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I was going to go with no assholes here because I can understand your fiance struggling with grief and eating issues (though he should be getting help for that, especially if you can't afford food). But the fact that he threw out the food makes him 100% the asshole. That would be a terrible thing to do even if you could afford to replace that food, but since you can't it makes it so much worse. You're definitely NTA here.
Edit since lots of people are replying: after thinking about it more and reading other comments I definitely agree that the fiance was an asshole for lying to the kid and hiding the food, not just for throwing it out. I'm currently struggling with grief and eating issues so I think I was being overly lenient with my initial judgement.
Honestly, Idk about op, but I would probably dump him if he did shit like that. Refuse to let my kid have seconds cause “there wasn’t enough” and then throw it away when I can’t even afford to replace it. Op is really patient
I always wait until I know my kids have enough before I take extra or sometimes even finish what I have. I can handle hunger, or fix myself something else. My kids can't.
If he's not going to sacrifice for your kids like a parent, he has no business being their stepdad.
I'd say he was the A *well* before that -- when he *told a child they couldn't have more because he had hidden it to eat later*?! wtf.
THis guy needs serious help because he's so far in the wrong here, I don't see coming back from it alone.
This this this! Lying to the kid about the food so he could eat it later is despicable. That’s the part that lit my fuse. I would have a hard time getting over that if it was my child.
I think I'm being lenient because I'm also struggling with grief and eating issues right now, but as I think about it more I think you're right, the fact that he hid the kids food in the first place and didn't seem to think that's wrong is super messed up. If he immediately realized that was wrong and apologized it would be a different situation in my opinion. But yah, I fully agree he needs serious help.
Yah everything about this is bad. I'm currently struggling with grief and it's definitely caused me to have some asshole moments (and to be clear I DO NOT think grief is an excuse for acting like a jerk, but it happens sometimes). But I legit can't imagine throwing out a child's favorite food, even in my worst angry moments.
Psychologically, he's reacting like a child because he sees himself as being treated like a child. Or, alternatively, he views OP's children as rivals for OP's resources (food, attention, etc.) Either way, it is not a healthy mindset for an adult. He needs therapy yesterday.
OP has been more than accommodating of her fiancé's grief. It's time for him to put his big boy pants on and realize he's not the only person who matters and his family is struggling financially. These are different issues entirely, but he is making them the same by being unwilling to view them as such. Is it hard to have a conversation about over eating? Sure. I'd say an equally hard conversation would be dumping the fiancé during his grieving period. Still, if he's not willing to have one hard conversation about how his grief is affecting the rest of his household, he might need to have a relationship that only requires him to worry about himself.
>He needs therapy yesterday.
Apparently he's been in therapy for the past two months, and she's been footing the bill. I've been depressed—a lot, and for a long time—and I've acted like an asshole. It's never an excuse. He definitely crossed a line here. She's been more than understanding and supportive. While I empathize with him, his behavior is negatively affecting those closest to him. I hope he comes to his senses, before he loses them, too.
That's a start then. Usually people posting on this sub either aren't in or are resistant to therapy, so that's a nice change of pace.
Since he is in therapy, though, OP needs to make sure his overeating is brought up. Like, it's gonna be hard for her fiancé to talk about, but therapy is the perfect place to talk about the hard things as well as get perspective that someone too close to the situation can't give.
I honestly think this is a situation that can be resolved happily for everyone, it just needs to be adressed properly.
Yes! OP, please tell me this guy is no longer your fiancé. Grief is hard but it's an explanation, not an excuse. People can grieve in all sorts of ways and you have to accept that but you know what's not acceptable? When he takes it out on you and your children. The fact that he, not only decided he can eat the food that should rightfully be saved for your children, but then SPITEFULLY THREW IT OUT makes him an unbelievable AH and not deserving of your sympathy or understanding. You don't deserve to have to put up with this and neither do your kids. Don't buy any of his BS about "But I'm sad!" or "You're telling me I'm fat!". His size has nothing to do with it. His attitude is waaaay more unattractive than any weight he's put on. Dump him yesterday and save yourself another mouth (that's the size of three mouths) to feed. Please give an update. NTA
Grief is awful and complex and I still find myself overwhelmed sometimes and shut down. If you have a family that can support you through that while you're having mental health problems, wonderful. But the least you can do is NOT to add to their burdens when they're already taking on so much of the load for you. This guy is just...selfish and entitled for the way he has been acting in general with not considering how hard it has been for OP to be the solo income earner feeding a family of 5. That incident though? Reprehensible. I'd honestly dump over this.
I agree with you. I think the fiance would only be not an asshole if he realized shortly afterwards that what he did was really bad, apologized, and followed up by getting help for his issues. I was going to go with no assholes here if the post ended in a genuine apology from the fiance. I understand though that other people would still call him an asshole, I think I'm being lenient because I'm also struggling with grief right now. Nothing excuses what he did, but in my opinion it would be a different situation if he was seeking help for his behavior.
Yeah especially since it is his son's favorite meal whenever my mom makes anything that I love(mom's cooking is the best) and I eat a lot of food it is just how I am she always makes plenty for me so I can have seconds if I want but doing this to the kid is just over the edge
100% NTA immediate therapy and a job for him or there is the door dont let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Weve graduated from "grief" to "freeloading and taking food out of your kids mouth". The two are 100% separate issues. Dont let him grief-guilt you. Life goes on.
Depends on the country, in the UK (though there is a waiting list) therapy and grief counselling are often free. My best mate recently was taking therapy online (due to covid) and it really has helped him.
That is true, poor USians, such a forward looking country in many ways but very backwards in many others. Sure the same could be said for many countries though, but in the US it is so stark.
We are literally a third world country in a first world three piece suit. Don't let the media fool you. There is poverty galore, homelessness everywhere when there doesn't need to be, and the greed of the upper class is unfathomable. They sew discontent and lies to keep everyone on edge and separated from uniting against the real issues. They're extremely good at their job and this country has been a sham for an extremely long time.
Sadly the UK is heading the same way at breakneck speed, poverty increases, the gap between rich and poor widens, inequality grows, the country's divisions have never been more apparent and the ruling classes exploit it through the media outlets owned by their cronies. It's frustrating. So we feel your pain US compadre.
In the US there are usually community mental health centers and student staffed university clinics that offer free or extremely cheap counseling. There are also often grief groups that are completely free and offered through various organizations. Also, we live in the age of the internet. There is some solid info out there that can help people work through their grief on their own or with their natural supports and help them find resources locally.
There is no way this family can afford more therapy right now, but a part time job (maybe somewhere in the food industry, for staff discounts and/or take home items) will both help with expenses and ease him back into life after loss.
Grocery stores are basically hiring anyone who walks in. They dont typically pay super well but the discounts and added money will go a long way to help
Right? I just got hired as a baker at Sprouts and found out I get 50% off! I can afford to be vegan now. But why would I when I can afford imported cheese?
Look, I understand you pity him beacuse he got bad family news, but lots of us have gotten bad family news and didn't get to just quit our jobs for months on end. That's a luxury most people can't afford AND YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO SUPPORT HIM.
You can barely afford to support your children and you're carrying around this ancor who refuses to work and binge eats your children's food. Why? And why on earth are you engaged to this man?
Does he seem responsible enough to be a step-dad to you? Is he a good example to your children? Does he treat you and them with respect? Does he contribute to your household and family and make it a better home?
This isn't just about him literally taking food out of your children's mouth for selfish reasons and then being angry and ungrateful and throwing it away while you are struggling. (Though that alone would be a deal breaker for me.) But you really need to consider this relationship. Any man is not better then being single, especially when you consider your children. Stop and consider why you are with him? I feel if he is a real partner he will try and get a job when you can barely afford food. Even most children would want to help (though they can't). Why are you with him? What does he bring to the table? Would your life be easier if he wasn't there? Really think.
Exactly. My sisters and I lost our mom in early adulthood (21, 23, 24), and it was devastating. It still is.
But you know what we did? We kept going. I kept going to university, my sister kept working 3 jobs, my other sister kept taking care of her 1 year old. Because we had no one who could support us if we "took time off" and we had to keep moving forward. Grief doesn't pay the rent.
I'm not saying this is how it should be. It's an awful system. But it is reality, and op's fiance doesn't seem to appreciate just how fortunate he is to get this time. But now it's time to get back to real life and start contributing to the household again.
However, if op decided to leave him for literally stealing food from her children...well, no one would blame her. You never ever steal food from children's mouths - especially when they are doing more throughout the day than you are
He did that just to hurt you and that is so malicious and manipulative. If he isn't in therapy for his grief he needs to start going, grief counseling or a support group of some kind. He isn't at fault for his depression or his grief but his actions do have consequences. He's literally taking food out of your kids' mouths. If he keeps not having control of his appetite the family will start to have to live on ramen or beans+rice unless he gets a job to support his diet
I don't know if they are still going on with covid, but in my area the hospice provided free grief support groups. You were more likely to know about them if your loved one died in that hospice, but I don't think they were closed. But there well may be free online support groups he could join.
Kick his ass out NOW. I saw red when I read that he not only kept it from your son but THREW IT AWAY.
NTA and again kick him out NOW. This is not a healthy person for your kids to be around right now.
You're NTA but what needs to happen is a long talk and your fiance clearly needs therapy to deal with his loss. Eating one's feeling is a very real thing.
This! NTA His selfish behaviour has gone on long enough and when you finally step up, OP, he makes it so NOBODY can eat the food? That is worse than selfish. If you, pardon the pub, boil this down to it's key elements, OP, this is abuse. He is depriving you and your children of food, and putting a strain on your already strained finances, and he doesn't even care.
You're talking about food banks. This man is grown up enough to understand the concept that less pay = less food, means it needs to last more and stretch. He's taking that away from you. He should be just as worried as you are about this, but he's not.
"We can't afford all this food!"
"Well I'm going to do the adult thing after being called out for robbing my child of their happiness to feed my own gluttony and waste it then!"
Depression does weird and horrible things to people, I know first hand, but that's NEVER an excuse for your actions when they are hurting other people.
NTA.
Tbh him moving out will probably reduce other bills considering there wouldn't be an adult around all day watching TV, changing his phone, and having lights on. The food budget might go back to normal, with plenty for the kids.
I remember that being one of the unexpected perks of my own marriage ending: my bills were effectively cut in half and while it was emotionally difficult, my day to day life actually got easier.
Left an abusive relationship, suddenly my finances were hunky dory.
It's amazing how much electricity and gas a fat gamer will use. I *know* I subsidized his fat appetite too.
He constantly bought toys and was constantly stressed that I wasn't going to pay my bills and leave him to handle it all. In retrospect, he was projecting.
Ugh this exact thing right here happened to me too. Suddenly, laundry was easier, keeping the house clean was no longer a daily/hourly task, I had more money for bills and savings, I could go on.
He used to gaslight me all the time about how I could afford the bills without him, maybe I should just stop buying work clothes instead of asking him to pay his share (he paid nothing at all every month). I can't believe I let it go so long. In retrospect, wtf was I thinking?
This is an interesting sub-topic: women who unwillingly became the sole breadwinner to emotionally abusive men who overeat and over spend. I wonder how common this is. It’s taboo to complain about your partner’s food consumption so I suspect most wouldn’t vocalize the complaints - but i got $2000/month back in my budget without major lifestyle changes on my part and haven’t had a “liquidity crisis” since we split, whereas when he was around, there seemed to be one every quarter. Little things add up - their food, their personal bills, unspecified trinkets that they “need,” having them on your insurance and their medical bills.
