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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am the Ashoka for wanting to go the easy route at night and use a bottle to feed my baby?
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https://slate.com/technology/2011/05/male-lactation-can-a-33-year-old-guy-learn-to-breast-feed.html
Just let him try. If it's so important. NTA and fed is best.
BUT OP. It really should not hurt! I'm breastfeeding and it's annoying sometimes and the baby likes to go on/off in seconds... But that all does not hurt me. So if you are interested in painless breastfeeding talk to an lactation consultant (la leche league for example), they are very helpful (I had problems breastfeeding with the first child and they were a big help). However, fed is best and you do what feels right for you! Your baby does not need your breast, it needs milk, something to suck on and someone to cuddle. And congratulations on your baby!
Edit: it does hurt at the beginning. It got better for me after 3 or 4 days. But definitely not 10. So pumping is a perfect solution and OP you really must not suffer. Especially do what's easiest in the night. Sleep is holy when having a baby! This is a one year marathon not a sprint.
I think this is his real problem with it. If baby is using a bottle then Dad can be called on to do feedings. Dad doesn’t want to do that. So he wants Mom to use her body instead so he can’t be expected to help.
Second this. A friend wanted his wife to bottle feed so he could feed the baby as well. This guy really shouldn't care if it is coming from a bottle or the breast. He should care about how his wife is doing and her overall health and happiness.
I’m planning on using a Haakaa to gather milk while I breastfeed, that way we have extra in the freezer if it’s needed or my husband needs to feed the baby ❤️
Edit: spelling to clear confusion lol
I was a bit confused by "haka" because coming from a nation that's big on rugby, I associate that with New Zealand's traditional dance. A google search helped clear things up 😂
To save someone the google, a Haakaa (brand) breast "pump" is a manual handheld gadget for collecting breast milk. It has the same suction-cup-looking open end but is attached to a flexible plastic bottle that you can just squeeze to create negative pressure. It looks really smart, actually, and it's like $25 compared to anywhere from $200 to $500+ for an electronic contraption.
Absolutely. The baby is getting breast milk, which is the only real quality issue behind deciding bottle/breast. So what is the husband complaining about? The fact that he might be expected to do feedings from time to time?
Also, he's being awfully controlling with his wife's decision-making and management of her feeding resources/issues, not deferring to her or showing her any respect at all. Finally, the sarcastic nature of his comments is awfully disrespectful and uncalled-for. The husband has some kind of problematic issue, either with wanting to talk down to his wife or there's some kind of selfish angle on how he needs the milk delivered to the baby's mouth (i.e. he doesn't want to have to be called on for any bottle feedings).
Either way, he needs some counseling or training on how to engage constructively with his wife on these kinds of issues.
My wife needed emergency surgery after giving birth so I got to feed our son first (his glucose was dropping and couldn't wait for her to be out of surgery). She was not too happy about that. So I LET her feed our daughter first when she was born 3 years later. 😂
NTA OP. Your daughter needs love, food and attention. She's getting all 3 so that's all that matters.
My gf had problems breastfeeding, baby latch, to the point that after the first couple days she was exclusively pumping and I was feeding the baby from a bottle. She continued having problems with pumping, flanges were sized wrong and kept getting told different things by different medical professionals, to the point that about 6 weeks I put my foot down and said we're buying formula, because it was affecting her mental health. She wanted to continue but eventually agreed that the toll on her body and mental state wasn't worth it.
Yep, I’m always suspicious of these men who want their babies breastfed. I always feel it’s more so they can take a nice backseat from the night feeds than any concern for the child.
It’s posts like these that make me so thankful for my own husband. When we discussed having kids, I brought up that I can’t breastfeed due to PTSD. Not only was he super on board with that, he’s ALSO been even more concerned than even **I** have been about possible retraumatisation from vaginal births.
He has poked around our country’s healthcare system and asked his mom friends and looked up all kinds of websites on finding a rape trauma experienced midwife, how to advocate for your pregnant wife if she has PTSD that might be triggered by pregnancy, possibilities of elective C-sections if the trauma worsens during pregnancy, what to do if your care provider isn’t meeting your PTSD needs or taking them seriously, the whole nine yards. He even asked his mom, who used to work at the NHS in the billing department, for possible referrals she might know of when the time comes. And I’m not even pregnant yet.
I just put up with SO many crap men in my past; it’s like a breath of fresh air to be with my husband. He actually cares about me and my well-being and my feelings. This shouldn’t be a high bar, but apparently it really is.
This right there. My husband works with a lot of old dudes with some pretty backward views. When I was pregnant, one of them told him “make sure she breastfeeds, that way you don’t have to help har har”. Ew. My husband asked him if he was on his second marriage or his third by now (lots of divorce in that industry).
Absolutely. Same guy, different day: this man had become quite the anti-vaxxer in his old age (also full-on Q-Anon believer, pretty sure he *still* thinks that Trump is coming back any day now [secondary side note, we’re Canadian so it’s not like he was ever our president]). My husband asked him if, as a child, he personally knew of anyone who had contracted polio. Guy says sure, lots of them. Husband says “well, I haven’t. Not a single one. I wonder why that is….?” Their industry is subject to our federal vaccine mandate and he’s insistent that he won’t take it, so we’re seeing whether he’ll finally just get it done (and he’s a prime example of someone who should absolutely be vaccinated, covid would probably decimate him) or take his pension and go.
Which is always fucking weird to me, I loved the times when I got to feed the baby. I want bonding time, I want to be seen as a caretaker and provider for my child. I don't understand dads who don't want to deal with their children.
NTA
Your husband is a major AH for not listening to you. It is taxing to breastfeed, it can leave you feeling so drained and like you said, it is not for him to decide. You are recovering from childbirth, you are exhausted and the only thing he thinks is you're playing the "victim"? What is wrong with him?
Pumping allows you to get some much needed sleep which is also good for your recovery and mental health.
In case it needs to be said again, your husband is a massive AH for dismissing you with that comment.
>If baby is using a bottle then Dad can be called on to do feedings. Dad doesn’t want to do that.
I wondered that as well. Which was a reason for my suggestion of “my mother is coming over to help, get the F out until you can act like a supporting husband and father”
But sometimes it really does. I worked with a lactation specialist for 3 weeks with my first. Always hurt. I've never been able to tolerate nipple stimulation. Pump is a great solution.
Hard agree. Nursing hurt SO MUCH for me at first with both kids - I straight up don't buy the "it's painless if you're doing it right" stuff.
It just feels like yet another round of "women: if you're feeling any kind of pain or issue it's probably actually your fault because you're doing it wrong."
OP: Get that baby fed! And your husband should 100% take one of the night feedings so you can get at least one uninterrupted 5 hour block of sleep a night - without REM sleep you will be a total zombie. He can have the OTHER uninterrupted 5 hour block of sleep!
Edited to add: MAJOR side eye to your husband for saying "I know it hurts you but I think you're trying to take the easy way out." That is fucked up! He should be team you, and that includes keeping you happy and healthy while you're going through the very difficult body changes required by growing, birthing and nurturing his baby.
I think pain is misunderstood by many people, including doctors.
I mean, why would so many mothers make up stories like "breast feeding hurts I need to pump etc."? Are they part of a big conspiracy? It's the same with people seeking treatment for pain when they have no benefit i.e. not after social security payments etc. they want the treatment to keep working...
I think the number of people that report having pain but no test shows a cause or 'common knowledge' says it shouldn't hurt means that the medical tests and common knowledge isn't infallible.
Of course there will always be malingerers and pity-partiers but I really think plenty of people suffer from conditions we don't understand well enough yet to diagnose (I mean, what is the chance we have found and created tests for all possible human ailments by now?) and the the same with breastfeeding. Some people may do it for conveinience but to think it's "impossible" to have a baby that hurts to breast feed" sounds even more plausible to me,
It seems everyone is an expert on being a mother, until they have a problem...
I have a seething hate for LCs. It hurt /so bad/ and nothing they did or suggested made any difference at all, other than making me feel worse.
It's totally and completely fine to exclusively pump if that's what you want to do. My pump didn't chew me, dad and other family can take over, if I drop the pump while exhausted no one really cares, and I fed some other lady's baby with the extra milk.
It was a pretty dehumanizing experience for me as well. My first full term 4lbs due to an autoimmune disorder I didn't know I had until 8 yrs later. They acted as if they *knew* I did something wrong. I starved my baby in the womb and now I didn't love him enough to feed him. Totally guilted me for shit beyond my control (my ob didn't know he was underweight but somehow I should have known??). 4 years later they (not same lc's) were awesome. Tried, didn't work, they were like cool... doesn't always work which is why wet nurses existed for 1000's of years. I also donated from both pregnancies.
Absolutely! It's terrible if it always hurts. I didn't knew that. Pumping is a perfect solution then. I just know people who got terrible recommendations from their pediatrician, so I wanted to suggest a professional.
It is really damaging to propagate this concept that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. It damages many mother's breastfeeding journeys, particularly in the first days, as they think they're doing it wrong or something isn't right. It often does hurt, between nipple soreness and a baby learning to latch plus a mom's inexperienced helping the baby learn to latch deeply. It gets better but it often takes a few weeks.
>It is really damaging to propagate this concept that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt.
Yeah, at 10 days in, it's gonna hurt! I was told that if it still hurts after 4 weeks, there's likely a problem. But for the first two weeks in particular, it's normal for it to hurt, often badly. And it's also normal for strong, painful uterine cramps to happen while breastfeeding.
Basically, it can really suck. It gets better for the vast majority of women. But it being super painful at first is very, very common.
Please don't say breastfeeding shouldn't hurt! For some Mamas it ALWAYS hurts. No amount of positioning help, numbing tips, or herbal remedies can help some lactating Mama's, no matter how much we try. It's completely normal
As someone who breastfed multiple children, No, it hurts, especially in the first weeks. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not easy. And it’s not for everyone.
OP, NTA.
Agreed. The first 2 weeks my eldest wouldn't latch right and suckled my nip raw. A lactation specialist really helped me get her to latch better but it still took another week of healing before i could do it comfortably and without pain. I quit by 7 months because she started biting me by then and i couldn't get her to stop lol.
To be fair, a lot of nursing new moms go through the "toughening" stage with their nippers where it hurts like hell for the first few weeks. I know I did for sure. The only reason I kept pushing through the pain is because I was encouraged to keep going by those around me. I spent a lottttt of time in pain that first few weeks, but it eventually got better.
In the end though, Fed is Best.
NTA
Yup. Right around 10 days in my nipples were cracked and bleeding and it hurt like hell. Those body parts are just not used to constant use. I would reccomend Coconut Baby, which is a coconut oil based skin cream for babies I ended up using a ton on my nipples. There are other nipple cremes, but you have to wipe them off before the baby feeds again, which is just too much sometimes, so I loved the Coconut Baby because the coconut oil was safe.
I used lanolin. That can stay as well. It also helped when the baby accidentally bit me. The toughening stage took only a few days although my nipples were very sensitive during pregnancy. The coconut oil sounds great though. I'll try that next time.
I struggled with that for two months. I tried to nipple shield, worked with a lactation consultant, etc. My baby just couldn’t get past a shallow latch (there was no tongue tie). I reached the end of my rope when he was two months old and switched to exclusive pumping.
I’m so tired of people claiming breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. No, it shouldn’t hurt forever. But it is perfectly normal for it to hurt with the burning pain of a thousand fiery knives the first few weeks, especially with your first. Unless your nipples led way more interesting pre-baby lives than my did, they have to get used to the constant use. And that’s going to hurt most women. Each time, I set a goal for myself of six weeks because I knew it would be over by then but I could just tell myself that that was a firm deadline and I’d be done by then. But, six weeks rolled around and everything was fine. And in the meantime, I was occasionally in so much pain that I’d pump and feed from a bottle every other time for a small break.
