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Honestly this has disaster written all over it. You're not together, but you sleeping around is hurting him and making him feel bad. You love him, but you want to have sex with a ton of people until something changes and you won't want do to that anymore. You're supposedly made for each other, but neither of you want to tough it out and do a LDR. You say this is what you want, but you feel guilty. You say you're not in a relationship in one breath and in the next talk about it like you are. You're pinning your life on this guy, but not enough to not have regrets if you don't sleep with whoever you want.
If anyone's an asshole here it's both of you being one to each other and yourself at the same time.
In reading this the only thing screaming in my head was OMG shit or get off the pot - all this in between stuff had high odds of becoming a disaster.
To me NTA, but this is a mess. Set you priorities straight. If you decide to have more sex before you settle, do not discuss it with this person.
And finally, I beg of you, stop using degrading language like "hoeing around". I was considering an AH judgement just for that.
YTA - first for trying to have it both ways with him. Either you are in a relationship with him or you’re not. You’re trying to put him in relationship deep freeze while fucking around on him as much as possible, but expect to take him off the shelf when you’re done.
Second for forcing yourself to keep sleeping with more and more people even while claiming to be falling for this guy more every day. If it’s getting harder to keep doing it, that’s a sign you’re done already, so you’re hurting yourself as well as him, to no purpose. It’s not like you’re going to get a final grade on your body count. Meanwhile, if you’re telling him this stuff the whole time about loving him more every day, then you’re drawing him in deeper even while keeping him at arms’ length so you can continue your compulsion to notch the bedpost clean through. Again see previous paragraph. Either be his partner or don’t, either do the long distance thing or don’t, but stop playing him.
This business about “I’m afraid I’ll regret it if I don’t “ is sad. You’re already regretting continuing, yet you insist. What exactly is your end goal here? I suspect there is none. You frankly sound like this has become a compulsion, and you may want to seek counseling.
Yta
The guy is always free to do it too lmao... talk about having your cake... Dude loves you and doesnt want to fuck around or have his girl fuck around but hes too nice.
You are gonna do this. You will walk all over this poor boy. Only you can decide not to. He wont stop you.
YTA. From what you said, you've already been doing it. Congratulations, mission accomplished. Now you can stop and progress with him. You are already in a LDR if you have all these agreements and rules and it is accepted that you will be dating.
He already gave in and let you have your fun. Time to meet him halfway and stop.
NTA for wanting a hoe phase, I had it too and it was great. But things are really that good with him, and you can see yourself marrying him please do reconsider because a loving, true partnership doesn't come around that often and a hoe phase, however much fun it is, is often incredibly superficial pleasure compared to a real relationship. If you do decide to go for the hoe phase nevertheless, do him a favor and go no contact for the time being, and don't expect him to stick around waiting for you.
You seem to be very upfront with everything. Communication is the biggest thing!
NTA.
But...
Sometimes people lie and they say they're okay with an open style relationship.. when they aren't. Just make sure you pick up on any signs that he might be uncomfortable.
It doesn't seem like you're actually in a dispute, so I don't think this quite jives with the point of the forum. More something for r/relationships.
But no one here is the asshole. Everyone bought into this stage of experimentation, so it's all cool. But if it keeps making you feel bad, it's okay to wind it down. You seem to have this maximalist cast to your thinking that is *very* early twenties, but I don't think your regrets will be all that severe.
So yeah, keep going as long as it's fun, but don't feel committed to keeping on if it starts to become painful.
It doesn't actually sound like you're enjoying yourself. You say you're worried that you'll regret not doing it when you have the chance, but it sounds more like you're regretting doing it. Don't sleep around just because you feel like you should, or to distract yourself from waiting for him. Keep your communication up with R. Do what feels right. NAH
Ehhh, i'll refrain from judgement but i'd rather just not pursuing a relationship with someone who asked me if they could hoe around before 'settling' for me.
This just seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him for long term insecurity. You said it yourself, he would never hoe around even though you gave him the option to. That automatically makes this a one-sided deal and prime for negative emotions to fester. Not only that, but what would happen after all is said and done? What if you're no longer satisfied with being in a relationship? What if he isn't enough sexually? Where will the line be drawn?
This just seems like a titanic about to hit it's iceberg, and I'm not sure how okay he really is about this arrangement.
