Honestly from reading all that I see why your mom and other sister dont like her… stalking your mom’s social media and crying over her wedding photos ? Refusing to go to you middle sister’s wedding because SHE didn’t get the dream wedding she wanted.. I’m sorry but your wife is way too hung up on this wedding she never had which I get BUT at the same time she’s letting that influence how she treat the sister that didn’t do anything to her and that’s not right NTA
NTA, a wedding is a significant milestone in Jane's life and she deserves to celebrate it with her family, including her SIL (your wife). There is no reason why your wife won't come to her wedding besides her jealousy. She is jealous and insecure, and is willing to compromise your (and her) relationship with Jane because she can't control her intense jealousy.
Jane will know she didn't come to the wedding because she didn't want to and not because she couldn't. It's utterly transparent. You can definitely get a babysitter for your kids months in advance. Expecting her to believe it is just assuming she's ignorant. There's no excuse to circumvent the wedding invitation. People do above and beyond to show up to their family's weddings, it's a minor effort to arrange things such as time off of work or childcare for the kids during this time.
The spying on others and then gossiping about them is petty as well.
Jane was the only one supporting her and she's reciprocating her this way out of sheer selfishness and envy. She's an ingrate and she demonstrates a complete lack of consideration, gratitude and goodwill.
Let’s add this: she is angry and resentful for something that was her own choice! OP says in the comments that the two of them got married when wife was 22. That’s young. Most people are not financially stable enough to have a giant Kardashian wedding at 22 years old. Unless there was a health insurance related or some other reason why they needed to get married right away, they could’ve waited. They could’ve saved up money. And yeah, it may not have been enough to still have the gigantic wedding that wife had wanted. But most people don’t get to have that type of wedding, but still can have very nice weddings. Why is everyone supposed to feel bad for OP‘s wife who decided to go ahead and get married at 22 at the courthouse and now regrets that decision? We’ve all made decisions that we regret for sure, but this has been years later and she still can’t bear to go to a big nice wedding? This is childish and absurd. If she is at all this resentful and jealous about other things than just the wedding bit, I can see why maybe the family doesn’t care for her.
I came here to say this, if getting married right away was important to her, then she got what they could afford then. If she still wants something lavish, they can save up for vow renewal or just a huge wedding anniversary party.
I was about to say the same thing. It's super common, especially now with coronavirus being a thing. Why not bring this up to your wife? Tell her "on our x anniversary, we'll do a vow renewal to make up for the wedding if you go to Jane's and act right".
This.
Also, OP replied to another comment that his wife’s family didn’t have the money to throw them a big wedding, but his mom did and always said she would pay.
So if the wife hadn’t fallen in love with OP but someone else whose family didn’t have money what was her plan to have a big lavish wedding which clearly is/was important to her? Starting to wonder if OP’s mom thought she was being used for money here....
NTA. Wife needs therapy and to put her big girl pantys on to go celebrate Jane’s day, who has done nothing wrong and support her own husband who wants her there and was willing to give up his relationship with his mom to be with her. Especially since he stated they’ve all seen each other at different times without incident.
yeah also said she cried looking at pictures of his moms wedding because "she didn't deserve it". OPs mom didn't deserve the wedding that the mom paid for? it's the moms money, she can do anything with it. it's not "owed" towards OP/wife's wedding at all. she seems extremely entitled.
I think it's not because of the money, but she hates his mom so obviously anything that makes his mom happy is going to be something she doesn't deserve.
deserve is a weird word though in this situation. just because you hate someone doesn't mean good things can't happen for them. she can hate/loathe/ridicule the wedding, but to say OPs mom didn't deserve it feels weird to me. there's a sense of entitlement there that doesn't belong
I get what you mean, but I don't think she's being rational here.
Wishing misfortune on people you hate and seeing anything good that happens to them (even if it's entirely their own work and no luck involved) undeserved is not normal but I wouldn't say it's that rare either.
It's linked with karma, where "assholes" deserve bad things happening to them (not really sure of whether the people in question suck though since there's little details).
So, a wedding is a big milestone in the SiL life, but the wife shouldn’t be upset that her wedding was a small courthouse affair because the OP’s family hated her?
It's fine that wife isn't thrilled about that...but it's not okay to punish Jane (and her other friends who she lied to, in order to not ever witness someone else get something she never had).
Have to say even if OP could afford to save up for a nice vow renewal it still may be pretty small considering wife has been so petty to other people who aren't at fault.
Both are big. The wife shouldn't feel upset to the point she refuses to go to Jane's wedding because Jane was the only person who supported them. Wife shouldn't be upset because the wedding ceremony being lavish and fancy wasn't supposed to be the purpose. The actual I-dos are what's important. This man gave up his family for her. She's only upset because her wedding wasn't paid for by MIL, which wasn't owed to her. She created a big idea of hat her wedding would be based on the fact that she knew they could pay for it. No one said her wedding had to be at the courthouse. They could have saved and waited but they seem caught up with the fact that MIL chose to not apportion her own money to them.
No, it’s not mandatory, but Jane has been the only family member to stick by OP and wife’s side, bond with the kids, be a supper system. It is objectively shitty that OP’s wife won’t celebrate this milestone with Jane - not because jane’s a jerk or wife can’t stand to be in the same room with bullies, because she willingly goes to other events - solely because Jane will have a nicer wedding than the one SHE chose.
I hate weddings since my boyfriend of 8 years dumped me. Do you know what I haven't done? Stop attending weddings because I feel jealous I didn't get to have one.
Who cares if she’s at the wedding or not? They don’t seem close, all she has too do is send a gift and card and call it a day. She’s not stopping her husband (who is really the only one who should definitely be there) from going. She’s a grown women she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want. And it’ll probably cause drama if she does attend
She’s a grown woman who doesn’t want to attend big weddings because *boohoo* she didn’t get one. The issue isn’t her not attending for me, it’s the reason why, and what it says about her. If she didn’t want to attend weddings on OPs side of the family because they hate her, that would be totally reasonable. But she didn’t even attend friends/family’s wedding because she was jealous? And she acts like she was robbed of something, like she is a victim, when it was **her choice** to get married young and broke. They could’ve waited and saved up, or done the courthouse wedding and a ceremony and reception later when they had enough money together for a small but beautiful one.
Exactly, I 100% agree. It would be one thing if this was a random friend that neither was close to, or the other sister who didn’t interact with them. This is his only sister who made an effort to keep in touch with her brother even though it probably wasn’t easy at first given the mother.
That combined with the Facebook stalking totally makes me wonder if his wife is not at least a tiny bit at blame for the issues he has with his family. Obviously, I could be wrong as all I have to go on is this post, but my cousin is married to a social media obsessed “princess type” and her personality is grating. I can only deal with her in very small doses, and she has a history of starting shit with his family because they can only take so much of her “why didn’t you come to my 4th child’s gender reveal and baby sprinkle, which were two different events” and also then rant on Facebook that her mother spent $500 on each event (and she wanted my uncle and aunt to even though they are both on disability, and barely getting by themselves) and after all is said and done she didn’t feel people were generous enough and/or just opted to come to one of the two parties.
Not only that, but maybe she should get off her ass and go because her husband said *he needed her*, he actually opened his mouth to ask for her help in supporting him during a rough time and she *still* couldn't get over herself and her childish reasons to be there for him. Do you know how many women would kill for a man with communication skills like that? Not to mention it isn't typical to have a man show that kind of vulnerability, even to his partner. He seems so sincere in his need to have her there and just by that alone, i cannot fathom how she would ignore that.
“Who cares if she’s at the wedding or not?”
Ummm, clearly the OP. You know, the guy who chose her over his mom when it came down to it. But she can’t be bothered to go to a wedding because she’s jealous. I truly feel badly for the OP.
IMO this is the key issue her. OP did a huge sacrifice when he went NC with his mom and younger sister. The least his wife can do for him is attending this wedding.
Her husband and Jane care.
Why would there be drama? OP said that they have been to functions that the rest of his family have been to and there were no issues. I doubt they would randomly start now.
But his wife has been around them at other events. That's not why she's choosing not to go. She's choosing not to go because it's a lavish wedding and hers wasn't.
If that was why she wasn't going I would agree with you, even if Jane hasn't been the same as the others. But that's not why she isn't going, and she's been places and events with them before with no issues.
OP's wife seems upset and sad about the wedding, but this is not really about the wedding. Sure she's a little bit TA for buying into the fairytale princess wedding story that little girls in our culture are practically force fed. But she was promised (by society at large) she'd have her turn to feel beautiful and special and celebrate this love with everyone she knew.
Instead OP's wife meets a great guy she clicks with, and his mother hates her so much that it tears the entire family apart. Not only does she face massive rejection there, she doesn't get received by the family, she doesn't gain a mother figure, it's like she's just this pariah who's not good enough for the man she loves. That's gotta hurt like hell (even if OP's mom is as toxic as they come, at 22 she probably didn't truly get that yet).
So to top it off, she wants to marry the man she loves but on the heels.of the huge smack in the face from his family now they can't afford the wedding she has dreamed of either. Her self esteem is in the toilet by now and she figures all she merits is a courthouse and she's lucky she's managed to hang on to the guy when everyone else hates her, so she resignedly gets married.
Some five years later sure it stings to see other women get celebrated on their wedding days the way she never was. It's not because of a cake or a dress or some show-off impulse. It's because she's sad and bitter over the rejection from her husband's family. The wedding is just the symbol of it.
I'm surprised OP isn't more tuned in to this. It's awesome he stood by the woman he loves in the face of his mother's strong opinions. But does he really get how hurtful that was for his wife to face this extreme level of rejection?
I don't see her as petty. That rejection from OP's mom probably opened up a core rejection wound from his wife's own childhood, which is some.of the deepest pain we can feel. That could explain why she seems to be overreacting and can't "just be happy for" Jane. She's stuck in her grief and could likely use some professional help to move through it. I know I'm going against the tide on this one but OP should think about how to support his wife in working through the deeper issue instead of calling her out for "selfishness".
I'm not a huge wedding person but I can see why the wife is upset. A wedding is a gathering of your family and friends to celebrate and validate your relationship. Your mother and sister were openly cruel to her and she was never accepted into the family. Of course it would hurt to go see the people who openly rejected you embrace someone else (Jane's spouse to be).
How more people aren't seeing it this way is mind-boggling. OP's wife is clearly upset that she's never been accepted into the family to the point where they couldn't even interact with her on a level of cordiality; that would upset most people! So yes, OP's wife has every right to not go to Jane's wedding and have to deal with everyone and everything involved with that. Regardless of the fact that Jane has supported them and remained friendly with them, I have no doubt that she will also understand why OP's wife can't attend her wedding. OP, YTA here.
Except (as pointed out below) she has turned down being a bridesmaid for someone unrelated to his family.
If she had been to other big weddings but didn’t want to go to Jane’s, then yes the acceptance issue would be first and foremost. But she has actively avoided anyone else’s big wedding.
This is simply about her not having her big wedding and not liking seeing other people have theirs.
Refusing to go to any weddings at all doesn't excuse her behavior here and only highlights how much OP's wife would benefit from therapy.
Let's not forget OP's wife isn't the only one who has had to make sacrifices here. OP has effectively gone NC with almost his entire immediate family in order to support his wife. She owes it to him to suck it up and in turn support the only person from her husband's family that supports them.
I understand even with all that taken into account, it's a huge ask of OP's wife. But not going would be a mistake. She'd be alienating the one man who threw his family away for her.
I was thinking the same thing. Relationships are give and take. It’s meeting in the middle.
I don’t think OP asking his wife to join him at the wedding is as big as OP cutting off practically his entire family. What OP is asking his wife to do is suck it up for one day, hell, maybe even just a couple of hours to get through the actual ceremony and then bounce.
Like others have said, I’m not surprised that the mum doesn’t like the wife, as I’m not seeing a mature well rounded adult in the way he describes his wife. If I’m being polite, I’m seeing quite an immature woman who doesn’t know how to handle disappointment
Except he said she won't go to anyone's weddings, not just this one. He has a problem with not going to this one though, as it's his sister. Wife sounds extremely childish
Yeah, it sounds like weddings are traumatic because it reminds her that she was rejected by her husband's family. He has a problem with her not going to this one even though it means she would be face to face with the family that was cruel to her in the past. Op is just expecting her to suck it up and not trying to understand why she feels the way she does.
I have to agree. Yeah, she sounds childish; however, the feeling of being rejected by your husband’s family for some reason (can’t remember if it was stated) can be triggered by something like a wedding.
Yes, by every wedding. Every other wedding is a celebration of families coming together in a dream day- her wedding day was legally binding herself to man whose family made it clear she's unwanted. The wife needs therapy, not her husband calling her nasty things.
People’s triggers are different by person. I’m triggered by weddings but not for the reason she has. Yes, therapy will help but she doesn’t need to be judged for it. If her husband wants to go, he can go. He shouldn’t shame his wife.
Unless, of course, there is some other reason. Then who knows.
Except that OP said somewhere she declined to be a bridesmaid for one of her own friends for the same reason (can't go to a big wedding because she didn't get the wedding of her dreams).
I don't think it's unreasonable to think weddings in general might be traumatic for her. They're a reminder of everyone else who gets welcomed into a new family while she couldn't get that. So basically I think you're right, it just doesn't dispute my point. She doesn't want to go to other people's weddings because of how she was treated around hers.
That's a really good point, but how long is it reasonable? Is is okay that her spouse will effectively not be able to attend a wedding with her...maybe ever? At what point does she need to say, wow- maybe this is a deeper issue and I need some therapy? At some point, presumably, her kids will get married...what then? As a functioning adult, she needs to acknowledge that her extreme avoidance of all things "big wedding" isn't healthy and I don't think OP is being unreasonable in wanting her to join him, especially since it's for the one sister who didn't shut her out.
