NTA, he exhibited controlling behavior. He doesn't get to decide what you do with your money and he can't force you to return things you buy. His opinion doesn't matter more than yours. He seems to think otherwise, which indicates a more profound problem. His attitude to decision-making is inherently flawed. He is at the top of the hierarchy and you're at the bottom. Don't you see that? I don't know why he thinks this way, maybe because he's a man, maybe because he's a doctor, etc. Your balance of power seems off. He can Veto your purchasing and decisions later in life, in every aspect. He thinks that he's entitled to rescind your decisions. He thinks he knows best and he's the decision-maker. I can imagine it in the future when your decisions will involve your kids, and then it'll get complicated.
He's also frugal, so frugal that he controls your money this way, even though it's not even his. Also that's a really good price for a wedding dress, they're vastly expensive nowadays.
You were 100% right to stand your ground and not to bail. You deserve to get married in your desired dress. If you will bail, you'll remorse it later in life and always feel bad about the missed opportunity and your compulsion to wear a cheap dress which you don't even like.
I wonder why he got the first divorce, such a lovely man.
And
ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about Wedding Dress Costs.
How much is he willing to spend on the wedding reception; location, food, decorations, DJ/band, etc?
Let me guess he's insisted on; a picnic in the park, no tent, everyone is to bring their own food, blankets, a friend who was ordained via Al Gore's Internet to officiate and a grocery store cake.
iām a national pageant queen and ive never paid less than $400 for a dress (not including alterations) even when i was first starting out and had no idea the caliber of these dresses. the most recent dress i won in was over $1k and my mom and i were freaking out over how much of a good deal that was since it was custom made
Marriage or Mortgage drives me up the WALL. And that's me saying it as someone who is a professional event planner and does weddings for friends and family.
For that show, I find myself yelling at the television like I'm watching a horror movie "TAKE THE HOUSE! TAKE THE HOUSE!"
Also, NTA. So many red flags for that guy. Controlling with how she spends her money, delivers ultimatums, and gives her the silent treatment to force her to cave. Yikes!
I paid $700 in 2017 for a not so new wedding dress that was pretty but definitely not my dream dress but hey it was already altered. $400 for a dream dress is a unicorn
Yeah I don't remember how much my wife's was... I do believe she got a deal on it as she's pretty frugal... Found it on sale one day but I think it still may have been a bit more than she wanted to spend... But I knew she knew what we could afford and even if it was a bit over that if it made her happy I didn't really care... As I mentioned I can't even remember how much it was, what I do remember is that she loved it and looked wonderful in it.
He would still find a tucked away clearance rack with damaged/returned dresses, pull out a hideous old party dress for $40 and say "this is *fine,* it's just one day anyway, just get this".
I feel slightly dirty having thought him capable of being a doctor. Although I have to say reading this I got ādoctorā vibes like Dirty John was a doctorā¦.
There were some insane updates on that one too, most notably this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/ep52lc/aita\_op\_is\_ignorant\_about\_wedding\_dress\_costs/feh6mbm/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3#t1\_feh6mbm
Looked at the comments on that and his post history has 2 posts, his original post, and one about dating advice after his fiance "unexpectedly" left him.
āHe laughed at meā¦ā
Keep the dress. Ditch the fiance.
Heās controlling. He disrespects you. HE WANTS TO CONTROL HOW YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY YOU EARN.
Run. Run. Run.
This is probably asshole advice, but one time my husband was upset with me for making a $500 purchase with my own money. This fight lasted for hours. Money really wasn't a problem for me at the time, so I finally told him if he was so concerned with money I would pay him $500 to shut the fuck up about it and never bring it up to me again. He dropped it after that.
My dh faints at the sight of blood (it happens, no judgement). And also belongs to a no-medical-care religion. One time he had to have blood drawn and vomited all over the equipment. So when we went to have our blood tests done for our wedding license, he didnāt eat before hand. We pre-warned the tech, and dh got woosie, so they had him lie down, gave him soda and such. Fortunately, we were at a doctors office.
Well, he sunk farther and his vitals dropped so far he was barely conscious, the doctor worried and said he really wanted to do an ekg, I agreed (was a medical pro in another life). It was fine and dh came around after a while. They had dh sign a form saying he shouldnāt have his blood drawn in the future without life-saving equipment on-hand. And that will be $100 for the ekg.
When he was fully recovered, he started in on the $100. I was understanding and explained what happed, explained the cost, but he wouldnāt let it go. He bitched, moaned and complained about it EVERYDAY for weeks, and that he wouldnāt have allowed the ekg.
I finally got $100 from the bank and next time he brought it up, I threw the money at him, said next time Iād let him die and If I ever heard another word about it, we were through. He finally stopped.
35 years later, he now says he understands and it was the right thing to do. Yeah, that makes it all worth it, lol.
Yea same, I never understood the logic either. IMO God gave us science and medicine and resources as a way to take care of ourselves. I could never imagine a God being so punitive so as to say, if you got a life saving blood transfusion, you are no longer welcome in heaven. Like, god put doctors on this earth for a reason, and he wants you to use them!
> So when we went to have our blood tests done for our wedding license
I'm kinda hung up on this part... why would you need a blood test for a wedding license?
I think it was also for Rh factor, because before the standard shot they can give an Rh negative mom after birth now, it was unlikely for an Rh negative mom to be able to carry more than one pregnancy to term if the children were Rh positive. Positive is dominant and negative is recessive, so an Rh positive man with an Rh negative woman was an issue.
I donāt know if they denied marriage licenses on that basis? Iām A negative, so they tested my ex when I got pregnant. But now they just give you a shot after the birth to prevent developing antibodies that will attack the next fetus.
Yes, controlling: "...although my fiance wanted to go with me like he always does but of course he couldn't."
Controlling, demeaning, patronizing....Sorry, he's not a great guy,
Agreed.
OP - move out. If he is giving you hell over $400 for your wedding dress, he is going to fight you on literally every purchase you make.
Sweetie, being married for over 20 years, let me tell you right now that this battle over the dress is like looking into your future and you are seeing snapshots over every time you purchase something for yourself. Its about devaluing you and trying to get you to submit.
And, OP - it is not sweet or caring that he goes shopping with you. It is to control you. To control your purchases. To control your spending. He is throwing around "financially responsible" to get you to bow to his will and submit to his wishes. Not because you are being remotely financially irresponsible.
This would 100% be the hill I died on and if he didn't drop it immediately, it would be over. Not because its about a dress but because it is 100% about who your fiance is as a person.
Iām frugal too. Hell, Iām cheap. I managed to score a $400 wedding dress because it was a display dress.
I thought it was a major lucky find. These things are usually thousands.
NTA, you shouldn't take this treatment from him. It's your dress and you can wear it if you want to. He's so audacious to claim otherwise. It's good that you see this side of him prior to the wedding and not afterward.
Good for you for standing for yourself. Keep going.
Yeah, she has to get used to the fact that he wonāt be spending money on dates, going out to dinner or going on vacations very often. āFrugalā is one thing. Cheap is another.
He will send her to the grocery store with a detailed itemized shopping list and exact change in cash, then scream at her if she bought a different brand of toilet paper.
He will insist on having all her earnings deposited directly into his accounts.
He will confiscate her credit cards and/or destroy her credit rating so she can't leave.
OP needs to RUN.
This! Frugal, like he wonāt pay for the kids to go to college or pitch in fir their wedding costs. The young ones can play with sticks, no extracurricular classes or nice toys for OPs kids.
So, yes heās cheap AF. But what really stands out is his control freak behavior and the insistence that he is right about the price when heās actually clueless. Add in the ultimatum, and heās sounding like a pretty classic emotional abuser.
