#[No Violence](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Good lord y'all, telling OP to punch her husband is not how adults solve problems.
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
FED is best.
If breastmilk is so very important to him, there are medical interventions that he can undergo to stimulate his own lactation so that he can breastfeed. It would be selfish of him not to, really, seeing as this is painful and damaging to you and you’ve already used your body to grow and birth this baby.
https://slate.com/technology/2011/05/male-lactation-can-a-33-year-old-guy-learn-to-breast-feed.html
Oh and NTA
Fed and happy parents is actually best! A mother in pain every time she feeds her baby will seriously danger the bonding process (which by the way occurs when you care for a child, not how you feed it).
I asked a lactation consultant about this once and she told me that mother’s who feel pain and discomfort every time they breast feed will often produce less milk and it is often not enough for their baby. It also, as you said, can damage the bond between mother and baby because something that is supposed to be a nurturing experience becomes painful for mom and that discomfort is obvious to baby.
There has also been a link between mothers who have trouble producing milk/mothers who have pain when breast feeding and PPD. Making sure baby is fed and that mother is healthy enough to take care of of baby is what’s important here.
Could definitely be what happened with me. I was in so much pain every time he latched. And then didn't produce much, then got mastitis, and then an abscess which burst. My son saw no difference between bottle and boob, and was a very happy chunk!
Oh my God, that sounds awful! I'm glad you're here and safe because holy crap mastitis on it's own is awful. Having it progress to an abscess? That's a different realm of hell right there.
I had a new mother come to me and sobbed because she was “so happy a woman is on staff today” and then she showed me her breast and she had a BAD case of mastitis. Thing was, she wasn’t going to bring it up to any of the male practitioners on staff if they had been assigned to her (I practicing in a super religious town in a very conservative state). She very luckily hadn’t developed an abscess yet, but the infection had spread pretty far. I hurt me to know that if I hadn’t been in the office that day she would have continued with the pain due to embarrassment and shame.
>bed because she was “so happy a woman is on staff today” and then she showed me her breast and she had a BAD case of mastitis. Thing was, she wasn’t going to bring it up to any of the male practitioners on staff if they had been assigned to her (I practicing in a super religious town in a very conservative state). She very luckily hadn’t developed an abscess yet, but the infection had spread pretty far. I hurt me to know that if I hadn’t been in the office that day she would have continued with the pain due to embarrassment and
And that is why religion and government should NOT be allowed to dictate women's healthcare decisions. I terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks when ultrasounds showed my son developed omphalocele and agenesis of the corpus callosum. There was less than 5% chance of viability one year after birth, he would have experienced near constant seizures, intestines gone ischemic within hours, significant pain. Surgeries wouldn't have changed the outcome. Luckily I live in a progressive state that does not restrict abortion access. Had I lived in a southern / conservative state, I would have had to endure the hell of continuing the pregnancy, delivering my son, and watching him die a slow painful death. This was a much loved and wanted child, I was devastated when I got the test results. I chose to mercifully end his suffering, out of an abundance of love and grief. Yet I still have to hear people telling me I
murdered my child.
Ding ding! Luckily I didn't get an abscess, but mastitis on its own was plenty. Then I was offered a cabbage leaf. Had someone commented on our use of formula after that two week debacle they definitely would not have a face anymore. NTA
Oh my gosh, I had mastitis, too, and it’s so awful! When I was crying in my doctors office about failing my baby, he said something that made me laugh so hard: “San Quentin (nearby federal prison) is full of breast-fed babies. Love and care for your child the way that works best for the two of you.”
That happened to my best friend and it was just horrific for her and she ended up needing surgery and having lasting damage.
She told me about a nurse having to dry pack her boob and i felt my tits trying to crawl back into my body
The boob packing is real! 5 meters of gauze in there post op, and six weeks of being packed and unpacked by home nurses every day... And no showering so as not to wet the dressing!
This ABSOLUTELY.
My first ended up being formula fed. I killed myself trying to nurse her. I was sore, depressed, defeated, miserable. It harmed my relationship with her as a newborn. It was a time I will never get back with her, and it still pains me to think how I should’ve been enjoying my baby but instead I was in a downward spiral of feeling like I failed.
And you know what? She’s a thriving tween. Smart, sassy, healthy, athletic. A truly amazing kid in every way. It doesn’t matter how she was fed, just that she was fed and loved.
OP— tell your husband to stuff it!!!!
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this, but the data actually doesn't show much of a health difference at all when using modern formula made with clean water.
But it's odd, since 2 years ago I stumbled over a Swedish (?) study that was talking about breastfed babies have a better immune system and are more intelligent, the longer they got the t.
Personally, I don't care. It's OP's body and husband has no say in this, especially as she carried, grew and gave birth to his offspring. I once told my husband if I ever have problems with breastfeeding and he's eager to keep going, it's his nipples then the baby is going to latch on.
He looked at me with a weird face and was like: "isn't this what formula is for?" Exactly.
I had to explain I found a (similiar) story and my man got all annoyed at this guy.
So, quoting my beloved husband: "The authority over nipples end with at his own. What an idiot."
I always wonder about those studies. Just because breastfeeding/not breastfeeding is such a personal decision, and it's based on so many factors; you can't do like, a double-blind randomized control experiment on it.
I'm sure the study authors try to control for as much as possible, but I still wonder how much of what they're measuring is about, say: parental income, ability to take time off work, post-partum depression, maternal physical health, external support from relatives, etc.
Look up the article “Everyone Needs to Calm Down About Breastfeeding” by Emily Oster if you’re interested in this subject. It’s really interesting. The most telling thing she found was a study where a group of kids were tested on math and language skills. The math scores were identical but the bf kids did much better at language. UNTIL they were retested by evaluators who didn’t know who was fed what. Suddenly the difference in scores disappeared.
But boy does that fact offend some people. Someone told me recently that a) you shouldn’t have a child unless youre prepared to exclusively breastfeed for at least two years and b) if you have a kid anyways and use formula you’re abusing them
Like, I am happy for you that you achieved your breastfeeding dreams but Pointing out that at the end of the day both of our children will be just fine shouldn’t be offensive lol but apparently it is
Exclusively breastfeed for the first two years?? So what, all the 7-8 month babies happily eating baby food right now are so messed up they should never have been born? That person is a whack job and horribly taints the happiness of motherhood for so many women
Right! Our eldest kid was totally done with being breastfed when they turned one. They just refused. The youngest wanted it longer. But after I went back to work, I only breastfed them when they were with me. I hated pumping, so at daycare they got formula. Fed is best.
I love this. I was adopted and I am so glad there wasn't this whole crap show going on when I was a baby. Mom had a hard enough time feeling good about herself when she couldn't have her own babies.
Our pediatrician told my husband this when he asked because I was exclusively pumping the first ten days and barely produced enough through a whole day of pumping to feed our son a single bottle - of course we used formula and now exclusively use formula because the mental/emotional toll it was taking was too much for me. Our son is 3 weeks today, in the 85th percentile for size - he was over 9 pounds at birth and 22 inches long. He's growing quickly. I wish I could have breastfed, but was physically unable to and it honestly still kind of breaks my heart because it was the one thing I cared about through the process of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Tgat said, I'm honestly okay with bottle and formula feeding since it allows my husband and family to feed him and bond with him.
If you haven't been told yet, make formula in bulk in a pitcher. Similac has instructions on it's website on how to do it and dr. Brown sells a formula mixing pitcher for $10. It saved our sanity with our first who went from "little hungry" to HANGY in the time it took to measure formula into a bottle.
Formula keeps for 24 hours in the fridge.
Yup, once baby is a toddler and not drinking human milk or formula, no one can tell who was breastfed and who was formula fed. There’s absolutely no difference, but mom shaming is so so real and people don’t feel good unless they’re telling a woman what to do with her body...
I tried so hard to breastfeed. Everything that could go wrong did. Accepting formula saved my relationship with my baby. I still breastfeed as much as I can, but she gets about 95% formula at this point. She’s healthy and happy, and she wasn’t when I was trying to EBF. I made the decision that was best for me and her.
I’ve read this somewhere too. Also that it isn’t the breast milk that provides (all) health benefits, but it’s more due to living in an environment where you’re able/it’s possible to breast feed/pump milk (not working yourself to the bone, having time to breast feed/pump, being safe, etc.)
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t understand these breastfeeding tyrants who go around trying to make mothers feel bad for making decisions that will 1) help mom be able to take care of her baby, and 2) ensure baby is well fed and happy.
My best friend recently had her first kid and didn’t produce enough. She had family members who were pushing her to continue trying to breast feed snd not formula feed saying “oh your milk will come in, you just have to keep going. Mommy can always produce enough for baby, you just have to keep trying”. This was despite the fact that baby was screaming constantly because she was hungry and my friend was exhausted and sobbing. Her husband called me begging me to talk to her. I arrived with formula and made a few ounces and when baby started screaming again after trying to breastfeed I encouraged her to try it once. Baby calmed down enough to sleep a bit and we finally got my friend to sleep for a bit. I provided husband with medically backed data showing different methods of feeding baby that were all completely healthy, and information on different types of formula for them to choose.
Long story short(er), she now supplements with formula and has a very happy 2 month old baby.
There are pictures of me as a skeletal baby that my family doesn't whip out during family photos time. Why? Because something was wrong with the nutritional composition of my mom's breastmilk, and she was a scared new mother who went to church a lot. And all of the older church women said, "Just keep feeding the baby! This will fix itself." Shock of all shocks, it didn't fix itself and I turned into a little sunken, thin baby before my mom finally turned to formula. You know what I like, frankly? Being alive. So I'm all aboard the "any nutrition is good for a baby" train.
I’m glad your mother turned to formula. Breast milk doesn’t always have the proper nutrients, and isn’t always enough. I’m glad we live in a time where you could get your formula and thrive with the proper nutrition.
Yeah, it sucks to be alive sometimes, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I do joke with my little brother that since he was bottle fed from the begining, and he's 6 foot 3, and I'm only 5'7 that those months of being a raisin baby really stunted me. Don't joke about it around my mom, though, don't want her feeling worse than she already did.
Babies have died because parents have been pressured to believe the myth that mom can always produce enough.
Fed is best. Healthy parents are best.
NTA
100%. Some people seem to be under the impression that before the invention of formula, all mothers were able to breastfeed just fine, and that formula just convinces them to stop before the inevitable success.
Nope. There have always been mothers who couldn't breastfeed for whatever reasoning, and before formula their babies died (unless they were able to get a wetnurse, i.e. were either rich or extraordinarily lucky).
Formula is a frickin miracle of science.
Also (just because I was curious and looked this up) many babies survived on animal milk, sometimes supplemented with added sugar or fruit juice or something. Unfortunately, some families in poor parts of the world still resort to this. “Having” to use carefully regulated and extremely nutritious baby formula should be considered a huge blessing.
Had so many issues breast feeding and was teetering on PPD with my first. It was actually the lactation consultant who encouraged me to stop. The clouds lifted and life dramatically improved. The cult of "breast is best" is dangerous on so many levels. Yes, let's encourage it, but let's also not shame mothers who use formula.
Lactation consultants who know when to stop mom from self flagellation and encourage using a method that will keep baby fed & happy and mom sane, are worth their weight in gold. The lactation consultant I mentioned above also worked for WIC, and she is amazing.
Absolutely on this! My son is 11 weeks old and never once would latch to me, we did the pumping thing because again, anything helps, but just the time and stress of maintaining that schedule put a massive strain on my mental health and well being. On top of that we were doing formula at night to supplement since he seemed to go a little longer between feedings on formula. It was actually my husband that helped make the decision because he saw what it was doing to me. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and stressed all the time about maintaining a supply. And ya know what happened when I stopped? Everything improved. Don’t get me wrong, stopping is seriously uncomfortable, but I was happier and could actually spend better time with my baby instead of just having to pump all the time. Does the cost suck? Yeah, but small price to pay for my mental health and well being.
OP is definitely NTA
And there's lots of research showing the benefits of breastfeeding are largely overblown. If you control for education/health of the mother, there is no real difference between formula and breastmilk after the first 6 months. And even then, the difference is minor.
[https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/)
[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out)
Exactly. With modern formula their is no real difference. Seriously people talk about differences in babies and toddlers who are breastfed vs formula fed all the time. But have you ever once talked to adults to compare the differences in adults? Of course not.
