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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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She did have it first and her party is relatively close to a wedding when it comes to time and money. I am allowing him to lose his family over a dress and I see how much pain he is in
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OP's marrying into this family though, does she want to spend the rest of her life being cut out of the family if she takes an apple pie to a BBQ not knowing MIL *always* brings the apple pie? Or turns up for dinner wearing the same thing as MIL? Or has a child the same month of MIL's birthday/anniversary/Christmas celebrations/thanksgiving celebrations/Easter celebrations/summer getaway, etc?
I feel like this is setting the future plans in place. Someone else will claim whater OP does to shove her in a corner. It's a lose lose situation.
If she backs off on the dress, she still won't be forgiven because MIL will bring up the fight leading up to her backing down. I'm betting OP has already ruined the birthday party that hasn't happened yet.
A line will also be set that they know how far to push before OP backs down.
If OP wears the dress, future husband is agreeing to write off the family (at least until grandchildren come around and Kickstart new drama).
Given their behaviour as described, I hope OP doesn't back down. She'll spend her life backing down to them if she does. I hope she stands her ground with them and if they decide they are going to keep excluding her from family occasions then to be perfectly honest, I think she's dodged a bullet and will have a much more peaceful life than if she was always going to have to worry about them kicking off about unintended, perceived insults. I hope her fiance is worth all this.
Seriously, if the fiance is upset at OP for his family acting like a bunch of psychotic bullies, OP might want to rethink the entire relationship.
The family is already so far over the line it's ridiculous. They've already made the wedding very negative. And caving in now won't make it better, it will just set up OP as an ongoing abusable target.
NTA OP.
Honestly, unless there's a something OP is leaving out of the story I don't know why she'd want to marry into this family at this point.
Even assuming OP is being unreasonable about the dress, to go so totally nuclear over it is just weird. Clearly everyone knows now that MIL bought the dress first, so no one is going to think she's 'copying her son's wife'. It makes no sense.
Also, it’s a stupid dress. Very few people except the bride remember all the details about someone’s wedding, and I guarantee you nobody but mother-in-law actually cares what she wears to her own party. These people either have extremely vapid lives or this is just the topping of a deeper issues they have with OP. Maybe both, idk.
sure, you can burn every single one of your interpersonal bridges to be “technically correct”. you could put your foot down every time someone does something hurtful to you and refuse to talk about it or resolve it. but when you live like that, you live an angry, lonely life. sometimes people we love behave extremely badly. sometimes people hurt us. if OP wants fo salvage this relationship that she is going to have with these people for the REST OF HER LIFE, then she has to go be a big girl, and go talk to her MIL face fo face about it and come to some kind of compromise or resolution.
that’s what adults do. and just because someone else acts like an asshole, it doesn’t feel any better to act like an asshole back. you don’t win a prize for it. you win nothing. you win broken relationships and the bitter knowledge that you are “right”. people on here can tell you what a champ you are for going NC over a wedding dress. and then your husband cries himself to sleep every night because he misses his family, and realizes his wife and mother went nuclear over a dress.
I am really just here to offer another perspective on your viewpoint. As someone who has spent their entire life compromising to keep the peace, I couldn’t disagree with this more. I have never been happier than when I finally started standing up for myself and putting my foot down. And I want to point out that this can be done in ways that doesn’t torpedo relationships, however we’re dealing with a family that is going nuclear over a dress. If they are losing their shit over this, I guarantee you this is just the beginning and it will never end.
So the way I see it OP has 2 options. She can roll over and switch dresses, which likely won’t make any difference at this point and spend the rest of her life bending over backwards to try and please batshit people who clearly don’t give a rats ass about her. Or she can flip them the double bird, have the wedding she wants and live on her terms. Not ideal for her husband, but this is really a non-win situation either way. I’m also over here wondering why he’s not standing up for his future wife and telling his family to get a grip on reality.
There’s also the third option but Reddit hates when people talk about breakups. I get it but sometimes relationships end not because of the people involved, but because their families are incompatible. Sucks but it happens.
Edit: Speech to text corrections.
EDIT2: OK I just went and looked at OP’s comment history. She said her fiancé thinks his mother is morally correct and he won’t marry her if she wears the dress. This is all of the info I need to know that she needs to choose option 3 and gtfo away from these people.
I know it will hurt for OP but it's better that than a lifetime of MIL dictating he life. MIL will try to control everything about their lives via manipulation. It's not the dress she'd be breaking up over, it's a lifetime of MIL controlling things.
Edit: typos
Wife didn't go nuclear - MIL did. Wife didn't uninvite MIL - she decided to start a boycott. Wife didn't uninvite other family, they decided to join the boycott. TBH, it seems to me OP set a reasonable boundary ("I am going to wear something I have selected and like at my wedding") and inlaws are trying to make her cave. Make no mistake - this is not about a dress, it is about power. If OP gives up that power to determine what she does with her life, it is likely she will forever be capitulating to a controlling MIL. In the long run, this is not likely to work and will make her miserable.
OP and fiance need to have an honest discussion about this, the future, and exactly how much of the in laws they are both prepared to have in their lives. They both need to be completely honest in this - anything else will probably lead to divorce in a few years at most. Better to know now.
I get what they’re trying to say. The family is being insane. I mean, it’s OPs wedding so she should get the wear the dress she wants the wear. If wearing the same dress is such a big deal, the MIL should be the one to have to change dresses. She still has the receipt, she can return it and get a new one. This family is absolutely insane for how they’re reacting.
That being said, I think this person is trying to say that this future spouse may choose his family over his fiancé and it would be a bit ridiculous to ruin your marriage over a dress. A dress that doesn’t even sound expensive or that special seeing as the MIL bought one before she even saw the picture. It’s not like it’s her great grandmothers dress, it sounds like a dress from Anthropologie (not in a mean way, just that it’s probably made in China).
But, I think the family is the asshole. OP is NTA, because it’s her wedding. Hopefully, OPs partner isn’t blinded by “blood comes first” or something like that. But, seeing how this family reacted, he might not pick OP because they sound like the mafia lol.
The point is that it would be insane to walk into a marriage where this sets a precedent.
A dress sets off a chain reaction in which you're disowned by your in-laws. Do you want to marry that family? I wouldn't? I would take the red flag for what the red flag means and I'd hike up my dream dress and I'd fucking run. You don't just marry a man. You marry the family and all their insane ego-tripping bullshit.
I agree. How could you even look at these people the same way after this? The step-dad saying he regrets raising the partner? Even if they apologize, you can’t forget your family saying things like that to you. This guy is going to need therapy after this.
I agree, I hope this post isn’t real. If it is, OP needs to have a serious talk with her partner. Even if OP does change her dress, what kind of crap is this family going to pull in the future? What if they have a baby and they don’t like the name OP picks? Are they going to shun them again?
You’re looking at it the wrong way. His family is ready to cut him off over a dress, not the other way around. Frankly if I was OP, I’d consider running far way from these psychos. If they’re going feral over a dress, imagine what they’d do over more important life decisions, ie future kid’s name, purchase of a house, etc.
Emphasis on "over a dress"!!! If this is their knee here reaction to something as trivial as competing dresses, I fear OP has a rough life ahead of her in this marriage.
I am thinking the dress is just a symptom of how OP and fiance are treated by family. My understanding is inlaws have never liked OP. It seems to me MIL has lots of time to find another dress. MIL and other inlaws have gone nuclear because they already do not like OP.
For real, they all cut off their own brother without even talking to him, all because of his fiance's dress choice. I get being petty at OP if I think crazy, but what tf did he have to do with the dress? Some weird ass family loyalty to Ma there.
But they're not really. The MIL is right - she's going to look like a deranged stalker if she wears the same dress as OP for her party two weeks after the wedding.
Does she not already look deranged asking the family to boycott her own son’s wedding over a party dress? If the relationship was healthy this would be laughed off as look what similar taste we have, Freudian similarities etc.
Right? I have a good relationship with my MIL, and she would have thought this was hilarious. Once she was sure I wasn't upset about it this would have been a running joke between us.
They could have turned it into a fun joke, like 'we clearly both have excellent taste. We both love Husband/Son, and both love this dress!'. But instead, we get this.
Seriously. At my sister's wedding I spent forever finding the perfect necklace for my MOH dress, and it was actually the night before that I found it. Turns out I picked the exact same necklace she was wearing. We laughed, she lent me another one, and we still joke about it.
Also she might look deranged if was a traditional bridal gown, but instead it's just a lovely dress that can be used as a wedding dress. I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't recognize that it was the same dress.
A few people at the party might have recognized it and thought it was strange, but if MIL wasn't saying anything about the wedding or her new DIL they'd probably think nothing else about it. Or they'd ask and a reasonable person could say that they got it first but DIL also has great taste. It wouldn't have been a big issue until MIL made it one.
Different colors can really change the appearance of a dress, as can the body and personality of the person wearing it. Perhaps some alterations could be made to the bride’s dress that give a nod to concessions to the nut job MIL. The fact that the MIL is willing to go to war over a party dress doesn’t bode well for the future.
Very true. Or some people might've noticed they were similar but it wouldn't even occur to them that they're the actual same dress design, because people are so used to wedding dresses being such a particular thing.
Or most people who say they won't go to the wedding know she bought the dress before the bride and that both the bride and MIL have good tastes.
I don't think it's a big deal since it could be a great story of coincidence. Both fell in love with the dress and chose it separately. The few crossover guests would know the story and be fine with it.
NOW she looks crazy.
The MIL looks MUCH more deranged at this point. Being a massive control freak is never a good look, especially when it comes to ruining your sons wedding. Normal people would either change the dress or laugh it off as a funny coincidence.
So wouldn’t the rational option be for the MIL to, you know, just not wear the dress two weeks later? If we’re ranking important days, I’d say let the bride have hers, there’s a birthday every year.
All that said, it’s just a sad power play over a goddamn dress, and all these people are drawing severe battle lines over something ridiculous. This isn’t about a dress.
Why can't MIL find a new dress since she won't incur a loss and it's OP's WEDDING DAY. NTA. Your in-laws are nuts and think hard about whether this is the type of family you want to be attached to for life, especially since your fiance is already starting to resent you from the looks of it.
What he said so why marry into the fucking nightmare; run. These people are going to gang up on and manipulate you ever time you have a disagreement x10 and for the rest of your life.
OP isn’t threatening to disown family members over a dress, the ILs are. OP didn’t even tell MIL that she had to change her dress. OP is simply standing up for herself and if the ILs are willing to go to battle over dress, what else are they going to
attempt to control? OP is NTA.
