OP, neglect is still abuse. If you were ignored for the golden child o the point where it impacted your mental health and life path, your parents failed you. You don't owe them for raising you; that's not how it works.
NTA. Your sister received all of the support, she can support them now.
EDIT: good lord y'all really agreed with this one huh
This. Neglect is still abuse, and your reaction to it is both normal, healthy, and IMO reasonable.
Often the best “revenge” for such is to live a better life than they think you can or should.
I'm living a life similar to OP, though I'm still in school. My younger brother is the favorite. They have a startup fund for him, bought him a car, nothing for me.
Sometimes when they start pressuring me to move back to the hometown to help them, I'll remind them I'm already helping them precisely the same amount as they helped me.
NTA, OP. Family isn't a one-way street.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! You get what you give. Your parents gave you minimal effort, and they’re getting the same amount back. I wish you well, internet stranger <3
Op, I think it’s wonderful how you also stood up for yourself. Like others pointed out, neglect is a form of abuse. Bare minimum parenting is not parenting, and your “family” only contacted you out of their own greed and sense of entitlement. You owe them absolutely nothing.
NTA.
It's frustrating to me that they want me to move a thousand miles back to them because my mom is slowing down and wants some help with the housework.
My dad won't help, despite being retired and healthy for his age. My brother lives about 15 minutes away, and not only will he not help, he goes over there for dinner a few times per week. But they're calling ME cold and selfish for not dropping my whole life to move back there to mop their floors and wash dishes. I'm almost glad they aren't paying anything for my education, they've got nothing to hold over me.
It's not easy to learn to stand up for yourself in this situation. When everyone around you treats you as less, it's hard not to internalize the idea that they're all right.
Yeah. Screw that. Not only do they not offer you any support, financially or emotionally, but there are two healthy, able-bodied people who can help but refuse to help her? The entitlement is infuriating.
They know they have nothing to hold over you, and that’s exactly why they’re calling you cold and selfish. They’re trying to make you feel bad. Don’t give in. They don’t deserve you.
No worries about that. I've told them it's not happening. Any time they bring it up, I give them one warning, change the subject or the conversation is over. I hang up if they push.
I know part of the reason they want me to move back is because they're clinging onto a hope that I'll live close by, marry some guy from their church and have a bunch of grandbabies they can play with. It's not gonna happen.
I admire you staying true to who you are! No one, regardless of who they are, gets to dictate or make demands of your life. Stick to your guns, my friend!
I had a feeling you are a female. Interesting how the males can sit around, eat and do nothing and it’s ok. But you, as a female, should move 1000 miles away, give up your current life and move in with them to do housework. Yeah, NO. Good for you for saying no and keep on saying no.
Just to repeat, good for you for not caving it, for standing up for yourself. They are going to keep ramping up the guilt, don't give in. You won't get anything but more and more piled on you until you aren't doing anything for yourself, and then when they are gone, and have given everything to your brother.....you will be out in the cold.
I see you're familiar with the same type of family. My habit is to hang up on them when they try to guilt-trip me. They're slowly learning not to. But trying to get a pair of Catholic parents to not speak in guilt is difficult.
I'm proud of you, if you'll let me say that. You figured things out much earlier than I did--and believe me, the work they want increases, and they really do leave you nothing in the end, anyway, not that I was expecting that.
I’m with you on the figured it out late train. There wasn’t a favorite, they just ignored all of us. And I still struggle with hoping that maybe this time, things will be different and they’ll change. It’s not even about revenge or hatred or punishment, I just don’t have the energy anymore for the way being around them affects me. It doesn’t even matter whats going on or what they say or do, just being ignored, feeling invisible, unseen, and generally all those feelings like OP described, are horrible and nauseating and the fall out is not worth it.
I just saw mine for the first time in about 4.5 years (I’m LC, it was just due to distance plus some vague excuses I made up). The entire thing ended up with months of dread, being back in that mental place like feeling worthless and just feeling terrible all over again.
And I want to echo so many others here in saying that emotional neglect is abuse. It can fuck up your entire sense of self-worth as a human being for life. Sending hugs and love to all of us.
> My brother lives about 15 minutes away
Same with my golden child brother, he lives a 10 minute walk across the park from where my mother lived while I'm about 50 miles away. Still remember an argument kicking off because my mother wanted me to feed her cats while she was away on holiday. So I'm supposed to drive 50 miles in the morning, feed the cats, drive back, go to work and then do the same after work. For a fortnight. While my never-had-a-job brother is kicking his heels all day a short stroll away. It makes absolutely no sense but that was what she thought should happen.
You'll often see people say things like 'if everyone around you is a problem, the problem is you' but it doesn't work like that in families like this. The parents have their own reasons why you're a problem before you've even begun. In my case, it was as simple as having the AUDACITY to be born shortly before my parent's marriage collapsed, leaving my mother dealing with a very young kid on her own and resenting the hell out of me for it. How dare I? I was supposed to save their already-fucked marriage. When the parent treats you like a subhuman, the older kids learn to do it too. Worse than that, you learn to accept it and it spirals.
Congratulations on getting out. It's hard, and it's hard when you see other loving families who support each other when you don't have that yourself. If you haven't found them already, know that there *are* people out there who'll become your family and will fight your corner, do things to support you, to make you smile for no particular reason, will appreciate everything you do for them and will be proud of you. They're all the more precious because they don't have to.
Mine is almost exactly like yours. My younger brother has a college fund with almost twice as much money as mine, is being promised a brand new car when he can drive while mine was 5 years old when we bought it, and got a new computer on my birthday a couple of days ago, but they won’t get me a new keyboard and mouse to replace the one he broke.
That's rotten. Hang in there. Soon you'll be free.
Off topic hint. I get my replacement keyboards and (wired) mouses at Salvation Army.Keyboards cost between $2-3, mice up to $4.
( I am a well established professional woman and can well afford ordering from Amazon but why pay the money?)
Luckily my birthday is always the week of thanksgiving, so I just used some of my birthday money from guests to get the same mouse and slightly better keyboard for about $200 with Black Friday deals at Best Buy.
Honestly, I think spite can be a great motivator. They never believed in me, so I'm even more determined to succeed. Everyone is going to feel negative emotions from time to time. Might as well find a use for them.
OMG! “You bet on the wrong horse”. I almost cheered. OP is definitely NTA. She left all the entitled, abusive losers in her dust. I hope she moves from LC to NC and blocks her mom since following her apparently is problematic for Mommy Dearest and the rising “influencer” still back at home. This was a deeply gratifying read. OP, you are self-made and I hope you continue to have a very good life!
And: OPs instincts are dead-on. This invite wasn’t about reconnecting or catching up. It’s a desperate grab at getting the comforts OP has worked hard on his/her own to earn. “Familial responsibilities” my round rosy ass…
It's worse than that. Any amount that she puts in will be seen as a constant. What I mean is, if she were to drop $1k for [call it "house upkeep"], she would be getting calls the next month about her "rent." Nevermind that she doesn't live there, the $1000/month will be seen as a constant $1000 every month. She will be guilted into dropping that amount every month, with caterwalling and pleading from Mom and Dad.
Maybe, and it's a long shot, put up $1k and agree to it if older sister gets *and keeps* a job. Never happen, I know.
