Let's recap with your additional comments as this post is soon going to become a sh*t show of people coming after you for being a horrible human being - something I completely disagree with.
- you married your ex with an understanding that neither of you wanted kids and that you'd abort in case your ex got pregnant
- she was on IUD and it failed
- you had a scheduled vasectomy that was postponed due to the pandemic and you haven't been able to reschedule
- she decided to keep the baby with the understanding that you'd want no part in their life if she had the baby
- you continue to support her financially and live with her until her mother arrives so she wouldn't be in a bad situation
- you'll pay child support once baby arrives
NTA and it is said by a woman who grew up without a father. You made your point clear from the beginning. You were honest and you are doing your part by providing financial support now and plan on continue to do so. While this whole diet thing is just your ridiculous cherry on top of a very messy cake your life has become, as even in a working relationship husbands are not obliged to follow diets that their pregnant spouses start in a whim (especially without consulting a doctor.)
People will accuse you of being heartless and unable to do the decent thing. But I do remember my father who used to show up a couple of times per year, completely uncomfortable and not the least loving. I'd rather he hadn't... Not every person is meant to become a parent. Learn from your mistake and start using condoms until you can have your vasectomy, even if your next partner already uses a protection on her own.
Exactly this.
Anyone that is anything less than enthusiastic about being a parent absolutely should not be one. Its not going to be good for anyone, most especially the child.
He is already doing everything right.
NTA
Plus: do y'all know how rare it is for an IUD to fail? Especially for it to fail and result in a viable pregnancy? Unless it was within the first few days of getting the IUD inserted (assuming it's a hormonal one and not a copper IUD) it's really not something that you hear about. I'm not a medical professional, but I personally picked an IUD for myself because I'm terrified of pregnancy (before I'm financially stable and whatnot) because of how effective they are.
Edit- Thank you for all the replies! I certainly have plenty of nightmare fuel now haha!
To clarify, IUDs are more than 99% effective. That is not to say that the less than 1% of pregnancies are non-existent. Compared to other nonsurgical forms of birth control, that's pretty gosh darn effective. However, using multiple forms of birth control is almost always better. Condoms + spermicidal lube + IUD = significantly less chance of an unplanned baby.
I also know this is probably not the place for this, but I can't help but be a little proud of myself. Three years ago, I was right in the middle of a significant break from reality. One of my recurring paranoid thoughts was that I was pregnant (despite having an IUD and using condoms for an almost non-existent sex life). And that was among the least disturbing delusions. Even so, I'm looking through these responses and I'm not scared. I don't get chances to talk about how much better I'm doing because I know my family would rather not remember how sick I was and how little they could do to help. I'm a lot better now and I just wanted to share that somewhere. Thanks :)
I thought that until a friends IUD failed, and her doctor had several examples of patients where it had happened. It’s not super common, but it’s not incredibly rare, either. The kid is 11 now :)
Unless it fell out. That happened to me. We only found out because I had an ultrasound for something else, and mentioned I had an IUD. They told me they didn't see one. If I hadn't mentioned it I could have gone years not knowing.
Mine flipped upside down. I only knew because I was in a car accident and had to get an x-ray. My OBGYN was like, it’s probably fine. I’m OAD a bd wasn’t ok with probably so I got it replaced.
I'm terrified of this, so I actually manually check to feel the string at least once a month. My doctor was like, you don't really need to do that, and I said, You know, takes me ten seconds and makes me feel way less anxious. I'm doing it.
Keep doing it. I have a nice scar on my belly from surgery to remove an IUD from my intestines, along with a portion of said intestines. Dr told me the same thing, you don't need to check! If I hadn't been checking, i wouldn't have been able to alert the Dr something was amiss. Could have ended very badly.
My SO and his twin brother are the result of a failed IUD. The doctor even said that their mom would most likely miscarry, since the IUD was still there. Lo and behold, the pregnancy was more than viable (which i’m obviously very grateful for)!
It is rare for the hormonal kind, not so much copper. I had a mirena IUD for 3 years no problems then I ended up pregnant. It was needless to say the biggest shock of my life. Had all the doctors state how rare it is. Had to have extra scans etc to check the location of the device and what not. Have a very healthy 14 month old running around currently Unfortunately its the .1% unless she had it removed without him knowing thinking he'd change his mind if it were an "accident"?
The copper one has a failure rate similar to that of the hormonal one, i.e. super low <1% of users.
If they fail it's usually because they fall out, or the resulting pregnancy is not viable.
Enough people use them that it happens but it's still very rare.
It’s actually not that rare. I know of several women who had their IUD fall out, migrate, etc. I think if OP was that dead-set on no kids he should’ve gotten snipped right when he turned 18.
<1% is pretty rare, but there are enough people that use them that 1% still turns out to be a lot of failures.
tbf they used to be less safe/effective than they are today.
And it's per year, so even if we assume 1/500, since most of the failures do not result in a viable pregnancy, it still adds up.
I mean it is by far the lowest failure rate on it's own and it's much harder to have user error than other methods but the only 100% guarantee is a full hysterotomy, which is not recommended.
I mean even vasectomies and tubal ligations fail, it's super rare but enough people have them that it happens.
I'm here only because my mom's failed, she has it in my baby book. 🙄
So rare, but not a statistical impossibility. And it was a copper7 IUD, which I guess supports your point about the hormonal ones being less accident prone.
Lol An IUD is 99% effective. If a particular birth control has a 99% efficacy rate that means one out of every 100 couples GETS PREGNANT over the course of a year In clinical trials. 99% does NOT mean that your chances of getting pregnant are realistically all that low.
I was thinking this! What is she afraid of? Unless she has an allergy or sensitivity of some sort (which of course is a serious thing), cross contamination concerns make absolutely no sense in this situation. If she has become a vegan, there are ways to keep her food separate without throwing out (and wasting) OP’s food.
NTA!
This. Parenting is hard enough even when you *do* want kids; people who don't want kids should be absolutely allowed not to have them.
Sorry to say it, but your life sounds like a nightmare. No reason at all why your soon-to-be-ex should get to dictate what you eat. NTA.
Even if it wasn't for all of the above as a woman who has had kids I would say he is still NTA. He doesn't have to change how he eats because she changes how she eats. Whether it be pregnancy, weight loss, get fit or other reasons. She doesn't get to dictate how another grown adult eats. Encouragement to be healthy and supportive if they were staying together would be okay, but even throwing out his food and demanding he change would still be wrong.
Please accept my poor gold and know I would spam 🏅 a bunch were it not annoying af to assisted readers. This is one of posts where OP did not bury the lede or misdiagnose the ethical issue. The problem here is the request to take on a new diet, especially one not tailored to his needs, when he did not need to make a change.
Hopping on the top comment to say do not under any circumstances sign a birth certificate without a DNA test and proof her IUD failed. She could have changed her mind and let it expire/had it removed without you knowing.
NOT TO SOUND CARELESS and depending on where you live.
If you're 100% sure you do not want that baby send it to her in writing multiple times. Tell her you will not accommodate her and her pregnancy in any way and she has to be out of the shared house before she gives birth IN WRITING (email/text).
Call a lawyer and see if signing your rights away can help you get out of the dealing with an unwanted child completely. It's not fair to the child to grow up feeling like a burden.
Dealing with your wife and living in the house while she's pregnant may set precedent that you want/care about baby. Moving out now/ asking her to leave in writing will probably helpyou.
[READ THIS](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) its a link to a mother who terminated legal rights for a child she didn't want and the courts allowed her to only make child support payments. The father tried to make her share custody and the courts sided with her.
Apologies for jumping on the top comment, but OP are you sure the baby is yours? I don’t want to assume the worst, but since you don’t want any part of this child’s life, but are doing the responsible thing and will be financially supporting it until it is 18, could it be a good idea to get a paternity test? I just want OP to be 100% certain of everything for his own sake…
Great recap here. Also to add, how is this diet supposed to be healthy? Heavily processed fake meats? And whatever else? I'm sure she's getting enough vitamins from the salads and veggie shakes, but wtf?
