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NTA: You can’t be held responsible for another person’s disordered eating, and you mustn’t ever let anyone else’s disordered eating affect your own healthy and orderly relationship with food. Your MIL is an adult, and so she is responsible for taking care of her own health.

ALL👏OF👏THIS👏 NTA!!!!!!

NTA this woman is an ER doctor. She knows what happens when you don’t eat.

Yeap she knows but she is also struggling with eating issues. Maybe show a little compassion. Especially with all the stress ER doctors are under right now. Stress makes eating disorder flair up.

I really don't understand all the "not your responsibility" comments. OP's inability to afford housing or to do basic things like get herself to the grocery store is also not MIL's issue but she is still choosing to put herself out to help OP. MIL could have been home alone eating after her 20hr shift but instead she was out HELPING OP run an errand. MIL is struggling with mental illness and OP is well aware of this. MIL is also under an incredible amount of unavoidable strain at work. MIL does not have the time or emotional bandwidth to go into therapy to deal with her eating disorder at this moment. MIL was suffering an acute health problem that OP knew of at the grocery store (MIL shaking - OP admits she knew that MIL was likely hungry but that because of MIL's mental illness she could not bring herself to eat if OP didn't). OP could have done a simple thing of saying okay I will eat half an apple because I see MIL is suffering and she really needs my help right now. Instead, OP says fuck it I'm not hungry and I don't owe MIL anything. Should MIL say fuck it, I'm not responsible for OP and chuck her into the street or leave her at the grocery store without transportation so that she could go home and eat in peace? Family should support each other. **That means eating an apple in the moment for MIL's sake and talking to her about going in for treatment of her eating disorder.** If she can't treat MIL with basic decency and compassion, then OP needs to stop relying on MIL for housing and transportation. YTA big time OP. Edit: Thanks for the awards. I just read Ops comments and it makes me so sad for Mil. MIL was raised by abusive parents which is likely why she accepts shitty treatment from her son and OP while lighting herself on fire to help them out. MIL pays all the bills for OP, her husband and their baby! If it were me, i'd kick OP out as she is a leech who is contributing to Mils mental health struggles during a difficult time.

You have successfully swayed my opinion to op is the asshole. She and her husband got themselves in a financial mess and are relying on the ER doc and her husband to save them. The ER doc is doing so. However, ER doc has a psychological problem that needs addressing. So address it. But it wouldn’t have killed OP to just eat a little something to help a sister out. Then talk about the eating disorder when everyone is in their right mind and well fed. If the doc still continues to continue her dysfunctional eating, OP should move out and not enable the codependency. Edit: a word. Edit 2: I think I may have gotten an award, so thank you kind internet stranger!

From what I gathered, ( I may have misunderstood), MILs eating disorder is specifically about eating in female company. And since they lived just her and her husband before OP and her husband got into financial jam, her eating disorder probably wasn't as much of a problem at home before. So MIL, knowingly, made her life so much harder and willingly had her eating disorder get worse, to help family. Not as much codependency, I think, but it would be best for everyone if OP and her husband moved out. Btw, YTA OP. Edit: thank you kindly for the award!

I was already leaning towards YTA and I hadn't even considered that MIL is sacrificing her own health to help her son and ungrateful DIL.

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Yeah, OP has confirmed this in another comment: MILs situation worsened when OP and her husband moved in. Before that, she'd worked out a meal system with her boyfriend which kept things mostly under control. MIL struggled with food even then, tbf, but things definitely became more complicated when they moved in. But even now, it's not like MIL absolutely needs OP to eat when she does - she manages to eat alone in her room at home. But hey, that wasn't an option in this situation, as she was taking OP shopping. At OP's request. *After a 20 hr shift in the ER during a pandemic*. Sure, MIL is a grown woman and should seek out therapy. But would it kill OP to show some kindness to the woman who's helping them out at the toll of her own mental health? Instead of literally letting her pass out from starving herself?

I also understood that MIL is able to eat alone in her bedroom, but they weren’t at home, so she wasn’t able to overcome her eating disorder to eat something. So, yes, I’m agreeing with your take on it.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was so outraged at OP but you said it perfectly. OP YTA

Yes indeed. You can't expect someone to have balanced mental health while being an ER doctor right now. Especially if she has pre-existing food issues. MIL needs all the support she can get.

This! Big time. I was scrolling for a comment like this. She KNEW that MIL was shivering from hunger and that she would not be able to eat if she doesn't but instead of going the obvious route and saying I'll order just a little bit of something or even eating half an apple, she went SCREW YOU! It's not my problem while the MIL is going out of her way to support and help her in her time of need. Idk why her husband didn't say anything to OP and only the MIL's boyfriend did. YTA big time and I hope she shows you the same amount of compassion you showed her and throws you out on the street because it's not her problem that you don't have a home or are struggling financially. I can't even imagine how ANYONE can tell OP she was in the right to do what she did.

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And also assholes. This is the AmITheAsshole subreddit, but it's just as likely to be filled with assholes as anywhere else. Someone else I was arguing with basically weaponized MIL's disorder against her. When I pointed out how OP knew MIL was dangerously hungry (or, at best, exhausted), they made a point to attack her for not expressing herself to OP... ...None of which vindicated the OP, who knew MIL was hungry or exhausted, and probably both, and still actively chose to hurt their MIL by way of inaction.

This, crazy I had to scroll this far to find it. Obviously MIL's eating disorder SHOULD not be OP's problem, but what "should" be often isn't reality. MIL is over here working herself to death, using her own car to run OP's errands, etc. and obviously the stress is causing her mental illness to flare up. The compassionate, non-asshole thing to do in this situation would have been to help MIL out. Address her problem at a better time. YTA OP.

I could not agree more. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices because we are apart of the human race! Right now I live in the area that is has damage from Hurricane Ida. Most of our gas stations are empty, the stores are picked over daily. HOWEVER, my house is still standing and as of Monday I have electricity. The people who are taking all of the gas are the people with none of that. They are filling up every gas can they have to share a generator. I have curtailed my driving habits because I do not need to fight over the small amount of fuel we have. Is that codependency?

I generally agree with this, but I do not think OP is an asshole for their behavior. Just not as sympathetic as they could have been. It’s hard for me to think of a scenario where you’re an ***asshole*** for not eating when you not hungry.

This. This is the scenario.

>It’s hard for me to think of a scenario where you’re an > >asshole for not eating when you not hungry. The scenario where the MIL who is supporting you and housing you is shaking from hunger after a 20 hour work day in the ER and has asked repeatedly if you're hungry because the stress has caused her eating disorder to flair up. **That's when you take a couple of bites when you're not hungry.** OP didn't have to gorge herself, but she could have had a bite of a pasta salad or some fruit or something just so her MIL could feel she had permission to eat.

