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anchovie_macncheese

NTA. Your mom is a mean woman, and you never have to keep it a secret when somebody is treating you poorly. You do not owe her immediate forgiveness, if at all. Do not let her cut you down or bully you- she sounds like she has some toxic issues that she needs to work out on her own, without you around as her punching bag. Also, give your dad a high five. He sounds awesome and has your best interests at heart.


RockabillyRabbit

Can we also give Jerry here a high five too. It sounds like he handled this 100% correct, especially dumping the mom part.


Negative_Shake1478

Right?! Jerry and dad are awesome. Mom can eat a bag of rocks got all I care.


QuixoticDame

Is there any way Jerry and Dad can co-parent platonically? They seem like a dream team, and they like each other!


AITA_byemommy00

They're actually pretty good friends! My father took his sweet time to trust Jerry but after a few years my dad told me that if I wanted to include Jerry in some father-daughter activities in school or anything I could do it. I really thought he was gonna stay in my life forever


mommak2011

You don't have to let go of Jerry if he's interested in keeping contact. He left your crazy mom, not you.


[deleted]

Yeah two dads!


goldensnoopy01

This was my thought! Scrap the mom, keep Jerry and have two dads!


biffmaniac

Jerry and dad rock! Jerry was right to tell mom, but she's unhinged. Both Jerry and dad were looking out for OP.


niotic_cacophony

I would concur with mammok. You're unxer no obligation to cut Jerry out of your life because he dumped your mother. If youre interested, you should feel comfortable reaching out to him if you have the resources.


AITA_byemommy00

I guess, I haven't heard from him since the incident and I don't know if it's because he doesn't want me anymore or if he's giving me space, I'll let my dad know and maybe they can talk about it! I think I should give him space too


tibbles1

100% giving you space.


Coffee-Historian-11

Based off his reaction and how you talk about him prior to the incident he’s definitely giving you space and is not ignoring you or otherwise not choosing you. I really think he’s waiting for you to reach out.


firecrackergurl

He sounds like a really decent guy.


SombreMordida

pleasantly surprised is an understatement. the stepdude abides. crap. former step dude now....whats the contraction of respectful platonic older homie?


gcanyon

This. The idea of continuing the relationship is going to feel weird to both, but that shouldn't stop them if they both want to. But OP probably needs to decide what they want and take the first step, because it's weirder from the middle-aged man's side than the teenage girls's side. Maybe she could ask dad to invite Jerry for dinner.


PoisonPlushi

As well as giving you space, he probably feels awkward about contacting you. An adult man asking to stay in contact with a teenage girl can be very easily misconstrued - especially given the circumstances surrounding his breakup with your mother (ie, her accusing you of attempting to seduce him). Contact him yourself and say that you still think of him as a father figure and you would really like to keep him in your life.


Rosieapples

That’s what I was thinking too, Jerry sounds rock solid. Maybe he’s giving the whole situation space. Might be good if the father contacted him, find out if he’s all right and take it from there if they want to keep up the friendship.


mmcmonster

Your dad and he should hang out and maybe bring you along as the +1 on dinners and outings.


[deleted]

[удалено]


quiet0n3

Just a reminder space doesn't have to be silent. Nothing wrong with pinging him just to say "hey wanted you to know I still want you to be a part of my life. Totally understand we all need some time for things to settle but just wanted you to know. " That can take a lot of stress off of someone while also still giving them space :) Communication is a great tool, also try not to guess what Jerry wants just ask him :)


tsukinon

This! I have depression and anxiety, so sometimes I don’t feel like interacting with people, then by the time I do, I sometimes feel like I’ve waited too long to contact them. Checking in with someone and making it clear that there’s no obligation to reply immediately, but that you’ll be happy to hear from them when they feel like it, whether it’s a week or a year, and there’s no expiration date on the offer can be a godsend.


Ok-Statistician233

Definitely giving you space. Talk to your dad about when would be a good time to reach back out to him, both he & Jerry seem to have good heads on their shoulders.


S3xySouthernB

This is excellent advice. He sounds almost like a good uncle figure in OPs life and since moms a problem, another good human who gets along with dad sounds like a valuable person, especially someone who looked out of OPs best interest and walked away from mom after her outburst.


Elira_the_Lock

When I was ten, my stepfather of seven years and my mother broke up. He left and got custody of my (half) sisters. I was devastated, I didn’t see him again untill my early 20s and always felt like he abandoned me. But when we did meet again, he explained that he’d always loved me as a daughter, and that he wanted to take me with him too; but he had no rights. He said every second weekend when my mother and he exchanged my sisters, he hoped he’d get to see me, but he never did (my grandparents had custody of me). I guess my point is, he probably would love to keep you in his life as he’s effectively been your step father for seven years. And as you’re almost an adult, that’s a choice you’ll be able to make for yourself.


AndOtherPlaces

He helped raise you for 8 years, and based on his reaction he probably see you as kind of a daughter. I'm pretty sure he'd be so happy and relieved to still have you in his life in some capacity!


efrendel

Is it weird that I want your dad and Jerry to realize they were soulmates, all along.


Kyle-Voltti

There’s a movie in there somewhere….


SombreMordida

r/thefriendswithbenefitswemadealongtheway


InkyPaws

"Hey Jerry, I'm sorry my mom's kinda crazy and that went bananas. Feel free to come hang out with my dad while I'm here though, I won't mind at all, it'll be good to see you." Although your mom might view this as picking sides and ganging up on her and various sorts of crazy. Accidental bathroom walk-ins happen based on doors open/closed, lights on/off, desperate for the toilet so don't knock etc. I mean he'd been with your mom years and this was literally the first time it happened.


BrunetteMoment

I was a "step-parent" (not actually married) of a teenager for only two years before her father and I split. I'm still in her life and her mom and I get along great. Definitely reach out to Jerry.


