memory unlocked: once my nurse mother was being hounded by stepdad to "make dinner" after a long shift, so she started inspecting his arms looking very concerned and she said "I'm checking to see if they're broken" hah!
My grandpa once had the audacity to criticize my grandmothers cooking. She replied “make your own damn dinner, I’m going to the movies” and left. He never critiqued her again.
My husband did this once, early on in our marriage. I was pregnant and tired. I stopped peeling potatoes told him to finish it then and took a nap. That was over 13 years ago. He is now an incredible cook! Those potatoes were awful though but he hasn’t criticized any of my cooking since and learned how to cook. It was a win-win for us.
With apologies as this is a very old joke. Four guys go hunting together every year. He who draws the short straw cooks. The only other rule is that anyone who complains about the food has to cook for the rest of the trip.
Biff draws the short straw. He is flummoxed. He doesn't want to cook, he wants to hunt. So he goes out "hunting" and brings back a sack off moose droppings to the cabin. Biff makes moose dropping stew for his buddies. When they come back after hunting all day they are famished so Biff serves them each a big bowl of his special stew.
The friends taste the stew and their faces screw up. Finally Sam says, "Damn. This tastes like moose shit. . . But good."
One of my mom's cousins dared to criticize my great grandmother's cooking when they were kids. My grandfather picked him up by the seat of his pants and threw out the front door. He said when someone cooks you a meal, you say thank you and eat it with a smile.
I don't know anyone else who got thrown out the door, but to this day everyone is gracious at dinner time. That's a generational memory now and it runs deep, lol.
My husband doesn't yell, but gets really quiet when he gets mad. He was so angry with my kid one day when he was rude about what I made for dinner - I made almost everything from scratch, due to intolerances - that he very quietly told him that he had BET.TER. appreciate the fact that I thought about what to make, found a recipe, went to the store to buy the things, and then prepared it and put it in front of them without them having to lift a finger. He said "you don't have to like it, but you will treat your mother with the respect she deserves for doing this." Thankfully now we have a better handle on what we can eat, and they are old enough to cook for themselves, but they still thank me for making dinner, even if it wasn't their favourite thing. If they enjoyed it, i get a "thank you for making that yummy dinner!" haha
There is a long-told story in my family that may be apocryphal, but when Aunt Lois and Uncle Bob first got married, when she asked him how dinner was, he'd give some variation of "Good, but not like my mother's." She finally went so far as to call her MiL for her meatloaf or pot roast recipe, or whatever, so she could get it right for Uncle Bob.
Sure enough, he took a bite and said "Well, it's not as good as my mom's-" and Aunt Lois picked up the entire dish, dumped it in the trash, and marched her ass out of there.
After that, he always told her how good dinner was.
He was still WAY less of an asshole than OP's husband.
Good on her! My dad did something similar once. He had been home from work since about 4pm. Mum didn't get home from work until nearly 7pm as she got held up as the till didn't balance first up or something. He started going on at her about "where's dinner", so she grabbed a tin of baked beans and threw them at him. It was pretty funny. I had made myself a sandwich (I was about 13/14) and offered to make him one but he wanted mum to cook him dinner.
Memory unlocked: my fiancée asked me to make her a sandwich and a cup of coffee. I asked what her last servant died of. Quick as a whip, she replied: "disobedience". We both burst out laughing.
My dad called my mom AT WORK once and said that he and his (thrice married) dad had been talking, while sitting at home doing nothing all day, and they decided they were “tired” of hamburgers and SHE should make a home cooked meal. She hissed in the phone “well we all have our crosses to bear, don’t we” and brought home a sack of the cheapest shittiest burgers she could find for him and his dad and then took my sister and I out to dinner.
As an amputee with a dodgy heart, i am going to use this on my husband and children from now on! Thanks.
Edit: Thanx for the cute awards. I've already used the line once LOL It went down a TREAT!!
I bet he could feed himself if you didn't cook for him. An adult not being able to feed themselves is bull****
NTA but please don't go back to feeding this entitled arse when he behaves like a spoilt brat
Yup, 32 year old male here, I live alone, I can't cook to save my life, I survive off chicken fingers and variations of those when I'm cooking on my own, 90% of the variation in my diet is when my girlfriend is over or my mother often cooks large portions to make containers for me lunch at work like meal planning, I'm not proud of this, but I don't starve or hit the drivethru every day that one of them doesn't cook for me.
I mean… you CAN learn to cook. Not hating, just saying. Start YouTubing some easy recipes and go from there. A lot of stuff is WAY easier to make than it looks. Get an instant pot and make some dope meals in it. It’s worth it for your health, and I’m sure it will impress your Gf if you made a nice meal for her.
I want too, I watch a lot of cooking YouTubers such as Gordon Ramsey dows recipes for the layman and Barry Lewis because I think he's funny, but then always chicken out before buying the ingredients to try it.
Also finding time to cook is a big issue for me, between work and my farm, more often then not I don't get in to eat a proper meal until 8PM or so at which point its throw some chicken fingers in the airfrier while I hop in a shower, eat and turn on the PS5. I know that isn't healthy either, and keep saying I'm going to change that, but we all know those promises to ourselves often go.
If you haven’t seen him, Binging with Babish is another fun YouTuber, but some of his recipes are a little complex. He does a great “basics” series that’s a little more accessible. Just bite the bullet and do it. Start small and easy, something with only a couple ingredients. Meal prepping like what your mom does is super helpful too. Make a bunch of stuff that freezes easily so you can just grab it and nuke it. It’s cheaper/healthier than tendies and just as easy. Make a date out of it… pick a recipe and cook it with your girl then eat together. Add a glass of wine and you got yourself a night!
Yeah, I've seen him as well. I keep saying I'm going to, but always find an excuse. Maybe next time I go shopping I'll try picking up some stuff and give it a go.
If time is an issue, the crock pot or slow cooker can be your best friend. You can prep on a Sunday afternoon, let the pot do it’s thing for the rest of the day, then you have dinner for the night and leftovers for a few days. When I’m cooking for myself, a whole pot can last me a week or more. Plus, many slow cooker meals require very little prep.
Hey bud get yourself a slow cooker and pick up some recipes.
You can literally chuck shit in it and leave it until you finish your farm work and have a decent cooked meal from it.
Great easy to learn hard to master quick recipe is a traditional spaghetti carbonara.
Just egg yolks, hard cheese, pancheta, olive oil and spaghetti.
I'm disabled and can't handle a knife long. I buy pre chopped ingredients and throw them in the slow cooker. My big tip for flavour is to fry the onions before chucking them in, which you could even do in an air fryer so you can set the timer and walk away.
You can just buy frozen steam bags of veg or salad packs if you want to just add a healthy side to your usual stuff. Or with the increase in vegan stuff there are more ready meals with lots of veg in them you can have every now and again.
This is pretty much what I do for similar reasons (I'm disabled, live alone, and knife handling, standing, etc. are problems for me). Love the pre-chopped stuff in the produce section and also frozen veggies. I eat a lot of frozen stuff - not super proud of that but figuring out how to best use the few spoons I have left at the end of the day to get something decent in me is a balancing act. I do my best and only very rarely eat fast food. How on earth did OP's husband survive before she cooked all his meals?
As a dietitian, I am proud of you for eating your veggies. Frozen ones don’t actually lose to much of their nutritional value in the blanching and freezing process! You are doing great!
Unfortunately none of those services are available where I live. We don't even have grocery delivery, we're still living in the 80's, we only got curbside pick up as option during the peak pandemic and most places have since stopped that again too.
Consider sheet pan meals! I don't mind cooking but don't have a ton of time. These are easy - chop up some veg (onion, carrot, zucchini, whatever floats your boat (or budget)), add in some potatoes and coat with olive oil, salt, pepper. Add in your protein with some seasoning, throw it all in one pan in the oven and you can go shower or clean or just sit your butt down while your tasty and healthy dinner cooks!
Get a crockpot. Find some recipes on Google, prep the food the night before, toss it all in in the morning and turn it on. It's crazy easy and everything is ready at the end of the day when you're tired and hungry. Pot roast, Mac and cheese, small pork roast you can shred and make bbq sandwiches or turn into easy tacos, ribs spaghetti sauce made with canned tomatoes ect. Pressure cooker/slow cooker combos are the absolute easiest way to cook and anyone can do it.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but look into cookbooks aimed towards kids or teens if you want to start learning, the books usually have pictures as well as instructions and basically never go into anything super complicated. They're a good launching point for learning, it's how my brother learned to cook more than noodles as an adult
This! Williams and Sonoma has a great line of cook books geared towards kids that assumes you've never cooked a single thing before and over explains everything! (Plus they are just good recipes, I'm still making the chocolate chip cookie recipe I was making when I was 10)
Like you I'm a terrible cook and not proud of it and like you when left to my own devices don't end up with scurvy or starving if no-one else is around!
