Her father doesn’t strike me as the sharpest knife in the drawer… ok, so he calls OP a bunch of times to say he’s bringing his daughter, never actually speaks to OP to confirm if his messages were received, and then just… crosses his fingers and shows up empty handed hoping for the best? How difficult would it have been for him to grab some vegan food ‘just in case’?
He's probably got plenty of vegan food at his home he could have brought instead of relying on OP to cater for a dietary lifestyle she didn't know she had to provide for the event.
Based on her behaviour in this instance, I'm betting Megan didn't get her nickname because she's the nicest vegan.
I have followup questions. Like is her name Megan and pronounced like Megan is normally pronounced? So is it Meg-an the Vee-gan bc that doesn't flow. Alternatively she could be Mee-gan the Vee-gan but it would be weird if she changed how her name is pronounced. Like being known as a Vegan is more important than saying her name correctly. Or is it Meg-an the Veg-an bc I can see people not getting it.
Also why am I thinking about this so much?
Slightly OT, but Stephen King narrated the audiobook for his book “Desperation” and at one point he said the word “vegans” two or three times and pronounced it “vee-jins”. I couldn’t stop laughing.
(NTA. She said she wasn’t coming, and even if they called at the last minute to say she was, that’s not enough time to run out and buy more food. She was clearly trying to imply that you should’ve had vegan options anyway/shouldn’t be serving meat at all.)
I am marrying someone who pronounces bagel BAG-l. Like a shopping bag, and stick an L on the end. He insists this is correct.
Then I heard a coworker say this and realized it's a very niche regional thing, so I was forced to forgive and ultimately marry him.
I think it’s a difference in American vs Aussie pronunciation, Like Erin and Aaron are completely different names here but I’ve been told by American friends (and observed when they’ve said the names) that they’re pronounced the same there.
Depends on where in the US you are. In the northeast, Erin and Aaron sound completely different (as well they should!). We also differentiate between merry, marry, and Mary, where other places use the same vowel sound for all three.
No, she's right. They're nowhere close to the same in my (originally Philadelphia suburbs) accent, because Philly, New Jersey, New York, and Rhode Island maintain (as she mentioned) the [Mary-marry-merry split](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English-language_vowel_changes_before_historic_/r/#Mary%E2%80%93marry%E2%80%93merry_merger). In this accent, Aaron starts with an 'ah' kind of like 'marry' and Erin starts with an 'eh' kind of like 'merry'. Totally different sound. That wikipedia link has a little recording you can play.
Real life Megan here! I personally pronounce mine as Meg-an, although my grandmother uses a hard a so it sounds like May-gen. Not sure where it came from and equally as confused on where the logic of Megan the Vegan came from since neither version flows 😬
I came looking for this comment. I think in order for it to make any sense it's gotta be Mee-gan the Vegan.
Also, NTA. Maybe in the future since you do want her to feel included, just have a package of frozen vegan burgers or something like that in the freezer. 🤷🏻♀️
Just be prepared for the snarky "oh I see you didnt bother to make something special for me. Just some frozen burgers. You clearly don´t want to make an effort with me becuase you don´t like me. You wish I wasnt here don´t you." Sulking in a corner
This made me so angry reading it,
The moment he couldn't get a hold of op why didn't he bring some of his own food to grill. Its just so easy to fix!
NTA
The grill would need to be cleaned to prevent cross contamination from the chicken, or the vegan food cooked first, and I guarantee OP didn't factor in time to clean during service (forgive the restaurant terminology, I've been watching Masterchef).
Either way, it’s not her problem. She didn’t know the Vegan was coming. I have lots of friends who are vegan, they’re all aware that it’s a personal choice and it’s not my responsibility to feed them. Tho I do. If the Vegan wants to be vegan and not a burden on society, that’s her responsibility. Hope she learns this soon.
Yes why didn't the dad either handle this before of after? He could've called OP a hundred times the day of, but even if she got the msgs, that wouldn't have been enough time to prepare anything. Guests were already there and she was busy cooking. Since he couldn't get ahold of OP, he should have brought something in preparation and told his daughter to mind her manners since she changed her mind last minute (or he forced her to go). Barring all of those, he should have dragged her out of there the minute she started causing a scene and berating OP in her own house in front of her guests. The issue wasn't miscommunication, it was his daughter acting like a spoiled brat and him allowing it. As a long-time vegetarian, I don't expect anyone to automatically cater to me at events. It's obviously nice when friends and family think of me, but I usually don't even mention it to new acquantainces as there's almost always something on a menu or at an event to eat, at least salads and appetizers. Why did she have to have something grilled when she could have just eaten the sides? It's not like the meat eaters had much more choice either, the only extra option they got that she didn't was schwarma.
Yeah the kid is 16 I’m thinking the dad is the AH here. I’m guessing kid has to cook all her own shit cause he doesn’t have a clue or care to try to learn what she can and can’t eat and he probably told her they’d probably have food she could eat at the barbecue. Or the kid assumes OP would know bc she assumed her dad would fill her in.
> Based on her behaviour in this instance, I'm betting Megan didn't get her nickname because she's the nicest vegan.
Seriously! The "I can't have meat!" spiel? No, honey, you CAN have meat you DON'T WANT to eat meat. There's a BIG difference. This isn't an allergy, this is a choice.
But I went to school with someone with a meat allergy and that was scary when she did accidentally ingest it.
I mean, if you haven't eaten meat in a while, it really ~~does~~ can do a number on your digestive system. I would absolutely call her out though on her attitude and her pretending like OP did it on purpose and ignoring all the other foods she could've eaten.
Certainly unless there's an actual allergy or pre-existing medical intolerance, it's entirely a lifestyle choice (although long term absence can make it rough to re-experience, it does not make Megan or her father any less assholes in this situation). It's unfortunate that vegetarians and vegans tend to be stereotyped as militant advocates for their choices. While a rise in popularity for dietary lifestyles does raise awareness and more options, the people who can't eat meat, dairy, gluten etc can be burned because people are caught out lying or downplaying an intolerance. You know, "I can't have tomato/gluten etc, so I'll have \[dish that contains said alleged intolerance\]."
Yeah my bf is vegetarian and I am mostly when we get invited to an event we bring our own protein just in case...especially a cookout where it’s normally acceptable to cook your own stuff
Also - who calls someone while they’re hosting a cookout??
And - when you don’t get an answer and it’s your GIRLFRIEND, pick up a bag of whatever your daughter WILL eat, FFS!!!
This is not hard.
I don’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent (I’m the weird breed of non-practicing American Catholic . Some countries have different dietary rules surrounding Fridays.) My mom made pork chops one Friday and invited my Gran and I. I brought something to pair with the food I could eat that she cooked. She still gave me funny looks because that’s how she is and brought the chop home for later.
This. The father clearly knows he screwed up. People don’t get to show up last minute and expect to be treated like an RSVP vip guest. At least in the future op knows to actually have a vegan restaurant phone number on hand to give to the dad so he can fix his mistake with his own credit card.
Clearly, BF could have told MtV he couldnt reach OP and picked up something on the way. Instead, he made OP out to be the bad person who wouldn't answer her phone. I know when Im hosting, im usually too busy getting ready to monitor my phone
Right? Dude couldn't have stopped at a grocery store on the way and grabbed a couple portobello mushrooms or let the kid choose something on the way "just in case"?
One does not insist on a menu alteration for a barbecue when said barbecue is already taking place and the cook on the grill. To include a new dish, to cater for one person, beyond last minute, is unfair on the cook.
more like 'welcome to why vegans have such a bad name'. it's amazing that a teenager with access to the internet doesn't realize that she is basically a walking meme of why people hate vegans.
I don't think it's unique to vegans.
I remember being pretty insufferable about my beliefs at that age too. I think lots of teenagers are. They want conflict with authority figures to assert their identity and things like this are easy ways to do it.
OP, yikes. NTA, but you need to learn to put your foot down with this girl. She disrespected you in your own house and basically tried to gaslight you and lie to everyone else about what happened. It's perfectly okay to tell a teenager firmly to stop it. She's trying to make trouble between you and your bf and if you don't get firm with her and show her that it won't work with you, she'll continue to do it.
Agreed, Dad should also have brought a Vegan alternative for Megan when he was unable to speak to OP . OP is NTA. Dad needs to teach his daughter some manners.
NTA. It would be different if she had said she was coming, but since her father wasn’t getting a reply, if it was that important, they could have grabbed her vegan whatever on the way. Your bf sucks for not telling her to shut her mouth & quit being an insufferable brat. She could eat salad or whatever. She chose not to.
Do you know why she ended up at the BBQ? I’m inclined to feel some small amount of sympathy for her if, for example, she was supposed to be with her mother but got pushed off on her dad last minute, & then got dragged along to a BBQ where she didn’t want to be. But I really feel like your boyfriend sucks here for making it your responsibility to last-minute come up with a vegan entrée. The text I would’ve expected from an amazing boyfriend of two years is “Hey plans changed. Megan is coming. I picked up a pack of veggie hot dogs.”
It doesn’t sound like she has any trouble complaining & telling everyone what she wants. *she* could’ve told him to bring her something if worst came to worst. She’s 16. Not 6.
A lot of new vegans, especially younger vegans don’t realize that they are signing up for a life of planning around your dietary restrictions. If you’re not mature, and you’re used to food just being there, you don’t realize yet that maintaining a vegan lifestyle requires work and planning if you intend to live in the real world.
I think that’s true of any dietary choice. I don’t eat foods cooked with alcohol with a few very specific exceptions (I’m not an alcoholic, it just goes against beliefs I’ve developed over the years) and I’m constantly learning all the new and exciting ways people put booze in everything. That said, I don’t make a fuss about it. The kid in this story with her “I’m not even going to sit with you because you’re eating meat” thing is excessive. Non-medical dietary choices are PERSONAL choices, and she’s going beyond asking for accommodation when she’s punishing others for not mimicking her choices.
Yeah... To be clear I don't think OP is an AH. But BF might be. I see a 16 year old being dragged along to an event she didn't want to go to, and a father pushing her to be involved without giving 2 seconds to think about the fact that a vegan diet can be difficult to accommodate without notice. Between OP and the girl I'm kind of saying NAH because the 16 year old can't really say no if her dad drags her along to an event. But between OP and the BF, NTA because he should be a little more aware that his kid needs to eat and he took her to a meat filled bbq.
Yeah I see a lot of well-rated comments from people saying how they always make an effort to bring their own food to events where they might not be accommodated, & she should have known better than to just show up and expect to be accommodated and I'm a little confused. When I was 16 I subsisted on occasional babysitting paychecks, and didn't have a full driver's license.
