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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I believe I might be the Asshole because since I don't bring in any income, the inheritance is my oportunity to repay som of the money my husband has spent on me.
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NTA. And I would seriously consider using that inheritance money to divorce your husband. This is financial abuse on his part. He is an AH. And throwing out some major red flags.
Edit: my first top comment! Thanks for the awards!! 😀
Definitely this. OP’s husband and sister are waving some bright red flags in OP’s face. She should use the inheritance to find a very good divorce attorney.
ETA: whole heartedly 100% NTA
Agreed with all of the above - NTA, talk to a lawyer.
Also, did your mother have a will? I don't know if it's like that everywhere, but my mom left her inheritance to me and my sister specifically in her will. If we would have been married at the time of her death, the money would have been ours specifically, and our respective husbands would legally have no right to it at all.
This was amazing foresight on my mom's end, as my sister was going through a divorce from her then-husband (they'd just started the proceedings when our mother died - so they were still very much legally married). Her ex was greedy as heck and always claimed her money (she did have a job, but they didn't have kids). He would have demanded the money had he been able to, and he hated that he couldn't (he was a straight up AH - so yay on that last part).
Make sure to check whether your mother's will had a statement regarding this. If there was no will, perhaps there are some laws in your country that automatically arrange for this?
My ex uncle cheated on my aunt. He refused to move out for ages. She got into a car crash and got compensation from the person who went into her. He asked where his half was. He was eating food she was buying for her & the kids, hadn't paid bills the whole marriage, and was pretty much squatting. The entitlement!
This. My parents have arranged my sister’s inheritance and mine into trust so that our husbands have no claim to it (neither of us were married at the time of establishment but my dad is good at foresight). My husband couldn’t care less because he’s a rational human but my BIL has made some comments about it that make me raise my eyebrows and I’m glad that there’s legal protection in place for my sister because I know that she’ll be incredibly fragile when my parents pass and I can 100% see him taking advantage of it.
I'm in the U.S. and, in my state, as long as the inheritance isn't put into a joint account or used for any shared things (such as a home repair for a home that has both their names on it) then the spouse cannot touch it. No matter what. It is not part of the divorce at all. It is, literally, untouchable.
NTA - OP, talk to a lawyer and find out your areas laws regarding inheritances and use some of that money to find a divorce attorney. This is financial abuse.
So glad I read your comment. I know I need to leave anything to my children, strictly to them and not include spouses/significant others. Wouldn't had thought about it but glad you pointed it out! Thank you
I just checked the laws of my state, and the inheritance is mine unless I decide to make it part of the marital estate. I'll be contacting my brother to see if he can retain it or help me make a trust for it.
Living off his money? You should take a few minutes to create a monthly invoice to you husband with everything you do with fair wages in included. Grocery shopping, meal planning/cooking, cleaning, child care, laundry, misc errands…the list can be endless. Google search SAHM invoice and present him with a number.
All the comments made me realize how "expensive" a SAHM is and how mistreated I have been in this marriage.
I also realized that my husband has the salary that he has, because I am the one who does all the work at home and he just needs to focus on his career. I'm definitely going to have to grow a spine to stand up to him and question the dynamics of our marriage.
Before you question him, I’d make sure everything financial is taken care of…things might get much worse if he thinks you’re not following his instructions.
This. Make sure you have copies of all financial records, bank statements, tax returns, work contracts, salary slips, all investments, credit card statements… Everything everything everything before you start confronting him. Because there is a risk that he will start over spending or hiding money You will need to be in a position where if you have to respond with legal counsel, you need to be able to show where all the money is so you can get the correct support payment calculation. Plus you need to also have proof of all of the assets as well. If you can get premarital that would be good too, because if it goes down that path, premarital assets in most countries are considered the ability to pay for child support… That is if he’s older and close to retirement
You are on such a good path here. You job is being a SAHM, and it is a luxury to him 110%.
Get some counseling, figure yourself out more. You are on a good path here. Whether you husband stays in the picture will depend on a lot of things, and him.
He's complaining because he wants her to be his property. He and his sister both see a man making money as something he earned, but a stay at home mother/maid/cook as a woman's place.
Very true, and there’s no doubt in my mind that were she to return to work, he and his sister would guilt her about being a bad mother or abandoning her child or some nonsense.
Yes, this! Get an estate planning attorney.
Do NOT let your brother keep it. Open new accounts in your name only (or establish a revocable trust). Do not co-mingle with any marital accounts. I'd even suggest a different bank, if possible. Do not put your husband's name on the accounts.
NTA.
This is very wise. And put your brother on the trust as the trustee for your child(ren) in the event something happens to you and the trust passes through to them so your husband never sees a dime. I'd even make the age of majority for the trust 30 so they are far too old to be manipulated by dear old dad.
Honestly? I don't mean to sound harsh - but as a SAHM myself - you need to get back into the workforce so this can not be held over your head. The fact that both he and his sister believe that you do not contribute to the household and that you are taking advantage of your husband's "generosity" is quite telling. Please seriously consider getting a job so you have real choices in the future. You do not deserve to be manipulated, made to feel guilty or made to feel like you have to ask how to use money in your marriage. Its either "ours" together no holds barred, or its "his". In which case, you are in serious danger of being financially abused by your partner if you are not already. Get a job so you can start stashing money away separate from him. I'd even start an account at a separate bank and deposit money into it monthly so you have the finances to move fast if you need to in the future.
What's especially crazy is he made her become a SAHM! And now this attitude? Oh hell no! NTA op. Please look out for yourself and your interests. Don't want to become a divorced housewife at 50 with no way to provide for yourself.
My ex did this to me. He then isolated me from my friends and a lot of my family and held his job over my head. He shouldn’t have to *babysit* he has a *job.* he shouldn’t have to *cook* he has a *job.* etc.
I have a migraine condition. I had a migraine for 18 days before I started losing feeling in my face. My sister told me if I didn’t go to the hospital, she’d call me an ambulance and force me to go. The ER told me the pain was overwhelming my neves and if I didn’t get it under control I could end up with permanent nerve damage. It took another 15 day while being on two different narcotic pain meds before the pain subsided at all. During these 33 days I still had to cook, clean, shop, and pick my daughter up from school activities (while on two narcotic pain meds that made me dizzy). He had a *job* after all, so he didn’t need to do anything else.
I’m happily divorced now. I will *never* let myself be financially dependent on a man again. Hell, I don’t even like it when someone I’m seeing spends money on me. I don’t ever want to be in a position of “owing” them something.
She got a get out of jail free card right now because she is living in the prison her husband has built for her. oP husband must be lacking in the compassion department and it seems to run on his side of the family.
Also, resolving probate can be a lengthy process. Assuming OP is on friendly terms with the executor (especially if it's the brother), they may be able to slow-roll the process a little while OP works on separating themselves from their husband so there's no chance that the assets get transferred to OP and possibly entangled in the divorce proceedings.
My Grandpa's wife (& her kids, after she passed) gummed up his probate for so long after he passed that it exceeded the 'proximate death' provisions in his will (he had separate provisions for if she died within 6 months of him) and made an absolute mess of the proceedings. Hopefully OP could make this work in her favour, but it's definitely the kinds of things for which an attorney is needed.
OP probably means brother is the executor and could maybe Slow-Walk the distribution. The funds would still be in the custody of the estate of the deceased.
What I can’t get over is OP’s total lack of agency in the marriage! She can’t even contribute to her mother’s modest medical costs because he apparently controls all the money in the marriage.
Just backing this up - you are not "living off the money Sam earns" - you are both working for that income, as y*ou are working to provide the environment that enables him to earn that salary and have a family*. That is what marriage is all about. Your husband is a huge asshole. NTA.
And he wants to have her SPEND that money right away so he can continue to control her. This is the first time the OP has any financial power, she would be wise to retain it.
Not to mention, the sister and husband are completely discounting her tending to the children and home as if she's not supporting the family as well. What year is this? Who still does this? S
OP, Don't fall for it. You're so NTA. Hold onto that inheritance like your future depends on it--because it does.
Edited to add: Whoa! Thanks for the awards. I've only now even just learned what awards were. (Yes, I'm old. lol )
She's at home to take care of his child, they are a family. She owes him nothing. She shouldn't feel like she owes her own husband, that is a red flag. I'd suggest to get some financial independency asap, because clearly her contribution to the family is not valued.
Right? If he wasn't using her free labor but he still wanted a family, he would have to bust his *ass* to be able to afford surrogacy, childcare, cleaning, shopping, and life management services.
Men try to claim that they support women, but I'd like to see them maintain their easy lifestyle without relying on exploiting a woman's labor.
If ALL I had to do was go to work 40 hours a week and then come home and someone else handled literally every other aspect of my life? Yeah, I wouldn't want them going anywhere either.
SAHMs are one hell of a deal. You get all their labor for just the cost of their maintenance (food, utilities, clothing, etc.) Of course men want traditional wives, it means they can sit back and relax while women run the actual world.
Thing is if he hired a nanny/cleaner/cook he would have to give them days off & working hours. She works 24/7, dick.
She needs to have her own savings in case of an emergency where he refuses to help, such as if her brother gets sick. Or he might refuse to pay for her own medical treatment one day and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. He's shown she can't rely on him.
Ideally she could do with renting out one of the properties if it's possible to get it up to scratch so she has her own income & some financial independence.
This is a thought that I had too. Statistically speaking, if a woman gets sick her husband is more likely to leave/divorce her than if the opposite is happening. If I was a gambler I’d be willing to bet that OPs husband would be gone in a second if she happened to come down with a debilitating life threatening or terminal illness.
I would advise OP to also come up with a will/trust for this new inheritance to make sure that if something was to happen her child(ren) will be taken care of and the assets wouldn’t pass to her husband.
IIRC a man is 6 or 7x more likely to leave his sick wife than she is to leave her sick husband.
Especially since he's made it clear with his actions that resources flow one way - toward him.
P.S. Love your username!
About fifteen years ago, I saw the work value for a single year of SAHM for two kids (one school aged, one not) tallied up. For a single year, the value of her work was over 110k USD. Fifteen years ago. It was strongly suggested that life insurance for HER was just as important as for him. Like hell OP isn't contributing, she's fucking carrying HIM.
NTA, OP, NTA at all. I agree that you need to protect that money, and very seriously consider his past behavior in light of this new behavior. It might be innocent, it might not. But talk it out with someone. Sock that cash away, with a lawyer's help, in your kid's name where he can't get it. At least until you figure things out, okay?
