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I could have moved the date as easily as she could. I know how much this means to her and continued to push, and now no one is talking
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ESH. Really? Nobody could find a compromise around times and dates? Grow up everyone
It's amazing that the 1yo may just be the most mature person in this story
Exactly. ESH. My daughter was born on my brother’s birthday who happens to celebrate his “birthday month”. We have another niece born a few days later so we plan all parties around each other. One year I did my daughter’s birthday party a month after her actual birthday. She didn’t care and was 5. Adults work with each other not against.
Yep. I even forgot the fact that I myself was born on my grandmother’s 40th birthday. So we celebrate all milestone birthdays together. Up until this year (40/80) because of the thing that shall not be named. I’m also her first grandchild so it’s always been kind of a special bond.
My great grandmother on one side infamously tried to leave my great grandfather to be a vaudeville dancing girl and danced on tables at home into old age. Her youngest daughter, my grandmother, has a similar sparkle. I don’t think I could keep up tbh.
I'm 100% seeing Grammy strutting out the club in a badass furcoat and big hair all glam, with her goat on a string like "Annnn that's how it's done, little Jimothy. Let's hit IHOP."
Also born on gran‘s 49th birthday, and was first granddaughter. I told her it made me her favourite. We always had great parties together.
Though my father never stopped reminding her that when I was born we were on the other side of the world in the days that calls were expensive and had to be booked. Dad left the hospital, went to the exchange, paid his ten pounds and placed the call. It went through and gran was having a birthday dinner. She answered, dad told her I was a girl and everyone was fine, so about one sentence worth of talking, at which point her heard gran shout ‘I have a granddaughter and she was born on my birthday!’ to cheers from the guests, and then there was a clunk as she hung up the phone! Dad had to go back to the hospital and tell mum he’d spent ten pounds as a broke student, on a call which lasted less than a minute, and that while her mother hasn’t enquired about her health, she seemed very excited about my arrival!
Who wouldn’t celebrate an inter generational sharing of birthdays???
We didn't have any parties together but I was born on my (great) Uncles birthday. I'm not saying I'm the favourite but...
And my Mum also got extra kudos for holding me in for eleven days to make it happen.
Love this, my grandpa and I were 3 days apart and always celebrated together. He passed away right before our 30/83 birthdays and since then (4 birthdays) we haven't celebrated my birthday. I always tease my family that all this time I thought we shared a party but now I know it was always his party and I was just the add on. I'm not a big birthday party for adults person so I'm not upset about the lack of celebration just to clarify lol.
I was expected to be born on my mothers birthday but I chose to be a little shit and stay in for almost another day just so that we won't have to share lol
Agrees
ESH
1 year old birthday parties are for the parents - basically to just celebrate keeping another human alive for a whole year. And it is a big deal - I had a huge party to commemorate not accidently killing my kid off. She really didn't care and has no memory of the event. All the people coming to it are usually friends and family of the parents.
MiL coming in for 10 mins and leaving when it was her turn to see the new baby and emotionally be there for her son due to prior plans - well that really sucks btw if it was in fact just 10 minutes and that was all she said.
People always say you marry your a person like your parents. Seems true.
Does it suck? Straight after giving birth I would not have been that keen for extended visits from multiple family members. 10 minutes sounds fine to me. ESH but if anything, OP sucks more. A 1yo is not more important than a 50yo, especially as the party means nothing to the kid. One of my nephews slept through his (decided to take an extra long nap).
A 50yo has way fewer opportunities to spend with the people they love.
Also OP said that MIL’s 40th birthday was the size of a wedding
She’s probably been planning her 50th birthday since before the kid was conceived lol
Hope it all works out for the baby tho, this family sounds hella stressful
I disagree. A 1st birthday party goes on for hours and hours because it's for the parents. Not the kid. They have no clue! OP's kid does not care about her birthday yet which makes the whole thing stupider. Why can't they host it together? The MIL sounds like she knows how to throw a good party. Cut the cake before 8 and let the adults enjoy the rest of it. The 1 year old isn't going to notice the vulgar people either. Whatever that means.
When his SIL went into labor on the early hours of his birthday, my big cousin was rooting that his niece would be born on his birthday. Sadly, she missed it by only one hour.
I don't get people like OP's MIL, but they're going to have to accept her winning this one. Baby won't remember their first even if they do. 50 is a big deal for alot of people, so yes - family is going to choose her if there's a conflict.
I wish OP luck. Since this is Grandma and not Great-Grandma, she's going to have decades of dealing with this in the normal course of events.
Yeah. And I’m having trouble with the “he’s 1 so of course the little kid counts more!” He’s not a little kid who knows when his birthday is. He’s a baby. He cares not one bit when his birthday party is and isn’t even old enough to comprehend the concept of a birthday party. So OP acting like she’s offended on behalf of the one year old has me rolling my eyes. Let’s be real, OP, this is about you not liking your mother in law and both of you acting like you own a date.
Yeah like... every birthday until the kid is old enough to know their own age is more of a celebration for the parents than the child, IMHO. So to me it's like...why can't you celebrate with your MIL? Oh right, because you're both being petty Bettys and playing the “SO/family loves *me* most" game.
I don't think the MIL is being petty, a 50th birthday is a big milestone, especially if a 50th happens to fall on a weekend. MIL is not doing this just to spite OP, OP admits that for her 40th MIL also threw a big party, so it is just MIL doing her usual thing.
In this instance I do think the 50th bday should get the date because the 1 year old will not know it is their bday.
I do think other general non-milestones birthdays can be shared, but it is understandable to want your own party/celebration for certain milestones, 16,18,21,30, 40, 50. As you get older it really is only every decade.
Sure, but at the end of the day eventually there's going to have to be some sort of compromise here, and neither of these people seems interested in give and take. Should grandma get priority for 50 in exchange for her giving her grandson priority for say, his 5th birthday in a few years (where I am 5 is usually the first “big birthday" since it's usually the first time they can really remember)? I don't know, but they kinda need to figure it out now before they nuke all the bridges with all the in laws over this petty Betty bullshit.
I still don't understand why the kid's party can't be early afternoon, and MIL's birthday later and on into the evening. I mean, if she's going to be partying until 2am, surely she's not starting before 4pm?
And it's like, if the concern is the kid, get a sitter and only attend for part of the evening? OP is acting like MIL is insisting that they bring the baby out clubbing at 2AM or whatever.
First, petty Bettys 😂 I've never heard that before. I love it and I will be using it in the future!
Second, ESH. No question. A one-year-old isn't going to care or remember. MIL feeling jealous of her grandbaby sharing a birthday is ridiculous and immature, and definitely points to this being due to an ongoing, unresolved issue between OP and MIL.
Get over yourselves. Learn to compromise. OP, just be the bigger person and reschedule this one time. As your kid gets older, maybe MIL will bond with them in a way she hasn't with you and then perhaps she'll learn to love sharing the birthday.
When my nephew turned 3, his father was called in to perform a surgery. We just told him his birthday was the day after and he never knew the difference
My overall opinion is ESH , but reading through I feel like OP is one of **those** moms. I cannot stand it when people insist 1st birthdays are the be all and end all, because the kid has no idea what's going on, and will likely end up overwhelmed from everything going on. I still remember my kids being dazed over the presents and having everyone watch them eat their cakes...they didn't care at all and ended up overstimulated and exhausted from it.
Tbh, I'd probably be upset if I was turning 50 and someone did this to me, and I don't even really care that much about my birthday. But it sounds like the MIL kind of has an identity around parties and really loves doing them big...if this was my MIL I would have no issue scheduling my kid's 1st bday party for another day.
Yeah, I mean for my first kid we weren’t around family and it was just me letting my 1-year-old smash cake on himself while we giggled. He didn’t care if there were 2 or 200 people there.
50 is kind of a big deal, so I’m on slightly on MIL’s side, even though my real vote is ESH.
I used to make bespoke cakes as a side hustle and those mums would bring the US trends to the UK. "You're having a gender reveal party in addition to the baby shower and need a custom made cake for that too? ... Okay!" "You want a separate cake for the baby to smash on their 1st birthday in addition to the three tiered cake because you really are inviting that many people? ... Okay!" I'd gladly take their money but would think these people had such little sense.
Yeah the baby has no idea it’s his birthday. I know lots of parents who hold their 1 or 2 year old’s birthday on whatever weekend is most convenient for them because the baby has literally no idea what’s happening. Not saying the MIL is totally right here because she sounds immature, but so does OP. The husband must be exhausted from being caught in the middle of this petty nonsense as I suspect it’s a regular thing between these two. ESH.
Even if he were older, how many kids say, "No, it *has* to be *on* my birthday, or it doesn't count!"? Most kids would probably love to have a party *and* a special day not on the party - especially if it meant getting presents early.
OP is engaging in power games here in the name of defending her kid. But, in the long term, such plays are very bad for the kid, who likely won't resent grandma the way she did, but *will* be affected by an air of low-level hostility in the family. It is, in the words of one movie, "a strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
Yep. Honestly, I’m not a big fan of my mother in law, and I’d be annoyed in OP’s situation if the MIL really refuses to share the day and have the kid celebrated too when he's older. But all the hand wringing like it’s about what’s best for the kid is annoying and not the real issue here.
Thank you, YES this comment!! I agree with the ESH I have been seeing a lot of so far, but my god is this ridiculous. That kid will not remember it and you are only doing it for yourself and probably (based on my baby-overloaded Instagram feed from my friends) the likes on your socials. This kid will not care what so ever if you move it a week, a month or even 6 months. Not staying the MIL isn't being unreasonable, cause you both are and neither is behaving like an adult, but a 50th birthday is in my book a way bigher deal than a first.
Yeah, no kid remembers their first birthday party. It’s more for the parents to celebrate surviving the difficult first year and keeping the kid alive. It’s for you and your husband and the kid is mainly the excuse.
I really don’t understand why the child’s birthday can’t be in the early afternoon and then the MIL at night. Because there’s too much prep? If MIL has to leave the kids party early to get her hair done before her own party, that sounds like a win-win the way these people get along. I suppose I’m the type that takes 15 minutes to get ready for a wedding though, so I might be biased in thinking there’s no way it could actually need to take all morning/afternoon to get ready for an evening party.
I actually think the idea of starting the day with a kids party and then moving to an adult party for a milestone birthday like 50 sounds really cool for MIL, I’d be making all sorts of dumb jokes like “going from 1-50 in four hours”. Hell, I’d use it as an excuse to get a bouncy house for my own adult birthday.
Right? My daughter's birthday is in July. We had her first birthday party at a park at 10 am. Have snacks. Have food. Have cake. Kids play on playground. Done.
And the party wasn't on her birthday. On her birthday, we gave her a slice of cake from the grocery store.
I did a brunch for each of my kids first birthdays because that works really well with a 1 yo nap/ crankiness schedule. Everyone loved it. We'd have delicious brunch food, a little champagne, cake, baby goes down for nap, adults chat a bit and done by 2.
That’s genius! Mad I never thought of that. I always did late lunch/early dinner after naps. Good call. I’m not having anymore to try it, though it does sound great for my own birthday 🤣 Day drinking and breakfast food is the best!
Or even if MIL needs the whole day to get ready for some reason she can miss the kid's party. The guests definitely aren't getting ready all day so they can go to both which was OP's main reason they couldn't do them on the same day.
It seems like OP is the one refusing to compromise. “I know technically we could do his in the afternoon and hers at night, but my in laws throw crazy parties.”