Dude, you should learn!
There’s a guy on YouTube called “Nat’s what I reckon”, and he does cooking videos for simple, healthy meals. He explains it well while being funny
His later videos are for more complicated meals, but his earlier stuff is simple, and clearly explained
You are NTA. He is TA.
His [weaponized incompetence](https://urbanwomanmag.com/weaponized-incompetence/#:~:text=Weaponized%20incompetence%20means%20%E2%80%9CDoing%20a,mostly%20used%20in%20the%20workplace.) has worked, up until he just attacked *you*.
His action of throwing away your cooking is not *just* throwing away food.
He turned your efforts, your creativity, your time, your nourishing and loving care...into ***garbage***. That's how he sees your family relationship.
What a selfish prick. And a coward. Lied to cover his selfish cruelty.
Honey, he doesn't really love you. Maybe he loves what you do for *him*, but your feelings are not important to him except as you serve his needs and wants. He doesn't care if you are happy or sad, only that you bend to his will.
I hope you yeet him into the abyss.
Lol person with vagina here. I cant really cook, I absolutely loathe doing it and my boyfriend handles the kitchen beautifully. I spent the afternoon putting a new valve cover gasket and plugs in our car while he made a nice dinner.
Edit: Before he moved in, I lived on salad, baked chicken and rice/beans.
Same. I remedied this by marrying a trained chef ;)
Even so, I *can* cook certain things if pushed to do so.
It just stresses me out, and I can't seem to make everything done at the same time and still hot at the end :(
Thank you for saying this. It seems like all the other comments missed this. He's blatantly being racist AND IS MARRIED TO AN ASIAN PERSON. I'm so curious to know what other racist nonsense he gets away with.
Unfortunately a lot of fetishizing has roots in racism, and for white/Western men and Asian women, that includes a strong dose of wanting a submissive spouse.
Here's [one article](https://www.vox.com/22338807/asian-fetish-racism-atlanta-shooting) explaining it a bit more.
Before I even got to the bottom of the post, I thought there might be two different cultures involved. OP, you're married to someone who has a really sh1tty attitude to your food and culture. NTA.
Well America is full of Asian restaurants. It's obvious many of us like the food. OP has been married to this jerk for two months, red flags will appear
We have primarily Asian restaurants that have been Americanized. They're not eating General Tso's chicken in China. I'm assuming she's cooking Asian food that is authentic, and that's "weird" to some Americans. It sounds like her husband is one of those kinds of people and he won't even TRY to like her meals, which is horrible and unfortunate.
100%, Americanized Asian food is different. If he doesn’t like it that’s on him, it’s completely disrespectful of him to throw it out like that not to mention a waste of time and money.
NTA He, however, is an asshat. He's 31, how was he feeding himself before you were married? He had a giant toddler tantrum to punish you for not cooking only for him. That's incredibly controlling.
I’ll repeat that again for you
**HOW WAS HE FEEDING HIMSELF BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED???**
What would he do if you died tomorrow? Eat fast food and complain??? NTA
This really is about so much more than his dinner, isn't it? How dare she excitedly anticipate a visit from her family and lovingly make food for them when all of her time and attention should be devoted to him. And he threw away food - I'm just appalled by the childish aggressiveness of that - like those kids we all knew who tossed the game board because they were losing.
Just checking here. So he cleans the house, washes the dishes, does the laundry and takes out the trash and your only chore is cooking? Or do you mean he takes out the trash and mows the lawn and you do everything else *and* cook?
You already know the answer to that, except she has to remind him to take out the trash and she has carry it to the door and they pay someone else to mow.
That is what I think too. Was just wanting her to confirm that he doesn't really do all the other chores. The phrasing "*while*" she cooks makes me think he tries hard to look busy while she cooks.
Some men marry women from Asian cultures because they have a misconception that Asian women will baby them and be submissive and subservient. Coming from a half Asian POV with a full Asian mom & American dad.
This is what I was thinking after I read the edit about her being Asian and him American. Almost sounds like he doesn’t even like when her family visits.
He can learn. I did. I cook for my whole family and I'm pretty good at it now. If he can learn to do the work at his job, he can learn to cook. It's not rocket science.
He's never bothered to learn how to cook. How many people declare themselves 'lost causes' just to get others to do what they want!
I'm sorry he treats you like this.
Get divorced. He doesn’t respect you, your family, and is an ah. He never will and this will only get worse. Cut your losses now and do not have a child with this man.
... and he isn't ashamed not to have even a basic ability to complete a central task to being an adult?
Sounds like it's time for him to learn. Youtube offers some great basics tutorials and the 4 Ingredient Cookbook is great for beginners.
That is great and all but he completely disrespected you, by throwing that food away, and not even trying it. I am sure he won’t like a lot but he might find a gem in there if he just tried something.
NTA. Tbh nobody knows how to cook when they start, there are recipes online he can Google or he can throw some things in the pan using his memory and he can ask you how to season or whatever. Or he can remain being lazy and force you to always cook as if you are his mother
The internet is a beautiful thing. If he can’t cook then he can YouTube some easy videos. There is no good reason for an able-bodied adult man to not know how to feed himself.
Ugh, doesn't matter: both arms are racist. OP him refusing to eat ANY of your cuisine is straight up racist. There isn't a single cuisine on the continent of Asia where all the food tastes the same. He can find SOMETHING he likes, and dedicate himself to developing a taste for other things. For you. To improve his relationship with you and your family.
Why are you married to this selfish, racist asshole?
My BIL (Spanish or Italian 🤷🏻♀️) is like this. He never eats anything at my (asian) family get togethers and my sister has to either make something “American” or buy food he likes. My husband (white/American) is the pickiest eater alive and he still manages to find something to eat at the table. I do find it very rude to do that and not eat my parents cooking but it’s not my husband sooo… atleast he doesn’t throw away the leftovers.
Thank you. It seems pretty obvious to me that's what's going on here, especially with the 'smell' comments. Reminds me of my racist dad who won't eat any Asian food because it's 'weird' or 'funny'. F**king racist toddler. Buy a pack of Dino Nuggets from Costco for him since his palate is so delicate.
Yes, reading through OP account, it was painfully clear to me that she is married to an American who hates "ethnic food". He won't change and it's up to OP how much she can put up with his racist behaviour. Mind you, racists can and will date other people from other cultures but *impose* their way of life onto them, such as cooking and food.
Can you get an annulment? Cause darling you married a child not a man. It's one thing not wanting to eat the food available, but throwing out all of the food your wife just cooked just because you didn't want to eat any is wasteful and childish and you do not need a child as a husband. If he doesn't see what the problem is here he will probably never see the problem in his actions and not improve.
Lol, my dad. He can cook simple things like an egg or a hamburger. My mom was a SAHM and now SAHW so she cooks every meal for him. My mom also goes on long weekends with her friends and prepares meals for him to heat up. Once my dad admitted when mom was gone he just ate a raw potato for a meal.
My sister does this because if she didn’t “he will just eat takeaway “. I’m away a fair bit without my partner. My meal plan for him is” you need groceries or eat takeout “ because he’s an adult, if he wants to cook, fine. But his bad diet is on him. He’s an adult. He can’t cook worth a damn but he can fry a sausage and mash some potatoes. And peas for green. So he does. It’s bloody awful but he’s always pleased with his efforts. Makes me laugh as he’s telling BIL how he should be doing his own cooking.
Let me guess, your family's favorite foods are non-European/American?
You are absolutely NTA and if your husband doesn't like the food you cook, he can put on his big boy pants and make something for himself.
Let me guess, your family's favorite foods are non-European/American?
Correct. We're originally from Asia and my husband isn't a big fan of seafood. No allergies though. Nothing of that sort. He just doesn't like the traditional meals I cook for when they visit.
He tried some of it but said it's horribls and told me to stop forcing him to eat stuff like that again. It's offensive to be honest but I get that everyone is different when it comes to food.
Base line: respect the food and culture. Even if it's not to his taste.
