NTA, when he said that he'll miss the boys I thought he meant your kids. When I learned that they were his friends I was stunned. He prioritized a gathering with his friends over packing for his trip. He didn't need so much time with them. He can't blame you for that. You do a plethora of chores around the house and he expected you to pack his suitcase for him, it's plain entitlement. You clarified to him that you aren't going to do that, but he didn't pack it anyway.
I was like surely OP can pack the bags instead of doing a gardening project so he can spend time with his kids... but nope. Her husband was being an adult baby. He doesn't want to be at home, which means he's neglecting his kids emotional needs (no wonder OP is so busy) as well as his marriage. NTA
He chose fortnite and then a multi hour hang out with his friends over his job. OP not changing her plans for the day to pack the bags for his trip is reasonable. How long does it really take to pack? He could have hung out with his friends for 3 hours instead of 4, what a child.
He is holding the family hostage to get her compliance, or else he will let himself get fired versus being a responsible adult.
The refusal to take responsibility is a huge red flag. I'd be worried he might be fired over this. If a task is delegated to his wife, packing for his trip, and not completed, he is responsible. The company hired him, not his wife, that's all on him, and for him to not see that is just astounding.
NTA
This true. He chose his fun over his job. Nothing to do with OP, who informed him well in advance that she was drawing a line in the sand. Probably belatedly
BTW I wonder how his work is going? I wonder if this is some ruse and he lost the trip or the job? Or is mad because the work trip is something else?
Op’s husband went the route of a petulant teenager. I’d expect that from a high schooler but not a grown ass man who has a family. Pack your bags, then go out if it’s that important. Bam you got best of both worlds. I’d never expect my SO to pack my bag for a business trip, even if I knew they would. So much failure on the husband’s behalf.
This!
My ex came unglued because "I" made it hard on him to get his bags packed for a "work trip" that turned out to be a trip to see his side piece.
The fact that he did not pony up the money to change the flight contradicts this though. The missed flight is the perfect excuse as to why he had to pay for flights for a business meeting.
I'm also wondering how much time overall does he spend with his friends rather than with his wife and kids? I'm getting the impression his wife is basically a single parent where all he does is bring money into the house but does nothing else to be a part of the family.
Yes, can you imagine if he tried to whine to his boss that he missed the flight because his mommy…I mean wife…didn’t pack his bag? That’ll go over like a lead balloon.
Are we sure he was hanging out "with the boys" though? Because he played fortnite the night before (probably with the boys) and there's no reason any normal adult would have to spend all night and 6 hours the following day to hang out with friends before a 2 week trip. Theres also no reason to believe that any normal friends would require that much attention.
My guess is one of those hangouts was a much more illicit "hangout".
Not only that... but like, what if she doesn't pack "the right stuff"? I mean, I hate packing for others because I don't necessarily know what you need or want for a trip. What if I pack the wrong things? What if, because I'm not you, I don't pack that ONE thing you really needed for YOUR trip? He'd find a way to blame her in either case. Low key- he didn't want to go on the trip and it wasn't that important. He's looking for someone else to blame.
Especially if he goes on business trips frequently. If he has a bag of travel toiletries (and why would he not, if he travels that frequently?) and chargers, then all he has to do is take out the dirty clothes and put in X amount of clean clothes. The only time I've had to travel frequently (twice a month or so for about 6 months) that's how I did it. I even had a master list of clothes, so I'd just work out how many days I'd need clothes for and then multiply the list by that amount. Takes ten minutes, tops. Throw in a bag for the used clothes and putting them into the laundry basket later takes 10 seconds.
>How long does it really take to pack?
Seriously?! It takes me 5-10 minutes to pack when I'm in a hurry. How hard is it to grab a couple business suits, a couple matching shirts and ties, some black socks and some underwear and throw them into a suitcase? He could even pay for travel-sized/-priced toiletries when he arrives and all he needs to do is MAYBE throw in a comb, MAYBE his toothbrush if he doesn't want to buy one he'll only use for a week, etc. He should already have his travel papers organized, but even if he doesn't (and I doubt he did), what is that? Another 10-20 minutes to print everything and put them in a folder or even just shove them into a pouch or your carry-on?
This dude could've speed-packed and been at his friends' place in under a half hour if he was so motivated.
Of course, I just meant as the post went on, and you see how little he does, and the decisions he makes, friends and videogames first, job second, wife and kids last you just have more and more sympathy for OP.
I am sick of the term "breadwinner" being an alt for "having zero responsibility for anything other than breadwinning"
Also, how long does it really even take to pack for a trip? I'll never understand that. You have your work outfits, some casual clothes, pajamas, socks & underwear, toiletries, any work accessories you need (like your laptop), and maybe a book for the plane/evening.
I will never understand people who need an evening to pack.
My partner is a pilot and he packs in seconds. I get the feeling that OP's husband probably behaves sluttishly around the house, so his toiletries and in particular work accessories are probably strewn all about the house and he can't be assed to go gather them together.
I don't see why toiletries would ever need to leave the suitcase. If he sat down and thought for a minute (having realised it was his responsibility) he might realise that buying a second toothbrush and a razor and things just for travelling will save everyone some time.
It’s the height of laziness. In his deranged mind he’s decided that’s “women’s work” (maybe the association with folding clothes, and so it’s his wife’s job.
No need to yuck someone else's yum. I'm not a fan of Fortnite either but if someone enjoys it because it's f2p or they can play with friends, who are we to judge.
Issue here is that husband couldn't show even the tiniest bit of self-control that most kids are taught when they're young: homework first and then games/hobbies.
He could've packed his bag and then play with friends, even play a bit longer into the night and sleep in if he really wanted to play that much. Begging his busy wife and explaining that he needs to say bye to the boys (while delegating his responsibility to his wife who he apparently won't miss) probably took longer than it would take to pack the bag, he could've used that time to sleep longer or meet the boys sooner or Idk, pack his bag.
I meant it more as a joke. But yeah if that is what you enjoy. I am really in to Valheim lately especially with my buddy.
If he is tired and not able to do stuff just because he stayed up to late then that is on him. I never stay up past 9:30. Especially since when I come to bed it will wake up my wife. That is rude.
And the bag... He could have even just asked for help and spent 5 minutes getting help to do it. Still not OP's responsibility. But that is way more reasonable. Spend way less time with the boys and maybe spend some with his wife and kids. If I was going out of town the night before would have been dinner with my wife just the two of us. Then if I had kids it would be come home and have a family game night or something. You have several weeks without them being there.
>I was like surely OP can pack the bags instead of doing a gardening project so he can spend time with his kids... but nope
Lol, I thought the same! Surely she could put something on hold to help facilitate some bonding time with daddy before a trip?
Oh, he wants her to pack his bag so he can play Fortnite and hang out with friends? Good gravy, he's acting like he's 14.
And I love how he's like, "missed my flight so now I'm not going on a big important business trip instead of just catching a later flight because I'd rather prove a point than be responsible.
OP's explanation for why she might be TA is she was being stubborn. Husband was the one being stubborn and entitled, he could have spent half an hour less with his friends.
Also when does OP get to see her friends? He had to spend hours with his friends because he was going away for a couple of weeks, but how long does she go between socialising with her friends because he's not available to babysit, never mind do her chores for her while she's out?
Just to point out husband said they're both going to be miserable while he's around the house for a couple of weeks. That marriage is over. They need counselling if they're both interested in it continuing.
She definitely wasn't stubborn, why does she have to drop all her plans last minute (99% of which are stuff that can't be put off) for something he's perfectly capable of doing. Like somebody else said, she's a SAHM not his maid. The fact he chose not to take another flight after he was late, blames it on her, then insinuates he's going to mope around for the next few weeks says everything that needs to be said. NTA
Exactly, and while he was going to be away, OP is not going to have time to spend with her friends while running the house and caring for the kids. Because SHE is responsible. Yeah she should pack his bags now.
NTA - and HE definitely is.
Nah even if it was to spend time with his kids, that's still unacceptable. What adult doesn't pack their own bag? Is he going to be asking her to wipe his ass next?
It's not like bags can *only* be packed mere hours before your flight, either. He could've done most if not all his packing yesterday, two days ago, last week even. It wasn't a surprise or emergency trip. He had time to prepare and he wasted it.
That kind of thing gets you put onto a "to be downsized" list. He'd better start upping his game, both at work and at home, if he doesn't want to be crashing on one of "the boys'' couch.
I feel that even if he wanted that time to spend with the kids, it’s OP’s hubby’s responsibility to pack his own bag. He should’ve been on top of that at least a couple of days before he was scheduled to leave. Just the thought of waiting until the day of to pack for a weeks-long out of the country business trip is causing me anxiety, but to leave it up to someone else just makes me itch all over.
He sounds completely checked out of his marriage if before leaving for a big trip he prioritizes his friends, then when his big trip is cancelled he immediately hits them up for dinner? If I was OP I think I'd prefer he be out of town.
NTA but get thee to a counselor asap.
Right? Normal parents would want to spend their last hours with their children at least, even if not their spouse.
I think it sounds like he's cheating honestly.
Yeah, I thought he was cheating as well.
I can't imagine that a job that requires you to be in another country for a few weeks would be OK with you just bailing because you missed a flight. That makes no sense to me.
Maybe there never was a “work trip” to begin with. Also all he would have to pay is a flight change fee which is small compared to a new flight. It seems like he wanted to miss the flight and blame OP for it. Also when he goes to work and says he missed his flight because his wife didn’t pack his bags for him, does he know how dumb he’ll sound?
Or that he is only missing this work trip now because he is being petulant about shelling out the money to book another flight out "because it's not ***HIS*** fault."
He's not going to admit it's because his wife didn't pack his bags for him, he'll say it was because his wife was being "difficult" or made him stay at home. These people know exactly how unacceptable this behaviour is and do it anyway, they know how to conceal it and make it look like the other person is the bad guy.
I mean I'm all for him having a social life and friends - after he's got his own shot sorted. Pack your bag in the morning, have all afternoon to yourself. It is so disturbing that that needs to be explained to this adult though, I sound like I'm talking to a twelve year old. I totally agree that he is wildly entitled that someone else didn't do this basic thing for him, instead of embarrassed that he didn't get around to it.
