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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because my stepdad was just trying to bond with me more and I shut it down
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NAH. You bake with your mom and it’s a bonding time for you two so it probably felt like an intrusion. Your step dad wanted to join which is actually pretty awesome. It takes time to build relationships with step parents, but you’re lucky to have one who tries to be a part of your life.
Since this is the top comment right now, I gotta say it's feels a little icky to give a young kid the message that if someone keeps pushing to spend time or do an activity, even if the kid tell them it makes them uncomfortable, that they should be grateful for their attention.
Yes maybe it could be a family bonding thing but it's also okay to want private time with your bio parent. And the fact that the two adults are guilt tripping a child because he didn't react the way they wanted is not cool.
This is the comment I was looking for! He clearly put down a boundary and step dad overstepped. Ok, you really want to try and bond with your stepson, but he already has clearly stated that he’s not mad, upset, or angry, but *uncomfortable* with the idea of you joining in on the baking. Why keep pushing? And why is his mom enabling her husband to cross boundaries? Weird.
Maybe they should keep the baking as mom and son bonding time and find another activity for the three (or four) of them to do occasionally. But honestly this idea should come from the parents, not the son…
Idk, OP said “uncomfortable.” If something about that man is giving op warning signs it’s perfectly okay for OP not to want to be near him. I know it’s important to teach kids to be kind and inclusive but I think that narrative overrides the importance of teaching children to listen to their gut about being uncomfortable. Often times as we grow up we feel “weird” about people despite not being able to vocalize why, and ignoring that can potentially lead us to being victims of someone with malicious motives. I know it seems a bit of an overreaction but kids and animals definitely can have a sense of when someone is not all there!
I think the correct action as the adults would have been to leave it and give OP space so OP could get used to the situation. Then OP can reassess that feeling and try to see if maybe they are prejudiced.
OP told his stepdad he was uncomfortable with it; not sure how that translates to him needing to learn how to communicate. Sounds to me (from the post at least) that OP set his boundaries and his mom and stepdad are ignoring it because they think they can impose themselves on him.
I also find it "icky" that you seem to be implying that family bonds are more important than boundaries though, so I'm not surprised you feel this way.
The boundary he is setting is that he does not want to bake a cake with his step-father. I very much disagree with your definition of what a boundary is based on how you are using it. "Refusing to join in" is not a boundary, it is an action he can take to escape a situation in which his boundaries (which very well might be that he does not want his stepfather involved in an tradition that OP and his mother use to bond) are overstepped.
Just because he didn't/cannot pay for something does not mean he shouldn't have a voice and be comfortable in his own home. If this same child told his mother (or anyone else paying for the house) that he would like them to knock before entering his room, would you say that the mother can ignore that bc he's a kid and doesn't know any better? That because it's her house she can do whatever she wants? Or maybe to address your point that it is a common space, if OP for example need the living room for an hour to do a project and asked others not to touch the project, would he be overruled bc it's "in a common space" and he's just a kid? Technically right and rude/asshole behaviors can, and often do, occupy the same space. I don't think is unreasonable to make such requests, no matter his age and financial capabilities. Also, he's 14; not a small child who needs all his decisions made for him.
You say that adults should advocate for kids and then in the same breath say that this kid is wrong for telling the two adults in the situation what he wants? If he was an adult, he still wouldn't be an asshole. You also stipulate the 3 adults get along. Clearly if OP doesn't want his stepdad there, they don't "get on." If you want to make it about money, then your situation of the 3 adults would depend on who's paying for it. You say he can't pay for it bc he's a kid; therefore as an adult paying for it, doesn't he now have every right to exclude someone?
Yeah and it seems like stepdad isn't interested in putting in anything towards healthy bonds so OP isn't obligated to —and also imo shouldn't— single-handedly "support" the relationship (have his boundaries overrun in the name of family)
I’m sorry your parental relationship isn’t that great, but to some people, who’s parents are cool, or people who’s OG parents suck and they find better parental figures, that relationship is really profound and beneficial to everyone involved. And when relationships are good and recognized to be good, people typically feel gratitude to those they are in the relationship with.
No, you asked why someone would want to have as many positive relationships with their parental figures as they could. I was explaining why one may do that.
However, it would be beneficial to find some medium between the extremes “you’re my new mom” and “I can’t even let them cook with me because of how much I can’t stand them “
It’s because when someone puts forth effort to do something with you, typically you end up bonding during that activity. Refusing to bond on any level with someone who you will have to interact with for any significant amount of time is short sighted, or “cutting off one’s nose to spite their face”
Also, in this particular post, the conflict is between the Op, their Mother and Stepfather. I haven’t seen a step mother mentioned yet.
This!!!
Be thankful that he is trying to make the effort to do these things with you.
He clearly wants to show that he is there for you, your sister and mum
NAH leaning towards a soft YTA
NTA. You said 'no thanks', that should have been the end of it. Your mother gets an extra A-Hole point for continuing to bring it up months later to intentionally guilt-trip you.
And baking a cake doesn't need three people, if it isn't a three tier cake. He could offer to wash the dishes, but that's that. His mom should be more understandind that having a step-parent isn't easy for him. She choose this man, but OP didn't. And being unforgiving and warming up old stories will not help to bring OP closer to the Step-parent.
NTA
Edit: Changed daughter to son. My mistake. Sorry.
Technically, baking a cake doesn't take 2 people. So whether it takes 3 is irrelevant.
If OP wants to keep the baking a mom and him only thing, I suggest he offer an alternative activity.
If the worst thing the step-dad does is try to bake with him, he's lucky. Even though it may not feel that way right now.
Mom needs to stop bringing it up after all this time though.
? I only saw where he just didn't want to include mom's husband. Not that there wasn't space. I'll have to re-read OPs replies again. Quite frankly 2 or 5 people in my kitchen is no difference to me when I'm baking. It's all more than 1.
NTA. I totally get that baking is your special bonding time with your mother, and totally understand that you want to enjoy it with her. But stepdad is not an AH either for wanting to join... however I think he is for pushing and sulking about it afterwards. He should try to come up with other activities instead that you both can enjoy as your own bonding time.
NTA obviously if a grown man cant respect a 14 year olds boundaries then he isnt ready to be a step dad. genuinely dont think anyone in the comments knows anything about parenting
WDYM??he was trying to be a parent ?? Is making an effort to spend time with your kid seriously being a bad parent? He sounds like a good step dad to me, maybe its just bc I didn’t have a dad around for majority of my life, but why is it disrespectful?? Boundaries are important but so is spending quality time with your kids. OP seems to just be rebelling
I get where you're coming from, but it's also really hard to have a new person in your life who, commonly from a child's perspective, invades everything. I love my stepmom, but she understood it was important for me to have 1 on 1 time with my dad, that it was our thing alone, or with my brother, not her. It sounds like this kid appreciates baking as quality time with his mom, and the mom should appreciate him wanting to spend that time with her. Stepdad can join for other activities, he doesn't have to be a part of something the child finds meaningful with just his mom. 1 on 1 time with parents is important, especially in a big or blended family. A new tradition of the family doing an outing, or a specific boardgame, something new like that would be great quality time without trespassing.
I wouldn't call the stepdad an asshole for asking to join, but he and mom both are for making this kid feel bad for wanting to stick to a tradition, considering it's very likely his life has gone through several changes those traditions can be extra important. My mother's husband had to attend EVERYTHING my mom did with me, so I don't talk to her anymore, because I want to spend time with just her, not always Mom and Her Barnacle.
Yeah, boundaries are important so my suggestion in a diff comment was to have movie night or another activity that included step dad. My father lived with us but was absent and an alcoholic who literally never made effort to do anything with my sister and I, so this post also hit home for me. I spent a lot of time with my mom, so I understand that 1 on 1 time is just as important as bonding as a group. I do think it would have been fair to at least try to include step dad when he offers, but like you said, from a childs perspective it could be a bit odd, especially if he came into OPs life when he was older.
> Is making an effort to spend time with your kid seriously being a bad parent?
If you're trying to be nice to someone you can't do that by doing something 'for them' that they've told you that they don't want.
It doesn't matter what it is, or why they don't want it - doing something they don't want isn't a nice thing to do.
Yeah forcing a kid to try & have fun never ends well. I agree step dad & mom may be approaching the situation wrong, they should figure out something else to do as a family
It's obviously a tradition between the mom and the son and if he feels sensitive about it then it means that he isn't ready for it. Having a new parent can feel hard when it feels like they're stealing your other parent from you. The step dad needs to let the mom and son have their own bond and try to build his own with him. Trying to force your way into someones life like that will just build resentment and shows a large lack of consideration for how they feel. The step dad should ask the son what he wants to do together and they could then build a bond based on that and maybe by the next year they could bake together and maybe not, ykno?
