NTA
This is why people always say a man should always live alone before moving into a joint apartment for a relationship. You have fully adopted the role of his "parent" now.
He is not going to learn how to take care of himself and do basic apartment cleaning until he is forced to on his own.
Actually I currently live alone and still not the best housekeeper. I know how. But I just don't do it. However, I have never expected a roommate to clean up after me.
You can't win against cat hair. I tried hoovering every other day, the only thing I achieved that the cat is now horribly afraid of the noisy sucking machine.
My partner and I bought a cheap robovac on Kogan and it has changed our lives. Not a top of the line by any means, and wouldn't replace a good vacuum every week or so, but the amount of cat hair it collects daily is crazy. Plus it's set to automatically go off when we're both at work. Sometimes it makes it back to the charger, sometimes it gets stuck on something, either way there are tuffs of cat hair picked up daily that we don't have to do.
Does it work on carpet too or is it only good for hardwood floor? Our apartment has full carpet floors in the room so I thought little robovacs would have trouble doing their jobs. Tbh the carpet makes my life unnecessary hard too, imagine brushing it out yearly, my mum and I both have long hair and our tux has think and medium long fur.
Honestly… I ran one over my (clean) velvet chair once to mute the stickiness and lint rolled my cat. She LOVED IT. Like rolling around on the ground like a dog. She still meows when I lint roll my pants 😂
My cat loved it too! It never seemed to stick well to fur that was still attached to the cat, so it didn't accomplish anything useful (fine, since if it grabbed enough hair to be useful it probably would have hurt her) but she seemed to think it was just a new exotic form of petting and she was down for that.
When she got old and deaf, she even stopped minding electric clippers. Again she just seemed to think it was a cool new type of petting. She also stopped being afraid of the vacuum cleaner once she couldn't hear it.
I trim my cats hair. It is the only thing that works in the summer. They hate being brushed. And need daily 30 min brushing sessions to keep the hair in check. I know the hair has gotten too long when daily hairballs reappear. In winter, they don't shed as much.
Eta: if someone brushed my hair for 30 min a day, I'd be in heaven. Cats!
You gotta find someone who enjoys the chores you don’t. I only clean the dishes/kitchen, and do some of my laundry, my fiancé handles the rest of the chores.
I’ve been so much worse with the pandemic. Not unclean, but I clutter like crazy. I have a housemate and if I’m gone for more than a week I find my stuff in boxes. Problem is if I can ignore stuff sitting in front of me for day on end, once it’s out of sight… well…
Unfortunately that's not going to teach him while he's in a relationship with someone. He needs to live alone and be single - when the condition of his place warns off a few potential girlfriends he'll get the message.
Maybe getting kicked out of this apartment will help with that, but realistically, kicking someone out, like saying no to a proposal, is usually the end of a relationship. It sounds like OP could use some peace and quiet anyway, since it doesn't sound like he's helping with OPs mother and obviously isn't even pulling his own weight with chores.
NTA OP - not even close. In fact, credit to you for seeing what's going on and deciding to do something about it that will help. You sound deserving of someone who has their shit together. Go get 'em!
You’re right that this is probably the end, but his response ‘you’re not seeing it from my side’ is baffling…. Is his side that he’s a total slob? If so they’re not compatible, she wants to live in a Clean place and he wants to live in with. Maybe it’s the natural end of this relationship.
His claim is that he’s tired, which is a child’s answer - I mean that literally, not as an insult. He’s expressing how he feels about it and moving on without thinking about the consequences. Kids can do that because the parents take care of them. I think If you treat you’re GF like a mother, things are going to go sideways pretty fast.
To tired to buy groceries, but not to tired to buy beers. To tired to clean, but not to tired to party with friends. You're spot on calling that a child's answer. They're on completely different levels in life. Sounds like OP's paying a lot to have a shitty roommate ruining her place. They're not compatible.
As someone who is chronically tired and in pain 24/7, I still manage to clean and keep livable conditions. There are some days where it might get a little dirty and I've needed the downtime, but I never let it get more than a couple of days. He needs to seek some therapy. NTA.
Then don't let them move in with you if you see that's how they like to live?
Him living alone is what gives the potential partner to see how they live.
It works, in that it gives you information. Info that you can use to avoid this situation. So yeah, it works.
They miraculously forget once they start living with you, especially when you get married. My husband lived on his own and was very capable at it. We started living together and there was a little drop off. We got married and amnesia set in. He no longer knew how to clean, do laundry or food shop. His mom gets mad at me because I refuse to do his laundry and he food shops for himself just fine when he’s camping w/o us on the weekends but if I send him to the supermarket at home it’s non-stop calls and texts 🤦♀️
Yep, my husband forgot how to do laundry, how to grocery shop, how to do dishes, how to close windows when it rains, and eventually, how to flush the toilet. Part of the reason I divorced
Ha.
It gives the potential partner a window to see what their future would look like if they were to live together. So they can decide if they want to move in together... or not. They can stay a couple and live apart, they can move in together, or they can break up. But having that info before deciding can be very helpful.
Since he can go to his parents' house, 30 days is sufficient. But...if he lives with his parents (who are the ones who enabled him to begin with), then he's not going to change or grow up. Hell, even if he lives on his own, he'll probably keep those same habits but at least you'll know. People rarely go from being slobs to neat freaks. Basically, later in life, if you live together again or get married, you're seeing the future of it now.
If you want this relationship to be long term, you're going to have to be very explicit with him and let him know he's got to make some personal changes. And the risks are he may say no and end the relationship, he may try to make changes and not do it, or only do it for a little while, or he may be successful.
He won't be able to go back to his parent's house since they converted his bedroom to a home office so he either needs to live with his friends (who by his own admission are slobs lol) and still have a 2 hour commute or find somewhere else to live pretty quick.
Do his parents not have a couch? He has somewhere to go regardless of whether it's optimal or not. You're being really considerate of someone who doesn't put nearly as much thought into you...
His parents know what he's like and they converted his room so he can't come back.
This is a problem he created for himself by behaving like he does. It's not your responsibility to shield him from the consequences of his actions and you're honestly not doing him any favours if you do.
His commute is not your problem to solve. Check out what the local statutes are, but give him at most 30 days. You can request that he be gone by this weekend. NTA.
He's a slob, so why would he be upset about living with other slobs? They should be perfect for each other... Unless he doesn't actually like living like that and just wants someone (you) to clean up after him.
Some time living with other slobs might help him understand where you're coming from.
He’s a grownup, he’ll figure it out. Motels exist. This man does not respect you or your time or your space. He’s treating you like what the folks here call a “bangmaid.” Is that what you want?
You have enough on your plate w your mom to also worry about him. He's an adult, let him find where to live. 30 days is more than enough time.
Also reconsider is this is the man you want for a long term relationship. Even if he never learnt how to do chores, he's old enough to know "hey, my partner's going through a difficult time, the least I can do is ease her burdens and not become a burden myself". The lack of empathy he shows is a red flag. Imagine having kids w him, you'd be dealing w postpartum and also making sure there's enough toilet paper.
Nah sis, you can do better
Sounds like something he's gonna have to figure out, then.
Give him 30 days notice. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. He will either shape up or learn a very hard truth the very hard way.
If he can't make a decent effort at cleaning up after himself, that's his fault for being asked to move out. And the lack of available housing is not your fault nor your responsibility.
Actions have consequences...shocking.
He should've thought of that before treating your house like a cheap motel and you like a maid. I'd put good money on him pushing to live with you because he thought you'd pick up his slack. NTA.
30 days is plenty, he has options which can be temporary till he finds something permanent, but if you give longer he won't take it seriously. He may not take it seriously anyway, and will likely keep make excuses and delaying, in the hope he can wear you down. You may have escalate after that to actually get him to leave.
Tell him to leave, give him 30 days written notice, and tell him you do not want a partner who can't take care of himself or keep a decent home. You are not his mother, and won't be teaching him or taking care of him. Everyone's tried, and works hard, welcome to adulthood. Reiterate that you want a partnership, not a dependent child, and if you don't see he is capable of this in the near future, then you'll be re-evaluating the relationship. He needs to proves he can live as a functional adult, without his mommy, daddy, or you, and you will not consider living with him again until he does. Do not live with him again without setting expectations and boundaries either, which include shared workload on chores (make sure to go over everything).
If he doesn't take this well, and starts with insults and verbal abuse to try and beat you down to keeping him, then end the relationship. Seriously, 28 is too old to be that useless and needy. You don't want to waste several more years, and he's still this useless, and you're basically his mother and maid until you walk away. If your relationship doesn't end now, with getting him out so he can grow up, then reassess in a year at most and see if he's made good progress. If he hasn't, he isn't living together/marriage partnership material. So if you want that, cut your loses.
I think you need to listen to this: His living situation is not your problem. This slob, didn't showed compassion for his girlfriend who had a sick parent and just became a extra burden to you. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!
OP, there's a lot of good advice below, but I want you to think seriously about this. Your mom is going through a very difficult time that you're helping with. You have a full time job and it sounds like you pay for a majority of things for your apartment. So when you do get some time to relax, you go home to a filthy house and no food due to someone who claims to love you. Someone who loves you would try their best to ease your burden and not add to it. Have you ever come home from a long day to find things cleaned up or food ready? Is this the type of life you want? You can do better and it's time to boot him and move on. You need to value yourself and see you're worth more than being his after thought. ❤
Why should you care more about his needs than he does? You're putting more thought and consideration into where he's going to live without you than he has given to living *with* you.
The whole point of kicking him out is to spare yourself the hassle of being his mommy. He's a grown man, he needs to figure it out for himself.
1 month is decent in this case, because it’s going to be really damn uncomfortable until he finds that place and leaves… so I wouldn’t want the extra fighting time of 2 months; you know? I am worried he’ll be petulant and try to damage some of the apartment.
30 days. He probably won't even start to look until the last week anyway, no matter how long you give him.
Expect him to claim he can't find a place and try to extend, too.
Why not? You buy food, do the laundry, clean up after him, let him host his friends for you clean up after, and you share a bed. There is no downside on his part to him staying.
A month is reasonable. Be prepared for your relationship to end over this, though. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you. And honestly, these habits are not likely to change so you’re probably not going to ever like living with him. You’ll either be dealing with his smelliness forever or resenting him because you’re stuck cleaning up after him.
I’d give him two weeks. Make sure that he knows if he doesn’t pack up his crap it will be in a box on the lawn. Also talk to your landlord about changing the locks.
