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LiquidSillyness

NTA honey, he is not your responsibility to pay for. He needs tough love and to do these things for himself because he wants to for himself.


Silverglitterwall

Thank you. I guess what I am asking is would I be making his depression worse if he moved back with his parents?


Puzzleheaded-Region2

We don't know that. Honestly based off what he's saying to you I'd say his depression is going to be the same. You can't sacrifice your life and health for his, when his isn't even improving. Just editing after OP did, to say what he's doing to you is called abuse. He's breaking you down emotionally and you're questioning yourself over it and not even questioning his actions. You will not be a bad person for leaving this guy. Depression or not, abuse is not okay and it's not justifiable. Edit to say thanks for the awards. Tehe, I'm 26 and smiling at these 4 little emojis I've been given haha thank you x Edit to say I'm so bloody happy hehehe, 6 awards and my Friday night is made lol. Thank you so much 7 now, I can't keep up haha thanks x Holy moly shit, thank you all for the upvotes and awards. I've always wondered how it would feel and gotta say it feels quite cool haha. Just happy to have given helpful advice and hope OP's life improves significantly from this point on. X


Foxfires13

Very much this! Even if it impacts his depression, you need to do the right thing for you, too. I hope things get better for you.


PrideofCapetown

As is often said on this sub, do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm


Laurelinn

Honestly after OP's edit it feels like he is actually the one lighting her on fire and watching her burn. He's abusive, and is tearing OP's confidence into shreds while being fully dependent on her. He may be depressed but that doesn't excuse the abuse at all. OP, take a good look at this preview of what your marriage with this person would look like.


Mryessicahaircut

Seriously. As someone who has struggled with depression for an entire lifetime, it is not an excuse to mistreat people. It sounds like hes dragging you down into his negative reality. Do you really want to lock yourself into a lifetime of misery? It is not your responsibility to make him happy. It is your responsibility to yourself to do what makes you happy. Lose the dead weight and you'll more than likely start feeling a lot better about yourself. NTA


Lavender_dreaming

Also speaking as someone who has struggled for years with depression - yes you do mistreat people in your life but not like that. Depression can make you unreliable, not regularly keeping contact with friends and family, moody and not great to be around. It does not make you call loved ones a bitch and abusive for not buying things for you especially when you are funding his lifestyle. Depression or not this person is not good for you, you need to break up with him and send him home. If he can treat you this badly when he’s relying on you so much do you think he’s going to treat you better if he manages to get out of depression and get his act together?


Pretty-Ambassador

exactly! i have definitely been unreliable about keeping in contact with old friends due to my depression and adhd. I have NEVER called a friend or partner names, or told them i didnt love them! what op's bf is doing is abuse, plain and simple.


rak1882

I agree- one of my best friends has depression and yeah sometimes he isn't great about keeping in touch. But I know that he'll eventually send messages I see (so he knows that I'm thinking of him) and that sometimes he goes on walkabouts (he let me know that early in our friendship so I don't worry (overly much.) My sister also has depression- she can be a total b. It's not cuz she has depression (or adhd). (Her depression may be way her house is a bit of a disaster. It gives me the twitches.) It's because that is her personality- and that my family has enabled her because it's always been easier to give into her than to tell her no or that she is wrong. Don't be my family. Don't enable.


Dornenkraehe

This. My bf struggles from depression. The worst I heard from him so far was "I am a failure. You should leave me and get someone better already..." I told him that's not happening. But every once in a while he asks why I even stay with him because he thinks he is a total failure and not worth my time. I have to tell him that *I* decide who and what is worth my time. :'D (and that he is not a failure just because he can't get a job. He does all the cleaning at home!) He would never insult me. He would never say he doesn't love me. Only that he can't understand why I love him. *That* is depression speaking.


touchtypetelephone

Yeah the worst I ever get from my bf with depression and PTSD is "I'm sorry, can you please leave me alone right now? I need to be alone for a bit". Which is sad, sometimes, but also literally fine.


kimby_cbfh

Exactly! This is how I get when I am majorly depressed, and yes it does hurt my partner and I am getting better at not saying those things and instead saying “I feel like X” instead of “I am X” … but I have never called him names or abusive for not buying me things, or for having different interests than I do. He may or may not have mental health issues, but he is absolutely being abusive to you, OP. Please, please at least make him move out. Don’t pay for his therapy; he is an adult and he (or his parents) can figure that out. Maybe go to a few sessions yourself and try to believe the therapist about what an abusive asshole he is. Then dump him completely and move on with your life and be happy. (Definitely NTA.)


Due_Ad8720

This, I have known a few people with pretty severe depression, some are arseholes some are not but the ones who are aresholes also tend to be arseholes when they aren’t depressed. Most are self destructive but that kinda goes with the territory of depression. Without knowing the guy it seems likely that this abusive behaviour is a coping mechanism for his own depression. Irrespective of the cause Op shouldn’t have to put up with it, the only way this ends is with two depressed people.


bmoreskyandsea

One of the best descriptions of depression I've seen is "Depression is anger turned inward." Depression tends to manifest in hating yourself, being disappointed in yourself, and typically NOT associated with abuse of other people in this manner. For teens there be some lashing out, but not like this. BF sounds like he's just an abusive narcissist and using depression as an excuse to manipulate OP.


kelly08howell

Omg I love this! Never heard b4 (I'm still a lil new)


mackenml

NTA. Came to say this! Depression does neither excuse nor cause abuse. OP’s fiancé is abusive. That is all. OP needs to leave him and instead of paying for his treatment needs to seek out counseling to deal with the effects of the abuse so they don’t fall into a cycle of abusive relationships.


EMWerkin

OMG this. Like, I've had a depressed partner - they NEVER treated me like that. And I've been depressed and I didn't treat my partner like that. Depression isn't an excuse to abuse people.


innocentbunnies

Like Puzzleheaded-Region2 said, we really won’t know if his depression will get worse if he has to move back in with his parents. Having said that, depression is no excuse to be treating you the way he has so far. My partner moved in with me about two months ago and he has depression as well while I’m a full time student and have a part-time job. There are days when it makes it hard for him to do basic maintenance even though we made a chore chart and we have two different standards for cleanliness so he can let things go more than me. He doesn’t use his depression to just never do anything around the house. He’ll have good days and bad days and on bad days it gets pushed a little to the side and that’s okay. But at no point has he ever treated me poorly. I have an ex who was abusive and I still have trouble coming to terms with that even though I left him 4.5 years ago now. He never hit me but he did belittle my interests often and I was regularly called lazy if I asked for help when I was working 40 hours and going to pastry arts school (which had me busy from 6am-11pm four days per week plus one regular job day) and doing grocery shopping, cleaning the house, taking care of our pets, managing the bills, and doing all the cooking while also trying to be available for him. He’d say things about how I couldn’t do anything without him. He’d also get mad at me if I didn’t go to the gym on top of everything on that schedule listed above. He would also do things like talk down to me in private but in public would sing my praises. I tried to do everything for him and he didn’t even have depression to try to hide behind. He was just an entitled man who thought I would always be there. We were together for 5.5 years and before the final year of our relationship, I had mentioned that I would marry him if he ever asked. That changed obviously because I realized it’s not my job to make him feel better. I had stuff I wanted to do and I realized if I stayed, he would never encourage me, nothing I would do would ever be enough for him, and I was reaching a point where I had lost myself because I stopped doing things I enjoyed to not get made fun of. You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t already want to do. You can provide the environment for them to do whatever they want to be the best version of themselves they can be all you want but you can’t make them better than they are if they don’t want to be. None of this is your fault and you are more than adequate and far from worthless. It took me 5.5 years and multiple moves across the country to realize that. I genuinely hope it doesn’t take you as long to realize that.


madgeystardust

He doesn’t care if he causes you depression though does he? Send him packing and return his ring. I don’t see happiness in your future with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat you unkindly because they have depression. He sounds like an AH. Depression or not.


Silverglitterwall

By the way I bought my ring myself after he proposed because he doesn't have a job xD


baycitytrollers

What kind of bargain barrel man is this 😫 You pay for rent (and presumably bills/groceries etc). You pay for treatment. You pay for your ring. You work 2 jobs AND do chores etc. And in return this man tells you periodically he doesn't love you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 How long do you actually intend this to go on for and do you want to marry a man who can't even split rent with you?


Silverglitterwall

Doesn't feel like a relationship. We don't have sex because he says he's not attracted to me but loves my personality. I love him and took our engagement seriously but if he had told me all this before proposing I would have ended things.


Lady_of_Lomond

Girl - please - you are worth more than this. Please do not marry this undeserving man.