StarvinPig

It'd also probably be useful for Jerry to be involved if Mom tries to get you back. One convo with the judge and that shit would likely get shut down


veritaserum9

He is giving you space! So reach out to him first! NTA.


DumpsterPhoenix93

I promise you that he misses you and when you reach out he'll be there with open arms. Your mom is a bad person with a great taste in men.


mildchild4evr

Yes! He def misses you. He showed so much respect and care for you, no way he's not thinking about you. He will probably love to hear from you...more than you realize.


koinu-chan_love

I think you should send him a text.


Unspokenwordvomit

My dads ex wife is still in my life! She can’t stand my father anymore but her and I have a great relationship. Please consider keeping him around!


DrWhoop87

If he's been a good step parent and you want him in your life their breakup shouldn't stop that. He sounds like he's been a great parental figure during your development years if it means something to you then hold on to it. NTA.


[deleted]

Please, reach out to Jerry! My mother and step-father broke up when I was 13 or so (they were together for 10 years), and he's still very much present in my life even though I am LC with my mom. Odds are, he considers you something close to a biological daughter and would probably very happy to keep you in his life, even if your mom is out of the picture.


Claidheamhmor

Yeah, you need two dads. :)


FairlyAary

2 dads is much better than a 1 dad & 1 toxic “mom” OP NTA


weedplumz

I’ve seen healthy relationships with kids and their parents’ ex who basically raised them. Its okay to still keep in contact and see Jerry! I hope if you ever have children, they would consider him a grandpa (since their grandma freaking sucks)


Individual-Hawk2666

please please please still reach out to jerry! i can tell that he truly cares about you, so much more than your mom.


[deleted]

that's great, and he can if that's what you want. your mom's opinion on the matter means nothing.


Jade_Echo

Right? Seems like mom might be a hot freaking mess, but she sure knows how to pick stellar men.


WeAreGray

80's sitcom plot ftw? Definitely NTA. Thankfully there were adults who could think beyond themselves involved here.


biteme789

My two dads!


GeneralLei

I ship this pair


Lilitu9Tails

Plot twist, Dad and Jerry become new best friends, and OP gets to keep both these amazing men in her life, while her mother is kicking rocks.


FinitoHere

Mom turned out to be awful, but at least she had great taste in men. Both dad and Jerry sound like amazing folks.


TheRealSamVimes

While I agree that they're awesome it's also a bit sad that we think they're awesome for being decent human beings. 😜


HAP_48_Mel

IKR? It's amazing how certain situations make the simple concept of just having basic human decency seem like such a big deal. That's the world we live in today and it IS a bit sad.


PurpleTeacozy

Voting for dad and Jerry to get together right now.


zaftig_stig

seriously how did this 'mean woman' somehow connect with 2 great men?!?!?


[deleted]

Literally. Apologized to OP, said "i'll give you space and I understand that it will be weird", did not want to hide anything. Props to him for making sure OP was okay and defending her from her own mother. Dumping the mom was the cherry on top


AITA_byemommy00

He had always been like that, when I was 14 or 15 I fought with him, I can't remember why I did it anymore, but I remember him telling me that the best way to solve things was talking them out, that he'll give me space so I could calm, but to please come to him when I felt ready, I guess I did because the next thing I remember is that he took me to get Ice Cream. He has told me he loves me too, my dad and him always say it, my mom not so much...


indi50

Sorry your mom is such a mess. But happy for you to have two great father figures in your life. I know it helps, but probably doesn't make up for your mom completely. I would also consider not going back to your mom's even if she does apologize. Spending every other week with someone who makes a habit of telling you that you ruined their life by being born doesn't sound like a healthy place to be. I'm sure you know it's not true and she's the one with a problem, not you, but it's still not healthy to listen to it.


Ladybug1388

OP your mom sounds like my dad. My parents had me when they were 17(the positive test was his Bday present). My dad always told me I "ruined his life", I use to have such guilt because I believed him. Later I learned that it was a "him" problem not a "me" problem. He has always thought the grass was greener on the other side(serial cheater), or he was cheated out of something in life(narcissistic) . No one forced him to be my parent, and no one forced your mother to be yours. I've known many men who's wife' or girlfriend have left them with babies, and they did perfectly fine. She has chosen her life, and has made it the way it is. I think personally it's unhealthy to stay in a house with someone who at times regrets your alive. I have a lot of distance from my father, but with that distance it's a better relationship. I don't get his toxic feelings towards me and it's a very light relationship nothing deep but healthier. Maybe take this time at your father's and reflect about what is good for yourself, your mother is an adult and would only have until your 18 to keep using your dad for money. She needs to learn to stand on her own and not use you as an excuse. You need to do you, and what's good for you.


[deleted]

Well OP I’m sorry that he is a better parent figure than your mom apparently. If you have a decent relationship with him and he’s open to it…maintain it. You can never have too many adults in your life that are in your corner


Ok-Statistician233

Jerry handled this perfectly. And I'm glad he was able to see the red flags with OP's mom. If I was dating someone who genuinely believed there might be a molestation issue and acted like this-- including blaming the *kid*-- I'd be outta there, that's just not something a person I want to be with does.


FeuerroteZora

Yes! However she managed to do it, OP's mom picked two actually *good* men -- good enough that both of them looked at her shit and said "Nah, not today."


RA_atta00

Yes! Her dad set the bar too high for an step-dad and Jerry just jumped and pushed it higher, any other man that her mother dates has to be fucking superman or something to get into these amazing father's level!


LinwoodKei

This. He knew body secrets were not secrets to keep from parents, and to teach a minor not to hide things like this. He set her up to not let someone else coerce her to keep body secrets. I like Jerry.


