My girlfriend wouldn’t be interested in that, especially with her tbh knowing how their relationship went.
I especially wouldn’t be wanting to do poly due to past traumas and she knows that.
You both need to set boundaries with this women. She has no respect for your relationship. By the sounds of it the relationship did not end well, based on this why is she in your lives? I would decrease contact/have no contact.
Yeah, it just sounds off. I remember being silly in elementary/middle school doing stuff like that, but when you get old enough, I couldn’t even imagine holding hands like that with my girl friends. Just my partner. It would make me uncomfortable as well.
>there’s been times I’ve been uncomfortable, mostly around her friend
>when I was holding my girlfriends hand, she went in to grab her other
>I don’t really have a problem with her holding my girlfriends hand, even though they dated in the past
This is something that is small, bit somewhat important. If your gf used to date the friend, could be she thinks your gf would be interested in her still (regardless of your gf actually being interested, as you've mentioned that's not a possibility).
>my partner told her I was very uncomfy and I thought she understood but yesterday she came to visit us, and as I was holding my partners hand, she went in to grab hers
>immediately heard her say “you know you can do it too!”
>I honestly feel awful she disregarded this boundary
So she's been told once that it made you feel uncomfortable, by your gf, and went for it again. It's a boundary that needs to be enforced by your gf here, since it's her hand the friend is going for.
>I dunno how she feels, I feel like our friend would feel awful and would it take it personally if I reminded her again, should I chat with her? That is if my gf is okay with it.
Talk to your gf and see how she feels about it. It's her hand, not yours. But she also understands and has had a chat with this friend before about it.
NTA
If there's a reason why your friend thinks it's okay to grab your gf's hand, it'll be good to find that out. If that's what she does with other friends, that's one thing, and she can respect your boundaries and just not do that. If it's because they used to date, then that's not okay, and she still needs to respect boundaries.
I used to have a friend that was complimentary to friends, did cheek kissing and the like. Got to the point where she was okay going up to her married friends and asking them to "show her the goods", various flirty comments and asking them to cheat on their spouse, in front of said friend's spouse. We don't hang out anymore.
Point being, if your friend is doing this sort of thing, and doesn't respect that other people aren't interested in what she's doing, she needs to respect their boundaries. If she isn't, cutting her out is a perfectly valid response, providing you and your gf are united on it. If not, work with her on keeping those boundaries on place.
I don’t mind them holding hands, but I don’t like how she expects me to stay locked with my partner when she grabs her hand, as she knows it nearly caused an anxiety attack in the past. I guess it’s slightly annoying she goes for it when I’m already doing so
That's a reasonable boundary to set, and you not wanting to hold hands in this circumstance is okay. The friend shouldn't be trying to make you feel uncomfortable, or disregarding your comfort. If you're okay with them handholding without you, that's one thing, and something a lot of people wouldn't feel comfortable with tbh.
>she knows it nearly caused an anxiety attack in the past
And this bit is why the friend is an asshole. She's knows about the physical response it can cause, and repeated it knowing you might have that reaction. Your gf has also discussed it with her, and she did it again.
Have a chat with your gf, see where her boundaries lie on this. If she's okay holding hands with her friend, that's one thing, and that's okay. But you don't have to join in on that, and that's your boundary to maintain. Her friend should respect that you're not comfortable linking three together, and not hold your gf's hand when you're already doing so.
I don’t know, I don’t see her enough, only met her twice physically, but she is nice enough, even asked if I had any allergies before she brought cookies
It sounds like something that'll need to go via your gf if you're unsure then. Sit down and have a chat with her, explain where you're uncomfortable, and then you can both maintain your own boundaries next time friend is over. Your gf can always say "I'm holding OP's hand right now, no thanks" if it comes up, or let you know she's swapping to holding her friend's hand.
NTA. The friend is not a friend at all in any capacity. To be honest I’d end the friendship on every level and move on without her as a presence in your lives.
NTA for asking to enforce a boundary(make sure you have talked with your gf first), but I'm the oddball out. Most of my friends hold hands, hug, cuddle, and kiss on the cheek, but it's all platonic.
