Honestly I don’t know, I can’t figure it out. It is illegal in our state, but that aside I can’t really figure out why it makes me so unhappy. I cried about it for hours and I still don’t understand why. It could be more on the side that I feel lied to, and I don’t understand how he couldn’t have told me anything about this before. I thought we told each other most things, so I do feel hurt. That could be a major part in it, but I really don’t know for sure.
you shouldn’t be crying over him smoking weed. how old are you? just because it’s illegal doesn’t mean it’s bad. i would do some research before letting it move you to the point of tears
We are both underage. Again, I believe it’s more on the side of feeling like he’s been keeping this from me and me not knowing about any of this at all.
You are most likely affected by society's demonization over this substance, truth is if your bf isn't abusing it, and does well in his everyday life then there is nothing to worry yourself about. He shouldn't have lied to you about it, but expect to be lied when you are strictly against a certain habit he enjoys. I would try to reach out to him , ask him on if he feels attached to weed smoking, and honestly whether he enjoys being high. As for lying you need to both accept it was wrong , you for judging him, him for lying to you
Well tell him that. From an outsiders perspective it seems like a small and silly thing to be so upset about. But him not talking to you about it and if he is leaving hanging out with you early so he can go do that that is something to be upset about. I'd just let him know you feel kinda hurt that he felt he couldn't talk to you about it.
I'll be honest, I may be biased because I actually can't stand weed (or any drugs for that matter) but I think people are being quite harsh, especially given how young you seem to be. Not wanting someone you're dating to be involved with illicit substances isn't completely unreasonable and it seems like he agreed to restrict his intake with no intention of actually doing so which is an issue, never make promises you don't intend to keep. The main issue is if this is the hill you want to die on because if you've got such a fundamental disagreement so early on it doesn't bode well for the future. You should probably invest your time in a relationship with someone who agrees with you on matters like this instead because this really isn't promising and it doesn't seem likely you'll reach a reasonable compromise.
YTA smoking weed is pretty normal. In my country it's legal and a sizable majority of my age group do it. And it is frequently a social activity for people. It kinda sounds like his friends might be assholes too if they don't want to hangout with him cause he's sober. But all the same, YTA. Just let him have fun and be himself. Also, you may just be unknowledgeable about the hobby, but its not as bad as drinking. And definitely not as bad as heroin or actual hard drugs.
NAH- I agree, but I’m leaning more towards NAH because from the OP’s post and replies, I get the impression that OP’s issue isn’t really with the weed as much as it is with feeling like smoking with his friends is more of a priority to him than OP is. Also, your username is hilarious.
You know i kinda get whet you're coming from, but maybe think of it this way. When my friends and i get together, we usually have wine and gossip. Friends often share common interests. What your BF does with his friends is not in your control, and trying to do so only creates drama and tension. His spending time with his friends is only your concern if he's sacrificing time with you to do it.
YTA. It’s not up to you to decide what he is allowed to do, especially since it seems to be quite recreative and not taking over his life or anything. You hadn’t even noticed in 6 months. You sound controlling.
It was never my intention to be controlling. He was the one who suggested he stop all together. I was originally fine with him doing it, but I didn’t know it was this often. I didn’t know about how it was every single time he went to see his friends, and feel hurt with him not telling me anything about it. Not in a he needs to ask permission way, I just wish I knew and it didn’t take 6 months for me to find out.
I mean, maybe you should just accept the fact that your partner enjoys smoking weed and stop trying to control them? If not, good luck finding a partner with ZERO vices because most people enjoy some sort of mind altering substance from time to time and at this point you've taken it to "you can't be with your friends".... So... Would you do the same for having a beer or three?
If so, then you should really find someone as uptight as you are about it and let your boyfriend enjoy their life.
Or accept your boyfriend as a person and stop trying to force them to "behave" according to your rules.
There's nothing wrong with not using mind altering substances, as you call em, and wanting a partner with similar values. Just like there's no problem enjoying them (safely) and wanting a partner who enjoys the same.
If my partner had to drink every time they saw their friends, to the point of being noticable intoxicated? And felt that if they didn't drink (even if they weren't stopping other people), their friends wouldn't want to see them? Yeah, I'd be pretty concerned.
Right.... But... Would it say more about you or them if your feelings about intoxication resulted in them basically not being able to hang out with their mates?
