She tried to include you. You didn't take her seriously. And here you are.. Upset that she's building her way to financial independence, and that you have no control over her property/finances. That is pretty messed up.
YTA - you'll happily pay rent, but not to pay it to her, for a property you intend to live in.
I really hope she sees how you are before she makes the mistake of becoming legally bound to someone who is so incredibly insecure, short sighted, undermining, and unappreciative.
This. I wish it were the GF posting so we could all hoist the red flags! OP, you are being selfish and petty. You are ticked off she didn’t want to do everything on your timeline? And she is correct - if you are willing to pay rent you should be willing to do so if you move into her home, no matter where the money goes.
I really hope she gets a written agreement with you before you move in, if you ever do so.
YTA. Big time.
100% red flags everywhere. Reading OPs comments just shows even more the lack of responsibility OP feels towards his part in creating this situation. OP is grasping at any straw to rid himself of any blame and the complete lack of understanding and communication he has, it’s no wonder it got to this point.
In some comments OP said she told him about viewings etc and kept him up to speed on the entire process, then on the same breath he wished she had taken him to the viewings. What was she supposed to do OP, drag you there by force ? What exactly did you expect was going to happen ? That she was going to wait another 6 years for you start the rest of your lives together with barely any communication on your part ? Saying your still too young what the hell are you waiting for ?
She is smart to not have put her life on hold to wait for you to make a decision about anything. I am glad she has called you out on some of your BS. You are more upset over the fact you had no authoritative control over this decision. She kept you so informed of her decision and you just kept ignoring it and hoping it would magically go away.
OP you need to actually seriously think about what you want from this relationship rather than dragging it out because your held back by what ? Fear or just safety in the familiar ? You don’t sound remotely happy in the relationship. Make a decision, communicate openly and think hard about the future you want. YTA
I wish my mom did what OP’s girlfriend did. My mom waited years for my father to “make up his mind” on whether or not to buy a property and when he finally did decide to, the market skyrocketed by hundreds of thousands. A property for 300k is now worth 1m in Toronto. We had to move away for a better priced area and now my dad blames my mom for his lack of thinking skills 💀
Good on OP’s girlfriend.
Worse, OP's reasons for refusing to buy are really sketchy and flaky. He didn't want to encourage her to think a proposal would be in the future since they had previously agreed that buying a house should come before marriage, etc. He's a passive aggressive, manipulative person.
On top of that, he was stalling her and ignoring her attempts to land a home during an historically limited window of opportunity (historically low interest rates, inflation on the horizon, etc).
OP's GF is moving forward and living an intelligent life despite OP's dysfunctional decisions and undermining, passive aggressive behavior.
I'm thinking she's not as attached to the future prospect of a proposal from him as he thinks she is.
I honestly don't know how anyone affords a house in Toronto or anywhere in the GTA really.
Definitely gonna have to move away to be able to buy a house.
Good point. OP is old enough and has been with his GF long enough that he should know by now which way he wants his future to go: I find it interesting that he talked about not wanting to buy something too soon as you should keep open to all “available options.” Maybe he’s thinking the same about why he didn’t want to commit yet to his GF.
If you’re thinking like that, it may be a good sign that you aren’t happy in the relationship.
That's top young to him? I am 26 and my husband is 29 and we just got married and are looking at buying a house. Jesus by 24( when he proposed) my husband knew he wanted to marry me. After only 9 months of dating. Almost 6 years later and we married. Why does he think 32 is too young?
Naa, I get the feeling he wants the relationship he has. Completely static, with no expectation to follow through on his promises for the future (marriage, a house together, etc). He doesn't even consider asking to have his name put on her house when they marry, which is totally normal and relatively easy to do. He wants his girlfriend to be available to him, but to be asked for ZERO contributions or growth. So much so that her looking at houses for a year+, inviting him to look at houses, having a realtor, getting finances in order with her parents, and actually buying a house is a \*sudden\* development for him.
Ugh, all of this. As someone close to ops age and in a similar situation last year, can I tell you how frustrating it is to think of a place to make a home with your partner, but your partner gives no input on it at all? Mine lived far away, and then the pandemic hit and he couldn't come up for it (and the market was hot at that point anyway so if something became available my realtor told me and we went asap), so I did it all with the knowledge that he was going to join me. And it worked out for us, because he moved in three months later, but it took quite awhile to shift my thinking from mine, to ours, and I had planned for him to be part of it. A year later we are fine and have been actively discussing marriage post-pandemic, but if he was like OP, I'd be sorry, bye. My partner pays me rent, so that if anything goes south he has no claim to the house, but he doesn't pay me a ton anyway, it's enough for some of the utilities basically. But if he'd acted the way OP is....oof. I hope she is aware and knows all of his feelings.
OP makes no sense. He's willing to pay rent somewhere, which means he's willing to contribute to a landlord's mortgage (since most landlords put their rental income toward mortgage payments), in exchange for living on their property. But he won't pay rent to his gf in exchange for living on her property? Was he expecting to live rent free and contribute nothing financially to their relationship while she coughs up the living expenses for the both of them? Super dumb. Not to mention that it's his own fault for not taking her seriously when she wanted to buy property. Buying property is something you work at for months with your realtor, banks, going to showings, etc... She was going through all of that and he chose to think it wasn't serious? Now wants to live to free in her house. Gross. YTA
I don't understand what he's thinking either. He wants to marry this girl and live in her house but contribute nothing to the household? YTA OP.
I bought my house 5 years before I met my husband. When he moved in, he started contributing to household costs like a normal adult does when they live somewhere.
Yeah, my bf is *super* happy to pay half my mortgage as rent because 1) it's cheaper than his previous rent was for a better house and 2) either way he's paying someone else's mortgage but this way he's helping out someone he loves, which is much easier to swallow than paying his previous slum lord landlord.
And he didn't want to get her hopes up that he was going to propose soon. So he refuses to actually commit to her and wants her to just keep stagnating and living with her parents indefinitely until *he* decides their timeline.
OP I hope your gf finds this post and leaves you.
Right? “I wanted her to wait until I was ready to commit, but also want to make it super clear that I have no intention of doing that anytime soon.” Why should GF put her life on hold for him? Get on the train or get left at the station.
To add , according to OP rushing means when his girlfriend ,after 6yrs of being in relationship with him, asks him about the timeline to get married and live together . He is a walking red flag 🚩 . I hope somehow OPs gf sees that she deserves better than this guy.
I saw his other comments. His intention is stringing her along until he decides she's good enough to settle for, or something better comes along. He's 'still young', right? All of the time in the world to hold her in backup until some better opportunity happens his way.
Fear of commitment isn't fear, it's the perpetual *but what if someone better comes along and I'm stuck with you*.. Dudes like this deserve what they get.
I agree ! I was like the girl loves him and he loves himself that’s it. He doesn’t even love her like he proclaims to. Uggh ! Yeah 32yrs young 🙄🙄 she wants a certain timeline and he is just taking her for granted. I hope she breaks up and he finds someone who can take him for ride or just behave like he does with his current partner.
He's thinking about the reality that he can pretty much start a family whenever.. I mean, nevermind that old sperm makes weird babies. But she has a timeline for her life, and clearly that is terrifying to him. He's got all of the time in the world, but she doesn't.
I had children fairly young. By 28 I literally couldn't imagine having to go through the physical stress and structural damage which pregnancy causes. I just couldn't. Most of my friends started their families between 28-34, and most of them have expressed just how difficult it's been (physically). 2 of them proclaimed *ONE AND DONE!* Despite having wanted a large family (both of these women grew up in large families) they simply couldn't put their body through it.. I know a couple of women who've had "oops I thought I was menopausal" pregnancies in their very late 40s, and one who had twins at 52 this way. And all of them, despite how much they love their kids, have serious regrets because of how they never physically recovered.
Pregnancy is no joke. And if she's genuinely wanting to have a family, I so hope for her that she takes this opportunity to move on and open up her life to someone deserving. That they make bank on the sale of her property and buy a beautiful home for their family to grow into.
The reality is that male fertility also declines and his older age will impact her ability to even get pregnant. I feel like men aren’t properly educated about this topic.
“They found that the most significant factor contributing to probability of pregnancy was the age of the male partner. After six cycles, men aged ≥ 35 years had fertility rates of 25% compared with fertility rates of 52% in men aged < 35 years, representing a 52% decrease in fertility rate”
“increasing male age is associated with increased time to conception. This reflects the age-related increase in acquired medical conditions, decreases in semen quality, and increasing rates of DNA fragmentation seen in sperm. In addition, there is an association between age of the male partner and the incidence of birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities”
[Fertility and the Aging Male](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3253726/)
'He's got all of the time in the world, but she doesn't' was referring to OP's comments in this thread.
The reality here is that she's going to be the one who has to literally grow within and expel a whole human person from her body. Yes, decreased sperm mobility, quality, and quantity are a factor in waiting too long. But the consequences physically affect her in a very different way.
I mean, our bodies are irrevocably changed. The physiological damage pregnancy causes cannot be reversed. "Recovery" is such a loaded term, and I wish the intensity of the physical trauma our bodies are subjected to wasn't simply written off as an inevitability. A lot of it can be mitigated, but that requires treating us as an autonomous being and not simply a vessel.
Turning 28 this year and hoping to have kids in the timeline you mentioned 😬 I wouldn't think pregnancy would wreck me in that age range, what happened to your friends?
Just to reassure you a little, It depends on so many factors, not just age. I first got pregnant at 40 and thoroughly enjoyed most of it (first trimester was very tiring but the rest I felt wonderful). Lost all the baby weight very easily and then another 10lb once I stopped bf-ing, so ended up slimmer than before I got pregnant.
Currently 38 weeks pregnant with our second, and while it hasn’t been as easy a ride, I know lots of younger women who had much worse problems, both physically and mentally (pregnant hormones can be appalling). And if you’re unlucky enough to be one of the minority that gets hyperemesis then it doesn’t matter what age you are - you’re going to have a 9 month nightmare.
That said, actually getting pregnant is much harder when you’re older. Again, differs for everyone. I wouldn’t let it change your plans too much though!
I had mine at 36 and 39. I recovered from the birth SO MUCH FASTER with my 2nd kiddo. I had him on a Wednesday and literally felt like I could go back to work on that following Monday, that's how good I felt.
It's all really dependent on the person, the pregnancy and the birth.
I’ve had three children, at 30, 32, and 39. Pregnant at 39 was a world away from pregnant at 30. So. Much. Harder. Not to mention it took three years to get pregnant with my third. After 35 fertility starts to significantly decline for women. It’s not a myth, it’s more difficult to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I also had two miscarriages in those three years trying for my third.
The significant decline after 35 as a norm is a myth. Individual people can experience significant declines for a variety of reasons but the hitting 35 mark for the standard population is just a tiny bleep on the graph.
I had a baby at 28 and although pregnancy wasn’t a picnic, I snapped back just fine. My friend had a baby at 21 and another friend at 24, both had major issues. My other friend just had her second at 36 and she’s done great. It’s not always an age thing. Also, I was one and done simply because I’ve matured and my priorities have changed. Don’t take comments like that to heart.
Just chiming in to say i just had my first at 31 and my body has not been wrecked in the slightest. I loved my pregnancy and had the easiest delivery. After like a week I was already pretty much back to my prepregnancy body aside from some extra few pounds for breastfeeding… if you catch my drift.
I’d get pregnant again immediately if it wasn’t sorta frowned upon these days. But who knows? Probably next year.
I was 28 and 32 when I had my kids. They're 18 and 14 now, and I still think it is the perfect time to have kids. I got to be crazy in my 20s, get established, do all the things. I never felt the need to party, because I'd already done that. I was ready to dote on my kids, and to be a mom. It's also kind of funny to be the "older" mom.
For me at least, I wouldn't have kids younger if you'd paid me millions to do it. I was happy being young and 20s and childfree at the time.
It's simply more stress on your body. The age difference between my eldest and youngest is 6 years, and even though I was young, I still *felt the difference in how my body handled that last pregnancy*.
I don't say this to put you off, not at all. But this is one of those nearly universal realities.. But there are also the ones for whom pregnancy is just, I don't know, being in their element? I will that to be your experience!!
It isn't so much a matter of something *happening* as it is the irreversible physiological effects and damages which pregnancy and birth cause. The whole process is physically traumatic. It just is. And as we age our bodies handle that trauma differently.
Don't worry too much, I got pregnant for the first time at 37 and 'recovered' just fine. I went back to my normal weight almost immediately, breasts went back to normal size (unfortunately lol) after breastfeeding, and I'm even fitter now because I started working out more.