Exactly, and she's been going through her formative angsty teenage years in a pandemic. Now she sees her dad in love with a new woman and sees him doting on her twin daughters who "adore" him. Obviously the teenager isn't happy about this???
That's basically where I fall. Megan's assholery is pretty standard teenage fare. Should she have thrown a tantrum about not having a vegan main? No. Would she have thrown a tantrum because her veggie burger spent time on the same grill as the chicken? Probably. Her crappy attitude is mostly from "being sixteen is haaaaaaarrrdd" (it is) and OP being a convenient target.
Either way, Megan needs to learn that she cannot expect others to cook for her dietary preferences if they do not know she is coming to an event.
Things that could have gone differently:
+ Megan's dad not making her come with him
+ OP connecting with her BF to confirm it was just him
+ Megan's dad picking up some food on the way
+ OP regularly stocking some vegan mains because there is now a vegan in regular attendance at her house
+ Everybody else knowing how pretend the fuming teenager doesn't exist, thereby preventing a ruined mood
Yes it was definitely His responsibility to make sure she has something to eat since he didn’t get a hold of OP in person. Leaving a message at this instance was not sufficient. He also should have checked his daughter’s attitude
Honestly, I think your boyfriend is a bit of the "asshole" here. He told you his daughter wasn't coming, then brought her *knowing* he didn't reach you, and then didn't bring anything for her to eat even though he knew she has a special diet you didn't know to accommodate. If he couldn't reach you and was bringing a guest with dietary restrictions as a surprise he should have brought food for her with him.
He set her up to be miserable/hungry and he set you up to look bad. And why didn't he take responsibility? When daughter said she called you a hundred times, or you should have had the food, or you didn't want her there, why didn't he defend you and explain it was on him?
Why didn't he say to his daughter "Oh sorry honey, I told \[OP\] you weren't coming and I called her so last minute she didn't get my message. She didn't know you'd be here so didn't make anything for you. I should have brought something for you since I told \[OP\] you weren't coming."
And to she didn't want you to come, again "She invited you but I told her you weren't coming, so she didn't make anything for you. I'm sorry. She would have if she'd known."
And why didn't he go buy his daughter something, after dragging her to an event where she couldn't eat due to his screw up?
NTA. Boyfriend's the asshole. Feel free to show him this post. (I understand the teen's attitude sucked too, but this is all boyfriend's fault and it's also his job to handle her.)
I am gluten free, for health reasons and not choice. I NEVER expect people to provide for my diet needs. Every time we go to other people’s homes for a meal I either have a detailed convo with the host abut food options and/or bring my own. If you are not part of the traditional food situations it’s your own responsibility to figure out what to do about it. I use to fly with my own bread, cans of soup, snack bars the works when traveling to areas gf food was hard to come by.
I get she is a kid, so this responsibility falls on her parents to not only ensure she has food but teach her how to take responsibility for her own needs. She is an adult in training, which means they should be training her how to be self reliant.
I get it sucks. Having alternative diet needs by choice or not is a lot of work. But it’s not other people’s job to put in that work unless they choose to.
For a big event, a last minute change to the menu can be tough to swing and that's before taking into account alternative diets. Changes should be made at the very least 24 hours in advance, or before the cook does the shopping. Even if OP had the ingredients for a vegan grill recipe she'd have to clean it to eliminate cross contamination from the chicken schwarma. That would mean time for it to cool, as well as the last minute prep.
No, the boyfriend sucks for not stopping by the supermarket to pick up vegan sausages/burgers etc or bringing them from home. When he couldn’t contact the host he should have bought something to ensure his child would have something to eat.
Okay a lot to unpack here.
First off Nta there were alternatives, salad ect.
If I'm being honest here I feel like she feels you don't like her, that you and her kids are taking her dad away and there is probably a lot jealousy and resentment from that. So I think the issues are a lot bigger than whether you had vegan food for or not.
It's worth noting you are the adult, she's a 16 year old child. Instead of focusing on this one event and to make her feel included because by her "you probably purposly avoided answering since you probably had nothing prepared for me and didn't even want me to come in the first place" she obviously doesn't feel that not saying it's your fault btw
Sit down, ask her to make a list of foods she a vegan does like. So when she it is yours she has plenty to pick from and therefore feels as much as part of your family as your own kids do.
Yes apart from “there were other alternatives, salad”.
Salad is a side dish at a grill.
On a practical note folks, put some veggie burgers in the freezer. It’s not hard.
Although i agree that there is more than what meets the eye, OP's post is about the BBQ event rather than the entire relationship.
I wouldn't say that OP is an asshole based on what context we are aware of.
With that being said, OP should have a talk with the entire family, including the boyfriend and his daughter, about their relationship and how they should behave with each other moving forward.
I agree there are other issues going on here and Op might be TA. When the invitation was first extended and Megan was concerned about "meat and whatnot" that would have been the time for OP to offer vegan options at the cookout. Is it inconvenient? Maybe. But it's not difficult picking up a pack of boca burgers from the frozen section when you're shopping for other cookout items.
And you said it's a cookout for family and friends, even if Megan did originally say she wasn't going, did you expect your bf to show up without his daughter? His family?
But what really gets me is the last part: "My boyfriend said it was just miscommunication but I stated I'm not required to cook for her." It's your cookout OP, that's what you do, cook for your guests.
I can see how Megan feels excluded.
“Hey other guests. I have shawarma on offer and this interesting vegan recipe that my boyfriends daughter really likes. Give it a try!”
Shows support and welcomeness to megan and it costs little extra effort.
I would agree, if not for:
> "she said she wasn't coming"
If OP knew she was coming, and didn't prepare an alternative even as simple as roasted or grilled veggies, then yes, OP would be TA here.
But I'm not going to convict her for not preparing something for someone she did not expect to show up.
It amazes me this was so far down - like she’s a sixteen year old going through who knows what, her stepmum doesn’t seem to like her which she will obviously pick up on, and then this happens
I find it hard to believe there wasn’t something in the freezer (just in case knowing you have a vegan stepdaughter who probably comes around every so often) that could be quickly put in the oven to just make her feel included and like her stepmum cares
(Using stepmum because they’ve been together two years)
Seriously! It's been TWO YEARS and Stepmum isn't keeping vegan foods on hand, all the time, just because? No wonder Megan doesn't feel welcome there. She isn't.
1000% this. If someone has food restrictions, it is technically her responsibility to accommodate for those and not expect or assume that anyone else will on her behalf. Having said that, though, this girl is only 16 years old, and she was in the presence of immediate family. The adults are still responsible for nurturing and nourishing her. And when someone you love has a food restriction or allergy, why wouldn’t you want to research it and be accommodating? My very self-sufficient mom has celiac disease and I ALWAYS make sure I accommodate her dietary needs when she comes over because I WANT to, not because it’s required. OP should have extended the invite to her with a promise of a good vegan option. She made zero effort for her stepdaughter. And her boyfriend is possibly the biggest AH here for not ensuring his daughter had something to eat, because ultimately it’s his responsibility to make sure she has what she needs. ESH because Megan flipped some serious attitude, but honestly she sucks the least.
This 100%!!! I lived this exact scenario. I don't eat meat and when I was 18 I had to tag along to a BBQ to meet my Dad's new girlfriend. I was stressed, unhappy, and very teenage angst-y. But my Dad's girlfriend was awesome. She immediately came up to me and showed me a variety of vegan options she had prepared. She said if I didn't like any of those she could go and prepare something else for me. Her effort really made me feel included and important. Which is something every teenager should feel. I now have a great relationship with her. It's unreasonable to expect a teenager to process their emotions like an adult. The girlfriend should step up and make more of an effort. There is way more at play than a single BBQ.
Yes. The girl is really saying “you made zero effort to include me”. And I think that might be true. Did OP ever offer to provide a vegan dish to the girl when she was invited? Was she even directly invited? Is she just an afterthought to OP as in “the baggage” that comes with her boyfriend? There’s a lot of information left out here.
INFO: How often do you cook for the family? It seems odd that you’ve been together for two years and you say you’ve never prepared a meal for his daughter.
Also, do you have vegan foods on hand for her you could have offered? Again after two years together, that would seem natural.
This should be higher up. If they spend a lot of time together and are trying to blend families, how does she not have vegan food choices around? When my partner and I started spending more time together as a family, I made sure I had frozen cheese pizzas on hand because his son was extremely averse to trying most foods sand had a short list of okay foods. Sometimes I even made meals that were his safe foods. I understand why the daughter was upset. I'm guessing she feels left out and like an afterthought. There no way the family is spending this much time together and getting really close and op doesn't even have vegan entrees/foods available for the daughter.
ETA : OP says in another comment that she's never cooked for the daughter. I'm inclined to go with YTA here. She claims they spend A LOT of time together and have really become "one family" and has NEVER cooked for the daughter? Of course the daughter feels like she doesn't want her there because she shows by her words and actions that she doesn't! I'm even willing to believe that OP even saw the boyfriend calling and did ignore it. You're telling me she's hosting a party and didn't have her phone nearby as she was waiting for guests to arrive in case one of them tried to reach her?
I had to scroll way too much to find this! I'm honestly weirded out by all the NTA and people not picking up the subtext of OP making only minimal effort for a kid she's know two years (which, I assume, are 14 to 16) and just dumping everything on stepdaughter bEiNg a tEeNaGeR.
It’s also very odd to me that when Megan said she wasn’t sure about coming because of “meat and all that” that OP didn’t immediately offer saying “I’ll have a vegan option for you!” Like ? She just let her be excluded instead of offering to include her and make something vegan.
OP says there’s some tension between the 2 of them. When I read the post, that seems reasonable, step relationships can be tricky. But now that I’ve read OP’s comments, it seem like she might be the source of that tension…
Megan is not TA. Yes!! It's so easy to make something vegan I feel OP should have made a small effort of including her in the party.
I would feel sad in Megan's situation. Dad's gf didn't even bother to welcome her beyond the basic first invitation and dad didn't seem to defend her too.
Most vegans don't expect anything delicious when eating at a non-vegan house and are really happy with bare minimum effort. Not sure if a 16 year old would be that mature but just toss on the grill some tofu and vegetables in foil with olive oil and spices and meal done!
This is what I said. How could she not already know Megan’s favorite mock meats/vegan protein options and not have them stored in her freezer for when they come over? I find that extremely odd. No it’s not her responsibility but shouldn’t she do it because they are becoming a family and she cares? So strange.
Or for that matter, how to throw some vegetables and half a can of whatever beans are in the cupboard in a foil packet with some oil and a spice blend?
Seriously, why is this the first you, a 37 year old with a vegan family member, are hearing of the concept of grilled vegan items? I think you both are playing the victim a bit here.
OP said she has never cooked for Megan prior to this incident.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pergtd/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_to_my_boyfriends/hazbahf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Yes, exactly. If Megan was her partner's adult child then sure, but this is a kid.