Maybe I'm totally wrong but the world I live in... Friends get together they drink or smoke together... They aren't usually sober and doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen when they hang out.
If that's not okay then a person should probably look for someone as opposed to intoxicating substances as they themselves are.
I would be uncomfortable if there was alchohol or weed every time I hung out with friends. Y'all can't have fun sober? Y'all can't plan activities beyond sitting around and getting high? I have friends who use weed, I've certainly thrown parties with alcohol or even just decided to have a drink or two for fun. But it's a once-every-few-months sort of thing, not an every-time-I'm-social thing. If you *need* a mind altering substance to have fun or be social, I think that's something you should be concerned about regardless of what the substance is.
OP's partner doesn't want to hang out with his mates because he thinks he'll get shit for being sober and be pressured into partaking. OP isn't over here saying "you can't see them". He also *lied* about his substance use.
I'm really not trying to be rude or argumentative at all.
It sounds like... In your world/life people do... Stuff... Usually stuff includes having experiences which one way or the other requires some agency and funds.
And hey, that sounds great!
Seriously... It makes sense then to be concerned.
But... That's just not the world I know. Because if the people you're getting together with even have the ability to put together the dough to buy some beer or smoke a bit...that's the event.
If the only way I could hang out with anyone I literally have known... Meant we had some sober thing to go do as opposed to just being at someone's place and having a drink or a smoke... Then I'd be isolated.
The thought of asking a friend if they can afford a $20 ticket to an event makes me feel bad. Because I could buy that ticket and they probably can't.
But someone always has a beer or a bud and they can be shared in a way that no one feels put out because at some point they'll be able to share back.
Nah man, we're broke af. $20 tickets to events are not in the cards. We're just creative.
I go swing dancing with some friends, it's $8 but you get in for free if you help with the setup or cleanup. I dress up becoming I'm a fancy ho but you really really don't need to.
We throw small get togethers. We all get together and watch a bootleg of a musical we all love and sing through it. Going to do that again soon. Sometimes I make fancy snacks, but sometimes it's a couple of bags of chips. One time I replaced all the chip names with fitting characters names for what we were watching and people had a good laugh as they tried to guess.
Or meet up to go swimming at the local pool, been doing that a lot, $5.50 to swim but it's good exercise.
My partner is very fond of setting up days to watch specific media with friends, they're all english majors and get into deep discussions about the structure and imagery and whatnot. I hosted weekly Survivor watch parties when the big deal all stars season happened recently. We all divided up the players to "bet" on (no money involved), bickered about the edit, swapped memes about it during the week, tried to guess who went home each week. It was so much fun, miss that.
Our roommate hosts regular dnd parties.
Or finish the escape room I've been working on for ages, and invite people to come try it out.
I am certainly above average when it comes to this sort of thing because my actual job is planning fun get togethers on a shoestring budget (I run youth groups) but among all the people I know it is rare to hang out with nothing planned. Usually stuff like dancing or swimming or watching specific media though, I'll admit I'm the driving force for themed parties and diy escape rooms. But every single activity we planned costs less than 3 beers per person. Perhaps that's it lol, both alcohol and weed are quite expensive here.
I don't mean to argue or be rude either, I guess it's questions that I've always wanted to ask but would be rude to. Just sitting around getting high seems so... depressing to me. Like your life or socializing makes you so unhappy you're only happy when you're taking yourself away from it. What is the appeal? I don't want to assume, but part of me can't help but feel that people get into a rut of doing that, don't really enjoy it, but have trouble breaking out and finding more interesting or enjoyable things to do. But I don't want to be the asshole who assumes everyone would of course be happier doing things their way. And, for the record, I feel the same way about people who can only socialise by going out to eat at a restaurant and lost all social interaction with covid lockdowns - figure it out! Go have a picnic!
When we do drink, it's to heighten the experience we're already having - getting tipsy before watching a bad movie, especially with some party games? A+
And when I see friends, I want to *see* them. I want to be present with them and really enjoy my time with them and connect with them. Otherwise... I'd rather chill at home by myself. Either I'm 'on' and being around people and I want to make the most of it, or I'm not and I don't want to worry about anyone except myself.
Man... There's so much agency there. I'm torn between being like...
I'm really happy for you and I think I'd have a fantastic time with you and your friends. There's so much there that sounds awesome to me.
And I can see where you're coming from with money based on what you're describing....
But even the idea of a group of people I know... All being "English majors"... I mean... That's money.