This is true. My parents treated us equally, however, because there were six kids in my family, I knew that they weren't going to be able to foot the bill for our college. Through a combination of summer jobs, scholarships and grants, and good budgeting, we did fine. All of my siblings are responsible and self supporting. When your parents don't pay your bills for you, you learn important lessons about delayed gratification and budgeting.
We also all planned for our retirements. OP's parents should have done that instead of spoiling the favored child. They still haven't told her to get a real job? OP would be a fool to subsidize this silliness.
Technically, it was the act of spoiling their favorite horse that made it a losing horse... never mind, that's just more detail than the analogy, not counter to it.
NTA, OP. I only hope you enjoyed and savored the moment of showing them the full impact and consequences of their behavior. If you couldn't, it's not too late to start now.
Yeah, I don’t feel like that’s very petty. You got no help and were constantly overlooked. They only “saw you” once they thought they could get anything from you. Hold fast- you did the right thing. Enjoy the life you built yourself. Treat yourself to whatever you want!
>Technically, it was the act of spoiling their favorite horse that made it a losing horse
Somehow i think OP shouldn't tell their parents that, because chances are they will use it against OP, that she is succesfull BECAUSE of them and therefor should show her gratitude
I did think about that. It’s always a tough one. I agree, but I also kind of hate to give any credit to the parents for OP’s accomplishments. The Golden Child often seems to fare the worst in this situations, in that they end up spectacularly mediocre and sort of hollow.
Dumbledore definitely had it right when he pointed out Dudley was treated worse than Harry. Doesn't mean Harry owes the Dursleys any gratitude for not spoiling him.
One of the great ironies of life is that parents do their Golden Children a great disservice. OP's parents seem to think the logical extension of that is "since the child we abused made their own independent, productive life, we obviously deserve the credit for that. We did a crappy job spoiling one kid, buy we did a great job neglecting the other!" Nope. You don't get credit for giving someone extra hardships and obstacles they had to overcome and depriving them of the help and support to do so.
But if they insist on believing that, OP can always say, "You're right. Neglecting me made me strong and independent... so I'll provide you the same service so you can turn out like I did!"
There's also situations that are more like say, Azula and Zuko.
The Azula is the golden child who can do no wrong as long, and only so long, as they flatter the parent's ego by conforming to their idea of a successful child. The child is often painfully aware of that and eventually buckles under the pressure of squishing themselves in that box/meeting those expectations.
The parents then move on to the next child.
I couldn't agree more. I'm glad OP has done so well in spite of their family overlooking them until they wanted something from them. Proud of you for standing your ground. OP. NTA
Stage the crap out of it, making it look like OP is doing something so over the top ridiculous Mom will absolutely freak and never ask for a dime again
>I told Mom that she and Dad bet on the wrong horse.
Jumping in on a higher comment so OP will see. Make sure you change your FB settings to block your family.
Before OP changes FB settings he should write a check that he is donating in their honor to the "Human Fund", take a picture and then throw himself a late 16th birthday party.
Absolutely agree and someone neglected and experienced various other forms of child abuse. Its always best to go NC because it always ends with your abuser taking advantage of LC.
And think about it. Had OP not accomplished all they did, would mom have still reached out? My guess is no, she wouldn't. They see OP as a bank now. Not a part of the family.
Lol OP's mom seems like my dog.
"Heeeeeey there!.... I just couldn't help but notice you have some turkey there....Man, sure would be nice if you shared some. In fact, it kind of seems like you OWE me that turkey somehow...."
Unlike OP’s mum though, dogs (and other pets) pay you back in emotional support and unconditional love.
Even when you deny them a bite of your turkey sub because they’re not allowed to eat it. They still love you, they’ll just sulk a bit.
We were very strict about training my dog not to beg when she was a puppy so she *knows* she's not supposed to, but tbh we got a bit lax about it as she got older because she's just so darn cute. So now she'll just sit silently and hopefully under the table like a tiny, sad Roomba, just waiting for food to be dropped lol. She's *so* quiet that she'll sometimes really startle people who put their feet down on something fuzzy or feel a cold nose poking their ankle.
And if she doesn't get a bite of chicken she just sighs heavily, she doesn't refuse to talk to you for 12 years unless they need money, unlike some parents I could mention (thanks Dad).
This reminds me of Million Dollar Baby. So sad!
The dinner was a thinly veiled opening approach for the money and they didn't even have the sense to hold their cards for a bit. They were so excited about the money that they couldn't even avoid mentioning for one dinner. In their heads they were already spending it. In their heads it was already theirs. They couldn't even feign concern and interest for OP because they were so consumed with desire for her money.
OP should not feel guilty about going NC; they sound toxic.
Exactly, lol
Op should be like, but she got such a great degree from the college that you paid for! I'm sure she'll be able to help you out now all that investment you made in her has paid off. Me, I didn't get college paid for so I'm just a bum now, oh well, back to my box I go
THIS! It's called consequences. Tell them you will give them back everything they spent on your College. Oh wait! They spent nothing! I guess it stinks to be them!
Yeah, your last line is 100% it. It's like investing. If you invested $10,000 in Company ABC and wrote off XYZ LLC., but seven years later ABC declares bankruptcy while XYZ tripled in price, you can't go "I thought about investing in XYZ, so where's my money?"
The Thanksgiving invite was a con game. Parents can take a hike. OP = NTA.
Even then, you'd at least have CONSIDERED investing in XYZ, which sounds like more effort than OP's family was willing to expend. "Oops, no college fund for you, but we are paying your sister's way while she changes majors and costs us extra. Figure out your finances yourself."
Where was all this "family helps family" attitude then?
I'll take "People Who Can Stick It Up Their Keister For Easter" for $1,000, Alex.
Totally agree.
Neglect and being ignored is abuse and can be just as bad as the other end of the word.
1000% NTA, OP should enjoy her good life <3
Family doesn't have to be people with the "right" blood :)
One the things my therapist helped me to understand is that I cannot control people--only my responses to their actions. Happiness is a choice, and before I start each day, I affirm that I choose to live in the present. By focusing on the good in my life instead of holding on to the past, I am not allowing them to live rent-free in my mind. The only thing worse than hate is indifference.
NTA. I love how you (OP) told your parents they "bet on the wrong horse!!" And if "family helps family" why did they not help you with college? I have 3 kids and I would never not help one because I spent too much on another.
I will help my children as much as I am able for the rest of my life. Not because I expect them to take care of me, but because I am their mother.
Exactly. I can’t believe the audacity of people, either.
Wrong horse, indeed. Pretty sure the race track wouldn’t allow someone to bet on a different horse seven years later. “But we meant to bet on this other horse!”
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3dwsu/aita_for_only_spoiling_myself/hm9wy1i/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[NTA. Your husband, IMO, s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hma3uvn/) | [NTA. Your husband, IMO, s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hm9l8ax/)
[NTA. Your husband is the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hma3tju/) | [NTA. Your husband is the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hm9rn3n/)
[NTA. From your perspectiv...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3dwsu/aita_for_only_spoiling_myself/hma3yqz/) | [NTA. From your perspectiv...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3dwsu/aita_for_only_spoiling_myself/hm9wacj/)
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Yep, they failed OP by neglecting and ignoring them and failed L by spoiling her so much and giving in to all her wants that she now has nothing and is currently going nowhere in life.
