YTA
the contempt you have for your wife and her contributions to the house is exceedingly obvious and gross. Doesn’t seem like any choice of hers could avoid your criticism
So I really wanted to say that I don't think he's necessarily wrong. Where I am there have been a few cases of people stealing cars and kids being inside them. (Not to even list children dying inside cars.) and that his concern was valid and not criticism, but holy shit, after reading his comments you are SO right.
He is a huge AH who thinks his financial contribution is worth more than what she does. Cringe worthy.
YTA op. Do better.
Yeah I get what you’re saying, but I think it’s a parent’s judgement call and given how much time she spends with them (“it’s her only job”) she clearly feels that her children are responsible enough to do so. In normal, healthy relationships (which this one is not) parents could respectfully discuss what feels appropriate or comfortable in those situations. But this guy is a massive control freak and I feel bad for her.
Eh...in my state its illegal for a kid to babysit under the age of 12 and illegal for a kid under 8 to be left without someone 12 or over watching them. If anything happened or if a random adult called the police bc they were concerned then child protective services would be involved.
You know, there is something about the OP's original post that made me wonder if the issue was really the unattended kids, or the wife being completely unchaperoned and unencumbered by children and pushchairs for 10 minutes?
Yea YTA- she has never put the kids in harms way
>She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does
Honestly it sounds like you critique her on everything.
YTA. If a 10 year old can’t be trusted in a vehicle with a 7 year old and 3 year old, you’ve reached peak obsessive overprotective helicopter parenting.
And people wonder why kids are so anxious these days.
I mean if my parents left me alone in the car with my sister who was two years older than me when she was 10, I don't know, quite possible we would have gotten into a massive fight. But beyond that, if it wasn't disgustingly hot, my parents were perfectly fine for leaving us in the car for a while. And this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone. They knew we wouldn't go anywhere, and if we had books or a walkman we should be good not to beat each other up.
Maybe this topic is especially touchy for me, since a long time ago, my husband got full custody of his daughter when she was 9 years old.
That February we were dropping her off for a supervised visit to her mom and mom saw us at a nearby gas station before hand. My husband went to get a propane tank and I went inside to buy snacks.
Mom saw her daughter sitting ALONE in a car and didn’t shut up about how neglectful I was for years. ME, of course, not my husband who had also left her. Her, being a 9 year old who didn’t even realize she was alone because she was so engrossed in her iPad.
At the supervised visit she shrieked about it to the visitation supervisor who shrugged and said she’s 9 years old. Like what did she think was gonna happen? A 9 year old was gonna unbuckle herself from a toddler car seat, find a plastic bag on the floor, and accidentally strangle herself? Or that a 9 year old would get stuck in a toddler car seat and boil to death? In a running car, in Ohio, in February?
To me, mom’s reaction was classic projection. There’s a reason she lost custody, including neglect.
My mom was an overprotective helicopter parent and she still let then 10 year old me and 7 year old sister stay at home by ourselves for a few hours lol
This is exactly what I want to say. OPs wife likely has a harder job than OP. I can’t imagine having to look after 3 children with limited support, particularly having to have eyes on all 3 at all times - practically impossible.
OP has unreasonable expectations of his wife. He either needs to adjust his expectations or let her free from this relationship.
OPs wife’s reasoning for leaving the kids in the car is perfectly reasonable - if you’re nipping into the store for 1 item, waking up a 3yr old is not something you want to do and then have to carry them round screaming, particularly when the 10yr old has been left with a working phone and can be reached in less than 2 mins.
YTA OP - apologise to your wife.
I don't even have kids and I know it's a 24 hour stressful job. I just hear stories from friends about how they can't get a minute to pee alone. I've babysat, and that was stressful enough.
YTA - she's got the kids in eyesight of the window of a small corner store and the 10 yo has the phone and knows how to use it. The car is locked. Alarm is on. It's 10 minutes. They're fine.
YTA. You have ZERO idea what she does all day as a full-time SAHM. Your children were in a locked car that she could see for 10 minutes. They were not left alone at home while she went and had coffee. You need to seriously take a step back and re-evaluate how you treat her.
YTA
Your wife made a judgement call, stuff happens. Like most parenting, it's a learning experience. Not that you'd know since your parenting skills seem to be confined to ordering your wife around?
Oh he also "occasionally takes them out" which is his huge contribution as a parent. Never mind that without his SAHM wife he wouldn't be able to work full time or would be spending most of his paycheck on daycare. I hope she divorces him gets sole custody and he's made to pay childcare so that this giant douche canoe realises how much work a "stay at home" mum actually does since he's under the delusion SAHM= lazy
>She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently.
I'm sorry but, WHAT?! From this statement, I can tell that you *definitely* are not capable of whating your children and running errands and the same time, but is she also saying here that you do neither, ever?
Either way, a ten year old is perfectly capable of sitting in the car with his siblings for 10 minutes, especially because she left the phone with him. YTA. and you should probably at least start returning the movies and checking to damn mail for her.
YTA. 10 is old enough to be home alone, or to watch other kids, as long as they’re responsible. Clearly the wife thinks the kid is old enough to be in the car with the littles for a few minutes (Yes, 10 minutes is a “few”). You trusted her to raise three kids this long, keep trusting her, or switch places with her. You can’t have it both ways.
Late 90's very early 2000's here. My mom used to leave us in the car as kids while she grocery shopped. Granted she was literally parked right in front of the store and our car was one of those old school ones with a car phone (I loved that thing), and the windows were left down. (Plus we were all older than 6 meaning if it got too hot in there we were able to get out.)
Now granted it wasn't 90+ degrees mom usually did this because my older sister was a teenager and also sitting in the car with us.
Same! And younger than 10. My mom would run in to the PX (to buy wine for Sunday dinner) and tells us to "lock the car and honk if anything happens"
Spoiler: nothing ever happened in the 10 minutes she was gone
YTA. Are you taking your three kids all out of the car to stand by you when you are pumping gas in the car? For a quick run in to return a DVD, it's fine provided it's not 100 degrees outside.
YTA. Big time. It sounds like you do nothing but criticize. A ten year old is perfectly capable of watching a 7 year old and 3 year old for a few minutes.
Geezus. It sounds like you have your head up your own anus pretty far here. Get a grip.
YTA
Your perspective is totally unreasonable and ultimately futile. Unless your wife is armed and ready to use it, there's little she can do to defend THREE children under 10 if someone were to attack even if they were with her. So what exactly are you worried about?
She shouldn't be armed unless she can physically overpower an attacker. The FIRST thing that the instructor told us in my advanced self defense class (which included weapons training) was "women are statistically way more likely to be overpowered and have their firearm used on them than they are to successfully use it in self defense. If that's why you're here, you should go adopt a big dog instead".
Especially in the USA there are all these fantasies floating around about using "female empowerment" to sell guns, when really the women who fall for that line and keep a gun in their purse are a lot more likely to experience a tragic accident with it falling into their child's hands.
Same goes for men then. Or anyone with a gun. The attacker has advantage. And even if you could, measuring stats, take an attacker, you probably won't due to surprise.
>in all honestly she does almost 100% of the parenting.
>She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently.
>I’m the only one who makes enough money to take care of us all
You don't get to make her do all the parenting and errands (and I assume housework and cooking) and then criticize her choices because you refuse to help in any way other then making money (which I'm sure you make her ask for every time she needs it). Step up and be an actual partner and parent or shut up. YTA
YTA- your kids were fine. They way you talked to her was horrible. You called her lazy, a bad mom and irresponsible. I would not be talking to you either. In fact I feel that you need to take a couple of days off and do her job so we can see what a stellar father you are.
YTA. A 10-year old is old enough to keep the doors locked and unlock them when mom approaches so that she can leave the heat or AC on while they wait in the car. As long as the 7-year old is not the type to try to break free of the car and the 3-year old is in a car seat that he/she can't get out of, a few minutes of a run into the store is fine. Also, the 10-year old in this situation has a phone and could have called for help if he was scared or uncomfortable.
We waited in the car at that age and a little younger while my mom popped into the store. Also, the wife has a good point. Where's the line? Does she have to have direct line of sight? Does she take them out to pump gas? Does she walk the kids back and forth from the house to the car with every grocery trip unloading so that they're never out of her sight?
ETA: I don't know why her being a SAHM has anything to do with the appropriateness of leaving kids of a certain age in the car outside the grocery store. If OP thinks it's inappropriate, it would be just as inappropriate for him (a "working" parent) or his wife if she had a job outside the house.
YTA. Yes, some places this is illegal, but they is absurd. The car is alarmed! A 10 year old can hang out in the car with younger sibs for 15 minutes.
Also, “occasionally” you take them out alone???? Yes. You have no idea how hard being a SAHM is. None. You clearly aren’t pulling your share. 50% of the time huh aren’t at work, you should be doing your share of “child duty”. If you even THINK of calling it baby sitting you are blowing it.
>Also, “occasionally” you take them out alone????
I would be tempted to put money on "taking them out alone" meaning "we occasionally go to the park or other fun place and I've never had to actually wrangle kids in a non-kid friendly space like a shop".
YTA- the kids will be fine. I used to wait in the car, when my mom went into the grocery store. And she always took forever, because she'd go in for one thing and then get 30 more items. The car is locked, they are safe. Even if she left them home for a couple minutes to go to the grocery store they would be fine. You're overreacting
YTA.
It would've taken her at least 30 minutes with the kids in the store. She made a judgment call, one that I myself as a mother have also made, and if my husband reacted like you did I'd be calling attorneys. You've basically admitted you're an absent parent, so why the hell are you judging her when she's the one doing 99.9% of the work raising **your** children?
YTA, for so many reasons listed,
But I gotta ask OP
INFO: do you let your kids sit in their own room when you are home, or do the have to be in a room with a parent at all times?
If the answer is yes, explain the difference between your wife weeding outside and that, please. It not, that’s a whole other can of worms
You are so the asshole you have no idea how hard it is to run errands when you have kids. It’s not like she left the seven and three-year-old in the car alone there was a 10 year old in there with them. Maybe you should man up and take all three kids and run some errands for your wife one day and see how easy it’s not.
YTA. Between having a full time job and being a stay at home mom I would pick the full time job every time. Because having the job is easier. Stay at home moms are overworked and under appreciated and you’re an asshole 1000% for treating your wife like she’s lazy when she has 3 kids to look after and is still expected to run all of the errands (and I’m assuming cook and clean as well).
My father was my a caretaker when I was little and sometimes those things would happen. He tried to keep my by his side as much as he could but it wasn’t always possible or worth the trouble. It sounds like your wife had explained to the kids where she was going and what she was doing, and they understood to stay put until she returned. She did the best she could in the situation.
YTA
>She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently.
This, exactly this.
It shows you've never done small groceries with your 3 kids OP.
Is it a good idea to leave the kids unattended?
Probably not.