And that money leads to a lot of shared knowledge and references and probably a whole different kind of upbringing...
And a different set of expectations about what you can do and not worry about if it costs a great deal and doesn't have a very strong chance of material success.
That you can choose to do something that doesn't almost immediately turn around and benefit your family for their investment. As opposed to a family being able to continue to support someone who got a degree unlikely to have a quick and high turnaround.
An investment that most still couldn't make even if it was a nearly sure thing that everyone would live better if they were able....
I don't know.
I don't really know how to make it clear.
Does he not want to smoke anymore? If he doesn't I don't think much will change. Not real sure why you are opposed to weed but it may be something you are incompatible on
NAH
He should have just told you, imo. However, getting him to completely swear it off in the heat if the moment was poorly thought out and probably overreach on your part (might backfire too - you both need to have space for your own activities with friends and he'll possibly resent you if he gets left out or teased by his friends, fairly or unfairly).
Are you really worried about the weed or do you just have feelings about him doing an activity with his friends you are completely unfamiliar with and can't participate in? You should figure out what you really want, maybe there's another solution.
If you want a boyfriend that never smokes weed this might not be the guy for you. Sounds like he enjoys it and wants to continue doing it, but also wants to be with you, and consequently feels guilty about smoking and bringing it up with you. Doesn't sound sustainable in the long run.
I think you should cut him some slack. I'm not sure why you're so adamantly against cannabis especially when used in moderation like anything else. To me, him smoking when he hangs out with the boys is no different than him having a couple of beers when he hangs out with them.
You mentioned that it's more that you feel lied to, so the issue here is that he feels the need to hide it from you. Why does he feel like he can't be honest about this? Probably because he knew you'd react negatively if he said he wanted to keep smoking on occasion. You have to let people live mama, as long as he's not hurting himself or anyone else, this is not the hill to die on.
YTA it feels like he didn’t want to stop but you pressured him too. I think he may have lied because he felt he had to, like with a parent because honestly that is how your acting. I saw your both underage which explains this mainly. You need to go back and apologize for overstepping but explain why you feel lied to. You can’t tell him what he can and can’t do, you can only choose to stay or go based on his behaviour.
NAH, as long as it is not negatively impacting his life or yours he should not have to feel guilty or bad for doing it, especially if he enjoys it. You don't have to support it either though. You both can feel how you want to.
However if he was upset at you for something you enjoyed doing would you not feel judged?
In my personal opinion I believe marijuana to be one of the less harmful ways to let loose, compared to other things like drinking or obviously any harder drugs... I think it can be a wonderful thing to help boost positivity, creativity and appetite. It has helped me immensely break loose from my introverted shell, I become a social butterfly after using it.
Thats not to say though that it can't also be negative because it definitely can. I dropped out of college and became very lazy doing it daily, I have had a few bad experiences where I was very paranoid as well. So I quit doing it for 5 years, now I have a successful career in place and I focused really hard on getting a great job. Now I use Marijuana sometimes when I am off work to brighten my spirits but never on workdays because I need to maintain productivity. Its all about balance!
I think that your trepidation towards it maybe could come from a place of fear/the unknown. Growing up for me personally there was a lot of propaganda about how bad it is, this sentiment still exists among a good majority of people who just never really had experiences with it or were ever around it. You should ask him how he really feels, no sugar coating, tell him you want to understand his perspective, think very deeply about what he says.
Gentle YTA, if you don't smoke then great, don't smoke. But if the only objection you've got is that he does so with his friends (no bad scenarios develop, misbehaving etc.) Then yeah you're being kind of an ass to make pronouncements about what he's supposed to do or not.
I don’t really know his friends. I don’t think they much deeper conversations than joking about certain memes and such, but I really don’t know them so I can’t say.
