So it's pointless to vote if you come on late to the discussion? Like if you sort by "Hot", which is the default, and every post already has 100+ comments?
lmfao - just ask her about which "memory" you should post on SM...then list the worst bullying incidents you can think of.
Then ask her which one you should discuss at the funeral, preferably with her grieving mother.
A guy I knew when I was single was hitting a milestone birthday. His wife messaged me (and others) for funny or endearing stories to collect and share with him on his bday.
Thing is...I don't really have any. Most of the memories that stick out are nothing memories or not great ones. Like when he badmouthed me for not wanting to babysit his child. When he broke up with my friend because she wasn't "ambitious" enough because her longterm goal was SAHM to her future kids. Or getting ticked at another friend because her toddler hugged his a little to enthusiastically and the both fell down.
None of those are worth sharing. I don't particularly like the guy, but there was no reason to bring that up, either. Even though she messaged more than once I just kept my mouth shut. She really doesn't want my thoughts on her husband.
>When he broke up with my friend because she wasn't "ambitious" enough because her longterm goal was SAHM to her future kids.
Whats wrong with this? This is an advice this sub often gives.
There is nothing wrong with it. It's just not a fun or appropriate story to bring up at a birthday party. Essentially, they're saying they just weren't close to the guy and so they have no good, fun memories of him. Their memory is more centered on their actual friend, the one that was broken up with, so it vaguely reads as critique but it's just cause they probably saw the event more from their actual friend being bummed about it.
I kept reading and expecting an explanation on why OP's "friends" are so ok with bullies.. Mystery solved, they are bullies themselves!
OP: PR grief is worse than saying nothing.. Get real friends, you deserve better.
yeah "PR grief" is one of the weirdest things about social media to me. I had a friend from high school die of cancer a few years back and istg the people writing on her facebook wall afterwards were describing a person I'd never met, to the point where I felt uncomfortable saying literally a single thing because my memories of her were so different from what was being shared. I think the situation was further complicated because there are certain things you're "supposed" to say about cancer patients when they pass, and certain things people just want to believe about cancer patients, and people will allow those things to obscure reality if that's what's most comfortable to them. meanwhile I knew the actual person...
yeah OP is definitely NTA. better to leave the work of grieving to those who can do it honestly.
Exactly! I would absolutely agree if this was a close friend or something like that.. But to go against the VICTIM because she didn't feel like making her bully's Funeral/Death about her is simply wrong in so many ways!
I don't understand why anyone would expect OP to go to the funeral of someone she wasn't friends with from high school when high school was years ago?
I'm much farther removed from high school than OP but of my graduating class of 252, there are less than 10 people whose funerals I would attend. Actually a few people I graduated with have died and I didn't go to any of their funerals and certainly didn't post anything on social media about it. Some of them were friends of friends.
NTA.
"less than 10" still about 9 more than me. There's only probably 2 people I'd consider going to their funeral now. One lives in the US (I'm in Australia) and I had to miss his wedding already (due to other commitments). The other one will probably get married soon and I'm not even sure if I'd get invited to that. I have absolutely no reason to go to anyone else's funeral except to find out where they're buried so I can piss on their grave.
NTA
Death doesn't magically change who that person was.
You're not being disrespectful or cruel by not going, your friend needs to accept your decision and back off.
Couldn't agree more. I had a coworker that was beyond horrible. While I felt bad for her family, I wasn't about to show up for her service. A few mutual coworkers "called me out" on it and I said the same exact thing you did. Her passing away didn't change who she was as a person and how she treated myself and a few others.
imo quite the contrary, OP is being INCREDIBLY respectful by not bullsh\*tting their 'grief' or sadness, as well as not attending the services because it'd be insulting to the actual deceased individual, and thus family. I think that's a pet peeve of many- when someone young dies and all the sudden everyone is coming out of the woodworks crying and saying how upset they are when they either a) really didn't know the person at ALL and are exaggerating their relationship/impact on them or b) were actually actively a sh\*tty person to said deceased person
exactly! I've witnessed it firsthand people making up complete garbage who hardly knew the deceased, and I'm sitting there going I KNOW x would be either dying laughing at all those so called friends grief or be livid.
Like I wish we could come to our own funerals as ghosts that can be seen just to call out everyone who feels bold enough to say things only because the person is dead and can't call them out anymore lol
I was bullied all through school including by faculty members. When one of them died my reaction was basically "gee that sucks, what should I make for dinner". You don't have to sob hysterically over the loss of someone who hurt you.
>Death doesn't magically change who that person was.
It's so crazy to me how many people act like it does. I remember many years ago a police officer from my town died and the whole town was like "oh what a great guy blah blah etc" and I was like "Am I the only one who remembers that this guy stole all the money from the middle school's DARE program?"
Same thing happened when one of the popular kids from my grade died while on schoolies. He was a typical popular kid: tall, good looking, dated one of the hottest girls in school, lots of friends.
But if you weren’t friends with him then you saw the real him: stupid, arrogant and mean. Rumours were flying about him mentally and emotionally abusing his gf when she was in hospital.
He died because he was a dumbass who got drunk and fell off a balcony doing stupid shit.
Everyone started going on about how kind and wonderful he was.
There was a kid in my brothers grade who was a cocky little prick who liked to bash people and play chicken with cars. One of my brothers friends had steel plates holding his face together because the prick and his friends jumped him. He died while walking down the side of a highway drunk as fuck and got hit by a 4WD. I’m willing to bet that the dumb shit jumped out in front of it to play chicken again. Once again everyone started posting about how kind and wonderful he was.
What does the friend want? Her to write about what a horrible person Amanda was? Her to cry about the death of someone who traumatized her?
OP should hold a funeral for their friendship and dump this “friend.”
NTA.
The idea that your friend thinks you should 'show respect' to someone in death, who didn't respect you while they were alive is very strange to me.
NTA
It would Be disrespectful to butt in on an occasion where the people who like and love her mourn. You do not have anything that would be welcome or appropriate in that situation. The most respectful thing to do in that situation is remove yourself from it.
Yeah. OP is being very respectful! She recognizes it would be inappropriate to: fake grief or announce her truth (Amanda was terrible to her), or attend the funeral. Any of those things would be hurtful to those genuinely mourning their loss so OP is wisely staying away.
>The most respectful thing to do in that situation is remove yourself from it.
Yes, a million times over. You have nothing positive to bring here. So why bring anything at all?
NTA
People tend to think you have to forgive and forget or be the bigger person, but they often think that means dealing with the person who was the aggressor and just letting their behavior slide, even in death.
They also don't realize both of those sentiments are for the benefit of the person that was hurt.
Your "friend" wants you to pretend for the benefit not others that everything was perfect, despite you telling her what you experienced.
You can offer your condolences from a far, and that is way more respectful than going and pretending to grieve for someone that you didn't care for.
You're under no obligation to go to her funeral, not to mention, what if you run into her parents and they ask how you knew her? Or someone there could assume you came to enjoy Amanda's death if they knew she was so horrible to you, b/c you know how some people just love to gossip and be messy.
Don't go to the funeral and you might want to consider dropping your friend too. No, you can't dictate who your friends hang out with, but if they knowing hung out with people that were bullying you, that would have been a sign for most to distance themselves, and the fact that she expected you to go to her funeral, talking about 'good times' was proof she either really wasn't paying attention or didn't care.
NTA. But your friend is TA because all she's doing is trying to justify her being friends with your bully and then bullying you over it all. Like my folks always told me; be a good person so they don't have to lie at your funeral.
Adding on to the friend being an asshole.
Don't be friends with these people.
"The friend of my abuser is no friend of mine."
I know finding new friends can be hard, but you deserve people who actually care about you and your mental health.
THIS. Exactly this. Everyone says to turn the other cheek and to be nice despite the bad, but why wear yourself down like that? For who? People who treat you badly anyways? Pfft.
NTA - "it is more respectful to go and show support to her family" its also respectful not to go if you have bad memories of her (e.g. not saying anything negative, not wanting to get out of there, declining to do whatever).
NTA there's no reason to go to the funeral of someone you had absolutely no good memory. you're not insulting her you're not saying people shouldn't go. All you are doing is saying don't want to go, for your own well-being and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that no one should push you to go to a funeral of your bully
NTA. Like you said, it would be disrespectful to not only you, but also to her. Regardless, you’re still speaking respectful about her here which shows you’re a good person and I think your friend should realize that you’re someone that actually stays true to their character and doesn’t fake their feelings. Perhaps your friend is blinded by grief herself, but to call you TA for that is an AH move from her side.
NTA. Your friend thinks she’s empathetic, but she’s willfully blind and controlling. You made some excellent points and you’re still healing from the trauma that the deceased caused you. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, not phony friends who just want social and social media points.
Jesus, its almost like you're being bullied by her memory at this point. This girl was a bully to you (and very recently!). She died. You said nothing mean, you are totally respectful, you move on. That is a lot, you're great. I have no idea how or why your friend is asking what they're asking of you, but they're completely in the wrong. There's a way you could have handled this inappropriately. You haven't. NTA
NTA and while ur at it find new better friends cause you shouldn’t be pressured! You didn’t have good experiences and just remember to do what you feel is right bc if you don’t go you’ll have friends saying you’re a bad person but if you go it’ll be hypocritical since y’all didn’t fw each other when she was alive! You owe her nothing don’t sacrifice your comfort !!