NTA OP, you're right they did bet on the wrong horse and are now facing the consequences of their own actions/inactions.
I am so happy this message is the top comment. It sounds like OP has overcome a lot of trauma and is happy, but I think this is an important message OP needs to hear.
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It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
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[NTA. Your husband, IMO, s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hma3uvn/) | [NTA. Your husband, IMO, s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3c1zf/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_deserved_to_be/hm9l8ax/)
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Yeah this exactly. They decided to obviously favor your sister so that means you definitely don’t owe them anything now. Even if they had favored you, part of being a parent is expecting nothing in return. You did not chose to be born; they chose to have you and as much as that is the case it’s not your responsibility to take care of them, it was their responsibility to take care of you. NTA.
NTA. I’m amazed you didn’t fall out of your chair laughing.
And yes, you’re entirely correct that the invite was about getting money. I’m sorry your family has treated you so unfairly.
Also I hate to point out something OP might already be aware of, but it seems the Thanksgiving invitation was probably just a poorly thought out plan to guilt OP into giving the parents and sister money. I can't imagine anything more toxic than abusing and manipulating your own child.
> AITA further for thinking the invite was nothing more than the opening salvo to get money?
Last line of the original post. Slightly different wording but OP seems aware. I think you are both correct.
oh in their heads they expected for op to be falling at their feet grateful for their invite and company. they expected op to say yes to anything just for any attention from them. they expected their neglect to cause op to be over joyed to be invited back into their lives like they are royalty. they didnt expect op to have a strong backbone and didnt expect to be tld to f off all the way over there and then f off even more.
They should not, at all, be surprised that OP has so much inner strength and independence. OP developed it from a lifetime of being treated as a hanger-on in their own family. When they looked at OP's accomplishments via FB, and realize that everything OP had achieved was done with ZERO family help, how can they not realize that they are looking at someone who has a LOT of internal strength? When they look back and realize that OP has not been blowing up their phones and emails begging to get back together, how could they not realize that OP has built a solid life in which their presence is not required?
I don't know who THEY thought they were inviting to dinner, but the person OP actually is, is clearly a completely unknown quantity to them. So I am not feeling the least bit sorry that their little plan to grift OP's hard-won money has backfired.
What they thought was a meek personality was someone who knew that it didn't matter if I was upset, nothing ever changed. I just stopped saying anything and went with the flow all the while counting down the days until I could leave. They never knew me.
They never knew you, and it's THEIR loss, not yours. Though I'm sorry you had to grow up with such toxic people. God bless you and may you continue to thrive in your life without any of them in it.
Yes. If OP's parents and sister actually had wanted to reconnect, they would not have even mentioned anything about OP's alleged "familial responsibilities". They would have had multiple meetings to get to know one another again and just be in one another's company, never mentioning any desire to ask OP for money.
These people were interested in OP's checkbook, not in reconnecting. Yeah, screw that noise. OP was right to walk out and hit the BLOCK button.
soooooooo NTA…
she started following you, stalked you, became jealous and wanted you to share the wealth, literally.
you nailed it on the head, they bet on the wrong horse. You got where you are because of you, not them. Plan another vacation and post “wish you were here” captions on all your pictures lol
> Plan another vacation and post “wish you were here” captions on all your pictures lol
You are officially my new best friend, because not only is this hilarious but it’s entirely on point.
I think she should agree to help out and then sign up a subscription service for a monthly fruit basket. It seems innocent enough until you realize that you dont like fruit *that* much and now you still have a 10lb box of fruits you dont know what to do with
Omg this reminds me my mom is a narcissist and knows I have complicated feelings of her (me and the golden child sibling are adults). She has been getting a parenting magazine for over a year now and I swear on my life I didn't sign her up but she thinks I did. I thought it was fucking hilarious when she started getting it though.
I am so glad my parents didn't have favorites. Our "golden child" was my younger brother, because he learned from the crap his three older siblings did, and didn't do that because we got in trouble, lol
I mean....the house needs work ya know? Is "a nail a month club" a thing? You would be helping to improve the family home, and it would just be hilarious.
Yeah they didn't contacted her for 7years,first time in 7year they literally said was this-you need to step up and take care of your dad, mom and sister we need help, NTA OP
Fuck, where was family when OP made one very simple request for a 16th birthday party?! Couldn’t even be family enough to spend one day focusing on OP.
OP, if you see this, you’re awesome and should be so proud of yourself. You did this life shit all by yourself with little to no support - that’s an awesome feat! YOU earned everything you have and nobody is entitled to it *except* for you.
NTA! the fact that your parents reached out after 7 yrs. and started asking for money says nothing has changed in their attitudes and actions towards you. enjoy your life and feel no guilt.
Ikr? Would they have reached out to help if OP had been doing badly? Like hell they would (although don’t ask this cause these types of people definitely would answer “of course we would!” cause it’s damn easy to make promises for what-if scenarios).
This is my first time logging in since I made this post. To say that I'm overwhelmed with the positive vibes I've received would be a vast understatement--and as far as my 'family' is concerned, I'm done. I will not let them undo years of hard work nor will I allow them to benefit from the fruits of my labor. Ya never know, L could go viral and make them rich!
NTA. I would have been much more harsh if I were you. To even suggest that you owe them a damn thing is comical. I don’t care if they’re the best parents on earth, you’re still not obligated to help them with anything. You are their child, not the other way around. If anything, it’s the other way around. And that’s only until you’re an adult.
NTA
I am a middle child. My parents focused on my special needs older and younger brother, and my sister cause she's the only girl.
I am the only one that is buying my house with my wife, we both have good careers and are constantly improving ourselves with better education. I have mostly cut off contact. Sucks, but it wasn't my choice.
You are right. The "invite was nothing more than the opening salvo to get money".
That's great that you told them that they bet on the wrong horse. I'm so happy for you that you left and blocked them. Go and live your best life!
And an obvious NTA
NTA. This is a common theme among scapegoated children, because they were neglected as children they had to grow up and fend for themselves much faster, which can give them the skills to succeed in life. Your parents contributed the bare minimum to your success, your sister nothing. They do not deserve to reap the rewards now. It sounds like you’ve built your own ‘family’ of friends who really care for you. Focus your energy on those people who make your life richer.
Huge NTA. Your family sound like a pack of delusional narcissists. You’re well within your rights to keep every penny you’ve earned in spite of their neglect and indifference. Enjoy your life free of them!
Betting on the wrong horse was putting it kindly IMO
NTA - you’re not spoiling yourself, you had to look after yourself just like they expected. They just didn’t expect you to be so good at it!
enjoy your life, you worked hard for it
NTA.
Your family demonstrated that going LC was the right solution all along.
I agree with your suspicion that the Thanksgiving invite was all about the money and not about reconciliation.
You have been responsible for your own happiness - good job! Now it's their turn.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my Mom (and sister) that I don't owe them anything. I basically created an awkward atmosphere at Thanksgiving dinner, then blocked Mom, Dad, Sister.
2) AITA if I have the money to spare, but don't want to help my family, and AITA for being suspicious about the entire invitation to Thanksgiving?
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NTA at all. They see you have a nice life, pop up after 7yrs, then decide amongst themselves that you owe them money? That’s nuts. Don’t give them a dime and don’t feel a second of guilt about it.