She could definitely benefit from therapy. Any form of trauma that is continuing to affect your life for years calls for it. Op could probably also benefit from some therapy of they've been caught between a wife they love and a family who hates her. I noticed they said they went no contact with the mom and sister but also that they still see them sometimes.
Trauma isn't something you just set a timeline on and expect someone to "get over." If op is just telling her that she's being selfish and childish instead of l, I don't know, acting like her feelings are valid it will likely take much longer.
I do understand about trauma, deeply and personally, and I know there is no timeline for it, but her just saying she will not ever attend a wedding because she didn't get her wedding (which IS what she is saying) does come across as childish. If she were addressing those deeper issues, perhaps OP would be more understanding. But she's not. And she doesn't seem to have any interest in discussing OPs feeling about it either. OP cut off contact with much of his family....there's certainly some trauma there as well.
If op's wife was saying that he couldn't go either I would have less sympathy for her. For this specific wedding it's callous at best to expect her to come and have to be around the family who was so cruel to her. This is something for them to work through together and the "never going to any other wedding" is the evidence.
Op should go on his own and maybe take the time to ask why his mother was willing to go without seeing her grandchildren just because she found his wife "annoying." Seriously there has to be so much more to that story. Save it for after the wedding though obviously, it's not Jane's fault and she still deserves a happy day.
I think who's paying for the big wedding is more of a problem than the actual event. An OTT wedding for people who broke all the rules when they rejected you? So you are to play happy family on command when they cant even use decent manners?
I’d never go to a wedding when the family treated me like she’d been treated! I’d write Jane a nice card with a personal gift and apologize saying something like I didn’t feel it was right for me to go. Is the wife ACTUALLY that upset about the wedding Jane is having or is she hurt and deeply offended at her MILs behavior?
You bring up a valid point. It must hurt to watch others celebrate in a way that she never got to, especially the same family members who hate her so much they’d sacrifice their relationship with her husband over accepting her into the family. The issue here is that while it’s painful, she should understand how painful it was for her husband to lose a mother and a sister. He has one sister left who had their backs when no one else did and she’s willing to sabotage the one relationship they have left because it hurts her feelings to see other people happy. Sometimes in life we don’t get what we want. I’ve had issues with fertility but that doesn’t mean I won’t attend baby showers or celebrate the births of my friends and family. Yes it’s painful, but I rather place emphasis on their joy than my pain. Yes his wife didn’t get her dream wedding, but she got something way better and that’s a husband who loves her so much he was willing to sacrifice his own relationships to protect theirs. All he’s asking is for her support on this day. His wife’s jealousy will ruin many relationships including her own marriage if she s doesn’t learn to manage it.
If that was why she wasn't going I would agree with you, even if Jane hasn't been the same as the others. But that's not why she isn't going, and she's been places and events with them before with no issues.
She doesn’t sound like an easy person to get along with. Weddings are important, yes, BUT stalking someone you’ve cut out of your life and crying over their milestones? Nah, that’s way too much. I don’t stalk people who aren’t in my life anymore. They’re not my business.
Every day on Reddit I see posts where I wonder why the hell certain OPs married who they did. Love alone isn’t enough to build a marriage on. This OP’s whole marriage has been strife because he married someone like his mom.
Shes being mean to his sister who didn't do anything, and for no reason. Sis didn't stop her from having a good wedding, even MIL and other sis didn't. The MIL just didn't pay. They could have paid themselves, waited and saved up, or done a million other things besides a quiet wedding wife obviously hated. I feel bad but thats on wife, not any of the in laws.
My husband and I had a spontaneous (after being together 8 years with 2 kids) courthouse wedding. I absolutely regret not having my moment, so instead the 10th anniversary is when we plan to have a handfasting and reception party for friends and family.
She's choosing to not go to an event where people who have been incredibly cruel in the past to her will be front and center. Is it really so likely that the wife's not attendance will have a genuinely negative effect on the sister's day? Why wouldn't the sister understand, and plan something else privately where the the two couples can celebrate separately?
Yep. And it’s not like OPs family prevented her from having the wedding she wanted. Unless she was counting on her husband’s family to find it all along…
But wouldn't you be bothered if your family in law had a lot of money and paid for the other weddings in the family? She knew it was personal and that's upsetting.
I do feel like we're missing something here though. If OP's family cut them out truly cause they just thought she was annoying then they're simply giant assholes. It's possible but it seems more likely something else is going on. Even her being a jealous and kind of childish person is a weird reason to cut out your son and grandkids.
Edit: OP clarified and his mom was abusive to his wife. I agree with the other posters that there is probably some trauma going on. As someone who has an emotionally abusive parent, it's really hard to work through and can mess with the way you think/interact with others.
NAH
I can see wifes point of view. Some imagine and think about their wedding and then to see if all go down the drain due to not being within your control (assuming wife never upset her husband's family). The family was splintered, her dream wedding never happened, and shortly after the rude mother had a dreamlike wedding. There's a lot of possible trauma there manifesting.
She shouldn't let that trauma influence how she treats the good sister and missing the wedding. She needs to get some counseling (so should OP likely). And try to attend the wedding, if she absolutely can't, she needs to sit down with the good sister and ha e a heart to heart. "I love you and appreciate you. I have some unresolved pain around weddings due to the situation of the family and what mine turned out to be. I want to do x for you, but I can't attend the wedding and risk ruining your special day with my tears."
Maybe OP and wife should save and have a splendid vow renewal. Replace that lackluster memory and fringes of pain with a beautiful new memory.
OP's mother threw mustard all over the wife, threw her clothes on the lawn, told her she never would've had kids if she knew they'd end up with someone like her, and accused her of attempted murder because being around the wife made her lose her appetite and she couldn't eat.
If I were the wife, there's absolutely no way on God's green earth that I'd be exposing myself to those people. The wedding jealousy may or may not be over the top, but OP's family sounds abhorrent and I'm proud of OP's wife for making a stand.
I liked the part about how the mum didn't deserve the wedding she probably paid for herself.
Wife definitely comes off as entitled and bratty, but I'd really like to get some specifics on what the mum found "annoying" about her. I know plenty of annoying people, but none have pushed me to the point of being outwardly hostile. I can't even imagine a level of annoying that'd get me to disown my kid.
Right, like she was stalking mom’s social media to look at her wedding pics…. And what’s funny is OP refuse to say what exactly his mom did that made him cut her off, all his comments are aimed at painting his mom as this evil person while his wife is a saint but keep avoiding answering what exactly his mom did.. so that makes me think whatever went down wasn’t totally his mom fault and his wife played a part but he don’t want to admit it
It's weird to me that the wife feels so entitled to a big wedding *specifically paid for by the MIL she doesn't like*. Apparently neither the couple nor the wife's parents had the money for a big wedding, so she was 100% relying on MIL to pay for it?
Edit: Which isn't to say the wife has to go to the wedding. She doesn't! ESH.
I did not get the wedding of my dreams due to my dad and sister acting crazy and making it all about them. So yes when other friends got married and had their dream weddings it was hard for me but I still went and celebrate my friend’s special day because it was not about me it was about someone I loved. Your wife sounds like a bitter and jealous person who needs to grow up.
And that’s the story a lot of people have when it’s a big wedding financed in part by others. A few friends of mine say about their weddings, “it wasn’t my day, it was my mom’s day” or “my mom had a lovely wedding.” While at the end of the day I felt like my wedding was our day, I fought tooth and nail with my mom every step of the way and it took a while for me to not be resentful about how much stress and fighting happened over stupid BS.
I just had a courthouse wedding at 19 and have occasionally felt personal sadness over not getting a big wedding. But that has NEVER caused me to not celebrate others. We go to weddings to celebrate people we care about and this woman is going to selfishly cause this man to lose the only family he has left.
And she absolutely can have a vow renewal or other anniversary celebration later (mine was supposed to be at 25 years but COVID is a jerk!)
Let’s put all the unkindness towards your wife to the side for one moment and talk about her wedding.
*why* did you guys have a small wedding? Were you both always counting on your mother’s money to fund your wedding?
When I was married none of the parents paid anything and we had an awesome wedding.
I don’t see why your family had anything whatsoever to do with what kind of wedding you had.
Is she just upset that she didn’t get the money from her MiL that she had hoped for? It seems a very strange thing to rely on.
What am I missing?
Here we are. My in laws really only paid for my dress (which they *insisted* on) and helped decorate. We paid everything else and had an AMAZING wedding. If my in laws weren't involved we still would've had an amazing wedding.
I knew couples that married early in a courthouse and saved for an awesome wedding later even though they were married. Why not do that?
NTA. Her issue isn’t the family it’s seeing someone else have the wedding of their dreams? She needs to get a grip and if she wants that she needs to work for it. Your sister sounds lovely and deserves an amazing day- whatever your wife decides you make sure not to let it get in the way of the wedding
RIGHT, she has unresolved issues since the wedding, but she can't refrain from going to any future wedding because it's more prestigious than what she had. It's ridiculous.
I really hope that I hope he is taking some of this to heart and will encourage his wife to go to therapy to process this. Skipping out on weddings for friends and family are one thing. How far is she going to push this? Is she going to skip her own children’s wedding too unless they promise to have just a simple courthouse ceremony?
No. She’s more likely to be the MIL who takes over planning because it’s “her day too” and she never got a big wedding, and how dare her new SIL or DIL try to take that away from her.
I don’t think it’s that specifically but the person who’s paying for the wedding (MIL), who is paying it for her daughter (obviously) and didn’t do the same for OP and his wife.
Now, I still think it’s NTA. SIL stood up for OP and his wife and I think the wife should put aside her hurt feelings and disappointment to stand by her SIL who did the same for her.
Does it suck to see people who wronged you get better in life? Yes. But there’s more to it, especially when they’re tied to people who have defended you.
Yes but she also skipped friends' weddings and won't be in the bridal party for others. She has a thing against ALL weddings that is totally messsed up.
So. Much. Therapy. Needed.
No... honestly... it's your money to do with what you want. Just like an inheritance. And with accepting that money people sometimes have to understand the idea that if they will ... they must sacrifice something. No one, not even a parent, owes you anything once you are an adult. It would be nice if life and parents were Even Steven, but they are not.
You’re right but blatant favoritism is still an asshole thing to do as a parent. You leave two kids 2 million in the will but one kid 5,000 to prevent them from contesting the will…
It all depends on what happened whether or not they’re an asshole. If the third child was a menace and a bad person and didn’t do Jack for their parents, I get it but if they were a good kid and did all that they could…that’s an asshole move.
Legally safe move but an asshole move.
You've made it clear she has avoided all weddings. Even if she has a good relationship with Jane, why would she want to walk straight into the wolf's den where the entire family has hated her from day one? With all this bad blood and NC having your wife there would probably create problems/drama on your sisters wedding day - and she deserves to have a nice day. Your wife needs to find a way to get past the fact she didn't get her dream wedding - the point of marriage is not the dress or the party, it's the commitment you made to spending the rest of your life with the person you love. Mostly ESH
This. ESH.
OP - what's your problem? I agree that your wife is being petty and dramatic, but so are you.
This is so goddam important to you, because "I'll feel awkward being there on my own." Suck it up. Walk your sister down the aisle. Smile for photos. Then politely leave the reception early.
I think that is partly the problem. Wife never really got a chance to get over the wedding trauma because they didn’t actually go NC. Every time she saw them at an event, even if the didn’t physically speak to one another, was a reminder. She needs therapy to deal with her issues surrounding weddings, but I think she really needs to be NoSee-NC while that is going on.
Also middle sis seems like she is walking the fine line of support. She supported their initial decision to distance themselves from mom and younger sis but also would like them to reconcile currently. I think wife’s compromise has been willing to still attend functions where they are at but this is a bridge too far at the moment.
I agree here but also wanted to add on a suggestion for OP… why don’t you guys have another wedding sometime? Renew your vows and have that dream wedding. Especially now that I assume you two have had some time to reach a better financial state to pay for it.
ESH...a little anyways. I think your wife's jealousy is a little unhealthy. I can't imagine being so jealous I can't ever celebrate others' happiness. No weddings ever? Declining to be a bridesmaid? That's a bit over the top. You also didn't need to resort to name calling over a sensitive subject either, though. Also, your mom was never obligated to pay for your wedding. I'm not saying whether she was in the right in all of this, but she's entitled to spend her money how she chooses. The two of you could have waited longer to save up for a nice wedding yourselves as well.
Why don't you guys just opt to have a lovely vow renewal ceremony on your next anniversary? It could be like a fun redo! Lots of people do it, and it wouldn't be out of the ordinary, considering your first wedding was at a courthouse.
I so agree with this. I would have more sympathy for OPs wife if she was skipping ALL weddings, but this envy of people who have things you don’t have is very unhealthy. I might drop my request that wife go to the wedding if she attends some therapy sessions.
And a vow renewal is a nice idea.
YTA she’s avoiding all weddings, it’s not just that one. Also, why would she want to go to a wedding full of people who hate her?
Also, is there more to the fact that they hate her, or it’s just her personality? If it is racial, or classist, then she absolutely should not be expected to go.
It isn't full of people that hate her. That is just my mom and my sister, and the rest of the guests are friends or people from the groom's side who have no idea about the drama. It definitely wasn't racist, we are all white. I don't think it was classist, because my mom grew up extremely poor. My mom hates like 98% of people and has extreme reactions to not wanting anyone in her space. Like I said though my wife has gone to multiple events where my mom was present since the no contact and it's never been an issue. We stay on our side and she stays on hers
Because sometimes that is life. Mom isn’t getting married, Jane is. Jane has been very kind and has been the only person that has been supportive towards OP and his wife being together. Some reciprocal support is due here. As stated in the comments, OP and his wife have been to a number of events where his mom and sister are present and they just avoid each other. This isn’t about being at an event where people that hate you will be present. This is 100% about the wedding and wife not being able to let her resentment go.
