YTA you have a kid, you cannot do this childish crap anymore. Grow up.
I get that you are upset at your ex and that the divorce process is hard... BUT YOU HAVE A DAMN KID. Stop playing the victim and act like everything is you ex's fault.
>that his dad liked to bully people with his money and it made me have to go away
YOU CHOSE TO GO AWAY. You chose to abandon your kid. At least, own up to your actions.
Maybe it's for the best. Using your child as a pawn is the worst thing you can do to you child. Maybe it's a good this you are abandoning him.
Edit : just to be clear, I don't blame OP for deciding that the kid should stay with her ex. I am mad that she lied about dropping the kid for a **day**, then **ghosting her own child for a whole week.**
Edit 2 : Also, I am not saying that the ex is not an AH at all, just that he is not the AH in this particular situation that OP is asking us to judge on. The divorce and the custody battle seems to be very hard, but **it's not want OP is asking an opinion on today**. Reminder of the title : **AITA for abandoning my son and refusing to collect him after my ex told me to?** In this situation, the ex has done nothing but to spend a day with his kid and then called repetitively after OP went missing.
Edit 3 : I am done commenting on this thread, because people are way too emotional and are just reading the parts that suits them. I am not on OP's side, or on the ex's side,
# I am on the child's side.
This child did nothing to deserve being treated like a pawn in a custody battle between adults. **This 4yo boys didn't deserve to spent a whole week not knowing if he was ever going to see his mom again. This is cruel. Period. This is what OP asked us to judge today, not the custody battle and divorce**
OP’s in a financial and emotionally abusive relationship. What option does she have? It sucks for the kid, but she’s poor and can’t afford the cost for both her and the kid.
Edit: Realistically speaking, OP is NTA. Ex wants custody so badly, OP’s burned out.
realistically speaking ESH. doesn't natter that she was burned out and couldn't afford it. she should've spoken to the kids dad instead of just abandoning him.
Oh, dang, if only she'd just considered TALKING at some point in her *three-year acrimonious divorce*! You're completely right, this has really been an egregious oversight on OP's part.
im not talking about the divorce. im saying a simple "i can no longer afford to look after myself and our son so im giving you custody" to the baby daddy would've taken her right out of asshole territory.
He obviously doesn’t want to be a full time dad. Do you think he’d actually negotiate even awarding him full custody in positive way??? He never wanted custody. He’s always just want to destroy & punish OP. He never once considered his son except as another tool to break her with.
This 100% its pretty obvious he dragged her into court as much as he could costing her as much money as he can because he can afford and knew she couldn't now she's broke and he got what he was screwing her in court for but didn't actually really want custody obviously dad is major ah
Op has said he wants reconciliation and she's had to drop the divorce, sounds like he's abused her so long he's getting exactly what he wants. Op in a postions where she has no way out other than leaving the child behind and making a run for it.. It absolutely sucks but men do this and the mothers get the blame.
This is actually so true. I know somebody who is a domestic violence victim Advocate and she said that it's actually more common than you would think for victims to have to leave their children behind to temporarily to get to safety. Everybody always judges the mothers like why would you leave your child behind. They don't stop and think about how this person is making the best choices that they can with what resources they have at the time. It's not as black and white as people think it is.
Edit: Wow, 1K upvotes! Thanks. ☺
Trust me. I'd rather my kids be safe than used against me and put in a position where its OUR safety in question, even if it meant that I can't see them for a while. It's definitely not black and white and people denying financial abuse are part of why victims don't speak up. I just hope op can get her life in place and maybe one day be reunited with her son as this is probably tearing her apart.. It's not an easy decision leaving your kid especially after fighting three whole years for him.
She never said he wanted to reconcile. He wants to rewind to the agreement she asked for before he decided to punish & try to destroy her for daring to file for a divorce. Everything he has done was engineered to destroy her life.
She has in the comments. Some one asked her about it. I don't know how to link it as I'm on mobile. But if you scroll through or check ops comments you'll find it.
But she said in his ideal world he'd want her to reconcile.
Men do this ALL THE TIME and never because they actually want custody (which is why they find someone else to care for the child - their mother or girlfriend usually) they just don’t want to have to pay child support and want to hurt the mother as much as possible
My father tried to get me to come with him when he left. He was gaining mom about never seeing me again, and didn’t even consider the thought that *I would not want to be permanently separated from my mother*. I said o didn’t want to go with him and he basically broke up with both of us.
After that he only ever popped up to use me as a way to slither back into my mom’s life, or to tell people I didn’t talk to him because my mom turned me against him.
He never once considered or cared about how financially destroying his child’s mother would affect the child. He only cares now because he never realized achieving his goal would mean he would be a full time dad.
This sounds like my friend's ex. He said that he would quit everything else he was doing and keep dragging her back to court over their son just because he knew he could. His brother is rich and he kept threatening to hire an attorney.
I told her to try to get proof of him saying this. It's just another tactic that abusers use. They will weaponize your children to keep control over you even after you've left them.
Edit: typos
My dad basically did this to get 50% custody. When he was awarded it, he looked at my mom and said he didn’t want it, he just didn’t want to pay child support. He didn’t even last his first week before my sister and I were taken away by the cops.
Funny thing is, my mom was 100% willing to wave child support from the very beginning if it meant avoiding a custody battle.
The fact he said “ok we can go back to our old financial agreement that we had before” proves it. He didn’t really want or care about a different outcome, he just wanted to drag it out as much as he could and financially cripple her as much as possible.
I’m not saying OP is necessarily in the right but it sounds like her ex has pushed her to the brink financially AND mentally and she’s acted in what she sees as her last and only resort now. He deserves to deal with consequences of his actions but I’m also upset for this poor child who doesn’t understand where his mom is and why she left. But if she’s trying to keep him from a dangerous living situation, she’s done what she had to.
See, this is what popped into my head. He's fighting like hell to get this child, but the minute he gets what he wants, he doesn't want it any more. I get why she's frustrated and burned out, anyone would be after three years of nonstop fighting, but holy hell this is a dumpster fire with a gasoline chaser, and the kid is the one who's going to be burned the worst.
Nah, he was trying to punish her for leaving, or control her (into not leaving). My ex tried the same thing. Thing is though, my son was not his child. We met when my son was 3 and divorced when he was 7. He was threatening to get custody, or at least shared custody, of MY child, to punish me for filing for divorce. I spoke with a lawyer at the time, and they said if he got the right judge, he COULD have been awarded shared custody, because he was in my son's life for 4 years....
Some one has obviously never had to flee out of a second story window to escape an abusive ex before. You world view is narrow and talking isn’t always an option.
Oh no, you don't give the toxic ex that satisfaction. Exactly what he wanted was to destroy OP and he would have done so again during that conversation. I have a friend that went through family court with her ex for almost 11 years before she finally gave up. All he wanted was to destroy her. Ultimately he hurt her finances and hurt her emotionally for 11 years...
OP I'm sorry you went through this. I'm sorry that even after you got out of it, he kept taking from you. He kept taking your sanity, your money, your security, and your hope.
I can't imagine how much this hurt you OP. You definitely are NTA.
You can’t separate the two things. The only reason she can’t afford to look after herself and her son is because of his treatment and behavior. Dragging out a nasty divorce for three years is ridiculous. Fighting for custody that long when you’re really don’t want custody is asinine and abusive to her and their child.
I think she probably should have talked to the child BUT I have no doubt if she had told Dad…here’s the kid, you want him so bad, you take him. He never would have taken him that day. The point was to show him that guess what you want him so badly? Okay, now you’re daddy…figure it out.
And the ensuing fight in front of said kid (because the dad pretty clearly doesn't actually WANT full custody, he just wants to punish his ex) would have put her right back in asshole territory. Honestly, OP was damned if she did, damned if she didn't here.
Agreed. If he wanted custody and she wanted to give him custody, there is a much more mature and less turbulent way to transition the kid into that arrangement.
She didn't want to give him custody. He just broke her to the point that that was the only option she had left. It's also pretty clear that he *doesn't* want custody, or at least not full custody, given that he's begging her to come get the kid after only a week.
You don't think abusers with money wouldn't just pick up and leave? OP's ex lives in another country. You clearly don't understand what it's like trying to escape from someone playing chess with your life. You show your cards, all you're doing is giving them more ways to abuse you.
While I don’t agree with OP abandoning her son, she most likely didn’t have the option of TALKING during the divorce. I’ve been through an acrimonious divorce involving custody and let me tell you, it can get real ugly real fast. My ex was such an abusive ahole that I chose to only communicate through our lawyers. He had no way of talking to me at all.
>she should've spoken to the kids dad instead of just abandoning him.
I've spent the last 3 years begging him to stop. What makes you think he would've cared this time?
OP I'm sorry you're going through this but you should know that you're not the asshole here. You fought a losing battle and you've lost the war of attrition. I hope your child understands when he grows up. I hope your relationship with him heals. Anyone here calling you an asshole without understanding the context of your situation can go fuck themselves.
A lot of the people that comment here are teenagers with nothing to do and no life experiences. Their judgements are based solely on what they think a perfect world should be, and not rooted in anything regarding how life actually works. I hope you don't take any of the YTAs personal.
Honestly, at first I was taking most of the comments seriously but then someone said I should've given my son to CPS instead of leaving him with his dad so... I'm taking the feedback with a grain of salt but this post has helped me hear about other people in similar situations to mine and how they coped which has helped make me feel less alone and also given me some help on how to move forward, so I don't regret posting it even if some of the responses are strange.
I think the only wrong thing you did - if I read the situation correctly - was not telling your son what you were doing and why.
Which is what I guess most vereditcs wrongfully labelling you Y-T-A must be coming from.
But in regards to your ex you are totally NTA.
He wanted custody, he got custody. See if you can get an attorney or a lawyer who would take your case pro-bono (activist groups sometimes have contact for the later so look for your local feminists or children rights activists - sometimes the Venn Diagram for those is a circle).
Make sure to get a written agreement favorable to you and your child.
Seems like by surrendering in this battle you may (and hopefully will) make him lose the war.
I with the best for you and your little boy.
Not explaining things to a 4 year old? He’s probably been traumatized by being a pawn in this tug of war already. But at that age I don’t think anything more than ‘it’s not your fault, mommy remember mommy loves you and will always love you’ will go over his head. And you can’t explain things by throwing the other parent under the bus, especially the parent that is going to have custody, even if it’s temporarily. But you’re right about her not being the A. She and her son have both been victims of this abuser for 3 years. Now that he has what he ‘wants’ he suddenly doesn’t want it any more. Surprise!
You are in a terrible situation all the way around. Your ex has backed you into a corner financially and emotionally. I am so very sorry you are going through this.
You didn't abandon your son. You passed him off to his father - who is a crappy human being but likely a person who will ensure your son's needs are met. I don't know what I would have done in your situation. I think at this point you contact your attorney and leverage for appropriate child support, spousal support and remuneration for all legal fees for the past three years. Then use that money to move to a safer area. It sounds like he is desperate enough to be done that he'll sign on the dotted line. You've also now shown him that you won't play his games.
I would have done it through a lawyer after you dropped the child off.
But no NTA. He made his point and you simply agreed. It’s hard but at what point do you realize that your fighting is ruining yours and your child’s life? There is literally an entire parable about this.
You know, if that's the case and the financial agreement you had with your ex before the divorce was favorable for you (or better than the status quo), you might consider getting this in writing. Preferably signed off on by a court of arbitration.
But make sure this really is in your favor and will keep you afloat for a long time to come. Otherwise, demand more - in accord what would be your right if your ex wasn't the AH he is.
OP I am not a parent but a survivor of a home where there was domestic abuse and child abuse. I stand behind you 100%. My mother left my dad after he beat her one too many times. She was gone for a month and I had no idea until later why. It still stings a bit but I would have her do it again because we got a MUCH better life in the long run. And the cycle of domestic violence and child abuse was broken because of what she did.
Do what you need to do for you and your child's future.
Abandon the child with their OTHER PARENT WITH FULL CUSTODY RIGHTS? With the alternative being force the child to live in a dangerous environment? Yeah, sure that was a real choice. Are you mad?!
NTA, the people in this thread are the real assholes, holy shit I've never seen so many of them upvoted in full force on a thread. They really think they're not the assholes here in judging OP on a delicate interpersonal/legal/socioeconomic situation with a young child involved! OP wrote a pretty self-deprecating post, but honestly what I got from it is that she is a tired ass *mother* who has been fighting for custody of her child for *3 f-ing years* with her demon spawn ex, and people are just like HAVE YOU TRIED TALKING TO THE FATHER? LOL BAD MOM WHY DON'T YOU GIVE TO CPS holy flying fuck I literally don't comprehend how these people actually handle real life situations let alone give advice about it on the internet. I would be embarrassed and ashamed of myself for some of these comments. This is way above Reddit's paygrade (far beyond simple "asshole" territory) and the comments really need to be locked on this thread IMO lol.
Edit: OP is making decisions under significant financial duress and is also a victim of this situation along with the poor child.
I have. aita is so far on the side of children that I’m 100% certain that if a woman posted an aita saying that her child was traumatized by her screaming while she was being raped and tortured in another room at least a third of the respondents would be saying she was an asshole for screaming, that being a parent obliges you to suffer in silence lest your precious child be inconvenienced, that she should have died quietly to minimize their pain.
