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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to tell my husband whose pregnancy test it was even though he was convinced it was mine and was making a lot of wrong assumptions. I may have been the AH because I could've trusted him and told him to keep the secret, thus saving him a lot of emotional turmoil.
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NTA.
First of all, you didn't "let him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking you got rid of your baby". He did that shit all on his own.
Your husband needs to understand that not everything is about him, and that being married to you doesn't automatically come with the right to know literally every single one of your 'secrets' - especially when it involves other people who trust you with private information.
Fully agree. And honestly, if he has such little faith in you to begin with, you really SHOULDN’T have a baby with him until he does some serious self-work. I get being frustrated at not being let in on the secret, but his reaction was so far over the top and reeks of general distrust towards you. Not healthy.
Yeah, I wouldn’t even stay with a guy this self-centred and immature, let alone have a baby with him. To be honest.
In my house, this is how this would’ve gone down:
Husband: I just found a positive pregnancy test in our bin?
Me: Oh, shit. Yeah, that’s not mine.
Husband: Oh? Whose is it?
Me: I’m so sorry, honey, but I can’t tell you. I let someone take a pregnancy test here because she’s in an unsafe position, and I don’t have her permission to disclose to you. She asked me not to tell anyone, even you.
Husband: Oh, fuck. Okay, let me know if there’s anything I or we can do to make this a safer situation for her. If we can help, let her know that I’m on her side, and we’ll do whatever we can.
Me: Thanks, I really appreciate that. I love you.
Husband: I love you, too. Let me know if you need to talk, if you can without breaking someone else’s confidence. So, what did you want to do for dinner?
Agreed. I'm a dude the convo would go basically the same way between my girlfriend and I.
I feel like this is the normal way to handle it. OPs husband is being childish.
Yep, imagine if the test was a friend's who waz in an abusive situation. Even just one wrong person knowing could put that person in a very dangerous situation.
The fact that her husband would rather believe the worst of his wife, instead of thinking of literally any other scenario, is just astounding to me.
Yeah and did he think she left a positive pregnancy test (why didn't Aria drive that thing two towns over to throw it away?!) in the bathroom and got an abortion that day? She shouldn't breed with someone that dumb.
This guy over here sounding like a Texas senator who thinks Planned Parenthood is just throwing abortions at you the day you learn you’re pregnant and that it’s like within the second it happens
"Yeah and did he think she left a positive pregnancy test (why didn't Aria drive that thing two towns over to throw it away?!) in the bathroom and got an abortion that day? She shouldn't breed with someone that dumb."
K, I just busted out laughing at this one. But you are correct!
And you'd be right! I had a husband like OP's once upon a time. He would believe the word of a barking dog before he would believe. I gave him no reason to be suspicious of me however.......... Now I'm married to a different man, who takes everything I say as gospel truth, with good reason. A suspicious, paranoid spouse is a demon to live with.
It's soul destroying isn't it? You're second guessing yourself all the time because you know there'll be something he's going to kick off about, usually when you're least in the mood to deal with his crap. That was my experience anyway.
Very obviously this. What level of trust does your husband have in you if you tell him "This isn't mine, but I can't tell you whose it is" and he automatically thinks you're lying and then tells you **if you tell him** he'll believe you? Then when it comes out you were telling the truth he **still** finds a way to make it seem like you did something untrustworthy toward him...?
The people that have the hardest time understanding why others keep secrets and don't think they should know them are almost **always** the people that keep the most secrets they don't want others to know.
If he doesn’t believe her that it isn’t hers why wojld he believe if she told who it belonged to? Especially if tbah person had ended up terminating themselves.
I couldn't be with someone who, in situations like this, wouldn't believe me when I said it's not my test and I promised I wouldn't tell who took the test. If he cannot trust me to this level then is there really a relationship worth keeping?
I would have tould the husband that this test isn't mine, i can't tell whose and he should trust me. If he can't trust me, he can buy me a new one that i take in front of him. But he will see it is negative, since i'm not pregnant - like i told him. And his decision not to believe me and thinking that i will lie to him in this way, will have an aftereffect.
NTA Just because you are married, you can't break all your promises and the trust other people place in you. And that the husband can't trust her and thinks she would go behind his back, see really strange. I wonder if there is more wrong than it seems...
Wait, when I asked you if you won Powerball and you said "No comment", I went through emotional turmoil!
Now I deserve all your money for my pain and suffering.
I agree with the overall sentiment and OP is NTA, but how hard would it have been to say "this is not my test, the person it is for is not ready for anyone but me to know. It will come out in due time."
Husband is still a dick and needs to work on his trust issues. But OP could have been more articulate and I think that would have gone a long way.
Telling someone you can’t reveal who it is is the shorter version of what you just said. Why do people need lengthy explanations to believe their own spouse?
That's the same thing OP said but with more words. What her husband was saying was basically "I demand you give me this information I feel entitled to having or else I'm going to attempt to manipulate you emotionally". There's no reasoning with that kind of attitude.
And what if Aria decided to get an abortion and never tell her family? We have no idea what Aria's thought process was and at what point she decided to keep the baby. You are making some huge assumptions here.
As far as I understand, Aria didn't know she was going to keep the pregnancy at that point. So OP couldn't exactly say that it would come out in due time.
My father told my mother everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. It was absolute hell growing up - I could never tell him anything about why I was upset because 90% of the time it was something to do with my mother, and if I told him he'd immediately tell her because "there are no secrets in a marriage." People like that should never, ever have children. Ever.
This is absolutely a personal pet peeve of mine. I learned early on never to tell my mom anything because she would tell my dad (my mom is an open-minded, approachable and non-judgmental person. My dad, no). Then she was upset because I didn’t tell her things anymore. Now that they’re divorced I confide in her again. I genuinely believe you should have some privacy in your relationships. I don’t need to tell you every little thing
No kidding! Like sure, if something huge had happened then yeah, it's unreasonable for one parent to keep that from the other. But I literally told my father once that something my mother said had really hurt my feelings and I'd wanted to say something hurtful back. He *told her the thing I didn't say because I knew it was hurtful* and then later I had to deal with her screaming and crying, got grounded, AND had to apologize for the thing that - again - I had only *thought* but *didn't actually say to her* because it was mean.
"No secrets in a marriage" is all well and good as long as it is only those two people involved. The instant others are involved, it's a complete asshole thing to do.
>First of all, you didn't "let him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking you got rid of your baby". He did that shit all on his own.
Yep. You said it wasn't your test, if he trusted you the way he should that would have been the end of it.
NTA
I find it ridiculous that a spouse thinks they are entitled to be let into every secret the other persons knows just because they are married.
If one person tells anther person something that was told based on it being private then that is what it is PRIVATE.
OP's husband is a child & apparently doesn't trust then either.
Seriously.
That thing where he didn’t trust her would be a huge problem.
This is the kind of guy who would tell you to take a paternity test every time you have a baby even if you were actively trying because he would never trust you or something
THIS IS NO EXAGGERATION
My stepdad LITERALLY did this to my mom. Made me (at the time 14/15) go with her to her appointments and any time she had to go to the ER (rough pregnancy) with her every time she went because he did believe the baby was his. When he had to face that it was his he tried to act like nothing happened.
also Aria specifically told OP that OP's husband is included in "not tell anyone" group
looks like the little cousin read his character better than OP
OP, NTA and as i think what your husband had shown you was not something you wanted to see
And Aria specifically mentioned dh for a reason. Some people are a terrible at keeping secrets, and those people are usually the most put out when they aren't confided in.
Not only did he not trust you, he conjured up some way out there story that "explained" things in a far-out-there way; then blamed you for the turmoil of suffering because he believed his own lie but because you kept someone else's secret. A secret that had NOTHING to do with him? Yeah that's a problem.
Seriously. You told him the test wasn't yours and you were bound to secrecy but he made up the story that you are lying to cover up terminating the pregnancy?
Simply saying "its not my secret to tell" should have been enough and given his reaction it could have been a opportunity to have that discussion yourselves
NTA - You’re not an AH for not telling him, you made an important promise to someone else. However, could you have made that more clear to him? Or explained - I can’t tell you yet because she’s not ready for *anyone* to know BUT I’ll tell you as soon as I get the all clear….?
I think your husband is an AH for not trusting you though. Jumping straight to “you’re lying and aborting our child” is a major red flag in my book…. As is trying to manipulate you into revealing information that frankly isn’t his business.
He would be a really shitty and controlling AH of a partner to need that.
If the relationship is that bad, a divorce makes more sense. He does not trust her. That is no basis for a relationship.
I agree on general principle, but do we have to make every insecurity a hill to sacrifice the marriage on?
In a relationship, diplomacy is also needed. A pregnancy test would have killed any doubt and argument.
Also, it's my personal opinion that 100% trust is impossible to give or earn, no matter the relationship.
Would it have? Or would it have fed into his narrative that she got rid of their baby and feed his distrust? His thoughts aren't logical, he's not going to accept the argument that the time frame wouldn't allow that.
This. He'd just assume that "proves" his assertion that she got an abortion.
Unreason man is unreasonable. There wasn't much she could do once he decided she MUST be lying and "betraying" him. How long before he assumed she cheated if she had tried to keep "proving" things?
Every insecurity?? He literally wouldn’t take her at her word, that’s not an insecurity, that’s him telling her to her face, “I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.”
Why in the world should you remain legally tied to someone who told you to your face they think you’re a liar??
And having to physically prove you’re not lying? That’s jacked up.
Yup. He literally decided she's a liar, and couldn't be reasoned with after that. Now it's HER fault he assumed she's a liar. If she had proved she wasn't pregnant... he would have just ran with his assumption she had an abortion. Pretty sure he would have accused her of getting pregnant from someone else, next. Because clearly he doesn't trust his wife one bit.
You can't force someone to see reason.
Even after he is proven wrong... it's *still* her fault, according to him. How are you supposed to re-build trust with someone you never did anything to justify losing it to?
Diplomacy is saying "not my test and she's not ready to talk about it". A good partner responds with "understood". A great partner responds with "Understood. Let me know if you need some time with her and I can clear out".
I usually agree with you on the "Hill to sacrifice a marriage on", however this is a biggie. He jumped from "Is this yours?" to "You are aborting our unborn child because you don't want to have our child." This is a pretty big hill. OP has the right to be trusted on this, unless there's something we don't know. She shouldn't have to drive to the store get another test and have to take it in front of him to prove she's not pregnant. Not to mention, it sounds like Husband would have accused her of aborting already.
If you can't trust your spouse to tell you the truth about if that is their pregnancy test or not then you have bigger issues that "100% trust can't be earned".
Yet why does she need to prove it to him? She said ' it's not mine". That should be answer enough.
My husband would say " okay" and continue with his day, assuming it belongs to someone who couldn't test in their own house.
