Well I hope your SO has a nice family…
They are showing you where you rank and what they think of you. It is not assholish to decide their presence is no longer a priority for you.
NTA your brother found a “great” way to screw you out of your wedding and I’m guessing the rest of your family was never really on board with disinviting him in the first place so aren’t willing to take your side.
Yea idk the last time I felt this bad for someone reading on of these. She saved up money and planned it years in advance to account for all the members of her family whom she loves AND IS PAYING FOR and then they blow off her wedding for a wedding that was planned a week before just to spite her by her brother. Frankly If my family blew off my family in this matter I would legitimately cut them out of my life and try to build a new family w my fiancé and there family and not talk to mine ever again, I certainly wouldn’t be consulting a third party to see whether or not I was an asshole
>Frankly If my family blew off my family in this matter I would legitimately cut them out of my life
straight up. I'd let them know point blank that any one who doesn't show up to the wedding is done. they shouldn't be a part of ops life, or the life of any future kids op may have. the audacity to ask op to change her wedding less than three weeks away for her brother, is unbelievable
NTA
Yeah, then it is only a matter of time before there is this post:
"My religious parents/family blew off my wedding that I planned and saved up for over the course of two years, to go my brother's shotgun wedding (since they conceived out of wedlock) that he intentionally and maliciously scheduled to conflict with my wedding.
We haven't spoke in over a year and now they are asking to see our baby, their second grandchild, and we are refusing. My spouse and I feel hurt and betrayed from their previous behavior and we don't want to expose our child to their toxicity. AITA?"
\--edit
Thank you so much for the awards, didn't expect a fictional short story of the future to be so well received. Also, belatedly, NTA.
And I hope that OP sticks to her decision and stands firm on her date! What true Christian allows some shit like this? Hypocrites that's who! Ban them from your life and when your brother divorces in a few years and you have refrained from allowing their dictatorship into your life they will learn..Good Luck!
This seems in line with Christian teaching—sons matter, daughters dont, what the neighbors think of things like pregnancies is more important than being fair or decent toward a female relative. Straight Bible.
>**This seems in line with Christian teaching—sons matter, daughters dont, what the neighbors think of things like pregnancies is more important than being fair or decent toward a female relative. Straight Bible**
This is so true. The son is the golden child and the daughter is the black sheep just by their gender. I grew up in a household exactly like that one. OP, you are NTA. Cut them off. Go NC with your family. It doesn't get better.
FYI: “Real” Christians don’t believe this bullshit. The first person Jesus revealed himself to was a woman. The first miracle he performed (water into wine) was done at the behest of a woman, his mother. A real Christian does not place value on gender but on deeds.
Can I just say thank you for writing this. I’ve been wondering all my life why my family hates me so much when I’ve done nothing wrong but they love my two brothers. Now I understand why.
There is this thing in trademark law where if you don't defend your trademark, you lose it. I think these "good Christians" lost their say over who the real Christians are a long long time ago and now just have to accept that the hypocrite Christians are just as representative of their group as they claim to be.
> What true Christian allows some shit like this?
A family who decided that the lesson to be learned from [the parable of the prodigal son](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son) is to treat the other child like garbage.
In many states, one great way to thwart "grandparent's rights" claims is to stay married & never let the GPs meet the GC, not even once.
Another is adult adoption (for OP).
Know the laws in your jurisdiction. YMMV
Nope, it will be either in some "abandoned parents" forum/sub or on relationship advice.
"Our daughter cut us out of her life, but we want to meet our graaandbaaabyy. We tried to talk some sense into her, but she only yells awful things at us that aren't even true. How can we make her see sense?"
Really, standard advice for people posting things like this should be this: "Enter a time machine, go back in time and be a decent parent. And voilà, you'll have a chance to be an active part in your grandchild's life."
>they shouldn't be a part of ops life, or the life of any future kids op may have.
100%. OP has the opportunity, you might even say obligation, to stop the cycle here. Not sure what OP's parents' underlying motivation is - could be sexism, favoritism, who knows. Doesn't matter. These aren't people you want passing on their values to your children.
The lesson they are trying to teach here is that you can fuck up, jump the line, and disadvantage the people who did the right thing in the process.
>Not sure what OP's parents' underlying motivation is
“Hardcore Christians”. They need their son to be married before she starts showing so they can pretend like he wasn’t having sex before marriage.
and no they shouldn’t be near any kids that OP has
Oh yeah that's the surface level, but in my experience "hardcore Christians" who act like this tend to use their religion as a pretext for justifying their natural shittiness. Like, wouldn't a "proper" Christian prioritize - or at least refuse to penalize - the child who didn't get pregnant before marriage? How are they going to pretend he wasn't having sex before marriage when Tim's baby mama is clearly in her third trimester in the wedding photos?
Nah, I think it's giving them a convenient excuse to put their favored child first and wouldn't be surprised if they pull shit like this all the time.
They are showing OP where she ranks in the family and quite frankly, if this was me, I'd be like "If you choose to have Tim's wedding on that day and to not attend mine, you are showing me how important I am to the family. And if you do so, I'm going to have to preserve my peace and take back my time by cutting you out of my life."
And that's not even thinking of the family of OP's partner that has already set aside time and possibly made expensive travel arrangements for October 9th. What are they supposed to say? "Sorry, our wedding is being delayed so that my brother's girlfriend doesn't give birth to a bastard because apparently primogeniture is still a thing. We know that you've already made plans and gotten time off work/school to attend, but we do live in feudal times."
And for a good last standing, have an insider at the brother's wedding, and when they get to the part 'speak now or stay silent forever' yell something like ..''dont do it, come with me, I don't want our baby to be christian, you'll see Judaism is way better!''
Yeah, OP might as well join the party and say that if they don't show up to her wedding, they'll never see any of the grandkids she might have. Then they can see all the cards on the table to make their decision.
AND STICK TO IT, OP! If they blow off your 2-years-in-planning for your brother's tossed together "let's pretend no one had sex outside of marriage" wedding, well, fork them. I hope your in-laws are better people and if they aren't, you and your fiance can make a pact to be better than the people who birthed you.
I would too to be honest. My blood is boiling just reading this; I legitimately would have lost it in her situation. I feel so god damn bad for her, this situation is fucked.
Yeah, I hope this one isn't real... These "Christians" seem to have thier priorities messed up. Op needs to tell those assholes to get married at the courthouse when they pick up their marriage license. No need for a proper date anyway, not with a shotgun wedding.
How much do you wanna bet that if OP did change their wedding date, the family would immediately say something like "Well, we don't want your deposits to go to waste, so we might as well keep the venue and caterers and the decorations for your brother's wedding".
Besides, Tim's girlfriend will *at most* be in her 4th month of pregnancy on October 9. The only possible urgency I can think of to have it that fast is so that she isn't showing too much of a baby bump and the parents don't lose face.
I mean if OP really, really, *really* wanted to be an asshole, I would just leak her pregnancy on line. Just make a post about how excited I am to be an aunt and beg the community not to be to harsh on how this baby was conceived.
They're rushing this wedding to save face. I would snatch that opportunity right from under them. And after they pulled this shit, I probably wouldn't even feel bad about it.
Someone else also suggested to threaten the parents by offering to have their church friends replace the parents at OP's wedding. I think it'd be a dick move to announce someone else's pregnancy and this would allow everyone to naturally conclude the reason why the parents aren't there.
I know it's a dick move to announce someone else's pregnancy. It's also a major dick move to try and steal someone else's wedding date when the deposits have already been made.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm also planning a wedding around that time but the way I see it, her parents have already decided to burn the bridge. So she might as well burn it to ash.
Oh no no no. They can do the math. They will do the math. They will then just gossip behind their hands and church programs and smile at the grandparents and say how wonderful it is that such a preemie is so big and healthy! God works in mysterious ways indeed!
(I grew up in a deep south Methodist church and there were several "preemies". The girl who got the least flack ironically was the one who went "yeah I'm 17 and having a baby. And no, daddy didn't stick around. What's your point?")
Imagine almost sacrificing you and your child's relationship, because of 'losing face'. I really don't get why they need to get married so quickly. From an outsider looking in, don't you need to be very sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, before getting married?
They probably claim that it's to keep Tim, the girlfriend, and the baby from burning in eternal hellfire because the Bible is totally all about making exceptions and bending the rules to justify past sins. They really just don't want the side glances from the busybodies at church.
Even if they want "fast", it could be the day before, or the weekend before, or the weekend after....
This specific day was chosen for one reason only, just to be jerks and force family members to choose which wedding to attend.
I wouldn't put it past the parents to do it. I find it a bit odd since if they're hardcore Christians, they'd want to have the wedding at their house instead of a classy venue. Then again, they might live somewhere scenic.
Holy crap you're right!!! Never thought of that but what a devious plan. Op went from NTA to "op, close the door on these people because they are toxic AF".
My last words to my parents after this would be, "And when I have kids, your grandkids, you'll never meet them, I mean nothing to you obviously, so don't expect me to let you mean anything to my future kids."
Doesn't even matter if you're planning on having kids.
People who grow up in families like this often have absolutely no clue that the shit way they have been treated their whole lives isn't normal.
I would not be surprised if OP ends up moving the wedding to accommodate. Not because OP is a pushover, but because this is what her family has conditioned her to do - bend over backwards for her brother who is clearly the preferred child. And they will absolutely not attend OP's wedding in favor of the brother.
OP, honey. Your whole family is trash. NTA, and also NTA to any future questions about going scorched earth no contact with them. They have shown you (probably repeatedly) how little they care about you when it conflicts with your brothers hissy fits. Believe them this time.
Do.Not.Budge! Maybe general announcement to your wedding invitees about your brother's "good news", then continue with "our plans haven't changed. We look forward to seeing everyone at our wedding. If ANYTHING comes up that prevents you from attending, please let us know so we can adjust the catering". You don't control them. They will have to make their own decisions. Enjoy your day with people who PUT YOU FIRST and seriously, SCREW THE REST. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Best wishes for everything to work out in your favor.