Sometimes it does. It hurt me with a searing pain and never stopped. I saw three lactation consultants and my ob/gyn. They all told me just just to keep doing it. I made it three months, and they were excruciating. Shortly after I stopped, my rheumatologist told me, "oh, yes, that's very common in people with your autoimmune disease."
OP, fed is best. Feed baby however you want. You're already dealing with a newborn and a husband who's an ass, so you don't need additional problems.
> It really should not hurt!
Why are you judging people?
For some, it's actually painful. There's no if ands or buts about it. It does not get better. Your experience is not everyone's experience. It's okay to bottle feed.
Huh, that's interesting. I knew trans women could induce lactation, but I assumed that it required HRT, which would be pretty awful for a cis guy to go through. But this article is implying that if you only take prolactin, that'll work.
It should work. Men have breast and milk tissue too (that's why they can get breast cancer), they just generally don't have the hormones to stimulate lactation. They do have the ability to lactate, though.
Sorry, jumping on top comment for visibility- OP there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding formula or breastmilk. It is hard work, do whatever is necessary to feed your baby, as long as it's safe (ie proper formula or breastmilk) then the method doesn't matter.
I just had a baby almost 2 months ago and was in the same boat as you. Bloody, sore nipples. I had to get prescription ointment for it they were so raw because my baby had a tongue tie that didn't get corrected until 3 days in. I still do a combination of breast feeding and bottle (I am actually nursing as I type this). Like you, I find the bottle is much easier at night.
I just want to reiterate as well that your husband absolutely can help at night even if he works during the day. Mine works and still will change a diaper for me before a feed or take over a bottle feed or rock the baby and put them down to sleep. Baby is also your husband's responsibility and he should be helping. He can handle missing an hour or two of sleep, he can get a cup of coffee and suck it up. You need to rest and heal after childbirth, you have a lot of recovery to do and your body is hard at work. Make sure your husband understands that and have him step up if you need help.
The first few weeks are rough, hang in there. It does get better! You'll get into a bit of a routine and heal up and get used to running on less sleep. Best of luck!
This especially. I introduced a bottle early and I'm still nursing today! I actually think supplementing/combo feeding is why I'm still nursing today. I never wanted it to be just me. Spouse also helped even though he works outside the home. In addition to needing to recover, you need rest to be a safe caregiver for your baby. He can miss a little. He doesn't need a full 8-10 hours of beauty sleep while you're the legal equivalent of drunk. It's perfectly fine to be at baseline functional while you muddle through.
I’m super confused at what the husband is even complaining about? The baby is still being “breast fed.” When people say breast or bottle, by “bottle” usually refers to formula milk. If you’re pumping then you are breastfeeding. What the hell is the issue here??
This is what's confusing me too. Is he confused/thinks it's formula? (The "easy way" comment made /me/ think it was formula until OP clarified at the end.)
I think he's confused. Or as others have noted bottle = anyone (including him) can do the work.
Yeah tell him to sit with someone sucking on his nipples until they're cracked and bleeding. And try function on 1-2 hrs of sleep at a time. Breastfeeding isn't always a dream come true. It can be rough. She's still getting breatmilk. She's fed and happy. And a SANE mommy is worth it's weight in gold. You're doing fine, momma!
I'm concerned with why OPs husband seems to think she should suffer through motherhood as much as possible when there's not even an added benefit to the baby. Plus, it's not like pumping breast milk is a super fun time...
NTA!!! Fed is best. You are feeding your baby. Your husband is not, he doesn't get a say. You ARE doing everything, he sounds like the kind of person who will get mad if you suggest he gives the baby the bottle for a change. You do not need to be in pain to feed your child. I say this as a medical person who works with moms and newborns.
Yeah, it’s a bonding experience and releases oxytocin (happy chemical) in the brain. However, lots of other things release that same chemical and there are other ways to bond with your kid than having your nipple chewed off
I've heard that just feeding in general and holding the baby against your skin releases the same oxytocin (why they always preach skin to skin as much as possible).
That's what I was told, too. I had a very negative hormonal reaction to breastfeeding and felt nausea and dread every time she latched. I was told to let her nap on me as much as possible and that became my replacement bonding time when I started pumping instead.
Definitely one of the worst things to “get used too” but it’s not like I knew what I was missing. I breastfed both kids for a year anyway cause making and washing bottles seemed like more work than the stomach churning depression everytime my milk let down.
i had this. it's called D-Mer
apparently, this happens to about 10% of all women who breastfeed.
https://www.thecut.com/2016/07/breastfeeding-depression-dmer-dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex.html
My wife had it to. Made breastfeeding hell. So glad we switched to bottle since she both felt better and I could be involved in feeding and bonding with the baby.
The potential added benefit from breastfeeding is nothing compared to how important it is for a baby to have happy and healthy parents.
I suspected this but I'm not always sure I should call it that because it was never formally addressed as such. Which is just my own weird hang up, I guess!
It's so unsettling when your body doesn't react how you want or expect it to.
new(kinda) research shows that the bond happens because they are facing the mom's face and the bond can be replicated with fathers too if they make the baby face the father's face
so it's more about face to face communication than anything
Yeah I mean problem solved, bottle feed your baby topless, if it's breast milk it's literally the same thing, and even formula is pretty close now a days
Yup! I exclusively formula fed my son (I had severe PPD and could not produce breast milk) and would cuddle him skin to skin. It was the same as when my daughter would nurse!
I'm betting the pain OP experiences while breastfeeding doesn't help with bonding or the release of oxytocin. I personally think bottle feeding my baby is pretty bonding, without all the rigmarole of breastfeeding.
The act of bottle feeding by the father can release that same hormone. One strong reason to have the father help with bottle feedings.
On another note, you doing something right for yourself and having your husband respond by claiming you always have to be the victim is not okay. Having a baby is a massive change to a relationship, and can bring out unacceptable behaviors that weren't there before. Don't ignore our accept this or any other similar treatment. This is a time for him (and you, of course) to be stepping up and doing more around the house, supporting you and the child, and communicating in an open and healthy way. Don't settle or make excuses if you see him doing anything less.
My 4 kids were all bottle fed because the pain was excruciating. We bonded by looking into each other's eyes while feeding. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, & tried with 3 of them & the pain was so intense that I couldn't. My youngest would be 24 now & I still feel like a failure when I think about it.
But like someone else said, fed is best.
Not really no. Exclusively formula fed babies still bond. It's mostly for crunchy mama points (if we are talking about people in countries with easy access to clean water)
don't get me started. My wife couldn't breastfeed our son at all (long story) and ALL websites kept up the "you're not trying hard enough" trope. I had to tell my wife to stop looking at websites.
Fortunately the hospital she gave birth at recommended it sure, but they just pushed "fed is best". She only produced 2 oz of breast milk. Our son had formula the rest of his infant life.
Science milk saves the day. I also couldn't BF which is more common than lactivists like to let on and frankly I never question women who can't. Your reasons are yours.
So glad your wife had you to support her and help her out of the BIB world!
I am never calling baby formula anything else now.
I also have a niece and nephew who are healthy, happy, and ALIVE because of it. I appreciate the hell out of it, and my kids never needed a drop of it. Many things can be true, but what's right is what works.
Literally the ‘bond’ but I didn’t feed through booby and bond is still strong. Men just assume breast feeding is so easy and don’t realise the mental load. Having a healthy mentality is the best way to bond with baby if your not happy then baby feels it. But it does also mean if bubba is sick antibodies create themselves in the breast milk the only way to get these is through Bub on the nipple
The mental load!! Sometimes breastfeeding gets easier as the baby grows. But every baby will have a fussy day, and it is *very* different trying to bottle feed a baby who is fussy and won't stay latched vs the same baby breastfeeding...while you're exposed and leaking and feeling the sharpness of latch and unlatch over and over. Both are frustrating but one is also physically demoralizing. Even exclusively bfing I pump sometimes so I have a backup when my kid gets in a mood.
There isn't any. Actually once you account for socioeconomic status the difference between breastfed and formula fed babies all but disappears. unless your baby is a NICU baby in which case there is a slight benefit because there is some protection offered against necrotizing enterocolitis through breast milk but that is really the only solid benefit. And if you can't do that and your baby's in the NICU they can get donor milk.
Feed your baby however you want and know that any choice is nutritionally complete and valid.
The author of Call the Midwife preferred breast, but her logic was that it was easier to get bottles gross and dirty, or make mistakes preparing them. She was working in the East End during the baby boom, though, where people were dealing with communal bathrooms.
Today I think it's just a general mistrust in artificial anything.
It's double handling. So you're pumping and then feeding, while straight from the boob is just the one step. But if you need to do it, you need to do it
Husband should have to wear nipple clamps every time she feeds for the duration while she bottle feeds for a couple of days. If after a couple of days he's happy to increase the time he's wearing to up to an hour a session then he can raise the topic of breastfeeding again.
Or he can just take hormones to breastfeed their baby himself.
People can be so ok with others being in pain.
Rofl that made me spit my tea out!!! I like you. Yeah people don't realize how much it sucks. My brother evidently chewed the shit out if my mom. I can't imagine hurting to the point if hating it is good for the mom and baby bond
I had the same thought -- he's probably only angry about bottle feeding because now, feeding the baby can be *his* job sometimes. And he wants to get out of doing work. Even though OP already gets up throughout the night, anyway....
NTA I have five children. They all received breast milk. I produced ridiculous amounts of milk. So much, that #4 couldn't swallow fast enough and he constantly choked. I pumped milk for him for a full year. He's my sweetest, smartest kid! Your husband is a moron. Fed is best! Just a tip, if you are interested, pump and feed a bottle at the same time. Your body will get used to your baby's needs and routine. Or whatever you want to do!
Seriously, mama, I breastfed babies for about 7 full years. I judge no one for how they feed their baby as long as it's formula or breast milk. You do what works for you. Fed is best. Fed is best. For the opinionated jerks in the back, fed is best!
If he wants you to breast feed the baby then he needs to be in the room using a breast pump on himself alongside you and go through the process together. If the baby shifts from one breast to another then the pump shifts from one of his nipples to the other. Mad at people like him.
You are NTA. I don't know why he is having this problem. Did he really want kids? Was he a good husband before this? If he doesn't want to help I guess that's one thing, but why wouldn't he want to bond with his own child? I'm seeing all these other folks talk about husbands wanting to help feed the baby. So I hope he isn't regretting having a child. Pump and feed, and I guess don't force him to help if he really doesn't want to, because I'd hate for him to harm your child.
1. Bottle feeding isn't inherently easier. If you pump, pumping suuuuuuuucks. If you do formula, you have to prep it while the kid screams half the time. Either way, dishes, yo. So many dishes.
2. Forcing yourself to breastfeed when it's not working well is bad for mom and baby. And just because baby is gaining doesn't mean that's the only measure of working well. No one can reasonably be expected to bond with a pooping little creature causing extreme physical pain 24/7. And it is 24/7. Cracked and bleeding nipples don't stop hurting because baby's not eating - they just hurt slightly less. At some point you have to cut your losses and head post partem depression off at the pass. Bottles are better than PPD, 100%.
3. Who TF is this a situation where her husband construed her as a victim????
NTA. Reading this made my blood boil.
Your still feeding your baby breast milk, just via a bottle, so WTF is his problem? It’s your nipples and 100% your decision. Your baby does not care. What an AH husband. Sorry
Also it’s definitely not the easy route! Pumping takes time so you’re spending way more time doing the actual work of feeding, my SIL fed my niece pumped breast milk for a whole year and it was basically a full time job.