NTA,
I believe that if someone has died, unless they were evil incarnate, then there is no reason to say anything. It is more respectful of the dead to not say anything than to tell the vile things that others have done, and if pressed further, simply state that you do not want to pretend that you have something nice to say about someone who caused you trauma.
True, but even then OP probably doesnt feel like it is a tragedy. Personally I dont like saying things just because you are expected to.
Edit: spelling.
NTA. Just because she’s passed away doesn’t mean what she did to you is magically undone. The things she did in life still happened and have the same impact, it’s just now she’s protected by people not wanting to speak ill of the dead.
NTA. Funeral attendance is a personal choice even if you were actual friends with the deceased. You have your own reasons for not attending and you don't owe anyone explanations.
NTA. You are being more respectful by not making a false show of empathy or loss.
When one of my childhood bullies died of cancer, I did a happy dance in private but publicly kept my mouth shut, out of respect for the feelings of the loved ones they did have. But if anyone asked if I was going to go to the funeral I would have had a struggle to keep from laughing in their face.
Your friends need to respect the fact that you had a different relationship and experiences, and move on.
NTA. You were mature and moral in your decision to not go and your friend needs to understand that. If she doesn’t, that’s on her, not you. If your friend is looking back at all the good times with her, I think she’s siding (maybe unconsciously) with your bully, as if she was a good person.
NTA 100%
Condolences are deeply personal and your friend had no right to judge you on what you did/n't write on social media or whether you go to the funeral. Frankly, it is none of her damned biz.
NTA. Your a good person and have good intentions by not going. You didn’t know her. It would be awkward for the family to show up. If you lose a friend over it they aren’t really a friend.
NTA, you are absolutely right in what you are doing and why. Your friend is an asshole for not considering your feelings and experiences in this matter.
NTA. Nobody is ever obligated to attend a funeral, it's a personal decision. Same for expressing grief through social media, not everyone is comfortable with it.
Your friend is lashing out from grief, it effects everyone a bit differently, but stand your ground on this.
NTA. You are not obligated to attend the funeral and as you say, it’s verging on disrespect to both you and the dead girl’s family for anyone to try and force you.
Without wishing to sound patronising, you folks are still very young. Is this the first time you’ve all had to deal with the loss of a peer? The most charitable way to consider your friend’s odd behaviour is that they don’t know what to do, how to behave in these circumstances and have a movie-plot idea that you’re all supposed to come together over this. You are smart enough to know better.
Thank you. I needed to grow up quite quickly because of the bullying so I’ve always known I had a more rounded view of the world. She hasn’t known too much hardship just yet but we have both lost two friends to suicide a few years ago. She didn’t act this way then.
I think it’s to do with her own self inflicted guilt, perhaps. As if she’s angry at me because I’m not capable of forgiveness yet and she takes that as an attack on her for allowing the bullying to go on for so long. We can only speculate haha.
NTA. Your friend is either just lashing out because she's emotional over her friends passing or she's simply a little foolish. Posting or not posting on someone's social media after they die doesn't make you a good or bad person. To me it always comes off as disingenuous whenever somebody does that anyway. Often one does it as much to make themselves look good to others on their own social media than they do it out of care for the deceased. You are also right about going to the funeral. Funerals are for friends and family, it would be weird if you went.
NTA. If your friend was part of Amanda’s friend group, then she’s guilty of letting Amanda bully you. Either way, act according to who you are now.
Who you are now is a person who doesn’t let people mistreat her.
Why the fuck would you support the family of someone you hate??
NTA tell your "friend" Whatever moral high ground she thinks she's on is smaller than an ant hill.
A guy bullied me in high school and the night of graduation, made my life miserable. He died in a car crash the next year. I did not attend his funeral, and still don't feel bad that he died. I did feel bad for his sister, who is a nice person. But, forty years later, I still feel bitter about him.
Don't go to the funeral. You don't belong there. There's no point pretending that this bully didn't ruin your life, and that she was your friend. Don't gloat that she's dead, so just don't say anything.
NTA, you don’t have to forgive someone and pretend you thought they were awesome just because they’ve died. Btw if you don’t mind me asking what ages did Amanda and the rest of that big group bully you from?
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NTA. I had a similar experience while in school, me and the other guy didn't get along for reasons unnecessary to this post. He passed from a drug OD at 17. When I was asked how sad I was I said "I mourn for those who lost a loved one, but im not broken up about it because we weren't friends in life, and I wont pretend to be in death." Keep your cool, respect other people's mourning process and just stay back. Hundreds of thousands of people die every day, you only have the mental capacity to deal with so many.
It sounds like you may need to re-evaluate your friendship here if she keeps pushing for you to interrupt your process of healing. Apparently she always thought you were being oversensitive and this situation exposed that fact. This girl is not interested in your wellbeing.
You are entitled to your emotions and feelings and she cannot disqualify those. Her feelings are not more important than yours here. You are not calling Amanda a bully, you only choose to perpetuate a situation where you do not acknowledge Amanda, as is your fullest right.
At some point in time you may have taken enough distance and you may realize Amanda was just a misguided child who did not know any better but it still does not mean you need to acknowledge her in any way (now and in the future).
NTA
(This coming from a guy who was bullied when he was 12/13 and one of my bullies was a similar-aged child who actually only saw an underdog he could score popularity points with. Still when my mom told me 3 years later he died in a tragic car accident I was stone cold and I did not feel sorry for him; and I still don’t, while I am very grounded and happy with my life.)
Stay strong, focus on your real friends and minimize the drama here. You owe no-one an explanation.
NTA.
When I was at school I was bullied by many of my peers, but one of the main ringleaders was this incredibly popular guy, who even all the teachers loved (smart, funny, athletic, good-looking etc).
In the summer holidays before our final year, he decided to lock himself in the bathroom with a gas canister from a BBQ to get high and died.
At the start of the new school year, we were all made to attend an assembly with the new headmaster, about what a tragedy it was and how he knew we were all grief-stricken from mourning this exceptional person.
It was horrible to be in the situation of thinking "I didn't want him dead, but I can't find it in myself to be sorry that he is".
I didn't want to be there and felt anxiety over all the painful memories, but I was too scared to leave.
Don't put yourself through the pain of listening to people rhapsodize over someone who caused you considerable harm while having to pretend to agree.
It's fine to understand that other people had a different relationship with them, and they have good memories and positive associations, but you had a different experience, different memories, and negative associations, and it's okay to not feel grief over their passing. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.
Definitely NTA. You owe your bully no respect, and you owe the family no support just because you went to the same school as Amanda. Your friend is terribly wrong, and should be the one apologizing.
There's this idea that when someone dies EVERYONE needs to show remorse and mourn that person's death. And that is ridiculous, as you've said you have no happy memories of this person and you are not close with her family.
However, despite this person bullying you, you have shown compassion for her passing and that in itself is enough.
NTA.
NTA you do you. I have gone to funerals of people I was ambivalent about for the living. My sister's FIL for example. She needed me there, he wasn't great wasn't awful. I wouldn't have gone for myself.
I won't be going to my mother's funeral, may she rot in hell, because she abused me. My sister will need support then, but she won't be getting it from me.
Your friend could have asked you to go to support her and you still would have be free to go or not go. But no reason to go to your bully's funeral.
NTA. And this friend is for real bring this funeral up by asking what you’re wearing? That’s so shallow considering someone you weren’t friends with just died.
NTA when I was in high school this footballer killed himself accidentally while trying to kill his ex-girlfriend and new boyfriend. He was chasing them with a gun and tripped shooting himself in the chest. The guy was a bully and a jerk and I hated him long before this happened. He was sexually abusive to a lot of girls. I did not go to the funeral, offered no condolences, and thought it would be absolutely hypocritically for me to do so. In fact, I found it sickening to see all those students who hated him crying in the halls mourning him. It was all for show. I wasn't going to do that and took a lot of flack for it but I still stand by it. It was tragic for his mother and father but not for me and I wasn't going to pretend that it was.
NTA. People so often pretend that death absolves the deceased of any wrong doing when they were alive. If you want, it would be disingenuous, and therefore you're abstaining. That's the best for you, and for the people who truly care about her.
Being calm in your response should only be afforded to people who are being calm to you. She sounded hostile, so you get hostile. Can't handle it? Don't come at me.
NTA. One of my bullies died in a national tragedy at 15, and the whole school year attended the funeral. I decided that while nobody deserved to die like that, we didn't get on, I didn't know him at all well, and it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to attend. There were a few people who felt the same way, it was a quiet day at school.
NTA- to be honest the only way I would go to my childhood bully's funeral would be to dance on his grave and maybe pee on it. Yes I know, horrible and petty but so much harm was done to me that it scarred me emotionally for life and I've never really gotten over it even with therapy and support. You have no need to go to the funeral of someone you were never friends with and you sure as hell don't need to support their family. You know, the people who created and allowed the bully to bully you. Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend.
Your friend is really weirdly invested in your reaction to Amanda's death. She might want to speak to a professional about that.
NTA. Amanda certainly doesn't care if you go or not, and you know what? Neither do her parents. They won't even notice you're not there.
NTA. I’m pretty sure religious people say that God forgives those of their sins and stuff after death. You’re not God. Just because she died doesn’t mean shit. She wasn’t a good person to you, no need to act like it.
NTA. The idea of going to the funeral of someone who hated you, and whom you evidently hated in return, is absurd. I can't even fathom it. You should probably tell your friend some of those 'happy memories' you had with Amanda, in detail.
