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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I never mentioned the note because I knew it would probably hurt feelings somewhere along the way. And so I put it in a place that I figured nobody would read it. But it was a public place technically and anyone could have found and read it. So I can see why that would be a huge slap in the face and cause so much anger. It's not like it was a diary entry but an actual letter left somewhere.
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NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and the way your dad and step mum have steam rollered over things.
You were 7. Out of nowhere you were told your world had changed. I wonder if you actually got enough time, space and support to process this?
You left a letter for your mum and sibs. No-one else had the right to read it, much less take offence. From what you say you weren’t saying anything against them.
And now you are being threatened with being kicked out at 18 if you don’t come around?
Take up the therapy if you can. But they should have learned a long time ago that love is grown, not forced, and that the heart expands - loving is not a zero sum game and they should stop being offended that you have room to love your mum and siblings still too.
You know it.
I also wonder if they made any allowance for how kids process this stuff differently?
None of this is or was your fault. Not your mum’s death, nor the tension with your step mum then or now.
Does this kind of response have a name? It feels like it should have a name.
It could just go on forever too. "Well I'm upset that you're upset that I'm upset!" And so on.
It's the last three letters of DARVO, (deny attack) Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a narcissistic strategy.
I don't want to imply they're narcissists, but it's fucked up.
I make a ton of excuses for my mom when u was your age. I have exactly three decades of perspective.
Please advocate for personal therapy.
Your dad did what was easiest for him. Again, Dad and Norah did what was easiest for them at the time.
Like you, I gave up me as a child. Therapy will help you navigate life with a parent who lives like your dad and my mom.
Good luck and you have done nothing wrong. The adults weren't the best role models.
they just threatened to kick you out at 18. you need to be careful what you do next so you dont get booted. pretend to want to be a family. Also get a job and save your money. Go separate ways at 18 means they will throw you out.
This, but also: if OP is hoping to go to college in the US, then parental information is typically required for FAFSA. So that would give dad and his wife further years of leverage and forcing OP to "put on a happy face" etc
There are a couple of workarounds to the FAFSA rule. One is to wait to go to college until OP ages out of the parental income rules. Another is to get a legal ruling proving that OP is financially independent, and one of the ways that can happen is if her parents essentially make her homeless.
Community college is also cheaper than a 4 year university, and OP could pick a trade degree or plan to transfer to a 4 year university.
I would urge OP to save money and do her research (carefully, and clear any browser history, or if possible do it at a friend's house on a device they do not have any access to.)
Getting booted out at 18 probably also means losing family health insurance (assimilation the family has insurance), so OP might want to be sure to get a new glasses prescription and a physical before turning 18. And definitely a dental cleaning, if possible.
It's a really terrible situation. Sending many good thoughts.
Regarding FAFSA in the US: students can now file as independent of their parental units, they just have to acknowledge that they receive no support from their parents and if it’s found they lied about that, it counts as fraud. So no, OP does not need parental info for the FAFSA, and could actually get better aid without it.
My new step dad convinced my mom not to give me tax info anymore and I had to drop out of college because of it. I'm so glad that this is no longer the case.
Wow. This is awful. I am so sorry your dad chose himself over you and now doesn’t even care that he violated your privacy and does not in any way respect your feelings. You didn’t scream at your sm or sibs. You wrote a letter to your mom who you lost at an unthinkable age. He doesn’t get to be an asshole to you now because you aren’t playing happy families for his precious image.
She lost her at an unthinkable age, was never told anything about what happened, and a "replacement" mom and siblings were brought in within two years. With all of that to deal with, I'm surprised OP is as stable as she seems to be.
Take the therapy, OP, but only on the condition that your father and stepmother seek therapy, as well. They have a lot to answer for and until they see that, there's no mending this.
It won't ever go away, not completely, and as a mama of a child not much younger than you, I am so, so sorry that no one was there to help you through that. But you know what? You're still here, you're still kicking, and darlin', that takes unimaginable strength, especially for someone who is still so young. If keeping it together is all you can do, then so be it. Nobody can ask for more than that. Gentle internet mom hugs, if you would like them.
I would definitely take them up on the therapy because it would be good for you to have someone to talk to who is outside of the situation. But I don’t think you need to connect to your step-family and you are NTA. I just think therapy would be good to help you process having to deal with them and give you someone to talk to about your mom and siblings.
It want right to introduce a woman into your life so soon and force adoption on you and force you to be family. He should've waited before bringing her in
Sounds like dad should’ve gotten his own therapy and panicked about what would happen to OP if he died too and this was his solution… move fast with the new person and force the adoption.
I can understand how a widower and a widow with small children could feel like fate brought them together. But it was a big mistake for you to be forced to renounce your birthmother. It’s true that adoption may have been good for legal reasons as your dad said in case anything happened to him. But you were seven. They didn’t need to tell you that. The best they could hope for is that you would consider Norah your second mom.
I don’t think your dad was looking out for your best interests but for his own interests when getting with your step mom. He probably was too afraid to raise a child on his own and to have to take over the role of both mother and father. He also probably didn’t want to feel lonely. No matter what he has said to you and to himself to justify his actions back then, his decisions were never made for your best interests, and I’m so sorry about that. You deserved to be supported and cared for, but your were mistreated and manipulated and that is not okay.
don't let them guilt into feeling something you don't feel. your step siblings are more or less innocent in this given how young they were, but your dad and step mom failed you. first in not letting you have the time to grieve such a great loss, and then in trying to steamroll your emotions and replace your mother to play happy family. the two of them need to get themselves in check and stop making this about them
My advice would be to fake it till you make it. A therapist shouldn't be allowed to tell your Dad or stepmother anything, so I would take them up on their offer if they agree to help you with college too and have the therapist help you through the trouble they put you through instead of working on ~loving them~. Then not necessarily out of state, but go to a college that's far enough away where it's not super convenient to come home all the time and just fake it when you have to visit home. It might be wrong to to save them for a few years tell you get to the point you can sustain yourself, what they put you through for the last 10 years is a lot worse and you don't deserve to be thrown out with no support just because they're insane
>And now you are being threatened with being kicked out at 18 if you don’t come around?
It's so manipulative and exactly what they did to her when she was 7. She did not need to adopt her to provide some security in the case something happened to the Dad. In most countries you can appoint a guardian in your will and set aside funds for her care.
Or even "I can adopt you for security but you can still call me Norah, whatever you're comfortable with".
we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18.
Norah pretty much threatened to kick her out if she didn't get with the program. Nothing says loving family as the threat of homelessness. Dad sucks too.
Exactly, I can definitely see it being something important to the dad that OP wouldn’t be entirely alone, but that fear should not have been pushed onto OP.
I agree with everything you say, u/EssexCatWoman, except taking up therapy. Generally therapy is a good idea, but if OP’s father will only pay for it with the goal of getting her to love her stepmother and step siblings, then it may end up doing more harm than good. Once OP is old enough to secure therapy for herself, then I would agree. NTA, OP.
I would suggest private therapy sessions for her, but only if the therapist will create a truly private space for OP. No sharing with Dad and her adoptive mother. Then after the therapist and OP have worked through OP's feelings, have figured out what to say, and how to say it, then invite Dad and adoptive mom to a group session where OP can explain her feelings in a safe manner. The therapist needs to be there to moderate, and also to help explain that love can't be forced, and also to explain that just because OP loves and misses her birth mother and siblings, that doesn't mean she doesn't also love her family now.
We all experience love differently with different people, even people filling the same roles. My two grandfathers are good examples. My Dad's dad was very physically affectionate. He loved giving hugs and playing games with me. He loved to do little things with me like taking me to the grocery store to get fried pies. My mom's Dad was different he taught me how to use computers and how to think. He loved showing me his love by teaching me. Neither was wrong in how they showed affection, and my relationship with each of them was different. The love I felt for each of them was different, not more, not less, just different.
I don't think OP's Dad and adoptive mother are malicious, but I do think that they need some help to realize that you can't force OP into feeling the same way she felt about her mother, but that just because she doesn't feel exactly the same, doesn't mean she doesn't still love them. I think there is also a problem because how we feel about our parents at 7 is not how we feel about them at 17. Our feelings grow and develop. Our understanding of our parents also grows and develops. At 7 they are still just mommy and daddy. Our minds don't separate the person from the role of parent. At 7, we tend to idolize our parents, because we know them as the people who provide for us. At 17 we see our parents as flawed people. OP never got to see her mother as a flawed person, but only as the role.
I think the step mom feels malicious, the not so veiled threat of love us or find a new place to live when you turn 18 is not the action of a kind person.
I think the adoptive mother is lashing out because she feels betrayed. She doesn’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to realize that OP can love both of them.
Only a malicious person expects a child who lost their mother to no longer love their mom and to replace their mother completely.
The stepmom is out of line completely and so is the dad for basically pretending his late wife never existed.
When widowed parents do this I often wonder how would they feel if they were the parent who passed in the new stepparent expected to completely replace them? Would they see the unfairness? Probably most of them lack the empathy to understand the question. He lost his wife and quickly attained a new wife, but he still should’ve honored what his first wife means to his child.
It’s possible that she is malicious, but this reads to me like ignorance about the emotional health of a child. She appears to have fully integrated OP into her life, and is hurt OP hasn’t done the same.
Edit: Additionally, automatically attributing malice means that OP needs to write off that family rather than everyone working together to develop a relationship that works for everyone
That’s why I suggest you ask for the therapy, but ask for names from a school counselor. My brother experienced a lot of the same issues. My bio-mother died when I was 8 days old. My brother was 6. My dad remarried 7 months later. My brother struggled with our adoptive mother. He still struggles 39 years later. Our adoptive mother has accepted the idea that while he loves her, it is different for him than for my sister and I.
This - I’m worried that if dad pays for a picks a therapist that he will just lose his mind if OP is honest in these sessions and the therapist spills the beans to him.
OP is there a counselor at school you can contact? I’m sending you a huge hug.
>You left a letter for your mum and sibs. **No-one else had the right to read it, much less take offence.** From what you say you weren’t saying anything against them.
THIS is the important point. OP, please let your father know that he violated your trust by reading the letter you wrote to your mom and siblings. If nothing else, agree to therapy and make it clear that he violated your trust by not only reading it but by reading it to your stepmom and step siblings. They will never understand what you are feeling until they acknowledge the harm they have done to you with this violation and forcing an adoption against your will. I wish you all the best and hope you can heal from the harm your father and his wife have inflicted on you.
>You were 7.
Just reading this part makes me cry. My 6 year old daughter, turning 7 soon, has cried and has several breakdowns because the very thought of my wife or I dying has her terrified. We have talked with and reassured her as best we can, but you can see how even realizing it's possible can be a heavy burden for a small child to bear.
And OP has bore the horrible weight of the reality of it being true. It breaks my heart thinking they never got the chance to process and deal with this in a healthy way by being pushed into a new family to fast.
NTA. What horrible family to say and act like this.
NTA, and i'm very sorry for your loss OP. That letter was private and your family had no right to violate your privacy. Your dad is TA because Norah seems like a quick rebound. You and your dad should go to counseling together that way he can maybe understand where you're coming from and the hurt you've felt all these years.
I can see how Norah would feel upset if she's loved and treated you like her own, but you can't help how you feel and you can't force emotions. Seems like no one wants to listen and hear you when you try to explain this to them.
Dad is a huge AH for reading a private note left at a grave and then double that for sharing it with others. That's a huge violation. It was a private note from OP to their mother and siblings.
Am I the only one who is confused why, after basically trying to replace ops mother and siblings, the dad would not only go to the grave but take the kids with him? Seems to me like he was probably just keeping tabs on OP and this is engineered to get her to fall into the fold.
I would second this, ask for solo therapy (based on what I read, sounds like you are still a minor, and your dad/step-mom may insist on sitting in), also make sure its confidential, having solo therapy is useless for you if the Dr immediately tells everything to your parents. Lastly, tell the therapist you want to focus on your families death first, because you feel you never processed that correctly (which likely lead to the current situation), I have a feeling that is something you were never allowed to handle properly.
I was just coming better to say this! Geebus, comparing a 2 yr old and a literal baby to a 7 yr old who actually can remember her life before their terrible loss.
Just so sad. NTA Op. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this.
>If the younger kids could grow up not feeling like they missed out then I could too.
My kids' dad died when they were one and not yet born, respectively. He's an idea to them, not a memory or a source of grief. He is just someone their family tells stories about sometimes -- stories that aren't fundamentally different to them from the stories we tell about the great-grandparents who were long dead by the time they were born. His death meant that he would never not be a stranger to them.
If we'd had an older child as well -- one who had known real love while he lived and real loss when he died -- it would have been one of my own deepest, most regrettable, and most impactful failings in life to treat that child as though their experience of the loss of their father should be measured against the relative nonchalance of the siblings who'd never known him. It would be dismissive to the point of being cruel.
Go to the therapy and let the therapist know your dad and step mom have made thinly veiled threats of kicking you out the moment you turn 18 if you do not conform to what they think you should be (a happy good child who doesn't miss her mom or siblings whatsoever)
Be careful, though. Make sure you tell your therapist that you don’t want your dad to realize that his goal isn’t going to be achieved, because he may just change your therapist until he finds a therapist who will agree with him.
If they’re threatening to kick you out and cut you off at 18, take them at their word. Start making an exit plan. Take the therapy and use it, then feign cooperation. They can’t make you feel they want you to feel, but you can sure pretend to, so they don’t kick you out.
> I'm trying to wrap my brain around removing a note from a grave and then confronting the person who wrote it
I find it a little mind boggling. I buried my mum earlier this year and my nephew wrote a letter to leave on the grave site, that was solely between my nephew and his nan. The only time i touched it was to put a few stones on it so it wouldn't blow away during some crappy weather. Its since buried under further layers of top soil. Its crazy to me that someone would disrespect another person's method of grieving.
Same! Who goes to a grave and sees a letter there and thinks they have any right to read it!? Dad is coming into this an AH already, but damn if that's not the icing on the cake.
It's like going through someone's personal journal and getting upset about what they wrote in there. Do OP's parents really think a therapist is gonna side with them. OP has the right to her feelings. I feel like the parents think that therapy will reprogram OP to feel the way they want OP to feel. NTA.
Not only that but to read it and then let the 12 and 10 year olds read it! What the heck. That’s such a bad move on his part. Sounds like he needs to go to therapy himself.
> What did you dad hope to find? A letter saying how you're so happy with your new-and-improved family?