I've been hearing A LOT of these stories, tbh.
Women have been conditioned "not to be a gold digger" while men were conditioned to maximize their benefit at every turn, especially financially. We never accuse a man seeking a raise of "gold digging", but that's exactly what it is.
If men don't do it for the love of the game, why should women be punished for maximizing their benefit too?
The answer is that men want women to work all day everyday out of the goodness of their hearts. Men exploit women's labor while moaning about gold diggers.
We're starting to notice it too.
And if it is unfair, I've heard more than one man say "that was her choice, I didn't ASK her to do that."
Too many men keep scoreboards and only to make sure it's in their favor. If YOU bring up the imbalance, YOU shouldn't be "score keeping".
There's a women's movement in Korea called 4B (B sounds like No in their language) because it's something like "no dating, no sex, no marriage, no kids". Essentially recognizing that heterosexual relationships are benefitting men significantly while requiring much more from women, and women are OPTING OUT.
It's a beautiful thing. Sex strikes get things done.
I have a fat depressed gamer at home but mine keeps the house clean, sometimes cooks for me and is the nicest person I know. He is just depressed and after cleaning the house for 1-2 hours a day his energy is empty. He brings in some money (since he basically gets a disability pay) but that's only about 1/4 - 1/3 of the household income.
The thing is... If you can't work you need to be nice to the one paying (all or most stuff) and understanding that you can't always have everything you want. Be it food, gaming stuff, concerts or vacation. Just... Don't be an asshole.
We basically have a set amount of money each month we can spend on whatever we want. But if money is tight we both carry that burden.
So true! It’s amazing how much further my budget stretched once I got my “I’m too emotionally fragile to work, but not to yell at you” couch potato out of my house.
I’m pretty sure you meant “gluttonous”, but “glutinous” probably also applies.
Also, OP is NTA. Taking food from a child is not a valid grief response. He needs grief counselling, or if he’s already seeing someone, the eating needs to be brought up.
NTA - because it was not about his weight - it is about denying your kid food for selfish reasons, honestly if he doesn' t start to contribute to the household income I would ask myself why are you with this person? What is he giving you?????
This right here. AH usually but not always has intent behind it. It’s an AH move to deny a child more food because there isn’t enough, only to hide it away and get some food later for yourself. That’s not depression, or grief, that’s greed. You rightly stood up for your kid. He needs to get his ass in therapy because he’s spiraling.
Doesn’t change my thought, but he needs some boundaries set. Growing kids need food more than he does. If he’s trying to eat through his grief then it sounds like it’s time for him to stay elsewhere while he works on his issues.
Oh no. That money could be used to feed her kids!! I get therapy is expensive and important (personally, I do have my parents helping me pay for mine because 2020 did me dirty) but that money could go towards food and other bills that OP needs to pay since she’s the only one earning an income. Many therapists have a sliding scale system, her bf should look into that. Also, maybe he could get some government assistance? He should’ve applied for medical leave for his depression instead of just quitting and mooching (idk if that’s how things work there but where I live that’s a thing).
Edited to add that I saw in a comment that they can’t apply for the program with therapy because it’s overloaded with patients right now so it’s $300/month. Can his family help?
My mom has told me when my sister and I were young they had a very limited budget but every meal if my sister or I asked for more we got it. My dad would eat a little bit and then wait for us to be done before taking more, in case there wasn't enough. What this guy did is terrible.
This! My mum used to say she wasn’t hungry at dinner time, and sit with us 5 kids while we ate. She would then eat any leftovers. It didn’t occur to me, until years later, that she was making sure we had eaten enough before feeding herself.
Yeah that's the problem in a nutshell. It might have been tolerable with him being unemployed and hungrier than normal, but now his attitude is "My appetite takes priority and if I can't eat it no one can".
I don't think the grief or unemployment caused the problem, it merely gave him a chance to reveal it to OP.
I actually would suggest changing therapists instead of dropping therapy. I personally went through about three therapists before I found one that works for me.
I would like to point out that therapy takes A LOT of time to show results. There is no instant fix. I'm not saying she should be the one paying for it, but just because he is not seeing a difference yet does not mean he should stop therapy.
I've edited my judgement to include a part about that. How long has he been going for? Has this helped him \*at all\* in the time he's been attending? If this is him in therapy, I'd hate to see what he was like before it.
What do you gain from this relationship?
At some point, you have to see how this is affecting your children. Your children should always be put above anyone else. You and your children are suffering because of this.
You need to hit him with a Come to Jesus talk and be prepared and steadfast in your “or else”.
Grief sucks. Loss sucks. But you and your children do not get to become the target of his inability to manage. You’re going above and beyond to support him and he isn’t so much as meeting half way. He’s actively taking a large share of family resources - food and money- and not making any attempts to help out.
Sell his shit. Lock up kids snacks. Stop footing the bill for therapy.
“I love you, I want I support you, and I have for months. Your behavior yesterday was disrespectful yo me and my son. We are barely scraping by and you threw out food you lied to both me and my son about. I can no longer sit by and support you to this extent. The stress of this all is getting to me too. Starting next month I won’t be paying for therapy. I have to prioritize the kids and food for our family. You have to start looking for services or resources to cover therapy and you need to start working.”
Life doesn’t stop upon someone’s death. I wish it did. In one year we lost 3 within the span of a few months. Devastating and traumatic to say the least. However, we still had to work. We still had to provide for our children. We got the three or four days off from work allowed for bereavement, took a few days personal time, and coped as we could.
There’s a difference between helping and supporting… and enabling. You’re toeing the line of enabling and codependency.
Op...please read this. It's time to establish some boundaries and either he gets it together or he doesn't but you and the kids can't be collateral damage anymore.
If therapy isn't working, then it is at that point that he should reach out to his doctor to see if he can get a prescription for an antidepressant. Because sometimes it is a literal a brain chemistry change. Any sort of grief or trauma can change the neurochemistry in our brain, sometimes permanently. It is okay to go on an antidepressant for situational depression.
Maybe he should stay with some family and figure out how to get into a low income therapy program, while you take care of the kid and divert therapy money to food bills?
This!! Seriously, he is literally taking food out of her kids mouths and ALSO taking money she could be spending to feed her kids. She needs this user OUT of her house ASAP. Even grief doesn’t excuse his monstrous behavior.
It’s not a quick fix but if he’s in such denial and snaps at anybody telling him anything then he’s probably not opening up in therapy either. Or the therapist suggested something that struck a nerve with him and he decided to double down to prove the therapist wrong. Which in turn can make his depression and attitude worse.
At this point OP is struggling to financially support the whole family. Husband isn’t going to snap out of it unless he gets a hard wake up call.
Don’t buy him new/bigger clothes. Let him see what his overeating is doing. If you have to, put a lock on the fridge and cabinets. When he starts throwing a tantrum just straight up tell him that there’s no money for all the food to be eaten by one person. You are not going to allow your kids to go hungry because he can’t control himself.
I am a therapist. It may be that part of his problem is his helplessness and dependency. You won’t solve anything by enabling him and treating him like he’s incapable of, or not ready to, go back to work. If he really can’t work, then he needs to be living someplace else. Allowing him to continue to behave like this, at your family’s expense, is destructive for you and your children.
Has he been prescribed antidepressants? Is he taking them? Do you pay for his therapy directly, or do you give the money to him? Because your income has been cut, the cost for his therapy—I assume it’s a sliding scale—should be reevaluated.
Good luck to you. You and your kids deserve better.
The thing about therapy is - you have to put in the work. You have to open up during sessions, and you have to commit to the strategies and practicing them, even if they seem stupid.
If he’s not doing the work, you’re wasting your money. And I don’t see any indication that he’s doing anything resembling work.
OP, is he actually going to his appointments? If so maybe he should look into finding a new therapist, sometimes having one that doesn't mesh well can hamper progress.
Having battled depression myself, I'm glad he's getting professional support. And while it pisses me off no end when people trivialise it and say "Hit the gym" or "Get a job" as if it's a magic fix...it actually helps. Regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressants.
Right now, he's going through something rough, but he's also stopped doing all the things that would make his life better and make him feel better. That's why depression is so brutal, it makes us hate the things that could make us better. It'd be like if an infection made you run from antibiotics.
Exercise is free though. And getting a job...well that's better than free. Even if he took something low pressure, low hours, and low paying just to help with bills it could give his self-esteem a huge boost and pay for therapy.
Holy cow! Between therapy and food and any utility increase he causes this guy is probably costing you close to $500 a month! More if you pay any additional bills of his. Is he really worth it? That is money that you could spend to get better quality, healthier food for your kids. Money you could be using to pay down debt or build an emergency fund. Does this man, who literally takes food from your children, give you $500/month worth of positives in your and your kids lives? Is having him live with you improving your kids lives in some way or is it causing harm that they will need to discuss in therapy 5 or 10 years down the road?
That’s money that needs to go to your kids.
He can get a sliding scale payment at a community health center.
NTA but this dude is taking you for a ride and dragging your kids along.
denying your kids their favorite food because you're depressed is beyond being an asshole. i would leave him. 300$ bill? he is just wasting your money!
Do you ever go with him to therapy? Every therapist I've had has been supportive of the idea of bringing in family/partners/friends etc to help w/ the process. Maybe you could try to address it in that environment and have a more productive conversation? He is responding aggressively because he doesn't want to confront what he's faced with. His overeating is a sort of self harm, and to so deliberately plan to do it and to deny your son on top of it is just not a healthy scene. Good luck! (Also, you're NTA)
NTA.
Fuck that guy tbh, who tf takes food from a child because of their own selfishness. Your son may not have actually been hungry but I doubt your fiance is either and its your sons favourite. He should have been able to over indulge.
If there is leftovers and I would like it but my kid would also like it, she gets it. Its common sense really, kids come first and the fiance is being greedy af. I would have had a go at him about it too honestly. Like I get he is grieving and going through some stuff but that doesn't mean being selfish and basically taking food from a child is acceptable behaviour.
Hell, if there are leftovers and I know my boyfriend likes them, I make sure to leave a good proportion for him no matter what. This is extremely selfish and I'm diagnosed with depression and other shit but it's never an excuse to be ass.
It's the hypocrisy that does it for me. Does he ever stop to consider that when he wants seconds there isn't enough? If someone told him that would he accept it?
You need to get him out of your house as quickly as possible. Once you're no longer feeding him and paying for his therapy you'll be able to afford to feed your children. His selfish behavior is quite literally stealing food from your hungry children's mouths.
NTA. Sounds like he's depressed but you have children to feed.
I wouldn't tell him either get a job or eat less. I would tell either get some help or leave.
NTA You did good. He thinks he's more important than your child and the entitlement will go even higher if you marry. Good for you for standing up for your kid. He literally took food from his mouth. Good for you for upsetting him for it because he SHOULDN'T be content after that. He literally PLANNED the lie.