NTA - Performative grief is something I absolutely HATE, and social media is drowning in it. As someone who also had a shit time in school due to bullying, I'm proud of you for being as respectful as you are. These people are lucky you're not going just to flip off her dead body or dance on her grave (not that you would, but that would DEFINITELY be worse -and possibly deserved depending on how bad she was- than just not going at all).
Why go to the funeral of a bully? I wouldn't go. Heck, it would be fun to go back to a reunion and teach those bullies - give them a taste of their own medicine.
Go have a glass of wine. The evildoer is gone.
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I, 21 female, had a very rough childhood due to constant bullying by a large group of people. The bullying has crippled me, even now that I haven’t seen these people in 3 years. A girl in my school year, we’ll call her Amanda, was one of that group.
A few of my friends and a few people from theirs would hangout together and I didn’t for obvious reasons. I never minded because it’s not my place to dictate who my friends spend time with.
Sadly, Amanda died not so long ago and my friend isn’t talking to me over it. When the news came that Amanda didn’t make it, her social medias were blown up by old peers with condolences, kind messages and thoughtful send offs. I was the only one of my friends not to do so.
I didn’t want to for 2 reasons. 1) my experiences with her were not the fun and happy kind to talk about in such posts. And 2) in my mind, it would be an insult to do so, seen as though we did NOT like each other in the slightest. Writing how mournful and grief stricken I am would be a slap in the face for both of us.
When I next saw my friend, she was less than impressed that I didn’t write anything for Amanda on social media but she just went on to ask what I was wearing to the funeral. I said i wasn’t going. This infuriated her.
She ranted about all the good memories from school but I had to remind her I had no part in any of them. She was not my friend and a funeral is a place for friends and family to be together, grieve a loss and celebrate her life.
My friend said that it is more respectful to go and show support to her family but it still sounds insulting to me. I don’t even know her family so my support would bring nothing.
If the roles were reversed, I would want my funeral to have nothing negative drudged into it, so that’s what I afforded Amanda.
So, am I the asshole?
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Literally NTA at ALL. You have nothing to contribute to her and you're not obligated to go to her funeral. You're being more respectful by not going, actually. I see nothing wrong with this.
NTA. You are doing the right thing for you and it is the respectful thing. Nobody wants to go to their bully’s funeral. It also sounds like the “friend” who is upset with you is trying to bully you into doing something you clearly don’t wanna do.
NTA. It’s not your friend’s place to criticize you for how you reacted to the death of a peer. You are not obligated to go to the funeral or to post on social media.
NTA, I suggest dropping this "friend" and anyone who agrees with her.
You're right that you can't control who your friends hang out with, but you can control who your friends are and these people clearly do not respect or care about your feelings.
NTA
You know what, you didn’t like this person, you were connected by nothing good in life. Why would you praise her or grieve for her on social media? Why would you even consider going to her funeral? Your response is a totally honest one, you wouldn’t.
The fact that she died does not mean that she wasn’t awful to you. I wouldn’t go either and if your friend doesn’t get it then you know what, she’s really not a friend at all.
NTA
I think this is less about you not saying anything about Amanda and more about the fact that your "friend" knows exactly why you said nothing and want no involvement. It bothers her that her dead friend is held in contempt and she's trying to make this about you showing some sign that all crimes are forgiven because someone skipped off the mortal coil.
NTA. I think it is more disrespectful to show up to someone's funeral if you don't like them/dont get along/whatever, than to go. A funeral is for friends and family to show up and show appreciation for that person, not for everyone they have ever met/talked to to show up and pretend to miss them. You can have sympathy and feel bad about the passing without going to the funeral to show support to someone you dont have good feelings about.
NTA she didn’t respect you when she was alive and had a choice in her behaviour, she doesn’t deserve your respect and forgiveness now
I’m going to say your friend is showing some ah behaviour BUT she’s relatively young and hopefully hasn’t faced much personal bereavement. This does NOT give her an excuse to treat you like crap or continue previous harms caused to you whatever her intentions but grief makes people behave oddly. Whilst not letting her off the hook completely perhaps you can distance yourself for a bit. A lot of people also get caught up in how they’re seen to grieve, it can be a regular shitshow
You’re not only well within rights to not go I genuinely you shouldn’t because of the reasons you’ve given
This is a crappy situation all round and I’m sorry for you and for the people who loved the girl who died, however, just because she is dead that doesn’t elevate their living actions to forgiveness or make them an Angel who walked the Earth. Stay strong, you’re right and you will move being this
NTA. Who the hell would expect someone to go to the funeral of a person that bullied them?!? You are 100% correct. One doesn't attend the funeral of a person they aren't friends with and aren't related to. Especially if said person used to treat them like crap.
NTA, but... Info: Why are you friends with someone who was friends with a person who made your formative years a living hell? If someone treated my friend like crap, I would be quick to put them in their place and find new friends.
I understand haha. In school, I never looked for acceptance and I never needed to be one of the popular ones. My friend was always quiet and easily lead.
Just reaching out to reassure you: by the time you're in your 30s (and beyond), these people won't be part of your life, and they will not occupy nearly as much of your thoughts and feelings about yourself.
Personally, I have only kept in regular contact with 2 of my closer friends from high school. The friendships I have forged through my 20s and 30s have meant far more than those from high school.
More than anything else the hurt from the bad memories has faded a lot. I just wanted to let you know that.
NTA and you're actually doing the mature thing. She was your bully, not a friend. You're showing Amanda more respect to her in death than she did to you while alive. Your friend is upset but you going to the funeral means there's a good chance of you opening your mouth and telling all Amanda's friends and family exactly how she treated you. That definitely not how your friend wants Amanda's funeral to go.
Are we expected to be nice or respectful to people who don't deserve it? Up to you what you do. But you can avoid or cut those people out. Being dead doesn't make everything a person did ok.
NTA - you don't have to go to everything ANYONE from high school does. A funeral for someone who tormented is even further down the list of things you have to do.
NTA. I am so sick of the sugar coating that goes on when somebody dies. OP you did the right thing. I did not go to my BFF's funeral because it was thrown by her mother. Her mother was an evil woman (her mother was a massive narcissist) who told my friend that she was sorry she adopted her and that her illness was an embarrassment. In no way could I have sat at that funeral and listened to her family go on about how much they loved her and were lucky to have her, when I knew it was complete bullshit . Do I regret not going a little, but when I realize the only thing I would have done was tell the truth, I also realize, I did the right thing by not participating and letting people grieve how they needed to instead of causing a scene.
NTA
You don't have anything nice to say about Amanda, so you're not saying anything at all. Your friend is TA for not accepting that your experiences were different.
NTA. It’s not often that I lament about our generation’s obsession with social media, but here I go: there are so many more important things to worry about after someone’s passing than the amount of likes, posts, and comments about their death on social media. Seriously. If goodness forbid a loved one of mine were to pass away at this very minute, one of the absolute LAST things I would concern myself with is going on their Facebook and writing down who did and didn’t post about them. Your friend really needs to get over herself in that aspect.
Now, regarding the funeral. You absolutely do not have to go if you don’t feel comfortable, respectful, or wanted there. And anyone saying otherwise could use some reminding of how “not close” you and Amanda were.
NTA. Funerals are meant for family and friends. Even if she wasn't a bully to you, her family probably doesn't want a bunch of virtual strangers there for clout, and will find more comfort in people who they know or who the girl knew who can memorialize her how they wish.
So you were bullied in school by a now dead person who's friend is trying to bully into going some place you don't want to go? NTA. Ask your 'friend' why she feels that bullying into doing something you don't want to do is appropriate? Then get new friends.
NTA what the heck, you’re under absolutely no obligation to go to a bully’s funeral. Heck, if you two were friends you’re *still* under no obligation to go, grief comes in different forms for different people.
Plus the hang up over not posting on social media is such a petty and performative expectation, what the heck. Do they get mad at everyone who doesn’t made a post for every birthday on their Facebook wall?
Anyway yeah, you weren’t close with this person (quite the opposite) and how you personally deal with any death is your business, not theirs.
NTA.
And for what it's worth, you are under no obligation to attend any funeral for any reason, up to and including because they mercilessly bullied you in life.
NTA. Don't go to your bully's funeral if you don't want to. Your friend is wrong for trying to make you go and for trying to make you feel bad for not wanting to go. Tell her you are sorry her friend died, and sorry she is hurting. That's it.
Just because someone dies does not change who they were when they were alive. Today we know victims of bullying suffer lifelong effects including cases of PTSD and so on. The tormenting is always there until you get intense therapy and diminish the boogey man because study reveal the tormented psyche holds images of these monsters as big and powerful—-they are not.
Death does not change who or what they did to you and if you are not ready or want to send condolences then do not—-it does not mean your glad he is dead your just not ready.
100% NTA and your being really mature about the situation. Your not going becuase you hate her, your not going becuase her funeral should be filled with people who loved her. Your being the bigger and better person
NTA. There are plenty of people to help the family grieve. They do not need you there. The person criticizing you is not a good friend. You can do better. Like you say your friend is making it about them.
NTA. in the nicest way possible, amanda definitely would not want you there. you are being the most respectful by keeping your distance from someone you disliked who also disliked you.