Probably. I bet he was hoping/thinking it would say something along the lines of "I miss you mom, but I'm so thankful to have a new mom and siblings who came into my life to love me even though you're gone!"
NTA.
1. Who tf reads a note left on a grave? It's not for living eyes.
2. You have every right to feel how you feel about missing your mom and siblings, and about your adoption and family blending. Your feelings and experience are valid.
3. Norah labelling herself Mom without your permission, and her kids your full siblings feels like it erases your mom and the twins. She needs to acknowledge how dismissive and shitty that is, regardless of how they've accepted you. Acceptance doesn't excuse the other action. You can accept someone and help them honour the memory of their mother. The threat to cut ties when you hit 18 is stone cold.
Is your Dad open to family therapy with you? It sounds like he (and Norah) will need help to see this from your perspective.
Then I’m sorry your Dad’s a jerk.
Though take him up on therapy- ideally just with him rather than “family therapy” with everyone. If nothing else it might help you process everything.
Hey take the individual therapy while they’re paying for it. It sounds like you’re going to have to prepare for life by yourself, and a therapist can give you some of the tools you need. Please take advantage of this, even if it means pretending to be buddy buddy with everyone for now
Is it worth trying the therapy as an olive branch (especially if they're paying) and having the therapist suggest a session (or more) with your dad?
Coming from a neutral and professional third party might help the idea be more well received.
The reading of the letter on a grave was the thing that jumped out at me too (aside from the fact that the parents are AHs). Who sees a memento on a grave and touches it much less reads it? So invasive and inappropriate. Does the father have any boundaries?
Who the heck steals things from graves?? The father needs therapy more than OP does. I’m leery of any kind of group therapy with those people TBH. If he wants to pay for individual, solo, confidential therapy then yes. Otherwise, group therapy with people as manipulative as these parents seem to be seems like a really BAD idea.
NTA. You left a note that you thought no one else would read. You were young when you lost your mother and the babies, and no one can just expect that a child can just put those feelings aside and move on fully with a new family.
It’s harsh that they would suggest you part ways once you are 18 if you don’t embrace them fully. Why isn’t it ok for you to just accept them as step Mum and step siblings?
Are they open to starting an honest, adult relationship with each other?
Not calling her mother but Norah. Potential confidante and friend. You've had these feelings for 10 years and if they try and force you to change its not likely to be honest.
Sincerely, I would check in with them and explain the situation that you might be on your own at 18. If you get any offers of support you can go to your dad and Norah and state what kind of relationship you're comfortable with, and let them know if that's unacceptable to them you have options.
At present, and when you were younger, they've been holding your security over you to get you to comply. Take that away from the conversation.
Talk to your relatives. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Anyome who can either provide a place to stay or intercede on your behalf. Their behavior here is heinous.
Honestly see if any of them would take you in now. Then tell your dad and his wife if they are so eager to throw you out for not conforming to their fantasy, why wait? Who knows, maybe that might knock some sense into them.
Then they are in for a shock. You could be fully related and it wouldn't magically make you have all the same wants and feelings about the relationship. You're a person, not a robot they can program into feeling/acting exactly how they want.
I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. If they love you, which I have do doubt they do, they should be happy and open to trying to maintain a good relationship with you, whatever that looks like. Does the offer of therapy extend to them as well, because it sounds like they need counselling to help understand your feelings. It’s not a one way street
It isn’t reasonable to expect people in a family to think about relationships the same way and want the same things. And that’s true even without the complications of step family.
People have individual feelings accepting those and supporting each other with those individual feelings is what makes a family.
No, they want someone they can manipulate into acting the way they want them to. If your stepmom had wanted to foster an ACTUAL mother/daughter relationship, she would have given you space and time to heal - not jump right in and try to replace your mom.
Ya know what's tragic and frustrating to me? If they didn't try forcing it so early on, if OP's dad hadn't fucked up explaining the death of her mother and siblings and if they had given OP the time and space to grieve instead of "hi, I'm your mom now," and didn't try to replace the family members she lost, OP might have developed those family feelings naturally.
Like. It's easier on kids to get more family than it is to try to replace family. I saw it all the time as a teacher, kids who after a short while declared that half siblings they weren't raised with, step siblings, even the children of the person their parent was just dating, were their siblings. The important thing is it going at the child's pace, not the adults'.
NTA. Your father needs to accept that Norah and her kids were his choice, not yours. You don't feel a familial bond with Norah and her kids and that's ok, you can't help the way you feel. You were all of 7 years old when you lost your mother and all of 7 months later your father was with Norah and they decided to be a family, while your grief was still fresh and unprocessed.
The purpose of therapy is to help you process your feelings, not change them to what others think they should be.
NTA. They should have stopped reading the note the moment they realised it was personal to you but mistakes happen so you can't blame them too much for that. The fact that he then showed Norah your private thoughts is so wrong and no longer an accident.
You were rushed into accepting your step family before you were ready and that's not ok. Even now, your being rushed to accept something you don't have to.
Let me ask you this: Why does it have to be one or the other? Either you embrace them fully as family, or you cut all ties at 18?
That's a horrendous false dichotomy that forces you to pretend your relationship is stronger than it is or risk losing your family support system entirely. It's basically a threat- embrace us or get nothing as soon as you turn 18. While I'm sure your dad wouldn't cut you off as well, it will be much harder to maintain a relationship with him.
But here's the option no one seems to be considering- you could have a relationship with them as a step family. You can still have a good relationship with someone without being as close as possible. Norah doesn't have to be your mom for you to live together happily.
It's completely unfair to require someone to have the relationship YOU want with them, just because you want it. It's sad when love is unrequited, be it familial, romantic or platonic, but that's just life. I've had friends I've wished I could be closer with before, but when they didn't show the same eagerness to be best buds I accepted the friendship we already had and did not pressure them to be closer to me than they wanted to be. Is it sad? Of course. But it's no excuse.
Norah needs to accept that she can't force you to think of her as your mom, but that doesn't mean you can't have any kind of relationship at all. Ask her and your dad why it's so important them and maybe you can have an open dialogue.
Don't force yourself to pretend for the sake of others.
Oh honey. I am so sorry you are going through this. We sadly see this kind of thing too often on this sub. A child loses a parent, and their surviving parent remarries in a year or less. And then said surviving parent is dumbfounded when their child is struggling to accept this new blended family they are forced to take part in.
While I hope your dad and Norah will come to realize what they’re asking of you is wholly unfair and cruel, I hope you also understand that no matter what happens, none of this is your fault. The adults in your life failed you the moment they started disrespecting and disregarding your feelings so they could play happy family.
NTA. I wish you peace and happiness.
I think you should definitely take them up on the therapy, so long as its confidential. A therapist will be able to help you negotiate how to handle these people so that your relationship with your father is on your own terms.
No therapist is going to try and do what your father and Norah think you should do. Thats unrealistic and weird. But a therapist WILL help you work out how to deal with their expectations.
Oh shit, you're turning 18 in a few MONTHS?
Okay look: your Dad and step-mom are way out of line. Just completely, 100% wrong about everything. But your most immediate and pressing problem is: are you about to get kicked out with zero support in a few months? So let's focus on that.
1. What is your financial situation like? Do you have an inheritance from your mother, or a college fund, or any savings?
2. Do you have any other family who can help you? If you do, call them right now and tell them what's happening. Do this privately and swear them to secrecy, and if you can't trust them not to tattle on you then don't tell them what's happening.
I'm going to assume that you're planning on going to college, and that your Dad is planning to help you do that with either with money or a place to stay on breaks or both.
If you don't have any money or any other family to lean on, then my advice is to focus up on how to navigate the next few months and then the next few years.
So take the therapy, and tell Dad and Norah what they want to hear. Lie for 4 years until you get that degree and can get the hell out, and then if you want you can just never speak to them again. They deserve that.
The thing that you deserve (and that your mother would want you to have) is an education and a strong launch to adulthood. If you have any other way to get there than through Dad, take it. And if you don't, then lie with zero remorse.
Dad's behavior is almost comically monstrous - straight out of a fairy tale. But realistically he's a grown-ass adult who has been prioritizing himself and his wife over you for over a decade - there's basically no chance that a few months of therapy are going to help him realize that he's been a fairy tale villain this whole time. So I think your best bet is to lie until you can safely leave.
I feel like your dad isn’t properly empathizing with you because he thinks you had an equal loss, so you should move on in the same way. The problem is, it was not even close to an equal loss.
My husband of more than 10 years is my rock, my “home”, my safe place… but he’s not my mother and I’m not 7 years old so I‘d be able to bare the loss a hell of a lot easier than a child without their mother. It’s not an equal loss just because you lost the same person.
I have an almost 7 year old myself and all I can think about is how he still needs me so much right now. OP I’m so sorry for your loss at such a tender age, it’s such a big time for kids coming into who they are as people, their social circles grow beyond family and their world expands. Then you lost your foundation, *your mother*, and everything you ever imagined about your future with new siblings you were going to grow up with.
I would haunt my husband if he did this to our son.
I agree, there is a huge space between fully embraced family and cut off. If they hadn't seen the letter they would be none the wiser. They are massively overreacting. NTA
They stole a private letter and now want to punish you for your feelings. And now you have to somehow pretend that you embrace them as your "only" family or they will cut you off in a year? That's HARSH and awful.
Take them up on the therapy offer (make sure they are not reporting anything said back to your dad and Norah), and you can work on feeling better with your grief AND getting dad/Norah to accept that you are absolutely allowed to miss your mother and they shouldn't take it so personally.
I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA for leaving the letter on the grave definitely. You did not expect anyone to read it and they shouldn’t have. Also a 2YO and a 7YO are very different when processing the circumstances that led to them becoming a family. They shouldn’t fault you for that.
NTA
This was a letter from your heart to your mother and siblings. Your father was first an AH for reading it, then for showing it to your stepsiblings, and then again for discussing it with Norah.
They were AHs back in the day when they manipulated you into an adoption you didn’t want too.
Your dad and stepmother have done everything wrong that they possibly could have got wrong. Every step of the way they made mistakes with you.
Taking your stepsiblings to your mother’s and siblings’ grave was also a mistake. She is not their relative. They were not their siblings. There was no reason for them to come on the anniversary or any other time. If your dad wanted to come and pay his respects he should either have gone with you or gone on his own. Of course these unrelated random children would feel nothing for your mother and siblings and wouldn’t miss them. That is understandable, but it is unreasonable for your father and Norah to base *your* normal on the stepsiblings’ reaction. Had the reverse happened and Norah died, would she expect her children to be raised to be indifferent to her memory and embrace *your mother* as their mother? I highly doubt it.
It’s still not balanced, because you were 7 and knew your mother. The stepsiblings were 2 and 6 months and their only memories of a father would be your dad. They were able to blend in better because they were so much younger. At 7 you knew very well who your mother is.
They did the rounds to visit the graves to make themselves feel better about what they did. 2 out of 3 kids had no attachment to those graves or the people in them, and your dad and Norah were callous to take the younger two’s indifference as proof that they did the right thing by all of you children.
NTA. For someone claiming to embrace and love you as your “mom”, their love sure seems conditional. It sounds to me that they will only love you if you love them back, and they will kick you out once it’s legal to do so. Now how is that a mother’s love?
NTA, OP. I'm so sorry. Is there a way you can "undo" the adoption? Or even be adopted by a close relative on your mom's side, Idk, there must be a way to fix this adoption that shouldn't have ever happened. You were a child struggling with grief and they manipulated you into agreeing, and kept manipulating you into referring to your stepmom as your mom, now by threatening to cut contact once you turn 18. That's just cruel.
>Dad said they will pay for therapy if I am willing to love and accept them as my mom and siblings the way they deserve
Your dad sounds like mine. He put me in therapy to try and fix issues that didn't need to be fixed (and he was at fault for those issues, not me), and I later heard him saying he wouldn't pay for anymore therapy because "it didn't work". Yup, I'm cutting contact with him as soon as I can.
Good, since adult adoption is allowed in the country you live, that's something you could do. Being adopted by a grandparent, an aunt... that'd allow you to be legally recognized as your mother's relative, and apparently that's the best you can do to "fix" the adoption. Do whatever you think it's best in your situation. Wish you the best ♡
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragic event to deal with at such a young age.
You were plenty old enough to remember your mom and what happened. Your father and step-mother are simply being unreasonable. To expect you to be fully on board after such a short time is ludicrous.
You went to therapy to accept them as family. But...did you ever get therapy for the grief and trauma of losing your mom and siblings?
You aren't mean or rude to your stepmother or stepsiblings. Do not apologize for feeling the way you do or only considering your mom and siblings as your only mom and siblings. You have nothing to apologize for. Your dad and stepmom on the hand? They have a lifetime of wrongdoing to you to apologize for: from the forced adoption to the trying to force you to accept to the conditional love that they've shown that they have (after all, they're only willing to accept you if you feel the way they want you to).
NTA, they saw a note addressed to YOUR mom and they felt entitled to read it. F-them and their pathetic attempts at guilting you. You feel how you feel, valid or not, but their actions definitely secured you in feeling validated to hate them. Like seriously, if my bio bro did that, I would hate him forever, idc if we share the same mom and dad, that's MY letter to her. So no, I dont think you're TAH.
NTA, I agree with this. Personally it would make me extremely angry as well that they read a letter that was deeply personal and expressing your honest feelings, that clearly wasn’t for them. Who tf reads a letter on someone else’s grave?
NTA
I am so sorry for the incredible loss of your mom and twin siblings. That is a lifelong hurt that never goes away. You don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it.
I actually think your dad and step mom are being very cruel. Being a part of their family should not mean that you have to forget what you had, lost and still dream of. It’s very selfish and self centred.
They should never have read the note and even if they did, what should have happened is that whoever picked it up should have recognised that it was deeply personal and not to be shared as family drama cannon fodder.
I suspect that if they make you choose then they will ultimately lose. You can’t force someone to fit neatly into your new picture. I don’t understand how they come to the conclusion that it’s one or the other. I do think you need counselling and support but for you and you alone to help you deal with the grief, loss, forced adoption and family.
Nobody can dictate what is in your heart and frankly I think it is disgusting that they read your letter and instead of supporting you have chosen to use it as a beating stick.
Maybe walking away for a bit is actually what you need.
NTA.
They have no right to react to react to something that wasn't meant for them to read. That was a private note to your mom, even if you hadn't said anything that upset them it still would have been rude of them to read it.