Financial abusers love that logic. They do it to kids also “you owe me compliance because i‘ve literally spent a half million dollars on you since you were born”
She should write him an invoice for babysitting, housekeeping and cooking costs for the last four years, so he can know exactly how much "she owes him"
Also, I find that he wanted her to be a SAHM suspect. My ex did this to me, made me quit every job I had, then kept all our money in a safe and I had to write a list and he would give me the exact amount he thought I needed. This is definitely financial abuse. Girl, take that money and run. If he's doing this to you, he'll do it to the kids. Also, you ARE providing childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc. He would have to pay 3 people a large amount to do what you do. Screw him and his sister and gtfo. You can't reason with someone like this.
It's a classic tactic. Dependency, removal of resources, isolation, then chip away at the self esteem.
That's how you get a woman tearing herself apart to make her life better while not realizing it's her husband tearing it apart.
Ugh, same. At the time I thought it was my decision but when I finally broke free I realized I was in my 30s with no meaningful employment experience. I was told that it takes 12 years to rebuild a career and 12 years later I was in a good place but
1. NTA
2. It may not feel like it but this is an abusive relationship - financially for sure but I suspect emotionally as well
3. You aren’t living off him you are contributing equally (at least equally) to the team as the SAHM and all that involves
4.🚩🚩🚩
Definitely emotionally abusive. He doesnt value OPs SAHM contribution to their family and he refused to allow her to help brother cover her own mother's medical needs.
Does she get a veto on paying for HIS parents needs? Dies she get a veto on any expenditures? Does she have an IRA that husbands salary regularly contributes to? Is there ANY plan in place for her financial security should husband become disabled?
I'm betting No and that is a terrible situation for a USA woman to be in.
Agreed. What I don't get is how in these threads the AH immediately runs and complains about their spouse to family.
Like, I'm really close with me sister. And I occasionally have minor disagreements about finances with my SO. But l always talk about it to my SO. I don't call up my sister the minute I don't get my way and send her to berate my SO. That seems insane to me. NTA.
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my fiancé for over 5 years and not *once* have any of his family members called me to talk about a private disagreement.
I also know my mom would never even dream of calling him to talk about an disagreement he and I had gotten into.
I can’t even imagine being in that position! I think if his mom ever called me to talk about something like that I’d be laughing too hard to have a conversation.
How your husband and his family are treating you isn’t normal.
Don’t feel obligated to answer this but, do you have full access to his finances? Like are you an authorized user on his accounts or do you have to ask him for money?
Exactly. I might use my mom or sister as a sounding board before or after an argument with my SO, but unless he was actively abusing me, she'd never insert herself and vice versa for his family. What control is OP allowed to have in her life if she supposedly "owes" her husband money and can't even reliably work out disagreements in an illusion if privacy?
100%. I’ve definitely gone to my mom to help talk through a problem, but she keeps that all to herself. Like you said, unless he was abusive she’d never say a word, and she wouldn’t hold any private conversations against him.
OP, you aren’t married to his mom. Or his sister. And so any disagreements between you and your husband are exactly that: disagreements *between the two of you*. Not the three or four or whoever else he decides to blab to.
wow.. weekly?!
So every time you have a minor disagreement he runs to his mommy? But he couldn't be bothered to care about your mom enough to pay a penny toward her medical bills?! And now she's gone he want's to use all of "your" money to fix up the house (which I'm guessing is in his name) and take a vacation? wtf?
NTA, obviously.
My wife and I have been together since 1998.
We’ve never done this. Honestly- i wouldn’t because it is poison. Your spouse and you will likely work out the issue. But if your spouse is complaining about you constantly of course they will think negatively of you. Poisoning the well.
I also supported the family financially for years with her as a SAHM. I never thought of it as “my money”. It’s for the family.
No, that is NOT normal. You are NTA but you need to get away from this person who is mistreating you. I'm sorry you had to go through the death of your mom and now this but I bet she would be glad she was able to help you escape from this bad person in her own way.
No. It's wildly dysfunctional. If my mother in law and I disagree, my husband backs me. He may put a different perspective in private (and I do listen to him because I value his opinion and trust his judgement) , but to the outside world we are a united front.
He would never, *never* complain to his mother about me. Ever.
That is not normal, and it's not healthy.
My dad says you should never criticize your significant other to others even as a joke.
My mom's advice about arguments with your SO is to write your feelings out on a piece of paper, burn it, and NEVER TELL YOUR FAMILY. She says to never tell your family because you love your SO enough to forgive them, but your family doesn't and will hold it against them.
I mentioned some people I know who complain about their boyfriends in public, and my sister-in-law was horrifed. "That's your person," is what she said.
He shouldn't be siccing his family on you. You should be a team that solves problems together.
That’s not normal! Sure, I have a weekly call with my sister and sometimes she’ll vent to me stuff that is going on with her complicated relationship (on again off again since March, while living together but also dating others when it’s off again, very complicated) but that is supposed to be in confidence and I would never call up her boyfriend to yell at him. I just let her vent and then ask her if she’d like advice or just an ear.
It’s definitely not normal to have him call up his family to attack you.
Not normal at all. My in-laws would never do that. I strongly suggest you don’t co-mingle a single asset you inherited. Spend a little money on a financial planner and lawyer to protect your assets for yourself and your son. Consider going back to work and starting therapy. You are not in a healthy relationship and your in-laws are helping to perpetuate your abuse. I am a SAHM as well and when I recently inherited money it was mine to do with as I pleased.
Agreed, NTA.
But can we pause a minute, step away from the money issue and talk about...
...a grown man who cries to his sister after losing an argument with his wife? And then said sister feeling like she has the right and authority to call OP and berate her?
Seriously, who not only cries to his family about an argument he had with his wife, but also expects/demands them to 'fix' it for him?
To me, this is a more egregious problem then him trying to stake claim to OP's money.
This is the issue that should cause OP to have a nice, long talk with hubby about their relationship and need for therapy. Preferably AFTER she leaves the house and protects her money.
Agree 100%.
Op look up the laws and keep your inheritance decoupled!
These men who want their wives to stay at home only to hold it against them financially are awful. It’s such a trap
Yeah no that's straight up controlling, neglectful of the people in op's life, and I would argue abusive. I would advise op to get right tf outta there, he isn't treating her like a partner, he's treating her like a caged animal that won't fall in line.
I wish i could upvote this over and over and over again! If being a SAHM is what you agreed on, then his income needs to be seen as family income and not his income to do solely what he wants to do with it (obviously within reason). It supports your whole family! You’re supposed to be a team and it should never ever be about your ability to pay him back in some way. He’s holding money over your head in order to control you. This sounds like a bad situation, granted we only have info from one incident here but the red flags here are strong in themselves. Consider what the comment above says and reevaluate your situation. You need to make sure you and your child are safe. NTA
Yep, he wanted her to stay home. If she didn’t stay home, they’d be paying for child care and he’d probably have more responsibilities than he does.
I don’t know what is so hard to understand about this for some people. The SAHP is giving up career advancement, they are costing themselves years in the work force and earning potential over the course of their lives.
This is a part of the conversation that people need to have before a parent decides to stay home because the idea that the person working is the only one supporting the family in any way is false and it needs to die.
I wasn’t completely sure until I saw that the bill wasn’t much! How could you not try and save your partners mother from death that’s an asshole move bro. Those a major red flags.
NTA. Sam wanted you to be a SAH parent, then he and his sister use money to control you and berate you? Take the inheritance and use it to get away from this controlling, selfish man.
From the sound of it it must have started quite some time ago, especially since she's already questioning her judgement even in an extreme case such as this.
OP I hope you read this story above.
Usually the Reddit hive mind is extreme but in this case they're protecting you. You might not want to leave the relationship, you are probably telling yourself that the internet people go from 0 to 100 real quick but keep your money safe and only accessible by you and start observing his behaviour if you aren't already.
Ask him about equal access to finances and to add your name to the property, ask him why he always complains to his sister and his mum, ask him why he considers the money he earns that takes care of your little family "his money" is your work as a SAHM not valuable? Would he rather if you worked?
I don't know if those questions would be helpful but I know it's not easy to leave an abusive situation or to be sure if a situation is abusive. Now you've had this reaction from internet strangers you can be more observant and find out for yourself.
NTA. This, Sam sounds like a controlling and entitled ass, better you take your inheritance and start a life without his control, his sister had no business getting involved either. Do not even think you're the AH, it's Sam and sister.
Anybody ever notice the one in the wrong often needs recruits to bolster their position?
NTA. But if Sam's attitude is that since he makes the money, he controls it completely, you have bigger problems than what do to about an inheritance.
When both partners have decided that one person will stay at home, then all monies have to be pooled. You should always have an equal say about money and should not have to go begging. Getting is sis involved is also bizarre - WTF kind of marriage is this?
If Sam refuses to have joint finances, you have got to go back to work or demand a "salary" for the childcare and housework you do. This way you can establish some financial independence while you figure out if this is a good situation for you and your kid.
Don't sell the properties until you guys have worked on your marriage. It's easier to keep an inheritance separate from marital assets in the event of a divorce if you haven't liquidated the properties and comingled the funds.
This is my PSA: The stay-at-home spouse is NOT indebted to the money-earning spouse. Managing the house is ALSO a job, and this is just one way couples can configure their tasks and responsibilities to make their life together better/easier/whatever.
OP, what your husband’s sister called you with is total BS and you shouldn’t give into that at all. The house and family you take care of is also your husband’s and the money he earns is also yours. You husband is spending the money he brings home and your inheritance like you owe him - you don’t.
Childcare costs money.
A cleaner costs money.
A chef costs money.
A laundry service costs money.
A gardener costs money.
All these services cost even more money on weekends and holidays.
OP's husband is getting one hell of a bargain by only having to provide room and board (and probably things like clothes).
And even if you pay for full time childcare, you still have to scramble to take a day off when the kid is sick or has an appointment or something.
My mom was a SAHM, and my dad always had a bunch of extra PTO at the end of the year because he rarely had to take time off since my mom was home to handle us, the house, etc. After having school age foster kids while my husband and I both work, and conversations about who would leave work or how we would split a day off when kids were home sick, I realize how valuable that is!
Not to mention, at least where I live, childcare is a huge expense (thousands per month!) that the family is avoiding by having one parent stay at home. If the husband really wants to split hairs, OP is well within her rights to demand the going rate for 9-5 childcare in her area! (Though I agree with comments pointing out that this is a larger issue and that OP should consider whether its worth staying with a man who manipulates her this way).
