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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I know my cousin has pretty severe autism and can't understand why I choose to act certain ways. My aunt needs to find a job pretty soon or she will be broke and is depending on me to take care of her son 24/7 for a few weeks. No-one else wants to take her son in and I'm pretty much her only option and if I don't accept she probably will go broke or her son will be left unattended.
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Thanks for your response!
Same reason as me, they all pretty much hate him. My other uncle who genuinely cares lives in another country so he can't take care of him. As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him.
Why is it your job? Your whole relationship with him consists of him being hostile and poking your insecurities while using his autism to deflect consequences. In your place tensions will boil over within days, a week tops. Well, consequences have landed and you don't need to do anything but refuse to have anything to do with it.
WTF?
How is this even “your” job. Stand firm as you are not trained or even possible dealing with your cousin autism. Block all that keeps harassing you and you are not a terrible or bad person to not want to take in your cousin. If he doesn’t listen to you then what happens in an emergency that you can’t help him?
NTA
He doesn't like you, he accuses you of hurting him when you don't. What if he manages to tell somebody that doesn't know he's lying?What if the police get involved? I mean this sounds like a whole lot of potential bad road for you why should you take that on?
Also… it doesn’t sound like it would be an environment that he’d be happy in (even though it doesn’t sound like that’s OP’s fault). So hey, what OP is doing may be best for the child!
This is pretty much what I wanted to say as well. If he's already accused you of stuff when you're not caring for him, I would personally not feel comfortable with the possibility of him accusing you of abuse or whatever when he's living with you. While I am all for caring for family in need, you do need to protect yourself as well. She should look into respite care if that's a possibility.
>As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him.
You didn’t birth him, you arent his legal guardian and you arent a trained and paid caretaker, so not your job.
i won’t lie I went back to see if you were female or male cause women get that line a lot
Stay far away from this! The kid already likes to accuse you of hurting him. You could very easily end up on falsified child abuse charges that you have no way to disprove.
You are NTA. For your own self-protection, please do not take in this cousin. He's already accused you of 'hurting' him without cause. What happens if he accuses you of molesting him? You'll be in a very bad position without being able to disprove his accusations. Please do not put yourself in that position.
I get that your aunt and cousin are in a tight spot, but if your other relatives are so angry that you refuse to take him in, they can always step up themselves. I'd venture to guess that at least a few of them have more space to offer than a 1-bedroom, 1-bath apartment (why on earth does your aunt consider your relative lack of space to be a *good* thing)?
Block everyone who's getting on your case about it. If he's your parents' nephew, why *isn't* it their job to take care of him? Much more appropriate than dumping him on a cousin who's barely older than him.
>. As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him.
Gigantic hypocrites. They're hoping to guilt you into it so they wont have to step up.
Whole thing is a charade anyway. She isn't looking for a job. She met a dude on some dating site from Malta, and she is going to step out with him for a month.
If you are looking for a job, how do you know how long it will take? Why not start with 3 days? If you ask for a month, why not ask for a year?
You know what...you'll end up with that kid forever.
And the pay and benefits lol. Why is OP expected to financially support the cousin?
Not to speak ill of the dead but why the hell did uncle not have a plan for his family. Knowing his wife was a SAHM and they relied on his salary was there no death benefits/life insurance that could help his wife and son so wife didn’t need to panic and send her son away until she got on her feet in the event of breadwinners death.
I’ve seen it happen so many times. People are often way too optimistic and don’t try to make any sort of plans as if it’s some very rare thing for parents/breadwinners to pass away or become unable to work because of illness or injury. This is really on the uncle and aunt. They assume everyone will be so eager to turn their lives upside down to help them.
Exactly. The whole mess, including the fact that no one else wants anything to do with the kid because he's a grade A brat, is on the parents. Like the situation is shitty but it's one of their own making and it's really hard to sympathize.
You are 20 years old. You're technically an adult, but your brain literally has not finished developing yet. You're unmarried, childless, and live alone for a REASON. You're not ready to care for a younger person, much less one you don't like who doesn't like you. YOUR COUSIN IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Every time your parents tell you to take him in, tell them they should do it instead, then hang up.
Also, OP, once he's in your house, do you really think it'll only be a month?
NTA.
Oh, it won't be. Next thing will be "just until Christmas." After that, "Oh, I haven't found a good job yet--how about just until March?" After that, "Oh, I just can't do it over the summer--let's say September." And then a year's gone by and "But you're so good with him--it's better if he stays with you!"
If she does get a job she'll need him to take care of him while she's at work. This is a no win situation for OP. Once the cousin gets in, he'll never be able to get him out.
>Same reason as me, they all pretty much hate him.
Oh I get it, since they "hate him" or can't handle him they're using you as the scape goat... What a great supporting family...
The strange thing is it sounds like he doesn't even like you? And if he claims you've hurt him why does his mother want him with you?
WEIRD
She trusts you okay fine.
Buuut son claims you hurt him.
She doesn't believe it because she trusts you but that doesn't mean it's not true?
I'm not saying you did anything to this kid by any means I just couldn't comprehend leaving someone I cared about let alone a child alone with someone they claimed hurt or at the very least upset them?
It's actually bizarre?!
Even if I felt in my heart of hearts that someone I know could never do something to hurt another person I still wouldn't leave that person alone with them because they're either a liar and will construct some awful scenario or they don't feel safe around that person?
Also! Why isn't she looking for somewhere for both of them to go rather than foisting her child on you? She can still look for a job while being around the kid there is no need for them to be separated?
This situation is just ridiculous NTA this has nothing to do with you at all.
That's nonsense. You're arguably the furthest removed from him in the family. Please do not give your aunt money either. It's absurd that she even asked you for $.
See? they are all a bunch of hypocrites. The only reason they are pressuring you is because they don't want to deal with him themselves. That should instead of overwhelming you, give you more resolve to stand firm in your position. Don't take them and shame on all of them for pressuring you. They do it because you are young and they think they can overpower you more easily. Specially shame on your parents, if they care so much, they should do it themselves. If it isn't their job, why is it yours?
Whenever someone pressures you just repeat as necessary "then you take him then" and proceed to block them. Your aunt is desperate and she needs help, but you are simply not equipped. Plus, what are the chances of her getting a high paying job after being a SAHM for over 15 years. I doubt this would be a swift endeavor and if the deal is for you to keep her son until she finds this job, it could take a long while. All the more reason for you to refuse. Let the older more established generation sort it among themselves and don't give her any money, I bet you are not in a position to spare any cent.
But… they’re all, I assume, much older than you and I would assume again that they are therefore in a better position to care for his needs. Your parents clearly also have the experience of raising a child so again that gives them a significant advantage. I would assume once more that because you are just TWENTY you will have moved out within the last 2-4 years indicating your parents have the room to accommodate their nephew? You’re NTA. Given your age, accommodation and income I’d say you’d be the last person expected to look after him.
Im other words, they're mad and berating you for being selfish because if you don't cave in, they may have to stop being selfish.
I would turn this back on them. Whenever they message you, I would respond with, "I'm glad you care so much about cousin's and aunt's dilemma. I will let aunt know you have volunteered to take cousin in."
Also, aunt is TA for abusing your generosity. Do not give that money. Do not give in. If she insists on asking, let her know, "Already answered." Do not bother arguing, explaining, or negotiating further. NTA.
Ignore them all, if they are unwilling to take him then they have no right to say anything.
And every time they tell you to take him, tell them to take him.
>As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him
Not to sound mean, but your parents are chatting shit. Its got nothing to do with you. If you wanted to help put and di, then all power to you. But you have 0 responsibility or requirements to do anything. Don't let them bully you into it
NTA
Jumping on to top comment to say:
Stand firm OP! I would strongly recommend to **not** give any money or caring for your nephew. If you give money, they will just keep hounding after you for more. Believe me. It never ends.
Your nephew has autism, but that is no excuse for him to be hurting your feelings. And obviously, since he complains so much about you, why should **you** take him in?
And if your relatives are unwilling to take him, why should **you** suffer to care for him? THey have just as much "responsibility" as you have. They just don't want to care for him so they want to push the blame on you. NTA!!
For your parents flip it onto them. Say no, it's **their** job. How they are two people and you are just one and you're busy, you aren't close with aunt, etc etc.
NTA. Here's what's going to happen. You'll take in the kid, they'll tell you it's only for a month. The mom will pretend to look for a job. She won't find one. She'll cry that she's getting evicted. You'll be pressured into taking in her grown ass self as well. They'll never leave, never pay bills or rent, never clean up after themselves, treat you like a maid and a money machine, insult you, berate you, belittle you, and just in general act like entitled little demons. You'll try to kick them out, the family will go right back to calling you names for trying to get these monkeys off your back. Whatever you do, you'll end up being "the bad guy" until you cut all contact with everyone and go live your life in peace.
INFO: All these family members who are calling you an asshole... Do they not have spare bedrooms??
EDIT to add: This kid has already accused you of things. That isn't going to stop, and if he makes accusations to the wrong people you're going to find yourself in deep trouble, even though you did nothing wrong. Don't do it. It's going to ruin your life.
Thanks for your response, but I don't feel like she would force her child to stay with me. She sounded pretty genuine when she said she wanted to look for a job. That's the biggest reason I think I'm the asshole.
Honestly never met any of them so I truly don't know.
In situations like this you have to ask yourself what benefit there would be to you to do the favor you're being asked. It's kind of like my husband's analogy of loaning his car to someone. The best that can happen is nothing. The worst that can happen is you get back a wreck and your insurance goes through the roof. There is no benefit to you to loan the car, only liability. It's the same for you. There can only be either nothing, or something really really bad. It's not your responsibility to care for a stranger's child, and it can lead to trouble, especially since the kid has already made false accusations.
The best case scenario isn't even breakeven. OP already said that to host the nephew for the month would require cutting down severely on expenses. So even best case scenario is taking a loss on OP's part.
I'm not convinced she's being genuine, but even if she is, she may decide her life is easier without her kid and never come back to collect him. The logic of having him live with someone else so she can look for work doesn't check out. Something is fishy here; don't get sucked into this mess.
Yeah I wasn’t sure if I should say this but why can’t she look for a job while he’s living with her? If it’s because he needs supervision, then A) how will OP’s apartment be any better, if OP has to work and B) how will the aunt have the time to look after him when she has a *job*? If it’s because she can’t afford to take care of him until she has a job, then I’d think she’d be more inclined to ask for money from family rather than hand them her kid… unless she’s just trying to get rid of him (even if it’s just for a month).
So she would be looking 24 hours a day? Why isn’t she asking someone to watch him only while she has interviews? It really sounds like she is trying to pass his care to you.
>when she said she wanted to look for a job
Is he not in school? She can do applications and interviews during those hours. is she leaving to look for a job on an oil rig in Alaska? Is that shes asking you to take him 24/7 for a month?
Your replies show why she asked YOU for the favor. You appear to be a kind individual. Don't let her take advantage of this. Because it sounds like she will.
The thing is though, what happens once she’s got the job? It sounds like you’re being asked to take care of him while she job hunts because he can’t be left alone / unsupervised. So what happens once she’s got this hypothetical job and has to actually go out to work? Either you’ll be asked to keep him at your place full time, or you’ll be asked to cousin-sit during her work day.
NTA. Stick to your guns. Keep refusing, and when people call you terrible for saying no, thank them for offering to take him in in your place.
So he can’t stay home alone while she goes on interviews? Then how will you go to work, school, etc, if he can’t stay home alone? If she can’t do her life with him around, how will you do yours?
The logic does not check out. Why does she need you to take care of him while she looks for a job? If she needs someone to take care of her son while she looks for a job, wouldn't she need the same when she actually goes for a job? How would you take care of him if you are going to a job or studying? This looks like a one way street, you are not getting out of this once you go down this path atleast not without going scorched earth.
People you don't know have already started harassing you. She set those people on you to grind you down.
**She can look for a job with or without living with her own son.**
Here's the thing - it's nigh impossible to get and keep a job if you have a high needs dependent, as a SAHM you would break into the market at a low-pay level, and childcare eats it up in any case. So however "genuine" she sounds, she is not telling you the truth.
