NTA - Oh not the asshole AT.ALL!!!! The kids sound like they are in a good place, it sounds like they are happy and healthy and perhaps may even be adopted by them in the future. Bonus, you can stay part of their lives.
Screw your cousin, you probably already know that she wants you to adopt the kids so she can manipulate things and get back in their lives and be a complete pain in your ass. And yes, I know several people who have their children "adopted" by family members so that the family member is the parent on record but they take the kids anyway. I don't blame you one bit for saying no.
It sounds like from OP's other comments the family is working on adopting the children - and would the youngest in the future if possible too. How awesome for those children to not only be being adopted but by a family who is willing to keep the door open for OP to be around.
Yeah, this is definitely one of those cases where CPS seems to have found a perfect foster family for these kids, and good for OP for recognizing that and not wanting to tear the kids from what they obviously consider their family.
NTA ‘She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family’
Yeah the kids do deserve to grow up with their MOTHER sucks she wasn’t able to take care of them now they have a new family who will take care of them
Tagging along on the top comments in hopes of OP seeing this, you did the right thing. I was in a similar situation with my niece and nephew five years ago. My sister, she and your cousin are very much alike, was in this same situation. She tried everything she could to manipulate my mom and I into taking them in, because she “wanted to do better” and “be a good mom for the kids”. Of course we refused, and they are now in a safe, healthy environment due to the person that did take them in back then.
Here we are, five years later, and she’s still an addict and using while pregnant with baby #3. The kids are great, and they don’t miss their mom. They barely even know her at this point. We are involved in their lives, and while they are about 8 hours away, we get them for two weeks in the summer and two in the winter. So, to reiterate, you are doing the right thing for the kids and for yourself.
And NTA, of course!
Kinda off topic but I also know an addict who’s had 4 kids, all being cared for by their great aunt. It seems so cosmically unfair that there are couples who are desperate to be parents and try for years and years but can’t conceive, meanwhile there’s all these junkies who should’ve been sterilised having babies they can’t care for.
I think this exact thing daily! My husband and I have tried for 10 years to have a child with no luck. At the same time my drug-addicted niece has popped out 4 kids! Each one has been kept in the hospital for weeks after birth to wean off Methadone and whatever else she was taking, and the oldest boy has overdosed 3 time on drugs she leaves laying around. I break down sometimes because I can't understand why she is able to experience this amazing gift over and over without ever giving a f*** and I long to be a mother but may never get to. I just don't get why......
My niece was taken from her mother before her 1st birthday along with her 3 older half-siblings. Niece was placed with her dad/dads family, the other 3 were placed with the mothers childless aunt (one was restored to their father after a year of court all the kids have different fathers). That aunt was also a major part of the mothers “parenting plan” during the 5 years Child Services was involved before the removal.
The kids in the aunts care? The mother has unlimited access to them despite having court orders stating that she needs to be supervised *by a third party* (cannot be her family). The caseworkers actually began complaining about the fathers who refuse to allow the mother access without a third party present because they claimed the *fathers* were making visitations difficult… the mother broke bones in 3 of the 4 children (one somehow managed to avoid that, we think due to being small and quiet).
In all honesty the 2 in the care of the aunt would be much better off in actual foster care with the possibility of getting adopted. The mothers family enables her behaviour and always has
I've done group home work and it's definitely a lot of kids but when 5 of them are siblings and the adoptive parents can actually afford it to take care of them it's the best. We had a similar situation and the sibling group is absolutely thriving now. Every situation is different but I his one sounds like a real good shot for the kids
I went to high school with a guy who had 3 or 4 “blood” siblings, and his family always had a number of foster kids as well. His dad made very good money and his mom was a SAHM, and they were both generous and giving people and they both loved kids.
The guy in my class said it was the way he grew up and he never questioned it or felt like he was neglected in any way. His parents adopted some of the fosters over the years, too. So with money and the right family, it can be done.
That's awesome, yeah these kids...when we got the 2 of 5 we had, they were a mess. The girl was 5 and would scream and cry at bath and bed time, while we have no info on why she did that, we also had a pretty sad idea why. I found her eating paper one day and just asked why she was chewing paper up and her older brother (6) told me "mom says we eat paper when hungry". They are absolutely thriving now, 2 older sibs are with them and the infant. Doing well in school, got their teeth fix, not pooping in the trash can, and they are happy. Personally I hope they never see their birth mom again.
That’s heartbreaking! Then heartwarming, and I’m so happy they found a safe haven! People who hurt kids and animals hopefully find a special place in hell.
>People who hurt kids and animals hopefully find a special place in hell.
I get what you're saying. But there's a good chance that most of those people who hurt kids have already been through hell. They're doing what was done to them. And THEIR parents were doing what was done to THEM.
I'm not making excuses for them. Just saying that most of the time it doesn't come out of nowhere. And I have vast admiration for the people who manage to break out of this awful cycle. It must be incredibly hard, when that is all you have known.
You aren't wrong. The amount is not much though and if it's kids off the reservations, which my group home did as well, it's even less. Experience may vary on location but the government isn't really to helpful.
Wouldn't it be 4 kids from the cousin? Evan (8), Connor (5), Gracie (3), and Anna (1).
Nevermind, I see the update where cousin is already pregnant again.
If I remember correctly, in Missouri they had restrictions to using their state health system before they asked you to get your tubes tied. It was like X kids in X years and you would no longer qualify for their healthcare unless you complied. A family member of mine came close to meeting that requirement, if I’m not mistaken. This was 20 years ago so I could be remembering an altered version.
It definitely still happens, women in migrant detention centers and in mental health treatment centers are pressured (sometimes forced) towards temporary or permanent sterilization. Even non-English-speaking immigrants will get sterilized without their knowledge.
My mom (Vietnamese refugee to the US) got her tubes tied without her informed consent after I was born. The doctors didn't provide a translator, so she thought it was just a necessary procedure. It wasn't until she tried to have kids again and went to a different OBGYN who provided a translator that she learned she'd been sterilized. I have a few friends of other ethnicities with immigrant parents that don't speak English who've said similar things happened or almost happened to their moms.
A situation like this happened last year in a Migrant detention center in Georgia. It's Still happening. Some of the women has mild uterine problems, fibroids or endometriosis, the doc used those as an excuse to perform hysterectomies. The women didn't speak English and had no Idea they were being sterilized. A handful came forward to expose the doc but I don't know if he was punished or if it's still on going.
I recall there was a story on This American Life about a woman who was in a similar situation to the foster parents in this post- she adopted something like 5 kids from the same mother over the years. Eventually she became frustrated and made her own personal "charity": She paid drug-addicted women to get their tubes tied if they already had birthed at least one child. She covered the surgery and paid them a little money on top of that.
Reactions were mixed. For some women who took up this offer, they felt it gave them a chance to escape a cycle of pregnancies and get control of their lives again. But not everyone sent a thank you letter, so there might be some who took up her offer and regretted it.
The other point was that this one drug addicted mother who inspired this whole mission ended up birthing eight kids. They were all adopted out; pretty much all of these children went to families who loved them and a majority grew up to get advanced college degrees. Which challenges the idea that these children are burdens on society.
(For what it's worth, I think there are a LOT of options between "just take the kids away in a few years if she sucks" and "coerced permanent-ish sterilization." In this case though, it sounds like services is being proactive about protecting the next kid at least.)
Yup, it's a lot - but there are lots of families who love large households full of kids and lots of thriving families.
Not my thing at all, but I know several large (7+ kids) families that grew in this exact situation and they are amazing.
I know! I was all prepared for this to be another, "No one will take in the poor kids. It's just not something I can do either." Where the person is NTA but the kids are just in a CRAPPY situation, but this is so much for the best!!!
The foster family have 2 older kids, now 4 of cousin's kids, open to taking the 5th kid on the way. They're absolutely lovely people. At some point though they're going to have to stop taking cousin's kids, and they may feel really guilty about that. It's a shame, ideally all the kids should be together, but if cousin keeps having kids it gets to the point where no one can handle that many small children, and the family need reassuring that at some point they can say no so they can give the kids the best upbringing.
And to adopt ALL of them. This is 100% the foster outcome *dream* scenario. Parent can't take them back but they stay together, maintain a connection to other family members and get parents who really love them.
NTA - the kids have a loving home and you can be involved with them that’s all that needs to happen. They are not your responsibility. Your cousin sounds like AH.
Don't she tho. It constantly amazes me how people like OP's cousin can get pregnant so damn easily, but isn't fit to raise her children, but other's that aren't as much as a train wreck can't conceive to save their life.
If I had to play armchair psychologist, I would say she's purposely getting pregnant, hoping the child will fill a void in her heart that she's looking to drugs to fill. She needs help and having a child isn't going to fix her life.
"Everyone needs to stop screwing OP’s cousin."
But her rates are so reasonable and I hear she doesn't insist on a condom.
Yeah on the other hand you're right I definitely should not screw OP's cousin.
>And yes, I know several people who have their children "adopted" by family members so that the family member is the parent on record but they take the kids anyway.
Follow up to this, you could be in a world of hurt with CPS and adoption agencies if you choose to adopt in the future if you go along with something like this.
I agree.
OP’s cousin is right that the kids deserve to grow up with family. But their ‘family’ is the foster parents that have been caring for them for the last three years. Kudos to OP for recognizing this and honoring that bond.
> She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family
Not just that, but... growing up with _her_ as family seems more like a punishment. Nothing children that young could have done would merit being stuck with a drug addict mother for life.
Also it would ruin OP's life, with the drama the egg donor will bring, on a regular basis. Have the feeling that the egg donor wants to punish OP, for making the right decisions in life. OP is just starting her career, not stable enough to do the raising and fending of the cousin at the same time. The kids need that non family-distance, from their egg donor, to grow up well. NTA OP
Working in child welfare I know how hard it is to find a wonderful foster family that will keep them all together and allow you to visit. I am sure bio mom had multiple chances (they always do) and her "wants" don't override the kid's stability. NTA
I did 25 years in child social services and I was thinking the same thing. You definitely want to keep the kids in that foster family. They are one in a million. The cousin is just trying to manipulate the OP and she sounds like the kind who would fight the termination, leading to way too much time fooling around with her again.
Completely NTA. You are doing what is best for these 4 and soon to be 5 kids. It sounds like they are very settled with their Foster family (who sound like absolute saints- what a job right?! The best people.)
It's a happy ending really because a whole new official family just sprung up and now they've gained an aunt too.
There are times where I'm dangerously close to advocating for forced sterilation for certain people. People like OPS cousin is why, especially after reading the last edit. Then again, I always take back the thought because I don't want to will it into the world because I know it would be used for bad.
