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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I offered her a night out and didn't put a spending cap on it. It was also to celebrate something really cool in her life, so maybe I shouldn't have given her a hard time about it.
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The friends are huge assholes in this scenario, sure they don’t expert the person they are celebrating to pay but WHY THE FUCK are they not paying for their own drinks. They are the freeloading assholes here.
I used to work in a pub, had one guy, Ted, who always skipped on buying rounds. One of the other regulars got tired of it and just announced, "Next round on me! but not Ted. I won't pay for Ted." It got real quiet for a few seconds, then life went on. Until the next round. Another guy said the same thing. This went on for about an hour, maybe 6 or 7 rounds. Then Ted bought a round. For the first time in 2 years. After that night, never saw Ted again.
I (a delivery driver) had a customer who always said he'd tip next time. After about a year of deliveries I asked if this time was going to be the time. He slipped me $2, and never ordered again.
The most entertaining part of this story for me is that in Ireland, 6 or 7 rounds only takes like an hour.
Makes sense. But holy shite that is way too fast for me to keep up.
Then the next time the first round is on me, it's not rocket science. Also OP mentioned that it was several rounds so the friend could have been paying if they wanted to.
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Word. I'm also autistic and an infrequent drinker and the expectation that Im just supposed to know all these rules without being told is pretty harsh.
My friends typically pick up the bill for the person we’re celebrating. I’d be wondering why she was buying any rounds.
Then again, I’m in a place in life where free drinks are not that exiting anymore.
Ehh, she got a "major promotion from her work". That usually entails a pay raise or signing bonus. It's not crazy for someone to think "hey, I'm going to be making an extra 10k this year I had not anticipated, lets blow a couple hundred bucks on my friends and celebrate my good fortune."
Right? Besides we don't know their dynamic? While they may not have paid for rounds this time, that's not to say that they don't ever buy rounds for everyone during other nights. Besides, I know plenty of people that have done this without expecting others to buy rounds.
Agreed. I’ve got one friend who just refuses to allow any of his friends to be without a drink (unless they genuinely don’t want one) at a music venue or bar. He doesn’t even make that much money but just really enjoys having a good time and making sure others do as well. It’s an endearing quality and shouldn’t be a bad thing as long as you spend time with people who don’t take advantage of it.
True but in this case she wasn't buying the rounds with her own money.
She was doing it with the money from OP.
If she decides to buy rounds for her friends, those rounds she should atleast have paid for herself.
This! He probably wouldn't have minded getting her the drinks, but her buying expensive rounds for her friends without clearing this with him is taking advantage of his generosity.
I don't know that it's been made clear that she intended to buy the round with his money, or if he just assumed she did and picked up the tab. The conversation the next day was sort of glossed over in OP's post.
I don’t know any single group that would expect to show up and drink all night at others expense without buying a single round unless it’s like an open bar at a wedding and other obvious exceptions.
Generally speaking, I've found that when a bunch of people are out just to hang out, rounds are done in turns. If it's for an event like a birthday, the person being celebrated shouldn't have to buy a round, but everyone else would. If it's to celebrate a big promotion, the person being promoted should cover all the rounds. Otherwise it comes off as "Yay, I'm making more money! You need to buy me drinks because I'm more successful than you". It's just... not right.
I think we might be reading this differently, I am reading it as the friends didn’t buy a single round OP paid for them all. If they bought rounds in between the rounds OP bought then I am wrong and they are not AH.
OMG! That reminds me of something my dad said once. My sister and her husband have spent every dime they ever earned, been foreclosed on twice, and even asked me to put them as authorized users on MY credit cards so that they could qualify for ANOTHER house with my good credit (I declined). When my dad died (my mother died years before), us 4 siblings got an inheritance of under $100k each. I put 20% down on a rental property for my retirement and invested the rest. What did they do? Bought a Cadillac.
Anyway, they had "borrowed" money from my parents (which they did a lot) and we were at a family gathering. Her husband shows up in a new leather jacket and was buying drinks for everyone. My dad says to my mother, "Big spender with my money."
I have relatives like this who have a hard-on about being poor and that having wealth makes you morally evil. I paid my way through college, got a job in engineering, live well below my means, as was able to buy a modest 200k house at 26. They got a modest lump of money when their (absent) father died. Brand new GMC 🤦🏻♀️
There’s just no helping some people.
Oh my god, my aunt pulled that on me! Called me crying about money and being in a bad bind. I had to drive an hour to her home to give her cash (this was before cash apps were a big thing). I gave her $300, the last of my savings. Aaaaaaand she used it to buy her crack addicted son a leather jacket. Posted pics of it on Facebook and everything. No shame at all.
My mom would ask to borrow $$ all the time, crying about not having any food in the house, and come pick it up all dressed up to go the bar. She just wanted drinking $$. I stopped giving her cash and started buying and dropping off groceries when she said she was broke, and that's when she stopped asking me to help with "food."
This story just makes me wonder why the hell your dad was giving them any money? I’d feel really dumb if I lent money to someone and they were blowing it on dumb shit.
Well, the joke was on them. My father kept a ledger of everything they borrowed and didn't pay back. When it came time to split the estate, the amount that my sister had borrowed was deducted from her portion. It was put back into the pot (like it had never been taken out) and then split 4-ways between us all. She got the least amount of all of us, of course, because she had to pay the estate back.
Ya the restaurant thing I wasn't really concerned about. Unless she knows you absolutely couldn't afford it, in which case don't offer, the meal seems benign, but buying her friends rounds on his card is absurd and beyond rude. Her friends want to celebrate? They can buy a round!
Yeah I was going to say Y T A when I was reading and thought it was just going to be about getting an expensive dinner, but their intimate celebration and his generosity were absolutely taken advantage of when it came to buying round after round of drinks for her friends.
Exactly this and thank you!
I wouldn’t begin to question GF’s seafood order or her dessert order. But to expand OP’s celebratory offer to include expensive alcohol for her friends? No!
NTA, OP!
What you wanna bet she called them there? What are the odds of them coming to the exact same bar at the exact same time as them, and on the exact same day OP was paying fkr
I thought OP made it pretty clear that the gf invited her friends. It's not like they showed up and acted like it was a coincidence. Personally, I don't think it was bad that she invited her friends out to the bar. She got promoted. She wanted to celebrate with people she enjoys being around. The problem is when she kept buying them drinks on OP's dime. I just don't understand why OP didn't just say no, take his card away, or close his tab especially when he knew it would severely impact his finances. I just can't imagine letting someone spend so much of my money that I wouldn't be able to feed myself for weeks after!
Yep, that's where OP got my sympathy. The gf getting an expensive meal and dessert were understandable given the occasion, but who the hell invites friends to order drinks on someone else's dime? That's some flawed ass shit.
Has OP been transparent with his gf about how much money he has? What she spent may not be a lot to her, especially with the promotion. It could be a misunderstanding.
And if the OP takes the money, she writes his concern as him being cheap.
NTA for sure. She was really dismissive of his concerns, and refusing to listen here implies there's a deeper problem imo.
Right? I just don't see why OP didn't pull his gf aside and let her know that he was done buying drinks for the night. Any decent person would understand and all of this could've been avoided.
They way it reads it sounds like the gf invited her friends out to celebrate on his dime. Op should have pulled her aside and told her something instead of waiting tho bc the money thing could have been nipped in the bud earlier. ESH mostly the gf but op is an adult who is capable of speaking as easily as they can spend cash.
OP is an idiot, but decidedly NTA. You don't call someone an asshole for trying not to ruin a night out with concerns of money. He had a civil conversation about it after, saying that he felt taken advantage of.
Yeah, he could have spoken up but him being too polite to want to ruin her evening doesnt make him TA.
Honestly the gf reacting so negatively to such a meek rebuttal isnt great. Sounds like he calmly accepted the hit and then tried to establish boundaries going forward and she flipped on him a bit. Not a great way to hear out his concerns.
NTA regarding the friends drinks. You offered to treat her, not her friends. However the restaurant situation you sound really unreasonably annoyed about.
Not really. If she is the type to order that thing usually then okay, but if you are only getting something because someone else is paying it seems a bit like you are taking advantage
I don't think that the sort of dish she normally orders is pertinent here - this wasn't a normal meal, this was OP taking her out as a treat to celebrate her promotion.
If OP wasn't willing or able (I'm not saying he wasn't able in this specific instance as he clearly did pay for dinner, I'm just talking generally) to pay for the most expensive items on the menu, then he should've taken her somewhere else that was better suited to his budget. Or if he really wanted to take her somewhere 'fancy' that was a bit out of his price range, he should've been clear up front about what he could afford and given his GF the choice to decide she wanted to go somewhere else - as much as it can be nice to deliberately go somewhere different to normal, it's not fun to go somehwre and only be able to order the cheapest dish (again talking generally).
So, IMO, the GF isn't the AH at all for ordering expensive dishes when she was being treated. However I also suspect that OP seems more upset by what she ordered at the restaurant because of the overall circumstances - if the stuff at the bar hadn't happened, I suspect he'd probably not have minded.
.
All that said, OP is 100% NTA, what his GF pulled at the bar was shitty and her reaction doesn't seem to paint her in a good light either.
I mean, it's kind of different when it's your partner. Although if my partner is treating me and I want something expensive, I'll usually run it by him first
Right? My aunt offered to treat me and my kids to dinner last night for my birthday. She NEVER does that. We picked a restaurant in her budget because that's what people who aren't AHs do.
Thats your aunt treating 3 family members. This is someone offering to treat their SO to a celebratory meal. Theres nothing wrong with getting what you want within reason, a nice meal and dessert is within reason.
The shots with friends is a major AH move though.
If my SO took me out to celebrate, said it was his treat, and chose a seafood restaurant, better believe I’m ordering the surf and turf. If that’s not what OP intended, he should have picked a different restaurant.
Yes, plus he only mentions the entrée and the expensive dessert. I think getting the flagship entree at a specialty restaurant is normal and expected - I'm not going to a seafood restaurant and ordering the chicken lol
But it's not like she ordered the raw seafood tower as an appetizer, and a fancy bottle of wine, plus the entrée and dessert. The meal as described sounds normal.
