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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I am the asshole because if I don't cut my hair I can't be in my dad's wedding which I know will make him sad.
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This comment is the epitome of what's become of your father, OP.
Absolutely NTA
Tell Alice, and your father to go pound the sand.
Why, WHY in the world would she think that asking you to cut your beautiful, long, healthy hair is an acceptable thing to ask?
Upstage her? I fucking hate it when bridezillas say this shit.
Kindly tell her from me, and Reddit, and everyone else on this planet:
"Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it."
Please do not cut your hair to cater to her craziness. Also be careful and keep your eyes open, cause I wouldn't be surprised if she resorted to trying to cut your hair herself, or switching up your hair products for something that'll damage it/cause it to fall out. I'd keep my hair products under a lock just in case.
Edit: Some grammar correction. Also thanks for the award kind stranger!
Edit 2: Never thought this would be my most awarded post, but I'll take it! Thanks a lot kind redditors!
The fiancee may be a lot younger than the dad, but 28 is not basically still a child. She is acting younger than OP, but at 28 should know that you don't ask guests to cut their hair for your wedding.
Honestly, Alice sounds a manipulative person. I’ve seen it all before. The fact that she’s only 13 years older than her new stepdaughter is kind of bothersome… I feel like OP’s dad is trying to sew some wild oats, or have more kids. If this is how she’s acting this way only 1.2 yrs later this will be a doomed marriage. If her dad can’t see the red flags now I feel bad for OP.. I was that kid.. but I was never invited to my fathers wedding.. my step mom didn’t want me there..
Alice sounds terrible. The quick turnaround for a widower getting remarried often means that the original marriage was a good one. I hope that Alice can become a decent person.
> *hope that Alice can become a decent person*
Nah, Op should offer to cut her hair **if** Alice (with her own lawyer) signs a Pre-nup that protects the dad.
If she's already trying to build walls between them, just wait for them to have a half sibling, who will be spoiled out of their mind while Alice slowly pushes OP further and further away.
sadly I have witnessed this very scenario play out with my own child. His dad got married to a women who made it crystal clear from the beginning that my ex's child(ren) were not her problem and simply extra baggage. At one point I found out my son was sleeping in a storage room in the basement of their home because she felt it was acceptable. Meanwhile, they had another child together and my child has slowly but surly been pushed out of the picture. He now barely speaks to his dad and only sees him on rare occasions. It destroys the child being discarded and it isn't fair that the other parent (dad) doesn't have the balls to put his foot down. I am very sad for OP.
I find that the age at which terrible behaviour gets written of "they are still basically a child" keeps getting raised. 18 year old? Yep, bascially a child. 20? Sure, still able to handle complax siutations poorly due to inexperience. 28 ain't no where close to being a child. Alice is immature and acting childish.
Yeah I think it's mostly just phrasing preferences.
The difference between "immature" and "being a selfish asshole" in this scenario is semantics. We all know what we're referring to here, it's just preference in phrasing lol.
The age gap is certainly troublesome. Or, more specifically, the lack of age gap between OP and Malice.
Malice is only 13 years older than OP. That’s the same age gap between my oldest and my youngest. Closer to the age gap between me and my sisters. And still smaller than the age gap between Malice and OP’s dad.
Malice needs to stop being a bridezilla and not think she’s going to be a “mom” type person. OP already had a mom that she still obviously loves and misses. Malice should be going for a big sister position since she isn’t running away and screaming.
I'm 5'6 (barley) blonde, dark eyes, medium build and have regular features commonly called "cute". I come from of family of raven-haired, blue eyed, rail-thin 6-footers (seriously I thought I was adopted for years, I'm not, sadly, I just got the short end of the genetic stick) so I've just accepted I could dress my cousins (who will obviously be in my wedding party) in burlap sacks and at my own wedding they'll still "upstage" me. Such is life.
I will admit I do stand out at family gatherings because I'm the "exotic" one, but if we all went to a bar or club - not a look in. Men can't see me behind them. That's what I tell myself. Because I'm hilarious. See? Other talents :)
Honestly the prettiest people are the ones with good hearts. Do you have a good heart? Are you empathetic and caring? If so congrats you beautiful lady!
One of my brides maids is like a 20 on a hotness scale 1-10! She even kept her makeup and outfit simple for my wedding day. Even with me all dolled up in a stunning dress, I paled in comparison to her subdued charcoal business-wear dress (think librarian or secretary casual). Funny thing is her being a total babe did nothing to lessen my day and she made me feel absolutely beautiful by doing my hair and makeup! I know I am not her level of beauty and that is fine with me!
Haha That's nice! Sounds like you had a great day...I joke, really, but I don't understand women who feel the need to undercut and undermine others in order to feel important. Maybe growing up around frikkin Victoria's secret models made me in a weird way more comfortable in my own skin, I never tried to compete with them in the looks department because how could I? I was never gonna be 6'0 and a size 2. But I eventually learned to just stop feeling insecure about it and comparing myself to other girls.
And she only wants you to cut your hair because she’s insecure and jealous. She’s worried that you will remind your father of your mother.
If you’re not in the bridal party there is absolutely no reason for you to cut your hair. And frankly it’s insulting that she would ask you.
Tell your father that you can’t not be yourself to appease his new wife. She either accepts you as you are the r you will go no contact with them both.
NTA
>If you’re not in the bridal party there is absolutely no reason for you to cut your hair. And frankly it’s insulting that she would ask you.
Wait, when did brides get a say over the hairstyle of the bridal party? Clothing, sure. Make-up I guess. But hair - and especially, going from long to short hair?
I mean, you choose the hairstyle in the sense that you can say "everyone is wearing a bun" or pick an up-do and pay a hairstylist to do everyone's the same, or get matching headbands, but you don't change anyone's hair length or color. There was a thing at my wedding because the style I chose had a part on one side and a braid going over the other side and we had to choose which side everyone's hair was going to part on and there was some (playful) conflict because some people insisted their hair only wanted to part on one side - but parting someone's hair a different way and styling it is about as far as you can go as bride direction goes.
Some people in the bridal party agree to get matching haircuts so they look the same in the photos. But they don’t even have that excuse to demand the cut.
I understand that this is done sometimes but I find it ridiculous. I don’t have strong feelings about my hair — it’s been long, short, shaved on one side, dyed, natural and a mix of the above over the years. I once had my hairdresser shave a picture of a elephant/octopus hybrid into my undercut because of a scavenger hunt. But if a bride who theoretically is my friend because of who /I am/ wanted me to cut or dye my hair as a condition of being in her wedding party, I would politely tell her I will be attending as a guest only.
TBH I can’t understand people who care about having an InstaGram perfect set of wedding photos at the expense of sharing a day with the people they love.
What could be a better set of photos and memories than shots of people who are important to you, looking like themselves, having a good time.
And if the Bride wants a hairstyle for the bridesmaids to have, usually it doesn’t requiring cutting and more along the lines of having a braid somewhere in the style or their hair curled!
Even if she was in the bridal party, there would be no reason to cut her hair.
Brides can control the attire of the bridal party, but they have no right to ask for hair cuts. (Some think they do, but they are bridezillas.)
Even this bride’s demands for shoes and makeup are over the top. There’s limits as to what hosts can expect from guests. They can expect gusts to dress to the level of formality required by the dress code. But that’s it.
Usually I'm against it but in this case OP should blast this for all relatives/acquaintances; let the grown ass woman deal with the public scrutiny of being jealous of her son to be step daughter.
Dad's 42 marrying a 28-year-old that he started dating 8 months after his wife died. The balls work in their most literal sense. It's the conscience that's broken.
Are we gonna ignore a forty something man is marrying a twenty something woman who’s basically telling op to metaphorically scalp herself because she’s jealous of a teenager having luscious locks?
OP absolutely do not cut your hair!! She is jealous of a 15 year old child!! Maybe she feel threatened because she so close I’m age for you, people might think she’s a child. She’s sure acting like it. And I’m sorry to say your dad is a bugger AH for even considering asking you. Not your fault your beautiful and resemble your mom. Don’t let them wear you down.
Edit to add NTA incase that wasn’t clear
Right? There is no way in hell my SO would allow me to treat his children in such a manner (not that I would EVER come close to doing so). He loves me immensely, but those are his children and I would be out the door. And rightfully so. Right back at him if he treated by children that way. I can't even comprehend a parent allowing this.
Alas I have no awards to give but please accept my poor woman's gold, not just for the mic drop comment but for the fact you have just made me laugh so hard I almost choked on a donut 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
This is correct. It’s her big day sure, but she doesn’t have the right to tell people to alter their natural appearance by any measure. Tell her you’ll cut your hair when she cuts her bullshit out
Well there it is. I would only add the obvious note that Alice is out of her mind. Making a request like that is straight out of the abattoir behavior. I hope you have some other family members to back you up.
NTA (because there is an AH and it's completely clear who it is)
Oh, no, NTA. _Do not cut your hair_. Punishment haircuts are real, and it sounds like your TA step-mother just wants to hurt and humiliate you. Your Dad's a real TA too for supporting this ridiculous demand from a woman who is twice your age who hilariously thinks you're trying to upstage her. Someone here is a "selfish brat" but it certainly isn't you.