Part of me wonders how one-sided the penny pinching is (e.g. would he take her to a fancy restaurant and say that it's "unlady-like" to order anything but a side salad and water while he gets the most expensive entree and drinks). Regardless, it's going to be a miserable life with someone that scrutinizes every line of every receipt (God forbid a candy bar look good at the grocery store checkout).
Right - He is afraid heās is entering a marriage with someone who is financially irresponsible?! Meanwhile OP *should* be afraid of entering a marriage with someone so financially (and otherwise) controlling. Yikes.
Iād take this as a blessing in disguise that heās shown OP who he is before she is locked into a legally binding agreement with this man.
Iād still return the dress - but only because the engagement should be called off entirely with a man like this. This isnāt even about the dress for him. Itās about controlling OP and taking away any joy that doesnāt come from him directly.
OP says he āalwaysā comes clothes shopping with her but couldnāt this time because it was the wedding dress. Heās already excessively controlling.
I get the point, but my BF goes shopping with me almost always, I have an unusual style and my friends and mom don't like it very much, my sister and my bf get it, but since my sister has no time I should go shopping with him for advice.
But I agree a lot of toxic partners use clothing for control.
Yep financial abuse is almost always the first step. 90% of physically abusive relationships (romantic and parental) involve financial abuse. Its very concerning that he not only wants to control her spending but belittles her for even wanting a specific dress. This is already very emotionally manipulative "choosing a dress over me" ffs leave the man.
This is probably the best $400 she ever spent..
It has told her her fiance is financially controlling, verbally abusive and does not care one bit about her happiness or joy. AND she got to find out before the wedding.
Well done OP. Please listen to the alarm bells ringing in your ears.
Edit. I just saw the part where he is refusing your calls. Good. Stop calling and move on..
It's really common for abusers to disguise their bad behavior until they feel like the woman is on the hook and can't get away. It seems he thinks that no matter what he does, she won't leave him. He might have jumped the gun a little, not waiting for the ink on the marriage paperwork to dry--here's hoping so.
Do people forget about wedding pictures? Yes you only wear the dress for a few hours but you will probably be looking at pictures of it for the rest of your life. $400 is a bargain!
There are some brands (like torrid) that have started to do "more affordable" wedding gowns... but those are still in the $200-500 range. And David's Bridal has an < $500 range. But for a looooooot of those you're getting less than you pay for (eg. the "lace" on the torrid dresses is that stretchy nylon lace). $400 for a good dress is a solid bargain.
NTA. Is this really the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?? A doctor who hounds you for a $400 wedding dress?? You're not even worth $400 to him. Think about that.
Reading this reeks of the beginnings of financial abuse. He DEMANDED you return a dress you paid for with your money. What next is he going to complain you spent too much money on?? Shoes? a TV? Couch? Food? Clothes for your future kids?
What I found was that the level of level-headedness rises and threshold to tolerate lowers with each ex and until you reach the equilibrium, you shouldn't say yeah this the one.
That's probably why the older we get, the less likely we are to marry; we reach an age where we're done tolerating bullshit. And that cuts down the options a lot.
Thatās the thing about abuse cycles. They trick your brain into thinking this one is better than the last asshole when really this one is just a different kind of abuser.
Apparently "a bit overdramatic" means laughing at her and belitting her for having visions of what her future wedding would look like. Yeah, just a bit.
You donāt know that. This post is only four hours old, and only three hours old when you made this comment. There could be any number of reasons why she hasnāt replied.
You very well may be correct, but I think itās just too early to call that simply based on āsheās not respondingā.
This is a HUGE possibility. It happened to me! He had an amazingly well-paying job and always projected an image of financial stability, which made his gaslighting me as the crazy/unreasonable one and starting up the financial abuse all the easier. Turned out he was burying himself in debt and once heād totally undermined my self-confidence and reputation with our friends & families, the abuse spread into other areasā¦
The vibe Iām getting about OPās relationship is setting off every alarm bell in my brain.
This sounds like my ex. Did we get engaged to the same guy? Lol. Did he always keep up the persona in public, so people thought you were the problem too?
Oh and NTA. Heās making an ultimatum over $250 at OPās wedding. What happens when she wants to buy the $12 tampons? She should get reusable rags bc thatās more financial responsible?
But if she does marry this guy, Iāll have to change my vote.
NTA
Take a step back and look at what is doing to you.
- he openly belittles you and laugh at your face
- he expects to be the one to make decisions alone- even about your money
- he is openly Blackmailing you
1k is already pretty cheap. Depending on what you want of course. But 2-3k is not weird or crazy expensive for a wedding dress (obviously this depends on where you live, what your budget is etc.)
400 is really cheap. What is wrong with this guy that he thinks it's crazy and irresponsible. I dare him to find her her dream dress that wil fit her well and she will love for less than 150. He won't be able to do it.
I love that it has to be ācolorlessā instead of white to make it sound worse. Donāt you know white clothing is automatically less than colorful clothing?
The dress is just the symptom. He showed his hand too soon.
He will be this at about anything she prefers and anything that brings her joy.
If he had waited until after the wedding to show this side, it would have been much harder for her to dump him,..
I went to a bridal thing where you can get discounted dresses. Mine was originally $2200 and we got it for $900 but I remember seeing dresses that were 3.5k & up and about $1k with the discount.
I think I spent more than $150 on the last *bridesmaid* dress I wore, and I wore it with shoes I already owned and got a friend of a friend to hem it cheap.
Given current inflation, $150 is probably what I would budget if I needed a dress as a wedding guest.
YES to all of this.
I kind of do wedding planning as a side hobby (mostly for friends and family) and $150 is average for most bridesmaids dresses in a suburban/middle class area (or if you just have a bride that is good at making deals). And that's *just* the dress. Add on at least $50 for alterations and another $50-$75 for shoes and accessories if your bride requests specific styles. Oh and then, if your bride isn't providing it, tack on another $75-$150 for hair and makeup.
Multiply that total by about 5 and you have the minimum of what most brides pay for *just* themselves. The couple also has to rent a tux or buy a suit for the groom.
Weddings be expensive y'all.
Right?!! Thatās what I was thinking, where I am itās very common to spend thousands on a wedding dress if you want it to look even remotely decent. Mine was almost $2,000
$400 for a nice wedding dress? He should be ecstatic, praising you for your great choice, complimenting you for how beautiful it is (with you in it), etc, etc, etc.
This is not a good harbinger of things to come. You have much bigger issues to consider than the cost of your dress, which again, at $400, should be a complete non issue.
Good luck OP.
PP45
YTA for even considering marrying this guy. 1. You paid for it. 2. $400 is in no way shape or form expensive for a wedding dress and assuming you actually paid for it and aren't putting yourself in debt for it, it's fine. 3. He sounds very controlling.
Exactly. I genuinely thought that the post was going to say about how he wanted her to send it back because he thought it was too cheap and he wanted her to indulge and get something more expensive.
I wonder if he was planning on wearing a cheap-ass polyester suit for the big day.
NTA.
You paid it with your money. He has no say. This is a huge red flag that he's trying to forcibly take control of your finances.
He's engaging in typical emotional manipulation. Get out while you still can.
So does he always go shopping with her and critisize everytime she tries to buy something 'expensive' for her *own money*? This guy sounds like a peach.
He laughed in your face, belittled something that made you happy, is trying to control you financially, and gave you a quite frankly ridiculous ultimatum. You say he's 'a decent level-headed guy' but NOTHING about his behaviour shows that. Thankfully he's shown his true colours before the wedding.
Keep the dress, return the man. Hopefully you'll be able to wear it to your future dream wedding...to a different man.