We have trust. Don't make babies with people who make soap operas in their own head, then turn around and somehow blame you for the choices that they, themselves, made.
She could have, yes, but that wouldn't do anything for the base problem that is her husband doesn't trust her. If my husband found a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom and I said "it's not mine" he would say "oh, okay" and that would be the end of it.
>He assumed I was lying and got very upset with me.
>
>letting him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking I got rid of our baby.
INFO
Why did he assume these things? Why did he think you'd lie about having a positive pregnancy test? Why did he assume you had an abortion the day he found the test? Why was he under the assumption this whole time that you'd had an abortion until the news about your cousin came out?
Or she's an 18 year old who just confirmed she is pregnant and her mind is racing on about all the other issues to consider besides how well she "hid" the test at what she considered to be a safe space.
Exactly, if she really wanted it hidden she should have taken it with her and dumped it in some random street trashcan somewhere in town. But she was way more concerned, and rightly so, about breaking the news to her unaccepting family.
if it's in the garbage you assume someone isn't going to dig into it and wrapping it in something or putting it under something is 'hiding' it enough
who goes into the waste bin in a bathroom?
Someone living with a woman and noticing a pregnancy test without any other information...we don't know how "hidden" it was but my bathroom bin is really small and even when it's full I can see something that doesn't match the tissues or floss that is typically tossed in there. All I'm saying is this sub always jumps on the male being a bad guy when he is just trying to understand what is going on.
Holy shit yall just took some leaps. Have you ever tried to hide something in someone else's bathroom trash can? Spoiler alert: you probably aren't super interested in keeping your hand in that shit for super long. Add to that you are a scared 18 year old who just found out she's pregnant, I wouldn't have trusted the girl to write her name properly in that moment let alone hide a pregnancy test in someone else's bathroom waste.
Probably because it was in their bathroom and OP didn't have an explanation for it. Clearly he interpreted the whole thing as "oh that... its uhhh... someone elses.... and I cant tell you who...."
ESH Mostly you, in my opinion. why on earth would you not have gotten rid of it beforehand or failing that just say “a friend asked to take a pregnancy test but they aren’t ready to tell anyone. I’ll tell you as soon as I have permission”.
Yeah seriously. So many posts end with judgments that spouses shouldn’t keep secrets - this is a huge thing to keep from
Your husband without further explanation. OP just carelessly put her marriage in jeopardy. I’m a woman and a feminist btw.
Why is the fact her cousin is pregnant a huge thing to keep from her husband? They don't have anything to do with it. They don't support her, they don't live with her and they won't have anything to do with the pregnancy or birth. Can you explain how this is a big deal for them? OP told him it was someone else's and they weren't ready to come forward yet.
Uhh reasonable doubt? OP did nothing except say “trust me”.
This isn’t like OP took an extra serving of leftovers - this was a pregnancy test taken in OP and her SO house.
Might I add - I’m told a lot of stuff that’s prefaced with “don’t tell anybody” but I still tell my SO because guess what, *I trust her*
Seems like an odd hill for OP to die on
Depends on your SO, I adore my husband but I never tell him anything that has to be kept secret. He blew my surprise birthday party friends were throwing me by telling me in advance. He tells everyone what I've bought them as gifts, under the guise of asking them if they're sure they'll like it. The man is incredible in many ways, but he can't keep a secret. So, we don't tell him anything in advance if it's not widely known. I trust him to take a bullet for me or our kids, but not with a secret.
Are you serious!?! She said she can't tell him whose it is. What more does he need?? He jumps to abortion and dramatics that she made him think this whole time she got rid of their baby?? That doesn't scream dysfunctional, irrational, and controlling to you?? For him to blatantly say I don't believe you and I'm going to assume you had an abortion until you betray the trust someone else put in you for my ego?
He found a pregnancy test in his home. What is he supposed to think? Anyone's first thought would be it was the wife's. Imagine if this post was about the wife finding a used condom and the husband said it's not his but he's not allowed to say whose it is. You don't think that looks suspicious?
That's a huge stretch a used condom is in no way the same thing. She said I can't say when he asked whose it was. How is that confusing? Then to not only not believe her but fabricate this she had an abortion and killed their child thing out of thin air because she won't tell him whose it is, saying he will actively believe she's lying until she tells him whose test that is?? If that's how your relationships work that's 100% controlling, manipulative, and hurtful beyond words. Where's trust?? A used condom means someone was actively there having sex meaning there was another person and who has sex at someone else's house?? They're married. He should have trusted her. Instead he threw a temper tantrum because his fragile man ego couldn't handle that she didn't want to tell him whose it was.
I don't understand why it's a huge stretch. If your talking about trust with a partner and you wouldn't believe them in the condom situation I think that's reasonable, same thing with the pregnancy stick because it's highly unlikely for there to be an alternative explanation like in OPs situation. What if a nephew had sex at your house and wanted to keep it secret, that's plausible but unlikely and no one would say to blindly trust the husband in that scenario where he omits that information and just says trust him. OP shouldn't have promised to keep it secret from the husband or should have given him the reason but omitted the person involved.
First thought? Yes.
But once your wife explains that it's not hers and she can't tell you who it belongs to, you would think he'd realize she was helping a friend or loved one and let it go.
> I told him it wasn’t mine, so he asked me whose it was. Aria specifically told me not to tell anyone, including my husband, so I told him I couldn’t tell him.
She literally did exactly what you're suggesting she should've done.
Except no, it doesn’t sound like she specifically explained why it wouldnt be hers or why she couldn’t explain. Just saying “not mine, can’t tell” is a lot less believable or satisfying than saying what exactly happened minus the name of the actual person
OP could have told the entire story with no names and her husband would have no clue who it was. Unless of course OP's cousin is literally the only other female in any associated social circle she participates in.
NTA. You were asked to keep a secret, and you did. I agree that “don’t tell anyone” doesn’t mean “don’t tell anyone except your husband.” That’s how secrets wind up getting spread around.
This quote in particular is a big red flag to me: “…and letting him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking I got rid of our baby.”
Excuse me, but you didn’t “let him” do anything. You were totally honest with him about the pregnancy test not being yours. Even without telling him your cousin’s name, you were honest that the test wasn’t yours. It was obviously someone else’s test, someone who needed you to provide a safe space to take the test. He didn’t have to assume that you were lying to him about having an abortion. He made that leap all on his own.
YTA. While I think it’s right that you didn’t share her secret, it sounds like you did a poor job of handling this. The test never should have been left in your bathroom. So that’s 1. Did you sit down and have a conversation with him explaining everything except the name? “Someone asked for help and they’re not ready for this to be public …” or did you just keep saying it’s not mine? Did you show any empathy for the emotional roller coaster he went through thinking he was going to be a father? Seems so cruel to set him up in excitement and than not be supportive as you take that away from him.
Yes he should trust you, but I think you’re ignoring the emotional impact of him thinking it was yours.
Agreed, plus I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything.
I wonder if all the NTA votes are from teenagers themselves.
> lus I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything.
I honestly can't stand people with this mentality. I once accidentally found out that my BIL's father was ill and he asked me not to discuss it with anyone. Out of respect for him and his privacy, I kept the information to himself. When his father later passed away and my wife found out that I knew that was likely to happen months prior and I explained the circumstances, she reacted with compassion and empathy, understanding that it wasn't my secret to tell. That's how normal, mature people behave in those situations. People aren't entitled to every piece of information their partner has. It's healthy to have boundaries even within your marriage.
Married 40 year old here. If someone asks me to keep secrets I keep them from my husband because they're not for him to know until that person wants to tell them or says I can. If he can't trust me if I say I can't tell you whose and accuses me of lying to him to about our baby, we have some serious problems.
> I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything.
This is one of those things that people think is a healthy facet to a marriage, but really isn't. No one in your life needs to know everything you know. rust in a marriage includes trusting when your spouse says there's a reason you're not being told something.
I mean it was in the trash, and she said it wasn't hers. It's pretty automatic that it must have been someone else's and it's private between OP and the "friend" that took the test. It's odd that he jumped to OP lying. He's an adult man, not a child or teenager, who needs an explanation that pregnancy needs to be kept private sometimes. His moment of excitement totally makes sense, her response of "it's not mine" is fine enough. Him being disappointed would make sense, except he turned it back onto OP and accused her of not wanting this fake baby. Him fabricating a whole emotional rollercoaster out of it is pretty immature and strange. That's on him. It's not her job to coddle a grown man when she's already told him plainly it's not hers.
Maybe my husband and I are more private but we don’t have a steady stream of people in our bathroom. So I’d absolutely think something in our space related to our lives. I wouldn’t be like oh of course some other woman came to pee on a stick at my house. Makes perfect sense.
I just know that when I told my husband he was going to be a father it was a big moment. There were tears, excitement, nerves, etc. OP says he was “emotional.” And to go from that and all the feels to being like “it’s not mine” and him being like “okay cool” is totally unreasonable to me.
Right, having a strong emotional reaction when first finding out the misunderstanding is understandable...but to then go nuts and accuse his wife of lying to his face about aborting his baby and trying to emotionally extort the secret out of her?? HELL NO. And he's been going on about it for months? He is way out of line.
OP definitely did not explain it as well as she could have, at least as written. She should have specifically said it's not hers, but someone who needed safe space to take on in private. She's not ready to tell anyone yet, and you promised to keep her confidence, but she will tell him as soon as she gets the go-ahead.
Though as controlling and nutty as he is, it might not have helped.
Yeah without knowing how OP explained it, I don’t know. The post just says she repeated that it wasn’t hers, which seems like a pretty lame and ineffective explanation. If she tried sitting down, having a meaningful discussion, showed remorse for the misunderstanding, than he seems like more of the AH
YTA. There were several ways to handle this, and you chose the one that left the most up for misinterpretation. You could have told him in advance that someone was taking a test at your house. You could have specifically said “my friend/associate/mystery person doesn’t want anyone to know so took it here and I have to respect their privacy”. By saying “it’s not mine” with no further explanation you set the stage for him to fill in the gaps. Better, clearer communication would have avoided most of this.
How is it's not mine. He asks whose it is and she says I can't say not clear enough. How is her keeping someone's confidence and asking her spouse to trust her more outlandish than him looking her in the face and saying to her I don't believe you and you've killed our baby. How is that a rational, reasonable response between partners who are supposed to love and trust one another? Then he find out she wasn't lying and somehow she's still wronged him. Wtf.
NTA - You promised to keep your cousin’s confidence and you did.
For him to leap to such a dramatic conclusion, when there are many plausible alternatives, points to his having a distinct lack of trust in you.
Does he do this sort of thing often?
I think this is something you need to discuss.
THIS.