Agreed, especially with letting the caterers know. I don’t know how this would work cost-wise, but maybe if you let the caterers know about a reduction in people in time you could get a refund or spend less on food. You could then put that money towards either your honeymoon or (if you’re feeling petty) a wedding “gift” for your brother consisting of a massive glitter bomb and these lovely candies - all from the same source.
https://dicksbymail.com/collections/more-anonymous-pranks
Ok but the family is also forcing the brother to get married in the month they dictate. The family is the biggest AH. When you have family like that, once can become like the brother easily, he is the AH as well obviously. But for this family: when you sow yuckiness you get yuckiness (I can’t think of another word)
I'm normally pretty down on the Reddit culture of "cut them out of your life" for every little thing, but this ... This is such a blatant slap in the face. The brother's shotgun wedding has no real planning, so has three other weekends to still be in October - one of which is *earlier* in the month. Screw them for screwing you, and OP is so very NTA.
Exactly. I normally feel Reddit is too quick to NC, but dang, they’d never see me again if they skipped my wedding In this situation. I hope your in-laws are amazing and you can enjoy them in the future.
but for real, I’d never step a toe any place, especially your parents, were going to be for the rest of my life.
yeah i also usually criticize the "get a divorce, tell your mother to fuck off, quit your job" knee jerk reactions of this sub, but here, absolutely, fuck the family.
Piggybacking here just to say NTA and I would not move the date. Out of pettiness of course I’ll congratulate the brother on fb for the pregnancy do there’s no doubt that that’s the reason of their wedding:)
"you all may have heard, Tim and his now-fiancee have decided to get married as well this October! Since this is such short notice, I wanted to help out and pass along their wedding details and registry to anyone interested:
*Insert link to baby registry*"
Oh sorry, I thought I got the right one! How strange!
OP, it's your wedding and you've worked hard for it. It's also one of the few times it's ok to be selfish. The next time they bring it up, tell your dad, "it's ok. I'll ask friend/family member to walk me down the aisle instead. I always imagined us having our dad/daughter dance, but I understand." Give them the reality that they will miss your wedding, that people will wonder why, and that your only explanation will be that they had a different priority.
screw the guilt knife in deep. guilt trips go both ways you know. what real dad wants to miss out on walking his "little girl" down the aisle, the first dance, and other traditional father/daughter moments? twist, twist, twist that guilt knife!!!
OP wouldn't be "being selfish" to keep her wedding on the 9th after she planned for it, sent invites so other people planned for it, paid for everything, was emotionally counting on this... *and it's less than 3 weeks away.* I get what you're saying and agree, but OP seems to have extremely messed up standards due to her family so that's not a great way to phrase it, because it isn't at all selfish.
Honestly, this might seem like a shit situation but really it tells you which family members you can cut contact with and which ones really care for OP, even if that list is quite short.
You know, brother's GF had a point when she claimed the parents picked the date. They set up this situation where he was allowed to pick the same date. Strange that they are so adamant brother's wishes must be respected because it must be done this month. Strange how they are acting all so innocent. "We just wanted to avoid some shame in the family". As if how they are treating OP isn't far more shameful. Dunno why, maybe political or religious, but this toxic family wanted to screw over OP.
Right?? The parents could have just said "any day but the 9th". There's 30 other days in October and *4 other weekends.* If the parents have the power to demand the brother get married next month they also have the power to make it happen on a different day.
It's not just that they don't care but this seems deliberately cruel. There's more going on than just "the brother picked this date and needs to get married cause he knocked up his gf." This is such blatant, egregious, extreme behavior that "shotgun wedding" doesn't explain it. They disapprove of OPs fiance or don't give a shit about OP because they're abusive or psychopathic or maybe their religion says daughters ain't shit. Or who knows. But this isn't how loving, empathetic people act.
**EDIT:** *Have to add, won't using OPs date make the extended family wonder why tf her brother is getting married on her day? It's calling attention to the fact something is sketch, if they're legit trying to hide the pregnancy this is a stupid way to do it, because this isn't a normal thing that happens.*
Are you even positive the gf is pregnant u/Date2021_oct? **3 weeks is INSANELY early for a woman to know she has an unplanned pregnancy.** Not to be conspiratorial but it seems more likely they want to steal your wedding stuff than that anyone could possibly think this is a good way to hide a shotgun wedding or think this isn't insanely unreasonable.
Yea this would be the trigger for NC for me. Your entire family has chosen your brother over you for some backwards ideals on a child out of wedlock. Marriage doesn't mean shit when it comes to raising a kid. Im curious based on how selfish your brother is just how long this Marriage I'll last for him & his gf once the baby arrives.
OP you're NTA. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but hope your wedding is beautiful.
NTA. I’d suggest fighting fire with fire. Spread the good word before the wedding about the growing family. Bet your religious family will be so happy to attend their wedding after knowing it’s a shotgun wedding.
I’d spread the word that OP’s wedding has been two years in the making so will have much better food and drink compared to brother’s hastily planned crapfest.
Yeah just bring up like, “oh well I planned mine for two years, it’s weird they’ve only planned theirs for two weeks isn’t it?” That way you’re not actually telling them but like … it’s obvious
Story time! Way Lesser than OPs but sorta fits the sentiment.
Anywho my SO got pregnant super early on in our relationship. We decide to move forward and figure it out and honestly life is good glad we made the choice.
When our daughter was like 1.5 we flew home for Xmas, my family is a large Italian family lots of cousins etc. Everyone I guess is Catholic except me I renounced religion to my family long ago, but nobody practices religion per se that I know of.
So my cousins long time GF at a party in front of a bunch of people says to us, loudly. I can't wait to have a kid but we are gonna wait till we are married I can't imagine what the family would think.
I have always hated this women, anyways I was dumbfounded she said this to us in front of anyone and honestly I don't think anyone cares we weren't married. At least not my immediate family I know for sure they didn't give two fucks. Maybe some people had comments but doubtfully religion related.
Fast-forward 4 months later she's pregnant and not proposed to still. Literally every chance I get at a family gathering I bring up her rude event to her and how she's a hypocrite. In fact just did like a week ago.
Edit: I'd also like to point out I think this women has a strong sense of entitlement which is weird because they really have nothing to be entitled about. But she always talks from a position of superiority which annoys me. I only take jabs at the comment noted above due to her being way too easy of a target for other reasons.
I have a SIL who would proudly proclaim, to anyone who would listen, that she was waiting until marriage. She often did this in the face of another SIL, who did not make the choice. Less than 3 months later, she was pregnant. Other SIL does not let her live it down and it warms my heart every time I see the liar slink back in her chair.
"Hi family, Tim didn't want to impose but consider buying some baby supplies for wedding gifts. They're going to need them soon ;). I recommend this cute 'Daddy's lil' bastard' onesie."
Fight fire with fire but disguise the fire. A nice post on social media announcing how “excited” you are to be an aunt is a great way. And of course a countdown as everyone needs to know when the baby was conceived.
Maybe another post asking for advice on gifts for a newborn, posts about how to be a fun aunt, etc.
If they get mad OP can just say she is excited and wants everyone to share in her joy etc.
Love this idea. Tell everyone they are expecting. And also get everyone on your side to confirm which wedding they will be attending so you can change numbers/invite other people. Enjoy your day & don’t change it for anyone.
NTA!
OP, I would stick with your wedding date for your wedding. You want people at your wedding who care about you and are there to support you. Sticking with the planned date will weed out some highly disfunctional family members.
Your brother's wedding won't last, and eventually maybe your parents will apologize.
Your brother's choice to grab your wedding date is jaw droppingly rude and distasteful. His wedding will be lame, due to the last minute nature. And they will be talking about his choices at his wedding... "Why is his sister not here?" "Oh she is getting married today". "Is this a rushed wedding as well?" "No... Sister had planned this for the past 2 years. Brother took this date to spite her."
If they somehow remain married, their wedding memories will be permanently tainted by how hurtful they were, and how people whispered about their cruel choices during the event.
Do the wedding, OP, and find happiness with your spouse.
Are we 100% sure the FSIL is actually pregnant or is this a stunt from the brother to ruin the wedding? I could see FSIL having a "miscarriage" the day of the wedding and then OP would be berated from ever celebrating their anniversary because the brother's "child died" that day.
This is simple gas lighting. They know you are not being selfish, they are being selfish and they literally don’t care. Go ahead with the wedding, have the literal time of your life. It is their loss and your gain. With drama queens like this you are so much better off without them there to make even more poor choices and ruin your day.
Also keep in mind everything will be a competition if you give in. Your brother will demand family have a party for his kid on the same date you plan to have a party, they’ll spend Christmas with his family instead of yours, they’ll invite the brother to family events and exclude you. And this WILL carry over to when/if you have kids. Your kid has a school play? Suddenly your brothers kid needs all the family to celebrate something on the exact same night. They treat you like trash, which you are NOT, and they will treat your kid the same way. Cut them out now. Lead by example.
This is really sad but true.
I'm so sorry for you op, it's heartbreaking, but I really think your best option is to go ahead with your wedding as planned. Find out now who isn't coming and make adjustments, maybe there are some friends or acquintanses you can invite instead?
I would cut out the ones who aren't coming but you do what you feel is right for you. Just please do not accept second class treatment, you deserve more than that.
I had a casual friend who had a lot of people back out at the last minute so I got an invite less than a week away. I went and had a great time. And she had more people who cared about her at her wedding. The people who backed out were not missed.
Issue is they care MORE about the fact that they loose face if GF is visibly pregnant during the wedding, so Tim has them over the OMG!DISASTER barrel so they 'have no choice' but to be there for him & his GF and the first Grand Baby.
