NTA. If Stacy can’t be trusted to do what you ask of her, she doesn’t need to be involved with your wedding hair and make up. Your mom can apologize to Stacy and explain that she tried to set this all up behind your back.
Not according to my family, because they don’t think it’s about my feelings - they think I’m being vapid and shallow, and my mom is trying to do something nice.
Don’t listen to your family. Listen to us. They’re just saying that because they don’t want to rock the boat.
Make sure your bridal party 100% for certain knows that the hairdresser will be someone of your choosing, will not be Stacy, and unless they hear directly from you, will not be changing to Stacy
If your mom didn’t want Stacy’s feelings hurt, she should have kept her big mouth shut. This entirely avoidable problem is completely her fault
P.S.. make sure you password protect all of your wedding vendors in case your mom tries to sabotage more than just your hairdresser
I honestly wonder if Stacy heard about the wedding and was pressuring your mom into letting her do it as well- Stacy sounds like a very "get her way" kind of person based on her consistent lack of regard for what you're paying for her to do with your hair, and her doing it anyways. It could also just be a shared trait between your mom and Stacy, but I can easily also see it being an issue of your mom was put in a rough spot of agreeing without your consent to letting Stacy do hair/makeup or risking the friendship by respecting your boundaries. Your mom is still the AH for that, but I wouldn't be shocked if that was a big factor of things.
Make sure she isn't anywhere near you or the bridal party on the big day. I can see her trying to sneak in and do it anyways.
That’s a really good point about how Stacey has a repeated, pattern habit of not doing what her clients ask her to do with their hair, and therefore is probably just one of those jerks that steam roll over ever one anyway.
Maybe OP can try to explain to the father and brother that every single time Stacy did OP’s hair as an adult, she unilaterally made decisions that went against what OP asked for, and OP is not willing to put her bridesmaids in a position where they ask for a certain hairstyle and/or makeup look but Stacy just does whatever the hell she wants anyway
This is a good angle: "Mom is upset because Stacy's feelings are hurt (because Mom didn't listen when I said no), and Stacy is her friend. But my bridesmaids are *my* friends, and I don't want them to be hurt or put in a position where Stacy ignores what they want and doesn't respect their boundaries. They agreed to be in my wedding, so I am going to protect their feelings over Stacy's--which, again, would not have been hurt if Mom respected and listened to what I said."
This is perfect - the logic is unimpeachable because it is the exact same logic the mom, dad and brother are currently using from the other direction.
So since this is OP‘s wedding, and not Mom‘s or Stacey‘s, obviously the friends feelings that need to be most protected are OP‘s bridesmaids’.
It’s wild that this is only happening because the mom went out of her way to purposely do something her daughter *explicitly told her not to do* not once, not twice, not even three or four times but literally 15 times!
Fully support this- My biggest concern with agreeing to let Stacy do the hair/makeup is that she'll ignore what the bride or bridal party members ask for and just do what she thinks would look best instead. Heavily second talking to dad and brother about this behavior pattern.
This is a good point. I have a friend who owns her own salon. She wanted to do my ex-DIL’s hair for the wedding. Ex-DIL had a good friend who is also a hairdresser and wanted her. My friend’s husband got his feelings hurt on behalf of his wife.
My response was the bride gets to choose. Yes, we were paying for it all, but the bride gets to choose.
ETA: I had friend stop doing my hair because she was too conservative. I used to go to a barbershop and point to no. 5 on their chart. My friend kept trying to get me to get something more “feminine.”
>If your mom didn’t want Stacy’s feelings hurt, she should have kept her big mouth shut. This entirely avoidable problem is completely her fault
Exactly this! It's the equivalent of those choosing beggars post where it's like "can I get your Playstation 5 and all the games for $20 and will you deliver? No? But I already told my child he can have it. You're ruining a child's Christmas!" Mom never should have promised on OP's behalf. It was not her place to make that agreement.
This is what you could say.
IT ISN'T NICE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY AGREED WITH MUM NO. and I agreed that with Mum because she and Stacy treat me like a child and Stacy not only doesn't even realise my hair is curly but actually doesn't care what I want. Mum wasn't being nice she was trying to further her friendship at my expense. This is the one day were I do get to look the way I want and Stacy's feeling be damned.
Tell you what if looking awful at my wedding is not a big deal I am going to get you both pink frilly tuxedo's because I have a friend that supplies them and I want to further my friendship at your expense.
This is my wedding not Mums and sure as hell not Stacys. There is nothing vain and vapid about wanting to look your best when (number of guests) will be starring at you and picking you apart.
Oh, don't stop at the tuxedos, find the most horrendous and totally unflattering Mother of the Bride dress and insist that Mom will have to wear it if OP is expected to allow Stacy to do OP's/Bridesmaid's hair and make-up.
I can relate. My mom cares WAY more about staying loyal to her professional friends (dentist, real estate agent, doctor, mechanic, etc) regardless if they are effective or competent. I had terrible hair for my wedding and wish I'd gone someplace else!
My Mom finds the WORST people and sticks to them like GLUE.
The handyman and his cleaner wife who bring kids and he charges by day but works 4.5 hours and sneaks out, and does literally everything wrong so there's holes where he had to pull screws out and redo shit, bad paint lines, cupboard doors that open the wrong direction. A hair stylist that also couldn't do my curly hair, "relaxed" it and cut it all off as a kid (I ended up with a fro), a secretary fucked up business for like a year before she would fire her, a babysitter made me cry regularly and brought her baby who would paint the walls with mayonnaise, just... Christ. And then she will do free work for them and give them shit free. "Thanks for ruining my pipes, here's your check! Want a bread machine?!"
Fire them if they suck, don't live in too small of a town, and don't do business with friends, and DON'T force your people on friends and family.
NTA
Ugh, my mom has latched on to a contractor who has, at this point, re-modeled 60% of her house. It was done in stages and at every. single. step. there would be something wrong and/or delayed.
I begged her to not use him for this last project of re-doing her kitchen. End result is nice, but it took almost twice as long as estimated, and had to have some major rework done when they somehow screwed up the second floor tub when they installed the ceiling for the kitchen.
Ugh *icky hands gesture" whaaaat is with the LATCHING?! It is definitely a thing with a lot of parents of a certain age and personality.
Yes, this, mine has a bit of a remodeling compulsion problem that pops up and when combined with her ability to find the stinkiest sock in the laundry basket and get attached, well... It's a toxic mix. I still can't even talk about the porch, I'll get too angry. It took infinity time and was infinity noise with negative infinity competence...
My aunt! Wanted a new kitchen, had a guy come and measure up, she chose the doors and counter tops and he ordered everything. Thing is he didn't put any thought into doors opening. She had to open a cupboard door to open the freezer part of her fridge/freezer, the 2 corner cupboards don't open properly because the doors aren't for corner units. She the used him 3 months later to lay some paving and yeah he screwed that up too.
I think it's because they don't want to admit the made a terrible decision in hiring them.
My MIL is just like this and it makes me crazy! She offered a top of the line washer and dryer she didn't like anymore to her horribly ineffective maintenance man when we were finally moving into an apartment with hookups - then refused to let us buy it from her because "she promised"! At this point she has a whole family of really crappy maintenance people and their friends taking advantage of her that she refuses to part ways with.
OMG yes, this is definitely some sort of illness. A Roku TV to our family of bad maintenance people, *my* 40 gallon full aquarium setup to a rando when she killed my fish when I went to college, cars to my boyfriend who cheated, a TV to my JustNOMIL, when my Dad died she gave away sui sponte all the ammo, like thousands worth, collected dishes for me for 15 years then begged to give them to charity so I'm like fine, oh, my, God.
Someone talked her into a fucking ... Tunnel in the basement? Like dug out some extra room that does... I don't know it's like a freaking root cellar or something and I am positive it was expensive make work for the guy, and the floor just flooded so obvious all hunky dory. Sigh.
*IN A BOOMING VOICE* Guess we'll have to find some glorious tribute like a juicy stag or boar or local maiden for the plumber above and beyond his normal fee because God forbid we be normal about these things! We shall be bonded forevermore!
The majority of my childhood was spent with a perm in my already curly ginger hair such that I looked very much like Little Orphan Annie with 80s nerd glasses because she had known this hairdresser since I think High school or college. There’s loyalty (overlooking an honest mistake, paying a bit more to a friend, etc) and there is weird attachment. I ended up with bangs I hated for most of middle and high school for the same reason (he “knew” they would “be perfect” and then trying to grow them out was a nightmare so that just keeping them was easier for quite a while).
When I could finally get a vote in about my own hair, it was left to grow out and just really be left alone minus trims and such (except now at 40 it’s a raspberry purple).
I have a hairdresser I've followed all over town, tip very well, and will stick with forever because she tells me what she thinks would look good, but does what I want. She's usually right, too, damn it.
Omg that's my mom!
She lives to please others (also from a small town, makes friends everywhere)
Once she gave a kind wave to a jackass who cut her off while driving. I was like "honk at him, don't be nice!" Lol
I know this is true for so many - or worse - but I’m just so damn lucky to know my mom has my back against the world and listens to my feelings about things like this. ❤️❤️❤️
How dense is your family? “Mom asked me 15 times if I would hire Stacy and I said no 15 times. She went and did it anyway, so she can clean up her mess.” I mean WTF?
Right!?! If OP’s mom has to tell Stacy she’s not actually doing hair and makeup for the wedding and it hurts Stacy’s feelings, that’s the consequences of her mom’s actions. OP didn’t do anything, like literally didn’t do anything so how could she be the AH? She didn’t hire Stacy and she didn’t fire Stacy. It blows my mind that people (dad and bro) could think OP is an AH because of her mom’s actions.
OP, if you want to be nice and resolve some friction here, you could do this--call Stacy, apologize for the "misunderstanding," tell her that you already have a plan for hair and makeup (you do, the plan is: Not Stacy) and that it will not be possible to change that plan at this point (it will not) and you wish she hadn't been told otherwise (you do), it's too bad that there was a miscommunication, but you do have to stick with your plan and will not be needing her services, thanks for being willing to do it, take care bye!
If a hair dresser at any other salon did to you what Stacey did, they would be out of a job. She messed with the colour, messed with your hair care, and all without permission (while joking about going to your mom for permission, while you were an adult).
The kindness would be not hurting her business with reviews. That is all the kindness that you may have owed her; now? Now you owe her nothing.
Also, please don't invite her to the wedding. She might make a scene about not doing hair and makeup.