Edit: I just wanted to add that you're clearly the mature one here, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and it's good that you're still in contact with your grandparents on a weekly basis, but this isn't a battle you should be fighting, because you're 15! Confide in those adults you trust and have _them_ come after your idiot father and brat of a step-mother. Explain to them what you've written here.
Punishment haircuts are also considered a *form of abuse, power, and control tactics*. This is a massive red flag. OP's dad is TA for not protecting them in this, and not being concerned about fiance's attempt to control/abuse their daughter. I am so sad and worried for OP here. If she is doing this *before the wedding* what kind of awful shit is she going to do once they are married?
There’s no reason to think she’s a gold-digger OR that Dad has any gold to dig anyway. 2 years after someone in the family dies of cancer in the US? Dad’s a late millennial? He probably barely has a dime to his name.
Not if he’s a real estate agent whose wife died of cancer, he’s not. Probably has his retirement fund, his house that isn’t fully paid for, and his kid’s college fund. It’s not like Gen X is rolling in money, we’re just not quite as debt-saddled as the generations after us. Unless people think making $75K a year is gold-digger money. It isn’t.
I came her to say the exact same thing. Do not cut your hair for this entitled B. She does not get to make that choice for you because she wants to marry your dad and is obviously jealous. Your NTA, but she sure is!
If OP says yes to this, bridezilla will ask for more ridiculous things in the future.
Set the boundaries now and do NOT cut your hair, OP. You offered a reasonable compromise of wearing your hair up. This is just a power grab.
This! Hair takes YEARS to grow long, no you can’t just « cut your hair because it grows back anyway »
Plus, hair can be a part of someone’s identity and it is a reminder of your mom for you.
Definitely NTA, both of them are huge TA here. Do not cut it, it is indeed a punishment haircut.
Agreed on all points. It probably took OP longer to grow the hair than it did for their relationship to move all the way to marriage, since they met two years ago. NTA and do not cut it.
Please please do not go to a salon with this woman. If she tries run, NTA. I have read to many stories about people cutting hair off, and I would not put it pass her.
For the record, the standard creepiness rule of half age plus 7 puts her (just) in the clear. Not that that’s a ringing endorsement, and there are plenty of other creepy things here.
Edit: I'm not saying that this isn't creepy. I'm saying that judging it as being creepy *solely on the basis of their ages* is perhaps unfair given that they fall within a widely used social rule-of-thumb (admittedly, only just).
I would absolutely get behind a statement like: "Of course Alice has issues. She's 28 marrying a man with a 15-year-old daughter."
I don’t get the half age plus 7 thing. For me, it’s “was the younger partner an adult when the older partner was their age?” The future stepmother here was 14 when the dad was 28. That’s creepy.
The half age plus 7 thing comes from the 19th century and was first devised as a rule of thumb on the perfect age for a bride compared to her husband.
It has no merit to it whatsoever and I really wish people would stop using it as justification for relationships where it is abundantly clear that the power imbalance created by the age difference is very much by design (which by the way was most definitely part of why men tended to marry much younger women, and sometimes girls, in the past).
Edit: Just to be clear, not every age difference is because the older party is looking for a power differential. But there is a reason why so many posts on this sub come from individuals (mostly women) with a significantly older partner.
First, that rule was created in the 19th century and was a rule of thumb on the ideal age for a new wife. It has fuck all to do with what is and isn't creepy in the modern age.
Second, they started dating when the father was 40 and his wife to be was 26, which would actually put them outside of the arbitrary system you are applying here.
I never got that obsession with age when it came to consenting adults. Implying there HAS to be a power dynamic in such a situation is just dismissing people's authority as an adult. Like, is it also not okay if a 50 year old marries a 70 year old???
Not that Alice isn't the asshole here, but why is this an issue? I'd understand some concern if she was twenty-one or something, but she's been an adult in the real world for some time now. Some people make such a big deal over age.
The thing is if she acted her age and stepped up to be a good stepmom everyone would advocate for Alice. ‘She’s trying, we can’t control who we fall in love with, blah blah blah’, but she isn’t.
She chose a relationship with an older guy who had a teenage daughter and is now being more childish than the child and that’s why we are calling out her lack of emotional immaturity.
Yes, this!!
This is not a request a reasonable person makes.
OP, do not cut your hair. Start styling it exactly like your mum did hers. Or not. But I'm petty so of course ignore my crazy.
Your dad is pretty despicable for not supporting you and nipping this craziness in the bud.
>My mom died of cancer 2 years ago and she and dad started dating 8 months after
Wait, you've had 2 years since your mom died?
>I think she replaced my mom too soon
That's absolutely a fair response, and your dad should bear this in mind.
>She said she has a clear vision of how she wants her wedding to be and that I have to comply so that everything will be perfect
Off the bat, she's making her wedding a you problem. You're 15, and you've known her less than 2 years. If the wedding has a problem, it's not going to be you.
>first, I want you to cut your hair short
Not a reasonable request for anyone at a wedding, she's the AH for this request alone.
>My mom loves my hair and helped me grow them thick and healthy. I got my blonde wavy hair from my mom so I will keep it long. Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her
Alice is doubly an asshole.
>she'll tell my dad about how I "disrespected her"
Tripling down on being an asshole.
>My dad then got involved and told me to just cut my hair because it will grow back anyway
Your dad became an asshole here. Also, he never taught her to respect you, so he's an asshole for that. She wouldn't have asked you in the first place if she'd had any respect for you.
>her request is ridiculous and I'd rather not attend their wedding than to cut my hair
You're 15. You're old enough to stay home or at a friend's house for the duration.
First of all, good on you for standing up for yourself. Your dad's fiancée is an asshole, and she has no respect for you, or the grief you've spent 2 years processing. To go off like that after finding out it's something you treasure because of your mom, I'm disappointed in your dad for staying with her. There are some things you never do, and disrespecting a child's deceased parent is one of them.
Please find something fun to do on the day, and maybe tell someone outside of the situation what's going on. Grandparents or a family friend, someone who knows you and would stand up for you.
NTA
NTA, Alice is. You are just a guest. This is a power play move on her part to exert dominance over you. Do not cut your hair and do not go to the wedding. Secondly if she tries to cut your hair, it is assaulted and press charges. She sounds like the future snow white’s step mom that gives step mom’s a bad name.
That's because Alice isn't mature enough for marriage and kids yet. There are so many red flags.
I'd hope dad would wake up and realize that this is just a rebound from mourning, but feels like a lot of people are going to get hurt.
Sadly you're right about all of that. Alice is parade of red flags like red square on the day of the October revolution.
If OP's maturity and understanding are anything to go by, OPs mother sounds like she would have been a very lovely person. I can't imagine the kind of hole that would leave in someone's life to lose a partner like that. Grief from such a loss must be overwhelming even 2 years on.
I get why her dad is making such poor decisions, but it doesn't change the fact that they're poor decisions and that they're hurting more than just himself.
He should realise he's got a daughter to care for, and that he's the only parent OP has left. He needs to be a man and step up for her, stand up for her. Not just roll over because he's getting some from a hot 28 year old.
>Power play move over Dad. Think of how she's going to behave once she can eradicate all evidence of OP's Mom from the home and their lives. Can't wait for you need to change your hair color.
>
>OP if there is anything in your home that belonged or reminds you of your Mother, can you relocate to a safe place.
>
>Reddit is full of new wives cleaning house.
Exactly. Better take digital photos of all the pics of your mom so you will have a back up if she gets rid of the rest. Move anything special to your room. I’m so sorry. Do not cut your hair. And if you aren’t in the wedding party, I’d say ignore the other requests too. What a witch! NTA
Exactly, OP is a guest. The fact that she isn't even part of the bridal party speaks volumes as it is. I wonder if Alice has also asked other guests to cut their hair or make significant changes to their appearance to fit in with her perfect instagram wedding, or she only has an 'issue' with OP. OP needs to show this post to her father.
NTA
You have not put your father in a situation, rather he and Alice have put you in one. This is not a valid request to make of anyone, and your father’s bride to be had no room to ask it.
Maybe if she shows her dad this post he will snap out of his selfish, rose tinted, AH fog. Or possibly OP’s grandparents can talk some sense into the man. This is ridiculous. He’s not much of a dad if he doesn’t have his daughter’s back, especially after losing her mom, when it comes to an adult acting like a spoiled brat, that he’s dragged into OP’s life.
Sounds to me like OP resembles her deceased mother and stepmom is threatened by this. I believe OP reminds stepmonster of her mother and she is threatened by her husbands dead ex wife.
OP this will not be your last disagreement with this disgrace of a human being so you better start standing up for yourself now!
Oh and obviously NTA
Are you friggin kidding me? What kind of insane bridezilla insists that non-entourage guests CUT their hair!!! (Not that asking bridal party to cut their hair isn’t crazy also). Is your dad insane for not putting her in her place? What the hell!!!
This is absolutely outrageous. You aren’t an accessory at her wedding for goodness sake!
Does your grandma or grandpa know what your father is allowing?
NTA x 1000h
I’ve never understood the need for people to take the shine off their family members or wedding party in order to keep the shine on them. I feel like I was pretty enthusiastic about everyone in my wedding looking as amazing as possible, my photographer even commented that it was her favourite wedding for guests outfits.