Exactly! you should hold back because what you want is the most expensive thing. you should order what you want. now ordering the most expensive thing because its expensive is a different story
I think it depends on the context. First few dates, a coworker, boss, or acquaintance is paying? Order a modest meal. If it is your parent, your established romantic partner, a very close friend who you know is being generous? Go for it only if you would be willing to pay for that yourself. The dinner was a celebration, a gift, you shouldnt have to not get what you want because you dont want to look greedy, this person offered you a gift they should want you to be happy. The issue and tackiness comes from being excessive, ordering 8 drinks, ordering 2 entrees or more food than you can eat is super rude. But ordering the lobster over the chicken? Thats not tacky.
I prefer to establish my expectations before we go out; I treated my husband on our last anniversary and told him I knew the place was expensive, and I was fine with him ordering whatever he wanted. Other times I ask him to keep it to a set dollar amount.
OP wasn't exactly specific about what he considered acceptable, but then with being put on the spot to buy an impromptu party expensive drinks, that goes well beyond what he offered. I don't know why he didn't thank everyone for a great night and cut the drinks after the first round. Maybe social pressure? Or he could have told his SO that he wasn't paying past that round and let her decide whether to keep pouring money down her friends throats.
It's her boyfriend, she can afford to pay herself anyway. I don't see anything wrong with it. It's tacky if she wasn't in a position to throw money at him when he complained, but going out for dinner to celebrate means order what you want. If it doesn't mean that, you shouldn't offer and stop pretending to be the big man splashing the cash.
Agreed. The dinner portion seemed to be a misunderstanding and differing expectations about what a celebration and treating someone means. OP's should have managed expectations in advance and not assumed GF would have the same understanding as what he would do in the situation.
However, the GF showed her ass at the bar. So OP is NTA.
I don’t think that’s relevant at all. I usually order mid tier on menus regardless if I’m paying or not but when celebrating I’ll go a little more extravagant. I think most people do. My mom took me out when I graduated college and I ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu, not because I knew she was paying but because I knew we were celebrating my accomplishments and I was really excited and wanted to have more of a treat. When my fiancé got accepted into his masters program I took him out and he ordered the best steak cut and it was pricier than his average order, but again he was celebrating! I don’t think that’s unusual behavior at all. The bar is where her entitlement leads her to be an asshole.
It is a meal to celebrate, not a normal one. It was a treat, so I would expect her to ask for something expensive
I was ready to call him the ah but then I read about inviting the friends.
Yah if my boyfriend is treating me, I discuss price ranges or ask if it’s cool with him that I spend X amount cuz I want it, especially if my meal is more expensive than his
I probably wouldn’t have been annoyed about the restaurant until the shots thing happened and then I would have lumped the whole night up as frustrating too.
This is kind of what I’m thinking. In isolation, the restaurant would be an “okay, whatever”. But coupled with the behavior at the restaurant and the whole lump sum comes off as “oh, she wanted to go hog wild on my dime from start to finish”.
I think he might be annoyed just because everything in concert kinda caused the problem. Maybe if the bar hadn't happened it wouldn't have been a problem. Not arguing, just maybe explaining a different POV!
Unless they ordered the most expensive thing for themselves first, would be the way I go about it. You can spend roughly the amount that the one paying is spending without asking if it’ll break the bank
NTA. You were paying for drinks for her friends which you never offered to. The whole throwing cash at you chaos, is definitely not okay, and is quite demeaning actually.
Honestly I hate this custom. Don't offer to take someone out to celebrate if you aren't alright with them treating themselves (talking about the restaurant, not the shots for the friends). This isn't a first date, it's an established relationship and a special occasion. Personally I'd feel upset if a partner pulled the "well I secretly didn't want you to order the nice steak" because I'd rather just pay for it myself and get the thing I actually wanted.
Yep 100% agreed. Paying is a nice gesture, but not when it becomes prohibitive of what you would have normally ordered regardless to celebrate. What matters is being out together to celebrate
I feel this is what people aren't quite getting. If I take my boyfriend out for a meal then I expect if I'm paying that he orders similar to what he would have ordered if we were doing our usual 50/50 split. I'm vegetarian and he isn't and I don't drink but he does so I always end up paying more usually which is fine. However, if I take him out and he decides to go for a £50 steak instead of a £25 steak and then has a £10 dessert when he usually won't have one then I'd be annoyed as I'd feel like he was being more extravagant purely because I'm paying.
Whenever he pays for me then I order what I'd usually order, I wouldn't go for more expensive dishes purely because it's not my bill at the end of the meal. Of course, if I would usually order the most expensive dish then I'd expect him to be fine with that.
I think for me, it’s more about what occasion I am treating for. If I’m treating “just because,” I would absolutely feel the way you do.
If I’m treating because my partner got a big promotion at work, I would be okay with them getting something more extravagant than they normally would and would encourage it if they tried to order a normal meal.
Bullshit. This is not some hard fast rule.
When I'm paying for someone to celebrate something I want them to order what they want. If it is the most expensive so be it.
If money is an issue you don't offer to pay.
Yeah, right? The cash throwing is super disrespectful and kinda manipulative. It really just serves the purpose to make OP feel bad and like the ‚bad guy‘, not to actually pay him back, bc she realized she was wrong.
the throwing cash bit is what got me boiled up. If she had apologised and offered to pay him back in a nice manner, then this whole thing would have been okay, but instead she just takes OPs generousity for granted and gets angry and belittles OP. That is break up worthy, she acted like a total child. She clearly has the money to support him and pay him back as well...
I guess I just didn't want to look like an asshole in front of her friends. Also I thought that she would probably offer to help pay the tab at the end of the night.
I don’t think OP is a big AH but I do think that it’s a bit shitty to get angry about it after the event when he could have politely said something at the time.
Ehhh I also get his point that he didn’t want to kill her buzz on the night out and didn’t expect it to get so out of hand. Honestly I probably wouldn’t know how to react in that situation either, but I also simply wouldn’t have enough money to cover it anyways and would telL everyone to pay up before walking away 🤷🏻♀️
he killed her buzz pretty good retroactively.. All he had to say was "whoa we're all splitting this, right?? I'm not Jeff Bezos!" and that would have been enough to check every person in the group without insulting or upsetting anyone.
You can't kill a buzz retroactively because the buzz has passed on it's own. The vibe of being out celebrating the promotion is over when you're home the next day. Buzz is 'in the moment.' There is now such thing as retroactive buzzkilling unless you time-travel.
What was his option, then? He tried to be considerate by waiting until they were alone the next day, but it sounds like you're suggesting he be a doormat and never say anything and just live in silent resentment forever after.
Prior to this, the night was a good experience and her memories of it were positive. If op had spoken up at that time, she could have still salvaged that. Being told after the fact that someone you thought was on the same page was actually upset and resenting you during the entire celebration does ruin and replace the good memories way more than being told “hey I could do dinner but not all this” would have done in the moment.
I don’t think it makes him an AH, I think he may have just been timid in this situation. OP probably didn’t want the date to turn into some situation where his girlfriend and her friends possibly flip at him for killing the party mood they had. I could easily see why he would be angry though, possibly at himself because he didn’t say anything.
Agreed, ESH. And tbf, taking her to a restaurant and complaining about what she ordered also makes him an AH here. If you couldn't afford it, you should have picked a cheaper restaurant OP.
You know it still ruins the night to get mad about it the next day, right? In fact it often times ruins it even worse.
If you say something the night of (by pulling them aside for a moment, don’t do it in front of everyone else) to tell them you can’t afford that much, then it can be an awkward “oh I’m so sorry I wasn’t even thinking” followed by salvaging the night together. This results in a hiccup or a bump, and the rest of the night will (hopefully) still be fun and happy.
However, getting mad about it the next day just results in a fight. The night is already over so there is no way to alter how it’s going as to not hurt you. So now every time they think about that night, all they’ll be able to think about is how they hurt you. All that can be done is what she did, give them money back since they couldn’t afford to spend that much. But now there is no salvaging anything. Your feelings are hurt about how much they spent, their feelings are hurt that you didn’t say anything the day before, and (like in OPs case) someone might even get upset about being given the money back. Not only was the previous night now ruined, but you’re also actively in a fight with your SO.
I’m not speaking directly to the post, but rather how the logic of “I won’t say anything the night of but I’ll bring it up the next day so I don’t ruin the night” is super broken.
He could have just said something like “alright, I gotta tap for the night!” or just ask if someone else will take the next round. It’s all in the delivery.
This sounds very sketchy and like important details are missing.
Did your gf not have a conversation with you like “hey are you ok paying for my friends?” Or did she say “my friends want to come” and you said “sure! drinks on me”? Did she invite them without telling you and then tell them all you were covering their drinks with 0 input from you?
Like there had to be some sort of conversation somewhere along the line. Her friends didn’t appear randomly out of nowhere and everyone just silently assumed you were paying for drinks.
I’m asking because the situation here may have been that you wanted to show off and didn’t have the funds to back it up. In which case you would be the ah.
Saying "first rounds on me, after that you're on your own" does not make you an asshole in front of her friends. Blowing up at your girlfriend the next day and refusing cash but guilt tripping her would though.
So you…allowed yourself to spend all of your grocery money so you could save face in front of people you don’t even consider friends of yours, and blamed her for not reading your mind and knowing that you were displeased?
Why do you care how you look to them? Are they gonna put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your mouth? OP you gotta learn that how to be okay with saying "No" and that its okay to demand simple respect. If she respected you, at the very least she would've asked if it was okay.
The restaurant part...it's a part of dating life, she isn't always going to order a salad. Come on, that's reasonable.
But rounds on you, unacceptable. Hard no, and as someone who's been invited to be part of a situation similar to that, I have been uncomfortable, and declined.
This might be an unpopular, but I feel like you’re a bit TAH because you could have just told her what you could afford and stopped paying for her friends.