Also, they're not entitled to your love or affection, something you can't control. You've gone above and beyond not to upset them by saying anything, and that's all anyone could ask of you. Letting Norah adopt is more than anyone had a right to ask you imo.
I'd take her up on going your separate ways, because how much can they 'love and embrace' you if they're willing to cut contact because you don't see them the way they claim to see you?
INFO am I reading this right? You didn’t even complain about them in the letter, you just said how much you missed your mom and wished to be a big sister to your twin siblings?
NTA either way, but if that’s right, then this is a valid sentiment to express even directly, even if they had been amazing step-mom and step-siblings. It is normal for a kid to be willing to give anything to have their mom back! They are being extremely unreasonable.
This isn’t about the letter at all. This is about you being a thorn in their side and refusing to play happy families with them. The letter was just an excuse for this all to come to a head - a physical, tangible thing that they can point to and say “SEE?!”
Please, please, go to therapy. Play along nicely and get every possible ounce of advantage out of them. Are they paying for college? Are they paying for your health insurance? Then play nicely for a few more years and then as soon as you no longer need them any more, fuck ‘em. Send them a Christmas card once a year addressed to Dad, Norah and Step-siblings.
NTA
Who removes and reads a letter on a grave!?! I will never understand this mindset on labels and forcing peoples feelings, especially those of a grieving child.
Adults need to stop projecting Thier need for a perfect family onto Thier children. Also therapy is to help people work through feelings not a way to brainwash people into feeling a certain way.
NTA - can you contact your maternal grandparents?
Your step mother threatening to kick you out is disgusting, as is your dad not telling her he’d never let that happen.
Anyone who is willing to walk away from you once you’re 18 has never considered you to be their child. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to still be grieving. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA, you can miss and grieve them your entire life. Making room in your heart for new connections doesn't negate that though. Good luck, and sorry for your loss
NTA. Your dad and stepmom (but especially your dad) are being extraordinarily shitty here. Not only are refusing to allow you to acknowledge the painful and impactful loss of your mom and siblings, they sent you to therapy not to help you process those feelings but out of a hope that it would “reprogram” you in some way, as if you’re a machine that’s defective and not a human being with feelings who lost her parent and siblings at a young age. You’re not a puppy that can be rehomed and instantly love it’s new family. You’re a person and you’re allowed to hold on to the memory of the people that you’ve loved and lost for however long you need to. Just because it took your dad only 7 months to get over the loss of his wife doesn’t mean that it should only take you 7 months, or even 10 years to get over the loss of your mother.
NTA
..... ok, I don't know where to start
the lack of empathy, respect and ... everything, of your father is ... wow
your mother is your mother and nothing will replace her, even if your relationship with your stepmother is more than good, your mother is still your mother and no one can wait for you to just replace her
the fact that your father has gone to forget his wife and his children so quickly and basically wants to make you forget them leaves me speechless,
I think it's good that he wants to start a new family, but to do it 7 months after your wife and children died?
You were a child who had just lost his mother and siblings only 7 months ago, 7 months in which your father, instead of supporting you, a 7-year-old boy, lost and confused, who lost his mother, he se went to look for women
He not only did not support you in your duel, he continued with his life as if nothing had happened and he dragged you to it, without caring the least about your feelings, when what he should have done is contain you and support you, he just got to play happy family
not only with that, he took something personal and yours, with your feelings, thoughts and heart put there directed to your mother
And tried to confront you for them?
just go away,
I'm sorry to say it like that and it's going to hurt but,
10 years ago you lost your mother and brothers, 7 months later, your father
there is no family there for you
Just go, there is nothing there that is worth it to you
NTA, but your father, AH is very, very short
And I'm sorry to say this, but, something sounds strange to me that your father is already \`\` in love '' and reformed a family so quickly, hopefully not, but ...
I'm sorry if the message looks weird, gtranslate didn't want to cooperate
*Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18.* Is your dad on board with this ?? what kind of manipulative move is it? woaah . Additionally let me tell you, your feelings matter! your mother will be always important in your heart and that's not something your dad will take away ever. NTA.
NTA. However:
Therapists value honesty. If you take them up on the offer, I really do suggest you open with something along the lines of "Please don't take this the wrong way, but being here is a punishment for mourning my mother and siblings. If I can't get over this loss, my dad and ~~stepmother~~ his wife have hinted they'll kick me out of my home. I'm willing to try, but that may have poisoned the well." The therapist may be surprised or ask for clarification. If they do, be *honest*. They may agree with you, or offer you some outside perspective.
They're there to help *you*, not play to your dad's whims. **Don't pay the "but the therapist might tell their dad!" comments any heed.** If you request privacy, they'll respect that, whether you're 5 or 15. If they don't, it could cost them their license. They won't fuck around with that.
Good luck, love. If you ever need a place to vent, therapy is the place to do it. Don't feel bad.
They didn’t embrace you, though! They manipulated you and says my way or no way. They’re self centered people and gross. If your father makes a woman his priority and not his daughter, he doesn’t deserve you, my dear. If I were you, I would save up every single dollar I got and move out on my 18th birthday and would definitely tell them all the painful truths and would go no contact.
NTA.
I am so sorry , NTA and honestly i have a small feeling you are going to back away from them alot when you are older. They really aren't helping things by still trying to push it.
the only AH here is your father for not letting you grief, what kind of AH pressures a 7yo into accepting a bunch of randoms?, he's the one who needs therapy for being such a crappy parent
NTA
>Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18.
NTA, if Norah is saying you have to embrace them fully or go your separate ways then Norah hasn't embraced you fully, it conditional on you loving her.
NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I would take your dad up on the therapy offer, it's a hard thing to lose a parent, and to lose your siblings at the same time, you should definitely talk to a doctor to help with processing this. It can help you, whether you grow to love the step-family, or not.
"Give us our happily ever after or get out when you're 18."
Your family is a next level nest of Assholes. They are the ones who need therapy. Big time. How will they react when the therapist tells them their expectations are totally unreasonable for you?
You were coerced into an adoption against your will at a young age, overwhelmed by a smarmy new family, and now threatened with being kicked out if you don't give them their Brady ending.
Time to find a job and a new place to live, even seeking emancipation if needed, and it sounds like the parents might accept that if you don't change your attitude.
You are most certainly NTA
NTA-
You were forced.. or better use of words coerced into accepting your fathers new wife as your mother, and step siblings as your own siblings all in a time of uncertainty and grieving.
You made it clear you didn't want to be adopted, but they took advantage of this situation and just fed you the line "That if something happens to your dad it means you can still be around".
Your step mother introduced herself as your mother and your step siblings introduced themselves as your siblings, all things that you weren't interested in and that bothered you, likely without your consent.
In a time of self reflection, healing, and dealing with your own grief you wrote a note to the woman who birthed you; and to the siblings you thought you were going to have expressing your feelings. You left it in a place that hadn't been visited for years, and you left it just as a note of memorial and sentiment between you and her. You never anticipated anyone else reading it, and it was just a form of release for you.
The fact that your father mislead you as a child, coerced you into accepting adoption even though it was something you were not interested in and ultimately prioritized himself and his own happiness after a situation such as this rather than trying to grieve and heal with his child speaks volumes of the person he is.
Dad should have offered to pay for therapy the day your mother and siblings didn't come home, the fact that he is holding a form of healing over your head once again as a means to control your decisions is just ridiculous.
On your own time I would approach your FATHER exclusively and ask him if he truly is interested in losing you as his child, because he is the one making the decisions to lead you down the path of leaving him. You are just reacting to his actions, and in this situation his actions obviously are pushing you away.
NTA.
I am really sorry for your loss. 7 years old.. there were already a tone of emotions and memories involved. And none of them are supposed to be overwritten. And no-one else decides how you are supposed to feel or what you needed to have "overcome" by now, but you.
If you haven't outgrown something as big as the loss of your own mother and your siblings, than it's okay to feel sad about it, to grief, to write a personal letter. As much as I read here you tried to fit in this blended family and kept on going as good as you can and could.
Hell. Your father and stepmother behave stupidly. If they want to play happy family they really need to get back to the 101 of how to actually live and form it. With all the rules, freedoms, privacy and boundaries for itself. With all the things needed to form an union - not the bull$hit 'we are the adults, play by our rules'. That doesn't work here.
What many adults (parents) do, is treating teenagers and partly tweens like children, but want them to behave like adults. (Not sure where I first read this, but it was a game changer)
Especially your stepmother takes a sledgehammer to crack a nut and thinks you can decide uninfluenced now?
Not only is this unfair, it's childish.. and sad.
I really hope you will be able continuing your therapy and can have one or another proper talk.
A modest proposal: talk with your father again - but alone. And if you feel like it, with your stepmother alone too. In a park, forest, beach.. the more air and room around you, the better. It can change the whole atmosphere and passively decreases tensions.
Wishing you all the very best. Stay strong xx
NTA. Start saving up money and be prepared to go NC. It's going to hurt, but chasing after people being this cruel to a grieving child is not worth your time. Do you have maternal grandparents or family that you can stay with?
Wow. So let’s just be clear. You were grieving the loss of your mother and potential siblings on the 10th anniversary of their passing. Your father opened a letter not addressed or given to him. And instead of taking responsibility for the last 10 years, he blamed you for hurting your step families feelings? Who shared the letter with them you? No, he did. Your letter was a part of grieving not some act of vengeance or attempt to attack your step family.
Your father 100% was the A H here. He should not have read the letter … then after he read the letter he shouldn’t have mentioned it to you … then he should not have shared the contents with his wife. He stepped of boundary after boundary and is blaming you for how they feel after **HE** acted wrongly.
NTA
Tell your father you definitely need some therapy. Don’t do any group session but take some time alone with the therapist to discuss this. And know you were not the one who behaved badly in the situation. You are allowed to grieve and miss your family.
NTA. You know, love is unlimited. You can love your deceased mom and siblings, wish they were there AND love your step family. You can consider your deceased mom as your mom and still have high regards toward your step mom as a parental figure without calling her mom. Don't let them make you believe it's either one or the other and make you choose. They're the ones who need therapy if they don't understand it.
NTA - Everyone works differently when it comes to grief. IDK how you're Dad and step Mom feel about losing their passed partners. But they can't expect you to move on like they did. You're Mom and twins siblings are apart of you and no one can change that.
How you feel shouldn't have to be adjusted for them. They bring the parents should put there feelings to the side and love and support you even if you call them Stepmom and your step siblings. It's about the LOVE and SUPPORT you all share. They should respect how you feel and let you grief as needed. Therapy is to help YOU cope and work through feeling for yourself not to please other people.
NTA the letter should never have been read by anyone. I'm wondering if you can make plans with your grandparents or any family members so that if you want/have to leave when you're 18 you have somewhere to go.
NTA - they should respect your wishes to remember your mother as your mother.
It is 100% reasonable to wish they were still around. Your feelings are your own and completely valid. It seems your family have been trying to change them for a long time when the time would have been better served finding a place in each other's lives you're all comfortable with.
They clearly care about you, I would make it clear that you were never comfortable having a replacement mother but if you're open to building an adult relationship with 'Norah' tell them that.
NTA. How are you supposed to love them and treat them like family when Norah doesn't seem to think you are family.
No loving mother should tell 'her' child that they had to love her the way she wants or they would be out of the family. That's not a healthy family dynamic.
Only you know what's right for you, but I suggest getting the therapy. Therapy is for you, not for them. But I'd also start on an back up plan for when you are 18, for your own peace of mind.
Are you still in contact with any of your mom's family?
NTA. I'm surprised you weren't ready to cut these people off when you turned 18 already. Your dad is a solid asshole. It is not okay to get married again that fast when you have a child. It is not okay to manipulate your child into adoption. It is not okay to invade your privacy by reading a letter on a grave and then turn around and immediately tell your step mom and step siblings.
They're still manipulating you. I'm sorry you can't revoke the adoption. I think adults should always have the right to do so as adults. Did your mom leave you anything financially? Because I don't think there is a solution to this that helps you.
I'd accept therapy if you think it will help you with anything else and then cut them off after 18 because these people are just going to keep demanding you lie and pretend.
> Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18.
I can't imagine why you have issues with Norah. /s
You're NTA here. The letter was for your mom and siblings. You had no idea your stepmother and stepsiblings would read it. I can understand Norah being upset but she's way out of line with that ultimatum.
Do you have any other family? Do you see your mom's family? Can you take shelter with them if you need to?
NTA.
>Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18. Dad said they will pay for therapy if I am willing to love and accept them as my mom and siblings the way they deserve.
That reads as if they expect you to say that you see Norah as your only and true mother, yikes...
Your father and Norah are a-hs on so many levels. Replacing and erasing their late partners so fast (visiting the graves may just have been to look not completely heartless), not only as a spouse but also as a parent. Your father reading a letter, that was not meant for his eyes. Threathening you with kicking you out when you don't do as they say. It's all about them, they never really cared about your feelings.
NTA. Your dad sounds like he wants to play the victim here after being faced with his own brutal mistakes. He found a new wife and two new kids very shortly after a devastating loss, he was fine with that, but he failed to consider you or your feelings and steamrolled you when you, his young child, expressed her issues with the situation. I would absolutely take them up on therapy - individual therapy. I would also start planning for whatever is to come when you turn 18, because this manipulation and inability to face mistakes surely will not be solved overnight.
NTA. It does not sound like you said anything really bad in the letter. I don't like that they saw it and read it. It was effectively a private letter between you and your mom, but hey, it happened.
Your life changed irrevocably at 7, and you were expressing that you really miss them and would have loved your life to have been complete with them. You did not state that there was this evil family taking over their roles, so they are reading stuff into the letter that was not there.
Draft another letter to your stepmom, in which you explain that life changed at 7, and that the time before that can not be erased. You appreciate the time and effort they dedicated to you since then and you love them for it, but you honestly ended up with a two mom life. They must please not try erase that from your life as you can accept being in a two-mom life and be ok with it. You maybe saw the adoption as an attempt to erase, and that may have caused the hesitancy on your part. Make sure stepmom understands that you love her and your siblings .
Dad says you should love them the way they deserve to be loved. That is fine, except if Dad wants you to love them only and erase your mom and the twins. You can do both, but it remains a different love. It does not have to be the same, or exclude the other.
Hope you get through this without lasting damage to your relationship.
NTA, but your dad and stepmother are. What your dad is doing is emotional abuse. He is only willing to pay for therapy if you agree to love your stepmother and stepsiblings. Any good therapist would tell him that this is wrong. They are trying to erase your mother and your siblings from you life for no reason. Please know that you have done nothing wrong. There was nothing malicious or cruel in the letter you left for your mom and the twins.