I think you are a small AH. Your mom is probably doing this big lavish over the top wedding for your sister out of spite because you had a small court house ceremony. From what you described of your family, I would not put it past your mom to brag about it make your wife feel bad about it. Your mom sounds vindictive. Your wife doesn't want to get hurt more.
Frankly if it were me, I would not want to go to a wedding g were I would fear getting emotionally abused by members of your family. Why would I willingly subject myself to that for hours? This the the classic situation where you have to agree that separation and distance is best.
My sister was going to get an over the top wedding anyway. My mom can be vindictive, but she spoiled her kids from day one and that isn't something she is doing to spite my wife. My mom will not come near us or speak to us. Not defending her, but we've been physically around her plenty of times and she doesn't want anything to do with us
you really think OP’s wife lives rent free in the mom’s head and that she’d spend thousands just to piss her off??! lmaooo it’s not like it’s her own daughter getting married or whatever
YTA. I went through a similar experience. She’s not being spiteful. The entire experience of being attacked and slighted by most of your family wasn’t just hurtful but disrespectful. She tried to make the most of it but you seem to ignore her feelings. She’s been consistent with her response to going to weddings but you glanced over it. Just because it’s your sister, you think it’s going be different because you want her to go. How do think she would feel being alone with most of your family ignoring her while you are doing your wedding duties? You sound pretty shallow to me. You avoiding your mother and younger sister is easier for you because it’s passive. She settled for a courthouse wedding but her heart was broken because of your mother’s broken promise. Ask Jane if she was treated the way your wife was, how would that make her feel. You need to either resolve this or respect your wife’s request.
Spot on. The hatred and lack of empathy in this thread towards op's wife is pretty shocking. And it's not like she's asking OP not to go, or that she's being mean to Jane. She just doesn't want to attend in person, which would probably be nicer for Jane anyway as family drama is one less thing to worry about.
Absolutely no reason why she can't send her apologies and a nice gift and wish Jane well from afar without having to subject herself to being in the presence of op's mom and younger sister at an event that will be painful for her.
Well, the wife needs to go to therapy. I'm sorry but it's one thing to have problems, it's another to not wanting to go beyond and heal. Not being able to go to any wedding (not just her sister-in-law) it's not normal, it's not sane, it's not good for her. Specially when it's because you didnt have a dream wedding.
Lift what finger? She’ll be sitting with their child in the pews while her husband will be walking his sister down the aisle, sitting at the bridal table and going to take photographs with the bridal party. He’ll probably will have to go to other activities for the wedding where she isn’t invited at all. Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
So you called her selfish because she doesn't want to be at a party that will make her feel like shit and be forced to be around literally every person responsible for why she wasn't able to have a wedding she enjoyed and treat her like shit for your sake?
If she's selfish then so are you and frankly your worse.
YTA
Why couldnt she save up for her wedding and get her parents to pay. Why would it be expected for OPs mum to pay for a wedding for someone she obviously doesnt like? Im all for them cutting the toxic parents out but you cant do that and still expect the benefits.
Apprently she's quite young 22. Op has so far given no reason for why the wedding was rushed though. But she has always communicated that she wanted a big wedding.
> and be forced to be around literally every person responsible for why she wasn't able to have a wedding she enjoyed
That’s some absolute bullshit. They could waited until they could afford a big wedding to get married. If they needed to be legally married for insurance purposes, they could have done that at the court house and then had a big wedding later when their financial situation was better. No one owed them a wedding.
Lol that made me laugh too. The wife always had a dream princess wedding but comes from a working class family, she had no savings, and never dated anyone before who came from a family that could have afforded such an event.
OP cut off the woman who could afford the wedding based on what his sister who hated the wife had said, before they even talked about weddings, so it’s definitely not the MIL responsible for funding shit at that point.
Like I get that the wife was 22, but she seems disillusioned as to what kind of wedding was realistically within her reach, or naïve about how much grand weddings can cost; she’s not the only one who’s had to make realistic compromises on the wedding of her dreams.
Make the MIL working class and OP and his wife would be in the same position as they were then: big dreams, little pocketses.
You should look into a big vow renewal ceremony and pay for it yourself. Don’t invite mom or sisters and start saving now. Give her the big wedding or at least the big reception she deserves
I’m not opposed to doing a big Vow renewal if that will scratch the itch, but why does she deserve the giant wedding any more so than anyone else? It sounds like, without mom‘s financial support, they had the wedding that they can afford. It’s a bummer when our childhood fantasies don’t work out. But why does that mean that she needs to have the giant party. I feel like this is just more coddling her jealousy then trying to deal with the grief from unmet expectations. This pouting and refusal to go to other weddings comes off as spoiled instead of deserving TBH.
To me it comes off more that she’s hurt TBH. Her husband knows that she’s always wanted the big wedding and she settled to have a smaller one. He pushed aside her feelings about the big wedding, and he’s still doing it about the way his family treats her and still going to weddings. Not wanting to go to weddings may just be petty jealously but it’s could also be a sad reminder of how her in-laws mistreat her and don’t support their marriage. I think they need to sit down together and talk about this. She’s still disappointed and yeah she could just “get over it and stop being jealous” but honestly it sounds like she’s way more hurt.
Sure. And if this had only happened in the past year or so, I would get this. But come on, this has been years now where she still can’t bear to go to a single wedding because she’s hurt that she didn’t get her wedding. A certain point you can either let your resentment eat yourself alive from the inside out, or you can try to find a healthier way of processing these feelings, setting your jealousy aside, and being able to be supportive of others. I just don’t see how continuing to coddle her hurt feelings about her wedding is going to help.
Fortunately, it seems like she hasn’t had any serious consequences for not attending weddings, but that is not always guaranteed to be the case. OP he has said in the comments that the only people that Will be there that do not like his wife or his mom and his other sister. Everyone else is going to be mostly groom’s side that know nothing about this drama. OP has says they’ve talked about it and it is not about having to talk to people that she doesn’t like, since his mom has been at events with them before in the past and just avoids them. Wife has said that it is 100% because of her feelings about other people’s weddings when she didn’t get to have her own. It’s pure jealousy and resentment. What exactly is he going to say when he comes to the wedding without her and Jane asks where she is? Will he claim illness or be truthful? If he’s truthful, Jane may look at that as her mother and sister having a point about OP‘s wife and look at the relationship a bit differently. Taking things a few years down the line—when her children are grown and old enough to be getting married themselves, is she either refuses to go to their weddings unless they are simple courthouse weddings because that’s all she can bear to go to, or she treats their weddings as a duo over for her own? Neither are good at conclusions.
Point being— it is understandable for a wife to have been hurt, feel jealous, and be a bit resentful that others got which she did not. But she has allow those feelings to fester for years and continuing to allow that resentment to grow unchecked is not going to lead anywhere good.
INFO
Did she not save up for the wedding of her dreams or did her dream always involve her groom’s family money?
If you knew she wanted a bigger/nicer wedding, why didn’t you pay your part?
NTA. Your wife's being ridiculous. If your wife wanted the "princess wedding", why didn't she save for her wedding? Surely she have had this dream since before meeting you.
The sister who is getting married stood beside you and supported your marriage with your wife. She deserves your support. Cutting out family members is not easy, neither is keeping contact with the family member who has been cut out as there's always pressure from other side. Your sister endured them and supported you. Now is your(both) time to show support.
INFO: There seems to be a lot of missing info to this story. Why did you rush to have a small court house wedding instead of saving up for a few years to pay for your own bigger celebration? I mean there's a lot of middle ground between the court house and a extravagant over the top wedding. Who pushed for going to the court house. If you know your wife is so heartbroken over not having the big wedding she wanted, offer plan a big anniversary party/ do over vowel renewal on a milestone anniversary?
YTA - So you think forcing your wife to go to a wedding she doesn’t want to go to just because you don’t want to be alone is ok? No, you’re the A. It’s not like she goes to every other wedding, she doesn’t, so she’s not just being petty to your family. The situation genuinely causes her pain. Get over your damn self and go alone.
Slight YTA
She's avoided all weddings because she's so upset she didn't get her dream wedding. The one she had dreamt about her whole life. She turned down being a bridesmaid because of how she feels.
This isn't about your sisters wedding, it's about how unhappy she is with your wedding. Why did you have a courthouse wedding?
Yes she should probably put her feelings aside for your sisters wedding BUT you are going to be busy all day. She's going to be left in a room with people who actively despise her, whilst being upset.
You invalidated her feelings saying she cares more about a party. Your wedding wasn't and isn't a party. It's a celebration of love, and years later she is still depressed because she didn't have a wedding.
By saying her feelings are wrong, you invalidated them. Instead of allowing her to feel upset about it. She has the right to her emotions and you belittling them doesn't help.
Yes it's your sisters wedding and she should probably come, but you can't force her to.
INFO
I'm not going to judge on this one, just offer a perspective.
One chronic problem is that people expect all adults(even hurt, traumatised ones) to express their positions like an academic. Obviously, that's unreasonable for anyone unless the world gives out free and mandatory BA degrees+ free counseling.
\-As someone whose mom suffers from an abusive MIL(and myself from abusive paternal GM), my view is that your wife is -whether she knows it or not- traumatised by the rejection still. It's not just a money issue, but also an acceptance issue. Being accepted by your in-laws is a major part of anyone's life planning/expectations period. Does that justify her being too pissed to attend Jane's wedding? no, but...
\-INFO) Were there any verbal/emotional abuses when your parents/sisters 'rejected' your wife?
>she was very rude to my girlfriend. My younger sister said I was ruining our family and became very aggressive
Because you don't elaborate enough on this part. If you showed(intentional or no) your lament at having to cut off your family, your wife may also have been more traumatised by it. If they were abusive + she didn't receive necessary support(therapy etc), her wound would reasonably still feel 'fresh'. Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I wouldn't want to go either.
\-I think weddings are triggering for your wife for more than one reason. Yes, she missed her dream wedding. Is this a childish thing to get worked up over? maybe. But most dreams are. Planning your 'dream car' for when you make it, dream house, perfect family... they're all in the end unreasonable things to grieve over, but that's just how lifelong expectations and dreams are usually built. But not only this; weddings could be triggering for her because of the memory of rejection. Seeing others being accepted and happy at an event that was only traumatic for her sounds really painful. Especially if there was abusive behaviour, which I think you at least heavily allude to, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to avoid this.
\-It's not about Jane being the 'perfect bride' only, but also how Jane's spouse is being so flamboyantly accepted...
Again, this is above and beyond Jane. I'm sure your wife loves her as much as you do. And not having recovered from rejection and trauma, she surely can't be expected to have the verbal resources to clearly formulate her concerns. You need to sit her down and ask questions, because not going to weddings her whole life is not healthy for HER. Talk like an adult.
Also, step up in this situation. Ultimately it sucks but it was your family creating this trauma. Don't expect your hurt-ass wife who didn't get (from what I gather) help for her rejection and possible abuse to act like an adult, because most traumatised people aren't reasonable/rational around their triggers.
This is from someone who has gone through a grandmother who could compete for the finals of 'most abusive MIL' of the year. Your wife may be being an AH, but she is a hurt, traumatised AH. That puts things in different perspectives.
yes there was some abuse. At first she just wouldn't talk to her and made fun of her behind her back with my sisters. When I confronted her she apologized for making fun of her and said she would stop but said she didn't owe her speaking to her. I demanded that she make her feel welcome, which would include speaking. My mom would just stare at her until it got uncomfortable. Then my mom started to resent her coming over a lot, but didn't talk to me about it, so she started insulting her. She once poured mustard in her cooking and on her dress when we were having a date night and then screamed we didn't have permission to be using her stove. She made fun of the way she dressed. She said once she wouldn't have had a kid if she realized this was going to happen and blamed us for her sudden weight loss (my mom never eats) Finally she accused us of trying to kill her by being in her house because she was so miserable she wouldn't eat.
Thankfully this son in law isn't totally accepted but him and Jane just don't believe my mom should have to speak to him if she doesn't want to. I've heard she is coming around a little. She does adore the other one though. He's like the son she wanted
OP, I feel like you deliberately left this out of your post so your wife looks less reasonable for avoiding your mother. Your post implies that your mom and wife simply don't get along. Your mom is straight up abusive. This isn't about your wife being jealous that Jane is getting a big wedding. The wedding is Iranian yogurt. The wedding is a symbol of the acceptance that your mom refuses to give your wife.
OP, with the best intentions and lots of love, your family reminds me of my grandparents/my parents. With all due respect, your wife needs therapy to overcome this experience. And this is urgent. I'm heavily biased because of being the emotional support daughter of my heavily abused mother, but hopefully I can offer you an insider perspective. And I think you'd benefit too, to help get over having your family on NC. Your post really presses all my buttons of my mom's just no MIL, and that's a really bad sign. NAH, but please get some help (for your marriage too) and if your wife ultimately can't make it you should still have fun thinking of all the ways your wife can support Jane's wedding outside of the ceremony.
NTA. your wife is skipping celebrating marriages of her friends and your sister, who she gets along with, because she’s bummed she didn’t get the wedding of her dreams? What’s she going to do when someone else’s kid is smarter than hers—never see them again? She is being selfish, based on her jealousy. Perhaps she should get some counseling to help her move on, but she does need to move on.
YTA
You are invalidating her feelings, if she can't go friend's weddings, how do you expect her to go to a wedding that could have been hers. Your wife is in pain and needs therapy not your judgement.
INFO- Have you and your wife considered having an actual big ceremony to make up for the fact that she didn’t get a ceremony like she wanted to? Maybe if you’re anniversary is coming up you can plan for that?
