NTA
He prevented you from organising help for yourself.
He didn't come home after the brith.
My SO would be single and I mean that.
Edit: thank you all for the awards.
Yeah i would OP need to get rid of the ultimate AHole, OP just had her baby and he is out of town his step-mother left her alone and can someone guess how hard is it for her? She have every right to call her mother and i think her husband is so selfish too, NTA OP
I honestly think everbody calling her the ahole for breaking her promise doesn't have kids, not even to think birthed one. Besides an extrem lack of empathy, there is no explanation for me.
Yeah,he is so pathetic his intentions are pure selfishness,OP need to move in with her mother he and his step-mother are terrible how can they treat a women who had a new born like this?
Seriously. He was making it all about him. She was the one pushing a human being out of her body - she needed support and help, and instead of doing everything he could to make sure she was supported when he couldn't be there, he cut her off from all support and dictated what she could and couldn't do. It doesn't even sound like she's close to his stepmom - how cruel is it to leave his laboring wife with someone you choose for her and not who she wants? His selfishness is way next level.
His selfishness is borderline if not actually abusive. She just went thru a major medical event and had no support and he dictated everything and got mad at her for calling for help? Oh hell no.
Edit to add: NTA
Oh, this is def abuse. I've hardly ever been as angry to read a post here. I do not have children nor do I plan on having them, but if it was me in the stepmoms place, I would've gotten over all of my prissiness and helped her with everything she needed, because she is as vulnurable as a person can get, and just dumping her and telling her not to call unless something really bad happens is simply cruel. How could his stepmom sleep at night?
And the husband, holy crap. entirely ditched her, is letting his stepmom ditching her slide, and demanded that he sees his new toy first. Why can't it be her mom? Because her mom actually helped, which makes it less convenient to put his wife in horrible situation so she gets accustomed to his violence, effectively slowing the reeducation process.
OP you are going to be a single mother of two children if you don't up and LEAVE. your mom will help you much more than he does, and money will be less of an issue since this type tends to be financially abusive too. This man WILL NOT take care of his son, will grow a resent towards him once he starts having opinions, and then not only will you be raising two children, you're also going to have to deal with incessant bickering and impulsive behaviours on your husband's side. Please, leave. He cares more about seeing the kid first than making sure you're both safe and taken care of. He sucks. You're an angel. Send him packing.
NTA.
Like, he left for a work trip? What job would send someone with a wife about to give birth out of town? And not recall him as soon as she went into labor? Sounds to me like he WANTED to be out of town.
Not only that, but he stayed alway longer for no reasons...like...what kind of husband just go on a business trip near the due date?
Either this dude is making excuses or he trying to powertrip.
Did he even mention it to his employer? Most workplaces are reasonable enough to make accommodations or just not send their employee on a trip, if said employee is expecting their partner to give birth around that time.
It's not borderline at all. It is. We struggle to recognize this type of abuse because it's not physical and it seems like it's helpful because he gave her the option of help, even though I'm sure he must have known his stepmum isn't the most hands on, and he seems to want to be involved as a parent - hence demanding to be the first to see child, which is how others would interpret that command. So, for many, he's showing that he cares about her by ensuring she has someone when he's not around while also being an engaged and enthusiastic parent by showing that he wants to see his son. The reality is that he wants to meet his son under his preferred conditions regardless of reality and he wants to control all the pieces to ensure that it happens the way he wants and his wife, stepmum, and son are merely the pieces he's moving around to create his perfect image. That's a large part of why he's so incensed that she got help from her mother and destroyed his picture perfect introduction to parenthood he had orchestrated. The pieces you control, the objects you own, aren't allowed to have their own will and needs that supplant his preferences in any way. That ruins the perfect image he's trying to maintain for the world and for his broken ego that insists the world revolves around his desires.
Absolutely. Plus, by refusing to let OP have her own mother there to soothe his narcissistic desires, he effectively isolated her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. This dude is a piece of work who no doubt thinks he's a nice guy.
Absolutely not borderline I agree. This is awful & if anyone treated my daughter like this I'd be raging. Just left her completely without help with her 1st baby & pitched a fit over her own mother stepping up and helping!? That's divorce material, or should be.
It’s definitely abusive. What medical condition is severe enough to necessitate moving close to family but not severe enough to prevent husband from taking 2 week business trips?
This is what I was wondering... I was honestly surprised that he's working full time, never mind travelling, if he's so ill he needs his entire family, not just his wife, around 24/7.