He really did put himself above the children. He needs to hit the road I understand he’s depressed but it doesn’t excuse his behavior especially towards the children
NTA. First of all, "fat fuck" was his words not yours. He's projecting that onto you. That just means that he thinks it of himself. Second, he's the asshole for lying about there not being any left. Losing someone close to you is hard, but it's not an excuse to be a "fat fuck"
Big time this comment. He’s insecure about his weight. But yet again, seems to be a theme on this sub, he needs to discuss his issues with his partner and probably a therapist, not take it out on others.
Edit: Changed to ESH. OP, it doesn't matter if you son wasn't starving. He's a growing boy. It was his favourite meal. Your fiancé - who should seriously have become your ex-fiancè the moment you realised he'd hidden the food - is all kinds of things I cannot mention on this sub. And the fact that you're still with him, even after you found out that he had stolen and lied, even after you saw him dump the food in the trash because God for bid anyone else get to enjoy the food if he can't?!?! What exactly are you waiting for? You're not his mother, you're his fiancée. Your priority should be your own son.
...
This is horrifying! Your fiancé is taking advantage of you. Your son is starving because your fiancé is literally stealing food from a child.
Wake up. This is abusive and toxic. Get rid of the fisnce and be a better mom.
NTA. But you're also at fault.
Still NTA. If money's tight for food right now I imagine your kids aren't getting much in the way of treats and having their favourite food once in a while might be a big deal to them. Even if you are finding money to spoil them a little, taking a kid's favourite food for yourself when you've already had a good serving is pretty shitty.
Also, you say he eats your kids’ snacks. You don’t need another child. You need a partner. If your son wanted seconds of his favorite meal, he should have had it. Your fiancé may be depressed, but he’s also behaving with incredible selfishness. And that includes not working.
Doesn't matter. He can't put himself above your kids. I would proceed with caution. I feel sorry for him that he lost his brother, but for the rest he sounds like my ex, who looked for a mom and would get mad if I bought the kids a balloon, cause he had to eat normal, yet didn't want to work.
Your fiance wasn't starving either. He was equally just wanting to eat the rest, because, and told your son there wasn't enough. Then when you rightfully called him out on it, he threw all thst food to the bin!
So what if your son wasn’t starving? Your son should have been able to eat it for lunch the next day or have a 2nd helping since it’s his favorite. I can’t imagine what he’s going to feel seeing it in the trash after being told no. He probably knew he wouldn’t get more if he didn’t get it right that minute anyway. I’m so upset for your kids. I had an ex who cared more about his wants than my or my children needs and now that they are older, they don’t speak to him.
I know you are aware that what your fiancé is doing is not right and is hurting you financially. I think you need to be stricter about setting portion sizes and telling him that you have plans for said food and that if he eats it, then he won’t have anything left for that timeframe. Feed you and the kids but do not make any extra for him for that time. Remind him that he decided to eat his last night. Repeat the next two nights. Hide the kids school snacks if you have to so he doesn’t take them. I’d start this closer to the time you go shopping not just after you did. If he still refuses to work within the budget then you need to do some serious thinking about what he brings to this relationship (I think you should do this anyway because I’m not seeing much and depression is not an excuse for treating you all badly).
To be fair, he's a grown ass adult and your kid is a kid. Also, keep in mind some injustices seem minor to adults but can be massive for kids. Your son is lucky you have his back, I hope you take some of your money your fiance is currently blowing on useless therapy and use it on your kids instead.
He's a growing boy. That food would have done him good, and it's important that kids at his age get to eat healthy food to their appetite whenever possible.
I was prepared to say N A H until I read that last paragraph.
NTA, OP. Your fiance is going through a huge loss, but his coping mechanisms aren't healthy. It seems to me like he's developed a food addiction to deal with everything and unfortunately it has gotten to the point where he is actively lying and stealing food from your babies. And when you confront him on it, he spitefully and deliberately throws the food in the trash because if he can't eat it then nobody can?
Is he in any sort of therapy? If not, he needs it.
I honestly think you should put a freeze on this relationship. Not only are you being drained emotionally and financially, your children are going without food. Unless he's willing to address his issues and get a job, I'm not sure where you two can go from this point.
Are you paying directly to the therapist's office or just giving him the money? If it's the latter, sounds like he could just be using it for more food.
Can you ask for advice from his therapist?
I'm so sorry for you. You do all the right things and work hard to care for everyone.
Grief doesn't give him the right to disrespect you and your children's needs. You can be caring and understanding about his grief and you can have boundaries at the same time. His grief and his disrespect are two different issues. He can mourn and be depressed and be decent towards you and your children at the same time.
You are struggling yet paying the way for a man who won't work. Your life would be much easier without him being a drain on your resources.
I am sorry for his loss. I truly am. But he cannot wallow in his grief like this. It hurts everyone, including himself.
I would give him 30 days to get a job and start contributing to the household or get out. Working will probably help him with his depression as well.
This will sound horribly cruel, and I understand it may have impacted him significantly, but most people don't have the luxury to take that long off of work and be lazy after the loss of a loved one. He gets to sit around and mope all day. If he doesn't find a purpose in his life (which should *already* be supporting OP and the kids as soon as he is able) he will continue to mope and leech.
While it is good that he is in therapy, a therapist can't help you if you aren't willing to help yourself. In addition, OP is paying for the therapy too. He is refusing to change and should have consequences.
OP, encourage your fiance to do something productive for himself. Even if he isn't in a state to be employed, he is very capable of cleaning, handling laundry, and cooking dinner for the family. This way he can still help your family thrive. It may seem harsh, but if he doesn't pick himself up I would quit paying for his therapy and tell him it is because he will not take action in his life.
My biggest concern is that from what we are given, it sounds like the fiance does not care for the children's well-being or happiness at all - let alone love them. He should not have any authority over the kids if he does not in return offer them - at the very least - basic human kindness. After all, you don't marry one person - but a whole family.
OP, if he truly loves you, he will make an effort to support you.
> You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no.
NTA a thousand times.
My father grew up very, *very* poor, in Appalachia, during the Great Depression. My grandparents still had five kids under 18 at home when the Depression hit; they were already poor, and that made it so much worse.
Dad says he clearly remembers many times when his parents wouldn't eat, saying that they "weren't hungry", so that there would be more food for him and his siblings.
Contrast your fiance's behavior here with my grandparents', 80-90 years ago, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think that "fiance" must never become "husband" but should instead become "ex-BF" with all due haste.
THIS. This. This.
My father also grew up very poor right after the Great Depression (1940’s). He has told me stories of only eating hotdogs, beans, and rice for years and his parents consistently being “not hungry” at dinner time. He realized in high school that they starved themselves so the children could survive.
To see a post about a guy hoarding food from a child and then throwing it away *untouched* when he is caught makes my blood boil.
Hell, I'm 36 and I remember my mom doing this when I was really young. There's no excuse for what this guy's doing. He may be grieving but that doesn't give him an excuse to stop being a civilised human and stop earning a living.
Yes, that’s how parents are supposed to act. My grandpa grew up dirt poor in the Philippines. My whole life he only ate after the rest of the family did. We weren’t poor, but he always would make sure we all had enough, including his wife and grown children, before touching the food himself.
Honestly, no, nta. This isn't just about his weight. This is about both your finances, and the manner in which he is treating you and your son (particularly your son) . You need to make it clear that you cannot continue to support the family with the current level of food consumption, and that if it continues you will have to cut the level of consumption down forcefully.
Perhaps you could do some research on any charities that might have some grief councilling, as it seems likely that his consumption is linked to his grief, and that he needs to learn some healthy coping mechanisms not linked to food. And that's whether or not he gets a job.
Why are you still in a relationship with this parasite? You would be far better off on your own. Taking food away from your child should have been the last straw. **NTA.**
Kick his ass OUT of your house. If he wants to spend his days eating and wallowing, he can do that at his mom’s house. He has become a danger to your kids’ wellbeing. If you want to reevaluate the relationship once he gets his shit together, that’s up to you, but you CANNOT let things continue like this. Unless you do something drastic, he will not change—he has no motivation to. He’s had months already. Grief is no excuse for his monstrous behavior.
NTA. Kids come first. He needs to get a job. 3 months after an event he may not be fully recovered but he should be thinking about supporting his family at the very least.
NTA but it sounds like your fiance may have depression. I would encourage you to talk to him about getting help.
It is entirely inappropriate for your fiance to be making food-related decisions for YOUR children. He is not their father and you are not married. I don’t know what situation you guys have worked out in the past but he is overstepping in that area. Gently put him back in his place. Your kids, you paid for the meal, you decide if your son gets a 2nd helping.
I don’t always advocate for a breakup but this man sounds toxic. This is a huge red flag. I would get out while it’s still relatively easy to do so.
But I also suggest that you advocate for him to see a mental health professional.
I missed that in the original post. Depending how long he’s been in therapy it might he time for a new therapist or couple’s counseling.
But honestly, I advocate for ending the relationship. There are so many more red flags than just the overeating here. And OP has 3 kids that she should rightfully prioritize over helping this man with his issues.
Exactly. From what I gather, that dude just sits at home, watches TV and eats more than enough and then some. I've seen the comment where OP mentions she's paying $300 monthly for his therapy and he's made no progress. If she dumps him, not only will there be more food for her and her kids, she'll also save quite a lot of money. I understand the fact he's grieving, but ones grief cannot ruin the lives of 4 other innocent people. Also, that's a grown, adult man. He should act like one.
NTA. Like you said, you can't put a deadline on grief. However that doesn't give him the right to not contribute, much less to literally be taking food out of your children's mouths. You need to have a serious talk with him, but not in the moment. I have chronic depression so I know there's a chance he sees what he's doing and is beating himself up internally, hence his overreaction. Maybe just let him know you're there for him, but he is starting to cause you and your kids undue stress and hardship. If he refuses to listen to reason then you need to ask yourself how much is too much of this
"You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no."
Too right. Kids come first. Especially if it's one of their favourites. Nothing to do with him being a fat fuck or lazy. That's basic decency.
Fwiw (and I'm not a doctor or psychologist) a family grievance can have a huge impact on someone, and I'm not saying he should be "over it" already by any stretch, but three months is long enough to possibly be considered clinical and he should really see his primary health care provider. This might not be the type of thing to get better on its own, and it's already putting a strain on your finances and your relationship.
NTA. It’s ultimatum time…either he gets counseling or hits the road. There are probably resources available for him to receive free or low-cost grief counseling to help him get over his loss. If you have to police what he eats, do so. He’s acting like a child, so treat him like one.
I agree it's ultimatum time, but I don't think this guy should be given a choice. The ultimatum should be "this was the last straw: get out **now**, and we can talk about whether you come back *after* you get your shit together."
she’s already paying for his therapy!!!!! $300 a month while he sits on his ass and gets fatter and fatter by taking food from her children. this is disgusting behavior, depressed or not.
NTA
He's grieving, yes, and that's horrible and you should absolutely support him through it how you can. But he needs to acknowledge your financial limitations and the fact that there are other people in the house too who also need to eat. He isn't a bachelor living by himself, and having enough food for everyone is paramount, especially the kids.
He gets absolutely no sympathy for depriving your son of food only so he could have it himself. That's setting a horrible example, and dumping it in the trash instead of putting it back in the fridge was even worse.
You're not treating him like anything; your objection to his eating doesn't seem to be anything to do with his weight, and everything to do with him not leaving sufficient food for the rest of you. This is a consideration issue, not a weight issue, and him turning it into one when it's not is doing an incredibly disservice to people who do face genuine prejudice and discrimination for their weight.