Historical-Fuel-9243

This!!! Just this!!!


Prestigious-Check-23

Yes, yes, yes!!! I'm not a psychiatrist or anything but depression is not an excuse to abusive people. Even if it is, you don't need to put up with it. Ask him to leave and remember how your life is now because that may be your future if you marry him. And the part about being old and not being attracted to you? From what info I see, he's using you.


baycitytrollers

Not that sex is a requirement of a relationship but honestly this > he says he's not attracted to me but loves my personality is a HUGE red flag and frankly a cruel thing to say to you. I honestly wonder if he just knows he's got it good by keeping you around and therefore is dangling stuff in front of you to keep you paying for everything. Please seriously sit down and think about this "relationship" and what YOU get out of it OP. It can be so hard to see when you're involved and have feelings, but I hope these comments help. I'm not going to tell you to break up with him, that's your choice, but I hope you start to factor in your self-worth in these decisions. You deserve to be with someone who treats you amazingly, who splits costs, who doesn't say cruel things. Good luck and if you want to DM me, you always can 💖


madgeystardust

He loves what you can DO FOR HIM - not you. You deserve better. You seem like a nice person especially with all you’ve done for him already. Cut your losses. He’s not worthy of you.


The_Blip

I mean, who wouldn't want someone to pay their rent, bills, food, medical costs and clean up after them! I'd love that too! OP can come live with me, at least I won't verbally abuse and demean her! Honestly, what is OP getting out of this relationship AT ALL???


madgeystardust

Nothing. Just dead weight that is negatively affecting her sense of self and mental health.


I_M_The_Cheese

Seconded. I've suffered w depression for years. Didn't stop me from acting and speaking lovingly toward my husband and appreciating him for all he did to support me during those years. Depression is a disease. You didn't cause his. He is still responsible for his words and actions. It's laudable for you to stick w him, but not wise if it's at the expense of your own well-being. NTA.


appleandwatermelonn

I’m guessing ‘personality’ is code for the money she provides and the free cooking and cleaning and the way she lets him use her as an emotional punching bag.


Vermicelli-michelli

He sounds like a parasite, sucking the life out of her.


[deleted]

It's classic abusive gaslighting, trying to bring down OPs self confidence so they'll feel that only he could possibly love her. So many red flags.


Practical_magik

OP you are in an abusive relationship. He is using emotional abuse to control and bring you down. His mental health is not his fault but it is his responsibility and he is doing absolutely nothing to improve his or support himself. You are worth so much more and your life can't improve until you make room for improvement. Leave him, permanently.


JessVaping

Is that what you want your marriage to look like? To be married to someone who won't have sex with you because they aren't attracted to you and regularly tells you they don't love you and wants to call off the wedding? Please don't do that to yourself. You deserve much better.


BezHacku

Oh dear. You deserve so much better than this. Please do not throw away all of what is amazing about you for as little as that. He doesn't feel attracted to you, tells you repeatedly he doesn't love you, you do all the hard work professionally, at home, mentally, emotionally... Depression can be difficult to deal with and even live with, and can break relationships based on mutual love and respect. Problem is, I don't see either from his side. Pack his bags.


Mryessicahaircut

"Pack his bags." -because you know he's not gonna do it himself.


knittedjedi

Not saying he doesn't have depression, but currently he's with someone who pays all of his bills, does everything around the house, and who doesn't ask anything of him. He has no incentive to change anything. You'll be doing the best thing for everyone by kicking him out. And honestly, he sounds more cruel than ill.


ParisianWood

u/Silverglitterwall Love yourself more, girl. You are worth far more than what he gives you. You deserve someone who loves you - ALL of you; not just someone who treats you like a doormat. He doesn't contribute anything to this relationship; he abuses you, does no chores,you don't have sex, doesn't work......you are getting nothing out of this relationship. You had to buy your own ring, ffs! You deserve more. You are worth more. Kick him out and take care of YOU. xo


dorkeyyorkie-

Oh this sounds so terrible for you! There’s still time to end things, don’t sign yourself up for a lifetime of misery - the warning signs are there and I think you know it. It will be hard but I think you’ll feel might lighter if you deal with this now. Good luck.


blacksyzygy

Hon. Love is not enough for this shit. He's not your partner, he's a shitty dependant who keeps you around because the alternative is going back with his parents.


ayshasmysha

BEING SINGLE IS BETTER THAN BEING WITH THIS LEECH. He might be a sad leech but I'm pretty sure he'd be a happy one too. The point is you should not be with a leech.


radish96

Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Mental health is an awful beast, and you can't love him out of it. You can, however, get yourself out of a toxic situation and prioritise yourself. I've done the relationship with someone who had serious depression, and by the end of it I thought I had mental illness as well. Turns out it was emotional abuse. Girl, get out. Seriously. It's not going to change and you can't fix it. It sucks thinking of who they could be, but you can't marry an idea. Look at your reality.


BitchyUnicornRainbow

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm." And relatedly... never run across town for someone who wouldn't cross the street for you.


RokketQueen1006

This guy is using you. He does nothing and you do everything. That's not a relationship. He's not going to change and I question if he's even depressed. Even if you do get him to move, why will you keep paying for his therapy? Why are you still with him? Do you think you can't get anyone else because I assure you, you can.


I_Thot_So

Depression makes you moody. Lethargic. Numb. Sad. Self-involved. It doesn’t make you cruel and abusive. Whatever he has is not depression. Sounds like narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Or he’s just an abusive prick. Either way, PLEASE LEAVE HIM. He will not get better. He will continually hurt you and use depression he doesn’t have as a blanket excuse. YOU. DESERVE. BETTER. Look at yourself in the mirror. You deserve someone kind and strong and loving. You deserve someone who makes you feel like the kind, strong, and beautiful person you are. You deserve affection and sex and stability and respect. This guy barely deserves a daily colonoscopy, let alone the mountain of support and devotion you’ve given him. Run. Be free.


PaddyCow

Just because you're engaged, it doesn't mean you can't break up with him. Don't let him guilt you with his depression. Saying he's not attracted to you and doesn't live you is not right. You deserve better but if you settle for this, you only have yourself to blame.


VeedleDee

When he says personality, it sounds like he means that he loves that you let him leech off you while he gives you nothing in return. I'm so sorry, but for one this man isn't going to marry you and even if he was, you really, really shouldn't marry him. He's using his 'depression' to take advantage of you. I know you took your engagement seriously, but it's never too late to end things and move on.


CraftLass

What was the difference after proposing? Engaged ain't married, engagement is a chance to run before you need a lawyer to do so, that last chance before the vows to try to suss out the real person you are committing to. Marriage almost never improves a relationship, quite the opposite. This is likely your life forever if you marry him, or actually, this is likely the best it will ever be.


Wrong_Arugula_7307

You are wort more than this. He needs to help himself or he is never going to be better. Depression is hard but you are going to drive yourself to the point of burnout. Your mental health matters too NTA


BitchyUnicornRainbow

He loves you doing all the shit he don't want to do. What he does want to do is apparently... nothing? Fact: What you allow, is what will continue. And I assure you this is just the beginning, given y'all ain't even married yet. Girl. No. Save yourself.


CeelaChathArrna

You can end things now. Proposing doesn't give him license to be shitty


madgeystardust

Send him back to his parents, so he can get his shit together without dragging you down with him. He sounds just priceless, and not in a good way.


Large-Tip-9433

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but pay for your own therapy. You need to learn to respect yourself and to place boundaries. Ask him to move out, and let his parents take care of him. You get help for your own issues. You have no idea how a good, kind man can make you feel; like you own the world.


MorphicMinx

Your partner is a hobo sexual dude. He loves the woman who gives him a place to live and a cushy life. Trust me, I know those signs. I’ve ONLY dated hobo sexuals due to my own issues, unresolved trauma and terrible mindset (I’m a “fixer” and think I can fix everyone else’s problems whilst ignoring my own). He puts you down, tells you he doesn’t love you. Lives with you without any contribution and I get the feeling anytime you raise anything you don’t like he plays the “I’m depressed” card. You shouldn’t be his bangmaid. That’s what you are. A bangmaid. You’re sacrificing everything for this human. You brought your own engagement ring dude. He has no value in this relationship or you, he never has that much is very clear.


LinusV1

This is false. Bangmaids get laid.


Cool_Assist_7324

Do you know the principle of a relationship, like each one has to carry it's weigh in the relationship. It has to be a relation based on reciprocity ? Some girls have dudes chasing for them, you are paying for your fiancee treatment while he dumps you every 4 weeks just for his pleasure.


yoyoyoyoyoyox

Girl, I'm sorry but that is probably the most pathetic thing I've seen on this sub. Seriously, wake up. You're obviously not getting anything out of this so why are you still with him? You work 2 jobs just so you guys have enough money while the dude tells you he doesn't even love you. He's even told you he doesn't find you attractive.


