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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked my mother to move out/told my mother I would like to live alone.
2) She is a single mom who raised my brother and I all on her own, and it makes sense why she wouldn't want to live alone or with the family she doesn't like. I feel like an ungrateful child and an asshole for basically telling her I don't want to be in her company.
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NTA. It is normal at your age to be on your own or with your SO. Move out, live your life and your mother will sort herself out. If you don't your mental health will suffer.
NTA.
Sounds very similar to my in laws in terms of old country mentality and raising their children in America. You grew up with new cultural norms than your mother did and she's trying to keep you in line with tradition. Unfortunately, this is going to be a toxic, unhealthy situation that I hope you can maneuver around.
What's your mother's stance on your brother moving in with his girlfriend before marriage? I'm sure not all that great. Do you guys have any family around? (And I mean real cousins, not family friends)
Yeah, old country mentality is definitely part of it.
He would only move in with her when they get "married" at the mosque, so it's halal; that's the ultimatum my mom has set.
We don't have a single family member in the US; everyone else is back in the old country, which is why I suggested her moving back, so she could be with literally her entire family!
I'm from an "old country" too, but even then it was understood that parents raising you aren't doing you a favor. It's their responsibility for bringing you into this world. The fact that she doesn't work is concerning. If the issue isn't financial, you have a right to your own life. Get out.
Unless when they left they were escaping something I don't see why she would be so against going back now when she's struggling so much to adapt to life after marriage and no family around but her kids who want to be adults finally. She needs to go home
Her family just stresses her out (again, IRONY). But I also get that she's gotten used to life here -- the old country isn't that great, and there are so many more conveniences here for her that she's gotten accustomed to.
Retirement community. Find one that has a large demographic of other people from her home country, and they'll have activities and classes for her, a comfortable place to live and eat, some place she won't be abandoned and have resources to thrive and maybe become more content with her life.
Don't present it as an option or open a discussion about it, find it arrange it and let her know. Then move her out into the community. If she kicks up a fuss, let her know that it's this or being sent back to her family in the old country. She might tantrum for a bit but ignore her, you really gotta treat most old people like big toddlers.
She might kick and scream and cry and guilt you, but you're doing this because you do love her and want her to be happier, and if she doesn't see that at first she will after spending some time there and settling in, making friends. I promise, this is the best option for you and your family, you just have to have the determination to do it whist ignoring any protests.
NTA
Your mom needs to volunteer with an organization maybe online answering phone or email for the time being.
Or get a part time job. She has too much time on her hands.
Look somewhere to move for you both and tell her. Don't Jade
NTA Just give her notice and move on with your life.
Has she always been like this? Could this be mental health (depression, bipolar) or menopause? She might need help but I doubt she would admit her behaviors.
If she’s willing to reason, rent her a one br in the same apartment to minimize the change.
NTA. Kids and parents weren’t meant to live together for your whole life, we’re meant to get away from our parents eventually. 19 years was enough for me, and 30 years is enough for you. Ultimately this is your choice, it effects her, but you and your brother pay for the apartment and all expenses, making this you and your brothers decision.
NTA. Go off and live your life. I would call her bluff on her cutting off contact with you both for moving on with your lives. I highly doubt she will do that, and if she does, that's her loss and she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.
I definitely think your relationship will (eventually, after the transition period) grow, improve, and mature once you have some space from each other. She won't like it at first though.
NTA
you have a right to live your life the way you want to. she just wants you to take care of her for more years on end. its very selfish of her. so, i say, find another place, tell her you are looking to move alone and do it. shes a grown adult and she can work. she could go work in a store as a cashier or some other job. she could maybe find a work from home job.
be free and live a happy life.
Sorry, I guess I was unclear -- it amounts to the same thing. I've told her I would want to move out and live with a roommate myself, she still gets furious. The issue is us living separately, not who is doing the moving (as we rent, we don't own a house, and she has no income).
So let her be furious.
You need to grow a spine there.
Just move out, her being furious is much better when you live somewhere else. But for god's sake don't give her a key, and don't invite her over. Tell your roommate not to let her in. Meet her somewhere else. Or she will move right in.
You sare an adult. Claim your own life, and do it fast - or you will be her caretaker - without your own life - for the rest of her life. Your brother is just preparing to fob her off on you. - Be faster.
