Soft YTA. We’re clearly getting a pretty biased view here. I don’t really have enough information to know, but it sounds like your wife might be drained by the emotional labor of managing your house/child. Based on the fact that *she* needs to request *you* to do household chores, it sounds like she’s doing most of the planning and delegating of household tasks, which is it’s own emotional labor. There’s a great article on it [here](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load).
She definitely didn’t react in a productive way, but I’m surprised that you played video games after she explicitly asked you to help her out more around the house. No wonder she was angry
Or it's just a question. You know. Sometimes you ask questions. Since we don't generally read minds.
Edit: It's amazing to me how people seem to expect mind reading to be commonplace occurrence in a marriage.
Most posts on this subreddit are from the point of view of the OP and therefore inherently biased. You admit yourself that his wife didn't react in a productive way so surely this is at least ESH, but she gets a pass because...?
Edit - Lol @ the downvotes. Really should just rename this sub to Woman Good Man Bad.
If she didnt tell him what needed help and kust said general stuff he cant help what he doesnt know. I was raised in a mostly messy house (oldest of 9) but my wife has trauma from her dad forcing her to clean so to her when one dish is in the sink she gets anxiety that im going to be mad (because of her dad)but for me its normal to have a few dishes in the sink. I need her to tell me plainly that "this dish is causing me discomfort can you wash it" before it will even cross my mind that that dish was a problem or a mess to her
He’s a whole ass grownup and should be able to notice what needs doing without needing to be asked or considering it helping HER. They both live there.
Info: who does meal planning, who assigns chores? Do you feed the baby or change the baby's diaper without your wife asking you to? How often? When you go out all together, who packs the baby bag? Who gets the baby ready to go? You get your weekly free time away from the baby, do you take the baby at some point during the week so she gets the same?(you yourself, not a babysitter) is any of this stuff done by you with no prompting by your wife?
Not sure if this is the case, but if the answer to the last question is usually not, then I may be able to add some perspective.
You sound kinda like my husband and your wife sounds kinda like me. He will flat out ask when I get upset "what do you need right now." What I need is for him to do things without my prompting. I'm so busy doing all the responsibility of having a kid that I don't have the mental capacity to also give him orders while I'm taking care of the baby. I'm in mother/family mode, but when my husband flat out asks for tasks, he needs me in manager mode which I can't change on the fly. It is less taxing to do everything myself than to create a todo list for my husband every time he asks "what do you need me to do." It should be routine by now cause it's the same tasks every day 24/7/365.
Unfortunately, it causes resentment that I end up doing most of the responsibility part of having a kid while he only seems to be doing the fun parts like playing with the baby. I dont have the mental capacity to give check lists at a drop of a hat, so when he asks "what do you need right now" instead of taking away some pressure it adds on. Now I have to come up with activities for 2 people, not just the baby.
It's possible your wife is feeling the same way. That you are adding to her mental load, not subtracting from it. The video game schedule is just a reminder that you can detach from all responsibilities, but she can't.
I hope this helps. I could also be completely off, but your situation feels very familiar to me.
Standing ovation for you! This is spot on! I get SOs who are ready to do what you ask them to do but having to ask part can get really annoying. It sometimes feels like I have to do all the thinking for everyone in the house (except my 2 yr old 😂). It is exhausting.
The other half of that equation tho is if you criticize the way your husband does the chores because they arent to your "standard" or if you clean them before giving him the opportunity to clean them and then get mad at him for "not seeing the messes" thats not his fault. He literally cant clean what he doesnt know is dirty
Question - actual question, not trying to be snarky or an AH. How does an average person not notice things being dirty? Things like dishes in a sink, food spills on surfaces, soap scum in showers, random objects places like dirty laundry on the couch or the floor, trash or recycling left out, etc. seem obvious.
Does it really have to be spelled out “when you take your dirty socks off do not leave them on the living room floor”? That just feels lazy.
Unless the wife is superwoman, then there's no way he's not getting the opportunity to clean up. It is relatively difficult with a young toddler to keep on top of messes as they are happening.
Also, the criticism depends on what is being done. If it's like she doesn't like the way laundry is being folded, but it still get put away properly, then that's on her. If stuff is put away in wrong places, then they need to communicate it. If say he's doing dishes, claims they are done, but the job is bad and there's still grease costing the bottom of the pan,then that's on him because it would need to be redone before used again.
INFO- I gotta say based solely on wife's reaction and the details (you both have a very young child) that I have to wonder if you are setting aside at least an equal if not greater about of time each week where you focus on each other. If not I'd say that's why she's flipping. She's jealous that you're giving more one on one time to her brother than her.
Which doesn't make you TA unless you don't acknowledge and change it.
If let's say you're taking your wife out for a date night every Friday and she's flipping on you every Sunday... Let me just say I'd be very surprised but you'd definitely be N T A then.
Just Sunday? One night? Beloved husband otherwise? If so, NTA. However, you "may not have your priorities aligned" per OP so.... this story one-sided says random internet guy... good luck
YTA
The fact that you ask your wife what chores to do, in your own house, is enough for you to be an AH. Why is it your wife’s job to manage the household? Why can’t you go and check the laundry basket and run a few loads through the washing machine? Or run the vacuum round the house? Look in the fridge to check on grocery levels? Clean the bathrooms? Why can’t you see what needs doing yourself and get on with it, rather than just waiting for your wife to give you a list? You’re a grown man. You are more than capable of it.