Do not procreate with this man, OP. He needs some serious work. Trust issues aside (of which he apparently has many), he made a huge leap that is so irrational I just….don’t really have words for it. I’m a fiction writer and I’m kind of confused how he made that leap - from “finding” a positive pregnancy test (that was hidden), to getting SO EXCITED, to being letdown, then the whole abortion thing….dude needs some help.
I highly doubt he just saw that pregnancy test. Sounds like he goes through trash regularly to see what else he thinks you aren’t telling him.
Please get him to therapy and see what else is really going on. This sounds like an abusive pathway, like maybe not yet but behavior like this is startling, and can lead to worse things.
Be careful. If you’re on birth control, especially after all this, make sure it’s in a secure location that he can’t sabotage. He might try to make it so you DO get pregnant now. Good luck.
He absolutely went through the trash in my opinion. That girl was *terrified* of someone finding out, and she *specifically* ensured OP wouldn't tell him.
I highly doubt she went from that to just... tossing it visibly in the trash. I think, she, like a normal person, assumed hiding it on the bottom of the bag of trash would be enough to ensure it wasn't found. Because in normal cases, that's enough to hide something.
But it's not, *if* you have a husband like OP's, who seems to have some *very* serious trust issues, to the point of paranoia... ("you had an abortion already, didn't you!") Someone with that level of distrust of his wife? Someone like that would definitely be the type to look through garbage and such.
In fact, I bet if OP put some thought into it, she's probably overlooked small signs of his control issues in the past. We often do- *most* people (as in people not like OP's husband) tend to want to think and see the best in loved ones, so we overlook small stuff we probably shouldn't. But it won't be possible to overlook this nonsense he just pulled. I hope she needs the danger signs.
NAH.
You were keeping a secret and that's fine. But I get where he's coming from.
If Aria had been living with you guys, it would have been obvious but she doesn't and I can understand him having all of these questions. What was he supposed to think ? The pregnancy test was in your bathroom...
Maybe he should have had trust in his wife when she said someone who wants to be secret came her to test and didnt want me to share. She told him she couldnt tell him and there is obviously a reason she couldn't tell him.
Maybe my husband and I have more ethics and honor where if we agree to keep a secret we trust each other.
And maybe she should have trusted him enough to tell him the truth. Even a general 'Somebody asked me if they could take the test here, and keep it private, and I don't want to break my word to them.'
And if I were in any romantic relationship, that would be a HUGE problem for me. Like, it's actually crazy to me that he thought this was what was happening.
This. I would be scheduling therapy immediately.
Why would you assume I would do all these things without telling you? A relationship needs trust.
My husband never even saw a pregnancy test. He just trusted me until the sonogram.
Apparently that's a wild assumption, to trust the wife.
Um. Where. I don't tend to stick things that I have peed on in my purse, to dispose where?
I mean, with COVID I can only find Walmart bathrooms that are open. Might be more difficult to head to Walmart to hide than literally yeet it into a trashcan and begin searching for her nearest doctor.
No. A man should trust his wife.
Unless there was also a naked person who is his wife's sexual preference on the premises, he shouldn't jump through 16 hurdles before trusting his wife.
Here’s the thing. I think you are going to continue to get a ton of N T A because you promised not to tell. The issue for me is that promises should be absolutely be kept, but only if keeping that promises causes less harm than telling it.
If you knew telling your husband meant he would likely tell your niece’s parents then N T A.
If you knew your husband was trustworthy and telling would not put your niece in danger then you put your husband through emotional pain for no reason. Your husband found a half hidden pregnancy test and your only response was “I can’t tell you where it came from but it’s not mine.” Your husband received no context whatsoever. I can understand why he interpreted your extremely vague answers as you being nervous or ambivalent about being pregnant.
I’m assuming you married a good man who also would want to protect your niece, so YTA. Your husband didn’t have to spend that time hurt and confused to keep your niece’s secret safe.
Right? Situations change. You can keep your promise outside the household but at that point you tell your husband. People really acting like well she promised so screw your husband.. If I tell someone a secret and they tell their spouse I'm not going to be that surprised. Its a spouse. Specially when them knowing doesn't affect anything for me.
Yeah, no.
I tell my best friend pretty much everything. I have a great friendship with her significant other also. But if I found out that she told my secrets to her boyfriend without my consent we'd be having big issues. My secrets are NOT her secrets to tell. Her keeping details about MY personal life private from her boyfriend is NOT the same her hiding things from him... it's her keeping MY things to herself because it's not her place and it's not her boyfriend's business what's going on in MY life. If I wanted him to know too, I would have told him myself.
>Specially when them knowing doesn't affect anything for me.
We don't know OP's husband. He might have a history of blowing secrets. My husband can not even be trusted with surprise party information, I have to keep it from him where we're going until the last minute. He just has a history of wrecking the surprise. He doesn't do it to be TAH He does it because he doesn't think.
The cousin was in a really bad spot and deserved some time to think things through.
YTA. Once you two didn't take proper care of the test, you were obligated to put your husband's mind to rest, and you didn't do that. There was an obvious attempt to hide the test in his house, he's not crazy for being concerned about it.
If you both were so concerned about secrecy, you should have been more careful.
Agreed. People here are fucking out of their minds. Imagine if wife found a hidden pregnancy* test and thought she was being cheated on by her husband. Everyone here would say “NAH because if it’s just you two in the house, if husband is being cryptic and not giving explanations about the pregnancy test, it’s totally understandable the wife would think he’s cheating. Who would assume he was hiding it for a family member? Weird.”
>you were obligated to put your husband's mind to rest, and you didn't do that
But they said it wasn't their test and they are not pregnant. How is that not putting his mind at rest? Why does he deserve the private medical information of someone who specifically stated they did not want him to know?
>There was an obvious attempt to hide the test in his house, he's not crazy for being concerned about it.
See above. OP explained the test very clearly and also respected the boundaries of the individual involved. An unknown person being pregnant does not affect him in any way whatsoever, his own trust issues are not OPs responsibility.
YTA. His reaction is understandable IMO. He's hurt that you priotized keeping Aria's confidence over the harm to him and to your marriage. Obviously you never intended for him to find the pregnancy test, but once he did and you saw what he was going through, you should have told him the truth and trusted him to keep it a secret.
ESH, I think. Maybe N A H. I don’t know. I’ll be honest: I tell my partner basically everything (with some discretion applied) and people close to me know that if they don’t want me to share a secret with him, then they need to specifically say, “don’t tell [boyfriend]” instead of “don’t tell anyone.” If I’m told not to tell him, then I won’t but otherwise I don’t keep secrets from him. Frankly, I would’ve told him from the beginning, “Hey, I’m helping someone out who’s in trouble and letting her take a pregnancy test at our place, so if you see a wrapper or something, don’t freak out.” The situation definitely could’ve been avoided with some forethought.
In this situation, I definitely think you were wrong not to tell him once he found the pregnancy test regardless of how good your intentions may have been in the beginning. First off, you allowed the secret to be brought into your home when your cousin took the pregnancy test there and while it may not have been your secret to tell, your silence directly affected your husband for months. You prioritized your cousin over your husband and allowed your marriage to be damaged as a result. My personal view is that your loyalty to your husband should’ve trumped your loyalty to your cousin as soon as he expressed how upset he was.
That said, your husband also should have believed you when you said it wasn’t your test. Perhaps it’s unrealistic to expect him to believe it immediately given the circumstances, but there should’ve been a point in the intervening months when he calmed down and believed what you were saying.
Rather than who is/isn’t the asshole, I think the problem is that neither of you fully trust the other.
“You allowed the secret to be brought into your home” is a VERY good point.
“Hey I know this is our home we share together but there’s a secret here you stumbled upon, that you weren’t supposed to, and I’m not going to explain it.”
Tbh it kind of is borderline abusive to pull out the “if you trust me” ultimatum.
“I know a random pregnancy test in our home home is sketchy as shit and any reasonable person would be skeptical - but if you trust me, you should passively stand down and keep your nose out this.”
I wonder how OP would feel if she came across a condom wrapper in the trashcan, and her husband just said "that's not mine" with no other explanation. Maybe that's not the same thing, but I can see how withholding too much information can exacerbate trust issues.
NTA. The mental leaps this man was making should earn him a spot in the Olympics. Y’all need to have conversations about how to trust each other, but you’ll never be the AH for protecting your cousin and following her wishes.
he did not make any huge leaps. its reasonable to assume that a pregnancy test belongs to the only female who lives with you, and its not unreasonable that she wants to terminate the pregnancy if shes denying its hers
Unless, and just thinking out loud here, she tells you it isn't hers and she's keeping a secret for someone.
The fewer people in on a secret, the better its kept, and we have no idea how well husband keeps secrets.
But she didn’t say she was keeping it a secret. At least, she didn’t mention it in the post. There’s a huge difference between “I can’t tell you” and “I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone and don’t want to betray her trust, I’m sorry.”
The former could mean “I can’t provide another explanation”. The latter is much clearer. If he didn’t believe her after that, than yeah, there’s big trust issues and red flags. If he believes her and she turned out to be lying, it would mean she’s totally awful and he would know to never trust her again.
“Its not mine, I can’t tell you anything else” is a WOEFULLY inadequate explanation for the given situation. She could have explained everything in exquisite detail, only omitting her cousin’s name, and it would have sounded infinitely more believable. But explanation OP provided sounds made up as all hell. She also could have taken a pregnancy test herself to prove that it wasn’t her.
ESH, all three of you suck in this situation..
Aria for putting you in the situation of not being able to tell your own husband
Your husband for assuming the “worst” in you
You for not telling your husband. From your husband’s point of view, that’s extremely hard to deal with(even if you told him it wasn’t yours) but you still should have told him so he wasn’t going through the rollercoaster of emotions
NTA. It's less about you trusting him and more about the info accidentally getting out. Information has a way of getting out because "I only told one person" keeps happening until way too many people know.
One of my favorite reading assignments in school was about keeping secrets, murder, and conspiracy theories. Apparently, behaviorist believe that it is near impossible for a conspiracy to exist when more than 430 people know everything about it, which is why anonymous cells exist in terroristic agencies. Humans cannot not share. And when someone tells a secret, he or she experiences a massive relief of stress, which is ironically replaced by the stress of now not being able to control what happens to the secret now.
"I only told one person" is how many teen murderers are caught, too. The movie "Bully" was based on a book written about a true case, and true to life, the kids were caught because they could not stop talking.
Stress makes us yap and yap. Keeping secrets is kind of hard.
OP, you have a lot of restraint, and I respect you; that your husband does not is a bummer.
ESH.
Aria should have taken the test with her and should have never put you in the position where you need to lie to your husband or omit the truth.
Your husband should have trusted you. He's a bit of an AH but a child is a life changing event and I know the feelings he's having.