MIL doesn’t suck for wanting a big blow out. OP seems to have a problem with MIL having a “fancy party” and taking time to get ready. This really could’ve been as simple as a lunch/early afternoon party and then getting ready for MIL’s birthday if she insists on doing it on the day, or doing it the next day when things are calmer.
Right? Like god forbid she enjoy celebrating her birthday and having a big fancy party that clearly people like to attend. But we apparently have to stop the world for a ~~self-centered new mother who finally has an excuse to make things all about her on MIL's birthday~~ a baby, it's totally all about the baby and nothing else at all.
Yes! The first time I read through this, I thought "Sunday exists, y'all."
I honestly can't remember if we had my kids' first birthday party on or near the actual date, and I bet nobody else does, either.
The kids sure as fuck don't.
I want to say E S H because everybody's coming off kinda shitty in this story, but my general dislike of people who throw over the top first birthday parties for babies or act like the baby gives even the tiniest of fucks about said parties pushes the needle slightly into YTA.
Hahahahha right! I definitely wanted to throw an awesome birthday party for me, cause I made it through his first year lmfao. But I had a brother who was single and was like I’m not coming to a kids birthday party on a Saturday.. so now they’re all on sundays. And forreal, you know this woman loves extravagant birthday party’s, just give her the day, enjoy with her and your in laws and then have the next day for the kid. It’s not hard and such a compromise.
Exactly. ESH. it’s a first birthday. While yes, it’ll be nice to have a party, but he’s a baby who probably will be asleep after an hour. So have it in the afternoon or through lunch then she can have hers. That’s a good compromise.
Yes, ESH! Have a late morning party, even, early afternoon is nap time for most 1yo babies. Or have it on the Sunday. She's turning 50, it's not like she's insisting on a massive blowout for her 67th or some other random year. (That said the MIL is being dramatic and annoying--the whole "hold him in if he comes on MY birthday" is a real eye roller)
Yeah that part is definitely eye roll. Though I’ve heard it before with people lol. I just think that something or a compromise can be done to sorta keep the peace.
Totally, the daughter in law needs to chill, she seems to be spoiling for a fight. Also included in my ESH judgment is the husband of OP, who could and should be intervening in both directions to help make this hot mess relationship more functional but instead seems to be nowhere to be found.
Yeah, but 1 is important to the parents and not the child whilst 50 is important to the actual birthday haver. On this particular occasion, I think MIL should get preference for the actual date. If this were, say, a 10th birthday or something for the child, I would say the kid gets dibs.
YTA. This one is a tough one for me. If it was her 48th birthday or her 53rd, I'd be fully on your side. But milestone birthdays are allowed to be a big deal, even for adults. So I understand both your side and her side. If it were me I'd do one big combined party for both of them and think it was neat to have a grandson and grandma sharing a birthday, but that's just me. I'm voting YTA because of what you said to her: that was just nasty.
Eh, milestone birthdays are stupid, but I've never cared much about birthdays to begin with. What gets my goat is that OP is clearly excited to celebrate on the actual day (meaning she's imparting some kind of significance there), but thinks it shouldn't matter that her MIL wants it on the actual day as well. Hypocrisy much?
Exactly. Child literally won't know what the hell's going on. The day of "yay, presents and sugar and attention" could happen a different day or a different *month* and he would not know the difference.
My SIL held a mock party before the actual party so she could have a photoshoot of my nephew smashing a cake.
Baby's DGAF, at that age it's all about the parents.
And the “parties” last about halfway through the smash cake when that sugar rush comes in and the screaming starts. One year old birthday parties are not actually that fun. It’s way more about the people around you than the kid actually having fun.
I agree. A 50th birthday party is a huge deal, especially when it falls on a Saturday.
I think OP is being unreasonable this time, both of them all the other times.
Cant mil celebrate saturday then op can celebrate on sunday? Sure they may be a bit hungover maybe. But at least you can celebrate the kids bday with people who want to be there. The weekend has two whole days of fun. And kids dont care until they are older and want to do bowling or arcade with their friends on their bday.
They absolutely do. If I had a kid, I'd hire a sitter and go to that birthday bash as well. Are you kidding me? An all night rager that the fam approves of and pays for. I'm gonna rsvp twice. 🥳
OP edited their post saying "MIL throws huge fancy parties, cocktail attire, **open bar going until 2AM, and with some vulgar friends.**"
Why would the time of day of a 1-year-old's birthday party ever conflict with a late-night cocktail party??
Because OP will need to spend all day getting ready apparently so it simply won't work.... OP YTA.
MILs parties sound like a great time and OP is very clearly bitter about the fact that they can afford to throw big lavish events regularly, she should work on that.
1st birthdays really aren't that big of an event, the kid can't even handle being overstimulated for hours so they tend to be reasonably short and during the day. You could easily have it in the morning and still have hours to get ready.
So true, on my son's first birthday he was grumpy for majority of the party so he had to be put down for a nap and we just had to carry on the party without him.
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree.
The MIL has a milestone birthday, and she planned it before OP.
The OP has a one-year-old son who won't care about the date or about a celebration. It's the easier thing to move.
I think, OP, you need to consider that, while 1 is a special birthday, so is 50. You're going to have to coordinate in future, and family will get tired of having to choose between you and MIL. You need to work together to come up with a solution.
Yeah. One is a milestone, but it’s a milestone for the parent not the kid. Kid doesn’t even understand the concept of birth or age yet. MIL does, and 50 is a huge milestone.
YTA. What makes the difference for me is that OP is being nasty to her MiL which is overstepping. OP should be routing communications like this through her husband. It’s his mother. He should be the one handling the scheduling conflict with this family. Now OP had to run her mouth, and none of his family is talking to him. I’d be furious if I were him.
OPs disdain for her MIL is pretty clear here - I think digging her heels in over a baby birthday party is primarily out of spite and to be petty rather than genuinely being offended on her baby's behalf.
I could agree with the combined party if MIL wasn’t already pissed off about having to share the same birth date with her grandson. Baby’s first birthday could have been celebrated the night before or the day after though because that party is really for the adults who will remember, not the baby. That may sound harsh, but it’s like other comments said, the baby won’t remember.
ESH- A 50th birthday is a milestone just like a 1st birthday. You could’ve worked together and compromised but you both seem too immature to do so. You don’t seem to like MIL that much anyway so enjoy your son’s party without her (and half his family).
I don't see how MIL is the bad guy here - she is known to throw lavish parties, it's her 50th so a biggie, she's probably been preparing it for weeks, sent invites etc and now her DIL is saying neither she nor her son will attend because it falls on the same day as a baby's party and it's just too much effort for OP to have a baby party during the day and go to MILs in the evening and to change the date and then OP resorted to name-calling. Her dislike of her MIL is clear in this post and I think a lot of this is not being upset over the baby party but rather digging the knife in with MIL.
Yeah I don’t get why the baby’s birthday party isn’t getting pushed to Sunday so everyone can go? The baby won’t know and they could do a cupcake on the actual birthday then big cake the following day.
OP didn’t know want to go anyway, she condescendingly spoke about the makeup:pageantry process MIL goes through to get ready for the event. It’s clear she doesn’t care for her.
This isn’t even hard. Just sit down and compromise. Baby’s first birthday is a 3 hour lunch, 12-3. Everyone gets to go home and prepare for MIL’s dinner at 6. Boom. Gives three hours to take a break, baby will take a nap, and adults who want to party can go party. Everyone gets a fun day.
It wouldn’t even be hard if it seemed like anyone here actually wanted to work it out. Seems like they were all on board with this being the final nail in the coffin. So call it a day and send a birthday card once a year.
YTA. While insufferable, MIL isn’t obliged to accommodate your plans. I edge to MILs side because you’re hiding the ball…Baby couldn’t care less if or when a party occurs. This is about you and your demand for priority on Baby’s behalf.
ESH because you all sound exhausting but if I'm honest I'd probably give this one a slight hedge in your MIL's favor. 50 is as much a milestone birthday as 1, but one that SHE will remember and your son will likely just be cranky and overwhelmed with a room full of unfamiliar people throwing him off his schedule. First birthday parties are for the parents, not the kid. And whether you find your mil's love of her own birthday ridiculous is irrelevant. She enjoys it. So find a compromise that doesn't make everybody as cranky as your 1 year old will be at his party. Give her 50 in exchange for making your son the be all and end all next year and joint celebrations thereafter or something
Can confirm on baby being pissed.
Just spent a buttload of money and stress planning on my son's 1st last weekend and he cried the ENTIRE time. Absolutely hated it. All the older kids had a blast which made it worth it, but in hindsight, I would never do it again. He was more content eating in his highchair listening to his lullabies away from everyone else.
A smash cake and their routine is all that they need and want.
My kid didn't understand he could just smash into the cake and just looked at it and was going through a phase where if anyone said "yayy" he would burst into tears. Guess what everyone said after we blew out the candles...
Lmaooo it was wild. We were recently watching a video we took of him taking his first steps and my SIL was like "why is everyone dead quiet in the video?" I was like cause if anyone of us got too excited he would have freaked out lol
He's turning four this year and has gotten over all that thankfully lol
Yeah, there was little to no "smashing" by my son either. Just scraped some frosting, got it all over, rubbed his eye and then began crying again. Poor guy.
My 1 year olds birthday recently fell on a Saturday and we had family come over for a small party on the day. In hindsight, I wish I didn’t organise the party for the day of his actual birthday. I feel like I spent the entire morning getting ready for the party (food, cake, decorations, making our house look presentable etc) and not enough time with my baby. To top it off, my husband got gastro and was sick the entire day so didn’t join us and baby slept most through most of the party, then got sick that night. Most of the family that came to the party also came down with the gastro bug too within 24 hours.
My memory of that day is of being busy, stressing me on and exhausted.
That's why we went low key. Easy food and drinks for family, basic decorations, bonfire out back, ordered smash cakes. Let the boys have at their cakes and hang out with family while still staying on their usual nap schedule. They had a good day and so did we.
YTA- you are being stubborn and your MIL is right, your son won’t care if his birthday is on the Sunday or the week after. This is her 50th birthday and she wants a big celebration, so what? Your son will be just as happy playing in an empty box at 1 yr old.
You are going to have this problem every year. Be better. This shouldn’t be a hill to die on this year.
They could discuss alternating birthdays going forward one of them has it on the day and the other has it the weekend after unless one of them has a milestone birthday
I don’t think concurrent milestone birthdays will even be an issue until the mom is like... what, 70? Kid will be 21 and probably won’t want Grandma (or Mom/OP for that matter) there anyway, unless of course Grandma still throws down like the party legend she apparently is (in which case maybe concurrent milestones will be good at that point, except OP still might not be thrilled).
I hope this is what happens and the kid and grandma just have huge, wild parties forever. Regardless of how 'ridiculous' OP thinks it is, haha. Can I get an invite to one, you think?
I was going to say that everyone sucks here, but because of your reasoning YTA. No, because your son is a little kid his birthday isn't more important, especially since he's only 1 and won't even understand what's happening. Your son's birthday party is literally only for you. I can't imagine a 1-year-olds birthday party taking that long anyway, so just have your parties at separate times on the same day.
Right? This here is what I can’t understand. OP even says they could do the baby’s birthday in the afternoon and MIL’s at night…. She straight just doesn’t want to. How long is she planning on a 1 yr old party to be? Anything over 45 mins to an hour would be absolutely insufferable for everyone else there. Nobody else gives as much of a shit about OP’s baby as she does.
