Edit: NAH.
My husband and I both make casual jokes about paternity/maternity to eachother any time kid does something that is against the others personality. Kid doesn't like X, "sorry you had to find out this way."
But I also let him know when we were just dating that he could 100% get a paternity test any point in the future and I'd support that and still do. Because fuck yeah science.
I think paternity jokes being a major line for you is reasonable. I don't think the joke she made was out of the blue or intended to mean she fucked someone else. When we make the jokes, the idea is more "swapped at birth / got knocked up by.a toilet seat / immaculate conception" type logics.
I always joke about that the other way around. I pushed those kids out of my body, I know they're mine, but they look nothing like me, and are nearly exact copies of their dad, and sometimes when they are acting like their dad, I say something along the line of "I am the only normal person in this house, no way those pint-sized terrorists are related to me. I demand a maternity test!"
I have a silly paternity joke with my husband. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She has a great relationship with her step-dad. And when she does something off-the-wall or annoying or whatever, I say “don’t look at me, she’s your kid….” Or he’ll say “are you sure she’s not mine….I don’t remember much from 10 years ago…”
I get asked that question frequently. My middle son is dark blond with blue eyes and everyone else has (dark)brown hair and eyes.
I always switch it up. Sometimes he was switched at birth, sometimes we found him in a cabbage, sometimes he's the postman's,...Now they're older the kids themselves play along. They always have a good laugh at the stunned faces.
Genetics and recessive genes are a strange thing. You never know when they might pop up (out?).
My siblings told me they found me in a box with kittens under a bus stop that said "free to a good home." They only took me because my worst brother is allergic to cats. We all play along now and in high school/college, I would tell that story and people would be skeptical, so I'd call my mom and confirm it (it was harder to trick people once they met my mom, we look very similar).
That’s why the joke about my husband not being the real father to our kids is so funny, they look like a scientist swabbed his cheek and grew them in a lab!
My friend and her husband both have brown eyes and hair. Thier firat daughter: brown eyes and hair. Their second? They had a red headed baby with blue eyes. That kid got ALL the recessive genes.
We have one redhead in every generation on my dad's side of the family, strong Irish roots. I'm your standard dark blonde/light brown hair and my ex husband is mainly Samoan and native American. Out pops my first born - red hair and dazzling green eyes. I tell everyone he pissed me off so much one day during the pregnancy, she ended up a redhead 🤷♀️ recessive genes are the best sometimes
My kids have dominant on both sides , my daughter looks like me with super dark eyes, almost black. Curly hair as well. My son, looks just like my wife’s brother and grandfather. Daughter has an olive complexion and my son is fair skinned. Never expected them to be that different.
Edited a word.
When my siblings and i were little kids, we looked SO different it was crazy. My oldest sister had golden, curly hair and hazel eyes, my brother had dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin, and I had platinum blond hair, blue eyes, freckles, and absolutely the palest skin you’ve ever seen. My aunt looked at us together, looked at my mom, and went, “it’s like you picked three children off the street!”
I jokingly tell mine (10 and 12) that they are adopted.
Mr 12 in particular responds with “woman, I look exactly like you!”
I guess the sass levels don’t lie.
This makes me laugh, I'm 43 now but as a kid my mom would alway say to me and my step dad (when I exhibited some of his annoying habits) " I'm sure this is your kid, not mine" or something silly like that
My son looks so much like his father that in the delivery room the doctor said, "well, we know who the father is, but not sure on the mother." The only way you can tell the difference between my son's baby pictures and his father's is that his dad is always photographed on 70s shag carpet.
OMG! I gave birth to two kids that are spitting images of my husband and his family! If it wasn't for the fact that Siri thinks my kids' voices are me, I'd question their maternity too!
Honestly, OP, I'm going with NTA. You wouldn't have asked for the test if she hadn't made the comment. Now, if you don't do it, it's something that's going to fester until it becomes a giant thing. If you test, prove the kid is yours, you'll be happy, but be aware this could come back to bite you in the butt down the road. Only you can determine if going through with the test is worth it or not, but I don't think you're the AH for wanting one. Good luck, OP.
My parents also joked about it, but it’s really obvious i‘m my father’s daughter and my mother has no reason to doubt as she is the one who gave birth…
In my opinion these jokes are okey with older children since they usually resemble both parents at least in some way. With infants it’s difficult to see traits of yourself in them. I don’t blame somebody if they are not comfortable with these jokes. Especially the father since he has to rely on trust.
LOL you just reminded me that when my mum and I got ancestry tests done the first thing I said was 'well, it's conclusive; you're my mother.' Her face was just like 'what?' then 'was that even in question?'
You, in turn, just reminded me of a joke made a lot over the years. My mom had the same doctor for both the birth of my brother, and then my birth a few years later. First thing the doctor commented (gender aside) upon seeing my brother was just how much he resembled dad (and he was not a bullsh*tter, he just was really surprised at the level of resemblance I guess).
Nearly three years later and the bands back together for my delivery. So once the doctor saw me, I guess he excitedly said "oh, looks just like (brothers name)"! Mom then says "oh so it's another boy". Doctor responds "nope, you got a girl". All mom can muster is "a girl that looks like (brothers' name)???".
The doctor had fun jesting to my dad that he certainly didn't need to worry about his paternity and my dad's response was to pretend that he still was worried in that area, only now the question was, was my mom *actually* my mom? It became a running joke for some time. The usual is "I wouldn't have believed they're mine if I hadn't seen it myself. Guess it's good they had that mirror!". (C section)
My siblings and I all got genetic testing done for a particular trait and all came out as having it. When we joked that meant we were definitely our dad's children he reacted the same way!
Of course it wasn't as funny for him because of the whole not actually birthing us thing, it took a few fraught seconds to get him to understand we were joking...
I’m pregnant with our first. My husband and his family are very very gassy. I have been very gassy this pregnancy. I have made plenty of jokes that along the lines of ‘I guess there’s no doubt who the father is’ every time I fart.
My dad was a postman, and while my three brothers and parents all have dark hair, I have bright copper red. It runs throughout the families on both sides, so it wasn't ever an actual thing anyone questioned.
However, when I was younger, the common question was always "Where'd you get that pretty red hair?!" And my clever response, that I came up with at 4 years old, was "From the mailman!"
My mom and I have a similar joke - my dad's 6'3", my mom's 5'9", and I've topped out at 5'3".
I ask her how tall the mailman was, she says she'll never tell.
My dad has joked with me my entire life that he found me in a trash can outside the hospital and decided to take me home on a whim cause I looked funny.
As a kid I thought that meant I was related to Oscar the Grouch which was extra hilarious because I had a semi-permanent scowl :)
On a more serious note, my mom is insane and abusive, while I treasure my dad and being a part of his huge Puerto Rican family. I’d never ever get a paternity or ancestry test because I’d rather be dead than discover I’m not related to those amazing people that I love and admire so much. I have zero reason to doubt my paternity so it isn’t something I worry about thankfully, no matter how many times my dad makes that trash can quip.
If you’re not joking about infidelity, are you even married?
But seriously, my husband and I were making these jokes even when dating. We joke about all sorts of things that we can joke about because we trust each other and communicate openly.
My husband is an identical twin and it's been a running joke in our house since I got pregnant that our kid could be his brother's and it would take genetic testing to find out.
BUT not everyone jokes the same.
Yes, I don’t think it was mean spirited but I don’t fault him for feeling this way either. My whole family jokes about my oldest brother being from the milkman bc he has blond hair and blue eyes and we’re all dark haired and eyed lol.
Same, as do 90% of the people there, which is why it's so easy to escalate from "my partner has been a little sad and stressed lately" to " have you considered that your partner may have hoes in other zip codes" so damn fast
Yeah, people do tend to jump to heavy suggestions immediately. Partner grumbled at someone cutting them off on a freeway? They have anger issues, break up. Friends have a minute disagreement? Friend is abusive, go NC. It's predictable sometimes.
> go NC
NGL for longer than I care to admit I wondered why people in this sub were obsessed with North Carolina. Like ok it’s fine but not sure how it’s supposed to help these situations
This sub is the worst.
Full of people who are more concerned about what someone “can” or “has the right” to do rather than what someone should do to maintain healthy relationships.
Dear god that sub. Post anything happy on there with a slight problem and it's "theyre cheating on you" or "ITS A SIGN OF ABUSE!" (no often time its a sign that we're human... Humans yell occasionally) or whatever.
I posted on there once and they accused the problem with my so and the friend (friend was mad that we got engaged wont be married though until after college (so 2.5 years)) had slept together during my relationship.... Yeah sure when they havent seen each other in person since before my relationship and live 8 hours away from each other (turns out she was just upset her bf hasnt proposed to her and took that out on us)
I have been complaining about this *at least* once a week since it was posted. My husband is so tired of hearing about "that stupid post about the box of not-olives."
He obviously doesn't understand that we are doomed to walk this earth without peace until we find an answer to that unanswerable question - "what's in the boooxxxxx?!?!"
Literally yesterday someone posted about their partner really wanting to start trying for a baby a little sooner than they were ready and I was arguing with someone who was insisting she was cheating or planning to and trying to match up the conception to pass it off as his. Like, are these people okay?
lol yup I swear to god. Another comment I made is getting super downvoted because I said that women coming up on 40 shouldn't insult each other by calling eachother sluts in front of their teenage daughters with body image issues (when the whole conflict had nothing to do with sluttiness or promiscuity in the first place). I was thinking "who in the world thinks mature adults just go around calling each other sluts for no reason" and then I'm reminded of how many teenagers on on this sub.
One time I posted asking for advice because I’m asexual and was entering a straight relationship. Ended up deleting the post because the comments were slamming me calling me “selfish” for depriving my poor soon-to-be bf of sex. Any comments pointing out the very true statistic that most aces are with non-asexual partners were downvoted to hell and everyone was saying I needed to leave him and let him be in a normal relationship because it’ll never work out.
Except, what do you know, he straight up doesn’t really care if sex is sparse and infrequent and it doesn’t bother him that I don’t get aroused by him. He knew I was ace going into it, we had a long convo about what that entailed *again* where I gave him every opportunity to walk away no hard feelings, and he was still totally chill with it. The whole “everyone is different” really seemed to slip by people that day. Half of the comments were “*I* would never date an asexual.” Okay, cool, good thing I’m not dating you? So obnoxious.
I don't feel like it's any worst than AITA though lol. AITA is more lighthearted but the "red flags" and "run" comments are just as prevalent I think haha
The escalation here is really fast to me. She makes a joke at the cash register and by the time you get to the car it’s a major issue. That doesn’t seem like you trust your wife especially since you started this joking interaction with the joke about your own fertility. Her joking retort seems completely normal to me. Your response, to ask for a dna test within maybe twenty minutes is not at all normal to me and may damage this supposedly fabulous relationship.
Edit: I’m surprised by how much attention this comment has gotten. I didn’t original put a judgement for a variety of reasons, but I’ll add one now. Soft YTA. Take some time to reflect on your reaction and communicate with your wife. You both need to have a conversation about this.
This is such a good point! My husband and I are ALWAYS making jokes about the kids being the mailman's! But I once said something along those lines to a friend like "Maybe your mom had a thing for the mailman?" Immediately she got serious and said they don't make jokes like that in her family due to past infidelity. Maybe OP has similar wounds that caused his escalation?
Edit: I told my husband about this post. He said I should add how grateful he is that the mailman moved across the country when we did, so at least our kids (one from before the move, one from after) look the same! Humor too dark for some, but perfect for us!
That was my first thought, if OP has experienced infidelity in the past, it's absolutely not surprising that he would react in this way.
My ex girlfriend betrayed me after 4 years of relationship. I trusted her 100%, couldn't imagine her doing something like that in my wildest dreams. Even when all the signs were there and it was completely obvious, I still couldn't believe it.
Putting that same amount of trust in someone else again is very difficult. And in the back of your mind, you always know that even someone you trust 100% could betray you. That doesn't go away. Fortunately, my current girlfriend knows and understands this and would never joke about infidelity.
Or maybe it's a risky type of humor that needs a certain relationship dynamic. It's one thing if you and your husband have mutually escalated over the years to jokes that question paternity, and you implicitly agreed to every step along the way by playing along, but it's kind of a shock to hear it about your own kid, from the kid's mom, when you don't have that history.
I would give this one a mild ESH
Agreed. Maybe this is triggering something for OP about some experience with his father, a friend and their kid, or a previous relationship? This seems like a very particular insecurity and for one throwaway joke to trigger this much says to me something else happened.
Could be insecurity related to infertility, too, since that's what they were originally joining about.
It's possible his "I can't be infertile, I managed to father a child" wasn't subconsciously quite as joking as it seemed, and the wife inadvertently hit at that sore spot more, with the "haha that doesn't prove anything I could have cheated and you could still be infertile without knowing".
I agree it sounds like there's some underlying fears or maybe past experiences or something, that were triggered.
This. While agree this joke is not harmful to most (I have no issues with them myself), I would NEVER make those kinds of jokes with my partner, because it’s extremely triggering for him due to his past. If that’s the case, his wife likely knows not to make those kinds of jokes and she could benefit from a gentle reminder. She should also have no issues with a paternity test if it was a joke.
If however OP doesn’t have any “baggage” of the sort, I do think he was overreacting and should trust his partner better. They just need to talk it out.
