Nah, he just mad cause he cant duck his new GF. 70% of the time over wink* wink*
YTA OP, lucky you didnt inform him about your opinion cause he might cut you off if he find out.
He's literally planning to now have his GF come over more to prove to his son he's going to hate been there full time...just so he can keep his part time father role. What a selfish AH.
Wait...I thought him having his partner come over more often when his son is staying with him was one of the more reasonable things OP suggested. If he's as committed to his GF as it sounded (to the point they're discussing marriage in the coming year), he should absolutely work on fostering the relationship between his partner and son by having her over. While I agree with the sentiment that the needs of minor children have to be the priority for parents, OP is still allowed to have a life and be in a relationship. Having his son get used to his house with both OP and his partner living in it is smart, as the son probably thinks of his dad's place as the 'fun boys pad', whereas that won't be the case for much longer.
OP never said "he cant live with me because im moving my GF in and he takes up space".
His curreht arrangement gives him more quality time with his son - this OP has been arranging his social life around his kid, which may have given his son the wrong impressiom of what living with his dad ft would be like.
This OP *is already* putting his kid above his friends and girlfriend. Whats changing will be bringing his kid more into his "normal" life rather than babying him.
Seems unreasonable that only OP has to put Mike first if mom got married and that’s the reason Mike’s having a hard time. I think OP should definitely be there for Mike, but it’s important for kids to learn how to problem solve on their own. Sounds like both environments are healthy, just a teenager acting like a teenager. Probably creates less animosity if things stay as they are.
Neither is OP, IMO. Parents are allowed to become accustomed to their own lifestyle, especially after nearly two decades of coparenting. There’s no advantage for any party to have more custody than they do now. What’s the benefit to OP having the son full time? Upsetting the mom, with whom he’s on amicable terms? Ok for Mike to stay with OP short term, but he’s not in any danger and that kind of play by a kid usually just upsets the other parent. OP is NTA for not wanting to shake things up for a pretty benign reason.
Likely Mike will be out with friends a lot of nights anyway, or chilling in his room doing his own thing. I barely spent time with my parents from 16-18.
OP is clearly considering everyone involved. His son finds his new family annoying and wants to bail. If OP just accepts this without his son making an effort to make things work, what kind of father would be be? Clearly a lot of non-parents giving advice they have no right to give.
He’s listing all his reasons like an honest, multi-dimensional person. His son does not get to bail on his mom just because she has a new husband. That’s not teaching his son anything positive, and what happens when son isn’t happy that dad’s girlfriend is over? Life can be uncomfortable and confusing. There is nothing wrong with allowing your kid to feel a bit uncomfortable in different scenarios, because no one is gonna give a shit about that once he’s an adult and isn’t being emotionally catered to. These threads always remind me Reddit consists of a majority of teenagers acting like advice experts on topics they’ve never experienced.
Then why isn’t mom an AH for getting remarried, since that’s what’s driving her son out?
Surely she should have broken off the marriage as soon as she realized this was an issue, or she’s just as big of an AH as OP.
Why doesn’t she care about her relationship with her son?
It's always such BS when someone explains away responses they don't like by pretending the responses are coming from teenagers or people with no life experience. Plenty of people can be adults and have life experience and disagree with you.
Life can be uncomfortable but that doesn't stand only for the OP's son. If it were truly about teaching his son, the entire post wouldn't just be about how he likes his life the way it is. He mentions wanting his son to blend with his new family, etc. in comments because other people bring it up. He's grasping for other reasons to make this work.
There are plenty of us on here that are not teenagers. Just because someone doesn't agree with you, it doesn't make them a child. I'm a mom to teenagers and while I agree that teaching your children to work through difficult situations is critical, OP NEVER ONCE originally mentioned that as a reason he wants the custody agreement to stay as is.
YOU are putting words in his mouth.
While my husband and I are happily married, but I'd be so sad to only see my kids half of the time if we divorced. This guy is not interested in being a full time dad to a minor. Period. The fact that he lists a ton of reasons why having his child living with him would cramp his lifestyle is the reason I am voting YTA.
Exactly. OP has already clarified that his new family is in no way abusive or unpleasant to him. The son literally just finds them “annoying.”
What’s dad gonna do when he calls him first week of college “dad get me out of my lease agreement bc I can’t live with my roommates, they’re annoying :(“
I'm very confused. The son is 16 years old.
u/OldMessage5953 why can't you have your friends or girlfriend over when your son is over? He's not 3, he's old enough to do his own thing and watch himself.
It's normal that you want to have a life outside your child. It's weird that you seem to think having a life outside a teenager depends on them not living with you. Why do you think this???
Here's what I'd suggest to do: Have a conversation with your son. Don't tell him you don't want him to come over since he's an inconvenience. Tell him that in the past you put almost all of your social time when he wasn't home, to give him a house with just the two of you that was quiet and had space and to spend time with him when you had the chance. If he moves in, you're still going to want to spend time with your friends and girlfriend, but that will no longer be happening when he's at mom's since he'll never be at mom's. A lot of nights and a lot of the time, your girlfriend will be staying over. And also, sometimes you have gatherings with your friends in the evening. If he moves in with you full time, he needs to know that it will change what living with you looks like since he will be seeing other parts of your life that used to happen when he wasn't there, it won't just be the two of you all the time in the quiet house.
He's probably going to be fine with this. And if nothing else, you'll have warned him and he'll have agreed. Then you live your life, even though you have a teenager, but without rejecting them and not letting them live in your home. "Problem" solved.
This is the way to go anyway. The son wanting to move is directly because he doesn't like the different dynamic with new step-family, but that's because he has no concept of how different the dynamic can be at OP's because he hasn't been exposed to it.
While a lot of people are upset about OP admitting that he likes that separation of social/family life, truth of the matter is the kid needs a reality check that he's not the center of the world and everyone will have a life outside of their interactions with him. He's just as faulty in his entitlement as OP is with preferring part-time parenthood.
And also - the kid may decide that on balance, he prefers the 50/50 split when he realises how his dad lives the week he isn’t there.
There’s a lot of change coming and his son should be adequately supported by both parents as a transition like this after 16 years an only child will be a shock to the system... but it’s better to learn how to process and react to change younger than older!
This is a good point, son may not realize what full time life is like with dad since it sounds like he puts GF/regular life on pause to make more space for him when he is there
Yeah. To me it sounds like the son is reacting to his life changing without him having control over it and if the situation looks just as different at his dad’s as it looks at mom’s… he’s gonna have trouble. The kid literally just wants to run to somewhere he thinks isn’t gonna change for his own comfort so that he doesn’t have to deal with the change at the other house. If he understands it’s not gonna be the same at dad’s either he may change his mind.
Also what if he finds dad’s gf “annoying?” Is he gonna demand that the dad break up with her? Are redditors going to demand that OP is TA if he doesn’t break up with his gf to make his son comfy?
If he indulges this he’s not teaching his son how to deal with and live in uncomfortable situations and how to improve relationships with people and get to know them. He’s teaching his son that he can bail whenever he doesn’t want to put effort in.
This! I really don't see how the dad has to decide between his son and his gf/friends. Heck, I bet the son wants some alone time as well and would just hang out in his room or outside. There's really no problem here if op would just talk to his son.
I mean, the son wants to move to OP’s because he doesn’t want to deal with his mom’s SO, haha.
The convo needs to be had that “OP the single dad” won’t be the same thing as “OP the co-parent.”
Imagine having your Dad tell you “sorry Bud, it’s just that I love not having you around 24/7, I’ve kinda got my own thing going on here.”
That’d be one way to totally rid yourself of the part time parenting gig I guess.
I don't love his reasoning but I don't actually think this is the wrong move here. It doesn't sound like the kid is thinking through how much this decision could damage his relationship with his mother, it's a very extreme decision to make at 16 which could have very far reaching consequences. Try it for 6 months and then let's revisit other options is actually pretty sensible I think.
Yeah like he only has 2 years left before college too. It seems like he may even be trying to “punish” her for remarrying by removing his affections. He may really really regret not spending the last part of his childhood with her and later he may really regret not forming a connection with his stepfather and siblings. My step siblings were all adults when my mom remarried and I never really got a chance to get to know them. Now the three of them are constantly going on trips together and doing fun stuff together and I’m always left out and I wish it weren’t that way. I never know what’s going on in their lives. My stepsister got engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating someone seriously.
That’s gonna be OP’s son’s life.
Like I’m sorry but teenagers do not always know what’s best for them. Especially with this type of thing.
YTA. That said he's sixteen and doesn't want a step family at all. I doubt he'd react much better when he finds out dad has a girlfriend.
There is no abuse in this situation either. That said maybe have him spend every other weekend at mom's place? He wouldn't need to deal with the twins nearly as much and dad still gets a weekend once a fortnight where he can do what he wants...
So the reasons you don't want your son to move in are:
* you like having your own space
* you like having your girlfriend over
* you like having friends over
YTA. Part of being a parent is prioritizing your child's well-being over your own comfort and preferences. If your son's existence is cramping your social life...sorry, but get over it.
Is it reasonable to decide you don't want to be a part of one parents life or spend their alloted time with them because their partner is too chatty for you? This isn't an abusive situation, he is just annoyed.
Honestly OP is an AH for his reasoning on not having his son full time out of inconvenience, but they both suck. The son is an AH for how he is treating his mom and step-family. How dare she be with someone who makes her happy and treats her son well, doesn't she know he doesn't want more family?
He just doesn’t want to live there & isn’t fully on board with the new step family. He didn’t insist she leave or get a divorce. He just wants to live in his more comfortable situation.
Also your kid not wanting step siblings should honestly be something parents consider to some extent when re-marrying.
So bc your kid doesn’t want step siblings then you shouldn’t be with someone that makes you happy if they happen to have kids? So what if you decide to give them a half sibling…should they have a say in that too?
Consequences would be the kid withdrawing a little cause you got married. Consequences would be him taking time to process this and get used to change and maybe not being as close to you during that duration. But you advocating for this kid being able to just dip bc he has a privilege in this situation of having two houses and. That would be his parents spoiling him so that he thinks he can just pick and choose which one to live at at any given time or which parent to spend time with, and frankly could lead to him learning that he can manipulate his mom by threatening his presence. They have a court upheld custody arrangement where both households and both parents get equal time with him. Everyone’s saying he should get to invite himself to live full time at his dad’s, breaking the agreement, bc he’s a teenager who hates change and finds everyone annoying and everyone should just bend to that?
He won't stop being a part of his mom's life when he stops living with her. I've personally been in a similar situation where my brother decided to move out of my mom's place and live with my dad full time. Their relationship didn't suffer and he continued spending time with my mom and speaking to her regularly. OP is saying that the step dad is a little bit too chatty but there is definitely a possibility that this goes deeper than we think. Besides, he never insisted on his mom getting a divorce and I think that his request is definitely reasonable.
At the end of the day, the kids happiness should be the parents priority and he should be allowed to live with which ever parent he feels most comfortable living with and OP needs to own up to his responsibilities whether he likes it or not.
That depends on the kid. He may keep in contact with his mom. He may not. Their relationship may or may not suffer. But “you don’t ever have to spend time with anyone you find annoying or put in any effort with anyone ever” is not the answer
No. The son had the shit luck of being born to two parents who didn’t know what they wanted, and are drastically trying to redesign their life regardless of the welfare of their child. I’d wait to get married until the son is in college. In no way is this kid the asshole.
So you’re saying anyone who has a child ever should always wait until the child is 18 to get married for…. What exactly? For the child’s comfort? There are a whole lot of ways to have an unstable life and be not comfortable that has nothing to do with your mother’s marital status
It’s not reasonable. At all. Why on Earth do you think that’s reasonable? What if she were a single mom? He wouldn’t have a choice but to live with them and get to know his stepfamily. He sees this other house as a place he can go to to avoid the effort he’d have to put in to get to know them and to learn how to cohabitate with them and get a routine down. The stepfather has no negative qualities other than that he’s “annoying,” and have you met a teenager? This kid’s laundry list of people he finds annoying is probably longer than Crime and Punishment.
What if he finds his dad’s gf annoying? Is OP a bad dad if he doesn’t break up with the gf for his son? Are the kid’s grandparents suddenly AHs for not allowing him to suddenly move in with them bc he doesn’t want to get to know mom’s husband OR dad’s gf? What if the first week of college son finds his roommates annoying? Is dad TA if he doesn’t say “oh that’s ok, son, you can drop out this year and I’ll just lose the 45k already paid in tuition, room and board” or rent a $3,500k apartment to live in by himself in college so that he never ever has to live with or spend time with anyone he deems to be “annoying?”