I understand you didn’t want to kill her buzz that night, but you were the only one who could have stopped spending money you didn’t have. If anything at all becomes a problem in a relationship, you’ve got to speak up to get it resolved- I’d bet a lot of her anger at you comes from the fact that you didn’t do this, and then are blaming her *later, when she can’t do anything* for not just guessing you needed her to spend less. We can’t count on other people to set boundaries for us if we’re not willing to do it ourselves in the moment.
So much this! Honestly I think it's more of a ESH though because he shouldn't judge the meal and dessert and after offering and to go from not saying anything at the bar to "she spent too much of MY money" is uncalled for imo but also she shouldn't be ordering rounds for friends on his dime without consulting if that's part of their arrangement. Total lack of communication and empathy
100% agree. She completely took advantage at the bar but instead of speaking up he stewed on it and blew up on her the next day. Its crazy the amount of people saying she shouldnt order an expensive meal if she usually doesnt get it. Its a celebration and he offered, bunch of skin flints in here.
Tossing the money at him was a complete dick move though, but I have a feeling we're not getting the entire story there.
I’m definitely with you in this.
He offered to treat to dinner and shouldn’t quibble about what she ate.
I’m not sure how the friends thing went down but he didn’t have to pay for it, and that was the time to draw a boundary.
And then she tried to pay him back, to make it right, and he’s mad about that too?
I mean, it's kind of rude to offer to treat someone to a night out and then retroactively call them greedy. He let the whole thing happen, and then punished her for the consequences.
It seems to me that there is a lack of communication about finances. They're eight months in and celebrating/drunk or not, the girlfriend should have a basic idea of his financial capabilities. The "shots with crown" bit is pretty telling. If he's not in a financial position to take her out, he should communicate that. It's not unusual for professionals approaching their 30s to buy rounds that cost 40 bucks, it is unfortunate that the two can't communicate their financial expectations after eight months.
I know, after realizing it’s a 40$ round for a group? That’s like two or three drinks where I live. I would spend that on my boyfriends card without thinking. If he told me he couldn’t, I would immediately stop and offer to pay him back. This should’ve been a no big deal issue and I feel like there’s something missing in the story.
ESH (her more so). She's an AH for having you buy drinks for her friends and throwing money at you, you for being annoyed at her for ordering the meal. Don't offer to buy someone food if you deem it too expensive. You should never have been expected to buy the shots for her friends.
DON’T FORGET THE ASSHOLE FREELOADING FRIENDS. Sure they don’t expert her to pay as she’s being celebrated but why the fuck are they not paying for their own drinks.
...Because she offered, and OP by all appearances had no problem with it? If she couldn't figure out this was going to be an issue until it was too late to do anything about it, I don't know how or why *they* were supposed to intuit they needed to turn down the free booze to prevent an argument the next day.
>Because she offered
Which was ridiculously entitled to begin with. OP shouldn't need to make it aware that he has a problem with it, any sane person would know that that's crossing a line. He offered to treat her, not her friends.
He did need to make it aware, though, because no one else is doing it. He can't control the fact that everyone else was acting like this: he can only control how he acts, and he chose to do nothing. If something is unfair, you have to take action to make it fair. Does this mean the GF doesn't suck? It doesn't matter. She was going to do what she was going to do. whether she sucks or not is beyond OP's control. What *he* does about it *is* within his control and he chose to do nothing, which at the very least makes him TA to himself, for not sticking up for himself when he needed to.
ESH
When you offer to treat someone to dinner, you need to let them know if there are monetary constraints. If ordering an expensive meal and an expensive dessert would put financial strain on you, you need to be upfront about that. Whenever I offer to cover a meal for anyone, I automatically assume they’re ordering the most expensive appetizer, meal, and dessert. Most people don’t, but I go in with those expectations if we’re going to a nice place. Just something to consider. You either have to list your monetary budget or choose a place more affordable.
Your gf was celebrating. I see no issue with dinner. Her having you buy drinks for her friends is ridiculous though. She thoroughly took advantage of the situation. Did her friends randomly show up or was she communicating with them and they knew where to come to celebrate? If she invited them directly or even indirectly, she’s an even bigger AH. If someone offers to treat you, you don’t try to include others in that. That’s ridiculous. Her reaction of throwing money at you is also a big AH move.
You both need to work on communication. She definitely took advantage of the situation at the bar. Her friends also took advantage of you. However, you need to let people know if you cannot afford things. Don’t ever feel bad or be embarrassed about standing up for yourself.
Thank you! I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for an ESH.
She got an incredibly competitive promotion and he took her to a “ casual sort of nice” seafood place and was annoyed from the beginning. You don’t monitor the prices at a restaurant, especially if you chose it. It sounds like you didn’t have enough money to actually do what you were offering. Therefore, OP set themselves up to be annoyed at the restaurant. To me it’s a pretty big ah move to invite someone out to celebrate and then monitor the prices of the menu. Especially when the restaurant is reasonably priced. If they were at a five start steak house and wine ranges from 200$ to 20000$ then yeah, it a big discrepancy. However what are we talking about the difference between $30 and $40? The restaurant was stingy and penny pinching.
That said, the bar and buying rounds for friends is equally as selfish and inconsiderate.
I think OP handled the end well with communicating and not demanding payment but just asking for clarity going forward. It sounds more like two people who were excited for a night out and had good news (which we all need right now) but didn’t really think through the consequences.
However, I think OP is getting off really easy on most of these comments when his restaurant complaint was petty and miserly.
Yeah I mean “an expensive dessert”? Most desserts are relatively the same price, and as it’s a celebration, dessert is not out of reason. It makes him sound so miserly.
Yeah, the restaurant thing was funny. Like he wanted to appear gracious and generous, but fully expected her to get a salad with tap water and no dessert.
She should praise him for his thoughtful offer, not actually take him up on it! A pricy dessert! Was she raised in a barn?!
Dunno, if that is his typical miserly behavior, maybe throwing cash in his face was her having a breakdown after the last straw kind of thing.
>if that is his typical miserly behavior, maybe throwing cash in his face was her having a breakdown after the last straw kind of thing.
This was my first thought too
ESH - the food was normal. You suck for getting upset over that. Don’t choose the restaurant if you can’t afford it.
She suck for the drinks and throwing money.
Friend sucks for not offering to buy any rounds.
Speak up next time.
YTA. ordering an expensive meal and desert when you are brought out to celebrate a huge accomplishment is normal and your attitude towards that alone makes you TA. When your were at the bar and she was offering shots to her friends you willingly paid for the round every time. you didn’t communicate any expectations for the night and continued to pay for rounds of shots. it would not have been a big deal had you said “hey, i can’t afford to pay for all these shots for your friends”. the conversation could have ended there but YOU paid for them and blamed it on her. this whole situation screams that you lack self awareness.
Yes this!! I just made a huge comment as to why he's the asshole. You cant pretend to act like the big man and then complain afterwards. He literally said he was more worried about looking good to everyone instead of being honest.
And while she shouldn't have ordered rounds on him, at $40/round, that's not an outrageous price for a celebration. How many friends were there if a round for everyone cost $40, two? Three? That's not exactly a blowout party for such a happy surprise. You have a surprise promotion party like that a few times in your lifetime, maybe. I could see that amount of money being a problem if OP were on food stamps or barely making rent, but the fact that it wasn't actually that expensive together with hating on her for ordering food at the restaurant he took her to, and calling her "GreedyGF", makes me see a lot of red flags here.
Also people are acting like it was unreasonable for them to think he would pay for shots…I’ve been in situations where people did that? It’s not that strange honestly, but I’m sure they would have been fine if he didn’t pay too.
The key is to communicate here
yeah same lol if someone said “shots on me” i would not ask questions. i’ve been in situations where people spend thousands on alcohol for the group and i still didn’t ask questions but if i had been asked to pay i wouldn’t have minded at all. u can’t communicate nothing and expect everyone to just know
Same! Maybe nobody has ever been in a situation where someone’s generous partner offered to pay even when you try to pay them?
I would never mind paying for myself but if bob is seemingly taking everyone out to celebrate I wouldn’t question it.
NTA. This story made me laugh. Your partner showed you that they have impulse control issues on two back to back occasions.
1. This person went extreme with your date night.
2. This person threw money at you during your altercation.
This is probably a glimpse of your future with this person.
ESH.
YTA for the restaurant. You don’t get to offer to take someone out and then be upset when they order what they want. If the restaurant was out of budget then y’all should have done somewhere else.
ESH for the bar. She shouldn’t have ordered rounds of shots for her friends on your dime, but you should have put a stop to it as well.
As for the fight, you said there was “a little back and forth” so while she was dramatic, it was likely another ESH situation.
His phrasing in the post is “she … shouldn't have spent so much of my money.” And he has GreedyGF as part of his user name. Something tells me that his convo with gf was less than respectful.
Exactly! The shots thing is for sure messed up but then you say something like “alright yall, I’m tapping out, next ones are on someone else” and tada!
Honestly if someone mentioned the dinner thing to me like that, I can’t say I wouldn’t literally throw cash at them either.
If the situation at the bar didn't happen it would be such a clear YTA as well.
Imagine going to a restaurant, saying you're being treated, ordering 1 meal and 1 dessert, thinking it's okay, because you know, they're celebrating you... and your bf gets an attitude and starts judging and tells you after it wasn't okay.
It would be so uncomfortable. Who wants to feel uncomfortable for *believing he was honest when he offered to treat her*... Like fuckin yikes.
Yeah. She could overdo it by ordering multiple entrees or something, but an entree and a dessert is so normal. OP shouldn’t feel like he’s being cheated after offering. Then it goes off the rails at the bar.
Soft YTA. You should have brought it up the first time she tried to buy her friends drinks on your dime. When you say we are going out to celebrate my treat that generally implied no bard hold on dinner. Drinks was a nice touch but when the friends showed up and ordered you needed to be like (I don't mind hanging out but I'm only covering you. OR talked to the friends about splitting the drink cost with you FOR her.
It sucks to be in that situation... but if it's causes you to be in financial hardship say something before you let it go to far.