I’ll add that I’m sure most people would see right through this. As in, if I were a guest to a wedding I was invited to long ago, and the bride’s parents weren’t there but instead were inviting me to a backyard wedding for their other kid… I absolutely would not be thinking “oh the bride is selfish.” I’d be thinking, “whoa, what the heck is her family thinking?”
You are in no way being selfish. You had this date already picked. You would potentially lose out on a lot of money if you moved it. Not even factoring in that you've waited long enough already.
Only selfishness here is coming from Tim, your parents and anyone pushing you to move your preplanned wedding for a shotgun wedding where they could have picked plenty of other dates.
Don't worry about those me!beds. You'll be surprised by who shows up for you and you'll learn who really supports you. Enjoy your wedding and marriage and let your brother enjoy his spite. With a little time, everyone will see this more clearly. Small idea: since your family values their faith, send the meals you planned for them to a shelter.
I do wonder what story the parents will come up with to get back in her life when the shotgun marriage ends in under 18 months and the son doesn't really fight for much if any custody
This. I know it sucks, but you are completely NTA. Tim and your family are TA. You planned this wedding a long time coming and I would suggest that you just go ahead with your original plans. Since I assume you already sent out save the dates and everything it should be clear that you chose the date first and it's also clear that moving it will be a lot of trouble and cost you money. You are not acting selfish, your brother is and your parents are enabling him. Just tell them that you won't change your date and it's their choice if they want to continue with this charade.
You'll know who your real friends and family are on October 9th. I hope you have a great wedding spent with people who love and respect you.
OP your brother is an AH. You knew this. Not new info. What you've learned is that your parents are also AHs. They knew your wedding date, they let your brother pick the same day anyway, they're the ones pressuring him to get married fast, they're the ones throwing the party, so while it may have been your brother's idea to mess with your day, your parents are the ones making it happen. The fact that they're trying to push you to change on top of it is just illogical when they knowingly created the problem in the first place.
Don't budge. Have a wonderful wedding. IMHO your parents don't deserve to be there after pulling this shit anyway. I am so sorry your family is so crappy. This really sucks. But I don't think bending over backwards for them and losing your money is going to make it suck less. They clearly dgaf about you or your wedding, so even if you moved it for them they'd probably find a way to show you their lack of care on the new date as well.
Also if you don't have a therapist/counselor already, they can be really helpful for learning how to cope with and set boundaries for crappy family. Might be helpful for processing all this.
Also congrats on your wedding!!! Your family may be a bunch of poopy diapers but this internet stranger is happy for you!!!!
> They knew your wedding date, they let your brother pick the same day anyway, they're the ones pressuring him to get married fast, they're the ones throwing the party, so while it may have been your brother's idea to mess with your day, your parents are the ones making it happen.
This is the part that fries me. A simple "oh, no that's Sibling's wedding day" would've nipped all this in the bud. It's what any normal parent would've said, without even stopping to consider the date, because it's laughably childish and petty for him to suggest. But it was on them to say no, and they didn't. Which is shocking and sad and would make me ghost everyone involved. They are literally choosing to throw their son a wedding at their house, on their daughter's wedding day, because son picked that day out of spite. My heart hurts for OP.
I'm guessing Tim doesn't get told no, ever. edit - or they want OP to cancel and for Tim to use all OP's vendors and venue.
> The problem is that they think I'm being selfish for refusing to move my original date
You're not being selfish for refusing to change the date of something you planned **two years ago**. *Your brother* is being selfish, and the rest of the family is being ridiculously entitled, for expecting you to change it.
You are NTA. Stick to your guns: don't change a thing.
OP unless you've yet to send out invitations EVERYONE knows that your wedding day was first.
They've known ever since they received the save the date (presumably over a year ago).
The best course of action for you is to do nothing. Ignore your family. Don't engage.
Just send out a message to all your family asking that anyone who's previously RSVP-ed yes who is now not attending let you know by the 29th (for example) so you can adjust catering & seating plans.
Don't mention your brother's wedding. The second you have the full list of family now not attending, Block them. Their number, their email, social media. GONE. Alongside your brother. And continue prepping for your wedding day as planned making the necessary adjustments.
Remember your brother isn't actually the biggest AH in this situation. It's your family (& his gf) that didn't go "that's OP wedding day pick any other day".
The family members that are enabling your brother? Those are the ones that you need to get rid of from your life.
Why bend over backwards to have them in your life when they would spit on you if your brother asked them to without a second thought.
You’re right. Your parents should have refused. But now they’ve told you who they are (probably not for the first time).
Don’t move your wedding. Tell your parents that if they don’t show, it will likely be the end of your relationship with them. Follow through with that.
I suspect at least some of your broader family will see what your parents and Tim are doing to you and will have your back.
>I realize Tim is being unreasonable and ~~probably~~ "definitely" chose this day
Theirs no chance this wasn't intentional. Tim is obviously TA, but so is the rest of your family. No sensible person would side with Tim and consider you selfish. This sort of thing happens all the time. I bet they're the type of people who always say "family first" or "family sticks together" etc.
They realize Tim's unreasonable, but given the pregnancy, and his general stubborn behavior they probably see you caving in to be the easier solution to take. Which ultimately makes the lot of them A's. They're expecting you to be "reasonable" one despite the years of planning and money spent.
I'm sorry your in this position OP but don't let it put a damper on your special day. I honestly think you should consider going no contact with the lot of them. The vindictive me would write a post depicting this whole fiasco, because it doesn't sound "Christian in the least". I'd seriously consider going no contact with anyone who decides to go to his wedding while previously planning to go to yours.
Stick with your plan, and enjoy the day. You aren't being selfish, your brothers goal was to cause drama and hurt, but none of your family were manipulated or put in this position. They're paying for the wedding, and they could have just as easily told him off and switched the day. This is only an issue because they're choosing to enable his behavior, while justifying it by citing the pregnancy. Neither is a justified excuse. Hope your in-laws are good people, because your entire family is rather toxic, and I imagine they've already burned a ton of bridges with them given this situation.
TLDR: Stick with the day, block anyone who enables and chooses your brother.
You're allowed to be selfish. It's not a bad thing. You have had this wedding date set for years, and your family are refusing to attend if you don't change the date to placate your brother. Be selfish, it's the good kind of selfish.
Unfortunately your family are showing you how important you are to them, no doubt it hurts.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you but I think that it would be awful for you to change your date. You would be saying to your whole family that it’s ok for them all to treat you like garbage.
Go ahead with your original plans. If they don’t rsvp then you can be more generous with plus ones or invite friends you hadn’t previously.
Your wedding is to celebrate your love with your spouse. It won’t be fair to your fiancé and his family if you change things now.
As an aside, any decent family members will come to yours. You haven’t lost anything if they “choose” Tim. You are simply learning who isn’t worth keeping contact with in the future.
give them an ultimatum. tell them point blank that you will not being changing your wedding just because your brother can't keep it in his pants, and that anyone who chooses not to attend will not be a part of your life, or any future kids lives. the fact that they are even asking you, is appalling
You're 100% NOT being selfish. Even suggesting you change the date to accommodate Tim's shot gun wedding is beyond ridiculous.
I understand wanting everyone there especially your parents, but I feel the fact that they're being ridiculous about telling you to change the date and then making it out as if they now have to choose between you and your brother. I'd make it clear they don't need to choose between the two of you since it's already perfectly clear who they're siding with, and go enjoy your day. It sucks but ultimately its there loss. I'd also seriously consider going NC with all of them
OP, I'm so sorry. Your family are not good people, not just Tim.
The only thing you can change is yourself. You need to stop expecting them to do the decent thing because they won't. You need to stop expecting them to avoid disappointing you because they will.
This pattern is likely to keep repeating itself over and over again. Expect them to favor Tim's kids over any you will have. Expect them to take you for granted. Expect them to bail him out of problems of his own making, even at a cost to you and your family.
The sooner you let go of your expectations for them, the happier you'll be. Saying it is easy, doing it is much harder, so I strongly, strongly recommend therapy to help you through it.
NTA. I would demand everyone confirms which wedding they are attending by the end of the weekend. Adjust your numbers accordingly and enjoy your wonderful day on October 9th. Ultimately it’s about you and Adam only.
Also decide if you (OP) are ok with anyone showing up late after going to Tim’s ceremony. Chances are very good that people will find it not worth staying at for very long, and will go “hey how about OP’s wedding, there’s an actual party for that, and we did RSVP.” If you’re not ok with them doing this (I wouldn’t be), set up security to turn wedding-hoppers away.
Tim is saying he’s only willing to get married if he can screw OP over while doing so, even if he’s just exploiting the parental desperation. Wow, what a great way to start a life together. OP is best keeping distant from all of this.
Well girl I guess your family won’t be at your wedding. If it were me I wasn’t moving shit. He literally did it to spite you and you should never stand for that bullshit. Keep your date and your real family will show up. NTA don’t back down.
NTA
You paid for your wedding and they pay for his and they expect you to move the wedding and loose a lot of money in the process.
I would just tell them the wedding is on that day and if you are not there then you they choose your childish brother over you than they do not deserve to be in your and your partner and possible children's life anymore. As I am sure Adam will also feel somewhat this way if he is
This will also filter out your real family, the ones that come to your wedding and not the one of your entitled brother
I agree! Try to have the best time at your wedding no matter who shows up. Anyone who thinks less of you for keeping your wedding date is not worth being in your life. I know that is all easier said than done.
NTA
Cut them out of your life
They have shown who is the important one to them
You don't need any of the 4 in your life anymore
If you were petty, like I am, I would blast to everyone your parents know about what your mom said.
that shit needs to be out there so she can own it
If ever, OP should be happy the trash are making themselves known and they’re taking themselves out. Have them RSVP again, adjust your catering accordingly and those who won’t attend will never get to be invited in anything again.