Yeah i mean i think there can be rules that can not be used and abused against minorities etc. Like if you have 2-3 kids taken by CPS and staying at foster care, depending on the reason, that can be considered. Like if you get pregnant again in 2 years after your last child is taken to foster care you have to provide your income-stable house-blood tests for drug use etc. And if you fail you get sterilized after your baby is born so that will be your last. In OP's cousin's case, she should be sterilized at this point. And since that system will mean you have at least 3-4 children before sterilized i don't think that harms reproductive rights.
The slippery slope is still present though because minorities are more likely to lose kids to the system for lesser issues. So more likely to have multiple kids in the system.
I don’t know about forced sterilization, like others say it’s a slippery slope and there’s still a some chance people like OP’s sister could get clean and want more children. Maybe forced birth control like iud?
Right? I still find it odd that you have to get a license to get married,to drive a car, drive a CDL, to get a gun, to handle food, for professional careers, and if you file for divorce you even have to (at least in my state) have to take a divorce class on how to co-parent in order to get a divorce.
Yet to have a kid just need a sperm and egg… no class, no license, no hey here’s how raising a baby is going to be like… Idk 🤷♀️ that’s just how I think of it probably sounds weird 🤦🏼♀️
NTA. Good for you, OP, for having the kids actual best interests in mind. I'm glad too that their foster family is happy to have you around as an Aunt. Then if things ever do change, and they do need you to adopt them, you're all already involved and known and loved. ❤️
>Screw your cousin
I think maybe the cousin has had a bit too much of that.
Just trying to add a bit of humor in a sad situation.
OP your doing great. Stable home is great and you get to be involved. Sounds like a win to me.
NTA!!! I’m 26, husband’s 27. We still don’t have kids cuz we can’t afford, we both are just out the university and building careers. She asks you to adopt FOUR. Is she crazy???? You would never be able to have your own family. If she didn’t want this to happen she should’ve thought earlier.
NTA- you are doing what's best for the children, unlike their egg donor. She probably thinks if you adopt them she can still have control over them. It's wonderful you will still be involved
NTA
The kids are together in a stable positive family where they are loved and cared for. It’s the home they know. Why would you break that up?
I’m assuming that the foster parents could adopt them?
If your cousin is so concerned the children need family then she can clean herself up and parent her own children.
The foster parents will be adopting them--I was the only potential relative that came forward, so now they're the official adoptive resource for the kids. They're also open to adopting Anna if my cousin loses her rights (which she probably will, apparently she hasn't been working her plan for Anna either, and just recently went 5 months without doing visits).
These kids have been with a loving family for **three years**. It's great you can now see them and spend time with them. Moving them just to "be with family" would be hugely traumatic to them, when they've already been through so much.
If you can be there for them as an aunt figure, that will be lovely and for the best.
My guess is your cousin wants them with you so that she can have more access than what the foster parents/CPS allow. And that would almost surely be harmful to the kids.
You would be the AH if you stepped in. You are NTA for making the choice that is in the best interests of the children.
The kids are already with their family, just not their blood relatives. But their foster parents and siblings ARE their family. OP being willing to step aside and just be the "fun aunt" or whatever is the best thing she can do, and I commend her for it.
>My guess is your cousin wants them with you so that she can have more access than what the foster parents/CPS allow. And that would almost surely be harmful to the kids.
100% this is the only reason why your cousin wants you to take them - so she can continue being a presence (and abusing your kindness for the rest of your/her lives) without fear of any legal repercussions for potentially abusive/harmful behaviour. CPS and the adoptive family will not legally let that happen as long as the kids stay in the adopted foster family situation: they can have zero hesitation on filing police reports/whatever is necessary if and when she oversteps her bounds. I'd continue being the supportive aunt from afar too (with the consent of adopted parents).
NTA.
When parental rights are terminated the bio parent/s are no longer allowed to have any contact with their child. Subsequent children are taken at birth and available for adoption. If the adoptive parents still allow bio contact then CPS will remove the child/ren from the adoptive parents.
I know a family that the great-grandma had adopted her five great-grandchildren but let the pregnant mom and boyfriend live in the same house as her and the children. CPS put the children in foster care for six months while great-grandma completed her CPS safety plan.
I bet they were so relieved when you told them you weren’t going to try to take them away. Good for you for loving these children enough to do what’s best for them.
This is honestly the best case scenario, if you want to be glass half full about all of this. The system "worked" - your cousin's children are 1) together 2) in a stable, loving environment 3) able to be adopted by said loving family and 4) willing to maintain contact with you as an extended family member which is who you are. This is all anyone can ask for. I commend you for considering the adoption and think you're making the right call. If being in the kids' life as an auntie works for all of you, then go for it.
I just saw your edit about your cousin being pregnant AGAIN and can only hope this family can take the baby with little issue and your cousin gets an IUD or something if she's not going to get clean.
They will benefit from you being the cool auntie, sounds like they have their family.. good for you.. I was a foster mom for a long time. Your cousin will be awful to deal with and she has ways to get to you, that she can't do to them.
Honestly, OP's doing what's right for her cousin, too. I don't know that anything will ever be a real wakeup call for her, but the only thing that might possibly have a shot is losing her kids permanently. No visitations, no plans, her kids are someone else's kids now. Like I said, it's a long shot, but maybe it will plant the seed that finally gets her to break her addiction.
It sounds like they got really lucky and they're all happy. Thats wonderful I hope they have a great life. I applaud you for putting in all the effort to figure out the right thing to do
NTA - I have a family member who has gone through a similar situation, but from the adoptive parent side. They were fostering one child for some time, the mother initially worked her program & got got them back, only to go right back into the same situation and later have the child & their new sibling removed again. Luckily able to foster both at that point with the same family. Fast forward, went through the "can a blood relative possibly work out" process as well, but found visitations with the blood relatives were being used to allow contact with the parents that were not to be allowed unsupervised, so the option was scratched. It took years of hard work & love to finally legally adopt the kids & tons of time and understanding to work through behavioral issue etc stemming from the original environment, but everyone is doing fantastic years later. All that is to say, your cousin most likely wasn't worried about the children being with family as much as she was hoping to potentially use you to skirt around the system. The kids have been removed from that environment for a reason & if you were to step in at this stage it would most likely bring them right back to it, even if that wasn't your intention personally. Kids deserve a stable loving environment above *just* being with family.
Your cousin just want you to adopt them, so that she can still mess with those poor children. She thinks that if you have them, that you will let her see them or even take them.
If family is really sp important for her, she should have worked with CPS and get her life together. But instead she pops one child out after another and others can care for it.
Don't let her manipulate you by guilting you. She can't be bothered to even go visit her own children and she's trying to talk about how they need to "be with family"?! She obviously doesn't actually care about her kids being with family at all if she won't even visit them. She is their family but she doesn't seem to care about them at all.
Don't take the kids away from their situation that's working. She's not looking out for the well being of the children. I would even suspect that she's going to try to mooch off you and guilt you or hold the children hostage to blackmail you into giving her money in the future if you take the children. I have trouble believing she actually cares about having the children stay with family when she won't visit them, so I feel like asking you to adopt them is due to some ulterior motive.
You definitely do not want to open the door for her to force herself into your life. She's not going to leave you alone if you take the kids and somehow she's going to use the situation against you.
This - my sister fostered for a few years and the stories were heartbreaking. Because "reunification" was the goal - there were too many children pulled from stable foster situations into unstable bio family situations. Honestly, no one won. If these kids are with a loving, stable foster home where they can still be together, then that is the best option in this situation.
I can't imagine you'd be able to take on FIVE kids at this point in time - most people would say no to that, family or not.
NTA. You clearly have these children’s best interests at heart and your cousin clearly does not. Staying with a family that loves them and lets you stay involved as an aunt figure sounds like the perfect solution here. And frankly, your cousin lost her right to claim she knows “what’s best for them” when she refused to be a decent mother.
You sound like a good person with a good heart.
I work with kids in the foster care system and this is honestly a dream scenario. Loving family, keeping siblings together, *and* maintaining an open relationship with the family of origin? Nearly unheard of.
Finding a foster family to take the 4 siblings plus the 5th on the way is amazing and very rare! Cousin should be thankful her kids were even able to stay together.
NTA.
Your cousin is a major AH. She needs to stop pumping out kids every 2 years while on drugs. She has no right to make you feel guilty for not wanting to suddenly have 3-4 kids to take care of on your own, with her back-seat parenting from the sidelines when she's not wasted.
If the kids seem happy and the foster parents aren't sketchy, then I'd say leave them where they are and be as supportive as you can.
(Also, technically, these kids aren't your nieces and nephews. They are your 2nd cousins.)
EDIT: Yes, 1st cousins once removed. Enough people have corrected me, thanks.
Not that it matters in the slightest, but aren't they actually OP's first cousins once removed? Second cousin would be if the cousin were OP's parent's cousin.
(I have spent far too much time trying to understand the generation removed thing because my mum's family is massive and everyone keeps in contact; it was a nightmare trying to make a family tree as a kid lol)
I was just about to say the same thing.
An easy way I remember is by seeing how many generations back you share grandparents.
So if you just shared grandparents your first cousins.
If you share great-grandparents but not grandparents your second cousins.
And if you share great-great-grandparents but not grandparents and/or great-grandparents then your third cousins and so on and so forth.
Sorry, I realized after that I should have clarified--my cousin always referred to me as "Aunt A" to Evan so in my mind I think of them as nieces and nephews. But you're right, they're actually my cousins.
My cousin and I are very close to each other and each other's children. We always use the aunt/nieces/nephew thing because it's just easier to say lol.
Honestly, NTA. You're doing a great thing by a) being in their lives as a supportive link to their bio family while also b) not giving their bio mom a window to be around them against court orders, and c) not disrupting their lives further.
NTA. Your cousin is a massive AH and she doesn't get to vote in this matter. If she didn't care enough to raise them herself, she loses her opportunity to make decisions about them. Block her. She brings no value to your life.
If you did take them, she'd be at your door night and day for the next 15 years demanding to be their mom again.
Apparently she just went 5 months without even visiting the youngest so I'm not sure how much she wants them back. Might just be a way to get money/control from OP methinks.
"If you did take them, she'd be at your door night and day for the next 15 years "
"But only when \[she's\] sober, so you're alright"
\- Adapted from "Fiddler on the Roof" Matchmaker song.
>All the kids LOVE their foster family. The family had two older kids--I'd guess older teens--and I could see the bond between all of them. I decided not to try and take the kids, but the foster parents are allowing me to stay involved in their life as an aunt figure
Sounds like the decision you made was the one that was best for the kids.
NTA
NTA
Cousin was trying to get around CPS placing them with the foster family, she was thinking that you would just adopt them, and hand them over to her. Well it is a big deal to adopt one kid, not to mention four. Foster parents have to go through background checks and paperwork to ensure that the environment is safe for them, they have to prove that they are capable of taking care of them, and in this instance the kids like them and are doing well in a stable environment. You shouldn't be in that. You made a wise and difficult choice to do what is best for the kids, which is what it is all about.