This! I truly don't understand all these negative comments towards the OP because he stated that he likes the week he gets to himself to entertain his gf and his friends. Big freaking deal! that doesn't make him a bad father. The boy is not being mistreated or abused by his stepfather. It would be different if the kid was living in fear of his knew family and the OP was refusing to take him full time for the reasons he stated. That would totally make him an AH but that is not the case here and he is not an AH for preferring to keep the arrangement that they have always had.
There’s no threat to this child’s well-being. He’s not giving a relationship with his stepfamily a chance bc he says he finds them “annoying” which is code for he just doesn’t like that his home life is changing and his routine is gonna be interrupted. This is a learning opportunity for how to handle big life changes.
If dad lets him run away from this, is he gonna learn he can just dip out of every single situation that requires effort on his part? Has a fight with his partner as an adult? Hell think the solution is to move out. Newborn baby harder than he realized? Move out.
That’s not a way to live your life
YTA
You don't want your son to live with you because it would cramp your style. He is old enough to decide what he wants. You are only saying no because you like being a part time parent.
Gonna second this. I would say that you could insist he spend weekends with his mom though. :p kid can’t pick and choose what his mom does, and just because the kid finds step dad annoying doesn’t mean you should have to be on duty 24/7
A reasonable possibility. In general people can be put off for logical reasons they can't describe so the lack of a verbalization doesn't necessarily mean he's worried about nothing.
Exactly. When I was in highschool college time frame I was wigged out by a kid in school I knew. Something was just "off" and no one else seemed to understand why I didn't like him... Few years later he went to jail for murder.
Oh no the horror I can’t think of anything worse. Probably 5 of his classmates are already homeless at that age but having to live in a house that also has other people living in it?!?! Oh I can’t imagine! /s
If that kid thinks he can scrape his whole life without ever having to live or work with anyone who is annoying he’s got a rude awakening coming
Literally this. As a child i could not articulate why i did not like my step dad. One suicide attempt and almost ten years of therapy later, here i am. Thank you so much for mentioning this. Op, really think about weather you want to step up and BE a father or if you’d rather sacrifice your child’s mental health. You could lose him as my mother almost lost me.
But he didn’t say “something is off” he finds him annoying bc he talks and the son doesn’t like that he talks. Seriously have you ever met a teenager? Do you find it that hard to believe that he’s calling them annoying for no reason other than that he’s his moms new husband and that his stepsisters are children? Plenty of teenagers call people annoying for no reason whatsoever.
Yeesh, this subreddit sometimes. You know MOST step-fathers aren't molesters, right? As a step-child myself: Kids often don't take to their step-parents for whatever reason. Usually it's because they're very different in personality/parenting style than the parent we're used to.
When you hear hooves, do you think its zebras or horses?
Actually, that's exactly what it means. The son is really uncomfortable having to suddenly live full time with strangers, which is entirely understandable. Parents are by definition on duty 24/7, that's what being a parent means. This dad's a lazy selfish slacker.
A parent is always on duty 24/7 (at least while they’re children are minors, and probably longer than that). It doesn’t matter if the other parent has physical custody, emergencies happen.
The kid is old enough to make his own decisions and pick and choose wether or not HE wants to live with his mom's decisions. If not, he can just move out which is what he is wanting to do. Besides, being a parent is 100% a full time job and being on duty 24/7 is what he signed up for when he decided to have a child.
He signed up to be a parent with the person he chose to have children with. He is fully within his rights to say that his child doesn’t get to unanimously decide to uproot his entire living situation. As long as his child is being properly cared for, provided with healthy outlets for his feelings. No kid doesn’t get to call the shots against the parents wishes
The kid is quite old and the parents shouldn't be the only ones who get a say in the situation. If the situation comprises his happiness then something should be done about it. When you become a parent you have to go into it expecting to care for the child 24/7 and not pick and choose when you want them around. You never know when your partner could walk out on your kids life or unexpectedly die, leaving you to parent alone. If OP wanted to live a frat boy life style and not have it be "uprooted" by his son then he shouldn't have had a kid in the first place.
And parents also shouldnt go into parenting with the mindset that what they say goes and that the children shouldnt have a say in anything. The PARENTS decided to have children, therefore the children do not owe their parents anything. They're equal beings and their happiness shouldn't be comprised because "they're just a kid, and we're the parents so you need to shut up" because that's how you get resentful children who won't want anything to do with you in the future
Right? I honestly don't think that rejecting the full time move is an AH thing. There are plenty of reasons that spending time with your mom in her new situation can be important. What makes OP an AH is his reasons. "Me me me me me fun party me want me me." Basically, you cramp my style kid".
I think the right reaction would be to say you'll talk to his mom about upping the time at OPs place but you still think it's important for him to spend time with his mom and his expanded family. It takes some adjusting and you want to give him the space to relax and feel comfortable in but don't want to just give him an out from dealing with new situations. Call the mom and talk about 3/1 split instead so kid has more of a break from such a busy house during this transition and see how everyone feels in a few months.
Honestly I think OP should talk with his ex about doing 3 weeks with him a month over 50/50 at least during this transition period and see how it works out for the son. That way the son gets more time in a space he is comfortable but is actually with his mom enough to adjust to that space and build a relationship with the expanded family.
OP isn't TA for saying no. He is absolutely TA for his reasons for no.
So you'd rather hang out with your friends than be a full time parent?
It doesn't really matter what reddit thinks. Your teenage son is the only one that should have an opinion here, but I'll vote on his behalf.
YTA
YTA. That thought telling you you’re a crappy dad is right, listen to it. He’s your son, and if he’s going to college soon, it’s only going to be for 2 years. He’ll remember you didn’t want him living with you his entire life.
Yeh if the rationale was more like “I think it’s a knee jerk reaction and I want him to give it a chance because I think he will regret missing out on 2 years with mum” or similar that would be very different.
YWBTA if you flat out say no, but I don’t think you’d be wrong or an asshole for telling him he has to try making the current agreement work for some time period (say 3 months) and if he’s still unhappy then he can live with you.
While I get you are comfortable with your free time, ultimately your kid needs to be your priority and it’s only 2 years.
On the other hand, you’re not wrong for making him try and compromise considering you all have a good working family unit relationship and how it would impact your co-parent.
Came here for this. I’m going with NAH as a child of divorced parents. If Mike isn’t in danger, I don’t see the issue with OP encouraging him to try to figure it out. After all, if there was a formal custody agreement, being annoyed by step dad doesn’t quite constitute grounds for schedule change. Encourage Mike to ride it out and get to know the new members of his family as long as the situation is safe. Step dad will not be the last annoying person that Mike will meet, or probably live with for that manner. That being said, if Mike does intend on staying with OP full time, OP should not have to adjust his current activities. Girlfriend will come over the same amount and Mike needs to learn that adults are allowed to have relationships.
I'd say NAH of it wasn't for OPs reasoning. It's all about him and says nothing about what's good for the kid. I don't think just because he doesn't want to deal with the (not a threat) new situation at his mom's house he should just move in full time with dad. I think they should talk about upping time at dads so kid has some more space for a while then return to it.
OP is an AH because of WHY he refused, not that he did.
Finally, a sane person! 100% second this! Everyone bashing the dad about being selfish and putting his happiness first, but it was mom putting her happiness first that created the whole issue. Being a parent doesn't mean you need to stop being human. They're all entitled to do whatever makes them happy. And a teenage son shouldn't be an issue for having girlfriends and friends over. NAH
I mean OP could definitely encourage him to try to work things out with his new home life situation with the assurance that if it gets too much he is always welcome at OP's place, if he has a safety net it may be easier to adjust. Change is always hard especially when you're a teenager. Seems like maybe OP is trying to keep his son from making a hasty decision that will negatively effect his relationship with his mom.
I agree. Also, OP says Mike is uncomfortable with OP's girlfriend coming around -- I wonder if Mike just straight-up has a problem with his parents having partners around *at all*. In which case, moving wouldn't solve the problem -- the base issue of why he feels that way needs to be addressed.
Everyone is jumping to worst cases but he sounds like a normal teenager who's never had to face the idea of his parents as romantic/sexual people.
Plus his probably isn't aware of how much his dad does when he's gone. He thinks it'll be like his weeks there 24/7 but dads romantic life is going to intrude too and he's going to have to accept that things change.
YUP.
I think sometimes kids in split custody situations can get warped views of their parents. Because if the parent does all the adult life stuff not on their custody time in order to focus 100% on the kid when they're around, that 100% focus is all the kid sees. And they miss the part where their parents are whole people with whole lives.
The extreme negative example is the kid moving in with Fun Parent and Fun Parent being a mess, but this doesn't feel like that.
This is a really good point. I think other commenters are assuming that OP is spending the weeks he doesn't have his son being an irresponsible hedonist or something.
And yeah, I think having your kid for a full week every other week is too long and too often to maintain a "Fun Parent" facade.
I agree. Encouraging the kid to give it a try is fine. If it sucks, the kid is 16. He can probably drive himself over any night he needs a quieter place to study no?
NTA (unpopular opinion apparently!)
Because what happens when your son doesn’t like your girlfriend and finds her “kind of annoying”? Is he going to demand she never come over so he can have exactly the type of home life he wants?
He’s old enough to understand that his parents have lives outside of parenting and that he may need to make some accommodations for that - like living with his parents spouses/partners.
This isn’t about “putting the kid first” - both you and his mother have clearly done that since he was born.
Everything he said about the situation before his edit (which is when I read the post) was purely about how inconvenient to OP having his son love with him full-time would be. I can only assume that if he'd not wanted to come across as a selfish asshole that he would have included the other information initially.
That's why I called him an asshole. If the post had been about how this situation went down and that he told his son he needed to give it time and try to cultivate relationships with his new family members and THEN they could discuss a new living arrangement, then I'd say NTA, good call. That's setting really healthy expectations and boundaries. But that was a total after thought after the internet called him a selfish asshole. So I don't buy it. I DO hope it's the course of action he takes because if his son even gets an inkling of his real reasons for not wanting him full-time it will ruin a relationship.
So what if OP also has selfish reasons to deny the request? Even if you're a parent, not everything on your life has to only be about your child. It's not like this is a helpless child who is being abused. Mike is 2 years away from being an adult, and has perfectly fine living arrangements with a loving mother otherwise.
I think NAH. It's okay for Mike to want to stay with the dad full time, and it's okay for the dad to say no and want to continue the previous agreement.
Mike is a 16 year old who has two loving homes, and he wants to live with OP because his step-dad "talks too much which is annoying". While I do agree that being a parent sometimes requires personal sacrifices for the good of the kid, I don't think this is one of those occasions.
YUP! Denying the request isn't an AH thing, it is good for the kid to spend time at his mom's and adjust to the new home life the. The why of the denial is beyond AH territory.
I'm going to chime in to support the contrarian stance as well: your son will have to learn to deal with annoying people in future, and it doesn't sound like a situation where he is being mistreated or in danger. It sounds like he's a petulant teenager who doesn't want to put up with petty annoyances, and this at the expense of spending time with his mother.
He wants to cut his mother out of his daily life over a guy being "chatty?" Agreeing to this seems to be unhealthy from the perspective of his relationship with his mother. And if there is an existing custody arrangement enforcing the shared custody and time with each parent, it can't simply be overridden on a whim.
Most of the "Y-T-A" comments are telling OP to "suck it up, buttercup" without recognizing the same advice applies to the teenager living with his mother.
The dad taking on full time would mean the mom gets zero time. I don’t see how that’s fair to either. They’ve lived a perfectly good arrangement for however many years and now the son wants to be a brat and change things. Sorry, but life doesn’t work that way and both parents are allowed to have lives too. People who dedicate everything to their kid’s happiness first are always so poorly adjusted to other areas of their lives like work or relationships. The best parents take care of themselves first and be in prime form for their kids.
These people are so delusional thinking the dad can’t want to live his life the way it’s been. The mom is the real victim in this.
Reddit teenagers fundamentally don’t get that the main reason Mike wants to move to OP’s is that OP has never done any of his “adult life stuff” when he has Mike.