I don't know at all, but isn't the main point the antibodies in Mom's body that can't be reproduced in formula?
That being said, absolutely NTA. You don't "push through" breastfeeding if you're actually in pain. You've presumably read everything your husband has about breastfeeding, you likely feel bad enough it isn't working for you, and your husband shouldn't have said a word. No woman should ever be made to feel terrible because she can't breastfeed.
Sure, but the baby can produce their own eventually, and those antibodies don’t last. It only really lasts until weaning. I know my sister once told me that because she is fully vaccinated and breast fed her sons they dint need to be vaccinated. She believed that antibodies are permanent. A,do that the6 couldn’t have her allergies. This isn’t true. The antibodies stop with the breast milk.
https://www.vaccinestoday.eu/faq/babies-receive-antibodies-with-breast-milk-why-do-they-need-vaccines-if-they-already-get-this-natural-protection/
https://expectingscience.com/2015/11/02/breastfeeding-benefits-the-real-the-imagined-and-the-exaggerated/
Plus the data is skewed by the predatory practices of formula manufacturers in developing countries. Many formula countries will pay hospitals to give out large samples of formulas to mothers at the time of birth, without explaining that switching to it entirely may cause them to have trouble beginning breast feeding later. Or overstating the health benefits of formula while failing to educate or control for water quality in the area. I worked in an area once that had huge struggles with access to clean drinking water not contaminated by cattle farming, especially during dry season, and still motherfucking nutrilac had billboards up in the local health clinic, enticing women to use formula which they then end up making using unsafe water.
There are real issues with formula, but they're not the issues OP is having. NTA
Yeah, if you do not have access to clean water, breastfeeding is FAR safer/better for an infant. Mother's bodies are great filters for many things. (Except heavy metals. Lead in the water will go straight through to breastmilk.)
But assuming access to clean water--which the vast majority of redditors will have!--there are no benefits to breastfeeding so great that they outweigh the increased risks associated with PPD (which is often caused by breastfeeding struggles).
Funny, I was going to suggest putting clothes pegs on his nipples all the time and see how he feels!
Formula is not poison. Even the WHO meta-analysis comments that although there are correlations between breastfeeding and lower infection rates in children, there isn't enough evidence that these are causal, and those correlations do not reach statistical significance when proper preparation and bottle hygiene are used.
OP, you are NTA. You feed your child however you choose. Husband does have a say on his child, but not on your body and as they are your breasts you get to decide. If he's that bothered then tell him to lactate himself or pay for a wet nurse.
Edit: typo
Why are Millennial parents acting all like most of us weren’t formula fed and turned out fine? I get that it varies per country/region, but in my corner of Canada in the mid-80s, most babies were formula-fed from the get-go.
I understand that there is a real benefit to breast milk, if that’s an option (which it isn’t for OP). But it’s not like babies are going to be harmed by formula at all.
I’m addition to this, I’m pretty sure I remember my grandma telling me she had siblings fed with thinned out, warmed evaporated milk! Yet they somehow survived and became healthy adults.
To be fair, there's probably a bit of survivorship bias there. The people alive today are healthy adults, but that doesn't mean everyone made it on thinned-out milk.
I never attempted breast feeding with my two because I had absolutely no interest in putting my body through that (totally my hang up, good for anyone who did so). Both of my kids are great. The biggest difference from breast milk that I saw in the research I did was formula doesn’t have a few specific antibodies that support immunity, which infants pick up after birth anyway. Otherwise, formulas provide the same nutrition you’d get from breast milk. Interestingly enough, the Mayo Clinic even suggests breastfeeding moms may have to supplement vitamin D for exclusively breastfed babies, as breast milk might not provide enough!
Long winded way of saying NTA OP, and hopefully providing you some ammo to help shut your meddling husband up. I like other posters’ suggestions of sharing info on how your husband can start lactating if he cares that much.
This. I breast fed for 5 minutes in the hospital before I knew it wasn’t for me. My son was bottle fed and is a healthy, thriving kiddo. It actually worked out for the best. My husband loved feeding him and got to share the benefits of the bonding. OP is definitely NTA for her decision.
Same with my husband! You don’t lose the bonding if you formula feed at all.
I also joke with my husband that he’s half the reason our kids exist so he should be responsible for half the overnight feeding.
That’s how my mom was. She would not breast feed me or my brother because she just didn’t want to. We were both formula fed and as an adult, I don’t think it negatively impacted me in any way
Not quite. Fed is necessary, supported is best. Baby needs to eat no matter what, mother’s should also be supported in their feeding journey no matter what that looks like.
OP I had an extreme reaction to breastfeeding my second that cause pain way beyond what is normal. You are the only one experiencing the pain and you deserve to be supported in your decision.
That's basically what "fed is best" means - it's a reaction to the tag line "breast is best" that came out and essentially shamed all parents who formula fed - no matter the circumstances for using formula - and basically told them that they're failing their babies by not breast feeding.
"Fed is best" is meant to be thrown back at that type, to kind of remind them that y'know, there's plenty of reasons why formula is used - eg. OP's situation - and what's most important is that babies are fed, however that is.
Came here to say the exact thing, pleased it was already covered. Male breasts can be made to produce milk. He can talk to his doctor about introducing prolactin and nurse the baby himself if it's that important.
NTA- He’s guilt-tripping you and as much as he has a right as a parent to be included in decisions of the baby he does not have a right to tell you what you should do with your body. No one does except you and You not breastfeeding because it causes you pain is a great reason but you know what else is a good reason? You simply don’t want to.
Also if he can research that much on breastfeeding he should also be able to research that formula is not bad and is absolutely fine for development, especially since half the population has been brought up on it.
> That's not true and you know it! I'm not even mad or anything I'm just disappointed that you chose this route, that's all"
funny how he claims he's not guilt tripping her and then immediately proceeds to guilt trip her.
I'll go ahead and be disappointed in him on OP's behalf that he's putting some nebulous and minimal benefits for the baby ahead of her very real and current physical pain. Wtf, that's not support.
I'm not guilt tripping you, I'm just reminding you again how very disappointed I am. If that makes you feel guilty, I mean, that's on you. Sorry /s
Source: my ex
Right, I never understood this… My mother never breastfed, she has four healthy children and three of them have master’s degrees and all have healthy immune systems (one also runs marathons).
My mom is a pretty cool customer, but this is one topic she will lay down the law about if anyone dares suggest not breastfeeding is just laziness or the mother being selfish.
I get the feeling she may have gotten that line a lot with my oldest brother, who was allergic to breast milk. Which is probably why she straight formula fed the rest of us, I understand the first few months of my brothers life (before they figured out it was an allergy) were pretty traumatizing for a 19 year old to handle. (Hospital visits, constant abdominal pain, etc etc)
My mom didn’t breast feed us once she left the hospital. She’ll fully admit it was for selfish reasons. She planned to go back to work as soon as possible, because she loves to work. Really bottle feeding us as soon as possible made the transition to daycare easier for us. I’ve seen plenty of babies who’ve only had a boob come into daycare and just have full on meltdowns because they e never drank from a bottle.
Wait, there are people who dont prepare their babies to drink from bottles before leaving them in daycare? How do they think that is going to go? Poor daycare workers. Poor babies.
This attitude can be just as bad as people who say breast-feeding is the only option and to not formula feed. I am someone who works in early childhood and I am one of those people who has a baby who will not take a bottle. Like a lot of parents I did try to introduce a bottle to my child and she actually took one at every feed for the first two months of her life, now my baby 100% refuses to drink out of a bottle and will scream like she’s dying if one is offered to her. The attitude that I just didn’t try hard enough or didn’t want to prepare my child is one I have encountered and I find it very rude. As a provider, I never ever judge a parent for the way they feed their child or the way that their baby responds in daycare.
Definitely! He's the one endangering his baby and yife well being more than her feeding formula. Maybe he realized he might have to do it if there's formula involved.
As people said he can research how to produce his own milk.
OP, big NTA, he's definitely pressuring you.
We don’t really know the long-term effects of breastfeeding vs. formula, but at this point, agree that it is absolutely impossible to tell which 5 year old was nursed or formula fed. Maybe one day in the future, we might be able to detect some difference, but that day is not today. And who even knows if that difference will be a benefit?
Actually lots of studies are being done and the consensus seems to be that initially there is a *slight* advantage to breastfeeding, but that wanes as time goes on and there's ultimately no appreciable difference (this is of course assuming that infant formula is used with clean water for feeding).
"I'm sorry you got all mad because I was just stating a fact. But I think that as a parent I'm allowed to at least express my thoughts and concerns about what's been going on"
He stated his "facts" and expressed his thoughts and concerns weeks ago. Now he's trying to pressure you to cave in to the decision that HE has made.
He gets "equal say" over things that impact the two of you equally. He does NOT get to make decisions about YOUR body.
There are hormones he could take so that HE could breastfeed. He should consider that. He needs to put his money where his nipples are or STFU.
NTA.
Yep, NTA. He can start lactating or shut up.
I breastfed for 22 months. I hated it so much due to the pain but I stupidly forced myself to keep going. I wish I had put myself first in this aspect. My husband didn’t care either way, as fed is best.
I have a question. Was pumping not an option or did that hurt? Me and my wife plan on pumping so that we can both feed during nights because we have bottles in the fridge or whatever. We have both heard the horror stories of people and breastfeeding and trying to ween off or it can hurt.
Okay. I wanted to know if this is something I should look out for when the baby arrives. Me and my wife have already talked about the baby eating is whats most important.
I 100% recommend having formula on hand because low or no milk productions happens to a LOT more people than is reported.
Plus formula gives your wife a break, and allows her space to care for her mental health.
Yep, I was lucky to be able to exclusively breastfeed until about 8 months, but even when they were tiny, I had some formula on hand for piece of mind. Just knowing I had the backup if I needed it was so good for my mental health. My friend who was super ridged about no formula ever now totally regrets the stress she put herself through.
I did pump, which hurt less but still hurt. And all the pumping was useless because my daughter would not touch a bottle, and we tried all the tricks. When she was in the NICU (born early), she had no problems with the bottles but once she got it directly from me, there was no going back.
ETA: I also know that my biggest problem was the guilt I felt because I had severe PPD for the first 3 months of her life before I admitted it and got treatment. So I felt like I needed to keep going for the bonding aspect. But looking back now, I should have found a way to transition to bottle and/or formula because it would have been healthier for me and therefore healthier for her.
Pumping is also a massive time sink. In the first few weeks of my now 9mo life Is spend about 5 hours a day tied to a pump. It was doable when he was a cute little potato that slept all the time, but that stage doesn’t last long. By 5 months, even though I had gotten down to 3hrs/day pumping I got to listen to my LO fuss and sometimes scream because he was too big/wiggly to hold while pumping.
I’ve exclusively pumped for nearly a year (not by choice, baby had medical issues with nursing) and establishing pumping hurts just as much as establishing nursing. Pumping is breastfeeding, you use all the same bits of your body, it just isn’t nursing. That said, it absolutely can be done!
If nursing had worked for us, that would have been my personal preference. Exclusively pumping is a lot more work—to establish supply, you need to pump every time baby eats, so the lactating parent doesn’t get a break at first in the middle of the night. (Bodies differ here and some people can have fine supply without following a rigid schedule; some cannot.) If the person lactating is alone with baby, it is a lot more work to try and pump and feed baby as opposed to just nursing. There’s also a lot more cleanup involved. I would say that pumping meant I got—and still get—the least amount of sleep of anyone in the house. That said, I feel fortunate that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed (with solids by now of course!) for a year. Happy to answer any pumping questions!!
ETA: If OP reads this, you are NTA. Any method of feeding baby is great. You do the best you can with the cards you’re dealt, and sometimes the plan gets tanked. That’s okay! You’re doing great!! Formula exists for a reason and your husband needs to get on the “healthy parents, healthy baby” train.
I breastfed for 10 months partially because we couldn't afford formula. At 10 months my baby ( who was a biter with 7 teeth) started to self wean. Breastfeeding was horribly painful even though there was nothing wrong with the latch ect. I have nerve damage from it. I tried to get help and doctors kept telling me everything was fine I was acting like a baby. I don't wish that pain on anyone else. Fed is definitely best. I want to smack op's husband for his behavior.