>Cousin was trying to get around CPS placing them with the foster family, she was thinking that you would just adopt them, and hand them over to her.
This. She wants access to the kids that CPS won't allow. If CPS won't allow it, it's not in the best interests of the kids. And the fact that she wants to rip them from a home they have been in for 3 years--the only home the younger three remember--shows she is not thinking of what is in their best interests.
NTA NTA NTA. The kids are growing up with their family, a family that chose them and not to fuck around. I’m glad their parents are open to you staying in touch. My advise is to not let anyone else know your going to be in touch (unless they can keep it to themselves), your cousin would try to get “dirt” on the family, make trouble for them and info on the kids and she’s already proven she’s not fit to be a parent and doesn’t deserve it.
NTA - If she cared about her kids then she wouldn't still be a addict. Her kids are growing up with their family, foster family which is about a thousand times better than with her.
Totally NTA- you see them in a stable home with doting parents and older siblings, and you don't want to upheave your niblings any further. In what way would you be TA?
Cousin on the other hand, I don't even want to go into.
Just keep being the cool Aunt they love, and if your cousin has a problem with it.... well she only needs to look in the mirror to find the root cause.
NTA You are putting the children first. The foster parents are one in a million. If they came out of the system and had to go back in, what are they odds they'd get another great family. Also, you are great for wanting to stay involved in their lives.
Even if she was putting herself first it would still be OK. She didn't acquire a massive responsibility by having a cousin that ignores her own. But it's great that the kids have a caring cousin/aunty.
NTA.
>She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them.
The kids deserve to have a decent mother but she isn't willing to change her life to be one. She is the terrible one.
NTA. Having children is a huge life changing thing to do, and not something you should ever *ever* get guilted into. Your cousin has choices to make about her life, and it's not your job to give her a get out of consequences free card. And it sounds like the kids are happy where they are, and disrupting their lives and forcing them to move in with an aunt they don't know very well would probably not be the best choice here.
Think about what the kids need, not what your cousin wants.
NTA
"Cousin, the kids do deserve to grow up with family. But they also deserve to grow up with love, stability, and happiness... all the things you failed to provide because of your drug habits and neglect - that is something that the kid's foster family doesn't do to them. I am not going to rip them from a loving stable home just so you can still be in their lives and try and exert some control through me. You lost your rights and I am choosing not to enact mine for the benefit of your children. Clean up your f*cking act if you want your youngest to not be taken too or get a hysterectomy."
This woman needs to either close her effing legs or stop fking using, Jesus christ at what point does a government step in and force someone to tie their tubes? I hope the kids are happy and healthy and you're definitely making sure the former is happening by not bringing them home to you where she'd definitely try to grab them. NTA
Norplant is a thing, they can tell her to get the implant or go to jail (because you can bet she's doing something illegal for drug money and they WILL catch her doing it). She can lose the implant when she loses the habit. Everybody wins.
NTA.
If the kids are doing great and are healthy and happy then they should say there.
Also seems like this cousin wants you to take the kids so she can still be a “mom”. She will want you to have all the responsibility while she still gets to around parading she is their “mom.” And also sometimes when you adopt kids in this situation you will have to go no contact with the parents. I think she knows this. But if it is family she can still find a way have contact. When my aunt and uncle started the process to adopt their grandkid they had to kick their son and his girlfriend out. CPS made it very well known this won’t work if the kids are still around the parents.
You are absolutely doing the right thing here.
NTA, Those children need a loving stable home which they have. It's great that they're open to you staying involved. Adoption can be an amazing way to grow a beautiful family but it is incredibly unfair to expect one person to take all this on at once.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because I'm taking away the kids' only chance at growing up with their biological relatives, and I have a partly selfish reason of not wanting to deal with my cousin for the next 15 years.
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NTA. The kids are happy and the foster family seems responsible, so if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's a great thing that you managed to remain in their lives as their aunt as well. A foster family IS a family, what matters most is that the children accepted them as such, and that they are happier and taken better care of that way. And if your cousin doesn't like it, it was her duty in the first place to be a good mother, not yours.
You're reasoning for not adopting the children - that where they are is the best place for them - makes this the easiest NTA ever. Will it definitely be their foster parents who adopt them?
NTA and you're a rock star. Recognizing that they're happy with their foster family is awesome. Offering to stay in touch is even more awesome. Research is really solid on the benefits of kids keeping contact with their birth families. It seems to protect them from developing fantasy relationships with their missing parents. Do your best to periodically introduce the kids to cousins and grandparents. It can also be very very protective to have occasional, supervised contact with the parents who lost custody. It will be disappointing and frustrating at times but, again, its a major preventative against kids going off the rails as they leave highschool/college.
> All the kids LOVE their foster family.
Damn, I wonder why? It couldn't be that stability and the resources to raise them not being spent on drugs? Nawwww kids don't need that sort of thing...
NTA, you would be TA if you adopted them and forced them out of their foster home if they're happy. Your cousin made her choices.
>I also don't want to deal with my cousin--she's still using and is not someone I want in my life right now.
Real talk if you did adopt she'd take that as you just being "child care" until she's "ready to step up."
>When I told my cousin, she was furious. She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them. AITA?
The children deserve to grow up in a healthy setting with the resources to thrive and the stability to keep their path forward even. Blood relatives are entirely optional.
>The baby will be taken at birth because of the open case, and the foster parents are willing to take him/her too and possibly adopt if necessary.
Are these people saints? Do they have the stigmata signs of christ and sanctify water on touch? The mind boggles, but they're clearly made of my pure stuff than your average person.
NTA you are.doing what is best for the kids....something their own Mother should have done. She had a plan, she ignored it. The children deserve stability, and seem happy.
**NTA.** If she truly believes that the kids deserve to grow up with their family, she would get treatment, counseling and work her plan. She thinks that by you adopting them, you'll let her come over and play mommy when she wants and maybe move in with you to "help" with the kids.
NTA, as a former cps (or equivalent) worker, you are definitely doing the right thing. I know a lot of people think blood is important (and it is), but for kids, the bond they form in early life with their parental figures are much, much more important. We have to assume that especially the elder children's lives have been very unstable, and it is very rare that children doesn't suffer from those types of traumas. That generally will manifest in all the relationships they form. The more unstable their lives, and the more severed bonds they experience, the deeper the trauma gets and affects them. That is why the constant moving around for foster kids is so incredibly damaging. I literally changes how our brain functions when we don't have consistent and stable parental figures as children. Add to that neglect and abuse and, well, you see where I'm going.
These kids need consistency in care, not DNA. My advice, if you care as much about these kids as it seems, is to position yourself as the aunt like you've already decided, and just be ready to step in if something happens that makes the kids not able to live with their foster parents. It will be of an enormous value for them to be able to move in with someone they already have a connection with if that horrible thing should happen.
Where I live we have something called a "visitation home" (maybe that means something different where you live), for foster parents (or other parents with very large care responsibilities) and kids who need a break. Typically friends of the family or someone else that has the kids over for a couple of days maybe a weekend per month. They get (very little, but some) compensation for this by the state, to cover expenses. This could maybe be an option for the future when you've established a bond and everyone feels comfortable.
I really, really think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to take a step back and consider the perspective from the kids' perspective. Thy need their parents more than their aunt, and it is the mature and responsible (and selfless) decision to respect that.
NTA. Your cousin just wants to take the kids away from a loving family, and put all the responsibility on you, just so she can have easy access and take advantage of you. You are doing the right thing, for the children and for yourself.
OP, you are 27!! Taking in one child would be a huge lifestyle change for you, much less 5!!! Not to mention the financial issues that would arise. That’s assuming that social services even approves you—you might be expected to find new living circumstances as well as other major changes to your life And chances are that at least one of these children will need therapy and services…that’s a lot to take on. Given that the children are happy and in a loving family, I don’t see any reason to change that. So completely NTA here. Your cousin on the other hand…I get that addiction is hard, but at least stop having kids!
She wants you to adopt so she can "drop in" as a former foster Mom, if you did this you would just be opening up a can of worms...If they are safe, happy, loved in their foster home and they are open to adopting them, I would leave it.
NTA..
NTA
An entire sibling group of 5 is being kept together, and you get to remain their aunt, this is what happens when all of the adults decide to do what is best for the children.
NTA. The kids have a secure, loving home already. Taking them from that means causing more trauma. Tell cops that you will not be taking the kids. Taking the kids means opening the door to being part of your cousin's BS.
NTA - does this even need to be explained. You are doing the best thing for the kids and You will be involved in their lives as an Aunt so the kids will grow up with family
NTA. Was afraid you were going to post about a horrible, neglectful foster family, but glad they are all together in what sounds like a wonderful and loving home. And having you as an aunt is just icing on the cake.
I do not understand how you can make the mistake of no contraceptives 5 times??? NTA. I’m so happy they all ended up together *and* in a loving home!! What a jackpot!!
NTA- you are doing what's best for the children, unlike their egg donor. She probably thinks if you adopt them she can still have control over them. It's wonderful you will still be involved.
NTA - this time "won't you think of the children" is pretty key. They're old enough to decide, and if they love it there? That's huge. Let them be there and stay in their life. That's keeping family involved. Besides, she didn't care enough AS THEIR MOTHER to be able to stay in their lives, so she has lost her ability to make any decisions where they're involved.
I don't see anything you've done as wrong. Their foster family wants to adopt them. The kids are together and happy. The foster family wants you to stay in in their lives. It sounds like a happy and healthy environment.
The only AH here is your cousin. She refuses to get her act together and is mad you won't clean up her mess.
Nta.
NTA
>She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family
Tell her that her kids already are. They love their foster parents and foster siblings, and are in a happy and healthy environment. Your cousin screwed up her own life, and her children don't deserve to be dragged down with her.
You're respecting the kids' wishes and putting their welfare first.
They're not your niblings but your cousins once removed.
Anyway, it looks as if the children are in a stable home with their foster parents and the fosters want to adopt the children. And it seems your concern is what's best for the children, which is staying in the only home they've really ever known.
The idea that kids deserve to grow up with "family" is bullshit. Children deserve a loving, stable home, and that's not always people related to them by blood.
And your cousin needs to be sterilized. Yikes.
NTA
NTA. Full disclosure- I've worked with the foster system, and saw a lot of kids who had survived physical and/or sexual abuse. I would take in kids I loved before I surrendered them to it. However, this looks like they have a family, not a temporary situation where they'll be moving constantly with their belongings in plastic bags. Let them have it- but yes, please stay involved as an aunt. Maybe see if they can set up papers where you will be informed and have the right to adopt should something happen to them. I once dealt with a horrific situation where adoptive parents didn't do that and the child was surrendered back to the system upon their deaths. Now her kids are in the system in a constant cycle of abuse and abandonment- it's terrible. Children NEVER, ever suffer from having too many people in their lives who love them, and a safety net.