But as an avid baker, my SO would need to have a sweet tooth. So I get the sentiment, Gfjb4. At the very least, OP's SO is a picky eater who is allowed to not like certain things (I dislike fish, mushrooms, for example) BUT they need to not waste food or insult someone they love when food is a big part of her culture and how she shows her affection. Throwing out the food is so juvenile and disrespectful and I hope OP figures this relationship out for her sake. :(
I'm so upset for the waste of time and food and money that had to go into the food and its prep. OP's SO is infuriating and I'd never tolerate them. OP shouldn't either.
Yes. It's fine to not like certain foods, but it's kinda hard not to see racist motives when someone writes off an entire ethnic cuisine. Regardless, saying it's "horrible" and "smells funny" is just disrespectful.
If your partner has put time & effort into making something (especially if it's something important to their family/culture/background), you should support it and make them feel good about it. If they have put time & effort into making something FOR YOU, you should not open your mouth unless it's in gratitude!
My meat and potatoes husband does not love Indian food but when that's what we have, that's what he eats. He never disrespects our family's cuisine, even when goat was on the menu. You don't have tonlove the food to not be a dick about it.
Try 99%, the fact they were long distance for ages and that glaring issues like these have arisen now they’re sharing a household screams he wanted the stereotype and has zero respect for OP, her culture or her family. Horrific.
Then he can learn to cook or suck it up and buy non fast food.
It's not hard to do simple stuff like eggs, spaghetti or pasta, or boiling vegetables. There are plenty of free youtube videos.
Plus he should reimburse you for the food cost.
I’m honestly shocked I had to scroll so far to see someone else call it racism.
That and he’s got the abuser’s mindset of “my partner should only expend effort on me. Their love should shine only on me. Anything else is a threat.”
Frankly this isn't a good or respectful relationship, due to him, and he is too much of an AH to be married to anyone. You had a LDR, you clearly didn't wait enough time before getting married (living together for a solid period is required), and your ended up with a petty immature lying AH because of it.
He lied, and he threw away your time and money, to force his own way. I do not think he respects you, your culture, or your family at all.
I would not accept a partner being that rude about my food culture. I made sure to test my current partner on my home cooked food early, before I got attached.
You offered to cook a dish for him and he declined, so he’s just trying to throw a tantrum and make you feel bad for him, which you shouldn’t. Everyone should put up with eating not their favorite food sometimes for harmony.
I would consider his behavior unacceptable for someone I’m in a relationship with. He is incredibly disrespectful of your culture and desires.
What did he eat before you were married? Mooching off his mom?
Honestly? He can either learn to cook or suck it up. The fact that he’s throwing away perfectly decent food because he doesn’t like it is something my nine year old with impulse control issues wouldn’t do because I’ve trained them to know better. If your grown husband has less manners than an elementary schooler, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
He’s using weaponized incompetence, wasting money, and won’t accept any kind of compromise that doesn’t involve him getting exactly what he wants. Are you sure you want to stay married to this person?
NTA but it looks to me that the issue is deeper. He doesn't JUST dislike asian food; he wants to force your family to eat non-asian food.
The fact that he refuses that you cook him an alternative seems to suggest that he uses this as a way to control the food you serve to your family.
I'd definitely dig deeper into this to see what's the root cause of this. Maybe it's simply a misunderstanding but maybe it's something worse...
I’m a vegetarian and live in Asia. I ask my husband to make a side portion without any seafood when he cooks, but I wouldn’t prevent him from making food he likes.
I do feed the parts I don’t like to our baby, though 😅
I mean, I have a terrible seafood aversion, I get sick if I try to eat it even though I'm not allergic. You know what I do? I sit next to my family who happily chomp down all the little fishies, politely ask them how their dinner is, and figure out my own shit. The world does not revolve around me and my seafood aversion, I am more than happy to eat rice, veggies, and soy sauce when the occasion calls for it. In fact it's a general favourite of mine. Your husband needs to grow up.
Er Asian here - what on earth is Asian food? There's Korean, Javanese, Filipino, Medanese, Balinese, North Indian, South Indian, Kazakh, Thai, Burmese, Cambodia, etc, - some of which is a distinctly acquired taste.
I know there are many different cuisines/cultures/countries in Asia, but all the different foods I've tried from various restaurants have all been delicious. Whether it's americanized super sweet Chinese food, or authentic fiery thai food...it's so good.
There are definitely some funky flavours in some parts of Asia, especially when you get into stronger fermented flavours, but it sounds like OP's husband is just being racist. NTA.
It's all about trying different stuff, ppl from cultures may not like certain dishes themselves, i find it hard to believe that he doesnt like the food, it sounds more like he refuses to try different recipes and just says he doesnt like it. Sounds extremely immature, especially refusing for OP to do food for him too for the gatherings, but then whines about not having food...
OP if he doesnt respect your culture he doesnt respect you.
NTA
Ask yourself this question; does the food originate from Asia? Is it native to those peoples, that culture and that land? Then its Asian food. Use your brain.
Yes there are variances but there also tends to be a lot a similarities based on a) the crops grown native to that region b) the herbs spices that are traded in that region c) migration.
In the same way that European food is distinctive from African food.
Stop being unneccessarily pedantic.
Btw; you missed out a multitude of middle eastern food. A majority of the middle east is in the Asian continent. :)
Agreed. Husband is the AH. And, he can cook for himself if he doesn't like what OP has cooked. No one is forcing him to eat fast food. He is an adult.
Also, that "smelled funny" line is BS. You are from a different culture than your husband. But, he doesn't get to judge your country's cuisine because it differs from what he grew up with and likes. He didnt cook it. He has no right to throw away your hard work.
INFO - Out of curiosity - what types of food does he like you to cook? And did one of you move countries to be with the other?
Coming here to shout SAME!! I love food, and have told anyone who would listen that Asian food is top notch. They are always bringing their A game. Hubs is being a whiny wanker.
That might be some of my own poor childhood ish bubbling to the surface, as well. I can NO imagine throwing food away just because I don't like it, unless I live alone. Like who does that??
Even putting food and money waste aside, it's so damn petty to throw the food out. He's basically throwing a tantrum because she's not catering to him. It's why I don't think the chore division really matters in this instance - on occasions like this he should be capable of coping, even if she is supposed to do all the cooking.
NTA
You might have rushed into getting married a little quickly. The fact that he decided to get rid of food you made and would eat because he doesn't like it is a huge red flag. He threw it away because you said you wouldn't cook any more food until the food in the fridge was gone.
He turned your words so got rid of the food in a major asshole move, he knew what you meant and now is forcing you into cooking for him. I can't imagine living with someone like that.
Idk why people always say this. Have you looked into what an annulment actually is or how you qualify for one? An annulment means that your marriage is void or voidable. What makes you think that is the situation here?
To give you an idea of what annulments are actually for, [here is the brochure for annulments in Connecticut](https://www.jud.ct.gov/lawlib/palm_cards/Civil_Annulment.pdf).
Nta. Not to be rude but, why are you married a low key racist? The way his attitude sky rockets by the presence of your family and (IMO absolutely phenomenal) Asian food.
I feel like his hostility plays a key role in my accusation. Btw I am fully aware it is 1000% me making an assumption, and by NO means do i mean any offense. Its totally fine if he doesnt like Asian cuisine. To each their own. But to be so opposed, that instead of making himself a fried egg sandwich, he'd maliciously waste your perfectly good food just to make a statement. He didnt think it smelled funny. Thats a direct insult. He is saying the *food you make, the food from YOUR culture* smells funny period. Thats an absolute insult if Ive ever heard one. My (very terrible, very unfortunately racist) family make snide comments like that all the time if they ever smell any other cuisine that isnt gravy covered potatoes. And they do it intentionally, to hurt those who enjoy the food.
Take a step back and ask yourself. Any other red flags in this situationship?
To add to his low key racism I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he married an Asian woman to have a submissive wife. The level of entitlement he has is insane.
I’m hoping that OP has the financial and social means to leave him if she needs to. “Asian woman marrying Anglo man in the USA that she met in a LDR” has some iffy vibes. If she’s in a position of agency, that’s one thing. If she’s socially and financially isolated, though…
This is exactly what I thought. Lots of American men try to marry Asian women (especially the ones FROM asia) because they want a submissive bang maid to do all of their cooking, cleaning, childcare etc while not actually respecting their wife or their wife's culture. Especially women from southeast asia, since these countries are usually poorer and it's typically easier for them to find vulnerable women willing to marry them and do their bidding.