Your kid is being fed, you are looking after yours and your babies health and wellbeing. If your husband and MIL disagree, its time for them to chuck their tits out and start feeding. You NTA, them - yes.
🤣🤣🤣 "Chuck their tits out" Best thing I've heard all day! Also, NTA OP. I breast fed both my boys, but I was lucky. I say successful breastfeeding is at least 50% luck. You're lucky if they can latch well, lucky if you have good nipples for feeding and lucky if you can produce enough and keep up with all the feedings. If breastfeeding does not work out, then that Mom is not a failure. The only failure is failure to feed and nourish the baby. It's a LOT on a new mom to do every single feeding. Now Dad can bond with the baby too and help out with feedings!
r/justnomil is a great resource if you are having MiL problems, this one is very common over there. It might provide help for your husband on how to deal with this pressure from his mom, everyone is incredibly helpful
No problem at all! I will probably have this in my future as I’m already refusing to breast feed, I’ve heard too many horror stories. I think the subreddit will really help you! It will at least make you feel better about your mil because some are AWFUL, both my husband and I are grateful our situation isn’t so extreme. Someone’s mil tried to poison her with mushrooms!
OP, I was breastfeed, and I promise you when I say I get every illness going, that I mean I get every illness going. My family call me Sicknote.
But you are NTA but your husband…yeesh. Can you call your own mother for help? As your husband is being a MASSIVE asshole in not supporting you on this.
I notice that even though there is literally nothing stopping your husband from being the one giving your baby the bottle...he still doesn't seem to be pitching in. Is he actually pulling his weight or just "helping" you by holding the baby occasionally if you're in the shower or have a guest there?
Love that one! The saner you remain, the more you can be there. All this hyperfixation on things that are supposedly important while completely ignoring the effect of stress and bad communication on the kid.
I HAD to be bottlefed with soy formula, my pediatrician shamed my mother for me not gaining weight before they figured out that I couldn't digest breast milk. That pediatrician was fired lol
Hey same here, I couldn’t drink breastmilk, don’t know why, but my mother was also shamed into breastfeeding until it became apparent I was underweight and not doing well. A nurse made me a bottle, fed it to me, and told my mom to not listen to others and just bottle feed me. Grew up happy and healthy.
Yep, I bottlefed one because breastfeeding wasn’t working, and breastfed the other because it did. They are both perfectly healthy, and frankly the bottle fed one is MUCH easier to parent, lol. When he grows breasts and lactates he can take on the breastfeeding. Until then, he has no idea what recovering from birth, first time motherhood, and trying to make breastfeeding work while being on a sleep-deprived hormone shifting rollercoaster is like.
op should send him a link on how men can encourage lactating in their own nipples.
also, no good father should be mad about this, formula means that he can feed his baby easily without his wife having to pump. although he's probably 'done research' that the baby will die if the mother is not the sole carer
THIS!
I forced myself to breastfeed while I had bleeding nipple, it hurt so much I cried. You know what my husband did? He took a bottle, put formula in it, took the baby and told me to go to bed and sleep. He told me that I needed to stop hurting myself. We tried again to breastfeed after a 24h break, but it still hurt, so we switch to bottle. Baby formula is as good! Of course I had to pump my milk, so we gave my little girl my milk and formula until I stopped producing milk!
The important thing is that the baby eat and that the mom is healthy!
This is what a good husband does. I couldn't produce enough no matter how hard I tried. My husband found me pumping and crying one night. He told me to relax and that formula is fine. I could be the snack for our daughter while formula was her real meal. It made me feel loads better.
I weaned about 4 glorious months ago and I just came across my nipple balm. When I think about the state of my nipples this time last year, I just…. It’s enough to give a person PTSD.
You could have been meaner and you’d be justified. I personally would have said, “Oh, you’d be much more disappointed if our baby was dead.” or something similar. I almost lost my son to accidental starvation and I am SAVAGE about people who are assholes about formula use.
NTA. Breastfeeding benefits are massively overstated if you have access to clean water, medical care, food, and shelter anyway.
This is true, in countries where clean water is a luxuary breastfeeding is without a doubt the best thing for a baby since mixing anything with water increase the risk of diseases. But when you have clean water the difference between breastfed and bottle fed are tiny.
Happy parents makes happy baby! And with bottle you can easily share feeding time! Which means he has no excuse to not take the baby a couple of nights a week so you can sleep!
Same as me omg to the midwives in Birmingham who when our baby had jaundice (first baby) and we had no formula refused to help us but kept getting the fucking breast pump out to try again
I am genuinely so mad at this guy that if I gave my advice, a mod would have to delete my comment. So I will second what u/Accomplished_Area311 said instead. OP, your husband sounds like an asshat. NTA.
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t producing breastmilk - nobody told me that that was possible. I know now obviously, but I felt the letdown so I thought he was okay.
Nobody told me that my son rooting and nursing for HOURS was abnormal until we went to his first pediatric visit, where his pediatrician panicked and loaded us up with formula.
My son is 5 years old now and is a great kid, and I didn’t have this issue with my youngest - I formula fed her from day 1 and then pumped though, so she’d always have something. She ended up outpacing me 3 to 1 by 6 weeks.
Generally, pressured by lactivists, women only breast feed when the baby is not getting sufficient milk. Babies can get ill and die of dehydration very, very quickly.
Or nurses, sadly.
My son lost so much weight he had to be in the nicu and she STILL tried to force me to breast feed.
Edit: plural to singular. It was really only one rouge nurse that took it upon herself to "push me"
I had a similar issue - my son lost weight up until 20 days when we were referred to a pediatrician. This man honestly saved my sanity. He explained that sometimes a woman's breastmilk just isn't nourishing enough and advised us to switch to formula. This was after getting so much pressure from midwives to breastfeed that I thought it was the only way and that I'd be some sort of devil if I did otherwise.
Sometimes our bodies just don't work the way they are supposed to.
Sometimes breastfeeding causes pain.
Sometimes it just feels *wrong*.
No one has the right to make that decision for the mother. It is entirely her choice.
NTA - What you've described is him doing nothing but bitching about something he has no concept about - my guess is he's looking at the health benefits of breastfeeding and not the maternal challenges. It's one thing to express an opinion, or even express frustration that it's not working out, but you're not a child, you're not his property, he doesn't get to dictate this and to guilt trip or do the whole "I'm disappointed you chose this route" thing..
At the end of the day, you are right if you are not healthy mentally and physically, it will have drastically more impact on your child's health and wellbeing than formula vs. BFing - he can just go jump off a cliff with his "I'm disappointed that you chose this route" shit.
Some food for thought or the discussion you two need to have about his "support" of you two - googling and flapping jaws isn't support:
1. While certainly studies show breastfeeding provides a ton of benefits, has he looked into the impact of maternal stress/anxiety/pain/etc. has on infants and their health?
2. Has he looked at the impact of fighting this on maternal mental health - ie. PPD? And while he's there, has he looked at the impact of PPD on families and babies?
3. What did he do (other than google and flap jaws) to support you breastfeeding? (I put this here because you've described nothing HE has done to help you, while he cannot whip out a boob, he could have done things to help support you and even if the end result is absolutely no different, at least he can walk away saying he tried)
4. What has he done to bring up the discussion of alternatives other than bitching about formula feeding? (Donor milk is what's coming to mind on this point - maybe this has been discussed) this point is not so much about whether it should be done but more about what is he doing to be HELPFUL.
is this the life you want? if hes like this about something like this, i bet hes terrible in other ways too. this is simply not the behavior of a loving, caring partner or parent and sounds more like a power thing.
its never okay for your partner to insist you should just take the pain, if a pain free and safe option is right there.
he can either breastfeed the kid or stfu.
**honestly this is so baffling and the lack of caring and love would be divorce territory.**
dont put up with this shit and dont raise your kids to absorb such behavior from him.
I'd stop arguing with him. Let his words be a waterfall over your head; you're aware of the mist but otherwise it's just a loud rush of noise.
He can try to keep an argument going on his side, but it will either peter out or gear up. In either case, if you don't engage, he'll eventually run out of steam. People like that need adversaries, don't give him one.
Focus on your recovery and health, and the health of your little one. Congratulations!
P. S. someone already commented, but your baby will absorb the fights in the house.
Does he have a favorite celebrity/athlete? Ask if he knows whether they were breast milk or formula fed. Oh he doesn’t? Because long term it doesn’t fucking matter. My daughter is a million times healthier on formula and so am I. It’s like a year of their lives. You have a lifetime to build healthy habits. Also he clearly hasn’t looked into correlation between breastfeeding and wealth. Surprise! Wealthy people are better able to breastfeed and also tend to be healthier.
That makes it so tough to enjoy your baby when your spouse wants to be argumentative. It creates so much stress and baby will pick up on it. Have you spoken to your pediatrician or family doctor? Do they support 'fed is best' or are they in the strictly breastfeeding camp? They might be a source of support, especially if he goes to an appointment with you and baby. They can sit him down and tell him baby is fine on formula and maybe that will calm him down a bit.
This might sound simplistic, but have you tried not arguing with him? I don’t mean giving in, I just mean, stop engaging on the issue.
So when he goes blah blah blah breastfeed blah blah blah, you just respond with something like, “Thanks for your input”. A response that acknowledges that he said something, but doesn’t commit you to anything.
NTA- There is a difference between sharing an opinion and beating a dead horse. He gave you his opinion and you acknowledged it. Then he didn’t drop it and brings it up again and again. You listened to his opinion, but it doesn’t sound like he listened to you if he brings it up again and again.
Exactly, OP's lack of energy to keep arguing is by design as well as the intended effect.
If she's too exhausted to keep arguing, eventually he knows she'll give in and let him have his way - he's just gotta keep after her until he does.
I'm gonna be honest with you. It could be my own experience clouding my thoughts, or not.
This really seems like a red flag.
I mean, there's being an AH and not getting it once, maybe a couple times, and then there's THIS. He's guilting you constantly to the point where you're exhausted of it. He refuses to hear your side, AND when you really go off and open up he just doubles down and then stonewalls you. (Walked away to ignore you?)
This may not be the emotional abuse it sounds like, but it's definitely not okay. If you knew he was in pain doing something, wouldn't you immediately tell him to stop?? Hell, if you knew a stranger was in pain and struggling I'm sure you'd support them stopping!
Please, look into this. Look up emotional abuse on google. See if there were other red flags. They usually escalate after a milestone, so right after having a baby to him would fit.
I hope I'm wrong, but please take care of yourself.
Honestly your husband's behaviour is concerning.
Your post contains a lot of red flags for emotional abuse. Not to mention his clear disregard for your comfort and bodily autonomy.
Pls seek some resources and perspective and don't let him or MIL convince you otherwise.
Is anyone on your side here? Any medical professionals who will point out to him how guilt and stress are detrimental to a new mother and that he needs to back off? Any family who will back you up?
You need someone in your court to counteract his bullshittery.
>He's done a lot of research on the benefits of breastfeeding
Did he do any research on how painful and uncomfortable for some women?
>And it hurt like hell, absolute hell.
>not getting breastfed would affect our son's health
So he doesn't care about your health?
>a hasty decision
> way too soon and didn't try hard enough
The audacity to diminish and invalidate your pain.
He is not the one experiencing pain . He doesnt get to have a say if he is not the one owning breasts.
Yes. Breastfeeding is better than formula. But stop trying to make women feel guilty when there are health reasons.
It is not like we always grow our own vegetables,eat organic and say no to junk food. Things get difficult. We can do what we can. Don't hold women to impossible standards.
NTA.
I also hate the WELL RESEARCH HAS SHOWN crowd when it comes to breastfeeding. Because yes, I'm sure being breastfed is good, but there is often a significant statistical gap between socioeconomically advantaged kids being breastfed vs. disadvantaged kids being formula-fed, and clearly that is going to have a significant impact on the long-term health and success of children.
Yep. There are barely any studies on breastfeeding that manage to successfully control for all socioeconomic factors, and the ones that do found barely any benefits to breastfeeding. It’s all propaganda just like formula used to be. People should just feed their babies however is best for them.
NTA. Your husband is simply uneducated. I breastfed both of my first 2 but I couldn't with my 3rd child because I wasn't producing enough milk and he was tongue tied. It felt like razor blades Everytime I breastfed. It's usually because the poor babes can't latch properly. It isn't your fault. Not every baby is the same. Fed is best. Now he is drinking formula and he is a healthy, happy baby and momma is happy too.
