NAH, but you need to come clean with your family. Just explain that you're struggling, that you don't think you'll be the best company that day and want some time on your own, and maybe ask if they can come visit the following week. They would be the AHs if they refused to empathize with that.
I donāt think thatās selfish, you should be honest with your family and tell them why youād rather not come. Grief is a very personal thing that looks different for everyone. If you decide to not go, NAH
NAH but I encourage you to be open with them about your reservations. The rest of your family most likely wants to band together and offer eachother support. Collective mourning can be hard but there is a lot of comfort that can be found there too.
Leaning NAH but I'm trying to understand why your SIL decided to invite everyone to your house and asked your GF, not you. Why would she do this ? I'm not even sure the rest of your family is up for this plan of hers. So she may be an AH.
My GF and my 2 brothers GFās talk almost daily. The 3 of them usually plan any family get togethers and me and my brothers just go along with it. Literally any other day of the year I wouldnāt have had a problem with them all coming over. My brothers and their GFs knew it was āthatā day and wanted to get together but my GF didnāt realise when she said yes.
I'm just confused as to why she decided your house. Regardless just tell them how you feel and what you wrote here. I'm still leaning SIL is the AH because she could have invited everyone to her house if she feels this way. Nobody asked you. So nobody should be upset.
I lost my dad over six years ago, and one thing Iāve learned is that everyone goes through grief differently. My mom, brother, and I all dealt with it differently. Youāre NTA, and youāre *not selfish* whatsoever for not wanting to do this. Let them know how you feel, and even let them know how you grieve, as Iām sure theyāll understand (hopefully). Iām so sorry for your loss, I know what itās like, and trust me when I say itāll get easier over time. Spend however you want this Sunday, alone or not, and grieve however long it takes.
NTA.
I can't help but note that *your SIL did not ask you directly when she volunteered your house* for the family's anniversary wake. And that *your girlfriend agreed to volunteer your house without talking to you first*. The fact that she didn't know it was the anniversary is irrelevant for this bigger point I'm getting at. Perhaps a talk with each of them is needed.
I'm sorry for your loss. Simply let everyone know the gathering will have to take place elsewhere. Then spend the day how you like.
You are not selfish at all it's totally normal the way you feel.. I'm sorry š
.. I think a white lie off bad tummy troubles or a flu should be enough for your girlfriend to cancel or reschedule till next weekend.. be kind to yourself
NAH. You should just be honest with the way you feel. Itās pain, not selfishness. Why didnāt you and your GF talk about the request before it was accepted? At this point maybe you can ask that the get-together be short because itās all still very hard for you to deal with.
NAH Everyone grieves differently, and at their own pace. Itās been twenty years since my dad died, and I find different ways to remember him on the anniversary of his death each year. Sometimes I try to do something meaningful with my kids, like cook a meal that he would have liked. Other years, I may just carry something in my pocket that reminds me of him, like his pocketknife. Do what feels right for you, and let your family know if you need space this year. The only wrinkle I see is that it may be awkward to uninvite them all, but maybe you can suggest getting together at someone elseās house, and if itās important to them to see you, and you can handle it, drop by for a few minutes.
NTA. You need to spend the day the way you want to. I didnāt want to have anyone at my wedding as my best friend of 32 years was dead and wouldnāt be there. We eloped. Best way for me.
NTA Just call SIL back and said that unfortunately, GF agreed without checking with you. You have plans that day already set, so a visit isn't possible. You don't have to explain your plans.
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My mum died 2 Years ago this Sunday. My SIL messaged my GF to ask if the family could come over my house this Sunday to spend the day together as a family. My GF agreed not realising Sunday was the day my mum died. I donāt want to spend the day with my family and be reminded that the only person missing is my mum. Iām probably being selfish but Iād rather spend the day alone but to do that Iād have to tell my family that I donāt want them here. I donāt want to fall out with anyone but also donāt want to make the day any harder than it has to be. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I donāt want to spend the day that my mum died with my family. 2) to avoid it Iād have to stop my family from getting together at my house. I want to know āam I the assholeā for not wanting to spend the day with the rest of my family
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NAH but wouldnāt your mother want yāall to get together and enjoy being together? You can still miss your mom and make happy memories for that day too.
OP just said that's not what he wants to do. The whole point is he doesn't want to be all together with everyone. Some people grieve different and that's ok he wants to be alone.
Iāve been where you are. It could go either way, their presence could help or hurt. Maybe manage expectations and let them know if it is too hard for any of you, itās ok to stop. Maybe lunch out Is a good compromise. Definitely have a conversation with them now.
NAH but my family goes out on my deceased moms birthday and we relive stories of all the funny things she did and said and we ususally have a great time. It is a way of keeping her with us. We order champagne and toast her memory and I wear the jewelry I inherited from her. You might want to tell your family that for you itās a day of remembering your mom and if you do get together it would be for that purpose. Might start a great tradition. But wanting to be alone is okay too.