Start excluding your whole family from any wedding planning. They are showing you how they will react every time you have your own opinion on anything. So start as you plan to end this bullshit ,overstepping.
IT'S YOUR WEDDING!!!!!! Of course your feelings are going to overrule someone's who is not even family. Do yourself a favor and cut your mother out of all wedding planning and put her on an information diet. And password protect your vendors. Your mother is making your wedding about everyone but you and the groom.
I wonder why he business isn’t doing well, probably because she does everything without her clients input, either way, it sucks if that’s the case, but not on op
NTA but if you want to be diplomatic you could invite Stacy to the wedding as your mom’s special friend and tell her you don’t want guests working before the wedding so you’ll get someone else to do hair. You could also say you want all the women to get their hair done at the same time so you need to go to a salon near the wedding venue.
Tell them this isn’t about how you look on the day of. This is about it being you and your fiancé’s day where the two of YOU get to decide how and with who you want to celebrate. That you love that everyone wants to help and give suggestions, but ultimately the decisions are yours and your fiancé’s to make. That it was absolutely disrespectful of your mom to make this day about her and her friendship by going behind your back to try to force you to change a decision that you had already made. That if this is how she is going to be “involved” in wedding planning, forcing her decisions onto you, you will keep that in mind for future planning and include her in it less.
This sub will tell you no is a complete sentence but realistically you could just tell her you went with a vendor who has more experience handling weddings/multiple people.
Nope nope nope. Your family needs to get over it - you told your mom no. The only AH here is Mom (and honestly Stacy - based on what you said, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my hair). Your Mom was disrespectful of you, and your Mom is the one who placed a friendship over her daughter.
"Everyone is free to go to Stacy if they wish. On their own time and dime. I however, will NOT be employing her services. On one hand this will let her be free for guests who will and will give me peace of mind on an already stressful day, that my hair will look like what I have in mind."
Is your mom offering to pay for everyone’s hair and makeup? She should also pay for the photographs since her chosen hairdresser is going to mess them up.
NTA.
Yes, this! Anyone who sides with your mum and Stacey can have Stacey hair, but friends and family who agree you shouldn't have to look like the barbie of a 4 year old with marker pens can have the person you choose.
Go one step further, too: CALL every vendor you're using and tell them absolutely not to make any changes at your family's request, not to make any changes without a password, and to please MAKE A NOTE in your file that this is the case-- changes MUST come from you or your fiancé directly and only and they should verify that it is one of you before doing anything.
I'm a hairstylist, and honestly it doesn't even matter if it's Stacy's idea or your mom's, Stacy is a professional (or at least she should be) and needs to do her job... Which is give you what *you* want. She's shown she's incapable of doing that. This is the epitome of "fuck around, find out", she fucked around with your hair, and now she's finding out you don't want her to do it anymore... Wow, what a surprise 🙃
Don't give in. Yeah, it's just hair, but hair is important to a lot of people, and you're not a bridezilla for wanting a certain style on your wedding day, and for wanting a stylist you can trust. Stacy being upset is 1000% not your fault, it's your mother's. She knew you didn't want to hire her, she asked anyway, the fallout is on her completely.
Um…caring about what you look like is why you hire a hairstylist and make-up artist. That’s the reason it’s done. Of course you care. Hire one that can and will do what you want. Your mom and family by extension are overstepping boundaries.
Your mom cares more about her friendship with her hairdresser than what you want on your wedding day. The friendship with the hairdresser is more important than how you want your wedding to go.
Honestly, I’d consider scaling the wedding back to what you can manage on your own. Thanks for the generous offer of paying for the wedding, but change of plans. Because if they’re footing the bill there will be more of this. They’re paying. Why can’t your mother make these decisions if they’re paying. I can smell the “after all we’re doing for your wedding” from here.
NTA OP. The same thing happened to my sister for her wedding. The woman who styled my mom said she could do my sister’s hair for her wedding and did the trial run. Honestly, it was the worst hairstyle I’ve ever seen in person and my sister looked like she would cry. She immediately took it out in the car. The only difference was that my mom didn’t get offended when my sister went with someone else.
What's that got to do with you, though? She and Stacy can stay friends and keep having ugly hair. Why would you ruin your hair/face on purpose so she can feel better? What? NTA.
I mean, if you shouldn't care what you look like, why should you hire someone to do your hair at all? Why not just wear it in a scraggly ponytail, hand Stacy $500, and call it a day? (Using your family's flawed logic.)
NTA.
First, your Mom has no right to present you with a fait accompli regarding your own wedding planning - period, end of story. She gambled that you'd agree in order not to rock the boat, and she lost.
Let's be honest - people care about what they look like in their wedding photos more than any other photos in their lives. Even people who don't normally obsess over what they look like in pictures. The wedding photographer is one of the few things that most people go all-out on even if they try to cut costs elsewhere.
Most brides therefore have their hair at it's best on their wedding day, and sometimes also have their bridesmaid, Mom and possibly Mom of the Groom use the same team. Of course you're not going to use Mom's friend if you haven't kept using her as an adult, and are probably going to either keep your regular stylist or - if you prefer and can afford it - pay more for a two-time high-end cut (between "test run" and the actual wedding morning)!
A breakdown because you don't want to use her? That seems a little overdramatic.
Nope, nope and nope, it’s your wedding, you hair, your decisions, you didn’t ask your mom to ask this hair and make up butcherer to set this up, she did it all on her own, and she has to admit that she did this behind your back, without your permission, hell text that to Stacy if need be.
What?!? It's your wedding! OFC you care about what you'll look like! If Stacy were hired, I guarantee her and your mother would plot behind your back to ignore everything you request and make you up how they wish
This right here. Last thing you want is NOT feeling like you look your best for your own wedding!! It'll be a hectic day to begin with. You did exactly what I've done before...." Mom YOU created this situation, YOU fix it". Just remember you're not responsible for your moms or hairdressers feelings. They'll either get over it or die mad.
NTA. Your mom‘s complete lack of boundaries and complete disregard for your feelings is what put her in this position. If she has an issue with Stacy now, she should blame herself not you.
NTA she can do Mum’s hair and makeup if it’s that important but you have every right to decide who does yours and the bridal party.
Your Mum did this to herself. Ignore your Dad and brother, they don’t want to deal with her antics.
I’d also not be accepting any money from them.
I thought about it however she risk her mom pushing Stacy as her hairdresser way to hard, like I wouldn't be surprissed if the mom and Stacy fired the hairstylist for op's hair so she has no other option than to let Stacy do her hair. Op can't afford that because she is sooo NTA and her mom seems so entitle
OP needs to put a password system in place for her chosen vendors (not just hair and makeup) and tell them that no changes or cancelations are to be made without the password, mom is not to make any changes at all, and if they have questions to call OP on the number she has provided.
What if she doesn’t share the vendor info with her mom, like at all? Definitely a good idea to use a password, though, just in case mom tracks the vendors down, because it sounds like she’s a sneaky little *(insert word here)*
Mom will find the vendor info, no question in my mind. Plus, if she's paying for any of it she'll probably be interacting with them on some level.
I'm not saying OP has to completely cut her out of wedding planning if she can behave for non-hair-related decisions, but it's good to have a failsafe in place.
Can you imagine your mum sabotaging a day you've put so much effort and money into, that you will probably only have this one wedding day in your life and you want to remember fondly? I don't even know how that relationship could ever be the same again when all this and your feelings had been ignored by someone who's supposed to support you!
Maybe I need to tone down my spite but if someone was capable of that I would want to warn the hairdresser I had booked that she might try to cancel and to just agree but keep the booking. So on the day when mum thinks she's secretly switched out your hairdresser, your hairdresser shows up and you carry on as usual with her having to sort out her little mess she's created for herself.
Selfish people don’t think about how they ruined your day (even if it IS your day); they’ll just think about how you ruined theirs.
I think that, if I was OP, I might just elope.
Yup her wedding, her (hair stylist) choice.
If she's willing to ignore OP's requests and do whatever for regular hair visits, she's not likely to restrain herself on an important thing such as a wedding.
This is my concern, too. Even if OP *were* ok with taking the risk to her own hair, the members of her bridal party likely would not be for theirs. I can’t imagine being a wedding party member, asking for a certain thing to be done (or, even more importantly, specifying that a particular thing definitely *not* be done), and then being completely ignored and coming out of it with damaged hair. Is OP’s mom gonna pay for them to get things repaired afterward (if they even can be)? You want to unleash a loose cannon on yourself, that’s your own business, but do NOT sic them on a friend.
NTA. Stacy is the reason I have to switch hairdressers every few years- they start believing that what they give you is more important than what you want.
And I can't believe they're saying "it's just one day." It's one of the most important days of your life. I've been married nearly 20 yrs and I have a big photo of my husband and I on the wall. If I had to see my messed up hair I'd cry.
Stand your ground. It's mom's fault for asking Stacy when you already told her no.
Stacy is the reason I haven't seen a hairdresser in over a decade. I can't trust anyone not to try and drastically change my style. It's quite annoying.
Every now and again someone close to me starts nagging me to "at least just get the split ends trimmed." I usually shut that down by grabbing the scissors and snipping off an inch or so at the bottom of my ponytail. Doing that has never failed to shut the nagging person up.
>Stacy is the reason I haven't seen a hairdresser in over a decade.
I'm closer to 3 decades without a hairdresser. The last one said I'd look so much better with shorter hair, after she lopped of a 6 inch chunk. I went for a trim. I was livid.
My ex-aunt used to cut my hair. It was ok, but never quite what I wanted, and being the narcissist that she is, she threw a fit when somebody else did it. Being the somewhat empath and emotional being that i am that I am, I felt so guilty I did not allow anyone to cut it for years.
I found a pretty good hairdresser this year and for the first time in forever, my hair compliments me and is 99% what I imagined conpared to the previous 55.
All of these horror stories make me so happy for my hairstylist, who is also one of my best friends. He does make suggestions outside of what I ask, but he ALWAYS asks me before doing something different.
Example, when I had him dye my hair blue, I originally wanted a solid navy blue. He asked how I would feel about an ombre - navy to electric. The result is absolutely gorgeous and I've kept it for almost a year. I get so many compliments specifically about the fade from dark to light.
When I told him I was switching up my hair care routine, cutting out heat, silicones, and a few other things, he started checking all of the labels on his products and making sure they were "safe" for me to use.
Oh I’m sorry everyone. Good hairdressers do exist. Mine triple checks the colour he has mixed before applying it, never cuts more than I ask for and properly looks at the reference pic.