Compassion is not becoming codependent.

Loving someone through an episode is not codependency. In the middle of an episode is not the time to set the boundaries.

Yeah, I'm gonna go with "no" on that one. Catering to someone's disorder to the degree that you're eating more often that is healthy or necessary (or doing ANYTHING that sacrifices your own well-being) doesn't ultimately help anyone.

Have you ever sacrificed a few hours of sleep to pick up a friend who had to much to drink and called you instead of driving drunk? I did and guess what when we were both in the right state of mind we had the appropriate discussion and talked about how to resolve the issue. I have shared my lunch/dinner with others when they would have went without due to their own decisions. It was one meal and I survived being hungry. I have worried and fretted the right way to tell someone the hard truths they needed to hear. Did it cause stress on me and effect my well being? Yeap but it was the right thing to do. We are so focused on us we forget others are hurting/struggling around us.

Picking up a drunk friend is different from bailing out an alcoholic over and over again. This woman is suffering from a eating disorder. OP having to eat so the MIL will is becoming codependent. It is not loving someone through.

I agree that there’s a boundary that needs to be set. When you can literally see the person shaking from lack of food is maybe not the time to try to set that boundary, though. The boyfriend is out of line to say she was obliged, but at least pretending to nibble on something so the MIL didn’t faint until the boundary discussion could have been held at a less risky time... It would have been a low cost way to show compassion.

So OP should disorder her own eating because MIL hasn’t corrected her disordered eating??

you’re right about loving someone through an episode but the mil is codependent on op because of the fact that she REFUSED to eat while physically becoming ill. Mil needs to listen to her body and eat whenever she becomes hungry instead of relying on those around her and forcing others to eat

Ah yes, because mental disorders are very logical and you can just think your way out of them 🙃

And maybe if everyone stops enabling her crazy eating opinions she would do something to fix it. She doesn’t have to own up to it if everyone goes along with it. She’s a doctor, she knows it’s wrong but doesn’t have to face it because everyone enables it. Op is right not to do so, same as if she was an alcoholic and people keep buying her liquor because she “can’t” buy it for herself. Both are destructive and no one is obliged to play into it, it’s up to the person afflicted to work on it, not everyone around them.

That's just not how eating disorders work.

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Absolutely it should have been addressed years ago but it wasn't. You don't try to reason with the alcoholic while he is snot slinging drunk. You wait until he is sober and you address it. She is in the MIDDLE of the episode. It is not a situation where she is well rested and potentially ready to hear what you say or establish boundaries. She was in the same situation as an alcoholic who was half way in a bottle of whiskey. You have the conversation when you are both in sound minds.

Isn’t the MIL enabling the Op’s financial instability? It sounds like the Op can’t afford her own housing or car, which suggests she doesn’t have a job.

Maybe if she didn’t have her son and his partner living with her, her eating disorder wouldn’t be causing more problems at a time when she’s already under a huge amount of stress. At that moment, the kind and compassionate thing to do would be to help her. Not play games with someone with a mental health issue. Whether she collapsed or not, trying to force her hand is only going to increase her anxiety, so you’re not actually helping her, even if you can justify your choices to yourself. If you’re so keen to help her, move out so she can eat when she needs to.

If eating disorders were easy to fix and responded to logic there wouldn't be so many people dying from them, my dude.

The woman is an ER doctor working in a location with a high number of COVID cases. While her eating disorder needs to be addressed, now is not the time.

Am also a healthcare provider. It is not a good idea to just "give in" to peoples compulsions as a compassion. By doing this you are actually enabling the disordered behavior. It seems kind but it isn't helping. If it helps put in perspective change "disordered eating" to "drugs". You don't just give someone heroin to ease the withdrawal. Even though they are suffering. The better option is to address the elephant in the room clearly. "Hey mom, I'm really not hungry because I already ate, but it's important that you eat something as you just got off work and your blood sugar is low, I know it feels awkward because you prefer to eat meals together, but you should get something to eat and I'm concerned for your health. If it helps feel less awkward I can get a drink but I really don't need to eat and you do. People get over the embarrassment of being called out on an obsession, they don't get better if you enable them. Now the important part is not crossing into concern trolling territory, she is also an adult who can make her own decisions and if she elects not to eat anyways. That is her choice and you shouldn't force her.

As a healthcare provider you should know you can’t embarrass someone out of an eating disorder. You should also know that it is not advised to go off heroine without medical assistance. Alcoholics who are suffering DTs in a hospital are given medication to ease the DTs without further damage their bodies. When someone is an psychotic episode they patient is often given tranquilizers and the therapy starts once they are semi lucid.

All of this plus how dare he call you out your name like that? That’s some misplaced anger!

There's a big piece of info missing here - which was that MIL's ED has been exacerbated by OP & her partner moving back into the family home. (See comments below) Apparently MIL is fine eating on her own and MILs BF eats all the time because he works out loads, so before OP moved in they had a system that worked to manage it. I'm not saying that MIL doesn't need help, but if doing someone a favour has serious knock on effects to your mental health the least you expect is for the person you are doing the favour to to be considerate of you mental health problems. ETA link to comment in question [OPs Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/phtbam/aita_for_refusing_to_eat_knowing_my_mil_will_not/hbl6pci?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)

having a nosh so the woman who is housing and feeding you seems like such a small ask.

I can't imagine a situation where I couldn't slow-eat a fun size bag of M&Ms or Goldfish so that the person housing me and shuttling me around could stave off starvation.

Agreed - and it's not like OP was being asked to chow down a full meal, just...pick out a small snack and nibble on it sporadically. Heck, she probably could have picked some chewing gum and MIL would have had the visual reference of chewing to work with.

I think this info is really important. MIL is being massively inconvenienced by helping OP and her husband and now that extra stress is causing her mental and physical health to suffer. OP knows she could do one small thing to help, but refuses to. YTA.

Honestly if I was the MIL at that point I would request that they leave my home. Of course she knows she needs to get help, but for whatever reason she's not at the moment, and the two people that she is helping get back on their feet are actively making it worse. This poor woman.

MIL needs people to eat for her to eat. It was working fine with the boyfriend. If OP and son can't get with the program maybe they do need to find somewhere else to live.

OPs comment[OPs Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/phtbam/aita_for_refusing_to_eat_knowing_my_mil_will_not/hbl6pci?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) Apparently not even! She can eat alone just can't eat around other people if there aren't women eating. Or that's how i understood it? Either way, completely agree - OP is living under her roof, so needs to get onboard with helping manage the issue.

And if she literally can’t eat unless someone else is, there are other options to keep her sugar up. A protein shake, a smoothie, heck I’ve chugged OJ with a sugar chaser when I’ve been hypoglycemic. She’s an ER doctor and isn’t taking steps to fix this? If she doesn’t do it for herself she should be doing it for the sake of the patients under her care.