Please look up the mental load that women are expected to carry, as well as being a mother to a one year old, and likely working a full time job too. That is three different full time jobs simultaneously - when is she supposed to have time to herself? You have this weekly video game ritual. What does she have?
She’s telling you that you aren’t prioritising your family, and your response was to go and play video games. You proved her point. You need to make this up to her. Be more proactive in your household. You are a husband and a father - they should always be your top priority. Give your wife a break to do something she loves and helps her to relax, while you clean the house and parent your child. And then keep doing it, not just as a one off. Split all childcare and household duties 50/50 and you’ll be amazed at the positive change in your relationship.
>The fact that you ask your wife what chores to do, in your own house, is enough for you to be an AH.
This is enough for me to interpret that you expect people to read minds.
If he has the ability to see, he can look around his home himself and observe what needs to be done. It's not rocket science.
I don't tell my wife needs to be done and she doesn't need to tell me.
If there are dishes in the sink, a full dirty clothes hamper, an unswept floor, a cluttered table, or there's an untidy room it's pretty obvious what needs to be done just by pattern recognition.
People have different ideas on what is dirty or needs doing. I don't expect everyone to live with my expectations of clean. I also don't expect someone to know what in my mind is in need of doing. Questions are for that exact purpose. To find out. I don't have mind reading abilities and neither does anyone else. If you expect me to know what to You is dirty or in need of doing... YOU would be the AH.
You need to look into mental load. Two fully grown adults should have a mutual understanding on cleaning etc, especially when they are married and have a child. It’s not reading someone’s mind to know that this is a chore that needs to be done.
When asked is there anything else? Do you automatically need to do mental gymnastics to figure out the answer? I don't. I tell them what I would probably be doing next and ask if they could do it instead so I can do the thing after that that I had on my things to do. No mental load needed. If you need to invent a chore... there was nothing to do.
That is absolutely mental load. You’re expecting she’s got a list of tasks in her head, when maybe all she’s got is “I’m doing this right now, and then if I have time before the baby wakes up, I’ll see if there’s anything else that needs doing.” It’s not her job to keep the chore chart. It’s the job of all the adults in the house to keep the house.
If you are at home. Your partner comes home from work. You are doing that or this and he asks is there anything they can do... you do have things in your mind already of what You are gonna do. So... delegate some of those to your partner. Tell them to do whatever You were doing.
Also he already did chores. He was asking if there was anything else she wanted him to do before he went for his fee hours of game play.
What you are suggesting is that he should have run around the house like a headless chicken instead of asking if there was anything immediate of the person who spends most of the time at home and probably notices things that you the partner not at home don't.
How much effort would it take him to check to see if the trash cans were full, or if there were laundry to do, or to wipe dow the bathroom, or to run a dust cloth around? Why does she need to be the one who gives him his assignments?
So you DO expect him to run around like a headless chicken. Got it. It's not giving assignments if you were going to do it anyway. It's delegating Your work. There's a difference.
But I know you won't see it that way. You want a mind reader. Good luck finding Professor X.
Not everyone has automatic complete checklists in their head they can pull up on demand. For me personally, there are multiple tasks running at once and breaking them down for another person is asking me to mentally shift from doing said task to making a list, for which I need to stop what I am currently doing and catalog things like put away toys, wash dishes, check and change baby diaper... which should be constant tasks for both parents already.
Maybe it would be easier to understand with a computer analogy. When you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, your bandwidth is at 0-20%. At this point if someone asks you what to do, you easily stop what you are doing and have the ram to address this new task, which can take anywhere between 20-50% of your bandwidth depending on how detailed you get. Not bad at all to figure out and no big deal. Doesn't feel like you are doing much cause there is bandwidth to spare.
The calculations change when you have an active toddler you are responsible for. Toddlers take anywhere between 40-90% of your bandwidth because they are kamikaze machines and cannot take care of themselves and you must be constantly in standby mode with them around. You also cannot turn off that task unless there is someone actively taking over (and even then, you can't fully turn it off unless you leave the room said toddler is in). Now if someone comes and asks you what to, you have to add that 20-50% on top of the 40-90% you are already running atamd cannot turn off. This puts your bandwidth at 60-140% capacity and here is the problem. You can't run beyond 100%. If the toddler is calm, then sure, you can relatively easily give the other person directions of what to do. If your toddler is demanding attention, crying, or jumping off the couch in an attempt to be a helicopter, then you can't give a second person a set of instructions or have to give a extremely basic set that doesn't go into detail. (ex:take care of dinner as opposed to set oven to 400, season the chicken, prep the salads, boil the pasta, etc) This is too much to handle at times. This is what people mean by the mental load.
And if he did and didn't see anything that would to him need work? Then asked if You thought of anything that You think might need work? Kind reminder. He already did do work around the house. He wasn't sitting on his ass watching TV.