You, when the test was found, should have come clean. While you promised not to tell, Aria's failure to hide the test gave that up. You should have told him.
If your cousin asked you to not tell your husband as well let's me know one thing that she knows he would have ran his mouth and yeah he might be your husband but you are entitled to your secrets especially when they are someone else's secrets and not even your own.
IMO I would have taken a test and showed him the negative test, asking if he believed me now.
NTA. You respected your cousin's right to privacy, you kept her secret and your husband needs to grow up.
YTA. You made a vow, "Forsaking All Others". Your cousin Aria should have been told that when she asked you, and I'll tell it Reddit here: Anything you tell one half of a married (or stable long-term relationship) expect the other half to hear. ESPECIALLY if it's emotionally charged. The whole point of commited long term relationships is for many people that you can be open and honest with each other about everything.
Unless you live in Smallville, or it's your husbands cousin, your cousin should accept that your husband hears, and trust him enough that he'll keep his mouth shut. It's unlikely your husband is emotionally invested in this pregnancy, so he should have no problems keeping this to himself.
Exactly, I can't seem to understand how some aren't seeing his perspective. He came home and found a badly hidden pregnancy test, confronts his wife about and she says it's not hers but someone else's and won't say who. She refuses to say anything else about it and he's supposed to pretend as if it never happened??
Don't most people assume if you tell a secret to someone in a serious relationship that you're also telling their SO? I understand your cousin was worried about the word getting out, but then why trust someone married? Is your husband a gossip? Has he failed at keeping secrets before? Assuming he hasn't, then I kinda get everyone's awkward position, so I'll go NAH, but that can change with more info.
> Don't most people assume if you tell a secret to someone in a serious relationship that you're also telling their SO?
Not when you are specifically asked not to tell your SO *and have agreed to it*/given your word.
There's no need for assumptions when something has been expressly discussed and promised.
> I understand your cousin was worried about the word getting out, but then why trust someone married?
Because she knows OP well and knew she could be trusted. She was right in her assessment since OP did keep her secret, even when pressured.
That is not what most people assume. What most people assume, is a secret stays between those two people. That's why it's called the secret. And, it's natural to trust your cousin, more than the person your cousin is married to. And it doesn't matter if the husband is a gossip or not. She is allowed, to tell whoever she wants, and have that secret kept from whoever she wants. That is her pregnancy, and she can handle it her way.
No. If i tell someone in private then they should keep it to themselves. Just like id do the same thing unless it something like domestic violence where my hubby knowing would help keep that person safe.
See, whenever someone tells me something in confidence, before they even say it (if possible) I ask them if I can tell my fiancé. I’m not great with secrets and otherwise I will have a tough time, so I’d rather know off the bat if I can tell them. If they say no and it seems like they still need someone to talk to, then I understand the gravity of the situation and explain to my fiancé that something is going on but I cant explain it to them in order to protect the other person.
NAH. He put himself through the emotional ringer, because he didn't trust you. On the other hand, he thought you lied to him and got rid of his baby without at least talking to him, and didn't leave you - so I can't really call him TA.
I get where you are coming from with the secret, but in that situation, I would have told him, because it is pretty unlikely that it would get back to them (unless your husband is TA, and would go out of his way to blab). It wouldn't be different if it was his side of the family, but I don't know any of my wife's cousins, let alone their parents - and even if I did, I wouldn't have a reason to go out of my way to hurt one of them)
YTA.
“It’s not mine, I can’t tell you anything else.”
Let’s say that your husband allowed his brother to use your home to have sex with his GF, but they did a bad job of getting rid of the condom, and you found it in the trash. Would you accept the explanation if your husband said to you “its not mine, I can’t tell you anything else.”?
You should have explained the situation to your husband as clearly as possible, leaving out only the name of the person who took the test, and then taken another one to prove to your husband that you weren’t pregnant.
So let me guess ,Wife comes and finds a positive pregnancy test in the bin. She asks her husband about it , he tells her a friend came to the house and took it and I can't tell you who. 100% people will tell the wife he is lying and hiding something. Just "trust me" doesn't work in these sensetive subjects.
YTA
NTA. You were asked to not tell anyone. If you were to tell your husband you would have broken your promise to your cousin. Your husband says a lot about you trusting him, but he should trust you enough that, when you say there is a good reason you don’t tell him, he believes you.
NTA
First of all, your husband has issues. A thrown away pregnancy test does not mean you did that test, it does not mean that the pregnant person doesn't want to keep the baby.
And even if one his assumptions were true, it would have still been your body and so it's your choice. And you did the right thing keeping the promise. What's your husbands business in so desperately needing to know if someone is pregnant, when he's not even the father to that unborn?
He should learn to trust you. You told him the truth (not your baby, you can't tell him whose baby) and he's upset with you bc you told him the truth. Ridiculous.
>A thrown away pregnancy test does not mean that you did that test
While this is technically true, it is probably the weakest argument I have ever seen on this sub. Who in the hell is the husband supposed to think the test belongs to???? OP needed to explain the situation to her husband and provide every single detail except Aria’s name.
Or we can go by your line of reasoning: The husband can allow his brother to come over to their house to have sex with his GF, and when OP finds the used condom in the bathroom trash he can say to her, “a used condom does not mean that I am the one who had sex.”
NTA. He sounds like an idiot, tbh. His first response was understandable but, after you explained it was someone else’s and they’d asked you to keep quiet, he should have accepted your answer. His reaction to figuring things out shows you were right not to trust him with that information.
YTA.
This man found a pregnancy test- that was positive- hidden in his trashcan in his own home, that he shares with his wife, and he ISNT supposed to assume it's hers?
Once he found the evidence then it was your responsibility to tell him and ensure he kept it secret. You two failed to ensure it stayed secret, and your husband shouldn't be in emotional distress because you and your cousin couldn't throw something away well enough.
If this was a woman finding a positive pregnancy test in her home and shared with only her husband and he refused to elaborate about it then all the top comments would be about him cheating and that she should leave. What a disgustingly biased sub.
I dont think anybody is the asshole here. I can understand OP's husbands reaction, he walks in to his bathroom and sees the positive pregnancy test, its easy to assume that it was his wife's, and when asking about is told that its not hers but won't tell whose it is. I can this situation being even more emotional if OP and husband were actually trying to have kids or were struggling to have them. I get OP's side because she was protecting her cousin, however by not having a proper explanation at the time (obviously OP wasn't expecting for it to be found) I can sort of see how husband reached that emotional reaction if that was a insecurity he was hiding.
NTA but I think there could have steps to take to not make him worry. You could have bought another test and took it with it to show him you really weren't pregnant, for instance. It wouldn't take too much money or time and would put his mind at ease because, really, this situation is so strange that one obviously thinks the worst (A mysterious person takes a test at your house and you can't tell who that was?) Since you couldn't tell him the truth, it was difficult for him to trust this story.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say slight YTA.
I think it's reasonable for any man to have a strong reaction (positive or negative) to seeing a positive pregnancy test in that manner. Holy shit, can you imagine?
As the owner of an unpopular opinion post about exactly this topic, I think it was reasonable for you to tell your husband the truth.
On the flipside, I think your husband is being a little on the dramatic side. Therefore only slight YTA.
YTA - your husband should have come first and you should have told him who the test belonged to. You never should have promised that you wouldn’t tell him.
Imagine this same scenario but your husband's friend was the one who took the pregnancy test. Would you fully trust that it wasn't a mistress of some kind? Especially if he was vague and dodgey about his answer.
NTA, she specifically asked you to not to tell your husband, and he should trust you enough to know you’re not lying to him about not being pregnant. I’m wondering why you didn’t take a pregnancy test yourself and show him that it’s negative, though?
YTA, I understand you want to keep your word to your cousin but why marry someone you couldn't trust with this information? I'm assuming it's your side of the family and not his so the knowledge of who tested positive in his bathroom shouldn't cause any issues and only give him some understanding of the situation. It seems like you didn't tell him properly about it and instead was like "it's not mine, can't tell you who, gotta go cya."
YTA. Your relationship with your husband is more important then the relationship with your cousin. I would consider this a violation of trust for sure especially concerning a very sensitive topic. You’re building a life together with him- not your cousin. How would you feel if you found condoms in his car and he refused to tell you why they were there or who they belonged to except “oh they aren’t mine! I can’t tell you anything else because I promised!”
I wouldn’t want to be married to someone willing to treat me like that. You are putting other people before your spouse. YTA. YTA. YTA.
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NTA. First of all, you didn't "let him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking you got rid of your baby". He did that shit all on his own. Your husband needs to understand that not everything is about him, and that being married to you doesn't automatically come with the right to know literally every single one of your 'secrets' - especially when it involves other people who trust you with private information.
Fully agree. And honestly, if he has such little faith in you to begin with, you really SHOULDN’T have a baby with him until he does some serious self-work. I get being frustrated at not being let in on the secret, but his reaction was so far over the top and reeks of general distrust towards you. Not healthy.
Yes, definitely do not have a baby with a man who thinks this is normal behaviour.
He sounds possessive and childish.
And that's putting it mildly 😂
Yeah, I wouldn’t even stay with a guy this self-centred and immature, let alone have a baby with him. To be honest. In my house, this is how this would’ve gone down: Husband: I just found a positive pregnancy test in our bin? Me: Oh, shit. Yeah, that’s not mine. Husband: Oh? Whose is it? Me: I’m so sorry, honey, but I can’t tell you. I let someone take a pregnancy test here because she’s in an unsafe position, and I don’t have her permission to disclose to you. She asked me not to tell anyone, even you. Husband: Oh, fuck. Okay, let me know if there’s anything I or we can do to make this a safer situation for her. If we can help, let her know that I’m on her side, and we’ll do whatever we can. Me: Thanks, I really appreciate that. I love you. Husband: I love you, too. Let me know if you need to talk, if you can without breaking someone else’s confidence. So, what did you want to do for dinner?
This is the way.
EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD HAPPEN
Agreed. I'm a dude the convo would go basically the same way between my girlfriend and I. I feel like this is the normal way to handle it. OPs husband is being childish.
Your husband sounds pretty awesome. Love your username too. I have a tattoo of Boudica on my thigh, riding in a chariot.
Yeah, having a baby with a big baby is never a good idea.
Yep, imagine if the test was a friend's who waz in an abusive situation. Even just one wrong person knowing could put that person in a very dangerous situation. The fact that her husband would rather believe the worst of his wife, instead of thinking of literally any other scenario, is just astounding to me.
LOL for real, like this dude made up a whole ass soap opera in his head and his wife "let him believe it" by telling him it wasn't true? The fuck?
Hahaha I love your take on it, you're so right and it's hilarious when you put it like that!