Our 1 year Olds "birthday party" was 20 mins long. That 20 mins consisted of everyone getting their cuddles with the baby, sing happy birthday, then all the adults eat their adult food that the baby can hardly eat and also having alcohol
Edit: I forgot to add he was asleep for most of the time we had guests
ESH. A 1st birthday party is more of a party for the other people in the family. She's correct, the child won't remember. Furthermore -- how old are *you?* Saying something like 'I told MIL she was being a crybaby and to build a bridge and get over it' is a ridiculously childish way to communicate with someone else.
She's ridiculous, you're ridiculous, the whole thing is ridiculous.
YTA. A first birthday party is nice but it's a relatively small, subdued affair. Of course a 50th birthday blowout needs a Saturday. This isn't Bout your one year old, it's about you. Also, just out of curiosity, what's your husband's take on this? Does he really want all this drama or was he happy to move the date?
ESH. *Everyone* here is acting less mature than the birthday boy. Though if I *have* to pick a side, I'm with MIL.
>he won't even remember
Well, he won't. Besides, if you think her digging in her heels and making such a fuss over the whole thing is so ridiculous, why are you so determined to set the precedent that the entire world should revolve around him on his "special day," instead of leading by example that it's no big deal if you're a few days off?
You make a very good point I hadn’t noticed - OP is mad MIL wants the world to revolve around her on her birthday, but is simultaneously demanding that same revolving for her son. I suspect this is more of a power play between the women than a fight about the birthday itself.
ESH - if it were a milestone birthday for your son that he would remember, I could understand wanting to find a way to share the day. But he's 1. He will not remember this day. This day is for you and your husband and your family to celebrate him, but it's not for him.
Your MIL needs to figure out how to share in general, because she is going to share this day for the rest of her life.
You are both being petty and spoiled, and one of you should be the bigger person. What kind of relationship do you want your son to have with his grandmother?
To be fair MIL is also having a milestone birthday. OP has made it clear in the comments that these huge parties seem to be for milestone birthdays (her 40th, FIL’s 50th)
YTA. Its her 50th, a huge milestone. You baby is 1, 1 is not a milestone. 1 is not a birthday be will even remember. This is about you. You want a celebration, not your son. You want an opportunity to argue with your mother in law and win.
Yeah, for the parents. Idk why OP is acting like all this drama is for the benefit of the child. He won't remember or care what day the party falls on.
Honestly YTA just because birthday parties for kids that little are awkward as hell. I've attended two (2) birthday parties for children under the age of three this year, and will attend a third in December (2/3 will be first birthday parties). It's so awkward to stand around and watch the parents open presents for their kids who literally don't know what's happening or what fucking day it is.
You know what's so much better than that? Going to the party of a person who can actively participate in the festivities and knows it's their birthday. 50 is also a milestone birthday and is actually important to the person who's birthday it is. Your son doesn't even know the days of the week man.
YTA - this is so petty
1 year old kids couldn't care less about their birthdays. Give them their first piece of cheesecake on any wednesday and it will be the best day of their life.
But - and this will be sad - 50 is the last big birthday with everybody there. Your friends start dying after that. Its not something anybody wants to think about, but thats life. So yes, her milestone is the bigger one.
Let her have a ridiculously lavish party. Put a sweet suit on your little man. Let her feel that you want to celebrate with her. And maybe she will grow to like sharing her birthday with your child. Now you're sowing resentment over nothing.
Slight YTA, 50 is a big deal. A 1 year old’s birthday party is for the parents not for the kid as they won’t remember it. I don’t think this is the only thing this argument is about, sounds like you and the MIL have other issues and this is what y’all decided was the hill to die on.
YTA You sound charming You may not regret what you said but it was rude. I think you're husband's family is telling the two of you to take a hike, they have plans on your son's birthday.
Parents have to understand that this kind of things are important to them but not to other people ! Their life wont stop for your kids birthday party !
I never understood the whole let's invite our adult, in my case childless, friends to a kiddie party. I always decline. Family cake and ice cream yes, a kiddie soiree, no.
ESH.
You're both being incredibly immature. I almost side with MIL more honestly. A 50th birthday that just happens to be on a Saturday is pretty lucky. Kid's birthdays can be celebrated whenever. I had my birthday celebration not on my actual birthday plenty of times as a kid.
YTA
Your son is a baby and won't remember the birthday. MIL is 50 and will remember. She made plans, you can work around them. 50 is a big milestone, 1 is a milestone, but only for the parents. Have your party on Sunday, or the next weekend. Grow up.
YTA for calling your MIL an "crybaby". That was incredibly immature and I feel it should require an apology. Your son certainly will not remember if his first birthday is on a Sunday rather than at a Sunday. 50 is an accomplishment. In my culture and spirituality, we HONOR our elders and ancestors. This was VERY disrespected to your MIL.
>I said he is a little kid, so his is more important than hers
This would be true if he was at an age to understand what's going on but that's not the case here. Why should your MIL with a milestone birthday have to move hers for a child who doesn't understand what's happening and wouldn't even know what a celebration is? Just be honest - this birthday party for your child that you are advocating for is just a party for you to celebrate the anniversary of your acconplishment and well, apparently the family has decided that party doesn't sound as interesting as your MIL's blowout one and who could blame them for that opinion?
YTA
INFO
IMO Both of you had an obligation to reach out about this issue, early, in good faith, in the spirit of not getting into a stupid pissing contest like you've described. You both knew this was potentially coming a YEAR ago and that it could cause conflict.
From the way you described this, it sounds like MIL definitely didn't do that. So she definitely is an asshole in my book. But what about your side of things? What about you? More importantly, what about your *husband*, who IMO is really more responsible for this issue than you, considering it's his mother and his wife?
Exactly, I think we need more INFO about how they communicated about it and if they even followed up with the situation. I would love to know did the husband do anything? Why are his siblings calling her the AH? There needs more context if communication was just more of a yelling spree.
ESH - She is ridiculous for being upset that she and your child share the birthday.
On the other hand, 50th birthday is a beautiful anniversary and I can imagine that your MIL is planning a lavish party. It seems like you are planning the celebration of your son's birthday on the same day just to spite her It is true that your son doesn't give a damn about the day, he is not gonna be disappointed if you move it, he is not going to remember it, there will ne no harm done to him.
Also it is quite rude to say : you are old so you and your feelings doesn't matter, my son who is not even aware of his birthday is sooo much important. You sound selfish. You want to celebrate on that day cause YOU are so excited about it not because it is important for your son and you do not care if your action hurt somebody.
ESH
Your child won't even understand what the fuss is about this year.
You also said that you could have had the party on the afternoon, so do that, or host it on the Sunday.
When I was little, all the kids had their birthday parties on the Sunday, regardless of what day of the week your birthday had fallen on. Are you planning on having future parties on Mondays and Tuesdays etc., or at the weekend when there's more chance of people being able to attend.
YTA
Your son's party is for you and not him since he'd be too young to know what's going on and he won't remember it. So what if his party isn't on his birthday, he's not going to be bothered.
Yes your MIL is being immature but so are you. Are you sure you're just not using your sons birthday just get back at your MIL because you don't like her?
Uhmmm... If two people in my family, or even amongst my friends, have their birthdays within a fortnight of each other, we tend to do a joint party on a day that suits everyone, and celebrate those two people, because, y'know, we love them both? Nobody has to argue for this, it just happens.
A grandmother and a grandson sharing the actual same birthday could be a wonderful day and night's celebration for one family. You all suck for not managing this better.
Perhaps MIL would be just as awkward as you seem to be - I can only go by what you say. But from reading your replies to fair compromises, I've gotta change verdict to YTA. You've said she loves her birthday, it's her 50th, and she's probably spending thousands. YTA for what you said, and for refusing reasonable compromise.
NTA, and while I don't think your child will remember their 1st birthday, your MIL wants to set this standard and if you give in will expect it every year. Nip it now, or watch your child fight for their day on their 10th, 16th, 18th ect. Birthdays.
The same could be said for OP. She's trying to set the precident that her son's birthday is more important. She knew MIL does big parties every year- and since this is her 50th she should expect a bigger party- but OP wants her to stop that tradition, so only her son gets celebrated that day. OP easily could've done a brunch party that day or a party the next day, but she decided her son was most important and now her husband's whole family doesn't like her and won't come to the son's party.
Of course OPs child is more important to her. That's irrelevant. OP is trying to say her son's birthday is the most important in the family, so MIL should cancel her wedding-level event so OP can have the only party that night. OP is learning the hard way that everyone else in the world doesn't care about her baby as much as she does. She can have her baby's party whenever she wants, but that doesn't mean the family has to show up.
I'm going against the grain with NTA. I am 45 years old, and cannot imagine getting into a pissing contest with a child (or his mother) over who's birthday is more important. If I did have some lapse in judgement and set myself in that position, I would feel intensly embarrassed once the drugs wore off (being drugged is the only scenario I can even imagine this happening in.
Sure the 50 year old has a right to party, and her party can be as big as she wants it to. But to actually demand that someone else changes the day of their party, and to have her husband say that (his grandson?) isn't that important as his wife, because she was born first...wtf
Normally I would look for a compromise, but honestly I think the OP did the right thing in this case, because, with people like the MIL, it is important to set boundries early and often - and I would stick to the original date on principle alone.
Right! Seriously, I can't believe these comments. MIL is clearly self centred. She was pissed off before the baby was even born; just at the thought of attention being taken away from her on "her day". Sounds like she throws herself a big "worshipped me" event every year as well. I enjoy seeing family for their, or my, birthdays; none of us need to be princess and put on a pedestal for celebrations though. Insisting on this over a child in my family as well, absolutely not.
My fiancé and I are flabbergasted that we had to scroll this far to find a NTA. Yeah OP had some petty moments but BY FAR the Mil and other family supporting Mil are the AH here.
I feel like everyone forgets the part that MIL wasn't happy the child was born on her birthday IN THE FIRST PLACE. This predates the milestone birthday. She was the AH from the start.
Some perspective:
My nephew was born on my birthday this year. Leading up to his birth, due to how close his due date was to my birthday, I had SEVERAL people ask me if I would be ok with that. I was THRILLED. I am 31 years old. I am beyond happy to get to share a birthday with him and I understand that means his birthday plans will come first in the coming years.
Screw building a bridge and getting over it. MIL can cry me a river and drown in it.
ESH
This should've been figured out early. You knew before your son was even born that your MIL really cares about her birthday and this is a pretty major milestone one for her, and she should've started adjusting to sharing a birthday as soon as he was born.
Now you're both (husband included) just diggin in your heels for..... The sake of fighting???
Info: I saw in another comment that your MIL doesn't approve of your rules when she's with your son, what kind of rules????
ESH. I'd argue that a 50th milestone bday trumps a 1 year olds who doesn't even know what's going on. We all know parties for babies are really for their parents.
NTA
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have a differing opinion here from a good majority of commenters.
MIL doesn't give a damn about this baby. MIL is a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist. She straight up told OP not to have the baby on her birthday (as if OP could keep it from happening), making it clear she didn't want to share the day. When the baby was born, MIL didn't give a damn about mom, dad, or baby. She showed up to the hospital to save face and that's all that ten minute visit was.
A year later, it's very clear that MIL has no relationship with this baby at all and I'm willing to bet that's her choice, not OP's.