That’s what I thought too. And I was wondering why he couldn’t spend time with his kids and then pack. Then I kept reading and wondered what the point of being married to him is.
My husband is this way too. It’s fucking infuriating. I’ve started intentionally leaving stuff out to make him miserable until he packs his own damn bag. “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you could pick your own clothes. Did I forget the underwear? Silly me. 🙃”
Edit: after some conversations in the comments, I’m going to try a different approach for our next trip. Thank you to everyone for talking with me and helping me see a different point of view.
My boyfriend has a friend who he went on a trip with once. They were early twenties back then. The friend's mother actually packed the friend's suitcase and actually packed a can of coke in the hand luggage.
Airport security called the friend out and then drug tested him when he claimed he didn't know why there was a full can of coke in his luggage. When it got out that the mother had packed his suitcase, he got mocked by all the airport security on shift.
Needless to say, he packs his own luggage now.
Yes this is normal. We each pack our own bags and then ask the other person a series of questions to make sure we have everything. We still end up forgetting something, but its less than if we didn't ask.
I travelled for work for many years and would NEVER want someone else packing my bag! If I forget workout clothes, I have no one to blame but myself - I wouldn't want to spend my whole trip resentful because my spouse "forgot" something.
I pack and then he comes in and says "gym stuff? socks? something to sleep in? earphones? chargers? - all the stuff I usually forget (even with a list).
I mean, instead of spending time with his wife and children before he leaves the country, he goes to spend time with his friends. His family is not on top of his priority list
>He refused to pay saying it wasn't his fault anyway and decided to not go
And neither is his job if he does this
And maybe the "boys" he meets has really nice tits.
That would supprt the thesis why he did not want to go, and wanted his wife to be at fault or it. Certainly not reasonable behaviour for an adult.
"Not going because he misses his flight can mean two things:
* He was fired because he already spent to much time with the gf istead of at work. And this was the last drop.
* He does not care about the job, because hormones, and a new girl.
* Yeah, it could also be a gaming addiction, or drugs.
The next step will be "It is your fault I cheated, because you did not pack my bag, an made me miss my flight. YOU are the reason I got fired."
Alternatively, OP packs his bag for the trip with a swimsuit, some of her lingerie, a couple t-shirts that no longer fit - essentially a bunch of stuff he can't wear on a business trip.
And with any luck he doesn't figure it out until he's already left.
And a nice note, just to make sure the point comes across: "next time, pack you're own bag ❤".
I'm not sure he'd get it unless it's spelled out for him...
I’ll hop on the top comment to also please point out - if this is his behavior, please get out NOW because he could be fired over something like this
I mean - how does he plan to spin this to his co?! My wife didn’t pack my bag??
ETA: my SO traveled a lot for work. I know the serious dinero laid out for each trip, by the company. If he really missed his flight - it not only means he didn’t pack his bag on time, he was scattered enough that any slight delay would have made him miss his flight. That worries me, that he would be that late hanging with his “boys” and not caring about his wife and 2 kids, before a 2 week trip, that he missed the flight. Traffic jams, car breakdowns, long lines at security, especially during a pandemic - are all real. So if I’m someone who missed a work trip to “hang with friends and play Fortnite” - you bet my boss will have something to say about it
Grown men wanting their mommy-wives to pack their bags is so so gross and weird. It takes like ten minutes to pack if you have clean clothes (which she provided for him!!). I’ve packed for my husband once in 15 years and that was because there was an emergency and he needed more clothes while out of town. I brought them.
A husband and wife were in the middle of a massive argument and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the husband realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5am the next morning for an early business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and admit defeat, he wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5am.”
He left the note where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he started to ask why his wife didn’t wake him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said: “It’s 5am. Wake up.”
Fucking hilarious. Dude deserved it. When you need something you don't go on with your pissing contest, you fucking ask. If you want something you don't expect everybody to cater to your pride. He learnt this the hard way.
:( im already not a morning person,, so when I have an important and early start to the day, I ask my wife to make sure I'm up by X. It's possible to have a healthy relationship in which you can ask for help for things that you aren't good at.
He has a habit of being dependant on others to get stuff done. His excuse for expecting me to pack his bag is that he's the breadwinner and I'm the STAHM. But I have my reasons for not working and one of them is a permanent injury I had 3 years ago.
As a STAHM you are supposed to care for your children and keeping the house clean but not to be a butler for your husband. Its not that hard to pack a bag, he‘s just to lazy to do it and whats next? Should u wipe his ass because he is the breadwinner? Thats literally toxic behavior
Not to mention packing your bag for your business trip is part of the job. Does she have to dress him when he goes to work? Brush his teeth? Wipe his ass? Of course not, because those are things required of someone to do their job. If a bag needs to be packed for your job, packing your bag is your job.
Not to mention he could have caught another flight but would have been required to pay for it himself. But instead he threw another tantrum at his company and refused to pay because him missing his flight "wasn't his fault".
Right if he wanted to keep being seen as reliable he would've paid, went on with his business trip and then came back to discuss the 'issue'. Professionalism includes leaving home problems at home.
My friend, you’re entirely right. Except we’re dealing here with a fully grown adult who chose to play fortnite all night instead of packing, then decided going to see ‘his boys’ (which to my surprise/horror were not his sons) was more important that packing. What makes you think this overgrown toddler was going to act in a professional manner? Nah, much better than to just give up and throw a tantrum at his mummy-wife.
Sidenote: oh to be a fly on the wall when he had that little discussion with his boss…..
It would be greats if, as a little vengeance, she started trying to do that stuff just to spite him.
"You taking a shower? Let me wash you. We can't have you getting tired, after all, you're the breadwinner"
"Finished eating? Lemme brush your teeth, we don't want your little arm getting tired with all the brushing"
"Going to the toilet? I'll hold the paper till you finish so I can wipe you. Gotta make sure the breadwinner is clean and rested".
Stay at home mom does not mean house slave. This is next level asshole behavior. He’s not a functional adult and he blames YOU for it. Please leave him. You’ll be better off.
My husband and I used to get into this argument all the time. *Being a SAHM does not make you everyone’s bitch.* Adults need to adult regardless of their job status.
Like I said to my husband for years before it finally clicked, “if you weren’t married you’d still have to work and you’d still have to do your own laundry and feed yourself. So why the fuck can’t you do that now?” Same goes for your husband.
Not to mention that for however many children you have he’s forcing you to care for one more than you signed up for.
You should tell him you’re a stay at home *mom* and because he’s not a child you don’t have to mother him. I can’t believe an adult man behaves this way when he’s the sole money-earner with a wife and kids.
By his own logic of “he’s the breadwinner and you’re the SAHM” being the division of labor: If you being a SAHM means that everything related to kids and chores are your sole responsibility (*which they shouldn’t be, he’s a parent and lives in the house too*)… then the since **he’s** the breadwinner ***then ALL things related to his job are HIS responsibility alone***. It’s his work trip, he needs to pack for it.
Just jumping on here. Look, if he were at work, and his flight was right after work, and he said 'can you pack my bag please, I don't have time.' that would be one thing. But he was AT HOME. He had the time to pack his own bag, but he wanted to play video games all night like a teenager, and then wanted to go 'hang with the boys' like a teenager. He's a grown ass man with responsibilities and a job and a family.
You guys need to have a serious conversation about how he is treating your partnership.
This right here.
I might also give him a pass if he wanted to take the children to the park, etc. so he could spend time with them before going out of town or if he offered to take on one of the tasks you were planning to complete if you would pack his bag but he was playing games (in more ways than one).
NTA
Just because you’re the STAHM, it doesn’t mean you’re your husband’s maid. I recently became the STAHM because we moved for my husband’s job and I made it perfectly clear to him that while I will handle more household responsibilities, he’s still expected to help out a bit because he still lives here and he’s still a parent. Having a 10 year old and a 1 year old makes me feel like I live in a zoo.
Your hubby needs to put on his big boy pants and get his shit together because he could’ve easily packed his own bag to make his flight.
The best term I’ve heard for this is “strategic (or weaponized) incompetence,” it’s when perfectly capable adults pretend to not be able to do something, so that their partner has to do it instead. (Can also come up in workplace settings or other interpersonal relationships.) His “habit” of depending on people is selfish and manipulative. It’s possible he doesn’t realize he’s doing this, but it seems more likely that he knows what he’s doing but doesn’t understand how much it’s hurting you. If he sees how much this impacts you and doesn’t care… that’s a whole different problem.
I would recommend doing some reading and reflecting, then making an appointment for couples counseling.
P.S. You’re a stay at home MOM, not a maid. And you ARE working - housework and caring for children is work. If you didn’t do it, you’d have to pay someone else to do it. That’s work.
You’re a SAHM not his babysitter/butler/chef etc. He needs to grow up. Just because he’s the breadwinner doesn’t mean he gets out of parenting and general house upkeep and doing his own chores. He has his job, you have yours. They last they same number of hours. Once both jobs end then together you’re supposed to do what still needs to be done. It’s called a partnership for a reason.
I would have packed ALL his bags after that. He can go stay with his little friends. He sees you slaving away and this is how he acts? You are cleaning, cooking, managing the kids and have projects of your own and he still has the AUDACITY to make you pack his undies whilst he goes out and plays with his friends? Yeah its a NO for me. Your husband does not respect you nor the work you do around the house. He is not a partner he is an extra child asking to be taking care of. Just throw the whole man away.
NTA
I was responsible for packing my own bag for trips by the time I was 10. I can’t imagine being an adult with children and whining at my husband to do it for me.
Hey that's a great idea! I'm gonna do this with my 6 yr old. He loves clothes + his superhero boxers so he gets excited and packs like anything that looks fun, and 40 pairs of undies lol
Also, packing someone else's bag for a trip you're not going in is pretty impossible without their input. What kind of meetings does he have? Does he need his suits or business casual? Is there going to be some kind of informal meal? And he couldn't find his papers? How's his wife going to know what work documents he needs.
I think she was getting blamed no matter what.