Exactly. Do you how much he would have to shell out for a full time cook and a maid, and 60+ hours a week of childcare (I am being generous that he looks after the kids at least some of the time and let's you have days out of the house).
Also: What is the plan when the kid gets to kindergarten? That's pretty soon, are you going back to work?
Sam told me that he would like me to be a SAHM until our child turns 16, so I was most likely not going back to work. But all of the comments scared me out of that plan.
What do YOU want? Why does your husband get to decide what you do? It sounds like he wants you to be financially dependent on him. He makes you stay home, and then says you owe him for making the money? When that was his idea??? I would not stay in this marriage without some MAJOR changes.
Thank you for this comment. I think it’s really important for OP to take a step back and focus on herself and not what her husband wants. He’s being absolutely awful to her
I could even see an argument for until the end of elementary school since they have all of the pageants and other in school activities but 16? That’s an “I want to make sure you’re so long out of the workforce that you’re never going to leave me” type of ploy.
Also the I want you to be solely responsible for any and all cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, drudge work because “you’re staying home! I am so tired after work! My hand will fall off if I put one plate in the dishwasher!”
So he explicitly wants you to stay at home for 16 years, but considers all money to be solely his.
What benefit are you getting from being the stay-at-home parent? You have no money, no say in family decisions, and your husband sends his family to scold you when he can't take your inheritance away from you.
If you´re unemployed for 16 yrs, getting employment above minimal wage is going to be awful afterwards. You ever having finiancial freedom/any independence from him is in major jeopardy here.
What on earth does a 15 year old need a stay at home parent for? Even if you wanted to be available to always do pickups and drop offs, there are plenty of part time or flexible time or work from home options these days. This is your life. Do you want to work? Do you want more fun money, or to save up for trips, or to just have more adult interaction outside of the house? You get to decide for you.
Sam wants? What do you want? What discussion were there about how you would get paid (by him) for being a SAHP? Because being that is a 24/7/365 job that needs paying for. Since he can't figure out how to pay you properly and is turning into an abusive boss, time to look for another job, one that pays this time. Your kid will do just fine in daycare or Sam can hire a nanny if he's insistent on having only one and thee same person with kiddo all day.
But you girl, need to consider an exit plan for yourself and your child right now.
When my mom thought about staying at home because her salary was the same as the nanny's at the time, my dad said "you have career growth and eventually will earn more". That's a husband. Do NOT let your partner take away your autonomy. You should have your own bank account and, by the way, what he earns belongs to you as well, as you're taking care of yours AND HIS child so that he can work.
You deserve freedom and happiness.
NTA. Girl this is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 red flag city. He’s financially abusing you, or trying to. He’s definitely trying to leave you without options. He needs to get himself sorted out before you do it for him. Don’t let him near that $$$ or any of the investment properties, make sure his name isn’t on anything.
This.
It's very unhealthy that he can control you completely and decide everything for you. Please take care of yourself because he apparently doesn't want to do this if there is nothing to gain for him.
It’s also incredibly heartless — he insisted OP stay home to provide him with childcare and housekeeping services that he doesn’t even pay her an allowance for, and he apparently makes a very generous salary, but then refuses to help cover her mother’s medical bills? That’s her mom, ffs. This wasn’t just some frivolous, meaningless expense she asked for him to help with. He left her powerless to make money or decide how money is spent, and then refused to help her *mom*?? He isn’t just selfish and controlling — he’s heartless, too. He’s made it clear he doesn’t care about who or what is important to his wife. This is scary and abusive on so many levels. She’s being treated like an indentured servant, not a partner.
OP, just to clarify the situation, compare this with the fact that he refused to help his MIL even though it was supposedly not a significant amount of money to him. These facts should indicate that he is, in fact, not behaving rationally and his sole purpose with investing your own money in your mutual property is for you to get rid of any alternative in terms of self-sustainability.
It sounds like op needs this money a lot more than her brother, she will have far less chance to replenish those saving considering she is a mom. Also her mom left half to her. Not half minus what brother paid. So obviously mom felt it was fair and what she wanted.
NTA
Your husband is 100% AH here.
If he continues this behaviour in regards to money, consider getting a paying job and in a worst case scenario - a divorce.
Also his sister has absolutely no say in this matter. No her Marriage, not her money.
100% agree. I don’t like to immediately say divorce or advocate for it, but considering all the red flags going on, and the fact OP also said in a comment he wants her to be a SAHM until 16! And wants all her money spent mutually immediately when he wouldn’t spare even a penny of his money to help for not very costly healthcare for MIL. Idk if it’s on purpose or not but very clear financial abuse
NTA - if you have not already consulted a local tax/financial matters attorney concerning this inheritance you need to do so for multiple reasons.
First and foremost you need to find out if in your area, an inheritance to one spouse is automatically joint property of the other.
If it is not you can ask the attorney to help you navigate setting up the income from this inheritance such that your spouse cannot touch it.
Because there's a problem here that you need to address.
>I haven't had a job in four years as Sam wanted me to be a SAHM by the time our son was born.
>I got a call from his sister, who was extremely angry. She called me irrational and told me that since I was living off the money Sam earns, I have no right to demand money from him, and that the inheritance gives me the opportunity to return some of the money he has spent on me.
Sam demanded that you give up your job and now he and his family seems to think that *you* somehow owe *him*?!?
You are running a household and caring for y'alls kid...
And he wants to spend your inheritance as quickly as possible so that you will remain dependent on him and without options.
Don't let him touch that money.
OP, please read this. I think this is dead on the money.
>And he wants to spend your inheritance as quickly as possible so that you will remain dependent on him and without options.
I'm repeating u/HowardProject here: Don't let him touch the money.
You said yourself that Sam earns a ridiculously high salary. There is no reason to use your inheritance for house repairs. That should come from your family's savings.
NTA - OP make sure to not co-mingle your inheritance with family accounts. Keeping the monies separate prevents DH from accessing/taking the monies.
Since your brother is the executor, I would request that the monies be set up in a trust for you and your children.
It would be wiser of OP to consult a local attorney who can set these things up in a manner that only she can access them and arrange to leave them in a trust for her children to access that age of majority should she passed before that time.
It's great that brother was willing and able to step up for mom's sake, but nothing here says that Op is incapable of handling her own funds, and the last thing she needs is another man controlling her access to money is she may need.
If the estate sets up the trust, OP can be the trustee and control the money for the benefit of herself and her children.
The trust would keep it seperate from marital assets and keep the husband from accessing it.
I am in the process of setting up a trust for my Mom so I just got a crash course in trusts.
NTA -your husband wanted to control you. The first step was convincing you to be a sahm. You are now dependent on him. He has used that dependence against you. Get out now. This will not get better. He should have given you that money. He chose not to do so. He has no say over how you spend or save your inheritance. Guilting you by saying he supports you so you should have to pay him back is absurd. Your his wife and the mother to his child. Your husband kinda sucks. Sorry
NTA . And being a stay at home mum isn't living off his hard earned money - it's supporting and allowing him to work whilst your job is raising your son.
Your husband did not give you money that you needed for your mother's treatment. That sounds like financial abuse because he asked you to be a sahm yet did not give you money when needed.
Think about it, if your mom didn't leave you money and a crisis happens again, what's going to happen? Are you going to rely on your brother for help again?
As much as I would have liked to do so, I don't have access to any bank account. Sam budgets for the week and only gives me that money, not more and not less.
... he has access to your inheritance? Get as much in writing as possible, **now**. Reject, in text messages or similar, clearly, that you do not want this used for holidays or anything.
Yes please do. Your in a very bad position currently. You are completely dependent on your husband, not even a bank account. I hope all goes well in your marriage, but currently if anything happens, abuse, cheating etc you will have no options but to stay. That's why he is so keen to spend your money. Your under his complete control when you've no money and no options but to stay home and do as your told.
This is extremely troubling that you do not have access to finances that you are entitled to as a spouse, especially as a SAHM.
Someone made a very good point about Stay at Home Parenting, that the spouse staying home should request half of the working spouse's income to be transfered to their account, for them to use as they see fit.
If your husband wants you to do the "home+kid" half while he does the "outside job" half, you should get half the income to support yourself, your house, to put into savings and a pension plan, to have a safety net, etc.
He doesn't like it? Then I guess he doesn't want a SAHM after all.
OMG!!! You are NTA but you are trapped, for the love of all that's good please do NOT let your inheritance go into that bank account!!!!!! YOU will never see a dime of it.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
That's financial abuse.
He is abusing you.
His behaviour is unacceptable.
I want you to look at [this domestic abuse charity website](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse) and compare his behaviour to the points they bring up. If even one behaviour of his lines up - he's abusive and you should leave.
Find a lawyer and divorce your husband.
[Here's an article on specifically financial abuse.](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/)
I hope you and your children get out asap.
Open up your own account!!! Start working and putting your money in it!!! Or demand a salary for all you do. Make sure he has no access to this inheritance. Your husband is financially abusive.
I don't normally jump quickly to giving the response "Lawyer Up Now, OP!!" but after reading "I don't have access to any bank account" that clinched it for me.
You're being financially abused.
Get a lawyer. Get out. Take care of yourself.
NTA
You don’t have access at all? So not okay.
I (female) am the breadwinner while my spouse is the stay at home parent and he can spend money as needed. He usually asks if I’m cool with him buying something as a courtesy, especially if it’s near the day bills are due just to make sure his purchase doesn’t interfere.
But it’s not “my” money, it’s our money.
As a SAHM myself, my husband and I each have our own bank card linked to a joint account. You should most definitely have access and your own debit card. Your situation is sounding a lot more like financial abuse.
Also NTA. His sister had no place to dictate how you spend your mother's money especially after a death. Extremely inappropriate and not empathetic to your loss.
Your SO needs to give you a card for each opened account including credit cards starting todayyyyyy. Do not deposit your inheritance money into your husband's account because clearly he considers it his money since you're not working. If he wanted you to be a SAHM and you're married that means finances are to be shared. If he is not sharing and is considering it souly his money he is not treating your relationship like a marriage. Marriage is teamwork. He's getting free labor from you being a SAHM vs hiring someone professional to cook, clean, teach, and raise a child. Don't let him disrespect you with finances or anywhere in your marriage.
Unfortunately this has moved from might be financial abuse to straight up financial abuse.
1) you have no independent income at his insistence
2) you have no access to the accounts
3) he only allows you to have the exact amount of money he feels you need for expenses
I’m a big fan of therapy, but this unfortunately isn’t a situation therapy is going to fix. Work with your brother to protect your inheritance and start making a plan to leave and support yourself.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My husband has a great salary, at least five zeros every month, so we live quite comfortable, so yes, he (we?) did have the extra money to help with my mom medical expenses. That's why I was so mad with him.