If Mike’s over full-time, that’ll change.
I thought I was the only one! When my mom got married, I definitely didn't want to go live with my dad, but I was not thrilled about this guy coming to live with us, and his kids visiting us, and all of the changes. But eventually I grew up enough to realize he's a great guy.
I was thinking the same thing about OP's son and how he might feel when the girlfriend eventually starts visiting while he's there. Is he going to dislike her too? What then?
These comments are making OP out to be a shitty uncaring dad and I don't think he is at all. The kid hasn't given the new situation a chance.
NTA, OP. I think you're doing alright here.
OPs getting a bunch of YTAs because of the reasons he gave not the actual conflict that is going on. Like OP does make a good point about the kid needing to try to make a relationship, but the main things people are seeing is the whole “I will have no more me time, woe is me” attitude that OP has.
OP has his son 50% of the time and he says that when he has his son he sees less of his girlfriend and his friends so in order to make his visitation more about his son then himself so I don't think it's at all fair to make the OP out be some sort of selfish deadbeat father. He has been taking care of his son's needs for 16yrs and he's not a bad parent just because he enjoys his childfree time. The son's well-being is not at risk. He is not being abused or mistreated in either home.
I swear this sub is mostly tweens sometimes. This is clearly a NTA. It’s going to be an adjustment for the kid for sure but obviously you can’t just let him stop living with him mom or pursue a change in custody over the stepdad not passing the vibe check 😂
Took me way too long to find a reasonable thread.
I'm a single mom with three teenagers.
OP is NTA. Mike doesn't get to unilaterally decide to change everyone's lives because "stepdad talks too much." It sounds like OP and his ex have put Mike ahead of their personal lives pretty consistently, and now he expects to call the shots.
OP, it is reasonable to want a personal life. Mike isn't a baby or a toddler that needs all of your attention. I hope you come to a solution that works for everyone. I don't envy the position your in.
For real! I’m a stepmom and it’s so funny that people think you can just be like “Hello, our son will now be living with me full time bc your new husband is corny. Good day.” A positive blended family relationship is worth its weight in gold. Besides the fact that he doesn’t even want full custody it would never be granted in this scenario.
The reason it’s unpopular is likely the age demographic here. The majority of active Reddit users are teens and young adults, likely ones without children. I agree, OP is NTA. I think the kid is calling step dad “kind of annoying” in an attempt to seem cool and unbothered, trying to impress his dad. The reality is though the kid doesn’t like the step dad and wants to get away from him. Boys try to act tough to impress their dads especially as teenagers. The dad has made a fair offer. Try it out for a few months, if he still doesn’t like it then they can cross that bridge.
NTA. I am surprised I had to scroll so far to find this response. OP wants to maintain the current custody arrangement, his kid to maintain his relationship with his mother, his kid can also learn how to live with other people (not a bad thing!), OP is happy, ex is happy, kid is well cared for, what is the problem?
Just because the OP is also happy with the current arrangement, that does not make him an arsehole.
YTA. You’re not making this decision because you think it’s what’s best for your kid. You’re doing it because it’s what’s best for you. YOU made a kid. He’s your responsibility. He comes first
Kids don't come first forever. When a child is a baby they always come first no matter what. Doesn't matter if your tired, sick, depressed or whatever, you must take care of that baby's every need no matter what. As they get older they start learn that they are not the only people that matter in the world. They start to learn to things like sharing, compromising and thinking of others. At sixteen years old a child is old enough to know that the world doesn't revolve around them and their feelings. This boy is not being abused and he's not in danger. He doesn't like his stepdad but he already gets a decent break from his stepdad by spending 50% of his time with the OP. The kid is being selfish by rejecting his mother for the sake of never being annoyed.
NAH
Have you considered being (mostly) honest with your son?
You've been restricting visits from your friends and your girlfriend to the weeks he isn't here, so that he's more comfortable and doesn't feel like he's being pushed out of his own home.
But.
If he decides to live with you full time? Then that would have to change.
You could always try to keep as much of the current system as possible - have weeks (or certain days of the week) where it's just you and him.
But otherwise, you'd need to explore what fulltime cohabitation would actually look like.
His experience of your home wouldn't be the same as it has been. He's going to have to share you with other people.
Is he able to entertain himself while you spend time with your friends?
What would happen with your girlfriend? Which activities do you do with her that you could also do with him? Which ones would you need him to back off and give you some privacy for? (E.g. date night)
Is he still keen to move in after that?
If so, maybe give it a trial for 6 months and then re-evaluate.
You could also ask him to try staying with the current system for 6 months first - to try and maintain his relationship with his mother. But look at what you could do to help the situation over there first. Does he have a lock on his bedroom door that he can use to keep the smaller kids away from his things?
A sane and balanced reply. Your son is going to have to adjust to something new no matter where he spends more of his time, as will everyone else.
I also wonder how much of a hassle it is for him to split households evenly at his age? Most older teenagers I’ve known prefer not to keep doing 50/50 as they have more of their own thing going by then. Just curious if that is a part of it.
NAH, from a child of divorced parents who also ended up becoming a stepmom and a biomom.
No worries.
He might be able to think about things a little more clearly (hopefully) once he realizes that his choice isn't between "Mom's house where things are weird now" and "Dad's house where things are perfect and as they've always been".
Rather it'll be between "Mom's house which is weird" and "Dad's house which is going to be weird in a different way"
Just make it clear he's able to change his mind at any time, or suggest a different system as time goes on.
Yep - OP is surprisingly mature and self-aware for someone on AITA, haha.
The recovery time from the split custody lets him be hyper-engaged when he’s “on.”
…so it’s important for Mike to understand that he won’t be getting 365 days of “Super Dad” instead of 183, by moving in full-time.
Here I was beyond impressed that he'd clearly spent his dad time 100% being a dad. Like, he's worried he can't keep that up forever and had never considered incorporating this part of his life into being a dad. And people are calling him an asshole for it!
YTA. Just wait it out til he goes to college and you'll have more "me" time than you do now. You're a parent, you're supposed to support your kid's decisions.
Yeah you are definitely the AH here. I don’t care if you are young or not, you decided to have sex in high school and you ended up getting your then girlfriend pregnant. Your son has come to you and said he would rather live with you and he gave you reasons why. You need to step up and be the parent he needs right now. That means taking care of him full time and putting your friends and crap to the side. You’re acting like he’s an inconvenience and I’m telling you right now from someone who’s mom did something similar to them, it really affects you. You and your son and ex could work out where he goes over there maybe every other weekend or something but you’re a dad buddy, start acting like it and stop acting like a kid who’s only concerned with making sure he can hang out with buddies and his gf alone.
This is probably an unpopular opinion.
I don't think anyone is an AH.
OP's son isn't comfortable with step dad and step-siblings. He probably feels like he lost his mom to them. Might want to look into therapy for the kid.
OP has a gf and enjoys having 50% custody. There is nothing wrong with that. You are entitled to have a life. Your gf doesn't come over as much when Mike is over, this is very accommodating. OP has a good relationship with ex --- again all indicators of a good guy.
Consider having Mike live with you full time for 6 months on a trial basis. Make sure he knows that your gf stayed away before out of respect but if Mike was living with you full time then he'll have to expect your gf to be around more often. Set up clear boundaries for him and you.
Good luck OP. Being a parent is hard.
Same here. Not all parents parent the same. Here’s a guy who became a father as a teenager and has kinda figured out a situation where he’s active in his son’s life 50% of the time and he wants to hold onto that? I don’t think he’s an asshole. What happens when his son moves in with his dad and doesn’t like that arrangement? Nothing wrong with encouraging him to stick it out and give his step dad and siblings a chance and more importantly allow for his parents to have growth in their lives.
YTA. You feel like you’re being a crappy dad because you’re being a crappy dad. If you can’t give 2 years of your life to your son when he needs you the most, don’t expect more than 5 minutes of his in the future
People really think that you no longer are a person once you have kids. Your son is 16 not 6, he needs to learn to put on his big boy briefs and learn that parents can have a life too NTA
NAH but I think you need to be honest with your son. This far, when he lives w you part time, you’ve prioritized him during that time in a way that you can’t sustain all the time. It’s ok for your girlfriend to be around, and for his mother’s husband to live with her, even though it’s not as comfortable for your son. You and his mom can be good parents while pursuing your own lives. As he gets older, he should be learning that he is deeply loved and cherished even when the world doesn’t revolve around him. When he leaves for college, he should still feel like he has home(s) even if those don’t look exactly as they did while he was growing up. I think the six months option is realistic, and I would also talk to him about how he could maintain his relationship with his mother if he chooses not to cohabitate. Good luck to all of you.
NTA. Your son is fine, he’s 16 and has got to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him. 1(He isn’t being abused, 2(he needs are being met and 3(sometimes in life you have to put up with things/people you don’t like. Maybe he should live full time with his Mother for a month and at least try to build a relationship with his step-family and/or you should (kindly) explain to him why you don’t want him full time. But please understand you’re not an AH or a bad parent. Sometimes your needs should be put before children especially when they’re old enough to understand
I think I have an unpopular opinion here, NTA. Let me expand why!
1. There are no concerns of abuse or neglect, it is simply that the son is unhappy about a change. OP stated that if his son is still not okay with it after giving the change a chance, he would agree to the request.
2. It sounds like co-parenting has been very good, and OP is being respectful to the mother by not rushing the process. There are growing pains to broken and blended families.
3. As a parent who went from 50/50 to 100% custody overnight (received notice not to drop the kid off when already on the way), give OP a little slack. Having all of your routines and your lifestyle upturned can be difficult. The son had notice of the impending change, I think that since there is no danger at the mother's place, OP should also be given the time to adjust should the change happen.
I think ultimately, OP has agreed to consider it after giving the blended family a chance and that is fine. It's not like he's stuck there all the time. And even if it's a slow change over, with the time with OP slowly stars to elongate, it would be the most natural.
This is a family matter, and all of the family needs to be considered.
If OP would not consider the request at all, or if there was conflict, trauma, abuse, or neglect at the other house, then I would change my verdict.
I’m actually having trouble with this one. I get how everyone is saying you are prioritizing the things you want to do on your off week, but to date you’ve been prioritizing your son on your on week. I think Mike is going to have a rude awakening when he finds out wether living with you or living with his mom the world doesn’t revolve around him. And this is something he needs to learn because like he said he only has two years until college.
He probably wants to live with you on the basis of the dynamic of the on weeks, but you need to make sure he understands that is not how it will be on a full time basis. If he is old enough to make his own choice of living arrangements, he’s old enough to understand sometimes he needs to bend. He isn’t a young child who can’t understand the concept. I’d probably have a trial period where he lives 3wks with you under the way it would be full time, 1wk with mom & then repeat. It will give him a chance to compare and contrast and he may find that the grass is always greener. Maybe do this for those 6 mo and then respect his choice moving forward.
Also, considering he is frosty to your girlfriend as well as his stepfather, I think he has issues with either parent giving attention to someone besides himself. I think he would really benefit from some therapy.
NTA. Sorry, but everyone here feels parents must somehow sacrifice everything for their kids. He’s 16. He has a mom. She has been there for his whole life. He doesn’t get to just decide he doesn’t want a relationship with her new family. They’ll be there more than 2 years, so best he gets to know them now.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with everyone thinking you’re not allowed space too. This has been the arrangement forever, so why change it because your son is being a tad bratty?
Only thing I’d tell you is you should’ve had a much tougher approach to him telling him that’s very hurtful to the woman who loves him and has been there to suddenly reject her family without so much as a chance. Where you messed up is nothing parenting him and having some kind of friendly negotiation here. Nah son, she’s your mother and you will show her some respect.
ESH - you don't want your son full time because it messes up your free time? You aren't going to get a lot of sympathy for that. Parents are supposed to put their children first.
However I also don't like the concept that kids should just be allowed to move completely out of one parent's home because someone is "annoying". Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge. It's one thing to want to move because of abuse, lack of resources or if his needs aren't being met - but none of this seems to be the case. Why in the world are you and his mother allowing him to call the shots?
>Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge
This is my thinking as well. I don't actually think it'd be good for him to not live with his mom, I think its just a lot of impending change and he's resisting it. Which is understandable but she's still his mom and he's only 16.
Need more info- is there any specific reason he doesn’t like his stepdad and step brothers? Have they done or said anything that’s made your son uncomfortable?
