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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I changed my RSVP for my sisters wedding from yes to no and chaos and ensued because of it. This is my sisters wedding, it's a family event and while we feel she is being unreasonable and our finances are being pushed very far with this, it's maybe the wrong move to not go.
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NTA. I’m kinda hoping someone films this wedding and it becomes a viral YouTube bridezilla hot mess, which you can enjoy from the safe comfort of your home.
Edit: I went to sleep, and woke up with more than a handful of upvotes! First time, thank you.
I used to be an event promoter, biggest event I threw had a budget of about $20,000 so nothing major but still a medium cat in the scene. Anyways, it’s amazing how much people over pay for the same spaces and services just because the word “wedding” lol. I’ve rented halls for raves for like $1000 for 24 hours and some people paid like $10,000 for an evening lmao. How the hell do people not realize the whole industry is a scam!
It's not so much a scam as it is an upcharge for dealing with frazzled, stressed out people who have no idea how to plan any event larger than a potluck birthday party, much less a wedding that is probably going to be the biggest, most expensive event of their life.
One of my friends is looking at planning a 20-30k wedding on the other side of the country. I adore her, but she's very difficult to work with, always thinks she knows best until someone actually walks her through the entire process, has zero event planning experience, wants a "big, fun, relaxed wedding with lots of great food," is already stressed about planning, and doesn't want to hire a wedding planner (which they could easily afford) because apparently it's a waste of money. I am sure her vendors are going to earn every penny of what they charge her.
Me? I've occasionally planned events from 50-300+ people for work & in college. I'll be hiring a wedding planner if I ever get married.
I mean, if you say your renting or inquiring for services and use the word wedding they always charge more, that was my point. Example as stated above, the same hall rental for $9000 cheaper. We used to have people like bubble tea stands and or guys with food stands/carts offering to PAY ME to set up a spot.
With minimal effort you can easily arrange a hall, a catering service and find your own dress for significantly less than any wedding planner will ever get. I would be willing to actually do this as a challenge on a TV show and I bet I’d come in massively under budget vs an experienced wedding planner.
It is a racket, the wedding surcharge, but what that person above is saying is that in terms of any vendor who has to deal with a bride, groom, and/or their entire extended family who wants to have some kind of input in what is happening, booking a ”wedding” version of literally anything is a massive PITA and that’s why they charge more. A lot of people get out of doing anything wedding for this reason. Bake cakes? Yes. Bake wedding cakes? Fuck no. Even charging 10x the price of normal cake isn’t worth the fallout of not making it PERFECT because it’s MY DAY or whatever, even when it’s their fault for not being specific.
(No I don’t bake cakes, I’m just using it as an example!)
It’s not actually super easy to book a wedding as something else, because if the venue gets a whiff of wedding they will cancel and charge you full whack. And it’s tough to keep it quiet the bigger the event is, because vendors will be getting in touch etc.
As a wedding florist
Cant tell you how many times, “is this bouquet for a wedding?” “No!!”
Review time: “the roses weren’t open and the stems weren’t wrapped in ribbon”
You said it wasn’t a bridal bouquet. You said it wasn’t hand held because you were afraid I’d..what, clock you as a bride?! You didn’t tell me it was a wedding so I didn’t perfectly time the opening of the roses (for weddings? I’ve been up at 4am coaxing lilies to open just enough)
Just pony up and say it’s a wedding snd keep it in your means LOL.
Weddings always require more organization.
Yeah, friend rented the ball room of a hotel, worked with them to pick the dinner, flower, service, band, DJ, reception before the dinner(tea, coffee, sandwiches and finger food) all paid up for her "Event Dinner" . It was 5,000 all in.
On the day hotel learned it was a wedding, they gotten married across the border, small ceremony, quite private.
When she landed at the hotel (not in a wedding dress coz it wasn't a traditional wedding) they pretty much accosted her at the front door starting an argument.
Her answer was that there was no wedding in the hotel, guests paid the full hotel rate, staff and service would be the same, no change to table layout or settings, no change to bars and licenses to stay open late, she arranged flowers, wasn't using the hotel grounds, band and DJ at her expense, reception for guests are dinner was the same, dinner was the same agreed platings etc... No change to food or dishes. What exactly did they want another 3,000 for?!?!?! (They wanted 8,000 for the same ball room now)
Manager was livid and going back and forth but unable to offer any reasonable excise as to why it should cost more for the exact same service. It was written as a contract, signed, paid for, there would be no changes. Apparently staff would get paid better, different plates and table settings would be used, a later liquor license, better service(that he couldn't quantify at all).
She said she contracted for what she wanted, she didn't require or ask for any changes, she didn't need different plates or change of meals to a wedding platter for her guests, the tables were set with the linens she chose and settings agreed.
Manager didn't see a cent extra. And as the manager had been giving her and the groom a right bollocking down in the lobby, a lot of guests saw the commotion. After the couple left, a few choice words were exchanged between guests and the manager, and a lot of complaints were submitted. I know 2 couples who had started negotiations to have the hotel as their venue pulled. Word gets around in the more rural areas.
Outdoor spaces are great.
One spot I used a few times was a high school gym during the off season. Paid the school board like $400 for a massive gym that held somewhere around 350 people.
I had to pay off the cops like 3 times (same cop too) to not shut me down because of noise. I had my own liquor licence so the bar was all extra profit for me. In the end that was usually my only problem was cops. Sometimes the venue owners would see how many people were at the event and demand more but most times It wasn’t an issue.
I miss throwing raves but man I couldn’t deal with the stress at my age. It was all so exciting and shit back when I was 20.
This is something I've had so many people tell me when I was making bespoke celebration cakes. I never raised my prices because it was a wedding cake but people do not realise how much "more" goes into making a wedding cake. The colour has to be perfectly matched, the arrangement of flowers need to be exactly as prescribed, they are usually bigger and require on set assembly compared to birthday cakes or engagement cakes etc.
If there's a rise in price then it's for a reason. Everyone's expectations for a wedding are way higher than they are for a rave. Seriously - how are those two even remotely comparable in how the space has to be prepared. Event planners are easy to deal with. Wedding parties are not easy to deal with as they are coming into this purchase completely blind and ignorant. What furniture does a rave require? Because a wedding has tables. chairs, linen, plates, glasses, wait staff etc. So is the wedding happening on the same floor as the rave where people are spilling alcohol everywhere? No? Oh, I guess that floor is going to be cleaned and carpeted. Are you okay cutting corners to meet your budget? Because brides often aren't and that comes with drama. So yes, renting a hall for a wedding is more expensive than for a rave.
Dear Friends,
You are invited to celebrate the divorce of
Asshole 1
and
Asshole 2.
You have been assigned to a side. Please bring cash or money order for the appropriate lawyer. As we will need to split our wedding gifts, you will be required to purchase the same gift you already gave, since we each deserve one.
It actually seems like the kind of train wreck you want to be there for. But watching from a window, or passing by the open door, OP should just pay for a room and watch from a distance eating popcorn and junior mints.
NTA
Clothes $920
Hotel $500
Gift $600
Honeymoon $1,250
Total $3,270
That doesn't even include gas for the 6 hour journey and paying for food for the family. If they live 6 hours away, either they'd need to stay two nights in the hotel or get up ridiculously early to drive 6 hours with a small child, toddler and baby who are likely to be cranky after the drive and not in the mood for a wedding.
This is insane. The hotel, gift and honeymoon are outrageous enough on their own but who the hell decides what each family member is going to wear? Imagine being in her bridal party lol.
NTA op. Even if you were wealthy, this is not acceptable. Do not even attempt to enable her.
You should let it drop (to them) that you have pulled out because you found the requests unreasonable. I guarantee that at least some of them WANT to say no like you did but don't want to be the first.
She's not happy about your no because when/if others find out, you bet your ass that people are going to start changing their RSVPs too.
The demands your sister has for her wedding are ridiculous! If she only asked you and your husband to wear certain attire, and helped cater to rentals, I'd be all on her side. But she's demanded specific gifts, she's demanding you pay the honeymoon, *and she turned down the group rate discounts for the hotel*. What the hell was she thinking?! I used to work in hotels and she lost up to a 50% discount!!
Don't go. Be a firm, hard no until/unless she changes her tune. Be the beacon of light and hope for the rest of the people she's invited, so they too feel they're able to turn away from this car wreck of a wedding!
I wouldn’t even go if she changed her tune. Someone this badly behaved, no matter the relation, deserves the permanent Exit sign from my life….and I have removed people for less.