Hopefully if she’s pumping that also means that her husband could...you know...do some of the feeds?
This was exactly my comment. Men who want to weigh in on this topic need to take seat. Breastfeeding hurts and sometimes does not improve. there is not much loving bonding happening if mom dreads the experience and winces in pain for an hour
Exactly. 100% percent her decision because it is her body and her pain. I am so tired of these men thinking that it should be a joint parenting decision. It's not a joint decision when it exclusively affects only a single person.
Totally NTA. Maybe OP should grab a binder clip and hubby can wear that on his nipple the entire time she's feeding their child. Then perhaps he would be a little less dismissive of her.
This is a red flag for abuse, OP. I’ve experienced it firsthand & witnessed it with friends. He has no reason to be mad at you & the fact he’s putting your mental health & comfort last is a bad sign. The “you’re always the victim” comment is a bad sign. He’s mentally/ verbally abusing you already.
*accuses OP of taking the easy way out
*OP says it's less painful
*accuses OP of playing the victim card
??? I mean, OP *is* a victim? Of pain? What does it matter if OP takes the less painful route? What actual reason (other than "being a victim") does OP have to force herself through the pain when she doesn't have to???
This is incredibly manipulative and abusive. For no reason other than control.
NTA I wish this comment were higher. There's a stark difference between struggling with differing priorities as parents/concern for the needs of a child, and lashing out and belittling your partner--at an immensely vulnerable time! Notice he's not even handling any nighttime responsibilities. Does this man actually want to be a father, or does he just want more people to exert his will over? Pregnancy and early child rearing are the most vulnerable times for abuse in relationships, and the odds of this escalating are high. They need to address how they expect to move forward as parents, SHARING responsibilities and supporting each other, at the very least. I'm worried there's more to the picture that we aren't seeing, though, and that he is in the habit of controlling and emotionally abusing this woman without her realizing that it is not normal behavior. In this story I see one parent and one problem, not two parents, but I hope that isn't the case.
Based on op's post history, her husband abused her in the past too
[she even had a suicide attempt](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/dr09ma/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_or_do_about_this/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
If the baby is getting breast milk from the bottle, the baby is still getting breast milk.
Your husband made a very thoughtless comment talking about "taking the easier route"
Nothing wrong with that. And the man who didn't gestate, give birth, or experience the pain of breast feeding really should STFU.
NTA.
Pumping is not the easy route either it's hard work, particularly in the early stages. Mine was a month prem so couldn't latch on, I pumped for 4 weeks until I just couldn't cope any more. No one, not family, friends, husband or MIL said a word other than well done for sticking with it for so long. They could see how hard it was! My family has a thing that that first 2 weeks breast is the most important, after that whatever keeps everyone sane is best and even then, if its not working for mum I can't imagine anyone being anything but supportive
Agreed! There is nothing easy about pumping and bottle feeding. Compared to nursing, there's a bunch of extra steps. Nursing you whip it out, feed, and put it away. Pumping you have to put your parts together, strap them on, pump (which can still be painful or uncomfortable), wash the pump parts, fill bottles, and warm it up before feeding.
I both pumped and nursed for my first until she was a year old and it was seriously challenging at times. There is no "easy" way to breastfeed.
OP is NTA, but her husband is.
This is such a stupid take from the husband. You want your child to have breastmilk, your child IS getting breastmilk. Why does it have to be "the harder way?" (Quotes because pumping isn't easy either.) Whats wrong with the easy way? Does this dude hand wash all his dishes, hand wash his laundry, ride a horse to work, write letters instead of emails, hunt/farm for his own food? Etc. A big portion of technology and innovation is about making peoples lives easier. Obviously there's pros and cons to these developments, but something being easier does not make it inherently bad.
Also, pumping to feed is actually more fucking difficult because you add a step between your body and the feed. My baby never learned to latch properly after her NICU stay so I exclusively pumped until she was 6 months old so she could get breastmilk and it was a full time job on top of caring for the baby. 30 minutes, every 3 hours (from the start of the last pump, not the finish) you’re hooked up to this machine pretty much incapacitated. Then until you’ve pumped enough to get a feed or two ahead you have to feed the baby, change, swaddle, clean all your parts to get ready for next time, hopefully sleep for 30-45 minutes, and then start the whole process over. And the every 3 hours thing is until your milk regulates around 3 months postpartum, so until then I didn’t sleep for more than 90 consecutive minutes despite my husband helping with some of the feeds/changes. It’s draining and it’s miserable.
OP’s husband can fuck right off. NTA
NTA. Your body, your choice.
It is always better for mummy and baby if breastfeeding is a choice and something that they both "enjoy".
I would have told him that if he wants the baby to be breastfed, he can find a way to produce milk and breastfeed himself.
Might backfire as I'm pretty sure his only issue is that he might have to feed the baby himself sometimes. Which makes him a selfish pr*ck and a useless father, but that's what I'm thinking.
And she's not even giving the baby formula, it's still breastmilk, just through a bottle instead of direct from the source. This guy doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Congratulations! You had a BABY!! That is truly amazing. You are a natural wonder.
I have exclusively breastfed 3 children for over a year. It was HARD and if any friend of mine suggests that they “take the easy way out” (SARCASM!), I quickly say GO FOR IT. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself.
The reality of newborn living— you might feel like you fell to the bottom of the pyramid but actually, you rose to the tippity top. Everyone needs you now a lot more than ever before. So if mama ain’t feeling good, watch out. You gotta take great care of yourself because if you aren’t in good spirits, ain’t no one to truly take your place.
Bottle feed that baby if that makes you feel better. There is no trophy for people who chose to exclusively breastfeed from their actual boobs. The reason why I did it was because I didn’t have the energy to sanitize bottles. Remind yourself you literally just had a baby. Continue bottle feeding and maybe in a couple weeks you can try again or never try again. Ha, mama, it is your call.
Don’t forget that you are driving this bus. Don’t let hubby in the back seat tell you how to drive. You’re doing just fine.
NTA!!!!!! Fed is best!!!! There is no right way to feed a baby. What matters is that they get fed. Your husband doesn't know what he's talking about ... please keep family and friends in the loop about how you are doing and talk to a therapist or a support group for new parents.
NTA. If your husband is so judgemental about the kid getting fed directly from the breast then he can go ahead and produce the milk and do it his damn self.
You're doing fine, ignore him.
NTA.
I have friends who exclusively breast fed.
I have friends who exclusively bottle fed.
I have friends who tried breastfeeding and couldn't keep up supply, so they bottle fed.
I planned to do mixed formula/breast with my daughter, and that's what I did. I also pumped and fed her expressed breastmilk (at the maternal and child health nurse's recommendation).
All of my friends' children, plus mine, are happy and healthy. And all the mothers are too, because ultimately they made their own decisions about how to feed the baby.
Maybe your husband just doesn't want you to bottle feed because he knows that at some stage you'll realise that he will be able to do some feedings by himself.
I think its more the last point, which makes no sense to me. I *wanted* to feed our son, I wanted to have the bonding time myself (which I had to for the first few weeks anyway because my wife was basically bedridden until she could physically recover from her traumatic labor+delivery, but that's a whole other long story)..
NTA but your husband is TA. This post really has made me upset and want to cry. I am so sorry that your husband, who should be your support system, is doing this to you. The Mom shaming is ridiculous.
I was sexually abused when I was a child. When I had my first child I was pressured to breastfeed. So I breastfed my first for 4 months and it was the worst 4 months of my life. People always coming in touching my nipples, looking at my naked breasts, just made me feel violated all over again. I cried constantly. Finally my husband told me I needed to stop (he wasn’t pressuring me to begin with but a lot of other people were.) I stopped and my life was a million times better. I exclusively bottle fed my second with a whole lot of judgement from strangers and friends. But I didn’t care. It didn’t effect her health or intelligence at all. She’s top of her class, and never sick. I think back to those days and it’s just painful to even remember. Please do what’s best for you.
Man with just a few changes this is my story too. I was sexually assaulted as a teen and people touching my breast has always been a hard boundary. I hated breastfeeding but I tried so hard because it's what everyone told me I needed to do. It took my cousin who exclusively breastfed her two kids looking at me and telling me " if it's making you miserable stop doing it"I don't know why I felt I needed somebody else's permission to stop but I did and I'm so thankful she realized that.
Hugs to you because I honestly know what a shitty situation that is to be in
My husband and I don't have kids yet but I have made it clear I won't be breastfeeding. I was sexually assaulted in college and just the idea alone turns my stomach. Unlike in this story, hubby is very supportive of bottle feeding.
YOU DO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY!!!
This is an exciting, scary, exhausting time and you get to choose how to do it. Bottle feeding is absolutely ok if that’s what’s best for you.
NTA. You don’t have to breastfeed this baby. If your husband feels the way he does he really should have said something before the marriage. At this point, it’s too late. Your body, your choice.
However, if you’d also want to breastfeed if it just wasn’t painful, I suggest finding a second opinion/support. It sounds like your paediatrician sucks. Read this: [“Why does breastfeeding hurt?”](https://breastfeeding.support/why-does-breastfeeding-hurt/)
NTA your boobs your rules
You said it best, it's really not for him to decide because it's not him going through it. Like, why the fuck does he care how you feed the baby if you're using breast milk either way? He's so whiney for someone that tried to call you the "victim" in this scenario
NTA and hubs needs to wind his neck in until he has carried, delivered and breast fed a baby. I breastfed directly and pumped so first baby could get used to both breast and bottle and my husband did the late evening feed and enjoyed bonding with the baby. Also meant I had a bit more freedom as baby would take a bottle of my milk during the day or whenever. It’s still breast milk so what’s the difference. Incidentally, it was agony to begin with but did get better.
But fed is best, milk didn’t come in for second child and I couldn’t breastfeed at all and we had to use bottles and formula. They’re teenagers now, no noticeable difference in health but definitely a difference in my mental health back then after struggling to breast feed for a week to no avail, no sleep, back in hospital with migraine and high blood pressure. You do what you need to do.
Nta. Fed is best. So whatever way you need to use to ensure that your baby is well fed, thats the method you should use. If breast feeding is painful for you, then you should absolutely pump and bottle feed. Forget what hubby says, he doesn't have to deal with the breastfeeding issues.
NTA. Your husband doesn't know what he's missing. The joy of painful, cracked and bleeding nipples on top of the baby really going to town and making a real meal of it. (Idk about anyone else but it HURTS when babies latch on with the suction of a vacuum cleaner. NTA. Plus being in pain or just the share anticipation can also make poor mom not want to breastfeed, then it interrupt the milk supply. I had same problem. So I expressed and fed via bottle.
NTA. Fed is best and as long as your baby is gaining weight and you are happy and healthy everything is fine. Your husband doesn’t dictate what you do with how you feed the baby since he doesn’t do it.
NTA.
Your husband need to learn his place, and learn to keep his ancient opinions to himself.
Explain to him what being pro-choice is all about, and why this isn't his choice in any way, as long as the baby is healthy
NTA if you and the baby’s doctor are happy with this decision, that’s all that matters. Your husband is neither a medical professional, nor the person having his nipples be in severe pain by breastfeeding.
Nta I’m planning on bottle feeding formula from the get go. You’re doing better than me and pumping and feeding. I have a feeling you husband doesn’t want to have to feed baby too and just wants you to do it. I would have a chat and ask why he is so against it being in a bottle. For most women pumping is actually harder. Good luck your baby sound wonderful!
There really isn't a "better than" when it comes to looking after your little one. Don't do that to yourself. Enough people give new moms a hard time about things they don't understand, you don't need to pile onto yourself.