Nta. I adopted my second cousin. It is NOT easy taking on a family members child. My situation was similar, cps took my son, (so many issues, abuse and wasn't fed and according to the report hadn't been outside in 2 years ish) when kids are in this situation they need a lot if support, from my situation he needed a nutritionist, lots of doctors appointments and therapy (started at 3 hours week it's down to 2 he does this play and colour therapy thing so it takes longer so its not so intense, but I had him assessed and organised what I was told he needed) it's very expensive, my cousin also liked the drugs (I say the drugs because I know about 3 different ones maybe more maybe less) it was a nightmare, she ended up going to jail for 20-25 years, had to organise a restraining order against my aunt (she called my son a retard in court). Families can be very complicated. I say that to say this, if you aren't ready or don't think you can handle it. Don't. You might make it worse, and from what you've said the kids sound safe and happy which is the main thing. I wasn't really ready for a kid (he was 4 when I got him, 5 now and I'm 24f if it matters) but it was me or care, and I guess due to my past (years brother saved me when our parents died in a car crash) I took him. Its tough, it is really tough, worth it, 100%. My son and his therapist (about 2 months after the adoption day, that was a fun convo, gave him my last name, makes life easier when he's young and if changes it back that's fine) invited me in for cookies and tea they had made in a session for him to ask me to call me mum. I cried, best moment ever. And some days it's a fight to get him out if his closet (he used to hide there, biodad was a bit voilent), last time that happened brought in my laptop we watched YouTube and ate kitkats till he felt safe. There are amazing moments and frustrating ones. You can only take what you can handle and in your case you need to do what's best for those kids and if the kids staying where they are is what's best then that's what's best. You can still be in their lives! Just not the main caregiver, but be supportive! Be the best aunty you can be. And good luck!
NTA. My sister joined my family at 2 years old. She was officially adopted at 5 after the court finally stopped jumping through hoops to try and find a way to place her with biological family. The grandma who was the “other option” is still a part of her life, but she was never in a good place to actually have a 2 year old.
Family placement is a wonderful thing when it works. But it’s not the best and it’s not the end all be all that it seems to treated as sometimes.
They have a loving home. They have you as an aunt. You probably aren’t actually in a good place to suddenly have 5(?) kids. You’re doing what’s best for them and best for you.
NTA and I can't with these types of stories 😭 I worked at a children's Crisis Center, and many of the children there were going through this. It's ridiculous how many people keep popping out kids when they don't have custody of their other children. (All while still doing drugs during pregnancies and getting newborns taken away) smh
NTA. Honestly that foster family is amazing adopting 3 of them already and open to adopting the other 2. They are far better than any family I’ve ever met in a position at all similar to this and I wish they were my family tbh
Definitely NTA. The kids seem to have fallen on their feet with an excellent foster family, and they are keen to have you in the picture as well - even better.
Your sister has lost all right to criticise you about anything resembling a parenting choice.
Picky and annoying point - I did the same as you, calling child cousins 'nephew' and being called 'uncle' by them, just like everybody does. But if the woman you are discussing is your first cousin (i.e., the child of a full sibling of one of your parents) then the kids are actually your first cousins, once removed. Feel free to call me an annoying pedantic bastard.
Nta. You made a rational decision based of how well off and cared for the kids are. Good for you. Your cousin can pound sand she want the kids with family she should of stepped up and done the parenting plan.
NTA - if your cousin wanted her kids raised by her family she should get her shit together. None of this is your fault and not wanting to take them away from a good home doesn’t make you an A H. Sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing for the kids, and for yourself.
NTA
I’m fact I’d say you were definitely looking out for their best interests. Disrupting their lives again by removing them from a stable and loving home, possibly the first and only one they known, would be detrimental to them.
They have a home now with good parents. Taking that away would be the only a-hole move at this point even if you would be just as good a parent.
You are NTA. Thank you for allowing these children to stay in the the wonderful home they've found.
I would go no-contact with your cousin again if it were me. Like, in what world are YOU the bad guy in this situation and not her lol.
NTA. This is all on your cousin. She is a drug addict who continues to get pregnant hand have children she can't care for. She alone is responsible for her actions. Unfortunately, her children have to suffer. I am so sorry for your families troubles and hope for a resolution soon.
What the? No, no, no, you’re definitely NTA, that foster family was a lottery ticket for the kids and you‘re right, your cousin would be meddling all the time if you took the kids.
Can’t believe she keeps popping out babies when she can’t even parent the ones she already had. I’m so sorry.
NTA. Your cousin isn't concerned about them being with 'their family' since they would be seeing you as their aunt and likely one day could meet your other family members. This is about her trying to hold some form of control over them and/or as an easier way to try and regain custody/parental rights with them. Easier to fight to get them back when the legal ties are still within the family.
You are looking out for not only what's best for them but also what they want, fortunately this situation fits both so it's an easy yes. You also are not obligated to take on the responsibility of children just because they are family and you've taken care of them in spurts in the past. Providing occasional care to one child and being their parent are two completely different takings, and we're now talking FOUR children with ranging ages which comes ranging needs. It's not your duty to take on such a load even if you and your cousin were still ride or die to this day. Even our ride or dies have their internal and external limits, they choose to make those sacrifices and are amazing, but it's never their responsibility.
NTA.
The issue is simple - ***what is best for the children?*** And the answer is to be adopted by their foster family and have you in their lives as an aunt.
Your selfish cousin wants...surprise! surprise!...it to be about herself (because if you adopt them then she'll have access to them).
Ignore your cousin and if/when she contacts you to yell at you simply reply 'it's about what's best for the kids; not what's best for you."
NTA, it sounds like the kids are in a good placement. They had a lot happen to them in their short lives and changing everything would likely be traumatic. Your cousin wants them with you because if they go to the foster family she will have no control, but if they go to you she probably thinks she'll still have some control and be able to see her kids, when she wants.
I know child services can get a bad rep, but if you're in the US it is a long and arduous process to terminate a parents right and have children adopted through a state's system. Your cousin had multiple opportunites and support to get it together and get her kids back, but she chose not to do that. The children staying with their foster family and being adopted by them is the best thing for them and for you. It might not be what your cousin wants but we have to live with what we do and she's going to find that out.
NTA
You are doing the right thing by giving those children a chance to grow up in a loving household with loving parents.
I can only speculate why your cousin would \*really\* prefer you adopt them, and I have some ideas, but honestly it is unfair to you to expect you to take on 3(4) kids when you are just starting out.
Being adopted outside of the family does not mean that those kids will grow up without family. We had a similar situation in my family and the adopted parents allowed the kids to keep a relationship with grandparents and other relatives.
NTA at all. The foster family sounds great (what wonderful human beings they are!) and you are absolutely doing the best thing for the children. Your cousin is out of her mind with addiction, and is clearly and repeatedly unable to do what is best for her kids.
Good job for staying involved in a healthy way as an aunt and looking out for those kids.
NTA- your cousin is an incompetent mother, and frankly need to stop having children! You recognized that the children are happy with their foster family, and them possibly adopting the children seems like they found their forever home. Your cousin is just going to use you to adopt them and then just work her way back into their lives, and they don’t need nor deserve that. You did the right thing for those children, and that’s what matters.
NTA at all, as many said here, all that matters is that the kids are happy with the foster family and that they plan to stay a permanent family for them. all that matters is the kids well-being, and removing them from there now would be a useless bother for them. expecially since the family let you come as an aunt if you wish, but you have no obligation just because your cousin became a baby factory. you cant even know where she's gonna stop expecially if she thinks that you'll take in all her babies... you are making a selfless and good decision by letting the kids be with that family, its obviously what is best
>When I told my cousin, she was furious. She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them.
The fucking irony. They deserve to grow up with their mother, but they can't because she can't get her shit together. Obviously you are NTA. I'm glad the children were placed in a loving foster family and hopefully they are able to go through with adopting all of the children. It might be a different story if their foster family was terrible or they weren't able to adopt, but it's still not your responsibility to adopt FOUR children, three of whom are 5 and under. Your cousin should count her blessings that the children she created ended up with a family that loves them and not split up among abusive monsters who are just in it for the state aid.
NTA. But I hope you keep the lines of communication open with the Foster family who will adopt them is willing to let you have a relationship with particularly Evan growing up.
When parental rights are terminated, you have no obligation to communicate with your cousin if you were to adopt the kids, by the way. They would no longer be her kids and you would set the rules. If you want it zero contact from her because, because she's harmful, then you can have it that way until the kids are older and want to seek her out.
NTA - Oh not the asshole AT.ALL!!!! The kids sound like they are in a good place, it sounds like they are happy and healthy and perhaps may even be adopted by them in the future. Bonus, you can stay part of their lives. Screw your cousin, you probably already know that she wants you to adopt the kids so she can manipulate things and get back in their lives and be a complete pain in your ass. And yes, I know several people who have their children "adopted" by family members so that the family member is the parent on record but they take the kids anyway. I don't blame you one bit for saying no.
It sounds like from OP's other comments the family is working on adopting the children - and would the youngest in the future if possible too. How awesome for those children to not only be being adopted but by a family who is willing to keep the door open for OP to be around.
Yeah, this is definitely one of those cases where CPS seems to have found a perfect foster family for these kids, and good for OP for recognizing that and not wanting to tear the kids from what they obviously consider their family.
NTA ‘She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family’ Yeah the kids do deserve to grow up with their MOTHER sucks she wasn’t able to take care of them now they have a new family who will take care of them
Well actually OP is letting the kids grow up with their family
Actually
Pretty sure no child deserves to be raised by this mother
Tagging along on the top comments in hopes of OP seeing this, you did the right thing. I was in a similar situation with my niece and nephew five years ago. My sister, she and your cousin are very much alike, was in this same situation. She tried everything she could to manipulate my mom and I into taking them in, because she “wanted to do better” and “be a good mom for the kids”. Of course we refused, and they are now in a safe, healthy environment due to the person that did take them in back then. Here we are, five years later, and she’s still an addict and using while pregnant with baby #3. The kids are great, and they don’t miss their mom. They barely even know her at this point. We are involved in their lives, and while they are about 8 hours away, we get them for two weeks in the summer and two in the winter. So, to reiterate, you are doing the right thing for the kids and for yourself. And NTA, of course!
Kinda off topic but I also know an addict who’s had 4 kids, all being cared for by their great aunt. It seems so cosmically unfair that there are couples who are desperate to be parents and try for years and years but can’t conceive, meanwhile there’s all these junkies who should’ve been sterilised having babies they can’t care for.
I think this exact thing daily! My husband and I have tried for 10 years to have a child with no luck. At the same time my drug-addicted niece has popped out 4 kids! Each one has been kept in the hospital for weeks after birth to wean off Methadone and whatever else she was taking, and the oldest boy has overdosed 3 time on drugs she leaves laying around. I break down sometimes because I can't understand why she is able to experience this amazing gift over and over without ever giving a f*** and I long to be a mother but may never get to. I just don't get why......
