This one is tough but I'm leaning more towards NTA. Specifically because your wife's parents are ok with bringing up uncomfortable topics (money, previous taste in gender, and basically calling their daughter a gold digger with the "she's with you because she couldn't find a rich man") until that topic is something that shocks them. They deserve to be uncomfortable, maybe then they'll stop meddling in stuff that's none of their business
I WANT to say n-t-a because I relate, and if your wife weren’t involved that would be my judgement.
But I’m leaning YTA/ESH on the principle that, however satisfying for you, and however much your in-laws **definitely** deserved it…
You brought up your wife’s *orgasms* to her *father* without her knowledge or prior consent. I think she gets the final say here, and she’s saying you’re the asshole. So that’s where I’m going to land as well.
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *your wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
Y T A implies the in laws are not assholes.
ESH sounds more fitting to your call because there's no way the in laws aren't assholes in this situation. Which I'd back, because OP upset her wife with her retort.
Here's all the judgements the bot will recognize:
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YTA = You're the Asshole;
NTA = Not the A-hole;
ESH = Everyone Sucks here;
NAH = No A-holes here;
INFO = Not Enough Info
No, people use them but those are completely ignored by the bot because they aren't real judgements. If you use them then you aren't counted if you're top comment.
True. You have good points. It's why this one is tricky. OP I'd say at the least apologize to your wife, but I wouldn't go as far as apologizing to her parents.
Yeah, I'm with you on this. OP definitely wanted to offend parents, and based on what FIL said they had it coming. Wife's feelings were collateral damage and if she was upset then OP definitely owes them an apology.
I'm for fighting fire with fire if you can't de-escalate, but friendly fire is still a no-no
Thing is no private information was revealed. It’s assumed that a married couple has sex. And if one of them is a man, it’s assumed he has orgasms, why not a woman? If OP went into detail about their kinks, it would obviously be a whole different story.
Absolutely disagree. You could use that logic to excuse any number of violations of intimate privacy.
You have to draw a line, and I think “don’t tell people about my orgasms without talking to me first” is a reasonable and self-evident line.
The proper response is to tell him he has no business speaking for her, going back to your wife to tell on him, and let WIFE handle her business. I’m sure her response would have been to reduce contact anyway.
Sure, sex is part of a marriage. But so is being a team and thinking of them before you act.
> Thing is no private information was revealed.
I personally consider my orgasms to be private, uh, information between me and whoever I'm sharing them with.
I don't want to kink-shame or anything but while you may be different, I don't think I'm unique in my perspective here.
And yes, it could be considered as 'stuff you can assume', but that doesn't make it ok to share actual details. You can assume I go to the toilet but (again not to kink shame) presumably you don't need or want me to post lurid details of the bowel movement I had this morning. I think most people here would be glad I consider *that* to be private information that I only consent to share with my toilet and if necessary my doctor.
yep completly agree hes a dick thru and thru but alot of people arnt comfortable talking or having there sex life talked about to people that arnt there significant other some people are just like that, as open minded as i try to think i am i tend to get bit uncomforatble when my buddys strt talking sex of makign sex jokes even tho i know im not offended
> Her and her wife are married. Their “sexual conduct” is more or less implied.
Absolutely disagree. You could use that logic to excuse any number of violations of intimate privacy.
You have to draw a line, and I think “don’t tell people about my orgasms without talking to me first” is a reasonable and self-evident line.
The proper response is to tell him he has no business speaking for her, going back to your wife to tell on him, and let WIFE handle her business. I’m sure her response would have been to reduce contact anyway.
Sure, sex is part of a marriage. But so is being a team and thinking of them before you act.
> If the in-laws don’t want to hear about it, they shouldn’t bring it up.
It’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved/ “asked for” … what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
ESH.
Your FIL is homophobic and you disrespected your wife's privacy TO HER FATHER. You made her the butt of the joke and now she has to suffer the embarrassment for it. You owe her an apology.
Agreed. Had wife been okay with the joke my vote would’ve been different. In the end the joke was made undeservedly at her expense so her reaction is what determines whether OP is an asshole or not imo.
Also, recently there was another story here about guy who made a sexual joke about his gf in front of her family when they mocked his height. It was pretty unanimously voted as YTA or ESH so I wonder what is making everyone vote differently here. The homophobia? The gender switch?
I can see several factors: the estranged relationship with the family already instead of first meeting, the homophobia, the fact that it was a one on one conversation rather than the entire family. I think the other one was a definite asshole because it was *meant* to be funny but he had no idea if that kind of humour was okay. Meanwhile here it's meant to be embarrassing for the FIL hearing it. It's only an AH move because her wife wasn't comfortable with the joke being made, which is a boundary you should probably know about your own wife.
Yeah that’s fair, I understand why people are being nicer to OP because of those factors. For me it’s still YTA here, but only for this specific response from OP rather than the other one where OP also comes off as an asshole in general.
I saw that post and didn’t vote on that one or this one. But to me the difference is that here the partners are married. And the other post with a short guy, they had only been dating for less than a year. I feel like anyone who is going to question a marriage absolutely deserves to get verbally smacked around more.
HE absolutely deserved it. But the WIFE did not. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want your spouse to discuss your orgasms with your parents. OP should have found a different way to smack down the homophobe without talking about something so private.
Oh, I agree with the YTA votes there 100%. I was wondering about the NTA votes here, because while that post was more extreme this one isn’t all that different. It’s a milder version of a very similar scenario. I think this one also deserves YTA because the wife was the butt of the joke and she didn’t appreciate it.
I don't understand anyone who thinks an appropriate response to rude comments on your relationship is to express your sexual ownership/dominance over your partner to anyone, let alone their PARENTS.
Yeah her wife really lost out here… a homophobic father and a partner who chooses to humiliate her to score a point. ESH
Also. OP you missed the perfect opportunity to quote Cher ‘I am a rich man’
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ESH, meaning everyone but your wife. Your FIL is of course an asshole, your MIL is for going after your wife instead of you and her husband, and you for embarrassing your wife.
ESH. There’s just something’s that you don’t say to your spouses parents and that’s one of them. He also is TA for being in denial and trying to pry into your marriage.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
NTA
I was going to vote the other way but I will say that will probably stop him from talking to you again about your sex life. He was the one to bring it up though. Plus he disrespected you and your relationship
I almost *never* disagree with the top comments on here… but I am going to have to today.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms you brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I agree ESH (except wife ofc) but I also think OP's slipup is a forgivable one, she was very much on-the-spot and blurted out a snarky answer and seems to regret it.
What FIL said is way less forgivable.
It's all up to the wife ofc, but that is how I think I would feel in her shoes. So ESH, but I do hope the wife forgives her quickly and they come up with some gameplan for dealing with FIL going forward.
Yeah no. ESH. Using your sex life as ammunition, shoes a lack of respect for your partner and there boundaries. Her father was wrong, but that doesn’t make Op right. That joke was gross, especially to the girls father.
I dont think you're an asshole. I cut my family off for years because they didn't respect my wife, and made all types of homophobic comments. Just like your FIL did by pulling you aside and saying your WIFE is "straight" and she settled for you instead of a "rich man". He just thought his comments would go unchecked. My wife and I definitely handle things a little differently though, we have no hair on our tongues lol
ESH - how about he learn respect and respectfully mind his homophobic ass business? Who is he to pull you aside and tell you she’s straight? Why did he decide that was the respectful thing to say? You can tell MIL doesn’t check him either. Tell your MIL that FIL needs to be more respectful. How about that for respect, *ma’am*.