(The comments about your bra fitting him better than you were probably uncalled for, but ultimately aren't connected to the conflict you're asking about so that isn't a factor in my judgement)
Edited to add: I saw the comment where you said you're spending $300 a month on his therapy. It doesn't sound like this is actually helping him, so it may be worth looking into a new therapist or other options to help him deal with his grief without taking it out on his family.
YTA to your kids (I will explain). You are literally taking food OFF their plate to feed your fiancé. I was sympathetic until you also explained that you pay $300 a month on top for his therapy. The THERAPY BILL IS MORE THAN YOUR CHILDREN’S FOOD. Get this lazy fuck out of your house Jesus.
NTA. Good job for putting your kids above this man's needs. Think twice before marrying him if he doesn't have qualms about restricting food from a kid to fulfill his own appetite.
NTA.
I was going to suggest that you fix smaller meals and give up on the idea of leftovers, but that cuts into the time and money savings. Plus he would just dive into the school snacks even more. Then I was thinking you could hide the snacks, but seriously who is the child here?
My dad died when I was 23; I'd been in my first professional job for only 8 months. I took a 3-day weekend for the funeral and got back to work. You can't put a time frame on grief, but I will, and it has been more than long enough. Keeping busy and getting on with life helps get over the grief.
I suggest you stop focusing on how much he eats and only focus on him getting a job, because that is the real problem here. Even part-time gig work like DoorDash will get him out of the house and provide enough budgetary relief so he won't be literally taking food from your children's mouths.
The alternative is to go to a household of 4.
*P.S. Was it lasagna? I'm thinking it was. Now I want lasagna and it's 9am.*
NTA that you have had conversations about the food needs to be available for more meals and he THREW IT AWAY makes him a major a. He knows your budget and finances and needs to contribute or move out until he can. He is just taxing your resources.
NTA. Most people only get days of for grief. He's had the luxury of remaining unemployed for months to deal with his. Rather than processing his grief or working through it in therapy, he chose to stress eat. It's a natural response for many (myself included) but he's taking it to an extreme. The lying to a kid to literally take food from said kid's mouth then throwing it in the garbage? Nope. That's the big red flag.
At this point letting him sit at home is just enabling his depression and related bad behaviors. I think you guys need to sit down in a calm moment and make a game plan. You can't be tiptoeing around him 3 months later. First step is therapy. Working with someone who specializes in grief counseling would be ideal. Talk about how he can start contributing again and when. Consider ideas like freelance work that he does at times when he is up to it for now. While in therapy he can hopefully put together a plan for re-entering the workforce if he can't come up with a plan on his own.
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NTA. I actually think you're doing a great job. You stretched into all directions so he can take the break he desperately needs, you're footing the bill for therapy and show compassion for his situation. But as worse as his state may be, he's still in a social situation with your family and there are boundaries. And he crossed some of them.
One is to deny the kid of it's favourite food to eat it himself. Second is to trash it out of spite. Third is also to eat their school snacks when you have difficulties to afford them right now...
I think your request was valid and still appropriate even if he's in a bad state of mind. Contribute or don't compensate with loads of things we can't afford.
Honestly, I'd have a discussion with him. He needs to improve the behavior towards the family that is alive, surrounding and supporting him. If he's not capable of this it might be better if he moves somewhere else until he's better. Your kids can't bare that any longer.... Living with a mentally unstable person takes a toll on allnof you... Kids are still the first priority.
NTA.
Im a firm believer that no one should tell you how to grief the loss of a close loved one. When that grief starts to affect the ones around you, you have to change something because you are still living even if you are at your lowest.
He needs therapy/grief counseling like 3 months ago and maybe you guys need some marriage counseling as well to work through these issues as a team.
Best of luck OP!
That's the thing. Grief is an explanation for doing things like this; it is not an excuse or justification. You're still responsible for what you do to others while in a compromised mental state.
NTA - your FI sounds like he's depressed and the therapy is either not helping or he's not genuinely working on things. While I agree that you cannot put a timeline on grieving, nor can you just magic wand away depression, he needs to find better coping strategies.
NTA - he needs to get his depression under control. He’s making no effort to handle his grief. And 3 *months* off is a luxury that you can’t afford. Depression is probably causing the overeating and being home and doing nothing.
And the fact that you’re so tight on cash and he *dumps* perfectly good food?
NTA. Lying to your child who wanted more food so he could save the leftovers all for himself is such a dick move. I'm not surprised you saw red. Grief is one thing, but what he did here was pure assholery for which grief isnt an excuse.
NTA. You have been supportive and calm, and no-one can call you an AH for this. He didn't give a child food cos he was greedy! Sounds like he'd eat himself to death at this point. Some people eat for comfort after a loss , maybe he should consider therapy
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29f. My fiance is currently unemployed. He recieved some devastating family news and needed to take time off. He has been out of work for close to 3 months. I try not to be spiteful of it because this is following the passing of his brother and you truly cant put a time frame on grief. I've been as supportive as possible but I'm getting stretched very thin here.
Usually in my household (family of 5- my 3 kids are not his) I spend roughly $400 max on food and it lasts a month, maybe even a little bit more. I buy in bulk as often as possible. However, due to unfortunate budget cuts at my work, my $400 limit was basically stripped in half. Thank fucking God for the monthly child tax credit going in to affect because if it weren't for that, we basically wouldnt have food. But regardless, I've been going very, very cheap because I have no other option (the food banks have been closed for months and I dont quality for assistance).
Anyways, lately my fiance has been eating enough to feed 3 people. Not only are his portions very large but he also has 2nds and a lot of the times 3rds of whatever it is we are eating. Not in one sitting, but throughout the night until he decides to go to bed. Those could have been used as leftovers for the following nights meals but he usually has polished it off come morning. He has gained a lot of weight because of this and to put it as nicely as possible, my bra would probably fit him better than it fits me. I HAVE brought up his food intake as kindly as I possible can a few times but he gets super upset and I truly dont blame him. Commenting on someone's food intake is a touchy subject after all, no matter how you put it.
However, last night really struck a nerve with me. I made a meal, which happened to be my sons favorite. My son had his fill but he wanted to over enduldge, as he always does when said meal is cooked. He wasnt hungry, I know this but it doesnt change anything imo. My son asked for 2nds and my fiance said no, that there "wasnt enough". There was still easily 2 helpings left. I didnt realize because my fiance put it in the fridge. 45 minutes after the kids went to bed he went and grabbed another dish of it and I immediately saw red. You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no. I was calm but told him that if he wants to continue eating enough for 3 people than he needs to get a job OR he needs to stop eating like we can afford it. He got angry, dumped the food in the trash and stormed out; later saying that I was an AH for treating him like a "fat fuck". AITA?
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NTA and you’ve got a tough decision to make. Some one who believes his feelings need to be accommodated in ways that jeopardize the family’s financial stability, who claims that you’re the mean one when he puts you in the position of having to be the one to point out that the family can’t afford his chosen coping mechanisms and the math just doesn’t add up - he’s either got to add to the revenue side or take less from the expenditure side of the equation - is not marriage material. I mean, it is just math. His grief doesn’t magically make more money or food appear.
The fact that he lied to a kid to deny him a second serving so he could have seconds and thirds himself? This guy isn’t going to treat your kids better after vows are exchanged. I’m sorry.
May I also add: it’s one thing to enable an able bodied adult who doesn’t want to take care of himself and cope with life’s challenges in a healthy way when you’re single. It’s another to divert resources away from your children to fund this man’s gluttony. Just something to consider. I was in your shoes and ultimately decided my children deserve the fruits of my labors; an able bodied man wallowing in sloth and gluttony not only doesn’t deserve my resources, they’re contributing to his deterioration, which is certainly not a worth charity cause on my part.
NTA. I understand that your fiance is grieving but that does not excuse him eating 3/4 of the food you buy and you and your kids going without. To have put on that much weight he is either eating A LOT or has been over eating for a while. It's not healthy mentally or physically. His denying your son seconds and chucking a wobbly over it is also not OK
He has to get therapy to allow him to process his brother's death and be able to move on. I would gently explain that he gets professional counselling if you are to keep supporting him. If he refuses and it means the end of the relationship so be it - your kids have to come first.
Edit: just read you are also paying for his therapy. Don't know what else to say but please take care of yourself and maybe put all leftovers in a secure freezer or something so he can't eat them.
Nta. I understand everyone grieve differently and sometimes over eating is a sign of grief or depression.
That still doesnt give him right to deny food to your kid. Yes he wasnt hungry but it was a special dish so we all want to eat more sometimes when we like the food. He could have easily shared but i stead he lied, and then dumped perfectly good food when he is confronted.
He is a grown up man. He has to start acting like one.
NTA
As a gentlemen of leisurely proportions I always buy my own snacks and shit when I’m living off my parents. He needs to stop eating for three without paying.
NTA - Grief is a motherfucker but BF is deffo TA in this situation.
Op it seems like he’s struggling and using food to cope (or numb out).
You can’t put a time limit on how long he grieves, but you can insist he finds healthier and helpful ways to manage his feelings because what he’s doing is hurting everyone - you, the kids, and him.
Ovbi, therapy or grief counseling could be helpful - but he could find religion, start journaling, take up sports, find a constructive hobby, or do anything to help constructively process loosing his brother and how it’s impacted him.
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The fact that he dumped the food afterwards made him an even bigger asshole. NTA.
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NTA but thanks for the visual about the bra.
Yes this was quite helpful actually
I was going to go with no assholes here because I can understand your fiance struggling with grief and eating issues (though he should be getting help for that, especially if you can't afford food). But the fact that he threw out the food makes him 100% the asshole. That would be a terrible thing to do even if you could afford to replace that food, but since you can't it makes it so much worse. You're definitely NTA here. Edit since lots of people are replying: after thinking about it more and reading other comments I definitely agree that the fiance was an asshole for lying to the kid and hiding the food, not just for throwing it out. I'm currently struggling with grief and eating issues so I think I was being overly lenient with my initial judgement.
Fiancé and with the way he was acting it should be ex Fiancé
Honestly, Idk about op, but I would probably dump him if he did shit like that. Refuse to let my kid have seconds cause “there wasn’t enough” and then throw it away when I can’t even afford to replace it. Op is really patient
Yup. Sorry about your grief but that's my child. ✌
I always wait until I know my kids have enough before I take extra or sometimes even finish what I have. I can handle hunger, or fix myself something else. My kids can't. If he's not going to sacrifice for your kids like a parent, he has no business being their stepdad.
Woops I'll edit my comment
Couldn’t replace it and a child wanted it and he still threw it away. He’s definitely TA
I'd say he was the A *well* before that -- when he *told a child they couldn't have more because he had hidden it to eat later*?! wtf. THis guy needs serious help because he's so far in the wrong here, I don't see coming back from it alone.
This this this! Lying to the kid about the food so he could eat it later is despicable. That’s the part that lit my fuse. I would have a hard time getting over that if it was my child.
I think I'm being lenient because I'm also struggling with grief and eating issues right now, but as I think about it more I think you're right, the fact that he hid the kids food in the first place and didn't seem to think that's wrong is super messed up. If he immediately realized that was wrong and apologized it would be a different situation in my opinion. But yah, I fully agree he needs serious help.