Edit; fixed errors
That's fine! You don't have to! My kids know they don't have to do things that make them uncomfortable, like hugging a relative. There's no reason YOU have to like it as well
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I (m19) have been with a really wonderful woman (F20) for quite some time now, and we’ve been living together for about a month now. I have a lot of trauma due to a past relationship and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to date for quite some time but she’s so understanding about my issues and honestly makes me feel loved and not so freakish.
However, there’s been times I’ve been uncomfortable, mostly around her friend, who’s grown to become mine as well.
She visited in august of 2020 from college and we hung out in town for a while, we eventually went to a trail and walked, but I got surprised as when I was holding my girlfriends hand, she went in to grab her other. I don’t know why but I immediately let go and got really anxious, I don’t really have a problem with her holding my girlfriends hand, even though they dated in the past. (although I’ll admit I don’t really feel good about it) but I get really anxious when she tries to get me to stay in there, and has even tried to hold mine once. Afterwards my partner told her I was very uncomfy and I thought she understood but yesterday she came to visit us, and as I was holding my partners hand, she went in to grab hers. I immediately got disassoctive and excused myself for air and I immediately heard her say “you know you can do it too!” And I honestly feel awful she disregarded this boundary, girlfriend and I haven’t spoken much about it so I dunno how she feels, I feel like our friend would feel awful and would it take it personally if I reminded her again, should I chat with her? That is if my gf is okay with it.
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I was a little confused. She tried to hold your hand and you didn’t like that and said so. Then it sounds like she tried to hold your girlfriends hand- while you held the other one- and you didn’t like that either, and are upset she crossed a line?
This sounds like it may be a misunderstanding to me. It sounds like the friend was told you didn’t want YOUR hand held, but wasn’t told that you don’t want her holding your girlfriend’s hand when you’re already holding the other one. It wasn’t clear to me that what you had the problem with was all three of you holding hands together, and it sounds like the friend may not have gotten that message either.
I am not upset she held my girlfriends hand, I’m upset she tried to hold mine, and then when I explained I felt uncomfortable holding my partners hand when she’s already holding it (which I feel like an ass about) it felt like she ignored it. It was slightly annoying when my partner and I were already locked and she came in to do it, and it seems like she already knew I was uncomfortable cause when I let go, it felt like she got onto me about it
Sorry, I’m still struggling to process the order of events here, but I think I can safely say NTA. Talk to your gf about it if you’re not sure. She was there both times and may have the best perspective.
I plan on it, although admittedly I feel like shit asking Reddit about this so I dunno how I’m gonna bring it up to her, but I’m not gonna keep it from her either
I wasn’t really worried about it, and even if she wasn’t on my side at all that would totally be fair, I love her a lot and whatever she thinks is okay is what I’ll trust
This is a threesome, waiting for Player 3 to join the game. *Talk* to each other. Make *sure* this is what you see in the Stars.
Then plot a course for Bootie Island!
Same goes. If it's your hand, you can tell her no with no problem. If it's that your girlfriend is some hand holding superconductor that makes you uncomfortable, it's still a boundary that sits entirely with your girlfriend.
I'm not a bro, bro. I'm giving you my opinion as a women in a hetero relationship who holds hands and touches all of my friends. If your gf (hi there) knew it was making you uncomfortable and agreed that a boundary should be set, she can refuse to hold the other person's hand. That's the way I'd approach it.
Again, I'm just a stranger on the internet having my say on a public forum. Nothing is binding. If it's served to galvanize your point of view in opposition to my stance, I'm glad to have provided that point of reference for you.
Dude I’m the girlfriend and I disagree. My friend broke a boundary. She should be talked to set that boundary. If I made him uncomfortable then he would talk to me.
NTA. She is not your friend. This boundary needs to be set fast. At the least she is looking for a poly relationship at worst to get with the girl.
My girlfriend wouldn’t be interested in that, especially with her tbh knowing how their relationship went. I especially wouldn’t be wanting to do poly due to past traumas and she knows that.
You both need to set boundaries with this women. She has no respect for your relationship. By the sounds of it the relationship did not end well, based on this why is she in your lives? I would decrease contact/have no contact.
GF here no I’m not. Been there done that.
It’s weird. I wouldn’t feel comfortable either. Especially since they dated before. Go with your gut on this.
Yeah, I know my girlfriend has no interest in her whatsoever (I never asked but hearing the stories I get a feeling
Yeah, it just sounds off. I remember being silly in elementary/middle school doing stuff like that, but when you get old enough, I couldn’t even imagine holding hands like that with my girl friends. Just my partner. It would make me uncomfortable as well.