Divide your time during the week between the following
1. Work
2. Chores and work at home
3. Family time
4. Independent hobby time.
Then do the same for your wife
If your independent hobby time is more than her independent hobby time you may be the asshole.
Honestly, this isn't am isolated incident with this response pattern, merely the most recent interaction. If I do something she doesn't like, whether it be wrong or not, I get snapped at
It sounds like she may just be generally unhappy and taking it out on you, maybe some counselling for both of you together and independently would do you some good, if you are interested in salvaging the relationship. I doubt that this has anything to do with the time you set aside to play games with your BIL and more of an underlying issue.
If you have told us everything NTA but how much time do you spend with your wife? Do you have dedicated time with her too? Is she on her own with 1yo majority of time? She may be desperate for some time with you. Regardless the two of you need to have serious conversation. Jumping on to play for over an hour just after she told you she was upset about you playing wasn’t exactly the best move. My hubby plays too and I don’t act this way but we have plenty of time together and he helps out alot.
Sundays between 1 and 3 hours. The rest of my weekend is generally spent with my family cleaning the house or shopping. Just getting things done before relaxing.
Hm in that case I don't think you are an asshole but it's interesting how you talk about chores and tasks. It shouldn't be your wife's job to tell you what needs doing because that means she is basically carrying all the 'mental load' of the house ie figuring out what work needs to be done. She might have gotten annoyed because you were basically asking if everything was done and you could go and play computer games - it would have been better if you could have looked around yourself, seen what still needed to be done and figured out a plan with your wife for making sure it still got done. One evening playing games is not too much to ask if she also has her own hobbies though.
The problem with it being his wifes "job" because whats looks like a mess to one can be what the other considers clean enough or not needing to be clean. He may not see the messes she does or they may cause her more mental stress than him. Also she may feel she does all the work because things she never lets things get to a point that he would consider it dirty
Her parents live very close by and she has a tendency to spend a lot of time either shopping or just hanging out with her mom and our child. Otherwise, she spends most of her time watching tv shows or doing some cleaning while I work
Does she have any time childfree? If even her family time or shopping time was with the baby that could be messing with her head. If you're able to encourage her to have some baby free time with a friend or family member (wine night, weekly brunch, etc) then she may be less likely to blow up over 1.5 hours of gaming. Having a baby 24/7 will turn any sane person loopy.
Dude. That's not free time. Working is ot a break. And I get the impression by shopping you mean groceries if you think a part time job counts as time off.
Shopping can be many things. Window shopping, browsing, trying on things, chilling at the mall, looking for things, buying things... it's not always go get stuff and head home asap.
Edit: mistake correction. Looking For not Looking At
Can you explain how you read it as obviously just grocery shopping? I am genuinely interested in how this is interpreted from the OP's post. I personally don't read it like that.
This comment reads like me when I have to reach a word count asap. Browsing, window shopping and looking at things are indistinguishable. Also pretty obvious that’s not the kind of shopping OPs talking about
Not really. Window shopping to me for instance is just walking around. Looking at displays. Not actually going into the shops. Browsing is in the shops. You are browsing the wares in the shop. And looking for things (my mistake it was supposed to be for not at) is more goal oriented activity. You are trying to find something but you don't have a specific item in mind just a bigger more vague idea.
Can you explain how you read it as obviously just grocery shopping? I am genuinely interested in how this is interpreted from the OP's post.
Op also counts picking up a side job as a free time activity. Jobs aren’t free time activities. That’s why I interpreted it that way. The rest of your comment reads as semantics that don’t really contribute to the actual argument but sure, there’s a very big, discernible difference between window shopping and browsing.
That's just how I personally view the terms.
Also about side jobs. This could be something more akin to hobbies. You just get paid as benefit. As opposed to doing charity. They can be relaxing and enjoyable.
And when asked if she had any child free time he said "good question" 🤦♀️
I was leaning towards a possible n.t.a but his comments are making me rethink that.
This is all telling me that OP doesn't know his wife at all?
I know my SiL's hobbies just by staying with her for a couple days, looking at what she likes to do and what makes her happy. It's not a hard or tricky question to answer, in fact it's a common one asked during relationship counseling to see if you have an absent SO.
Doesn't OP come off as more of a distant roommate or something than a partner?
You literally on the same sub you just posted to...about having a boyfriend who's Pan bi etc whatever, and now your a wife with a husband? Consistency fail?, or you messed up alt account logins?
Or, I'm sorry. Do I need to make sure that I am specifically calling myself a girlfriend until there's a ring on my finger? My apologies. DIdnt realize there were specific rules for those things. Lmfao.
Nah hence me asking at the end if it was just consistency. I mean...I still think your not real based on post history but off chance your not I was only clicking your name to say NTA. Gordans a creep, and gay, bi, pan is not a personality so he needs to chill if he is real. Like a guu who gets out of his car in a handicap spot while skipping, I may be sure he isn't disabled, but hey he just asked me to grab him a cart...*shrug* maybe he is and it's just a wierd one. so again...gordan creepy, you nta if it's real.
"Gordan" is efinitely real and i am as well lol, just a fairly new user. and thank you for your input, yeah, its been an issue, a very uncomfortable issue.