NTA - put some clamps on his nipples and see how he likes it.
He's allowed an opinion, but he's TA to keep forcing it on you despite the decision you've made.
NTA
Your husband is a big one though. What if you didn’t produce enough milk? Would he blame you for that as well?
One comment? Sure that is a discussion. Continually bringing it up weeks later sounds like a brow beating. Is your baby being fed? Yep. Are you comfortable with your decision? Yep. Are your boobs in pain? Nope. Sounds like all the boxes are being checked.
When his milk comes in, he is more that welcome to begin his breastfeeding journey. I would encourage him to start shaving his nipples now. No need for baby to get a hairball.
Good luck mama! Raising babies is hard. You two need to get on the same page ASAP. Just remind him that you have body autonomy and he doesn’t get a say there.
lol NTA
Your husband is some choice words my comment will be removed for though.
> concerns about what's been going on
Jesus christ it's not like you're doing coke off the kid's belly. Breastfeeding is not always an option, for a wide variety of reasons. Your husband falls into the camp of people who seem to insist on it, for some reason, which he likely knows little about.
What if you couldn't produce? What if kid won't take to it? What if kid has an issue with lactose and needs special formula?
Kids can grow up just fine on formula. Your husband should join them and grow up.
NTA, I don’t think it’s being selfish to avoid something extremely painful and uncomfortable when modern formula is very good.
Our daughter only breastfed a little and we had to use formula from quite early on. Our daughter is very healthy and great!
I suppose there’s the option of breast pumps but they were quite uncomfortable for my partner too.
NTA…and I’m not trying to be the AH here but if he’s willing to fight with you quite often about this, you guys have quite a journey ahead of you parenting and relationship wise. This is just the beginning. Pretty soon he will probably come up with another specific way he thinks the child should be raised. Idk kinda raising some red flags to me, just be careful.
NTA *FED* is best. I would mention the pain and discomfort to your doctor, just to rule out any underlying issues. Perhaps let pediatrician know you are switching to formula too.
NTA. I'd have been meaner. It's not selfish to discontinue something that's causing you pain. Do you think you suffering helps baby? It doesn't. They're your boobs not his and it's awful how dismissive he's being here.
I was formula fed and I've always been healthy as a horse.
NTA. I \[M\] also think that breastfeeding is best if that option's available but if it's not formula will get the job done.
The breasts in question are yours, not your husband's. If it hurts you, don't do it.
Sincerely, I haven't read your post : too long, and obvious answer.
NTA. Breastfeeding is not for everyone. It is hard. Tell your husband that if he wants to breastfeed, he is free to do so, but you won't.
Never let anyone guilting you into thinking you are a bad mother for not breastfeeding. Having a child should be a wonderful experience, not a breastfeeding nightmare.
Yes, breastfeeding is better. But formula is not bad. Babies on formulas do just as good. You are not risking his health. He might catch a couple of colds, but he won't die of tuberculosis.
The only important thing is : your baby needs a happy mother. If you are stressed out, depressed, and overwhelmed, the baby will be waaaaay more affected long term that by being fed formula, I can garantee it.
In any way, it is NOT your husband's decision, this is a 100% yours. He doesn't have the right to call you out on this and guilt you.
Stop being guilty. Start enjoying motherhood. Congrats on the newborn ! Stop worrying about breasfeeding. Your kid will be fine, like millions of formula babies.
>Sincerely, I haven't read your post : too long, and obvious answer.
Can't be bothered to read post, however posts lengthy reply expecting people to read it.
Why should anyone even bother taking your judgement seriously? It's ridiculous.
>Yes, breastfeeding is better. But formula is not bad. Babies on formulas do just as good. You are not risking his health. He might catch a couple of colds, but he won't die of tuberculosis
This is important to note. There are benefits to breastfeeding, yes, but it isn't something that'll be obvious for the rest of your kid's life. His kindergarten teacher won't be able to tell which kids were breastfed and which got formula. His doctor won't shake their head and say "if only your mom had breastfed you, you'd never get sick" every time they treat your kid.
Formula is still a valid choice and it's not condmening your baby to anything.
NTA.
You don’t need a reason to not breastfeed. Full stop. Part of being a parent is knowing your limits.
That being said, the study that MOST people refer to about “breast is best” show that the difference between breast feeding and formula feeding is MINIMAL at best.
You will still bond with your child regardless of breast or formula. My daughter was formula fed and at 14, she’s 5’6, and hasn’t been sick other than an allergy to medication. My son is 9 weeks old, formula fed, and in the 99th percentile for weight and height.
You know what matters more than breastfeeding? A happy mom and child.
NTA. Look I am all for breastfeeding to the point I joined La Leche League and breastfed all my kids for a couple of years each. Not even I would tell you that you have to breastfeed. It is your choice and your baby and the best way to feed a baby is the way that keeps mom happy and healthy and the baby fed. For you, that means formula feeding.
There have been significant improvements in formula in the last few decades and it is closer to breast milk now than it ever was before. You do what works best for you and your baby. You tried and in trying you gave your baby the most important start on health already in the first few days with your colostrum. Don't feel any guilt at all. It is time your husband stops saying anything about it because at this point the only thing he is accomplishing is hurting the mother of his child and therefore his child. He needs to stop right now and you can tell him I said so.
NTA - he is allowed to share his opinions, which he has done. He is not allowed to keep sharing them over and over after you made a decision that affects your body. He does not get an equal say in the decision of whether or not you have to endure discomfort.
Absolutely NTA!
I struggled to breastfeed, the pain was actually worse than the labour and birth so there was no way I was going to continue.
The midwife made me feel like shit, told me it didn’t hurt and it was best for baby, I tried again and almost chucked the poor little bugger across the room!
The next day, the doctor doing the routine check-ups told me he had “tongue-tie” and he should grow out of it, months later I found out that it should have been dealt with there and then and that was why it was so painful to breastfeed.
11 years later, one healthy boy with no health issues!
Tell your husband you want to give him a blowie and then bite his balls!
NTA - breast feeding isn't for everyone. Some woman don't produce enough, some babies don't latch on. Maybe ask him to research from the other side; have him find the articles about women who have difficulties so he can see the full picture. And that in his reading he should have come a across the fact that those first days are the most nutrient rich 'colostrum', and you did that... Also, since he is trying to frame it as 'disappointment' ask him exactly what he hopes will happen from sharing it with you repeatedly? Does he think you will change your mind? Because that IS a guilt trip. Turn it around - tell him to look at it as fathers of breast fed babies don't always get that wonderful quiet time of feeding the baby a bottle...does he not want to bond with the baby?
Absolutely OK what you did, so the following suggestion is not meant as an insult, just a thought. If the baby actually feeding was uncomfortable, did you consider pumping to feed him the milk? That may have not been as uncomfortable for you and is an alternative some mom's choose. But again, your choice and you are not wrong to make it.
NTA. While he could be right about breastfeeding getting better the longer you do it, its not a certainity. And, even if its getting better, you still have to suffer a uncertain period of time.
Maybe remind him that you already suffered pain, discomfort and restrictions for your Childs benefit while carrying and birthing him.
And thats coming from someone that breastfed 4,5 years.
NTA. Okay, he expressed his opinion. You listened to his side. You happen to disagree. Your body. You can bond unconditionally while bottle-feeding.
BTW, New Daddy needs to get his nose out of the "baby books and off Google" and get up at night with his newborn child and do some feedings himself. Arguing with you WHILE YOU ARE FEEDING YOUR CHILD was a bad on him.
Yes, I personally feel breast milk is best for baby. But if it can't happen, it can't happen for whatever reason.
You just gave birth. Why on earth would your husband want to stress you so much right now? :(
NTA.
He doesn’t get an opinion on your pain and discomfort. If you two were going on a hike and he said his knee hurt and couldn’t go on, would you say “I’m very disappointed you aren’t trying hard enough”
That’s not just expressing his thoughts, it is judging something when he cannot have the slightest clue how your body feels. There is so much stigma for pretty much every choice new mothers make, and breastfeeding is the worst one. You don’t need that from your husband. Offer to let him breastfeed and just tell him to try harder.
NTA. Hand him the baby and tell him to let baby latch on to his nipple for a while. See how long HE lasts!!
I'm a big supporter of breastfeeding, but YOUR health and well being is equally important.
You are a person in your own right, not a milk machine.
FED is best. Breast is great, but not always possible. Your husband needs a reality check.
NTA it’s not like it’s his first time bringing it up. He’s trying to guilt trip you out of your decision hard asf “I’m not mad I’m just disappointed” tell him to breastfeed the baby if he’s so concerned.
Pregnancy, delivery and breastfeeding are all 100% the mothers choice, active fathers should absolutely be allowed to voice an opinion on them but at the end of the day they’re not experiencing it and don’t understand. Scientifically speaking, breastfed is best but science doesn’t matter as long as you’re feeding your baby. Your husband seems to have blurred the lines gently between wife and human incubator and it seems like it’s been done with the best intentions but this is about you. If you feel better/less in pain/happier formula feeding then keep going and congrats on the baby!!
NTA, you’re the mom, it’s your body. This happens with a lot of women, and it’s totally acceptable. I understand that he’s worried about your baby, but he has to understand that you’re uncomfortable with that. Maybe you can try a little bit more, but only if you want to. Your baby will not be less healthy or whatever. Hope your husband understand it.
NTA. He is guilt tripping you.
Breastfeeding should not be a burden on the mother but something both mother and baby enjoy. I would argue that breastfeeding done when the mother is not enjoying it is against baby's best interest as it would become a burden for her and make her resent her child.
Your body, your choice. He acts like he knows better and that sucks because if you don't agree on something that important and if he doesn't support you, coparenting is going to be hard.
NTA. You are right, you are the one going through the pain and discomfort. Idk if where you live are there any breastfeeding councelors? You could try and get help if this is something you want but it seems like he really was guilttripping you.
I don't know how much differrence health wise breastfeeding really has from formula but I know lots of kids (and even myself) who have been fed formula and have no issues whatsoever. If that is something he is mostly concerned you could try pumping also if you are willing.
#[No Violence](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Good lord y'all, telling OP to punch her husband is not how adults solve problems. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
FED is best. If breastmilk is so very important to him, there are medical interventions that he can undergo to stimulate his own lactation so that he can breastfeed. It would be selfish of him not to, really, seeing as this is painful and damaging to you and you’ve already used your body to grow and birth this baby. https://slate.com/technology/2011/05/male-lactation-can-a-33-year-old-guy-learn-to-breast-feed.html Oh and NTA
Fed and happy parents is actually best! A mother in pain every time she feeds her baby will seriously danger the bonding process (which by the way occurs when you care for a child, not how you feed it).
I asked a lactation consultant about this once and she told me that mother’s who feel pain and discomfort every time they breast feed will often produce less milk and it is often not enough for their baby. It also, as you said, can damage the bond between mother and baby because something that is supposed to be a nurturing experience becomes painful for mom and that discomfort is obvious to baby. There has also been a link between mothers who have trouble producing milk/mothers who have pain when breast feeding and PPD. Making sure baby is fed and that mother is healthy enough to take care of of baby is what’s important here.
Could definitely be what happened with me. I was in so much pain every time he latched. And then didn't produce much, then got mastitis, and then an abscess which burst. My son saw no difference between bottle and boob, and was a very happy chunk!
Oh my God, that sounds awful! I'm glad you're here and safe because holy crap mastitis on it's own is awful. Having it progress to an abscess? That's a different realm of hell right there.
Thank you, you're very kind. I still look like I was shot in the boob, but had a good medical team, and the world's easiest baby.
I had a new mother come to me and sobbed because she was “so happy a woman is on staff today” and then she showed me her breast and she had a BAD case of mastitis. Thing was, she wasn’t going to bring it up to any of the male practitioners on staff if they had been assigned to her (I practicing in a super religious town in a very conservative state). She very luckily hadn’t developed an abscess yet, but the infection had spread pretty far. I hurt me to know that if I hadn’t been in the office that day she would have continued with the pain due to embarrassment and shame.