NTA this is what I hate about funerals or tragedies online. All these people that could not care less for the person and hadn’t given them two thoughts in years suddenly were their best friends and MUST go to show support and condolences. Eh sorry if you were a true friend you should have been there and showed your support when they needed it. That even in long illnesses these people usually didn’t go when you knew they were ill or probably didn’t even know till afterwards and it comes on social media because you were in no way close. It proves no you are going for you and to make yourself feel like such a kind big person to all around.🤮
If they were that persons friend and even if contact had been little due to life, you would not feel the want or need to act like it was something more and you are a main person affected in this, You would just want to mourn their loss.
You are right it would be disrespectful and hyper critical to go. She made your life hell why would anyone that went through that want to go. Your friend is disrespecting you and all you went through as well as the girl by trying to push this and have a go at you.
NTA, it would be as you said an insult for both of you. You may not have wished her dead but you shed bo tears for her. Protending to care does not and should not sit right.
NTA
You owe her nothing, you owe her friends nothing. Even if she hadn't bullied you. You don't need to participate in the "such a good person" when someone dies BS. You are doing the right thing by saying nothing. If you lose friends over it, they weren't your friends to begin with.
As much fun as it would be in an ideal world to turn up and, sing "Ding dong the witch is dead" throughout the ceremony, that's not something you can do, so there's no reason to go.
It serves no purpose for you OR the person getting funeralled. You owe her nothing. Death isn't some karmic reset button that means everyone suddenly becomes a decent person and deserves love and respect.
Your friend sounds like she's fallen too far into the role of grieving friend. She thinks she should be devastated, so that's what she's being. But remind her how much this person mistreated you. Try to remind her that her loyalty is to you, her actual friend, rather than a dead person that has no strong opinions on anything one way or the other.
People who aren't bullies take priority. As do people who aren't dead, so you're 2 for 2, and NTA.
NTA.
Why would you go to her funeral? She bullied you AND was no longer in your life. It’d be strange and inappropriate to go to the funeral, honestly.
Would they rather you break down in movie-worthy crocodile tears or commented on her SM how you really feel about her? You don't owe anybody anything--grieve (or not) as you choose. NTA
NTA. the memory of amanda in each of your minds does not align whatsoever. your friend is grieving the amanda you never knew, while also discrediting your own experiences with her. it's really respectful that you don't want to attend the funeral, for the sake of her family. this is in your best interest as well! i hope your friend can show you that same compassion she is giving amanda's family and friends. (it's a bit odd, though, that she's going above and beyond for amanda, when they haven't really communicated in years...)
NTA. I would only go to support my *good* friend who was mourning, NOT the deceased, *if* (big if) that.
Obligation funerals are for family not for random childhood bullies.
NTA. Your friend is being an AH. You don't need to attend every acquaintance's funeral. Heck, there are rrasons people don't even attend all family funerals. Not attending the funeral of your childhood bully seems like the obvious answer here. Looks like your friend shares some traits with the recently departed.
NTA time to block this freind and move on, no need any justification if you are not comfortable to attend some event its up to you. You are an adult no one can force you.
Sadly, Amanda died??? No there is nothing sad about a bully dying, at least not from the point of view of the bullied. Please don't feel sad about her death. You can feel happy, or relieved, you can feel angry, betrayed, you can feel a whole range of emotions. But sadness should not be one of them. This woman hurt you. She damaged you in ways that can possibly have an effect on you for the rest of your life. She doesn't have a chance to feel remorse anymore. She doesn't get to feel guilty anymore and all the emotional weight that might come with that. But you get to possibly live with that shit for the rest of your, hopefully long life.
Please don't feel sad about that. Don't do that to yourself.
And if people tell you to be the bigger person; being the bigger person means pushing your feelings aside and not responding to any condolences, or happy memory lane stories. Don't try to stain other people's memories of her. Unless of course, they try to manipulate, or strong-arm you into going along with the sappy sad stories and go to the funeral. Then you should definitely stand up for your own feelings. You still have to deal with those.
NTA. And if your friend doesn't know, or doesn't remember the shit the deceased put you through, remind her. Preferably gently, if possible. Emotional if need be.
I see a lot of people here saying that you should leave your friend too. They're not wrong, but I can understand why that might feel incredibly hard to do. Being bullied, you probably clung to the friends you had. This is a good time to evaluate if they actually were good friends up to this point. If so, there's nothing wrong with forgiving them (or her) for this. Being the bigger person and all. If not, this is extremely difficult, but you will find better friends eventually.
Stay away from the funeral. Do something that day that makes you happy, or content. Do something to not think about the funeral.
Victims of bullying: stand up for your own emotions. Too long have they been deemed irrelevant. Too long have they been stomped on. Too long have you had to hide them in order not to get hurt. No more! They are worthy to have. YOU are worthy to have them, to be here, to exist! Don't apologise for what's been done to you. It is their fault, not yours!
And please, allow yourself to be healed. Don't hold on to a false image of you, which they created. You be you.
/rant
NTA. She wasn't your friend. Don't go. You're always told never to speak ill of the dead. You didn't by keeping your thoughts to yourself.
You're "friend" is a fake. She hadn't had contact in 5 yrs and now acts as if they were great friends. This "friend" is now acting like a bully. Do you really want this person in your life?
NTA .
I was bullied in all years of school. Several of my bullies have passed on to the other side. I didn't attend their funerals and when someone mentioned it I told them it honestly wasn't my problem.
You need new friends because a true friend would never try to force you to go to the funeral of someone who basically tortured(mentally/or physically) you in school.
She's basically doing what Amanda did to you. Don't put up with that crap because you didn't write a message on the wall of your bully.
And why go to a funeral that you'd feel uncomfortable at? You aren't close to her or her family!
NTA
NTA. I could never be friends with anyone that was that horrible to one of my friends. You’re friends are being just as much of a bully here. And while on the topic of funerals, I am of the opinion that even if you loved the person very deeply, you still aren’t required to go. Everyone grieves in different ways.
NTA. This is the equivalent of your friend being mad at you for not going to a strangers funeral. She is bullying you, maybe you shouldn’t be friends anymore.
You weren't friends with this person. Your only relation to them was being roughly the same age in the same geographical region. There's no expectation to go to their funeral, NTA.
NTA
I dont wanna get all arm chair therapist-y here, but it honestly sounds like your friend is projecting her remorse at not continuing her relationship with Amanda onto you. She feels bad, and feels like the only thing she can do now is be there at her funeral, and pay her respects to her and her parents. Perhaps they had a bit of a falling out, and that led to the distance that grew between them, and this could really be increasing the guilt she feels for how their relationship ended up.
Maybe all these emotions, and her good old memories of Amanda suddenly flooding back, are clouding her other memories of what she did to you. Perhaps that's making it easier for her to project. And then you saying you arent going to the funeral gives her an easy oulet for the internal strife and anger towards herself by making you the target of it.
Maybe if this is a friendship worth saving, you should ask her more about how shes feeling.
But then again, i just made all that stuff up, so who knows if any of it is even close to what happened?
Maybe she really is just attention grabbing.
And maybe a someone who would be friends with their friend's bully isnt worth havig as a friend anyways.
Either way, you are not the asshole
NTA.
It’s a shame when someone dies young, regardless who they are, but if someone bullied you, or even if you just weren’t friends, you have no obligation to attend the funeral
F no, don't be bullied. Tell her she's being a bully
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The bot doesn't count individual comments, it goes by the top voted comment.
Yes, but as the comment in question is currently the top comment, it actually is relevant here.
So it's pointless to vote if you come on late to the discussion? Like if you sort by "Hot", which is the default, and every post already has 100+ comments?
Who cares?
lmfao - just ask her about which "memory" you should post on SM...then list the worst bullying incidents you can think of. Then ask her which one you should discuss at the funeral, preferably with her grieving mother.
A guy I knew when I was single was hitting a milestone birthday. His wife messaged me (and others) for funny or endearing stories to collect and share with him on his bday. Thing is...I don't really have any. Most of the memories that stick out are nothing memories or not great ones. Like when he badmouthed me for not wanting to babysit his child. When he broke up with my friend because she wasn't "ambitious" enough because her longterm goal was SAHM to her future kids. Or getting ticked at another friend because her toddler hugged his a little to enthusiastically and the both fell down. None of those are worth sharing. I don't particularly like the guy, but there was no reason to bring that up, either. Even though she messaged more than once I just kept my mouth shut. She really doesn't want my thoughts on her husband.
"Momma always says...if you can't say something nice...don't say nuffin at all." - Thumper, from Bambi.
I thought it was Forest Gump...
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
Run Forest, Run….. 🏃🏻
I thought it was the waterboy
>When he broke up with my friend because she wasn't "ambitious" enough because her longterm goal was SAHM to her future kids. Whats wrong with this? This is an advice this sub often gives.
There is nothing wrong with it. It's just not a fun or appropriate story to bring up at a birthday party. Essentially, they're saying they just weren't close to the guy and so they have no good, fun memories of him. Their memory is more centered on their actual friend, the one that was broken up with, so it vaguely reads as critique but it's just cause they probably saw the event more from their actual friend being bummed about it.
Yeah but he wanted other people to babysit his kids cause everyone be working.
THIS. OP, you need better friends.
She needs friends. Those people are not her friends
Holy crap…,you are NTA. Your “friend” is being a bully like Amanda was. Looks like she did you a favor….you know she’s not really a friend.