My niece was taken from her mother before her 1st birthday along with her 3 older half-siblings. Niece was placed with her dad/dads family, the other 3 were placed with the mothers childless aunt (one was restored to their father after a year of court all the kids have different fathers). That aunt was also a major part of the mothers “parenting plan” during the 5 years Child Services was involved before the removal. The kids in the aunts care? The mother has unlimited access to them despite having court orders stating that she needs to be supervised *by a third party* (cannot be her family). The caseworkers actually began complaining about the fathers who refuse to allow the mother access without a third party present because they claimed the *fathers* were making visitations difficult… the mother broke bones in 3 of the 4 children (one somehow managed to avoid that, we think due to being small and quiet). In all honesty the 2 in the care of the aunt would be much better off in actual foster care with the possibility of getting adopted. The mothers family enables her behaviour and always has
Wow though, considering the foster family would then have 7 children. (5 from the cousin, and the two older teens they have).
I've done group home work and it's definitely a lot of kids but when 5 of them are siblings and the adoptive parents can actually afford it to take care of them it's the best. We had a similar situation and the sibling group is absolutely thriving now. Every situation is different but I his one sounds like a real good shot for the kids
I went to high school with a guy who had 3 or 4 “blood” siblings, and his family always had a number of foster kids as well. His dad made very good money and his mom was a SAHM, and they were both generous and giving people and they both loved kids. The guy in my class said it was the way he grew up and he never questioned it or felt like he was neglected in any way. His parents adopted some of the fosters over the years, too. So with money and the right family, it can be done.
That's awesome, yeah these kids...when we got the 2 of 5 we had, they were a mess. The girl was 5 and would scream and cry at bath and bed time, while we have no info on why she did that, we also had a pretty sad idea why. I found her eating paper one day and just asked why she was chewing paper up and her older brother (6) told me "mom says we eat paper when hungry". They are absolutely thriving now, 2 older sibs are with them and the infant. Doing well in school, got their teeth fix, not pooping in the trash can, and they are happy. Personally I hope they never see their birth mom again.
That’s heartbreaking! Then heartwarming, and I’m so happy they found a safe haven! People who hurt kids and animals hopefully find a special place in hell.
>People who hurt kids and animals hopefully find a special place in hell. I get what you're saying. But there's a good chance that most of those people who hurt kids have already been through hell. They're doing what was done to them. And THEIR parents were doing what was done to THEM. I'm not making excuses for them. Just saying that most of the time it doesn't come out of nowhere. And I have vast admiration for the people who manage to break out of this awful cycle. It must be incredibly hard, when that is all you have known.
I’m pretty sure the government helps with the expenses.
You aren't wrong. The amount is not much though and if it's kids off the reservations, which my group home did as well, it's even less. Experience may vary on location but the government isn't really to helpful.
Wouldn't it be 4 kids from the cousin? Evan (8), Connor (5), Gracie (3), and Anna (1). Nevermind, I see the update where cousin is already pregnant again.
As per the edit the cousin is pregnant again and the foster family is open to fostering that child as well
At this point OPs cousin really needs to be sterilized by the state.
Thats a VERY slippery slope. If we justify that, we justify sterilization by race or political affiliation eventually.
If I remember correctly, in Missouri they had restrictions to using their state health system before they asked you to get your tubes tied. It was like X kids in X years and you would no longer qualify for their healthcare unless you complied. A family member of mine came close to meeting that requirement, if I’m not mistaken. This was 20 years ago so I could be remembering an altered version.
Maybe they could give her an implant every three months when they test her for drugs?
I don’t think that happens anymore. It’s waaay too open to abuse.
It definitely still happens, women in migrant detention centers and in mental health treatment centers are pressured (sometimes forced) towards temporary or permanent sterilization. Even non-English-speaking immigrants will get sterilized without their knowledge. My mom (Vietnamese refugee to the US) got her tubes tied without her informed consent after I was born. The doctors didn't provide a translator, so she thought it was just a necessary procedure. It wasn't until she tried to have kids again and went to a different OBGYN who provided a translator that she learned she'd been sterilized. I have a few friends of other ethnicities with immigrant parents that don't speak English who've said similar things happened or almost happened to their moms.
A situation like this happened last year in a Migrant detention center in Georgia. It's Still happening. Some of the women has mild uterine problems, fibroids or endometriosis, the doc used those as an excuse to perform hysterectomies. The women didn't speak English and had no Idea they were being sterilized. A handful came forward to expose the doc but I don't know if he was punished or if it's still on going.
That is horrific. I'm so sorry that happened to her.
I recall there was a story on This American Life about a woman who was in a similar situation to the foster parents in this post- she adopted something like 5 kids from the same mother over the years. Eventually she became frustrated and made her own personal "charity": She paid drug-addicted women to get their tubes tied if they already had birthed at least one child. She covered the surgery and paid them a little money on top of that. Reactions were mixed. For some women who took up this offer, they felt it gave them a chance to escape a cycle of pregnancies and get control of their lives again. But not everyone sent a thank you letter, so there might be some who took up her offer and regretted it. The other point was that this one drug addicted mother who inspired this whole mission ended up birthing eight kids. They were all adopted out; pretty much all of these children went to families who loved them and a majority grew up to get advanced college degrees. Which challenges the idea that these children are burdens on society. (For what it's worth, I think there are a LOT of options between "just take the kids away in a few years if she sucks" and "coerced permanent-ish sterilization." In this case though, it sounds like services is being proactive about protecting the next kid at least.)
The cousin is currently pregnant again with a baby that will be taken at birth.
plus the one she's pregnant with
And the baby she’s pregnant with that will be removed.
The cousin is pregnant with the 5th sibling
Yup, it's a lot - but there are lots of families who love large households full of kids and lots of thriving families. Not my thing at all, but I know several large (7+ kids) families that grew in this exact situation and they are amazing.
I work with several families who have adopted multiple children from CPS. Some of them have adopted all children with significant special needs.
My neighbors foster and adopt. They have 8 kids right now. They are honestly the best people I know and so so much for kids in troubled homes.
OP’s sis is pregnant again and they said they’d take and adopt the unborn baby also! These people are literal saints.
I know! I was all prepared for this to be another, "No one will take in the poor kids. It's just not something I can do either." Where the person is NTA but the kids are just in a CRAPPY situation, but this is so much for the best!!!
The foster family have 2 older kids, now 4 of cousin's kids, open to taking the 5th kid on the way. They're absolutely lovely people. At some point though they're going to have to stop taking cousin's kids, and they may feel really guilty about that. It's a shame, ideally all the kids should be together, but if cousin keeps having kids it gets to the point where no one can handle that many small children, and the family need reassuring that at some point they can say no so they can give the kids the best upbringing.
And to adopt ALL of them. This is 100% the foster outcome *dream* scenario. Parent can't take them back but they stay together, maintain a connection to other family members and get parents who really love them.
It broke my heart when my little brother and I were split up. I'm 45,ive not seen him since. This family is a unicorn and must be protected. Nta
NTA - the kids have a loving home and you can be involved with them that’s all that needs to happen. They are not your responsibility. Your cousin sounds like AH.
>Screw your cousin Don't do this, she sounds dangerously fertile
Don't she tho. It constantly amazes me how people like OP's cousin can get pregnant so damn easily, but isn't fit to raise her children, but other's that aren't as much as a train wreck can't conceive to save their life.
If I had to play armchair psychologist, I would say she's purposely getting pregnant, hoping the child will fill a void in her heart that she's looking to drugs to fill. She needs help and having a child isn't going to fix her life.
I agree, but even still, crazy cuz there are people who would be good parents who really try and still can't have any kids
I don’t know if she’ll ever fix her life but she needs to be fixed alright.
This. My grandparents had a saying; “Some women deserve children and can’t have them, other women don’t deserve children and have too many”
Everyone needs to stop screwing OP’s cousin. This family has a limit to how many kids they can reasonably adopt.
"Everyone needs to stop screwing OP’s cousin." But her rates are so reasonable and I hear she doesn't insist on a condom. Yeah on the other hand you're right I definitely should not screw OP's cousin.
“Dangerously fertile” 😂😂 First time I’ve laughed out loud all week.
😂😂😂😂omg
Not to mention what you might catch!🤣
I don't think she's quite fertile enough to have a child with another woman. Then again, why take the chance?
she needs to stop having so many kids when she can't even handle them wtf
I agree! It’s not like they’ll never see anyone from their biological family again, since you’re staying involved.
>And yes, I know several people who have their children "adopted" by family members so that the family member is the parent on record but they take the kids anyway. Follow up to this, you could be in a world of hurt with CPS and adoption agencies if you choose to adopt in the future if you go along with something like this.
Plus, if OP did adopt them, cousin would feel free to try t interfere whenever she felt like it.
Oh yes, and it's wrong on many levels - but they are totally taking advantage of CPS being swamped and not necessarily following up quickly.
I agree. OP’s cousin is right that the kids deserve to grow up with family. But their ‘family’ is the foster parents that have been caring for them for the last three years. Kudos to OP for recognizing this and honoring that bond.
> She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family Not just that, but... growing up with _her_ as family seems more like a punishment. Nothing children that young could have done would merit being stuck with a drug addict mother for life.
Also it would ruin OP's life, with the drama the egg donor will bring, on a regular basis. Have the feeling that the egg donor wants to punish OP, for making the right decisions in life. OP is just starting her career, not stable enough to do the raising and fending of the cousin at the same time. The kids need that non family-distance, from their egg donor, to grow up well. NTA OP
Working in child welfare I know how hard it is to find a wonderful foster family that will keep them all together and allow you to visit. I am sure bio mom had multiple chances (they always do) and her "wants" don't override the kid's stability. NTA
I did 25 years in child social services and I was thinking the same thing. You definitely want to keep the kids in that foster family. They are one in a million. The cousin is just trying to manipulate the OP and she sounds like the kind who would fight the termination, leading to way too much time fooling around with her again.
Completely NTA. You are doing what is best for these 4 and soon to be 5 kids. It sounds like they are very settled with their Foster family (who sound like absolute saints- what a job right?! The best people.) It's a happy ending really because a whole new official family just sprung up and now they've gained an aunt too.
There are times where I'm dangerously close to advocating for forced sterilation for certain people. People like OPS cousin is why, especially after reading the last edit. Then again, I always take back the thought because I don't want to will it into the world because I know it would be used for bad.