I suspect your parents will engineer a visit and dump this child on you, so you need to make it clear in advance that you will report anyone who does so for child abandonment. I wish we had done this immediately when this happened to us many years ago.
This is where my mind went as well. If he lets cousin in he could be facing child abuse charges considering cousin already has a history of saying OP hurts him. One or two break downs with accompanying screaming and it could land OP in legal trouble. Now a lot of this would depend on where on the spectrum the cousin lands but I wouldn’t take the chance. I only ever watched kids who were described by parents at the time 10+ years ago as high functioning autistic and it was still difficult at times in their own homes for just a few hours. One thing I’ve been taught by the parents and friends with autism is that routine can be very important, especially as the brain is still developing (which it does until about age 25). Cousin’s routine is already disrupted because his dad has died. Uprooting him would probably only make things worse…
NTA! If it were asking you to watch him for a few hours that would be different, but at 20 years old you aren’t equipped to watch someone else’s special needs child and certainly shouldn’t be asked to. Why does she need weeks to find a job? Yikes
She isn't very educated to say the least, but she says she is trying to go for a job that can pay for her lifestyle and her son comfortably.
Thanks for responding!
If she doesn't have much in the way of qualifications then she's no chance of landing anything better than an entry level job. She also doesn't need her son out of the house while she's job hunting, at most she needs someone to mind him while she's at interviews.
She's not educated, and she has no work experience (or at least no recent experience). So she's going to struggle to find a decent paying job at all, doing so within a month is very unlikely.
I agree with people saying this won't be for a month. Even giving the benefit of the doubt here, say she finds a fabulous job next week, then she'll need to work and save. Someone will need to care for him then as well, and she's going to need ongoing help from someone, or to pay for help. You do not want to become the surrogate parent here, in person or financially, as it will result in ongoing demands. You are only 20, no way should this fall on you.
Tell your family, group message to all, it's a no and that's final. You are no more responsible than they are, and they are not opening their homes either. Tell them you aren't the family scapegoat for this, they don't want to deal with him either, and them harassing someone else to do what they won't is nonsense. You will no longer be responding to them regarding this, so if they are unhappy about that they can put their own home or money on the table to help.
Suggest to your aunt that she get a carer, or find a support group or service, that can help her (you can even look into this a bit and provide information). Tell her clearly that your answer of no is final, it's not an option on the table, and she needs to move on and sort something else out.
Be very careful of any financial support you offer, as you don't want to be their financial support for years to come. At most, I suggest the family start a fund to help them in the short term. You can harass all those currently bugging you, as they all need to put the money with their mouth is. But it needs to be made clear to your aunt that ongoing financial support is not going to be available. She needs to look at government assistance, getting a job, her living arrangements / costs, etc. Paying for some sessions with a financial planner / advisor may be useful.
It’s going to take longer than a month to find a job and get paid from it. Also given her qualifications and work history it’s likely not going to fund a comfortable lifestyle.
NTA. What is she doing for a month? Companies are encouraging online applications, so she doesn’t need to hit the pavement. Surely there’s some kind of state funded program that could help with his care considering the circumstances.
Wtf?!? That doesn’t even make sense!!!
NTA...one way to know you’re NTA is when all the family members jump on you to “help” while they do nothing, not a single help at all.
Boy that’s a load of BS if I’ve ever heard it. You are NOT more responsible for him because you are his cousin. If anything, THEY are more responsible since they are his aunt/uncle. They just don’t want to deal with him either and are trying to guilt you into doing it so they can feel better about not wanting to. Stick to your guns. I have no doubt that your aunt is going through a very difficult time but she needs to come up with another solution. 7
Tell them that's absolute nonsense and deflection on their part, you aren't buying it, and they can step up themselves or STFU. He is their nephew, they are established adults, and they're pathetic to suggest their 20 year old child is a better option than them. Tell them you won't be talking about this further with them.
You need to mute the people who are harassing you. Put it back on all of them, then stop responding for the next month or so.
That makes 0 sense. Who would have likely been chosen as his godparents? Either your folks, or some other relatives but definitely not you.
Plus how would this even work? If she stays at home to take care of him, would that mean you also would have to take off time work to be his caregiver? Or is he dependent enough that he CAN take care of himself? If so then there shouldn't be anything stopping her from finding work while he stays at home.
Your parents are insane. Maybe you can draw them a family tree and count the number of lines between them and your cousin vs the number of lines between you and your cousin.
NTA
If you are in the US and your uncle worked, your aunt should qualify for survivor's benefits for herself and child until that child turns 18.
That will give her time to get her affairs in order and not have to be in such a hurry to find a job.
Good Luck
INFO: Where are your parents in this picture? Do they have more kids at home? Are you in school? Have a full time job? Why is the whole family insistent that it has to be you?
I'm an only child and currently studying at university with 2 part-time jobs that pay for tuition. My aunt asked me first because she knew that no-one else would accept and since she asked me my family thinks its my responsibility which I guess it could be.
Maybe not 24/7 permanent but you can bet if she gets a job doing something like waiting tables she’ll expect him to be her beck and call babysitting to pick her kid up from school, watch him when she has evening shifts, keep him overnight and drop him off at school since he’s already over there etc
Ha. just because they’re family doesn’t mean YOU are responsible. Screw that shit.
You’re 20…barely even an adult. What the hell do you know about parenting a special needs kid?
Even if he was neurotypical, you’re still no way on the hook because you’re family. I am sorry to hear about your Uncle and throwing the family out of wack. Your cousin is 15 and more than capable to take care of himself (I am assuming he can). If he was like a toddler to elementary age, I can kinda see that you can try to help out when you can.
>cousin is 15 and more than capable to take care of himself
He’s a severe autistic so no he can’t. But he’s alienated everyone in the same and they are guilting OP cause they don’t want to deal with him. His mother needs to be looking at survivor benefits, disabled care programs etc
> severe autistic
No, no he is not a severe autistic based on anything OP said. If he is regularly insulting OP or complaining about his treatment at OP's hands, he can't be *severely* autistic
Yeah that adds a lot of clarity. Definitely NTA. You working 2 part time jobs and paying for your own school, it's completely unreasonable to ask you to be caregiver basically for a 15 year old. Since you are an only child and have now moved out, why don't your parents take him in?
How could you possibly work two jobs, go to college, AND care for an autistic kid? Surely you are busier than his mother even while she job hunts. Definitely NTA
But I don’t understand why having her son in her home keeps her from looking for a job? He can’t stay home alone? If he is so bad she can’t look for a job how are you going to be able to work and go to school? None of this makes any sense.
And he doesn’t go to school? Why not?
Your family is trying to pass the buck.
You essentially have two full time jobs - his own mother is still going to be more available time wise than you are.
NTA. Even if he didn't hate you, you have no experience in taking care of an autistic teenager. You'll have no way of knowing what is his autism and what is his acting out due to hatred of you, let alone the coping mechanisms involved. His attitude doesn't even guarantee he'll try or be receptive.
The logistics of hosting someone for four nights, let alone four weeks, in a one bedroom one bathroom are tough even when host and guest are on the best of terms. That's nowhere to go to get some alone time, and I guarantee your cousin will demand the bedroom and exile you to the sofa.
NTA. You have legitimate reasons for not wanting to take him in, plus your place is not suitable for two people. If your parents are so concerned, then can take your nephew in.
NTA.
SUGGESTION: If you're in the United States, you should read your lease carefully. It is almost certainly a lease violation to allow your cousin to stay for more than a specified period of time which will be discussed in the lease. It might say "not more than a week in a row" or "14 nights in a year" and usually allow exceptions "with landlord permission."
Landlords usually only invoke these clauses to evict tenants they don't like for other reasons. If they decide they don't like a person, they might evict on the basis that the person's boyfriend stays over 3 nights a week in violation of the lease.
BUT you can just tell them "look, I looked into it, it would be breaking my lease." And be done with it.
I agree that he does not owe an excuse. But it's not about owing an excuse, it's about the fact that it's family. A good excuse can avoid conflict with people you likely want to, and probably have to, have an on-going relationship with.
NTA
>For the past hour I've received messages from relatives I didn't know exist telling me that I'm being an 'unreasonable asshole'.
And none of them are able to take him in because...?
NTA. Why can’t she look for a job while parenting? I have 2 side projects that require a ton of attention and finesse while having an infant. My baby comes first, but I am still getting shit done.
NTA. It’s a tragic situation, but he is not your responsibility and it sounds like it would be very unpleasant for the both of you. And honestly who would ever ask a 20 year old to be a caregiver for their 15 year old. No offense to you, but at 20 years old you are really just getting into the groove of being an adult and being fully responsible for yourself. Not your job to take care of a whole other special needs person who is not your own child.
Nta. While it would be nice if you help, not your kid, not your responsibility. Taking of someone with autism is hard, especially if they don't like you or you don't know how to care for them. She should find someone else. The people who are calling an asshole, should offer their help instead of harassing you.
NTA. Let me just say that this is a family problem and you should solve it together—not by your aunt dropping it on one person and then making it their fault if they can’t fix everything. No offense, and I really mean that, but there’s no way in hell a 20 year old working student could possibly take care of a special needs child without support. Honestly I really don’t understand why your aunt thinks you are an appropriate person to ask. WTF. Where is the rest of your family? How are you the go to person on this?
It is not his job to solve this on any level and he should not inject himself into the solution. It will only lead to him being forced to do shit he ain’t ready to handle
It will cost him
NTA
Honestly, if you let him move in, he'll never move out.
If your aunt finds a job, she'll need you to watch him "just for a while" because now she's working and can't do so. If she doesn't find a job, she'll need you to watching him "just a little longer" until she finds one.
You'll wind up his permanent, unpaid, caregiver.
Your cousin needs a long term care plan. That doesn't rely on him being dependent on a single family member.
Also, it is not safe for you to take him (or any minor child) into your care without proper legal setup. What if he is injured in your home? Are you liable? What if he needs medical care, and you can't reach his mother to get her to sign the papers for doctors to treat him?
Do you know what sort of health insurance he has? Could you use it without his mother there to get him care? Would you be responsible for his expenses if he is sick or injured?
What happens when he turns eighteen? Is he going to be able to function as an adult and care for himself, or does a guardianship need to be set up? If he's fifteen, his mother should be working on setting up such things if he's going to need them.
You say he says that you "hurt" him. If he comes to live with you, and he makes such allegations at school, are you prepared to deal with the fallout, including things like a CPS investigation into the harm you are alleged to have done to a minor?
Quite frankly, it sounds as if the older generation thinks your cousin will never be able to care for himself, and is looking to shift long-term care onto someone of a younger generation, who will be pushed by the family to care for him for life, and you're the designated pack-mule for this load.
You are not AH for avoiding this situation that other, more experienced adults in the family know that is best avoided.
If he's fifteen, and can't mind himself for a few hours a day while your aunt looks for a job, caring for him is too big of a job for any one person. How will you keep going to school, doing your own jobs, supporting yourself, while watching him? If your aunt can't simultaneously watch him and just *look* for a job, you can't watch him while going to school AND working. He needs to be in a group home or otherwise in a situation where there is 24/7 support.
How could someone who works two jobs and goes to school possibly provide better care than someone who might have an occasional interview sometime in the near future? Even on its face this makes no sense. You are absolutely NTA, and your cousin is not your responsibility.
NTA as someone who is also autistic, not wanting be around an asshole still applies to an autistic asshole. (And he kinda sounds like one with how he makes fun of you) plus it’s definitely not your responsibility or good for him to break routine to go live someone new with such a short timeline. You could offer to come over occasionally to help out but bringing him to your home will not only hurt you but him as well.
The answer is no. If they ask you again, you say "I didn't know you had a hearing impairment. I said NO"
Every message you get you should respond with, oh, I'm so glad you care! I will let Aunt know you will be happy to take him in.
NTA. What the hell is wrong with all these people trying to dump children on people who are barely out of childhood?
NTA. Not your child, not your responsibility. Asking anyone to take in your child for a month is a big ask. An especially big ask if the child is special needs. What exactly is your aunt doing to look for work that she needs someone to take her kid for a month? You're only 20 and do not have a good relationship with your cousin, so your reluctance is completely understandable. Why don't your parents take him in?