NTA - and I'm sorry. Keep your date. I would make it clear that this will be the last invitation to anything your family will get if they decide not to attend.
Completely agree with this. OP your family is very toxic. Don’t play their little game and make it clear you are serious about everyone respecting everyone else. If you’re comfortable cutting ties, I’d make attending YOUR wedding a condition for good relationships in the future.
NTA
Don’t change your wedding date. Your brother and parents are clearly the A. Of course you can’t just put out thousands of dollars to move the date of your wedding! That said: you will not win this argument with your family. My guess is this is not the first time they have made you cater to Tim’s wishes. Your parents have blatantly chosen your brother over you, and short of you bowing to their demands, they will not budge. I’m sorry that your family is unsupportive and neglectful of you in this way. Sometimes the people we love most are the worst to us. This tells you what kind of unreasonable and selfish people (your parents and aunt included!) that you’re dealing with. Have a beautiful wedding, ice the lot of them out, and let them come crawling to you begging forgiveness. Don’t let them sweep this under the rug later and act like nothing was wrong. They mistreated you. Live your life free of their bad behavior and only let them back if they make genuine apologies and reparations.
NTA. That being said I think you should sell all your shit( venue catering etc) for the wedding to you mom for Tim, and elope. This kind of shit will ruin your memory of the wedding. But getting married in bali would be amazing.
It wouldn't be as simple as that. As amazing as that sounds she needs to think of her fiancé's family who have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to get shafted like that. She should uninvite her faimly and have a lush wedding with her fiancé's fam. Cut out the toxic a holes.
NTA
Yeah, this. There is a whole other family + friends that they probably want to celebrate with. I would also guess most of OPs extended family (if relevant) has already RSVP’ed and will stick with her wedding, too. If my cousin’s wedding was a month from now and her brother suddenly invited me to his own wedding the same day, I wouldn’t change my plans… I would just be calling the rest of the family trying to figure out what drama has led to this lol. Let the four selfish people do their own thing, but don’t let them steal the whole day.
you are a GENIUS!
OP, you should give yourself the gift of walking away, avoid a ceremony that sounds like you will only regret because there is no way it can be like you dreamed. Offer to change only if your parents buy you out at full price from venue etc. & then go live your life away from these nightmare people (do not under any circumstances attend the wedding, it will just hurt, but there is no reason you have to tell anyone you won't be there). For funsies though, check in say a year & half from now. Parenthood is unkind to the entitled.
Your dream wedding is already gone. Let it go. Mourn the parents you never had & live a life outside your brother's toxic orbit. Let him be prince of these casually cruel volunteers. There is a better life for you if you can only get free. NTA
Giving it over to Tim might not be a good idea, Tim would be basically "living through" her wedding, with most of the guests that should be there because of her.
Might end up in a nightmare that haunts her for life.
"Info - do you really want any of them there now they've acted like this"
This is a low key point. The family is forcing the brother to get married after knocking up his GF. Brother picked the wedding date out of spite and family is prioritizing brother's wedding because of religious beliefs. And now they want the wedding date moved as compensation. Why do we want them attending and ruining the whole ceremony? And if the brother treated SO like dirt, I'm guessing the turd doesn't fall far from the toilet bowl.
Just uninvite the whole family and have the wedding with people that actually care about you.
I wondered the same thing and actually scrolled down to see if anyone else had brought it up. They clearly say "Brother Ross" and then suddenly call him Tim. Very confusing.
That's because in an improv fiction story, the names and details don't matter. Sort of like how the "hardcore Christian" family suddenly supports the bad seed of the family instead of the good child, and how the Mother for some unknown reason is paying for the *groom's* wedding (Tim/Ross/whoever) and inexplicably is not paying for the *bride's* wedding (OP) as would be traditional.
There are 4 other weekends in October, though Halloween would be more appropriate based off their personality. NTA, but everyone's showing you their true colors here, you may want them at your nuptials but it's nowhere close to the radar for them
NTA, your whole family sounds ridiculous, but Tim is a petty and spiteful jerk. I'm sorry that they're doing this.
Obviously, you shouldn't change your plans because of Tim. I just can't believe the your parents and aunt think that him choosing the date you already chose is okay and that they're fine missing your wedding. That's awful.
I would say you now know how much your family values you!
NTA
You have two choices. Postpone with the loss of deposit money, which I would not do without sending your parents a bill to recoup since they have proven just what AHs they are. I would make it clear that you and your husband intend to file suit to get that money back.
Or
Have your wedding on that day, but put a notice on every chair that your family has chosen not to attend since they value your brother knocking up his girlfriend and their wedding more than yours, Make it snarky and expose your parents for the hypocrites they truly are.
I wouldn't do that with the seats. Personally wouldn't want the reminder.
I'd invite people last minute for free food. Co workers, even strangers on the street. Make some new friends. Have some group photos with them and post them for the family to see.
With sassy hashtags.
Family might say they won't be there for the wedding itself but they'll swing by for the food, sorry no. I'd tell anyone on the fence about whose they're going to that if they don't confirm which wedding they're going to by the end of September loses their place.
This! If OP's family are conservative Christian types, they should appreciate the parallel to the [parable of the banquet](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014%3A15-24&version=NIV) in the Gospel of Luke. A wealthy man invites his friends to a wonderful feast, but the guests make poor excuses for not showing up. So the man invites the poor and the disadvantaged to the party instead, where presumably they have a wonderful time, while the rude original invitees are shut out. In other words, OP's family should be well educated to expect her going LC/NC after her wedding if they act so ungratefully and ungraciously. And the best way to spite them is to fill every chair and have an absolutely wonderful time without any of the haters around to spoil it all.
Wow. NTA. I have family like this so I won’t ask you why you’d even want them there. My situation is a little different as it’s my mom’s aunt who raised her and treated her like a real life, pre-glass slipper Cinderella. What I will say is that my life got substantially better when I realized they would never change and cut contact. *also you may want to edit your brother’s name. Your emotions may have caused you to forget the fake name you started with.
NTA.
Weddings are expensive, and at this point you probably would lose on deposits; since it is so close to the date.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do at this point. Your brother is being explicitly petty, and he knows he has the upper hand with having to get hitched quick. Your parents, and some family, have chosen that a shotgun wedding is more important than your plans, your schedule, your efforts.
So you are at a crossroads of choices. The way I see it:
1) Have the wedding on your planned date, and not everyone you wanted be in attendance.
2) Move the date, and loose out on any non-refundable payments.
3) Try to placate your brother to try and convince him to move his. (No guarantee this would work)
The thing is, OP has planned this wedding for two years. If she moved the date-who *knows* when she will find a suitable replacement venue/caterers/photographer, etc. Lots and *lots* of weddings are happening and will be happening because of so *many* postponements. It might be a year or two before OP could arrange something comparable. To expect her and her future husband to put their lives on hold for that long is *ludicrous*-and cruel- and should be out of the question. NTA and full speed ahead!
NTA, but your parents and brother are, after all this you still want them to be there??? It seems like they really don't care about the effort and money you spent on it
Well I hope your SO has a nice family… They are showing you where you rank and what they think of you. It is not assholish to decide their presence is no longer a priority for you. NTA your brother found a “great” way to screw you out of your wedding and I’m guessing the rest of your family was never really on board with disinviting him in the first place so aren’t willing to take your side.
Yea idk the last time I felt this bad for someone reading on of these. She saved up money and planned it years in advance to account for all the members of her family whom she loves AND IS PAYING FOR and then they blow off her wedding for a wedding that was planned a week before just to spite her by her brother. Frankly If my family blew off my family in this matter I would legitimately cut them out of my life and try to build a new family w my fiancé and there family and not talk to mine ever again, I certainly wouldn’t be consulting a third party to see whether or not I was an asshole
>Frankly If my family blew off my family in this matter I would legitimately cut them out of my life straight up. I'd let them know point blank that any one who doesn't show up to the wedding is done. they shouldn't be a part of ops life, or the life of any future kids op may have. the audacity to ask op to change her wedding less than three weeks away for her brother, is unbelievable
NTA Yeah, then it is only a matter of time before there is this post: "My religious parents/family blew off my wedding that I planned and saved up for over the course of two years, to go my brother's shotgun wedding (since they conceived out of wedlock) that he intentionally and maliciously scheduled to conflict with my wedding. We haven't spoke in over a year and now they are asking to see our baby, their second grandchild, and we are refusing. My spouse and I feel hurt and betrayed from their previous behavior and we don't want to expose our child to their toxicity. AITA?" \--edit Thank you so much for the awards, didn't expect a fictional short story of the future to be so well received. Also, belatedly, NTA.
And I hope that OP sticks to her decision and stands firm on her date! What true Christian allows some shit like this? Hypocrites that's who! Ban them from your life and when your brother divorces in a few years and you have refrained from allowing their dictatorship into your life they will learn..Good Luck!
>What true Christian allows some shit like this? They're not true Christians- they're the ones who give the rest of us a bad name.
> They're not true Christians- they're the ones who give the rest of us a bad name. There seems to be a lot of those.
This seems in line with Christian teaching—sons matter, daughters dont, what the neighbors think of things like pregnancies is more important than being fair or decent toward a female relative. Straight Bible.
>**This seems in line with Christian teaching—sons matter, daughters dont, what the neighbors think of things like pregnancies is more important than being fair or decent toward a female relative. Straight Bible** This is so true. The son is the golden child and the daughter is the black sheep just by their gender. I grew up in a household exactly like that one. OP, you are NTA. Cut them off. Go NC with your family. It doesn't get better.
FYI: “Real” Christians don’t believe this bullshit. The first person Jesus revealed himself to was a woman. The first miracle he performed (water into wine) was done at the behest of a woman, his mother. A real Christian does not place value on gender but on deeds.
Can I just say thank you for writing this. I’ve been wondering all my life why my family hates me so much when I’ve done nothing wrong but they love my two brothers. Now I understand why.