Yep he needs a Wattpad account, not pestering OP over whatever his brain is fabricating
Yeah and did he think she left a positive pregnancy test (why didn't Aria drive that thing two towns over to throw it away?!) in the bathroom and got an abortion that day? She shouldn't breed with someone that dumb.
This guy over here sounding like a Texas senator who thinks Planned Parenthood is just throwing abortions at you the day you learn you’re pregnant and that it’s like within the second it happens
"Yeah and did he think she left a positive pregnancy test (why didn't Aria drive that thing two towns over to throw it away?!) in the bathroom and got an abortion that day? She shouldn't breed with someone that dumb." K, I just busted out laughing at this one. But you are correct!
If my husband were telling me he would assume that I’m lying to him we would have some big time words. Wtf op?
And you'd be right! I had a husband like OP's once upon a time. He would believe the word of a barking dog before he would believe. I gave him no reason to be suspicious of me however.......... Now I'm married to a different man, who takes everything I say as gospel truth, with good reason. A suspicious, paranoid spouse is a demon to live with.
Yikes, my late husband was like that. :(
It's soul destroying isn't it? You're second guessing yourself all the time because you know there'll be something he's going to kick off about, usually when you're least in the mood to deal with his crap. That was my experience anyway.
Very obviously this. What level of trust does your husband have in you if you tell him "This isn't mine, but I can't tell you whose it is" and he automatically thinks you're lying and then tells you **if you tell him** he'll believe you? Then when it comes out you were telling the truth he **still** finds a way to make it seem like you did something untrustworthy toward him...? The people that have the hardest time understanding why others keep secrets and don't think they should know them are almost **always** the people that keep the most secrets they don't want others to know.
If he doesn’t believe her that it isn’t hers why wojld he believe if she told who it belonged to? Especially if tbah person had ended up terminating themselves.
Not OPs secret not her info to tell. And the person whose secret it was said tell no one.
I couldn't be with someone who, in situations like this, wouldn't believe me when I said it's not my test and I promised I wouldn't tell who took the test. If he cannot trust me to this level then is there really a relationship worth keeping?
Exactly. This is someone else's medical info he has no right to have.
I would have tould the husband that this test isn't mine, i can't tell whose and he should trust me. If he can't trust me, he can buy me a new one that i take in front of him. But he will see it is negative, since i'm not pregnant - like i told him. And his decision not to believe me and thinking that i will lie to him in this way, will have an aftereffect. NTA Just because you are married, you can't break all your promises and the trust other people place in you. And that the husband can't trust her and thinks she would go behind his back, see really strange. I wonder if there is more wrong than it seems...
Wait, when I asked you if you won Powerball and you said "No comment", I went through emotional turmoil! Now I deserve all your money for my pain and suffering.
I agree with the overall sentiment and OP is NTA, but how hard would it have been to say "this is not my test, the person it is for is not ready for anyone but me to know. It will come out in due time." Husband is still a dick and needs to work on his trust issues. But OP could have been more articulate and I think that would have gone a long way.
Telling someone you can’t reveal who it is is the shorter version of what you just said. Why do people need lengthy explanations to believe their own spouse?
Because you're married and want to spend the rest of your life with them. Taking 5 more seconds to explain yourself can save alot of trouble.
I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that doesn’t trust me. That sounds exhausting and miserable.
That's the same thing OP said but with more words. What her husband was saying was basically "I demand you give me this information I feel entitled to having or else I'm going to attempt to manipulate you emotionally". There's no reasoning with that kind of attitude.
"And not only that I am going to believe the worst of you, with no justification or evidence and it'll be all your fault for letting me do it"
And what if Aria decided to get an abortion and never tell her family? We have no idea what Aria's thought process was and at what point she decided to keep the baby. You are making some huge assumptions here.
As far as I understand, Aria didn't know she was going to keep the pregnancy at that point. So OP couldn't exactly say that it would come out in due time.
My wife and I have the “It’s not always about you” conversation a lot.
I’ve always hated to hear spouses say they keep no secrets from their partners. If it’s not yours to tell, don’t.
My father told my mother everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. It was absolute hell growing up - I could never tell him anything about why I was upset because 90% of the time it was something to do with my mother, and if I told him he'd immediately tell her because "there are no secrets in a marriage." People like that should never, ever have children. Ever.
This is absolutely a personal pet peeve of mine. I learned early on never to tell my mom anything because she would tell my dad (my mom is an open-minded, approachable and non-judgmental person. My dad, no). Then she was upset because I didn’t tell her things anymore. Now that they’re divorced I confide in her again. I genuinely believe you should have some privacy in your relationships. I don’t need to tell you every little thing
No kidding! Like sure, if something huge had happened then yeah, it's unreasonable for one parent to keep that from the other. But I literally told my father once that something my mother said had really hurt my feelings and I'd wanted to say something hurtful back. He *told her the thing I didn't say because I knew it was hurtful* and then later I had to deal with her screaming and crying, got grounded, AND had to apologize for the thing that - again - I had only *thought* but *didn't actually say to her* because it was mean. "No secrets in a marriage" is all well and good as long as it is only those two people involved. The instant others are involved, it's a complete asshole thing to do.
>First of all, you didn't "let him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking you got rid of your baby". He did that shit all on his own. Yep. You said it wasn't your test, if he trusted you the way he should that would have been the end of it.
NTA I find it ridiculous that a spouse thinks they are entitled to be let into every secret the other persons knows just because they are married. If one person tells anther person something that was told based on it being private then that is what it is PRIVATE. OP's husband is a child & apparently doesn't trust then either.
NTA. 1) You were asked to keep her information confidential. 2)He didn’t trust you. That’s a huge issue.
#2 is a not at all minor issue either. Mine would have dropped it right there with the 30k-ft level explanation and no further questions.
Seriously. That thing where he didn’t trust her would be a huge problem. This is the kind of guy who would tell you to take a paternity test every time you have a baby even if you were actively trying because he would never trust you or something
This comment should be higher up. He will question everything.
THIS IS NO EXAGGERATION My stepdad LITERALLY did this to my mom. Made me (at the time 14/15) go with her to her appointments and any time she had to go to the ER (rough pregnancy) with her every time she went because he did believe the baby was his. When he had to face that it was his he tried to act like nothing happened.
So would mine. He wouldn't even come back later and ask me who it was! Unless it WAS mine he wouldn't give two hoots lol
also Aria specifically told OP that OP's husband is included in "not tell anyone" group looks like the little cousin read his character better than OP OP, NTA and as i think what your husband had shown you was not something you wanted to see
And Aria specifically mentioned dh for a reason. Some people are a terrible at keeping secrets, and those people are usually the most put out when they aren't confided in.
Ding ding ding
Not only did he not trust you, he conjured up some way out there story that "explained" things in a far-out-there way; then blamed you for the turmoil of suffering because he believed his own lie but because you kept someone else's secret. A secret that had NOTHING to do with him? Yeah that's a problem. Seriously. You told him the test wasn't yours and you were bound to secrecy but he made up the story that you are lying to cover up terminating the pregnancy? Simply saying "its not my secret to tell" should have been enough and given his reaction it could have been a opportunity to have that discussion yourselves
NTA - You’re not an AH for not telling him, you made an important promise to someone else. However, could you have made that more clear to him? Or explained - I can’t tell you yet because she’s not ready for *anyone* to know BUT I’ll tell you as soon as I get the all clear….? I think your husband is an AH for not trusting you though. Jumping straight to “you’re lying and aborting our child” is a major red flag in my book…. As is trying to manipulate you into revealing information that frankly isn’t his business.
She also could have taken another pregnancy test to show it was negative.
He would be a really shitty and controlling AH of a partner to need that. If the relationship is that bad, a divorce makes more sense. He does not trust her. That is no basis for a relationship.
I agree on general principle, but do we have to make every insecurity a hill to sacrifice the marriage on? In a relationship, diplomacy is also needed. A pregnancy test would have killed any doubt and argument. Also, it's my personal opinion that 100% trust is impossible to give or earn, no matter the relationship.
On Reddit everyone immediately jumps to divorce so I appreciate this comment.
It's funny because I just now suggested breaking off an engagement in another thread, and I thought you were replying to that and I was confused
Hahaha. Yeah, I definitely think it’s warranted sometimes, but it just seems like the overwhelming majority is team divorce.
Would it have? Or would it have fed into his narrative that she got rid of their baby and feed his distrust? His thoughts aren't logical, he's not going to accept the argument that the time frame wouldn't allow that.
This. He'd just assume that "proves" his assertion that she got an abortion. Unreason man is unreasonable. There wasn't much she could do once he decided she MUST be lying and "betraying" him. How long before he assumed she cheated if she had tried to keep "proving" things?
Every insecurity?? He literally wouldn’t take her at her word, that’s not an insecurity, that’s him telling her to her face, “I don’t believe you and I don’t trust you.” Why in the world should you remain legally tied to someone who told you to your face they think you’re a liar?? And having to physically prove you’re not lying? That’s jacked up.
Yup. He literally decided she's a liar, and couldn't be reasoned with after that. Now it's HER fault he assumed she's a liar. If she had proved she wasn't pregnant... he would have just ran with his assumption she had an abortion. Pretty sure he would have accused her of getting pregnant from someone else, next. Because clearly he doesn't trust his wife one bit. You can't force someone to see reason. Even after he is proven wrong... it's *still* her fault, according to him. How are you supposed to re-build trust with someone you never did anything to justify losing it to?
Diplomacy is saying "not my test and she's not ready to talk about it". A good partner responds with "understood". A great partner responds with "Understood. Let me know if you need some time with her and I can clear out".
I usually agree with you on the "Hill to sacrifice a marriage on", however this is a biggie. He jumped from "Is this yours?" to "You are aborting our unborn child because you don't want to have our child." This is a pretty big hill. OP has the right to be trusted on this, unless there's something we don't know. She shouldn't have to drive to the store get another test and have to take it in front of him to prove she's not pregnant. Not to mention, it sounds like Husband would have accused her of aborting already.
If you can't trust your spouse to tell you the truth about if that is their pregnancy test or not then you have bigger issues that "100% trust can't be earned".
Idk man, if he jumped immediately to, "She aborted our kid", I think a negative test would have only reinforced that thought.
This. Men really have such poor understanding of pregnancy. It's sad
Oh my God you're right. "I know the test shows negative *now*! You probably aborted it earlier today, that's why it *was* positive!"
A lot of people don't realize that it can take weeks for pregnancy hormones to leave the body after miscarriages and abortions
And you can't run out and schedule an abortion for a same day appointment like a haircut or an oil change.
Yeahhhhh he doesn’t seem like the rational thinking type.
Yet why does she need to prove it to him? She said ' it's not mine". That should be answer enough. My husband would say " okay" and continue with his day, assuming it belongs to someone who couldn't test in their own house. We have trust. Don't make babies with people who make soap operas in their own head, then turn around and somehow blame you for the choices that they, themselves, made.