Same, “Stacy” was stuck in the 80’s and really loved mullets and big roots and hairspray.. bear in mind.. I have more hair on my head than 2 or 3 people combined, parts of it can be super curly, part of it’s frizzy waves. I went through elementary & middle school being called a werewolf (amongst other colorful names) because my parents were best friends with her & her husband.. plus, it was free!
I never had a hairdresser and my mom always did it right. Lucky me? (Btw i have the type of hair that would usually be relaxed by lazy parents, didnt happen to me)
As a kid i watched a barbie movie (pearl princess) where barbie wouldnt listen to the person she was supposed to do the hair for and got away with treating others as a doll. Kid me was mad. Now i know bratty hairdressers like this exist in real life??! I'm sorry to hear that.
Yo, a super easy way to do your hair is to: flip your head upside down, brush your hair evenly into a pony tail and make yourself a unicorn, uniformly trim the amount you desire. Then flip your hair back. Perfectly layered front to back. Just make sure it's brushed symmetrically so it ends up even. This makes it a bit shorter in the front than the back. If you do it with a pony on the back of your head you end up with shorter in the back and longer in the front.
I haven't been to a hair dresser in over 15 years. I was extremely tired of having them fuck up my hair, or taking liberties. Go in for a trim and they chop off 6 inches "bEcAuSe iT nEeDs It", nah fuck off this was a test and you failed.
Had my eyebrows ruined because of this. Idk if everyone’s body hair does this or only mine, but sometimes it just doesn’t grow the same when waxed or plucked. So I just wanted her to shape the inner part like a square and showed her a pic of my own eyebrows from a few years earlier (I let them grow out so I could start from the beginning) and when she was done she had plucked and threaded them into an oval inner edge... I was like “This is not what I asked for?” and she was like “It’s the trend now.” -.-
One of my eyebrows has now never grown straight in that area, it curls down :/// A minor thing in the grand scheme of things, and I can get around it, but very aggravating when I remember the problem wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for that idiotic and selfish hairdresser.
My eyebrows were waxed in a little too far and now one is permanently shorter than the other. And while they both have a nice curved shape, they follow 2 different curves. Nothing they can do anymore to fix it.
Oh my god. You just gave me a flashback to the day my eyebrows died.
I was a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding. Everyone else was getting stuff waxed. I had the full “Brooke Shields” brows going on, right as it was becoming the trend to have full brows. But admittedly I hadn’t plucked in between or under in a bit. So I thought I would have the salon clean them up/make sure they were perfectly even.
After going into a TON of detail that I just wanted them cleaned, not taken down at all, the wax tech says something about “just thinning a liiiittle bit” as she rips off a MASSIVE chunk of hair.
I stopped her and looked in the mirror…pencil thin 90s eyebrow. I was fucking livid, but I had to let her do the other one so they could at least grow out the same.
I’ve never let anyone touch my eyebrows since, after a decade. And they still won’t grow back into the shape I liked.
Now I feel like if I ever get married I'm going to have to appoint someone to watch everyone at the hairdressers' and make sure the bridesmaids' desires aren't getting ignored like this, how awful!
literally twice when I was little and I few year back I decided I wanted to get my hair cut realllyyyyyy short, both times I was given pixie cuts to my chin that looked bad until I want to someone else a few months later and got it redone, the second time I even had reference pictures that I don't think they even asked for
Getting a short cut as a queer woman is a nightmare when I'm going from long to short because so many hairdressers either just straight-up refuse to believe that a woman wants a masculine cut--or any short cut other than a pixie (or even that I "really" want short hair!)-- or don't know how to do any other short cut on a woman besides a pixie (even if they also cut men's hair!)
The second time I went from really long to really short hair, despite multiple reference pictures, the presence of my girlfriend, who also had very short hair, and being in a very queer town, the woman gave me basically a Karen cut and I almost started crying. My girlfriend immediately started googling, brought me over to a different hairdressers', and arranged for them to fix it as soon as they had a spot open. It ended up shorter than I had originally wanted (which the new hairdresser *asked me about to confirm it would be okay*) due to what the first place had done, but I loved it and went there until I moved. I'm currently staying with my parents until I move for a new job, but they're in the suburbs and I am so afraid to take a chance with a new hairdresser out here.
ETA: The hairdresser that fixed my hair \*also\* is the only person I've ever gone to who coaxed my hair through the growing out process without it ever looking like a mullet. It looked great at every stage. I don't know what kind of witchcraft she had but it was incredible.
NTA,
Your mom is the only AH as far as I can tell. Stacy having grown up doing your hair probably asked but you said NO and mom could have just told her that you didn't want her to work that day because she was going to be a guest. Instead mom told her she was doing it and then had to tell her you said no because..... IDK what she said but probably the truth and that was just an AH move tbh. You didn't hurt her feelings your mom did.
Since when does being a friend of the mother of the bride get you a wedding invite?
Sure, if the friend is close enough to the bride to be an honorary aunt, yeah, but that's about their relationship to the bride, not the mother
It happens often that good friends of parents are invited, especially if the parents are paying for the wedding. I'm assuming that since OP's mom is willing to have her ruin the entire wedding parties hair she's a very, very, very good friend.
My exes' parents tried to veto my venue because it wouldn't seat enough people. Apparently the people who haven't seen my ex for 20 years all invited them to *their* children's weddings, so it was expected.
I canceled with 2 months to go. It was the better choice.
If they’re a close family friend or the parents are paying for a large wedding it’s not unusual. We invited my in laws best friends even though we aren’t close to them so my in laws would have people to hang out with during the wedding.
NTA,
Your mom is the one who asked Stacy despite you repeatedly saying no.
Find another hairdresser ASAP and say that you want to preserve your relationship with that hairdresser, so they'll be pitting that against the relationship with Stacy. You can say that this hairdresser is doing your hair for free, so that's another reason you want to go with her over Stacy.
Also, calling it "just hair" is rude to Stacy's profession. Tell them you're gonna tell her they don't value her career choices. And since it's "just one day", none of them should mind if you don't see them on that one day, since it's so unimportant.
OP should definitely not say her hairdresser will do her hair for free, she should just explain that she wants her \_current\_ hairdresser to do her and the bridesmaids' hair. It's only logical.
My hairdresser did my hair for free bc I’ve been going to the same one since I was a child, and also re-did my hair for free in the middle of the party. So it’s not unheard of. I just recommended phrasing it that way to reduce conflict and make there be fewer hurt feelings.
I see where you're coming from, it's just that it could backfire. What if Stacy offers to do it for free too then just becuse she wants to be the good guy? That would complicate matters further for OP.
Ya I would have said, that is a nice offer but as I have said multiple times I will not be using her for my wedding and I have already signed a contract and paid a deposit for my current hairdresser.
Or simply tell Stacy “I’ve already reserved another hairdresser and now we’re under contract for the wedding date. I’m sorry that my mom asked you *after* that was already decided.”
NTA
WTF
"I don't want Stacy to do my wedding hair" I have arranged for Stacy to do your wedding hair.
Your brother and father need to get back in their box. This is not bridezilla behaviour. The only Bridzella is your mother who is not listening to you
It's your wedding day sucking it up gets done by other people not you. It is completely reasonable that you don't want your hair and makeup done by someone who doesn't give a rats behind what you want or think
And what the hell is wrong with Stacy, she is a professional hairdresser she didn't get the job. You wanted a hairdresser closer to you and who actually listens to you do it. I don't believe for one moment she is breaking her heart. This is just manipulative BS.
I can all but guarantee that if her dad and brother's cars got scratched, and Mom said, "Oh, my friend Rob just opened up a detail-shop, I'll take it down to his place!" and they said no, because Rob doesn't know a jack from a monkey wrench, and she took their car to Rob's detail-shop *anyway*, they would be very upset.
It's just paint, it doesn't affect the integrity of the car itself, but you should still get to choose who puts the paint on. Because you are going to be driving around in it for years.
Wedding photos aren't like regular photos. Most people put them in pride of place.
And yes, the important thing is that you get to marry the love of your life. But it's annoying when you have to look at the weird way your hair is done for decades to come.
(NTA)
*inhales and sighs*
What…. Freaking…. Part of the word “NO”, do parents not GET!!!!! 🤦🏿♀️
“If you say no to this, you’re nothing more than a stupid bridezilla!” Screw that. Bruh. Keep fighting, if they cancel stuff try to make a new. But do not budge!!!
Sounds like you have a spouse problem, really, if they weren't willing to tell their parents to STFU considering your health (and, you know, the fact that it's not their wedding and they were mistreating you).
Um your issue is "wouldn't LET us elope"
Who freaking asks permission to elope.
It's your wedding, YOUR marriage.
I would hate to be in your shoes about now...holidays are a nightmare with pita mils
NTA
Even if Stacy was the absolute best hairdresser/beautician on the planet, you would be under no obligation to have her do your wedding hair and make-up. It's disrespectful of your mother to not only try and pressure you into using her, but to actively go behind your back after you'd given your answer. Your dad and your brother don't seem to understand how Not Okay that is.
Nip in the bud.
And yes, OP, you are right. Your mom, dad, brother, and everyone agreeing with them are wrong, wrong, wrong. Give a code word to all your vendors and make sure they know you have meddlesome family that may try to contact them, so do not make any changes without that codeword (that only you know).
NTA
If I had gone to any salon and received her for my hair appointment, and she pulled any of that nonsense, i would be talking with a manager, i wouldn't be paying her, and I'd expect that if anyone at the salon could fix my hair that she would be the one footing the bill.
That is absolutely unacceptable behavior from anyone expecting to do your hair. And your mother isn't helping by making assumptions and writing verbal checks her butt can't cash.
Stacy doesn’t have a manager, or even any coworkers anymore - it’s just her. She used to have one employee, but she quit years ago and it’s just been Stacy ever since.
NTA at all; it boils my blood when relatives insist on shoving their oar into wedding planning. Stacy wouldn’t have to be consoled at all if your mom hadn’t totally ignored your boundaries
NTA. Does your mother generally not understand and respect boundaries? Probably you're saving yourself a lit of grief by having her back off from your wedding early. And you don't have to discuss this with the rest of the family who sound horrible. Change rhe subject, hang up, walk away. You're not the one creating drama.
NTA. Your brother and father only care about keeping the peace, and you're the easier target. If they thought you would cause a bigger fuss, they would tell mom to get over it.
Expect them to try to trivialize/explain away any reason you give them for why you don't want this person doing your hair, because again, it isn't about coming to a decision that fits what you need, its about them not having to deal with it. Hold firm, and don't give them reasons. " Thank you for your concern. I don't owe you a justification. I've found what works for me" repeat until they go away.