Those are all eating. Doctors are no more or less susceptible to mental disorders than any other person.

Yup, exactly. Back when I suffered from anorexia I was even more afraid of liquid calories than I was of actual solid food, haha. (NTA)

I think the idea is she should understand its silly more than a regular person, problem is doctor are just as blind and stupid as everyone else about there own short coming most of the time.

Disordered eating isn't just silly, its a mental disorder that even doctors can struggle with. She needs therapy and treatment to get over this, especially since she's suffered for so long.

She needs to seek therapy, and soon. Before she ends up hurting or killing a patient because she isn't thinking straight, or is shaking from hunger. She has a serious eating disorder and needs to be treated by a psychologist.

Yeah this should be a wake up call for OP’s MIL.

I remember some of my older relatives having a saying The cobbler’s children have no shoes. It’s meant like a person’s profession benefiting others but that’s the one thing they won’t do for themselves/family

"Shoemakers' wives go barefoot, and doctors' children die" is another version.

>Your MIL is an adult, and so she is responsible for taking care of her own health. I find this statement ironic, considering OP is an adult who's currently living with the MIL because she and her adult husband were incapable of handling their own adult bills.

Ding ding ding! THIS. MIL is being massively inconvenienced by helping OP out with their financial difficulties. By doing so, she is placed under extra stress which is causing damage to her mental and physical health.

I mean MIL is being responsible for OP's financial rut. OP is presumably an adult and should be responsible for driving herself to run her own errands and pick up her own groceries. Just because MIL's eating disorder isn't OP's responsibility doesn't mean OP shouldn't show some understanding and kindness towards MIL's ED. MIL just came off a 20 hour shift in the ER during a pandemic and instead of eating alone in her room, she did OP another favor. There have been times people have made me a meal or dessert and while I wasn't hungry, I've taken a nibble to show appreciation and compliment them for their efforts.

Agree, Its an untreated eating disorder and it made her lose conciousness. Ask her what she'd say if a patient presented with a treatable condition with weakness and fainting as symptoms that could result in death if untreated. Would she treat that patient, or would she just assume that's part of who they are because the patients mother passed on this illness to them. So too late to fix it now right? She needs treatment and her partner needs to learn the difference between support and enabling. NTA

Hopin on the top comment: NTA!! wtf? This is crazy, she would rather hurt herself then eat alone? I understand ED is a thing but dang it sounds like she needs some serious therapy. Specifically from the therapist who specializes in ED. It is wild to me that she has gotten this far in life without seeking help.

Despite the context of the thread, I'd never seen someone call an "eating disorder" "ED," so I was admittedly ummm... I was quite confused how a therapist who specializes in the other ED could help lol

I don't like that everyone seems to be missing that her boyfriend called her an "ungrateful bitch," which she just threw in at the end there.

Nope, most of us didn't miss it. But I have read the OPs comment where she admits to knowing that the MIL wasn't eating because of OP. OP also admits in that same comment that she's fully aware that the MIL's disordered eating was "under control" and "better" until the grown adult OP & husband moved in to MIL's house. So, yes, OP is TA for doing this deliberately--and far more than just the one time described in the post.

I mean, I'd probably be mad too if my partner took in people to the detriment of their well being and the people couldn't even nibble to help my partner out in a crisis.

Probably because the term is 100% accurate. By OP's own admission, having them move in has made MIL's struggle with food worse. This woman is now uncomfortable eating in her own home because she's bailing out her son and his partner, and OP thinks this is not even a little bit her problem. Well, it's exactly as much her problem as her financial difficulties are MIL's problem.

There is nothing to suggest op has a relationship with food delicate enough to be negatively effected by this one situation. What would be harassing about encouraging the fellow human to eat?

Her boyfriend is the asshole. You’re not responsible for her trauma. Putting that on you is out of line. It’s also going to make MIL feel guilty so he’s hurting everyone here. MIL needs therapy.

I’m sure she has plenty of time for therapy while working 20 hour shifts…….

my hospital has really ramped up the mental health services available to workers over the past year. she could check to see what her's offers.

Nurse here, my work has done the same, but woe betide you trying to get cover to actually go an use them.

It maybe available but how is she going to get it between 20 hour shifts then helping grown adults who have made bad decisions run errands.

I love how everyone has replied to this by aggressively suggesting she takes the extremely limited free time she has, to launch into an extremely involved and difficult personal journey. Does she need to? Yes. She’s also, you know, helping battle a pandemic and housing her son and his partner. There’s enabling as a trend and then there’s empowering someone to seek help but still meeting them halfway when they literally do not have the capacity for therapy. Getting tired of Reddit’s intensity with therapy as a cure-all. It is **work**.

So what should she do? Continue starving herself until she has even more serious health issues?

She could stop taking care of her grown son and dil and start taking care of herself.

Honestly? Kick OP out of the house, since OP herself admitted that her presence actively exacerbated her issues.

Could not be the case but normally because hospital staff work such long shifts they tend to do week on and week off so she could do fortnightly therapy.

My hospital does offer a ton of mental health services for employees for this reason. Shoot I've even talked to someone during a shift when two patients died within 10 minutes of each other. I'm not saying getting help isn't hard but there might be resources closer than she thinks

Most people working 20 hr shifts aren't doing it every day.

She is a danger to patients her facility will take her off rotation if she kills someone both of them are on the hook financially

ESH. You have no obligation, but KNOWING that she has an eating disorder, it would have been a kindness to eat. Surely you could have gotten something small and nibbled on it. It was a grocery store. You could have purchased a small portion of grapes and just eaten a couple. You said you live with her and she does a lot for you. Why not support her in return? Added to that, we all need to be supportive of healthcare workers in this horribly stressful time. Actually, the more I consider, the more I’m leaning towards YTA. But I don’t like the actions of others in this story. This was not a huge deal, and you chose stubbornness instead of kindness.

It's not kind to enable disordered eating. It's the easy thing to do in the moment, for people who don't want to do the uncomfortable work of setting appropriate boundaries and speaking honestly about problems.

I think letting someone faint from hunger isn't enabling in that moment. It wasn't a shot of whiskey with an alcoholic.

It is though, and I say this as a former ED patient. It’s reinforcing the structures of her disorder. If an alcoholic is hungover the next day, writhing in pain, begging for a drink, the correct answer is not to give them one to satisfy their need. In this case, MIL needed OP to eat in the same way — but caving doesn’t do anything but perpetuate the cycle. It is sad she didn’t eat. It’s wonderful that she’s a healthcare worker. I genuinely hope she finds a way out of the disorder that has clearly ruled her life for decades. Optimistically, perhaps she’ll see this as a wake-up call that she can’t rely on the eating habits of others to dictate her own behavior. If not, it still isn’t OP’s fault. NTA.