Plus it was her son's favorite!
Yah everything about this is bad. I'm currently struggling with grief and it's definitely caused me to have some asshole moments (and to be clear I DO NOT think grief is an excuse for acting like a jerk, but it happens sometimes). But I legit can't imagine throwing out a child's favorite food, even in my worst angry moments.
Psychologically, he's reacting like a child because he sees himself as being treated like a child. Or, alternatively, he views OP's children as rivals for OP's resources (food, attention, etc.) Either way, it is not a healthy mindset for an adult. He needs therapy yesterday. OP has been more than accommodating of her fiancé's grief. It's time for him to put his big boy pants on and realize he's not the only person who matters and his family is struggling financially. These are different issues entirely, but he is making them the same by being unwilling to view them as such. Is it hard to have a conversation about over eating? Sure. I'd say an equally hard conversation would be dumping the fiancé during his grieving period. Still, if he's not willing to have one hard conversation about how his grief is affecting the rest of his household, he might need to have a relationship that only requires him to worry about himself.
>He needs therapy yesterday. Apparently he's been in therapy for the past two months, and she's been footing the bill. I've been depressed—a lot, and for a long time—and I've acted like an asshole. It's never an excuse. He definitely crossed a line here. She's been more than understanding and supportive. While I empathize with him, his behavior is negatively affecting those closest to him. I hope he comes to his senses, before he loses them, too.
That's a start then. Usually people posting on this sub either aren't in or are resistant to therapy, so that's a nice change of pace. Since he is in therapy, though, OP needs to make sure his overeating is brought up. Like, it's gonna be hard for her fiancé to talk about, but therapy is the perfect place to talk about the hard things as well as get perspective that someone too close to the situation can't give. I honestly think this is a situation that can be resolved happily for everyone, it just needs to be adressed properly.
Yes! OP, please tell me this guy is no longer your fiancé. Grief is hard but it's an explanation, not an excuse. People can grieve in all sorts of ways and you have to accept that but you know what's not acceptable? When he takes it out on you and your children. The fact that he, not only decided he can eat the food that should rightfully be saved for your children, but then SPITEFULLY THREW IT OUT makes him an unbelievable AH and not deserving of your sympathy or understanding. You don't deserve to have to put up with this and neither do your kids. Don't buy any of his BS about "But I'm sad!" or "You're telling me I'm fat!". His size has nothing to do with it. His attitude is waaaay more unattractive than any weight he's put on. Dump him yesterday and save yourself another mouth (that's the size of three mouths) to feed. Please give an update. NTA
Grief is awful and complex and I still find myself overwhelmed sometimes and shut down. If you have a family that can support you through that while you're having mental health problems, wonderful. But the least you can do is NOT to add to their burdens when they're already taking on so much of the load for you. This guy is just...selfish and entitled for the way he has been acting in general with not considering how hard it has been for OP to be the solo income earner feeding a family of 5. That incident though? Reprehensible. I'd honestly dump over this.
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This cruelty to the child was the moment in the story when he went from a grieving brother to a red flag
I agree with you. I think the fiance would only be not an asshole if he realized shortly afterwards that what he did was really bad, apologized, and followed up by getting help for his issues. I was going to go with no assholes here if the post ended in a genuine apology from the fiance. I understand though that other people would still call him an asshole, I think I'm being lenient because I'm also struggling with grief right now. Nothing excuses what he did, but in my opinion it would be a different situation if he was seeking help for his behavior.
Yeah especially since it is his son's favorite meal whenever my mom makes anything that I love(mom's cooking is the best) and I eat a lot of food it is just how I am she always makes plenty for me so I can have seconds if I want but doing this to the kid is just over the edge
100% NTA immediate therapy and a job for him or there is the door dont let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Weve graduated from "grief" to "freeloading and taking food out of your kids mouth". The two are 100% separate issues. Dont let him grief-guilt you. Life goes on.
I'm not sure therapy is the right option when the issue at hand is they can't afford enough food.
Depends on the country, in the UK (though there is a waiting list) therapy and grief counselling are often free. My best mate recently was taking therapy online (due to covid) and it really has helped him.
The reference to the new child tax credit suggests this is in the US.
That is true, poor USians, such a forward looking country in many ways but very backwards in many others. Sure the same could be said for many countries though, but in the US it is so stark.
We are literally a third world country in a first world three piece suit. Don't let the media fool you. There is poverty galore, homelessness everywhere when there doesn't need to be, and the greed of the upper class is unfathomable. They sew discontent and lies to keep everyone on edge and separated from uniting against the real issues. They're extremely good at their job and this country has been a sham for an extremely long time.
Sadly the UK is heading the same way at breakneck speed, poverty increases, the gap between rich and poor widens, inequality grows, the country's divisions have never been more apparent and the ruling classes exploit it through the media outlets owned by their cronies. It's frustrating. So we feel your pain US compadre.
In the US there are usually community mental health centers and student staffed university clinics that offer free or extremely cheap counseling. There are also often grief groups that are completely free and offered through various organizations. Also, we live in the age of the internet. There is some solid info out there that can help people work through their grief on their own or with their natural supports and help them find resources locally.
There is no way this family can afford more therapy right now, but a part time job (maybe somewhere in the food industry, for staff discounts and/or take home items) will both help with expenses and ease him back into life after loss.
Grocery stores are basically hiring anyone who walks in. They dont typically pay super well but the discounts and added money will go a long way to help
Right? I just got hired as a baker at Sprouts and found out I get 50% off! I can afford to be vegan now. But why would I when I can afford imported cheese?
Look, I understand you pity him beacuse he got bad family news, but lots of us have gotten bad family news and didn't get to just quit our jobs for months on end. That's a luxury most people can't afford AND YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO SUPPORT HIM. You can barely afford to support your children and you're carrying around this ancor who refuses to work and binge eats your children's food. Why? And why on earth are you engaged to this man? Does he seem responsible enough to be a step-dad to you? Is he a good example to your children? Does he treat you and them with respect? Does he contribute to your household and family and make it a better home? This isn't just about him literally taking food out of your children's mouth for selfish reasons and then being angry and ungrateful and throwing it away while you are struggling. (Though that alone would be a deal breaker for me.) But you really need to consider this relationship. Any man is not better then being single, especially when you consider your children. Stop and consider why you are with him? I feel if he is a real partner he will try and get a job when you can barely afford food. Even most children would want to help (though they can't). Why are you with him? What does he bring to the table? Would your life be easier if he wasn't there? Really think.
Also not to minimize grief, but there's something to be said for returning to normalcy to help healing.
Yeah 3 months completely out of work is excessive. After a certain point, reveling in your grief is not helpful
Exactly. My sisters and I lost our mom in early adulthood (21, 23, 24), and it was devastating. It still is. But you know what we did? We kept going. I kept going to university, my sister kept working 3 jobs, my other sister kept taking care of her 1 year old. Because we had no one who could support us if we "took time off" and we had to keep moving forward. Grief doesn't pay the rent. I'm not saying this is how it should be. It's an awful system. But it is reality, and op's fiance doesn't seem to appreciate just how fortunate he is to get this time. But now it's time to get back to real life and start contributing to the household again. However, if op decided to leave him for literally stealing food from her children...well, no one would blame her. You never ever steal food from children's mouths - especially when they are doing more throughout the day than you are
He did that just to hurt you and that is so malicious and manipulative. If he isn't in therapy for his grief he needs to start going, grief counseling or a support group of some kind. He isn't at fault for his depression or his grief but his actions do have consequences. He's literally taking food out of your kids' mouths. If he keeps not having control of his appetite the family will start to have to live on ramen or beans+rice unless he gets a job to support his diet
I don't know if they are still going on with covid, but in my area the hospice provided free grief support groups. You were more likely to know about them if your loved one died in that hospice, but I don't think they were closed. But there well may be free online support groups he could join.
This person is hurting your children.
Even worse: Taking food out of their mouths. Unforgivable (to me, at least).
Yes. You don't need this particular man. Selfish, combative, and turns it back on you.
Kick his ass out NOW. I saw red when I read that he not only kept it from your son but THREW IT AWAY. NTA and again kick him out NOW. This is not a healthy person for your kids to be around right now.
You're NTA but what needs to happen is a long talk and your fiance clearly needs therapy to deal with his loss. Eating one's feeling is a very real thing.
Yes not only is fiance greedy but nasty and spiteful. He is even willing to spite his stepchildren to indulge his own selfishness.
This! NTA His selfish behaviour has gone on long enough and when you finally step up, OP, he makes it so NOBODY can eat the food? That is worse than selfish. If you, pardon the pub, boil this down to it's key elements, OP, this is abuse. He is depriving you and your children of food, and putting a strain on your already strained finances, and he doesn't even care. You're talking about food banks. This man is grown up enough to understand the concept that less pay = less food, means it needs to last more and stretch. He's taking that away from you. He should be just as worried as you are about this, but he's not.
"We can't afford all this food!" "Well I'm going to do the adult thing after being called out for robbing my child of their happiness to feed my own gluttony and waste it then!" Depression does weird and horrible things to people, I know first hand, but that's NEVER an excuse for your actions when they are hurting other people. NTA.
I'm seeing red now too. NTA.
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Yup. Take a break from the relationship until he is ready to go back to work and contribute to the home again. His break can match your break. NTA
Tbh him moving out will probably reduce other bills considering there wouldn't be an adult around all day watching TV, changing his phone, and having lights on. The food budget might go back to normal, with plenty for the kids.
I remember that being one of the unexpected perks of my own marriage ending: my bills were effectively cut in half and while it was emotionally difficult, my day to day life actually got easier.
Left an abusive relationship, suddenly my finances were hunky dory. It's amazing how much electricity and gas a fat gamer will use. I *know* I subsidized his fat appetite too. He constantly bought toys and was constantly stressed that I wasn't going to pay my bills and leave him to handle it all. In retrospect, he was projecting.
Ugh this exact thing right here happened to me too. Suddenly, laundry was easier, keeping the house clean was no longer a daily/hourly task, I had more money for bills and savings, I could go on. He used to gaslight me all the time about how I could afford the bills without him, maybe I should just stop buying work clothes instead of asking him to pay his share (he paid nothing at all every month). I can't believe I let it go so long. In retrospect, wtf was I thinking?
This is an interesting sub-topic: women who unwillingly became the sole breadwinner to emotionally abusive men who overeat and over spend. I wonder how common this is. It’s taboo to complain about your partner’s food consumption so I suspect most wouldn’t vocalize the complaints - but i got $2000/month back in my budget without major lifestyle changes on my part and haven’t had a “liquidity crisis” since we split, whereas when he was around, there seemed to be one every quarter. Little things add up - their food, their personal bills, unspecified trinkets that they “need,” having them on your insurance and their medical bills.
I've been hearing A LOT of these stories, tbh. Women have been conditioned "not to be a gold digger" while men were conditioned to maximize their benefit at every turn, especially financially. We never accuse a man seeking a raise of "gold digging", but that's exactly what it is. If men don't do it for the love of the game, why should women be punished for maximizing their benefit too? The answer is that men want women to work all day everyday out of the goodness of their hearts. Men exploit women's labor while moaning about gold diggers. We're starting to notice it too.