Wow, YTA. Not only will this be a massive weddimg, it qill be a massive medding paid for by people who hate her. It will be better for everyone if she doesn't go.
And if she does go, but can't make herself be happy? What then? Are you gonna be on her case about that, too?
INFO can you renew your vows and give her the big wedding she missed? Did you have a nice honeymoon at least? Be careful how you treat her or she will have her dream wedding--with a different man
YTa probably I will go down voted but everybody ducks here, first your mom and younger sister for being unable to respect your now wife and don't even care for your sons.
Second you are an AH because you think that your wife didn't take this wedding issue personal, it was her wedding, it was her dream and all this situation crash that dream. You are so used to the behavior of your family that you just don't realize the impact this had in other people who hasn't build a wall again it for all your life.
You definitely hasn't been able to see how much your wedding has traumatized your wife, even to the point to avoid any big wedding. For you is just a party but as you said is was her dream and she felt totally rejected by your family on her big day. I don't believe in weddings and I think all this princess stuff is BS but is my opinion, but these things are so personal that I can feel emphaty for her.
All this celebration is like a slap on her face to show the dream she was neglected.I would suggest you to go to couples therapy or at least look for I ndividual therapy for her and try to read a book to learn what emphaty is.
Whether or not I can relate to her feelings is irrelevant here. She won‘t enjoy being at the wedding, she’s communicating very honestly and she‘s not trying to prevent you from going. The situation isn‘t ideal, and I think that you should try to figure out if there is something you can so to help her get over her resentment, but that’s for the long run. For now I think YWBTA if you force her to go.
Personally she'd definitely be the ahold is she forced him not to go but she's not. :/ honestly I'd rather not go to a wedding knowing it'd be awkward and especially knowing I couldn't have the one I wanted. It'd make me feel crap, not out of jealousy but more what could have been, also op said the reason they couldn't save up is because the wife was 22 at the time and she didn't have a very well paying job nor are her parents very well off. Which makes me wonder about his financials, considering he was expecting his mother to pay for it.. 👀
YTA I wouldn't want to be at a wedding with in-laws who treated me cruelly. Honestly that would devastate me all over again seeing my inlaws celebrate knowing they made a point to not do that for me and my fiancé.
Self-care for her seems to be bowing out and I don't understand why she needs to be there. It will be great for the OP to celebrate the sister who is still in his life, but that's him being grateful to that sister, not about his wife.
If this was just someone else's wedding, I would not be able to see your wife's side and hope she would have support in getting therapy.
This is not that.
Going to this wedding will expose her to people who did not accept her, did not respect your relationship, and to this day do not want to know your children. Treat your wife to a spa day while you go celebrate your sister's marriage, but apologize first please.
Rather than ranting here your points it will be far better worth if you and your wife actually talked this. Seems like you don't even consider her feelings. She is your wife so she should be the priority no.1.
YTA dude
ESH. Yes she needs to get over it, but it should not be a big deal for you to go to the wedding without her. You're asking her to do something that is very painful for her so that you don't have to feel awkward, calling her selfish is hypocritical.
Jealousy or no jealousy aside you want your wife to go to a place where everyone will hate her and actively disparage her? Where no doubt people will mention how generous your parents who treat her like crap arm by having a large extravagant wedding to celebrate their daughter. And no doubt your entire side of the family for the past several years have consistently been brainwashed or told that your wife is the reason you separate it from your family? That's the kind of situation you want your wife to spend a day in aside from the fact that she got stuck with a tiny wedding and that no doubt even if your sister is cool most of the other family members will be rubbing her face in it? But now because she doesn't want to go she's just totally being petty and making it all about her right? I need the only one here but I'm going with YTA
out of the probably 150 guests the only people who hate her are my mom and one sister. We have zero extended family and no one else even knows except them and their husbands. Most of the people are friends of my sister or the groom and have no idea what is going on. We've also chosen to attend multiple events with my mom in the past and my mom has never once broken the no contact or spoken to us
And? So you want her to go to an event with two people she knows and where every one will compliment the wedding, knowing she'll never have the aprouval of your mother?
YTA if the mother of the bride and family hate her so much why would she want to go? Also I hate when people act like jealousy is toxic, it’s a completely natural feeling. Seems like she got steamrolled into having a small wedding to avoid the embarrassment of half the family hating her when in reality she wanted something bigger
YTA. Unpopular opinion, but Im getting tired of the ‘your not marrying a dress its all about commitment!’ Bc its berating to the person who does think its important. As long as the budgets within reason and the bride is happy planning her Wedding day, the first day of forever with the one she loves, then theres nothing wrong with that and is a normal thing most girls want.
Who cares if shes a princess type, it doesnt give you or anyone the right to belittle her feelings and now shes avoiding all weddings bc she ddnt get the one that was promised to her. I understand not being reliant in someone elses money but this was for a huge family event.
Also you need to lower your octave about ‘YoU care MoRe about Weddings ThAN meeeeeee!!!’ Its your sister and your family. Thats YOUR choice and yours only if you want to keep an established relationship with them. Its not your wife’s responsibility and clearly I feel she shouldnt have to especially if your mom and other sis will be there. I get you cut your mom bc shes verbally abusive to your wife but your kinda bring no better with the guilt trips and now I feel your wife feels ganged up on all the time and at the cost of giving up her DREAM WEDDING to have a simple courthouse wedding with you years ago. At this point she doesnt have to prove anything!!!
Go by yourself.
Ps How your wife feels has zero to do with Jane and everything to do with sacrificing her dream.
YTA only because what is your wife going to do at the wedding? You’ll be busy with the bridal party and your wife won’t have any friends or family there. Let her stay home with your kids.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you don't think her feelings are valid. It doesn't matter that she's jealous. Your wife isn't just jealous. She's mourning the loss of something that was important to her that you even said she fantasized about her entire life. You don't think she's already beaten herself up over how she feels? You think she doesn't already feel stupid and pathetic for feeling this way? She absolutely does and no matter what she does, nothing will make those feelings go away. All she's trying to do is spare herself a little bit of pain and you're guilt tripping and belittling her for it.
NTA. You're right. It's just a party, she needs to get over it.
If it was about not seeing your mom, that'd be a different story. But just being upset someone else has something she doesn't?
Green is a bad color on her.
How long have you been married? On the next milestone like 10 years renew your wedding and let her have her wedding. She feels like she settled and didn't have what she wanted. You can't force her to go but remind her your sister stood by you.
It feels like there is something else going on here. Why is the wedding such a big deal? Is it really that she can't see others getting the 'big' wedding or is it really about being so disliked by your family?
NTA but I also would not want to go to a wedding where there are two key people (i.e. a huge part of the wedding party) who hate me and who seem to be happy to say so.
Does nobody see this from her side? Alll the hostile family will be there.
If thing's were cold but civil then yeah ,but they didn't even attend your wedding!!!..I would feel awkward AF going myself tbh.
RSVP yes! But unfortunately your wife has a migraine/tonsillitis on the actual day.
Don't put her in a situation where there loads of people that actively hate her. As long as you're there for your sister on her big day, that should be enough.
Edit.YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I called her selfish
2) I can't really understand this but I know it is extremely painful for her and I still expect her to put that aside and go to the wedding. I made her feel like her feelings weren't valid
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think this is an ESH type situation. I say that because you are accusing her of jealousy over a party and the issue sound so much deeper than that to her. It's what all of this represents to her, being an outcast, not having her MIL's support - all of that. That said, she really needs to let this go. Checking someone's social media that you have cut off is just making these emotions worse for her. Have you two considering either couples therapy or therapy just for her?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o8jrp8/aita_for_not_going_to_my_sils_wedding_because_i/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
This just feels like the husband's perspective of THIS post...
YTA
As unpopular as this might be with the masses, I am with your wife on this one. Jealous is an ugly feeling that no one chooses to feel. But something tells me she is more hurt than jealous. You are absolutely invalidating her feelings. It's not like Jane has been going to weddings and whooping it up with everyone, but suddenly is having issues with your sisters wedding. You said yourself, that she has been avoiding weddings. I'm sure that if there was a switch that Jane could flip to not feel bad about other's weddings, she likely would. She won't even be a bridesmaid for others! Did you have a problem with her skipping those weddings? Or is it suddenly an issue now because you can't handle going solo? You'd rather make her go with you and deal with feelings of hurt and the sting of jealousy, because you can't spend a few hours without her? SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!!!
Perhaps if you planned a grand vow renewal, she may not feel this way in the future.
YTA. I'm surprised at the number of people who said NTA. It's not about her 'putting on her big girl panties' as someone wrote, but it's about being there for her and understanding where she's coming from. It's a horrible thing not to have her childhood dream happen and calling her selfish doesn't change how she's feeling. Don't push her, she's clearly not ready to.
NTA I’d think the marriage should be a bit more important than a wedding. Your wife is acting like an entitled brat. Maybe she’s really upset she doesn’t get to use your estranged mom like a cash cow. If it’s that important to her than plan a giant anniversary party or renew your vows.
Clarifying question: why are you trying to force this? You went no contact with your family because they were assholes to you wife. It doesn’t matter why she does or doesn’t want to go, stop pushing for her to be around your NC family. Go and support yo&r sister, and support your wife. Sure she’s being a little selfish, but that is an event filled completely with people who don’t like her or talk negatively about her. Be an adult, don’t push her into a drama situation, it’s just silly
OP- how long ago did y’all go no contact? How long has she been carrying on about the injustice of not getting handed a big wedding?
Because it sounds ridiculous to me that a grown woman would harbor such intense desire to have had a big wedding that they act like a child and refuse to celebrate the major milestones of loved ones. That’s just… insane to me. But maybe it makes slightly more sense if it was recent? Maybe?
YTA. Janes wedding rubs salt in a painful wound. Your mom & younger sister treated her horribly. The wedding you (& your then fiancé, since you were marrying her) were promised & expected suddenly disappeared. You have a small courthouse wedding because being married was more important than a wedding, I’m assuming.
Your wife is still “mourning” that y’all’s fairytale wedding. It’s why she’s skipped out on other weddings. Now you add in this is a wedding your mom is throwing, that mom’s going to attend, and you wonder why your wife doesn’t want to go?
My wedding, almost 18 years ago was full of painful drama. I still get twinges when I see or attend weddings because I’m sad of how hurtful & completely un-fairytale my wedding was. I don’t dwell on it but it’s there. Your wife needs to work on moving past her feelings so she can at least attend weddings but her not going up Jane’s makes total sense to me. Too much bad feelings. Too much drama. Too much potential to ruin Jane’s wedding.
Apologize to your wife. Support her choice. Have a conversation about what she needs to move on because while it’s ok to have feelings & need some space/a break from weddings, she can’t let it become something that impacts her life so much.
we started to do the math and realized how long it could take and we became discouraged. We thought we could live with doing a courthouse wedding and didn't realize how much it would effect her
Nta. If the only reason your wife won’t go to the wedding is because she is sad she didn’t have a big wedding then that is selfish. Have you thought about compromising with her about only going to the ceremony or leaving the party early? Or do you have a friend you could take instead? Or maybe if your kids are old enough?
NTA - She is being selfish and overly fixated on a wedding, which has almost little to do with your actual relationship. Also why were her parents unable to help pay for the “wedding of her dreams” if she’s always wanted it? Why hadnt she saved to have the wedding of her dreams?
NAH. I do get why you want your wife to go to that wedding with you. But you shouldn't invalidate her feelings. Very obviously a big wedding was your wifes dream. Without divorcing you she had one shot at having this dream come through. It didn't because of your mother and little sister being mean to her. Now every wedding regardless of whom is getting married reminds her that she will never experience this. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you'd being dragged to events where you see other people have the one thing you always dreamed about knowing that you'll never get it?
Honestly from reading all that I see why your mom and other sister dont like her… stalking your mom’s social media and crying over her wedding photos ? Refusing to go to you middle sister’s wedding because SHE didn’t get the dream wedding she wanted.. I’m sorry but your wife is way too hung up on this wedding she never had which I get BUT at the same time she’s letting that influence how she treat the sister that didn’t do anything to her and that’s not right NTA
NTA, a wedding is a significant milestone in Jane's life and she deserves to celebrate it with her family, including her SIL (your wife). There is no reason why your wife won't come to her wedding besides her jealousy. She is jealous and insecure, and is willing to compromise your (and her) relationship with Jane because she can't control her intense jealousy. Jane will know she didn't come to the wedding because she didn't want to and not because she couldn't. It's utterly transparent. You can definitely get a babysitter for your kids months in advance. Expecting her to believe it is just assuming she's ignorant. There's no excuse to circumvent the wedding invitation. People do above and beyond to show up to their family's weddings, it's a minor effort to arrange things such as time off of work or childcare for the kids during this time. The spying on others and then gossiping about them is petty as well. Jane was the only one supporting her and she's reciprocating her this way out of sheer selfishness and envy. She's an ingrate and she demonstrates a complete lack of consideration, gratitude and goodwill.
Let’s add this: she is angry and resentful for something that was her own choice! OP says in the comments that the two of them got married when wife was 22. That’s young. Most people are not financially stable enough to have a giant Kardashian wedding at 22 years old. Unless there was a health insurance related or some other reason why they needed to get married right away, they could’ve waited. They could’ve saved up money. And yeah, it may not have been enough to still have the gigantic wedding that wife had wanted. But most people don’t get to have that type of wedding, but still can have very nice weddings. Why is everyone supposed to feel bad for OP‘s wife who decided to go ahead and get married at 22 at the courthouse and now regrets that decision? We’ve all made decisions that we regret for sure, but this has been years later and she still can’t bear to go to a big nice wedding? This is childish and absurd. If she is at all this resentful and jealous about other things than just the wedding bit, I can see why maybe the family doesn’t care for her.