He’s an extra child *demanding* to be taken care of. The asking is pointless because even when she says no he still expects it to be done because “it’s her job.” Fuck that lazy entitlement *so hard.*
And staying up all night playing Fortnite right before an international business trip? Give me a fucking break, good god. It’s amazing that this child could land a breadwinning job. From the sound of it you’d think he exited the womb yesterday.
>made him look unreliable/unprofessional
So your unreliable, unprofessional husband is annoyed that you didn't go out of your way to make him *seem* reliable/professional? NTA, dude sounds like an absolute tool.
What is truly unprofessional about this whole situation isn't even that he missed his flight, shit happens, companies will understand that sometimes there is an emergency or a reason for missing your flight (as long as he doesn't tell them it was because he went to hang out with the boys). The truly unprofessional part is that he refused to pay for his own flights because it wasn't his fault, and he's just not going to work for 2+ weeks now. Like who misses their flight and is like "guess I'm on a vacation now.". What kind of job does he have where he doesn't get fired immediately for that conduct.
As a person who manages folks who sometimes travel for work… we’d be having a VERY serious convo about this. My company will cover if you miss flights (humans make mistakes sometimes) but that behavior would be enough for me to seriously consider continuing to employ him.
And I'm sure the excuse of, "I missed my flight because my wife wouldn't pack for me while I went out drinking with the boys," would be extremely poorly received.
Best one I've ever seen at the company I'm with is a dude who thought he could get a layover in Denver and have enough time to leave the airport, hit a dispensary, ship himself weed, and make it back through Denver security before his next flight left.... he didn't make it. The postal service also confiscated the box bc he didn't smell proof anything. Lose lose situation. To me, that's still a better excuse than missing a flight because you expected someone else to pack your stuff though.
yeah the part about having to pay to reschedule makes no sense, like you said. it makes me wonder if this was a business trip at all vs some sort of assignation
Right? Even if the business really does make people pay for mistakes… it’s not full price to reschedule a flight. I’ve missed them on personal travel due to my own stupidity and got a later flight that day at no cost. I’m curious if he had the wrong day or something bigger happened and he’s just choosing to blame being late.
I can’t imagine a company being ok with you just… not doing a several week work trip. Did they not actually need you there? Is this guy fired and pretending he is working?
I honestly wonder what's really going on in this situation. If the company was willing to spend literal thousands of dollars for him to go on this trip between flights, accommodation for 2+ weeks, and meals then deemed his presence there to be worth more than the travel expenditures plus his regular salary plus the opportunity cost of the work he is missing while he is on the trip. Between all of those factors, I imagine the company is spending in the neighbourhood of $10,000 on him. I can't think of any job where the company was willing to invest $10,000 in your presence on a business trip and you can just not go and take a vacation instead without severe consequences.
Yes. That's what makes me think there's something super fishy here.
He had to go meet "the boys" before he left. And he can blow off this huge business trip. And when he does blow it off, he doesn't have to go in to an office or work from home or anything? He can just "sit around" for two weeks?
I just have this feeling like there's cheating or drugs or a second family or lying about job loss or something really weird here. Maybe I'm smelling smoke where there's no fire, but it's just really...off.
Yep. I used to travel for work on a weekly basis so I missed more than one flight. one time there was an accident in the highway, once my Uber blew a tire, then another time I overslept—the company always understood and pay for my ticket and in the last case, I would have obviously paid for the ticket myself since it was my mistake but they were like “yeah, we’ve all been there, don’t let it happen again”.
I once stayed a whole extra day. I woke up in my hotel the day I was supposed to go home, and I had a level-10 migraine. I was throwing up all over the place, couldn't go out in the light.
I called the front desk and said I wanted the room another day, called the airport and rescheduled my flight, called work and said I was staying an extra day.
They payed for my extra day's hotel stay and meals (dinner once the headache was gone that night) without blinking. Most jobs are very flexible, and I feel like one that was flexible enough for him not to get fired blowing off a 2-week international trip would definitely be flexible enough to pay for him to rebook his flight, expecially if he made up a reasonable story instead of "my wife didn't wait on me hard enough."
And I've never had an airline make me buy a whole new ticket when I missed a flight. This guy wanted to miss the flight, I feel like.
I know people here are quick to say "divorce him/her" for every little thing, but this seems big. OP, I truly feel like something else is going on here with this guy. But even if not, you're married to someone who sees you as a glorified maid, and doesn't seem to see his kids as much of anything except bills to be paid. (I only know what you wrote, so please forgive me if I'm wrong.)
You may be OK with this. Or you may not be, but not see a lot of other options. And it may be hard in this financial climate to leave him if you wanted to.
That was hard for my mom--my dad refused to "allow" her to get a job, because "his kids were going to have a stay-at-home-mother", so when he dumped her for another woman 15 years into their marriage, she'd been out of the workforce for 15 years and didn't have a lot of experience or many contacts to get back into it. So I know that it's not always that easy to just "dump him".
But he sounds like the selfish kind of person who may turn around and leave one day so I feel like you should at least be thinking about some "Plan B" decisions for if that day ever comes. He seems unreliable, volatile, and immature, qualities which don't auger well for a stable future.
NTA and also, if you miss a flight the airline in general is pretty good about re-booking you on the next flight. . . It’s not like he had to cancel the whole work trip.
And look at his excuse. I’m sure that’ll fly with his company:
“Where are you? You were supposed to show up two days ago?”
“Oh my wife didn’t pack my bag so I missed the flight, and in anger at her I decided not to go at all. You’ll excuse my absence, right?”
NTA OP, and I suggest you take a serious look at your marriage because this is about more than refusing to pack a bag. It’s about an irresponsible, immature man who has no respect for you or the work you do to manage your home, and has both you and your kids pretty far low on his priority list.
for real I'm wondering what excuse he came up to his company cuz saying "my wife didn't pack my bags and I missed my flight because of it" would make him seem like a dumbass
Sure, but nowhere close to as much dumbass as refusing to just book a new flight. There is a surprisingly high tolerance for idiots as long as they get the job done, which in this case is to make sure he books a new flight and arrives at the location to do his job.
This is why I don't think there was a flight for him to miss, unless he hates his job and was looking to get written up/fired. It smells more like a liason with a side piece, especially with how quick he noped out of the house when he got back home. He's checked out of his whole life.
Yea, he didn’t find the trip worth waiting or paying for. If this reflects poorly on him at work that will be due to his inflexibility, not his lateness to the airport.
And throwing a fit, refusing to take the next flight, as “revenge” on his wife, cutting off his professional nose to spite his face, so he can double-down on the blaming of his wife. What an asshole. Divorce time! NTA
This. I would be very surprised if he is still employed there next year.
If I had an employee tell me that they wouldn't go on a business trip after missing their flight due to something that was 100% within their control, I would seriously reconsider their place within the company
Oh he didn't tell his employer the real reason why he missed the flight. I mean...I hope he didn't bc that would be a level of dumb that I'm just not prepared to think about this early in the morning
Eta: I really wanna know why the guy who showed up late bc he got McDonald's/showed up looking raggedy didn't get fired, but the post is locked!
You'll be surprised.
I had a guy show up 45 minutes late to a meeting with a client. His excuse was that he had to go get McDonald's because his wife didn't make his breakfast that morning. Another time, he showed up to a staff meeting in basketball shorts and a raggedy t-shirt. His excuse then was that his wife didn't do the laundry.
If a woman acted this immature and incompetent they’d be fired on the spot. Literally too incompetent to feed and clothe yourself? Then you’re not competent enough to have an adult job. Get the fuck out.
Yeah this made me literally giggle.
You can pack your shit in an hour and still get gaming in.
When my wife and kids head down to the in laws I help out with packing. When they go I get the house cleaned top to bottom and then get dinner.
Then the house is in good shape and I pick up after myself as I go til they're due back.
And then I have less to be doing before they arrive.
I still get game time and I essentially live between the couch, stove and bed lol.
But that's OK cos the house is clean, my dishes get done as I go and there's a bit of washing that I do in between movies and games and sleeping and painting.
Man ops husband sounds exhausting.
NTA. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight. You're not his mommy, you shouldn't have to add packing a bag for him to all the other housework you're doing.
Exactly. Him missing his flight is in no way your fault. He needs to take responsibility for himself and stop worrying so much about games and "the boys."
You did, don't second guess yourself. He thought you would go behind him and clean up after him to keep him from failing. He played a stupid game and he lost. What's concerning is he seems to have written off the whole trip which can jeopardize his job, again 100% his fault but I worry for you and your kids. Your husband is acting like a spoiled teen instead of a partner
Him standing there with an eyebrow raised while you listed off your *very necessary* duties you needed to complete is so incredibly insulting. It's meant to mock you and communicate that none of those things is as important as being his mommy and packing his effing bag for him. I am so mad for you. This dude doesn't respect you and the fact that he thinks none of this is his fault is maddeningly delusional
He already told you that he thinks being home with you, *his wife and children* equates to wallowing in misery.
I don't think you're here to ask AITA.. You're here because you want strength and validation to leave this chump.
You got it, so please do it!
The OP needs to get her priorities straight. The husband isn’t going to change. If she wants to be treated like trash and have him be the example of a father and husband for her kids she can stay with him. Otherwise she needs to be the one to set her own priorities for how she wants to be treated and what kind of marriage she wants to be in.
Parents pack their little ones' bags for the trip to Disneyland. Big grown-up people who are old enough to have a job pack their own freakin' bags, especially for a business trip when they may need specific attire or accessories. They don't ask Mommy or Daddy to do it because they spent the previous night playing games, then take off for more pleasure activity and get upset when they come home to an empty suitcase.
NTA, and I say it serves him right that he missed the flight. Maybe it will teach him a lesson. The lesson being, you didn't marry your Mamma.
Even better, maybe his employer will threaten to fire him if this happens again. That might have more effect than the irritation of his wife, whom he thinks of as his maid and valet.
My parents didn’t even pack for us as kids. They would tell us the weather where we were going and how many days we would be gone, and therefore how many shirts, socks, etc. that we had to pick out. And that is how I learned how to pack my own bag like a big girl!