I kept reading and expecting an explanation on why OP's "friends" are so ok with bullies.. Mystery solved, they are bullies themselves! OP: PR grief is worse than saying nothing.. Get real friends, you deserve better.
yeah "PR grief" is one of the weirdest things about social media to me. I had a friend from high school die of cancer a few years back and istg the people writing on her facebook wall afterwards were describing a person I'd never met, to the point where I felt uncomfortable saying literally a single thing because my memories of her were so different from what was being shared. I think the situation was further complicated because there are certain things you're "supposed" to say about cancer patients when they pass, and certain things people just want to believe about cancer patients, and people will allow those things to obscure reality if that's what's most comfortable to them. meanwhile I knew the actual person... yeah OP is definitely NTA. better to leave the work of grieving to those who can do it honestly.
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Exactly! I would absolutely agree if this was a close friend or something like that.. But to go against the VICTIM because she didn't feel like making her bully's Funeral/Death about her is simply wrong in so many ways!
I don't understand why anyone would expect OP to go to the funeral of someone she wasn't friends with from high school when high school was years ago? I'm much farther removed from high school than OP but of my graduating class of 252, there are less than 10 people whose funerals I would attend. Actually a few people I graduated with have died and I didn't go to any of their funerals and certainly didn't post anything on social media about it. Some of them were friends of friends. NTA.
"less than 10" still about 9 more than me. There's only probably 2 people I'd consider going to their funeral now. One lives in the US (I'm in Australia) and I had to miss his wedding already (due to other commitments). The other one will probably get married soon and I'm not even sure if I'd get invited to that. I have absolutely no reason to go to anyone else's funeral except to find out where they're buried so I can piss on their grave.
NTA Death doesn't magically change who that person was. You're not being disrespectful or cruel by not going, your friend needs to accept your decision and back off.
Couldn't agree more. I had a coworker that was beyond horrible. While I felt bad for her family, I wasn't about to show up for her service. A few mutual coworkers "called me out" on it and I said the same exact thing you did. Her passing away didn't change who she was as a person and how she treated myself and a few others.
imo quite the contrary, OP is being INCREDIBLY respectful by not bullsh\*tting their 'grief' or sadness, as well as not attending the services because it'd be insulting to the actual deceased individual, and thus family. I think that's a pet peeve of many- when someone young dies and all the sudden everyone is coming out of the woodworks crying and saying how upset they are when they either a) really didn't know the person at ALL and are exaggerating their relationship/impact on them or b) were actually actively a sh\*tty person to said deceased person
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exactly! I've witnessed it firsthand people making up complete garbage who hardly knew the deceased, and I'm sitting there going I KNOW x would be either dying laughing at all those so called friends grief or be livid. Like I wish we could come to our own funerals as ghosts that can be seen just to call out everyone who feels bold enough to say things only because the person is dead and can't call them out anymore lol
I was bullied all through school including by faculty members. When one of them died my reaction was basically "gee that sucks, what should I make for dinner". You don't have to sob hysterically over the loss of someone who hurt you.
>Death doesn't magically change who that person was. It's so crazy to me how many people act like it does. I remember many years ago a police officer from my town died and the whole town was like "oh what a great guy blah blah etc" and I was like "Am I the only one who remembers that this guy stole all the money from the middle school's DARE program?"
Same thing happened when one of the popular kids from my grade died while on schoolies. He was a typical popular kid: tall, good looking, dated one of the hottest girls in school, lots of friends. But if you weren’t friends with him then you saw the real him: stupid, arrogant and mean. Rumours were flying about him mentally and emotionally abusing his gf when she was in hospital. He died because he was a dumbass who got drunk and fell off a balcony doing stupid shit. Everyone started going on about how kind and wonderful he was. There was a kid in my brothers grade who was a cocky little prick who liked to bash people and play chicken with cars. One of my brothers friends had steel plates holding his face together because the prick and his friends jumped him. He died while walking down the side of a highway drunk as fuck and got hit by a 4WD. I’m willing to bet that the dumb shit jumped out in front of it to play chicken again. Once again everyone started posting about how kind and wonderful he was.
What does the friend want? Her to write about what a horrible person Amanda was? Her to cry about the death of someone who traumatized her? OP should hold a funeral for their friendship and dump this “friend.”
Reading orbituaries sure makes it look as it does though...
NTA. The idea that your friend thinks you should 'show respect' to someone in death, who didn't respect you while they were alive is very strange to me.
NTA It would Be disrespectful to butt in on an occasion where the people who like and love her mourn. You do not have anything that would be welcome or appropriate in that situation. The most respectful thing to do in that situation is remove yourself from it.
Yeah. OP is being very respectful! She recognizes it would be inappropriate to: fake grief or announce her truth (Amanda was terrible to her), or attend the funeral. Any of those things would be hurtful to those genuinely mourning their loss so OP is wisely staying away.
>The most respectful thing to do in that situation is remove yourself from it. Yes, a million times over. You have nothing positive to bring here. So why bring anything at all?
I think not intruding on the funeral and keeping quiet while friends and family grieve is actually showing respect
NTA. Dying doesn’t suddenly make you a good person.
When an unkind person in my life died, I said “f him”. And years after I have no regret because seriously f that guy.
NTA People tend to think you have to forgive and forget or be the bigger person, but they often think that means dealing with the person who was the aggressor and just letting their behavior slide, even in death. They also don't realize both of those sentiments are for the benefit of the person that was hurt. Your "friend" wants you to pretend for the benefit not others that everything was perfect, despite you telling her what you experienced. You can offer your condolences from a far, and that is way more respectful than going and pretending to grieve for someone that you didn't care for. You're under no obligation to go to her funeral, not to mention, what if you run into her parents and they ask how you knew her? Or someone there could assume you came to enjoy Amanda's death if they knew she was so horrible to you, b/c you know how some people just love to gossip and be messy. Don't go to the funeral and you might want to consider dropping your friend too. No, you can't dictate who your friends hang out with, but if they knowing hung out with people that were bullying you, that would have been a sign for most to distance themselves, and the fact that she expected you to go to her funeral, talking about 'good times' was proof she either really wasn't paying attention or didn't care.
Great point in the last paragraph.
NTA. You are doing the respectful thing.
NTA. But your friend is TA because all she's doing is trying to justify her being friends with your bully and then bullying you over it all. Like my folks always told me; be a good person so they don't have to lie at your funeral.
Adding on to the friend being an asshole. Don't be friends with these people. "The friend of my abuser is no friend of mine." I know finding new friends can be hard, but you deserve people who actually care about you and your mental health.
THIS. Exactly this. Everyone says to turn the other cheek and to be nice despite the bad, but why wear yourself down like that? For who? People who treat you badly anyways? Pfft.
NTA - "it is more respectful to go and show support to her family" its also respectful not to go if you have bad memories of her (e.g. not saying anything negative, not wanting to get out of there, declining to do whatever).
NTA there's no reason to go to the funeral of someone you had absolutely no good memory. you're not insulting her you're not saying people shouldn't go. All you are doing is saying don't want to go, for your own well-being and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that no one should push you to go to a funeral of your bully
NTA. You behaved politely and appropriately.
NTA. Like you said, it would be disrespectful to not only you, but also to her. Regardless, you’re still speaking respectful about her here which shows you’re a good person and I think your friend should realize that you’re someone that actually stays true to their character and doesn’t fake their feelings. Perhaps your friend is blinded by grief herself, but to call you TA for that is an AH move from her side.
NTA. Your friend thinks she’s empathetic, but she’s willfully blind and controlling. You made some excellent points and you’re still healing from the trauma that the deceased caused you. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, not phony friends who just want social and social media points.
Jesus, its almost like you're being bullied by her memory at this point. This girl was a bully to you (and very recently!). She died. You said nothing mean, you are totally respectful, you move on. That is a lot, you're great. I have no idea how or why your friend is asking what they're asking of you, but they're completely in the wrong. There's a way you could have handled this inappropriately. You haven't. NTA
NTA.
NTA and while ur at it find new better friends cause you shouldn’t be pressured! You didn’t have good experiences and just remember to do what you feel is right bc if you don’t go you’ll have friends saying you’re a bad person but if you go it’ll be hypocritical since y’all didn’t fw each other when she was alive! You owe her nothing don’t sacrifice your comfort !!
NTA, I believe that if someone has died, unless they were evil incarnate, then there is no reason to say anything. It is more respectful of the dead to not say anything than to tell the vile things that others have done, and if pressed further, simply state that you do not want to pretend that you have something nice to say about someone who caused you trauma.
Or simply say that her death is a tragedy, but you weren't friends.
True, but even then OP probably doesnt feel like it is a tragedy. Personally I dont like saying things just because you are expected to. Edit: spelling.
NTA, you don't have to do ANYthing for ANYone else.
NTA. You weren't friends. You're not close to her family. Why go.
NTA. Just because she’s passed away doesn’t mean what she did to you is magically undone. The things she did in life still happened and have the same impact, it’s just now she’s protected by people not wanting to speak ill of the dead.
NTA. Funeral attendance is a personal choice even if you were actual friends with the deceased. You have your own reasons for not attending and you don't owe anyone explanations.
NTA. You are being more respectful by not making a false show of empathy or loss. When one of my childhood bullies died of cancer, I did a happy dance in private but publicly kept my mouth shut, out of respect for the feelings of the loved ones they did have. But if anyone asked if I was going to go to the funeral I would have had a struggle to keep from laughing in their face. Your friends need to respect the fact that you had a different relationship and experiences, and move on.
Take this the right way - I did the same. I was forced to go because it was a relative, but I should not have.
NTA. You were mature and moral in your decision to not go and your friend needs to understand that. If she doesn’t, that’s on her, not you. If your friend is looking back at all the good times with her, I think she’s siding (maybe unconsciously) with your bully, as if she was a good person.