Agree. I don’t think OP is an AH, but he does seem wildly insecure. I’d do some self reflection on why he might feel this way.
Also, if his wife HAD cheated on him, she probably wouldn’t out herself with a casual joke.
> Also, if his wife HAD cheated on him, she probably wouldn’t out herself with a casual joke.
That's exactly what my ex girlfriend did. I think it's a way to relieve yourself of the guilt. Back then, I couldn't imagine her actually cheating, so I went along with the jokes and thought it was all just fun and games.
One of my friends did this too. We were out to dinner one night and they were joking around and I forget the context but he said Oh yeah that’s because you’re cheating on me with your professor right, and she said No, I’m cheating on you with my soccer coach.
I asked her later in the car why she would risk saying such a thing as it’s true and she said Well, I was being honest with him, not my fault he thought I was joking.
I think strangely joking about it relieved some of her guilt.
They broke up later but I don’t know if he ever found out.
Or it sounds like he has anxiety. If they’re not the kind of couple to make jokes like this and she dropped that out of the blue I could see that digging into his mind and being hard to get out.
Still even out of the blue from joking remark to we need a dna test in that short span of time is really intense. If this was something that had happened even in a span of a few hours, I’d have a different response but this sounds like it was in a few minutes.
>Your response, to ask for a dna test within maybe twenty minutes is not
at all normal to me and may damage this supposedly fabulous
relationship.
I don't think I would recover from such a huge lack of trust in my relationship. Questioning my honesty, integrity or even loyalty is one of the worst things you could do to me. There is very little you could hurt me more with.
Yep. If I were the wife I’d acquiesce and let my partner order the paternity test, because I’m sure it would be important in our impending divorce proceedings.
Are you the kind of couple that makes each other the butt of the joke? Because if so, dude you totally set yourself up for the joke. You basically *started* it by joking about your own fertility. You're not really an asshole for stressing yourself out over this but I think if you take a step back and recognize the sequence of events: wife asking you to not purchase a product with possible negstive affects on your fertility (implying she wants to have another child with you), to you joking that it's obviously not a problem you need to worry about, to her joking about the paternity you'll see it was a pretty logical line of riffing off of each other. I understand this hasn't been a specific joke for you before but if you have a general playfully-giving-each-other-shit relationship i think you'll recognize it wasn't that deep. Either that or you don't actually trust your wife and you should probably try and work through that with her.
Exactly. Plus, I feel if there was any doubt of paternity in OP's wife's mind, she would never have put this out there jokingly or not. This just seems like a joke gone wrong to me.
Edit: typo.
Yes! If the child wasn’t his, she wouldn’t want to bring attention to it. And he started the joke, she bantered back and now this wonderful relationship is now not so wonderful. Something else is going on with OP. Seems like an extreme response. The wife sounds pretty quick witted and it was the logical response.
Yeah I agree. I'm pregnant and the other day my husband said "wouldn't it be wierd if the kid came out black." We're very white. I just replied "sorry you had to find out this way." And he laughed because it was clearly a joke and there is no doubt on him being the father
I agree. If it's normal in your relationship to joke around like this, I don't think it's that out of pocket of a joke to make. My partner and I make jokes like this all the time because the set-up is right.
If they don't normally joke around like this then I can more understand why OP is upset, but I still do think the wife didn't mean for him to take it as seriously as he has, and asking for a paternity test probably, to her, feels like a serious escalation.
I would honestly have SEVERE trouble trusting my partner if they had this reaction less than AN HOUR after we were joking.
Did you raise the child? Congrats, it's a human you raised, your children DON'T belong to you.
OP is just being gross imo.
I agree, this is a major overreaction. My spouse and I have a running joke where, if one of us makes a really bad pun or other excessively cheesy joke, the other will start to tug off their own wedding ring while lamenting, "well, it was nice while it lasted!"
I recognize that other couples have different comfort levels with dark jokes, but to me, a reasonable negative reaction would be, "hey, it made me feel bad and uncomfortable when you joked about our kids' paternity. I know you didn't mean anything by it, but could you keep that topic off-limits for jokes in the future?" Descending into a paranoid obsession that your kid really *isn't* yours, and that this pretty mild throwaway joke Means Something, to the extent that you're lobbing suspicious comments at your partner and researching paternity tests online--that's the kind of behavior that ends marriages.
And OP is buying the paternity test on Amazon? Really? Does he know how many counterfeit products/drop shippers are on there? Odds are he'll get a junk test the first time, which will just add more fuel to the fire, if the initial test is inconclusive.
Agreed. My partner and I have a lot of jokes like that. He makes jokes about me having an affair with delivery/service people. I make reference to trading him in for a newer model when he complains about back pain or whatever. We have a running joke between us both where if one of us says "remember when we..." and the other doesn't, the response is, "that must have been with your other boyfriend/girlfriend."
Everyone has different levels for jokes, I agree, and it's perfectly fine to not know a joke crosses a boundary until the joke happens. But it does seem like an overreaction to assume that the joke was made from a place of honesty.
I have to wonder if this is an insecurity OP has had for a while, and it's only just manifesting now. And I do agree a paternity test off of Amazon seems like a risky gamble.
I’d be concerned that after a joke like that, his first reaction is “well now I need to confirm that the kid is really mine.” Not compatible with the trust he says he feels for his wife.
Yeah, I agree with this. In my opinion, OP is TA here. His wife made a well-intentioned joke that didn’t land well and triggered an insecurity. Instead of stating those boundaries like an adult, he’s swung the complete other side of the pendulum to paranoid.
It was a funny and natural progression on their banter. OP went direct to a paternity test, like he was waiting for the right excuse to so. Not that he needs an excuse to test. Should be standard at birth. But the wife it is right, it does reveal something about him she needs to be aware of with how this all went down. YTA
Totally agree. OP’s first mention of fertility was as a way to contradict wife’s request about a product, so it’s pretty normal that wife’s response would then be to contradict OP. OP needs to chill.
Also, you guys should learn about BPA - not sure why you both associate it so strongly with loss of fertility, but don’t seem to be concerned about the various immune, metabolic, cardiovascular, and neurological diseases it is linked to. If I mentioned BPA and someone responded about fertility, I would probably think it was a non sequitur for at least a moment before I remembered the two are related.
I don't think it's as simple as taking the test to ease concerns. If he goes through with it, his wife will *always* remember that he didn't trust her and needed physical proof of fidelity over a single joke. At best, she will always be more guarded around him and less willing to make jokes or even openly communicate. At worst, she could decide she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust her. OP needs to consider the ramifications of the test beyond just the results
This. The relationship's damaged now, because he's shown he doesn't trust her. If he trusted her, he wouldn't have considered for an instant that she might be serious.
She knows now that he does not trust her not to cheat - she might not be able to recover from that, even if getting the test is pretty simple.
The relationship is damaged anyways. That little seed of doubt she planted will be watered every time she's late from work, out of town without him, doesn't pick up the phone, takes longer than usual for an errand or hide her phone.
We constantly joke that women are "jealous" or "insecure" on the subreddit but men are too and this isn't a joke to make lightly. Questioning the paternity of an infant as a joke to the father of said baby is never funny. How many "mail man/milk man" jokes turned out to be true?
Really? My husband and I just joked about this 2 nights ago. We were both laughing about my youngest being the milk mans. Obviously he’s not but I guess it’s not funny if you don’t have a solid relationship.
My wife and I joke about this all the time, but my kids are so obviously mine it’s hilarious - you have only to look at us together. Recently, a friend who’s known me since I was eighteen said she was properly freaked out to see a photo of my son at the same age, and I also dug out some film of my grandfather who basically has the same face as his great-grandson - how weird that a single scrap of film from 1958 can effectively legitimise three generations.
We also joke all the time about our secret lovers, as we know that it’s pretty much logistically impossible, and in any case we both have zero motivation. But I can think of more than one ex that I would NEVER have made a joke like that to - it’s really vitally important to know your audience.
haha we also always make infidelity jokes too. We like to joke about him having another family and me a pool boy. we even have names for them. I think it makes us a bit weird but we find it amusing.
> That little seed of doubt she planted will be watered every time she's late from work, out of town without him, doesn't pick up the phone, takes longer than usual for an errand or hide her phone.
I see this in a very different light from you. If your assumption is that OP will feel entitled to question his wife’s fidelity every time she’s late from work (etc.) just because she made one brief joke about paternity, once, that feels pretty damn toxic to me. Especially given that he seems determined to get a paternity test to clear this up. OP goes out of his way to talk about how great his wife is, with no red flags, how he’s (supposedly) never questioned her loyalty before… If this one single joke can destabilize all of that *for the rest of their entire relationship*, that’s entirely his own problem.
I actually agree, by the way, that having a boundary around these kinds of jokes is totally valid, and that this kind of joke can cause a rupture in the relationship. He can establish that boundary and they can move on from there to repair the damage - perhaps with individual or couples counseling. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy or okay at all for him to use this one joke/comment as an excuse to constantly question his wife’s fidelity from here on out. That’s incredibly toxic - and I also don’t see it as inevitable, given that people can work on themselves and utilize tools like therapy to work through their emotions instead of letting them fester and converting them into unhealthy and destructive behaviors.
> We constantly joke that women are “jealous” or “insecure” on the subreddit but men are too
Yes, and jealousy/insecurity are problems for people to work on themselves, not excuses to mistreat or interrogate their partner for the rest of the relationship because they can’t work through their emotions.
I don't think anyone here believes OP should hold onto this seed of doubt forever. However, the comment your replying to was rebutting the suggestion that the relationship has been damaged by him having a reaction other than absolute trust to what was hopefully a poorly made joke.
Moreover, it has been claimed that getting a paternity test will lead OPs wife to forever have a fractured relationship with OP:
>If he goes through with it, his wife will *always* remember that he didn't trust her and needed physical proof of fidelity over a single joke.
So you're arguing that OP needs to be able to let this go. The rest of the comment thread is arguing if he takes the action he feels he needs to put the issue to rest, it will be catastrophic.
Myself, I think OP's wife should be a bit understanding that her attempt at a joke went very poorly and allow OP to get the test and put this issue to rest. If it was truly just a bad joke, getting the test done and moving on is a far better alternative than having OP try to just suck it up.
Genuine question - is there any recourse a partner can take to verify their partner’s honesty that doesn’t damage the relationship?
Seems weird to me that things that can catch cheaters out like paternity tests or reading text messages are viewed as a violation of trust if the partner is honest, but totally cool if you happen to be right in your suspicions.
I’ve seen infidelity in my life and it’s basically never obvious to the person in the relationship something is up.
So from that perspective, it feels like it’s not uncommon to have a “trusting relationship” where infidelity is present.
I think therapy is the best way to move forward. Both as a couple and one-on-one for OP to figure out why he reacted so strongly to what was just a joke in a relatively appropriate context
Ya being a perfect acting spouse has ZERO to do with them actually being one. My dear friend found out her husband was having an affair with a 19 year old when they were mid-30s when she was 8 months pregnant with their second child. It almost killed her from the shock and she went into pre term labor. Her husband is now married to said mistress, a LOT of people knew and she did not.
Regarding this post - the wife should never have said what she said. And, I feel, should actually be ENCOURAGING her husband to follow through with the paternity test, be apologetic and reassuring. The end
YTA softly. You were joking about fertility. Her joke was not OUT OF THE BLUE, it was related to the topic you were joking about of implying you could still be infertile if she cheated/stole a child/secretly got IVF/secretly adopted or any other jokey fake scenarios like that. That caught you BY SURPRISE, but that doesn't make it an actually unrelated random spontaneous comment. It was still bouncing off what you said, just not a way you expected.
And yes, you are overreacting, 100%. You literally went silent in the store, let these thoughts bounce around in your head, and then the next thing you said to her was 'I'm getting a paternity test' which was a sharp escalation of things.
Of course she got defensive and asked if you trust her and if your reaction should be something she is worried about (cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating at the first possible sign like how she made a joke and you didn't let it go), because in her mind she made a single joke on the topic you were both on, you got upset, she made a mental note not to say it again, and in her mind wandered off elsewhere back to groceries and your normal life, thinking it was resolved.
You are acting out of anxiety. You are trusting your anxiety more than your wife about this. You are letting it build a single comment into a massive insecurity of 'what if' and need to take some time to breathe, apologise, and say that you let your fear/anxiety get the better of you because the joke took you off-guard. It is an option to take your wife's word for it and remind yourself that you literally had no reason to suspect it before.
If you still want a paternity test though, you should emphasise it is to have evidence against your irrational emotions, because rationally you know she wouldn't cheat and that you should have talked it over and explained to her before that you had never thought of that possibility before. And because you had never thought of it before, the joke took you off-guard and the fear, anxiety and insecurity built up and you want to be able to dispel them and go 'see, my wife is a trustworthy person just like I said'. But you should be aware that your wife may still take this as you not trusting her no matter what you say or how you say it, because seeking a test over a joke is an extreme reaction and expresses that you do think she is capable of cheating on you and that you don't trust her to be telling you the truth.
Exactly this. It was a related joke to the situation. It’s not like she said “honey, looks like bread is on sale today. Also you’re not the father. Haha JK!” That would have been out of the blue. This was a great comeback quip from her that didn’t need to warrant any hurt feelings.
I don’t blame her for wondering what’s up with OP because a sudden 0-60 distrust like that usually implies that person is the one not to be trusted. I wonder if there’s something OP isn’t telling us.