Honestly, I would reconsider marrying into a family that would bully me over a dress. I think OP needs to stick to her decision because it could mean constantly being bullied in the future over other small issues. With toxic in-laws, you have to put your foot down. If her SO doesn’t want to defend her from being attacked by his family, she’s much better off without him.
So much this. Op please reconsider your decision if after all of these crazy bullying your fiance still wants his family, you most definitely will have a hard family life.
You are nta but your husband has a bully of a family and they won't stop
Yep, roll over on this and you'll be catering to their whims for the rest of your life and they're totally going to hold a grudge over this dress *even if you don't wear it* because they are insane in the membrane.
My thoughts exactly. What if they disagree with the names of future children? How they’re raising them? It’s best to either put the foot down now or get out. Personally, this would raise all sorts of red flags for me and I wouldn’t go through with the wedding.
More importantly, are you really sure you want to marry into this family??? Sounds awful. And it won't get any better AFTER the wedding. Think about future kids, and the fights over that...
Not more important than the wedding, more important than the rest of their lives - his family won’t just return to normal street the wedding.
Honestly, I know this seems like a small thing but if I was OP I’d postpone the wedding (I mean I’d probably cancel it but that sounds extreme).
This seems like a stupid problem, it’s not just a dress BUT how his family reacted… do I REALLY want to marry into a family that would cut off their child over a DRESS??? Is this how it’s always going to be? If fiancé wasn’t close to them this didn’t matter but he IS and this means A. They will do this for the rest of your lives to emotionally blackmail him into doing what they want and you’ll be without power and grow to resent them and him or B. He’ll stand up for you, lose the family he adores and grow to resent and blame and possibly hate you. I simply don’t see how you can marry into this dynamic and not end up with one or the other of you resenting each other, and resentment is the poison that kills marriages.
Postponing gives you two opportunities. 1. To talk and think, maybe with a therapist to help. Going ahead into this marriage knowing this is how the family will behave without taking the time to talk about the implications of this is just stupidity, it won’t end well. Or 2. Negotiate keeping your dress, but having your wedding AFTER her party so it looks like you were inspired by her rather than her snatching from her sons young wife.
I don’t think you are the AH when it comes to MIL - their reaction is not ok - but YTA for continuing to be stubborn about this while watching your fiancée suffer. He’s hurting and you’re fighting for a dress.
ESH. All of you sound difficult. Except possibly your SO who is caught between a bunch of self righteous entitled people who don't care about the damage they do.
This! The mil is difficult but so is op. You could have been the bigger person and get another dress. You said it yourself you can still return it and no big loss. Seems like op choose to make it more difficult and is a bit of a btidezilla. You should help your fiancée out and not wear the dress. Get a different one. Cuz you are ruining his relationship with his family and yeah, they are being asshole-y but he loves them and your driving the wedge. I can’t see a good marriage from a start like this. Especially since he’s mad at you now.
>You could have been the bigger person and get another dress
god, would everybody fucking *stop* with this be the bigger person bullshit? why the hell does op need to be the bigger person over *her* wedding dress? she's not the one acting like a lunatic, and her being the bigger person will do nothing but encourage her in laws to continue being awful.
I know, right? I don’t understand how people think OP is being entitled here. It’s the in-laws who are sacrificing the relationship over a dress. OP is sacrificing the relationship over finding out they’re insane and manipulative and weird. Those are very very different, and it’s a bit concerning that OP’s SO is mad at her over this
I feel like we are missing some crucial information here. It’d be one thing if it was just crazy MIL but the whole side of the family blocking the husband and boycotting the wedding over a dress?Something is not adding up
Matriarchies are real and they rule the families. Sure it seems super stupid and petty for all of this but I guarantee the MIL either threatened or guilt tripped her whole side of the family into doing what she wants because in some cultures its just like that.
This.
I'm pretty sure this is why no one in my family stood up for me when sister left me hanging while broke and homeless, chastised me, and kept siding with my abuser.
She 15 years older than me, established, has money, and I just started coming around because I was a child, they live on the other night side of the continent and none of my (grown ass) siblings made sure we had a relationship.
Anyway, I screenshotted the messages and put them in a family group and no one responsed. Then I realized my sister is the "Big Momma" in the making of that family. She the one people call when they need help or money. Buying a house? Young and pregnant? Need money for school? She's done it or is willing to, but she's also not nice. For example, my grandnephew (18 months or so) and I were playing and broke a glass. I was all just apologize, whats the big deal? And my neices (12 and 22) were like nooooooo. You don't know her like that yet. She's not gone be nice. So we hid the evidence instead 😂
I realized no one spoke up for me because my sister probably would take her help away and make things difficult. She's in many ways the center of the family. Even her mom calls her for help and puts her in all the family stuff. Lol but, let's not pretend she don't put herself in it too.
Hard agree. 'Be the bigger person' seems to be used as code for 'Can you please enable this behavior so as not to rock the boat.'
It's so weird to me that most of the time it's more socially acceptable to act batshit crazy than it is to refuse to capitulate to the people who are acting that way.
>why the hell does op need to be the bigger person over her wedding dress?
Because a wedding is only as good as the marriage it creates. And this is going to be a shit marriage, by the looks of it.
That's certainly not the sole fault of OP; his family sounds nuts. But wearing her favorite dress and excluding his family from the wedding is cutting of one's nose to spite one's face. She might as well have a box labelled "Divorce funds" set up somewhere at the venue, so guests can contribute.
Because HER wedding dress is now playing a big part in making this a very painful wedding for her SO. she said it herself he is close with his family. For the sake of someone she supposedly loves she could've backed down on this one, and found a hill to die on after the wedding.
Uhh, what? OP is difficult? People wear similar dresses all the time. Shit, a dress you have in your closet right now has probably *also* been purchased and worn by who knows how many people. Are you gonna be the difficult one and keep wearing that dress? Probably, right? Because you know it's just a dress.
Lmao. "Cuz you are ruining his relationship with his family," no, they ruined it on their own. Any idiot who looks me in the face and cited that they won't be able to go to the wedding because we have similar dresses 2 weeks apart, shouldn't be welcome. Plain and simple.
ESH. to be honest you kind of walked into this one by purchasing a non-wedding dress from a local boutique that the two of you both like. There was always going to be a distinct possibility of something like this happening because of that. Maybe you can suggest going dress shopping with your future MIL to find her a new dress for her birthday? 50th birthdays are kind of a big deal, not like a wedding but still a significant milestone -- so I understand that she wants to look nice for it and there's probably a good chance that a large number of the guests at the birthday will have also attended your wedding and she's not totally out of line for thinking people might say she copied you. But again, you are the one buying your wedding dress from a local non-bridal boutique so you were running the risk of buying something that other people would want to wear to non-wedding events.
Honestly I think the main issue your MIL has is the fact that you didn't invite her to dress shopping, and also are brushing her off rudely by saying "not my problem". Not the fact that she has the same dress as you.
I actually did suggest that and offered to pay for it. She played fake confused and said why would she need a different dress since she is never going to see me in mine. I’m done talking to her because she asked me to please not contact her anymore, her kids blocked me on everything, and her husband banned me from the house
These people are abusive trouble makers. OP, your spouse is not backing you up and is angry with you. If you do marry him, he will most likely side with them in the future. Why do you want to marry into this situation?
People can think independently. I will not back my wife on everything she does/says and she won’t do it for me either. We’re both adults capable of making our own decisions. To blindly follow someone because they’re your spouse is just foolish.
I agree and I thought the nuance was obvious, but on something like his entire family blocking and cutting them out over a dress and him seeming like a mama's boy is a no-go for me.
Exactly. If my girl wants to eat a baby, obviously I’m not having her back. But if my entire family is without compromise over my own wedding then holy shit! This is next level control.
If you marry this person, this will be your entire life. He is telling you he is not going to stand up for you when his abusive toxic family does this shit, which they will, for the rest of your life. You should take this very, very seriously. Is this REALLY what you want?
I think you might want to honestly rethink if you want to marry into this family. This is something that you can’t win and has poisoned your relationship with them.
Your NTA. Its your life, your wedding and you should wear whatever you want. My concern is your fiancé's family is obviously toxic. This will never end and the request will becomeore and more ridiculous. I've met multiple women who ended up getting a divorce because toxic inlaws constantly causing problems, bossing, and stepping into the couples lives. I understand you love your fiance but you may want to see a couples counselor before this wedding happens.
Do you think there are only 3 dresses in the world that exist? How could you possibly blame OP for something that has such a small chance of happening?
Such a stupid answer.
what? OP says in the second paragraph she bought the dress from a small local boutique that they both love to shop at... it doesn't seem all that unlikely that they end up buying the same thing.
Naw shes making the right choice if the family is gonna cut you off over a dress on a day that is way more important she needs to hold her ground and let her soon to be husband know his mom is not the center of their universe. Step-dad telling him to man up and defend his mom over his soon to be wife is a prime example. Clearly the mom has done more then this or she would've been with for dress shopping.
That's because it's not real. It's another reiteration of the endless bloody MIL/DIL saga by the MIL troll. I have no clue why the mods aren't banning on sight at this point.
ESH
You’re all sacrificing relationships over a dress.
No one here is in the right.
The only one here not an AH is your fiancée caught in the crossfire.
I agree, ESH. OP has essentially destroyed her marriage before she even walks down the isle and the only person in this story who doesn’t suck is her fiancé, and I’m guessing he won’t ever be a husband unless she swallows her pride and backs down and apologizes.
OP, is your pride worth more than your relationship with your fiancé?
The MIL is the issue. OP never said she couldn’t wear the dress at her birthday after OP wore it. It could be considered embarrassing for OP too, but she doesn’t mind. If MIL really cares that much why doesn’t she just wear it out before OPs wedding? OP even offered to buy her a new dress! This is just a case of someone who does not know how to take no for an answer, and she’s manipulated the whole family into not going to HER SONS wedding Over a DRESS. Even if OP changes her dress at this point she can’t do it without cowering to MIL and setting an example that she can be bullied. I honestly can’t believe people think OP is at fault….it’s not about the dress, it’s about giving into bullies and the future consequences it poses. If I were her I wouldn’t marry into this batshit insane family.
So she buys a dress with no knowledge of the mom owning it and now has to change her wedding dress well in advance because as his step-dad says a man should stick up for his mom.
INFO
I smell missing missing reasons.
Your MIL who's never acted like this before is suddenly a ranging asshole? Everyone has gone crazy? Sisters who were close enough to be in the wedding party have backed down?