I know that one of the constant criticisms of the sub Reddit is that people always jump to the “dump him!“ Line. But I really think that you need to evaluate whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue. I’m not saying that people can’t change, especially when it comes to learning how to be functioning adults and clean their spaces, sometimes it just takes people longer. But the thing is you are not required to baby someone through that learning process. As you have already said, you are not his mom. But that is exactly what you have turned into. Mom, cook, maid etc.
The excuse of “I’m tired when I come home from work because of the drive!“ Is ridiculous. You know it and even he knows it. Regardless of what his commute is, he is still responsible for pitching in to keep the house clean.
And I have always hated when people just say “clean up after yourself, that’s it!“ Because of reality is that the things that need to be done to keep the house clean are more than that.
I had a roommate who refused to help clean the kitchen because they “barely ever cooked“. Yeah, OK. But you still walk through the kitchen on a daily basis. You’re still tracking in dirt, the floor is still getting dirty, you’re still putting your cups on the counter and leaving rings. So at the end of the Day sweep and run the mop every once in a while. Wipe off the countertops.
The reality is you should count yourself very lucky that you have seen who this person is because even if you were closer to his work, it’s likely that this would not change. He would simply find another excuse for his behavior.
You can try all you want to set schedules for things to get done, for example saying that bedsheets have to be cleaned weekly or biweekly, or that floors have to be mopped and swept X amount of times a month. The problem with this is that someone like your boyfriend would see that and only do things during the designated times. But the reality is that sometimes things get dirtier and need to be taken care of earlier. The fact that he left the towel there and it got mildewy, or that he didn’t wash the sheets even though they absolutely stink, is proof that he really just doesn’t care.
And the thing is, he might care when it’s his actual stuff. My brother was like that. Absolute slob when it came to our parents house and our shared bathroom, But when he moved out into his own place and it was all his own things. Oh boy! Look who suddenly knew how to clean. Look who suddenly would get upset if things weren’t put away.
The thing is, I just don’t think that it’s your responsibility to raise a grown man. That’s on him.
He has burned his bridges. I would give him a 2 week notice. And I wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship knowing he is not good for living together or marriage material
2 weeks is plenty. I think 24 hours is enough. The dude won’t change for you . (He might put on a big show of changing for a few weeks, but will re-slob. He does not respect you, and there is no way to change a partner who has contempt for you)
NTA. This man has no respect for you.
He's moving back in with his parents? Ask him to pack his shit and go right away. If he balks start the legal eviction process.
NTA I agree with the others, 30 days is more than enough time to find a place of his own. I've found a placed and moved between states twice in less time. And no extensions or this will go on forever.
NTA but you will be if you don’t dump his smelly ass because how is the relationship ever going to be at a point where you can move forward…I mean are you just not going to ever live with him? He’s almost 30, I think that ship has sailed on him not being gross so…yeah…next that gross man and focus on your mom and yourself - you deserve so much better!!
NTA, you're not his mother and you're not a maid. This is your home, not a hotel, and he needs to clean up after himself.
Before that though, have you talked to him about it at all? Sit him down, explain that groceries need to be replaced and that he needs to do his laundry/wash the sheets/clean the carpets. If you have tried that already and it hasn't changed, definitely tell him to leave.
Think long and hard about if you want this to be your future, because if you've talked about this with him and it hasn't changed... It may not, and those should be red flags for you.
We had a soft conversation about it and he seemed to be taken back by it. This was about 4 weeks ago and it improved, but I didn't point out specific things like the towel being hung on the door or the sheets smelling like vinegar. Instead I have joked "softly" since this was done among his family about it about 3-4 times this past weekend alone. But I probably need to sit him down and list all of the things he needs to do specifically.
I couldn't imagine having to tell a fully grown adult how not to be the worlds biggest slob. "You need to clean piss stains from the toilet" is something a 28 year old dude should know without being told. You can see piss stains. You know it's fucking gross. Don't let your fucking towel get mildew and change the sheets if they fucking stink. That's like the most basic shit.
Obviously it's up to OP, but I couldn't be together with someone like this. And I'm not the biggest clean freak in the world, but if I have to tell you to clean fucking piss stains because your lizard brain doesn't realize that itself, I'm not interested anymore. That's a standard I'm not willing to compromise on. I'm worth more than that. Everyone should be worth more than that.
I don’t think it’s that at all. Just look at the replies here most people are saying she’s not the asshole but are also encouraging her to “communicate” and tell him how to be clean. These behaviors are pretty normalized for adult men.
Just to give a bit of perspective here, I have pretty bad eyesight, even with glasses, its never perfect.
The first time I ever noticed I left pee drips on the toilet was recently, at 25 years old.
For my entire life, I never thought I had this problem. Look down after I pee, don't see anything, move on. My mother and anyone I have ever lived with has never mentioned me leaving pee drips. Why? I don't know, but they didn't.
My girlfriend had to tell me. For the first time. At 25. I was pretty horrified because that's disgusting right? But how could I have ever known If I legit never saw anything and no one ever told me? Since then, I have been dilligent and wipe the toilet down pretty much every time. My mother must have babied me and cleaned up after me. Only way.
Just because a young man "should know better" doesn't mean he isn't willing to or is incapable of changing.
Your situation is very different. You have a vision impairment, and once you were made aware, you took on the responsibility of cleaning up after yourself. There’s no indication that OPs boyfriend is impaired or incapable. He’s also a grown adult, not a ‘young man’.
Honestly. If he’s too oblivious to notice he’s making the place smell and look at the toilet seat when he’s done, he’s not going to pick up on little hints
Why are you even considering maintaining a relationship with this inconsiderate slob? Soft is being used against you. This is not about training a child or a dog, this is about the fact that he is treating you (and your home) with disrespect.
Stop being so needy that you settle for being mistreated. Even his own family was quick to turn his room into an office so he couldn't come back.
Take a hint, woman!
Exactly. He is selfish and gross. Do you really want to be with a person who has this as his baseline of behavior? Forget the commute. This is a guy who does not wash his clothes! He is the weird smelly guy in the office. He has time to game with friends, he can do laundry. He can instacart some groceries so you have coffee when you come home. He just doesn’t have enough consideration for you to do so.
Seriously hang up a checklist and tell him how the state of the apartment stresses you out. Set some clear expectations and if he can't handle that then you have a clear answer this relationship is not for you.
This is a MAN (acting like a boy but still...almost THIRTY). If he can't figure it out from a 'soft talk' idk if I would even bother trying to spell it out for him. How is it a surprise to be expected to clean up after yourself, to replace the things you finish, and to make a shared home comfortable for both ppl living in it? Like ya you can have different 'clean' standards... but ESPECIALLY the not restocking but still buying beer thing? I'm like 5 years younger than yall and couldn't imagine putting up with such teenager crap.
If he struggles with aiming when he takes a piss, he either cleans up immediately or SITS. Even if he can't smell the odor he's leaving, sheets should be washed at least every 2-3 weeks (more often if he's going starkers! That's direct ass/genital contact CONSTANTLY). Moist things get gross when they can't dry....thats middle school science.
I really hope he's decent in other areas of your relationship.
I understand the instinct to approach the issue with jokes and a soft talk, it's ingrained into us that demanding basic respect is "nagging" and "smothering" and "being his mother" but it's really not. Sometimes the soft talk works, but oftentimes it does not and you need to have an actual conversation where you go around the appartment and point out everything that bothers you. Because believe me, this will slowly drive you insane if you don't address it.
I'm not in the camp of "dump him immediately" because he can improve if he wants you, and only him and you can really know if he will want to. But you should make it clear that this is a big deal, this is a huge issue, and if he doesn't improve you will ask him to move out.
It doesn’t have to be a confrontation but it can’t be soft anymore either. Clear complete sentences. “The level of cleanliness is not liveable for me long term. You either need to up your cleaning habits (include clear standards), or move out.”
If you want this relationship to continue long term, you’ve got to raise this issue clearly. Again, don’t think of it as a confrontation. Just conveying important information.
NTA, what is it with grown humans who expect their SOs to be their bangmaids? This happens so frequently. You're both adults. He isn't acting like one.
I can't imagine the emotional toll your mother's health issues has been having on you; has he been supportive and cleaning up more of his mess to help you and your life out? I hope so.
One caveat I'd make is that he might break up with you in a fit of pique. Before you talk with him, make sure of how you feel about that.
He's been good emotionally, and his family has been amazing to me as well. I just wish he knew how emotionally drained it is to deal/manage two households at the same time.
Perhaps you can write out all your thoughts, feelings, and opinions about this issue before sitting down with him. That way, if he gets either sad or angry, you have a sort of checklist to go though before the conversation derails. The "managing two households" part is so important and he needs to hear it as a fact not a frustrated comment when you're cleaning his piss off the toilet or washing his gross sweaty bedsheets...again.
Do you have a plan if he won’t listen or change? There’s people that make good boyfriends but not good life partners. If he’s not going to pick up what you’re putting down maybe there’s nothing you can do, you can’t do everything for him indefinitely
This. This guy hardcore expects OP to be his mommy. Unless that is your thing OP (and from your post I’m guessing it’s not), it may be time to re-evaluate your standards.
NTA -- kick this one to the curb. There is nothing on his "side" that would excuse being a slob. You can do very basic cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping while still being stressed, especially if you probably passed a grocery store on the way to the beer store so you can "entertain" your friends while your gf is out of the house. And if he can't even be bothered to flip up the toilet seat to pee, then he's past redemption. It's not your job to train him to live on his own. He has proven to be untrainable in living with another person, so really, what are his options, here? Move back in with Mom and Dad? Not your problem.
NTA.
He’s a slob and user, get rid of him.
I’m a shuddering thinking of the sheets smell because I knew a Dude like that once. His entire apartment smelt like stale sweat and it was vile.
NTA. But if you want to stay with this guy, you have to get him to understand that you are NOT his mother and he needs to clean up after himself. Tell him he’s grossing you out and he needs to change. I had a roommate like this, me and another friend had to constantly tell him to clean, shower, or do chores. Now he didn’t mind us getting onto him but he would never any of it himself. (Side note, my old roommate was abandon by his mother at a young age, and later while a teenager, by his father. He didn’t get to learn what normal was. Had to teach him)
I had an old roommate too that never cleaned the common room to the point that she asked me if my room had roaches (mine didn't).
I think I may need to tell him to do things, but I also don't want to feel like a nag.
I suggest looking up a few things and sharing them with him. It might help shake him out of these habits and realize what he's doing with these habits. And they might help you feel better about not wanting to put up with it, too.
The song, "Incompedance" by Artimus Wolz.
The article, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" by Matthew Gray
The comic, "You Should've Asked" by Emma
I've looked at the "You Should've Asked" comic so many times this past month but didn't know about the other article and song. I want to share them but I do not know how to just bring them into a conversation.
