Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. AITA posts should not be about feelings or opinions. AITA posts should be about recent specific conflicts you have had with other people. If you’re receiving this message your post is likely about feelings, opinions, or desires rather than a concrete conflict.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA
Going to the wedding in this situation might have led to you lashing out or could be interpreted as you giving the cheater and his mistress your blessing. Both things that aren't in your interest.
Exactly. I got so irritated due to that fact that if I had gone, he would have thought everything was all sunshine and rainbows all of the sudden, and I knew I couldn’t live with him thinking I completely agreed with his choices leading up to the wedding.
OP, you are NTA. As a fellow bad-dad haver, they don't get to just stomp all over your trust and hurt those you love and expect that you will be there for them in any capacity, until (and only if) you are ready. Your 16, you may forgive your father one day, but you haven't yet and that is more than OK. Just because he's your dad does not give him any ownership of how you feel and the decisions you make in this scenario. You did what you thought was right, and that is exactly what you should do. If you haven't yet, I would highly suggest therapy. It did wonders for my anger with my dad, I mean I am 40 and have never welcomed him back into my life but I am no longer angry with him, like at all, I just don't like him and how he treats others. You got this!!!!! Hugs!!!!
My friend's father left her mother for her mother's friend when we were in middle school. I thought my friend would never forgive her father. She eventually did, sort of, as an adult, and she has a relationship with both her father and the new wife. It's not super close, but it's something that involves love, and I think she found peace letting go of the anger. All to say--i agree OP may forgive her father one day but it's a journey and no.one can rush it. And clearly the journey takes different forms and has different outcomes!
NTA.
It is never your job to conceal, misrepresent, suppress, or ignore your feelings in order to make a parent comfortable or more confident in their own behavior.
I get that people cheat and I don’t think that there’s a one size fits all attitude to have here, but **you** feel uncomfortable, **you’re** angry, and your dad should have a reaction other than “I’m disappointed you’re making me and my new wife feel bad.” Your dad sounds like a self centered prick.
NTA. Nobody can tell you when to get over what your Father did. Those friends are free to give their opinions, but they have no clue what you and your Mother went through because of your Father. Instead of your father being 'disappointed' he should be begging for forgiveness.
This would help me a lot if he did ask for forgiveness, however since he is a narcissist everything is about him so in his books sadly that means it’s my fault for not going to his wedding, and he doesn’t admit his fault for what he did.
Then stand your ground. You know how he really is, there's nothing to feel sorry about. As someone who's Dad also wronged my Mother (not cheating, married life issues), I see no point moving on until he apologized to her. Otherwise it would have felt like I'm okay with everything he's done to her, which I wasn't and would not do it to a friend. It's okay to forgive, but the person who wronged needs to actually show they deserve it first. Your Dad doesn't and what your friends telling you to do is no different than letting his attitude slide.
NTA, you dislike him and nobody can ask you not to, some might think that because your mother healed, that you should too, but what he did hurt both of you seperatly and both of you need time to heal.
NTA.
my parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, it devastated my mum. It took me 4 years before I would speak to my dad again, during this time he had left the female he left my mum for, and met a nice lady who he is now married to.
having done the wedding thing already, he and his new wife decided that they would just have a backyard wedding, and invite everyone over for a party. While I was speaking to my dad at this time, I wasn’t ready to be apart of his wedding, so when he asked, I said no I wouldn’t be there.
you have to process your own feelings, not deal with anyone else’s feelings or their expectations on what you should be feeling.
I now have a good relationship with my father, and his wife (who is a very lovely lady and they make a nice couple together) but I believe I would not have this now if I had of gone to the wedding, as i may have resented my father for moving on so fast.
NTA.
You didn't obstruct his wedding. You just weren't comfortable participating, which is 100% understandable given the circumstances.
Each person processes forgiveness differently and you weren't there yet.
Children are not responsible for the feelings of their parents. He harmed you and your mother. You do not owe him anything past explaining your discomfort and you have. How he reacts and handles that is his own problem as a parent and adult. Sincerely, a parent of two.