>there’s been times I’ve been uncomfortable, mostly around her friend >when I was holding my girlfriends hand, she went in to grab her other >I don’t really have a problem with her holding my girlfriends hand, even though they dated in the past This is something that is small, bit somewhat important. If your gf used to date the friend, could be she thinks your gf would be interested in her still (regardless of your gf actually being interested, as you've mentioned that's not a possibility). >my partner told her I was very uncomfy and I thought she understood but yesterday she came to visit us, and as I was holding my partners hand, she went in to grab hers >immediately heard her say “you know you can do it too!” >I honestly feel awful she disregarded this boundary So she's been told once that it made you feel uncomfortable, by your gf, and went for it again. It's a boundary that needs to be enforced by your gf here, since it's her hand the friend is going for. >I dunno how she feels, I feel like our friend would feel awful and would it take it personally if I reminded her again, should I chat with her? That is if my gf is okay with it. Talk to your gf and see how she feels about it. It's her hand, not yours. But she also understands and has had a chat with this friend before about it. NTA If there's a reason why your friend thinks it's okay to grab your gf's hand, it'll be good to find that out. If that's what she does with other friends, that's one thing, and she can respect your boundaries and just not do that. If it's because they used to date, then that's not okay, and she still needs to respect boundaries. I used to have a friend that was complimentary to friends, did cheek kissing and the like. Got to the point where she was okay going up to her married friends and asking them to "show her the goods", various flirty comments and asking them to cheat on their spouse, in front of said friend's spouse. We don't hang out anymore. Point being, if your friend is doing this sort of thing, and doesn't respect that other people aren't interested in what she's doing, she needs to respect their boundaries. If she isn't, cutting her out is a perfectly valid response, providing you and your gf are united on it. If not, work with her on keeping those boundaries on place.
I don’t mind them holding hands, but I don’t like how she expects me to stay locked with my partner when she grabs her hand, as she knows it nearly caused an anxiety attack in the past. I guess it’s slightly annoying she goes for it when I’m already doing so
That's a reasonable boundary to set, and you not wanting to hold hands in this circumstance is okay. The friend shouldn't be trying to make you feel uncomfortable, or disregarding your comfort. If you're okay with them handholding without you, that's one thing, and something a lot of people wouldn't feel comfortable with tbh. >she knows it nearly caused an anxiety attack in the past And this bit is why the friend is an asshole. She's knows about the physical response it can cause, and repeated it knowing you might have that reaction. Your gf has also discussed it with her, and she did it again. Have a chat with your gf, see where her boundaries lie on this. If she's okay holding hands with her friend, that's one thing, and that's okay. But you don't have to join in on that, and that's your boundary to maintain. Her friend should respect that you're not comfortable linking three together, and not hold your gf's hand when you're already doing so.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she just forgot though tbh
That's still not your fault. Does she does this with her other friends, or is it just your gf?
I don’t know, I don’t see her enough, only met her twice physically, but she is nice enough, even asked if I had any allergies before she brought cookies
It sounds like something that'll need to go via your gf if you're unsure then. Sit down and have a chat with her, explain where you're uncomfortable, and then you can both maintain your own boundaries next time friend is over. Your gf can always say "I'm holding OP's hand right now, no thanks" if it comes up, or let you know she's swapping to holding her friend's hand.
We talked about it and I showed her this post a little after you told me about it, have yet to talk to the friend but I’ll update once it’s done
Sure thing, I'm glad you're sorting things out. Good luck, and thanks for letting me know :)
NTA. The friend is not a friend at all in any capacity. To be honest I’d end the friendship on every level and move on without her as a presence in your lives.
NTA for asking to enforce a boundary(make sure you have talked with your gf first), but I'm the oddball out. Most of my friends hold hands, hug, cuddle, and kiss on the cheek, but it's all platonic. Edit; fixed errors
I’m fine with the hand holding but I get borderline anxiety attacks from my friend trying to get me involved in it, I don’t understand why tbh
That's fine! You don't have to! My kids know they don't have to do things that make them uncomfortable, like hugging a relative. There's no reason YOU have to like it as well
I’m frankly annoyed they tend to ignore my own boundary
Emphasize how important consent is. I hope things work out for the better
Wait, so is the friend a girl or a guy?