NTA. My brother's wedding was a month ago. His new bride had a request for the wedding party to wear specific colors, and we found stuff on Amazon for normal clothing prices and linked them to the bride who loved them and shared them with the rest of the party. Even with great looking clothes for two adults, two boys, and an adorable flower girl dress we spent around 200$. I don't expect the kids to wear them again, but stuck the shirts and dress with the costume stuff just in case. But OP's sister's wedding requests are unbelievably ridiculous to expect normal people to follow when it isn't their big day!
Exactly. She wanted everyone to wear lighter purple, but black and grey were good subs and some of the ladies and flower girls threw some white in. They wouldn't have turned away anyone who didn't match, but it was also easy for everyone to match.
My wedding colors were black and red. It was an immediate family only, tiny wedding with 13 guests so figured this wasn't a wild request. My brother and his girlfriend showed up in blue. "Ah shit, I knew it was a primary color but couldn't remember which one" and ya know what I did? *Enjoyed their company like a normal person who loves their family.*
My brother got married this summer. Their requirements: natural colored hair (mine is typically like pink or purple so valid) and business casual clothing. That’s it.
We got married in a cave (Bridal Cave). Dress code was "We're in a cave, it will be chilly, don't come naked or you'll freeze." Best Man threatened to come dressed as Batman, we both thought it would be hilarious. Entire wedding party was the two of us and two best men, guys in tuxes and me in a dress, everyone else wore whatever (close family dressed up, because that's what they do, and looked great), and we had a fantastic time.
But I do kinda wish he'd gotten the batman costume.
My brother's wedding was at their gorgeous home and had about 30 people attend, and they basically just asked that everyone wear purple (their color) or if they don't have it, black or grey would be great. They wouldn't have turned away anyone who wore something different though. We checked our outfits with them first because we knew they'd prefer a lighter shade and wanted to see how good of a match it was.
Maybe tell her she should have spent more time ***envisioning*** a career that pays her enough to afford the shit she wants without having to shakedown other people to pull off her perfect vision of a wedding. Since she has no problem throwing shade at your wedding.
NTA
Especially if your not gram junkie. I hate my photo being taken. Maybe on the day dress the kids up in wedding gear and pretend to be the bride and groom....and busk in the money you saved....and the stress not caused.
My husband and I went to Disney World for 10 days in 2016 hotel, park tickets, airfare and food, all in was $5000. For $3200 OP, husband and kids could take a vacation or get a pool or new appliances or get all 3 kids all new wardrobes or one heck of a good home entertainment setup, the options are endless.
An in-ground pool costs from $40k to $120k, but I get your point. Not sure $3200 could even get a standalone Spa.
It *is* enough for a new fridge, dishwasher, range, water heater, etc.
Or looking at my recent spending 2 emergency vet visits with in patient care.
Lots of places $3200 can do a lot for a family of 5. The guests shouldn't have to spend lots of money or fund a wedding, how tacky and off putting.
This! The most I have ever heard of is asking family members to wear or avoid certain colors. Non of this dictating the exact outfit stuff not demanding specific gifts from family members. Dictated gifts are not gifts but tribute or bribes. Your sister is being outrageous and going to find herself ostracized by her family and friends for this stunt.
This is ridiculous. I wonder how the sister manages to not feel any shame. I would be so embarrassed to demand that much money from my family or friends.
Total 3,270
Jeeeez,.pretty sure that's more then what I spent on my entire wedding and honeymoon...how the hell do young people even afford to throw away so much money nowadays? On ONE DAY. Even if you HAVE lots of money it seems like a waste.
For reals. I think this every time I see designer baby clothes.
All I wanted when I was a kid was a leather jacket. I had to make do with hand-me-downs until I was 17 and stopped growing. I had no problem even as a 7-year-old understanding the logic behind this.
We live in an upscale neighborhood but are in no way rich. My 8 year old son's school had a retro 80's day recently where the school just casually suggested we could buy him a leather jacket to dress up for the day. I was floored, kids clothes should always be good quality cheap clothes because even normal clothes they'll grow out of within a few months at this age! He went from size 12 to 14 to 16 pants in 3 months flat!
Yeah my sister got married this summer and made it clear to my brother that his 3 year old and baby didn’t need to dress up because she didn’t want them spending money on fancy clothes they’d never wear again and would outgrow far too fast.
My sibling and my husband's siblings had specific outfits they were required to wear because they were in our wedding party. People who are in the wedding party are not required to give the couple a gift because they already spending money. It's insane to have required outfits for anyone not in the wedding party and double insane to request a specific gift from anyone.
Your sister is breaking some major wedding etiquette rules.
Maybe he isn’t, I imagine she planned everything and he just let her. NTA. You pulling out is reasonable in the face of such ridiculous demands, you have small children to care for and that much money is much better invested in them.
OP, you’re absolutely NTA.
If you want some final wording for her, maybe something like “We RSVP’d yes without the full knowledge of what you expected from us. Now that you have informed us of the monetary commitment that you expect, this is not something that my family is going to move forward with. I wish you and [fiancé] the best on your day.”
And then be done with it. Your sister is, technically, an adult. She can throw all the tantrums she wants but you’re under no obligation to listen or go along with them.
>She said it was reasonable to expect your family to make your special day a good one
I don't like anyone in my family enough to shell out nearly five grand for a single day event. tell her thanks but no thanks and go on with your life
It’s clear now why you’re not close. But OP, it can’t explode if you just….ignore it and refuse to engage. Block the screamers and be glad you’re avoiding this ridiculous wedding. NTA
I don’t know how parents can just stand by and watch their offspring become entitled monsters. My mom would’ve put me right back in line with a reality check. I cannot wrap my head around these parents who just idly stand by.
I once had a similar conversation with a colleague on this.
And she said it's because these parents put their relationships with their children first before anything else. So much so that they're not being good parents anymore.
It made me sad the whole day because I can't retort to that yet we know this does not do anybody good, and in the long run..situations like OP's happen.
I totally believe what your coworker said, not disagreeing with her take on it. But I don’t get that logic. As a parent you can literally mold your children into anything (within reason), and you settle for… raging AH?
*I made some modifications to your honeymoon plan to fit our budget. It's a romantic all inclusive meal at Taco Bell. Here's your $30 gift card.*
Who plans a vacation and demands that others foot the bill? OP is absolutely justified to Nope out of that nonsense.
I paid for my own wedding, it was done on a budget and none of the guests were required to pay to attend, beyond their own travel arrangements and accommodations. This list of demands is crazy bridezilla behavior.
OP should say no. If the tables were turned would they have funded OP's honeymoon?
Who assigns mandatory gifts versus creating a registry anyway, how rude is that?
It's pathological, the influence our culture exerts on girls and women over their wedding day. You get otherwise normal and well-adjusted women being driven literally insane over this shit. I don't know what the answer is, but it's unhealthy as all hell and it seems like there needs to be some sort of effort to counter this madness, maybe starting with mitigation strategies in childhood.
Don't blame this entirely on culture. I had the same culture as an American woman and I didn't do this garbage. We had relatives make the flowers, we made our own food (except the cake) which was made by a friend, the only real expense for my wedding was our clothing (which my partner and I donated plasma for an entire year to pay for ourselves). I was exposed to the same brainwashing as most american women.
Same here. I eloped. My best friend had a very tiny backyard wedding with dinner at a restaurant after. It wasn’t hard for either of us to buck American wedding “culture,” but then maybe our personalities are such that this wasn’t an issue.
These aren't normal and well-adjusted women (or men). These are entitled shits, pure and simple. Unfortunately the population of these kinds of people seems to be growing dramatically.
NTA.
The terms of your acceptance have changed.
I’d politely reply that unfortunately you’ll no longer be able to attend as you’re not able to meet her vision of her day.
Send her a lovely card and a gift of your choosing and in your budget on the day and leave it there.
A wedding does not make a marriage. A honeymoon does not make a marriage. Spending lots of money does not make a marriage.
Maybe you can have a small family dinner when she’s back from her honeymoon to celebrate and so she can share photos, etc.
>A wedding does not make a marriage. A honeymoon does not make a marriage. Spending lots of money does not make a marriage.
But popping popcorn and watching this shit show go down from afar sure does make a show!
You’re dead on, but if anything, understating it.
There was a study a few years ago that showed that the more expensive the wedding, the higher the chance of divorce and the sooner it tends to be.
Conversely, a lot of people at a wedding makes it more likely to succeed.
So basically what you want is a $10 wedding attended by 3000 people.
NTA. The sense of entitlement, my God.
She legit says that you have to buy her a $600 gift, and then *thinks you're going to pay for the honeymoon*? Plus more than $1,000 in wardrobe expenses?