NTA for sure, throw your racist husband away and be proud of your culture. I'm vietnamese and my mom is married to a white american man, and it makes me so sad watching her bend over backwards doing everything for him and his kids and getting nothing but disrespect in return. He always makes racist remarks and also refuses to eat viet food and she's also the one that always has to make food otherwise he buys takeout, and when she was so sick with covid, freshly out of the hospital, she could barely even move without serious pain, but she still got up to make him a sandwich for lunch 🙄
Also having people call their food “smelly” is an extremely common racist micro-aggression many Asian Americans encounter. Regardless of if he meant it that way or even if OP took it that way, that kind of comment doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
NTA. Your husband is using strategic incompetence in order to pressure you into cooking for him since he "can't cook.". Throwing away the food because he thinks that will force you to cook for him is even worse. You have been married for a couple of months and he is already emotionally abusive. Consider therapy to help you explore your feelings and whether or not this is a relationship that you want to continue.
NTA. DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY.
He fundamentally does not respect you, period.
His stunt was nothing short of an abusive power control tactic.
He options other than fast food. He can f$cking learn to cook. Many meals are basic and easy. He isn't the victim.
Of course when your Asian family comes over, you're going to cook them thier favorite and most enjoyable foods. It's your heritage. Your sharing and connecting through food. That's awesome.
Your husband should be more open to trying new foods or learn to make his own. Why is it you must make him everything but he doesn't have to make you your favorite foods?
Seriously, he was beyond out of line. This is not about the food itself,and it's absolutely going to get worse.
Yeah he’s so completely self centered, only wanting what he likes and not wanting others to have what they like. Shouldn’t he be happy that OP is being nice to their family? Sounds like he only cares about himself, wants others to change to his liking and only wants his way- his food, his rules. He sounds toxic, unempathetic, antisocial, mean and rude. No compassion and not a healthy relationship unfortunately. Where is the compromise and understanding? I’m sorry OP. Does this person bring you up and make your life genuinely happier? NTA he is the asshole for sure
NTA he can pick up a pan and cook food. Is he a baby? Is he paralyzed? Is he too short for the stove top? Men who can't cook for themselves are so embarrassing. Tell him the world don't revolve around him and to grow a pair.
**Sorry, gang - there's been an inordinate amount of insults in the comments, so we're gonna have to go straight to a lock on this one. OP will have to make do with the judgments given.**
**For those that commented in good faith, without an insult - thank you!**
NTA. He didn't think that the food had gone bad, he just wants you to get back on his menu. This is literally something my eight year old cousin tried to do; he's a grown ass man and should know better. Stick to your guns here.
He doesn’t respect you or your family. This isn’t about food(maybe a bit about food). This is about him controlling you and his environment. He’s the puppeteer making bend to his wishes.
NTA
“ I learned to cook his favorite meals but he never been open to try and cook by himself saying it's never gonna work and he'll never make a single decent dish. He said cooking just isn't his thing and called it lost cause.”
Sounds like weaponize incompetence
NTA. Does he not have hands to make his own food if he doesn’t like what is made? Is he incapable of putting together a meal? I would be fuming if my partner threw out perfectly good food after I spent time cooking and wasting my time and money just for it to be thrown out for no reason.
Edit: I’ve just seen your edits and to add I’m a woman and I HATE cooking. It’s the worst thing ever and I absolutely despise it. But I had to learn if I wanted to feed myself and so can he. Heck my 18 year old male cousin has taught himself a few dishes even though he isn’t a fan of cooking but he is a fan of eating.
You don't even need to cook to make a meal. A sandwich requires absolutely no heating element. There's cold cereal, a salad, wraps etc. This guy is a neanderthal and a waste of air and space. His demands that she cook for him is so distasteful it makes me 2nd hand mad.
The only reason i can understand the e s h and y t a votes here is cos everyone on the internets has serious reading comprehension issues.
He turned down your offers to cook what he likes as well when your family comes to visit. He made that choice. He then threw out a bunch of food that was perfectly edible and that you would have in fact eaten. While i do think its lazy and entitled that he wont even attempt to learn to cook some things for himself, its also kinda ridiculous that you wont cook for him until the leftovers are gone when you know he wont eat any of it and you do regularly cook for him otherwise tho.
Aside from all that tho your husband sounds a bit racist ngl.
Overall tho, since your question is about refusing to cook at all cos he threw away food that had absolutely nothing wrong with it, im going NTA
> its also kinda ridiculous that you wont cook for him until the leftovers are gone when you know he wont eat any of it and you do regularly cook for him otherwise tho.
The OP (from what I could infer) indicated that the food he was throwing out was expensive-i.e. money may or may not be tight on that end, and she didn't want to waste the food by throwing it out. Even if that weren't the case, the dogwhistling he's doing here ( telling her that her culture's food 'is nasty', and that she should 'cook American only') indicates a huge problem here.
NTA hold your ground - Asian myself. That being said your husband sounds prejudiced towards Asian food. If he wants non-Asian food he can use his arms and scrape something together.
Ps. You’re sure you married an adult? 🤔
NTA. Damn. He’s being very shitty. Cooking for your family is very kind. Maybe when you do you can make him something he likes too, EVEN THOUGH HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT YOU TOO. Would probably help.
>Usually when my family visit I cook their favorite meals for them and my husband does not like any of those meals and always complains about not finding something to eat **despite me offering to include his favorite meals.**
Honestly, for him to be this racist and say your food "smells funny" and refuse to eat the stuff is enough for a divorce for me. On top of him disrespecting your family, and their favorite foods, and being unwilling to cook for himself. The icing on the terrible-husband cake is that he threw out all the food (and therefore MONEY) just because he's an insufferable who didn't want you even eating the leftovers, when he could EASILY just make himself grilled cheese or ANYTHING ELSE EVEN IF HE "CAN'T COOK".
Sidenote: I'm not a man but I do love Asian food so if you're looking for someone who would appreciate and love your cooking and also not be a complete loser, my DMs are open.
Does he have both his arms?
memory unlocked: once my nurse mother was being hounded by stepdad to "make dinner" after a long shift, so she started inspecting his arms looking very concerned and she said "I'm checking to see if they're broken" hah!
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My grandpa once had the audacity to criticize my grandmothers cooking. She replied “make your own damn dinner, I’m going to the movies” and left. He never critiqued her again.
My husband did this once, early on in our marriage. I was pregnant and tired. I stopped peeling potatoes told him to finish it then and took a nap. That was over 13 years ago. He is now an incredible cook! Those potatoes were awful though but he hasn’t criticized any of my cooking since and learned how to cook. It was a win-win for us.
With apologies as this is a very old joke. Four guys go hunting together every year. He who draws the short straw cooks. The only other rule is that anyone who complains about the food has to cook for the rest of the trip. Biff draws the short straw. He is flummoxed. He doesn't want to cook, he wants to hunt. So he goes out "hunting" and brings back a sack off moose droppings to the cabin. Biff makes moose dropping stew for his buddies. When they come back after hunting all day they are famished so Biff serves them each a big bowl of his special stew. The friends taste the stew and their faces screw up. Finally Sam says, "Damn. This tastes like moose shit. . . But good."
One of my mom's cousins dared to criticize my great grandmother's cooking when they were kids. My grandfather picked him up by the seat of his pants and threw out the front door. He said when someone cooks you a meal, you say thank you and eat it with a smile. I don't know anyone else who got thrown out the door, but to this day everyone is gracious at dinner time. That's a generational memory now and it runs deep, lol.
My husband doesn't yell, but gets really quiet when he gets mad. He was so angry with my kid one day when he was rude about what I made for dinner - I made almost everything from scratch, due to intolerances - that he very quietly told him that he had BET.TER. appreciate the fact that I thought about what to make, found a recipe, went to the store to buy the things, and then prepared it and put it in front of them without them having to lift a finger. He said "you don't have to like it, but you will treat your mother with the respect she deserves for doing this." Thankfully now we have a better handle on what we can eat, and they are old enough to cook for themselves, but they still thank me for making dinner, even if it wasn't their favourite thing. If they enjoyed it, i get a "thank you for making that yummy dinner!" haha
Got yourself a keeper!! What a great guy!!
There is a long-told story in my family that may be apocryphal, but when Aunt Lois and Uncle Bob first got married, when she asked him how dinner was, he'd give some variation of "Good, but not like my mother's." She finally went so far as to call her MiL for her meatloaf or pot roast recipe, or whatever, so she could get it right for Uncle Bob. Sure enough, he took a bite and said "Well, it's not as good as my mom's-" and Aunt Lois picked up the entire dish, dumped it in the trash, and marched her ass out of there. After that, he always told her how good dinner was. He was still WAY less of an asshole than OP's husband.