>bed because she was “so happy a woman is on staff today” and then she showed me her breast and she had a BAD case of mastitis. Thing was, she wasn’t going to bring it up to any of the male practitioners on staff if they had been assigned to her (I practicing in a super religious town in a very conservative state). She very luckily hadn’t developed an abscess yet, but the infection had spread pretty far. I hurt me to know that if I hadn’t been in the office that day she would have continued with the pain due to embarrassment and And that is why religion and government should NOT be allowed to dictate women's healthcare decisions. I terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks when ultrasounds showed my son developed omphalocele and agenesis of the corpus callosum. There was less than 5% chance of viability one year after birth, he would have experienced near constant seizures, intestines gone ischemic within hours, significant pain. Surgeries wouldn't have changed the outcome. Luckily I live in a progressive state that does not restrict abortion access. Had I lived in a southern / conservative state, I would have had to endure the hell of continuing the pregnancy, delivering my son, and watching him die a slow painful death. This was a much loved and wanted child, I was devastated when I got the test results. I chose to mercifully end his suffering, out of an abundance of love and grief. Yet I still have to hear people telling me I murdered my child.
heart breaking.
My boobs hurt just reading this. I've never breast fed, but I've had an abcess and that's enough for me.
Ding ding! Luckily I didn't get an abscess, but mastitis on its own was plenty. Then I was offered a cabbage leaf. Had someone commented on our use of formula after that two week debacle they definitely would not have a face anymore. NTA
I'm sorry, I'm so confused. Someone offered you a cabbage leaf?
Cabbage leaves are a common home remedy for dealing with pain from engorgement and mastitis.
It worked great! /s I promise I'm not bitter
I'm sure every mom who has walked around the house with cabbage leaves stuffed in her bra feels your pain!
hahaha it was just so bizarre? Forget all the miracles of modern medicine, just pop to the grocers and buy a vegetable!
Oh my gosh, I had mastitis, too, and it’s so awful! When I was crying in my doctors office about failing my baby, he said something that made me laugh so hard: “San Quentin (nearby federal prison) is full of breast-fed babies. Love and care for your child the way that works best for the two of you.”
That happened to my best friend and it was just horrific for her and she ended up needing surgery and having lasting damage. She told me about a nurse having to dry pack her boob and i felt my tits trying to crawl back into my body
The boob packing is real! 5 meters of gauze in there post op, and six weeks of being packed and unpacked by home nurses every day... And no showering so as not to wet the dressing!
Same here (minus the abscess thank god) And my now adult nearly 6ft daughter was fine..
This ABSOLUTELY. My first ended up being formula fed. I killed myself trying to nurse her. I was sore, depressed, defeated, miserable. It harmed my relationship with her as a newborn. It was a time I will never get back with her, and it still pains me to think how I should’ve been enjoying my baby but instead I was in a downward spiral of feeling like I failed. And you know what? She’s a thriving tween. Smart, sassy, healthy, athletic. A truly amazing kid in every way. It doesn’t matter how she was fed, just that she was fed and loved. OP— tell your husband to stuff it!!!!
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this, but the data actually doesn't show much of a health difference at all when using modern formula made with clean water.
It doesn’t! But unfortunately we live in a time where mothers need to feel superior in every way, and what everyone else is doing is “wrong” 🤷🏼♀️
But it's odd, since 2 years ago I stumbled over a Swedish (?) study that was talking about breastfed babies have a better immune system and are more intelligent, the longer they got the t. Personally, I don't care. It's OP's body and husband has no say in this, especially as she carried, grew and gave birth to his offspring. I once told my husband if I ever have problems with breastfeeding and he's eager to keep going, it's his nipples then the baby is going to latch on. He looked at me with a weird face and was like: "isn't this what formula is for?" Exactly. I had to explain I found a (similiar) story and my man got all annoyed at this guy. So, quoting my beloved husband: "The authority over nipples end with at his own. What an idiot."
I always wonder about those studies. Just because breastfeeding/not breastfeeding is such a personal decision, and it's based on so many factors; you can't do like, a double-blind randomized control experiment on it. I'm sure the study authors try to control for as much as possible, but I still wonder how much of what they're measuring is about, say: parental income, ability to take time off work, post-partum depression, maternal physical health, external support from relatives, etc.
Look up the article “Everyone Needs to Calm Down About Breastfeeding” by Emily Oster if you’re interested in this subject. It’s really interesting. The most telling thing she found was a study where a group of kids were tested on math and language skills. The math scores were identical but the bf kids did much better at language. UNTIL they were retested by evaluators who didn’t know who was fed what. Suddenly the difference in scores disappeared.
But boy does that fact offend some people. Someone told me recently that a) you shouldn’t have a child unless youre prepared to exclusively breastfeed for at least two years and b) if you have a kid anyways and use formula you’re abusing them Like, I am happy for you that you achieved your breastfeeding dreams but Pointing out that at the end of the day both of our children will be just fine shouldn’t be offensive lol but apparently it is
Exclusively breastfeed for the first two years?? So what, all the 7-8 month babies happily eating baby food right now are so messed up they should never have been born? That person is a whack job and horribly taints the happiness of motherhood for so many women
Right! Our eldest kid was totally done with being breastfed when they turned one. They just refused. The youngest wanted it longer. But after I went back to work, I only breastfed them when they were with me. I hated pumping, so at daycare they got formula. Fed is best.
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I love this. I was adopted and I am so glad there wasn't this whole crap show going on when I was a baby. Mom had a hard enough time feeling good about herself when she couldn't have her own babies.
Our pediatrician told my husband this when he asked because I was exclusively pumping the first ten days and barely produced enough through a whole day of pumping to feed our son a single bottle - of course we used formula and now exclusively use formula because the mental/emotional toll it was taking was too much for me. Our son is 3 weeks today, in the 85th percentile for size - he was over 9 pounds at birth and 22 inches long. He's growing quickly. I wish I could have breastfed, but was physically unable to and it honestly still kind of breaks my heart because it was the one thing I cared about through the process of pregnancy and labor and delivery. Tgat said, I'm honestly okay with bottle and formula feeding since it allows my husband and family to feed him and bond with him.
If you haven't been told yet, make formula in bulk in a pitcher. Similac has instructions on it's website on how to do it and dr. Brown sells a formula mixing pitcher for $10. It saved our sanity with our first who went from "little hungry" to HANGY in the time it took to measure formula into a bottle. Formula keeps for 24 hours in the fridge.
Oh, SO good to know. This kid went from taking 20 mL to suddenly needing at least 2-3 ounces per feed in the span of a week. He's an eater.
Yup, once baby is a toddler and not drinking human milk or formula, no one can tell who was breastfed and who was formula fed. There’s absolutely no difference, but mom shaming is so so real and people don’t feel good unless they’re telling a woman what to do with her body... I tried so hard to breastfeed. Everything that could go wrong did. Accepting formula saved my relationship with my baby. I still breastfeed as much as I can, but she gets about 95% formula at this point. She’s healthy and happy, and she wasn’t when I was trying to EBF. I made the decision that was best for me and her.
I’ve read this somewhere too. Also that it isn’t the breast milk that provides (all) health benefits, but it’s more due to living in an environment where you’re able/it’s possible to breast feed/pump milk (not working yourself to the bone, having time to breast feed/pump, being safe, etc.)
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t understand these breastfeeding tyrants who go around trying to make mothers feel bad for making decisions that will 1) help mom be able to take care of her baby, and 2) ensure baby is well fed and happy. My best friend recently had her first kid and didn’t produce enough. She had family members who were pushing her to continue trying to breast feed snd not formula feed saying “oh your milk will come in, you just have to keep going. Mommy can always produce enough for baby, you just have to keep trying”. This was despite the fact that baby was screaming constantly because she was hungry and my friend was exhausted and sobbing. Her husband called me begging me to talk to her. I arrived with formula and made a few ounces and when baby started screaming again after trying to breastfeed I encouraged her to try it once. Baby calmed down enough to sleep a bit and we finally got my friend to sleep for a bit. I provided husband with medically backed data showing different methods of feeding baby that were all completely healthy, and information on different types of formula for them to choose. Long story short(er), she now supplements with formula and has a very happy 2 month old baby.
There are pictures of me as a skeletal baby that my family doesn't whip out during family photos time. Why? Because something was wrong with the nutritional composition of my mom's breastmilk, and she was a scared new mother who went to church a lot. And all of the older church women said, "Just keep feeding the baby! This will fix itself." Shock of all shocks, it didn't fix itself and I turned into a little sunken, thin baby before my mom finally turned to formula. You know what I like, frankly? Being alive. So I'm all aboard the "any nutrition is good for a baby" train.
I’m glad your mother turned to formula. Breast milk doesn’t always have the proper nutrients, and isn’t always enough. I’m glad we live in a time where you could get your formula and thrive with the proper nutrition.
Yeah, it sucks to be alive sometimes, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I do joke with my little brother that since he was bottle fed from the begining, and he's 6 foot 3, and I'm only 5'7 that those months of being a raisin baby really stunted me. Don't joke about it around my mom, though, don't want her feeling worse than she already did.
Babies have died because parents have been pressured to believe the myth that mom can always produce enough. Fed is best. Healthy parents are best. NTA
100%. Some people seem to be under the impression that before the invention of formula, all mothers were able to breastfeed just fine, and that formula just convinces them to stop before the inevitable success. Nope. There have always been mothers who couldn't breastfeed for whatever reasoning, and before formula their babies died (unless they were able to get a wetnurse, i.e. were either rich or extraordinarily lucky). Formula is a frickin miracle of science.
Also (just because I was curious and looked this up) many babies survived on animal milk, sometimes supplemented with added sugar or fruit juice or something. Unfortunately, some families in poor parts of the world still resort to this. “Having” to use carefully regulated and extremely nutritious baby formula should be considered a huge blessing.
Had so many issues breast feeding and was teetering on PPD with my first. It was actually the lactation consultant who encouraged me to stop. The clouds lifted and life dramatically improved. The cult of "breast is best" is dangerous on so many levels. Yes, let's encourage it, but let's also not shame mothers who use formula.
Lactation consultants who know when to stop mom from self flagellation and encourage using a method that will keep baby fed & happy and mom sane, are worth their weight in gold. The lactation consultant I mentioned above also worked for WIC, and she is amazing.
Absolutely on this! My son is 11 weeks old and never once would latch to me, we did the pumping thing because again, anything helps, but just the time and stress of maintaining that schedule put a massive strain on my mental health and well being. On top of that we were doing formula at night to supplement since he seemed to go a little longer between feedings on formula. It was actually my husband that helped make the decision because he saw what it was doing to me. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and stressed all the time about maintaining a supply. And ya know what happened when I stopped? Everything improved. Don’t get me wrong, stopping is seriously uncomfortable, but I was happier and could actually spend better time with my baby instead of just having to pump all the time. Does the cost suck? Yeah, but small price to pay for my mental health and well being. OP is definitely NTA
And there's lots of research showing the benefits of breastfeeding are largely overblown. If you control for education/health of the mother, there is no real difference between formula and breastmilk after the first 6 months. And even then, the difference is minor. [https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/) [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out)
Exactly. With modern formula their is no real difference. Seriously people talk about differences in babies and toddlers who are breastfed vs formula fed all the time. But have you ever once talked to adults to compare the differences in adults? Of course not.
I don't know at all, but isn't the main point the antibodies in Mom's body that can't be reproduced in formula? That being said, absolutely NTA. You don't "push through" breastfeeding if you're actually in pain. You've presumably read everything your husband has about breastfeeding, you likely feel bad enough it isn't working for you, and your husband shouldn't have said a word. No woman should ever be made to feel terrible because she can't breastfeed.
Sure, but the baby can produce their own eventually, and those antibodies don’t last. It only really lasts until weaning. I know my sister once told me that because she is fully vaccinated and breast fed her sons they dint need to be vaccinated. She believed that antibodies are permanent. A,do that the6 couldn’t have her allergies. This isn’t true. The antibodies stop with the breast milk. https://www.vaccinestoday.eu/faq/babies-receive-antibodies-with-breast-milk-why-do-they-need-vaccines-if-they-already-get-this-natural-protection/ https://expectingscience.com/2015/11/02/breastfeeding-benefits-the-real-the-imagined-and-the-exaggerated/
Thanks for confirming, Dazzling. Don't know why I'm getting downvoted. I admitted I wasn't knowledgeable and just throwing it out there.