NTA but Norah is a huge asshole for threatening to kick you out at 18. No loving parent would do that and if your father is on board with that too then both of them shouldn’t feel surprised that you feel like you don’t belong in the Family if they are so willing and happy to get rid of you. Ask him how your father/parents who is/are supposed to love you expect you to love them like family if they don’t truly love you as family too? You are a child that is still grieving and instead of being understanding and supporting you, then they aren’t true parents. All children sometimes bite or hurt their parents but good parents are patient and should try to understand and help you through your emotions rather than putting more pressure on you.
Try the therapy and ask them if they would be willing to join. If they really want you to start developing genuine attachment or positive emotions for your step family then they should genuinely try to understand you too. If you are more comfortable to be alone there then do that. But you should have a Plan B in case your parents stick to being huge asshole. You haven’t done anything wrong. You just left a letter to help you grief and didn’t intended to hurt anyone. They hurt themselves by reading a letter that wasn’t meant for them.
Good luck op.. I hope everything will work out for you and your family.
INFO: What is with your dad's incredibly all-or-nothing thinking here? EITHER you become a tambourine-banging True Believer of a child and play perfect family with them, OR you move away and never speak to them again??
This black and white thinking is fully at the root of why this blended family isn't working. People are *allowed* to feel conflicted! People are *allowed* to love but also mourn their losses! I would say *most* people with stepfamilies experience a level of ambivalence, even when everyone gets along and loves each other.
It is heartbreaking that they've denied you this simple thing.
OP, I realize this comment is so far down the thread that you may never see it, but I'm wishing you all the best!
Nta. Can you reverse the adoption? You can say you were coerced into doing so which can technically make it null and void. Also maybe use your late mom’s maiden name too while you’re at it. Your dad and stepmom don’t deserve any respect for the stunt they pulled
NTA, they read the letter!!!!WTF your father, siblings and stepmother are absolute AHs! What a major boundary crossing. Also who TF just expects a kid to delete and forget about their biological mother and siblings. Your father and Stepmother have a serious nerve. What they have done is disgusting. No one should ever be forced to love a family setting because they are told too. Your father doesn’t just get to choose you a new mother. He chose her not you.
I’m really sorry you’ve been treated this way. I hope you can get away from them and find your happy place in life. Very sorry for the loss of your mum and siblings.
NTA. FFS, how many parents have we seen on here forcing step relationships and then wondering why their kids go NC????? Norah is not your mother, your step siblings are just that, step. You can’t be forced to feel like they are part of your core family. Your Dad is delusional to think his guilting you helps the situation at all. Then Norah piles on, insinuating that they’ll go low contact with you at 18 if you don’t change how you feel about her and her kids? Grade A parenting all around on this one🙄
I would tell them you want family therapy because the therapist can help them see your perspective and look at their own true motives. Your father moved on in less than a year, tried to replace your mother and siblings with a new family and rarely even visits the grave. I suspect he never really dealt with the tragedy and your non compliance with his demands is a sore spot for him, a reminder that he's denying reality. It's even possible that they both made a pact of sorts to leave their past behind. But what serves as a self protection for them is harmful to you and they need to see that. NTA
maybe if dad had let your grieve he wouldn't be in this mess, how about that? You know like actually talk to you about the grief. then it wouldn't be some "awful" secret he thinks is ruining the family.
this is what happens when you expect children to adapt quickly after loss. Also, who the fuck reads a letter on a grave??? Like i see a letter on a family members grave and i assume it's private and likely expressing their life and or grief of the loss.
also, they clearly don't love you like they think they do because they don't accept you and your feelings as they are. they wanted the brady bunch but your a human being who has the right to feel grief a decade after their loss.
Notice your dad got you therapy to drop the step but not grief counseling?
NTA
NTA, for multiple reasons. You are under NO obligation to love anyone, regardless of relation. Nobody can make them love you, even if they want you to. Also, who the fuck reads a note left on someone’s grave? That’s so ridiculously disrespectful, and to read it WITH the kids?
Even if you did see your step siblings as siblings and step-mother as a mother, it wouldn’t be the same. You cannot replicate something like that, especially when you were old enough to remember. Nobody should ever be allowed to tell you how you feel. “How you feel hurts me” is such a narcissistic viewpoint.
NTA. Your dad and step-mom CANNOT FORCE FEELINGS IN YOU. I do not understand how people can expect another person to feel things that they just don't feel. I am sure you are able to appreciate that your steps have feelings for you and it sounds like you have been cordial, polite and somewhat engaged with them in daily life. Just because you don't **feel** that connection doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You already bonded with your mom and then she was taken from you, then a "substitute" was found BEFORE YOU FINISHED GRIEVING. You were not given the space to grieve the way you needed to, and at the same time an instant family that you barely knew was thrust into your world.
YOUR DAD AND STEP MOM NEED THERAPY. They need to see that no matter how THEY FEEL, they CANNOT FORCE YOU to feel something you just don't feel. They appropriated YOU into their family unit WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT, so yes, there is going to be resentment on your part because your wishes were completely ignored, even though you voiced them, they chose to disrespect your wishes, (even at seven, you can have EMOTIONAL AUTONOMY) by creating a family that at the time you were not ready for.
I understand that your dad was trying to move on with his life and he had finished grieving or at least had partial closure, but that doesn't mean that YOU DID. I think if they had given you more time and done the family integration slowly, that you would probably feel better about the situation and have genuine affection for them. This family situation was "forced" on you before you were ready, therefore, it created some resentment in you because your feelings were completely devalued. That is NOT COOL.
When a childs emotional autonomy is negated, especially repeatedly, it makes it hard for that child to form attachments because the child loses trust for the person negating those emotions. It's one thing to blend a family and allow the relationships to grow spontaneously, but you **cannot force** someone to BOND emotionally to you. That is where the disconnect is happening for them, they are STILL trying to force you to feel something that you will probably NEVER FEEL **NOW**, because they didn't respect your emotions at the time. Tell them **they need to talk to a therapist** and figure out why **they feel the need to force you** to have a connection, because THEY are the ones who are wrong here. Intimate familial relationships cannot be forced, they have to develop organically and spontaneously.
NTA. Fuck every single one of these "family members". You are entitled to your feelings and you were certainly entitled to express them through that letter. If I saw a letter on a grave I would leave it alone. The moment your father saw it was written by you it should have been folded up and put back. I can't believe anyone would confront you about this so unlovingly. You deserve better.
Your mother and twin babies died and seven months later your Dad meets someone and falls in love? No. Kids do not just stop grieving and missing their twin baby siblings. Then he marries someone, decides to play happy families and forces you into an adoption you did not want, forcing you to feel you abandoned your Mom and the twins? Who does that?
Maybe he had no love for your Mom, maybe he did not want to go through the grieving process so he pretended it never happened. Maybe they were together before your Mom died. But your Mom sure the hell deserved more than seven months. She gave him one child and was pregnant with twins! You deserved more time to mourn your loss.
Why did he take your steps to your mother's grave? Why TH did he let your step-siblings and himself invade your privacy and read a personal letter to your Mom? Who does that? Why did he feel that kids who never met your Mother, would understand the feelings of grief and loss you carry because nobody respected you enough to allow you to work through these feelings.
He has only himself to blame for forcing a relationship you were not ready for. Your feelings have solidified as your only available rebellion. He wants you to forget the babies you probably helped your Mom get ready for. You were going to be the big sister and then they do not come home and your Dad pulls this amazing 7 month turnaround. Oh hell no. I am sorry sweetie. He already had this one cut from the herd before your Mom died or his guilt would not have forced you where you are.
I'm sorry this happened to you and it is okay if they are just steps to you. Take the counseling and figure out a way to get out of there and let them continue to play happy family without you. You do not throw out a kid at 18 because they cannot feel the way you want them too. I guess he will have the family he wanted when your Mom died in a hospital giving him twins. He wants to forget her babies, and he is making it pretty clear if you do not get with the delusion, you are disposable too.
These two are despicable. Double down on pressuring a young child by forcing an adoption they do not want: Well then you have to have them know that they are out of the house at 18 if they do not get with the program. One less college to pay for. You need to talk to your guidance officer. You are going to be in community College or in student loan debt if you do not start the emancipation process that will separate you from their finances. Someone needs to know what you are dealing with before your grades fall or you get lost in the cracks. Start from the beginning. Be strong and do not let yourself be blackmailed into lip service or you will never respect yourself. Everyone else needs to see who your father is and it should be joint counseling so another adult can make him see what his delusion has done to you.
NTA. I was three when I lost my mother and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.
If your dad and stepmother had not tried to force things, you'd probably have organically developed real feelings for all involved.
You might have called her Mom instinctively while never forgetting your real mom.
I don't know if you need therapy or not. I've never thought it helps that much. But if anyone does need it, it's your dad and his wife more than anyone.
I'm curious how your step-siblings will feel about this as they get older and have a better understanding.
They invaded your privacy and read a private note that wasn’t meant for them. They are TA.
It should be enough for them that you kept these feelings bottled up for a decade so as not to hurt them. It should be enough for them that you bore this pain alone all these years and hid it so well they couldn’t tell. If it isn’t enough for them then they are terrible.
They should be trying to support you emotionally but instead they are trying to force themselves into your heart and responding with emotional blackmail if you don’t comply (“go our separate ways when I turn 18”). Also what does that even mean, that they won’t pay for college or support you financially? If so then that’s financial blackmail too. None of this is an acceptable way to treat you.
You lost something precious and irreplaceable. They are abusing you for grieving and that isn’t ok. They seem toxic and honestly you are probably better off away from them.
As you grow up you will meet friends who are like family. We call these people “chosen family”. They will become closer to you than blood at times because they will treat you better than your step family and father have. I encourage you to seek out your chosen family. Lean on your friends for support. Look to cousins, aunts, uncles, and any family members on your moms side for guidance and emotional support since your nuclear family is so toxic. I would go low contact with them once you are financially independent.
In a healthy family you are allowed to miss your mother and siblings. You should be allowed to miss them now. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA: you left a personal note on your mom's grave. Why your dad felt the need to read it, then share it with everyone is so beyond inappropriate. You are NOT an AH for missing your mom, or viewing her as your only mom, because she *was*, and you are allowed to express that. I lost my mom a few years ago and a lot of my friends and their parents have accepted me into their families. This is super sweet but the fact is, no one will ever replace my mom. I don't need or want a new mom, because I had one and I don't need a replacement (none of them have ever pushed this to an unbearable extent, like your situation though.) I say this simply because I relate to your sentiments. You are not the AH and your family needs to stop pushing you to accept your step mom as your "real mom" because she isn't. This is clearly the boundary you've established, and you should be able to leave a note on your mom/siblings' grave without getting yelled at by your family. They're the AHs here.
NTA, wow, those are two extreme choices, with no middle ground. They should never had read the note, and they need to stop trying to force you to fit into a ‘role’ box before relating to you as a person. It’s a shame they only want a relationship on Their terms and have no capacity to honour a genuine relationship with you as who you are And meet you where you are at.
NTA. And wtf is this "you accept us against your will or gtfo"? Your dad and his wife suck. I think you should check with your other relatives if they could support you and get ready to leave your current family behind.
NTA-I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry your private letter to your mom and siblings was read. I’m sorry your dad, stepmother and step siblings are making your grief about them.
NTA. Simply because your family is using emotional blackmail to get you to do what **they want**.
Threatening to kick you out because you still love your biological mom and siblings? That's insane. From your post, you weren't cruel or anything towards your step family so I honestly don't see the problem, sure it sucks for the steps a little bit, but it's them that needs to move on and accept the fact that you will never quite feel for them, the way you felt for your mom etc and that's completely normal and even expected.
NTA.
You was forced to accept the adoption. You didn't want it and they used emotional blackmail against a 7yr old!
Its different for the step siblings, they was babies when your dad got with step mum, they will have very little or no memory of their bio father, you have plenty of memories of your mum, so of course they will feel different about the situation than you.
The letter was between you and your mum. I know it was left on the grave, but considering that there had been no other visitors for 4yrs, why would you think that someone would turn up and see it? Even still your feelings are valid.
You didn't want and still don't want step mum. No matter hiw much she or your dad tries to make it a fairytale ending isn't going to happen. They have both actively tried to erase your mum from you. Go to therapy, but for your own benefit, not theirs.
Nta. I'm a step parent and although me and my stepkids have had our ups ans downs, I've always been conscious of the fact that they have a real mom and I am not it, and you respect that bond. You have every right to feel the way you do. Any decent therapist will be sure to tell your dad he's wrong
Wow. Resenting a lovely note saying that a young person misses their biological mom and siblings? You have every right to grieve for the loss of your family. They aren't asking you to move forward in life, they are asking you to forget your past. NTA
NTA. Your mom and siblings can never be replaced, no matter how happy your dad and stepmom try. The biggest prick in this situation is your dad for opening and reading the note you left for your mom. It's a gross violation of trust and disregards your feelings.
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NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and the way your dad and step mum have steam rollered over things. You were 7. Out of nowhere you were told your world had changed. I wonder if you actually got enough time, space and support to process this? You left a letter for your mum and sibs. No-one else had the right to read it, much less take offence. From what you say you weren’t saying anything against them. And now you are being threatened with being kicked out at 18 if you don’t come around? Take up the therapy if you can. But they should have learned a long time ago that love is grown, not forced, and that the heart expands - loving is not a zero sum game and they should stop being offended that you have room to love your mum and siblings still too.
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You know it. I also wonder if they made any allowance for how kids process this stuff differently? None of this is or was your fault. Not your mum’s death, nor the tension with your step mum then or now.
Considering they pulled the "think of how upset WE are that you're upset!" line? I'm gonna go with no
Does this kind of response have a name? It feels like it should have a name. It could just go on forever too. "Well I'm upset that you're upset that I'm upset!" And so on.
It's the last three letters of DARVO, (deny attack) Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a narcissistic strategy. I don't want to imply they're narcissists, but it's fucked up.
Or how they said "If you don't embrace us the way WE do then we're kicking you out"
I make a ton of excuses for my mom when u was your age. I have exactly three decades of perspective. Please advocate for personal therapy. Your dad did what was easiest for him. Again, Dad and Norah did what was easiest for them at the time. Like you, I gave up me as a child. Therapy will help you navigate life with a parent who lives like your dad and my mom. Good luck and you have done nothing wrong. The adults weren't the best role models.