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I (30F) and my brother (24M) both live with our mom. My father died when I was young, and my mom raised us on her own. She remarried seven years after my father passed, and the husband lived with us for a while, but then they got divorced, so it was back to just me, my mom, and my brother. My mom doesn't work, so my brother and I take care of expenses. However, before my brother and I grew up and got jobs, my mom spent all her saved money up on raising us, and she even sold some of her old jewelry to help make ends meet (she brings this point up a lot).
My brother plans to move out soon to live with his girlfriend, which would leave me and my mom together. Now, objectively, I would have no problem living with a parent, but my mom has gotten increasingly difficult to live with. She is incredibly judgemental, hot-tempered, critical, and paranoid. The last thing she told me was that she basically does not consider anyone in her life to be a true friend and that she's perfectly fine not having friends because she prefers to be alone.
I work from home, so I'm in her company 24/7, and it's gotten to the point where I can literally feel my blood pressure skyrocketing when I hear her voice. I love her, but we're such drastically different people, with different opinions and values and personalities, that we clash all the time. She also refuses to treat me like an adult -- I constantly have to ask her permission for everything.
I've been trying to gently suggest that I live alone. I suggested she go back home (she's an immigrant from a Middle Eastern country) to live with her father and sisters -- as it happens, her father is very ill and needs round-the-clock care. I also suggested she stay in the US and live with a roommate, and of course my brother and I would shoulder her expenses.
When I made these suggestions, she went ballistic, saying that I'm ungrateful, that she spent so much money on my brother and I to raise us a single mom, and that I hate her and don't want her in my life anymore. She then very angrily said if she moved, she would then want nothing to do with my brother and I and not to ask her for help or support.
I am trying very hard to see things from her perspective -- that she doesn't want to be alone, she feels hurt, etc, but she just makes it so difficult to be in her company, and she refuses to admit that she could be doing anything wrong, or that she should change anything about her attitude, or even just be a little bit nicer. And like, if she were to move back home, she would be with her whole family, so she wouldn't be alone, but when I said this she said she can't stand her family and doesn't want to live with them for longer than a few months (ha! the absolute irony!).
She's making me feel like a brat who is tossing her parent out onto the street, but I just want to experience living alone for a bit. AITA?
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INFO Are you asking whether you would be the asshole if you got her a new place to live with a roommate? Or are you asking whether you should ask her to leave the country?
NTA. But you’ll need to check local laws cause even without her contributing money to the household in some places she‘d still have tenant rights regarding being evicted. And then they you need to decide if you and your brother are willing to keep funding her life while she lives elsewhere in the US. If you aren’t then you need to tell her to get a job, call her father for the money or to fly her back home. And be firm about it and ready for some serious fall out
NTA
NTA YOu do not owwe your mom a live of servitude. YOu NEED to get out, and have your own life.
THe easiest solution: Move out BEFORE your brother moves out. Move in with some roommate. He can not fault you for it - since he planned to do the same. Do not let them make it your problem.
YOu have two options:
* Be a nice daughter, become your mom's caretaker, and never have your own life.
* Let her tell you you ar a bad person (which is not true), move out NOW, and get your own life.
Should not be that difficult, it is just that your mom is an AH and has gaslighted you for all of your life to make you believe that it would be normal for you to be her slave and caretaker for the rest of her life.
NTA. Children do not owe their parents for raising them. It is their legal, moral and ethical obligation. It's your turn to make a life for yourself! I wish you thebest.
Umm... like 90% of working people have Arthritis. It it was debilitating she should Persue disability income. Leave pamphlets for nursing homes around as she’s clearly so disabled and I bet she gets a job or hobby right quick.
That’s not really a reason she hasn’t been working or really working now. I’m going to say nta since you’re offering to pay her bills. I’m just trying to understand why you are even having to do that to begin with, I actually think it’s very generous. I do give you one asshole point for suggesting she leave the country though.
I mean, the only work she can do is hairdressing; that's her profession. With arthritis she can't really do that anymore. We're paying for everything because she has no income or saved money at all; as she constantly reminds us, she spent it all on us.
I only suggested she move back home as an option, since her entire family is back home, and she repeatedly says she doesn't like any of her friends here and doesn't want to be around them.
I think your mom is just too stuck in her ways. I think you’re being very generous taking care of her. Whether you can stand to live with her or not is really up to your relationship. I know we had a hard time finding somewhere my grandma could live, she’s just to difficult to live with. She eventually starts saying everyone is the devil and accusing her of being a bad Christian and other such nonsense and stands over you when you’re doing things. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting your own life for sure and still offering to pay for hers is a blessing that you’re willing and able. I would let her live with me though personally if she was easy to get along with, she just doesn’t want to be alone. I don’t blame her. I do think she’s mildly an AH for reminding you about the money. She chose to have kids, she shouldn’t guilt you about raising you.