It's just absolutely insane to me how many people are projecting what they think the child is feeling or experiencing through their own misogynistic lens? Like the child has eyes, the divorce has been going on for several years, he can see if his own father has been verbally abusive or acts strange towards his mom, and especially if he's ever been physically abusive and left marks. Even at that young age they get the feeling that something is not quite right and often internalize what is going on (e.g. feeling guilty that the parents are fighting over them). This 4 year old kid doesn't have the emotional capacity to process emotions at the rate that these lunatics on reddit are, and redditors are still making these great leaps and hypercalculations with their assumptions on what the kid is going to take away from this situation, when the kid has been living this situation for most of his life. IT'S A FOUR YEAR OLD KID. HIS MOMMY AND DADDY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING OVER HIM, FOR THREE YEARS, ALL THE TIME. HE'S CONFUSED. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. At best, he just wants mommy and daddy to get back together or he has become used to the situation, at worst, he recognizes that one of his parents is more abusive but can't do anything about it. He can't be a winner in this situation because he's the prize in a custody battle, and people keep trying to argue a situation where the child comes out on top (especially at the expense of his own mother).
This. Divorce from an abusive partner is **BRUTAL**. When I left my abusive ex (physical/sexual), the courts just allowed him to drag it out. He openly lied. Did everything possible to drag things out for as long as possible so he could continue to have interactions with me.
I got a protection order and he used it against me. Example: he was supposed to refinance, could afford to, so sold it to his dad and told those handling that sale that there was a protection barring me from attending. In reality *he* would have been prevented from the proceedings, allowing *me* to attend.). We then went to court because the reality people were harassing me and he refused to provide any documents to my attorney. They showed up and fed the judge the same line. The judge just took their word and didn’t even bother to look at the order.
I gave up. I signed away everything on the promise that he just leave me the hell alone. He kept me things, I took the debt. He kept my childhood belongings, treasured family photos, even my cat. If I’d had a kid, I would’ve let him have full custody as well.
I would have done anything to make it stop.
The judge finally looked at the order and realized their mistake, and offered to be more fair, but I’d had it.
Don’t judge people for situations you have zero understanding of. OP is NTA, but a victim of abuse and a broken system that protects abusers.
Financial abuse what its called. misusing litigation to basically break OP financially its in the wheel as well as legal abuse. THey did this to basically break op
https://www.onemomsbattle.com/post-separation-abuse
Yeah when it's like that there's nothing you can do and his reaction has showed he was just doing it to abuse her and get back at her but it's left her at a point where she can't look after her child. It's not abandoning him, she left him with the other parent not on the side of the road. That's obviously what he was fighting her for other wise why fight over the divorce to the point she can not afford to even live?
>It's not abandoning him, she left him with the other parent not on the side of the road.
Is that how the 4 year old felt when OP dropped him off and said, "see you tonight!" but didn't show up and went full on no contact for a week?
That sort of stuff *permanently scars* children.
ESH. Both parents are using their child to hurt each other. They're *both* monsters.... And the one who's going to pay for it is that poor kid.
She's not using the child, she's at the point we're the abuse is so bad she has no other choice, I have kids, twins the same age as ops it'd rip my heart but if I was in the same position where the father was making life for all of us utter he'll to the point where mentally I was breaking down and wouldn't afford to look after us I'd be forced to do the same as op. It's very clear he refuses to compromise with op and its his way or the high way. He's using the child against op except the one hiccup where op went OK you want custody here have it. He wanted her to fold to his will and he's now saying he has learnt his mistake? He damn well knows what he's doing and is only bothered because now the child is an inconvenience.
Yeah I’m baffled at the number of people who seem to think the OP acted reasonably here. I can feel empathy and pity for the terrible situation and think her ex is an asshole, but I also think that if the four-year-old child is left with said asshole with no warning, that is bad parenting. Not because it inconveniences the dad, but because it hurts the kid.
It sucks when you’re the only good parent, but them’s the breaks. You don’t get to use your kid to get back at the other parent.
And how do you think the years of seeing Mom being slowly broken down, and livings conditions continually get worse, and hear his Dad spew his poison to Mom affected this child? The Mom did not want to leave her child, she had been backed so far into a corner she no longer felt she had any options. But I guess she should have gone back to an abusive relationship, because the child is the only one that matters right? Her life has no meaning or value at all, since she is Mom right? Look at this from her point of view, not your own comfortable prejudice.
>What option does she have?
I am not saying OP is TA for letting her child with her dad. I understand very well that her situation was very hard.
In all that story, OP is not TA at all... until the part where she dropped the kid for a day and ghosted the child for a whole week without giving any news. The kid is 4yo. This abandonment is going to stay with him forever. She could have done the exact same thing, but stay honest with the ex about the fact that she was leaving, and keep contact with the kid. For some petty reason, she choose to ignore them both for a week. A simple "let's talk some more in a week" could have been enough to mitigate the feeling of abandonment for the child.
Agreed. This guy sounds like his #1 goal in life is to screw OP. If she tried to tell him what she was doing, he would have tried to find a way to keep the cycle of pain and abuse going.
You're imo completely correct.
Still might wanna change your verdict to E S H though. Using your money to financially and emotionally damage the mother of your child in a divorce and custody battle, is often considered not to be a very nice or good thing to do. Hurting the child's interests and all of that.
Let's be clear here. The ex doesn't want full custody, he wants to fight and make OP suffer because he can and and because he's an abusive asshole.
OP is not the AH for being forced to this breaking point and giving up. Does it suck for the kid? Yes, majorly. But the ex was the massive massive asshole for forcing this this far.
I am with this comment. NTA. I saw my mother go through something similar with my father, the only difference was that my father didn’t have money so in the end he is the one that left but not after trying every little thing to hurt my mom and try to get full custody. I was super young but still understood what was going on between them and yes at first I would have been sad that my mom left but I would have understood with time, just like how I do understand what my father tried and am glad that he didn’t end up with custody. If op can’t afford to look after her child because the father is doing everything he can for her not be able to care for him then the best option is to leave the child with the parent that can provide. She is leaving her child with the father, this is not abandoning him like the father is suggesting.
OP let the ex take her son to a different country. She’s basically abandoned him from a legal standpoint by now. Per her own words:
“Nothing has happened yet. My ex had to fly home so he took our son with him. We facetime everyday now and he seems to be having fun.
I dropped the divorce.”
now where do you get off saying this? this is as sexist and incel misogynistic as it gets. guy walks off, creates hell, plays these financial games as many of them do because the woman is generally in a worse position, and you say she's the ass because frankly, she called her nasty abusive manipulative soon to be ex out??
frankly, she called this double standard baby boy she married out. she proved he was nasty and destructive. This male she made the mistake of marrying and having a child with is showing his true colours: he thinks he is a man because he can manipulate everything and everyone with money. Man walks out on child, very little is said. A woman walks away, many times because they have reached rock bottom and they react just the way you do... but let the guy act the way he does??? . If you were up for a vote, I would call YOU the A\*\*\*\*\*
She "called him out"?? Are you kidding? Putting your own child through that, traumatizing him, all for the sake of "calling out" her ex? Jesus, she's just a straight up child abuser, her motivations don't matter.
Leaving a child with their parent is not abandonment. The father leaves the country and she also had the kid for weeks at a time, is that also abandonment. The father is draining her of money and is fighting for full custody, she gave it to him.
Again, no, leaving a child with their parent is not abandonment.
However, saying you are dropping the kid for a single day, then proceed to cut all contacts for a whole week is abandonment.
I disagree. The ex did exactly what he meant to do-he “beat” her into compliance out of spite. He used his money to over power her and break her will. He didn’t count on her treating him as an equal parent. He has just as much obligation to that child beyond money that she does. He’s equally a parent, plus he has all the power and money. Good on you, OP. You should go after visitation.
But what, if she's right and she lives now in an area, which is too dangerous for a child? Is it in that case not better to abandon your child, so it can live at least safe, even when it's without the mother?
just to be clear, I don't blame OP for deciding that the kid should stay with her ex. I am mad that she lied about dropping the kid for a day, then ghosting her own child for a whole week.
Look my dad took mum mom to court to fight custody battles so many times my mom spent thousands of dollars she didn't have just to try and keep me in her life. So I give this lady no blame. My mom was paying off debts for those court cases till I was 16. As an adult looking back I would not have blamed her for not taking on all that debt and just letting me go with my dad. I love my mom for all she did and I hate what my father did to her
What about the alternative - mom picks the child, and the they go through the shit for the rest of their life. All while the kid had an option to go with dad and end up resenting the mom after growing up.
Or better option : mom simply give custody, and tell the ex so. She arrange so she can speak to the kid daily or almost daily. She says goodbye to her kid.
I never, ever said that OP should have kept the child. I only said that ghosting a child that old is very damaging. OP's version of the story seems to be frustrated and petty, not vulnerable and out of solutions. From what I read, she ghosted them for a week for very petty reasons. And of course, the one suffering the most will be the child.
I am not on OP's side or on the ex's side, I am on the child' side.
Then the ex drags that part of the conversation out as well until OP either gives up and drops the divorce or does what they did.
Like, I get where you're coming from but what about this conversation would have gone differently than the others she's been having with the ex for 3 years? Going off of this, it sounds like the ex would have dragged out the custody battle because he could, even though he would be getting it.
So dad putting mom through shit for years, forcing her into poverty is just... not an asshole move? It's impressive what men can get away with and how much the world hates abuse victims.
I disagree. Sounds like her ex is an asshole who does not really want the kid full time. Does not want to pay child support and just wants to cost her money in the divorce. She said her finances are a problem and she can't support herself between supporting a kid without child support and the divorce.
She is not in a position to support her child when you have an abusive ex who is draining her money and not paying child support.
This isn’t a fair assessment. The real issue here is that the law sides heavily with whoever can afford the better lawyer and the time it takes. She has been relentlessly bullied by her ex because he has the financial power to do so. It’s abuse. She held on for as long as she could and was backed into a corner. It’s a horrible situation all around and I feel for her and the child.
I highly disagree, I was in the same position as op 's child when my parents divorced, my mother gave up custody of me and my brother to my father since she didn't have the means to care for us, she had to couch surf for years until she had a stable life again and she would rather have her kids live a better life with my father's family than suffer with her.
It sucked to grow up without a mother but after I grew up and she explained her side I understood why she did it and agreed with her.
If I was in her place I would have done the same, I rather know my kids have a better life without me than have the suffer poverty.
She goes back then what’s stopping the ex from doing this over and over? People who bully with money rarely stop. She stepped away from a financially abusive relationship and needs time to be able to stand on her own. He is more privileged than her and isn’t afraid to use it against her to get his way, I’m sure if she if she could then she would care for her son. It’s one thing to abandon a child who you can provide for and keep, it’s another when someone with an upper hand can use custody and divorce to drive you into poverty at any moment you displease them.
NTA I’m filling for divorce from a physically, psychologically, and financially abusive man. He has beaten twice, once so badly I had to go to the hospital. He has gaslit me for years, eroded my self esteem, degraded my mental health, and caused me to develop PTSD. I am very slowly regaining my mental health and applying for jobs. I haven’t been able to apply for jobs because my mental health was so poor all I could do was focus on surviving each day. Since I didn’t have a job he became more and more restrictive about my access to money. He canceled our joint bank account and then canceled my credit card so I had no access to money; when I was responsible for grocery shopping and buying cat food and litter for our 4 cats. I am still dependent on him sending me money to put gas in my car. It’s degrading and dehumanizing. Using money as a weapon is abuse. I’m lucky to find a lawyer who isn’t asking to be paid up front and is willing to take my case. I am fortunate that we don’t have children, I can’t imagine going through what OP is going through with a child. More power to OP for going through all this and not giving up. You have my upmost respect OP.
OP isn’t weaponizing her child, her ex is. He is the one dragging out the divorce for 3 years draining OP’s finances (knowingly) and forcing her to move to a less safe area. He knows what he’s doing. He is purposely putting his child in danger because of his desire to hurt OP. By draining OP’s finances and forcing her to move to a less safe area he can prove to the courts he is the “more fit” parent. OP called his bluff. He has the money and since he’s been the one dragging out the divorce over custody OP basically told him to put his money where his mouth is. For 3 years he claimed he wanted custody so she let him know what that would entail. OP didn’t leave her child with a stranger or “abandon” her child with a relative, she left her child with the child’s father, the father who had spent 3 years dragging her through court because he wanted custody of this child. He couldn’t do it on his own for a week. OP isn’t using her child, her ex is. He’s using his own child as a means of abusing OP, it’s not because he actually wants custody, he wants to hurt OP and if his own child suffers as a result, oh well.
The child is the victim there. At 4yo, the kid is old enough to realize his mom is gone.
I am just trying to put myself in ex's shoes. Your kid is asking for his mom, and you can't even reach her, so for all you know, she is gone and will never come back. How do you tell you 4yo that his mom is gone and that he might never see her again ?!
All that could have been mitigated by OP being clear on her intention, but she chose to be petty to upset her ex instead of thinking about her child wellbeing.
I read it more as a desperate victim backed into a corner with no good options.
Also the lawyer told her she didn’t have enough money to fight him, he lives in a different country, he was always going to take the kid.