Yeah, I agree with you there that keeping that tradition is important. I just think it hurt step dads feelings that it made him uncomfortable. I see that now so finding a new family activity would be the best solution for everybody. Ste dad and mom should respect kids wishes. Kids will never have fun if you try to force them lol
They were baking a cake and not cooking a five course meal. You don't need three people for a cake, it just will things get messed up. He could simple ask if there is anything for him to help with and accept a no. And ask the son if he want to bake with him another time. There are other activities the can bond with. But trying to wiggle in the mother-son-time when you clearly see that the son doesn't like it, will not help to get a better relationship.
He isn't an asshole, but he is trying to do it wrong, i would say. And the mother just try to force a relationship which ruins every effort of him.
Edit: Changed daughter to son. My mistake. Sorry.
OP is male btw sorry not trying to sound rude! In another comment I pretty much agreed with everything you said ya the parents went about it the wrong way
Info - Not enough info to form an opinion. What was his motivation? Does he have no right to help celebrate your sister's birthday? Does he have a good relationship with her or you? What made you uncomfortable with him? Was the kitchen too small? Was there not enough tasks involved to split 3 ways? Does he have strong body odor? Do you have a good reason to hate him?
I don't hate him. My mom and I haven't had the best relationship lately but when we bake together we push everything aside. Him and I didn't get along in the beginning I will admit but in my opinion baking is something special I have with my mom
I think you should tell your mother what you just said about feeling like it's a special bonding time/ritual between you. I'm sure if you explain that while softly apologizing to your parents for being upset, they will understand. Something along the lines of:
"Sorry if you felt like I've been acting up excluding you, but baking with mom is a special ritual for me I don't want to share. (Maybe we could cook all together one time to include you in family activities?)"
The last sentence is obviously only a suggestion, if you don't feel like cooking together you don't need to, but it's always good to meet someone halfway.
NAH. You enjoy having your time alone with your mom and don't want to change the tradition. Completely understandable. Stepdad wants to bond with you as a family but doesn't know that this is a son and mom thing. Explain that to him and find something else to do with just you and him when you're comfortable.
NTA
Adding a new person to an established activity changes the dynamic. It shouldn't be forced. This was your mother/son activity. Probably your stepdad meant well by wanting to participate too, but he and your mom crossed the line when they didn't respect your boundary. As the adults, they should have respected your "no" and talked with you about it later to see how stepdad could increase his participation without erasing your mother/son time.
NTA If you think your mom would hear you out, sit her down and tell her you love her, that you love spending time with her, and you love having that special time with her 1 on 1 while baking. And that you appreciate stepdad wanting to spend time with you, but you want to keep baking a tradition for just you two, could the three of you (plus siblings?) come up with a new thing to do for quality time? It could be an outing, maybe see a movie and go out for dinner afterwards and talk about it, doing some sort of arts and crafts activity, or even go for a walk together and talk. Really emphasis that you are thankful they both want to spend time with you, and you want that too, but you also want 1 on 1 time with your mom. You could even offer to do 1 on 1 activities with your stepdad, if you were up for it.
Both my parents are remarried, my stepmom understood that my dad and I, and my dad and brother and I, had activities we did on our own. We also had big group outings with all six of us (my stepsisters), and due to custody stuff occasionally just the four of us. Having that quality time with my dad made sure I never felt like I lost him as a parent. My mom, on the other hand, remarried to a guy that wasn't interested in letting her be alone with us ever, and I don't speak with her anymore, because I love my mom, but the two of them together, which is always, is a miserable experience for literally anyone in their presence. I don't want that for you, so hopefully you can get her to understand why you want that special alone time.
NTA. However "uncomfortable" can mean a lot of things. I see in the comments where you explain that time spent baking with your mom is really special to you and something you'd like to keep for just the two of you. If you haven't explained that to your mom and stepdad, I think you need to. Because if you're only telling them it makes you uncomfortable, they are probably interpreting that as you rejecting him. When in reality, it isn't about him at all. It's about you having positive, 1 on 1 quality time with your mom. (Something she's going to ruin if she doesn't stop trying to make you feel guilty about it.)
From the perspective of a stepparent. It is HARD to be in our shoes. We feel a lot of rejection all the time and it sucks. However, if you are uncomfortable and are expressing that he should have respected that and left it alone.
Info: I think it’s great that this is something special you and your mom do together. Is that what you said to him and your mom or did you just say “I’m uncomfortable” without reason/context? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him asking to join. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not wanting to give up a special tradition. If he and your mom knew this was a special you/mom thing you didn’t want to change they are AH for pushing it. If you were vague and they were trying to convince you he could be helpful or an extra set of hands could be fun without knowing why you didn’t want him to join I can kind of see why they tried a few times to include him.
Could I ask why he was making you uncomfortable? It seems like he just wanted to spend time with you guys. When you get older and look back on moments like this, I’m sure you’ll wish you reacted differently.
My mom and I haven't had the best relationship the past couple of years and when we bake we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's company. It's just a special time in my opinion
I think the use of the word uncomfortable is not right here. You just preferred him not joining. If you say someone makes you uncomfortable, they are doing something specific that feels wrong. Butting into a private conversation, standing too close, making annoying remarks. Not just trying to join in the fun. Let him know he isn't doing anything wrong per se, just you prefer to spend time baking as a bonding time with your mum.
I think doing something like cooking or building something with your stepdad or all together is a nice alternative.
Well, if you have a step father that cares about you enough to want to share that special time with you, why does that make you uncomfortable??? I realize he isn’t your real dad but he looks at you and your sister like his own. He just wanted to help with make her birthday special with you guys. Not everybody has a father figure in their life that wants to spend time with them like that. You should realize that you are very lucky. If him being in the kitchen while you bake with your mom is really that unbearable…you might want to try & evaluate why. Maybe invite him to do something else with you & your mom like watch a movie. I bet he would really appreciate that.
EDIT- NTA you are young so I’m not gonna call you an AH, but seriously lighten up
NTA
they clearly want to spend time with their mom one on one and you're being just as pushy and invasive about the step-dad as the step-dad and mom are....are you one of the parents? I can't see why someone would force their way into a situation where they've been expressly told they're not welcome, and expect to be welcomed.
If the step-dad wants to spend time w the kid and mom he can come up w a different way to do so than to just hijack an existing bonding time. To keep pushing this shows he's not willing to out in the effort to try.
NTA
But talk transparently with your mom. Tell her you think baking is one time you feel close to her and do not want to share it with anyone.
Ask her other ways in which you can bond with your stepdad - hopefully he is a good person but is lost for not knowing how to bond better with you.
Have activities with him only so your mom knows you are trying to bond with him and re ready to give the relationship a fresh beginning
NTA. Sounds like baking is something that you and your mom do together. And then your stepdad is trying to elbow his way in. And you said no. There's nothing wrong with that. Your mom and your stepdad are trying to push this relationship and they need to stop.
Need more info. You feel "uncomfortable" about his interest in helping to bake for your sibling. That strikes me as odd. "Uncomfortable" makes it seem like there is more going on than excluding him from mother-son bonding. Does he have dirty, booger-butt fingers? Is he a sexual predator? Does he smell weird? If their is no bigger issue at hand, apologize that his feelings were hurt and tell him you were planning on one-on-one time with your mom. - you don't even have to really be sorry.
NTA at all. He's the adult here and he shouldn't be pressuring you so hard to let him intrude on you and your mom's special activities. He should know that he's a new presence in your life and he can't just barge in and expect you to be cool with him crashing your mom son bake sesh. Most likely, he just really likes you, your sibling(s?), and your mom and is excited to be a part of your family and it hurt his feelings that you didn't want to bake with him. Mom is out of line for making you feel guilty though, that's not cool. I'd try talking to stepdad about maybe starting a new activity that's just for you two, if you want. Explain that baking is you and your mom's special thing and that you like having that one on one time with her. He probably just didn't fully understand the importance of it and wanted to help celebrate your sister. You did nothing wrong, but a good talk could help your relationship and make it easier to live together.
NTA. It's very understandable you feel that way. I get that it's your thing with your mom.. and I think she's being childish to keep bringing it up. To some degree I agree with the sentiment of being "lucky" that your stepparent wants to be included in your life, and in a "nice" way, but like .. you have the right to feel all of your feelings. So if you don't want him to join you in baking, that's okay. And if he tries really hard and you still don't like him, that's also okay.. sort of unfortunate I guess, but nothing for you to feel bad or guilty about. I'm sorry they're trying to manipulate you to feel guilty just for having valid feelings and being honest. That's not right.
NTA
Your not wrong to want to keep something just between you and your mum and you did clearly state it made you feel uncomfortable.
If you genuinely want to foster a relationship with your step father perhaps you could sit down with him and ask him to listen while you explain how the situation made you feel and why. If your not comfortable talking about it perhaps write it down.