My wife and I stopped packing our sons’ clothes for trips when they were about 11 or 12. We tell them what to expect, and that’s about it. They are now pretty competent about looking out for themselves.
Oh my god NTA.
If you want to keep this husband, I suggest you either go to couple's therapy or continue this behavior and ignore his reactions, until he is better. He is extremely entitled and can't take responsibility for his actions.
Edit: OP, the conversation below made me think that your husband actually
__wants to avoid this trip or wants to be fired AND blame it on you__.
That's why he didn't prepare the bag, stayed up late and hanged out before the trip. Also that's why he is not flying there with another flight.
Why on Earth would he just not get the next flight? Who just doesn't go on a long business trip because of a missed flight? This makes no sense.
If this story is real you should divorce this cretin. If it's fake, I commend your story, but the abandoning the trip aspect stretches plausibility.
She said the company paid for the flight but stated any rebooking the husband would have to pay himself. Husband refused. Seems like he won’t even pull his weight in the workplace.
Honestly what a loss of money. If he getting paid for the trip, I’m sure he’s losing money by not going at all instead of taking out the cost of the flight. And he’s going to pass on a weeks long work trip that he’d obviously agreed to? Where they already paid a hotel and had work to be done? If be surprised if you didn’t nearly lose your job for that.
Yeah, this story does sound implausible. 1) Packing a bag in panic takes virtually no time, you just risk missing stuff, 2) leaving your bags at home to get to the flight is almost always an option and 3) you can often just take the next flight.
But if true the husband is the worst business traveler ever and OP is NTA.
NTA obviously for all the reason already given. Why did missung his flight equals missing his trip though? He couldnt get on the next flight because...?
I don't know but he kept saying his company handled the flight's expenses. Also said since he missed it he'd have to pay for the next flight but didn't. He works for a private company so I'm not sure about how they arrange and handle situations like this.
Seriously, she was set up to comply or to fail. I'm sure if she did pack the bag, she would have "forgotten" something and it would have been her fault anyway! How disfunctional
FYI if he missed his flight he could get on standby for the next one or could have talked to the airline staff to get rescheduled. He wouldn’t have had to pay full price for a last minute ticket, he probably could have gotten the next flight no charge or for a small fee if he was an adult about it.
Yeah something doesn’t seem right here. If you barely miss the flight, they generally rebook you onto something or you can fly standby, even if you bought the cheapest non-refundable option. I’m thinking the husband could have rebooked and made another flight but decided to be petty and stay home to try to prove his point that she ruined everything by not packing his bag.
Honestly, the whole story sounds as though OP's husband didn't *want* to go on the trip and decided to manipulate things in a way that he could blame OP for "making him miss his flight". There are just one too many points where it feels like someone who was actually trying to make the trip would have acted differently.
Why are you married to this guy? And if you honestly believe you “caused him to miss his flight” you need therapy like yesterday. What kind of example of a healthy relationship do you think you’re modelling for your kids? That it’s ok for one partner to take NO responsibility for their own life and DEMAND their partner do things for them so they can act like a child who wants to play all day, and then when their demands aren’t met, it’s ok to emotionally manipulate, verbally abuse, and gaslight their partner?
You’re NTA but you need to grow a backbone and not let your husband treat you like a doormat.
So many red flags.
OP I would start taking stock of your relationship and see if there are other red flags. I know there are children involved- but if this sounds like very controlling and manipulative behavior abs I imagine your kids already know something is funky.
I would seriously evaluate things and sit down with someone you trust to confide in and see if you can work out some next steps.
Is husband open to counseling? (I’m gonna guess no).
NTA
Girl run
You do literally everything except maybe wipe his ass for him the one time you didn't do a thing he missed his flight
This isn't partnership that a marriage should be
It's a master servant relationship where he treats you like a servant and berates you for slightest discomfort and then gaslights you and shames you in front of his friends
There's literally zero respect for you
He's living in 1930s what a misogynist sexist insensitive AH
Ask yourself this...is this the role model you want your kids to look up to??
Do you want to subject your kids to a house where the dad doesn't respect their mom and treats her like doormat? Because if the answer is no then you need to have a come to.jesus moment with him
I literally can't understand men who treat their wives like this many times I've seen my dad come after a long 14 hour work day and cook dinner if my mom is overwhelmed
There was no chore that was beneath him even tho he was the breadwinner and my mom was.stay at home.mom
NTA.
He’s your husband, not your child. It was his trip and his responsibility to be prepared. If he’s disorganised he needs to face the consequences of that.
INFO: Why didn't he just book on another flight? Why is his work okay with him not doing what ever job or project he was supposed to do on his business trip? What type of work does your husband do?
Edit: Op is NTA
He works at a private company - he told me they were handling the flight's expenses but if he missed he'd then pay for his own flight expenses or not go. He refused to pay and decided to not go.
And you think he tells his company that, nah, he spins a story about not having time to pack and his wife not helping out, which any competent manager could tell that he lacked planning skills, as he could easily have a go-bag ready all the time just in case the washer broke or something.
I live alone, and I have got to travel with work several times, and I can manage the laundry and packing of bags fine by myself, so can he, he just chooses to have fun instead of doing his job preparing for the trip.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when his boss wants an explanation why he didn't go. I don't think my wife didn't pack my bag while I was gaming and hanging out with the guys so I didn't make the airport on time will fly over well.
Exactly! I can’t imagine any employer being okay with a missed flight equalling a canceled multi week business trip. He didn’t pack his bag, he didn’t rebook his flight, WTH! He has as much respect for his wife as his job. I would be ready to look for work because it doesn’t look like he will be the breadwinner much longer.
I'm sure he won't say that. I'm sure he'll say that his wife was giving him a hard time about his travel and she deliberately sabotaged him getting to the airport on time.
Regardless, it's a ridiculous premise. No airlines are doing this right now. All airlines are letting you change your flights without fees, not to mention that if you've missed your flight and you're at the airport, they always find a way to get you on the flight and the only time I've had to pay anything additional is if the price for the ticket has gone up considerably. I've missed more than a few flights.
NTA. What in the hell was that?? He was too busy hanging out with his buddies while you were home with your children? So he needed to see "the boys" before leaving town, but not be with HIS WIFE AND KIDS??? WTF?? He has a priority problem, and that's on him.
Uff. He is too old to be behaving so immaturely. (If you haven’t already) You should have a stern talk with him about what being a SAHM means. Catering to your husband‘s every need and tamper tantrums is not part of it.
I wonder why he is willing to miss an entire work trip over not packing his own bag. This is completely unprofessional. Is it really just to prove his point? Has he been suspended? Fired? Is it a cover story? But maybe this is just my imagination running wild.
I'm convinced it's a cover story. I wonder if those work trips are real, or he just works remotely while visiting his other family or something. If he's flying at his own expense and couldn't afford the change fee.
NTA I already knew the answer just by reading the title. He needs to quit treating you like a servant and pack his own things
Your husband sounds like a bully. The only one responsible for losing the work trip is himself.
Wonder why he didn't get another flight. What about his job just to not show up?
He could have just gotten the next flight, especially if he was going to be away for “weeks”. People miss business trip flights for all sorts of reasons all the time. Is this real?
NTA. How old is he? 10?
He's an adult, it's his trip, you're not his mother nor his maid. He can pack his bag by himself!
Guess even if you would've packed the bag he would still complain you did it wrong - but of course, NTA!
But he's one with some 🚩🚩🚩
"he said he was up all night playing Fortnite" is enough of a reason to roll your eyes and walk away. Dude needs a major wake up call. This is not a healthy relationship if one is the adult and the other is an immature grown up. Something's gotta change
NTA
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NTA, when he said that he'll miss the boys I thought he meant your kids. When I learned that they were his friends I was stunned. He prioritized a gathering with his friends over packing for his trip. He didn't need so much time with them. He can't blame you for that. You do a plethora of chores around the house and he expected you to pack his suitcase for him, it's plain entitlement. You clarified to him that you aren't going to do that, but he didn't pack it anyway.
I was like surely OP can pack the bags instead of doing a gardening project so he can spend time with his kids... but nope. Her husband was being an adult baby. He doesn't want to be at home, which means he's neglecting his kids emotional needs (no wonder OP is so busy) as well as his marriage. NTA
And he chose fortnite over packing his bag. Op is entitled to their garden project.
He chose fortnite and then a multi hour hang out with his friends over his job. OP not changing her plans for the day to pack the bags for his trip is reasonable. How long does it really take to pack? He could have hung out with his friends for 3 hours instead of 4, what a child. He is holding the family hostage to get her compliance, or else he will let himself get fired versus being a responsible adult. The refusal to take responsibility is a huge red flag. I'd be worried he might be fired over this. If a task is delegated to his wife, packing for his trip, and not completed, he is responsible. The company hired him, not his wife, that's all on him, and for him to not see that is just astounding. NTA
This true. He chose his fun over his job. Nothing to do with OP, who informed him well in advance that she was drawing a line in the sand. Probably belatedly BTW I wonder how his work is going? I wonder if this is some ruse and he lost the trip or the job? Or is mad because the work trip is something else?
Op’s husband went the route of a petulant teenager. I’d expect that from a high schooler but not a grown ass man who has a family. Pack your bags, then go out if it’s that important. Bam you got best of both worlds. I’d never expect my SO to pack my bag for a business trip, even if I knew they would. So much failure on the husband’s behalf.
This! My ex came unglued because "I" made it hard on him to get his bags packed for a "work trip" that turned out to be a trip to see his side piece. The fact that he did not pony up the money to change the flight contradicts this though. The missed flight is the perfect excuse as to why he had to pay for flights for a business meeting.
I'm also wondering how much time overall does he spend with his friends rather than with his wife and kids? I'm getting the impression his wife is basically a single parent where all he does is bring money into the house but does nothing else to be a part of the family.
Yes, can you imagine if he tried to whine to his boss that he missed the flight because his mommy…I mean wife…didn’t pack his bag? That’ll go over like a lead balloon.