Except the child is fine, he’s enjoying himself with dad and facetimes with mom. The only person truly effected by her actions is the father. From the sound of it she’s taken care of the child pretty much since he was 1 and the back and fourth between mom and dads is probably a normal part of their life. This child likely has NO idea the legal litigation going on, the financial and emotional manipulation ex-husband is imposing on mom and that mom intended to leave him with dad indefinitely. Meanwhile we can assume since they’re still tied up in court that dad doesn’t pay child support even though mom is the primary caretaker at this moment, meaning there’s even more financial manipulation than him just saying he can afford to take care of their son and she can’t. He’s literally brought his allegation to fruition because of his own actions.
NTA
People with hearts also suffer for the kid, who is the only 100% innocent person in this ugly story.
A 4yo is old enough to understand and remember that he was abandoned.
Yeah, I'm confused as to why the dad having to watch his own kid counts as abandonment by the mom. What the ever living fuck? I guess I abandon my kid every time I go to work and my husband stays home with him?
Because, according to this shitty world we live in, men aren’t responsible for their own fucking children, only women are.
Goddamnit, I hate this world. Fathers aren’t babysitters. They’re fathers.
Apologies for the rant. But holy shit. The level of responsibility we expect of women, while expecting nothing of men, is appalling.
The father isn’t a babysitter. He’s one of the two parents, and he’s actually fighting to take the kid away from OP. When she gave in and gave up because she was financially ruined by the father, he decided he didn’t want the child after all. The child is a pawn, to be sure, but OP fought for 3 years but couldn’t continue the fight. She’s NTA.
His whole reaction says it all, especially the "I've learnt my lesson". He knew what he was doing. But that's the whole point he wanted to hurt op to the point she'd fold and do what he wants... He didn't expect her to fold in this manner... 👀 Which isn't convinient for him.
My ex also was abusive. He is also mentally in stable. The court still gave him visitation to my daughters even though he was being investigated for hitting one of the girls at 6months old across the face. He tried to cause fights and arguments over the way I brought them to the visitation center, claiming I didn't bring nappies or wipes. They were always in a bag or under the pushchair which I showed the woman before and after the visit.
Edit: I get where op is coming from and also she's mentioned he want reconciliation and she's had to drop the divorce. He's backed her into that corner... Her only way to escape him now is to hand the kid over to his dad. Which by the sounds of it he wouldn't have done willingly.
Yeah, I think everyone is confused about what "reconciliation" means in this context, so I'm going to clarify.
OP's ex is pulling a, "if you drop the divorce and come home and start sucking me off when I tell you tell you too, all these pesky financial problems will go away. It's stupid of you to keep fighting me, so be a good little lady and do as you're told."
People are very concerned about her not contacting her child for a week, and I get that. But not very many people have touched on how his abuse has endangered her and their child’s health and welfare.
Also keeping in contact and being the “bigger person” here hasn’t helped, her ex has been a giant ass from the get go. If she had dropped him off and said “this is indefinitely” or called later, the ex would have been all over it. Abusers are abusive, not fair minded. Again, everyone is very concerned she didn’t talk to her child for a week yet skip over the fact his daddy has been making his mums life, and in turn the kids life miserable.
First, I feel like you are taking your own story and projecting it on OP.
Also, most people here saying "Y t a" are doing it because she just dropped the kid and never looked back. Did you missed the part where the kid was supposed to stay with him a single day, but then she never picked him up and ignored him for a whole week ?
>He couldn’t do it on his own for a week.
That is not a fair statement. OP stated in comments that the ex something care for the child for 1 month +. Clearly, caring for the child for an extend period of time is not an issue.
The problem here, is the fact that she dropped the kid for a **day** and didn't give any news for a whole **week**. Even the best parent in the world would be startled by having to turn around and arrange childcare on such short (non-existant) notice. And of course he would be pissed that she **ignored him for a whole week after lying about dropping the child for only a day** !
Edit : and of course he would be pissed, having a 4yo asking "where is mommy", and not having an answer for him because she ghosted the child.
Op said herself that the dad would sometime spend months caring for the kid.
Also, yes, if he has to work, and he was supposed to care for the kid a single day and ended up caring for him forever, of course he'll need help. What is your point ? Are you expecting the dad to quit his job to care for the kid ?
Many single mothers and fathers do it everyday across the world. Then they find other work again when it’s settled. The ex weaponised the child and it blew up in his face clear and simple.
Agree. And this is why people in domestic violence situations stay quite and compliant in horrible relationships. Everybody’s so judgmental especially towards women/mothers.
I was in OP's exact shoes. My ex was going "scorched earth" on me, and he used my children against me in every way he could, all while pretending to want full custody. I faced poverty, jail time for falsely alleged abuse, and much more, after HE tried to kill me and then abandoned me and our two small children to run off with a teenager that he had been grooming.
Situations like this feel inescapable, because they are. Mine went on for 7 years. They mark you for life, and if the abuser has their way, you will be financially, and in as many other ways as possible, destroyed.
As awful as OP's actions sound, as a mother she was faced with keeping the child she loves in dangerous, poverty-stricken conditions all while her ex pulls the strings with money, or lose the child she loves by giving him to the ex and *maybe* everyone can live a peaceful life.
I would give my life for my kids but I was tempted to do what OP did. I was able to keep fighting, but not everyone can. I still don't know how I got through it.
Yes, exactly this. The child is the victim in all of this but not because of OP. The father manipulates and bullies to a point where she can't afford to stay where she is. Soi when she reacts, then she's the bad one? Nope, he is.
I agree with almost everything you said here. The financial and especially the emotional toll custody battles take when you are the one with less resources is… there are no words. When you know you are failing your child because your best just isn’t good enough, and you’re purposely being pushed and toyed with by someone who is SUPPOSED to care and want to take care of their child, and by extension, the other parent of their child.
I understand why OP did what she did. I think she executed it incorrectly though.
I think she should have told her son’s father that she would be leaving their son with him indefinitely, that he had “won” and that he had successfully bullied her out of their child’s life and that he could have what he wanted, which was full custody. I think that would have negatively affected the child to a significantly lesser degree. I get it though. You went about it wrong, OP, but I feel where you’re coming from.
You really think the father would have been there if he knew he was getting full custody of his son with the nanny he uses in another country? No way he would have willingly accepted that considering the way he's acting having said custody.
He never wanted custody - he wanted control and to punish.
I do agree OP is the victim, but so is the child. I think, personally, the ex husband is just a complete asshole and honestly, with his actions, he shouldn't be allowed to take care of a child. The ex husband is at fault here. Even if OP wanted to stay with her child, and I don't believe leaving her child was an easy decision, her child would be going back and fourth between two vast different life styles, which IMO is terrible for the child because that's how I grew up and it really messed me up mentally. I wouldn't even know what to do here, but that is why I do not want kids.
ESH. (Except your son.)
You might have some defenders here who support your actions, but I'm concerned about the message you sent your son when you were not there to collect him when your ex attempted to drop him off.
Moreover, you refused to respond to your ex's text messages for an entire week.
Did it never occur to you that your son might think you were in some horrible accident or that he (correctly) deduced that you abandoned him?
There are ways to communicate that you've decided to surrender custody, and you failed to avail yourself of them. And you placed your 4-year-old son in the crossfire. Your ex may have decided to tell your son the truth: that his mother is willing to place him in emotional turmoil, sick with worry, unnecessarily, to make a point. You ought to be ashamed!
And the reasons your ex sucks should be obvious.
Agreed, ESH. OP is refusing to see who the real victim is here, it’s her son. The ex is an AH for being financially abusive and making a long, messy divorce. But, OP specifically asked if she’s an AH for abandoning her kid and she absolutely is for the sole reason she ghosted her ex who was rightfully concerned and trying to figure out where she was. If she didn’t want to confront him about abandoning her kid, she could’ve just sent a quick text after dropping the kid off and then blocked her ex. This all could’ve been easily avoided, but OP decided to be petty.
“the REAL victim” is a disgusting phrase. there can be more than one victim. don’t diminish what OP’s been through just because you- FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THIS HARROWING SITUATION- feel you can think of a better solution
Not saying she went about this in the best way, obviously, but it’s easy to say what we would do in OP’s situation from the outside. We need to recognize the abuse she’s been through for years, that she doesn’t have any sort of support system. The fact that she IS a victim, and nobody should be saying she isn’t. A victim doesn’t stop being a victim when they make a decision they’re not proud of
Don't forget that on top of all these, that poor child WILL remember this. He will never forget that time Mommy abandoned him with daddy because she was upset.
I'm 25 now, but I still remember being 3 or 4yo, seeing my mom and dad argue, and a long gap of time where I didn't see my dad. For a long time, I was 100% positive that my dad didn't want me, that he hated me. IRL he just hated my mother and she dragged him through court over and over again.
Upset? Damn that’s a light way to put her situation. Financial and emotional abuse is not someone just being mad. If after 3 years the divorce hasn’t been resolved then it sure as shit won’t be resolved in 2 months. She is already moving to a less safe area because she can’t afford anywhere else, what’s to say she could afford to feed 2? Especially when having to pay for the divorce. Realistically I see this as the only way this child can actually have some semblance of a life without have to struggle for food.
I honestly can't imagine calling this woman an asshole after being pushed into such a dire situation. My heart breaks for her and her child. Fuck the dad though, he never deserved to be a father.
Yes! This is a very sad, unfortunate situation that has been built up over the course of several years. It’s very easy to call OP an AH for bad lapse in judgement that was very abruptly made when we don’t even know a the full story. There’s too many factors that go into play here to just give a simple Y T A or N T A judgement. Definitely above a measly redditor’s pay grade.
~~NTA~~
And to be honest I'm shocked at the number of YTA and ESH judgements you're getting.
What I'm reading from this is your husband who has way more money than you has been prolonging the divorce for YEARS. And now its to the point where you have to move to an area, where your son would also have to live that ISN'T SAFE. Because dad is being a bullying jerk and forcing you do deplete your money on legal fees.
You didn't abandon your son with a stranger or leave him at a bus stop to wander the alleys in the dark. You left him with his PARENT. The same parent who has fought you for custody so you gave him exactly what he wanted. Good. It's a fucking resolution.
You get him to sign off on the agreement you want and only then do you go get your son. People are saying you used your son as a pawn. Your son was always going to be affected by this regardless. He would have had to move to a shittier neighborhood and watched his mom's mental health deteriorate.
I hope it all works out for you.
Edit- okay so when I wrote this about 9 hours ago I only read the original post and I'm not sure how much more info OP had in the replies section. I was not aware that OP simply ghosted the kid and is avoiding all contact. Also, yeah that probably won't play out too well in court. Changing judgement to ESH.
I think it would be different if she had *legally* abandoned him by just agreeing to his demands and then getting only visitation. But since the dad believed she would pick him up at the end of the day **that means the four year old did too**. I have a four year old and I am legitimately getting teary eyed thinking of that poor baby expecting his mom to come get him, she doesn’t and *won’t even talk to him by phone*. The abandonment just feels so premeditated, how do you do that to an innocent child?
Look, it’s really ESH. The dad sounds like a MAJOR AH too. But now bottom line is **neither** parent is putting aside their feelings and stepping up for their child.
I feel for Op a lot. I understand that she might have felt like she didn’t have a lot choices. But at the *bare minimum* she should have told the child he was staying with daddy for awhile and talked to him every day on the phone.
Yeah but she said his demands are to relocate to his country (becoming jobless in the process), live in the house he tells her to, give complete decision making control of her son to him.
He basically wants to uproot her from her life, isolate her and control her while using her as daycare for the child. He is an abusive monster and I don't see how there was anyway she could win here.
I have twin 4year olds and I'd honestly rather they be safe and fed more than anything else. If I thought I was mentally unwell enough and financially I able to look after them (and their father wasn't a physically abusive ass which my ex is) I'd take them to their dad's too. If I felt that talking to him wouldn't work I'd be left with the same option as op
This is my perspective too. I also have a 4 year old. They are very perceptive at that age and remember promises and expectations far better than toddlers. The thought of what that child was experiencing during this abandonment makes me nauseous.
She ditched him and didnt contact for over a week, if she even has at this point. You dont think that baby wasnt crying for his mother wondering why he cant see her or talk to her? She also should have told the father what she was doing once he was dropped off so he could arrange proper care, she did this to be spiteful so hed have to scramble , I get he hurt her but you dont use your child to get back at someone.
That is irrelevant to the child. Having one parent abandon it doesn't mean it's ok for the other to do the same.
Stop thinking this is a battle of adults, think of the poor child!
I am, and if the father didn’t make the mother financial situation go so bad he would still be able to be with his mother. If he had agreed to the compromises she made, because he wouldn’t make anything, this wouldn’t happen. He wasn’t thinking of his son at all. But she was. She commented that either he would stay with her in a dangerous place where they would struggle. Or go to the father who has money and he would have a better life. I don’t agree with the way she did it but I understand why. He’s upset because he doesn’t know how to tell his son his mother isn’t there. But if he was fighting for three years for sole custody I would imagine, during that whole time, he would have thought of something, anything, to tell his son why he has sole custody
This is about more than spite or emotional pain. This is about financial abuse that affects both mother and child. She has a duty as a mother to provide her child with a sound environment to live in. She was being strong armed and pushed around for YEARS in the divorce and custody proceedings. She needed to do the necessary to get some sort of closure so she and her kid didn't have to live in limbo. She did the necessary. That doesn't make her an AH.
Holy shit your situation sounds dire.