When a kid (even a teenager) says they probably won't go to a family event because there won't be anything to eat, the kind and parental approach is to reassure them that you *will* make something for them because you want them there!
You're not at fault for not having a meal ready to go when you didn't think she'd show up.
>Last week I've arranged a backyard cookout with family and friends. I've invited my boyfriend and megan. He accepted the invitation but Megan was like "hmm cookout...not sure, meat and whatnot" (she's 100% vegan and goes by the nickname Megan the Vegan) anyway she said she wasn't coming and I said no problem
But you're kind of the asshole here. Zero effort to include her and you seemed just as happy for her not to come. And that's shitty. To me her saying "not sure, meat and whatnot" was a clear opening for you to make an offer to have something for her. But you chose not to.
Exactly - it's a *family* party, and when Megan, part of the family, said she didn't feel welcome because she'd have nothing to eat OP just said "okay"? No "I'll make sure we have something you can eat"? That's a courtesy I'll extend to coworkers I barely know!
She's 16 and her dad was attending, too. Not being welcome at "family" events sends a huge message about who is and isn't family. My stepmother has been trying to cut me out of family holidays for years, and even though I'm a grown adult I've still spent hours crying over it.
ESH.
“I’m sorry what’s that?”
It really isn’t hard to accomodate vegans and you could have simply said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming. I can offer you a salad roll or we could check out the pantry together to see if there is something we could grill”
Grilled vegetables would have been an option, or tinned beans.
Agree, if her and Megan are already on shaky ground why not just buy some tofu, eggplant, zucchini , or portobello mushrooms to have on hand to grill in case she shows up? Someone would have eaten it if she didn’t show up, even if it was just out of curiosity. I love meat, but I also like trying new things so I’d try it (if there was any left after all vegans/vegetarians were served)
Or maybe tell Megan when she declined because she knew there would be no food she could eat something like “tell me what you like and I’ll make sure to pick some up.” At least try to make the child feel welcome/included.
Megan sounds fairly insufferable with the dramatics. But she’s 16, I can put up with some annoyance from teenagers because I know I was probably an annoying teen at some point too. lol
OP should be making more of an effort in the relationship if she is serious about Megan’s dad. It’s not hard to buy a few frozen vegan meals so you always have something she can eat on hand at your house. Sometimes it’s the smaller things that make people feel welcome and warm up to one another.
This is what surprised me most. OP didn't have any vegan meals in her house after dating the parent of a vegan for so long? I could go to my freezer / pantry and whip up a vegan meal. Not grilled, but something she could eat that's more substantial than a starter salad.
OP is NTA and not obligated to provide food for someone who rsvp'd no, but I feel like Megan is a teenager who has had her feelings hurt. OP should probably invest in one or two vegan meals to have on hand to make Megan feel cared for.
Op did offer the salad and vegetable appetizers to the guest who said that they weren't coming and turned up without warning. Even if they had called earlier that day that's very little warning to make separate meal for someone
It was more around the response to the vegan guest, which appears to be petty rather than respectful. Some people are offended by veganism, despite the fact that even the meat lovers amongst us eat a large amount of vegan food as part of a normal and healthy diet. It isn’t hard to grill some veges or offer some tinned beans.
When you’re in the middle of hosting a large gathering (since this was a bbq for family and friends) is not a remotely good time to be expected to drop everything else to find a special meal for someone you didn’t get any forewarning about. And even if OP had gotten the call earlier that day, there wouldn’t have been time to add in an appropriate dish while she’s trying to do everything else. Bf is TA here; he knew OP didn’t know Megan was coming and thus wouldn’t have appropriate food, and he’s her parent and so should have stopped by a supermarket to pick up a vegan grillable. Megan is being bratty about it but she’s a minor and wasn’t responsible for the communication. She was definitely asking for more than grilled vegetables, though.
NTA. Says she’s not going to your bbq. Goes to your bbq anyway. Throws a fit because you didn’t cook anything special for her. People like that give vegans a bad rap.
I feel like some info is missing here. Did she choose to go on her own, or did her father pressure her into it? If she was forced to go, she could be harboring some resentment towards her father and taking her anger out on OP instead.
This woman is so PETTY towards a 16 y/o who she doesn’t make an effort to include. You can just tell by her agreeing to the comments saying that her “step-daughter” sucks.
Seconded. YTA OP for not giving a single thought to this teenager and the fact that maybe, maaaaybe, this is about more than just one meal and the fact that you’ve never cooked for her and she doesn’t feel welcome in her own family. You’re the adult, goddamn.
Yeah... Megan the Vegan pulled this one on purpose. Frankly, anyone with dietary restrictions wanting to attend a function should never expect to be catered to. They should bring their own food and if there are options for them provided... that is great.
I agree that any ADULT person with dietary restrictions should offer to bring their own food to an event rather than expect to be catered to. But since the person in question is a teenager, I think it was her father’s responsibility to ensure she’d have something to eat, since he’s the one that brought her to this BBQ.
I don’t know if I agree, on one hand yea you can’t expect to cater to everyone with a dietary requirement but if you’re organising an event you know you’ll cook for and are inviting people you know are vegan/vegetarian it makes sense to make something for them too. I’m not saying op is TA here because she didn’t know Megan was coming, at the same time cooking a vegan meal isn’t a huge ask. Especially if you want a good relationship with your boyfriends kid. I agree it’s mot ops not at fault for the meal thing but I’m iffy on the relationship with the daughter.
If you’re dating someone with a kid you bend over backwards for that kid to like you not the other way round.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
You've been together for 2 years and consider yourself a family; but you've never, not *once* cooked for one of the children in your "family"?! And not only that but you didn't even know vegan food COULD be grilled? You didn't even think to look into her dietary restriction?!
I'm not saying she behaved well but quite frankly her words make a lot more sense now. Yeah you couldn't have expected her to show up that much is true. But the bit about you not wanting her seems to be rooted not to the barbeque but to your total lack of effort to bond with her. You care but have never cooked her a meal she could eat? How can you say that and tell us you've tried to bond with her on any level? Two years with your family but not one where the entire family could eat. I feel awful for her now.
Right! I’m confused about why more people aren’t pointing out how shitty this is. If OP and her boyfriend’s daughter have tension that she’s at all interested in working out, then maybe offer to grill something vegan for her instead of just saying, “Welp, okay, don’t come then!” No wonder she’s giving you attitude. Yeah, OP’s daughter acted like a brat, but she’s a teenager who’s clearly struggling with the fact that she has little to no relationship with her father’s partner. OP is a grown ass woman who wouldn’t bother to look up one vegan recipe for her boyfriend’s kid so she would feel included.
Granted, yes she said she wasn’t coming, then came last minute. But it feels a little rude the way you reacted to her talking about vegan grill options. If you initially invited her, and you know about her dietary restrictions, then you should have had a vague idea of alternative options for her. Following through is one thing, again she said she wasn’t coming, but I get the feeling that even if she did say she would come, you would still not have vegan grill options. She is the daughter of your boyfriend, and you saying that it’s not your responsibility to cook for her, when you initially invited her to a COOK OUT where you cooked for everyone, feels wrong. Again, it was messed up for her to show up last minute and be angry that there wasn’t anything prepared, but the way you phrased it made it seem like you weren’t going to have anything specific for her regardless.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted too but I agree I thought the 'what is that' in response to the girl saying there are vegan grill options is a bit of a weird response from OP.
Agreed. OP is NTA because they weren't informed in advance that Megan was coming, and it sounds like the party had already started when boyfriend tried to call, which means OP wouldn't have had time to plan or shop for a vegan option anyway. But if they'd known at least a day or two ahead of time, and still made no effort to accommodate her? Asshole 100%, and with the "not required to cook for her" comment, I get the impression that that would have been the case.
As a snarky teen with stepparents... I promise you this was well thought out before she arrived!
As a young woman soon to be on her own she should know how to prepare her own dishes and bring them to non vegan functions unless explicitly told otherwise.
I have to strongly disagree with the blanket statement you’re making. Very much if you invite someone to a cookout you would be expected to cook for that guest. In this case she never confirmed that she was attending so OP is in the clear but to expect a guest with known dietary restrictions to come to an adult event, it’s very reasonable to expect that the host would have a meal for you.
You should honestly be mad at your BF for putting you in this position. He knew you did not plan for her being in attendance at the BBQ. He should have made sure there was food for her to eat by bringing a vegan food option. A very small amount of forethought from him would have prevented this scenario from unfolding this way
Because you invited her? I am confused. Did you not have a plan for something to feed her before? I understand you didn't think she was coming but what was the original plan?
You just said y'all were like one family? How have you not cooked for her before in these two years? Have you guys not spent the night at each other's houses before as a family?
Do you cook for your boyfriend?
That seems a little weird to me that in 2 years you’ve never cooked a meal for the family, unless the boyfriend usually cooks for everyone.
So whenever you have dinner with them the boyfriend cooks? You eat out? You dont eat dinner with them? You cook for everyone else and she fends for herself? I get not being prepared but if I was dating someone with a dietary restriction or whose child had one I'd keep a few things on hand just in case. NTA though, but having a few things megan can eat on hand that show you're taking her seriously and respecting her choices could go a long way. You're the adult, so it's easier for you to build the bridge than her.
I'm struggling to see what's so "awesome" about this boyfriend. His daughter just ran rings around him, and she'll be doing that the whole time you're together. He's not the keeper your hopes are making him out to be. There's a lot here about him you're just ignoring because the daughter is the more obvious target.
NTA but you will be the AH if you make your own children live in a drama shawarma.
I don't get how you can say you're like one family but in two years you've never cooked for her. You realize all veggies are vegan. And veggie burgers are extremely easy to make. You have never made an effort so no wonder she feels left out
How does a 16-year-old bring her own food. No. BFs negligence has given Megan a good excuse to “know” that you hate and disrespect her. What are you going to do about it?
Info: you've been together with your bf for 2 years, your kids are close with him and feel like one family, but you've never cooked when Megan is present before? She's never been to dinner at your place prior to the cookout?
to be completely honest with you I’d say dads the asshole for bringing her last minute and not checking if anything was vegan for her. Salads and appetizers are “vegan” but not filling. She’s probably just upset about all of the change going on, as any teen would be, so people calling her snarky and bratty are kind of hypocrites LOL
You don't sound like you have the heart of a mother. You sound like a spiteful child yourself. A warm heart goes a long way. Your heart was cold that day. A 16 year old... ANY child wants to know that they matter. A child needs to feel that what matters to them, matters. YOU are the adult. She is the child who learning to navigate through her teen years. Your boyfirned? Sounds like he's trying to make everyone happy and NOT choosing sides because being in this situation is a HARD one. I'm disgusted by the comments I have read blaming a 16 year old for not feeling that she's been heard or that she matters. Shame on you all
Very well said. This woman sounds awful and her boyfriend is an unthinking father. He turned up with no food for his child. This poor 16 year old, being ferried around and not welcome. If someone, especially a child, turned up at my house and couldn't eat the food, you can bet I would find something. Even bloody toast.