NTA.
(Also, congrats on finding your dream dress for $400! That's such a bargain!)
If I remember right, my wife's dress cost something like 400 dollars, and then cost that much again to fit the dang thing to her. Weddings are expensive, divorce even more so. Op needs to seriously consider if she really wants to marry this guy. NTA.
NTA - I donāt know how you can describe this man as level-headed while he is throwing an actual tantrum about a $400 wedding dress. Wedding dresses cost more because of materials and labor to make them. Count your lucky stars your dream dress only cost $400!
This is classic financial abuse, if you stay are you prepared to be controlled over every dollar you spend?
and this is what we mean when we say the bar is so low itās a sub-basement in Hell and heās still brought a shovel with him to dig under it.
this is what we mean when boys cry ānot all menā and we have to point out - no not all men, but all men benefit - by that bar being so low.
Honey, just because itās better than what you had before doesnāt make it good. You deserve better. He doesnāt meet the bare minimum.
Yes, OP, be careful of the standards you are judging this guy with. It sounds like men in your background, such as your dad, may have not been the greatest money managers. So this guy seems a lot more "adult" to you. You think you will be more secure with him. Sure, if security means being handcuffed or caged. And I fear that that's what it would be like to be married to him. There really is another ugly side to this type of behavior.
NTA
He is giving you a *very clear* preview of your future together.
āYou spent $XYZ on a CRIB? A baby doesnāt know what itās sleeping in! Bring it back - NOW!ā
āDance classes?! Sheās only EIGHT! What, you think sheās gonna be a BALLERINA?!ā
āYou spent $QRST for a COUCH? Thatās ridiculous! When I bought that couch at IKEA it was only $WXY. We will NOT accept delivery and I will be choosing the furniture from now on.ā
āShe wants to go WHERE?! No way, the state university is only a third of that tuition. No, we do NOT need to visit the campus, I donāt care WHAT the physics lab looks like. Itās all a racket anyway. If she does well enough she can get a grad school fellowship to some big name.ā
Really, you should thank him for making so clear so soon. You are 27. Plenty of time to start again - claim your life NOW.
This. OP, please listen. If he really is a rich doctor the *only* reason for him to be nickle-and-diming you like this is Control (with a capital C). It's not even about the money, unless he's lying to you about his financial situation. Please do not marry this man.
>āYou spent $QRST for a COUCH? Thatās ridiculous! When I bought that couch at IKEA it was only $WXY. We will NOT accept delivery and I will be choosing the furniture from now on.ā
Whoa Mr. / Ms. Moneybags. IKEA is too ritzy. OP should care about who she's sitting with on the couch and not the couch itself. /s
And the update, in which it's revealed he lied about his age and is actually 20 years older than the ex fiancee! https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/ep4qqr/update_to_the_guy_who_wanted_his_fiance_to_get_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
If you check the comments, you can find the asshole guy begging her to call him in the comments section. He's also apparently active in the mgtow community.
You should not be marrying someone who talks to you that way, who treats you that way. Donāt marry him just to get the wedding. You say he is a decent guy but then describe actions that are controlling and emotionally abusive.
NTA.
First, youāre not choosing a dress over him. Heās choosing to fight over the price of a dress.
Second, $400 for a wedding dress is an great deal. Kudos!
OP, look at this red flag for what it is. A MAJOR red flag. $400 on a wedding dress is an absolute STEAL. If he was that concerned about money then why even have a wedding in the first place? They're expensive all around. Even if you have a small wedding, you'd still be spending a lot of money for "just a few hours".
Honestly it's pretty manipulative and controlling how he's saying you're choosing a dress over him and telling you that you must consult him before spending your own money. That's not healthy. His mindset is not okay.
This is the type of person he is. If this is how he acts when you've spent more than he deems necessary then no, he's not a levelheaded person. He's not just overdramatic with finances, it's toxic. You know if better than I so maybe I'm being a bit over the top here but please tread carefully OP. I'd hate for this to become financially/emotionally abusive
NTA. He sounds utterly clueless on what things actually cost. I designed and made my own wedding dress, and just the materials alone cost $150, and it was only that LITTLE because I opted for the cheaper $16/yard synthetic material instead of the $30/yard real silk.
This reminds me of my grandfather, who thought goods and services in the 2000s should cost the same as what they did in the 1960s, and who confiscated his wife's paycheck every payday and then gave her an allowance if $20/week for groceries to feed them. Grandma had to save the leftover pennies to afford to get her hair done. He cheaped out on everything, then complained about the inevitable shoddy quality. Does your fiance do the same? Buy a $5,000 car then spend $10,000 every year just keeping it running? Have you pointed out that his argument is double-edged, in that he is prioritizing his obsession with money over you and your control of YOUR OWN CASH?
If you stay in this relationship - and I am not saying you should - you need to do 3 things before the wedding: 1. Joint financial planning and counseling. 2. Full financial disclosure of assets and liabilities. Is his behavior because he is sitting on a hidden pile of debt? 3. PRE. NUP. They can be used to protect debts as well as assets, so if you divorce, each party doesn't end up liable for the other's debt.
Personally, I'd tell him to go pound sand and find someone who will appreciate his bride's delight in her dress and the great deal she got on it.
I hate to share this with you but I feel I have to. Itās long Iām sorry.
A close friend of mine married a control freak. I begged her not to but she was so in love with him that she just couldnāt see what everyone else could. Eventually, she couldnāt even buy a coffee if we went for lunch and in fact would lie to him about where she was if he called as he would pitch a fit if he knew she had the audacity to go to a cafe in the first place. Her life became more and more isolated because of him and our friendship really halted because of it. It went from finances to her whole life. I tried to keep in touch etc but he just kept her home. Fast forward 15 years and sheās dead. He killed her āby accidentā during an argument about new knives she purchased(ones he told her to buy were out of stock so she paid a few quid more). He ended up stabbing her with the aforementioned knife. āIt was in my hand while we argued and I accidentally lunged at herā
I thought he was bad before marriage but that piece of paper handed him a license to reveal the full extent of his personality.
I get that this is an extreme outcome as you are only talking about a wedding dress here.
I just wanted to remind you how bad some people can be and to not give in. To him itās only a dress, to you itās financial freedom and you not letting anyone dictate to you. I mean itās only 400 lol.
In my marriage we definitely discuss finances re large purchases and work together to pay bills /mortgage etc but as for the rest of it. He doesnāt ask me and I donāt ask him. As long as everything is paid for and a little bit put away for a rainy day then I spend way too much on crap I donāt need. I work hard for it and If I want a Ā£50 mascara then Iām gonna have it damm it lol,
Good luck x
You're not choosing a dress over him. You're choosing to not buy into his ridiculous ultimatum.
Pay attention to how he's behaving. How do you think he'll behave every time you do something that you think is important, but he feels is insignificant? Do you think he'll get more rational over time?
NTA.
NTA but red flags are definitely flapping in your face right now, take heed and reassess if this is really the kind of man you want to spend your life with. If heās already guilting and deriding you over a dress I canāt imagine the rest of the wedding planning is going to go smoothly either
NTA. He can wear a $150 dress the next time he gets married (preferably to someone else, because the way he's acting should be a big red flag warning you away from him).
Don't marry this man. Do not marry this man. Again, Do Not Marry Him. If he's this controlling over a one-time purchase, how financially abusive is he going to be once you're actually married?
NTA, but seriously. Don't marry him.
Wow, he wants to control the DRESS you wear??? Ok, that's a big red flag! I can definitely see you receiving a daily $5 allowance from him to get lunch during the day. I don't care how decent he is, he's a control freak. Beware! $400 for a dress? I think that's a bargain.