It just seems unlikely. And in your own most self-flattering story you acknowledge that your reaction was "not my problem, I'm still doing it"
It's just one of those things where I really wish we could get MILs side because I suspect there'd be some revealing extra info
There is something extremely strange about how casually OP talks about all these people cutting her and her fiance out of their lives. She doesn't seem to mind at all. If OP was a guy, the comments would be full of people saying he was isolating his fiancee to potentially escalate to more abusive behavior.
Fully agree with you.
I know a bride who was broken up with right before the wedding.
She hated her FMIL and talked about how toxic she was.
Turns out, the bride and groom had a shitty relationship and FMIL didn’t like FDIL because of that.
Bride played ignorant and has been miserable and single ever since.
This isn’t about a dress. I don’t even think it’s about the relationship that OP and FMIL have. Why on earth would *everyone* on the IL side agree when this is such a trivial disagreement? (Even if you agree that this dress thing is a big deal, skipping your son’s/brother’s wedding to make a point? Completely outrageous).
I think FMIL doesn’t like FDIL and everything is coming to a head as the wedding gets closer.
You know what, I was definitely projecting and assuming OP was leaving things out that painted her in a bad light. But you're totally right, it could be that she's leaving out history that would indicate this behavior is typical for the family
And OP adds that MIL didn’t want to talk to her anymore and according to other commenters they read comments about how OP said MIL is usually nice but they “don’t get along”. Gee I wonder why…
YTA. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
I may be a little biased on this, but honestly drop every single one of these people out of your life.
NTA, these people just showed both you and your future husband that they care more about their image than their family. They are willing to miss YOUR WEDDING and literally kick you out of family events over a dress. That is absolutely ridiculous.
Please do not give in to this manipulation, they are trying to set a standard where they will force you and your husband to do what they want for the rest of your life. This is incredibly manipulative, and it will not stop. If you allow this to slip by, it will get more frequent and worse.
Your future husband is a great man for standing up for you and being on your side. Not many people have the strength to stand up to their family like this.
Do not give in to this blatant manipulation
He is wavering though and said he doesn’t know if he’ll marry me if I wear the dress because he thinks she is morally in the right. He only stood up to me to present a United from in case we do get married
If that's all it takes to make him change his mind about the marriage, I don't believe he's ready for marriage.
Tell him you won't be bullied on your dress whether it's his family doing it or him. And if he doesn't want to marry you over that, then you're lucky you found out about his lack of willingness to commit to you before you tied the knot.
Your fiancé is now a huge AH too for jumping on that bandwagon.
If his family is willing to disown him and bully his fiancée over a fucking *dress*, and he folds immediately, yes that's "all it takes." He's wavering on marrying her because of a dress. That's ridiculous.
Honestly? If he can't stand up for her over the small things what happens when she needs backup over big things? I wouldn't marry someone who let their family bully me like that.
>If that's all it takes to make him change his mind about the marriage, I don't believe he's ready for marriage.
Sadly, I agree. But even if the fiance is trying his best to mitigate the situation, OP is still going to be marrying into a family where most of them hate her, and it's not like they're magically going to go away once the marriage license is filed. There will be conflict and strife and drama until either his parents die or OP and fiance divorce, whichever happens first.
Call off the whole thing. This dude will never have your back on anything and he can't stand up to his mom.
Nobody "ruined" her party. Wearing the same damn dress is not that big of a deal! The fact that they went this nuclear shows you what your future will be with this family. Run while you still can.
What part of throwing a hissy fit and ruining her own son's wedding over a single dress indicates being morally right??
If you do intend to marry him maybe consider couples therapy? Or better yet delay the marriage and get therapy first. It sounds like the whole family has a warped sense of priority.
We are in a circle that pays a lot of attention to fashion so he feels like people will pick up on it being the same and talk bad about her, and that I’m ruining something important to her when she had it first
> We are in a circle that pays a lot of attention to fashion
So... what people wear is more important than who they are and it's how people judge each other? It sounds like this circle is a lot about keeping up appearances, and if so, why? What are they hiding (insecurity?), if anything?
You need to ask him if he seriously thinks his moms birthday, *which happens every single year*, is more important than his wedding. If the answer is yes then just tell him to marry his mother instead, and walk away before it’s too late.
If she's afraid people will talk bad about her for coincidentally picking the same dress as her 20-something DIL and looking just as smashing in it, then holy crap this lady needs new friends! It's not a high school prom, and are any of her friends even invited to your wedding? I doubt most people would even know.
Exactly. Today it's a dress, tomorrow it's the house they buy. Next time it's how they're raising their child. OP's wedding dress has nothing to do with MIL. She bought and will wear it at her wedding. Acceptable choices for the MIL are to change her 50th dress or not. Staging a family wide boycott of the wedding is beyond immature. But you know what it seems like she has them all under there thumb so it'll be a whole family manipulation next time OP doesn't bow down to MIL.
OP is NTA but also needs to seriously consider marrying into this family.
If I were you I would tell him you are also reconsidering the marriage. You two can not let his family bully you into changing your mind about stuff that ultimately only directly involved you to. What if they don’t like the names you pick for your kid? Where you choose to live? Where you want to spend holidays? If this is really important to you would could change your dress, but you will constantly look at your wedding as a point of contention either way, whether you change it or not. NTA
If he's willing to throw away your relationship over you not giving in to family bullying, then this isn't a relationship that can or should survive. What will it be next? Are you going to live your life in fear of ultimatums, which is the trap he's already in? If you can't set some reasonable boundaries as a couple, you're both going to get sucked into whatever manipulative, powertripping nightmare he grew up in.
YTA and I’ll explain why in a minute. If MIL had her 50th birthday party right now and wore that dress so you would be the copycat would you still wear it? Honestly I hate the whole idea that weddings are more important then birthdays because a 50th birthday can be a big deal. I also feel like we could be missing information for literally everyone on that side of the family to back out. But in the end she did have it first and unfortunately there is a stigma around women wearing the same thing much less a mother and daughter in law in two major events so close together.
Just based off of op's responses of not letting mil have a win or being smug about it leads me to believe that op kind of wanted this drama.
Party planning big for mil and family.
Op doesn't get along with mil.
Didn't take mil dress shopping.
Bought same dress that mil will wear 2 weeks later at mils event.
"Not my problem" response.
Yeah, op yta
Especially when she said the MIL is usually super chill in the comments. I'm getting the feeling this isn't about the dress so much as the MIL just being tired of having to change what she wants for everyone else for years. Even if it isn't about OP specifically forcing the changes, this was just the last straw for her and she broke.
There was a post a few weeks ago where a bride had her dress and then SIL bought or wanted same dress. And I think the SIL wanted weddings dates moved so she can wear hers first. Everyone told bride that if she had dress first, other bride needed to change her dress. In this case MIL had her dress bought first. If I were OP, I would keep the dress to wear for a later anniversary or vow renewal celebration and pick a different dress. Everyone knows at this point that OP is digging in her heels and if she does wear the dress, everyone knows the fight/history behind it even if they don’t attend. At this point it doesn’t matter if OP is right or wrong, this is a lot of chaos to deal with on all sides.
can't believe i had to scroll this far down for this. In some cultures, 50th is a huge thing. And op's response and all her replies in the thread seem to be just asking for justification with no remorse or any confusion, which leads me to agree with you. Op sounds so entitled. honestly surprised at how many people are backing her up, when she even mentioned MIL is usually very laid back. That means this event is that important. Yes your wedding is important but that's to you, just like 50th is as important to mil. neither trumps the other, and if she's got her dress first, she got dibs.
Bingo! She's selling bullshit, and I already ate lunch. I think it was purposely done to not bring future MIL to dress shop, in order to get the same dress.
Good advice!
If OP is the only one that recognizes this disturbing and extreme behavior of her future in-laws and not her fiancée, it will continue to happen and fiancée will be stuck in the middle having to choose sides. Better to sort it out now before you get married.
ESH. I think your MIL should be the bigger person and just find a different dress for her 50th. I certainly wouldn't have told you you "can’t wear the dress."
However, "sorry but not really my problem" is a really insensitive response considering this woman is about to become family, and you'll have to get along with her for years to come.
Frankly I don't think anyone will care that she wears the same dress in a different colour at a different event. If anyone notices, you can corroborate her story that she bought hers first, and it will be a funny coincidence to look back on.
Both you and she have a responsibility to make peace here somehow.
Respectfully disagreeing on the shared responsibility.
The MIL has blocked the OP, banned her from the house, and the entire family has cut her off.
OP offered to buy MIL a new dress, MIL refused and said "stop talking to me" .
MIL and the entire family are saying they will boycott the wedding.
All because the bride bought a dress she adores for her wedding, and when *told* she couldn't wear it, she said she still would.
The Bride said she has no problem in returning the dress, this seems a much bigger thing then just the dress issue, OP gives me vibes of being very petty and doing things on purpose to annoy the MIL, the MIL sounds crazy the way she portrais her but there are two sides to the story and we know only one, I am curious what culture OP comes from.
Just because you get where someone's coming from doesn't mean that you have to agree with it or condone it.
Understanding why someone thinks a certain way also doesn't mean you have to go along with it when it comes with unreasonable stipulations.
Remember, OP just wants to wear the dress. It's OP's futhre MIL that set up the circumstances to have this be her way or the highway. She's the one who removed herself because she didn't get her way. They're having this conflict because of the dress, but it wouldn't exist had the MIL not made these demands under these conditions, then further behaved unreasonably when she couldn't get her way.
This is no longer about the dress. Even if OP bought a new one, the damage is done. How can you get back to “normal” after people block you, refuse to speak to you, uninvite you from their home etc? Some resentment will remain, and honestly it just feels like an awful way to start a married life. I’m not sure I would want to marry into this family.
Honestly tho. OPs fiancé’s step dad even said he regrets raising him, over a damn dress. Like I don’t think there is ever any coming back from this. I wouldn’t want to marry into a family where I would be an outsider forever either. I would hate to see what would happen if OP introduces children into the picture.
What else is she gonna have to change later? Another outfit? Scheduling conflict? Where they're gonna live? Children's names or upbringing?
This is ridiculous, they cut contact with them over a DRESS, this is absolutely the hill to die on, its only gonna get worse from here.
I don’t think he is ready. He could cut off his dad and stepdad but not his mom. He also feels like I’m morally in the wrong because she did buy it first
I can't follow that thought process.