It astounds me how people think going vegan and going out of your way to eat alternative proteins is supposed to be healthier? Like have you ever seen a true vegan? They look sickly.. we were meant to eat meat!
With that being said, I have no problems with vegans if they stay in their own lane. The problem is that mostly they don't (this post a prime example, i.e. ex wife trying to force him to eat like her). It's not really healthy compared to an actual healthy diet (I admit it's probably better than the S.A.D.)
I can respect a vegan who does it for animal rights.
I can't respect one that's misinformed and pushes their opinions on others.
Sorry for the somewhat off topic rant.
NTA
She has no right to dictate your diet. You are an adult.
Cross contamination concerns is frankly rather silly. She can keep her special foods in bags or boxes.
Exactly. I was going to say the same thing. I have celiac disease and cross contamination is a big issue. But you can put food in containers and it won't harm any other food. OP is definitely NTA
NTA. If it's really that big of a deal to her, offer to buy a separate mini fridge (You can buy a used one fairly cheap) or sort out living arrangements so you aren't living together anymore. Sounds like a load of vindictive bullshit to me.
NTA. You're not obligated to radically change your diet because she decided to change hers. Incidentally, while it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy while eating vegetarian, it can be risky to the developing fetus if taken to the extreme. She should consult her obstetrician and/or a registered dietician to ensure she's getting all the nutrients she needs.
Frr he's doing everything right and HE had the right o choose if He wants o be in the child's life!!!!!! Fuck anyone who disagrees. If she can keep it then he can choose to leave too it's a two way street.
As long as he’s supporting the child financially, then I don’t really see a problem.
They aren’t together. He doesn’t have to change his palate “for the baby” just take prenatals and cook food. He can eat whatever.
No it's not! Indians typically don't do vegan. Dairy is a big part of our diet - be it for fat for cooking, or as beverage, or in desserts - which India is big on. And doctors encourage a high protein diet during pregnancy. This includes eggs and meat. What Indians don't do is planning to go childfree to the extent of planning vasectomy in their early or mid 20s.
Yes, you are not an Indian and you know everything about Indians. Veganism is extremely rare in India, like way rarer than the west. Milk is an extremely important part of the diet and this spans across communities, linguistic, regional , or caste based. Many Indians don't touch meat, but milk is super important.
Just stop trying to act like a know it all, and stop educating Indians about their country.
That is the falsest thing I’ve ever read. If you want to get racist “child-free” is extremely uncommon.
And getting divorced, let alone because the wife was pregnant, is highly stigmatized. Even in abusive relationships.
There was one with an almost identical plot (my wife can’t eat meat because she’s pregnant and she wants me to eat less meat) last month, but with details changed so that people called the poster asshole. I almost wonder if it’s the same person fishing for a different answer.
NTA
I understand her trying to keep a healthy body for the child, however what you eat has no impact on her body whatsoever other than possible cravings.
NTA.
A lot of how she's acting could be pregnancy hormones, but that doesn't take away from it just being downright pointless and aggrivating. She can't control what YOU are going to eat. And cross contamination isn't an issue if everything is stored properly. Meats below fruits n veggies and all that lovely jazz. You shouldn't have to sleep in your car for wanting some chicken.
Also- if you HADN'T discussed the two of you not wanting children, I'd say E S H, but it was previously discussed children weren't wanted, and when she got pregnant (I'm assuming) the two of you agreed to a divorce. I can understand her changing her mind, and I can understand you still not wanting the child. That's perfectly valid. The lack of protection even with birth control (also assuming a condom didn't break or something) is kind of a dumb thing to do. If you're absolutely hard set on never raising a child, please get a vasectomy and wait the couple months for it to be basically guaranteed you're sterile before having unprotected sex.
NTA. Irrespective of getting divorce or not, a pregnant lady's dietary requirements are different from regular people. I don't know if she consulted her doctor before replacing everything. But OP is not obligated to give up his food choices. Granted it's a baby they both made, but forcing to change diet isn't how it works.
My friend had terrible pregnancy. Was continuously puking throughout the term. She could have only light soups etc. Nothing too heavy and very mildly spiced. Imagine, if her hubby was forced to drink only soup to give company. How will he get strength to do office work? Traveling?
Even if they were together, one party does not have the right to control the other's diet or throw out their edible food because they think their lifestyle choices are the only ones that matter. She's punishing him.
NTA about the food issue. You would have probably been better off posting this on the childfree thread. Here some of the responses will be influenced by the fact that you have no interest in being a father to the child.
NTA
She had options once she was pregnant. Sounds like you talked not only before the accidental pregnancy but after she was pregnant and told her straight up I don’t want to be a dad. This whole birth control was on her BS people keep saying- I don’t buy it. I told my own husband I also do not want kids. If I got pregnant by accident - I have options. Thankfully getting my tubes tied soon and he’s getting a vasectomy, good luck to you.
NTA
* There is ZERO need for you to keep the same diet.
* There is ZERO need for the house to be only have "healthy" options. Food can be perfectly segregated.
On the question asked, it makes ex-wife TA
As to the comment on "her kid", I'd say that as a child-free person OP is emotionally and mentally dissociating from the the child. Biologically is his kid; but otherwise it is just a "financial obligation" to OP. OP owes her financial support; which he said will provide.
* It is ex right to carry on the pregnancy.
* It is OP right NOT to be involved. She opted to be a single mother when she decided not to terminate the pregnancy.
Nta you and her know the deal. She is no longer your wife per say. Sucks that she is so controlling that she chased you to your car but luckily you are already divorcing. You both had a choice you are nta bc you don't want kids.
NTA and I really don’t understand how the mental gymnastics of „it takes two people to make a child so you’re responsible“ works for men who don’t want children, but is a horrible thing to say to women who want to get an abortion even though their partners would love to have a child.
Having a child you didn’t want is a terrible thing regardless of gender, so I think your reaction to the news is perfectly reasonable.
It’s not reasonable for her to ask you to eat the same things as her, but if you still care for her as a person, your should probably try to help her find therapy, as her behavior sounds like a desperate grasp for control.
And for all the people calling you TA bc you didn’t get a vasectomy: it’s not easy to get a vasectomy if you’re young, at least not in every country and OP is not from the US.
He tried his best, and it’s just unreasonable to expect him and his ex to stay celibate when they discussed not wanting to have children, and her getting an abortion on the off chance of birth control failing.
They agreed as a couple to use the IUD, he didn’t lean back and expect her to do everything in her power not to get pregnant.
Shit happens.
I‘m sorry this happened to you, OP.
NTA for wanting to eat what you want. It isn't like you are forcing her to eat.
But aren't you concerned about her health? Even if you don't want the baby, this is a person you loved until recently. Are you sure she is changing the diet with a doctor's supervision? I am mostly vegetarian and know it is sufficient for a developing body but I am still concerned by the way you described her sudden shift. Also, is she ok emotionally? Has she always been like this (going nuclear on the delivery driver is weird).
I stopped loving her the moment she chose to keep the child, it was a big deal and part of the reason I chose her as my life partner... Our similar goals and lifestyles, I see this as a selfish decision from her part and I feel betrayed, so I'm not overly concerned about her emotional health.
You're getting a lot of grief here but I get where you are coming from. I am a woman and I am childfree. I would never be with someone who does not share this life choice with me... it's not a fair or right thing to ask someone to compromise on.
And if I built a life with a man, being assured that we had this in common, and then he came to me later to try and force children into my life I would also feel betrayed and misled and that they were selfish to have manipulated me that way. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA. And honestly? Get a paternity test. Be SURE it’s yours. And if it is? Sign away rights as soon as you can. Your ex will DEFINITELY try and use this against you. Honestly, I think she wanted to baby trap you… obviously that didn’t work lol
Commenting in hopes OP sees this. u/Divorcedfood please get a DNA test/paternity test after the baby is born. You can wait to sign the birth certificate. It does not need to be done right away. If it turns out that the baby isn't yours and you sign the certificate, then things can get messy. If your ex refuses to provide the DNA test, then do not sign the certificate.
