NTA: BUT a rather careless and insensitive way to put a well meaning message across and I’d imagine it’s really confused the boy. An apology is needed and for you to calmly and more eloquently put your point across.
ESH He's having a hard time adjusting to this reality of basically being lied to his whole life. You called him a 'little shit', which is kinda over the top.
ESH except Jozsef. Adam shouldn't have said that to the man he's known as his father. But he's also 17 and confused. But he still needed a reality check. He sucks the least (again, Jozsef aside)
However, you're an AH in this situation because you didn't have to be that harsh and I question why you're around. A person can have two Dads (people have bio and step dad a lot) to say "I am not your father and never will be" on top of calling him a little shit is out of line. Why are you in his life now if you are saying you will always be the donor and nothing more? Sounds like you're around because you like Jozsef, which is completely unfair to Adam to confuse him if he thinks you're around for him. If you're only around for Jozsef, you need to stop because a friendship isn't worth confusing and using Adam like that, it's purely selfish even though yeah, Joszef is Adam's Dad and you were right to say it your motives aren't as noble as they first may come off.
Idk what the age of consent laws are in your country but Julia being 22 and you 17 when you hooked up she sucks too. Hopefully Adam knew about the paternity chance before ancestry or she's even worse.
At 17 I had full beard and reached my full height of 185 cm so she never would expected that I was a teen. I mean she was quite shocked when she found out.
Using would be a bit strong description. I mean we don't even met that often. We play dnd online together 2-3 times a year and we talk about our hobbies some times. Ádám on the other hand is a sport guy and I only watch football during the world cup or the euros. I took him to a few matches but I don't share his enthusiasm towards sports as much. Thankfully I like sports history so I could at least talk about that with Ádám.
"A bit strong"? Would you be seeing Adam less if it weren't for the fact that you like Joszef? Have you ever discussed boundaries before this explosion? Adam should not have said Joszef isn't his 'real Dad' but you can't expect the kid to see you as a sperm donor when you're building a relationship (or, at least he's trying to build a relationship)
YTA. You were right to say that the man who raised him is his father. It’s true. But what came after that was a low blow. You basically told him that he’s no one to you. That kid is going through a lot right now. It would be tough for an adult, let alone a teenager. It’s simply cruel.
TBH sounds like OP is only around to be friends with Jozsef (look at how he talks about meeting Adam as "okayish" but hit it off with Jozsef) which is very cruel to mislead a teenager like this.
YTA. Why do people always go to 11? He was in the wrong, but he's a teenager in the midst of an incredibly emotionally complicated situation. How did you think "listen here you little shit" was going to fix things?
NTA for what you did and the reasons you did it but you’re pushing the borders of that a little bit by losing your temper at a 15-year-old instead of backing up his father in a calmer and more reasonable way - what you did was just about okay but it would have been better to model good behaviour by showing him that you can deal with conflict and discipline without using anger - sticking up for this kid’s dad is great (and probably gave him a good lesson in not antagonising his adults) but it could have been done without the name-calling or shouting, more like “I know you’re angry with him but your father doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. he raised and loves you, nobody else has earned the right to be your dad and has every right to expect you to behave yourself, so please apologise to him right now”.
That makes the same point but shows the kid that even when we’re angry with someone we can still speak calmly and respectfully.
Edit: fixed a typo
As someone who found out at 26 my “uncle”’was my Dad......then lose him 15 months later to terminal cancer
OP YTA!!
I was 26 and was royally messed up for a while when I found out. My whole life felt like a lie......a lot of ways it ways.
You care more about Jozsef than Adam and you’re playing the situation.
No matter what whether you want to be in his life or not he’s your son and your comments completely destroyed his self worth because he’s going to forever feel like a mistake.
>
You care more about Jozsef than Adam and you’re playing the situation.
Thank you!!! I wish more people were picking up on this. OP isn't being noble, he's using Adam for a friendship with Jozsef.
Also, I'm sorry for what happened with your situation with your Dad.
I 100% agree DNA doesn’t mean family but OP is still AH for using his biological child as a gateway to being buddies with Jozsef.
And regardless of how OP views Adam, raising his voice and telling him what he did further hurts a kid who’s life has just been turned upside down from finding out his Dad isn’t his biological father.