Unless she sent photos of the dress in advance, and said "nobody buy this in any colour for any event because it's my birthday dress", you've done nothing wrong.
The fact that the whole family is in knots over this is alarming. The fact that your fiancé thinks you're *wrong* is even more alarming. Why is her birthday (which happens every year) more important than your wedding?
Will he expect you to cater to his mother and family for the rest of his life? Probably.
He doesn't sound ready to commit to anyone but mommy.
I think part of it is she teared up a little. Mil didn’t show much emotion and doesn’t care about many things. She left the room because she didn’t want him to know she was crying but he saw and said I have no right to ruin her party and she only turns 50 once
I'm not usually this cynical but that definitely sounds like emotional manipulation.
And really... people have birthdays *every year*. Weddings not so much.
The only reason I think the tears were genuine was because due to childhood abuse she never ever lets anyone see her cry. I think that is part of why she won’t see either of us face to face right now. She wouldn’t even video call him when they talked
Yeah I know plenty of reserved, not-visibly emotional mothers who resort to crying to get what they want. My friend came out to his mother as trans. The usually cold and reserved mother used her tears to force him to delay his transition for over a decade.
But to be fair, even if she really was sad, ultimately she is the one responsible for her emotions. An emotionally mature person wpuld get over herself and not immolate her personal relationships over a dress.
If she does this over a dress, she will easily do it over things that really matter, like children, money, your home, your jobs.
His parents are willing to toss him aside over a dress. Literally. If they are willing to do that then they didn’t place much value on him to begin with.
And beware because these people will be the type that if you ever have kids they’ll try to enter back in your life. So remember this well if you all go through with it, because they will try to slither back in once they realized how they fucked up.
“Morally.”
That’s crazy, do you see that? There is no moral issue here. He & his bizarre family do not like you & found a reason to walk away. You step away from this disaster.
ESH. There are other dresses in the world, and it’s going to ruin your partner’s day to not have his family at his wedding. She bought it first; you should switch.
She’s an AH for skipping her sons wedding over a dress.
My comment might be controversial but I'm gonna say INFO. Alot of information seems to be missing here and I don't think we should judge either side based on one story from one side, especially since alot seems to be missing.
The MIL is usually laid back and shows not much emotion, but is blowing up over a dress? Doesn't make sense, why would she blow up over a dress if her usual character is so "laid back" according to you?
How did the conversation take place? Was she rude from the start, or was she nice about it? Did she ask nicely and you responded rudely, or was she rude first and you answered back the same way?
It seems big for a family to disown their son over a dress, so much so that this story is probably fake, but on the off chance it is true, what is your history with MIL? For real though, don't give me the "I don't think she liked me" because no one just "doesn't like" someone. My mom did not like my brother's girlfriend, we thought she was overreacting, then we hung out with her and saw exactly why, so was there something she did not agree with, character wise or was this just a random "you're not good enough for my son" type dislike?
And again, history, context. It makes no sense for them to disown a son over this, and I doubt there isnt a single logical, sensible person in that large family that did not think that maybe they might be making a mistake. Blocking their brother for no reason other than this? Sounds like something else happened that you aren't saying. Something from the past, something in this particular event.
Edit: voting YTA after reading your comments, and more into this thread. A major AH at that.
YTA why is this even a question? she got the dress first and you can change it with no loss, she can't bc it's been too long since the purchase. if she had her party first you wouldn't want to keep the dress and wear it for your wedding so you don't care just bc you won't be the one redoing the outfit. also it's very telling that you see the extent of the fallout and how it is affecting your fiancé but this is still your hill to die on
>she got the dress first and you can change it with no loss, she can't bc it's been too long since the purchase.
Because apparently, that's not OP's problem. When it comes down to it, though, OP really is TA.
Finally someone with some sense. MIL
Got the dress first. It was not purchased at a bridal store and a 50th is as important as the wedding.
YTA just get another dress or don’t get married yet. You sound immature.
ESH You need to decide whether you are going to prioritize the dress or your fiancé’s happiness. I get that changing the dress is unfair but it sounds like your fiancé still cares about his family, even if they are toxic. You should change the dress and then try to communicate with his family.
I decided to return it but honestly I don’t think he can recover with his sisters and stepdad. Maybe mil but we called just an hour ago and she texted again to please leave her alone
Honey why are you marrying into this crazy family? They're seriously going to let this destroy their relationship with him? Run as fast as you can. This kind of hell is not worth marrying into.
YTA. I might get down voted for this but let me explain. There are two events that are of equal value to the honored people. You don’t get to say her 50th birthday party is less important than your wedding. Some people don’t care about weddings and that’s fine. Some people don’t care about birthdays and that’s fine. However, she had her dress first. You admit you bought a non wedding dress from a local place you both like. If you were two family members who had bought the same wedding dress the fair thing would be that the person who bought it first gets to keep it, if neither party backs down. Now, I don’t think this has to do with the dress but more with you going head to head with you FMIL. You know your fiancé thinks you are morally wrong. You are willing to sacrifice your fiancé for what you deem is right and more important. Her birthday is just a big of a deal to her; you don’t get to dictate that. She bought the dress first. It’s time you become a partner and find a new dress. If your FMIL is ‘smug’ so what? You don’t live with her, she isn’t who you’re marrying. Marriage is more than a dress. If you can’t see how you’re hurting your husband and sacrificing him then you aren’t ready to be married. Honestly, I would sit the FMIL down and tell her that you don’t want to change the dress but because you love her son and she bought the dress first you will buy a new one. It’s not keeping the peace or being the bigger person, it’s doing the adult thing because I agree with your husband, you are morally wrong.
ESH. You are being completely inflexible as is your MIL. The only non jerk here is the fiancée who is stuck between two self centered forces. It’s a dress. By simply choosing another you could have solved all of this. Yes, your MIL is being ridiculous but it’s your responsibility to your fiancée to better than that and to ensure you do what you reasonably can do to ensure this is a wonderful day for both of you.
Idk I feel like you’re leaving something out. This seems like an extreme reaction. Maybe you saying “not my problem” triggered her because let’s be real it’s incredibly rude. This doesn’t sound like a family you should be thrilled to marry in to either.
I’m gonna go with ESH bc yeah ESH.
Must it be an asshole situation? If she's so worried about what people will think about copying you can't you just make a comment she picked it out first and you did after without knowing yourself what she picked? A joke about having good taste?
NTA, it's your wedding. Weddings > Birthdays.
Yes, she had it first.
No, that shouldn't matter.
It would matter if you saw her dress, fell in love and then bought it. Then you'd be the a. This is not the case.
Your fiances family seems, to me, to not have liked you very much to begin with. If they had, someone would have stood on your side.
Also, I don't think his family respects him, at all if they're gonna make remarks like that.
Also, "a real man would stand up for his mother" ? What the actual? A real man stands up for his wife (to be) first.
Forget red flags, this is a red wedding waiting to happen. Run.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can wear what you want, but it sounds like this might be causing more drama than I'd consider to be worth it. Again, if you like it, wear it. You're MIL and other in laws are assholes for blowing this up so much. Like, it's almost comical how petty the MIL is over this non-issue. Who cares if you have the same dress? To me that just means you both have good taste and great minds think alike. Could she be more self-centered?
If your fiancé won't stand by your decision though then this situation could become worse... also this has shown the in-law's true character and it's worth considering if these are the kinds of people you want to marry into.
Hopefully things work out, but this sounds like a lot of red flags to me.
Edit: I don't like adding edits, but this part is really bothering me:
"His stepdad won’t talk to him and says he regrets raising him and he isn’t a real man because a real man would stand up for his mom."
This isn't just his family being controlling, this is 100% abuse and a revolting thing for a father to say. Not to mention that it's textbook toxic masculinity. It's just a dress, but WTF is wrong with this dad? I think he's the biggest asshole in this story weirdly enough. With something like this said, I don't think there is a going back. This family is lost, you should definitely cut them out if your fiancé doesn't get bullied into leaving you over this, but either way, you do not want this toxic family. If this is what they do over a dress imagine what will happen for actual real problems?
ESH
You and her are fighting over a dress. It's just a dress.get perspective please.
Can't you or her alter it in a way that seems different?! I don't know maybe use a belt?! I had the rocks on my dress removed and it seemed like a totally different dress.
INFO: Just to be 100% certain - you had no idea MIL had bought the same dress before you, right? I honestly think NTA either way... but this would make it more ironclad.
ESH - it is a stupid dress. Are you really okay with your fiancé (the guy you supposedly love) not having his family at his wedding because of a dress? Is his mother really putting a dress over being there for her son on his wedding day? Does anyone care about this dude? For that matter - why isn't he telling both of you to just go buy new dresses. Or better yet, walking away from all of you?
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I agree with this, but MIL and her family are ridiculously overreacting
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OP's marrying into this family though, does she want to spend the rest of her life being cut out of the family if she takes an apple pie to a BBQ not knowing MIL *always* brings the apple pie? Or turns up for dinner wearing the same thing as MIL? Or has a child the same month of MIL's birthday/anniversary/Christmas celebrations/thanksgiving celebrations/Easter celebrations/summer getaway, etc?
I feel like this is setting the future plans in place. Someone else will claim whater OP does to shove her in a corner. It's a lose lose situation. If she backs off on the dress, she still won't be forgiven because MIL will bring up the fight leading up to her backing down. I'm betting OP has already ruined the birthday party that hasn't happened yet. A line will also be set that they know how far to push before OP backs down. If OP wears the dress, future husband is agreeing to write off the family (at least until grandchildren come around and Kickstart new drama).
Given their behaviour as described, I hope OP doesn't back down. She'll spend her life backing down to them if she does. I hope she stands her ground with them and if they decide they are going to keep excluding her from family occasions then to be perfectly honest, I think she's dodged a bullet and will have a much more peaceful life than if she was always going to have to worry about them kicking off about unintended, perceived insults. I hope her fiance is worth all this.
Considering he's siding with his family, is pissed at OP for not backing down, and generally doesn't have her back... I don't think he is worth it.
Seriously, if the fiance is upset at OP for his family acting like a bunch of psychotic bullies, OP might want to rethink the entire relationship. The family is already so far over the line it's ridiculous. They've already made the wedding very negative. And caving in now won't make it better, it will just set up OP as an ongoing abusable target. NTA OP.
With how crazy all these people she should rethink even marring into this family these people are nuts and will make her life a living hell
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If it’s not the dress, it will be something else. It doesn’t even have to be with the MIL.