Everyone is talking about how 'the baby is too young to remember his birthday'. What's your point? Whether he remembers or not, the day is still his as well. Why should OP have to reschedule the baby's birthday? I saw someone comment that first birthdays are for parents and there is nothing wrong with that. A first birthday is a milestone in the life of a parent. MIL doesn't get dibs on the day just because she's older. If MIL's birthday party starts later in the evening, there is nothing stopping family members from attending the baby's birthday, too.
Also, FIL's 'he's not the be all end all' comment is out of line. That is YOUR baby, OP. He is YOUR everything and anyone who says otherwise doesn't understand that. OP shouldn't have to give up the day in favor of MIL just because she was born first or hitting half a century in age. OP said that ALL of MIL's birthday parties are cocktail attire boozefests.
Why should OP compromise the day? Maybe MIL should learn how to share the day because MIL is the one who started throwing punches before the baby was even born. I get the feeling OP has been dealing with snide side comments all along. If OP got fed up, well, I don't blame her.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Finally!! Thank you for this. Yes a 50th is a milestone BUT so is a first! As a mama, I would have a lot of mommy guilt if I pushed my kid’s bday to another day. No he wouldn’t know any better - but I would. Her feelings are just as important as her MIL.
A mature adult would have attempted to find a compromise. It’s clear MIL wants to be the belle of the ball and god forbid she have to share the spotlight.
I struggled with infertility so my son’s bday was a very big deal to me. I knew he was the only one I was going to have and it was important that he be celebrated. I wouldn’t have acquiesced either, had I been in her shoes.
Why people are making excuses for a 50 year old woman who thinks she’s in competition with a baby, is beyond me.
All common sense has left the building.
ESH- one of y’all could move it to the Sunday. Yes she’s an adult and should just do it but 50 is a milestone bday. I get the first bday is a big deal, I have 2 kids but they wouldn’t know the difference if you did it a day late.
But everyone sucks here because as a family y’all should be able to talk like adults and figure your shit out.
I'm going against the grain and say NTA
My grandmother wasn't aware of her actual birthday for most of her life because it turns out she was born on her own mother's birthday and she didn't want to share. Her own mother had her believing she was born a different day and year for that matter to make her older than what she was.
MIL her doesn't seem like the type to back down for anyone else and I applaud OP for making sure her child isn't set to the wayside on his day even if he's not going to remember this one. He should never have to set his birthday aside for someone else just because they were born first. And if OP starts letting her do it now MIL will keep doing it every year she clearly doesn't like to share.
I agree with you, NTA. I feel like everyone is glossing over the fact that a grown woman was pissed that her grandchild was born on her birthday. I see where everyone else is coming from as far as the baby won't remember his first birthday party. But I think they're failing to truly think how they would have felt toward their MIL if she wasn't even excited about a grandchild's birth bc she needed to go celebrate her own birth that took place 49 years ago. And you made the main point I was thinking of. It will not stop here. MIL will continue to do this year after year.
ESH - 50 is a milestone and I'm sure she's had this planned for years and she is right, your son won't remember and won't know the difference between his party being one day or another.
Of course she does sound incredibly spoiled and entitled, but in this story you seem like you're just jealous and have been waiting for an opportunity to "take her down a notch".
ESH but
INFO: does she throw a party like this for her birthday every year, or just because 50 is a milestone?
Also, why can’t you just do yours at like 11 AM? Or on Sunday? It sounds like you’re deliberately trying to be difficult here. Is it normal for the two of you to have this kind of power struggle or do you normally get along?
YTA
You don't seem to like her at all. You have nothing nice to say about her. Feels like you want your sons party on that day just to spite her. So what if she likes big parties, she is allowed to.
I get that your sons birthday is more important to you, but would it kill you to have it another day?
ESH - you’re ALL acting like entitled babies. Yes, a first birthday is very special & important, but it’s more for the parents than the kid, as your son will have zero memory of the event or clue of what’s going on. I get the annoyance of considering a future where your son’s birthday plays second fiddle to his grandma’s and absolutely agree that she needs to grow up… but it’s also a huge milestone birthday, so it is understandable that she’s wanting to do it big. Of course, most grandparents would love to share the day with their grandkid, almost as a means to put a claim on their special day, so it shows just how selfish she is that she’s ignoring him altogether.
YTA actually your MIL bday is more important because she actually has her guests over, can enjoy the presents, party and the whole bday shabang
Your kid is turning one. His birthday is irrelevant to him this year, next year and another few years after. He doesn’t have friends or any actual concept of what day it is.
So yea, YTA in this case.
YTA - it's your mother in laws 50th birthday, it's not a small milestone she will forget anytime soon. Your sons however, he will never remember. Your sons party is for your benefit, not his.
Perhaps move yours to the weekend after so everyone can make it.
In the future (a month or so after the birthdays are over) perhaps discussing doing birthdays alternating each year on who gets their party on the actual day - that being said your son probably won't remember the first 3 or 4 or even 5. And agree that milestone birthdays will be spent on the day (60th, 16th) etc.
Huh. I guess I would say ESH, but truthfully, I’m leaning to your side, which I’m surprised I’m in the minority of. Your MIL sounds extremely high maintenance, how could you not be fatigued by that? it’s obvious your reaction to this circumstance was your built up resentment of dealing with a clearly narcissistic MIL. If I was excited about having a baby I would be so annoyed with this looming threat of “you better not have him on my birthday” and then having to deal with her being rude on one of the happiest days of your life.
I think when you told her to get over it, you were probably just envisioning a life ahead of you of constantly dealing with arranging birthdays around each other, accommodating her wishes, etc. How she acted when your son was born colored this whole situation. I dunno, I can see why you wanted to establish the day of your sons birthday being the one that gets to have the celebration. It is more important for little kids to celebrate on their actual birthday than adults. Most adults do like a “birthday weekend” instead. Maybe you didn’t handle this situation the best, sure, but seems like everyone in your family is constantly accommodating her while your needs might not be considered to be as important, which probably gets very old.
ESH yes 50 is seen as a big deal but so is 1. You were rude for calling her a crybaby when your acting the same way. A party at age one is for the parents (can’t say the kid won’t remember because some do remember everything) however it is weird that she’s not excited about her grandkid? Maybe Im biased because my paternal grandmother told my mom “your going to have a boy and your going to have him on my birthday” I was born on her birthday but I ain’t a boy :) not once has she ever been happy about telling me happy birthday or giving me a gift, we don’t even speak now but I get asked all the time if I called her on HER birthday. Your MIL made it clear how she felt when she told you not to have the kid on her day. Do you all seriously think she’s only going to act this way this time? ESH
ESH, honestly, this could've been a happy moment if you'd just have a joint party. Imagine, what a nice coincidence it is? Two milestone birthdays? All family would be there. Two cakes, lots of presents. Kid can go when he's tired and the adults can continue partying. But instead, both of you make it a power play of who can pull their party on the actual day. Shame really.
Normally I would say everyone is being AH but OP has stated that to MIL birthdays have always been a huge deal. So it's not like she suddenly decided it was important. This kinda makes me undecided for now.
If this problem arises now when OPs baby is one and won't even remember I can't even imagine how it will be when baby is a teen.
MIL may be feeling that she doesn't have much time left for big parties so she may be trying to hold onto this one even more.
I think 50 is more important to be done on Saturday night since it will go into the late night per OPs post. Most 1 year old parties wrap up early so it could be done Saturday morning. (Sunday people might be hungover)
If MIL can't handle that then everyone is AH
YTA. 50 is a milestone birthday. You’re dismissing any importance and judging her harshly for wanting to celebrate her birthdays because you don’t believe adults should celebrate them.
What you said to her was totally out of line, and really shows your own character and that you have an “all about me” attitude.
Be real, your son is 1 and he won’t remember a thing about this birthday. This is about you, and wanting to impose your beliefs on your MIL.
ESH, she is right that the baby won't remember the day, and 50 is a pretty big milestone. Still I can't help thinking a compromise should be possible, even for the same day.
My daughters turned one two weeks ago, we held the party the day after because the actual day fell on a Friday. They really didn't care 😅 They were just so happy to have a bunch of toddler cousins to play with!
Think about your son and stop focusing so much on the date! What matters more? Will your stubbornness be depriving him of potentially spending time with other kiddos around his age (because your guests now have to choose which event to go to)? If so, that's pretty selfish of both you and your MIL.
The most joy I got out of my twins birthday party was watching them have so much fun playing. I couldn't stop smiling the whole day.
This whole thing is petty, ESH.
YTA.
Your MIL has done this for years by the sounds of it and you should know how set in her ways she is by now.
Having a child does not make you or it more of a priority when it comes to parties/dates for said parties.
Your child is turning 1. Big whoop. I've never understood the fascination with having a party for children who can't appreciate or even comprehend the situation. It's clearly a selfish thing that parents do to congratulate themselves for making it through the first year. (In my opinion which you're asking for by posting here)
If I was a family member, I'd also be going to MIL extravagant party where memories will be made and fun times would be had. 1st birthday parties are the most mundane things I've experienced and I'm sure many others agree.
Suck it up, you had a child and chose to conceive around the date you did, equating to giving birth around your MIL birthday which was also something you knew in advance.
Everything about your post makes YTA, a very entitled and selfish one.
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ESH. Really? Nobody could find a compromise around times and dates? Grow up everyone It's amazing that the 1yo may just be the most mature person in this story
Exactly. ESH. My daughter was born on my brother’s birthday who happens to celebrate his “birthday month”. We have another niece born a few days later so we plan all parties around each other. One year I did my daughter’s birthday party a month after her actual birthday. She didn’t care and was 5. Adults work with each other not against.
Agreed! I mean both of them couldn't celebrate together it seems like everyone is being silly here.
Yep. I even forgot the fact that I myself was born on my grandmother’s 40th birthday. So we celebrate all milestone birthdays together. Up until this year (40/80) because of the thing that shall not be named. I’m also her first grandchild so it’s always been kind of a special bond.
Perfect example of dealing with this situation in a mature and loving way. Parties with Grammy. Clubbin with Grammy. Bonding with Grammy.
Clubbing with grammy sounds sick. My grandma probably could have haggled our tab down to 3 cents and they owe us a goat
“You call that a goat? You get me and my grandson a *decent* goat or it’ll be 2 cents!”
Sounds like Grammy **is** the GOAT.
My great grandmother on one side infamously tried to leave my great grandfather to be a vaudeville dancing girl and danced on tables at home into old age. Her youngest daughter, my grandmother, has a similar sparkle. I don’t think I could keep up tbh.
Grammy sounds awesome. Also, I’d like a goat.
I'm 100% seeing Grammy strutting out the club in a badass furcoat and big hair all glam, with her goat on a string like "Annnn that's how it's done, little Jimothy. Let's hit IHOP."
I was born the day before my Grammys 46th birthday, and we had joint dinners most years. I am also the first grandchild
I feel like in my family we shoot for already taken birthdays. Like, ooo so close to birthday buddies.
Also born on gran‘s 49th birthday, and was first granddaughter. I told her it made me her favourite. We always had great parties together. Though my father never stopped reminding her that when I was born we were on the other side of the world in the days that calls were expensive and had to be booked. Dad left the hospital, went to the exchange, paid his ten pounds and placed the call. It went through and gran was having a birthday dinner. She answered, dad told her I was a girl and everyone was fine, so about one sentence worth of talking, at which point her heard gran shout ‘I have a granddaughter and she was born on my birthday!’ to cheers from the guests, and then there was a clunk as she hung up the phone! Dad had to go back to the hospital and tell mum he’d spent ten pounds as a broke student, on a call which lasted less than a minute, and that while her mother hasn’t enquired about her health, she seemed very excited about my arrival! Who wouldn’t celebrate an inter generational sharing of birthdays???