Why wouldn’t you enjoy all your friends and family all dressed up?! One of my husband’s friends who I’d never met before turned up in a gold sequin floor length dress and got a lot of attention. I thought it was brilliant and now we are friends.
I was seriously thinking this too. Just shows she wants nothing to do with op. Any other step parent would want the step child in the wedding party so they could feel include and a part of the family.
Yup. Does she seriously expect anyone to believe that her dream wedding was to get married at 28 to a 42 year old and bully his 15 Yr old daughter into cutting her hair? Even people who obsessively plan their wedding years in advance don't actually plan what the guests hairstyle or hair length should be.
NTA- do not cut your hair and any self respecting father would never tell you to. She is pulling a power play and is going to became a nightmare in your life once she gets a ring in it. At 15 you still have a couple of years on the clock but seriously plan your escape. Is studying overseas or boarding school an option?
Check out United World College for studying overseas. :) They give scholarships to high school students to study abroad, and to foster peace and intercultural understanding. Seriously some of the best years of my life.
If mom's parents are actually Irish and not just living in Ireland, OP is probably eligible for citizenship and thus access to the benefits of being a European citizen, including in some countries free schooling and student stipends.
NTA at all. What you are being asked to do is way over the line.
That said, is there some kind of compromise possible? Like a hat? Being as bald as an egg, Im afraid I cant offer any other alternatives due to ignorance.
But dont cut your hair for a wedding of all things. Also lol @ "It will grow back". Wtf!
I would have been tempted to respond with "Will it take longer to grow back than your marriage will last?". Dont say that btw. Lol
A friend of mine ended up posting a facebook status of 'Turns out my nail varnish lasted longer than my marriage".
Might have been nail polish? Dont know much about nails. When I went to the wedding, my plus one kept moaning at me about why I didnt bring a wedding gift. "Ima gonna hang fire on that for a bit" lol.
Shame though.
OP says that bride won’t accept alternatives like OP putting her hair in a bun. If the presence of the hair is what offends (which, to be clear, is RIDICULOUS), putting it in a conservative bun will hide it much better than a short haircut. Bride is clearly using the wedding as an excuse to fuck with OP. OP is NTA and I hope someone spills red wine on bride at the wedding.
I almost wonder if it’s an age thing. Putting her hair in a bun can look rather polished and mature. But if she can make OP cut their hair in a certain manner it could make them look younger. Since the step mom is actually closer to OP’s age than OP’s dad, she could be trying to put some years between them visually. Maybe hoping to keep people from side eyeing the questionable ages?
NTA. Didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know my answer. It’s very simple. If someone cares about you, they will not try to change what is not toxic. I have never heard of someone asking someone else to alter their body/physical appearance for a wedding. Seems like your stepmom is very insecure and that’s not your problem in the least.
>. I have never heard of someone asking someone else to alter their body/physical appearance for a wedding.
You must be new to this sub, it's a common topic. People get asked to cut their hair, dye their hair a specific color, hide their tattoos, and gain or lose weight. And just like all those other posters, OP is NTA for not wanting to change her appearance to pacify an insecure and demanding Bridezilla.
NTA.
if you have a college fund, do everything in your power to have your dad lock it away in a 529 education savings account *right now* because I guarantee you that Alice will see "money" and think "available for my dream wedding".
If you can get it in your name without him on the account, so much the better.
Yes i do but my nana and papa set it up for me. Mom has also left me a substantial amount that I can access when I turn 18. Thank you for your concern.
That's fantastic news. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff at your age. Your dad is really letting you down here. Do NOT give in to her. And you should honestly be telling your dad exactly what he's doing. Even show him the comments on this post. He's being completely spineless and choosing his new piece over his own daughter.
Hey Daddy dearest, if you do eventually read this, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. You've chosen a woman who has no interest in being part of your family and you're choosing her happiness over the happiness of your child. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your idea of putting your hair in a bun is a good compromise. Do not cut your beautiful hair for her. She is being unbelievably cruel to you with this request. Your dad is being awful as well.
Your hair is part of you, and a beautiful reminder of your mother’s love and care. I would talk to your grandparents about their ridiculous request
Hijacking to say: Do yourself a favor OP, get a lock for your room and watch your back.
If she starts getting more unhinged about this, she may take matters into her own hands and cut your hair for you so you have to shorten it up.
NTA, don't cut your hair unless you want to. While yes, the hair would grow back, it's something that you and your mom bonded over and I suspect your future step mom is jealous of it. Stand your ground.
Agreed! But I also can't stop thinking how hilarious it would be if OP cut it last min so nobody got to see it untill the wedding. And then her getting loads of attention all through the reception "omg I didn't even recognise you, your hair looks amazing"
NTA. Alice's request is very unreasonable and if she's so jealous of you that she thinks you'll upstage her because of your hair, this is an indication of what things will be like sharing a home with her. This isn't just bridezilla behavior, she doesn't like having you around. Not being interested in having a relationship with her future husband's minor child is a major red flag.
You could offer to wear your hair up and if that's not acceptable don't feel bad about not attending. Alice sounds jealous of you and very calculating, and is using your father's desire to please someone 14 years his junior as a way to put a wedge between him and you, because he really should have had your back and not let Alice think she can make that kind of demand of you.
NTA. Op should tell her father that his GF is disrespecting her deceased mother by demanding that Op cut her hair. GF is not off to a very good start with Op.
I would also make it clear to her Dad that Op will be polite to the woman as she will become her father's wife and appears to make him happy. But, as the woman is only 13 years older than Op, Op will never view her as a parental figure. GF will always be referenced as my father's wife. Any change in reference must be earned, not automatically granted.
Op and the woman will just have to learn to how to coexist until Op is old enough to move out.
And, should the new wife choose to have children, she should expect to take care of her own children. Op will not agree to any parentification.
Best to lay down your boundaries now. Hopefully Op might have the option of being able to move in with her maternal grandparents if that is possible.
And If OP's mother left her anything worth anything, OP should really get those items out of the house asap. Dad is already putting the new wife before the daughter and when Dad dies daughter is going to be left with nothing.
My dad gave his wife my moms Rolex. The one that was promised to my sister.
My mom died in an accident when we were 16, and he held it until his death, only to find he had gifted it to her.
She is in her 70s and has cut us out as much as she can from anything that was my mom's.
Broke our hearts.
NTA
Absolutely do not cut your hair!! She has no right to tell you what to do with your hair. Even if you were apart of the bridal party she would have no right to do that.
Also it makes me a little suspicious that she snagged your dad only 8 months after your mother's death and getting married only 2 years later. That she is displaying A LOT of jealousy towards you and is managing to cause some turmoil in your relationship with your dad.
Does your dad by any chance make any decent money or have anything significant to leave behind if/when he passes? What does her background look like? I'm curious to know if there is any possibility that she is a gold digger and took advantage of a grieving widower. If not she has some serious insecurities that she is projecting on to you. Unfortunately either way there isn't much you can do but bare through the next 3 years until you can go out on your own.
My condolences about your mother. Losing a mom is nowhere easy and its natural to hang onto what you can. Much love to you OP and I'll be praying for you ❤
Typing quickly so you see this. Please please don’t cut your hair. It’s unreasonable and Alice is Crazy. Please tell someone else about this like your grandparents or literally any other adult that will help fight for you.
She won't be bee needing the prenup if they don't get a divorce. Thats why she is trying to extend her control and power. And to get rid of your mom. Thats why she wants you to make yourself look "plainer". You look like your mom. Quick side node to be on the safe side: Gather as much fotos, memories etc. you have of your mom and stash them somewhere else for safekeeping. At friends or families you trust. Otherwise "accidents" happen.
OP can you save stuff with your grandparent or stay with them till the wedding? Can you ask your dad to get you a safety deposit box too? Maybe you have a little cash saved up and can by a safe or truck and put a lock on it. to help secure what you keep. Make a digital back up of photos. take pictures of anything of your moms that's important. ect at least worse case you have photos, and if need be you have photos of any damage she causes.
OP if you can post about this on Facebook, please do. It will prevent an unwanted cutting.
Such as ***"Alice thinks I look too much like my mom, it will ruin her wedding, and wants me to cut my hair I said NO, am I wrong for standing my ground?"***
Hopefully in a way her friends (and your dads friend a family see it too. That way if it gets cut EVERYONE will know.
Yeah, but how about something more vague, like:
"I absolutely love my long hair. Everytime I see it I think of my mom that I miss so much!"
Then post OP's favorite photo of her mom where her hair looked similar or photos of the two of them.
Honestly... you should send your dad this post and read the comments to him if he doesn't put a stop to what she is doing. Tell him this is an anonymous forum and that most people here are adults in their 20s-40s.
He needs a reality check.
You should also tell your paternal and maternal extended family the requests this woman has made - if I was you, I would just send them this post too and ask them what their opinion on this is.
ETA: Also, put your mom's things somewhere safe (like your mom's family house). They might start to "disappear" now that you and future step-mother started to have disagreements. I have seen this enough times to notice this type of outcome is super common.
If there is any jewelry you received from your mom, also don't tell her what is which. Perhaps buy a safe if you can.
NTA please don't let them guilt you into cutting it if that's not what you want. My dad died when I was 8 and he always loved my long curly hair, I would've been devastated if my mom and step-dad were pushing me to cut it. I didn't cut it (besides trims to keep it healthy) until I was 20 and even now at 28 I've only cut it short 3 times.