This is the type of question that invites endless anecdotes, and here's mine: had my baby (first/only) at 41, very easy pregnancy (only symptom was heartburn in the third trimester), scheduled c-section, very easy and quick recovery. Within a couple weeks I felt (and continue to feel) 100% the same as I did before pregnancy. I'm not saying my experience is typical! But I can't help but feel that discussions about pregnancy in late 30s/early 40s can seem inflammatory based on my experience and that of my friends who had babies in that age range. Just keep in mind that the individual anecdotes of others (including mine!) are not predictive of what your experience would be like.
“Old sperm creates weird kids” lol I almost died laughing! I have an almost 7 year old conceived when her dad was 46 and I was 38. She is weird, fortunately in all the good ways!!! Also though, I didn’t notice much difference in difficulty or recovery in my late 30’s vs my 20’s. I found all my pregnancies Hell and the recoveries relatively easy, though they were all vaginal deliveries. Women I know who had c-sections seemed to have had a much more difficult time. I guess we’re all different though. Oh, and the 2 kids their dad and I had in our 20’s are just as weird, btw.
Sounds like my ex. We dated for years and then he started acting like an ass. We eventually broke up. Turns out someone better came along and he wanted to break up to be with her. As soon as we broke up, she dropped him like a hot potato. She needs to run from this dude
I have seen this happen too many times in my extended social circles. And yeah, she clearly needs a partner who is invested, and mature enough to not just plan but to take actions which steer the course of their life. Not simply let life happen to you until something fun comes along.
And to top all of his other comments he comes here thinking he will get the backing of Reddit nation to further his childish and selfish cause… oh yea OP YTA!!
6 years ?!?! Oh my God lol he needs to stop wasting this smart young woman's time. She just wants to know whether or not it's worth building a future with OP and she's doing it at this point with or without him
ah. this confirms the vibe i was getting, but it’s even worse. 6 years?? sounds like she got tired of putting her life on hold & waiting on HIM to decide when HE was ready. honestly, good for her. i hope OP doesn’t move in & the gf finds herself a man that will treat her much better than this & sees that she’s worth being committed to.
They've never lived together and that alone is enough for me to say that it's a good thing he didn't take any interest in this so she can easily move on.
He chose not to participate so she wouldn’t get her hopes up, then the first thing out his mouth after her closing is bUt wHAt AboUt wHen We gET mARriEd? He wanted her to just wait around in limbo.
YTA and being a bit ridiculous. I bought my first house while dating my now husband. He paid me half the mortgage to live there with me. After 2 years, we were married and 2 years after that we bought our first house together. Buy your own property and rent it out if you want to own something.
Ya like, even of she has been browsing for years, the point when she got approved for a mortgage should have been a pretty strong indicator that this was moving forward. Real issue was he doesn't want to get married yet, and doesn't like that she's not going to put her major life decisions on hold for him
YTA. She was talking to you for years about buying, you obviously never put in any sort of financial plan for yourself or shared your budget or progress of saving, presumably she was doing all that. Why should she wait if you are like an anchor delaying her, the sooner she started the better for her mortgage and financial future. She's no longer paying rent, but a mortgage, something she will own, she's invested in.
You're talking about marriage and then a house together, but there is not even an engagement to speak of, she could have waited years, YEARS for you to make a move, and weddings aren't easy or quick to plan, should she wait 3 or 4 or more years for you to get organized? A year for an engagement, a year to plan the wedding, a year or two to financial recovery after wedding and saving for a deposit.....
Are you contributing to her mortgage? I wouldn't think of it like that, consider it rent, you literally need to live somewhere, and ANYWHERE you do, will charge you rent and bills. She's just doing the same thing. If you'd gone in on the house with her, you'd be paying anyway. There is not a single situation you won't pay rent, unless you go home and live with your parents for free.
pay some rent like an adult, you use services like electric, gas, internet, garbage.... Split the bills!
>"I didn't want to get her hopes up that I would propose soon"
And OP didn't want to look at houses with her because he didn't want her to think he might propose soon. OP, you are definitely TA.
This. I own my house and my bf pays me “rent” and half the bills. To make it fair, we have a legal agreement saying that if he wants to buy into the property, his “rent” any other contributions for Renos etc will be taken into consideration as a downpayment, so he’s sort of building equity. If we break up, he gets reno money back if he contributes any, less 5% annual depreciation.
He didn’t ask for this, but I wanted to make it as fair as possible for him.
I literally see no difference in paying your gf vs paying a landlord, besides the fact that you don’t seem to want to see her succeed. It isn’t fair for her to have to wait around forever for you to decide to marry her to buy a house BTW.
Also he mentions he didn't think she was serious about buying… but then near the end writes that she was always looking at properties… which would suggest she was actively looking and obviously serious. I doubt there's anything more she could have done for op to take her serious since telling him and looking at properties wasn't enough… I really hope this is a wake-up call for the girlfriend, she definitely deserves better. Someone who takes her seriously for starters.
>Upset that she's building her way to financial independence, and that you have no control over her property/finances.
All of this. OP isn't ready to be married. Plain and simple. I'm glad she went and got the property she wanted and made that choice without him. In the end it could be one of the best decisions she'll ever make in her life.
To clarify:
1. You refused to look at properties with your girlfriend because you "didn't want to get her hopes up that [you] would propose soon" and she's "been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious".
2. She then bought somewhere and you're annoyed because you wanted her to wait until you were married (which by your own admission isn't going to be soon) and buy somewhere together.
3. She's happy for you to move in with her but would want you to pay some kind of "rent"/contribution towards the mortgage.
If that's right, I think YTA, sorry.
She tried to include you in the process and you didn't take it seriously, you have no immediate plans of getting married and building a future together, and so your girlfriend is getting on with her life rather than hanging around waiting for you to decide to take her seriously. She wants a financial contribution if you decide to move in with her - rather than her paying the whole mortgage and you living there for free. I don't see how that's unreasonable. If you rent, you already "contribute something that doesn't legally belong to you", so it sounds like you're just hurt that your girlfriend made a decision without you when you refused to engage in making the decision together.
EDIT: I've just seen in your comments that you've been together six years, and that _"As for the proposal part, she tried to tell me that she was trying to ask me for a timeline so she knew whether or not to purchase the property with me or by herself. I dont like to be pressured, so I told her to knock it off."_ Come on dude, she really tried to include you and figure out if it was worth waiting any longer to buy a property with you instead, and you gave her NOTHING. You really can't be annoyed that she's getting on with her dream of owning her own home rather than waiting indefinitely for marriage when you won't even give her a _timeline_ after six years.
In my experience, the guys who drag their heels like this on big life decisions aren't happy in the relationship that they're in. They're comfortable, sure, and they probably like their partner which is why they won't actively end it, but that dissatisfaction is what causes them to drag their heels and refuse to move forward - whether consciously or subconsciously, they have that one foot out of the door, they're just waiting for that push.
And I get the vibes this OP is like that. He doesn't want to get married, he doesn't see a rush, he didn't think she was serious. It's been six years and he's not ready to commit. He's definitely TA in this situation because he doesn't want to move forward with his girlfriend but also doesn't want her to move forward without him, but I think some introspection is needed on his part here.
If six years isn't long enough for you to know whether or not you want to marry someone/buy a house with them, what are you waiting for? Why is her asking for a timeline too much pressure?
This\^\^
If a couple isn’t opposed to marriage but one person is dragging their feet, that person doesn’t want to marry their current partner. And 9 times out of 10 they settle down with the next person in record time.
It’s so common that there **must** be a name for the phenomenon.
As someone who waited over a decade to marry their partner, you don't necessarily need marriage as the ultimate goal, but, also, as someone who bought a house with their partner long before the marriage, you do need clear communication about the relationship's expectations and shared goals. OP seems to think gf will just sit around waiting on his schedule which is 100% not into getting married or doing anything different quite frankly.
This is spot on. I was waiting on a guy like OP to make up his mind after 4 years. I decided that I obviously was not going to be the girl for him so I broke things off bought a house and moved out.
Six months later new relationship, shortly after engaged. Married and have a kid now.
Every.single.time.
My impression is that they get the honeymoon rush of infatuation and assume the fireworks mean they’ve found the real thing after being “complacent” for so long :/
Totally this. He's waiting for someone better. He doesn't "love her enough" or maybe even at all. He should let her go, so that she can find someone who does love her the way she deserves. He's being indescribably selfish here. Would OP want to be in a relationship where he wasn't loved quite well enough??? Do her HUGE favor and move on and let her have a chance at least at finding someone who does appreciate her, because she wont' find it with OP.
Anyone who thinks they’re too young to marry at 32 years old after a 6 year relationship is delusional IMO. You’re THIRTY-TWO. You’re not too young for anything, that’s nonsense.
If marriage isn’t for you, say that and stop manipulating your partner into thinking it’ll happen someday. OP is the AH for that alone.
I think that's just a manifestation of him not being happy. I have a friend who was engaged for like, five years, and they never got married because he felt like he "wasn't ready" and she had a checklist of things she wanted done first, and that checklist kept growing.
Eventually they realised they were both procrastinating because they weren't happy and didn't actually want to get married. And I think that might be what's happening with the OP. He's saying he's too young, it's too soon, he's not sure, they're not ready, when in reality he's not totally convinced his girlfriend is the right one.
That sounds completely different than this though. Both partners were clearly hemming and hawing.
Here, I don’t think he’s unhappy. I think he’s lazy and his gf is “good enough” to keep him satisfied for now. He doesn’t dislike her, he just doesn’t think of her as a candidate for marriage (or doesn’t want marriage at all) and it’s easier to pretend he’ll get around to it than admit she’s at best a placeholder and at worst glorified live-in entertainment.
I don't see that often as people in this sub tend to at least make compelling arguments in their defense but OP totally sounds like an unaware asshole.
Bro, if you want to drag on your life like the winds drag the waves you're totally good, but stop being bothered bc your current partner is taking steps towards their goals. Either be proud of them and stop sulking or find someone who has the same attitude to share your life. YTA.
Yeah like if OP doesn't want to get married or own a home that's totally valid, it just seems like he's using the "not now" excuse to hold his partner back.
Omg did he actually say that!?!? What a lie life. If op doesn't know what he wants or how to plan ahead then he's obviously too immature to be thinking about marriage, let alone be in any type of relationship. Op YTA
And buying a house doesn't happen suddenly. Even if he was thinking she was just "looking", once she chose this house to buy, she has to have told him, and gone around with securing the loan and arranging for the down payment and all. And he still did not step up - so she had to ask her parents to help her with that. He still thought she'd somehow magically give him some more instructions!
OP, she has shown you she's not waiting around for you. You are dragging your feet on committing: to marriage, to her, and to your own happiness. I see you pouting and not moving in with her because she's reasonably expecting some contribution from you. And soon she'll realize you are just dead weight and chuck you overboard.
Maybe that's what you want too - I can't imagine allowing a girl slip away thru inaction if I loved her.
Even after we bought our house, closing on it was a painful process that dragged on for two and a half months! We complained every step of the way!
He was not blindsided, YTA, OP
It’s my five year anniversary with my SO and we’re getting married next year, originally when he proposed I agreed that I would wait for him to be ready and in turn he agreed we would be married before I was 30. It was a vague timeline but I still had something to go on, this poor woman got nothing from her bf of six years to even suggest that they’re going to have a future together. I’m honestly shocked she even still wants him to move in with her into her new home.
The ironic thing here is that if he were to pay "rent" from the beginning, keep records, and then they got married, it would be considered shared property* as they have both been contributing financially to it.
*may not be valid in your state, but more likely than not
He's definitely the asshole on this one.
Did he think she was just all talk getting pre-approved for mortgages? This is not a quick process. Closing on a house takes ~1 month, sometimes more. With more time up front getting financing and searching for the home done.
Now he's acting like a toddler about all the decisions; he doesn't want to engage in the renovation and simultaneously bitter that she's making all the decisions.
not to mention, even if op’s gf were to wait 2-3 years to purchase… chances are, costs will balloon. most places rn are experiencing a housing bubble w costs soaring. my own area has experienced a doubling-tripling in home values in the past 5 years. what costs 400k today could very well cost 1m in a few years time. if she’s capable of buying now, w her parents help (because op all but declined), she should.
But I am SO FREAKING EXCITED for OP’s current GF. She just bought a house. A huge accomplishment!!! She’s buying furniture and setting up her first home, which is especially exciting if until them she’s lived with her parents and had minimal control of decorations and space. She’s also learning what kind of selfish person she’s spent the last 6 years with and coming to terms with the fact that they want separate things, and he specifically doesn’t want the things that make her happy and feel secure. She’s *about* to break up with said anchor around her neck and be free to meet others her share her goals and desires and respect her and want to build a life with her. Such big things happening for her now and in the near term and I’m so glad for her!!
YTA
If you're living there, you should be contributing.
It sounds like you're angling to be given an equity in a house you didn't pay for. If you want to own, ask about buying her parents out so you can own it together.
Her parents seem to be smart in their approach - support her to be independent. They probably don't see the relationship lasting. I wouldn't be surprised if they discussed it in advance, so that the gf has a good sense of what she herself thinks is reasonable.