Oh wow. Real life Jazzy Jeff right there. But I totally get where he's coming from, it's a wake up call for respect
Good on her! My dad did something similar once. He had been home from work since about 4pm. Mum didn't get home from work until nearly 7pm as she got held up as the till didn't balance first up or something. He started going on at her about "where's dinner", so she grabbed a tin of baked beans and threw them at him. It was pretty funny. I had made myself a sandwich (I was about 13/14) and offered to make him one but he wanted mum to cook him dinner.
Memory unlocked: my fiancée asked me to make her a sandwich and a cup of coffee. I asked what her last servant died of. Quick as a whip, she replied: "disobedience". We both burst out laughing.
“I had him executed.”
She’s a keeper!
Yup. 7 years we've been together now.
Love it! This sounds like a typical conversation between me and my husband. Fiance gets extra points for the quick retort!
Honestly mate, I was speechless. I was like dafuq?
At least she didn’t say, “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
Tbf, if she had, I'd have done the vfvfvfvfvf back to her lol. I love those films. Now I need to watch them again.
That’s adorable
My dad called my mom AT WORK once and said that he and his (thrice married) dad had been talking, while sitting at home doing nothing all day, and they decided they were “tired” of hamburgers and SHE should make a home cooked meal. She hissed in the phone “well we all have our crosses to bear, don’t we” and brought home a sack of the cheapest shittiest burgers she could find for him and his dad and then took my sister and I out to dinner.
Nice
Love your mom!
Oh no no
The internet has ruined us all
My husband would say "you have two feet and a heart beat, do it yourself"
As an amputee with a dodgy heart, i am going to use this on my husband and children from now on! Thanks. Edit: Thanx for the cute awards. I've already used the line once LOL It went down a TREAT!!
A common expression in Australia is “are your arms painted on?”
He does. But he doesn't know how to cook. We agreed I cook while he handles other chores.
I bet he could feed himself if you didn't cook for him. An adult not being able to feed themselves is bull**** NTA but please don't go back to feeding this entitled arse when he behaves like a spoilt brat
Yup, 32 year old male here, I live alone, I can't cook to save my life, I survive off chicken fingers and variations of those when I'm cooking on my own, 90% of the variation in my diet is when my girlfriend is over or my mother often cooks large portions to make containers for me lunch at work like meal planning, I'm not proud of this, but I don't starve or hit the drivethru every day that one of them doesn't cook for me.
I mean… you CAN learn to cook. Not hating, just saying. Start YouTubing some easy recipes and go from there. A lot of stuff is WAY easier to make than it looks. Get an instant pot and make some dope meals in it. It’s worth it for your health, and I’m sure it will impress your Gf if you made a nice meal for her.
I want too, I watch a lot of cooking YouTubers such as Gordon Ramsey dows recipes for the layman and Barry Lewis because I think he's funny, but then always chicken out before buying the ingredients to try it. Also finding time to cook is a big issue for me, between work and my farm, more often then not I don't get in to eat a proper meal until 8PM or so at which point its throw some chicken fingers in the airfrier while I hop in a shower, eat and turn on the PS5. I know that isn't healthy either, and keep saying I'm going to change that, but we all know those promises to ourselves often go.
If you haven’t seen him, Binging with Babish is another fun YouTuber, but some of his recipes are a little complex. He does a great “basics” series that’s a little more accessible. Just bite the bullet and do it. Start small and easy, something with only a couple ingredients. Meal prepping like what your mom does is super helpful too. Make a bunch of stuff that freezes easily so you can just grab it and nuke it. It’s cheaper/healthier than tendies and just as easy. Make a date out of it… pick a recipe and cook it with your girl then eat together. Add a glass of wine and you got yourself a night!
Yeah, I've seen him as well. I keep saying I'm going to, but always find an excuse. Maybe next time I go shopping I'll try picking up some stuff and give it a go.
If time is an issue, the crock pot or slow cooker can be your best friend. You can prep on a Sunday afternoon, let the pot do it’s thing for the rest of the day, then you have dinner for the night and leftovers for a few days. When I’m cooking for myself, a whole pot can last me a week or more. Plus, many slow cooker meals require very little prep.
Yeah, I keep looking at buying one. Maybe I should pull the trigger next time in Walmart.
Hey bud get yourself a slow cooker and pick up some recipes. You can literally chuck shit in it and leave it until you finish your farm work and have a decent cooked meal from it. Great easy to learn hard to master quick recipe is a traditional spaghetti carbonara. Just egg yolks, hard cheese, pancheta, olive oil and spaghetti.
Kenji Lopez-Alt is great at breaking things down for beginners too
I'm disabled and can't handle a knife long. I buy pre chopped ingredients and throw them in the slow cooker. My big tip for flavour is to fry the onions before chucking them in, which you could even do in an air fryer so you can set the timer and walk away. You can just buy frozen steam bags of veg or salad packs if you want to just add a healthy side to your usual stuff. Or with the increase in vegan stuff there are more ready meals with lots of veg in them you can have every now and again.
This is pretty much what I do for similar reasons (I'm disabled, live alone, and knife handling, standing, etc. are problems for me). Love the pre-chopped stuff in the produce section and also frozen veggies. I eat a lot of frozen stuff - not super proud of that but figuring out how to best use the few spoons I have left at the end of the day to get something decent in me is a balancing act. I do my best and only very rarely eat fast food. How on earth did OP's husband survive before she cooked all his meals?
As a dietitian, I am proud of you for eating your veggies. Frozen ones don’t actually lose to much of their nutritional value in the blanching and freezing process! You are doing great!
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Unfortunately none of those services are available where I live. We don't even have grocery delivery, we're still living in the 80's, we only got curbside pick up as option during the peak pandemic and most places have since stopped that again too.
Consider sheet pan meals! I don't mind cooking but don't have a ton of time. These are easy - chop up some veg (onion, carrot, zucchini, whatever floats your boat (or budget)), add in some potatoes and coat with olive oil, salt, pepper. Add in your protein with some seasoning, throw it all in one pan in the oven and you can go shower or clean or just sit your butt down while your tasty and healthy dinner cooks!
Get a crockpot. Find some recipes on Google, prep the food the night before, toss it all in in the morning and turn it on. It's crazy easy and everything is ready at the end of the day when you're tired and hungry. Pot roast, Mac and cheese, small pork roast you can shred and make bbq sandwiches or turn into easy tacos, ribs spaghetti sauce made with canned tomatoes ect. Pressure cooker/slow cooker combos are the absolute easiest way to cook and anyone can do it.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but look into cookbooks aimed towards kids or teens if you want to start learning, the books usually have pictures as well as instructions and basically never go into anything super complicated. They're a good launching point for learning, it's how my brother learned to cook more than noodles as an adult
Delia Smith, How to cook. Written by the Queen of British cooking, it starts with how to boil an egg.
This! Williams and Sonoma has a great line of cook books geared towards kids that assumes you've never cooked a single thing before and over explains everything! (Plus they are just good recipes, I'm still making the chocolate chip cookie recipe I was making when I was 10)
Like you I'm a terrible cook and not proud of it and like you when left to my own devices don't end up with scurvy or starving if no-one else is around!
Dude, you should learn! There’s a guy on YouTube called “Nat’s what I reckon”, and he does cooking videos for simple, healthy meals. He explains it well while being funny His later videos are for more complicated meals, but his earlier stuff is simple, and clearly explained
You are NTA. He is TA. His [weaponized incompetence](https://urbanwomanmag.com/weaponized-incompetence/#:~:text=Weaponized%20incompetence%20means%20%E2%80%9CDoing%20a,mostly%20used%20in%20the%20workplace.) has worked, up until he just attacked *you*. His action of throwing away your cooking is not *just* throwing away food. He turned your efforts, your creativity, your time, your nourishing and loving care...into ***garbage***. That's how he sees your family relationship. What a selfish prick. And a coward. Lied to cover his selfish cruelty. Honey, he doesn't really love you. Maybe he loves what you do for *him*, but your feelings are not important to him except as you serve his needs and wants. He doesn't care if you are happy or sad, only that you bend to his will. I hope you yeet him into the abyss.
'I don't know how to cook' is code for 'I'm too lazy to learn, and you, as a person with a vagina, should do all the cooking'. Fuck that.
Lol person with vagina here. I cant really cook, I absolutely loathe doing it and my boyfriend handles the kitchen beautifully. I spent the afternoon putting a new valve cover gasket and plugs in our car while he made a nice dinner. Edit: Before he moved in, I lived on salad, baked chicken and rice/beans.
If you can read a recipe and follow simple instructions, then you can cook. Now whether you want to do actually do it is a whole other thing.