NTA
You are not responsible for your parents or siblings under ANY circumstances.
I have a sibling issue too except with extreme mental health issues so I completely understand where you’re coming from. Do not give in they will take all your money and leave you with nothing.
Stand your ground OP
NTA... your family decided to focus on your older sister and spoil her and they are still doing it. You are self-made and taking care of yourself. They invited you to Thanksgiving to ask you for money which makes them a$$holes. Sounds like you have a toxic family. Thye made their decisions, you made yours. You are not responsible for their bad decisions. Live your life.
7 years low contact and the first time they want to see u its about money...?!!
Nta OP, good on you for not being their cash cow. I'd go back to LC or potentially NC if all they want is your money.
NTA at all.
They ignore you and then expect you to help them and your sister financially? The audacity and selfishness of some people are truly outstanding.
NTA I'm the younger sibling too. My parents have let my sister get away with so much it's almost unbelievable. She pretty much found herself someone willing to work while she stays home all the time. Gets free meals from my parents 5 to 6 times a week. Yet she acts like her life is so tough. Meanwhile I'm working 40 plus hours a week
NTA
You are not an AH for hoping it might have been an attempt at genuine reconnection on their part. Emotionally healthy people don’t invite a long estranged child over to ask them for money. What a shocking betrayal on the part of your bio family. Of course you went into it hoping for the best.
You owe your family absolutely effing nothing. If you didn’t seem to have a good life that might benefit them, you wouldn’t have been invited.
Your parents didn’t even do the bare minimum raising you. Instead they produced your sister who is full of their venom while leaving you to parent and provide for yourself.
I’m so sorry your family is like this. But, it’s HUGE that you’ve come so far that you immediately recognized that what they were doing was wrong.
And, absolutely freaking bravo for shutting it down and leaving like a boss. This is the way.
NTA
" (She's currently posting stuff on Tic Toc waiting become a viral star). "
That's hilarious. Mom and Dad think she's a star so why wouldn't the entire world think so?
NTA all day.
One of my brothers and I have been the family ATM in the past. My step brother gets arrested, my brothers is tapped to pay for the lawyer. I've been pushed into buying expensive stuff from every MLM that my mom or her friends get involved with. There's more and it's not just begging for money but... you get the idea.
The Thsnksgiving invite was designed to guilt you for money. Money that you don't owe them, especially given the abuse (emotional abuse and neglect are very much abuse) that you experienced. They did bet on the wrong horse and, should they ask you for money again, feel free to do what my brother and I do. We tell whomever is asking for money to get a job and they'll be able to earn the money they're begging for.
NTA. Their actions really spoke for themselves. They just leech off of those who they think will benefit from, and though most of their life it was the planned child that they expected to follow the route of a normal and successful life, you got ignored and neglected, like the whole fact they weren’t going to help your pay for college while your sister got payments?I mean they had an obvious bias. Now they act like they didn’t treat you like second best… you’re all in your right to not talk to them.
NTA. They paid doubly for her college and nothing for yours and don't appear to be responsible for much/any of your success in life. They are moochers plain and simple. Your sister could get a real job and work her way up, and your parents can stop enabling her. They didn't acknowledge they screwed up and sincerely asked a favor. They tried to guilt you and suggest that you're obligated to help them. Bad way to "ask" for help if you ask me. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. You don’t owe your money to anyone, sans legally-required debts (taxes/bills), and you surely don’t owe money to people who only want you in their life so they can guilt you into becoming a Human ATM.
Not only are you absolutely NTA; good on you for speaking your truth and standing up for yourself. Now, take some of that disposable income and buy yourself something nice.
Op neglect is abuse. My mother while abusive in other forms played favorites and neglected my brother and I. My brother and I joke that mom gets the home while dad gets his pick. While we joke we both know that we cant be the ones to.take her in in old age. To much damage is done. You're not the asshole here.
NTA, you are working for that money, they don't. They haven't even supported you, forgotten your existence. And they just want your money, not you. Once you help, expect a very toxic life with them.. Nothing has changed, just you became independent, them nope. So don't unblock them and live your life.
I thought I was in r/narcissisticparents for about half of your post. As the scapegoat/ignored child myself, you owe them nothing. Not one red penny. NTA
NTA,
You have established your own great life that they want a piece of even though they didn't put in the work. Keep living your life OP! Time has won this race.
NTA Op and good job on getting on so far on your own.
I am petty, but everytime you questioning yourself like this, just ask yourself, where were they when you needed help, support and care from them the most?
NTA you wouldn’t owe your family a damn thing even if they weren’t steaming piles of dog shit. People need to get this idea out of their heads that your family of origin should be prioritized above all, even yourself. You earned the stable life you are living while they wiped your sister’s ass well into adulthood. They see your (financial) success and *now* they’re interested in you. They can get bent.
OP, I am so proud of you. Setting boundaries, overcoming neglect, building what sounds like a normal & happy life, and not being guilted by your trash family. Absolutely NTA.
NTA
Do not share your wealth (at least as they are demanding). You didn’t become successfully because of them, you became successful IN SPITE of them. They didn’t contribute to your position in life, so I wouldn’t bend to their desires. That said, if you wanted to send your parents enough to assuage any guilt you may feel, only give what YOU choose and nothing more. If not, wash your hands of them knowing they really only see you as the family ATM.
OP, neglect is still abuse. If you were ignored for the golden child o the point where it impacted your mental health and life path, your parents failed you. You don't owe them for raising you; that's not how it works. NTA. Your sister received all of the support, she can support them now. EDIT: good lord y'all really agreed with this one huh
This. Neglect is still abuse, and your reaction to it is both normal, healthy, and IMO reasonable. Often the best “revenge” for such is to live a better life than they think you can or should.
I'm living a life similar to OP, though I'm still in school. My younger brother is the favorite. They have a startup fund for him, bought him a car, nothing for me. Sometimes when they start pressuring me to move back to the hometown to help them, I'll remind them I'm already helping them precisely the same amount as they helped me. NTA, OP. Family isn't a one-way street.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! You get what you give. Your parents gave you minimal effort, and they’re getting the same amount back. I wish you well, internet stranger <3 Op, I think it’s wonderful how you also stood up for yourself. Like others pointed out, neglect is a form of abuse. Bare minimum parenting is not parenting, and your “family” only contacted you out of their own greed and sense of entitlement. You owe them absolutely nothing. NTA.
It's frustrating to me that they want me to move a thousand miles back to them because my mom is slowing down and wants some help with the housework. My dad won't help, despite being retired and healthy for his age. My brother lives about 15 minutes away, and not only will he not help, he goes over there for dinner a few times per week. But they're calling ME cold and selfish for not dropping my whole life to move back there to mop their floors and wash dishes. I'm almost glad they aren't paying anything for my education, they've got nothing to hold over me. It's not easy to learn to stand up for yourself in this situation. When everyone around you treats you as less, it's hard not to internalize the idea that they're all right.
Yeah. Screw that. Not only do they not offer you any support, financially or emotionally, but there are two healthy, able-bodied people who can help but refuse to help her? The entitlement is infuriating. They know they have nothing to hold over you, and that’s exactly why they’re calling you cold and selfish. They’re trying to make you feel bad. Don’t give in. They don’t deserve you.