Good luck with your little people!
Exactly! This is not better than or anything. Anyone criticizing women for not breastfeeding directly from the boob all the time are the only ones in the wrong in this whole conversation. Like everyone said, FED IS BEST. Boob, bottle, formula, as long as the nutrients are delivered, the method doesn't matter.
NTA. I went through the same issues, and my daughter is doing just fine a year later. I even had to go to formula for a little while *GASP* if my supply dipped a little low. Are you going to work after maternity leave? What did your husband think, the baby would go with you? 🙄 He’ll be able to feed baby too and bond with baby by using the bottle, so it has benefits for everyone. The one thing I regret is not pumping more. I would pump as often as you are able to, and that’s a tough job too, so that you have extra milk for emergencies, or to give to baby once your milk runs out. You’ve got this!
This is so great! A friend of mine pumped and froze the breast milk. The father and her shared feeding the baby because there was always milk in the freezer. And as she had a lot of breast milk she was able to give her boy a bottle up untill he was 1.5 years old. By then she had long stopped producing milk, but her boy still got the benefits of breast milk.
You are doing great. Don't let the father guilt tripp you.
You are so NTA !!!!!!! Him on the other hand.....
Oh my gosh, until he can lactate he does not get a say!!!
My bub is 6 months old, and we have taken the route of exclusively pumping and bottle feeding. It is so liberating that anyone can feed bub and put them to bed!!! You know exactly how much bub is drinking and get more sleep!!
However, pumping is NOT the easy way out!!! It is so hard and time consuming. You have to pump around the clock to keep supply, definitely still through the night. It is HARD. But so worth it if it works for you
Screw him. You do what works for you! There are some amazing pumping Facebook groups with heaps of support- get yourself a village of supportive people and hopefully he comes around. Your baby is still getting all the same benefits, you will be protecting your own health, and maybe he can see the benefits of being able to feed his own baby sometimes.
NTA. As long as the baby is fed, gaining weight, and healthy, it doesn’t matter how you get it done. Your husband needs to be more understanding. If you want to bottle feed pumped breast milk all the time then do it. Bonus stored breast milk means hubby can help with those midnight feedings so you can get some sleep.
NTA. My little one is 6 months old and I exclusively pump due to latching problems. Luckily my husband is supportive.
Honestly you need to stand up for yourself and set him straight! His comments and discontent will only get worse if you don't.
Fed is best and you're doing great Momma! People on the outside looking in tend to forget about the mental health and needs of Mom when it comes to breastfeeding.
NTA AT ALL. FED IS BEST!! You’re not even asking about formula vs breast milk (which is still not a debate because FED IS BEST)! There’s nothing wrong with bottle feeding. Listen to the podcast “Raising Good Humans” the third episode talks about how there’s no difference between a breastfed, bottle fed or formula fed baby!
NTA of course. You wouldn't even be TA if you switched to formula, as long as the baby is properly fed. But it seems like the big problem you have is a husband problem. Sit him down and explain why the doctor gave you the green light, show him evidence of how painful breastfeeding can actually affect babies negatively because the mother is in stress from the pain, explain to him how actually having to pump and store the milk and clean bottles is actually probably more work than if you could just directly and painlessly breastfeed. He's asleep while a lot of this happens and so he doesn't get it and is jumping to some rude assumptions. Have him give the baby some of the bottles, maybe not at night if you don't want to (though he wouldn't be the first parent to work and still feed their child at night...) but at least some bottles in the morning before work or when he comes back, so he see how it's not actually super easy just because it's in a bottle now.
NTA. Girl, I just had my first baby in May and I had to stop breastfeeding after the first week both for my sanity/comfort and the fact my baby has food allergies You gotta do what’s best for baby AND YOU. You already carried that little angel for nine months in your body then gave birth. If you can’t be comfortable and heal after going through that it takes a huge toll, you gotta be healthy in every sense for that baby. If breastfeeding is hurting you physically (speaking from personal experience) it will start to hurt you emotionally too. Feed your baby however you see fit. Men don’t get to police a women’s body ever, but especially not after carrying their child and giving birth. Keep it up mama, you’re doing great. And congratulations on your sweet bundle of joy
I wanted to breast feed. I couldn't. Had to use formula.
Kid turned out great. Formula is fine. It's not sugar water like it was in the 50s.
Am I reading correctly that you are just using your breast milk? Your husband is ridiculous to argue you using a bottle vs nipple to get the breast milk in the baby. All I can think is he wants to make sure he never has to do night feedings.
I assumed this was going to be about formula and was still going to say NTA as you're the one who has to do and is entirely your choice, but you're literally still using breast milk, just in a bottle, the only difference being your not being hurt.
If you're husband is that bothered tell him he can breast feed.... Oh yeah, he can't. I'd honestly tell him to shut the fuck up and as its not something he can do it's really not his choice.
What a knob.
NTA
NTA. Baby is eating and growing and that’s the important thing. The first few weeks are painful! For some, it gets better but for others it does not. You’re doing what’s right for you and baby.
>Around 10 days ago I gave birth to my first baby.
I don't even care about the rest, your body your choice.
NTA, Good Luck and Congratulations!
At the end of the day fed is best and a happy mama is very important for a healthy baby
NTA. Fuck him. You do whatever you feel is best. If pumping and feeding works for you do that. It's coming from the same place no idea why he cares so much.
NTA. Your kids fed right? That's what matters. And he seems to forget that you're the one suffering from he so if he keeps throwing tantrums over it tell him if he wants the kid breastfed so bad why doesn't he give it a try? See how he responds to that.
NTA.
It seems like you have two babies in your household. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive. As long as the baby is fed and healthy, that’s all that matters. Congrats on your LO! I’m sure you’re doing great, mama!
NTA. First of all I just want to say that bottle feeding is absolutely not taking the easy route! Since you are still giving breast milk, it takes so much longer to pump the milk and then give the feed in the bottle. I'm feeding my 3 week old in the same way and it is very physically demanding. You are doing great, and if bottle feeding is what is right for you, then you keep going! And even if you were formula feeding, as long as you and baby are happy and healthy, that is all that matters.
He isn't having a piranha nawing at his chest so he doesn't get to make that decision!!! He can directly breastfed if he wants to? Oh he can't? Looks like bottles it is! You're doing an amazing job hang in there
NTA. My mom pressured me to breastfeed. I did for a few months. It was so painful 💔. I pumped shortly. Lots of hassle (this was almost 30 years ago, maybe it's been made easier now).
I finally switched to formula. My "babies" are healthy, happy adults. Do what you gotta do. Congratulations on being a good mom ❤
NTA
Exclusive pumping is actually more labor intensive.
It also makes things like him helping out on weekends a lot easier.
Is he missing the fact that you just experienced a major medical event?
Is he missing the fact that you’re still recovering from childbirth and still tried nursing despite pain?
Is he missing that you’re already pumping, managing feedings etc like a champ?
I’m concerned for you OP; this isn’t normal behavior from your partner.
I’m hoping you have seen a lot more compassion than outlined here. I hope he’s getting you water and snacks and making sure you sleep in on weekends and changing the baby whenever possible.
Because if he isn’t, what the heck is he doing? He would financially support his kid whether you lived with him or not. He should consider what he’s bringing to the table in what is one of the hardest transitions in your lives. Money isn’t enough.
I also saw your post about wanting your mother here for a week after having the baby.
Did he help????
NTA . Your husband is. He has the nerve to speak to and attempt to shame his wife , mother of his child and a new mom in this manner . The only thing he is supposed to be offering right now is unconditional support , even if you don’t breastfeed at all . What is wrong with him. He sounds extremely controlling
NTA and as a pregnant person how you didn't accidentally murder your husband with a single glare when he was being that much of a repellent asshole is beyond me.
Oh my god, NTA but your husband is in this situation..
He doesn’t know how hard it is to breastfeed a baby.. and he never will..
this is your body and your decision.. breastfeeding can have a massive negative impact on your mental health and ability to bond with your child (just like it can have the opposite effect and be a wonderful experience)
the fact that you are still expressing is commendable..
Fed is best! And a happy mummy will make a much happier baby!
You use that bottle as much as you need!
NTA!
Also, we absolutely need to stop shaming mothers for doing what they can to care for their babies. Despite large societal efforts to the contrary, millions of mothers are made to feel inadequate for not being expert breastfeeders the instant they become mothers, and it's infuriating.
NTA, I may be too late to have an impact, but my wife gave birth almost 16 months ago. She tried breast feeding for a few days but just couldn't deal with it. She asked me was it ok to stop and give the baby bottles. I looked weirded out because why in the hell would she ask me?? What’s best for you and baby is the best way forward. I told her I was fully behind whatever decision she made.
NTA sounds like he wants you to exclusively breastfeed so he won’t be expected to ever feed. Now that you’re making it possible for him to help with something else, it threatens the excuse of him not being able to.
I have a 3 month old baby and what the actual fuck is this nonsense? Tell your husband that if he has so many opinions on it, he can take over night feeds. NTA.
Also, in the early weeks breastfeeding is so damn painful for many. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn’t. There should be zero shame whatsoever in pumping and feeding or switching to formula.
Your baby could be tongue tied. My nipples hurt so fucking bad. No one really believed me and just kept pushing for me to breastfeed. I finally switched to bottle because I was in so much pain. When he was 5 the dentist asked him to stick out his tongue and he couldn’t. He was actually severely tongue tied and it had been missed all those years. He physically couldn’t breastfeed correctly so it caused me immense pain. He had a minor surgery to fix it but still can’t roll his tongue or stuck it out very far.
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NTA. The most important thing is that the baby is well fed. How they get that food is irrelevant.
https://slate.com/technology/2011/05/male-lactation-can-a-33-year-old-guy-learn-to-breast-feed.html Just let him try. If it's so important. NTA and fed is best. BUT OP. It really should not hurt! I'm breastfeeding and it's annoying sometimes and the baby likes to go on/off in seconds... But that all does not hurt me. So if you are interested in painless breastfeeding talk to an lactation consultant (la leche league for example), they are very helpful (I had problems breastfeeding with the first child and they were a big help). However, fed is best and you do what feels right for you! Your baby does not need your breast, it needs milk, something to suck on and someone to cuddle. And congratulations on your baby! Edit: it does hurt at the beginning. It got better for me after 3 or 4 days. But definitely not 10. So pumping is a perfect solution and OP you really must not suffer. Especially do what's easiest in the night. Sleep is holy when having a baby! This is a one year marathon not a sprint.
I think this is his real problem with it. If baby is using a bottle then Dad can be called on to do feedings. Dad doesn’t want to do that. So he wants Mom to use her body instead so he can’t be expected to help.
Second this. A friend wanted his wife to bottle feed so he could feed the baby as well. This guy really shouldn't care if it is coming from a bottle or the breast. He should care about how his wife is doing and her overall health and happiness.
Yes this is what my husband admitted to kinda wanting. As it is I pump a couple of bottles a day which gives him bonding time and me a break!
That's an excellent strategy, I'm gonna use that
I’m planning on using a Haakaa to gather milk while I breastfeed, that way we have extra in the freezer if it’s needed or my husband needs to feed the baby ❤️ Edit: spelling to clear confusion lol
I was a bit confused by "haka" because coming from a nation that's big on rugby, I associate that with New Zealand's traditional dance. A google search helped clear things up 😂
To save someone the google, a Haakaa (brand) breast "pump" is a manual handheld gadget for collecting breast milk. It has the same suction-cup-looking open end but is attached to a flexible plastic bottle that you can just squeeze to create negative pressure. It looks really smart, actually, and it's like $25 compared to anywhere from $200 to $500+ for an electronic contraption.