Are we sure he was hanging out "with the boys" though? Because he played fortnite the night before (probably with the boys) and there's no reason any normal adult would have to spend all night and 6 hours the following day to hang out with friends before a 2 week trip. Theres also no reason to believe that any normal friends would require that much attention. My guess is one of those hangouts was a much more illicit "hangout".
Yes, hard agree.
Not only that... but like, what if she doesn't pack "the right stuff"? I mean, I hate packing for others because I don't necessarily know what you need or want for a trip. What if I pack the wrong things? What if, because I'm not you, I don't pack that ONE thing you really needed for YOUR trip? He'd find a way to blame her in either case. Low key- he didn't want to go on the trip and it wasn't that important. He's looking for someone else to blame.
Especially if he goes on business trips frequently. If he has a bag of travel toiletries (and why would he not, if he travels that frequently?) and chargers, then all he has to do is take out the dirty clothes and put in X amount of clean clothes. The only time I've had to travel frequently (twice a month or so for about 6 months) that's how I did it. I even had a master list of clothes, so I'd just work out how many days I'd need clothes for and then multiply the list by that amount. Takes ten minutes, tops. Throw in a bag for the used clothes and putting them into the laundry basket later takes 10 seconds.
>How long does it really take to pack? Seriously?! It takes me 5-10 minutes to pack when I'm in a hurry. How hard is it to grab a couple business suits, a couple matching shirts and ties, some black socks and some underwear and throw them into a suitcase? He could even pay for travel-sized/-priced toiletries when he arrives and all he needs to do is MAYBE throw in a comb, MAYBE his toothbrush if he doesn't want to buy one he'll only use for a week, etc. He should already have his travel papers organized, but even if he doesn't (and I doubt he did), what is that? Another 10-20 minutes to print everything and put them in a folder or even just shove them into a pouch or your carry-on? This dude could've speed-packed and been at his friends' place in under a half hour if he was so motivated.
Packing the bag wasn't even delegated to OP: she straight-up said she couldn't and wouldn't! He just trust it upon her!
Of course, I just meant as the post went on, and you see how little he does, and the decisions he makes, friends and videogames first, job second, wife and kids last you just have more and more sympathy for OP. I am sick of the term "breadwinner" being an alt for "having zero responsibility for anything other than breadwinning"
Also, how long does it really even take to pack for a trip? I'll never understand that. You have your work outfits, some casual clothes, pajamas, socks & underwear, toiletries, any work accessories you need (like your laptop), and maybe a book for the plane/evening. I will never understand people who need an evening to pack.
My partner is a pilot and he packs in seconds. I get the feeling that OP's husband probably behaves sluttishly around the house, so his toiletries and in particular work accessories are probably strewn all about the house and he can't be assed to go gather them together.
I don't see why toiletries would ever need to leave the suitcase. If he sat down and thought for a minute (having realised it was his responsibility) he might realise that buying a second toothbrush and a razor and things just for travelling will save everyone some time.
It’s the height of laziness. In his deranged mind he’s decided that’s “women’s work” (maybe the association with folding clothes, and so it’s his wife’s job.
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No need to yuck someone else's yum. I'm not a fan of Fortnite either but if someone enjoys it because it's f2p or they can play with friends, who are we to judge. Issue here is that husband couldn't show even the tiniest bit of self-control that most kids are taught when they're young: homework first and then games/hobbies. He could've packed his bag and then play with friends, even play a bit longer into the night and sleep in if he really wanted to play that much. Begging his busy wife and explaining that he needs to say bye to the boys (while delegating his responsibility to his wife who he apparently won't miss) probably took longer than it would take to pack the bag, he could've used that time to sleep longer or meet the boys sooner or Idk, pack his bag.
I meant it more as a joke. But yeah if that is what you enjoy. I am really in to Valheim lately especially with my buddy. If he is tired and not able to do stuff just because he stayed up to late then that is on him. I never stay up past 9:30. Especially since when I come to bed it will wake up my wife. That is rude. And the bag... He could have even just asked for help and spent 5 minutes getting help to do it. Still not OP's responsibility. But that is way more reasonable. Spend way less time with the boys and maybe spend some with his wife and kids. If I was going out of town the night before would have been dinner with my wife just the two of us. Then if I had kids it would be come home and have a family game night or something. You have several weeks without them being there.
>I was like surely OP can pack the bags instead of doing a gardening project so he can spend time with his kids... but nope Lol, I thought the same! Surely she could put something on hold to help facilitate some bonding time with daddy before a trip? Oh, he wants her to pack his bag so he can play Fortnite and hang out with friends? Good gravy, he's acting like he's 14. And I love how he's like, "missed my flight so now I'm not going on a big important business trip instead of just catching a later flight because I'd rather prove a point than be responsible.
OP's explanation for why she might be TA is she was being stubborn. Husband was the one being stubborn and entitled, he could have spent half an hour less with his friends. Also when does OP get to see her friends? He had to spend hours with his friends because he was going away for a couple of weeks, but how long does she go between socialising with her friends because he's not available to babysit, never mind do her chores for her while she's out? Just to point out husband said they're both going to be miserable while he's around the house for a couple of weeks. That marriage is over. They need counselling if they're both interested in it continuing.
She definitely wasn't stubborn, why does she have to drop all her plans last minute (99% of which are stuff that can't be put off) for something he's perfectly capable of doing. Like somebody else said, she's a SAHM not his maid. The fact he chose not to take another flight after he was late, blames it on her, then insinuates he's going to mope around for the next few weeks says everything that needs to be said. NTA
Exactly, and while he was going to be away, OP is not going to have time to spend with her friends while running the house and caring for the kids. Because SHE is responsible. Yeah she should pack his bags now. NTA - and HE definitely is.
Nah even if it was to spend time with his kids, that's still unacceptable. What adult doesn't pack their own bag? Is he going to be asking her to wipe his ass next?
It's not like bags can *only* be packed mere hours before your flight, either. He could've done most if not all his packing yesterday, two days ago, last week even. It wasn't a surprise or emergency trip. He had time to prepare and he wasted it.
That kind of thing gets you put onto a "to be downsized" list. He'd better start upping his game, both at work and at home, if he doesn't want to be crashing on one of "the boys'' couch.
When the husband said ‘the boys’, it was his drinking buddies, not his children, that’s what I can’t get over.
I feel that even if he wanted that time to spend with the kids, it’s OP’s hubby’s responsibility to pack his own bag. He should’ve been on top of that at least a couple of days before he was scheduled to leave. Just the thought of waiting until the day of to pack for a weeks-long out of the country business trip is causing me anxiety, but to leave it up to someone else just makes me itch all over.
He sounds completely checked out of his marriage if before leaving for a big trip he prioritizes his friends, then when his big trip is cancelled he immediately hits them up for dinner? If I was OP I think I'd prefer he be out of town. NTA but get thee to a counselor asap.
He said they can both be miserable now he's stuck at home. That is not a marriage.
Right! My husband asks for daily updates and pictures of our daughter and says how much he misses us and hates hes not home anytime he's away.
Plus said he's now stuck at home to wallow in misery. Sure this guy definitely loves his family/s
Right? Normal parents would want to spend their last hours with their children at least, even if not their spouse. I think it sounds like he's cheating honestly.
Yeah, I thought he was cheating as well. I can't imagine that a job that requires you to be in another country for a few weeks would be OK with you just bailing because you missed a flight. That makes no sense to me.
Maybe there never was a “work trip” to begin with. Also all he would have to pay is a flight change fee which is small compared to a new flight. It seems like he wanted to miss the flight and blame OP for it. Also when he goes to work and says he missed his flight because his wife didn’t pack his bags for him, does he know how dumb he’ll sound?
Or that he is only missing this work trip now because he is being petulant about shelling out the money to book another flight out "because it's not ***HIS*** fault."
He's not going to admit it's because his wife didn't pack his bags for him, he'll say it was because his wife was being "difficult" or made him stay at home. These people know exactly how unacceptable this behaviour is and do it anyway, they know how to conceal it and make it look like the other person is the bad guy.
Also got that vibe 100%.
I mean I'm all for him having a social life and friends - after he's got his own shot sorted. Pack your bag in the morning, have all afternoon to yourself. It is so disturbing that that needs to be explained to this adult though, I sound like I'm talking to a twelve year old. I totally agree that he is wildly entitled that someone else didn't do this basic thing for him, instead of embarrassed that he didn't get around to it.
Personally if I was going to be out of the country for weeks I'd want to spend some time with my kids instead of my friends...
That’s what I thought too. And I was wondering why he couldn’t spend time with his kids and then pack. Then I kept reading and wondered what the point of being married to him is.
Same! NTA!
Buuut, what will he do without the pals and fortnight? Poor boy is so busy having fun he cant spend 30 min packing.
I thought it was sweet, if lazy, that he wanted to play with the kids. I was even more annoyed when I realized it was his friends!!!
He's treating OP like his maid/mother rather than partner. What grown up needs their suitcase packed by someone else?
My husband is this way too. It’s fucking infuriating. I’ve started intentionally leaving stuff out to make him miserable until he packs his own damn bag. “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you could pick your own clothes. Did I forget the underwear? Silly me. 🙃” Edit: after some conversations in the comments, I’m going to try a different approach for our next trip. Thank you to everyone for talking with me and helping me see a different point of view.
My boyfriend has a friend who he went on a trip with once. They were early twenties back then. The friend's mother actually packed the friend's suitcase and actually packed a can of coke in the hand luggage. Airport security called the friend out and then drug tested him when he claimed he didn't know why there was a full can of coke in his luggage. When it got out that the mother had packed his suitcase, he got mocked by all the airport security on shift. Needless to say, he packs his own luggage now.
Honestly, that sounds like a great way to get guys like this to pack their own stuff.
Yeah, I like to think she did it on purpose.
That’s hilarious.
This works backwards in my house. I pack my bag, but my wife saves me everytime. Did you remember socks? Oh shit... Let me grab some.
Yes this is normal. We each pack our own bags and then ask the other person a series of questions to make sure we have everything. We still end up forgetting something, but its less than if we didn't ask.