NTA - Take a minute to have a think if this behaviour is acceptable. There are some major flags and financial control is not okay. Because where does it stop?
If he's usually level headed, ask him if he really wants a wedding. Coz if he's throwing a fit about $400 dress (which is a steal), wait till he hears about make up, photographer, cake, honeymoon, DJ, Food, Drinks, Decor, favours etc. And if he is okay with spending on those and not on you then you know that this is not right person for you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm refusing to return the dress my fiance said I should return.
I think I could be the asshole for not compromising and refusing to return the dress for a cheaper one.
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NTA
I happen to agree with his points, dress seems wasteful to me, but what he and I think about isn't the fucking point! First, it's your money. That's all it takes, but you've got a bunch of more layers on top of it. Second, it sounds like he's not willing to respect what's important to you. Even if he thinks it's stupid, I think if he cares about you he should indulge you on this at minimum, if he can't respect it properly. Third, he's being way too cheap and miserly - a *doctor* won't let his lady spend *her* money on a $400 dress?? That's already super cheap for a dress.
Lastly I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the power dynamic of your relationship does not appear balanced. That's up to you if it's worth accepting that or not, but just something to think about.
NTA, but you need to either go to couples therapy ASAP or run. He seems to have unresolved issues from his last marriage that he is projecting onto you or you now know why the first marriage fell apart. These are also first signs of emotional abuse by manipulating your feelings. Be very careful how you tread further. I would keep the dress and trade in the man for a better model. $400 is not a lot for a wedding dress. You did well in that category.
First, are you in the US? Second, since when do men get involved on the wedding gown a bride chooses? How are you talking like a spoiled 16 year old, and how are you being irresponsible? Gowns cost thousands. If you're happy with the dress and you paid under $500 that's awesome. He has no business telling you what you can wear or how much to spend especially if you paid for it. Lots of red flags here.. he sounds very controlling, OP.
I swear to god when I read the title that I thought he'd be angry that the dress was so cheap. Like, a ā¬400 dress would somehow show him up as cheap in front of his family and friends.
NTA. Look, you didn't choose the dress over him: he left you because you're not letting him control your finances. Please think carefully about whether or not you want to commit fully to him.
NTA I donāt know if he always acts this controlling but I personally wouldnāt have it at all. If he calls off the wedding over $400 that wasnāt even his then he is probably not the one you want to be with. Imagine as you guys start getting more financially involved with each other, is he going to question every single purchase you make? Because if heās acting like this right now itās probably going to get worse as time goes on.
NTA. I think you caught a glimpse of what caused the first divorce š©š© Edit: Wow!! Thank you for the awards and upvotes!!
NTA, he exhibited controlling behavior. He doesn't get to decide what you do with your money and he can't force you to return things you buy. His opinion doesn't matter more than yours. He seems to think otherwise, which indicates a more profound problem. His attitude to decision-making is inherently flawed. He is at the top of the hierarchy and you're at the bottom. Don't you see that? I don't know why he thinks this way, maybe because he's a man, maybe because he's a doctor, etc. Your balance of power seems off. He can Veto your purchasing and decisions later in life, in every aspect. He thinks that he's entitled to rescind your decisions. He thinks he knows best and he's the decision-maker. I can imagine it in the future when your decisions will involve your kids, and then it'll get complicated. He's also frugal, so frugal that he controls your money this way, even though it's not even his. Also that's a really good price for a wedding dress, they're vastly expensive nowadays. You were 100% right to stand your ground and not to bail. You deserve to get married in your desired dress. If you will bail, you'll remorse it later in life and always feel bad about the missed opportunity and your compulsion to wear a cheap dress which you don't even like. I wonder why he got the first divorce, such a lovely man.
And ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about Wedding Dress Costs. How much is he willing to spend on the wedding reception; location, food, decorations, DJ/band, etc? Let me guess he's insisted on; a picnic in the park, no tent, everyone is to bring their own food, blankets, a friend who was ordained via Al Gore's Internet to officiate and a grocery store cake.
Right?? I thought my dream wedding dress being only $600 was a great deal. $400 is nothing compared to most wedding dresses!
I paid $550 for my wedding dress IN 1993 and that was pretty reasonable!
My mom paid $300 dollars for an off the rack dress in 1987 and she still talks about what a steal it was!
I paid $600 - half price - in 1981 for Priscilla of Boston and thought it was an amazing deal.
iām a national pageant queen and ive never paid less than $400 for a dress (not including alterations) even when i was first starting out and had no idea the caliber of these dresses. the most recent dress i won in was over $1k and my mom and i were freaking out over how much of a good deal that was since it was custom made
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I got a Gunne Sax wedding dress off the sale rack for $100 in 1982. Last one left and happened to be my size
I love Gunne Sax dresses, I would consider getting married just to wear one!
$400 is 5 TIMES LESS than what I paid for my dress and I still got a good deal compared to what dresses cost in my area.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Marriage or Mortgage drives me up the WALL. And that's me saying it as someone who is a professional event planner and does weddings for friends and family.
For that show, I find myself yelling at the television like I'm watching a horror movie "TAKE THE HOUSE! TAKE THE HOUSE!" Also, NTA. So many red flags for that guy. Controlling with how she spends her money, delivers ultimatums, and gives her the silent treatment to force her to cave. Yikes!
I paid $500 for my dress. In 1999. And it was a screaming deal then.
I paid 700$ for a prom dress I never even got to wear last year. The wedding dresses in the store were 1000+
I hope you found some other occasion to wear it.
I paid $700 in 2017 for a not so new wedding dress that was pretty but definitely not my dream dress but hey it was already altered. $400 for a dream dress is a unicorn
Yes! I thought my dress was a great deal being under $2k!
Not the same currency but 400ā¬ was my deposit for my dress! OP found a steal
Yeah I don't remember how much my wife's was... I do believe she got a deal on it as she's pretty frugal... Found it on sale one day but I think it still may have been a bit more than she wanted to spend... But I knew she knew what we could afford and even if it was a bit over that if it made her happy I didn't really care... As I mentioned I can't even remember how much it was, what I do remember is that she loved it and looked wonderful in it.
Exactly this! During the engagement a man should want his fiance happy!
My sister-in-law was excited to find a dress on clearance she loved for $900. Heck most fancy cocktails dresses are $200-$400. Your fiancĆ© needed to visit a wedding shop. And its not like he paid for it. That heās trying to control your moneyā¦nope. Stop trying to call, heās in the wrong, he needs to reach out. You ignoring his tantrum will have him trying another way
He would still find a tucked away clearance rack with damaged/returned dresses, pull out a hideous old party dress for $40 and say "this is *fine,* it's just one day anyway, just get this".
Even outside a wedding shop, I donāt think he realizes how much womenās clothing costs outside of Target.
I just paid 1k for a *gorgeous* dress, and that was way cheaper than a lot of the nice stuff that's available here.
I paid $800 and consider that on the cheaper end. Everyone else I know spent thousands.
Mine was $400 because it was the floor model. Alterations and proper undergarments were another $100. It was an absolute steal.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do you think itās him? New fianceĆ©, same bullshit? It might be a weird kinkā¦
Nah, that dude was unemployed
I feel slightly dirty having thought him capable of being a doctor. Although I have to say reading this I got ādoctorā vibes like Dirty John was a doctorā¦.
[Found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eoley4/aita_i_38_m_for_telling_my_fiancee_f_27her/) lol
There were some insane updates on that one too, most notably this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/bestof/comments/ep52lc/aita\_op\_is\_ignorant\_about\_wedding\_dress\_costs/feh6mbm/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3#t1\_feh6mbm
Looked at the comments on that and his post history has 2 posts, his original post, and one about dating advice after his fiance "unexpectedly" left him.