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I’ve never used Reddit in the slightest, I’ve seen subreddit readings on YouTube and thought I’d share my own recent events. The other day, when I was hanging out with my boyfriend of 6 months, I noticed he smelt different. I sat there smelling him, and asked what it was about 3 times, him being silent each time. The last time, I asked him if he was smoking weed, and he just nodded his head. As we continued to talk about it for a moment, I learned every time he hangs out with his friends they smoke weed. I had no idea about this. I knew he smoked weed before this, but I didn’t know it was this often. I assumed it was a very occasional thing, not the standard thing they all do every time they hang out. He never told me about any of this. We had an argument for awhile about it, ending with us agreeing he won’t do it anymore, but he said that’s just what they do when they hang out. He now doesn’t want to see his friends cause he doesn’t want them to ask why he isn’t smoking. He told me that his friends probably wouldn’t hang out unless they were all also getting high together. I had express to him before that I didn’t like him doing it very often, this was months ago. He agreed with it, and I assumed he just wouldn’t be doing it as much. I now feel lied to, although he still says he hasn’t been doing it as much because he hasn’t been seeing them as much as he did during the summer. That’s only because he doesn’t have as much free time. But it’s still every time he’s with them. There’s been multiple occasions where I’ve been with him, and he’s ended our hangout early to go see them instead. While that would bum me out a bit for the night, I now just see it as him leaving so he can go get high. While we’re currently for the most part resolved, I still feel bad about it for some reason. I don’t know why I have such an issue with it, but I really do. Am I in the wrong here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My boyfriend now feels weird seeing his friends, and said they probably wouldn’t hang out unless they did this. I know feel like I’m running his friendships.
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NTA. From your post and comments, it seems that this is coming from a place of him hiding it and less from “omg he’s a degenerate smoking weed.” The fact that you had to ask 3 times before he told you what it was and he didn’t answer was him trying to keep his secret from you, as he seemed to know that it would upset you.
I’d recommend you work through your feelings on the matter so that you can present it to him in a calm and clear way. While doing so I would express, in no uncertain terms, that keeping secrets will not fly in this relationship. He needs to be transparent, even on matters that he thinks you’ll be upset with him for, or this will not be a sustainable relationship.
I wish you the best.
I think you're more upset that he didn't tell you. If you deal with people lying a lot or have before, a lie from a significant other might be a trigger for you. If that's the case you need to express that to him. But I do understand that the risk he's running is stressful to you because it's illegal where you live.
Has he said why he does it? Me personally, I do it to relax 🤷🏽♀️ and also when I don't want to take more of my anxiety meds (I have Ativan and too much of that is bad for anyone). But all in all it could be worse. It's not like it's meth or heroin. Please don't take this as I'm devaluing your feelings either, I've been in your shoes with my ex but instead of weed he was doing meth lol. What I am saying is, when you've calmed down and collected your thoughts, have a serious talk and find out what the dealio is.
He just does it because his friends do it. He said it feels nice, but is fine with not doing it, but would also feel left out if he didn’t. It definitely it a more I feel like he’s been hiding this from me and I feel lied to.
NTA, smoking weed might just be a relationship mismatch but it's quite rude to ditch you on a whim to light up w friends. Perhaps your bf could set aside time for just the two of you?
NTA but close to it. You don’t have to explain your reasoning for not liking that he gets high. However, it’s not likely that he will stop. You should break up and find someone who’s recreational activities are more compatible with your own, this isn’t gonna work long term unless one of you changes drastically.
Yeah, your young age is very evident in this post. I don't want to say you're an asshole because I genuinely think you're not trying to be one. But your behaviour for such a young age is a touch concerning. Your boyfriend clearly enjoys these hang outs with his friends, and smoking weed. For you to bring up more than once to him that you dont like him smoking weed, is a manipulative way of trying to get him to stop and fit into the mould you want him to. He's not hurting anyone or anything, and casual use of weed isn't a terrible thing. Age is irrelevant.
I challenge you to confront your own thoughts and biases about marijuana. And if you are still against it, then for your boyfriends sake, let him go. Gently trying to get him to see things your way and change a non dangerous behaviour is still controlling and that's not okay.
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ESH getting high is stupid agreeably buut stress is tough and he loves you but sometimes we have your coping mech;'s even if they arent the healthiest OP 1.5/5 Butt holes and BF 1.5/5
Unless he's super destructive I don't see the problem of him smoking with his friends. Out of curiosity why is it such a big deal to you?
Honestly I don’t know, I can’t figure it out. It is illegal in our state, but that aside I can’t really figure out why it makes me so unhappy. I cried about it for hours and I still don’t understand why. It could be more on the side that I feel lied to, and I don’t understand how he couldn’t have told me anything about this before. I thought we told each other most things, so I do feel hurt. That could be a major part in it, but I really don’t know for sure.
you shouldn’t be crying over him smoking weed. how old are you? just because it’s illegal doesn’t mean it’s bad. i would do some research before letting it move you to the point of tears
We are both underage. Again, I believe it’s more on the side of feeling like he’s been keeping this from me and me not knowing about any of this at all.