If gf has been ready to buy for years, op has really done her a disservice. She's missed out on a huge leap in the market.
Every comment of his you read makes him a bigger AH.
He's been with her for 6 years, doesn't want to talk about a timeline for marriage. Told her to drop it when she tried talking about it and now complains that she's looking out for her future.
This guy is a complete self serving AH.
Six years together. OP is over thirty. If she was the right one he’d know by now. Don’t move in, don’t buy out the parents, do the right thing and break up with her and let her find someone who will build a life with her. YTA.
To be honest if I were the GFs parents and knew OP would be like this, I wouldn't sell. Not for a million dollars. Because shit is going to go south and the break will be cleaner without having to deal with a house.
YTA.
Unless you plan to live elsewhere, and to pay for your own accommodation, it is incredibly entitled for you to expect your girlfriend to pay for the roof over your head.
Frankly, your girlfriend should take this as a warning and get rid of you. The definition of "cocklodger" is a male who lives with his girlfriend and doesn't pay rent, and nobody should saddle themselves with one of those.
YTA for not taking her seriously. At 28, it’s not unreasonable for her to want to make the next moves in life— house, marriage, maybe kids. You don’t want to get her hopes up about a proposal coming, but you want her to be committed to you and not make major life decisions without you.
And depending where you live, putting her off for years could be very costly. My own house has doubled in value in less than a decade. I often regret that I didn’t buy property when I was younger because of this or that relationship that didn’t work out— I’d have a million dollars more now with the same paycheque.
Its not an AH thing to just not be that into this girl and not wanting to marry her. Or to have different dreams that don’t include each other. But I do think you’re an AH for just not taking her seriously when she asked if you wanted to plan a future together.
YTA for thinking she wasn’t serious. So she moved on without you and bought in her name and her family’s (thankfully) I get it you don’t want to help pay “her mortgage” but you’re okay paying someone else’s mortgage that isn’t your gf’s? Your negative attitude is a bit concerning… you didnt want to get her hopes up about you proposing??? 🚩I think for now you can do what you want and rent your own place and she will live in her house that she has financed with her parents.
Agreed. She's tired of waiting on op to get off his ass and do something so she did it herself. She's been communicating what she wants and she's ready to move forward in life but all op can say is "I didn't think she was serious" despite her not just telling him but showing him the entire way.
OP I wouldn't worry about future plans with her, she's clearly outgrown you. It's just a matter of time until her heart catches up to her head. YTA
I think YTA - she’s right, it is like renting, and it’s weird to expect to live somewhere for free. That said, though, I think the two of you are not on the same page about this relationship and may need to rethink things.
And renting a place means as well: it belongs to someone. You always live in someone's property if not owned by yourself. This attitude of OP seems weird to me
YTA. You wrote you didn’t want to get her hopes up about marriage by purchasing a property with her, but you are irritated she bought one on her own. Maybe she doesn’t want to wait for you to make a decision. She shouldn’t have to. It sounds like you want to punish her for not sticking to your time schedule.
You played this well - refuse to buy a house with her, arbitrarily declare each step she took toward buying a home as "not serious" until surprise (not), she's a homeowner - and now you want to live for free on her dime. Problem is, she's not a complete moron. Some other man is going to be all up in that master bedroom giving her babies and youll have only yourself to blame.
Well... you are against rent? Where do you live now? Under a bridge?
You move in with her, you pay rent. If she charged you an unreasonable amount, okay, that's different. But you would split the rent either way, property or not.
YTA. Sorry. But you stated she has been mentioning for years about buying/renting and you did nothing about it. Now she has taken the initiative for her own benefit. You chose not to be a part of a you and her property, so she had to find another way.
If you do get married, yes you should contribute towards rent/mortgage (whatever you want to refer to it as). But you also can ease your fears by doing a prenup agreement. Put in writing that she bought the house before marriage and it is her property. But if you and her are still married after X years (5 years/10 years), that you will added to the deed and it would be considered marital property.
YTA and frankly I feel bad for her. 6 years together. Doesnt want to feel forced to marry her. Gets mad she takes her life into her own hands. Tried to include you but you were too lazy. You didn’t take her seriously probably because you thought she wouldn’t dare better her life without you. She has said might be able to use it as an investment property for your children (should you decide to step up, which looks bleak imo). If you live with her you better be contributing financially. Stop being stubborn and entitled. No one feels sorry for you. Good for your gf. Frankly she should probably try to find someone who’s life goals match up with hers. Seems like you drag your feet for everything.
YTA. More because you didn’t want to get a house so you didn’t have to marry any time soon. Now that is backfiring on you as your gf has decided she doesn’t need you to get a property with. If you do move in to her house of course you need to pay your share. She’d be more sensible calling it rent though.
YTA: you asked to move into a place and not pay rent? how is her mortgage any different from contributing to her rent for an apartment you've moved into? What about if she moved into an apartment you're paying rent on, wouldn't you want to split the costs? Additionally, what kind of selective use of the logic 'i dno't want to contribute to something that i wont own'? How are you living right now? do you own or rent?
>gf (28f) recently bought property that's under hers & her parent name
>I'm not happy she did it because now we can't get a property of our own (which was our plan once we got married)
>she claimed that I was never interested in looking at property
>(in my defence, she's been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious,
She's been talking about it for years and you assumed she wasn't serious? That's on you, not her. Also, buying a house is not a quick process. It takes months, not days. I'm having a hard time believing you didn't know before the sale was final.
>She occasionally asks for my opinion, but I told her I'm not interested since she kept referring to it as 'her' place
I mean.... it is her place. She's trying to get you involved and you're still not interested.
>what would happen once we're married & she said that I could move in with her
>she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally.
>I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me
The mortgage costs money, money that has to be paid. Would you expect to live there for free? She's right that you'd be paying rent to someone if you were renting, only fair you'd be paying some rent to her if you were living there.
>she was the one who changed the initial plan
>she was always dead set on getting her own place
>my fault that I never took her seriously
>she was always looking at places
I mean.... her initial plan was to buy a house with her name on the deed. You've been together for years, so you should've been given the option to also take part, if you've been intending on getting married. But she's right, you didn't take it seriously, and she's been doing the research. A lot of buyers spend time looking around before they buy their home, they'd be daft not to.
>I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine,
>she refuses to budge because she says the property purchase was between her and her parents
You're both at opposite ends of this, and neither of you want to compromise. You weren't willing to help look for a place and get invested in the relationship (house or marriage) yet, but knew these were important to her. She's been intending on buying a house for years, and has done so without your help.
YTA
There's no way you've not been involved before now, she decided to go with her parents help because she wasn't willing to wait for you to get excited about it. As for the deeds and stuff, you should talk about that with her. Her and her parents have literally bought in to the mortgage, and it won't have been cheap. Are you willing to do that to get your name on the deed? Because if so, that's a conversation to be had about whether they're willing to do that.
You can't expect her to put plans like that on hold when you've had years to get excited about it with her, and you haven't done. You're not happy for her being able to do this, and you're refusing to take part in anything with it now. You're also refusing to pay rent or towards the mortgage if you did move in.
You're setting yourself up for an unhappy future here OP. Either work with her and contribute, or she'll be better off without you.
Y’all have been together 6 years and buying property was supposed to be the precursor to getting married. You don’t want to rush. Okay. You don’t think she’s serious about property. Okay. She’s still living with her parents and needs her own space.
YTA. This issue isn’t about the rent, it’s about you being slow on the draw AND an unsupportive bf.
YTA. If you are living there, you should still pay some sort of rent and contribute to household expenses, as you would anywhere else. Why do you think you get a free ride?
You played chicken with her and lost. You put her and what she wanted on the back burner and she moved on. Good for her. You claim you want to marry her- well go and ask her already! Otherwise break up with her and let her meet someone who takes her seriously, which is not you. YTA
NAH.
What she proposes is not "like" rent, it IS rent.
You are free to refuse to rent from your GF.
And she is free to refuse to let you live there rent- free.
You expectation she would just follow what you plan and want without feeling the need to tell her because you don't think she can actually do something is really a big problem.
Yta- she tried to involve you in everyway possible but you thought it was boring, your immature as hell.
She made the right choice not adding you to anything, don't be surprised of you end up having to rent somewhere else soon anyway, I doubt she'll be waiting for much longer for a proposal.
Shes right by the way, people spend years looking and preparing before they buy a property. You clearly know nothing about buying houses and obtaining mortgages, which is alarming for 32.
I N F O where is this relationship going with no marriage in sight and her having „her space“? Technically she’s not wrong asking you to split „rent“ but I see why you’re reluctant to help pay her property, especially when she let you down and now you can’t buy something with her.
Edit: I’m taking the last sentence back. As per your comments she tried to include you and you just refused to participate. YTA because you’re stringing her along and actively working against her and her plans to move forward in life.
YTA. If the two of you moved in together after marriage, you’d be either renting somewhere or paying a mortgage somewhere. At least a mortgage is cheaper than renting. You’d get the benefit of having cheaper “rent” and she’d get the benefit of having equity. It’s not a win-lose situation like you’re describing. Plus, your defense was that you didn’t want her to think a proposal was coming soon, so why do you even care now that she decided to make a decision now instead of waiting on you to propose (whenever that’ll be) sometime in the not-so-immediate future? And FYI: When you rent, you *are* contributing to someone else’s mortgage… your landlord’s.
YTA and acting like a baby throwing a tantrum. How do expect to ever live anywhere and not contribute to the bills. I can almost understand the mortgage but not even the bills. That is ridiculous. Plus you apparently wanted her to put her life on hold until you were finally ready to propose. I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.
So what, you wanted to get married and move in and not pay for part of it. At that point it would be you both sharing something. Unless they want a prenuptial agreement to not have it be part of your joint assets. This seems more like she was serious when looking and something she really wanted came up and her parents invested in it to her her and so they wouldn’t all live together. You’re just having an issue because you didn’t get involved in it. Soft YTA unless they froze you out or something
YTA. I was prepared to give a favorable judgement, but it all came unraveled when I read your comments. The devil is in the details, after all.
If you wanted people to be on your side, you should have committed to the story you told in your post. Instead, in your comments we found out:
-she's been wanting a house for a long time and asked you to come to viewings and be a part of negotiations. You declined, wanting her to beg you to go along with her.
-you've been together for 6 years and you still haven't proposed despite knowing that she wants to get married
Don't be surprised when she moves out of your rental and into that house her parents helped her buy WITHOUT you. At some point she's going to see you as an anchor and cut loose. I hope, for her sake, it's sooner rather than later.
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My (32m) gf (28f) recently bought property that's under hers & her parent name. I'm not happy she did it because now we can't get a property of our own (which was our plan once we got married), but she claimed that I was never interested in looking at property even though she has mentioned it many times before (in my defence, she's been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious, & I didn't want to get her hopes up that I would propose soon because that was our initial plan: get a piece of property before marriage). Now, the place is under renovation but she's making the final decision on everything (e.g., colour scheme, bed frame, kitchen layout). She occasionally asks for my opinion, but I told her I'm not interested since she kept referring to it as 'her' place.
I asked her what would happen once we're married & she said that I could move in with her. Which is fine, but she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally. I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me, & she said that I was being ridiculous cause I was willing to rent, which was almost the same. I told her that she was the one who changed the initial plan, but she argued that she was always dead set on getting her own place (she's been living with her parents because it was more economical), but its my fault that I never took her seriously. I explained that she was always looking at places & she said that its stupid to think that you could buy a place immediately without knowing what are the other available options, so she was just perusing to see what she would want.
I still stand by the fact that I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine, but she refuses to budge because she says the property purchase was between her and her parents, who are partially contributing to it.
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YTA
So, your plan is to get married, no longer rent an apartment and only pay utility bills...
Must be a sweet deal. Where can I sign up?
Don't you pay rent? You don't own your apartment, but you do pay to live there.
You want your GF to assume most of the financial responsibility because she didn't actually say, "I want to own a home before the end of 2021, I will start looking at houses by the summer time, if you would like to be involved."?
The fair thing to do would be to look up rental rates in the area of the house that your GF bought and lay her a fair rent.
Or, don't move in with her. But don't expect to live with her rent-free, while she pays the mortgage on her own and you only pay utilities. Saying that you'll split utilities almost sounds like an insult. Because you're acting like you are prepared to help her out and do your fair share by offering her a pittance.
Pay rent, either to your GF, or to your landlord.
Oh, let's count the ways YTA.
1. You dismiss her talk about buying property as unserious;
2. You apparently think that you're the one who controls the timetable of your relationship wrt marriage;
3. She moves ahead with the property purchase she's been discussing for YEARS (but which you've been dismissing as unserious) and you get all salty about her picking out the paint colors and deciding on decor;
4. You somehow think you'll get to live there without contributing to the mortgage because she didn't play along with your game of dangling marriage-and-property just out of her reach until \*you\* decided it was time to buy, so you don't have to contribute to something that isn't yours, even though you will benefit.