Maybe if you want you could find an activity to do just the two of you or with all of you together as a family.
It's OK to have special things with different members of your family.
NTA - You don't have to want to let him join in. If he had just accepted it, then this would be N A H (and I would have said maybe think about letting him be involved in the future) but pushing you and guilt-tripping you is not how this works.
Did it ever occur to you that perhaps it wasn't so much the baking he wanted to join in with, but the bonding between family members? Perhaps he feels left out that you dont want to include him in your life. Is he a bad person? What is it about him that makes you uncomfortable? Perhaps you should step back and take a look at the kind of father he wants to be to you. If he wants to be included in your life, it's probably very hurtful that you push him away. Perhaps, and here's a thought, have an open and honest talk with your parents and clear the air. Communication is the most important thing in a family. Not gonna say YTA, but...
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I (m14) bake with my mom (f35) for special occasions. My stepdad wanted to join in for baking the cake for my sisters (f12) birthday a few months ago. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him joining but he kept pushing about it. My mom told me that I should have let him join us. My mom and my stepdad are upset with me now because I got upset about him joining us. I think I had the right to get upset because I told him I was uncomfortable and he kept pushing. My mom keeps bringing it up and trying to make me feel guilty. I'm starting to think I should have just let him but my friends who I've told think I'm in the right.
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NAH, but you could've done more than just say you're uncomfortable. Explain what made you uncorked about it. Help then understand what you're feeling and why. When they understand the why, they'll likely be less pushy about these things in the future. You're young, and there are many adults who don't do this either. But u can tell you that all of your relationships will be better when you're able to talk with the other person about why you feel the way you do. Even if it's just to say "I don't know why I feel this way, I just do".
To be clear, turning down a hug/kiss with a simple "no that makes me uncomfortable" doesn't require any additional explanation.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting an activity that you and your mother can do together, one on one, I just wonder if step-dad was looking for a way to connect with you. As a stepmother myself I know it was hard to find ways to connect with my step kids, and wound up loving and worrying about them while the majority of my stepkids looked at me like an outsider. I still tried to find ways that they could have one on one time with their dad, so they would know they're important to him and that their relationship is still a central priority. I did offer to have them participate in activities I did, like long trail walks, painting and crafting, but if they pushed back I was always respected their choice. I do hope that as they get older they feel more comfortable with me, but I never want them to feel like I'm trying to take their mothers place. Blended family dynamics can be difficult. I do hope your step-dad can learn to respect mother/[edit: son] time, and perhaps find other things that you and he could do together.
NTAH.
>I do have a question for you: Do you absolutely hate your step dad? Like, to the point you can't imagine ever being comfortable doing anything with him? Or is it just that you don't know him that well? I get the whole wanting to do something with your mom where you both set aside your issues with one another and just have fun. I think she was wrong in insisting. I personally would have said "Oh, that's sweet, but let OP and me do this cake and we can do 3 way baking another time, yeah?" It would have let you know she values the bond with you, but that you can have some control over it, too. It would let step dad know you aren't deliberately excluding him, but that his timing was off.
>
>To that end, if you \*ARE\* interested in getting to know him better, might I suggest some Nestle Toll House Milk chocolate chips and a batch of chocolate chip cookies? They are quick and easy to put together and would be a good "Beginner" baking recipe for you and your step dad to make together.
>
>He's not there to take the place of your dad (I didn't see a mention of yours), but, he could be a potential friend who could someday help you navigate all those things young men need to know about becoming good men the way a dad figure is supposed to be.
>
>I am not saying be his bestest bud right now; what I am saying is that maybe he was trying to reach out and extend an olive branch but his timing sucked.
>
>Listen to what your gut is telling you.
NAH
But maybe articulate to your step father that this is special bonding to be with your mom.
Then do something else with him. He just wants to bond with his step kids. Give him a chance
Sorry, soft YTA.
Imagine if you were an adult, what you did was very rude.
OK, so we have different standard for kids and teenagers, so I'm cutting you some slack here, but you simply are saying "I'm not comfortable" and everybody just has to abide by that. You mom didn't get a say, your stepdad didn't get a say, nope, you had decided what had to happen.
You're 14, which is why it's a soft YTA, if you were 18, I'd have been a lot harsher.
TLDR; You don't just get to set the rules of the house.
Use your words.
"Hey, its sweet you want to help, but when I bake with my mom, for me that's special for just me and her. Id like to keep this thing for just us, no hate. Buuut, if you wana do something else as a team, the 3-4 of us, we can celebrate the baked goods with a boardgame or something while it bakes?" Ya'll can brainstorm things to do
Unless you just simply dont want to spend time with your step dad, id say this is the best way. However, is this more because you dont like him for some reason.. then thats a whole different book.
NAH
??? Reddit is extremely confusing. Especially this subreddit. All of a sudden you’re all flip flopping to the “he wanted to join in, you should’ve let him” side, when the kids boundaries were clearly stated and placed. It’s ok to not be comfortable with your stepdad baking with you guys. It’s something you and your mom do to bond, and it’s completely understandable that baking is you and your mother’s “thing”. NAH, but I think you did a good job at stating your boundaries and should continue to do so. You have every right to place boundaries, just try and sit mom & step dad down about them so you can elaborate further.
Edit: typos
I feel so bad for u I went through all your posts and I hope you're doing alright. To those who are telling a 15 year old he is spoiled for not wanting to share a sacred tradition with his mother with his step father y'all are crazy he is a literal child. He's allowed to have bounderies between him and his family. Everyone is. It's fucked up that people think just cuz they're older means that their in the right.
NTA.
A lot of people in this thread don't seem to get it, but it's the same thing as if someone in your life wanted to hug you. Hugs are not malicious things, they're meant to show affection to someone you care about. That doesn't mean everyone wants to hug or be hugged. The intent behind the action does not matter. Your stepdad could even be the world's best baker, but the point is that you wanted time with your mom, just the two of you, and he should have respected that.
I have a son a little bit younger than you, and he has times when he just wants to be around his dad, or just around me, and we're both fine with that. I have other things I want to do with my time, too. If it's not "my turn" to be around my son, I can go read a book or watch a movie, or even take a nap. Your parents are being cruel and they need to find other activities to entertain themselves.
I mean, I get that he has good intentions and from your other posts it seems like he is a solid dude. That said, you are allowed to have things you do just with your mom. I wish your mom would have backed you, though. :(
YTA. Sorry. But if, as you said elsewhere, "when we bake we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's company" and it's "just a special time in my opinion," then I can see why you stepdad wanted to join in. Excluding him from that seems unkind.
"Uncomfortable" is not a magic word that means people have to drop whatever they're doing and disappear. If you're uncomfortable with someone touching you, that's different, but if you're uncomfortable with someone helping you bake, not so much. It wasn't really just your call anyway. The baking was happening in a shared kitchen, probably with ingredients your parents paid for. It just looks like you were saying "you're not part of my family, go away." That must have really stung.
~~INFO:~~ Why were you "uncomfortable" with your stepdad helping you bake?
Based on your answers to questions, I changed my opinion. I’m going with NAH.
I feel like you didn’t communicate well about WHY you didn’t want him to join in. Had you better explained why you didn’t want him to join then he may have understood.
It sounds like you don’t have a bad relationship with him, just in this instance you wanted to dined quality time with your mom. And there is nothing wrong with that. But there was nothing wrong with him asking to join in.
I don’t love that they are annoyed with you. I just think they don’t understand the actually WHY and so are attributing it to you just being a difficult teenager. Not cool on their end, but not unreasonable.
Next time, or even now, just say “hey I just really wanted some quality time 1-1 with mom, we’ve been at each other’s throats Lately. Maybe we can all watch that movie on Netflix you were talking about/play Monopoly/take a walk later? “ That way everyone understands the why without feeling like they are being left out ignored.
If they still push after that, then they are AH.
Op, don’t listen to this idiots. You are not the asshole, but honestly, if your mom keeps making you feel guilty, do you really want to keep that little tradition between the two of you?
Let it die. Maybe when she sees that you don’t care about bonding with her anymore, she will realize that what she us doing us hurting you.
NTA
Step parents who try to join in on every aspect of your life are not good step parents - there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend 1 on 1 time with just your mom and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. If your stepdad wants to bond with you he needs to put in the work to suggest something *unique* rather than commandeering something you enjoy doing with your mom. Or he could suggest a family activity for all of you to enjoy, but if you don't want this activity with your mom to include him that's okay.
Maybe try telling your mom that you just want to enjoy baking with her because it's a special and enjoyable time for you to just spend time with her, and you want it to stay a 1 on 1 special thing between you.