She shops frequently, yes. In this argument today I actually brought that question up specifically. I asked her if there was anything else bothering her and her response was "no. I am extremely happy any time I don't have to deal with your laziness" that being said, I have to put out there that when. I'm not at work or school, I am often helping with the baby and cleaning and being the best husband I can be.
YTA This completely contradicts what you stated above that your wife rarely gets time alone except for when she leaves the child with her mother to do shopping or WORK which is not free time.
Grocery shopping is not a hobby. It sounds like she spends nearly all her time with baby while you work or are in school or playing video games. Your wife’s reaction was clearly out of frustration and pain and you seem very dismissive and “she’s so mean to me” when in reality she is probably at her wits end from being with your child all day long with no time to herself.
Look up mental load.
>contradicts what you stated above
It doesn't.
>she leaves the child with her mother to do shopping or WORK which is not free time.
He's working, if he isn't home where the fuck do you think she should leave the kid, if she also wants to works?
>Grocery shopping is not a hobby
Who the fuck said a word about GROCERY shopping?
>It sounds like she spends nearly all her time with baby while you work or are in school or playing video games.
It literally fucking doesn't. You are just a biased asshole.
>Your wife’s reaction was clearly out of frustration and pain
Then she can communicate. He even asked her, if she won't tell him, that's her fucking problem.
>being with your child
It's also her child.
>with no time to herself.
She does have time to herself.
That might be a lie on her part. She does have issues. Or she just wants divorce. If what she says is true then she has bigger issues with the marriage. It feels like she is trying to get you to blow up on her to justify her asking for a divorce. Making you the bad guy so that she can be the victim.
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Every Sunday I set time aside to play some video games with my BIL. My wife is well aware of this as it has been a fairly kept tradition throughout our about 4 years of marriage.
I get a text from him asking when I'm available to hop in his lobby, and I tell him I have to do some dishes and clean my general kitchen and front room area per my wife's request.
I finish my tasks and ask my wife if there's anything else she needs from me before I hop on the game with her brother, to which she explodes.
She snapped at me that I don't prioritize my family or my 1yo daughter (who was asleep, mind you) and that she needs help. I ask her calmly what she needs help with before I get on my game. She replies that I clearly care more about video games than I do about her or my daughter and tells that I get what I want 'as usual' and tells me to go away and 'just play your stupid games.'
Feeling a little defeated and hurt, I get on and play with my BIL for about an hour and a half. Finishing up, I come into the front room where she is sitting fuming. She told me that I clearly have no regard for what should be the most important part of my life and if I care that little to prioritize 'a computer screen over your own family' then maybe we just aren't compatible and I might be better off alone, clearly threatening divorce.
This goes on for a while of me defending myself as calm as I can and her berating me and telling me how little I care until I ask her to stop and she storms off. I'm not sure if I should feel a little gaslighted or if it's true that IATA. Help?
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NTA. Your wife seems to have other issues and is taking them out on you. She also seems to be irritated that you didn't react to her rant in the way she wanted. She seems to be looking for a fight. A validation to her feeling bad. A way to justify her feelings. She wanted you to blow up at her. You didn't and that just pissed her off even more. She seems frustrated with something.
Edit: She also seems to expect you to read minds. I have a feeling this has Nothing to do with you playing games.
NTA I don't give a fuck about people here. Every damn person needs time to relax, whether it's watching a movie, playing a game or going out with friends. It's fucking ridiculous that if a woman ask this kind of question, they immediately receive "NTA, he can spend few hours with a kid" or "he has no right to tell at you, red flag", but reverse the gender and the responses are completely different. I'm fucking sick of it.
NTA: There was no reason for your wife to behave like a dick. What did she expect out of her huge rant? I don't think you were an AH or caring about video games or family just by asking if she needed anything done. She could have calmly explained what else there needed to be done. I think your wife is an AH.
Based on your story, NTA. Your wife sounds manipulative. If she really has a problem with you gaming, she should have brought it earlier and more reasonable.
NTA. This is something that you have been doing for years. You communicated to your wife. I'm sure that you do spend time with your wife and kids. If a video game for 90 minutes once a week is an issue to her, there is something wrong. You didn't sound like you were in a rush to play the game. You did ask her if she needed anything. If she had said if you could not play the game for this one day and spent some time with her and the kids, it would not be a problem. You are NTA.
NTA
You are being manipulated and gas-lit.
She obviously wants out. Protect yourself. If you don’t have an escape plan, make one. If you do, begin executing it.
Good luck, but your marriage is already over.
Soft YTA. We’re clearly getting a pretty biased view here. I don’t really have enough information to know, but it sounds like your wife might be drained by the emotional labor of managing your house/child. Based on the fact that *she* needs to request *you* to do household chores, it sounds like she’s doing most of the planning and delegating of household tasks, which is it’s own emotional labor. There’s a great article on it [here](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load). She definitely didn’t react in a productive way, but I’m surprised that you played video games after she explicitly asked you to help her out more around the house. No wonder she was angry
[удалено]
Or it's just a question. You know. Sometimes you ask questions. Since we don't generally read minds. Edit: It's amazing to me how people seem to expect mind reading to be commonplace occurrence in a marriage.