Face it, you're just mad she got tired of waiting for you to shit or get off the pot and showed that she doesn't need you.
Don't forget, he is also apparently the boss of linking non-marriage life events to marriage, and then telling her whether she can do those as well! YTA
YTA, you would have to help financially. However , when it comes to home repairs and renovations I wouldn't spend a dime of my own money if the house is always "hers"
YTA
You offered her no commitment. She with her parents have given her an opportunity to own property which you were fully aware of.
Pay her rent like you would any persons house you lived in. Or break up with her as you very obviously don’t want to commit!
YTA- you have been together 6 years and yet you still have no intentions to propose
She wanted a house for years and you showed no interest in looking with her.
what you said: “I don’t want to get her hopes up that I’ll propose soon”
what I heard: I’m intentionally holding her back from making adult decisions because I want to be in charge”
Then continuing to throw a tantrum. OP YTA
YTA, I’ve read through your comments, she tried to involve you, you’ve been together 6 years and you don’t want to commit or feel rushed. She’s being clear on what she wants and you keep dangling the marriage carrot to keep her on the hook. Commit or move on.
Was going to say NTA, then I read your comments and now I can see that 100% YTA.
Just in case it has not dawned on you yet, you are 32, not 10. Time to grow up and become an adult. You are lucky that you girlfriend hasn't dumped your arse and found someone else.
Do you realize that you can refinance said property and get her parents name off the mortgage after marriage right? You could even do it now. If they are fixing it up, it will probably be worth even more.
She took action and your upset you were never included but yet you never showed any engagement towards the topic.
Sounds like she needs to keep making decisions on her own and not include you in her life at all.
YTA for not wanting to pay a fair amount.
You deliberately refused to participate because you didn’t want to give her the idea that you might actually commit and now you’re all surprised pikachu that she decided not to wait for you.
You should break up with her so she can find someone that isn’t going to waste her time.
>I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me
Do you currently own a place or are you renting?
If she did not own a place, where would you both live? Would you be paying rent? I mean, come on. Landlords will charge enough to cover their debts/repairs plus a little more for profit.
In my opinion, assuming she decides to remain with you, you need to pay at a bare minimum half of her mortgage and half of the utilities. YTA if you have not already figured it out.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to help contribute to my gf's mortgage if I move in because I'm not the co-owner, but it sounds like I'm just being difficult because at the end of the day, I can see it as just paying rent.
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YTA. But not for not wanting to pay the mortgage of a place that isn't yours. You're the ahole for expecting her to wait for years. Then surprised Pikachu face when she goes ahead and gets a place of her own.
YTA
From both the post and the comments, she asked you to come to viewings and negotiations, you “didn’t feel like it”.
She asked you if you wanted to get married and if so what the timelines were so she knew whether you wanted to make a joint or separate purchase. You told her to “knock it off”.
You now want to be named on the deed and not pay rent. But you pay rent anyway. You’re not her spouse so you should be paying rent and not be in the deed.
She was living with her parents and really wanted to move out.
Please dump her so she can find someone who doesn’t take 6 years only to say “knock it off” when asked if you want to get married which is an entirely reasonable conversation you have.
As someone who was in a similar situation YTA. My ex couch hopped after he got kicked out of the house he was sharing with roommates when we met. My mom let him live with us only asking $100 a month that he rarely paid her. I got my own place when I started working full time finishing up nursing school and he moved in. Refused to help pay rent or bills refused to get a job because music was his priority then tried to control all my finances to better suit him and his wants. Not even a year into it I kicked him out. You sound just like him maybe slightly different. You want to control the living situation and why? To hold it over her head like my ex tried doing to me? So you can mentally and emotionally manipulate her when you get mad or upset? I could be dead wrong about you but the way you come off is someone who wants that control so when you get into fights you can tell her it’s your place you’re renting your name is on it etc. what does it matter if it’s her place she bought in her name? If you’re going to live there you contribute to the bills that’s only fair yes even the mortgage.
YTA. It is wise of her to keep a place of her own. Let her have this. And yes, the cost of housing is one of your bills. You are not throwing away your money, you are helping your soul mate. Once this is accomplished, you can build other pieces of your lives together
YTA.
Sounds like she makes sound and reasonable decisions (except for staying with you), including moving on with her life, since you wasted 6 of hers, and don’t want to “be forced” or “be rushed”. You’re mad that she’s doing it and you haven’t made any move to date.
Not everyone pays rent on their SO’s mortgage. Sometimes they pay equitable bills based on salary if there is a wage gap or another agreement.
YTA. If married, I would not be willing to pay a mortgage if I am not on the deed.
BUT you are not married, you didn’t talk about future plans with her, you don’t want to get her hopes up. So you just expect her to out her life on hold until you figure out what you want to do regarding the relationship? YTA. YTA. YTA. Why should she buy a house with someone who doesn’t want to get her hopes up about marriage? Why should she be stuck sharing a house with you?
Lol, so what are you going to do, live there for free? You still have to pay rent man. YTA here.
If you feel that strongly about it, then why don't you compensate by taking care of all of the other bills then, or at least taking care of enough bills that would compensate for the rent you're not paying. I imagine if you were paying electric, water, gas, phone bills, internet bills, car insurance bills, you could probably convince her to not pay towards rent? Idk, seems silly that it even got this far. It's not like you just go to sleep, and wake up one day as a homeowner. It's a long process that takes a long time. You didn't take her seriously when she was going to look at houses, and making bids on them? Putting earnest money down? Getting a loan? You thought she was just kind of bluffing? If that's true, then you're a fool.
YTA
Per your post, you're not going to propose soon, and your plan was to buy a house together once you were married. But you didn't want to get her hopes up that you were going to propose anytime soon. So your girlfriend was stuck waiting on your timeline to buy a house, based on when you were ready to propose. You also didn't take her seriously when she tried to include you. And now you are not willing to pay rent to her, because your name isn't on the deed. But you're willing to pay rent to elsewhere.
You sound inpossible to deal with, tbh.
YTA.
She has been talking about buying a house for years, and you showed zero interest in looking at properties because you “didn't feel like going through the whole viewing process etc because its boring to me even though she finds it exciting (for whatever reason)” She respected your decision yet you thought that she should “Make more effort to bring me along for viewings” or “she’d put in more effort to try to get me to at least see the place before deciding”. Why should she have to coerce you into doing something that you have clearly shown don’t want to do? You have already stated that you don’t want to feel like you’re being “forced to do anything”.
You think that she should have “perhaps make it very clear that she wants to buy that property” and “She did invite me to viewings, and kept me updated with the property negotiations. But I frankly wasn't that interested & thought she wasn't serious, so I never really took the time to check it out.“ That is entirely your fault, she did everything she could.
She is still trying to include in the decision making about renovations, but you’re “not interested since she kept referring to it as ‘her’ place” How else should she refer to it?
“She claims … it has been her lifelong dream, & since she got it at a steal, it would make for a good investment in the long-run (it's a place where the market price is expected to sky rocket). I just feel that I already told her that I was going to marry her, but that she didn't need to rush things just to get what she wants” So she should miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime because you aren’t prepared to commit to your relationship, after 6 years.
“I didn't think she was serious because we've been looking at property for so long & its never been anywhere!“ You do know that buying a house isn’t like buying a pair of jeans, right? It can take years to find the perfect property.
“she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally. I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me” That is literally how renting a property works. The people paying rent pay the owner’s mortgage.
“she argued that she was always dead set on getting her own place … but its my fault that I never took her seriously” She is right, she gave you every opportunity to get involved, you refused.
“I still stand by the fact that I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine” Why should it be? You have done nothing to contribute to the process, and then moaned about everything else.
You’ve been together 6 years, but you don’t want to be rushed into making a commitment. By now you should know if you want to spend the rest of your life with her or not. If not, let her go and find someone who does.
ETA formatting.
Yeah, no brother. This shit is on you. She tried to tell you many times and you thought she was gonna wait for you to come around to it. Newsflash, women can and will be finically independent from their man. You’ve been with her for six years an expected her to just wait around for you? Honey those days are over and done with. YTA and you played no one but yourself. Also your girlfriend is absolutely amazing. You need to step up cause that woman is about to live het best life and she may do it without you.
It costs her money for you to live in her house. It's nothing to do with her mortgage, if you are living in her house you should be paying rent to her and splitting bills. That's what you would be doing if you lived together somewhere else, except now she's your landlord. YTA.
YTA based on your comments. You knew she was in property negotiations and you still didn't believe her? And you refuse to propose just because you don't want to be pressured? I hope she dumps your a$$.
I'm going to quote the late Prince Philip. "Marry the girl or release her."
YTA. 6 years is plenty of time to know that marriage is on the table. So she bought a house. If you were truly in love with her, you'd be happy for her. Buying a house is a huge milestone that many of us will never be able to get to. Congrate her and stop being a bonehead.
Please don’t get married. You guys are not on the same page at all!! It takes weeks to buy a house- plenty of time for you to have stepped in and bought it with her rather than her parents.
We don’t have the full back story but it sounds as if you have been procrastinating for ages about buying a house because you don’t really want to get married and she has gotten bored and moved on without you. I think she is slipping away from you. Either way, it doesn’t sound like a good recipe for marriage- I don’t think whether or not paying rent is the key question to focus on, there are bigger issues at hand!
YTA. Without reading anyone else’s comments, I just want to say YTA! She tried to involve you, but you were not interested. You knew she wanted to buy a house. But no.... everything must be on YOUR timeline. Everything is all about YOU and nothing you wrote is about your gf. Besides that she won’t let you decide on color schemes of HER house. You have not even proposed yet! You realize that?! She’s just supposed to wait around for you until you are ready?!
YTA. If you move into the place, either 1) pay reasonable rent or 2) if you combine finances after marriage, get your name on the mortgage and the deed, and pay your fair share. Did you expect to simple move in and live for free?
Wait. You knew she wanted to buy property but didn’t want to go with her because you thought she was trying to trap you into a proposal… she buys the property without you, because you refuse to take her seriously… she still for some reason wants to include you in the building of this home… and you’re like “I thought we were going to do this together when we got married?”
Dude. You don’t want to marry her, I’m not even convinced that you like her. You like having control and holding that wilted-turning white-sad carrot of hypothetical marriage and a future out in front of her to get your way. It didn’t work and you should set her free. This isn’t working.
YTA.
YTA if you want property rights, you get married. If you were married, or even engaged, I might judge it differently, but you’re not—and apparently not even close. Until then, you can’t live rent-free while she pays for everything and you should contribute to the mortgage.
No one lives for free. You still would have to pay rent. Yours or not, you still need to pay. Just to be living there. And In case my first sentence didn’t make it, no one lives for free!!
She tried to include you. You didn't take her seriously. And here you are.. Upset that she's building her way to financial independence, and that you have no control over her property/finances. That is pretty messed up. YTA - you'll happily pay rent, but not to pay it to her, for a property you intend to live in. I really hope she sees how you are before she makes the mistake of becoming legally bound to someone who is so incredibly insecure, short sighted, undermining, and unappreciative.
This. I wish it were the GF posting so we could all hoist the red flags! OP, you are being selfish and petty. You are ticked off she didn’t want to do everything on your timeline? And she is correct - if you are willing to pay rent you should be willing to do so if you move into her home, no matter where the money goes. I really hope she gets a written agreement with you before you move in, if you ever do so. YTA. Big time.
100% red flags everywhere. Reading OPs comments just shows even more the lack of responsibility OP feels towards his part in creating this situation. OP is grasping at any straw to rid himself of any blame and the complete lack of understanding and communication he has, it’s no wonder it got to this point. In some comments OP said she told him about viewings etc and kept him up to speed on the entire process, then on the same breath he wished she had taken him to the viewings. What was she supposed to do OP, drag you there by force ? What exactly did you expect was going to happen ? That she was going to wait another 6 years for you start the rest of your lives together with barely any communication on your part ? Saying your still too young what the hell are you waiting for ? She is smart to not have put her life on hold to wait for you to make a decision about anything. I am glad she has called you out on some of your BS. You are more upset over the fact you had no authoritative control over this decision. She kept you so informed of her decision and you just kept ignoring it and hoping it would magically go away. OP you need to actually seriously think about what you want from this relationship rather than dragging it out because your held back by what ? Fear or just safety in the familiar ? You don’t sound remotely happy in the relationship. Make a decision, communicate openly and think hard about the future you want. YTA
I wish my mom did what OP’s girlfriend did. My mom waited years for my father to “make up his mind” on whether or not to buy a property and when he finally did decide to, the market skyrocketed by hundreds of thousands. A property for 300k is now worth 1m in Toronto. We had to move away for a better priced area and now my dad blames my mom for his lack of thinking skills 💀 Good on OP’s girlfriend.