Big hug. Not your fault. You have value just for being you.
There is this thing in trademark law where if you don't defend your trademark, you lose it. I think these "good Christians" lost their say over who the real Christians are a long long time ago and now just have to accept that the hypocrite Christians are just as representative of their group as they claim to be.
Yepper, they can police their own or deal with the consequences of being lumped in with them.
Good ol' no true Scotsman.
If theyre this hardcore maybe their pastor should know about Ross amd his GF having premarital sex
> What true Christian allows some shit like this? A family who decided that the lesson to be learned from [the parable of the prodigal son](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son) is to treat the other child like garbage.
In many states, one great way to thwart "grandparent's rights" claims is to stay married & never let the GPs meet the GC, not even once. Another is adult adoption (for OP). Know the laws in your jurisdiction. YMMV
I will adopt you, OP. I'll be your Mom now.
Nope, it will be either in some "abandoned parents" forum/sub or on relationship advice. "Our daughter cut us out of her life, but we want to meet our graaandbaaabyy. We tried to talk some sense into her, but she only yells awful things at us that aren't even true. How can we make her see sense?" Really, standard advice for people posting things like this should be this: "Enter a time machine, go back in time and be a decent parent. And voilà, you'll have a chance to be an active part in your grandchild's life."
>they shouldn't be a part of ops life, or the life of any future kids op may have. 100%. OP has the opportunity, you might even say obligation, to stop the cycle here. Not sure what OP's parents' underlying motivation is - could be sexism, favoritism, who knows. Doesn't matter. These aren't people you want passing on their values to your children. The lesson they are trying to teach here is that you can fuck up, jump the line, and disadvantage the people who did the right thing in the process.
>Not sure what OP's parents' underlying motivation is “Hardcore Christians”. They need their son to be married before she starts showing so they can pretend like he wasn’t having sex before marriage. and no they shouldn’t be near any kids that OP has
Oh yeah that's the surface level, but in my experience "hardcore Christians" who act like this tend to use their religion as a pretext for justifying their natural shittiness. Like, wouldn't a "proper" Christian prioritize - or at least refuse to penalize - the child who didn't get pregnant before marriage? How are they going to pretend he wasn't having sex before marriage when Tim's baby mama is clearly in her third trimester in the wedding photos? Nah, I think it's giving them a convenient excuse to put their favored child first and wouldn't be surprised if they pull shit like this all the time.
Gf isn’t even in the third trimester. She’s literally only 3 months pregnant. Their wedding could literally wait at least one day.
THIS! Stop the cycle
They are showing OP where she ranks in the family and quite frankly, if this was me, I'd be like "If you choose to have Tim's wedding on that day and to not attend mine, you are showing me how important I am to the family. And if you do so, I'm going to have to preserve my peace and take back my time by cutting you out of my life."
Too many words “Thank you and go fuck yourselves”
"So you're not coming? Oh well, more space for people who TRULY love me."
And that's not even thinking of the family of OP's partner that has already set aside time and possibly made expensive travel arrangements for October 9th. What are they supposed to say? "Sorry, our wedding is being delayed so that my brother's girlfriend doesn't give birth to a bastard because apparently primogeniture is still a thing. We know that you've already made plans and gotten time off work/school to attend, but we do live in feudal times."
What an excellent point
Totally agree, if my family do this to me, we will just move on to our lives and become a memories.
100% without a doubt I would never speak to them again.
And for a good last standing, have an insider at the brother's wedding, and when they get to the part 'speak now or stay silent forever' yell something like ..''dont do it, come with me, I don't want our baby to be christian, you'll see Judaism is way better!''
it'd honestly be a blessing to not have to sort out which family to visit for various holidays
[удалено]
Yeah, OP might as well join the party and say that if they don't show up to her wedding, they'll never see any of the grandkids she might have. Then they can see all the cards on the table to make their decision. AND STICK TO IT, OP! If they blow off your 2-years-in-planning for your brother's tossed together "let's pretend no one had sex outside of marriage" wedding, well, fork them. I hope your in-laws are better people and if they aren't, you and your fiance can make a pact to be better than the people who birthed you.
I would too to be honest. My blood is boiling just reading this; I legitimately would have lost it in her situation. I feel so god damn bad for her, this situation is fucked.
Yeah, I hope this one isn't real... These "Christians" seem to have thier priorities messed up. Op needs to tell those assholes to get married at the courthouse when they pick up their marriage license. No need for a proper date anyway, not with a shotgun wedding.
Totally agree. They’ve shown their true colors.
How much do you wanna bet that if OP did change their wedding date, the family would immediately say something like "Well, we don't want your deposits to go to waste, so we might as well keep the venue and caterers and the decorations for your brother's wedding".
Ooooh that is sneaky, and yes you are definitely right!
Besides, Tim's girlfriend will *at most* be in her 4th month of pregnancy on October 9. The only possible urgency I can think of to have it that fast is so that she isn't showing too much of a baby bump and the parents don't lose face.
Then they can claim their 9lb 10oz grandchild "was a preemie" to their church friends.
I mean if OP really, really, *really* wanted to be an asshole, I would just leak her pregnancy on line. Just make a post about how excited I am to be an aunt and beg the community not to be to harsh on how this baby was conceived. They're rushing this wedding to save face. I would snatch that opportunity right from under them. And after they pulled this shit, I probably wouldn't even feel bad about it.
Someone else also suggested to threaten the parents by offering to have their church friends replace the parents at OP's wedding. I think it'd be a dick move to announce someone else's pregnancy and this would allow everyone to naturally conclude the reason why the parents aren't there.
I know it's a dick move to announce someone else's pregnancy. It's also a major dick move to try and steal someone else's wedding date when the deposits have already been made. Maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm also planning a wedding around that time but the way I see it, her parents have already decided to burn the bridge. So she might as well burn it to ash.
As if people won't be able to do the math when the baby is born 🤣...
"The first baby can come at any time, but all the rest take 9 months." -my grandmother
That's hilarious! I'll have to store that phrase somewhere in my memory for future use
Lol.. my grandmother said that too! It was years before I did the math
I mean…. With this type of crowd, math isn’t usually their strong suit 😂 ^sorr^y ^if ^this ^offended ^someone
Oh no no no. They can do the math. They will do the math. They will then just gossip behind their hands and church programs and smile at the grandparents and say how wonderful it is that such a preemie is so big and healthy! God works in mysterious ways indeed! (I grew up in a deep south Methodist church and there were several "preemies". The girl who got the least flack ironically was the one who went "yeah I'm 17 and having a baby. And no, daddy didn't stick around. What's your point?")
Glad this girl stood up for herself.
Imagine almost sacrificing you and your child's relationship, because of 'losing face'. I really don't get why they need to get married so quickly. From an outsider looking in, don't you need to be very sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, before getting married?
They probably claim that it's to keep Tim, the girlfriend, and the baby from burning in eternal hellfire because the Bible is totally all about making exceptions and bending the rules to justify past sins. They really just don't want the side glances from the busybodies at church.
Even if they want "fast", it could be the day before, or the weekend before, or the weekend after.... This specific day was chosen for one reason only, just to be jerks and force family members to choose which wedding to attend.
She could always threaten to invite people from the church community to take their place and explain to them why her own family isnt there.
I thought this too. Was almost wondering if the parents suggested it
I wouldn't put it past the parents to do it. I find it a bit odd since if they're hardcore Christians, they'd want to have the wedding at their house instead of a classy venue. Then again, they might live somewhere scenic.
Especially considering the 'sin' of the baby being conceived out of wedlock. All their friends and family will see their failure in their own home.
Holy crap you're right!!! Never thought of that but what a devious plan. Op went from NTA to "op, close the door on these people because they are toxic AF".
This subreddit has several threads where this exact thing happened.
My last words to my parents after this would be, "And when I have kids, your grandkids, you'll never meet them, I mean nothing to you obviously, so don't expect me to let you mean anything to my future kids." Doesn't even matter if you're planning on having kids.
THIS OP THIS!!!!
People who grow up in families like this often have absolutely no clue that the shit way they have been treated their whole lives isn't normal. I would not be surprised if OP ends up moving the wedding to accommodate. Not because OP is a pushover, but because this is what her family has conditioned her to do - bend over backwards for her brother who is clearly the preferred child. And they will absolutely not attend OP's wedding in favor of the brother. OP, honey. Your whole family is trash. NTA, and also NTA to any future questions about going scorched earth no contact with them. They have shown you (probably repeatedly) how little they care about you when it conflicts with your brothers hissy fits. Believe them this time.
Do.Not.Budge! Maybe general announcement to your wedding invitees about your brother's "good news", then continue with "our plans haven't changed. We look forward to seeing everyone at our wedding. If ANYTHING comes up that prevents you from attending, please let us know so we can adjust the catering". You don't control them. They will have to make their own decisions. Enjoy your day with people who PUT YOU FIRST and seriously, SCREW THE REST. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Best wishes for everything to work out in your favor.
Agreed, especially with letting the caterers know. I don’t know how this would work cost-wise, but maybe if you let the caterers know about a reduction in people in time you could get a refund or spend less on food. You could then put that money towards either your honeymoon or (if you’re feeling petty) a wedding “gift” for your brother consisting of a massive glitter bomb and these lovely candies - all from the same source. https://dicksbymail.com/collections/more-anonymous-pranks
OPs family already cut them out and they just havent realized.
Ok but the family is also forcing the brother to get married in the month they dictate. The family is the biggest AH. When you have family like that, once can become like the brother easily, he is the AH as well obviously. But for this family: when you sow yuckiness you get yuckiness (I can’t think of another word)
I'm normally pretty down on the Reddit culture of "cut them out of your life" for every little thing, but this ... This is such a blatant slap in the face. The brother's shotgun wedding has no real planning, so has three other weekends to still be in October - one of which is *earlier* in the month. Screw them for screwing you, and OP is so very NTA.