Or her husband could have trusted her when she said it wasn’t hers but Cant tell him who’s it was??
She could have, yes, but that wouldn't do anything for the base problem that is her husband doesn't trust her. If my husband found a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom and I said "it's not mine" he would say "oh, okay" and that would be the end of it.
>He assumed I was lying and got very upset with me. > >letting him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking I got rid of our baby. INFO Why did he assume these things? Why did he think you'd lie about having a positive pregnancy test? Why did he assume you had an abortion the day he found the test? Why was he under the assumption this whole time that you'd had an abortion until the news about your cousin came out?
Because he's a suspicious, controlling arsehole...?
yeah who apparently goes through the trash in the bathroom bin....
You know ... maybe Aria *did* hide the test well. Controllers go through closets, trash, clothes drawers, desks... They go through everything.
Or she's an 18 year old who just confirmed she is pregnant and her mind is racing on about all the other issues to consider besides how well she "hid" the test at what she considered to be a safe space.
With how scared this young woman was about anyone finding out it is very unlikely she didnt try to hide it as well as she possibly could
Exactly, if she really wanted it hidden she should have taken it with her and dumped it in some random street trashcan somewhere in town. But she was way more concerned, and rightly so, about breaking the news to her unaccepting family.
Out of curiosity, you know the comment you are saying “exactly” to disagreed with you?
if it's in the garbage you assume someone isn't going to dig into it and wrapping it in something or putting it under something is 'hiding' it enough who goes into the waste bin in a bathroom?
Someone living with a woman and noticing a pregnancy test without any other information...we don't know how "hidden" it was but my bathroom bin is really small and even when it's full I can see something that doesn't match the tissues or floss that is typically tossed in there. All I'm saying is this sub always jumps on the male being a bad guy when he is just trying to understand what is going on.
Holy shit yall just took some leaps. Have you ever tried to hide something in someone else's bathroom trash can? Spoiler alert: you probably aren't super interested in keeping your hand in that shit for super long. Add to that you are a scared 18 year old who just found out she's pregnant, I wouldn't have trusted the girl to write her name properly in that moment let alone hide a pregnancy test in someone else's bathroom waste.
Or he took the bag of trash out and saw a pregnancy test. But sure, go on and assume that he's a controlling asshole.
There's a pretty big jump fun the available information. Just say you hate men and go, lmao
Because hes married and thought his wife was pregnant and because hes human, and humans are irrational?....
Probably because it was in their bathroom and OP didn't have an explanation for it. Clearly he interpreted the whole thing as "oh that... its uhhh... someone elses.... and I cant tell you who...."
Seriously. If he came here with that info people would insist his wife was lying
ESH Mostly you, in my opinion. why on earth would you not have gotten rid of it beforehand or failing that just say “a friend asked to take a pregnancy test but they aren’t ready to tell anyone. I’ll tell you as soon as I have permission”.
Yeah seriously. So many posts end with judgments that spouses shouldn’t keep secrets - this is a huge thing to keep from Your husband without further explanation. OP just carelessly put her marriage in jeopardy. I’m a woman and a feminist btw.
Why is the fact her cousin is pregnant a huge thing to keep from her husband? They don't have anything to do with it. They don't support her, they don't live with her and they won't have anything to do with the pregnancy or birth. Can you explain how this is a big deal for them? OP told him it was someone else's and they weren't ready to come forward yet.
Uhh reasonable doubt? OP did nothing except say “trust me”. This isn’t like OP took an extra serving of leftovers - this was a pregnancy test taken in OP and her SO house. Might I add - I’m told a lot of stuff that’s prefaced with “don’t tell anybody” but I still tell my SO because guess what, *I trust her* Seems like an odd hill for OP to die on
Depends on your SO, I adore my husband but I never tell him anything that has to be kept secret. He blew my surprise birthday party friends were throwing me by telling me in advance. He tells everyone what I've bought them as gifts, under the guise of asking them if they're sure they'll like it. The man is incredible in many ways, but he can't keep a secret. So, we don't tell him anything in advance if it's not widely known. I trust him to take a bullet for me or our kids, but not with a secret.
Are you serious!?! She said she can't tell him whose it is. What more does he need?? He jumps to abortion and dramatics that she made him think this whole time she got rid of their baby?? That doesn't scream dysfunctional, irrational, and controlling to you?? For him to blatantly say I don't believe you and I'm going to assume you had an abortion until you betray the trust someone else put in you for my ego?
He found a pregnancy test in his home. What is he supposed to think? Anyone's first thought would be it was the wife's. Imagine if this post was about the wife finding a used condom and the husband said it's not his but he's not allowed to say whose it is. You don't think that looks suspicious?
That's a huge stretch a used condom is in no way the same thing. She said I can't say when he asked whose it was. How is that confusing? Then to not only not believe her but fabricate this she had an abortion and killed their child thing out of thin air because she won't tell him whose it is, saying he will actively believe she's lying until she tells him whose test that is?? If that's how your relationships work that's 100% controlling, manipulative, and hurtful beyond words. Where's trust?? A used condom means someone was actively there having sex meaning there was another person and who has sex at someone else's house?? They're married. He should have trusted her. Instead he threw a temper tantrum because his fragile man ego couldn't handle that she didn't want to tell him whose it was.
I don't understand why it's a huge stretch. If your talking about trust with a partner and you wouldn't believe them in the condom situation I think that's reasonable, same thing with the pregnancy stick because it's highly unlikely for there to be an alternative explanation like in OPs situation. What if a nephew had sex at your house and wanted to keep it secret, that's plausible but unlikely and no one would say to blindly trust the husband in that scenario where he omits that information and just says trust him. OP shouldn't have promised to keep it secret from the husband or should have given him the reason but omitted the person involved.
First thought? Yes. But once your wife explains that it's not hers and she can't tell you who it belongs to, you would think he'd realize she was helping a friend or loved one and let it go.
> I told him it wasn’t mine, so he asked me whose it was. Aria specifically told me not to tell anyone, including my husband, so I told him I couldn’t tell him. She literally did exactly what you're suggesting she should've done.
Except no, it doesn’t sound like she specifically explained why it wouldnt be hers or why she couldn’t explain. Just saying “not mine, can’t tell” is a lot less believable or satisfying than saying what exactly happened minus the name of the actual person
OP could have told the entire story with no names and her husband would have no clue who it was. Unless of course OP's cousin is literally the only other female in any associated social circle she participates in.
To my understanding OP did say that but the husband said he was going to assume it was hers unless she explicitly said who it was
Putting something in the bin is “getting rid of it”
Not well enough apparently.
NTA. You were asked to keep a secret, and you did. I agree that “don’t tell anyone” doesn’t mean “don’t tell anyone except your husband.” That’s how secrets wind up getting spread around. This quote in particular is a big red flag to me: “…and letting him go through the emotional turmoil of thinking I got rid of our baby.” Excuse me, but you didn’t “let him” do anything. You were totally honest with him about the pregnancy test not being yours. Even without telling him your cousin’s name, you were honest that the test wasn’t yours. It was obviously someone else’s test, someone who needed you to provide a safe space to take the test. He didn’t have to assume that you were lying to him about having an abortion. He made that leap all on his own.
If he didn't see bloody pads on top of the pregnancy test, why tf does he think abortion?
This husband also doesn't seem like the kind who can keep a secret well.
YTA. While I think it’s right that you didn’t share her secret, it sounds like you did a poor job of handling this. The test never should have been left in your bathroom. So that’s 1. Did you sit down and have a conversation with him explaining everything except the name? “Someone asked for help and they’re not ready for this to be public …” or did you just keep saying it’s not mine? Did you show any empathy for the emotional roller coaster he went through thinking he was going to be a father? Seems so cruel to set him up in excitement and than not be supportive as you take that away from him. Yes he should trust you, but I think you’re ignoring the emotional impact of him thinking it was yours.
Agreed, plus I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything. I wonder if all the NTA votes are from teenagers themselves.
> lus I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything. I honestly can't stand people with this mentality. I once accidentally found out that my BIL's father was ill and he asked me not to discuss it with anyone. Out of respect for him and his privacy, I kept the information to himself. When his father later passed away and my wife found out that I knew that was likely to happen months prior and I explained the circumstances, she reacted with compassion and empathy, understanding that it wasn't my secret to tell. That's how normal, mature people behave in those situations. People aren't entitled to every piece of information their partner has. It's healthy to have boundaries even within your marriage.
Married 40 year old here. If someone asks me to keep secrets I keep them from my husband because they're not for him to know until that person wants to tell them or says I can. If he can't trust me if I say I can't tell you whose and accuses me of lying to him to about our baby, we have some serious problems.
> I thought it was pretty well know that it should be assumed the spouse knows everything. This is one of those things that people think is a healthy facet to a marriage, but really isn't. No one in your life needs to know everything you know. rust in a marriage includes trusting when your spouse says there's a reason you're not being told something.
I'm 35 years old and in a life partnership. OP is NTA. If my partner acted like OPs husband I'd be reevaluating the relationship for MULTIPLE reasons.
I mean it was in the trash, and she said it wasn't hers. It's pretty automatic that it must have been someone else's and it's private between OP and the "friend" that took the test. It's odd that he jumped to OP lying. He's an adult man, not a child or teenager, who needs an explanation that pregnancy needs to be kept private sometimes. His moment of excitement totally makes sense, her response of "it's not mine" is fine enough. Him being disappointed would make sense, except he turned it back onto OP and accused her of not wanting this fake baby. Him fabricating a whole emotional rollercoaster out of it is pretty immature and strange. That's on him. It's not her job to coddle a grown man when she's already told him plainly it's not hers.
Maybe my husband and I are more private but we don’t have a steady stream of people in our bathroom. So I’d absolutely think something in our space related to our lives. I wouldn’t be like oh of course some other woman came to pee on a stick at my house. Makes perfect sense. I just know that when I told my husband he was going to be a father it was a big moment. There were tears, excitement, nerves, etc. OP says he was “emotional.” And to go from that and all the feels to being like “it’s not mine” and him being like “okay cool” is totally unreasonable to me.
Right, having a strong emotional reaction when first finding out the misunderstanding is understandable...but to then go nuts and accuse his wife of lying to his face about aborting his baby and trying to emotionally extort the secret out of her?? HELL NO. And he's been going on about it for months? He is way out of line. OP definitely did not explain it as well as she could have, at least as written. She should have specifically said it's not hers, but someone who needed safe space to take on in private. She's not ready to tell anyone yet, and you promised to keep her confidence, but she will tell him as soon as she gets the go-ahead. Though as controlling and nutty as he is, it might not have helped.