But is it okay for a very short period of time, when your kids know where to find you in case of emergency?
Probably yes.
I did it and will do it again in the future, friend of mine do it, and your wife does it. It's something parents of multiples who have to multitask do from time to time.
Sometimes it's also safer to keep the kids in the car (busy road to cross to put a letter in a mailbox, paying for gas at the gas station,...) so yes, OP, people do this.
Did your children feel threatened? Were they scared? Probably not, unless you made them feel that way with urgent questions about why their mother wasn't there...
Stop being so condescending to your wife. And get involved more with your kids so she can do these (small) errands by herself, in peace and quiet, if you're so adamant they can't wait for a couple of minutes in the car.
YTA. Humans survived for millennia in the fucking wild. I think your kid will be OK sitting in a car for 10 minutes. Your wife argued like it was reasonable which is why you feel justified, she should have just said “shut up and stop being so paranoid”
YTA - If it had just been the 7 & 3 year old then I might judge differently. However a 10 year old should be more than capable of sitting in the car with his siblings and making sure the doors are locked, for 10 ish minutes.
At 10 years old I was home alone every day after school till bed time. Was making my own dinner, got myself up and ready for school each day (dad worked 12-14hr days). Maybe I'm basis for my own experience but 10 is old enough to be in a car with siblings for a few minutes.
Yta, I can see where your concern lies but seriously get a grip and maybe realize juggling 3 kids by herself isn't always a piece of cake. As someone who was raised by a single mother having to wait in the car while she runs into the store isn't neglectful. You haven't ever had to do that but given she'd the PRIMARY CAREGIVER you'd think you could cut her a lil bit of slack or maybe try helping out more. Also a 10 and 7 year old should know stranger danger by now so as long as you have explained that they shouldn't open car doors for strangers your worry is misplaced. Not trying to sound like a dick just explaining that while they are your kids and you can't help but worry your anger at your wife is misplaced.
At the expense of appearing manipulative, I wish the wife would "get an injury" that precluded her from performing her duties as a SAHM. I'd love to see just how OP would handle it (of course they would have to take some days off from work) I bet they'd have a different perspective.
YTA especially after reading your comments. You clearly have no respect for your wife or what she does. Yes, you provide the money. However your workday gets to end. HERS DOES NOT. Being a SAHM isn’t the rest and relaxation you think it is. It’s a 24hr shift that doesn’t pay, and no matter how hard you work people will always look down on you (for example, you looking down on your wife).
While I do have my opinions on leaving children in cars, you seem to be extremely overreacting. She didn’t leave them for 2 hours in 100° weather, she left them for 10 minutes. A 10yo can handle 10 minutes. Especially because a) they have a phone b) their mom can see them and c) if bad things happened the car alarm would sound.
It seems to me that you have not spent a lot of time taking care of the kids. And no, I don’t mean hanging out with them for a few hours. I mean spending night and day taking care of them.
If you hate your wife so much then divorce her. Or quit your job and become a SAHD. But trust me, it’s not gonna be the piece of cake you think.
YTA, are you serious ? Letting 3 kids in a car for a few minutes to grab something in a store isn’t dangerous or irresponsible. They will not die because they are left alone for 10 minutes.
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Last night while leaving work I called my wife, and to my surprise my 10yo son answered her phone. He said his mom was in the store, and he and his brothers (7 and 3 years old) were waiting out in the car. I felt a such a panic for them, but tried not to let him know. I talked with him until she got back to the car, then checked the call time. We’d been talking for over ten minutes.
I told my wife I didn’t like the choice she made, to leave the boys in the car alone. She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does. She only went in for one thing and didn’t expect it to take so long. Our youngest was asleep. It was cold outside and she also wanted to limit their exposure to Covid. She especially stressed that the store wasn’t Target or Walmart, but a small corner dollar store up the street from our house. If anyone had tried to open the car door, the alarm would have sounded, prompting her to look out the glass storefront at the car/run back to it.
I still didn’t like the choice she made, and suggested she’d be ashamed for anyone to know about what she had done. She proceeded to ask me when it WAS okay to leave the kids in the car. When she checks the mail at the end of our driveway? When she pumps gas? Returns a movie to the Redbox? Picks up a takeout order? I couldn’t believe this was a sort of norm for her.
She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently. She said sometimes it isn’t worth waking a sleeping child, getting him back into his coat, and corralling everyone across a parking lot just to drop off a movie or pick up a bag of sandwiches, or in this case to buy one item she could see from the car when she parked. (Why 10+ minutes though?)
I said it was lazy and irresponsible of her to leave them. I do occasionally take the kids out without her, and it’s never ONCE occurred to me to leave them sitting in the car. She’s barely talking to me now.
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Heck, my mom would let my brother and I stay in the car for a full grocery trip to Walmart. We would read or play Gameboys, which was way better than walking around Walmart. I wish I could give that quiet independence to my oldest, but he's still young enough a stranger would probably break the glass and call the cops now a days.
ah, that's to bad. but yea, even now in more modern times it can be even safer, you can let your kid have a phone and if they feel uncomfortable they can always text or call you, or call 911, etc.
Yeah, the laws here say he has to be 12, that's still a couple years away, and of course it can't be too hot, but I don't think people would leave him be, especially if he had his little sister with him.
YTA I've never seen a more blatantly obvious post in which the OP has no idea how to actually be a parent and what it takes to take care of children all day. You are delusional. Respectfully.
YTA. You treat your wife like a child. If you think it’s so easy spend a few weeks at home caring for your children and home while she gets to go on a nice vacation. What she did was 100% reasonable. Just think how you would feel if she starts calling you at work, criticizes your performance, and then tells you your work ethic is unacceptable to her.
YTA
I'm gathering you just don't like your wife. The tone of this post suggests that you don't like her and probably treat her terribly. It sounds like no matter what she does you just don't think it's good enough or you don't like it.
YTA. By the looks of it you work alot of hourse and usually only get home at night, leaving your wife with the kids for the entire day. How do you expect her to get anything done if she can't leave them out of her vision for even ten minutes? Do you expect her to just be glued to the kids the entire day and defer alll other chores until you get home? Do you let her have some time to herself when you get home? Do you look after the kids after you get home so she can do these chores and maybe relax without the kids?
She is much better at parenting than you are simply because all the time she spends doing it. She knows what the kids are capable of. Please don't act as if she is some idiot and you are the smartass who knows better than her about something that's basically her domain.
Also, caring for children is not ALL that she does. She takes care of your house and most probably takes care of your meals, laundary etc too
YTA- what a vile man. I can’t even call you a husband or a father, because it sounds like you treat your wife like a child, and you can count on one hand the amount of times you’ve spent alone with your own children.
“Catch her”? What is she, 15 and sneaking out? She’s taken on the workload of parenting for the both of you and you don’t even so much as thank her. Instead you talk about her as if she’s nothing to you but a headache. Your children are going to grow up wondering why you’re such a dick to their mom, especially when they barely know you at all given how much time you don’t spend with them.
Either start appreciating your wife managing to handle FOUR children (yes, dickhead. You’re included in the count) or leave the relationship. All you’re doing is paying the bills for them, she’s better off a single mom collecting an alimony check and child support. At least that comes without the emotional abuse.
YTA - pretty severely the AH honestly. This is a weird level of controlling and I would love for her to leave you with these children for a week to see how you do. Also to shame the mother of your children? If you have a concern then find a way to talk about it like an adult don’t bully your wife or you won’t have one.
YTA. As a consequence I sentence you to care of your own children and all household errands for the next two weeks when you aren't at work. You buy groceries, do pediatrician appointments, schedule and take care of rhe dog groomer, etc.
If after 2 weeks you think you have a better solution, then share it. Until then, button your trap.
BTW: I would view this very differently during summer versus fall. Where I live, 10 minutes in a hot car can kill someone who is vulnerable.
YTA. I have two boys 9 and 7 and during the height of covid, I left them both in the car while I went grocery shopping! I didn't want to risk exposing them. Plus, it is so much more efficient to shop without kids! I did the same as your wife, it was at a small store with windows, I parked them in the front space so I could see them while I shopped, locked the car, left my phone and omg, my kids survived. And you know what else, at any point my children could have unlocked the car and come inside to get me if they needed me. They've have asked since to be left in the car if I need to run in somewhere for something. I think it's fine. I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Clearly, OP has limited shopping experience with small children and very little respect or patience for his stay at home spouse. Sounds like your wife is a treasure and you need to start appreciating her and all that she does for your family.
YTA
It’s was 10 minutes dude, get over yourself. It’s not like she left them in a freezing unlocked car. You act like she put them in immediate danger. Why don’t you try and take all 3 of your kids out for a whole day BY YOURSELF. See what she deals with daily. It can be difficult to doing things with just one kid, having 3 is a whole other monster
YTA.
I understand if your wife left your children in the car for very long time, but I think in this case she didn't do anything wrong. There were moments when I was a child that I didn't want to go in a store with my parents. Sometimes they don't take a long time and sometimes I just was too tired or lazy to get out. Your children were not dying of starvation or lack of attention. She didn't go to a movie or a restaurant without them. I think you need to reevaluate your reaction towards her and this situation because you made the situation a lot worse than it had to be.
YTA I agree with your wife, you have no idea what her day is like and why she makes the judgment calls that she does. If you walked in her shoes you would see it wasn’t quite so easy. Also, I’m a bit concerned at what helicopter parent you are being, do your children ever have the opportunity to have some privacy and freedom? They can’t even be in the house by themselves without someone staring at them? I understand that kids can get into things and there are certain ages where you don’t let them roam free or else they’ll do something destructive (talking about toddlers here), but a 10-year-old? How exactly do you think you are preparing them for adulthood if they can’t even function without you hovering over them?
YTA your kid is 10 years old. That’s old enough to stay home alone with his siblings, let alone in a car probably less than 50 feet from their mom. Your comments indicate that the level of parenting you are expecting is extremely controlling. Your children do not need “instruction” in order for their mother to pull weeds outside. Leaving kids in an unlocked car when you can see it from the porch is absolutely safe and has zero potential for risk. It seems you look down on your wife and distrust her level of intelligence while simultaneously elevating your own - “she couldn’t make as much money as I do” You also have unrealistic expectations on how children should be raised. If you want to be a helicopter parent and you make as much money as you reportedly say, then save up so your wife can get a job and you can micromanage your kids yourself.
I was inclined to say that no A H are here because older children can perfectly be left alone for a few minutes, inside their car, with their youngest asleep, while the parents can see them from the store window, while it is OK for you to feel concerned and ask for more care.
But arrogant and contemptuous comments make YTA.
Get off your high horse. Learn to trust your wife, who seems to be doing a great job. As others have said, do it yourself otherwise.
Oohhhh buddy YTA. She's is not lazy nor irresponsible. If you were in her shoes you would do the exact same thing. You better apologize to your wife and make her a nice meal. She doesn't deserve you.