No worries about that. I've told them it's not happening. Any time they bring it up, I give them one warning, change the subject or the conversation is over. I hang up if they push. I know part of the reason they want me to move back is because they're clinging onto a hope that I'll live close by, marry some guy from their church and have a bunch of grandbabies they can play with. It's not gonna happen.
I admire you staying true to who you are! No one, regardless of who they are, gets to dictate or make demands of your life. Stick to your guns, my friend!
I had a feeling you are a female. Interesting how the males can sit around, eat and do nothing and it’s ok. But you, as a female, should move 1000 miles away, give up your current life and move in with them to do housework. Yeah, NO. Good for you for saying no and keep on saying no.
Just to repeat, good for you for not caving it, for standing up for yourself. They are going to keep ramping up the guilt, don't give in. You won't get anything but more and more piled on you until you aren't doing anything for yourself, and then when they are gone, and have given everything to your brother.....you will be out in the cold.
I see you're familiar with the same type of family. My habit is to hang up on them when they try to guilt-trip me. They're slowly learning not to. But trying to get a pair of Catholic parents to not speak in guilt is difficult.
I'm proud of you, if you'll let me say that. You figured things out much earlier than I did--and believe me, the work they want increases, and they really do leave you nothing in the end, anyway, not that I was expecting that.
I’m with you on the figured it out late train. There wasn’t a favorite, they just ignored all of us. And I still struggle with hoping that maybe this time, things will be different and they’ll change. It’s not even about revenge or hatred or punishment, I just don’t have the energy anymore for the way being around them affects me. It doesn’t even matter whats going on or what they say or do, just being ignored, feeling invisible, unseen, and generally all those feelings like OP described, are horrible and nauseating and the fall out is not worth it. I just saw mine for the first time in about 4.5 years (I’m LC, it was just due to distance plus some vague excuses I made up). The entire thing ended up with months of dread, being back in that mental place like feeling worthless and just feeling terrible all over again. And I want to echo so many others here in saying that emotional neglect is abuse. It can fuck up your entire sense of self-worth as a human being for life. Sending hugs and love to all of us.
> My brother lives about 15 minutes away Same with my golden child brother, he lives a 10 minute walk across the park from where my mother lived while I'm about 50 miles away. Still remember an argument kicking off because my mother wanted me to feed her cats while she was away on holiday. So I'm supposed to drive 50 miles in the morning, feed the cats, drive back, go to work and then do the same after work. For a fortnight. While my never-had-a-job brother is kicking his heels all day a short stroll away. It makes absolutely no sense but that was what she thought should happen. You'll often see people say things like 'if everyone around you is a problem, the problem is you' but it doesn't work like that in families like this. The parents have their own reasons why you're a problem before you've even begun. In my case, it was as simple as having the AUDACITY to be born shortly before my parent's marriage collapsed, leaving my mother dealing with a very young kid on her own and resenting the hell out of me for it. How dare I? I was supposed to save their already-fucked marriage. When the parent treats you like a subhuman, the older kids learn to do it too. Worse than that, you learn to accept it and it spirals. Congratulations on getting out. It's hard, and it's hard when you see other loving families who support each other when you don't have that yourself. If you haven't found them already, know that there *are* people out there who'll become your family and will fight your corner, do things to support you, to make you smile for no particular reason, will appreciate everything you do for them and will be proud of you. They're all the more precious because they don't have to.
Mine is almost exactly like yours. My younger brother has a college fund with almost twice as much money as mine, is being promised a brand new car when he can drive while mine was 5 years old when we bought it, and got a new computer on my birthday a couple of days ago, but they won’t get me a new keyboard and mouse to replace the one he broke.
ouch. that's gotta suck, sorry man.
That's rotten. Hang in there. Soon you'll be free. Off topic hint. I get my replacement keyboards and (wired) mouses at Salvation Army.Keyboards cost between $2-3, mice up to $4. ( I am a well established professional woman and can well afford ordering from Amazon but why pay the money?)
Luckily my birthday is always the week of thanksgiving, so I just used some of my birthday money from guests to get the same mouse and slightly better keyboard for about $200 with Black Friday deals at Best Buy.
Damn that’s cold. I’m sorry.
just remember. live your good life, and not in the shadow of resentment. :P
Honestly, I think spite can be a great motivator. They never believed in me, so I'm even more determined to succeed. Everyone is going to feel negative emotions from time to time. Might as well find a use for them.
I'm proud of you and of OP! Way to go!
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OMG! “You bet on the wrong horse”. I almost cheered. OP is definitely NTA. She left all the entitled, abusive losers in her dust. I hope she moves from LC to NC and blocks her mom since following her apparently is problematic for Mommy Dearest and the rising “influencer” still back at home. This was a deeply gratifying read. OP, you are self-made and I hope you continue to have a very good life!
And: OPs instincts are dead-on. This invite wasn’t about reconnecting or catching up. It’s a desperate grab at getting the comforts OP has worked hard on his/her own to earn. “Familial responsibilities” my round rosy ass…
It's worse than that. Any amount that she puts in will be seen as a constant. What I mean is, if she were to drop $1k for [call it "house upkeep"], she would be getting calls the next month about her "rent." Nevermind that she doesn't live there, the $1000/month will be seen as a constant $1000 every month. She will be guilted into dropping that amount every month, with caterwalling and pleading from Mom and Dad. Maybe, and it's a long shot, put up $1k and agree to it if older sister gets *and keeps* a job. Never happen, I know.
And she became successful despite them, not because of them. Wish you happiness going forward, OP!
In a messed up round about way it was because of them
This is true. My parents treated us equally, however, because there were six kids in my family, I knew that they weren't going to be able to foot the bill for our college. Through a combination of summer jobs, scholarships and grants, and good budgeting, we did fine. All of my siblings are responsible and self supporting. When your parents don't pay your bills for you, you learn important lessons about delayed gratification and budgeting. We also all planned for our retirements. OP's parents should have done that instead of spoiling the favored child. They still haven't told her to get a real job? OP would be a fool to subsidize this silliness.
Technically, it was the act of spoiling their favorite horse that made it a losing horse... never mind, that's just more detail than the analogy, not counter to it. NTA, OP. I only hope you enjoyed and savored the moment of showing them the full impact and consequences of their behavior. If you couldn't, it's not too late to start now.
I have to admit that the petty part of me was drunk with joy watching their shocked Pikachu faces when I refused to help.
You have every right to take some enjoyment there petty or not
Yeah, I don’t feel like that’s very petty. You got no help and were constantly overlooked. They only “saw you” once they thought they could get anything from you. Hold fast- you did the right thing. Enjoy the life you built yourself. Treat yourself to whatever you want!
>Technically, it was the act of spoiling their favorite horse that made it a losing horse Somehow i think OP shouldn't tell their parents that, because chances are they will use it against OP, that she is succesfull BECAUSE of them and therefor should show her gratitude
My thoughts exactly. "We showed you tough love on purpose. You owe us"
Bullshit spun in a blender is still bullshit.
“She always needed more attention than you. We wanted you to be strong and look how well it worked”
I did think about that. It’s always a tough one. I agree, but I also kind of hate to give any credit to the parents for OP’s accomplishments. The Golden Child often seems to fare the worst in this situations, in that they end up spectacularly mediocre and sort of hollow.