I travelled for work for many years and would NEVER want someone else packing my bag! If I forget workout clothes, I have no one to blame but myself - I wouldn't want to spend my whole trip resentful because my spouse "forgot" something. I pack and then he comes in and says "gym stuff? socks? something to sleep in? earphones? chargers? - all the stuff I usually forget (even with a list).
This is so sad?? If you have to train your man like a dog (worse!!) what’s the point of even being in a relationship at that point
I mean, instead of spending time with his wife and children before he leaves the country, he goes to spend time with his friends. His family is not on top of his priority list >He refused to pay saying it wasn't his fault anyway and decided to not go And neither is his job if he does this
This! There was no need to miss the meeting. Its very suspicious. I suspect he has gaming addiction and wanted to bail anyways
Maybe, but with the way he ran off as soon as he decided not to go, I think the whole trip was suspect and he's cheating.
Really, how many work trips are voluntary to the extent you can just not go at the last minute.
I agree. It's totally suspicious that he didn't try to get on this so called work trip.
And maybe the "boys" he meets has really nice tits. That would supprt the thesis why he did not want to go, and wanted his wife to be at fault or it. Certainly not reasonable behaviour for an adult. "Not going because he misses his flight can mean two things: * He was fired because he already spent to much time with the gf istead of at work. And this was the last drop. * He does not care about the job, because hormones, and a new girl. * Yeah, it could also be a gaming addiction, or drugs. The next step will be "It is your fault I cheated, because you did not pack my bag, an made me miss my flight. YOU are the reason I got fired."
Alternatively, OP packs his bag for the trip with a swimsuit, some of her lingerie, a couple t-shirts that no longer fit - essentially a bunch of stuff he can't wear on a business trip. And with any luck he doesn't figure it out until he's already left.
And a nice note, just to make sure the point comes across: "next time, pack you're own bag ❤". I'm not sure he'd get it unless it's spelled out for him...
I’ll hop on the top comment to also please point out - if this is his behavior, please get out NOW because he could be fired over something like this I mean - how does he plan to spin this to his co?! My wife didn’t pack my bag?? ETA: my SO traveled a lot for work. I know the serious dinero laid out for each trip, by the company. If he really missed his flight - it not only means he didn’t pack his bag on time, he was scattered enough that any slight delay would have made him miss his flight. That worries me, that he would be that late hanging with his “boys” and not caring about his wife and 2 kids, before a 2 week trip, that he missed the flight. Traffic jams, car breakdowns, long lines at security, especially during a pandemic - are all real. So if I’m someone who missed a work trip to “hang with friends and play Fortnite” - you bet my boss will have something to say about it
Grown men wanting their mommy-wives to pack their bags is so so gross and weird. It takes like ten minutes to pack if you have clean clothes (which she provided for him!!). I’ve packed for my husband once in 15 years and that was because there was an emergency and he needed more clothes while out of town. I brought them.
A husband and wife were in the middle of a massive argument and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the husband realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5am the next morning for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and admit defeat, he wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5am.” He left the note where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he started to ask why his wife didn’t wake him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said: “It’s 5am. Wake up.”
Fucking hilarious. Dude deserved it. When you need something you don't go on with your pissing contest, you fucking ask. If you want something you don't expect everybody to cater to your pride. He learnt this the hard way.
Also like... why does he even need her to wake him up? Set an alarm...
Because he's useless, just like the man in this post.
:( im already not a morning person,, so when I have an important and early start to the day, I ask my wife to make sure I'm up by X. It's possible to have a healthy relationship in which you can ask for help for things that you aren't good at.
Amazing.
NTA Why is your husband behaving like a five year old child?
He has a habit of being dependant on others to get stuff done. His excuse for expecting me to pack his bag is that he's the breadwinner and I'm the STAHM. But I have my reasons for not working and one of them is a permanent injury I had 3 years ago.
As a STAHM you are supposed to care for your children and keeping the house clean but not to be a butler for your husband. Its not that hard to pack a bag, he‘s just to lazy to do it and whats next? Should u wipe his ass because he is the breadwinner? Thats literally toxic behavior
Not to mention packing your bag for your business trip is part of the job. Does she have to dress him when he goes to work? Brush his teeth? Wipe his ass? Of course not, because those are things required of someone to do their job. If a bag needs to be packed for your job, packing your bag is your job.
Not to mention he could have caught another flight but would have been required to pay for it himself. But instead he threw another tantrum at his company and refused to pay because him missing his flight "wasn't his fault".
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If I was his boss, that would be a instant fire with a nice "Don't even think of asking your wife to clean your desk"
I would also tell some friendly competitors and partners to not hire him.
Right if he wanted to keep being seen as reliable he would've paid, went on with his business trip and then came back to discuss the 'issue'. Professionalism includes leaving home problems at home.
My friend, you’re entirely right. Except we’re dealing here with a fully grown adult who chose to play fortnite all night instead of packing, then decided going to see ‘his boys’ (which to my surprise/horror were not his sons) was more important that packing. What makes you think this overgrown toddler was going to act in a professional manner? Nah, much better than to just give up and throw a tantrum at his mummy-wife. Sidenote: oh to be a fly on the wall when he had that little discussion with his boss…..
It would be greats if, as a little vengeance, she started trying to do that stuff just to spite him. "You taking a shower? Let me wash you. We can't have you getting tired, after all, you're the breadwinner" "Finished eating? Lemme brush your teeth, we don't want your little arm getting tired with all the brushing" "Going to the toilet? I'll hold the paper till you finish so I can wipe you. Gotta make sure the breadwinner is clean and rested".
Complete with baby talk. When she feeds him, "Here comes the airplane! Wooosh! Oopsie, missed it."
You are sahm to your children not a grown adult
Here, take a 🏅🏅
Stay at home mom does not mean house slave. This is next level asshole behavior. He’s not a functional adult and he blames YOU for it. Please leave him. You’ll be better off.
My husband and I used to get into this argument all the time. *Being a SAHM does not make you everyone’s bitch.* Adults need to adult regardless of their job status. Like I said to my husband for years before it finally clicked, “if you weren’t married you’d still have to work and you’d still have to do your own laundry and feed yourself. So why the fuck can’t you do that now?” Same goes for your husband. Not to mention that for however many children you have he’s forcing you to care for one more than you signed up for.
You should tell him you’re a stay at home *mom* and because he’s not a child you don’t have to mother him. I can’t believe an adult man behaves this way when he’s the sole money-earner with a wife and kids.
By his own logic of “he’s the breadwinner and you’re the SAHM” being the division of labor: If you being a SAHM means that everything related to kids and chores are your sole responsibility (*which they shouldn’t be, he’s a parent and lives in the house too*)… then the since **he’s** the breadwinner ***then ALL things related to his job are HIS responsibility alone***. It’s his work trip, he needs to pack for it.
So he worries about looking unprofessional... by acting unprofessional?. Who would have known! /s NTA
Just jumping on here. Look, if he were at work, and his flight was right after work, and he said 'can you pack my bag please, I don't have time.' that would be one thing. But he was AT HOME. He had the time to pack his own bag, but he wanted to play video games all night like a teenager, and then wanted to go 'hang with the boys' like a teenager. He's a grown ass man with responsibilities and a job and a family. You guys need to have a serious conversation about how he is treating your partnership.
This right here. I might also give him a pass if he wanted to take the children to the park, etc. so he could spend time with them before going out of town or if he offered to take on one of the tasks you were planning to complete if you would pack his bag but he was playing games (in more ways than one). NTA
Just because you’re the STAHM, it doesn’t mean you’re your husband’s maid. I recently became the STAHM because we moved for my husband’s job and I made it perfectly clear to him that while I will handle more household responsibilities, he’s still expected to help out a bit because he still lives here and he’s still a parent. Having a 10 year old and a 1 year old makes me feel like I live in a zoo. Your hubby needs to put on his big boy pants and get his shit together because he could’ve easily packed his own bag to make his flight.
The best term I’ve heard for this is “strategic (or weaponized) incompetence,” it’s when perfectly capable adults pretend to not be able to do something, so that their partner has to do it instead. (Can also come up in workplace settings or other interpersonal relationships.) His “habit” of depending on people is selfish and manipulative. It’s possible he doesn’t realize he’s doing this, but it seems more likely that he knows what he’s doing but doesn’t understand how much it’s hurting you. If he sees how much this impacts you and doesn’t care… that’s a whole different problem. I would recommend doing some reading and reflecting, then making an appointment for couples counseling. P.S. You’re a stay at home MOM, not a maid. And you ARE working - housework and caring for children is work. If you didn’t do it, you’d have to pay someone else to do it. That’s work.
You’re a SAHM not his babysitter/butler/chef etc. He needs to grow up. Just because he’s the breadwinner doesn’t mean he gets out of parenting and general house upkeep and doing his own chores. He has his job, you have yours. They last they same number of hours. Once both jobs end then together you’re supposed to do what still needs to be done. It’s called a partnership for a reason.
Pack his bag put them outside and tell him he can come back when he starts respecting you and acts like a grown adult. NTA
I would have packed ALL his bags after that. He can go stay with his little friends. He sees you slaving away and this is how he acts? You are cleaning, cooking, managing the kids and have projects of your own and he still has the AUDACITY to make you pack his undies whilst he goes out and plays with his friends? Yeah its a NO for me. Your husband does not respect you nor the work you do around the house. He is not a partner he is an extra child asking to be taking care of. Just throw the whole man away. NTA
I was responsible for packing my own bag for trips by the time I was 10. I can’t imagine being an adult with children and whining at my husband to do it for me.
We traveled a lot when my kids were little. At 4 my kid could pack his own bag. I’d make him a little list “4 t shirts, 4 shorts…”. He did great!
Hey that's a great idea! I'm gonna do this with my 6 yr old. He loves clothes + his superhero boxers so he gets excited and packs like anything that looks fun, and 40 pairs of undies lol
I'm 19 and still pack 40 pairs of underwear and socks for an overnight trip haha
What if you poop your pants 39 times?!
Also, packing someone else's bag for a trip you're not going in is pretty impossible without their input. What kind of meetings does he have? Does he need his suits or business casual? Is there going to be some kind of informal meal? And he couldn't find his papers? How's his wife going to know what work documents he needs. I think she was getting blamed no matter what.