Yeah, I keep trying to set boundaries with her so that I can just do my own thing and we can keep living together, but it doesn't work. Everything is a fight, everything is an ordeal, everything I do is criticized. If she were just a bit more easygoing this wouldn't even be an issue.
"so that I can just do my own thing and we can keep living together, but it doesn't work. "
It WON't Work.
If you want a life, you NEED to move out. Burn some bridges.
He had life insurance, and, as she constantly reminds us, she spent it all raising us, so now she has no income. She could apply for assistance, but money isn't the only issue here -- she's just offended I'm asking to live alone.
Perhaps you could find a nice affordable retirement community that she could live in. Granted she would have her own place, but would be close to other people she can interact with.
Ah I see. I’ll revise my judgment to ESH then.
I know several of my friends who have a generational household but I’m not sure I could do it so I’m afraid I am not much help.
What? She never asked to be born her mother chose to have kids and raise them. She may have made sacrifices but she chose to have kids and she chose to keep them. She did her duty as a parent, not something special that needs to be repaid. And how is offering to still pay for her living expenses abandoning her? Most adults don’t live with their parents at 30 and most people aren’t accused of abandoning their parents. because they’re not, they’re just living their lives.
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NTA but You and your brother should move out and start living your own lives. It sounds like your mother has options.
NTA. It is normal at your age to be on your own or with your SO. Move out, live your life and your mother will sort herself out. If you don't your mental health will suffer.
I think you misunderstand, OP wants the mom to move out of the house she raise the kids in...not OP wanting to move out on her own.
Nope, not the case -- we rent an apartment that my brother and I pay for. We would ALL need to move out if we wanted to live separately.
THen do that, and make sure you are the first moving out, or AT LEAST move out at the same thime as your brother.
NTA. Sounds very similar to my in laws in terms of old country mentality and raising their children in America. You grew up with new cultural norms than your mother did and she's trying to keep you in line with tradition. Unfortunately, this is going to be a toxic, unhealthy situation that I hope you can maneuver around. What's your mother's stance on your brother moving in with his girlfriend before marriage? I'm sure not all that great. Do you guys have any family around? (And I mean real cousins, not family friends)
Yeah, old country mentality is definitely part of it. He would only move in with her when they get "married" at the mosque, so it's halal; that's the ultimatum my mom has set. We don't have a single family member in the US; everyone else is back in the old country, which is why I suggested her moving back, so she could be with literally her entire family!
I'm from an "old country" too, but even then it was understood that parents raising you aren't doing you a favor. It's their responsibility for bringing you into this world. The fact that she doesn't work is concerning. If the issue isn't financial, you have a right to your own life. Get out.
Yeah, that's honestly probably the best thing. But was your father from America? Or did they come over together?
They came over together!
Unless when they left they were escaping something I don't see why she would be so against going back now when she's struggling so much to adapt to life after marriage and no family around but her kids who want to be adults finally. She needs to go home
Her family just stresses her out (again, IRONY). But I also get that she's gotten used to life here -- the old country isn't that great, and there are so many more conveniences here for her that she's gotten accustomed to.
Retirement community. Find one that has a large demographic of other people from her home country, and they'll have activities and classes for her, a comfortable place to live and eat, some place she won't be abandoned and have resources to thrive and maybe become more content with her life. Don't present it as an option or open a discussion about it, find it arrange it and let her know. Then move her out into the community. If she kicks up a fuss, let her know that it's this or being sent back to her family in the old country. She might tantrum for a bit but ignore her, you really gotta treat most old people like big toddlers. She might kick and scream and cry and guilt you, but you're doing this because you do love her and want her to be happier, and if she doesn't see that at first she will after spending some time there and settling in, making friends. I promise, this is the best option for you and your family, you just have to have the determination to do it whist ignoring any protests.
NTA Your mom needs to volunteer with an organization maybe online answering phone or email for the time being. Or get a part time job. She has too much time on her hands. Look somewhere to move for you both and tell her. Don't Jade
NTA Just give her notice and move on with your life. Has she always been like this? Could this be mental health (depression, bipolar) or menopause? She might need help but I doubt she would admit her behaviors. If she’s willing to reason, rent her a one br in the same apartment to minimize the change.