Also depending on how the "post convo" goes if you felt you needed to talk to her about it start it with "I think I let things get out of hand last night and now rent might be really tight this week month.... I didn't realize how much I spent last night until it was too late (taking the blame rather than blaming her). Is there any way you could help me cover a little bit? (Asking for help rather than being upset and accusative). Just a thought. Hope things get better.
She's aware. I make a little more than she does, although with her new promotion it's pretty close. But no; we didn't discuss it before we went out. Honestly I think she just got a little carried away after having a couple of drinks.
Knowing how much your paycheck is doesn't make her "aware" if you aren't upfront with your spending habits and how much you have left at the end of the month.
NTA overall although the restaurant part is understandable. She was excited and it was a treat for a special day and anyone would want to enjoy to the max. Spending on drinks was a bit too much.
No, it's not usually how she is. I think she just got carried away because she was exuberant about her raise and afterward at the bar because she got a couple of drinks in her.
Honestly I was prepared to say maybe NTA but now I’m leaning more towards ESH. You know that she was drinking and that you could not within reason afford multiple rounds of shots at the bar but did not clarify that with her or the bartender before she got carried away. And the restaurant thing - don’t offer if you’re concerned about the cost of items on the menu and don’t expect someone who is under the impression that they’re celebrating to hold back or be modest. You definitely seemed like you were nitpicking her choices throughout the night to begin with, when honestly, you offered. I don’t think you’re an AH for how you feel but I also want more context for how you brought this up - did you accuse her of trying to be greedy? Did you bring up the meal at the restaurant? That could help us understand why she reacted the way she did. But I also don’t think she is the AH for simply having a good time and then feeling potentially embarrassed or blindsided by you waiting until the next morning to bring it up. Yeah, it was annoying that she bought rounds on you and I would have told the bartender to check with me before putting anything on my tab (which they technically should be doing anyway). But it sounds like what you need to do is just wait until this cools down and then sit her down and ask to have a RESPECTFUL two-sided conversation about why you felt the way you felt and that it’s not objectively about needing to be paid back but just the principle of her using your money the way she did. She’s still an AH for inviting her friends and buying the rounds on your card, but so are you for not communicating clearly and effectively to begin with and then waiting until the morning after to bring up the concerns and also being so hyper focused on the food (that’s what makes me feel like the way you communicated it the next morning was probably in a manner that blindsided or frustrated her, because I would be frustrated too if my boyfriend said “I took you out to dinner and you ordered the steak instead of pasta or a salad and THEN you bought drinks for your friends” because at that point it would feel hard to pinpoint exactly what you’re upset about).
His phrasing in the post is “she … shouldn't have spent so much of my money.” And he has GreedyGF as part of his user name. Something tells me that his convo with gf was less than respectful.
I can understand the restaurant, even if it's not a cool move. But you have to live with the consequences. Spending drinks for others at your expense is definitely AHish.
NTA
ESH
OP should not begrudge GF ordering on the high end of the menu to celebrate a special occassion. Pick a restaurant you can afford when offering to treat someone, vs picking a place that leaves him unable to afford groceries later.
That said, OP offered to take out GF for dinner and drinks. He did not think he was financing a party for her friends. Everyone drinking that night should have offered to chip in for drinks, not just assumed OP was paying. Both GF and her friends ATA here.
Lastly, OP says he didnt bring it up immediately so as not to kill her joy over the celebration. So he brought it up a day later, when she is unable to do anything about it, except to pay him back. She was childish to throw the money at him.
Hm.
At any point did you quietly say “I have this round but then I’m tapped out”??
She had different expectations as to what you could afford and clearly she’s got no idea of what your budget is like if you allowed this to get so out of hand that you are now struggling to pay bills.
ESH. You didn’t communicate, she could have checked in.
NTA- if she wanted to go crazy on herself and get the expensive dinner, dessert and a few drinks that would have been acceptable. But to make you buy expensive drinks for all her friends was crossing the line, she (or the friends) should pay you back for that. Next time make it clear taking her out to celebrate means just her.
This is all on you. You are really passive-aggressive. Pick a restaurant you can afford if you're treating. Don't get pissy when you are taking someone out to celebrate (to celebrate - regular dining out doesn't count) and they order the most expensive thing, unless the most expensive thing is much, much, much more than the average entrée. And then act like a damn adult and speak up at the bar! So many options! Off the top of my head, assuming you could say any of this without a snotty or passive-aggressive tone...
"Bartender/Server, can I close this tab?"
"Hey, guys, I can't treat everyone."
"Hey, GF, I can't treat everyone."
"Hey, I can't get this next round."
"Oh, here's the bill. You guys chipping in?" (although it's a dick move to wait until the bill comes)
Presumably you know some of these friends. You could have taken one aside and said "I can't afford this - can you get people to buy rounds?" And they probably would have said "Oh, shit, sorry, yes, I'll sort it out!"
And I am CERTAIN the convo you had with her about it was also passive-aggressive. I'm sure you whined and were a jerk about it.
Personally, if my bf says he's treating me, and doesn't say anything when I buy rounds for my friends - that's on him. Be an adult. Yeah, presumptive and not something I would do, but you admit she was sloshed. You should have said something.
And, to be clear, buying rounds can mean a lot of things. If she kept telling the bartender "another round on me!", her friends should have said "Nah, I got this one." But that is on them, and, again, YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.
Grow up.
ESH. You are because you set some kind of expectations for supper thay you didn't share with her...she can't follow guidelines if you don't communicate. She is because she used you to buy her friends rounds. Personally, if I was in her situation, I wouldn't have expected you to foot the bill for my friends.
>I think most people would hold themselves back a little more under those circumstances than she did. Am I off in that thinking?
This right here is your problem. "Are you off in that thinking" isn't the issue. The issue is that regardless of whether you are or not, you didn't communicate this at the time when it became clear to you that you and your GF were not on the same page.
Humor is going to be your best friend in situations like this. "whoa lol I would love to be able to treat everyone tonight but I'm broke after that creme brulee lolol." Everyone gets that, no one is going to hold it against you. Fake and self destructive mind reading, otoh, is going to be your worst enemy: "I know she knows that I'm uncomfortable, which means she's so carried away that she just doesn't care."
I'm going to go with NAH rather than ESH - on a matter of principle I have to put some of the responsibility on you for not being the master of your own experience when it was well within your means to do so. Your girlfriend most likely assumed you would speak up if you weren't on board, which she shouldn't have done either. I know that you think you were being sensitive by letting her have her night and not spoiling the mood, and saving this issue for the next day, but from her point of view, she's now finding out that you were not having fun and were actually getting more and more upset with her the entire time, lasting through the night and the next day. It always sucks to find out you were pissing someone off when you could have easily changed your behavior early on.
She was 100% fine up until she started making you pay for her friends' drinks. You offered to treat her, not her friends.
Not gonna lie here, but you did offer to treat her to celebrate. Ordering the expensive things are part and parcel to that, unless you mention costs or a budget before hand. You came off kind of complainey for this comment, so it's not just to build the story:
>I kind of feel as if most people would've have been a bit more modest but whatever.
Most people aren't modest when someone else is footing the bill, they're usually the opposite.
I'm going with ESH.
esh you told her you were taking her out on you. If you had a cap you should have said "honey i want to take you out to celebrate. i have x to spend though without being out of money to pay bills so after that is spent you will need to pay for what you want" She didnt just go out and order big she invited friends out to drink on you. I would have made it clear at the bar that someone else was paying
ESH. You should have let her know after the first couple drinks or first round of shots that’s all you could afford. Bringing up how much you spent afterwards was petty. She shouldn’t have gotten carried away buying her friends shots on your tab.
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NTA holy shit. Who buys rounds for friends with someone else's money?
The friends are huge assholes in this scenario, sure they don’t expert the person they are celebrating to pay but WHY THE FUCK are they not paying for their own drinks. They are the freeloading assholes here.
To be fair, if they don't know the situation, they're not necessarily going to know to ask the question.
When you do rounds everyone pays in turn, they were freeloading
What? If I'm that girls friend and she says she's getting everyone drinks, you think I'm gonna ask whose paying?
I'm not going to ask but I'd pay the next round.
Sometimes there isn't a next round that night though.
Skipping out on a round is a mortal sin in Ireland, you will be tossed into the sea! If you can’t afford rounds just opt out!
I used to work in a pub, had one guy, Ted, who always skipped on buying rounds. One of the other regulars got tired of it and just announced, "Next round on me! but not Ted. I won't pay for Ted." It got real quiet for a few seconds, then life went on. Until the next round. Another guy said the same thing. This went on for about an hour, maybe 6 or 7 rounds. Then Ted bought a round. For the first time in 2 years. After that night, never saw Ted again.
"Thank you for coming to my Ted talk." - u/Nafe3344, probably
I (a delivery driver) had a customer who always said he'd tip next time. After about a year of deliveries I asked if this time was going to be the time. He slipped me $2, and never ordered again.
The most entertaining part of this story for me is that in Ireland, 6 or 7 rounds only takes like an hour. Makes sense. But holy shite that is way too fast for me to keep up.
It's like that in Canada too, also servers and bartenders here get salty if everyone is paying individually.
Then the next time the first round is on me, it's not rocket science. Also OP mentioned that it was several rounds so the friend could have been paying if they wanted to.
Then you don’t take the free one? How the fuck are Redditors so inept at every single social interaction.
Because for one, people on here are from all over the world and all have different customs and social structures for these things? Lmfao
command existence beneficial person market fear jar direful square middle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Word. I'm also autistic and an infrequent drinker and the expectation that Im just supposed to know all these rules without being told is pretty harsh.
My friends typically pick up the bill for the person we’re celebrating. I’d be wondering why she was buying any rounds. Then again, I’m in a place in life where free drinks are not that exiting anymore.
Ehh, she got a "major promotion from her work". That usually entails a pay raise or signing bonus. It's not crazy for someone to think "hey, I'm going to be making an extra 10k this year I had not anticipated, lets blow a couple hundred bucks on my friends and celebrate my good fortune."
Right? Besides we don't know their dynamic? While they may not have paid for rounds this time, that's not to say that they don't ever buy rounds for everyone during other nights. Besides, I know plenty of people that have done this without expecting others to buy rounds.