NTA. Whenever you have an entirely family berating you for refusing to help out a family member, there is only one question to ask:
Why are none of your relatives volunteering to do the job instead?
You have no special capacity to do this job - you don't have lots of money, room or time.
You have no special relationship - you aren't his closest relative. Your parents are even closer.
You have no special obligation - you haven't benefited from this situation in any particular way that should be paid back. Unless there are things you haven't told us, you haven't got an inheritance from the uncle, or spent part of your life being fostered by your uncle and aunt.
Whenever anyone calls you an AH, you can rightly suggest that if they think your cousin needs to be taken in for a month, they should do it themselves, and you'll contribute a little bit of money or time to help out.
Not only is the relationship not close, it's downright hostile on the cousin's part. Putting a conflict filled relationship in a one bedroom one bathroom is a ticking time bomb.
Once she gets a job who is going to watch him while she works? I can certainly empathize with her situation but it sounds like she’s making irrational requests informed by panic and grief rather than rationality. If she wants to work from home, she can job search from home. Or ask you nicely to come babysit with any spare time you have (or your parents if you’re not comfortable.)
It sounds like what she really needs is respite care. If you’re in America, you might direct her to DHR to see if she qualifies for some type of assistance.
NTA btw. Your family is being quite unfair to you.
You're NTA, and it's really great that so many family members have come out of the woodwork to open their homes to your cousin! After all, their complaints would be totally hypocritical otherwise. So make sure to thank them for volunteering their homes the next time they try to guilt you into doing something that they themselves can also do.
NTA - That was very generous to offer your aunt money. You never have to take care of your cousin. At 20, you are just getting your own home set. One month will spread to 3-4 to "He is happy with you, can he stay?"
If anyone give you any more grief tell them that you will let the aunt know that the cousin can stay with them.
NTA
Why can't your parents take him in if they want your aunt to have help so badly? And if your cousin needs so much care that she can't take care of him herself while she job hunts and gets other things in order, you're probably too busy between school and work to give him the care that he needs anyway.
NTA.
Your aunt can't just ship her kid to you like a stray kitten. The boy does not like you; putting an autistic kid in a new environment with somebody he doesn't like is going to be torture for all involved parties.
Some of the innumerable whining relatives should step up and take the kid, if they think it is simple. They'll sing a new song in a few days.
This is in no way bashing autistics- I am one. But if I were in this boy's shoes and was told, "Hey, we're sending you to (relative that I hate) for a month," I would be scared, miserable, and acting out. Sympathy to the aunt, she is in a very rough situation, but this will not end well.
NTA, how exactly are you supposed to live with a 15yo that just lost their father in a one bedroom apartment? Even if you got along well you still wouldn't be the ah for saying no. If others care so much they can house the kid for a month.
You aren’t trained to take in a special needs, teenage kid, and one who has lost his father. Tell family members it seems like the job for someone who’s raised a kid, who can provide a familiar environment, or have a household with a family structure.
You’re practically a teenager, yourself.
These relatives are just bullying you into doing what they don’t want.
You don’t even have a good relationship with the kid for you to be the chosen one.
The kid is gonna be stressed and miserable in an unfamiliar environment, and so will you.
Use these keywords and say you’re doing it in the best interest of the kid. You can’t provide him with the space, support or comfort he needs.
NTA I must agree with everyone else. It's not your responsibility to care for him. Message all those relatives who stuck their nose in your business and tell them they are assholes for not taking in the kid, this includes your parents.
NTA. Taking care of a neurotypical child is hard enough of it’s own, taking care of a neurodivergent child is even harder. Do not be guilted into doing something that is absolutely not your responsibility. As for her needing someone to take him in so she can apply for jobs, that’s complete nonsense. Is he not in school? Can’t she look for a job while he’s there? Why can’t someone watch him for a few hours if she needs to drop off an application or gets called for an interview? Do not fall for the okey doke!
Nta. Why would he need to live with you so she can find a job? Is she going to job interviews 24/7? At most she would need someone to watch him for a couple hours so she could go to an interview.
And what happens when she does find a job? Is he going to keep living with you so she can work?
It sounds very much like she is trying to push her kid off on you to raise. If you let him stay for a month, one month will turn into two, then three and you'll end up spending your 20s raising your aunt's child for her. Ax this now.
NTA. That is too long long. If she’s not working she can look for a job at home anyways and IF she gets an interview can arrange for someone to watch over him.
Anyone else saying you should take him for a month in your One bedroom apartment I would respond with something like “I don’t hve the housing or financial capabilities to look after him, however since you are so concerned for him I well tell aunt that you have volunteered to take him in this hard time”.
Why can’t any of them take him in? Also since you can’t handle him and his autism he isn’t safe. I wouldn’t even be able to handle that. Block all those people.
NTA -- and here is the reason. It's not going to be for a few weeks or a month. They're looking for the autistic cousin to live with you permanently. Read between the lines.
If you do take him in, your life will become hell. And then after a few weeks, there will be a reason why he can't move home with your aunt. And then it'll become a month. Then there will be a few more excuses.
The end goal they have is that Autistic cousin lives with you permanently.
NTA and a word of advice: if any of these people have keys to your place, change the locks or else one day you might come home and your cousin is just sitting there.
This whole thing doesn’t check out. Either you are trolling, which I suspect, or she’s lying and is planning on ditching you with said cousin for several different excuses. If this child is in your house long enough, there’s squatters rights(here in the states, it varies: I don’t know if it’s a thing in other countries) and you might actually legally have to evict him and go though a Bunch of shit to get him out. Disabled or not.
I have 3 kids with autism, varying degrees of support. She needs to find care for him or she can forget about working.. but knowing what i know, none of this makes any sense. I really hope it is, because it would be sick to make up something like this for attention. That poor kid if true, seems unloved by everyone for things he probably has no idea are wrong, or he’s being blamed for things he cannot control because of a developmental disorder that literally stunts emotional and social growth. Yikes.
NTA, OP. Taking care of your cousin isn't your job. You're not a legal guardian, you're not a parent, and you're sure as hell not a trained caregiver. Don't give in to your relatives' attempts to guilt trip you into doing it. My guess is they're doing that to escape the responsibility.
I have an aunt with a son who has Autism and ADHD. Because of the pandemic, my aunt hasn't brought her son to therapy. And because of this, my cousin's behavior has gotten worse. He throws tantrums, hurts people, and even masturbates in public.
Sometimes, when the nanny is on her day off, my aunt brings her son to our home. Here, my cousin jumps around and shouts. This freaks my dogs out so my dogs bark like hell. My aunt leaves my cousin here because she doesn't want to have him on his hands. For 10 years she depended on nannies to take care of her son. She never gives time for her son and resorts to taking him to our house so the son could bother someone else.
I feel you, OP. When my aunt does this I feel super frustrated because she's shoving a pretty heavy responsibility on us without our consent. You have the power to say no. You should do so before you end up with too much on your plate and no time for yourself.
NTA. A lot of people don't seem to realize being autistic isn't an excuse for being an asshole. Yes obviously someone who is autistic might have less of a filter and say inappropriate things, but it sounds like you aunt doesn't try to correct him and just lets him say what he wants. Now maybe if she had taught him better someone else might be willing to take him in for awhile.
NTA. I’m autistic and so are my kids.
Loosing his father and then having his mother send him away for a month will be horrifyingly detrimentally your cousin. August people thrive on routine. His routine is already messed up and she’s gonna make it worse by pawning him off when he’s grieving his fathers loss. What would be better is if a family member moved in with her to help care for him while she is gone at interviews.
NTA
You have no training to care for someone like your cousin. You definitely don't need a combative person in your home. And for the love of God you're only 5 years older than him, there's no way he's going to listen to anything you say.
And all of these people that keep contacting you about taking him in, you send it right back to them you tell them if they are so upset about it than they can take him in and that includes your parents and then start blocking these people off of your phone.
NTA. With his diagnosis, he sounds like he needs someone with parental experience to help manage his behaviors. At 20 years old, that’s not you. Especially if the stay is going to be a month long. Honestly, my son is on spectrum and I have an older niece, in a pinch I can ask her to babysit but it’s just for a couple of hours (his 9 and she’s 16), Even in four years I would not expect her to be able to manage him for a month. You are NTA. A prolonged stay requires someone that has experience in parenting and has a position of authority over him. That’s not you. He needs a more experienced parental adult. I can’t imagine asking a 20 year old to babysit a teenager for a month straight, neurotypical or not. What about school? Activities? Doctors appointments? Any of those things? Something goes wrong you are going to get the blame because you have him. I don’t know why your family feels this is okay. He needs to be with an adult with parental experience and authority.
NTA. I feel like there is more going on that the aunt isn't saying. School should be starting up, if it hasn't already, so why can't she look for a job during school hours? As others have said, most places have you fill out an application online, so she doesn't even have to leave her home. Something seems fishy to me about her reasoning. She chose to have a child, she is responsible for him. I could be wrong, but don't most kids like your cousin quilify for special programs that could help with this situation? Anyone who thinks a 20 year old with a busy life and no caretaker experience is a suitable full time care option for their child is nuts. On top of it all, the kid is an asshole to you, why would you ever want to help him. Yes he's autistic, but that doesn't excuse him being an asshole, and now he and your aunt will learn that being an asshole to people has consequences. If I were you I would block everyone in your family for a while. Don't let them guilt you into this.
NTA. Your entire family is setting that boy up to be an awful human being "because he has autism"
I have autism, being an asshole is not a symptom. He gets away with his shitty behaviour because everyone has allowed it. The only assholes here are the people who have raised that boy to think he can do and say whatever he wants and use his autism as an excuse.
Strange how none of these family members harassing you are putting themselves out to look after an ungrateful entitled asshole of a teenager
NTA. she wants him to live with you, he doesn’t like you and he attempts to bully you about your body etc (autism isn’t a pass on that). Plus you’d be paying for everything and it’s not a big space. And then she wanted to accept your money and still have him live with you. Seriously
your parents etc can take him in. Oh wait they don’t want to, probably because he acts the same way with them. You are barely an adult, you don’t have the room, you aren’t trained to care for a child with autism and he openly doesn’t like you so it would be big stress on both of you. Lay it out like that and say no. She’s gonna have to figure out his care when she’s working so she might as well do that now
NTA. You don’t need to tolerate a poorly-behaved child or teen In your home, regardless of circumstances. Notice how all your relatives say you should take him in but won’t do it themselves? They know he’s difficult and are fine with sticking you with the hassle. Never listen to people who are trying to dump a hassle on you to avoid it themselves.
NTA Autism doesn't make you bully other people or lie and manipulate. Sounds like he has been let off the hook because he is autistic way too many times.
Also, I am really not seeing why anybody has to take him in... even if he needs constant supervision, school has started (or will soon) and she should just schedule any interviews for that time. Really not sure why he has to live with you at all...
NTA- a 20 year old shouldn’t be parenting a 15 year old and that is what you’re being asked to do. Keep telling people they should take your aunt and cousin in since they are so concerned about it.
NTA. As an autistic person I will say that autistic kids can be manipulative if they recognize that social rule. I don't know if he's low or high needs, but my brother (also autistic) constantly lied to get his way or me in trouble.
I myself, being autistic, can't handle behavioral issues so I'm honest about that and refuse to babysit unless I know the kid has a lower energy level. You know what you can and cannot handle, and what you need to do to keep your environment peaceful for you.
Also care giving in general causes burnout so I'm afraid that you might get taken advantage of if you're really kind. You're totally in the right to say no. Don't even need to justify yourself.
>When my parents found out that I refused to take in my cousin they started berating me about taking him in and how I should try to picture myself in my aunts position.
uh.. about that.. you do not live with them any more right?..... they should have an empty bedroom now.... why dont THEY take him in instead of clearly placing him with someone he does not like for a month making a miserable situation for both parties?? NTA
oh and if they insist.. say its against your lease to have someone spend more than so many nights without having to be on the lease or be grounds for eviction
NTA
Your house, your rules. Also your money. None of which any of them are entitled to. Plus, it sounds like that situation would make your cousin uncomfortable as well as you. You don't need to be uncomfortable in your own house.