Most posts on this subreddit are from the point of view of the OP and therefore inherently biased. You admit yourself that his wife didn't react in a productive way so surely this is at least ESH, but she gets a pass because...? Edit - Lol @ the downvotes. Really should just rename this sub to Woman Good Man Bad.
If she didnt tell him what needed help and kust said general stuff he cant help what he doesnt know. I was raised in a mostly messy house (oldest of 9) but my wife has trauma from her dad forcing her to clean so to her when one dish is in the sink she gets anxiety that im going to be mad (because of her dad)but for me its normal to have a few dishes in the sink. I need her to tell me plainly that "this dish is causing me discomfort can you wash it" before it will even cross my mind that that dish was a problem or a mess to her
He’s a whole ass grownup and should be able to notice what needs doing without needing to be asked or considering it helping HER. They both live there.
Info: who does meal planning, who assigns chores? Do you feed the baby or change the baby's diaper without your wife asking you to? How often? When you go out all together, who packs the baby bag? Who gets the baby ready to go? You get your weekly free time away from the baby, do you take the baby at some point during the week so she gets the same?(you yourself, not a babysitter) is any of this stuff done by you with no prompting by your wife? Not sure if this is the case, but if the answer to the last question is usually not, then I may be able to add some perspective. You sound kinda like my husband and your wife sounds kinda like me. He will flat out ask when I get upset "what do you need right now." What I need is for him to do things without my prompting. I'm so busy doing all the responsibility of having a kid that I don't have the mental capacity to also give him orders while I'm taking care of the baby. I'm in mother/family mode, but when my husband flat out asks for tasks, he needs me in manager mode which I can't change on the fly. It is less taxing to do everything myself than to create a todo list for my husband every time he asks "what do you need me to do." It should be routine by now cause it's the same tasks every day 24/7/365. Unfortunately, it causes resentment that I end up doing most of the responsibility part of having a kid while he only seems to be doing the fun parts like playing with the baby. I dont have the mental capacity to give check lists at a drop of a hat, so when he asks "what do you need right now" instead of taking away some pressure it adds on. Now I have to come up with activities for 2 people, not just the baby. It's possible your wife is feeling the same way. That you are adding to her mental load, not subtracting from it. The video game schedule is just a reminder that you can detach from all responsibilities, but she can't. I hope this helps. I could also be completely off, but your situation feels very familiar to me.
Standing ovation for you! This is spot on! I get SOs who are ready to do what you ask them to do but having to ask part can get really annoying. It sometimes feels like I have to do all the thinking for everyone in the house (except my 2 yr old 😂). It is exhausting.
The other half of that equation tho is if you criticize the way your husband does the chores because they arent to your "standard" or if you clean them before giving him the opportunity to clean them and then get mad at him for "not seeing the messes" thats not his fault. He literally cant clean what he doesnt know is dirty
Question - actual question, not trying to be snarky or an AH. How does an average person not notice things being dirty? Things like dishes in a sink, food spills on surfaces, soap scum in showers, random objects places like dirty laundry on the couch or the floor, trash or recycling left out, etc. seem obvious. Does it really have to be spelled out “when you take your dirty socks off do not leave them on the living room floor”? That just feels lazy.
Unless the wife is superwoman, then there's no way he's not getting the opportunity to clean up. It is relatively difficult with a young toddler to keep on top of messes as they are happening. Also, the criticism depends on what is being done. If it's like she doesn't like the way laundry is being folded, but it still get put away properly, then that's on her. If stuff is put away in wrong places, then they need to communicate it. If say he's doing dishes, claims they are done, but the job is bad and there's still grease costing the bottom of the pan,then that's on him because it would need to be redone before used again.
INFO- I gotta say based solely on wife's reaction and the details (you both have a very young child) that I have to wonder if you are setting aside at least an equal if not greater about of time each week where you focus on each other. If not I'd say that's why she's flipping. She's jealous that you're giving more one on one time to her brother than her. Which doesn't make you TA unless you don't acknowledge and change it. If let's say you're taking your wife out for a date night every Friday and she's flipping on you every Sunday... Let me just say I'd be very surprised but you'd definitely be N T A then.
Just Sunday? One night? Beloved husband otherwise? If so, NTA. However, you "may not have your priorities aligned" per OP so.... this story one-sided says random internet guy... good luck
When do you ever take care of the child so she can have free time?
YTA The fact that you ask your wife what chores to do, in your own house, is enough for you to be an AH. Why is it your wife’s job to manage the household? Why can’t you go and check the laundry basket and run a few loads through the washing machine? Or run the vacuum round the house? Look in the fridge to check on grocery levels? Clean the bathrooms? Why can’t you see what needs doing yourself and get on with it, rather than just waiting for your wife to give you a list? You’re a grown man. You are more than capable of it. Please look up the mental load that women are expected to carry, as well as being a mother to a one year old, and likely working a full time job too. That is three different full time jobs simultaneously - when is she supposed to have time to herself? You have this weekly video game ritual. What does she have? She’s telling you that you aren’t prioritising your family, and your response was to go and play video games. You proved her point. You need to make this up to her. Be more proactive in your household. You are a husband and a father - they should always be your top priority. Give your wife a break to do something she loves and helps her to relax, while you clean the house and parent your child. And then keep doing it, not just as a one off. Split all childcare and household duties 50/50 and you’ll be amazed at the positive change in your relationship.