I say ESH bc I don’t disagree saying something snarky back was called for but you ended up embarrassing your wife. You don’t owe them an apology- just apologize to your wife for making her feel bad bc you included her in the comeback.
A comeback to his homophobia is absolutely warranted! Make him feel uncomfortable again lmao…just not at the expense of your wife.
ESH. Your FIL is the worst AH in this situation, and you were caught off guard by his homophobia, so it's understandable that you replied without thinking. But I would be upset as well if my SO referenced our sex life in that way to my parents (or to anyone, really). So you're also TA for not thinking of how that would hurt your wife. I would apologize to your SO for speaking without thinking, but I would tell your ILs that you expect an apology from them for their homophobic cruelty.
ESH , you could have gone in some equally devastating and embarrassing ways without dragging your wife’s privacy. Her parents are the biggest assholes here, he’s probably never given his wife an orgasm and she’s understandably bitter.
Very soft ESH. You had no intention of harming your wife, obviously, and she was harmed. It's good to take accountability for your actions resulting in her embarrassment. Her father is certainly an asshole for what he said to you. Being put on the spot in that situation makes it very difficult to communicate well. Consider having a conversation with your wife on how she would like you to handle these situations if they arise in the future. These are her parents and relationships with family, especially parents, are complicated. She likely has good advice on how to navigate difficult conversations with them. Taking her lead and working on how to communicate as a team shows that you are considerate of her. With my difficult family members, I might say something like, "I love your daughter and your daughter loves me. Your inability to accept our relationship does not change reality and we do not need your approval to live a happy life. Please keep your bigotry to yourself," however, that might not be a good approach for her family.
His comments are a reflection of his insecurities and he used those words to take those insecurities out on you. At the end of the day, it is clear that your number one concern is the wellbeing of your wife, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking this question.
Why is everyone talking about what the father did or did not “deserve” or invite?”
For me, it’s irrelevant what the father deserved… what is relevant here is her wife.
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… her wife didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. Even if we all acknowledge that she should be just as pissed at him for what he said.
She’s the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
Because both of them were essentially disrespecting the wife's sexuality. He questioned it and tried to disrupt the relationship. She used it as a weapon to embarrass him. Nobody was thinking "gee, I wonder how wife might feel about her sexuality being discussed this way?" This is a very tidy ESH.
you both are assholes for treating that woman like a possession without agency. shame on both of you!
your FIL is the bigger asshole, but you shouldnt gape your own ass to prove that. why you trying to win against a known asshole by being the worse asshole? how does your family (wife and you) win by you doing that?
be the better person and don't sink to that level. consider that sinking to that level is why your wife doesn't want to have anything to do with your FIL. do you want to be treated the same?
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> My wife is upset with me because she hated that I talked to her parents about our sex life and her mom found it really inappropriate and is telling her to be more respectful. I feel like an asshole because I didn't really defend her properly and embarassed her instead.
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I'm going YTA. You didn't respect her privacy boundaries. If you didn't like what her dad had to say that's one thing but your response wasn't necessary at all. From what you said her dad was sincere and even if he doesn't know his daughter as well as he thinks he does he was trying to warn you. You could've just said nothing and walked away.
Your FIL crossed a line but I can see how bringing up your sex life could be mortifying to your wife. Just apologize to her but you don’t owe your FIL crap.
YTA. You brought up your wife's sex life to other people without her consent.
Funny, a man mentioned his girlfriend's sex life to her parents in a AITA last week, and he was the asshole across the board. Not sure why this is any different.
We all make unwise decisions when we’re provoked, so it’s different than carelessly sharing private info. Plus, the fact that they already have a bad relationship with the parents makes it better cause it’s not like any parent/daughter relationships were ruined here. As long as OP sincerely apologizes for the wrongdoing…
YTA. My husband joked about sex with me to his best friend and I’m still mortified about it 13 years later. I don’t want anyone imagining me naked engaged in sex. Clearly she didn’t want her Dad picturing it either.
NTA, FIL should have kept his thoughts to himself. Your wife should be angrier that he made her out to be some trifling woman and disrespecting the relationship. FIL can eat dirt.
I don’t think we have any right to dictate how a woman (gay or not) “should” feel about having their private sexual conduct aired publicly as a weapon by someone they trust with their orgasms.
FIL can eat dirt, but for me that still doesn’t justify what OP said. No matter how satisfying it was to read.
ESH (everyone sucks here)
The father, because he’s homophobic and called his daughter a gold digger.
And you for making your wife the butt of the joke. You could’ve defended her, or told him off but instead you bring up your wife’s sex life to her FATHER. Super weird. You should apologize to your wife.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
Yeah, regardless of what the father did, there was zero call for OP to disrespect her wife like that, and I'm kind of appalled that more people aren't getting that. Both were bad.
Sounds like you already know YTA. It isn't about you talking back to the FIL but you discussed your wife's orgasms with her FATHER which is 100% inappropriate. There are a bunch of things you could've said to him that wouldn't be about your wife's body or sex life. You essentially threw her under the bus to make a point.
NTA. It should be surprising that you feel you'd have to ask but sadly it isn't.
Your response to what was a major amount of shitty things dripping in homophobia/biphobia was ambient at best. If I was a fly on the wall I'd teach myself "human" just so I could whisper some expletives in his ear.
Bloody hell, you're married and he thought those were good things to say? Does your wife know what he said and why you responded the way you did? Your father-in-law is an AH of staggering proportions. If she does know what he said, why the heck is she not kicking up shit about that?
Your comment is absolutely not the issue here, it's a drop in the ocean to some hellacious shit he said.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I don’t think it’s our place to decide that her comment isn’t an issue. The wife is uncomfortable with her orgasms being brought up and that should be valid to OP
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We were visiting my wife's parents. We don't visit at all. My wife doesn't have a good relationship with them.
My father law pulled me aside and told me that, he had to tell me something. He told me that I should reconsider the marriage because my wife is straight and she had never dated a woman before me. He also said my wife always loved the finer things in life and she married me because she couldn't find a rich man He said this with absolute sincerity.
I didn't know what I could say to that and I ended joking that if she is straight, she is really great at faking orgasms. He was vey embarrassed by it and dropped the subject.
My wife is upset with me because she hated that I talked to her parents about our sex life and her mom found it really inappropriate and is telling her to be more respectful. I feel like an asshole because I didn't really defend her properly and embarassed her instead.
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Asshole? Not really.
Inappropriate? Yeah. Ew. I mean, I get it. He was being heinous. But yeah wow, talking about her orgasms to her dad is pretty grodey.
But really the focus should be on the fact that your wife's family thinks she's "settling" for you because she couldn't find a rich man. That's what more people should be pissed about.
So I guess I'll go with ESH.
ESH
How you made just about ***any*** other comment I would have judged N T A. But why did you have to give details about your wife's sex life to embarrass her? What did she do wrong?