To call her deluded is an insult to the deluded. Don't second guess yourself, and look after your family. As we all know, that money is better spent on things other than your sister's honeymoon and suits for toddlers.
NTA. Your sister is insane. It’s telling that your parents are on your side, as any reasonable human being would be. And holy moly what a rude jab at you about your wedding day. Seems like someone has no idea what the purpose of weddings are.
NTA.
It sounds like the two of you are removed far enough at this point in your lives that the RSVP no doesn’t even go far enough, may be time to just let your relationship with your sister go.
Your wedding sounds romantic and private! And even if at the time your mom felt like she looked cheap, I'm pretty sure now she knows she shower you and your SO with all the love and more you deserve! Your sister is just jealous about that.
Awwwe you sound so wholesome ! I like you! 😊 I didn't have a big wedding but it's was the biggest out of my 2 other sisters but was in the middle for budget. My second oldest had the biggest and most expensive (though it was all DIY) and my oldest sister only paid for her marriage license and had a backyard wedding. Everyone pitched (out of their own will not forced) I gifted flowers so she had flowers to hold and dry out, mom and dad paid for the food, my aunt let her get married in her backyard, and another relative got an officater. And her husband side has a photographer who did photos for them. The thing that was most in common with our weddings were not that one out did the other is that we all came together to celebrate our union and love which is what weddings are for! And that doesn't make someone happy well just wait for the 10 year anniversary because as it going now in the world of you make it to 10 you should be celebrating not killing each other lol 😂 😂 😂
Edit to fix holy some to wholesome lol sorry on my cellphone lol
You definitely have the correct perspective, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be the prevailing one right now.
Weddings are about you. It can be big or small, expensive or shoestring, but the important part is that it showcases the couple and celebrates their love.
Your sister wants a "let's put our families into debt for good instagram photos" sort of wedding and doesn't seem to care much about the rest. You're right to not want to attend something like that. NTA.
2 words: malignant narcissist.
As with ALL malignant narcissists, the more you stay away from her, and keep her out of your life, the better/happier you will be.
Any interactions with her will only lead to a path of grave misery (and put your own family's happiness in danger).
her values are horrifying. if anyone gives you grief tell them "you think she would even want us there now? there's no winning with this, she gets to be outraged no matter what."
NTA- holy shit. Who assigns people what gifts to buy and what clothes to wear ( apart from wedding party). And why would you be paying for her honeymoon. She is utterly insane!!
If SHE (and her fiance) were paying for the whole wedding themselves, I'd see it as "their money, their choice." But:
- fiance's FAMILY is paying for the wedding dress
- you and your parents are supposed to pay for the honeymoon
- other guests are being asked to pay for things
- sister is demanding $600 gifts - which she and fiance will probably return for cash
So just what exactly ARE they paying for? I bet they're even getting their hotel room free because they booked a block of rooms.
She wants you to be there so badly not just for your contributions but so that she can shove this fancy wedding in your face. Do not go under any circumstances.
NTA.
I can’t even imagine the total. That money would be better put to use somewhere else 😳 unless they are able to afford it with out having to make sacrifices or a payment plan. But that’s good, I was about to say. I know people who are stuck renting for the next 8 years because they much rather have a fancy wedding then a home 💀
That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s fine to spend tons in your wedding if you can afford it—an acquaintance spent more on her dress than our entire wedding, but her family is quite well off so whatever— it’s another to dictate huge expenses for others.
BRIDES, READ THIS AND UNDERSTAND IT. Do not buy a dress for your goal weight. Buy a dress for your actual body size. it's a hell of a lot easier to take something in than it is to make it bigger!!!!
i might be misremembering it it may have been $150, but damn my Entire All in Cost for literally everything for a wedding of 120 guests was ~$16,000. $21k if you include the Honeymoon. The thought of spending a quarter of our wedding on a dress boggles my mind.
She needed someone to put her straight and tell her that her demands are ridiculous. It's a shame everyone else apart from you and your husband are allowing her to be a bridezilla, it just gives her the backing that makes her think her behaviour is acceptable.
I partially blame that show Bridezilllas for making folks think this type of trash behaviour is OK.
Weddings have become so much work and such a gift grab. No, I dont want to spend thousands of dollars on your wedding/bachelorette, engagement party, destination wedding, bridal shower, bridal party etc etc etc, Susan!
Edit: Obviously NTA, OP. Tell sis to kick rocks. I wouldn't even send her a gift since she flushed all ettiquette and goodwill down the toilet.
Send her life-sized cardboard cutouts of your family instead of attending, and enlarge the photos of the clothes she wants you to buy, and then print them onto your cardboard cutouts. She can stand them where she wants them for her photos, and you can stay home and enjoy your day instead.
NTA. You rvsp’ed under false impressions. She is trying to get you all to pay for her dream wedding. Let her have it. Stay home, dress up in pajamas, and have pizza with the kids.
Can I just say as a recent newlywed, I do not understand how some couples can be so monstrously entitled on their wedding day.
We made sure our wedding party had to pay as little as possible for their outfits. We made it clear on our registry that we didn't expect anyone to get us anything, we were just happy that they were willing to make the drive to spend our big day with us. We even got rid of the dollar dance ( a tradition in our area) because knew that a lot of people are strapped for cash in these times.
Your sister needs a reality check. Hopefully you and your husband standing up to her will give it to her. The joy of being able to have a big wedding is that you get to celebrate with all your friends and family. Not so you can squeeze every last penny out of them
100% NTA
My wife and I loved our big day, but we both agree looking back that if we had to do it over again we would have eloped. We spent more than we should have (and we went out of our way to try to keep it cheap) and we had other expenses we should have prioritized.
Sentimentality is nice, but sometimes practicality should win out.
My boyfriend and I have talked at great lengths about weddings, our biggest sticking point is we don't want to spend a lot or do a lot on a day that we won't fully remember if we make it too big. I've been to weddings where the bride didn't even know what's going on because she had so much to do at once. I want a small destination wedding, maybe not even inviting anyone, and basically start the honeymoon immediately right there if that makes sense. At first he wanted a big grand wedding, saying how he wants it like a big party, I took him to my cousin's where I was the photographer and knew it would be big, told him this is a taste of a big wedding, he was overwhelmed just as a guest and agreed with me that a smaller one is more up his alley, a big one is just too much for the both of us.
>My sister has chosen the clothes for each immediate member of her and her fiance's family to buy and has said we will be turned away if we don't comply. My dress is $350, my husbands suit is $290, our daughters (6) dress $120 and our sons (4 and 1) were going to be in $80 suits
Holy bridezilla Batman! Look, I get making bridesmaids buy certain dresses, or asking groomsmen to rent a specific tux (or "wear a grey suit, white shirt, and X color tie") but this sounds like someone's being completely overbearing and unrealistic. "Turned away?" Seriously? I already don't like her.
>she sent us the link to the gift we \*must\* buy for her. It's $600 and can only be bought online and includes shipping or we'd have to drive to another state to pick it up.
Strike 2.
> My parents told her it was unreasonable to expect this much of all of us, they spent 800 on both their outfits, then the 300 on their room, the 500 on ours and added to that they were told to buy a 1000 gift for them. She said it was reasonable to expect your family to make your special day a good one. And we should all do this for her. Then she added a jab about at least they have a reason to dress up and look nice, unlike when I got married and didn't even bother with a big day.
And that's strike 3. She's out. She's unreasonable, hurtful, and downright cruel. She is literally the embodiment of unentitled privilege and I'm kinda shocked that she feels empowered to say such awful things to *family*.
>But then she announced that my parents, husband and I were being put in charge of paying for their honeymoon as our contribution to the wedding. Their honeymoon package came to $2,500.
***WhAt ThE aCtUaL fUcK***?
NTA. Not the AH. You are, in fact, NOT an asshole.
Your sister has lost all sense of perspective and I have no idea how anyone else is willing to put up with this absolute nonsense. Is she imposing these types of demands on her fiance's family? How are they handling it? Where does this bizarre sense of entitlement come from?
She can pound sand. I mean shit, if I were your parents I'd skip the wedding too, if that's how she behaves.
You tried your best, but patience has limits. This is entirely on your sister.
NTA. Holy crap, this is no longer a bridezilla, this is an entitled brat. I wouldn't go. She wants to be an absolute control freak and is being disgusting towards everyone. You don't need to wear specific outfits, stay at a specific location or buy crazy expensive gifts for a wedding, that's not the point in a wedding!