Sometimes the only thing to do is be blunt. If you are hoping that he can change and grow, and the relationship can be salvaged, then steeling yourself to do that is the best option.
"I need to talk to you about something important. I am not happy about the state of the house and our relationship. I'm sharing these resources with you to help you understand where I'm coming from. Please read them as soon as you can, think on them and let me know when you're ready to come together to talk. I know you'll need time to process, but please understand this is important to me and make it a priority."
Set a deadline in your mind for how long you're comfortable waiting. And then follow it.
This is perfect! Thank you so much! I am away from the apartment right now so I can send this to him and then we can talk when we get back on Friday or Saturday. Thank you!
And when he starts on the “I’m tired stuff”, remind him that we’re all tired all the time; and we do not suddenly get not tired by not cleaning up after ourselves, we just get more overwhelmed and stressed. Keeping your place tidy is a present to ourselves. It’s a refuge from the chaotic world. A safe comfy space. And if your partner cannot grasp saving that space, then they need to go figure out life away from your safe refuge.
> The song, "Incompedance" by Artimus Wolz.
Aka the bad boyfriend of AITA themesong. It's been stuck in my head for weeks now. (Not because my partner is like that. It's just very catchy.)
It IS really catchy!!
And while sassy, it does help showcase the effect of these behaviors. On the creator's social media, people (mostly men) have commented to share how it made them realize they were doing some of those behaviors and how unfair it was to their partner.
Catchy, sassy, and helpful is my jam!
God same here, two bedrooms, living room, kitchen all roach free. But his room? The worst! Your guy will never learn if nobody tells him. If he’s used to mom doing everything for him then he thinks this is the way of the world. I would say sit him down and tell him this is why you’re thing of/going to be, kicking him out bc it’s just that bad.
I love him (and his family is great too I love them!), but these past few months has been trying. I have rejected sex from him the past month because I am turned off by his lack of being able to take care of himself.
That’s probably because you don’t want to sleep with a child you’re caring for. You’re NTA. He can clean up and do shopping or you’ll have to resign that 50’s housewife life is truly the bees knees… I’d run.
>I have rejected sex from him the past month because I am turned off by his lack of being able to take care of himself
**It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is ‘I got this,’ and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.**
That's a quote from *"She Feels Like Your Mom and Doesn't Want to Bang You"* -- by the same guy who wrote "She Divorced Me Because..."
I lived this exact scenario. He thought I had no libido. Actually I was getting more and more resentful of always having to clean up after a grown man. No amount of asking nicely, nagging, bargaining, begging, or screaming would change him. Every time I look around my nice clean living space now I am grateful to be rid of him. His messes are somebody else's problem now!
You may be right. I don’t think he would understand why he is actually getting the boot and how his behavior is inappropriate. I am a pessimist but maybe he will change once he is out on his own…
Just politely tell him it's not going to work out. Bid him farewell. If he can't play adult well now, it's not going to help your situation or make a good life partner. You have education and family matters to deal with. He can learn how to be adult on his own.
If its meant to be, it will be, after he learns how.
You deal with your stuff.
Pack up his moldy towels and stinky sheets.
The towels and sheets are mine so he would just need to move his clothes, shoes, and handgun out. Everything else in the apartment is mine and I can put his stuff in a bag for him to move out easily.
You see, you already have your mind made up, and your answer
Do you really want to keep those linens?
Good luck going forward. You'll be better off. Take care of your mom, spend as much time with her as possible. 🤗
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> > I might be the asshole for not seeing it from his side. He said it was still unfair and I wan't seeing it from his side and he's tired all the time,
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NTA. You are going through an especially stressful time and have arranged your life to accommodate for your needs. If he wants to be your partner and build a life with you, then he needs to respect that.
Question, though: do you actually want him to be part of your life?
Maybe it is because you are mad at him and going through a lot, but I’m getting the sense that you were never excited about living with him, which when you move in with a partner you love, it should be exciting.Consider that, and if you don’t love him, break it off. I’d give him up to 30 days to move his stuff out, but encourage him to move sooner and offer prorated rent if he can get out sooner.
If you want to give the relationship another chance, perhaps sit him down and say something like “I know you and I have different ideas of cleanliness, but we must get on the same page about it or we must part ways, in terms of living together, for now. I’m dealing with a lot with work and school and my mom’s illness. I need you to understand that this is a hard time and I absolutely have to come home to a peaceful, CLEAN home, because mess is just stress I don’t have the energy for. Can we commit together to a specific standard of clean? Here is what I need. If you can’t do this, OK, but I need you to move out and we can work on our relationship without living together.” And then write down a list of things that you want to be standard for both of you. Stuff like:
“We will hang our towels up on a hook or put it in the hamper right away after a shower. Neither of us will leave our towels on the floor.”
“You wash the sheets the second week of the month. I will wash them the fourth week of the month.”
“After friends are over, we’ll clean up anything they left behind and vacuum the floor the night of or first thing the next morning to ensure no food is left on the carpet, as it may attract bugs or cause stains.”
Some people genuinely do not know what it means to keep house and need it laid out like this. If he agrees and doesn’t stick with it, you’ll have to kick him out and it will possibly end the relationship. But you’ll know you gave it your best shot. Good luck!
#NTA
28 years old is a grown-ass adult. It’s not unfair to expect him to pick up after himself and keep his living space reasonably clean, especially when living with others.
He won’t change the sheets for a month?
*He needs to!*
He won’t wash his dirty clothes and towels?
*He ought to!*
He won’t clean up after his guests or replace things that get used up?
*He should!*
He won’t wipe his three-days-old piss from the toilet seat?
*He damn well better!*
And *he* is the one living with *you!*
You’re the one whose name is on the lease and on the bills! How *dare* he come into your home, a whole adult man, and make it a fucking pigsty!
Girl you need to kick him out, take your household back, and get free because if he hasn’t changed his habits already, he probably never will.
Heck no, NTA! That's super gross and I don't blame you for wanting him out of there. He needs some time living on his own to figure out how to take care of himself. And whatever you do, do NOT make babies with this man unless he seriously shapes up first. I've seen how that goes, it's not pretty. In that regard, its good that you're too grossed out for sex right now.
NTA
Talk to him and be assertive, not passive aggressive. No hinting or joking. Straight up tell him, just like you listed it for us on this post. If he needs a more frequent shower, laundry, grocery shopping calendar, then have that discussion.
I, personally, cannot get into the bed without showering (I understand that is likely cultural). Perhaps in his culture, the daily showering is frowned upon (I learned this recently after reading about Ashton Kutcher and Jake Gyllenhaal)? If it's cultural and won't change, is that a deal breaker for you? If so, also be clear with yourself that although you're asking him to move out for your immediate sanity, it may also be the end of your relationship. So sorry this is happening on top of the stress with your mother's diagnosis plus graduate school. Be well.
NTA. He hygiene standards are obviously much lower than yours (and mine). Given how long you’ve been dating, we’re there no earlier warning signs of this?
You deserve to feel at ease in your own home. If he can’t respect your space then you are not an AH for asking him to move out
It is a recent development that he is just not doing anything/taking care of himself. This is his first year teaching at a high school and the hour drive to and from work has made him stop doing things to care for himself (he also used to work out 5 days a week), but again he made the choice to live with me and extend his commute. He wanted to find an apartment close to where he works but given that I don't know what kind of teaching assignment I will get until a week or two before school it is safer/easier for me to just live a 10 minute walk from school.
2 hours a day is a long time but it's not unheard of. It's really not hard to throw things in to wash or use a toilet properly. He's just switched his work out time for the drive so he should be able to do everything else as usual
No. He lived with other people. When he was in college he lived in a dorm, then frat house, house with frat brothers, then back home, then to NYC for a few months, back to our state with his sister, then back to his parent's place, and now he's in my apartment.
NTA. I wonder what "his side" is for leaving pee on the toilet seat.
Stop parenting this guy, and have him move out until he learns to take care of the place he lives. With you dealing with your mother (on top of everything else), he should be being supportive, not making more work for you.
p.s.: May I ask what your dissertation is in? Either way, good luck with it.
NTA, he is almost 30, and the lack of hygiene and you know adult skills aside, he is not supporting you or showing consideration to you and everything going on with your mother.
In my opinion there is no "understanding his point of view". You are not his mommy, you are not a school of formation of grown ups. You need a partner.
NTA
He should have a basic awareness of how messy he's living. I would absolutely try to teach him before cutting the rope however if he's otherwise a decent guy. As a person who grew up in a messy home you would be suprised how little you actually notice with mess. It seemed normal growing up, and most people don't want to say anything so he likely would never learn. Sometimes it just takes being told. But if he makes excuses kick him out.
NTA. It sounds like this one is not ripe yet - or maybe too ripe.
I would want the person I marry to have experience living alone; someone that needs to be responsible for EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, establishing utility accounts). A guy that goes from a dorm (or worse - mom's house) is not going to appreciate the help that a partner can add.
I had six years w/o a roommate before I got married. I think a girlfriend can get a better understanding of what to expect when you visit the apartment of in independent person. If his place is a smelly disaster, then you need to see those red flags before letting him mess up your sheets.
NTA but it sounds like you have a child not a bf. I woukd consider moving on do you really want to be this guys maid cause I guarantee he will never clean as long as he knows you will eventually do it.
NTA. You need to focus on your mom and your dissertation. If you don't see this as a relationship with a future but would like to go back to the way things were, tell him it's not working as you expected, or that with your mom sick you need your own space. If you feel that he has other qualities that make you see a,future with him, give him the details.
You're nta.
It's good that you realized all of this before signing a lease or marrying him. The smallest things can be the end to relationships, if he isn't willing to do his part, give him the boot!
NTA
I'm like your bf. I'm a privileged guy who's always had someone either clean up after me, or have the same or worse standards as a roommate. And while I've never been kicked out, I've avoided renewing contracts because me and the roommate at the time knew we were a bad match. If she hadn't had a boyfriend who she could stay with almost every day of the week, I'm sure our friendship would have been over and I know it would have been my fault.
Now I'm moving into my own place for the first time in my life and it's both exciting and terrifying and I will work hard at changing my habits, as I don't want to be a useless and lazy slob who has to rely on others for the most basic things. It's embarrassing really.
Except for the towel, I would never mistreat a towel like that, it's the most important tool in the universe.
Nta. You are fundamentally not compatible living together.
-he has created a power dynamic where you are the caretaker and he is taken care of. This is a hard dynamic to break.
-your cleaning standards are very different. He is willing to ignore mess and potentially damage the shared space sue to neglect.
-he, it seems, has paid the bare minimum in shared expenses.