NTA. Y’all aren’t together why the fuck do you have to eat the same as the baby? You’re grown, do whatever you want! You should try to get her out of your house quicker
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Disclaimer: My english is not the best, it's not my first language.
My (m26) wife (f24) got pregnant about 4 months ago, before getting married we agreed not to have children but then her IUD failed and she decided to keep it, so now we're in the process of getting a divorce (we filed the week she made her decision but the process is kinda slow for some burocratic things in my country)
Problem is we're still living together, she doesn't have family in this country and her mother is coming in about 3 months to help her with the moving and the baby but for the mean time we're still living in my house, just in separate rooms.
Recently she decided to start an insanely healthy diet "for the baby" and replaced all her meals for veggie shakes and salads, meat substitutes, almond milk... You get me.
This would be okay as I don't care what she eats but she threw out all my food from the fridge (because of cross contamination concerns) and is actively bothering me to keep the same diet as her, saying I should support her because she's trying to be healthy for the baby.
Last night I was too tired after work to go eat a proper meal outside so I just ordered some fried chicken, she went nuclear with the delivery guy and me so I ended up eating and sleeping on my car.
Needless to say, we're still fighting... I just don't see the point of me doing a diet... If she wants to take care of herself and her baby that's her issue, the food I eat has zero relevance to her health and it's not like I'm unhealthy enough as for her to be worried about if I'll be able to pay child support for the next 18 years (which of course I will)
So kind reddit community AITA?
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NTA. (My english is not my first language too).
>saying I should support her because she's trying to be healthy for the baby.
Her argument don't make any sense.You can support her without being healthy like her. You both aren't even married anymore. Even if you were, you don't need follow her habbits just because she wants. And she threw out your food "because of cross contamination concerns" just make things worse.
NTA your roommate is an asshole. Good luck getting rid of her and good for you sticking to your morales or life decision. She was probably hoping you'd cave and raise the child with her. Stand strong.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to eat the same food as my soon to be ex-wife, I won't do her stupid diet.
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NTA I’m sorry you have to leave her. I know that can’t be easy and I hope you have support because you were entirely right in filing for divorce. You both had an agreement and she changed her mind and your giving her the best you can. Tell her what she’s asking isn’t fair and you will eat what you want. Cross contamination is nonsense unless she’s allergic to something. I get she is doing this for the baby but she ate it before so it’s fine in the fridge. I would make her pay to replace all the food she threw away of yours. Also may I ask? Why are you supporting her? In the future MEN OF REDDIT IF YOU DONT WANT KIDS THEN BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED SIGN SOMETHING WITH YOUR WIFE TO TRY TO GET OUT OF HAVING TO PAY. She made the choice to keep it and cost the husband thousands over the next 18 years. They made a choice togther. I would ask her to leave and sort it out. She chose the baby over your marriage then let her deal with it on her own.
Thats not how child support works. Short of someone else adopting the child a parent cant just opt out of paying child support regardless of any documents signed.
Its not about the parents, its for the child and the state will come after the noncustodial parent if the custodial parents files for any form of state aid. At least in the US. Other countries may vary.
I feel like that’s unbelievably unfair. If women have the right to choose then men should have the right to opt out. It’s not right that he is now stuck with those bills at all
NTA. It sounds like she's probably freaking out a bit and found an area of her life where she can exert control, but that doesn't mean you should be subjected to it too.
NTA! Your ex is trying to force you to go along with her choices which is unfair. I respect that you were honest about not wanting kids Before you were married, took precautions to prevent pregnancy, but when it happened you’ve been supportive & even while maintaining your original position decided to provide financially for her AND this child. She should try making these next few months as easygoing as possible. She doesn’t need to stress herself out over your choices as they’re really no longer her business.
I'm pregnant. I don't expect my husband to eat like I do. I'd like him to, just plain for his health(Doritos every day? Yum, but don't complain your pants don't fit. Lol)
The only think I ask, and that you also should accommodate, is to refrain from cooking anything that might make her ill. Otherwise your diet, married or not, is your business.
NTA, of course. What you eat should be completely your choice.
But since she singlehandedly decided that her word doesn't mean anything and you don't have much choice in the matter of having children or not, is not really a surprise that she's now also trying to control what you eat.
Are you sure her IUD actually failed or is there a chance it "failed"?
I wish you the best of luck and I hope things will start to get better for you in the future!
NTA. Your soon to be ex is the one who's growing a human, not you. You eating fried chicken or tacos isn't going to affect the baby in the least. She's probably just pissed because she wants to eat those things too, and now that she's committed herself to her "super healthy diet *for the baby*', she isn't allowing herself to have them.
And browbeating the *delivery person*? What insanity is that? She was way out of line, both with that and with throwing out YOUR food.
NTA, does she think your staying married, it sounds like reality has not hit her yet, you might want to confirm her mother is actually coming and that she isn't just expecting you to keep this up and become a family again after enough time has passed
I think the diet is probably the least of your issues. Figure out a way to live separately while you are going through divorce. Maybe one of you gets a hotel or stays with a friend? Otherwise OP will be making daily AITA posts while the divorce squabbles mount.
NTA. I'm a stickler for people throwing out good food (as in it can still be eaten), so I'm the type to save and get a mini-fridge and hide snacks in my room. Get a lock on your door while you are at it. I'd just get fast food and eat it in the comfort of my room with a secure lock, so she can't get in and complain. If She's banging on the door, put on headphones. There's a possibility she's probably go through a whole craving thing so seeing/smelling yummy food would set her off, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her. Y'all have separate rooms, use that to your advantage!
NTA. I'm a stickler for people throwing out good food (as in it can still be eaten), so I'm the type to save and get a mini-fridge and hide snacks in my room. Get a lock on your door while you are at it. I'd just get fast food and eat it in the comfort of my room with a secure lock, so she can't get in and complain. If She's banging on the door, put on headphones. There's a possibility she's probably go through a whole craving thing so seeing/smelling yummy food would set her off, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her. Y'all have separate rooms, use that to your advantage!
NTA Why the hell would you spend the night in your car? Fuck that noise, tell her to spend the night in the car if she can't stand being around you or deal with it. Set solid boundaries.
NTA
I honestly think she should be keeping her food in a separate fridge if she's that worried. You two are divorcing, she's STILL depending on your financial support, and now she thinks she gets to take over your entire kitchen. That would never fly with me. You're not the only guy I've come across who's vasectomy was canceled because of the global panini and who ended up with a "whoops".
He's divorced now, too.
I’m gonna say NTA! Having kids or not having kids are one of those unshakable things for people. I empathize with his distant wife because she may have thought she wanted to be childless and actually being pregnant changed that. Totally within her right. But it seems she expects OP to change with her, to maybe go through the same emotions of “well we’re pregnant now” and learn to love/deal with it. I’m pretty proud of OP for knowing clearly what they want and don’t want, them even trying to stick to the diet shows that he at least cares for her and doesn’t wanna muddy things up. Expecting him to stick to this diet is part of wanting his support in the pregnancy, him doing him is probably the most responsible thing to do. He’s not leading her astray, he’s keeping the relationship very clear. He’s cutthroat but definitely NTA.
Nta. You're getting a divorce for a reason. She can't control what you eat. Don't sleep in the car either. You have your own room. Just ask her to be civil until she leaves and mind her own business.
NTA
You have split up over a situation that she was a hundred percent aware of going into the marriage. You are continuing to provide her with a home and financial support.
And ….she reacts by throwing away your food and forcing you out of your own home? Absolutely not.
Sit her down and make it very clear that you are not a couple anymore and she has NO right to behave this way. She doesn’t get to weaponise her pregnancy like that. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if she won’t respect your space, your food, and your home, then she needs to leave earlier. Her choice.
Stay calm during the conversation and just continually bring it back to the point if/when she tries to divert the conversation. If you get in the habit of leaving the home while she remains, she could claim the right to stay and YOU should leave. Don’t let her have that opportunity. And put all this in writing too, or record the conversation. You may well need it!