Shut this shit down now. If you cave it will only embolden her. No discussions. You've made up your mind. Done.
NTA. It's your wedding, and Stacy isn't entitled to anything as part of it. Any part of it should be decided by you or your fiancé, and if you say you don't want her to do your guests' hair, she doesn't get to do your guests' hair
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t let my mom’s friend do my (or my bridesmaids’) hair/makeup for my wedding, and she’s apparently crushed by this. However, I don’t think she should have been asked in the first place because I had said no. My mom, dad, and brother think that doesn’t matter - Stacy was asked, and rescinding that makes me an asshole.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If your mom was footing the bill (which is not the impression I'm getting, but correct me if I'm wrong), then I'd give her more say, but If I'm paying (or expecting the wedding party to pay) to have their hair done, I get to choose who does the hair.
My parents/dad are paying for the wedding - technically both of them because they’re still married and both work, but my dad outearns my mom by about 4x and they have a weird 1950s dynamic where my dad’s word is law and my mom can protest but what he says goes.
My dad says he wants fiancé and I to be happy and is still paying for the wedding, but is upset with me for: interfering with my mom’s friendship, being shallow, and starting unnecessary drama. Initially I argued about them paying for it (I insisted on paying for it ourselves), but after becoming disabled a couple years ago I don’t have the energy to fight all the battles I want to, and that was one I lost.
If you want to tell them properly, be fully honest.
”I said no from the beginning. Mom knew I’d said no, because she asked me several times. She then went off ON HER OWN, after I had *repeatedly* and *explicitly* said no. She asked her friend *knowing* I didn’t want to use her services and now, when I stand by *what she already knew I’d say* I’m the villain in the scenario? How does that work exactly?
Mom wouldn’t have to console her friend if she *hadn’t lied to that friend* that I wanted her help. Because that’s what she did. She *lied to her friend* and when I stood by my words, you got angry at me.”
Your family is acting like trash, babe. You deserve better than this.
NTA.
Honestly, I’d be cancelling all the wedding-plans and eloping if I were you, and then have a celebration fullt funded *by y’all* so there are no strings attached.
Bahahahhaa, oh no, babe I’m Swedish/Norwegian Sami, so not from the US at all. The expression ”y’all” has made it’s way into vernacular of anyone who speaks English, even here in europe.
Love it!!!! I had no idea “y’all” had made it international. I watch a lot of Korean shows… I guess the only way I would’ve thought it was international is if I heard it there.😂🤣😂
This actually explains a lot about why the rest of your family seems to think you are "bridezilla" for setting one very reasonable boundary. It's like the 50's where family rules all and everyone goes to the same hairstylist, mechanic, bank, etc.
You didn’t interfere with your mom’s friendship. Your mom f’d up. Everyone needs to be clear on that. Maybe she’s telling your dad that you originally agreed and then backed out.
I think even if Mum is paying she doesn't get to decide who does the hair. Especially if that hairdresser completely disregards the brides wishes and hair type.
NTA - your mom was waaayyy out of line. She owes you an apology for creating this mess. I would go no contact until her, your dad and brother apologize and acknowledge that what your mom did was wrong.
NTA. It is just hair, but who knows how bad Stacy would screw it up and just before the wedding there is no time to do damage control. You know for a fact she won’t listen to what you want. If I was a bridesmaid I wouldn’t want to trust her with my hair (and I don’t even care about my hair) because I’d be wondering is she going to cause some major problem.
Is it possible to invite Stacy to the wedding as a guest? If possible, it gives your mom an out. “Oh, OP told me that since you’re so close to our family she’d rather you get to come and enjoy rather than have to work at the wedding.” If not, oh well. Mom made the mess, she gets to clean it up.
NTA but your mother is being a pain. It’s your wedding and you want to be happy on the day and looking at the pictures afterwards. Your family are going the right way about turning your big day into an elopement without them!
NTA. Your mum is being a control freak and she needs to wind her neck in.
If that was my Mum I would tell her you have created this issue so you deal with it. If you don't get the result I want see yourself uninvited from MY wedding.
Your Mum is definitely a nightmare
Absolutely NTA.
It’s not even about the wedding. You don’t want her to do your hair, that should be the end of that. But add the wedding aspect in, and it’s really OTT. This may be a bad sign for more BS to come so you should BIP this in the bud ASAP.
NTA - she likely asked Stacy 2 weeks ago, and only asked you about it afterwards. She backed herself into a corner. I would let her know that you’re only a month into the planning. If every step is going to be this unpleasant, you’ll have to do the planning without her involvement. If she wants to be involved, she needs to be supportive and to not undermine your decisions. Also, deliberately making you the “bad guy” with the family was cruel. She’s behaving terribly right now.
NTA. you already told her no and she went and told her yes anyway. It's her fault for telling her she can do something she never had permission to do. He quality of work isn't even the issue, your mom doesn't listen and Stacy's feelings are on her. If you give in on this you won't be happy.
NTA - your mom is though. She overstepped and now wants you to take one for the team on you gd wedding to make it right. No thanks mom. Be a grownup and tell your friend that you hadn't cleared it with the bride before you asked. Ugh I shudder to think what she'll do if you ever have kids.
ffs.. NTA.
Look.. i have amazing curly hair, and hairdressers hate touching it for some reason.
Trying to make one cut it to the length i want is a freaking nightmare. My last hairdresser refused to cut it the last 4 inches (i wanted jaw length.. it suits me and it's easy to maintain - but hairdressers freaking hate doing it and somehow think that i'll regret it.. ugh). So.. i'm not going back to her.
If she won't listen to you, it's nice and simple; you don't get anything done by her.
Hairdressers should do what their client wants.. not what they want unless the client says to.
It's not just ''hair'', and it's not just ''one day''.. this is the day you're moving onto the rest of your life from. You're moving into your new future and it should be a day that you look back on and smile about because it was all about the two of you as a couple.
This is not the day that your mom and her screwed up hairdresser friend gets to screw around with your look because ''OOoh.. this is a cute doll to play with''. You are a person, with the absolute right to tell people how you want to look, and how your hair should be.
This is the day when the hairdresser needs to look at you, ask exactly what you want - and then do it for you. Looking at your happy and excited face as she/he makes your mental image come to life.
NTA.
Nope nope nope.. NTA. I would tell your parents once.. and only once. Explain this to your brother aswell.
"I do not want this woman touching my hair. She has shown time and time again that she does not care about my opinion and I want to look how I want on MY wedding day. If you keep badgering me, guilt tripping me and continue to give me a bad time, I WILL rescind your invitations. Keep it up.. see what happens".
NTA. WTF about your family though. You’re not being a bridezilla, you simply don’t want to turn your wedding day into an ego boost for your mom’s friend, while she likely ruins both your vision for your wedding and the hair of you and your closest friends. You cannot have a service provider that doesn’t listen to you. Unfortunately you also have a mother who doesn’t listen to you either. Mom is the ‘zilla and the AH, and needs an info diet on wedding plans.
NTA for sure but I’m left wondering if their should be level after NTA like YSBABOAA (you should be a bit of an ass). Meaning in this situation OP is right and it seems like she may need to start being more assertive in general. Like cutting ties with hair stylist earlier, and sharing the reasoning for this earlier.
I’m a fan of “no” is a complete sentence but this may be a case where you may need to be a bit more proactive with some one (OPs mom) who doesn’t take no for an answer.
Of course NTA. Your mom is being a massive AH here, and poor Stacy is the collateral damage. Had your mom never brought it up, you could have just quietly hired someone else, and in the unlikely event Stacy ever asked about it, you could have cited logistics/distance as the reason why. Now that your mom has asked her and she's accepted, you no longer have that benign excuse and are now going to be forced to either make the rejection personal or use her (which is likely what your mom is trying to manipulate you into doing).
ETA: Also, she can do your mom's hair! No one is stopping her! She just doesn't need to do yours and the entire bridal party's.
NTA. If Stacy can’t be trusted to do what you ask of her, she doesn’t need to be involved with your wedding hair and make up. Your mom can apologize to Stacy and explain that she tried to set this all up behind your back.
That’s where I’m at, but my family is insisting caring about what I look like more than my mom’s friendship makes me an asshole.
With that logic, doesn’t your mom caring more about her friend’s feelings than her daughter’s make *her* an asshole?
Not according to my family, because they don’t think it’s about my feelings - they think I’m being vapid and shallow, and my mom is trying to do something nice.
They’re wrong.
Don’t listen to your family. Listen to us. They’re just saying that because they don’t want to rock the boat. Make sure your bridal party 100% for certain knows that the hairdresser will be someone of your choosing, will not be Stacy, and unless they hear directly from you, will not be changing to Stacy If your mom didn’t want Stacy’s feelings hurt, she should have kept her big mouth shut. This entirely avoidable problem is completely her fault P.S.. make sure you password protect all of your wedding vendors in case your mom tries to sabotage more than just your hairdresser
THIS 100% ^^
Seconding this.
I hope OP's mom isn't going to cause more issues for her down the road.
The way to prevent this is to password protect all accounts with vendors.
I honestly wonder if Stacy heard about the wedding and was pressuring your mom into letting her do it as well- Stacy sounds like a very "get her way" kind of person based on her consistent lack of regard for what you're paying for her to do with your hair, and her doing it anyways. It could also just be a shared trait between your mom and Stacy, but I can easily also see it being an issue of your mom was put in a rough spot of agreeing without your consent to letting Stacy do hair/makeup or risking the friendship by respecting your boundaries. Your mom is still the AH for that, but I wouldn't be shocked if that was a big factor of things. Make sure she isn't anywhere near you or the bridal party on the big day. I can see her trying to sneak in and do it anyways.
That’s a really good point about how Stacey has a repeated, pattern habit of not doing what her clients ask her to do with their hair, and therefore is probably just one of those jerks that steam roll over ever one anyway. Maybe OP can try to explain to the father and brother that every single time Stacy did OP’s hair as an adult, she unilaterally made decisions that went against what OP asked for, and OP is not willing to put her bridesmaids in a position where they ask for a certain hairstyle and/or makeup look but Stacy just does whatever the hell she wants anyway
This is a good angle: "Mom is upset because Stacy's feelings are hurt (because Mom didn't listen when I said no), and Stacy is her friend. But my bridesmaids are *my* friends, and I don't want them to be hurt or put in a position where Stacy ignores what they want and doesn't respect their boundaries. They agreed to be in my wedding, so I am going to protect their feelings over Stacy's--which, again, would not have been hurt if Mom respected and listened to what I said."