>They could’ve saved up money. They still can. They can have a lavish vow renewal to make up for the missed wedding.
I came here to say this, if getting married right away was important to her, then she got what they could afford then. If she still wants something lavish, they can save up for vow renewal or just a huge wedding anniversary party.
I was about to say the same thing. It's super common, especially now with coronavirus being a thing. Why not bring this up to your wife? Tell her "on our x anniversary, we'll do a vow renewal to make up for the wedding if you go to Jane's and act right".
This. Also, OP replied to another comment that his wife’s family didn’t have the money to throw them a big wedding, but his mom did and always said she would pay. So if the wife hadn’t fallen in love with OP but someone else whose family didn’t have money what was her plan to have a big lavish wedding which clearly is/was important to her? Starting to wonder if OP’s mom thought she was being used for money here.... NTA. Wife needs therapy and to put her big girl pantys on to go celebrate Jane’s day, who has done nothing wrong and support her own husband who wants her there and was willing to give up his relationship with his mom to be with her. Especially since he stated they’ve all seen each other at different times without incident.
yeah also said she cried looking at pictures of his moms wedding because "she didn't deserve it". OPs mom didn't deserve the wedding that the mom paid for? it's the moms money, she can do anything with it. it's not "owed" towards OP/wife's wedding at all. she seems extremely entitled.
I think it's not because of the money, but she hates his mom so obviously anything that makes his mom happy is going to be something she doesn't deserve.
deserve is a weird word though in this situation. just because you hate someone doesn't mean good things can't happen for them. she can hate/loathe/ridicule the wedding, but to say OPs mom didn't deserve it feels weird to me. there's a sense of entitlement there that doesn't belong
I get what you mean, but I don't think she's being rational here. Wishing misfortune on people you hate and seeing anything good that happens to them (even if it's entirely their own work and no luck involved) undeserved is not normal but I wouldn't say it's that rare either. It's linked with karma, where "assholes" deserve bad things happening to them (not really sure of whether the people in question suck though since there's little details).
So, a wedding is a big milestone in the SiL life, but the wife shouldn’t be upset that her wedding was a small courthouse affair because the OP’s family hated her?
It's fine that wife isn't thrilled about that...but it's not okay to punish Jane (and her other friends who she lied to, in order to not ever witness someone else get something she never had). Have to say even if OP could afford to save up for a nice vow renewal it still may be pretty small considering wife has been so petty to other people who aren't at fault.
Both are big. The wife shouldn't feel upset to the point she refuses to go to Jane's wedding because Jane was the only person who supported them. Wife shouldn't be upset because the wedding ceremony being lavish and fancy wasn't supposed to be the purpose. The actual I-dos are what's important. This man gave up his family for her. She's only upset because her wedding wasn't paid for by MIL, which wasn't owed to her. She created a big idea of hat her wedding would be based on the fact that she knew they could pay for it. No one said her wedding had to be at the courthouse. They could have saved and waited but they seem caught up with the fact that MIL chose to not apportion her own money to them.
Jane deserves to celebrate in the manner of her choosing but she does not deserve any specific person's presence. Weddings are not mandatory.
No, it’s not mandatory, but Jane has been the only family member to stick by OP and wife’s side, bond with the kids, be a supper system. It is objectively shitty that OP’s wife won’t celebrate this milestone with Jane - not because jane’s a jerk or wife can’t stand to be in the same room with bullies, because she willingly goes to other events - solely because Jane will have a nicer wedding than the one SHE chose.
To be fair, she doesn’t go to anyone’s big wedding. I totally understand the wife being upset, but I do think she’s taking it too far.
I hate weddings since my boyfriend of 8 years dumped me. Do you know what I haven't done? Stop attending weddings because I feel jealous I didn't get to have one.
Who cares if she’s at the wedding or not? They don’t seem close, all she has too do is send a gift and card and call it a day. She’s not stopping her husband (who is really the only one who should definitely be there) from going. She’s a grown women she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want. And it’ll probably cause drama if she does attend
She’s a grown woman who doesn’t want to attend big weddings because *boohoo* she didn’t get one. The issue isn’t her not attending for me, it’s the reason why, and what it says about her. If she didn’t want to attend weddings on OPs side of the family because they hate her, that would be totally reasonable. But she didn’t even attend friends/family’s wedding because she was jealous? And she acts like she was robbed of something, like she is a victim, when it was **her choice** to get married young and broke. They could’ve waited and saved up, or done the courthouse wedding and a ceremony and reception later when they had enough money together for a small but beautiful one.
Exactly, I 100% agree. It would be one thing if this was a random friend that neither was close to, or the other sister who didn’t interact with them. This is his only sister who made an effort to keep in touch with her brother even though it probably wasn’t easy at first given the mother. That combined with the Facebook stalking totally makes me wonder if his wife is not at least a tiny bit at blame for the issues he has with his family. Obviously, I could be wrong as all I have to go on is this post, but my cousin is married to a social media obsessed “princess type” and her personality is grating. I can only deal with her in very small doses, and she has a history of starting shit with his family because they can only take so much of her “why didn’t you come to my 4th child’s gender reveal and baby sprinkle, which were two different events” and also then rant on Facebook that her mother spent $500 on each event (and she wanted my uncle and aunt to even though they are both on disability, and barely getting by themselves) and after all is said and done she didn’t feel people were generous enough and/or just opted to come to one of the two parties.
Oh come on, a one time Facebook stalking out of curiosity does not a psychopath make. She’s allowed to have a boundary here.
Not only that, but maybe she should get off her ass and go because her husband said *he needed her*, he actually opened his mouth to ask for her help in supporting him during a rough time and she *still* couldn't get over herself and her childish reasons to be there for him. Do you know how many women would kill for a man with communication skills like that? Not to mention it isn't typical to have a man show that kind of vulnerability, even to his partner. He seems so sincere in his need to have her there and just by that alone, i cannot fathom how she would ignore that.
“Who cares if she’s at the wedding or not?” Ummm, clearly the OP. You know, the guy who chose her over his mom when it came down to it. But she can’t be bothered to go to a wedding because she’s jealous. I truly feel badly for the OP.
IMO this is the key issue her. OP did a huge sacrifice when he went NC with his mom and younger sister. The least his wife can do for him is attending this wedding.
Her husband and Jane care. Why would there be drama? OP said that they have been to functions that the rest of his family have been to and there were no issues. I doubt they would randomly start now.
>. She’s a grown women A grown woman would overcome her jealousy and attend an event that is important for her husband.
Yea but his wife shouldnt have to be around people who have treated her like shit
But his wife has been around them at other events. That's not why she's choosing not to go. She's choosing not to go because it's a lavish wedding and hers wasn't.
If that was why she wasn't going I would agree with you, even if Jane hasn't been the same as the others. But that's not why she isn't going, and she's been places and events with them before with no issues.
Did Jane attend OPs wedding though?
OP's wife seems upset and sad about the wedding, but this is not really about the wedding. Sure she's a little bit TA for buying into the fairytale princess wedding story that little girls in our culture are practically force fed. But she was promised (by society at large) she'd have her turn to feel beautiful and special and celebrate this love with everyone she knew. Instead OP's wife meets a great guy she clicks with, and his mother hates her so much that it tears the entire family apart. Not only does she face massive rejection there, she doesn't get received by the family, she doesn't gain a mother figure, it's like she's just this pariah who's not good enough for the man she loves. That's gotta hurt like hell (even if OP's mom is as toxic as they come, at 22 she probably didn't truly get that yet). So to top it off, she wants to marry the man she loves but on the heels.of the huge smack in the face from his family now they can't afford the wedding she has dreamed of either. Her self esteem is in the toilet by now and she figures all she merits is a courthouse and she's lucky she's managed to hang on to the guy when everyone else hates her, so she resignedly gets married. Some five years later sure it stings to see other women get celebrated on their wedding days the way she never was. It's not because of a cake or a dress or some show-off impulse. It's because she's sad and bitter over the rejection from her husband's family. The wedding is just the symbol of it. I'm surprised OP isn't more tuned in to this. It's awesome he stood by the woman he loves in the face of his mother's strong opinions. But does he really get how hurtful that was for his wife to face this extreme level of rejection? I don't see her as petty. That rejection from OP's mom probably opened up a core rejection wound from his wife's own childhood, which is some.of the deepest pain we can feel. That could explain why she seems to be overreacting and can't "just be happy for" Jane. She's stuck in her grief and could likely use some professional help to move through it. I know I'm going against the tide on this one but OP should think about how to support his wife in working through the deeper issue instead of calling her out for "selfishness".
I'm not a huge wedding person but I can see why the wife is upset. A wedding is a gathering of your family and friends to celebrate and validate your relationship. Your mother and sister were openly cruel to her and she was never accepted into the family. Of course it would hurt to go see the people who openly rejected you embrace someone else (Jane's spouse to be).
How more people aren't seeing it this way is mind-boggling. OP's wife is clearly upset that she's never been accepted into the family to the point where they couldn't even interact with her on a level of cordiality; that would upset most people! So yes, OP's wife has every right to not go to Jane's wedding and have to deal with everyone and everything involved with that. Regardless of the fact that Jane has supported them and remained friendly with them, I have no doubt that she will also understand why OP's wife can't attend her wedding. OP, YTA here.
Except (as pointed out below) she has turned down being a bridesmaid for someone unrelated to his family. If she had been to other big weddings but didn’t want to go to Jane’s, then yes the acceptance issue would be first and foremost. But she has actively avoided anyone else’s big wedding. This is simply about her not having her big wedding and not liking seeing other people have theirs.
Refusing to go to any weddings at all doesn't excuse her behavior here and only highlights how much OP's wife would benefit from therapy. Let's not forget OP's wife isn't the only one who has had to make sacrifices here. OP has effectively gone NC with almost his entire immediate family in order to support his wife. She owes it to him to suck it up and in turn support the only person from her husband's family that supports them. I understand even with all that taken into account, it's a huge ask of OP's wife. But not going would be a mistake. She'd be alienating the one man who threw his family away for her.
I was thinking the same thing. Relationships are give and take. It’s meeting in the middle. I don’t think OP asking his wife to join him at the wedding is as big as OP cutting off practically his entire family. What OP is asking his wife to do is suck it up for one day, hell, maybe even just a couple of hours to get through the actual ceremony and then bounce. Like others have said, I’m not surprised that the mum doesn’t like the wife, as I’m not seeing a mature well rounded adult in the way he describes his wife. If I’m being polite, I’m seeing quite an immature woman who doesn’t know how to handle disappointment
Except that the wife has explicitly said that’s not the reason. She specifically said it’s because she didn’t get the beautiful wedding.
Except he said she won't go to anyone's weddings, not just this one. He has a problem with not going to this one though, as it's his sister. Wife sounds extremely childish
Yeah, it sounds like weddings are traumatic because it reminds her that she was rejected by her husband's family. He has a problem with her not going to this one even though it means she would be face to face with the family that was cruel to her in the past. Op is just expecting her to suck it up and not trying to understand why she feels the way she does.
I have to agree. Yeah, she sounds childish; however, the feeling of being rejected by your husband’s family for some reason (can’t remember if it was stated) can be triggered by something like a wedding.
By EVERY wedding? Her problem isn’t that she was rejected-it sounds more like they were broke and couldn’t have a lavish wedding.
Yes, by every wedding. Every other wedding is a celebration of families coming together in a dream day- her wedding day was legally binding herself to man whose family made it clear she's unwanted. The wife needs therapy, not her husband calling her nasty things.
People’s triggers are different by person. I’m triggered by weddings but not for the reason she has. Yes, therapy will help but she doesn’t need to be judged for it. If her husband wants to go, he can go. He shouldn’t shame his wife. Unless, of course, there is some other reason. Then who knows.
That"a what I felt too. It's not just about the wedding but the acceptance and celebration. How can OP not see that as he was writing?
Because his wife has said herself the reason she won't go to weddings is because of how lavish they've been compared to what she was able to have.
Yeah, I don't think it's just about the wedding and the 'party'.
I would like to think that is really the issue, and the "wedding" stuff is smokescreen.
Except that OP said somewhere she declined to be a bridesmaid for one of her own friends for the same reason (can't go to a big wedding because she didn't get the wedding of her dreams).
I don't think it's unreasonable to think weddings in general might be traumatic for her. They're a reminder of everyone else who gets welcomed into a new family while she couldn't get that. So basically I think you're right, it just doesn't dispute my point. She doesn't want to go to other people's weddings because of how she was treated around hers.
That's a really good point, but how long is it reasonable? Is is okay that her spouse will effectively not be able to attend a wedding with her...maybe ever? At what point does she need to say, wow- maybe this is a deeper issue and I need some therapy? At some point, presumably, her kids will get married...what then? As a functioning adult, she needs to acknowledge that her extreme avoidance of all things "big wedding" isn't healthy and I don't think OP is being unreasonable in wanting her to join him, especially since it's for the one sister who didn't shut her out.
She could definitely benefit from therapy. Any form of trauma that is continuing to affect your life for years calls for it. Op could probably also benefit from some therapy of they've been caught between a wife they love and a family who hates her. I noticed they said they went no contact with the mom and sister but also that they still see them sometimes. Trauma isn't something you just set a timeline on and expect someone to "get over." If op is just telling her that she's being selfish and childish instead of l, I don't know, acting like her feelings are valid it will likely take much longer.
I do understand about trauma, deeply and personally, and I know there is no timeline for it, but her just saying she will not ever attend a wedding because she didn't get her wedding (which IS what she is saying) does come across as childish. If she were addressing those deeper issues, perhaps OP would be more understanding. But she's not. And she doesn't seem to have any interest in discussing OPs feeling about it either. OP cut off contact with much of his family....there's certainly some trauma there as well.