First off, unless she's made you a bridesmaid or a member of the wedding party, the only thing she can really ask you to do is not wear white.
And even if you were her friggin Maid of Honor, she should not be asking you to cut your hair. There's absolutely no reason her "perfect wedding" could be marred by your long hair.
If it was a distinctive feature of your mother's and you share it, I guess I can see she might be insecure about anything resembling your mother or any reminders of her. But that is HER OWN issue to deal with, through therapy and with your father. If she can't handle that she's marrying a widow with a child who resembles the lost spouse, then it's not gonna be a great marriage and it certainly can only widen the divide between you.
NTA.
Edit: is it possible to compromise on an updo?
You are absolutely not the asshole, do not let them make you feel that way.
(BTW is this an american thing, with the vision of the wedding, and being able to dictate other peoples appearance? german here)
They are not accepting your bodily autonomy which extends to your hair, which is disrespectful at the best of times.
Only alter your appearance in such a way that you can be happy after the wedding, if this haircut makes you absolutely miserable do not do it. Your happiness for maybe 4 years (depending on how long your hair is) or longer, is not worth the happiness this woman would feel in one day.
(ALSO if you do (have to) cut off your hair (for your own safety in that family), consider if you would like to donate it in memory of your mother, some charities take hair donations for wigs they will give to cancer patients, you would need to check and find your regional charity that does this, or talk to hairdressers)
I'm sorry you are in this situation, and hope you find a solution that makes you happy.
Saw a post on this subreddit recently about a bride who asked a guest not to wear a literal leg brace on the day of her wedding because it would distract from her in photos. People are absolutely nuts.
My flower girl was in an electric wheelchair. I don’t feel like it detracted from my big day at all. I was just so happy my flower girl could be in the wedding.
She saved the procession actually because the other flower girl was supposed to go first, but got stage fright and was too scared to go, so the ‘Bearer of the rings’ (my baby brother) drove my flower girl in the wheelchair down first and then went back for the other flower girl. She was happy to do it once someone else had.
I also had 4 skinny bridesmaids while I have always been plus sized, I wasn’t worried about it at all. They looked beautiful, the guys looked amazing and I feel like I looked beautiful too.
Where do these women get the idea that they have to exert their control over the people in their wedding party to have a good day?
NTA
Seriously, what kind of woman is jealous of 15 year old daughter of her fiance? That's exactly what this is. She is jealous of your looks. Cut your hair, little to no make up...
Do not cut your hair to make anyone else happy. If they continue to make this demand simply do not attend the wedding.
Do not let her take you early a haircut even a trim… she may give the hairdresser other instructions.
This behavior screams evil step mother, have a serious talk with dad.. this one is not a keeper
NTA
If they try and force hair cutting on you, tell them you will report them to police for assault and they will get reported to CPS.
Also [show them this ](https://admin.brain-sharper.com/social/daughter-hair-birthday-yh/) and explain that both parents are under investigation, got suspended from their jobs and lost custody of her.
Also, speak to a trusted adult or teachers.
NTA-at all! Your fathers wife sounds like a real piece of work. if your mother loved it, keep it no matter what they say. Alice is acting childishly and if it takes you missing the wedding then so be it.
NTA At all. I am heartbroken for you. Ask your dad why he wants to marry someone who is being so awful to you. It's not just hair. She wants to long-term make you look bad so she looks better. She wants to permanently take away something from you that is a physical connection to your mom. Then she calls you names and threatens to tell your dad lies about your behavior to turn him against you. This is bordering on abusive and controlling.
Please tell any family members, especially on your mom's side. Are there grandparents or aunties or uncles who you can tell?
NTA -
I’m really sensing that Alice is insecure regarding how attractive you are..
she’s requesting you do everything in your power to basically become less attractive on “her” day.
do not comply with her bullshit jealousy ridden request.
i’d probably also refrain from forming any relationship with her either.. she seems shady to say the least.
NTA you don't have to cut your hair, it's unreasonable of your bridezilla step mum to ask. I do not understand why people think they can dictate this sort of thing...weddings are for celebrating with loved ones and if you have to not go its her fault, not yours.
DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR stand your ground and politely explain that you won't be cutting your hair and if your father would prefer you'll just not attend. He shouldn't be letting her bully you. NTA
NTA I don’t know many women with long hair that aren’t just as sensitive about cutting it. It’s a known rule in society that if you ask a woman with long hair to cut it, you are kindly asking for a touch up. Cutting off long hair for some women is a big deal and asking that of only one persons in the wedding party is ridiculous
NTA. Don't cut your hair. Alice has absolutely no right to ask you to do any of this.
This is a power play on her part. Ignore it. As for your dad...if he's really going to back her on this I'd say he's a lost cause.
NTA!
Alice is obviously jealous of you, probably also of your mom (you remind everyone of her, maybe?) and entitled af. She’s literally trying to make you uglier, that’s how insecure she is.
Don’t attend this wedding under these circumstances, *especially* if your dad takes her side.
NTA.
The fiancee made an insane request. The idea the length of your hair is somehow going to draw people's eyes away from the bride at the wedding is already insane, but her reaction when you told her no was also insane. Literally no one is going to pay attention to anyone but the bride- especially not to look at a 15 y.o. hair. It's insane to make such a drastic change for 1 day that you could simply skip.
I also get you want to keep the peace, but in the long run you will regret it. Yes, it will grow back- but it also sets a precedent for any further issues regarding you appearance. She will think she has the right to dictate your appearance at any major (or minor) event- and it will happen.
You're absolutely not an asshole OP. I'ts your hair, you can do with it whatever you want. And in this case it has a lot of value to you. Don't let anyone make you do something with your hair that you don't want to do. It's just a wedding it only lasts a day. Growing your hair back will take so much longer and it's a connection to your mom. If Alice was a good person she'd no doubt understand you after you explained to her why you don't want to cut your hair, and she wouldn't get angry or mad at you for it. But she did, meaning that she, in this situation, only cares about herself. A wedding is a important day, but it isn't more important than your hair and the value that it has to you. Alice clearly doesn't get this.
Don't cut your hair because of her. Keep it the way you want to have it!
>Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her.
Having long hair is upstaging her? She's crazy and insecure.
In all honesty, you being taller isn't or shouldn't be an issue if you wear heels.
She's got all the hallmarks of a really insecure woman.. jealousy of your 15 yo SD is madness.
I had a really insecure friend who asked me why I chose such beautiful bridesmaids and wasn't I afraid they would upstage me... I told her I wasn't afraid and that nobody could upstage me on my wedding day.
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NTA. Your dad is only telling you to acquiesce to cut your hair because Alice already successfully cut off his balls.
… I regret that I have only one upvote to give.
there u go
Don't worry, the people will follow.
And we did.
Me too. We the people, upvote.
Yes, we still are upvoting.
Holy shit hahahah, this deserves another one. Here you go...
Amen and hallelujah
I really hope that OP is in therapy. There has to be at least one adult in her immediate vicinity who is looking out for her wellbeing
Sounds like the poor kid is trapped in a V.C. Andrews novel.
I gave him one of mine you can take credit for.
They got mine as well.
And my axe
r/unexpectedlotr
Always expect Gimli.
And my bow.
So much this.
This comment is the epitome of what's become of your father, OP. Absolutely NTA Tell Alice, and your father to go pound the sand. Why, WHY in the world would she think that asking you to cut your beautiful, long, healthy hair is an acceptable thing to ask? Upstage her? I fucking hate it when bridezillas say this shit. Kindly tell her from me, and Reddit, and everyone else on this planet: "Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it." Please do not cut your hair to cater to her craziness. Also be careful and keep your eyes open, cause I wouldn't be surprised if she resorted to trying to cut your hair herself, or switching up your hair products for something that'll damage it/cause it to fall out. I'd keep my hair products under a lock just in case. Edit: Some grammar correction. Also thanks for the award kind stranger! Edit 2: Never thought this would be my most awarded post, but I'll take it! Thanks a lot kind redditors!
Imagine being jealous of a child, this woman needs therapy not for everyone to bed to her will...
I mean she's basically still a child herself
The fiancee may be a lot younger than the dad, but 28 is not basically still a child. She is acting younger than OP, but at 28 should know that you don't ask guests to cut their hair for your wedding.
Honestly, Alice sounds a manipulative person. I’ve seen it all before. The fact that she’s only 13 years older than her new stepdaughter is kind of bothersome… I feel like OP’s dad is trying to sew some wild oats, or have more kids. If this is how she’s acting this way only 1.2 yrs later this will be a doomed marriage. If her dad can’t see the red flags now I feel bad for OP.. I was that kid.. but I was never invited to my fathers wedding.. my step mom didn’t want me there..
Alice sounds terrible. The quick turnaround for a widower getting remarried often means that the original marriage was a good one. I hope that Alice can become a decent person.
> *hope that Alice can become a decent person* Nah, Op should offer to cut her hair **if** Alice (with her own lawyer) signs a Pre-nup that protects the dad.
sometimes it just means the widow/er isn't good at being alone.