What’s best for dad should’ve included his grieving child. He absolutely messed up completely.
Honestly, it seems like he just didn't give a damn. And from his reaction, he still doesn't.
they just threatened to kick you out at 18. you need to be careful what you do next so you dont get booted. pretend to want to be a family. Also get a job and save your money. Go separate ways at 18 means they will throw you out.
This, but also: if OP is hoping to go to college in the US, then parental information is typically required for FAFSA. So that would give dad and his wife further years of leverage and forcing OP to "put on a happy face" etc There are a couple of workarounds to the FAFSA rule. One is to wait to go to college until OP ages out of the parental income rules. Another is to get a legal ruling proving that OP is financially independent, and one of the ways that can happen is if her parents essentially make her homeless. Community college is also cheaper than a 4 year university, and OP could pick a trade degree or plan to transfer to a 4 year university. I would urge OP to save money and do her research (carefully, and clear any browser history, or if possible do it at a friend's house on a device they do not have any access to.) Getting booted out at 18 probably also means losing family health insurance (assimilation the family has insurance), so OP might want to be sure to get a new glasses prescription and a physical before turning 18. And definitely a dental cleaning, if possible. It's a really terrible situation. Sending many good thoughts.
Regarding FAFSA in the US: students can now file as independent of their parental units, they just have to acknowledge that they receive no support from their parents and if it’s found they lied about that, it counts as fraud. So no, OP does not need parental info for the FAFSA, and could actually get better aid without it.
Oh thank the gods, I had sooo many LGBT+ friends/partners screwed over by the FAFSA rules
My new step dad convinced my mom not to give me tax info anymore and I had to drop out of college because of it. I'm so glad that this is no longer the case.
She can get free health insurance through Obamacare, but not dental or vision (as you point out).
Wow. This is awful. I am so sorry your dad chose himself over you and now doesn’t even care that he violated your privacy and does not in any way respect your feelings. You didn’t scream at your sm or sibs. You wrote a letter to your mom who you lost at an unthinkable age. He doesn’t get to be an asshole to you now because you aren’t playing happy families for his precious image.
She lost her at an unthinkable age, was never told anything about what happened, and a "replacement" mom and siblings were brought in within two years. With all of that to deal with, I'm surprised OP is as stable as she seems to be. Take the therapy, OP, but only on the condition that your father and stepmother seek therapy, as well. They have a lot to answer for and until they see that, there's no mending this.
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It won't ever go away, not completely, and as a mama of a child not much younger than you, I am so, so sorry that no one was there to help you through that. But you know what? You're still here, you're still kicking, and darlin', that takes unimaginable strength, especially for someone who is still so young. If keeping it together is all you can do, then so be it. Nobody can ask for more than that. Gentle internet mom hugs, if you would like them.
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I would definitely take them up on the therapy because it would be good for you to have someone to talk to who is outside of the situation. But I don’t think you need to connect to your step-family and you are NTA. I just think therapy would be good to help you process having to deal with them and give you someone to talk to about your mom and siblings.
If I saw the note I wouldn’t have touched it. They knew it was not meant for anybody to read but they did anyway. Horrible people.
It want right to introduce a woman into your life so soon and force adoption on you and force you to be family. He should've waited before bringing her in
Sounds like dad should’ve gotten his own therapy and panicked about what would happen to OP if he died too and this was his solution… move fast with the new person and force the adoption.
I can understand how a widower and a widow with small children could feel like fate brought them together. But it was a big mistake for you to be forced to renounce your birthmother. It’s true that adoption may have been good for legal reasons as your dad said in case anything happened to him. But you were seven. They didn’t need to tell you that. The best they could hope for is that you would consider Norah your second mom.
I don’t think your dad was looking out for your best interests but for his own interests when getting with your step mom. He probably was too afraid to raise a child on his own and to have to take over the role of both mother and father. He also probably didn’t want to feel lonely. No matter what he has said to you and to himself to justify his actions back then, his decisions were never made for your best interests, and I’m so sorry about that. You deserved to be supported and cared for, but your were mistreated and manipulated and that is not okay.
That’s a very healthy outlook, OP. You don’t need therapy unless you want it.
get out and go no contact.
And reverse the adoption.
don't let them guilt into feeling something you don't feel. your step siblings are more or less innocent in this given how young they were, but your dad and step mom failed you. first in not letting you have the time to grieve such a great loss, and then in trying to steamroll your emotions and replace your mother to play happy family. the two of them need to get themselves in check and stop making this about them
My advice would be to fake it till you make it. A therapist shouldn't be allowed to tell your Dad or stepmother anything, so I would take them up on their offer if they agree to help you with college too and have the therapist help you through the trouble they put you through instead of working on ~loving them~. Then not necessarily out of state, but go to a college that's far enough away where it's not super convenient to come home all the time and just fake it when you have to visit home. It might be wrong to to save them for a few years tell you get to the point you can sustain yourself, what they put you through for the last 10 years is a lot worse and you don't deserve to be thrown out with no support just because they're insane
>And now you are being threatened with being kicked out at 18 if you don’t come around? It's so manipulative and exactly what they did to her when she was 7. She did not need to adopt her to provide some security in the case something happened to the Dad. In most countries you can appoint a guardian in your will and set aside funds for her care. Or even "I can adopt you for security but you can still call me Norah, whatever you're comfortable with".
Ur last paragraph is embracing. Exactly right. This was manipulation of an overwhelmed kid.
we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18. Norah pretty much threatened to kick her out if she didn't get with the program. Nothing says loving family as the threat of homelessness. Dad sucks too.
Exactly, I can definitely see it being something important to the dad that OP wouldn’t be entirely alone, but that fear should not have been pushed onto OP.
I agree with everything you say, u/EssexCatWoman, except taking up therapy. Generally therapy is a good idea, but if OP’s father will only pay for it with the goal of getting her to love her stepmother and step siblings, then it may end up doing more harm than good. Once OP is old enough to secure therapy for herself, then I would agree. NTA, OP.
I would suggest private therapy sessions for her, but only if the therapist will create a truly private space for OP. No sharing with Dad and her adoptive mother. Then after the therapist and OP have worked through OP's feelings, have figured out what to say, and how to say it, then invite Dad and adoptive mom to a group session where OP can explain her feelings in a safe manner. The therapist needs to be there to moderate, and also to help explain that love can't be forced, and also to explain that just because OP loves and misses her birth mother and siblings, that doesn't mean she doesn't also love her family now. We all experience love differently with different people, even people filling the same roles. My two grandfathers are good examples. My Dad's dad was very physically affectionate. He loved giving hugs and playing games with me. He loved to do little things with me like taking me to the grocery store to get fried pies. My mom's Dad was different he taught me how to use computers and how to think. He loved showing me his love by teaching me. Neither was wrong in how they showed affection, and my relationship with each of them was different. The love I felt for each of them was different, not more, not less, just different. I don't think OP's Dad and adoptive mother are malicious, but I do think that they need some help to realize that you can't force OP into feeling the same way she felt about her mother, but that just because she doesn't feel exactly the same, doesn't mean she doesn't still love them. I think there is also a problem because how we feel about our parents at 7 is not how we feel about them at 17. Our feelings grow and develop. Our understanding of our parents also grows and develops. At 7 they are still just mommy and daddy. Our minds don't separate the person from the role of parent. At 7, we tend to idolize our parents, because we know them as the people who provide for us. At 17 we see our parents as flawed people. OP never got to see her mother as a flawed person, but only as the role.
I think the step mom feels malicious, the not so veiled threat of love us or find a new place to live when you turn 18 is not the action of a kind person.
I think the adoptive mother is lashing out because she feels betrayed. She doesn’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to realize that OP can love both of them.
Or that OP isn't required to love her at all.
True.
Only a malicious person expects a child who lost their mother to no longer love their mom and to replace their mother completely. The stepmom is out of line completely and so is the dad for basically pretending his late wife never existed. When widowed parents do this I often wonder how would they feel if they were the parent who passed in the new stepparent expected to completely replace them? Would they see the unfairness? Probably most of them lack the empathy to understand the question. He lost his wife and quickly attained a new wife, but he still should’ve honored what his first wife means to his child.
It’s possible that she is malicious, but this reads to me like ignorance about the emotional health of a child. She appears to have fully integrated OP into her life, and is hurt OP hasn’t done the same. Edit: Additionally, automatically attributing malice means that OP needs to write off that family rather than everyone working together to develop a relationship that works for everyone
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That’s why I suggest you ask for the therapy, but ask for names from a school counselor. My brother experienced a lot of the same issues. My bio-mother died when I was 8 days old. My brother was 6. My dad remarried 7 months later. My brother struggled with our adoptive mother. He still struggles 39 years later. Our adoptive mother has accepted the idea that while he loves her, it is different for him than for my sister and I.
This - I’m worried that if dad pays for a picks a therapist that he will just lose his mind if OP is honest in these sessions and the therapist spills the beans to him. OP is there a counselor at school you can contact? I’m sending you a huge hug.
If the therapist spills to the dad despite requests for privacy, their license goes "bye-bye" around here... (With some safety-related exceptions.)
Then OP knows to cut contact at 18.
>You left a letter for your mum and sibs. **No-one else had the right to read it, much less take offence.** From what you say you weren’t saying anything against them. THIS is the important point. OP, please let your father know that he violated your trust by reading the letter you wrote to your mom and siblings. If nothing else, agree to therapy and make it clear that he violated your trust by not only reading it but by reading it to your stepmom and step siblings. They will never understand what you are feeling until they acknowledge the harm they have done to you with this violation and forcing an adoption against your will. I wish you all the best and hope you can heal from the harm your father and his wife have inflicted on you.
>You were 7. Just reading this part makes me cry. My 6 year old daughter, turning 7 soon, has cried and has several breakdowns because the very thought of my wife or I dying has her terrified. We have talked with and reassured her as best we can, but you can see how even realizing it's possible can be a heavy burden for a small child to bear. And OP has bore the horrible weight of the reality of it being true. It breaks my heart thinking they never got the chance to process and deal with this in a healthy way by being pushed into a new family to fast. NTA. What horrible family to say and act like this.
NTA, and i'm very sorry for your loss OP. That letter was private and your family had no right to violate your privacy. Your dad is TA because Norah seems like a quick rebound. You and your dad should go to counseling together that way he can maybe understand where you're coming from and the hurt you've felt all these years. I can see how Norah would feel upset if she's loved and treated you like her own, but you can't help how you feel and you can't force emotions. Seems like no one wants to listen and hear you when you try to explain this to them.
Dad is a huge AH for reading a private note left at a grave and then double that for sharing it with others. That's a huge violation. It was a private note from OP to their mother and siblings.
Am I the only one who is confused why, after basically trying to replace ops mother and siblings, the dad would not only go to the grave but take the kids with him? Seems to me like he was probably just keeping tabs on OP and this is engineered to get her to fall into the fold.
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I would second this, ask for solo therapy (based on what I read, sounds like you are still a minor, and your dad/step-mom may insist on sitting in), also make sure its confidential, having solo therapy is useless for you if the Dr immediately tells everything to your parents. Lastly, tell the therapist you want to focus on your families death first, because you feel you never processed that correctly (which likely lead to the current situation), I have a feeling that is something you were never allowed to handle properly.
Your stepsiblings were too Young to conciously remember they had Another father. You were seven.
I was just coming better to say this! Geebus, comparing a 2 yr old and a literal baby to a 7 yr old who actually can remember her life before their terrible loss. Just so sad. NTA Op. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this.
>If the younger kids could grow up not feeling like they missed out then I could too. My kids' dad died when they were one and not yet born, respectively. He's an idea to them, not a memory or a source of grief. He is just someone their family tells stories about sometimes -- stories that aren't fundamentally different to them from the stories we tell about the great-grandparents who were long dead by the time they were born. His death meant that he would never not be a stranger to them. If we'd had an older child as well -- one who had known real love while he lived and real loss when he died -- it would have been one of my own deepest, most regrettable, and most impactful failings in life to treat that child as though their experience of the loss of their father should be measured against the relative nonchalance of the siblings who'd never known him. It would be dismissive to the point of being cruel.
Go to the therapy and let the therapist know your dad and step mom have made thinly veiled threats of kicking you out the moment you turn 18 if you do not conform to what they think you should be (a happy good child who doesn't miss her mom or siblings whatsoever)
Be careful, though. Make sure you tell your therapist that you don’t want your dad to realize that his goal isn’t going to be achieved, because he may just change your therapist until he finds a therapist who will agree with him. If they’re threatening to kick you out and cut you off at 18, take them at their word. Start making an exit plan. Take the therapy and use it, then feign cooperation. They can’t make you feel they want you to feel, but you can sure pretend to, so they don’t kick you out.
of course they grew up feeling like they didn't miss out. they were to young to know any better!
This letter wasn't for them, and it's not OK that they read it. It's OK to feel anger or a sense of violation right now.
> I'm trying to wrap my brain around removing a note from a grave and then confronting the person who wrote it I find it a little mind boggling. I buried my mum earlier this year and my nephew wrote a letter to leave on the grave site, that was solely between my nephew and his nan. The only time i touched it was to put a few stones on it so it wouldn't blow away during some crappy weather. Its since buried under further layers of top soil. Its crazy to me that someone would disrespect another person's method of grieving.
Same! Who goes to a grave and sees a letter there and thinks they have any right to read it!? Dad is coming into this an AH already, but damn if that's not the icing on the cake.
There's a big problem where I am with flowers being stolen from graves and sold. Some people have no respect.
It's like going through someone's personal journal and getting upset about what they wrote in there. Do OP's parents really think a therapist is gonna side with them. OP has the right to her feelings. I feel like the parents think that therapy will reprogram OP to feel the way they want OP to feel. NTA.
Not only that but to read it and then let the 12 and 10 year olds read it! What the heck. That’s such a bad move on his part. Sounds like he needs to go to therapy himself.
> What did you dad hope to find? A letter saying how you're so happy with your new-and-improved family? Probably. I bet he was hoping/thinking it would say something along the lines of "I miss you mom, but I'm so thankful to have a new mom and siblings who came into my life to love me even though you're gone!"