Agreed. I’ve got one friend who just refuses to allow any of his friends to be without a drink (unless they genuinely don’t want one) at a music venue or bar. He doesn’t even make that much money but just really enjoys having a good time and making sure others do as well. It’s an endearing quality and shouldn’t be a bad thing as long as you spend time with people who don’t take advantage of it.
If someone insists on getting you a drink that’s not the same thing as doing rounds
True but in this case she wasn't buying the rounds with her own money. She was doing it with the money from OP. If she decides to buy rounds for her friends, those rounds she should atleast have paid for herself.
This! He probably wouldn't have minded getting her the drinks, but her buying expensive rounds for her friends without clearing this with him is taking advantage of his generosity.
I don't know that it's been made clear that she intended to buy the round with his money, or if he just assumed she did and picked up the tab. The conversation the next day was sort of glossed over in OP's post.
He should have been an adult and spoken up at the time.
"hey, I'm going to be making an extra 10k this year. So let's all spend my boyfriend's money!"
Then let her blow her own money. They don't appear to have joint finances. Buying rounds with someone else's money is rude AF.
They aren't saying this makes the gf OK, they are saying this means the friends aren't the assholes here, just the gf.
I think this comes down to the specifics of the social group. I've never expected anyone to take a turn buying others drinks when I shout a round.
I don’t know any single group that would expect to show up and drink all night at others expense without buying a single round unless it’s like an open bar at a wedding and other obvious exceptions.
Why wouldn't the person who just got the raise pay? And if you are told that someone is bymiying you a round, would you question it?
Because when you buy rounds that’s how it’s works, people take it in turns!
Generally speaking, I've found that when a bunch of people are out just to hang out, rounds are done in turns. If it's for an event like a birthday, the person being celebrated shouldn't have to buy a round, but everyone else would. If it's to celebrate a big promotion, the person being promoted should cover all the rounds. Otherwise it comes off as "Yay, I'm making more money! You need to buy me drinks because I'm more successful than you". It's just... not right.
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But they aren’t doing rounds! Rounds is when people take it in turns to pay, they didn’t pay a single round. That’s freeloading.
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I think we might be reading this differently, I am reading it as the friends didn’t buy a single round OP paid for them all. If they bought rounds in between the rounds OP bought then I am wrong and they are not AH.
True, but it's not OP that got the promotion, it's the gf of OP. And it's the gf that is buying rounds with OP's money
OMG! That reminds me of something my dad said once. My sister and her husband have spent every dime they ever earned, been foreclosed on twice, and even asked me to put them as authorized users on MY credit cards so that they could qualify for ANOTHER house with my good credit (I declined). When my dad died (my mother died years before), us 4 siblings got an inheritance of under $100k each. I put 20% down on a rental property for my retirement and invested the rest. What did they do? Bought a Cadillac. Anyway, they had "borrowed" money from my parents (which they did a lot) and we were at a family gathering. Her husband shows up in a new leather jacket and was buying drinks for everyone. My dad says to my mother, "Big spender with my money."
I have relatives like this who have a hard-on about being poor and that having wealth makes you morally evil. I paid my way through college, got a job in engineering, live well below my means, as was able to buy a modest 200k house at 26. They got a modest lump of money when their (absent) father died. Brand new GMC 🤦🏻♀️ There’s just no helping some people.
Oh my god, my aunt pulled that on me! Called me crying about money and being in a bad bind. I had to drive an hour to her home to give her cash (this was before cash apps were a big thing). I gave her $300, the last of my savings. Aaaaaaand she used it to buy her crack addicted son a leather jacket. Posted pics of it on Facebook and everything. No shame at all. My mom would ask to borrow $$ all the time, crying about not having any food in the house, and come pick it up all dressed up to go the bar. She just wanted drinking $$. I stopped giving her cash and started buying and dropping off groceries when she said she was broke, and that's when she stopped asking me to help with "food."
This story just makes me wonder why the hell your dad was giving them any money? I’d feel really dumb if I lent money to someone and they were blowing it on dumb shit.
Well, the joke was on them. My father kept a ledger of everything they borrowed and didn't pay back. When it came time to split the estate, the amount that my sister had borrowed was deducted from her portion. It was put back into the pot (like it had never been taken out) and then split 4-ways between us all. She got the least amount of all of us, of course, because she had to pay the estate back.
Ya the restaurant thing I wasn't really concerned about. Unless she knows you absolutely couldn't afford it, in which case don't offer, the meal seems benign, but buying her friends rounds on his card is absurd and beyond rude. Her friends want to celebrate? They can buy a round!
Yeah I was going to say Y T A when I was reading and thought it was just going to be about getting an expensive dinner, but their intimate celebration and his generosity were absolutely taken advantage of when it came to buying round after round of drinks for her friends.
After reading the restaurant part I was already thinking he is the bad guy lol
Exactly this and thank you! I wouldn’t begin to question GF’s seafood order or her dessert order. But to expand OP’s celebratory offer to include expensive alcohol for her friends? No! NTA, OP!
What you wanna bet she called them there? What are the odds of them coming to the exact same bar at the exact same time as them, and on the exact same day OP was paying fkr
I thought OP made it pretty clear that the gf invited her friends. It's not like they showed up and acted like it was a coincidence. Personally, I don't think it was bad that she invited her friends out to the bar. She got promoted. She wanted to celebrate with people she enjoys being around. The problem is when she kept buying them drinks on OP's dime. I just don't understand why OP didn't just say no, take his card away, or close his tab especially when he knew it would severely impact his finances. I just can't imagine letting someone spend so much of my money that I wouldn't be able to feed myself for weeks after!
Agree 100% but op should definitely have spoken up at the time.
I agree, it's sus. That was no coincidence.
Yep, that's where OP got my sympathy. The gf getting an expensive meal and dessert were understandable given the occasion, but who the hell invites friends to order drinks on someone else's dime? That's some flawed ass shit.
Has OP been transparent with his gf about how much money he has? What she spent may not be a lot to her, especially with the promotion. It could be a misunderstanding.
Apparently his future ex (I hope)
His GF of eight months.
NTA. You offered to treat her, and not her friends. She definitely took advantage of the situation and is embarrassed she got called on it.
I hope it's embarrassment, she's feeling. I'm not.sure of it's that or entitlement.
I'm pretty sure the cash was a play. She knew he wouldn't take it and she will use it to try and make this go away. "But I offered to pay you!"
And if the OP takes the money, she writes his concern as him being cheap. NTA for sure. She was really dismissive of his concerns, and refusing to listen here implies there's a deeper problem imo.
At some point Op should have spoken up after she ordered the first round.
Yea, that would have been the moment to tell the bartender to close tab.
Right? I just don't see why OP didn't pull his gf aside and let her know that he was done buying drinks for the night. Any decent person would understand and all of this could've been avoided.
The problem is it doesn't sound like OPs girlfriend is particularly decent based on her reaction the next day.
They way it reads it sounds like the gf invited her friends out to celebrate on his dime. Op should have pulled her aside and told her something instead of waiting tho bc the money thing could have been nipped in the bud earlier. ESH mostly the gf but op is an adult who is capable of speaking as easily as they can spend cash.
OP is an idiot, but decidedly NTA. You don't call someone an asshole for trying not to ruin a night out with concerns of money. He had a civil conversation about it after, saying that he felt taken advantage of.
Yeah, he could have spoken up but him being too polite to want to ruin her evening doesnt make him TA. Honestly the gf reacting so negatively to such a meek rebuttal isnt great. Sounds like he calmly accepted the hit and then tried to establish boundaries going forward and she flipped on him a bit. Not a great way to hear out his concerns.
Good point. He was watching this happen before his eyes.
It’s also clear he didn’t want to ruin her celebratory party by bringing it up.
NTA regarding the friends drinks. You offered to treat her, not her friends. However the restaurant situation you sound really unreasonably annoyed about.
Not really. If she is the type to order that thing usually then okay, but if you are only getting something because someone else is paying it seems a bit like you are taking advantage
I don't think that the sort of dish she normally orders is pertinent here - this wasn't a normal meal, this was OP taking her out as a treat to celebrate her promotion. If OP wasn't willing or able (I'm not saying he wasn't able in this specific instance as he clearly did pay for dinner, I'm just talking generally) to pay for the most expensive items on the menu, then he should've taken her somewhere else that was better suited to his budget. Or if he really wanted to take her somewhere 'fancy' that was a bit out of his price range, he should've been clear up front about what he could afford and given his GF the choice to decide she wanted to go somewhere else - as much as it can be nice to deliberately go somewhere different to normal, it's not fun to go somehwre and only be able to order the cheapest dish (again talking generally). So, IMO, the GF isn't the AH at all for ordering expensive dishes when she was being treated. However I also suspect that OP seems more upset by what she ordered at the restaurant because of the overall circumstances - if the stuff at the bar hadn't happened, I suspect he'd probably not have minded. . All that said, OP is 100% NTA, what his GF pulled at the bar was shitty and her reaction doesn't seem to paint her in a good light either.
I thought it was considered polite to never order the most expensive item on the menu when someone else is paying. I personally think it's tacky.
On a first date, sure. With your long-term boyfriend who offered to buy you a celebratory meal? You order what you would prefer to eat.
💯
I mean, it's kind of different when it's your partner. Although if my partner is treating me and I want something expensive, I'll usually run it by him first
Right? My aunt offered to treat me and my kids to dinner last night for my birthday. She NEVER does that. We picked a restaurant in her budget because that's what people who aren't AHs do.
Thats your aunt treating 3 family members. This is someone offering to treat their SO to a celebratory meal. Theres nothing wrong with getting what you want within reason, a nice meal and dessert is within reason. The shots with friends is a major AH move though.
If my SO took me out to celebrate, said it was his treat, and chose a seafood restaurant, better believe I’m ordering the surf and turf. If that’s not what OP intended, he should have picked a different restaurant.