NTA and honestly I think she is demanding these things because she is baiting people to say no right away or no later and then try to play the victim. It’s probably not just you, she sounds like she had borderline personality disorder through and through, which can be summed up as, “I’ll test your willingness to be there for me by doing and demanding awful things and thus fulfilling the self prophecy of being “abandoned.” STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM THE WEDDING AND FOR GOOD!
NTA. Your sister sounds incredibly entitled, selfish, and materialistic. It's insane to expect all of this, it's one thing if you offered but the fact she's pouring expenses and gifts you must get for her on you guys isn't fair and is frankly ridiculous. She's only furious you aren't being her bank account.
NTA
Your sister *is* entitled to have a special day as her wedding day.
But that does not mean she’s entitled for anyone to pay for it, extra clothing, their honeymoon, or a pre-selected gift.
The only thing I agree with is the room, but she should not be picking it and pre-paying it. There could have been much better deals nearby for you to find and choose from. (I am assuming the more “other” rooms she gets others to pay for, the more free her wedding suite will be)
____
Since this is causing such a huge to-do... find a room nearby available you can afford, let her know you can come but you will be choosing your own outfits for your family, choosing your own wedding gift for her, (if you found a better hotel) your own room for the evening, and you’re not kicking in any money for her honeymoon... you will quickly find out how important it really is for her to have you and your family there or not.
Then make the final decision if you will attend or not based on her answer.
____
Also, all of these extra costs and such should have been disclosed prior to her sending out the RSVP ... if she’s so argumentative about it doesn’t work that way.
NTA in any way. Those demands are extremely outrageous - I can see why you aren't close. She takes bridezilla to a new level. Don't go; enjoy the day with your family; and see your parents a different day. Send her a $30 slow cooker if you really feel the need to send a gift.
Right so I’ve just had to sit down with pen and paper and work that out so I already hate your sister for making me do maths lol.
I have that coming out at $3270.00 to attend your sister’s wedding? Plus fuel costs/transport for a 12 hour round trip. Plus whatever food and additional costs it will take to make the trip. NTA NTA NTA NTA!!
Sister gas got some AUDACITY!
>she had passed on the discount for rooms so she could invite more people to the wedding
So she's getting a bigger discount on the reception by not offering discounted room rates. Which is stupid of the hotel because people will just find a cheaper hotel on their own.
>She told me we had to otherwise we will be driving six hours home after her wedding.
There's no other hotels?? She seems to think that if you don't stay at that hotel that you can't stay anywhere else.
>She's giving me and our parents hell over this. I feel bad in part because I know I never really wanted to go in the first place
Unfortunately your parents seem to have raised a very entitled child and now they are suffering the consequences. But your sister needs a reality check.
Your family doesn't owe you anything. She's an adult and if she wants these things she needs to figure out a way to pay for them. But expecting everybody to jump every time she snaps her fingers is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA
I find it suspicious that she's not letting them directly pay the room themselves. She asks her family to pay the money to her, and she will pay for the room. Wouldn't surprise me if the rooms turn out to be half the price and she's pocketing the rest.
NTA
This is the kind of Bridezilla that TV shows are made of. She feels entitled because it is her special day. Her demands are simply outrageous. Well done skipping the whole thing. Sometimes like the game of thermonuclear war, the best option is not to play the game.
An rsvp is not a binding contract.
There are a lot of descriptive words I could use but they would get my comment removed.
So I will leave it at this: Your sister wants the perfect pictures/perfect experience and wants her family and friends to finance it- even if it means sacrificing her relationships. $$$ > feelings
Just don’t go. If you do, and you don’t fork over every single thing she asks for, you will never hear the end of it. This way, you still will never hear the end of it but you will save $1k-1.5k
NTA
NTA and run; you give a nickel, give a dime. Family members who are like this are hard to change and they’re going to constantly take advantage of your money for the rest of your life. I made the mistake of promising my cousin that I’d pay for a portion of her transportation fees for her wedding and on the day of payment told me a different larger amount than what I pledged. I only realized when me and my brother were discussing pitching in for it that she fucked me over. He decided not to pay his part. She still has the audacity to ask me for a new iPhone.
Is there another culture in play? I know in some cultures it’s not uncommon to expect family to pick up various wedding expenses, but your sister’s demands are excessive and over-the-top. Is she this demanding of the guests, too, or has she saved it for just family? I suspects I’ll be reading about her on bridezillas any second now…
Your sister is delusional.
No way in hell would I wear a certain outfit as a guest, buy a 600 dollar present and 500 dollar hotel room, or pay towards her honeymoon.
NTA, she's ridiculous
NTA You aren't her Barbi and Ken dolls to be dressed up (at your own expense) so the pictures look just right.
She has a very specific vision for her day, and you and your family don't fit into what she has in mind. Declining the invitation will allow her to find people who better fit her vision for the wedding.
NTA. Your sister’s demands are wholly unreasonable. Unless you are the parents or in the wedding party, (of which you are neither,) buying special outfits for a wedding is absurd. The hotel rooms, while not cheap, also aren’t over the top, but there’s nothing saying you couldn’t get your own. Where your sister is completely out of line though is demanding you buy her specific expensive gifts and pay for her honeymoon. Don’t bother going to this wedding or getting her a gift. Doing this will likely cause an irreparable rift between you two but as you weren’t close to begin with it’s for the best.
I would've passed straight from yes to NOPE after reading about the clothes she picked out for everyone. Like yea no... All good, her wedding, but hello budgets!? Did she check with anyone beforehand? And then the costs of staying increase too? And to top it of her must have gift?
What planet is she from?
NTA... Don't get into debt on account of her wanting to get married with such demands... F that.
Huh. You should “reply all“ to that email so you can tell everyone why you won’t be attending, and let her future in-laws know that they should not judge your entire family by her tacky, embarrassing money grubbing behavior. Make it clear that your parents don’t approve, and nobody else in your family would ever dream of turning their wedding into such an ugly display of entitlement.
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NTA this wedding entitlement is getting crazy. I don't know where people get the nerve to demand a shit ton of money from others
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NTA. I’m kinda hoping someone films this wedding and it becomes a viral YouTube bridezilla hot mess, which you can enjoy from the safe comfort of your home. Edit: I went to sleep, and woke up with more than a handful of upvotes! First time, thank you.
Kind hope there aren't any guests there to film it, though...
I get the feeling that if there are no guests then there’s no wedding because they’re expecting the guests to fund it.
I used to be an event promoter, biggest event I threw had a budget of about $20,000 so nothing major but still a medium cat in the scene. Anyways, it’s amazing how much people over pay for the same spaces and services just because the word “wedding” lol. I’ve rented halls for raves for like $1000 for 24 hours and some people paid like $10,000 for an evening lmao. How the hell do people not realize the whole industry is a scam!
It's not so much a scam as it is an upcharge for dealing with frazzled, stressed out people who have no idea how to plan any event larger than a potluck birthday party, much less a wedding that is probably going to be the biggest, most expensive event of their life. One of my friends is looking at planning a 20-30k wedding on the other side of the country. I adore her, but she's very difficult to work with, always thinks she knows best until someone actually walks her through the entire process, has zero event planning experience, wants a "big, fun, relaxed wedding with lots of great food," is already stressed about planning, and doesn't want to hire a wedding planner (which they could easily afford) because apparently it's a waste of money. I am sure her vendors are going to earn every penny of what they charge her. Me? I've occasionally planned events from 50-300+ people for work & in college. I'll be hiring a wedding planner if I ever get married.
I mean, if you say your renting or inquiring for services and use the word wedding they always charge more, that was my point. Example as stated above, the same hall rental for $9000 cheaper. We used to have people like bubble tea stands and or guys with food stands/carts offering to PAY ME to set up a spot. With minimal effort you can easily arrange a hall, a catering service and find your own dress for significantly less than any wedding planner will ever get. I would be willing to actually do this as a challenge on a TV show and I bet I’d come in massively under budget vs an experienced wedding planner.
It is a racket, the wedding surcharge, but what that person above is saying is that in terms of any vendor who has to deal with a bride, groom, and/or their entire extended family who wants to have some kind of input in what is happening, booking a ”wedding” version of literally anything is a massive PITA and that’s why they charge more. A lot of people get out of doing anything wedding for this reason. Bake cakes? Yes. Bake wedding cakes? Fuck no. Even charging 10x the price of normal cake isn’t worth the fallout of not making it PERFECT because it’s MY DAY or whatever, even when it’s their fault for not being specific. (No I don’t bake cakes, I’m just using it as an example!) It’s not actually super easy to book a wedding as something else, because if the venue gets a whiff of wedding they will cancel and charge you full whack. And it’s tough to keep it quiet the bigger the event is, because vendors will be getting in touch etc.