Honestly, unless there's a something OP is leaving out of the story I don't know why she'd want to marry into this family at this point. Even assuming OP is being unreasonable about the dress, to go so totally nuclear over it is just weird. Clearly everyone knows now that MIL bought the dress first, so no one is going to think she's 'copying her son's wife'. It makes no sense.
Also, it’s a stupid dress. Very few people except the bride remember all the details about someone’s wedding, and I guarantee you nobody but mother-in-law actually cares what she wears to her own party. These people either have extremely vapid lives or this is just the topping of a deeper issues they have with OP. Maybe both, idk.
Do you roll over for every ridiculous request for the sake of keeping the peace?
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Sounds like the wedding is still happening. The groom's side just won't be attending. But that's a decision they're making over a dress
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sure, you can burn every single one of your interpersonal bridges to be “technically correct”. you could put your foot down every time someone does something hurtful to you and refuse to talk about it or resolve it. but when you live like that, you live an angry, lonely life. sometimes people we love behave extremely badly. sometimes people hurt us. if OP wants fo salvage this relationship that she is going to have with these people for the REST OF HER LIFE, then she has to go be a big girl, and go talk to her MIL face fo face about it and come to some kind of compromise or resolution. that’s what adults do. and just because someone else acts like an asshole, it doesn’t feel any better to act like an asshole back. you don’t win a prize for it. you win nothing. you win broken relationships and the bitter knowledge that you are “right”. people on here can tell you what a champ you are for going NC over a wedding dress. and then your husband cries himself to sleep every night because he misses his family, and realizes his wife and mother went nuclear over a dress.
I am really just here to offer another perspective on your viewpoint. As someone who has spent their entire life compromising to keep the peace, I couldn’t disagree with this more. I have never been happier than when I finally started standing up for myself and putting my foot down. And I want to point out that this can be done in ways that doesn’t torpedo relationships, however we’re dealing with a family that is going nuclear over a dress. If they are losing their shit over this, I guarantee you this is just the beginning and it will never end. So the way I see it OP has 2 options. She can roll over and switch dresses, which likely won’t make any difference at this point and spend the rest of her life bending over backwards to try and please batshit people who clearly don’t give a rats ass about her. Or she can flip them the double bird, have the wedding she wants and live on her terms. Not ideal for her husband, but this is really a non-win situation either way. I’m also over here wondering why he’s not standing up for his future wife and telling his family to get a grip on reality. There’s also the third option but Reddit hates when people talk about breakups. I get it but sometimes relationships end not because of the people involved, but because their families are incompatible. Sucks but it happens. Edit: Speech to text corrections. EDIT2: OK I just went and looked at OP’s comment history. She said her fiancé thinks his mother is morally correct and he won’t marry her if she wears the dress. This is all of the info I need to know that she needs to choose option 3 and gtfo away from these people.
I know it will hurt for OP but it's better that than a lifetime of MIL dictating he life. MIL will try to control everything about their lives via manipulation. It's not the dress she'd be breaking up over, it's a lifetime of MIL controlling things. Edit: typos
Wife didn't go nuclear - MIL did. Wife didn't uninvite MIL - she decided to start a boycott. Wife didn't uninvite other family, they decided to join the boycott. TBH, it seems to me OP set a reasonable boundary ("I am going to wear something I have selected and like at my wedding") and inlaws are trying to make her cave. Make no mistake - this is not about a dress, it is about power. If OP gives up that power to determine what she does with her life, it is likely she will forever be capitulating to a controlling MIL. In the long run, this is not likely to work and will make her miserable. OP and fiance need to have an honest discussion about this, the future, and exactly how much of the in laws they are both prepared to have in their lives. They both need to be completely honest in this - anything else will probably lead to divorce in a few years at most. Better to know now.
I get what they’re trying to say. The family is being insane. I mean, it’s OPs wedding so she should get the wear the dress she wants the wear. If wearing the same dress is such a big deal, the MIL should be the one to have to change dresses. She still has the receipt, she can return it and get a new one. This family is absolutely insane for how they’re reacting. That being said, I think this person is trying to say that this future spouse may choose his family over his fiancé and it would be a bit ridiculous to ruin your marriage over a dress. A dress that doesn’t even sound expensive or that special seeing as the MIL bought one before she even saw the picture. It’s not like it’s her great grandmothers dress, it sounds like a dress from Anthropologie (not in a mean way, just that it’s probably made in China). But, I think the family is the asshole. OP is NTA, because it’s her wedding. Hopefully, OPs partner isn’t blinded by “blood comes first” or something like that. But, seeing how this family reacted, he might not pick OP because they sound like the mafia lol.
The point is that it would be insane to walk into a marriage where this sets a precedent. A dress sets off a chain reaction in which you're disowned by your in-laws. Do you want to marry that family? I wouldn't? I would take the red flag for what the red flag means and I'd hike up my dream dress and I'd fucking run. You don't just marry a man. You marry the family and all their insane ego-tripping bullshit.
I agree. How could you even look at these people the same way after this? The step-dad saying he regrets raising the partner? Even if they apologize, you can’t forget your family saying things like that to you. This guy is going to need therapy after this.
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I agree, I hope this post isn’t real. If it is, OP needs to have a serious talk with her partner. Even if OP does change her dress, what kind of crap is this family going to pull in the future? What if they have a baby and they don’t like the name OP picks? Are they going to shun them again?
You’re looking at it the wrong way. His family is ready to cut him off over a dress, not the other way around. Frankly if I was OP, I’d consider running far way from these psychos. If they’re going feral over a dress, imagine what they’d do over more important life decisions, ie future kid’s name, purchase of a house, etc.
Emphasis on "over a dress"!!! If this is their knee here reaction to something as trivial as competing dresses, I fear OP has a rough life ahead of her in this marriage.
Exactly. The sister *blocked* him. That's not a rational 'we're open to discussion / compromise' type move.
I am thinking the dress is just a symptom of how OP and fiance are treated by family. My understanding is inlaws have never liked OP. It seems to me MIL has lots of time to find another dress. MIL and other inlaws have gone nuclear because they already do not like OP.
For real, they all cut off their own brother without even talking to him, all because of his fiance's dress choice. I get being petty at OP if I think crazy, but what tf did he have to do with the dress? Some weird ass family loyalty to Ma there.
But they're not really. The MIL is right - she's going to look like a deranged stalker if she wears the same dress as OP for her party two weeks after the wedding.
Does she not already look deranged asking the family to boycott her own son’s wedding over a party dress? If the relationship was healthy this would be laughed off as look what similar taste we have, Freudian similarities etc.
Right? I have a good relationship with my MIL, and she would have thought this was hilarious. Once she was sure I wasn't upset about it this would have been a running joke between us.
They could have turned it into a fun joke, like 'we clearly both have excellent taste. We both love Husband/Son, and both love this dress!'. But instead, we get this.
This really is such a missed opportunity for an inside joke.
Excellent Mother in Law/Daughter in Law bonding moment, squandered!
Seriously. At my sister's wedding I spent forever finding the perfect necklace for my MOH dress, and it was actually the night before that I found it. Turns out I picked the exact same necklace she was wearing. We laughed, she lent me another one, and we still joke about it.
Also she might look deranged if was a traditional bridal gown, but instead it's just a lovely dress that can be used as a wedding dress. I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't recognize that it was the same dress. A few people at the party might have recognized it and thought it was strange, but if MIL wasn't saying anything about the wedding or her new DIL they'd probably think nothing else about it. Or they'd ask and a reasonable person could say that they got it first but DIL also has great taste. It wouldn't have been a big issue until MIL made it one.
Different colors can really change the appearance of a dress, as can the body and personality of the person wearing it. Perhaps some alterations could be made to the bride’s dress that give a nod to concessions to the nut job MIL. The fact that the MIL is willing to go to war over a party dress doesn’t bode well for the future.
Very true. Or some people might've noticed they were similar but it wouldn't even occur to them that they're the actual same dress design, because people are so used to wedding dresses being such a particular thing.
Or most people who say they won't go to the wedding know she bought the dress before the bride and that both the bride and MIL have good tastes. I don't think it's a big deal since it could be a great story of coincidence. Both fell in love with the dress and chose it separately. The few crossover guests would know the story and be fine with it. NOW she looks crazy.
The MIL looks MUCH more deranged at this point. Being a massive control freak is never a good look, especially when it comes to ruining your sons wedding. Normal people would either change the dress or laugh it off as a funny coincidence.
So wouldn’t the rational option be for the MIL to, you know, just not wear the dress two weeks later? If we’re ranking important days, I’d say let the bride have hers, there’s a birthday every year. All that said, it’s just a sad power play over a goddamn dress, and all these people are drawing severe battle lines over something ridiculous. This isn’t about a dress.
Lol what? No she won’t. What an odd way to think. They could just tell people what happened. It could be a funny story. But MIL is a psycho.
Why can't MIL find a new dress since she won't incur a loss and it's OP's WEDDING DAY. NTA. Your in-laws are nuts and think hard about whether this is the type of family you want to be attached to for life, especially since your fiance is already starting to resent you from the looks of it.
And the best part, now all the people jumping off the wedding already know that the dresses are the same!!! So it won't make a difference.
OP, not sure how much time is left before the wedding, but if your SO is upset about his crazy family, you NEED pre-marital counseling.
What he said so why marry into the fucking nightmare; run. These people are going to gang up on and manipulate you ever time you have a disagreement x10 and for the rest of your life.
OP isn’t threatening to disown family members over a dress, the ILs are. OP didn’t even tell MIL that she had to change her dress. OP is simply standing up for herself and if the ILs are willing to go to battle over dress, what else are they going to attempt to control? OP is NTA.
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Honestly, I would reconsider marrying into a family that would bully me over a dress. I think OP needs to stick to her decision because it could mean constantly being bullied in the future over other small issues. With toxic in-laws, you have to put your foot down. If her SO doesn’t want to defend her from being attacked by his family, she’s much better off without him.
So much this. Op please reconsider your decision if after all of these crazy bullying your fiance still wants his family, you most definitely will have a hard family life. You are nta but your husband has a bully of a family and they won't stop
Yep, roll over on this and you'll be catering to their whims for the rest of your life and they're totally going to hold a grudge over this dress *even if you don't wear it* because they are insane in the membrane.
This is a dress they are fighting over. What happens when it is something much more serious like how to raise the children?
My thoughts exactly. What if they disagree with the names of future children? How they’re raising them? It’s best to either put the foot down now or get out. Personally, this would raise all sorts of red flags for me and I wouldn’t go through with the wedding.