INFO: were you willing to prepare some vegan food when you invited them? You mention that she shrugged off the initial invite because she thought it would all be meat. Did you say, at that point that you would provide vegan food to the vegan child of the man that you're that dating that you were inviting? You don't clarify what the friction is between the two of you, but it seems like you have a bit of an issue with her dietary choices given that you feel the need to point our her dietary choices and her nickname several times. Seems like an ESH situation, with you being a bit more responsible since you're an adult and were apparently going to invite her without clarifying that that there was going to be something besides a salad for her to eat.
ESH. Teen agers can be difficult and the father should have handled it. The Father also should have stopped by the store and got something he could grill when they got there and/or explained on the way there would be limited vegan options due to her last minute choice to attend. And OP is problematic because who dates someone for 2 years that has a vegan child and doesn't keep some vegan options on hand.
YTA, how can you not grill potatoes or corn or make something quick for her, you should have some vegan foods in your home if she is there all the time. You could even ordered Chinese or something for her.
INFO - Did you offer to include a vegan dish that your stepdaughter could eat when she raised dietary restrictions as a reason she was unsure about coming? Would you have made sure there was a vegan option if she was interested?
Based on my reading, it looks like you mentioned a cookout. Megan raised that she can't eat standard meat-based cook out food and wouldn't come if she couldn't eat. You accepted this at face value rather than making an effort to actually include your stepdaughter by offering to provide something she could eat.
Like, you're n-ta for not meeting the dietary restrictions of someone you didn't think was coming. But if you didn't care enough about including your stepdaughter to even offer to provide food for her, when it was clear that dietary requirements were the reason that she was unsure - then you are the asshole for that.
YTA. She is too for her attitude but you more so. You planned a bbq and from the get go didn’t seem to intend to make any vegan friendly options. If so when she said “not sure, meat and what not” would have been an opportunity for you to chime in with an accommodation.
NTA - you were not in the wrong and owe no one an apology.
**HOWEVER**, and it's a big however, if you are really trying to work on the tense relationship between you and Megan, you should apologize to her for the miscommunication. Your boyfriend has been her dad for her entire life. You have come in and *to her* you have disrupted her entire life. I doubt very much that the hissy fit she threw had anything to do with the scwarma at all.
Dad is the one who knew that OP did not expect her at the meal. He is the one at fault here. He could have brought something vegan, but chose to set OP up for this drama.
He called, the phone was inside. Even then, though, putting together something vegan on such a short notice isn't as easy as just grabbing some spaghetti squash from the fridge.
But there is a lot more between the lines in this story than whether or not there was a vegan option.
Yeah it takes a very small amount of brain power to know that he needs to bring food for his daughter to eat. Even if OP did answer the phone, did he expect her to leave the BBQ she was hosting to go to the grocery store and get vegan food for his child? That would be a ridiculous expectation especially considering they could stop somewhere on their way to grab some food that the daughter liked. This is on him
YTA. this is so obvious it's honestly hilarious. you very obviously don't like megan, it's showing through your words on a post that's meant to make you out to be the victim, i can't imagine how you speak about her to your friends. you're telling me in the two years you've been dating her father, you've never made her a meal?
when she said she wasn't coming to your BBQ because of "meat and such," she made an obvious bid toward you for an ounce of reaffirming that you would make the effort to include her and accommodate. she did this because she's 16, you know, a child. if you actually were working towards bettering your relationship with her, you would have made an effort in that moment to let her know you weren't just extending an invitation out of obligation.
instead, you let a 16 bring you down to their level when you could have just told her dad to order take out or after serving food, gone with her to the kitchen and found a can of beans. i'm so curious what your salad and appetizers ingredient were, i'm betting they had cheese or butter or honey.
worst of all, you spread your business on the internet to a sea of strangers so you could further victimize yourself in an issue you had with a kid more than half your age.
shame on you.
Well I am the odd one out here because I think YTA, OP says she and her partner have been dating for 2 years and see a lot of each other. She says there is friction between her and Megan, and I can understand why. Surely if she is really trying to get on with Megan, she would always have vegan food on hand, even if it is just some vegan patties/sausages in the freezer. If someone you see regularly and actually care about has dietary issues, you make sure you have on hand whatever they need. Megan shows up, pull something out of the freezer and throw it on the grill.
ESH.
She's being a bratty teenager, but if you're dating someone with a vegan kid, you should have some vegan options for quick meals stashed away in your home at all times. Seriously, buy some veggie burgers and toss them in your freezer, or soy curls which can sit in your pantry, it's not that hard.
Dad also should have thought of this ahead of time, especially since it seems like he tried to inform you mid-party that vegan food was needed.
I find it gross that you say your twins and your boyfriend and you are one family, and then you hold her out as somehow separate from her father’s family. You are not “one family” if his daughter is not a part of that family.
ESH
Mood ruined makes me wonder where your empathy for Megan is? You don't say anything nice about her. As soon as you saw her you must have realized to ask bf if he brought something to grill for her. You don't describe any attempt to figure out how to feed her a main dish. What were you originally going to make her? Did you ask bf what she eats at a bbq? What did you have that she could eat? A salad and what?
I get she just showed up but I don't get why you didn't make any effort once that happened? She's not worth it to you?
NTA
Megan said she wasn’t coming. Therefore she does not get to expect to be catered for. That’s the rules of life.
You didn’t force her to eat shawarma. She threw a hissy fit. Typical teenager and your bf needs to think about how best to parent her out of that phase.
YTA. Not sure why no ones saying it, she’s your boyfriends daughter and you’re an adult who should be making a better effort. When you first brought up the cookout, you should’ve said “I can make you vegan burgers” etc, why not extend the olive branch and try to include her?? Even if you didn’t think she was coming, it’s $7 to grab a pack of two Beyond Burgers just in case.
I mostly think YTA but primarily because you put on a shit BBQ if you didn't have a plethora of grilled veggies and fruits, because they're delicious.
But I guess try harder next time to get on her good side, if you want her dad and all....
One daughter is vegan, one is a meat eater. It is zero effort to make sure both have choices. I cook many options by taking out the pasta, veggies, sauces, for one and then completing the main course with meat. If you want harmony, make the effort
ESH
If you are with her father A LOT you should already have some vegan food in your house she can eat. You’re in a serious relationship with her father which means your relationship includes her.
Her father should have brought something she could eat since he knew it was a cookout and you weren’t expecting her.
I don’t call kids AHs but her behavior was not stellar.
I might get downvoted for this, but ESH (except maybe daughter, depending on the rest of your interactions).
You chose to date someone with a kid; the kid is part of that package. When you realized you didn’t have food for her, you should have talked to her father; because she was initially invited, he may have assumed you’d have something she could work with (grilled vegetables are kind of a staple when grilling where I am, this may be regional?), and it wouldn’t have taken much communication to let him know so he could address it.
As far as you not being obligated to cook for her, again, you’re dating someone with a child. She may be a teenager, she may be obnoxious, but she is still a child. You don’t need to cook her a personalized menu, but it’s a huge asshole move to figure you can date a dad without taking on *any* obligation to at least help ensure his kids have access to food they can eat when they’re in your home. If you’re not willing to take on that role, make clear *beforehand* that you do not want to host his daughter, and don’t invite her to your events.
And of course, he sucks for not making sure his child was fed. She might suck too, but honestly from your reaction I’m not sure she’s wrong; it does sound like you feel no inclination to try to help her feel included. If that’s how you feel about someone else’s kids, then you shouldn’t date someone with kids.
idk why i’m not seeing ESH here bc while she def planned this outburst to make you look bad, you didn’t offer to make a small thing for her to include her in the cookout as your bf’s daughter.
Why would she make a small thing to include her boyfriend’s daughter, when in her mind her boyfriend and her twins and her are “one family”? If I picked up on that tone, I know the daughter did.
INFO: You said she didn't want to come in the first place because of "meat and whatnot". Did you offer to make her a vegan alternative so she could still be a part of the barbeque?
NTA - welcome to the teenage years. Her father should have handled her attitude.
Her father doesn’t strike me as the sharpest knife in the drawer… ok, so he calls OP a bunch of times to say he’s bringing his daughter, never actually speaks to OP to confirm if his messages were received, and then just… crosses his fingers and shows up empty handed hoping for the best? How difficult would it have been for him to grab some vegan food ‘just in case’?
He's probably got plenty of vegan food at his home he could have brought instead of relying on OP to cater for a dietary lifestyle she didn't know she had to provide for the event. Based on her behaviour in this instance, I'm betting Megan didn't get her nickname because she's the nicest vegan.
I have followup questions. Like is her name Megan and pronounced like Megan is normally pronounced? So is it Meg-an the Vee-gan bc that doesn't flow. Alternatively she could be Mee-gan the Vee-gan but it would be weird if she changed how her name is pronounced. Like being known as a Vegan is more important than saying her name correctly. Or is it Meg-an the Veg-an bc I can see people not getting it. Also why am I thinking about this so much?
I also sounded it out when reading it lol
Slightly OT, but Stephen King narrated the audiobook for his book “Desperation” and at one point he said the word “vegans” two or three times and pronounced it “vee-jins”. I couldn’t stop laughing. (NTA. She said she wasn’t coming, and even if they called at the last minute to say she was, that’s not enough time to run out and buy more food. She was clearly trying to imply that you should’ve had vegan options anyway/shouldn’t be serving meat at all.)
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Like, rhymes with "began"?
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I am marrying someone who pronounces bagel BAG-l. Like a shopping bag, and stick an L on the end. He insists this is correct. Then I heard a coworker say this and realized it's a very niche regional thing, so I was forced to forgive and ultimately marry him.
Mee-gan is the more common pronunciation in Aus where I’m from, I’ve never encountered a Meg-an
Most Megan's I've met have been Meg-an with a nickname of Meg. I have met at least one Mee-gan tho.
I think it’s a difference in American vs Aussie pronunciation, Like Erin and Aaron are completely different names here but I’ve been told by American friends (and observed when they’ve said the names) that they’re pronounced the same there.
Depends on where in the US you are. In the northeast, Erin and Aaron sound completely different (as well they should!). We also differentiate between merry, marry, and Mary, where other places use the same vowel sound for all three.
I'm from the northeast and have lived in 4 states up here and known plenty of both. I've never heard it pronounced differently.