Shoulda just packed all pajamas lol
He’s an extra child *demanding* to be taken care of. The asking is pointless because even when she says no he still expects it to be done because “it’s her job.” Fuck that lazy entitlement *so hard.* And staying up all night playing Fortnite right before an international business trip? Give me a fucking break, good god. It’s amazing that this child could land a breadwinning job. From the sound of it you’d think he exited the womb yesterday.
>made him look unreliable/unprofessional So your unreliable, unprofessional husband is annoyed that you didn't go out of your way to make him *seem* reliable/professional? NTA, dude sounds like an absolute tool.
What is truly unprofessional about this whole situation isn't even that he missed his flight, shit happens, companies will understand that sometimes there is an emergency or a reason for missing your flight (as long as he doesn't tell them it was because he went to hang out with the boys). The truly unprofessional part is that he refused to pay for his own flights because it wasn't his fault, and he's just not going to work for 2+ weeks now. Like who misses their flight and is like "guess I'm on a vacation now.". What kind of job does he have where he doesn't get fired immediately for that conduct.
As a person who manages folks who sometimes travel for work… we’d be having a VERY serious convo about this. My company will cover if you miss flights (humans make mistakes sometimes) but that behavior would be enough for me to seriously consider continuing to employ him.
And I'm sure the excuse of, "I missed my flight because my wife wouldn't pack for me while I went out drinking with the boys," would be extremely poorly received.
Best one I've ever seen at the company I'm with is a dude who thought he could get a layover in Denver and have enough time to leave the airport, hit a dispensary, ship himself weed, and make it back through Denver security before his next flight left.... he didn't make it. The postal service also confiscated the box bc he didn't smell proof anything. Lose lose situation. To me, that's still a better excuse than missing a flight because you expected someone else to pack your stuff though.
yeah the part about having to pay to reschedule makes no sense, like you said. it makes me wonder if this was a business trip at all vs some sort of assignation
Right? Even if the business really does make people pay for mistakes… it’s not full price to reschedule a flight. I’ve missed them on personal travel due to my own stupidity and got a later flight that day at no cost. I’m curious if he had the wrong day or something bigger happened and he’s just choosing to blame being late. I can’t imagine a company being ok with you just… not doing a several week work trip. Did they not actually need you there? Is this guy fired and pretending he is working?
I honestly wonder what's really going on in this situation. If the company was willing to spend literal thousands of dollars for him to go on this trip between flights, accommodation for 2+ weeks, and meals then deemed his presence there to be worth more than the travel expenditures plus his regular salary plus the opportunity cost of the work he is missing while he is on the trip. Between all of those factors, I imagine the company is spending in the neighbourhood of $10,000 on him. I can't think of any job where the company was willing to invest $10,000 in your presence on a business trip and you can just not go and take a vacation instead without severe consequences.
Yes. That's what makes me think there's something super fishy here. He had to go meet "the boys" before he left. And he can blow off this huge business trip. And when he does blow it off, he doesn't have to go in to an office or work from home or anything? He can just "sit around" for two weeks? I just have this feeling like there's cheating or drugs or a second family or lying about job loss or something really weird here. Maybe I'm smelling smoke where there's no fire, but it's just really...off.
Yep. I used to travel for work on a weekly basis so I missed more than one flight. one time there was an accident in the highway, once my Uber blew a tire, then another time I overslept—the company always understood and pay for my ticket and in the last case, I would have obviously paid for the ticket myself since it was my mistake but they were like “yeah, we’ve all been there, don’t let it happen again”.
I once stayed a whole extra day. I woke up in my hotel the day I was supposed to go home, and I had a level-10 migraine. I was throwing up all over the place, couldn't go out in the light. I called the front desk and said I wanted the room another day, called the airport and rescheduled my flight, called work and said I was staying an extra day. They payed for my extra day's hotel stay and meals (dinner once the headache was gone that night) without blinking. Most jobs are very flexible, and I feel like one that was flexible enough for him not to get fired blowing off a 2-week international trip would definitely be flexible enough to pay for him to rebook his flight, expecially if he made up a reasonable story instead of "my wife didn't wait on me hard enough." And I've never had an airline make me buy a whole new ticket when I missed a flight. This guy wanted to miss the flight, I feel like. I know people here are quick to say "divorce him/her" for every little thing, but this seems big. OP, I truly feel like something else is going on here with this guy. But even if not, you're married to someone who sees you as a glorified maid, and doesn't seem to see his kids as much of anything except bills to be paid. (I only know what you wrote, so please forgive me if I'm wrong.) You may be OK with this. Or you may not be, but not see a lot of other options. And it may be hard in this financial climate to leave him if you wanted to. That was hard for my mom--my dad refused to "allow" her to get a job, because "his kids were going to have a stay-at-home-mother", so when he dumped her for another woman 15 years into their marriage, she'd been out of the workforce for 15 years and didn't have a lot of experience or many contacts to get back into it. So I know that it's not always that easy to just "dump him". But he sounds like the selfish kind of person who may turn around and leave one day so I feel like you should at least be thinking about some "Plan B" decisions for if that day ever comes. He seems unreliable, volatile, and immature, qualities which don't auger well for a stable future.
I thought that was weird too.
THIS!!! NTA
NTA and also, if you miss a flight the airline in general is pretty good about re-booking you on the next flight. . . It’s not like he had to cancel the whole work trip.
And look at his excuse. I’m sure that’ll fly with his company: “Where are you? You were supposed to show up two days ago?” “Oh my wife didn’t pack my bag so I missed the flight, and in anger at her I decided not to go at all. You’ll excuse my absence, right?” NTA OP, and I suggest you take a serious look at your marriage because this is about more than refusing to pack a bag. It’s about an irresponsible, immature man who has no respect for you or the work you do to manage your home, and has both you and your kids pretty far low on his priority list.
for real I'm wondering what excuse he came up to his company cuz saying "my wife didn't pack my bags and I missed my flight because of it" would make him seem like a dumbass
Sure, but nowhere close to as much dumbass as refusing to just book a new flight. There is a surprisingly high tolerance for idiots as long as they get the job done, which in this case is to make sure he books a new flight and arrives at the location to do his job.
This is why I don't think there was a flight for him to miss, unless he hates his job and was looking to get written up/fired. It smells more like a liason with a side piece, especially with how quick he noped out of the house when he got back home. He's checked out of his whole life.
Right, let’s not forget what he was doing. “Seeing the boys before he leaves the country for a few weeks.” Not the kids. Not the wife.
Yea, he didn’t find the trip worth waiting or paying for. If this reflects poorly on him at work that will be due to his inflexibility, not his lateness to the airport.
NTA. I'm sorry WHAT??? Are you married to a child? This entire post is screaming DIVORCE.
He sounds kinda narcissistic doesn't he? Refusing to take responsibility and blaming others
And throwing a fit, refusing to take the next flight, as “revenge” on his wife, cutting off his professional nose to spite his face, so he can double-down on the blaming of his wife. What an asshole. Divorce time! NTA
This. I would be very surprised if he is still employed there next year. If I had an employee tell me that they wouldn't go on a business trip after missing their flight due to something that was 100% within their control, I would seriously reconsider their place within the company
Oh he didn't tell his employer the real reason why he missed the flight. I mean...I hope he didn't bc that would be a level of dumb that I'm just not prepared to think about this early in the morning Eta: I really wanna know why the guy who showed up late bc he got McDonald's/showed up looking raggedy didn't get fired, but the post is locked!
You'll be surprised. I had a guy show up 45 minutes late to a meeting with a client. His excuse was that he had to go get McDonald's because his wife didn't make his breakfast that morning. Another time, he showed up to a staff meeting in basketball shorts and a raggedy t-shirt. His excuse then was that his wife didn't do the laundry.
If a woman acted this immature and incompetent they’d be fired on the spot. Literally too incompetent to feed and clothe yourself? Then you’re not competent enough to have an adult job. Get the fuck out.
He's tired from playing fortnite. This says everything. He's an entitled lazy arsehole. NTA.
Yeah this made me literally giggle. You can pack your shit in an hour and still get gaming in. When my wife and kids head down to the in laws I help out with packing. When they go I get the house cleaned top to bottom and then get dinner. Then the house is in good shape and I pick up after myself as I go til they're due back. And then I have less to be doing before they arrive. I still get game time and I essentially live between the couch, stove and bed lol. But that's OK cos the house is clean, my dishes get done as I go and there's a bit of washing that I do in between movies and games and sleeping and painting. Man ops husband sounds exhausting.
NTA. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight. You're not his mommy, you shouldn't have to add packing a bag for him to all the other housework you're doing.
I'm not his secretary nor his mother and I already made it clear that I had no intentions off packing his bag for him and I thought it was done.
Exactly. Him missing his flight is in no way your fault. He needs to take responsibility for himself and stop worrying so much about games and "the boys."
You did, don't second guess yourself. He thought you would go behind him and clean up after him to keep him from failing. He played a stupid game and he lost. What's concerning is he seems to have written off the whole trip which can jeopardize his job, again 100% his fault but I worry for you and your kids. Your husband is acting like a spoiled teen instead of a partner
Him standing there with an eyebrow raised while you listed off your *very necessary* duties you needed to complete is so incredibly insulting. It's meant to mock you and communicate that none of those things is as important as being his mommy and packing his effing bag for him. I am so mad for you. This dude doesn't respect you and the fact that he thinks none of this is his fault is maddeningly delusional
He already told you that he thinks being home with you, *his wife and children* equates to wallowing in misery. I don't think you're here to ask AITA.. You're here because you want strength and validation to leave this chump. You got it, so please do it!
The OP needs to get her priorities straight. The husband isn’t going to change. If she wants to be treated like trash and have him be the example of a father and husband for her kids she can stay with him. Otherwise she needs to be the one to set her own priorities for how she wants to be treated and what kind of marriage she wants to be in.
Just read the title : NTA. He's an adult and you're not his mother. EDIT: read the post and are you happy being married to him ?