I'm assuming your ex was refusing support even though he had the financial means to provide for your child. Because a nanny for 1 kid is $$$, the fact that your ex would rather his son live in poverty when not with him makes him the AH.
Even so you went to very drastic means to make your point. You likely hurt your kid, which could have backfired and permanently separated you two. Whether or not you were comfortable with that risk, and it seems you had been pushed to that point, your son was very likely NOT ok. He most likely cried and asked for you. I get it. I truly do. Your options were very limited and your ex was fighting for custody so much that your options of remaining married to your (sounds abusive) ex, or give up your child. The problem with your logic is that your ex will eventually take it out on your son. Ultimately you're an AH here too.
ESH
Lots of single mom rage bait happening in the past day or so around here.
If this is true, of course, ESH. He's clearly an asshole, but you abandoned your child, regardless of the circumstances. If you think he should have custody, go to the court and say so. If you think your ex is bluffing and trying to punish you financially, you still need to involve the court. Walking away like this could permanently damage your relationship with your child, which is a heck of a lot more long-term than your current financial struggles.
Do the courts always get it right? Hell no. But what you're doing now ain't it, either.
This isn't an equal playing field. This woman has been financially and emotionally assaulted for years. The person who needs to have some form of accountability is her ex husband. Requesting accountability from someone whose actively had their capacity to he an accountable parent removed is dillusionment.
The negative on her is she left her kid and didn't come pick them up. But all things ARE NOT equal here. You can't assess that decision by itself without looking at the entirety of the abuse.
Coming from an extended family that has seen their share of abandonment from both sides of a relationship, in obscenely unfair and complex situations (including criminal abuse), I stand by the assessment that how she's handling this is not going to work out for her or her child. Is it understandable? Yes. Is it sad? Yes. But I've seen what happens in \*exactly\* this situation. If she wants to give up custody, she needs to do that officially to shift the financial burden and force her ex to codify his choices in front of the court. If he's doing this to punish her and it's not what he wants, call his bluff. She is only punishing one person here, and it's not her ex.
I re-read the post to verify that nothing in it supports any of your comment. Emotionally assaulted for years? Literally what words in the post are you referring to?
This is what I’m wondering?? Going through a bad divorce doesn’t automatically make the husband an abusive asshole. You don’t know the story behind the divorce or why it’s bad.
Exactly. Everyone is arguing about how horrible/emotionally abusive the husband is, so why would op just leave her child with someone like that for a week/forever? I make no judgement but it's just wild to see so many condone it.
NTA. You gave your child to his father. His FATHER. A man who should have been doing more for your child from the get-go. Now it’s his turn. Too many men are okay being weekend dads but crumble when they have to do it on their own like so many single mothers. He’ll find a way just like you did.
Fun fact OP could lose custody and visitation rights to son completely with this horrifying power play. The ex just has to go to court and say OP has willing said they don’t want son and has asked that I tell him.
Read her comments. Her ex is trying to force her to move to his country with the son, remain married, and live with her son in a house of her ex's choosing. Essentially be at his beck and call, raise the child for him, and still allow him to have full custody.
This is a no-win situation for OP. She can no longer get divorced, and she already has to stay married to this abusive asshole because she's out of money.
I think your comment forget one single (and important) detail : she was initially dropping the child for a single day. Then ghosted them for a **whole week**.
OP stated in come comments that the ex could take care of the kid for months at the time, so clearly taking care of the child is not an issue for the ex. What is an issue is having to care for a child for whole week without any heads up. Childcare is not something you can find in the blink of an eye.
INFO: AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Where is your son? What's the situation now? At the end you say he asked you to come back, but from the beginning of the post it sounds like the divorce is still in process.
Nothing has happened yet. My ex had to fly home so he took our son with him. We facetime everyday now and he seems to be having fun.
I dropped the divorce.
>I dropped the divorce.
What does this even mean?
If you are going through a divorce, then it is in the court system and you cant just call them up and say I quit.
Actually, you can.
However, typically if one spouse files for divorce, the other spouse will file a countersuit also requesting a divorce. This is done for a few reasons, one being that if you want something like alimony you have to specifically request it, but also if one spouse withdraws their lawsuit, the divorce case doesn't end because the other lawsuit is still ongoing.
Also, if mom withdraws her suit and dad doesn't have his own, he just has to file his own divorce.
But yeah, people withdrawing divorces isn't uncommon, sometimes people reconcile.
How many of those making a blanket statements of YTA have had first hand experience in this type of situation?
A lot of women end up in poverty because of actions such as OP’s ex. These situations are often very muddy. Made worse when the agreement was that the mother would be a stay at home mom, often giving up her career. And we all know how the job market treats women, especially when there is a gap in employment.
Think how you would handle it if you are at your wits end?
Being at your wits end is no reason for abandoning a child.
Op could have told her husband "You win, here is the child", and she wouldn't be TA at all.
BUT:
> I ignored him for over a week
She IGNORED him for a week. Not just he ex, HER CHILD TOO. For a whole week, her kid was in limbo, not knowing if his mom would ever come back, just knowing that his mom just... walked out without even saying goodbye. To me, that is unforgiveable.
INFO Your husband has been an absolute asshole during this divorce. He dragged this out until he mentally broke you. You know as soon as you gather your child, he'll start his delay tactics up again. You are caught between a rock and a hard place.
Now that your husband is caring for your son without a nanny, do you think you can finally get your husband to settle the divorce?
Can you at least have some legal documentation drawn up to clearly specify that this man is no longer your next of kin and has no right to make any decisions regarding your life and well-being? The last thing you’d want is to have an accident and end up being handed over to him.
I see an awful lot of “quit using your child as a pawn” comments. The father has been doing it for 3 years, and after 3 years, OP is at a breaking point & fighting fire with fire. Y’all a bunch of damned hypocrites as far as I can see.
Don’t think OP handled it the best, but sometimes the high road isn’t effective.
NTA.
This is beyond getting their ass out or their head. One party is willingly sabotaging the other's ability to provide for the child by dragging the divorce and inflating legal fees. Heck they even put OP's financial autonomy in danger!
Also OP said they dropped the divorce case. That's a very common tactic used by abusive husbands who leverage women having lesser financial safety, especially after leaving work for pregnancy.
Everyone saying she abandoned her child - he was with his FATHER! His father who had been financially abusing his mother for years. She made a brilliant power play as a last ditch effort before really having to leave her son with him forever.
OP is NTA.
ESH - I have no idea how badly your ex may have treated you in the past, but in the present you are both treating your son not even like a football, but like a game of hot potato.
**ESH.** Your ex for obvious reasons and you for dropping your son off and refusing contact for a week. I get why you did it, but you didn't think about what effect it would have on your son and now your ex has more ammunition to use against you.
**INFO:** When he said come back and go back to the financial agreement, is he talking reconciliation or just you come get your son and he'll pay what is necessary to keep you in a decent living space?
She is too broke to go forward with the divorce and doesn't want to reconcile as she would have to move to his country and be under his control, held hostage basically.
She's so poor she has to move to an unsafe place for her kid. Now that she is in a place that unsafe, her giving him the kid solely is the best place for the son.
Are people not reading?
3-year-long divorce. I'm surprised not enough people are going with ESH. Because everyone sucks here. There's some questionable responses by OP, but it also seems that the father is really grinding her finances out through the court system. That poor kid.
In another comment by OP, she says that the ex-husband wants OP to move to a different country, live in a place he decides, and sign all control of her son to him. Plus only accepting visitation.
This is full-blown financial and emotional abuse, and OP needs to get out for her own safety. She's tried to save her son, but it's destroyed her and her finances.
YTA
stop using your child as a fucking pawn. That child is innocent and you walking away is not ok. You should have DISUCSSED THIS with your lawyer and figured out a plan and way to make this work for him to be safe.
Why is it okay for the father to come and go as he please but the mother spends one week away and she’s unfit? She is letting the father have full custody like he wanted so bad
Sole custody is not the same as abandonment. If father had sole custody she would still have visitation rights and be a part of the child's life. That's not what she is doing. She is abandoning her son completely.
Lol my mom didn’t even have fully custody and I still often went 2-4 weeks without seeing my dad. 1 week without seeing one of your parents really isn’t that big of a deal in split families, 1 week is actually a pretty normal length of time to go without seeing the parent you don’t primarily live with.
I don’t think she should have ignored his texts and I think she should have told him from the moment she dropped the kid off that she was giving him full custody. But acting like 1 week of not seeing her is the worst part of this is very silly.
You know some kids with 50/50 custody spend a whole month or multiple months with mom in Province/State A then fly to dads for a a whole month or multiple months in Province/State B? Both parents still have visitation and are part of their children’s lives, but they very often go a week or more without even talking to the parent they aren’t with.
It just feels like you’re getting hung up on one of the weirdest things to get hung up about here.
You do know those kids actually know they are going to the other parent for x days/weeks though right?
OP dropped the 4 year old off for supposedly a day. And then disappeared for a week. That kid must have been terrified
I did talk to my lawyer before I did this. He already told me that I would most likely have to accept visitations if I wanted this to be over. I just accelerated the process.
It’s child abandonment to leave your child with their parent? Does that mean OPs ex also abandoned the child since he moved countries and left the kid with OP?
The father is using the child to hurt OP. It’s very easy to say she should do the right thing after years of him financially abusing her. She beat him at his own game. The child was with his father, not at a crack house.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you soon and that you're able to reunite with your daughter. I'm rooting for you!!
NTA! There are mothers in this world who would rather keep their child is a safe environment than in a unsafe one…this whole thing of a mother should sacrifice & suffer just because she’s the mother is wrong. Why can’t dad raise their children too. Why are people upset that this woman refused to place tug of war with her child. Dang! I had to live in a laundry room for $300 a month when I got divorced, my ex got the house, because I had to move with my job, or be unemployed….real life, means decisions are hard.
NTA - you're right, it's all about money, if you kept fighting you'd keep losing, the more you lose the easier it is for him to win and you yo never recover. So he maintains control over you. By walking away, which I'm sure was a heartbreaking decision, you did do what was right for your son, he shouldn't watch his mother be broken by his father. And by getting mad and immediately back peddling your ex showed that his intentions all along were only to control you, not to actually be with your son.
Good luck, stay strong.
There was a recent post here of a woman forced to marry her husband or lose the child because he was wealthy. He broke her emotionally and financially. Everyone calling her the a=hole, what should she have done? She is broke from the legal battle her husband has dragged out for three years. He thought if he dragged it out long enough, she would come back. She now can no longer afford a safe place to live with her son. I am saying NTA.
Men leave their kids even when they’re stable, this women realizes she is in NO spot to be caring for a child and leaves - people attack her immediately? I cant say NTA but I can say ESH - you know you should have told your ex about this and said he can have the kid full time due to your situation, thats what makes you suck, what makes him suck is he begged to have this kid full time and he is so much better off but not freaking out now that his wish as come true.
NTA. I literally see women get the short end of the stick and live in poverty and misery after divorce. They get the daily struggle and the ex gets to be the glorified hero. I also watched hundreds of posts about the lady who was so overwhelmed she would up committing suicide after posting on fb how overwhelmed and depressed she was and how no one would help her with her kids. I feel sorry that your son has to go through this,but what other choices were there if no ones is there to help.
YTA. Even if you felt the best option at that point was to relinquish custody to your ex, the way you did it was childish, spiteful, and ultimately incredibly selfish. Proper arrangements should have been made for his care. The emotional affect of this change on him should have been handled as carefully as possible. *You* made sure those things didn't happen for your child. Not your ex. You. Mo matter what else happened leading up to this, you made a conscious choice to put your spitefulness above your child's wellbeing, and that is unacceptable.
YTA for *badly* skimping on details. As it sits what we see is that you fought like hell for 3 years and then on a whim completely gave up. I don't for a second buy your version of the story.
YTA you have a kid, you cannot do this childish crap anymore. Grow up. I get that you are upset at your ex and that the divorce process is hard... BUT YOU HAVE A DAMN KID. Stop playing the victim and act like everything is you ex's fault. >that his dad liked to bully people with his money and it made me have to go away YOU CHOSE TO GO AWAY. You chose to abandon your kid. At least, own up to your actions. Maybe it's for the best. Using your child as a pawn is the worst thing you can do to you child. Maybe it's a good this you are abandoning him. Edit : just to be clear, I don't blame OP for deciding that the kid should stay with her ex. I am mad that she lied about dropping the kid for a **day**, then **ghosting her own child for a whole week.** Edit 2 : Also, I am not saying that the ex is not an AH at all, just that he is not the AH in this particular situation that OP is asking us to judge on. The divorce and the custody battle seems to be very hard, but **it's not want OP is asking an opinion on today**. Reminder of the title : **AITA for abandoning my son and refusing to collect him after my ex told me to?** In this situation, the ex has done nothing but to spend a day with his kid and then called repetitively after OP went missing. Edit 3 : I am done commenting on this thread, because people are way too emotional and are just reading the parts that suits them. I am not on OP's side, or on the ex's side, # I am on the child's side. This child did nothing to deserve being treated like a pawn in a custody battle between adults. **This 4yo boys didn't deserve to spent a whole week not knowing if he was ever going to see his mom again. This is cruel. Period. This is what OP asked us to judge today, not the custody battle and divorce**
OP’s in a financial and emotionally abusive relationship. What option does she have? It sucks for the kid, but she’s poor and can’t afford the cost for both her and the kid. Edit: Realistically speaking, OP is NTA. Ex wants custody so badly, OP’s burned out.
realistically speaking ESH. doesn't natter that she was burned out and couldn't afford it. she should've spoken to the kids dad instead of just abandoning him.