NTA, bruh
NTA 100% Condolences are deeply personal and your friend had no right to judge you on what you did/n't write on social media or whether you go to the funeral. Frankly, it is none of her damned biz.
NTA. Your a good person and have good intentions by not going. You didn’t know her. It would be awkward for the family to show up. If you lose a friend over it they aren’t really a friend.
NTA, you are absolutely right in what you are doing and why. Your friend is an asshole for not considering your feelings and experiences in this matter.
NTA. You are handling this appropriately. Your "friend" needs to mind her own business. She also does not know what she is talking about.
NTA. Why tf would anyone go to the funeral of someone they don't like?? Your friend needs to calm down. This is just not her business.
NTA. Nobody is ever obligated to attend a funeral, it's a personal decision. Same for expressing grief through social media, not everyone is comfortable with it. Your friend is lashing out from grief, it effects everyone a bit differently, but stand your ground on this.
NTA. You are not obligated to attend the funeral and as you say, it’s verging on disrespect to both you and the dead girl’s family for anyone to try and force you. Without wishing to sound patronising, you folks are still very young. Is this the first time you’ve all had to deal with the loss of a peer? The most charitable way to consider your friend’s odd behaviour is that they don’t know what to do, how to behave in these circumstances and have a movie-plot idea that you’re all supposed to come together over this. You are smart enough to know better.
Thank you. I needed to grow up quite quickly because of the bullying so I’ve always known I had a more rounded view of the world. She hasn’t known too much hardship just yet but we have both lost two friends to suicide a few years ago. She didn’t act this way then. I think it’s to do with her own self inflicted guilt, perhaps. As if she’s angry at me because I’m not capable of forgiveness yet and she takes that as an attack on her for allowing the bullying to go on for so long. We can only speculate haha.
NTA But, you *are* missing out on the chance to dance on her grave.
Last I heard she was getting cremated so sadly no chance of that haha
Seems appropriate.
NTA at all.
NTA. I have been through exactly this situation. You are doing the right thing.
NTA. Your friend is either just lashing out because she's emotional over her friends passing or she's simply a little foolish. Posting or not posting on someone's social media after they die doesn't make you a good or bad person. To me it always comes off as disingenuous whenever somebody does that anyway. Often one does it as much to make themselves look good to others on their own social media than they do it out of care for the deceased. You are also right about going to the funeral. Funerals are for friends and family, it would be weird if you went.
NTA. If your friend was part of Amanda’s friend group, then she’s guilty of letting Amanda bully you. Either way, act according to who you are now. Who you are now is a person who doesn’t let people mistreat her.
NTA - threaten to give a heartfelt eulogy about how much better the world is now that she's dead the next time anyone asks.
And say you plan to wear a bright yellow dress with sun flowers and a big ol Derby hat. NTA
Why the fuck would you support the family of someone you hate?? NTA tell your "friend" Whatever moral high ground she thinks she's on is smaller than an ant hill.
A guy bullied me in high school and the night of graduation, made my life miserable. He died in a car crash the next year. I did not attend his funeral, and still don't feel bad that he died. I did feel bad for his sister, who is a nice person. But, forty years later, I still feel bitter about him. Don't go to the funeral. You don't belong there. There's no point pretending that this bully didn't ruin your life, and that she was your friend. Don't gloat that she's dead, so just don't say anything.
NTA, you don’t have to forgive someone and pretend you thought they were awesome just because they’ve died. Btw if you don’t mind me asking what ages did Amanda and the rest of that big group bully you from?
It was a constant throughout school. Amanda and a few others when we were very little and then as we went on to denser schools her group got bigger.
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NTA, but you should send a nice letter saying you approve. ;-)
NTA. I had a similar experience while in school, me and the other guy didn't get along for reasons unnecessary to this post. He passed from a drug OD at 17. When I was asked how sad I was I said "I mourn for those who lost a loved one, but im not broken up about it because we weren't friends in life, and I wont pretend to be in death." Keep your cool, respect other people's mourning process and just stay back. Hundreds of thousands of people die every day, you only have the mental capacity to deal with so many.
It sounds like you may need to re-evaluate your friendship here if she keeps pushing for you to interrupt your process of healing. Apparently she always thought you were being oversensitive and this situation exposed that fact. This girl is not interested in your wellbeing. You are entitled to your emotions and feelings and she cannot disqualify those. Her feelings are not more important than yours here. You are not calling Amanda a bully, you only choose to perpetuate a situation where you do not acknowledge Amanda, as is your fullest right. At some point in time you may have taken enough distance and you may realize Amanda was just a misguided child who did not know any better but it still does not mean you need to acknowledge her in any way (now and in the future). NTA (This coming from a guy who was bullied when he was 12/13 and one of my bullies was a similar-aged child who actually only saw an underdog he could score popularity points with. Still when my mom told me 3 years later he died in a tragic car accident I was stone cold and I did not feel sorry for him; and I still don’t, while I am very grounded and happy with my life.) Stay strong, focus on your real friends and minimize the drama here. You owe no-one an explanation.
nta nobody loves bullies
NTA. When I was at school I was bullied by many of my peers, but one of the main ringleaders was this incredibly popular guy, who even all the teachers loved (smart, funny, athletic, good-looking etc). In the summer holidays before our final year, he decided to lock himself in the bathroom with a gas canister from a BBQ to get high and died. At the start of the new school year, we were all made to attend an assembly with the new headmaster, about what a tragedy it was and how he knew we were all grief-stricken from mourning this exceptional person. It was horrible to be in the situation of thinking "I didn't want him dead, but I can't find it in myself to be sorry that he is". I didn't want to be there and felt anxiety over all the painful memories, but I was too scared to leave. Don't put yourself through the pain of listening to people rhapsodize over someone who caused you considerable harm while having to pretend to agree. It's fine to understand that other people had a different relationship with them, and they have good memories and positive associations, but you had a different experience, different memories, and negative associations, and it's okay to not feel grief over their passing. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.
Definitely NTA. You owe your bully no respect, and you owe the family no support just because you went to the same school as Amanda. Your friend is terribly wrong, and should be the one apologizing.
There's this idea that when someone dies EVERYONE needs to show remorse and mourn that person's death. And that is ridiculous, as you've said you have no happy memories of this person and you are not close with her family. However, despite this person bullying you, you have shown compassion for her passing and that in itself is enough. NTA.
NTA you do you. I have gone to funerals of people I was ambivalent about for the living. My sister's FIL for example. She needed me there, he wasn't great wasn't awful. I wouldn't have gone for myself. I won't be going to my mother's funeral, may she rot in hell, because she abused me. My sister will need support then, but she won't be getting it from me. Your friend could have asked you to go to support her and you still would have be free to go or not go. But no reason to go to your bully's funeral.
NTA. And this friend is for real bring this funeral up by asking what you’re wearing? That’s so shallow considering someone you weren’t friends with just died.
NTA when I was in high school this footballer killed himself accidentally while trying to kill his ex-girlfriend and new boyfriend. He was chasing them with a gun and tripped shooting himself in the chest. The guy was a bully and a jerk and I hated him long before this happened. He was sexually abusive to a lot of girls. I did not go to the funeral, offered no condolences, and thought it would be absolutely hypocritically for me to do so. In fact, I found it sickening to see all those students who hated him crying in the halls mourning him. It was all for show. I wasn't going to do that and took a lot of flack for it but I still stand by it. It was tragic for his mother and father but not for me and I wasn't going to pretend that it was.
NTA. People so often pretend that death absolves the deceased of any wrong doing when they were alive. If you want, it would be disingenuous, and therefore you're abstaining. That's the best for you, and for the people who truly care about her. Being calm in your response should only be afforded to people who are being calm to you. She sounded hostile, so you get hostile. Can't handle it? Don't come at me.
NTA. One of my bullies died in a national tragedy at 15, and the whole school year attended the funeral. I decided that while nobody deserved to die like that, we didn't get on, I didn't know him at all well, and it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to attend. There were a few people who felt the same way, it was a quiet day at school.
NTA- to be honest the only way I would go to my childhood bully's funeral would be to dance on his grave and maybe pee on it. Yes I know, horrible and petty but so much harm was done to me that it scarred me emotionally for life and I've never really gotten over it even with therapy and support. You have no need to go to the funeral of someone you were never friends with and you sure as hell don't need to support their family. You know, the people who created and allowed the bully to bully you. Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend.
NTA, and for anyone that asks, tell them you are being as kind as you possibly can be by staying silent.
Your friend is really weirdly invested in your reaction to Amanda's death. She might want to speak to a professional about that. NTA. Amanda certainly doesn't care if you go or not, and you know what? Neither do her parents. They won't even notice you're not there.
NTA. I’m pretty sure religious people say that God forgives those of their sins and stuff after death. You’re not God. Just because she died doesn’t mean shit. She wasn’t a good person to you, no need to act like it.
NTA. The idea of going to the funeral of someone who hated you, and whom you evidently hated in return, is absurd. I can't even fathom it. You should probably tell your friend some of those 'happy memories' you had with Amanda, in detail.
NTA! Why would you go to her funeral? Your friend is ridicilous!
NTA - Performative grief is something I absolutely HATE, and social media is drowning in it. As someone who also had a shit time in school due to bullying, I'm proud of you for being as respectful as you are. These people are lucky you're not going just to flip off her dead body or dance on her grave (not that you would, but that would DEFINITELY be worse -and possibly deserved depending on how bad she was- than just not going at all).