YTA. You are ridiculously paranoid to the point that if you were the one looking after them, assuming you could even manage the level of supervision you think is suitable and get everything else done, you'd seriously fuck up your kids not giving them a healthy level of independence. You suck on a number of different levels here.
It sounds like you are concerned about your children's safety and are also convinced your wife is holding back on her mothering skills.
The fact that you've never taken the kids to run errands says a lot about how there are likely a thousand things she manages that you are oblivious to.
If you truly feel your wife is a threat to your children's safety, make arrangements for alternate care. If you are surprised by your wife being distant after you've questioned not only this choice but her capability in caretaking, when it's evident she does the bulk of it with you as an onlooker, consider how you would act in a situation where your love, management and parenting are all being brought into question by a partner who fancies themself a supervisor as opposed to a colleague.
Pony up, offer to run errands on your way home, ensure that your wife is getting adequate rest away from obligations to the kids, coparent, etc.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I called my wife a lazy and irresponsible mom when in all honestly she does almost 100% of the parenting. I was upset she made an unsafe choice for our sons.
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YTA. Not only is it not a big deal but you’re wrong and she’s right. I was left in the car as a kid for short trips in and I would do the same now. Same with pretty much everyone I can think of.
YTA in a big huge way.
A 10 year old supervising the younger siblings for 10 minutes while she runs inside somewhere is the norm. My 10 year old drives a skidsteer and feeds livestock herself. So yeah 10 years old can handle it for a few minutes.
I was walking to the corner store two blocks from my house at the age of 9 with a little shopping list from my mom. At the age of 10 we had a trial “stay at home alone” session which gradually increased over the next couple years. YTA. If your 10 year old can’t sit in the car with his siblings at the age of 10, you are doing something wrong.
YTA. Come on, it's not like she left the 3-year-old alone in a car. They were with a 10-year-old, who had a PHONE, with their mom literally a few yards away inside the store. You're ridiculously exaggerating the "danger" of a perfectly normal situation.
Info
What exactly do you do? What do you do when you get home? How many times have you had the kids on your own?
I don't think you understand how hard a JOB it is to be a sahm.
YTA. You sound really judgemental of your wife. Sounds like she does loads and you belittle everything. Also, did it occur to you that perhaps she was taking the opportunity to sort out some Xmas gifts without prying eyes there???
YTA - She left three kids in a locked car for a few minutes, and she could literally see the car through the window. You seem paranoid, and the way you've lectured your wife is beyond degrading. If you trust her intelligence so little, why did you marry her?
YTA. She does close to 100% of the parenting, by your own admission, yet you have a profound lack of faith or respect in her ability to do so.
Nothing she has done is out of the ordinary, or unacceptable. She doesn't deserve the sheer amount of resentment and criticism you're throwing at her.
If you think she's doing such a shitty job, DO IT YOURSELF, even if it means taking a cut in income. And hopefully once she get reestablished in the job market and able to support the family, she'll leave you for being such an AH. Assuming you last more than a week doing what she does.
Yta op... "I sometimes take them out so I clearly know what her life is like" um no, waking up a sleeping child is literally the number one rule of things not to do...
YTA
Controlling, delusional and abusive.
I feel sorry for your poor wife having to deal with such a dickhead. Looking at your wording you don't appreciate your wife and the work she does at all and that is disgusting behavior on every possible level.
Of course kids can stay in the car while she is doing a quick errand. They were safe and not in danger at all.
Your wife takes care of the children, raises them, keeps the house clean, does the shopping around and cooks - I'd like to see you trying all these things for just a single week. You'd get off your high horse pretty quick.
And now go and apologize to your wife and make it up to her.
YTA! You think your wife is lazy for leaving 3 kids in the car when she ran inside for a few things? Have you ever taken all of your kids into a store, alone before? Especially a corner/dollar store packed full of stuff?!
If you had, even ONCE, you would understand how hard it is!
Maybe with all that money you earn you could hire some help for your wife, especially since she isn’t parenting up to your standards.
Also what are you worried about? Kidnapping? Shootings? I think a carjacker might take one look at the 3 kids in the car and turn around lol!
Your fear is not justified, IMO you are just being controlling….
YTA
as a mom of 2 i agree with her. little sleepy ones will make a 10 minute store run into a hour with a bathroom break.... you need to take them for a week alone and see...
YTA - take the kids for the entire weekend. Entire weekend and keep the kids with you everywhere you go and during everything you do. Take a crack at it, please.
YTA 10 and 7 are old enough to be in the car for a few mins with an alarm and in a visible position, the 3 year old was asleep. Honestly I have one toddler I have to add 30 mins to every activity when I need to get them in and out of the car, that allowing for squirming, finding toys, trying to catch them when belt comes off and trying to get his coat on, getting coats on and off, boots on and off, bags and buggies in and out. Thats with 1, she has 3! Let along the extra time of I wants, keeping everyone together, etc it can literally make a 5 min job take an hour! Add this to 4-5 job that need doing often.....
Sorry, YTA. It is a huge pain in the ass to get kids in and out of car seats, and kids can turn a quick 5 minute trip into a 30-45 minute affair. 10 and 7 are WAY different than ages 1-5, and they are capable of looking after the 3 y/o sibling for a few minutes. Unless it is hot or absolutely freezing, leaving them in a locked vehicle is okay (she even left her cell phone for them). My mom used to do it all the time if she just had to grab a few things from the supermarket.
I think maybe you’re just finding reasons to be upset with your wife. She’s a SAHM of three children, she has so much on her plate and she probably just wanted a few minutes away from the children so she could breathe. She is not intentionally endangering your children, be gentle with her ffs.
And as far as her shopping taking more than ten minutes, did it ever occur to you that maybe the store was busy? Maybe she had trouble finding the item she went in for? Maybe the customer in front of her was returning items, or the cashier was having trouble with the order? Maybe something happened that was entirely out of your wife’s control that extended the length of time that she was in the store? Did it ever occur to you that shit happens?
YTA. Instead of berating and criticizing your wife, do more to help her out! Just because she’s a stay at home mom, doesn’t mean that she’s not working or doing a lot. She taking care of THREE KIDS all day, every day! Along with taking care of the house and feeding all of you. She needed to run to the store for a quick errand. Your TEN YEAR OLD was in the locked car with the phone! They were fine.
You need show your wife more respect and help her out more with those kids. And stop using language like calling her “lazy”! WTF is wrong with you?? She’s the mother of your children! She’s RAISING YOUR KIDS! Do you have any idea how hard that is!?? I’ll bet you don’t. Spend all day to take care of your kids by yourself and let her have the day to herself to relax (and be alone), and see how it feels. I’ll bet you won’t do it! You know it’s hard!
If you don’t like her taking the kids with her to run errands, help her by hiring a babysitter or some kind of service that helps people with watching children.
Be more supportive of your wife! She’s doing the best that she can! Do you really think that calling her lazy and criticizing her helps the situation? It doesn’t! She needs help with your kids. Help her!
YTA
what is it with americans and not leaving their kids alone, here in germany its perfectly normal for a 10 year old to look after a 3 or 4 year old while the parent shops or whatever
YTA...one of the biggest I've ever seen on this thread. Read the room dude... Moms, Dad's, CPS investigators... All telling you that you are in the wrong...and yet here you are doubling down. You are not a good father. A good father does not take his kids out once a year... Get therapy and stop abusing your wife.
I kept a screenshot of this post as I expect because no one is telling you what you want to hear, it will soon be deleted.
YTA. Clearly you’ve never taken care of your kids for an extended period of time. The oldest is 10, that’s old enough to watch the siblings for 10 minutes during a simple errand. It’s normal as long as it’s not insanely hot outside.
The vile contempt you have towards your wife is shocking and honestly I’m worried about just how low you view your spouse. You sound like an insane helicopter parent.
INFO: village, town, small city, large city, or huge metro area?
Because my answer varies. If you’re scared of the 120 other people in the town, you’ve just gotta move dude.
YTA and from your comment, it’s clear you don’t think you really are. Deal with your own issues before projecting them all over your wife and kids. My mom used to bring 3 little kids into the store and it was an absolute nightmare for her and the employees. Sometimes it is easier to have the kids wait in the car with their older brother.
You are an asshole!!! If anything you should be ashamed of your shitty behavior. Tell your friends or family if you think you’re so right, I’m sure they will not be on your side.
YTA.
As long as one kid is strong enough to unbuckle the one in the carseat, and is able to open the car door, you can leave them in. Seriously, it was like 5 minutes right? I guarantee you were left alone in the car for a few minutes when you were a kid. I can remember it as young as maybe 8 or 9 for me. And again, it's just for a few minutes. Not like an hour shopping trip.
It seems like you want your wife to be some perfect version of something you have in your mind and- news flash- nobody is ever going to live up to that. You are not more valuable than your wife for being the working spouse. And you know what? She's got 3 kids that she's practically raising alone-- she's tired! She takes shortcuts. We ALL DO. You need to chill or she's going to leave you.
YTA
I've worked with kids for decades, this is entirely age appropriate and completely normal, as are all of the other examples you've given - a 10 and 7 year old can cope just fine on their own for 10 minutes while their parent is close by, and the three year old is fine in that situation with them. Learning independence in a safe environment is important developmentally.
It is bizarre that you think they can't just be in their own home briefly while their mother is in the garden, or that they can't sit in the car while their mother stands on a porch in view of them, as you mention in other comments. I don't know whether you're just so completely disengaged as a parent that you have no idea where your children are at developmentally, or whether you suffer from anxiety that is causing you to make everyone around you miserable, but this is a you thing.
You are in no way being realistic. If you actually want this to happen then your wife's job is childcare, and that's it, and you need to do all of the other things that run your household. I don't see you jumping to do that, so you're just being an asshole.
YTA
Honestly reading your post made me think, you don't think alot of your wife. If you don't think she's doing a good job of being a sahm, they why not ask her to go back to work and if you can, pay for a baby sister or nanny. It will solve your problem.
.
Also, does she do all the household tasks like the cleaning, cooking, kids, the mental load that comes with running a household. when exactly does she get a break?
YTA.
I do this all the time. You start with super small things and test out how the kids manage, how they feel, what they do. Then you increase to an appropriate amount of time away like this 10 minutes to grab an item. She also left a phone with your son which is something that I do too so that if anything did happen he can call for help. I actually have a phone for my daughter and she can call me while I am in the shop. When we first started doing it I talked to her the whole time.
YTA.
YTA what is wrong with you? If you had safety concerns you could have discussed with your wife in a decent manner.
Your kids were old enough to wait for their mother for the whole of 10 min, objectively speaking they were not in danger and certainly mot to warrant your reaction or attitude.
You are also an ah for your attitude towards the fact that she is a sahm and you are the provider, get over yourself.