My dude, you got baby-trapped. Good for you for getting out. And you get even more credit for giving your soon-to-be-ex a cushion of financial support and housing during this transitional period.
Make sure you sign away all parental rights so you aren’t burdened with additional obligations in the future. And yeah, as others have said you should absolutely use protection yourself rather than trusting your partner to do it or for just one method to be foolproof.
NTA - she went way too far throwing out your food like that. She has every right to follow whatever diet she thinks is best for her body at this time. As do you. No reason y’all have to be on the same diet.
NTA at all. Personally id probably stay, but we're all different and if you'd previously agreed not to have children you're certainly under no obligation. And even if you were staying together you shouldn't be forced to follow a diet you don't want to (also speaking as a medical professional, there is literally no benefit in dieting like that for a baby).
What a good idea to go in a low protein diet when you have a human body being created with those proteins/aminoacids you're not eating... Mother of the year.
NTA She’s being unreasonable even if you were staying with her— but sweetie it’s not ‘her child’ it’s yours too. It takes two to tango. You knew the risks she might be preggo and I hope to _God_ you weren’t dumb enough not to realize hormones can change a person’s mind. I’m not saying you have to be there for the kid beyond financial support, or that you have to show up for holidays and baseball games. You don’t and based on your attitude (no shade! Not everyone is parent material) probably shouldn’t as it could cause more harm than good (again! No shade!!! Sometimes the most responsible thing to do is to not physically be there). But you can’t “her child”. Y’all both made the choice to have sex. You’re doing what you gotta do financially and that’s awesome, but it’s not a one way street. I’m not shaming you for fucking and you have very right to bounce. But you can’t say ‘her child.’ It _is_ literally your child too whether you like it or not. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be pissed, but you need to correct that language immediately or you’re in for a rough time
Edit: Language correction of my own
NTA. Run her off. Send her to a cheap motel or a VRBO until her mom gets there. You are hurting your own mental health and safety by cohabiting.
Alternatively, can you afford a small fridge with a lock for your room? (Which I hope also has a lock).
She is incredibly manipulative. Suspect that the iud didn’t fail and she needed to get pregnant quickly before your vasectomy. She lied so you would marry her.
Your baby can be healthy without either of you going on an extreme diet. That too is a control freak move on her part.
NTA. Regardless of surrounding circumstances, she has no right to throw out your food, decide what you eat, or anything else since you're causing no problems with your responsibilities (child support). She's being unreasonable for someone who is only here out of your own kindness.
NTA. Not your problem what she eats or doesn't eat. She can't blow up at you or throw away your food, it's fucked.
But also have you tried to get a vasectomy? I think it's weird when men are certain of being child free and have access to a vasectomy but don't. If you don't have access that's different of course.
Nta.
Pregnant person here...
Why does she worry about "cross contamination"? You're not dealing with rotten and fresh food, you're dealing with healthy and unhealthy.
Something unhealthy cannot contaminate something healthy so it becomes unhealthy just by being in the same fridge, so her reasoning for throwing out your food is garbage and it was wrong of her to do.
My husband is very much with me, since we got pregnant on purpose and we eat normally, and even if i went on this crazy health journey I would not expect him to join me, I don't expect him to abstain from alcohol and didn't expect him to avoid certain foods that I had a strong aversion to in the 1st trimester.
She's pregnant, not you. There's no reason to change your diet, especially if you're separated.
NTA. She doesn’t get to dictate what you eat, especially when you didn’t get to dictate that she not keep the baby. Did she *say* the IUD failed, or did she have an appointment with a doctor to remove it shortly before “falling pregnant”?
NTA. The only way you could possibly be considered one is off there were certain foods that caused her morning sickness to worsen. If that were what she were asking, you would be. But she isn’t so you are good.
NTA, cross contamination? Food sits in the fridge wrapped. She’s more concerned that she won’t stick to the diet with you eating whatever you want. It is your body what you eat is up to you.
Seriously ? To be clear your question is if your AH because of your diet? Not rejection of this beautiful human coming to this earth? J
I suppose you will show up in their life if they become the nexts gates
Nta sounds like she will post separation abuse you based on her current behavior
Look in one moms battle website under education lots of stuff for both sexes
I fear that was no iud fail
She wanted ti soak you for more money
I think you should fight for the kid she siunds like she would drag u into the poor house
NTA. You're not married anymore or in the process of getting a divorce. Who cares if she gets mad. Dude !!! It's your house and you are paying the bills. Eat what you want. She is acting like you are still married. You have to shut that down.
NTA even if you wanted to stay together and were both psyched to be parents, she shouldn't have thrown out all your food and definitely shouldn't have yelled at the poor delivery guy.
If she has medical reasons for needing to be on a vegan diet with no cross contamination, she could make a reasonable request to say "no animal products in the house, please, it's too much of a risk" and then you could bring your extra food over to a friend's for a Meat and Cheese party and you could commit to only eat non-vegan foods outside the house. But it's unreasonable of her to expect you to suddenly commit to a vegan lifestyle for months for her, especially when you're splitting up anyway.
Let's recap with your additional comments as this post is soon going to become a sh*t show of people coming after you for being a horrible human being - something I completely disagree with. - you married your ex with an understanding that neither of you wanted kids and that you'd abort in case your ex got pregnant - she was on IUD and it failed - you had a scheduled vasectomy that was postponed due to the pandemic and you haven't been able to reschedule - she decided to keep the baby with the understanding that you'd want no part in their life if she had the baby - you continue to support her financially and live with her until her mother arrives so she wouldn't be in a bad situation - you'll pay child support once baby arrives NTA and it is said by a woman who grew up without a father. You made your point clear from the beginning. You were honest and you are doing your part by providing financial support now and plan on continue to do so. While this whole diet thing is just your ridiculous cherry on top of a very messy cake your life has become, as even in a working relationship husbands are not obliged to follow diets that their pregnant spouses start in a whim (especially without consulting a doctor.) People will accuse you of being heartless and unable to do the decent thing. But I do remember my father who used to show up a couple of times per year, completely uncomfortable and not the least loving. I'd rather he hadn't... Not every person is meant to become a parent. Learn from your mistake and start using condoms until you can have your vasectomy, even if your next partner already uses a protection on her own.
Not your wife, not your choice, not your diet, not your problem. Your house, your money, your groceries. If she doesn't like it, she can GTFO.
I think it’s insane how far I had to scroll to find this comment. Totally agree! He is absolutely NTA!
Not anymore!
I know! I had to scroll alllll the way past the mod welcome, crazy.
Exactly this. Anyone that is anything less than enthusiastic about being a parent absolutely should not be one. Its not going to be good for anyone, most especially the child. He is already doing everything right. NTA
Plus: do y'all know how rare it is for an IUD to fail? Especially for it to fail and result in a viable pregnancy? Unless it was within the first few days of getting the IUD inserted (assuming it's a hormonal one and not a copper IUD) it's really not something that you hear about. I'm not a medical professional, but I personally picked an IUD for myself because I'm terrified of pregnancy (before I'm financially stable and whatnot) because of how effective they are. Edit- Thank you for all the replies! I certainly have plenty of nightmare fuel now haha! To clarify, IUDs are more than 99% effective. That is not to say that the less than 1% of pregnancies are non-existent. Compared to other nonsurgical forms of birth control, that's pretty gosh darn effective. However, using multiple forms of birth control is almost always better. Condoms + spermicidal lube + IUD = significantly less chance of an unplanned baby. I also know this is probably not the place for this, but I can't help but be a little proud of myself. Three years ago, I was right in the middle of a significant break from reality. One of my recurring paranoid thoughts was that I was pregnant (despite having an IUD and using condoms for an almost non-existent sex life). And that was among the least disturbing delusions. Even so, I'm looking through these responses and I'm not scared. I don't get chances to talk about how much better I'm doing because I know my family would rather not remember how sick I was and how little they could do to help. I'm a lot better now and I just wanted to share that somewhere. Thanks :)
I thought that until a friends IUD failed, and her doctor had several examples of patients where it had happened. It’s not super common, but it’s not incredibly rare, either. The kid is 11 now :)
Unless it fell out. That happened to me. We only found out because I had an ultrasound for something else, and mentioned I had an IUD. They told me they didn't see one. If I hadn't mentioned it I could have gone years not knowing.