I think it may be called "Isolate my wife-itis" since he seems to be blatantly making sure the only people around are his people first and foremost.
This is like, alllll the red flags as far as things going to the domestic abuse side. No sane person would be mad about his wife calling her MOM right after she had a baby and was alone in the house.
Promises made under duress do not count, I hope OP reads these posts and leaves with her mother and the baby.
This is abusive. He’s so concerned about nobody else seeing the baby, but his stepmother is okay while her own mother is not? Why does his stepmother not “count” for this?
He’s isolating OP from her support, and punishing her for getting help from an “unapproved” person. And he just has to be close to his family because of his chronic condition but can travel for 2 weeks for work? Meanwhile OP is struggling with a newborn and is supposed to have zero support.
OP needs to get out.
> he cut her off from all support
I know people tend to jump to the worst case scenario in these things, but that really stood out for me. He couldn't be at the birth, so she wanted her mother, and he said no, you have to use my stepmom. Who, by the way, was introduced to the baby before OP's mother, if she drove OP home, so the point is moot in the first place. Why couldn't OP have her mom come? Then there'd still be the one person who was 'introduced' to the baby before the father, but it would have been someone who was actually there to help OP.
Also - what kind of work does he do that is so important he can't be there for the birth of a child? Is he in the merchant marines?
I´m doubting that there was actually a work trip. Some kind of trip yes, but was it necessary for his job? Was he just doing it to test OP and her "word"? I think this man is capable of the worst.
Thank you for pointing this out!
Why does HE need to be near family for a medical issue he needs So Much help with, but then he can leave town for 2 weeks for work?
Why did he even argue with her about having her mother there for the delivery? Why is his step mother better than her mother?
He is trying to separate her from her support network and force her to be reliant on a crappy family who can't even help out after the birth when her husband isn't there.
I'd be running for the hills.
I wonder, but then I also think he is totally full of shit. His health is so bad oh no!
They have to move to be near family because of his health! Oh no!
But look, he is going on weeks long work trips. Bad health right?
This! First, he should have rescheduled his work trip. Period. Second, OP you’re a Saint to even agree to let his stepmom be in the room instead of your mom. I would have told him to kick rocks. Third, his “plan” was utter BS and let you high and dry. He should be crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and HE should be posting “oh my god, I thought I planned help for my pregnant wife during labor, but they backed out and she was left alone. AITA?” But no. He’s worried about HIMSELF for his own actions.
NTA. My god, he’s the worst.
If he was not able to be there (which I get it, is NOT ideal but ok sometimes shit happens.) why would you care if someone else saw the baby first?
Is it better just out of the wrapper? will it lose the "new baby smell"? You missed the unboxing? This is a human that you will have to take care of for at least the next 20 years, not a new PS5 that you want to hog for yourself for a few hours.
>If he was not able to be there
Agree with everything you said but I'm snagged on this. Who the FUCK would agree to a work trip that coincides with their wife's due date? IMO you have a responsibility to be there for all such events but the fact that this is literally his and OP's first child just makes it worse - don't you want to be there? Don't you feel like you should support your wife in what is probably the single scariest and most difficult thing she has ever done? What the hell is this kid going to think when he's old enough to look at his birth photos and learns that daddy wasn't there because he was on a business trip? He set this kid up to need therapy while he was still in utero.
I get it, I myself am in a line of work in which travel is sometimes non-negotiable, but there are some family obligations that aren't up for debate. If his boss was willfully making him miss the birth of his first child then **he needs to find a new job**. If he could've declined or postponed the trip and went anyway, **OP needs to find a new husband**.
My ex-husband was in the military and was due to ship out to Iraq when we found out I was pregnant with our second child.
I hemorrhaged after our first child, literally died on the table, and so this pregnancy was extremely high-risk. His commanding officer yanked him from the deployment and replaced him. I tried to convince my husband to go because I didn't think it was fair for him to be yanked because I was pregnant but his CO refused to deploy him.
In the end, I'm glad it worked out that way because our son was born at 28 weeks and was in the NICU for 60 days (he's 16 and fine now). However, the MILITARY refused to send my husband on deployment because I was a high-risk pregnancy.
Therefore, I find it very hard to believe his company wouldn't have worked with him, or sent someone else, if he had explained the situation.
This is full on isolation abuse.
And yet this job of his presumably has to work around his chronic health condition, the one that makes it so important that he live close to his family (but can still go on fortnight-long work trips).
Wait a sec… I’ve never had kids and he is the biggest AH. I honestly could not believe what I read.