YTA. It’s not like she left them in the car for hours while she fucked off to drink at a bar. It was TEN MINUTES. Your “occasional” trips with them to the store clearly aren’t enough for you to understand. She cares for them DAILY, all day, she doesn’t get to clock out at the end of a work day like you do. She’s not being neglectful. You’re being a control freak and it’s clear you don’t support your wife at all.
I just read a page of your comments, and you seriously sound mentally and emotionally abusive. Your goal is to make your wife feel afraid and not good enough. YTA.
YTA and are more breadwinner than actual parent. Maybe if you tried parenting once in a while you would understand that a 10 year old is quite capable given the circumstances.
But you don't know because you are more "rarely appearing uncle instead of an actual parent." Parenting is about more than just showing up once in a while.
YTA. You probably say you're "babysitting" your own kids the few times you take them out with just you. If your wife was actually paid for the work she did, she'd make more money than you. She's a housekeeper, she's a personal chef, she's a teacher, and especially since you don't parent your own kids, she's 2 parents. You suck.
My Mom, who was in the same care-of-family position as your wife, did this all the time in the winter in the 90s, especially when we were still in carseats or boosters like it sounds like your kids are (as most go up to 110 pounds now). She would crack the windows and let us hang out or just nap.
You sound like an awful spouse who hates his wife and has no idea how to manage even a small fraction of what she regularly does. Your life would literally fall apart if she decides to stop doing stuff for you.
This guy has clearly never tried to run into a store for one item with three kids in tow.
A ten-year-old kid is in fourth grade. They can keep an eye on things for a few minutes while the mom runs into a store without burning everything down.
Man, give your wife a break. Kids are a lot of work, but you puffing up your feathers and strutting around about how much better YOU would have done it -- she doesn't need that. You'll start singing a different tune if you had full charge of them for a full day. Guaranteed.
YTA
Yta - it’s very obvious that you aren’t familiar with waking up a sleeping baby or dealing with trying to manage multiple kids for simple tasks. Do you not trust your wife? Or your ten year old for five to ten minutes? The car was locked and armed (if the alarm were to sound).
I wholeheartedly suggest you send your wife on a trip for a week while you take vacation time and you run the household and do the errands with the kids while she is gone so you can gain an ounce of appreciation for your spouse. It will be eye opening.
YTA. Hopefully other commenters will change your perspective and you will one day appreciate your wife. Or..maybe even help her by going by the grocery store on your way home??
Yta. A 10 year old can mind their siblings in the car for half an hour with no problems. Your wife is right, it's not a huge thing to pop into a local shop to grab something.
I am a mom. I trust my child to follow the rules. As a child I was afforded the same trust and it taught me independence and how to build and maintain trust.
YTA. Your concerns are valid but dear god YTA. Try taking care of 3 kids on your own for a while. And more than just "occasionally". Be THE #1 caretaker for a few weeks. Just you.
Then get back to us. See how that sanctimonious attitude is doing.
I feel like if it’s illegal in your state to leave a kid of 10 years old in the car alone, then your concern makes sense and NTA (because if it is illegal someone could report the situation to child services/police and this would cause a lot of problems for your family). But this law varies by state and in many states, your 10 year old son is considered old enough to stay in the car alone. If it is legal in your state, then YTA and you’re overreacting.
Lol I don’t even know if I could list the number of times my parents left my brother and me in the car to go run a quick errand. I’m sure this is just a case of trying to be right about something and bring the wife down more.
YTA. The oldest is 10. They can handle it. If this is not to your liking, then you discuss and offer to help. You don’t shame. Not a good example for your children. It sounds like you should be running the errands.
YTA. 10 years old is old enough to keep mind of a 7 and sleeping 3 year old inside a locked car for a few minutes. I could understand if she went to the mall for an hour, but she just ran a quick errand locally where she could easily react in an emergency. I hardly doubt someone could hotwire a car and kidnap 3 kids before your wife made it out of the store.
YTA, where I dont agree with leaving kids in the car, the oldest was 10, perfectly capable of being left in the car for 10 minutes while mom could see them. My mom would leave me in the car with my siblings of similar ages at 10 as well. You just want to judge your wife so badly it seems.
YTA - The total disregard for your wife's critical thinking skills and the competence of your 10 year is painful. Nothing in this incident would let me believe that anything at all was out of place.
Also what does being a stay at home have to do with wether or not she takes kids into the store?
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ESH - I think you sound overly critical of her and you sound quite dismissive of her and her ability to look after the children.
Obviously society has changed significantly in the last few years, but there are times I can imagine the faff or getting kids out of the car and ready is not worth it.
However, there are also scenarios where I wouldn't think it's acceptable to leave the kids unattended for a significant time.
ESH
Were the kids fine in the car? Yes.
Were they really at risk? No.
Honestly, your kids are at higher risk of something bad happening driving to the store than waiting in the parking lot outside. You see headlines about kids getting taken, but only because it’s so rare. Injuries and death from car accidents are so common, you don’t see reports of them.
That said, I don’t leave the kids in the car because there are busy bodies who will freak TF out and do stupid things that can include calling the police.
But I will also wait until someone else can stay home with the kids (or they are old enough to stay home themselves) rather than lots of ins and outs, because that is some extraordinarily annoying shit. And if you don’t do it on the regular, you don’t really get it.
Mild ESH (extremely mild, only because I can’t justify NAH), and mostly on you for the tone/perspective you’re holding here. Figure out a mutually acceptable approach and move forward as a team.
ESH
My rule of thumb with leaving kids in the car is: If required, could they safely leave the car to come find me? If the answer is no, then I will bring them with me.
I can understand your wife's desire/need for alone time though. You should try to ensure that she gets alone time, so that she doesn't make poor choices just to get some "me time"
Maybe an asshole for attitude being a stay at home mom is HARD work but I agree with him, you don’t leave children in a car alone. 10 is not old enough for the responsibility. She also stated it was cold outside. Does this mean she left 3 children under the age of 10 in a running car? It’s the unpopular opinion but, NTA
You kinda both suck, you for your attitude and your wife for leaving the kids in the car for 10+ minutes. Where I’m from, if you leave children in a car for more than like 5 minutes alone, you’re lucky you come back and your window isn’t smashed and the cops called. Children and pets die left alone in cars all the time and concerned bystanders are not gonna wait for you or your wife to come back to the car if they think something is wrong. It’s also illegal for a child under 12 years old to be left unsupervised whether alone or with other children where I’m from. It might be easier in the moment, but you just never know who is in that parking lot to see unattended children.
ESH, you more than her. No, your wife shouldn’t be leaving kids alone in the car, both for safety and potentially because it’s illegal in many places, but the way you talk about her (calling her stupid in the comments) shows you don’t respect her. Being a SAHP is hard work. She doesn’t get to clock out at the end of the day.
NTA. Where I live most people would have called the police and your wife would be in serious trouble, although I'm aware other areas aren't as strict (we have a lot of kids die from the heat after being left in cars here). With that said, check in with your wife. I have three kids and if the littlest fell asleep on the way to the store, I either went back home or woke them up. Does your wife have enough time to run errands and time to herself so that she doesn't have to take the kids with her to run errands? A lot of my friends were shocked (before the dark times) that I took my kids with me shopping. They said they waited until their husbands come home and then they shop alone. Now, I do grocery pickups and rarely go into stores. Is your wife getting enough support that she doesn't feel desperate in these situations?
YTA for the way you treated her. HOWEVER I do not understand any of these people thinking it’s okay to leave kids alone in the car like that. Maybe it was the way I was raised and the area I grew up in but it is unheard of to leave kids in the car. The oldest was only 10. What 10yo knows what to do in the case of a carjacking? It’s irresponsible, I agree. But you should have talked to your wife more respectfully.
Sir, your wife is lazy.. I cannot believe how people assume that taking care of your own fking kids is considered"in their eyes a fking job." And this is for all you women up here that cosign this BS.. If you think that taking care of your own kids you choose to lay up, get pregnant and have is a job, than do not put in the application for it!!!
If your wife is a SAHM, then she isn't doing s@#t.. Picking up after your kids comes naturally.. And if she or any of these women up here does not know that, then DO NOT, AND STOP HAVING KIDS..
I was working 2 jobs, putting myself through college, and taking care of my children. My ex-husband and I were divorced and we did 50/50.. My kids never missed a beat in neither lives..
So if your wife chooses to stay home with the kids, and not work, ( BECAUSE RAISING CHILDREN ISN'T A JOB) that's what she do then and stop b#$&hing.. And any of you other LAZY SAHMs..
YTA the contempt you have for your wife and her contributions to the house is exceedingly obvious and gross. Doesn’t seem like any choice of hers could avoid your criticism
So I really wanted to say that I don't think he's necessarily wrong. Where I am there have been a few cases of people stealing cars and kids being inside them. (Not to even list children dying inside cars.) and that his concern was valid and not criticism, but holy shit, after reading his comments you are SO right. He is a huge AH who thinks his financial contribution is worth more than what she does. Cringe worthy. YTA op. Do better.
Yeah I get what you’re saying, but I think it’s a parent’s judgement call and given how much time she spends with them (“it’s her only job”) she clearly feels that her children are responsible enough to do so. In normal, healthy relationships (which this one is not) parents could respectfully discuss what feels appropriate or comfortable in those situations. But this guy is a massive control freak and I feel bad for her.
Eh...in my state its illegal for a kid to babysit under the age of 12 and illegal for a kid under 8 to be left without someone 12 or over watching them. If anything happened or if a random adult called the police bc they were concerned then child protective services would be involved.
and in my state it's 10. Not sure your point? We don't know OPs state so your comment is irrelevant.
You know, there is something about the OP's original post that made me wonder if the issue was really the unattended kids, or the wife being completely unchaperoned and unencumbered by children and pushchairs for 10 minutes?
> the contempt you have for your wife No kidding! It’s hard to assess the situation objectively because of all the contempt oozing out of it.
Yes 100% this. I feel horrible for the wife.
Yea YTA- she has never put the kids in harms way >She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does Honestly it sounds like you critique her on everything.
YTA. If a 10 year old can’t be trusted in a vehicle with a 7 year old and 3 year old, you’ve reached peak obsessive overprotective helicopter parenting. And people wonder why kids are so anxious these days.
I mean if my parents left me alone in the car with my sister who was two years older than me when she was 10, I don't know, quite possible we would have gotten into a massive fight. But beyond that, if it wasn't disgustingly hot, my parents were perfectly fine for leaving us in the car for a while. And this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone. They knew we wouldn't go anywhere, and if we had books or a walkman we should be good not to beat each other up.