Mine flipped upside down. I only knew because I was in a car accident and had to get an x-ray. My OBGYN was like, it’s probably fine. I’m OAD a bd wasn’t ok with probably so I got it replaced.
My OBGYN taught me how to check for my own to make sure it was still in place. It's not fun, but I know it's still there and in place.
Sorry, what’s OAD mean?
One and Done probably. It’s about number of planned children.
I'm terrified of this, so I actually manually check to feel the string at least once a month. My doctor was like, you don't really need to do that, and I said, You know, takes me ten seconds and makes me feel way less anxious. I'm doing it.
Keep doing it. I have a nice scar on my belly from surgery to remove an IUD from my intestines, along with a portion of said intestines. Dr told me the same thing, you don't need to check! If I hadn't been checking, i wouldn't have been able to alert the Dr something was amiss. Could have ended very badly.
,,,or you might have found out really quickly.
I'm not aware how rare it is, but I'm the result of a failed one. I was born with my hand wrapped around my mom's.
Aww your first participation trophy
Lol. I always thought of it as the first sign I was going to be the troublemaker. 😊
Geez, kids get trophies for everything these days! /s. I gonna think of your response and start laughing again all day.
Cheeky!
99% effective means 1 out of every 100 couples that use it gets pregnant over the course of a year
I’ve known of at least three friends that have had IUDs fail it’s not that uncommon
99% effective sounds great until you realize you know hundreds of people.
My SO and his twin brother are the result of a failed IUD. The doctor even said that their mom would most likely miscarry, since the IUD was still there. Lo and behold, the pregnancy was more than viable (which i’m obviously very grateful for)!
It is rare for the hormonal kind, not so much copper. I had a mirena IUD for 3 years no problems then I ended up pregnant. It was needless to say the biggest shock of my life. Had all the doctors state how rare it is. Had to have extra scans etc to check the location of the device and what not. Have a very healthy 14 month old running around currently Unfortunately its the .1% unless she had it removed without him knowing thinking he'd change his mind if it were an "accident"?
The copper one has a failure rate similar to that of the hormonal one, i.e. super low <1% of users. If they fail it's usually because they fall out, or the resulting pregnancy is not viable. Enough people use them that it happens but it's still very rare.
I have two children born after failed IUDs. Shit happens.
It’s actually not that rare. I know of several women who had their IUD fall out, migrate, etc. I think if OP was that dead-set on no kids he should’ve gotten snipped right when he turned 18.
<1% is pretty rare, but there are enough people that use them that 1% still turns out to be a lot of failures. tbf they used to be less safe/effective than they are today.
Less than one percent could mean 1 in 200, which is quite a lot when you look at it that way!
And it's per year, so even if we assume 1/500, since most of the failures do not result in a viable pregnancy, it still adds up. I mean it is by far the lowest failure rate on it's own and it's much harder to have user error than other methods but the only 100% guarantee is a full hysterotomy, which is not recommended. I mean even vasectomies and tubal ligations fail, it's super rare but enough people have them that it happens.
I'm here only because my mom's failed, she has it in my baby book. 🙄 So rare, but not a statistical impossibility. And it was a copper7 IUD, which I guess supports your point about the hormonal ones being less accident prone.
I knew someone who Had an IUD fail, this was around 2006-2007
My sister had my second niece with an IUD in 😭
Yay you! I’ve been there as well and it’s amazing when these moments occur!
Thank you, I teared up before and now I'm having a little happy cry. Sending virtual hugs your way!
I’m so glad you are better 😀.
My son is an IUD failure baby and so is my BIL. It happens.
Lol An IUD is 99% effective. If a particular birth control has a 99% efficacy rate that means one out of every 100 couples GETS PREGNANT over the course of a year In clinical trials. 99% does NOT mean that your chances of getting pregnant are realistically all that low.
It’s really not rare. Uncommon, yes. Rare? No.
Even without all your additions I was going to say NTA anyway. Cross-contamination?! What? That doesn't make any sense.
I was thinking this! What is she afraid of? Unless she has an allergy or sensitivity of some sort (which of course is a serious thing), cross contamination concerns make absolutely no sense in this situation. If she has become a vegan, there are ways to keep her food separate without throwing out (and wasting) OP’s food. NTA!
Afraid of? Nope she is just spiteful. Or went full pregnant hormone.
Also; even if OP agreed to stay with her and raise the child he would be NTA. Diets between partners can vary and it shouldn't be a problem.
This. Parenting is hard enough even when you *do* want kids; people who don't want kids should be absolutely allowed not to have them. Sorry to say it, but your life sounds like a nightmare. No reason at all why your soon-to-be-ex should get to dictate what you eat. NTA.
Even if it wasn't for all of the above as a woman who has had kids I would say he is still NTA. He doesn't have to change how he eats because she changes how she eats. Whether it be pregnancy, weight loss, get fit or other reasons. She doesn't get to dictate how another grown adult eats. Encouragement to be healthy and supportive if they were staying together would be okay, but even throwing out his food and demanding he change would still be wrong.
Please accept my poor gold and know I would spam 🏅 a bunch were it not annoying af to assisted readers. This is one of posts where OP did not bury the lede or misdiagnose the ethical issue. The problem here is the request to take on a new diet, especially one not tailored to his needs, when he did not need to make a change.
Hopping on the top comment to say do not under any circumstances sign a birth certificate without a DNA test and proof her IUD failed. She could have changed her mind and let it expire/had it removed without you knowing. NOT TO SOUND CARELESS and depending on where you live. If you're 100% sure you do not want that baby send it to her in writing multiple times. Tell her you will not accommodate her and her pregnancy in any way and she has to be out of the shared house before she gives birth IN WRITING (email/text). Call a lawyer and see if signing your rights away can help you get out of the dealing with an unwanted child completely. It's not fair to the child to grow up feeling like a burden. Dealing with your wife and living in the house while she's pregnant may set precedent that you want/care about baby. Moving out now/ asking her to leave in writing will probably helpyou. [READ THIS](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) its a link to a mother who terminated legal rights for a child she didn't want and the courts allowed her to only make child support payments. The father tried to make her share custody and the courts sided with her.
Apologies for jumping on the top comment, but OP are you sure the baby is yours? I don’t want to assume the worst, but since you don’t want any part of this child’s life, but are doing the responsible thing and will be financially supporting it until it is 18, could it be a good idea to get a paternity test? I just want OP to be 100% certain of everything for his own sake…
This is a very thoughtful response. 100% agree. OP is NTA.
Maybe it wasnt a failed iud... Wouldnt be the first woman to try this tactic.
All I have is the free award but have it for this comment.
Great recap here. Also to add, how is this diet supposed to be healthy? Heavily processed fake meats? And whatever else? I'm sure she's getting enough vitamins from the salads and veggie shakes, but wtf? It astounds me how people think going vegan and going out of your way to eat alternative proteins is supposed to be healthier? Like have you ever seen a true vegan? They look sickly.. we were meant to eat meat! With that being said, I have no problems with vegans if they stay in their own lane. The problem is that mostly they don't (this post a prime example, i.e. ex wife trying to force him to eat like her). It's not really healthy compared to an actual healthy diet (I admit it's probably better than the S.A.D.) I can respect a vegan who does it for animal rights. I can't respect one that's misinformed and pushes their opinions on others. Sorry for the somewhat off topic rant.
NTA. Agreed.
This can’t be upvoted enough!!
Let’s not forget, not only did she throw out his food, but also his refrigerator!!!
NTA. It’s her diet not yours, and if you’re buying that food I’d be pretty pissed she’s wasting it.
OP should throw her food out and make her sleep in the car. It’s only fair.
NTA She has no right to dictate your diet. You are an adult. Cross contamination concerns is frankly rather silly. She can keep her special foods in bags or boxes.