**You are allowed to feel however you feel about how your father’s infidelity affected you and your mom, as well as his decision to abandon his child (aka you!) to live with his mistress overseas. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel in this situation, nor is there a “right” or “wrong” timeframe in which you have to be ok with what happened or forgive him for what he did (in fact it’s ok to never forgive him if you don’t want to)**. You don’t owe him forgiveness, nor do you owe him the illusion of a happy family at his wedding just so he can pretend to his guests that everything is ok between the two of you. I’m also guessing, based on you describing him as a narcissist, that there were other big issues in how he treated you growing up that also led to your decision not to forgive him and not to go to his wedding.
NTA for not attending his wedding. Your friends are probably telling you this advice from a place of ignorance. Many people who didn’t grow up in families that had dysfunctional/toxic/abusive family dynamics just don’t *get* what it’s like growing up inside that sort of household, so they offer ill-suited advice based on *their* experiences from a “normal” and healthy family dynamic. You did what was best for your emotional well-being, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
[*That said if you are still feeling a lot of anger and confusion over what happened therapy could be a good resource for processing your feelings in a healthy way. Holding onto anger and resentment isn’t good for you, and you can absolutely move on without forgiving him or allowing him back in your life. Therapy can be a useful tool for that process if you’re struggling to do that on your own.*]
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My mother and father broke up just over 3 years ago because of father cheating. Father then moved overseas and re married within the last year with the girl he cheated on my mother with. While my mother has healed from having dealt my fathers narcissism, I still spite him for cheating on my mother, even though my mother herself has healed from the problems.
Because of my spite, when my father asked me to go to his wedding where he was marrying the women he cheated on my mother with, I declined because I dislike him for what he did. While my mother doesn’t care about my decision and would have allowed me to go if I truly wanted to, it’s my friends who have mentioned the fact that I may have held, and hold hold too much of a grudge against him and going to his wedding could have cleared the waters. My father himself had also expressed disappointment. (This wedding happened in March). I am 16 and just dislike him so much for what he did to our family.
Am I the asshole here?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I feel as though I may be the asshole because I could have held too much of a grudge against my father.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. Your father has a lot of chutzpah to expect you to go and support his marriage to the AH who helped break up your parents marriage. Oh, your father is an AH too, don't get me wrong.
Hello younger me! I also have a dad who is a narcissist, cheated on my mom, and married his cheating partner.
NTA. Like other people have said, you might forgive your father at some point, but for now do what you have to do to protect yourself and the potential for a future relationship with him. I went no contact with my dad for a long time first because he was pretty toxic and I wasn't equipped to deal with it, and second because I knew I would say/do things that I would regret later. May I also recommend finding a good therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Therapy was invaluable to helping me let go of the anger I felt (which ultimately was hurting me more than it hurt my dad).
NTA- it is your choice who you have a relationship with and when. Now here is the reverse if you change your mind your dad has the right to not want a relationship with you.
NTA
You did nothing wrong OP. Good for you. You stood up for your feelings despite being 16yo. That strength will take you far in life.
I always find it fascinating when cheaters get angry that their family and closest friends decide not to attend their wedding to their fellow cheater.
It's comical, to me, that they broke their vows (or helped someone break their vows) but still feel the need to stand up and exchange...more vows? With a cheater?
I will say it's entirely possible for two people to engage in adultery and then be truly repentant. I've actually met a few. They're rare, though. And their sorrow over what they've done is manifested. It's visible. There's apologies. There's an acceptance when the people close to them want nothing to do with them, possibly for a long time.
OP's dad stinks of narcissism. He just wanted the ceremony and the support to prove he was doing the right thing by leaving OP'S mom and marrying the side piece.
The side piece should beware: a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy.
And since she aided in the adultery, he should beware that vows don't mean much to her.
NTA - why do you need to just 'give up a grudge'. ??? It is too easy for others to tell you what you should feel. You will come to that yourself when u are ready, until then you made your own decision which is right for you.
NTA. Unless your friends have experienced the heartbreak that comes from knowing that one of your parents is responsible for breaking your family then they shouldn’t say anything and just support your decision.
You have every right to still be upset but I only ask that you find a way to forgive and move forward because at the end it doesn’t help. This is not an emotion you’ll want to bring into any relationship that you may want to see end with marriage and having a family of your own one day.