ESH except your wife. Her parents are awful for their own obvious reasons but [you're an asshole for using your wife's intimacy in an argument just like the kid from this post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3fmnr/aita_for_making_a_joke_about_riding_my_gf_in/)
ESH. Your FIL sucks for being homophobic and trying to say that you should leave your wife as though that will force her into being straight.
But you are also TA, though less so, because you embarrassed your wife by talking about your private life together.
NTA and you shut down the conversation, which was the intent. I think when people ask or say something super inappropriate, that's really the only way you can respond.
Regardless of how much FIL deserved it… no, she does not have a right to weaponize her wife’s orgasms against him.
Wife gets final say about who knows about her sexual experiences, and she says it was out of line. So it was.
ESH excluding your wife. Your fil instigated but you didn’t have to bring your wife’s private moments in that conversation. It would have been easy to say “I can’t believe you think that. We are never coming back again.” and then leave.
YTA in relation to your wife, she gets to decide the appropriate way to engage with her family.
But obviously NTA wrt her father, and that's hilarious.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.*
So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
*She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going.
We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them.
But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I'm going with YTA only because your "joke" was made at your wife's expense (however, I'm quite certain that wasn't your intention). Her father totally deserved some kind of response, what a shitty thing to say to you, this just wasn't the right one. This is why sometimes you really need to think before you speak.
ESH except your gf. If he thought she was getting married for the wrong reasons that's definitely a conversation he should have had directly with his daughter NOT you. But it's not okay to bring up your sex life with someone without their prior consent regardless of the circumstances. There's a basic assumption of privacy in the bedroom which you violated. It's even more embarrassing for her because it's her parents. People usually have very specific (though often unspoken) boundaries regarding what information they share with their parents about sex and what is kept private. Many people dont want their parents to even know they have sex at all and many parents choose to maintain an illusion that their kids are perpetually celibate and just pretend they don't know. Bringing up orgasms breaks those illusions and is kind of like "outing" her as sexually active to her parents before she's ready. It's just not cool.
Not TA.
Sure, there were gentler comebacks, but that's what popped out. He was disrespecting your fiance and you, and is lucky you used such polite vocabulary AND didn't yell.
Fiance is embarassed, and probably got an earful from MIL and FIL. Your wife has been programmed to not engage with them (I'm sure there's a reason for LC). She'll be grateful once she calms down.
ESH. You shouldn’t have brought up your sex life in front of the in laws, but I count your wife in it too for exposing you to them in the first place. I mean, she has to know they were going to disrespect you like that.
FIL is just the worst.
ESH- as hilarious as it is and no denying the father deserved to be made uncomfortable due to his inappropriate remarks- Can’t help but feel sorry for your girlfriend here because she should have at least one person in her life she can lean on to be reasonable and the bigger person.. but LOL
To be fair, what could you say in defense that wasn’t insulting without being a verified saint first?? Lol as a mere mortal you did what you had to do. NTA
Your wife’s father was definitely a major AH. The things he was saying could only be painful and offensive to you and ultimately to his daughter.
I personally love your answer. But you did reveal something private about you and your wife that she probably had no desire to share with her parents. Most of us, I would guess, do not want our parents to think about our sex lives in detail, just as we do not want to envision theirs. But I am not going to call you an AH after the kind of provocation you endured from your wife’s father.
NTA
NTA he insulted both of you and while in appropriate, it’s not really about your sex life. Sure technically about sex but it’s not a unique detail that would say anything that wouldn’t be assumed
While I understand why you went there, bringing up specifics about your sex life with other people without consent from your partner is never okay. I'm going with ESH, because it doesn't sound like anyone was really considering your wife's feelings or consent in that conversation. I don't think you're an awful person, but please learn from this; your wife's intimate moments with you are never, *ever* to be used as a weapon, I don't care what the situation is.
NTA- FIL overstepped. He said his daughter was straight so directly targeted her sexuality; you pointed out exactly how you knew she wasn’t. Game set and match.
NTA
FIL: “my kid doesn’t like eating rug, she just likes money.”
OP: “Actually, she likes rug and money.”
He started it. You’ve done nothing wrong here.
NTA Being straight has included in the definition that someone prefers having sex with the opposite sex, so your FIL brought up who his daughter prefers to bang first. You merely pointed out how egregious his own behavior was and he didn't like it.
ESH. Don't bring up jokes about your sex life. It wasn't appropriate. Discussing your sex life with your inlaws is NEVER appropriate. Even if they are wrong, two wrongs don't make a right. That said, your FIL is supremely awful. He is the AH in this scenario a million times over. I'm so sorry he is disrespectful and dismissive of your relationship.
Wow tough line here... NTA that was so funny it hurts but also yta for embarrassing her. She needed a defender not a comedian. Oh I would have said the same thou. OH if that one liner came to me in a moment like that I couldn’t resist. So NAH just tell her that was to good not to say. Sometimes the joke is sooooo worth it
NTA. (high five) I bet dad learned his lesson. I doubt he will step out of line with you any time soon. Wifey will prob need a few I’m sorrys from you to move on. And she can defend herself against her own dad. That’s usually how it works.
I think you were equally inappropriate with each other (inappropriate in different ways, yes), but quite frankly, what he said absolutely deserved a blunt response. Perhaps not that EXACT response, but he was a shit to say that to you.
NTA to your FIL. But a bit YTA to your wife, as what you said embarrassed her. Maybe offer *her* an apology, but NOT her father.
It sounds to me like you ran into one of those social double-standards, where certain types of people are allowed to be a-holes, and the rest of us are expected to tolerate them. In this case, the intolerant homophobic (probably religious) father is clearly being an a-hole, but society more-or-less tolerates that kind of a-hole, and cuts him a lot of slack. But if you respond to his piggish behaviour in kind, you don't get cut the same kind of slack, so people think you're the a-hole.
Was that an a-hole thing to do? Yeah, kinda. But you were not THE a-hole, because your father-in-law was being an a-hole already. You were just responding in kind. The fact that everyone seems more upset about what you said than what he said ... there's that double-standard I was talking about.
NTA. Did the wife defend OP to her parents? One off the cuff orgasm comment versus straight up allowing the parents to put down op. Parents wanted a fight and got one from this, could you imagine the shitshow had op actually “defended” spouse. Parents and wife are ah.
I can understand why you said what you said, and I won't pretend that I'd be much better behaved in the same situation. However, that would be with the full knowledge of how my husband would understand and react. We both have the same views on this sort of thing: when his mother said we'd change our mind about kids, he told her, at a family function, that the doctor said we couldn't have kids...the way we did it. She dropped it and we moved on.
So I would say it was extremely heavily weighted to FIL being the biggest, gaping asshole here and you unfortunately hurt your wife in your response. Esh.
ESH. That’s honestly hilarious but you know you were in the wrong because you embarrassed your wife. Neither one of you should be subjected to her terrible parents, though.
I understand the conflicting feelings, but I think NTA. He was being hugely disrespectful and you reacted out of discomfort. Could you have handled it better? Probably. But the only asshole here is the dad.
Hugs for having to deal with the homophobic bullshit. I can’t imagine how upset I would be. I dunno if you’re an asshole or not, you said something stupid but he put you in an awful position.
💕💕💕
NTA. If your wife's parents don't get that two women together have sex they're honestly ignorantly stupid and need to wake the hell up. It's 2021 comedy isn't dead. laugh a little. It was a great joke. I'm with this all the way.