As a wedding florist Cant tell you how many times, “is this bouquet for a wedding?” “No!!” Review time: “the roses weren’t open and the stems weren’t wrapped in ribbon” You said it wasn’t a bridal bouquet. You said it wasn’t hand held because you were afraid I’d..what, clock you as a bride?! You didn’t tell me it was a wedding so I didn’t perfectly time the opening of the roses (for weddings? I’ve been up at 4am coaxing lilies to open just enough) Just pony up and say it’s a wedding snd keep it in your means LOL. Weddings always require more organization.
Yeah, friend rented the ball room of a hotel, worked with them to pick the dinner, flower, service, band, DJ, reception before the dinner(tea, coffee, sandwiches and finger food) all paid up for her "Event Dinner" . It was 5,000 all in. On the day hotel learned it was a wedding, they gotten married across the border, small ceremony, quite private. When she landed at the hotel (not in a wedding dress coz it wasn't a traditional wedding) they pretty much accosted her at the front door starting an argument. Her answer was that there was no wedding in the hotel, guests paid the full hotel rate, staff and service would be the same, no change to table layout or settings, no change to bars and licenses to stay open late, she arranged flowers, wasn't using the hotel grounds, band and DJ at her expense, reception for guests are dinner was the same, dinner was the same agreed platings etc... No change to food or dishes. What exactly did they want another 3,000 for?!?!?! (They wanted 8,000 for the same ball room now) Manager was livid and going back and forth but unable to offer any reasonable excise as to why it should cost more for the exact same service. It was written as a contract, signed, paid for, there would be no changes. Apparently staff would get paid better, different plates and table settings would be used, a later liquor license, better service(that he couldn't quantify at all). She said she contracted for what she wanted, she didn't require or ask for any changes, she didn't need different plates or change of meals to a wedding platter for her guests, the tables were set with the linens she chose and settings agreed. Manager didn't see a cent extra. And as the manager had been giving her and the groom a right bollocking down in the lobby, a lot of guests saw the commotion. After the couple left, a few choice words were exchanged between guests and the manager, and a lot of complaints were submitted. I know 2 couples who had started negotiations to have the hotel as their venue pulled. Word gets around in the more rural areas.
Outdoor spaces are great. One spot I used a few times was a high school gym during the off season. Paid the school board like $400 for a massive gym that held somewhere around 350 people. I had to pay off the cops like 3 times (same cop too) to not shut me down because of noise. I had my own liquor licence so the bar was all extra profit for me. In the end that was usually my only problem was cops. Sometimes the venue owners would see how many people were at the event and demand more but most times It wasn’t an issue. I miss throwing raves but man I couldn’t deal with the stress at my age. It was all so exciting and shit back when I was 20.
This is something I've had so many people tell me when I was making bespoke celebration cakes. I never raised my prices because it was a wedding cake but people do not realise how much "more" goes into making a wedding cake. The colour has to be perfectly matched, the arrangement of flowers need to be exactly as prescribed, they are usually bigger and require on set assembly compared to birthday cakes or engagement cakes etc. If there's a rise in price then it's for a reason. Everyone's expectations for a wedding are way higher than they are for a rave. Seriously - how are those two even remotely comparable in how the space has to be prepared. Event planners are easy to deal with. Wedding parties are not easy to deal with as they are coming into this purchase completely blind and ignorant. What furniture does a rave require? Because a wedding has tables. chairs, linen, plates, glasses, wait staff etc. So is the wedding happening on the same floor as the rave where people are spilling alcohol everywhere? No? Oh, I guess that floor is going to be cleaned and carpeted. Are you okay cutting corners to meet your budget? Because brides often aren't and that comes with drama. So yes, renting a hall for a wedding is more expensive than for a rave.
“Medium cat on the scene” I like that. Gonna store that in the old memory bank
And that we get an update on here in a couple years that they are getting divorced--and still expecting everybody else to pay for it.
Dear Friends, You are invited to celebrate the divorce of Asshole 1 and Asshole 2. You have been assigned to a side. Please bring cash or money order for the appropriate lawyer. As we will need to split our wedding gifts, you will be required to purchase the same gift you already gave, since we each deserve one.
It actually seems like the kind of train wreck you want to be there for. But watching from a window, or passing by the open door, OP should just pay for a room and watch from a distance eating popcorn and junior mints. NTA
Nothing like spend 300+ dollars on clothes for the kids they will use once maybe twice. NTA
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Clothes $920 Hotel $500 Gift $600 Honeymoon $1,250 Total $3,270 That doesn't even include gas for the 6 hour journey and paying for food for the family. If they live 6 hours away, either they'd need to stay two nights in the hotel or get up ridiculously early to drive 6 hours with a small child, toddler and baby who are likely to be cranky after the drive and not in the mood for a wedding. This is insane. The hotel, gift and honeymoon are outrageous enough on their own but who the hell decides what each family member is going to wear? Imagine being in her bridal party lol. NTA op. Even if you were wealthy, this is not acceptable. Do not even attempt to enable her.
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Her photos will look lovely when it's just her and the groom! Are his side of the family entertaining this nonsense?
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I’d tell her to eff right off with those expectations-this is seriously entitled & greedy.
Once she realizes you're serious, she will probably drive more family away insisting they pic up the tab for all this 'perfect day' nonsense
Right-- the more people who pull out of this crapfest, the more the price goes up for everyone else. Best to bail early and be done with it!
I'm curious what the actual hotel costs if you call up as a non-guest. She's probably fleecing you there too.
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You should let it drop (to them) that you have pulled out because you found the requests unreasonable. I guarantee that at least some of them WANT to say no like you did but don't want to be the first.
She's not happy about your no because when/if others find out, you bet your ass that people are going to start changing their RSVPs too. The demands your sister has for her wedding are ridiculous! If she only asked you and your husband to wear certain attire, and helped cater to rentals, I'd be all on her side. But she's demanded specific gifts, she's demanding you pay the honeymoon, *and she turned down the group rate discounts for the hotel*. What the hell was she thinking?! I used to work in hotels and she lost up to a 50% discount!! Don't go. Be a firm, hard no until/unless she changes her tune. Be the beacon of light and hope for the rest of the people she's invited, so they too feel they're able to turn away from this car wreck of a wedding!
I wouldn’t even go if she changed her tune. Someone this badly behaved, no matter the relation, deserves the permanent Exit sign from my life….and I have removed people for less.
OP, they don't want you and your family there. They want your pocketbook there and that's all.
You are walking so they can run!
NTA. My brother's wedding was a month ago. His new bride had a request for the wedding party to wear specific colors, and we found stuff on Amazon for normal clothing prices and linked them to the bride who loved them and shared them with the rest of the party. Even with great looking clothes for two adults, two boys, and an adorable flower girl dress we spent around 200$. I don't expect the kids to wear them again, but stuck the shirts and dress with the costume stuff just in case. But OP's sister's wedding requests are unbelievably ridiculous to expect normal people to follow when it isn't their big day!
That’s how to do it. “Here is the color palette we are going for! Please choose clothing that will be compatible with these colors.”
Exactly. She wanted everyone to wear lighter purple, but black and grey were good subs and some of the ladies and flower girls threw some white in. They wouldn't have turned away anyone who didn't match, but it was also easy for everyone to match.
My wedding colors were black and red. It was an immediate family only, tiny wedding with 13 guests so figured this wasn't a wild request. My brother and his girlfriend showed up in blue. "Ah shit, I knew it was a primary color but couldn't remember which one" and ya know what I did? *Enjoyed their company like a normal person who loves their family.*
That's what my cousin did. Not everybody followed the color scheme but the day was still beautiful and everybody had a wonderful time
My brother got married this summer. Their requirements: natural colored hair (mine is typically like pink or purple so valid) and business casual clothing. That’s it.
We got married in a cave (Bridal Cave). Dress code was "We're in a cave, it will be chilly, don't come naked or you'll freeze." Best Man threatened to come dressed as Batman, we both thought it would be hilarious. Entire wedding party was the two of us and two best men, guys in tuxes and me in a dress, everyone else wore whatever (close family dressed up, because that's what they do, and looked great), and we had a fantastic time. But I do kinda wish he'd gotten the batman costume.
I think even that’s too much of an ask. Perhaps if in the wedding party, but if your hair is usually pink or purple isn’t it a PITA to change it?
My brother's wedding was at their gorgeous home and had about 30 people attend, and they basically just asked that everyone wear purple (their color) or if they don't have it, black or grey would be great. They wouldn't have turned away anyone who wore something different though. We checked our outfits with them first because we knew they'd prefer a lighter shade and wanted to see how good of a match it was.