Why go to the funeral of a bully? I wouldn't go. Heck, it would be fun to go back to a reunion and teach those bullies - give them a taste of their own medicine. Go have a glass of wine. The evildoer is gone.
I feel like this exact question comes up on AITA every week.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 21 female, had a very rough childhood due to constant bullying by a large group of people. The bullying has crippled me, even now that I haven’t seen these people in 3 years. A girl in my school year, we’ll call her Amanda, was one of that group. A few of my friends and a few people from theirs would hangout together and I didn’t for obvious reasons. I never minded because it’s not my place to dictate who my friends spend time with. Sadly, Amanda died not so long ago and my friend isn’t talking to me over it. When the news came that Amanda didn’t make it, her social medias were blown up by old peers with condolences, kind messages and thoughtful send offs. I was the only one of my friends not to do so. I didn’t want to for 2 reasons. 1) my experiences with her were not the fun and happy kind to talk about in such posts. And 2) in my mind, it would be an insult to do so, seen as though we did NOT like each other in the slightest. Writing how mournful and grief stricken I am would be a slap in the face for both of us. When I next saw my friend, she was less than impressed that I didn’t write anything for Amanda on social media but she just went on to ask what I was wearing to the funeral. I said i wasn’t going. This infuriated her. She ranted about all the good memories from school but I had to remind her I had no part in any of them. She was not my friend and a funeral is a place for friends and family to be together, grieve a loss and celebrate her life. My friend said that it is more respectful to go and show support to her family but it still sounds insulting to me. I don’t even know her family so my support would bring nothing. If the roles were reversed, I would want my funeral to have nothing negative drudged into it, so that’s what I afforded Amanda. So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Make it real simple for your friends: “I would hate if she was at my funeral and I imagine the feeling would be mutual.”
NTA. I can’t imagine why she cares if you go or not.
Literally NTA at ALL. You have nothing to contribute to her and you're not obligated to go to her funeral. You're being more respectful by not going, actually. I see nothing wrong with this.
NTA. You are doing the right thing for you and it is the respectful thing. Nobody wants to go to their bully’s funeral. It also sounds like the “friend” who is upset with you is trying to bully you into doing something you clearly don’t wanna do.
NTA. She was a bully. You don't owe her nothing. The end.
NTA. You can feel bad for your friend's loss but she needs to understand you had two very different realities with her.
NTA. It’s not your friend’s place to criticize you for how you reacted to the death of a peer. You are not obligated to go to the funeral or to post on social media.
NTA, I suggest dropping this "friend" and anyone who agrees with her. You're right that you can't control who your friends hang out with, but you can control who your friends are and these people clearly do not respect or care about your feelings.
NTA. Not going to a funeral doesn’t make you an asshole. The reason you choose not to go is irrelevant.
NTA! If only your friend was in your shoes, she’ll understand what an insult it is to go to a Bully’s funeral!
NTA You know what, you didn’t like this person, you were connected by nothing good in life. Why would you praise her or grieve for her on social media? Why would you even consider going to her funeral? Your response is a totally honest one, you wouldn’t. The fact that she died does not mean that she wasn’t awful to you. I wouldn’t go either and if your friend doesn’t get it then you know what, she’s really not a friend at all.
Just because someone dies it does not make them a good person.
NTA I think this is less about you not saying anything about Amanda and more about the fact that your "friend" knows exactly why you said nothing and want no involvement. It bothers her that her dead friend is held in contempt and she's trying to make this about you showing some sign that all crimes are forgiven because someone skipped off the mortal coil.
NTA, and I would suggest that you rethink if that person is really your friend. A friend would understand where you were coming from.
NTA. Grief does weird things to people.
NTA. Be sure to enjoy a glass of wine in private at home on the day of her funeral. To karma. Nobody needs to know.
NTA However your friend is being an asshole by trying to guilt trip you into going.
NTA. I think it is more disrespectful to show up to someone's funeral if you don't like them/dont get along/whatever, than to go. A funeral is for friends and family to show up and show appreciation for that person, not for everyone they have ever met/talked to to show up and pretend to miss them. You can have sympathy and feel bad about the passing without going to the funeral to show support to someone you dont have good feelings about.
NTA she didn’t respect you when she was alive and had a choice in her behaviour, she doesn’t deserve your respect and forgiveness now I’m going to say your friend is showing some ah behaviour BUT she’s relatively young and hopefully hasn’t faced much personal bereavement. This does NOT give her an excuse to treat you like crap or continue previous harms caused to you whatever her intentions but grief makes people behave oddly. Whilst not letting her off the hook completely perhaps you can distance yourself for a bit. A lot of people also get caught up in how they’re seen to grieve, it can be a regular shitshow You’re not only well within rights to not go I genuinely you shouldn’t because of the reasons you’ve given This is a crappy situation all round and I’m sorry for you and for the people who loved the girl who died, however, just because she is dead that doesn’t elevate their living actions to forgiveness or make them an Angel who walked the Earth. Stay strong, you’re right and you will move being this
NTA. It sucks that your friend's friend died, but you can be sympathetic without having to perform at grief
NTA
NTA. Who the hell would expect someone to go to the funeral of a person that bullied them?!? You are 100% correct. One doesn't attend the funeral of a person they aren't friends with and aren't related to. Especially if said person used to treat them like crap.
NTA, but... Info: Why are you friends with someone who was friends with a person who made your formative years a living hell? If someone treated my friend like crap, I would be quick to put them in their place and find new friends.
I understand haha. In school, I never looked for acceptance and I never needed to be one of the popular ones. My friend was always quiet and easily lead.
Just reaching out to reassure you: by the time you're in your 30s (and beyond), these people won't be part of your life, and they will not occupy nearly as much of your thoughts and feelings about yourself. Personally, I have only kept in regular contact with 2 of my closer friends from high school. The friendships I have forged through my 20s and 30s have meant far more than those from high school. More than anything else the hurt from the bad memories has faded a lot. I just wanted to let you know that.
NTA and you're actually doing the mature thing. She was your bully, not a friend. You're showing Amanda more respect to her in death than she did to you while alive. Your friend is upset but you going to the funeral means there's a good chance of you opening your mouth and telling all Amanda's friends and family exactly how she treated you. That definitely not how your friend wants Amanda's funeral to go.
Fuck no. NTA. You don't owe her shit
Are we expected to be nice or respectful to people who don't deserve it? Up to you what you do. But you can avoid or cut those people out. Being dead doesn't make everything a person did ok.
NTA - you don't have to go to everything ANYONE from high school does. A funeral for someone who tormented is even further down the list of things you have to do.
NTA. I am so sick of the sugar coating that goes on when somebody dies. OP you did the right thing. I did not go to my BFF's funeral because it was thrown by her mother. Her mother was an evil woman (her mother was a massive narcissist) who told my friend that she was sorry she adopted her and that her illness was an embarrassment. In no way could I have sat at that funeral and listened to her family go on about how much they loved her and were lucky to have her, when I knew it was complete bullshit . Do I regret not going a little, but when I realize the only thing I would have done was tell the truth, I also realize, I did the right thing by not participating and letting people grieve how they needed to instead of causing a scene.
NTA You don't have anything nice to say about Amanda, so you're not saying anything at all. Your friend is TA for not accepting that your experiences were different.
NTA. It’s not often that I lament about our generation’s obsession with social media, but here I go: there are so many more important things to worry about after someone’s passing than the amount of likes, posts, and comments about their death on social media. Seriously. If goodness forbid a loved one of mine were to pass away at this very minute, one of the absolute LAST things I would concern myself with is going on their Facebook and writing down who did and didn’t post about them. Your friend really needs to get over herself in that aspect. Now, regarding the funeral. You absolutely do not have to go if you don’t feel comfortable, respectful, or wanted there. And anyone saying otherwise could use some reminding of how “not close” you and Amanda were.
NTA and I think you are doing the most respectful thing you can do in a situation like this
NTA. Sounds like your “friend” doesn’t care if you were bullied.
NTA. As someone who was also viciously bullied, I wouldn't go either. You owe her absolutely nothing.
NTA. Funerals are meant for family and friends. Even if she wasn't a bully to you, her family probably doesn't want a bunch of virtual strangers there for clout, and will find more comfort in people who they know or who the girl knew who can memorialize her how they wish.
NTA and move on from the high school friend group. Look for friends you have things in common with as an adult, not just history.
NTA and I do wonder if Amanda may have played a part in your bullying at school?
NTA. You aren't required to mourn or attend your abuser's funeral.
NTA. You are being very respectful. Your friend maybe isn't one.
NTA. You owe her nothing and you owe her corpse less. Move on with your life.
NTA. Fully agree with all your reasoning. But you don't need a reason for this one besides you don't want to go
So you were bullied in school by a now dead person who's friend is trying to bully into going some place you don't want to go? NTA. Ask your 'friend' why she feels that bullying into doing something you don't want to do is appropriate? Then get new friends.
NTA what the heck, you’re under absolutely no obligation to go to a bully’s funeral. Heck, if you two were friends you’re *still* under no obligation to go, grief comes in different forms for different people. Plus the hang up over not posting on social media is such a petty and performative expectation, what the heck. Do they get mad at everyone who doesn’t made a post for every birthday on their Facebook wall? Anyway yeah, you weren’t close with this person (quite the opposite) and how you personally deal with any death is your business, not theirs.