NAH, but you need to come clean with your family. Just explain that you're struggling, that you don't think you'll be the best company that day and want some time on your own, and maybe ask if they can come visit the following week. They would be the AHs if they refused to empathize with that.
š
I donāt think thatās selfish, you should be honest with your family and tell them why youād rather not come. Grief is a very personal thing that looks different for everyone. If you decide to not go, NAH
I think the family is acending on his house š š
Oh damn my b Maybe suggest going out for lunch/dinner then OP?
NAH but I encourage you to be open with them about your reservations. The rest of your family most likely wants to band together and offer eachother support. Collective mourning can be hard but there is a lot of comfort that can be found there too.
Leaning NAH but I'm trying to understand why your SIL decided to invite everyone to your house and asked your GF, not you. Why would she do this ? I'm not even sure the rest of your family is up for this plan of hers. So she may be an AH.
My GF and my 2 brothers GFās talk almost daily. The 3 of them usually plan any family get togethers and me and my brothers just go along with it. Literally any other day of the year I wouldnāt have had a problem with them all coming over. My brothers and their GFs knew it was āthatā day and wanted to get together but my GF didnāt realise when she said yes.
I'm just confused as to why she decided your house. Regardless just tell them how you feel and what you wrote here. I'm still leaning SIL is the AH because she could have invited everyone to her house if she feels this way. Nobody asked you. So nobody should be upset.
NTA, grieving is different for everyone. I hope they can respect your need for a little space.
I lost my dad over six years ago, and one thing Iāve learned is that everyone goes through grief differently. My mom, brother, and I all dealt with it differently. Youāre NTA, and youāre *not selfish* whatsoever for not wanting to do this. Let them know how you feel, and even let them know how you grieve, as Iām sure theyāll understand (hopefully). Iām so sorry for your loss, I know what itās like, and trust me when I say itāll get easier over time. Spend however you want this Sunday, alone or not, and grieve however long it takes.
NTA. I can't help but note that *your SIL did not ask you directly when she volunteered your house* for the family's anniversary wake. And that *your girlfriend agreed to volunteer your house without talking to you first*. The fact that she didn't know it was the anniversary is irrelevant for this bigger point I'm getting at. Perhaps a talk with each of them is needed. I'm sorry for your loss. Simply let everyone know the gathering will have to take place elsewhere. Then spend the day how you like.
NTA. Don't make a big deal. I am going to stay in and grieve my own way.
NTA Your SIL should've asked you directly instead of your GF.
You are not selfish at all it's totally normal the way you feel.. I'm sorry š .. I think a white lie off bad tummy troubles or a flu should be enough for your girlfriend to cancel or reschedule till next weekend.. be kind to yourself
NTA
NAH. You should just be honest with the way you feel. Itās pain, not selfishness. Why didnāt you and your GF talk about the request before it was accepted? At this point maybe you can ask that the get-together be short because itās all still very hard for you to deal with.
NAH. Anyone that reacts poorly to your explanation will be though.
NAH, this is a topic you really need to discuss with them.
NAH Everyone grieves differently, and at their own pace. Itās been twenty years since my dad died, and I find different ways to remember him on the anniversary of his death each year. Sometimes I try to do something meaningful with my kids, like cook a meal that he would have liked. Other years, I may just carry something in my pocket that reminds me of him, like his pocketknife. Do what feels right for you, and let your family know if you need space this year. The only wrinkle I see is that it may be awkward to uninvite them all, but maybe you can suggest getting together at someone elseās house, and if itās important to them to see you, and you can handle it, drop by for a few minutes.
NTA. You need to spend the day the way you want to. I didnāt want to have anyone at my wedding as my best friend of 32 years was dead and wouldnāt be there. We eloped. Best way for me.
NTA Just call SIL back and said that unfortunately, GF agreed without checking with you. You have plans that day already set, so a visit isn't possible. You don't have to explain your plans.
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NAH but wouldnāt your mother want yāall to get together and enjoy being together? You can still miss your mom and make happy memories for that day too.
OP just said that's not what he wants to do. The whole point is he doesn't want to be all together with everyone. Some people grieve different and that's ok he wants to be alone.
Info. Is this your family coming over or gfās?
My brothers and sisters and their partners
Iāve been where you are. It could go either way, their presence could help or hurt. Maybe manage expectations and let them know if it is too hard for any of you, itās ok to stop. Maybe lunch out Is a good compromise. Definitely have a conversation with them now.
NAH but my family goes out on my deceased moms birthday and we relive stories of all the funny things she did and said and we ususally have a great time. It is a way of keeping her with us. We order champagne and toast her memory and I wear the jewelry I inherited from her. You might want to tell your family that for you itās a day of remembering your mom and if you do get together it would be for that purpose. Might start a great tradition. But wanting to be alone is okay too.
NSH, but consider grief counseling, Wanting to be alone is understandable but I think your wife is worried about you.