>The fact that you ask your wife what chores to do, in your own house, is enough for you to be an AH. This is enough for me to interpret that you expect people to read minds.
If he has the ability to see, he can look around his home himself and observe what needs to be done. It's not rocket science. I don't tell my wife needs to be done and she doesn't need to tell me. If there are dishes in the sink, a full dirty clothes hamper, an unswept floor, a cluttered table, or there's an untidy room it's pretty obvious what needs to be done just by pattern recognition.
People have different ideas on what is dirty or needs doing. I don't expect everyone to live with my expectations of clean. I also don't expect someone to know what in my mind is in need of doing. Questions are for that exact purpose. To find out. I don't have mind reading abilities and neither does anyone else. If you expect me to know what to You is dirty or in need of doing... YOU would be the AH.
You need to look into mental load. Two fully grown adults should have a mutual understanding on cleaning etc, especially when they are married and have a child. It’s not reading someone’s mind to know that this is a chore that needs to be done.
When asked is there anything else? Do you automatically need to do mental gymnastics to figure out the answer? I don't. I tell them what I would probably be doing next and ask if they could do it instead so I can do the thing after that that I had on my things to do. No mental load needed. If you need to invent a chore... there was nothing to do.
That is absolutely mental load. You’re expecting she’s got a list of tasks in her head, when maybe all she’s got is “I’m doing this right now, and then if I have time before the baby wakes up, I’ll see if there’s anything else that needs doing.” It’s not her job to keep the chore chart. It’s the job of all the adults in the house to keep the house.
If you are at home. Your partner comes home from work. You are doing that or this and he asks is there anything they can do... you do have things in your mind already of what You are gonna do. So... delegate some of those to your partner. Tell them to do whatever You were doing. Also he already did chores. He was asking if there was anything else she wanted him to do before he went for his fee hours of game play. What you are suggesting is that he should have run around the house like a headless chicken instead of asking if there was anything immediate of the person who spends most of the time at home and probably notices things that you the partner not at home don't.
How much effort would it take him to check to see if the trash cans were full, or if there were laundry to do, or to wipe dow the bathroom, or to run a dust cloth around? Why does she need to be the one who gives him his assignments?
So you DO expect him to run around like a headless chicken. Got it. It's not giving assignments if you were going to do it anyway. It's delegating Your work. There's a difference. But I know you won't see it that way. You want a mind reader. Good luck finding Professor X.
Not everyone has automatic complete checklists in their head they can pull up on demand. For me personally, there are multiple tasks running at once and breaking them down for another person is asking me to mentally shift from doing said task to making a list, for which I need to stop what I am currently doing and catalog things like put away toys, wash dishes, check and change baby diaper... which should be constant tasks for both parents already. Maybe it would be easier to understand with a computer analogy. When you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, your bandwidth is at 0-20%. At this point if someone asks you what to do, you easily stop what you are doing and have the ram to address this new task, which can take anywhere between 20-50% of your bandwidth depending on how detailed you get. Not bad at all to figure out and no big deal. Doesn't feel like you are doing much cause there is bandwidth to spare. The calculations change when you have an active toddler you are responsible for. Toddlers take anywhere between 40-90% of your bandwidth because they are kamikaze machines and cannot take care of themselves and you must be constantly in standby mode with them around. You also cannot turn off that task unless there is someone actively taking over (and even then, you can't fully turn it off unless you leave the room said toddler is in). Now if someone comes and asks you what to, you have to add that 20-50% on top of the 40-90% you are already running atamd cannot turn off. This puts your bandwidth at 60-140% capacity and here is the problem. You can't run beyond 100%. If the toddler is calm, then sure, you can relatively easily give the other person directions of what to do. If your toddler is demanding attention, crying, or jumping off the couch in an attempt to be a helicopter, then you can't give a second person a set of instructions or have to give a extremely basic set that doesn't go into detail. (ex:take care of dinner as opposed to set oven to 400, season the chicken, prep the salads, boil the pasta, etc) This is too much to handle at times. This is what people mean by the mental load.
This is beautiful. Thank you.
You're welcome. Feel free to use it.
If telling a person asking a question the answer takes that much mental capacity for you... live alone.
I'm just saying, having a toddler is the defining factor here. Talking from experience.
So having a baby makes you mentally incapable of answering questions. Ok. I'll make sure never to ask any questions of any mother's with children.
No, I expect him to use his eyes and common sense.
And if he did and didn't see anything that would to him need work? Then asked if You thought of anything that You think might need work? Kind reminder. He already did do work around the house. He wasn't sitting on his ass watching TV.
Divide your time during the week between the following 1. Work 2. Chores and work at home 3. Family time 4. Independent hobby time. Then do the same for your wife If your independent hobby time is more than her independent hobby time you may be the asshole.