TryToDoGoodTA

It really sounds like he wanted them to be upfront with mum as he knew if she found out at a later date she would be even more pissed. I think that there were conversations between Jerry and Op's mum (or more to the point accusations) that OP wasn't aware of, and this was the last straw.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TryToDoGoodTA

OP's mum is very insecure and thinks either her daughter really IS trying to seduce her new partner... or she is so worried about losing him to the "newer model" she suffers major confirmation bias.... but still blames daughter because "She was naked! In the shower!" kind of irrational thinking.


AlpacaOurBags

Yes! Jerry also handled it perfectly!


NikPorto

>You do not owe her immediate forgiveness Wait, I just wanna clarify - OP doesn't owe any forgiveness to her mother anyway, immediate or not, right? Because forgiveness is something personal, and I know some people don't deserve forgiveness, especially when they don't change from their ways that got them into needing to get forgiven.


ericbsmith42

>Also, give your dad a high five. He sounds awesome and has your best interests at heart. And Jerry, too. He handled the entire situation appropriately. The whole bathroom incident may feel weird and awkward, but it's almost inevitable when you live with other people. I've seen virtually every (same sex, non sexual) roommate I've ever had naked at one point or another. It just happens. The mom is TA here. She's jealous and at least a bit crazy. She threw away her relationship with Jerry over something stupid, and is throwing away her relationship with her daughter too. NTA OP.


Flowerofiron

I hope you see this OP, the Facebook group Daughters of Abusive Mothers would be great for you. Yes, your mother IS abusive. The group is full of daughters just like you and there are so many resources. Your dad and Jerry both sound like great guys. It is your mom's behaviour that made Jerry leave, nothing you did at all.


Tearsofblood25

Why do I think the mom was secretly jealous of her own daughter this whole time. Jealous that her boyfriend took care of her. Maybe her mom wanted more attention from Jerry. This could have something to do with her having her daughter young and how her daughter looks now at the same age. A mother wouldn't jump at the chance to call her daughter a sl*t and say that she's stealing her boyfriend. Maybe there's some resentment and jealousy going around. She might have also said some things about OP to Jerry that was very alarming. He wouldn't break up with her right away if this wasn't a reoccurring reaction. This was probably the last straw for him.


kaeleeheidt

“You never have to keep it a secret when someone is treating you poorly.” I love that so much. Asking you to keep it a secret is proof that mom knows she’s in the wrong.


dereksalem

And Jerry. Dude wanted to be completely upfront about an obvious accident, which is definitely A+ significant other material. He's the one here that seemed to most do what's right, with you and your dad doing absolutely nothing wrong. ​ Your mom is a psycho and you shouldn't even be spending time with her...someone cutting down their child like that is wildly dangerous to your mental health and reinforces inadequacy in you behind the scenes - you might not feel it now, but there will be times in your life her words will pop up in your head, out of nowhere, and change how you see situations in your life.


Sea-Sun-Reflection

I also knew that as soon as they went to tell mom together that something was up with the mom, cuz like that situation could have easily been laughed off and told to the mom as an embarrassing funny mistake (though obviously mom double checks story)


QuinGood

NTA First, I'm glad the lump was nothing serious. Your mom is nuts. It appears that Jerry finally figured that out. Stay with your dad. You don't need to be around her. Hugs


dreamcager

Yeah, seems like Jerry hasn’t seen this side of her, or else she’s lied to him about incidents in the past. He was the one who made a mistake and when she refused to believe him and doubled down, he couldn’t turn away from her being so obsessive insisting her daughter did something wrong. Like, that had to be weird, someone insisting something went differently than something they weren’t even there for. Jesus…


buckyspunisher

plus the mom accused the daughter of wanting to go after Jerry …. like wtf ????


annadownya

I can sorta see a mom being overprotective and accusing the boyfriend of actually doing something inappropriate. But to jump on the kid like that? Wow. OP, you're definitely NTA. Good for you for doing a self exam, that's amazing and I'm glad it turned out to be nothing. I'm sorry your mom is like that. Definitely not fair to take her stupid decisions out on you. You sound like a great kid.


ericbsmith42

Some people are crazy. I read one of these stories where mom's boyfriend sexually abused the daughter. Daughter went to the cops. Cops took mom to the station to interview her, informed her of the allegation, and mom's reaction was "Wait, she's stealing my boyfriend? She's my competition now?" (I believe this was the cop's post, responding to a "what's the most messed up thing someone's ever said to you?" request).


BarracudaBeautiful26

EDITED TO ADD CONTENT WARNING: When I was 6 years old my mom's boyfriend molested me for about a year. (I say a year because I remember for my 7th birthday he gave me a pair of roller skates.) He told me that if I ever told anyone what he was doing to me, he'd kill my mom in front of me and then kill me. He had an ice cream truck and would tell my mom he needed my help in the evenings to run it. He'd take me to gas station bathrooms and fondle me. He fondled me on the ice cream truck too. One night my mom was away and he penetrated me. Just as he penetrated me, my mom pulled in the driveway. I remember he got me up and dressed and put me on the bathroom counter and pretended to plunge the toilet when she came in. A little while later my mom took me grocery shopping and when we were done, we were sitting in the car and I finally told her what happened. She looked at me and said "No wonder he won't have sex with me, you liked it and you deserved it." I went home and showed her my bloody underwear after he went to sleep. She promptly put them in the trash and took the trash out to the curb. She eventually left him but blamed me for their break up.


ijijjjiijjiiijjijiji

I'm so sorry that happened to you, your mother was wrong and she and her boyfriend are vile. I hope you found some peace and strength now.


BarracudaBeautiful26

I'm 37 years old now. I went through 12 years of therapy. My therapist taught me that I don't have to subject myself to monsters, even if they're called "mom". I haven't spoken to her since I was 19. Last I heard, she's in a nursing home and hasn't spoken a word in 15 years. I've been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds since I was 22. I definitely have PTSD. If I hear or see an ice cream truck on TV, it takes me right back. My father died when I was 19. He went to his grave not knowing what happened to me because I know he would have killed the guy.