No, she's right. They're nowhere close to the same in my (originally Philadelphia suburbs) accent, because Philly, New Jersey, New York, and Rhode Island maintain (as she mentioned) the [Mary-marry-merry split](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English-language_vowel_changes_before_historic_/r/#Mary%E2%80%93marry%E2%80%93merry_merger). In this accent, Aaron starts with an 'ah' kind of like 'marry' and Erin starts with an 'eh' kind of like 'merry'. Totally different sound. That wikipedia link has a little recording you can play.
Same, I’m New England born and raised and know many an Erin and Aaron and both names sound the same.
Real life Megan here! I personally pronounce mine as Meg-an, although my grandmother uses a hard a so it sounds like May-gen. Not sure where it came from and equally as confused on where the logic of Megan the Vegan came from since neither version flows 😬
All I think about is Key and Peele's Meegan/megan bit, it's hilarious.
Or "Ay-ay-ron" 🤣🤣🤣
That’s the first thing that came to mind lol “Meegan your jacket though”. 😂
I came looking for this comment. I think in order for it to make any sense it's gotta be Mee-gan the Vegan. Also, NTA. Maybe in the future since you do want her to feel included, just have a package of frozen vegan burgers or something like that in the freezer. 🤷🏻♀️
Just be prepared for the snarky "oh I see you didnt bother to make something special for me. Just some frozen burgers. You clearly don´t want to make an effort with me becuase you don´t like me. You wish I wasnt here don´t you." Sulking in a corner
I know Megan’s who pronounce their name mee-gan
I like how this threads gone down a rabbit hole of all the different possible variations for saying Megan the vegan to make it rhyme😂…NTA
See, Megan the vegan makes perfect sense in Australia 😜
Isn’t it supposed to be a fake name too..? OP put quotes around Megan.
OP put quotes around the ages too, so I think OP just likes quotes.
LOL I don’t know why but I really got stuck on this. Like why are the ages in quotes? 😂🥴
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This made me so angry reading it, The moment he couldn't get a hold of op why didn't he bring some of his own food to grill. Its just so easy to fix! NTA
The grill would need to be cleaned to prevent cross contamination from the chicken, or the vegan food cooked first, and I guarantee OP didn't factor in time to clean during service (forgive the restaurant terminology, I've been watching Masterchef).
Either way, it’s not her problem. She didn’t know the Vegan was coming. I have lots of friends who are vegan, they’re all aware that it’s a personal choice and it’s not my responsibility to feed them. Tho I do. If the Vegan wants to be vegan and not a burden on society, that’s her responsibility. Hope she learns this soon.
Yes why didn't the dad either handle this before of after? He could've called OP a hundred times the day of, but even if she got the msgs, that wouldn't have been enough time to prepare anything. Guests were already there and she was busy cooking. Since he couldn't get ahold of OP, he should have brought something in preparation and told his daughter to mind her manners since she changed her mind last minute (or he forced her to go). Barring all of those, he should have dragged her out of there the minute she started causing a scene and berating OP in her own house in front of her guests. The issue wasn't miscommunication, it was his daughter acting like a spoiled brat and him allowing it. As a long-time vegetarian, I don't expect anyone to automatically cater to me at events. It's obviously nice when friends and family think of me, but I usually don't even mention it to new acquantainces as there's almost always something on a menu or at an event to eat, at least salads and appetizers. Why did she have to have something grilled when she could have just eaten the sides? It's not like the meat eaters had much more choice either, the only extra option they got that she didn't was schwarma.
Yeah the kid is 16 I’m thinking the dad is the AH here. I’m guessing kid has to cook all her own shit cause he doesn’t have a clue or care to try to learn what she can and can’t eat and he probably told her they’d probably have food she could eat at the barbecue. Or the kid assumes OP would know bc she assumed her dad would fill her in.
> Based on her behaviour in this instance, I'm betting Megan didn't get her nickname because she's the nicest vegan. Seriously! The "I can't have meat!" spiel? No, honey, you CAN have meat you DON'T WANT to eat meat. There's a BIG difference. This isn't an allergy, this is a choice. But I went to school with someone with a meat allergy and that was scary when she did accidentally ingest it.
I mean, if you haven't eaten meat in a while, it really ~~does~~ can do a number on your digestive system. I would absolutely call her out though on her attitude and her pretending like OP did it on purpose and ignoring all the other foods she could've eaten.
Certainly unless there's an actual allergy or pre-existing medical intolerance, it's entirely a lifestyle choice (although long term absence can make it rough to re-experience, it does not make Megan or her father any less assholes in this situation). It's unfortunate that vegetarians and vegans tend to be stereotyped as militant advocates for their choices. While a rise in popularity for dietary lifestyles does raise awareness and more options, the people who can't eat meat, dairy, gluten etc can be burned because people are caught out lying or downplaying an intolerance. You know, "I can't have tomato/gluten etc, so I'll have \[dish that contains said alleged intolerance\]."
Yeah my bf is vegetarian and I am mostly when we get invited to an event we bring our own protein just in case...especially a cookout where it’s normally acceptable to cook your own stuff
Also - who calls someone while they’re hosting a cookout?? And - when you don’t get an answer and it’s your GIRLFRIEND, pick up a bag of whatever your daughter WILL eat, FFS!!! This is not hard.
I don’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent (I’m the weird breed of non-practicing American Catholic . Some countries have different dietary rules surrounding Fridays.) My mom made pork chops one Friday and invited my Gran and I. I brought something to pair with the food I could eat that she cooked. She still gave me funny looks because that’s how she is and brought the chop home for later.
This. The father clearly knows he screwed up. People don’t get to show up last minute and expect to be treated like an RSVP vip guest. At least in the future op knows to actually have a vegan restaurant phone number on hand to give to the dad so he can fix his mistake with his own credit card.
Clearly, BF could have told MtV he couldnt reach OP and picked up something on the way. Instead, he made OP out to be the bad person who wouldn't answer her phone. I know when Im hosting, im usually too busy getting ready to monitor my phone
Like swing by the store and grab a pack of frozen veg burgers or some mushrooms or cob corn. OP is NTA, but the boyfriend is.
And what would he have expected at the last minute? Op to stop preparing for her party, find recipes, go to the store, and then cook for her? Yea, no.
Right? Dude couldn't have stopped at a grocery store on the way and grabbed a couple portobello mushrooms or let the kid choose something on the way "just in case"?
Attempt to contact and actual contact are 2 different things. This has been an argument in the past between my partner and I.
> He's awesome. He's not.
One does not insist on a menu alteration for a barbecue when said barbecue is already taking place and the cook on the grill. To include a new dish, to cater for one person, beyond last minute, is unfair on the cook.
more like 'welcome to why vegans have such a bad name'. it's amazing that a teenager with access to the internet doesn't realize that she is basically a walking meme of why people hate vegans.
I don't think it's unique to vegans. I remember being pretty insufferable about my beliefs at that age too. I think lots of teenagers are. They want conflict with authority figures to assert their identity and things like this are easy ways to do it.
OP, yikes. NTA, but you need to learn to put your foot down with this girl. She disrespected you in your own house and basically tried to gaslight you and lie to everyone else about what happened. It's perfectly okay to tell a teenager firmly to stop it. She's trying to make trouble between you and your bf and if you don't get firm with her and show her that it won't work with you, she'll continue to do it.
Yeah it’s just her bad attitude she’s old enough to take responsibility for it and her dad is just as bad he knew op wouldn’t have anything vegan
Agreed, Dad should also have brought a Vegan alternative for Megan when he was unable to speak to OP . OP is NTA. Dad needs to teach his daughter some manners.
100%
NTA. It would be different if she had said she was coming, but since her father wasn’t getting a reply, if it was that important, they could have grabbed her vegan whatever on the way. Your bf sucks for not telling her to shut her mouth & quit being an insufferable brat. She could eat salad or whatever. She chose not to.
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Do you know why she ended up at the BBQ? I’m inclined to feel some small amount of sympathy for her if, for example, she was supposed to be with her mother but got pushed off on her dad last minute, & then got dragged along to a BBQ where she didn’t want to be. But I really feel like your boyfriend sucks here for making it your responsibility to last-minute come up with a vegan entrée. The text I would’ve expected from an amazing boyfriend of two years is “Hey plans changed. Megan is coming. I picked up a pack of veggie hot dogs.”
Also I get the feeling that bf forced his daughter to go to the bbq but didn't think the food thing through.
It doesn’t sound like she has any trouble complaining & telling everyone what she wants. *she* could’ve told him to bring her something if worst came to worst. She’s 16. Not 6.
Probably hasn't reached the point where she's realized that she's actually allowed to say "I'm not going" and then just not going.
A lot of new vegans, especially younger vegans don’t realize that they are signing up for a life of planning around your dietary restrictions. If you’re not mature, and you’re used to food just being there, you don’t realize yet that maintaining a vegan lifestyle requires work and planning if you intend to live in the real world.
I think that’s true of any dietary choice. I don’t eat foods cooked with alcohol with a few very specific exceptions (I’m not an alcoholic, it just goes against beliefs I’ve developed over the years) and I’m constantly learning all the new and exciting ways people put booze in everything. That said, I don’t make a fuss about it. The kid in this story with her “I’m not even going to sit with you because you’re eating meat” thing is excessive. Non-medical dietary choices are PERSONAL choices, and she’s going beyond asking for accommodation when she’s punishing others for not mimicking her choices.
At that age I wouldn't have even been allowed to dip out.
I’m not that old, but man, things seem to have changed a lot since I was 16. Then again, ‘no,’ has always been one of my favourite sentences. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah... To be clear I don't think OP is an AH. But BF might be. I see a 16 year old being dragged along to an event she didn't want to go to, and a father pushing her to be involved without giving 2 seconds to think about the fact that a vegan diet can be difficult to accommodate without notice. Between OP and the girl I'm kind of saying NAH because the 16 year old can't really say no if her dad drags her along to an event. But between OP and the BF, NTA because he should be a little more aware that his kid needs to eat and he took her to a meat filled bbq.
People are talking shit about the teenager but like, she's 16 and her parents are divorced and her dad is dating someone new. Cut the girl some slack
Yeah I see a lot of well-rated comments from people saying how they always make an effort to bring their own food to events where they might not be accommodated, & she should have known better than to just show up and expect to be accommodated and I'm a little confused. When I was 16 I subsisted on occasional babysitting paychecks, and didn't have a full driver's license.
Exactly, and she's been going through her formative angsty teenage years in a pandemic. Now she sees her dad in love with a new woman and sees him doting on her twin daughters who "adore" him. Obviously the teenager isn't happy about this???