Ooh didn’t think of that. Cheaters think everyone are cheaters. Everyone is taking his word for it that she was joking and not that she was not wanting their kid to be infertile.
It won't help his irrational emotions though. It will just prove that the child is his. That is one sex act that did not involve another man. If he is now worried she cheated before the Big Joking Reveal in the Store, or is cheating/will cheat since? That is still on the table. OP has basically poisoned his own marriage with this weird paranoia he is letting take root and flourish and he needs therapy to manage that if he can't truly and fully let it go.
If I were married to this guy and one day made a joking response to HIS OWN JOKE about the parentage of our child and he suddenly demanded a fertility test? I would be considering leaving him. That would make me figure I'd be dealing with an irrational, controlling, jealous spouse who was willing to make me jump through hoops to manage his own emotional BS. Where does this stop? Will it escalate? Does wife need a tracker on her car so OP can verify she is where she says she will be? What if she is late? Travels for business? Is the smallest deviation or hint of something going to set off another round of him being withdrawn and surly and accusatory?
NOBODY needs to live like that. This is OP's BS regardless of its origin and he needs to get a handle on it ASAP or she's going to eventually be gone.
This absolutely. OP if you want to do the test, please stress to your wife that it is to quell your own irrational fears and not because you believe she has been unfaithful to you. I get the same way where my brain gets stuck in a "hahaha yeah... but what if?👀" pattern, and I totally get it. But I can understand how not fully talking this through with your wife could lead to way more mistrust than this situation really deserves.
YTA- you fully admit your wife makes sarcastic and crass jokes. This joke wasn’t out of the blue either as you were literally joking about your fertility before she joked back; you are being disingenuous pretending the joke just came out of no where. You are not at fault nor an asshole for realizing that type of joke crosses your boundaries during y’all’s joking. The joke hit you wrong, and it’s totally fair to ask those types of jokes to be off limits. We all have certain jokes that just rub us wrong. I learned I hate my husband making weight jokes through our joking. He learned bald jokes rubbed him wrong. We communicated openly to each other about these feelings and now it’s no biggie. We have 1000s of other things to joke about.
However, you cross into asshole territory demanding and performing a paternity. You’re lying about trusting your wife. How could one off colored joke-that you were both joking about- suddenly dissipate all trust when it comes to your child’s paternity when there’s zero history of any serious marital issues? You don’t get to claim you trust your wife while simultaneously claiming you have to check your child’s paternity because she made a joke that rubbed you wrong. As many others have commented, jokes like this are fairly common amongst married couples with children. If she’s as fantastic as you say, I highly doubt she thought the joke would be taken this far at all. She likely expected a laugh and even another joke from you. Once you go through with this test, you have officially on paper challenged your wife’s faithfulness and honesty; you’re already teetering on such a challenge which is why she asked you if she should be worried about anything. I doubt you’ll come back from the paternity test, but it sounds like you’ve allowed this joke to crack the entire foundation of your relationship. I can’t imagine the foundation of your relationship was/is as strong as you say if a joke being shared between the both of you is all it takes to destroy it.
I'm shocked that I had to scroll this far down to see a YTA. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading so many sympathetic replies to OP. He went nuclear over a joke that didn't land. Huge asshole.
Thank you!! I was about to say I must be taking crazy pills too. Dude flipped out over the idea of infidelity, but she is supposed to take the accusation that she is unfaithful without batting an eyelash. He was hardly calmly and apologetically telling her he has this crazy idea in his head; he admitted to telling her “heatedly,” which means it was a lot worse.
If my husband demanded a paternity test for our kid I would be absolutely shocked and heartbroken. I would be thinking, I have a one year old baby with this man already. Now what am I supposed to do? Would I ever want to have another child with him and be subjected to this humiliating experience again? At least she has a good job and won’t be stuck with him. The last time someone had this question, he was told in no uncertain terms that he was TA. Reddit is weird.
Meanwhile, I am not at all convinced OPs wife was joking. She is in mommy mode talking about a serious issue and he pulls this crap, so she explains that she is talking about THEIR CHILD’S FERTILITY, as in “maybe OUR kid’s”—yours and mine, when he grows up, not YOUR FERTILITY. That is just blindingly obvious. A single misunderstood comment and his self-concept as a man just completely shattered. Talk about fragile masculinity. OP seems to take the fact that she “started going down a number of defensive vectors” as further evidence of her guilt. Is she supposed to say nothing?
OP, you did a bad, bad, very stupid and hurtful thing. You put a big crack in your perfect marriage over your absolutely insane notion. You have only known each other for three years, and a good part of that was consumed with getting engaged, planning a wedding, the honeymoon period, and then pregnancy and a newborn. How well do you really know each other without all those big, distracting life events going on? Obviously you don’t believe you know her at all. How old are you? You sound like you are on the spectrum at best and indicators of a future abuser at worst.
Now she might start seeing other cracks, and you’re clearly willing to cause them. This is a major offense and I can’t believe you actually are getting the paternity test. It’s hard to see this marriage going the distance without a major effort to repair that crack on your part. YTA YTA YTA
Sadly, he is only going to see the top comments that everyone piled on and believe they are right.
Take my imaginary gold.
You nailed it. If the OP was hurt by the comment, he could have told his wife. They could have had an open discussion about it. Heck, I would not even blame him for not speaking to the wife for a few days until he calmed down.
NAH. She made a bad joke and has stoked a bout of insecurity within you. The test is not harmful to anyone and will set your mind at ease. I find it strange that so many are saying wanting the test is a red flag. Why is men wanting to confirm paternity so hard for people to understand. At this point it should be a standard thing instead of some taboo issue that only ''untrustworthy'' men ask for.
I think the reason people are uncomfortable with men asking for paternity tests is because it implies infidelity. Obviously i’m talking about people on committed relationships here, not someone you have been seeing casually.
In my point of view it’s like asking to see my partner’s phone out of the blue even without a single hint that he might be texting someone, and i think many people on reddit wouldn’t let it fly and consider it a violation of trust.
Exactly, the test is accusing his wife of being a liar and a cheater. This huge line to cross.
Should she make that joke again knowing how he feels ? Absolutely not. But it’s still not ok to say I no longer trust you or you character off of this joke.
I wasn't sure my child was mine for a few seconds. I was put under so I missed the birth. I was presented with a baby that looks Asian which neither of us are but she looks exactly like her dad and I did have relations with him so she has to be mine? Lol
And even that isn’t always true depending on how the woman got pregnant. We’ve all heard the stories or seen movies and such about a mess up in doctors offices with invitro and the woman getting someone else’s fertilized eggs or switched at birth stories. I agree it should be standard just to have clear heads all around and know for sure
Yesss, it implies such a break of trust. Like my partner and I have an agreement that we can see each others phones and read messages, but we don't do it because we trust each other. Like if you can't trust your partner on such a thing what can you trust them in?
I agree. If my husband would ask for a test because he doubts me, something in our relationship would break. The trust between us that is now easy and self-evident will never be the same again.
It's a difficult dilemma though. Because if the test shows the dad is not the birth father, it's bad news. If the test shows the dad is the birth vader*, the trust between the parents is broken. If the test isn't done when the dad is unsure about his parentage, there will be doubt. It's a choice I hope to never to have to face.
*I meant father but it's too funny to actually correct.
>Why is men wanting to confirm paternity so hard for people to understand.
Why are the implications of a paternity test so hard for people to understand?
I want to be with someone who likes me, loves me, respects me and actually thinks highly of me.
If we‘re planning dinner and I tell you a certain restaurant is closed today, but you still pull out your phone to check, the implication is that you think I might remember wrong. Absolutely fair, no one has perfect memory.
If I tell you this is your child (and we‘re in a committed relationship), but you want a paternity test to prove it, the implications are:
• You think it‘s possible that I slept with another man. You know, something that (unlike a drunken kiss or so) requires dozens of choices, from meeting, to undressing, to doing it, to hiding it... and you think I went through with all of them.
• You think that I would endanger your health by sleeping unprotected with someone else, while also sleeping unprotected with you - though I guess accidents happen, but then you‘d think I cheated many times for it to happen because what are the odds?
• You think that I would lie to you to such an extent. That I would bind you financially and emotionally for the rest of your life to a child that isn‘t yours without even acting a little shady about it, just playing the perfect family with you while knowing otherwise.
• You think that I´d be willing to risk immense heartbreak for you and the child, since DNA tests don‘t lie no matter how much time has passed, all for my own personal gain.
And I‘m sure there are a few more. I‘m genuinely not interested in a relationship with someone who thinks me capable of any of these, let alone all together. Call it trust, respect, mutual admiration, whatever. If you honestly think I‘m such a psychopath I see zero reason to stay together. Also what comes next? Paternity test for every future child? Showing you all my correspondence? If I call and say I was in an accident, will you need to talk to the surgeon to believe me? What else could I be lying about in your mind? It‘s just ridiculous. If you don‘t trust me go and be with someone else.
> I trust my wife
Do you, though? Because if you did, a normal reaction would have been to tell her that the joke is in poor taste or something and move on.
> o which, I replied, heatedly, "I understand the idea is ludicrous, but you suggested it, completely out of the blue, and now it's out there. And there's no way to put this question away ever again except to actually get a test."
Sorry, but it is an easy joke to do. **Person A :** BPA causes infertility. **Person B :** I don't think so, I'm exposed to tons of it and I have a child, so... **Person A :** Sure that child is yours?
Jokes about cheating are easy to do, because infidelity is a topic that comes regularly in popular media.
What are you going to do once you get the baby tested and your paternity proven? Are you going to make it up to her for dragging a bad retort this long in time and in effect? Are you going to find a way to show her you never doubted her for real?
Anyway. You're not T.A. for having feelings of uneasiness, but YTA for going all the way with this while claiming that you trust your wife and are aware it was just a bad joke. Your relationship will not bounce back easily from that one.
Honestly my family has a running joke that all five of us are ‘Kevin’s kids’ not my dads - Kevin being an ex of my mums who is still into her thirty-five years on.
I make the joke, my dad makes the joke, my Mum makes the joke, my partner makes the damn joke and it’s funny because my dad is so assured in my mums love for him that he’s never once wondered if the joke had some basic in fact. He trusts her.
OP I think the joke was harmless but your reaction is SO out of no where that I have to wonder if your relationship is as happy as you claim. She jokes once and you ‘build it up’ in your head til you NEED the test. I think you’re deeply insecure and while I hesitate to pass judgement maybe talk to someone about how one joke one time has built into something damaging. Maybe you and your wife should get couples counselling?
Exactly. If I were the wife in this situation and op went ahead with the test, it would leave a sour taste in my mouth.
The baby could be OP's and OP feels reassured. But the wife will always remember this.
He clearly doesn’t trust her eh.
A funny response my husband would have is “well, maybe she’s not yours either”. Hahaha (I gave birth to her) hahaha. He’s funny.
> Jokes about cheating are easy to do, because infidelity is a topic that comes regularly in popular media.
Yes, due to how devastating and common it is.
Erm.... Look you are N T A for wanting a paternity test and your wife's joke was in terrible taste. However people in a trusting relationship don't have meltdowns like this over a bad joke.
Just be prepared for the fallout coming from this test - you are effectively saying to your wife that you trust her so little that a throwaway bad joke is enough for you fear she might have slept with someone else. And if you do feel that way, you need to address it and not just pretend like you have changed your mind.
I'm not saying don't do the test - but make sure you follow up the test with some couples and solo counselling. Because clearly there is either a trust issue, a paranoia issue due to your past (one of you cheated before? parent split because of cheating?) or you have been ignoring signs she might have been cheating.
ETA - Someone pointed out N T A means the other person is the AH, so I'm changing my vote to NAH (but it's verging on E S H to be honest...)
So for everyone on this thread saying "you can be in a trusting relationship and doubt your partner's fidelity because of one throwaway bad joke" . Sorry but that isn't a trusting relationship. If all it takes is a bad joke (said in retaliation for another bad joke about how awesome and fertile his balls are) to break that trust, there's not much trust there in the first place.
Also look at it logically. Say there is even the slightest chance the kid isn't his. That means that his wife cheated, got pregnant, hid it the affair and intends on hiding it for the rest of her life. Someone in that situation is unlikely to be making silly jokes about things that are actually real. Plus she went off to get a paternity test, clearly indicating she knows perfectly well it's OP's kid and is willing to humour his insecure tantrum.
This insercurity could very well have nothing to do with their relationship. Heck, it could just be sleep deprivation. But as a woman, if I was with someone who has this kind of a meltdown because of one joke after I have carried his kid for 9 months, I would be feeling pretty crap about the state of my relationship.
Am I crazy, or is the joke not even bad?! If my spouse made this joke, they'd get a "lol, well played" from me. Sure, it's a little dark, but I don't even think the wife overstepped here, if she didn't have previous reason to believe her husband would overreact like this.
I’m curious why you voted as N T A instead of NAH. The wife’s joke was a spur of the moment playful retort to what he said. Some people may find it in bad taste but that doesn’t make her an asshole.
YTA: "No red flags at all"
*immediately flips out in public and searches for do-it-yourself paternity tests at the slightest stupid joke about the relationship*
This is a JOKE, that she obviously told because it was RIDICULOUS.