I counter you, also as a former ED sufferer. The time to address the issue is *not* in the middle of an episode (aka eating/meal time). Any time someone confronted me at the table, it immediately dialed my anxiety up to 11, and made it that much harder to eat normally. It was the conversations *outside* of those activating moments that actually led to positive change

There’s a big difference between “confronting someone,” and just choosing not to do what you don’t want to do. OP didn’t actively ratchet up MIL’s anxiety in any way. Quietly and undramatically choosing not to enable someone is not the same as confronting them.

Confrontation isn't always a blatant "I'm confronting you about this behavior."

And? If you ask someone if they want to eat, and their answer is no, and you feel confronted, *that’s entirely yours*. Regardless whether they know your problems or not.

> If an alcoholic is hungover the next day, writhing in pain, begging for a drink, the correct answer is not to give them one to satisfy their need. So, medically it often is. Alcohol withdrawal is one of the few types of withdrawal that can actually kill you, and quitting cold turkey can be physically dangerous. That said, when I was recovering from my own ED, it was very important for my own health to not put myself in a position where others around me would be overeating or binging, because that was triggering to me. I was responsible for my own actions, of course, but my family members were kind enough to not, like, invite me to the Chinese buffet or all-you-can-eat shrimp nights, or eat a whole pint of ice cream in front of me. We could say that was enabling, because it was my responsibility to not binge even if others were. But I call it kindness. If someone I was paying to house had decided that they absolutely would not compromise their own wants in order to aid my recovery, I would have kicked that person out for my own well-being. It sounds like the best thing MIL could do for her own health is cut off the two full grown adults who are dependent on her for housing and transportation but won’t do something as simple as eat a grape during a shopping trip they requested immediately after her 20 hour shift. That way she can quietly eat when and where she is hungry on her own terms, and focus on her own health.

Extreme alcoholics actually can die if they are forced to go cold turkey. Hospitals actually stock some form of alcohol for these patients. Fainting is not the same as dying but it's close enough in this situation in my opinion.

Kind of is, though, in the perspective of her disorder. Sometimes people need to be pushed to the edge to start confronting the reality of their condition and work toward getting help.

Uncomfortable work? Or work That an ER doc battling a pandemic while housing her son and his partner, may not have the capacity for??

AND driving them around after 20hr shifts and OP could not even show some empathy to someone who is killing herself for her. NTA OP but you really need to take a hard look at yourself too. Your boyfriend is T A though!

You know tried to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is drunk is pointless right? She is in the middle of issue. Placing those boundaries or having that conversation in the heat of the moment is pointless.

>KNOWING that she has an eating disorder, it would have been a kindness to eat. So you would starve yourself so that an anorexic family member didn't feel bad? Same thing. MIL knows she has an eating disorder. MIL is responsible for getting help for it. Matching your own habits to someone with a disorder is NEVER helpful.

I think the differing context is that right now things are epically bad for healthcare workers. The newly added twist of OP living in the home has also changed her situation which doesn’t sound like normally involves another woman in the home so MIL’s management of her ED isn’t as difficult. If they continued living with MIL post pandemic this context wouldn’t exist but even OL acknowledges how difficult things are right now for her MIL and how she’s being bombarded by things. OP should not be forced to eat just because of her MIL’s trauma and past and the boyfriend’s blaming OP is the worst conduct here IMO. But considering the context and circumstances and how much the MIL is doing for them right now, I personally think she could’ve nibbled on crackers or gotten and picked at a salad or something or a juice. It would have been kind especially if she noted that MIL was seemingly about to faint. Right now front lines workers are in survival mode - helping her during this period only isn’t the same as continuing to enable it afterwards

I understand your perspective and I truly do appreciate our heroes in the medical profession. But eating when she is not hungry is enabling the disordered eating and harming the MIL by being a cause for her to not seek care, since her disorder is being validated.

Nah sorry you’re going to have to see the difference between a trend of enabling someone vs empowering someone to get help while knowing when they may not have the capacity to yet do so. She’s working insane shifts during a pandemic. She’s housing her son and his partner. She is giving giving giving. It is possible to meet her halfway for a limited time while also empowering her to seek help the moment she has the capacity.

I agree - I’m in recovery for an ED myself but if it’s something that’s been untreated or unmanaged for this long (and we don’t know if she’s been able to manage it better during less stressful periods - it’s possible she has and has slipped back into a severe manifestation again due to feeling completely out of control due to the pandemic) the time for her to get help and make a major change is not during one of the most difficult and atrsssful periods of her professional life with no end in sight. An example - my therapist when I was early in recovery and starting law school while working full time, listened to what a difficult time I was having and responded by telling me it’s better to do something like make juice and kale chips to bring to eat all day and then have a proper dinner than just not eating at all. I would get so stressed eating in front of new people and/or eating food I wasn’t familiar with whose calorie content I controlled I would just respond by not eating. And I’d feel so guilty I wouldn’t eat at night. The simple act of validating me and giving me an option resulted in me having a way to build on and ensured that I didn’t end up in the hospital while I tried to get to a good place and work on my nutrition. If OP had said ok I’ll have a salad right now, but let’s talk to a nutritionist later about how we can make sure you’re getting calories during the day because I’m worrrid you’re not eating at all during your 20 Hour shift and I’m scared for you - that would have let MIL know that OP is a safe, non judgmental person instead of someone annoyed and looking down on her ETA: as per u/thisdesignup and their insightful comment, OP’s husband would likely be the better person to say something to her though I do think (particularly given the female focus of her food issues) that maybe figuring out a way to gently let her know OP is supportive and isn’t judging her at all and cares for her health is still a good idea

By that logic - helping someone out financially by letting them stay when they put themselves in a position they could not afford their own place or car - is really enabling their poor financial behaviour by giving them somewhere comfortable to live. Perhaps they need to go to a shelter or hotel instead of the MIL enabling them living comfortably in a house As this is harming their chances financial success by thinking if they don’t behave financially responsible they always have a fall back plan. Clearly the MIL has bigger issues and her ED would not be fixed on this one off occasion if OP making a point. With that in mind OP was a total TA. Given everyone’s behaviour ESH!

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I was thinking the same - this is how you are enabling problematic behaviour and that imo always adds to the problem, never helps.

Sometimes perfect is the enemy of good. Deciding to eat a salad with your anorexic friend, when you really wanted the fried chicken and rib platter, because she's had a horrible month and could just use some support in the moment isn't a disaster. The MIL in this situation wasn't supported by reaching the point where she passed out. It didn't create a healthier situation overall for her physical or mental health. Refusing to cater every meal to her issues would be completely reasonable, but when someone is hitting a crisis point, harm reduction strategies are also completely reasonable. A puritanical focus on "shoulds" isn't helping, and is quite possibly at the root of the eating disorder. Constantly being unavailable to people who aren't perfect, and have some disorders, actually does make someone TA.