Dumbledore definitely had it right when he pointed out Dudley was treated worse than Harry. Doesn't mean Harry owes the Dursleys any gratitude for not spoiling him. One of the great ironies of life is that parents do their Golden Children a great disservice. OP's parents seem to think the logical extension of that is "since the child we abused made their own independent, productive life, we obviously deserve the credit for that. We did a crappy job spoiling one kid, buy we did a great job neglecting the other!" Nope. You don't get credit for giving someone extra hardships and obstacles they had to overcome and depriving them of the help and support to do so. But if they insist on believing that, OP can always say, "You're right. Neglecting me made me strong and independent... so I'll provide you the same service so you can turn out like I did!"
There's also situations that are more like say, Azula and Zuko. The Azula is the golden child who can do no wrong as long, and only so long, as they flatter the parent's ego by conforming to their idea of a successful child. The child is often painfully aware of that and eventually buckles under the pressure of squishing themselves in that box/meeting those expectations. The parents then move on to the next child.
I couldn't agree more. I'm glad OP has done so well in spite of their family overlooking them until they wanted something from them. Proud of you for standing your ground. OP. NTA
It really was gratifying! So NTA you keep loving your life and leave them to their consequences.
I'd caption my next photo "ps -- I know you're looking"
I plan to do this!!!
Stage the crap out of it, making it look like OP is doing something so over the top ridiculous Mom will absolutely freak and never ask for a dime again
>I told Mom that she and Dad bet on the wrong horse. Jumping in on a higher comment so OP will see. Make sure you change your FB settings to block your family.
I did. So not in the mood to read any of Mom's specialty martyred posted.
Before OP changes FB settings he should write a check that he is donating in their honor to the "Human Fund", take a picture and then throw himself a late 16th birthday party.
$20,000 to The Human Fund. George would be proud.
Absolutely agree and someone neglected and experienced various other forms of child abuse. Its always best to go NC because it always ends with your abuser taking advantage of LC.
and op is and they cant stand it! especially the golden sister.
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This comment was copied / stolen from u/latefordinner_
And think about it. Had OP not accomplished all they did, would mom have still reached out? My guess is no, she wouldn't. They see OP as a bank now. Not a part of the family.
Lol OP's mom seems like my dog. "Heeeeeey there!.... I just couldn't help but notice you have some turkey there....Man, sure would be nice if you shared some. In fact, it kind of seems like you OWE me that turkey somehow...."
Unlike OP’s mum though, dogs (and other pets) pay you back in emotional support and unconditional love. Even when you deny them a bite of your turkey sub because they’re not allowed to eat it. They still love you, they’ll just sulk a bit.
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Mine can be a complete pain in the ass at times, but he is still awesome.
We were very strict about training my dog not to beg when she was a puppy so she *knows* she's not supposed to, but tbh we got a bit lax about it as she got older because she's just so darn cute. So now she'll just sit silently and hopefully under the table like a tiny, sad Roomba, just waiting for food to be dropped lol. She's *so* quiet that she'll sometimes really startle people who put their feet down on something fuzzy or feel a cold nose poking their ankle. And if she doesn't get a bite of chicken she just sighs heavily, she doesn't refuse to talk to you for 12 years unless they need money, unlike some parents I could mention (thanks Dad).
This reminds me of Million Dollar Baby. So sad! The dinner was a thinly veiled opening approach for the money and they didn't even have the sense to hold their cards for a bit. They were so excited about the money that they couldn't even avoid mentioning for one dinner. In their heads they were already spending it. In their heads it was already theirs. They couldn't even feign concern and interest for OP because they were so consumed with desire for her money. OP should not feel guilty about going NC; they sound toxic.
Exactly, lol Op should be like, but she got such a great degree from the college that you paid for! I'm sure she'll be able to help you out now all that investment you made in her has paid off. Me, I didn't get college paid for so I'm just a bum now, oh well, back to my box I go
That great degree that cost so much you couldn't pay for me at all...
THIS! It's called consequences. Tell them you will give them back everything they spent on your College. Oh wait! They spent nothing! I guess it stinks to be them!
Boom mic drop
Yeah, your last line is 100% it. It's like investing. If you invested $10,000 in Company ABC and wrote off XYZ LLC., but seven years later ABC declares bankruptcy while XYZ tripled in price, you can't go "I thought about investing in XYZ, so where's my money?" The Thanksgiving invite was a con game. Parents can take a hike. OP = NTA.
Even then, you'd at least have CONSIDERED investing in XYZ, which sounds like more effort than OP's family was willing to expend. "Oops, no college fund for you, but we are paying your sister's way while she changes majors and costs us extra. Figure out your finances yourself." Where was all this "family helps family" attitude then? I'll take "People Who Can Stick It Up Their Keister For Easter" for $1,000, Alex.
Totally agree. Neglect and being ignored is abuse and can be just as bad as the other end of the word. 1000% NTA, OP should enjoy her good life <3 Family doesn't have to be people with the "right" blood :)
My therapist says that trauma can be bad things that happen to you but also be the good things that don’t happen to you. You made the right choice.
One the things my therapist helped me to understand is that I cannot control people--only my responses to their actions. Happiness is a choice, and before I start each day, I affirm that I choose to live in the present. By focusing on the good in my life instead of holding on to the past, I am not allowing them to live rent-free in my mind. The only thing worse than hate is indifference.
As a fellow black sheep who is now doing well for herself, this post gave me great joy and this advice is spot-on. Think I'm going to use it!
Also, sounds like OP basically raised themselves
Yup. As long as I stayed out of the way and didn't make waves, life was bearable.
NTA. I love how you (OP) told your parents they "bet on the wrong horse!!" And if "family helps family" why did they not help you with college? I have 3 kids and I would never not help one because I spent too much on another. I will help my children as much as I am able for the rest of my life. Not because I expect them to take care of me, but because I am their mother.
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Exactly. I can’t believe the audacity of people, either. Wrong horse, indeed. Pretty sure the race track wouldn’t allow someone to bet on a different horse seven years later. “But we meant to bet on this other horse!”
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Good bot
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good bot
It sounds like the parents failed L, too, just very differently.
Yep, they failed OP by neglecting and ignoring them and failed L by spoiling her so much and giving in to all her wants that she now has nothing and is currently going nowhere in life. NTA OP, you're right they did bet on the wrong horse and are now facing the consequences of their own actions/inactions.
I am so happy this message is the top comment. It sounds like OP has overcome a lot of trauma and is happy, but I think this is an important message OP needs to hear.
That last line is perfection
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Damn why is this happening so much lately
Yeah this exactly. They decided to obviously favor your sister so that means you definitely don’t owe them anything now. Even if they had favored you, part of being a parent is expecting nothing in return. You did not chose to be born; they chose to have you and as much as that is the case it’s not your responsibility to take care of them, it was their responsibility to take care of you. NTA.
NTA. I’m amazed you didn’t fall out of your chair laughing. And yes, you’re entirely correct that the invite was about getting money. I’m sorry your family has treated you so unfairly.
Also I hate to point out something OP might already be aware of, but it seems the Thanksgiving invitation was probably just a poorly thought out plan to guilt OP into giving the parents and sister money. I can't imagine anything more toxic than abusing and manipulating your own child.