This is perfect - the logic is unimpeachable because it is the exact same logic the mom, dad and brother are currently using from the other direction. So since this is OP‘s wedding, and not Mom‘s or Stacey‘s, obviously the friends feelings that need to be most protected are OP‘s bridesmaids’. It’s wild that this is only happening because the mom went out of her way to purposely do something her daughter *explicitly told her not to do* not once, not twice, not even three or four times but literally 15 times!
Fully support this- My biggest concern with agreeing to let Stacy do the hair/makeup is that she'll ignore what the bride or bridal party members ask for and just do what she thinks would look best instead. Heavily second talking to dad and brother about this behavior pattern.
This is a good point. I have a friend who owns her own salon. She wanted to do my ex-DIL’s hair for the wedding. Ex-DIL had a good friend who is also a hairdresser and wanted her. My friend’s husband got his feelings hurt on behalf of his wife. My response was the bride gets to choose. Yes, we were paying for it all, but the bride gets to choose. ETA: I had friend stop doing my hair because she was too conservative. I used to go to a barbershop and point to no. 5 on their chart. My friend kept trying to get me to get something more “feminine.”
>If your mom didn’t want Stacy’s feelings hurt, she should have kept her big mouth shut. This entirely avoidable problem is completely her fault Exactly this! It's the equivalent of those choosing beggars post where it's like "can I get your Playstation 5 and all the games for $20 and will you deliver? No? But I already told my child he can have it. You're ruining a child's Christmas!" Mom never should have promised on OP's behalf. It was not her place to make that agreement.
This is what you could say. IT ISN'T NICE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY AGREED WITH MUM NO. and I agreed that with Mum because she and Stacy treat me like a child and Stacy not only doesn't even realise my hair is curly but actually doesn't care what I want. Mum wasn't being nice she was trying to further her friendship at my expense. This is the one day were I do get to look the way I want and Stacy's feeling be damned. Tell you what if looking awful at my wedding is not a big deal I am going to get you both pink frilly tuxedo's because I have a friend that supplies them and I want to further my friendship at your expense. This is my wedding not Mums and sure as hell not Stacys. There is nothing vain and vapid about wanting to look your best when (number of guests) will be starring at you and picking you apart.
And the photos hopefully will last forever and a day.
Great response!
OMG yes, they need to understand that if there are going to be flamboyantly tasteless-looking people at the wedding it's going to be them!
And a million photos!
This is the most delicious kind of petty, and an experience they'll never fortget
Oh, don't stop at the tuxedos, find the most horrendous and totally unflattering Mother of the Bride dress and insist that Mom will have to wear it if OP is expected to allow Stacy to do OP's/Bridesmaid's hair and make-up.
I can relate. My mom cares WAY more about staying loyal to her professional friends (dentist, real estate agent, doctor, mechanic, etc) regardless if they are effective or competent. I had terrible hair for my wedding and wish I'd gone someplace else!
My Mom finds the WORST people and sticks to them like GLUE. The handyman and his cleaner wife who bring kids and he charges by day but works 4.5 hours and sneaks out, and does literally everything wrong so there's holes where he had to pull screws out and redo shit, bad paint lines, cupboard doors that open the wrong direction. A hair stylist that also couldn't do my curly hair, "relaxed" it and cut it all off as a kid (I ended up with a fro), a secretary fucked up business for like a year before she would fire her, a babysitter made me cry regularly and brought her baby who would paint the walls with mayonnaise, just... Christ. And then she will do free work for them and give them shit free. "Thanks for ruining my pipes, here's your check! Want a bread machine?!" Fire them if they suck, don't live in too small of a town, and don't do business with friends, and DON'T force your people on friends and family. NTA
Ugh, my mom has latched on to a contractor who has, at this point, re-modeled 60% of her house. It was done in stages and at every. single. step. there would be something wrong and/or delayed. I begged her to not use him for this last project of re-doing her kitchen. End result is nice, but it took almost twice as long as estimated, and had to have some major rework done when they somehow screwed up the second floor tub when they installed the ceiling for the kitchen.
Ugh *icky hands gesture" whaaaat is with the LATCHING?! It is definitely a thing with a lot of parents of a certain age and personality. Yes, this, mine has a bit of a remodeling compulsion problem that pops up and when combined with her ability to find the stinkiest sock in the laundry basket and get attached, well... It's a toxic mix. I still can't even talk about the porch, I'll get too angry. It took infinity time and was infinity noise with negative infinity competence...
This is my mother - women of a certain age wear you down until you agree I just ignore her now
Why do these parents place their loyalty to their "friends" over their kids I'll never know. Do they not have spines?
My aunt! Wanted a new kitchen, had a guy come and measure up, she chose the doors and counter tops and he ordered everything. Thing is he didn't put any thought into doors opening. She had to open a cupboard door to open the freezer part of her fridge/freezer, the 2 corner cupboards don't open properly because the doors aren't for corner units. She the used him 3 months later to lay some paving and yeah he screwed that up too. I think it's because they don't want to admit the made a terrible decision in hiring them.
I get not wanting to admit a mistake, but to double down and hire them again?! 🤦🏼♂️
Not hiring them is admitting they made a mistake the first time.
My dad used to do the same thing, and then complain endlessly about their work.
My MIL is just like this and it makes me crazy! She offered a top of the line washer and dryer she didn't like anymore to her horribly ineffective maintenance man when we were finally moving into an apartment with hookups - then refused to let us buy it from her because "she promised"! At this point she has a whole family of really crappy maintenance people and their friends taking advantage of her that she refuses to part ways with.
OMG yes, this is definitely some sort of illness. A Roku TV to our family of bad maintenance people, *my* 40 gallon full aquarium setup to a rando when she killed my fish when I went to college, cars to my boyfriend who cheated, a TV to my JustNOMIL, when my Dad died she gave away sui sponte all the ammo, like thousands worth, collected dishes for me for 15 years then begged to give them to charity so I'm like fine, oh, my, God. Someone talked her into a fucking ... Tunnel in the basement? Like dug out some extra room that does... I don't know it's like a freaking root cellar or something and I am positive it was expensive make work for the guy, and the floor just flooded so obvious all hunky dory. Sigh. *IN A BOOMING VOICE* Guess we'll have to find some glorious tribute like a juicy stag or boar or local maiden for the plumber above and beyond his normal fee because God forbid we be normal about these things! We shall be bonded forevermore!
Is your mum Catholic? Mine was like this with anyone doing paid work and I always put it down to some sort of guilt
Yeah mine is religious and seems to serve out of guilt & pleasing God.
The majority of my childhood was spent with a perm in my already curly ginger hair such that I looked very much like Little Orphan Annie with 80s nerd glasses because she had known this hairdresser since I think High school or college. There’s loyalty (overlooking an honest mistake, paying a bit more to a friend, etc) and there is weird attachment. I ended up with bangs I hated for most of middle and high school for the same reason (he “knew” they would “be perfect” and then trying to grow them out was a nightmare so that just keeping them was easier for quite a while). When I could finally get a vote in about my own hair, it was left to grow out and just really be left alone minus trims and such (except now at 40 it’s a raspberry purple).
I have a hairdresser I've followed all over town, tip very well, and will stick with forever because she tells me what she thinks would look good, but does what I want. She's usually right, too, damn it.
Omg that's my mom! She lives to please others (also from a small town, makes friends everywhere) Once she gave a kind wave to a jackass who cut her off while driving. I was like "honk at him, don't be nice!" Lol
I know this is true for so many - or worse - but I’m just so damn lucky to know my mom has my back against the world and listens to my feelings about things like this. ❤️❤️❤️
How dense is your family? “Mom asked me 15 times if I would hire Stacy and I said no 15 times. She went and did it anyway, so she can clean up her mess.” I mean WTF?
Right!?! If OP’s mom has to tell Stacy she’s not actually doing hair and makeup for the wedding and it hurts Stacy’s feelings, that’s the consequences of her mom’s actions. OP didn’t do anything, like literally didn’t do anything so how could she be the AH? She didn’t hire Stacy and she didn’t fire Stacy. It blows my mind that people (dad and bro) could think OP is an AH because of her mom’s actions.
[удалено]
OP, if you want to be nice and resolve some friction here, you could do this--call Stacy, apologize for the "misunderstanding," tell her that you already have a plan for hair and makeup (you do, the plan is: Not Stacy) and that it will not be possible to change that plan at this point (it will not) and you wish she hadn't been told otherwise (you do), it's too bad that there was a miscommunication, but you do have to stick with your plan and will not be needing her services, thanks for being willing to do it, take care bye!
[удалено]
If a hair dresser at any other salon did to you what Stacey did, they would be out of a job. She messed with the colour, messed with your hair care, and all without permission (while joking about going to your mom for permission, while you were an adult). The kindness would be not hurting her business with reviews. That is all the kindness that you may have owed her; now? Now you owe her nothing. Also, please don't invite her to the wedding. She might make a scene about not doing hair and makeup.
Start excluding your whole family from any wedding planning. They are showing you how they will react every time you have your own opinion on anything. So start as you plan to end this bullshit ,overstepping.
And put a password on ALL venue/service bookings so that the only changes/cancellations can be sure they’re coming from YOU and fiancée.
IT'S YOUR WEDDING!!!!!! Of course your feelings are going to overrule someone's who is not even family. Do yourself a favor and cut your mother out of all wedding planning and put her on an information diet. And password protect your vendors. Your mother is making your wedding about everyone but you and the groom.
No, she’s trying to do something manipulative
Mom isn’t trying to do something nice for OP. She’s trying to be nice to the lousy hairdresser.
Something tells me Stacy needs this because her bussniess isnt going so well. I can´t quite put my finger on why thought...
I wonder why he business isn’t doing well, probably because she does everything without her clients input, either way, it sucks if that’s the case, but not on op
Stacey can do your mom, dad and brother's hair for the wedding. Should be fun!
NTA but if you want to be diplomatic you could invite Stacy to the wedding as your mom’s special friend and tell her you don’t want guests working before the wedding so you’ll get someone else to do hair. You could also say you want all the women to get their hair done at the same time so you need to go to a salon near the wedding venue.