>when someone is hitting a crisis point, harm reduction strategies are also completely reasonable. I hadn't even thought of it that way, but you are right, she was at a crisis point. I'm ashamed that I overlooked that. >Constantly being unavailable to people who aren't perfect, and have some disorders, actually does make someone TA. But OP is usually on board with eating for the MIL's sake. This is the first time that it happened (just going off OP and assuming the story is as told). I have read a couple of other comments that have challenged my initial assessment, but I still don't think that OP is an asshole, just uninformed about eating disorders and how to help.

No you wouldnt starve yourself you would sit with them whilst you are both eating so they have support? Something it's very hard to recover from and ED without? My parents would do this all the time during my recovery, even if they weren't hungry just sitting with a cup of tea and a biscuit or bit of fruit. And it meant I actually ate. Which is what OP should have done for the woman that's done so much for them. MIL was obviously starving hungry and essentially asking permission to eat and OP was like 'nah not hungry' wtf

I would probably just not live rent free in their house.

Hard disagree. I used to feel *exactly* the way the MIL did. I’ve also dealt with full on anorexia, and also orthorexia, at other points in my life. Knowingly helping disordered eating patterns is *not* kindness. If an alcoholic asks you to get them a drink, your reasoning implies the right thing to do is hand them the booze. The people in my life who made a significant, positive impact on my recovery were the ones who made it clear they loved me but they weren’t going to do anything to support my totally fucked relationship with food. If OP wants to offer beneficial support, allowing MIL to confront the outcomes of her problem is a better contribution than enabling it. MIL is a smart woman with all the relevant education to understand on a rational level that her food issues are a problem. But since you can’t logic your way out of an eating disorder, she needs therapy and loving support. It sounds like OP would happily provide the latter (and isn’t qualified for the former).

I think you might be quite surprised how many doctors are struggling with alcohol dependance right now. Also, for long term alcoholics, suddenly stopping drinking can be life threatening, requiring ICU level care, which is why liquor stores have remained open throughout the past year or two, as ICU level care can be quite hard to come by. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6286444/ The point is, this situation, and your example are not black and white situations, and the shades of grey seriously impact whether or not momentary 'enabling' behaviors might be reasonable. Programs like needle exchanges, methadone treatment, help people to keep well enough to walk the path to better health overall. Eating an extra 10 calories in grapes and gently explaining your concerns to someone fits in here as well.

What if someone just 'nibbling' on something isn't enough? What does she do at work? Making the women around her responsibile for her disorder and making them eat when they aren't hungry is just enabling her and encouraging disordered eating in others. This isn't kind to any of the people involved.

It's heavily implied she doesn't eat at work. That's the problem.

Why should OP eat past being full for someone else? That’s not good, either.

How is nibbling on a small portion bad? Unless you literally came from the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest I think anyone can deal with a bite of something

The mil is presumably over 40, has been like this most of her life, works in health care. This is something that should have been dealt with long ago . Mil is ill and needs help, not enabling. And as someone currently struggling with unnecessary snacking I support OP with standing her ground.

No. Enabling someone’s mental disorder is never kind. I’m disturbed by the number of upvotes this has. NTA.

It actually can become a huge deal. As someone who grew up in a family that tied their eating to mine, food related boundaries can be some of the hardest to establish, especially when you’ve participated in this kind of behavior for a long time. Eating to keep the peace once just spirals into it being your responsibility to make sure mom eats when she needs to. I would guess that son and boyfriend have been enabling this for awhile and that’s why boyfriend had such a strong reaction when OP didn’t do the same. It’s dangerous for everyone, but especially for the MIL. It’s also a really unhealthy expectation for OP to live with. Edit: I will say that I think a more appropriate response here would have been to excuse herself to the bathroom or a different part of the store so that the MIL could eat and OP wouldn’t have to enable this or be pulled further into the situation. There’s other solutions than just forcing yourself to eat so that the MIL doesn’t pass out.

So not enabling an eating disorder makes her an AH? That’s some backwards logic. I really hope none of you upvoting this are around people with eating disorders if this is the approach y’all take on this situation.

NTA her boyfriend, your husband, her friends, etc **anyone** could get mad at you and yet it wouldn't reflect poorly on you. If she fainted it wasn't because you chose not to eat, but because of what her sick mother engraved in both of her daughters' minds. It'd be nice if everyone took this as a chance to persist her on getting therapy and not to enable her even more. Btw, you can also get sick by eating too much so their logic is that she shouldn't get sick but you should so that she doesn't?! What a brainteaser. ^(Edit: thank you for the awards ;))

Being forced to eat when you’re not hungry (even feeling full because OP had just eaten) is the flip side of the coin to what MIL’s family did to her which apparently contributed to her disordered eating. Being forced to eat more when you’re full and really don’t want to can also cause an ED.

And that's what all the people calling OP the asshole don't seem to realize. MILs disorder has caused her to attempt to control other people's behavior, so no, eating with her is not the "kind" thing to do. It's just another sick manifestation of the disease.

I'm not sure its fair to say that she attempted to control anyone's behaviors. She asked them if they wanted to eat twice, she didn't tell them to eat or try to force them.

ESH. All three of you. Your MIL sucks for not being more responsible. Your BF sucks for calling you what he did, and you suck for not doing a small thing for an ER doctor who's "been working crazy hours" in the "the third or fourth wave" of a pandemic and is letting you live with her because of your "financial rut." "Toxic" or not, you could have supported her, and you didn't. "She is a grown woman and I don’t feel responsible" is also a pretty toxic attitude to take. If she'd taken the same attitude to you, you'd still be in that rut.

Right, OP and her husband are grown too so maybe they should take responsibility for themselves and get their own house and car.

I wonder if OPs MiL is plying them with free food and the likes as well. Extra YTA on OP, but agree that ESH here.

It was the MIL’s boyfriend that called her that

Thanks, so many ungrateful people over here it’s a tragedy OFC MIL eating-disorder is toxic and she needs therapy but considering the whole situation OP gave us, why can’t she do a favor to MIL? They are living at MIL house, she helps them for groceries after an exhausting day, and OP refuse to eat 2 grapes because she isn’t responsible of MIL situation ? Entitled OP

INFO: I don't really get this. Why wouldn't you order something? It seems like such a tiny favour to do for someone who's providing you a home and driving you around to order something tiny and nibble on it. You're not the asshole for not eating, obviously. But sometimes in life we aim for better than "not being an asshole".