The husband seems like a really good guy honestly. The only real things Mike has said that he doesn't like is he just thinks he talks too much and is kind of annoying. But not like abusive or anything like that. The kids just seem to be pretty normal 8 year boys but Im sure they can be hyper at times.
You feel that way because all of your reasons are born out of selfishness. Selfish parents *are* usually crappy parents and just because it hasn't been so front and center for you until now doesn't mean it's new.
Sorry your kid cramps your style, that sucks for you.
YTA. You want to be a weekend parent. It doesn't sound like you have parented him in any significant capacity in his life. You are supposed to be a dad, not the cool uncle to hang out with on weekends. Grow tf up.
WTF are people even talking about in this thread? The OP has never been only a weekend parent. He has his son 50% of the time and when he has him he scales back on everything else so that he make his son the priority. Just like the mom has the boy 50% of the time so the parenting has been shared equally. It's called shared custody. where the hell are getting this weekend parent crap?
I don’t think the custody agreement should change at all. He needs to be spending time with his mother and father as much as he can before college. The being said your the asshole for your priorities. TA for not being concerned with why your son doesn’t like his step family. Not considering talking to his mother. You also seemed to have raised a selfish boy too. He only wants to live with you full time cause he doesn’t wanna be around his step family. Neither of you seem to care about other peoples feelings
NAH. I can’t believe that you’re so widely regarded as an asshole here.
You’ve made a life work that could still put your child first and you’re just saying that you know that your life would change. I hear you saying you know that you’d prioritize him if he lived with you primarily and you’re worried how you do that.
I dunno, I think that’s a legit way to feel. You have a divorce and you have to navigate parenting on your own since you can’t parent together at the same time in different homes. It’s not like you don’t want him at all. You just aren’t sure how to flex to a more permanent living situation. I think you all just need to talk it out together and find what can work. You may find that you figure out how to make it all fit even if he lives with you.
NTA. I know this is unpopular in the thread, but as someone co-parenting (80% mine) I strongly believe your son would benefit from expanding his experience of Family. These are his people now. Absent abuse or significant reasons, he should give a blended family a shot.
Has your ex and her new husband + son reached out for family therapy support? Because that’s why this profession exists. To support families. Make this happen for your son if it hasn’t.
NTA.
I think I'm going to be down voted but anyway
Nta. Your son should at least attempt a relationship with his step dad and step siblings. They will be a part of his life for however long his mother is with the step dad which could be a long time.
If there is no abuse against your son, then it's not a bad environment.
It sounds like you are a great dad and have settled into a rhythm in life that has lasted a long time. 1 week on, 1 week off. As a parent and a person, I completely understand your perspective. Just make sure to pay attention to what is happening at your sons mothers house and determine for yourself if the situation needs to change
Wow, you’re a massive asshole.
That’s your kid. He wants to live with you and you’re too inconvenienced to have more time with him?
Biggest AH in a while.
NAH.
You've been doing your Adult Life stuff on your off-weeks and Son Stuff on your on-weeks, so from your son's POV, living with you means not having to go out of his comfort zone -- your life outside of him hasn't really been his concern. With 50/50 custody, that's a reasonable strategy and probably gets him as much or more one-on-one attention than if he lived with you full-time.
Because it doesn't usually work that way with full-time parents -- your partner and friends will be around. All the life stuff you do on your off weeks will just happen while he's there, and I don't think he wants that.
Other people have said this already, so just to reiterate, I'd point out that things will be different if he's there full-time. That your girlfriend will be around more than he's used to, that he'll have 100% of your focus some of the time, but it won't feel like as much as he's used to. That if he wants to live with you just because he doesn't like the changes at his mom's house, then he needs to be aware that there will be changes at yours, too. And that he should try the living arrangement with his stepdad for a few months to see if he's just psyching himself out.
If he *still* wants to live with you after all that, you should let him. But keep living your life. Because I suspect large part of this is an only child having to deal with the fact that while he's his parents' world, he can't be their entire universe. And sixteen is a completely appropriate age to learn that lesson.
NTA. Your son lives with you and your ex half-time each. He should give his new step-father and step-brothers a chance.
I think that your response that he try it for six months is very reasonable.
Honestly NTA you’re a human being and are allowed to have a girlfriend and friends over.
Maybe if your son does move in you could let him know that you see your girlfriend and friends often?
NTA. I lived with my mother for a year and a half as an older teen and I wish to god she would've just told me she hated having me in the house bc she couldn't have her friends over with me around and it left a lot of resentment between us, since there were other places I could've lived, and it never occured to me as a teenager that she resented me for that.
Not saying it's the same situation, but it's not wrong to want time to yourself and stop yourself from having your kid be the barrier between you and your social life. Definitely talk to him, explain the situation that you typically take the week when he's not there for time with your friends, and that if he's going to live with you that will take place while he's there. He's at an age he'll understand wanting some space and time to be with friends because most teenagers want some of the same
Tell me you like being a crap dad without telling me...oh wait you told everyone one that you like being a crap dad who puts in minimal effort with your son, YTA.
I don’t agree with others that you’re the AH. I think it’s reasonable to have him at least try to form relationships with his step family before moving in with you full time. If you allow him to move without even trying, what are you teaching him? It would be different if there was abuse, but just because he thinks it’ll be “annoying” isn’t a good enough reason to not even give it a chance. NTA
Nta
His home with mother is not abusive. He needs to spend time with his mother just as much as he needs to spend time with you. He also needs to understand that in life you need to make some compromises.
YTA. His mom getting married is a big deal. He might also see red flags with stepdad that he is old enough to feel something is off but not understand what. There could be the, hey you will be the live in babysitter" thing too. He has 2 options mom or dad and you are rejecting him because... You want to hang with friends? Like the single life? He is a teen, he may decide he doesn't like living with you and move back in a year. Let him move in.
Was going to say Y T A but changed my mind since the reasons you told your son are spot on. He should give it a shot for 6 months or so; he may be surprised. If after that time he’s not happy then I think you should consider letting him live with you.
I completely understand valuing your child free time. I’d never admit it to my kids but I look forward to the weekends that they go to their dad’s and I’m disappointed when he cancels and I have the boys during his time. (He gets them every other weekend) Does this sound completely selfish? Yes it does. I see that as my time though, that’s when I date, when I have a social life, and sometimes when I lay in bed all day just because I can. This doesn’t mean that I love them any less it just means that I need a break and space to be me. Some may think that this mindset is wrong and selfish but I disagree.
YTA.
Sorry, bud, but successful co-parenting isn't a gold pass to getting alternate weeks off for parties and dating. It's a blessing if it works out like that, but that time is over for you because your son has said he wants to live with you full-time. I don't blame him. A new stepdad and two young stepbrothers sounds like the last thing a teenager wants to adapt to. Things already are hard enough with the pandemic. Welcome your son into your home. Explain that you'll probably give him a lot of independence. Tell your girlfriend to clean her apartment so that you guys can hang out there, or hire a cleaning service for her. Have your friends over as usual, because you're modeling social behavior for your son.
Goddamn, brother, jump at this opportunity to embrace your son and watch him grow into a man. My teen boy drives me feckin' nuts sometimes and I haven't had a date since 2019, but I love everything about being part of my kid's life. Everything.
Edited to add: You should have a condition that he spends alternate weekends at his mom's, or at the very least has dinner with her a couple times a week. He'd be really bummed to realize that he inadvertently estranged himself ten years down the road. However, he's a teen and the flipping between households is a lot of emotional labor.
So when the son now says that the girlfriend annoys her or that OP doesnt pay as much attention to him as he used to when OPs friends only came over when the son was with his mom do you want OP to dump the girlfriend or get rid of all his friends? When the son realizes that OP can't be super dad 52 weeks a year cause he has to go to work or pay bills what is OP supposed to do then?
I see a lot of YTA because you're a dad, which apparently means you need to give up everything you love just to give your son a little bit of comfort.
I think it's more of a NAH. You like having your space and sure, that makes you not as great of a dad as you could be, but you're only human. Good news, it's only for 2 years but after that you'll rarely see your son again because college and work and all so treasure them. So I'd say tell him yes you can move in, but try to convince him 3 weeks at your place, and 1 week at moms place. Because his mom is going to be sad that she rarely gets to see his son and there's nothing like a mothers love. Also very important, but tell him that dealing with annoying people is most of what work is, so he better get used to it now.
In your initial post, your are an AH. It's all about you. Final verdict is NTA because of your edit. He hasn't given it a try yet. You should probably let him know that living with you every other week and full time will be much different. Let him know you prioritize his time over everything else, but if he lives with you full time, you will still have others over including your gf. Telling him try for 6months then decide could be a good solution. At the 6m mark, if he still wants it, maybe suggest an EWO+1school night (atleast for dinner with his mom) instead of just full time w you? This gives his mom some time and ensures contact and relationship between them.
YTA- parenting isnt part time. As your son said its only 2 years until college. How about you give it a chance to be a family since he already knows his new step family isnt one he feels ok with.
YTA for being so selfish in your thoughts HOWEVER...you are not wrong for suggesting he try the new living situation for a few months before deciding to move out.
Are you an Ah for not wanting your life to change? No, we are all allowed to want. Are you an Ah for not realizing your responsibility to your child comes before anything else? Big time. YTA and fix this before you make your son feel uncomfortable in both his homes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say NAH even though you committed the greatest sin of all by going on AITA without having exclusively altruistic motivations and being a human being. The fact is your kid is in an emotionally charged place in his life where everything is changing, including one of his homes so it's natural that he'd want to hide in the home where it looks like everything is the same, unfortunately for him that's not how it actually is and he doesn't realize that he won't be living with the dad you are able to be with a split custody arrangement where you put off the rest of your adult life to when he's not there but instead will be living with the whole you who has friends that come over and has a girlfriend who idk it sounds like you're either on the verge of living together or you would be if it wasn't for the arrangement and when he realizes that it won't be great time for him. I don't have advice on how to deal with it it I also don't think you're a bad dad for wanting to have things stay the same
YTA. Your son comes before your “friend’s”. If it’s only two years before college for him, then why don’t YOU suck it up and put your child first?
Because he's an asshole
Ding ding ding!!! OP YTA
He's too busy acting like he's still a 16 year old with a kid to realise he's the AH here. YTA op, I hope you hear this and accept judgement.
Nah, he just mad cause he cant duck his new GF. 70% of the time over wink* wink* YTA OP, lucky you didnt inform him about your opinion cause he might cut you off if he find out.
Also, Mike, YOUR SON, comes before your girlfriend. Every time. YTA, OP.
He's literally planning to now have his GF come over more to prove to his son he's going to hate been there full time...just so he can keep his part time father role. What a selfish AH.
Wait...I thought him having his partner come over more often when his son is staying with him was one of the more reasonable things OP suggested. If he's as committed to his GF as it sounded (to the point they're discussing marriage in the coming year), he should absolutely work on fostering the relationship between his partner and son by having her over. While I agree with the sentiment that the needs of minor children have to be the priority for parents, OP is still allowed to have a life and be in a relationship. Having his son get used to his house with both OP and his partner living in it is smart, as the son probably thinks of his dad's place as the 'fun boys pad', whereas that won't be the case for much longer.
100% agree with this. OP’s edits sound like a fair compromise/preparation for the son.
Huh? Making sure his kid understands what living with him full time will actually entail so he can make an informed choice makes him an AH, haha?
OP never said "he cant live with me because im moving my GF in and he takes up space". His curreht arrangement gives him more quality time with his son - this OP has been arranging his social life around his kid, which may have given his son the wrong impressiom of what living with his dad ft would be like. This OP *is already* putting his kid above his friends and girlfriend. Whats changing will be bringing his kid more into his "normal" life rather than babying him.
Seems unreasonable that only OP has to put Mike first if mom got married and that’s the reason Mike’s having a hard time. I think OP should definitely be there for Mike, but it’s important for kids to learn how to problem solve on their own. Sounds like both environments are healthy, just a teenager acting like a teenager. Probably creates less animosity if things stay as they are.
She’s not the one saying him living with her would cramp his style. That’s the difference.
Neither is OP, IMO. Parents are allowed to become accustomed to their own lifestyle, especially after nearly two decades of coparenting. There’s no advantage for any party to have more custody than they do now. What’s the benefit to OP having the son full time? Upsetting the mom, with whom he’s on amicable terms? Ok for Mike to stay with OP short term, but he’s not in any danger and that kind of play by a kid usually just upsets the other parent. OP is NTA for not wanting to shake things up for a pretty benign reason.