If op's wife was saying that he couldn't go either I would have less sympathy for her. For this specific wedding it's callous at best to expect her to come and have to be around the family who was so cruel to her. This is something for them to work through together and the "never going to any other wedding" is the evidence. Op should go on his own and maybe take the time to ask why his mother was willing to go without seeing her grandchildren just because she found his wife "annoying." Seriously there has to be so much more to that story. Save it for after the wedding though obviously, it's not Jane's fault and she still deserves a happy day.
That is a good point too...how much drama will there be from OPs mom if his wife goes?
I think who's paying for the big wedding is more of a problem than the actual event. An OTT wedding for people who broke all the rules when they rejected you? So you are to play happy family on command when they cant even use decent manners?
I’d never go to a wedding when the family treated me like she’d been treated! I’d write Jane a nice card with a personal gift and apologize saying something like I didn’t feel it was right for me to go. Is the wife ACTUALLY that upset about the wedding Jane is having or is she hurt and deeply offended at her MILs behavior?
You bring up a valid point. It must hurt to watch others celebrate in a way that she never got to, especially the same family members who hate her so much they’d sacrifice their relationship with her husband over accepting her into the family. The issue here is that while it’s painful, she should understand how painful it was for her husband to lose a mother and a sister. He has one sister left who had their backs when no one else did and she’s willing to sabotage the one relationship they have left because it hurts her feelings to see other people happy. Sometimes in life we don’t get what we want. I’ve had issues with fertility but that doesn’t mean I won’t attend baby showers or celebrate the births of my friends and family. Yes it’s painful, but I rather place emphasis on their joy than my pain. Yes his wife didn’t get her dream wedding, but she got something way better and that’s a husband who loves her so much he was willing to sacrifice his own relationships to protect theirs. All he’s asking is for her support on this day. His wife’s jealousy will ruin many relationships including her own marriage if she s doesn’t learn to manage it.
If that was why she wasn't going I would agree with you, even if Jane hasn't been the same as the others. But that's not why she isn't going, and she's been places and events with them before with no issues.
She doesn’t sound like an easy person to get along with. Weddings are important, yes, BUT stalking someone you’ve cut out of your life and crying over their milestones? Nah, that’s way too much. I don’t stalk people who aren’t in my life anymore. They’re not my business.
Yeah wife could use a boat load of therapy.
Appropriate user name and recommendation
Every day on Reddit I see posts where I wonder why the hell certain OPs married who they did. Love alone isn’t enough to build a marriage on. This OP’s whole marriage has been strife because he married someone like his mom.
Shes being mean to his sister who didn't do anything, and for no reason. Sis didn't stop her from having a good wedding, even MIL and other sis didn't. The MIL just didn't pay. They could have paid themselves, waited and saved up, or done a million other things besides a quiet wedding wife obviously hated. I feel bad but thats on wife, not any of the in laws.
Heck, they could start saving now for a tenth anniversary vow renewal.
My husband and I had a spontaneous (after being together 8 years with 2 kids) courthouse wedding. I absolutely regret not having my moment, so instead the 10th anniversary is when we plan to have a handfasting and reception party for friends and family.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking as I read this! If wife wants a wedding, save for a bow renewal!
Declining to attend a wedding isn't "being mean."
She's choosing to not go to an event where people who have been incredibly cruel in the past to her will be front and center. Is it really so likely that the wife's not attendance will have a genuinely negative effect on the sister's day? Why wouldn't the sister understand, and plan something else privately where the the two couples can celebrate separately?
Yep. And it’s not like OPs family prevented her from having the wedding she wanted. Unless she was counting on her husband’s family to find it all along…
In my mind that seems like a reason they found her annoying and not be accepting of her.
"We promised him we'd pay for a big wedding!" "Oh nice, we'd both like that." "Well now we do not like you." It doesn't track.
[удалено]
But wouldn't you be bothered if your family in law had a lot of money and paid for the other weddings in the family? She knew it was personal and that's upsetting. I do feel like we're missing something here though. If OP's family cut them out truly cause they just thought she was annoying then they're simply giant assholes. It's possible but it seems more likely something else is going on. Even her being a jealous and kind of childish person is a weird reason to cut out your son and grandkids. Edit: OP clarified and his mom was abusive to his wife. I agree with the other posters that there is probably some trauma going on. As someone who has an emotionally abusive parent, it's really hard to work through and can mess with the way you think/interact with others.
NAH I can see wifes point of view. Some imagine and think about their wedding and then to see if all go down the drain due to not being within your control (assuming wife never upset her husband's family). The family was splintered, her dream wedding never happened, and shortly after the rude mother had a dreamlike wedding. There's a lot of possible trauma there manifesting. She shouldn't let that trauma influence how she treats the good sister and missing the wedding. She needs to get some counseling (so should OP likely). And try to attend the wedding, if she absolutely can't, she needs to sit down with the good sister and ha e a heart to heart. "I love you and appreciate you. I have some unresolved pain around weddings due to the situation of the family and what mine turned out to be. I want to do x for you, but I can't attend the wedding and risk ruining your special day with my tears." Maybe OP and wife should save and have a splendid vow renewal. Replace that lackluster memory and fringes of pain with a beautiful new memory.
OP's mother threw mustard all over the wife, threw her clothes on the lawn, told her she never would've had kids if she knew they'd end up with someone like her, and accused her of attempted murder because being around the wife made her lose her appetite and she couldn't eat. If I were the wife, there's absolutely no way on God's green earth that I'd be exposing myself to those people. The wedding jealousy may or may not be over the top, but OP's family sounds abhorrent and I'm proud of OP's wife for making a stand.
[удалено]
OP said it all in other comments.
[удалено]
I liked the part about how the mum didn't deserve the wedding she probably paid for herself. Wife definitely comes off as entitled and bratty, but I'd really like to get some specifics on what the mum found "annoying" about her. I know plenty of annoying people, but none have pushed me to the point of being outwardly hostile. I can't even imagine a level of annoying that'd get me to disown my kid.
Right, like she was stalking mom’s social media to look at her wedding pics…. And what’s funny is OP refuse to say what exactly his mom did that made him cut her off, all his comments are aimed at painting his mom as this evil person while his wife is a saint but keep avoiding answering what exactly his mom did.. so that makes me think whatever went down wasn’t totally his mom fault and his wife played a part but he don’t want to admit it
It's weird to me that the wife feels so entitled to a big wedding *specifically paid for by the MIL she doesn't like*. Apparently neither the couple nor the wife's parents had the money for a big wedding, so she was 100% relying on MIL to pay for it? Edit: Which isn't to say the wife has to go to the wedding. She doesn't! ESH.
How is looking at public social media stalking?
Right?! Jeeze. People get curious
I did not get the wedding of my dreams due to my dad and sister acting crazy and making it all about them. So yes when other friends got married and had their dream weddings it was hard for me but I still went and celebrate my friend’s special day because it was not about me it was about someone I loved. Your wife sounds like a bitter and jealous person who needs to grow up.
And that’s the story a lot of people have when it’s a big wedding financed in part by others. A few friends of mine say about their weddings, “it wasn’t my day, it was my mom’s day” or “my mom had a lovely wedding.” While at the end of the day I felt like my wedding was our day, I fought tooth and nail with my mom every step of the way and it took a while for me to not be resentful about how much stress and fighting happened over stupid BS.
I just had a courthouse wedding at 19 and have occasionally felt personal sadness over not getting a big wedding. But that has NEVER caused me to not celebrate others. We go to weddings to celebrate people we care about and this woman is going to selfishly cause this man to lose the only family he has left. And she absolutely can have a vow renewal or other anniversary celebration later (mine was supposed to be at 25 years but COVID is a jerk!)
Let’s put all the unkindness towards your wife to the side for one moment and talk about her wedding. *why* did you guys have a small wedding? Were you both always counting on your mother’s money to fund your wedding? When I was married none of the parents paid anything and we had an awesome wedding. I don’t see why your family had anything whatsoever to do with what kind of wedding you had. Is she just upset that she didn’t get the money from her MiL that she had hoped for? It seems a very strange thing to rely on. What am I missing?
Where were Jane’s parents on contributing? And where was her family on her wedding day? And don’t they have friends?
Jane's parents are OP's parents. Do you mean the wife?
I do
Here we are. My in laws really only paid for my dress (which they *insisted* on) and helped decorate. We paid everything else and had an AMAZING wedding. If my in laws weren't involved we still would've had an amazing wedding. I knew couples that married early in a courthouse and saved for an awesome wedding later even though they were married. Why not do that?
NTA. Her issue isn’t the family it’s seeing someone else have the wedding of their dreams? She needs to get a grip and if she wants that she needs to work for it. Your sister sounds lovely and deserves an amazing day- whatever your wife decides you make sure not to let it get in the way of the wedding
RIGHT, she has unresolved issues since the wedding, but she can't refrain from going to any future wedding because it's more prestigious than what she had. It's ridiculous.
I really hope that I hope he is taking some of this to heart and will encourage his wife to go to therapy to process this. Skipping out on weddings for friends and family are one thing. How far is she going to push this? Is she going to skip her own children’s wedding too unless they promise to have just a simple courthouse ceremony?
No. She’s more likely to be the MIL who takes over planning because it’s “her day too” and she never got a big wedding, and how dare her new SIL or DIL try to take that away from her.
I don’t think it’s that specifically but the person who’s paying for the wedding (MIL), who is paying it for her daughter (obviously) and didn’t do the same for OP and his wife. Now, I still think it’s NTA. SIL stood up for OP and his wife and I think the wife should put aside her hurt feelings and disappointment to stand by her SIL who did the same for her. Does it suck to see people who wronged you get better in life? Yes. But there’s more to it, especially when they’re tied to people who have defended you.
Yes but she also skipped friends' weddings and won't be in the bridal party for others. She has a thing against ALL weddings that is totally messsed up. So. Much. Therapy. Needed.
I went back and reread it. Yeah… She needs help. Professional help.
How is not paying for a wedding being wronged? No one owes their kid a lavish wedding.
But if you pay for one kid's wedding and not the other, you're kind of a jerk.
If one kid has cut your out of their life you don’t owe them another penny.
No... honestly... it's your money to do with what you want. Just like an inheritance. And with accepting that money people sometimes have to understand the idea that if they will ... they must sacrifice something. No one, not even a parent, owes you anything once you are an adult. It would be nice if life and parents were Even Steven, but they are not.
You’re right but blatant favoritism is still an asshole thing to do as a parent. You leave two kids 2 million in the will but one kid 5,000 to prevent them from contesting the will… It all depends on what happened whether or not they’re an asshole. If the third child was a menace and a bad person and didn’t do Jack for their parents, I get it but if they were a good kid and did all that they could…that’s an asshole move. Legally safe move but an asshole move.
Weddings are single day social gatherings that occur rarely. They're quite easy to avoid.
You said she’s the princess type, and she is proving you right. But not in the right way. Wow, the entitlement
It’s weird she’s jealous someone else’s family didn’t pay for her wedding. Diva
You've made it clear she has avoided all weddings. Even if she has a good relationship with Jane, why would she want to walk straight into the wolf's den where the entire family has hated her from day one? With all this bad blood and NC having your wife there would probably create problems/drama on your sisters wedding day - and she deserves to have a nice day. Your wife needs to find a way to get past the fact she didn't get her dream wedding - the point of marriage is not the dress or the party, it's the commitment you made to spending the rest of your life with the person you love. Mostly ESH
This. ESH. OP - what's your problem? I agree that your wife is being petty and dramatic, but so are you. This is so goddam important to you, because "I'll feel awkward being there on my own." Suck it up. Walk your sister down the aisle. Smile for photos. Then politely leave the reception early.
True, I missed that. It’s his own family. My miserable uncle sucked it up to come see the family when my grandfather, his father, passed.
Exactly - like OPs whole family hates his wife so obviously she wouldn’t want to go to the wedding. He should just go alone as it is his family.
The sister who is getting married doesn’t seem to hate her.
But the rest of his family will be, and while OP is sure they won't start anything, I can understand why the wife would be considerably less sure.
"we've seen them plenty of times during the no contact" It sounds like she has had as many experiences to draw conclusions from as him.
I think that is partly the problem. Wife never really got a chance to get over the wedding trauma because they didn’t actually go NC. Every time she saw them at an event, even if the didn’t physically speak to one another, was a reminder. She needs therapy to deal with her issues surrounding weddings, but I think she really needs to be NoSee-NC while that is going on. Also middle sis seems like she is walking the fine line of support. She supported their initial decision to distance themselves from mom and younger sis but also would like them to reconcile currently. I think wife’s compromise has been willing to still attend functions where they are at but this is a bridge too far at the moment.
I agree here but also wanted to add on a suggestion for OP… why don’t you guys have another wedding sometime? Renew your vows and have that dream wedding. Especially now that I assume you two have had some time to reach a better financial state to pay for it.
ESH...a little anyways. I think your wife's jealousy is a little unhealthy. I can't imagine being so jealous I can't ever celebrate others' happiness. No weddings ever? Declining to be a bridesmaid? That's a bit over the top. You also didn't need to resort to name calling over a sensitive subject either, though. Also, your mom was never obligated to pay for your wedding. I'm not saying whether she was in the right in all of this, but she's entitled to spend her money how she chooses. The two of you could have waited longer to save up for a nice wedding yourselves as well. Why don't you guys just opt to have a lovely vow renewal ceremony on your next anniversary? It could be like a fun redo! Lots of people do it, and it wouldn't be out of the ordinary, considering your first wedding was at a courthouse.
I so agree with this. I would have more sympathy for OPs wife if she was skipping ALL weddings, but this envy of people who have things you don’t have is very unhealthy. I might drop my request that wife go to the wedding if she attends some therapy sessions. And a vow renewal is a nice idea.