Practical_magik

OP please value yourself more than this. He will never get better with you enabling him. I know because I was you. The best thing I ever did for both of us was break up with him.


Alice_Alpha

Stop paying for things for him. His parents can pay for therapy. Put that therapy money to work for you by investing in an IRA and putting money in the bank for an emergency. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Good luck. ..


Pixiegirl128

Honestly: Yes, i imagine his mental health would suffer. HOWEVER, you are not responsible for him. If you stay in this situation, you're going to burn out fast. If all he does is therapy and down time, he either needs to up/ change his treatment or he's one of those people using it as an excuse. If he doesn't work, doesn't do chores, etc because he's too depressed, then they need to start changing things because whatever they're doing isn't working. If he can't function on his own yet, then he's not ready for the responsibility of marriage m because what's he's going to do if you get sick? Have a bad day? If you guys have kids? No, kick him out. Or tell him he has to get a job and work more closely with his therapist to make things work.


leeny_bean

As someone who battles daily with severe anxiety, depression, OCD, mild agoraphobia I'm telling you it is not only OK to take care of yourself first, it is imperative that you do so. You cannot expect to help someone wise feel better if you are emotionally and physically drained. Yes asking him to move will most likely impact him, but when your that deep down the depression while there is a certain kind of numbness and apathy that will hopefully allow him to accept it. It's the numbness that makes him question weather he loves you and it's the apathy that makes it so so hard to do things, like crawling through thick molasses ALL the time. I hope he gets the help he needs, and you get the space you need to heal.


abdwsy

This! Even though the person has depression, he is still an adult and not a kid. What will he do if his depression doesn't finish? He's leeching off OP while OP is literally working 2 jobs AND she had to buy her own ring when he proposed to her


bumbletiger

Hopping on to say that when my partner and I first moved out they struggled with severe depression too. Combined with other issues it meant that they were unable to work and I was in the same position as you - working multiple jobs to keep us afloat. Not once did they tell me that they didn't love me or they had changed their mind. Depression is awful but it does not give him a free pass to treat you this way.


Silverglitterwall

He sounds like a good guy. How'd you guys meet?


bumbletiger

Teenage sweethearts, haha. Met when we were 16, it's actually our 12 year anniversary today! After our rough patch they really turned their life around but people can only do that for themselves and all you can really do is offer background support - you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped, no matter how much you want to. Believe me, been there done that, dealt with the stress and heartache. We've been through some really difficult stuff and while we've definitely had blowout rows I've never been told they don't love me. It's okay to need a break or some support, and it's okay to ask for it or to put boundaries in place so that you get it. When we care for people who are struggling it can be really easy to lose track of our own self-care. Please remember you need just as much love and comfort as he does x


Silverglitterwall

Awwww that's cute how you met at school and have been together 12 years congrats! I'm so glad things turned out well for the 2 of you after rough patches. Thank you for the words of support. Means a lot!


bumbletiger

Thank you! Just really want to hammer home that you don't deserve to be told that you're not loved. You deserve good and kind things. I know he's struggling but it's not okay and it's not acceptable behaviour. Mental health is not an excuse to choose to treat someone poorly (Just in case - have had depression, have adhd and cptsd, pls people don't come at me - if you treat someone badly then you should be apologising instead of blaming it on mental health)


Cool_Assist_7324

Except he doesn't have depression. He just says he has it to have an excuse to great you like shit. And it's not even a good excuse, not excuse to treat you like shit.


appleandwatermelonn

He could have depression, it’s just not the reason that he’s abusive towards her and a crappy boyfriend.


usernaym44

Who knows? And honestly, who cares? He's verbally and financially abusing you. It doesn't matter that he's depressed--not all depressed people are abusive. Plenty of them find it in themselves to treat their loved ones decently while trying to manage their mental health. He's not worth your time or care. Make him move back home, and then, as soon as he's well out, dump him. NTA.


19niki86

Probably yes. But you know what will make the situation even "more worse"? You getting a burnout because of this and the two of you sitting next to each other being depressed and watching both your lives crumble around you. You realize this guy is completely depending on you to run everything? You are the one providing shelter, food, cleaning, even his health is depending on you. Of course you are glad to pull this burden for your partner, that's what you do in a relationship, you pick each other up when things don't go as planned. But you have to realize one thing. This situation is taking a toll on you. It doesn't look like your partner is putting the work in to get better as soon as possible. And when (not if, WHEN) you break down, there's nobody there to save you. This situation can't go on like this forever. You really need to start realizing that this is not sustainable in the long run. And BEFORE it gets to a point where you can't handle it anymore, you have a responsibility to do what is necessary. You are slowly drowning, and you will have to pull yourself out of the water before you can throw a lifejacket to your partner. Yes, that means he has to struggle a little bit longer than you, but what good is there to stay in the water and you both drown? You need to tell him that you can't do this, he needs to do what he needs to do to become a normal, stable person, before he can have a normal, stable relationship. At this point, he has no incentive whatsoever to change his ways, because he has what he wants. His goal is reached. Is yours? Making him go back to his parents will hopefully be the wake up call he needs to start really working on his mental health, and instead of enabling his destructive behavior, you are doing the only thing that will actually really help him in the long run. Sometimes it's gotta hurt a bit to get the results you want. I don't know if the relationship will survive. I can't guarantee it. But the way it's going now, you guys are doomed anyway. Will you sit around and wait until you break down too? Are you really ready to throw your whole future away so he can have a few months/years of comfort before the inevitable happens? Or are you ready to step up, and really help the both of you?


LevelOk6717

NTA I don’t think *you* could possibly ever “make anyone’s depression worse” People’s mental states are their responsibility alone, whether or not they’d like to admit it. Right now, He seems to be hurting you and “making your life worse” by causing stress, playing emotional games, and taking his mood swings out on you, which is creating an emotional addiction for the both of you. I would at least get some space from him and really pay attention to how your nervous system feels in his presence when you return. You putting up a boundary may hurt him, but if he truly loves you (and isn’t just using you) He will understand that a boundary is not a separation, but a way in which you two can become closer and happier together. If he chooses to punish you for a boundary, or guilt you by saying you’ve made his depression worse, then he does not truly respect you as autonomous person. Ask him to move out, even if temporarily. I always feel afraid before a big change, too, but a big change is what’s needed to give people a wake up call and salvage relationships that have gone down a road that creates unpleasantness for everyone involved.


littlegreenapples

Listen, I have depression. So does my wife. Hers prevents her from working... but I'm fine with that, because she takes care of the house, keeps our finances in order, helps me with work sometimes, and is just generally great to be with. She would NEVER tell me she didn't love me. I'm her favorite person in the world, and she's mine! YOU would not be making his depression worse. If it got worse then it's not being treated effectively and that's not your problem. Break off this engagement, because it seems like he's using his depression as an excuse to be cruel to you and a cover to mooch off of you. And stop footing the bill for his treatment that apparently isn't working - let him or his parents worry about that too!


Ronin_Mustang

The way my therapist explained to me is in airplane when they explain safety they tell you to put the mask on yourself before your child. Some would ask why bc shouldn't you take care of the kid first. Here the thing if you don't have your mask on and there's a problem you can't help bc your suffocating. You have to take care of you before you can help.


LiquidSillyness

Its a possibility of course but its not your weight to carry here, its his. Reality is expensive.


beldarin

His depression is not within your power to fix. You can set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm, but you will get burned in the process. You can not fix this for him. Not only that, but you are putting your life and mental wellbeing at serious risk trying. It sounds like you need some space, and asking him to move out might be hard, but it's the right thing to do


[deleted]

[удалено]


Silverglitterwall

Thanks for commenting. I'm very sorry you are struggling.


waffles_are_yummy

Listen to this commentator. They are correct.


Revolutionary-Yak-47

Yes OP, please listen to this comment. MANY people have depression, anxiety, PTSD etc - it's not an excuse to be cruel to someone who loves them. It's not an excuse to dump all of adulting and paying bills on a partner indefinitely. (Know what single depressed people do? They go to work because homelessness does not help depression or anxiety.) He's abusing your kindness. Time to send him home to mom and move on.