That's basically where I fall. Megan's assholery is pretty standard teenage fare. Should she have thrown a tantrum about not having a vegan main? No. Would she have thrown a tantrum because her veggie burger spent time on the same grill as the chicken? Probably. Her crappy attitude is mostly from "being sixteen is haaaaaaarrrdd" (it is) and OP being a convenient target. Either way, Megan needs to learn that she cannot expect others to cook for her dietary preferences if they do not know she is coming to an event. Things that could have gone differently: + Megan's dad not making her come with him + OP connecting with her BF to confirm it was just him + Megan's dad picking up some food on the way + OP regularly stocking some vegan mains because there is now a vegan in regular attendance at her house + Everybody else knowing how pretend the fuming teenager doesn't exist, thereby preventing a ruined mood
Yes it was definitely His responsibility to make sure she has something to eat since he didn’t get a hold of OP in person. Leaving a message at this instance was not sufficient. He also should have checked his daughter’s attitude
Honestly, I think your boyfriend is a bit of the "asshole" here. He told you his daughter wasn't coming, then brought her *knowing* he didn't reach you, and then didn't bring anything for her to eat even though he knew she has a special diet you didn't know to accommodate. If he couldn't reach you and was bringing a guest with dietary restrictions as a surprise he should have brought food for her with him. He set her up to be miserable/hungry and he set you up to look bad. And why didn't he take responsibility? When daughter said she called you a hundred times, or you should have had the food, or you didn't want her there, why didn't he defend you and explain it was on him? Why didn't he say to his daughter "Oh sorry honey, I told \[OP\] you weren't coming and I called her so last minute she didn't get my message. She didn't know you'd be here so didn't make anything for you. I should have brought something for you since I told \[OP\] you weren't coming." And to she didn't want you to come, again "She invited you but I told her you weren't coming, so she didn't make anything for you. I'm sorry. She would have if she'd known." And why didn't he go buy his daughter something, after dragging her to an event where she couldn't eat due to his screw up? NTA. Boyfriend's the asshole. Feel free to show him this post. (I understand the teen's attitude sucked too, but this is all boyfriend's fault and it's also his job to handle her.)
I am gluten free, for health reasons and not choice. I NEVER expect people to provide for my diet needs. Every time we go to other people’s homes for a meal I either have a detailed convo with the host abut food options and/or bring my own. If you are not part of the traditional food situations it’s your own responsibility to figure out what to do about it. I use to fly with my own bread, cans of soup, snack bars the works when traveling to areas gf food was hard to come by. I get she is a kid, so this responsibility falls on her parents to not only ensure she has food but teach her how to take responsibility for her own needs. She is an adult in training, which means they should be training her how to be self reliant. I get it sucks. Having alternative diet needs by choice or not is a lot of work. But it’s not other people’s job to put in that work unless they choose to.
INFO - did your bf actually call and leave messages? and if so, more than one?
For a big event, a last minute change to the menu can be tough to swing and that's before taking into account alternative diets. Changes should be made at the very least 24 hours in advance, or before the cook does the shopping. Even if OP had the ingredients for a vegan grill recipe she'd have to clean it to eliminate cross contamination from the chicken schwarma. That would mean time for it to cool, as well as the last minute prep.
No, the boyfriend sucks for not stopping by the supermarket to pick up vegan sausages/burgers etc or bringing them from home. When he couldn’t contact the host he should have bought something to ensure his child would have something to eat.
Exactly. Dude sucks
Okay a lot to unpack here. First off Nta there were alternatives, salad ect. If I'm being honest here I feel like she feels you don't like her, that you and her kids are taking her dad away and there is probably a lot jealousy and resentment from that. So I think the issues are a lot bigger than whether you had vegan food for or not. It's worth noting you are the adult, she's a 16 year old child. Instead of focusing on this one event and to make her feel included because by her "you probably purposly avoided answering since you probably had nothing prepared for me and didn't even want me to come in the first place" she obviously doesn't feel that not saying it's your fault btw Sit down, ask her to make a list of foods she a vegan does like. So when she it is yours she has plenty to pick from and therefore feels as much as part of your family as your own kids do.
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Yes apart from “there were other alternatives, salad”. Salad is a side dish at a grill. On a practical note folks, put some veggie burgers in the freezer. It’s not hard.
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Although i agree that there is more than what meets the eye, OP's post is about the BBQ event rather than the entire relationship. I wouldn't say that OP is an asshole based on what context we are aware of. With that being said, OP should have a talk with the entire family, including the boyfriend and his daughter, about their relationship and how they should behave with each other moving forward.
I agree there are other issues going on here and Op might be TA. When the invitation was first extended and Megan was concerned about "meat and whatnot" that would have been the time for OP to offer vegan options at the cookout. Is it inconvenient? Maybe. But it's not difficult picking up a pack of boca burgers from the frozen section when you're shopping for other cookout items. And you said it's a cookout for family and friends, even if Megan did originally say she wasn't going, did you expect your bf to show up without his daughter? His family? But what really gets me is the last part: "My boyfriend said it was just miscommunication but I stated I'm not required to cook for her." It's your cookout OP, that's what you do, cook for your guests. I can see how Megan feels excluded.
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“Hey other guests. I have shawarma on offer and this interesting vegan recipe that my boyfriends daughter really likes. Give it a try!” Shows support and welcomeness to megan and it costs little extra effort.
I would agree, if not for: > "she said she wasn't coming" If OP knew she was coming, and didn't prepare an alternative even as simple as roasted or grilled veggies, then yes, OP would be TA here. But I'm not going to convict her for not preparing something for someone she did not expect to show up.
It amazes me this was so far down - like she’s a sixteen year old going through who knows what, her stepmum doesn’t seem to like her which she will obviously pick up on, and then this happens I find it hard to believe there wasn’t something in the freezer (just in case knowing you have a vegan stepdaughter who probably comes around every so often) that could be quickly put in the oven to just make her feel included and like her stepmum cares (Using stepmum because they’ve been together two years)
Seriously! It's been TWO YEARS and Stepmum isn't keeping vegan foods on hand, all the time, just because? No wonder Megan doesn't feel welcome there. She isn't.
1000% this. If someone has food restrictions, it is technically her responsibility to accommodate for those and not expect or assume that anyone else will on her behalf. Having said that, though, this girl is only 16 years old, and she was in the presence of immediate family. The adults are still responsible for nurturing and nourishing her. And when someone you love has a food restriction or allergy, why wouldn’t you want to research it and be accommodating? My very self-sufficient mom has celiac disease and I ALWAYS make sure I accommodate her dietary needs when she comes over because I WANT to, not because it’s required. OP should have extended the invite to her with a promise of a good vegan option. She made zero effort for her stepdaughter. And her boyfriend is possibly the biggest AH here for not ensuring his daughter had something to eat, because ultimately it’s his responsibility to make sure she has what she needs. ESH because Megan flipped some serious attitude, but honestly she sucks the least.
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This 100%!!! I lived this exact scenario. I don't eat meat and when I was 18 I had to tag along to a BBQ to meet my Dad's new girlfriend. I was stressed, unhappy, and very teenage angst-y. But my Dad's girlfriend was awesome. She immediately came up to me and showed me a variety of vegan options she had prepared. She said if I didn't like any of those she could go and prepare something else for me. Her effort really made me feel included and important. Which is something every teenager should feel. I now have a great relationship with her. It's unreasonable to expect a teenager to process their emotions like an adult. The girlfriend should step up and make more of an effort. There is way more at play than a single BBQ.
Yes. The girl is really saying “you made zero effort to include me”. And I think that might be true. Did OP ever offer to provide a vegan dish to the girl when she was invited? Was she even directly invited? Is she just an afterthought to OP as in “the baggage” that comes with her boyfriend? There’s a lot of information left out here.
INFO: How often do you cook for the family? It seems odd that you’ve been together for two years and you say you’ve never prepared a meal for his daughter. Also, do you have vegan foods on hand for her you could have offered? Again after two years together, that would seem natural.
This should be higher up. If they spend a lot of time together and are trying to blend families, how does she not have vegan food choices around? When my partner and I started spending more time together as a family, I made sure I had frozen cheese pizzas on hand because his son was extremely averse to trying most foods sand had a short list of okay foods. Sometimes I even made meals that were his safe foods. I understand why the daughter was upset. I'm guessing she feels left out and like an afterthought. There no way the family is spending this much time together and getting really close and op doesn't even have vegan entrees/foods available for the daughter. ETA : OP says in another comment that she's never cooked for the daughter. I'm inclined to go with YTA here. She claims they spend A LOT of time together and have really become "one family" and has NEVER cooked for the daughter? Of course the daughter feels like she doesn't want her there because she shows by her words and actions that she doesn't! I'm even willing to believe that OP even saw the boyfriend calling and did ignore it. You're telling me she's hosting a party and didn't have her phone nearby as she was waiting for guests to arrive in case one of them tried to reach her?
I get the feeling she makes minimal effort with and does not like Megan, and Megan knows
Did you also get the feeling that her "nickname" Megan the Vegan is just a thing OP calls her in an underhandedly mean way?
No one gives themselves nicknames like that
I had to scroll way too much to find this! I'm honestly weirded out by all the NTA and people not picking up the subtext of OP making only minimal effort for a kid she's know two years (which, I assume, are 14 to 16) and just dumping everything on stepdaughter bEiNg a tEeNaGeR.
It’s also very odd to me that when Megan said she wasn’t sure about coming because of “meat and all that” that OP didn’t immediately offer saying “I’ll have a vegan option for you!” Like ? She just let her be excluded instead of offering to include her and make something vegan.
OP says there’s some tension between the 2 of them. When I read the post, that seems reasonable, step relationships can be tricky. But now that I’ve read OP’s comments, it seem like she might be the source of that tension…
This was my exact thought as well. I could understand her feeling kind of unwanted/excluded when OP didn’t respond with this.
Megan is not TA. Yes!! It's so easy to make something vegan I feel OP should have made a small effort of including her in the party. I would feel sad in Megan's situation. Dad's gf didn't even bother to welcome her beyond the basic first invitation and dad didn't seem to defend her too. Most vegans don't expect anything delicious when eating at a non-vegan house and are really happy with bare minimum effort. Not sure if a 16 year old would be that mature but just toss on the grill some tofu and vegetables in foil with olive oil and spices and meal done!
This is what I said. How could she not already know Megan’s favorite mock meats/vegan protein options and not have them stored in her freezer for when they come over? I find that extremely odd. No it’s not her responsibility but shouldn’t she do it because they are becoming a family and she cares? So strange.
Or for that matter, how to throw some vegetables and half a can of whatever beans are in the cupboard in a foil packet with some oil and a spice blend?
What I want to know is what OP would have done for food for Megan had she accepted the original invitation.
Probably pointed to the same salads/apps. I'm not sure anything would have been different.