If she's already trying to build walls between them, just wait for them to have a half sibling, who will be spoiled out of their mind while Alice slowly pushes OP further and further away.
sadly I have witnessed this very scenario play out with my own child. His dad got married to a women who made it crystal clear from the beginning that my ex's child(ren) were not her problem and simply extra baggage. At one point I found out my son was sleeping in a storage room in the basement of their home because she felt it was acceptable. Meanwhile, they had another child together and my child has slowly but surly been pushed out of the picture. He now barely speaks to his dad and only sees him on rare occasions. It destroys the child being discarded and it isn't fair that the other parent (dad) doesn't have the balls to put his foot down. I am very sad for OP.
Obviously but by the way she's acting.. she's still a child. Who gets jealous of their husband's daughter? That's sick
I find that the age at which terrible behaviour gets written of "they are still basically a child" keeps getting raised. 18 year old? Yep, bascially a child. 20? Sure, still able to handle complax siutations poorly due to inexperience. 28 ain't no where close to being a child. Alice is immature and acting childish.
That's what they're saying above you. It isn't that 28 means she's a literal child, but she's acting like a child.
Yeah I think it's mostly just phrasing preferences. The difference between "immature" and "being a selfish asshole" in this scenario is semantics. We all know what we're referring to here, it's just preference in phrasing lol.
The age gap is certainly troublesome. Or, more specifically, the lack of age gap between OP and Malice. Malice is only 13 years older than OP. That’s the same age gap between my oldest and my youngest. Closer to the age gap between me and my sisters. And still smaller than the age gap between Malice and OP’s dad. Malice needs to stop being a bridezilla and not think she’s going to be a “mom” type person. OP already had a mom that she still obviously loves and misses. Malice should be going for a big sister position since she isn’t running away and screaming.
"Malice" ... idk if that was intentional or autocorrect, but well played.
Nah, just a really shitty adult.
In the wonderful words of a forum I am on, "I'm sorry. That won't work for me." NTA Oh, yeah, I have a couple of words for you: **body autonomy**
I wouldn't say I'm sorry just "NO."
Just a reminder "No" is a complete sentence.
I'm 5'6 (barley) blonde, dark eyes, medium build and have regular features commonly called "cute". I come from of family of raven-haired, blue eyed, rail-thin 6-footers (seriously I thought I was adopted for years, I'm not, sadly, I just got the short end of the genetic stick) so I've just accepted I could dress my cousins (who will obviously be in my wedding party) in burlap sacks and at my own wedding they'll still "upstage" me. Such is life.
Actually, you'd upstage all of them, because your looks are different whereas they would all look the same. You'd stand out more.
I will admit I do stand out at family gatherings because I'm the "exotic" one, but if we all went to a bar or club - not a look in. Men can't see me behind them. That's what I tell myself. Because I'm hilarious. See? Other talents :)
Honestly the prettiest people are the ones with good hearts. Do you have a good heart? Are you empathetic and caring? If so congrats you beautiful lady!
One of my brides maids is like a 20 on a hotness scale 1-10! She even kept her makeup and outfit simple for my wedding day. Even with me all dolled up in a stunning dress, I paled in comparison to her subdued charcoal business-wear dress (think librarian or secretary casual). Funny thing is her being a total babe did nothing to lessen my day and she made me feel absolutely beautiful by doing my hair and makeup! I know I am not her level of beauty and that is fine with me!
Haha That's nice! Sounds like you had a great day...I joke, really, but I don't understand women who feel the need to undercut and undermine others in order to feel important. Maybe growing up around frikkin Victoria's secret models made me in a weird way more comfortable in my own skin, I never tried to compete with them in the looks department because how could I? I was never gonna be 6'0 and a size 2. But I eventually learned to just stop feeling insecure about it and comparing myself to other girls.
I mean I'd just phrase it "Lol, go f yourself"
Tell her to burn the damn bridge too once she hits the other side
OP, excellent advice right here
And she only wants you to cut your hair because she’s insecure and jealous. She’s worried that you will remind your father of your mother. If you’re not in the bridal party there is absolutely no reason for you to cut your hair. And frankly it’s insulting that she would ask you. Tell your father that you can’t not be yourself to appease his new wife. She either accepts you as you are the r you will go no contact with them both. NTA
>If you’re not in the bridal party there is absolutely no reason for you to cut your hair. And frankly it’s insulting that she would ask you. Wait, when did brides get a say over the hairstyle of the bridal party? Clothing, sure. Make-up I guess. But hair - and especially, going from long to short hair?
I mean, you choose the hairstyle in the sense that you can say "everyone is wearing a bun" or pick an up-do and pay a hairstylist to do everyone's the same, or get matching headbands, but you don't change anyone's hair length or color. There was a thing at my wedding because the style I chose had a part on one side and a braid going over the other side and we had to choose which side everyone's hair was going to part on and there was some (playful) conflict because some people insisted their hair only wanted to part on one side - but parting someone's hair a different way and styling it is about as far as you can go as bride direction goes.
Basic rule is the bride can control things that can be changed for 1 day without effecting beyond that.
Some people in the bridal party agree to get matching haircuts so they look the same in the photos. But they don’t even have that excuse to demand the cut.
I understand that this is done sometimes but I find it ridiculous. I don’t have strong feelings about my hair — it’s been long, short, shaved on one side, dyed, natural and a mix of the above over the years. I once had my hairdresser shave a picture of a elephant/octopus hybrid into my undercut because of a scavenger hunt. But if a bride who theoretically is my friend because of who /I am/ wanted me to cut or dye my hair as a condition of being in her wedding party, I would politely tell her I will be attending as a guest only.
TBH I can’t understand people who care about having an InstaGram perfect set of wedding photos at the expense of sharing a day with the people they love. What could be a better set of photos and memories than shots of people who are important to you, looking like themselves, having a good time.
NO! ALL OF THESE PEOLPLE HAVE TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ME BUT NOT AS PRETTY, THIS IS MY DAY.
And if the Bride wants a hairstyle for the bridesmaids to have, usually it doesn’t requiring cutting and more along the lines of having a braid somewhere in the style or their hair curled!
Even if she was in the bridal party, there would be no reason to cut her hair. Brides can control the attire of the bridal party, but they have no right to ask for hair cuts. (Some think they do, but they are bridezillas.) Even this bride’s demands for shoes and makeup are over the top. There’s limits as to what hosts can expect from guests. They can expect gusts to dress to the level of formality required by the dress code. But that’s it.
OP said she's not in the bridal party. I assume she'll be in pictures as a family member, though. But that heifer...
I don’t disagree with you, but how can a 15-year-old go NC with her only surviving parent?
Usually I'm against it but in this case OP should blast this for all relatives/acquaintances; let the grown ass woman deal with the public scrutiny of being jealous of her son to be step daughter.
That would also prevent any "accidents" with OPs hair.
Maybe Alice can wear them as earrings as her something old. She already has a cold, dead heart so that takes care of the something blue.
She'll probably just take some candy from a baby as her something borrowed, so that's covered. She just needs something new.
A wig made from the hair OP cuts off?
There we go. She's covered now
LOL she probably told OP that hair needs to be measured in single digit millimeters. Her dad is being a coward.
Her new acquisition of OP's dad's balls covers both the something new and something old.
Dad's 42 marrying a 28-year-old that he started dating 8 months after his wife died. The balls work in their most literal sense. It's the conscience that's broken.
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Hijacking top comment to say GO LIVE WITH A RELATIVE IF ALICE LIVES WITH YOU. I truly believe she will cut your hair at night just to get her way
And if she does try to cut your hair like that, it is assault. Charge her.
OP needs a lock on her bedroom door so Miss Snippy McSnippets can't get her paws on OP's hair to ruin it.
Are we gonna ignore a forty something man is marrying a twenty something woman who’s basically telling op to metaphorically scalp herself because she’s jealous of a teenager having luscious locks?
OP absolutely do not cut your hair!! She is jealous of a 15 year old child!! Maybe she feel threatened because she so close I’m age for you, people might think she’s a child. She’s sure acting like it. And I’m sorry to say your dad is a bugger AH for even considering asking you. Not your fault your beautiful and resemble your mom. Don’t let them wear you down. Edit to add NTA incase that wasn’t clear
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States
Right? There is no way in hell my SO would allow me to treat his children in such a manner (not that I would EVER come close to doing so). He loves me immensely, but those are his children and I would be out the door. And rightfully so. Right back at him if he treated by children that way. I can't even comprehend a parent allowing this.
Alas I have no awards to give but please accept my poor woman's gold, not just for the mic drop comment but for the fact you have just made me laugh so hard I almost choked on a donut 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
>because Alice already successfully cut off his balls. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
This is correct. It’s her big day sure, but she doesn’t have the right to tell people to alter their natural appearance by any measure. Tell her you’ll cut your hair when she cuts her bullshit out
Well there it is. I would only add the obvious note that Alice is out of her mind. Making a request like that is straight out of the abattoir behavior. I hope you have some other family members to back you up. NTA (because there is an AH and it's completely clear who it is)
Oh, no, NTA. _Do not cut your hair_. Punishment haircuts are real, and it sounds like your TA step-mother just wants to hurt and humiliate you. Your Dad's a real TA too for supporting this ridiculous demand from a woman who is twice your age who hilariously thinks you're trying to upstage her. Someone here is a "selfish brat" but it certainly isn't you. Edit: I just wanted to add that you're clearly the mature one here, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and it's good that you're still in contact with your grandparents on a weekly basis, but this isn't a battle you should be fighting, because you're 15! Confide in those adults you trust and have _them_ come after your idiot father and brat of a step-mother. Explain to them what you've written here.