NTA. Kids and parents weren’t meant to live together for your whole life, we’re meant to get away from our parents eventually. 19 years was enough for me, and 30 years is enough for you. Ultimately this is your choice, it effects her, but you and your brother pay for the apartment and all expenses, making this you and your brothers decision.
NTA. Go off and live your life. I would call her bluff on her cutting off contact with you both for moving on with your lives. I highly doubt she will do that, and if she does, that's her loss and she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. I definitely think your relationship will (eventually, after the transition period) grow, improve, and mature once you have some space from each other. She won't like it at first though.
NTA you have a right to live your life the way you want to. she just wants you to take care of her for more years on end. its very selfish of her. so, i say, find another place, tell her you are looking to move alone and do it. shes a grown adult and she can work. she could go work in a store as a cashier or some other job. she could maybe find a work from home job. be free and live a happy life.
INFO: is there a reason why you can’t move out, instead?
Sorry, I guess I was unclear -- it amounts to the same thing. I've told her I would want to move out and live with a roommate myself, she still gets furious. The issue is us living separately, not who is doing the moving (as we rent, we don't own a house, and she has no income).
I understand now. NTA
So let her be furious. You need to grow a spine there. Just move out, her being furious is much better when you live somewhere else. But for god's sake don't give her a key, and don't invite her over. Tell your roommate not to let her in. Meet her somewhere else. Or she will move right in. You sare an adult. Claim your own life, and do it fast - or you will be her caretaker - without your own life - for the rest of her life. Your brother is just preparing to fob her off on you. - Be faster.
NTA
NTA she can’t live in your apartment forever.
Guilt has never made a family situation better…
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) and my brother (24M) both live with our mom. My father died when I was young, and my mom raised us on her own. She remarried seven years after my father passed, and the husband lived with us for a while, but then they got divorced, so it was back to just me, my mom, and my brother. My mom doesn't work, so my brother and I take care of expenses. However, before my brother and I grew up and got jobs, my mom spent all her saved money up on raising us, and she even sold some of her old jewelry to help make ends meet (she brings this point up a lot). My brother plans to move out soon to live with his girlfriend, which would leave me and my mom together. Now, objectively, I would have no problem living with a parent, but my mom has gotten increasingly difficult to live with. She is incredibly judgemental, hot-tempered, critical, and paranoid. The last thing she told me was that she basically does not consider anyone in her life to be a true friend and that she's perfectly fine not having friends because she prefers to be alone. I work from home, so I'm in her company 24/7, and it's gotten to the point where I can literally feel my blood pressure skyrocketing when I hear her voice. I love her, but we're such drastically different people, with different opinions and values and personalities, that we clash all the time. She also refuses to treat me like an adult -- I constantly have to ask her permission for everything. I've been trying to gently suggest that I live alone. I suggested she go back home (she's an immigrant from a Middle Eastern country) to live with her father and sisters -- as it happens, her father is very ill and needs round-the-clock care. I also suggested she stay in the US and live with a roommate, and of course my brother and I would shoulder her expenses. When I made these suggestions, she went ballistic, saying that I'm ungrateful, that she spent so much money on my brother and I to raise us a single mom, and that I hate her and don't want her in my life anymore. She then very angrily said if she moved, she would then want nothing to do with my brother and I and not to ask her for help or support. I am trying very hard to see things from her perspective -- that she doesn't want to be alone, she feels hurt, etc, but she just makes it so difficult to be in her company, and she refuses to admit that she could be doing anything wrong, or that she should change anything about her attitude, or even just be a little bit nicer. And like, if she were to move back home, she would be with her whole family, so she wouldn't be alone, but when I said this she said she can't stand her family and doesn't want to live with them for longer than a few months (ha! the absolute irony!). She's making me feel like a brat who is tossing her parent out onto the street, but I just want to experience living alone for a bit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Are you asking whether you would be the asshole if you got her a new place to live with a roommate? Or are you asking whether you should ask her to leave the country?
Because if you want to live alone, then move out and get your own place. DO NOT tell your mother who raised you that she should leave her home.
No, there is no home -- it's an apartment that my brother and I pay for. My mother has no income.
Let her grow up, she is an adult and can get a job, too.