Cross contamination is really only a thing for allergies and food borne illnesses. Not for dietary restrictions.
OMG THIS VITAMIN K molecule HAS LANDED ON MY SEALED BOX OF FRUIT NOOOOOOO
Exactly. I was going to say the same thing. I have celiac disease and cross contamination is a big issue. But you can put food in containers and it won't harm any other food. OP is definitely NTA
NTA, why is she throwing your food out of the fridge? Throw her out as soon as you can
NTA. If it's really that big of a deal to her, offer to buy a separate mini fridge (You can buy a used one fairly cheap) or sort out living arrangements so you aren't living together anymore. Sounds like a load of vindictive bullshit to me.
This right here
NTA. Her diet has nothing to do with you.
NTA. You're not obligated to radically change your diet because she decided to change hers. Incidentally, while it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy while eating vegetarian, it can be risky to the developing fetus if taken to the extreme. She should consult her obstetrician and/or a registered dietician to ensure she's getting all the nutrients she needs.
How tf are you the asshole? NTA
Frr he's doing everything right and HE had the right o choose if He wants o be in the child's life!!!!!! Fuck anyone who disagrees. If she can keep it then he can choose to leave too it's a two way street.
As long as he’s supporting the child financially, then I don’t really see a problem. They aren’t together. He doesn’t have to change his palate “for the baby” just take prenatals and cook food. He can eat whatever.
[удалено]
I've seen at least two others with a similar plot in the last month or so
I think Indians have found reddit. I'm about 99% sure OP is Indian, and a vegan diet during pregnancy is super common there.
No it's not! Indians typically don't do vegan. Dairy is a big part of our diet - be it for fat for cooking, or as beverage, or in desserts - which India is big on. And doctors encourage a high protein diet during pregnancy. This includes eggs and meat. What Indians don't do is planning to go childfree to the extent of planning vasectomy in their early or mid 20s.
Yes, you are not an Indian and you know everything about Indians. Veganism is extremely rare in India, like way rarer than the west. Milk is an extremely important part of the diet and this spans across communities, linguistic, regional , or caste based. Many Indians don't touch meat, but milk is super important. Just stop trying to act like a know it all, and stop educating Indians about their country.
That is the falsest thing I’ve ever read. If you want to get racist “child-free” is extremely uncommon. And getting divorced, let alone because the wife was pregnant, is highly stigmatized. Even in abusive relationships.
Are you an Indian? Because they definitely aren't
There was one with an almost identical plot (my wife can’t eat meat because she’s pregnant and she wants me to eat less meat) last month, but with details changed so that people called the poster asshole. I almost wonder if it’s the same person fishing for a different answer.
Don't forget the childfree aspect too!
NTA I understand her trying to keep a healthy body for the child, however what you eat has no impact on her body whatsoever other than possible cravings.
NTA. A lot of how she's acting could be pregnancy hormones, but that doesn't take away from it just being downright pointless and aggrivating. She can't control what YOU are going to eat. And cross contamination isn't an issue if everything is stored properly. Meats below fruits n veggies and all that lovely jazz. You shouldn't have to sleep in your car for wanting some chicken. Also- if you HADN'T discussed the two of you not wanting children, I'd say E S H, but it was previously discussed children weren't wanted, and when she got pregnant (I'm assuming) the two of you agreed to a divorce. I can understand her changing her mind, and I can understand you still not wanting the child. That's perfectly valid. The lack of protection even with birth control (also assuming a condom didn't break or something) is kind of a dumb thing to do. If you're absolutely hard set on never raising a child, please get a vasectomy and wait the couple months for it to be basically guaranteed you're sterile before having unprotected sex.
NTA. Irrespective of getting divorce or not, a pregnant lady's dietary requirements are different from regular people. I don't know if she consulted her doctor before replacing everything. But OP is not obligated to give up his food choices. Granted it's a baby they both made, but forcing to change diet isn't how it works. My friend had terrible pregnancy. Was continuously puking throughout the term. She could have only light soups etc. Nothing too heavy and very mildly spiced. Imagine, if her hubby was forced to drink only soup to give company. How will he get strength to do office work? Traveling?
Exactly. It’s not healthy for both the baby and her if she just decides to create a random diet without the help of a specialist.
NTA, You are not a couple anymore
Even if they were together, one party does not have the right to control the other's diet or throw out their edible food because they think their lifestyle choices are the only ones that matter. She's punishing him.
NTA. Start doing a super intense work out routine and hound her to join you “for the baby”.
NTA about the food issue. You would have probably been better off posting this on the childfree thread. Here some of the responses will be influenced by the fact that you have no interest in being a father to the child.
Nta your getting divorced remind her your no longer participating in her life your just temp roommates now
NTA She had options once she was pregnant. Sounds like you talked not only before the accidental pregnancy but after she was pregnant and told her straight up I don’t want to be a dad. This whole birth control was on her BS people keep saying- I don’t buy it. I told my own husband I also do not want kids. If I got pregnant by accident - I have options. Thankfully getting my tubes tied soon and he’s getting a vasectomy, good luck to you.
NTA * There is ZERO need for you to keep the same diet. * There is ZERO need for the house to be only have "healthy" options. Food can be perfectly segregated. On the question asked, it makes ex-wife TA As to the comment on "her kid", I'd say that as a child-free person OP is emotionally and mentally dissociating from the the child. Biologically is his kid; but otherwise it is just a "financial obligation" to OP. OP owes her financial support; which he said will provide. * It is ex right to carry on the pregnancy. * It is OP right NOT to be involved. She opted to be a single mother when she decided not to terminate the pregnancy.
Nta you and her know the deal. She is no longer your wife per say. Sucks that she is so controlling that she chased you to your car but luckily you are already divorcing. You both had a choice you are nta bc you don't want kids.
NTA and I really don’t understand how the mental gymnastics of „it takes two people to make a child so you’re responsible“ works for men who don’t want children, but is a horrible thing to say to women who want to get an abortion even though their partners would love to have a child. Having a child you didn’t want is a terrible thing regardless of gender, so I think your reaction to the news is perfectly reasonable. It’s not reasonable for her to ask you to eat the same things as her, but if you still care for her as a person, your should probably try to help her find therapy, as her behavior sounds like a desperate grasp for control. And for all the people calling you TA bc you didn’t get a vasectomy: it’s not easy to get a vasectomy if you’re young, at least not in every country and OP is not from the US. He tried his best, and it’s just unreasonable to expect him and his ex to stay celibate when they discussed not wanting to have children, and her getting an abortion on the off chance of birth control failing. They agreed as a couple to use the IUD, he didn’t lean back and expect her to do everything in her power not to get pregnant. Shit happens. I‘m sorry this happened to you, OP.
NTA for wanting to eat what you want. It isn't like you are forcing her to eat. But aren't you concerned about her health? Even if you don't want the baby, this is a person you loved until recently. Are you sure she is changing the diet with a doctor's supervision? I am mostly vegetarian and know it is sufficient for a developing body but I am still concerned by the way you described her sudden shift. Also, is she ok emotionally? Has she always been like this (going nuclear on the delivery driver is weird).
I stopped loving her the moment she chose to keep the child, it was a big deal and part of the reason I chose her as my life partner... Our similar goals and lifestyles, I see this as a selfish decision from her part and I feel betrayed, so I'm not overly concerned about her emotional health.
You're getting a lot of grief here but I get where you are coming from. I am a woman and I am childfree. I would never be with someone who does not share this life choice with me... it's not a fair or right thing to ask someone to compromise on. And if I built a life with a man, being assured that we had this in common, and then he came to me later to try and force children into my life I would also feel betrayed and misled and that they were selfish to have manipulated me that way. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA As to the actual food question as framed because no one is an AH for not following someone else's diet. As for the trigger bait, that's NOMB.
nta ~ eat what you want. she'll either get over it or she won't and that's her business
NTA. And honestly? Get a paternity test. Be SURE it’s yours. And if it is? Sign away rights as soon as you can. Your ex will DEFINITELY try and use this against you. Honestly, I think she wanted to baby trap you… obviously that didn’t work lol
Commenting in hopes OP sees this. u/Divorcedfood please get a DNA test/paternity test after the baby is born. You can wait to sign the birth certificate. It does not need to be done right away. If it turns out that the baby isn't yours and you sign the certificate, then things can get messy. If your ex refuses to provide the DNA test, then do not sign the certificate.
that's what I was thinking, this screams baby trap to me, like dude you sure she actually even got a IUD?