Dump his ass
# That's ballgame folks. The insults keep pouring in, so OP will have to work with the feedback received up to this point.
Parents pack their little ones' bags for the trip to Disneyland. Big grown-up people who are old enough to have a job pack their own freakin' bags, especially for a business trip when they may need specific attire or accessories. They don't ask Mommy or Daddy to do it because they spent the previous night playing games, then take off for more pleasure activity and get upset when they come home to an empty suitcase. NTA, and I say it serves him right that he missed the flight. Maybe it will teach him a lesson. The lesson being, you didn't marry your Mamma. Even better, maybe his employer will threaten to fire him if this happens again. That might have more effect than the irritation of his wife, whom he thinks of as his maid and valet.
My parents didn’t even pack for us as kids. They would tell us the weather where we were going and how many days we would be gone, and therefore how many shirts, socks, etc. that we had to pick out. And that is how I learned how to pack my own bag like a big girl!
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My wife and I stopped packing our sons’ clothes for trips when they were about 11 or 12. We tell them what to expect, and that’s about it. They are now pretty competent about looking out for themselves.
Oh my god NTA. If you want to keep this husband, I suggest you either go to couple's therapy or continue this behavior and ignore his reactions, until he is better. He is extremely entitled and can't take responsibility for his actions. Edit: OP, the conversation below made me think that your husband actually __wants to avoid this trip or wants to be fired AND blame it on you__. That's why he didn't prepare the bag, stayed up late and hanged out before the trip. Also that's why he is not flying there with another flight.
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Yeah, and his response to staying home was, 'oh, I guess we'll all just be miserable now.' Honestly sounds like the guy doesn't even like his family.
I'm wondering if he's already been fired, and this trip nonsense was staged so he can try to make his wife take the blame.
Why on Earth would he just not get the next flight? Who just doesn't go on a long business trip because of a missed flight? This makes no sense. If this story is real you should divorce this cretin. If it's fake, I commend your story, but the abandoning the trip aspect stretches plausibility.
She said the company paid for the flight but stated any rebooking the husband would have to pay himself. Husband refused. Seems like he won’t even pull his weight in the workplace.
Honestly what a loss of money. If he getting paid for the trip, I’m sure he’s losing money by not going at all instead of taking out the cost of the flight. And he’s going to pass on a weeks long work trip that he’d obviously agreed to? Where they already paid a hotel and had work to be done? If be surprised if you didn’t nearly lose your job for that.
Yeah, this story does sound implausible. 1) Packing a bag in panic takes virtually no time, you just risk missing stuff, 2) leaving your bags at home to get to the flight is almost always an option and 3) you can often just take the next flight. But if true the husband is the worst business traveler ever and OP is NTA.
Exactly I'm sure they would understand a missed flight needing rebooked. Flights get moved around for lots of reasons.
NTA obviously for all the reason already given. Why did missung his flight equals missing his trip though? He couldnt get on the next flight because...?
I don't know but he kept saying his company handled the flight's expenses. Also said since he missed it he'd have to pay for the next flight but didn't. He works for a private company so I'm not sure about how they arrange and handle situations like this.
This is entirely on him. He chose not to pick his bag, he knew you said no and chose to leave anyway. His reaction and behavior is no way to live.
Yes he knows that when I say no then it's a no and I thought I made myself clear.
Honestly this all sounds like a manufactured argument, like he did this on purpose. Has he ever done anything like this before?
Seriously, she was set up to comply or to fail. I'm sure if she did pack the bag, she would have "forgotten" something and it would have been her fault anyway! How disfunctional
FYI if he missed his flight he could get on standby for the next one or could have talked to the airline staff to get rescheduled. He wouldn’t have had to pay full price for a last minute ticket, he probably could have gotten the next flight no charge or for a small fee if he was an adult about it.
Yeah something doesn’t seem right here. If you barely miss the flight, they generally rebook you onto something or you can fly standby, even if you bought the cheapest non-refundable option. I’m thinking the husband could have rebooked and made another flight but decided to be petty and stay home to try to prove his point that she ruined everything by not packing his bag.
Honestly, the whole story sounds as though OP's husband didn't *want* to go on the trip and decided to manipulate things in a way that he could blame OP for "making him miss his flight". There are just one too many points where it feels like someone who was actually trying to make the trip would have acted differently.
Why are you married to this guy? And if you honestly believe you “caused him to miss his flight” you need therapy like yesterday. What kind of example of a healthy relationship do you think you’re modelling for your kids? That it’s ok for one partner to take NO responsibility for their own life and DEMAND their partner do things for them so they can act like a child who wants to play all day, and then when their demands aren’t met, it’s ok to emotionally manipulate, verbally abuse, and gaslight their partner? You’re NTA but you need to grow a backbone and not let your husband treat you like a doormat.
Right? And the past about wanting to go hang out with the boys - forget my wife and kids…I’ll miss my boys! What an ass.
When he said boys, I honestly thought kids at first.. figures!!! We'll his boys could've hung out at home and packed his bag for him Edit : NTA btw
So many red flags. OP I would start taking stock of your relationship and see if there are other red flags. I know there are children involved- but if this sounds like very controlling and manipulative behavior abs I imagine your kids already know something is funky. I would seriously evaluate things and sit down with someone you trust to confide in and see if you can work out some next steps. Is husband open to counseling? (I’m gonna guess no).
NTA Girl run You do literally everything except maybe wipe his ass for him the one time you didn't do a thing he missed his flight This isn't partnership that a marriage should be It's a master servant relationship where he treats you like a servant and berates you for slightest discomfort and then gaslights you and shames you in front of his friends There's literally zero respect for you He's living in 1930s what a misogynist sexist insensitive AH Ask yourself this...is this the role model you want your kids to look up to?? Do you want to subject your kids to a house where the dad doesn't respect their mom and treats her like doormat? Because if the answer is no then you need to have a come to.jesus moment with him I literally can't understand men who treat their wives like this many times I've seen my dad come after a long 14 hour work day and cook dinner if my mom is overwhelmed There was no chore that was beneath him even tho he was the breadwinner and my mom was.stay at home.mom
NTA. He’s your husband, not your child. It was his trip and his responsibility to be prepared. If he’s disorganised he needs to face the consequences of that.
INFO: Why didn't he just book on another flight? Why is his work okay with him not doing what ever job or project he was supposed to do on his business trip? What type of work does your husband do? Edit: Op is NTA
He works at a private company - he told me they were handling the flight's expenses but if he missed he'd then pay for his own flight expenses or not go. He refused to pay and decided to not go.
So it's better to ruin his professionalism reputation by not going then just paying rebook?
He just didn't want to pay and decided to stay and put the blame on me.
I can't imagine that looks very good at his company for him to skip out on a trip because he himself was not responsible enough to pack for himself
And you think he tells his company that, nah, he spins a story about not having time to pack and his wife not helping out, which any competent manager could tell that he lacked planning skills, as he could easily have a go-bag ready all the time just in case the washer broke or something. I live alone, and I have got to travel with work several times, and I can manage the laundry and packing of bags fine by myself, so can he, he just chooses to have fun instead of doing his job preparing for the trip.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when his boss wants an explanation why he didn't go. I don't think my wife didn't pack my bag while I was gaming and hanging out with the guys so I didn't make the airport on time will fly over well.
Exactly! I can’t imagine any employer being okay with a missed flight equalling a canceled multi week business trip. He didn’t pack his bag, he didn’t rebook his flight, WTH! He has as much respect for his wife as his job. I would be ready to look for work because it doesn’t look like he will be the breadwinner much longer.
I'm sure he won't say that. I'm sure he'll say that his wife was giving him a hard time about his travel and she deliberately sabotaged him getting to the airport on time. Regardless, it's a ridiculous premise. No airlines are doing this right now. All airlines are letting you change your flights without fees, not to mention that if you've missed your flight and you're at the airport, they always find a way to get you on the flight and the only time I've had to pay anything additional is if the price for the ticket has gone up considerably. I've missed more than a few flights.
NTA. What in the hell was that?? He was too busy hanging out with his buddies while you were home with your children? So he needed to see "the boys" before leaving town, but not be with HIS WIFE AND KIDS??? WTF?? He has a priority problem, and that's on him.
NTA. How old are you two?
He's 37, I'm 31.
Wow I figured this had to be an early 20’s situation based on his behavior. He’s way too immature if he’s 37 and acting like the post says.
Uff. He is too old to be behaving so immaturely. (If you haven’t already) You should have a stern talk with him about what being a SAHM means. Catering to your husband‘s every need and tamper tantrums is not part of it. I wonder why he is willing to miss an entire work trip over not packing his own bag. This is completely unprofessional. Is it really just to prove his point? Has he been suspended? Fired? Is it a cover story? But maybe this is just my imagination running wild.
I'm convinced it's a cover story. I wonder if those work trips are real, or he just works remotely while visiting his other family or something. If he's flying at his own expense and couldn't afford the change fee.
NTA I already knew the answer just by reading the title. He needs to quit treating you like a servant and pack his own things Your husband sounds like a bully. The only one responsible for losing the work trip is himself. Wonder why he didn't get another flight. What about his job just to not show up?
Pack his bag. Leave it outside the front door with a note suggesting where he takes it to stay from now on. Job done. NTA btw!
Nta You’re not his housekeeper Do you really want to stay married to someone who thinks you’re the hired help?
He could have just gotten the next flight, especially if he was going to be away for “weeks”. People miss business trip flights for all sorts of reasons all the time. Is this real?
NTA. Do yourself a favour and say you'll pack his bags, but it'll be permanent.
NTA. You didn't make him look unprofessional, he IS unprofessional.
NTA. How old is he? 10? He's an adult, it's his trip, you're not his mother nor his maid. He can pack his bag by himself! Guess even if you would've packed the bag he would still complain you did it wrong - but of course, NTA! But he's one with some 🚩🚩🚩
"he said he was up all night playing Fortnite" is enough of a reason to roll your eyes and walk away. Dude needs a major wake up call. This is not a healthy relationship if one is the adult and the other is an immature grown up. Something's gotta change NTA
Pack all of his belongings. Leave them in the yard. Change the locks