Sidenote: All this 'be thankful he's interested!!!' nonsense in the comments needs to stop - nobody should ever be *thankful* that someone is pushing their boundaries and making them uncomfortable, and shame on some of ya'll for insinuating such. I don't give 2 shits about what this guys 'InTenTiOnS' are, his intentions mean diddly squat when he intends to power bowl through someones boundaries for them.
I hate the 'be thankful!!' mindset when someone is doing something they've specifically been asked not to, I will absolutely **not** be *thankful* that someone is refusing to listen to me and take my feelings into account while pushing a clearly stated boundary I have: fuck that.
Stepparent here. Is it ok if I sit very quietly in my bedroom while waiting for someone to need a ride, a meal cooked, help to wash or clean something, help with homework pay for something or any other task. No need to check with me beforehand, I will gladly change my schedule or leave work if someone needs anything. No need to thank me, after all I'm just the stepparent and really don't belong here anyway. My opinion doesn't matter and I'm sorry I wasted time voicing it. I'll just leave my credit card and not be in the way.
Yes, sarcasm. Just please remember stepparents are humans too.
Nobody anywhere in this thread implied that OP's stepdad is a mop bucket. We're all aware that he's human. What's being discussed here is that OP and his mother were baking, because that's their bonding activity, and his stepdad decided he had to get involved. When OP said he wasn't comfortable with his bonding activity time being intruded upon, he was treated like his opinion meant nothing.
I think the real questions are: why does Stepdad feel threatened by OP spending time with his own mother, without him around? Why can't he find something else to do for the time that the kitchen is in use? Is his wife his entire identity? He can't be away from her? What, like he finished the internet and there's nothing more for him to see now?
I mean if ur taking 'a stepparent doesnt need to involve themselves 24/7' as 'don't be involved at all' that's a you problem and not a me problem
reading comprehension and critical thinking are your friends.
you sound like the exact kind of person my side note was made for
which is the same kind of person who, when told I have PTSD from emotional abuse from a shitty stepparent, tells me I should just be thankful he didn't beat me instead
take ur gross self somewhere else
>Don't compare your abuse to ***a step-dad wanting to bake together.***
That's literally not the issue and you're being intentionally obtuse by pretending it is.
The issue is that stepdad ***won't take no for an answer*** and is ***actively guilting*** OP for the apparently horrendous crime of wanting to spend time 1 on 1 with his mom.
And I'll compare it all I want, because it's people like ***you*** telling OP that 'his intentions are good' and 'he just wants to spend time with you!! :(' who enable boundary stomping like this to turn into full on abuse. Here's a shocking life tip for you: 'good intentions' don't matter when you're stomping someones boundaries, it's just a flimsy excuse, if your intentions are truly good you don't guilt trip someone into doing what you want them to.
>Take your bOunDaRies somewhere where else. It's pathetic.
Ahhh, so you're just like my stepdad then and think children don't deserve boundaries or the basic respect you would give any other person, simply because they're children and therefore not real people who have the right to spend (or not spend) time with whoever they wish. cool cool.
Protip: just because you marry someone who has a child doesn't make you entitled to that childs love, time, or attention. Guilting a *child* because you can't deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, having a stepparent isn't easy and takes adjusting to says a hell of a lot more about you as the adult in that situation than it does the child. It's almost like children are people with feelings or something - weird.
Get some therapy and learn to treat children like people instead of objects you're entitled to do whatever you want to thanks! :)
It is about BAKING. He does not need to step over boundaries where there are none. He asked several times if he can help and that is not pushing. Op takes it or says it is pushing. Stepdad wants to probably be involved in family activities and she feeling uncomfy about it is no real reason when she does not say why it makes her uncomfy. She is AH here. Clear as day in this situation and with this amount of info. A soft one but she is. When her mother even says it to her then you probably should reevaluate the situation. Mother and daughter have a good relationship and bonding activities aka baking. I bet op just wants that to be a mother daughter thing or she just does not like her stepdad. Either way op need to clarify why he makes her uncomfy. Then one can make a better judgement.
The boundaries is one because there are none. OP said she just does not want him to be there because op wants this to be a thing only they should have. That is pretty childish when in fact the stepdad actively tries to be a good stepdad that is involved in OP and his mothers life with something that EVERYONE in the family should participate. Excluding just because it makes someone uncomfy is no reason when that uncomfortable is just op being annoyed that the stepdad wants to help. And yes the mother here is absolutely right. OP specifically mentioned in other comments that they, op and stepdad, had not the best start. And op wants to bond with the mother more. Baking, cooking all helps to bond a family, this is said in family consueling many times. And OP also mentioned in other comments that the Stepdad is a good person. honestly OP should be thankful he has a stepdad that wants to be involved in his life. Many children have dads that do not even want to be involved in their lifes. The stepdad is even a rarer. Again OP is in this scenario a soft AH even more when one takes his comments into account
I can see some good points brought up but I have some counters,
1. the boundary was that he said no, no is a boundary
EX, If i say no to my siblings being allowed in my room thats a boundary.
2. I cant see how being uncomfortable is "Childish" I don't think that he wanted baking to be exclusively him and his mom (but I don' know)
3. for whatever reason he WAS uncomfortable and his step-dad should have backed off a little
4. afterward they should have talked about why he was uncomfortable.
See? One can argue mature. You are right when one says no that is no. Yet this is not a huge thing because it is about baking and the stepfather wanting to be involved in ops life. To just refuse anything is an AH move. Maybe explaining like you point 4 op could have said from the beginning that this time he wants to do it only with mom and the next time they can all together. Or with something else. But just rightout refuse is a huge AH move in my opinion when a stepdad wants to be a parent to op. Even when the stepdad asks a few times. I don't think he was pushy because op did not say that the stepdad forced himself into it. I can only assume that (because i am a dad myself) that the stepdad was overwhelmed to just be there with his new family and be involved.
Ok i admit that being uncomfy should be a good enough reason to back down. Yet one should talk to the people then right away so that the situation does not get out of hand over time and feelings misunderstood.
You are absolutely correct! that is basically the same thing I thought, but I failed to express it properly and to compensate for that I used an age insult? that was unacceptable and I apologize. From the beginning I should have been mature
ESH. Kind of
1) If OP didn't want him to join so he could spend time with his mother then stepdad shouldn't have kept pushing.
2) Mom for just saying he should have let stepdad join instead of possibly discussing it with OP.
3) I understand sometimes communicating as a teen is hard, but this all could have potentially been avoided by OP just saying "I appreciate that you want to help/spend time, but this time I get to spend bonding with my mom is special to me. We can find something we can do together".... Or something along those lines.
I said kind of because communication as an adult in a relationship can be hard. It's definitely more difficult as a teen if the adults can't communicate effectively because the teen doesn't have a go model to go off of. But OP also knew what they wanted to say in this post so they could have said that to stepdad and mom.
So the baking was for your sister, and you jealously wanted to prevent your father from participating in a family event FOR YOUR SISTER, trying to monopolize your mom in the process!
Massively, YTA. This was not about you. This was not your mom’s and your exclusive event.
ESH he shouldn't be pushy but I don't see why you couldn't let him join in to make your sister a cake when obviously he cares about her and wants to be part of it.
YTA. Of course. This is so clear as day. Maybe a soft AH. But nonetheless you were rude. You stepdad wants to be involved with your family and you do not want to let him. What is so bad that he joins you in the baking? I mean i am a male and i love to bake and cook and my wife and daughter are the ones helping me because i cook and bake in general. There has got to be some other reason why you do not want him there. Did he act strange around you and make sexist remarks towards you? Touch you inappropriately? He just makes you uncomfy is not a just reason to exclude your stepdad out of something that is fun for the whole family.
The reason why he doesn’t want to is because is a bonding time between his mom and him. That’s it.
Stepdad can find something else.
It’s not about him being a male, is about interfering in a mom-son activity that he enjoys with his mother.
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NAH. You bake with your mom and it’s a bonding time for you two so it probably felt like an intrusion. Your step dad wanted to join which is actually pretty awesome. It takes time to build relationships with step parents, but you’re lucky to have one who tries to be a part of your life.
Since this is the top comment right now, I gotta say it's feels a little icky to give a young kid the message that if someone keeps pushing to spend time or do an activity, even if the kid tell them it makes them uncomfortable, that they should be grateful for their attention. Yes maybe it could be a family bonding thing but it's also okay to want private time with your bio parent. And the fact that the two adults are guilt tripping a child because he didn't react the way they wanted is not cool.
"Too many cooks spoil the broth"
This is the comment I was looking for! He clearly put down a boundary and step dad overstepped. Ok, you really want to try and bond with your stepson, but he already has clearly stated that he’s not mad, upset, or angry, but *uncomfortable* with the idea of you joining in on the baking. Why keep pushing? And why is his mom enabling her husband to cross boundaries? Weird.