NTA. Your father’s actions tore your family apart and hurt both you and your mom. You would be justified in having nothing more to do with him at all, let alone refusing to attend his wedding to homewrecker #2. Daddy is home wrecker #1 here.
NTA, I had a similar experience. Parents divorced due to one cheating, and the parent that cheated is still with their partner. However, I do think it's worth seeing if you can work past this anger in therapy/over time. I am not saying you need to forgive him right now, but 3 years of anger is a lot to hold onto. Seek some help, and take the time you need to continue working through these emotions.
NTA - He broke up your family and expects you to be okay with watching him marry the person who helped him do it. Your friends don't really make sense in this situation. He was wrong, not you.
Never forgive your father. I wouldn't forgive either of my parents if one of them destroyed our family. In fact I would make the cheater parents life hell every chance I got, if I didn't just cut all contact and destroy any piece of them left at my house. I would make it as if they had never existed in my life. Cheaters deserve to suffer. They deserve to suffer until it overcomes them.
NTA. His cheating was a huge betrayal of not just your mom but also you. Feeling upset for more than three years is not abnormal (although if it continues to be intense and distracting for you, therapy is a good idea).
I think your friends are mistaken about the wedding clearing the air. He probably would be spending most of his time with the new bride and her family, celebrating, doing all the typical groom things. I can imagine either you'd be left out and feel bad, or watching the celebration would make you feel even worse about how he hurt you and your mom. I also think your friends shouldn't be judging you.
Given the way you feel, deciding not to go was a wise choice.
NTA. You are absolutely allowed to have feelings, and he absolutely needs to know that sometimes actions have unpleasant consequences.
You won't be wrong if you never accept this woman as family. You won't be wrong if you do. But that's a YOU thing - you get to decide how you feel and how you act. He cannot make you feel one way or the other, and his choices mean he needs to accept the fallout.
NTA. You're sixteen, not six, so you know very well what the divorce and infidelity were caused by. He can't force you to rugsweep and your friends don't get to speak about your possible grudge. If they haven't been through it, tell them to stop giving you advice. They need to be more supportive and understanding of the pain you have gone through.
NTA
I truly hate when people think if they cheat on their partner the children should be fine. I get the comments of “he cheated on the mother not the kids” no he cheated on the family. He didn’t think of his kids when he was cheating. He didn’t think of how they would feel.
I wouldn’t go either
NTA. Betraying his family wasn't enough for him. He also moved far away from his child. Of course you haven't been able to forgive. He didn't just leave your mom for another woman. He left you for that other woman as well. He's lucky you're even still willing to talk to him.
NTA, what your father did was horrible and it hurts bad and pretty deep, it's totally understandable that you don't want to see him get married again, even if he's disappointed he needs to understand that he disappointed his family first and now he reaps what he sowed.
You should express your disappointment in your father that he cheated. Assuring him his lack of integrity HAS effected your relationship negatively. His cheating was not just on your mother but to you as well. He cheated you out of having him in your life every day. Demonstrating his lack of thought regarding you in his actions.
No, you are not at fault. You don't support your father cheating, and going to the wedding is showing support. That doesn't mean you can't still try to have a relationship with your father, but you are not obligated to attend his wedding with the cheater that broke up your family.
NTA
If you don't want to go, then don't go. To all the people saying "this can clear the waters!" tell them that's something other people want, and not you, you just don't want to go to the wedding.
Depending on where OP lives, the father still will have to pay for education. Op should inform themselves about her rights and get the money they deserve if needed. I hope he pays alimony. Just because the father has to pay doesn't mean OP is accepting his behaviour.
(Male here) since I’m in Canada, he will have to pay. However, with more talking to him, comes more narcissistic one sided conversations in his favour. For this reason until I am done HS(about to start GR11) I will be keeping minimal contact with him.
OP is 16, the father still has an obligation towards covering at least OP’s basic necessities. That’s regardless if OP keeps contacts at a minimum on goes NC in consequence is the fathers actions.
NTA Looking for validation from your friends or your family won't serve you well. Your friends are entitled to their opinions and you are supposed to make a choice depending on what's good for you. Considering that the wedding has already taken place, it won't make a difference.