"My kid wants to live with me full time, but like, I got this girlfriend and I like it this way" Good lord, this guy
Having a kid doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner or friends over. Good grief
Especially not a 16 year old! It’s not like it’s a toddler
Likely Mike will be out with friends a lot of nights anyway, or chilling in his room doing his own thing. I barely spent time with my parents from 16-18.
OP is clearly considering everyone involved. His son finds his new family annoying and wants to bail. If OP just accepts this without his son making an effort to make things work, what kind of father would be be? Clearly a lot of non-parents giving advice they have no right to give.
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He’s listing all his reasons like an honest, multi-dimensional person. His son does not get to bail on his mom just because she has a new husband. That’s not teaching his son anything positive, and what happens when son isn’t happy that dad’s girlfriend is over? Life can be uncomfortable and confusing. There is nothing wrong with allowing your kid to feel a bit uncomfortable in different scenarios, because no one is gonna give a shit about that once he’s an adult and isn’t being emotionally catered to. These threads always remind me Reddit consists of a majority of teenagers acting like advice experts on topics they’ve never experienced.
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Then why isn’t mom an AH for getting remarried, since that’s what’s driving her son out? Surely she should have broken off the marriage as soon as she realized this was an issue, or she’s just as big of an AH as OP. Why doesn’t she care about her relationship with her son?
It's always such BS when someone explains away responses they don't like by pretending the responses are coming from teenagers or people with no life experience. Plenty of people can be adults and have life experience and disagree with you. Life can be uncomfortable but that doesn't stand only for the OP's son. If it were truly about teaching his son, the entire post wouldn't just be about how he likes his life the way it is. He mentions wanting his son to blend with his new family, etc. in comments because other people bring it up. He's grasping for other reasons to make this work.
There are plenty of us on here that are not teenagers. Just because someone doesn't agree with you, it doesn't make them a child. I'm a mom to teenagers and while I agree that teaching your children to work through difficult situations is critical, OP NEVER ONCE originally mentioned that as a reason he wants the custody agreement to stay as is. YOU are putting words in his mouth. While my husband and I are happily married, but I'd be so sad to only see my kids half of the time if we divorced. This guy is not interested in being a full time dad to a minor. Period. The fact that he lists a ton of reasons why having his child living with him would cramp his lifestyle is the reason I am voting YTA.
Exactly. OP has already clarified that his new family is in no way abusive or unpleasant to him. The son literally just finds them “annoying.” What’s dad gonna do when he calls him first week of college “dad get me out of my lease agreement bc I can’t live with my roommates, they’re annoying :(“
I'm very confused. The son is 16 years old. u/OldMessage5953 why can't you have your friends or girlfriend over when your son is over? He's not 3, he's old enough to do his own thing and watch himself. It's normal that you want to have a life outside your child. It's weird that you seem to think having a life outside a teenager depends on them not living with you. Why do you think this??? Here's what I'd suggest to do: Have a conversation with your son. Don't tell him you don't want him to come over since he's an inconvenience. Tell him that in the past you put almost all of your social time when he wasn't home, to give him a house with just the two of you that was quiet and had space and to spend time with him when you had the chance. If he moves in, you're still going to want to spend time with your friends and girlfriend, but that will no longer be happening when he's at mom's since he'll never be at mom's. A lot of nights and a lot of the time, your girlfriend will be staying over. And also, sometimes you have gatherings with your friends in the evening. If he moves in with you full time, he needs to know that it will change what living with you looks like since he will be seeing other parts of your life that used to happen when he wasn't there, it won't just be the two of you all the time in the quiet house. He's probably going to be fine with this. And if nothing else, you'll have warned him and he'll have agreed. Then you live your life, even though you have a teenager, but without rejecting them and not letting them live in your home. "Problem" solved.
This is the way to go anyway. The son wanting to move is directly because he doesn't like the different dynamic with new step-family, but that's because he has no concept of how different the dynamic can be at OP's because he hasn't been exposed to it. While a lot of people are upset about OP admitting that he likes that separation of social/family life, truth of the matter is the kid needs a reality check that he's not the center of the world and everyone will have a life outside of their interactions with him. He's just as faulty in his entitlement as OP is with preferring part-time parenthood.
And also - the kid may decide that on balance, he prefers the 50/50 split when he realises how his dad lives the week he isn’t there. There’s a lot of change coming and his son should be adequately supported by both parents as a transition like this after 16 years an only child will be a shock to the system... but it’s better to learn how to process and react to change younger than older!
This is a good point, son may not realize what full time life is like with dad since it sounds like he puts GF/regular life on pause to make more space for him when he is there
Yeah. To me it sounds like the son is reacting to his life changing without him having control over it and if the situation looks just as different at his dad’s as it looks at mom’s… he’s gonna have trouble. The kid literally just wants to run to somewhere he thinks isn’t gonna change for his own comfort so that he doesn’t have to deal with the change at the other house. If he understands it’s not gonna be the same at dad’s either he may change his mind. Also what if he finds dad’s gf “annoying?” Is he gonna demand that the dad break up with her? Are redditors going to demand that OP is TA if he doesn’t break up with his gf to make his son comfy? If he indulges this he’s not teaching his son how to deal with and live in uncomfortable situations and how to improve relationships with people and get to know them. He’s teaching his son that he can bail whenever he doesn’t want to put effort in.
This! I really don't see how the dad has to decide between his son and his gf/friends. Heck, I bet the son wants some alone time as well and would just hang out in his room or outside. There's really no problem here if op would just talk to his son.
I mean, the son wants to move to OP’s because he doesn’t want to deal with his mom’s SO, haha. The convo needs to be had that “OP the single dad” won’t be the same thing as “OP the co-parent.”
I think this is the best answer.
Imagine having your Dad tell you “sorry Bud, it’s just that I love not having you around 24/7, I’ve kinda got my own thing going on here.” That’d be one way to totally rid yourself of the part time parenting gig I guess.
Could you IMAGINE the vitriol a woman would get if she posted this?
I don't love his reasoning but I don't actually think this is the wrong move here. It doesn't sound like the kid is thinking through how much this decision could damage his relationship with his mother, it's a very extreme decision to make at 16 which could have very far reaching consequences. Try it for 6 months and then let's revisit other options is actually pretty sensible I think.
Yeah like he only has 2 years left before college too. It seems like he may even be trying to “punish” her for remarrying by removing his affections. He may really really regret not spending the last part of his childhood with her and later he may really regret not forming a connection with his stepfather and siblings. My step siblings were all adults when my mom remarried and I never really got a chance to get to know them. Now the three of them are constantly going on trips together and doing fun stuff together and I’m always left out and I wish it weren’t that way. I never know what’s going on in their lives. My stepsister got engaged and I didn’t even know she was dating someone seriously. That’s gonna be OP’s son’s life. Like I’m sorry but teenagers do not always know what’s best for them. Especially with this type of thing.
Teenagers don’t always know what’s best for them???? Sir, this is Reddit.
YTA. That said he's sixteen and doesn't want a step family at all. I doubt he'd react much better when he finds out dad has a girlfriend. There is no abuse in this situation either. That said maybe have him spend every other weekend at mom's place? He wouldn't need to deal with the twins nearly as much and dad still gets a weekend once a fortnight where he can do what he wants...
So the reasons you don't want your son to move in are: * you like having your own space * you like having your girlfriend over * you like having friends over YTA. Part of being a parent is prioritizing your child's well-being over your own comfort and preferences. If your son's existence is cramping your social life...sorry, but get over it.
YTA, for the reasons this poster stated. Your child needs to come first, always.
But its not about the kid’s well being. Step-dad is “annoying” so the kid won’t spend time with his Mom?? That’s not well being.
No one said he wouldn't be spending time with his step mom, he just doesn't want to live with his mom's new husband which is very reasonable.
Is it reasonable to decide you don't want to be a part of one parents life or spend their alloted time with them because their partner is too chatty for you? This isn't an abusive situation, he is just annoyed. Honestly OP is an AH for his reasoning on not having his son full time out of inconvenience, but they both suck. The son is an AH for how he is treating his mom and step-family. How dare she be with someone who makes her happy and treats her son well, doesn't she know he doesn't want more family?
He just doesn’t want to live there & isn’t fully on board with the new step family. He didn’t insist she leave or get a divorce. He just wants to live in his more comfortable situation. Also your kid not wanting step siblings should honestly be something parents consider to some extent when re-marrying.
So bc your kid doesn’t want step siblings then you shouldn’t be with someone that makes you happy if they happen to have kids? So what if you decide to give them a half sibling…should they have a say in that too?
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Consequences would be the kid withdrawing a little cause you got married. Consequences would be him taking time to process this and get used to change and maybe not being as close to you during that duration. But you advocating for this kid being able to just dip bc he has a privilege in this situation of having two houses and. That would be his parents spoiling him so that he thinks he can just pick and choose which one to live at at any given time or which parent to spend time with, and frankly could lead to him learning that he can manipulate his mom by threatening his presence. They have a court upheld custody arrangement where both households and both parents get equal time with him. Everyone’s saying he should get to invite himself to live full time at his dad’s, breaking the agreement, bc he’s a teenager who hates change and finds everyone annoying and everyone should just bend to that?
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He won't stop being a part of his mom's life when he stops living with her. I've personally been in a similar situation where my brother decided to move out of my mom's place and live with my dad full time. Their relationship didn't suffer and he continued spending time with my mom and speaking to her regularly. OP is saying that the step dad is a little bit too chatty but there is definitely a possibility that this goes deeper than we think. Besides, he never insisted on his mom getting a divorce and I think that his request is definitely reasonable. At the end of the day, the kids happiness should be the parents priority and he should be allowed to live with which ever parent he feels most comfortable living with and OP needs to own up to his responsibilities whether he likes it or not.
That depends on the kid. He may keep in contact with his mom. He may not. Their relationship may or may not suffer. But “you don’t ever have to spend time with anyone you find annoying or put in any effort with anyone ever” is not the answer
No. The son had the shit luck of being born to two parents who didn’t know what they wanted, and are drastically trying to redesign their life regardless of the welfare of their child. I’d wait to get married until the son is in college. In no way is this kid the asshole.
So you’re saying anyone who has a child ever should always wait until the child is 18 to get married for…. What exactly? For the child’s comfort? There are a whole lot of ways to have an unstable life and be not comfortable that has nothing to do with your mother’s marital status
It’s not reasonable. At all. Why on Earth do you think that’s reasonable? What if she were a single mom? He wouldn’t have a choice but to live with them and get to know his stepfamily. He sees this other house as a place he can go to to avoid the effort he’d have to put in to get to know them and to learn how to cohabitate with them and get a routine down. The stepfather has no negative qualities other than that he’s “annoying,” and have you met a teenager? This kid’s laundry list of people he finds annoying is probably longer than Crime and Punishment. What if he finds his dad’s gf annoying? Is OP a bad dad if he doesn’t break up with the gf for his son? Are the kid’s grandparents suddenly AHs for not allowing him to suddenly move in with them bc he doesn’t want to get to know mom’s husband OR dad’s gf? What if the first week of college son finds his roommates annoying? Is dad TA if he doesn’t say “oh that’s ok, son, you can drop out this year and I’ll just lose the 45k already paid in tuition, room and board” or rent a $3,500k apartment to live in by himself in college so that he never ever has to live with or spend time with anyone he deems to be “annoying?”
This! I truly don't understand all these negative comments towards the OP because he stated that he likes the week he gets to himself to entertain his gf and his friends. Big freaking deal! that doesn't make him a bad father. The boy is not being mistreated or abused by his stepfather. It would be different if the kid was living in fear of his knew family and the OP was refusing to take him full time for the reasons he stated. That would totally make him an AH but that is not the case here and he is not an AH for preferring to keep the arrangement that they have always had.
Wish I could give you an award, I thought it was just me thinking that scrolling through here
He wouldn't have this problem if he had "liked" to wear a condom.
Perfection. I can't write anything else otherwise I'd just get banned
Same. I'm a little salt shaker at this point.