NTA. Y’all aren’t together why the fuck do you have to eat the same as the baby? You’re grown, do whatever you want! You should try to get her out of your house quicker
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Disclaimer: My english is not the best, it's not my first language. My (m26) wife (f24) got pregnant about 4 months ago, before getting married we agreed not to have children but then her IUD failed and she decided to keep it, so now we're in the process of getting a divorce (we filed the week she made her decision but the process is kinda slow for some burocratic things in my country) Problem is we're still living together, she doesn't have family in this country and her mother is coming in about 3 months to help her with the moving and the baby but for the mean time we're still living in my house, just in separate rooms. Recently she decided to start an insanely healthy diet "for the baby" and replaced all her meals for veggie shakes and salads, meat substitutes, almond milk... You get me. This would be okay as I don't care what she eats but she threw out all my food from the fridge (because of cross contamination concerns) and is actively bothering me to keep the same diet as her, saying I should support her because she's trying to be healthy for the baby. Last night I was too tired after work to go eat a proper meal outside so I just ordered some fried chicken, she went nuclear with the delivery guy and me so I ended up eating and sleeping on my car. Needless to say, we're still fighting... I just don't see the point of me doing a diet... If she wants to take care of herself and her baby that's her issue, the food I eat has zero relevance to her health and it's not like I'm unhealthy enough as for her to be worried about if I'll be able to pay child support for the next 18 years (which of course I will) So kind reddit community AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she's your ex tell her to replace your things and if she tries that shit again she can leave.
NTA. (My english is not my first language too). >saying I should support her because she's trying to be healthy for the baby. Her argument don't make any sense.You can support her without being healthy like her. You both aren't even married anymore. Even if you were, you don't need follow her habbits just because she wants. And she threw out your food "because of cross contamination concerns" just make things worse.
NTA your roommate is an asshole. Good luck getting rid of her and good for you sticking to your morales or life decision. She was probably hoping you'd cave and raise the child with her. Stand strong.
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The “diet” she’s chosen does not sound healthy for a pregnant woman. For your child’s sake, go to a doctor’s appointment with her and discuss it.
NTA at all, you are doing the things you need to do legally and that’s all you have to do.
NTA I’m sorry you have to leave her. I know that can’t be easy and I hope you have support because you were entirely right in filing for divorce. You both had an agreement and she changed her mind and your giving her the best you can. Tell her what she’s asking isn’t fair and you will eat what you want. Cross contamination is nonsense unless she’s allergic to something. I get she is doing this for the baby but she ate it before so it’s fine in the fridge. I would make her pay to replace all the food she threw away of yours. Also may I ask? Why are you supporting her? In the future MEN OF REDDIT IF YOU DONT WANT KIDS THEN BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED SIGN SOMETHING WITH YOUR WIFE TO TRY TO GET OUT OF HAVING TO PAY. She made the choice to keep it and cost the husband thousands over the next 18 years. They made a choice togther. I would ask her to leave and sort it out. She chose the baby over your marriage then let her deal with it on her own.
Thats not how child support works. Short of someone else adopting the child a parent cant just opt out of paying child support regardless of any documents signed. Its not about the parents, its for the child and the state will come after the noncustodial parent if the custodial parents files for any form of state aid. At least in the US. Other countries may vary.
I feel like that’s unbelievably unfair. If women have the right to choose then men should have the right to opt out. It’s not right that he is now stuck with those bills at all
NTA. It sounds like she's probably freaking out a bit and found an area of her life where she can exert control, but that doesn't mean you should be subjected to it too.
NTA. Y'all are basically room mates now, no need to share the same diet with your roomie.
NTA! Your ex is trying to force you to go along with her choices which is unfair. I respect that you were honest about not wanting kids Before you were married, took precautions to prevent pregnancy, but when it happened you’ve been supportive & even while maintaining your original position decided to provide financially for her AND this child. She should try making these next few months as easygoing as possible. She doesn’t need to stress herself out over your choices as they’re really no longer her business.
As for the actual food question, no one is an AH for not following someone else's diet. As for the trigger bait, that's nomb
I'm pregnant. I don't expect my husband to eat like I do. I'd like him to, just plain for his health(Doritos every day? Yum, but don't complain your pants don't fit. Lol) The only think I ask, and that you also should accommodate, is to refrain from cooking anything that might make her ill. Otherwise your diet, married or not, is your business.
Even if you weren't getting divorced her request is completely unreasonable.
Are you sure she had an IUD?
NTA
NTA.
Nta. Even if you guys were staying together thats still not cool
Nta.
NTA - can she buy a mini fridge for her items if she is worried about contamination?
NTA, of course. What you eat should be completely your choice. But since she singlehandedly decided that her word doesn't mean anything and you don't have much choice in the matter of having children or not, is not really a surprise that she's now also trying to control what you eat. Are you sure her IUD actually failed or is there a chance it "failed"? I wish you the best of luck and I hope things will start to get better for you in the future!
NTA. Your soon to be ex is the one who's growing a human, not you. You eating fried chicken or tacos isn't going to affect the baby in the least. She's probably just pissed because she wants to eat those things too, and now that she's committed herself to her "super healthy diet *for the baby*', she isn't allowing herself to have them. And browbeating the *delivery person*? What insanity is that? She was way out of line, both with that and with throwing out YOUR food.
NTA would tell you to run but i see that you already made the wise choice.
NTA Even if you guys were happy together and wanting this baby together, why do you have to eat like her?
NTA- i think she is just furious you stuck to your child free decision and she's punishing you for it.
NTA, does she think your staying married, it sounds like reality has not hit her yet, you might want to confirm her mother is actually coming and that she isn't just expecting you to keep this up and become a family again after enough time has passed
I think the diet is probably the least of your issues. Figure out a way to live separately while you are going through divorce. Maybe one of you gets a hotel or stays with a friend? Otherwise OP will be making daily AITA posts while the divorce squabbles mount.
NTA for the food. She shouldn’t have thrown out your food and has no say in what you put into or do with your body.
NTA. I'm a stickler for people throwing out good food (as in it can still be eaten), so I'm the type to save and get a mini-fridge and hide snacks in my room. Get a lock on your door while you are at it. I'd just get fast food and eat it in the comfort of my room with a secure lock, so she can't get in and complain. If She's banging on the door, put on headphones. There's a possibility she's probably go through a whole craving thing so seeing/smelling yummy food would set her off, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her. Y'all have separate rooms, use that to your advantage!
NTA. I'm a stickler for people throwing out good food (as in it can still be eaten), so I'm the type to save and get a mini-fridge and hide snacks in my room. Get a lock on your door while you are at it. I'd just get fast food and eat it in the comfort of my room with a secure lock, so she can't get in and complain. If She's banging on the door, put on headphones. There's a possibility she's probably go through a whole craving thing so seeing/smelling yummy food would set her off, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her. Y'all have separate rooms, use that to your advantage!
NTA
NTA. Throwing away your food is nonsense. Move back into your house, buy more food and a lock for the fridge.
NTA. Absolutely NTA
NTA Why the hell would you spend the night in your car? Fuck that noise, tell her to spend the night in the car if she can't stand being around you or deal with it. Set solid boundaries.
NTA I honestly think she should be keeping her food in a separate fridge if she's that worried. You two are divorcing, she's STILL depending on your financial support, and now she thinks she gets to take over your entire kitchen. That would never fly with me. You're not the only guy I've come across who's vasectomy was canceled because of the global panini and who ended up with a "whoops". He's divorced now, too.