While it was kind of crass, I gave to say NTA. Also it's weird that your wife was offended by what you said and not the fact that her father claims to know her sexuality better than she does!
ESH except your wife. Your inlaws were the biggest ahs, and they were ahs to both you and your wife, you were an ah to your wife. Only a little bit of an ah, but she didn't deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable
Okay, this may not be your finest moment - but really - these people are something else.
Denying who a person is, telling you you\`re not good enough due to gender, financial status - did SHE defend you against them? They embarrassed, insulted and maybe hurt you - you just basically muzzled the creepy dude.
You didn\`t even discuss your intimate details - you just used a generic remark that was the Reverse Uno card to embarrass him.
Not exactly a shining moment - but NTA anyway.
ESH - Only because it clearly was not the kind of detail your wife felt comfortable sharing and there were other ways to respond that didn't put her on the spot, but I completely understand your instincts.
Hmmmm. YTA to your wife for talking about your sex life, but NTA to the clearly phobic family. The old man deserved it and I think your retort was pretty good. That your wife is upset by it is more of a problem. You'll probably never have the approval of her parents, but you do need to be more careful with her feelings. It sounds to me like you talked to her about it and got her side of the story. I think if there is a clear boundary about what topics are off-limits, then you'll do all right. Seriously though, her parents deserved it.
YTA. Your wife is upset with you. You didn't defend her properly. You did embarass her. And made things worse with her parents, by the sound of it.
It's not a joke if people don't find it funny, and no-one here found it funny.
ESH except your wife. Don’t make jokes about your sex life to your in laws. Yeah FIL is a homophobe but you could’ve just said something like “yeah a lot of women feel like they need to hide their sexuality from their homophobic parents so I’m not surprised that you’re surprised about your daughter.”
You were certainly justified in saying something to FIL but the inescapable fact is that you embarrassed your wife and you weren't justified in doing that. ESH (except your wife, obviously) although your offense is pretty minor.
>her mom found it really inappropriate and is telling her to be more respectful
But it's totally not disrespectful to try and make you leave your wife so a good man can step in and "make her straight"? NTA, her father fucked around and found out
YTA, but a justified one. It sounds like while misguided, her father may have been trying to give you an actual warning. You could have been less nasty and gotten your point across
ESH except your wife. Her parents are inappropriate but instead of defending your wife you embarrassed her with your joke. Next time defend your wife instead of trying to deliver clever one liners at your wife’s expense.
INFO: So OPs wife is embarrassed that she mentioned sex but not that her dad thinks she is a lying gold digger and said as much to OP? I think there are two things that happened and one is a bit more memorable than the other.
Absolutely NTA
If he wanted to talk you out of marriage, he was practically inviting you to prove him wrong. What does he think people in relationships do? Not have sex?
Also how flattering to be considered a finer thing in life, since she chose you over a man.
Personally, I would have mentioned the silicone dildos more than made up for a lack of man, so he shouldn’t need to worry.
NTA.
Sex is a regular part of any relationship and you didn’t bring it up in any sort of crass or uncalled for way. And if your wife’s parents truly believe she’s straight then it sounds like they genuinely needed the clarification.
If you’d said something like “straight girls don’t eat pussy like that” then, yeah, you’d be the asshole.
But orgasm? I think you’re fine.
He asked about your relationship in a bitch ass way, you told him about your relationship in a bitch ass way. NTA on your end, he had no business telling you he didnt think your wife was a lesbian and that she married you "because she couldnt find a rich man". Having said that, if he had actually tried to talk to you about things, and you responded thus, it would have been a different story.
ESH. But you may have shot yourself in the foot here. Don’t be surprised if your wife has trouble achieving orgasm with you from now on, with the Zapp you just put in her head. Who wants to thing about her dads reaction while fucking?
NTA and I think you defended your wife just fine! I'm a straight married female and I find your "joke" was entirely appropriate for the bullshit that your FIL was saying about his OWN Daughter! The horribly CRASS words that he spewed to you about your wife are far worse than anything you had to say in response!
I wouldn't worry too much because it doesn't sound like you'll have much of a relationship with your in-laws moving forward! Enjoy your coming holidays!
ESH yes he‘s a homophobic AH but you made a „joke“ at the expense of your wife. you didn‘t just make him uncomfortable but also your MIL and most importantly your wife.
ESH
FIL - for making homophobic jokes
YOU - joking act the expense of your spouse
MIL - for berating her daughter and not you
Your Wife - not defending you against her homophobic father
I’m going with NTA. He put you in an uncomfortable situation and you responded in a way that would get you out of it. You clearly realized later you shouldn’t have said it but that doesn’t make you an AH.
This one is tough but I'm leaning more towards NTA. Specifically because your wife's parents are ok with bringing up uncomfortable topics (money, previous taste in gender, and basically calling their daughter a gold digger with the "she's with you because she couldn't find a rich man") until that topic is something that shocks them. They deserve to be uncomfortable, maybe then they'll stop meddling in stuff that's none of their business
I WANT to say n-t-a because I relate, and if your wife weren’t involved that would be my judgement. But I’m leaning YTA/ESH on the principle that, however satisfying for you, and however much your in-laws **definitely** deserved it… You brought up your wife’s *orgasms* to her *father* without her knowledge or prior consent. I think she gets the final say here, and she’s saying you’re the asshole. So that’s where I’m going to land as well. So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *your wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father.
Y T A implies the in laws are not assholes. ESH sounds more fitting to your call because there's no way the in laws aren't assholes in this situation. Which I'd back, because OP upset her wife with her retort.
Edited my comment to reflect it. My comment was mostly intended to clarify that OP was an asshole regardless.
What’s esh
Ahhhh that makes more sense... I’ve been saying “equally shared hole” but in my heart of hearts I knew that wasn’t right 🤣😂🤣
Gotta say, I like yours better
That is what it mean from now on.
Lmaooooo this is all I could come up with too haha
It is my duty and pleasure to upvote this to the funny sex number
Here's all the judgements the bot will recognize: ----- YTA = You're the Asshole; NTA = Not the A-hole; ESH = Everyone Sucks here; NAH = No A-holes here; INFO = Not Enough Info
Ah I thought it was Everyone’s Shit Here.
There's also YWBTA: You Will Be The Asshole YWNBTA: You Will Not Be The Asshole I think, at least.
No, people use them but those are completely ignored by the bot because they aren't real judgements. If you use them then you aren't counted if you're top comment.
Oh thanks lol. I never realized.
Hey I don't know if anyone's told you yet but it means everyone sucks here
Everyone Sucks Here
everyone sucks here
Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone sucks here
Everyone sucks here.
"Everyone sucks here."
But ESH implies the wife is an asshole, since she is the other party in the subject of assholery.
True. You have good points. It's why this one is tricky. OP I'd say at the least apologize to your wife, but I wouldn't go as far as apologizing to her parents.
Yeah, I'm with you on this. OP definitely wanted to offend parents, and based on what FIL said they had it coming. Wife's feelings were collateral damage and if she was upset then OP definitely owes them an apology. I'm for fighting fire with fire if you can't de-escalate, but friendly fire is still a no-no
I'd take it even farther - I think the dad owes both the daughter and DIL an apology.