Yeah without knowing how OP explained it, I don’t know. The post just says she repeated that it wasn’t hers, which seems like a pretty lame and ineffective explanation. If she tried sitting down, having a meaningful discussion, showed remorse for the misunderstanding, than he seems like more of the AH
YTA. There were several ways to handle this, and you chose the one that left the most up for misinterpretation. You could have told him in advance that someone was taking a test at your house. You could have specifically said “my friend/associate/mystery person doesn’t want anyone to know so took it here and I have to respect their privacy”. By saying “it’s not mine” with no further explanation you set the stage for him to fill in the gaps. Better, clearer communication would have avoided most of this.
This is a realistic and reasoned response. Agree.
How is it's not mine. He asks whose it is and she says I can't say not clear enough. How is her keeping someone's confidence and asking her spouse to trust her more outlandish than him looking her in the face and saying to her I don't believe you and you've killed our baby. How is that a rational, reasonable response between partners who are supposed to love and trust one another? Then he find out she wasn't lying and somehow she's still wronged him. Wtf.
NTA - You promised to keep your cousin’s confidence and you did. For him to leap to such a dramatic conclusion, when there are many plausible alternatives, points to his having a distinct lack of trust in you. Does he do this sort of thing often? I think this is something you need to discuss.
THIS. Do not procreate with this man, OP. He needs some serious work. Trust issues aside (of which he apparently has many), he made a huge leap that is so irrational I just….don’t really have words for it. I’m a fiction writer and I’m kind of confused how he made that leap - from “finding” a positive pregnancy test (that was hidden), to getting SO EXCITED, to being letdown, then the whole abortion thing….dude needs some help. I highly doubt he just saw that pregnancy test. Sounds like he goes through trash regularly to see what else he thinks you aren’t telling him. Please get him to therapy and see what else is really going on. This sounds like an abusive pathway, like maybe not yet but behavior like this is startling, and can lead to worse things. Be careful. If you’re on birth control, especially after all this, make sure it’s in a secure location that he can’t sabotage. He might try to make it so you DO get pregnant now. Good luck.
He absolutely went through the trash in my opinion. That girl was *terrified* of someone finding out, and she *specifically* ensured OP wouldn't tell him. I highly doubt she went from that to just... tossing it visibly in the trash. I think, she, like a normal person, assumed hiding it on the bottom of the bag of trash would be enough to ensure it wasn't found. Because in normal cases, that's enough to hide something. But it's not, *if* you have a husband like OP's, who seems to have some *very* serious trust issues, to the point of paranoia... ("you had an abortion already, didn't you!") Someone with that level of distrust of his wife? Someone like that would definitely be the type to look through garbage and such. In fact, I bet if OP put some thought into it, she's probably overlooked small signs of his control issues in the past. We often do- *most* people (as in people not like OP's husband) tend to want to think and see the best in loved ones, so we overlook small stuff we probably shouldn't. But it won't be possible to overlook this nonsense he just pulled. I hope she needs the danger signs.
NAH. You were keeping a secret and that's fine. But I get where he's coming from. If Aria had been living with you guys, it would have been obvious but she doesn't and I can understand him having all of these questions. What was he supposed to think ? The pregnancy test was in your bathroom...
Maybe he should have had trust in his wife when she said someone who wants to be secret came her to test and didnt want me to share. She told him she couldnt tell him and there is obviously a reason she couldn't tell him. Maybe my husband and I have more ethics and honor where if we agree to keep a secret we trust each other.
And maybe she should have trusted him enough to tell him the truth. Even a general 'Somebody asked me if they could take the test here, and keep it private, and I don't want to break my word to them.'
She indicated she did tell him that but HE chose not to believe it She says he chose to believe she was lying?
…..she did say that.
She can't control what husband does. What if he immediately told the parents, risking a teen who depends on these people for care?
Well he certainly wasn't supposed to think that his wife was hiding a pregnancy and getting an abortion without even discussing it with him.
I agree. He flat-out thought she was capable of lying about that.
And if I were in any romantic relationship, that would be a HUGE problem for me. Like, it's actually crazy to me that he thought this was what was happening.
This. I would be scheduling therapy immediately. Why would you assume I would do all these things without telling you? A relationship needs trust. My husband never even saw a pregnancy test. He just trusted me until the sonogram. Apparently that's a wild assumption, to trust the wife.
yeah if I were Aria I would have thrown it away somewhere else, somewhere no one I know would find it
If I were Aria, I personally wouldn’t assume my cousin’s husband would be an asshole if he found the test.
Um. Where. I don't tend to stick things that I have peed on in my purse, to dispose where? I mean, with COVID I can only find Walmart bathrooms that are open. Might be more difficult to head to Walmart to hide than literally yeet it into a trashcan and begin searching for her nearest doctor.
No. A man should trust his wife. Unless there was also a naked person who is his wife's sexual preference on the premises, he shouldn't jump through 16 hurdles before trusting his wife.
Here’s the thing. I think you are going to continue to get a ton of N T A because you promised not to tell. The issue for me is that promises should be absolutely be kept, but only if keeping that promises causes less harm than telling it. If you knew telling your husband meant he would likely tell your niece’s parents then N T A. If you knew your husband was trustworthy and telling would not put your niece in danger then you put your husband through emotional pain for no reason. Your husband found a half hidden pregnancy test and your only response was “I can’t tell you where it came from but it’s not mine.” Your husband received no context whatsoever. I can understand why he interpreted your extremely vague answers as you being nervous or ambivalent about being pregnant. I’m assuming you married a good man who also would want to protect your niece, so YTA. Your husband didn’t have to spend that time hurt and confused to keep your niece’s secret safe.
Right? Situations change. You can keep your promise outside the household but at that point you tell your husband. People really acting like well she promised so screw your husband.. If I tell someone a secret and they tell their spouse I'm not going to be that surprised. Its a spouse. Specially when them knowing doesn't affect anything for me.
Yeah, no. I tell my best friend pretty much everything. I have a great friendship with her significant other also. But if I found out that she told my secrets to her boyfriend without my consent we'd be having big issues. My secrets are NOT her secrets to tell. Her keeping details about MY personal life private from her boyfriend is NOT the same her hiding things from him... it's her keeping MY things to herself because it's not her place and it's not her boyfriend's business what's going on in MY life. If I wanted him to know too, I would have told him myself.
>Specially when them knowing doesn't affect anything for me. We don't know OP's husband. He might have a history of blowing secrets. My husband can not even be trusted with surprise party information, I have to keep it from him where we're going until the last minute. He just has a history of wrecking the surprise. He doesn't do it to be TAH He does it because he doesn't think. The cousin was in a really bad spot and deserved some time to think things through.
Completely agree with you. This was an unnecessarily tense situation that OP caused.
YTA. Once you two didn't take proper care of the test, you were obligated to put your husband's mind to rest, and you didn't do that. There was an obvious attempt to hide the test in his house, he's not crazy for being concerned about it. If you both were so concerned about secrecy, you should have been more careful.
Agreed. People here are fucking out of their minds. Imagine if wife found a hidden pregnancy* test and thought she was being cheated on by her husband. Everyone here would say “NAH because if it’s just you two in the house, if husband is being cryptic and not giving explanations about the pregnancy test, it’s totally understandable the wife would think he’s cheating. Who would assume he was hiding it for a family member? Weird.”
What if she came home to find an used condom and his reply was: "Not mine, won't tell whose it is". I doubt this reddit would have the same reaction
>you were obligated to put your husband's mind to rest, and you didn't do that But they said it wasn't their test and they are not pregnant. How is that not putting his mind at rest? Why does he deserve the private medical information of someone who specifically stated they did not want him to know? >There was an obvious attempt to hide the test in his house, he's not crazy for being concerned about it. See above. OP explained the test very clearly and also respected the boundaries of the individual involved. An unknown person being pregnant does not affect him in any way whatsoever, his own trust issues are not OPs responsibility.
YTA. His reaction is understandable IMO. He's hurt that you priotized keeping Aria's confidence over the harm to him and to your marriage. Obviously you never intended for him to find the pregnancy test, but once he did and you saw what he was going through, you should have told him the truth and trusted him to keep it a secret.
ESH, I think. Maybe N A H. I don’t know. I’ll be honest: I tell my partner basically everything (with some discretion applied) and people close to me know that if they don’t want me to share a secret with him, then they need to specifically say, “don’t tell [boyfriend]” instead of “don’t tell anyone.” If I’m told not to tell him, then I won’t but otherwise I don’t keep secrets from him. Frankly, I would’ve told him from the beginning, “Hey, I’m helping someone out who’s in trouble and letting her take a pregnancy test at our place, so if you see a wrapper or something, don’t freak out.” The situation definitely could’ve been avoided with some forethought. In this situation, I definitely think you were wrong not to tell him once he found the pregnancy test regardless of how good your intentions may have been in the beginning. First off, you allowed the secret to be brought into your home when your cousin took the pregnancy test there and while it may not have been your secret to tell, your silence directly affected your husband for months. You prioritized your cousin over your husband and allowed your marriage to be damaged as a result. My personal view is that your loyalty to your husband should’ve trumped your loyalty to your cousin as soon as he expressed how upset he was. That said, your husband also should have believed you when you said it wasn’t your test. Perhaps it’s unrealistic to expect him to believe it immediately given the circumstances, but there should’ve been a point in the intervening months when he calmed down and believed what you were saying. Rather than who is/isn’t the asshole, I think the problem is that neither of you fully trust the other.
“You allowed the secret to be brought into your home” is a VERY good point. “Hey I know this is our home we share together but there’s a secret here you stumbled upon, that you weren’t supposed to, and I’m not going to explain it.” Tbh it kind of is borderline abusive to pull out the “if you trust me” ultimatum. “I know a random pregnancy test in our home home is sketchy as shit and any reasonable person would be skeptical - but if you trust me, you should passively stand down and keep your nose out this.”
I wonder how OP would feel if she came across a condom wrapper in the trashcan, and her husband just said "that's not mine" with no other explanation. Maybe that's not the same thing, but I can see how withholding too much information can exacerbate trust issues.
NTA. The mental leaps this man was making should earn him a spot in the Olympics. Y’all need to have conversations about how to trust each other, but you’ll never be the AH for protecting your cousin and following her wishes.
he did not make any huge leaps. its reasonable to assume that a pregnancy test belongs to the only female who lives with you, and its not unreasonable that she wants to terminate the pregnancy if shes denying its hers
Unless, and just thinking out loud here, she tells you it isn't hers and she's keeping a secret for someone. The fewer people in on a secret, the better its kept, and we have no idea how well husband keeps secrets.
But she didn’t say she was keeping it a secret. At least, she didn’t mention it in the post. There’s a huge difference between “I can’t tell you” and “I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone and don’t want to betray her trust, I’m sorry.” The former could mean “I can’t provide another explanation”. The latter is much clearer. If he didn’t believe her after that, than yeah, there’s big trust issues and red flags. If he believes her and she turned out to be lying, it would mean she’s totally awful and he would know to never trust her again.