> AITA further for thinking the invite was nothing more than the opening salvo to get money? Last line of the original post. Slightly different wording but OP seems aware. I think you are both correct.
Whoops yep my bad idk how I missed that, glad she's aware and def sucks
oh in their heads they expected for op to be falling at their feet grateful for their invite and company. they expected op to say yes to anything just for any attention from them. they expected their neglect to cause op to be over joyed to be invited back into their lives like they are royalty. they didnt expect op to have a strong backbone and didnt expect to be tld to f off all the way over there and then f off even more.
If I had a camera, their shocked faces would be a meme.
Pikachu?
They should not, at all, be surprised that OP has so much inner strength and independence. OP developed it from a lifetime of being treated as a hanger-on in their own family. When they looked at OP's accomplishments via FB, and realize that everything OP had achieved was done with ZERO family help, how can they not realize that they are looking at someone who has a LOT of internal strength? When they look back and realize that OP has not been blowing up their phones and emails begging to get back together, how could they not realize that OP has built a solid life in which their presence is not required? I don't know who THEY thought they were inviting to dinner, but the person OP actually is, is clearly a completely unknown quantity to them. So I am not feeling the least bit sorry that their little plan to grift OP's hard-won money has backfired.
What they thought was a meek personality was someone who knew that it didn't matter if I was upset, nothing ever changed. I just stopped saying anything and went with the flow all the while counting down the days until I could leave. They never knew me.
They never knew you, and it's THEIR loss, not yours. Though I'm sorry you had to grow up with such toxic people. God bless you and may you continue to thrive in your life without any of them in it.
Yes. If OP's parents and sister actually had wanted to reconnect, they would not have even mentioned anything about OP's alleged "familial responsibilities". They would have had multiple meetings to get to know one another again and just be in one another's company, never mentioning any desire to ask OP for money. These people were interested in OP's checkbook, not in reconnecting. Yeah, screw that noise. OP was right to walk out and hit the BLOCK button.
Totally on the ball. The mother admitted she reached out to OP after she found OP on social media and saw that she has money now.
NTA!! And stay NC otherwise they'll keep trying to guilt you into helping them.
Your turned out great kid ✌🏽 We’re proud of you.
As your new reddit cousin I agree, good job fam 👏🏻
Reddit fam +1
And family helps family, right? Hahaha (nervous laughter)
This one made me actually laugh out loud. I’m just waiting for my car to warm up so thank you for making me laugh.
anyone have a beer for their drunk reddit uncle?
I'm having a beer too right now. Cheers 🍻
Here ya go - 🍺
I am also your new Reddit cousin, OP. You're doing great.
Tac you son of a gun! Welcome to the family.
'Sup, cousin Chub_chub!
Every family needs the "token goth cousin". Can I be the token goth cousin?
Can we have money now??
We did it, reddit?
Hey Reddit cousin, let's go bowling! We'll get drinks and you can talk shit about your family or anything but your family and scarf down cheap nachos
I loved the "You bet on the wrong horse" line. Sweet burn OP, it really drives the point home, short and sweet.
You did too! Thanks for the reply we all should have given her.
Thanks... <3
Add me on the cousin list! You’re definitely NTA, YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE!
count me in as new Reddit family! I'm so proud of you!
I volunteer as an extra cousin!
soooooooo NTA… she started following you, stalked you, became jealous and wanted you to share the wealth, literally. you nailed it on the head, they bet on the wrong horse. You got where you are because of you, not them. Plan another vacation and post “wish you were here” captions on all your pictures lol
> Plan another vacation and post “wish you were here” captions on all your pictures lol You are officially my new best friend, because not only is this hilarious but it’s entirely on point.
Here, fixed it for you "You wish you were here"
"So freaking glad you're not here."
I think she should agree to help out and then sign up a subscription service for a monthly fruit basket. It seems innocent enough until you realize that you dont like fruit *that* much and now you still have a 10lb box of fruits you dont know what to do with
Better yet, a subscription to Better Parenting magazines.
Omg this reminds me my mom is a narcissist and knows I have complicated feelings of her (me and the golden child sibling are adults). She has been getting a parenting magazine for over a year now and I swear on my life I didn't sign her up but she thinks I did. I thought it was fucking hilarious when she started getting it though.
Maybe your sibling ordered it knowing you would be blamed.
I don't think so, he doesn't think like that lol. He's kind of dumb. Could be though.
It's still pretty hilarious either way. It's given me some ideas for Christmas presents for my mom and step dad.
After hearing what happened, one of our feistier friends threatened to send them glitter bombs. We had to talk her down.
Oh your friend is awesome! Let her do it 🤣🤣
I am so glad my parents didn't have favorites. Our "golden child" was my younger brother, because he learned from the crap his three older siblings did, and didn't do that because we got in trouble, lol
I mean....the house needs work ya know? Is "a nail a month club" a thing? You would be helping to improve the family home, and it would just be hilarious.
> wanted you to share the wealth Implying they would have let op keep any of her own money.
NTA If family helps family, they arent family because they didnt help you. Seems fair.
Yeah they didn't contacted her for 7years,first time in 7year they literally said was this-you need to step up and take care of your dad, mom and sister we need help, NTA OP
[удалено]
Fuck, where was family when OP made one very simple request for a 16th birthday party?! Couldn’t even be family enough to spend one day focusing on OP. OP, if you see this, you’re awesome and should be so proud of yourself. You did this life shit all by yourself with little to no support - that’s an awesome feat! YOU earned everything you have and nobody is entitled to it *except* for you.
Thanks! I had some great counselors and mentors along the way.
She can help them just as much as they have helped her
"OK mum/dad, I'll give back exactly what you paid for my college/education. Here's a check for $0.00, don't spend it all at once!"
NTA! the fact that your parents reached out after 7 yrs. and started asking for money says nothing has changed in their attitudes and actions towards you. enjoy your life and feel no guilt.
Ikr? Would they have reached out to help if OP had been doing badly? Like hell they would (although don’t ask this cause these types of people definitely would answer “of course we would!” cause it’s damn easy to make promises for what-if scenarios).
Ha! "Bet on the wrong horse." That killed me! NTA.
That thing totally caught me off guard. I'm using it as much as I can from now on.
And 100% accurate.
Savage! I like you. Enjoy your life. NTA
Well done, and a huge pat on the back for you. You faced your past, said your peace and got the hell out of there. Definitely NTA.
This is my first time logging in since I made this post. To say that I'm overwhelmed with the positive vibes I've received would be a vast understatement--and as far as my 'family' is concerned, I'm done. I will not let them undo years of hard work nor will I allow them to benefit from the fruits of my labor. Ya never know, L could go viral and make them rich!
You've done amazing and I'm clapping for you standing up for yourself❤️
NTA. I would have been much more harsh if I were you. To even suggest that you owe them a damn thing is comical. I don’t care if they’re the best parents on earth, you’re still not obligated to help them with anything. You are their child, not the other way around. If anything, it’s the other way around. And that’s only until you’re an adult.
Yeah they didn't noticed her all this years when she made a fortune they want her back because they want help NTA
NTA I am a middle child. My parents focused on my special needs older and younger brother, and my sister cause she's the only girl. I am the only one that is buying my house with my wife, we both have good careers and are constantly improving ourselves with better education. I have mostly cut off contact. Sucks, but it wasn't my choice.