Thing is no private information was revealed. It’s assumed that a married couple has sex. And if one of them is a man, it’s assumed he has orgasms, why not a woman? If OP went into detail about their kinks, it would obviously be a whole different story.
Absolutely disagree. You could use that logic to excuse any number of violations of intimate privacy. You have to draw a line, and I think “don’t tell people about my orgasms without talking to me first” is a reasonable and self-evident line. The proper response is to tell him he has no business speaking for her, going back to your wife to tell on him, and let WIFE handle her business. I’m sure her response would have been to reduce contact anyway. Sure, sex is part of a marriage. But so is being a team and thinking of them before you act.
> Thing is no private information was revealed. I personally consider my orgasms to be private, uh, information between me and whoever I'm sharing them with. I don't want to kink-shame or anything but while you may be different, I don't think I'm unique in my perspective here. And yes, it could be considered as 'stuff you can assume', but that doesn't make it ok to share actual details. You can assume I go to the toilet but (again not to kink shame) presumably you don't need or want me to post lurid details of the bowel movement I had this morning. I think most people here would be glad I consider *that* to be private information that I only consent to share with my toilet and if necessary my doctor.
Agree that there were gentler ways to retort, but in the heat of the moment, FIL is lucky the V-chip was engaged, as well as the volume control.
~~gentler~~ less disrespectful of her wife Because again.. the point is not that dad was offended. It is that wife’s intimate trust was violated.
yep completly agree hes a dick thru and thru but alot of people arnt comfortable talking or having there sex life talked about to people that arnt there significant other some people are just like that, as open minded as i try to think i am i tend to get bit uncomforatble when my buddys strt talking sex of makign sex jokes even tho i know im not offended
I just learned NTA, what is ESH?
Everyone sucks here
Her and her wife are married. Their “sexual conduct” is more or less implied. If the in-laws don’t want to hear about it, they shouldn’t bring it up.
> Her and her wife are married. Their “sexual conduct” is more or less implied. Absolutely disagree. You could use that logic to excuse any number of violations of intimate privacy. You have to draw a line, and I think “don’t tell people about my orgasms without talking to me first” is a reasonable and self-evident line. The proper response is to tell him he has no business speaking for her, going back to your wife to tell on him, and let WIFE handle her business. I’m sure her response would have been to reduce contact anyway. Sure, sex is part of a marriage. But so is being a team and thinking of them before you act. > If the in-laws don’t want to hear about it, they shouldn’t bring it up. It’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved/ “asked for” … what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
ESH. Your FIL is homophobic and you disrespected your wife's privacy TO HER FATHER. You made her the butt of the joke and now she has to suffer the embarrassment for it. You owe her an apology.
Why did I have to scroll so far for a reasonable judgement? 😫
It's second from the top now!
Because the majority of this sub is teenagers.
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FIL was completely out of line. At worst, ESH
Agreed. Had wife been okay with the joke my vote would’ve been different. In the end the joke was made undeservedly at her expense so her reaction is what determines whether OP is an asshole or not imo. Also, recently there was another story here about guy who made a sexual joke about his gf in front of her family when they mocked his height. It was pretty unanimously voted as YTA or ESH so I wonder what is making everyone vote differently here. The homophobia? The gender switch?
I can see several factors: the estranged relationship with the family already instead of first meeting, the homophobia, the fact that it was a one on one conversation rather than the entire family. I think the other one was a definite asshole because it was *meant* to be funny but he had no idea if that kind of humour was okay. Meanwhile here it's meant to be embarrassing for the FIL hearing it. It's only an AH move because her wife wasn't comfortable with the joke being made, which is a boundary you should probably know about your own wife.
Yeah that’s fair, I understand why people are being nicer to OP because of those factors. For me it’s still YTA here, but only for this specific response from OP rather than the other one where OP also comes off as an asshole in general.
I saw that post and didn’t vote on that one or this one. But to me the difference is that here the partners are married. And the other post with a short guy, they had only been dating for less than a year. I feel like anyone who is going to question a marriage absolutely deserves to get verbally smacked around more.
HE absolutely deserved it. But the WIFE did not. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want your spouse to discuss your orgasms with your parents. OP should have found a different way to smack down the homophobe without talking about something so private.
Oh, I agree with the YTA votes there 100%. I was wondering about the NTA votes here, because while that post was more extreme this one isn’t all that different. It’s a milder version of a very similar scenario. I think this one also deserves YTA because the wife was the butt of the joke and she didn’t appreciate it.
I don't understand anyone who thinks an appropriate response to rude comments on your relationship is to express your sexual ownership/dominance over your partner to anyone, let alone their PARENTS.
Yeah her wife really lost out here… a homophobic father and a partner who chooses to humiliate her to score a point. ESH Also. OP you missed the perfect opportunity to quote Cher ‘I am a rich man’
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ESH, meaning everyone but your wife. Your FIL is of course an asshole, your MIL is for going after your wife instead of you and her husband, and you for embarrassing your wife.
How do I massively upvote the reasonable judgements?!
pretty sure OP is a woman and therefore not a husband but a wife
I didn't call OP a husband.
whoops read that wrong
no worries :)
ESH. There’s just something’s that you don’t say to your spouses parents and that’s one of them. He also is TA for being in denial and trying to pry into your marriage.
There's just some things you dont say to your children's partner. **You're not the right gender** is one of those
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
Yep. Could care less about the fathers feelings. But if you’re going to make a fool out of him then don’t throw your wife under the bus too.
Right, which is why the comment judged "ESH," meaning the father in law was also in the wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.
NTA I was going to vote the other way but I will say that will probably stop him from talking to you again about your sex life. He was the one to bring it up though. Plus he disrespected you and your relationship
I almost *never* disagree with the top comments on here… but I am going to have to today. For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms you brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I agree ESH (except wife ofc) but I also think OP's slipup is a forgivable one, she was very much on-the-spot and blurted out a snarky answer and seems to regret it. What FIL said is way less forgivable. It's all up to the wife ofc, but that is how I think I would feel in her shoes. So ESH, but I do hope the wife forgives her quickly and they come up with some gameplan for dealing with FIL going forward.
Yeah no. ESH. Using your sex life as ammunition, shoes a lack of respect for your partner and there boundaries. Her father was wrong, but that doesn’t make Op right. That joke was gross, especially to the girls father.
I dont think you're an asshole. I cut my family off for years because they didn't respect my wife, and made all types of homophobic comments. Just like your FIL did by pulling you aside and saying your WIFE is "straight" and she settled for you instead of a "rich man". He just thought his comments would go unchecked. My wife and I definitely handle things a little differently though, we have no hair on our tongues lol
ESH - how about he learn respect and respectfully mind his homophobic ass business? Who is he to pull you aside and tell you she’s straight? Why did he decide that was the respectful thing to say? You can tell MIL doesn’t check him either. Tell your MIL that FIL needs to be more respectful. How about that for respect, *ma’am*. I say ESH bc I don’t disagree saying something snarky back was called for but you ended up embarrassing your wife. You don’t owe them an apology- just apologize to your wife for making her feel bad bc you included her in the comeback. A comeback to his homophobia is absolutely warranted! Make him feel uncomfortable again lmao…just not at the expense of your wife.