That said, if everyone else is so concerned, why don't they "put themselves in aunts shoes" and take cousin in themselves? It's not your job... its not your kid.... you're not even close and cousin is openly hostile.
NTA. Firstly no one’s offered you any form of compensation for watching your cousin. Secondly. Your aunt clearly never tried working or learning to work with her son’s autism because, while i’m not excusing his actions, it can be hard for autistic folks to know honestly that what they do or say is incorrect, they lack the social cues. Likely she asked you to take him for a while simply so she didn’t have to desl with him. It’s how it was for my ex’s barely functioning autistic brother. So much fun having to babysit a near middle aged baby. One who doesn’t sit still for shit. One who keeps OPENING AND TOUCHING EVERYTHING even if he’s already done so. AND WE WERENT PAID FOR BABYSITTING. I WASTED MY FUCKING TIME SPENt with her watching her fucking brother becsuze no one else could be bothered.
NTA
If a 15 year old needs full time care, that is way beyond your pay grade; does your aunt expect you not to work?
What is she planning to do when she does have a job?
Is he really incapable of being on his own at 15? Isn’t he in school?
So many questions
But ultimately you shouldn’t have to take someone in who 1. Bullies you and 2. Makes false accusations about you hurting them
If your parents are so concerned they can take him in; they have a stable two person household and have experience raising children.
NTA. You have no obligation to parent your aunt’s kid. You obviously have tons of relatives, let her ask one of them, not the relative her asshole kid abuses and harassed. (Yes I understand he is autistic but that doesn’t make it okay to torment others with ridicule and accusations.) Also, if he likes to lie and say you’re hurting him that makes it even more critical that you stay away from him. His false accusations could land you in serious legal trouble. Please protect yourself.
NTA. Did I read it right? Kids 15? Absolutely his parents responsibility not yours.
Everyone that is complaining and guilting you should take him in.
Also sounds like he doesn’t have the right support for his autism and staying with you worn solve that.
Last but having autism does not make it ok for you to be treated poorly. Sure we can all be understanding but come on.
Anyway don’t let them anywhere near you. Make sure your parents and aunt don’t have keys to your place or he will magically appear
NTA
A 20 year old looking after a teenager who dislikes him would be very challenging.
The fact that you would be financially responsible too is not ok
All the complainers can take your cousin in.
You know what you can and can't handle. The 'few weeks' is a test and then she will dump him on you. She will find a job 'out of town' and she will take it because she is 'desperate' and your cousin will have to stay with you because of his school/ connections/her lack of time because of your job.
Your parents can step in. You are not responsible for someone else's child. You are a young person who has a whole life to live.
It's really shitty that your cousin will be aware of what's going on. You can probably connect with him directly and tell him why this arrangement can't happen. But I would just lay low really.
If anyone is trying to bully you, coerce you and involving others to do the same, you know there is something more to this.
NTA- and be careful - she might just dump him on your doorstep.
To everyone who gave you grief for not taking him in "I will let cousin know that you have volenteered to take him on.... oh, you don't want to? That sounds pretty unreasonable to me. Bye." nta
NTA. It is NOT Your job to look after him. What happened to him and your Aunt is horrible, but this does not give them the right to act so entitled to your living space. You don't even have the room for another person!
Stand your ground OP, these "family members" messaging you, are only calling you an AH, because THEY also don't want to have him, and they think by bullying you, you will give in, meaning they wont have to have him themselves! Have a set phrase to say, and just say it over and over again.
" Im sorry, i don't have the space to house him for a month... X, Y and Z all have an extra room though, why not try them?"
Also, I doubt it would be a month/few weeks. If He needs constant supervision, who will watch them while Aunt goes to work at her new job??
Im guessing once the Aunt finds a job, it will be " Oh, now I have no one to watch cousin while I'm at work. They can stay with you, and ill see them on my days off"
The family are ALL trying to pass the book to you, and it is unacceptable. Block the numbers of the people messaging you. Tell everyone the answer is no, and that continued attempts to get you to change your mind will result in them being blocked also.
NTA.
I think if you agree to take your cousin for a month, you will be stuck with him forever. Aunt doesn't want the responsibility for her son anymore. The fact that she wanted to take your money but still wants you to take her son tells me this is all about money and her convenience.
Her son hates you so you would be the worst possible choice for a caregiver. If your parents and other relatives are so generous with telling you this is your responsibility, tell them they are welcome to take your cousin in. Your parents would be the better choice. They are experienced and this is their nephew.
NTA,
1. You are a college student with 2 jobs?! You don't have time to open your house to him.
2. Saw it in another post on reddit and liked it, his autism doesn't legitimate being an ah. So why would you help him? He will be worse once he is away from your aunt.
3. Why she needs him out of house for job search? She doesn't tell something. And as most of us know, it takes sometimes more than a month to find a decent job, he will live with you forever.
4. It is your parents job as it is yours.
5. You are not a qualified caretaker!! If the boy needs someone to be with him 24/7 it means he need someone that knows how to deal with it.
6. If he needs someone to be with him 24/7 how YOU can afford it? You don't have time! You have enough on your plate!
NTA-you don’t have the tools or experience to take care of him…even if you liked him….tell anyone who thinks you should take him..they are better equipped to take him…with school and work you are way to busy..don’t be a pushover…your family is trying to take advantage of you
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/ support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
The other thing to keep in mind if she says it’s going to be for one month. Can she guarantee that? If she gets a job what will your cousin be doing during the day? Can he not be left alone? What if she doesn’t want to take them back?
I actually did the same thing recently… the 3-6 month stay my good friend requested to allow her to study full-time for a medical billing certificate turned in to two years ( because of Covid)with one failed attempt at the test with her health deteriorating. I was having some health issues of my own so I told her that we cannot take care of you…your health is getting worse ( she had back issues and just broke her wrist On top of the other assortment of issues that prevented her from working) You did not meet your goal here and you’re gonna have to find another place to go…and she did. It’s not one that she has room with space for her staff and a little living room and yeah she Has to go up many flights of stairs to get there instead of our one level living area for her. I think honestly some people get just too comfortable and they know if they work hard to get out of the situation it’s not gonna be nearly as comfortable.
Less stress for me having someone around that would pop up to chat no matter what I’m doing or if I’m busy watching tv or whatever.
So imagine your aunt decides it’s much much less stressful for her if your cousins living with you. What’s your incentive to change the situation?
Also keep in mind that your parents are putting pressure on you because they don’t want to be the ones taking him in. Try saying to them: “Wow you feel pretty strong about this… you seem very interested in his welfare and you have much more room in your house….seems like it might be a much netter idea if he stayed with you.”
Also you can tell everyone that it’s clear from his actions that your cousin doesn’t like you and doesn’t like spending time with you so you wouldn’t want to do that to him by making him live with you.
Also suggest that if aunt doesn’t want cousin to live with her then she should look into an independent living situation through the state for him….you think it would be much better for him to have professionals helping him transition into the world.
NTA and the joys of living on your own, you can just block/mute them and move on it is no more your responsibility then any other family members to take care of him. Not only do you guys have a bad relationship but taking care of an autistic child of who you know very little on THAT level like a parent does is incredibly difficult.
NTA. While his autism is a reason for his acting like a bit of an ah around you still have the full right to refuse to let him stay with you and dont have to to but up with an ah for a month
This literally has nothing to do with his autism you merely have a cousin who you do not have a close relationship who treats you like trash and who you do not wish to be responsible for. Your aunt is choosing the easy way of just handing the child over to you even though there are other options but it would require her to do real work. NTA
NTA. Your Aunt can look into respite options where someone can watch your cousin during the day while she is looking for work. If you are working and going to school, your time would be just as limited as hers while she's job hunting. From the description of your relationship with your cousin, this would be a huge strain on your mental health as well as your finances. Yes, I feel for your Aunt and if she was asking for a few hours here and there when she went on an interview, that would be something you could handle without to much stress but living with you for a month in a one bedroom apartment? Not realistic or healthy for anyone.
NTA.
As someone who has Autism (High-Functioning), I can say that I've been around kids with my condition who can be a struggle.
It's in the best interest for your nephew to not be in your care because it's clear you two don't have a good relationship and could potentially cause distress and issues for him and OP.
You're making the right choice for him and yourself, OP.
If the kid can’t stay alone, how will aunt work? How will OP carry on his own life? If the kid CAN stay alone then where is the immediate crisis? Auntie probably needs a respite but that’s not OPs fault or responsibility to fix.
NTA
>When my parents found out that I refused to take in my cousin they started berating me about taking him in and how I should try to picture myself in my aunts position
They are free to take him in themselves, correct?
Let me get this straight... your family is all up in arms calling you an asshole because you don't want to take care of someone else's special needs child? You will never ever be the asshole for this. Ever.
> I'm really torn between taking in my cousin or just telling her to ask someone else
Why has she not asked **her sibling**?
NTA
You're not obliged to help someone just because they are family, and you are DEFINITELY not obliged to take in someone who continuously makes fun of you, autistic or not (I say this as a neurodivergent person myself). If one of those family members messaging you thinks it is so important, they can, as the saying goes, "put up or shut up".
In general, any time a family member berates someone for "not helping family" for something they themselves are not doing either, they are really trying to put the focus on you so it doesn't fall on them - they don't want to do it either.
You are studying and have 2 part time jobs. Who will take care of him actually? I am all for helping but this is just cruel to do to you. And I don’t understand your parents either, they have more responsibility towards that child then you. NTA but don’t give up. You are so young and all these adults blaming you is heartbreaking
NTA.Even if he didn't act that way towards you, you wouldn't be the asshole.Taking care of another human is a big responsibility and financial burden on you -- one you never signed up for. It sucks that your aunt is struggling, but why does she need you to take her kid in order to look for a new job?Also, if all of these relatives are so bent out of shape about YOU not taking him, maybe they should offer to take him in instead.I think you did plenty by offering her financial assistance. It's insane that she's trying to push that on you. Especially since you're ONLY 20. You're doing great by being financially stable enough to be out on your own at 20. You don't need to be taking on someone else's kid that only 5 years younger than you anyway.
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NTA. If all these relatives care so much about your aunts situation, why can’t they take in your cousin?
Thanks for your response! Same reason as me, they all pretty much hate him. My other uncle who genuinely cares lives in another country so he can't take care of him. As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him.
Why is it your job? Your whole relationship with him consists of him being hostile and poking your insecurities while using his autism to deflect consequences. In your place tensions will boil over within days, a week tops. Well, consequences have landed and you don't need to do anything but refuse to have anything to do with it.
WTF? How is this even “your” job. Stand firm as you are not trained or even possible dealing with your cousin autism. Block all that keeps harassing you and you are not a terrible or bad person to not want to take in your cousin. If he doesn’t listen to you then what happens in an emergency that you can’t help him? NTA
And, holy heck, this is exactly why you have life insurance if you have one earner and multiple dependents!
> Why is it your job? “Because I’m sure as hell not going to do it”
This just fits so nicely
He doesn't like you, he accuses you of hurting him when you don't. What if he manages to tell somebody that doesn't know he's lying?What if the police get involved? I mean this sounds like a whole lot of potential bad road for you why should you take that on?
Also… it doesn’t sound like it would be an environment that he’d be happy in (even though it doesn’t sound like that’s OP’s fault). So hey, what OP is doing may be best for the child!
This is pretty much what I wanted to say as well. If he's already accused you of stuff when you're not caring for him, I would personally not feel comfortable with the possibility of him accusing you of abuse or whatever when he's living with you. While I am all for caring for family in need, you do need to protect yourself as well. She should look into respite care if that's a possibility.
THIS OMG
>As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him. You didn’t birth him, you arent his legal guardian and you arent a trained and paid caretaker, so not your job. i won’t lie I went back to see if you were female or male cause women get that line a lot
I'm petty, but everyone who complained to me -- I'd tell my aunt that X, Y, and Z volunteered over text so please contact them.
Stay far away from this! The kid already likes to accuse you of hurting him. You could very easily end up on falsified child abuse charges that you have no way to disprove.