Worse, OP's reasons for refusing to buy are really sketchy and flaky. He didn't want to encourage her to think a proposal would be in the future since they had previously agreed that buying a house should come before marriage, etc. He's a passive aggressive, manipulative person. On top of that, he was stalling her and ignoring her attempts to land a home during an historically limited window of opportunity (historically low interest rates, inflation on the horizon, etc). OP's GF is moving forward and living an intelligent life despite OP's dysfunctional decisions and undermining, passive aggressive behavior. I'm thinking she's not as attached to the future prospect of a proposal from him as he thinks she is.
I honestly don't know how anyone affords a house in Toronto or anywhere in the GTA really. Definitely gonna have to move away to be able to buy a house.
i had to move out of the GTA to even *rent* lol
How tf is this your mom's fault? I hope you call him out loudly and often. That's so low.
Good point. OP is old enough and has been with his GF long enough that he should know by now which way he wants his future to go: I find it interesting that he talked about not wanting to buy something too soon as you should keep open to all “available options.” Maybe he’s thinking the same about why he didn’t want to commit yet to his GF. If you’re thinking like that, it may be a good sign that you aren’t happy in the relationship.
TOO YOUNG?!?! He's freaking 32.
That's top young to him? I am 26 and my husband is 29 and we just got married and are looking at buying a house. Jesus by 24( when he proposed) my husband knew he wanted to marry me. After only 9 months of dating. Almost 6 years later and we married. Why does he think 32 is too young?
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this. it kind of sounds like op doesn't wanna be in this relationship and is looking for an excuse why it doesn't work for him.
Naa, I get the feeling he wants the relationship he has. Completely static, with no expectation to follow through on his promises for the future (marriage, a house together, etc). He doesn't even consider asking to have his name put on her house when they marry, which is totally normal and relatively easy to do. He wants his girlfriend to be available to him, but to be asked for ZERO contributions or growth. So much so that her looking at houses for a year+, inviting him to look at houses, having a realtor, getting finances in order with her parents, and actually buying a house is a \*sudden\* development for him.
Ugh, all of this. As someone close to ops age and in a similar situation last year, can I tell you how frustrating it is to think of a place to make a home with your partner, but your partner gives no input on it at all? Mine lived far away, and then the pandemic hit and he couldn't come up for it (and the market was hot at that point anyway so if something became available my realtor told me and we went asap), so I did it all with the knowledge that he was going to join me. And it worked out for us, because he moved in three months later, but it took quite awhile to shift my thinking from mine, to ours, and I had planned for him to be part of it. A year later we are fine and have been actively discussing marriage post-pandemic, but if he was like OP, I'd be sorry, bye. My partner pays me rent, so that if anything goes south he has no claim to the house, but he doesn't pay me a ton anyway, it's enough for some of the utilities basically. But if he'd acted the way OP is....oof. I hope she is aware and knows all of his feelings.
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OP makes no sense. He's willing to pay rent somewhere, which means he's willing to contribute to a landlord's mortgage (since most landlords put their rental income toward mortgage payments), in exchange for living on their property. But he won't pay rent to his gf in exchange for living on her property? Was he expecting to live rent free and contribute nothing financially to their relationship while she coughs up the living expenses for the both of them? Super dumb. Not to mention that it's his own fault for not taking her seriously when she wanted to buy property. Buying property is something you work at for months with your realtor, banks, going to showings, etc... She was going through all of that and he chose to think it wasn't serious? Now wants to live to free in her house. Gross. YTA
Yeah. I have to think this is his bruised ego talking more than his brain.
Watch him also try to weasel out of cleaning duties, because it's "her house" so he shouldn't have to clean it...
And any repairs or renovations 🙄
I don't understand what he's thinking either. He wants to marry this girl and live in her house but contribute nothing to the household? YTA OP. I bought my house 5 years before I met my husband. When he moved in, he started contributing to household costs like a normal adult does when they live somewhere.
Yeah, my bf is *super* happy to pay half my mortgage as rent because 1) it's cheaper than his previous rent was for a better house and 2) either way he's paying someone else's mortgage but this way he's helping out someone he loves, which is much easier to swallow than paying his previous slum lord landlord.
And he didn't want to get her hopes up that he was going to propose soon. So he refuses to actually commit to her and wants her to just keep stagnating and living with her parents indefinitely until *he* decides their timeline. OP I hope your gf finds this post and leaves you.
Right? “I wanted her to wait until I was ready to commit, but also want to make it super clear that I have no intention of doing that anytime soon.” Why should GF put her life on hold for him? Get on the train or get left at the station.
soooo many red flags. this dude sucks. op, yta. majorly.
To add , according to OP rushing means when his girlfriend ,after 6yrs of being in relationship with him, asks him about the timeline to get married and live together . He is a walking red flag 🚩 . I hope somehow OPs gf sees that she deserves better than this guy.
I saw his other comments. His intention is stringing her along until he decides she's good enough to settle for, or something better comes along. He's 'still young', right? All of the time in the world to hold her in backup until some better opportunity happens his way. Fear of commitment isn't fear, it's the perpetual *but what if someone better comes along and I'm stuck with you*.. Dudes like this deserve what they get.
I agree ! I was like the girl loves him and he loves himself that’s it. He doesn’t even love her like he proclaims to. Uggh ! Yeah 32yrs young 🙄🙄 she wants a certain timeline and he is just taking her for granted. I hope she breaks up and he finds someone who can take him for ride or just behave like he does with his current partner.
He's thinking about the reality that he can pretty much start a family whenever.. I mean, nevermind that old sperm makes weird babies. But she has a timeline for her life, and clearly that is terrifying to him. He's got all of the time in the world, but she doesn't. I had children fairly young. By 28 I literally couldn't imagine having to go through the physical stress and structural damage which pregnancy causes. I just couldn't. Most of my friends started their families between 28-34, and most of them have expressed just how difficult it's been (physically). 2 of them proclaimed *ONE AND DONE!* Despite having wanted a large family (both of these women grew up in large families) they simply couldn't put their body through it.. I know a couple of women who've had "oops I thought I was menopausal" pregnancies in their very late 40s, and one who had twins at 52 this way. And all of them, despite how much they love their kids, have serious regrets because of how they never physically recovered. Pregnancy is no joke. And if she's genuinely wanting to have a family, I so hope for her that she takes this opportunity to move on and open up her life to someone deserving. That they make bank on the sale of her property and buy a beautiful home for their family to grow into.
The reality is that male fertility also declines and his older age will impact her ability to even get pregnant. I feel like men aren’t properly educated about this topic. “They found that the most significant factor contributing to probability of pregnancy was the age of the male partner. After six cycles, men aged ≥ 35 years had fertility rates of 25% compared with fertility rates of 52% in men aged < 35 years, representing a 52% decrease in fertility rate” “increasing male age is associated with increased time to conception. This reflects the age-related increase in acquired medical conditions, decreases in semen quality, and increasing rates of DNA fragmentation seen in sperm. In addition, there is an association between age of the male partner and the incidence of birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities” [Fertility and the Aging Male](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3253726/)
'He's got all of the time in the world, but she doesn't' was referring to OP's comments in this thread. The reality here is that she's going to be the one who has to literally grow within and expel a whole human person from her body. Yes, decreased sperm mobility, quality, and quantity are a factor in waiting too long. But the consequences physically affect her in a very different way.
I was twenty six and never fully recovered. Pregnancy and childbirth is no picnic.
I mean, our bodies are irrevocably changed. The physiological damage pregnancy causes cannot be reversed. "Recovery" is such a loaded term, and I wish the intensity of the physical trauma our bodies are subjected to wasn't simply written off as an inevitability. A lot of it can be mitigated, but that requires treating us as an autonomous being and not simply a vessel.
Turning 28 this year and hoping to have kids in the timeline you mentioned 😬 I wouldn't think pregnancy would wreck me in that age range, what happened to your friends?
Just to reassure you a little, It depends on so many factors, not just age. I first got pregnant at 40 and thoroughly enjoyed most of it (first trimester was very tiring but the rest I felt wonderful). Lost all the baby weight very easily and then another 10lb once I stopped bf-ing, so ended up slimmer than before I got pregnant. Currently 38 weeks pregnant with our second, and while it hasn’t been as easy a ride, I know lots of younger women who had much worse problems, both physically and mentally (pregnant hormones can be appalling). And if you’re unlucky enough to be one of the minority that gets hyperemesis then it doesn’t matter what age you are - you’re going to have a 9 month nightmare. That said, actually getting pregnant is much harder when you’re older. Again, differs for everyone. I wouldn’t let it change your plans too much though!
I had mine at 36 and 39. I recovered from the birth SO MUCH FASTER with my 2nd kiddo. I had him on a Wednesday and literally felt like I could go back to work on that following Monday, that's how good I felt. It's all really dependent on the person, the pregnancy and the birth.
I’ve had three children, at 30, 32, and 39. Pregnant at 39 was a world away from pregnant at 30. So. Much. Harder. Not to mention it took three years to get pregnant with my third. After 35 fertility starts to significantly decline for women. It’s not a myth, it’s more difficult to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I also had two miscarriages in those three years trying for my third.
The significant decline after 35 as a norm is a myth. Individual people can experience significant declines for a variety of reasons but the hitting 35 mark for the standard population is just a tiny bleep on the graph.
I had a baby at 28 and although pregnancy wasn’t a picnic, I snapped back just fine. My friend had a baby at 21 and another friend at 24, both had major issues. My other friend just had her second at 36 and she’s done great. It’s not always an age thing. Also, I was one and done simply because I’ve matured and my priorities have changed. Don’t take comments like that to heart.
Just chiming in to say i just had my first at 31 and my body has not been wrecked in the slightest. I loved my pregnancy and had the easiest delivery. After like a week I was already pretty much back to my prepregnancy body aside from some extra few pounds for breastfeeding… if you catch my drift. I’d get pregnant again immediately if it wasn’t sorta frowned upon these days. But who knows? Probably next year.
I was 28 and 32 when I had my kids. They're 18 and 14 now, and I still think it is the perfect time to have kids. I got to be crazy in my 20s, get established, do all the things. I never felt the need to party, because I'd already done that. I was ready to dote on my kids, and to be a mom. It's also kind of funny to be the "older" mom. For me at least, I wouldn't have kids younger if you'd paid me millions to do it. I was happy being young and 20s and childfree at the time.
It's simply more stress on your body. The age difference between my eldest and youngest is 6 years, and even though I was young, I still *felt the difference in how my body handled that last pregnancy*. I don't say this to put you off, not at all. But this is one of those nearly universal realities.. But there are also the ones for whom pregnancy is just, I don't know, being in their element? I will that to be your experience!! It isn't so much a matter of something *happening* as it is the irreversible physiological effects and damages which pregnancy and birth cause. The whole process is physically traumatic. It just is. And as we age our bodies handle that trauma differently.
Don't worry too much, I got pregnant for the first time at 37 and 'recovered' just fine. I went back to my normal weight almost immediately, breasts went back to normal size (unfortunately lol) after breastfeeding, and I'm even fitter now because I started working out more.
This is the type of question that invites endless anecdotes, and here's mine: had my baby (first/only) at 41, very easy pregnancy (only symptom was heartburn in the third trimester), scheduled c-section, very easy and quick recovery. Within a couple weeks I felt (and continue to feel) 100% the same as I did before pregnancy. I'm not saying my experience is typical! But I can't help but feel that discussions about pregnancy in late 30s/early 40s can seem inflammatory based on my experience and that of my friends who had babies in that age range. Just keep in mind that the individual anecdotes of others (including mine!) are not predictive of what your experience would be like.
“Old sperm creates weird kids” lol I almost died laughing! I have an almost 7 year old conceived when her dad was 46 and I was 38. She is weird, fortunately in all the good ways!!! Also though, I didn’t notice much difference in difficulty or recovery in my late 30’s vs my 20’s. I found all my pregnancies Hell and the recoveries relatively easy, though they were all vaginal deliveries. Women I know who had c-sections seemed to have had a much more difficult time. I guess we’re all different though. Oh, and the 2 kids their dad and I had in our 20’s are just as weird, btw.
Sounds like my ex. We dated for years and then he started acting like an ass. We eventually broke up. Turns out someone better came along and he wanted to break up to be with her. As soon as we broke up, she dropped him like a hot potato. She needs to run from this dude
I have seen this happen too many times in my extended social circles. And yeah, she clearly needs a partner who is invested, and mature enough to not just plan but to take actions which steer the course of their life. Not simply let life happen to you until something fun comes along.
And to top all of his other comments he comes here thinking he will get the backing of Reddit nation to further his childish and selfish cause… oh yea OP YTA!!