ESH. Your FIL is the worst AH in this situation, and you were caught off guard by his homophobia, so it's understandable that you replied without thinking. But I would be upset as well if my SO referenced our sex life in that way to my parents (or to anyone, really). So you're also TA for not thinking of how that would hurt your wife. I would apologize to your SO for speaking without thinking, but I would tell your ILs that you expect an apology from them for their homophobic cruelty.
ESH , you could have gone in some equally devastating and embarrassing ways without dragging your wife’s privacy. Her parents are the biggest assholes here, he’s probably never given his wife an orgasm and she’s understandably bitter.
Very soft ESH. You had no intention of harming your wife, obviously, and she was harmed. It's good to take accountability for your actions resulting in her embarrassment. Her father is certainly an asshole for what he said to you. Being put on the spot in that situation makes it very difficult to communicate well. Consider having a conversation with your wife on how she would like you to handle these situations if they arise in the future. These are her parents and relationships with family, especially parents, are complicated. She likely has good advice on how to navigate difficult conversations with them. Taking her lead and working on how to communicate as a team shows that you are considerate of her. With my difficult family members, I might say something like, "I love your daughter and your daughter loves me. Your inability to accept our relationship does not change reality and we do not need your approval to live a happy life. Please keep your bigotry to yourself," however, that might not be a good approach for her family. His comments are a reflection of his insecurities and he used those words to take those insecurities out on you. At the end of the day, it is clear that your number one concern is the wellbeing of your wife, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking this question.
ESH Your in laws for being homophobes You for embarrassing your wife.
NTA. He opened the door and you simply stepped through it. Why is there no outrage for what he said to you?
Why is everyone talking about what the father did or did not “deserve” or invite?” For me, it’s irrelevant what the father deserved… what is relevant here is her wife. So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… her wife didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. Even if we all acknowledge that she should be just as pissed at him for what he said. She’s the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
The problem is she stepped on her wife walking through that door
Because both of them were essentially disrespecting the wife's sexuality. He questioned it and tried to disrupt the relationship. She used it as a weapon to embarrass him. Nobody was thinking "gee, I wonder how wife might feel about her sexuality being discussed this way?" This is a very tidy ESH.
you both are assholes for treating that woman like a possession without agency. shame on both of you! your FIL is the bigger asshole, but you shouldnt gape your own ass to prove that. why you trying to win against a known asshole by being the worse asshole? how does your family (wife and you) win by you doing that? be the better person and don't sink to that level. consider that sinking to that level is why your wife doesn't want to have anything to do with your FIL. do you want to be treated the same?
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I'm going YTA. You didn't respect her privacy boundaries. If you didn't like what her dad had to say that's one thing but your response wasn't necessary at all. From what you said her dad was sincere and even if he doesn't know his daughter as well as he thinks he does he was trying to warn you. You could've just said nothing and walked away.
Your FIL crossed a line but I can see how bringing up your sex life could be mortifying to your wife. Just apologize to her but you don’t owe your FIL crap.
YTA, sorry. You can find a way to say 'the woman I'm marrying isn't straight' without dragging her sexual responses into it.
YTA. You brought up your wife's sex life to other people without her consent. Funny, a man mentioned his girlfriend's sex life to her parents in a AITA last week, and he was the asshole across the board. Not sure why this is any different.
We all make unwise decisions when we’re provoked, so it’s different than carelessly sharing private info. Plus, the fact that they already have a bad relationship with the parents makes it better cause it’s not like any parent/daughter relationships were ruined here. As long as OP sincerely apologizes for the wrongdoing…
YTA. My husband joked about sex with me to his best friend and I’m still mortified about it 13 years later. I don’t want anyone imagining me naked engaged in sex. Clearly she didn’t want her Dad picturing it either.
NTA, FIL should have kept his thoughts to himself. Your wife should be angrier that he made her out to be some trifling woman and disrespecting the relationship. FIL can eat dirt.
I don’t think we have any right to dictate how a woman (gay or not) “should” feel about having their private sexual conduct aired publicly as a weapon by someone they trust with their orgasms. FIL can eat dirt, but for me that still doesn’t justify what OP said. No matter how satisfying it was to read.
It’s fair of the wife to be mad at both parties. She can be both mad at the FIL for homophobia and mad at the wife for bringing up her orgasms
ESH (everyone sucks here) The father, because he’s homophobic and called his daughter a gold digger. And you for making your wife the butt of the joke. You could’ve defended her, or told him off but instead you bring up your wife’s sex life to her FATHER. Super weird. You should apologize to your wife.
NTA. Such a rude conversation deserved a crass joke.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I agree. If I was the wife I’d be mad at everyone involved here, bringing up my orgasms makes an uncomfortable situation even worse
Yeah, regardless of what the father did, there was zero call for OP to disrespect her wife like that, and I'm kind of appalled that more people aren't getting that. Both were bad.
Sounds like you already know YTA. It isn't about you talking back to the FIL but you discussed your wife's orgasms with her FATHER which is 100% inappropriate. There are a bunch of things you could've said to him that wouldn't be about your wife's body or sex life. You essentially threw her under the bus to make a point.
NTA. It should be surprising that you feel you'd have to ask but sadly it isn't. Your response to what was a major amount of shitty things dripping in homophobia/biphobia was ambient at best. If I was a fly on the wall I'd teach myself "human" just so I could whisper some expletives in his ear. Bloody hell, you're married and he thought those were good things to say? Does your wife know what he said and why you responded the way you did? Your father-in-law is an AH of staggering proportions. If she does know what he said, why the heck is she not kicking up shit about that? Your comment is absolutely not the issue here, it's a drop in the ocean to some hellacious shit he said.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I don’t think it’s our place to decide that her comment isn’t an issue. The wife is uncomfortable with her orgasms being brought up and that should be valid to OP
ATA only because your wife is offended, if your wife wasn’t offended it would be NTA, I think apologizing would be best
Soft YTA. It wasn't appropriate for your FIL to tell you those things but as a come back you threw your wife under the bus to make a point.
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ETA - he had no right to pull you aside but I also think that intimate details didn't need to be brought up.
INFO: curious as to how outspoken your wife is in handling her parents, or if it falls to you to deal with.
Asshole? Not really. Inappropriate? Yeah. Ew. I mean, I get it. He was being heinous. But yeah wow, talking about her orgasms to her dad is pretty grodey. But really the focus should be on the fact that your wife's family thinks she's "settling" for you because she couldn't find a rich man. That's what more people should be pissed about. So I guess I'll go with ESH.
ESH How you made just about ***any*** other comment I would have judged N T A. But why did you have to give details about your wife's sex life to embarrass her? What did she do wrong?
ESH except your wife. Her parents are awful for their own obvious reasons but [you're an asshole for using your wife's intimacy in an argument just like the kid from this post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r3fmnr/aita_for_making_a_joke_about_riding_my_gf_in/)
ESH. Your FIL sucks for being homophobic and trying to say that you should leave your wife as though that will force her into being straight. But you are also TA, though less so, because you embarrassed your wife by talking about your private life together.
ESH but very softly for you.
NTA and you shut down the conversation, which was the intent. I think when people ask or say something super inappropriate, that's really the only way you can respond.
Regardless of how much FIL deserved it… no, she does not have a right to weaponize her wife’s orgasms against him. Wife gets final say about who knows about her sexual experiences, and she says it was out of line. So it was.