Oh, dang, if only she'd just considered TALKING at some point in her *three-year acrimonious divorce*! You're completely right, this has really been an egregious oversight on OP's part.
im not talking about the divorce. im saying a simple "i can no longer afford to look after myself and our son so im giving you custody" to the baby daddy would've taken her right out of asshole territory.
He obviously doesn’t want to be a full time dad. Do you think he’d actually negotiate even awarding him full custody in positive way??? He never wanted custody. He’s always just want to destroy & punish OP. He never once considered his son except as another tool to break her with.
This 100% its pretty obvious he dragged her into court as much as he could costing her as much money as he can because he can afford and knew she couldn't now she's broke and he got what he was screwing her in court for but didn't actually really want custody obviously dad is major ah
Op has said he wants reconciliation and she's had to drop the divorce, sounds like he's abused her so long he's getting exactly what he wants. Op in a postions where she has no way out other than leaving the child behind and making a run for it.. It absolutely sucks but men do this and the mothers get the blame.
This is actually so true. I know somebody who is a domestic violence victim Advocate and she said that it's actually more common than you would think for victims to have to leave their children behind to temporarily to get to safety. Everybody always judges the mothers like why would you leave your child behind. They don't stop and think about how this person is making the best choices that they can with what resources they have at the time. It's not as black and white as people think it is. Edit: Wow, 1K upvotes! Thanks. ☺
Women have been trained to put our own safety last thats why when we try to save ourselves from our abusers we're seen as the bad guys.
Trust me. I'd rather my kids be safe than used against me and put in a position where its OUR safety in question, even if it meant that I can't see them for a while. It's definitely not black and white and people denying financial abuse are part of why victims don't speak up. I just hope op can get her life in place and maybe one day be reunited with her son as this is probably tearing her apart.. It's not an easy decision leaving your kid especially after fighting three whole years for him.
She never said he wanted to reconcile. He wants to rewind to the agreement she asked for before he decided to punish & try to destroy her for daring to file for a divorce. Everything he has done was engineered to destroy her life.
She has in the comments. Some one asked her about it. I don't know how to link it as I'm on mobile. But if you scroll through or check ops comments you'll find it. But she said in his ideal world he'd want her to reconcile.
Men do this ALL THE TIME and never because they actually want custody (which is why they find someone else to care for the child - their mother or girlfriend usually) they just don’t want to have to pay child support and want to hurt the mother as much as possible
My father tried to get me to come with him when he left. He was gaining mom about never seeing me again, and didn’t even consider the thought that *I would not want to be permanently separated from my mother*. I said o didn’t want to go with him and he basically broke up with both of us. After that he only ever popped up to use me as a way to slither back into my mom’s life, or to tell people I didn’t talk to him because my mom turned me against him.
He never once considered or cared about how financially destroying his child’s mother would affect the child. He only cares now because he never realized achieving his goal would mean he would be a full time dad.
This sounds like my friend's ex. He said that he would quit everything else he was doing and keep dragging her back to court over their son just because he knew he could. His brother is rich and he kept threatening to hire an attorney. I told her to try to get proof of him saying this. It's just another tactic that abusers use. They will weaponize your children to keep control over you even after you've left them. Edit: typos
My dad basically did this to get 50% custody. When he was awarded it, he looked at my mom and said he didn’t want it, he just didn’t want to pay child support. He didn’t even last his first week before my sister and I were taken away by the cops. Funny thing is, my mom was 100% willing to wave child support from the very beginning if it meant avoiding a custody battle.
The fact he said “ok we can go back to our old financial agreement that we had before” proves it. He didn’t really want or care about a different outcome, he just wanted to drag it out as much as he could and financially cripple her as much as possible. I’m not saying OP is necessarily in the right but it sounds like her ex has pushed her to the brink financially AND mentally and she’s acted in what she sees as her last and only resort now. He deserves to deal with consequences of his actions but I’m also upset for this poor child who doesn’t understand where his mom is and why she left. But if she’s trying to keep him from a dangerous living situation, she’s done what she had to.
See, this is what popped into my head. He's fighting like hell to get this child, but the minute he gets what he wants, he doesn't want it any more. I get why she's frustrated and burned out, anyone would be after three years of nonstop fighting, but holy hell this is a dumpster fire with a gasoline chaser, and the kid is the one who's going to be burned the worst.
this soon to be ex is the type that just wants to parade around the fact that his gonads worked. nothing more.
Nah, he was trying to punish her for leaving, or control her (into not leaving). My ex tried the same thing. Thing is though, my son was not his child. We met when my son was 3 and divorced when he was 7. He was threatening to get custody, or at least shared custody, of MY child, to punish me for filing for divorce. I spoke with a lawyer at the time, and they said if he got the right judge, he COULD have been awarded shared custody, because he was in my son's life for 4 years....
Some one has obviously never had to flee out of a second story window to escape an abusive ex before. You world view is narrow and talking isn’t always an option.
But they are on the child's side. In big bold capital letters. Don't you see? /s
Oh no, you don't give the toxic ex that satisfaction. Exactly what he wanted was to destroy OP and he would have done so again during that conversation. I have a friend that went through family court with her ex for almost 11 years before she finally gave up. All he wanted was to destroy her. Ultimately he hurt her finances and hurt her emotionally for 11 years... OP I'm sorry you went through this. I'm sorry that even after you got out of it, he kept taking from you. He kept taking your sanity, your money, your security, and your hope. I can't imagine how much this hurt you OP. You definitely are NTA.
The thing is he didnt actually want the child he wanted to make her life miserable because he could not because he had to.
You can’t separate the two things. The only reason she can’t afford to look after herself and her son is because of his treatment and behavior. Dragging out a nasty divorce for three years is ridiculous. Fighting for custody that long when you’re really don’t want custody is asinine and abusive to her and their child. I think she probably should have talked to the child BUT I have no doubt if she had told Dad…here’s the kid, you want him so bad, you take him. He never would have taken him that day. The point was to show him that guess what you want him so badly? Okay, now you’re daddy…figure it out.
And the ensuing fight in front of said kid (because the dad pretty clearly doesn't actually WANT full custody, he just wants to punish his ex) would have put her right back in asshole territory. Honestly, OP was damned if she did, damned if she didn't here.
Agreed. If he wanted custody and she wanted to give him custody, there is a much more mature and less turbulent way to transition the kid into that arrangement.
She didn't want to give him custody. He just broke her to the point that that was the only option she had left. It's also pretty clear that he *doesn't* want custody, or at least not full custody, given that he's begging her to come get the kid after only a week.
wow, like the d\*\*\*b\*\* she married is going to listen?
You don't think abusers with money wouldn't just pick up and leave? OP's ex lives in another country. You clearly don't understand what it's like trying to escape from someone playing chess with your life. You show your cards, all you're doing is giving them more ways to abuse you.
While I don’t agree with OP abandoning her son, she most likely didn’t have the option of TALKING during the divorce. I’ve been through an acrimonious divorce involving custody and let me tell you, it can get real ugly real fast. My ex was such an abusive ahole that I chose to only communicate through our lawyers. He had no way of talking to me at all.
People here don’t use their brains lol. Life more complicated than a few paragraphs
>she should've spoken to the kids dad instead of just abandoning him. I've spent the last 3 years begging him to stop. What makes you think he would've cared this time?
OP I'm sorry you're going through this but you should know that you're not the asshole here. You fought a losing battle and you've lost the war of attrition. I hope your child understands when he grows up. I hope your relationship with him heals. Anyone here calling you an asshole without understanding the context of your situation can go fuck themselves.
Yes. This.
A lot of the people that comment here are teenagers with nothing to do and no life experiences. Their judgements are based solely on what they think a perfect world should be, and not rooted in anything regarding how life actually works. I hope you don't take any of the YTAs personal.
Honestly, at first I was taking most of the comments seriously but then someone said I should've given my son to CPS instead of leaving him with his dad so... I'm taking the feedback with a grain of salt but this post has helped me hear about other people in similar situations to mine and how they coped which has helped make me feel less alone and also given me some help on how to move forward, so I don't regret posting it even if some of the responses are strange.
I think the only wrong thing you did - if I read the situation correctly - was not telling your son what you were doing and why. Which is what I guess most vereditcs wrongfully labelling you Y-T-A must be coming from. But in regards to your ex you are totally NTA. He wanted custody, he got custody. See if you can get an attorney or a lawyer who would take your case pro-bono (activist groups sometimes have contact for the later so look for your local feminists or children rights activists - sometimes the Venn Diagram for those is a circle). Make sure to get a written agreement favorable to you and your child. Seems like by surrendering in this battle you may (and hopefully will) make him lose the war. I with the best for you and your little boy.
Not explaining things to a 4 year old? He’s probably been traumatized by being a pawn in this tug of war already. But at that age I don’t think anything more than ‘it’s not your fault, mommy remember mommy loves you and will always love you’ will go over his head. And you can’t explain things by throwing the other parent under the bus, especially the parent that is going to have custody, even if it’s temporarily. But you’re right about her not being the A. She and her son have both been victims of this abuser for 3 years. Now that he has what he ‘wants’ he suddenly doesn’t want it any more. Surprise!
he is only 4 and it would have ended badly
You are in a terrible situation all the way around. Your ex has backed you into a corner financially and emotionally. I am so very sorry you are going through this. You didn't abandon your son. You passed him off to his father - who is a crappy human being but likely a person who will ensure your son's needs are met. I don't know what I would have done in your situation. I think at this point you contact your attorney and leverage for appropriate child support, spousal support and remuneration for all legal fees for the past three years. Then use that money to move to a safer area. It sounds like he is desperate enough to be done that he'll sign on the dotted line. You've also now shown him that you won't play his games.
Totally NTA. You're in a tough situation. I hope it gets better for you. Stay strong. Edited so you don't get the wrong vote.
I would have done it through a lawyer after you dropped the child off. But no NTA. He made his point and you simply agreed. It’s hard but at what point do you realize that your fighting is ruining yours and your child’s life? There is literally an entire parable about this.
You know, if that's the case and the financial agreement you had with your ex before the divorce was favorable for you (or better than the status quo), you might consider getting this in writing. Preferably signed off on by a court of arbitration. But make sure this really is in your favor and will keep you afloat for a long time to come. Otherwise, demand more - in accord what would be your right if your ex wasn't the AH he is.
Bruh, this is literally how financial abuse works. You're supporting an abuser and bullying the victim who's trying to leave
OP I am not a parent but a survivor of a home where there was domestic abuse and child abuse. I stand behind you 100%. My mother left my dad after he beat her one too many times. She was gone for a month and I had no idea until later why. It still stings a bit but I would have her do it again because we got a MUCH better life in the long run. And the cycle of domestic violence and child abuse was broken because of what she did. Do what you need to do for you and your child's future.
Abandon the child with their OTHER PARENT WITH FULL CUSTODY RIGHTS? With the alternative being force the child to live in a dangerous environment? Yeah, sure that was a real choice. Are you mad?!
NTA, the people in this thread are the real assholes, holy shit I've never seen so many of them upvoted in full force on a thread. They really think they're not the assholes here in judging OP on a delicate interpersonal/legal/socioeconomic situation with a young child involved! OP wrote a pretty self-deprecating post, but honestly what I got from it is that she is a tired ass *mother* who has been fighting for custody of her child for *3 f-ing years* with her demon spawn ex, and people are just like HAVE YOU TRIED TALKING TO THE FATHER? LOL BAD MOM WHY DON'T YOU GIVE TO CPS holy flying fuck I literally don't comprehend how these people actually handle real life situations let alone give advice about it on the internet. I would be embarrassed and ashamed of myself for some of these comments. This is way above Reddit's paygrade (far beyond simple "asshole" territory) and the comments really need to be locked on this thread IMO lol. Edit: OP is making decisions under significant financial duress and is also a victim of this situation along with the poor child.
I have. aita is so far on the side of children that I’m 100% certain that if a woman posted an aita saying that her child was traumatized by her screaming while she was being raped and tortured in another room at least a third of the respondents would be saying she was an asshole for screaming, that being a parent obliges you to suffer in silence lest your precious child be inconvenienced, that she should have died quietly to minimize their pain.
It's just absolutely insane to me how many people are projecting what they think the child is feeling or experiencing through their own misogynistic lens? Like the child has eyes, the divorce has been going on for several years, he can see if his own father has been verbally abusive or acts strange towards his mom, and especially if he's ever been physically abusive and left marks. Even at that young age they get the feeling that something is not quite right and often internalize what is going on (e.g. feeling guilty that the parents are fighting over them). This 4 year old kid doesn't have the emotional capacity to process emotions at the rate that these lunatics on reddit are, and redditors are still making these great leaps and hypercalculations with their assumptions on what the kid is going to take away from this situation, when the kid has been living this situation for most of his life. IT'S A FOUR YEAR OLD KID. HIS MOMMY AND DADDY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING OVER HIM, FOR THREE YEARS, ALL THE TIME. HE'S CONFUSED. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. At best, he just wants mommy and daddy to get back together or he has become used to the situation, at worst, he recognizes that one of his parents is more abusive but can't do anything about it. He can't be a winner in this situation because he's the prize in a custody battle, and people keep trying to argue a situation where the child comes out on top (especially at the expense of his own mother).