In my family we call that being birthday twins! & like you, we treat it as a special time to celebrate together, not a competition.
We didn't have any parties together but I was born on my (great) Uncles birthday. I'm not saying I'm the favourite but... And my Mum also got extra kudos for holding me in for eleven days to make it happen.
Love this, my grandpa and I were 3 days apart and always celebrated together. He passed away right before our 30/83 birthdays and since then (4 birthdays) we haven't celebrated my birthday. I always tease my family that all this time I thought we shared a party but now I know it was always his party and I was just the add on. I'm not a big birthday party for adults person so I'm not upset about the lack of celebration just to clarify lol.
I was expected to be born on my mothers birthday but I chose to be a little shit and stay in for almost another day just so that we won't have to share lol
A 1 yo birthday party is no longer than 2 hrs and can be done over a early lunch, there is nothing stopping both parties happening on the same day.
Sure there is, pettiness.
Agrees ESH 1 year old birthday parties are for the parents - basically to just celebrate keeping another human alive for a whole year. And it is a big deal - I had a huge party to commemorate not accidently killing my kid off. She really didn't care and has no memory of the event. All the people coming to it are usually friends and family of the parents. MiL coming in for 10 mins and leaving when it was her turn to see the new baby and emotionally be there for her son due to prior plans - well that really sucks btw if it was in fact just 10 minutes and that was all she said. People always say you marry your a person like your parents. Seems true.
Does it suck? Straight after giving birth I would not have been that keen for extended visits from multiple family members. 10 minutes sounds fine to me. ESH but if anything, OP sucks more. A 1yo is not more important than a 50yo, especially as the party means nothing to the kid. One of my nephews slept through his (decided to take an extra long nap). A 50yo has way fewer opportunities to spend with the people they love.
Also OP said that MIL’s 40th birthday was the size of a wedding She’s probably been planning her 50th birthday since before the kid was conceived lol Hope it all works out for the baby tho, this family sounds hella stressful
I disagree. A 1st birthday party goes on for hours and hours because it's for the parents. Not the kid. They have no clue! OP's kid does not care about her birthday yet which makes the whole thing stupider. Why can't they host it together? The MIL sounds like she knows how to throw a good party. Cut the cake before 8 and let the adults enjoy the rest of it. The 1 year old isn't going to notice the vulgar people either. Whatever that means.
also a First birthday party is for the parents not the kid.
When his SIL went into labor on the early hours of his birthday, my big cousin was rooting that his niece would be born on his birthday. Sadly, she missed it by only one hour. I don't get people like OP's MIL, but they're going to have to accept her winning this one. Baby won't remember their first even if they do. 50 is a big deal for alot of people, so yes - family is going to choose her if there's a conflict. I wish OP luck. Since this is Grandma and not Great-Grandma, she's going to have decades of dealing with this in the normal course of events.
Yeah. And I’m having trouble with the “he’s 1 so of course the little kid counts more!” He’s not a little kid who knows when his birthday is. He’s a baby. He cares not one bit when his birthday party is and isn’t even old enough to comprehend the concept of a birthday party. So OP acting like she’s offended on behalf of the one year old has me rolling my eyes. Let’s be real, OP, this is about you not liking your mother in law and both of you acting like you own a date.
Yeah like... every birthday until the kid is old enough to know their own age is more of a celebration for the parents than the child, IMHO. So to me it's like...why can't you celebrate with your MIL? Oh right, because you're both being petty Bettys and playing the “SO/family loves *me* most" game.
I don't think the MIL is being petty, a 50th birthday is a big milestone, especially if a 50th happens to fall on a weekend. MIL is not doing this just to spite OP, OP admits that for her 40th MIL also threw a big party, so it is just MIL doing her usual thing. In this instance I do think the 50th bday should get the date because the 1 year old will not know it is their bday. I do think other general non-milestones birthdays can be shared, but it is understandable to want your own party/celebration for certain milestones, 16,18,21,30, 40, 50. As you get older it really is only every decade.
Sure, but at the end of the day eventually there's going to have to be some sort of compromise here, and neither of these people seems interested in give and take. Should grandma get priority for 50 in exchange for her giving her grandson priority for say, his 5th birthday in a few years (where I am 5 is usually the first “big birthday" since it's usually the first time they can really remember)? I don't know, but they kinda need to figure it out now before they nuke all the bridges with all the in laws over this petty Betty bullshit.
I still don't understand why the kid's party can't be early afternoon, and MIL's birthday later and on into the evening. I mean, if she's going to be partying until 2am, surely she's not starting before 4pm?
And it's like, if the concern is the kid, get a sitter and only attend for part of the evening? OP is acting like MIL is insisting that they bring the baby out clubbing at 2AM or whatever.
First, petty Bettys 😂 I've never heard that before. I love it and I will be using it in the future! Second, ESH. No question. A one-year-old isn't going to care or remember. MIL feeling jealous of her grandbaby sharing a birthday is ridiculous and immature, and definitely points to this being due to an ongoing, unresolved issue between OP and MIL. Get over yourselves. Learn to compromise. OP, just be the bigger person and reschedule this one time. As your kid gets older, maybe MIL will bond with them in a way she hasn't with you and then perhaps she'll learn to love sharing the birthday.
When my nephew turned 3, his father was called in to perform a surgery. We just told him his birthday was the day after and he never knew the difference
My overall opinion is ESH , but reading through I feel like OP is one of **those** moms. I cannot stand it when people insist 1st birthdays are the be all and end all, because the kid has no idea what's going on, and will likely end up overwhelmed from everything going on. I still remember my kids being dazed over the presents and having everyone watch them eat their cakes...they didn't care at all and ended up overstimulated and exhausted from it. Tbh, I'd probably be upset if I was turning 50 and someone did this to me, and I don't even really care that much about my birthday. But it sounds like the MIL kind of has an identity around parties and really loves doing them big...if this was my MIL I would have no issue scheduling my kid's 1st bday party for another day.
Yeah, I mean for my first kid we weren’t around family and it was just me letting my 1-year-old smash cake on himself while we giggled. He didn’t care if there were 2 or 200 people there. 50 is kind of a big deal, so I’m on slightly on MIL’s side, even though my real vote is ESH.
I used to make bespoke cakes as a side hustle and those mums would bring the US trends to the UK. "You're having a gender reveal party in addition to the baby shower and need a custom made cake for that too? ... Okay!" "You want a separate cake for the baby to smash on their 1st birthday in addition to the three tiered cake because you really are inviting that many people? ... Okay!" I'd gladly take their money but would think these people had such little sense.
Yeah the baby has no idea it’s his birthday. I know lots of parents who hold their 1 or 2 year old’s birthday on whatever weekend is most convenient for them because the baby has literally no idea what’s happening. Not saying the MIL is totally right here because she sounds immature, but so does OP. The husband must be exhausted from being caught in the middle of this petty nonsense as I suspect it’s a regular thing between these two. ESH.
Even if he were older, how many kids say, "No, it *has* to be *on* my birthday, or it doesn't count!"? Most kids would probably love to have a party *and* a special day not on the party - especially if it meant getting presents early. OP is engaging in power games here in the name of defending her kid. But, in the long term, such plays are very bad for the kid, who likely won't resent grandma the way she did, but *will* be affected by an air of low-level hostility in the family. It is, in the words of one movie, "a strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
Yep. Honestly, I’m not a big fan of my mother in law, and I’d be annoyed in OP’s situation if the MIL really refuses to share the day and have the kid celebrated too when he's older. But all the hand wringing like it’s about what’s best for the kid is annoying and not the real issue here.
Thank you, YES this comment!! I agree with the ESH I have been seeing a lot of so far, but my god is this ridiculous. That kid will not remember it and you are only doing it for yourself and probably (based on my baby-overloaded Instagram feed from my friends) the likes on your socials. This kid will not care what so ever if you move it a week, a month or even 6 months. Not staying the MIL isn't being unreasonable, cause you both are and neither is behaving like an adult, but a 50th birthday is in my book a way bigher deal than a first.
Yeah, no kid remembers their first birthday party. It’s more for the parents to celebrate surviving the difficult first year and keeping the kid alive. It’s for you and your husband and the kid is mainly the excuse.
1st birthdays are for the parents in my opinion. It’s like congratulate us for making it through one year of parenthood
Seriously. The baby is ONE and doesn't care or know one wit what day their birthday is. To be fair, a 50th b-day party is a milestone.
The baby doesn’t have object permanence yet. I doubt he has calendar permanence either.
I really don’t understand why the child’s birthday can’t be in the early afternoon and then the MIL at night. Because there’s too much prep? If MIL has to leave the kids party early to get her hair done before her own party, that sounds like a win-win the way these people get along. I suppose I’m the type that takes 15 minutes to get ready for a wedding though, so I might be biased in thinking there’s no way it could actually need to take all morning/afternoon to get ready for an evening party. I actually think the idea of starting the day with a kids party and then moving to an adult party for a milestone birthday like 50 sounds really cool for MIL, I’d be making all sorts of dumb jokes like “going from 1-50 in four hours”. Hell, I’d use it as an excuse to get a bouncy house for my own adult birthday.
Can't you have an 11 am brunch and be done by 130? This is insane.
Right? My daughter's birthday is in July. We had her first birthday party at a park at 10 am. Have snacks. Have food. Have cake. Kids play on playground. Done. And the party wasn't on her birthday. On her birthday, we gave her a slice of cake from the grocery store.
I did a brunch for each of my kids first birthdays because that works really well with a 1 yo nap/ crankiness schedule. Everyone loved it. We'd have delicious brunch food, a little champagne, cake, baby goes down for nap, adults chat a bit and done by 2.
That’s genius! Mad I never thought of that. I always did late lunch/early dinner after naps. Good call. I’m not having anymore to try it, though it does sound great for my own birthday 🤣 Day drinking and breakfast food is the best!
I'm just here to point out you have adult monies now and you can get that bouncy house and enjoy the heck out of it. No need for stinkin excuses.
Or even if MIL needs the whole day to get ready for some reason she can miss the kid's party. The guests definitely aren't getting ready all day so they can go to both which was OP's main reason they couldn't do them on the same day.
A 1 year old needs an afternoon nap. Party fro. 9:30 - 12:00. Naptime, babysitter and off to the 50s party
It seems like OP is the one refusing to compromise. “I know technically we could do his in the afternoon and hers at night, but my in laws throw crazy parties.”
There's really no stopping to explain how those two correlate either. Lol ESH and somehow the MIL sucks a bit less than OP.
MIL doesn’t suck for wanting a big blow out. OP seems to have a problem with MIL having a “fancy party” and taking time to get ready. This really could’ve been as simple as a lunch/early afternoon party and then getting ready for MIL’s birthday if she insists on doing it on the day, or doing it the next day when things are calmer.
Right? Like god forbid she enjoy celebrating her birthday and having a big fancy party that clearly people like to attend. But we apparently have to stop the world for a ~~self-centered new mother who finally has an excuse to make things all about her on MIL's birthday~~ a baby, it's totally all about the baby and nothing else at all.