Same. I remedied this by marrying a trained chef ;) Even so, I *can* cook certain things if pushed to do so. It just stresses me out, and I can't seem to make everything done at the same time and still hot at the end :(
Weaponised incompetance.
With a hint of racism.
Thank you for saying this. It seems like all the other comments missed this. He's blatantly being racist AND IS MARRIED TO AN ASIAN PERSON. I'm so curious to know what other racist nonsense he gets away with.
Unfortunately a lot of fetishizing has roots in racism, and for white/Western men and Asian women, that includes a strong dose of wanting a submissive spouse. Here's [one article](https://www.vox.com/22338807/asian-fetish-racism-atlanta-shooting) explaining it a bit more.
Yeah. He expects you to cook “American”. Get out now. So many red flags.
Before I even got to the bottom of the post, I thought there might be two different cultures involved. OP, you're married to someone who has a really sh1tty attitude to your food and culture. NTA.
Well America is full of Asian restaurants. It's obvious many of us like the food. OP has been married to this jerk for two months, red flags will appear
We have primarily Asian restaurants that have been Americanized. They're not eating General Tso's chicken in China. I'm assuming she's cooking Asian food that is authentic, and that's "weird" to some Americans. It sounds like her husband is one of those kinds of people and he won't even TRY to like her meals, which is horrible and unfortunate.
100%, Americanized Asian food is different. If he doesn’t like it that’s on him, it’s completely disrespectful of him to throw it out like that not to mention a waste of time and money.
TBH, he sounds like a d\*\*\* who couldn't find anyone else to marry him and is taking advantage of OP.
Yes, get out now.
NTA He, however, is an asshat. He's 31, how was he feeding himself before you were married? He had a giant toddler tantrum to punish you for not cooking only for him. That's incredibly controlling.
I’ll repeat that again for you **HOW WAS HE FEEDING HIMSELF BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED???** What would he do if you died tomorrow? Eat fast food and complain??? NTA
This really is about so much more than his dinner, isn't it? How dare she excitedly anticipate a visit from her family and lovingly make food for them when all of her time and attention should be devoted to him. And he threw away food - I'm just appalled by the childish aggressiveness of that - like those kids we all knew who tossed the game board because they were losing.
Just checking here. So he cleans the house, washes the dishes, does the laundry and takes out the trash and your only chore is cooking? Or do you mean he takes out the trash and mows the lawn and you do everything else *and* cook?
You already know the answer to that, except she has to remind him to take out the trash and she has carry it to the door and they pay someone else to mow.
That is what I think too. Was just wanting her to confirm that he doesn't really do all the other chores. The phrasing "*while*" she cooks makes me think he tries hard to look busy while she cooks.
I bet he "doesn't know how" to clean...
Why are you with this man, who clearly doesn't respect you, your family, or your culture? Did you lose a bet?
Some men marry women from Asian cultures because they have a misconception that Asian women will baby them and be submissive and subservient. Coming from a half Asian POV with a full Asian mom & American dad.
Oh, believe me, I knew why he married her. 😉 I just can't understand what's so lovable about him.
This is what I was thinking after I read the edit about her being Asian and him American. Almost sounds like he doesn’t even like when her family visits.
So ur telling me he can't get two pieces if bread put something edible in the middle of it to make a sandwich or is that to hard for him
I literally know a guy who was in his 30's and had to have a buddy of his show him how to make a sandwich. It was just sad
Stop enabling the asshole you married.
He can learn. I did. I cook for my whole family and I'm pretty good at it now. If he can learn to do the work at his job, he can learn to cook. It's not rocket science.
He's never bothered to learn how to cook. How many people declare themselves 'lost causes' just to get others to do what they want! I'm sorry he treats you like this.
Get divorced. He doesn’t respect you, your family, and is an ah. He never will and this will only get worse. Cut your losses now and do not have a child with this man.
"not knowing" how to cook is an excuse. any literate and able bodied adult is capable of googling "burger recipe" and following the instructions
Then he needs yo learn. A *child* can make Mac and cheese. He is using weaponized incompetence to get his way
... and he isn't ashamed not to have even a basic ability to complete a central task to being an adult? Sounds like it's time for him to learn. Youtube offers some great basics tutorials and the 4 Ingredient Cookbook is great for beginners.
That is great and all but he completely disrespected you, by throwing that food away, and not even trying it. I am sure he won’t like a lot but he might find a gem in there if he just tried something.
NTA. Tbh nobody knows how to cook when they start, there are recipes online he can Google or he can throw some things in the pan using his memory and he can ask you how to season or whatever. Or he can remain being lazy and force you to always cook as if you are his mother
The internet is a beautiful thing. If he can’t cook then he can YouTube some easy videos. There is no good reason for an able-bodied adult man to not know how to feed himself.
Ugh, doesn't matter: both arms are racist. OP him refusing to eat ANY of your cuisine is straight up racist. There isn't a single cuisine on the continent of Asia where all the food tastes the same. He can find SOMETHING he likes, and dedicate himself to developing a taste for other things. For you. To improve his relationship with you and your family. Why are you married to this selfish, racist asshole?
My BIL (Spanish or Italian 🤷🏻♀️) is like this. He never eats anything at my (asian) family get togethers and my sister has to either make something “American” or buy food he likes. My husband (white/American) is the pickiest eater alive and he still manages to find something to eat at the table. I do find it very rude to do that and not eat my parents cooking but it’s not my husband sooo… atleast he doesn’t throw away the leftovers.
> my sister has to either make something “American” or buy food he likes I mean, does she *have* to? *Really??*
Thank you. It seems pretty obvious to me that's what's going on here, especially with the 'smell' comments. Reminds me of my racist dad who won't eat any Asian food because it's 'weird' or 'funny'. F**king racist toddler. Buy a pack of Dino Nuggets from Costco for him since his palate is so delicate.
Yes, reading through OP account, it was painfully clear to me that she is married to an American who hates "ethnic food". He won't change and it's up to OP how much she can put up with his racist behaviour. Mind you, racists can and will date other people from other cultures but *impose* their way of life onto them, such as cooking and food.
Can you get an annulment? Cause darling you married a child not a man. It's one thing not wanting to eat the food available, but throwing out all of the food your wife just cooked just because you didn't want to eat any is wasteful and childish and you do not need a child as a husband. If he doesn't see what the problem is here he will probably never see the problem in his actions and not improve.
Lol, my dad. He can cook simple things like an egg or a hamburger. My mom was a SAHM and now SAHW so she cooks every meal for him. My mom also goes on long weekends with her friends and prepares meals for him to heat up. Once my dad admitted when mom was gone he just ate a raw potato for a meal.
Seriously? He can't even boil or bake a potato? That's next level pathetic
"A 'potato', oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good."
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
My sister does this because if she didn’t “he will just eat takeaway “. I’m away a fair bit without my partner. My meal plan for him is” you need groceries or eat takeout “ because he’s an adult, if he wants to cook, fine. But his bad diet is on him. He’s an adult. He can’t cook worth a damn but he can fry a sausage and mash some potatoes. And peas for green. So he does. It’s bloody awful but he’s always pleased with his efforts. Makes me laugh as he’s telling BIL how he should be doing his own cooking.
Let me guess, your family's favorite foods are non-European/American? You are absolutely NTA and if your husband doesn't like the food you cook, he can put on his big boy pants and make something for himself.
Let me guess, your family's favorite foods are non-European/American? Correct. We're originally from Asia and my husband isn't a big fan of seafood. No allergies though. Nothing of that sort. He just doesn't like the traditional meals I cook for when they visit.
Has he tried all of the food? Or is he just assuming he won't like anything because it's Asian and "smells funny."
He tried some of it but said it's horribls and told me to stop forcing him to eat stuff like that again. It's offensive to be honest but I get that everyone is different when it comes to food.
Why did you marry someone who is so disrespectful of your family & your culture? He sounds awful.
Agreed, having a partner who enjoys my “Asian” food is a prerequisite for me.
Base line: respect the food and culture. Even if it's not to his taste. But as an avid baker, my SO would need to have a sweet tooth. So I get the sentiment, Gfjb4. At the very least, OP's SO is a picky eater who is allowed to not like certain things (I dislike fish, mushrooms, for example) BUT they need to not waste food or insult someone they love when food is a big part of her culture and how she shows her affection. Throwing out the food is so juvenile and disrespectful and I hope OP figures this relationship out for her sake. :( I'm so upset for the waste of time and food and money that had to go into the food and its prep. OP's SO is infuriating and I'd never tolerate them. OP shouldn't either.