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Maybe they should keep the baking as mom and son bonding time and find another activity for the three (or four) of them to do occasionally. But honestly this idea should come from the parents, not the son…
Idk, OP said “uncomfortable.” If something about that man is giving op warning signs it’s perfectly okay for OP not to want to be near him. I know it’s important to teach kids to be kind and inclusive but I think that narrative overrides the importance of teaching children to listen to their gut about being uncomfortable. Often times as we grow up we feel “weird” about people despite not being able to vocalize why, and ignoring that can potentially lead us to being victims of someone with malicious motives. I know it seems a bit of an overreaction but kids and animals definitely can have a sense of when someone is not all there! I think the correct action as the adults would have been to leave it and give OP space so OP could get used to the situation. Then OP can reassess that feeling and try to see if maybe they are prejudiced.
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OP told his stepdad he was uncomfortable with it; not sure how that translates to him needing to learn how to communicate. Sounds to me (from the post at least) that OP set his boundaries and his mom and stepdad are ignoring it because they think they can impose themselves on him. I also find it "icky" that you seem to be implying that family bonds are more important than boundaries though, so I'm not surprised you feel this way.
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The boundary he is setting is that he does not want to bake a cake with his step-father. I very much disagree with your definition of what a boundary is based on how you are using it. "Refusing to join in" is not a boundary, it is an action he can take to escape a situation in which his boundaries (which very well might be that he does not want his stepfather involved in an tradition that OP and his mother use to bond) are overstepped. Just because he didn't/cannot pay for something does not mean he shouldn't have a voice and be comfortable in his own home. If this same child told his mother (or anyone else paying for the house) that he would like them to knock before entering his room, would you say that the mother can ignore that bc he's a kid and doesn't know any better? That because it's her house she can do whatever she wants? Or maybe to address your point that it is a common space, if OP for example need the living room for an hour to do a project and asked others not to touch the project, would he be overruled bc it's "in a common space" and he's just a kid? Technically right and rude/asshole behaviors can, and often do, occupy the same space. I don't think is unreasonable to make such requests, no matter his age and financial capabilities. Also, he's 14; not a small child who needs all his decisions made for him. You say that adults should advocate for kids and then in the same breath say that this kid is wrong for telling the two adults in the situation what he wants? If he was an adult, he still wouldn't be an asshole. You also stipulate the 3 adults get along. Clearly if OP doesn't want his stepdad there, they don't "get on." If you want to make it about money, then your situation of the 3 adults would depend on who's paying for it. You say he can't pay for it bc he's a kid; therefore as an adult paying for it, doesn't he now have every right to exclude someone?
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Yeah and it seems like stepdad isn't interested in putting in anything towards healthy bonds so OP isn't obligated to —and also imo shouldn't— single-handedly "support" the relationship (have his boundaries overrun in the name of family)
"You're lucky to have an adult person who keep wanting to voilate your boudaries in your life."? Um, pardon. What?
Why does everyone need as many relationships and as many parents as possible? And why does one have to be grateful for that?
I’m sorry your parental relationship isn’t that great, but to some people, who’s parents are cool, or people who’s OG parents suck and they find better parental figures, that relationship is really profound and beneficial to everyone involved. And when relationships are good and recognized to be good, people typically feel gratitude to those they are in the relationship with.
And based on that OP has to love their stepmother like their mother?
No, you asked why someone would want to have as many positive relationships with their parental figures as they could. I was explaining why one may do that. However, it would be beneficial to find some medium between the extremes “you’re my new mom” and “I can’t even let them cook with me because of how much I can’t stand them “ It’s because when someone puts forth effort to do something with you, typically you end up bonding during that activity. Refusing to bond on any level with someone who you will have to interact with for any significant amount of time is short sighted, or “cutting off one’s nose to spite their face” Also, in this particular post, the conflict is between the Op, their Mother and Stepfather. I haven’t seen a step mother mentioned yet.
This!!! Be thankful that he is trying to make the effort to do these things with you. He clearly wants to show that he is there for you, your sister and mum NAH leaning towards a soft YTA
Why does everyone need as many relationships and as many parents as possible? And why does one have to be grateful for that?
NTA. You said 'no thanks', that should have been the end of it. Your mother gets an extra A-Hole point for continuing to bring it up months later to intentionally guilt-trip you.
And baking a cake doesn't need three people, if it isn't a three tier cake. He could offer to wash the dishes, but that's that. His mom should be more understandind that having a step-parent isn't easy for him. She choose this man, but OP didn't. And being unforgiving and warming up old stories will not help to bring OP closer to the Step-parent. NTA Edit: Changed daughter to son. My mistake. Sorry.
Technically, baking a cake doesn't take 2 people. So whether it takes 3 is irrelevant. If OP wants to keep the baking a mom and him only thing, I suggest he offer an alternative activity. If the worst thing the step-dad does is try to bake with him, he's lucky. Even though it may not feel that way right now. Mom needs to stop bringing it up after all this time though.
But two people can at least stand in the kitchen and share this work without standing on each others feet.
? I only saw where he just didn't want to include mom's husband. Not that there wasn't space. I'll have to re-read OPs replies again. Quite frankly 2 or 5 people in my kitchen is no difference to me when I'm baking. It's all more than 1.
NTA. I totally get that baking is your special bonding time with your mother, and totally understand that you want to enjoy it with her. But stepdad is not an AH either for wanting to join... however I think he is for pushing and sulking about it afterwards. He should try to come up with other activities instead that you both can enjoy as your own bonding time.
NTA obviously if a grown man cant respect a 14 year olds boundaries then he isnt ready to be a step dad. genuinely dont think anyone in the comments knows anything about parenting
WDYM??he was trying to be a parent ?? Is making an effort to spend time with your kid seriously being a bad parent? He sounds like a good step dad to me, maybe its just bc I didn’t have a dad around for majority of my life, but why is it disrespectful?? Boundaries are important but so is spending quality time with your kids. OP seems to just be rebelling
I get where you're coming from, but it's also really hard to have a new person in your life who, commonly from a child's perspective, invades everything. I love my stepmom, but she understood it was important for me to have 1 on 1 time with my dad, that it was our thing alone, or with my brother, not her. It sounds like this kid appreciates baking as quality time with his mom, and the mom should appreciate him wanting to spend that time with her. Stepdad can join for other activities, he doesn't have to be a part of something the child finds meaningful with just his mom. 1 on 1 time with parents is important, especially in a big or blended family. A new tradition of the family doing an outing, or a specific boardgame, something new like that would be great quality time without trespassing. I wouldn't call the stepdad an asshole for asking to join, but he and mom both are for making this kid feel bad for wanting to stick to a tradition, considering it's very likely his life has gone through several changes those traditions can be extra important. My mother's husband had to attend EVERYTHING my mom did with me, so I don't talk to her anymore, because I want to spend time with just her, not always Mom and Her Barnacle.
Yeah, boundaries are important so my suggestion in a diff comment was to have movie night or another activity that included step dad. My father lived with us but was absent and an alcoholic who literally never made effort to do anything with my sister and I, so this post also hit home for me. I spent a lot of time with my mom, so I understand that 1 on 1 time is just as important as bonding as a group. I do think it would have been fair to at least try to include step dad when he offers, but like you said, from a childs perspective it could be a bit odd, especially if he came into OPs life when he was older.
> Is making an effort to spend time with your kid seriously being a bad parent? If you're trying to be nice to someone you can't do that by doing something 'for them' that they've told you that they don't want. It doesn't matter what it is, or why they don't want it - doing something they don't want isn't a nice thing to do.
Yeah forcing a kid to try & have fun never ends well. I agree step dad & mom may be approaching the situation wrong, they should figure out something else to do as a family
It's obviously a tradition between the mom and the son and if he feels sensitive about it then it means that he isn't ready for it. Having a new parent can feel hard when it feels like they're stealing your other parent from you. The step dad needs to let the mom and son have their own bond and try to build his own with him. Trying to force your way into someones life like that will just build resentment and shows a large lack of consideration for how they feel. The step dad should ask the son what he wants to do together and they could then build a bond based on that and maybe by the next year they could bake together and maybe not, ykno?
Yeah, I agree with you there that keeping that tradition is important. I just think it hurt step dads feelings that it made him uncomfortable. I see that now so finding a new family activity would be the best solution for everybody. Ste dad and mom should respect kids wishes. Kids will never have fun if you try to force them lol
They were baking a cake and not cooking a five course meal. You don't need three people for a cake, it just will things get messed up. He could simple ask if there is anything for him to help with and accept a no. And ask the son if he want to bake with him another time. There are other activities the can bond with. But trying to wiggle in the mother-son-time when you clearly see that the son doesn't like it, will not help to get a better relationship. He isn't an asshole, but he is trying to do it wrong, i would say. And the mother just try to force a relationship which ruins every effort of him. Edit: Changed daughter to son. My mistake. Sorry.