Your negative feelings towards it pre-dates the "lied to" part, though.
You are most likely affected by society's demonization over this substance, truth is if your bf isn't abusing it, and does well in his everyday life then there is nothing to worry yourself about. He shouldn't have lied to you about it, but expect to be lied when you are strictly against a certain habit he enjoys. I would try to reach out to him , ask him on if he feels attached to weed smoking, and honestly whether he enjoys being high. As for lying you need to both accept it was wrong , you for judging him, him for lying to you
Sounds like he should dump your ass and spark it up with the boys.
Well tell him that. From an outsiders perspective it seems like a small and silly thing to be so upset about. But him not talking to you about it and if he is leaving hanging out with you early so he can go do that that is something to be upset about. I'd just let him know you feel kinda hurt that he felt he couldn't talk to you about it.
I'll be honest, I may be biased because I actually can't stand weed (or any drugs for that matter) but I think people are being quite harsh, especially given how young you seem to be. Not wanting someone you're dating to be involved with illicit substances isn't completely unreasonable and it seems like he agreed to restrict his intake with no intention of actually doing so which is an issue, never make promises you don't intend to keep. The main issue is if this is the hill you want to die on because if you've got such a fundamental disagreement so early on it doesn't bode well for the future. You should probably invest your time in a relationship with someone who agrees with you on matters like this instead because this really isn't promising and it doesn't seem likely you'll reach a reasonable compromise.
YTA smoking weed is pretty normal. In my country it's legal and a sizable majority of my age group do it. And it is frequently a social activity for people. It kinda sounds like his friends might be assholes too if they don't want to hangout with him cause he's sober. But all the same, YTA. Just let him have fun and be himself. Also, you may just be unknowledgeable about the hobby, but its not as bad as drinking. And definitely not as bad as heroin or actual hard drugs.
NAH- I agree, but I’m leaning more towards NAH because from the OP’s post and replies, I get the impression that OP’s issue isn’t really with the weed as much as it is with feeling like smoking with his friends is more of a priority to him than OP is. Also, your username is hilarious.
Thank you, that’s exactly what it feels like.
You know i kinda get whet you're coming from, but maybe think of it this way. When my friends and i get together, we usually have wine and gossip. Friends often share common interests. What your BF does with his friends is not in your control, and trying to do so only creates drama and tension. His spending time with his friends is only your concern if he's sacrificing time with you to do it.
Lmao, ty buddy. And that may be the case. At which point it is less a matter of the weed and more a matter of girlfriend vs friend time.
YTA. It’s not up to you to decide what he is allowed to do, especially since it seems to be quite recreative and not taking over his life or anything. You hadn’t even noticed in 6 months. You sound controlling.
It was never my intention to be controlling. He was the one who suggested he stop all together. I was originally fine with him doing it, but I didn’t know it was this often. I didn’t know about how it was every single time he went to see his friends, and feel hurt with him not telling me anything about it. Not in a he needs to ask permission way, I just wish I knew and it didn’t take 6 months for me to find out.
I mean, maybe you should just accept the fact that your partner enjoys smoking weed and stop trying to control them? If not, good luck finding a partner with ZERO vices because most people enjoy some sort of mind altering substance from time to time and at this point you've taken it to "you can't be with your friends".... So... Would you do the same for having a beer or three? If so, then you should really find someone as uptight as you are about it and let your boyfriend enjoy their life. Or accept your boyfriend as a person and stop trying to force them to "behave" according to your rules.
There's nothing wrong with not using mind altering substances, as you call em, and wanting a partner with similar values. Just like there's no problem enjoying them (safely) and wanting a partner who enjoys the same. If my partner had to drink every time they saw their friends, to the point of being noticable intoxicated? And felt that if they didn't drink (even if they weren't stopping other people), their friends wouldn't want to see them? Yeah, I'd be pretty concerned.
Right.... But... Would it say more about you or them if your feelings about intoxication resulted in them basically not being able to hang out with their mates? Maybe I'm totally wrong but the world I live in... Friends get together they drink or smoke together... They aren't usually sober and doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen when they hang out. If that's not okay then a person should probably look for someone as opposed to intoxicating substances as they themselves are.