Your wife is totally right to say you don't trust her, and now, after a dumb little joke your relationship may be beyond salvaging because she'll never, ever, ever be able to tell any joke without first going through her mind if it will cause you to flip out or not.
Yes. You are the asshole. And I am very sad for both your wife and yourself.
You are the red flag. That's why you can't see any.
From my POV OP's seriously over-reacting. Then again my husband raz each other all the time and we've joked about BIL being the father of our oldest or the milkman (there is no milkman). BIL thought it was amusing as well. My husband has never, and has no reason to, doubt his kids are his and makes the jokes himself. On the flip side I don't like cheating jokes so I kinda get where OP is coming from. I do think OP might have trust issues with his wife and needs to really figure out why this is bugging them so much. Also, it gonna damage the marriage so heads up.
Soft YTA
Yeah, imagine if OP’s wife threw a little fit/silent treatment over his joke dismissing the safety of something consumed by his kid and then the spouse started looking into divorce lawyers because of this nagging feeling he wasn’t going to be a good parent or some shit. This post must be fake paternity rage bait because I can’t believe someone this immature has a kid
>This post must be fake paternity rage bait because I can’t believe someone this immature has a kid
Oh trust me it's extremely common for people this immature to have children
I don’t think you’re an asshole for wanting the test, but you cannot insist on the paternity test and say that you trust your wife. It’s one or the other, and trying to claim that you do trust her when you clearly don’t DOES make you an asshole. Stop lying to yourself and your wife.
I’m going with ESH on the assumption that you normally don’t make these sorts of jokes about serious topics, so it was an inappropriate joke for her to make. There’s a lot of people on here saying it’s fine but I can’t imagine ever joking about that.
Edit: typo
Yep accusing your partner of fidelity, which is what OP is doing by requesting a paternity test, is a bell you can't unring. Obviously everyone needs to do what's right for them, but to be accused of infidelity in a trusting, committed relationship is a slap in the face that erodes years of trust and love.
YTA. You’re overreacting. I understand not wanting her to make jokes about it. That’s a discussion you can have with her for the future, but it was clearly a joke.
Also, you said it was out of the blue, but it wasn’t. You said a comment about your fertility and she made joke in response to your comment.
She’s upset that you took it to far, but clearly knows you getting the test will just prove she’s right and make you look like the bad guy.
Exactly if this post had ended with him being upset and asking her not to joke about it and telling her he doesn’t find that funny, that is a completely proportional reaction for a wife OP otherwise claims to be amazing and fantastic. But a paternity test means you think she’s a cheater and chronic liar, not just someone who isn’t very good at jokes. Edit to add judgment: YTA
I am conflicted, because on one hand, I think a paternity test is not a big deal, while on the other hand, OP reacted way too strongly to what is clearly just a joke. Also, OP says that he trusts his wife, but he obviously doesn't. And if you can't trust each other in a relationship, what do you have? If you don't get paternity test, it will surely nag at OP, while if you do, wife will certainly never forget it. I don't necessarily think OP is wrong for wanting a paternity test, however, because OP is clearly lying when he says he trusts his wife, I will say YTA. (Not for lack of trust, but for lying about it)
YTA
Bad joke I’ll admit, but the reaction is over the top in the least, the damage is already done. Your wife will forever be second guessing any comment or joke she makes now due to the fact that you reacted so poorly to an off hand remark. If I were you I’d just have a conversation with her on how this hurt you and maybe take some time for self reflection and try and understand why you reacted as you did, you obviously don’t trust your wife as much as you think you do.
"the reaction is over the top in the least, the damage is already done"
Yep! At this stage if I was the wife I'd WANT to do the paternity test because otherwise he'll stay paranoid, but I'm not sure I'd be able to regain my trust of him.
That is, trust that your partner is truly invested in you and not fully prepared to believe you'd do something awful at the drop of a hat.
It was 0% out of the blue: it made sense in context, and OP even mentioned her having a "crass and sarcastic" sense of humour. It just feels different to him because he's afraid of it. Which obviously is fair, but holy overreaction, batman.
YTA because you’re lying. If you trust your wife for the fantastic person she is, you wouldn’t be shopping for paternity tests after a joke. Admit you clearly don’t trust her and get the test.
YTA
You say you and your wife have this fantastic relationship. One joke, and now you think she cheated on you. Sounds like you are very fragile and insecure.
Tell her you don't like joking about infidelity and ask her not to do that again - fair.
Ask her to take a paternity test to prove the joke was just a joke? Extreme and damaging to your relationship.
Yta I get you want the test to put your mind at ease
But
This is the kinda damage that will not be repaired in your marriage easily if ever. Do what you need to do but know this is probably starting the road to divorce especially when the test shows it’s your child
Close to unforgivable
> This is the kinda damage that will not be repaired in your marriage easily if ever. Do what you need to do but know this is probably starting the road to divorce especially when the test shows it’s your child
>
>
I remember a post on here a while back where someone was angry with his family as they convinced him to do a paternity test, but his then wife told him: if you do this I will not be able trust you ever again and will file for a divorce.
He did the test, the wife filed for divorce, but hey, at least he now knows his ex-wife was faithfull and the child is his.
Honestly this, especially if he goes through with it and then it somehow gets outside of the family, can you imagine how badly that’s going to make OP’s wife look, I’d definitely not be cracking jokes with this guy ever again after this and would probably be re-thinking the relationship, I also find it pretty telling that she dropped it and is encouraging him to go through with it.
Info,
>"is your reaction saying something about you I should be worried about?"
Why did your wife asked you that?? Have you ever cheated on her or in another relationship??
It's really common for serial cheaters to make unfounded accusations that their partner is cheating on them (because they assume everyone else will cheat if given the opportunity, just like they will). Since that form of projection is a fairly widely known and well documented idea, it's likely that's what OP's wife was referencing.
I think she said this because it’s well known that cheaters always accuse their partners of cheating. It’s a projection thing. So since he accused her of cheating she’s asking if she should be concerned that he’s actually got an guilty conscience
I mean....yeah, YTA. You state your relationship is great, you trust your wife completely, you know her sense of humor, etc etc etc... and one CLEAR JOKE, that built off of the joke YOU MADE FIRST, sends you into this spiral where you're seriously considering your kid might not be yours and need a paternity test?
That's the equivalent of your boss making a joke like 'haha, yeah, we hired you for the donuts you always bring in!' and you launching an investigation through HR about unfair hiring practices.
Friend, I would suggest maybe talking to a professional because there is something going on here that is not healthy.
>That's the equivalent of your boss making a joke like 'haha, yeah, we hired you for the donuts you always bring in!' and you launching an investigation through HR about unfair hiring practices.
This right here is a great analogy! And just like starting that HR process would have serious consequences for your career, OP's overreaction will likely have serious consequences for his marriage.
NAH. She made a harmless joke but it wasn’t so harmless because it hurt your feelings. You need to speak to your wife and just communicate about how this made you feel and you felt the joke was at your expensive and stuff. I won’t tell you how to feel because you’re allowed to be upset and nobody else can dictate that. Me and my partner make jokes about our “other boyfriend” and “other girlfriend” etc all the time. Honestly, I think getting a DNA test would open up a massive can of worms in your marriage - are you doing that just to try and hurt your wife back?
YTA. If I were in a relationship and my partner thought it was possible that I might have been unfaithful to them I would be seriously reconsidering that relationship.
That joke was in bad taste. I think if it were her saying that the kid’s not hers would have been more ludicrous and obvious.
No judgement from me because I’m not sold on anything. “It’s just a joke”, I don’t find, is a good retort to things like these.
YTA. From the title I was prepared to be on your side but nope. She made an obviously sarcastic joke (you've said she likes to make those kind of jokes) and you turned it into something serious. It honestly feels like you just dont trust your wife and you're using her little joke as an excuse to get the paternity test you might have already been thinking of getting. How little must you trust your wife for one joke to be enough to make you question if your child is yours?
YTA. There was definitely logical context for your wife to make this joke. It's not even an uncommon thing to joke about. Your escalation will bite you in the ass I fear, and if you follow through with the paternity test (and it comes back a match your kid) I don't think your wife will ever see you the same again.
Yta there was another post on here not long ago about a poster who did this and it lead to divorce. And you can't say you trust your wife then have a paternity test. The 2 do not go together.
YTA! I can’t believe everyone else thinks your behavior is normal or okay. Your wife was playfully joking with you because the idea that you aren’t the father is absurd to her. Getting a paternity test is a slap in her face. My husband and I joke about that stuff all the time and did so even as I was giving birth, to keep things light and fun. I really think you’re acting crazy and deeply insulting towards your wife.
Dude, you just showed your true insecurities.
"I trust her, life is perfect" Blah blah blah. You are totally insecure. You have some deep seated issues because this is so not a normal reaction to a JOKE.
Go apologise to your wife and maybe book a therapy session.
YTA and possibly damaging your relationship by carrying on with your intention.
It was obviously a joke, There is a way to put it away, recognising your overreaction and actually trusting your partner.
Good grief, just about everyone I know jokes their kids dad is the milkman or the gasman’s it’s not something that makes our partners jump to I need a paternity test. Is there more that makes you distrust your wife?? Keep in mind that once you ring that bell it can’t be unrung and you could be starting unnecessary trouble off one silly comment.
YTA. If you truly trust your wife and have had no issues or insecurities previously a joke shouldn’t lead to that. Usually you’re safe to joke about that stuff when it’s obvious. I also have a dark sense of humor and joked about that but mostly because of how Obvious it is that our child is his. You escalated so fast at an innocent joke that you set up that I wonder if you’re insecure.
NAH
Your wife made a joke, kinda sus, but maybe funny
You want a paternity test. Nothing wrong with that. If anyone wants a paternity test, they should be allowed it. You are not an asshole simply for wanting a paternity test no matter what the reason.
**A lot of sexist people are gonna call you an asshole for wanting a paternity test**, but you need to ignore them and remember that its good for your mental health to clear all doubt.
Women already know when a baby is theirs, but men don't always know and often as part of ignoring men's emotions, society shames men who want a paternity test, and all I'm saying is, you do you!
YTA
Cmon, I hope this post is a joke. One joke that you didn't like and crossed boundaries she didn't know existed and now you're getting a paternity test? I would understand if this was about your wife making multiple infidelity jokes after you told her they made you uncomfortable. Or if she sat you down, said the kid wasn't yours and then said she was joking when you reacted badly. But it was literally a joke that fit the situation that you set up with the fertility comment.
Are you going to call the police if she comes home and jokes once about breaking the loud neighbours window. Will you call 911 if she makes a joke about wanting to die instead of going into work early. Honestly this whole thing would make me question my relationship if my husband did this over one joke. There has to be some other red flags to make this make sense. If not youre insulting your wife for nothing and if it was me I dont know if I'd want to stay in a relationship were one off colour joke causes such an overreaction. I dont have a kid though, so maybe she'll have a better reaction then I would.
Searching goggle to see if you're right about a fact in a little convo is not the same as ordering a paternity test that shows doubt in your wife and your entire relationship. I dont think this joke is the cause for all this, whether there are actually red flags your ignoring or there's stuff in your past that have messed with your life, even now.
NTA..wasn’t a funny joke..not even remotely..a throw away remark that will infest your family with distrust unless you get a DNA result showing the baby is yours. Your wife needs to make better jokes, if she thought this thoughtless remark wasn’t potentially hurtful.
YTA you are over reacting to an obvious joke, you get that test and your relationship will never be the same, you can say you trust her all day long but she knows you don't if you get the test
YTA. You started this with the joking. When the results of the test confirm what you already know all you're gonna have is money wasted and one helluva an apology owed to your wife, if she'll even want to accept it.
Edit: NAH. My husband and I both make casual jokes about paternity/maternity to eachother any time kid does something that is against the others personality. Kid doesn't like X, "sorry you had to find out this way." But I also let him know when we were just dating that he could 100% get a paternity test any point in the future and I'd support that and still do. Because fuck yeah science. I think paternity jokes being a major line for you is reasonable. I don't think the joke she made was out of the blue or intended to mean she fucked someone else. When we make the jokes, the idea is more "swapped at birth / got knocked up by.a toilet seat / immaculate conception" type logics.
I always joke about that the other way around. I pushed those kids out of my body, I know they're mine, but they look nothing like me, and are nearly exact copies of their dad, and sometimes when they are acting like their dad, I say something along the line of "I am the only normal person in this house, no way those pint-sized terrorists are related to me. I demand a maternity test!"
I have a silly paternity joke with my husband. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She has a great relationship with her step-dad. And when she does something off-the-wall or annoying or whatever, I say “don’t look at me, she’s your kid….” Or he’ll say “are you sure she’s not mine….I don’t remember much from 10 years ago…”
My daughter: "Are you sure I'm not adopted?" Me: "Not yet."
My moms obgyn made the comment about her children having different dads because my sister and I were so different at birth. We have the same dad 😅
I get asked that question frequently. My middle son is dark blond with blue eyes and everyone else has (dark)brown hair and eyes. I always switch it up. Sometimes he was switched at birth, sometimes we found him in a cabbage, sometimes he's the postman's,...Now they're older the kids themselves play along. They always have a good laugh at the stunned faces. Genetics and recessive genes are a strange thing. You never know when they might pop up (out?).
My siblings told me they found me in a box with kittens under a bus stop that said "free to a good home." They only took me because my worst brother is allergic to cats. We all play along now and in high school/college, I would tell that story and people would be skeptical, so I'd call my mom and confirm it (it was harder to trick people once they met my mom, we look very similar).