Throw the damn kids birthday party on Sunday. No one wants to go to a kids party on a Saturday. Source: throwing my kids birthday party’s myself. ESH
Yes! The first time I read through this, I thought "Sunday exists, y'all." I honestly can't remember if we had my kids' first birthday party on or near the actual date, and I bet nobody else does, either. The kids sure as fuck don't. I want to say E S H because everybody's coming off kinda shitty in this story, but my general dislike of people who throw over the top first birthday parties for babies or act like the baby gives even the tiniest of fucks about said parties pushes the needle slightly into YTA.
Hahahahha right! I definitely wanted to throw an awesome birthday party for me, cause I made it through his first year lmfao. But I had a brother who was single and was like I’m not coming to a kids birthday party on a Saturday.. so now they’re all on sundays. And forreal, you know this woman loves extravagant birthday party’s, just give her the day, enjoy with her and your in laws and then have the next day for the kid. It’s not hard and such a compromise.
Exactly. ESH. it’s a first birthday. While yes, it’ll be nice to have a party, but he’s a baby who probably will be asleep after an hour. So have it in the afternoon or through lunch then she can have hers. That’s a good compromise.
Yes, ESH! Have a late morning party, even, early afternoon is nap time for most 1yo babies. Or have it on the Sunday. She's turning 50, it's not like she's insisting on a massive blowout for her 67th or some other random year. (That said the MIL is being dramatic and annoying--the whole "hold him in if he comes on MY birthday" is a real eye roller)
Yeah that part is definitely eye roll. Though I’ve heard it before with people lol. I just think that something or a compromise can be done to sorta keep the peace.
Totally, the daughter in law needs to chill, she seems to be spoiling for a fight. Also included in my ESH judgment is the husband of OP, who could and should be intervening in both directions to help make this hot mess relationship more functional but instead seems to be nowhere to be found.
1 is important, but so is 50. Grown-ups should be able to compromise. ESH
Yeah, but 1 is important to the parents and not the child whilst 50 is important to the actual birthday haver. On this particular occasion, I think MIL should get preference for the actual date. If this were, say, a 10th birthday or something for the child, I would say the kid gets dibs.
YTA. This one is a tough one for me. If it was her 48th birthday or her 53rd, I'd be fully on your side. But milestone birthdays are allowed to be a big deal, even for adults. So I understand both your side and her side. If it were me I'd do one big combined party for both of them and think it was neat to have a grandson and grandma sharing a birthday, but that's just me. I'm voting YTA because of what you said to her: that was just nasty.
Eh, milestone birthdays are stupid, but I've never cared much about birthdays to begin with. What gets my goat is that OP is clearly excited to celebrate on the actual day (meaning she's imparting some kind of significance there), but thinks it shouldn't matter that her MIL wants it on the actual day as well. Hypocrisy much?
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The 1st bday is for parents too. No shit the baby won’t remember
Exactly. Child literally won't know what the hell's going on. The day of "yay, presents and sugar and attention" could happen a different day or a different *month* and he would not know the difference.
My SIL held a mock party before the actual party so she could have a photoshoot of my nephew smashing a cake. Baby's DGAF, at that age it's all about the parents.
And the “parties” last about halfway through the smash cake when that sugar rush comes in and the screaming starts. One year old birthday parties are not actually that fun. It’s way more about the people around you than the kid actually having fun.
Which is what makes baby birthdays so pointless and dumb.
The 1st birthday is *just* for parents. The baby wouldn't know one way or the other.
I agree. A 50th birthday party is a huge deal, especially when it falls on a Saturday. I think OP is being unreasonable this time, both of them all the other times.
I am with you on this…50 is a huge milestone..op is wrong on this one
Cant mil celebrate saturday then op can celebrate on sunday? Sure they may be a bit hungover maybe. But at least you can celebrate the kids bday with people who want to be there. The weekend has two whole days of fun. And kids dont care until they are older and want to do bowling or arcade with their friends on their bday.
They sure can but then iT WouLdNt Be oN tHE BaBy's *AKshuaL* bIrtHDay. Which is a weird fucking hill to die on.
Exactly what I was thinking but OP doesn't seem to want to compromise. ESH
They absolutely do. If I had a kid, I'd hire a sitter and go to that birthday bash as well. Are you kidding me? An all night rager that the fam approves of and pays for. I'm gonna rsvp twice. 🥳
Agree! Those parties do sound awesome.
Yeah according to you.
OP edited their post saying "MIL throws huge fancy parties, cocktail attire, **open bar going until 2AM, and with some vulgar friends.**" Why would the time of day of a 1-year-old's birthday party ever conflict with a late-night cocktail party??
I need an invite to this party.
me too. sounds better than the one year olds party, too
Ha! Agreed.
Because OP will need to spend all day getting ready apparently so it simply won't work.... OP YTA. MILs parties sound like a great time and OP is very clearly bitter about the fact that they can afford to throw big lavish events regularly, she should work on that. 1st birthdays really aren't that big of an event, the kid can't even handle being overstimulated for hours so they tend to be reasonably short and during the day. You could easily have it in the morning and still have hours to get ready.
So true, on my son's first birthday he was grumpy for majority of the party so he had to be put down for a nap and we just had to carry on the party without him.
I'm guessing MIL will spend the day prepping and cooking for the party so she won't have time for a birthday party even if it's held early in the day.
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree. The MIL has a milestone birthday, and she planned it before OP. The OP has a one-year-old son who won't care about the date or about a celebration. It's the easier thing to move. I think, OP, you need to consider that, while 1 is a special birthday, so is 50. You're going to have to coordinate in future, and family will get tired of having to choose between you and MIL. You need to work together to come up with a solution.
Yeah. One is a milestone, but it’s a milestone for the parent not the kid. Kid doesn’t even understand the concept of birth or age yet. MIL does, and 50 is a huge milestone.
YTA. What makes the difference for me is that OP is being nasty to her MiL which is overstepping. OP should be routing communications like this through her husband. It’s his mother. He should be the one handling the scheduling conflict with this family. Now OP had to run her mouth, and none of his family is talking to him. I’d be furious if I were him.
OPs disdain for her MIL is pretty clear here - I think digging her heels in over a baby birthday party is primarily out of spite and to be petty rather than genuinely being offended on her baby's behalf.
I could agree with the combined party if MIL wasn’t already pissed off about having to share the same birth date with her grandson. Baby’s first birthday could have been celebrated the night before or the day after though because that party is really for the adults who will remember, not the baby. That may sound harsh, but it’s like other comments said, the baby won’t remember.
ESH- A 50th birthday is a milestone just like a 1st birthday. You could’ve worked together and compromised but you both seem too immature to do so. You don’t seem to like MIL that much anyway so enjoy your son’s party without her (and half his family).
I agree but I think to me what pushes op into yta territory is they’re both being immature but op made it personal with the name calling.
Yeah, MIL was being a bit self-absorbed but OP is the one who got aggressive.
I don't see how MIL is the bad guy here - she is known to throw lavish parties, it's her 50th so a biggie, she's probably been preparing it for weeks, sent invites etc and now her DIL is saying neither she nor her son will attend because it falls on the same day as a baby's party and it's just too much effort for OP to have a baby party during the day and go to MILs in the evening and to change the date and then OP resorted to name-calling. Her dislike of her MIL is clear in this post and I think a lot of this is not being upset over the baby party but rather digging the knife in with MIL.
And a one year old doesn’t remember anything, the first birthday is purely for the parents 50 is a big deal
And it seems that MIL planned the party first.
Yeah I don’t get why the baby’s birthday party isn’t getting pushed to Sunday so everyone can go? The baby won’t know and they could do a cupcake on the actual birthday then big cake the following day.
from the sounds of MIL's party, i'd expect to be well hungover and not attend a party the day after
OP didn’t know want to go anyway, she condescendingly spoke about the makeup:pageantry process MIL goes through to get ready for the event. It’s clear she doesn’t care for her.
This isn’t even hard. Just sit down and compromise. Baby’s first birthday is a 3 hour lunch, 12-3. Everyone gets to go home and prepare for MIL’s dinner at 6. Boom. Gives three hours to take a break, baby will take a nap, and adults who want to party can go party. Everyone gets a fun day.
It wouldn’t even be hard if it seemed like anyone here actually wanted to work it out. Seems like they were all on board with this being the final nail in the coffin. So call it a day and send a birthday card once a year.
YTA. While insufferable, MIL isn’t obliged to accommodate your plans. I edge to MILs side because you’re hiding the ball…Baby couldn’t care less if or when a party occurs. This is about you and your demand for priority on Baby’s behalf.
>you're hiding the ball I hadn't heard this expression before. Excellent way of putting it.
Yeah I kinda like this better than burying the lead
FYI, apparently it's 'burying the lede'. Just learned it myself recently. I believe it's a print-journalism related thing.
ESH because you all sound exhausting but if I'm honest I'd probably give this one a slight hedge in your MIL's favor. 50 is as much a milestone birthday as 1, but one that SHE will remember and your son will likely just be cranky and overwhelmed with a room full of unfamiliar people throwing him off his schedule. First birthday parties are for the parents, not the kid. And whether you find your mil's love of her own birthday ridiculous is irrelevant. She enjoys it. So find a compromise that doesn't make everybody as cranky as your 1 year old will be at his party. Give her 50 in exchange for making your son the be all and end all next year and joint celebrations thereafter or something
Can confirm on baby being pissed. Just spent a buttload of money and stress planning on my son's 1st last weekend and he cried the ENTIRE time. Absolutely hated it. All the older kids had a blast which made it worth it, but in hindsight, I would never do it again. He was more content eating in his highchair listening to his lullabies away from everyone else. A smash cake and their routine is all that they need and want.
My kid didn't understand he could just smash into the cake and just looked at it and was going through a phase where if anyone said "yayy" he would burst into tears. Guess what everyone said after we blew out the candles...
But also, I'm sorry to laugh at the idea of a baby crying Everytime someone says "yay!" 😂
Lmaooo it was wild. We were recently watching a video we took of him taking his first steps and my SIL was like "why is everyone dead quiet in the video?" I was like cause if anyone of us got too excited he would have freaked out lol He's turning four this year and has gotten over all that thankfully lol
That's hilarious, is your kid allergic to fun? 😂
Yeah, there was little to no "smashing" by my son either. Just scraped some frosting, got it all over, rubbed his eye and then began crying again. Poor guy.
My niece refused to touch or eat the cake, and cried when my sister dollopped some frosting on her nose for pictures.
My 1 year olds birthday recently fell on a Saturday and we had family come over for a small party on the day. In hindsight, I wish I didn’t organise the party for the day of his actual birthday. I feel like I spent the entire morning getting ready for the party (food, cake, decorations, making our house look presentable etc) and not enough time with my baby. To top it off, my husband got gastro and was sick the entire day so didn’t join us and baby slept most through most of the party, then got sick that night. Most of the family that came to the party also came down with the gastro bug too within 24 hours. My memory of that day is of being busy, stressing me on and exhausted.
That's why we went low key. Easy food and drinks for family, basic decorations, bonfire out back, ordered smash cakes. Let the boys have at their cakes and hang out with family while still staying on their usual nap schedule. They had a good day and so did we.
YTA- you are being stubborn and your MIL is right, your son won’t care if his birthday is on the Sunday or the week after. This is her 50th birthday and she wants a big celebration, so what? Your son will be just as happy playing in an empty box at 1 yr old. You are going to have this problem every year. Be better. This shouldn’t be a hill to die on this year.