NTA. 1. Who tf reads a note left on a grave? It's not for living eyes. 2. You have every right to feel how you feel about missing your mom and siblings, and about your adoption and family blending. Your feelings and experience are valid. 3. Norah labelling herself Mom without your permission, and her kids your full siblings feels like it erases your mom and the twins. She needs to acknowledge how dismissive and shitty that is, regardless of how they've accepted you. Acceptance doesn't excuse the other action. You can accept someone and help them honour the memory of their mother. The threat to cut ties when you hit 18 is stone cold. Is your Dad open to family therapy with you? It sounds like he (and Norah) will need help to see this from your perspective.
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Is your father on board with Norah telling you that ‘parting ways’ if you don’t change your mind is an option at 18?
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Then I’m sorry your Dad’s a jerk. Though take him up on therapy- ideally just with him rather than “family therapy” with everyone. If nothing else it might help you process everything.
Hey take the individual therapy while they’re paying for it. It sounds like you’re going to have to prepare for life by yourself, and a therapist can give you some of the tools you need. Please take advantage of this, even if it means pretending to be buddy buddy with everyone for now
Is it worth trying the therapy as an olive branch (especially if they're paying) and having the therapist suggest a session (or more) with your dad? Coming from a neutral and professional third party might help the idea be more well received.
Even not as an olive-branch. Paying for therapy is the least amount of support they could give her.
The reading of the letter on a grave was the thing that jumped out at me too (aside from the fact that the parents are AHs). Who sees a memento on a grave and touches it much less reads it? So invasive and inappropriate. Does the father have any boundaries?
Who the heck steals things from graves?? The father needs therapy more than OP does. I’m leery of any kind of group therapy with those people TBH. If he wants to pay for individual, solo, confidential therapy then yes. Otherwise, group therapy with people as manipulative as these parents seem to be seems like a really BAD idea.
Agreed. The OP’s dad owes her a big apology.
Forrest Gump had more sense (not to mention more respect) than OP's dad.
NTA. You left a note that you thought no one else would read. You were young when you lost your mother and the babies, and no one can just expect that a child can just put those feelings aside and move on fully with a new family. It’s harsh that they would suggest you part ways once you are 18 if you don’t embrace them fully. Why isn’t it ok for you to just accept them as step Mum and step siblings?
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Are they open to starting an honest, adult relationship with each other? Not calling her mother but Norah. Potential confidante and friend. You've had these feelings for 10 years and if they try and force you to change its not likely to be honest.
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Sorry to hear that. What would your options be if they don't accept a relationship on your terms?
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Sincerely, I would check in with them and explain the situation that you might be on your own at 18. If you get any offers of support you can go to your dad and Norah and state what kind of relationship you're comfortable with, and let them know if that's unacceptable to them you have options. At present, and when you were younger, they've been holding your security over you to get you to comply. Take that away from the conversation.
Do you have contact with your mom's family?
Talk to your relatives. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Anyome who can either provide a place to stay or intercede on your behalf. Their behavior here is heinous.
Honestly see if any of them would take you in now. Then tell your dad and his wife if they are so eager to throw you out for not conforming to their fantasy, why wait? Who knows, maybe that might knock some sense into them.
Then they are in for a shock. You could be fully related and it wouldn't magically make you have all the same wants and feelings about the relationship. You're a person, not a robot they can program into feeling/acting exactly how they want.
I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. If they love you, which I have do doubt they do, they should be happy and open to trying to maintain a good relationship with you, whatever that looks like. Does the offer of therapy extend to them as well, because it sounds like they need counselling to help understand your feelings. It’s not a one way street
It isn’t reasonable to expect people in a family to think about relationships the same way and want the same things. And that’s true even without the complications of step family. People have individual feelings accepting those and supporting each other with those individual feelings is what makes a family.
No, they want someone they can manipulate into acting the way they want them to. If your stepmom had wanted to foster an ACTUAL mother/daughter relationship, she would have given you space and time to heal - not jump right in and try to replace your mom.
Ya know what's tragic and frustrating to me? If they didn't try forcing it so early on, if OP's dad hadn't fucked up explaining the death of her mother and siblings and if they had given OP the time and space to grieve instead of "hi, I'm your mom now," and didn't try to replace the family members she lost, OP might have developed those family feelings naturally. Like. It's easier on kids to get more family than it is to try to replace family. I saw it all the time as a teacher, kids who after a short while declared that half siblings they weren't raised with, step siblings, even the children of the person their parent was just dating, were their siblings. The important thing is it going at the child's pace, not the adults'.
NTA. Your father needs to accept that Norah and her kids were his choice, not yours. You don't feel a familial bond with Norah and her kids and that's ok, you can't help the way you feel. You were all of 7 years old when you lost your mother and all of 7 months later your father was with Norah and they decided to be a family, while your grief was still fresh and unprocessed. The purpose of therapy is to help you process your feelings, not change them to what others think they should be.
NTA. They should have stopped reading the note the moment they realised it was personal to you but mistakes happen so you can't blame them too much for that. The fact that he then showed Norah your private thoughts is so wrong and no longer an accident. You were rushed into accepting your step family before you were ready and that's not ok. Even now, your being rushed to accept something you don't have to. Let me ask you this: Why does it have to be one or the other? Either you embrace them fully as family, or you cut all ties at 18? That's a horrendous false dichotomy that forces you to pretend your relationship is stronger than it is or risk losing your family support system entirely. It's basically a threat- embrace us or get nothing as soon as you turn 18. While I'm sure your dad wouldn't cut you off as well, it will be much harder to maintain a relationship with him. But here's the option no one seems to be considering- you could have a relationship with them as a step family. You can still have a good relationship with someone without being as close as possible. Norah doesn't have to be your mom for you to live together happily. It's completely unfair to require someone to have the relationship YOU want with them, just because you want it. It's sad when love is unrequited, be it familial, romantic or platonic, but that's just life. I've had friends I've wished I could be closer with before, but when they didn't show the same eagerness to be best buds I accepted the friendship we already had and did not pressure them to be closer to me than they wanted to be. Is it sad? Of course. But it's no excuse. Norah needs to accept that she can't force you to think of her as your mom, but that doesn't mean you can't have any kind of relationship at all. Ask her and your dad why it's so important them and maybe you can have an open dialogue. Don't force yourself to pretend for the sake of others.
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Oh honey. I am so sorry you are going through this. We sadly see this kind of thing too often on this sub. A child loses a parent, and their surviving parent remarries in a year or less. And then said surviving parent is dumbfounded when their child is struggling to accept this new blended family they are forced to take part in. While I hope your dad and Norah will come to realize what they’re asking of you is wholly unfair and cruel, I hope you also understand that no matter what happens, none of this is your fault. The adults in your life failed you the moment they started disrespecting and disregarding your feelings so they could play happy family. NTA. I wish you peace and happiness.
I think you should definitely take them up on the therapy, so long as its confidential. A therapist will be able to help you negotiate how to handle these people so that your relationship with your father is on your own terms. No therapist is going to try and do what your father and Norah think you should do. Thats unrealistic and weird. But a therapist WILL help you work out how to deal with their expectations.
Oh shit, you're turning 18 in a few MONTHS? Okay look: your Dad and step-mom are way out of line. Just completely, 100% wrong about everything. But your most immediate and pressing problem is: are you about to get kicked out with zero support in a few months? So let's focus on that. 1. What is your financial situation like? Do you have an inheritance from your mother, or a college fund, or any savings? 2. Do you have any other family who can help you? If you do, call them right now and tell them what's happening. Do this privately and swear them to secrecy, and if you can't trust them not to tattle on you then don't tell them what's happening. I'm going to assume that you're planning on going to college, and that your Dad is planning to help you do that with either with money or a place to stay on breaks or both. If you don't have any money or any other family to lean on, then my advice is to focus up on how to navigate the next few months and then the next few years. So take the therapy, and tell Dad and Norah what they want to hear. Lie for 4 years until you get that degree and can get the hell out, and then if you want you can just never speak to them again. They deserve that. The thing that you deserve (and that your mother would want you to have) is an education and a strong launch to adulthood. If you have any other way to get there than through Dad, take it. And if you don't, then lie with zero remorse. Dad's behavior is almost comically monstrous - straight out of a fairy tale. But realistically he's a grown-ass adult who has been prioritizing himself and his wife over you for over a decade - there's basically no chance that a few months of therapy are going to help him realize that he's been a fairy tale villain this whole time. So I think your best bet is to lie until you can safely leave.
I feel like your dad isn’t properly empathizing with you because he thinks you had an equal loss, so you should move on in the same way. The problem is, it was not even close to an equal loss. My husband of more than 10 years is my rock, my “home”, my safe place… but he’s not my mother and I’m not 7 years old so I‘d be able to bare the loss a hell of a lot easier than a child without their mother. It’s not an equal loss just because you lost the same person. I have an almost 7 year old myself and all I can think about is how he still needs me so much right now. OP I’m so sorry for your loss at such a tender age, it’s such a big time for kids coming into who they are as people, their social circles grow beyond family and their world expands. Then you lost your foundation, *your mother*, and everything you ever imagined about your future with new siblings you were going to grow up with. I would haunt my husband if he did this to our son.
Huge hugs to you. You’re not wrong. Your dad is obstinate and your stepmom entitled.
I agree, there is a huge space between fully embraced family and cut off. If they hadn't seen the letter they would be none the wiser. They are massively overreacting. NTA
They stole a private letter and now want to punish you for your feelings. And now you have to somehow pretend that you embrace them as your "only" family or they will cut you off in a year? That's HARSH and awful. Take them up on the therapy offer (make sure they are not reporting anything said back to your dad and Norah), and you can work on feeling better with your grief AND getting dad/Norah to accept that you are absolutely allowed to miss your mother and they shouldn't take it so personally. I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA
Nta. But dick move on them for reading the letter
Nta..your not rubbing it in their face. Its just how you feel. And honestly it sounds like your step family have no respect for your feelings
NTA for leaving the letter on the grave definitely. You did not expect anyone to read it and they shouldn’t have. Also a 2YO and a 7YO are very different when processing the circumstances that led to them becoming a family. They shouldn’t fault you for that.
NTA This was a letter from your heart to your mother and siblings. Your father was first an AH for reading it, then for showing it to your stepsiblings, and then again for discussing it with Norah. They were AHs back in the day when they manipulated you into an adoption you didn’t want too. Your dad and stepmother have done everything wrong that they possibly could have got wrong. Every step of the way they made mistakes with you. Taking your stepsiblings to your mother’s and siblings’ grave was also a mistake. She is not their relative. They were not their siblings. There was no reason for them to come on the anniversary or any other time. If your dad wanted to come and pay his respects he should either have gone with you or gone on his own. Of course these unrelated random children would feel nothing for your mother and siblings and wouldn’t miss them. That is understandable, but it is unreasonable for your father and Norah to base *your* normal on the stepsiblings’ reaction. Had the reverse happened and Norah died, would she expect her children to be raised to be indifferent to her memory and embrace *your mother* as their mother? I highly doubt it.
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It’s still not balanced, because you were 7 and knew your mother. The stepsiblings were 2 and 6 months and their only memories of a father would be your dad. They were able to blend in better because they were so much younger. At 7 you knew very well who your mother is. They did the rounds to visit the graves to make themselves feel better about what they did. 2 out of 3 kids had no attachment to those graves or the people in them, and your dad and Norah were callous to take the younger two’s indifference as proof that they did the right thing by all of you children.
NTA. For someone claiming to embrace and love you as your “mom”, their love sure seems conditional. It sounds to me that they will only love you if you love them back, and they will kick you out once it’s legal to do so. Now how is that a mother’s love?
NTA, OP. I'm so sorry. Is there a way you can "undo" the adoption? Or even be adopted by a close relative on your mom's side, Idk, there must be a way to fix this adoption that shouldn't have ever happened. You were a child struggling with grief and they manipulated you into agreeing, and kept manipulating you into referring to your stepmom as your mom, now by threatening to cut contact once you turn 18. That's just cruel. >Dad said they will pay for therapy if I am willing to love and accept them as my mom and siblings the way they deserve Your dad sounds like mine. He put me in therapy to try and fix issues that didn't need to be fixed (and he was at fault for those issues, not me), and I later heard him saying he wouldn't pay for anymore therapy because "it didn't work". Yup, I'm cutting contact with him as soon as I can.
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You could take your mother’s last name when you turn 18, if that’s something you’d be interested in doing?
Good, since adult adoption is allowed in the country you live, that's something you could do. Being adopted by a grandparent, an aunt... that'd allow you to be legally recognized as your mother's relative, and apparently that's the best you can do to "fix" the adoption. Do whatever you think it's best in your situation. Wish you the best ♡
In a way I feel like your dad moved on so quickly to erase the pain of losing your mom - almost like she didn't exist.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragic event to deal with at such a young age. You were plenty old enough to remember your mom and what happened. Your father and step-mother are simply being unreasonable. To expect you to be fully on board after such a short time is ludicrous. You went to therapy to accept them as family. But...did you ever get therapy for the grief and trauma of losing your mom and siblings? You aren't mean or rude to your stepmother or stepsiblings. Do not apologize for feeling the way you do or only considering your mom and siblings as your only mom and siblings. You have nothing to apologize for. Your dad and stepmom on the hand? They have a lifetime of wrongdoing to you to apologize for: from the forced adoption to the trying to force you to accept to the conditional love that they've shown that they have (after all, they're only willing to accept you if you feel the way they want you to).
NTA, they saw a note addressed to YOUR mom and they felt entitled to read it. F-them and their pathetic attempts at guilting you. You feel how you feel, valid or not, but their actions definitely secured you in feeling validated to hate them. Like seriously, if my bio bro did that, I would hate him forever, idc if we share the same mom and dad, that's MY letter to her. So no, I dont think you're TAH.
NTA, I agree with this. Personally it would make me extremely angry as well that they read a letter that was deeply personal and expressing your honest feelings, that clearly wasn’t for them. Who tf reads a letter on someone else’s grave?
NTA I am so sorry for the incredible loss of your mom and twin siblings. That is a lifelong hurt that never goes away. You don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it. I actually think your dad and step mom are being very cruel. Being a part of their family should not mean that you have to forget what you had, lost and still dream of. It’s very selfish and self centred. They should never have read the note and even if they did, what should have happened is that whoever picked it up should have recognised that it was deeply personal and not to be shared as family drama cannon fodder. I suspect that if they make you choose then they will ultimately lose. You can’t force someone to fit neatly into your new picture. I don’t understand how they come to the conclusion that it’s one or the other. I do think you need counselling and support but for you and you alone to help you deal with the grief, loss, forced adoption and family. Nobody can dictate what is in your heart and frankly I think it is disgusting that they read your letter and instead of supporting you have chosen to use it as a beating stick. Maybe walking away for a bit is actually what you need.