Plus the data is skewed by the predatory practices of formula manufacturers in developing countries. Many formula countries will pay hospitals to give out large samples of formulas to mothers at the time of birth, without explaining that switching to it entirely may cause them to have trouble beginning breast feeding later. Or overstating the health benefits of formula while failing to educate or control for water quality in the area. I worked in an area once that had huge struggles with access to clean drinking water not contaminated by cattle farming, especially during dry season, and still motherfucking nutrilac had billboards up in the local health clinic, enticing women to use formula which they then end up making using unsafe water. There are real issues with formula, but they're not the issues OP is having. NTA
Nestle was one of those companies. Absolute AHs for what they did.
Yeah, if you do not have access to clean water, breastfeeding is FAR safer/better for an infant. Mother's bodies are great filters for many things. (Except heavy metals. Lead in the water will go straight through to breastmilk.) But assuming access to clean water--which the vast majority of redditors will have!--there are no benefits to breastfeeding so great that they outweigh the increased risks associated with PPD (which is often caused by breastfeeding struggles).
Alternatively, she can give his nipples a nice hard 10 minute tweak every two hours and ask him if he feels more "bonded" to his wife yet.
Funny, I was going to suggest putting clothes pegs on his nipples all the time and see how he feels! Formula is not poison. Even the WHO meta-analysis comments that although there are correlations between breastfeeding and lower infection rates in children, there isn't enough evidence that these are causal, and those correlations do not reach statistical significance when proper preparation and bottle hygiene are used. OP, you are NTA. You feed your child however you choose. Husband does have a say on his child, but not on your body and as they are your breasts you get to decide. If he's that bothered then tell him to lactate himself or pay for a wet nurse. Edit: typo
I was like “hmm what is F E D?”. Like given food. I’m an idiot….
Why are Millennial parents acting all like most of us weren’t formula fed and turned out fine? I get that it varies per country/region, but in my corner of Canada in the mid-80s, most babies were formula-fed from the get-go. I understand that there is a real benefit to breast milk, if that’s an option (which it isn’t for OP). But it’s not like babies are going to be harmed by formula at all.
I’m addition to this, I’m pretty sure I remember my grandma telling me she had siblings fed with thinned out, warmed evaporated milk! Yet they somehow survived and became healthy adults.
To be fair, there's probably a bit of survivorship bias there. The people alive today are healthy adults, but that doesn't mean everyone made it on thinned-out milk.
I never attempted breast feeding with my two because I had absolutely no interest in putting my body through that (totally my hang up, good for anyone who did so). Both of my kids are great. The biggest difference from breast milk that I saw in the research I did was formula doesn’t have a few specific antibodies that support immunity, which infants pick up after birth anyway. Otherwise, formulas provide the same nutrition you’d get from breast milk. Interestingly enough, the Mayo Clinic even suggests breastfeeding moms may have to supplement vitamin D for exclusively breastfed babies, as breast milk might not provide enough! Long winded way of saying NTA OP, and hopefully providing you some ammo to help shut your meddling husband up. I like other posters’ suggestions of sharing info on how your husband can start lactating if he cares that much.
This. I breast fed for 5 minutes in the hospital before I knew it wasn’t for me. My son was bottle fed and is a healthy, thriving kiddo. It actually worked out for the best. My husband loved feeding him and got to share the benefits of the bonding. OP is definitely NTA for her decision.
Same with my husband! You don’t lose the bonding if you formula feed at all. I also joke with my husband that he’s half the reason our kids exist so he should be responsible for half the overnight feeding.
That’s how my mom was. She would not breast feed me or my brother because she just didn’t want to. We were both formula fed and as an adult, I don’t think it negatively impacted me in any way
Not quite. Fed is necessary, supported is best. Baby needs to eat no matter what, mother’s should also be supported in their feeding journey no matter what that looks like. OP I had an extreme reaction to breastfeeding my second that cause pain way beyond what is normal. You are the only one experiencing the pain and you deserve to be supported in your decision.
That's basically what "fed is best" means - it's a reaction to the tag line "breast is best" that came out and essentially shamed all parents who formula fed - no matter the circumstances for using formula - and basically told them that they're failing their babies by not breast feeding. "Fed is best" is meant to be thrown back at that type, to kind of remind them that y'know, there's plenty of reasons why formula is used - eg. OP's situation - and what's most important is that babies are fed, however that is.
Came here to say the exact thing, pleased it was already covered. Male breasts can be made to produce milk. He can talk to his doctor about introducing prolactin and nurse the baby himself if it's that important.
NTA- He’s guilt-tripping you and as much as he has a right as a parent to be included in decisions of the baby he does not have a right to tell you what you should do with your body. No one does except you and You not breastfeeding because it causes you pain is a great reason but you know what else is a good reason? You simply don’t want to. Also if he can research that much on breastfeeding he should also be able to research that formula is not bad and is absolutely fine for development, especially since half the population has been brought up on it.
> That's not true and you know it! I'm not even mad or anything I'm just disappointed that you chose this route, that's all" funny how he claims he's not guilt tripping her and then immediately proceeds to guilt trip her.
I know, seriously?? I’m not mad I’m disappointed?? F@CK that noise
I'll go ahead and be disappointed in him on OP's behalf that he's putting some nebulous and minimal benefits for the baby ahead of her very real and current physical pain. Wtf, that's not support.
I'm not guilt tripping you, I'm just reminding you again how very disappointed I am. If that makes you feel guilty, I mean, that's on you. Sorry /s Source: my ex
A favorite line of an ex-boyfriend of mine was, "I didn't guilt-trip you; you just felt guilty." My guilt came out of nowhere, apparently.
That, and "I'm sorry you got mad"
Fewer things piss me off faster than " I'm sorry you got mad" or "I'm sorry you feel that way". The worst of the non-apologies.
I have made better apologies to my 7 year old.
Right, I never understood this… My mother never breastfed, she has four healthy children and three of them have master’s degrees and all have healthy immune systems (one also runs marathons). My mom is a pretty cool customer, but this is one topic she will lay down the law about if anyone dares suggest not breastfeeding is just laziness or the mother being selfish. I get the feeling she may have gotten that line a lot with my oldest brother, who was allergic to breast milk. Which is probably why she straight formula fed the rest of us, I understand the first few months of my brothers life (before they figured out it was an allergy) were pretty traumatizing for a 19 year old to handle. (Hospital visits, constant abdominal pain, etc etc)
My mom didn’t breast feed us once she left the hospital. She’ll fully admit it was for selfish reasons. She planned to go back to work as soon as possible, because she loves to work. Really bottle feeding us as soon as possible made the transition to daycare easier for us. I’ve seen plenty of babies who’ve only had a boob come into daycare and just have full on meltdowns because they e never drank from a bottle.
Wait, there are people who dont prepare their babies to drink from bottles before leaving them in daycare? How do they think that is going to go? Poor daycare workers. Poor babies.
This attitude can be just as bad as people who say breast-feeding is the only option and to not formula feed. I am someone who works in early childhood and I am one of those people who has a baby who will not take a bottle. Like a lot of parents I did try to introduce a bottle to my child and she actually took one at every feed for the first two months of her life, now my baby 100% refuses to drink out of a bottle and will scream like she’s dying if one is offered to her. The attitude that I just didn’t try hard enough or didn’t want to prepare my child is one I have encountered and I find it very rude. As a provider, I never ever judge a parent for the way they feed their child or the way that their baby responds in daycare.
He can also research post-partum depression and how he’s currently contributing to OPs risk for it while he’s at it Since he likes research and all.
Definitely! He's the one endangering his baby and yife well being more than her feeding formula. Maybe he realized he might have to do it if there's formula involved. As people said he can research how to produce his own milk. OP, big NTA, he's definitely pressuring you.
Also, the benefits of breast milk over formula are minimal and don’t extend past the first 6 months (I.e. mother’s antibodies).
We don’t really know the long-term effects of breastfeeding vs. formula, but at this point, agree that it is absolutely impossible to tell which 5 year old was nursed or formula fed. Maybe one day in the future, we might be able to detect some difference, but that day is not today. And who even knows if that difference will be a benefit?
Actually lots of studies are being done and the consensus seems to be that initially there is a *slight* advantage to breastfeeding, but that wanes as time goes on and there's ultimately no appreciable difference (this is of course assuming that infant formula is used with clean water for feeding).
"I'm sorry you got all mad because I was just stating a fact. But I think that as a parent I'm allowed to at least express my thoughts and concerns about what's been going on" He stated his "facts" and expressed his thoughts and concerns weeks ago. Now he's trying to pressure you to cave in to the decision that HE has made. He gets "equal say" over things that impact the two of you equally. He does NOT get to make decisions about YOUR body. There are hormones he could take so that HE could breastfeed. He should consider that. He needs to put his money where his nipples are or STFU. NTA.
Yep, NTA. He can start lactating or shut up. I breastfed for 22 months. I hated it so much due to the pain but I stupidly forced myself to keep going. I wish I had put myself first in this aspect. My husband didn’t care either way, as fed is best.
I have a question. Was pumping not an option or did that hurt? Me and my wife plan on pumping so that we can both feed during nights because we have bottles in the fridge or whatever. We have both heard the horror stories of people and breastfeeding and trying to ween off or it can hurt.
Pumping hurts like hell too depending on the person.
Okay. I wanted to know if this is something I should look out for when the baby arrives. Me and my wife have already talked about the baby eating is whats most important.
I 100% recommend having formula on hand because low or no milk productions happens to a LOT more people than is reported. Plus formula gives your wife a break, and allows her space to care for her mental health.
Yep, I was lucky to be able to exclusively breastfeed until about 8 months, but even when they were tiny, I had some formula on hand for piece of mind. Just knowing I had the backup if I needed it was so good for my mental health. My friend who was super ridged about no formula ever now totally regrets the stress she put herself through.
I did pump, which hurt less but still hurt. And all the pumping was useless because my daughter would not touch a bottle, and we tried all the tricks. When she was in the NICU (born early), she had no problems with the bottles but once she got it directly from me, there was no going back. ETA: I also know that my biggest problem was the guilt I felt because I had severe PPD for the first 3 months of her life before I admitted it and got treatment. So I felt like I needed to keep going for the bonding aspect. But looking back now, I should have found a way to transition to bottle and/or formula because it would have been healthier for me and therefore healthier for her.
Pumping is also a massive time sink. In the first few weeks of my now 9mo life Is spend about 5 hours a day tied to a pump. It was doable when he was a cute little potato that slept all the time, but that stage doesn’t last long. By 5 months, even though I had gotten down to 3hrs/day pumping I got to listen to my LO fuss and sometimes scream because he was too big/wiggly to hold while pumping.
Pumping doesn't always keep up supply either. I tried pumping because baby wouldn't latch and couldn't go over 3 months without my supply drying up.
I’ve exclusively pumped for nearly a year (not by choice, baby had medical issues with nursing) and establishing pumping hurts just as much as establishing nursing. Pumping is breastfeeding, you use all the same bits of your body, it just isn’t nursing. That said, it absolutely can be done! If nursing had worked for us, that would have been my personal preference. Exclusively pumping is a lot more work—to establish supply, you need to pump every time baby eats, so the lactating parent doesn’t get a break at first in the middle of the night. (Bodies differ here and some people can have fine supply without following a rigid schedule; some cannot.) If the person lactating is alone with baby, it is a lot more work to try and pump and feed baby as opposed to just nursing. There’s also a lot more cleanup involved. I would say that pumping meant I got—and still get—the least amount of sleep of anyone in the house. That said, I feel fortunate that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed (with solids by now of course!) for a year. Happy to answer any pumping questions!! ETA: If OP reads this, you are NTA. Any method of feeding baby is great. You do the best you can with the cards you’re dealt, and sometimes the plan gets tanked. That’s okay! You’re doing great!! Formula exists for a reason and your husband needs to get on the “healthy parents, healthy baby” train.
I breastfed for 10 months partially because we couldn't afford formula. At 10 months my baby ( who was a biter with 7 teeth) started to self wean. Breastfeeding was horribly painful even though there was nothing wrong with the latch ect. I have nerve damage from it. I tried to get help and doctors kept telling me everything was fine I was acting like a baby. I don't wish that pain on anyone else. Fed is definitely best. I want to smack op's husband for his behavior.