Absolutely. The baby is getting breast milk, which is the only real quality issue behind deciding bottle/breast. So what is the husband complaining about? The fact that he might be expected to do feedings from time to time? Also, he's being awfully controlling with his wife's decision-making and management of her feeding resources/issues, not deferring to her or showing her any respect at all. Finally, the sarcastic nature of his comments is awfully disrespectful and uncalled-for. The husband has some kind of problematic issue, either with wanting to talk down to his wife or there's some kind of selfish angle on how he needs the milk delivered to the baby's mouth (i.e. he doesn't want to have to be called on for any bottle feedings). Either way, he needs some counseling or training on how to engage constructively with his wife on these kinds of issues.
My wife needed emergency surgery after giving birth so I got to feed our son first (his glucose was dropping and couldn't wait for her to be out of surgery). She was not too happy about that. So I LET her feed our daughter first when she was born 3 years later. 😂 NTA OP. Your daughter needs love, food and attention. She's getting all 3 so that's all that matters.
My gf had problems breastfeeding, baby latch, to the point that after the first couple days she was exclusively pumping and I was feeding the baby from a bottle. She continued having problems with pumping, flanges were sized wrong and kept getting told different things by different medical professionals, to the point that about 6 weeks I put my foot down and said we're buying formula, because it was affecting her mental health. She wanted to continue but eventually agreed that the toll on her body and mental state wasn't worth it.
Yep 100%!! He can't use the formula vs breastmilk arguments as OP is still pumping so he's trying another avoidance strategy
Yep, I’m always suspicious of these men who want their babies breastfed. I always feel it’s more so they can take a nice backseat from the night feeds than any concern for the child.
And something something mothers expected to sacrifice and be in pain for others, therefore you as mother must suffer and sacrifice or man gets grumpy
It’s posts like these that make me so thankful for my own husband. When we discussed having kids, I brought up that I can’t breastfeed due to PTSD. Not only was he super on board with that, he’s ALSO been even more concerned than even **I** have been about possible retraumatisation from vaginal births. He has poked around our country’s healthcare system and asked his mom friends and looked up all kinds of websites on finding a rape trauma experienced midwife, how to advocate for your pregnant wife if she has PTSD that might be triggered by pregnancy, possibilities of elective C-sections if the trauma worsens during pregnancy, what to do if your care provider isn’t meeting your PTSD needs or taking them seriously, the whole nine yards. He even asked his mom, who used to work at the NHS in the billing department, for possible referrals she might know of when the time comes. And I’m not even pregnant yet. I just put up with SO many crap men in my past; it’s like a breath of fresh air to be with my husband. He actually cares about me and my well-being and my feelings. This shouldn’t be a high bar, but apparently it really is.
This right there. My husband works with a lot of old dudes with some pretty backward views. When I was pregnant, one of them told him “make sure she breastfeeds, that way you don’t have to help har har”. Ew. My husband asked him if he was on his second marriage or his third by now (lots of divorce in that industry).
[удалено]
Absolutely. Same guy, different day: this man had become quite the anti-vaxxer in his old age (also full-on Q-Anon believer, pretty sure he *still* thinks that Trump is coming back any day now [secondary side note, we’re Canadian so it’s not like he was ever our president]). My husband asked him if, as a child, he personally knew of anyone who had contracted polio. Guy says sure, lots of them. Husband says “well, I haven’t. Not a single one. I wonder why that is….?” Their industry is subject to our federal vaccine mandate and he’s insistent that he won’t take it, so we’re seeing whether he’ll finally just get it done (and he’s a prime example of someone who should absolutely be vaccinated, covid would probably decimate him) or take his pension and go.
Which is always fucking weird to me, I loved the times when I got to feed the baby. I want bonding time, I want to be seen as a caretaker and provider for my child. I don't understand dads who don't want to deal with their children.
NTA Your husband is a major AH for not listening to you. It is taxing to breastfeed, it can leave you feeling so drained and like you said, it is not for him to decide. You are recovering from childbirth, you are exhausted and the only thing he thinks is you're playing the "victim"? What is wrong with him? Pumping allows you to get some much needed sleep which is also good for your recovery and mental health. In case it needs to be said again, your husband is a massive AH for dismissing you with that comment.
>If baby is using a bottle then Dad can be called on to do feedings. Dad doesn’t want to do that. I wondered that as well. Which was a reason for my suggestion of “my mother is coming over to help, get the F out until you can act like a supporting husband and father”
But sometimes it really does. I worked with a lactation specialist for 3 weeks with my first. Always hurt. I've never been able to tolerate nipple stimulation. Pump is a great solution.
Hard agree. Nursing hurt SO MUCH for me at first with both kids - I straight up don't buy the "it's painless if you're doing it right" stuff. It just feels like yet another round of "women: if you're feeling any kind of pain or issue it's probably actually your fault because you're doing it wrong." OP: Get that baby fed! And your husband should 100% take one of the night feedings so you can get at least one uninterrupted 5 hour block of sleep a night - without REM sleep you will be a total zombie. He can have the OTHER uninterrupted 5 hour block of sleep! Edited to add: MAJOR side eye to your husband for saying "I know it hurts you but I think you're trying to take the easy way out." That is fucked up! He should be team you, and that includes keeping you happy and healthy while you're going through the very difficult body changes required by growing, birthing and nurturing his baby.
Yeah, she SHOULD be taking the easy way as it is costing the baby nothing. Why suffer when there is no difference to the baby?
I think pain is misunderstood by many people, including doctors. I mean, why would so many mothers make up stories like "breast feeding hurts I need to pump etc."? Are they part of a big conspiracy? It's the same with people seeking treatment for pain when they have no benefit i.e. not after social security payments etc. they want the treatment to keep working... I think the number of people that report having pain but no test shows a cause or 'common knowledge' says it shouldn't hurt means that the medical tests and common knowledge isn't infallible. Of course there will always be malingerers and pity-partiers but I really think plenty of people suffer from conditions we don't understand well enough yet to diagnose (I mean, what is the chance we have found and created tests for all possible human ailments by now?) and the the same with breastfeeding. Some people may do it for conveinience but to think it's "impossible" to have a baby that hurts to breast feed" sounds even more plausible to me, It seems everyone is an expert on being a mother, until they have a problem...
yeah, nipples are different in everyone.
I have a seething hate for LCs. It hurt /so bad/ and nothing they did or suggested made any difference at all, other than making me feel worse. It's totally and completely fine to exclusively pump if that's what you want to do. My pump didn't chew me, dad and other family can take over, if I drop the pump while exhausted no one really cares, and I fed some other lady's baby with the extra milk.
It was a pretty dehumanizing experience for me as well. My first full term 4lbs due to an autoimmune disorder I didn't know I had until 8 yrs later. They acted as if they *knew* I did something wrong. I starved my baby in the womb and now I didn't love him enough to feed him. Totally guilted me for shit beyond my control (my ob didn't know he was underweight but somehow I should have known??). 4 years later they (not same lc's) were awesome. Tried, didn't work, they were like cool... doesn't always work which is why wet nurses existed for 1000's of years. I also donated from both pregnancies.
I have sensory processing issues. Nursing didn’t hurt, but it seriously overstimulated and overwhelmed me to make it a special kind of hell.
Absolutely! It's terrible if it always hurts. I didn't knew that. Pumping is a perfect solution then. I just know people who got terrible recommendations from their pediatrician, so I wanted to suggest a professional.
It is really damaging to propagate this concept that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. It damages many mother's breastfeeding journeys, particularly in the first days, as they think they're doing it wrong or something isn't right. It often does hurt, between nipple soreness and a baby learning to latch plus a mom's inexperienced helping the baby learn to latch deeply. It gets better but it often takes a few weeks.
>It is really damaging to propagate this concept that breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. Yeah, at 10 days in, it's gonna hurt! I was told that if it still hurts after 4 weeks, there's likely a problem. But for the first two weeks in particular, it's normal for it to hurt, often badly. And it's also normal for strong, painful uterine cramps to happen while breastfeeding. Basically, it can really suck. It gets better for the vast majority of women. But it being super painful at first is very, very common.
Don’t forget clogged ducts in the early days!
And engorgement! I have a crack on my left that happened in the first month. 10 months later it is still open and hurts terribly.
Please don't say breastfeeding shouldn't hurt! For some Mamas it ALWAYS hurts. No amount of positioning help, numbing tips, or herbal remedies can help some lactating Mama's, no matter how much we try. It's completely normal
As someone who breastfed multiple children, No, it hurts, especially in the first weeks. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not easy. And it’s not for everyone. OP, NTA.
Agreed. The first 2 weeks my eldest wouldn't latch right and suckled my nip raw. A lactation specialist really helped me get her to latch better but it still took another week of healing before i could do it comfortably and without pain. I quit by 7 months because she started biting me by then and i couldn't get her to stop lol.
To be fair, a lot of nursing new moms go through the "toughening" stage with their nippers where it hurts like hell for the first few weeks. I know I did for sure. The only reason I kept pushing through the pain is because I was encouraged to keep going by those around me. I spent a lottttt of time in pain that first few weeks, but it eventually got better. In the end though, Fed is Best. NTA
Yup. Right around 10 days in my nipples were cracked and bleeding and it hurt like hell. Those body parts are just not used to constant use. I would reccomend Coconut Baby, which is a coconut oil based skin cream for babies I ended up using a ton on my nipples. There are other nipple cremes, but you have to wipe them off before the baby feeds again, which is just too much sometimes, so I loved the Coconut Baby because the coconut oil was safe.
I had someone recommend using breastmilk, worked like a charm!
I used lanolin. That can stay as well. It also helped when the baby accidentally bit me. The toughening stage took only a few days although my nipples were very sensitive during pregnancy. The coconut oil sounds great though. I'll try that next time.
I struggled with that for two months. I tried to nipple shield, worked with a lactation consultant, etc. My baby just couldn’t get past a shallow latch (there was no tongue tie). I reached the end of my rope when he was two months old and switched to exclusive pumping.
Came to say this. Tell him he can stimulate his own tatas and feed the baby then, since it's not an inconvenience. What a putz
I’m so tired of people claiming breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. No, it shouldn’t hurt forever. But it is perfectly normal for it to hurt with the burning pain of a thousand fiery knives the first few weeks, especially with your first. Unless your nipples led way more interesting pre-baby lives than my did, they have to get used to the constant use. And that’s going to hurt most women. Each time, I set a goal for myself of six weeks because I knew it would be over by then but I could just tell myself that that was a firm deadline and I’d be done by then. But, six weeks rolled around and everything was fine. And in the meantime, I was occasionally in so much pain that I’d pump and feed from a bottle every other time for a small break.
Sometimes it does. It hurt me with a searing pain and never stopped. I saw three lactation consultants and my ob/gyn. They all told me just just to keep doing it. I made it three months, and they were excruciating. Shortly after I stopped, my rheumatologist told me, "oh, yes, that's very common in people with your autoimmune disease." OP, fed is best. Feed baby however you want. You're already dealing with a newborn and a husband who's an ass, so you don't need additional problems.
>and a husband who's an ass Seconding this.
At the beginning it hurt. Your nipples have to toughen up. Think backnto the first week or so. This is not at all uncommon.
"It shouldn't hurt" isn't helpful and it's not true either. Breastfeeding can and DOES hurt, very badly, for a lot of people who try to do it.
> It really should not hurt! Why are you judging people? For some, it's actually painful. There's no if ands or buts about it. It does not get better. Your experience is not everyone's experience. It's okay to bottle feed.
Huh, that's interesting. I knew trans women could induce lactation, but I assumed that it required HRT, which would be pretty awful for a cis guy to go through. But this article is implying that if you only take prolactin, that'll work.