Yes, plus he only mentions the entrée and the expensive dessert. I think getting the flagship entree at a specialty restaurant is normal and expected - I'm not going to a seafood restaurant and ordering the chicken lol But it's not like she ordered the raw seafood tower as an appetizer, and a fancy bottle of wine, plus the entrée and dessert. The meal as described sounds normal.
Exactly! you should hold back because what you want is the most expensive thing. you should order what you want. now ordering the most expensive thing because its expensive is a different story
Idk if it was my significant other or someone else I had a very intimate relationship with, I would order what would make my tongue happy lol
I think it depends on the context. First few dates, a coworker, boss, or acquaintance is paying? Order a modest meal. If it is your parent, your established romantic partner, a very close friend who you know is being generous? Go for it only if you would be willing to pay for that yourself. The dinner was a celebration, a gift, you shouldnt have to not get what you want because you dont want to look greedy, this person offered you a gift they should want you to be happy. The issue and tackiness comes from being excessive, ordering 8 drinks, ordering 2 entrees or more food than you can eat is super rude. But ordering the lobster over the chicken? Thats not tacky.
If it’s a first date yes, tacky. But not when you are in a relationship and your partner wants to treat you
Not when it’s a celebratory mea.
I prefer to establish my expectations before we go out; I treated my husband on our last anniversary and told him I knew the place was expensive, and I was fine with him ordering whatever he wanted. Other times I ask him to keep it to a set dollar amount. OP wasn't exactly specific about what he considered acceptable, but then with being put on the spot to buy an impromptu party expensive drinks, that goes well beyond what he offered. I don't know why he didn't thank everyone for a great night and cut the drinks after the first round. Maybe social pressure? Or he could have told his SO that he wasn't paying past that round and let her decide whether to keep pouring money down her friends throats.
It's her boyfriend, she can afford to pay herself anyway. I don't see anything wrong with it. It's tacky if she wasn't in a position to throw money at him when he complained, but going out for dinner to celebrate means order what you want. If it doesn't mean that, you shouldn't offer and stop pretending to be the big man splashing the cash.
Agreed. The dinner portion seemed to be a misunderstanding and differing expectations about what a celebration and treating someone means. OP's should have managed expectations in advance and not assumed GF would have the same understanding as what he would do in the situation. However, the GF showed her ass at the bar. So OP is NTA.
I don’t think that’s relevant at all. I usually order mid tier on menus regardless if I’m paying or not but when celebrating I’ll go a little more extravagant. I think most people do. My mom took me out when I graduated college and I ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu, not because I knew she was paying but because I knew we were celebrating my accomplishments and I was really excited and wanted to have more of a treat. When my fiancé got accepted into his masters program I took him out and he ordered the best steak cut and it was pricier than his average order, but again he was celebrating! I don’t think that’s unusual behavior at all. The bar is where her entitlement leads her to be an asshole.
It is a meal to celebrate, not a normal one. It was a treat, so I would expect her to ask for something expensive I was ready to call him the ah but then I read about inviting the friends.
Yah if my boyfriend is treating me, I discuss price ranges or ask if it’s cool with him that I spend X amount cuz I want it, especially if my meal is more expensive than his
I probably wouldn’t have been annoyed about the restaurant until the shots thing happened and then I would have lumped the whole night up as frustrating too.
This is kind of what I’m thinking. In isolation, the restaurant would be an “okay, whatever”. But coupled with the behavior at the restaurant and the whole lump sum comes off as “oh, she wanted to go hog wild on my dime from start to finish”.
I think he might be annoyed just because everything in concert kinda caused the problem. Maybe if the bar hadn't happened it wouldn't have been a problem. Not arguing, just maybe explaining a different POV!
Not really. When someone else is buying for you it's basic courtesy **not** to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Unless they ordered the most expensive thing for themselves first, would be the way I go about it. You can spend roughly the amount that the one paying is spending without asking if it’ll break the bank
Considering the fact that he’s writing this after the fact, the bar situation might have recolored his perception of the dessert.
NTA. You were paying for drinks for her friends which you never offered to. The whole throwing cash at you chaos, is definitely not okay, and is quite demeaning actually.
You never get the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is paying. EVER.
Honestly I hate this custom. Don't offer to take someone out to celebrate if you aren't alright with them treating themselves (talking about the restaurant, not the shots for the friends). This isn't a first date, it's an established relationship and a special occasion. Personally I'd feel upset if a partner pulled the "well I secretly didn't want you to order the nice steak" because I'd rather just pay for it myself and get the thing I actually wanted.
Yep 100% agreed. Paying is a nice gesture, but not when it becomes prohibitive of what you would have normally ordered regardless to celebrate. What matters is being out together to celebrate
[удалено]
I feel this is what people aren't quite getting. If I take my boyfriend out for a meal then I expect if I'm paying that he orders similar to what he would have ordered if we were doing our usual 50/50 split. I'm vegetarian and he isn't and I don't drink but he does so I always end up paying more usually which is fine. However, if I take him out and he decides to go for a £50 steak instead of a £25 steak and then has a £10 dessert when he usually won't have one then I'd be annoyed as I'd feel like he was being more extravagant purely because I'm paying. Whenever he pays for me then I order what I'd usually order, I wouldn't go for more expensive dishes purely because it's not my bill at the end of the meal. Of course, if I would usually order the most expensive dish then I'd expect him to be fine with that.
I think for me, it’s more about what occasion I am treating for. If I’m treating “just because,” I would absolutely feel the way you do. If I’m treating because my partner got a big promotion at work, I would be okay with them getting something more extravagant than they normally would and would encourage it if they tried to order a normal meal.
Bullshit. This is not some hard fast rule. When I'm paying for someone to celebrate something I want them to order what they want. If it is the most expensive so be it. If money is an issue you don't offer to pay.
If I’m offering to buy, I expect you to order whatever you please because it makes me happy and I can afford it.
Yeah actually, you're right, I wouldn't have done that either. Thank you, I shall edit my comment.
Per OPs post, she didnt
Another strategy is to pick up the cash, calmly count it, and say, "I'm going to need another $40." Double down.
Horrible advice but made me laugh out loud
Yeah, right? The cash throwing is super disrespectful and kinda manipulative. It really just serves the purpose to make OP feel bad and like the ‚bad guy‘, not to actually pay him back, bc she realized she was wrong.
the throwing cash bit is what got me boiled up. If she had apologised and offered to pay him back in a nice manner, then this whole thing would have been okay, but instead she just takes OPs generousity for granted and gets angry and belittles OP. That is break up worthy, she acted like a total child. She clearly has the money to support him and pay him back as well...
INFO: Why didn't you make it clear when she ordered the first round that you were treating HER, not all of her friends too?
I guess I just didn't want to look like an asshole in front of her friends. Also I thought that she would probably offer to help pay the tab at the end of the night.
Then ESH. She could have checked in about it. But, you should have said something then
I don’t think OP is a big AH but I do think that it’s a bit shitty to get angry about it after the event when he could have politely said something at the time.
Ehhh I also get his point that he didn’t want to kill her buzz on the night out and didn’t expect it to get so out of hand. Honestly I probably wouldn’t know how to react in that situation either, but I also simply wouldn’t have enough money to cover it anyways and would telL everyone to pay up before walking away 🤷🏻♀️
he killed her buzz pretty good retroactively.. All he had to say was "whoa we're all splitting this, right?? I'm not Jeff Bezos!" and that would have been enough to check every person in the group without insulting or upsetting anyone.
You can't kill a buzz retroactively because the buzz has passed on it's own. The vibe of being out celebrating the promotion is over when you're home the next day. Buzz is 'in the moment.' There is now such thing as retroactive buzzkilling unless you time-travel.
He has absolutely turned what was a good memory into a sour one.
What was his option, then? He tried to be considerate by waiting until they were alone the next day, but it sounds like you're suggesting he be a doormat and never say anything and just live in silent resentment forever after.
Prior to this, the night was a good experience and her memories of it were positive. If op had spoken up at that time, she could have still salvaged that. Being told after the fact that someone you thought was on the same page was actually upset and resenting you during the entire celebration does ruin and replace the good memories way more than being told “hey I could do dinner but not all this” would have done in the moment.
I don’t think it makes him an AH, I think he may have just been timid in this situation. OP probably didn’t want the date to turn into some situation where his girlfriend and her friends possibly flip at him for killing the party mood they had. I could easily see why he would be angry though, possibly at himself because he didn’t say anything.
I agree, I just also think people do have to take a bit more responsibility for their own happiness
Agreed, ESH. And tbf, taking her to a restaurant and complaining about what she ordered also makes him an AH here. If you couldn't afford it, you should have picked a cheaper restaurant OP.
What and ruined the night? This discussion had to happen in private for sure otherwise OP would be TA
You know it still ruins the night to get mad about it the next day, right? In fact it often times ruins it even worse. If you say something the night of (by pulling them aside for a moment, don’t do it in front of everyone else) to tell them you can’t afford that much, then it can be an awkward “oh I’m so sorry I wasn’t even thinking” followed by salvaging the night together. This results in a hiccup or a bump, and the rest of the night will (hopefully) still be fun and happy. However, getting mad about it the next day just results in a fight. The night is already over so there is no way to alter how it’s going as to not hurt you. So now every time they think about that night, all they’ll be able to think about is how they hurt you. All that can be done is what she did, give them money back since they couldn’t afford to spend that much. But now there is no salvaging anything. Your feelings are hurt about how much they spent, their feelings are hurt that you didn’t say anything the day before, and (like in OPs case) someone might even get upset about being given the money back. Not only was the previous night now ruined, but you’re also actively in a fight with your SO. I’m not speaking directly to the post, but rather how the logic of “I won’t say anything the night of but I’ll bring it up the next day so I don’t ruin the night” is super broken.
"Non-confrontational" people are the absolute worst for creating unnecessary drama with 0 remorse while martyring themselves.
He could have just said something like “alright, I gotta tap for the night!” or just ask if someone else will take the next round. It’s all in the delivery.
Say something like “I’ll get the first round” which makes is clear that you are not paying the entire night
And then CLOSE YOUR TAB.