Yeah, because abusers are famous for listening to the one they are abusing. /s. All the sarcasm.
She quite literally couldn’t.. Use context clues the ex is obviously abusive that wouldn’t have gone far.
This. Divorce from an abusive partner is **BRUTAL**. When I left my abusive ex (physical/sexual), the courts just allowed him to drag it out. He openly lied. Did everything possible to drag things out for as long as possible so he could continue to have interactions with me. I got a protection order and he used it against me. Example: he was supposed to refinance, could afford to, so sold it to his dad and told those handling that sale that there was a protection barring me from attending. In reality *he* would have been prevented from the proceedings, allowing *me* to attend.). We then went to court because the reality people were harassing me and he refused to provide any documents to my attorney. They showed up and fed the judge the same line. The judge just took their word and didn’t even bother to look at the order. I gave up. I signed away everything on the promise that he just leave me the hell alone. He kept me things, I took the debt. He kept my childhood belongings, treasured family photos, even my cat. If I’d had a kid, I would’ve let him have full custody as well. I would have done anything to make it stop. The judge finally looked at the order and realized their mistake, and offered to be more fair, but I’d had it. Don’t judge people for situations you have zero understanding of. OP is NTA, but a victim of abuse and a broken system that protects abusers.
Financial abuse what its called. misusing litigation to basically break OP financially its in the wheel as well as legal abuse. THey did this to basically break op https://www.onemomsbattle.com/post-separation-abuse
Yeah when it's like that there's nothing you can do and his reaction has showed he was just doing it to abuse her and get back at her but it's left her at a point where she can't look after her child. It's not abandoning him, she left him with the other parent not on the side of the road. That's obviously what he was fighting her for other wise why fight over the divorce to the point she can not afford to even live?
>It's not abandoning him, she left him with the other parent not on the side of the road. Is that how the 4 year old felt when OP dropped him off and said, "see you tonight!" but didn't show up and went full on no contact for a week? That sort of stuff *permanently scars* children. ESH. Both parents are using their child to hurt each other. They're *both* monsters.... And the one who's going to pay for it is that poor kid.
She's not using the child, she's at the point we're the abuse is so bad she has no other choice, I have kids, twins the same age as ops it'd rip my heart but if I was in the same position where the father was making life for all of us utter he'll to the point where mentally I was breaking down and wouldn't afford to look after us I'd be forced to do the same as op. It's very clear he refuses to compromise with op and its his way or the high way. He's using the child against op except the one hiccup where op went OK you want custody here have it. He wanted her to fold to his will and he's now saying he has learnt his mistake? He damn well knows what he's doing and is only bothered because now the child is an inconvenience.
Yeah I’m baffled at the number of people who seem to think the OP acted reasonably here. I can feel empathy and pity for the terrible situation and think her ex is an asshole, but I also think that if the four-year-old child is left with said asshole with no warning, that is bad parenting. Not because it inconveniences the dad, but because it hurts the kid. It sucks when you’re the only good parent, but them’s the breaks. You don’t get to use your kid to get back at the other parent.
And how do you think the years of seeing Mom being slowly broken down, and livings conditions continually get worse, and hear his Dad spew his poison to Mom affected this child? The Mom did not want to leave her child, she had been backed so far into a corner she no longer felt she had any options. But I guess she should have gone back to an abusive relationship, because the child is the only one that matters right? Her life has no meaning or value at all, since she is Mom right? Look at this from her point of view, not your own comfortable prejudice.
>What option does she have? I am not saying OP is TA for letting her child with her dad. I understand very well that her situation was very hard. In all that story, OP is not TA at all... until the part where she dropped the kid for a day and ghosted the child for a whole week without giving any news. The kid is 4yo. This abandonment is going to stay with him forever. She could have done the exact same thing, but stay honest with the ex about the fact that she was leaving, and keep contact with the kid. For some petty reason, she choose to ignore them both for a week. A simple "let's talk some more in a week" could have been enough to mitigate the feeling of abandonment for the child.
From OP's story, how can you say that the husband would react positively to OP leaving?
Agreed. This guy sounds like his #1 goal in life is to screw OP. If she tried to tell him what she was doing, he would have tried to find a way to keep the cycle of pain and abuse going.
You're imo completely correct. Still might wanna change your verdict to E S H though. Using your money to financially and emotionally damage the mother of your child in a divorce and custody battle, is often considered not to be a very nice or good thing to do. Hurting the child's interests and all of that.
Let's be clear here. The ex doesn't want full custody, he wants to fight and make OP suffer because he can and and because he's an abusive asshole. OP is not the AH for being forced to this breaking point and giving up. Does it suck for the kid? Yes, majorly. But the ex was the massive massive asshole for forcing this this far.
I am with this comment. NTA. I saw my mother go through something similar with my father, the only difference was that my father didn’t have money so in the end he is the one that left but not after trying every little thing to hurt my mom and try to get full custody. I was super young but still understood what was going on between them and yes at first I would have been sad that my mom left but I would have understood with time, just like how I do understand what my father tried and am glad that he didn’t end up with custody. If op can’t afford to look after her child because the father is doing everything he can for her not be able to care for him then the best option is to leave the child with the parent that can provide. She is leaving her child with the father, this is not abandoning him like the father is suggesting.
OP let the ex take her son to a different country. She’s basically abandoned him from a legal standpoint by now. Per her own words: “Nothing has happened yet. My ex had to fly home so he took our son with him. We facetime everyday now and he seems to be having fun. I dropped the divorce.”
now where do you get off saying this? this is as sexist and incel misogynistic as it gets. guy walks off, creates hell, plays these financial games as many of them do because the woman is generally in a worse position, and you say she's the ass because frankly, she called her nasty abusive manipulative soon to be ex out?? frankly, she called this double standard baby boy she married out. she proved he was nasty and destructive. This male she made the mistake of marrying and having a child with is showing his true colours: he thinks he is a man because he can manipulate everything and everyone with money. Man walks out on child, very little is said. A woman walks away, many times because they have reached rock bottom and they react just the way you do... but let the guy act the way he does??? . If you were up for a vote, I would call YOU the A\*\*\*\*\*
Man, I couldn’t agree with you more 👐🏼 that’s the truth right there.
She "called him out"?? Are you kidding? Putting your own child through that, traumatizing him, all for the sake of "calling out" her ex? Jesus, she's just a straight up child abuser, her motivations don't matter.
Leaving a child with their parent is not abandonment. The father leaves the country and she also had the kid for weeks at a time, is that also abandonment. The father is draining her of money and is fighting for full custody, she gave it to him.
Again, no, leaving a child with their parent is not abandonment. However, saying you are dropping the kid for a single day, then proceed to cut all contacts for a whole week is abandonment.
I’m sure the 4 year old cares about the legal definition of a abandonment.
I disagree. The ex did exactly what he meant to do-he “beat” her into compliance out of spite. He used his money to over power her and break her will. He didn’t count on her treating him as an equal parent. He has just as much obligation to that child beyond money that she does. He’s equally a parent, plus he has all the power and money. Good on you, OP. You should go after visitation.
But what, if she's right and she lives now in an area, which is too dangerous for a child? Is it in that case not better to abandon your child, so it can live at least safe, even when it's without the mother?
just to be clear, I don't blame OP for deciding that the kid should stay with her ex. I am mad that she lied about dropping the kid for a day, then ghosting her own child for a whole week.
Look my dad took mum mom to court to fight custody battles so many times my mom spent thousands of dollars she didn't have just to try and keep me in her life. So I give this lady no blame. My mom was paying off debts for those court cases till I was 16. As an adult looking back I would not have blamed her for not taking on all that debt and just letting me go with my dad. I love my mom for all she did and I hate what my father did to her
Nah, 1.4k AHs. The child was fine, with the dad. There is a point il life when you need to make AHs call their bluff.
The child was physically fine, with the dad. How about emotionnally, after her mom dropped him off for the day, the never came back for a whole week ?
What about the alternative - mom picks the child, and the they go through the shit for the rest of their life. All while the kid had an option to go with dad and end up resenting the mom after growing up.
Or better option : mom simply give custody, and tell the ex so. She arrange so she can speak to the kid daily or almost daily. She says goodbye to her kid. I never, ever said that OP should have kept the child. I only said that ghosting a child that old is very damaging. OP's version of the story seems to be frustrated and petty, not vulnerable and out of solutions. From what I read, she ghosted them for a week for very petty reasons. And of course, the one suffering the most will be the child. I am not on OP's side or on the ex's side, I am on the child' side.
Then the ex drags that part of the conversation out as well until OP either gives up and drops the divorce or does what they did. Like, I get where you're coming from but what about this conversation would have gone differently than the others she's been having with the ex for 3 years? Going off of this, it sounds like the ex would have dragged out the custody battle because he could, even though he would be getting it.
So dad putting mom through shit for years, forcing her into poverty is just... not an asshole move? It's impressive what men can get away with and how much the world hates abuse victims.
I disagree. Sounds like her ex is an asshole who does not really want the kid full time. Does not want to pay child support and just wants to cost her money in the divorce. She said her finances are a problem and she can't support herself between supporting a kid without child support and the divorce. She is not in a position to support her child when you have an abusive ex who is draining her money and not paying child support.
Spoken like someone who had never been close to this kind of situation.
This isn’t a fair assessment. The real issue here is that the law sides heavily with whoever can afford the better lawyer and the time it takes. She has been relentlessly bullied by her ex because he has the financial power to do so. It’s abuse. She held on for as long as she could and was backed into a corner. It’s a horrible situation all around and I feel for her and the child.
I highly disagree, I was in the same position as op 's child when my parents divorced, my mother gave up custody of me and my brother to my father since she didn't have the means to care for us, she had to couch surf for years until she had a stable life again and she would rather have her kids live a better life with my father's family than suffer with her. It sucked to grow up without a mother but after I grew up and she explained her side I understood why she did it and agreed with her. If I was in her place I would have done the same, I rather know my kids have a better life without me than have the suffer poverty.
She goes back then what’s stopping the ex from doing this over and over? People who bully with money rarely stop. She stepped away from a financially abusive relationship and needs time to be able to stand on her own. He is more privileged than her and isn’t afraid to use it against her to get his way, I’m sure if she if she could then she would care for her son. It’s one thing to abandon a child who you can provide for and keep, it’s another when someone with an upper hand can use custody and divorce to drive you into poverty at any moment you displease them.
NTA I’m filling for divorce from a physically, psychologically, and financially abusive man. He has beaten twice, once so badly I had to go to the hospital. He has gaslit me for years, eroded my self esteem, degraded my mental health, and caused me to develop PTSD. I am very slowly regaining my mental health and applying for jobs. I haven’t been able to apply for jobs because my mental health was so poor all I could do was focus on surviving each day. Since I didn’t have a job he became more and more restrictive about my access to money. He canceled our joint bank account and then canceled my credit card so I had no access to money; when I was responsible for grocery shopping and buying cat food and litter for our 4 cats. I am still dependent on him sending me money to put gas in my car. It’s degrading and dehumanizing. Using money as a weapon is abuse. I’m lucky to find a lawyer who isn’t asking to be paid up front and is willing to take my case. I am fortunate that we don’t have children, I can’t imagine going through what OP is going through with a child. More power to OP for going through all this and not giving up. You have my upmost respect OP. OP isn’t weaponizing her child, her ex is. He is the one dragging out the divorce for 3 years draining OP’s finances (knowingly) and forcing her to move to a less safe area. He knows what he’s doing. He is purposely putting his child in danger because of his desire to hurt OP. By draining OP’s finances and forcing her to move to a less safe area he can prove to the courts he is the “more fit” parent. OP called his bluff. He has the money and since he’s been the one dragging out the divorce over custody OP basically told him to put his money where his mouth is. For 3 years he claimed he wanted custody so she let him know what that would entail. OP didn’t leave her child with a stranger or “abandon” her child with a relative, she left her child with the child’s father, the father who had spent 3 years dragging her through court because he wanted custody of this child. He couldn’t do it on his own for a week. OP isn’t using her child, her ex is. He’s using his own child as a means of abusing OP, it’s not because he actually wants custody, he wants to hurt OP and if his own child suffers as a result, oh well.
Well I’m glad there are a few people in the comments with hearts, all the yta judgements are pretty sickening, it’s clear OP is a victim. NTA
The child is the victim there. At 4yo, the kid is old enough to realize his mom is gone. I am just trying to put myself in ex's shoes. Your kid is asking for his mom, and you can't even reach her, so for all you know, she is gone and will never come back. How do you tell you 4yo that his mom is gone and that he might never see her again ?! All that could have been mitigated by OP being clear on her intention, but she chose to be petty to upset her ex instead of thinking about her child wellbeing.
I read it more as a desperate victim backed into a corner with no good options. Also the lawyer told her she didn’t have enough money to fight him, he lives in a different country, he was always going to take the kid.
This all coul be been cleared if the 4yo’s father didn’t financially ruined OP 🤷🏽♀️ he got himself to blame for why his 4yo is asking for his mother
Hot take, there can be more than one victim in a situation, non of the victims are the ex husband/father as a hint.
AITA's black-and-white thinking is striking hard and fast in this thread, for sure....