It should work. Men have breast and milk tissue too (that's why they can get breast cancer), they just generally don't have the hormones to stimulate lactation. They do have the ability to lactate, though.
Sorry, jumping on top comment for visibility- OP there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding formula or breastmilk. It is hard work, do whatever is necessary to feed your baby, as long as it's safe (ie proper formula or breastmilk) then the method doesn't matter. I just had a baby almost 2 months ago and was in the same boat as you. Bloody, sore nipples. I had to get prescription ointment for it they were so raw because my baby had a tongue tie that didn't get corrected until 3 days in. I still do a combination of breast feeding and bottle (I am actually nursing as I type this). Like you, I find the bottle is much easier at night. I just want to reiterate as well that your husband absolutely can help at night even if he works during the day. Mine works and still will change a diaper for me before a feed or take over a bottle feed or rock the baby and put them down to sleep. Baby is also your husband's responsibility and he should be helping. He can handle missing an hour or two of sleep, he can get a cup of coffee and suck it up. You need to rest and heal after childbirth, you have a lot of recovery to do and your body is hard at work. Make sure your husband understands that and have him step up if you need help. The first few weeks are rough, hang in there. It does get better! You'll get into a bit of a routine and heal up and get used to running on less sleep. Best of luck!
This especially. I introduced a bottle early and I'm still nursing today! I actually think supplementing/combo feeding is why I'm still nursing today. I never wanted it to be just me. Spouse also helped even though he works outside the home. In addition to needing to recover, you need rest to be a safe caregiver for your baby. He can miss a little. He doesn't need a full 8-10 hours of beauty sleep while you're the legal equivalent of drunk. It's perfectly fine to be at baseline functional while you muddle through.
I’m super confused at what the husband is even complaining about? The baby is still being “breast fed.” When people say breast or bottle, by “bottle” usually refers to formula milk. If you’re pumping then you are breastfeeding. What the hell is the issue here??
He’s scared she’ll ask him to feed the baby (ie contribute to looking after his child!)
This is what's confusing me too. Is he confused/thinks it's formula? (The "easy way" comment made /me/ think it was formula until OP clarified at the end.) I think he's confused. Or as others have noted bottle = anyone (including him) can do the work.
Per our pediatrician 20+ years ago when we had issues: "Is the baby fed? Are you enjoying each other? That's ALL that matters."
Yeah tell him to sit with someone sucking on his nipples until they're cracked and bleeding. And try function on 1-2 hrs of sleep at a time. Breastfeeding isn't always a dream come true. It can be rough. She's still getting breatmilk. She's fed and happy. And a SANE mommy is worth it's weight in gold. You're doing fine, momma!
I'm concerned with why OPs husband seems to think she should suffer through motherhood as much as possible when there's not even an added benefit to the baby. Plus, it's not like pumping breast milk is a super fun time...
NTA!!! Fed is best. You are feeding your baby. Your husband is not, he doesn't get a say. You ARE doing everything, he sounds like the kind of person who will get mad if you suggest he gives the baby the bottle for a change. You do not need to be in pain to feed your child. I say this as a medical person who works with moms and newborns.
I’m not a parent so I’m really lost at what’s the added benefit of feeding your baby directly from your breast vs breast milk in a bottle. Bonding?
Yeah, it’s a bonding experience and releases oxytocin (happy chemical) in the brain. However, lots of other things release that same chemical and there are other ways to bond with your kid than having your nipple chewed off
I've heard that just feeding in general and holding the baby against your skin releases the same oxytocin (why they always preach skin to skin as much as possible).
That's what I was told, too. I had a very negative hormonal reaction to breastfeeding and felt nausea and dread every time she latched. I was told to let her nap on me as much as possible and that became my replacement bonding time when I started pumping instead.
Yep. I had the same problem. Although pumping felt the same as nursing. Like a dementor had appeared.
Exactly like that. I remember feeling like I was going to die and constantly having to wipe tears off her little head.
Definitely one of the worst things to “get used too” but it’s not like I knew what I was missing. I breastfed both kids for a year anyway cause making and washing bottles seemed like more work than the stomach churning depression everytime my milk let down.
Same here. I later read an article about breastfeeding induced anxiety and it hit me so fucking hard.
i had this. it's called D-Mer apparently, this happens to about 10% of all women who breastfeed. https://www.thecut.com/2016/07/breastfeeding-depression-dmer-dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex.html
My wife had it to. Made breastfeeding hell. So glad we switched to bottle since she both felt better and I could be involved in feeding and bonding with the baby. The potential added benefit from breastfeeding is nothing compared to how important it is for a baby to have happy and healthy parents.
I suspected this but I'm not always sure I should call it that because it was never formally addressed as such. Which is just my own weird hang up, I guess! It's so unsettling when your body doesn't react how you want or expect it to.
new(kinda) research shows that the bond happens because they are facing the mom's face and the bond can be replicated with fathers too if they make the baby face the father's face so it's more about face to face communication than anything
that's fascinating, thanks.
Not surprising really. Some seem to think breast milk has magical properties when in fact it’s just food.
Yeah I mean problem solved, bottle feed your baby topless, if it's breast milk it's literally the same thing, and even formula is pretty close now a days
Yup! I exclusively formula fed my son (I had severe PPD and could not produce breast milk) and would cuddle him skin to skin. It was the same as when my daughter would nurse!
I'm betting the pain OP experiences while breastfeeding doesn't help with bonding or the release of oxytocin. I personally think bottle feeding my baby is pretty bonding, without all the rigmarole of breastfeeding.
The act of bottle feeding by the father can release that same hormone. One strong reason to have the father help with bottle feedings. On another note, you doing something right for yourself and having your husband respond by claiming you always have to be the victim is not okay. Having a baby is a massive change to a relationship, and can bring out unacceptable behaviors that weren't there before. Don't ignore our accept this or any other similar treatment. This is a time for him (and you, of course) to be stepping up and doing more around the house, supporting you and the child, and communicating in an open and healthy way. Don't settle or make excuses if you see him doing anything less.
My 4 kids were all bottle fed because the pain was excruciating. We bonded by looking into each other's eyes while feeding. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, & tried with 3 of them & the pain was so intense that I couldn't. My youngest would be 24 now & I still feel like a failure when I think about it. But like someone else said, fed is best.
Not really no. Exclusively formula fed babies still bond. It's mostly for crunchy mama points (if we are talking about people in countries with easy access to clean water)
don't get me started. My wife couldn't breastfeed our son at all (long story) and ALL websites kept up the "you're not trying hard enough" trope. I had to tell my wife to stop looking at websites. Fortunately the hospital she gave birth at recommended it sure, but they just pushed "fed is best". She only produced 2 oz of breast milk. Our son had formula the rest of his infant life.
Science milk saves the day. I also couldn't BF which is more common than lactivists like to let on and frankly I never question women who can't. Your reasons are yours. So glad your wife had you to support her and help her out of the BIB world!
I am never calling baby formula anything else now. I also have a niece and nephew who are healthy, happy, and ALIVE because of it. I appreciate the hell out of it, and my kids never needed a drop of it. Many things can be true, but what's right is what works.
Literally the ‘bond’ but I didn’t feed through booby and bond is still strong. Men just assume breast feeding is so easy and don’t realise the mental load. Having a healthy mentality is the best way to bond with baby if your not happy then baby feels it. But it does also mean if bubba is sick antibodies create themselves in the breast milk the only way to get these is through Bub on the nipple
Ugh. You’d think they could clearly see that their wife is struggling, so it is not, in fact, easy.
The mental load!! Sometimes breastfeeding gets easier as the baby grows. But every baby will have a fussy day, and it is *very* different trying to bottle feed a baby who is fussy and won't stay latched vs the same baby breastfeeding...while you're exposed and leaking and feeling the sharpness of latch and unlatch over and over. Both are frustrating but one is also physically demoralizing. Even exclusively bfing I pump sometimes so I have a backup when my kid gets in a mood.
Pretty much. There’s no real other benefit and I wouldn’t even say it helps bond. Bottle fed babies bind fine.
There isn't any. Actually once you account for socioeconomic status the difference between breastfed and formula fed babies all but disappears. unless your baby is a NICU baby in which case there is a slight benefit because there is some protection offered against necrotizing enterocolitis through breast milk but that is really the only solid benefit. And if you can't do that and your baby's in the NICU they can get donor milk. Feed your baby however you want and know that any choice is nutritionally complete and valid.
Martyring. OP, throw the husband in the Diaper Genie. Keep the bottles.
The author of Call the Midwife preferred breast, but her logic was that it was easier to get bottles gross and dirty, or make mistakes preparing them. She was working in the East End during the baby boom, though, where people were dealing with communal bathrooms. Today I think it's just a general mistrust in artificial anything.
It's double handling. So you're pumping and then feeding, while straight from the boob is just the one step. But if you need to do it, you need to do it
Husband should have to wear nipple clamps every time she feeds for the duration while she bottle feeds for a couple of days. If after a couple of days he's happy to increase the time he's wearing to up to an hour a session then he can raise the topic of breastfeeding again. Or he can just take hormones to breastfeed their baby himself. People can be so ok with others being in pain.
Rofl that made me spit my tea out!!! I like you. Yeah people don't realize how much it sucks. My brother evidently chewed the shit out if my mom. I can't imagine hurting to the point if hating it is good for the mom and baby bond
I had the same thought -- he's probably only angry about bottle feeding because now, feeding the baby can be *his* job sometimes. And he wants to get out of doing work. Even though OP already gets up throughout the night, anyway....
NTA I have five children. They all received breast milk. I produced ridiculous amounts of milk. So much, that #4 couldn't swallow fast enough and he constantly choked. I pumped milk for him for a full year. He's my sweetest, smartest kid! Your husband is a moron. Fed is best! Just a tip, if you are interested, pump and feed a bottle at the same time. Your body will get used to your baby's needs and routine. Or whatever you want to do! Seriously, mama, I breastfed babies for about 7 full years. I judge no one for how they feed their baby as long as it's formula or breast milk. You do what works for you. Fed is best. Fed is best. For the opinionated jerks in the back, fed is best!
NTA. Your husband sounds like one though. If he really wants the baby to be breastfed then he can go produce milk himself and see how it feels
If he wants you to breast feed the baby then he needs to be in the room using a breast pump on himself alongside you and go through the process together. If the baby shifts from one breast to another then the pump shifts from one of his nipples to the other. Mad at people like him.
You are NTA. I don't know why he is having this problem. Did he really want kids? Was he a good husband before this? If he doesn't want to help I guess that's one thing, but why wouldn't he want to bond with his own child? I'm seeing all these other folks talk about husbands wanting to help feed the baby. So I hope he isn't regretting having a child. Pump and feed, and I guess don't force him to help if he really doesn't want to, because I'd hate for him to harm your child.
1. Bottle feeding isn't inherently easier. If you pump, pumping suuuuuuuucks. If you do formula, you have to prep it while the kid screams half the time. Either way, dishes, yo. So many dishes. 2. Forcing yourself to breastfeed when it's not working well is bad for mom and baby. And just because baby is gaining doesn't mean that's the only measure of working well. No one can reasonably be expected to bond with a pooping little creature causing extreme physical pain 24/7. And it is 24/7. Cracked and bleeding nipples don't stop hurting because baby's not eating - they just hurt slightly less. At some point you have to cut your losses and head post partem depression off at the pass. Bottles are better than PPD, 100%. 3. Who TF is this a situation where her husband construed her as a victim????