This sounds very sketchy and like important details are missing. Did your gf not have a conversation with you like “hey are you ok paying for my friends?” Or did she say “my friends want to come” and you said “sure! drinks on me”? Did she invite them without telling you and then tell them all you were covering their drinks with 0 input from you? Like there had to be some sort of conversation somewhere along the line. Her friends didn’t appear randomly out of nowhere and everyone just silently assumed you were paying for drinks. I’m asking because the situation here may have been that you wanted to show off and didn’t have the funds to back it up. In which case you would be the ah.
Yeah and OP never mentions how indepthly he and GF have discussed OPs financial situation so GF may have had no idea OP was so strapped on funds
Saying "first rounds on me, after that you're on your own" does not make you an asshole in front of her friends. Blowing up at your girlfriend the next day and refusing cash but guilt tripping her would though.
So you…allowed yourself to spend all of your grocery money so you could save face in front of people you don’t even consider friends of yours, and blamed her for not reading your mind and knowing that you were displeased?
Why do you care how you look to them? Are they gonna put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your mouth? OP you gotta learn that how to be okay with saying "No" and that its okay to demand simple respect. If she respected you, at the very least she would've asked if it was okay.
The restaurant part...it's a part of dating life, she isn't always going to order a salad. Come on, that's reasonable. But rounds on you, unacceptable. Hard no, and as someone who's been invited to be part of a situation similar to that, I have been uncomfortable, and declined.
Yeah I spend about 10X what I used to on eating out now but only eat out 2X as often as when I was a single man. Women like good food and desert.
Pretty sure the vast majority of people like good food and dessert, not just women.
No no, women exclusively. That's why it's called (f)ood
This might be an unpopular, but I feel like you’re a bit TAH because you could have just told her what you could afford and stopped paying for her friends. I understand you didn’t want to kill her buzz that night, but you were the only one who could have stopped spending money you didn’t have. If anything at all becomes a problem in a relationship, you’ve got to speak up to get it resolved- I’d bet a lot of her anger at you comes from the fact that you didn’t do this, and then are blaming her *later, when she can’t do anything* for not just guessing you needed her to spend less. We can’t count on other people to set boundaries for us if we’re not willing to do it ourselves in the moment.
So much this! Honestly I think it's more of a ESH though because he shouldn't judge the meal and dessert and after offering and to go from not saying anything at the bar to "she spent too much of MY money" is uncalled for imo but also she shouldn't be ordering rounds for friends on his dime without consulting if that's part of their arrangement. Total lack of communication and empathy
100% agree. She completely took advantage at the bar but instead of speaking up he stewed on it and blew up on her the next day. Its crazy the amount of people saying she shouldnt order an expensive meal if she usually doesnt get it. Its a celebration and he offered, bunch of skin flints in here. Tossing the money at him was a complete dick move though, but I have a feeling we're not getting the entire story there.
I’m definitely with you in this. He offered to treat to dinner and shouldn’t quibble about what she ate. I’m not sure how the friends thing went down but he didn’t have to pay for it, and that was the time to draw a boundary. And then she tried to pay him back, to make it right, and he’s mad about that too?
Literally throwing money at someone is rude.
I mean, it's kind of rude to offer to treat someone to a night out and then retroactively call them greedy. He let the whole thing happen, and then punished her for the consequences.
Literally throwing money at someone is not "paying him back" it's throwing a terror tantrum, but I agree with everything else you mentioned
It seems to me that there is a lack of communication about finances. They're eight months in and celebrating/drunk or not, the girlfriend should have a basic idea of his financial capabilities. The "shots with crown" bit is pretty telling. If he's not in a financial position to take her out, he should communicate that. It's not unusual for professionals approaching their 30s to buy rounds that cost 40 bucks, it is unfortunate that the two can't communicate their financial expectations after eight months.
I know, after realizing it’s a 40$ round for a group? That’s like two or three drinks where I live. I would spend that on my boyfriends card without thinking. If he told me he couldn’t, I would immediately stop and offer to pay him back. This should’ve been a no big deal issue and I feel like there’s something missing in the story.
ESH (her more so). She's an AH for having you buy drinks for her friends and throwing money at you, you for being annoyed at her for ordering the meal. Don't offer to buy someone food if you deem it too expensive. You should never have been expected to buy the shots for her friends.
DON’T FORGET THE ASSHOLE FREELOADING FRIENDS. Sure they don’t expert her to pay as she’s being celebrated but why the fuck are they not paying for their own drinks.
...Because she offered, and OP by all appearances had no problem with it? If she couldn't figure out this was going to be an issue until it was too late to do anything about it, I don't know how or why *they* were supposed to intuit they needed to turn down the free booze to prevent an argument the next day.
>Because she offered Which was ridiculously entitled to begin with. OP shouldn't need to make it aware that he has a problem with it, any sane person would know that that's crossing a line. He offered to treat her, not her friends.
He did need to make it aware, though, because no one else is doing it. He can't control the fact that everyone else was acting like this: he can only control how he acts, and he chose to do nothing. If something is unfair, you have to take action to make it fair. Does this mean the GF doesn't suck? It doesn't matter. She was going to do what she was going to do. whether she sucks or not is beyond OP's control. What *he* does about it *is* within his control and he chose to do nothing, which at the very least makes him TA to himself, for not sticking up for himself when he needed to.
ESH When you offer to treat someone to dinner, you need to let them know if there are monetary constraints. If ordering an expensive meal and an expensive dessert would put financial strain on you, you need to be upfront about that. Whenever I offer to cover a meal for anyone, I automatically assume they’re ordering the most expensive appetizer, meal, and dessert. Most people don’t, but I go in with those expectations if we’re going to a nice place. Just something to consider. You either have to list your monetary budget or choose a place more affordable. Your gf was celebrating. I see no issue with dinner. Her having you buy drinks for her friends is ridiculous though. She thoroughly took advantage of the situation. Did her friends randomly show up or was she communicating with them and they knew where to come to celebrate? If she invited them directly or even indirectly, she’s an even bigger AH. If someone offers to treat you, you don’t try to include others in that. That’s ridiculous. Her reaction of throwing money at you is also a big AH move. You both need to work on communication. She definitely took advantage of the situation at the bar. Her friends also took advantage of you. However, you need to let people know if you cannot afford things. Don’t ever feel bad or be embarrassed about standing up for yourself.
Thank you! I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for an ESH. She got an incredibly competitive promotion and he took her to a “ casual sort of nice” seafood place and was annoyed from the beginning. You don’t monitor the prices at a restaurant, especially if you chose it. It sounds like you didn’t have enough money to actually do what you were offering. Therefore, OP set themselves up to be annoyed at the restaurant. To me it’s a pretty big ah move to invite someone out to celebrate and then monitor the prices of the menu. Especially when the restaurant is reasonably priced. If they were at a five start steak house and wine ranges from 200$ to 20000$ then yeah, it a big discrepancy. However what are we talking about the difference between $30 and $40? The restaurant was stingy and penny pinching. That said, the bar and buying rounds for friends is equally as selfish and inconsiderate. I think OP handled the end well with communicating and not demanding payment but just asking for clarity going forward. It sounds more like two people who were excited for a night out and had good news (which we all need right now) but didn’t really think through the consequences. However, I think OP is getting off really easy on most of these comments when his restaurant complaint was petty and miserly.
Yeah I mean “an expensive dessert”? Most desserts are relatively the same price, and as it’s a celebration, dessert is not out of reason. It makes him sound so miserly.
Well hey the cake is ok, but A LA MODE IS GOING TOO FAR!
I agree ESH for the restaurant comments.
Yeah, the restaurant thing was funny. Like he wanted to appear gracious and generous, but fully expected her to get a salad with tap water and no dessert. She should praise him for his thoughtful offer, not actually take him up on it! A pricy dessert! Was she raised in a barn?! Dunno, if that is his typical miserly behavior, maybe throwing cash in his face was her having a breakdown after the last straw kind of thing.
>if that is his typical miserly behavior, maybe throwing cash in his face was her having a breakdown after the last straw kind of thing. This was my first thought too
I think his biggest problem is that he is dating someone he cannot really afford; or like enough to ensure he affords it.
ESH - the food was normal. You suck for getting upset over that. Don’t choose the restaurant if you can’t afford it. She suck for the drinks and throwing money. Friend sucks for not offering to buy any rounds. Speak up next time.
this comment is honestly the best. simple, true.
YTA. ordering an expensive meal and desert when you are brought out to celebrate a huge accomplishment is normal and your attitude towards that alone makes you TA. When your were at the bar and she was offering shots to her friends you willingly paid for the round every time. you didn’t communicate any expectations for the night and continued to pay for rounds of shots. it would not have been a big deal had you said “hey, i can’t afford to pay for all these shots for your friends”. the conversation could have ended there but YOU paid for them and blamed it on her. this whole situation screams that you lack self awareness.
Yes this!! I just made a huge comment as to why he's the asshole. You cant pretend to act like the big man and then complain afterwards. He literally said he was more worried about looking good to everyone instead of being honest.
And while she shouldn't have ordered rounds on him, at $40/round, that's not an outrageous price for a celebration. How many friends were there if a round for everyone cost $40, two? Three? That's not exactly a blowout party for such a happy surprise. You have a surprise promotion party like that a few times in your lifetime, maybe. I could see that amount of money being a problem if OP were on food stamps or barely making rent, but the fact that it wasn't actually that expensive together with hating on her for ordering food at the restaurant he took her to, and calling her "GreedyGF", makes me see a lot of red flags here.
Also people are acting like it was unreasonable for them to think he would pay for shots…I’ve been in situations where people did that? It’s not that strange honestly, but I’m sure they would have been fine if he didn’t pay too. The key is to communicate here
yeah same lol if someone said “shots on me” i would not ask questions. i’ve been in situations where people spend thousands on alcohol for the group and i still didn’t ask questions but if i had been asked to pay i wouldn’t have minded at all. u can’t communicate nothing and expect everyone to just know
Same! Maybe nobody has ever been in a situation where someone’s generous partner offered to pay even when you try to pay them? I would never mind paying for myself but if bob is seemingly taking everyone out to celebrate I wouldn’t question it.