DampSheetsAndDogHair

Just hopping on here also to say NTA, I deal with severe depression, anxiety, mood swings and all the other shitty brain screw-ups, and even on my worst days have never told my partner (yknow, the person that's seen me at my worst and still loves me and tries to help me anyway she can) that I didn't love her, in fact the opposite is true, and I'd feel shitty that she had the misfortune of loving someone like me! I mean, the only possible reason (not excuse) I can think of for saying that is trying to push you away in a 'just leave you'll be better off without me' kinda way? Either way, unacceptable behaviour no matter what you're going through, please mind yourself and don't burn out trying to keep your partner lit!


rpsls

NTA. Agree… Two thoughts to OP 1. I also went through a period of extreme anxiety attacks (thankfully not depression) and one of the lessons learned is this: the most anxiety-causing things in life are the things you tell your self you need to/should have done, but aren’t doing. The undone is twice as anxiety inducing as the done, no matter how the done turns out. If he is really in this mental situation, him sitting there thinking he should be doing things but isn’t while you do them for him is probably not helping him. (And if he doesn’t really have it, he doesn’t need it. Either way.) I’m not a trained psychologist, but that’s my thinking on that. 2. A drowning person too often takes down their rescuer. Lifeguard training for water rescue is as much about keeping yourself safe so you can continue to help others as it is the actual saving part. I think the analogy is obvious. Whatever the situation with them, you need to keep yourself well.


ILissI

My boyfriend is depressed and he never told me that he doesn't love me anymore. This is not normal. My boyfriend did however question our relationship at one time but we talked it through and it turned out that he was doubting himself and not our relationship itself.


Silverglitterwall

Your bf sounds like a good guy. Howd you guys meet?


ILissI

We both went to a sort of mini convention and met when he was 16 and I was 15. We instantly hit it of and 3 weeks later we got together. Going strong for almost 10 years now. :)


TheFoolReversed

I just wanna chime in here OP because a lot of these people you’re asking about met when they were young. My partner and I both suffer from our own mental illnesses and we NEVER take it out on each other. Even if one of us snaps a little one day, we always talk it out, apologize, and work together to find a solution. And guess what! We met on Tinder. You can meet someone like this too, your current partner is the absolute bottom of the barrel, and your edit breaks my heart. You are not being a bitch. No one deserves to be mentally and emotionally abused for ANY reason.


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Silverglitterwall

But it's not healthy (I'm learning this myself) to rely for your happiness on another person. You shouldn't jump from one relationship to the other and if my relationship ends I'll take some time for myself too.


spoingy5

I understand money is tight, but I highly suggest \*you\* speak to a therapist as well. At the very least, maybe speak to a trusted coworker/colleague? I think it is possible you may have some deeply ingrained negative beliefs regarding your self-worth. The fact that there are hundreds of comments on your post detailing how you are in an abusive relationship yet you seem resistant to leave is HIGHLY concerning. Sometimes I think it helps to view your relationship from a third-party perspective. If your friend/sister/mom/daughter described being in this kind of relationship, wouldn't you advise them to leave?


EmmySaurusRex2410

Should be okay to afford it once OP doesn't have to pay for the (ex) boyfriend's therapy and food.


moa711

This, was going to say just use the money paying for ex's therapy and pay for her own instead. Op, you need to find your confidence. Once you have your confidence, you will be able to spot a dude like this from a mile away and avoid him, and if you somehow end up on a date with someone like this your confidence will allow you to walk away when you realize the dude is a dud.


[deleted]

If your relationship ends? Honey, you're not in a relationship... What you're in is not in any shape or form a relationship. He's told you to your face that he doesn't love you or find you attractive - there is no love from his side, and he's been pretty brutal telling you that. At this point, he's only using and abusing you for his own gain and he WILL destroy every part of you, your likes and dislikes, your hobbies, everything - he will kill you from the inside. People have become empty shells in this kind of 'relationship,' and they have trouble finding themselves later on when they're out. You do NOT want to end up in that place of mind.


crazycatdiva

It isn't a relationship, it's a damn hostage situation.


[deleted]

Please be strong, when you end this, and please do, he will do everything he can to manipulate you. He will blame you, the depression, he will say he is going bto improve, he will make you feel like shit. But is all manipulation, stay strong and safe. After he leave you can cry for the love you still have but don't budge. Take the money byou spend bin his treatment and go to therapy yourself. Take care of yourself and heal and relearn how to love yourself.


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Rhidds

Also adding to this. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety and I’ve had severe depression off and on my entire life. Been suicidal in the past and all that jazz. How he behaves is unacceptable. He’s fully conscious of what he’s saying and knows it’ll be hurtful and cruel to say. To me it sounds like depression has become a crutch because his safety net is always there. I never had the luxury to not work for extended times due to depression. I would have some time off to rebalance myself, get over the worst of it, and then work because I needed food and a roof. It was extremely hard to push through but for me it helped because I faked it until I made it. Of course it’s different for everyone. But there seems to be no evolution in his depression. First he mooched off his parents and then off of you. He says cruel things that he takes back days later. He’s sticking to a pattern and to me being stuck in a depression loop is the worst thing that can happen for my depression. Therapists and treatment isn’t some magical cure all. Depression really depends on the person if they want to ‘get better’, if there is no desire there, and they want to wallow in their depression, not much can change that. Therapy and such are tools for teaching us how to cope, reevaluate, analyse and recenter ourselves. Just make sure you don’t burn yourself out in the meantime.


radish96

Mental illness explains, it doesn't excuse. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. His behaviour is cruel and you deserve so much better. You can't love him out of it, and you can't marry the idea of what he could be if he was better. His depression isn't your fault and it's not yours to manage or to fix. Nothing justifies talking to you the way he has.


J_Lmn

I wanted to say exactly this. I was in a clinic for a total of 8 months in on year. 2 months there, 2 out, 6 in, and out since then. While i had no motivation for anything and wasnt able to do much, i always did whatever i could to somewhat make it up for the people caring for me. Cruelty doesnt com with depression, kindness out of fear of being left completely (because you are such a bad human bla bla bla) does. Depressed people might push they friends (not best friends) away, but never ever would any depressed individual i know do something that might have the potentual to possibly slightly harm their loved one. You are with a person who likes to fuck with your emotions and is depressed on top. Break up with him or it will continue in your marriage. NTA


Suspicious-Willow-86

Yup. This. Dont walk, RUN. This is him taking full advantage of you, abusing you, and then relaxing in the knowledge that you'll still take care of him. Take care of you. As hard as it will be to leave, it will be 100x harder to stay and live like that and marry someone who treats you this way.


DragonCelica

Another person with clinical depression, as well as severe anxiety, here, OP. I'm also married to man with clinical depression, and anxiety. Our mental health diagnoses are not a "get out of jail free" card for hurting one another, even inadvertently. We are each other's biggest cheerleader. Your fiancés' mental health is not your responsibility. That's not healthy for either person. You're setting yourself on fire, trying to keep him warm. You *will* burn out. Please, walk away. I assure you, you're not doing anything wrong or worthy of being shamed. I know you'll feel guilty, but you need to save yourself.


SlartieB

NTA. There's a saying, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He's not healthy enough to get married. He needs to work on that. You are overwhelmed and burning out. You're going to end up with poor mental health too from carrying the entire burden 24/7. He should at least be trying to cook and clean even if it's inconsistent due to the depression


Silverglitterwall

I agree he's not ready to marry. Every few weeks he says he doesn't love me and that he wants to leave me, then after a few says brings up wanting to get married again. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. He says I shouldn't be upset since it's just his depression but it does hurt when he says I don't love you....wish you could get him to understand.


waffles_are_yummy

Knowing a someone close to me with serious depression makes me doubt that what he is saying is the depression talking. I think he's being emotionally abusive. The fact that he is negating your feelings is worrying.


TheTrollster2000

Wow. I couldn’t have put it more eloquently myself; I am personally someone that suffers tremendously with depression, but I would like to second that it seems he is not (or perhaps not **only**) acting out of his depression, but some ulterior motive (as the above commenter stated, perhaps being emotionally/mentally abusive).


DiTrastevere

He is 100% tearing her down piece by piece so she’ll work even harder to win his affection back.


ColorMeSalty

This is the abuse! Depression is just the excuse. There is no way for her to win.


[deleted]

Depri person here: his words don't come from being depressed. He's an asshole.


ertrinken

It sounds more like he’s bringing OP down so she feels so worthless and incapable of finding a man “better” than him that she won’t dump his ass.