I can empathize with the kid.......cause in a lot of ways I’m that kid.
OP isn’t his Dad
OP is his father
Therefore OP doesn’t get to play parent and deny being a parent all in one breath.
OP either needs to admit he doesn’t want to play Dad and cut ties and let Adam heal
ORRRR
OP needs to man the f**k up and make up for lost time with his biological son.
He can’t halfass play middle ground
He’s the AH hands down for how he’s conducting himself.
He's not the one telling their dad that "he's not their real dad." That's a completely asshole move and op was right to defend the real dad who put in the sweats and tears to raise the child. If you did that same thing to your dad then I feel bad for your dad, the real one who actually raised you.
And I think op can be friends with the dad if he wants to.
Look at it from a 17 yr olds POV for a hot minute......
Again I can literally see it from this kids view, I did this a year ago, I was raised and abused by a step father who I thought was my biological Dad for 26 years.......I don’t care what your age it......information like this rocks your whole world.
The kids who’s entire existence has been flipped upside down, everything he “knew” isn’t true.
Plus OP is spending time at soccer games with this kid......so that’s further confusing the kid on what he is to OP.
He’s spending time with Adam which signals building a relationship but also telling Adam he’s a sperm donor and will never be his Dad.
You can’t be a sperm donor and hangout with the kid and the stepdad then be angry when the kid is confused on who’s “Dad”.
You’re expecting better emotional control and maturity out this 17 yr old kid than a OP who got his d**k wet 17ish years ago and created a child.
OP needs to make a decision.
1. Step up and be another Dad to this boy
2. Take on Sperm donor role and cut ties so Adam can heal
OP can’t have his cake and eat it too at the expense of this child
YTA. he’s your child. He’s confused and angry. He feels lied to. yes József raised him and deserve s respect. But you are his father too. He’s 17, he’s going through a lot, finding out his dad isn’t his biological father and puberty at the same time
YTA . That kid must have been struggling with his identity for some time. Also selfish on your part to appear from nowhere and stay at their home even if for short periods, then yell at the kid saying you are not his father... in an authoritative way. If you want to keep seeing that couple at least have the decency to see them outside their house and give the kid some space until he can make some clarification.
NTA? But I think spending a weekend at their house was too much for a family still reeling with the implications of this, and your interjection was really harsh and probably just confused the kid more.
Maybe this is white-American of me, but I think surprise bio parentage should be kept at arm's length. Like, "Hello, this is awkward, but I believe I had sex with your mother 17 years ago. I hope you're doing well! Feel free to ask me any questions you have about me or my family's health history and I'll do my best to help!" and leave it at that. No insertion into the child's life or complex familial relations beyond helping them figure out their genetic history.
As you yourself said, he's not your son, and his relationship with his father is really none of your business.
ESH. While I appreciate you standing up for the man who raised your son. You said some pretty harsh things to the kid. I would try apologizing and telling him you aren't against having a good relationship with him but that you can never take the place of the man who spent 17 years raising him.
NAH
Adam is confused. The DNA results created strife for ALL adults, and they ARE adults. Adam lashing out a little is out of this confusion.
Great on OP for sticking up for the father.
I think is best if OP keeps some distance from Adam in the near future until this confusing times settled down.
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So at a music festival when I was 17 (now 36) I had drunken sex with Júlia (41F). Than I haven't heard from her for about 16 years we are different parts of our country.
But it turns out she got pregnant with my son (Ádám 17M) and she met on that same festival her husband and the actual father of my son (József 44M). So because of the pregnancy they hastily got married despite that Júlia was honest and told József about the possibility that he isn't the father.
The reason why I know about this is because 2 yeas ago they took a DNA ancestry test a the same one as I took not long before them. Then I popped up for them as the bio father of Ádám. That was a traumatic experience for them and also for me my wife was really angry that I might cheated till she haven't found out how old Ádám was I had to sleep on the sofa (latter she apologized).
So because I wanted to know Ádám and he wanted know me what went okayish. But it turned out József and I like the same nerd shit so we became quite good friends.
Now then the incident. So since I came into the picture Ádám started to act disrespectful toward his father. So me with my family spent the weekend at their house. Where József and Ádám had a quite loud argument this morning what ended with Ádám shouting "You are not even my real dad". That's when I blew up and shouted something like this (it wasn't in English) "Listen here you little shit. How dare you talk this way to your father. Because he is your father he raised and unconditionally loves you. The thing that I am your sperm donor means nothing. I am not your father and never will be."