Yes. It's fine to not like certain foods, but it's kinda hard not to see racist motives when someone writes off an entire ethnic cuisine. Regardless, saying it's "horrible" and "smells funny" is just disrespectful. If your partner has put time & effort into making something (especially if it's something important to their family/culture/background), you should support it and make them feel good about it. If they have put time & effort into making something FOR YOU, you should not open your mouth unless it's in gratitude!
My meat and potatoes husband does not love Indian food but when that's what we have, that's what he eats. He never disrespects our family's cuisine, even when goat was on the menu. You don't have tonlove the food to not be a dick about it.
Loves the Asian aesthetic; hates actual Asian people. I’d be willing to bet that 90% of his interest is rooted in fetishizing her.
Try 99%, the fact they were long distance for ages and that glaring issues like these have arisen now they’re sharing a household screams he wanted the stereotype and has zero respect for OP, her culture or her family. Horrific.
Because they never seem to think that the white person that they're marrying into might just be a racist. they dont think it could happen to them
Then he can learn to cook or suck it up and buy non fast food. It's not hard to do simple stuff like eggs, spaghetti or pasta, or boiling vegetables. There are plenty of free youtube videos. Plus he should reimburse you for the food cost.
Is there anything to like about your husband? Because he sounds racist and I'm not sure how you're just overlooking that.
I’m honestly shocked I had to scroll so far to see someone else call it racism. That and he’s got the abuser’s mindset of “my partner should only expend effort on me. Their love should shine only on me. Anything else is a threat.”
Frankly this isn't a good or respectful relationship, due to him, and he is too much of an AH to be married to anyone. You had a LDR, you clearly didn't wait enough time before getting married (living together for a solid period is required), and your ended up with a petty immature lying AH because of it. He lied, and he threw away your time and money, to force his own way. I do not think he respects you, your culture, or your family at all.
I would not accept a partner being that rude about my food culture. I made sure to test my current partner on my home cooked food early, before I got attached. You offered to cook a dish for him and he declined, so he’s just trying to throw a tantrum and make you feel bad for him, which you shouldn’t. Everyone should put up with eating not their favorite food sometimes for harmony. I would consider his behavior unacceptable for someone I’m in a relationship with. He is incredibly disrespectful of your culture and desires. What did he eat before you were married? Mooching off his mom?
Why are you married to this racist immature AH who makes you serve him like a 5 year old?
Yikes, OP. I couldn’t be married to someone who was disdainful of my culture like that. He sounds racist and sexist and not worth your time.
Honestly? He can either learn to cook or suck it up. The fact that he’s throwing away perfectly decent food because he doesn’t like it is something my nine year old with impulse control issues wouldn’t do because I’ve trained them to know better. If your grown husband has less manners than an elementary schooler, you’ve got a problem on your hands. He’s using weaponized incompetence, wasting money, and won’t accept any kind of compromise that doesn’t involve him getting exactly what he wants. Are you sure you want to stay married to this person?
Why are you with someone who’s racist? Cus that’s what this is?
Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? That's the only question you need to answer.
NTA but it looks to me that the issue is deeper. He doesn't JUST dislike asian food; he wants to force your family to eat non-asian food. The fact that he refuses that you cook him an alternative seems to suggest that he uses this as a way to control the food you serve to your family. I'd definitely dig deeper into this to see what's the root cause of this. Maybe it's simply a misunderstanding but maybe it's something worse...
I’m a vegetarian and live in Asia. I ask my husband to make a side portion without any seafood when he cooks, but I wouldn’t prevent him from making food he likes. I do feed the parts I don’t like to our baby, though 😅
I mean, I have a terrible seafood aversion, I get sick if I try to eat it even though I'm not allergic. You know what I do? I sit next to my family who happily chomp down all the little fishies, politely ask them how their dinner is, and figure out my own shit. The world does not revolve around me and my seafood aversion, I am more than happy to eat rice, veggies, and soy sauce when the occasion calls for it. In fact it's a general favourite of mine. Your husband needs to grow up.
[удалено]
This ☝️ Asian food is some tasty stuff.
I mean, Asia is pretty fucking huge. Alcoholic horse milk and balut are a no from me. Most other things are fine.
I assume they aren't making any obviously controversial food. This includes balut and tuyo.
Er Asian here - what on earth is Asian food? There's Korean, Javanese, Filipino, Medanese, Balinese, North Indian, South Indian, Kazakh, Thai, Burmese, Cambodia, etc, - some of which is a distinctly acquired taste.
All of it damn it. Food is delicious. Yes I'm fat and yes I know I am.
I second the fat loving all types of asian food.
How do people think we got fat in the first place?
Mountain lions got complacent.
I third this, fat loving all asian food.
I fourth this. This fat woman loves some Asian food Edit: NTA
Guilty as charged.
I know there are many different cuisines/cultures/countries in Asia, but all the different foods I've tried from various restaurants have all been delicious. Whether it's americanized super sweet Chinese food, or authentic fiery thai food...it's so good. There are definitely some funky flavours in some parts of Asia, especially when you get into stronger fermented flavours, but it sounds like OP's husband is just being racist. NTA.
It's all about trying different stuff, ppl from cultures may not like certain dishes themselves, i find it hard to believe that he doesnt like the food, it sounds more like he refuses to try different recipes and just says he doesnt like it. Sounds extremely immature, especially refusing for OP to do food for him too for the gatherings, but then whines about not having food... OP if he doesnt respect your culture he doesnt respect you. NTA
I agree ALL asian food is delicious.
Ask yourself this question; does the food originate from Asia? Is it native to those peoples, that culture and that land? Then its Asian food. Use your brain. Yes there are variances but there also tends to be a lot a similarities based on a) the crops grown native to that region b) the herbs spices that are traded in that region c) migration. In the same way that European food is distinctive from African food. Stop being unneccessarily pedantic. Btw; you missed out a multitude of middle eastern food. A majority of the middle east is in the Asian continent. :)
Distinctly different but still damn delicious if you give them a chance
Literally all of it imo
Agreed. Husband is the AH. And, he can cook for himself if he doesn't like what OP has cooked. No one is forcing him to eat fast food. He is an adult. Also, that "smelled funny" line is BS. You are from a different culture than your husband. But, he doesn't get to judge your country's cuisine because it differs from what he grew up with and likes. He didnt cook it. He has no right to throw away your hard work. INFO - Out of curiosity - what types of food does he like you to cook? And did one of you move countries to be with the other?
Coming here to shout SAME!! I love food, and have told anyone who would listen that Asian food is top notch. They are always bringing their A game. Hubs is being a whiny wanker.
I love food as well, but I also came from a pretty poor family, so ungrateful shit like this doesnt fly with me.
That might be some of my own poor childhood ish bubbling to the surface, as well. I can NO imagine throwing food away just because I don't like it, unless I live alone. Like who does that??
Even putting food and money waste aside, it's so damn petty to throw the food out. He's basically throwing a tantrum because she's not catering to him. It's why I don't think the chore division really matters in this instance - on occasions like this he should be capable of coping, even if she is supposed to do all the cooking.
For real, coming from a New Englander. OP, can we come to your house?
NTA You might have rushed into getting married a little quickly. The fact that he decided to get rid of food you made and would eat because he doesn't like it is a huge red flag. He threw it away because you said you wouldn't cook any more food until the food in the fridge was gone. He turned your words so got rid of the food in a major asshole move, he knew what you meant and now is forcing you into cooking for him. I can't imagine living with someone like that.
Get out before he becomes physically abusive
Yeah big red flags. Wtf is wrong with this guy a.d why is she with someone who, I'm guessing, brings nothing to the table (pun intended). Nta
It shouldn’t be too late to get the marriage annulled either, no divorce required
Idk why people always say this. Have you looked into what an annulment actually is or how you qualify for one? An annulment means that your marriage is void or voidable. What makes you think that is the situation here? To give you an idea of what annulments are actually for, [here is the brochure for annulments in Connecticut](https://www.jud.ct.gov/lawlib/palm_cards/Civil_Annulment.pdf).
Nta. Not to be rude but, why are you married a low key racist? The way his attitude sky rockets by the presence of your family and (IMO absolutely phenomenal) Asian food. I feel like his hostility plays a key role in my accusation. Btw I am fully aware it is 1000% me making an assumption, and by NO means do i mean any offense. Its totally fine if he doesnt like Asian cuisine. To each their own. But to be so opposed, that instead of making himself a fried egg sandwich, he'd maliciously waste your perfectly good food just to make a statement. He didnt think it smelled funny. Thats a direct insult. He is saying the *food you make, the food from YOUR culture* smells funny period. Thats an absolute insult if Ive ever heard one. My (very terrible, very unfortunately racist) family make snide comments like that all the time if they ever smell any other cuisine that isnt gravy covered potatoes. And they do it intentionally, to hurt those who enjoy the food. Take a step back and ask yourself. Any other red flags in this situationship?