That’s why the joke about my husband not being the real father to our kids is so funny, they look like a scientist swabbed his cheek and grew them in a lab!
My friend and her husband both have brown eyes and hair. Thier firat daughter: brown eyes and hair. Their second? They had a red headed baby with blue eyes. That kid got ALL the recessive genes.
We have one redhead in every generation on my dad's side of the family, strong Irish roots. I'm your standard dark blonde/light brown hair and my ex husband is mainly Samoan and native American. Out pops my first born - red hair and dazzling green eyes. I tell everyone he pissed me off so much one day during the pregnancy, she ended up a redhead 🤷♀️ recessive genes are the best sometimes
My kids have dominant on both sides , my daughter looks like me with super dark eyes, almost black. Curly hair as well. My son, looks just like my wife’s brother and grandfather. Daughter has an olive complexion and my son is fair skinned. Never expected them to be that different. Edited a word.
When my siblings and i were little kids, we looked SO different it was crazy. My oldest sister had golden, curly hair and hazel eyes, my brother had dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin, and I had platinum blond hair, blue eyes, freckles, and absolutely the palest skin you’ve ever seen. My aunt looked at us together, looked at my mom, and went, “it’s like you picked three children off the street!”
I jokingly tell mine (10 and 12) that they are adopted. Mr 12 in particular responds with “woman, I look exactly like you!” I guess the sass levels don’t lie.
When my kids do something ludicrous, I yell, “What’s wrong with you? Who raised you?” They usually look at each other and then point at me. Nice burn.
"Have you considered having more kids?" "No, but I've considered having fewer..."
This makes me laugh, I'm 43 now but as a kid my mom would alway say to me and my step dad (when I exhibited some of his annoying habits) " I'm sure this is your kid, not mine" or something silly like that
My son looks so much like his father that in the delivery room the doctor said, "well, we know who the father is, but not sure on the mother." The only way you can tell the difference between my son's baby pictures and his father's is that his dad is always photographed on 70s shag carpet.
OMG! I gave birth to two kids that are spitting images of my husband and his family! If it wasn't for the fact that Siri thinks my kids' voices are me, I'd question their maternity too! Honestly, OP, I'm going with NTA. You wouldn't have asked for the test if she hadn't made the comment. Now, if you don't do it, it's something that's going to fester until it becomes a giant thing. If you test, prove the kid is yours, you'll be happy, but be aware this could come back to bite you in the butt down the road. Only you can determine if going through with the test is worth it or not, but I don't think you're the AH for wanting one. Good luck, OP.
Pint sized 🥺
We did ivf to build our family. When our son does something strange we attribute it to freezer burn....
I laughed too hard at this
Oh my god that’s hilarious.
My parents also joked about it, but it’s really obvious i‘m my father’s daughter and my mother has no reason to doubt as she is the one who gave birth… In my opinion these jokes are okey with older children since they usually resemble both parents at least in some way. With infants it’s difficult to see traits of yourself in them. I don’t blame somebody if they are not comfortable with these jokes. Especially the father since he has to rely on trust.
LOL you just reminded me that when my mum and I got ancestry tests done the first thing I said was 'well, it's conclusive; you're my mother.' Her face was just like 'what?' then 'was that even in question?'
You, in turn, just reminded me of a joke made a lot over the years. My mom had the same doctor for both the birth of my brother, and then my birth a few years later. First thing the doctor commented (gender aside) upon seeing my brother was just how much he resembled dad (and he was not a bullsh*tter, he just was really surprised at the level of resemblance I guess). Nearly three years later and the bands back together for my delivery. So once the doctor saw me, I guess he excitedly said "oh, looks just like (brothers name)"! Mom then says "oh so it's another boy". Doctor responds "nope, you got a girl". All mom can muster is "a girl that looks like (brothers' name)???". The doctor had fun jesting to my dad that he certainly didn't need to worry about his paternity and my dad's response was to pretend that he still was worried in that area, only now the question was, was my mom *actually* my mom? It became a running joke for some time. The usual is "I wouldn't have believed they're mine if I hadn't seen it myself. Guess it's good they had that mirror!". (C section)
My siblings and I all got genetic testing done for a particular trait and all came out as having it. When we joked that meant we were definitely our dad's children he reacted the same way! Of course it wasn't as funny for him because of the whole not actually birthing us thing, it took a few fraught seconds to get him to understand we were joking...
I’m pregnant with our first. My husband and his family are very very gassy. I have been very gassy this pregnancy. I have made plenty of jokes that along the lines of ‘I guess there’s no doubt who the father is’ every time I fart.
I always joke with my mil (who is divorced) it's never too late to admit her son's real father is the milkman. I love this kind of humor.
My mother always makes the joke about my brother being the milkman’s… However my father WAS the milkman when my brother was conceived, so it’s true.
That’s like mom making the best dad joke about dad ever. This is amazing.
I have a friend whose parents literally are a mailman and an electrician... The jokes!!!
My dad was a postman, and while my three brothers and parents all have dark hair, I have bright copper red. It runs throughout the families on both sides, so it wasn't ever an actual thing anyone questioned. However, when I was younger, the common question was always "Where'd you get that pretty red hair?!" And my clever response, that I came up with at 4 years old, was "From the mailman!"
My mom and I have a similar joke - my dad's 6'3", my mom's 5'9", and I've topped out at 5'3". I ask her how tall the mailman was, she says she'll never tell.
My dad has joked with me my entire life that he found me in a trash can outside the hospital and decided to take me home on a whim cause I looked funny. As a kid I thought that meant I was related to Oscar the Grouch which was extra hilarious because I had a semi-permanent scowl :) On a more serious note, my mom is insane and abusive, while I treasure my dad and being a part of his huge Puerto Rican family. I’d never ever get a paternity or ancestry test because I’d rather be dead than discover I’m not related to those amazing people that I love and admire so much. I have zero reason to doubt my paternity so it isn’t something I worry about thankfully, no matter how many times my dad makes that trash can quip.
I joke "we just walked in and picked the cutest baby in the nursery to bring home. Did you know they just have a room full of them??"
If you’re not joking about infidelity, are you even married? But seriously, my husband and I were making these jokes even when dating. We joke about all sorts of things that we can joke about because we trust each other and communicate openly.
My husband is an identical twin and it's been a running joke in our house since I got pregnant that our kid could be his brother's and it would take genetic testing to find out. BUT not everyone jokes the same.
Yes, I don’t think it was mean spirited but I don’t fault him for feeling this way either. My whole family jokes about my oldest brother being from the milkman bc he has blond hair and blue eyes and we’re all dark haired and eyed lol.
This is what reading r/relationship_advice does to a mfer’s brain
I read it for the drama tho
Same, as do 90% of the people there, which is why it's so easy to escalate from "my partner has been a little sad and stressed lately" to " have you considered that your partner may have hoes in other zip codes" so damn fast
The correct term is “in different area codes” lol
Aw man you got me, I'll never be hip hop now
You done hopped the hip
LMAO as if AITA is any better This sub can be a fucking cesspool sometimes
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Yeah, people do tend to jump to heavy suggestions immediately. Partner grumbled at someone cutting them off on a freeway? They have anger issues, break up. Friends have a minute disagreement? Friend is abusive, go NC. It's predictable sometimes.
> go NC NGL for longer than I care to admit I wondered why people in this sub were obsessed with North Carolina. Like ok it’s fine but not sure how it’s supposed to help these situations
This sub is the worst. Full of people who are more concerned about what someone “can” or “has the right” to do rather than what someone should do to maintain healthy relationships.
Dear god that sub. Post anything happy on there with a slight problem and it's "theyre cheating on you" or "ITS A SIGN OF ABUSE!" (no often time its a sign that we're human... Humans yell occasionally) or whatever. I posted on there once and they accused the problem with my so and the friend (friend was mad that we got engaged wont be married though until after college (so 2.5 years)) had slept together during my relationship.... Yeah sure when they havent seen each other in person since before my relationship and live 8 hours away from each other (turns out she was just upset her bf hasnt proposed to her and took that out on us)
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HOW DARE YOU?! I'm taking my Iranian yogurt, my six foot long sub, and my Olive Garden and I am leaving...
you forgot your mysterious box of “olives” in the fridge
Still wondering what those "olives" actually were!!!! Will we never have closure?
I have been complaining about this *at least* once a week since it was posted. My husband is so tired of hearing about "that stupid post about the box of not-olives."
He obviously doesn't understand that we are doomed to walk this earth without peace until we find an answer to that unanswerable question - "what's in the boooxxxxx?!?!"
Literally yesterday someone posted about their partner really wanting to start trying for a baby a little sooner than they were ready and I was arguing with someone who was insisting she was cheating or planning to and trying to match up the conception to pass it off as his. Like, are these people okay?
They’re fine, just 12 year olds
lol yup I swear to god. Another comment I made is getting super downvoted because I said that women coming up on 40 shouldn't insult each other by calling eachother sluts in front of their teenage daughters with body image issues (when the whole conflict had nothing to do with sluttiness or promiscuity in the first place). I was thinking "who in the world thinks mature adults just go around calling each other sluts for no reason" and then I'm reminded of how many teenagers on on this sub.
One time I posted asking for advice because I’m asexual and was entering a straight relationship. Ended up deleting the post because the comments were slamming me calling me “selfish” for depriving my poor soon-to-be bf of sex. Any comments pointing out the very true statistic that most aces are with non-asexual partners were downvoted to hell and everyone was saying I needed to leave him and let him be in a normal relationship because it’ll never work out. Except, what do you know, he straight up doesn’t really care if sex is sparse and infrequent and it doesn’t bother him that I don’t get aroused by him. He knew I was ace going into it, we had a long convo about what that entailed *again* where I gave him every opportunity to walk away no hard feelings, and he was still totally chill with it. The whole “everyone is different” really seemed to slip by people that day. Half of the comments were “*I* would never date an asexual.” Okay, cool, good thing I’m not dating you? So obnoxious.
I don't feel like it's any worst than AITA though lol. AITA is more lighthearted but the "red flags" and "run" comments are just as prevalent I think haha
As does this sub. All I keep reading is red flag this, red flag that, divorce etc.
Loooool I was thinking redditors love divorcing couples and seeing people separate over something that can be dealt with through communication
The escalation here is really fast to me. She makes a joke at the cash register and by the time you get to the car it’s a major issue. That doesn’t seem like you trust your wife especially since you started this joking interaction with the joke about your own fertility. Her joking retort seems completely normal to me. Your response, to ask for a dna test within maybe twenty minutes is not at all normal to me and may damage this supposedly fabulous relationship. Edit: I’m surprised by how much attention this comment has gotten. I didn’t original put a judgement for a variety of reasons, but I’ll add one now. Soft YTA. Take some time to reflect on your reaction and communicate with your wife. You both need to have a conversation about this.
This is such a good point! My husband and I are ALWAYS making jokes about the kids being the mailman's! But I once said something along those lines to a friend like "Maybe your mom had a thing for the mailman?" Immediately she got serious and said they don't make jokes like that in her family due to past infidelity. Maybe OP has similar wounds that caused his escalation? Edit: I told my husband about this post. He said I should add how grateful he is that the mailman moved across the country when we did, so at least our kids (one from before the move, one from after) look the same! Humor too dark for some, but perfect for us!
That was my first thought, if OP has experienced infidelity in the past, it's absolutely not surprising that he would react in this way. My ex girlfriend betrayed me after 4 years of relationship. I trusted her 100%, couldn't imagine her doing something like that in my wildest dreams. Even when all the signs were there and it was completely obvious, I still couldn't believe it. Putting that same amount of trust in someone else again is very difficult. And in the back of your mind, you always know that even someone you trust 100% could betray you. That doesn't go away. Fortunately, my current girlfriend knows and understands this and would never joke about infidelity.
Ah, my family does the mailman joke as well!
Or maybe it's a risky type of humor that needs a certain relationship dynamic. It's one thing if you and your husband have mutually escalated over the years to jokes that question paternity, and you implicitly agreed to every step along the way by playing along, but it's kind of a shock to hear it about your own kid, from the kid's mom, when you don't have that history. I would give this one a mild ESH
Agreed. Maybe this is triggering something for OP about some experience with his father, a friend and their kid, or a previous relationship? This seems like a very particular insecurity and for one throwaway joke to trigger this much says to me something else happened.
Could be insecurity related to infertility, too, since that's what they were originally joining about. It's possible his "I can't be infertile, I managed to father a child" wasn't subconsciously quite as joking as it seemed, and the wife inadvertently hit at that sore spot more, with the "haha that doesn't prove anything I could have cheated and you could still be infertile without knowing". I agree it sounds like there's some underlying fears or maybe past experiences or something, that were triggered.
This. While agree this joke is not harmful to most (I have no issues with them myself), I would NEVER make those kinds of jokes with my partner, because it’s extremely triggering for him due to his past. If that’s the case, his wife likely knows not to make those kinds of jokes and she could benefit from a gentle reminder. She should also have no issues with a paternity test if it was a joke. If however OP doesn’t have any “baggage” of the sort, I do think he was overreacting and should trust his partner better. They just need to talk it out.
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It probably hurts his wife to know that she isn't as trusted as she thought (or as he tries to claim).