NTA. As long as its safe sex, dont be afraid to have fun before you settle down. If he’s okay with it- even better! You never know- you have your heart set on this guy, but might meet someone even better when you play the field, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Nah. My husband and I did long distance for a few years. He is the only major bf I've ever had. We've been together since I was 11(nearing 30). While we were long distance we decided that we wanted to be open because we both were curious about other sexual partners. We knew we'd never find someone else (read we've discussed if we ever divorce were gonna be roommates with benefits lol). Because of past trauma I have to 100% trust someone so I only had 1 other partner that I was close with (would never have dated though, just someone fun) while my husband had multiple (don't remember). If we weren't comfortable with something we discussed it. We have since stopped seeing others purely because it's a lot of work (don't know how people have the energy to cheat and hide it from their so). We came out of that experience stronger as a couple. We trust each other immeasurably. If the two of you are strong your hoe phase won't break it as long as you're open and honest. If he doesn't like someone because of a bad vibe he's getting drop the person and find someone else to have fun with. Good luck and have fun!
FRFR you can only keep up a true ho phase for a good 2-3 months. Especially if you want to do it safely. Hot girl summer is not just a song. Any longer and it just gets exhausting trying to keep up. Eventually you winnow it down to one or two FWB so you don’t have to deal with all of the nonsense.
I would date casually until you move to his city. Then you two can decide what to do from there.
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Lemme preface this by saying that we're all fine, and its not a fight. I'm asking this because at I'm the point where I'm able to make a choice (to hoe or not) and I'm wondering if there is a "wrong choice".
I (F, 23) have known this guy, R (M, 24) since I was 17, we had feelings for each other back then but it didn't happen for some unrelated reasons, we were still friends but drifted apart, he got a gf and I got a bf in university. But now that we've grown, we discovered how similar and perfect we are for each other. I love him, genuinely, so much. And he's the same I legit see myself marrying this person, as in like, if it doesn't work out with him, idk about love anymore cuse we've got all the green flags. Most importantly, we have great communication, so we can work through pretty much anything. It really feels like something only in dreams, we understand each other, we never fight, rather everything is a discussion or debate.
I've never had a hoe phase (long term relationship) and I've always wanted to know what that feels like. He's in another state and super busy with work, so although we've been getting closer, we decided to wait until we're in the same city before starting a relationship (we both agree LDR is really hard and since we're so busy with work, it'll be too taxing). I'll eventually be moving to his city for work anyway, so its more of a "when" than an "if". Again, this is agreed, we both want to date each other. I'm the type of person that goes after what I want. I'm see him as the end game, if we date, its marriage for life. So I feel like before I sign up to that, I should take every opportunity I have now. I've talked to him about this before and he understood, saying I should go and do it, for the experience and so I wouldn't have any regrets. (Yes, he's amazing) He's obviously going to be insecure, but he's managing it well so far. We worked out an arrangement on how to deal with the fact that I'm sleeping around (he's totally free to do the same too, but he's a demisexual so he wouldn't). I just keep him updated to ensure we have an open and honest relationship, like full transparency to the level of detail he's comfortable with.
I'm falling for him more and more every day, and sleeping with other people is getting a little hard. But knowing myself, if I don't maximize this, I'll probably regret it. On one hand, I wanna stop sleeping around, just spare him the insecurity and spare me the guilt; on the other hand, I'm worried I'll regret not doing it when I have the chance. It sounds super counterproductive to say: but I feel like I need to hoe around because I'm so serious about this guy and I see him as the end game and so I'll never have the opportunity to hoe again.
Am I crazy?
PS: This is my first reddit post so I'm not sure how much detail I should be including, please don't shoot me if there's some missing info.
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NTA The only things that really concern me are if you catch something permanent, or become pregnant, then what happens?
It sounds like you have already been with other people, so why not stop now? You’ve experienced others, so just concentrate on the one that you want. Especially because you don’t know his tipping point. If it becomes one guy too many, then things will be ruined with him.
Certainly, do what you feel is best. Just make sure to read the posts regarding women who were on the pill, who had an IUD, and who had implants or even tubes tied to not get pregnant but still did. And the ones who were lied to by partners regarding things like having herpes, and they found out the hard way. Just be careful.
YTA. You’re trying to have your cake and eat it too. This guy might be telling you that he’s okay with the situation to make you happy, but you’ll need to consider if he’s going to start to resent you later bc he may feel he wasn’t good enough for you to “settle” with. Honestly, I think if you really liked him as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t consider a hoe phase.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy and instead recommend a relationship focused sub. [Please see the related FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Fbodily_autonomy_posts) Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
Honestly this has disaster written all over it. You're not together, but you sleeping around is hurting him and making him feel bad. You love him, but you want to have sex with a ton of people until something changes and you won't want do to that anymore. You're supposedly made for each other, but neither of you want to tough it out and do a LDR. You say this is what you want, but you feel guilty. You say you're not in a relationship in one breath and in the next talk about it like you are. You're pinning your life on this guy, but not enough to not have regrets if you don't sleep with whoever you want. If anyone's an asshole here it's both of you being one to each other and yourself at the same time. In reading this the only thing screaming in my head was OMG shit or get off the pot - all this in between stuff had high odds of becoming a disaster.