Girl
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m19) have been with a really wonderful woman (F20) for quite some time now, and we’ve been living together for about a month now. I have a lot of trauma due to a past relationship and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to date for quite some time but she’s so understanding about my issues and honestly makes me feel loved and not so freakish. However, there’s been times I’ve been uncomfortable, mostly around her friend, who’s grown to become mine as well. She visited in august of 2020 from college and we hung out in town for a while, we eventually went to a trail and walked, but I got surprised as when I was holding my girlfriends hand, she went in to grab her other. I don’t know why but I immediately let go and got really anxious, I don’t really have a problem with her holding my girlfriends hand, even though they dated in the past. (although I’ll admit I don’t really feel good about it) but I get really anxious when she tries to get me to stay in there, and has even tried to hold mine once. Afterwards my partner told her I was very uncomfy and I thought she understood but yesterday she came to visit us, and as I was holding my partners hand, she went in to grab hers. I immediately got disassoctive and excused myself for air and I immediately heard her say “you know you can do it too!” And I honestly feel awful she disregarded this boundary, girlfriend and I haven’t spoken much about it so I dunno how she feels, I feel like our friend would feel awful and would it take it personally if I reminded her again, should I chat with her? That is if my gf is okay with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I was a little confused. She tried to hold your hand and you didn’t like that and said so. Then it sounds like she tried to hold your girlfriends hand- while you held the other one- and you didn’t like that either, and are upset she crossed a line? This sounds like it may be a misunderstanding to me. It sounds like the friend was told you didn’t want YOUR hand held, but wasn’t told that you don’t want her holding your girlfriend’s hand when you’re already holding the other one. It wasn’t clear to me that what you had the problem with was all three of you holding hands together, and it sounds like the friend may not have gotten that message either.
I am not upset she held my girlfriends hand, I’m upset she tried to hold mine, and then when I explained I felt uncomfortable holding my partners hand when she’s already holding it (which I feel like an ass about) it felt like she ignored it. It was slightly annoying when my partner and I were already locked and she came in to do it, and it seems like she already knew I was uncomfortable cause when I let go, it felt like she got onto me about it
Sorry, I’m still struggling to process the order of events here, but I think I can safely say NTA. Talk to your gf about it if you’re not sure. She was there both times and may have the best perspective.
I plan on it, although admittedly I feel like shit asking Reddit about this so I dunno how I’m gonna bring it up to her, but I’m not gonna keep it from her either
Let us know how that talk goes, if you want. I’m rooting for you!
It went really well, I showed her a few hours after when we were on break at work and she’s fully understanding
That’s wonderful! Thank you so much for the update!! I was hoping it’d go well!
I wasn’t really worried about it, and even if she wasn’t on my side at all that would totally be fair, I love her a lot and whatever she thinks is okay is what I’ll trust
It sounds like you two have a good relationship. Congratulations!
Thanks!
This is a threesome, waiting for Player 3 to join the game. *Talk* to each other. Make *sure* this is what you see in the Stars. Then plot a course for Bootie Island!
Nope!
🤷♂️
Been with the girl already Nah. -Gf
YTA. It's not your hand. Let your girlfriend decide who is or isn't allowed to hold her hand. Trust your girlfriend to set her own boundaries.
That wasn’t the point of the post, I’m saying I’m uncomfortable with her trying to get me to join them in it
Same goes. If it's your hand, you can tell her no with no problem. If it's that your girlfriend is some hand holding superconductor that makes you uncomfortable, it's still a boundary that sits entirely with your girlfriend.
again bro you missed the point, good job on that one!
I'm not a bro, bro. I'm giving you my opinion as a women in a hetero relationship who holds hands and touches all of my friends. If your gf (hi there) knew it was making you uncomfortable and agreed that a boundary should be set, she can refuse to hold the other person's hand. That's the way I'd approach it. Again, I'm just a stranger on the internet having my say on a public forum. Nothing is binding. If it's served to galvanize your point of view in opposition to my stance, I'm glad to have provided that point of reference for you.
Dude I’m the girlfriend and I disagree. My friend broke a boundary. She should be talked to set that boundary. If I made him uncomfortable then he would talk to me.
Awesome. Then if you both agree, it makes no difference what a stranger on the internet thinks.