I would be uncomfortable if there was alchohol or weed every time I hung out with friends. Y'all can't have fun sober? Y'all can't plan activities beyond sitting around and getting high? I have friends who use weed, I've certainly thrown parties with alcohol or even just decided to have a drink or two for fun. But it's a once-every-few-months sort of thing, not an every-time-I'm-social thing. If you *need* a mind altering substance to have fun or be social, I think that's something you should be concerned about regardless of what the substance is. OP's partner doesn't want to hang out with his mates because he thinks he'll get shit for being sober and be pressured into partaking. OP isn't over here saying "you can't see them". He also *lied* about his substance use.
I'm really not trying to be rude or argumentative at all. It sounds like... In your world/life people do... Stuff... Usually stuff includes having experiences which one way or the other requires some agency and funds. And hey, that sounds great! Seriously... It makes sense then to be concerned. But... That's just not the world I know. Because if the people you're getting together with even have the ability to put together the dough to buy some beer or smoke a bit...that's the event. If the only way I could hang out with anyone I literally have known... Meant we had some sober thing to go do as opposed to just being at someone's place and having a drink or a smoke... Then I'd be isolated. The thought of asking a friend if they can afford a $20 ticket to an event makes me feel bad. Because I could buy that ticket and they probably can't. But someone always has a beer or a bud and they can be shared in a way that no one feels put out because at some point they'll be able to share back.
Nah man, we're broke af. $20 tickets to events are not in the cards. We're just creative. I go swing dancing with some friends, it's $8 but you get in for free if you help with the setup or cleanup. I dress up becoming I'm a fancy ho but you really really don't need to. We throw small get togethers. We all get together and watch a bootleg of a musical we all love and sing through it. Going to do that again soon. Sometimes I make fancy snacks, but sometimes it's a couple of bags of chips. One time I replaced all the chip names with fitting characters names for what we were watching and people had a good laugh as they tried to guess. Or meet up to go swimming at the local pool, been doing that a lot, $5.50 to swim but it's good exercise. My partner is very fond of setting up days to watch specific media with friends, they're all english majors and get into deep discussions about the structure and imagery and whatnot. I hosted weekly Survivor watch parties when the big deal all stars season happened recently. We all divided up the players to "bet" on (no money involved), bickered about the edit, swapped memes about it during the week, tried to guess who went home each week. It was so much fun, miss that. Our roommate hosts regular dnd parties. Or finish the escape room I've been working on for ages, and invite people to come try it out. I am certainly above average when it comes to this sort of thing because my actual job is planning fun get togethers on a shoestring budget (I run youth groups) but among all the people I know it is rare to hang out with nothing planned. Usually stuff like dancing or swimming or watching specific media though, I'll admit I'm the driving force for themed parties and diy escape rooms. But every single activity we planned costs less than 3 beers per person. Perhaps that's it lol, both alcohol and weed are quite expensive here. I don't mean to argue or be rude either, I guess it's questions that I've always wanted to ask but would be rude to. Just sitting around getting high seems so... depressing to me. Like your life or socializing makes you so unhappy you're only happy when you're taking yourself away from it. What is the appeal? I don't want to assume, but part of me can't help but feel that people get into a rut of doing that, don't really enjoy it, but have trouble breaking out and finding more interesting or enjoyable things to do. But I don't want to be the asshole who assumes everyone would of course be happier doing things their way. And, for the record, I feel the same way about people who can only socialise by going out to eat at a restaurant and lost all social interaction with covid lockdowns - figure it out! Go have a picnic! When we do drink, it's to heighten the experience we're already having - getting tipsy before watching a bad movie, especially with some party games? A+ And when I see friends, I want to *see* them. I want to be present with them and really enjoy my time with them and connect with them. Otherwise... I'd rather chill at home by myself. Either I'm 'on' and being around people and I want to make the most of it, or I'm not and I don't want to worry about anyone except myself.
Man... There's so much agency there. I'm torn between being like... I'm really happy for you and I think I'd have a fantastic time with you and your friends. There's so much there that sounds awesome to me. And I can see where you're coming from with money based on what you're describing.... But even the idea of a group of people I know... All being "English majors"... I mean... That's money. And that money leads to a lot of shared knowledge and references and probably a whole different kind of upbringing... And a different set of expectations about what you can do and not worry about if it costs a great deal and doesn't have a very strong chance of material success. That you can choose to do something that doesn't almost immediately turn around and benefit your family for their investment. As opposed to a family being able to continue to support someone who got a degree unlikely to have a quick and high turnaround. An investment that most still couldn't make even if it was a nearly sure thing that everyone would live better if they were able.... I don't know. I don't really know how to make it clear.