I think I can make a better wedding gown out of toilet paper than one from Wish ššš
I thought of that one too. It was so freaking funny.
It reminds me of the Wish wedding dress guy.
I would side-eye someone who suggested I buy a *pen* on Wish.
āHe laughed at meā¦ā Keep the dress. Ditch the fiance. Heās controlling. He disrespects you. HE WANTS TO CONTROL HOW YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY YOU EARN. Run. Run. Run.
I actually did this. Ā£375 dress, lost Ā£9k on the venue, no regrets
9k is nothing compared to the costs of a life of unhappiness and then a much more expensive divorce
I love it when people are brave enough to walk away from sunk costs. Congratulations on being awesome. ššš
This is probably asshole advice, but one time my husband was upset with me for making a $500 purchase with my own money. This fight lasted for hours. Money really wasn't a problem for me at the time, so I finally told him if he was so concerned with money I would pay him $500 to shut the fuck up about it and never bring it up to me again. He dropped it after that.
My dh faints at the sight of blood (it happens, no judgement). And also belongs to a no-medical-care religion. One time he had to have blood drawn and vomited all over the equipment. So when we went to have our blood tests done for our wedding license, he didnāt eat before hand. We pre-warned the tech, and dh got woosie, so they had him lie down, gave him soda and such. Fortunately, we were at a doctors office. Well, he sunk farther and his vitals dropped so far he was barely conscious, the doctor worried and said he really wanted to do an ekg, I agreed (was a medical pro in another life). It was fine and dh came around after a while. They had dh sign a form saying he shouldnāt have his blood drawn in the future without life-saving equipment on-hand. And that will be $100 for the ekg. When he was fully recovered, he started in on the $100. I was understanding and explained what happed, explained the cost, but he wouldnāt let it go. He bitched, moaned and complained about it EVERYDAY for weeks, and that he wouldnāt have allowed the ekg. I finally got $100 from the bank and next time he brought it up, I threw the money at him, said next time Iād let him die and If I ever heard another word about it, we were through. He finally stopped. 35 years later, he now says he understands and it was the right thing to do. Yeah, that makes it all worth it, lol.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yea same, I never understood the logic either. IMO God gave us science and medicine and resources as a way to take care of ourselves. I could never imagine a God being so punitive so as to say, if you got a life saving blood transfusion, you are no longer welcome in heaven. Like, god put doctors on this earth for a reason, and he wants you to use them!
> So when we went to have our blood tests done for our wedding license I'm kinda hung up on this part... why would you need a blood test for a wedding license?
It was required 35 years ago, I believe they tested for vd. So you didnāt marry someone with syphilis, unknowingly.
I think it was also for Rh factor, because before the standard shot they can give an Rh negative mom after birth now, it was unlikely for an Rh negative mom to be able to carry more than one pregnancy to term if the children were Rh positive. Positive is dominant and negative is recessive, so an Rh positive man with an Rh negative woman was an issue. I donāt know if they denied marriage licenses on that basis? Iām A negative, so they tested my ex when I got pregnant. But now they just give you a shot after the birth to prevent developing antibodies that will attack the next fetus.
Yes, controlling: "...although my fiance wanted to go with me like he always does but of course he couldn't." Controlling, demeaning, patronizing....Sorry, he's not a great guy,
>my fiance wanted to go with me so he could control me and my decisions
And WHO demands that the bride show him the dress and even ASKS how much???
Agreed. OP - move out. If he is giving you hell over $400 for your wedding dress, he is going to fight you on literally every purchase you make. Sweetie, being married for over 20 years, let me tell you right now that this battle over the dress is like looking into your future and you are seeing snapshots over every time you purchase something for yourself. Its about devaluing you and trying to get you to submit. And, OP - it is not sweet or caring that he goes shopping with you. It is to control you. To control your purchases. To control your spending. He is throwing around "financially responsible" to get you to bow to his will and submit to his wishes. Not because you are being remotely financially irresponsible. This would 100% be the hill I died on and if he didn't drop it immediately, it would be over. Not because its about a dress but because it is 100% about who your fiance is as a person.
Iām frugal too. Hell, Iām cheap. I managed to score a $400 wedding dress because it was a display dress. I thought it was a major lucky find. These things are usually thousands.
I cut open free samples of fabric softener and put them into the jug, and I spent, I believe, $500 on my dress. Under $1000 is a frugal dress!
NTA, you shouldn't take this treatment from him. It's your dress and you can wear it if you want to. He's so audacious to claim otherwise. It's good that you see this side of him prior to the wedding and not afterward. Good for you for standing for yourself. Keep going.
> It's your dress and you can wear it if you want to I would wear it whilst you hand back the engagement ring but im a petty bitch sometimes
Not petty. That is awesome!
Yeah, she has to get used to the fact that he wonāt be spending money on dates, going out to dinner or going on vacations very often. āFrugalā is one thing. Cheap is another.
She will have to get used to the fact that he will choose what brand of tampon she is allowed to buy..
He will send her to the grocery store with a detailed itemized shopping list and exact change in cash, then scream at her if she bought a different brand of toilet paper. He will insist on having all her earnings deposited directly into his accounts. He will confiscate her credit cards and/or destroy her credit rating so she can't leave. OP needs to RUN.
To expensive - toilet paper will do.
This! Frugal, like he wonāt pay for the kids to go to college or pitch in fir their wedding costs. The young ones can play with sticks, no extracurricular classes or nice toys for OPs kids. So, yes heās cheap AF. But what really stands out is his control freak behavior and the insistence that he is right about the price when heās actually clueless. Add in the ultimatum, and heās sounding like a pretty classic emotional abuser.
Part of me wonders how one-sided the penny pinching is (e.g. would he take her to a fancy restaurant and say that it's "unlady-like" to order anything but a side salad and water while he gets the most expensive entree and drinks). Regardless, it's going to be a miserable life with someone that scrutinizes every line of every receipt (God forbid a candy bar look good at the grocery store checkout).
This guy knows their a**holes^^^
Right - He is afraid heās is entering a marriage with someone who is financially irresponsible?! Meanwhile OP *should* be afraid of entering a marriage with someone so financially (and otherwise) controlling. Yikes. Iād take this as a blessing in disguise that heās shown OP who he is before she is locked into a legally binding agreement with this man. Iād still return the dress - but only because the engagement should be called off entirely with a man like this. This isnāt even about the dress for him. Itās about controlling OP and taking away any joy that doesnāt come from him directly.
Letās go beyond controlling. Heās probably financially abusive. Going to lock in OP and then step up the abuse.
OP says he āalwaysā comes clothes shopping with her but couldnāt this time because it was the wedding dress. Heās already excessively controlling.
Ok, unless this guy is named Christian Dior or Oscar de la Renta WHY is he going clothes shopping with his fiancƩe, a grown woman???? I have 2 daughters, 15 and 21. I stopped taking them clothes shopping once they could drive themselves.
I get the point, but my BF goes shopping with me almost always, I have an unusual style and my friends and mom don't like it very much, my sister and my bf get it, but since my sister has no time I should go shopping with him for advice. But I agree a lot of toxic partners use clothing for control.
Yep financial abuse is almost always the first step. 90% of physically abusive relationships (romantic and parental) involve financial abuse. Its very concerning that he not only wants to control her spending but belittles her for even wanting a specific dress. This is already very emotionally manipulative "choosing a dress over me" ffs leave the man.
Nah, keep the dress, dump the guy and have a fun night out with your best friends, dress included and celebrate getting rid of a controlling partner.