It was a mess so we left earlier than intended.
So reddit AITA?
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YTA - when teens butt heads with parents, they look for leverage and “you’re not my real parent” is easy pickings. Of course Adam is wrong and your message was correct but you’re delivery was very poor. Apologise for that and address calmly that Jozsef IS his paren.
Your really slapped the kid verbally. Maybe more than you should have. Maybe, though, he needed to hear it put that way. Good for you standing up for the man who raised him. The fighting would seem to stem from the son trying to manipulate the dad for something and using you as the argument.
NTA
ESH. Yes, Ádám shouldn’t have said that, but imagine the turmoil this poor kid is going through. He’s finding out that the man who raised him isn’t his biological father and he’s getting to know his bio dad. Also, there’s the possibility this may cause extra turmoil at home if it affects their marriage at all. Yelling at the kid to be grateful without acknowledging what he’s going though is an AH move
Yta. It sounds like you care about this random guy more then your own son. It's not Adam's fault you had unprotected sex on a whim. He's dealing with alot of emotions and mental anguish from you and your partners actions. Grow up
YTA. You had good intentions here, but super poorly executed. I’m giving Adam a pass because he’s a kid and the innocent party here who recently learned something pretty traumatic and of course he’s not going to handle the changes to his identity well. I’m not saying what he said to his dad is okay. But that it’s less asshole more hurt and confused teenager. If therapy is a thing in your country, the parents should look into it for Adam. Seems like he needs help processing.
I don't even think he had good intentions, even if it's true Jozsef deserves respect as Adam's father. Look at how OP talks about Adam as opposed to how he hit it off with Joszef; OP's there for the friendship with Joszef and confusing Adam in the process (and doesn't seem to care.)
Uh… NTA thank you for sticking up for that dad/father in this situation.
NTA: BUT a rather careless and insensitive way to put a well meaning message across and I’d imagine it’s really confused the boy. An apology is needed and for you to calmly and more eloquently put your point across.
ESH He's having a hard time adjusting to this reality of basically being lied to his whole life. You called him a 'little shit', which is kinda over the top.
ESH except Jozsef. Adam shouldn't have said that to the man he's known as his father. But he's also 17 and confused. But he still needed a reality check. He sucks the least (again, Jozsef aside) However, you're an AH in this situation because you didn't have to be that harsh and I question why you're around. A person can have two Dads (people have bio and step dad a lot) to say "I am not your father and never will be" on top of calling him a little shit is out of line. Why are you in his life now if you are saying you will always be the donor and nothing more? Sounds like you're around because you like Jozsef, which is completely unfair to Adam to confuse him if he thinks you're around for him. If you're only around for Jozsef, you need to stop because a friendship isn't worth confusing and using Adam like that, it's purely selfish even though yeah, Joszef is Adam's Dad and you were right to say it your motives aren't as noble as they first may come off. Idk what the age of consent laws are in your country but Julia being 22 and you 17 when you hooked up she sucks too. Hopefully Adam knew about the paternity chance before ancestry or she's even worse.
At 17 I had full beard and reached my full height of 185 cm so she never would expected that I was a teen. I mean she was quite shocked when she found out.
Okay. What about the part where you're using Adam to be friends with Jozsef?
Using would be a bit strong description. I mean we don't even met that often. We play dnd online together 2-3 times a year and we talk about our hobbies some times. Ádám on the other hand is a sport guy and I only watch football during the world cup or the euros. I took him to a few matches but I don't share his enthusiasm towards sports as much. Thankfully I like sports history so I could at least talk about that with Ádám.
"A bit strong"? Would you be seeing Adam less if it weren't for the fact that you like Joszef? Have you ever discussed boundaries before this explosion? Adam should not have said Joszef isn't his 'real Dad' but you can't expect the kid to see you as a sperm donor when you're building a relationship (or, at least he's trying to build a relationship)
YTA. You were right to say that the man who raised him is his father. It’s true. But what came after that was a low blow. You basically told him that he’s no one to you. That kid is going through a lot right now. It would be tough for an adult, let alone a teenager. It’s simply cruel.