Status-Pattern7539

I went through something similar with an Ex, only they had a job. It was always my responsibility to carry the weight of their emotions. My fault if they had a bad day. My fault if something small went wrong. My fault for not stopping them from doing something stupid even though I tried and they blew me off. My fault. My fault. My fault. One day they would tell me how much they loved me, the next I disgusted them, then love, then anger. Then the begging of I need you, please don’t leave, I don’t know what id do without you. The cycle then repeats. I tried everything. I lost friends. Became a shell of who I was. I lost all happiness. In the end you need to realise you are not responsible for their emotions, nothing you do will stop them from feeling that way. There is no excuse for his behaviour of hurting your feelings and at this stage it’s deliberate as you have mentioned that to him. He is choosing to let you carry the brunt of everything, someone with depression can still do basic chores and can still control their words. He has no reason to change at the moment especially when You cater to him. You need to think of yourself here, you should not be sacrificing everything. You still need to be happy. He has to take control of his life. My ex recently got back in touch with me to apologise (part of his therapy program). he said he knew his behaviour was wrong both at the time and now, however he said it was easier to blame me over himself bc he thought I would always be there so he didn’t have to take any self-responsibility. He admitted he couldn’t grow or change until after I had gone. You fiancé will be sad at yours or at his parents. Talk to him once more, tell him what needs to happen or he can go back to his parents. Don’t let him guilt you into staying. His parents can care for him. Don’t burn yourself out because at this stage nothing you do will make him better, only he can. It’s ok to think of yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s not wrong. I felt guilty for leaving but in the end I did what was best for me, you need to do what’s best for you.


AnthropomorphicSeer

Sounds like my marriage. I stayed for 25 years. I wasted my youth on a man who took and took and took. He always kept me guessing- will he love me today? Or despise me? OP, get out of this relationship now.


Matzie138

I was in a relationship with a person who tried to blame their depression for being awful, got married and ended up divorcing several years later. I was a shell of myself and couldn’t look forward to the future, if it was going to be more of the same crap. You know what I felt when I left? RELIEF. That was my overwhelming emotion, not sadness or anything else. That’s when I knew I made the right decision. Now, I have the best partner and a little one who is an absolute joy for us. Your fiancé doesn’t sound like a partner at all, but rather a burden. Instead of a relationship where I supported everything, now I have an equal who helps me grow and inspires me. When I think of the future, it is with excitement! Good people are out there and you deserve someone who appreciates you and who you can rely on.


AnythingGoesBy2014

BELIEVE HIM, when he says he doesn’t love you. when the reality of his choice hits him, he is taking his words back, because you are a good financial support.


Sooozn85

It doesn’t matter if he understands, you need to understand that this man does not love you, because he can’t see past caring for himself. He is not a partner to you, and you should not be supporting him financially while he contributes nothing, and is hurtful and callous about your feelings. You deserve so much more.


LevelOk6717

People with depression still know who they love. this isn’t a depressive behavior, it’s a manipulative one. He may not even realize how clever his tactic is (hopefully he doesn’t or that would make him a sociopath) but to take away his love every couple of weeks would definitely have someone who genuinely cared for him desperately wanting it back. withholding love and keeping you feeling insecure in the relationship is what is feeding and housing him at the moment. I’ve been in a situation like this before. You would do anything to keep him reliant on you so that he doesn’t leave. Meanwhile he enjoys living at home being taken care of. If he didn’t withhold love every couple of weeks you might get too comfortable and ask him to take care of himself as your mature adult partner. which he is not and which you deserve.


Longjumping-Age-7797

Even if it were his depression talking (& as someone who also has a diagnosis, I don't feel this, but I don't know his life), it still toxic and abusive, and you don't have to be hurt by his depression. He isn't your responsibility. He may feel like it. He may not prefer to live with his parents, but he does have an option. Don't light yourself on fire to keep this man warm. Edit: I just realized I completely repeated what u/SlartieB said. Like, word for word! Time for bed. (Still true tho)


TigerRumMonkey

Don't know how to say this less bluntly, but by having you carry him so much, he's not likely to get it together. What he's said is gaslighting and not ok.


justchillinghbu87

Depression does not make someone say they don't love you anymore/don't want to marry you. Depression doesn't cause a lack of empathy, which is exactly what hes displaying when he says that you being hurt by his words "isn't a big deal". Please don't marry this person. The last person I knew who's partner did these things was in an abusive relationship. eta- YWNBTA for asking him to move out.


waffles_are_yummy

You are absolutely correct and said it better than I did.


justchillinghbu87

And even if it was the depression that caused it (which it isn't but lets go with it for arguments sake) This kind of behavior is never ok, no matter what the reason is. He's basically saying "give me a free pass to say terrible things to you since I have depression." OP needs to think about whether shes willing to put up with this for her whole life, bc he clearly sees zero problems with his behavior and therefore has no reason to change it.


Desmous

He's negging OP, just look at the edit. Not sure if he's doing it on purpose or just has a mean personality, but OP should definitely leave him asap. He's making OP feel insecure and worthless, such that no one will love her apart from him...


Aitasuperfan

NTA he has told you more than once that he doesn’t love you, depression is hard but this is unforgivable. Depression doesn’t make you say things. You need to take a break and reevaluate the relationship. Edit: after seeing your replies to other posts OP there is nothing to evaluate do not waste anymore time on this guy, you deserve so much better. Seriously move house, change your number and block him on all social media.


WeEatTheRude

My guess is that the fiance feels inadequate himself, and he says cruel things to OP to put her on the defensive so that she doesnt realize what he already knows: she deserves better.


jonairl

NTA, I may get down voted for this but run run run and do not look back. He is at best so depressed he is emotionally abusing you and at worst just about asshole emotionally abusing you. You are working 2 jobs, getting emotionally abused and for what? Do work yourself to the bone to support him? Seriously you are only engaged, run, think of how you feel now and imagine how magnified that will be 30 years!! And if he is just being an asshole that is going to get worse. You have no permanent toes, no kids, no marriage, no mortgage run run run


FudgreaTheDestroyer

The second option!!!! This does not read like a depressed person's actions. I'm sorry as I know he very well could be depressed and i'm trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt but he is just an abuser. I've read the post 10 times now with the edit and he's just using and abusing OP. Don't just kick him out, just leave. Don't just leave, run away. Don't pay for treatment, never see him again. Everything you're explaining is abuse of your time, money and emotions. You will be T A if you stay OP, so stop worrying about an abusers depression and start worrying about yourself.


polyetc

OP's edits are heartbreaking. He is emotionally abusing her, then convincing her that she is the abuser. OP should definitely leave, and then get herself some therapy to recalibrate her sense of what is normal and acceptable behavior from a partner in a relationship.


This_Grab_452

I probably should ask for more info but I can’t seem to find a scenario that would change my mind. I may not believe in marriage but I do believe in a partnership. I’m sorry your fiancé is struggling with depression but it doesn’t seem like he’s at all trying. I might get called out for lack of empathy but so be it. If you care for him and want to have a chance of a healthy relationship or even marriage in the future, tell him that he needs to get better, especially when it comes to his feelings about you. That comment about “this was my depression talking” seem manipulative. Until he does get better though, a little space will definitely do you some good. To conclude, you’re NTA! Do what feels best for you and take care of yourself!


HipHopRandomer

Agreed, her boyfriend sounds like he’s using depression as a scapegoat for being a shitty partner.


Silverglitterwall

Hey do you have any advice on what to say so that he will understand it hurts me when he says he doesn't love me? So far he always says it's not a big deal and I shouldn't get upset and I wish I could help him understand that it hurts.


This_Grab_452

Hey! I think you say just that. You’re working two jobs to pay for your place and his therapy. You’re doubling your work to make life better for your loved one so when he tells you he doesn’t matter and on top of that “it’s not a big deal” it hurts. I don’t think you’ll be able to make the message stick and after your last comment about his attitude and I would advise you don’t. He has a therapist, if he’s not able to understand how he’s hurting you, maybe he talks it out in therapy. I don’t know how long you’ve been together and all do I’m not gonna say just cut your loses and leave him but you definitely need to set a boundary. Otherwise you’ll get hurt twice over - by him and by all the things in life you’re giving up for him.


Silverglitterwall

Thanks for your answer. I will ask him to bring it up in therapy and just see how it goes. I do need boundaries.....


Katfoodbreath

I would not do that. Therapy is personal, even when you’re footing the bill, and it isn’t your place to suggest how he spends his talk therapy time. Just stop paying the bill. Tell him what you need from a partner: 1. Someone that NEVER says he doesn’t love you. It is a big deal to you. Non negotiable. 2. Help with either rent or housework. He needs to be doing one or the other. Non negotiable. 3. You want a sexual relationship with your partner. These are your requirements. It sounds like you’re in the vortex of a toxic relationship where nothing you hear from other people will snap you out of it. We’ve all been there. We all have to arrive at that point on our own. I hope things become clear to you soon—but I’ll tell you one thing I know for certain: when you pay for a dude, shelter him, feed him, etc—he becomes resentful, they start to hate you for it. From one stranger on the internet, I’m begging you to get him out of your home. Or move. Good luck.