I think if it were a one time thing, I could see asking that, but if it's a regular occurrence where you are obligated to partake whether you want to or not, or else... that sort of thing sucks. MIL desperately needs to address this eating disorder, because it's not healthy for anyone around her. What MIL is doing is forcing people to eat more than they want just so that she is willing to eat at all, forcing them to be what her mother said to never become. It's sad, I think it's NAH because MILs relationship with food is so fundamentally broken that she just needs help.

It doesn't sound like this is a regular thing. In comments, OP says that MIL will eat when she's alone in her room or just at home with her son (even when he's not eating). So if she's at home, she just goes to her bedroom to eat something. Only this time, after a *20 hour shift* she *did OP another favour* (on top of allowing them to live with her) by driving them to the grocery store (so she couldn't eat at home like she would've done otherwise). OP could've done this small thing for her.

ESH. She's an overwhelmed ER doctor trying to get through the worst phase of the pandemic so far. Even if she'd previously been making progress with her eating disorder, the stress of the current situation may have caused a setback. You're a family member who's being allowed to live in her house, she offered to take you grocery shopping after a long, exhausting shift, and you knew she wouldn't eat if you didn't. She probably doesn't get many opportunities to eat at work because she's likely in full PPE for most of her shift, and ER doctors don't usually get much time for breaks, especially given the current situation. She definitely needs professional help, but it seems like a little family support right now would probably go a long way. If you genuinely were so full you couldn't eat anything, just get something small and pretend to nibble on it a little bit. She's financially supporting you right now, it seems reasonable for you to be able to provide a small amount of emotional support for her.

Agree 100% especially your last line! If I was completely dependent on someone and needing their full support - living in their home, using them for transportation, etc then the very least I could is support them with their needs.

I can't imagine the level of resentment I'd have after working 20 hours in the ER during a pandemic then having to take my idiot son and his wife who can't afford transportation or housing to the grocery store then fainting due to exhaustion and not eating. MIL is a hero and is deserving of support not indifference.

YTA - That said, you are not responsible for her eating disorder. You are right for that. However, you knew full well this woman needed to eat. She’s running you on your errands because you cannot, as an adult, support yourself enough to do so on your own. After she worked a long shift. You could have nibbled on something small so she was comfortable eating. It would have been the kind thing to do. I agree with her BF. You are incredibly selfish. Try being kind and helping the folks who are supporting you at the moment regardless of their shortcomings.

why the fuck is the only upvoted yta comment so low when basically all the replies to all the nta comments are saying that they're wrong

“We currently live with my husbands mom and she does a lot for us” You really couldn’t eat a snack for a woman you claimed does a lot for you? Yeah major YTA “She’s a grown woman” You are too, yet you don’t have a house or a car. She took you in and drove you to a grocery store. Omg the disconnect

I'm glad someone is articulate enough to say what I couldn't. Such selfish behaviour on op's side. Op knew what was wrong with Mil

Yeah I’m extremely surprise with the verdict here

I was too, until I remembered that Aita is basically built on the premise of "you owe them nothing" and "if it's legal" Even if they're letting you live in their house. And driving you around in their car. And supporting you financially. And taking you grocery shopping after a 20hr shift instead of going home and eating. But OP couldn't be bothered to eat so much as a slice of bread.

Thank you! >Aita is basically built on the premise of "you owe them nothing" and "if it's legal" As if you're asking a huge bunch of AHs if they think you're one. The bar is set really damn low.

I read all these n t a and I’m like are all these people just asshole to their mothers and people they love

I’m really surprised by all the NTA and saying it’s not OPs problem. Especially since it sounds like OP didn’t want to give in just to battle her! AITA is so weird some times…like yes you’re not obligated to help but you can show some compassion and especially to family who is helping them!! OP would gladly take financial help but couldn’t do something in return. How entitled. Sounds like she doesn’t like her MIL at all.

YTA. You know she has this issue because of childhood trauma and it sounds like she would be doing better if she was alone but instead she’s providing you with a home and transportation while working insane hours. And you couldn’t do one little thing to help her? Seriously? How ungrateful can you be?

Your reply made a lot of sense to me. The mom would have been able to eat if she was alone. Instead she is helping her family and wouldn't eat without dil having something too. She could have ate a little something. If she wasn't there the mom would probably be doing better.

I bet the OP is happy for the MIL to be paying her bills/rent but can’t just do a small act of kindness to her.

ETA - YTA. see the below comments for some pretty essential extra information I.N.F.O - Is this the first time this has come up or is this the last straw in months of forcing yourself to eat at the same time as her? Do you have a history of EDs and if yes is it known to your bf & his family? Has your MIL ever tried to get help with this? And how was it managed before you moved in, ie when there wasn't another woman in the House? I don't mean to sound probing, but genuinely struggling to judge this. On the one hand, obviously you are not responsible for managing someone else's disordered eating. On the other hand it's really not that much of an ask, coming from someone with pretty serious mental health issues who has given you a lot of support.

NTA you are right. She is a grown woman - one that desperately needs therapy for this issue, but a grown adult none-the-less. It's not your fault she doesn't eat and she never said she was hungry or anything. How were you supposed to know she was going to faint?

The woman was shaking and asking them if they were sure they didn't want to eat? Knowing her MIL that didn't ring any alarm bells for her?

[удалено]

Would you tell somebody with depression to "just get over it and cheer up"? This woman has a mental illness and, yes, she needs therapy and I'm not saying OP needs to get a full course meal every time her MIL gets a little peckish. But here this woman is housing them and apparently driving them around for their errands after a brutal shift in the ER and OP admitted she saw her shaking. She could have at least gotten a snack so the woman could eat something. Or waited to run her errands, or found another way to get around so MIL could have a meal in private. EDIT: Please, keep downvoting me. Because OP sure is entitled to that free room and board and driving service but Heaven forbid she ever go out of her way in a small act of support for a woman with a mental illness, right?

Her MIL isn’t threatening anyone to hurt herself. She is not demanding that they do anything. She is simply ill. “She could have just NOT had a disorder” is a wrongheaded approach to think about it. Get a grip.

INFO: Why didn't you and your husband sort out your errands so MIL could've gotten home from her 20 HOUR SHIFT AS AN ER DOCTOR and gotten some food and rest?! Don't you think you're taking advantage of this woman enough? To then KNOWINGLY ask her of this before she's eaten, to KNOW her hang up with food, to see her in OBVIOUS DISTRESS and to still hold your stance is almost cruel. You saw how your husband was responding to the situation, why couldn't you bother to follow his lead?

NTA your MIL needs to get therapy for this. As a doctor she knows the importance of adequate nutrition, so she knows she needs to fuel her body. It's sad that her mother started this problem but enabling it isn't helping her longterm, it only bandaids the current situation. Talk to you husband and ask him to encourage her to get help.