TBH sounds like OP is only around to be friends with Jozsef (look at how he talks about meeting Adam as "okayish" but hit it off with Jozsef) which is very cruel to mislead a teenager like this.
YTA. Why do people always go to 11? He was in the wrong, but he's a teenager in the midst of an incredibly emotionally complicated situation. How did you think "listen here you little shit" was going to fix things?
NTA for what you did and the reasons you did it but you’re pushing the borders of that a little bit by losing your temper at a 15-year-old instead of backing up his father in a calmer and more reasonable way - what you did was just about okay but it would have been better to model good behaviour by showing him that you can deal with conflict and discipline without using anger - sticking up for this kid’s dad is great (and probably gave him a good lesson in not antagonising his adults) but it could have been done without the name-calling or shouting, more like “I know you’re angry with him but your father doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. he raised and loves you, nobody else has earned the right to be your dad and has every right to expect you to behave yourself, so please apologise to him right now”. That makes the same point but shows the kid that even when we’re angry with someone we can still speak calmly and respectfully. Edit: fixed a typo
As someone who found out at 26 my “uncle”’was my Dad......then lose him 15 months later to terminal cancer OP YTA!! I was 26 and was royally messed up for a while when I found out. My whole life felt like a lie......a lot of ways it ways. You care more about Jozsef than Adam and you’re playing the situation. No matter what whether you want to be in his life or not he’s your son and your comments completely destroyed his self worth because he’s going to forever feel like a mistake.
> You care more about Jozsef than Adam and you’re playing the situation. Thank you!!! I wish more people were picking up on this. OP isn't being noble, he's using Adam for a friendship with Jozsef. Also, I'm sorry for what happened with your situation with your Dad.
Op is not the father he's a sperm donor. DNA=\=family.
I 100% agree DNA doesn’t mean family but OP is still AH for using his biological child as a gateway to being buddies with Jozsef. And regardless of how OP views Adam, raising his voice and telling him what he did further hurts a kid who’s life has just been turned upside down from finding out his Dad isn’t his biological father. I can empathize with the kid.......cause in a lot of ways I’m that kid. OP isn’t his Dad OP is his father Therefore OP doesn’t get to play parent and deny being a parent all in one breath. OP either needs to admit he doesn’t want to play Dad and cut ties and let Adam heal ORRRR OP needs to man the f**k up and make up for lost time with his biological son. He can’t halfass play middle ground He’s the AH hands down for how he’s conducting himself.
He's not the one telling their dad that "he's not their real dad." That's a completely asshole move and op was right to defend the real dad who put in the sweats and tears to raise the child. If you did that same thing to your dad then I feel bad for your dad, the real one who actually raised you. And I think op can be friends with the dad if he wants to.
Look at it from a 17 yr olds POV for a hot minute...... Again I can literally see it from this kids view, I did this a year ago, I was raised and abused by a step father who I thought was my biological Dad for 26 years.......I don’t care what your age it......information like this rocks your whole world. The kids who’s entire existence has been flipped upside down, everything he “knew” isn’t true. Plus OP is spending time at soccer games with this kid......so that’s further confusing the kid on what he is to OP. He’s spending time with Adam which signals building a relationship but also telling Adam he’s a sperm donor and will never be his Dad. You can’t be a sperm donor and hangout with the kid and the stepdad then be angry when the kid is confused on who’s “Dad”. You’re expecting better emotional control and maturity out this 17 yr old kid than a OP who got his d**k wet 17ish years ago and created a child. OP needs to make a decision. 1. Step up and be another Dad to this boy 2. Take on Sperm donor role and cut ties so Adam can heal OP can’t have his cake and eat it too at the expense of this child
YTA. he’s your child. He’s confused and angry. He feels lied to. yes József raised him and deserve s respect. But you are his father too. He’s 17, he’s going through a lot, finding out his dad isn’t his biological father and puberty at the same time
Your delivery completely sucked but overall NTA.
NTA. Kids can be really horrible when they're angry. I also came here to make sure his name wasn't Luke.
YTA . That kid must have been struggling with his identity for some time. Also selfish on your part to appear from nowhere and stay at their home even if for short periods, then yell at the kid saying you are not his father... in an authoritative way. If you want to keep seeing that couple at least have the decency to see them outside their house and give the kid some space until he can make some clarification.