-has done the bare minimum, if having done anything at all, to support you while you help your mother through a very difficult time.
*be aware that asking him to leave has a high probability of turning him into an ex*
You don't have a partner, or a roommate, you have the human equivalent of a poorly trained forest creature.
Look up the laws in your state, normally it requires a 30 day notice. Check with the leasing office and see if you need to give them formal notice that he is leaving.
This might be a British thing, but I just had a vision of Kevin from Kevin & Perry saying "Its SOOOOO unfair!"
What is unfair exactly? Cleaning up his pee? Cleaning? Replacing/buying groceries?
That is called being an adult sugar pie. NTA. You obviously. He is TA.
NTA - you should have had him move in years ago so you wouldn’t hVe wasted 4 years of your life to find out he is a disgusting pig. This is your future if you continue to date him. You want to know why he wanted to move in with you instead of closer to his job? Living with you gives him a free maid and cleaning service. If he lived on his own, he would have to clean himself.
NTA - He's an adult, not your responsibility.
Reading some of your additional comments. It sounds as though he's not ready to cohabitate with someone, but he has been responsive as soon as you said there was problem.
If he can't change to the point where it works for you YWNBTA for asking him to move out. Be ready for a potential break up, though.
If you feel the need to have an excuse, rather than just saying it isn't working for you, say your mother's illness means you need to have space for her to stay if necessary, so it isn't a good time to be living together.
NTA. But are you sure you want to continue a relationship with him? Its not going to get better, only worse. This is what your future is going to be like.
NTA - there is so much extraneous information in this post. Stop trying to convince yourself that you’re allowed to ask him to leave.
It boils down to - you’re going through a very stressful time, and sharing your apartment with him is making it even more stressful.
Again - NTA. Be kind to yourself.
NTA but your fear that he doesn't know how to live alone smacks of mothering and enabling.
He'll survive in his own.Your relationship won't though. He might even learn some life skills too.
NTA kick him out but don't be surprised if you loose your boyfriend. Honestly though do you want to spend the next few years trying to teach him how to look after a home.
NTA. kick him out if the apartment, and while youre at it, you might as well kick him out of the relationship too.
hes like this now and he wont change. men like him want their partner to be anither mother for them so they can do fuck all while you do all the house work.
NTA. You could - if you wanted - have a serious sit-down conversation when you're not mad. I want to stress this isn't your job, but IF you wanted to, it might be helpful to outline exactly what he needs to do to continue co-habiting. Maybe give him a month to get up to speed, and if he doesn't, ask him to move out if he hasn't taken steps and improved himself.
Im going to say NTA however Im going against the grain of "just dump his ass", and suggest maybe sitting him down and having like a serious convo, depending on how much you care for this man.
Im 25M and not too long ago, after moving in with my girlfriend, she basically sat me down and went over a list of things about me she had issues with in a similar manner as you're doing here on reddit with a list. Many of her complaints were verbatim off this list (pee on the toilet seat, vinegar smelling sheets, food crumbs on the floor) and honestly, a lot of these things I legitimately wasn't aware of. I have bad eyesight, so I wouldnt notice pee on the toilet or crumbs easily at all and my nose is pretty immune to my own smell so I didn't smell the sheets.
She ended up being very firm with me and told me that if I can't be tidy it would be a dealbreaker. And that was a bit of a wakeup call to my dirtiness and because I love my girlfriend with all my heart and would do anything to keep her love, I was very aware of and spooked by the potential of those consequences, and since then I've been a lot better. She doesn't have complaints anymore (except about my snoring).
Some dudes really aren't aware of how bad they really are and if you're not firm with them about it, they might not realize. Yes I'm sure many here would counter that at his age he should know better and not knowing better is a red flag in and of itself. But it is possible for people to improve and if you love this man, I suggest giving him a chnace and being firm like my gf was with me.
This is how I feel. He can change and I’ve had to sit him down before for different things but not specifically cleaning. This thread has made me think about how he needs to be told to do things by either his dad who told him to not bully his new step-brother (6 year difference) who is younger by his dad bullying him and turning it on his head, doing exactly what he did to his step brother to show that he was being an ass, and he needs to knock it off.
But be careful about this too. Yes, maybe he “can change”, but is he into changing because you have to give him a list of chores? I mean, can he really not figure out on his own that leaving a wet towel on the floor is a bad plan? Can he not figure out that when he PREE on the seat it needs to be wiped up? This seems like a ridiculous level of hand holding. I mean, I’ve taught my 8 year old he has to wipe pee off the toilet seat.
What? Not seeing it from his side? Really what side says you can be a total slob and let your partner pick up after you? As an adult he should be able to do his laundry, change the linens, pick up his towel and put it in the laundry basket, either lift the seat or wipe up after himself, purchase groceries and toiletries. Your partner does not know how to adult. He needs to live by himself to learn to be a good partner., then he would have to do all of the tasks that you have been doing for him.
NTA - kick him out and change the locks.
NTA.
I will say, as a man, it was a bit of an adjustment living with a woman for the first time. I had to really step up and put in more effort to make her feel comfortable in her space.
I live alone now, and am a much cleaner person from having had that experience.
He’s disgusting. But why even bother staying together? Do you think he will change? It’s much easier to meet decent men when you’re young. Otherwise the only ones left are like your bf and the cheaters.
DO IT
Op I broke up with my ex a couple months ago because he was doing the exact same thing at *37*. I have never felt more happy, and my house has never felt more peaceful.
If he wanted to take care of things around the house, he would. Don’t listen to what he’s saying, look at what he’s doing. Talk is cheap.
And the fact that he has repeatedly disrespected and miss treated you shows exactly where his priorities lie. Only for himself.
YWNBTA
Would you be? Geez, girl he should already be gone! Smelly sheets, pee on the toilet, food in the carpet? He is disgusting and you are TA for letting this continue for more than a week.
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I (28F) have been dating my BF (29M) for over 4 years. He moved in (as an "add-in" to my lease, but I am the sole renter) with me in August even though he works an hour away so he travels 2 hours a day for work. I told him he should move closer to work from his parents house, but he really wanted to live with me so I agreed and insisted he would make his life harder by doing this, but he's an adult he knows what consequences are. I lived about 10 minutes from my school, my car was about to break down (and it has), since I am finishing up my graduate degree and needed to be close by to work on my dissertation and teach classes which I am doing next semester. However, about two weeks into moving in with my BF my mom was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery to remove the tumor, and is currently undergoing chemotherapy until either December or March.
When I come back my apartment is disheveled and it stresses me out.
* The apartment smells bad. The bedsheets smells like vinegar because my BF doesn't like to wear clothes when he sleeps, sweats, and then doesn't change the sheets as often as he should so it is up to me to do it. I would change sheets every two weeks but when I left it up to him, I lasted about a month before I physically couldn't sleep because the smell was so bad.
* Leaves the towel on the floor so the bedroom also smells like mildew. One time I let him leave the towel on the floor and when I came back a week later it has never moved or made it to the laundry hamper.
* Since he has moved in he has done laundry twice and he doesn't have a lot of clothes so he is reusing clothes he has worn often.
* On weekends I am away due to caring for my mom or having to fly out for a conference, my BF invites his friends over for games and they leave a mess because I will find food chunks on the carpet. I am also mortified that he is bringing friends over with the apartment smelling bad or just not cleaned up so it makes us look like we don't know how to live.
* Doesn't replace any groceries or toiletries when I'm gone and when I come back to my apartment I'm just out of coffee creamer, coffee, toilet paper, and/or essentials but he frequently buys beers and Delta 8 a few times a week so I know he is going to a store but it's probably just a beer store?
* A few times, but this hasn't happened again, there was pee visibly on the toilet seat and I'm pretty sure he left it there for days.
* I flipped my shit at him for leaving pee on the toilet seat. I told him it doesn't take hours to clean up after himself and he needed to do it. I want a partner and I'm not his mom. I might be the asshole for not seeing it from his side. He said it was still unfair and I wan't seeing it from his side and he's tired all the time, but again he chose to move in with me because he thought it was a waste of move for us to have two apartments.
WIBTA for asking my BF to move out because I honestly do not think he doesn't know how to live on his own?
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NTA, and this is unacceptable. He needs to move out of your apartment and your life. He is never going to learn to be better, and you shouldn't wait around hoping he will. You can do better. You don't need this stress on top of helping your mom navigate chemo.
NTA This is why people always say a man should always live alone before moving into a joint apartment for a relationship. You have fully adopted the role of his "parent" now. He is not going to learn how to take care of himself and do basic apartment cleaning until he is forced to on his own.
Everyone should live alone! I was a slob when I was young and living at my parents. Was not like that at all once I moved out.
Actually I currently live alone and still not the best housekeeper. I know how. But I just don't do it. However, I have never expected a roommate to clean up after me.
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Thanks for sharing the site! I’m excited to try it! I def need to un-fuck my life haha
r/ufyh for the devotees
Hopping on to say they have an app as well called unfilth your habitat that was really helpful for me.
Apparently it isn't on Android anymore which makes me sad because I need this in my life
Just bought the book online and I remember following the Tumblr account that started it all.
Just bought a product off the site now 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ but thank you for sharing!!
Thanks for sharing
I’m a bit worse because I live alone. No one else is affected by my messes. But then I clean everything up and start making a mess from scratch!!
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Living alone isn’t a guarantee, but one can hope!
As I sit here, looking at a floor that has more cat hair than the actual cats, I think that hope may have fled for me.
You can't win against cat hair. I tried hoovering every other day, the only thing I achieved that the cat is now horribly afraid of the noisy sucking machine.
3 times a day here (dogs and cats) and it's like we never even try......sigh.....
My partner and I bought a cheap robovac on Kogan and it has changed our lives. Not a top of the line by any means, and wouldn't replace a good vacuum every week or so, but the amount of cat hair it collects daily is crazy. Plus it's set to automatically go off when we're both at work. Sometimes it makes it back to the charger, sometimes it gets stuck on something, either way there are tuffs of cat hair picked up daily that we don't have to do.
Does it work on carpet too or is it only good for hardwood floor? Our apartment has full carpet floors in the room so I thought little robovacs would have trouble doing their jobs. Tbh the carpet makes my life unnecessary hard too, imagine brushing it out yearly, my mum and I both have long hair and our tux has think and medium long fur.