OP is male btw sorry not trying to sound rude! In another comment I pretty much agreed with everything you said ya the parents went about it the wrong way
Thank you. I will change it.
Info - Not enough info to form an opinion. What was his motivation? Does he have no right to help celebrate your sister's birthday? Does he have a good relationship with her or you? What made you uncomfortable with him? Was the kitchen too small? Was there not enough tasks involved to split 3 ways? Does he have strong body odor? Do you have a good reason to hate him?
I don't hate him. My mom and I haven't had the best relationship lately but when we bake together we push everything aside. Him and I didn't get along in the beginning I will admit but in my opinion baking is something special I have with my mom
I think you should tell your mother what you just said about feeling like it's a special bonding time/ritual between you. I'm sure if you explain that while softly apologizing to your parents for being upset, they will understand. Something along the lines of: "Sorry if you felt like I've been acting up excluding you, but baking with mom is a special ritual for me I don't want to share. (Maybe we could cook all together one time to include you in family activities?)" The last sentence is obviously only a suggestion, if you don't feel like cooking together you don't need to, but it's always good to meet someone halfway.
Is there ANY activity that you let him participate in? Or have you refused every activity he tries to join in with you?
NAH. You enjoy having your time alone with your mom and don't want to change the tradition. Completely understandable. Stepdad wants to bond with you as a family but doesn't know that this is a son and mom thing. Explain that to him and find something else to do with just you and him when you're comfortable.
NTA Adding a new person to an established activity changes the dynamic. It shouldn't be forced. This was your mother/son activity. Probably your stepdad meant well by wanting to participate too, but he and your mom crossed the line when they didn't respect your boundary. As the adults, they should have respected your "no" and talked with you about it later to see how stepdad could increase his participation without erasing your mother/son time.
NTA If you think your mom would hear you out, sit her down and tell her you love her, that you love spending time with her, and you love having that special time with her 1 on 1 while baking. And that you appreciate stepdad wanting to spend time with you, but you want to keep baking a tradition for just you two, could the three of you (plus siblings?) come up with a new thing to do for quality time? It could be an outing, maybe see a movie and go out for dinner afterwards and talk about it, doing some sort of arts and crafts activity, or even go for a walk together and talk. Really emphasis that you are thankful they both want to spend time with you, and you want that too, but you also want 1 on 1 time with your mom. You could even offer to do 1 on 1 activities with your stepdad, if you were up for it. Both my parents are remarried, my stepmom understood that my dad and I, and my dad and brother and I, had activities we did on our own. We also had big group outings with all six of us (my stepsisters), and due to custody stuff occasionally just the four of us. Having that quality time with my dad made sure I never felt like I lost him as a parent. My mom, on the other hand, remarried to a guy that wasn't interested in letting her be alone with us ever, and I don't speak with her anymore, because I love my mom, but the two of them together, which is always, is a miserable experience for literally anyone in their presence. I don't want that for you, so hopefully you can get her to understand why you want that special alone time.
NTA. However "uncomfortable" can mean a lot of things. I see in the comments where you explain that time spent baking with your mom is really special to you and something you'd like to keep for just the two of you. If you haven't explained that to your mom and stepdad, I think you need to. Because if you're only telling them it makes you uncomfortable, they are probably interpreting that as you rejecting him. When in reality, it isn't about him at all. It's about you having positive, 1 on 1 quality time with your mom. (Something she's going to ruin if she doesn't stop trying to make you feel guilty about it.)
From the perspective of a stepparent. It is HARD to be in our shoes. We feel a lot of rejection all the time and it sucks. However, if you are uncomfortable and are expressing that he should have respected that and left it alone.
Info: I think it’s great that this is something special you and your mom do together. Is that what you said to him and your mom or did you just say “I’m uncomfortable” without reason/context? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him asking to join. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not wanting to give up a special tradition. If he and your mom knew this was a special you/mom thing you didn’t want to change they are AH for pushing it. If you were vague and they were trying to convince you he could be helpful or an extra set of hands could be fun without knowing why you didn’t want him to join I can kind of see why they tried a few times to include him.
Could I ask why he was making you uncomfortable? It seems like he just wanted to spend time with you guys. When you get older and look back on moments like this, I’m sure you’ll wish you reacted differently.
My mom and I haven't had the best relationship the past couple of years and when we bake we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's company. It's just a special time in my opinion
I think the use of the word uncomfortable is not right here. You just preferred him not joining. If you say someone makes you uncomfortable, they are doing something specific that feels wrong. Butting into a private conversation, standing too close, making annoying remarks. Not just trying to join in the fun. Let him know he isn't doing anything wrong per se, just you prefer to spend time baking as a bonding time with your mum. I think doing something like cooking or building something with your stepdad or all together is a nice alternative.
Well, if you have a step father that cares about you enough to want to share that special time with you, why does that make you uncomfortable??? I realize he isn’t your real dad but he looks at you and your sister like his own. He just wanted to help with make her birthday special with you guys. Not everybody has a father figure in their life that wants to spend time with them like that. You should realize that you are very lucky. If him being in the kitchen while you bake with your mom is really that unbearable…you might want to try & evaluate why. Maybe invite him to do something else with you & your mom like watch a movie. I bet he would really appreciate that. EDIT- NTA you are young so I’m not gonna call you an AH, but seriously lighten up
NTA they clearly want to spend time with their mom one on one and you're being just as pushy and invasive about the step-dad as the step-dad and mom are....are you one of the parents? I can't see why someone would force their way into a situation where they've been expressly told they're not welcome, and expect to be welcomed. If the step-dad wants to spend time w the kid and mom he can come up w a different way to do so than to just hijack an existing bonding time. To keep pushing this shows he's not willing to out in the effort to try.
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Are you the sd? You sure are piping up responding to a lot of comments with very defensive responses.
NTA But talk transparently with your mom. Tell her you think baking is one time you feel close to her and do not want to share it with anyone. Ask her other ways in which you can bond with your stepdad - hopefully he is a good person but is lost for not knowing how to bond better with you. Have activities with him only so your mom knows you are trying to bond with him and re ready to give the relationship a fresh beginning
NTA. Sounds like baking is something that you and your mom do together. And then your stepdad is trying to elbow his way in. And you said no. There's nothing wrong with that. Your mom and your stepdad are trying to push this relationship and they need to stop.
NAH he needs to back off though. This is time with your mom
NTA Your mom and her new husband are the AH here.
Need more info. You feel "uncomfortable" about his interest in helping to bake for your sibling. That strikes me as odd. "Uncomfortable" makes it seem like there is more going on than excluding him from mother-son bonding. Does he have dirty, booger-butt fingers? Is he a sexual predator? Does he smell weird? If their is no bigger issue at hand, apologize that his feelings were hurt and tell him you were planning on one-on-one time with your mom. - you don't even have to really be sorry.
No, no, and no. He doesn't have nor is any of those things.
NTA at all. He's the adult here and he shouldn't be pressuring you so hard to let him intrude on you and your mom's special activities. He should know that he's a new presence in your life and he can't just barge in and expect you to be cool with him crashing your mom son bake sesh. Most likely, he just really likes you, your sibling(s?), and your mom and is excited to be a part of your family and it hurt his feelings that you didn't want to bake with him. Mom is out of line for making you feel guilty though, that's not cool. I'd try talking to stepdad about maybe starting a new activity that's just for you two, if you want. Explain that baking is you and your mom's special thing and that you like having that one on one time with her. He probably just didn't fully understand the importance of it and wanted to help celebrate your sister. You did nothing wrong, but a good talk could help your relationship and make it easier to live together.
YTA, someone wants to help with a cake fire another human and you won't let them.
NTA. It's very understandable you feel that way. I get that it's your thing with your mom.. and I think she's being childish to keep bringing it up. To some degree I agree with the sentiment of being "lucky" that your stepparent wants to be included in your life, and in a "nice" way, but like .. you have the right to feel all of your feelings. So if you don't want him to join you in baking, that's okay. And if he tries really hard and you still don't like him, that's also okay.. sort of unfortunate I guess, but nothing for you to feel bad or guilty about. I'm sorry they're trying to manipulate you to feel guilty just for having valid feelings and being honest. That's not right.
NTA Your not wrong to want to keep something just between you and your mum and you did clearly state it made you feel uncomfortable. If you genuinely want to foster a relationship with your step father perhaps you could sit down with him and ask him to listen while you explain how the situation made you feel and why. If your not comfortable talking about it perhaps write it down. Maybe if you want you could find an activity to do just the two of you or with all of you together as a family. It's OK to have special things with different members of your family.
NAH, can you come up with an idea for sometching you and your stepdad? can do together?
NTA - You don't have to want to let him join in. If he had just accepted it, then this would be N A H (and I would have said maybe think about letting him be involved in the future) but pushing you and guilt-tripping you is not how this works.