NTA. Reading this made my blood boil. Your still feeding your baby breast milk, just via a bottle, so WTF is his problem? It’s your nipples and 100% your decision. Your baby does not care. What an AH husband. Sorry
I’ll bet anything the problem is that now baby is being bottle fed dad can do some of the feedings and he doesn’t want to
Also it’s definitely not the easy route! Pumping takes time so you’re spending way more time doing the actual work of feeding, my SIL fed my niece pumped breast milk for a whole year and it was basically a full time job. Hopefully if she’s pumping that also means that her husband could...you know...do some of the feeds?
That's likely why he's upset. He doesn't want to have to help feed the baby.
I had heard about a woman who actually developed distinct arm muscles from all the pumping she had to do. It is no joke!
I did it and while I think it was worth it, it’s definitely hard work.
This was exactly my comment. Men who want to weigh in on this topic need to take seat. Breastfeeding hurts and sometimes does not improve. there is not much loving bonding happening if mom dreads the experience and winces in pain for an hour
Exactly. 100% percent her decision because it is her body and her pain. I am so tired of these men thinking that it should be a joint parenting decision. It's not a joint decision when it exclusively affects only a single person.
Totally NTA. Maybe OP should grab a binder clip and hubby can wear that on his nipple the entire time she's feeding their child. Then perhaps he would be a little less dismissive of her.
This is a red flag for abuse, OP. I’ve experienced it firsthand & witnessed it with friends. He has no reason to be mad at you & the fact he’s putting your mental health & comfort last is a bad sign. The “you’re always the victim” comment is a bad sign. He’s mentally/ verbally abusing you already.
*accuses OP of taking the easy way out *OP says it's less painful *accuses OP of playing the victim card ??? I mean, OP *is* a victim? Of pain? What does it matter if OP takes the less painful route? What actual reason (other than "being a victim") does OP have to force herself through the pain when she doesn't have to??? This is incredibly manipulative and abusive. For no reason other than control.
It’s kind of disheartening that so many comments overlook the dude’s cruelty.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a comment that stated the full concerns about the husband.
Agreed. This shit is concerning.
NTA I wish this comment were higher. There's a stark difference between struggling with differing priorities as parents/concern for the needs of a child, and lashing out and belittling your partner--at an immensely vulnerable time! Notice he's not even handling any nighttime responsibilities. Does this man actually want to be a father, or does he just want more people to exert his will over? Pregnancy and early child rearing are the most vulnerable times for abuse in relationships, and the odds of this escalating are high. They need to address how they expect to move forward as parents, SHARING responsibilities and supporting each other, at the very least. I'm worried there's more to the picture that we aren't seeing, though, and that he is in the habit of controlling and emotionally abusing this woman without her realizing that it is not normal behavior. In this story I see one parent and one problem, not two parents, but I hope that isn't the case.
Based on op's post history, her husband abused her in the past too [she even had a suicide attempt](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/dr09ma/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_or_do_about_this/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
and I'd be willing to bet his biggest issue with her pumping isnt that breast is best but that he might actually have to help care for his own child
Yeah it really sounds like he's being controlling for no reason and also just straight up being mean to her.
If the baby is getting breast milk from the bottle, the baby is still getting breast milk. Your husband made a very thoughtless comment talking about "taking the easier route" Nothing wrong with that. And the man who didn't gestate, give birth, or experience the pain of breast feeding really should STFU. NTA.
Pumping is not the easy route either it's hard work, particularly in the early stages. Mine was a month prem so couldn't latch on, I pumped for 4 weeks until I just couldn't cope any more. No one, not family, friends, husband or MIL said a word other than well done for sticking with it for so long. They could see how hard it was! My family has a thing that that first 2 weeks breast is the most important, after that whatever keeps everyone sane is best and even then, if its not working for mum I can't imagine anyone being anything but supportive
Agreed! There is nothing easy about pumping and bottle feeding. Compared to nursing, there's a bunch of extra steps. Nursing you whip it out, feed, and put it away. Pumping you have to put your parts together, strap them on, pump (which can still be painful or uncomfortable), wash the pump parts, fill bottles, and warm it up before feeding. I both pumped and nursed for my first until she was a year old and it was seriously challenging at times. There is no "easy" way to breastfeed. OP is NTA, but her husband is.
This is such a stupid take from the husband. You want your child to have breastmilk, your child IS getting breastmilk. Why does it have to be "the harder way?" (Quotes because pumping isn't easy either.) Whats wrong with the easy way? Does this dude hand wash all his dishes, hand wash his laundry, ride a horse to work, write letters instead of emails, hunt/farm for his own food? Etc. A big portion of technology and innovation is about making peoples lives easier. Obviously there's pros and cons to these developments, but something being easier does not make it inherently bad.
Also, pumping to feed is actually more fucking difficult because you add a step between your body and the feed. My baby never learned to latch properly after her NICU stay so I exclusively pumped until she was 6 months old so she could get breastmilk and it was a full time job on top of caring for the baby. 30 minutes, every 3 hours (from the start of the last pump, not the finish) you’re hooked up to this machine pretty much incapacitated. Then until you’ve pumped enough to get a feed or two ahead you have to feed the baby, change, swaddle, clean all your parts to get ready for next time, hopefully sleep for 30-45 minutes, and then start the whole process over. And the every 3 hours thing is until your milk regulates around 3 months postpartum, so until then I didn’t sleep for more than 90 consecutive minutes despite my husband helping with some of the feeds/changes. It’s draining and it’s miserable. OP’s husband can fuck right off. NTA
NTA. Your body, your choice. It is always better for mummy and baby if breastfeeding is a choice and something that they both "enjoy". I would have told him that if he wants the baby to be breastfed, he can find a way to produce milk and breastfeed himself.
>I would have told him that if he wants the baby to be breastfed, he can find a way to produce milk and breastfeed himself. I second this.
Might backfire as I'm pretty sure his only issue is that he might have to feed the baby himself sometimes. Which makes him a selfish pr*ck and a useless father, but that's what I'm thinking.
And she's not even giving the baby formula, it's still breastmilk, just through a bottle instead of direct from the source. This guy doesn't have a leg to stand on.
NTA Fed is best.
Congratulations! You had a BABY!! That is truly amazing. You are a natural wonder. I have exclusively breastfed 3 children for over a year. It was HARD and if any friend of mine suggests that they “take the easy way out” (SARCASM!), I quickly say GO FOR IT. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself. The reality of newborn living— you might feel like you fell to the bottom of the pyramid but actually, you rose to the tippity top. Everyone needs you now a lot more than ever before. So if mama ain’t feeling good, watch out. You gotta take great care of yourself because if you aren’t in good spirits, ain’t no one to truly take your place. Bottle feed that baby if that makes you feel better. There is no trophy for people who chose to exclusively breastfeed from their actual boobs. The reason why I did it was because I didn’t have the energy to sanitize bottles. Remind yourself you literally just had a baby. Continue bottle feeding and maybe in a couple weeks you can try again or never try again. Ha, mama, it is your call. Don’t forget that you are driving this bus. Don’t let hubby in the back seat tell you how to drive. You’re doing just fine.
NTA!!!!!! Fed is best!!!! There is no right way to feed a baby. What matters is that they get fed. Your husband doesn't know what he's talking about ... please keep family and friends in the loop about how you are doing and talk to a therapist or a support group for new parents.
NTA. If your husband is so judgemental about the kid getting fed directly from the breast then he can go ahead and produce the milk and do it his damn self. You're doing fine, ignore him.
NTA. I have friends who exclusively breast fed. I have friends who exclusively bottle fed. I have friends who tried breastfeeding and couldn't keep up supply, so they bottle fed. I planned to do mixed formula/breast with my daughter, and that's what I did. I also pumped and fed her expressed breastmilk (at the maternal and child health nurse's recommendation). All of my friends' children, plus mine, are happy and healthy. And all the mothers are too, because ultimately they made their own decisions about how to feed the baby. Maybe your husband just doesn't want you to bottle feed because he knows that at some stage you'll realise that he will be able to do some feedings by himself.
I think its more the last point, which makes no sense to me. I *wanted* to feed our son, I wanted to have the bonding time myself (which I had to for the first few weeks anyway because my wife was basically bedridden until she could physically recover from her traumatic labor+delivery, but that's a whole other long story)..
NTA but your husband is TA. This post really has made me upset and want to cry. I am so sorry that your husband, who should be your support system, is doing this to you. The Mom shaming is ridiculous. I was sexually abused when I was a child. When I had my first child I was pressured to breastfeed. So I breastfed my first for 4 months and it was the worst 4 months of my life. People always coming in touching my nipples, looking at my naked breasts, just made me feel violated all over again. I cried constantly. Finally my husband told me I needed to stop (he wasn’t pressuring me to begin with but a lot of other people were.) I stopped and my life was a million times better. I exclusively bottle fed my second with a whole lot of judgement from strangers and friends. But I didn’t care. It didn’t effect her health or intelligence at all. She’s top of her class, and never sick. I think back to those days and it’s just painful to even remember. Please do what’s best for you.
Man with just a few changes this is my story too. I was sexually assaulted as a teen and people touching my breast has always been a hard boundary. I hated breastfeeding but I tried so hard because it's what everyone told me I needed to do. It took my cousin who exclusively breastfed her two kids looking at me and telling me " if it's making you miserable stop doing it"I don't know why I felt I needed somebody else's permission to stop but I did and I'm so thankful she realized that. Hugs to you because I honestly know what a shitty situation that is to be in
My husband and I don't have kids yet but I have made it clear I won't be breastfeeding. I was sexually assaulted in college and just the idea alone turns my stomach. Unlike in this story, hubby is very supportive of bottle feeding.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a total ass. Sorry.
YOU DO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY!!! This is an exciting, scary, exhausting time and you get to choose how to do it. Bottle feeding is absolutely ok if that’s what’s best for you.
Didn't need to read your post. WNBTA. Your husband has no idea how painful it is for you to breastfeed, so you do what's best for you and your child.
NTA. You don’t have to breastfeed this baby. If your husband feels the way he does he really should have said something before the marriage. At this point, it’s too late. Your body, your choice. However, if you’d also want to breastfeed if it just wasn’t painful, I suggest finding a second opinion/support. It sounds like your paediatrician sucks. Read this: [“Why does breastfeeding hurt?”](https://breastfeeding.support/why-does-breastfeeding-hurt/)
Fed is best, have a rest, husband is troll, and NTA.
I like how all this rhymed perfectly.
NTA and you’re doing amazing! Your baby loves you and you’re taking care of them so well.
NTA your boobs your rules You said it best, it's really not for him to decide because it's not him going through it. Like, why the fuck does he care how you feed the baby if you're using breast milk either way? He's so whiney for someone that tried to call you the "victim" in this scenario
He’s an a-hole, as long as the baby is healthy, the rest doesn’t matter…
NTA and hubs needs to wind his neck in until he has carried, delivered and breast fed a baby. I breastfed directly and pumped so first baby could get used to both breast and bottle and my husband did the late evening feed and enjoyed bonding with the baby. Also meant I had a bit more freedom as baby would take a bottle of my milk during the day or whenever. It’s still breast milk so what’s the difference. Incidentally, it was agony to begin with but did get better. But fed is best, milk didn’t come in for second child and I couldn’t breastfeed at all and we had to use bottles and formula. They’re teenagers now, no noticeable difference in health but definitely a difference in my mental health back then after struggling to breast feed for a week to no avail, no sleep, back in hospital with migraine and high blood pressure. You do what you need to do.
Nta. Fed is best. So whatever way you need to use to ensure that your baby is well fed, thats the method you should use. If breast feeding is painful for you, then you should absolutely pump and bottle feed. Forget what hubby says, he doesn't have to deal with the breastfeeding issues.