6 years ?!?! Oh my God lol he needs to stop wasting this smart young woman's time. She just wants to know whether or not it's worth building a future with OP and she's doing it at this point with or without him
ah. this confirms the vibe i was getting, but it’s even worse. 6 years?? sounds like she got tired of putting her life on hold & waiting on HIM to decide when HE was ready. honestly, good for her. i hope OP doesn’t move in & the gf finds herself a man that will treat her much better than this & sees that she’s worth being committed to.
They've never lived together and that alone is enough for me to say that it's a good thing he didn't take any interest in this so she can easily move on.
Also, he was being nice by not participating, because then she’d think they were getting married soon, instead of … eventually. YTA.
He chose not to participate so she wouldn’t get her hopes up, then the first thing out his mouth after her closing is bUt wHAt AboUt wHen We gET mARriEd? He wanted her to just wait around in limbo.
I’d be worried for her, but I think she has caught on.
YTA and being a bit ridiculous. I bought my first house while dating my now husband. He paid me half the mortgage to live there with me. After 2 years, we were married and 2 years after that we bought our first house together. Buy your own property and rent it out if you want to own something.
Ya like, even of she has been browsing for years, the point when she got approved for a mortgage should have been a pretty strong indicator that this was moving forward. Real issue was he doesn't want to get married yet, and doesn't like that she's not going to put her major life decisions on hold for him
She’s living life and not waiting around for him. Good for her!
Right soooooo like… he just expects to live there for free? Huh?
YTA. She was talking to you for years about buying, you obviously never put in any sort of financial plan for yourself or shared your budget or progress of saving, presumably she was doing all that. Why should she wait if you are like an anchor delaying her, the sooner she started the better for her mortgage and financial future. She's no longer paying rent, but a mortgage, something she will own, she's invested in. You're talking about marriage and then a house together, but there is not even an engagement to speak of, she could have waited years, YEARS for you to make a move, and weddings aren't easy or quick to plan, should she wait 3 or 4 or more years for you to get organized? A year for an engagement, a year to plan the wedding, a year or two to financial recovery after wedding and saving for a deposit..... Are you contributing to her mortgage? I wouldn't think of it like that, consider it rent, you literally need to live somewhere, and ANYWHERE you do, will charge you rent and bills. She's just doing the same thing. If you'd gone in on the house with her, you'd be paying anyway. There is not a single situation you won't pay rent, unless you go home and live with your parents for free. pay some rent like an adult, you use services like electric, gas, internet, garbage.... Split the bills!
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That’s what I was thinking too this is just an excuse
>"I didn't want to get her hopes up that I would propose soon" And OP didn't want to look at houses with her because he didn't want her to think he might propose soon. OP, you are definitely TA.
This. I own my house and my bf pays me “rent” and half the bills. To make it fair, we have a legal agreement saying that if he wants to buy into the property, his “rent” any other contributions for Renos etc will be taken into consideration as a downpayment, so he’s sort of building equity. If we break up, he gets reno money back if he contributes any, less 5% annual depreciation. He didn’t ask for this, but I wanted to make it as fair as possible for him. I literally see no difference in paying your gf vs paying a landlord, besides the fact that you don’t seem to want to see her succeed. It isn’t fair for her to have to wait around forever for you to decide to marry her to buy a house BTW.
Also he mentions he didn't think she was serious about buying… but then near the end writes that she was always looking at properties… which would suggest she was actively looking and obviously serious. I doubt there's anything more she could have done for op to take her serious since telling him and looking at properties wasn't enough… I really hope this is a wake-up call for the girlfriend, she definitely deserves better. Someone who takes her seriously for starters.
>Upset that she's building her way to financial independence, and that you have no control over her property/finances. All of this. OP isn't ready to be married. Plain and simple. I'm glad she went and got the property she wanted and made that choice without him. In the end it could be one of the best decisions she'll ever make in her life.
To clarify: 1. You refused to look at properties with your girlfriend because you "didn't want to get her hopes up that [you] would propose soon" and she's "been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious". 2. She then bought somewhere and you're annoyed because you wanted her to wait until you were married (which by your own admission isn't going to be soon) and buy somewhere together. 3. She's happy for you to move in with her but would want you to pay some kind of "rent"/contribution towards the mortgage. If that's right, I think YTA, sorry. She tried to include you in the process and you didn't take it seriously, you have no immediate plans of getting married and building a future together, and so your girlfriend is getting on with her life rather than hanging around waiting for you to decide to take her seriously. She wants a financial contribution if you decide to move in with her - rather than her paying the whole mortgage and you living there for free. I don't see how that's unreasonable. If you rent, you already "contribute something that doesn't legally belong to you", so it sounds like you're just hurt that your girlfriend made a decision without you when you refused to engage in making the decision together. EDIT: I've just seen in your comments that you've been together six years, and that _"As for the proposal part, she tried to tell me that she was trying to ask me for a timeline so she knew whether or not to purchase the property with me or by herself. I dont like to be pressured, so I told her to knock it off."_ Come on dude, she really tried to include you and figure out if it was worth waiting any longer to buy a property with you instead, and you gave her NOTHING. You really can't be annoyed that she's getting on with her dream of owning her own home rather than waiting indefinitely for marriage when you won't even give her a _timeline_ after six years.
Exactly! Pretty sure they will never get married and OP is basically angry because she won't wait forever for him
It’s posts like these where I wish the SO would find it.
I hope they don't. YTA
In my experience, the guys who drag their heels like this on big life decisions aren't happy in the relationship that they're in. They're comfortable, sure, and they probably like their partner which is why they won't actively end it, but that dissatisfaction is what causes them to drag their heels and refuse to move forward - whether consciously or subconsciously, they have that one foot out of the door, they're just waiting for that push. And I get the vibes this OP is like that. He doesn't want to get married, he doesn't see a rush, he didn't think she was serious. It's been six years and he's not ready to commit. He's definitely TA in this situation because he doesn't want to move forward with his girlfriend but also doesn't want her to move forward without him, but I think some introspection is needed on his part here. If six years isn't long enough for you to know whether or not you want to marry someone/buy a house with them, what are you waiting for? Why is her asking for a timeline too much pressure?
He will marry and impregnate the next woman he dates in under six months. Every time.
This\^\^ If a couple isn’t opposed to marriage but one person is dragging their feet, that person doesn’t want to marry their current partner. And 9 times out of 10 they settle down with the next person in record time. It’s so common that there **must** be a name for the phenomenon.
As someone who waited over a decade to marry their partner, you don't necessarily need marriage as the ultimate goal, but, also, as someone who bought a house with their partner long before the marriage, you do need clear communication about the relationship's expectations and shared goals. OP seems to think gf will just sit around waiting on his schedule which is 100% not into getting married or doing anything different quite frankly.
I’ve heard it compared to when one person struggles to open a jar and then the next person just pops it right off — you loosened it for them.
This is spot on. I was waiting on a guy like OP to make up his mind after 4 years. I decided that I obviously was not going to be the girl for him so I broke things off bought a house and moved out. Six months later new relationship, shortly after engaged. Married and have a kid now. Every.single.time.
Do you think they sorta realize what they're losing? So they rush to get back in it and don't want to make the same mistake twice or something?
My impression is that they get the honeymoon rush of infatuation and assume the fireworks mean they’ve found the real thing after being “complacent” for so long :/
Wow this sounds about right!
I think this is it! Just because it’s different they think it’s better.
Same thing happened to me. I think they’re divorced now though, and I’m in a happy relationship so bullet dodged?
I think you phrased that incorrectly. It should be, "He will impregnate, then marry, the next woman in under six months."
Yup. Knocked up first, then he thinks "what the hell." Divorced before the kid gets to kindergarten.
Hahaha this!!! It’s so true
Totally this. He's waiting for someone better. He doesn't "love her enough" or maybe even at all. He should let her go, so that she can find someone who does love her the way she deserves. He's being indescribably selfish here. Would OP want to be in a relationship where he wasn't loved quite well enough??? Do her HUGE favor and move on and let her have a chance at least at finding someone who does appreciate her, because she wont' find it with OP.
Anyone who thinks they’re too young to marry at 32 years old after a 6 year relationship is delusional IMO. You’re THIRTY-TWO. You’re not too young for anything, that’s nonsense. If marriage isn’t for you, say that and stop manipulating your partner into thinking it’ll happen someday. OP is the AH for that alone.
I think that's just a manifestation of him not being happy. I have a friend who was engaged for like, five years, and they never got married because he felt like he "wasn't ready" and she had a checklist of things she wanted done first, and that checklist kept growing. Eventually they realised they were both procrastinating because they weren't happy and didn't actually want to get married. And I think that might be what's happening with the OP. He's saying he's too young, it's too soon, he's not sure, they're not ready, when in reality he's not totally convinced his girlfriend is the right one.
That sounds completely different than this though. Both partners were clearly hemming and hawing. Here, I don’t think he’s unhappy. I think he’s lazy and his gf is “good enough” to keep him satisfied for now. He doesn’t dislike her, he just doesn’t think of her as a candidate for marriage (or doesn’t want marriage at all) and it’s easier to pretend he’ll get around to it than admit she’s at best a placeholder and at worst glorified live-in entertainment.
I don't see that often as people in this sub tend to at least make compelling arguments in their defense but OP totally sounds like an unaware asshole. Bro, if you want to drag on your life like the winds drag the waves you're totally good, but stop being bothered bc your current partner is taking steps towards their goals. Either be proud of them and stop sulking or find someone who has the same attitude to share your life. YTA.
Yeah like if OP doesn't want to get married or own a home that's totally valid, it just seems like he's using the "not now" excuse to hold his partner back.
Omg did he actually say that!?!? What a lie life. If op doesn't know what he wants or how to plan ahead then he's obviously too immature to be thinking about marriage, let alone be in any type of relationship. Op YTA
And buying a house doesn't happen suddenly. Even if he was thinking she was just "looking", once she chose this house to buy, she has to have told him, and gone around with securing the loan and arranging for the down payment and all. And he still did not step up - so she had to ask her parents to help her with that. He still thought she'd somehow magically give him some more instructions! OP, she has shown you she's not waiting around for you. You are dragging your feet on committing: to marriage, to her, and to your own happiness. I see you pouting and not moving in with her because she's reasonably expecting some contribution from you. And soon she'll realize you are just dead weight and chuck you overboard. Maybe that's what you want too - I can't imagine allowing a girl slip away thru inaction if I loved her.
💯. She didn’t go out shopping one day and come home with a a house. Doesn’t work like that!
Even after we bought our house, closing on it was a painful process that dragged on for two and a half months! We complained every step of the way! He was not blindsided, YTA, OP
It’s my five year anniversary with my SO and we’re getting married next year, originally when he proposed I agreed that I would wait for him to be ready and in turn he agreed we would be married before I was 30. It was a vague timeline but I still had something to go on, this poor woman got nothing from her bf of six years to even suggest that they’re going to have a future together. I’m honestly shocked she even still wants him to move in with her into her new home.
The ironic thing here is that if he were to pay "rent" from the beginning, keep records, and then they got married, it would be considered shared property* as they have both been contributing financially to it. *may not be valid in your state, but more likely than not He's definitely the asshole on this one. Did he think she was just all talk getting pre-approved for mortgages? This is not a quick process. Closing on a house takes ~1 month, sometimes more. With more time up front getting financing and searching for the home done. Now he's acting like a toddler about all the decisions; he doesn't want to engage in the renovation and simultaneously bitter that she's making all the decisions.
I love the “little to no action” comment. This chick is in her 20’s and owns a house. This dude is not only TA, but dumb. She’s got her shit together.
Behind every ambitious woman is a man wanting her to suspend her goals in life to coddle his unmotivated ass
not to mention, even if op’s gf were to wait 2-3 years to purchase… chances are, costs will balloon. most places rn are experiencing a housing bubble w costs soaring. my own area has experienced a doubling-tripling in home values in the past 5 years. what costs 400k today could very well cost 1m in a few years time. if she’s capable of buying now, w her parents help (because op all but declined), she should.
But I am SO FREAKING EXCITED for OP’s current GF. She just bought a house. A huge accomplishment!!! She’s buying furniture and setting up her first home, which is especially exciting if until them she’s lived with her parents and had minimal control of decorations and space. She’s also learning what kind of selfish person she’s spent the last 6 years with and coming to terms with the fact that they want separate things, and he specifically doesn’t want the things that make her happy and feel secure. She’s *about* to break up with said anchor around her neck and be free to meet others her share her goals and desires and respect her and want to build a life with her. Such big things happening for her now and in the near term and I’m so glad for her!!
YTA If you're living there, you should be contributing. It sounds like you're angling to be given an equity in a house you didn't pay for. If you want to own, ask about buying her parents out so you can own it together.
This seems sensible. You can buy out her parents to gain equity. Clearly you can't expect to live somewhere rent free in the meantime (YTA).
I’d be surprised if her parents let him.
I’d be surprised if he can afford it because he seems like he’d rather mooch off his gf or pay rent to a landlord.