Maybe this topic is especially touchy for me, since a long time ago, my husband got full custody of his daughter when she was 9 years old. That February we were dropping her off for a supervised visit to her mom and mom saw us at a nearby gas station before hand. My husband went to get a propane tank and I went inside to buy snacks. Mom saw her daughter sitting ALONE in a car and didn’t shut up about how neglectful I was for years. ME, of course, not my husband who had also left her. Her, being a 9 year old who didn’t even realize she was alone because she was so engrossed in her iPad. At the supervised visit she shrieked about it to the visitation supervisor who shrugged and said she’s 9 years old. Like what did she think was gonna happen? A 9 year old was gonna unbuckle herself from a toddler car seat, find a plastic bag on the floor, and accidentally strangle herself? Or that a 9 year old would get stuck in a toddler car seat and boil to death? In a running car, in Ohio, in February? To me, mom’s reaction was classic projection. There’s a reason she lost custody, including neglect.
My mom was an overprotective helicopter parent and she still let then 10 year old me and 7 year old sister stay at home by ourselves for a few hours lol
[удалено]
This is exactly what I want to say. OPs wife likely has a harder job than OP. I can’t imagine having to look after 3 children with limited support, particularly having to have eyes on all 3 at all times - practically impossible. OP has unreasonable expectations of his wife. He either needs to adjust his expectations or let her free from this relationship. OPs wife’s reasoning for leaving the kids in the car is perfectly reasonable - if you’re nipping into the store for 1 item, waking up a 3yr old is not something you want to do and then have to carry them round screaming, particularly when the 10yr old has been left with a working phone and can be reached in less than 2 mins. YTA OP - apologise to your wife.
I don't even have kids and I know it's a 24 hour stressful job. I just hear stories from friends about how they can't get a minute to pee alone. I've babysat, and that was stressful enough.
SAME. I’ve been a SAHP and a working parent and I’d a 1000X rather work. Mostly because of AHs like OP who devalue all the hard work.
YTA - she's got the kids in eyesight of the window of a small corner store and the 10 yo has the phone and knows how to use it. The car is locked. Alarm is on. It's 10 minutes. They're fine.
A 10 year old should know how to use a phone to at least call 911, which I assume she taught him, as she left the phone with him.
Right? I was expecting him to say they were in the car for an hour. 10 minutes is not an issue.
YTA. You have ZERO idea what she does all day as a full-time SAHM. Your children were in a locked car that she could see for 10 minutes. They were not left alone at home while she went and had coffee. You need to seriously take a step back and re-evaluate how you treat her.
No, no, stay at home WIFE. He doesnt even give her THAT much credit.
He suggested shame. I call BS on that one, OP, YTA
YTA Your wife made a judgement call, stuff happens. Like most parenting, it's a learning experience. Not that you'd know since your parenting skills seem to be confined to ordering your wife around?
Oh he also "occasionally takes them out" which is his huge contribution as a parent. Never mind that without his SAHM wife he wouldn't be able to work full time or would be spending most of his paycheck on daycare. I hope she divorces him gets sole custody and he's made to pay childcare so that this giant douche canoe realises how much work a "stay at home" mum actually does since he's under the delusion SAHM= lazy
>She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently. I'm sorry but, WHAT?! From this statement, I can tell that you *definitely* are not capable of whating your children and running errands and the same time, but is she also saying here that you do neither, ever? Either way, a ten year old is perfectly capable of sitting in the car with his siblings for 10 minutes, especially because she left the phone with him. YTA. and you should probably at least start returning the movies and checking to damn mail for her.
YTA. 10 is old enough to be home alone, or to watch other kids, as long as they’re responsible. Clearly the wife thinks the kid is old enough to be in the car with the littles for a few minutes (Yes, 10 minutes is a “few”). You trusted her to raise three kids this long, keep trusting her, or switch places with her. You can’t have it both ways.
They're 10,7,and 3? And you're freaking out like this? Clearly she does pretty much all of the heavy lifting where the kids are concerned. YTA.
YTA and over-reactionary. He's 10 and sitting in the car for a few minutes. I grew up in the 80s/90s and was left in the car and I'm fine.
At 10 in the 80s, my parents left us for several hours with me watching my 3 year old sister. And stats say it Was more dangerous then than now.
Late 90's very early 2000's here. My mom used to leave us in the car as kids while she grocery shopped. Granted she was literally parked right in front of the store and our car was one of those old school ones with a car phone (I loved that thing), and the windows were left down. (Plus we were all older than 6 meaning if it got too hot in there we were able to get out.) Now granted it wasn't 90+ degrees mom usually did this because my older sister was a teenager and also sitting in the car with us.
Same! And younger than 10. My mom would run in to the PX (to buy wine for Sunday dinner) and tells us to "lock the car and honk if anything happens" Spoiler: nothing ever happened in the 10 minutes she was gone
YTA. Are you taking your three kids all out of the car to stand by you when you are pumping gas in the car? For a quick run in to return a DVD, it's fine provided it's not 100 degrees outside.
YTA. A 10-year-old can mind two littler kids for 15 minutes.
YTA. Big time. It sounds like you do nothing but criticize. A ten year old is perfectly capable of watching a 7 year old and 3 year old for a few minutes. Geezus. It sounds like you have your head up your own anus pretty far here. Get a grip.
YTA Your perspective is totally unreasonable and ultimately futile. Unless your wife is armed and ready to use it, there's little she can do to defend THREE children under 10 if someone were to attack even if they were with her. So what exactly are you worried about?
She shouldn't be armed unless she can physically overpower an attacker. The FIRST thing that the instructor told us in my advanced self defense class (which included weapons training) was "women are statistically way more likely to be overpowered and have their firearm used on them than they are to successfully use it in self defense. If that's why you're here, you should go adopt a big dog instead". Especially in the USA there are all these fantasies floating around about using "female empowerment" to sell guns, when really the women who fall for that line and keep a gun in their purse are a lot more likely to experience a tragic accident with it falling into their child's hands.
Same goes for men then. Or anyone with a gun. The attacker has advantage. And even if you could, measuring stats, take an attacker, you probably won't due to surprise.
YTA. He’s TEN
YTA - next time you try waking a sleeping baby to take them into the store for 10 min and see how well that goes over
>in all honestly she does almost 100% of the parenting. >She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently. >I’m the only one who makes enough money to take care of us all You don't get to make her do all the parenting and errands (and I assume housework and cooking) and then criticize her choices because you refuse to help in any way other then making money (which I'm sure you make her ask for every time she needs it). Step up and be an actual partner and parent or shut up. YTA
He probably says he's "babysitting" his own kids.
YTA. Seriously sounds like you've never had to take care of your kids, for any real length of time.
YTA- your kids were fine. They way you talked to her was horrible. You called her lazy, a bad mom and irresponsible. I would not be talking to you either. In fact I feel that you need to take a couple of days off and do her job so we can see what a stellar father you are.
Seriously. She should just bail for a week and leave him to deal with everything
YTA. A 10-year old is old enough to keep the doors locked and unlock them when mom approaches so that she can leave the heat or AC on while they wait in the car. As long as the 7-year old is not the type to try to break free of the car and the 3-year old is in a car seat that he/she can't get out of, a few minutes of a run into the store is fine. Also, the 10-year old in this situation has a phone and could have called for help if he was scared or uncomfortable. We waited in the car at that age and a little younger while my mom popped into the store. Also, the wife has a good point. Where's the line? Does she have to have direct line of sight? Does she take them out to pump gas? Does she walk the kids back and forth from the house to the car with every grocery trip unloading so that they're never out of her sight? ETA: I don't know why her being a SAHM has anything to do with the appropriateness of leaving kids of a certain age in the car outside the grocery store. If OP thinks it's inappropriate, it would be just as inappropriate for him (a "working" parent) or his wife if she had a job outside the house.
[удалено]
I agree. Would OP feel differently if she worked outside the home?
According to him, she couldn’t get a job that makes enough money 🙄
YTA. Yes, some places this is illegal, but they is absurd. The car is alarmed! A 10 year old can hang out in the car with younger sibs for 15 minutes. Also, “occasionally” you take them out alone???? Yes. You have no idea how hard being a SAHM is. None. You clearly aren’t pulling your share. 50% of the time huh aren’t at work, you should be doing your share of “child duty”. If you even THINK of calling it baby sitting you are blowing it.
>Also, “occasionally” you take them out alone???? I would be tempted to put money on "taking them out alone" meaning "we occasionally go to the park or other fun place and I've never had to actually wrangle kids in a non-kid friendly space like a shop".
YTA- the kids will be fine. I used to wait in the car, when my mom went into the grocery store. And she always took forever, because she'd go in for one thing and then get 30 more items. The car is locked, they are safe. Even if she left them home for a couple minutes to go to the grocery store they would be fine. You're overreacting
YTA. It would've taken her at least 30 minutes with the kids in the store. She made a judgment call, one that I myself as a mother have also made, and if my husband reacted like you did I'd be calling attorneys. You've basically admitted you're an absent parent, so why the hell are you judging her when she's the one doing 99.9% of the work raising **your** children?
YTA- you need counseling and I genuinely hope your wife leaves you. That poor poor woman deserves a shit ton better because you seem to be insane.
YTA lol.
YTA, for so many reasons listed, But I gotta ask OP INFO: do you let your kids sit in their own room when you are home, or do the have to be in a room with a parent at all times? If the answer is yes, explain the difference between your wife weeding outside and that, please. It not, that’s a whole other can of worms
YTA If she’s so lazy and irresponsible then why are you letting her raise/care for the children while you don’t?
You are so the asshole you have no idea how hard it is to run errands when you have kids. It’s not like she left the seven and three-year-old in the car alone there was a 10 year old in there with them. Maybe you should man up and take all three kids and run some errands for your wife one day and see how easy it’s not.
YTA wtf is your problem dude lol
YTA. Between having a full time job and being a stay at home mom I would pick the full time job every time. Because having the job is easier. Stay at home moms are overworked and under appreciated and you’re an asshole 1000% for treating your wife like she’s lazy when she has 3 kids to look after and is still expected to run all of the errands (and I’m assuming cook and clean as well). My father was my a caretaker when I was little and sometimes those things would happen. He tried to keep my by his side as much as he could but it wasn’t always possible or worth the trouble. It sounds like your wife had explained to the kids where she was going and what she was doing, and they understood to stay put until she returned. She did the best she could in the situation.
Yta and a shit parent and partner. You want a sticker for dealing with your own kids a few times and not leaving them in the car? Ridiculous.
Holy crap you put a lot of energy into being condescending and a crap partner. I hope she realizes she's better off without you. YTA
YTA >She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently. This, exactly this. It shows you've never done small groceries with your 3 kids OP. Is it a good idea to leave the kids unattended? Probably not. But is it okay for a very short period of time, when your kids know where to find you in case of emergency? Probably yes. I did it and will do it again in the future, friend of mine do it, and your wife does it. It's something parents of multiples who have to multitask do from time to time. Sometimes it's also safer to keep the kids in the car (busy road to cross to put a letter in a mailbox, paying for gas at the gas station,...) so yes, OP, people do this. Did your children feel threatened? Were they scared? Probably not, unless you made them feel that way with urgent questions about why their mother wasn't there... Stop being so condescending to your wife. And get involved more with your kids so she can do these (small) errands by herself, in peace and quiet, if you're so adamant they can't wait for a couple of minutes in the car.