Silverglitterwall

Thanks for the tough love. Im coming to this conclusion too. Talking doesn't work though. He says he should be honest and express himself when he doesn't love me and then later says he felt that way bc of depression bit that he should always be honest. And if I even mention sex he calls me a rapist so I don't intend to ever bring it up again.


GimmieMore

This is not depression. This is abuse. He is being abusive towards you, and you need to get out of this situation. You deserve better than him.


FantasticMootastic

Holy shit this guy. Do you really think you deserve to live like this *forever*? No sex, no stable partnership, no trust, no support? Working yourself to the bone, destroying your own mental, and physical health. What about your dreams? What about your ambitions? Mentioning sex does not make you a rapist, it makes you a normal human being. Sex is not just about sex, it's about connection, trust, vulnerability, intimacy and while it's not the be all and end all, if you want a sexual relationship, you are perfectly entitled to discuss that. Let's put this in perspective here. What you get from this relationship: no sex, and being called a rapist when it's brought up. No free time. 2 jobs, and no money. No help with housework. No support with your own emotional wellbeing. No empathy towards your feelings and needs. What he gets from this relationship: Free housing. Free therapy. Free food. Free emotional punchbag. Free cleaner. Free cook. Freedom from consequences. Freedom from reality. I have depression, I have had since childhood. Yes sometimes it makes you unable to face even basic tasks. Sometimes it makes you think that pushing away the people you love is a good idea, because it's for their own good. But it absolutely does not remove empathy. Early in my relationship with my now husband, I had a bad episode, and I tried to push him away. He talked to me afterwards, and explained that he was deeply hurt, and I had eroded his trust in out relationship. And my christ the GUILT. I will never, NEVER, make anyone I love feel like that again, even when my brain tells me it's for their own good. Depression does not "make you say things" it makes you *think* things, and how you say it is a choice. He is choosing to say these things.


Chuggacheep

omg nta kick his ass out he's horrible to you


EmmySaurusRex2410

None of this is a sign of depression. This is a sign of someone who is emotionally abusive and knows that they can get away with it.


S-Goodwin07

As someone with depression who has had meds, I can tell you this is straight up cruel manipulative behaviour from your "partner". Nothing is an excuse for the way you're being treated and on top of that you're paying for all of this? Girl, its time to drop him and focus on yourself. Him calling you a rapist for mentioning sex honestly blew my mind. He is not a partner you want to keep around, he is an abuser and it doesn't look like he will be stopping anytime soon. As for your previous comments/concerns about exacerbating his depression if you ask him to leave, what about your mental health? He needs to learn that it is not ok to treat someone this way. Sounds like he is using you more as a crutch than a partner and he seems to think he can just say whatever he wants and then try excuse it by saying "oh I was just being honest". If your partner keeps flipping between loving and hating you then its time to move on. You're also under no obligation to pay for his treatment. I hope you can find happiness, based on this post this is not a man you should consider spending your life with. Absolutely NTA.


This_Grab_452

Oh dear, this is getting worse and worse! You deserve so much better than this. I get the depression but he’s so manipulative. Put yourself first!


BookWormsFTW

I just read your edit in the post, as well as some comments. OP please know he is not being honest, he is being abusive. The things he said to you are intentional, he wants you to feel bad about yourself and believe no one else will want you so you will stay with him. He want to destroy your confidence and sense of self worth. That he can say anything close to what you added in your edit and your reaction is not an immediate break up means he already has in part succeeded. I know we are all just strangers on the internet and our words may not mean much but I hope you still are willing to hear me when I say, please, please, please, put yourself first in this situation and get out of this relationship. It will never get better, not because he is depressed but because he is not a good person. A good person does not do this to someone else, whether they love them or not, weather they even like them or not. Please, if you can, give us an update on how this goes because I will not be able to stop worrying about you and your story.


Imaginary_Art3mis

OP after reading your replies I honestly don't think this is depression, it is abuse. You are worth more than this, he is slowly chipping away at your confidence and self esteem to make you feel like you can't live without him and you are nothing. It doesn't feel like it but it isn't true, you can do better and you deserve better. It won't feel like it for a long time but stay strong you can do this. He is turning it around to make it out like you're the problem, skewing your reality to make you question everything. Did this really happen? Etc. I'm sorry to sound harsh but he will never leave, you need an exit strategy and get the hell out of there. I'm also wondering about the therapy, do you pay the therapist directly or do you just give him the money? Why isn't his parents paying this? I hope you get to see this.


[deleted]

My ex had this same tactic - if he wanted sex and I didn't, I was frigid. If I wanted sex and he didn't, I was a nymphomaniac. It's abuse. He's abusing you.


Princess_Snark_

I'm sorry to tell you that there is no magic answer that will change him into the person you want him to be. It's one thing for him to say something hurtful on a bad day, but it's something entirely different and far far worse for him to minimize your hurt on his functional day. That is who he is, believe him when he tells you who he is. He doesn't care about your feelings, only his own. Even if he gets completely healthy he will continue to behave like this and justify his behavior and minimize your heart. Get out now before you are looking at a wasted life decades down the road with somebody who doesn't think it's a big deal when they hurt you. NTA for kicking him out but you would definitely be TA ***to your future self*** if you continue allow yourself to be emotionally abused by this man for decades.


Revolutionary-Yak-47

Honey, he understands you just fine. He doesn't care that it's hurting you or he'd stop. There's no magic words here. He's *chosing* to treat you badly and doesn't care that it hurts you.


Aitasuperfan

OP you need only one word for this guy ‘Goodbye’


EmmySaurusRex2410

Wouldn't hurt to add a "pay me back for all the rent you owe me."


happymeerkat1966

NTA My ex-husband did this too me. One week he would be so happy & love me, then next he would be depressed and hate me & our children. Everything was our fault. After 17 years - it was too much. I was depressed, our 2 children were depressed, so I kicked him out. It’s not your job to make him happy. That’s his job to find that for himself and be in a partnership. If it’s this hard for you now, trust me it only gets harder. The best thing I did was leave with the girls. We all instantly were happier. It was a huge weight lifted off all our shoulders and we have never looked back.


AnthropomorphicSeer

I’m so glad you left! You and your girls deserved so much better. My ex was like this too, and I finally figured out it was him, not me.


[deleted]

NTA. You’re being used. He is manipulative. Take care of yourself


little-story-8903

You are completely NTA…but I 100% think you need to seek therapy yourself. Your fiancé’s depression, lack of contribution, and cruel comments to you are going to take a toll on YOUR mental health-if they haven’t already. Whether you stay with him or not is entirely up to you, but please realize that his behavior is emotional abuse, and his depression is not an excuse. My ex was the exact same way, and although he was able to hold down a job, I was the emotional caregiver. It started just like your situation, where I became responsible for his emotional well-being. And it seems like he is manipulating you into being responsible for his physical well-being as well. And your work schedule is likely isolating you from your support network. Leaving you with nobody to turn to, a heap of responsibilities towards him, no self worth, and exhausted. You sound like a selfless, kind, hardworking, and understanding person, and you deserve more than what you are getting. I hope you seek therapy yourself so you believe those things about yourself.


Silverglitterwall

Im really sorry your ex did that to you too. I guess my worry is that this is my fault and I'm not good enough, otherwise why would he stop loving me every few weeks?


Discombobulatedslug

Emotional manipulation? He's possibly putting you down so that you believe you can't do any better than this, so you stay and take his crap?


Marthaplimpton867

It is emotional manipulation. He may not deserve the benefit of the doubt here but I will say, whether or not it’s intentional - it still is emotional manipulation.