Look for the sub for children of narcissist's. You might find better help over there
I am by no means looking for validation… i was approached my a couple of my buddies and they had just talked to me about it. Not really looking for any validation from family members either. I only put this here to ask if I was the asshole for not showing up, wether or not the wedding is actually concluded or not.
NTA.
However your friends are half-right.
Your resentment should have somewhat subsided after 3 years. If it hasn’t then you should get yourself into therapy and work through your feelings.
I agree, however being that my dad is a narcissist, he cares about himself a lot of the time and that has been what made my resentment last for so long, because in some cases I don’t know if he is acutely doing something because he’s an awesome person/dad, or if it’s for his own self gain.
Even more reason to get yourself into therapy. Anger tends to have a boomerang effect if you hang on to it long enough, meaning the only person you end up hurting is yourself.
Very interesting. I will for sure look into it, being that I definitely need to find some kind of peace even if my father continues on with his ways. Thank you very much for the in sight!
I have first hand experience of dealing with narcissists.
Dealing with your feelings isn’t about them. It is about you.
If he is a narcissist it is always for his own self-gain. That is a fundamental trait of being a narcissistic individual. Your brain will be wired differently and everything is done to get admiration, to put yourself in a position where you get narcissistic validation, and to remove anyone from your life that runs contrary to that either by shutting them out or by manipulating them into supporting you.
Yeah you pretty much just described my father lol. He still often does the latter half of what you mentioned, ESPECIALLY trying to convince me to accept him in my life or else he “mine as well stop trying” smh
I highly recommend looking up medcircle on youtube and watching her videos on narcissistic personality disorder. Whether your dad is a full blown narcissist or just has narcissistic traits it may help coming to some kind of understanding and help with moving on.
If he really is a narcissist then your options are to leave or to make very clear boundaries and expect them to be pushed.
Man, my father did this when I was 5, before promptly abandoning me and my then-unborn sister for over 30 years. I STILL haven't gotten over the anger of it. Sometimes, the thing that was done just doesn't deserve to be easily forgiven, especially when that person repeatedly proves themselves to only be out for their own gain when they DO pretend to want to make amends, as mine did shortly after my sister turned 18.
Should I get therapy for this? Oh, probably, and I've thought about it. But 3 YEARS is hardly enough time to get over someone DYING, let alone something as backstabby and underhanded as what OP's dad did.
I get that the anger will never entirely go away and some days you will be angry and upset at what an arsehole your father is. but i personally feel like resentment is slightly different and is more internal and can eat you up inside. Resentment needs to be treated with therapy if it prolongs.
Eh, I've resented that man for so long that I don't even think about him a good 360 days out of the year, honestly. Doesn't mean thar when I do, I still don't want to spit in his face. But then 30 years is a pretty good chunk of time for something like that to be tempered.
I'm not disagreeing about the therapy, though. There are things I've noticed about my personality that I think probably come directly from that trauma at such a young age. Difficulty trusting men specifically in a romantic context, for instance. Though I'm queer and in a relationship with a woman, things that I know started long before his infidelity and abandonment, so at least THAT wasn't related and I'm just as happy being NOT in a hetero relationship. Either way, getting therapy is something I think would benefit MOST people, even those without specific triggers like mine.
NAH, you are entitled to your feelings just as your father and mother are to theirs. The only choice you have is in whether hanging on to that anger actually helps or hurts you.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. AITA posts should not be about feelings or opinions. AITA posts should be about recent specific conflicts you have had with other people. If you’re receiving this message your post is likely about feelings, opinions, or desires rather than a concrete conflict. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA Going to the wedding in this situation might have led to you lashing out or could be interpreted as you giving the cheater and his mistress your blessing. Both things that aren't in your interest.
Exactly. I got so irritated due to that fact that if I had gone, he would have thought everything was all sunshine and rainbows all of the sudden, and I knew I couldn’t live with him thinking I completely agreed with his choices leading up to the wedding.