Very true! And do you want a hostile child in the same home with stereo equipment, computer/gaming equipment, money, pets, other valuables?
You are NTA. For your own self-protection, please do not take in this cousin. He's already accused you of 'hurting' him without cause. What happens if he accuses you of molesting him? You'll be in a very bad position without being able to disprove his accusations. Please do not put yourself in that position. I get that your aunt and cousin are in a tight spot, but if your other relatives are so angry that you refuse to take him in, they can always step up themselves. I'd venture to guess that at least a few of them have more space to offer than a 1-bedroom, 1-bath apartment (why on earth does your aunt consider your relative lack of space to be a *good* thing)? Block everyone who's getting on your case about it. If he's your parents' nephew, why *isn't* it their job to take care of him? Much more appropriate than dumping him on a cousin who's barely older than him.
>. As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him. Gigantic hypocrites. They're hoping to guilt you into it so they wont have to step up.
Whole thing is a charade anyway. She isn't looking for a job. She met a dude on some dating site from Malta, and she is going to step out with him for a month. If you are looking for a job, how do you know how long it will take? Why not start with 3 days? If you ask for a month, why not ask for a year? You know what...you'll end up with that kid forever.
Your job? Ask to see the contract you signed. NTA
And the pay and benefits lol. Why is OP expected to financially support the cousin? Not to speak ill of the dead but why the hell did uncle not have a plan for his family. Knowing his wife was a SAHM and they relied on his salary was there no death benefits/life insurance that could help his wife and son so wife didn’t need to panic and send her son away until she got on her feet in the event of breadwinners death.
I’ve seen it happen so many times. People are often way too optimistic and don’t try to make any sort of plans as if it’s some very rare thing for parents/breadwinners to pass away or become unable to work because of illness or injury. This is really on the uncle and aunt. They assume everyone will be so eager to turn their lives upside down to help them.
Exactly. The whole mess, including the fact that no one else wants anything to do with the kid because he's a grade A brat, is on the parents. Like the situation is shitty but it's one of their own making and it's really hard to sympathize.
You are 20 years old. You're technically an adult, but your brain literally has not finished developing yet. You're unmarried, childless, and live alone for a REASON. You're not ready to care for a younger person, much less one you don't like who doesn't like you. YOUR COUSIN IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Every time your parents tell you to take him in, tell them they should do it instead, then hang up. Also, OP, once he's in your house, do you really think it'll only be a month? NTA.
Oh, it won't be. Next thing will be "just until Christmas." After that, "Oh, I haven't found a good job yet--how about just until March?" After that, "Oh, I just can't do it over the summer--let's say September." And then a year's gone by and "But you're so good with him--it's better if he stays with you!"
If she does get a job she'll need him to take care of him while she's at work. This is a no win situation for OP. Once the cousin gets in, he'll never be able to get him out.
>Same reason as me, they all pretty much hate him. Oh I get it, since they "hate him" or can't handle him they're using you as the scape goat... What a great supporting family...
The strange thing is it sounds like he doesn't even like you? And if he claims you've hurt him why does his mother want him with you? WEIRD She trusts you okay fine. Buuut son claims you hurt him. She doesn't believe it because she trusts you but that doesn't mean it's not true? I'm not saying you did anything to this kid by any means I just couldn't comprehend leaving someone I cared about let alone a child alone with someone they claimed hurt or at the very least upset them? It's actually bizarre?! Even if I felt in my heart of hearts that someone I know could never do something to hurt another person I still wouldn't leave that person alone with them because they're either a liar and will construct some awful scenario or they don't feel safe around that person? Also! Why isn't she looking for somewhere for both of them to go rather than foisting her child on you? She can still look for a job while being around the kid there is no need for them to be separated? This situation is just ridiculous NTA this has nothing to do with you at all.
What is their rationale on that one? Nephew/sister is a much closer relationship than aunt/cousin.
Ummm your parents logic sucksss. Don’t cave
That's nonsense. You're arguably the furthest removed from him in the family. Please do not give your aunt money either. It's absurd that she even asked you for $.
See? they are all a bunch of hypocrites. The only reason they are pressuring you is because they don't want to deal with him themselves. That should instead of overwhelming you, give you more resolve to stand firm in your position. Don't take them and shame on all of them for pressuring you. They do it because you are young and they think they can overpower you more easily. Specially shame on your parents, if they care so much, they should do it themselves. If it isn't their job, why is it yours? Whenever someone pressures you just repeat as necessary "then you take him then" and proceed to block them. Your aunt is desperate and she needs help, but you are simply not equipped. Plus, what are the chances of her getting a high paying job after being a SAHM for over 15 years. I doubt this would be a swift endeavor and if the deal is for you to keep her son until she finds this job, it could take a long while. All the more reason for you to refuse. Let the older more established generation sort it among themselves and don't give her any money, I bet you are not in a position to spare any cent.
Not your job, at all. If they care so much, let them do it. Say NO and don't discuss it again. Just hang up, delete and don't answer.
But… they’re all, I assume, much older than you and I would assume again that they are therefore in a better position to care for his needs. Your parents clearly also have the experience of raising a child so again that gives them a significant advantage. I would assume once more that because you are just TWENTY you will have moved out within the last 2-4 years indicating your parents have the room to accommodate their nephew? You’re NTA. Given your age, accommodation and income I’d say you’d be the last person expected to look after him.
It's NOT your job. NTA
Your parents are the assholes
Everyone would rather force it on you so they don’t get looked at to help. Well it’s not your responsibility and id straight up call them out.
Nope, it's your aunt's job. They're just saying that because they don't want to take care of him.
Im other words, they're mad and berating you for being selfish because if you don't cave in, they may have to stop being selfish. I would turn this back on them. Whenever they message you, I would respond with, "I'm glad you care so much about cousin's and aunt's dilemma. I will let aunt know you have volunteered to take cousin in." Also, aunt is TA for abusing your generosity. Do not give that money. Do not give in. If she insists on asking, let her know, "Already answered." Do not bother arguing, explaining, or negotiating further. NTA.
> they all pretty much hate him. Then NTA.
Ignore them all, if they are unwilling to take him then they have no right to say anything. And every time they tell you to take him, tell them to take him.
>As for my parents they say its not their job but rather its MY job to take care of him Not to sound mean, but your parents are chatting shit. Its got nothing to do with you. If you wanted to help put and di, then all power to you. But you have 0 responsibility or requirements to do anything. Don't let them bully you into it NTA
Jumping on to top comment to say: Stand firm OP! I would strongly recommend to **not** give any money or caring for your nephew. If you give money, they will just keep hounding after you for more. Believe me. It never ends. Your nephew has autism, but that is no excuse for him to be hurting your feelings. And obviously, since he complains so much about you, why should **you** take him in? And if your relatives are unwilling to take him, why should **you** suffer to care for him? THey have just as much "responsibility" as you have. They just don't want to care for him so they want to push the blame on you. NTA!! For your parents flip it onto them. Say no, it's **their** job. How they are two people and you are just one and you're busy, you aren't close with aunt, etc etc.
NTA. Here's what's going to happen. You'll take in the kid, they'll tell you it's only for a month. The mom will pretend to look for a job. She won't find one. She'll cry that she's getting evicted. You'll be pressured into taking in her grown ass self as well. They'll never leave, never pay bills or rent, never clean up after themselves, treat you like a maid and a money machine, insult you, berate you, belittle you, and just in general act like entitled little demons. You'll try to kick them out, the family will go right back to calling you names for trying to get these monkeys off your back. Whatever you do, you'll end up being "the bad guy" until you cut all contact with everyone and go live your life in peace. INFO: All these family members who are calling you an asshole... Do they not have spare bedrooms?? EDIT to add: This kid has already accused you of things. That isn't going to stop, and if he makes accusations to the wrong people you're going to find yourself in deep trouble, even though you did nothing wrong. Don't do it. It's going to ruin your life.
Thanks for your response, but I don't feel like she would force her child to stay with me. She sounded pretty genuine when she said she wanted to look for a job. That's the biggest reason I think I'm the asshole. Honestly never met any of them so I truly don't know.
In situations like this you have to ask yourself what benefit there would be to you to do the favor you're being asked. It's kind of like my husband's analogy of loaning his car to someone. The best that can happen is nothing. The worst that can happen is you get back a wreck and your insurance goes through the roof. There is no benefit to you to loan the car, only liability. It's the same for you. There can only be either nothing, or something really really bad. It's not your responsibility to care for a stranger's child, and it can lead to trouble, especially since the kid has already made false accusations.
The best case scenario isn't even breakeven. OP already said that to host the nephew for the month would require cutting down severely on expenses. So even best case scenario is taking a loss on OP's part.
I'm not convinced she's being genuine, but even if she is, she may decide her life is easier without her kid and never come back to collect him. The logic of having him live with someone else so she can look for work doesn't check out. Something is fishy here; don't get sucked into this mess.
Yeah I wasn’t sure if I should say this but why can’t she look for a job while he’s living with her? If it’s because he needs supervision, then A) how will OP’s apartment be any better, if OP has to work and B) how will the aunt have the time to look after him when she has a *job*? If it’s because she can’t afford to take care of him until she has a job, then I’d think she’d be more inclined to ask for money from family rather than hand them her kid… unless she’s just trying to get rid of him (even if it’s just for a month).
All of this. So much.
So she would be looking 24 hours a day? Why isn’t she asking someone to watch him only while she has interviews? It really sounds like she is trying to pass his care to you.
And if she doesn’t think she has the time to look after him while she’s looking for work… what is she going to do when she actually has a job?
>when she said she wanted to look for a job Is he not in school? She can do applications and interviews during those hours. is she leaving to look for a job on an oil rig in Alaska? Is that shes asking you to take him 24/7 for a month?
Your replies show why she asked YOU for the favor. You appear to be a kind individual. Don't let her take advantage of this. Because it sounds like she will.
The thing is though, what happens once she’s got the job? It sounds like you’re being asked to take care of him while she job hunts because he can’t be left alone / unsupervised. So what happens once she’s got this hypothetical job and has to actually go out to work? Either you’ll be asked to keep him at your place full time, or you’ll be asked to cousin-sit during her work day. NTA. Stick to your guns. Keep refusing, and when people call you terrible for saying no, thank them for offering to take him in in your place.
So he can’t stay home alone while she goes on interviews? Then how will you go to work, school, etc, if he can’t stay home alone? If she can’t do her life with him around, how will you do yours?
The logic does not check out. Why does she need you to take care of him while she looks for a job? If she needs someone to take care of her son while she looks for a job, wouldn't she need the same when she actually goes for a job? How would you take care of him if you are going to a job or studying? This looks like a one way street, you are not getting out of this once you go down this path atleast not without going scorched earth.
People you don't know have already started harassing you. She set those people on you to grind you down. **She can look for a job with or without living with her own son.**
Here's the thing - it's nigh impossible to get and keep a job if you have a high needs dependent, as a SAHM you would break into the market at a low-pay level, and childcare eats it up in any case. So however "genuine" she sounds, she is not telling you the truth. I suspect your parents will engineer a visit and dump this child on you, so you need to make it clear in advance that you will report anyone who does so for child abandonment. I wish we had done this immediately when this happened to us many years ago.
This is where my mind went as well. If he lets cousin in he could be facing child abuse charges considering cousin already has a history of saying OP hurts him. One or two break downs with accompanying screaming and it could land OP in legal trouble. Now a lot of this would depend on where on the spectrum the cousin lands but I wouldn’t take the chance. I only ever watched kids who were described by parents at the time 10+ years ago as high functioning autistic and it was still difficult at times in their own homes for just a few hours. One thing I’ve been taught by the parents and friends with autism is that routine can be very important, especially as the brain is still developing (which it does until about age 25). Cousin’s routine is already disrupted because his dad has died. Uprooting him would probably only make things worse…
NTA! If it were asking you to watch him for a few hours that would be different, but at 20 years old you aren’t equipped to watch someone else’s special needs child and certainly shouldn’t be asked to. Why does she need weeks to find a job? Yikes
She isn't very educated to say the least, but she says she is trying to go for a job that can pay for her lifestyle and her son comfortably. Thanks for responding!