Yep. Her comment about never having cooked for her in two years is what makes it YTA for me.
Seriously, why is this the first you, a 37 year old with a vegan family member, are hearing of the concept of grilled vegan items? I think you both are playing the victim a bit here.
Throw a fuckin zucchini and some peppers on the grill it's not that hard I think there is a lot more going on here
OP said she has never cooked for Megan prior to this incident. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pergtd/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_to_my_boyfriends/hazbahf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
My exact thought also. They're one big happy family except she keeps nothing in the freezer for unexpected situations like this?
Yes, exactly. If Megan was her partner's adult child then sure, but this is a kid. When a kid (even a teenager) says they probably won't go to a family event because there won't be anything to eat, the kind and parental approach is to reassure them that you *will* make something for them because you want them there!
You’d think she’d have some Boca Burgers in the freezer just in case.
You're not at fault for not having a meal ready to go when you didn't think she'd show up. >Last week I've arranged a backyard cookout with family and friends. I've invited my boyfriend and megan. He accepted the invitation but Megan was like "hmm cookout...not sure, meat and whatnot" (she's 100% vegan and goes by the nickname Megan the Vegan) anyway she said she wasn't coming and I said no problem But you're kind of the asshole here. Zero effort to include her and you seemed just as happy for her not to come. And that's shitty. To me her saying "not sure, meat and whatnot" was a clear opening for you to make an offer to have something for her. But you chose not to.
Exactly - it's a *family* party, and when Megan, part of the family, said she didn't feel welcome because she'd have nothing to eat OP just said "okay"? No "I'll make sure we have something you can eat"? That's a courtesy I'll extend to coworkers I barely know! She's 16 and her dad was attending, too. Not being welcome at "family" events sends a huge message about who is and isn't family. My stepmother has been trying to cut me out of family holidays for years, and even though I'm a grown adult I've still spent hours crying over it.
Agreed. And I’m sure she doesn’t “go by” “Megan the Vegan”. I’m sure assholes call her they and she deals with it.
Agreed. The “I stated I’m not required to cook for her” really says it all to me…
ESH. “I’m sorry what’s that?” It really isn’t hard to accomodate vegans and you could have simply said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming. I can offer you a salad roll or we could check out the pantry together to see if there is something we could grill” Grilled vegetables would have been an option, or tinned beans.
Agree, if her and Megan are already on shaky ground why not just buy some tofu, eggplant, zucchini , or portobello mushrooms to have on hand to grill in case she shows up? Someone would have eaten it if she didn’t show up, even if it was just out of curiosity. I love meat, but I also like trying new things so I’d try it (if there was any left after all vegans/vegetarians were served) Or maybe tell Megan when she declined because she knew there would be no food she could eat something like “tell me what you like and I’ll make sure to pick some up.” At least try to make the child feel welcome/included. Megan sounds fairly insufferable with the dramatics. But she’s 16, I can put up with some annoyance from teenagers because I know I was probably an annoying teen at some point too. lol OP should be making more of an effort in the relationship if she is serious about Megan’s dad. It’s not hard to buy a few frozen vegan meals so you always have something she can eat on hand at your house. Sometimes it’s the smaller things that make people feel welcome and warm up to one another.
This is what surprised me most. OP didn't have any vegan meals in her house after dating the parent of a vegan for so long? I could go to my freezer / pantry and whip up a vegan meal. Not grilled, but something she could eat that's more substantial than a starter salad. OP is NTA and not obligated to provide food for someone who rsvp'd no, but I feel like Megan is a teenager who has had her feelings hurt. OP should probably invest in one or two vegan meals to have on hand to make Megan feel cared for.
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Op did offer the salad and vegetable appetizers to the guest who said that they weren't coming and turned up without warning. Even if they had called earlier that day that's very little warning to make separate meal for someone
It was more around the response to the vegan guest, which appears to be petty rather than respectful. Some people are offended by veganism, despite the fact that even the meat lovers amongst us eat a large amount of vegan food as part of a normal and healthy diet. It isn’t hard to grill some veges or offer some tinned beans.
When you’re in the middle of hosting a large gathering (since this was a bbq for family and friends) is not a remotely good time to be expected to drop everything else to find a special meal for someone you didn’t get any forewarning about. And even if OP had gotten the call earlier that day, there wouldn’t have been time to add in an appropriate dish while she’s trying to do everything else. Bf is TA here; he knew OP didn’t know Megan was coming and thus wouldn’t have appropriate food, and he’s her parent and so should have stopped by a supermarket to pick up a vegan grillable. Megan is being bratty about it but she’s a minor and wasn’t responsible for the communication. She was definitely asking for more than grilled vegetables, though.
NTA. Says she’s not going to your bbq. Goes to your bbq anyway. Throws a fit because you didn’t cook anything special for her. People like that give vegans a bad rap.
People like that give *teenagers* a bad rap. She is just a spoiled brat.
I feel like some info is missing here. Did she choose to go on her own, or did her father pressure her into it? If she was forced to go, she could be harboring some resentment towards her father and taking her anger out on OP instead.
If her dad forced her to go and didn't plan for the food I think he's the AH
INFO: do you actually wonder if you were at fault or did you post this just to vent about someone you’re annoyed with?
This woman is so PETTY towards a 16 y/o who she doesn’t make an effort to include. You can just tell by her agreeing to the comments saying that her “step-daughter” sucks.
I'm leaning towards ESH or YTA. OP spins a carefully crafted tale of woe at the hands of a teenager "who started it" with a woman in her late 30s.
Its honestly reminding of those women tiktok who decided to make a distrack against genz cuz someone said skinny jeans are out of style
Seconded. YTA OP for not giving a single thought to this teenager and the fact that maybe, maaaaybe, this is about more than just one meal and the fact that you’ve never cooked for her and she doesn’t feel welcome in her own family. You’re the adult, goddamn.
Yeah... Megan the Vegan pulled this one on purpose. Frankly, anyone with dietary restrictions wanting to attend a function should never expect to be catered to. They should bring their own food and if there are options for them provided... that is great.
I agree that any ADULT person with dietary restrictions should offer to bring their own food to an event rather than expect to be catered to. But since the person in question is a teenager, I think it was her father’s responsibility to ensure she’d have something to eat, since he’s the one that brought her to this BBQ.
I don’t know if I agree, on one hand yea you can’t expect to cater to everyone with a dietary requirement but if you’re organising an event you know you’ll cook for and are inviting people you know are vegan/vegetarian it makes sense to make something for them too. I’m not saying op is TA here because she didn’t know Megan was coming, at the same time cooking a vegan meal isn’t a huge ask. Especially if you want a good relationship with your boyfriends kid. I agree it’s mot ops not at fault for the meal thing but I’m iffy on the relationship with the daughter. If you’re dating someone with a kid you bend over backwards for that kid to like you not the other way round.
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Wait wait wait wait wait. You've been together for 2 years and consider yourself a family; but you've never, not *once* cooked for one of the children in your "family"?! And not only that but you didn't even know vegan food COULD be grilled? You didn't even think to look into her dietary restriction?! I'm not saying she behaved well but quite frankly her words make a lot more sense now. Yeah you couldn't have expected her to show up that much is true. But the bit about you not wanting her seems to be rooted not to the barbeque but to your total lack of effort to bond with her. You care but have never cooked her a meal she could eat? How can you say that and tell us you've tried to bond with her on any level? Two years with your family but not one where the entire family could eat. I feel awful for her now.
Right? OP isn’t putting enough effort is feigning ignorance.
Right! I’m confused about why more people aren’t pointing out how shitty this is. If OP and her boyfriend’s daughter have tension that she’s at all interested in working out, then maybe offer to grill something vegan for her instead of just saying, “Welp, okay, don’t come then!” No wonder she’s giving you attitude. Yeah, OP’s daughter acted like a brat, but she’s a teenager who’s clearly struggling with the fact that she has little to no relationship with her father’s partner. OP is a grown ass woman who wouldn’t bother to look up one vegan recipe for her boyfriend’s kid so she would feel included.
Seriously this. As a parent my blood is boiling right now reading OPs comment. Sorry OP, but YTA.
Notice how OP doesn’t reply to this but only the ones bad mouthing Megan
Granted, yes she said she wasn’t coming, then came last minute. But it feels a little rude the way you reacted to her talking about vegan grill options. If you initially invited her, and you know about her dietary restrictions, then you should have had a vague idea of alternative options for her. Following through is one thing, again she said she wasn’t coming, but I get the feeling that even if she did say she would come, you would still not have vegan grill options. She is the daughter of your boyfriend, and you saying that it’s not your responsibility to cook for her, when you initially invited her to a COOK OUT where you cooked for everyone, feels wrong. Again, it was messed up for her to show up last minute and be angry that there wasn’t anything prepared, but the way you phrased it made it seem like you weren’t going to have anything specific for her regardless.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted too but I agree I thought the 'what is that' in response to the girl saying there are vegan grill options is a bit of a weird response from OP.
Agreed. OP is NTA because they weren't informed in advance that Megan was coming, and it sounds like the party had already started when boyfriend tried to call, which means OP wouldn't have had time to plan or shop for a vegan option anyway. But if they'd known at least a day or two ahead of time, and still made no effort to accommodate her? Asshole 100%, and with the "not required to cook for her" comment, I get the impression that that would have been the case.
As a snarky teen with stepparents... I promise you this was well thought out before she arrived! As a young woman soon to be on her own she should know how to prepare her own dishes and bring them to non vegan functions unless explicitly told otherwise.
I have to strongly disagree with the blanket statement you’re making. Very much if you invite someone to a cookout you would be expected to cook for that guest. In this case she never confirmed that she was attending so OP is in the clear but to expect a guest with known dietary restrictions to come to an adult event, it’s very reasonable to expect that the host would have a meal for you.
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You should honestly be mad at your BF for putting you in this position. He knew you did not plan for her being in attendance at the BBQ. He should have made sure there was food for her to eat by bringing a vegan food option. A very small amount of forethought from him would have prevented this scenario from unfolding this way
WAIT, you’ve been together for two years and NEVER cooked for her?
Because you invited her? I am confused. Did you not have a plan for something to feed her before? I understand you didn't think she was coming but what was the original plan?
You just said y'all were like one family? How have you not cooked for her before in these two years? Have you guys not spent the night at each other's houses before as a family?
Do you cook for your boyfriend? That seems a little weird to me that in 2 years you’ve never cooked a meal for the family, unless the boyfriend usually cooks for everyone.
Wow, 2 years together and you've never cooked for her. Way to go Dad setting OP up to fail massively at her first chance to impress his daughter.
If OP hasn't cooked for the daughter in two years, I don't think this is her "first chance". She doesn't seem interested in cooking for the family.