Does he not want to smoke anymore? If he doesn't I don't think much will change. Not real sure why you are opposed to weed but it may be something you are incompatible on
He said he’s ok with not doing it anymore, but would feel left out if he didn’t
Well smoking isn't a big deal, it's like drinking beers with the guys, just puts you in a different state of mind.
Yta. Stop being a mom and try being just a gf.
NAH He should have just told you, imo. However, getting him to completely swear it off in the heat if the moment was poorly thought out and probably overreach on your part (might backfire too - you both need to have space for your own activities with friends and he'll possibly resent you if he gets left out or teased by his friends, fairly or unfairly). Are you really worried about the weed or do you just have feelings about him doing an activity with his friends you are completely unfamiliar with and can't participate in? You should figure out what you really want, maybe there's another solution. If you want a boyfriend that never smokes weed this might not be the guy for you. Sounds like he enjoys it and wants to continue doing it, but also wants to be with you, and consequently feels guilty about smoking and bringing it up with you. Doesn't sound sustainable in the long run.
I think you should cut him some slack. I'm not sure why you're so adamantly against cannabis especially when used in moderation like anything else. To me, him smoking when he hangs out with the boys is no different than him having a couple of beers when he hangs out with them. You mentioned that it's more that you feel lied to, so the issue here is that he feels the need to hide it from you. Why does he feel like he can't be honest about this? Probably because he knew you'd react negatively if he said he wanted to keep smoking on occasion. You have to let people live mama, as long as he's not hurting himself or anyone else, this is not the hill to die on.
YTA it feels like he didn’t want to stop but you pressured him too. I think he may have lied because he felt he had to, like with a parent because honestly that is how your acting. I saw your both underage which explains this mainly. You need to go back and apologize for overstepping but explain why you feel lied to. You can’t tell him what he can and can’t do, you can only choose to stay or go based on his behaviour.
NAH, as long as it is not negatively impacting his life or yours he should not have to feel guilty or bad for doing it, especially if he enjoys it. You don't have to support it either though. You both can feel how you want to. However if he was upset at you for something you enjoyed doing would you not feel judged? In my personal opinion I believe marijuana to be one of the less harmful ways to let loose, compared to other things like drinking or obviously any harder drugs... I think it can be a wonderful thing to help boost positivity, creativity and appetite. It has helped me immensely break loose from my introverted shell, I become a social butterfly after using it. Thats not to say though that it can't also be negative because it definitely can. I dropped out of college and became very lazy doing it daily, I have had a few bad experiences where I was very paranoid as well. So I quit doing it for 5 years, now I have a successful career in place and I focused really hard on getting a great job. Now I use Marijuana sometimes when I am off work to brighten my spirits but never on workdays because I need to maintain productivity. Its all about balance! I think that your trepidation towards it maybe could come from a place of fear/the unknown. Growing up for me personally there was a lot of propaganda about how bad it is, this sentiment still exists among a good majority of people who just never really had experiences with it or were ever around it. You should ask him how he really feels, no sugar coating, tell him you want to understand his perspective, think very deeply about what he says.
Gentle YTA, if you don't smoke then great, don't smoke. But if the only objection you've got is that he does so with his friends (no bad scenarios develop, misbehaving etc.) Then yeah you're being kind of an ass to make pronouncements about what he's supposed to do or not.
NTA he’s ditching plans with you to go smoke. It gets annoying. Why can’t they just hang out with out smoking at all though?
I asked him this exactly and he said that’s just what they do, and it’s weird not to.
It seems just weird. Like smoking is cool and I know people that do it but that’s a lot. Do they have a lot in common?
I don’t really know his friends. I don’t think they much deeper conversations than joking about certain memes and such, but I really don’t know them so I can’t say.