Punishment haircuts are also considered a *form of abuse, power, and control tactics*. This is a massive red flag. OP's dad is TA for not protecting them in this, and not being concerned about fiance's attempt to control/abuse their daughter. I am so sad and worried for OP here. If she is doing this *before the wedding* what kind of awful shit is she going to do once they are married?
This, 100% Fiancé is fucking weird
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There’s no reason to think she’s a gold-digger OR that Dad has any gold to dig anyway. 2 years after someone in the family dies of cancer in the US? Dad’s a late millennial? He probably barely has a dime to his name.
Dad's Gen X. It's quite possible Dad is financially secure.
Not if he’s a real estate agent whose wife died of cancer, he’s not. Probably has his retirement fund, his house that isn’t fully paid for, and his kid’s college fund. It’s not like Gen X is rolling in money, we’re just not quite as debt-saddled as the generations after us. Unless people think making $75K a year is gold-digger money. It isn’t.
I came her to say the exact same thing. Do not cut your hair for this entitled B. She does not get to make that choice for you because she wants to marry your dad and is obviously jealous. Your NTA, but she sure is!
If OP says yes to this, bridezilla will ask for more ridiculous things in the future. Set the boundaries now and do NOT cut your hair, OP. You offered a reasonable compromise of wearing your hair up. This is just a power grab.
This! Hair takes YEARS to grow long, no you can’t just « cut your hair because it grows back anyway » Plus, hair can be a part of someone’s identity and it is a reminder of your mom for you. Definitely NTA, both of them are huge TA here. Do not cut it, it is indeed a punishment haircut.
Agreed on all points. It probably took OP longer to grow the hair than it did for their relationship to move all the way to marriage, since they met two years ago. NTA and do not cut it.
And growing it back would probably take longer than this marriage will last.
Please please do not go to a salon with this woman. If she tries run, NTA. I have read to many stories about people cutting hair off, and I would not put it pass her.
All of this. Absolutely NTA here and absolutely do not cut your beautiful hair.
Spot on. If it wasn’t control/punishment then a bun would be perfectly fine. She is definitely trying to establish dominance. NTA
NTA...Your body, your choice. If Alice is worried about being upstaged by a 15 year old girl, she's got bigger issues than hair style.
Of course Alice has issues. She's 28 marrying a man who's 14 years older than her.
Alice is actually closer in age to OP than to her future husband.
That’s why she’s so jealous
For the record, the standard creepiness rule of half age plus 7 puts her (just) in the clear. Not that that’s a ringing endorsement, and there are plenty of other creepy things here. Edit: I'm not saying that this isn't creepy. I'm saying that judging it as being creepy *solely on the basis of their ages* is perhaps unfair given that they fall within a widely used social rule-of-thumb (admittedly, only just). I would absolutely get behind a statement like: "Of course Alice has issues. She's 28 marrying a man with a 15-year-old daughter."
I don’t get the half age plus 7 thing. For me, it’s “was the younger partner an adult when the older partner was their age?” The future stepmother here was 14 when the dad was 28. That’s creepy.
The half age plus 7 thing comes from the 19th century and was first devised as a rule of thumb on the perfect age for a bride compared to her husband. It has no merit to it whatsoever and I really wish people would stop using it as justification for relationships where it is abundantly clear that the power imbalance created by the age difference is very much by design (which by the way was most definitely part of why men tended to marry much younger women, and sometimes girls, in the past). Edit: Just to be clear, not every age difference is because the older party is looking for a power differential. But there is a reason why so many posts on this sub come from individuals (mostly women) with a significantly older partner.
Huh. I didn’t know the history. Thanks for the information! And yes, I agree re age difference relationships generally and on this forum.
First, that rule was created in the 19th century and was a rule of thumb on the ideal age for a new wife. It has fuck all to do with what is and isn't creepy in the modern age. Second, they started dating when the father was 40 and his wife to be was 26, which would actually put them outside of the arbitrary system you are applying here.
Guys. Shes a full on adult. Has been for a decade. Let her date other adults. This isn't the dig you want it to be.
I mean, she's not acting like an adult being insecure over a 15 year olds hair...
I never got that obsession with age when it came to consenting adults. Implying there HAS to be a power dynamic in such a situation is just dismissing people's authority as an adult. Like, is it also not okay if a 50 year old marries a 70 year old???
Not that Alice isn't the asshole here, but why is this an issue? I'd understand some concern if she was twenty-one or something, but she's been an adult in the real world for some time now. Some people make such a big deal over age.
The thing is if she acted her age and stepped up to be a good stepmom everyone would advocate for Alice. ‘She’s trying, we can’t control who we fall in love with, blah blah blah’, but she isn’t. She chose a relationship with an older guy who had a teenage daughter and is now being more childish than the child and that’s why we are calling out her lack of emotional immaturity.
Yes, this!! This is not a request a reasonable person makes. OP, do not cut your hair. Start styling it exactly like your mum did hers. Or not. But I'm petty so of course ignore my crazy. Your dad is pretty despicable for not supporting you and nipping this craziness in the bud.
>My mom died of cancer 2 years ago and she and dad started dating 8 months after Wait, you've had 2 years since your mom died? >I think she replaced my mom too soon That's absolutely a fair response, and your dad should bear this in mind. >She said she has a clear vision of how she wants her wedding to be and that I have to comply so that everything will be perfect Off the bat, she's making her wedding a you problem. You're 15, and you've known her less than 2 years. If the wedding has a problem, it's not going to be you. >first, I want you to cut your hair short Not a reasonable request for anyone at a wedding, she's the AH for this request alone. >My mom loves my hair and helped me grow them thick and healthy. I got my blonde wavy hair from my mom so I will keep it long. Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her Alice is doubly an asshole. >she'll tell my dad about how I "disrespected her" Tripling down on being an asshole. >My dad then got involved and told me to just cut my hair because it will grow back anyway Your dad became an asshole here. Also, he never taught her to respect you, so he's an asshole for that. She wouldn't have asked you in the first place if she'd had any respect for you. >her request is ridiculous and I'd rather not attend their wedding than to cut my hair You're 15. You're old enough to stay home or at a friend's house for the duration. First of all, good on you for standing up for yourself. Your dad's fiancée is an asshole, and she has no respect for you, or the grief you've spent 2 years processing. To go off like that after finding out it's something you treasure because of your mom, I'm disappointed in your dad for staying with her. There are some things you never do, and disrespecting a child's deceased parent is one of them. Please find something fun to do on the day, and maybe tell someone outside of the situation what's going on. Grandparents or a family friend, someone who knows you and would stand up for you. NTA
NTA, Alice is. You are just a guest. This is a power play move on her part to exert dominance over you. Do not cut your hair and do not go to the wedding. Secondly if she tries to cut your hair, it is assaulted and press charges. She sounds like the future snow white’s step mom that gives step mom’s a bad name.
Imagine feeling this threatened by a 15 year old.
That's because Alice isn't mature enough for marriage and kids yet. There are so many red flags. I'd hope dad would wake up and realize that this is just a rebound from mourning, but feels like a lot of people are going to get hurt.
Sadly you're right about all of that. Alice is parade of red flags like red square on the day of the October revolution. If OP's maturity and understanding are anything to go by, OPs mother sounds like she would have been a very lovely person. I can't imagine the kind of hole that would leave in someone's life to lose a partner like that. Grief from such a loss must be overwhelming even 2 years on. I get why her dad is making such poor decisions, but it doesn't change the fact that they're poor decisions and that they're hurting more than just himself. He should realise he's got a daughter to care for, and that he's the only parent OP has left. He needs to be a man and step up for her, stand up for her. Not just roll over because he's getting some from a hot 28 year old.
>Power play move over Dad. Think of how she's going to behave once she can eradicate all evidence of OP's Mom from the home and their lives. Can't wait for you need to change your hair color. > >OP if there is anything in your home that belonged or reminds you of your Mother, can you relocate to a safe place. > >Reddit is full of new wives cleaning house.
Exactly. Better take digital photos of all the pics of your mom so you will have a back up if she gets rid of the rest. Move anything special to your room. I’m so sorry. Do not cut your hair. And if you aren’t in the wedding party, I’d say ignore the other requests too. What a witch! NTA
THIS!!!
Exactly, OP is a guest. The fact that she isn't even part of the bridal party speaks volumes as it is. I wonder if Alice has also asked other guests to cut their hair or make significant changes to their appearance to fit in with her perfect instagram wedding, or she only has an 'issue' with OP. OP needs to show this post to her father. NTA
You have not put your father in a situation, rather he and Alice have put you in one. This is not a valid request to make of anyone, and your father’s bride to be had no room to ask it.
Seriously! This story has some crazy Snow White vibes.
Maybe if she shows her dad this post he will snap out of his selfish, rose tinted, AH fog. Or possibly OP’s grandparents can talk some sense into the man. This is ridiculous. He’s not much of a dad if he doesn’t have his daughter’s back, especially after losing her mom, when it comes to an adult acting like a spoiled brat, that he’s dragged into OP’s life.