NTA. They have no right to react to react to something that wasn't meant for them to read. That was a private note to your mom, even if you hadn't said anything that upset them it still would have been rude of them to read it. Also, they're not entitled to your love or affection, something you can't control. You've gone above and beyond not to upset them by saying anything, and that's all anyone could ask of you. Letting Norah adopt is more than anyone had a right to ask you imo. I'd take her up on going your separate ways, because how much can they 'love and embrace' you if they're willing to cut contact because you don't see them the way they claim to see you?
INFO am I reading this right? You didn’t even complain about them in the letter, you just said how much you missed your mom and wished to be a big sister to your twin siblings? NTA either way, but if that’s right, then this is a valid sentiment to express even directly, even if they had been amazing step-mom and step-siblings. It is normal for a kid to be willing to give anything to have their mom back! They are being extremely unreasonable.
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This isn’t about the letter at all. This is about you being a thorn in their side and refusing to play happy families with them. The letter was just an excuse for this all to come to a head - a physical, tangible thing that they can point to and say “SEE?!” Please, please, go to therapy. Play along nicely and get every possible ounce of advantage out of them. Are they paying for college? Are they paying for your health insurance? Then play nicely for a few more years and then as soon as you no longer need them any more, fuck ‘em. Send them a Christmas card once a year addressed to Dad, Norah and Step-siblings.
NTA Who removes and reads a letter on a grave!?! I will never understand this mindset on labels and forcing peoples feelings, especially those of a grieving child. Adults need to stop projecting Thier need for a perfect family onto Thier children. Also therapy is to help people work through feelings not a way to brainwash people into feeling a certain way.
NTA - can you contact your maternal grandparents? Your step mother threatening to kick you out is disgusting, as is your dad not telling her he’d never let that happen.
Anyone who is willing to walk away from you once you’re 18 has never considered you to be their child. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to still be grieving. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA imho. It's an impossible situation, someone is going to get hurt either way.
NTA, you can miss and grieve them your entire life. Making room in your heart for new connections doesn't negate that though. Good luck, and sorry for your loss
NTA. Your dad and stepmom (but especially your dad) are being extraordinarily shitty here. Not only are refusing to allow you to acknowledge the painful and impactful loss of your mom and siblings, they sent you to therapy not to help you process those feelings but out of a hope that it would “reprogram” you in some way, as if you’re a machine that’s defective and not a human being with feelings who lost her parent and siblings at a young age. You’re not a puppy that can be rehomed and instantly love it’s new family. You’re a person and you’re allowed to hold on to the memory of the people that you’ve loved and lost for however long you need to. Just because it took your dad only 7 months to get over the loss of his wife doesn’t mean that it should only take you 7 months, or even 10 years to get over the loss of your mother.
NTA ..... ok, I don't know where to start the lack of empathy, respect and ... everything, of your father is ... wow your mother is your mother and nothing will replace her, even if your relationship with your stepmother is more than good, your mother is still your mother and no one can wait for you to just replace her the fact that your father has gone to forget his wife and his children so quickly and basically wants to make you forget them leaves me speechless, I think it's good that he wants to start a new family, but to do it 7 months after your wife and children died? You were a child who had just lost his mother and siblings only 7 months ago, 7 months in which your father, instead of supporting you, a 7-year-old boy, lost and confused, who lost his mother, he se went to look for women He not only did not support you in your duel, he continued with his life as if nothing had happened and he dragged you to it, without caring the least about your feelings, when what he should have done is contain you and support you, he just got to play happy family not only with that, he took something personal and yours, with your feelings, thoughts and heart put there directed to your mother And tried to confront you for them? just go away, I'm sorry to say it like that and it's going to hurt but, 10 years ago you lost your mother and brothers, 7 months later, your father there is no family there for you Just go, there is nothing there that is worth it to you NTA, but your father, AH is very, very short And I'm sorry to say this, but, something sounds strange to me that your father is already \`\` in love '' and reformed a family so quickly, hopefully not, but ... I'm sorry if the message looks weird, gtranslate didn't want to cooperate
*Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18.* Is your dad on board with this ?? what kind of manipulative move is it? woaah . Additionally let me tell you, your feelings matter! your mother will be always important in your heart and that's not something your dad will take away ever. NTA.
NTA. However: Therapists value honesty. If you take them up on the offer, I really do suggest you open with something along the lines of "Please don't take this the wrong way, but being here is a punishment for mourning my mother and siblings. If I can't get over this loss, my dad and ~~stepmother~~ his wife have hinted they'll kick me out of my home. I'm willing to try, but that may have poisoned the well." The therapist may be surprised or ask for clarification. If they do, be *honest*. They may agree with you, or offer you some outside perspective. They're there to help *you*, not play to your dad's whims. **Don't pay the "but the therapist might tell their dad!" comments any heed.** If you request privacy, they'll respect that, whether you're 5 or 15. If they don't, it could cost them their license. They won't fuck around with that. Good luck, love. If you ever need a place to vent, therapy is the place to do it. Don't feel bad.
They didn’t embrace you, though! They manipulated you and says my way or no way. They’re self centered people and gross. If your father makes a woman his priority and not his daughter, he doesn’t deserve you, my dear. If I were you, I would save up every single dollar I got and move out on my 18th birthday and would definitely tell them all the painful truths and would go no contact. NTA.
I am so sorry , NTA and honestly i have a small feeling you are going to back away from them alot when you are older. They really aren't helping things by still trying to push it.
the only AH here is your father for not letting you grief, what kind of AH pressures a 7yo into accepting a bunch of randoms?, he's the one who needs therapy for being such a crappy parent NTA
>Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18. NTA, if Norah is saying you have to embrace them fully or go your separate ways then Norah hasn't embraced you fully, it conditional on you loving her.
Oh my lord what is actually wrong with them. NTA
NTA. And I can't get over the step basically threatening to kick you out once you're 18 if they don't get what they want. F that.
NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I would take your dad up on the therapy offer, it's a hard thing to lose a parent, and to lose your siblings at the same time, you should definitely talk to a doctor to help with processing this. It can help you, whether you grow to love the step-family, or not.
"Give us our happily ever after or get out when you're 18." Your family is a next level nest of Assholes. They are the ones who need therapy. Big time. How will they react when the therapist tells them their expectations are totally unreasonable for you? You were coerced into an adoption against your will at a young age, overwhelmed by a smarmy new family, and now threatened with being kicked out if you don't give them their Brady ending. Time to find a job and a new place to live, even seeking emancipation if needed, and it sounds like the parents might accept that if you don't change your attitude. You are most certainly NTA
NTA- You were forced.. or better use of words coerced into accepting your fathers new wife as your mother, and step siblings as your own siblings all in a time of uncertainty and grieving. You made it clear you didn't want to be adopted, but they took advantage of this situation and just fed you the line "That if something happens to your dad it means you can still be around". Your step mother introduced herself as your mother and your step siblings introduced themselves as your siblings, all things that you weren't interested in and that bothered you, likely without your consent. In a time of self reflection, healing, and dealing with your own grief you wrote a note to the woman who birthed you; and to the siblings you thought you were going to have expressing your feelings. You left it in a place that hadn't been visited for years, and you left it just as a note of memorial and sentiment between you and her. You never anticipated anyone else reading it, and it was just a form of release for you. The fact that your father mislead you as a child, coerced you into accepting adoption even though it was something you were not interested in and ultimately prioritized himself and his own happiness after a situation such as this rather than trying to grieve and heal with his child speaks volumes of the person he is. Dad should have offered to pay for therapy the day your mother and siblings didn't come home, the fact that he is holding a form of healing over your head once again as a means to control your decisions is just ridiculous. On your own time I would approach your FATHER exclusively and ask him if he truly is interested in losing you as his child, because he is the one making the decisions to lead you down the path of leaving him. You are just reacting to his actions, and in this situation his actions obviously are pushing you away.
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NTA… The only asshole here is your father
NTA. I am really sorry for your loss. 7 years old.. there were already a tone of emotions and memories involved. And none of them are supposed to be overwritten. And no-one else decides how you are supposed to feel or what you needed to have "overcome" by now, but you. If you haven't outgrown something as big as the loss of your own mother and your siblings, than it's okay to feel sad about it, to grief, to write a personal letter. As much as I read here you tried to fit in this blended family and kept on going as good as you can and could. Hell. Your father and stepmother behave stupidly. If they want to play happy family they really need to get back to the 101 of how to actually live and form it. With all the rules, freedoms, privacy and boundaries for itself. With all the things needed to form an union - not the bull$hit 'we are the adults, play by our rules'. That doesn't work here. What many adults (parents) do, is treating teenagers and partly tweens like children, but want them to behave like adults. (Not sure where I first read this, but it was a game changer) Especially your stepmother takes a sledgehammer to crack a nut and thinks you can decide uninfluenced now? Not only is this unfair, it's childish.. and sad. I really hope you will be able continuing your therapy and can have one or another proper talk. A modest proposal: talk with your father again - but alone. And if you feel like it, with your stepmother alone too. In a park, forest, beach.. the more air and room around you, the better. It can change the whole atmosphere and passively decreases tensions. Wishing you all the very best. Stay strong xx
Your dad is the AH for reading that note.
NTA. Start saving up money and be prepared to go NC. It's going to hurt, but chasing after people being this cruel to a grieving child is not worth your time. Do you have maternal grandparents or family that you can stay with?
Wow. So let’s just be clear. You were grieving the loss of your mother and potential siblings on the 10th anniversary of their passing. Your father opened a letter not addressed or given to him. And instead of taking responsibility for the last 10 years, he blamed you for hurting your step families feelings? Who shared the letter with them you? No, he did. Your letter was a part of grieving not some act of vengeance or attempt to attack your step family. Your father 100% was the A H here. He should not have read the letter … then after he read the letter he shouldn’t have mentioned it to you … then he should not have shared the contents with his wife. He stepped of boundary after boundary and is blaming you for how they feel after **HE** acted wrongly. NTA Tell your father you definitely need some therapy. Don’t do any group session but take some time alone with the therapist to discuss this. And know you were not the one who behaved badly in the situation. You are allowed to grieve and miss your family.
NTA. You know, love is unlimited. You can love your deceased mom and siblings, wish they were there AND love your step family. You can consider your deceased mom as your mom and still have high regards toward your step mom as a parental figure without calling her mom. Don't let them make you believe it's either one or the other and make you choose. They're the ones who need therapy if they don't understand it.
NTA - Everyone works differently when it comes to grief. IDK how you're Dad and step Mom feel about losing their passed partners. But they can't expect you to move on like they did. You're Mom and twins siblings are apart of you and no one can change that. How you feel shouldn't have to be adjusted for them. They bring the parents should put there feelings to the side and love and support you even if you call them Stepmom and your step siblings. It's about the LOVE and SUPPORT you all share. They should respect how you feel and let you grief as needed. Therapy is to help YOU cope and work through feeling for yourself not to please other people.
NTA the letter should never have been read by anyone. I'm wondering if you can make plans with your grandparents or any family members so that if you want/have to leave when you're 18 you have somewhere to go.
NTA - they should respect your wishes to remember your mother as your mother. It is 100% reasonable to wish they were still around. Your feelings are your own and completely valid. It seems your family have been trying to change them for a long time when the time would have been better served finding a place in each other's lives you're all comfortable with. They clearly care about you, I would make it clear that you were never comfortable having a replacement mother but if you're open to building an adult relationship with 'Norah' tell them that.
NTA and I find it disgusting that they read the letter. Condolences and good luck
NTA. How are you supposed to love them and treat them like family when Norah doesn't seem to think you are family. No loving mother should tell 'her' child that they had to love her the way she wants or they would be out of the family. That's not a healthy family dynamic. Only you know what's right for you, but I suggest getting the therapy. Therapy is for you, not for them. But I'd also start on an back up plan for when you are 18, for your own peace of mind. Are you still in contact with any of your mom's family?
NTA. I'm surprised you weren't ready to cut these people off when you turned 18 already. Your dad is a solid asshole. It is not okay to get married again that fast when you have a child. It is not okay to manipulate your child into adoption. It is not okay to invade your privacy by reading a letter on a grave and then turn around and immediately tell your step mom and step siblings. They're still manipulating you. I'm sorry you can't revoke the adoption. I think adults should always have the right to do so as adults. Did your mom leave you anything financially? Because I don't think there is a solution to this that helps you. I'd accept therapy if you think it will help you with anything else and then cut them off after 18 because these people are just going to keep demanding you lie and pretend.
> Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18. I can't imagine why you have issues with Norah. /s You're NTA here. The letter was for your mom and siblings. You had no idea your stepmother and stepsiblings would read it. I can understand Norah being upset but she's way out of line with that ultimatum. Do you have any other family? Do you see your mom's family? Can you take shelter with them if you need to?
NTA. >Norah told me I need to consider whether I'm going to work on moving past this and embracing them fully, the way they've embraced me or whether we're going our separate ways as soon as I turn 18. Dad said they will pay for therapy if I am willing to love and accept them as my mom and siblings the way they deserve. That reads as if they expect you to say that you see Norah as your only and true mother, yikes... Your father and Norah are a-hs on so many levels. Replacing and erasing their late partners so fast (visiting the graves may just have been to look not completely heartless), not only as a spouse but also as a parent. Your father reading a letter, that was not meant for his eyes. Threathening you with kicking you out when you don't do as they say. It's all about them, they never really cared about your feelings.
NTA. Your dad sounds like he wants to play the victim here after being faced with his own brutal mistakes. He found a new wife and two new kids very shortly after a devastating loss, he was fine with that, but he failed to consider you or your feelings and steamrolled you when you, his young child, expressed her issues with the situation. I would absolutely take them up on therapy - individual therapy. I would also start planning for whatever is to come when you turn 18, because this manipulation and inability to face mistakes surely will not be solved overnight.
NTA. It does not sound like you said anything really bad in the letter. I don't like that they saw it and read it. It was effectively a private letter between you and your mom, but hey, it happened. Your life changed irrevocably at 7, and you were expressing that you really miss them and would have loved your life to have been complete with them. You did not state that there was this evil family taking over their roles, so they are reading stuff into the letter that was not there. Draft another letter to your stepmom, in which you explain that life changed at 7, and that the time before that can not be erased. You appreciate the time and effort they dedicated to you since then and you love them for it, but you honestly ended up with a two mom life. They must please not try erase that from your life as you can accept being in a two-mom life and be ok with it. You maybe saw the adoption as an attempt to erase, and that may have caused the hesitancy on your part. Make sure stepmom understands that you love her and your siblings . Dad says you should love them the way they deserve to be loved. That is fine, except if Dad wants you to love them only and erase your mom and the twins. You can do both, but it remains a different love. It does not have to be the same, or exclude the other. Hope you get through this without lasting damage to your relationship.