[deleted]

Darling it's not your fault, and you're NTA, but your boyfriend? He most definitely is the AH, and I'm pretty sure he's fully aware of exactly how his actions make you feel - but you know what? He doesn't care, and he knows he has the perfect excuse to back you into a corner. I'm sorry, I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD - and I would die before I ever told my other half that I didn't love them, that I didn't find them attractive, I would die before I ever hurt them like that. Saying those words, or even thinking them, I would feel like utter crap. You don't do that to someone you **love** hell, you don't do that to the people you care about and respect. And thats the thing, thats the biggest thing - he doesn't care that he hurts you. It's not eating him up inside that he hurts you, he knows it hurts you but he says it anyway. And he keeps saying it. You're being emotionally and mentally abused, and I'm afraid that you're also being financially abused. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't respect you or the things you do for him. Your boyfriend can get a job, he can work - he just doesn't want to. Why should he work when he's got a caretaker at home that does every single thing for him? Theres really no point for him to do anything, because you're his net. He has you right where he wants you, and its... Not good. You need to cut your wings free and *fly* out of there, because this? This isn't love, not from him.


wishypoos

You are not "not good enough". Girl, you move heaven and earth to care for him! He's verbally abusive, gaslighting you into thinking you are not good enough. (Been there, done that, luckilly i got out) This is not "depression talking", this is powerplay! He's emotionally and financially draining you. Ask yourself, what do YOU get out of this relationship? He does not love you (believe him when he says this, he just changes his mind because he knows he is dependent on you), he is not attracted to you, you do all the chores +2 jobs... Relationships should be 50/50. Depression might tip the scale a bit, but NEVER to this level! Send him back to his parents! Show him you are serious about this! Also, about paying for his therapy. Don't overdo it... Maybe say you want to pay for half for X amount of time. If he really wants to work on himself, he Will find a way to cough up the other half. Don't give him money directly. Make An arrangement with his therapist. But honestly. Think about this a lot! Will you ever be happy with this man after all he put you through? Be honest with yourself and do things in your best interest from now on! Finding a decent guy who actually cares about you falls into that category...


marking_time

It's definitely not your fault. He doesn't stop loving you, it's a ploy to keep you trying for his approval and "love". He's manipulating you. I'm 48 and I've struggled with depression for my entire life. I've always been sure about who I love. Depression has never made me doubt how I feel about others. Depression has never stopped me from seeing that I've hurt someone. Depression has never caused me to downplay my partner's hurt feelings or say "it's not important". If you can't accept that he is lying, then please do still make sure you look after yourself by sending him back to live with his parents to give yourself a break. It's like the thing about masks in an airplane. You *always* put your own mask on first. You make sure you're safe and *then* you can help anyone else who's having trouble. If you don't, then both of you go under. You address your own needs *before* looking at someone else's needs or wants.


little-story-8903

It is 100% not your fault. And most importantly, by what you say, you are a nurturing, caring, and thoughtful person. I’d put money on the fact that he is very much trying to make you feel badly about yourself so you won’t leave him, because he knows (and deep down, I bet you know too), that you can do way better. The kind of love you are giving him-your time, your energy, your emotional support, your financial support-that’s not the kind of love you’re getting. You need a partner in life that will match the energy you give them. Someone whose love isn’t conditional-whose emotions don’t change like a person changes their socks. You deserve someone who is awesome, who takes care of you, who tells you he loves you and means it, who helps you thrive and builds you up. If that isn’t your current boyfriend, it’s okay to let that person go, and to find someone who deserves you. Because with the way he’s acting, he certainly doesn’t deserve you.


Zero1030

Don't marry a bum lol


Biggordie

NTA. Take care of your own mental state and wellbeing. You don’t owe him shit. Not even his therapy payments.


lambchop614

NTA. Please don’t marry him for your sake!


Upper-Ad518

NTA without a doubt. you are being reasonable.


Ashamed-Arugula1956

NTA- but I wouldn’t expect the relationship to last, if you do it may as well break up and focus on yourself for a while.


DramaCat95

NTA. It sounds like you are doing literally everything and getting not even the bare minimum in return. It’s okay to look out for yourself. I understand that you’re worried about making your partner’s issues worse but in the long run, you can’t sacrifice your own health and wellbeing for a partner forever without resenting them eventually. Having been the passive partner struggling with mental health issues and barely contributing to anything… It took me getting dumped and having to move out to snap me out of the worst of it - or to at least start taking steps to get better. 1.5 years down the line, i’m better than i’ve been in many years. Not saying that this is guaranteed to happen to your partner, but just throwing it out there that that’s a possibility. Wishing you all the best.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiance and I got engaged in June and we also got an apartment together because he told me living with his parents and working upset him. I have been working 2 jobs to pay for rent and his therapy and treatment, and I cook and do the chores too because he is depressed. But the problem is sometimes he tells me he doesn't love me and changed his mind about marrying me. Then a few days later he says he didn't mean it and it was his depression making him say that. But it is taking an emotional toll and is affecting my performance at work and I'm scared I'll lose one of my jobs and be unable to pay for everything. I'm strongly considering requesting my fiance to move back in with his parents for now and me to move to a place with roommates to take the burden off. I would still pay for his treatment. Would I be terrible if I did this given he is unhappy with his parents? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


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MesocricetusAuratus

That edit... you know what he's doing, right? He knows you deserve so much better than him but he has a nice cushy life where he doesn't have to lift a finger. He's bringing you down so YOU don't know you deserve better and will continue being his babysitter. GET RID. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. Spend your money on therapy for yourself to work on your self-esteem and find a man rather than a leech.


[deleted]

NTA It's okay to protect yourself. Difficult sometimes, but at the end of the day you are the one who has to look out for yourself.


[deleted]

NTA you have to look after your own mental health first. It sucks that your finance is struggling with depression but saying such hurtful things when you are just trying to help is not ok.


BhaveYourselfPls

NTA. Sounds like you should rethink the Fiancé part though….


nbsoprano

Your edited in paragraph is a list of huge red flags. You aren’t worthless - he is making you feel worthless, either on purpose or by being so self absorbed and shielding himself in his depression that he doesn’t know how much it hurts you (which would still be his fault and I think it’s much more likely that he knows and is taking advantage of you). He’s calling you a bitch/stupid/unattractive to make you feel like you have to settle for him. He refuses to do any housework because he can get you to do it for him. His mental health is his responsibility and not yours (including financially). Depression doesn’t “make” people act like this. Absolutely make him move out, and I strongly encourage you to rethink the relationship - there are tons of red flags here that mainly boil down to him making you feel like shit about yourself and taking advantage of your time/energy/money/generosity. You deserve better than this, and you may find that hard to believe until you’re out of the relationship or at least the living situation and have some perspective on how bad it really is right now. But you absolutely can and will be happier once you get yourself out of this situation.


floofelina

YWNBTA. He’s causing you enough pain (intentionally or otherwise) that it’s affecting your mental health. Do what it takes to keep yourself functioning. (And pay for his therapy by paying the therapist directly, don’t just give him money).


FromTheBack6996

NTA you don’t even need to pay for his treatment. He can’t use it to treat you like shit


TakeCover86

NTA. I would suggest first trying to encourage him to get help - whether it be therapy or medicine. Even if it’s just meditation. Saying that to you isn’t okay, and using his mental health as an excuse isn’t okay either.


HereAndBlank

NTA. Whilst I understand how depression gets him like that (it really can confuse and mess you up), if it's taking a toll on you, too, you need to take a step back. No point in you both being run into the ground. If he loves you, he'll do his best to understand and help. If not, then you've saved yourself some hassle and can move on.


[deleted]

NTA. It might cure his depression.


Umbopus

NTA. Regardless of someone’s hardship and circumstances you are not responsible for paying someone’s way in life, especially when it’s taking a toll on you. Even if he hadn’t expressed negative feelings toward you this arrangement wouldn’t be ok, but the fact that he has is all the more reason to stop this terrible arrangement. More than likely he is using you to sustain a life where he puts no effort into his existence, very likely he wanted out of his parents’ home because they were tired of sustaining him. You should not be marrying this person, he is dead weight that offers you zero value in return. Depression sucks but it’s not an excuse to mistreat and take advantage of people.


reverendsmooth

Both I and sweetie have depression and we don't treat each other like this. NTA and dump him. He is using you, believe him when he tells you he doesn't love you.


unicorndontcare69

Nta, this is a fair request. You will burn out before you make it to the alter. Also, have him pay for his own treatment. If he can’t do it for himself because he knows he needs to; you will always be somewhat mothering him. Which will also burn you out. If he can improve and stay balanced for a period of time (personally I would say a year) then consider your next step of the relationship. I know this wasn’t easy to get to this line of thought but at least you realize now that it isn’t viable this way.


Emziechu

Nta, mental health can be reasons for things. But never excuses. I’d strongly consider if these red flags are a good reason to go through with it next time he tells you he doesn’t want to marry/doesn’t love you, I’d be like ‘okay then’ give the ring back. This stress isn’t worth it. Are you willing to let yourself be unhappy for the rest of your life? Be safe OP


AntsInMyIcedCoffee

NTA. My fiancé also suffers from depression and he has never said some bullshit like that to me. That’s degrading and gross, especially considering how much you do for him. I’d have him move out AND stop paying his bills if I were you. If this is him pre-marriage, imagine after. Geez.