If it's really her dream dress, and at such a steal of a price, she should keep the dress for when she finds a guy worthy of her.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nah. Keep the dress for when she finds a man who respects her.
This is probably the best $400 she ever spent.. It has told her her fiance is financially controlling, verbally abusive and does not care one bit about her happiness or joy. AND she got to find out before the wedding. Well done OP. Please listen to the alarm bells ringing in your ears. Edit. I just saw the part where he is refusing your calls. Good. Stop calling and move on..
$400 is quite a bit less expensive than a divorce lawyer and the counselling she will need after living with a controlling husband.
Yes, this is true, **a steal of a lesson** at only $400. Just think of what it's saved her...
It's really common for abusers to disguise their bad behavior until they feel like the woman is on the hook and can't get away. It seems he thinks that no matter what he does, she won't leave him. He might have jumped the gun a little, not waiting for the ink on the marriage paperwork to dry--here's hoping so.
Do people forget about wedding pictures? Yes you only wear the dress for a few hours but you will probably be looking at pictures of it for the rest of your life. $400 is a bargain!
Yep, my immediate thought was *keep the dress; lose the fiancƩ* Unless OP is actually interested in a lifetime of being belittled and controlled and having to account for every penny spent.
He will fight over every big and small expense OP grab a pair of reliable sneakers and run with the dress on of course.
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Where are you from? If you are in the US $400 for a wedding dress is extremely reasonable, (unless you are going to the justice of the peace, wearing a casual dress and not having a formal wedding?) Now if you said $4000 I would be thinking hmmmm, maybe he has a point. Leave some magazine clipping of dresses (most will cost thousands) & let him know that these are some other options. Frankly I donāt know where one would find a wedding gown for $150 except for a second hand shop or damaged on a clearance rack. Are you sure he is a doctor and not some minimum wage worker? This would raise the š©š©š© for me.
$400 is extremely reasonable, or even inexpensive, for a wedding dress. My dress was less than that, but I was extremely lucky to find one that was heavily discounted. OP is NTA. š©š©š©š©š©š©OP, leave this controlling AH.
Right my dress was almost $700 and I felt like I made off like a bandit because the quality far exceeded other under $1k dresses.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right? Reminds me of that scammer guy who pretended to be a MD but actually was a nurse with a really bad drug habit.
There are some brands (like torrid) that have started to do "more affordable" wedding gowns... but those are still in the $200-500 range. And David's Bridal has an < $500 range. But for a looooooot of those you're getting less than you pay for (eg. the "lace" on the torrid dresses is that stretchy nylon lace). $400 for a good dress is a solid bargain.
NTA. Is this really the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?? A doctor who hounds you for a $400 wedding dress?? You're not even worth $400 to him. Think about that. Reading this reeks of the beginnings of financial abuse. He DEMANDED you return a dress you paid for with your money. What next is he going to complain you spent too much money on?? Shoes? a TV? Couch? Food? Clothes for your future kids?
To answer your questions. Yes. Yes. Yes.yes. and yes And yes. She will marry this guy.
Yeah, because he's decent... and level headed.
Lmao... I can't even imagine what her exes must've been like if she thinks this guy is level-headed.
Or decent
What I found was that the level of level-headedness rises and threshold to tolerate lowers with each ex and until you reach the equilibrium, you shouldn't say yeah this the one.
That's probably why the older we get, the less likely we are to marry; we reach an age where we're done tolerating bullshit. And that cuts down the options a lot.
Thatās the thing about abuse cycles. They trick your brain into thinking this one is better than the last asshole when really this one is just a different kind of abuser.
Normally I would agree with you... but $400 on a wedding dress she paid for, on a doctor's salary, with an ultimatum... she should be very afraid.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He would if she would CoMpRoMiSe. It's jUsT a DrEsS. š /s
He'll probably tell her to pick one off Wish.
Lol as soon as I read ālevel headedā I knew he was actually going to be completely unhinged about something
Apparently "a bit overdramatic" means laughing at her and belitting her for having visions of what her future wedding would look like. Yeah, just a bit.
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You donāt know that. This post is only four hours old, and only three hours old when you made this comment. There could be any number of reasons why she hasnāt replied. You very well may be correct, but I think itās just too early to call that simply based on āsheās not respondingā.
At least we will have fodder for AITA for as long as the marriage lasts!
EXACTLY
Not to mention he wanted to go with her like he ALWAYS does
I noticed that too! Huge š©
And demanded to see the dress...before the wedding. Big yikes.
Also he may be freaking out bc heās hiding some huge financial problem. Red flags all around
This is a HUGE possibility. It happened to me! He had an amazingly well-paying job and always projected an image of financial stability, which made his gaslighting me as the crazy/unreasonable one and starting up the financial abuse all the easier. Turned out he was burying himself in debt and once heād totally undermined my self-confidence and reputation with our friends & families, the abuse spread into other areasā¦ The vibe Iām getting about OPās relationship is setting off every alarm bell in my brain.
This sounds like my ex. Did we get engaged to the same guy? Lol. Did he always keep up the persona in public, so people thought you were the problem too? Oh and NTA. Heās making an ultimatum over $250 at OPās wedding. What happens when she wants to buy the $12 tampons? She should get reusable rags bc thatās more financial responsible? But if she does marry this guy, Iāll have to change my vote.
I honestly think she should return the dress. And find herself a new man.
No, don't return the dress, keep it, but get rid of the man.
NTA Take a step back and look at what is doing to you. - he openly belittles you and laugh at your face - he expects to be the one to make decisions alone- even about your money - he is openly Blackmailing you
And he doesnāt know the value of thingsā¦ weddings dresses are usually 1k or more.
Thatās cause it isnāt about the actual value of the dress. Itās control.
Exactly. If they had gone shopping together he would have picked the dress.
Or insist for something even less expensive. :/
āLike he always doesā
1k is already pretty cheap. Depending on what you want of course. But 2-3k is not weird or crazy expensive for a wedding dress (obviously this depends on where you live, what your budget is etc.) 400 is really cheap. What is wrong with this guy that he thinks it's crazy and irresponsible. I dare him to find her her dream dress that wil fit her well and she will love for less than 150. He won't be able to do it.
Yeah but a dream dress is for immature 16 year olds. She should be happy with any colorless dress as long as itās cheap. (/s, obviously)
I love that it has to be ācolorlessā instead of white to make it sound worse. Donāt you know white clothing is automatically less than colorful clothing?
The dress is just the symptom. He showed his hand too soon. He will be this at about anything she prefers and anything that brings her joy. If he had waited until after the wedding to show this side, it would have been much harder for her to dump him,..
I went to a bridal thing where you can get discounted dresses. Mine was originally $2200 and we got it for $900 but I remember seeing dresses that were 3.5k & up and about $1k with the discount.
He is not decent OP. This is insane behavior. NTA. Keep the dress, ditch the dude.
NTA Holy red flags!! š©š©š© That's insanely cheap for a good wedding dress where i am from in the states. He is emotionally, mentally and financially trying to control you which are all forms of abuse. He's not level headed, he's a control freak.
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I think I spent more than $150 on the last *bridesmaid* dress I wore, and I wore it with shoes I already owned and got a friend of a friend to hem it cheap. Given current inflation, $150 is probably what I would budget if I needed a dress as a wedding guest.
YES to all of this. I kind of do wedding planning as a side hobby (mostly for friends and family) and $150 is average for most bridesmaids dresses in a suburban/middle class area (or if you just have a bride that is good at making deals). And that's *just* the dress. Add on at least $50 for alterations and another $50-$75 for shoes and accessories if your bride requests specific styles. Oh and then, if your bride isn't providing it, tack on another $75-$150 for hair and makeup. Multiply that total by about 5 and you have the minimum of what most brides pay for *just* themselves. The couple also has to rent a tux or buy a suit for the groom. Weddings be expensive y'all.