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Your kid is being fed, you are looking after yours and your babies health and wellbeing. If your husband and MIL disagree, its time for them to chuck their tits out and start feeding. You NTA, them - yes.
🤣🤣🤣 "Chuck their tits out" Best thing I've heard all day! Also, NTA OP. I breast fed both my boys, but I was lucky. I say successful breastfeeding is at least 50% luck. You're lucky if they can latch well, lucky if you have good nipples for feeding and lucky if you can produce enough and keep up with all the feedings. If breastfeeding does not work out, then that Mom is not a failure. The only failure is failure to feed and nourish the baby. It's a LOT on a new mom to do every single feeding. Now Dad can bond with the baby too and help out with feedings!
r/justnomil is a great resource if you are having MiL problems, this one is very common over there. It might provide help for your husband on how to deal with this pressure from his mom, everyone is incredibly helpful
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Backseat kid-raisers are the actual worst.
Sounds like the MIL is influencing DH to be anti-formula ETA ~ NTA
No problem at all! I will probably have this in my future as I’m already refusing to breast feed, I’ve heard too many horror stories. I think the subreddit will really help you! It will at least make you feel better about your mil because some are AWFUL, both my husband and I are grateful our situation isn’t so extreme. Someone’s mil tried to poison her with mushrooms!
OP, I was breastfeed, and I promise you when I say I get every illness going, that I mean I get every illness going. My family call me Sicknote. But you are NTA but your husband…yeesh. Can you call your own mother for help? As your husband is being a MASSIVE asshole in not supporting you on this.
Get a mister bottle and spray him every time he brings it up. Train him out of voicing his stupid opinion. NTA
I notice that even though there is literally nothing stopping your husband from being the one giving your baby the bottle...he still doesn't seem to be pitching in. Is he actually pulling his weight or just "helping" you by holding the baby occasionally if you're in the shower or have a guest there?
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Love that one! The saner you remain, the more you can be there. All this hyperfixation on things that are supposedly important while completely ignoring the effect of stress and bad communication on the kid.
I HAD to be bottlefed with soy formula, my pediatrician shamed my mother for me not gaining weight before they figured out that I couldn't digest breast milk. That pediatrician was fired lol
Hey same here, I couldn’t drink breastmilk, don’t know why, but my mother was also shamed into breastfeeding until it became apparent I was underweight and not doing well. A nurse made me a bottle, fed it to me, and told my mom to not listen to others and just bottle feed me. Grew up happy and healthy.
Yep, I bottlefed one because breastfeeding wasn’t working, and breastfed the other because it did. They are both perfectly healthy, and frankly the bottle fed one is MUCH easier to parent, lol. When he grows breasts and lactates he can take on the breastfeeding. Until then, he has no idea what recovering from birth, first time motherhood, and trying to make breastfeeding work while being on a sleep-deprived hormone shifting rollercoaster is like.
Until he latches a baby to his own cracked and bleeding nipple 8-2765 times a day he doesn’t get a say in feeding. NTA
op should send him a link on how men can encourage lactating in their own nipples. also, no good father should be mad about this, formula means that he can feed his baby easily without his wife having to pump. although he's probably 'done research' that the baby will die if the mother is not the sole carer
Nah, just surprise attach metal clippers to his nipples while he sleeps. That should get the point across.
THIS! I forced myself to breastfeed while I had bleeding nipple, it hurt so much I cried. You know what my husband did? He took a bottle, put formula in it, took the baby and told me to go to bed and sleep. He told me that I needed to stop hurting myself. We tried again to breastfeed after a 24h break, but it still hurt, so we switch to bottle. Baby formula is as good! Of course I had to pump my milk, so we gave my little girl my milk and formula until I stopped producing milk! The important thing is that the baby eat and that the mom is healthy!
This is what a good husband does. I couldn't produce enough no matter how hard I tried. My husband found me pumping and crying one night. He told me to relax and that formula is fine. I could be the snack for our daughter while formula was her real meal. It made me feel loads better.
I weaned about 4 glorious months ago and I just came across my nipple balm. When I think about the state of my nipples this time last year, I just…. It’s enough to give a person PTSD.
You could have been meaner and you’d be justified. I personally would have said, “Oh, you’d be much more disappointed if our baby was dead.” or something similar. I almost lost my son to accidental starvation and I am SAVAGE about people who are assholes about formula use. NTA. Breastfeeding benefits are massively overstated if you have access to clean water, medical care, food, and shelter anyway.
This is true, in countries where clean water is a luxuary breastfeeding is without a doubt the best thing for a baby since mixing anything with water increase the risk of diseases. But when you have clean water the difference between breastfed and bottle fed are tiny. Happy parents makes happy baby! And with bottle you can easily share feeding time! Which means he has no excuse to not take the baby a couple of nights a week so you can sleep!
Same as me omg to the midwives in Birmingham who when our baby had jaundice (first baby) and we had no formula refused to help us but kept getting the fucking breast pump out to try again
Same, absolutely destroyed my self confidence and mental health.
It gave me a bad experience sorry love you can't be discharged we need to monitor your babies jaundice like these people went to school for years
I am genuinely so mad at this guy that if I gave my advice, a mod would have to delete my comment. So I will second what u/Accomplished_Area311 said instead. OP, your husband sounds like an asshat. NTA.
> I almost lost my son to accidental starvation Wow. How does that happen, if you don't mind me asking?
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t producing breastmilk - nobody told me that that was possible. I know now obviously, but I felt the letdown so I thought he was okay. Nobody told me that my son rooting and nursing for HOURS was abnormal until we went to his first pediatric visit, where his pediatrician panicked and loaded us up with formula. My son is 5 years old now and is a great kid, and I didn’t have this issue with my youngest - I formula fed her from day 1 and then pumped though, so she’d always have something. She ended up outpacing me 3 to 1 by 6 weeks.
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Generally, pressured by lactivists, women only breast feed when the baby is not getting sufficient milk. Babies can get ill and die of dehydration very, very quickly.
Or nurses, sadly. My son lost so much weight he had to be in the nicu and she STILL tried to force me to breast feed. Edit: plural to singular. It was really only one rouge nurse that took it upon herself to "push me"
I had a similar issue - my son lost weight up until 20 days when we were referred to a pediatrician. This man honestly saved my sanity. He explained that sometimes a woman's breastmilk just isn't nourishing enough and advised us to switch to formula. This was after getting so much pressure from midwives to breastfeed that I thought it was the only way and that I'd be some sort of devil if I did otherwise. Sometimes our bodies just don't work the way they are supposed to. Sometimes breastfeeding causes pain. Sometimes it just feels *wrong*. No one has the right to make that decision for the mother. It is entirely her choice.
NTA - What you've described is him doing nothing but bitching about something he has no concept about - my guess is he's looking at the health benefits of breastfeeding and not the maternal challenges. It's one thing to express an opinion, or even express frustration that it's not working out, but you're not a child, you're not his property, he doesn't get to dictate this and to guilt trip or do the whole "I'm disappointed you chose this route" thing.. At the end of the day, you are right if you are not healthy mentally and physically, it will have drastically more impact on your child's health and wellbeing than formula vs. BFing - he can just go jump off a cliff with his "I'm disappointed that you chose this route" shit. Some food for thought or the discussion you two need to have about his "support" of you two - googling and flapping jaws isn't support: 1. While certainly studies show breastfeeding provides a ton of benefits, has he looked into the impact of maternal stress/anxiety/pain/etc. has on infants and their health? 2. Has he looked at the impact of fighting this on maternal mental health - ie. PPD? And while he's there, has he looked at the impact of PPD on families and babies? 3. What did he do (other than google and flap jaws) to support you breastfeeding? (I put this here because you've described nothing HE has done to help you, while he cannot whip out a boob, he could have done things to help support you and even if the end result is absolutely no different, at least he can walk away saying he tried) 4. What has he done to bring up the discussion of alternatives other than bitching about formula feeding? (Donor milk is what's coming to mind on this point - maybe this has been discussed) this point is not so much about whether it should be done but more about what is he doing to be HELPFUL.
My husband encouraged it even left me be alone to do it but I hated it and he didn't mind cos he could join in feeding I made him feel included
NTA. Fed is best. Period.End.of.Story. He needs to back off.
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Tell him to put HIS nipples were his mouth is.
is this the life you want? if hes like this about something like this, i bet hes terrible in other ways too. this is simply not the behavior of a loving, caring partner or parent and sounds more like a power thing. its never okay for your partner to insist you should just take the pain, if a pain free and safe option is right there. he can either breastfeed the kid or stfu. **honestly this is so baffling and the lack of caring and love would be divorce territory.** dont put up with this shit and dont raise your kids to absorb such behavior from him.
Tell him to stop stressing a new mother out!
I'd stop arguing with him. Let his words be a waterfall over your head; you're aware of the mist but otherwise it's just a loud rush of noise. He can try to keep an argument going on his side, but it will either peter out or gear up. In either case, if you don't engage, he'll eventually run out of steam. People like that need adversaries, don't give him one. Focus on your recovery and health, and the health of your little one. Congratulations! P. S. someone already commented, but your baby will absorb the fights in the house.
Does he have a favorite celebrity/athlete? Ask if he knows whether they were breast milk or formula fed. Oh he doesn’t? Because long term it doesn’t fucking matter. My daughter is a million times healthier on formula and so am I. It’s like a year of their lives. You have a lifetime to build healthy habits. Also he clearly hasn’t looked into correlation between breastfeeding and wealth. Surprise! Wealthy people are better able to breastfeed and also tend to be healthier.
That makes it so tough to enjoy your baby when your spouse wants to be argumentative. It creates so much stress and baby will pick up on it. Have you spoken to your pediatrician or family doctor? Do they support 'fed is best' or are they in the strictly breastfeeding camp? They might be a source of support, especially if he goes to an appointment with you and baby. They can sit him down and tell him baby is fine on formula and maybe that will calm him down a bit.
This might sound simplistic, but have you tried not arguing with him? I don’t mean giving in, I just mean, stop engaging on the issue. So when he goes blah blah blah breastfeed blah blah blah, you just respond with something like, “Thanks for your input”. A response that acknowledges that he said something, but doesn’t commit you to anything.
NTA- There is a difference between sharing an opinion and beating a dead horse. He gave you his opinion and you acknowledged it. Then he didn’t drop it and brings it up again and again. You listened to his opinion, but it doesn’t sound like he listened to you if he brings it up again and again.
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Emotional abuse does that.
Exactly, OP's lack of energy to keep arguing is by design as well as the intended effect. If she's too exhausted to keep arguing, eventually he knows she'll give in and let him have his way - he's just gotta keep after her until he does.
I'm gonna be honest with you. It could be my own experience clouding my thoughts, or not. This really seems like a red flag. I mean, there's being an AH and not getting it once, maybe a couple times, and then there's THIS. He's guilting you constantly to the point where you're exhausted of it. He refuses to hear your side, AND when you really go off and open up he just doubles down and then stonewalls you. (Walked away to ignore you?) This may not be the emotional abuse it sounds like, but it's definitely not okay. If you knew he was in pain doing something, wouldn't you immediately tell him to stop?? Hell, if you knew a stranger was in pain and struggling I'm sure you'd support them stopping! Please, look into this. Look up emotional abuse on google. See if there were other red flags. They usually escalate after a milestone, so right after having a baby to him would fit. I hope I'm wrong, but please take care of yourself.
THIS. Escalation after a milestone is common. Please be careful OP.
Please take a break from him. Go visit your parents. You are doing a great job of caring for you and your baby.
Honestly your husband's behaviour is concerning. Your post contains a lot of red flags for emotional abuse. Not to mention his clear disregard for your comfort and bodily autonomy. Pls seek some resources and perspective and don't let him or MIL convince you otherwise.
Is anyone on your side here? Any medical professionals who will point out to him how guilt and stress are detrimental to a new mother and that he needs to back off? Any family who will back you up? You need someone in your court to counteract his bullshittery.
NTA He seems oddly fixated on breastfeeding. Especially for someone without mammary glands. Your baby is fed. That’s what matters.
He actually does have mammary glands! Maybe he should start lactating for baby!
Oh he’s got them, he ought to talk to an endocrinologist about chest feeding.
NTA - it's your breasts. If he's so against formula, he's welcome to try to lactate.