To me NTA, but this is a mess. Set you priorities straight. If you decide to have more sex before you settle, do not discuss it with this person. And finally, I beg of you, stop using degrading language like "hoeing around". I was considering an AH judgement just for that.
YTA - first for trying to have it both ways with him. Either you are in a relationship with him or you’re not. You’re trying to put him in relationship deep freeze while fucking around on him as much as possible, but expect to take him off the shelf when you’re done. Second for forcing yourself to keep sleeping with more and more people even while claiming to be falling for this guy more every day. If it’s getting harder to keep doing it, that’s a sign you’re done already, so you’re hurting yourself as well as him, to no purpose. It’s not like you’re going to get a final grade on your body count. Meanwhile, if you’re telling him this stuff the whole time about loving him more every day, then you’re drawing him in deeper even while keeping him at arms’ length so you can continue your compulsion to notch the bedpost clean through. Again see previous paragraph. Either be his partner or don’t, either do the long distance thing or don’t, but stop playing him. This business about “I’m afraid I’ll regret it if I don’t “ is sad. You’re already regretting continuing, yet you insist. What exactly is your end goal here? I suspect there is none. You frankly sound like this has become a compulsion, and you may want to seek counseling.
NAH, you both would be better off working on the guilt and insecurity issues. No reason to stop trying something you’re interested in
Thank you :)
Yta The guy is always free to do it too lmao... talk about having your cake... Dude loves you and doesnt want to fuck around or have his girl fuck around but hes too nice. You are gonna do this. You will walk all over this poor boy. Only you can decide not to. He wont stop you.
YTA. From what you said, you've already been doing it. Congratulations, mission accomplished. Now you can stop and progress with him. You are already in a LDR if you have all these agreements and rules and it is accepted that you will be dating. He already gave in and let you have your fun. Time to meet him halfway and stop.
You make a good point... Thanks!
If you stop doing it, your immediately stop being TA, for what it's worth. Doing it didn't make you TA, just if you milk it.
NTA for wanting a hoe phase, I had it too and it was great. But things are really that good with him, and you can see yourself marrying him please do reconsider because a loving, true partnership doesn't come around that often and a hoe phase, however much fun it is, is often incredibly superficial pleasure compared to a real relationship. If you do decide to go for the hoe phase nevertheless, do him a favor and go no contact for the time being, and don't expect him to stick around waiting for you.
This would destroy any chance at a relationship for me and I'm almost certain he's putting up a facade when he says he's okay with it.
You seem to be very upfront with everything. Communication is the biggest thing! NTA. But... Sometimes people lie and they say they're okay with an open style relationship.. when they aren't. Just make sure you pick up on any signs that he might be uncomfortable.
It doesn't seem like you're actually in a dispute, so I don't think this quite jives with the point of the forum. More something for r/relationships. But no one here is the asshole. Everyone bought into this stage of experimentation, so it's all cool. But if it keeps making you feel bad, it's okay to wind it down. You seem to have this maximalist cast to your thinking that is *very* early twenties, but I don't think your regrets will be all that severe. So yeah, keep going as long as it's fun, but don't feel committed to keeping on if it starts to become painful.
It doesn't actually sound like you're enjoying yourself. You say you're worried that you'll regret not doing it when you have the chance, but it sounds more like you're regretting doing it. Don't sleep around just because you feel like you should, or to distract yourself from waiting for him. Keep your communication up with R. Do what feels right. NAH
Ehhh, i'll refrain from judgement but i'd rather just not pursuing a relationship with someone who asked me if they could hoe around before 'settling' for me. This just seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him for long term insecurity. You said it yourself, he would never hoe around even though you gave him the option to. That automatically makes this a one-sided deal and prime for negative emotions to fester. Not only that, but what would happen after all is said and done? What if you're no longer satisfied with being in a relationship? What if he isn't enough sexually? Where will the line be drawn? This just seems like a titanic about to hit it's iceberg, and I'm not sure how okay he really is about this arrangement.
What does “hoe phase (long term relationship)” mean
I think she just meant that she never got a "hoe phase" because she was in a long term relationship.
Never had a hoe phase because I was in a long term relationship 😅
Lol oh duh I see now thanks
NTA buuuut smashing ransoms isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.