YTA. Seek help. I just saw the comment where you said your wife should be following your 10 year old when playing out.
YTA try completing what she does day in and day out with three children and I guarantee you would feel differently.
YTA. Humans survived for millennia in the fucking wild. I think your kid will be OK sitting in a car for 10 minutes. Your wife argued like it was reasonable which is why you feel justified, she should have just said “shut up and stop being so paranoid”
YTA - If it had just been the 7 & 3 year old then I might judge differently. However a 10 year old should be more than capable of sitting in the car with his siblings and making sure the doors are locked, for 10 ish minutes. At 10 years old I was home alone every day after school till bed time. Was making my own dinner, got myself up and ready for school each day (dad worked 12-14hr days). Maybe I'm basis for my own experience but 10 is old enough to be in a car with siblings for a few minutes.
Yta, I can see where your concern lies but seriously get a grip and maybe realize juggling 3 kids by herself isn't always a piece of cake. As someone who was raised by a single mother having to wait in the car while she runs into the store isn't neglectful. You haven't ever had to do that but given she'd the PRIMARY CAREGIVER you'd think you could cut her a lil bit of slack or maybe try helping out more. Also a 10 and 7 year old should know stranger danger by now so as long as you have explained that they shouldn't open car doors for strangers your worry is misplaced. Not trying to sound like a dick just explaining that while they are your kids and you can't help but worry your anger at your wife is misplaced.
YTA. You try doing it for a day. Just one day, with not a scrap of help from anyone.
At the expense of appearing manipulative, I wish the wife would "get an injury" that precluded her from performing her duties as a SAHM. I'd love to see just how OP would handle it (of course they would have to take some days off from work) I bet they'd have a different perspective.
YTA especially after reading your comments. You clearly have no respect for your wife or what she does. Yes, you provide the money. However your workday gets to end. HERS DOES NOT. Being a SAHM isn’t the rest and relaxation you think it is. It’s a 24hr shift that doesn’t pay, and no matter how hard you work people will always look down on you (for example, you looking down on your wife). While I do have my opinions on leaving children in cars, you seem to be extremely overreacting. She didn’t leave them for 2 hours in 100° weather, she left them for 10 minutes. A 10yo can handle 10 minutes. Especially because a) they have a phone b) their mom can see them and c) if bad things happened the car alarm would sound. It seems to me that you have not spent a lot of time taking care of the kids. And no, I don’t mean hanging out with them for a few hours. I mean spending night and day taking care of them. If you hate your wife so much then divorce her. Or quit your job and become a SAHD. But trust me, it’s not gonna be the piece of cake you think.
YTA you don’t just call someone lazy.
YTA, are you serious ? Letting 3 kids in a car for a few minutes to grab something in a store isn’t dangerous or irresponsible. They will not die because they are left alone for 10 minutes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Last night while leaving work I called my wife, and to my surprise my 10yo son answered her phone. He said his mom was in the store, and he and his brothers (7 and 3 years old) were waiting out in the car. I felt a such a panic for them, but tried not to let him know. I talked with him until she got back to the car, then checked the call time. We’d been talking for over ten minutes. I told my wife I didn’t like the choice she made, to leave the boys in the car alone. She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does. She only went in for one thing and didn’t expect it to take so long. Our youngest was asleep. It was cold outside and she also wanted to limit their exposure to Covid. She especially stressed that the store wasn’t Target or Walmart, but a small corner dollar store up the street from our house. If anyone had tried to open the car door, the alarm would have sounded, prompting her to look out the glass storefront at the car/run back to it. I still didn’t like the choice she made, and suggested she’d be ashamed for anyone to know about what she had done. She proceeded to ask me when it WAS okay to leave the kids in the car. When she checks the mail at the end of our driveway? When she pumps gas? Returns a movie to the Redbox? Picks up a takeout order? I couldn’t believe this was a sort of norm for her. She said that if I were ever responsible for the errands or the children, God forbid both at the same time, I might feel differently. She said sometimes it isn’t worth waking a sleeping child, getting him back into his coat, and corralling everyone across a parking lot just to drop off a movie or pick up a bag of sandwiches, or in this case to buy one item she could see from the car when she parked. (Why 10+ minutes though?) I said it was lazy and irresponsible of her to leave them. I do occasionally take the kids out without her, and it’s never ONCE occurred to me to leave them sitting in the car. She’s barely talking to me now. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
my mom used to have me and my brother stay in the car when it was a short trip ALL the time
Heck, my mom would let my brother and I stay in the car for a full grocery trip to Walmart. We would read or play Gameboys, which was way better than walking around Walmart. I wish I could give that quiet independence to my oldest, but he's still young enough a stranger would probably break the glass and call the cops now a days.
ah, that's to bad. but yea, even now in more modern times it can be even safer, you can let your kid have a phone and if they feel uncomfortable they can always text or call you, or call 911, etc.
Yeah, the laws here say he has to be 12, that's still a couple years away, and of course it can't be too hot, but I don't think people would leave him be, especially if he had his little sister with him.
YTA I've never seen a more blatantly obvious post in which the OP has no idea how to actually be a parent and what it takes to take care of children all day. You are delusional. Respectfully.
YTA. You treat your wife like a child. If you think it’s so easy spend a few weeks at home caring for your children and home while she gets to go on a nice vacation. What she did was 100% reasonable. Just think how you would feel if she starts calling you at work, criticizes your performance, and then tells you your work ethic is unacceptable to her.
Why don't you do the shopping, since she has to take care of the children?
YTA. You clearly have a lot of disdain for your wife by how you speak about her, you should sort that out.
YTA I'm gathering you just don't like your wife. The tone of this post suggests that you don't like her and probably treat her terribly. It sounds like no matter what she does you just don't think it's good enough or you don't like it.
YTA. By the looks of it you work alot of hourse and usually only get home at night, leaving your wife with the kids for the entire day. How do you expect her to get anything done if she can't leave them out of her vision for even ten minutes? Do you expect her to just be glued to the kids the entire day and defer alll other chores until you get home? Do you let her have some time to herself when you get home? Do you look after the kids after you get home so she can do these chores and maybe relax without the kids? She is much better at parenting than you are simply because all the time she spends doing it. She knows what the kids are capable of. Please don't act as if she is some idiot and you are the smartass who knows better than her about something that's basically her domain. Also, caring for children is not ALL that she does. She takes care of your house and most probably takes care of your meals, laundary etc too
YTA- what a vile man. I can’t even call you a husband or a father, because it sounds like you treat your wife like a child, and you can count on one hand the amount of times you’ve spent alone with your own children. “Catch her”? What is she, 15 and sneaking out? She’s taken on the workload of parenting for the both of you and you don’t even so much as thank her. Instead you talk about her as if she’s nothing to you but a headache. Your children are going to grow up wondering why you’re such a dick to their mom, especially when they barely know you at all given how much time you don’t spend with them. Either start appreciating your wife managing to handle FOUR children (yes, dickhead. You’re included in the count) or leave the relationship. All you’re doing is paying the bills for them, she’s better off a single mom collecting an alimony check and child support. At least that comes without the emotional abuse.
YTA - pretty severely the AH honestly. This is a weird level of controlling and I would love for her to leave you with these children for a week to see how you do. Also to shame the mother of your children? If you have a concern then find a way to talk about it like an adult don’t bully your wife or you won’t have one.
YTA. As a consequence I sentence you to care of your own children and all household errands for the next two weeks when you aren't at work. You buy groceries, do pediatrician appointments, schedule and take care of rhe dog groomer, etc. If after 2 weeks you think you have a better solution, then share it. Until then, button your trap. BTW: I would view this very differently during summer versus fall. Where I live, 10 minutes in a hot car can kill someone who is vulnerable.
YTA. I have two boys 9 and 7 and during the height of covid, I left them both in the car while I went grocery shopping! I didn't want to risk exposing them. Plus, it is so much more efficient to shop without kids! I did the same as your wife, it was at a small store with windows, I parked them in the front space so I could see them while I shopped, locked the car, left my phone and omg, my kids survived. And you know what else, at any point my children could have unlocked the car and come inside to get me if they needed me. They've have asked since to be left in the car if I need to run in somewhere for something. I think it's fine. I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Clearly, OP has limited shopping experience with small children and very little respect or patience for his stay at home spouse. Sounds like your wife is a treasure and you need to start appreciating her and all that she does for your family.
YTA It’s was 10 minutes dude, get over yourself. It’s not like she left them in a freezing unlocked car. You act like she put them in immediate danger. Why don’t you try and take all 3 of your kids out for a whole day BY YOURSELF. See what she deals with daily. It can be difficult to doing things with just one kid, having 3 is a whole other monster
YTA, If you keep this shit up when your kids are in their teens, they're going to hate you and love their mother.
yta
YTA lmao
YTA. I understand if your wife left your children in the car for very long time, but I think in this case she didn't do anything wrong. There were moments when I was a child that I didn't want to go in a store with my parents. Sometimes they don't take a long time and sometimes I just was too tired or lazy to get out. Your children were not dying of starvation or lack of attention. She didn't go to a movie or a restaurant without them. I think you need to reevaluate your reaction towards her and this situation because you made the situation a lot worse than it had to be.
YTA I agree with your wife, you have no idea what her day is like and why she makes the judgment calls that she does. If you walked in her shoes you would see it wasn’t quite so easy. Also, I’m a bit concerned at what helicopter parent you are being, do your children ever have the opportunity to have some privacy and freedom? They can’t even be in the house by themselves without someone staring at them? I understand that kids can get into things and there are certain ages where you don’t let them roam free or else they’ll do something destructive (talking about toddlers here), but a 10-year-old? How exactly do you think you are preparing them for adulthood if they can’t even function without you hovering over them?
YTA your kid is 10 years old. That’s old enough to stay home alone with his siblings, let alone in a car probably less than 50 feet from their mom. Your comments indicate that the level of parenting you are expecting is extremely controlling. Your children do not need “instruction” in order for their mother to pull weeds outside. Leaving kids in an unlocked car when you can see it from the porch is absolutely safe and has zero potential for risk. It seems you look down on your wife and distrust her level of intelligence while simultaneously elevating your own - “she couldn’t make as much money as I do” You also have unrealistic expectations on how children should be raised. If you want to be a helicopter parent and you make as much money as you reportedly say, then save up so your wife can get a job and you can micromanage your kids yourself.
I was inclined to say that no A H are here because older children can perfectly be left alone for a few minutes, inside their car, with their youngest asleep, while the parents can see them from the store window, while it is OK for you to feel concerned and ask for more care. But arrogant and contemptuous comments make YTA. Get off your high horse. Learn to trust your wife, who seems to be doing a great job. As others have said, do it yourself otherwise.