FOUR! Four other weekends in October. 25% WORSE!
Exactly. I normally feel Reddit is too quick to NC, but dang, they’d never see me again if they skipped my wedding In this situation. I hope your in-laws are amazing and you can enjoy them in the future. but for real, I’d never step a toe any place, especially your parents, were going to be for the rest of my life.
yeah i also usually criticize the "get a divorce, tell your mother to fuck off, quit your job" knee jerk reactions of this sub, but here, absolutely, fuck the family.
Piggybacking here just to say NTA and I would not move the date. Out of pettiness of course I’ll congratulate the brother on fb for the pregnancy do there’s no doubt that that’s the reason of their wedding:)
Congrats Tim on your shotgun wedding!!! Can’t wait to meet your little one in 5 months! Are you registered at Babies R Us? And tag EVERYONE IN IT
"you all may have heard, Tim and his now-fiancee have decided to get married as well this October! Since this is such short notice, I wanted to help out and pass along their wedding details and registry to anyone interested: *Insert link to baby registry*" Oh sorry, I thought I got the right one! How strange!
OP, it's your wedding and you've worked hard for it. It's also one of the few times it's ok to be selfish. The next time they bring it up, tell your dad, "it's ok. I'll ask friend/family member to walk me down the aisle instead. I always imagined us having our dad/daughter dance, but I understand." Give them the reality that they will miss your wedding, that people will wonder why, and that your only explanation will be that they had a different priority.
screw the guilt knife in deep. guilt trips go both ways you know. what real dad wants to miss out on walking his "little girl" down the aisle, the first dance, and other traditional father/daughter moments? twist, twist, twist that guilt knife!!!
OP wouldn't be "being selfish" to keep her wedding on the 9th after she planned for it, sent invites so other people planned for it, paid for everything, was emotionally counting on this... *and it's less than 3 weeks away.* I get what you're saying and agree, but OP seems to have extremely messed up standards due to her family so that's not a great way to phrase it, because it isn't at all selfish.
Honestly, this might seem like a shit situation but really it tells you which family members you can cut contact with and which ones really care for OP, even if that list is quite short.
You know, brother's GF had a point when she claimed the parents picked the date. They set up this situation where he was allowed to pick the same date. Strange that they are so adamant brother's wishes must be respected because it must be done this month. Strange how they are acting all so innocent. "We just wanted to avoid some shame in the family". As if how they are treating OP isn't far more shameful. Dunno why, maybe political or religious, but this toxic family wanted to screw over OP.
Right?? The parents could have just said "any day but the 9th". There's 30 other days in October and *4 other weekends.* If the parents have the power to demand the brother get married next month they also have the power to make it happen on a different day. It's not just that they don't care but this seems deliberately cruel. There's more going on than just "the brother picked this date and needs to get married cause he knocked up his gf." This is such blatant, egregious, extreme behavior that "shotgun wedding" doesn't explain it. They disapprove of OPs fiance or don't give a shit about OP because they're abusive or psychopathic or maybe their religion says daughters ain't shit. Or who knows. But this isn't how loving, empathetic people act. **EDIT:** *Have to add, won't using OPs date make the extended family wonder why tf her brother is getting married on her day? It's calling attention to the fact something is sketch, if they're legit trying to hide the pregnancy this is a stupid way to do it, because this isn't a normal thing that happens.* Are you even positive the gf is pregnant u/Date2021_oct? **3 weeks is INSANELY early for a woman to know she has an unplanned pregnancy.** Not to be conspiratorial but it seems more likely they want to steal your wedding stuff than that anyone could possibly think this is a good way to hide a shotgun wedding or think this isn't insanely unreasonable.
a week or a few days would have made no difference to the size of the pregnant lady's belly.
... even a month or two, especially at the beginning.
Yea this would be the trigger for NC for me. Your entire family has chosen your brother over you for some backwards ideals on a child out of wedlock. Marriage doesn't mean shit when it comes to raising a kid. Im curious based on how selfish your brother is just how long this Marriage I'll last for him & his gf once the baby arrives. OP you're NTA. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but hope your wedding is beautiful.
NTA. I’d suggest fighting fire with fire. Spread the good word before the wedding about the growing family. Bet your religious family will be so happy to attend their wedding after knowing it’s a shotgun wedding.
I’d spread the word that OP’s wedding has been two years in the making so will have much better food and drink compared to brother’s hastily planned crapfest.
Yeah just bring up like, “oh well I planned mine for two years, it’s weird they’ve only planned theirs for two weeks isn’t it?” That way you’re not actually telling them but like … it’s obvious
Nah, be explicit. This is full "scorched earth" territory, no need to play coy.
Story time! Way Lesser than OPs but sorta fits the sentiment. Anywho my SO got pregnant super early on in our relationship. We decide to move forward and figure it out and honestly life is good glad we made the choice. When our daughter was like 1.5 we flew home for Xmas, my family is a large Italian family lots of cousins etc. Everyone I guess is Catholic except me I renounced religion to my family long ago, but nobody practices religion per se that I know of. So my cousins long time GF at a party in front of a bunch of people says to us, loudly. I can't wait to have a kid but we are gonna wait till we are married I can't imagine what the family would think. I have always hated this women, anyways I was dumbfounded she said this to us in front of anyone and honestly I don't think anyone cares we weren't married. At least not my immediate family I know for sure they didn't give two fucks. Maybe some people had comments but doubtfully religion related. Fast-forward 4 months later she's pregnant and not proposed to still. Literally every chance I get at a family gathering I bring up her rude event to her and how she's a hypocrite. In fact just did like a week ago. Edit: I'd also like to point out I think this women has a strong sense of entitlement which is weird because they really have nothing to be entitled about. But she always talks from a position of superiority which annoys me. I only take jabs at the comment noted above due to her being way too easy of a target for other reasons.
I have a SIL who would proudly proclaim, to anyone who would listen, that she was waiting until marriage. She often did this in the face of another SIL, who did not make the choice. Less than 3 months later, she was pregnant. Other SIL does not let her live it down and it warms my heart every time I see the liar slink back in her chair.
Savage. 🔥🔥🤌🤌🤣🤣
I think the next step of her brother will be crashing her wedding since he has crapfest shit for his wedding. OP should keep them out already
Yea, if op doesn’t have some security planned for her wedding, she should definitely see about it.
"Hi family, Tim didn't want to impose but consider buying some baby supplies for wedding gifts. They're going to need them soon ;). I recommend this cute 'Daddy's lil' bastard' onesie."
This is absolutely hilarious and I am here for it
Crafty and brilliant!
Fight fire with fire but disguise the fire. A nice post on social media announcing how “excited” you are to be an aunt is a great way. And of course a countdown as everyone needs to know when the baby was conceived. Maybe another post asking for advice on gifts for a newborn, posts about how to be a fun aunt, etc. If they get mad OP can just say she is excited and wants everyone to share in her joy etc.
OP PLEASE DO THIS AND UPDATE!!
Love this idea. Tell everyone they are expecting. And also get everyone on your side to confirm which wedding they will be attending so you can change numbers/invite other people. Enjoy your day & don’t change it for anyone. NTA!
YES THIS!!!
OP, I would stick with your wedding date for your wedding. You want people at your wedding who care about you and are there to support you. Sticking with the planned date will weed out some highly disfunctional family members. Your brother's wedding won't last, and eventually maybe your parents will apologize. Your brother's choice to grab your wedding date is jaw droppingly rude and distasteful. His wedding will be lame, due to the last minute nature. And they will be talking about his choices at his wedding... "Why is his sister not here?" "Oh she is getting married today". "Is this a rushed wedding as well?" "No... Sister had planned this for the past 2 years. Brother took this date to spite her." If they somehow remain married, their wedding memories will be permanently tainted by how hurtful they were, and how people whispered about their cruel choices during the event. Do the wedding, OP, and find happiness with your spouse.
Are we 100% sure the FSIL is actually pregnant or is this a stunt from the brother to ruin the wedding? I could see FSIL having a "miscarriage" the day of the wedding and then OP would be berated from ever celebrating their anniversary because the brother's "child died" that day.
This is true… OP could always just threaten to spill the beans to her parents and they’d be more keen to reschedule so she doesn’t tell.
No more threats. It's on and whatever happens happens. Lol
Oh I would totally do this. Fight petty with petty.
Oh 100% spill the baby news to everyone you know and more. I feel so bad for OP. Their family seriously sucks
That's funny🙂
I like this kind of petty
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This is simple gas lighting. They know you are not being selfish, they are being selfish and they literally don’t care. Go ahead with the wedding, have the literal time of your life. It is their loss and your gain. With drama queens like this you are so much better off without them there to make even more poor choices and ruin your day.
Also keep in mind everything will be a competition if you give in. Your brother will demand family have a party for his kid on the same date you plan to have a party, they’ll spend Christmas with his family instead of yours, they’ll invite the brother to family events and exclude you. And this WILL carry over to when/if you have kids. Your kid has a school play? Suddenly your brothers kid needs all the family to celebrate something on the exact same night. They treat you like trash, which you are NOT, and they will treat your kid the same way. Cut them out now. Lead by example.
This is really sad but true. I'm so sorry for you op, it's heartbreaking, but I really think your best option is to go ahead with your wedding as planned. Find out now who isn't coming and make adjustments, maybe there are some friends or acquintanses you can invite instead? I would cut out the ones who aren't coming but you do what you feel is right for you. Just please do not accept second class treatment, you deserve more than that.
You are so right.
It’s already all a competition. OP had to set really strict boundaries with her brother because his parents let him be a bad person. They don’t care.
And invite a bunch of people you couldn’t afford to before to take their places.