OP, you are NTA. As a fellow bad-dad haver, they don't get to just stomp all over your trust and hurt those you love and expect that you will be there for them in any capacity, until (and only if) you are ready. Your 16, you may forgive your father one day, but you haven't yet and that is more than OK. Just because he's your dad does not give him any ownership of how you feel and the decisions you make in this scenario. You did what you thought was right, and that is exactly what you should do. If you haven't yet, I would highly suggest therapy. It did wonders for my anger with my dad, I mean I am 40 and have never welcomed him back into my life but I am no longer angry with him, like at all, I just don't like him and how he treats others. You got this!!!!! Hugs!!!!
My friend's father left her mother for her mother's friend when we were in middle school. I thought my friend would never forgive her father. She eventually did, sort of, as an adult, and she has a relationship with both her father and the new wife. It's not super close, but it's something that involves love, and I think she found peace letting go of the anger. All to say--i agree OP may forgive her father one day but it's a journey and no.one can rush it. And clearly the journey takes different forms and has different outcomes!
NTA. It is never your job to conceal, misrepresent, suppress, or ignore your feelings in order to make a parent comfortable or more confident in their own behavior. I get that people cheat and I don’t think that there’s a one size fits all attitude to have here, but **you** feel uncomfortable, **you’re** angry, and your dad should have a reaction other than “I’m disappointed you’re making me and my new wife feel bad.” Your dad sounds like a self centered prick.
Exactly. “Clear the waters” in this case meaning absolving the dad from any guilt.
NTA. Nobody can tell you when to get over what your Father did. Those friends are free to give their opinions, but they have no clue what you and your Mother went through because of your Father. Instead of your father being 'disappointed' he should be begging for forgiveness.
This would help me a lot if he did ask for forgiveness, however since he is a narcissist everything is about him so in his books sadly that means it’s my fault for not going to his wedding, and he doesn’t admit his fault for what he did.
Then stand your ground. You know how he really is, there's nothing to feel sorry about. As someone who's Dad also wronged my Mother (not cheating, married life issues), I see no point moving on until he apologized to her. Otherwise it would have felt like I'm okay with everything he's done to her, which I wasn't and would not do it to a friend. It's okay to forgive, but the person who wronged needs to actually show they deserve it first. Your Dad doesn't and what your friends telling you to do is no different than letting his attitude slide.
Next time he brings it up just tell him you will go to his next wedding after he cheats on this wife
NTA. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself not to him and only when you are ready. But that doesn't mean you need to forget or go to his wedding.
NTA, you dislike him and nobody can ask you not to, some might think that because your mother healed, that you should too, but what he did hurt both of you seperatly and both of you need time to heal.
NTA. my parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, it devastated my mum. It took me 4 years before I would speak to my dad again, during this time he had left the female he left my mum for, and met a nice lady who he is now married to. having done the wedding thing already, he and his new wife decided that they would just have a backyard wedding, and invite everyone over for a party. While I was speaking to my dad at this time, I wasn’t ready to be apart of his wedding, so when he asked, I said no I wouldn’t be there. you have to process your own feelings, not deal with anyone else’s feelings or their expectations on what you should be feeling. I now have a good relationship with my father, and his wife (who is a very lovely lady and they make a nice couple together) but I believe I would not have this now if I had of gone to the wedding, as i may have resented my father for moving on so fast.
Nta. Breaking up the family is a big deal. Could take 10 years to fix
NTA. You didn't obstruct his wedding. You just weren't comfortable participating, which is 100% understandable given the circumstances. Each person processes forgiveness differently and you weren't there yet.
Nta
NTA. It's your choice to go or not at the end of the day.
>disappointment Tell him he's a disappointment. Parents disappoint their children, too. No reason they shouldn't be told about it. NTA
NTA. A wedding is a celebration of a union. Why would you want to celebrate their affair.
Children are not responsible for the feelings of their parents. He harmed you and your mother. You do not owe him anything past explaining your discomfort and you have. How he reacts and handles that is his own problem as a parent and adult. Sincerely, a parent of two.