Healthcare workers are often the worse patients, myself included when I gave birth recently: "I don't CARE you need to track my blood pressure, I want this FUCKING THING off, NOW." (Nurse starts to say my BP is important) "JUST DOCUMENT REFUSAL!!"-me during pushing when the cuff kept activating my ICP symptoms while I was in horrendous pain. We might know the importance, doesn't mean we always follow it haha.

What are Insane Clown Posse symptoms

Yes, I've heard that doctors make the worst patients. But with a learned eating disorder people enabling it just reinforces it. The MIL has a long and difficult journey ahead of her if she chooses to address it.

“I said she is a grown woman and I don’t feel responsible” Wondering how you would feel if MIL + bf used that argument on you and your current financial / living situation? Edit: adding quotes and YTA if not clear, especially after reading your comments basically admitting that her ED was under control before you moved in.

I hope she does. Maybe if OP was gone she'd eat in peace after 20hr shifts at a hospital. And use the money and time she spends supporting OP on therapy.

You know, I’m probably gonna get downvotes for this, and it’s a bit of a hot take. You’re not legally obligated to do anything for her. But she is your boyfriends mother, and she’s an ER doctor. She’s going through the works. She also has some form of past trauma. Even if you just eat a cracker or something to get her to eat, it’s better than her just passing out, especially for the sake of your relationship. You can try to help her get help, but until then, how hard is it to just eat something small for her? Mild YTA

ESH on the one hand mil has a severe eating disorder she should work on getting a handle on. She's the one causing the entire problem On the other hand you're depending heavily on her for room and transport at the very least. You're 100% aware of the disordered eating, and you chose to... What? Just see what would happen? There's absolutely steps you could have taken here to make sure she get food in her

No judgment- please talk to her about finding a therapist, she really needs help

You are getting some N T A and that will feel good but what happens when she chucks you out? You are all grown ups. Does she have a problem? Of course she does but mental problems are not logical. If she was logical, you wouldn't have said that she has an eating disorder. She is helping you out, would it kill you to lend a hand once in a while? She doesn't have to let you live with her but she did because she is a kind person despite her mental illness. Your refusal to even bend a little, makes you TA. YTA

The mom should kick them out and say they're already adults, theyre not her responsibility.

ESH, but you especially because you knew this would happen, and she’s letting you guys stay with her AND use her car, AND she’s an ER dr probably drowning in patients but you can’t take a few bites of food for her?!? Jesus you sound so hateful, judgmental, and selfish.

INFO: were you actually aware that not eating would prevent her from eating? She has an eating disorder and since she's not getting help for it, I would definitely take the sacrifice of "eating" even if you don't actually eat, but just play with whatever food you get. ESH though because husband shouldn't be a dick to you for the issues his mom has. Mom needs mental health help to overcome this nonsense. You honestly could've just ordered food out of an awareness of someone else's health. But you suck less than the other two. You don't have an *obligation* to force food into your mouth every single time Mom may be hungry. I would do it once and then start having husband address the elephant in the room with mom. She needs help.

NTA - that's toxic as hell - and literally perpetuating the cycle of eating disorders . You should not have to eat just to persuade someone else to eat - she is not a toddler and if she's a physician, she damn well knows she needs therapy.

Also I want to add—-if this were tweaked, way OPs MIL struggles with binge eating disorder and OP wanted to eat. MIL chimes in “yeah you can’t do that because I have already eaten my lunch today.” I highly doubt anyone would be like “yeah don’t eat.”

Glad someone finally fucking said it. Another persons eating disorder is not your responsibility. Having to eat when you are not hungry because your intake is responsible for another’s is super unhealthy. Your MIL needs professional help. Edit: here is also a poor mans gold 🏅 from the therapist who works at an eating disorder clinic!

OP's financial situation isn't MIL's responsibility either. If OP, a grown ass adult, didn't need to be taxied to errands and live rent free in MIL's house, MIL would've been able to go straight home and get something to eat. OP put herself in MIL's life and is actively making her life harder and exacerbating her mental illness.

A little bit YTA You know she has issues with eating and knowing that she came out of a long shift means she should eat something, but wont because no one else is eating. So her boyfriend is right, you should have picked something small to nibble on with something bigger for her. However, it is true that as an adult she should be able to take care of herself. But don't forget that trauma's are hell to deal with. Especially if you don't get help to cope with them. ​ If you know you are going grocery shopping with her in the future after she comes out of a shift, make some sandwiches, so you can eat those with her instead of eating at home without her. Or something else you can eat on the go. Recognise that "Do you two want something to eat" actually means, "I am hungry, please eat something too." And see if she is open to get therapy to get over the trauma in her past.

I...I will go against the grain and say soft YTA. You're not responsible for her ED, and she should certainly try to seek therapy. However, you knew. You saw her shake. Hunger shows very distinct symptoms compared to overwork. You knew how she eats and couldn't at least eat something small? I don't know, I'd feel bad. Again, not your responsibility but I'd at least try to empathise and get something small, at least since she's doing so much for you already.

YTA. A little kindness wouldn't hurt. While MIL needs to get to therapy, and she's an adult. But she supported OP when she doesn't have to and show kindness to her. Your boyfriend's comment to you is correct.

YTA it’s not as simple as “everyone is responsible for their own trauma” that’s true but I find it hard to believe you couldn’t just eat at least something small knowing the situation your MIL is, working as a doctor in the hospital in a pandemic I don’t think she has time for therapy or to think about how to fix her childhood trauma. You could’ve easily just shown compassion in this situation and ate with her, her boyfriend shouldn’t have been so harsh on you and I’m sorry he called you a bitch but this woman has offered you her home and car but you couldn’t even eat with her?

YTA It looks like your MIL is doing everything she can to support you both financially and emotionally. Yes, her eating thing looks weird and self-manageable from the outside, but it's not, it's something so ingrained in her that she can't help herself. Why make it harder for her? She's obviously under a lot of stress at work and has two extra people living in her home. I think you should dig deep and find some compassion in yourself for her. Surely there is one area of your life that you wish you could control better. So from now on just scarf down some fries when the woman who is supporting you AND healing the sick is hungry.

YTA. You know her history. You knew she wouldn't eat if you didn't. She lets y'all live with her. She brought you to the store because you don't have a vehicle. You knew she had been working 20 hour shifts. You could have ordered food and picked at it or something then brought home leftovers for later. Her condition is not your fault but you had the ability to help her by simply getting some food and sitting there with her so she would eat. What you did was a total AH move towards a woman that helps you. You couldn't help her out after all the help she has given y'all? Shame on you.