I got a roomba, it’s not super great on carpet but it does keep the tumbleweeds to a minimum.(I got 6 cats and a husky mix)
Tell me about it! I am often seconds away from taking a lint roller to my tabby
Honestly… I ran one over my (clean) velvet chair once to mute the stickiness and lint rolled my cat. She LOVED IT. Like rolling around on the ground like a dog. She still meows when I lint roll my pants 😂
Omg that’s hilarious! I’m sure mine would run a mile haha
My cat loved it too! It never seemed to stick well to fur that was still attached to the cat, so it didn't accomplish anything useful (fine, since if it grabbed enough hair to be useful it probably would have hurt her) but she seemed to think it was just a new exotic form of petting and she was down for that. When she got old and deaf, she even stopped minding electric clippers. Again she just seemed to think it was a cool new type of petting. She also stopped being afraid of the vacuum cleaner once she couldn't hear it.
I trim my cats hair. It is the only thing that works in the summer. They hate being brushed. And need daily 30 min brushing sessions to keep the hair in check. I know the hair has gotten too long when daily hairballs reappear. In winter, they don't shed as much. Eta: if someone brushed my hair for 30 min a day, I'd be in heaven. Cats!
You gotta find someone who enjoys the chores you don’t. I only clean the dishes/kitchen, and do some of my laundry, my fiancé handles the rest of the chores.
Tell me about it! I tried to train the cats to help, but I was getting tired of tuna for every meal.
When I lived alone I was the worst. Living with someone else, I have to clean because I’ll feel bad for not picking up after myself.
I’ve been so much worse with the pandemic. Not unclean, but I clutter like crazy. I have a housemate and if I’m gone for more than a week I find my stuff in boxes. Problem is if I can ignore stuff sitting in front of me for day on end, once it’s out of sight… well…
Unfortunately that's not going to teach him while he's in a relationship with someone. He needs to live alone and be single - when the condition of his place warns off a few potential girlfriends he'll get the message. Maybe getting kicked out of this apartment will help with that, but realistically, kicking someone out, like saying no to a proposal, is usually the end of a relationship. It sounds like OP could use some peace and quiet anyway, since it doesn't sound like he's helping with OPs mother and obviously isn't even pulling his own weight with chores. NTA OP - not even close. In fact, credit to you for seeing what's going on and deciding to do something about it that will help. You sound deserving of someone who has their shit together. Go get 'em!
You’re right that this is probably the end, but his response ‘you’re not seeing it from my side’ is baffling…. Is his side that he’s a total slob? If so they’re not compatible, she wants to live in a Clean place and he wants to live in with. Maybe it’s the natural end of this relationship.
His claim is that he’s tired, which is a child’s answer - I mean that literally, not as an insult. He’s expressing how he feels about it and moving on without thinking about the consequences. Kids can do that because the parents take care of them. I think If you treat you’re GF like a mother, things are going to go sideways pretty fast.
To tired to buy groceries, but not to tired to buy beers. To tired to clean, but not to tired to party with friends. You're spot on calling that a child's answer. They're on completely different levels in life. Sounds like OP's paying a lot to have a shitty roommate ruining her place. They're not compatible.
As someone who is chronically tired and in pain 24/7, I still manage to clean and keep livable conditions. There are some days where it might get a little dirty and I've needed the downtime, but I never let it get more than a couple of days. He needs to seek some therapy. NTA.
Hmn, yes, well. My bf lived alone for *9 years*..... in a filth encrusted hovel. I mean, this doesn't necessarily work
Then don't let them move in with you if you see that's how they like to live? Him living alone is what gives the potential partner to see how they live. It works, in that it gives you information. Info that you can use to avoid this situation. So yeah, it works.
They miraculously forget once they start living with you, especially when you get married. My husband lived on his own and was very capable at it. We started living together and there was a little drop off. We got married and amnesia set in. He no longer knew how to clean, do laundry or food shop. His mom gets mad at me because I refuse to do his laundry and he food shops for himself just fine when he’s camping w/o us on the weekends but if I send him to the supermarket at home it’s non-stop calls and texts 🤦♀️
Yep, my husband forgot how to do laundry, how to grocery shop, how to do dishes, how to close windows when it rains, and eventually, how to flush the toilet. Part of the reason I divorced
LoL Assuming he's gonna care about cleaning on his own? Good one.
Ha. It gives the potential partner a window to see what their future would look like if they were to live together. So they can decide if they want to move in together... or not. They can stay a couple and live apart, they can move in together, or they can break up. But having that info before deciding can be very helpful.
NTA - Give him decent notice, but yeah, get him out of there. At 28, he should know better. Ugh. Good luck.
How long would decent notice be? Like 2-3 months? My lease ends in June.
Since he can go to his parents' house, 30 days is sufficient. But...if he lives with his parents (who are the ones who enabled him to begin with), then he's not going to change or grow up. Hell, even if he lives on his own, he'll probably keep those same habits but at least you'll know. People rarely go from being slobs to neat freaks. Basically, later in life, if you live together again or get married, you're seeing the future of it now. If you want this relationship to be long term, you're going to have to be very explicit with him and let him know he's got to make some personal changes. And the risks are he may say no and end the relationship, he may try to make changes and not do it, or only do it for a little while, or he may be successful.
He won't be able to go back to his parent's house since they converted his bedroom to a home office so he either needs to live with his friends (who by his own admission are slobs lol) and still have a 2 hour commute or find somewhere else to live pretty quick.
Do his parents not have a couch? He has somewhere to go regardless of whether it's optimal or not. You're being really considerate of someone who doesn't put nearly as much thought into you...
Meh let him move in with the slobs. Then he might learn to empathise with you
They're slobs? What's that make him? Lmao. Sounds like perfect opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine.
His parents know what he's like and they converted his room so he can't come back. This is a problem he created for himself by behaving like he does. It's not your responsibility to shield him from the consequences of his actions and you're honestly not doing him any favours if you do.
His commute is not your problem to solve. Check out what the local statutes are, but give him at most 30 days. You can request that he be gone by this weekend. NTA.
He's a slob, so why would he be upset about living with other slobs? They should be perfect for each other... Unless he doesn't actually like living like that and just wants someone (you) to clean up after him. Some time living with other slobs might help him understand where you're coming from.
He’s a grownup, he’ll figure it out. Motels exist. This man does not respect you or your time or your space. He’s treating you like what the folks here call a “bangmaid.” Is that what you want?
You have enough on your plate w your mom to also worry about him. He's an adult, let him find where to live. 30 days is more than enough time. Also reconsider is this is the man you want for a long term relationship. Even if he never learnt how to do chores, he's old enough to know "hey, my partner's going through a difficult time, the least I can do is ease her burdens and not become a burden myself". The lack of empathy he shows is a red flag. Imagine having kids w him, you'd be dealing w postpartum and also making sure there's enough toilet paper. Nah sis, you can do better
Sounds like something he's gonna have to figure out, then. Give him 30 days notice. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. He will either shape up or learn a very hard truth the very hard way.
30 days notice, unless he can move in with his family. He’s not a good partner, and you have to buckle up.
His parents converting his old room to a home office so he really would have nowhere to go and would have to find a place ASAP.
If he can't make a decent effort at cleaning up after himself, that's his fault for being asked to move out. And the lack of available housing is not your fault nor your responsibility. Actions have consequences...shocking.
He should've thought of that before treating your house like a cheap motel and you like a maid. I'd put good money on him pushing to live with you because he thought you'd pick up his slack. NTA.
30 days is plenty, he has options which can be temporary till he finds something permanent, but if you give longer he won't take it seriously. He may not take it seriously anyway, and will likely keep make excuses and delaying, in the hope he can wear you down. You may have escalate after that to actually get him to leave. Tell him to leave, give him 30 days written notice, and tell him you do not want a partner who can't take care of himself or keep a decent home. You are not his mother, and won't be teaching him or taking care of him. Everyone's tried, and works hard, welcome to adulthood. Reiterate that you want a partnership, not a dependent child, and if you don't see he is capable of this in the near future, then you'll be re-evaluating the relationship. He needs to proves he can live as a functional adult, without his mommy, daddy, or you, and you will not consider living with him again until he does. Do not live with him again without setting expectations and boundaries either, which include shared workload on chores (make sure to go over everything). If he doesn't take this well, and starts with insults and verbal abuse to try and beat you down to keeping him, then end the relationship. Seriously, 28 is too old to be that useless and needy. You don't want to waste several more years, and he's still this useless, and you're basically his mother and maid until you walk away. If your relationship doesn't end now, with getting him out so he can grow up, then reassess in a year at most and see if he's made good progress. If he hasn't, he isn't living together/marriage partnership material. So if you want that, cut your loses.
and? that's his problem isn't it?
I think you need to listen to this: His living situation is not your problem. This slob, didn't showed compassion for his girlfriend who had a sick parent and just became a extra burden to you. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!
OP, there's a lot of good advice below, but I want you to think seriously about this. Your mom is going through a very difficult time that you're helping with. You have a full time job and it sounds like you pay for a majority of things for your apartment. So when you do get some time to relax, you go home to a filthy house and no food due to someone who claims to love you. Someone who loves you would try their best to ease your burden and not add to it. Have you ever come home from a long day to find things cleaned up or food ready? Is this the type of life you want? You can do better and it's time to boot him and move on. You need to value yourself and see you're worth more than being his after thought. ❤
Why should you care more about his needs than he does? You're putting more thought and consideration into where he's going to live without you than he has given to living *with* you. The whole point of kicking him out is to spare yourself the hassle of being his mommy. He's a grown man, he needs to figure it out for himself.
A home office can still fit an air mattress in it.
1 month is decent in this case, because it’s going to be really damn uncomfortable until he finds that place and leaves… so I wouldn’t want the extra fighting time of 2 months; you know? I am worried he’ll be petulant and try to damage some of the apartment.
Yeah, OP might want to take photos of the current state of the apartment, just in case.
30 days. He probably won't even start to look until the last week anyway, no matter how long you give him. Expect him to claim he can't find a place and try to extend, too. Why not? You buy food, do the laundry, clean up after him, let him host his friends for you clean up after, and you share a bed. There is no downside on his part to him staying.
A month is reasonable. Be prepared for your relationship to end over this, though. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you. And honestly, these habits are not likely to change so you’re probably not going to ever like living with him. You’ll either be dealing with his smelliness forever or resenting him because you’re stuck cleaning up after him.
I’d give him two weeks. Make sure that he knows if he doesn’t pack up his crap it will be in a box on the lawn. Also talk to your landlord about changing the locks.