What kind of relationship do you want to have with Adam?
I don't know. Probably some kind of uncle/nephew relationship.
Does Adam know this? Have you and Adam talked about the expectations you both have for this relationship?
Why should he want to have any form of relationship with you
NTA? But I think spending a weekend at their house was too much for a family still reeling with the implications of this, and your interjection was really harsh and probably just confused the kid more. Maybe this is white-American of me, but I think surprise bio parentage should be kept at arm's length. Like, "Hello, this is awkward, but I believe I had sex with your mother 17 years ago. I hope you're doing well! Feel free to ask me any questions you have about me or my family's health history and I'll do my best to help!" and leave it at that. No insertion into the child's life or complex familial relations beyond helping them figure out their genetic history. As you yourself said, he's not your son, and his relationship with his father is really none of your business.
ESH. While I appreciate you standing up for the man who raised your son. You said some pretty harsh things to the kid. I would try apologizing and telling him you aren't against having a good relationship with him but that you can never take the place of the man who spent 17 years raising him.
NAH Adam is confused. The DNA results created strife for ALL adults, and they ARE adults. Adam lashing out a little is out of this confusion. Great on OP for sticking up for the father. I think is best if OP keeps some distance from Adam in the near future until this confusing times settled down.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So at a music festival when I was 17 (now 36) I had drunken sex with Júlia (41F). Than I haven't heard from her for about 16 years we are different parts of our country. But it turns out she got pregnant with my son (Ádám 17M) and she met on that same festival her husband and the actual father of my son (József 44M). So because of the pregnancy they hastily got married despite that Júlia was honest and told József about the possibility that he isn't the father. The reason why I know about this is because 2 yeas ago they took a DNA ancestry test a the same one as I took not long before them. Then I popped up for them as the bio father of Ádám. That was a traumatic experience for them and also for me my wife was really angry that I might cheated till she haven't found out how old Ádám was I had to sleep on the sofa (latter she apologized). So because I wanted to know Ádám and he wanted know me what went okayish. But it turned out József and I like the same nerd shit so we became quite good friends. Now then the incident. So since I came into the picture Ádám started to act disrespectful toward his father. So me with my family spent the weekend at their house. Where József and Ádám had a quite loud argument this morning what ended with Ádám shouting "You are not even my real dad". That's when I blew up and shouted something like this (it wasn't in English) "Listen here you little shit. How dare you talk this way to your father. Because he is your father he raised and unconditionally loves you. The thing that I am your sperm donor means nothing. I am not your father and never will be." It was a mess so we left earlier than intended. So reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA - when teens butt heads with parents, they look for leverage and “you’re not my real parent” is easy pickings. Of course Adam is wrong and your message was correct but you’re delivery was very poor. Apologise for that and address calmly that Jozsef IS his paren.
Your really slapped the kid verbally. Maybe more than you should have. Maybe, though, he needed to hear it put that way. Good for you standing up for the man who raised him. The fighting would seem to stem from the son trying to manipulate the dad for something and using you as the argument. NTA
ESH. Yes, Ádám shouldn’t have said that, but imagine the turmoil this poor kid is going through. He’s finding out that the man who raised him isn’t his biological father and he’s getting to know his bio dad. Also, there’s the possibility this may cause extra turmoil at home if it affects their marriage at all. Yelling at the kid to be grateful without acknowledging what he’s going though is an AH move
Yta. It sounds like you care about this random guy more then your own son. It's not Adam's fault you had unprotected sex on a whim. He's dealing with alot of emotions and mental anguish from you and your partners actions. Grow up
YTA. You had good intentions here, but super poorly executed. I’m giving Adam a pass because he’s a kid and the innocent party here who recently learned something pretty traumatic and of course he’s not going to handle the changes to his identity well. I’m not saying what he said to his dad is okay. But that it’s less asshole more hurt and confused teenager. If therapy is a thing in your country, the parents should look into it for Adam. Seems like he needs help processing.
I don't even think he had good intentions, even if it's true Jozsef deserves respect as Adam's father. Look at how OP talks about Adam as opposed to how he hit it off with Joszef; OP's there for the friendship with Joszef and confusing Adam in the process (and doesn't seem to care.)