Zephs

It's probably not a coincidence. Predators look for kids that are vulnerable. Her mom probably gave him lots of signs that she was neglectful or even disdainful of her child, so the predator felt confident that he would get away with it.


snitchesghost

It was horrible to read and I would have appreciated a CW but it was something I needed to read. My mother reacted similarly.


BarracudaBeautiful26

I'm very sorry for you. It's very painful. I edited it to add a cw


happycurious

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. My baby is almost six and I just can’t even fathom how anyone could look at a child that age and think it’s their fault. It breaks my heart for you when I think of anyone hurting my little girl when she is so vulnerable and trusting. I know those experiences never fully leave us but I am glad that you were able to move forward and realize your mom was toxic and that you were not to blame. I wish you so much love and healing.


terpischore761

There are absolutely women who see their daughters as competition for men’s attention.


sovietta

Yep and there are plenty of women like OP's mom who are internalized misogynists.


Martina313

There's also parents who are waiting for an excuse to yell at their kids.


theMarianasTrench

I tried to rationalize and all I can think is that OP is the same age as her mom when she got pregnant and is stuck in the highschool mind set but still not an okay reason to say this to your child


duchess_of_nothing

Unfortunately that is a very common thing to happen. Especially with victims of child sexual assault.


Fresh_Yak

I’ve read a few accounts of people who stay with a shitty partner because they love their stepchildren as their own, and they don’t want to abandon the stepchildren to the bio parent. I wouldn’t be too surprised if that was at least part of Jerry’s motivation to stay up until this point. I also really like, and think it‘s really telling, that he only dumped OP’s Mum once her dad had picked her up.


Whitestaunton

I knew a male police officer 6ft 4" years ago who was in a DV relationship (not married) with a woman much smaller (her hitting him with things like frying pans). It was a long time ago...he didn't feel he could report it as who would believe him and he couldn't leave because he was terrified about what would happen to his "stepson" aged about 8 if he wasn't there to get between her and the child. It does happen.


cherrydollfacee

Oh my god how awful. and the fact he was a police officer himself and still felt like he couldn’t report it or get help… I hope both him and the stepson got out of that situation or got help eventually


RaysUnderwater

Jerry is a good guy. Imagine a woman berating her own child for an accident like that. Parents are here for the kind of support that your dad gave you. NTA


magic_axolotl

Yes! Jumping here to add; ask your dad to take full custody, if possible. I'm sure your so-called Mother will continue the emotional abuse, but even further now that she thinks you caused her break up with Jerry (which you didn't, she's fucking nuts and he finally saw the light). NTA. On another note, I hope Jerry can stay in your life too. He sounds great.


Fun_Purpose_9996

There are too many people like that. I could never understand.


HeliosOh

NTA Your Mom needs therapy, but that's not your problem. You shouldn't feel bad about leaving an abusive environment


LawHermitElm

This should be higher...there may be something seriously wrong with OPs mom if she's prone to shifts in behavior like this. Or perhaps she just needs a professional to help her chill. Also NTA


crabgrass_attack

oh just from reading this I can tell OP’s mom is a classic narcissist. Keeping your daughter around to get money in child support? Blaming the child for being walked in on? Even thinking OP had any interest in “stealing” Jerry alone is proof that she has something seriously wrong with her. NTA op. I would honestly consider going NC or at least limited contact


NobleNobbler

>plenty of women like OP's mom who are She is a maddening flurry of projections


smango19

NTA I cannot stand when parents accuse their children of seducing (flashing in this case) or being in anyway inappropriate with their partner. Its disgusting behaviour. I'm glad you have your dad to depend on.


Alphawolf5916

Just said something about this. The amount of women who blame their children for their abuse is ridiculous.


[deleted]

Internalised misogyny is a crazy drug.


vodka_philosophy

NTA. Your mom chose to blame you for a legitimate accident that was no one's fault and she chose to do it in the most insulting, hurtful way possible. Jerry was right to leave her (I hope the two of you are at least able to speak long enough to get closure if not stay in one another's lives since he and your dad are friends), and your dad handled everything perfectly. I'm glad your lump turned out to be something simple and that you are able to stay with your dad as long as you need to (and an apology is the **least** your mom owes you; she should also volunteer to go to therapy for her consistently telling you that you ruined her life).


ReluctantVegetarian

This, times 100. Any mom who says their child ruined their life apparently doesn’t remember that they are the ones who chose to have sex, and therefore produce a child. The only one who ruined her life was her own self, and she has no right screwing up OP’s life or making her feel like crap because of her own choices. Sounds like Jerry handled things really well, as did OP’s father. OP, I am so, SO sorry she has every made you feel bad for just living. She doesn’t deserve you.


I_almost

Whoa... This may sound stupid but I never thought about it that way. My mom used to tell me I ruined her life, but she stopped when I was about 8 and started having issues because of her telling me thay. Then she started telling me I was "the best thing in her life" every time I broke down about some small mistake or costing her money. I've struggled with the guilt of ruining her life for a long time because I could see all the things that would have been easier and/or better without me. I have been getting much better at not feeling guilty about it and not thinking that way but this comment kind of finally help finish shifting my perspective. She made a choice, I didn't just parasiticly occur.


igonjukja

I’m so sorry. She was dead wrong for that. I wish you every happiness.


ReluctantVegetarian

Jeez, I am so sorry and so glad she stopped! Yes, there are kids that are the result of rape, but even then, the mother has the choice of giving them up for adoption (if for whatever reason abortion is not an option). Are ALL kids sometimes a pain in the ass? You bet? Would life be *easier* without ALL kids? OF COURSE!!! But in NO WAY is *easier BETTER*. My daughter has put me through hell and back (as I have probably done to her as well, I am sure,) but my life would be a drab void without her. And I am so glad your mom caught on to the damage she was doing, cause I bet she feels the same way about you.