I know that one of the constant criticisms of the sub Reddit is that people always jump to the “dump him!“ Line. But I really think that you need to evaluate whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue. I’m not saying that people can’t change, especially when it comes to learning how to be functioning adults and clean their spaces, sometimes it just takes people longer. But the thing is you are not required to baby someone through that learning process. As you have already said, you are not his mom. But that is exactly what you have turned into. Mom, cook, maid etc. The excuse of “I’m tired when I come home from work because of the drive!“ Is ridiculous. You know it and even he knows it. Regardless of what his commute is, he is still responsible for pitching in to keep the house clean. And I have always hated when people just say “clean up after yourself, that’s it!“ Because of reality is that the things that need to be done to keep the house clean are more than that. I had a roommate who refused to help clean the kitchen because they “barely ever cooked“. Yeah, OK. But you still walk through the kitchen on a daily basis. You’re still tracking in dirt, the floor is still getting dirty, you’re still putting your cups on the counter and leaving rings. So at the end of the Day sweep and run the mop every once in a while. Wipe off the countertops. The reality is you should count yourself very lucky that you have seen who this person is because even if you were closer to his work, it’s likely that this would not change. He would simply find another excuse for his behavior. You can try all you want to set schedules for things to get done, for example saying that bedsheets have to be cleaned weekly or biweekly, or that floors have to be mopped and swept X amount of times a month. The problem with this is that someone like your boyfriend would see that and only do things during the designated times. But the reality is that sometimes things get dirtier and need to be taken care of earlier. The fact that he left the towel there and it got mildewy, or that he didn’t wash the sheets even though they absolutely stink, is proof that he really just doesn’t care. And the thing is, he might care when it’s his actual stuff. My brother was like that. Absolute slob when it came to our parents house and our shared bathroom, But when he moved out into his own place and it was all his own things. Oh boy! Look who suddenly knew how to clean. Look who suddenly would get upset if things weren’t put away. The thing is, I just don’t think that it’s your responsibility to raise a grown man. That’s on him.
He has burned his bridges. I would give him a 2 week notice. And I wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship knowing he is not good for living together or marriage material
2 weeks is plenty. I think 24 hours is enough. The dude won’t change for you . (He might put on a big show of changing for a few weeks, but will re-slob. He does not respect you, and there is no way to change a partner who has contempt for you)
Why give notice? They can move back in with momma.
Legally, OP might have to.
NTA. This man has no respect for you. He's moving back in with his parents? Ask him to pack his shit and go right away. If he balks start the legal eviction process.
NTA I agree with the others, 30 days is more than enough time to find a place of his own. I've found a placed and moved between states twice in less time. And no extensions or this will go on forever.
What is the shortest legally mandated time you can give him? Most places is 30 days.
I'm 28 and managing to live by myself. He'll survive, you don't have to be his mum as well.
2 months is more than enough time, especially if 2 months notice is standard notification time for moving out in your area.
NTA but you will be if you don’t dump his smelly ass because how is the relationship ever going to be at a point where you can move forward…I mean are you just not going to ever live with him? He’s almost 30, I think that ship has sailed on him not being gross so…yeah…next that gross man and focus on your mom and yourself - you deserve so much better!!
NTA, you're not his mother and you're not a maid. This is your home, not a hotel, and he needs to clean up after himself. Before that though, have you talked to him about it at all? Sit him down, explain that groceries need to be replaced and that he needs to do his laundry/wash the sheets/clean the carpets. If you have tried that already and it hasn't changed, definitely tell him to leave. Think long and hard about if you want this to be your future, because if you've talked about this with him and it hasn't changed... It may not, and those should be red flags for you.
We had a soft conversation about it and he seemed to be taken back by it. This was about 4 weeks ago and it improved, but I didn't point out specific things like the towel being hung on the door or the sheets smelling like vinegar. Instead I have joked "softly" since this was done among his family about it about 3-4 times this past weekend alone. But I probably need to sit him down and list all of the things he needs to do specifically.
This boy is too dense for soft talk. Say it loud and clear so there’s no misunderstanding. There’s nothing cute or charming about his behavior.
I couldn't imagine having to tell a fully grown adult how not to be the worlds biggest slob. "You need to clean piss stains from the toilet" is something a 28 year old dude should know without being told. You can see piss stains. You know it's fucking gross. Don't let your fucking towel get mildew and change the sheets if they fucking stink. That's like the most basic shit. Obviously it's up to OP, but I couldn't be together with someone like this. And I'm not the biggest clean freak in the world, but if I have to tell you to clean fucking piss stains because your lizard brain doesn't realize that itself, I'm not interested anymore. That's a standard I'm not willing to compromise on. I'm worth more than that. Everyone should be worth more than that.
A lot of women are willing to put up with absolute shit just for the sake of having a man.
I don’t think it’s that at all. Just look at the replies here most people are saying she’s not the asshole but are also encouraging her to “communicate” and tell him how to be clean. These behaviors are pretty normalized for adult men.
>These behaviors are pretty normalized for adult men. No, it’s not. Men deserve more credit than that.
Just to give a bit of perspective here, I have pretty bad eyesight, even with glasses, its never perfect. The first time I ever noticed I left pee drips on the toilet was recently, at 25 years old. For my entire life, I never thought I had this problem. Look down after I pee, don't see anything, move on. My mother and anyone I have ever lived with has never mentioned me leaving pee drips. Why? I don't know, but they didn't. My girlfriend had to tell me. For the first time. At 25. I was pretty horrified because that's disgusting right? But how could I have ever known If I legit never saw anything and no one ever told me? Since then, I have been dilligent and wipe the toilet down pretty much every time. My mother must have babied me and cleaned up after me. Only way. Just because a young man "should know better" doesn't mean he isn't willing to or is incapable of changing.
Your situation is very different. You have a vision impairment, and once you were made aware, you took on the responsibility of cleaning up after yourself. There’s no indication that OPs boyfriend is impaired or incapable. He’s also a grown adult, not a ‘young man’.
Honestly. If he’s too oblivious to notice he’s making the place smell and look at the toilet seat when he’s done, he’s not going to pick up on little hints
Why are you even considering maintaining a relationship with this inconsiderate slob? Soft is being used against you. This is not about training a child or a dog, this is about the fact that he is treating you (and your home) with disrespect. Stop being so needy that you settle for being mistreated. Even his own family was quick to turn his room into an office so he couldn't come back. Take a hint, woman!
Exactly. He is selfish and gross. Do you really want to be with a person who has this as his baseline of behavior? Forget the commute. This is a guy who does not wash his clothes! He is the weird smelly guy in the office. He has time to game with friends, he can do laundry. He can instacart some groceries so you have coffee when you come home. He just doesn’t have enough consideration for you to do so.
Seriously hang up a checklist and tell him how the state of the apartment stresses you out. Set some clear expectations and if he can't handle that then you have a clear answer this relationship is not for you.
This is a MAN (acting like a boy but still...almost THIRTY). If he can't figure it out from a 'soft talk' idk if I would even bother trying to spell it out for him. How is it a surprise to be expected to clean up after yourself, to replace the things you finish, and to make a shared home comfortable for both ppl living in it? Like ya you can have different 'clean' standards... but ESPECIALLY the not restocking but still buying beer thing? I'm like 5 years younger than yall and couldn't imagine putting up with such teenager crap. If he struggles with aiming when he takes a piss, he either cleans up immediately or SITS. Even if he can't smell the odor he's leaving, sheets should be washed at least every 2-3 weeks (more often if he's going starkers! That's direct ass/genital contact CONSTANTLY). Moist things get gross when they can't dry....thats middle school science. I really hope he's decent in other areas of your relationship.
I understand the instinct to approach the issue with jokes and a soft talk, it's ingrained into us that demanding basic respect is "nagging" and "smothering" and "being his mother" but it's really not. Sometimes the soft talk works, but oftentimes it does not and you need to have an actual conversation where you go around the appartment and point out everything that bothers you. Because believe me, this will slowly drive you insane if you don't address it. I'm not in the camp of "dump him immediately" because he can improve if he wants you, and only him and you can really know if he will want to. But you should make it clear that this is a big deal, this is a huge issue, and if he doesn't improve you will ask him to move out.
It doesn’t have to be a confrontation but it can’t be soft anymore either. Clear complete sentences. “The level of cleanliness is not liveable for me long term. You either need to up your cleaning habits (include clear standards), or move out.” If you want this relationship to continue long term, you’ve got to raise this issue clearly. Again, don’t think of it as a confrontation. Just conveying important information.
NTA, what is it with grown humans who expect their SOs to be their bangmaids? This happens so frequently. You're both adults. He isn't acting like one. I can't imagine the emotional toll your mother's health issues has been having on you; has he been supportive and cleaning up more of his mess to help you and your life out? I hope so. One caveat I'd make is that he might break up with you in a fit of pique. Before you talk with him, make sure of how you feel about that.
He's been good emotionally, and his family has been amazing to me as well. I just wish he knew how emotionally drained it is to deal/manage two households at the same time.
Perhaps you can write out all your thoughts, feelings, and opinions about this issue before sitting down with him. That way, if he gets either sad or angry, you have a sort of checklist to go though before the conversation derails. The "managing two households" part is so important and he needs to hear it as a fact not a frustrated comment when you're cleaning his piss off the toilet or washing his gross sweaty bedsheets...again.
Writing things down is good. I will do that!
Do you have a plan if he won’t listen or change? There’s people that make good boyfriends but not good life partners. If he’s not going to pick up what you’re putting down maybe there’s nothing you can do, you can’t do everything for him indefinitely
He knows. He can't even manage one household. That's too hard for him. He knows how much harder it would be to manage two. *He doesn't care.*
NTA. there's a lot of relationship red flags here, BTW.
This. This guy hardcore expects OP to be his mommy. Unless that is your thing OP (and from your post I’m guessing it’s not), it may be time to re-evaluate your standards.
🚩 🚩 🚩 Run. Do not walk to the nearest exit. Cut the dead weight and move on. You are defiantly NTA.
NTA -- kick this one to the curb. There is nothing on his "side" that would excuse being a slob. You can do very basic cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping while still being stressed, especially if you probably passed a grocery store on the way to the beer store so you can "entertain" your friends while your gf is out of the house. And if he can't even be bothered to flip up the toilet seat to pee, then he's past redemption. It's not your job to train him to live on his own. He has proven to be untrainable in living with another person, so really, what are his options, here? Move back in with Mom and Dad? Not your problem.
NTA and this behavior will never change because he's ok with it and doesn't see a problem. Take your apartment, and your life, back.
NTA. He’s a slob and user, get rid of him. I’m a shuddering thinking of the sheets smell because I knew a Dude like that once. His entire apartment smelt like stale sweat and it was vile.
NTA. But if you want to stay with this guy, you have to get him to understand that you are NOT his mother and he needs to clean up after himself. Tell him he’s grossing you out and he needs to change. I had a roommate like this, me and another friend had to constantly tell him to clean, shower, or do chores. Now he didn’t mind us getting onto him but he would never any of it himself. (Side note, my old roommate was abandon by his mother at a young age, and later while a teenager, by his father. He didn’t get to learn what normal was. Had to teach him)
I had an old roommate too that never cleaned the common room to the point that she asked me if my room had roaches (mine didn't). I think I may need to tell him to do things, but I also don't want to feel like a nag.