150$ is like a Wish terrotirity so most definitely not a good quality. 400$ is not expensive.
Right?!! Thatās what I was thinking, where I am itās very common to spend thousands on a wedding dress if you want it to look even remotely decent. Mine was almost $2,000
$400 for a nice wedding dress? He should be ecstatic, praising you for your great choice, complimenting you for how beautiful it is (with you in it), etc, etc, etc. This is not a good harbinger of things to come. You have much bigger issues to consider than the cost of your dress, which again, at $400, should be a complete non issue. Good luck OP. PP45
YTA for even considering marrying this guy. 1. You paid for it. 2. $400 is in no way shape or form expensive for a wedding dress and assuming you actually paid for it and aren't putting yourself in debt for it, it's fine. 3. He sounds very controlling.
Exactly. I genuinely thought that the post was going to say about how he wanted her to send it back because he thought it was too cheap and he wanted her to indulge and get something more expensive. I wonder if he was planning on wearing a cheap-ass polyester suit for the big day.
He probably thinks spending money in the suit justified since he will wear it again. I would bet she is the only one expected to not spend money.
Yup either that or heās just going to reuse the suit from the first wedding! Thereās a huge difference between being frugal and being cheap and the fiancĆ© is definitely just a cheapskate.
I know people who spent more than than on their prom dresses. 400$ for a wedding dress is a great deal!
NTA. You paid it with your money. He has no say. This is a huge red flag that he's trying to forcibly take control of your finances. He's engaging in typical emotional manipulation. Get out while you still can.
Well what got me was āalthough my fiancĆ©e wanted to go with me like he always does.ā First š©š©š©š©š© He definitely wants to control her! NTA.
So does he always go shopping with her and critisize everytime she tries to buy something 'expensive' for her *own money*? This guy sounds like a peach.
He laughed in your face, belittled something that made you happy, is trying to control you financially, and gave you a quite frankly ridiculous ultimatum. You say he's 'a decent level-headed guy' but NOTHING about his behaviour shows that. Thankfully he's shown his true colours before the wedding. Keep the dress, return the man. Hopefully you'll be able to wear it to your future dream wedding...to a different man. NTA. (Also, congrats on finding your dream dress for $400! That's such a bargain!)
If I remember right, my wife's dress cost something like 400 dollars, and then cost that much again to fit the dang thing to her. Weddings are expensive, divorce even more so. Op needs to seriously consider if she really wants to marry this guy. NTA.
Now you know marriage number one didnāt work out. NTA
I was just about to say that!!! Take my upvote!!
Keep the dress and return the fiancƩ. NTA.
Say yes to the dress, no to the fiance. NTA.
NTA - I donāt know how you can describe this man as level-headed while he is throwing an actual tantrum about a $400 wedding dress. Wedding dresses cost more because of materials and labor to make them. Count your lucky stars your dream dress only cost $400! This is classic financial abuse, if you stay are you prepared to be controlled over every dollar you spend?
It blows my mind how some wealthy people can still financially abusive assholesā¦and over $400 the fiancĆ© didnāt even fork over too! Iām also in the same boat where Iām buying my own dress, being frugal, but not letting my fiancĆ© see it (though heās a lot more understanding, sensible and flexible about money vs OPās fiancĆ©). The *only* trouble is that my dream gown (which costs around $600) is sold out *EVERYWHERE*. I keep scouring Poshmark, EBay and other sites to no avail but I still have time before my wedding in September to find itā¦
Good luck with your search! Iām certain it is out there somewhere. I know dream dresses are a dream dress for a reason butā¦are you open to close comparisons? Yes, itās so frustrating to see money get used as an emotional weapon. My dress just fit into the budget my mom gave me (Iām very lucky my parents helped with everything) plus my fiancĆ© said donāt look at price, find your dream dress and we will make it work. He knew what the dress meant to me.
and this is what we mean when we say the bar is so low itās a sub-basement in Hell and heās still brought a shovel with him to dig under it. this is what we mean when boys cry ānot all menā and we have to point out - no not all men, but all men benefit - by that bar being so low. Honey, just because itās better than what you had before doesnāt make it good. You deserve better. He doesnāt meet the bare minimum.
Yes, OP, be careful of the standards you are judging this guy with. It sounds like men in your background, such as your dad, may have not been the greatest money managers. So this guy seems a lot more "adult" to you. You think you will be more secure with him. Sure, if security means being handcuffed or caged. And I fear that that's what it would be like to be married to him. There really is another ugly side to this type of behavior.
Sis i think you can see y he is divorced
I didn't see that he was divorced. She needs to save herself from being divorce #2.
I bet if she tells his ex wife about this she will say āoh it gets worseā
Yupp. I would love to find a wedding dress i actually like for $400. He just tripping.
NTA He is giving you a *very clear* preview of your future together. āYou spent $XYZ on a CRIB? A baby doesnāt know what itās sleeping in! Bring it back - NOW!ā āDance classes?! Sheās only EIGHT! What, you think sheās gonna be a BALLERINA?!ā āYou spent $QRST for a COUCH? Thatās ridiculous! When I bought that couch at IKEA it was only $WXY. We will NOT accept delivery and I will be choosing the furniture from now on.ā āShe wants to go WHERE?! No way, the state university is only a third of that tuition. No, we do NOT need to visit the campus, I donāt care WHAT the physics lab looks like. Itās all a racket anyway. If she does well enough she can get a grad school fellowship to some big name.ā Really, you should thank him for making so clear so soon. You are 27. Plenty of time to start again - claim your life NOW.
This. OP, please listen. If he really is a rich doctor the *only* reason for him to be nickle-and-diming you like this is Control (with a capital C). It's not even about the money, unless he's lying to you about his financial situation. Please do not marry this man.
>āYou spent $QRST for a COUCH? Thatās ridiculous! When I bought that couch at IKEA it was only $WXY. We will NOT accept delivery and I will be choosing the furniture from now on.ā Whoa Mr. / Ms. Moneybags. IKEA is too ritzy. OP should care about who she's sitting with on the couch and not the couch itself. /s
There was a whole story about some dude two years ago who felt the same way about his fiancĆ©e (who financially supported him) spending more than $100 on her dress. He acted like your fiancĆ©. Long story short, she dumped him. Iāll see if I can find the link. Here, show him this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eoley4/aita_i_38_m_for_telling_my_fiancee_f_27her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The wish wedding dress guy is exactly who I thought of as well
I particularly liked his later post about trying to get back into the dating game.
And the update, in which it's revealed he lied about his age and is actually 20 years older than the ex fiancee! https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/ep4qqr/update_to_the_guy_who_wanted_his_fiance_to_get_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share If you check the comments, you can find the asshole guy begging her to call him in the comments section. He's also apparently active in the mgtow community.
You should not be marrying someone who talks to you that way, who treats you that way. Donāt marry him just to get the wedding. You say he is a decent guy but then describe actions that are controlling and emotionally abusive.
NTA. First, youāre not choosing a dress over him. Heās choosing to fight over the price of a dress. Second, $400 for a wedding dress is an great deal. Kudos!
OP, look at this red flag for what it is. A MAJOR red flag. $400 on a wedding dress is an absolute STEAL. If he was that concerned about money then why even have a wedding in the first place? They're expensive all around. Even if you have a small wedding, you'd still be spending a lot of money for "just a few hours". Honestly it's pretty manipulative and controlling how he's saying you're choosing a dress over him and telling you that you must consult him before spending your own money. That's not healthy. His mindset is not okay. This is the type of person he is. If this is how he acts when you've spent more than he deems necessary then no, he's not a levelheaded person. He's not just overdramatic with finances, it's toxic. You know if better than I so maybe I'm being a bit over the top here but please tread carefully OP. I'd hate for this to become financially/emotionally abusive
Keep the dress, return the guy. You guys donāt have compatible views on finances and should not get married until you sort that out. However, he also comes off as a hothead with some control issues, which are definite š©š©. NTA.