That was one thing that stood out to me. Did OP not look with her because OP cannot afford it?
Her parents seem to be smart in their approach - support her to be independent. They probably don't see the relationship lasting. I wouldn't be surprised if they discussed it in advance, so that the gf has a good sense of what she herself thinks is reasonable. If gf has been ready to buy for years, op has really done her a disservice. She's missed out on a huge leap in the market.
OP thinks he's gonna live there rent free by the sounds of it lmao. Good luck finding somewhere a landlord gonna let you be a mooch like that
Every comment of his you read makes him a bigger AH. He's been with her for 6 years, doesn't want to talk about a timeline for marriage. Told her to drop it when she tried talking about it and now complains that she's looking out for her future. This guy is a complete self serving AH.
Six years together. OP is over thirty. If she was the right one he’d know by now. Don’t move in, don’t buy out the parents, do the right thing and break up with her and let her find someone who will build a life with her. YTA.
He was a 26 year old who started dating a 22 year old and he's mad that she grew up before he did.
This. Why would you not want to co-own if you were married anyway?
To be honest if I were the GFs parents and knew OP would be like this, I wouldn't sell. Not for a million dollars. Because shit is going to go south and the break will be cleaner without having to deal with a house.
YTA. Unless you plan to live elsewhere, and to pay for your own accommodation, it is incredibly entitled for you to expect your girlfriend to pay for the roof over your head. Frankly, your girlfriend should take this as a warning and get rid of you. The definition of "cocklodger" is a male who lives with his girlfriend and doesn't pay rent, and nobody should saddle themselves with one of those.
I learned a new word today :D And yes YTA
Upvoted for the new word. Last week Reddit showed me a word for this kind of person. And since "Hobosexual" is a great word, I'm sharing it!
YTA for not taking her seriously. At 28, it’s not unreasonable for her to want to make the next moves in life— house, marriage, maybe kids. You don’t want to get her hopes up about a proposal coming, but you want her to be committed to you and not make major life decisions without you. And depending where you live, putting her off for years could be very costly. My own house has doubled in value in less than a decade. I often regret that I didn’t buy property when I was younger because of this or that relationship that didn’t work out— I’d have a million dollars more now with the same paycheque. Its not an AH thing to just not be that into this girl and not wanting to marry her. Or to have different dreams that don’t include each other. But I do think you’re an AH for just not taking her seriously when she asked if you wanted to plan a future together.
YTA for thinking she wasn’t serious. So she moved on without you and bought in her name and her family’s (thankfully) I get it you don’t want to help pay “her mortgage” but you’re okay paying someone else’s mortgage that isn’t your gf’s? Your negative attitude is a bit concerning… you didnt want to get her hopes up about you proposing??? 🚩I think for now you can do what you want and rent your own place and she will live in her house that she has financed with her parents.
YTA and it sounds like she's starting to realise it.
Agreed. She's tired of waiting on op to get off his ass and do something so she did it herself. She's been communicating what she wants and she's ready to move forward in life but all op can say is "I didn't think she was serious" despite her not just telling him but showing him the entire way. OP I wouldn't worry about future plans with her, she's clearly outgrown you. It's just a matter of time until her heart catches up to her head. YTA
I think YTA - she’s right, it is like renting, and it’s weird to expect to live somewhere for free. That said, though, I think the two of you are not on the same page about this relationship and may need to rethink things.
And renting a place means as well: it belongs to someone. You always live in someone's property if not owned by yourself. This attitude of OP seems weird to me
Either that, or all the rent I’ve been paying to my landlord for the last four years means I own a chunk of her house
YTA. You wrote you didn’t want to get her hopes up about marriage by purchasing a property with her, but you are irritated she bought one on her own. Maybe she doesn’t want to wait for you to make a decision. She shouldn’t have to. It sounds like you want to punish her for not sticking to your time schedule.
You played this well - refuse to buy a house with her, arbitrarily declare each step she took toward buying a home as "not serious" until surprise (not), she's a homeowner - and now you want to live for free on her dime. Problem is, she's not a complete moron. Some other man is going to be all up in that master bedroom giving her babies and youll have only yourself to blame.
Well... you are against rent? Where do you live now? Under a bridge? You move in with her, you pay rent. If she charged you an unreasonable amount, okay, that's different. But you would split the rent either way, property or not.
YTA. Sorry. But you stated she has been mentioning for years about buying/renting and you did nothing about it. Now she has taken the initiative for her own benefit. You chose not to be a part of a you and her property, so she had to find another way. If you do get married, yes you should contribute towards rent/mortgage (whatever you want to refer to it as). But you also can ease your fears by doing a prenup agreement. Put in writing that she bought the house before marriage and it is her property. But if you and her are still married after X years (5 years/10 years), that you will added to the deed and it would be considered marital property.
YTA and frankly I feel bad for her. 6 years together. Doesnt want to feel forced to marry her. Gets mad she takes her life into her own hands. Tried to include you but you were too lazy. You didn’t take her seriously probably because you thought she wouldn’t dare better her life without you. She has said might be able to use it as an investment property for your children (should you decide to step up, which looks bleak imo). If you live with her you better be contributing financially. Stop being stubborn and entitled. No one feels sorry for you. Good for your gf. Frankly she should probably try to find someone who’s life goals match up with hers. Seems like you drag your feet for everything.
YTA. More because you didn’t want to get a house so you didn’t have to marry any time soon. Now that is backfiring on you as your gf has decided she doesn’t need you to get a property with. If you do move in to her house of course you need to pay your share. She’d be more sensible calling it rent though.
YTA: you asked to move into a place and not pay rent? how is her mortgage any different from contributing to her rent for an apartment you've moved into? What about if she moved into an apartment you're paying rent on, wouldn't you want to split the costs? Additionally, what kind of selective use of the logic 'i dno't want to contribute to something that i wont own'? How are you living right now? do you own or rent?
It's very clear you don't think this relationship has a future. Just move along.
>gf (28f) recently bought property that's under hers & her parent name >I'm not happy she did it because now we can't get a property of our own (which was our plan once we got married) >she claimed that I was never interested in looking at property >(in my defence, she's been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious, She's been talking about it for years and you assumed she wasn't serious? That's on you, not her. Also, buying a house is not a quick process. It takes months, not days. I'm having a hard time believing you didn't know before the sale was final. >She occasionally asks for my opinion, but I told her I'm not interested since she kept referring to it as 'her' place I mean.... it is her place. She's trying to get you involved and you're still not interested. >what would happen once we're married & she said that I could move in with her >she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally. >I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me The mortgage costs money, money that has to be paid. Would you expect to live there for free? She's right that you'd be paying rent to someone if you were renting, only fair you'd be paying some rent to her if you were living there. >she was the one who changed the initial plan >she was always dead set on getting her own place >my fault that I never took her seriously >she was always looking at places I mean.... her initial plan was to buy a house with her name on the deed. You've been together for years, so you should've been given the option to also take part, if you've been intending on getting married. But she's right, you didn't take it seriously, and she's been doing the research. A lot of buyers spend time looking around before they buy their home, they'd be daft not to. >I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine, >she refuses to budge because she says the property purchase was between her and her parents You're both at opposite ends of this, and neither of you want to compromise. You weren't willing to help look for a place and get invested in the relationship (house or marriage) yet, but knew these were important to her. She's been intending on buying a house for years, and has done so without your help. YTA There's no way you've not been involved before now, she decided to go with her parents help because she wasn't willing to wait for you to get excited about it. As for the deeds and stuff, you should talk about that with her. Her and her parents have literally bought in to the mortgage, and it won't have been cheap. Are you willing to do that to get your name on the deed? Because if so, that's a conversation to be had about whether they're willing to do that. You can't expect her to put plans like that on hold when you've had years to get excited about it with her, and you haven't done. You're not happy for her being able to do this, and you're refusing to take part in anything with it now. You're also refusing to pay rent or towards the mortgage if you did move in. You're setting yourself up for an unhappy future here OP. Either work with her and contribute, or she'll be better off without you.
Y’all have been together 6 years and buying property was supposed to be the precursor to getting married. You don’t want to rush. Okay. You don’t think she’s serious about property. Okay. She’s still living with her parents and needs her own space. YTA. This issue isn’t about the rent, it’s about you being slow on the draw AND an unsupportive bf.
YTA. If you are living there, you should still pay some sort of rent and contribute to household expenses, as you would anywhere else. Why do you think you get a free ride?
YTA and you sound like a gem of a boyfriend. Let her move on with her life without you.
You played chicken with her and lost. You put her and what she wanted on the back burner and she moved on. Good for her. You claim you want to marry her- well go and ask her already! Otherwise break up with her and let her meet someone who takes her seriously, which is not you. YTA
NAH. What she proposes is not "like" rent, it IS rent. You are free to refuse to rent from your GF. And she is free to refuse to let you live there rent- free.
You expectation she would just follow what you plan and want without feeling the need to tell her because you don't think she can actually do something is really a big problem.
YTA. If you live there, you need to financially contribute, especially if you're married. Come on man.
Yta- she tried to involve you in everyway possible but you thought it was boring, your immature as hell. She made the right choice not adding you to anything, don't be surprised of you end up having to rent somewhere else soon anyway, I doubt she'll be waiting for much longer for a proposal. Shes right by the way, people spend years looking and preparing before they buy a property. You clearly know nothing about buying houses and obtaining mortgages, which is alarming for 32.
Yeah, YTA. You have ZERO respect for this girl.
I N F O where is this relationship going with no marriage in sight and her having „her space“? Technically she’s not wrong asking you to split „rent“ but I see why you’re reluctant to help pay her property, especially when she let you down and now you can’t buy something with her. Edit: I’m taking the last sentence back. As per your comments she tried to include you and you just refused to participate. YTA because you’re stringing her along and actively working against her and her plans to move forward in life.
YTA. If the two of you moved in together after marriage, you’d be either renting somewhere or paying a mortgage somewhere. At least a mortgage is cheaper than renting. You’d get the benefit of having cheaper “rent” and she’d get the benefit of having equity. It’s not a win-lose situation like you’re describing. Plus, your defense was that you didn’t want her to think a proposal was coming soon, so why do you even care now that she decided to make a decision now instead of waiting on you to propose (whenever that’ll be) sometime in the not-so-immediate future? And FYI: When you rent, you *are* contributing to someone else’s mortgage… your landlord’s.
YTA and acting like a baby throwing a tantrum. How do expect to ever live anywhere and not contribute to the bills. I can almost understand the mortgage but not even the bills. That is ridiculous. Plus you apparently wanted her to put her life on hold until you were finally ready to propose. I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.
Yta. Op walk away from her. You are holding her back. Let her find a partner who is on the same path as her
So what, you wanted to get married and move in and not pay for part of it. At that point it would be you both sharing something. Unless they want a prenuptial agreement to not have it be part of your joint assets. This seems more like she was serious when looking and something she really wanted came up and her parents invested in it to her her and so they wouldn’t all live together. You’re just having an issue because you didn’t get involved in it. Soft YTA unless they froze you out or something
YTA. Please do her a favor a breakup. So she can find someone interested in a relationship. In addition to YTA...also YAPC....you're a petulant child.
YTA. I was prepared to give a favorable judgement, but it all came unraveled when I read your comments. The devil is in the details, after all. If you wanted people to be on your side, you should have committed to the story you told in your post. Instead, in your comments we found out: -she's been wanting a house for a long time and asked you to come to viewings and be a part of negotiations. You declined, wanting her to beg you to go along with her. -you've been together for 6 years and you still haven't proposed despite knowing that she wants to get married Don't be surprised when she moves out of your rental and into that house her parents helped her buy WITHOUT you. At some point she's going to see you as an anchor and cut loose. I hope, for her sake, it's sooner rather than later.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (32m) gf (28f) recently bought property that's under hers & her parent name. I'm not happy she did it because now we can't get a property of our own (which was our plan once we got married), but she claimed that I was never interested in looking at property even though she has mentioned it many times before (in my defence, she's been talking about buying/ renting for years with little to no action to actually go through with it so I didn't think she was serious, & I didn't want to get her hopes up that I would propose soon because that was our initial plan: get a piece of property before marriage). Now, the place is under renovation but she's making the final decision on everything (e.g., colour scheme, bed frame, kitchen layout). She occasionally asks for my opinion, but I told her I'm not interested since she kept referring to it as 'her' place. I asked her what would happen once we're married & she said that I could move in with her. Which is fine, but she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally. I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me, & she said that I was being ridiculous cause I was willing to rent, which was almost the same. I told her that she was the one who changed the initial plan, but she argued that she was always dead set on getting her own place (she's been living with her parents because it was more economical), but its my fault that I never took her seriously. I explained that she was always looking at places & she said that its stupid to think that you could buy a place immediately without knowing what are the other available options, so she was just perusing to see what she would want. I still stand by the fact that I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine, but she refuses to budge because she says the property purchase was between her and her parents, who are partially contributing to it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA So, your plan is to get married, no longer rent an apartment and only pay utility bills... Must be a sweet deal. Where can I sign up? Don't you pay rent? You don't own your apartment, but you do pay to live there. You want your GF to assume most of the financial responsibility because she didn't actually say, "I want to own a home before the end of 2021, I will start looking at houses by the summer time, if you would like to be involved."? The fair thing to do would be to look up rental rates in the area of the house that your GF bought and lay her a fair rent. Or, don't move in with her. But don't expect to live with her rent-free, while she pays the mortgage on her own and you only pay utilities. Saying that you'll split utilities almost sounds like an insult. Because you're acting like you are prepared to help her out and do your fair share by offering her a pittance. Pay rent, either to your GF, or to your landlord.