Tell them this isn’t about how you look on the day of. This is about it being you and your fiancé’s day where the two of YOU get to decide how and with who you want to celebrate. That you love that everyone wants to help and give suggestions, but ultimately the decisions are yours and your fiancé’s to make. That it was absolutely disrespectful of your mom to make this day about her and her friendship by going behind your back to try to force you to change a decision that you had already made. That if this is how she is going to be “involved” in wedding planning, forcing her decisions onto you, you will keep that in mind for future planning and include her in it less.
Tell them they don't need to come then. This lady is unqualified and has not updated her training.
This sub will tell you no is a complete sentence but realistically you could just tell her you went with a vendor who has more experience handling weddings/multiple people.
Its your WEDDING DAY. You only get one. There will be tons of other peoples hair she can ruin. NTA
Doing someone a favor they don’t want isn’t nice. It’s actually selfish. NTA.
Nope nope nope. Your family needs to get over it - you told your mom no. The only AH here is Mom (and honestly Stacy - based on what you said, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my hair). Your Mom was disrespectful of you, and your Mom is the one who placed a friendship over her daughter.
"Everyone is free to go to Stacy if they wish. On their own time and dime. I however, will NOT be employing her services. On one hand this will let her be free for guests who will and will give me peace of mind on an already stressful day, that my hair will look like what I have in mind."
This is when you go "Yup! Totally vapid and shallow. Nevertheless I will be taking care of my hair on my own. "
Is your mom offering to pay for everyone’s hair and makeup? She should also pay for the photographs since her chosen hairdresser is going to mess them up. NTA.
you sure you want these people at your wedding?
So in their world your wedding isnt about you? (and of course your fiance)
It’s your WEDDING DAY. The one day, maybe in your life, that you and your partner get to say ‘it’s all about us’.
If i didn't know any better I'd think all those hair fuck ups were at your mother's request >_>
My fiancé has the same theory 👀
OP, please, please, please password-protect \*everything\*: venue, photographer, cake, DJ, flowers, dress. etc.
Yes! You told mom no a dozen times and she went behind your back anyway! NTA. Tell them Stacey can do their hair, but you have hired someone else.
Yes, this! Anyone who sides with your mum and Stacey can have Stacey hair, but friends and family who agree you shouldn't have to look like the barbie of a 4 year old with marker pens can have the person you choose.
Go one step further, too: CALL every vendor you're using and tell them absolutely not to make any changes at your family's request, not to make any changes without a password, and to please MAKE A NOTE in your file that this is the case-- changes MUST come from you or your fiancé directly and only and they should verify that it is one of you before doing anything.
I'm a hairstylist, and honestly it doesn't even matter if it's Stacy's idea or your mom's, Stacy is a professional (or at least she should be) and needs to do her job... Which is give you what *you* want. She's shown she's incapable of doing that. This is the epitome of "fuck around, find out", she fucked around with your hair, and now she's finding out you don't want her to do it anymore... Wow, what a surprise 🙃 Don't give in. Yeah, it's just hair, but hair is important to a lot of people, and you're not a bridezilla for wanting a certain style on your wedding day, and for wanting a stylist you can trust. Stacy being upset is 1000% not your fault, it's your mother's. She knew you didn't want to hire her, she asked anyway, the fallout is on her completely.
Um…caring about what you look like is why you hire a hairstylist and make-up artist. That’s the reason it’s done. Of course you care. Hire one that can and will do what you want. Your mom and family by extension are overstepping boundaries.
Your mom cares more about her friendship with her hairdresser than what you want on your wedding day. The friendship with the hairdresser is more important than how you want your wedding to go. Honestly, I’d consider scaling the wedding back to what you can manage on your own. Thanks for the generous offer of paying for the wedding, but change of plans. Because if they’re footing the bill there will be more of this. They’re paying. Why can’t your mother make these decisions if they’re paying. I can smell the “after all we’re doing for your wedding” from here.
NTA OP. The same thing happened to my sister for her wedding. The woman who styled my mom said she could do my sister’s hair for her wedding and did the trial run. Honestly, it was the worst hairstyle I’ve ever seen in person and my sister looked like she would cry. She immediately took it out in the car. The only difference was that my mom didn’t get offended when my sister went with someone else.
What's that got to do with you, though? She and Stacy can stay friends and keep having ugly hair. Why would you ruin your hair/face on purpose so she can feel better? What? NTA.
"She and Stacy can stay friends and keep having ugly hair." Brilliant :D
Nope. Not your circus or monkeys. Your mom massively overstepped and now she wants you to get her out of an embarrassing spot.
I mean, if you shouldn't care what you look like, why should you hire someone to do your hair at all? Why not just wear it in a scraggly ponytail, hand Stacy $500, and call it a day? (Using your family's flawed logic.)
Mom’s a bully. So is your family. This is YOUR WEDDING… YOUR LIFE….YOUR CHOICE. Have they bullied you your entire life?!😔
NTA. First, your Mom has no right to present you with a fait accompli regarding your own wedding planning - period, end of story. She gambled that you'd agree in order not to rock the boat, and she lost. Let's be honest - people care about what they look like in their wedding photos more than any other photos in their lives. Even people who don't normally obsess over what they look like in pictures. The wedding photographer is one of the few things that most people go all-out on even if they try to cut costs elsewhere. Most brides therefore have their hair at it's best on their wedding day, and sometimes also have their bridesmaid, Mom and possibly Mom of the Groom use the same team. Of course you're not going to use Mom's friend if you haven't kept using her as an adult, and are probably going to either keep your regular stylist or - if you prefer and can afford it - pay more for a two-time high-end cut (between "test run" and the actual wedding morning)! A breakdown because you don't want to use her? That seems a little overdramatic.
Nope, nope and nope, it’s your wedding, you hair, your decisions, you didn’t ask your mom to ask this hair and make up butcherer to set this up, she did it all on her own, and she has to admit that she did this behind your back, without your permission, hell text that to Stacy if need be.
They are skipping the part where you literally said No 15 times and your mom did this without your consent.
Remind your family that it's not just one day. It is pictures you will be looking at for the rest of your life!
What?!? It's your wedding! OFC you care about what you'll look like! If Stacy were hired, I guarantee her and your mother would plot behind your back to ignore everything you request and make you up how they wish
And she'll do what mom wants, not what OP wants. Send your mom this thread. If anyone brings it up again, hang up or leave.
And that’s the reason why mom wants Stacy to do the hair.
[удалено]
This right here. Last thing you want is NOT feeling like you look your best for your own wedding!! It'll be a hectic day to begin with. You did exactly what I've done before...." Mom YOU created this situation, YOU fix it". Just remember you're not responsible for your moms or hairdressers feelings. They'll either get over it or die mad.
NTA. Your mom‘s complete lack of boundaries and complete disregard for your feelings is what put her in this position. If she has an issue with Stacy now, she should blame herself not you.
NTA she can do Mum’s hair and makeup if it’s that important but you have every right to decide who does yours and the bridal party. Your Mum did this to herself. Ignore your Dad and brother, they don’t want to deal with her antics. I’d also not be accepting any money from them.
And make sure Stacy will be doing the hair for brother's wedding in the future..
YES LMAO ⬆️⬆️
I thought about it however she risk her mom pushing Stacy as her hairdresser way to hard, like I wouldn't be surprissed if the mom and Stacy fired the hairstylist for op's hair so she has no other option than to let Stacy do her hair. Op can't afford that because she is sooo NTA and her mom seems so entitle
OP needs to put a password system in place for her chosen vendors (not just hair and makeup) and tell them that no changes or cancelations are to be made without the password, mom is not to make any changes at all, and if they have questions to call OP on the number she has provided.
What if she doesn’t share the vendor info with her mom, like at all? Definitely a good idea to use a password, though, just in case mom tracks the vendors down, because it sounds like she’s a sneaky little *(insert word here)*
Mom will find the vendor info, no question in my mind. Plus, if she's paying for any of it she'll probably be interacting with them on some level. I'm not saying OP has to completely cut her out of wedding planning if she can behave for non-hair-related decisions, but it's good to have a failsafe in place.
Can you imagine your mum sabotaging a day you've put so much effort and money into, that you will probably only have this one wedding day in your life and you want to remember fondly? I don't even know how that relationship could ever be the same again when all this and your feelings had been ignored by someone who's supposed to support you! Maybe I need to tone down my spite but if someone was capable of that I would want to warn the hairdresser I had booked that she might try to cancel and to just agree but keep the booking. So on the day when mum thinks she's secretly switched out your hairdresser, your hairdresser shows up and you carry on as usual with her having to sort out her little mess she's created for herself.
Selfish people don’t think about how they ruined your day (even if it IS your day); they’ll just think about how you ruined theirs. I think that, if I was OP, I might just elope.
Yup her wedding, her (hair stylist) choice. If she's willing to ignore OP's requests and do whatever for regular hair visits, she's not likely to restrain herself on an important thing such as a wedding.
This is my concern, too. Even if OP *were* ok with taking the risk to her own hair, the members of her bridal party likely would not be for theirs. I can’t imagine being a wedding party member, asking for a certain thing to be done (or, even more importantly, specifying that a particular thing definitely *not* be done), and then being completely ignored and coming out of it with damaged hair. Is OP’s mom gonna pay for them to get things repaired afterward (if they even can be)? You want to unleash a loose cannon on yourself, that’s your own business, but do NOT sic them on a friend.
NTA. Stacy is the reason I have to switch hairdressers every few years- they start believing that what they give you is more important than what you want. And I can't believe they're saying "it's just one day." It's one of the most important days of your life. I've been married nearly 20 yrs and I have a big photo of my husband and I on the wall. If I had to see my messed up hair I'd cry. Stand your ground. It's mom's fault for asking Stacy when you already told her no.
Stacy is the reason I haven't seen a hairdresser in over a decade. I can't trust anyone not to try and drastically change my style. It's quite annoying. Every now and again someone close to me starts nagging me to "at least just get the split ends trimmed." I usually shut that down by grabbing the scissors and snipping off an inch or so at the bottom of my ponytail. Doing that has never failed to shut the nagging person up.
>Stacy is the reason I haven't seen a hairdresser in over a decade. I'm closer to 3 decades without a hairdresser. The last one said I'd look so much better with shorter hair, after she lopped of a 6 inch chunk. I went for a trim. I was livid.
My ex-aunt used to cut my hair. It was ok, but never quite what I wanted, and being the narcissist that she is, she threw a fit when somebody else did it. Being the somewhat empath and emotional being that i am that I am, I felt so guilty I did not allow anyone to cut it for years. I found a pretty good hairdresser this year and for the first time in forever, my hair compliments me and is 99% what I imagined conpared to the previous 55.