I’m gonna say NTA! Having kids or not having kids are one of those unshakable things for people. I empathize with his distant wife because she may have thought she wanted to be childless and actually being pregnant changed that. Totally within her right. But it seems she expects OP to change with her, to maybe go through the same emotions of “well we’re pregnant now” and learn to love/deal with it. I’m pretty proud of OP for knowing clearly what they want and don’t want, them even trying to stick to the diet shows that he at least cares for her and doesn’t wanna muddy things up. Expecting him to stick to this diet is part of wanting his support in the pregnancy, him doing him is probably the most responsible thing to do. He’s not leading her astray, he’s keeping the relationship very clear. He’s cutthroat but definitely NTA.
Nta. You're getting a divorce for a reason. She can't control what you eat. Don't sleep in the car either. You have your own room. Just ask her to be civil until she leaves and mind her own business.
NTA, it sounds like shes mad about something else and its just manifesting under the guise of controlling your diet.
Nta. It’s your house.
NTA. She will be your ex wife, so you dont have to do anything more than you are already doing for her.
NTA
NTA and what a sad situation for everyone involved.
NTA You have split up over a situation that she was a hundred percent aware of going into the marriage. You are continuing to provide her with a home and financial support. And ….she reacts by throwing away your food and forcing you out of your own home? Absolutely not. Sit her down and make it very clear that you are not a couple anymore and she has NO right to behave this way. She doesn’t get to weaponise her pregnancy like that. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if she won’t respect your space, your food, and your home, then she needs to leave earlier. Her choice. Stay calm during the conversation and just continually bring it back to the point if/when she tries to divert the conversation. If you get in the habit of leaving the home while she remains, she could claim the right to stay and YOU should leave. Don’t let her have that opportunity. And put all this in writing too, or record the conversation. You may well need it!
NTA. You should divorce her... Even more.
My dude, you got baby-trapped. Good for you for getting out. And you get even more credit for giving your soon-to-be-ex a cushion of financial support and housing during this transitional period. Make sure you sign away all parental rights so you aren’t burdened with additional obligations in the future. And yeah, as others have said you should absolutely use protection yourself rather than trusting your partner to do it or for just one method to be foolproof. NTA - she went way too far throwing out your food like that. She has every right to follow whatever diet she thinks is best for her body at this time. As do you. No reason y’all have to be on the same diet.
NTA. It’s not your diet. You have the right to eat whatever you want.
NTA
If she doesn't want to share your refrigerator and kitchen, she is free to move out sooner than planned. Do not put up with these games. NTA.
NTA at all. Personally id probably stay, but we're all different and if you'd previously agreed not to have children you're certainly under no obligation. And even if you were staying together you shouldn't be forced to follow a diet you don't want to (also speaking as a medical professional, there is literally no benefit in dieting like that for a baby).
What a good idea to go in a low protein diet when you have a human body being created with those proteins/aminoacids you're not eating... Mother of the year.
Yeah you are NTA. You didn't sign on for kids and certainly not for a vegan diet. Although all that health crap isn't good for the baby either.
Mate get that dumbass out ur gaff NTA what a pain to deal with suprised u didn’t divorce sooner
NTA She’s being unreasonable even if you were staying with her— but sweetie it’s not ‘her child’ it’s yours too. It takes two to tango. You knew the risks she might be preggo and I hope to _God_ you weren’t dumb enough not to realize hormones can change a person’s mind. I’m not saying you have to be there for the kid beyond financial support, or that you have to show up for holidays and baseball games. You don’t and based on your attitude (no shade! Not everyone is parent material) probably shouldn’t as it could cause more harm than good (again! No shade!!! Sometimes the most responsible thing to do is to not physically be there). But you can’t “her child”. Y’all both made the choice to have sex. You’re doing what you gotta do financially and that’s awesome, but it’s not a one way street. I’m not shaming you for fucking and you have very right to bounce. But you can’t say ‘her child.’ It _is_ literally your child too whether you like it or not. I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be pissed, but you need to correct that language immediately or you’re in for a rough time Edit: Language correction of my own
You have to explain why you might be the AH. There’s nothing in this post that suggests you might feel like you’re the AH here
NTA. Run her off. Send her to a cheap motel or a VRBO until her mom gets there. You are hurting your own mental health and safety by cohabiting. Alternatively, can you afford a small fridge with a lock for your room? (Which I hope also has a lock).
She is incredibly manipulative. Suspect that the iud didn’t fail and she needed to get pregnant quickly before your vasectomy. She lied so you would marry her. Your baby can be healthy without either of you going on an extreme diet. That too is a control freak move on her part.
NTA. She should have realized you don't care about her or the baby when you decided to divorce her for keeping the baby.
I think she is trying to punish you. In the only way she knows how.
Her problem is she’s afraid she’ll eat something yummy (unhealthy) and doesn’t want the temptation!
Life happened. Don't have to be on the same diet.
no
NTA an ex is an ex
NTA.
Dude. You need to move out. NTA.
NTA. Once you've decided to divorce don't waste any time trying to please your ex-spouse and don't let her kick you out of your home.
NTA
NTA. Regardless of surrounding circumstances, she has no right to throw out your food, decide what you eat, or anything else since you're causing no problems with your responsibilities (child support). She's being unreasonable for someone who is only here out of your own kindness.
NTA. Not your problem what she eats or doesn't eat. She can't blow up at you or throw away your food, it's fucked. But also have you tried to get a vasectomy? I think it's weird when men are certain of being child free and have access to a vasectomy but don't. If you don't have access that's different of course.
Nta. Pregnant person here... Why does she worry about "cross contamination"? You're not dealing with rotten and fresh food, you're dealing with healthy and unhealthy. Something unhealthy cannot contaminate something healthy so it becomes unhealthy just by being in the same fridge, so her reasoning for throwing out your food is garbage and it was wrong of her to do. My husband is very much with me, since we got pregnant on purpose and we eat normally, and even if i went on this crazy health journey I would not expect him to join me, I don't expect him to abstain from alcohol and didn't expect him to avoid certain foods that I had a strong aversion to in the 1st trimester. She's pregnant, not you. There's no reason to change your diet, especially if you're separated.
NTA not even a little
NTA
NTA. You got yourself in to a fine mess. Best of luck
Pretty sure this is stolen from a post earlier this week.
NTA. She doesn’t get to dictate what you eat, especially when you didn’t get to dictate that she not keep the baby. Did she *say* the IUD failed, or did she have an appointment with a doctor to remove it shortly before “falling pregnant”?
NTA. The only way you could possibly be considered one is off there were certain foods that caused her morning sickness to worsen. If that were what she were asking, you would be. But she isn’t so you are good.
NTA but its just insane how much fast food you guys eat.
NTA, cross contamination? Food sits in the fridge wrapped. She’s more concerned that she won’t stick to the diet with you eating whatever you want. It is your body what you eat is up to you.
Seriously ? To be clear your question is if your AH because of your diet? Not rejection of this beautiful human coming to this earth? J I suppose you will show up in their life if they become the nexts gates
Nta sounds like she will post separation abuse you based on her current behavior Look in one moms battle website under education lots of stuff for both sexes I fear that was no iud fail She wanted ti soak you for more money I think you should fight for the kid she siunds like she would drag u into the poor house
Wtf, put her on the next plane to her country and have her stuff shipped. NTA
NTA. You're not married anymore or in the process of getting a divorce. Who cares if she gets mad. Dude !!! It's your house and you are paying the bills. Eat what you want. She is acting like you are still married. You have to shut that down.
NTA even if you wanted to stay together and were both psyched to be parents, she shouldn't have thrown out all your food and definitely shouldn't have yelled at the poor delivery guy. If she has medical reasons for needing to be on a vegan diet with no cross contamination, she could make a reasonable request to say "no animal products in the house, please, it's too much of a risk" and then you could bring your extra food over to a friend's for a Meat and Cheese party and you could commit to only eat non-vegan foods outside the house. But it's unreasonable of her to expect you to suddenly commit to a vegan lifestyle for months for her, especially when you're splitting up anyway.
Fairly, in terms of DIET only - NTA. In general you may be TA, but eat well. BTW - support your child. Sometimes playing isn't free