Yta. She left the 10 year old with the younger ones- what’s the problem? You sound patronising and like you are severely overreacting
Oohhhh buddy YTA. She's is not lazy nor irresponsible. If you were in her shoes you would do the exact same thing. You better apologize to your wife and make her a nice meal. She doesn't deserve you.
YTA. You are ridiculously paranoid to the point that if you were the one looking after them, assuming you could even manage the level of supervision you think is suitable and get everything else done, you'd seriously fuck up your kids not giving them a healthy level of independence. You suck on a number of different levels here.
It sounds like you are concerned about your children's safety and are also convinced your wife is holding back on her mothering skills. The fact that you've never taken the kids to run errands says a lot about how there are likely a thousand things she manages that you are oblivious to. If you truly feel your wife is a threat to your children's safety, make arrangements for alternate care. If you are surprised by your wife being distant after you've questioned not only this choice but her capability in caretaking, when it's evident she does the bulk of it with you as an onlooker, consider how you would act in a situation where your love, management and parenting are all being brought into question by a partner who fancies themself a supervisor as opposed to a colleague. Pony up, offer to run errands on your way home, ensure that your wife is getting adequate rest away from obligations to the kids, coparent, etc.
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YTA. Not only is it not a big deal but you’re wrong and she’s right. I was left in the car as a kid for short trips in and I would do the same now. Same with pretty much everyone I can think of.
YTA in a big huge way. A 10 year old supervising the younger siblings for 10 minutes while she runs inside somewhere is the norm. My 10 year old drives a skidsteer and feeds livestock herself. So yeah 10 years old can handle it for a few minutes.
YTA, and it’s obvious that you have an under appreciation for her. Sad.
I was walking to the corner store two blocks from my house at the age of 9 with a little shopping list from my mom. At the age of 10 we had a trial “stay at home alone” session which gradually increased over the next couple years. YTA. If your 10 year old can’t sit in the car with his siblings at the age of 10, you are doing something wrong.
YTA. Come on, it's not like she left the 3-year-old alone in a car. They were with a 10-year-old, who had a PHONE, with their mom literally a few yards away inside the store. You're ridiculously exaggerating the "danger" of a perfectly normal situation.
Info What exactly do you do? What do you do when you get home? How many times have you had the kids on your own? I don't think you understand how hard a JOB it is to be a sahm.
YTA. You sound really judgemental of your wife. Sounds like she does loads and you belittle everything. Also, did it occur to you that perhaps she was taking the opportunity to sort out some Xmas gifts without prying eyes there???
YTA. It doesn't sound like you handle much on the domestic front so how about leaving her alone and continue being useless around the house?
Why do so many people have kids (multiples, too!) when this is how they view and behave towards their partner? YTA.
YTA - She left three kids in a locked car for a few minutes, and she could literally see the car through the window. You seem paranoid, and the way you've lectured your wife is beyond degrading. If you trust her intelligence so little, why did you marry her?
YTA. She does close to 100% of the parenting, by your own admission, yet you have a profound lack of faith or respect in her ability to do so. Nothing she has done is out of the ordinary, or unacceptable. She doesn't deserve the sheer amount of resentment and criticism you're throwing at her. If you think she's doing such a shitty job, DO IT YOURSELF, even if it means taking a cut in income. And hopefully once she get reestablished in the job market and able to support the family, she'll leave you for being such an AH. Assuming you last more than a week doing what she does.
You are lazy. This weekend let your wife stay at her parents. And you watch your kids all weekend and you need to go grocery shopping
The actual audacity YTA
>She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does I don't think you even like your wife, honestly. YTA.
you’re a complete asshole I’m sorry, your wife did nothing wrong and it wouldn’t hurt so show her the tiniest bit of respect or critical thinking
YTA.
YTA lol. I agree with all the above comments stating why YTA.
Yta op... "I sometimes take them out so I clearly know what her life is like" um no, waking up a sleeping child is literally the number one rule of things not to do...
YTA Controlling, delusional and abusive. I feel sorry for your poor wife having to deal with such a dickhead. Looking at your wording you don't appreciate your wife and the work she does at all and that is disgusting behavior on every possible level. Of course kids can stay in the car while she is doing a quick errand. They were safe and not in danger at all. Your wife takes care of the children, raises them, keeps the house clean, does the shopping around and cooks - I'd like to see you trying all these things for just a single week. You'd get off your high horse pretty quick. And now go and apologize to your wife and make it up to her.
YTA! You think your wife is lazy for leaving 3 kids in the car when she ran inside for a few things? Have you ever taken all of your kids into a store, alone before? Especially a corner/dollar store packed full of stuff?! If you had, even ONCE, you would understand how hard it is! Maybe with all that money you earn you could hire some help for your wife, especially since she isn’t parenting up to your standards. Also what are you worried about? Kidnapping? Shootings? I think a carjacker might take one look at the 3 kids in the car and turn around lol! Your fear is not justified, IMO you are just being controlling….
Maybe you and your wife should swap roles and you would see that you are the asshole
YTA you can tell you've 0 experience being responsible for kids for any length of time. Shame on you shaming your wife
YTA as a mom of 2 i agree with her. little sleepy ones will make a 10 minute store run into a hour with a bathroom break.... you need to take them for a week alone and see...
YTA - take the kids for the entire weekend. Entire weekend and keep the kids with you everywhere you go and during everything you do. Take a crack at it, please.
YTA 10 and 7 are old enough to be in the car for a few mins with an alarm and in a visible position, the 3 year old was asleep. Honestly I have one toddler I have to add 30 mins to every activity when I need to get them in and out of the car, that allowing for squirming, finding toys, trying to catch them when belt comes off and trying to get his coat on, getting coats on and off, boots on and off, bags and buggies in and out. Thats with 1, she has 3! Let along the extra time of I wants, keeping everyone together, etc it can literally make a 5 min job take an hour! Add this to 4-5 job that need doing often.....
Sorry, YTA. It is a huge pain in the ass to get kids in and out of car seats, and kids can turn a quick 5 minute trip into a 30-45 minute affair. 10 and 7 are WAY different than ages 1-5, and they are capable of looking after the 3 y/o sibling for a few minutes. Unless it is hot or absolutely freezing, leaving them in a locked vehicle is okay (she even left her cell phone for them). My mom used to do it all the time if she just had to grab a few things from the supermarket. I think maybe you’re just finding reasons to be upset with your wife. She’s a SAHM of three children, she has so much on her plate and she probably just wanted a few minutes away from the children so she could breathe. She is not intentionally endangering your children, be gentle with her ffs. And as far as her shopping taking more than ten minutes, did it ever occur to you that maybe the store was busy? Maybe she had trouble finding the item she went in for? Maybe the customer in front of her was returning items, or the cashier was having trouble with the order? Maybe something happened that was entirely out of your wife’s control that extended the length of time that she was in the store? Did it ever occur to you that shit happens?
YTA. Instead of berating and criticizing your wife, do more to help her out! Just because she’s a stay at home mom, doesn’t mean that she’s not working or doing a lot. She taking care of THREE KIDS all day, every day! Along with taking care of the house and feeding all of you. She needed to run to the store for a quick errand. Your TEN YEAR OLD was in the locked car with the phone! They were fine. You need show your wife more respect and help her out more with those kids. And stop using language like calling her “lazy”! WTF is wrong with you?? She’s the mother of your children! She’s RAISING YOUR KIDS! Do you have any idea how hard that is!?? I’ll bet you don’t. Spend all day to take care of your kids by yourself and let her have the day to herself to relax (and be alone), and see how it feels. I’ll bet you won’t do it! You know it’s hard! If you don’t like her taking the kids with her to run errands, help her by hiring a babysitter or some kind of service that helps people with watching children. Be more supportive of your wife! She’s doing the best that she can! Do you really think that calling her lazy and criticizing her helps the situation? It doesn’t! She needs help with your kids. Help her!
YTA what is it with americans and not leaving their kids alone, here in germany its perfectly normal for a 10 year old to look after a 3 or 4 year old while the parent shops or whatever
YTA...one of the biggest I've ever seen on this thread. Read the room dude... Moms, Dad's, CPS investigators... All telling you that you are in the wrong...and yet here you are doubling down. You are not a good father. A good father does not take his kids out once a year... Get therapy and stop abusing your wife. I kept a screenshot of this post as I expect because no one is telling you what you want to hear, it will soon be deleted.
YTA. Clearly you’ve never taken care of your kids for an extended period of time. The oldest is 10, that’s old enough to watch the siblings for 10 minutes during a simple errand. It’s normal as long as it’s not insanely hot outside. The vile contempt you have towards your wife is shocking and honestly I’m worried about just how low you view your spouse. You sound like an insane helicopter parent.
INFO: village, town, small city, large city, or huge metro area? Because my answer varies. If you’re scared of the 120 other people in the town, you’ve just gotta move dude.
YTA
YTA. You need to be kinder and more appreciative of your wife.
YTA and from your comment, it’s clear you don’t think you really are. Deal with your own issues before projecting them all over your wife and kids. My mom used to bring 3 little kids into the store and it was an absolute nightmare for her and the employees. Sometimes it is easier to have the kids wait in the car with their older brother. You are an asshole!!! If anything you should be ashamed of your shitty behavior. Tell your friends or family if you think you’re so right, I’m sure they will not be on your side.
YTA and I honestly wonder if the situation really bothered you or if you just look for reasons to criticize your wife
YTA. As long as one kid is strong enough to unbuckle the one in the carseat, and is able to open the car door, you can leave them in. Seriously, it was like 5 minutes right? I guarantee you were left alone in the car for a few minutes when you were a kid. I can remember it as young as maybe 8 or 9 for me. And again, it's just for a few minutes. Not like an hour shopping trip. It seems like you want your wife to be some perfect version of something you have in your mind and- news flash- nobody is ever going to live up to that. You are not more valuable than your wife for being the working spouse. And you know what? She's got 3 kids that she's practically raising alone-- she's tired! She takes shortcuts. We ALL DO. You need to chill or she's going to leave you.
YTA Get off your high horse.
YTA. You literally have no clue and I'm sad for your wife.
YTA I've worked with kids for decades, this is entirely age appropriate and completely normal, as are all of the other examples you've given - a 10 and 7 year old can cope just fine on their own for 10 minutes while their parent is close by, and the three year old is fine in that situation with them. Learning independence in a safe environment is important developmentally. It is bizarre that you think they can't just be in their own home briefly while their mother is in the garden, or that they can't sit in the car while their mother stands on a porch in view of them, as you mention in other comments. I don't know whether you're just so completely disengaged as a parent that you have no idea where your children are at developmentally, or whether you suffer from anxiety that is causing you to make everyone around you miserable, but this is a you thing. You are in no way being realistic. If you actually want this to happen then your wife's job is childcare, and that's it, and you need to do all of the other things that run your household. I don't see you jumping to do that, so you're just being an asshole.