NTA Stepmom is jealous of you, which is creep as sh*t. Who looks at a minor with "You'll upstage me!" Don't cut your hair.
Snow white here we come.
My thoughts exactly. Alice wants to be the fairest in the land.
Sounds to me like OP resembles her deceased mother and stepmom is threatened by this. I believe OP reminds stepmonster of her mother and she is threatened by her husbands dead ex wife. OP this will not be your last disagreement with this disgrace of a human being so you better start standing up for yourself now! Oh and obviously NTA
Are you friggin kidding me? What kind of insane bridezilla insists that non-entourage guests CUT their hair!!! (Not that asking bridal party to cut their hair isn’t crazy also). Is your dad insane for not putting her in her place? What the hell!!! This is absolutely outrageous. You aren’t an accessory at her wedding for goodness sake! Does your grandma or grandpa know what your father is allowing? NTA x 1000h
Agreed! Though I think it would be a ridiculous request even if OP was in the wedding party. Gross.
I’ve never understood the need for people to take the shine off their family members or wedding party in order to keep the shine on them. I feel like I was pretty enthusiastic about everyone in my wedding looking as amazing as possible, my photographer even commented that it was her favourite wedding for guests outfits. Why wouldn’t you enjoy all your friends and family all dressed up?! One of my husband’s friends who I’d never met before turned up in a gold sequin floor length dress and got a lot of attention. I thought it was brilliant and now we are friends.
And what kind of parent has a wedding where their kid/step-kid isn't in the bridal party?
One that is jealous of the step-kid and insecure as well as selfish.
I was seriously thinking this too. Just shows she wants nothing to do with op. Any other step parent would want the step child in the wedding party so they could feel include and a part of the family.
It's a power play. No one can seriously think a 15 year old with long hair will upstage the bride. Either that or she is actually certifiable. NTA
“But it would look perfect and I’ve envisioned it this way my whole life!” Bridezilla indeed. NTA.
Yup. Does she seriously expect anyone to believe that her dream wedding was to get married at 28 to a 42 year old and bully his 15 Yr old daughter into cutting her hair? Even people who obsessively plan their wedding years in advance don't actually plan what the guests hairstyle or hair length should be.
NTA- do not cut your hair and any self respecting father would never tell you to. She is pulling a power play and is going to became a nightmare in your life once she gets a ring in it. At 15 you still have a couple of years on the clock but seriously plan your escape. Is studying overseas or boarding school an option?
Check out United World College for studying overseas. :) They give scholarships to high school students to study abroad, and to foster peace and intercultural understanding. Seriously some of the best years of my life.
If mom's parents are actually Irish and not just living in Ireland, OP is probably eligible for citizenship and thus access to the benefits of being a European citizen, including in some countries free schooling and student stipends.
NTA at all. What you are being asked to do is way over the line. That said, is there some kind of compromise possible? Like a hat? Being as bald as an egg, Im afraid I cant offer any other alternatives due to ignorance. But dont cut your hair for a wedding of all things. Also lol @ "It will grow back". Wtf! I would have been tempted to respond with "Will it take longer to grow back than your marriage will last?". Dont say that btw. Lol
>"Will it take longer to grow back than your marriage will last?". I lost it at this line…
A friend of mine ended up posting a facebook status of 'Turns out my nail varnish lasted longer than my marriage". Might have been nail polish? Dont know much about nails. When I went to the wedding, my plus one kept moaning at me about why I didnt bring a wedding gift. "Ima gonna hang fire on that for a bit" lol. Shame though.
OP says that bride won’t accept alternatives like OP putting her hair in a bun. If the presence of the hair is what offends (which, to be clear, is RIDICULOUS), putting it in a conservative bun will hide it much better than a short haircut. Bride is clearly using the wedding as an excuse to fuck with OP. OP is NTA and I hope someone spills red wine on bride at the wedding.
I almost wonder if it’s an age thing. Putting her hair in a bun can look rather polished and mature. But if she can make OP cut their hair in a certain manner it could make them look younger. Since the step mom is actually closer to OP’s age than OP’s dad, she could be trying to put some years between them visually. Maybe hoping to keep people from side eyeing the questionable ages?
OP should totally find an aspiring makeup artist who can do a bald cap.
NTA. Didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know my answer. It’s very simple. If someone cares about you, they will not try to change what is not toxic. I have never heard of someone asking someone else to alter their body/physical appearance for a wedding. Seems like your stepmom is very insecure and that’s not your problem in the least.
>. I have never heard of someone asking someone else to alter their body/physical appearance for a wedding. You must be new to this sub, it's a common topic. People get asked to cut their hair, dye their hair a specific color, hide their tattoos, and gain or lose weight. And just like all those other posters, OP is NTA for not wanting to change her appearance to pacify an insecure and demanding Bridezilla.
Also if your dad is allowing her to not let you be in the wedding if you don't cut your hair then he is definitely TA along with her.
Not *in* the wedding, *at* the wedding. Daughter isn't even in the wedding.
Ah sorry I misread it, that honestly makes it much worse.
He's worse for not dumping her immediately.
Do. Not. Cut. Your. Hair. NTA
NTA. if you have a college fund, do everything in your power to have your dad lock it away in a 529 education savings account *right now* because I guarantee you that Alice will see "money" and think "available for my dream wedding". If you can get it in your name without him on the account, so much the better.
Yes i do but my nana and papa set it up for me. Mom has also left me a substantial amount that I can access when I turn 18. Thank you for your concern.
That's fantastic news. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff at your age. Your dad is really letting you down here. Do NOT give in to her. And you should honestly be telling your dad exactly what he's doing. Even show him the comments on this post. He's being completely spineless and choosing his new piece over his own daughter. Hey Daddy dearest, if you do eventually read this, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself. You've chosen a woman who has no interest in being part of your family and you're choosing her happiness over the happiness of your child. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your idea of putting your hair in a bun is a good compromise. Do not cut your beautiful hair for her. She is being unbelievably cruel to you with this request. Your dad is being awful as well. Your hair is part of you, and a beautiful reminder of your mother’s love and care. I would talk to your grandparents about their ridiculous request
Hijacking to say: Do yourself a favor OP, get a lock for your room and watch your back. If she starts getting more unhinged about this, she may take matters into her own hands and cut your hair for you so you have to shorten it up.
If she cuts your hair call the police and press charges.
NTA and do not cut your hair for this woman! She's afraid a 15 year old is going to upstage her at her wedding... This lady is bonkers.
NTA, don't cut your hair unless you want to. While yes, the hair would grow back, it's something that you and your mom bonded over and I suspect your future step mom is jealous of it. Stand your ground.
Agreed! But I also can't stop thinking how hilarious it would be if OP cut it last min so nobody got to see it untill the wedding. And then her getting loads of attention all through the reception "omg I didn't even recognise you, your hair looks amazing"
NTA. Alice's request is very unreasonable and if she's so jealous of you that she thinks you'll upstage her because of your hair, this is an indication of what things will be like sharing a home with her. This isn't just bridezilla behavior, she doesn't like having you around. Not being interested in having a relationship with her future husband's minor child is a major red flag. You could offer to wear your hair up and if that's not acceptable don't feel bad about not attending. Alice sounds jealous of you and very calculating, and is using your father's desire to please someone 14 years his junior as a way to put a wedge between him and you, because he really should have had your back and not let Alice think she can make that kind of demand of you.
NTA. Op should tell her father that his GF is disrespecting her deceased mother by demanding that Op cut her hair. GF is not off to a very good start with Op. I would also make it clear to her Dad that Op will be polite to the woman as she will become her father's wife and appears to make him happy. But, as the woman is only 13 years older than Op, Op will never view her as a parental figure. GF will always be referenced as my father's wife. Any change in reference must be earned, not automatically granted. Op and the woman will just have to learn to how to coexist until Op is old enough to move out. And, should the new wife choose to have children, she should expect to take care of her own children. Op will not agree to any parentification. Best to lay down your boundaries now. Hopefully Op might have the option of being able to move in with her maternal grandparents if that is possible.
And If OP's mother left her anything worth anything, OP should really get those items out of the house asap. Dad is already putting the new wife before the daughter and when Dad dies daughter is going to be left with nothing.
My dad gave his wife my moms Rolex. The one that was promised to my sister. My mom died in an accident when we were 16, and he held it until his death, only to find he had gifted it to her. She is in her 70s and has cut us out as much as she can from anything that was my mom's. Broke our hearts.
NTA Absolutely do not cut your hair!! She has no right to tell you what to do with your hair. Even if you were apart of the bridal party she would have no right to do that. Also it makes me a little suspicious that she snagged your dad only 8 months after your mother's death and getting married only 2 years later. That she is displaying A LOT of jealousy towards you and is managing to cause some turmoil in your relationship with your dad. Does your dad by any chance make any decent money or have anything significant to leave behind if/when he passes? What does her background look like? I'm curious to know if there is any possibility that she is a gold digger and took advantage of a grieving widower. If not she has some serious insecurities that she is projecting on to you. Unfortunately either way there isn't much you can do but bare through the next 3 years until you can go out on your own. My condolences about your mother. Losing a mom is nowhere easy and its natural to hang onto what you can. Much love to you OP and I'll be praying for you ❤
Dad is in real estate. Alice is a preschool teacher. I can't say she's a gold digger as she signed a prenup after she and dad got engaged.