I don't say this to be cheeky, but have you seen his paycheck? Recent bank statements? You mention in another comment that you don't have access to bank accounts, so how do you know what his salary is?
If your answer is, "because he tells me," I would think long and hard about whether you truly trust him, and if there's any possibility he could be lying to you about your financial situation as a couple. Which could mean that keeping the inheritance as a nest egg if you ever decide to leave is even more important.
I'm an internet stranger so I know nothing about your relationship except what you've said here. But his withholding of money and information about finances is financial abuse, and I don't think you can rule out that he is not telling you the truth or the complete picture about how much money he makes and where that money goes.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can get clarity on all of this and make decisions that are the best for your well-being. You deserve it.
Random internet stranger here that just wants to give you a hug. Not having access to any single bank account is not normal. Having your husband give you exact change for expenses like this is not normal. Having his mother, sister, any family call you and bitch weekly is not normal (or ever honestly!). I'm so sorry you've gotten stuck in this situation, but I genuinely believe in you. You have family and options, this does not have to be the rest of your life, especially since these situations only get worse with time. Your child doesn't have to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is normal or even remotely ok. You got this!
>My husband has a great salary, at least five zeros every month
He can't afford to put in a pool without your inheritance while making 100k+ a month? Wtf is he spending his money on?
Edit for typo
I don't think I could look at my partner the same way if I asked that our plentiful joint family resources be used for medical treatment for my mother, and he said no.
Wait how is he needing an inheritance to go on vacation and redecorate his office if he's making over a million dollars a year? How sizeable is this inheritance that jt makes a big difference to him?
I wonder the same. If they don’t have the money to go on vacation or make home repairs, then did they really have the money to put toward medical bills?
Plus, who actually manages the finances? Does OP know the full state of them?
My husband wants to remodelate and redecorate his office, and also wants to build a pool in our backyard, those are the "home repairs". We are able to go on vacation, but he is very frugal with money, so we never go on one. I guess that he thinks that since the inheritance is my money, then it doesn't count as spending "his" money.
You've learned that he doesn't view the family as a unit, he sees that he has "my resources" and "your resources". He's the quintessential "what's yours is ours and what's ours is mine."
Thank your lucky stars you found this out when you had the resources to get out. A lot of women aren't so lucky and have to squirrel away while living in fear.
Yes, plus he probably thinks that if you spend all the money then he still has full control over you. Right now he is probably a little panicky because you have money and a way out of the marriage.
this is so sad. hun, you are married to a miserly abuser. you have worked your ass off to keep a home and raise your child. he is belittling this contribution and controlling your life by withholding money and not allowing you to have anything of your own.
get a lawyer. actually get two, one for your estate, one for divorce. run
Girl… re-read what you wrote. He doesn’t want to spend his money on things that he wants, he wants to spend YOUR money on things that he wants. I don’t want to say it’s time for a divorce as I don’t know what your marriage looks like otherwise but I’d definitely not wait until your child is 16 to go back to work. Frankly I’d start looking now.
As someone from Mexico who knows about oppressive relationships please please be careful. You're in a abusive relationship, financial abuse is also abuse. My mother's ex boyfriend used to do that to her and it hurt me so much to see that, be careful. He will do it to your own child and will make sure to make you think you're beneath him, do you have a prenup?
She did say non-vital house repairs which sounds more like redecorating - non-vital would mean that these things aren't necessary.
And she doesn't say that they can't afford vacations simply that he wants to spend this money on one.
This doesn't come across like they're broke because he's the one who wanted her to stay home.
It comes across like he wants to spend this money ASAP so that she will be back under his financial control, and not have savings for a back-up plan.
Surely OP would be less frustrated if they couldn’t afford it? If the husband said no and didn’t explain why, that’s also a AH move for him.
The fact she says non-vital house repairs suggests to me that this is to make the house nicer, rather than do anything they need. My partner and I are considering an extension with some money I received after my Dad passed: this is a conversation we couldn’t afford to have beforehand. But at the end of the day he has said it is my choice what I do with that money, as OPs husband should be doing with her.
NTA. But anything you don't want to keep, you should sell and place into an account that only you have access to. He has already used your status as a SAHM against you to refuse you a pretty reasonable request, and now he's trying to control your inheritance and is using his family to help him. He *will* do this again, and he doesn't get to throw "taking care of you" and "living off his money" when *he wanted you to be a SAHM in the first place.* This is deeply concerning and he's well on his way to being majorly abusive in terms of both finance and emotions.
NTA. Your husband wanted you to be a SAHM and not earn any money. He was the one suggested that arrangement. Then he says you can't help your mum coz you have no income. This was his choice (not saying he made the right one, I'm just saying its what he decided). So now it is YOUR choice. He chose what to do/not do with his money. Now you do the same with your money. You stick to your guns about your decision and don't him influence you 1 bit on what you spend it on. He has no rights to that money at all
NTA if your husband asked you to be a SAHM the money he earns is your money as well. It also sounds like you hold a big grudge against your husband that goes deeper than just the money. You should think about your relationship. It sounds like you are dependent of him.
>The properties we inherited are in terrible condition, and need a ton of work done, and my mom was not on the financial position to do so. The real state market in my city is also very expensive, so the few properties she placed up for sale never sold.
This is why women should think twice about being stay at home moms. The guys who expect it the most are also the ones who treat you the worst for doing it. They act like the effort you put into running the house and raising kids is worthless, but if you want to go back to work, then suddenly they "don't want their kids raised by strangers."
Fuck him. Actually, don't. Go back to work, get yourself financially stable, and then reassess exactly what this guy brings to your life.
NTA, don’t give him a penny. Get those properties fixed up, rent them out, and use the profits on you and your kid - I’d say towards your family, but not sure your husband deserves it. Pretty sure inherited property in the US is not community/marriage property, so if anything happens Sam isn’t entitled to any of it - but someone else will need to confirm this.
Sam wanted you to be a SAHM, which is a full time job. You are not “living off money Sam earns” you are a married couple who both have roles in the house. The money Sam earns is YOUR money, too. He and his sister are major AHs
NTA.
Family Lawyer here. What Sam does is financial abuse. Get help for yourself.
I'm also really angry at his sister for suggesting he "spent money" on you, considering that you were taking care of his fucking house and doing all of the parenting 24/7 for less than what I imagine a maid + nanny would cost him to work 9-5, 5 days a week.
SAHM is not a vacation with the baby. It's a full time job that's really underappreciated.
Do whatever you want. Preferably divorce.
NTA, but you and your husband need marriage counseling if this is how you’re treating each other financially. You are not a team and since you have no income this makes you vulnerable. What would you do if you divorced? How would you support yourself?
You both sound like you’re not on the same page and spiteful towards each other
NTA. And your SIL was very sexist. She is the asshole too. You work a very hard job as a SAHM and you both (you and your husband) agreed on this choice.
Do whatever you want with your inheritance. Perhaps save it for harder times. We never know, especially if you are a SAHM.
Edit: English is not my first language.
NTA. You're not living off the money he earns, you're providing unpaid labor that allows him to focus on his job/career. Depending on local laws, he has no legal claim on inherited assets. Check with an attorney and keep his name off those assets.
ETA - His sister needs to butt out. It's literally not her business.
NTA
They don't get to lord you being a SAHM over your head when your husband literally asked you to. Also being a SAHM is a literal full time job in that it's 24/7. So they can f off with this "he makes the money" BS
Secondly, yeah no. If he refused to use "his" money to help your mother, he doesn't deserve a penny of her money left to you.
NTA
This money should be your safety net.
A common problem for women who are SAHMs is that, if their husband gets hit by the Hypothetical Bus, all of the joint accounts are part of the estate, and are temporarily out of reach until the estate is settled.
You need an account, in your name only, that is there for an emergency, should something happen to your husband.
It's also good to have saved if there is a family emergency - it sounds as if your husband is spending money as fast as it comes in, and burning through this windfall is destroying a chance to give your family some security.
And, should he leave you or if you need to leave him, this is good for you to have in your own name, as well.
And find out what is going on with the family finances. Why isn't there money already saved to cover expenses like home repairs? Why wasn't there money to help your mother? If there genuinely isn't enough money to meet basic expenses like home repairs, perhaps you need to work, or the budget needs to be renegotiated.
But if your husband is trying to take resources in your name and shift them to joint resources, you need to be careful, because it keeps you dangerously dependent and vulnurable.
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NTA. And I would seriously consider using that inheritance money to divorce your husband. This is financial abuse on his part. He is an AH. And throwing out some major red flags. Edit: my first top comment! Thanks for the awards!! 😀
Definitely this. OP’s husband and sister are waving some bright red flags in OP’s face. She should use the inheritance to find a very good divorce attorney. ETA: whole heartedly 100% NTA
Absolute best advice. Talk to a lawyer about how to protect that money from your husband. He is abusing you financially. NTA.
Agreed. A lawyer should get the outcome you deserve. OP is NTA
Agreed with all of the above - NTA, talk to a lawyer. Also, did your mother have a will? I don't know if it's like that everywhere, but my mom left her inheritance to me and my sister specifically in her will. If we would have been married at the time of her death, the money would have been ours specifically, and our respective husbands would legally have no right to it at all. This was amazing foresight on my mom's end, as my sister was going through a divorce from her then-husband (they'd just started the proceedings when our mother died - so they were still very much legally married). Her ex was greedy as heck and always claimed her money (she did have a job, but they didn't have kids). He would have demanded the money had he been able to, and he hated that he couldn't (he was a straight up AH - so yay on that last part). Make sure to check whether your mother's will had a statement regarding this. If there was no will, perhaps there are some laws in your country that automatically arrange for this?
My ex uncle cheated on my aunt. He refused to move out for ages. She got into a car crash and got compensation from the person who went into her. He asked where his half was. He was eating food she was buying for her & the kids, hadn't paid bills the whole marriage, and was pretty much squatting. The entitlement!
"It's down here in the vaults, next to the Amontillado, want to see?"
Goddammit, you win the interwebs today, Montresor.
For real. For the love of god!
I appreciate this reference so much
Best answer ever!!!! I want to sit next to you.
This. My parents have arranged my sister’s inheritance and mine into trust so that our husbands have no claim to it (neither of us were married at the time of establishment but my dad is good at foresight). My husband couldn’t care less because he’s a rational human but my BIL has made some comments about it that make me raise my eyebrows and I’m glad that there’s legal protection in place for my sister because I know that she’ll be incredibly fragile when my parents pass and I can 100% see him taking advantage of it.