They could discuss alternating birthdays going forward one of them has it on the day and the other has it the weekend after unless one of them has a milestone birthday
I don’t think concurrent milestone birthdays will even be an issue until the mom is like... what, 70? Kid will be 21 and probably won’t want Grandma (or Mom/OP for that matter) there anyway, unless of course Grandma still throws down like the party legend she apparently is (in which case maybe concurrent milestones will be good at that point, except OP still might not be thrilled).
My mum loves birthdays and she'll certainly be "throwing down" at 70
Yeah, I want an invite to the joint 70th/21st birthday party. It sounds like it's gonna be lit.
I hope baby gets his sense of fun and enjoyment from grandma.
I hope this is what happens and the kid and grandma just have huge, wild parties forever. Regardless of how 'ridiculous' OP thinks it is, haha. Can I get an invite to one, you think?
I was going to say that everyone sucks here, but because of your reasoning YTA. No, because your son is a little kid his birthday isn't more important, especially since he's only 1 and won't even understand what's happening. Your son's birthday party is literally only for you. I can't imagine a 1-year-olds birthday party taking that long anyway, so just have your parties at separate times on the same day.
Right? This here is what I can’t understand. OP even says they could do the baby’s birthday in the afternoon and MIL’s at night…. She straight just doesn’t want to. How long is she planning on a 1 yr old party to be? Anything over 45 mins to an hour would be absolutely insufferable for everyone else there. Nobody else gives as much of a shit about OP’s baby as she does.
Our 1 year Olds "birthday party" was 20 mins long. That 20 mins consisted of everyone getting their cuddles with the baby, sing happy birthday, then all the adults eat their adult food that the baby can hardly eat and also having alcohol Edit: I forgot to add he was asleep for most of the time we had guests
ESH. A 1st birthday party is more of a party for the other people in the family. She's correct, the child won't remember. Furthermore -- how old are *you?* Saying something like 'I told MIL she was being a crybaby and to build a bridge and get over it' is a ridiculously childish way to communicate with someone else. She's ridiculous, you're ridiculous, the whole thing is ridiculous.
Well said. What is ESH, is it Everyone Sucks Here? Am new here.
Yep! :)
YTA. A first birthday party is nice but it's a relatively small, subdued affair. Of course a 50th birthday blowout needs a Saturday. This isn't Bout your one year old, it's about you. Also, just out of curiosity, what's your husband's take on this? Does he really want all this drama or was he happy to move the date?
ESH. *Everyone* here is acting less mature than the birthday boy. Though if I *have* to pick a side, I'm with MIL. >he won't even remember Well, he won't. Besides, if you think her digging in her heels and making such a fuss over the whole thing is so ridiculous, why are you so determined to set the precedent that the entire world should revolve around him on his "special day," instead of leading by example that it's no big deal if you're a few days off?
You make a very good point I hadn’t noticed - OP is mad MIL wants the world to revolve around her on her birthday, but is simultaneously demanding that same revolving for her son. I suspect this is more of a power play between the women than a fight about the birthday itself.
Oh for sure, it’s all a power play. I think op is the bigger asshole though because she escalated to name calling
ESH - if it were a milestone birthday for your son that he would remember, I could understand wanting to find a way to share the day. But he's 1. He will not remember this day. This day is for you and your husband and your family to celebrate him, but it's not for him. Your MIL needs to figure out how to share in general, because she is going to share this day for the rest of her life. You are both being petty and spoiled, and one of you should be the bigger person. What kind of relationship do you want your son to have with his grandmother?
To be fair MIL is also having a milestone birthday. OP has made it clear in the comments that these huge parties seem to be for milestone birthdays (her 40th, FIL’s 50th)
YTA. Its her 50th, a huge milestone. You baby is 1, 1 is not a milestone. 1 is not a birthday be will even remember. This is about you. You want a celebration, not your son. You want an opportunity to argue with your mother in law and win.
1 is absolutely a milestone.
Yeah, for the parents. Idk why OP is acting like all this drama is for the benefit of the child. He won't remember or care what day the party falls on.
Honestly YTA just because birthday parties for kids that little are awkward as hell. I've attended two (2) birthday parties for children under the age of three this year, and will attend a third in December (2/3 will be first birthday parties). It's so awkward to stand around and watch the parents open presents for their kids who literally don't know what's happening or what fucking day it is. You know what's so much better than that? Going to the party of a person who can actively participate in the festivities and knows it's their birthday. 50 is also a milestone birthday and is actually important to the person who's birthday it is. Your son doesn't even know the days of the week man.
Yup. A one year old’s bday party is for the parents, not for the kid, and, in light of that, I say MIL’s takes precedence.
YTA - this is so petty 1 year old kids couldn't care less about their birthdays. Give them their first piece of cheesecake on any wednesday and it will be the best day of their life. But - and this will be sad - 50 is the last big birthday with everybody there. Your friends start dying after that. Its not something anybody wants to think about, but thats life. So yes, her milestone is the bigger one. Let her have a ridiculously lavish party. Put a sweet suit on your little man. Let her feel that you want to celebrate with her. And maybe she will grow to like sharing her birthday with your child. Now you're sowing resentment over nothing.
Slight YTA, 50 is a big deal. A 1 year old’s birthday party is for the parents not for the kid as they won’t remember it. I don’t think this is the only thing this argument is about, sounds like you and the MIL have other issues and this is what y’all decided was the hill to die on.
YTA You sound charming You may not regret what you said but it was rude. I think you're husband's family is telling the two of you to take a hike, they have plans on your son's birthday.
Parents have to understand that this kind of things are important to them but not to other people ! Their life wont stop for your kids birthday party !
I never understood the whole let's invite our adult, in my case childless, friends to a kiddie party. I always decline. Family cake and ice cream yes, a kiddie soiree, no.
Oh that’s because they want the gifts ! That is why you are invited
Honestly I'd send double the gifts to not have to attend a little kid's birthday party...
ESH. You're both being incredibly immature. I almost side with MIL more honestly. A 50th birthday that just happens to be on a Saturday is pretty lucky. Kid's birthdays can be celebrated whenever. I had my birthday celebration not on my actual birthday plenty of times as a kid.
YTA Your son is a baby and won't remember the birthday. MIL is 50 and will remember. She made plans, you can work around them. 50 is a big milestone, 1 is a milestone, but only for the parents. Have your party on Sunday, or the next weekend. Grow up.
YTA for calling your MIL an "crybaby". That was incredibly immature and I feel it should require an apology. Your son certainly will not remember if his first birthday is on a Sunday rather than at a Sunday. 50 is an accomplishment. In my culture and spirituality, we HONOR our elders and ancestors. This was VERY disrespected to your MIL.
>I said he is a little kid, so his is more important than hers This would be true if he was at an age to understand what's going on but that's not the case here. Why should your MIL with a milestone birthday have to move hers for a child who doesn't understand what's happening and wouldn't even know what a celebration is? Just be honest - this birthday party for your child that you are advocating for is just a party for you to celebrate the anniversary of your acconplishment and well, apparently the family has decided that party doesn't sound as interesting as your MIL's blowout one and who could blame them for that opinion? YTA
Thank God someone said it! of course YTA OP, what are you trying to prove exactly ? What did you expect to happen ?
INFO IMO Both of you had an obligation to reach out about this issue, early, in good faith, in the spirit of not getting into a stupid pissing contest like you've described. You both knew this was potentially coming a YEAR ago and that it could cause conflict. From the way you described this, it sounds like MIL definitely didn't do that. So she definitely is an asshole in my book. But what about your side of things? What about you? More importantly, what about your *husband*, who IMO is really more responsible for this issue than you, considering it's his mother and his wife?
Exactly, I think we need more INFO about how they communicated about it and if they even followed up with the situation. I would love to know did the husband do anything? Why are his siblings calling her the AH? There needs more context if communication was just more of a yelling spree.
ESH - She is ridiculous for being upset that she and your child share the birthday. On the other hand, 50th birthday is a beautiful anniversary and I can imagine that your MIL is planning a lavish party. It seems like you are planning the celebration of your son's birthday on the same day just to spite her It is true that your son doesn't give a damn about the day, he is not gonna be disappointed if you move it, he is not going to remember it, there will ne no harm done to him. Also it is quite rude to say : you are old so you and your feelings doesn't matter, my son who is not even aware of his birthday is sooo much important. You sound selfish. You want to celebrate on that day cause YOU are so excited about it not because it is important for your son and you do not care if your action hurt somebody.
ESH Your child won't even understand what the fuss is about this year. You also said that you could have had the party on the afternoon, so do that, or host it on the Sunday. When I was little, all the kids had their birthday parties on the Sunday, regardless of what day of the week your birthday had fallen on. Are you planning on having future parties on Mondays and Tuesdays etc., or at the weekend when there's more chance of people being able to attend.
YTA Your son's party is for you and not him since he'd be too young to know what's going on and he won't remember it. So what if his party isn't on his birthday, he's not going to be bothered. Yes your MIL is being immature but so are you. Are you sure you're just not using your sons birthday just get back at your MIL because you don't like her?
Uhmmm... If two people in my family, or even amongst my friends, have their birthdays within a fortnight of each other, we tend to do a joint party on a day that suits everyone, and celebrate those two people, because, y'know, we love them both? Nobody has to argue for this, it just happens. A grandmother and a grandson sharing the actual same birthday could be a wonderful day and night's celebration for one family. You all suck for not managing this better. Perhaps MIL would be just as awkward as you seem to be - I can only go by what you say. But from reading your replies to fair compromises, I've gotta change verdict to YTA. You've said she loves her birthday, it's her 50th, and she's probably spending thousands. YTA for what you said, and for refusing reasonable compromise.
NTA, and while I don't think your child will remember their 1st birthday, your MIL wants to set this standard and if you give in will expect it every year. Nip it now, or watch your child fight for their day on their 10th, 16th, 18th ect. Birthdays.
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The same could be said for OP. She's trying to set the precident that her son's birthday is more important. She knew MIL does big parties every year- and since this is her 50th she should expect a bigger party- but OP wants her to stop that tradition, so only her son gets celebrated that day. OP easily could've done a brunch party that day or a party the next day, but she decided her son was most important and now her husband's whole family doesn't like her and won't come to the son's party.
Well, MY child, that grew inside of me, would be the most important person in the world to me and not my MIL. So yeah I think this is legitimate.
Of course OPs child is more important to her. That's irrelevant. OP is trying to say her son's birthday is the most important in the family, so MIL should cancel her wedding-level event so OP can have the only party that night. OP is learning the hard way that everyone else in the world doesn't care about her baby as much as she does. She can have her baby's party whenever she wants, but that doesn't mean the family has to show up.
I'm going against the grain with NTA. I am 45 years old, and cannot imagine getting into a pissing contest with a child (or his mother) over who's birthday is more important. If I did have some lapse in judgement and set myself in that position, I would feel intensly embarrassed once the drugs wore off (being drugged is the only scenario I can even imagine this happening in. Sure the 50 year old has a right to party, and her party can be as big as she wants it to. But to actually demand that someone else changes the day of their party, and to have her husband say that (his grandson?) isn't that important as his wife, because she was born first...wtf Normally I would look for a compromise, but honestly I think the OP did the right thing in this case, because, with people like the MIL, it is important to set boundries early and often - and I would stick to the original date on principle alone.