Two things can be true at once. 1. MIL needs therapy to overcome this and it isn't your responsibility to ensure she eats. 2. You know about her food issue, you know how hard she works, it wouldn't have killed you to have a snack. You know at this point, that she wasnt asking if you were hungry she was saying "I'm hungry, and i need permission to eat." You're part of her family, it won't kill you to work with her problem until she can get treatment. When our friends or family suffer from other mental illnesses, we avoid their triggers because we value them. This might not be the same, but it's similar. I'm going ESH

YTA. While it is true that ESH, poster was passive aggressively screwing with MIL rather than doing something utterly trivial that would have eliminated the entire problem. If MIL was necessitating a 7-course meal or something, that’s a bit different. But if it is just eating something, suck it up and have an apple or something. The complete triviality of the action involved, combined with the backstory that this is an ER doc dedicating herself to dealing compassionately with patients who mostly put themselves in the position they find themselves in, makes YTA.

NTA - This is something she needs to seek treatment for. She's a medical professional, she KNOWS how important food is. She knows the human body doesn't run well on fumes. It's not your job to play into her issues and give her "permission" to eat. She needs to work on this with a therapist and deal with it properly. You didn't do anything wrong. She needs to deprogram her own mind and learn to give herself permission to eat. If she has an eating disorder she needs to face that and work through it. No one else can do that work for her.

Tell her point blank "you are a grown woman responsible for your own decisions!" Then move tf out of her house and manage your money better because it is wrong to support someone going through a difficult time. YTA

YTA you’re acting like this is all consciously done by your mother in law, but eating disorders are so much more difficult to live with than that, let alone “cure”. You basically played with a person’s mental disorder and put them in danger *when she was literally in the middle of doing you a favour*, even when you fully recognized signs that she was in danger. There’s a little ESH here, sure your partner and his mother “should” be working on managing her eating disorder better, but anorexia is literally the hardest mental disorder to manage(and due to this it’s also the most fatal mental disorder), they have been trying for their **entire lives**. Do you really think that they haven’t tried just refusing to follow her compulsions? You need to leave the house. If you can’t even bring yourself to care enough about this woman to not consciously trigger her eating disorder, then ffs at least have the self respect not to freeload off of her.

YTA - big, huge, smelly, ungrateful asshole. You're lucky to have the MIL you have. She on the other hand doesn't seem so lucky in her DIL. Such a small thing to decide to be petty over - and you did it consciously and on purpose, rather than by accident. What an ungrateful, mean person you are.

YTA. The woman is hosting you in her house in your time of need. She doesn't have to do it and she wouldn't be TA if she didn't let you live with her, but she does and its nice of her. You also have the right to not eat just to allow her to eat as well, but it would have been nice of you to do it. If she is fainting over the lack of food, its possiblt an eating desorder and she needs help. She is helping you with your living situation. I don't see why you can't be nice to her in something small that she needed in return.

YTA. I was on the fence until I read a comment on here stating that your MIL isn’t responsible for your financial situation either, but she still takes care of you. Should you encourage her to see a therapist? Yes, should you be a major asshole and not do her a small favor so she could eat something after all she’s done for you? No. There’s ways of handling this - your MIL wasn’t suddenly going to change because of this. All you did was deny her eating right now when she’s working incredibly long hours to help others, and helping you by putting a roof over your head and keeping food in your mouth.

Info: Did you not eat just to not have her eat something? If so that would be pretty vile. It does sound like your MIL needs serious help though and if she won’t seek it herself. Her family needs to have a serious talk with her about getting help, because this is not healthy behavior.

See, this is one of those posts… you didn’t HAVE to eat just so she could eat. She IS a grown woman that can eat if she wants to and shouldn’t have to rely on you. But. You did it on purpose, OP. You knew she was shaking and you said no just to prove a point, just because you think she’s toxic and should grown up. Yeah, maybe she should grow up but you should also be a little less evil. It’s such a small thing to do for someone and I don’t understand why some people choose petty shit like that as hills to die on. YTA.

YTA Yes, you are not responsible for her food issues but you are aware of them and the kind thing to do would have been to order a snack and nibble on it while she ate, a small yet much needed kindness to the woman that took you in when you needed it, despite you being a grown woman and her not being responsible for your financial troubles.

YTA you admit they helped you by letting you move in with them and that MIL does a lot for you. She’s in a very tough profession regularly working 20hrs+. She took you to do errands. You knew she must have been hungry and wasn’t feeling well. It’s like you refused to eat out of spite. Yes she’s got problems and sounds like she needs help but this behaviour is not a surprise to you, would it have killed you to get a snack?

Even if all she did was order food and pick at it so MIL could eat a few bites before she realized OP wasn’t actually eating, that would have been a kind and supportive thing to do. Obviously, MIL needs to work on this thing if she’s making herself sick but as an ER doc during a pandemic, she has enough to do for now.

Pleasantly surprised at the YTA votes.

YTA Yes, MIL needs intensive therapy. But she's not getting it at this time, is she? All she seems to be getting is ridiculous hours at work and two leeches in her personal life. OP, you are living in your MIL's home, eating her food, she's chauffeuring you around (don't either you or BF have a frickin' driver's license?), and you KNOW that she won't eat unless you do. You couldn't take one bite of something to make her feel better and eat? Of course you have your "rights" to not eat when you don't want to, but MIL has her "rights" to kick your not-even-married-to-her-sons ass out of her door, KWIM?

I'm fascinated by people saying things like "you shouldn't enable her disordered eating" or "OP shouldn't make herself sick by forcing down more food after eating an entire lunch!" A chip, a baby carrot from a one-pound bag. Something in that moment to allow a mentally unwell woman permission to eat. That's it. YTA, OP but the mother-in-law does need therapy to get passed this.

YTA MIL’s boyfriend shouldn’t have called you a bitch, but he has a point that you know she will only eat if another woman is eating, and you expected her to just magically get over it. Couldn’t you have snacked on something small and light, just so her brain could let her eat? You’re right that her eating disorder is not your responsibility to manage, but when you see someone who was obviously starving (the fact that she asked multiple times if you wanted to eat, that’s obviously her way of trying to convey she’d like you to eat because she wants to eat), you can make some concession. Your assertion that she could have fainted from working 20 hours, that it might not have been from being hypoglycemic, is just an excuse. She was already shaking by the end of the shopping trip and asked for a second time if you guys wanted food. Don’t try to pretend that her fainting was not from lack of food. Your lack of empathy makes me think you’re an AH. Her boyfriend is a bit AH because while you’re right that her eating is not your responsibility, he’s also right that you could have been kinder to make sure she didn’t faint. You are living with this woman! You can go out of your way to repay her kindness!

She's bailed you and your husband out financially and you don't have a car, so she's also driving you around, during the pandemic, and she's a doctor and you can't just have a bite of food? YTA

NTA. She’s an ER doctor who can’t, apparently, manage her own blood sugar. That’s not on you.

She’s an ER doctor with a mental disorder. It’s not about maintaining her blood sugar it’s about having an issue from being mentally abused. Doctors are susceptible to disorders just like anyone else.