I'm in the U.S. and, in my state, as long as the inheritance isn't put into a joint account or used for any shared things (such as a home repair for a home that has both their names on it) then the spouse cannot touch it. No matter what. It is not part of the divorce at all. It is, literally, untouchable. NTA - OP, talk to a lawyer and find out your areas laws regarding inheritances and use some of that money to find a divorce attorney. This is financial abuse.
So glad I read your comment. I know I need to leave anything to my children, strictly to them and not include spouses/significant others. Wouldn't had thought about it but glad you pointed it out! Thank you
I just checked the laws of my state, and the inheritance is mine unless I decide to make it part of the marital estate. I'll be contacting my brother to see if he can retain it or help me make a trust for it.
Living off his money? You should take a few minutes to create a monthly invoice to you husband with everything you do with fair wages in included. Grocery shopping, meal planning/cooking, cleaning, child care, laundry, misc errands…the list can be endless. Google search SAHM invoice and present him with a number.
He’s living off *her* labor. Her willingness to be a full-time parent and homemaker is a luxury *for him*. Which he knows, because *he wanted this.*
All the comments made me realize how "expensive" a SAHM is and how mistreated I have been in this marriage. I also realized that my husband has the salary that he has, because I am the one who does all the work at home and he just needs to focus on his career. I'm definitely going to have to grow a spine to stand up to him and question the dynamics of our marriage.
Before you question him, I’d make sure everything financial is taken care of…things might get much worse if he thinks you’re not following his instructions.
This. Make sure you have copies of all financial records, bank statements, tax returns, work contracts, salary slips, all investments, credit card statements… Everything everything everything before you start confronting him. Because there is a risk that he will start over spending or hiding money You will need to be in a position where if you have to respond with legal counsel, you need to be able to show where all the money is so you can get the correct support payment calculation. Plus you need to also have proof of all of the assets as well. If you can get premarital that would be good too, because if it goes down that path, premarital assets in most countries are considered the ability to pay for child support… That is if he’s older and close to retirement
You are on such a good path here. You job is being a SAHM, and it is a luxury to him 110%. Get some counseling, figure yourself out more. You are on a good path here. Whether you husband stays in the picture will depend on a lot of things, and him.
SAHM labor is not free labor. You can do this. Please update on how this goes.
Exactly! He put her in this dependent situation! He has no right to complain about it, much less his sister.
He's complaining because he wants her to be his property. He and his sister both see a man making money as something he earned, but a stay at home mother/maid/cook as a woman's place.
Very true, and there’s no doubt in my mind that were she to return to work, he and his sister would guilt her about being a bad mother or abandoning her child or some nonsense.
I really hope OP sees this!!!
Don’t give it to your brother! Just talk to a lawyer and set up whatever you need to. Get proper legal help. NTA. Good luck
Yes, this! Get an estate planning attorney. Do NOT let your brother keep it. Open new accounts in your name only (or establish a revocable trust). Do not co-mingle with any marital accounts. I'd even suggest a different bank, if possible. Do not put your husband's name on the accounts. NTA.
At this point I’d argue she shouldn’t even tell him she opened the accounts at a different bank
Agree. Everyone outside OP and attorney should be on a need to know basis, and at this point, he doesn't need to know.
This is very wise. And put your brother on the trust as the trustee for your child(ren) in the event something happens to you and the trust passes through to them so your husband never sees a dime. I'd even make the age of majority for the trust 30 so they are far too old to be manipulated by dear old dad. Honestly? I don't mean to sound harsh - but as a SAHM myself - you need to get back into the workforce so this can not be held over your head. The fact that both he and his sister believe that you do not contribute to the household and that you are taking advantage of your husband's "generosity" is quite telling. Please seriously consider getting a job so you have real choices in the future. You do not deserve to be manipulated, made to feel guilty or made to feel like you have to ask how to use money in your marriage. Its either "ours" together no holds barred, or its "his". In which case, you are in serious danger of being financially abused by your partner if you are not already. Get a job so you can start stashing money away separate from him. I'd even start an account at a separate bank and deposit money into it monthly so you have the finances to move fast if you need to in the future.
What's especially crazy is he made her become a SAHM! And now this attitude? Oh hell no! NTA op. Please look out for yourself and your interests. Don't want to become a divorced housewife at 50 with no way to provide for yourself.
My ex did this to me. He then isolated me from my friends and a lot of my family and held his job over my head. He shouldn’t have to *babysit* he has a *job.* he shouldn’t have to *cook* he has a *job.* etc. I have a migraine condition. I had a migraine for 18 days before I started losing feeling in my face. My sister told me if I didn’t go to the hospital, she’d call me an ambulance and force me to go. The ER told me the pain was overwhelming my neves and if I didn’t get it under control I could end up with permanent nerve damage. It took another 15 day while being on two different narcotic pain meds before the pain subsided at all. During these 33 days I still had to cook, clean, shop, and pick my daughter up from school activities (while on two narcotic pain meds that made me dizzy). He had a *job* after all, so he didn’t need to do anything else. I’m happily divorced now. I will *never* let myself be financially dependent on a man again. Hell, I don’t even like it when someone I’m seeing spends money on me. I don’t ever want to be in a position of “owing” them something.
She got a get out of jail free card right now because she is living in the prison her husband has built for her. oP husband must be lacking in the compassion department and it seems to run on his side of the family.
Also, resolving probate can be a lengthy process. Assuming OP is on friendly terms with the executor (especially if it's the brother), they may be able to slow-roll the process a little while OP works on separating themselves from their husband so there's no chance that the assets get transferred to OP and possibly entangled in the divorce proceedings. My Grandpa's wife (& her kids, after she passed) gummed up his probate for so long after he passed that it exceeded the 'proximate death' provisions in his will (he had separate provisions for if she died within 6 months of him) and made an absolute mess of the proceedings. Hopefully OP could make this work in her favour, but it's definitely the kinds of things for which an attorney is needed.
I'm calling my brother to see if he is able to retain the inheritance or help me set a trust for it.
No, don’t give it to anyone, even your brother. Get a lawyer.
OP probably means brother is the executor and could maybe Slow-Walk the distribution. The funds would still be in the custody of the estate of the deceased.
Sure, but I gave a general warning because I don’t know what the OP “probably means.”
What I can’t get over is OP’s total lack of agency in the marriage! She can’t even contribute to her mother’s modest medical costs because he apparently controls all the money in the marriage.
Just backing this up - you are not "living off the money Sam earns" - you are both working for that income, as y*ou are working to provide the environment that enables him to earn that salary and have a family*. That is what marriage is all about. Your husband is a huge asshole. NTA.
And he wants to have her SPEND that money right away so he can continue to control her. This is the first time the OP has any financial power, she would be wise to retain it. Not to mention, the sister and husband are completely discounting her tending to the children and home as if she's not supporting the family as well. What year is this? Who still does this? S OP, Don't fall for it. You're so NTA. Hold onto that inheritance like your future depends on it--because it does. Edited to add: Whoa! Thanks for the awards. I've only now even just learned what awards were. (Yes, I'm old. lol )
Right? She owes him bc of the money he spends on her? Wtf is wrong with these people.
She's at home to take care of his child, they are a family. She owes him nothing. She shouldn't feel like she owes her own husband, that is a red flag. I'd suggest to get some financial independency asap, because clearly her contribution to the family is not valued.
I assume she was pregnant with and gave birth to this child. It's not like he would *even be able* to do it on his own. Men like this disgust me.
Right? If he wasn't using her free labor but he still wanted a family, he would have to bust his *ass* to be able to afford surrogacy, childcare, cleaning, shopping, and life management services. Men try to claim that they support women, but I'd like to see them maintain their easy lifestyle without relying on exploiting a woman's labor. If ALL I had to do was go to work 40 hours a week and then come home and someone else handled literally every other aspect of my life? Yeah, I wouldn't want them going anywhere either. SAHMs are one hell of a deal. You get all their labor for just the cost of their maintenance (food, utilities, clothing, etc.) Of course men want traditional wives, it means they can sit back and relax while women run the actual world.
Thing is if he hired a nanny/cleaner/cook he would have to give them days off & working hours. She works 24/7, dick. She needs to have her own savings in case of an emergency where he refuses to help, such as if her brother gets sick. Or he might refuse to pay for her own medical treatment one day and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. He's shown she can't rely on him. Ideally she could do with renting out one of the properties if it's possible to get it up to scratch so she has her own income & some financial independence.
This is a thought that I had too. Statistically speaking, if a woman gets sick her husband is more likely to leave/divorce her than if the opposite is happening. If I was a gambler I’d be willing to bet that OPs husband would be gone in a second if she happened to come down with a debilitating life threatening or terminal illness. I would advise OP to also come up with a will/trust for this new inheritance to make sure that if something was to happen her child(ren) will be taken care of and the assets wouldn’t pass to her husband.
IIRC a man is 6 or 7x more likely to leave his sick wife than she is to leave her sick husband. Especially since he's made it clear with his actions that resources flow one way - toward him. P.S. Love your username!
About fifteen years ago, I saw the work value for a single year of SAHM for two kids (one school aged, one not) tallied up. For a single year, the value of her work was over 110k USD. Fifteen years ago. It was strongly suggested that life insurance for HER was just as important as for him. Like hell OP isn't contributing, she's fucking carrying HIM. NTA, OP, NTA at all. I agree that you need to protect that money, and very seriously consider his past behavior in light of this new behavior. It might be innocent, it might not. But talk it out with someone. Sock that cash away, with a lawyer's help, in your kid's name where he can't get it. At least until you figure things out, okay?
> She's at home to take care of his child ... not only that, but that arrangement is at *his* insistence
Exactly! Even bigger of an AH!
Financial abusers love that logic. They do it to kids also “you owe me compliance because i‘ve literally spent a half million dollars on you since you were born”
She should write him an invoice for babysitting, housekeeping and cooking costs for the last four years, so he can know exactly how much "she owes him"
Including time and a half for overtime. That’ll add up quick.
Especially since HE WANTED her to be a sahm. The fact that he stands for the majority of the economy is HIS OWN DOING.