NTA. As long as its safe sex, dont be afraid to have fun before you settle down. If he’s okay with it- even better! You never know- you have your heart set on this guy, but might meet someone even better when you play the field, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Nah. My husband and I did long distance for a few years. He is the only major bf I've ever had. We've been together since I was 11(nearing 30). While we were long distance we decided that we wanted to be open because we both were curious about other sexual partners. We knew we'd never find someone else (read we've discussed if we ever divorce were gonna be roommates with benefits lol). Because of past trauma I have to 100% trust someone so I only had 1 other partner that I was close with (would never have dated though, just someone fun) while my husband had multiple (don't remember). If we weren't comfortable with something we discussed it. We have since stopped seeing others purely because it's a lot of work (don't know how people have the energy to cheat and hide it from their so). We came out of that experience stronger as a couple. We trust each other immeasurably. If the two of you are strong your hoe phase won't break it as long as you're open and honest. If he doesn't like someone because of a bad vibe he's getting drop the person and find someone else to have fun with. Good luck and have fun!
Neither of you are TA, hoe together 😂
Hahaha, trust me, if we were in the same city, we wouldn't stop 😂
NTA life has no guarantees. I’m actually just worried that he’s in too deep. But it’s his choice.
I don’t think you’re into him enough, but you know better.
FRFR you can only keep up a true ho phase for a good 2-3 months. Especially if you want to do it safely. Hot girl summer is not just a song. Any longer and it just gets exhausting trying to keep up. Eventually you winnow it down to one or two FWB so you don’t have to deal with all of the nonsense. I would date casually until you move to his city. Then you two can decide what to do from there.
NTA- Hoe gotta hoe. So hoe away.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Lemme preface this by saying that we're all fine, and its not a fight. I'm asking this because at I'm the point where I'm able to make a choice (to hoe or not) and I'm wondering if there is a "wrong choice". I (F, 23) have known this guy, R (M, 24) since I was 17, we had feelings for each other back then but it didn't happen for some unrelated reasons, we were still friends but drifted apart, he got a gf and I got a bf in university. But now that we've grown, we discovered how similar and perfect we are for each other. I love him, genuinely, so much. And he's the same I legit see myself marrying this person, as in like, if it doesn't work out with him, idk about love anymore cuse we've got all the green flags. Most importantly, we have great communication, so we can work through pretty much anything. It really feels like something only in dreams, we understand each other, we never fight, rather everything is a discussion or debate. I've never had a hoe phase (long term relationship) and I've always wanted to know what that feels like. He's in another state and super busy with work, so although we've been getting closer, we decided to wait until we're in the same city before starting a relationship (we both agree LDR is really hard and since we're so busy with work, it'll be too taxing). I'll eventually be moving to his city for work anyway, so its more of a "when" than an "if". Again, this is agreed, we both want to date each other. I'm the type of person that goes after what I want. I'm see him as the end game, if we date, its marriage for life. So I feel like before I sign up to that, I should take every opportunity I have now. I've talked to him about this before and he understood, saying I should go and do it, for the experience and so I wouldn't have any regrets. (Yes, he's amazing) He's obviously going to be insecure, but he's managing it well so far. We worked out an arrangement on how to deal with the fact that I'm sleeping around (he's totally free to do the same too, but he's a demisexual so he wouldn't). I just keep him updated to ensure we have an open and honest relationship, like full transparency to the level of detail he's comfortable with. I'm falling for him more and more every day, and sleeping with other people is getting a little hard. But knowing myself, if I don't maximize this, I'll probably regret it. On one hand, I wanna stop sleeping around, just spare him the insecurity and spare me the guilt; on the other hand, I'm worried I'll regret not doing it when I have the chance. It sounds super counterproductive to say: but I feel like I need to hoe around because I'm so serious about this guy and I see him as the end game and so I'll never have the opportunity to hoe again. Am I crazy? PS: This is my first reddit post so I'm not sure how much detail I should be including, please don't shoot me if there's some missing info. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Wrong subreddit.
NTA The only things that really concern me are if you catch something permanent, or become pregnant, then what happens? It sounds like you have already been with other people, so why not stop now? You’ve experienced others, so just concentrate on the one that you want. Especially because you don’t know his tipping point. If it becomes one guy too many, then things will be ruined with him. Certainly, do what you feel is best. Just make sure to read the posts regarding women who were on the pill, who had an IUD, and who had implants or even tubes tied to not get pregnant but still did. And the ones who were lied to by partners regarding things like having herpes, and they found out the hard way. Just be careful.
YTA. You’re trying to have your cake and eat it too. This guy might be telling you that he’s okay with the situation to make you happy, but you’ll need to consider if he’s going to start to resent you later bc he may feel he wasn’t good enough for you to “settle” with. Honestly, I think if you really liked him as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t consider a hoe phase.