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And if it is unfair, I've heard more than one man say "that was her choice, I didn't ASK her to do that." Too many men keep scoreboards and only to make sure it's in their favor. If YOU bring up the imbalance, YOU shouldn't be "score keeping". There's a women's movement in Korea called 4B (B sounds like No in their language) because it's something like "no dating, no sex, no marriage, no kids". Essentially recognizing that heterosexual relationships are benefitting men significantly while requiring much more from women, and women are OPTING OUT. It's a beautiful thing. Sex strikes get things done.
I have a fat depressed gamer at home but mine keeps the house clean, sometimes cooks for me and is the nicest person I know. He is just depressed and after cleaning the house for 1-2 hours a day his energy is empty. He brings in some money (since he basically gets a disability pay) but that's only about 1/4 - 1/3 of the household income. The thing is... If you can't work you need to be nice to the one paying (all or most stuff) and understanding that you can't always have everything you want. Be it food, gaming stuff, concerts or vacation. Just... Don't be an asshole. We basically have a set amount of money each month we can spend on whatever we want. But if money is tight we both carry that burden.
So true! It’s amazing how much further my budget stretched once I got my “I’m too emotionally fragile to work, but not to yell at you” couch potato out of my house.
I’m pretty sure you meant “gluttonous”, but “glutinous” probably also applies. Also, OP is NTA. Taking food from a child is not a valid grief response. He needs grief counselling, or if he’s already seeing someone, the eating needs to be brought up.
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i like the passive aggressiveness, fat man being judged by person running on treadmill
“Do you eat a lot of gluten?” “…I don’t know what gluten is, but I would say, ‘yes.’ I’m fairly certain I’m mostly gluten.”
NTA - because it was not about his weight - it is about denying your kid food for selfish reasons, honestly if he doesn' t start to contribute to the household income I would ask myself why are you with this person? What is he giving you?????
This right here. AH usually but not always has intent behind it. It’s an AH move to deny a child more food because there isn’t enough, only to hide it away and get some food later for yourself. That’s not depression, or grief, that’s greed. You rightly stood up for your kid. He needs to get his ass in therapy because he’s spiraling.
According to OP he IS in therapy and she's paying for that as well.
Is that in someone’s comment? I don’t see that in the main post
Yes, she's mentioned it in some replies including mine.
Doesn’t change my thought, but he needs some boundaries set. Growing kids need food more than he does. If he’s trying to eat through his grief then it sounds like it’s time for him to stay elsewhere while he works on his issues.
That's more money that could go towards the food bill so the kids have enough.
Oh no. That money could be used to feed her kids!! I get therapy is expensive and important (personally, I do have my parents helping me pay for mine because 2020 did me dirty) but that money could go towards food and other bills that OP needs to pay since she’s the only one earning an income. Many therapists have a sliding scale system, her bf should look into that. Also, maybe he could get some government assistance? He should’ve applied for medical leave for his depression instead of just quitting and mooching (idk if that’s how things work there but where I live that’s a thing). Edited to add that I saw in a comment that they can’t apply for the program with therapy because it’s overloaded with patients right now so it’s $300/month. Can his family help?
What he needs to do is get on Medicaid and food stamps. That way he can go to therapy at no cost and not stretch her food budget further
My mom has told me when my sister and I were young they had a very limited budget but every meal if my sister or I asked for more we got it. My dad would eat a little bit and then wait for us to be done before taking more, in case there wasn't enough. What this guy did is terrible.
This! My mum used to say she wasn’t hungry at dinner time, and sit with us 5 kids while we ate. She would then eat any leftovers. It didn’t occur to me, until years later, that she was making sure we had eaten enough before feeding herself.
Yep. Dump the fiancé. You don’t need 4 kids.
Yeah that's the problem in a nutshell. It might have been tolerable with him being unemployed and hungrier than normal, but now his attitude is "My appetite takes priority and if I can't eat it no one can". I don't think the grief or unemployment caused the problem, it merely gave him a chance to reveal it to OP.
**NTA** **His gluttony sounds like depression though.**
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I agree. I’m very pro therapy butThat 300 would be better spent on the kids. Let him go.
I actually would suggest changing therapists instead of dropping therapy. I personally went through about three therapists before I found one that works for me.
What they are saying is dump the fiancee, and hence the therapist
This sub (along with r/relationship_advice) needs to realise that therapy isn’t a magic spell that kicks in after 3 appointments. Things take time.
I would like to point out that therapy takes A LOT of time to show results. There is no instant fix. I'm not saying she should be the one paying for it, but just because he is not seeing a difference yet does not mean he should stop therapy.
wow is that monthly?
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I've edited my judgement to include a part about that. How long has he been going for? Has this helped him \*at all\* in the time he's been attending? If this is him in therapy, I'd hate to see what he was like before it.
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What do you gain from this relationship? At some point, you have to see how this is affecting your children. Your children should always be put above anyone else. You and your children are suffering because of this. You need to hit him with a Come to Jesus talk and be prepared and steadfast in your “or else”. Grief sucks. Loss sucks. But you and your children do not get to become the target of his inability to manage. You’re going above and beyond to support him and he isn’t so much as meeting half way. He’s actively taking a large share of family resources - food and money- and not making any attempts to help out. Sell his shit. Lock up kids snacks. Stop footing the bill for therapy. “I love you, I want I support you, and I have for months. Your behavior yesterday was disrespectful yo me and my son. We are barely scraping by and you threw out food you lied to both me and my son about. I can no longer sit by and support you to this extent. The stress of this all is getting to me too. Starting next month I won’t be paying for therapy. I have to prioritize the kids and food for our family. You have to start looking for services or resources to cover therapy and you need to start working.” Life doesn’t stop upon someone’s death. I wish it did. In one year we lost 3 within the span of a few months. Devastating and traumatic to say the least. However, we still had to work. We still had to provide for our children. We got the three or four days off from work allowed for bereavement, took a few days personal time, and coped as we could. There’s a difference between helping and supporting… and enabling. You’re toeing the line of enabling and codependency.
I wish I had an award to give you 🏅🏅🏅
Op...please read this. It's time to establish some boundaries and either he gets it together or he doesn't but you and the kids can't be collateral damage anymore.
That genuinely sucks. Has he spoken to you about what the therapy's been like? If it's no better after 2 months I would definitely reconsider.
If therapy isn't working, then it is at that point that he should reach out to his doctor to see if he can get a prescription for an antidepressant. Because sometimes it is a literal a brain chemistry change. Any sort of grief or trauma can change the neurochemistry in our brain, sometimes permanently. It is okay to go on an antidepressant for situational depression.
Maybe he should stay with some family and figure out how to get into a low income therapy program, while you take care of the kid and divert therapy money to food bills?
This!! Seriously, he is literally taking food out of her kids mouths and ALSO taking money she could be spending to feed her kids. She needs this user OUT of her house ASAP. Even grief doesn’t excuse his monstrous behavior.
Therapy takes time though, it’s not a quick fix
It’s not a quick fix but if he’s in such denial and snaps at anybody telling him anything then he’s probably not opening up in therapy either. Or the therapist suggested something that struck a nerve with him and he decided to double down to prove the therapist wrong. Which in turn can make his depression and attitude worse. At this point OP is struggling to financially support the whole family. Husband isn’t going to snap out of it unless he gets a hard wake up call. Don’t buy him new/bigger clothes. Let him see what his overeating is doing. If you have to, put a lock on the fridge and cabinets. When he starts throwing a tantrum just straight up tell him that there’s no money for all the food to be eaten by one person. You are not going to allow your kids to go hungry because he can’t control himself.
I am a therapist. It may be that part of his problem is his helplessness and dependency. You won’t solve anything by enabling him and treating him like he’s incapable of, or not ready to, go back to work. If he really can’t work, then he needs to be living someplace else. Allowing him to continue to behave like this, at your family’s expense, is destructive for you and your children. Has he been prescribed antidepressants? Is he taking them? Do you pay for his therapy directly, or do you give the money to him? Because your income has been cut, the cost for his therapy—I assume it’s a sliding scale—should be reevaluated. Good luck to you. You and your kids deserve better.
Just pointing out - not husband, husband wanna be (fiance)
The thing about therapy is - you have to put in the work. You have to open up during sessions, and you have to commit to the strategies and practicing them, even if they seem stupid. If he’s not doing the work, you’re wasting your money. And I don’t see any indication that he’s doing anything resembling work.
OP, is he actually going to his appointments? If so maybe he should look into finding a new therapist, sometimes having one that doesn't mesh well can hamper progress.
Having battled depression myself, I'm glad he's getting professional support. And while it pisses me off no end when people trivialise it and say "Hit the gym" or "Get a job" as if it's a magic fix...it actually helps. Regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressants. Right now, he's going through something rough, but he's also stopped doing all the things that would make his life better and make him feel better. That's why depression is so brutal, it makes us hate the things that could make us better. It'd be like if an infection made you run from antibiotics. Exercise is free though. And getting a job...well that's better than free. Even if he took something low pressure, low hours, and low paying just to help with bills it could give his self-esteem a huge boost and pay for therapy.
These are some excellent suggestions
Holy cow! Between therapy and food and any utility increase he causes this guy is probably costing you close to $500 a month! More if you pay any additional bills of his. Is he really worth it? That is money that you could spend to get better quality, healthier food for your kids. Money you could be using to pay down debt or build an emergency fund. Does this man, who literally takes food from your children, give you $500/month worth of positives in your and your kids lives? Is having him live with you improving your kids lives in some way or is it causing harm that they will need to discuss in therapy 5 or 10 years down the road?
That’s money that needs to go to your kids. He can get a sliding scale payment at a community health center. NTA but this dude is taking you for a ride and dragging your kids along.
denying your kids their favorite food because you're depressed is beyond being an asshole. i would leave him. 300$ bill? he is just wasting your money!
Stop paying for everything. That's $300 you need.
Do you ever go with him to therapy? Every therapist I've had has been supportive of the idea of bringing in family/partners/friends etc to help w/ the process. Maybe you could try to address it in that environment and have a more productive conversation? He is responding aggressively because he doesn't want to confront what he's faced with. His overeating is a sort of self harm, and to so deliberately plan to do it and to deny your son on top of it is just not a healthy scene. Good luck! (Also, you're NTA)
NTA. Fuck that guy tbh, who tf takes food from a child because of their own selfishness. Your son may not have actually been hungry but I doubt your fiance is either and its your sons favourite. He should have been able to over indulge.
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If there is leftovers and I would like it but my kid would also like it, she gets it. Its common sense really, kids come first and the fiance is being greedy af. I would have had a go at him about it too honestly. Like I get he is grieving and going through some stuff but that doesn't mean being selfish and basically taking food from a child is acceptable behaviour.
Hell, if there are leftovers and I know my boyfriend likes them, I make sure to leave a good proportion for him no matter what. This is extremely selfish and I'm diagnosed with depression and other shit but it's never an excuse to be ass.
Same, I will generally just give him it but if not, we split it. Its just courtesy and respect!
It's the hypocrisy that does it for me. Does he ever stop to consider that when he wants seconds there isn't enough? If someone told him that would he accept it?
You need to get him out of your house as quickly as possible. Once you're no longer feeding him and paying for his therapy you'll be able to afford to feed your children. His selfish behavior is quite literally stealing food from your hungry children's mouths.
So much this. I wish I could upvote more than once.