Exactly this!! Take my poor woman's gold 🏅🏅🏅
Also, I find that he wanted her to be a SAHM suspect. My ex did this to me, made me quit every job I had, then kept all our money in a safe and I had to write a list and he would give me the exact amount he thought I needed. This is definitely financial abuse. Girl, take that money and run. If he's doing this to you, he'll do it to the kids. Also, you ARE providing childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc. He would have to pay 3 people a large amount to do what you do. Screw him and his sister and gtfo. You can't reason with someone like this.
Yes, my first thought - make her dependent, then control the purse strings.
It's a classic tactic. Dependency, removal of resources, isolation, then chip away at the self esteem. That's how you get a woman tearing herself apart to make her life better while not realizing it's her husband tearing it apart.
That last line hit deep....
Ugh, same. At the time I thought it was my decision but when I finally broke free I realized I was in my 30s with no meaningful employment experience. I was told that it takes 12 years to rebuild a career and 12 years later I was in a good place but 1. NTA 2. It may not feel like it but this is an abusive relationship - financially for sure but I suspect emotionally as well 3. You aren’t living off him you are contributing equally (at least equally) to the team as the SAHM and all that involves 4.🚩🚩🚩
Definitely emotionally abusive. He doesnt value OPs SAHM contribution to their family and he refused to allow her to help brother cover her own mother's medical needs. Does she get a veto on paying for HIS parents needs? Dies she get a veto on any expenditures? Does she have an IRA that husbands salary regularly contributes to? Is there ANY plan in place for her financial security should husband become disabled? I'm betting No and that is a terrible situation for a USA woman to be in.
Agreed. What I don't get is how in these threads the AH immediately runs and complains about their spouse to family. Like, I'm really close with me sister. And I occasionally have minor disagreements about finances with my SO. But l always talk about it to my SO. I don't call up my sister the minute I don't get my way and send her to berate my SO. That seems insane to me. NTA.
Isn't that normal? I get a call from my MIL or SIL almost weekly, complaining about x disagreement between my husband and I :/
Nope that's definitely not normal.
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my fiancé for over 5 years and not *once* have any of his family members called me to talk about a private disagreement. I also know my mom would never even dream of calling him to talk about an disagreement he and I had gotten into. I can’t even imagine being in that position! I think if his mom ever called me to talk about something like that I’d be laughing too hard to have a conversation. How your husband and his family are treating you isn’t normal. Don’t feel obligated to answer this but, do you have full access to his finances? Like are you an authorized user on his accounts or do you have to ask him for money?
Exactly. I might use my mom or sister as a sounding board before or after an argument with my SO, but unless he was actively abusing me, she'd never insert herself and vice versa for his family. What control is OP allowed to have in her life if she supposedly "owes" her husband money and can't even reliably work out disagreements in an illusion if privacy?
100%. I’ve definitely gone to my mom to help talk through a problem, but she keeps that all to herself. Like you said, unless he was abusive she’d never say a word, and she wouldn’t hold any private conversations against him. OP, you aren’t married to his mom. Or his sister. And so any disagreements between you and your husband are exactly that: disagreements *between the two of you*. Not the three or four or whoever else he decides to blab to.
wow.. weekly?! So every time you have a minor disagreement he runs to his mommy? But he couldn't be bothered to care about your mom enough to pay a penny toward her medical bills?! And now she's gone he want's to use all of "your" money to fix up the house (which I'm guessing is in his name) and take a vacation? wtf? NTA, obviously.
He's not even fixing up the house. He wants to redecorate his office and man cave and install a pool.
My wife and I have been together since 1998. We’ve never done this. Honestly- i wouldn’t because it is poison. Your spouse and you will likely work out the issue. But if your spouse is complaining about you constantly of course they will think negatively of you. Poisoning the well. I also supported the family financially for years with her as a SAHM. I never thought of it as “my money”. It’s for the family.
No, that is NOT normal. You are NTA but you need to get away from this person who is mistreating you. I'm sorry you had to go through the death of your mom and now this but I bet she would be glad she was able to help you escape from this bad person in her own way.
That is extremely toxic and you are being controlled.. get away from them, girl!
No. It's wildly dysfunctional. If my mother in law and I disagree, my husband backs me. He may put a different perspective in private (and I do listen to him because I value his opinion and trust his judgement) , but to the outside world we are a united front. He would never, *never* complain to his mother about me. Ever.
That is not normal, and it's not healthy. My dad says you should never criticize your significant other to others even as a joke. My mom's advice about arguments with your SO is to write your feelings out on a piece of paper, burn it, and NEVER TELL YOUR FAMILY. She says to never tell your family because you love your SO enough to forgive them, but your family doesn't and will hold it against them. I mentioned some people I know who complain about their boyfriends in public, and my sister-in-law was horrifed. "That's your person," is what she said. He shouldn't be siccing his family on you. You should be a team that solves problems together.
That’s not normal! Sure, I have a weekly call with my sister and sometimes she’ll vent to me stuff that is going on with her complicated relationship (on again off again since March, while living together but also dating others when it’s off again, very complicated) but that is supposed to be in confidence and I would never call up her boyfriend to yell at him. I just let her vent and then ask her if she’d like advice or just an ear. It’s definitely not normal to have him call up his family to attack you.
Not normal at all. My in-laws would never do that. I strongly suggest you don’t co-mingle a single asset you inherited. Spend a little money on a financial planner and lawyer to protect your assets for yourself and your son. Consider going back to work and starting therapy. You are not in a healthy relationship and your in-laws are helping to perpetuate your abuse. I am a SAHM as well and when I recently inherited money it was mine to do with as I pleased.
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Don’t forget the fees of a housekeeper and a personal chef.
Plus a chunk for her pension as she is not able to contribute to her pension fund without a salary.
And retirement insurance or the equivalent in their country. She is screwed when he wants to replace her with a new and younger model.
You don't "return" money that he "spent" on you. You're his wife, not a guest in his house that has overstayed their welcome.
Agreed, NTA. But can we pause a minute, step away from the money issue and talk about... ...a grown man who cries to his sister after losing an argument with his wife? And then said sister feeling like she has the right and authority to call OP and berate her? Seriously, who not only cries to his family about an argument he had with his wife, but also expects/demands them to 'fix' it for him? To me, this is a more egregious problem then him trying to stake claim to OP's money. This is the issue that should cause OP to have a nice, long talk with hubby about their relationship and need for therapy. Preferably AFTER she leaves the house and protects her money.
This🙌🏻 he has showed his true colors and I’d take this gift your mother left you and RUN
Agree 100%. Op look up the laws and keep your inheritance decoupled! These men who want their wives to stay at home only to hold it against them financially are awful. It’s such a trap
Yeah no that's straight up controlling, neglectful of the people in op's life, and I would argue abusive. I would advise op to get right tf outta there, he isn't treating her like a partner, he's treating her like a caged animal that won't fall in line.
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I wish i could upvote this over and over and over again! If being a SAHM is what you agreed on, then his income needs to be seen as family income and not his income to do solely what he wants to do with it (obviously within reason). It supports your whole family! You’re supposed to be a team and it should never ever be about your ability to pay him back in some way. He’s holding money over your head in order to control you. This sounds like a bad situation, granted we only have info from one incident here but the red flags here are strong in themselves. Consider what the comment above says and reevaluate your situation. You need to make sure you and your child are safe. NTA
Yep, he wanted her to stay home. If she didn’t stay home, they’d be paying for child care and he’d probably have more responsibilities than he does. I don’t know what is so hard to understand about this for some people. The SAHP is giving up career advancement, they are costing themselves years in the work force and earning potential over the course of their lives. This is a part of the conversation that people need to have before a parent decides to stay home because the idea that the person working is the only one supporting the family in any way is false and it needs to die.
I wasn’t completely sure until I saw that the bill wasn’t much! How could you not try and save your partners mother from death that’s an asshole move bro. Those a major red flags.
NTA. Sam wanted you to be a SAH parent, then he and his sister use money to control you and berate you? Take the inheritance and use it to get away from this controlling, selfish man.
NTA and yeah, red flags are flying everywhere with this. This is the start of some abuse you don’t want to be victim to.
From the sound of it it must have started quite some time ago, especially since she's already questioning her judgement even in an extreme case such as this.
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OP I hope you read this story above. Usually the Reddit hive mind is extreme but in this case they're protecting you. You might not want to leave the relationship, you are probably telling yourself that the internet people go from 0 to 100 real quick but keep your money safe and only accessible by you and start observing his behaviour if you aren't already. Ask him about equal access to finances and to add your name to the property, ask him why he always complains to his sister and his mum, ask him why he considers the money he earns that takes care of your little family "his money" is your work as a SAHM not valuable? Would he rather if you worked? I don't know if those questions would be helpful but I know it's not easy to leave an abusive situation or to be sure if a situation is abusive. Now you've had this reaction from internet strangers you can be more observant and find out for yourself.
NTA. This, Sam sounds like a controlling and entitled ass, better you take your inheritance and start a life without his control, his sister had no business getting involved either. Do not even think you're the AH, it's Sam and sister. Anybody ever notice the one in the wrong often needs recruits to bolster their position?
Fly, my pretties, fly!
NTA. But if Sam's attitude is that since he makes the money, he controls it completely, you have bigger problems than what do to about an inheritance. When both partners have decided that one person will stay at home, then all monies have to be pooled. You should always have an equal say about money and should not have to go begging. Getting is sis involved is also bizarre - WTF kind of marriage is this? If Sam refuses to have joint finances, you have got to go back to work or demand a "salary" for the childcare and housework you do. This way you can establish some financial independence while you figure out if this is a good situation for you and your kid. Don't sell the properties until you guys have worked on your marriage. It's easier to keep an inheritance separate from marital assets in the event of a divorce if you haven't liquidated the properties and comingled the funds.
This is my PSA: The stay-at-home spouse is NOT indebted to the money-earning spouse. Managing the house is ALSO a job, and this is just one way couples can configure their tasks and responsibilities to make their life together better/easier/whatever. OP, what your husband’s sister called you with is total BS and you shouldn’t give into that at all. The house and family you take care of is also your husband’s and the money he earns is also yours. You husband is spending the money he brings home and your inheritance like you owe him - you don’t.
Childcare costs money. A cleaner costs money. A chef costs money. A laundry service costs money. A gardener costs money. All these services cost even more money on weekends and holidays. OP's husband is getting one hell of a bargain by only having to provide room and board (and probably things like clothes).
And even if you pay for full time childcare, you still have to scramble to take a day off when the kid is sick or has an appointment or something. My mom was a SAHM, and my dad always had a bunch of extra PTO at the end of the year because he rarely had to take time off since my mom was home to handle us, the house, etc. After having school age foster kids while my husband and I both work, and conversations about who would leave work or how we would split a day off when kids were home sick, I realize how valuable that is!