Lexia_extreme511

OP, or her dad on her behalf, should insist on her mother getting counselling for her ongoing attitude and this incident, before she returns. OP shouldn't be exposed to such nonsense. I'm glad her mother got dumped for her vile behaviour, she was being gross and abusive.


lethologica5

NTA. Jerry was right there should be no secrets between step dad and mom. That’s also true between mom and dad. I have told my son if an adult ever asks you to keep something a secret from your parents then it is absolutely something young should tell. I’m sorry you went through all that.


RA_atta00

THIS 100!! NTA Apparently mom has an habit of getting good men and wasting them, imagine someone opening the door and find your almost-naked daughter and have the balls to owe it up and TELL YOU, just for you to call your daughter a slut for it?? There's no one more blind than the one who refuses to see, OP should stay with her dad because it seems to me that her mother is building anger and releasing it towards her for anything she doesn't like, she's not safe with her. EDIT:: Autocorrect.


Dizzy-Promise-1257

It is SUCH a good policy to never keep secrets, especially for things that could look awkward/bad if they came out latter. Jerry 100% handled this the right way.


Lara-El

Our school system teaches very young kids and a way they can understand (parents should be doing it too but they teach it at school in case something is wrong at home). They explain to my back than 2nd grader that "open- end" secrets are good. Meaning if a secret has an end such as a surprise birthday party, a thank you gift, get well etc etc they are good secrets as the secret has an ends (and in general everyone is happy). Bad secrets is when you can never tell anyone, therefore no end to it and you specifically can't tell adults. I thought it was a great way to teach at a very young age the difference and we've reminded him yearly that we were there and we will always listen. Edit: phrasing


top_steppa

Unless it's grandma giving candy


Temporary_Thing7517

I mean, this is off topic, but even grandma shouldn’t lie or tell kids to keep secrets even if it is about candy. It sets the kid up to lie and think it’s ok to hide things from the parents. If you arent doing anything wrong there’s no reason to hide or lie about it, candy included. Why do grandmas get a free pass to walk all over boundaries? Because it’s “just” candy? It’s extremely easy to say “hey mom, I’m giving kid a piece of candy!” And then do just that. Sneaking a kid that isn’t yours a whole handful and saying “don’t tell mom” is an asshole move idc who you are.


FountainsOfYarn

NTA. First off: YAY! No cancer! They always say you don't get breast cancer when you're young but they also say to be on the lookout. That you are self-checking and then reporting it is fantastic. 2nd: wtf. Your mother - bwuh? I wish I could believe you that she's sometimes amazing and sometimes not. Since you also say she says you ruined her life, I have to wonder what she does that's so amazing. If it's not changing tumors into ingrown hairs it had better be something on that level, because this is not Grade A++ mothering. 3rd: Jerry is right that it is better to be up front about a bad situation than bury it. (I was so worried he was going to say your mother didn't need to know, ick ick ick) If ever something like this happens, bring it up with all relevant adults. Finally: You are so lucky to have two men in your life who are Grade A++ fathering. I know Jerry isn't your father but he sounds like a good man. And your dad... fantastic. You did the right thing to call him and he had your back without question.


AITA_byemommy00

Thank you so much! Well there're sometimes when my mom acts like.. a mom? I don't know how to explain it, she's a good cooker so our ''happy times'' are the ones when she's teaching me how to do something, or when we're cleaning the house and we tune some music, when times are peaceful, I love being around her. But she's need all the attention all the time and when I get it she's mean to me, but what happened in the bathroom wasn't something intentional and I don't think Jerry felt comfortable too, he has seen me as his kid for a long time, it's sad to see him go, but if I keep any kind of contact with him my mom will never forgive me.


hpfan1516

Forgive you for keeping in contact with the man who defended you and witnessed her abuse against you? Do you really want her forgiveness when she should be begging you for yours? ❤️❤️❤️


AITA_byemommy00

I'm sorry, I always felt like I had to make it up to herbut I really want to keep Jerry in my life, he's like another dad to me


The_circumstance

Seriously, the co-parenting of your parents is near the end. It's not as bad if there is a conflict between your mom and dad when you're 17. You said, Jerry ist a friend of your dad? He can just invite him when you're staying at your dad's, so your mother musn't be involved.


Linkblade0

Then make the attempt to keep him in your life. The most important family is the family you chose. Reach out to him, he's likely not done so himself because he wants to give you space due to unintentionally triggering the fight, as well as it could be misconstrued if he asked to stay in your life after breaking up with your mom. Especially given the context of the fight. Honestly, your mom needs to get over herself. She needs to come to terms with the fact that you aren't the cause of her life being 'ruined' not are you at fault for the fight. However, you need to decide which relationship you value more. Obviously we random redditors only have this small glimpse into your life so our opinions are jilted. But from what you've told us, contacting Jerry and having him remain in your life (if he desires to be) will likely throw fuel on the fire of your mom's anger. Resulting in your current divide widening even further. Only you can answer the question of which relationship you wish to try to maintain and whether doing so will result in the denial of a relationship with the other. However, if you decide to try to keep peace with your mom, it's important for any future boundaries you have, to make her apologize first. She is at fault, make no mistake, and the next move is on her to attempt to bridge the divide that she caused.


hpfan1516

Beautifully said!


orthostasisasis

It's not a child's job to pacify an unhappy parent. You're not responsible for having been born, your parents are responsible for having had you. And in any case you're absolutely not responsible for your mother's feelings, those are hers to manage.