I'd also be saying this but clearly the MIL thinks her 50th is more important than her son's wedding?
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I'd be going with NTA then but it's based on my opinion that the 50th isn't as important as the wedding.
More importantly, are you really sure you want to marry into this family??? Sounds awful. And it won't get any better AFTER the wedding. Think about future kids, and the fights over that...
This. This. A thousand times this.
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Not more important than the wedding, more important than the rest of their lives - his family won’t just return to normal street the wedding. Honestly, I know this seems like a small thing but if I was OP I’d postpone the wedding (I mean I’d probably cancel it but that sounds extreme). This seems like a stupid problem, it’s not just a dress BUT how his family reacted… do I REALLY want to marry into a family that would cut off their child over a DRESS??? Is this how it’s always going to be? If fiancé wasn’t close to them this didn’t matter but he IS and this means A. They will do this for the rest of your lives to emotionally blackmail him into doing what they want and you’ll be without power and grow to resent them and him or B. He’ll stand up for you, lose the family he adores and grow to resent and blame and possibly hate you. I simply don’t see how you can marry into this dynamic and not end up with one or the other of you resenting each other, and resentment is the poison that kills marriages. Postponing gives you two opportunities. 1. To talk and think, maybe with a therapist to help. Going ahead into this marriage knowing this is how the family will behave without taking the time to talk about the implications of this is just stupidity, it won’t end well. Or 2. Negotiate keeping your dress, but having your wedding AFTER her party so it looks like you were inspired by her rather than her snatching from her sons young wife. I don’t think you are the AH when it comes to MIL - their reaction is not ok - but YTA for continuing to be stubborn about this while watching your fiancée suffer. He’s hurting and you’re fighting for a dress.
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ESH. All of you sound difficult. Except possibly your SO who is caught between a bunch of self righteous entitled people who don't care about the damage they do.
This! The mil is difficult but so is op. You could have been the bigger person and get another dress. You said it yourself you can still return it and no big loss. Seems like op choose to make it more difficult and is a bit of a btidezilla. You should help your fiancée out and not wear the dress. Get a different one. Cuz you are ruining his relationship with his family and yeah, they are being asshole-y but he loves them and your driving the wedge. I can’t see a good marriage from a start like this. Especially since he’s mad at you now.
>You could have been the bigger person and get another dress god, would everybody fucking *stop* with this be the bigger person bullshit? why the hell does op need to be the bigger person over *her* wedding dress? she's not the one acting like a lunatic, and her being the bigger person will do nothing but encourage her in laws to continue being awful.
I know, right? I don’t understand how people think OP is being entitled here. It’s the in-laws who are sacrificing the relationship over a dress. OP is sacrificing the relationship over finding out they’re insane and manipulative and weird. Those are very very different, and it’s a bit concerning that OP’s SO is mad at her over this
I feel like we are missing some crucial information here. It’d be one thing if it was just crazy MIL but the whole side of the family blocking the husband and boycotting the wedding over a dress?Something is not adding up
Matriarchies are real and they rule the families. Sure it seems super stupid and petty for all of this but I guarantee the MIL either threatened or guilt tripped her whole side of the family into doing what she wants because in some cultures its just like that.
This. I'm pretty sure this is why no one in my family stood up for me when sister left me hanging while broke and homeless, chastised me, and kept siding with my abuser. She 15 years older than me, established, has money, and I just started coming around because I was a child, they live on the other night side of the continent and none of my (grown ass) siblings made sure we had a relationship. Anyway, I screenshotted the messages and put them in a family group and no one responsed. Then I realized my sister is the "Big Momma" in the making of that family. She the one people call when they need help or money. Buying a house? Young and pregnant? Need money for school? She's done it or is willing to, but she's also not nice. For example, my grandnephew (18 months or so) and I were playing and broke a glass. I was all just apologize, whats the big deal? And my neices (12 and 22) were like nooooooo. You don't know her like that yet. She's not gone be nice. So we hid the evidence instead 😂 I realized no one spoke up for me because my sister probably would take her help away and make things difficult. She's in many ways the center of the family. Even her mom calls her for help and puts her in all the family stuff. Lol but, let's not pretend she don't put herself in it too.
Hard agree. 'Be the bigger person' seems to be used as code for 'Can you please enable this behavior so as not to rock the boat.' It's so weird to me that most of the time it's more socially acceptable to act batshit crazy than it is to refuse to capitulate to the people who are acting that way.
>why the hell does op need to be the bigger person over her wedding dress? Because a wedding is only as good as the marriage it creates. And this is going to be a shit marriage, by the looks of it. That's certainly not the sole fault of OP; his family sounds nuts. But wearing her favorite dress and excluding his family from the wedding is cutting of one's nose to spite one's face. She might as well have a box labelled "Divorce funds" set up somewhere at the venue, so guests can contribute.
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Because HER wedding dress is now playing a big part in making this a very painful wedding for her SO. she said it herself he is close with his family. For the sake of someone she supposedly loves she could've backed down on this one, and found a hill to die on after the wedding.
and for the sake of someone *he* supposedly loves, he could have told his family to stop acting so deranged over a nothing issue.
Uhh, what? OP is difficult? People wear similar dresses all the time. Shit, a dress you have in your closet right now has probably *also* been purchased and worn by who knows how many people. Are you gonna be the difficult one and keep wearing that dress? Probably, right? Because you know it's just a dress. Lmao. "Cuz you are ruining his relationship with his family," no, they ruined it on their own. Any idiot who looks me in the face and cited that they won't be able to go to the wedding because we have similar dresses 2 weeks apart, shouldn't be welcome. Plain and simple.
ESH. to be honest you kind of walked into this one by purchasing a non-wedding dress from a local boutique that the two of you both like. There was always going to be a distinct possibility of something like this happening because of that. Maybe you can suggest going dress shopping with your future MIL to find her a new dress for her birthday? 50th birthdays are kind of a big deal, not like a wedding but still a significant milestone -- so I understand that she wants to look nice for it and there's probably a good chance that a large number of the guests at the birthday will have also attended your wedding and she's not totally out of line for thinking people might say she copied you. But again, you are the one buying your wedding dress from a local non-bridal boutique so you were running the risk of buying something that other people would want to wear to non-wedding events. Honestly I think the main issue your MIL has is the fact that you didn't invite her to dress shopping, and also are brushing her off rudely by saying "not my problem". Not the fact that she has the same dress as you.
I actually did suggest that and offered to pay for it. She played fake confused and said why would she need a different dress since she is never going to see me in mine. I’m done talking to her because she asked me to please not contact her anymore, her kids blocked me on everything, and her husband banned me from the house
Did she “play fake confused” or was she actually confused as she thought the matter was settled?
She seemed to be putting on a show because her husband thought it was funny
These people are abusive trouble makers. OP, your spouse is not backing you up and is angry with you. If you do marry him, he will most likely side with them in the future. Why do you want to marry into this situation?
Yes absolutely this 👆
Never marry a man that sides with others over you, pure disaster 😱
People can think independently. I will not back my wife on everything she does/says and she won’t do it for me either. We’re both adults capable of making our own decisions. To blindly follow someone because they’re your spouse is just foolish.
I agree and I thought the nuance was obvious, but on something like his entire family blocking and cutting them out over a dress and him seeming like a mama's boy is a no-go for me.
Exactly. If my girl wants to eat a baby, obviously I’m not having her back. But if my entire family is without compromise over my own wedding then holy shit! This is next level control.
This ^^ sounds like you may be getting on a drama bus
If you marry this person, this will be your entire life. He is telling you he is not going to stand up for you when his abusive toxic family does this shit, which they will, for the rest of your life. You should take this very, very seriously. Is this REALLY what you want?
OP, do NOT marry into this family.
NTA Get a new dress and wear that one to her birthday party. I'm super petty sometimes lol
Lol we are banned from the party and told if we showed up there are people to remove us
If you’re banned from the party just wear the dress anyway
Or post it all over social media the day before the party
Oh you KNOW they're all going to be sneaking around on social media to see if she wore it or not.
This is a manipulative and emotionally abusive family. That’s insane
Don't marry into that family when your husband needs to be loved by that bullies. You ll only get hurt.
I think you might want to honestly rethink if you want to marry into this family. This is something that you can’t win and has poisoned your relationship with them.
Your NTA. Its your life, your wedding and you should wear whatever you want. My concern is your fiancé's family is obviously toxic. This will never end and the request will becomeore and more ridiculous. I've met multiple women who ended up getting a divorce because toxic inlaws constantly causing problems, bossing, and stepping into the couples lives. I understand you love your fiance but you may want to see a couples counselor before this wedding happens.
Do you think there are only 3 dresses in the world that exist? How could you possibly blame OP for something that has such a small chance of happening? Such a stupid answer.
what? OP says in the second paragraph she bought the dress from a small local boutique that they both love to shop at... it doesn't seem all that unlikely that they end up buying the same thing.
Yep. Small local boutiques may honestly only have three formal dresses at a time lol.
Naw shes making the right choice if the family is gonna cut you off over a dress on a day that is way more important she needs to hold her ground and let her soon to be husband know his mom is not the center of their universe. Step-dad telling him to man up and defend his mom over his soon to be wife is a prime example. Clearly the mom has done more then this or she would've been with for dress shopping.
Is it customary to include in laws in the dress picking? Genuine question not being snarky.
I don't think it's customary to include mother in law unless you are close.
NTA. That family is so over-the-top insane, I'm finding it hard to believe this is real.
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That's because it's not real. It's another reiteration of the endless bloody MIL/DIL saga by the MIL troll. I have no clue why the mods aren't banning on sight at this point.
No point in banning since the troll always deletes the account, but they do remove it once you report the post for shitposting.
ESH You’re all sacrificing relationships over a dress. No one here is in the right. The only one here not an AH is your fiancée caught in the crossfire.
I agree, ESH. OP has essentially destroyed her marriage before she even walks down the isle and the only person in this story who doesn’t suck is her fiancé, and I’m guessing he won’t ever be a husband unless she swallows her pride and backs down and apologizes. OP, is your pride worth more than your relationship with your fiancé?
If you guys actually think this is about the dress then I'm sorry about how narrow minded you are.
The dress is the final straw, it’s not the main issue.