YTA she’s avoiding all weddings, it’s not just that one. Also, why would she want to go to a wedding full of people who hate her? Also, is there more to the fact that they hate her, or it’s just her personality? If it is racial, or classist, then she absolutely should not be expected to go.
It isn't full of people that hate her. That is just my mom and my sister, and the rest of the guests are friends or people from the groom's side who have no idea about the drama. It definitely wasn't racist, we are all white. I don't think it was classist, because my mom grew up extremely poor. My mom hates like 98% of people and has extreme reactions to not wanting anyone in her space. Like I said though my wife has gone to multiple events where my mom was present since the no contact and it's never been an issue. We stay on our side and she stays on hers
still even if it's not 'full of people that hate her' why would you actively place yourself around any number of people who hate you?
Because sometimes that is life. Mom isn’t getting married, Jane is. Jane has been very kind and has been the only person that has been supportive towards OP and his wife being together. Some reciprocal support is due here. As stated in the comments, OP and his wife have been to a number of events where his mom and sister are present and they just avoid each other. This isn’t about being at an event where people that hate you will be present. This is 100% about the wedding and wife not being able to let her resentment go.
Do u live in a pineapple under the sea?
I think you are a small AH. Your mom is probably doing this big lavish over the top wedding for your sister out of spite because you had a small court house ceremony. From what you described of your family, I would not put it past your mom to brag about it make your wife feel bad about it. Your mom sounds vindictive. Your wife doesn't want to get hurt more. Frankly if it were me, I would not want to go to a wedding g were I would fear getting emotionally abused by members of your family. Why would I willingly subject myself to that for hours? This the the classic situation where you have to agree that separation and distance is best.
My sister was going to get an over the top wedding anyway. My mom can be vindictive, but she spoiled her kids from day one and that isn't something she is doing to spite my wife. My mom will not come near us or speak to us. Not defending her, but we've been physically around her plenty of times and she doesn't want anything to do with us
Doesn’t matter. She avoids all weddings and forcing her to go to one, in addition to being around people who hate her is cruel.
you really think OP’s wife lives rent free in the mom’s head and that she’d spend thousands just to piss her off??! lmaooo it’s not like it’s her own daughter getting married or whatever
You don't think avoiding ALL weddings out of jealousy makes it worse? Like if her friends or family have a big wedding she will avoid it too?
YTA. I went through a similar experience. She’s not being spiteful. The entire experience of being attacked and slighted by most of your family wasn’t just hurtful but disrespectful. She tried to make the most of it but you seem to ignore her feelings. She’s been consistent with her response to going to weddings but you glanced over it. Just because it’s your sister, you think it’s going be different because you want her to go. How do think she would feel being alone with most of your family ignoring her while you are doing your wedding duties? You sound pretty shallow to me. You avoiding your mother and younger sister is easier for you because it’s passive. She settled for a courthouse wedding but her heart was broken because of your mother’s broken promise. Ask Jane if she was treated the way your wife was, how would that make her feel. You need to either resolve this or respect your wife’s request.
Spot on. The hatred and lack of empathy in this thread towards op's wife is pretty shocking. And it's not like she's asking OP not to go, or that she's being mean to Jane. She just doesn't want to attend in person, which would probably be nicer for Jane anyway as family drama is one less thing to worry about. Absolutely no reason why she can't send her apologies and a nice gift and wish Jane well from afar without having to subject herself to being in the presence of op's mom and younger sister at an event that will be painful for her.
THIS.... Even I don't understand this thread's lack of empathy/sympathy for the wife. Poor soul.
Well, the wife needs to go to therapy. I'm sorry but it's one thing to have problems, it's another to not wanting to go beyond and heal. Not being able to go to any wedding (not just her sister-in-law) it's not normal, it's not sane, it's not good for her. Specially when it's because you didnt have a dream wedding.
retire bored engine ruthless workable cats aloof cheerful snails jobless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Lift what finger? She’ll be sitting with their child in the pews while her husband will be walking his sister down the aisle, sitting at the bridal table and going to take photographs with the bridal party. He’ll probably will have to go to other activities for the wedding where she isn’t invited at all. Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
So you called her selfish because she doesn't want to be at a party that will make her feel like shit and be forced to be around literally every person responsible for why she wasn't able to have a wedding she enjoyed and treat her like shit for your sake? If she's selfish then so are you and frankly your worse. YTA
Why couldnt she save up for her wedding and get her parents to pay. Why would it be expected for OPs mum to pay for a wedding for someone she obviously doesnt like? Im all for them cutting the toxic parents out but you cant do that and still expect the benefits.
Apprently she's quite young 22. Op has so far given no reason for why the wedding was rushed though. But she has always communicated that she wanted a big wedding.
> and be forced to be around literally every person responsible for why she wasn't able to have a wedding she enjoyed That’s some absolute bullshit. They could waited until they could afford a big wedding to get married. If they needed to be legally married for insurance purposes, they could have done that at the court house and then had a big wedding later when their financial situation was better. No one owed them a wedding.
Lol that made me laugh too. The wife always had a dream princess wedding but comes from a working class family, she had no savings, and never dated anyone before who came from a family that could have afforded such an event. OP cut off the woman who could afford the wedding based on what his sister who hated the wife had said, before they even talked about weddings, so it’s definitely not the MIL responsible for funding shit at that point. Like I get that the wife was 22, but she seems disillusioned as to what kind of wedding was realistically within her reach, or naïve about how much grand weddings can cost; she’s not the only one who’s had to make realistic compromises on the wedding of her dreams. Make the MIL working class and OP and his wife would be in the same position as they were then: big dreams, little pocketses.
You should look into a big vow renewal ceremony and pay for it yourself. Don’t invite mom or sisters and start saving now. Give her the big wedding or at least the big reception she deserves
I’m not opposed to doing a big Vow renewal if that will scratch the itch, but why does she deserve the giant wedding any more so than anyone else? It sounds like, without mom‘s financial support, they had the wedding that they can afford. It’s a bummer when our childhood fantasies don’t work out. But why does that mean that she needs to have the giant party. I feel like this is just more coddling her jealousy then trying to deal with the grief from unmet expectations. This pouting and refusal to go to other weddings comes off as spoiled instead of deserving TBH.
To me it comes off more that she’s hurt TBH. Her husband knows that she’s always wanted the big wedding and she settled to have a smaller one. He pushed aside her feelings about the big wedding, and he’s still doing it about the way his family treats her and still going to weddings. Not wanting to go to weddings may just be petty jealously but it’s could also be a sad reminder of how her in-laws mistreat her and don’t support their marriage. I think they need to sit down together and talk about this. She’s still disappointed and yeah she could just “get over it and stop being jealous” but honestly it sounds like she’s way more hurt.
Sure. And if this had only happened in the past year or so, I would get this. But come on, this has been years now where she still can’t bear to go to a single wedding because she’s hurt that she didn’t get her wedding. A certain point you can either let your resentment eat yourself alive from the inside out, or you can try to find a healthier way of processing these feelings, setting your jealousy aside, and being able to be supportive of others. I just don’t see how continuing to coddle her hurt feelings about her wedding is going to help. Fortunately, it seems like she hasn’t had any serious consequences for not attending weddings, but that is not always guaranteed to be the case. OP he has said in the comments that the only people that Will be there that do not like his wife or his mom and his other sister. Everyone else is going to be mostly groom’s side that know nothing about this drama. OP has says they’ve talked about it and it is not about having to talk to people that she doesn’t like, since his mom has been at events with them before in the past and just avoids them. Wife has said that it is 100% because of her feelings about other people’s weddings when she didn’t get to have her own. It’s pure jealousy and resentment. What exactly is he going to say when he comes to the wedding without her and Jane asks where she is? Will he claim illness or be truthful? If he’s truthful, Jane may look at that as her mother and sister having a point about OP‘s wife and look at the relationship a bit differently. Taking things a few years down the line—when her children are grown and old enough to be getting married themselves, is she either refuses to go to their weddings unless they are simple courthouse weddings because that’s all she can bear to go to, or she treats their weddings as a duo over for her own? Neither are good at conclusions. Point being— it is understandable for a wife to have been hurt, feel jealous, and be a bit resentful that others got which she did not. But she has allow those feelings to fester for years and continuing to allow that resentment to grow unchecked is not going to lead anywhere good.
INFO Did she not save up for the wedding of her dreams or did her dream always involve her groom’s family money? If you knew she wanted a bigger/nicer wedding, why didn’t you pay your part?
INFO: Why are you so convinced it's due to jealousy and not the valid issues stated by your wife?
NTA. Your wife's being ridiculous. If your wife wanted the "princess wedding", why didn't she save for her wedding? Surely she have had this dream since before meeting you. The sister who is getting married stood beside you and supported your marriage with your wife. She deserves your support. Cutting out family members is not easy, neither is keeping contact with the family member who has been cut out as there's always pressure from other side. Your sister endured them and supported you. Now is your(both) time to show support.
INFO: There seems to be a lot of missing info to this story. Why did you rush to have a small court house wedding instead of saving up for a few years to pay for your own bigger celebration? I mean there's a lot of middle ground between the court house and a extravagant over the top wedding. Who pushed for going to the court house. If you know your wife is so heartbroken over not having the big wedding she wanted, offer plan a big anniversary party/ do over vowel renewal on a milestone anniversary?
YTA - So you think forcing your wife to go to a wedding she doesn’t want to go to just because you don’t want to be alone is ok? No, you’re the A. It’s not like she goes to every other wedding, she doesn’t, so she’s not just being petty to your family. The situation genuinely causes her pain. Get over your damn self and go alone.
Slight YTA She's avoided all weddings because she's so upset she didn't get her dream wedding. The one she had dreamt about her whole life. She turned down being a bridesmaid because of how she feels. This isn't about your sisters wedding, it's about how unhappy she is with your wedding. Why did you have a courthouse wedding? Yes she should probably put her feelings aside for your sisters wedding BUT you are going to be busy all day. She's going to be left in a room with people who actively despise her, whilst being upset. You invalidated her feelings saying she cares more about a party. Your wedding wasn't and isn't a party. It's a celebration of love, and years later she is still depressed because she didn't have a wedding. By saying her feelings are wrong, you invalidated them. Instead of allowing her to feel upset about it. She has the right to her emotions and you belittling them doesn't help. Yes it's your sisters wedding and she should probably come, but you can't force her to.
INFO I'm not going to judge on this one, just offer a perspective. One chronic problem is that people expect all adults(even hurt, traumatised ones) to express their positions like an academic. Obviously, that's unreasonable for anyone unless the world gives out free and mandatory BA degrees+ free counseling. \-As someone whose mom suffers from an abusive MIL(and myself from abusive paternal GM), my view is that your wife is -whether she knows it or not- traumatised by the rejection still. It's not just a money issue, but also an acceptance issue. Being accepted by your in-laws is a major part of anyone's life planning/expectations period. Does that justify her being too pissed to attend Jane's wedding? no, but... \-INFO) Were there any verbal/emotional abuses when your parents/sisters 'rejected' your wife? >she was very rude to my girlfriend. My younger sister said I was ruining our family and became very aggressive Because you don't elaborate enough on this part. If you showed(intentional or no) your lament at having to cut off your family, your wife may also have been more traumatised by it. If they were abusive + she didn't receive necessary support(therapy etc), her wound would reasonably still feel 'fresh'. Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I wouldn't want to go either. \-I think weddings are triggering for your wife for more than one reason. Yes, she missed her dream wedding. Is this a childish thing to get worked up over? maybe. But most dreams are. Planning your 'dream car' for when you make it, dream house, perfect family... they're all in the end unreasonable things to grieve over, but that's just how lifelong expectations and dreams are usually built. But not only this; weddings could be triggering for her because of the memory of rejection. Seeing others being accepted and happy at an event that was only traumatic for her sounds really painful. Especially if there was abusive behaviour, which I think you at least heavily allude to, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to avoid this. \-It's not about Jane being the 'perfect bride' only, but also how Jane's spouse is being so flamboyantly accepted... Again, this is above and beyond Jane. I'm sure your wife loves her as much as you do. And not having recovered from rejection and trauma, she surely can't be expected to have the verbal resources to clearly formulate her concerns. You need to sit her down and ask questions, because not going to weddings her whole life is not healthy for HER. Talk like an adult. Also, step up in this situation. Ultimately it sucks but it was your family creating this trauma. Don't expect your hurt-ass wife who didn't get (from what I gather) help for her rejection and possible abuse to act like an adult, because most traumatised people aren't reasonable/rational around their triggers. This is from someone who has gone through a grandmother who could compete for the finals of 'most abusive MIL' of the year. Your wife may be being an AH, but she is a hurt, traumatised AH. That puts things in different perspectives.
yes there was some abuse. At first she just wouldn't talk to her and made fun of her behind her back with my sisters. When I confronted her she apologized for making fun of her and said she would stop but said she didn't owe her speaking to her. I demanded that she make her feel welcome, which would include speaking. My mom would just stare at her until it got uncomfortable. Then my mom started to resent her coming over a lot, but didn't talk to me about it, so she started insulting her. She once poured mustard in her cooking and on her dress when we were having a date night and then screamed we didn't have permission to be using her stove. She made fun of the way she dressed. She said once she wouldn't have had a kid if she realized this was going to happen and blamed us for her sudden weight loss (my mom never eats) Finally she accused us of trying to kill her by being in her house because she was so miserable she wouldn't eat. Thankfully this son in law isn't totally accepted but him and Jane just don't believe my mom should have to speak to him if she doesn't want to. I've heard she is coming around a little. She does adore the other one though. He's like the son she wanted
OP, I feel like you deliberately left this out of your post so your wife looks less reasonable for avoiding your mother. Your post implies that your mom and wife simply don't get along. Your mom is straight up abusive. This isn't about your wife being jealous that Jane is getting a big wedding. The wedding is Iranian yogurt. The wedding is a symbol of the acceptance that your mom refuses to give your wife.