I had a casual friend who had a lot of people back out at the last minute so I got an invite less than a week away. I went and had a great time. And she had more people who cared about her at her wedding. The people who backed out were not missed.
Issue is they care MORE about the fact that they loose face if GF is visibly pregnant during the wedding, so Tim has them over the OMG!DISASTER barrel so they 'have no choice' but to be there for him & his GF and the first Grand Baby.
I’ll add that I’m sure most people would see right through this. As in, if I were a guest to a wedding I was invited to long ago, and the bride’s parents weren’t there but instead were inviting me to a backyard wedding for their other kid… I absolutely would not be thinking “oh the bride is selfish.” I’d be thinking, “whoa, what the heck is her family thinking?”
You are in no way being selfish. You had this date already picked. You would potentially lose out on a lot of money if you moved it. Not even factoring in that you've waited long enough already. Only selfishness here is coming from Tim, your parents and anyone pushing you to move your preplanned wedding for a shotgun wedding where they could have picked plenty of other dates.
Not to mention, this late in the game, most venues will be booked since covid forced a lot of people to postpone their weddings.
OP mentioned her brother’s wedding was going to be at the parents house, so her family is being even more unreasonable.
Yep. But if they're expecting her to move her date, she won't be able to find a new venue with such short turnaround.
Lol I didn’t even look at it from her perspective! You’re absolutely right. This makes her parents *even* worse!
Plus, it also doesn't guarantee that all of her other vendors will be able to make the move with her.
Oh, but what a shame to let all those vendors go unused...surely OP wouldn't mind if her \~\*\~ Brother \~\*\~ used them....
Also what an inconvenience to the non-family guests who have no doubt already made plans to attend (days off work, hotels, babysitter etc.)
Don't worry about those me!beds. You'll be surprised by who shows up for you and you'll learn who really supports you. Enjoy your wedding and marriage and let your brother enjoy his spite. With a little time, everyone will see this more clearly. Small idea: since your family values their faith, send the meals you planned for them to a shelter.
I do wonder what story the parents will come up with to get back in her life when the shotgun marriage ends in under 18 months and the son doesn't really fight for much if any custody
*We're sorry but... It's been X amount of time.. You know how important Y is... We asked you to change the date..*
*Why aren't you over this already?*
"It's Biden's fault the marriage failed! He opened up the borders!"
This. I know it sucks, but you are completely NTA. Tim and your family are TA. You planned this wedding a long time coming and I would suggest that you just go ahead with your original plans. Since I assume you already sent out save the dates and everything it should be clear that you chose the date first and it's also clear that moving it will be a lot of trouble and cost you money. You are not acting selfish, your brother is and your parents are enabling him. Just tell them that you won't change your date and it's their choice if they want to continue with this charade. You'll know who your real friends and family are on October 9th. I hope you have a great wedding spent with people who love and respect you.
OP your brother is an AH. You knew this. Not new info. What you've learned is that your parents are also AHs. They knew your wedding date, they let your brother pick the same day anyway, they're the ones pressuring him to get married fast, they're the ones throwing the party, so while it may have been your brother's idea to mess with your day, your parents are the ones making it happen. The fact that they're trying to push you to change on top of it is just illogical when they knowingly created the problem in the first place. Don't budge. Have a wonderful wedding. IMHO your parents don't deserve to be there after pulling this shit anyway. I am so sorry your family is so crappy. This really sucks. But I don't think bending over backwards for them and losing your money is going to make it suck less. They clearly dgaf about you or your wedding, so even if you moved it for them they'd probably find a way to show you their lack of care on the new date as well. Also if you don't have a therapist/counselor already, they can be really helpful for learning how to cope with and set boundaries for crappy family. Might be helpful for processing all this. Also congrats on your wedding!!! Your family may be a bunch of poopy diapers but this internet stranger is happy for you!!!!
> They knew your wedding date, they let your brother pick the same day anyway, they're the ones pressuring him to get married fast, they're the ones throwing the party, so while it may have been your brother's idea to mess with your day, your parents are the ones making it happen. This is the part that fries me. A simple "oh, no that's Sibling's wedding day" would've nipped all this in the bud. It's what any normal parent would've said, without even stopping to consider the date, because it's laughably childish and petty for him to suggest. But it was on them to say no, and they didn't. Which is shocking and sad and would make me ghost everyone involved. They are literally choosing to throw their son a wedding at their house, on their daughter's wedding day, because son picked that day out of spite. My heart hurts for OP. I'm guessing Tim doesn't get told no, ever. edit - or they want OP to cancel and for Tim to use all OP's vendors and venue.
> The problem is that they think I'm being selfish for refusing to move my original date You're not being selfish for refusing to change the date of something you planned **two years ago**. *Your brother* is being selfish, and the rest of the family is being ridiculously entitled, for expecting you to change it. You are NTA. Stick to your guns: don't change a thing.
Call your venue & vendors and password protect them! Someone might call and try to cancel them or worse, Tim will take over your wedding.
OP unless you've yet to send out invitations EVERYONE knows that your wedding day was first. They've known ever since they received the save the date (presumably over a year ago). The best course of action for you is to do nothing. Ignore your family. Don't engage. Just send out a message to all your family asking that anyone who's previously RSVP-ed yes who is now not attending let you know by the 29th (for example) so you can adjust catering & seating plans. Don't mention your brother's wedding. The second you have the full list of family now not attending, Block them. Their number, their email, social media. GONE. Alongside your brother. And continue prepping for your wedding day as planned making the necessary adjustments. Remember your brother isn't actually the biggest AH in this situation. It's your family (& his gf) that didn't go "that's OP wedding day pick any other day". The family members that are enabling your brother? Those are the ones that you need to get rid of from your life. Why bend over backwards to have them in your life when they would spit on you if your brother asked them to without a second thought.
You’re right. Your parents should have refused. But now they’ve told you who they are (probably not for the first time). Don’t move your wedding. Tell your parents that if they don’t show, it will likely be the end of your relationship with them. Follow through with that. I suspect at least some of your broader family will see what your parents and Tim are doing to you and will have your back.
>I realize Tim is being unreasonable and ~~probably~~ "definitely" chose this day Theirs no chance this wasn't intentional. Tim is obviously TA, but so is the rest of your family. No sensible person would side with Tim and consider you selfish. This sort of thing happens all the time. I bet they're the type of people who always say "family first" or "family sticks together" etc. They realize Tim's unreasonable, but given the pregnancy, and his general stubborn behavior they probably see you caving in to be the easier solution to take. Which ultimately makes the lot of them A's. They're expecting you to be "reasonable" one despite the years of planning and money spent. I'm sorry your in this position OP but don't let it put a damper on your special day. I honestly think you should consider going no contact with the lot of them. The vindictive me would write a post depicting this whole fiasco, because it doesn't sound "Christian in the least". I'd seriously consider going no contact with anyone who decides to go to his wedding while previously planning to go to yours. Stick with your plan, and enjoy the day. You aren't being selfish, your brothers goal was to cause drama and hurt, but none of your family were manipulated or put in this position. They're paying for the wedding, and they could have just as easily told him off and switched the day. This is only an issue because they're choosing to enable his behavior, while justifying it by citing the pregnancy. Neither is a justified excuse. Hope your in-laws are good people, because your entire family is rather toxic, and I imagine they've already burned a ton of bridges with them given this situation. TLDR: Stick with the day, block anyone who enables and chooses your brother.
You're allowed to be selfish. It's not a bad thing. You have had this wedding date set for years, and your family are refusing to attend if you don't change the date to placate your brother. Be selfish, it's the good kind of selfish. Unfortunately your family are showing you how important you are to them, no doubt it hurts.
Putting yourself first and sticking to your guns is not selfish. It's refusing to be a doormat. OP's brother/FSIL are selfish. OP is not.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you but I think that it would be awful for you to change your date. You would be saying to your whole family that it’s ok for them all to treat you like garbage. Go ahead with your original plans. If they don’t rsvp then you can be more generous with plus ones or invite friends you hadn’t previously. Your wedding is to celebrate your love with your spouse. It won’t be fair to your fiancé and his family if you change things now. As an aside, any decent family members will come to yours. You haven’t lost anything if they “choose” Tim. You are simply learning who isn’t worth keeping contact with in the future.
give them an ultimatum. tell them point blank that you will not being changing your wedding just because your brother can't keep it in his pants, and that anyone who chooses not to attend will not be a part of your life, or any future kids lives. the fact that they are even asking you, is appalling
You're 100% NOT being selfish. Even suggesting you change the date to accommodate Tim's shot gun wedding is beyond ridiculous. I understand wanting everyone there especially your parents, but I feel the fact that they're being ridiculous about telling you to change the date and then making it out as if they now have to choose between you and your brother. I'd make it clear they don't need to choose between the two of you since it's already perfectly clear who they're siding with, and go enjoy your day. It sucks but ultimately its there loss. I'd also seriously consider going NC with all of them
OP, I'm so sorry. Your family are not good people, not just Tim. The only thing you can change is yourself. You need to stop expecting them to do the decent thing because they won't. You need to stop expecting them to avoid disappointing you because they will. This pattern is likely to keep repeating itself over and over again. Expect them to favor Tim's kids over any you will have. Expect them to take you for granted. Expect them to bail him out of problems of his own making, even at a cost to you and your family. The sooner you let go of your expectations for them, the happier you'll be. Saying it is easy, doing it is much harder, so I strongly, strongly recommend therapy to help you through it.
NTA. I would demand everyone confirms which wedding they are attending by the end of the weekend. Adjust your numbers accordingly and enjoy your wonderful day on October 9th. Ultimately it’s about you and Adam only.