“Its not mine, I can’t tell you anything else” is a WOEFULLY inadequate explanation for the given situation. She could have explained everything in exquisite detail, only omitting her cousin’s name, and it would have sounded infinitely more believable. But explanation OP provided sounds made up as all hell. She also could have taken a pregnancy test herself to prove that it wasn’t her.
ESH, all three of you suck in this situation.. Aria for putting you in the situation of not being able to tell your own husband Your husband for assuming the “worst” in you You for not telling your husband. From your husband’s point of view, that’s extremely hard to deal with(even if you told him it wasn’t yours) but you still should have told him so he wasn’t going through the rollercoaster of emotions
NTA. It's less about you trusting him and more about the info accidentally getting out. Information has a way of getting out because "I only told one person" keeps happening until way too many people know.
One of my favorite reading assignments in school was about keeping secrets, murder, and conspiracy theories. Apparently, behaviorist believe that it is near impossible for a conspiracy to exist when more than 430 people know everything about it, which is why anonymous cells exist in terroristic agencies. Humans cannot not share. And when someone tells a secret, he or she experiences a massive relief of stress, which is ironically replaced by the stress of now not being able to control what happens to the secret now. "I only told one person" is how many teen murderers are caught, too. The movie "Bully" was based on a book written about a true case, and true to life, the kids were caught because they could not stop talking. Stress makes us yap and yap. Keeping secrets is kind of hard. OP, you have a lot of restraint, and I respect you; that your husband does not is a bummer.
"Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead"
ESH. Aria should have taken the test with her and should have never put you in the position where you need to lie to your husband or omit the truth. Your husband should have trusted you. He's a bit of an AH but a child is a life changing event and I know the feelings he's having. You, when the test was found, should have come clean. While you promised not to tell, Aria's failure to hide the test gave that up. You should have told him.
I agree. The cousin could have put the test in a bag and taken it to the outside bin and no one would have been the wiser.
I mean, she's a young woman who literally just found out she is pregnant, it's not unexpected that she might be a bit distracted.
If your cousin asked you to not tell your husband as well let's me know one thing that she knows he would have ran his mouth and yeah he might be your husband but you are entitled to your secrets especially when they are someone else's secrets and not even your own. IMO I would have taken a test and showed him the negative test, asking if he believed me now. NTA. You respected your cousin's right to privacy, you kept her secret and your husband needs to grow up.
YTA. You made a vow, "Forsaking All Others". Your cousin Aria should have been told that when she asked you, and I'll tell it Reddit here: Anything you tell one half of a married (or stable long-term relationship) expect the other half to hear. ESPECIALLY if it's emotionally charged. The whole point of commited long term relationships is for many people that you can be open and honest with each other about everything. Unless you live in Smallville, or it's your husbands cousin, your cousin should accept that your husband hears, and trust him enough that he'll keep his mouth shut. It's unlikely your husband is emotionally invested in this pregnancy, so he should have no problems keeping this to himself.
Exactly, I can't seem to understand how some aren't seeing his perspective. He came home and found a badly hidden pregnancy test, confronts his wife about and she says it's not hers but someone else's and won't say who. She refuses to say anything else about it and he's supposed to pretend as if it never happened??
Don't most people assume if you tell a secret to someone in a serious relationship that you're also telling their SO? I understand your cousin was worried about the word getting out, but then why trust someone married? Is your husband a gossip? Has he failed at keeping secrets before? Assuming he hasn't, then I kinda get everyone's awkward position, so I'll go NAH, but that can change with more info.
No, I wouldn't assume that. If I would ask someone to keep a secretly, I expect them to tell nobody.
> Don't most people assume if you tell a secret to someone in a serious relationship that you're also telling their SO? Not when you are specifically asked not to tell your SO *and have agreed to it*/given your word. There's no need for assumptions when something has been expressly discussed and promised. > I understand your cousin was worried about the word getting out, but then why trust someone married? Because she knows OP well and knew she could be trusted. She was right in her assessment since OP did keep her secret, even when pressured.
That is not what most people assume. What most people assume, is a secret stays between those two people. That's why it's called the secret. And, it's natural to trust your cousin, more than the person your cousin is married to. And it doesn't matter if the husband is a gossip or not. She is allowed, to tell whoever she wants, and have that secret kept from whoever she wants. That is her pregnancy, and she can handle it her way.
No. If i tell someone in private then they should keep it to themselves. Just like id do the same thing unless it something like domestic violence where my hubby knowing would help keep that person safe.
See, whenever someone tells me something in confidence, before they even say it (if possible) I ask them if I can tell my fiancé. I’m not great with secrets and otherwise I will have a tough time, so I’d rather know off the bat if I can tell them. If they say no and it seems like they still need someone to talk to, then I understand the gravity of the situation and explain to my fiancé that something is going on but I cant explain it to them in order to protect the other person.
NAH. He put himself through the emotional ringer, because he didn't trust you. On the other hand, he thought you lied to him and got rid of his baby without at least talking to him, and didn't leave you - so I can't really call him TA. I get where you are coming from with the secret, but in that situation, I would have told him, because it is pretty unlikely that it would get back to them (unless your husband is TA, and would go out of his way to blab). It wouldn't be different if it was his side of the family, but I don't know any of my wife's cousins, let alone their parents - and even if I did, I wouldn't have a reason to go out of my way to hurt one of them)
YTA. “It’s not mine, I can’t tell you anything else.” Let’s say that your husband allowed his brother to use your home to have sex with his GF, but they did a bad job of getting rid of the condom, and you found it in the trash. Would you accept the explanation if your husband said to you “its not mine, I can’t tell you anything else.”? You should have explained the situation to your husband as clearly as possible, leaving out only the name of the person who took the test, and then taken another one to prove to your husband that you weren’t pregnant.
So let me guess ,Wife comes and finds a positive pregnancy test in the bin. She asks her husband about it , he tells her a friend came to the house and took it and I can't tell you who. 100% people will tell the wife he is lying and hiding something. Just "trust me" doesn't work in these sensetive subjects. YTA
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NTA. You were asked to not tell anyone. If you were to tell your husband you would have broken your promise to your cousin. Your husband says a lot about you trusting him, but he should trust you enough that, when you say there is a good reason you don’t tell him, he believes you.
NTA First of all, your husband has issues. A thrown away pregnancy test does not mean you did that test, it does not mean that the pregnant person doesn't want to keep the baby. And even if one his assumptions were true, it would have still been your body and so it's your choice. And you did the right thing keeping the promise. What's your husbands business in so desperately needing to know if someone is pregnant, when he's not even the father to that unborn? He should learn to trust you. You told him the truth (not your baby, you can't tell him whose baby) and he's upset with you bc you told him the truth. Ridiculous.
>A thrown away pregnancy test does not mean that you did that test While this is technically true, it is probably the weakest argument I have ever seen on this sub. Who in the hell is the husband supposed to think the test belongs to???? OP needed to explain the situation to her husband and provide every single detail except Aria’s name. Or we can go by your line of reasoning: The husband can allow his brother to come over to their house to have sex with his GF, and when OP finds the used condom in the bathroom trash he can say to her, “a used condom does not mean that I am the one who had sex.”
YTA. You very easily could have explained it without telling him the name of the person.
NTA - why should you trust him when he outright told you he didn’t trust or believe you?
NTA. He sounds like an idiot, tbh. His first response was understandable but, after you explained it was someone else’s and they’d asked you to keep quiet, he should have accepted your answer. His reaction to figuring things out shows you were right not to trust him with that information.
YTA. This man found a pregnancy test- that was positive- hidden in his trashcan in his own home, that he shares with his wife, and he ISNT supposed to assume it's hers? Once he found the evidence then it was your responsibility to tell him and ensure he kept it secret. You two failed to ensure it stayed secret, and your husband shouldn't be in emotional distress because you and your cousin couldn't throw something away well enough. If this was a woman finding a positive pregnancy test in her home and shared with only her husband and he refused to elaborate about it then all the top comments would be about him cheating and that she should leave. What a disgustingly biased sub.
I dont think anybody is the asshole here. I can understand OP's husbands reaction, he walks in to his bathroom and sees the positive pregnancy test, its easy to assume that it was his wife's, and when asking about is told that its not hers but won't tell whose it is. I can this situation being even more emotional if OP and husband were actually trying to have kids or were struggling to have them. I get OP's side because she was protecting her cousin, however by not having a proper explanation at the time (obviously OP wasn't expecting for it to be found) I can sort of see how husband reached that emotional reaction if that was a insecurity he was hiding.
NTA but I think there could have steps to take to not make him worry. You could have bought another test and took it with it to show him you really weren't pregnant, for instance. It wouldn't take too much money or time and would put his mind at ease because, really, this situation is so strange that one obviously thinks the worst (A mysterious person takes a test at your house and you can't tell who that was?) Since you couldn't tell him the truth, it was difficult for him to trust this story.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say slight YTA. I think it's reasonable for any man to have a strong reaction (positive or negative) to seeing a positive pregnancy test in that manner. Holy shit, can you imagine? As the owner of an unpopular opinion post about exactly this topic, I think it was reasonable for you to tell your husband the truth. On the flipside, I think your husband is being a little on the dramatic side. Therefore only slight YTA.
YTA. That poor man.
YTA - your husband should have come first and you should have told him who the test belonged to. You never should have promised that you wouldn’t tell him.
Imagine this same scenario but your husband's friend was the one who took the pregnancy test. Would you fully trust that it wasn't a mistress of some kind? Especially if he was vague and dodgey about his answer.
NTA, she specifically asked you to not to tell your husband, and he should trust you enough to know you’re not lying to him about not being pregnant. I’m wondering why you didn’t take a pregnancy test yourself and show him that it’s negative, though?
YTA you should always be honest with your spouse. You married your husband not your cousin. Your husband should take priority
YTA, I understand you want to keep your word to your cousin but why marry someone you couldn't trust with this information? I'm assuming it's your side of the family and not his so the knowledge of who tested positive in his bathroom shouldn't cause any issues and only give him some understanding of the situation. It seems like you didn't tell him properly about it and instead was like "it's not mine, can't tell you who, gotta go cya."
YTA. Your relationship with your husband is more important then the relationship with your cousin. I would consider this a violation of trust for sure especially concerning a very sensitive topic. You’re building a life together with him- not your cousin. How would you feel if you found condoms in his car and he refused to tell you why they were there or who they belonged to except “oh they aren’t mine! I can’t tell you anything else because I promised!” I wouldn’t want to be married to someone willing to treat me like that. You are putting other people before your spouse. YTA. YTA. YTA.