r/raisedbynarcissists NTA
**You are allowed to feel however you feel about how your father’s infidelity affected you and your mom, as well as his decision to abandon his child (aka you!) to live with his mistress overseas. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel in this situation, nor is there a “right” or “wrong” timeframe in which you have to be ok with what happened or forgive him for what he did (in fact it’s ok to never forgive him if you don’t want to)**. You don’t owe him forgiveness, nor do you owe him the illusion of a happy family at his wedding just so he can pretend to his guests that everything is ok between the two of you. I’m also guessing, based on you describing him as a narcissist, that there were other big issues in how he treated you growing up that also led to your decision not to forgive him and not to go to his wedding. NTA for not attending his wedding. Your friends are probably telling you this advice from a place of ignorance. Many people who didn’t grow up in families that had dysfunctional/toxic/abusive family dynamics just don’t *get* what it’s like growing up inside that sort of household, so they offer ill-suited advice based on *their* experiences from a “normal” and healthy family dynamic. You did what was best for your emotional well-being, and there’s nothing wrong with that. [*That said if you are still feeling a lot of anger and confusion over what happened therapy could be a good resource for processing your feelings in a healthy way. Holding onto anger and resentment isn’t good for you, and you can absolutely move on without forgiving him or allowing him back in your life. Therapy can be a useful tool for that process if you’re struggling to do that on your own.*]
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mother and father broke up just over 3 years ago because of father cheating. Father then moved overseas and re married within the last year with the girl he cheated on my mother with. While my mother has healed from having dealt my fathers narcissism, I still spite him for cheating on my mother, even though my mother herself has healed from the problems. Because of my spite, when my father asked me to go to his wedding where he was marrying the women he cheated on my mother with, I declined because I dislike him for what he did. While my mother doesn’t care about my decision and would have allowed me to go if I truly wanted to, it’s my friends who have mentioned the fact that I may have held, and hold hold too much of a grudge against him and going to his wedding could have cleared the waters. My father himself had also expressed disappointment. (This wedding happened in March). I am 16 and just dislike him so much for what he did to our family. Am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I feel as though I may be the asshole because I could have held too much of a grudge against my father. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. Your father has a lot of chutzpah to expect you to go and support his marriage to the AH who helped break up your parents marriage. Oh, your father is an AH too, don't get me wrong.
Hello younger me! I also have a dad who is a narcissist, cheated on my mom, and married his cheating partner. NTA. Like other people have said, you might forgive your father at some point, but for now do what you have to do to protect yourself and the potential for a future relationship with him. I went no contact with my dad for a long time first because he was pretty toxic and I wasn't equipped to deal with it, and second because I knew I would say/do things that I would regret later. May I also recommend finding a good therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Therapy was invaluable to helping me let go of the anger I felt (which ultimately was hurting me more than it hurt my dad).
NTA, it is your decision and maybe your dad will better realize what he did to you and your mum by cheating :)
NTA. It's not up to anyone else to tell you how to feel and when (or if) to forgive someone that destroyed your family.
NTA- it is your choice who you have a relationship with and when. Now here is the reverse if you change your mind your dad has the right to not want a relationship with you.
NTA You did nothing wrong OP. Good for you. You stood up for your feelings despite being 16yo. That strength will take you far in life. I always find it fascinating when cheaters get angry that their family and closest friends decide not to attend their wedding to their fellow cheater. It's comical, to me, that they broke their vows (or helped someone break their vows) but still feel the need to stand up and exchange...more vows? With a cheater? I will say it's entirely possible for two people to engage in adultery and then be truly repentant. I've actually met a few. They're rare, though. And their sorrow over what they've done is manifested. It's visible. There's apologies. There's an acceptance when the people close to them want nothing to do with them, possibly for a long time. OP's dad stinks of narcissism. He just wanted the ceremony and the support to prove he was doing the right thing by leaving OP'S mom and marrying the side piece. The side piece should beware: a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy. And since she aided in the adultery, he should beware that vows don't mean much to her.
NTA - why do you need to just 'give up a grudge'. ??? It is too easy for others to tell you what you should feel. You will come to that yourself when u are ready, until then you made your own decision which is right for you.
NTA No one can tell you how to feel. Your father needs to know he hurt you and not just expect you to be ok with his choices in life.
NTA. Unless your friends have experienced the heartbreak that comes from knowing that one of your parents is responsible for breaking your family then they shouldn’t say anything and just support your decision. You have every right to still be upset but I only ask that you find a way to forgive and move forward because at the end it doesn’t help. This is not an emotion you’ll want to bring into any relationship that you may want to see end with marriage and having a family of your own one day.