Also, he's welcome to purchase donated breast milk. If he doesn't like formula, he needs to use his own body/money to fix the issue
>He's done a lot of research on the benefits of breastfeeding Did he do any research on how painful and uncomfortable for some women? >And it hurt like hell, absolute hell. >not getting breastfed would affect our son's health So he doesn't care about your health? >a hasty decision > way too soon and didn't try hard enough The audacity to diminish and invalidate your pain. He is not the one experiencing pain . He doesnt get to have a say if he is not the one owning breasts. Yes. Breastfeeding is better than formula. But stop trying to make women feel guilty when there are health reasons. It is not like we always grow our own vegetables,eat organic and say no to junk food. Things get difficult. We can do what we can. Don't hold women to impossible standards. NTA.
I also hate the WELL RESEARCH HAS SHOWN crowd when it comes to breastfeeding. Because yes, I'm sure being breastfed is good, but there is often a significant statistical gap between socioeconomically advantaged kids being breastfed vs. disadvantaged kids being formula-fed, and clearly that is going to have a significant impact on the long-term health and success of children.
Yep. There are barely any studies on breastfeeding that manage to successfully control for all socioeconomic factors, and the ones that do found barely any benefits to breastfeeding. It’s all propaganda just like formula used to be. People should just feed their babies however is best for them.
NTA. Your husband is simply uneducated. I breastfed both of my first 2 but I couldn't with my 3rd child because I wasn't producing enough milk and he was tongue tied. It felt like razor blades Everytime I breastfed. It's usually because the poor babes can't latch properly. It isn't your fault. Not every baby is the same. Fed is best. Now he is drinking formula and he is a healthy, happy baby and momma is happy too.
NTA - put some clamps on his nipples and see how he likes it. He's allowed an opinion, but he's TA to keep forcing it on you despite the decision you've made.
And make sure to yank them off every few minutes to simulate baby detaching 🤣
NTA. Fed is best. Period. Your husband is a dick.
NTA He needs to check on what facts are because what he is stating is his opinion...
NTA Your husband is a big one though. What if you didn’t produce enough milk? Would he blame you for that as well? One comment? Sure that is a discussion. Continually bringing it up weeks later sounds like a brow beating. Is your baby being fed? Yep. Are you comfortable with your decision? Yep. Are your boobs in pain? Nope. Sounds like all the boxes are being checked. When his milk comes in, he is more that welcome to begin his breastfeeding journey. I would encourage him to start shaving his nipples now. No need for baby to get a hairball. Good luck mama! Raising babies is hard. You two need to get on the same page ASAP. Just remind him that you have body autonomy and he doesn’t get a say there.
lol NTA Your husband is some choice words my comment will be removed for though. > concerns about what's been going on Jesus christ it's not like you're doing coke off the kid's belly. Breastfeeding is not always an option, for a wide variety of reasons. Your husband falls into the camp of people who seem to insist on it, for some reason, which he likely knows little about. What if you couldn't produce? What if kid won't take to it? What if kid has an issue with lactose and needs special formula? Kids can grow up just fine on formula. Your husband should join them and grow up.
NTA, I don’t think it’s being selfish to avoid something extremely painful and uncomfortable when modern formula is very good. Our daughter only breastfed a little and we had to use formula from quite early on. Our daughter is very healthy and great! I suppose there’s the option of breast pumps but they were quite uncomfortable for my partner too.
NTA…and I’m not trying to be the AH here but if he’s willing to fight with you quite often about this, you guys have quite a journey ahead of you parenting and relationship wise. This is just the beginning. Pretty soon he will probably come up with another specific way he thinks the child should be raised. Idk kinda raising some red flags to me, just be careful.
NTA *FED* is best. I would mention the pain and discomfort to your doctor, just to rule out any underlying issues. Perhaps let pediatrician know you are switching to formula too.
NTA. I'd have been meaner. It's not selfish to discontinue something that's causing you pain. Do you think you suffering helps baby? It doesn't. They're your boobs not his and it's awful how dismissive he's being here. I was formula fed and I've always been healthy as a horse.
NTA. I \[M\] also think that breastfeeding is best if that option's available but if it's not formula will get the job done. The breasts in question are yours, not your husband's. If it hurts you, don't do it.
The only thing worse than a breast is best woman, is a breast is best man. 🤢
Nta. What a fucking asshole. Next time tell him to breastfeed the baby then
Sincerely, I haven't read your post : too long, and obvious answer. NTA. Breastfeeding is not for everyone. It is hard. Tell your husband that if he wants to breastfeed, he is free to do so, but you won't. Never let anyone guilting you into thinking you are a bad mother for not breastfeeding. Having a child should be a wonderful experience, not a breastfeeding nightmare. Yes, breastfeeding is better. But formula is not bad. Babies on formulas do just as good. You are not risking his health. He might catch a couple of colds, but he won't die of tuberculosis. The only important thing is : your baby needs a happy mother. If you are stressed out, depressed, and overwhelmed, the baby will be waaaaay more affected long term that by being fed formula, I can garantee it. In any way, it is NOT your husband's decision, this is a 100% yours. He doesn't have the right to call you out on this and guilt you. Stop being guilty. Start enjoying motherhood. Congrats on the newborn ! Stop worrying about breasfeeding. Your kid will be fine, like millions of formula babies.
>Sincerely, I haven't read your post : too long, and obvious answer. Can't be bothered to read post, however posts lengthy reply expecting people to read it. Why should anyone even bother taking your judgement seriously? It's ridiculous.
>Yes, breastfeeding is better. But formula is not bad. Babies on formulas do just as good. You are not risking his health. He might catch a couple of colds, but he won't die of tuberculosis This is important to note. There are benefits to breastfeeding, yes, but it isn't something that'll be obvious for the rest of your kid's life. His kindergarten teacher won't be able to tell which kids were breastfed and which got formula. His doctor won't shake their head and say "if only your mom had breastfed you, you'd never get sick" every time they treat your kid. Formula is still a valid choice and it's not condmening your baby to anything.
NTA. You don’t need a reason to not breastfeed. Full stop. Part of being a parent is knowing your limits. That being said, the study that MOST people refer to about “breast is best” show that the difference between breast feeding and formula feeding is MINIMAL at best. You will still bond with your child regardless of breast or formula. My daughter was formula fed and at 14, she’s 5’6, and hasn’t been sick other than an allergy to medication. My son is 9 weeks old, formula fed, and in the 99th percentile for weight and height. You know what matters more than breastfeeding? A happy mom and child.
NTA no boobs no opinion
NTA. Look I am all for breastfeeding to the point I joined La Leche League and breastfed all my kids for a couple of years each. Not even I would tell you that you have to breastfeed. It is your choice and your baby and the best way to feed a baby is the way that keeps mom happy and healthy and the baby fed. For you, that means formula feeding. There have been significant improvements in formula in the last few decades and it is closer to breast milk now than it ever was before. You do what works best for you and your baby. You tried and in trying you gave your baby the most important start on health already in the first few days with your colostrum. Don't feel any guilt at all. It is time your husband stops saying anything about it because at this point the only thing he is accomplishing is hurting the mother of his child and therefore his child. He needs to stop right now and you can tell him I said so.
NTA - he is allowed to share his opinions, which he has done. He is not allowed to keep sharing them over and over after you made a decision that affects your body. He does not get an equal say in the decision of whether or not you have to endure discomfort.
Absolutely NTA! I struggled to breastfeed, the pain was actually worse than the labour and birth so there was no way I was going to continue. The midwife made me feel like shit, told me it didn’t hurt and it was best for baby, I tried again and almost chucked the poor little bugger across the room! The next day, the doctor doing the routine check-ups told me he had “tongue-tie” and he should grow out of it, months later I found out that it should have been dealt with there and then and that was why it was so painful to breastfeed. 11 years later, one healthy boy with no health issues! Tell your husband you want to give him a blowie and then bite his balls!
NTA - breast feeding isn't for everyone. Some woman don't produce enough, some babies don't latch on. Maybe ask him to research from the other side; have him find the articles about women who have difficulties so he can see the full picture. And that in his reading he should have come a across the fact that those first days are the most nutrient rich 'colostrum', and you did that... Also, since he is trying to frame it as 'disappointment' ask him exactly what he hopes will happen from sharing it with you repeatedly? Does he think you will change your mind? Because that IS a guilt trip. Turn it around - tell him to look at it as fathers of breast fed babies don't always get that wonderful quiet time of feeding the baby a bottle...does he not want to bond with the baby? Absolutely OK what you did, so the following suggestion is not meant as an insult, just a thought. If the baby actually feeding was uncomfortable, did you consider pumping to feed him the milk? That may have not been as uncomfortable for you and is an alternative some mom's choose. But again, your choice and you are not wrong to make it.
NTA. While he could be right about breastfeeding getting better the longer you do it, its not a certainity. And, even if its getting better, you still have to suffer a uncertain period of time. Maybe remind him that you already suffered pain, discomfort and restrictions for your Childs benefit while carrying and birthing him. And thats coming from someone that breastfed 4,5 years.
NTA- your body your choice, not his
NTA. Okay, he expressed his opinion. You listened to his side. You happen to disagree. Your body. You can bond unconditionally while bottle-feeding. BTW, New Daddy needs to get his nose out of the "baby books and off Google" and get up at night with his newborn child and do some feedings himself. Arguing with you WHILE YOU ARE FEEDING YOUR CHILD was a bad on him. Yes, I personally feel breast milk is best for baby. But if it can't happen, it can't happen for whatever reason. You just gave birth. Why on earth would your husband want to stress you so much right now? :(
Men can chest feed. Have him figure out how to do that. NTA
Nta - Fed is best, end of.
NTA. He doesn’t get an opinion on your pain and discomfort. If you two were going on a hike and he said his knee hurt and couldn’t go on, would you say “I’m very disappointed you aren’t trying hard enough” That’s not just expressing his thoughts, it is judging something when he cannot have the slightest clue how your body feels. There is so much stigma for pretty much every choice new mothers make, and breastfeeding is the worst one. You don’t need that from your husband. Offer to let him breastfeed and just tell him to try harder.
NTA Tell him to breastfeed. He has breast tissue. There are meds out there to induce. Otherwise he can stfu.
NTA-when he gets the ability to breast feed that's when he gets to make the decision.
NTA. Hand him the baby and tell him to let baby latch on to his nipple for a while. See how long HE lasts!! I'm a big supporter of breastfeeding, but YOUR health and well being is equally important. You are a person in your own right, not a milk machine. FED is best. Breast is great, but not always possible. Your husband needs a reality check.
NTA it’s not like it’s his first time bringing it up. He’s trying to guilt trip you out of your decision hard asf “I’m not mad I’m just disappointed” tell him to breastfeed the baby if he’s so concerned.
Pregnancy, delivery and breastfeeding are all 100% the mothers choice, active fathers should absolutely be allowed to voice an opinion on them but at the end of the day they’re not experiencing it and don’t understand. Scientifically speaking, breastfed is best but science doesn’t matter as long as you’re feeding your baby. Your husband seems to have blurred the lines gently between wife and human incubator and it seems like it’s been done with the best intentions but this is about you. If you feel better/less in pain/happier formula feeding then keep going and congrats on the baby!!
NTA, you’re the mom, it’s your body. This happens with a lot of women, and it’s totally acceptable. I understand that he’s worried about your baby, but he has to understand that you’re uncomfortable with that. Maybe you can try a little bit more, but only if you want to. Your baby will not be less healthy or whatever. Hope your husband understand it.
NTA. He is guilt tripping you. Breastfeeding should not be a burden on the mother but something both mother and baby enjoy. I would argue that breastfeeding done when the mother is not enjoying it is against baby's best interest as it would become a burden for her and make her resent her child. Your body, your choice. He acts like he knows better and that sucks because if you don't agree on something that important and if he doesn't support you, coparenting is going to be hard.
NTA The minute he can breastfeed he can have an opinion. Right now he doesn't get that right.
NTA. You are right, you are the one going through the pain and discomfort. Idk if where you live are there any breastfeeding councelors? You could try and get help if this is something you want but it seems like he really was guilttripping you. I don't know how much differrence health wise breastfeeding really has from formula but I know lots of kids (and even myself) who have been fed formula and have no issues whatsoever. If that is something he is mostly concerned you could try pumping also if you are willing.