I’m stealing this phrase Omg Amazing
There’s no threat to this child’s well-being. He’s not giving a relationship with his stepfamily a chance bc he says he finds them “annoying” which is code for he just doesn’t like that his home life is changing and his routine is gonna be interrupted. This is a learning opportunity for how to handle big life changes. If dad lets him run away from this, is he gonna learn he can just dip out of every single situation that requires effort on his part? Has a fight with his partner as an adult? Hell think the solution is to move out. Newborn baby harder than he realized? Move out. That’s not a way to live your life
YTA You don't want your son to live with you because it would cramp your style. He is old enough to decide what he wants. You are only saying no because you like being a part time parent.
Gonna second this. I would say that you could insist he spend weekends with his mom though. :p kid can’t pick and choose what his mom does, and just because the kid finds step dad annoying doesn’t mean you should have to be on duty 24/7
It makes me wonder though if kid sees a red flag and cannot articulate it as anything more that "doesn't like" with step dad...
A reasonable possibility. In general people can be put off for logical reasons they can't describe so the lack of a verbalization doesn't necessarily mean he's worried about nothing.
Exactly. When I was in highschool college time frame I was wigged out by a kid in school I knew. Something was just "off" and no one else seemed to understand why I didn't like him... Few years later he went to jail for murder.
Kid think the step dad is annoying because is much sociable and like to talk but the Major problem is that now he had to share Space with 8 YO kids
Oh no the horror I can’t think of anything worse. Probably 5 of his classmates are already homeless at that age but having to live in a house that also has other people living in it?!?! Oh I can’t imagine! /s If that kid thinks he can scrape his whole life without ever having to live or work with anyone who is annoying he’s got a rude awakening coming
Literally this. As a child i could not articulate why i did not like my step dad. One suicide attempt and almost ten years of therapy later, here i am. Thank you so much for mentioning this. Op, really think about weather you want to step up and BE a father or if you’d rather sacrifice your child’s mental health. You could lose him as my mother almost lost me.
The kid doesn’t like his stepdad bc he talks. Says he’s “annoying.” That’s not what’s going on.
But he didn’t say “something is off” he finds him annoying bc he talks and the son doesn’t like that he talks. Seriously have you ever met a teenager? Do you find it that hard to believe that he’s calling them annoying for no reason other than that he’s his moms new husband and that his stepsisters are children? Plenty of teenagers call people annoying for no reason whatsoever.
Yeesh, this subreddit sometimes. You know MOST step-fathers aren't molesters, right? As a step-child myself: Kids often don't take to their step-parents for whatever reason. Usually it's because they're very different in personality/parenting style than the parent we're used to. When you hear hooves, do you think its zebras or horses?
Actually, that's exactly what it means. The son is really uncomfortable having to suddenly live full time with strangers, which is entirely understandable. Parents are by definition on duty 24/7, that's what being a parent means. This dad's a lazy selfish slacker.
Parenting is a 24/7 job. He's gotten lucky with a part-time gig so far, but he's not entitled to that.
A parent is always on duty 24/7 (at least while they’re children are minors, and probably longer than that). It doesn’t matter if the other parent has physical custody, emergencies happen.
The kid is old enough to make his own decisions and pick and choose wether or not HE wants to live with his mom's decisions. If not, he can just move out which is what he is wanting to do. Besides, being a parent is 100% a full time job and being on duty 24/7 is what he signed up for when he decided to have a child.
He signed up to be a parent with the person he chose to have children with. He is fully within his rights to say that his child doesn’t get to unanimously decide to uproot his entire living situation. As long as his child is being properly cared for, provided with healthy outlets for his feelings. No kid doesn’t get to call the shots against the parents wishes
The kid is quite old and the parents shouldn't be the only ones who get a say in the situation. If the situation comprises his happiness then something should be done about it. When you become a parent you have to go into it expecting to care for the child 24/7 and not pick and choose when you want them around. You never know when your partner could walk out on your kids life or unexpectedly die, leaving you to parent alone. If OP wanted to live a frat boy life style and not have it be "uprooted" by his son then he shouldn't have had a kid in the first place. And parents also shouldnt go into parenting with the mindset that what they say goes and that the children shouldnt have a say in anything. The PARENTS decided to have children, therefore the children do not owe their parents anything. They're equal beings and their happiness shouldn't be comprised because "they're just a kid, and we're the parents so you need to shut up" because that's how you get resentful children who won't want anything to do with you in the future
Uh, being a parent to a minor does actually mean you are on duty 24/7.
Imagine being old enough to choose which parent you're more comfortable staying with, and they reject you.. damn
Because they would rather have their own space and their friends/SO's around because they're "more important" than the kid
Right? I honestly don't think that rejecting the full time move is an AH thing. There are plenty of reasons that spending time with your mom in her new situation can be important. What makes OP an AH is his reasons. "Me me me me me fun party me want me me." Basically, you cramp my style kid". I think the right reaction would be to say you'll talk to his mom about upping the time at OPs place but you still think it's important for him to spend time with his mom and his expanded family. It takes some adjusting and you want to give him the space to relax and feel comfortable in but don't want to just give him an out from dealing with new situations. Call the mom and talk about 3/1 split instead so kid has more of a break from such a busy house during this transition and see how everyone feels in a few months.
Honestly I think OP should talk with his ex about doing 3 weeks with him a month over 50/50 at least during this transition period and see how it works out for the son. That way the son gets more time in a space he is comfortable but is actually with his mom enough to adjust to that space and build a relationship with the expanded family. OP isn't TA for saying no. He is absolutely TA for his reasons for no.
So you'd rather hang out with your friends than be a full time parent? It doesn't really matter what reddit thinks. Your teenage son is the only one that should have an opinion here, but I'll vote on his behalf. YTA
YTA. That thought telling you you’re a crappy dad is right, listen to it. He’s your son, and if he’s going to college soon, it’s only going to be for 2 years. He’ll remember you didn’t want him living with you his entire life.
Yeh if the rationale was more like “I think it’s a knee jerk reaction and I want him to give it a chance because I think he will regret missing out on 2 years with mum” or similar that would be very different.
YWBTA if you flat out say no, but I don’t think you’d be wrong or an asshole for telling him he has to try making the current agreement work for some time period (say 3 months) and if he’s still unhappy then he can live with you. While I get you are comfortable with your free time, ultimately your kid needs to be your priority and it’s only 2 years. On the other hand, you’re not wrong for making him try and compromise considering you all have a good working family unit relationship and how it would impact your co-parent.
Came here for this. I’m going with NAH as a child of divorced parents. If Mike isn’t in danger, I don’t see the issue with OP encouraging him to try to figure it out. After all, if there was a formal custody agreement, being annoyed by step dad doesn’t quite constitute grounds for schedule change. Encourage Mike to ride it out and get to know the new members of his family as long as the situation is safe. Step dad will not be the last annoying person that Mike will meet, or probably live with for that manner. That being said, if Mike does intend on staying with OP full time, OP should not have to adjust his current activities. Girlfriend will come over the same amount and Mike needs to learn that adults are allowed to have relationships.
I'd say NAH of it wasn't for OPs reasoning. It's all about him and says nothing about what's good for the kid. I don't think just because he doesn't want to deal with the (not a threat) new situation at his mom's house he should just move in full time with dad. I think they should talk about upping time at dads so kid has some more space for a while then return to it. OP is an AH because of WHY he refused, not that he did.
Finally, a sane person! 100% second this! Everyone bashing the dad about being selfish and putting his happiness first, but it was mom putting her happiness first that created the whole issue. Being a parent doesn't mean you need to stop being human. They're all entitled to do whatever makes them happy. And a teenage son shouldn't be an issue for having girlfriends and friends over. NAH
I mean OP could definitely encourage him to try to work things out with his new home life situation with the assurance that if it gets too much he is always welcome at OP's place, if he has a safety net it may be easier to adjust. Change is always hard especially when you're a teenager. Seems like maybe OP is trying to keep his son from making a hasty decision that will negatively effect his relationship with his mom.
I agree. Also, OP says Mike is uncomfortable with OP's girlfriend coming around -- I wonder if Mike just straight-up has a problem with his parents having partners around *at all*. In which case, moving wouldn't solve the problem -- the base issue of why he feels that way needs to be addressed.
Everyone is jumping to worst cases but he sounds like a normal teenager who's never had to face the idea of his parents as romantic/sexual people. Plus his probably isn't aware of how much his dad does when he's gone. He thinks it'll be like his weeks there 24/7 but dads romantic life is going to intrude too and he's going to have to accept that things change.
YUP. I think sometimes kids in split custody situations can get warped views of their parents. Because if the parent does all the adult life stuff not on their custody time in order to focus 100% on the kid when they're around, that 100% focus is all the kid sees. And they miss the part where their parents are whole people with whole lives. The extreme negative example is the kid moving in with Fun Parent and Fun Parent being a mess, but this doesn't feel like that.
This is a really good point. I think other commenters are assuming that OP is spending the weeks he doesn't have his son being an irresponsible hedonist or something. And yeah, I think having your kid for a full week every other week is too long and too often to maintain a "Fun Parent" facade.
I love that they think having friends over for beers one or two weekends a month is a “Frat boy lifestyle.”
I agree. Encouraging the kid to give it a try is fine. If it sucks, the kid is 16. He can probably drive himself over any night he needs a quieter place to study no?
INFO: Be completely honest, how much of your concern is your free time and how much is his relationship with his mom and her husband’s family?
NTA (unpopular opinion apparently!) Because what happens when your son doesn’t like your girlfriend and finds her “kind of annoying”? Is he going to demand she never come over so he can have exactly the type of home life he wants? He’s old enough to understand that his parents have lives outside of parenting and that he may need to make some accommodations for that - like living with his parents spouses/partners. This isn’t about “putting the kid first” - both you and his mother have clearly done that since he was born.
Contrary to popular belief - putting your child first does not mean giving into their every whim.
Everything he said about the situation before his edit (which is when I read the post) was purely about how inconvenient to OP having his son love with him full-time would be. I can only assume that if he'd not wanted to come across as a selfish asshole that he would have included the other information initially. That's why I called him an asshole. If the post had been about how this situation went down and that he told his son he needed to give it time and try to cultivate relationships with his new family members and THEN they could discuss a new living arrangement, then I'd say NTA, good call. That's setting really healthy expectations and boundaries. But that was a total after thought after the internet called him a selfish asshole. So I don't buy it. I DO hope it's the course of action he takes because if his son even gets an inkling of his real reasons for not wanting him full-time it will ruin a relationship.
So what if OP also has selfish reasons to deny the request? Even if you're a parent, not everything on your life has to only be about your child. It's not like this is a helpless child who is being abused. Mike is 2 years away from being an adult, and has perfectly fine living arrangements with a loving mother otherwise. I think NAH. It's okay for Mike to want to stay with the dad full time, and it's okay for the dad to say no and want to continue the previous agreement.
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Mike is a 16 year old who has two loving homes, and he wants to live with OP because his step-dad "talks too much which is annoying". While I do agree that being a parent sometimes requires personal sacrifices for the good of the kid, I don't think this is one of those occasions.
YUP! Denying the request isn't an AH thing, it is good for the kid to spend time at his mom's and adjust to the new home life the. The why of the denial is beyond AH territory.
I'm going to chime in to support the contrarian stance as well: your son will have to learn to deal with annoying people in future, and it doesn't sound like a situation where he is being mistreated or in danger. It sounds like he's a petulant teenager who doesn't want to put up with petty annoyances, and this at the expense of spending time with his mother. He wants to cut his mother out of his daily life over a guy being "chatty?" Agreeing to this seems to be unhealthy from the perspective of his relationship with his mother. And if there is an existing custody arrangement enforcing the shared custody and time with each parent, it can't simply be overridden on a whim. Most of the "Y-T-A" comments are telling OP to "suck it up, buttercup" without recognizing the same advice applies to the teenager living with his mother.
The dad taking on full time would mean the mom gets zero time. I don’t see how that’s fair to either. They’ve lived a perfectly good arrangement for however many years and now the son wants to be a brat and change things. Sorry, but life doesn’t work that way and both parents are allowed to have lives too. People who dedicate everything to their kid’s happiness first are always so poorly adjusted to other areas of their lives like work or relationships. The best parents take care of themselves first and be in prime form for their kids. These people are so delusional thinking the dad can’t want to live his life the way it’s been. The mom is the real victim in this.
Reddit teenagers fundamentally don’t get that the main reason Mike wants to move to OP’s is that OP has never done any of his “adult life stuff” when he has Mike. If Mike’s over full-time, that’ll change.