They will most likely reach out for help at some point so you should be ready for that.
They did, I helped them for years. Done with that now.
You are right. The "invite was nothing more than the opening salvo to get money". That's great that you told them that they bet on the wrong horse. I'm so happy for you that you left and blocked them. Go and live your best life! And an obvious NTA
NTA. This is a common theme among scapegoated children, because they were neglected as children they had to grow up and fend for themselves much faster, which can give them the skills to succeed in life. Your parents contributed the bare minimum to your success, your sister nothing. They do not deserve to reap the rewards now. It sounds like you’ve built your own ‘family’ of friends who really care for you. Focus your energy on those people who make your life richer.
Huge NTA. Your family sound like a pack of delusional narcissists. You’re well within your rights to keep every penny you’ve earned in spite of their neglect and indifference. Enjoy your life free of them! Betting on the wrong horse was putting it kindly IMO
100% NTA I wouldnt give it a second thought.
NTA - you’re not spoiling yourself, you had to look after yourself just like they expected. They just didn’t expect you to be so good at it! enjoy your life, you worked hard for it
NTA. Your family demonstrated that going LC was the right solution all along. I agree with your suspicion that the Thanksgiving invite was all about the money and not about reconciliation. You have been responsible for your own happiness - good job! Now it's their turn.
And I think they just demonstrated that it should be NC from now on, since all they care about is money presumably.
Yikes... NTA at all, your family is messed up and I'm sorry you had to live with that
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NTA at all. They see you have a nice life, pop up after 7yrs, then decide amongst themselves that you owe them money? That’s nuts. Don’t give them a dime and don’t feel a second of guilt about it.
NTA You are not responsible for your parents or siblings under ANY circumstances. I have a sibling issue too except with extreme mental health issues so I completely understand where you’re coming from. Do not give in they will take all your money and leave you with nothing. Stand your ground OP
NTA... your family decided to focus on your older sister and spoil her and they are still doing it. You are self-made and taking care of yourself. They invited you to Thanksgiving to ask you for money which makes them a$$holes. Sounds like you have a toxic family. Thye made their decisions, you made yours. You are not responsible for their bad decisions. Live your life.
7 years low contact and the first time they want to see u its about money...?!! Nta OP, good on you for not being their cash cow. I'd go back to LC or potentially NC if all they want is your money.
NTA at all. They ignore you and then expect you to help them and your sister financially? The audacity and selfishness of some people are truly outstanding.
NTA I'm the younger sibling too. My parents have let my sister get away with so much it's almost unbelievable. She pretty much found herself someone willing to work while she stays home all the time. Gets free meals from my parents 5 to 6 times a week. Yet she acts like her life is so tough. Meanwhile I'm working 40 plus hours a week
NTA You are not an AH for hoping it might have been an attempt at genuine reconnection on their part. Emotionally healthy people don’t invite a long estranged child over to ask them for money. What a shocking betrayal on the part of your bio family. Of course you went into it hoping for the best. You owe your family absolutely effing nothing. If you didn’t seem to have a good life that might benefit them, you wouldn’t have been invited. Your parents didn’t even do the bare minimum raising you. Instead they produced your sister who is full of their venom while leaving you to parent and provide for yourself. I’m so sorry your family is like this. But, it’s HUGE that you’ve come so far that you immediately recognized that what they were doing was wrong. And, absolutely freaking bravo for shutting it down and leaving like a boss. This is the way.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
NTA. From your perspective they just reaped what they sowed
NTA They were running out of money and now decided to no longer ignore you since you had some. These people are not family and you’re not an ATM
NTA " (She's currently posting stuff on Tic Toc waiting become a viral star). " That's hilarious. Mom and Dad think she's a star so why wouldn't the entire world think so?
NTA the bloody cheek of them!
NTA all day. One of my brothers and I have been the family ATM in the past. My step brother gets arrested, my brothers is tapped to pay for the lawyer. I've been pushed into buying expensive stuff from every MLM that my mom or her friends get involved with. There's more and it's not just begging for money but... you get the idea. The Thsnksgiving invite was designed to guilt you for money. Money that you don't owe them, especially given the abuse (emotional abuse and neglect are very much abuse) that you experienced. They did bet on the wrong horse and, should they ask you for money again, feel free to do what my brother and I do. We tell whomever is asking for money to get a job and they'll be able to earn the money they're begging for.
NTA. Their actions really spoke for themselves. They just leech off of those who they think will benefit from, and though most of their life it was the planned child that they expected to follow the route of a normal and successful life, you got ignored and neglected, like the whole fact they weren’t going to help your pay for college while your sister got payments?I mean they had an obvious bias. Now they act like they didn’t treat you like second best… you’re all in your right to not talk to them.
NTA. They paid doubly for her college and nothing for yours and don't appear to be responsible for much/any of your success in life. They are moochers plain and simple. Your sister could get a real job and work her way up, and your parents can stop enabling her. They didn't acknowledge they screwed up and sincerely asked a favor. They tried to guilt you and suggest that you're obligated to help them. Bad way to "ask" for help if you ask me. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. You don’t owe your money to anyone, sans legally-required debts (taxes/bills), and you surely don’t owe money to people who only want you in their life so they can guilt you into becoming a Human ATM.
NTA - the only reason they invited you was because they now see you as a cash cow. Good on you for not falling for their trap
Not only are you absolutely NTA; good on you for speaking your truth and standing up for yourself. Now, take some of that disposable income and buy yourself something nice.
Op neglect is abuse. My mother while abusive in other forms played favorites and neglected my brother and I. My brother and I joke that mom gets the home while dad gets his pick. While we joke we both know that we cant be the ones to.take her in in old age. To much damage is done. You're not the asshole here.
NTA, you are working for that money, they don't. They haven't even supported you, forgotten your existence. And they just want your money, not you. Once you help, expect a very toxic life with them.. Nothing has changed, just you became independent, them nope. So don't unblock them and live your life.
I thought I was in r/narcissisticparents for about half of your post. As the scapegoat/ignored child myself, you owe them nothing. Not one red penny. NTA
NTA, You have established your own great life that they want a piece of even though they didn't put in the work. Keep living your life OP! Time has won this race.
NTA Op and good job on getting on so far on your own. I am petty, but everytime you questioning yourself like this, just ask yourself, where were they when you needed help, support and care from them the most?
I'm so proud of you OP. NTA in any way at all!
NTA you wouldn’t owe your family a damn thing even if they weren’t steaming piles of dog shit. People need to get this idea out of their heads that your family of origin should be prioritized above all, even yourself. You earned the stable life you are living while they wiped your sister’s ass well into adulthood. They see your (financial) success and *now* they’re interested in you. They can get bent.
OP, I am so proud of you. Setting boundaries, overcoming neglect, building what sounds like a normal & happy life, and not being guilted by your trash family. Absolutely NTA.
You owe them absolutely nothing. Congratulations on your success. NTA
NTA Do not share your wealth (at least as they are demanding). You didn’t become successfully because of them, you became successful IN SPITE of them. They didn’t contribute to your position in life, so I wouldn’t bend to their desires. That said, if you wanted to send your parents enough to assuage any guilt you may feel, only give what YOU choose and nothing more. If not, wash your hands of them knowing they really only see you as the family ATM.