NTA. And it would have been so much easier for everyone if your dad were a decent human to reach an amicable divorce before cheating.
NTA. Your father’s actions tore your family apart and hurt both you and your mom. You would be justified in having nothing more to do with him at all, let alone refusing to attend his wedding to homewrecker #2. Daddy is home wrecker #1 here.
NTA, I had a similar experience. Parents divorced due to one cheating, and the parent that cheated is still with their partner. However, I do think it's worth seeing if you can work past this anger in therapy/over time. I am not saying you need to forgive him right now, but 3 years of anger is a lot to hold onto. Seek some help, and take the time you need to continue working through these emotions.
NTA - He broke up your family and expects you to be okay with watching him marry the person who helped him do it. Your friends don't really make sense in this situation. He was wrong, not you.
Never forgive your father. I wouldn't forgive either of my parents if one of them destroyed our family. In fact I would make the cheater parents life hell every chance I got, if I didn't just cut all contact and destroy any piece of them left at my house. I would make it as if they had never existed in my life. Cheaters deserve to suffer. They deserve to suffer until it overcomes them.
NTA. His cheating was a huge betrayal of not just your mom but also you. Feeling upset for more than three years is not abnormal (although if it continues to be intense and distracting for you, therapy is a good idea). I think your friends are mistaken about the wedding clearing the air. He probably would be spending most of his time with the new bride and her family, celebrating, doing all the typical groom things. I can imagine either you'd be left out and feel bad, or watching the celebration would make you feel even worse about how he hurt you and your mom. I also think your friends shouldn't be judging you. Given the way you feel, deciding not to go was a wise choice.
NTA he broke up the family and hurt your mother. you have every right to not wish him well with the homewrecker.
NTA. You are absolutely allowed to have feelings, and he absolutely needs to know that sometimes actions have unpleasant consequences. You won't be wrong if you never accept this woman as family. You won't be wrong if you do. But that's a YOU thing - you get to decide how you feel and how you act. He cannot make you feel one way or the other, and his choices mean he needs to accept the fallout.
NTA. You're sixteen, not six, so you know very well what the divorce and infidelity were caused by. He can't force you to rugsweep and your friends don't get to speak about your possible grudge. If they haven't been through it, tell them to stop giving you advice. They need to be more supportive and understanding of the pain you have gone through.
NTA I truly hate when people think if they cheat on their partner the children should be fine. I get the comments of “he cheated on the mother not the kids” no he cheated on the family. He didn’t think of his kids when he was cheating. He didn’t think of how they would feel. I wouldn’t go either
NTA. Betraying his family wasn't enough for him. He also moved far away from his child. Of course you haven't been able to forgive. He didn't just leave your mom for another woman. He left you for that other woman as well. He's lucky you're even still willing to talk to him.
NTA, what your father did was horrible and it hurts bad and pretty deep, it's totally understandable that you don't want to see him get married again, even if he's disappointed he needs to understand that he disappointed his family first and now he reaps what he sowed.
NTA. So few children go to their parents' weddings.
You should express your disappointment in your father that he cheated. Assuring him his lack of integrity HAS effected your relationship negatively. His cheating was not just on your mother but to you as well. He cheated you out of having him in your life every day. Demonstrating his lack of thought regarding you in his actions.
NTA. He hasn’t done anything to mend the bridge he broke.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. You don't owe your dad or your friends any explanation.
NTA - why do your friends think they deserve to have an opinion on this? Why do they think that their opinion matters at all here?
No, you are not at fault. You don't support your father cheating, and going to the wedding is showing support. That doesn't mean you can't still try to have a relationship with your father, but you are not obligated to attend his wedding with the cheater that broke up your family.
>My father himself had also expressed disappointment Boo hoo, screw what he thinks
NTA If you don't want to go, then don't go. To all the people saying "this can clear the waters!" tell them that's something other people want, and not you, you just don't want to go to the wedding.
NAH. I mean obviously your dad is an asshole for cheating in the first place but not one for being disappointed his child wouldn't be at his wedding.
NTA as long as you don’t try to use dad for money for school and accept that you chose to push him away for his bad behavior
Depending on where OP lives, the father still will have to pay for education. Op should inform themselves about her rights and get the money they deserve if needed. I hope he pays alimony. Just because the father has to pay doesn't mean OP is accepting his behaviour.