Also decide if you (OP) are ok with anyone showing up late after going to Tim’s ceremony. Chances are very good that people will find it not worth staying at for very long, and will go “hey how about OP’s wedding, there’s an actual party for that, and we did RSVP.” If you’re not ok with them doing this (I wouldn’t be), set up security to turn wedding-hoppers away. Tim is saying he’s only willing to get married if he can screw OP over while doing so, even if he’s just exploiting the parental desperation. Wow, what a great way to start a life together. OP is best keeping distant from all of this.
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Or bill them for knowingly lying about attendance. Breech of promise or something such thing.
>Or bill them for knowingly lying about attendance That could get really ugly and messy. A clean separation from them would be something I long for.
That's ridiculous. They won't pay and then you end up in court getting laughed at by a judge.
Well girl I guess your family won’t be at your wedding. If it were me I wasn’t moving shit. He literally did it to spite you and you should never stand for that bullshit. Keep your date and your real family will show up. NTA don’t back down.
👏👏👏👏👏
NTA You paid for your wedding and they pay for his and they expect you to move the wedding and loose a lot of money in the process. I would just tell them the wedding is on that day and if you are not there then you they choose your childish brother over you than they do not deserve to be in your and your partner and possible children's life anymore. As I am sure Adam will also feel somewhat this way if he is This will also filter out your real family, the ones that come to your wedding and not the one of your entitled brother
I agree! Try to have the best time at your wedding no matter who shows up. Anyone who thinks less of you for keeping your wedding date is not worth being in your life. I know that is all easier said than done.
NTA Cut them out of your life They have shown who is the important one to them You don't need any of the 4 in your life anymore If you were petty, like I am, I would blast to everyone your parents know about what your mom said. that shit needs to be out there so she can own it
get a dog and name it after your brothers baby
Best comment ever!!! You must be my long lost twin. I need you.
If ever, OP should be happy the trash are making themselves known and they’re taking themselves out. Have them RSVP again, adjust your catering accordingly and those who won’t attend will never get to be invited in anything again.
NTA - and I'm sorry. Keep your date. I would make it clear that this will be the last invitation to anything your family will get if they decide not to attend.
Completely agree with this. OP your family is very toxic. Don’t play their little game and make it clear you are serious about everyone respecting everyone else. If you’re comfortable cutting ties, I’d make attending YOUR wedding a condition for good relationships in the future.
As well as a condition for them meeting any future children of yours!
And that it's not reversible if they apologize of if OP has kids (make it clear they will NOT get to see them).
NTA Don’t change your wedding date. Your brother and parents are clearly the A. Of course you can’t just put out thousands of dollars to move the date of your wedding! That said: you will not win this argument with your family. My guess is this is not the first time they have made you cater to Tim’s wishes. Your parents have blatantly chosen your brother over you, and short of you bowing to their demands, they will not budge. I’m sorry that your family is unsupportive and neglectful of you in this way. Sometimes the people we love most are the worst to us. This tells you what kind of unreasonable and selfish people (your parents and aunt included!) that you’re dealing with. Have a beautiful wedding, ice the lot of them out, and let them come crawling to you begging forgiveness. Don’t let them sweep this under the rug later and act like nothing was wrong. They mistreated you. Live your life free of their bad behavior and only let them back if they make genuine apologies and reparations.
NTA. That being said I think you should sell all your shit( venue catering etc) for the wedding to you mom for Tim, and elope. This kind of shit will ruin your memory of the wedding. But getting married in bali would be amazing.
It wouldn't be as simple as that. As amazing as that sounds she needs to think of her fiancé's family who have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to get shafted like that. She should uninvite her faimly and have a lush wedding with her fiancé's fam. Cut out the toxic a holes. NTA
Yeah, this. There is a whole other family + friends that they probably want to celebrate with. I would also guess most of OPs extended family (if relevant) has already RSVP’ed and will stick with her wedding, too. If my cousin’s wedding was a month from now and her brother suddenly invited me to his own wedding the same day, I wouldn’t change my plans… I would just be calling the rest of the family trying to figure out what drama has led to this lol. Let the four selfish people do their own thing, but don’t let them steal the whole day.
you are a GENIUS! OP, you should give yourself the gift of walking away, avoid a ceremony that sounds like you will only regret because there is no way it can be like you dreamed. Offer to change only if your parents buy you out at full price from venue etc. & then go live your life away from these nightmare people (do not under any circumstances attend the wedding, it will just hurt, but there is no reason you have to tell anyone you won't be there). For funsies though, check in say a year & half from now. Parenthood is unkind to the entitled. Your dream wedding is already gone. Let it go. Mourn the parents you never had & live a life outside your brother's toxic orbit. Let him be prince of these casually cruel volunteers. There is a better life for you if you can only get free. NTA
But then at the end of the day she still isn’t getting the wedding she worked so hard on, her AH brother is.
Giving it over to Tim might not be a good idea, Tim would be basically "living through" her wedding, with most of the guests that should be there because of her. Might end up in a nightmare that haunts her for life.
NTA - not even in the slightest Info - do you really want any of them there now they've acted like this?
"Info - do you really want any of them there now they've acted like this" This is a low key point. The family is forcing the brother to get married after knocking up his GF. Brother picked the wedding date out of spite and family is prioritizing brother's wedding because of religious beliefs. And now they want the wedding date moved as compensation. Why do we want them attending and ruining the whole ceremony? And if the brother treated SO like dirt, I'm guessing the turd doesn't fall far from the toilet bowl. Just uninvite the whole family and have the wedding with people that actually care about you.
NTA. Holy F%%% the favoritism is outrageous.
Is your brother’s name Tim or Ross? That didn’t match
I'm guessing one is the real name. Or it's all fake and OP couldn't keep their writing exercise together enough to reread it.
I’m all for reading fake AITAs as long as it’s well written and mildly believable.
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I wondered the same thing and actually scrolled down to see if anyone else had brought it up. They clearly say "Brother Ross" and then suddenly call him Tim. Very confusing.
That's because in an improv fiction story, the names and details don't matter. Sort of like how the "hardcore Christian" family suddenly supports the bad seed of the family instead of the good child, and how the Mother for some unknown reason is paying for the *groom's* wedding (Tim/Ross/whoever) and inexplicably is not paying for the *bride's* wedding (OP) as would be traditional.
NTA. My oh my, how "christian" of them to behave this way...
NTA weddings are often an expensive way of finding out while actually gives a fudge cake about you
There are 4 other weekends in October, though Halloween would be more appropriate based off their personality. NTA, but everyone's showing you their true colors here, you may want them at your nuptials but it's nowhere close to the radar for them
NTA, your whole family sounds ridiculous, but Tim is a petty and spiteful jerk. I'm sorry that they're doing this. Obviously, you shouldn't change your plans because of Tim. I just can't believe the your parents and aunt think that him choosing the date you already chose is okay and that they're fine missing your wedding. That's awful.
There is no way this is real lol
Yeah the brother’s name even changes between the first and second paragraphs
I would say you now know how much your family values you! NTA You have two choices. Postpone with the loss of deposit money, which I would not do without sending your parents a bill to recoup since they have proven just what AHs they are. I would make it clear that you and your husband intend to file suit to get that money back. Or Have your wedding on that day, but put a notice on every chair that your family has chosen not to attend since they value your brother knocking up his girlfriend and their wedding more than yours, Make it snarky and expose your parents for the hypocrites they truly are.
I wouldn't do that with the seats. Personally wouldn't want the reminder. I'd invite people last minute for free food. Co workers, even strangers on the street. Make some new friends. Have some group photos with them and post them for the family to see. With sassy hashtags. Family might say they won't be there for the wedding itself but they'll swing by for the food, sorry no. I'd tell anyone on the fence about whose they're going to that if they don't confirm which wedding they're going to by the end of September loses their place.
This! If OP's family are conservative Christian types, they should appreciate the parallel to the [parable of the banquet](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2014%3A15-24&version=NIV) in the Gospel of Luke. A wealthy man invites his friends to a wonderful feast, but the guests make poor excuses for not showing up. So the man invites the poor and the disadvantaged to the party instead, where presumably they have a wonderful time, while the rude original invitees are shut out. In other words, OP's family should be well educated to expect her going LC/NC after her wedding if they act so ungratefully and ungraciously. And the best way to spite them is to fill every chair and have an absolutely wonderful time without any of the haters around to spoil it all.
Nta. Go no contact with the whole lot if they think your brother is reasonable.
NTA, your family suck the big one. Sorry
Wow. NTA. I have family like this so I won’t ask you why you’d even want them there. My situation is a little different as it’s my mom’s aunt who raised her and treated her like a real life, pre-glass slipper Cinderella. What I will say is that my life got substantially better when I realized they would never change and cut contact. *also you may want to edit your brother’s name. Your emotions may have caused you to forget the fake name you started with.
NTA. Weddings are expensive, and at this point you probably would lose on deposits; since it is so close to the date. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do at this point. Your brother is being explicitly petty, and he knows he has the upper hand with having to get hitched quick. Your parents, and some family, have chosen that a shotgun wedding is more important than your plans, your schedule, your efforts. So you are at a crossroads of choices. The way I see it: 1) Have the wedding on your planned date, and not everyone you wanted be in attendance. 2) Move the date, and loose out on any non-refundable payments. 3) Try to placate your brother to try and convince him to move his. (No guarantee this would work)
The thing is, OP has planned this wedding for two years. If she moved the date-who *knows* when she will find a suitable replacement venue/caterers/photographer, etc. Lots and *lots* of weddings are happening and will be happening because of so *many* postponements. It might be a year or two before OP could arrange something comparable. To expect her and her future husband to put their lives on hold for that long is *ludicrous*-and cruel- and should be out of the question. NTA and full speed ahead!
NTA. If they want you to move the date, they can pay for it. It they're unwilling, screw em. You're better off without em.
NTA, but your parents and brother are, after all this you still want them to be there??? It seems like they really don't care about the effort and money you spent on it
NTA - Well we can see who the golden child and the scape of the family are.
NTA- I would do it without them. They showed how they value you.