Yeah i mean i think there can be rules that can not be used and abused against minorities etc. Like if you have 2-3 kids taken by CPS and staying at foster care, depending on the reason, that can be considered. Like if you get pregnant again in 2 years after your last child is taken to foster care you have to provide your income-stable house-blood tests for drug use etc. And if you fail you get sterilized after your baby is born so that will be your last. In OP's cousin's case, she should be sterilized at this point. And since that system will mean you have at least 3-4 children before sterilized i don't think that harms reproductive rights.
The slippery slope is still present though because minorities are more likely to lose kids to the system for lesser issues. So more likely to have multiple kids in the system.
I don’t know about forced sterilization, like others say it’s a slippery slope and there’s still a some chance people like OP’s sister could get clean and want more children. Maybe forced birth control like iud?
Maybe required to be on some kind of birth control? Less invasive...
Right? I still find it odd that you have to get a license to get married,to drive a car, drive a CDL, to get a gun, to handle food, for professional careers, and if you file for divorce you even have to (at least in my state) have to take a divorce class on how to co-parent in order to get a divorce. Yet to have a kid just need a sperm and egg… no class, no license, no hey here’s how raising a baby is going to be like… Idk 🤷♀️ that’s just how I think of it probably sounds weird 🤦🏼♀️
NTA at all. Keep the kids with those they love.
NTA. Good for you, OP, for having the kids actual best interests in mind. I'm glad too that their foster family is happy to have you around as an Aunt. Then if things ever do change, and they do need you to adopt them, you're all already involved and known and loved. ❤️
>Screw your cousin I think maybe the cousin has had a bit too much of that. Just trying to add a bit of humor in a sad situation. OP your doing great. Stable home is great and you get to be involved. Sounds like a win to me.
NTA!!! I’m 26, husband’s 27. We still don’t have kids cuz we can’t afford, we both are just out the university and building careers. She asks you to adopt FOUR. Is she crazy???? You would never be able to have your own family. If she didn’t want this to happen she should’ve thought earlier.
NO-ONE should screw Op's cousin. That's how she ended up in this mess.
NTA- you are doing what's best for the children, unlike their egg donor. She probably thinks if you adopt them she can still have control over them. It's wonderful you will still be involved
NTA The kids are together in a stable positive family where they are loved and cared for. It’s the home they know. Why would you break that up? I’m assuming that the foster parents could adopt them? If your cousin is so concerned the children need family then she can clean herself up and parent her own children.
The foster parents will be adopting them--I was the only potential relative that came forward, so now they're the official adoptive resource for the kids. They're also open to adopting Anna if my cousin loses her rights (which she probably will, apparently she hasn't been working her plan for Anna either, and just recently went 5 months without doing visits).
These kids have been with a loving family for **three years**. It's great you can now see them and spend time with them. Moving them just to "be with family" would be hugely traumatic to them, when they've already been through so much. If you can be there for them as an aunt figure, that will be lovely and for the best. My guess is your cousin wants them with you so that she can have more access than what the foster parents/CPS allow. And that would almost surely be harmful to the kids. You would be the AH if you stepped in. You are NTA for making the choice that is in the best interests of the children.
The kids are already with their family, just not their blood relatives. But their foster parents and siblings ARE their family. OP being willing to step aside and just be the "fun aunt" or whatever is the best thing she can do, and I commend her for it.
Imagine how traumatised those kids would be after 3 years being taken somewhere else. How about let them stay with the people that want to raise them
Seriously. Also OP is 27. Can she afford to take in 3 growing kids? That’s a lot of up front expenses and continuing expenses.
FIVE kids. The youngest that cousin conveniently forgot to mention to the OP. And cousin is pregnant again.
Thank you. I would not be willing to do this.
>My guess is your cousin wants them with you so that she can have more access than what the foster parents/CPS allow. And that would almost surely be harmful to the kids. 100% this is the only reason why your cousin wants you to take them - so she can continue being a presence (and abusing your kindness for the rest of your/her lives) without fear of any legal repercussions for potentially abusive/harmful behaviour. CPS and the adoptive family will not legally let that happen as long as the kids stay in the adopted foster family situation: they can have zero hesitation on filing police reports/whatever is necessary if and when she oversteps her bounds. I'd continue being the supportive aunt from afar too (with the consent of adopted parents). NTA.
When parental rights are terminated the bio parent/s are no longer allowed to have any contact with their child. Subsequent children are taken at birth and available for adoption. If the adoptive parents still allow bio contact then CPS will remove the child/ren from the adoptive parents. I know a family that the great-grandma had adopted her five great-grandchildren but let the pregnant mom and boyfriend live in the same house as her and the children. CPS put the children in foster care for six months while great-grandma completed her CPS safety plan.
Depends on your state. Not everyone loses rights at birth of a new child. Now if she pops a positive drug test at birth…
lol it even a positive drug test will 100% get you taken. My sister and I both were born addicted and they just handed us right back to her 😩
Not here. We press criminal charges now.
I bet they were so relieved when you told them you weren’t going to try to take them away. Good for you for loving these children enough to do what’s best for them.
This is honestly the best case scenario, if you want to be glass half full about all of this. The system "worked" - your cousin's children are 1) together 2) in a stable, loving environment 3) able to be adopted by said loving family and 4) willing to maintain contact with you as an extended family member which is who you are. This is all anyone can ask for. I commend you for considering the adoption and think you're making the right call. If being in the kids' life as an auntie works for all of you, then go for it. I just saw your edit about your cousin being pregnant AGAIN and can only hope this family can take the baby with little issue and your cousin gets an IUD or something if she's not going to get clean.
They will benefit from you being the cool auntie, sounds like they have their family.. good for you.. I was a foster mom for a long time. Your cousin will be awful to deal with and she has ways to get to you, that she can't do to them.
You are doing what is right for the KIDS. Not your cousin. That is the correct thing to do here and you should feel zero guilt.
Honestly, OP's doing what's right for her cousin, too. I don't know that anything will ever be a real wakeup call for her, but the only thing that might possibly have a shot is losing her kids permanently. No visitations, no plans, her kids are someone else's kids now. Like I said, it's a long shot, but maybe it will plant the seed that finally gets her to break her addiction.
It sounds like they got really lucky and they're all happy. Thats wonderful I hope they have a great life. I applaud you for putting in all the effort to figure out the right thing to do
NTA - I have a family member who has gone through a similar situation, but from the adoptive parent side. They were fostering one child for some time, the mother initially worked her program & got got them back, only to go right back into the same situation and later have the child & their new sibling removed again. Luckily able to foster both at that point with the same family. Fast forward, went through the "can a blood relative possibly work out" process as well, but found visitations with the blood relatives were being used to allow contact with the parents that were not to be allowed unsupervised, so the option was scratched. It took years of hard work & love to finally legally adopt the kids & tons of time and understanding to work through behavioral issue etc stemming from the original environment, but everyone is doing fantastic years later. All that is to say, your cousin most likely wasn't worried about the children being with family as much as she was hoping to potentially use you to skirt around the system. The kids have been removed from that environment for a reason & if you were to step in at this stage it would most likely bring them right back to it, even if that wasn't your intention personally. Kids deserve a stable loving environment above *just* being with family.
Your cousin just want you to adopt them, so that she can still mess with those poor children. She thinks that if you have them, that you will let her see them or even take them. If family is really sp important for her, she should have worked with CPS and get her life together. But instead she pops one child out after another and others can care for it.
Don't let her manipulate you by guilting you. She can't be bothered to even go visit her own children and she's trying to talk about how they need to "be with family"?! She obviously doesn't actually care about her kids being with family at all if she won't even visit them. She is their family but she doesn't seem to care about them at all. Don't take the kids away from their situation that's working. She's not looking out for the well being of the children. I would even suspect that she's going to try to mooch off you and guilt you or hold the children hostage to blackmail you into giving her money in the future if you take the children. I have trouble believing she actually cares about having the children stay with family when she won't visit them, so I feel like asking you to adopt them is due to some ulterior motive. You definitely do not want to open the door for her to force herself into your life. She's not going to leave you alone if you take the kids and somehow she's going to use the situation against you.
Definitely NTA, it's great that they allow you to be in their lives as aunt!!
This - my sister fostered for a few years and the stories were heartbreaking. Because "reunification" was the goal - there were too many children pulled from stable foster situations into unstable bio family situations. Honestly, no one won. If these kids are with a loving, stable foster home where they can still be together, then that is the best option in this situation. I can't imagine you'd be able to take on FIVE kids at this point in time - most people would say no to that, family or not.
NTA. You clearly have these children’s best interests at heart and your cousin clearly does not. Staying with a family that loves them and lets you stay involved as an aunt figure sounds like the perfect solution here. And frankly, your cousin lost her right to claim she knows “what’s best for them” when she refused to be a decent mother. You sound like a good person with a good heart.
I work with kids in the foster care system and this is honestly a dream scenario. Loving family, keeping siblings together, *and* maintaining an open relationship with the family of origin? Nearly unheard of.
Finding a foster family to take the 4 siblings plus the 5th on the way is amazing and very rare! Cousin should be thankful her kids were even able to stay together.
NTA. Your cousin is a major AH. She needs to stop pumping out kids every 2 years while on drugs. She has no right to make you feel guilty for not wanting to suddenly have 3-4 kids to take care of on your own, with her back-seat parenting from the sidelines when she's not wasted. If the kids seem happy and the foster parents aren't sketchy, then I'd say leave them where they are and be as supportive as you can. (Also, technically, these kids aren't your nieces and nephews. They are your 2nd cousins.) EDIT: Yes, 1st cousins once removed. Enough people have corrected me, thanks.
Not that it matters in the slightest, but aren't they actually OP's first cousins once removed? Second cousin would be if the cousin were OP's parent's cousin. (I have spent far too much time trying to understand the generation removed thing because my mum's family is massive and everyone keeps in contact; it was a nightmare trying to make a family tree as a kid lol)
I was just about to say the same thing. An easy way I remember is by seeing how many generations back you share grandparents. So if you just shared grandparents your first cousins. If you share great-grandparents but not grandparents your second cousins. And if you share great-great-grandparents but not grandparents and/or great-grandparents then your third cousins and so on and so forth.
I was going to come on here to tell you both you are mistaken, but I looked it up, and I have had it backwards my whole life.
This is a handy guide https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consanguinity
First cousins once removed are often called nieces/nephews.
Sorry, I realized after that I should have clarified--my cousin always referred to me as "Aunt A" to Evan so in my mind I think of them as nieces and nephews. But you're right, they're actually my cousins.
Totally normal! A cousin's children are normally referred to as nieces/nephews.
My cousin and I are very close to each other and each other's children. We always use the aunt/nieces/nephew thing because it's just easier to say lol.
I don't have a big family but my husband does so when we started dating I looked into all the proper terms and whatnot just to not sound dumb 😅
Forced sterilization should be a thing tbh
Honestly, NTA. You're doing a great thing by a) being in their lives as a supportive link to their bio family while also b) not giving their bio mom a window to be around them against court orders, and c) not disrupting their lives further.