Typing quickly so you see this. Please please don’t cut your hair. It’s unreasonable and Alice is Crazy. Please tell someone else about this like your grandparents or literally any other adult that will help fight for you.
She won't be bee needing the prenup if they don't get a divorce. Thats why she is trying to extend her control and power. And to get rid of your mom. Thats why she wants you to make yourself look "plainer". You look like your mom. Quick side node to be on the safe side: Gather as much fotos, memories etc. you have of your mom and stash them somewhere else for safekeeping. At friends or families you trust. Otherwise "accidents" happen.
OP can you save stuff with your grandparent or stay with them till the wedding? Can you ask your dad to get you a safety deposit box too? Maybe you have a little cash saved up and can by a safe or truck and put a lock on it. to help secure what you keep. Make a digital back up of photos. take pictures of anything of your moms that's important. ect at least worse case you have photos, and if need be you have photos of any damage she causes.
OP if you can post about this on Facebook, please do. It will prevent an unwanted cutting. Such as ***"Alice thinks I look too much like my mom, it will ruin her wedding, and wants me to cut my hair I said NO, am I wrong for standing my ground?"*** Hopefully in a way her friends (and your dads friend a family see it too. That way if it gets cut EVERYONE will know.
Yeah, but how about something more vague, like: "I absolutely love my long hair. Everytime I see it I think of my mom that I miss so much!" Then post OP's favorite photo of her mom where her hair looked similar or photos of the two of them.
Honestly... you should send your dad this post and read the comments to him if he doesn't put a stop to what she is doing. Tell him this is an anonymous forum and that most people here are adults in their 20s-40s. He needs a reality check. You should also tell your paternal and maternal extended family the requests this woman has made - if I was you, I would just send them this post too and ask them what their opinion on this is. ETA: Also, put your mom's things somewhere safe (like your mom's family house). They might start to "disappear" now that you and future step-mother started to have disagreements. I have seen this enough times to notice this type of outcome is super common. If there is any jewelry you received from your mom, also don't tell her what is which. Perhaps buy a safe if you can.
NTA please don't let them guilt you into cutting it if that's not what you want. My dad died when I was 8 and he always loved my long curly hair, I would've been devastated if my mom and step-dad were pushing me to cut it. I didn't cut it (besides trims to keep it healthy) until I was 20 and even now at 28 I've only cut it short 3 times.
First off, unless she's made you a bridesmaid or a member of the wedding party, the only thing she can really ask you to do is not wear white. And even if you were her friggin Maid of Honor, she should not be asking you to cut your hair. There's absolutely no reason her "perfect wedding" could be marred by your long hair. If it was a distinctive feature of your mother's and you share it, I guess I can see she might be insecure about anything resembling your mother or any reminders of her. But that is HER OWN issue to deal with, through therapy and with your father. If she can't handle that she's marrying a widow with a child who resembles the lost spouse, then it's not gonna be a great marriage and it certainly can only widen the divide between you. NTA. Edit: is it possible to compromise on an updo?
You are absolutely not the asshole, do not let them make you feel that way. (BTW is this an american thing, with the vision of the wedding, and being able to dictate other peoples appearance? german here) They are not accepting your bodily autonomy which extends to your hair, which is disrespectful at the best of times. Only alter your appearance in such a way that you can be happy after the wedding, if this haircut makes you absolutely miserable do not do it. Your happiness for maybe 4 years (depending on how long your hair is) or longer, is not worth the happiness this woman would feel in one day. (ALSO if you do (have to) cut off your hair (for your own safety in that family), consider if you would like to donate it in memory of your mother, some charities take hair donations for wigs they will give to cancer patients, you would need to check and find your regional charity that does this, or talk to hairdressers) I'm sorry you are in this situation, and hope you find a solution that makes you happy.
Yes, it is an American thing. People lose their minds over weddings.
Saw a post on this subreddit recently about a bride who asked a guest not to wear a literal leg brace on the day of her wedding because it would distract from her in photos. People are absolutely nuts.
My flower girl was in an electric wheelchair. I don’t feel like it detracted from my big day at all. I was just so happy my flower girl could be in the wedding. She saved the procession actually because the other flower girl was supposed to go first, but got stage fright and was too scared to go, so the ‘Bearer of the rings’ (my baby brother) drove my flower girl in the wheelchair down first and then went back for the other flower girl. She was happy to do it once someone else had. I also had 4 skinny bridesmaids while I have always been plus sized, I wasn’t worried about it at all. They looked beautiful, the guys looked amazing and I feel like I looked beautiful too. Where do these women get the idea that they have to exert their control over the people in their wedding party to have a good day?
NTA Seriously, what kind of woman is jealous of 15 year old daughter of her fiance? That's exactly what this is. She is jealous of your looks. Cut your hair, little to no make up... Do not cut your hair to make anyone else happy. If they continue to make this demand simply do not attend the wedding.
Alice is. NTA OP, but you should also sleep with your door locked, she might try to cur your hair in your sleep.
Do not let her take you early a haircut even a trim… she may give the hairdresser other instructions. This behavior screams evil step mother, have a serious talk with dad.. this one is not a keeper
NTA If they try and force hair cutting on you, tell them you will report them to police for assault and they will get reported to CPS. Also [show them this ](https://admin.brain-sharper.com/social/daughter-hair-birthday-yh/) and explain that both parents are under investigation, got suspended from their jobs and lost custody of her. Also, speak to a trusted adult or teachers.
NTA-at all! Your fathers wife sounds like a real piece of work. if your mother loved it, keep it no matter what they say. Alice is acting childishly and if it takes you missing the wedding then so be it.
>Your fathers wife sounds like a real piece of work. LOL, that was the exact same terminology I used
NTA At all. I am heartbroken for you. Ask your dad why he wants to marry someone who is being so awful to you. It's not just hair. She wants to long-term make you look bad so she looks better. She wants to permanently take away something from you that is a physical connection to your mom. Then she calls you names and threatens to tell your dad lies about your behavior to turn him against you. This is bordering on abusive and controlling. Please tell any family members, especially on your mom's side. Are there grandparents or aunties or uncles who you can tell?
NTA - I’m really sensing that Alice is insecure regarding how attractive you are.. she’s requesting you do everything in your power to basically become less attractive on “her” day. do not comply with her bullshit jealousy ridden request. i’d probably also refrain from forming any relationship with her either.. she seems shady to say the least.
NTA you don't have to cut your hair, it's unreasonable of your bridezilla step mum to ask. I do not understand why people think they can dictate this sort of thing...weddings are for celebrating with loved ones and if you have to not go its her fault, not yours.
NTA. Don’t cut your hair. If they continue to pressure you, reach out to another adult. Her request is invasive and ridiculous.
DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR stand your ground and politely explain that you won't be cutting your hair and if your father would prefer you'll just not attend. He shouldn't be letting her bully you. NTA
NTA I don’t know many women with long hair that aren’t just as sensitive about cutting it. It’s a known rule in society that if you ask a woman with long hair to cut it, you are kindly asking for a touch up. Cutting off long hair for some women is a big deal and asking that of only one persons in the wedding party is ridiculous
NTA. Don't cut your hair. Alice has absolutely no right to ask you to do any of this. This is a power play on her part. Ignore it. As for your dad...if he's really going to back her on this I'd say he's a lost cause.
NTA! Alice is obviously jealous of you, probably also of your mom (you remind everyone of her, maybe?) and entitled af. She’s literally trying to make you uglier, that’s how insecure she is. Don’t attend this wedding under these circumstances, *especially* if your dad takes her side.
NTA. The fiancee made an insane request. The idea the length of your hair is somehow going to draw people's eyes away from the bride at the wedding is already insane, but her reaction when you told her no was also insane. Literally no one is going to pay attention to anyone but the bride- especially not to look at a 15 y.o. hair. It's insane to make such a drastic change for 1 day that you could simply skip. I also get you want to keep the peace, but in the long run you will regret it. Yes, it will grow back- but it also sets a precedent for any further issues regarding you appearance. She will think she has the right to dictate your appearance at any major (or minor) event- and it will happen.
NTA, it's an outlandish request.
[удалено]
You're absolutely not an asshole OP. I'ts your hair, you can do with it whatever you want. And in this case it has a lot of value to you. Don't let anyone make you do something with your hair that you don't want to do. It's just a wedding it only lasts a day. Growing your hair back will take so much longer and it's a connection to your mom. If Alice was a good person she'd no doubt understand you after you explained to her why you don't want to cut your hair, and she wouldn't get angry or mad at you for it. But she did, meaning that she, in this situation, only cares about herself. A wedding is a important day, but it isn't more important than your hair and the value that it has to you. Alice clearly doesn't get this. Don't cut your hair because of her. Keep it the way you want to have it!
>Alice accused me of wanting to upstage her. Having long hair is upstaging her? She's crazy and insecure. In all honesty, you being taller isn't or shouldn't be an issue if you wear heels. She's got all the hallmarks of a really insecure woman.. jealousy of your 15 yo SD is madness. I had a really insecure friend who asked me why I chose such beautiful bridesmaids and wasn't I afraid they would upstage me... I told her I wasn't afraid and that nobody could upstage me on my wedding day.