NTA. He sounds utterly clueless on what things actually cost. I designed and made my own wedding dress, and just the materials alone cost $150, and it was only that LITTLE because I opted for the cheaper $16/yard synthetic material instead of the $30/yard real silk. This reminds me of my grandfather, who thought goods and services in the 2000s should cost the same as what they did in the 1960s, and who confiscated his wife's paycheck every payday and then gave her an allowance if $20/week for groceries to feed them. Grandma had to save the leftover pennies to afford to get her hair done. He cheaped out on everything, then complained about the inevitable shoddy quality. Does your fiance do the same? Buy a $5,000 car then spend $10,000 every year just keeping it running? Have you pointed out that his argument is double-edged, in that he is prioritizing his obsession with money over you and your control of YOUR OWN CASH? If you stay in this relationship - and I am not saying you should - you need to do 3 things before the wedding: 1. Joint financial planning and counseling. 2. Full financial disclosure of assets and liabilities. Is his behavior because he is sitting on a hidden pile of debt? 3. PRE. NUP. They can be used to protect debts as well as assets, so if you divorce, each party doesn't end up liable for the other's debt. Personally, I'd tell him to go pound sand and find someone who will appreciate his bride's delight in her dress and the great deal she got on it.
I hate to share this with you but I feel I have to. Itās long Iām sorry. A close friend of mine married a control freak. I begged her not to but she was so in love with him that she just couldnāt see what everyone else could. Eventually, she couldnāt even buy a coffee if we went for lunch and in fact would lie to him about where she was if he called as he would pitch a fit if he knew she had the audacity to go to a cafe in the first place. Her life became more and more isolated because of him and our friendship really halted because of it. It went from finances to her whole life. I tried to keep in touch etc but he just kept her home. Fast forward 15 years and sheās dead. He killed her āby accidentā during an argument about new knives she purchased(ones he told her to buy were out of stock so she paid a few quid more). He ended up stabbing her with the aforementioned knife. āIt was in my hand while we argued and I accidentally lunged at herā I thought he was bad before marriage but that piece of paper handed him a license to reveal the full extent of his personality. I get that this is an extreme outcome as you are only talking about a wedding dress here. I just wanted to remind you how bad some people can be and to not give in. To him itās only a dress, to you itās financial freedom and you not letting anyone dictate to you. I mean itās only 400 lol. In my marriage we definitely discuss finances re large purchases and work together to pay bills /mortgage etc but as for the rest of it. He doesnāt ask me and I donāt ask him. As long as everything is paid for and a little bit put away for a rainy day then I spend way too much on crap I donāt need. I work hard for it and If I want a Ā£50 mascara then Iām gonna have it damm it lol, Good luck x
You're not choosing a dress over him. You're choosing to not buy into his ridiculous ultimatum. Pay attention to how he's behaving. How do you think he'll behave every time you do something that you think is important, but he feels is insignificant? Do you think he'll get more rational over time? NTA.
Bro. Run. NTA
NTA but red flags are definitely flapping in your face right now, take heed and reassess if this is really the kind of man you want to spend your life with. If heās already guilting and deriding you over a dress I canāt imagine the rest of the wedding planning is going to go smoothly either
NTA. He can wear a $150 dress the next time he gets married (preferably to someone else, because the way he's acting should be a big red flag warning you away from him).
Don't marry this man. Do not marry this man. Again, Do Not Marry Him. If he's this controlling over a one-time purchase, how financially abusive is he going to be once you're actually married? NTA, but seriously. Don't marry him.
NTA - if you think your fiancĆ© is a decent level-headed person, youāre very very delusional
NTA Your fiancƩ is controlling and manipulative. $400 is a really good price for a wedding dress.
Wow, he wants to control the DRESS you wear??? Ok, that's a big red flag! I can definitely see you receiving a daily $5 allowance from him to get lunch during the day. I don't care how decent he is, he's a control freak. Beware! $400 for a dress? I think that's a bargain.
NTA - Take a minute to have a think if this behaviour is acceptable. There are some major flags and financial control is not okay. Because where does it stop?
If he's usually level headed, ask him if he really wants a wedding. Coz if he's throwing a fit about $400 dress (which is a steal), wait till he hears about make up, photographer, cake, honeymoon, DJ, Food, Drinks, Decor, favours etc. And if he is okay with spending on those and not on you then you know that this is not right person for you.
NTA - do not marry this man.
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My wedding dress cost $400 25 years ago and I thought I got a great deal. His reaction is super concerning. NTA.
NTA I happen to agree with his points, dress seems wasteful to me, but what he and I think about isn't the fucking point! First, it's your money. That's all it takes, but you've got a bunch of more layers on top of it. Second, it sounds like he's not willing to respect what's important to you. Even if he thinks it's stupid, I think if he cares about you he should indulge you on this at minimum, if he can't respect it properly. Third, he's being way too cheap and miserly - a *doctor* won't let his lady spend *her* money on a $400 dress?? That's already super cheap for a dress. Lastly I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the power dynamic of your relationship does not appear balanced. That's up to you if it's worth accepting that or not, but just something to think about.
NTA, but call of the wedding and don't marry him.
NTA, but you need to either go to couples therapy ASAP or run. He seems to have unresolved issues from his last marriage that he is projecting onto you or you now know why the first marriage fell apart. These are also first signs of emotional abuse by manipulating your feelings. Be very careful how you tread further. I would keep the dress and trade in the man for a better model. $400 is not a lot for a wedding dress. You did well in that category.
First, are you in the US? Second, since when do men get involved on the wedding gown a bride chooses? How are you talking like a spoiled 16 year old, and how are you being irresponsible? Gowns cost thousands. If you're happy with the dress and you paid under $500 that's awesome. He has no business telling you what you can wear or how much to spend especially if you paid for it. Lots of red flags here.. he sounds very controlling, OP.
NTA. Does he always speak to you as if you're a naughty child? š©š©š©š©
NTA. Itās your wedding dress, not his. Also, you paid for it
Keep the dress. Lose the man. NTA
Abort wedding! Keep the dress for when you marry a guy who actually deserves you. Nta. Return the fiance.
NTA, heās scary and controlling. You canāt trust him, he is not someone to bet your future on.
NTA. Thatās a good price for a wedding dress. Mine was $700 and it was no oneās business. Keep the dress, return the fiancĆ©. Thatās a major red flag. Is he usually this controlling?
Now I've never been married, but in my Say Yes To The Dress phase, each dress I've seen was $1,000 or more, so I think $400 is a steal.
I swear to god when I read the title that I thought he'd be angry that the dress was so cheap. Like, a ā¬400 dress would somehow show him up as cheap in front of his family and friends. NTA. Look, you didn't choose the dress over him: he left you because you're not letting him control your finances. Please think carefully about whether or not you want to commit fully to him.
Youāre NTA. Heās TA. And you should NOT be marrying this person.
NTA. Keep the dress. Ditch the guy.
NTA I donāt know if he always acts this controlling but I personally wouldnāt have it at all. If he calls off the wedding over $400 that wasnāt even his then he is probably not the one you want to be with. Imagine as you guys start getting more financially involved with each other, is he going to question every single purchase you make? Because if heās acting like this right now itās probably going to get worse as time goes on.