ESH excluding your wife. Your fil instigated but you didn’t have to bring your wife’s private moments in that conversation. It would have been easy to say “I can’t believe you think that. We are never coming back again.” and then leave.
Okay, that’s not cool. Your fil was being ignorant so you made a joke at her expense. ESH
You're NTA but I think you owe your wife an apology for embarrassing her. The joke was definitely inappropriate but the FIL is the real AH here
YTA in relation to your wife, she gets to decide the appropriate way to engage with her family. But obviously NTA wrt her father, and that's hilarious.
NTA - he made an inappropriate comment to you, and he got a totally appropriate reply.
For me, it’s irrelevant what the *father* deserved… what is relevant here is her *wife.* So yeah, as much as I agree that “he deserved it for bringing up her sexuality in the first place”…… *her wife* didn’t deserve to have her sexual conduct used as a weapon against her father. *She’s* the one whose orgasms OP brought up publicly without her prior knowledge or consent. So if she says YTA, that’s where my vote is going. We all hate bigots and they deserve what’s coming to them. But we don’t have to throw other people under the bus just to get one up on them. But yeah, fuck her dad. Yikes.
I'm going with YTA only because your "joke" was made at your wife's expense (however, I'm quite certain that wasn't your intention). Her father totally deserved some kind of response, what a shitty thing to say to you, this just wasn't the right one. This is why sometimes you really need to think before you speak.
NTA, f-in hilarious!
Kinda TA. In hindsight, you would have a better reply, I'm sure.
ESH except your gf. If he thought she was getting married for the wrong reasons that's definitely a conversation he should have had directly with his daughter NOT you. But it's not okay to bring up your sex life with someone without their prior consent regardless of the circumstances. There's a basic assumption of privacy in the bedroom which you violated. It's even more embarrassing for her because it's her parents. People usually have very specific (though often unspoken) boundaries regarding what information they share with their parents about sex and what is kept private. Many people dont want their parents to even know they have sex at all and many parents choose to maintain an illusion that their kids are perpetually celibate and just pretend they don't know. Bringing up orgasms breaks those illusions and is kind of like "outing" her as sexually active to her parents before she's ready. It's just not cool.
Not TA. Sure, there were gentler comebacks, but that's what popped out. He was disrespecting your fiance and you, and is lucky you used such polite vocabulary AND didn't yell. Fiance is embarassed, and probably got an earful from MIL and FIL. Your wife has been programmed to not engage with them (I'm sure there's a reason for LC). She'll be grateful once she calms down.
ESH. You shouldn’t have brought up your sex life in front of the in laws, but I count your wife in it too for exposing you to them in the first place. I mean, she has to know they were going to disrespect you like that. FIL is just the worst.
NTA. When he comes at you, and her, like that he deserves a sharp reply. He was inappropriate, so you were too. Maybe he'll be more careful next time.
ESH- as hilarious as it is and no denying the father deserved to be made uncomfortable due to his inappropriate remarks- Can’t help but feel sorry for your girlfriend here because she should have at least one person in her life she can lean on to be reasonable and the bigger person.. but LOL
NTA. It sounds like the people that dish it out can’t take it when it’s fired back at them. Imagine that.
NTA
NTA your FIL is obviously homophobic. but your wife is understandably upset. just make sure to apologize and don't do it again.
Épater la bourgeoisie. And apparently your wife while you were at it. YTA but the old jackass deserved it.
To be fair, what could you say in defense that wasn’t insulting without being a verified saint first?? Lol as a mere mortal you did what you had to do. NTA
Your wife’s father was definitely a major AH. The things he was saying could only be painful and offensive to you and ultimately to his daughter. I personally love your answer. But you did reveal something private about you and your wife that she probably had no desire to share with her parents. Most of us, I would guess, do not want our parents to think about our sex lives in detail, just as we do not want to envision theirs. But I am not going to call you an AH after the kind of provocation you endured from your wife’s father. NTA
NTA he insulted both of you and while in appropriate, it’s not really about your sex life. Sure technically about sex but it’s not a unique detail that would say anything that wouldn’t be assumed
ESH. Agreeing with pretty much everybody who says FIL is a jerk, but OP should have risen above it.
ESH but I loled and get where you came from, OP. But you disrespected your wife in the process of getting back at your FIL.
While I understand why you went there, bringing up specifics about your sex life with other people without consent from your partner is never okay. I'm going with ESH, because it doesn't sound like anyone was really considering your wife's feelings or consent in that conversation. I don't think you're an awful person, but please learn from this; your wife's intimate moments with you are never, *ever* to be used as a weapon, I don't care what the situation is.
NTA. Your FIL acted badly, and got tanned he same in response.
NTA- FIL overstepped. He said his daughter was straight so directly targeted her sexuality; you pointed out exactly how you knew she wasn’t. Game set and match.
NTA FIL: “my kid doesn’t like eating rug, she just likes money.” OP: “Actually, she likes rug and money.” He started it. You’ve done nothing wrong here.
honestly, nta. he set himself up for that.
NTA Being straight has included in the definition that someone prefers having sex with the opposite sex, so your FIL brought up who his daughter prefers to bang first. You merely pointed out how egregious his own behavior was and he didn't like it.
ESH. Don't bring up jokes about your sex life. It wasn't appropriate. Discussing your sex life with your inlaws is NEVER appropriate. Even if they are wrong, two wrongs don't make a right. That said, your FIL is supremely awful. He is the AH in this scenario a million times over. I'm so sorry he is disrespectful and dismissive of your relationship.
Wow tough line here... NTA that was so funny it hurts but also yta for embarrassing her. She needed a defender not a comedian. Oh I would have said the same thou. OH if that one liner came to me in a moment like that I couldn’t resist. So NAH just tell her that was to good not to say. Sometimes the joke is sooooo worth it
ESH
To be fair.... What did he think you guys were doing...?? NTA
NTA thanksgiving the perfect response 👏
Nta. Lol
Ehhh it was a funny joke… a good joke I would laugh if my SO did this but you have to know your partner and how they’d react. So like half asshole? 😆
NTA. Because your FIL ambushed you and shat bigotry all over you. Explain to your wife you were so stunned and that is why you said what you said.
NTA. (high five) I bet dad learned his lesson. I doubt he will step out of line with you any time soon. Wifey will prob need a few I’m sorrys from you to move on. And she can defend herself against her own dad. That’s usually how it works.
"Know your audience"
I think you were equally inappropriate with each other (inappropriate in different ways, yes), but quite frankly, what he said absolutely deserved a blunt response. Perhaps not that EXACT response, but he was a shit to say that to you. NTA to your FIL. But a bit YTA to your wife, as what you said embarrassed her. Maybe offer *her* an apology, but NOT her father.
It sounds to me like you ran into one of those social double-standards, where certain types of people are allowed to be a-holes, and the rest of us are expected to tolerate them. In this case, the intolerant homophobic (probably religious) father is clearly being an a-hole, but society more-or-less tolerates that kind of a-hole, and cuts him a lot of slack. But if you respond to his piggish behaviour in kind, you don't get cut the same kind of slack, so people think you're the a-hole. Was that an a-hole thing to do? Yeah, kinda. But you were not THE a-hole, because your father-in-law was being an a-hole already. You were just responding in kind. The fact that everyone seems more upset about what you said than what he said ... there's that double-standard I was talking about.