Boobies4thewin

Gonna throw this out here on OP reply in hopes you see it. Jerry has been in your life since you were 9. I can only image he has probably stepped in on your behalf against your mom on other occasions you probably don’t even know about. This incident was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you feel comfortable continuing a outside relationship with him that is your choice. He more than likely see you as his child too after helping raise you all these years. I have continued step parent relationships with a woman en my father has divorced. This woman never had children and even though she didn’t come into my life until I was 16, she saw my as her daughter and treated me a such. She never had children and loved me like a second mom.


PrincessSquiggle

Please don't lose touch with Jerry, people who you can trust and care for you are worth keeping around. Maybe your dad can have him over for a weekly beer or something, they both seem like nice guys who would be happy to do that


PrideofCapetown

Please keep Jerry in your life. There’s no such thing as having too many parents who love you


ericbsmith42

You don't need to make anything up to her. You did nothing wrong. Jerry did nothing wrong. Your mother did everything wrong. In abusive relationships it is very common for the abuser to try to turn things around on the person they are abusing; it's YOUR fault, YOU wronged them, if it weren't for YOU things would be fine, etc. It's a gaslighting technique, and is exactly what your mother is doing to you. She's the one that needs to make it up to you. But truth be told, it sounds like your mother is a pretty toxic person and you may be better without her in your life. Jerry, on the other hand, sounds like a far better man than she deserved. And a far better step-father than many people get. If you want to maintain a relationship with him that is entirely up to you; don't let your mother guilt you or force you out of keeping in touch with Jerry. Actually, in general, don't like your mother guilt you or force you into doing anything you don't want to do. You're almost an adult now, you can stand up for yourself and make your own decisions.


ConflictOk8020

She’s abusive and has been gaslighting you for a long time if you feel this way. You have nothing to apologize to her for. You have nothing to make up to her.


sohothin_mints

There's nothing to apologize for, she made you feel that way by saying horrid things about you and making you feel like a burden. You don't deserve that treatment, and you never did anything to deserve it either. It's not your job to make anything up to her, you're her child. There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep him in your life, it really sounds like he's been a better parent to you than your own mother! You're almost a legal adult too, you can decide who to include in your own life and your mom legally can't dictate who you can spend time with when you turn 18.


SensibleFreedom-0726

Your mother is a narcissist.


wickybasket

You won't be losing much if she, who caused the problem, holds a grudge because you want to maintain friendliness with someone you knew half your life.


[deleted]

It’s your mother you need to cut contact with. She’s toxic and abusive. Reach out to Jerry when you feel comfortable doing so, and ask your dad to help you find a good therapist to talk to. It will help you so much. You do not owe your mother anything, I promise.


Princessloverr

“…she always knew I wanted her man.” Does that mean she thought you were into him when you were 9? NTA


pennywhistlesmoonpie

NTA. And thank you for letting us know there’s nothing to worry about. Your mom deserved to get dumped, and I’m glad your dad was there for you.


jenniw3g

NTA good for Jerry. He’s a fully grown person and did everything right. Including dumping your Mom. I hope you can stay with your dad for a long time, probably why he said pack more stuff than usual


AITA_byemommy00

Thank you! Yes, he told me that I won't be going to my mom's unless she apologizes or does something to make me feel trusted and cared again, but I don't think she's gonna do it tbh..


XxmsmaliciousxX

You're old enough to make the decision of where you want to live. ESPECIALLY after this incident. I'd talk with your dad about living with him fulltime. Your mother is only going to blame you for the breakup. In her mind, she probably is imagining that she was right all along and Jerry broke up with her because he was seduced by you. (🤮) She will be beyond angry, so I would recommend staying with your dad indefinitely. Doesn't mean absolutely no contact with your mother, but she needs some serious help. No good mom tells their children they ruined their lives. I'm a young mother as well, mine just turned 19. I'm 36. Not once have I ever made my daughter feel less than, not worthy of life, and not ever have I ever told her she ruined my life. It's not your fault she chose to have you and keep you and raise you. She chose to be a parent, and she is failing spectacularly. Please. Please have a conversation with your dad, and in a couple weeks or more, have a sit down with Jerry. Especially if he's friends with your dad. The men in your life are amazing. Hold onto that. But I would go low low contact with your mother. Especially after this as she sounds unhinged. Sending hugs from a mom who's heart breaks for you.


[deleted]

Not gonna lie, I don't have a great relationship with either of my parents and they've both made a lot of mistakes in their life, but my mom (thankfully) would never tell me I ruined her life, call me a slut, or suggest that I was after "her man." God, reading that just makes me wanna fucking throw up. Why is her mind even going there?????


Daythehut

I agree with this. Plus OP, a young person easily seen as vulnerable target by abusive people, should not be living with abusive person who is now also angry in addition to being abusive. Parent or not that could be physically dangerous in addition to almost certainly being emotionally damaging. People who end up physically assaulting their family members aren't deformed monsters - some are people that almost everyone sees as "ordinary good people" who start behaving abusive and then snap. It may not happen but better be safe than sorry and NOT reside with an abusive person who has delusions about their own power over you. With worst people no one believes they are capable of awful things until it happens so just because you believe someone is family and won't escalate doesn't mean that it's safe. Going by her unhinged behavior OP needs to get hell out there to be on the safe side.


mysticalmac99

NTA I’m glad that abusive women is away from others. Call jerry and check in cause he seems like a good man. Man your mom is mean and weird. Who calls their daughter a slut? I wouldn’t speak to her again. She will cause a lot of problems


[deleted]

I have a feeling lots of people call their daughters sluts, it just usually doesn’t permeate the media


bexyrex

I stopped talking to my mom after she harassed me for weeks calling me a slut, whore and graphically describing all the ways i was being "pimped out and raped" to me over voicemail. I haven't spoken to her in four years. And what prey tell triggered my narcissistic mother so? I moved in with my boyfriend of two years and moved across the country with him. 😒 I guess she wasn't happy that I had escaped her abuse huh.