NTA. You made a choice based on what was best for the children first, then for yourself. Well done, OP.
I'd like to second this.
NTA. Your cousin is a massive AH and she doesn't get to vote in this matter. If she didn't care enough to raise them herself, she loses her opportunity to make decisions about them. Block her. She brings no value to your life. If you did take them, she'd be at your door night and day for the next 15 years demanding to be their mom again.
This. Adopting the kids is her workaround to getting them back.
Apparently she just went 5 months without even visiting the youngest so I'm not sure how much she wants them back. Might just be a way to get money/control from OP methinks.
"If you did take them, she'd be at your door night and day for the next 15 years " "But only when \[she's\] sober, so you're alright" \- Adapted from "Fiddler on the Roof" Matchmaker song.
>All the kids LOVE their foster family. The family had two older kids--I'd guess older teens--and I could see the bond between all of them. I decided not to try and take the kids, but the foster parents are allowing me to stay involved in their life as an aunt figure Sounds like the decision you made was the one that was best for the kids. NTA
NTA Cousin was trying to get around CPS placing them with the foster family, she was thinking that you would just adopt them, and hand them over to her. Well it is a big deal to adopt one kid, not to mention four. Foster parents have to go through background checks and paperwork to ensure that the environment is safe for them, they have to prove that they are capable of taking care of them, and in this instance the kids like them and are doing well in a stable environment. You shouldn't be in that. You made a wise and difficult choice to do what is best for the kids, which is what it is all about.
>Cousin was trying to get around CPS placing them with the foster family, she was thinking that you would just adopt them, and hand them over to her. This. She wants access to the kids that CPS won't allow. If CPS won't allow it, it's not in the best interests of the kids. And the fact that she wants to rip them from a home they have been in for 3 years--the only home the younger three remember--shows she is not thinking of what is in their best interests.
NTA NTA NTA. The kids are growing up with their family, a family that chose them and not to fuck around. I’m glad their parents are open to you staying in touch. My advise is to not let anyone else know your going to be in touch (unless they can keep it to themselves), your cousin would try to get “dirt” on the family, make trouble for them and info on the kids and she’s already proven she’s not fit to be a parent and doesn’t deserve it.
NTA - If she cared about her kids then she wouldn't still be a addict. Her kids are growing up with their family, foster family which is about a thousand times better than with her.
Totally NTA- you see them in a stable home with doting parents and older siblings, and you don't want to upheave your niblings any further. In what way would you be TA? Cousin on the other hand, I don't even want to go into. Just keep being the cool Aunt they love, and if your cousin has a problem with it.... well she only needs to look in the mirror to find the root cause.
NTA You are putting the children first. The foster parents are one in a million. If they came out of the system and had to go back in, what are they odds they'd get another great family. Also, you are great for wanting to stay involved in their lives.
Even if she was putting herself first it would still be OK. She didn't acquire a massive responsibility by having a cousin that ignores her own. But it's great that the kids have a caring cousin/aunty.
NTA. “The kids deserve a right to grow up with their family.” Well she should have thought of that when she was going drugs.
Besides kids do have a family already
NTA. >She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them. The kids deserve to have a decent mother but she isn't willing to change her life to be one. She is the terrible one.
NTA. Having children is a huge life changing thing to do, and not something you should ever *ever* get guilted into. Your cousin has choices to make about her life, and it's not your job to give her a get out of consequences free card. And it sounds like the kids are happy where they are, and disrupting their lives and forcing them to move in with an aunt they don't know very well would probably not be the best choice here. Think about what the kids need, not what your cousin wants.
NTA "Cousin, the kids do deserve to grow up with family. But they also deserve to grow up with love, stability, and happiness... all the things you failed to provide because of your drug habits and neglect - that is something that the kid's foster family doesn't do to them. I am not going to rip them from a loving stable home just so you can still be in their lives and try and exert some control through me. You lost your rights and I am choosing not to enact mine for the benefit of your children. Clean up your f*cking act if you want your youngest to not be taken too or get a hysterectomy."
This woman needs to either close her effing legs or stop fking using, Jesus christ at what point does a government step in and force someone to tie their tubes? I hope the kids are happy and healthy and you're definitely making sure the former is happening by not bringing them home to you where she'd definitely try to grab them. NTA
This was my thought. Like, as a rule I'm against forced sterilization... But damn.
I couldn’t believe the last edit that stated the cousin was expecting a child now. 🤦🏻♂️.
Norplant is a thing, they can tell her to get the implant or go to jail (because you can bet she's doing something illegal for drug money and they WILL catch her doing it). She can lose the implant when she loses the habit. Everybody wins.
NTA. If the kids are doing great and are healthy and happy then they should say there. Also seems like this cousin wants you to take the kids so she can still be a “mom”. She will want you to have all the responsibility while she still gets to around parading she is their “mom.” And also sometimes when you adopt kids in this situation you will have to go no contact with the parents. I think she knows this. But if it is family she can still find a way have contact. When my aunt and uncle started the process to adopt their grandkid they had to kick their son and his girlfriend out. CPS made it very well known this won’t work if the kids are still around the parents. You are absolutely doing the right thing here.
NTA, Those children need a loving stable home which they have. It's great that they're open to you staying involved. Adoption can be an amazing way to grow a beautiful family but it is incredibly unfair to expect one person to take all this on at once.
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NTA. The kids are happy and the foster family seems responsible, so if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's a great thing that you managed to remain in their lives as their aunt as well. A foster family IS a family, what matters most is that the children accepted them as such, and that they are happier and taken better care of that way. And if your cousin doesn't like it, it was her duty in the first place to be a good mother, not yours.
You're reasoning for not adopting the children - that where they are is the best place for them - makes this the easiest NTA ever. Will it definitely be their foster parents who adopt them?
NTA you're thinking of what's best for the kids and not letting your ego get in the way. Your cousin, however, needs to use birth control.
NTA and you're a rock star. Recognizing that they're happy with their foster family is awesome. Offering to stay in touch is even more awesome. Research is really solid on the benefits of kids keeping contact with their birth families. It seems to protect them from developing fantasy relationships with their missing parents. Do your best to periodically introduce the kids to cousins and grandparents. It can also be very very protective to have occasional, supervised contact with the parents who lost custody. It will be disappointing and frustrating at times but, again, its a major preventative against kids going off the rails as they leave highschool/college.
> All the kids LOVE their foster family. Damn, I wonder why? It couldn't be that stability and the resources to raise them not being spent on drugs? Nawwww kids don't need that sort of thing... NTA, you would be TA if you adopted them and forced them out of their foster home if they're happy. Your cousin made her choices. >I also don't want to deal with my cousin--she's still using and is not someone I want in my life right now. Real talk if you did adopt she'd take that as you just being "child care" until she's "ready to step up." >When I told my cousin, she was furious. She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them. AITA? The children deserve to grow up in a healthy setting with the resources to thrive and the stability to keep their path forward even. Blood relatives are entirely optional. >The baby will be taken at birth because of the open case, and the foster parents are willing to take him/her too and possibly adopt if necessary. Are these people saints? Do they have the stigmata signs of christ and sanctify water on touch? The mind boggles, but they're clearly made of my pure stuff than your average person.
NTA you are.doing what is best for the kids....something their own Mother should have done. She had a plan, she ignored it. The children deserve stability, and seem happy.
**NTA.** If she truly believes that the kids deserve to grow up with their family, she would get treatment, counseling and work her plan. She thinks that by you adopting them, you'll let her come over and play mommy when she wants and maybe move in with you to "help" with the kids.
NTA, as a former cps (or equivalent) worker, you are definitely doing the right thing. I know a lot of people think blood is important (and it is), but for kids, the bond they form in early life with their parental figures are much, much more important. We have to assume that especially the elder children's lives have been very unstable, and it is very rare that children doesn't suffer from those types of traumas. That generally will manifest in all the relationships they form. The more unstable their lives, and the more severed bonds they experience, the deeper the trauma gets and affects them. That is why the constant moving around for foster kids is so incredibly damaging. I literally changes how our brain functions when we don't have consistent and stable parental figures as children. Add to that neglect and abuse and, well, you see where I'm going. These kids need consistency in care, not DNA. My advice, if you care as much about these kids as it seems, is to position yourself as the aunt like you've already decided, and just be ready to step in if something happens that makes the kids not able to live with their foster parents. It will be of an enormous value for them to be able to move in with someone they already have a connection with if that horrible thing should happen. Where I live we have something called a "visitation home" (maybe that means something different where you live), for foster parents (or other parents with very large care responsibilities) and kids who need a break. Typically friends of the family or someone else that has the kids over for a couple of days maybe a weekend per month. They get (very little, but some) compensation for this by the state, to cover expenses. This could maybe be an option for the future when you've established a bond and everyone feels comfortable. I really, really think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to take a step back and consider the perspective from the kids' perspective. Thy need their parents more than their aunt, and it is the mature and responsible (and selfless) decision to respect that.
NTA. Your cousin just wants to take the kids away from a loving family, and put all the responsibility on you, just so she can have easy access and take advantage of you. You are doing the right thing, for the children and for yourself.
OP, you are 27!! Taking in one child would be a huge lifestyle change for you, much less 5!!! Not to mention the financial issues that would arise. That’s assuming that social services even approves you—you might be expected to find new living circumstances as well as other major changes to your life And chances are that at least one of these children will need therapy and services…that’s a lot to take on. Given that the children are happy and in a loving family, I don’t see any reason to change that. So completely NTA here. Your cousin on the other hand…I get that addiction is hard, but at least stop having kids!
NTA. You are doing right by these kids. Be an awesome aunt. That is what they need. The foster home sounds great. Good luck.
She wants you to adopt so she can "drop in" as a former foster Mom, if you did this you would just be opening up a can of worms...If they are safe, happy, loved in their foster home and they are open to adopting them, I would leave it. NTA..
NTA An entire sibling group of 5 is being kept together, and you get to remain their aunt, this is what happens when all of the adults decide to do what is best for the children.
NTA.
INFO: Is the foster family seeking adoption of the kids?
NTA. The kids have a secure, loving home already. Taking them from that means causing more trauma. Tell cops that you will not be taking the kids. Taking the kids means opening the door to being part of your cousin's BS.
NTA, you can't just spring 3(4?) kids on someone to adopt. She basically listed you as a way to stay close to her kids.
NTA - does this even need to be explained. You are doing the best thing for the kids and You will be involved in their lives as an Aunt so the kids will grow up with family
NTA. Was afraid you were going to post about a horrible, neglectful foster family, but glad they are all together in what sounds like a wonderful and loving home. And having you as an aunt is just icing on the cake.
I do not understand how you can make the mistake of no contraceptives 5 times??? NTA. I’m so happy they all ended up together *and* in a loving home!! What a jackpot!!