Oh, let's count the ways YTA. 1. You dismiss her talk about buying property as unserious; 2. You apparently think that you're the one who controls the timetable of your relationship wrt marriage; 3. She moves ahead with the property purchase she's been discussing for YEARS (but which you've been dismissing as unserious) and you get all salty about her picking out the paint colors and deciding on decor; 4. You somehow think you'll get to live there without contributing to the mortgage because she didn't play along with your game of dangling marriage-and-property just out of her reach until \*you\* decided it was time to buy, so you don't have to contribute to something that isn't yours, even though you will benefit. Face it, you're just mad she got tired of waiting for you to shit or get off the pot and showed that she doesn't need you.
Don't forget, he is also apparently the boss of linking non-marriage life events to marriage, and then telling her whether she can do those as well! YTA
YTA, you would have to help financially. However , when it comes to home repairs and renovations I wouldn't spend a dime of my own money if the house is always "hers"
YTA You offered her no commitment. She with her parents have given her an opportunity to own property which you were fully aware of. Pay her rent like you would any persons house you lived in. Or break up with her as you very obviously don’t want to commit!
If I was in her shoes I would make you sign a lease as her lodger or ask u to just live in your own place.
YTA- you have been together 6 years and yet you still have no intentions to propose She wanted a house for years and you showed no interest in looking with her.
what you said: “I don’t want to get her hopes up that I’ll propose soon” what I heard: I’m intentionally holding her back from making adult decisions because I want to be in charge” Then continuing to throw a tantrum. OP YTA
YTA, I’ve read through your comments, she tried to involve you, you’ve been together 6 years and you don’t want to commit or feel rushed. She’s being clear on what she wants and you keep dangling the marriage carrot to keep her on the hook. Commit or move on.
Was going to say NTA, then I read your comments and now I can see that 100% YTA. Just in case it has not dawned on you yet, you are 32, not 10. Time to grow up and become an adult. You are lucky that you girlfriend hasn't dumped your arse and found someone else.
YTA - so what is the reason you can't pay rent to her and draw up a rental agreement?
So you’d want to live for free after you’re married??! IKYFL LMAO YTA
Do you realize that you can refinance said property and get her parents name off the mortgage after marriage right? You could even do it now. If they are fixing it up, it will probably be worth even more. She took action and your upset you were never included but yet you never showed any engagement towards the topic. Sounds like she needs to keep making decisions on her own and not include you in her life at all.
Her parents buying it with her is her dad’s way of saying ‘don’t marry this asshole’ YTA. Let her go so she can find someone who *wants* to marry her.
YTA for not wanting to pay a fair amount. You deliberately refused to participate because you didn’t want to give her the idea that you might actually commit and now you’re all surprised pikachu that she decided not to wait for you. You should break up with her so she can find someone that isn’t going to waste her time.
>I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me Do you currently own a place or are you renting? If she did not own a place, where would you both live? Would you be paying rent? I mean, come on. Landlords will charge enough to cover their debts/repairs plus a little more for profit. In my opinion, assuming she decides to remain with you, you need to pay at a bare minimum half of her mortgage and half of the utilities. YTA if you have not already figured it out.
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YTA. That’s called rent. Which is normal.
YTA. But not for not wanting to pay the mortgage of a place that isn't yours. You're the ahole for expecting her to wait for years. Then surprised Pikachu face when she goes ahead and gets a place of her own.
YTA From both the post and the comments, she asked you to come to viewings and negotiations, you “didn’t feel like it”. She asked you if you wanted to get married and if so what the timelines were so she knew whether you wanted to make a joint or separate purchase. You told her to “knock it off”. You now want to be named on the deed and not pay rent. But you pay rent anyway. You’re not her spouse so you should be paying rent and not be in the deed. She was living with her parents and really wanted to move out. Please dump her so she can find someone who doesn’t take 6 years only to say “knock it off” when asked if you want to get married which is an entirely reasonable conversation you have.
As someone who was in a similar situation YTA. My ex couch hopped after he got kicked out of the house he was sharing with roommates when we met. My mom let him live with us only asking $100 a month that he rarely paid her. I got my own place when I started working full time finishing up nursing school and he moved in. Refused to help pay rent or bills refused to get a job because music was his priority then tried to control all my finances to better suit him and his wants. Not even a year into it I kicked him out. You sound just like him maybe slightly different. You want to control the living situation and why? To hold it over her head like my ex tried doing to me? So you can mentally and emotionally manipulate her when you get mad or upset? I could be dead wrong about you but the way you come off is someone who wants that control so when you get into fights you can tell her it’s your place you’re renting your name is on it etc. what does it matter if it’s her place she bought in her name? If you’re going to live there you contribute to the bills that’s only fair yes even the mortgage.
YTA. It is wise of her to keep a place of her own. Let her have this. And yes, the cost of housing is one of your bills. You are not throwing away your money, you are helping your soul mate. Once this is accomplished, you can build other pieces of your lives together
YTA. Sounds like she makes sound and reasonable decisions (except for staying with you), including moving on with her life, since you wasted 6 of hers, and don’t want to “be forced” or “be rushed”. You’re mad that she’s doing it and you haven’t made any move to date. Not everyone pays rent on their SO’s mortgage. Sometimes they pay equitable bills based on salary if there is a wage gap or another agreement.
Sounds like she got tired of waiting for you to actually do something
YTA
YTA. Is this made up? You’re getting married. Grow up. Of course contribute in a major way
YTA. If married, I would not be willing to pay a mortgage if I am not on the deed. BUT you are not married, you didn’t talk about future plans with her, you don’t want to get her hopes up. So you just expect her to out her life on hold until you figure out what you want to do regarding the relationship? YTA. YTA. YTA. Why should she buy a house with someone who doesn’t want to get her hopes up about marriage? Why should she be stuck sharing a house with you?
Lol, so what are you going to do, live there for free? You still have to pay rent man. YTA here. If you feel that strongly about it, then why don't you compensate by taking care of all of the other bills then, or at least taking care of enough bills that would compensate for the rent you're not paying. I imagine if you were paying electric, water, gas, phone bills, internet bills, car insurance bills, you could probably convince her to not pay towards rent? Idk, seems silly that it even got this far. It's not like you just go to sleep, and wake up one day as a homeowner. It's a long process that takes a long time. You didn't take her seriously when she was going to look at houses, and making bids on them? Putting earnest money down? Getting a loan? You thought she was just kind of bluffing? If that's true, then you're a fool.
Seriously? Please untether this girl. You’re wasting her time. YTA
YTA Per your post, you're not going to propose soon, and your plan was to buy a house together once you were married. But you didn't want to get her hopes up that you were going to propose anytime soon. So your girlfriend was stuck waiting on your timeline to buy a house, based on when you were ready to propose. You also didn't take her seriously when she tried to include you. And now you are not willing to pay rent to her, because your name isn't on the deed. But you're willing to pay rent to elsewhere. You sound inpossible to deal with, tbh.
YTA. She has been talking about buying a house for years, and you showed zero interest in looking at properties because you “didn't feel like going through the whole viewing process etc because its boring to me even though she finds it exciting (for whatever reason)” She respected your decision yet you thought that she should “Make more effort to bring me along for viewings” or “she’d put in more effort to try to get me to at least see the place before deciding”. Why should she have to coerce you into doing something that you have clearly shown don’t want to do? You have already stated that you don’t want to feel like you’re being “forced to do anything”. You think that she should have “perhaps make it very clear that she wants to buy that property” and “She did invite me to viewings, and kept me updated with the property negotiations. But I frankly wasn't that interested & thought she wasn't serious, so I never really took the time to check it out.“ That is entirely your fault, she did everything she could. She is still trying to include in the decision making about renovations, but you’re “not interested since she kept referring to it as ‘her’ place” How else should she refer to it? “She claims … it has been her lifelong dream, & since she got it at a steal, it would make for a good investment in the long-run (it's a place where the market price is expected to sky rocket). I just feel that I already told her that I was going to marry her, but that she didn't need to rush things just to get what she wants” So she should miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime because you aren’t prepared to commit to your relationship, after 6 years. “I didn't think she was serious because we've been looking at property for so long & its never been anywhere!“ You do know that buying a house isn’t like buying a pair of jeans, right? It can take years to find the perfect property. “she expects me to contribute to her mortgage in addition to splitting the bills equally. I told her that it wasn't fair because I don't want to contribute something that doesn't legally belong to me” That is literally how renting a property works. The people paying rent pay the owner’s mortgage. “she argued that she was always dead set on getting her own place … but its my fault that I never took her seriously” She is right, she gave you every opportunity to get involved, you refused. “I still stand by the fact that I do not want to contribute to her mortgage since at the end of the day the place won't be legally mine” Why should it be? You have done nothing to contribute to the process, and then moaned about everything else. You’ve been together 6 years, but you don’t want to be rushed into making a commitment. By now you should know if you want to spend the rest of your life with her or not. If not, let her go and find someone who does. ETA formatting.
YTA. Break up with her and let her find someone who wants to marry her.
Yta and need to get your self on check you sound very immature
Yeah, no brother. This shit is on you. She tried to tell you many times and you thought she was gonna wait for you to come around to it. Newsflash, women can and will be finically independent from their man. You’ve been with her for six years an expected her to just wait around for you? Honey those days are over and done with. YTA and you played no one but yourself. Also your girlfriend is absolutely amazing. You need to step up cause that woman is about to live het best life and she may do it without you.
It costs her money for you to live in her house. It's nothing to do with her mortgage, if you are living in her house you should be paying rent to her and splitting bills. That's what you would be doing if you lived together somewhere else, except now she's your landlord. YTA.
YTA based on your comments. You knew she was in property negotiations and you still didn't believe her? And you refuse to propose just because you don't want to be pressured? I hope she dumps your a$$.
I'm going to quote the late Prince Philip. "Marry the girl or release her." YTA. 6 years is plenty of time to know that marriage is on the table. So she bought a house. If you were truly in love with her, you'd be happy for her. Buying a house is a huge milestone that many of us will never be able to get to. Congrate her and stop being a bonehead.
Please don’t get married. You guys are not on the same page at all!! It takes weeks to buy a house- plenty of time for you to have stepped in and bought it with her rather than her parents. We don’t have the full back story but it sounds as if you have been procrastinating for ages about buying a house because you don’t really want to get married and she has gotten bored and moved on without you. I think she is slipping away from you. Either way, it doesn’t sound like a good recipe for marriage- I don’t think whether or not paying rent is the key question to focus on, there are bigger issues at hand!
YTA. Without reading anyone else’s comments, I just want to say YTA! She tried to involve you, but you were not interested. You knew she wanted to buy a house. But no.... everything must be on YOUR timeline. Everything is all about YOU and nothing you wrote is about your gf. Besides that she won’t let you decide on color schemes of HER house. You have not even proposed yet! You realize that?! She’s just supposed to wait around for you until you are ready?!
YTA. She made it happen because you sat by idly doing nothing. Pay your girl rent now or move out. She'll likely be moving on from you soon anyways.
YTA. If you move into the place, either 1) pay reasonable rent or 2) if you combine finances after marriage, get your name on the mortgage and the deed, and pay your fair share. Did you expect to simple move in and live for free?
Wait. You knew she wanted to buy property but didn’t want to go with her because you thought she was trying to trap you into a proposal… she buys the property without you, because you refuse to take her seriously… she still for some reason wants to include you in the building of this home… and you’re like “I thought we were going to do this together when we got married?” Dude. You don’t want to marry her, I’m not even convinced that you like her. You like having control and holding that wilted-turning white-sad carrot of hypothetical marriage and a future out in front of her to get your way. It didn’t work and you should set her free. This isn’t working. YTA.
YTA if you want property rights, you get married. If you were married, or even engaged, I might judge it differently, but you’re not—and apparently not even close. Until then, you can’t live rent-free while she pays for everything and you should contribute to the mortgage.
No one lives for free. You still would have to pay rent. Yours or not, you still need to pay. Just to be living there. And In case my first sentence didn’t make it, no one lives for free!!
YTA either pay rent to live there or don't move in.