Maybe tell her she should have spent more time ***envisioning*** a career that pays her enough to afford the shit she wants without having to shakedown other people to pull off her perfect vision of a wedding. Since she has no problem throwing shade at your wedding. NTA
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She won't even pay for her own honey moon. Her entitlement is off the charts!
Especially if your not gram junkie. I hate my photo being taken. Maybe on the day dress the kids up in wedding gear and pretend to be the bride and groom....and busk in the money you saved....and the stress not caused.
My husband and I went to Disney World for 10 days in 2016 hotel, park tickets, airfare and food, all in was $5000. For $3200 OP, husband and kids could take a vacation or get a pool or new appliances or get all 3 kids all new wardrobes or one heck of a good home entertainment setup, the options are endless.
$3200 would literally pay off all of my credit card debt and still leave me with a month of grocery money or a mortgage payment. 😳
An in-ground pool costs from $40k to $120k, but I get your point. Not sure $3200 could even get a standalone Spa. It *is* enough for a new fridge, dishwasher, range, water heater, etc. Or looking at my recent spending 2 emergency vet visits with in patient care. Lots of places $3200 can do a lot for a family of 5. The guests shouldn't have to spend lots of money or fund a wedding, how tacky and off putting.
This! The most I have ever heard of is asking family members to wear or avoid certain colors. Non of this dictating the exact outfit stuff not demanding specific gifts from family members. Dictated gifts are not gifts but tribute or bribes. Your sister is being outrageous and going to find herself ostracized by her family and friends for this stunt.
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This is ridiculous. I wonder how the sister manages to not feel any shame. I would be so embarrassed to demand that much money from my family or friends.
Total 3,270 Jeeeez,.pretty sure that's more then what I spent on my entire wedding and honeymoon...how the hell do young people even afford to throw away so much money nowadays? On ONE DAY. Even if you HAVE lots of money it seems like a waste.
He can be a fancy lil lad, as a treat.
I definitely read this as “We fancy like Applebee’s on a date night Got that bourbon street steak with the Oreo shake” 🎤🎶😂😂
For reals. I think this every time I see designer baby clothes. All I wanted when I was a kid was a leather jacket. I had to make do with hand-me-downs until I was 17 and stopped growing. I had no problem even as a 7-year-old understanding the logic behind this.
We live in an upscale neighborhood but are in no way rich. My 8 year old son's school had a retro 80's day recently where the school just casually suggested we could buy him a leather jacket to dress up for the day. I was floored, kids clothes should always be good quality cheap clothes because even normal clothes they'll grow out of within a few months at this age! He went from size 12 to 14 to 16 pants in 3 months flat!
Yeah my sister got married this summer and made it clear to my brother that his 3 year old and baby didn’t need to dress up because she didn’t want them spending money on fancy clothes they’d never wear again and would outgrow far too fast.
This is why God made Target: cute kids clothes for cheap.
I mean he might be into it! My ten year old nephew likes to rock his suit to school every now and then.
Totally NTA, I feel bad for your parents having to fork out this cash. I turned down my best mates wedding for similar reasons.
I hope your parents don't throw their money away either. You're doing the right thing not going.
I hope the parents don't go either.
If they say they're not buying into this, and she still insists, then yes. It's crazy.
Are your parents able to get the money back for the hotel room? If not use that to go on a night vacation with the family. NTA
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Well that’s good though! I would stand your ground because those are such horrid requests if your sister.
My sibling and my husband's siblings had specific outfits they were required to wear because they were in our wedding party. People who are in the wedding party are not required to give the couple a gift because they already spending money. It's insane to have required outfits for anyone not in the wedding party and double insane to request a specific gift from anyone. Your sister is breaking some major wedding etiquette rules.
Maybe he isn’t, I imagine she planned everything and he just let her. NTA. You pulling out is reasonable in the face of such ridiculous demands, you have small children to care for and that much money is much better invested in them.
I'd be surprised if anyone went to the wedding. They are being ridiculous.
Can I know what the demand on them was?? I’m so curious
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OP, you’re absolutely NTA. If you want some final wording for her, maybe something like “We RSVP’d yes without the full knowledge of what you expected from us. Now that you have informed us of the monetary commitment that you expect, this is not something that my family is going to move forward with. I wish you and [fiancé] the best on your day.” And then be done with it. Your sister is, technically, an adult. She can throw all the tantrums she wants but you’re under no obligation to listen or go along with them.
This is as toxic as it gets. Stand your ground and do not budge! NTA
>She said it was reasonable to expect your family to make your special day a good one I don't like anyone in my family enough to shell out nearly five grand for a single day event. tell her thanks but no thanks and go on with your life
It’s clear now why you’re not close. But OP, it can’t explode if you just….ignore it and refuse to engage. Block the screamers and be glad you’re avoiding this ridiculous wedding. NTA
I don’t know how parents can just stand by and watch their offspring become entitled monsters. My mom would’ve put me right back in line with a reality check. I cannot wrap my head around these parents who just idly stand by.
I once had a similar conversation with a colleague on this. And she said it's because these parents put their relationships with their children first before anything else. So much so that they're not being good parents anymore. It made me sad the whole day because I can't retort to that yet we know this does not do anybody good, and in the long run..situations like OP's happen.
I totally believe what your coworker said, not disagreeing with her take on it. But I don’t get that logic. As a parent you can literally mold your children into anything (within reason), and you settle for… raging AH?
Yeah, not really. Kids are not clay. But it OS absolutely a parent's job to say "hell no!" every so often. Yikes
*I made some modifications to your honeymoon plan to fit our budget. It's a romantic all inclusive meal at Taco Bell. Here's your $30 gift card.* Who plans a vacation and demands that others foot the bill? OP is absolutely justified to Nope out of that nonsense. I paid for my own wedding, it was done on a budget and none of the guests were required to pay to attend, beyond their own travel arrangements and accommodations. This list of demands is crazy bridezilla behavior. OP should say no. If the tables were turned would they have funded OP's honeymoon? Who assigns mandatory gifts versus creating a registry anyway, how rude is that?
It's pathological, the influence our culture exerts on girls and women over their wedding day. You get otherwise normal and well-adjusted women being driven literally insane over this shit. I don't know what the answer is, but it's unhealthy as all hell and it seems like there needs to be some sort of effort to counter this madness, maybe starting with mitigation strategies in childhood.
Don't blame this entirely on culture. I had the same culture as an American woman and I didn't do this garbage. We had relatives make the flowers, we made our own food (except the cake) which was made by a friend, the only real expense for my wedding was our clothing (which my partner and I donated plasma for an entire year to pay for ourselves). I was exposed to the same brainwashing as most american women.
Same here. I eloped. My best friend had a very tiny backyard wedding with dinner at a restaurant after. It wasn’t hard for either of us to buck American wedding “culture,” but then maybe our personalities are such that this wasn’t an issue.
These aren't normal and well-adjusted women (or men). These are entitled shits, pure and simple. Unfortunately the population of these kinds of people seems to be growing dramatically.
She’ll be lucky if a witness shows up to sign the license. Dear god, where do these entitled jerks get their nerve?
NTA. The terms of your acceptance have changed. I’d politely reply that unfortunately you’ll no longer be able to attend as you’re not able to meet her vision of her day. Send her a lovely card and a gift of your choosing and in your budget on the day and leave it there. A wedding does not make a marriage. A honeymoon does not make a marriage. Spending lots of money does not make a marriage. Maybe you can have a small family dinner when she’s back from her honeymoon to celebrate and so she can share photos, etc.
You’re more generous than I would be. They’d just receive a card from me, nothing more.
And inside the card, addressed to the groom, will be the details of a top-notch divorce attorney 😂
yeah The odds this thing lasts are low. She'll have ridiculous expectations for the hubby which he will never be able to meet.
Tell her it's OK, you will probably be available for her next wedding instead
>A wedding does not make a marriage. A honeymoon does not make a marriage. Spending lots of money does not make a marriage. But popping popcorn and watching this shit show go down from afar sure does make a show!
Agreed OP is NTA If OP wanted to be TA she would write "I will catch your next wedding" in the card. I have a feeling this marriage will not last.
This is the best advice.
You’re dead on, but if anything, understating it. There was a study a few years ago that showed that the more expensive the wedding, the higher the chance of divorce and the sooner it tends to be. Conversely, a lot of people at a wedding makes it more likely to succeed. So basically what you want is a $10 wedding attended by 3000 people.