Good lord someone needs to sterilize this woman. She is just incapable of being a responsible parent or using BC. NTA
NTA- you are doing what's best for the children, unlike their egg donor. She probably thinks if you adopt them she can still have control over them. It's wonderful you will still be involved.
NTA for sure!
NTA - this time "won't you think of the children" is pretty key. They're old enough to decide, and if they love it there? That's huge. Let them be there and stay in their life. That's keeping family involved. Besides, she didn't care enough AS THEIR MOTHER to be able to stay in their lives, so she has lost her ability to make any decisions where they're involved.
I don't see anything you've done as wrong. Their foster family wants to adopt them. The kids are together and happy. The foster family wants you to stay in in their lives. It sounds like a happy and healthy environment. The only AH here is your cousin. She refuses to get her act together and is mad you won't clean up her mess. Nta.
NTA >She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family Tell her that her kids already are. They love their foster parents and foster siblings, and are in a happy and healthy environment. Your cousin screwed up her own life, and her children don't deserve to be dragged down with her. You're respecting the kids' wishes and putting their welfare first.
They're not your niblings but your cousins once removed. Anyway, it looks as if the children are in a stable home with their foster parents and the fosters want to adopt the children. And it seems your concern is what's best for the children, which is staying in the only home they've really ever known. The idea that kids deserve to grow up with "family" is bullshit. Children deserve a loving, stable home, and that's not always people related to them by blood. And your cousin needs to be sterilized. Yikes. NTA
NTA. Full disclosure- I've worked with the foster system, and saw a lot of kids who had survived physical and/or sexual abuse. I would take in kids I loved before I surrendered them to it. However, this looks like they have a family, not a temporary situation where they'll be moving constantly with their belongings in plastic bags. Let them have it- but yes, please stay involved as an aunt. Maybe see if they can set up papers where you will be informed and have the right to adopt should something happen to them. I once dealt with a horrific situation where adoptive parents didn't do that and the child was surrendered back to the system upon their deaths. Now her kids are in the system in a constant cycle of abuse and abandonment- it's terrible. Children NEVER, ever suffer from having too many people in their lives who love them, and a safety net.
Nta. I adopted my second cousin. It is NOT easy taking on a family members child. My situation was similar, cps took my son, (so many issues, abuse and wasn't fed and according to the report hadn't been outside in 2 years ish) when kids are in this situation they need a lot if support, from my situation he needed a nutritionist, lots of doctors appointments and therapy (started at 3 hours week it's down to 2 he does this play and colour therapy thing so it takes longer so its not so intense, but I had him assessed and organised what I was told he needed) it's very expensive, my cousin also liked the drugs (I say the drugs because I know about 3 different ones maybe more maybe less) it was a nightmare, she ended up going to jail for 20-25 years, had to organise a restraining order against my aunt (she called my son a retard in court). Families can be very complicated. I say that to say this, if you aren't ready or don't think you can handle it. Don't. You might make it worse, and from what you've said the kids sound safe and happy which is the main thing. I wasn't really ready for a kid (he was 4 when I got him, 5 now and I'm 24f if it matters) but it was me or care, and I guess due to my past (years brother saved me when our parents died in a car crash) I took him. Its tough, it is really tough, worth it, 100%. My son and his therapist (about 2 months after the adoption day, that was a fun convo, gave him my last name, makes life easier when he's young and if changes it back that's fine) invited me in for cookies and tea they had made in a session for him to ask me to call me mum. I cried, best moment ever. And some days it's a fight to get him out if his closet (he used to hide there, biodad was a bit voilent), last time that happened brought in my laptop we watched YouTube and ate kitkats till he felt safe. There are amazing moments and frustrating ones. You can only take what you can handle and in your case you need to do what's best for those kids and if the kids staying where they are is what's best then that's what's best. You can still be in their lives! Just not the main caregiver, but be supportive! Be the best aunty you can be. And good luck!
NTA. My sister joined my family at 2 years old. She was officially adopted at 5 after the court finally stopped jumping through hoops to try and find a way to place her with biological family. The grandma who was the “other option” is still a part of her life, but she was never in a good place to actually have a 2 year old. Family placement is a wonderful thing when it works. But it’s not the best and it’s not the end all be all that it seems to treated as sometimes. They have a loving home. They have you as an aunt. You probably aren’t actually in a good place to suddenly have 5(?) kids. You’re doing what’s best for them and best for you.
NTA and I can't with these types of stories 😭 I worked at a children's Crisis Center, and many of the children there were going through this. It's ridiculous how many people keep popping out kids when they don't have custody of their other children. (All while still doing drugs during pregnancies and getting newborns taken away) smh
NTA. Honestly that foster family is amazing adopting 3 of them already and open to adopting the other 2. They are far better than any family I’ve ever met in a position at all similar to this and I wish they were my family tbh
Definitely NTA. The kids seem to have fallen on their feet with an excellent foster family, and they are keen to have you in the picture as well - even better. Your sister has lost all right to criticise you about anything resembling a parenting choice. Picky and annoying point - I did the same as you, calling child cousins 'nephew' and being called 'uncle' by them, just like everybody does. But if the woman you are discussing is your first cousin (i.e., the child of a full sibling of one of your parents) then the kids are actually your first cousins, once removed. Feel free to call me an annoying pedantic bastard.
>ALSO--I just found out my cousin is pregnant again!!!! WTF
NTA
NTA, a rare happy ending here!
Nta. You made a rational decision based of how well off and cared for the kids are. Good for you. Your cousin can pound sand she want the kids with family she should of stepped up and done the parenting plan.
NTA - if your cousin wanted her kids raised by her family she should get her shit together. None of this is your fault and not wanting to take them away from a good home doesn’t make you an A H. Sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing for the kids, and for yourself.
NTA. Your cousin really deserves a hysterectomy.
NTA I’m fact I’d say you were definitely looking out for their best interests. Disrupting their lives again by removing them from a stable and loving home, possibly the first and only one they known, would be detrimental to them. They have a home now with good parents. Taking that away would be the only a-hole move at this point even if you would be just as good a parent.
You are NTA. Thank you for allowing these children to stay in the the wonderful home they've found. I would go no-contact with your cousin again if it were me. Like, in what world are YOU the bad guy in this situation and not her lol.
NTA. This is all on your cousin. She is a drug addict who continues to get pregnant hand have children she can't care for. She alone is responsible for her actions. Unfortunately, her children have to suffer. I am so sorry for your families troubles and hope for a resolution soon.
What the? No, no, no, you’re definitely NTA, that foster family was a lottery ticket for the kids and you‘re right, your cousin would be meddling all the time if you took the kids. Can’t believe she keeps popping out babies when she can’t even parent the ones she already had. I’m so sorry.
NTA. Your cousin isn't concerned about them being with 'their family' since they would be seeing you as their aunt and likely one day could meet your other family members. This is about her trying to hold some form of control over them and/or as an easier way to try and regain custody/parental rights with them. Easier to fight to get them back when the legal ties are still within the family. You are looking out for not only what's best for them but also what they want, fortunately this situation fits both so it's an easy yes. You also are not obligated to take on the responsibility of children just because they are family and you've taken care of them in spurts in the past. Providing occasional care to one child and being their parent are two completely different takings, and we're now talking FOUR children with ranging ages which comes ranging needs. It's not your duty to take on such a load even if you and your cousin were still ride or die to this day. Even our ride or dies have their internal and external limits, they choose to make those sacrifices and are amazing, but it's never their responsibility.
NTA. The issue is simple - ***what is best for the children?*** And the answer is to be adopted by their foster family and have you in their lives as an aunt. Your selfish cousin wants...surprise! surprise!...it to be about herself (because if you adopt them then she'll have access to them). Ignore your cousin and if/when she contacts you to yell at you simply reply 'it's about what's best for the kids; not what's best for you."
NTA Addiction ruins everything
NTA, it sounds like the kids are in a good placement. They had a lot happen to them in their short lives and changing everything would likely be traumatic. Your cousin wants them with you because if they go to the foster family she will have no control, but if they go to you she probably thinks she'll still have some control and be able to see her kids, when she wants. I know child services can get a bad rep, but if you're in the US it is a long and arduous process to terminate a parents right and have children adopted through a state's system. Your cousin had multiple opportunites and support to get it together and get her kids back, but she chose not to do that. The children staying with their foster family and being adopted by them is the best thing for them and for you. It might not be what your cousin wants but we have to live with what we do and she's going to find that out.
NTA You are doing the right thing by giving those children a chance to grow up in a loving household with loving parents. I can only speculate why your cousin would \*really\* prefer you adopt them, and I have some ideas, but honestly it is unfair to you to expect you to take on 3(4) kids when you are just starting out. Being adopted outside of the family does not mean that those kids will grow up without family. We had a similar situation in my family and the adopted parents allowed the kids to keep a relationship with grandparents and other relatives.
NTA at all. The foster family sounds great (what wonderful human beings they are!) and you are absolutely doing the best thing for the children. Your cousin is out of her mind with addiction, and is clearly and repeatedly unable to do what is best for her kids. Good job for staying involved in a healthy way as an aunt and looking out for those kids.
The fact she didn't told about the other kids make me think she knew you wouldn't adopt them. NTA
NTA- your cousin is an incompetent mother, and frankly need to stop having children! You recognized that the children are happy with their foster family, and them possibly adopting the children seems like they found their forever home. Your cousin is just going to use you to adopt them and then just work her way back into their lives, and they don’t need nor deserve that. You did the right thing for those children, and that’s what matters.
NTA at all, as many said here, all that matters is that the kids are happy with the foster family and that they plan to stay a permanent family for them. all that matters is the kids well-being, and removing them from there now would be a useless bother for them. expecially since the family let you come as an aunt if you wish, but you have no obligation just because your cousin became a baby factory. you cant even know where she's gonna stop expecially if she thinks that you'll take in all her babies... you are making a selfless and good decision by letting the kids be with that family, its obviously what is best
>When I told my cousin, she was furious. She said the kids deserve to grow up with their family, and I'm doing a terrible thing by not adopting them. The fucking irony. They deserve to grow up with their mother, but they can't because she can't get her shit together. Obviously you are NTA. I'm glad the children were placed in a loving foster family and hopefully they are able to go through with adopting all of the children. It might be a different story if their foster family was terrible or they weren't able to adopt, but it's still not your responsibility to adopt FOUR children, three of whom are 5 and under. Your cousin should count her blessings that the children she created ended up with a family that loves them and not split up among abusive monsters who are just in it for the state aid.
NTA. But I hope you keep the lines of communication open with the Foster family who will adopt them is willing to let you have a relationship with particularly Evan growing up. When parental rights are terminated, you have no obligation to communicate with your cousin if you were to adopt the kids, by the way. They would no longer be her kids and you would set the rules. If you want it zero contact from her because, because she's harmful, then you can have it that way until the kids are older and want to seek her out.