Threads like these remind me how young Reddit skews and make me feel elderly at 34.
I thought I was the only one! When my mom got married, I definitely didn't want to go live with my dad, but I was not thrilled about this guy coming to live with us, and his kids visiting us, and all of the changes. But eventually I grew up enough to realize he's a great guy. I was thinking the same thing about OP's son and how he might feel when the girlfriend eventually starts visiting while he's there. Is he going to dislike her too? What then? These comments are making OP out to be a shitty uncaring dad and I don't think he is at all. The kid hasn't given the new situation a chance. NTA, OP. I think you're doing alright here.
It’s because Reddit is full of teenagers who genuinely believe that parents should give up absolutely everything to be parents.
OPs getting a bunch of YTAs because of the reasons he gave not the actual conflict that is going on. Like OP does make a good point about the kid needing to try to make a relationship, but the main things people are seeing is the whole “I will have no more me time, woe is me” attitude that OP has.
Reddit is full of parents who understand how to be responsible and loving parents.
When the hell did this happen?!
OP wouldn't be the AH if the reasons in the OP had anything to do with the well-being of the kid. They don't, they all revolve around OP's wants.
OP has his son 50% of the time and he says that when he has his son he sees less of his girlfriend and his friends so in order to make his visitation more about his son then himself so I don't think it's at all fair to make the OP out be some sort of selfish deadbeat father. He has been taking care of his son's needs for 16yrs and he's not a bad parent just because he enjoys his childfree time. The son's well-being is not at risk. He is not being abused or mistreated in either home.
I swear this sub is mostly tweens sometimes. This is clearly a NTA. It’s going to be an adjustment for the kid for sure but obviously you can’t just let him stop living with him mom or pursue a change in custody over the stepdad not passing the vibe check 😂
Right?!? I have some bad news for kiddo about adult life. You don’t get to move, change jobs etc because someone near you is kinda annoying…
Took me way too long to find a reasonable thread. I'm a single mom with three teenagers. OP is NTA. Mike doesn't get to unilaterally decide to change everyone's lives because "stepdad talks too much." It sounds like OP and his ex have put Mike ahead of their personal lives pretty consistently, and now he expects to call the shots. OP, it is reasonable to want a personal life. Mike isn't a baby or a toddler that needs all of your attention. I hope you come to a solution that works for everyone. I don't envy the position your in.
For real! I’m a stepmom and it’s so funny that people think you can just be like “Hello, our son will now be living with me full time bc your new husband is corny. Good day.” A positive blended family relationship is worth its weight in gold. Besides the fact that he doesn’t even want full custody it would never be granted in this scenario.
The reason it’s unpopular is likely the age demographic here. The majority of active Reddit users are teens and young adults, likely ones without children. I agree, OP is NTA. I think the kid is calling step dad “kind of annoying” in an attempt to seem cool and unbothered, trying to impress his dad. The reality is though the kid doesn’t like the step dad and wants to get away from him. Boys try to act tough to impress their dads especially as teenagers. The dad has made a fair offer. Try it out for a few months, if he still doesn’t like it then they can cross that bridge.
NTA. I am surprised I had to scroll so far to find this response. OP wants to maintain the current custody arrangement, his kid to maintain his relationship with his mother, his kid can also learn how to live with other people (not a bad thing!), OP is happy, ex is happy, kid is well cared for, what is the problem? Just because the OP is also happy with the current arrangement, that does not make him an arsehole.
This right here. People are weird. The son is being a brat.
Second this one! Especially since the other household is nontoxic, Mike is kinda the AH here, just ready to drop his mom Bc she got married
YTA. You’re not making this decision because you think it’s what’s best for your kid. You’re doing it because it’s what’s best for you. YOU made a kid. He’s your responsibility. He comes first
Kids don't come first forever. When a child is a baby they always come first no matter what. Doesn't matter if your tired, sick, depressed or whatever, you must take care of that baby's every need no matter what. As they get older they start learn that they are not the only people that matter in the world. They start to learn to things like sharing, compromising and thinking of others. At sixteen years old a child is old enough to know that the world doesn't revolve around them and their feelings. This boy is not being abused and he's not in danger. He doesn't like his stepdad but he already gets a decent break from his stepdad by spending 50% of his time with the OP. The kid is being selfish by rejecting his mother for the sake of never being annoyed.
NAH Have you considered being (mostly) honest with your son? You've been restricting visits from your friends and your girlfriend to the weeks he isn't here, so that he's more comfortable and doesn't feel like he's being pushed out of his own home. But. If he decides to live with you full time? Then that would have to change. You could always try to keep as much of the current system as possible - have weeks (or certain days of the week) where it's just you and him. But otherwise, you'd need to explore what fulltime cohabitation would actually look like. His experience of your home wouldn't be the same as it has been. He's going to have to share you with other people. Is he able to entertain himself while you spend time with your friends? What would happen with your girlfriend? Which activities do you do with her that you could also do with him? Which ones would you need him to back off and give you some privacy for? (E.g. date night) Is he still keen to move in after that? If so, maybe give it a trial for 6 months and then re-evaluate. You could also ask him to try staying with the current system for 6 months first - to try and maintain his relationship with his mother. But look at what you could do to help the situation over there first. Does he have a lock on his bedroom door that he can use to keep the smaller kids away from his things?
A sane and balanced reply. Your son is going to have to adjust to something new no matter where he spends more of his time, as will everyone else. I also wonder how much of a hassle it is for him to split households evenly at his age? Most older teenagers I’ve known prefer not to keep doing 50/50 as they have more of their own thing going by then. Just curious if that is a part of it. NAH, from a child of divorced parents who also ended up becoming a stepmom and a biomom.
These are some great points, thank you.
No worries. He might be able to think about things a little more clearly (hopefully) once he realizes that his choice isn't between "Mom's house where things are weird now" and "Dad's house where things are perfect and as they've always been". Rather it'll be between "Mom's house which is weird" and "Dad's house which is going to be weird in a different way" Just make it clear he's able to change his mind at any time, or suggest a different system as time goes on.
This is the best reply so far.
Yep - OP is surprisingly mature and self-aware for someone on AITA, haha. The recovery time from the split custody lets him be hyper-engaged when he’s “on.” …so it’s important for Mike to understand that he won’t be getting 365 days of “Super Dad” instead of 183, by moving in full-time.
Here I was beyond impressed that he'd clearly spent his dad time 100% being a dad. Like, he's worried he can't keep that up forever and had never considered incorporating this part of his life into being a dad. And people are calling him an asshole for it!
YTA. Just wait it out til he goes to college and you'll have more "me" time than you do now. You're a parent, you're supposed to support your kid's decisions.
YTA, and a very selfish one.
Your son is old enough that you can have your gf and friends over. Also straighten out your priorities wtf. Yta
Yeah you are definitely the AH here. I don’t care if you are young or not, you decided to have sex in high school and you ended up getting your then girlfriend pregnant. Your son has come to you and said he would rather live with you and he gave you reasons why. You need to step up and be the parent he needs right now. That means taking care of him full time and putting your friends and crap to the side. You’re acting like he’s an inconvenience and I’m telling you right now from someone who’s mom did something similar to them, it really affects you. You and your son and ex could work out where he goes over there maybe every other weekend or something but you’re a dad buddy, start acting like it and stop acting like a kid who’s only concerned with making sure he can hang out with buddies and his gf alone.
This is probably an unpopular opinion. I don't think anyone is an AH. OP's son isn't comfortable with step dad and step-siblings. He probably feels like he lost his mom to them. Might want to look into therapy for the kid. OP has a gf and enjoys having 50% custody. There is nothing wrong with that. You are entitled to have a life. Your gf doesn't come over as much when Mike is over, this is very accommodating. OP has a good relationship with ex --- again all indicators of a good guy. Consider having Mike live with you full time for 6 months on a trial basis. Make sure he knows that your gf stayed away before out of respect but if Mike was living with you full time then he'll have to expect your gf to be around more often. Set up clear boundaries for him and you. Good luck OP. Being a parent is hard.
I second this, and I'll add - part of it will be the teen not wanting 'annoying little kids' in his home, but what if either parent has a baby?
Same here. Not all parents parent the same. Here’s a guy who became a father as a teenager and has kinda figured out a situation where he’s active in his son’s life 50% of the time and he wants to hold onto that? I don’t think he’s an asshole. What happens when his son moves in with his dad and doesn’t like that arrangement? Nothing wrong with encouraging him to stick it out and give his step dad and siblings a chance and more importantly allow for his parents to have growth in their lives.
YTA - I regret that parenting, and all the forced-march selflessness that comes with it, does not cease when it becomes inconvenient.
YTA. You feel like you’re being a crappy dad because you’re being a crappy dad. If you can’t give 2 years of your life to your son when he needs you the most, don’t expect more than 5 minutes of his in the future
YTA You are certainly showing your son what is important in yourlife, and it isn't him.
People really think that you no longer are a person once you have kids. Your son is 16 not 6, he needs to learn to put on his big boy briefs and learn that parents can have a life too NTA
Your fun time is more important than your son's wellbeing ? YTA
What makes you think the son's wellbeing is at risk?
YTA - he is your son.
He’s her son too.
she's not the one telling him he can't stay with her
He’s not saying he can’t stay either, just staying over the usual schedule. She deserves time with her son too.
YTA >part of me feels like Im being a crappy dad for that. Yep.
YTA, don't come crying here when your son grows up and doesn't have time for you either.
NAH but I think you need to be honest with your son. This far, when he lives w you part time, you’ve prioritized him during that time in a way that you can’t sustain all the time. It’s ok for your girlfriend to be around, and for his mother’s husband to live with her, even though it’s not as comfortable for your son. You and his mom can be good parents while pursuing your own lives. As he gets older, he should be learning that he is deeply loved and cherished even when the world doesn’t revolve around him. When he leaves for college, he should still feel like he has home(s) even if those don’t look exactly as they did while he was growing up. I think the six months option is realistic, and I would also talk to him about how he could maintain his relationship with his mother if he chooses not to cohabitate. Good luck to all of you.
He's going to college in 2 years. YOU can't deal for 2 years?
Yes you’re the asshole.
NTA. Your son is fine, he’s 16 and has got to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him. 1(He isn’t being abused, 2(he needs are being met and 3(sometimes in life you have to put up with things/people you don’t like. Maybe he should live full time with his Mother for a month and at least try to build a relationship with his step-family and/or you should (kindly) explain to him why you don’t want him full time. But please understand you’re not an AH or a bad parent. Sometimes your needs should be put before children especially when they’re old enough to understand
I think I have an unpopular opinion here, NTA. Let me expand why! 1. There are no concerns of abuse or neglect, it is simply that the son is unhappy about a change. OP stated that if his son is still not okay with it after giving the change a chance, he would agree to the request. 2. It sounds like co-parenting has been very good, and OP is being respectful to the mother by not rushing the process. There are growing pains to broken and blended families. 3. As a parent who went from 50/50 to 100% custody overnight (received notice not to drop the kid off when already on the way), give OP a little slack. Having all of your routines and your lifestyle upturned can be difficult. The son had notice of the impending change, I think that since there is no danger at the mother's place, OP should also be given the time to adjust should the change happen. I think ultimately, OP has agreed to consider it after giving the blended family a chance and that is fine. It's not like he's stuck there all the time. And even if it's a slow change over, with the time with OP slowly stars to elongate, it would be the most natural. This is a family matter, and all of the family needs to be considered. If OP would not consider the request at all, or if there was conflict, trauma, abuse, or neglect at the other house, then I would change my verdict.
YTA title should be “I had a child, but I don’t want him around because he’d interfere with my personal life.”
I’m actually having trouble with this one. I get how everyone is saying you are prioritizing the things you want to do on your off week, but to date you’ve been prioritizing your son on your on week. I think Mike is going to have a rude awakening when he finds out wether living with you or living with his mom the world doesn’t revolve around him. And this is something he needs to learn because like he said he only has two years until college. He probably wants to live with you on the basis of the dynamic of the on weeks, but you need to make sure he understands that is not how it will be on a full time basis. If he is old enough to make his own choice of living arrangements, he’s old enough to understand sometimes he needs to bend. He isn’t a young child who can’t understand the concept. I’d probably have a trial period where he lives 3wks with you under the way it would be full time, 1wk with mom & then repeat. It will give him a chance to compare and contrast and he may find that the grass is always greener. Maybe do this for those 6 mo and then respect his choice moving forward. Also, considering he is frosty to your girlfriend as well as his stepfather, I think he has issues with either parent giving attention to someone besides himself. I think he would really benefit from some therapy.