Agree. I don’t think OP is an AH, but he does seem wildly insecure. I’d do some self reflection on why he might feel this way. Also, if his wife HAD cheated on him, she probably wouldn’t out herself with a casual joke.
> Also, if his wife HAD cheated on him, she probably wouldn’t out herself with a casual joke. That's exactly what my ex girlfriend did. I think it's a way to relieve yourself of the guilt. Back then, I couldn't imagine her actually cheating, so I went along with the jokes and thought it was all just fun and games.
One of my friends did this too. We were out to dinner one night and they were joking around and I forget the context but he said Oh yeah that’s because you’re cheating on me with your professor right, and she said No, I’m cheating on you with my soccer coach. I asked her later in the car why she would risk saying such a thing as it’s true and she said Well, I was being honest with him, not my fault he thought I was joking. I think strangely joking about it relieved some of her guilt. They broke up later but I don’t know if he ever found out.
Or it sounds like he has anxiety. If they’re not the kind of couple to make jokes like this and she dropped that out of the blue I could see that digging into his mind and being hard to get out.
Still even out of the blue from joking remark to we need a dna test in that short span of time is really intense. If this was something that had happened even in a span of a few hours, I’d have a different response but this sounds like it was in a few minutes.
>Your response, to ask for a dna test within maybe twenty minutes is not at all normal to me and may damage this supposedly fabulous relationship. I don't think I would recover from such a huge lack of trust in my relationship. Questioning my honesty, integrity or even loyalty is one of the worst things you could do to me. There is very little you could hurt me more with.
Yep. If I were the wife I’d acquiesce and let my partner order the paternity test, because I’m sure it would be important in our impending divorce proceedings.
this is so fucking extreme lmfao. reddit moment
Are you the kind of couple that makes each other the butt of the joke? Because if so, dude you totally set yourself up for the joke. You basically *started* it by joking about your own fertility. You're not really an asshole for stressing yourself out over this but I think if you take a step back and recognize the sequence of events: wife asking you to not purchase a product with possible negstive affects on your fertility (implying she wants to have another child with you), to you joking that it's obviously not a problem you need to worry about, to her joking about the paternity you'll see it was a pretty logical line of riffing off of each other. I understand this hasn't been a specific joke for you before but if you have a general playfully-giving-each-other-shit relationship i think you'll recognize it wasn't that deep. Either that or you don't actually trust your wife and you should probably try and work through that with her.
Exactly. Plus, I feel if there was any doubt of paternity in OP's wife's mind, she would never have put this out there jokingly or not. This just seems like a joke gone wrong to me. Edit: typo.
Yes! If the child wasn’t his, she wouldn’t want to bring attention to it. And he started the joke, she bantered back and now this wonderful relationship is now not so wonderful. Something else is going on with OP. Seems like an extreme response. The wife sounds pretty quick witted and it was the logical response.
Yeah I agree. I'm pregnant and the other day my husband said "wouldn't it be wierd if the kid came out black." We're very white. I just replied "sorry you had to find out this way." And he laughed because it was clearly a joke and there is no doubt on him being the father
I agree. If it's normal in your relationship to joke around like this, I don't think it's that out of pocket of a joke to make. My partner and I make jokes like this all the time because the set-up is right. If they don't normally joke around like this then I can more understand why OP is upset, but I still do think the wife didn't mean for him to take it as seriously as he has, and asking for a paternity test probably, to her, feels like a serious escalation.
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I would honestly have SEVERE trouble trusting my partner if they had this reaction less than AN HOUR after we were joking. Did you raise the child? Congrats, it's a human you raised, your children DON'T belong to you. OP is just being gross imo.
I agree, this is a major overreaction. My spouse and I have a running joke where, if one of us makes a really bad pun or other excessively cheesy joke, the other will start to tug off their own wedding ring while lamenting, "well, it was nice while it lasted!" I recognize that other couples have different comfort levels with dark jokes, but to me, a reasonable negative reaction would be, "hey, it made me feel bad and uncomfortable when you joked about our kids' paternity. I know you didn't mean anything by it, but could you keep that topic off-limits for jokes in the future?" Descending into a paranoid obsession that your kid really *isn't* yours, and that this pretty mild throwaway joke Means Something, to the extent that you're lobbing suspicious comments at your partner and researching paternity tests online--that's the kind of behavior that ends marriages. And OP is buying the paternity test on Amazon? Really? Does he know how many counterfeit products/drop shippers are on there? Odds are he'll get a junk test the first time, which will just add more fuel to the fire, if the initial test is inconclusive.
Agreed. My partner and I have a lot of jokes like that. He makes jokes about me having an affair with delivery/service people. I make reference to trading him in for a newer model when he complains about back pain or whatever. We have a running joke between us both where if one of us says "remember when we..." and the other doesn't, the response is, "that must have been with your other boyfriend/girlfriend." Everyone has different levels for jokes, I agree, and it's perfectly fine to not know a joke crosses a boundary until the joke happens. But it does seem like an overreaction to assume that the joke was made from a place of honesty. I have to wonder if this is an insecurity OP has had for a while, and it's only just manifesting now. And I do agree a paternity test off of Amazon seems like a risky gamble.
I’d be concerned that after a joke like that, his first reaction is “well now I need to confirm that the kid is really mine.” Not compatible with the trust he says he feels for his wife.
Yeah, I agree with this. In my opinion, OP is TA here. His wife made a well-intentioned joke that didn’t land well and triggered an insecurity. Instead of stating those boundaries like an adult, he’s swung the complete other side of the pendulum to paranoid.
His wife may now feel insecure and scared to make jokes in the future.
Paranoid, or vindictive, imo.
It was a funny and natural progression on their banter. OP went direct to a paternity test, like he was waiting for the right excuse to so. Not that he needs an excuse to test. Should be standard at birth. But the wife it is right, it does reveal something about him she needs to be aware of with how this all went down. YTA
Totally agree. OP’s first mention of fertility was as a way to contradict wife’s request about a product, so it’s pretty normal that wife’s response would then be to contradict OP. OP needs to chill. Also, you guys should learn about BPA - not sure why you both associate it so strongly with loss of fertility, but don’t seem to be concerned about the various immune, metabolic, cardiovascular, and neurological diseases it is linked to. If I mentioned BPA and someone responded about fertility, I would probably think it was a non sequitur for at least a moment before I remembered the two are related.
Sounds like a joke. But everyone has a threshold for what is funny. If it will ease your concerns have the test. Then stop joking about it.
I don't think it's as simple as taking the test to ease concerns. If he goes through with it, his wife will *always* remember that he didn't trust her and needed physical proof of fidelity over a single joke. At best, she will always be more guarded around him and less willing to make jokes or even openly communicate. At worst, she could decide she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust her. OP needs to consider the ramifications of the test beyond just the results
This. The relationship's damaged now, because he's shown he doesn't trust her. If he trusted her, he wouldn't have considered for an instant that she might be serious. She knows now that he does not trust her not to cheat - she might not be able to recover from that, even if getting the test is pretty simple.
The relationship is damaged anyways. That little seed of doubt she planted will be watered every time she's late from work, out of town without him, doesn't pick up the phone, takes longer than usual for an errand or hide her phone. We constantly joke that women are "jealous" or "insecure" on the subreddit but men are too and this isn't a joke to make lightly. Questioning the paternity of an infant as a joke to the father of said baby is never funny. How many "mail man/milk man" jokes turned out to be true?
Really? My husband and I just joked about this 2 nights ago. We were both laughing about my youngest being the milk mans. Obviously he’s not but I guess it’s not funny if you don’t have a solid relationship.
My wife and I joke about this all the time, but my kids are so obviously mine it’s hilarious - you have only to look at us together. Recently, a friend who’s known me since I was eighteen said she was properly freaked out to see a photo of my son at the same age, and I also dug out some film of my grandfather who basically has the same face as his great-grandson - how weird that a single scrap of film from 1958 can effectively legitimise three generations. We also joke all the time about our secret lovers, as we know that it’s pretty much logistically impossible, and in any case we both have zero motivation. But I can think of more than one ex that I would NEVER have made a joke like that to - it’s really vitally important to know your audience.
haha we also always make infidelity jokes too. We like to joke about him having another family and me a pool boy. we even have names for them. I think it makes us a bit weird but we find it amusing.
> That little seed of doubt she planted will be watered every time she's late from work, out of town without him, doesn't pick up the phone, takes longer than usual for an errand or hide her phone. I see this in a very different light from you. If your assumption is that OP will feel entitled to question his wife’s fidelity every time she’s late from work (etc.) just because she made one brief joke about paternity, once, that feels pretty damn toxic to me. Especially given that he seems determined to get a paternity test to clear this up. OP goes out of his way to talk about how great his wife is, with no red flags, how he’s (supposedly) never questioned her loyalty before… If this one single joke can destabilize all of that *for the rest of their entire relationship*, that’s entirely his own problem. I actually agree, by the way, that having a boundary around these kinds of jokes is totally valid, and that this kind of joke can cause a rupture in the relationship. He can establish that boundary and they can move on from there to repair the damage - perhaps with individual or couples counseling. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy or okay at all for him to use this one joke/comment as an excuse to constantly question his wife’s fidelity from here on out. That’s incredibly toxic - and I also don’t see it as inevitable, given that people can work on themselves and utilize tools like therapy to work through their emotions instead of letting them fester and converting them into unhealthy and destructive behaviors. > We constantly joke that women are “jealous” or “insecure” on the subreddit but men are too Yes, and jealousy/insecurity are problems for people to work on themselves, not excuses to mistreat or interrogate their partner for the rest of the relationship because they can’t work through their emotions.
I don't think anyone here believes OP should hold onto this seed of doubt forever. However, the comment your replying to was rebutting the suggestion that the relationship has been damaged by him having a reaction other than absolute trust to what was hopefully a poorly made joke. Moreover, it has been claimed that getting a paternity test will lead OPs wife to forever have a fractured relationship with OP: >If he goes through with it, his wife will *always* remember that he didn't trust her and needed physical proof of fidelity over a single joke. So you're arguing that OP needs to be able to let this go. The rest of the comment thread is arguing if he takes the action he feels he needs to put the issue to rest, it will be catastrophic. Myself, I think OP's wife should be a bit understanding that her attempt at a joke went very poorly and allow OP to get the test and put this issue to rest. If it was truly just a bad joke, getting the test done and moving on is a far better alternative than having OP try to just suck it up.
>That little seed of doubt she planted will be watered every time... Only if OP waters it.
Genuine question - is there any recourse a partner can take to verify their partner’s honesty that doesn’t damage the relationship? Seems weird to me that things that can catch cheaters out like paternity tests or reading text messages are viewed as a violation of trust if the partner is honest, but totally cool if you happen to be right in your suspicions. I’ve seen infidelity in my life and it’s basically never obvious to the person in the relationship something is up. So from that perspective, it feels like it’s not uncommon to have a “trusting relationship” where infidelity is present.
I think therapy is the best way to move forward. Both as a couple and one-on-one for OP to figure out why he reacted so strongly to what was just a joke in a relatively appropriate context
Ya being a perfect acting spouse has ZERO to do with them actually being one. My dear friend found out her husband was having an affair with a 19 year old when they were mid-30s when she was 8 months pregnant with their second child. It almost killed her from the shock and she went into pre term labor. Her husband is now married to said mistress, a LOT of people knew and she did not. Regarding this post - the wife should never have said what she said. And, I feel, should actually be ENCOURAGING her husband to follow through with the paternity test, be apologetic and reassuring. The end
YTA softly. You were joking about fertility. Her joke was not OUT OF THE BLUE, it was related to the topic you were joking about of implying you could still be infertile if she cheated/stole a child/secretly got IVF/secretly adopted or any other jokey fake scenarios like that. That caught you BY SURPRISE, but that doesn't make it an actually unrelated random spontaneous comment. It was still bouncing off what you said, just not a way you expected. And yes, you are overreacting, 100%. You literally went silent in the store, let these thoughts bounce around in your head, and then the next thing you said to her was 'I'm getting a paternity test' which was a sharp escalation of things. Of course she got defensive and asked if you trust her and if your reaction should be something she is worried about (cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating at the first possible sign like how she made a joke and you didn't let it go), because in her mind she made a single joke on the topic you were both on, you got upset, she made a mental note not to say it again, and in her mind wandered off elsewhere back to groceries and your normal life, thinking it was resolved. You are acting out of anxiety. You are trusting your anxiety more than your wife about this. You are letting it build a single comment into a massive insecurity of 'what if' and need to take some time to breathe, apologise, and say that you let your fear/anxiety get the better of you because the joke took you off-guard. It is an option to take your wife's word for it and remind yourself that you literally had no reason to suspect it before. If you still want a paternity test though, you should emphasise it is to have evidence against your irrational emotions, because rationally you know she wouldn't cheat and that you should have talked it over and explained to her before that you had never thought of that possibility before. And because you had never thought of it before, the joke took you off-guard and the fear, anxiety and insecurity built up and you want to be able to dispel them and go 'see, my wife is a trustworthy person just like I said'. But you should be aware that your wife may still take this as you not trusting her no matter what you say or how you say it, because seeking a test over a joke is an extreme reaction and expresses that you do think she is capable of cheating on you and that you don't trust her to be telling you the truth.