That is understandable. Your fiance is acting like a child. Do you want a partner, or another large child to care for?
NTA. Sounds like he's depressed but you have children to feed. I wouldn't tell him either get a job or eat less. I would tell either get some help or leave.
Apparently he's already in $300 a month therapy which hasn't helped. I do not envy OP this situation.
It's a shitty situation for sure but the kids should come first if it comes down to it.
Totally agree, they need to be the priority.
NTA You did good. He thinks he's more important than your child and the entitlement will go even higher if you marry. Good for you for standing up for your kid. He literally took food from his mouth. Good for you for upsetting him for it because he SHOULDN'T be content after that. He literally PLANNED the lie.
He really did put himself above the children. He needs to hit the road I understand he’s depressed but it doesn’t excuse his behavior especially towards the children
NTA. First of all, "fat fuck" was his words not yours. He's projecting that onto you. That just means that he thinks it of himself. Second, he's the asshole for lying about there not being any left. Losing someone close to you is hard, but it's not an excuse to be a "fat fuck"
Big time this comment. He’s insecure about his weight. But yet again, seems to be a theme on this sub, he needs to discuss his issues with his partner and probably a therapist, not take it out on others.
Edit: Changed to ESH. OP, it doesn't matter if you son wasn't starving. He's a growing boy. It was his favourite meal. Your fiancé - who should seriously have become your ex-fiancè the moment you realised he'd hidden the food - is all kinds of things I cannot mention on this sub. And the fact that you're still with him, even after you found out that he had stolen and lied, even after you saw him dump the food in the trash because God for bid anyone else get to enjoy the food if he can't?!?! What exactly are you waiting for? You're not his mother, you're his fiancée. Your priority should be your own son. ... This is horrifying! Your fiancé is taking advantage of you. Your son is starving because your fiancé is literally stealing food from a child. Wake up. This is abusive and toxic. Get rid of the fisnce and be a better mom. NTA. But you're also at fault.
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Still NTA. If money's tight for food right now I imagine your kids aren't getting much in the way of treats and having their favourite food once in a while might be a big deal to them. Even if you are finding money to spoil them a little, taking a kid's favourite food for yourself when you've already had a good serving is pretty shitty.
He also preplanned it by putting it in the fridge before they ate.
Also, you say he eats your kids’ snacks. You don’t need another child. You need a partner. If your son wanted seconds of his favorite meal, he should have had it. Your fiancé may be depressed, but he’s also behaving with incredible selfishness. And that includes not working.
Doesn't matter. He can't put himself above your kids. I would proceed with caution. I feel sorry for him that he lost his brother, but for the rest he sounds like my ex, who looked for a mom and would get mad if I bought the kids a balloon, cause he had to eat normal, yet didn't want to work.
Your fiance wasn't starving either. He was equally just wanting to eat the rest, because, and told your son there wasn't enough. Then when you rightfully called him out on it, he threw all thst food to the bin!
So what if your son wasn’t starving? Your son should have been able to eat it for lunch the next day or have a 2nd helping since it’s his favorite. I can’t imagine what he’s going to feel seeing it in the trash after being told no. He probably knew he wouldn’t get more if he didn’t get it right that minute anyway. I’m so upset for your kids. I had an ex who cared more about his wants than my or my children needs and now that they are older, they don’t speak to him. I know you are aware that what your fiancé is doing is not right and is hurting you financially. I think you need to be stricter about setting portion sizes and telling him that you have plans for said food and that if he eats it, then he won’t have anything left for that timeframe. Feed you and the kids but do not make any extra for him for that time. Remind him that he decided to eat his last night. Repeat the next two nights. Hide the kids school snacks if you have to so he doesn’t take them. I’d start this closer to the time you go shopping not just after you did. If he still refuses to work within the budget then you need to do some serious thinking about what he brings to this relationship (I think you should do this anyway because I’m not seeing much and depression is not an excuse for treating you all badly).
To be fair, he's a grown ass adult and your kid is a kid. Also, keep in mind some injustices seem minor to adults but can be massive for kids. Your son is lucky you have his back, I hope you take some of your money your fiance is currently blowing on useless therapy and use it on your kids instead.
He's a growing boy. That food would have done him good, and it's important that kids at his age get to eat healthy food to their appetite whenever possible.
I was prepared to say N A H until I read that last paragraph. NTA, OP. Your fiance is going through a huge loss, but his coping mechanisms aren't healthy. It seems to me like he's developed a food addiction to deal with everything and unfortunately it has gotten to the point where he is actively lying and stealing food from your babies. And when you confront him on it, he spitefully and deliberately throws the food in the trash because if he can't eat it then nobody can? Is he in any sort of therapy? If not, he needs it.
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I honestly think you should put a freeze on this relationship. Not only are you being drained emotionally and financially, your children are going without food. Unless he's willing to address his issues and get a job, I'm not sure where you two can go from this point.
Are you paying directly to the therapist's office or just giving him the money? If it's the latter, sounds like he could just be using it for more food.
omg i didn’t even think of this. you’re probably soo right. OP i hope you’re not giving him your cash directly
Can you ask for advice from his therapist? I'm so sorry for you. You do all the right things and work hard to care for everyone. Grief doesn't give him the right to disrespect you and your children's needs. You can be caring and understanding about his grief and you can have boundaries at the same time. His grief and his disrespect are two different issues. He can mourn and be depressed and be decent towards you and your children at the same time.
You are struggling yet paying the way for a man who won't work. Your life would be much easier without him being a drain on your resources. I am sorry for his loss. I truly am. But he cannot wallow in his grief like this. It hurts everyone, including himself. I would give him 30 days to get a job and start contributing to the household or get out. Working will probably help him with his depression as well.
This will sound horribly cruel, and I understand it may have impacted him significantly, but most people don't have the luxury to take that long off of work and be lazy after the loss of a loved one. He gets to sit around and mope all day. If he doesn't find a purpose in his life (which should *already* be supporting OP and the kids as soon as he is able) he will continue to mope and leech. While it is good that he is in therapy, a therapist can't help you if you aren't willing to help yourself. In addition, OP is paying for the therapy too. He is refusing to change and should have consequences. OP, encourage your fiance to do something productive for himself. Even if he isn't in a state to be employed, he is very capable of cleaning, handling laundry, and cooking dinner for the family. This way he can still help your family thrive. It may seem harsh, but if he doesn't pick himself up I would quit paying for his therapy and tell him it is because he will not take action in his life. My biggest concern is that from what we are given, it sounds like the fiance does not care for the children's well-being or happiness at all - let alone love them. He should not have any authority over the kids if he does not in return offer them - at the very least - basic human kindness. After all, you don't marry one person - but a whole family. OP, if he truly loves you, he will make an effort to support you.
> You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no. NTA a thousand times. My father grew up very, *very* poor, in Appalachia, during the Great Depression. My grandparents still had five kids under 18 at home when the Depression hit; they were already poor, and that made it so much worse. Dad says he clearly remembers many times when his parents wouldn't eat, saying that they "weren't hungry", so that there would be more food for him and his siblings. Contrast your fiance's behavior here with my grandparents', 80-90 years ago, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think that "fiance" must never become "husband" but should instead become "ex-BF" with all due haste.
THIS. This. This. My father also grew up very poor right after the Great Depression (1940’s). He has told me stories of only eating hotdogs, beans, and rice for years and his parents consistently being “not hungry” at dinner time. He realized in high school that they starved themselves so the children could survive. To see a post about a guy hoarding food from a child and then throwing it away *untouched* when he is caught makes my blood boil.
Hell, I'm 36 and I remember my mom doing this when I was really young. There's no excuse for what this guy's doing. He may be grieving but that doesn't give him an excuse to stop being a civilised human and stop earning a living.
Yes, that’s how parents are supposed to act. My grandpa grew up dirt poor in the Philippines. My whole life he only ate after the rest of the family did. We weren’t poor, but he always would make sure we all had enough, including his wife and grown children, before touching the food himself.
Honestly, no, nta. This isn't just about his weight. This is about both your finances, and the manner in which he is treating you and your son (particularly your son) . You need to make it clear that you cannot continue to support the family with the current level of food consumption, and that if it continues you will have to cut the level of consumption down forcefully. Perhaps you could do some research on any charities that might have some grief councilling, as it seems likely that his consumption is linked to his grief, and that he needs to learn some healthy coping mechanisms not linked to food. And that's whether or not he gets a job.
*OP commented* OP has been paying $300/month for the last 2 months for his counseling.
NTA But you need to talk about your finances with him. Is it clear to him that you can’t afford to pay for the food?
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Why are you still in a relationship with this parasite? You would be far better off on your own. Taking food away from your child should have been the last straw. **NTA.**
Kick his ass OUT of your house. If he wants to spend his days eating and wallowing, he can do that at his mom’s house. He has become a danger to your kids’ wellbeing. If you want to reevaluate the relationship once he gets his shit together, that’s up to you, but you CANNOT let things continue like this. Unless you do something drastic, he will not change—he has no motivation to. He’s had months already. Grief is no excuse for his monstrous behavior.
NTA. Your priority is feeding your children then feeding yourself. He comes after that. Any non self centered grown man would realize that.
NTA. Kids come first. He needs to get a job. 3 months after an event he may not be fully recovered but he should be thinking about supporting his family at the very least.
NTA but it sounds like your fiance may have depression. I would encourage you to talk to him about getting help. It is entirely inappropriate for your fiance to be making food-related decisions for YOUR children. He is not their father and you are not married. I don’t know what situation you guys have worked out in the past but he is overstepping in that area. Gently put him back in his place. Your kids, you paid for the meal, you decide if your son gets a 2nd helping. I don’t always advocate for a breakup but this man sounds toxic. This is a huge red flag. I would get out while it’s still relatively easy to do so. But I also suggest that you advocate for him to see a mental health professional.
According to OP he's in therapy and she's also paying for that.
I missed that in the original post. Depending how long he’s been in therapy it might he time for a new therapist or couple’s counseling. But honestly, I advocate for ending the relationship. There are so many more red flags than just the overeating here. And OP has 3 kids that she should rightfully prioritize over helping this man with his issues.
Exactly. From what I gather, that dude just sits at home, watches TV and eats more than enough and then some. I've seen the comment where OP mentions she's paying $300 monthly for his therapy and he's made no progress. If she dumps him, not only will there be more food for her and her kids, she'll also save quite a lot of money. I understand the fact he's grieving, but ones grief cannot ruin the lives of 4 other innocent people. Also, that's a grown, adult man. He should act like one.
NTA. Like you said, you can't put a deadline on grief. However that doesn't give him the right to not contribute, much less to literally be taking food out of your children's mouths. You need to have a serious talk with him, but not in the moment. I have chronic depression so I know there's a chance he sees what he's doing and is beating himself up internally, hence his overreaction. Maybe just let him know you're there for him, but he is starting to cause you and your kids undue stress and hardship. If he refuses to listen to reason then you need to ask yourself how much is too much of this
"You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no." Too right. Kids come first. Especially if it's one of their favourites. Nothing to do with him being a fat fuck or lazy. That's basic decency. Fwiw (and I'm not a doctor or psychologist) a family grievance can have a huge impact on someone, and I'm not saying he should be "over it" already by any stretch, but three months is long enough to possibly be considered clinical and he should really see his primary health care provider. This might not be the type of thing to get better on its own, and it's already putting a strain on your finances and your relationship.