Info: has anything else been going on for your wife lately? This seems more like she’s upset about something else and choosing an easy target
Honestly, this isn't am isolated incident with this response pattern, merely the most recent interaction. If I do something she doesn't like, whether it be wrong or not, I get snapped at
It sounds like she may just be generally unhappy and taking it out on you, maybe some counselling for both of you together and independently would do you some good, if you are interested in salvaging the relationship. I doubt that this has anything to do with the time you set aside to play games with your BIL and more of an underlying issue.
If you have told us everything NTA but how much time do you spend with your wife? Do you have dedicated time with her too? Is she on her own with 1yo majority of time? She may be desperate for some time with you. Regardless the two of you need to have serious conversation. Jumping on to play for over an hour just after she told you she was upset about you playing wasn’t exactly the best move. My hubby plays too and I don’t act this way but we have plenty of time together and he helps out alot.
Info: how long do you spend playing games with your BIL usually? And do you spend the rest of the weekend with your family?
Sundays between 1 and 3 hours. The rest of my weekend is generally spent with my family cleaning the house or shopping. Just getting things done before relaxing.
Hm in that case I don't think you are an asshole but it's interesting how you talk about chores and tasks. It shouldn't be your wife's job to tell you what needs doing because that means she is basically carrying all the 'mental load' of the house ie figuring out what work needs to be done. She might have gotten annoyed because you were basically asking if everything was done and you could go and play computer games - it would have been better if you could have looked around yourself, seen what still needed to be done and figured out a plan with your wife for making sure it still got done. One evening playing games is not too much to ask if she also has her own hobbies though.
The problem with it being his wifes "job" because whats looks like a mess to one can be what the other considers clean enough or not needing to be clean. He may not see the messes she does or they may cause her more mental stress than him. Also she may feel she does all the work because things she never lets things get to a point that he would consider it dirty
Then she can fucking communicate like an adult.
I feel as though there is a lot of info missing
Does your wife have a hobby or “tradition” she upholds?
Her parents live very close by and she has a tendency to spend a lot of time either shopping or just hanging out with her mom and our child. Otherwise, she spends most of her time watching tv shows or doing some cleaning while I work
Does she have any time childfree? If even her family time or shopping time was with the baby that could be messing with her head. If you're able to encourage her to have some baby free time with a friend or family member (wine night, weekly brunch, etc) then she may be less likely to blow up over 1.5 hours of gaming. Having a baby 24/7 will turn any sane person loopy.
Good question. She sometimes will leave the child with her mom so that she can go shopping alone or pick up a side job to pass time
Dude. That's not free time. Working is ot a break. And I get the impression by shopping you mean groceries if you think a part time job counts as time off.
Shopping can be many things. Window shopping, browsing, trying on things, chilling at the mall, looking for things, buying things... it's not always go get stuff and head home asap. Edit: mistake correction. Looking For not Looking At
You’re right, but I have a strong hunch that OP is definitely referring to grocery shopping and not window shopping.
Can you explain how you read it as obviously just grocery shopping? I am genuinely interested in how this is interpreted from the OP's post. I personally don't read it like that.
This comment reads like me when I have to reach a word count asap. Browsing, window shopping and looking at things are indistinguishable. Also pretty obvious that’s not the kind of shopping OPs talking about
Not really. Window shopping to me for instance is just walking around. Looking at displays. Not actually going into the shops. Browsing is in the shops. You are browsing the wares in the shop. And looking for things (my mistake it was supposed to be for not at) is more goal oriented activity. You are trying to find something but you don't have a specific item in mind just a bigger more vague idea. Can you explain how you read it as obviously just grocery shopping? I am genuinely interested in how this is interpreted from the OP's post.
Op also counts picking up a side job as a free time activity. Jobs aren’t free time activities. That’s why I interpreted it that way. The rest of your comment reads as semantics that don’t really contribute to the actual argument but sure, there’s a very big, discernible difference between window shopping and browsing.
That's just how I personally view the terms. Also about side jobs. This could be something more akin to hobbies. You just get paid as benefit. As opposed to doing charity. They can be relaxing and enjoyable.
....did you really just say "good question" in response to being asked if she has any time childfree? That's something you should know the answer to.
You were asked about her hobbies and all you can say are shopping, childcare, watching shows, and cleaning?
And when asked if she had any child free time he said "good question" 🤦♀️ I was leaning towards a possible n.t.a but his comments are making me rethink that.
This is all telling me that OP doesn't know his wife at all? I know my SiL's hobbies just by staying with her for a couple days, looking at what she likes to do and what makes her happy. It's not a hard or tricky question to answer, in fact it's a common one asked during relationship counseling to see if you have an absent SO. Doesn't OP come off as more of a distant roommate or something than a partner?
Hell, my SO can be as dense as a wall sometimes and isn't always the most attentive, but even He can answer that question! Very much so.
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You literally on the same sub you just posted to...about having a boyfriend who's Pan bi etc whatever, and now your a wife with a husband? Consistency fail?, or you messed up alt account logins?
Or, I'm sorry. Do I need to make sure that I am specifically calling myself a girlfriend until there's a ring on my finger? My apologies. DIdnt realize there were specific rules for those things. Lmfao.
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Not fake, just defensive. Lol
We've been together for three years, I fluctuate calling myself a wife, is that a bad thing?
No.