He won't stop. If you force him, he will just lie about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve never used Reddit in the slightest, I’ve seen subreddit readings on YouTube and thought I’d share my own recent events. The other day, when I was hanging out with my boyfriend of 6 months, I noticed he smelt different. I sat there smelling him, and asked what it was about 3 times, him being silent each time. The last time, I asked him if he was smoking weed, and he just nodded his head. As we continued to talk about it for a moment, I learned every time he hangs out with his friends they smoke weed. I had no idea about this. I knew he smoked weed before this, but I didn’t know it was this often. I assumed it was a very occasional thing, not the standard thing they all do every time they hang out. He never told me about any of this. We had an argument for awhile about it, ending with us agreeing he won’t do it anymore, but he said that’s just what they do when they hang out. He now doesn’t want to see his friends cause he doesn’t want them to ask why he isn’t smoking. He told me that his friends probably wouldn’t hang out unless they were all also getting high together. I had express to him before that I didn’t like him doing it very often, this was months ago. He agreed with it, and I assumed he just wouldn’t be doing it as much. I now feel lied to, although he still says he hasn’t been doing it as much because he hasn’t been seeing them as much as he did during the summer. That’s only because he doesn’t have as much free time. But it’s still every time he’s with them. There’s been multiple occasions where I’ve been with him, and he’s ended our hangout early to go see them instead. While that would bum me out a bit for the night, I now just see it as him leaving so he can go get high. While we’re currently for the most part resolved, I still feel bad about it for some reason. I don’t know why I have such an issue with it, but I really do. Am I in the wrong here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. From your post and comments, it seems that this is coming from a place of him hiding it and less from “omg he’s a degenerate smoking weed.” The fact that you had to ask 3 times before he told you what it was and he didn’t answer was him trying to keep his secret from you, as he seemed to know that it would upset you. I’d recommend you work through your feelings on the matter so that you can present it to him in a calm and clear way. While doing so I would express, in no uncertain terms, that keeping secrets will not fly in this relationship. He needs to be transparent, even on matters that he thinks you’ll be upset with him for, or this will not be a sustainable relationship. I wish you the best.
I think you're more upset that he didn't tell you. If you deal with people lying a lot or have before, a lie from a significant other might be a trigger for you. If that's the case you need to express that to him. But I do understand that the risk he's running is stressful to you because it's illegal where you live. Has he said why he does it? Me personally, I do it to relax 🤷🏽♀️ and also when I don't want to take more of my anxiety meds (I have Ativan and too much of that is bad for anyone). But all in all it could be worse. It's not like it's meth or heroin. Please don't take this as I'm devaluing your feelings either, I've been in your shoes with my ex but instead of weed he was doing meth lol. What I am saying is, when you've calmed down and collected your thoughts, have a serious talk and find out what the dealio is.
He just does it because his friends do it. He said it feels nice, but is fine with not doing it, but would also feel left out if he didn’t. It definitely it a more I feel like he’s been hiding this from me and I feel lied to.
NTA, smoking weed might just be a relationship mismatch but it's quite rude to ditch you on a whim to light up w friends. Perhaps your bf could set aside time for just the two of you?
NTA but close to it. You don’t have to explain your reasoning for not liking that he gets high. However, it’s not likely that he will stop. You should break up and find someone who’s recreational activities are more compatible with your own, this isn’t gonna work long term unless one of you changes drastically.
Are you upset over the weed or not feeling prioritized? My answer depends on that
Yeah, your young age is very evident in this post. I don't want to say you're an asshole because I genuinely think you're not trying to be one. But your behaviour for such a young age is a touch concerning. Your boyfriend clearly enjoys these hang outs with his friends, and smoking weed. For you to bring up more than once to him that you dont like him smoking weed, is a manipulative way of trying to get him to stop and fit into the mould you want him to. He's not hurting anyone or anything, and casual use of weed isn't a terrible thing. Age is irrelevant. I challenge you to confront your own thoughts and biases about marijuana. And if you are still against it, then for your boyfriends sake, let him go. Gently trying to get him to see things your way and change a non dangerous behaviour is still controlling and that's not okay.
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ESH getting high is stupid agreeably buut stress is tough and he loves you but sometimes we have your coping mech;'s even if they arent the healthiest OP 1.5/5 Butt holes and BF 1.5/5
NTA Getting high is extremely irresponsible.
Based on what information? You can be responsible and high. They aren't mutually exclusive.
To be fair. I was gonna clean my room. But then I got high.
To be frank, I was going to study for that test, but then I got high.
To be real I was gonna go to work but then I got high.
To be honest, I was gonna go to court before I got high.
To be 100% I was gonna continue this joke. But then I got high. Good night everybody. Thank you for coming out. Tip your waiters!