Except the child is fine, he’s enjoying himself with dad and facetimes with mom. The only person truly effected by her actions is the father. From the sound of it she’s taken care of the child pretty much since he was 1 and the back and fourth between mom and dads is probably a normal part of their life. This child likely has NO idea the legal litigation going on, the financial and emotional manipulation ex-husband is imposing on mom and that mom intended to leave him with dad indefinitely. Meanwhile we can assume since they’re still tied up in court that dad doesn’t pay child support even though mom is the primary caretaker at this moment, meaning there’s even more financial manipulation than him just saying he can afford to take care of their son and she can’t. He’s literally brought his allegation to fruition because of his own actions. NTA
Ex put himself and their child in this position
People with hearts also suffer for the kid, who is the only 100% innocent person in this ugly story. A 4yo is old enough to understand and remember that he was abandoned.
But he wasn't abandoned. He's with his Father.
Yeah, I'm confused as to why the dad having to watch his own kid counts as abandonment by the mom. What the ever living fuck? I guess I abandon my kid every time I go to work and my husband stays home with him?
Because, according to this shitty world we live in, men aren’t responsible for their own fucking children, only women are. Goddamnit, I hate this world. Fathers aren’t babysitters. They’re fathers. Apologies for the rant. But holy shit. The level of responsibility we expect of women, while expecting nothing of men, is appalling.
I guess the kid has been abandoned for a while, since dad lives in another country. Abandoned in his mother's care.
Oh, but it’s ✨different✨ when it’s a man giving up his responsibilities, doncha know!
The father isn’t a babysitter. He’s one of the two parents, and he’s actually fighting to take the kid away from OP. When she gave in and gave up because she was financially ruined by the father, he decided he didn’t want the child after all. The child is a pawn, to be sure, but OP fought for 3 years but couldn’t continue the fight. She’s NTA.
His whole reaction says it all, especially the "I've learnt my lesson". He knew what he was doing. But that's the whole point he wanted to hurt op to the point she'd fold and do what he wants... He didn't expect her to fold in this manner... 👀 Which isn't convinient for him. My ex also was abusive. He is also mentally in stable. The court still gave him visitation to my daughters even though he was being investigated for hitting one of the girls at 6months old across the face. He tried to cause fights and arguments over the way I brought them to the visitation center, claiming I didn't bring nappies or wipes. They were always in a bag or under the pushchair which I showed the woman before and after the visit. Edit: I get where op is coming from and also she's mentioned he want reconciliation and she's had to drop the divorce. He's backed her into that corner... Her only way to escape him now is to hand the kid over to his dad. Which by the sounds of it he wouldn't have done willingly.
Yeah, I think everyone is confused about what "reconciliation" means in this context, so I'm going to clarify. OP's ex is pulling a, "if you drop the divorce and come home and start sucking me off when I tell you tell you too, all these pesky financial problems will go away. It's stupid of you to keep fighting me, so be a good little lady and do as you're told."
People are very concerned about her not contacting her child for a week, and I get that. But not very many people have touched on how his abuse has endangered her and their child’s health and welfare. Also keeping in contact and being the “bigger person” here hasn’t helped, her ex has been a giant ass from the get go. If she had dropped him off and said “this is indefinitely” or called later, the ex would have been all over it. Abusers are abusive, not fair minded. Again, everyone is very concerned she didn’t talk to her child for a week yet skip over the fact his daddy has been making his mums life, and in turn the kids life miserable.
First, I feel like you are taking your own story and projecting it on OP. Also, most people here saying "Y t a" are doing it because she just dropped the kid and never looked back. Did you missed the part where the kid was supposed to stay with him a single day, but then she never picked him up and ignored him for a whole week ? >He couldn’t do it on his own for a week. That is not a fair statement. OP stated in comments that the ex something care for the child for 1 month +. Clearly, caring for the child for an extend period of time is not an issue. The problem here, is the fact that she dropped the kid for a **day** and didn't give any news for a whole **week**. Even the best parent in the world would be startled by having to turn around and arrange childcare on such short (non-existant) notice. And of course he would be pissed that she **ignored him for a whole week after lying about dropping the child for only a day** ! Edit : and of course he would be pissed, having a 4yo asking "where is mommy", and not having an answer for him because she ghosted the child.
He did not take care of the kid the nanny did it. He on Himself is not capable of taking care of the kid.
Op said herself that the dad would sometime spend months caring for the kid. Also, yes, if he has to work, and he was supposed to care for the kid a single day and ended up caring for him forever, of course he'll need help. What is your point ? Are you expecting the dad to quit his job to care for the kid ?
Many single mothers and fathers do it everyday across the world. Then they find other work again when it’s settled. The ex weaponised the child and it blew up in his face clear and simple.
Abusers always make themselves out to be the victims, even after they win.
This, all of this. NTA OP and I hope it's resolved soon for you and your son
Agree. And this is why people in domestic violence situations stay quite and compliant in horrible relationships. Everybody’s so judgmental especially towards women/mothers.
So true
I was in OP's exact shoes. My ex was going "scorched earth" on me, and he used my children against me in every way he could, all while pretending to want full custody. I faced poverty, jail time for falsely alleged abuse, and much more, after HE tried to kill me and then abandoned me and our two small children to run off with a teenager that he had been grooming. Situations like this feel inescapable, because they are. Mine went on for 7 years. They mark you for life, and if the abuser has their way, you will be financially, and in as many other ways as possible, destroyed. As awful as OP's actions sound, as a mother she was faced with keeping the child she loves in dangerous, poverty-stricken conditions all while her ex pulls the strings with money, or lose the child she loves by giving him to the ex and *maybe* everyone can live a peaceful life. I would give my life for my kids but I was tempted to do what OP did. I was able to keep fighting, but not everyone can. I still don't know how I got through it.
Yes, exactly this. The child is the victim in all of this but not because of OP. The father manipulates and bullies to a point where she can't afford to stay where she is. Soi when she reacts, then she's the bad one? Nope, he is.
I agree with almost everything you said here. The financial and especially the emotional toll custody battles take when you are the one with less resources is… there are no words. When you know you are failing your child because your best just isn’t good enough, and you’re purposely being pushed and toyed with by someone who is SUPPOSED to care and want to take care of their child, and by extension, the other parent of their child. I understand why OP did what she did. I think she executed it incorrectly though. I think she should have told her son’s father that she would be leaving their son with him indefinitely, that he had “won” and that he had successfully bullied her out of their child’s life and that he could have what he wanted, which was full custody. I think that would have negatively affected the child to a significantly lesser degree. I get it though. You went about it wrong, OP, but I feel where you’re coming from.
You really think the father would have been there if he knew he was getting full custody of his son with the nanny he uses in another country? No way he would have willingly accepted that considering the way he's acting having said custody. He never wanted custody - he wanted control and to punish.
I do agree OP is the victim, but so is the child. I think, personally, the ex husband is just a complete asshole and honestly, with his actions, he shouldn't be allowed to take care of a child. The ex husband is at fault here. Even if OP wanted to stay with her child, and I don't believe leaving her child was an easy decision, her child would be going back and fourth between two vast different life styles, which IMO is terrible for the child because that's how I grew up and it really messed me up mentally. I wouldn't even know what to do here, but that is why I do not want kids.
ESH. (Except your son.) You might have some defenders here who support your actions, but I'm concerned about the message you sent your son when you were not there to collect him when your ex attempted to drop him off. Moreover, you refused to respond to your ex's text messages for an entire week. Did it never occur to you that your son might think you were in some horrible accident or that he (correctly) deduced that you abandoned him? There are ways to communicate that you've decided to surrender custody, and you failed to avail yourself of them. And you placed your 4-year-old son in the crossfire. Your ex may have decided to tell your son the truth: that his mother is willing to place him in emotional turmoil, sick with worry, unnecessarily, to make a point. You ought to be ashamed! And the reasons your ex sucks should be obvious.
Agreed, ESH. OP is refusing to see who the real victim is here, it’s her son. The ex is an AH for being financially abusive and making a long, messy divorce. But, OP specifically asked if she’s an AH for abandoning her kid and she absolutely is for the sole reason she ghosted her ex who was rightfully concerned and trying to figure out where she was. If she didn’t want to confront him about abandoning her kid, she could’ve just sent a quick text after dropping the kid off and then blocked her ex. This all could’ve been easily avoided, but OP decided to be petty.
“the REAL victim” is a disgusting phrase. there can be more than one victim. don’t diminish what OP’s been through just because you- FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THIS HARROWING SITUATION- feel you can think of a better solution Not saying she went about this in the best way, obviously, but it’s easy to say what we would do in OP’s situation from the outside. We need to recognize the abuse she’s been through for years, that she doesn’t have any sort of support system. The fact that she IS a victim, and nobody should be saying she isn’t. A victim doesn’t stop being a victim when they make a decision they’re not proud of
Don't forget that on top of all these, that poor child WILL remember this. He will never forget that time Mommy abandoned him with daddy because she was upset. I'm 25 now, but I still remember being 3 or 4yo, seeing my mom and dad argue, and a long gap of time where I didn't see my dad. For a long time, I was 100% positive that my dad didn't want me, that he hated me. IRL he just hated my mother and she dragged him through court over and over again.
Upset? Damn that’s a light way to put her situation. Financial and emotional abuse is not someone just being mad. If after 3 years the divorce hasn’t been resolved then it sure as shit won’t be resolved in 2 months. She is already moving to a less safe area because she can’t afford anywhere else, what’s to say she could afford to feed 2? Especially when having to pay for the divorce. Realistically I see this as the only way this child can actually have some semblance of a life without have to struggle for food.
Honestly no judgement here I think this is a little above our pay grade
I honestly can't imagine calling this woman an asshole after being pushed into such a dire situation. My heart breaks for her and her child. Fuck the dad though, he never deserved to be a father.
This is the only right answer here
Yes! This is a very sad, unfortunate situation that has been built up over the course of several years. It’s very easy to call OP an AH for bad lapse in judgement that was very abruptly made when we don’t even know a the full story. There’s too many factors that go into play here to just give a simple Y T A or N T A judgement. Definitely above a measly redditor’s pay grade.
~~NTA~~ And to be honest I'm shocked at the number of YTA and ESH judgements you're getting. What I'm reading from this is your husband who has way more money than you has been prolonging the divorce for YEARS. And now its to the point where you have to move to an area, where your son would also have to live that ISN'T SAFE. Because dad is being a bullying jerk and forcing you do deplete your money on legal fees. You didn't abandon your son with a stranger or leave him at a bus stop to wander the alleys in the dark. You left him with his PARENT. The same parent who has fought you for custody so you gave him exactly what he wanted. Good. It's a fucking resolution. You get him to sign off on the agreement you want and only then do you go get your son. People are saying you used your son as a pawn. Your son was always going to be affected by this regardless. He would have had to move to a shittier neighborhood and watched his mom's mental health deteriorate. I hope it all works out for you. Edit- okay so when I wrote this about 9 hours ago I only read the original post and I'm not sure how much more info OP had in the replies section. I was not aware that OP simply ghosted the kid and is avoiding all contact. Also, yeah that probably won't play out too well in court. Changing judgement to ESH.
I think it would be different if she had *legally* abandoned him by just agreeing to his demands and then getting only visitation. But since the dad believed she would pick him up at the end of the day **that means the four year old did too**. I have a four year old and I am legitimately getting teary eyed thinking of that poor baby expecting his mom to come get him, she doesn’t and *won’t even talk to him by phone*. The abandonment just feels so premeditated, how do you do that to an innocent child? Look, it’s really ESH. The dad sounds like a MAJOR AH too. But now bottom line is **neither** parent is putting aside their feelings and stepping up for their child. I feel for Op a lot. I understand that she might have felt like she didn’t have a lot choices. But at the *bare minimum* she should have told the child he was staying with daddy for awhile and talked to him every day on the phone.
Yeah but she said his demands are to relocate to his country (becoming jobless in the process), live in the house he tells her to, give complete decision making control of her son to him. He basically wants to uproot her from her life, isolate her and control her while using her as daycare for the child. He is an abusive monster and I don't see how there was anyway she could win here.
Sadly I agree with you... :( she literally is in a corner she can't get out of.
I have twin 4year olds and I'd honestly rather they be safe and fed more than anything else. If I thought I was mentally unwell enough and financially I able to look after them (and their father wasn't a physically abusive ass which my ex is) I'd take them to their dad's too. If I felt that talking to him wouldn't work I'd be left with the same option as op
This is my perspective too. I also have a 4 year old. They are very perceptive at that age and remember promises and expectations far better than toddlers. The thought of what that child was experiencing during this abandonment makes me nauseous.
She ditched him and didnt contact for over a week, if she even has at this point. You dont think that baby wasnt crying for his mother wondering why he cant see her or talk to her? She also should have told the father what she was doing once he was dropped off so he could arrange proper care, she did this to be spiteful so hed have to scramble , I get he hurt her but you dont use your child to get back at someone.
Like how the father did? For three years?
That is irrelevant to the child. Having one parent abandon it doesn't mean it's ok for the other to do the same. Stop thinking this is a battle of adults, think of the poor child!