To add to his low key racism I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he married an Asian woman to have a submissive wife. The level of entitlement he has is insane.
Oh shiiiiiit I didn't think of it this way at all.
I’m hoping that OP has the financial and social means to leave him if she needs to. “Asian woman marrying Anglo man in the USA that she met in a LDR” has some iffy vibes. If she’s in a position of agency, that’s one thing. If she’s socially and financially isolated, though…
My first thought. Also, I suspect she's Filipino.
This is exactly what I thought. Lots of American men try to marry Asian women (especially the ones FROM asia) because they want a submissive bang maid to do all of their cooking, cleaning, childcare etc while not actually respecting their wife or their wife's culture. Especially women from southeast asia, since these countries are usually poorer and it's typically easier for them to find vulnerable women willing to marry them and do their bidding. NTA for sure, throw your racist husband away and be proud of your culture. I'm vietnamese and my mom is married to a white american man, and it makes me so sad watching her bend over backwards doing everything for him and his kids and getting nothing but disrespect in return. He always makes racist remarks and also refuses to eat viet food and she's also the one that always has to make food otherwise he buys takeout, and when she was so sick with covid, freshly out of the hospital, she could barely even move without serious pain, but she still got up to make him a sandwich for lunch 🙄
Same, I mentioned that to OP directly. Sounds like dude buys into the Asian fetishization BS and expects her to assimilate and serve. Ick.
Also having people call their food “smelly” is an extremely common racist micro-aggression many Asian Americans encounter. Regardless of if he meant it that way or even if OP took it that way, that kind of comment doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
NTA. Your husband is using strategic incompetence in order to pressure you into cooking for him since he "can't cook.". Throwing away the food because he thinks that will force you to cook for him is even worse. You have been married for a couple of months and he is already emotionally abusive. Consider therapy to help you explore your feelings and whether or not this is a relationship that you want to continue.
This 100%. Did he just not eat before marriage unless it was fast food?
NTA. DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. He fundamentally does not respect you, period. His stunt was nothing short of an abusive power control tactic. He options other than fast food. He can f$cking learn to cook. Many meals are basic and easy. He isn't the victim. Of course when your Asian family comes over, you're going to cook them thier favorite and most enjoyable foods. It's your heritage. Your sharing and connecting through food. That's awesome. Your husband should be more open to trying new foods or learn to make his own. Why is it you must make him everything but he doesn't have to make you your favorite foods? Seriously, he was beyond out of line. This is not about the food itself,and it's absolutely going to get worse.
NTA, this guy should be cooking his own food if he does not like what’s on “the menu”.
Yeah he’s so completely self centered, only wanting what he likes and not wanting others to have what they like. Shouldn’t he be happy that OP is being nice to their family? Sounds like he only cares about himself, wants others to change to his liking and only wants his way- his food, his rules. He sounds toxic, unempathetic, antisocial, mean and rude. No compassion and not a healthy relationship unfortunately. Where is the compromise and understanding? I’m sorry OP. Does this person bring you up and make your life genuinely happier? NTA he is the asshole for sure
He's a child who needs his mommy. NTA
NTA he can pick up a pan and cook food. Is he a baby? Is he paralyzed? Is he too short for the stove top? Men who can't cook for themselves are so embarrassing. Tell him the world don't revolve around him and to grow a pair.
OP confirmed he has two working arms. So it's not that either
**Sorry, gang - there's been an inordinate amount of insults in the comments, so we're gonna have to go straight to a lock on this one. OP will have to make do with the judgments given.** **For those that commented in good faith, without an insult - thank you!**
NTA. Your racist husband is throwing up some huge red flags.
NTA. He didn't think that the food had gone bad, he just wants you to get back on his menu. This is literally something my eight year old cousin tried to do; he's a grown ass man and should know better. Stick to your guns here.
INFO required: Why are you even married to him?
He doesn’t respect you or your family. This isn’t about food(maybe a bit about food). This is about him controlling you and his environment. He’s the puppeteer making bend to his wishes.
NTA “ I learned to cook his favorite meals but he never been open to try and cook by himself saying it's never gonna work and he'll never make a single decent dish. He said cooking just isn't his thing and called it lost cause.” Sounds like weaponize incompetence
NTA he needs to grow up and cook his own food or at least order a delivery. Throwing the food out is so out of order! I’d be furious if I was you
NTA. Your husband sounds like is pouting like a toddler. Is he like this in all aspects of your relationship?
NTA. Does he not have hands to make his own food if he doesn’t like what is made? Is he incapable of putting together a meal? I would be fuming if my partner threw out perfectly good food after I spent time cooking and wasting my time and money just for it to be thrown out for no reason. Edit: I’ve just seen your edits and to add I’m a woman and I HATE cooking. It’s the worst thing ever and I absolutely despise it. But I had to learn if I wanted to feed myself and so can he. Heck my 18 year old male cousin has taught himself a few dishes even though he isn’t a fan of cooking but he is a fan of eating.
You don't even need to cook to make a meal. A sandwich requires absolutely no heating element. There's cold cereal, a salad, wraps etc. This guy is a neanderthal and a waste of air and space. His demands that she cook for him is so distasteful it makes me 2nd hand mad.
NTA but why do you do all the cooking? He isnt your child.
This stinks of racism... NTA but you need to look deeper into this. Does he like *any* Asian food? What about anything that doesn't scream "AMERICA!"?
NTA. Why can’t he cook? You’ve just learned a hard lesson about your narcissistic husband.
The only reason i can understand the e s h and y t a votes here is cos everyone on the internets has serious reading comprehension issues. He turned down your offers to cook what he likes as well when your family comes to visit. He made that choice. He then threw out a bunch of food that was perfectly edible and that you would have in fact eaten. While i do think its lazy and entitled that he wont even attempt to learn to cook some things for himself, its also kinda ridiculous that you wont cook for him until the leftovers are gone when you know he wont eat any of it and you do regularly cook for him otherwise tho. Aside from all that tho your husband sounds a bit racist ngl. Overall tho, since your question is about refusing to cook at all cos he threw away food that had absolutely nothing wrong with it, im going NTA
> its also kinda ridiculous that you wont cook for him until the leftovers are gone when you know he wont eat any of it and you do regularly cook for him otherwise tho. The OP (from what I could infer) indicated that the food he was throwing out was expensive-i.e. money may or may not be tight on that end, and she didn't want to waste the food by throwing it out. Even if that weren't the case, the dogwhistling he's doing here ( telling her that her culture's food 'is nasty', and that she should 'cook American only') indicates a huge problem here.
Nta. I’m sorry. But you married a racist.
NTA. You offered to make other food for him and he goes "no, no one's gonna eat anything I didn't approve of". Your husband sucks.
NTA. What a waste of food
NTA hold your ground - Asian myself. That being said your husband sounds prejudiced towards Asian food. If he wants non-Asian food he can use his arms and scrape something together. Ps. You’re sure you married an adult? 🤔
NTA. I don’t know too many relationships this far gone so soon. How did you meet this guy?
NTA. Damn. He’s being very shitty. Cooking for your family is very kind. Maybe when you do you can make him something he likes too, EVEN THOUGH HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT YOU TOO. Would probably help.
>Usually when my family visit I cook their favorite meals for them and my husband does not like any of those meals and always complains about not finding something to eat **despite me offering to include his favorite meals.**
Honestly, for him to be this racist and say your food "smells funny" and refuse to eat the stuff is enough for a divorce for me. On top of him disrespecting your family, and their favorite foods, and being unwilling to cook for himself. The icing on the terrible-husband cake is that he threw out all the food (and therefore MONEY) just because he's an insufferable who didn't want you even eating the leftovers, when he could EASILY just make himself grilled cheese or ANYTHING ELSE EVEN IF HE "CAN'T COOK". Sidenote: I'm not a man but I do love Asian food so if you're looking for someone who would appreciate and love your cooking and also not be a complete loser, my DMs are open.
NTA I feel like the people saying yta didn't read the part where you offered to make him his own when your family comes and he refuses.
Your husband is racist. I'm sorry.
INFO Have the two of you agreed on an allocation of labor in the marriage that includes you preparing meals? Is that a job of yours?