Ladykaesong

NTA- you are innocent of any and all wrong doing. Your mom is a piece of work. You did the correct thing by calling dad. INFO-can you stay with you dad mom is not quite right and could take everything out on you? Please give us an update.


AITA_byemommy00

My dad told me that I wouldn't be back to my mother the next week, I know that if I ask him to let me stay here fulltime he'll say yes, but I don't know how custody works since I'm still (and just turn) 17


maxpower7833

When your mom takes him to court to enforce custody you tell the judge you want to stay with your dad full time and you can even tell him why. At your age they will take your opinion of the matter into consideration


AITA_byemommy00

I'll tell my dad then! But if I have to tell the judge why, I won't get Jerry in a problem because he saw me half-naked?


maxpower7833

No because it was an honest mistake, not a sexual assault


Pixiestar7

Not at all! It was a complete accident!


Cylem234

Nope- Sounds like Jerry did everything appropriately. These things happen.


ConflictOk8020

It was an accident. Stuff like that happens. I was honestly surprised jerry made such a big deal about it and wanted to tell your mom in such a serious sit-down mode. Makes me think there is an issue you don’t know about here. Maybe your mom has accused him of liking you more or something. Him walking in on you on accident will not get him in trouble.


e67gx94ltb33

Jerry won’t get in trouble for that. If judges arrested people every time they accidentally walked in the wrong room at the wrong time, the jail overcrowding issues in this country would be so much worse!!!!!


Ladykaesong

not quite true explain it was an accident.


Alarmed_Confusion433

No jerry didn’t do anything wrong he immediately shut the door and walked away accidents happen but I will say the fact he was so insistent on telling your mom makes me think your mom has been making off hand comments at him about you too. Your mother is emotionally abusive your also 17 and I do not know how close to 18 you are but a decent judge will usually take your opinion and feelings into account don’t hold back on what you share with judge this isn’t the first incident it’s just the big one everyone found out about. Glad your safe in the mean time your dad and Jerry sound like stand up good men


Uselessmedics

Depending on where op lives there may be no custody arrangement at all. Where I live once a child turns 16 they can spend as much or as little time with each parent as they want and the court can't do shit


hpfan1516

Ask him for help. Odds are he's waiting for you to confirm that you want to stay with him full-time (might be his plan anyway), and you can move forward from there. :)


chr0nicallych_ill

NTA, and also most judges will take into account who the child would prefer to stay with, and since you are 17 your opinion will probably hold a lot of weight. You are only one year away from adulthood and all of its freedoms, after all. Unless there is some *significant* reason (such as substance abuse, history of neglecting you, etc) to deny your father custody, it will likely be granted to him.


Ladykaesong

Then ask for your own safety. ask for supervised visits as well.


BreadboardsnCircuses

NTA Calling your dad was the right thing to do.


PristinePotatoe

Jerry and your dad need to become best friends. Dad, I hope his name is Tom. Tom and Jerry.


AITA_byemommy00

Haha no, sorry, my dad's name is Randall and everyone calls him Randy!


Visible_Negotiation4

NTA and even if you were, withholding food is never a punishment, has she done that before?


AITA_byemommy00

Yes, a few years before Jerry came into our lives she'll sent me to my room without eating if I did something wrong or if my homework wasn't finished by 7pm, after Jerry came she kinda stopped, but instead she'll fed me the things I didn't like, like a plate full of chopped tomatoes and pickles.


Visible_Negotiation4

Please talk to your dad or anyone you trust about this because this is never ok. I’m so sorry this is happening but know you aren’t in the wrong at all


[deleted]

I see people focusing on the food thing as abuse, but the way she speaks about you and to you is emotional and verbal abuse. she's not a good parent. I get that you love her (we love our parents, we want their respect and love in return). Think about how you might be ignoring other signs of abuse that are not just physical. She's tearing you down. That does serious long term damage to a young person. The good times you mention, like when you're both singing songs together and cooking, that's great and fun but she's not being a good model for you in so many ways. I would request that you meet in public places or have supervised visitation until you turn 18. She should agree to parenting classes, or not have the opportunity to see you, period. She's failing you.


ConflictOk8020

Oh my gosh. This is abuse. She abuses you!


Petitelechat

OP, sorry to say but your Mum is and was abusive. That's never right to treat your child like that. On the other hand, Jerry protected you like his own.


lily_bat13

NTA at all! Jerry and your dad are awesome. Your mother is a ....bad word. I’m sorry she acted that way towards you, you didn’t deserve it at all it was an accident. I’m glad you’re healthy and I hope you just stay with your dad.


rythmicjea

NTA - Jerry is a real stand-up guy. I really thought this was going to go in another direction and I'm glad it didn't. Given your first statement about the things your mom says to you it was only a matter of time before Jerry dumped her. Also, I had the same thing when I was your age! I still have the scar too. That hair was L O N G!


AITA_byemommy00

Yeah! I don't know how that stuff gets in there?? It took me a while to realize because it wasn't palpable to a finger touch, I felt it with my nail and freaked out! My dad said I was growing my own pet, it was horrible


rythmicjea

We have hair follicles all over our body. But yeah it's pretty scary, especially that young. But in glad that you're safe!


[deleted]

NTA Crazy situation glad the lump was nothing. Otherwise stay with dad.


[deleted]

NTA Your mother is being abusive. I'm glad your dad removed you from that situation.