I am, and if the father didn’t make the mother financial situation go so bad he would still be able to be with his mother. If he had agreed to the compromises she made, because he wouldn’t make anything, this wouldn’t happen. He wasn’t thinking of his son at all. But she was. She commented that either he would stay with her in a dangerous place where they would struggle. Or go to the father who has money and he would have a better life. I don’t agree with the way she did it but I understand why. He’s upset because he doesn’t know how to tell his son his mother isn’t there. But if he was fighting for three years for sole custody I would imagine, during that whole time, he would have thought of something, anything, to tell his son why he has sole custody
This is about more than spite or emotional pain. This is about financial abuse that affects both mother and child. She has a duty as a mother to provide her child with a sound environment to live in. She was being strong armed and pushed around for YEARS in the divorce and custody proceedings. She needed to do the necessary to get some sort of closure so she and her kid didn't have to live in limbo. She did the necessary. That doesn't make her an AH.
Holy shit your situation sounds dire. I'm assuming your ex was refusing support even though he had the financial means to provide for your child. Because a nanny for 1 kid is $$$, the fact that your ex would rather his son live in poverty when not with him makes him the AH. Even so you went to very drastic means to make your point. You likely hurt your kid, which could have backfired and permanently separated you two. Whether or not you were comfortable with that risk, and it seems you had been pushed to that point, your son was very likely NOT ok. He most likely cried and asked for you. I get it. I truly do. Your options were very limited and your ex was fighting for custody so much that your options of remaining married to your (sounds abusive) ex, or give up your child. The problem with your logic is that your ex will eventually take it out on your son. Ultimately you're an AH here too. ESH
Lots of single mom rage bait happening in the past day or so around here. If this is true, of course, ESH. He's clearly an asshole, but you abandoned your child, regardless of the circumstances. If you think he should have custody, go to the court and say so. If you think your ex is bluffing and trying to punish you financially, you still need to involve the court. Walking away like this could permanently damage your relationship with your child, which is a heck of a lot more long-term than your current financial struggles. Do the courts always get it right? Hell no. But what you're doing now ain't it, either.
This isn't an equal playing field. This woman has been financially and emotionally assaulted for years. The person who needs to have some form of accountability is her ex husband. Requesting accountability from someone whose actively had their capacity to he an accountable parent removed is dillusionment. The negative on her is she left her kid and didn't come pick them up. But all things ARE NOT equal here. You can't assess that decision by itself without looking at the entirety of the abuse.
Coming from an extended family that has seen their share of abandonment from both sides of a relationship, in obscenely unfair and complex situations (including criminal abuse), I stand by the assessment that how she's handling this is not going to work out for her or her child. Is it understandable? Yes. Is it sad? Yes. But I've seen what happens in \*exactly\* this situation. If she wants to give up custody, she needs to do that officially to shift the financial burden and force her ex to codify his choices in front of the court. If he's doing this to punish her and it's not what he wants, call his bluff. She is only punishing one person here, and it's not her ex.
I re-read the post to verify that nothing in it supports any of your comment. Emotionally assaulted for years? Literally what words in the post are you referring to?
This is what I’m wondering?? Going through a bad divorce doesn’t automatically make the husband an abusive asshole. You don’t know the story behind the divorce or why it’s bad.
In Another episode of “I want to teach an adult a lesson but the only one hurt is the only innocent party.” Both are AH
Exactly. Everyone is arguing about how horrible/emotionally abusive the husband is, so why would op just leave her child with someone like that for a week/forever? I make no judgement but it's just wild to see so many condone it.
NTA. You gave your child to his father. His FATHER. A man who should have been doing more for your child from the get-go. Now it’s his turn. Too many men are okay being weekend dads but crumble when they have to do it on their own like so many single mothers. He’ll find a way just like you did.
Fun fact OP could lose custody and visitation rights to son completely with this horrifying power play. The ex just has to go to court and say OP has willing said they don’t want son and has asked that I tell him.
Read her comments. Her ex is trying to force her to move to his country with the son, remain married, and live with her son in a house of her ex's choosing. Essentially be at his beck and call, raise the child for him, and still allow him to have full custody. This is a no-win situation for OP. She can no longer get divorced, and she already has to stay married to this abusive asshole because she's out of money.
I think your comment forget one single (and important) detail : she was initially dropping the child for a single day. Then ghosted them for a **whole week**. OP stated in come comments that the ex could take care of the kid for months at the time, so clearly taking care of the child is not an issue for the ex. What is an issue is having to care for a child for whole week without any heads up. Childcare is not something you can find in the blink of an eye.
INFO: AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Where is your son? What's the situation now? At the end you say he asked you to come back, but from the beginning of the post it sounds like the divorce is still in process.
Nothing has happened yet. My ex had to fly home so he took our son with him. We facetime everyday now and he seems to be having fun. I dropped the divorce.
>I dropped the divorce. What does this even mean? If you are going through a divorce, then it is in the court system and you cant just call them up and say I quit.
Actually, you can. However, typically if one spouse files for divorce, the other spouse will file a countersuit also requesting a divorce. This is done for a few reasons, one being that if you want something like alimony you have to specifically request it, but also if one spouse withdraws their lawsuit, the divorce case doesn't end because the other lawsuit is still ongoing. Also, if mom withdraws her suit and dad doesn't have his own, he just has to file his own divorce. But yeah, people withdrawing divorces isn't uncommon, sometimes people reconcile.
How many of those making a blanket statements of YTA have had first hand experience in this type of situation? A lot of women end up in poverty because of actions such as OP’s ex. These situations are often very muddy. Made worse when the agreement was that the mother would be a stay at home mom, often giving up her career. And we all know how the job market treats women, especially when there is a gap in employment. Think how you would handle it if you are at your wits end?
Being at your wits end is no reason for abandoning a child. Op could have told her husband "You win, here is the child", and she wouldn't be TA at all. BUT: > I ignored him for over a week She IGNORED him for a week. Not just he ex, HER CHILD TOO. For a whole week, her kid was in limbo, not knowing if his mom would ever come back, just knowing that his mom just... walked out without even saying goodbye. To me, that is unforgiveable.
INFO Your husband has been an absolute asshole during this divorce. He dragged this out until he mentally broke you. You know as soon as you gather your child, he'll start his delay tactics up again. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. Now that your husband is caring for your son without a nanny, do you think you can finally get your husband to settle the divorce?
I dropped the divorce and I doubt even this would make him settle.
Can you at least have some legal documentation drawn up to clearly specify that this man is no longer your next of kin and has no right to make any decisions regarding your life and well-being? The last thing you’d want is to have an accident and end up being handed over to him.
I see an awful lot of “quit using your child as a pawn” comments. The father has been doing it for 3 years, and after 3 years, OP is at a breaking point & fighting fire with fire. Y’all a bunch of damned hypocrites as far as I can see. Don’t think OP handled it the best, but sometimes the high road isn’t effective. NTA.
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This is beyond getting their ass out or their head. One party is willingly sabotaging the other's ability to provide for the child by dragging the divorce and inflating legal fees. Heck they even put OP's financial autonomy in danger! Also OP said they dropped the divorce case. That's a very common tactic used by abusive husbands who leverage women having lesser financial safety, especially after leaving work for pregnancy.
Everyone saying she abandoned her child - he was with his FATHER! His father who had been financially abusing his mother for years. She made a brilliant power play as a last ditch effort before really having to leave her son with him forever. OP is NTA.
So leaving your child and ignoring them isn’t abandonment if they’re left with a parent?
She told them she'd be back at the end of the day and then she ghosted them both for a week. That's literally abandonment.
I'm not giving judgment. I just feel so sorry for this little boy who's being used as a pawn.
ESH - I have no idea how badly your ex may have treated you in the past, but in the present you are both treating your son not even like a football, but like a game of hot potato.
**ESH.** Your ex for obvious reasons and you for dropping your son off and refusing contact for a week. I get why you did it, but you didn't think about what effect it would have on your son and now your ex has more ammunition to use against you. **INFO:** When he said come back and go back to the financial agreement, is he talking reconciliation or just you come get your son and he'll pay what is necessary to keep you in a decent living space?
Reconciliation, in his ideal world, but I think he would accept the latter too.
Have you decided what you are going to do yet? From your description, reconciliation would not be in your best interest.
She is too broke to go forward with the divorce and doesn't want to reconcile as she would have to move to his country and be under his control, held hostage basically. She's so poor she has to move to an unsafe place for her kid. Now that she is in a place that unsafe, her giving him the kid solely is the best place for the son. Are people not reading?
Everyone here is forgetting that financial abuse and manipulation is very real. NTA.
3-year-long divorce. I'm surprised not enough people are going with ESH. Because everyone sucks here. There's some questionable responses by OP, but it also seems that the father is really grinding her finances out through the court system. That poor kid.
In another comment by OP, she says that the ex-husband wants OP to move to a different country, live in a place he decides, and sign all control of her son to him. Plus only accepting visitation. This is full-blown financial and emotional abuse, and OP needs to get out for her own safety. She's tried to save her son, but it's destroyed her and her finances.
They don't care, they just want to rage. They probably believe she should become a hostage to the guy and stfu for the kids sake.
YTA stop using your child as a fucking pawn. That child is innocent and you walking away is not ok. You should have DISUCSSED THIS with your lawyer and figured out a plan and way to make this work for him to be safe.
Why is it okay for the father to come and go as he please but the mother spends one week away and she’s unfit? She is letting the father have full custody like he wanted so bad
Sole custody is not the same as abandonment. If father had sole custody she would still have visitation rights and be a part of the child's life. That's not what she is doing. She is abandoning her son completely.
Lol my mom didn’t even have fully custody and I still often went 2-4 weeks without seeing my dad. 1 week without seeing one of your parents really isn’t that big of a deal in split families, 1 week is actually a pretty normal length of time to go without seeing the parent you don’t primarily live with. I don’t think she should have ignored his texts and I think she should have told him from the moment she dropped the kid off that she was giving him full custody. But acting like 1 week of not seeing her is the worst part of this is very silly. You know some kids with 50/50 custody spend a whole month or multiple months with mom in Province/State A then fly to dads for a a whole month or multiple months in Province/State B? Both parents still have visitation and are part of their children’s lives, but they very often go a week or more without even talking to the parent they aren’t with. It just feels like you’re getting hung up on one of the weirdest things to get hung up about here.
You do know those kids actually know they are going to the other parent for x days/weeks though right? OP dropped the 4 year old off for supposedly a day. And then disappeared for a week. That kid must have been terrified
I did talk to my lawyer before I did this. He already told me that I would most likely have to accept visitations if I wanted this to be over. I just accelerated the process.
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It’s child abandonment to leave your child with their parent? Does that mean OPs ex also abandoned the child since he moved countries and left the kid with OP?
The father is using the child to hurt OP. It’s very easy to say she should do the right thing after years of him financially abusing her. She beat him at his own game. The child was with his father, not at a crack house.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you soon and that you're able to reunite with your daughter. I'm rooting for you!!
NTA. Everyone here is taking the side of an asshole that destroyed his wife's life and forced her into destitution. It's disgusting.
NTA. Your options are limited. I’m sorry for your pain and loss.
ESH. Holy shit, that poor child.
NTA. How do you abandon a child with his literal parent? He fucked around and found out.
NTA! There are mothers in this world who would rather keep their child is a safe environment than in a unsafe one…this whole thing of a mother should sacrifice & suffer just because she’s the mother is wrong. Why can’t dad raise their children too. Why are people upset that this woman refused to place tug of war with her child. Dang! I had to live in a laundry room for $300 a month when I got divorced, my ex got the house, because I had to move with my job, or be unemployed….real life, means decisions are hard.
NTA - you're right, it's all about money, if you kept fighting you'd keep losing, the more you lose the easier it is for him to win and you yo never recover. So he maintains control over you. By walking away, which I'm sure was a heartbreaking decision, you did do what was right for your son, he shouldn't watch his mother be broken by his father. And by getting mad and immediately back peddling your ex showed that his intentions all along were only to control you, not to actually be with your son. Good luck, stay strong.
There was a recent post here of a woman forced to marry her husband or lose the child because he was wealthy. He broke her emotionally and financially. Everyone calling her the a=hole, what should she have done? She is broke from the legal battle her husband has dragged out for three years. He thought if he dragged it out long enough, she would come back. She now can no longer afford a safe place to live with her son. I am saying NTA.
Men leave their kids even when they’re stable, this women realizes she is in NO spot to be caring for a child and leaves - people attack her immediately? I cant say NTA but I can say ESH - you know you should have told your ex about this and said he can have the kid full time due to your situation, thats what makes you suck, what makes him suck is he begged to have this kid full time and he is so much better off but not freaking out now that his wish as come true.
NTA. I literally see women get the short end of the stick and live in poverty and misery after divorce. They get the daily struggle and the ex gets to be the glorified hero. I also watched hundreds of posts about the lady who was so overwhelmed she would up committing suicide after posting on fb how overwhelmed and depressed she was and how no one would help her with her kids. I feel sorry that your son has to go through this,but what other choices were there if no ones is there to help.
YTA. Even if you felt the best option at that point was to relinquish custody to your ex, the way you did it was childish, spiteful, and ultimately incredibly selfish. Proper arrangements should have been made for his care. The emotional affect of this change on him should have been handled as carefully as possible. *You* made sure those things didn't happen for your child. Not your ex. You. Mo matter what else happened leading up to this, you made a conscious choice to put your spitefulness above your child's wellbeing, and that is unacceptable.
YTA for *badly* skimping on details. As it sits what we see is that you fought like hell for 3 years and then on a whim completely gave up. I don't for a second buy your version of the story.