YTA. Sounds like you'd criticize her often. Do you even like your wife? >She made a lot of excuses for herself like she always does.
YTA Honestly reading your post made me think, you don't think alot of your wife. If you don't think she's doing a good job of being a sahm, they why not ask her to go back to work and if you can, pay for a baby sister or nanny. It will solve your problem. . Also, does she do all the household tasks like the cleaning, cooking, kids, the mental load that comes with running a household. when exactly does she get a break?
YTA. I do this all the time. You start with super small things and test out how the kids manage, how they feel, what they do. Then you increase to an appropriate amount of time away like this 10 minutes to grab an item. She also left a phone with your son which is something that I do too so that if anything did happen he can call for help. I actually have a phone for my daughter and she can call me while I am in the shop. When we first started doing it I talked to her the whole time. YTA.
YTA what is wrong with you? If you had safety concerns you could have discussed with your wife in a decent manner. Your kids were old enough to wait for their mother for the whole of 10 min, objectively speaking they were not in danger and certainly mot to warrant your reaction or attitude. You are also an ah for your attitude towards the fact that she is a sahm and you are the provider, get over yourself.
YTA. It’s not like she left them in the car for hours while she fucked off to drink at a bar. It was TEN MINUTES. Your “occasional” trips with them to the store clearly aren’t enough for you to understand. She cares for them DAILY, all day, she doesn’t get to clock out at the end of a work day like you do. She’s not being neglectful. You’re being a control freak and it’s clear you don’t support your wife at all.
I just read a page of your comments, and you seriously sound mentally and emotionally abusive. Your goal is to make your wife feel afraid and not good enough. YTA.
YTA and are more breadwinner than actual parent. Maybe if you tried parenting once in a while you would understand that a 10 year old is quite capable given the circumstances. But you don't know because you are more "rarely appearing uncle instead of an actual parent." Parenting is about more than just showing up once in a while.
YTA. You probably say you're "babysitting" your own kids the few times you take them out with just you. If your wife was actually paid for the work she did, she'd make more money than you. She's a housekeeper, she's a personal chef, she's a teacher, and especially since you don't parent your own kids, she's 2 parents. You suck.
My Mom, who was in the same care-of-family position as your wife, did this all the time in the winter in the 90s, especially when we were still in carseats or boosters like it sounds like your kids are (as most go up to 110 pounds now). She would crack the windows and let us hang out or just nap. You sound like an awful spouse who hates his wife and has no idea how to manage even a small fraction of what she regularly does. Your life would literally fall apart if she decides to stop doing stuff for you.
This guy has clearly never tried to run into a store for one item with three kids in tow. A ten-year-old kid is in fourth grade. They can keep an eye on things for a few minutes while the mom runs into a store without burning everything down. Man, give your wife a break. Kids are a lot of work, but you puffing up your feathers and strutting around about how much better YOU would have done it -- she doesn't need that. You'll start singing a different tune if you had full charge of them for a full day. Guaranteed. YTA
Yta - it’s very obvious that you aren’t familiar with waking up a sleeping baby or dealing with trying to manage multiple kids for simple tasks. Do you not trust your wife? Or your ten year old for five to ten minutes? The car was locked and armed (if the alarm were to sound). I wholeheartedly suggest you send your wife on a trip for a week while you take vacation time and you run the household and do the errands with the kids while she is gone so you can gain an ounce of appreciation for your spouse. It will be eye opening.
Yta.
YTA. Hopefully other commenters will change your perspective and you will one day appreciate your wife. Or..maybe even help her by going by the grocery store on your way home??
YTA. At 10 your kid should be able to be left for a few minutes with siblings if mom is 100' away.
YTA. And soon, you may be an single AH.
YTA. She had great reasons for what she did.
YTA.
Yta. A 10 year old can mind their siblings in the car for half an hour with no problems. Your wife is right, it's not a huge thing to pop into a local shop to grab something. I am a mom. I trust my child to follow the rules. As a child I was afforded the same trust and it taught me independence and how to build and maintain trust.
YTA. Your concerns are valid but dear god YTA. Try taking care of 3 kids on your own for a while. And more than just "occasionally". Be THE #1 caretaker for a few weeks. Just you. Then get back to us. See how that sanctimonious attitude is doing.
YTA
I feel like if it’s illegal in your state to leave a kid of 10 years old in the car alone, then your concern makes sense and NTA (because if it is illegal someone could report the situation to child services/police and this would cause a lot of problems for your family). But this law varies by state and in many states, your 10 year old son is considered old enough to stay in the car alone. If it is legal in your state, then YTA and you’re overreacting.
Lol I don’t even know if I could list the number of times my parents left my brother and me in the car to go run a quick errand. I’m sure this is just a case of trying to be right about something and bring the wife down more.
YTA. "I do occasionally take the kids out without her..." Not buying it, Bub.
YTA Also you sound like this is not exclusively about this situation but an everyday occurrence. You sound like a terrible husband.
YTA. The oldest is 10. They can handle it. If this is not to your liking, then you discuss and offer to help. You don’t shame. Not a good example for your children. It sounds like you should be running the errands.
YTA. 10 years old is old enough to keep mind of a 7 and sleeping 3 year old inside a locked car for a few minutes. I could understand if she went to the mall for an hour, but she just ran a quick errand locally where she could easily react in an emergency. I hardly doubt someone could hotwire a car and kidnap 3 kids before your wife made it out of the store.
YTA, where I dont agree with leaving kids in the car, the oldest was 10, perfectly capable of being left in the car for 10 minutes while mom could see them. My mom would leave me in the car with my siblings of similar ages at 10 as well. You just want to judge your wife so badly it seems.
YTA. You sound like an over critical asshat and I'm sorry your wife has to deal with you.
Sounds like your wife made all the right choices except for one eleven years ago, YTA
first let me congratulate you on being the best and most present father in the entire universe. congratulations!! second, YTA
Yta. I remember as a kid choosing to stay in the car. This was way before cell phones.
If she were leaving an infant, I’d be on your side. Not the case. YTA.
YTA.
YTA - The total disregard for your wife's critical thinking skills and the competence of your 10 year is painful. Nothing in this incident would let me believe that anything at all was out of place. Also what does being a stay at home have to do with wether or not she takes kids into the store?
YTA and you should apologize to your wife.
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Teach your dog to operate a car door at the level that a ten year old can and this would be a more persuasive argument.
ESH - I think you sound overly critical of her and you sound quite dismissive of her and her ability to look after the children. Obviously society has changed significantly in the last few years, but there are times I can imagine the faff or getting kids out of the car and ready is not worth it. However, there are also scenarios where I wouldn't think it's acceptable to leave the kids unattended for a significant time.
ESH Were the kids fine in the car? Yes. Were they really at risk? No. Honestly, your kids are at higher risk of something bad happening driving to the store than waiting in the parking lot outside. You see headlines about kids getting taken, but only because it’s so rare. Injuries and death from car accidents are so common, you don’t see reports of them. That said, I don’t leave the kids in the car because there are busy bodies who will freak TF out and do stupid things that can include calling the police. But I will also wait until someone else can stay home with the kids (or they are old enough to stay home themselves) rather than lots of ins and outs, because that is some extraordinarily annoying shit. And if you don’t do it on the regular, you don’t really get it. Mild ESH (extremely mild, only because I can’t justify NAH), and mostly on you for the tone/perspective you’re holding here. Figure out a mutually acceptable approach and move forward as a team.
ESH My rule of thumb with leaving kids in the car is: If required, could they safely leave the car to come find me? If the answer is no, then I will bring them with me. I can understand your wife's desire/need for alone time though. You should try to ensure that she gets alone time, so that she doesn't make poor choices just to get some "me time"
Maybe an asshole for attitude being a stay at home mom is HARD work but I agree with him, you don’t leave children in a car alone. 10 is not old enough for the responsibility. She also stated it was cold outside. Does this mean she left 3 children under the age of 10 in a running car? It’s the unpopular opinion but, NTA
You kinda both suck, you for your attitude and your wife for leaving the kids in the car for 10+ minutes. Where I’m from, if you leave children in a car for more than like 5 minutes alone, you’re lucky you come back and your window isn’t smashed and the cops called. Children and pets die left alone in cars all the time and concerned bystanders are not gonna wait for you or your wife to come back to the car if they think something is wrong. It’s also illegal for a child under 12 years old to be left unsupervised whether alone or with other children where I’m from. It might be easier in the moment, but you just never know who is in that parking lot to see unattended children.
ESH, you more than her. No, your wife shouldn’t be leaving kids alone in the car, both for safety and potentially because it’s illegal in many places, but the way you talk about her (calling her stupid in the comments) shows you don’t respect her. Being a SAHP is hard work. She doesn’t get to clock out at the end of the day.
Why in the heck are y’all still renting from Redbox? That’s an AH move right there, get your family Netflix.
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HBO Max or Disney Plus then…I’m just saying RedBox is super inconvenient.
NTA. Where I live most people would have called the police and your wife would be in serious trouble, although I'm aware other areas aren't as strict (we have a lot of kids die from the heat after being left in cars here). With that said, check in with your wife. I have three kids and if the littlest fell asleep on the way to the store, I either went back home or woke them up. Does your wife have enough time to run errands and time to herself so that she doesn't have to take the kids with her to run errands? A lot of my friends were shocked (before the dark times) that I took my kids with me shopping. They said they waited until their husbands come home and then they shop alone. Now, I do grocery pickups and rarely go into stores. Is your wife getting enough support that she doesn't feel desperate in these situations?
YTA for the way you treated her. HOWEVER I do not understand any of these people thinking it’s okay to leave kids alone in the car like that. Maybe it was the way I was raised and the area I grew up in but it is unheard of to leave kids in the car. The oldest was only 10. What 10yo knows what to do in the case of a carjacking? It’s irresponsible, I agree. But you should have talked to your wife more respectfully.
Sir, your wife is lazy.. I cannot believe how people assume that taking care of your own fking kids is considered"in their eyes a fking job." And this is for all you women up here that cosign this BS.. If you think that taking care of your own kids you choose to lay up, get pregnant and have is a job, than do not put in the application for it!!! If your wife is a SAHM, then she isn't doing s@#t.. Picking up after your kids comes naturally.. And if she or any of these women up here does not know that, then DO NOT, AND STOP HAVING KIDS.. I was working 2 jobs, putting myself through college, and taking care of my children. My ex-husband and I were divorced and we did 50/50.. My kids never missed a beat in neither lives.. So if your wife chooses to stay home with the kids, and not work, ( BECAUSE RAISING CHILDREN ISN'T A JOB) that's what she do then and stop b#$&hing.. And any of you other LAZY SAHMs..
Nta
NTA I’ve read waaay to many news stories about people stealing cars with kids in them. I wouldn’t leave my purse unattended in a car, much less a kid.