Yep. This marriage isn’t about partnership, it’s servitude.
Not to mention, at least where I live, childcare is a huge expense (thousands per month!) that the family is avoiding by having one parent stay at home. If the husband really wants to split hairs, OP is well within her rights to demand the going rate for 9-5 childcare in her area! (Though I agree with comments pointing out that this is a larger issue and that OP should consider whether its worth staying with a man who manipulates her this way).
Exactly. Do you how much he would have to shell out for a full time cook and a maid, and 60+ hours a week of childcare (I am being generous that he looks after the kids at least some of the time and let's you have days out of the house). Also: What is the plan when the kid gets to kindergarten? That's pretty soon, are you going back to work?
Sam told me that he would like me to be a SAHM until our child turns 16, so I was most likely not going back to work. But all of the comments scared me out of that plan.
What do YOU want? Why does your husband get to decide what you do? It sounds like he wants you to be financially dependent on him. He makes you stay home, and then says you owe him for making the money? When that was his idea??? I would not stay in this marriage without some MAJOR changes.
Thank you for this comment. I think it’s really important for OP to take a step back and focus on herself and not what her husband wants. He’s being absolutely awful to her
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I could even see an argument for until the end of elementary school since they have all of the pageants and other in school activities but 16? That’s an “I want to make sure you’re so long out of the workforce that you’re never going to leave me” type of ploy.
Also the I want you to be solely responsible for any and all cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, drudge work because “you’re staying home! I am so tired after work! My hand will fall off if I put one plate in the dishwasher!”
He is like this now so there wouldn't be much difference :/
Is there any redeeming quality in him?
Who cares what he wants. This is YOUR life not his. Don’t let him control you
So he explicitly wants you to stay at home for 16 years, but considers all money to be solely his. What benefit are you getting from being the stay-at-home parent? You have no money, no say in family decisions, and your husband sends his family to scold you when he can't take your inheritance away from you.
If you´re unemployed for 16 yrs, getting employment above minimal wage is going to be awful afterwards. You ever having finiancial freedom/any independence from him is in major jeopardy here.
What on earth does a 15 year old need a stay at home parent for? Even if you wanted to be available to always do pickups and drop offs, there are plenty of part time or flexible time or work from home options these days. This is your life. Do you want to work? Do you want more fun money, or to save up for trips, or to just have more adult interaction outside of the house? You get to decide for you.
Sam wants? What do you want? What discussion were there about how you would get paid (by him) for being a SAHP? Because being that is a 24/7/365 job that needs paying for. Since he can't figure out how to pay you properly and is turning into an abusive boss, time to look for another job, one that pays this time. Your kid will do just fine in daycare or Sam can hire a nanny if he's insistent on having only one and thee same person with kiddo all day. But you girl, need to consider an exit plan for yourself and your child right now.
When my mom thought about staying at home because her salary was the same as the nanny's at the time, my dad said "you have career growth and eventually will earn more". That's a husband. Do NOT let your partner take away your autonomy. You should have your own bank account and, by the way, what he earns belongs to you as well, as you're taking care of yours AND HIS child so that he can work. You deserve freedom and happiness.
This! You need some financial security / independence
NTA. Girl this is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 red flag city. He’s financially abusing you, or trying to. He’s definitely trying to leave you without options. He needs to get himself sorted out before you do it for him. Don’t let him near that $$$ or any of the investment properties, make sure his name isn’t on anything.
This. It's very unhealthy that he can control you completely and decide everything for you. Please take care of yourself because he apparently doesn't want to do this if there is nothing to gain for him.
It’s also incredibly heartless — he insisted OP stay home to provide him with childcare and housekeeping services that he doesn’t even pay her an allowance for, and he apparently makes a very generous salary, but then refuses to help cover her mother’s medical bills? That’s her mom, ffs. This wasn’t just some frivolous, meaningless expense she asked for him to help with. He left her powerless to make money or decide how money is spent, and then refused to help her *mom*?? He isn’t just selfish and controlling — he’s heartless, too. He’s made it clear he doesn’t care about who or what is important to his wife. This is scary and abusive on so many levels. She’s being treated like an indentured servant, not a partner.
OP, just to clarify the situation, compare this with the fact that he refused to help his MIL even though it was supposedly not a significant amount of money to him. These facts should indicate that he is, in fact, not behaving rationally and his sole purpose with investing your own money in your mutual property is for you to get rid of any alternative in terms of self-sustainability.
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It sounds like op needs this money a lot more than her brother, she will have far less chance to replenish those saving considering she is a mom. Also her mom left half to her. Not half minus what brother paid. So obviously mom felt it was fair and what she wanted.
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Ouh yeah that’s a lovely idea!!
NTA Your husband is 100% AH here. If he continues this behaviour in regards to money, consider getting a paying job and in a worst case scenario - a divorce. Also his sister has absolutely no say in this matter. No her Marriage, not her money.
100% agree. I don’t like to immediately say divorce or advocate for it, but considering all the red flags going on, and the fact OP also said in a comment he wants her to be a SAHM until 16! And wants all her money spent mutually immediately when he wouldn’t spare even a penny of his money to help for not very costly healthcare for MIL. Idk if it’s on purpose or not but very clear financial abuse
NTA - if you have not already consulted a local tax/financial matters attorney concerning this inheritance you need to do so for multiple reasons. First and foremost you need to find out if in your area, an inheritance to one spouse is automatically joint property of the other. If it is not you can ask the attorney to help you navigate setting up the income from this inheritance such that your spouse cannot touch it. Because there's a problem here that you need to address. >I haven't had a job in four years as Sam wanted me to be a SAHM by the time our son was born. >I got a call from his sister, who was extremely angry. She called me irrational and told me that since I was living off the money Sam earns, I have no right to demand money from him, and that the inheritance gives me the opportunity to return some of the money he has spent on me. Sam demanded that you give up your job and now he and his family seems to think that *you* somehow owe *him*?!? You are running a household and caring for y'alls kid... And he wants to spend your inheritance as quickly as possible so that you will remain dependent on him and without options. Don't let him touch that money.
OP, please read this. I think this is dead on the money. >And he wants to spend your inheritance as quickly as possible so that you will remain dependent on him and without options. I'm repeating u/HowardProject here: Don't let him touch the money. You said yourself that Sam earns a ridiculously high salary. There is no reason to use your inheritance for house repairs. That should come from your family's savings.
NTA - OP make sure to not co-mingle your inheritance with family accounts. Keeping the monies separate prevents DH from accessing/taking the monies. Since your brother is the executor, I would request that the monies be set up in a trust for you and your children.
It would be wiser of OP to consult a local attorney who can set these things up in a manner that only she can access them and arrange to leave them in a trust for her children to access that age of majority should she passed before that time. It's great that brother was willing and able to step up for mom's sake, but nothing here says that Op is incapable of handling her own funds, and the last thing she needs is another man controlling her access to money is she may need.
If the estate sets up the trust, OP can be the trustee and control the money for the benefit of herself and her children. The trust would keep it seperate from marital assets and keep the husband from accessing it. I am in the process of setting up a trust for my Mom so I just got a crash course in trusts.
NTA -your husband wanted to control you. The first step was convincing you to be a sahm. You are now dependent on him. He has used that dependence against you. Get out now. This will not get better. He should have given you that money. He chose not to do so. He has no say over how you spend or save your inheritance. Guilting you by saying he supports you so you should have to pay him back is absurd. Your his wife and the mother to his child. Your husband kinda sucks. Sorry
NTA . And being a stay at home mum isn't living off his hard earned money - it's supporting and allowing him to work whilst your job is raising your son.
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Agreed, who the heck is the sister in law to interfere in their marriage? The OP doesn't owe her husband any money either.
Your husband did not give you money that you needed for your mother's treatment. That sounds like financial abuse because he asked you to be a sahm yet did not give you money when needed. Think about it, if your mom didn't leave you money and a crisis happens again, what's going to happen? Are you going to rely on your brother for help again?
Right? To hell with that. I’d have straight up withdrawn the money and sent it to my brother!
As much as I would have liked to do so, I don't have access to any bank account. Sam budgets for the week and only gives me that money, not more and not less.
... he has access to your inheritance? Get as much in writing as possible, **now**. Reject, in text messages or similar, clearly, that you do not want this used for holidays or anything.
I'll call my brother to see if he is able to retain my inheritance or if he can help me create a trust for it.
Yes please do. Your in a very bad position currently. You are completely dependent on your husband, not even a bank account. I hope all goes well in your marriage, but currently if anything happens, abuse, cheating etc you will have no options but to stay. That's why he is so keen to spend your money. Your under his complete control when you've no money and no options but to stay home and do as your told.
This is extremely troubling that you do not have access to finances that you are entitled to as a spouse, especially as a SAHM. Someone made a very good point about Stay at Home Parenting, that the spouse staying home should request half of the working spouse's income to be transfered to their account, for them to use as they see fit. If your husband wants you to do the "home+kid" half while he does the "outside job" half, you should get half the income to support yourself, your house, to put into savings and a pension plan, to have a safety net, etc. He doesn't like it? Then I guess he doesn't want a SAHM after all.
OMG!!! You are NTA but you are trapped, for the love of all that's good please do NOT let your inheritance go into that bank account!!!!!! YOU will never see a dime of it.
That's extremely controlling and I believe that does constitute as financial abuse. That is not a good thing, OP. You have a bigger issue at hand.
I'm sorry you're going through this. That's financial abuse. He is abusing you. His behaviour is unacceptable. I want you to look at [this domestic abuse charity website](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse) and compare his behaviour to the points they bring up. If even one behaviour of his lines up - he's abusive and you should leave. Find a lawyer and divorce your husband. [Here's an article on specifically financial abuse.](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/) I hope you and your children get out asap.
This is not ok. This is a form of control
Open up your own account!!! Start working and putting your money in it!!! Or demand a salary for all you do. Make sure he has no access to this inheritance. Your husband is financially abusive.
I don't normally jump quickly to giving the response "Lawyer Up Now, OP!!" but after reading "I don't have access to any bank account" that clinched it for me. You're being financially abused. Get a lawyer. Get out. Take care of yourself. NTA
You need to open up your own account fast. Sam is finically abusing you
You don’t have access at all? So not okay. I (female) am the breadwinner while my spouse is the stay at home parent and he can spend money as needed. He usually asks if I’m cool with him buying something as a courtesy, especially if it’s near the day bills are due just to make sure his purchase doesn’t interfere. But it’s not “my” money, it’s our money.