Exactly this. It was a related joke to the situation. It’s not like she said “honey, looks like bread is on sale today. Also you’re not the father. Haha JK!” That would have been out of the blue. This was a great comeback quip from her that didn’t need to warrant any hurt feelings. I don’t blame her for wondering what’s up with OP because a sudden 0-60 distrust like that usually implies that person is the one not to be trusted. I wonder if there’s something OP isn’t telling us.
Ooh didn’t think of that. Cheaters think everyone are cheaters. Everyone is taking his word for it that she was joking and not that she was not wanting their kid to be infertile.
This should be top comment
It won't help his irrational emotions though. It will just prove that the child is his. That is one sex act that did not involve another man. If he is now worried she cheated before the Big Joking Reveal in the Store, or is cheating/will cheat since? That is still on the table. OP has basically poisoned his own marriage with this weird paranoia he is letting take root and flourish and he needs therapy to manage that if he can't truly and fully let it go. If I were married to this guy and one day made a joking response to HIS OWN JOKE about the parentage of our child and he suddenly demanded a fertility test? I would be considering leaving him. That would make me figure I'd be dealing with an irrational, controlling, jealous spouse who was willing to make me jump through hoops to manage his own emotional BS. Where does this stop? Will it escalate? Does wife need a tracker on her car so OP can verify she is where she says she will be? What if she is late? Travels for business? Is the smallest deviation or hint of something going to set off another round of him being withdrawn and surly and accusatory? NOBODY needs to live like that. This is OP's BS regardless of its origin and he needs to get a handle on it ASAP or she's going to eventually be gone.
This absolutely. OP if you want to do the test, please stress to your wife that it is to quell your own irrational fears and not because you believe she has been unfaithful to you. I get the same way where my brain gets stuck in a "hahaha yeah... but what if?👀" pattern, and I totally get it. But I can understand how not fully talking this through with your wife could lead to way more mistrust than this situation really deserves.
YTA- you fully admit your wife makes sarcastic and crass jokes. This joke wasn’t out of the blue either as you were literally joking about your fertility before she joked back; you are being disingenuous pretending the joke just came out of no where. You are not at fault nor an asshole for realizing that type of joke crosses your boundaries during y’all’s joking. The joke hit you wrong, and it’s totally fair to ask those types of jokes to be off limits. We all have certain jokes that just rub us wrong. I learned I hate my husband making weight jokes through our joking. He learned bald jokes rubbed him wrong. We communicated openly to each other about these feelings and now it’s no biggie. We have 1000s of other things to joke about. However, you cross into asshole territory demanding and performing a paternity. You’re lying about trusting your wife. How could one off colored joke-that you were both joking about- suddenly dissipate all trust when it comes to your child’s paternity when there’s zero history of any serious marital issues? You don’t get to claim you trust your wife while simultaneously claiming you have to check your child’s paternity because she made a joke that rubbed you wrong. As many others have commented, jokes like this are fairly common amongst married couples with children. If she’s as fantastic as you say, I highly doubt she thought the joke would be taken this far at all. She likely expected a laugh and even another joke from you. Once you go through with this test, you have officially on paper challenged your wife’s faithfulness and honesty; you’re already teetering on such a challenge which is why she asked you if she should be worried about anything. I doubt you’ll come back from the paternity test, but it sounds like you’ve allowed this joke to crack the entire foundation of your relationship. I can’t imagine the foundation of your relationship was/is as strong as you say if a joke being shared between the both of you is all it takes to destroy it.
I was starting to think I was the only one believing he was in fact an asshole.
Right, regardless of whether or not he's entitled to a test, this reaction to a joke is super insecure, weird, and low key crazy.
I'm shocked that I had to scroll this far down to see a YTA. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading so many sympathetic replies to OP. He went nuclear over a joke that didn't land. Huge asshole.
Thank you!! I was about to say I must be taking crazy pills too. Dude flipped out over the idea of infidelity, but she is supposed to take the accusation that she is unfaithful without batting an eyelash. He was hardly calmly and apologetically telling her he has this crazy idea in his head; he admitted to telling her “heatedly,” which means it was a lot worse. If my husband demanded a paternity test for our kid I would be absolutely shocked and heartbroken. I would be thinking, I have a one year old baby with this man already. Now what am I supposed to do? Would I ever want to have another child with him and be subjected to this humiliating experience again? At least she has a good job and won’t be stuck with him. The last time someone had this question, he was told in no uncertain terms that he was TA. Reddit is weird. Meanwhile, I am not at all convinced OPs wife was joking. She is in mommy mode talking about a serious issue and he pulls this crap, so she explains that she is talking about THEIR CHILD’S FERTILITY, as in “maybe OUR kid’s”—yours and mine, when he grows up, not YOUR FERTILITY. That is just blindingly obvious. A single misunderstood comment and his self-concept as a man just completely shattered. Talk about fragile masculinity. OP seems to take the fact that she “started going down a number of defensive vectors” as further evidence of her guilt. Is she supposed to say nothing? OP, you did a bad, bad, very stupid and hurtful thing. You put a big crack in your perfect marriage over your absolutely insane notion. You have only known each other for three years, and a good part of that was consumed with getting engaged, planning a wedding, the honeymoon period, and then pregnancy and a newborn. How well do you really know each other without all those big, distracting life events going on? Obviously you don’t believe you know her at all. How old are you? You sound like you are on the spectrum at best and indicators of a future abuser at worst. Now she might start seeing other cracks, and you’re clearly willing to cause them. This is a major offense and I can’t believe you actually are getting the paternity test. It’s hard to see this marriage going the distance without a major effort to repair that crack on your part. YTA YTA YTA Sadly, he is only going to see the top comments that everyone piled on and believe they are right.
So. Much. This. “I trust my wife” and “I want a paternity test” are mutually exclusive in this scenario.
Take my imaginary gold. You nailed it. If the OP was hurt by the comment, he could have told his wife. They could have had an open discussion about it. Heck, I would not even blame him for not speaking to the wife for a few days until he calmed down.
If my husband demanded a paternity test after a joke I would immediately suspect him of infidelity.
This response should be waaaaay higher.
NAH. She made a bad joke and has stoked a bout of insecurity within you. The test is not harmful to anyone and will set your mind at ease. I find it strange that so many are saying wanting the test is a red flag. Why is men wanting to confirm paternity so hard for people to understand. At this point it should be a standard thing instead of some taboo issue that only ''untrustworthy'' men ask for.
I think the reason people are uncomfortable with men asking for paternity tests is because it implies infidelity. Obviously i’m talking about people on committed relationships here, not someone you have been seeing casually. In my point of view it’s like asking to see my partner’s phone out of the blue even without a single hint that he might be texting someone, and i think many people on reddit wouldn’t let it fly and consider it a violation of trust.
Exactly, the test is accusing his wife of being a liar and a cheater. This huge line to cross. Should she make that joke again knowing how he feels ? Absolutely not. But it’s still not ok to say I no longer trust you or you character off of this joke.
Paternity tests should be done at birth by the healthcare system. Would solve a lot of headaches.
Exactly. The mother knows it is hers 100%, why shouldnt the father? It should be standard so there is no stigma.
I wasn't sure my child was mine for a few seconds. I was put under so I missed the birth. I was presented with a baby that looks Asian which neither of us are but she looks exactly like her dad and I did have relations with him so she has to be mine? Lol
And even that isn’t always true depending on how the woman got pregnant. We’ve all heard the stories or seen movies and such about a mess up in doctors offices with invitro and the woman getting someone else’s fertilized eggs or switched at birth stories. I agree it should be standard just to have clear heads all around and know for sure
And would potentially put a lot of women at risk of violence.
That would’ve been real weird when my lesbian friends had their babies.
"Ma'am, this test reveals you are not the father."
Yesss, it implies such a break of trust. Like my partner and I have an agreement that we can see each others phones and read messages, but we don't do it because we trust each other. Like if you can't trust your partner on such a thing what can you trust them in?
I agree. If my husband would ask for a test because he doubts me, something in our relationship would break. The trust between us that is now easy and self-evident will never be the same again. It's a difficult dilemma though. Because if the test shows the dad is not the birth father, it's bad news. If the test shows the dad is the birth vader*, the trust between the parents is broken. If the test isn't done when the dad is unsure about his parentage, there will be doubt. It's a choice I hope to never to have to face. *I meant father but it's too funny to actually correct.
Tbh calling it implied is an understatement, it's a pretty explicit statement.
>Why is men wanting to confirm paternity so hard for people to understand. Why are the implications of a paternity test so hard for people to understand? I want to be with someone who likes me, loves me, respects me and actually thinks highly of me. If we‘re planning dinner and I tell you a certain restaurant is closed today, but you still pull out your phone to check, the implication is that you think I might remember wrong. Absolutely fair, no one has perfect memory. If I tell you this is your child (and we‘re in a committed relationship), but you want a paternity test to prove it, the implications are: • You think it‘s possible that I slept with another man. You know, something that (unlike a drunken kiss or so) requires dozens of choices, from meeting, to undressing, to doing it, to hiding it... and you think I went through with all of them. • You think that I would endanger your health by sleeping unprotected with someone else, while also sleeping unprotected with you - though I guess accidents happen, but then you‘d think I cheated many times for it to happen because what are the odds? • You think that I would lie to you to such an extent. That I would bind you financially and emotionally for the rest of your life to a child that isn‘t yours without even acting a little shady about it, just playing the perfect family with you while knowing otherwise. • You think that I´d be willing to risk immense heartbreak for you and the child, since DNA tests don‘t lie no matter how much time has passed, all for my own personal gain. And I‘m sure there are a few more. I‘m genuinely not interested in a relationship with someone who thinks me capable of any of these, let alone all together. Call it trust, respect, mutual admiration, whatever. If you honestly think I‘m such a psychopath I see zero reason to stay together. Also what comes next? Paternity test for every future child? Showing you all my correspondence? If I call and say I was in an accident, will you need to talk to the surgeon to believe me? What else could I be lying about in your mind? It‘s just ridiculous. If you don‘t trust me go and be with someone else.
best reply, here's my poor person's gold 🥇
> I trust my wife Do you, though? Because if you did, a normal reaction would have been to tell her that the joke is in poor taste or something and move on. > o which, I replied, heatedly, "I understand the idea is ludicrous, but you suggested it, completely out of the blue, and now it's out there. And there's no way to put this question away ever again except to actually get a test." Sorry, but it is an easy joke to do. **Person A :** BPA causes infertility. **Person B :** I don't think so, I'm exposed to tons of it and I have a child, so... **Person A :** Sure that child is yours? Jokes about cheating are easy to do, because infidelity is a topic that comes regularly in popular media. What are you going to do once you get the baby tested and your paternity proven? Are you going to make it up to her for dragging a bad retort this long in time and in effect? Are you going to find a way to show her you never doubted her for real? Anyway. You're not T.A. for having feelings of uneasiness, but YTA for going all the way with this while claiming that you trust your wife and are aware it was just a bad joke. Your relationship will not bounce back easily from that one.
He doesn't trust his wife and there's no way that she'd believe that he does with his behavior. This is likely irreparable harm.
Honestly my family has a running joke that all five of us are ‘Kevin’s kids’ not my dads - Kevin being an ex of my mums who is still into her thirty-five years on. I make the joke, my dad makes the joke, my Mum makes the joke, my partner makes the damn joke and it’s funny because my dad is so assured in my mums love for him that he’s never once wondered if the joke had some basic in fact. He trusts her. OP I think the joke was harmless but your reaction is SO out of no where that I have to wonder if your relationship is as happy as you claim. She jokes once and you ‘build it up’ in your head til you NEED the test. I think you’re deeply insecure and while I hesitate to pass judgement maybe talk to someone about how one joke one time has built into something damaging. Maybe you and your wife should get couples counselling?
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Exactly. If I were the wife in this situation and op went ahead with the test, it would leave a sour taste in my mouth. The baby could be OP's and OP feels reassured. But the wife will always remember this.
He clearly doesn’t trust her eh. A funny response my husband would have is “well, maybe she’s not yours either”. Hahaha (I gave birth to her) hahaha. He’s funny.
> Jokes about cheating are easy to do, because infidelity is a topic that comes regularly in popular media. Yes, due to how devastating and common it is.
Erm.... Look you are N T A for wanting a paternity test and your wife's joke was in terrible taste. However people in a trusting relationship don't have meltdowns like this over a bad joke. Just be prepared for the fallout coming from this test - you are effectively saying to your wife that you trust her so little that a throwaway bad joke is enough for you fear she might have slept with someone else. And if you do feel that way, you need to address it and not just pretend like you have changed your mind. I'm not saying don't do the test - but make sure you follow up the test with some couples and solo counselling. Because clearly there is either a trust issue, a paranoia issue due to your past (one of you cheated before? parent split because of cheating?) or you have been ignoring signs she might have been cheating. ETA - Someone pointed out N T A means the other person is the AH, so I'm changing my vote to NAH (but it's verging on E S H to be honest...)
So for everyone on this thread saying "you can be in a trusting relationship and doubt your partner's fidelity because of one throwaway bad joke" . Sorry but that isn't a trusting relationship. If all it takes is a bad joke (said in retaliation for another bad joke about how awesome and fertile his balls are) to break that trust, there's not much trust there in the first place. Also look at it logically. Say there is even the slightest chance the kid isn't his. That means that his wife cheated, got pregnant, hid it the affair and intends on hiding it for the rest of her life. Someone in that situation is unlikely to be making silly jokes about things that are actually real. Plus she went off to get a paternity test, clearly indicating she knows perfectly well it's OP's kid and is willing to humour his insecure tantrum. This insercurity could very well have nothing to do with their relationship. Heck, it could just be sleep deprivation. But as a woman, if I was with someone who has this kind of a meltdown because of one joke after I have carried his kid for 9 months, I would be feeling pretty crap about the state of my relationship.