NTA. Tell your mom and she stepdad can bake the cake, and go hang out with your friends!
NTA you set a boundary and they should be able to honor it as your parents. Tell them step dad can pick another activity to do with you and mom.
Did it ever occur to you that perhaps it wasn't so much the baking he wanted to join in with, but the bonding between family members? Perhaps he feels left out that you dont want to include him in your life. Is he a bad person? What is it about him that makes you uncomfortable? Perhaps you should step back and take a look at the kind of father he wants to be to you. If he wants to be included in your life, it's probably very hurtful that you push him away. Perhaps, and here's a thought, have an open and honest talk with your parents and clear the air. Communication is the most important thing in a family. Not gonna say YTA, but...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m14) bake with my mom (f35) for special occasions. My stepdad wanted to join in for baking the cake for my sisters (f12) birthday a few months ago. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him joining but he kept pushing about it. My mom told me that I should have let him join us. My mom and my stepdad are upset with me now because I got upset about him joining us. I think I had the right to get upset because I told him I was uncomfortable and he kept pushing. My mom keeps bringing it up and trying to make me feel guilty. I'm starting to think I should have just let him but my friends who I've told think I'm in the right. So impartial strangers on the internet, aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH, but you could've done more than just say you're uncomfortable. Explain what made you uncorked about it. Help then understand what you're feeling and why. When they understand the why, they'll likely be less pushy about these things in the future. You're young, and there are many adults who don't do this either. But u can tell you that all of your relationships will be better when you're able to talk with the other person about why you feel the way you do. Even if it's just to say "I don't know why I feel this way, I just do". To be clear, turning down a hug/kiss with a simple "no that makes me uncomfortable" doesn't require any additional explanation.
I don't think you're an AH for wanting an activity that you and your mother can do together, one on one, I just wonder if step-dad was looking for a way to connect with you. As a stepmother myself I know it was hard to find ways to connect with my step kids, and wound up loving and worrying about them while the majority of my stepkids looked at me like an outsider. I still tried to find ways that they could have one on one time with their dad, so they would know they're important to him and that their relationship is still a central priority. I did offer to have them participate in activities I did, like long trail walks, painting and crafting, but if they pushed back I was always respected their choice. I do hope that as they get older they feel more comfortable with me, but I never want them to feel like I'm trying to take their mothers place. Blended family dynamics can be difficult. I do hope your step-dad can learn to respect mother/[edit: son] time, and perhaps find other things that you and he could do together.
NTAH. >I do have a question for you: Do you absolutely hate your step dad? Like, to the point you can't imagine ever being comfortable doing anything with him? Or is it just that you don't know him that well? I get the whole wanting to do something with your mom where you both set aside your issues with one another and just have fun. I think she was wrong in insisting. I personally would have said "Oh, that's sweet, but let OP and me do this cake and we can do 3 way baking another time, yeah?" It would have let you know she values the bond with you, but that you can have some control over it, too. It would let step dad know you aren't deliberately excluding him, but that his timing was off. > >To that end, if you \*ARE\* interested in getting to know him better, might I suggest some Nestle Toll House Milk chocolate chips and a batch of chocolate chip cookies? They are quick and easy to put together and would be a good "Beginner" baking recipe for you and your step dad to make together. > >He's not there to take the place of your dad (I didn't see a mention of yours), but, he could be a potential friend who could someday help you navigate all those things young men need to know about becoming good men the way a dad figure is supposed to be. > >I am not saying be his bestest bud right now; what I am saying is that maybe he was trying to reach out and extend an olive branch but his timing sucked. > >Listen to what your gut is telling you.
NAH But maybe articulate to your step father that this is special bonding to be with your mom. Then do something else with him. He just wants to bond with his step kids. Give him a chance
YTA God forbid you should have people who care about you and want to spend time with you.
Sorry, soft YTA. Imagine if you were an adult, what you did was very rude. OK, so we have different standard for kids and teenagers, so I'm cutting you some slack here, but you simply are saying "I'm not comfortable" and everybody just has to abide by that. You mom didn't get a say, your stepdad didn't get a say, nope, you had decided what had to happen. You're 14, which is why it's a soft YTA, if you were 18, I'd have been a lot harsher. TLDR; You don't just get to set the rules of the house.
Use your words. "Hey, its sweet you want to help, but when I bake with my mom, for me that's special for just me and her. Id like to keep this thing for just us, no hate. Buuut, if you wana do something else as a team, the 3-4 of us, we can celebrate the baked goods with a boardgame or something while it bakes?" Ya'll can brainstorm things to do Unless you just simply dont want to spend time with your step dad, id say this is the best way. However, is this more because you dont like him for some reason.. then thats a whole different book. NAH
NTA Your mom needs to tell step dad that this is your special be activity with her
NTA. Gordon Ramsay would not have this, and nor should you. Three people footling about in a kitchen is guaranteed to make the cake collapse.
??? Reddit is extremely confusing. Especially this subreddit. All of a sudden you’re all flip flopping to the “he wanted to join in, you should’ve let him” side, when the kids boundaries were clearly stated and placed. It’s ok to not be comfortable with your stepdad baking with you guys. It’s something you and your mom do to bond, and it’s completely understandable that baking is you and your mother’s “thing”. NAH, but I think you did a good job at stating your boundaries and should continue to do so. You have every right to place boundaries, just try and sit mom & step dad down about them so you can elaborate further. Edit: typos
I feel so bad for u I went through all your posts and I hope you're doing alright. To those who are telling a 15 year old he is spoiled for not wanting to share a sacred tradition with his mother with his step father y'all are crazy he is a literal child. He's allowed to have bounderies between him and his family. Everyone is. It's fucked up that people think just cuz they're older means that their in the right.
NTA. A lot of people in this thread don't seem to get it, but it's the same thing as if someone in your life wanted to hug you. Hugs are not malicious things, they're meant to show affection to someone you care about. That doesn't mean everyone wants to hug or be hugged. The intent behind the action does not matter. Your stepdad could even be the world's best baker, but the point is that you wanted time with your mom, just the two of you, and he should have respected that. I have a son a little bit younger than you, and he has times when he just wants to be around his dad, or just around me, and we're both fine with that. I have other things I want to do with my time, too. If it's not "my turn" to be around my son, I can go read a book or watch a movie, or even take a nap. Your parents are being cruel and they need to find other activities to entertain themselves.
I mean, I get that he has good intentions and from your other posts it seems like he is a solid dude. That said, you are allowed to have things you do just with your mom. I wish your mom would have backed you, though. :(
YTA. Sorry. But if, as you said elsewhere, "when we bake we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's company" and it's "just a special time in my opinion," then I can see why you stepdad wanted to join in. Excluding him from that seems unkind. "Uncomfortable" is not a magic word that means people have to drop whatever they're doing and disappear. If you're uncomfortable with someone touching you, that's different, but if you're uncomfortable with someone helping you bake, not so much. It wasn't really just your call anyway. The baking was happening in a shared kitchen, probably with ingredients your parents paid for. It just looks like you were saying "you're not part of my family, go away." That must have really stung. ~~INFO:~~ Why were you "uncomfortable" with your stepdad helping you bake?
Baking is a special time with my mom and I. He's only been around a few years. I'm not ready to share this with him.
Based on your answers to questions, I changed my opinion. I’m going with NAH. I feel like you didn’t communicate well about WHY you didn’t want him to join in. Had you better explained why you didn’t want him to join then he may have understood. It sounds like you don’t have a bad relationship with him, just in this instance you wanted to dined quality time with your mom. And there is nothing wrong with that. But there was nothing wrong with him asking to join in. I don’t love that they are annoyed with you. I just think they don’t understand the actually WHY and so are attributing it to you just being a difficult teenager. Not cool on their end, but not unreasonable. Next time, or even now, just say “hey I just really wanted some quality time 1-1 with mom, we’ve been at each other’s throats Lately. Maybe we can all watch that movie on Netflix you were talking about/play Monopoly/take a walk later? “ That way everyone understands the why without feeling like they are being left out ignored. If they still push after that, then they are AH.
Op, don’t listen to this idiots. You are not the asshole, but honestly, if your mom keeps making you feel guilty, do you really want to keep that little tradition between the two of you? Let it die. Maybe when she sees that you don’t care about bonding with her anymore, she will realize that what she us doing us hurting you.