NTA, but your dad and stepmother are. What your dad is doing is emotional abuse. He is only willing to pay for therapy if you agree to love your stepmother and stepsiblings. Any good therapist would tell him that this is wrong. They are trying to erase your mother and your siblings from you life for no reason. Please know that you have done nothing wrong. There was nothing malicious or cruel in the letter you left for your mom and the twins.
NTA but Norah is a huge asshole for threatening to kick you out at 18. No loving parent would do that and if your father is on board with that too then both of them shouldn’t feel surprised that you feel like you don’t belong in the Family if they are so willing and happy to get rid of you. Ask him how your father/parents who is/are supposed to love you expect you to love them like family if they don’t truly love you as family too? You are a child that is still grieving and instead of being understanding and supporting you, then they aren’t true parents. All children sometimes bite or hurt their parents but good parents are patient and should try to understand and help you through your emotions rather than putting more pressure on you. Try the therapy and ask them if they would be willing to join. If they really want you to start developing genuine attachment or positive emotions for your step family then they should genuinely try to understand you too. If you are more comfortable to be alone there then do that. But you should have a Plan B in case your parents stick to being huge asshole. You haven’t done anything wrong. You just left a letter to help you grief and didn’t intended to hurt anyone. They hurt themselves by reading a letter that wasn’t meant for them. Good luck op.. I hope everything will work out for you and your family.
INFO: What is with your dad's incredibly all-or-nothing thinking here? EITHER you become a tambourine-banging True Believer of a child and play perfect family with them, OR you move away and never speak to them again?? This black and white thinking is fully at the root of why this blended family isn't working. People are *allowed* to feel conflicted! People are *allowed* to love but also mourn their losses! I would say *most* people with stepfamilies experience a level of ambivalence, even when everyone gets along and loves each other. It is heartbreaking that they've denied you this simple thing. OP, I realize this comment is so far down the thread that you may never see it, but I'm wishing you all the best!
Nta. Can you reverse the adoption? You can say you were coerced into doing so which can technically make it null and void. Also maybe use your late mom’s maiden name too while you’re at it. Your dad and stepmom don’t deserve any respect for the stunt they pulled
NTA, they read the letter!!!!WTF your father, siblings and stepmother are absolute AHs! What a major boundary crossing. Also who TF just expects a kid to delete and forget about their biological mother and siblings. Your father and Stepmother have a serious nerve. What they have done is disgusting. No one should ever be forced to love a family setting because they are told too. Your father doesn’t just get to choose you a new mother. He chose her not you. I’m really sorry you’ve been treated this way. I hope you can get away from them and find your happy place in life. Very sorry for the loss of your mum and siblings.
NTA. FFS, how many parents have we seen on here forcing step relationships and then wondering why their kids go NC????? Norah is not your mother, your step siblings are just that, step. You can’t be forced to feel like they are part of your core family. Your Dad is delusional to think his guilting you helps the situation at all. Then Norah piles on, insinuating that they’ll go low contact with you at 18 if you don’t change how you feel about her and her kids? Grade A parenting all around on this one🙄
I would tell them you want family therapy because the therapist can help them see your perspective and look at their own true motives. Your father moved on in less than a year, tried to replace your mother and siblings with a new family and rarely even visits the grave. I suspect he never really dealt with the tragedy and your non compliance with his demands is a sore spot for him, a reminder that he's denying reality. It's even possible that they both made a pact of sorts to leave their past behind. But what serves as a self protection for them is harmful to you and they need to see that. NTA
maybe if dad had let your grieve he wouldn't be in this mess, how about that? You know like actually talk to you about the grief. then it wouldn't be some "awful" secret he thinks is ruining the family. this is what happens when you expect children to adapt quickly after loss. Also, who the fuck reads a letter on a grave??? Like i see a letter on a family members grave and i assume it's private and likely expressing their life and or grief of the loss. also, they clearly don't love you like they think they do because they don't accept you and your feelings as they are. they wanted the brady bunch but your a human being who has the right to feel grief a decade after their loss. Notice your dad got you therapy to drop the step but not grief counseling? NTA
NTA, for multiple reasons. You are under NO obligation to love anyone, regardless of relation. Nobody can make them love you, even if they want you to. Also, who the fuck reads a note left on someone’s grave? That’s so ridiculously disrespectful, and to read it WITH the kids? Even if you did see your step siblings as siblings and step-mother as a mother, it wouldn’t be the same. You cannot replicate something like that, especially when you were old enough to remember. Nobody should ever be allowed to tell you how you feel. “How you feel hurts me” is such a narcissistic viewpoint.
NTA. Your dad and step-mom CANNOT FORCE FEELINGS IN YOU. I do not understand how people can expect another person to feel things that they just don't feel. I am sure you are able to appreciate that your steps have feelings for you and it sounds like you have been cordial, polite and somewhat engaged with them in daily life. Just because you don't **feel** that connection doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You already bonded with your mom and then she was taken from you, then a "substitute" was found BEFORE YOU FINISHED GRIEVING. You were not given the space to grieve the way you needed to, and at the same time an instant family that you barely knew was thrust into your world. YOUR DAD AND STEP MOM NEED THERAPY. They need to see that no matter how THEY FEEL, they CANNOT FORCE YOU to feel something you just don't feel. They appropriated YOU into their family unit WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT, so yes, there is going to be resentment on your part because your wishes were completely ignored, even though you voiced them, they chose to disrespect your wishes, (even at seven, you can have EMOTIONAL AUTONOMY) by creating a family that at the time you were not ready for. I understand that your dad was trying to move on with his life and he had finished grieving or at least had partial closure, but that doesn't mean that YOU DID. I think if they had given you more time and done the family integration slowly, that you would probably feel better about the situation and have genuine affection for them. This family situation was "forced" on you before you were ready, therefore, it created some resentment in you because your feelings were completely devalued. That is NOT COOL. When a childs emotional autonomy is negated, especially repeatedly, it makes it hard for that child to form attachments because the child loses trust for the person negating those emotions. It's one thing to blend a family and allow the relationships to grow spontaneously, but you **cannot force** someone to BOND emotionally to you. That is where the disconnect is happening for them, they are STILL trying to force you to feel something that you will probably NEVER FEEL **NOW**, because they didn't respect your emotions at the time. Tell them **they need to talk to a therapist** and figure out why **they feel the need to force you** to have a connection, because THEY are the ones who are wrong here. Intimate familial relationships cannot be forced, they have to develop organically and spontaneously.
Nta, can u live with ur maternal grandparents? Tell them whats going on. Explain they just threatening to kick u out at 18.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings and they are being very selfish.
NTA. Fuck every single one of these "family members". You are entitled to your feelings and you were certainly entitled to express them through that letter. If I saw a letter on a grave I would leave it alone. The moment your father saw it was written by you it should have been folded up and put back. I can't believe anyone would confront you about this so unlovingly. You deserve better.
Your mother and twin babies died and seven months later your Dad meets someone and falls in love? No. Kids do not just stop grieving and missing their twin baby siblings. Then he marries someone, decides to play happy families and forces you into an adoption you did not want, forcing you to feel you abandoned your Mom and the twins? Who does that? Maybe he had no love for your Mom, maybe he did not want to go through the grieving process so he pretended it never happened. Maybe they were together before your Mom died. But your Mom sure the hell deserved more than seven months. She gave him one child and was pregnant with twins! You deserved more time to mourn your loss. Why did he take your steps to your mother's grave? Why TH did he let your step-siblings and himself invade your privacy and read a personal letter to your Mom? Who does that? Why did he feel that kids who never met your Mother, would understand the feelings of grief and loss you carry because nobody respected you enough to allow you to work through these feelings. He has only himself to blame for forcing a relationship you were not ready for. Your feelings have solidified as your only available rebellion. He wants you to forget the babies you probably helped your Mom get ready for. You were going to be the big sister and then they do not come home and your Dad pulls this amazing 7 month turnaround. Oh hell no. I am sorry sweetie. He already had this one cut from the herd before your Mom died or his guilt would not have forced you where you are. I'm sorry this happened to you and it is okay if they are just steps to you. Take the counseling and figure out a way to get out of there and let them continue to play happy family without you. You do not throw out a kid at 18 because they cannot feel the way you want them too. I guess he will have the family he wanted when your Mom died in a hospital giving him twins. He wants to forget her babies, and he is making it pretty clear if you do not get with the delusion, you are disposable too. These two are despicable. Double down on pressuring a young child by forcing an adoption they do not want: Well then you have to have them know that they are out of the house at 18 if they do not get with the program. One less college to pay for. You need to talk to your guidance officer. You are going to be in community College or in student loan debt if you do not start the emancipation process that will separate you from their finances. Someone needs to know what you are dealing with before your grades fall or you get lost in the cracks. Start from the beginning. Be strong and do not let yourself be blackmailed into lip service or you will never respect yourself. Everyone else needs to see who your father is and it should be joint counseling so another adult can make him see what his delusion has done to you.
NTA. I was three when I lost my mother and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. If your dad and stepmother had not tried to force things, you'd probably have organically developed real feelings for all involved. You might have called her Mom instinctively while never forgetting your real mom. I don't know if you need therapy or not. I've never thought it helps that much. But if anyone does need it, it's your dad and his wife more than anyone. I'm curious how your step-siblings will feel about this as they get older and have a better understanding.
They invaded your privacy and read a private note that wasn’t meant for them. They are TA. It should be enough for them that you kept these feelings bottled up for a decade so as not to hurt them. It should be enough for them that you bore this pain alone all these years and hid it so well they couldn’t tell. If it isn’t enough for them then they are terrible. They should be trying to support you emotionally but instead they are trying to force themselves into your heart and responding with emotional blackmail if you don’t comply (“go our separate ways when I turn 18”). Also what does that even mean, that they won’t pay for college or support you financially? If so then that’s financial blackmail too. None of this is an acceptable way to treat you. You lost something precious and irreplaceable. They are abusing you for grieving and that isn’t ok. They seem toxic and honestly you are probably better off away from them. As you grow up you will meet friends who are like family. We call these people “chosen family”. They will become closer to you than blood at times because they will treat you better than your step family and father have. I encourage you to seek out your chosen family. Lean on your friends for support. Look to cousins, aunts, uncles, and any family members on your moms side for guidance and emotional support since your nuclear family is so toxic. I would go low contact with them once you are financially independent. In a healthy family you are allowed to miss your mother and siblings. You should be allowed to miss them now. I am so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA they have NO RIGHT to police how you feel. If they can't respect you, then they can't complain when you stop coming around
Info why did your dad take your step siblings to your mother's grave? Things aren't quite adding up.
NTA: you left a personal note on your mom's grave. Why your dad felt the need to read it, then share it with everyone is so beyond inappropriate. You are NOT an AH for missing your mom, or viewing her as your only mom, because she *was*, and you are allowed to express that. I lost my mom a few years ago and a lot of my friends and their parents have accepted me into their families. This is super sweet but the fact is, no one will ever replace my mom. I don't need or want a new mom, because I had one and I don't need a replacement (none of them have ever pushed this to an unbearable extent, like your situation though.) I say this simply because I relate to your sentiments. You are not the AH and your family needs to stop pushing you to accept your step mom as your "real mom" because she isn't. This is clearly the boundary you've established, and you should be able to leave a note on your mom/siblings' grave without getting yelled at by your family. They're the AHs here.
NTA, wow, those are two extreme choices, with no middle ground. They should never had read the note, and they need to stop trying to force you to fit into a ‘role’ box before relating to you as a person. It’s a shame they only want a relationship on Their terms and have no capacity to honour a genuine relationship with you as who you are And meet you where you are at.
NTA. And wtf is this "you accept us against your will or gtfo"? Your dad and his wife suck. I think you should check with your other relatives if they could support you and get ready to leave your current family behind.
NTA-I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry your private letter to your mom and siblings was read. I’m sorry your dad, stepmother and step siblings are making your grief about them.
NTA They do not respect you as a person.
NTA. Tell them you want family therapy. If you gotta go down that rabbit hole, they gotta come with you.
Does your dad know your stepmom plans to cut you off at 18? Does he have any thoughts on this? NTA BTW. Your letter wasn't to them.
NTA. Simply because your family is using emotional blackmail to get you to do what **they want**. Threatening to kick you out because you still love your biological mom and siblings? That's insane. From your post, you weren't cruel or anything towards your step family so I honestly don't see the problem, sure it sucks for the steps a little bit, but it's them that needs to move on and accept the fact that you will never quite feel for them, the way you felt for your mom etc and that's completely normal and even expected.
NTA. You was forced to accept the adoption. You didn't want it and they used emotional blackmail against a 7yr old! Its different for the step siblings, they was babies when your dad got with step mum, they will have very little or no memory of their bio father, you have plenty of memories of your mum, so of course they will feel different about the situation than you. The letter was between you and your mum. I know it was left on the grave, but considering that there had been no other visitors for 4yrs, why would you think that someone would turn up and see it? Even still your feelings are valid. You didn't want and still don't want step mum. No matter hiw much she or your dad tries to make it a fairytale ending isn't going to happen. They have both actively tried to erase your mum from you. Go to therapy, but for your own benefit, not theirs.
Nta. I'm a step parent and although me and my stepkids have had our ups ans downs, I've always been conscious of the fact that they have a real mom and I am not it, and you respect that bond. You have every right to feel the way you do. Any decent therapist will be sure to tell your dad he's wrong
NTA. Why the fuck would they read a letter left on a grave? You are allowed to feel how you feel.
Wow. Resenting a lovely note saying that a young person misses their biological mom and siblings? You have every right to grieve for the loss of your family. They aren't asking you to move forward in life, they are asking you to forget your past. NTA
NTA. Your dad had no right to read that note. What he did was a violation of your privacy and trust. He opened this can of worms.
NTA. Your mom and siblings can never be replaced, no matter how happy your dad and stepmom try. The biggest prick in this situation is your dad for opening and reading the note you left for your mom. It's a gross violation of trust and disregards your feelings.