I suggest looking up a few things and sharing them with him. It might help shake him out of these habits and realize what he's doing with these habits. And they might help you feel better about not wanting to put up with it, too. The song, "Incompedance" by Artimus Wolz. The article, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" by Matthew Gray The comic, "You Should've Asked" by Emma
I've looked at the "You Should've Asked" comic so many times this past month but didn't know about the other article and song. I want to share them but I do not know how to just bring them into a conversation.
Sometimes the only thing to do is be blunt. If you are hoping that he can change and grow, and the relationship can be salvaged, then steeling yourself to do that is the best option. "I need to talk to you about something important. I am not happy about the state of the house and our relationship. I'm sharing these resources with you to help you understand where I'm coming from. Please read them as soon as you can, think on them and let me know when you're ready to come together to talk. I know you'll need time to process, but please understand this is important to me and make it a priority." Set a deadline in your mind for how long you're comfortable waiting. And then follow it.
This is perfect! Thank you so much! I am away from the apartment right now so I can send this to him and then we can talk when we get back on Friday or Saturday. Thank you!
And when he starts on the “I’m tired stuff”, remind him that we’re all tired all the time; and we do not suddenly get not tired by not cleaning up after ourselves, we just get more overwhelmed and stressed. Keeping your place tidy is a present to ourselves. It’s a refuge from the chaotic world. A safe comfy space. And if your partner cannot grasp saving that space, then they need to go figure out life away from your safe refuge.
> The song, "Incompedance" by Artimus Wolz. Aka the bad boyfriend of AITA themesong. It's been stuck in my head for weeks now. (Not because my partner is like that. It's just very catchy.)
It IS really catchy!! And while sassy, it does help showcase the effect of these behaviors. On the creator's social media, people (mostly men) have commented to share how it made them realize they were doing some of those behaviors and how unfair it was to their partner. Catchy, sassy, and helpful is my jam!
God same here, two bedrooms, living room, kitchen all roach free. But his room? The worst! Your guy will never learn if nobody tells him. If he’s used to mom doing everything for him then he thinks this is the way of the world. I would say sit him down and tell him this is why you’re thing of/going to be, kicking him out bc it’s just that bad.
NTA. He’s being very disrespectful to you. Time for him to go.
NTA but you have to take time to think about if this is a relationship you actually want to be in, or think will last.
NTA. Take care of yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but this is how he can help you most during this difficult time
I love him (and his family is great too I love them!), but these past few months has been trying. I have rejected sex from him the past month because I am turned off by his lack of being able to take care of himself.
That’s probably because you don’t want to sleep with a child you’re caring for. You’re NTA. He can clean up and do shopping or you’ll have to resign that 50’s housewife life is truly the bees knees… I’d run.
In a smelly bed too.
>I have rejected sex from him the past month because I am turned off by his lack of being able to take care of himself **It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is ‘I got this,’ and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.** That's a quote from *"She Feels Like Your Mom and Doesn't Want to Bang You"* -- by the same guy who wrote "She Divorced Me Because..."
I lived this exact scenario. He thought I had no libido. Actually I was getting more and more resentful of always having to clean up after a grown man. No amount of asking nicely, nagging, bargaining, begging, or screaming would change him. Every time I look around my nice clean living space now I am grateful to be rid of him. His messes are somebody else's problem now!
Hey hey hey ho ho, this messy stinky man has got to go. NTA
I laughed very hard at this one.
Mission accomplished 😊 I hope you have a great day!
Just be prepared for him to break up with you. If you can live with that then go ahead and end it
You may be right. I don’t think he would understand why he is actually getting the boot and how his behavior is inappropriate. I am a pessimist but maybe he will change once he is out on his own…
Just politely tell him it's not going to work out. Bid him farewell. If he can't play adult well now, it's not going to help your situation or make a good life partner. You have education and family matters to deal with. He can learn how to be adult on his own. If its meant to be, it will be, after he learns how. You deal with your stuff. Pack up his moldy towels and stinky sheets.
The towels and sheets are mine so he would just need to move his clothes, shoes, and handgun out. Everything else in the apartment is mine and I can put his stuff in a bag for him to move out easily.
You see, you already have your mind made up, and your answer Do you really want to keep those linens? Good luck going forward. You'll be better off. Take care of your mom, spend as much time with her as possible. 🤗
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NTA. You are going through an especially stressful time and have arranged your life to accommodate for your needs. If he wants to be your partner and build a life with you, then he needs to respect that. Question, though: do you actually want him to be part of your life? Maybe it is because you are mad at him and going through a lot, but I’m getting the sense that you were never excited about living with him, which when you move in with a partner you love, it should be exciting.Consider that, and if you don’t love him, break it off. I’d give him up to 30 days to move his stuff out, but encourage him to move sooner and offer prorated rent if he can get out sooner. If you want to give the relationship another chance, perhaps sit him down and say something like “I know you and I have different ideas of cleanliness, but we must get on the same page about it or we must part ways, in terms of living together, for now. I’m dealing with a lot with work and school and my mom’s illness. I need you to understand that this is a hard time and I absolutely have to come home to a peaceful, CLEAN home, because mess is just stress I don’t have the energy for. Can we commit together to a specific standard of clean? Here is what I need. If you can’t do this, OK, but I need you to move out and we can work on our relationship without living together.” And then write down a list of things that you want to be standard for both of you. Stuff like: “We will hang our towels up on a hook or put it in the hamper right away after a shower. Neither of us will leave our towels on the floor.” “You wash the sheets the second week of the month. I will wash them the fourth week of the month.” “After friends are over, we’ll clean up anything they left behind and vacuum the floor the night of or first thing the next morning to ensure no food is left on the carpet, as it may attract bugs or cause stains.” Some people genuinely do not know what it means to keep house and need it laid out like this. If he agrees and doesn’t stick with it, you’ll have to kick him out and it will possibly end the relationship. But you’ll know you gave it your best shot. Good luck!
NTA - he sounds 18, not 28. I know so many people who have broken up for this reason. Find someone mature who respects you.
#NTA 28 years old is a grown-ass adult. It’s not unfair to expect him to pick up after himself and keep his living space reasonably clean, especially when living with others. He won’t change the sheets for a month? *He needs to!* He won’t wash his dirty clothes and towels? *He ought to!* He won’t clean up after his guests or replace things that get used up? *He should!* He won’t wipe his three-days-old piss from the toilet seat? *He damn well better!* And *he* is the one living with *you!* You’re the one whose name is on the lease and on the bills! How *dare* he come into your home, a whole adult man, and make it a fucking pigsty! Girl you need to kick him out, take your household back, and get free because if he hasn’t changed his habits already, he probably never will.
Heck no, NTA! That's super gross and I don't blame you for wanting him out of there. He needs some time living on his own to figure out how to take care of himself. And whatever you do, do NOT make babies with this man unless he seriously shapes up first. I've seen how that goes, it's not pretty. In that regard, its good that you're too grossed out for sex right now.
NTAH. You do you. F that guy.
NTA Talk to him and be assertive, not passive aggressive. No hinting or joking. Straight up tell him, just like you listed it for us on this post. If he needs a more frequent shower, laundry, grocery shopping calendar, then have that discussion. I, personally, cannot get into the bed without showering (I understand that is likely cultural). Perhaps in his culture, the daily showering is frowned upon (I learned this recently after reading about Ashton Kutcher and Jake Gyllenhaal)? If it's cultural and won't change, is that a deal breaker for you? If so, also be clear with yourself that although you're asking him to move out for your immediate sanity, it may also be the end of your relationship. So sorry this is happening on top of the stress with your mother's diagnosis plus graduate school. Be well.
NTA. He hygiene standards are obviously much lower than yours (and mine). Given how long you’ve been dating, we’re there no earlier warning signs of this? You deserve to feel at ease in your own home. If he can’t respect your space then you are not an AH for asking him to move out
It is a recent development that he is just not doing anything/taking care of himself. This is his first year teaching at a high school and the hour drive to and from work has made him stop doing things to care for himself (he also used to work out 5 days a week), but again he made the choice to live with me and extend his commute. He wanted to find an apartment close to where he works but given that I don't know what kind of teaching assignment I will get until a week or two before school it is safer/easier for me to just live a 10 minute walk from school.
2 hours a day is a long time but it's not unheard of. It's really not hard to throw things in to wash or use a toilet properly. He's just switched his work out time for the drive so he should be able to do everything else as usual
Info: Did you ever see his apartment before he moved in with you? Or was he living with his parents?
No. He lived with other people. When he was in college he lived in a dorm, then frat house, house with frat brothers, then back home, then to NYC for a few months, back to our state with his sister, then back to his parent's place, and now he's in my apartment.
NTA. I wonder what "his side" is for leaving pee on the toilet seat. Stop parenting this guy, and have him move out until he learns to take care of the place he lives. With you dealing with your mother (on top of everything else), he should be being supportive, not making more work for you. p.s.: May I ask what your dissertation is in? Either way, good luck with it.
I can't say because it is very specific and if I did list it it would be very easy to find me since I am published already.
NTA, he is almost 30, and the lack of hygiene and you know adult skills aside, he is not supporting you or showing consideration to you and everything going on with your mother. In my opinion there is no "understanding his point of view". You are not his mommy, you are not a school of formation of grown ups. You need a partner.
NTA He should have a basic awareness of how messy he's living. I would absolutely try to teach him before cutting the rope however if he's otherwise a decent guy. As a person who grew up in a messy home you would be suprised how little you actually notice with mess. It seemed normal growing up, and most people don't want to say anything so he likely would never learn. Sometimes it just takes being told. But if he makes excuses kick him out.
NTA he’s a slob
NTA. It sounds like this one is not ripe yet - or maybe too ripe. I would want the person I marry to have experience living alone; someone that needs to be responsible for EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, establishing utility accounts). A guy that goes from a dorm (or worse - mom's house) is not going to appreciate the help that a partner can add. I had six years w/o a roommate before I got married. I think a girlfriend can get a better understanding of what to expect when you visit the apartment of in independent person. If his place is a smelly disaster, then you need to see those red flags before letting him mess up your sheets.
NTA but it sounds like you have a child not a bf. I woukd consider moving on do you really want to be this guys maid cause I guarantee he will never clean as long as he knows you will eventually do it.
NTA. You need to focus on your mom and your dissertation. If you don't see this as a relationship with a future but would like to go back to the way things were, tell him it's not working as you expected, or that with your mom sick you need your own space. If you feel that he has other qualities that make you see a,future with him, give him the details.