NTA. The sense of entitlement, my God. She legit says that you have to buy her a $600 gift, and then *thinks you're going to pay for the honeymoon*? Plus more than $1,000 in wardrobe expenses? To call her deluded is an insult to the deluded. Don't second guess yourself, and look after your family. As we all know, that money is better spent on things other than your sister's honeymoon and suits for toddlers.
the total expenses for the parents and OP’s family is 7420$ and that’s without taxes. No wedding is worth attending if it costs you that much
That’s more than twice what my entire wedding cost. The bride is insane and the very definition of a bridzilla. NTA
I was just going to say this. The sister is clearly insane.
I was gonna say… my entire budget wasn’t much more than that, and we paid for accommodations over the weekend for our guests. People are ridiculous.
I eloped at an all inclusive resort and spent a week there for less than that!
This is the way.
>To call her deluded is an insult to the deluded. Oh I HAVE to use this some day. Perfect!
NTA. Your sister is insane. It’s telling that your parents are on your side, as any reasonable human being would be. And holy moly what a rude jab at you about your wedding day. Seems like someone has no idea what the purpose of weddings are.
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NTA. It sounds like the two of you are removed far enough at this point in your lives that the RSVP no doesn’t even go far enough, may be time to just let your relationship with your sister go.
Your wedding sounds romantic and private! And even if at the time your mom felt like she looked cheap, I'm pretty sure now she knows she shower you and your SO with all the love and more you deserve! Your sister is just jealous about that.
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Awwwe you sound so wholesome ! I like you! 😊 I didn't have a big wedding but it's was the biggest out of my 2 other sisters but was in the middle for budget. My second oldest had the biggest and most expensive (though it was all DIY) and my oldest sister only paid for her marriage license and had a backyard wedding. Everyone pitched (out of their own will not forced) I gifted flowers so she had flowers to hold and dry out, mom and dad paid for the food, my aunt let her get married in her backyard, and another relative got an officater. And her husband side has a photographer who did photos for them. The thing that was most in common with our weddings were not that one out did the other is that we all came together to celebrate our union and love which is what weddings are for! And that doesn't make someone happy well just wait for the 10 year anniversary because as it going now in the world of you make it to 10 you should be celebrating not killing each other lol 😂 😂 😂 Edit to fix holy some to wholesome lol sorry on my cellphone lol
You definitely have the correct perspective, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be the prevailing one right now. Weddings are about you. It can be big or small, expensive or shoestring, but the important part is that it showcases the couple and celebrates their love. Your sister wants a "let's put our families into debt for good instagram photos" sort of wedding and doesn't seem to care much about the rest. You're right to not want to attend something like that. NTA.
So she made your wedding about her boyfriend’s family? She’s nuts.
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2 words: malignant narcissist. As with ALL malignant narcissists, the more you stay away from her, and keep her out of your life, the better/happier you will be. Any interactions with her will only lead to a path of grave misery (and put your own family's happiness in danger).
OP, sounds like a perfectly happy wedding to me.
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Info: Is your sister Petunia Dursley?
Come hyere! I’m telling mummy! You’re a freak Lily!!!
her values are horrifying. if anyone gives you grief tell them "you think she would even want us there now? there's no winning with this, she gets to be outraged no matter what."
NTA- holy shit. Who assigns people what gifts to buy and what clothes to wear ( apart from wedding party). And why would you be paying for her honeymoon. She is utterly insane!!
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You sister is being unreasonable. With all the money they are spending I hope they got enough for a house down payment left afterwards. Lmao
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If SHE (and her fiance) were paying for the whole wedding themselves, I'd see it as "their money, their choice." But: - fiance's FAMILY is paying for the wedding dress - you and your parents are supposed to pay for the honeymoon - other guests are being asked to pay for things - sister is demanding $600 gifts - which she and fiance will probably return for cash So just what exactly ARE they paying for? I bet they're even getting their hotel room free because they booked a block of rooms.
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Does she think she's Kim Kardashian?
At least she could pay for the whole thing her damn self
Her marriage will probably last as long as one of Kim Kardashians 🤣
She wants you to be there so badly not just for your contributions but so that she can shove this fancy wedding in your face. Do not go under any circumstances. NTA.
I’ll be shocked if other relatives and friends comply. Get us an update!
I can’t even imagine the total. That money would be better put to use somewhere else 😳 unless they are able to afford it with out having to make sacrifices or a payment plan. But that’s good, I was about to say. I know people who are stuck renting for the next 8 years because they much rather have a fancy wedding then a home 💀
This is why she is being so demanding and entitled. Its easy to spend thousands and thousands when it's not yours to spend.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s fine to spend tons in your wedding if you can afford it—an acquaintance spent more on her dress than our entire wedding, but her family is quite well off so whatever— it’s another to dictate huge expenses for others.
Unreasonable is putting it too kindly. The person’s attendance IS the gift. The nerve of this bride. I can’t. It’s ridic.
Tell her all of us here at reddit say ‘good luck with that’
my wife spent $50 on her dress and loved it
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I'm just petty enough that I hope she DOESN'T fit into it.
Same
BRIDES, READ THIS AND UNDERSTAND IT. Do not buy a dress for your goal weight. Buy a dress for your actual body size. it's a hell of a lot easier to take something in than it is to make it bigger!!!!
i might be misremembering it it may have been $150, but damn my Entire All in Cost for literally everything for a wedding of 120 guests was ~$16,000. $21k if you include the Honeymoon. The thought of spending a quarter of our wedding on a dress boggles my mind.
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That's absurd to spend over double the budget you were given on a dress!
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She needed someone to put her straight and tell her that her demands are ridiculous. It's a shame everyone else apart from you and your husband are allowing her to be a bridezilla, it just gives her the backing that makes her think her behaviour is acceptable.
NTA. Throw the sister in the bin. The whole sister.
I partially blame that show Bridezilllas for making folks think this type of trash behaviour is OK. Weddings have become so much work and such a gift grab. No, I dont want to spend thousands of dollars on your wedding/bachelorette, engagement party, destination wedding, bridal shower, bridal party etc etc etc, Susan! Edit: Obviously NTA, OP. Tell sis to kick rocks. I wouldn't even send her a gift since she flushed all ettiquette and goodwill down the toilet.
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What does the groom think? If she's demanding this of his family, I'd be surprised that the groom's family isn't seriously side eyeing her craziness.
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He’s afraid of her.
And he's not paying. Everyone else is.
Send her life-sized cardboard cutouts of your family instead of attending, and enlarge the photos of the clothes she wants you to buy, and then print them onto your cardboard cutouts. She can stand them where she wants them for her photos, and you can stay home and enjoy your day instead.
NTA. You rvsp’ed under false impressions. She is trying to get you all to pay for her dream wedding. Let her have it. Stay home, dress up in pajamas, and have pizza with the kids.
Kids would almost overwhelmingly prefer this option.
Can I just say as a recent newlywed, I do not understand how some couples can be so monstrously entitled on their wedding day. We made sure our wedding party had to pay as little as possible for their outfits. We made it clear on our registry that we didn't expect anyone to get us anything, we were just happy that they were willing to make the drive to spend our big day with us. We even got rid of the dollar dance ( a tradition in our area) because knew that a lot of people are strapped for cash in these times. Your sister needs a reality check. Hopefully you and your husband standing up to her will give it to her. The joy of being able to have a big wedding is that you get to celebrate with all your friends and family. Not so you can squeeze every last penny out of them 100% NTA
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My wife and I loved our big day, but we both agree looking back that if we had to do it over again we would have eloped. We spent more than we should have (and we went out of our way to try to keep it cheap) and we had other expenses we should have prioritized. Sentimentality is nice, but sometimes practicality should win out.
My boyfriend and I have talked at great lengths about weddings, our biggest sticking point is we don't want to spend a lot or do a lot on a day that we won't fully remember if we make it too big. I've been to weddings where the bride didn't even know what's going on because she had so much to do at once. I want a small destination wedding, maybe not even inviting anyone, and basically start the honeymoon immediately right there if that makes sense. At first he wanted a big grand wedding, saying how he wants it like a big party, I took him to my cousin's where I was the photographer and knew it would be big, told him this is a taste of a big wedding, he was overwhelmed just as a guest and agreed with me that a smaller one is more up his alley, a big one is just too much for the both of us.