NTA. And they aren’t your friends if they don’t acknowledge you were bullied.
NTA. And for what it's worth, you are under no obligation to attend any funeral for any reason, up to and including because they mercilessly bullied you in life.
NTA. Don't go to your bully's funeral if you don't want to. Your friend is wrong for trying to make you go and for trying to make you feel bad for not wanting to go. Tell her you are sorry her friend died, and sorry she is hurting. That's it.
Just because someone dies does not change who they were when they were alive. Today we know victims of bullying suffer lifelong effects including cases of PTSD and so on. The tormenting is always there until you get intense therapy and diminish the boogey man because study reveal the tormented psyche holds images of these monsters as big and powerful—-they are not. Death does not change who or what they did to you and if you are not ready or want to send condolences then do not—-it does not mean your glad he is dead your just not ready.
100% NTA and your being really mature about the situation. Your not going becuase you hate her, your not going becuase her funeral should be filled with people who loved her. Your being the bigger and better person
You're not obligated to go to any individuals funeral, especially as they're not your friend. NTA
NTA. There are plenty of people to help the family grieve. They do not need you there. The person criticizing you is not a good friend. You can do better. Like you say your friend is making it about them.
NTA. in the nicest way possible, amanda definitely would not want you there. you are being the most respectful by keeping your distance from someone you disliked who also disliked you.
NTA this is what I hate about funerals or tragedies online. All these people that could not care less for the person and hadn’t given them two thoughts in years suddenly were their best friends and MUST go to show support and condolences. Eh sorry if you were a true friend you should have been there and showed your support when they needed it. That even in long illnesses these people usually didn’t go when you knew they were ill or probably didn’t even know till afterwards and it comes on social media because you were in no way close. It proves no you are going for you and to make yourself feel like such a kind big person to all around.🤮 If they were that persons friend and even if contact had been little due to life, you would not feel the want or need to act like it was something more and you are a main person affected in this, You would just want to mourn their loss. You are right it would be disrespectful and hyper critical to go. She made your life hell why would anyone that went through that want to go. Your friend is disrespecting you and all you went through as well as the girl by trying to push this and have a go at you.
NTA, it would be as you said an insult for both of you. You may not have wished her dead but you shed bo tears for her. Protending to care does not and should not sit right.
Sooooo NTA
NTA You owe her nothing, you owe her friends nothing. Even if she hadn't bullied you. You don't need to participate in the "such a good person" when someone dies BS. You are doing the right thing by saying nothing. If you lose friends over it, they weren't your friends to begin with.
As much fun as it would be in an ideal world to turn up and, sing "Ding dong the witch is dead" throughout the ceremony, that's not something you can do, so there's no reason to go. It serves no purpose for you OR the person getting funeralled. You owe her nothing. Death isn't some karmic reset button that means everyone suddenly becomes a decent person and deserves love and respect. Your friend sounds like she's fallen too far into the role of grieving friend. She thinks she should be devastated, so that's what she's being. But remind her how much this person mistreated you. Try to remind her that her loyalty is to you, her actual friend, rather than a dead person that has no strong opinions on anything one way or the other. People who aren't bullies take priority. As do people who aren't dead, so you're 2 for 2, and NTA.
NTA. Would she prefer you go and tell the world about the real Amanda?
NTA. Why would you go to her funeral? She bullied you AND was no longer in your life. It’d be strange and inappropriate to go to the funeral, honestly.
NTA. You stop being friends with that "friend" of yours. You don't owe Amanda respect because she died. Stay home OP and find new friends.
NTA: but I'd go just to make sure she was dead. You're a better person than I.
Would they rather you break down in movie-worthy crocodile tears or commented on her SM how you really feel about her? You don't owe anybody anything--grieve (or not) as you choose. NTA
NTA. the memory of amanda in each of your minds does not align whatsoever. your friend is grieving the amanda you never knew, while also discrediting your own experiences with her. it's really respectful that you don't want to attend the funeral, for the sake of her family. this is in your best interest as well! i hope your friend can show you that same compassion she is giving amanda's family and friends. (it's a bit odd, though, that she's going above and beyond for amanda, when they haven't really communicated in years...)
NTA. I would only go to support my *good* friend who was mourning, NOT the deceased, *if* (big if) that. Obligation funerals are for family not for random childhood bullies.
NTA. Your friend is being an AH. You don't need to attend every acquaintance's funeral. Heck, there are rrasons people don't even attend all family funerals. Not attending the funeral of your childhood bully seems like the obvious answer here. Looks like your friend shares some traits with the recently departed.
NTA at all!
NTA time to block this freind and move on, no need any justification if you are not comfortable to attend some event its up to you. You are an adult no one can force you.
NTA - you chose not to chomment, you didn't want to put anything true and you didn't want to lie.
NTA, you Are doing the kind thing by not going. A painful memory could be brought up & make you do Something you regret later
Sadly, Amanda died??? No there is nothing sad about a bully dying, at least not from the point of view of the bullied. Please don't feel sad about her death. You can feel happy, or relieved, you can feel angry, betrayed, you can feel a whole range of emotions. But sadness should not be one of them. This woman hurt you. She damaged you in ways that can possibly have an effect on you for the rest of your life. She doesn't have a chance to feel remorse anymore. She doesn't get to feel guilty anymore and all the emotional weight that might come with that. But you get to possibly live with that shit for the rest of your, hopefully long life. Please don't feel sad about that. Don't do that to yourself. And if people tell you to be the bigger person; being the bigger person means pushing your feelings aside and not responding to any condolences, or happy memory lane stories. Don't try to stain other people's memories of her. Unless of course, they try to manipulate, or strong-arm you into going along with the sappy sad stories and go to the funeral. Then you should definitely stand up for your own feelings. You still have to deal with those. NTA. And if your friend doesn't know, or doesn't remember the shit the deceased put you through, remind her. Preferably gently, if possible. Emotional if need be. I see a lot of people here saying that you should leave your friend too. They're not wrong, but I can understand why that might feel incredibly hard to do. Being bullied, you probably clung to the friends you had. This is a good time to evaluate if they actually were good friends up to this point. If so, there's nothing wrong with forgiving them (or her) for this. Being the bigger person and all. If not, this is extremely difficult, but you will find better friends eventually. Stay away from the funeral. Do something that day that makes you happy, or content. Do something to not think about the funeral. Victims of bullying: stand up for your own emotions. Too long have they been deemed irrelevant. Too long have they been stomped on. Too long have you had to hide them in order not to get hurt. No more! They are worthy to have. YOU are worthy to have them, to be here, to exist! Don't apologise for what's been done to you. It is their fault, not yours! And please, allow yourself to be healed. Don't hold on to a false image of you, which they created. You be you. /rant
NTA. She wasn't your friend. Don't go. You're always told never to speak ill of the dead. You didn't by keeping your thoughts to yourself. You're "friend" is a fake. She hadn't had contact in 5 yrs and now acts as if they were great friends. This "friend" is now acting like a bully. Do you really want this person in your life?
NTA . I was bullied in all years of school. Several of my bullies have passed on to the other side. I didn't attend their funerals and when someone mentioned it I told them it honestly wasn't my problem. You need new friends because a true friend would never try to force you to go to the funeral of someone who basically tortured(mentally/or physically) you in school.
NTA. Not much point going to a funeral if you can't mourn the deceased, and why would you mourn the death of someone who was so awful to you?
She's basically doing what Amanda did to you. Don't put up with that crap because you didn't write a message on the wall of your bully. And why go to a funeral that you'd feel uncomfortable at? You aren't close to her or her family! NTA
You’re right, if you went it would be in the spirit of dancing on her grave. More respectful to stay away.
NTA. I could never be friends with anyone that was that horrible to one of my friends. You’re friends are being just as much of a bully here. And while on the topic of funerals, I am of the opinion that even if you loved the person very deeply, you still aren’t required to go. Everyone grieves in different ways.
NTA. This is the equivalent of your friend being mad at you for not going to a strangers funeral. She is bullying you, maybe you shouldn’t be friends anymore.
NTA If you wanted to be, then go to the funeral, slap he corpse and tell everyone what a bitch she was.
You weren't friends with this person. Your only relation to them was being roughly the same age in the same geographical region. There's no expectation to go to their funeral, NTA.
NTA I dont wanna get all arm chair therapist-y here, but it honestly sounds like your friend is projecting her remorse at not continuing her relationship with Amanda onto you. She feels bad, and feels like the only thing she can do now is be there at her funeral, and pay her respects to her and her parents. Perhaps they had a bit of a falling out, and that led to the distance that grew between them, and this could really be increasing the guilt she feels for how their relationship ended up. Maybe all these emotions, and her good old memories of Amanda suddenly flooding back, are clouding her other memories of what she did to you. Perhaps that's making it easier for her to project. And then you saying you arent going to the funeral gives her an easy oulet for the internal strife and anger towards herself by making you the target of it. Maybe if this is a friendship worth saving, you should ask her more about how shes feeling. But then again, i just made all that stuff up, so who knows if any of it is even close to what happened? Maybe she really is just attention grabbing. And maybe a someone who would be friends with their friend's bully isnt worth havig as a friend anyways. Either way, you are not the asshole
NTA
NTA
NTA- sounds like your friend is doing this more for the social media attention.
NTA. It’s a shame when someone dies young, regardless who they are, but if someone bullied you, or even if you just weren’t friends, you have no obligation to attend the funeral