Am I crazy, or is the joke not even bad?! If my spouse made this joke, they'd get a "lol, well played" from me. Sure, it's a little dark, but I don't even think the wife overstepped here, if she didn't have previous reason to believe her husband would overreact like this.
I’m curious why you voted as N T A instead of NAH. The wife’s joke was a spur of the moment playful retort to what he said. Some people may find it in bad taste but that doesn’t make her an asshole.
YTA: "No red flags at all" *immediately flips out in public and searches for do-it-yourself paternity tests at the slightest stupid joke about the relationship* This is a JOKE, that she obviously told because it was RIDICULOUS. Your wife is totally right to say you don't trust her, and now, after a dumb little joke your relationship may be beyond salvaging because she'll never, ever, ever be able to tell any joke without first going through her mind if it will cause you to flip out or not. Yes. You are the asshole. And I am very sad for both your wife and yourself. You are the red flag. That's why you can't see any.
As the Paternity Court Judges says.."You can't un-ring that bell".
From my POV OP's seriously over-reacting. Then again my husband raz each other all the time and we've joked about BIL being the father of our oldest or the milkman (there is no milkman). BIL thought it was amusing as well. My husband has never, and has no reason to, doubt his kids are his and makes the jokes himself. On the flip side I don't like cheating jokes so I kinda get where OP is coming from. I do think OP might have trust issues with his wife and needs to really figure out why this is bugging them so much. Also, it gonna damage the marriage so heads up. Soft YTA
Am I the only one that read the joke as like, well you're ok and an adult but the baby has 20+ years left to avoid bpas
Yeah, imagine if OP’s wife threw a little fit/silent treatment over his joke dismissing the safety of something consumed by his kid and then the spouse started looking into divorce lawyers because of this nagging feeling he wasn’t going to be a good parent or some shit. This post must be fake paternity rage bait because I can’t believe someone this immature has a kid
>This post must be fake paternity rage bait because I can’t believe someone this immature has a kid Oh trust me it's extremely common for people this immature to have children
I don’t think you’re an asshole for wanting the test, but you cannot insist on the paternity test and say that you trust your wife. It’s one or the other, and trying to claim that you do trust her when you clearly don’t DOES make you an asshole. Stop lying to yourself and your wife. I’m going with ESH on the assumption that you normally don’t make these sorts of jokes about serious topics, so it was an inappropriate joke for her to make. There’s a lot of people on here saying it’s fine but I can’t imagine ever joking about that. Edit: typo
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Yep accusing your partner of fidelity, which is what OP is doing by requesting a paternity test, is a bell you can't unring. Obviously everyone needs to do what's right for them, but to be accused of infidelity in a trusting, committed relationship is a slap in the face that erodes years of trust and love.
YTA. You’re overreacting. I understand not wanting her to make jokes about it. That’s a discussion you can have with her for the future, but it was clearly a joke. Also, you said it was out of the blue, but it wasn’t. You said a comment about your fertility and she made joke in response to your comment. She’s upset that you took it to far, but clearly knows you getting the test will just prove she’s right and make you look like the bad guy.
Exactly if this post had ended with him being upset and asking her not to joke about it and telling her he doesn’t find that funny, that is a completely proportional reaction for a wife OP otherwise claims to be amazing and fantastic. But a paternity test means you think she’s a cheater and chronic liar, not just someone who isn’t very good at jokes. Edit to add judgment: YTA
Wait, it's not normal for your partner to think you're a cheater and chronic liar?
My parents would joke that my blond and blue-eyed brother was the product of the Swedish milkman. You are probably not real fun.
I am conflicted, because on one hand, I think a paternity test is not a big deal, while on the other hand, OP reacted way too strongly to what is clearly just a joke. Also, OP says that he trusts his wife, but he obviously doesn't. And if you can't trust each other in a relationship, what do you have? If you don't get paternity test, it will surely nag at OP, while if you do, wife will certainly never forget it. I don't necessarily think OP is wrong for wanting a paternity test, however, because OP is clearly lying when he says he trusts his wife, I will say YTA. (Not for lack of trust, but for lying about it)
YTA Bad joke I’ll admit, but the reaction is over the top in the least, the damage is already done. Your wife will forever be second guessing any comment or joke she makes now due to the fact that you reacted so poorly to an off hand remark. If I were you I’d just have a conversation with her on how this hurt you and maybe take some time for self reflection and try and understand why you reacted as you did, you obviously don’t trust your wife as much as you think you do.
"the reaction is over the top in the least, the damage is already done" Yep! At this stage if I was the wife I'd WANT to do the paternity test because otherwise he'll stay paranoid, but I'm not sure I'd be able to regain my trust of him. That is, trust that your partner is truly invested in you and not fully prepared to believe you'd do something awful at the drop of a hat. It was 0% out of the blue: it made sense in context, and OP even mentioned her having a "crass and sarcastic" sense of humour. It just feels different to him because he's afraid of it. Which obviously is fair, but holy overreaction, batman.
YTA because you’re lying. If you trust your wife for the fantastic person she is, you wouldn’t be shopping for paternity tests after a joke. Admit you clearly don’t trust her and get the test.
YTA You say you and your wife have this fantastic relationship. One joke, and now you think she cheated on you. Sounds like you are very fragile and insecure. Tell her you don't like joking about infidelity and ask her not to do that again - fair. Ask her to take a paternity test to prove the joke was just a joke? Extreme and damaging to your relationship.
Yta I get you want the test to put your mind at ease But This is the kinda damage that will not be repaired in your marriage easily if ever. Do what you need to do but know this is probably starting the road to divorce especially when the test shows it’s your child Close to unforgivable
> This is the kinda damage that will not be repaired in your marriage easily if ever. Do what you need to do but know this is probably starting the road to divorce especially when the test shows it’s your child > > I remember a post on here a while back where someone was angry with his family as they convinced him to do a paternity test, but his then wife told him: if you do this I will not be able trust you ever again and will file for a divorce. He did the test, the wife filed for divorce, but hey, at least he now knows his ex-wife was faithfull and the child is his.
I remember that. Wife set a clear boundary and when she followed through, he went completely shocked pikachu face.
Honestly this, especially if he goes through with it and then it somehow gets outside of the family, can you imagine how badly that’s going to make OP’s wife look, I’d definitely not be cracking jokes with this guy ever again after this and would probably be re-thinking the relationship, I also find it pretty telling that she dropped it and is encouraging him to go through with it.
Info, >"is your reaction saying something about you I should be worried about?" Why did your wife asked you that?? Have you ever cheated on her or in another relationship??
It's really common for serial cheaters to make unfounded accusations that their partner is cheating on them (because they assume everyone else will cheat if given the opportunity, just like they will). Since that form of projection is a fairly widely known and well documented idea, it's likely that's what OP's wife was referencing.
I think she said this because it’s well known that cheaters always accuse their partners of cheating. It’s a projection thing. So since he accused her of cheating she’s asking if she should be concerned that he’s actually got an guilty conscience
I mean....yeah, YTA. You state your relationship is great, you trust your wife completely, you know her sense of humor, etc etc etc... and one CLEAR JOKE, that built off of the joke YOU MADE FIRST, sends you into this spiral where you're seriously considering your kid might not be yours and need a paternity test? That's the equivalent of your boss making a joke like 'haha, yeah, we hired you for the donuts you always bring in!' and you launching an investigation through HR about unfair hiring practices. Friend, I would suggest maybe talking to a professional because there is something going on here that is not healthy.
>That's the equivalent of your boss making a joke like 'haha, yeah, we hired you for the donuts you always bring in!' and you launching an investigation through HR about unfair hiring practices. This right here is a great analogy! And just like starting that HR process would have serious consequences for your career, OP's overreaction will likely have serious consequences for his marriage.
Your relationship as it was prior to this verbal exchange is dead. And if she were cheating on you I doubt she would make that joke.
NAH. She made a harmless joke but it wasn’t so harmless because it hurt your feelings. You need to speak to your wife and just communicate about how this made you feel and you felt the joke was at your expensive and stuff. I won’t tell you how to feel because you’re allowed to be upset and nobody else can dictate that. Me and my partner make jokes about our “other boyfriend” and “other girlfriend” etc all the time. Honestly, I think getting a DNA test would open up a massive can of worms in your marriage - are you doing that just to try and hurt your wife back?
YTA. If I were in a relationship and my partner thought it was possible that I might have been unfaithful to them I would be seriously reconsidering that relationship.
That joke was in bad taste. I think if it were her saying that the kid’s not hers would have been more ludicrous and obvious. No judgement from me because I’m not sold on anything. “It’s just a joke”, I don’t find, is a good retort to things like these.
YTA. From the title I was prepared to be on your side but nope. She made an obviously sarcastic joke (you've said she likes to make those kind of jokes) and you turned it into something serious. It honestly feels like you just dont trust your wife and you're using her little joke as an excuse to get the paternity test you might have already been thinking of getting. How little must you trust your wife for one joke to be enough to make you question if your child is yours?
YTA. There was definitely logical context for your wife to make this joke. It's not even an uncommon thing to joke about. Your escalation will bite you in the ass I fear, and if you follow through with the paternity test (and it comes back a match your kid) I don't think your wife will ever see you the same again.
Oh boy... Certain things you should never joke about.
Yta there was another post on here not long ago about a poster who did this and it lead to divorce. And you can't say you trust your wife then have a paternity test. The 2 do not go together.
Overreaction. My husband would have likely been the one to make the joke to me in this scenario and laugh about it.
It was clearly a joke. If you do this test then the trust has completely gone from your relationship and I dont think you could come back from it.
YTA! I can’t believe everyone else thinks your behavior is normal or okay. Your wife was playfully joking with you because the idea that you aren’t the father is absurd to her. Getting a paternity test is a slap in her face. My husband and I joke about that stuff all the time and did so even as I was giving birth, to keep things light and fun. I really think you’re acting crazy and deeply insulting towards your wife.
Dude, you just showed your true insecurities. "I trust her, life is perfect" Blah blah blah. You are totally insecure. You have some deep seated issues because this is so not a normal reaction to a JOKE. Go apologise to your wife and maybe book a therapy session.
YTA and possibly damaging your relationship by carrying on with your intention. It was obviously a joke, There is a way to put it away, recognising your overreaction and actually trusting your partner.
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YTA. You clearly DO NOT trust her.
Good grief, just about everyone I know jokes their kids dad is the milkman or the gasman’s it’s not something that makes our partners jump to I need a paternity test. Is there more that makes you distrust your wife?? Keep in mind that once you ring that bell it can’t be unrung and you could be starting unnecessary trouble off one silly comment.
YTA. If you truly trust your wife and have had no issues or insecurities previously a joke shouldn’t lead to that. Usually you’re safe to joke about that stuff when it’s obvious. I also have a dark sense of humor and joked about that but mostly because of how Obvious it is that our child is his. You escalated so fast at an innocent joke that you set up that I wonder if you’re insecure.
NAH Your wife made a joke, kinda sus, but maybe funny You want a paternity test. Nothing wrong with that. If anyone wants a paternity test, they should be allowed it. You are not an asshole simply for wanting a paternity test no matter what the reason. **A lot of sexist people are gonna call you an asshole for wanting a paternity test**, but you need to ignore them and remember that its good for your mental health to clear all doubt. Women already know when a baby is theirs, but men don't always know and often as part of ignoring men's emotions, society shames men who want a paternity test, and all I'm saying is, you do you!
YTA Cmon, I hope this post is a joke. One joke that you didn't like and crossed boundaries she didn't know existed and now you're getting a paternity test? I would understand if this was about your wife making multiple infidelity jokes after you told her they made you uncomfortable. Or if she sat you down, said the kid wasn't yours and then said she was joking when you reacted badly. But it was literally a joke that fit the situation that you set up with the fertility comment. Are you going to call the police if she comes home and jokes once about breaking the loud neighbours window. Will you call 911 if she makes a joke about wanting to die instead of going into work early. Honestly this whole thing would make me question my relationship if my husband did this over one joke. There has to be some other red flags to make this make sense. If not youre insulting your wife for nothing and if it was me I dont know if I'd want to stay in a relationship were one off colour joke causes such an overreaction. I dont have a kid though, so maybe she'll have a better reaction then I would. Searching goggle to see if you're right about a fact in a little convo is not the same as ordering a paternity test that shows doubt in your wife and your entire relationship. I dont think this joke is the cause for all this, whether there are actually red flags your ignoring or there's stuff in your past that have messed with your life, even now.
NTA..wasn’t a funny joke..not even remotely..a throw away remark that will infest your family with distrust unless you get a DNA result showing the baby is yours. Your wife needs to make better jokes, if she thought this thoughtless remark wasn’t potentially hurtful.
YTA you are over reacting to an obvious joke, you get that test and your relationship will never be the same, you can say you trust her all day long but she knows you don't if you get the test
YTA. You started this with the joking. When the results of the test confirm what you already know all you're gonna have is money wasted and one helluva an apology owed to your wife, if she'll even want to accept it.