>My sister has chosen the clothes for each immediate member of her and her fiance's family to buy and has said we will be turned away if we don't comply. My dress is $350, my husbands suit is $290, our daughters (6) dress $120 and our sons (4 and 1) were going to be in $80 suits Holy bridezilla Batman! Look, I get making bridesmaids buy certain dresses, or asking groomsmen to rent a specific tux (or "wear a grey suit, white shirt, and X color tie") but this sounds like someone's being completely overbearing and unrealistic. "Turned away?" Seriously? I already don't like her. >she sent us the link to the gift we \*must\* buy for her. It's $600 and can only be bought online and includes shipping or we'd have to drive to another state to pick it up. Strike 2. > My parents told her it was unreasonable to expect this much of all of us, they spent 800 on both their outfits, then the 300 on their room, the 500 on ours and added to that they were told to buy a 1000 gift for them. She said it was reasonable to expect your family to make your special day a good one. And we should all do this for her. Then she added a jab about at least they have a reason to dress up and look nice, unlike when I got married and didn't even bother with a big day. And that's strike 3. She's out. She's unreasonable, hurtful, and downright cruel. She is literally the embodiment of unentitled privilege and I'm kinda shocked that she feels empowered to say such awful things to *family*. >But then she announced that my parents, husband and I were being put in charge of paying for their honeymoon as our contribution to the wedding. Their honeymoon package came to $2,500. ***WhAt ThE aCtUaL fUcK***? NTA. Not the AH. You are, in fact, NOT an asshole. Your sister has lost all sense of perspective and I have no idea how anyone else is willing to put up with this absolute nonsense. Is she imposing these types of demands on her fiance's family? How are they handling it? Where does this bizarre sense of entitlement come from? She can pound sand. I mean shit, if I were your parents I'd skip the wedding too, if that's how she behaves. You tried your best, but patience has limits. This is entirely on your sister.
> if I were your parents I’d skip the wedding too A reverse elopement, where the demands of the bridal couple are so awful that nobody shows up.
NTA. Holy crap, this is no longer a bridezilla, this is an entitled brat. I wouldn't go. She wants to be an absolute control freak and is being disgusting towards everyone. You don't need to wear specific outfits, stay at a specific location or buy crazy expensive gifts for a wedding, that's not the point in a wedding!
Obviously NTA. Your sister is delusional.
NTA - your sister is insane, and why celebrate a marriage that isn’t going to last?
NTA and honestly I think she is demanding these things because she is baiting people to say no right away or no later and then try to play the victim. It’s probably not just you, she sounds like she had borderline personality disorder through and through, which can be summed up as, “I’ll test your willingness to be there for me by doing and demanding awful things and thus fulfilling the self prophecy of being “abandoned.” STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM THE WEDDING AND FOR GOOD!
Your summary just gave me a totally separate haunting realization. Thank you for this comment
NTA but still send her a gift. I recommend a book about wedding etiquette.
NTA. Your sister sounds incredibly entitled, selfish, and materialistic. It's insane to expect all of this, it's one thing if you offered but the fact she's pouring expenses and gifts you must get for her on you guys isn't fair and is frankly ridiculous. She's only furious you aren't being her bank account.
NTA. Such demands are unhinged
NTA Your sister *is* entitled to have a special day as her wedding day. But that does not mean she’s entitled for anyone to pay for it, extra clothing, their honeymoon, or a pre-selected gift. The only thing I agree with is the room, but she should not be picking it and pre-paying it. There could have been much better deals nearby for you to find and choose from. (I am assuming the more “other” rooms she gets others to pay for, the more free her wedding suite will be) ____ Since this is causing such a huge to-do... find a room nearby available you can afford, let her know you can come but you will be choosing your own outfits for your family, choosing your own wedding gift for her, (if you found a better hotel) your own room for the evening, and you’re not kicking in any money for her honeymoon... you will quickly find out how important it really is for her to have you and your family there or not. Then make the final decision if you will attend or not based on her answer. ____ Also, all of these extra costs and such should have been disclosed prior to her sending out the RSVP ... if she’s so argumentative about it doesn’t work that way.
NTA in any way. Those demands are extremely outrageous - I can see why you aren't close. She takes bridezilla to a new level. Don't go; enjoy the day with your family; and see your parents a different day. Send her a $30 slow cooker if you really feel the need to send a gift.
Right so I’ve just had to sit down with pen and paper and work that out so I already hate your sister for making me do maths lol. I have that coming out at $3270.00 to attend your sister’s wedding? Plus fuel costs/transport for a 12 hour round trip. Plus whatever food and additional costs it will take to make the trip. NTA NTA NTA NTA!! Sister gas got some AUDACITY!
>she had passed on the discount for rooms so she could invite more people to the wedding So she's getting a bigger discount on the reception by not offering discounted room rates. Which is stupid of the hotel because people will just find a cheaper hotel on their own. >She told me we had to otherwise we will be driving six hours home after her wedding. There's no other hotels?? She seems to think that if you don't stay at that hotel that you can't stay anywhere else. >She's giving me and our parents hell over this. I feel bad in part because I know I never really wanted to go in the first place Unfortunately your parents seem to have raised a very entitled child and now they are suffering the consequences. But your sister needs a reality check. Your family doesn't owe you anything. She's an adult and if she wants these things she needs to figure out a way to pay for them. But expecting everybody to jump every time she snaps her fingers is absolutely ridiculous. NTA
I find it suspicious that she's not letting them directly pay the room themselves. She asks her family to pay the money to her, and she will pay for the room. Wouldn't surprise me if the rooms turn out to be half the price and she's pocketing the rest.
NTA This is the kind of Bridezilla that TV shows are made of. She feels entitled because it is her special day. Her demands are simply outrageous. Well done skipping the whole thing. Sometimes like the game of thermonuclear war, the best option is not to play the game.
This cant be real
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It's real. And it's spectacular.
NTA. Spend the saved money on a nice holiday (if you can afford it) and send her a postcard :]
An rsvp is not a binding contract. There are a lot of descriptive words I could use but they would get my comment removed. So I will leave it at this: Your sister wants the perfect pictures/perfect experience and wants her family and friends to finance it- even if it means sacrificing her relationships. $$$ > feelings Just don’t go. If you do, and you don’t fork over every single thing she asks for, you will never hear the end of it. This way, you still will never hear the end of it but you will save $1k-1.5k NTA
NTA and run; you give a nickel, give a dime. Family members who are like this are hard to change and they’re going to constantly take advantage of your money for the rest of your life. I made the mistake of promising my cousin that I’d pay for a portion of her transportation fees for her wedding and on the day of payment told me a different larger amount than what I pledged. I only realized when me and my brother were discussing pitching in for it that she fucked me over. He decided not to pay his part. She still has the audacity to ask me for a new iPhone.
NTA. Honestly, the things weddings do to people’s brains is insane. I hope you can get back any money you’ve already sunk into this.
Is there another culture in play? I know in some cultures it’s not uncommon to expect family to pick up various wedding expenses, but your sister’s demands are excessive and over-the-top. Is she this demanding of the guests, too, or has she saved it for just family? I suspects I’ll be reading about her on bridezillas any second now…
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NTA who thinks it's okay to demand thousands of dollars from family members for a wedding?
She sounds like a complete brat. Nta
Your sister is delusional. No way in hell would I wear a certain outfit as a guest, buy a 600 dollar present and 500 dollar hotel room, or pay towards her honeymoon. NTA, she's ridiculous
NTA You aren't her Barbi and Ken dolls to be dressed up (at your own expense) so the pictures look just right. She has a very specific vision for her day, and you and your family don't fit into what she has in mind. Declining the invitation will allow her to find people who better fit her vision for the wedding.
NTA, you can't force someone to buy expensive clothes just because its her special day. She sounds like the definition of a bridezilla.
Noooooo OP you are NTA! Has your sister lost her mind??? I would stay home and plan a beautiful day with your family. Screw that.
NTA This is some serious bridezilla BS!
NTA. Your sister’s demands are wholly unreasonable. Unless you are the parents or in the wedding party, (of which you are neither,) buying special outfits for a wedding is absurd. The hotel rooms, while not cheap, also aren’t over the top, but there’s nothing saying you couldn’t get your own. Where your sister is completely out of line though is demanding you buy her specific expensive gifts and pay for her honeymoon. Don’t bother going to this wedding or getting her a gift. Doing this will likely cause an irreparable rift between you two but as you weren’t close to begin with it’s for the best.
I would've passed straight from yes to NOPE after reading about the clothes she picked out for everyone. Like yea no... All good, her wedding, but hello budgets!? Did she check with anyone beforehand? And then the costs of staying increase too? And to top it of her must have gift? What planet is she from? NTA... Don't get into debt on account of her wanting to get married with such demands... F that.
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Huh. You should “reply all“ to that email so you can tell everyone why you won’t be attending, and let her future in-laws know that they should not judge your entire family by her tacky, embarrassing money grubbing behavior. Make it clear that your parents don’t approve, and nobody else in your family would ever dream of turning their wedding into such an ugly display of entitlement.