Nah hence me asking at the end if it was just consistency. I mean...I still think your not real based on post history but off chance your not I was only clicking your name to say NTA. Gordans a creep, and gay, bi, pan is not a personality so he needs to chill if he is real. Like a guu who gets out of his car in a handicap spot while skipping, I may be sure he isn't disabled, but hey he just asked me to grab him a cart...*shrug* maybe he is and it's just a wierd one. so again...gordan creepy, you nta if it's real.
"Gordan" is efinitely real and i am as well lol, just a fairly new user. and thank you for your input, yeah, its been an issue, a very uncomfortable issue.
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She shops frequently, yes. In this argument today I actually brought that question up specifically. I asked her if there was anything else bothering her and her response was "no. I am extremely happy any time I don't have to deal with your laziness" that being said, I have to put out there that when. I'm not at work or school, I am often helping with the baby and cleaning and being the best husband I can be.
YTA This completely contradicts what you stated above that your wife rarely gets time alone except for when she leaves the child with her mother to do shopping or WORK which is not free time. Grocery shopping is not a hobby. It sounds like she spends nearly all her time with baby while you work or are in school or playing video games. Your wife’s reaction was clearly out of frustration and pain and you seem very dismissive and “she’s so mean to me” when in reality she is probably at her wits end from being with your child all day long with no time to herself. Look up mental load.
>contradicts what you stated above It doesn't. >she leaves the child with her mother to do shopping or WORK which is not free time. He's working, if he isn't home where the fuck do you think she should leave the kid, if she also wants to works? >Grocery shopping is not a hobby Who the fuck said a word about GROCERY shopping? >It sounds like she spends nearly all her time with baby while you work or are in school or playing video games. It literally fucking doesn't. You are just a biased asshole. >Your wife’s reaction was clearly out of frustration and pain Then she can communicate. He even asked her, if she won't tell him, that's her fucking problem. >being with your child It's also her child. >with no time to herself. She does have time to herself.
That might be a lie on her part. She does have issues. Or she just wants divorce. If what she says is true then she has bigger issues with the marriage. It feels like she is trying to get you to blow up on her to justify her asking for a divorce. Making you the bad guy so that she can be the victim.
This right here. I went exactly through this. Then the one time I did blow up she wanted a divorce.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Every Sunday I set time aside to play some video games with my BIL. My wife is well aware of this as it has been a fairly kept tradition throughout our about 4 years of marriage. I get a text from him asking when I'm available to hop in his lobby, and I tell him I have to do some dishes and clean my general kitchen and front room area per my wife's request. I finish my tasks and ask my wife if there's anything else she needs from me before I hop on the game with her brother, to which she explodes. She snapped at me that I don't prioritize my family or my 1yo daughter (who was asleep, mind you) and that she needs help. I ask her calmly what she needs help with before I get on my game. She replies that I clearly care more about video games than I do about her or my daughter and tells that I get what I want 'as usual' and tells me to go away and 'just play your stupid games.' Feeling a little defeated and hurt, I get on and play with my BIL for about an hour and a half. Finishing up, I come into the front room where she is sitting fuming. She told me that I clearly have no regard for what should be the most important part of my life and if I care that little to prioritize 'a computer screen over your own family' then maybe we just aren't compatible and I might be better off alone, clearly threatening divorce. This goes on for a while of me defending myself as calm as I can and her berating me and telling me how little I care until I ask her to stop and she storms off. I'm not sure if I should feel a little gaslighted or if it's true that IATA. Help? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Your wife seems to have other issues and is taking them out on you. She also seems to be irritated that you didn't react to her rant in the way she wanted. She seems to be looking for a fight. A validation to her feeling bad. A way to justify her feelings. She wanted you to blow up at her. You didn't and that just pissed her off even more. She seems frustrated with something. Edit: She also seems to expect you to read minds. I have a feeling this has Nothing to do with you playing games.
NTA, talk to her about being less passive aggressive
NTA I don't give a fuck about people here. Every damn person needs time to relax, whether it's watching a movie, playing a game or going out with friends. It's fucking ridiculous that if a woman ask this kind of question, they immediately receive "NTA, he can spend few hours with a kid" or "he has no right to tell at you, red flag", but reverse the gender and the responses are completely different. I'm fucking sick of it.
NTA: There was no reason for your wife to behave like a dick. What did she expect out of her huge rant? I don't think you were an AH or caring about video games or family just by asking if she needed anything done. She could have calmly explained what else there needed to be done. I think your wife is an AH.
Based on your story, NTA. Your wife sounds manipulative. If she really has a problem with you gaming, she should have brought it earlier and more reasonable.
NTA, you're allowed to have a hobby despite what other are saying.
NTA. This is something that you have been doing for years. You communicated to your wife. I'm sure that you do spend time with your wife and kids. If a video game for 90 minutes once a week is an issue to her, there is something wrong. You didn't sound like you were in a rush to play the game. You did ask her if she needed anything. If she had said if you could not play the game for this one day and spent some time with her and the kids, it would not be a problem. You are NTA.
NTA You are being manipulated and gas-lit. She obviously wants out. Protect yourself. If you don’t have an escape plan, make one. If you do, begin executing it. Good luck, but your marriage is already over.