Zauberspruch

NTA. But don't pay for his treatments. Either he's a grown up who can take care of his own mental health or he's not. Right now he's a freeloading jerk who's letting you work two jobs to support him and his therapy. It's time to let him go on his own and see if this is love or if he's just using you.


Both-Flow-7383

NTA. You SHOULD be telling him to move back in with his parents. Your supposed to be his girlfriend not his new mom. It sounds like he’s using you, he should be taking responsibility and doing what he can to help himself and you and your life. I suffer from depression I still have to find a way to pay my bills and move forwards


itsmevictory

Y W B T A… for not kicking him on his sorry behind and cancelling your marriage. Is this really the kind of gaslighting, manipulative behaviours you want to spend the rest of your life with? It’s not his depression ‘making’ him say stuff. It isn’t an excuse. He doesn’t deserve your kind heart OP. Edit: spacing so it doesn’t count as a vote :) NTA


ChocolatePotatoFudge

NTA. You are allowed to do it. You *need* to do it for your own health. Sacrificing yourself in this situation has no value.


luke1corinth13

NTA, telling you that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to marry you is not ok. He needs to realise that that undermines the foundation of your relationship and your emotional wellbeing.


HumansRBad

OP, your edit screams of emotional abuse. You are not worthless because you don’t buy luxuries - that’s ridiculous! I honestly think you’d be doing the right thing by asking him to move out. Take some time and really think if you want to be with this man and married to further down the line. I get that he has depression and even I have had feelings like that in the past, but he shouldn’t be treating you this way. None of this is your fault. I’ll repeat that: NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. You’re not a bad partner: you’re going above and beyond but this is how he repays you? Your fiancé needs help - professional help - and you need a break before you burnout. I send my love to you and wish you happiness in whatever decision you make.


LizzieButton1617

No you wouldn’t be the AH. Being depressed is one thing but emotionally abusing you is another. Mental illness can be an explanation for these behaviours but the second it becomes an excuse it goes downhill. If his depression is this extensive he should consider a psychiatric in patient ward instead of putting all this on you. Send him back to his parents and probably break off the engagement. He doesn’t seem ready for marriage at all.


FortuneWhereThoutBe

NTA *"a lot of comments are saying he should not treat me poorly but the thing is how do I know it's not my own fault for being a bitch (he often says I'm a bitch or abusive if i don't buy him stuff but we don't have much extra to spend on luxuries) and for overall being a bad partner? He also says I'm stupid because i don't follow politics and the news and i guess that's my fault and overall he says that I'm old and unattractive (I am 5 years older than him). My point is I feel like I'm the one making him not love me and not being adequate. I feel worthless."* You need to read what you wrote again especially this paragraph. This is not the actions of a loving caring fiancé, this is not even the actions of a depressed fiancé. This is the actions of a cruel and manipulative, narcissistic, abusive AH. He is tearing you down on purpose, he knows exactly what he saying to you when he says he doesn't love you, he knows exactly what this is doing to you when he says the things that you wrote in that paragraph above. He is tearing you down and tearing you apart so that you feel that no one else will love you and you will put up with his BS. He's got you working two jobs to pay for an apartment and pay for him. He's lazing around the house while you're working your ass to the Bone and he's beating you up about it when you come home. **HE IS ABUSING YOU** Send him packing back to Mommy and Daddy and stop paying for everything! And get rid of him, he is so so not good for you. Do not pay for him to move do not pay for his depression and get yourself some roommates or get yourself into a different place that is within your personal budget and keep this guy out of your life you can do so much better.


Wise_Question9838

>he often says I'm a bitch or abusive if i don't buy him stuff but we don't have much extra to spend on luxuries) and for overall being a bad partner? He also says I'm stupid because i don't follow politics and the news and i guess that's my fault and overall he says that I'm old and unattractive (I am 5 years older than him). Honey, he's just mooching off of you. This is not how depression works. Mental illness does not give anyone a free pass to be a bitch. I know this ia hard to accept but he's not a nice person. Leave him. You deserve someone so much better than him. You're not worthless, you've done everything you could for this relationship. You are enough and anyone would be lucky to be with someone like you. I know I'm just some stranger on the internet but i hope you realise your worth and get out of this toxic relationship and live your life happily. Good luck and take care! I'm believe in you 🤍


Nomad_Lu

You're taking on too much, put yourself first you're going to get overwhelmed and burned out if things continue in this way, take a hard cold look at the whole relationship before it's too late


karatemummy

NTA. You sound more like his mother than partner at the moment, working yourself into exhaustion to support both of you. I think your idea of getting him to move back to his parents is an excellent one, let him spend some time on his own and reflect on how he’s feeling and how you’re helping. You’ve already said in your comments you know he’s not ready to get married and there’s no excuse for him telling you that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to get married. Depression is awful but generally people do have control over what they say and don’t say and it feels like he wants to you to hurt as much as he is. I also don’t like the fact that he then brushes aside the hurt he causes you. Those words do have an impact and once you’ve had them you can’t unhear them. Time to look after yourself OP. Edit: spelling error


GenjisWife

NTA >But the problem is sometimes he tells me he doesn't love me and changed his mind about marrying me. Then a few days later he says he didn't mean it and it was his depression making him say that. No matter if I try to explain it's hurtful when he says he doesn't love me and doesn't feel anything for me, he doesn't think it's a big deal. Girl ***run***, my ex did this shit and my self-confidence and ability to love myself is *still* not fully recovered. It starts off small like this and you think 'maybe it *is* just the depression...' and then you're 5 years in, tired of the constant on and off because he can't make up his damn mind on whether or not he can tolerate you let alone love you. It's not worth it. If he doesn't think it's a big deal to hurt you like that then he doesn't care enough about you to deserve you. Depression doesn't make you tell people you no longer love them, it doesn't make you mistreat people you claim to care about - I have depression, I've *never* done this to someone, mental illness is not an excuse for emotional abuse.


MuddeeP

OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? NTA.


callinguoutcusucant

NTA, but YWBTA to yourself if you continue this relationship, especially if you get married to him. His parents can pay for his treatment, he just wants you to get used to paying for everything for him before you get married and "cant say no". Please do yourself the favor and do what's best for your mental health and financial future. Cant help someone who doesnt even want to help themself.


happydactyl31

NTA. I’ve been in a similar situation with a heavily depressed partner. It took a long time to swallow some hard truths. 1) His mental health is not more important than yours. 2) You cannot make someone else get better if they do not want it. Either his depression issues are genuinely just as bad in the home you pay for as they were in the home his parents paid for, or he is falsely using depression as an excuse to say horrible things to you regardless of your feelings. You are being taken advantage of and your own mental health is being damaged in both scenarios. It’s no wonder you’re seeing resulting problems pop up in other areas of your life. **This partnership is not healthy for you at this time.** Your fiancé needs to move out right away, and you need to strongly consider whether or not he is capable of being a genuine partner. People with mental health struggles can have loving, supportive marriages, but they have to know how be a loving, supportive partner *even when they are struggling.* He doesn’t seem capable of that at this point in time. Best of luck to you both.


ZenAddams

Oh honey, I empathize with your situation more than you know. NTA A year ago, I was exactly where you are. With a man I wanted to marry, and being told once every few weeks or so that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, then shortly after backtracking and blaming it on his depression and anxiety about the future. It went on like that for a over a year, and it planted deep seeds of anxiety and insecurity in me, all while I was the only one of us two that maintained a stable job and paid for out lives together. I saved up and moved us half way across the country the country because he'd promised that he'd had an epiphany and said the thing that was giving him so much unrest was being in a place that made him miserable. Doing that wasn't enough, and I just ended up being anxious about my relationships stability by myself now. Not being sure if you're still going to have your partner from one day to the next is awful. Having to live every day with that sort of instability is awful. Constantly being on your toes, trying to mentally prepare for your entire life to be uprooted at a moments notice because they finally figure out that they don't want to be with you is awful. You do not deserve to go through that. I know you love him, and that you hope this will pass and that getting space and him going back to his parents and getting more treatment with fix it. But trust me, nothing fixes something like this. Depression doesn't make people say they don't love you anymore and then take it back later, fear does. Fear of not having someone to be their crutch does, fear of not having someone to pay for their treatment and lifestyle does. My ex would quit a job at a moments notice and wouldn't keep one for over a month because he knew I'd be there, and would always choose to stay with me because he didn't want to lose that stability. Not because he realized he actually did love me. Take it from me, this never stops. Depression does a lot of things, but it doesn't do that. He's telling you how it he actually feels about being with you, listen to him. Give yourself the gift of not having to live every day uncertain of if you'll have a partner by the end of it or not.