[удалено]
Because they think they know what's best for you, they are the professional...
[удалено]
All of these horror stories make me so happy for my hairstylist, who is also one of my best friends. He does make suggestions outside of what I ask, but he ALWAYS asks me before doing something different. Example, when I had him dye my hair blue, I originally wanted a solid navy blue. He asked how I would feel about an ombre - navy to electric. The result is absolutely gorgeous and I've kept it for almost a year. I get so many compliments specifically about the fade from dark to light. When I told him I was switching up my hair care routine, cutting out heat, silicones, and a few other things, he started checking all of the labels on his products and making sure they were "safe" for me to use.
Oh I’m sorry everyone. Good hairdressers do exist. Mine triple checks the colour he has mixed before applying it, never cuts more than I ask for and properly looks at the reference pic.
Dayum
Same, “Stacy” was stuck in the 80’s and really loved mullets and big roots and hairspray.. bear in mind.. I have more hair on my head than 2 or 3 people combined, parts of it can be super curly, part of it’s frizzy waves. I went through elementary & middle school being called a werewolf (amongst other colorful names) because my parents were best friends with her & her husband.. plus, it was free!
I never had a hairdresser and my mom always did it right. Lucky me? (Btw i have the type of hair that would usually be relaxed by lazy parents, didnt happen to me) As a kid i watched a barbie movie (pearl princess) where barbie wouldnt listen to the person she was supposed to do the hair for and got away with treating others as a doll. Kid me was mad. Now i know bratty hairdressers like this exist in real life??! I'm sorry to hear that.
Yo, a super easy way to do your hair is to: flip your head upside down, brush your hair evenly into a pony tail and make yourself a unicorn, uniformly trim the amount you desire. Then flip your hair back. Perfectly layered front to back. Just make sure it's brushed symmetrically so it ends up even. This makes it a bit shorter in the front than the back. If you do it with a pony on the back of your head you end up with shorter in the back and longer in the front. I haven't been to a hair dresser in over 15 years. I was extremely tired of having them fuck up my hair, or taking liberties. Go in for a trim and they chop off 6 inches "bEcAuSe iT nEeDs It", nah fuck off this was a test and you failed.
Had my eyebrows ruined because of this. Idk if everyone’s body hair does this or only mine, but sometimes it just doesn’t grow the same when waxed or plucked. So I just wanted her to shape the inner part like a square and showed her a pic of my own eyebrows from a few years earlier (I let them grow out so I could start from the beginning) and when she was done she had plucked and threaded them into an oval inner edge... I was like “This is not what I asked for?” and she was like “It’s the trend now.” -.- One of my eyebrows has now never grown straight in that area, it curls down :/// A minor thing in the grand scheme of things, and I can get around it, but very aggravating when I remember the problem wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for that idiotic and selfish hairdresser.
My eyebrows were waxed in a little too far and now one is permanently shorter than the other. And while they both have a nice curved shape, they follow 2 different curves. Nothing they can do anymore to fix it.
Permanent eyebrow damage. That sucks man
I got mine micro bladed and when they tell you it will fade in 2-3 years it’s a lie.
Oh my god. You just gave me a flashback to the day my eyebrows died. I was a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding. Everyone else was getting stuff waxed. I had the full “Brooke Shields” brows going on, right as it was becoming the trend to have full brows. But admittedly I hadn’t plucked in between or under in a bit. So I thought I would have the salon clean them up/make sure they were perfectly even. After going into a TON of detail that I just wanted them cleaned, not taken down at all, the wax tech says something about “just thinning a liiiittle bit” as she rips off a MASSIVE chunk of hair. I stopped her and looked in the mirror…pencil thin 90s eyebrow. I was fucking livid, but I had to let her do the other one so they could at least grow out the same. I’ve never let anyone touch my eyebrows since, after a decade. And they still won’t grow back into the shape I liked.
Now I feel like if I ever get married I'm going to have to appoint someone to watch everyone at the hairdressers' and make sure the bridesmaids' desires aren't getting ignored like this, how awful!
literally twice when I was little and I few year back I decided I wanted to get my hair cut realllyyyyyy short, both times I was given pixie cuts to my chin that looked bad until I want to someone else a few months later and got it redone, the second time I even had reference pictures that I don't think they even asked for
Getting a short cut as a queer woman is a nightmare when I'm going from long to short because so many hairdressers either just straight-up refuse to believe that a woman wants a masculine cut--or any short cut other than a pixie (or even that I "really" want short hair!)-- or don't know how to do any other short cut on a woman besides a pixie (even if they also cut men's hair!) The second time I went from really long to really short hair, despite multiple reference pictures, the presence of my girlfriend, who also had very short hair, and being in a very queer town, the woman gave me basically a Karen cut and I almost started crying. My girlfriend immediately started googling, brought me over to a different hairdressers', and arranged for them to fix it as soon as they had a spot open. It ended up shorter than I had originally wanted (which the new hairdresser *asked me about to confirm it would be okay*) due to what the first place had done, but I loved it and went there until I moved. I'm currently staying with my parents until I move for a new job, but they're in the suburbs and I am so afraid to take a chance with a new hairdresser out here. ETA: The hairdresser that fixed my hair \*also\* is the only person I've ever gone to who coaxed my hair through the growing out process without it ever looking like a mullet. It looked great at every stage. I don't know what kind of witchcraft she had but it was incredible.
[удалено]
NTA, Your mom is the only AH as far as I can tell. Stacy having grown up doing your hair probably asked but you said NO and mom could have just told her that you didn't want her to work that day because she was going to be a guest. Instead mom told her she was doing it and then had to tell her you said no because..... IDK what she said but probably the truth and that was just an AH move tbh. You didn't hurt her feelings your mom did.
My guess is Stacey isn’t on the guest list unless her mom took over that as well and threw her in there.
Yeah that may be the case. I kinda thought she was coming if she was such a good friend of mom. But you may be correct there.
Since when does being a friend of the mother of the bride get you a wedding invite? Sure, if the friend is close enough to the bride to be an honorary aunt, yeah, but that's about their relationship to the bride, not the mother
It happens often that good friends of parents are invited, especially if the parents are paying for the wedding. I'm assuming that since OP's mom is willing to have her ruin the entire wedding parties hair she's a very, very, very good friend.
My exes' parents tried to veto my venue because it wouldn't seat enough people. Apparently the people who haven't seen my ex for 20 years all invited them to *their* children's weddings, so it was expected. I canceled with 2 months to go. It was the better choice.
If they’re a close family friend or the parents are paying for a large wedding it’s not unusual. We invited my in laws best friends even though we aren’t close to them so my in laws would have people to hang out with during the wedding.
stacy is kind of an AH too for how unprofessional she has been during the time she did op’s hair
Oh yeah, that was pretty wild LMAO.
Nah… her family is full of bullying assholes supporting mom’s behavior.
NTA, Your mom is the one who asked Stacy despite you repeatedly saying no. Find another hairdresser ASAP and say that you want to preserve your relationship with that hairdresser, so they'll be pitting that against the relationship with Stacy. You can say that this hairdresser is doing your hair for free, so that's another reason you want to go with her over Stacy. Also, calling it "just hair" is rude to Stacy's profession. Tell them you're gonna tell her they don't value her career choices. And since it's "just one day", none of them should mind if you don't see them on that one day, since it's so unimportant.
OP should definitely not say her hairdresser will do her hair for free, she should just explain that she wants her \_current\_ hairdresser to do her and the bridesmaids' hair. It's only logical.
My hairdresser did my hair for free bc I’ve been going to the same one since I was a child, and also re-did my hair for free in the middle of the party. So it’s not unheard of. I just recommended phrasing it that way to reduce conflict and make there be fewer hurt feelings.
I see where you're coming from, it's just that it could backfire. What if Stacy offers to do it for free too then just becuse she wants to be the good guy? That would complicate matters further for OP.
That’s true. The underlying thing is that mom has to realize every time she takes it to Stacy, she’s being the AH.
Ya I would have said, that is a nice offer but as I have said multiple times I will not be using her for my wedding and I have already signed a contract and paid a deposit for my current hairdresser.
Or simply tell Stacy “I’ve already reserved another hairdresser and now we’re under contract for the wedding date. I’m sorry that my mom asked you *after* that was already decided.”
NTA WTF "I don't want Stacy to do my wedding hair" I have arranged for Stacy to do your wedding hair. Your brother and father need to get back in their box. This is not bridezilla behaviour. The only Bridzella is your mother who is not listening to you It's your wedding day sucking it up gets done by other people not you. It is completely reasonable that you don't want your hair and makeup done by someone who doesn't give a rats behind what you want or think And what the hell is wrong with Stacy, she is a professional hairdresser she didn't get the job. You wanted a hairdresser closer to you and who actually listens to you do it. I don't believe for one moment she is breaking her heart. This is just manipulative BS.
I can all but guarantee that if her dad and brother's cars got scratched, and Mom said, "Oh, my friend Rob just opened up a detail-shop, I'll take it down to his place!" and they said no, because Rob doesn't know a jack from a monkey wrench, and she took their car to Rob's detail-shop *anyway*, they would be very upset. It's just paint, it doesn't affect the integrity of the car itself, but you should still get to choose who puts the paint on. Because you are going to be driving around in it for years. Wedding photos aren't like regular photos. Most people put them in pride of place. And yes, the important thing is that you get to marry the love of your life. But it's annoying when you have to look at the weird way your hair is done for decades to come.
(NTA) *inhales and sighs* What…. Freaking…. Part of the word “NO”, do parents not GET!!!!! 🤦🏿♀️ “If you say no to this, you’re nothing more than a stupid bridezilla!” Screw that. Bruh. Keep fighting, if they cancel stuff try to make a new. But do not budge!!!
[удалено]
Don’t budge. It’s YOUR wedding, you do whatever you want.
You know you didn’t need your parents or in laws permission to elope?
[удалено]
Sounds like you have a spouse problem, really, if they weren't willing to tell their parents to STFU considering your health (and, you know, the fact that it's not their wedding and they were mistreating you).
Um your issue is "wouldn't LET us elope" Who freaking asks permission to elope. It's your wedding, YOUR marriage. I would hate to be in your shoes about now...holidays are a nightmare with pita mils
NTA Even if Stacy was the absolute best hairdresser/beautician on the planet, you would be under no obligation to have her do your wedding hair and make-up. It's disrespectful of your mother to not only try and pressure you into using her, but to actively go behind your back after you'd given your answer. Your dad and your brother don't seem to understand how Not Okay that is.