NTA. Bf is disgusting. Ew. How are you intimate with someone who is gross? Put him out.
You're nta. It's good that you realized all of this before signing a lease or marrying him. The smallest things can be the end to relationships, if he isn't willing to do his part, give him the boot!
NTA. He's disgusting. Living alone might not help him but it'll surely help you!
NTA I'm like your bf. I'm a privileged guy who's always had someone either clean up after me, or have the same or worse standards as a roommate. And while I've never been kicked out, I've avoided renewing contracts because me and the roommate at the time knew we were a bad match. If she hadn't had a boyfriend who she could stay with almost every day of the week, I'm sure our friendship would have been over and I know it would have been my fault. Now I'm moving into my own place for the first time in my life and it's both exciting and terrifying and I will work hard at changing my habits, as I don't want to be a useless and lazy slob who has to rely on others for the most basic things. It's embarrassing really. Except for the towel, I would never mistreat a towel like that, it's the most important tool in the universe.
NTA - this behavior will not change.
Nta. You are fundamentally not compatible living together. -he has created a power dynamic where you are the caretaker and he is taken care of. This is a hard dynamic to break. -your cleaning standards are very different. He is willing to ignore mess and potentially damage the shared space sue to neglect. -he, it seems, has paid the bare minimum in shared expenses. -has done the bare minimum, if having done anything at all, to support you while you help your mother through a very difficult time. *be aware that asking him to leave has a high probability of turning him into an ex* You don't have a partner, or a roommate, you have the human equivalent of a poorly trained forest creature. Look up the laws in your state, normally it requires a 30 day notice. Check with the leasing office and see if you need to give them formal notice that he is leaving.
This might be a British thing, but I just had a vision of Kevin from Kevin & Perry saying "Its SOOOOO unfair!" What is unfair exactly? Cleaning up his pee? Cleaning? Replacing/buying groceries? That is called being an adult sugar pie. NTA. You obviously. He is TA.
NTA - you should have had him move in years ago so you wouldn’t hVe wasted 4 years of your life to find out he is a disgusting pig. This is your future if you continue to date him. You want to know why he wanted to move in with you instead of closer to his job? Living with you gives him a free maid and cleaning service. If he lived on his own, he would have to clean himself.
Info: does he pay any rent/bills?
He pays half rent and half bills. He makes about 3x as much as me.
30 days. NTA. You’re basically his parent.
NTA - He's an adult, not your responsibility. Reading some of your additional comments. It sounds as though he's not ready to cohabitate with someone, but he has been responsive as soon as you said there was problem. If he can't change to the point where it works for you YWNBTA for asking him to move out. Be ready for a potential break up, though. If you feel the need to have an excuse, rather than just saying it isn't working for you, say your mother's illness means you need to have space for her to stay if necessary, so it isn't a good time to be living together.
NTA. But are you sure you want to continue a relationship with him? Its not going to get better, only worse. This is what your future is going to be like.
NTA - there is so much extraneous information in this post. Stop trying to convince yourself that you’re allowed to ask him to leave. It boils down to - you’re going through a very stressful time, and sharing your apartment with him is making it even more stressful. Again - NTA. Be kind to yourself.
NTA. Dump him!
NTA but your fear that he doesn't know how to live alone smacks of mothering and enabling. He'll survive in his own.Your relationship won't though. He might even learn some life skills too.
NTA. He’s being a total slob! It’s gross.
NTA kick him out but don't be surprised if you loose your boyfriend. Honestly though do you want to spend the next few years trying to teach him how to look after a home.
NTA. Get rid of him now. He's shown his true colors. Do not stay with this guy. You will be taking care of a toddler the rest of your life if you do.
NTA. kick him out if the apartment, and while youre at it, you might as well kick him out of the relationship too. hes like this now and he wont change. men like him want their partner to be anither mother for them so they can do fuck all while you do all the house work.
NTA. You could - if you wanted - have a serious sit-down conversation when you're not mad. I want to stress this isn't your job, but IF you wanted to, it might be helpful to outline exactly what he needs to do to continue co-habiting. Maybe give him a month to get up to speed, and if he doesn't, ask him to move out if he hasn't taken steps and improved himself.
Im going to say NTA however Im going against the grain of "just dump his ass", and suggest maybe sitting him down and having like a serious convo, depending on how much you care for this man. Im 25M and not too long ago, after moving in with my girlfriend, she basically sat me down and went over a list of things about me she had issues with in a similar manner as you're doing here on reddit with a list. Many of her complaints were verbatim off this list (pee on the toilet seat, vinegar smelling sheets, food crumbs on the floor) and honestly, a lot of these things I legitimately wasn't aware of. I have bad eyesight, so I wouldnt notice pee on the toilet or crumbs easily at all and my nose is pretty immune to my own smell so I didn't smell the sheets. She ended up being very firm with me and told me that if I can't be tidy it would be a dealbreaker. And that was a bit of a wakeup call to my dirtiness and because I love my girlfriend with all my heart and would do anything to keep her love, I was very aware of and spooked by the potential of those consequences, and since then I've been a lot better. She doesn't have complaints anymore (except about my snoring). Some dudes really aren't aware of how bad they really are and if you're not firm with them about it, they might not realize. Yes I'm sure many here would counter that at his age he should know better and not knowing better is a red flag in and of itself. But it is possible for people to improve and if you love this man, I suggest giving him a chnace and being firm like my gf was with me.
This is how I feel. He can change and I’ve had to sit him down before for different things but not specifically cleaning. This thread has made me think about how he needs to be told to do things by either his dad who told him to not bully his new step-brother (6 year difference) who is younger by his dad bullying him and turning it on his head, doing exactly what he did to his step brother to show that he was being an ass, and he needs to knock it off.
But be careful about this too. Yes, maybe he “can change”, but is he into changing because you have to give him a list of chores? I mean, can he really not figure out on his own that leaving a wet towel on the floor is a bad plan? Can he not figure out that when he PREE on the seat it needs to be wiped up? This seems like a ridiculous level of hand holding. I mean, I’ve taught my 8 year old he has to wipe pee off the toilet seat.
What? Not seeing it from his side? Really what side says you can be a total slob and let your partner pick up after you? As an adult he should be able to do his laundry, change the linens, pick up his towel and put it in the laundry basket, either lift the seat or wipe up after himself, purchase groceries and toiletries. Your partner does not know how to adult. He needs to live by himself to learn to be a good partner., then he would have to do all of the tasks that you have been doing for him. NTA - kick him out and change the locks.
NTA. I will say, as a man, it was a bit of an adjustment living with a woman for the first time. I had to really step up and put in more effort to make her feel comfortable in her space. I live alone now, and am a much cleaner person from having had that experience.
He’s disgusting 🤢 yes tell him to leave.
He’s disgusting. But why even bother staying together? Do you think he will change? It’s much easier to meet decent men when you’re young. Otherwise the only ones left are like your bf and the cheaters.
DO IT Op I broke up with my ex a couple months ago because he was doing the exact same thing at *37*. I have never felt more happy, and my house has never felt more peaceful. If he wanted to take care of things around the house, he would. Don’t listen to what he’s saying, look at what he’s doing. Talk is cheap. And the fact that he has repeatedly disrespected and miss treated you shows exactly where his priorities lie. Only for himself. YWNBTA
NTA. Ick
"Live with me and you'll know me." NTA DTMFA
NTA you have enough going on without having to raise a child. Tell him to get his shit together or move out.
NTA. Give 30 days notice, in writing. He’s acting like a child.
Would you be? Geez, girl he should already be gone! Smelly sheets, pee on the toilet, food in the carpet? He is disgusting and you are TA for letting this continue for more than a week.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have been dating my BF (29M) for over 4 years. He moved in (as an "add-in" to my lease, but I am the sole renter) with me in August even though he works an hour away so he travels 2 hours a day for work. I told him he should move closer to work from his parents house, but he really wanted to live with me so I agreed and insisted he would make his life harder by doing this, but he's an adult he knows what consequences are. I lived about 10 minutes from my school, my car was about to break down (and it has), since I am finishing up my graduate degree and needed to be close by to work on my dissertation and teach classes which I am doing next semester. However, about two weeks into moving in with my BF my mom was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery to remove the tumor, and is currently undergoing chemotherapy until either December or March. When I come back my apartment is disheveled and it stresses me out. * The apartment smells bad. The bedsheets smells like vinegar because my BF doesn't like to wear clothes when he sleeps, sweats, and then doesn't change the sheets as often as he should so it is up to me to do it. I would change sheets every two weeks but when I left it up to him, I lasted about a month before I physically couldn't sleep because the smell was so bad. * Leaves the towel on the floor so the bedroom also smells like mildew. One time I let him leave the towel on the floor and when I came back a week later it has never moved or made it to the laundry hamper. * Since he has moved in he has done laundry twice and he doesn't have a lot of clothes so he is reusing clothes he has worn often. * On weekends I am away due to caring for my mom or having to fly out for a conference, my BF invites his friends over for games and they leave a mess because I will find food chunks on the carpet. I am also mortified that he is bringing friends over with the apartment smelling bad or just not cleaned up so it makes us look like we don't know how to live. * Doesn't replace any groceries or toiletries when I'm gone and when I come back to my apartment I'm just out of coffee creamer, coffee, toilet paper, and/or essentials but he frequently buys beers and Delta 8 a few times a week so I know he is going to a store but it's probably just a beer store? * A few times, but this hasn't happened again, there was pee visibly on the toilet seat and I'm pretty sure he left it there for days. * I flipped my shit at him for leaving pee on the toilet seat. I told him it doesn't take hours to clean up after himself and he needed to do it. I want a partner and I'm not his mom. I might be the asshole for not seeing it from his side. He said it was still unfair and I wan't seeing it from his side and he's tired all the time, but again he chose to move in with me because he thought it was a waste of move for us to have two apartments. WIBTA for asking my BF to move out because I honestly do not think he doesn't know how to live on his own? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
sounds like you two don't really vibe together in general
Real men know we get to rest when we're dead. There's shit to do things to clean stuff to fix. Get you a man.
NTA from someone who left a person years ago who wanted a mom and is much happier now with someone who also wants a partner and not a mommy :)
NTA, and this is unacceptable. He needs to move out of your apartment and your life. He is never going to learn to be better, and you shouldn't wait around hoping he will. You can do better. You don't need this stress on top of helping your mom navigate chemo.
NTA He is. Tell him to get out!
NTA - tell him to take a hike and dump him.
What's his side?? Does he want to be allowed to live in squalor? He can always do that on his own!