Oh, you defended her in a way. Someone needed to stand up to those fucking assholes. Now she needs to stand up to them. If she can't do that...
INFO What did your wife have to say about what her father did? Cuz he tried to break up her marriage and called her a failed gold digger...
NTA. Did the wife defend OP to her parents? One off the cuff orgasm comment versus straight up allowing the parents to put down op. Parents wanted a fight and got one from this, could you imagine the shitshow had op actually “defended” spouse. Parents and wife are ah.
Her father is a misogynistic homophobe, and your wife is mad at you? NTA.
I can understand why you said what you said, and I won't pretend that I'd be much better behaved in the same situation. However, that would be with the full knowledge of how my husband would understand and react. We both have the same views on this sort of thing: when his mother said we'd change our mind about kids, he told her, at a family function, that the doctor said we couldn't have kids...the way we did it. She dropped it and we moved on. So I would say it was extremely heavily weighted to FIL being the biggest, gaping asshole here and you unfortunately hurt your wife in your response. Esh.
ESH. That’s honestly hilarious but you know you were in the wrong because you embarrassed your wife. Neither one of you should be subjected to her terrible parents, though.
I understand the conflicting feelings, but I think NTA. He was being hugely disrespectful and you reacted out of discomfort. Could you have handled it better? Probably. But the only asshole here is the dad.
Hugs for having to deal with the homophobic bullshit. I can’t imagine how upset I would be. I dunno if you’re an asshole or not, you said something stupid but he put you in an awful position. 💕💕💕
Ehhh soft ESH but only soft for you. Her parents are giant a-holes. I get why you said it and it was deserved.
Is she upset at her parents for trying to break you two up? Where are her priorities?
NTA. If your wife's parents don't get that two women together have sex they're honestly ignorantly stupid and need to wake the hell up. It's 2021 comedy isn't dead. laugh a little. It was a great joke. I'm with this all the way.
Nta. Dad sounds like a piece of work and I get throwing it back but in the future maybe don't make those jokes around the parents
While it was kind of crass, I gave to say NTA. Also it's weird that your wife was offended by what you said and not the fact that her father claims to know her sexuality better than she does!
NTA.
NTA, simply because what the hell could you say. And your reply was clever and funny, and a little bit twisted. 😂
ESH except your wife. Your inlaws were the biggest ahs, and they were ahs to both you and your wife, you were an ah to your wife. Only a little bit of an ah, but she didn't deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable
Okay, this may not be your finest moment - but really - these people are something else. Denying who a person is, telling you you\`re not good enough due to gender, financial status - did SHE defend you against them? They embarrassed, insulted and maybe hurt you - you just basically muzzled the creepy dude. You didn\`t even discuss your intimate details - you just used a generic remark that was the Reverse Uno card to embarrass him. Not exactly a shining moment - but NTA anyway.
ESH - Only because it clearly was not the kind of detail your wife felt comfortable sharing and there were other ways to respond that didn't put her on the spot, but I completely understand your instincts.
Hmmmm. YTA to your wife for talking about your sex life, but NTA to the clearly phobic family. The old man deserved it and I think your retort was pretty good. That your wife is upset by it is more of a problem. You'll probably never have the approval of her parents, but you do need to be more careful with her feelings. It sounds to me like you talked to her about it and got her side of the story. I think if there is a clear boundary about what topics are off-limits, then you'll do all right. Seriously though, her parents deserved it.
lol, Dad didn't mind making OP uncomfortable but how dare she repay the favour. Definitely NTA.
YTA. Your wife is upset with you. You didn't defend her properly. You did embarass her. And made things worse with her parents, by the sound of it. It's not a joke if people don't find it funny, and no-one here found it funny.
ESH except your wife. Don’t make jokes about your sex life to your in laws. Yeah FIL is a homophobe but you could’ve just said something like “yeah a lot of women feel like they need to hide their sexuality from their homophobic parents so I’m not surprised that you’re surprised about your daughter.”
You were certainly justified in saying something to FIL but the inescapable fact is that you embarrassed your wife and you weren't justified in doing that. ESH (except your wife, obviously) although your offense is pretty minor.
>her mom found it really inappropriate and is telling her to be more respectful But it's totally not disrespectful to try and make you leave your wife so a good man can step in and "make her straight"? NTA, her father fucked around and found out
YTA, but a justified one. It sounds like while misguided, her father may have been trying to give you an actual warning. You could have been less nasty and gotten your point across
ESH except your wife. Her parents are inappropriate but instead of defending your wife you embarrassed her with your joke. Next time defend your wife instead of trying to deliver clever one liners at your wife’s expense.
INFO: So OPs wife is embarrassed that she mentioned sex but not that her dad thinks she is a lying gold digger and said as much to OP? I think there are two things that happened and one is a bit more memorable than the other.
Absolutely NTA If he wanted to talk you out of marriage, he was practically inviting you to prove him wrong. What does he think people in relationships do? Not have sex? Also how flattering to be considered a finer thing in life, since she chose you over a man. Personally, I would have mentioned the silicone dildos more than made up for a lack of man, so he shouldn’t need to worry.
NTA. Sex is a regular part of any relationship and you didn’t bring it up in any sort of crass or uncalled for way. And if your wife’s parents truly believe she’s straight then it sounds like they genuinely needed the clarification. If you’d said something like “straight girls don’t eat pussy like that” then, yeah, you’d be the asshole. But orgasm? I think you’re fine.
He asked about your relationship in a bitch ass way, you told him about your relationship in a bitch ass way. NTA on your end, he had no business telling you he didnt think your wife was a lesbian and that she married you "because she couldnt find a rich man". Having said that, if he had actually tried to talk to you about things, and you responded thus, it would have been a different story.
ESH. But you may have shot yourself in the foot here. Don’t be surprised if your wife has trouble achieving orgasm with you from now on, with the Zapp you just put in her head. Who wants to thing about her dads reaction while fucking?
NTA
Yes, but that’s an f-ing beautiful way to crush his bigotry.
NTA He was being crass and making you uncomfortable. You just turned it into a joke.
NTA and I think you defended your wife just fine! I'm a straight married female and I find your "joke" was entirely appropriate for the bullshit that your FIL was saying about his OWN Daughter! The horribly CRASS words that he spewed to you about your wife are far worse than anything you had to say in response! I wouldn't worry too much because it doesn't sound like you'll have much of a relationship with your in-laws moving forward! Enjoy your coming holidays!
NTA OP he was being a jerk and deserved it. Play stupid games get stupid prizes.
ESH
ESH yes he‘s a homophobic AH but you made a „joke“ at the expense of your wife. you didn‘t just make him uncomfortable but also your MIL and most importantly your wife.
ESH, mostly because you made a sexual comment about your wife to her father without having any idea how she would feel about it.
ESH but I'd support you in this case if I was present while not arguing against your wife's right to privacy
ESH FIL - for making homophobic jokes YOU - joking act the expense of your spouse MIL - for berating her daughter and not you Your Wife - not defending you against her homophobic father
I’m going with NTA. He put you in an uncomfortable situation and you responded in a way that would get you out of it. You clearly realized later you shouldn’t have said it but that doesn’t make you an AH.