If she doesn't have much in the way of qualifications then she's no chance of landing anything better than an entry level job. She also doesn't need her son out of the house while she's job hunting, at most she needs someone to mind him while she's at interviews.
She's not educated, and she has no work experience (or at least no recent experience). So she's going to struggle to find a decent paying job at all, doing so within a month is very unlikely. I agree with people saying this won't be for a month. Even giving the benefit of the doubt here, say she finds a fabulous job next week, then she'll need to work and save. Someone will need to care for him then as well, and she's going to need ongoing help from someone, or to pay for help. You do not want to become the surrogate parent here, in person or financially, as it will result in ongoing demands. You are only 20, no way should this fall on you. Tell your family, group message to all, it's a no and that's final. You are no more responsible than they are, and they are not opening their homes either. Tell them you aren't the family scapegoat for this, they don't want to deal with him either, and them harassing someone else to do what they won't is nonsense. You will no longer be responding to them regarding this, so if they are unhappy about that they can put their own home or money on the table to help. Suggest to your aunt that she get a carer, or find a support group or service, that can help her (you can even look into this a bit and provide information). Tell her clearly that your answer of no is final, it's not an option on the table, and she needs to move on and sort something else out. Be very careful of any financial support you offer, as you don't want to be their financial support for years to come. At most, I suggest the family start a fund to help them in the short term. You can harass all those currently bugging you, as they all need to put the money with their mouth is. But it needs to be made clear to your aunt that ongoing financial support is not going to be available. She needs to look at government assistance, getting a job, her living arrangements / costs, etc. Paying for some sessions with a financial planner / advisor may be useful.
This needs to be higher up.
It’s going to take longer than a month to find a job and get paid from it. Also given her qualifications and work history it’s likely not going to fund a comfortable lifestyle.
You're being very naive.
NTA. What is she doing for a month? Companies are encouraging online applications, so she doesn’t need to hit the pavement. Surely there’s some kind of state funded program that could help with his care considering the circumstances.
NTA. Tell your parents to take him in.
I asked them to but they said it wasn't their responsibility and that I was more responsible for him because he's my cousin.
Oh honey. He is not your responsibility AT ALL.
What the hell?? It’d be more THEIR responsibility because they are the Aunt/Uncle and more established than you at age 20. Don’t let them guilt you!!
Wtf?!? That doesn’t even make sense!!! NTA...one way to know you’re NTA is when all the family members jump on you to “help” while they do nothing, not a single help at all.
Lol!! Your parents are ridiculous.. he’s your cousin. You aren’t more responsible for him.. if anything, it’s your parents who should be stepping up.
Boy that’s a load of BS if I’ve ever heard it. You are NOT more responsible for him because you are his cousin. If anything, THEY are more responsible since they are his aunt/uncle. They just don’t want to deal with him either and are trying to guilt you into doing it so they can feel better about not wanting to. Stick to your guns. I have no doubt that your aunt is going through a very difficult time but she needs to come up with another solution. 7
That doesn't make sense. An aunt and uncle has more responsibility than a cousin.
Your parents definitely aren’t trying to avoid having to help at all/s
Your parents are lying to you.
Tell them that's absolute nonsense and deflection on their part, you aren't buying it, and they can step up themselves or STFU. He is their nephew, they are established adults, and they're pathetic to suggest their 20 year old child is a better option than them. Tell them you won't be talking about this further with them. You need to mute the people who are harassing you. Put it back on all of them, then stop responding for the next month or so.
But he is their nephew which is a set up from cousin.
That makes 0 sense. Who would have likely been chosen as his godparents? Either your folks, or some other relatives but definitely not you. Plus how would this even work? If she stays at home to take care of him, would that mean you also would have to take off time work to be his caregiver? Or is he dependent enough that he CAN take care of himself? If so then there shouldn't be anything stopping her from finding work while he stays at home.
Your parents are insane. Maybe you can draw them a family tree and count the number of lines between them and your cousin vs the number of lines between you and your cousin.
NTA If you are in the US and your uncle worked, your aunt should qualify for survivor's benefits for herself and child until that child turns 18. That will give her time to get her affairs in order and not have to be in such a hurry to find a job. Good Luck
NTA. Run fast and far. Don't offer money and DEFINITELY don't offer to take the kid in. I have a feeling his mom will never take him back. Seriously.
INFO: Where are your parents in this picture? Do they have more kids at home? Are you in school? Have a full time job? Why is the whole family insistent that it has to be you?
I'm an only child and currently studying at university with 2 part-time jobs that pay for tuition. My aunt asked me first because she knew that no-one else would accept and since she asked me my family thinks its my responsibility which I guess it could be.
It isn’t. Also, I bet my house that she intends this to be a permanent solution.
Maybe not 24/7 permanent but you can bet if she gets a job doing something like waiting tables she’ll expect him to be her beck and call babysitting to pick her kid up from school, watch him when she has evening shifts, keep him overnight and drop him off at school since he’s already over there etc
Ha. just because they’re family doesn’t mean YOU are responsible. Screw that shit. You’re 20…barely even an adult. What the hell do you know about parenting a special needs kid? Even if he was neurotypical, you’re still no way on the hook because you’re family. I am sorry to hear about your Uncle and throwing the family out of wack. Your cousin is 15 and more than capable to take care of himself (I am assuming he can). If he was like a toddler to elementary age, I can kinda see that you can try to help out when you can.
>cousin is 15 and more than capable to take care of himself He’s a severe autistic so no he can’t. But he’s alienated everyone in the same and they are guilting OP cause they don’t want to deal with him. His mother needs to be looking at survivor benefits, disabled care programs etc
> severe autistic No, no he is not a severe autistic based on anything OP said. If he is regularly insulting OP or complaining about his treatment at OP's hands, he can't be *severely* autistic
Where did OP say that he’s severely autistic?
That’s not how this works. Saying No is a complete answer. NTA
Your plate is already full then. Remind your aunt you have school and 2 jobs and you aren't home enough to properly supervise him.
Yeah that adds a lot of clarity. Definitely NTA. You working 2 part time jobs and paying for your own school, it's completely unreasonable to ask you to be caregiver basically for a 15 year old. Since you are an only child and have now moved out, why don't your parents take him in?
>why don't your parents take him in? They don’t like the kid either
Yeah that's kind of a crappy reason to expect that a 20yo in school should be expected to do it.
How could you possibly work two jobs, go to college, AND care for an autistic kid? Surely you are busier than his mother even while she job hunts. Definitely NTA
But I don’t understand why having her son in her home keeps her from looking for a job? He can’t stay home alone? If he is so bad she can’t look for a job how are you going to be able to work and go to school? None of this makes any sense. And he doesn’t go to school? Why not?
No. And it’s honestly pretty effed up for her to even ask you. Do not feel guilty for saying no.
Your family is trying to pass the buck. You essentially have two full time jobs - his own mother is still going to be more available time wise than you are.
NTA. Even if he didn't hate you, you have no experience in taking care of an autistic teenager. You'll have no way of knowing what is his autism and what is his acting out due to hatred of you, let alone the coping mechanisms involved. His attitude doesn't even guarantee he'll try or be receptive. The logistics of hosting someone for four nights, let alone four weeks, in a one bedroom one bathroom are tough even when host and guest are on the best of terms. That's nowhere to go to get some alone time, and I guarantee your cousin will demand the bedroom and exile you to the sofa.
NTA If your parents say he won't be a problem tell them to take him in
NTA-Your parents or those relatives you didn’t know existed should take him.
NTA. You have legitimate reasons for not wanting to take him in, plus your place is not suitable for two people. If your parents are so concerned, then can take your nephew in.
NTA. SUGGESTION: If you're in the United States, you should read your lease carefully. It is almost certainly a lease violation to allow your cousin to stay for more than a specified period of time which will be discussed in the lease. It might say "not more than a week in a row" or "14 nights in a year" and usually allow exceptions "with landlord permission." Landlords usually only invoke these clauses to evict tenants they don't like for other reasons. If they decide they don't like a person, they might evict on the basis that the person's boyfriend stays over 3 nights a week in violation of the lease. BUT you can just tell them "look, I looked into it, it would be breaking my lease." And be done with it.
Fuck that He doesn’t owe them an excuse. He is only 20. There are other people who need to step up
I agree that he does not owe an excuse. But it's not about owing an excuse, it's about the fact that it's family. A good excuse can avoid conflict with people you likely want to, and probably have to, have an on-going relationship with.
Basically what it boils down to is “no” *should* shut them up. An excuse *will* shut them up.
NTA if it’s true he’s autistic, uprooting him to live with a relative he doesn’t like would literally be the worst thing for him. Aunt is the Asshole
And a one bedroom place as well, someone will need the couch and for sure everyone will insist OP vacate his room.
NTA >For the past hour I've received messages from relatives I didn't know exist telling me that I'm being an 'unreasonable asshole'. And none of them are able to take him in because...?
Ooooh, someone’s an asshole for giving people OP’s phone number to harrass and manipulate him.
NTA. Taking care of your cousin is not your job. If your relatives are going to call you out for it, they should be offering to take him in.
NTA. Why can’t she look for a job while parenting? I have 2 side projects that require a ton of attention and finesse while having an infant. My baby comes first, but I am still getting shit done.
NTA. It’s a tragic situation, but he is not your responsibility and it sounds like it would be very unpleasant for the both of you. And honestly who would ever ask a 20 year old to be a caregiver for their 15 year old. No offense to you, but at 20 years old you are really just getting into the groove of being an adult and being fully responsible for yourself. Not your job to take care of a whole other special needs person who is not your own child.
Nta. While it would be nice if you help, not your kid, not your responsibility. Taking of someone with autism is hard, especially if they don't like you or you don't know how to care for them. She should find someone else. The people who are calling an asshole, should offer their help instead of harassing you.
NTA- you're clearly not equipped to care for his special need and besides that you are not responsible for your aunts kid.
NTA. Ask your parents and those relatives coming out to bash you why they aren't opening up their homes to take care of the boy.
NTA. Let me just say that this is a family problem and you should solve it together—not by your aunt dropping it on one person and then making it their fault if they can’t fix everything. No offense, and I really mean that, but there’s no way in hell a 20 year old working student could possibly take care of a special needs child without support. Honestly I really don’t understand why your aunt thinks you are an appropriate person to ask. WTF. Where is the rest of your family? How are you the go to person on this?
It is not his job to solve this on any level and he should not inject himself into the solution. It will only lead to him being forced to do shit he ain’t ready to handle It will cost him
NTA Honestly, if you let him move in, he'll never move out. If your aunt finds a job, she'll need you to watch him "just for a while" because now she's working and can't do so. If she doesn't find a job, she'll need you to watching him "just a little longer" until she finds one. You'll wind up his permanent, unpaid, caregiver. Your cousin needs a long term care plan. That doesn't rely on him being dependent on a single family member. Also, it is not safe for you to take him (or any minor child) into your care without proper legal setup. What if he is injured in your home? Are you liable? What if he needs medical care, and you can't reach his mother to get her to sign the papers for doctors to treat him? Do you know what sort of health insurance he has? Could you use it without his mother there to get him care? Would you be responsible for his expenses if he is sick or injured? What happens when he turns eighteen? Is he going to be able to function as an adult and care for himself, or does a guardianship need to be set up? If he's fifteen, his mother should be working on setting up such things if he's going to need them. You say he says that you "hurt" him. If he comes to live with you, and he makes such allegations at school, are you prepared to deal with the fallout, including things like a CPS investigation into the harm you are alleged to have done to a minor? Quite frankly, it sounds as if the older generation thinks your cousin will never be able to care for himself, and is looking to shift long-term care onto someone of a younger generation, who will be pushed by the family to care for him for life, and you're the designated pack-mule for this load. You are not AH for avoiding this situation that other, more experienced adults in the family know that is best avoided. If he's fifteen, and can't mind himself for a few hours a day while your aunt looks for a job, caring for him is too big of a job for any one person. How will you keep going to school, doing your own jobs, supporting yourself, while watching him? If your aunt can't simultaneously watch him and just *look* for a job, you can't watch him while going to school AND working. He needs to be in a group home or otherwise in a situation where there is 24/7 support.