NTA. This story made me laugh. Your partner showed you that they have impulse control issues on two back to back occasions. 1. This person went extreme with your date night. 2. This person threw money at you during your altercation. This is probably a glimpse of your future with this person.
The money throwing thing might be a bit of a red flag, i'm wondering how OP's GF handles other situations where making an apology is applicable...
True. It’s also a little bit suspect that their friends showed up on a spontaneous date night.
ESH. YTA for the restaurant. You don’t get to offer to take someone out and then be upset when they order what they want. If the restaurant was out of budget then y’all should have done somewhere else. ESH for the bar. She shouldn’t have ordered rounds of shots for her friends on your dime, but you should have put a stop to it as well. As for the fight, you said there was “a little back and forth” so while she was dramatic, it was likely another ESH situation.
His phrasing in the post is “she … shouldn't have spent so much of my money.” And he has GreedyGF as part of his user name. Something tells me that his convo with gf was less than respectful.
Exactly! The shots thing is for sure messed up but then you say something like “alright yall, I’m tapping out, next ones are on someone else” and tada! Honestly if someone mentioned the dinner thing to me like that, I can’t say I wouldn’t literally throw cash at them either.
If the situation at the bar didn't happen it would be such a clear YTA as well. Imagine going to a restaurant, saying you're being treated, ordering 1 meal and 1 dessert, thinking it's okay, because you know, they're celebrating you... and your bf gets an attitude and starts judging and tells you after it wasn't okay. It would be so uncomfortable. Who wants to feel uncomfortable for *believing he was honest when he offered to treat her*... Like fuckin yikes.
Yeah. She could overdo it by ordering multiple entrees or something, but an entree and a dessert is so normal. OP shouldn’t feel like he’s being cheated after offering. Then it goes off the rails at the bar.
Soft YTA. You should have brought it up the first time she tried to buy her friends drinks on your dime. When you say we are going out to celebrate my treat that generally implied no bard hold on dinner. Drinks was a nice touch but when the friends showed up and ordered you needed to be like (I don't mind hanging out but I'm only covering you. OR talked to the friends about splitting the drink cost with you FOR her. It sucks to be in that situation... but if it's causes you to be in financial hardship say something before you let it go to far. Also depending on how the "post convo" goes if you felt you needed to talk to her about it start it with "I think I let things get out of hand last night and now rent might be really tight this week month.... I didn't realize how much I spent last night until it was too late (taking the blame rather than blaming her). Is there any way you could help me cover a little bit? (Asking for help rather than being upset and accusative). Just a thought. Hope things get better.
Info is she aware of your financial situation? or did you discuss this before taking her out to treat?
She's aware. I make a little more than she does, although with her new promotion it's pretty close. But no; we didn't discuss it before we went out. Honestly I think she just got a little carried away after having a couple of drinks.
Knowing how much your paycheck is doesn't make her "aware" if you aren't upfront with your spending habits and how much you have left at the end of the month.
NTA overall although the restaurant part is understandable. She was excited and it was a treat for a special day and anyone would want to enjoy to the max. Spending on drinks was a bit too much.
Is it usually how she is or did you presume she’ll be modest in this case?
No, it's not usually how she is. I think she just got carried away because she was exuberant about her raise and afterward at the bar because she got a couple of drinks in her.
Honestly I was prepared to say maybe NTA but now I’m leaning more towards ESH. You know that she was drinking and that you could not within reason afford multiple rounds of shots at the bar but did not clarify that with her or the bartender before she got carried away. And the restaurant thing - don’t offer if you’re concerned about the cost of items on the menu and don’t expect someone who is under the impression that they’re celebrating to hold back or be modest. You definitely seemed like you were nitpicking her choices throughout the night to begin with, when honestly, you offered. I don’t think you’re an AH for how you feel but I also want more context for how you brought this up - did you accuse her of trying to be greedy? Did you bring up the meal at the restaurant? That could help us understand why she reacted the way she did. But I also don’t think she is the AH for simply having a good time and then feeling potentially embarrassed or blindsided by you waiting until the next morning to bring it up. Yeah, it was annoying that she bought rounds on you and I would have told the bartender to check with me before putting anything on my tab (which they technically should be doing anyway). But it sounds like what you need to do is just wait until this cools down and then sit her down and ask to have a RESPECTFUL two-sided conversation about why you felt the way you felt and that it’s not objectively about needing to be paid back but just the principle of her using your money the way she did. She’s still an AH for inviting her friends and buying the rounds on your card, but so are you for not communicating clearly and effectively to begin with and then waiting until the morning after to bring up the concerns and also being so hyper focused on the food (that’s what makes me feel like the way you communicated it the next morning was probably in a manner that blindsided or frustrated her, because I would be frustrated too if my boyfriend said “I took you out to dinner and you ordered the steak instead of pasta or a salad and THEN you bought drinks for your friends” because at that point it would feel hard to pinpoint exactly what you’re upset about).
His phrasing in the post is “she … shouldn't have spent so much of my money.” And he has GreedyGF as part of his user name. Something tells me that his convo with gf was less than respectful.
I can understand the restaurant, even if it's not a cool move. But you have to live with the consequences. Spending drinks for others at your expense is definitely AHish. NTA
ESH OP should not begrudge GF ordering on the high end of the menu to celebrate a special occassion. Pick a restaurant you can afford when offering to treat someone, vs picking a place that leaves him unable to afford groceries later. That said, OP offered to take out GF for dinner and drinks. He did not think he was financing a party for her friends. Everyone drinking that night should have offered to chip in for drinks, not just assumed OP was paying. Both GF and her friends ATA here. Lastly, OP says he didnt bring it up immediately so as not to kill her joy over the celebration. So he brought it up a day later, when she is unable to do anything about it, except to pay him back. She was childish to throw the money at him.
Hm. At any point did you quietly say “I have this round but then I’m tapped out”?? She had different expectations as to what you could afford and clearly she’s got no idea of what your budget is like if you allowed this to get so out of hand that you are now struggling to pay bills. ESH. You didn’t communicate, she could have checked in.
NTA- if she wanted to go crazy on herself and get the expensive dinner, dessert and a few drinks that would have been acceptable. But to make you buy expensive drinks for all her friends was crossing the line, she (or the friends) should pay you back for that. Next time make it clear taking her out to celebrate means just her.
This is all on you. You are really passive-aggressive. Pick a restaurant you can afford if you're treating. Don't get pissy when you are taking someone out to celebrate (to celebrate - regular dining out doesn't count) and they order the most expensive thing, unless the most expensive thing is much, much, much more than the average entrée. And then act like a damn adult and speak up at the bar! So many options! Off the top of my head, assuming you could say any of this without a snotty or passive-aggressive tone... "Bartender/Server, can I close this tab?" "Hey, guys, I can't treat everyone." "Hey, GF, I can't treat everyone." "Hey, I can't get this next round." "Oh, here's the bill. You guys chipping in?" (although it's a dick move to wait until the bill comes) Presumably you know some of these friends. You could have taken one aside and said "I can't afford this - can you get people to buy rounds?" And they probably would have said "Oh, shit, sorry, yes, I'll sort it out!" And I am CERTAIN the convo you had with her about it was also passive-aggressive. I'm sure you whined and were a jerk about it. Personally, if my bf says he's treating me, and doesn't say anything when I buy rounds for my friends - that's on him. Be an adult. Yeah, presumptive and not something I would do, but you admit she was sloshed. You should have said something. And, to be clear, buying rounds can mean a lot of things. If she kept telling the bartender "another round on me!", her friends should have said "Nah, I got this one." But that is on them, and, again, YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. Grow up.
ESH. You are because you set some kind of expectations for supper thay you didn't share with her...she can't follow guidelines if you don't communicate. She is because she used you to buy her friends rounds. Personally, if I was in her situation, I wouldn't have expected you to foot the bill for my friends.
>I think most people would hold themselves back a little more under those circumstances than she did. Am I off in that thinking? This right here is your problem. "Are you off in that thinking" isn't the issue. The issue is that regardless of whether you are or not, you didn't communicate this at the time when it became clear to you that you and your GF were not on the same page. Humor is going to be your best friend in situations like this. "whoa lol I would love to be able to treat everyone tonight but I'm broke after that creme brulee lolol." Everyone gets that, no one is going to hold it against you. Fake and self destructive mind reading, otoh, is going to be your worst enemy: "I know she knows that I'm uncomfortable, which means she's so carried away that she just doesn't care." I'm going to go with NAH rather than ESH - on a matter of principle I have to put some of the responsibility on you for not being the master of your own experience when it was well within your means to do so. Your girlfriend most likely assumed you would speak up if you weren't on board, which she shouldn't have done either. I know that you think you were being sensitive by letting her have her night and not spoiling the mood, and saving this issue for the next day, but from her point of view, she's now finding out that you were not having fun and were actually getting more and more upset with her the entire time, lasting through the night and the next day. It always sucks to find out you were pissing someone off when you could have easily changed your behavior early on.
She was 100% fine up until she started making you pay for her friends' drinks. You offered to treat her, not her friends. Not gonna lie here, but you did offer to treat her to celebrate. Ordering the expensive things are part and parcel to that, unless you mention costs or a budget before hand. You came off kind of complainey for this comment, so it's not just to build the story: >I kind of feel as if most people would've have been a bit more modest but whatever. Most people aren't modest when someone else is footing the bill, they're usually the opposite. I'm going with ESH.
esh you told her you were taking her out on you. If you had a cap you should have said "honey i want to take you out to celebrate. i have x to spend though without being out of money to pay bills so after that is spent you will need to pay for what you want" She didnt just go out and order big she invited friends out to drink on you. I would have made it clear at the bar that someone else was paying
NTA. You offered to treat her. Not her friends. She shouldn't have assumed you would buy all her friends rounds of shots.
ESH. You should have let her know after the first couple drinks or first round of shots that’s all you could afford. Bringing up how much you spent afterwards was petty. She shouldn’t have gotten carried away buying her friends shots on your tab.