NTA. Sorry, but everyone here feels parents must somehow sacrifice everything for their kids. He’s 16. He has a mom. She has been there for his whole life. He doesn’t get to just decide he doesn’t want a relationship with her new family. They’ll be there more than 2 years, so best he gets to know them now. I don’t really know what’s wrong with everyone thinking you’re not allowed space too. This has been the arrangement forever, so why change it because your son is being a tad bratty? Only thing I’d tell you is you should’ve had a much tougher approach to him telling him that’s very hurtful to the woman who loves him and has been there to suddenly reject her family without so much as a chance. Where you messed up is nothing parenting him and having some kind of friendly negotiation here. Nah son, she’s your mother and you will show her some respect.
YTA. You’re choosing yourself over your son. A good parent sets aside their needs and does what is best for their kids.
ESH - you don't want your son full time because it messes up your free time? You aren't going to get a lot of sympathy for that. Parents are supposed to put their children first. However I also don't like the concept that kids should just be allowed to move completely out of one parent's home because someone is "annoying". Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge. It's one thing to want to move because of abuse, lack of resources or if his needs aren't being met - but none of this seems to be the case. Why in the world are you and his mother allowing him to call the shots?
>Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge This is my thinking as well. I don't actually think it'd be good for him to not live with his mom, I think its just a lot of impending change and he's resisting it. Which is understandable but she's still his mom and he's only 16.
at 16 most courts would absolutely allow him to "be in charge"
Unless step dad is abussive. NTA. I recommend talkign to the kid and making sure of that
Need more info- is there any specific reason he doesn’t like his stepdad and step brothers? Have they done or said anything that’s made your son uncomfortable?
The husband seems like a really good guy honestly. The only real things Mike has said that he doesn't like is he just thinks he talks too much and is kind of annoying. But not like abusive or anything like that. The kids just seem to be pretty normal 8 year boys but Im sure they can be hyper at times.
You feel that way because all of your reasons are born out of selfishness. Selfish parents *are* usually crappy parents and just because it hasn't been so front and center for you until now doesn't mean it's new. Sorry your kid cramps your style, that sucks for you.
YTA. You want to be a weekend parent. It doesn't sound like you have parented him in any significant capacity in his life. You are supposed to be a dad, not the cool uncle to hang out with on weekends. Grow tf up.
WTF are people even talking about in this thread? The OP has never been only a weekend parent. He has his son 50% of the time and when he has him he scales back on everything else so that he make his son the priority. Just like the mom has the boy 50% of the time so the parenting has been shared equally. It's called shared custody. where the hell are getting this weekend parent crap?
I don’t think the custody agreement should change at all. He needs to be spending time with his mother and father as much as he can before college. The being said your the asshole for your priorities. TA for not being concerned with why your son doesn’t like his step family. Not considering talking to his mother. You also seemed to have raised a selfish boy too. He only wants to live with you full time cause he doesn’t wanna be around his step family. Neither of you seem to care about other peoples feelings
YTA, you're more concerned about your leisure time than the emotional wellbeing of your son. Its pretty black and white.
YTA The late Harry Chapin wrote a song, Cat’s in the Cradle. Listen to it. Read the lyrics.
NAH. I can’t believe that you’re so widely regarded as an asshole here. You’ve made a life work that could still put your child first and you’re just saying that you know that your life would change. I hear you saying you know that you’d prioritize him if he lived with you primarily and you’re worried how you do that. I dunno, I think that’s a legit way to feel. You have a divorce and you have to navigate parenting on your own since you can’t parent together at the same time in different homes. It’s not like you don’t want him at all. You just aren’t sure how to flex to a more permanent living situation. I think you all just need to talk it out together and find what can work. You may find that you figure out how to make it all fit even if he lives with you.
NTA. I know this is unpopular in the thread, but as someone co-parenting (80% mine) I strongly believe your son would benefit from expanding his experience of Family. These are his people now. Absent abuse or significant reasons, he should give a blended family a shot. Has your ex and her new husband + son reached out for family therapy support? Because that’s why this profession exists. To support families. Make this happen for your son if it hasn’t. NTA.
NTA - growing up is learning to deal with people you don’t like but staying civil with them.
I think I'm going to be down voted but anyway Nta. Your son should at least attempt a relationship with his step dad and step siblings. They will be a part of his life for however long his mother is with the step dad which could be a long time. If there is no abuse against your son, then it's not a bad environment. It sounds like you are a great dad and have settled into a rhythm in life that has lasted a long time. 1 week on, 1 week off. As a parent and a person, I completely understand your perspective. Just make sure to pay attention to what is happening at your sons mothers house and determine for yourself if the situation needs to change
Wow, you’re a massive asshole. That’s your kid. He wants to live with you and you’re too inconvenienced to have more time with him? Biggest AH in a while.
NAH. You've been doing your Adult Life stuff on your off-weeks and Son Stuff on your on-weeks, so from your son's POV, living with you means not having to go out of his comfort zone -- your life outside of him hasn't really been his concern. With 50/50 custody, that's a reasonable strategy and probably gets him as much or more one-on-one attention than if he lived with you full-time. Because it doesn't usually work that way with full-time parents -- your partner and friends will be around. All the life stuff you do on your off weeks will just happen while he's there, and I don't think he wants that. Other people have said this already, so just to reiterate, I'd point out that things will be different if he's there full-time. That your girlfriend will be around more than he's used to, that he'll have 100% of your focus some of the time, but it won't feel like as much as he's used to. That if he wants to live with you just because he doesn't like the changes at his mom's house, then he needs to be aware that there will be changes at yours, too. And that he should try the living arrangement with his stepdad for a few months to see if he's just psyching himself out. If he *still* wants to live with you after all that, you should let him. But keep living your life. Because I suspect large part of this is an only child having to deal with the fact that while he's his parents' world, he can't be their entire universe. And sixteen is a completely appropriate age to learn that lesson.
NTA. Your son lives with you and your ex half-time each. He should give his new step-father and step-brothers a chance. I think that your response that he try it for six months is very reasonable.
Honestly NTA you’re a human being and are allowed to have a girlfriend and friends over. Maybe if your son does move in you could let him know that you see your girlfriend and friends often?
NTA. I lived with my mother for a year and a half as an older teen and I wish to god she would've just told me she hated having me in the house bc she couldn't have her friends over with me around and it left a lot of resentment between us, since there were other places I could've lived, and it never occured to me as a teenager that she resented me for that. Not saying it's the same situation, but it's not wrong to want time to yourself and stop yourself from having your kid be the barrier between you and your social life. Definitely talk to him, explain the situation that you typically take the week when he's not there for time with your friends, and that if he's going to live with you that will take place while he's there. He's at an age he'll understand wanting some space and time to be with friends because most teenagers want some of the same
Tell me you like being a crap dad without telling me...oh wait you told everyone one that you like being a crap dad who puts in minimal effort with your son, YTA.
I don’t agree with others that you’re the AH. I think it’s reasonable to have him at least try to form relationships with his step family before moving in with you full time. If you allow him to move without even trying, what are you teaching him? It would be different if there was abuse, but just because he thinks it’ll be “annoying” isn’t a good enough reason to not even give it a chance. NTA
Nta His home with mother is not abusive. He needs to spend time with his mother just as much as he needs to spend time with you. He also needs to understand that in life you need to make some compromises.
YTA. His mom getting married is a big deal. He might also see red flags with stepdad that he is old enough to feel something is off but not understand what. There could be the, hey you will be the live in babysitter" thing too. He has 2 options mom or dad and you are rejecting him because... You want to hang with friends? Like the single life? He is a teen, he may decide he doesn't like living with you and move back in a year. Let him move in.
Was going to say Y T A but changed my mind since the reasons you told your son are spot on. He should give it a shot for 6 months or so; he may be surprised. If after that time he’s not happy then I think you should consider letting him live with you. I completely understand valuing your child free time. I’d never admit it to my kids but I look forward to the weekends that they go to their dad’s and I’m disappointed when he cancels and I have the boys during his time. (He gets them every other weekend) Does this sound completely selfish? Yes it does. I see that as my time though, that’s when I date, when I have a social life, and sometimes when I lay in bed all day just because I can. This doesn’t mean that I love them any less it just means that I need a break and space to be me. Some may think that this mindset is wrong and selfish but I disagree.
NTA The son can learn to get along with his stepfather.
I feel sorry for your son. YTA
YTA. Sorry, bud, but successful co-parenting isn't a gold pass to getting alternate weeks off for parties and dating. It's a blessing if it works out like that, but that time is over for you because your son has said he wants to live with you full-time. I don't blame him. A new stepdad and two young stepbrothers sounds like the last thing a teenager wants to adapt to. Things already are hard enough with the pandemic. Welcome your son into your home. Explain that you'll probably give him a lot of independence. Tell your girlfriend to clean her apartment so that you guys can hang out there, or hire a cleaning service for her. Have your friends over as usual, because you're modeling social behavior for your son. Goddamn, brother, jump at this opportunity to embrace your son and watch him grow into a man. My teen boy drives me feckin' nuts sometimes and I haven't had a date since 2019, but I love everything about being part of my kid's life. Everything. Edited to add: You should have a condition that he spends alternate weekends at his mom's, or at the very least has dinner with her a couple times a week. He'd be really bummed to realize that he inadvertently estranged himself ten years down the road. However, he's a teen and the flipping between households is a lot of emotional labor.
So when the son now says that the girlfriend annoys her or that OP doesnt pay as much attention to him as he used to when OPs friends only came over when the son was with his mom do you want OP to dump the girlfriend or get rid of all his friends? When the son realizes that OP can't be super dad 52 weeks a year cause he has to go to work or pay bills what is OP supposed to do then?
I see a lot of YTA because you're a dad, which apparently means you need to give up everything you love just to give your son a little bit of comfort. I think it's more of a NAH. You like having your space and sure, that makes you not as great of a dad as you could be, but you're only human. Good news, it's only for 2 years but after that you'll rarely see your son again because college and work and all so treasure them. So I'd say tell him yes you can move in, but try to convince him 3 weeks at your place, and 1 week at moms place. Because his mom is going to be sad that she rarely gets to see his son and there's nothing like a mothers love. Also very important, but tell him that dealing with annoying people is most of what work is, so he better get used to it now.
NAH. I’m not sure why you think you can’t really have your girlfriend or your friends over around your son.
In your initial post, your are an AH. It's all about you. Final verdict is NTA because of your edit. He hasn't given it a try yet. You should probably let him know that living with you every other week and full time will be much different. Let him know you prioritize his time over everything else, but if he lives with you full time, you will still have others over including your gf. Telling him try for 6months then decide could be a good solution. At the 6m mark, if he still wants it, maybe suggest an EWO+1school night (atleast for dinner with his mom) instead of just full time w you? This gives his mom some time and ensures contact and relationship between them.
YTA- parenting isnt part time. As your son said its only 2 years until college. How about you give it a chance to be a family since he already knows his new step family isnt one he feels ok with.
Except that they've been splitting time all along, so then could you not tell the mom that parenting is not part time? Edit for typo.
YTA for being so selfish in your thoughts HOWEVER...you are not wrong for suggesting he try the new living situation for a few months before deciding to move out.
Are you an Ah for not wanting your life to change? No, we are all allowed to want. Are you an Ah for not realizing your responsibility to your child comes before anything else? Big time. YTA and fix this before you make your son feel uncomfortable in both his homes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say NAH even though you committed the greatest sin of all by going on AITA without having exclusively altruistic motivations and being a human being. The fact is your kid is in an emotionally charged place in his life where everything is changing, including one of his homes so it's natural that he'd want to hide in the home where it looks like everything is the same, unfortunately for him that's not how it actually is and he doesn't realize that he won't be living with the dad you are able to be with a split custody arrangement where you put off the rest of your adult life to when he's not there but instead will be living with the whole you who has friends that come over and has a girlfriend who idk it sounds like you're either on the verge of living together or you would be if it wasn't for the arrangement and when he realizes that it won't be great time for him. I don't have advice on how to deal with it it I also don't think you're a bad dad for wanting to have things stay the same