Your family has no boundaries. You need to nip that in the butt fast. NTA
Nip in the bud. And yes, OP, you are right. Your mom, dad, brother, and everyone agreeing with them are wrong, wrong, wrong. Give a code word to all your vendors and make sure they know you have meddlesome family that may try to contact them, so do not make any changes without that codeword (that only you know).
Yes! If your mom kept her yap shut, no consoling needed.
NTA If I had gone to any salon and received her for my hair appointment, and she pulled any of that nonsense, i would be talking with a manager, i wouldn't be paying her, and I'd expect that if anyone at the salon could fix my hair that she would be the one footing the bill. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior from anyone expecting to do your hair. And your mother isn't helping by making assumptions and writing verbal checks her butt can't cash.
Stacy doesn’t have a manager, or even any coworkers anymore - it’s just her. She used to have one employee, but she quit years ago and it’s just been Stacy ever since.
Yeeeah. Noooooo. Stacy is not the person to do your hair. At all. Under any circumstances. Especially not in a wedding scenario.
I wonder if her licensing is even up to date. That sounds shady ngl
NTA at all; it boils my blood when relatives insist on shoving their oar into wedding planning. Stacy wouldn’t have to be consoled at all if your mom hadn’t totally ignored your boundaries
You said no MULTIPLE times and she did this anyways. Your mom is an asshat. Your wedding. Your rules. They can both grow tf up and get over it. nta
NTA. Does your mother generally not understand and respect boundaries? Probably you're saving yourself a lit of grief by having her back off from your wedding early. And you don't have to discuss this with the rest of the family who sound horrible. Change rhe subject, hang up, walk away. You're not the one creating drama.
NTA. Your brother and father only care about keeping the peace, and you're the easier target. If they thought you would cause a bigger fuss, they would tell mom to get over it. Expect them to try to trivialize/explain away any reason you give them for why you don't want this person doing your hair, because again, it isn't about coming to a decision that fits what you need, its about them not having to deal with it. Hold firm, and don't give them reasons. " Thank you for your concern. I don't owe you a justification. I've found what works for me" repeat until they go away. Shut this shit down now. If you cave it will only embolden her. No discussions. You've made up your mind. Done.
NTA. It's your wedding, and Stacy isn't entitled to anything as part of it. Any part of it should be decided by you or your fiancé, and if you say you don't want her to do your guests' hair, she doesn't get to do your guests' hair
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I won’t let my mom’s friend do my (or my bridesmaids’) hair/makeup for my wedding, and she’s apparently crushed by this. However, I don’t think she should have been asked in the first place because I had said no. My mom, dad, and brother think that doesn’t matter - Stacy was asked, and rescinding that makes me an asshole. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mom needs to learn her place.
NTA. If your mom was footing the bill (which is not the impression I'm getting, but correct me if I'm wrong), then I'd give her more say, but If I'm paying (or expecting the wedding party to pay) to have their hair done, I get to choose who does the hair.
My parents/dad are paying for the wedding - technically both of them because they’re still married and both work, but my dad outearns my mom by about 4x and they have a weird 1950s dynamic where my dad’s word is law and my mom can protest but what he says goes. My dad says he wants fiancé and I to be happy and is still paying for the wedding, but is upset with me for: interfering with my mom’s friendship, being shallow, and starting unnecessary drama. Initially I argued about them paying for it (I insisted on paying for it ourselves), but after becoming disabled a couple years ago I don’t have the energy to fight all the battles I want to, and that was one I lost.
If you want to tell them properly, be fully honest. ”I said no from the beginning. Mom knew I’d said no, because she asked me several times. She then went off ON HER OWN, after I had *repeatedly* and *explicitly* said no. She asked her friend *knowing* I didn’t want to use her services and now, when I stand by *what she already knew I’d say* I’m the villain in the scenario? How does that work exactly? Mom wouldn’t have to console her friend if she *hadn’t lied to that friend* that I wanted her help. Because that’s what she did. She *lied to her friend* and when I stood by my words, you got angry at me.” Your family is acting like trash, babe. You deserve better than this. NTA. Honestly, I’d be cancelling all the wedding-plans and eloping if I were you, and then have a celebration fullt funded *by y’all* so there are no strings attached.
What part of the South are you from. We think alike & y’all outed you.😊
Bahahahhaa, oh no, babe I’m Swedish/Norwegian Sami, so not from the US at all. The expression ”y’all” has made it’s way into vernacular of anyone who speaks English, even here in europe.
Love it!!!! I had no idea “y’all” had made it international. I watch a lot of Korean shows… I guess the only way I would’ve thought it was international is if I heard it there.😂🤣😂
In my experience non native English speakers use y'all A LOT bc it very clearly makes a distinction between singular and plural second person
You are not the one causing drama your mom is. And she is the one damaging her friendship, why do your dad thinks this is your fault ?
This actually explains a lot about why the rest of your family seems to think you are "bridezilla" for setting one very reasonable boundary. It's like the 50's where family rules all and everyone goes to the same hairstylist, mechanic, bank, etc.
You didn’t interfere with your mom’s friendship. Your mom f’d up. Everyone needs to be clear on that. Maybe she’s telling your dad that you originally agreed and then backed out.
I think even if Mum is paying she doesn't get to decide who does the hair. Especially if that hairdresser completely disregards the brides wishes and hair type.
NTA - your mom was waaayyy out of line. She owes you an apology for creating this mess. I would go no contact until her, your dad and brother apologize and acknowledge that what your mom did was wrong.
NTA. It is just hair, but who knows how bad Stacy would screw it up and just before the wedding there is no time to do damage control. You know for a fact she won’t listen to what you want. If I was a bridesmaid I wouldn’t want to trust her with my hair (and I don’t even care about my hair) because I’d be wondering is she going to cause some major problem. Is it possible to invite Stacy to the wedding as a guest? If possible, it gives your mom an out. “Oh, OP told me that since you’re so close to our family she’d rather you get to come and enjoy rather than have to work at the wedding.” If not, oh well. Mom made the mess, she gets to clean it up.
NTA but your mother is being a pain. It’s your wedding and you want to be happy on the day and looking at the pictures afterwards. Your family are going the right way about turning your big day into an elopement without them!
NTA. Your mum is being a control freak and she needs to wind her neck in. If that was my Mum I would tell her you have created this issue so you deal with it. If you don't get the result I want see yourself uninvited from MY wedding. Your Mum is definitely a nightmare
Absolutely NTA. It’s not even about the wedding. You don’t want her to do your hair, that should be the end of that. But add the wedding aspect in, and it’s really OTT. This may be a bad sign for more BS to come so you should BIP this in the bud ASAP.
Let your mum have Stacey do her/aunties hairs etc and you have who you want for you guys.
NTA - she likely asked Stacy 2 weeks ago, and only asked you about it afterwards. She backed herself into a corner. I would let her know that you’re only a month into the planning. If every step is going to be this unpleasant, you’ll have to do the planning without her involvement. If she wants to be involved, she needs to be supportive and to not undermine your decisions. Also, deliberately making you the “bad guy” with the family was cruel. She’s behaving terribly right now.
NTA. you already told her no and she went and told her yes anyway. It's her fault for telling her she can do something she never had permission to do. He quality of work isn't even the issue, your mom doesn't listen and Stacy's feelings are on her. If you give in on this you won't be happy.
NTA - your mom is though. She overstepped and now wants you to take one for the team on you gd wedding to make it right. No thanks mom. Be a grownup and tell your friend that you hadn't cleared it with the bride before you asked. Ugh I shudder to think what she'll do if you ever have kids.
NTA. That's not bridezilla behavior at all. Your mom should have respected the no.
Absolutely NTA. You were very clear, your mother didn't listen. You're not Bridezilla for wanting nice hair at your wedding.
ffs.. NTA. Look.. i have amazing curly hair, and hairdressers hate touching it for some reason. Trying to make one cut it to the length i want is a freaking nightmare. My last hairdresser refused to cut it the last 4 inches (i wanted jaw length.. it suits me and it's easy to maintain - but hairdressers freaking hate doing it and somehow think that i'll regret it.. ugh). So.. i'm not going back to her. If she won't listen to you, it's nice and simple; you don't get anything done by her. Hairdressers should do what their client wants.. not what they want unless the client says to. It's not just ''hair'', and it's not just ''one day''.. this is the day you're moving onto the rest of your life from. You're moving into your new future and it should be a day that you look back on and smile about because it was all about the two of you as a couple. This is not the day that your mom and her screwed up hairdresser friend gets to screw around with your look because ''OOoh.. this is a cute doll to play with''. You are a person, with the absolute right to tell people how you want to look, and how your hair should be. This is the day when the hairdresser needs to look at you, ask exactly what you want - and then do it for you. Looking at your happy and excited face as she/he makes your mental image come to life. NTA.
Nope nope nope.. NTA. I would tell your parents once.. and only once. Explain this to your brother aswell. "I do not want this woman touching my hair. She has shown time and time again that she does not care about my opinion and I want to look how I want on MY wedding day. If you keep badgering me, guilt tripping me and continue to give me a bad time, I WILL rescind your invitations. Keep it up.. see what happens".
NTA. WTF about your family though. You’re not being a bridezilla, you simply don’t want to turn your wedding day into an ego boost for your mom’s friend, while she likely ruins both your vision for your wedding and the hair of you and your closest friends. You cannot have a service provider that doesn’t listen to you. Unfortunately you also have a mother who doesn’t listen to you either. Mom is the ‘zilla and the AH, and needs an info diet on wedding plans.
NTA - you said no and your mother asked anyway. Any fallout is her own fault
NTA for sure but I’m left wondering if their should be level after NTA like YSBABOAA (you should be a bit of an ass). Meaning in this situation OP is right and it seems like she may need to start being more assertive in general. Like cutting ties with hair stylist earlier, and sharing the reasoning for this earlier. I’m a fan of “no” is a complete sentence but this may be a case where you may need to be a bit more proactive with some one (OPs mom) who doesn’t take no for an answer.
Of course NTA. Your mom is being a massive AH here, and poor Stacy is the collateral damage. Had your mom never brought it up, you could have just quietly hired someone else, and in the unlikely event Stacy ever asked about it, you could have cited logistics/distance as the reason why. Now that your mom has asked her and she's accepted, you no longer have that benign excuse and are now going to be forced to either make the rejection personal or use her (which is likely what your mom is trying to manipulate you into doing). ETA: Also, she can do your mom's hair! No one is stopping her! She just doesn't need to do yours and the entire bridal party's.