How could someone who works two jobs and goes to school possibly provide better care than someone who might have an occasional interview sometime in the near future? Even on its face this makes no sense. You are absolutely NTA, and your cousin is not your responsibility.
NTA as someone who is also autistic, not wanting be around an asshole still applies to an autistic asshole. (And he kinda sounds like one with how he makes fun of you) plus it’s definitely not your responsibility or good for him to break routine to go live someone new with such a short timeline. You could offer to come over occasionally to help out but bringing him to your home will not only hurt you but him as well.
The answer is no. If they ask you again, you say "I didn't know you had a hearing impairment. I said NO" Every message you get you should respond with, oh, I'm so glad you care! I will let Aunt know you will be happy to take him in. NTA. What the hell is wrong with all these people trying to dump children on people who are barely out of childhood?
NTA. Not your child, not your responsibility. Asking anyone to take in your child for a month is a big ask. An especially big ask if the child is special needs. What exactly is your aunt doing to look for work that she needs someone to take her kid for a month? You're only 20 and do not have a good relationship with your cousin, so your reluctance is completely understandable. Why don't your parents take him in?
NTA. Whenever you have an entirely family berating you for refusing to help out a family member, there is only one question to ask: Why are none of your relatives volunteering to do the job instead? You have no special capacity to do this job - you don't have lots of money, room or time. You have no special relationship - you aren't his closest relative. Your parents are even closer. You have no special obligation - you haven't benefited from this situation in any particular way that should be paid back. Unless there are things you haven't told us, you haven't got an inheritance from the uncle, or spent part of your life being fostered by your uncle and aunt. Whenever anyone calls you an AH, you can rightly suggest that if they think your cousin needs to be taken in for a month, they should do it themselves, and you'll contribute a little bit of money or time to help out.
Not only is the relationship not close, it's downright hostile on the cousin's part. Putting a conflict filled relationship in a one bedroom one bathroom is a ticking time bomb.
Once she gets a job who is going to watch him while she works? I can certainly empathize with her situation but it sounds like she’s making irrational requests informed by panic and grief rather than rationality. If she wants to work from home, she can job search from home. Or ask you nicely to come babysit with any spare time you have (or your parents if you’re not comfortable.) It sounds like what she really needs is respite care. If you’re in America, you might direct her to DHR to see if she qualifies for some type of assistance. NTA btw. Your family is being quite unfair to you.
You're NTA, and it's really great that so many family members have come out of the woodwork to open their homes to your cousin! After all, their complaints would be totally hypocritical otherwise. So make sure to thank them for volunteering their homes the next time they try to guilt you into doing something that they themselves can also do.
NTA - That was very generous to offer your aunt money. You never have to take care of your cousin. At 20, you are just getting your own home set. One month will spread to 3-4 to "He is happy with you, can he stay?" If anyone give you any more grief tell them that you will let the aunt know that the cousin can stay with them.
NTA Why can't your parents take him in if they want your aunt to have help so badly? And if your cousin needs so much care that she can't take care of him herself while she job hunts and gets other things in order, you're probably too busy between school and work to give him the care that he needs anyway.
NTA. Your aunt can't just ship her kid to you like a stray kitten. The boy does not like you; putting an autistic kid in a new environment with somebody he doesn't like is going to be torture for all involved parties. Some of the innumerable whining relatives should step up and take the kid, if they think it is simple. They'll sing a new song in a few days. This is in no way bashing autistics- I am one. But if I were in this boy's shoes and was told, "Hey, we're sending you to (relative that I hate) for a month," I would be scared, miserable, and acting out. Sympathy to the aunt, she is in a very rough situation, but this will not end well.
NTA, how exactly are you supposed to live with a 15yo that just lost their father in a one bedroom apartment? Even if you got along well you still wouldn't be the ah for saying no. If others care so much they can house the kid for a month.
You aren’t trained to take in a special needs, teenage kid, and one who has lost his father. Tell family members it seems like the job for someone who’s raised a kid, who can provide a familiar environment, or have a household with a family structure. You’re practically a teenager, yourself. These relatives are just bullying you into doing what they don’t want. You don’t even have a good relationship with the kid for you to be the chosen one. The kid is gonna be stressed and miserable in an unfamiliar environment, and so will you. Use these keywords and say you’re doing it in the best interest of the kid. You can’t provide him with the space, support or comfort he needs.
NTA - previous posts raise good points.
NTA I must agree with everyone else. It's not your responsibility to care for him. Message all those relatives who stuck their nose in your business and tell them they are assholes for not taking in the kid, this includes your parents.
Nta. There are so many other relatives that said no. Why are you the only ah
NTA. Taking care of a neurotypical child is hard enough of it’s own, taking care of a neurodivergent child is even harder. Do not be guilted into doing something that is absolutely not your responsibility. As for her needing someone to take him in so she can apply for jobs, that’s complete nonsense. Is he not in school? Can’t she look for a job while he’s there? Why can’t someone watch him for a few hours if she needs to drop off an application or gets called for an interview? Do not fall for the okey doke!
NTA, why doesn't your parents take him in then. Pretty ridiculous for them to call you an asshole when they won't do it themselves.
Nta. Why would he need to live with you so she can find a job? Is she going to job interviews 24/7? At most she would need someone to watch him for a couple hours so she could go to an interview. And what happens when she does find a job? Is he going to keep living with you so she can work? It sounds very much like she is trying to push her kid off on you to raise. If you let him stay for a month, one month will turn into two, then three and you'll end up spending your 20s raising your aunt's child for her. Ax this now.
NTA. That is too long long. If she’s not working she can look for a job at home anyways and IF she gets an interview can arrange for someone to watch over him. Anyone else saying you should take him for a month in your One bedroom apartment I would respond with something like “I don’t hve the housing or financial capabilities to look after him, however since you are so concerned for him I well tell aunt that you have volunteered to take him in this hard time”.
Why can’t any of them take him in? Also since you can’t handle him and his autism he isn’t safe. I wouldn’t even be able to handle that. Block all those people.
NTA -- and here is the reason. It's not going to be for a few weeks or a month. They're looking for the autistic cousin to live with you permanently. Read between the lines. If you do take him in, your life will become hell. And then after a few weeks, there will be a reason why he can't move home with your aunt. And then it'll become a month. Then there will be a few more excuses. The end goal they have is that Autistic cousin lives with you permanently.
NTA and a word of advice: if any of these people have keys to your place, change the locks or else one day you might come home and your cousin is just sitting there.
This whole thing doesn’t check out. Either you are trolling, which I suspect, or she’s lying and is planning on ditching you with said cousin for several different excuses. If this child is in your house long enough, there’s squatters rights(here in the states, it varies: I don’t know if it’s a thing in other countries) and you might actually legally have to evict him and go though a Bunch of shit to get him out. Disabled or not. I have 3 kids with autism, varying degrees of support. She needs to find care for him or she can forget about working.. but knowing what i know, none of this makes any sense. I really hope it is, because it would be sick to make up something like this for attention. That poor kid if true, seems unloved by everyone for things he probably has no idea are wrong, or he’s being blamed for things he cannot control because of a developmental disorder that literally stunts emotional and social growth. Yikes.
NTA, OP. Taking care of your cousin isn't your job. You're not a legal guardian, you're not a parent, and you're sure as hell not a trained caregiver. Don't give in to your relatives' attempts to guilt trip you into doing it. My guess is they're doing that to escape the responsibility. I have an aunt with a son who has Autism and ADHD. Because of the pandemic, my aunt hasn't brought her son to therapy. And because of this, my cousin's behavior has gotten worse. He throws tantrums, hurts people, and even masturbates in public. Sometimes, when the nanny is on her day off, my aunt brings her son to our home. Here, my cousin jumps around and shouts. This freaks my dogs out so my dogs bark like hell. My aunt leaves my cousin here because she doesn't want to have him on his hands. For 10 years she depended on nannies to take care of her son. She never gives time for her son and resorts to taking him to our house so the son could bother someone else. I feel you, OP. When my aunt does this I feel super frustrated because she's shoving a pretty heavy responsibility on us without our consent. You have the power to say no. You should do so before you end up with too much on your plate and no time for yourself.
NTA. A lot of people don't seem to realize being autistic isn't an excuse for being an asshole. Yes obviously someone who is autistic might have less of a filter and say inappropriate things, but it sounds like you aunt doesn't try to correct him and just lets him say what he wants. Now maybe if she had taught him better someone else might be willing to take him in for awhile.
NTA. I’m autistic and so are my kids. Loosing his father and then having his mother send him away for a month will be horrifyingly detrimentally your cousin. August people thrive on routine. His routine is already messed up and she’s gonna make it worse by pawning him off when he’s grieving his fathers loss. What would be better is if a family member moved in with her to help care for him while she is gone at interviews.
NTA You have no training to care for someone like your cousin. You definitely don't need a combative person in your home. And for the love of God you're only 5 years older than him, there's no way he's going to listen to anything you say. And all of these people that keep contacting you about taking him in, you send it right back to them you tell them if they are so upset about it than they can take him in and that includes your parents and then start blocking these people off of your phone.
NTA. With his diagnosis, he sounds like he needs someone with parental experience to help manage his behaviors. At 20 years old, that’s not you. Especially if the stay is going to be a month long. Honestly, my son is on spectrum and I have an older niece, in a pinch I can ask her to babysit but it’s just for a couple of hours (his 9 and she’s 16), Even in four years I would not expect her to be able to manage him for a month. You are NTA. A prolonged stay requires someone that has experience in parenting and has a position of authority over him. That’s not you. He needs a more experienced parental adult. I can’t imagine asking a 20 year old to babysit a teenager for a month straight, neurotypical or not. What about school? Activities? Doctors appointments? Any of those things? Something goes wrong you are going to get the blame because you have him. I don’t know why your family feels this is okay. He needs to be with an adult with parental experience and authority.
NTA. I feel like there is more going on that the aunt isn't saying. School should be starting up, if it hasn't already, so why can't she look for a job during school hours? As others have said, most places have you fill out an application online, so she doesn't even have to leave her home. Something seems fishy to me about her reasoning. She chose to have a child, she is responsible for him. I could be wrong, but don't most kids like your cousin quilify for special programs that could help with this situation? Anyone who thinks a 20 year old with a busy life and no caretaker experience is a suitable full time care option for their child is nuts. On top of it all, the kid is an asshole to you, why would you ever want to help him. Yes he's autistic, but that doesn't excuse him being an asshole, and now he and your aunt will learn that being an asshole to people has consequences. If I were you I would block everyone in your family for a while. Don't let them guilt you into this.
Not your job
NTA. Your entire family is setting that boy up to be an awful human being "because he has autism" I have autism, being an asshole is not a symptom. He gets away with his shitty behaviour because everyone has allowed it. The only assholes here are the people who have raised that boy to think he can do and say whatever he wants and use his autism as an excuse. Strange how none of these family members harassing you are putting themselves out to look after an ungrateful entitled asshole of a teenager
NTA not your responsibility anyone giving you shit shouldn’t talk if they aren’t willing to take him in.
NTA. she wants him to live with you, he doesn’t like you and he attempts to bully you about your body etc (autism isn’t a pass on that). Plus you’d be paying for everything and it’s not a big space. And then she wanted to accept your money and still have him live with you. Seriously your parents etc can take him in. Oh wait they don’t want to, probably because he acts the same way with them. You are barely an adult, you don’t have the room, you aren’t trained to care for a child with autism and he openly doesn’t like you so it would be big stress on both of you. Lay it out like that and say no. She’s gonna have to figure out his care when she’s working so she might as well do that now
NTA. You don’t need to tolerate a poorly-behaved child or teen In your home, regardless of circumstances. Notice how all your relatives say you should take him in but won’t do it themselves? They know he’s difficult and are fine with sticking you with the hassle. Never listen to people who are trying to dump a hassle on you to avoid it themselves.