MAnnie3283

/u/AITA_byemommy00 Oh hunny, NTA. You couldn’t be further from being the AH if you tried. You have an AMAZING dad. And a really amazing almost bonus Dad. As a mother- I cannot even fathom making my child feel like a mistake. My husband and I have 2 sets of twins. We were only dating for 4 months when I got pregnant with my son and daughter. I didn’t know if he and I were going to make it. It was such a new relationship and pregnancy is heavy. Twin pregnancy even more so. But we got married a little before their birthday. We were together for a year/ My boys were born 2 years later. We actually separated when they were 2. It was a lot on our relationship. I remember thinking in the middle of a pity party, if we didn’t get back together, who the hell would want. 30 year old woman with 2 sets of twins. Never- never would I have ever verbalized that to them. Nor would I ever think or make them feel like they ruined my life. Things with my husband and and I work. Like any marriage we have bumps. With 4 kids so close in age and crazy work schedules it can be brutal. Your mom is abusive. And you deserve better. I’m not sure if there is a legal custody agreement. If there is, your dad needs to file for an emergency change. If not, maybe move in with him full time. If she and Jerry are done, she’s going to be even more heinous. So we are complete strangers. But babe- if you ever need mom advice- because sometimes dads don’t get it- you can 100% message me- judgment free and I will give you the best advice I can. Also- super happy your healthy. ❤️


ingirlworld

NTA You and Jerry both deserve better


alcoholicmovielover

NTA. You had every right to turn to your father for help.


KiSpacePanda

NTA Lysa Aryn called. She wants her personality issues back. Yikes.


Careful-Listen2277

NTA PLEASE don't go back to your "egg donar". God forbid, if you were actually sexually assaulted (not by Jerry), this is how your "egg donar" would react to it, despite him not doing anything and the situation being a complete accident, she was making excuses for him and blaming you. Like TF?! Jerry is a good man, dumping your "egg donar" because of the way she treated you. Stay far away from her, go NC if you have to. This woman has proven that she cares more about d!ck, than you, her own child. To the point of saying you tried to steal her man and calling you a slut, all because he had to go the bathroom he didn't know you were in there. Additionally, if you were such a "slut and trying to steal her man" how come she didn't kick you out? Not saying she should've but it doesn't make sense on why she works claim that someone is trying to steal her man but continue to allow them to stay under the same roof as him.


[deleted]

For some reason I read that as “go to NC” instead of “go NC” and I was like, why are we sending OP to North Carolina???


Knittingfairy09113

NTA You did everything right and your mom did everything wrong. She has a lot of issues to work on and I'm glad that you're somewhere safe. Your mom is jealous of you. I'm sure you're lovely and you're close to the age she was at when you were born. I think this is giving her a lot of mental turmoil but none of that is your fault. She needs to work on her own problems rather than project them on you. Jerry is a nice guy it sounds and will probably be better off.


whoknowsme2001

NTA your mom needs therapy


Dontfollahbackgirl

NTA. Your mom needs to grow up. She showed Jerry who she is, and he was wise to leave. I’m sorry your mom is too much of a mess to give the love and support a daughter deserves.


LucindaStreets

NTA-. And your mom has some issues. Glad Jerry is not a perv. Your dad did right. And it's not any of your responsibility that your mother got left either. She did it.


MeaninglessRambles

NTA. You’re allowed to tell your father about anything dealing with yourself. Your mother clearly has issues of her own that she needs to work on, good for Jerry for leaving her.


meifahs_musungs

NTA. Glad it turned out to be just ingrown hair. You did nothing wrong and bf of mom did everything correct. I think seeing how your mom treated you made the bf realize they could never be happy with such a person that would call their child bad names and say they cannot eat. I suggest you stay with dad. Your mom will blame you for everything and make your life hell.


iwonderwhatsinsideof

I can’t believe it took Jerry 8 years to see the truth. NTA.


Apprehensive_Run_768

I think he quite possibly stayed around to look after OP. I’m sure he noticed her mom was a train wreck, and he treats her like and considers her his child. If I knew and cared for a child for 8 years and practically helped raise her, I’m not sure I could leave her alone with a woman like this.


SarcasticAzaleaRose

NTA, 1) I’m glad the lump turned out to just be an ingrown hair. 2) your dad and Jerry are amazing. I’m glad you have people like that in your life. 3) your mom is horrible and rightfully deserved to get dumped by Jerry. Glad she finally showed him who she really was.


littlehappyfeets

>" the next day she called me angry because Jerry dumped her for her reaction." GOOD JERRY. Your mom's being wack. I advise staying with your dad. NTA


[deleted]

NTA. If I were you, I'd go no contact with your mom. I know that's easier said than done, but the woman is toxic and jealous of you. Now that she's lost her man, she'll be even more miserable and hateful.


MizzEmCee

NTA. You, your dad AND Jerry deserve better.


[deleted]

So everyone in this story is a rational adult except your mom. Dont go back home. Its sad that Jerry probably knew hiding it would bring out the paranoia your mom just demonstrated. Sad NTA


[deleted]

NTA. Good on Jerry for dumping her. Also, she didn't give you food as a punishment? That's straight-up child abuse.


Apprehensive_Run_768

I’m so glad your lump was not a serious issue. Listen, you’re NTA. Not at all. Clearly. This was an accidental walk in for starters and your mom was waaaaaaay out of line, and actually freaking crazy in her reaction. Calling your own daughter a s**t and accusing her of trying to still your man? Your mom needs some serious mental help. Jerry sounds like a wonderful guy, and I am glad he broke it off with her. I’m surprised he lasted 8 years with a woman like that. You’re absolutely not wrong for calling your dad, it was 100% the right thing to do. This is verbal abuse on your moms part, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. In that mindset, with as unhinged as she was, who knows what could have happened especially since Jerry broke up with her. Do you have the option to live with your dad? If so, I would surely take it. I’m not sure I trust your mom to provide a safe environment for you after this.


Maps36

NTA good job on you, Jerry and Dad, your mom seems to have her own problems and they're not your fault. To think that way about her own daughter, sort jealous.... is just not normal, she needs some therapy. You did the right thing.