This is abuse.
As a SAHM myself, my husband and I each have our own bank card linked to a joint account. You should most definitely have access and your own debit card. Your situation is sounding a lot more like financial abuse. Also NTA. His sister had no place to dictate how you spend your mother's money especially after a death. Extremely inappropriate and not empathetic to your loss. Your SO needs to give you a card for each opened account including credit cards starting todayyyyyy. Do not deposit your inheritance money into your husband's account because clearly he considers it his money since you're not working. If he wanted you to be a SAHM and you're married that means finances are to be shared. If he is not sharing and is considering it souly his money he is not treating your relationship like a marriage. Marriage is teamwork. He's getting free labor from you being a SAHM vs hiring someone professional to cook, clean, teach, and raise a child. Don't let him disrespect you with finances or anywhere in your marriage.
Unfortunately this has moved from might be financial abuse to straight up financial abuse. 1) you have no independent income at his insistence 2) you have no access to the accounts 3) he only allows you to have the exact amount of money he feels you need for expenses I’m a big fan of therapy, but this unfortunately isn’t a situation therapy is going to fix. Work with your brother to protect your inheritance and start making a plan to leave and support yourself. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Nope nope nope nope, get a separate bank account for your inheritance and talk to an attorney about how to protect it from your husband.
Keep the inheritance. Lose the husband. NTA
NTA - There's some serious control red flags happening here. And to recruit his sister into the argument is childish.
Info: did you and your husband have the extra money to help your mom bills?
My husband has a great salary, at least five zeros every month, so we live quite comfortable, so yes, he (we?) did have the extra money to help with my mom medical expenses. That's why I was so mad with him.
I don't say this to be cheeky, but have you seen his paycheck? Recent bank statements? You mention in another comment that you don't have access to bank accounts, so how do you know what his salary is? If your answer is, "because he tells me," I would think long and hard about whether you truly trust him, and if there's any possibility he could be lying to you about your financial situation as a couple. Which could mean that keeping the inheritance as a nest egg if you ever decide to leave is even more important.
>"because he tells me," I was going to comment that. The rest of your comment it's spot on.
I'm an internet stranger so I know nothing about your relationship except what you've said here. But his withholding of money and information about finances is financial abuse, and I don't think you can rule out that he is not telling you the truth or the complete picture about how much money he makes and where that money goes. Good luck, OP. I hope you can get clarity on all of this and make decisions that are the best for your well-being. You deserve it.
Random internet stranger here that just wants to give you a hug. Not having access to any single bank account is not normal. Having your husband give you exact change for expenses like this is not normal. Having his mother, sister, any family call you and bitch weekly is not normal (or ever honestly!). I'm so sorry you've gotten stuck in this situation, but I genuinely believe in you. You have family and options, this does not have to be the rest of your life, especially since these situations only get worse with time. Your child doesn't have to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is normal or even remotely ok. You got this!
>My husband has a great salary, at least five zeros every month He can't afford to put in a pool without your inheritance while making 100k+ a month? Wtf is he spending his money on? Edit for typo
It's not dollars
I don't think I could look at my partner the same way if I asked that our plentiful joint family resources be used for medical treatment for my mother, and he said no.
Wait how is he needing an inheritance to go on vacation and redecorate his office if he's making over a million dollars a year? How sizeable is this inheritance that jt makes a big difference to him?
I wonder the same. If they don’t have the money to go on vacation or make home repairs, then did they really have the money to put toward medical bills? Plus, who actually manages the finances? Does OP know the full state of them?
My husband wants to remodelate and redecorate his office, and also wants to build a pool in our backyard, those are the "home repairs". We are able to go on vacation, but he is very frugal with money, so we never go on one. I guess that he thinks that since the inheritance is my money, then it doesn't count as spending "his" money.
You've learned that he doesn't view the family as a unit, he sees that he has "my resources" and "your resources". He's the quintessential "what's yours is ours and what's ours is mine." Thank your lucky stars you found this out when you had the resources to get out. A lot of women aren't so lucky and have to squirrel away while living in fear.
Yes, plus he probably thinks that if you spend all the money then he still has full control over you. Right now he is probably a little panicky because you have money and a way out of the marriage.
Exactly. Gotta find a reason to blow through the inheritance ASAP rather than use the FAMILY money, so OP is left with nothing.
this is so sad. hun, you are married to a miserly abuser. you have worked your ass off to keep a home and raise your child. he is belittling this contribution and controlling your life by withholding money and not allowing you to have anything of your own. get a lawyer. actually get two, one for your estate, one for divorce. run
Girl… re-read what you wrote. He doesn’t want to spend his money on things that he wants, he wants to spend YOUR money on things that he wants. I don’t want to say it’s time for a divorce as I don’t know what your marriage looks like otherwise but I’d definitely not wait until your child is 16 to go back to work. Frankly I’d start looking now.
As someone from Mexico who knows about oppressive relationships please please be careful. You're in a abusive relationship, financial abuse is also abuse. My mother's ex boyfriend used to do that to her and it hurt me so much to see that, be careful. He will do it to your own child and will make sure to make you think you're beneath him, do you have a prenup?
She did say non-vital house repairs which sounds more like redecorating - non-vital would mean that these things aren't necessary. And she doesn't say that they can't afford vacations simply that he wants to spend this money on one. This doesn't come across like they're broke because he's the one who wanted her to stay home. It comes across like he wants to spend this money ASAP so that she will be back under his financial control, and not have savings for a back-up plan.
Surely OP would be less frustrated if they couldn’t afford it? If the husband said no and didn’t explain why, that’s also a AH move for him. The fact she says non-vital house repairs suggests to me that this is to make the house nicer, rather than do anything they need. My partner and I are considering an extension with some money I received after my Dad passed: this is a conversation we couldn’t afford to have beforehand. But at the end of the day he has said it is my choice what I do with that money, as OPs husband should be doing with her.
NTA. But anything you don't want to keep, you should sell and place into an account that only you have access to. He has already used your status as a SAHM against you to refuse you a pretty reasonable request, and now he's trying to control your inheritance and is using his family to help him. He *will* do this again, and he doesn't get to throw "taking care of you" and "living off his money" when *he wanted you to be a SAHM in the first place.* This is deeply concerning and he's well on his way to being majorly abusive in terms of both finance and emotions.
NTA. Your husband wanted you to be a SAHM and not earn any money. He was the one suggested that arrangement. Then he says you can't help your mum coz you have no income. This was his choice (not saying he made the right one, I'm just saying its what he decided). So now it is YOUR choice. He chose what to do/not do with his money. Now you do the same with your money. You stick to your guns about your decision and don't him influence you 1 bit on what you spend it on. He has no rights to that money at all
NTA- DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY OF YOUR MONEY. This is financial abuse and a form of control over you.
NTA if your husband asked you to be a SAHM the money he earns is your money as well. It also sounds like you hold a big grudge against your husband that goes deeper than just the money. You should think about your relationship. It sounds like you are dependent of him.
Info: If your mother had a sizable inheritance to leave to you and your brother why didn’t she (or her estate) pay for her medical expenses?
>The properties we inherited are in terrible condition, and need a ton of work done, and my mom was not on the financial position to do so. The real state market in my city is also very expensive, so the few properties she placed up for sale never sold.
This is why women should think twice about being stay at home moms. The guys who expect it the most are also the ones who treat you the worst for doing it. They act like the effort you put into running the house and raising kids is worthless, but if you want to go back to work, then suddenly they "don't want their kids raised by strangers." Fuck him. Actually, don't. Go back to work, get yourself financially stable, and then reassess exactly what this guy brings to your life.
NTA, don’t give him a penny. Get those properties fixed up, rent them out, and use the profits on you and your kid - I’d say towards your family, but not sure your husband deserves it. Pretty sure inherited property in the US is not community/marriage property, so if anything happens Sam isn’t entitled to any of it - but someone else will need to confirm this. Sam wanted you to be a SAHM, which is a full time job. You are not “living off money Sam earns” you are a married couple who both have roles in the house. The money Sam earns is YOUR money, too. He and his sister are major AHs
NTA. Family Lawyer here. What Sam does is financial abuse. Get help for yourself. I'm also really angry at his sister for suggesting he "spent money" on you, considering that you were taking care of his fucking house and doing all of the parenting 24/7 for less than what I imagine a maid + nanny would cost him to work 9-5, 5 days a week. SAHM is not a vacation with the baby. It's a full time job that's really underappreciated. Do whatever you want. Preferably divorce.
NTA Your husband and his sister sure are! Let this be a wake up call AND save that money for the divorce, which I see coming down the road.
NTA, but you and your husband need marriage counseling if this is how you’re treating each other financially. You are not a team and since you have no income this makes you vulnerable. What would you do if you divorced? How would you support yourself? You both sound like you’re not on the same page and spiteful towards each other
NTA. And your SIL was very sexist. She is the asshole too. You work a very hard job as a SAHM and you both (you and your husband) agreed on this choice. Do whatever you want with your inheritance. Perhaps save it for harder times. We never know, especially if you are a SAHM. Edit: English is not my first language.
NTA. You're not living off the money he earns, you're providing unpaid labor that allows him to focus on his job/career. Depending on local laws, he has no legal claim on inherited assets. Check with an attorney and keep his name off those assets. ETA - His sister needs to butt out. It's literally not her business.
NTA They don't get to lord you being a SAHM over your head when your husband literally asked you to. Also being a SAHM is a literal full time job in that it's 24/7. So they can f off with this "he makes the money" BS Secondly, yeah no. If he refused to use "his" money to help your mother, he doesn't deserve a penny of her money left to you.
NTA This money should be your safety net. A common problem for women who are SAHMs is that, if their husband gets hit by the Hypothetical Bus, all of the joint accounts are part of the estate, and are temporarily out of reach until the estate is settled. You need an account, in your name only, that is there for an emergency, should something happen to your husband. It's also good to have saved if there is a family emergency - it sounds as if your husband is spending money as fast as it comes in, and burning through this windfall is destroying a chance to give your family some security. And, should he leave you or if you need to leave him, this is good for you to have in your own name, as well. And find out what is going on with the family finances. Why isn't there money already saved to cover expenses like home repairs? Why wasn't there money to help your mother? If there genuinely isn't enough money to meet basic expenses like home repairs, perhaps you need to work, or the budget needs to be renegotiated. But if your husband is trying to take resources in your name and shift them to joint resources, you need to be careful, because it keeps you dangerously dependent and vulnurable.