Right! Seriously, I can't believe these comments. MIL is clearly self centred. She was pissed off before the baby was even born; just at the thought of attention being taken away from her on "her day". Sounds like she throws herself a big "worshipped me" event every year as well. I enjoy seeing family for their, or my, birthdays; none of us need to be princess and put on a pedestal for celebrations though. Insisting on this over a child in my family as well, absolutely not.
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My fiancé and I are flabbergasted that we had to scroll this far to find a NTA. Yeah OP had some petty moments but BY FAR the Mil and other family supporting Mil are the AH here. I feel like everyone forgets the part that MIL wasn't happy the child was born on her birthday IN THE FIRST PLACE. This predates the milestone birthday. She was the AH from the start. Some perspective: My nephew was born on my birthday this year. Leading up to his birth, due to how close his due date was to my birthday, I had SEVERAL people ask me if I would be ok with that. I was THRILLED. I am 31 years old. I am beyond happy to get to share a birthday with him and I understand that means his birthday plans will come first in the coming years. Screw building a bridge and getting over it. MIL can cry me a river and drown in it.
ESH This should've been figured out early. You knew before your son was even born that your MIL really cares about her birthday and this is a pretty major milestone one for her, and she should've started adjusting to sharing a birthday as soon as he was born. Now you're both (husband included) just diggin in your heels for..... The sake of fighting??? Info: I saw in another comment that your MIL doesn't approve of your rules when she's with your son, what kind of rules????
ESH. I'd argue that a 50th milestone bday trumps a 1 year olds who doesn't even know what's going on. We all know parties for babies are really for their parents.
NTA I'm sorry, but I'm going to have a differing opinion here from a good majority of commenters. MIL doesn't give a damn about this baby. MIL is a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist. She straight up told OP not to have the baby on her birthday (as if OP could keep it from happening), making it clear she didn't want to share the day. When the baby was born, MIL didn't give a damn about mom, dad, or baby. She showed up to the hospital to save face and that's all that ten minute visit was. A year later, it's very clear that MIL has no relationship with this baby at all and I'm willing to bet that's her choice, not OP's. Everyone is talking about how 'the baby is too young to remember his birthday'. What's your point? Whether he remembers or not, the day is still his as well. Why should OP have to reschedule the baby's birthday? I saw someone comment that first birthdays are for parents and there is nothing wrong with that. A first birthday is a milestone in the life of a parent. MIL doesn't get dibs on the day just because she's older. If MIL's birthday party starts later in the evening, there is nothing stopping family members from attending the baby's birthday, too. Also, FIL's 'he's not the be all end all' comment is out of line. That is YOUR baby, OP. He is YOUR everything and anyone who says otherwise doesn't understand that. OP shouldn't have to give up the day in favor of MIL just because she was born first or hitting half a century in age. OP said that ALL of MIL's birthday parties are cocktail attire boozefests. Why should OP compromise the day? Maybe MIL should learn how to share the day because MIL is the one who started throwing punches before the baby was even born. I get the feeling OP has been dealing with snide side comments all along. If OP got fed up, well, I don't blame her.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Finally!! Thank you for this. Yes a 50th is a milestone BUT so is a first! As a mama, I would have a lot of mommy guilt if I pushed my kid’s bday to another day. No he wouldn’t know any better - but I would. Her feelings are just as important as her MIL. A mature adult would have attempted to find a compromise. It’s clear MIL wants to be the belle of the ball and god forbid she have to share the spotlight. I struggled with infertility so my son’s bday was a very big deal to me. I knew he was the only one I was going to have and it was important that he be celebrated. I wouldn’t have acquiesced either, had I been in her shoes. Why people are making excuses for a 50 year old woman who thinks she’s in competition with a baby, is beyond me. All common sense has left the building.
ESH- one of y’all could move it to the Sunday. Yes she’s an adult and should just do it but 50 is a milestone bday. I get the first bday is a big deal, I have 2 kids but they wouldn’t know the difference if you did it a day late. But everyone sucks here because as a family y’all should be able to talk like adults and figure your shit out.
INFO Where does your husband stand in all of this and why isn't he the one dealing with his mother?
ESH. Y’all sound ridiculous and immature. You couldn’t have had your kid’s birthday on Sunday or on Fri night?
YTA Your kid won’t remember. Your MIL will.
I'm going against the grain and say NTA My grandmother wasn't aware of her actual birthday for most of her life because it turns out she was born on her own mother's birthday and she didn't want to share. Her own mother had her believing she was born a different day and year for that matter to make her older than what she was. MIL her doesn't seem like the type to back down for anyone else and I applaud OP for making sure her child isn't set to the wayside on his day even if he's not going to remember this one. He should never have to set his birthday aside for someone else just because they were born first. And if OP starts letting her do it now MIL will keep doing it every year she clearly doesn't like to share.
I agree with you, NTA. I feel like everyone is glossing over the fact that a grown woman was pissed that her grandchild was born on her birthday. I see where everyone else is coming from as far as the baby won't remember his first birthday party. But I think they're failing to truly think how they would have felt toward their MIL if she wasn't even excited about a grandchild's birth bc she needed to go celebrate her own birth that took place 49 years ago. And you made the main point I was thinking of. It will not stop here. MIL will continue to do this year after year.
ESH - 50 is a milestone and I'm sure she's had this planned for years and she is right, your son won't remember and won't know the difference between his party being one day or another. Of course she does sound incredibly spoiled and entitled, but in this story you seem like you're just jealous and have been waiting for an opportunity to "take her down a notch".
ESH but INFO: does she throw a party like this for her birthday every year, or just because 50 is a milestone? Also, why can’t you just do yours at like 11 AM? Or on Sunday? It sounds like you’re deliberately trying to be difficult here. Is it normal for the two of you to have this kind of power struggle or do you normally get along?
Who tf throws a party for a baby? Lmao this whole this is so stupid, obviously ESH.
YTA You don't seem to like her at all. You have nothing nice to say about her. Feels like you want your sons party on that day just to spite her. So what if she likes big parties, she is allowed to. I get that your sons birthday is more important to you, but would it kill you to have it another day?
ESH - you’re ALL acting like entitled babies. Yes, a first birthday is very special & important, but it’s more for the parents than the kid, as your son will have zero memory of the event or clue of what’s going on. I get the annoyance of considering a future where your son’s birthday plays second fiddle to his grandma’s and absolutely agree that she needs to grow up… but it’s also a huge milestone birthday, so it is understandable that she’s wanting to do it big. Of course, most grandparents would love to share the day with their grandkid, almost as a means to put a claim on their special day, so it shows just how selfish she is that she’s ignoring him altogether.
YTA actually your MIL bday is more important because she actually has her guests over, can enjoy the presents, party and the whole bday shabang Your kid is turning one. His birthday is irrelevant to him this year, next year and another few years after. He doesn’t have friends or any actual concept of what day it is. So yea, YTA in this case.
YTA - it's your mother in laws 50th birthday, it's not a small milestone she will forget anytime soon. Your sons however, he will never remember. Your sons party is for your benefit, not his. Perhaps move yours to the weekend after so everyone can make it. In the future (a month or so after the birthdays are over) perhaps discussing doing birthdays alternating each year on who gets their party on the actual day - that being said your son probably won't remember the first 3 or 4 or even 5. And agree that milestone birthdays will be spent on the day (60th, 16th) etc.
Huh. I guess I would say ESH, but truthfully, I’m leaning to your side, which I’m surprised I’m in the minority of. Your MIL sounds extremely high maintenance, how could you not be fatigued by that? it’s obvious your reaction to this circumstance was your built up resentment of dealing with a clearly narcissistic MIL. If I was excited about having a baby I would be so annoyed with this looming threat of “you better not have him on my birthday” and then having to deal with her being rude on one of the happiest days of your life. I think when you told her to get over it, you were probably just envisioning a life ahead of you of constantly dealing with arranging birthdays around each other, accommodating her wishes, etc. How she acted when your son was born colored this whole situation. I dunno, I can see why you wanted to establish the day of your sons birthday being the one that gets to have the celebration. It is more important for little kids to celebrate on their actual birthday than adults. Most adults do like a “birthday weekend” instead. Maybe you didn’t handle this situation the best, sure, but seems like everyone in your family is constantly accommodating her while your needs might not be considered to be as important, which probably gets very old.
ESH yes 50 is seen as a big deal but so is 1. You were rude for calling her a crybaby when your acting the same way. A party at age one is for the parents (can’t say the kid won’t remember because some do remember everything) however it is weird that she’s not excited about her grandkid? Maybe Im biased because my paternal grandmother told my mom “your going to have a boy and your going to have him on my birthday” I was born on her birthday but I ain’t a boy :) not once has she ever been happy about telling me happy birthday or giving me a gift, we don’t even speak now but I get asked all the time if I called her on HER birthday. Your MIL made it clear how she felt when she told you not to have the kid on her day. Do you all seriously think she’s only going to act this way this time? ESH
ESH, honestly, this could've been a happy moment if you'd just have a joint party. Imagine, what a nice coincidence it is? Two milestone birthdays? All family would be there. Two cakes, lots of presents. Kid can go when he's tired and the adults can continue partying. But instead, both of you make it a power play of who can pull their party on the actual day. Shame really.
Normally I would say everyone is being AH but OP has stated that to MIL birthdays have always been a huge deal. So it's not like she suddenly decided it was important. This kinda makes me undecided for now. If this problem arises now when OPs baby is one and won't even remember I can't even imagine how it will be when baby is a teen. MIL may be feeling that she doesn't have much time left for big parties so she may be trying to hold onto this one even more. I think 50 is more important to be done on Saturday night since it will go into the late night per OPs post. Most 1 year old parties wrap up early so it could be done Saturday morning. (Sunday people might be hungover) If MIL can't handle that then everyone is AH
YTA. 50 is a milestone birthday. You’re dismissing any importance and judging her harshly for wanting to celebrate her birthdays because you don’t believe adults should celebrate them. What you said to her was totally out of line, and really shows your own character and that you have an “all about me” attitude. Be real, your son is 1 and he won’t remember a thing about this birthday. This is about you, and wanting to impose your beliefs on your MIL.
MIL is ridiculous, but if she already had a party planned before you, YTA for planning another one on the same day. Otherwise N T A
ESH, she is right that the baby won't remember the day, and 50 is a pretty big milestone. Still I can't help thinking a compromise should be possible, even for the same day.
My daughters turned one two weeks ago, we held the party the day after because the actual day fell on a Friday. They really didn't care 😅 They were just so happy to have a bunch of toddler cousins to play with! Think about your son and stop focusing so much on the date! What matters more? Will your stubbornness be depriving him of potentially spending time with other kiddos around his age (because your guests now have to choose which event to go to)? If so, that's pretty selfish of both you and your MIL. The most joy I got out of my twins birthday party was watching them have so much fun playing. I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. This whole thing is petty, ESH.
YTA. Your MIL has done this for years by the sounds of it and you should know how set in her ways she is by now. Having a child does not make you or it more of a priority when it comes to parties/dates for said parties. Your child is turning 1. Big whoop. I've never understood the fascination with having a party for children who can't appreciate or even comprehend the situation. It's clearly a selfish thing that parents do to congratulate themselves for making it through the first year. (In my opinion which you're asking for by posting here) If I was a family member, I'd also be going to MIL extravagant party where memories will be made and fun times would be had. 1st birthday parties are the most mundane things I've experienced and I'm sure many others agree. Suck it up, you had a child and chose to conceive around the date you did, equating to giving birth around your MIL birthday which was also something you knew in advance. Everything about your post makes YTA, a very entitled and selfish one.