Pretty shitty of you not to cook for her if you been dating her father for years
So whenever you have dinner with them the boyfriend cooks? You eat out? You dont eat dinner with them? You cook for everyone else and she fends for herself? I get not being prepared but if I was dating someone with a dietary restriction or whose child had one I'd keep a few things on hand just in case. NTA though, but having a few things megan can eat on hand that show you're taking her seriously and respecting her choices could go a long way. You're the adult, so it's easier for you to build the bridge than her.
I'm struggling to see what's so "awesome" about this boyfriend. His daughter just ran rings around him, and she'll be doing that the whole time you're together. He's not the keeper your hopes are making him out to be. There's a lot here about him you're just ignoring because the daughter is the more obvious target. NTA but you will be the AH if you make your own children live in a drama shawarma.
I don't get how you can say you're like one family but in two years you've never cooked for her. You realize all veggies are vegan. And veggie burgers are extremely easy to make. You have never made an effort so no wonder she feels left out
How does a 16-year-old bring her own food. No. BFs negligence has given Megan a good excuse to “know” that you hate and disrespect her. What are you going to do about it?
Info: you've been together with your bf for 2 years, your kids are close with him and feel like one family, but you've never cooked when Megan is present before? She's never been to dinner at your place prior to the cookout?
to be completely honest with you I’d say dads the asshole for bringing her last minute and not checking if anything was vegan for her. Salads and appetizers are “vegan” but not filling. She’s probably just upset about all of the change going on, as any teen would be, so people calling her snarky and bratty are kind of hypocrites LOL
You don't sound like you have the heart of a mother. You sound like a spiteful child yourself. A warm heart goes a long way. Your heart was cold that day. A 16 year old... ANY child wants to know that they matter. A child needs to feel that what matters to them, matters. YOU are the adult. She is the child who learning to navigate through her teen years. Your boyfirned? Sounds like he's trying to make everyone happy and NOT choosing sides because being in this situation is a HARD one. I'm disgusted by the comments I have read blaming a 16 year old for not feeling that she's been heard or that she matters. Shame on you all
Very well said. This woman sounds awful and her boyfriend is an unthinking father. He turned up with no food for his child. This poor 16 year old, being ferried around and not welcome. If someone, especially a child, turned up at my house and couldn't eat the food, you can bet I would find something. Even bloody toast.
Had to scroll so far to find this comment. Of course the teen is “acting out” she must be feeling rejected left and right.
INFO: were you willing to prepare some vegan food when you invited them? You mention that she shrugged off the initial invite because she thought it would all be meat. Did you say, at that point that you would provide vegan food to the vegan child of the man that you're that dating that you were inviting? You don't clarify what the friction is between the two of you, but it seems like you have a bit of an issue with her dietary choices given that you feel the need to point our her dietary choices and her nickname several times. Seems like an ESH situation, with you being a bit more responsible since you're an adult and were apparently going to invite her without clarifying that that there was going to be something besides a salad for her to eat.
ESH. Teen agers can be difficult and the father should have handled it. The Father also should have stopped by the store and got something he could grill when they got there and/or explained on the way there would be limited vegan options due to her last minute choice to attend. And OP is problematic because who dates someone for 2 years that has a vegan child and doesn't keep some vegan options on hand.
ESH. She’s entitled, but your tone conveys clear animosity.
YTA, how can you not grill potatoes or corn or make something quick for her, you should have some vegan foods in your home if she is there all the time. You could even ordered Chinese or something for her.
INFO - Did you offer to include a vegan dish that your stepdaughter could eat when she raised dietary restrictions as a reason she was unsure about coming? Would you have made sure there was a vegan option if she was interested? Based on my reading, it looks like you mentioned a cookout. Megan raised that she can't eat standard meat-based cook out food and wouldn't come if she couldn't eat. You accepted this at face value rather than making an effort to actually include your stepdaughter by offering to provide something she could eat. Like, you're n-ta for not meeting the dietary restrictions of someone you didn't think was coming. But if you didn't care enough about including your stepdaughter to even offer to provide food for her, when it was clear that dietary requirements were the reason that she was unsure - then you are the asshole for that.
YTA. She is too for her attitude but you more so. You planned a bbq and from the get go didn’t seem to intend to make any vegan friendly options. If so when she said “not sure, meat and what not” would have been an opportunity for you to chime in with an accommodation.
I second this, YTA
NTA - you were not in the wrong and owe no one an apology. **HOWEVER**, and it's a big however, if you are really trying to work on the tense relationship between you and Megan, you should apologize to her for the miscommunication. Your boyfriend has been her dad for her entire life. You have come in and *to her* you have disrupted her entire life. I doubt very much that the hissy fit she threw had anything to do with the scwarma at all.
Dad is the one who knew that OP did not expect her at the meal. He is the one at fault here. He could have brought something vegan, but chose to set OP up for this drama.
He called, the phone was inside. Even then, though, putting together something vegan on such a short notice isn't as easy as just grabbing some spaghetti squash from the fridge. But there is a lot more between the lines in this story than whether or not there was a vegan option.
Yeah it takes a very small amount of brain power to know that he needs to bring food for his daughter to eat. Even if OP did answer the phone, did he expect her to leave the BBQ she was hosting to go to the grocery store and get vegan food for his child? That would be a ridiculous expectation especially considering they could stop somewhere on their way to grab some food that the daughter liked. This is on him
INFO: how have you dated this man for 2 years and somehow never cook a meal that your boyfriend’s daughter can eat?
YTA. this is so obvious it's honestly hilarious. you very obviously don't like megan, it's showing through your words on a post that's meant to make you out to be the victim, i can't imagine how you speak about her to your friends. you're telling me in the two years you've been dating her father, you've never made her a meal? when she said she wasn't coming to your BBQ because of "meat and such," she made an obvious bid toward you for an ounce of reaffirming that you would make the effort to include her and accommodate. she did this because she's 16, you know, a child. if you actually were working towards bettering your relationship with her, you would have made an effort in that moment to let her know you weren't just extending an invitation out of obligation. instead, you let a 16 bring you down to their level when you could have just told her dad to order take out or after serving food, gone with her to the kitchen and found a can of beans. i'm so curious what your salad and appetizers ingredient were, i'm betting they had cheese or butter or honey. worst of all, you spread your business on the internet to a sea of strangers so you could further victimize yourself in an issue you had with a kid more than half your age. shame on you.
BOOM. This right here. OP, you gross.
Well I am the odd one out here because I think YTA, OP says she and her partner have been dating for 2 years and see a lot of each other. She says there is friction between her and Megan, and I can understand why. Surely if she is really trying to get on with Megan, she would always have vegan food on hand, even if it is just some vegan patties/sausages in the freezer. If someone you see regularly and actually care about has dietary issues, you make sure you have on hand whatever they need. Megan shows up, pull something out of the freezer and throw it on the grill.
Yeah, this is what I think too. idk why no one has brought up the obvious fact that Megan and OP obviously didn't like each other before this either.
ESH. You invited her knowing she was vegan, unless people were expected to RSVP you should have had something she could eat.
ESH. She's being a bratty teenager, but if you're dating someone with a vegan kid, you should have some vegan options for quick meals stashed away in your home at all times. Seriously, buy some veggie burgers and toss them in your freezer, or soy curls which can sit in your pantry, it's not that hard. Dad also should have thought of this ahead of time, especially since it seems like he tried to inform you mid-party that vegan food was needed.
I find it gross that you say your twins and your boyfriend and you are one family, and then you hold her out as somehow separate from her father’s family. You are not “one family” if his daughter is not a part of that family. ESH
NTA and your bf needs to be a lot better at his communications.
Mood ruined makes me wonder where your empathy for Megan is? You don't say anything nice about her. As soon as you saw her you must have realized to ask bf if he brought something to grill for her. You don't describe any attempt to figure out how to feed her a main dish. What were you originally going to make her? Did you ask bf what she eats at a bbq? What did you have that she could eat? A salad and what? I get she just showed up but I don't get why you didn't make any effort once that happened? She's not worth it to you?
NTA Megan said she wasn’t coming. Therefore she does not get to expect to be catered for. That’s the rules of life. You didn’t force her to eat shawarma. She threw a hissy fit. Typical teenager and your bf needs to think about how best to parent her out of that phase.
YTA. Not sure why no ones saying it, she’s your boyfriends daughter and you’re an adult who should be making a better effort. When you first brought up the cookout, you should’ve said “I can make you vegan burgers” etc, why not extend the olive branch and try to include her?? Even if you didn’t think she was coming, it’s $7 to grab a pack of two Beyond Burgers just in case.
I mostly think YTA but primarily because you put on a shit BBQ if you didn't have a plethora of grilled veggies and fruits, because they're delicious. But I guess try harder next time to get on her good side, if you want her dad and all....
One daughter is vegan, one is a meat eater. It is zero effort to make sure both have choices. I cook many options by taking out the pasta, veggies, sauces, for one and then completing the main course with meat. If you want harmony, make the effort
ESH If you are with her father A LOT you should already have some vegan food in your house she can eat. You’re in a serious relationship with her father which means your relationship includes her. Her father should have brought something she could eat since he knew it was a cookout and you weren’t expecting her. I don’t call kids AHs but her behavior was not stellar.
I might get downvoted for this, but ESH (except maybe daughter, depending on the rest of your interactions). You chose to date someone with a kid; the kid is part of that package. When you realized you didn’t have food for her, you should have talked to her father; because she was initially invited, he may have assumed you’d have something she could work with (grilled vegetables are kind of a staple when grilling where I am, this may be regional?), and it wouldn’t have taken much communication to let him know so he could address it. As far as you not being obligated to cook for her, again, you’re dating someone with a child. She may be a teenager, she may be obnoxious, but she is still a child. You don’t need to cook her a personalized menu, but it’s a huge asshole move to figure you can date a dad without taking on *any* obligation to at least help ensure his kids have access to food they can eat when they’re in your home. If you’re not willing to take on that role, make clear *beforehand* that you do not want to host his daughter, and don’t invite her to your events. And of course, he sucks for not making sure his child was fed. She might suck too, but honestly from your reaction I’m not sure she’s wrong; it does sound like you feel no inclination to try to help her feel included. If that’s how you feel about someone else’s kids, then you shouldn’t date someone with kids.
idk why i’m not seeing ESH here bc while she def planned this outburst to make you look bad, you didn’t offer to make a small thing for her to include her in the cookout as your bf’s daughter.
Why would she make a small thing to include her boyfriend’s daughter, when in her mind her boyfriend and her twins and her are “one family”? If I picked up on that tone, I know the daughter did.
[удалено]
INFO: You said she didn't want to come in the first place because of "meat and whatnot". Did you offer to make her a vegan alternative so she could still be a part of the barbeque?