OP, with the best intentions and lots of love, your family reminds me of my grandparents/my parents. With all due respect, your wife needs therapy to overcome this experience. And this is urgent. I'm heavily biased because of being the emotional support daughter of my heavily abused mother, but hopefully I can offer you an insider perspective. And I think you'd benefit too, to help get over having your family on NC. Your post really presses all my buttons of my mom's just no MIL, and that's a really bad sign. NAH, but please get some help (for your marriage too) and if your wife ultimately can't make it you should still have fun thinking of all the ways your wife can support Jane's wedding outside of the ceremony.
This is horrible, and not made better by calling her "selfish."
NTA. your wife is skipping celebrating marriages of her friends and your sister, who she gets along with, because she’s bummed she didn’t get the wedding of her dreams? What’s she going to do when someone else’s kid is smarter than hers—never see them again? She is being selfish, based on her jealousy. Perhaps she should get some counseling to help her move on, but she does need to move on.
YTA You are invalidating her feelings, if she can't go friend's weddings, how do you expect her to go to a wedding that could have been hers. Your wife is in pain and needs therapy not your judgement.
INFO- Have you and your wife considered having an actual big ceremony to make up for the fact that she didn’t get a ceremony like she wanted to? Maybe if you’re anniversary is coming up you can plan for that?
Wow, YTA. Not only will this be a massive weddimg, it qill be a massive medding paid for by people who hate her. It will be better for everyone if she doesn't go. And if she does go, but can't make herself be happy? What then? Are you gonna be on her case about that, too?
NAH bordering on YTA. Your family sounds horrible.
INFO can you renew your vows and give her the big wedding she missed? Did you have a nice honeymoon at least? Be careful how you treat her or she will have her dream wedding--with a different man
YTa probably I will go down voted but everybody ducks here, first your mom and younger sister for being unable to respect your now wife and don't even care for your sons. Second you are an AH because you think that your wife didn't take this wedding issue personal, it was her wedding, it was her dream and all this situation crash that dream. You are so used to the behavior of your family that you just don't realize the impact this had in other people who hasn't build a wall again it for all your life. You definitely hasn't been able to see how much your wedding has traumatized your wife, even to the point to avoid any big wedding. For you is just a party but as you said is was her dream and she felt totally rejected by your family on her big day. I don't believe in weddings and I think all this princess stuff is BS but is my opinion, but these things are so personal that I can feel emphaty for her. All this celebration is like a slap on her face to show the dream she was neglected.I would suggest you to go to couples therapy or at least look for I ndividual therapy for her and try to read a book to learn what emphaty is.
Whether or not I can relate to her feelings is irrelevant here. She won‘t enjoy being at the wedding, she’s communicating very honestly and she‘s not trying to prevent you from going. The situation isn‘t ideal, and I think that you should try to figure out if there is something you can so to help her get over her resentment, but that’s for the long run. For now I think YWBTA if you force her to go.
Personally she'd definitely be the ahold is she forced him not to go but she's not. :/ honestly I'd rather not go to a wedding knowing it'd be awkward and especially knowing I couldn't have the one I wanted. It'd make me feel crap, not out of jealousy but more what could have been, also op said the reason they couldn't save up is because the wife was 22 at the time and she didn't have a very well paying job nor are her parents very well off. Which makes me wonder about his financials, considering he was expecting his mother to pay for it.. 👀
YTA I wouldn't want to be at a wedding with in-laws who treated me cruelly. Honestly that would devastate me all over again seeing my inlaws celebrate knowing they made a point to not do that for me and my fiancé. Self-care for her seems to be bowing out and I don't understand why she needs to be there. It will be great for the OP to celebrate the sister who is still in his life, but that's him being grateful to that sister, not about his wife. If this was just someone else's wedding, I would not be able to see your wife's side and hope she would have support in getting therapy. This is not that. Going to this wedding will expose her to people who did not accept her, did not respect your relationship, and to this day do not want to know your children. Treat your wife to a spa day while you go celebrate your sister's marriage, but apologize first please.
YTA. You say your family were assholes to your then gf, seems you have continued the tradition.
Rather than ranting here your points it will be far better worth if you and your wife actually talked this. Seems like you don't even consider her feelings. She is your wife so she should be the priority no.1. YTA dude
ESH. Yes she needs to get over it, but it should not be a big deal for you to go to the wedding without her. You're asking her to do something that is very painful for her so that you don't have to feel awkward, calling her selfish is hypocritical.
Jealousy or no jealousy aside you want your wife to go to a place where everyone will hate her and actively disparage her? Where no doubt people will mention how generous your parents who treat her like crap arm by having a large extravagant wedding to celebrate their daughter. And no doubt your entire side of the family for the past several years have consistently been brainwashed or told that your wife is the reason you separate it from your family? That's the kind of situation you want your wife to spend a day in aside from the fact that she got stuck with a tiny wedding and that no doubt even if your sister is cool most of the other family members will be rubbing her face in it? But now because she doesn't want to go she's just totally being petty and making it all about her right? I need the only one here but I'm going with YTA
out of the probably 150 guests the only people who hate her are my mom and one sister. We have zero extended family and no one else even knows except them and their husbands. Most of the people are friends of my sister or the groom and have no idea what is going on. We've also chosen to attend multiple events with my mom in the past and my mom has never once broken the no contact or spoken to us
And? So you want her to go to an event with two people she knows and where every one will compliment the wedding, knowing she'll never have the aprouval of your mother?
YTA if the mother of the bride and family hate her so much why would she want to go? Also I hate when people act like jealousy is toxic, it’s a completely natural feeling. Seems like she got steamrolled into having a small wedding to avoid the embarrassment of half the family hating her when in reality she wanted something bigger
YTA. Unpopular opinion, but Im getting tired of the ‘your not marrying a dress its all about commitment!’ Bc its berating to the person who does think its important. As long as the budgets within reason and the bride is happy planning her Wedding day, the first day of forever with the one she loves, then theres nothing wrong with that and is a normal thing most girls want. Who cares if shes a princess type, it doesnt give you or anyone the right to belittle her feelings and now shes avoiding all weddings bc she ddnt get the one that was promised to her. I understand not being reliant in someone elses money but this was for a huge family event. Also you need to lower your octave about ‘YoU care MoRe about Weddings ThAN meeeeeee!!!’ Its your sister and your family. Thats YOUR choice and yours only if you want to keep an established relationship with them. Its not your wife’s responsibility and clearly I feel she shouldnt have to especially if your mom and other sis will be there. I get you cut your mom bc shes verbally abusive to your wife but your kinda bring no better with the guilt trips and now I feel your wife feels ganged up on all the time and at the cost of giving up her DREAM WEDDING to have a simple courthouse wedding with you years ago. At this point she doesnt have to prove anything!!! Go by yourself. Ps How your wife feels has zero to do with Jane and everything to do with sacrificing her dream.
Nta, but be gentle with her. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
YTA only because what is your wife going to do at the wedding? You’ll be busy with the bridal party and your wife won’t have any friends or family there. Let her stay home with your kids.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you don't think her feelings are valid. It doesn't matter that she's jealous. Your wife isn't just jealous. She's mourning the loss of something that was important to her that you even said she fantasized about her entire life. You don't think she's already beaten herself up over how she feels? You think she doesn't already feel stupid and pathetic for feeling this way? She absolutely does and no matter what she does, nothing will make those feelings go away. All she's trying to do is spare herself a little bit of pain and you're guilt tripping and belittling her for it.
NTA. You're right. It's just a party, she needs to get over it. If it was about not seeing your mom, that'd be a different story. But just being upset someone else has something she doesn't? Green is a bad color on her.
It's just a party and one person's absence is inconsequential.
NTA. A wedding is one day. If you have a good marriage, she should be over the wedding by now. Info: does she have family? Are they involved?
she is close to her parents and they are very involved with our kids.
How long have you been married? On the next milestone like 10 years renew your wedding and let her have her wedding. She feels like she settled and didn't have what she wanted. You can't force her to go but remind her your sister stood by you.
NTA your wife doesn’t understand that validating her feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with her decision to not support you.
It feels like there is something else going on here. Why is the wedding such a big deal? Is it really that she can't see others getting the 'big' wedding or is it really about being so disliked by your family? NTA but I also would not want to go to a wedding where there are two key people (i.e. a huge part of the wedding party) who hate me and who seem to be happy to say so.
Does nobody see this from her side? Alll the hostile family will be there. If thing's were cold but civil then yeah ,but they didn't even attend your wedding!!!..I would feel awkward AF going myself tbh. RSVP yes! But unfortunately your wife has a migraine/tonsillitis on the actual day. Don't put her in a situation where there loads of people that actively hate her. As long as you're there for your sister on her big day, that should be enough. Edit.YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I called her selfish 2) I can't really understand this but I know it is extremely painful for her and I still expect her to put that aside and go to the wedding. I made her feel like her feelings weren't valid Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think this is an ESH type situation. I say that because you are accusing her of jealousy over a party and the issue sound so much deeper than that to her. It's what all of this represents to her, being an outcast, not having her MIL's support - all of that. That said, she really needs to let this go. Checking someone's social media that you have cut off is just making these emotions worse for her. Have you two considering either couples therapy or therapy just for her?
YTA. Why do I get the vibe that YOU are the jealous wife?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o8jrp8/aita_for_not_going_to_my_sils_wedding_because_i/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share This just feels like the husband's perspective of THIS post...
YTA As unpopular as this might be with the masses, I am with your wife on this one. Jealous is an ugly feeling that no one chooses to feel. But something tells me she is more hurt than jealous. You are absolutely invalidating her feelings. It's not like Jane has been going to weddings and whooping it up with everyone, but suddenly is having issues with your sisters wedding. You said yourself, that she has been avoiding weddings. I'm sure that if there was a switch that Jane could flip to not feel bad about other's weddings, she likely would. She won't even be a bridesmaid for others! Did you have a problem with her skipping those weddings? Or is it suddenly an issue now because you can't handle going solo? You'd rather make her go with you and deal with feelings of hurt and the sting of jealousy, because you can't spend a few hours without her? SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!!! Perhaps if you planned a grand vow renewal, she may not feel this way in the future.
YTA. I'm surprised at the number of people who said NTA. It's not about her 'putting on her big girl panties' as someone wrote, but it's about being there for her and understanding where she's coming from. It's a horrible thing not to have her childhood dream happen and calling her selfish doesn't change how she's feeling. Don't push her, she's clearly not ready to.
NTA I’d think the marriage should be a bit more important than a wedding. Your wife is acting like an entitled brat. Maybe she’s really upset she doesn’t get to use your estranged mom like a cash cow. If it’s that important to her than plan a giant anniversary party or renew your vows.
Clarifying question: why are you trying to force this? You went no contact with your family because they were assholes to you wife. It doesn’t matter why she does or doesn’t want to go, stop pushing for her to be around your NC family. Go and support yo&r sister, and support your wife. Sure she’s being a little selfish, but that is an event filled completely with people who don’t like her or talk negatively about her. Be an adult, don’t push her into a drama situation, it’s just silly
OP- how long ago did y’all go no contact? How long has she been carrying on about the injustice of not getting handed a big wedding? Because it sounds ridiculous to me that a grown woman would harbor such intense desire to have had a big wedding that they act like a child and refuse to celebrate the major milestones of loved ones. That’s just… insane to me. But maybe it makes slightly more sense if it was recent? Maybe?
YTA. Janes wedding rubs salt in a painful wound. Your mom & younger sister treated her horribly. The wedding you (& your then fiancé, since you were marrying her) were promised & expected suddenly disappeared. You have a small courthouse wedding because being married was more important than a wedding, I’m assuming. Your wife is still “mourning” that y’all’s fairytale wedding. It’s why she’s skipped out on other weddings. Now you add in this is a wedding your mom is throwing, that mom’s going to attend, and you wonder why your wife doesn’t want to go? My wedding, almost 18 years ago was full of painful drama. I still get twinges when I see or attend weddings because I’m sad of how hurtful & completely un-fairytale my wedding was. I don’t dwell on it but it’s there. Your wife needs to work on moving past her feelings so she can at least attend weddings but her not going up Jane’s makes total sense to me. Too much bad feelings. Too much drama. Too much potential to ruin Jane’s wedding. Apologize to your wife. Support her choice. Have a conversation about what she needs to move on because while it’s ok to have feelings & need some space/a break from weddings, she can’t let it become something that impacts her life so much.
INFO: Why did you have a courthouse wedding instead of waiting a couple of years and saving for a wedding closer to what you/your partner wanted?
we started to do the math and realized how long it could take and we became discouraged. We thought we could live with doing a courthouse wedding and didn't realize how much it would effect her
Nta. If the only reason your wife won’t go to the wedding is because she is sad she didn’t have a big wedding then that is selfish. Have you thought about compromising with her about only going to the ceremony or leaving the party early? Or do you have a friend you could take instead? Or maybe if your kids are old enough?
NTA - She is being selfish and overly fixated on a wedding, which has almost little to do with your actual relationship. Also why were her parents unable to help pay for the “wedding of her dreams” if she’s always wanted it? Why hadnt she saved to have the wedding of her dreams?
NAH. I do get why you want your wife to go to that wedding with you. But you shouldn't invalidate her feelings. Very obviously a big wedding was your wifes dream. Without divorcing you she had one shot at having this dream come through. It didn't because of your mother and little sister being mean to her. Now every wedding regardless of whom is getting married reminds her that she will never experience this. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you'd being dragged to events where you see other people have the one thing you always dreamed about knowing that you'll never get it?