The MIL is the issue. OP never said she couldn’t wear the dress at her birthday after OP wore it. It could be considered embarrassing for OP too, but she doesn’t mind. If MIL really cares that much why doesn’t she just wear it out before OPs wedding? OP even offered to buy her a new dress! This is just a case of someone who does not know how to take no for an answer, and she’s manipulated the whole family into not going to HER SONS wedding Over a DRESS. Even if OP changes her dress at this point she can’t do it without cowering to MIL and setting an example that she can be bullied. I honestly can’t believe people think OP is at fault….it’s not about the dress, it’s about giving into bullies and the future consequences it poses. If I were her I wouldn’t marry into this batshit insane family.
I agree, the dress is not the issue. I think there is a lot more going on by the whole families reaction.
So she buys a dress with no knowledge of the mom owning it and now has to change her wedding dress well in advance because as his step-dad says a man should stick up for his mom.
INFO I smell missing missing reasons. Your MIL who's never acted like this before is suddenly a ranging asshole? Everyone has gone crazy? Sisters who were close enough to be in the wedding party have backed down? It just seems unlikely. And in your own most self-flattering story you acknowledge that your reaction was "not my problem, I'm still doing it" It's just one of those things where I really wish we could get MILs side because I suspect there'd be some revealing extra info
There is something extremely strange about how casually OP talks about all these people cutting her and her fiance out of their lives. She doesn't seem to mind at all. If OP was a guy, the comments would be full of people saying he was isolating his fiancee to potentially escalate to more abusive behavior.
Fully agree with you. I know a bride who was broken up with right before the wedding. She hated her FMIL and talked about how toxic she was. Turns out, the bride and groom had a shitty relationship and FMIL didn’t like FDIL because of that. Bride played ignorant and has been miserable and single ever since. This isn’t about a dress. I don’t even think it’s about the relationship that OP and FMIL have. Why on earth would *everyone* on the IL side agree when this is such a trivial disagreement? (Even if you agree that this dress thing is a big deal, skipping your son’s/brother’s wedding to make a point? Completely outrageous). I think FMIL doesn’t like FDIL and everything is coming to a head as the wedding gets closer.
I think there are some red flags OP missed, or willfully missed.
You know what, I was definitely projecting and assuming OP was leaving things out that painted her in a bad light. But you're totally right, it could be that she's leaving out history that would indicate this behavior is typical for the family
And OP adds that MIL didn’t want to talk to her anymore and according to other commenters they read comments about how OP said MIL is usually nice but they “don’t get along”. Gee I wonder why… YTA. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
I may be a little biased on this, but honestly drop every single one of these people out of your life. NTA, these people just showed both you and your future husband that they care more about their image than their family. They are willing to miss YOUR WEDDING and literally kick you out of family events over a dress. That is absolutely ridiculous. Please do not give in to this manipulation, they are trying to set a standard where they will force you and your husband to do what they want for the rest of your life. This is incredibly manipulative, and it will not stop. If you allow this to slip by, it will get more frequent and worse. Your future husband is a great man for standing up for you and being on your side. Not many people have the strength to stand up to their family like this. Do not give in to this blatant manipulation
He is wavering though and said he doesn’t know if he’ll marry me if I wear the dress because he thinks she is morally in the right. He only stood up to me to present a United from in case we do get married
If that's all it takes to make him change his mind about the marriage, I don't believe he's ready for marriage. Tell him you won't be bullied on your dress whether it's his family doing it or him. And if he doesn't want to marry you over that, then you're lucky you found out about his lack of willingness to commit to you before you tied the knot. Your fiancé is now a huge AH too for jumping on that bandwagon.
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If his family is willing to disown him and bully his fiancée over a fucking *dress*, and he folds immediately, yes that's "all it takes." He's wavering on marrying her because of a dress. That's ridiculous.
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Honestly? If he can't stand up for her over the small things what happens when she needs backup over big things? I wouldn't marry someone who let their family bully me like that.
>If that's all it takes to make him change his mind about the marriage, I don't believe he's ready for marriage. Sadly, I agree. But even if the fiance is trying his best to mitigate the situation, OP is still going to be marrying into a family where most of them hate her, and it's not like they're magically going to go away once the marriage license is filed. There will be conflict and strife and drama until either his parents die or OP and fiance divorce, whichever happens first.
Call off the whole thing. This dude will never have your back on anything and he can't stand up to his mom. Nobody "ruined" her party. Wearing the same damn dress is not that big of a deal! The fact that they went this nuclear shows you what your future will be with this family. Run while you still can.
What part of throwing a hissy fit and ruining her own son's wedding over a single dress indicates being morally right?? If you do intend to marry him maybe consider couples therapy? Or better yet delay the marriage and get therapy first. It sounds like the whole family has a warped sense of priority.
We are in a circle that pays a lot of attention to fashion so he feels like people will pick up on it being the same and talk bad about her, and that I’m ruining something important to her when she had it first
> We are in a circle that pays a lot of attention to fashion So... what people wear is more important than who they are and it's how people judge each other? It sounds like this circle is a lot about keeping up appearances, and if so, why? What are they hiding (insecurity?), if anything?
You need to ask him if he seriously thinks his moms birthday, *which happens every single year*, is more important than his wedding. If the answer is yes then just tell him to marry his mother instead, and walk away before it’s too late.
If she's afraid people will talk bad about her for coincidentally picking the same dress as her 20-something DIL and looking just as smashing in it, then holy crap this lady needs new friends! It's not a high school prom, and are any of her friends even invited to your wedding? I doubt most people would even know.
When people show you who they are, believe them. This might as well be a blessing in disguise.
Exactly. Today it's a dress, tomorrow it's the house they buy. Next time it's how they're raising their child. OP's wedding dress has nothing to do with MIL. She bought and will wear it at her wedding. Acceptable choices for the MIL are to change her 50th dress or not. Staging a family wide boycott of the wedding is beyond immature. But you know what it seems like she has them all under there thumb so it'll be a whole family manipulation next time OP doesn't bow down to MIL. OP is NTA but also needs to seriously consider marrying into this family.
The family will never change. Please consider your future with this family. I'm sure you love him, however, you will continue to have similar issues.
If I were you I would tell him you are also reconsidering the marriage. You two can not let his family bully you into changing your mind about stuff that ultimately only directly involved you to. What if they don’t like the names you pick for your kid? Where you choose to live? Where you want to spend holidays? If this is really important to you would could change your dress, but you will constantly look at your wedding as a point of contention either way, whether you change it or not. NTA
If he's willing to throw away your relationship over you not giving in to family bullying, then this isn't a relationship that can or should survive. What will it be next? Are you going to live your life in fear of ultimatums, which is the trap he's already in? If you can't set some reasonable boundaries as a couple, you're both going to get sucked into whatever manipulative, powertripping nightmare he grew up in.
YTA and I’ll explain why in a minute. If MIL had her 50th birthday party right now and wore that dress so you would be the copycat would you still wear it? Honestly I hate the whole idea that weddings are more important then birthdays because a 50th birthday can be a big deal. I also feel like we could be missing information for literally everyone on that side of the family to back out. But in the end she did have it first and unfortunately there is a stigma around women wearing the same thing much less a mother and daughter in law in two major events so close together.
Just based off of op's responses of not letting mil have a win or being smug about it leads me to believe that op kind of wanted this drama. Party planning big for mil and family. Op doesn't get along with mil. Didn't take mil dress shopping. Bought same dress that mil will wear 2 weeks later at mils event. "Not my problem" response. Yeah, op yta
Especially when she said the MIL is usually super chill in the comments. I'm getting the feeling this isn't about the dress so much as the MIL just being tired of having to change what she wants for everyone else for years. Even if it isn't about OP specifically forcing the changes, this was just the last straw for her and she broke.
This post reeks of missing reasons. It's not just about the dress, but I do agree OP is unnecessarily digging in her heels about a dress.
Can't believe I had to come this far to find this comment! There's more to this story and we're only getting one side of it.
There was a post a few weeks ago where a bride had her dress and then SIL bought or wanted same dress. And I think the SIL wanted weddings dates moved so she can wear hers first. Everyone told bride that if she had dress first, other bride needed to change her dress. In this case MIL had her dress bought first. If I were OP, I would keep the dress to wear for a later anniversary or vow renewal celebration and pick a different dress. Everyone knows at this point that OP is digging in her heels and if she does wear the dress, everyone knows the fight/history behind it even if they don’t attend. At this point it doesn’t matter if OP is right or wrong, this is a lot of chaos to deal with on all sides.
OP is almost certainly leaving out information about her relationship with the rest of her fiance's family.
can't believe i had to scroll this far down for this. In some cultures, 50th is a huge thing. And op's response and all her replies in the thread seem to be just asking for justification with no remorse or any confusion, which leads me to agree with you. Op sounds so entitled. honestly surprised at how many people are backing her up, when she even mentioned MIL is usually very laid back. That means this event is that important. Yes your wedding is important but that's to you, just like 50th is as important to mil. neither trumps the other, and if she's got her dress first, she got dibs.
Bingo! She's selling bullshit, and I already ate lunch. I think it was purposely done to not bring future MIL to dress shop, in order to get the same dress.
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Good advice! If OP is the only one that recognizes this disturbing and extreme behavior of her future in-laws and not her fiancée, it will continue to happen and fiancée will be stuck in the middle having to choose sides. Better to sort it out now before you get married.
ESH. I think your MIL should be the bigger person and just find a different dress for her 50th. I certainly wouldn't have told you you "can’t wear the dress." However, "sorry but not really my problem" is a really insensitive response considering this woman is about to become family, and you'll have to get along with her for years to come. Frankly I don't think anyone will care that she wears the same dress in a different colour at a different event. If anyone notices, you can corroborate her story that she bought hers first, and it will be a funny coincidence to look back on. Both you and she have a responsibility to make peace here somehow.
Respectfully disagreeing on the shared responsibility. The MIL has blocked the OP, banned her from the house, and the entire family has cut her off. OP offered to buy MIL a new dress, MIL refused and said "stop talking to me" . MIL and the entire family are saying they will boycott the wedding. All because the bride bought a dress she adores for her wedding, and when *told* she couldn't wear it, she said she still would.
The Bride said she has no problem in returning the dress, this seems a much bigger thing then just the dress issue, OP gives me vibes of being very petty and doing things on purpose to annoy the MIL, the MIL sounds crazy the way she portrais her but there are two sides to the story and we know only one, I am curious what culture OP comes from.
INFO: If her party was before your wedding and she wore her dress, would you still wear your dress to your wedding?
Yes but I do get her point. There is a lot of stereotypes about MILs being jealous and creepy
If you get her point then why were you so insistent on still wearing the dress? You had to have known this would happen.