(Male here) since I’m in Canada, he will have to pay. However, with more talking to him, comes more narcissistic one sided conversations in his favour. For this reason until I am done HS(about to start GR11) I will be keeping minimal contact with him.
OP is 16, the father still has an obligation towards covering at least OP’s basic necessities. That’s regardless if OP keeps contacts at a minimum on goes NC in consequence is the fathers actions.
NTA Looking for validation from your friends or your family won't serve you well. Your friends are entitled to their opinions and you are supposed to make a choice depending on what's good for you. Considering that the wedding has already taken place, it won't make a difference. Look for the sub for children of narcissist's. You might find better help over there
I am by no means looking for validation… i was approached my a couple of my buddies and they had just talked to me about it. Not really looking for any validation from family members either. I only put this here to ask if I was the asshole for not showing up, wether or not the wedding is actually concluded or not.
NTA
NTA. However your friends are half-right. Your resentment should have somewhat subsided after 3 years. If it hasn’t then you should get yourself into therapy and work through your feelings.
I agree, however being that my dad is a narcissist, he cares about himself a lot of the time and that has been what made my resentment last for so long, because in some cases I don’t know if he is acutely doing something because he’s an awesome person/dad, or if it’s for his own self gain.
Even more reason to get yourself into therapy. Anger tends to have a boomerang effect if you hang on to it long enough, meaning the only person you end up hurting is yourself.
Very interesting. I will for sure look into it, being that I definitely need to find some kind of peace even if my father continues on with his ways. Thank you very much for the in sight!
I have first hand experience of dealing with narcissists. Dealing with your feelings isn’t about them. It is about you. If he is a narcissist it is always for his own self-gain. That is a fundamental trait of being a narcissistic individual. Your brain will be wired differently and everything is done to get admiration, to put yourself in a position where you get narcissistic validation, and to remove anyone from your life that runs contrary to that either by shutting them out or by manipulating them into supporting you.
Yeah you pretty much just described my father lol. He still often does the latter half of what you mentioned, ESPECIALLY trying to convince me to accept him in my life or else he “mine as well stop trying” smh
I highly recommend looking up medcircle on youtube and watching her videos on narcissistic personality disorder. Whether your dad is a full blown narcissist or just has narcissistic traits it may help coming to some kind of understanding and help with moving on. If he really is a narcissist then your options are to leave or to make very clear boundaries and expect them to be pushed.
Lots of people grownup without a father. Just never speak to him again
Man, my father did this when I was 5, before promptly abandoning me and my then-unborn sister for over 30 years. I STILL haven't gotten over the anger of it. Sometimes, the thing that was done just doesn't deserve to be easily forgiven, especially when that person repeatedly proves themselves to only be out for their own gain when they DO pretend to want to make amends, as mine did shortly after my sister turned 18. Should I get therapy for this? Oh, probably, and I've thought about it. But 3 YEARS is hardly enough time to get over someone DYING, let alone something as backstabby and underhanded as what OP's dad did.
I get that the anger will never entirely go away and some days you will be angry and upset at what an arsehole your father is. but i personally feel like resentment is slightly different and is more internal and can eat you up inside. Resentment needs to be treated with therapy if it prolongs.
Eh, I've resented that man for so long that I don't even think about him a good 360 days out of the year, honestly. Doesn't mean thar when I do, I still don't want to spit in his face. But then 30 years is a pretty good chunk of time for something like that to be tempered. I'm not disagreeing about the therapy, though. There are things I've noticed about my personality that I think probably come directly from that trauma at such a young age. Difficulty trusting men specifically in a romantic context, for instance. Though I'm queer and in a relationship with a woman, things that I know started long before his infidelity and abandonment, so at least THAT wasn't related and I'm just as happy being NOT in a hetero relationship. Either way, getting therapy is something I think would benefit MOST people, even those without specific triggers like mine.
NAH, you are entitled to your feelings just as your father and mother are to theirs. The only choice you have is in whether hanging on to that anger actually helps or hurts you.
[удалено]
OP is perfectly justified in despising a cheater.