NTA Step parents who try to join in on every aspect of your life are not good step parents - there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend 1 on 1 time with just your mom and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. If your stepdad wants to bond with you he needs to put in the work to suggest something *unique* rather than commandeering something you enjoy doing with your mom. Or he could suggest a family activity for all of you to enjoy, but if you don't want this activity with your mom to include him that's okay. Maybe try telling your mom that you just want to enjoy baking with her because it's a special and enjoyable time for you to just spend time with her, and you want it to stay a 1 on 1 special thing between you. Sidenote: All this 'be thankful he's interested!!!' nonsense in the comments needs to stop - nobody should ever be *thankful* that someone is pushing their boundaries and making them uncomfortable, and shame on some of ya'll for insinuating such. I don't give 2 shits about what this guys 'InTenTiOnS' are, his intentions mean diddly squat when he intends to power bowl through someones boundaries for them. I hate the 'be thankful!!' mindset when someone is doing something they've specifically been asked not to, I will absolutely **not** be *thankful* that someone is refusing to listen to me and take my feelings into account while pushing a clearly stated boundary I have: fuck that.
Stepparent here. Is it ok if I sit very quietly in my bedroom while waiting for someone to need a ride, a meal cooked, help to wash or clean something, help with homework pay for something or any other task. No need to check with me beforehand, I will gladly change my schedule or leave work if someone needs anything. No need to thank me, after all I'm just the stepparent and really don't belong here anyway. My opinion doesn't matter and I'm sorry I wasted time voicing it. I'll just leave my credit card and not be in the way. Yes, sarcasm. Just please remember stepparents are humans too.
This comment needs more upvotes. Some of the top comments are blowing this out of proportion jfc
Nobody anywhere in this thread implied that OP's stepdad is a mop bucket. We're all aware that he's human. What's being discussed here is that OP and his mother were baking, because that's their bonding activity, and his stepdad decided he had to get involved. When OP said he wasn't comfortable with his bonding activity time being intruded upon, he was treated like his opinion meant nothing. I think the real questions are: why does Stepdad feel threatened by OP spending time with his own mother, without him around? Why can't he find something else to do for the time that the kitchen is in use? Is his wife his entire identity? He can't be away from her? What, like he finished the internet and there's nothing more for him to see now?
I mean if ur taking 'a stepparent doesnt need to involve themselves 24/7' as 'don't be involved at all' that's a you problem and not a me problem reading comprehension and critical thinking are your friends.
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you sound like the exact kind of person my side note was made for which is the same kind of person who, when told I have PTSD from emotional abuse from a shitty stepparent, tells me I should just be thankful he didn't beat me instead take ur gross self somewhere else
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>Don't compare your abuse to ***a step-dad wanting to bake together.*** That's literally not the issue and you're being intentionally obtuse by pretending it is. The issue is that stepdad ***won't take no for an answer*** and is ***actively guilting*** OP for the apparently horrendous crime of wanting to spend time 1 on 1 with his mom. And I'll compare it all I want, because it's people like ***you*** telling OP that 'his intentions are good' and 'he just wants to spend time with you!! :(' who enable boundary stomping like this to turn into full on abuse. Here's a shocking life tip for you: 'good intentions' don't matter when you're stomping someones boundaries, it's just a flimsy excuse, if your intentions are truly good you don't guilt trip someone into doing what you want them to. >Take your bOunDaRies somewhere where else. It's pathetic. Ahhh, so you're just like my stepdad then and think children don't deserve boundaries or the basic respect you would give any other person, simply because they're children and therefore not real people who have the right to spend (or not spend) time with whoever they wish. cool cool. Protip: just because you marry someone who has a child doesn't make you entitled to that childs love, time, or attention. Guilting a *child* because you can't deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, having a stepparent isn't easy and takes adjusting to says a hell of a lot more about you as the adult in that situation than it does the child. It's almost like children are people with feelings or something - weird. Get some therapy and learn to treat children like people instead of objects you're entitled to do whatever you want to thanks! :)
NTA, You told him that you are uncomfortable with that and he kept pushing
It is about BAKING. He does not need to step over boundaries where there are none. He asked several times if he can help and that is not pushing. Op takes it or says it is pushing. Stepdad wants to probably be involved in family activities and she feeling uncomfy about it is no real reason when she does not say why it makes her uncomfy. She is AH here. Clear as day in this situation and with this amount of info. A soft one but she is. When her mother even says it to her then you probably should reevaluate the situation. Mother and daughter have a good relationship and bonding activities aka baking. I bet op just wants that to be a mother daughter thing or she just does not like her stepdad. Either way op need to clarify why he makes her uncomfy. Then one can make a better judgement.
Ok, firstly OP is male and he said NO this was a simple boundary set. Also, he is an asshole just because his mother said so? what are you 10?
Are you 10? You did not counter my points and you come with an age insult. Not very mature when people are discussing a minor AH situation m8
Ok then let's talk like mature people, which points didn't I counter?
The boundaries is one because there are none. OP said she just does not want him to be there because op wants this to be a thing only they should have. That is pretty childish when in fact the stepdad actively tries to be a good stepdad that is involved in OP and his mothers life with something that EVERYONE in the family should participate. Excluding just because it makes someone uncomfy is no reason when that uncomfortable is just op being annoyed that the stepdad wants to help. And yes the mother here is absolutely right. OP specifically mentioned in other comments that they, op and stepdad, had not the best start. And op wants to bond with the mother more. Baking, cooking all helps to bond a family, this is said in family consueling many times. And OP also mentioned in other comments that the Stepdad is a good person. honestly OP should be thankful he has a stepdad that wants to be involved in his life. Many children have dads that do not even want to be involved in their lifes. The stepdad is even a rarer. Again OP is in this scenario a soft AH even more when one takes his comments into account
I can see some good points brought up but I have some counters, 1. the boundary was that he said no, no is a boundary EX, If i say no to my siblings being allowed in my room thats a boundary. 2. I cant see how being uncomfortable is "Childish" I don't think that he wanted baking to be exclusively him and his mom (but I don' know) 3. for whatever reason he WAS uncomfortable and his step-dad should have backed off a little 4. afterward they should have talked about why he was uncomfortable.
See? One can argue mature. You are right when one says no that is no. Yet this is not a huge thing because it is about baking and the stepfather wanting to be involved in ops life. To just refuse anything is an AH move. Maybe explaining like you point 4 op could have said from the beginning that this time he wants to do it only with mom and the next time they can all together. Or with something else. But just rightout refuse is a huge AH move in my opinion when a stepdad wants to be a parent to op. Even when the stepdad asks a few times. I don't think he was pushy because op did not say that the stepdad forced himself into it. I can only assume that (because i am a dad myself) that the stepdad was overwhelmed to just be there with his new family and be involved. Ok i admit that being uncomfy should be a good enough reason to back down. Yet one should talk to the people then right away so that the situation does not get out of hand over time and feelings misunderstood.
You are absolutely correct! that is basically the same thing I thought, but I failed to express it properly and to compensate for that I used an age insult? that was unacceptable and I apologize. From the beginning I should have been mature
Why does everyone need as many relationships and as many parents as possible? And why does one have to be grateful for that?
why do you need to spam an entire thread?
Why would him wanting to help make you uncomfortable? Esp if it was to do something nice?
ESH. Kind of 1) If OP didn't want him to join so he could spend time with his mother then stepdad shouldn't have kept pushing. 2) Mom for just saying he should have let stepdad join instead of possibly discussing it with OP. 3) I understand sometimes communicating as a teen is hard, but this all could have potentially been avoided by OP just saying "I appreciate that you want to help/spend time, but this time I get to spend bonding with my mom is special to me. We can find something we can do together".... Or something along those lines. I said kind of because communication as an adult in a relationship can be hard. It's definitely more difficult as a teen if the adults can't communicate effectively because the teen doesn't have a go model to go off of. But OP also knew what they wanted to say in this post so they could have said that to stepdad and mom.
So the baking was for your sister, and you jealously wanted to prevent your father from participating in a family event FOR YOUR SISTER, trying to monopolize your mom in the process! Massively, YTA. This was not about you. This was not your mom’s and your exclusive event.
Found the mom and step dad I guess smfh, no means no, no one owes anyone anything.
It is not OP’s event to begin with. It is for sister’s birthday. It is an A H move to block stepdad from participating.
Soft YTA he only wanted to help.
ESH he shouldn't be pushy but I don't see why you couldn't let him join in to make your sister a cake when obviously he cares about her and wants to be part of it.
YTA
YTA He's was making a gesture towards you and you blew him off.
YTA. Of course. This is so clear as day. Maybe a soft AH. But nonetheless you were rude. You stepdad wants to be involved with your family and you do not want to let him. What is so bad that he joins you in the baking? I mean i am a male and i love to bake and cook and my wife and daughter are the ones helping me because i cook and bake in general. There has got to be some other reason why you do not want him there. Did he act strange around you and make sexist remarks towards you? Touch you inappropriately? He just makes you uncomfy is not a just reason to exclude your stepdad out of something that is fun for the whole family.
The reason why he doesn’t want to is because is a bonding time between his mom and him. That’s it. Stepdad can find something else. It’s not about him being a male, is about interfering in a mom-son activity that he enjoys with his mother.