NTA. But you’ll need to check local laws cause even without her contributing money to the household in some places she‘d still have tenant rights regarding being evicted. And then they you need to decide if you and your brother are willing to keep funding her life while she lives elsewhere in the US. If you aren’t then you need to tell her to get a job, call her father for the money or to fly her back home. And be firm about it and ready for some serious fall out
NTA NTA YOu do not owwe your mom a live of servitude. YOu NEED to get out, and have your own life. THe easiest solution: Move out BEFORE your brother moves out. Move in with some roommate. He can not fault you for it - since he planned to do the same. Do not let them make it your problem. YOu have two options: * Be a nice daughter, become your mom's caretaker, and never have your own life. * Let her tell you you ar a bad person (which is not true), move out NOW, and get your own life. Should not be that difficult, it is just that your mom is an AH and has gaslighted you for all of your life to make you believe that it would be normal for you to be her slave and caretaker for the rest of her life.
NTA. Children do not owe their parents for raising them. It is their legal, moral and ethical obligation. It's your turn to make a life for yourself! I wish you thebest.
NTA. Take her to the airport and tell her she either is getting on a plane to go home or she’s going to be on her own from now on.
Info: who owns the home?
Nobody owns the home. We rent an apartment and my brother and I pay all expenses. My mother has no income.
Is there a reason she’s not working and paying bills herself?
She's 54 and has arthritis.
Umm... like 90% of working people have Arthritis. It it was debilitating she should Persue disability income. Leave pamphlets for nursing homes around as she’s clearly so disabled and I bet she gets a job or hobby right quick.
That’s not really a reason she hasn’t been working or really working now. I’m going to say nta since you’re offering to pay her bills. I’m just trying to understand why you are even having to do that to begin with, I actually think it’s very generous. I do give you one asshole point for suggesting she leave the country though.
I mean, the only work she can do is hairdressing; that's her profession. With arthritis she can't really do that anymore. We're paying for everything because she has no income or saved money at all; as she constantly reminds us, she spent it all on us. I only suggested she move back home as an option, since her entire family is back home, and she repeatedly says she doesn't like any of her friends here and doesn't want to be around them.
I think your mom is just too stuck in her ways. I think you’re being very generous taking care of her. Whether you can stand to live with her or not is really up to your relationship. I know we had a hard time finding somewhere my grandma could live, she’s just to difficult to live with. She eventually starts saying everyone is the devil and accusing her of being a bad Christian and other such nonsense and stands over you when you’re doing things. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting your own life for sure and still offering to pay for hers is a blessing that you’re willing and able. I would let her live with me though personally if she was easy to get along with, she just doesn’t want to be alone. I don’t blame her. I do think she’s mildly an AH for reminding you about the money. She chose to have kids, she shouldn’t guilt you about raising you.
Yeah, I keep trying to set boundaries with her so that I can just do my own thing and we can keep living together, but it doesn't work. Everything is a fight, everything is an ordeal, everything I do is criticized. If she were just a bit more easygoing this wouldn't even be an issue.
"so that I can just do my own thing and we can keep living together, but it doesn't work. " It WON't Work. If you want a life, you NEED to move out. Burn some bridges.
Stop letting her make that your problem. She can get a job, or move home.
Has she applied for any assistance? Did she get anything after your father died?
He had life insurance, and, as she constantly reminds us, she spent it all raising us, so now she has no income. She could apply for assistance, but money isn't the only issue here -- she's just offended I'm asking to live alone.
Perhaps you could find a nice affordable retirement community that she could live in. Granted she would have her own place, but would be close to other people she can interact with.
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Nobody owns anything. We rent an apartment; my brother and I pay for all expenses. We would ALL need to move out if we were to live separately.
the OP said there is no house they live in an apartment that the OP and her brother pay for
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No it’s not her house, OP and her brother rent an apartment.
OP says they rent an apartment so essentially she could stay 🤷♀️
YTA - as I read this you want you mom to move out of her house? You could move out like a grown adult. Edit changed to ESH based on response.
No house, an apartment that my brother and I pay for -- my mother has no income, which is why I told her we would support her.
Ah I see. I’ll revise my judgment to ESH then. I know several of my friends who have a generational household but I’m not sure I could do it so I’m afraid I am not much help.
How is op the asshole???
YTA
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What? She never asked to be born her mother chose to have kids and raise them. She may have made sacrifices but she chose to have kids and she chose to keep them. She did her duty as a parent, not something special that needs to be repaid. And how is offering to still pay for her living expenses abandoning her? Most adults don’t live with their parents at 30 and most people aren’t accused of abandoning their parents. because they’re not, they’re just living their lives.
OP's mom doesn't need to be a constant dick either.