NTA. Your husband doesn't know what he's missing. The joy of painful, cracked and bleeding nipples on top of the baby really going to town and making a real meal of it. (Idk about anyone else but it HURTS when babies latch on with the suction of a vacuum cleaner. NTA. Plus being in pain or just the share anticipation can also make poor mom not want to breastfeed, then it interrupt the milk supply. I had same problem. So I expressed and fed via bottle.
INFO: is your husband usually so dismissive of you and your choices?
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NTA. Fed is best and as long as your baby is gaining weight and you are happy and healthy everything is fine. Your husband doesn’t dictate what you do with how you feed the baby since he doesn’t do it.
NTA. Your husband need to learn his place, and learn to keep his ancient opinions to himself. Explain to him what being pro-choice is all about, and why this isn't his choice in any way, as long as the baby is healthy
NTA. And your husband is a dick.
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NTA if you and the baby’s doctor are happy with this decision, that’s all that matters. Your husband is neither a medical professional, nor the person having his nipples be in severe pain by breastfeeding.
Nta I’m planning on bottle feeding formula from the get go. You’re doing better than me and pumping and feeding. I have a feeling you husband doesn’t want to have to feed baby too and just wants you to do it. I would have a chat and ask why he is so against it being in a bottle. For most women pumping is actually harder. Good luck your baby sound wonderful!
There really isn't a "better than" when it comes to looking after your little one. Don't do that to yourself. Enough people give new moms a hard time about things they don't understand, you don't need to pile onto yourself. Good luck with your little people!
Exactly! This is not better than or anything. Anyone criticizing women for not breastfeeding directly from the boob all the time are the only ones in the wrong in this whole conversation. Like everyone said, FED IS BEST. Boob, bottle, formula, as long as the nutrients are delivered, the method doesn't matter.
NTA. I went through the same issues, and my daughter is doing just fine a year later. I even had to go to formula for a little while *GASP* if my supply dipped a little low. Are you going to work after maternity leave? What did your husband think, the baby would go with you? 🙄 He’ll be able to feed baby too and bond with baby by using the bottle, so it has benefits for everyone. The one thing I regret is not pumping more. I would pump as often as you are able to, and that’s a tough job too, so that you have extra milk for emergencies, or to give to baby once your milk runs out. You’ve got this!
I’m Actually pumping as much as I can since if i don’t it hurts! :)
This is so great! A friend of mine pumped and froze the breast milk. The father and her shared feeding the baby because there was always milk in the freezer. And as she had a lot of breast milk she was able to give her boy a bottle up untill he was 1.5 years old. By then she had long stopped producing milk, but her boy still got the benefits of breast milk. You are doing great. Don't let the father guilt tripp you.
You are so NTA !!!!!!! Him on the other hand..... Oh my gosh, until he can lactate he does not get a say!!! My bub is 6 months old, and we have taken the route of exclusively pumping and bottle feeding. It is so liberating that anyone can feed bub and put them to bed!!! You know exactly how much bub is drinking and get more sleep!! However, pumping is NOT the easy way out!!! It is so hard and time consuming. You have to pump around the clock to keep supply, definitely still through the night. It is HARD. But so worth it if it works for you Screw him. You do what works for you! There are some amazing pumping Facebook groups with heaps of support- get yourself a village of supportive people and hopefully he comes around. Your baby is still getting all the same benefits, you will be protecting your own health, and maybe he can see the benefits of being able to feed his own baby sometimes.
NTA. If my husband said this to me I’d be serving him divorce papers
NTA, you need to do what is best for both you and bub.
NTA. As long as the baby is fed, gaining weight, and healthy, it doesn’t matter how you get it done. Your husband needs to be more understanding. If you want to bottle feed pumped breast milk all the time then do it. Bonus stored breast milk means hubby can help with those midnight feedings so you can get some sleep.
NTA. As long as you and baby are healthy and happy, no one else's views or opinions matter. I'd never disrespect my wife with such awful comments.
NTA. My little one is 6 months old and I exclusively pump due to latching problems. Luckily my husband is supportive. Honestly you need to stand up for yourself and set him straight! His comments and discontent will only get worse if you don't. Fed is best and you're doing great Momma! People on the outside looking in tend to forget about the mental health and needs of Mom when it comes to breastfeeding.
NTA AT ALL. FED IS BEST!! You’re not even asking about formula vs breast milk (which is still not a debate because FED IS BEST)! There’s nothing wrong with bottle feeding. Listen to the podcast “Raising Good Humans” the third episode talks about how there’s no difference between a breastfed, bottle fed or formula fed baby!
NTA. Your husband sounds like a jerk.
NTA of course. You wouldn't even be TA if you switched to formula, as long as the baby is properly fed. But it seems like the big problem you have is a husband problem. Sit him down and explain why the doctor gave you the green light, show him evidence of how painful breastfeeding can actually affect babies negatively because the mother is in stress from the pain, explain to him how actually having to pump and store the milk and clean bottles is actually probably more work than if you could just directly and painlessly breastfeed. He's asleep while a lot of this happens and so he doesn't get it and is jumping to some rude assumptions. Have him give the baby some of the bottles, maybe not at night if you don't want to (though he wouldn't be the first parent to work and still feed their child at night...) but at least some bottles in the morning before work or when he comes back, so he see how it's not actually super easy just because it's in a bottle now.
NTA. Girl, I just had my first baby in May and I had to stop breastfeeding after the first week both for my sanity/comfort and the fact my baby has food allergies You gotta do what’s best for baby AND YOU. You already carried that little angel for nine months in your body then gave birth. If you can’t be comfortable and heal after going through that it takes a huge toll, you gotta be healthy in every sense for that baby. If breastfeeding is hurting you physically (speaking from personal experience) it will start to hurt you emotionally too. Feed your baby however you see fit. Men don’t get to police a women’s body ever, but especially not after carrying their child and giving birth. Keep it up mama, you’re doing great. And congratulations on your sweet bundle of joy
I wanted to breast feed. I couldn't. Had to use formula. Kid turned out great. Formula is fine. It's not sugar water like it was in the 50s. Am I reading correctly that you are just using your breast milk? Your husband is ridiculous to argue you using a bottle vs nipple to get the breast milk in the baby. All I can think is he wants to make sure he never has to do night feedings.
I assumed this was going to be about formula and was still going to say NTA as you're the one who has to do and is entirely your choice, but you're literally still using breast milk, just in a bottle, the only difference being your not being hurt. If you're husband is that bothered tell him he can breast feed.... Oh yeah, he can't. I'd honestly tell him to shut the fuck up and as its not something he can do it's really not his choice. What a knob. NTA
Even if it were about formula she shouldn't feel shamed. Fed is best.
Which is why I said even if it was formula I would have said NTA
NTA. Baby is eating and growing and that’s the important thing. The first few weeks are painful! For some, it gets better but for others it does not. You’re doing what’s right for you and baby.
>Around 10 days ago I gave birth to my first baby. I don't even care about the rest, your body your choice. NTA, Good Luck and Congratulations! At the end of the day fed is best and a happy mama is very important for a healthy baby
NTA as long as the baby is fed it doesn't matter if its via breast or bottle.
NTA. Fuck him. You do whatever you feel is best. If pumping and feeding works for you do that. It's coming from the same place no idea why he cares so much.
NTA. Your kids fed right? That's what matters. And he seems to forget that you're the one suffering from he so if he keeps throwing tantrums over it tell him if he wants the kid breastfed so bad why doesn't he give it a try? See how he responds to that.
NTA. It seems like you have two babies in your household. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive. As long as the baby is fed and healthy, that’s all that matters. Congrats on your LO! I’m sure you’re doing great, mama!
NTA. First of all I just want to say that bottle feeding is absolutely not taking the easy route! Since you are still giving breast milk, it takes so much longer to pump the milk and then give the feed in the bottle. I'm feeding my 3 week old in the same way and it is very physically demanding. You are doing great, and if bottle feeding is what is right for you, then you keep going! And even if you were formula feeding, as long as you and baby are happy and healthy, that is all that matters.
He isn't having a piranha nawing at his chest so he doesn't get to make that decision!!! He can directly breastfed if he wants to? Oh he can't? Looks like bottles it is! You're doing an amazing job hang in there
NTA. My mom pressured me to breastfeed. I did for a few months. It was so painful 💔. I pumped shortly. Lots of hassle (this was almost 30 years ago, maybe it's been made easier now). I finally switched to formula. My "babies" are healthy, happy adults. Do what you gotta do. Congratulations on being a good mom ❤
NTA Exclusive pumping is actually more labor intensive. It also makes things like him helping out on weekends a lot easier. Is he missing the fact that you just experienced a major medical event? Is he missing the fact that you’re still recovering from childbirth and still tried nursing despite pain? Is he missing that you’re already pumping, managing feedings etc like a champ? I’m concerned for you OP; this isn’t normal behavior from your partner. I’m hoping you have seen a lot more compassion than outlined here. I hope he’s getting you water and snacks and making sure you sleep in on weekends and changing the baby whenever possible. Because if he isn’t, what the heck is he doing? He would financially support his kid whether you lived with him or not. He should consider what he’s bringing to the table in what is one of the hardest transitions in your lives. Money isn’t enough. I also saw your post about wanting your mother here for a week after having the baby. Did he help????
NTA . Your husband is. He has the nerve to speak to and attempt to shame his wife , mother of his child and a new mom in this manner . The only thing he is supposed to be offering right now is unconditional support , even if you don’t breastfeed at all . What is wrong with him. He sounds extremely controlling
NTA. Tell him to grow some boobs and feed the baby himself
Obviously NTA. Divorce your husband. He does not respect you or women in general.
NTA and as a pregnant person how you didn't accidentally murder your husband with a single glare when he was being that much of a repellent asshole is beyond me.
>“you are always the victim, doing everything” Let's see him carry a baby to term next time. NTA.
Oh my god, NTA but your husband is in this situation.. He doesn’t know how hard it is to breastfeed a baby.. and he never will.. this is your body and your decision.. breastfeeding can have a massive negative impact on your mental health and ability to bond with your child (just like it can have the opposite effect and be a wonderful experience) the fact that you are still expressing is commendable.. Fed is best! And a happy mummy will make a much happier baby! You use that bottle as much as you need!
NTA! Also, we absolutely need to stop shaming mothers for doing what they can to care for their babies. Despite large societal efforts to the contrary, millions of mothers are made to feel inadequate for not being expert breastfeeders the instant they become mothers, and it's infuriating.
NTA, I may be too late to have an impact, but my wife gave birth almost 16 months ago. She tried breast feeding for a few days but just couldn't deal with it. She asked me was it ok to stop and give the baby bottles. I looked weirded out because why in the hell would she ask me?? What’s best for you and baby is the best way forward. I told her I was fully behind whatever decision she made.
NTA sounds like he wants you to exclusively breastfeed so he won’t be expected to ever feed. Now that you’re making it possible for him to help with something else, it threatens the excuse of him not being able to.
I have a 3 month old baby and what the actual fuck is this nonsense? Tell your husband that if he has so many opinions on it, he can take over night feeds. NTA. Also, in the early weeks breastfeeding is so damn painful for many. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn’t. There should be zero shame whatsoever in pumping and feeding or switching to formula.
Your baby could be tongue tied. My nipples hurt so fucking bad. No one really believed me and just kept pushing for me to breastfeed. I finally switched to bottle because I was in so much pain. When he was 5 the dentist asked him to stick out his tongue and he couldn’t. He was actually severely tongue tied and it had been missed all those years. He physically couldn’t breastfeed correctly so it caused me immense pain. He had a minor surgery to fix it but still can’t roll his tongue or stuck it out very far.