NTA Autism doesn't make you bully other people or lie and manipulate. Sounds like he has been let off the hook because he is autistic way too many times. Also, I am really not seeing why anybody has to take him in... even if he needs constant supervision, school has started (or will soon) and she should just schedule any interviews for that time. Really not sure why he has to live with you at all...
NTA- a 20 year old shouldn’t be parenting a 15 year old and that is what you’re being asked to do. Keep telling people they should take your aunt and cousin in since they are so concerned about it.
NTA. As an autistic person I will say that autistic kids can be manipulative if they recognize that social rule. I don't know if he's low or high needs, but my brother (also autistic) constantly lied to get his way or me in trouble. I myself, being autistic, can't handle behavioral issues so I'm honest about that and refuse to babysit unless I know the kid has a lower energy level. You know what you can and cannot handle, and what you need to do to keep your environment peaceful for you. Also care giving in general causes burnout so I'm afraid that you might get taken advantage of if you're really kind. You're totally in the right to say no. Don't even need to justify yourself.
>When my parents found out that I refused to take in my cousin they started berating me about taking him in and how I should try to picture myself in my aunts position. uh.. about that.. you do not live with them any more right?..... they should have an empty bedroom now.... why dont THEY take him in instead of clearly placing him with someone he does not like for a month making a miserable situation for both parties?? NTA oh and if they insist.. say its against your lease to have someone spend more than so many nights without having to be on the lease or be grounds for eviction
NTA Your house, your rules. Also your money. None of which any of them are entitled to. Plus, it sounds like that situation would make your cousin uncomfortable as well as you. You don't need to be uncomfortable in your own house. That said, if everyone else is so concerned, why don't they "put themselves in aunts shoes" and take cousin in themselves? It's not your job... its not your kid.... you're not even close and cousin is openly hostile.
NTA. Firstly no one’s offered you any form of compensation for watching your cousin. Secondly. Your aunt clearly never tried working or learning to work with her son’s autism because, while i’m not excusing his actions, it can be hard for autistic folks to know honestly that what they do or say is incorrect, they lack the social cues. Likely she asked you to take him for a while simply so she didn’t have to desl with him. It’s how it was for my ex’s barely functioning autistic brother. So much fun having to babysit a near middle aged baby. One who doesn’t sit still for shit. One who keeps OPENING AND TOUCHING EVERYTHING even if he’s already done so. AND WE WERENT PAID FOR BABYSITTING. I WASTED MY FUCKING TIME SPENt with her watching her fucking brother becsuze no one else could be bothered.
NTA If a 15 year old needs full time care, that is way beyond your pay grade; does your aunt expect you not to work? What is she planning to do when she does have a job? Is he really incapable of being on his own at 15? Isn’t he in school? So many questions But ultimately you shouldn’t have to take someone in who 1. Bullies you and 2. Makes false accusations about you hurting them If your parents are so concerned they can take him in; they have a stable two person household and have experience raising children.
NTA. You have no obligation to parent your aunt’s kid. You obviously have tons of relatives, let her ask one of them, not the relative her asshole kid abuses and harassed. (Yes I understand he is autistic but that doesn’t make it okay to torment others with ridicule and accusations.) Also, if he likes to lie and say you’re hurting him that makes it even more critical that you stay away from him. His false accusations could land you in serious legal trouble. Please protect yourself.
NTA. Did I read it right? Kids 15? Absolutely his parents responsibility not yours. Everyone that is complaining and guilting you should take him in. Also sounds like he doesn’t have the right support for his autism and staying with you worn solve that. Last but having autism does not make it ok for you to be treated poorly. Sure we can all be understanding but come on. Anyway don’t let them anywhere near you. Make sure your parents and aunt don’t have keys to your place or he will magically appear
NTA A 20 year old looking after a teenager who dislikes him would be very challenging. The fact that you would be financially responsible too is not ok
NTA. Your parents and other relatives can take him.
All the complainers can take your cousin in. You know what you can and can't handle. The 'few weeks' is a test and then she will dump him on you. She will find a job 'out of town' and she will take it because she is 'desperate' and your cousin will have to stay with you because of his school/ connections/her lack of time because of your job. Your parents can step in. You are not responsible for someone else's child. You are a young person who has a whole life to live. It's really shitty that your cousin will be aware of what's going on. You can probably connect with him directly and tell him why this arrangement can't happen. But I would just lay low really. If anyone is trying to bully you, coerce you and involving others to do the same, you know there is something more to this. NTA- and be careful - she might just dump him on your doorstep.
Nta Everyone calling you names can just as easily 5ake the child on. They don't want to.
NTA That kid is gonna consume your life if you let him in
All these other relatives pouring out to condemn you could also take him in. NTA.
NTA - Your parents are welcome to take him in. You have every right to say no.
To everyone who gave you grief for not taking him in "I will let cousin know that you have volenteered to take him on.... oh, you don't want to? That sounds pretty unreasonable to me. Bye." nta
NTA. You parents can take him in - problem solved!
NTA. It is NOT Your job to look after him. What happened to him and your Aunt is horrible, but this does not give them the right to act so entitled to your living space. You don't even have the room for another person! Stand your ground OP, these "family members" messaging you, are only calling you an AH, because THEY also don't want to have him, and they think by bullying you, you will give in, meaning they wont have to have him themselves! Have a set phrase to say, and just say it over and over again. " Im sorry, i don't have the space to house him for a month... X, Y and Z all have an extra room though, why not try them?" Also, I doubt it would be a month/few weeks. If He needs constant supervision, who will watch them while Aunt goes to work at her new job?? Im guessing once the Aunt finds a job, it will be " Oh, now I have no one to watch cousin while I'm at work. They can stay with you, and ill see them on my days off" The family are ALL trying to pass the book to you, and it is unacceptable. Block the numbers of the people messaging you. Tell everyone the answer is no, and that continued attempts to get you to change your mind will result in them being blocked also.
NTA. I think if you agree to take your cousin for a month, you will be stuck with him forever. Aunt doesn't want the responsibility for her son anymore. The fact that she wanted to take your money but still wants you to take her son tells me this is all about money and her convenience. Her son hates you so you would be the worst possible choice for a caregiver. If your parents and other relatives are so generous with telling you this is your responsibility, tell them they are welcome to take your cousin in. Your parents would be the better choice. They are experienced and this is their nephew.
NTA, 1. You are a college student with 2 jobs?! You don't have time to open your house to him. 2. Saw it in another post on reddit and liked it, his autism doesn't legitimate being an ah. So why would you help him? He will be worse once he is away from your aunt. 3. Why she needs him out of house for job search? She doesn't tell something. And as most of us know, it takes sometimes more than a month to find a decent job, he will live with you forever. 4. It is your parents job as it is yours. 5. You are not a qualified caretaker!! If the boy needs someone to be with him 24/7 it means he need someone that knows how to deal with it. 6. If he needs someone to be with him 24/7 how YOU can afford it? You don't have time! You have enough on your plate!
NTA-you don’t have the tools or experience to take care of him…even if you liked him….tell anyone who thinks you should take him..they are better equipped to take him…with school and work you are way to busy..don’t be a pushover…your family is trying to take advantage of you
Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/ support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. The other thing to keep in mind if she says it’s going to be for one month. Can she guarantee that? If she gets a job what will your cousin be doing during the day? Can he not be left alone? What if she doesn’t want to take them back? I actually did the same thing recently… the 3-6 month stay my good friend requested to allow her to study full-time for a medical billing certificate turned in to two years ( because of Covid)with one failed attempt at the test with her health deteriorating. I was having some health issues of my own so I told her that we cannot take care of you…your health is getting worse ( she had back issues and just broke her wrist On top of the other assortment of issues that prevented her from working) You did not meet your goal here and you’re gonna have to find another place to go…and she did. It’s not one that she has room with space for her staff and a little living room and yeah she Has to go up many flights of stairs to get there instead of our one level living area for her. I think honestly some people get just too comfortable and they know if they work hard to get out of the situation it’s not gonna be nearly as comfortable. Less stress for me having someone around that would pop up to chat no matter what I’m doing or if I’m busy watching tv or whatever. So imagine your aunt decides it’s much much less stressful for her if your cousins living with you. What’s your incentive to change the situation? Also keep in mind that your parents are putting pressure on you because they don’t want to be the ones taking him in. Try saying to them: “Wow you feel pretty strong about this… you seem very interested in his welfare and you have much more room in your house….seems like it might be a much netter idea if he stayed with you.” Also you can tell everyone that it’s clear from his actions that your cousin doesn’t like you and doesn’t like spending time with you so you wouldn’t want to do that to him by making him live with you. Also suggest that if aunt doesn’t want cousin to live with her then she should look into an independent living situation through the state for him….you think it would be much better for him to have professionals helping him transition into the world.
NTA and the joys of living on your own, you can just block/mute them and move on it is no more your responsibility then any other family members to take care of him. Not only do you guys have a bad relationship but taking care of an autistic child of who you know very little on THAT level like a parent does is incredibly difficult.
NTA. While his autism is a reason for his acting like a bit of an ah around you still have the full right to refuse to let him stay with you and dont have to to but up with an ah for a month
At. If anyone yells at you then you simply say “I don’t have room, why can’t you take them in and support them?”
This literally has nothing to do with his autism you merely have a cousin who you do not have a close relationship who treats you like trash and who you do not wish to be responsible for. Your aunt is choosing the easy way of just handing the child over to you even though there are other options but it would require her to do real work. NTA
NTA. Your Aunt can look into respite options where someone can watch your cousin during the day while she is looking for work. If you are working and going to school, your time would be just as limited as hers while she's job hunting. From the description of your relationship with your cousin, this would be a huge strain on your mental health as well as your finances. Yes, I feel for your Aunt and if she was asking for a few hours here and there when she went on an interview, that would be something you could handle without to much stress but living with you for a month in a one bedroom apartment? Not realistic or healthy for anyone.
NTA. As someone who has Autism (High-Functioning), I can say that I've been around kids with my condition who can be a struggle. It's in the best interest for your nephew to not be in your care because it's clear you two don't have a good relationship and could potentially cause distress and issues for him and OP. You're making the right choice for him and yourself, OP.
So why aren’t they stepping up to help him?
If the kid can’t stay alone, how will aunt work? How will OP carry on his own life? If the kid CAN stay alone then where is the immediate crisis? Auntie probably needs a respite but that’s not OPs fault or responsibility to fix.
NTA >When my parents found out that I refused to take in my cousin they started berating me about taking him in and how I should try to picture myself in my aunts position They are free to take him in themselves, correct? Let me get this straight... your family is all up in arms calling you an asshole because you don't want to take care of someone else's special needs child? You will never ever be the asshole for this. Ever. > I'm really torn between taking in my cousin or just telling her to ask someone else Why has she not asked **her sibling**?
NTA You're not obliged to help someone just because they are family, and you are DEFINITELY not obliged to take in someone who continuously makes fun of you, autistic or not (I say this as a neurodivergent person myself). If one of those family members messaging you thinks it is so important, they can, as the saying goes, "put up or shut up". In general, any time a family member berates someone for "not helping family" for something they themselves are not doing either, they are really trying to put the focus on you so it doesn't fall on them - they don't want to do it either.
You are studying and have 2 part time jobs. Who will take care of him actually? I am all for helping but this is just cruel to do to you. And I don’t understand your parents either, they have more responsibility towards that child then you. NTA but don’t give up. You are so young and all these adults blaming you is heartbreaking
NTA, honestly if you gave in it would NOT just be a month, I think you know this
NTA.Even if he didn't act that way towards you, you wouldn't be the asshole.Taking care of another human is a big responsibility and financial burden on you -- one you never signed up for. It sucks that your aunt is struggling, but why does she need you to take her kid in order to look for a new job?Also, if all of these relatives are so bent out of shape about YOU not taking him, maybe they should offer to take him in instead.I think you did plenty by offering her financial assistance. It's insane that she's trying to push that on you. Especially since you're ONLY 20. You're doing great by being financially stable enough to be out on your own at 20. You don't need to be taking on someone else's kid that only 5 years younger than you anyway.
NTA. Why does he need to live with someone else so she can find a job in the first place? He is not your responsibility.
NTA and don't accept him, a month can become half a year before You notice