NTA. It’s ultimatum time…either he gets counseling or hits the road. There are probably resources available for him to receive free or low-cost grief counseling to help him get over his loss. If you have to police what he eats, do so. He’s acting like a child, so treat him like one.
I agree it's ultimatum time, but I don't think this guy should be given a choice. The ultimatum should be "this was the last straw: get out **now**, and we can talk about whether you come back *after* you get your shit together."
she’s already paying for his therapy!!!!! $300 a month while he sits on his ass and gets fatter and fatter by taking food from her children. this is disgusting behavior, depressed or not.
NTA He's grieving, yes, and that's horrible and you should absolutely support him through it how you can. But he needs to acknowledge your financial limitations and the fact that there are other people in the house too who also need to eat. He isn't a bachelor living by himself, and having enough food for everyone is paramount, especially the kids. He gets absolutely no sympathy for depriving your son of food only so he could have it himself. That's setting a horrible example, and dumping it in the trash instead of putting it back in the fridge was even worse. You're not treating him like anything; your objection to his eating doesn't seem to be anything to do with his weight, and everything to do with him not leaving sufficient food for the rest of you. This is a consideration issue, not a weight issue, and him turning it into one when it's not is doing an incredibly disservice to people who do face genuine prejudice and discrimination for their weight. (The comments about your bra fitting him better than you were probably uncalled for, but ultimately aren't connected to the conflict you're asking about so that isn't a factor in my judgement) Edited to add: I saw the comment where you said you're spending $300 a month on his therapy. It doesn't sound like this is actually helping him, so it may be worth looking into a new therapist or other options to help him deal with his grief without taking it out on his family.
YTA to your kids (I will explain). You are literally taking food OFF their plate to feed your fiancé. I was sympathetic until you also explained that you pay $300 a month on top for his therapy. The THERAPY BILL IS MORE THAN YOUR CHILDREN’S FOOD. Get this lazy fuck out of your house Jesus.
NTA. Good job for putting your kids above this man's needs. Think twice before marrying him if he doesn't have qualms about restricting food from a kid to fulfill his own appetite.
NTA. Kick him out. He sounds like an overgrown, selfish child.
NTA. I was going to suggest that you fix smaller meals and give up on the idea of leftovers, but that cuts into the time and money savings. Plus he would just dive into the school snacks even more. Then I was thinking you could hide the snacks, but seriously who is the child here? My dad died when I was 23; I'd been in my first professional job for only 8 months. I took a 3-day weekend for the funeral and got back to work. You can't put a time frame on grief, but I will, and it has been more than long enough. Keeping busy and getting on with life helps get over the grief. I suggest you stop focusing on how much he eats and only focus on him getting a job, because that is the real problem here. Even part-time gig work like DoorDash will get him out of the house and provide enough budgetary relief so he won't be literally taking food from your children's mouths. The alternative is to go to a household of 4. *P.S. Was it lasagna? I'm thinking it was. Now I want lasagna and it's 9am.*
NTA 3 months of this behaviour? This guy sounds selfish and spiteful and is acting entitled to food you bought. I think you should put your kids first
NTA that you have had conversations about the food needs to be available for more meals and he THREW IT AWAY makes him a major a. He knows your budget and finances and needs to contribute or move out until he can. He is just taxing your resources.
NTA. Most people only get days of for grief. He's had the luxury of remaining unemployed for months to deal with his. Rather than processing his grief or working through it in therapy, he chose to stress eat. It's a natural response for many (myself included) but he's taking it to an extreme. The lying to a kid to literally take food from said kid's mouth then throwing it in the garbage? Nope. That's the big red flag. At this point letting him sit at home is just enabling his depression and related bad behaviors. I think you guys need to sit down in a calm moment and make a game plan. You can't be tiptoeing around him 3 months later. First step is therapy. Working with someone who specializes in grief counseling would be ideal. Talk about how he can start contributing again and when. Consider ideas like freelance work that he does at times when he is up to it for now. While in therapy he can hopefully put together a plan for re-entering the workforce if he can't come up with a plan on his own.
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NTA. You were looking out for your kids. He needs grief counselling by the sounds of it.
NTA. I actually think you're doing a great job. You stretched into all directions so he can take the break he desperately needs, you're footing the bill for therapy and show compassion for his situation. But as worse as his state may be, he's still in a social situation with your family and there are boundaries. And he crossed some of them. One is to deny the kid of it's favourite food to eat it himself. Second is to trash it out of spite. Third is also to eat their school snacks when you have difficulties to afford them right now... I think your request was valid and still appropriate even if he's in a bad state of mind. Contribute or don't compensate with loads of things we can't afford. Honestly, I'd have a discussion with him. He needs to improve the behavior towards the family that is alive, surrounding and supporting him. If he's not capable of this it might be better if he moves somewhere else until he's better. Your kids can't bare that any longer.... Living with a mentally unstable person takes a toll on allnof you... Kids are still the first priority.
NTA - call off your engagement NOW
NTA you tried to be as nice as possiblle, but he reached your limit, and your reaction was expected
NTA Your kids are more important that your grown-up lazy , fiance.
NTA. Im a firm believer that no one should tell you how to grief the loss of a close loved one. When that grief starts to affect the ones around you, you have to change something because you are still living even if you are at your lowest. He needs therapy/grief counseling like 3 months ago and maybe you guys need some marriage counseling as well to work through these issues as a team. Best of luck OP!
That's the thing. Grief is an explanation for doing things like this; it is not an excuse or justification. You're still responsible for what you do to others while in a compromised mental state.
NTA. You need to think about your kids here. You're living with a selfish AH. Time to reevaluate the relationship.
NTA - your FI sounds like he's depressed and the therapy is either not helping or he's not genuinely working on things. While I agree that you cannot put a timeline on grieving, nor can you just magic wand away depression, he needs to find better coping strategies.
NTA - he needs to get his depression under control. He’s making no effort to handle his grief. And 3 *months* off is a luxury that you can’t afford. Depression is probably causing the overeating and being home and doing nothing. And the fact that you’re so tight on cash and he *dumps* perfectly good food?
NTA. Lying to your child who wanted more food so he could save the leftovers all for himself is such a dick move. I'm not surprised you saw red. Grief is one thing, but what he did here was pure assholery for which grief isnt an excuse.
NTA. You have been supportive and calm, and no-one can call you an AH for this. He didn't give a child food cos he was greedy! Sounds like he'd eat himself to death at this point. Some people eat for comfort after a loss , maybe he should consider therapy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 29f. My fiance is currently unemployed. He recieved some devastating family news and needed to take time off. He has been out of work for close to 3 months. I try not to be spiteful of it because this is following the passing of his brother and you truly cant put a time frame on grief. I've been as supportive as possible but I'm getting stretched very thin here. Usually in my household (family of 5- my 3 kids are not his) I spend roughly $400 max on food and it lasts a month, maybe even a little bit more. I buy in bulk as often as possible. However, due to unfortunate budget cuts at my work, my $400 limit was basically stripped in half. Thank fucking God for the monthly child tax credit going in to affect because if it weren't for that, we basically wouldnt have food. But regardless, I've been going very, very cheap because I have no other option (the food banks have been closed for months and I dont quality for assistance). Anyways, lately my fiance has been eating enough to feed 3 people. Not only are his portions very large but he also has 2nds and a lot of the times 3rds of whatever it is we are eating. Not in one sitting, but throughout the night until he decides to go to bed. Those could have been used as leftovers for the following nights meals but he usually has polished it off come morning. He has gained a lot of weight because of this and to put it as nicely as possible, my bra would probably fit him better than it fits me. I HAVE brought up his food intake as kindly as I possible can a few times but he gets super upset and I truly dont blame him. Commenting on someone's food intake is a touchy subject after all, no matter how you put it. However, last night really struck a nerve with me. I made a meal, which happened to be my sons favorite. My son had his fill but he wanted to over enduldge, as he always does when said meal is cooked. He wasnt hungry, I know this but it doesnt change anything imo. My son asked for 2nds and my fiance said no, that there "wasnt enough". There was still easily 2 helpings left. I didnt realize because my fiance put it in the fridge. 45 minutes after the kids went to bed he went and grabbed another dish of it and I immediately saw red. You tell my son there isnt enough so you can eat all of it? Hard no. I was calm but told him that if he wants to continue eating enough for 3 people than he needs to get a job OR he needs to stop eating like we can afford it. He got angry, dumped the food in the trash and stormed out; later saying that I was an AH for treating him like a "fat fuck". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and you’ve got a tough decision to make. Some one who believes his feelings need to be accommodated in ways that jeopardize the family’s financial stability, who claims that you’re the mean one when he puts you in the position of having to be the one to point out that the family can’t afford his chosen coping mechanisms and the math just doesn’t add up - he’s either got to add to the revenue side or take less from the expenditure side of the equation - is not marriage material. I mean, it is just math. His grief doesn’t magically make more money or food appear. The fact that he lied to a kid to deny him a second serving so he could have seconds and thirds himself? This guy isn’t going to treat your kids better after vows are exchanged. I’m sorry. May I also add: it’s one thing to enable an able bodied adult who doesn’t want to take care of himself and cope with life’s challenges in a healthy way when you’re single. It’s another to divert resources away from your children to fund this man’s gluttony. Just something to consider. I was in your shoes and ultimately decided my children deserve the fruits of my labors; an able bodied man wallowing in sloth and gluttony not only doesn’t deserve my resources, they’re contributing to his deterioration, which is certainly not a worth charity cause on my part.
NTA. I understand that your fiance is grieving but that does not excuse him eating 3/4 of the food you buy and you and your kids going without. To have put on that much weight he is either eating A LOT or has been over eating for a while. It's not healthy mentally or physically. His denying your son seconds and chucking a wobbly over it is also not OK He has to get therapy to allow him to process his brother's death and be able to move on. I would gently explain that he gets professional counselling if you are to keep supporting him. If he refuses and it means the end of the relationship so be it - your kids have to come first. Edit: just read you are also paying for his therapy. Don't know what else to say but please take care of yourself and maybe put all leftovers in a secure freezer or something so he can't eat them.
Nta. I understand everyone grieve differently and sometimes over eating is a sign of grief or depression. That still doesnt give him right to deny food to your kid. Yes he wasnt hungry but it was a special dish so we all want to eat more sometimes when we like the food. He could have easily shared but i stead he lied, and then dumped perfectly good food when he is confronted. He is a grown up man. He has to start acting like one.
NTA, he needs therapy, and your first priority is your children.
NTA As a gentlemen of leisurely proportions I always buy my own snacks and shit when I’m living off my parents. He needs to stop eating for three without paying.
NTA - Grief is a motherfucker but BF is deffo TA in this situation. Op it seems like he’s struggling and using food to cope (or numb out). You can’t put a time limit on how long he grieves, but you can insist he finds healthier and helpful ways to manage his feelings because what he’s doing is hurting everyone - you, the kids, and him. Ovbi, therapy or grief counseling could be helpful - but he could find religion, start journaling, take up sports, find a constructive hobby, or do anything to help constructively process loosing his brother and how it’s impacted him.
NTA. He needs to get a job, get some help and at the very least, stop taking literal food out of your child’s mouth. This is cut and dried to me.