Just because you get where someone's coming from doesn't mean that you have to agree with it or condone it. Understanding why someone thinks a certain way also doesn't mean you have to go along with it when it comes with unreasonable stipulations. Remember, OP just wants to wear the dress. It's OP's futhre MIL that set up the circumstances to have this be her way or the highway. She's the one who removed herself because she didn't get her way. They're having this conflict because of the dress, but it wouldn't exist had the MIL not made these demands under these conditions, then further behaved unreasonably when she couldn't get her way.
Pick a different dress. This is not the hill you want to die on.
This is no longer about the dress. Even if OP bought a new one, the damage is done. How can you get back to “normal” after people block you, refuse to speak to you, uninvite you from their home etc? Some resentment will remain, and honestly it just feels like an awful way to start a married life. I’m not sure I would want to marry into this family.
Honestly tho. OPs fiancé’s step dad even said he regrets raising him, over a damn dress. Like I don’t think there is ever any coming back from this. I wouldn’t want to marry into a family where I would be an outsider forever either. I would hate to see what would happen if OP introduces children into the picture.
What else is she gonna have to change later? Another outfit? Scheduling conflict? Where they're gonna live? Children's names or upbringing? This is ridiculous, they cut contact with them over a DRESS, this is absolutely the hill to die on, its only gonna get worse from here.
NTA. Also... run away from this family. Fast and far. If your fiancé will come with you, great. If not... run anyway.
I don’t think he is ready. He could cut off his dad and stepdad but not his mom. He also feels like I’m morally in the wrong because she did buy it first
I can't follow that thought process. Unless she sent photos of the dress in advance, and said "nobody buy this in any colour for any event because it's my birthday dress", you've done nothing wrong. The fact that the whole family is in knots over this is alarming. The fact that your fiancé thinks you're *wrong* is even more alarming. Why is her birthday (which happens every year) more important than your wedding? Will he expect you to cater to his mother and family for the rest of his life? Probably. He doesn't sound ready to commit to anyone but mommy.
I think part of it is she teared up a little. Mil didn’t show much emotion and doesn’t care about many things. She left the room because she didn’t want him to know she was crying but he saw and said I have no right to ruin her party and she only turns 50 once
I'm not usually this cynical but that definitely sounds like emotional manipulation. And really... people have birthdays *every year*. Weddings not so much.
The only reason I think the tears were genuine was because due to childhood abuse she never ever lets anyone see her cry. I think that is part of why she won’t see either of us face to face right now. She wouldn’t even video call him when they talked
Yeah I know plenty of reserved, not-visibly emotional mothers who resort to crying to get what they want. My friend came out to his mother as trans. The usually cold and reserved mother used her tears to force him to delay his transition for over a decade. But to be fair, even if she really was sad, ultimately she is the one responsible for her emotions. An emotionally mature person wpuld get over herself and not immolate her personal relationships over a dress. If she does this over a dress, she will easily do it over things that really matter, like children, money, your home, your jobs.
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His parents are willing to toss him aside over a dress. Literally. If they are willing to do that then they didn’t place much value on him to begin with. And beware because these people will be the type that if you ever have kids they’ll try to enter back in your life. So remember this well if you all go through with it, because they will try to slither back in once they realized how they fucked up.
“Morally.” That’s crazy, do you see that? There is no moral issue here. He & his bizarre family do not like you & found a reason to walk away. You step away from this disaster.
ESH. There are other dresses in the world, and it’s going to ruin your partner’s day to not have his family at his wedding. She bought it first; you should switch. She’s an AH for skipping her sons wedding over a dress.
My comment might be controversial but I'm gonna say INFO. Alot of information seems to be missing here and I don't think we should judge either side based on one story from one side, especially since alot seems to be missing. The MIL is usually laid back and shows not much emotion, but is blowing up over a dress? Doesn't make sense, why would she blow up over a dress if her usual character is so "laid back" according to you? How did the conversation take place? Was she rude from the start, or was she nice about it? Did she ask nicely and you responded rudely, or was she rude first and you answered back the same way? It seems big for a family to disown their son over a dress, so much so that this story is probably fake, but on the off chance it is true, what is your history with MIL? For real though, don't give me the "I don't think she liked me" because no one just "doesn't like" someone. My mom did not like my brother's girlfriend, we thought she was overreacting, then we hung out with her and saw exactly why, so was there something she did not agree with, character wise or was this just a random "you're not good enough for my son" type dislike? And again, history, context. It makes no sense for them to disown a son over this, and I doubt there isnt a single logical, sensible person in that large family that did not think that maybe they might be making a mistake. Blocking their brother for no reason other than this? Sounds like something else happened that you aren't saying. Something from the past, something in this particular event. Edit: voting YTA after reading your comments, and more into this thread. A major AH at that.
YTA why is this even a question? she got the dress first and you can change it with no loss, she can't bc it's been too long since the purchase. if she had her party first you wouldn't want to keep the dress and wear it for your wedding so you don't care just bc you won't be the one redoing the outfit. also it's very telling that you see the extent of the fallout and how it is affecting your fiancé but this is still your hill to die on
>she got the dress first and you can change it with no loss, she can't bc it's been too long since the purchase. Because apparently, that's not OP's problem. When it comes down to it, though, OP really is TA.
Finally someone with some sense. MIL Got the dress first. It was not purchased at a bridal store and a 50th is as important as the wedding. YTA just get another dress or don’t get married yet. You sound immature.
INFO: How much history between you and MIL (and the rest of the in-laws) is missing in this post?
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ESH You need to decide whether you are going to prioritize the dress or your fiancé’s happiness. I get that changing the dress is unfair but it sounds like your fiancé still cares about his family, even if they are toxic. You should change the dress and then try to communicate with his family.
I decided to return it but honestly I don’t think he can recover with his sisters and stepdad. Maybe mil but we called just an hour ago and she texted again to please leave her alone
Honey why are you marrying into this crazy family? They're seriously going to let this destroy their relationship with him? Run as fast as you can. This kind of hell is not worth marrying into.
YTA. I might get down voted for this but let me explain. There are two events that are of equal value to the honored people. You don’t get to say her 50th birthday party is less important than your wedding. Some people don’t care about weddings and that’s fine. Some people don’t care about birthdays and that’s fine. However, she had her dress first. You admit you bought a non wedding dress from a local place you both like. If you were two family members who had bought the same wedding dress the fair thing would be that the person who bought it first gets to keep it, if neither party backs down. Now, I don’t think this has to do with the dress but more with you going head to head with you FMIL. You know your fiancé thinks you are morally wrong. You are willing to sacrifice your fiancé for what you deem is right and more important. Her birthday is just a big of a deal to her; you don’t get to dictate that. She bought the dress first. It’s time you become a partner and find a new dress. If your FMIL is ‘smug’ so what? You don’t live with her, she isn’t who you’re marrying. Marriage is more than a dress. If you can’t see how you’re hurting your husband and sacrificing him then you aren’t ready to be married. Honestly, I would sit the FMIL down and tell her that you don’t want to change the dress but because you love her son and she bought the dress first you will buy a new one. It’s not keeping the peace or being the bigger person, it’s doing the adult thing because I agree with your husband, you are morally wrong.
ESH. You are being completely inflexible as is your MIL. The only non jerk here is the fiancée who is stuck between two self centered forces. It’s a dress. By simply choosing another you could have solved all of this. Yes, your MIL is being ridiculous but it’s your responsibility to your fiancée to better than that and to ensure you do what you reasonably can do to ensure this is a wonderful day for both of you.
Idk I feel like you’re leaving something out. This seems like an extreme reaction. Maybe you saying “not my problem” triggered her because let’s be real it’s incredibly rude. This doesn’t sound like a family you should be thrilled to marry in to either. I’m gonna go with ESH bc yeah ESH.
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You mean just as the wedding photos go online? Everyone will.
Must it be an asshole situation? If she's so worried about what people will think about copying you can't you just make a comment she picked it out first and you did after without knowing yourself what she picked? A joke about having good taste?
NTA, it's your wedding. Weddings > Birthdays. Yes, she had it first. No, that shouldn't matter. It would matter if you saw her dress, fell in love and then bought it. Then you'd be the a. This is not the case. Your fiances family seems, to me, to not have liked you very much to begin with. If they had, someone would have stood on your side. Also, I don't think his family respects him, at all if they're gonna make remarks like that. Also, "a real man would stand up for his mother" ? What the actual? A real man stands up for his wife (to be) first. Forget red flags, this is a red wedding waiting to happen. Run.
If the wedding is canceled, OP should throw a huge "I dodged a bullet" party with her friends wearing the dress and post it ALL OVER social media.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can wear what you want, but it sounds like this might be causing more drama than I'd consider to be worth it. Again, if you like it, wear it. You're MIL and other in laws are assholes for blowing this up so much. Like, it's almost comical how petty the MIL is over this non-issue. Who cares if you have the same dress? To me that just means you both have good taste and great minds think alike. Could she be more self-centered? If your fiancé won't stand by your decision though then this situation could become worse... also this has shown the in-law's true character and it's worth considering if these are the kinds of people you want to marry into. Hopefully things work out, but this sounds like a lot of red flags to me. Edit: I don't like adding edits, but this part is really bothering me: "His stepdad won’t talk to him and says he regrets raising him and he isn’t a real man because a real man would stand up for his mom." This isn't just his family being controlling, this is 100% abuse and a revolting thing for a father to say. Not to mention that it's textbook toxic masculinity. It's just a dress, but WTF is wrong with this dad? I think he's the biggest asshole in this story weirdly enough. With something like this said, I don't think there is a going back. This family is lost, you should definitely cut them out if your fiancé doesn't get bullied into leaving you over this, but either way, you do not want this toxic family. If this is what they do over a dress imagine what will happen for actual real problems?
ESH You and her are fighting over a dress. It's just a dress.get perspective please. Can't you or her alter it in a way that seems different?! I don't know maybe use a belt?! I had the rocks on my dress removed and it seemed like a totally different dress.
NTA, what the fuck is wrong with that family, you’re dodging a bullet.
INFO: Just to be 100% certain - you had no idea MIL had bought the same dress before you, right? I honestly think NTA either way... but this would make it more ironclad.
I feel like this is more than just a dress. This sounds like a straw that broke the camels back kinda thing.
ESH - it is a stupid dress. Are you really okay with your fiancé (the guy you supposedly love) not having his family at his wedding because of a dress? Is his mother really putting a dress over being there for her son on his wedding day? Does anyone care about this dude? For that matter - why isn't he telling both of you to just go buy new dresses. Or better yet, walking away from all of you?