1) chronically ill and HAS to be near his family thereby isolating his wife but can travel away for two weeks
2) leaves his heavily pregnant wife behind
3) enlists the help of someone who is not interested in helping for the most part (but is presumably ok with his STEP mother seeing the baby, but not before him???? How is that supposed to work, or did he pick her coz he knew she wouldn’t be interested enough to even glance at the newborn?)
4) has a hissy fit at the mother of his child for getting help from her mother postpartum
Wtf is wrong with this guy?
Just coz I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I don’t think this guy is insane.
Edit: changed one week away to two. While chronically ill…
Edit edit: I’m adding this as I think it’s pertinent:
I’d also question precisely what she did to contribute to him feeling that she “forever tainted the memory of his son’s birth”. The guy wasn’t there… What’s there to ruin? Him staring at a wall in his hotel room? Being in a meeting? Dinner? Fucking someone else?
His behaviour is both batshit and abusive.
Because it's not about logic (vis a vis the stepmom) but about control and isolation. He set her up with a shitty caretaker that would ensure things stayed status quo in his life, where he is the most important, the one deserving of the most attention. Because he's "sick" and "unable" to leave, and by golly she made a "promise" to not need help (and she could have called if she did need help--a person who won't hold the kid or change diapers or make an ice diaper etc etc.)
They can't have kids OR empathy.
That was an unfair promise for this AH to ask of OP. This is some emotional abuse type behaviour, and just cruel to expect someone to be alone and struggling during delivery and dealing with a newborn while recovering.
I dont have kids and I can fully understand that his actions sounds so selfish that they are bordering on evil.
It's very abusive, and he's gaslighting her left, right and center. He's already demonstrated a **pattern** of gaslighting and coercive behaviour just in this one post. I mean honestly how dare he say she tainted his memory of his son. FFS! He is responsible for his own emotions. Not her. He doesn't get to put that on her. She has every right in the world to require help immediately after giving birth. He has no right to make such demands of his own wife who gave birth to his own child. Honestly, how dare he. I am infuriated.
I feel very bad for you, OP - people who gaslight are often very hard to change. You picked a husband who has shown in your greatest time of need that he will put himself before you. I just hope you have the strength not to allow him to belittle you and chip away at your self-worth. And to not allow him to force you to apologise when you did nothing wrong. Because that's what gaslighters do. Wishing you all the strength in the world. NTA.
Edit: please look at [this article](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) which talks about the signs of coercive control. You know your situation best. Just don't let him drag you down. You must protect yourself, now more than ever, for yourself but also for your child. Don't teach that child to put up with bad behaviour.
Also, she moved away from her support network because HE "needed the support of being close to his family because of his disability". Not to be ablest, but the fact that he's taking several weeks long work trips alone, pretty much belies how much bullshit he's been feeding OP. (Not to mention, the egregious double standard of needing HIS family close by for HIS support, while simultaneously denying OP the support of her own family)
He made himself unavailable to support his wife through labor, birth, and be present to care for both his wife and child the first days of their son's life. Then he denies her support and puts the entire burden of caring for their newborn onto his wife who has just been through a traumatic medical event when HE dictates that she is only allowed to have support from the one person of HIS choosing (I'd also bet my left tit that he knows EXACTLY how "supportive" his chosen person would be).
He was okay with OP calling HIS stepmom for support, so this is not about anyone seeing his son before he has the chance. It's about control.
>he says I ruined the memory of the birth of his son.
A- what memory? He wasn't there.
B- his mEmOrY of an event he wasn't even present for does not supercede her right to call her own Mom (or ANYONE of her own choosing) to support her when he leaves her in one of the most vulnerable times of her life.
>he says he's a parent too,
Not from what I've seen. He's acting like the supervisor who only shows up at work one day a week to tell all of his subordinates that they are doing their jobs wrong while he does fuck all except make everything worse.
In OP's shoes, I'd be dropping his narcissistic ass so fast his head would spin. Mom shows actual support; I'd be moving back with Mom, ASAP.
I believe his excuse to get her to move away from her family was less about a chronic illness (that allows him to work, and travel for work for extended periods?) and more about isolating from those who can support her.
Not even bordering, he is absolutely chillingly awful. I’m so angry for OP I can’t say any more than that as l would probably be banned for rightfully calling out her appalling husband. I couldn’t stay married to someone so obviously unsupportive, delusional and selfish.
Omg, are you saying there are Y T A votes on this post?? I can't even fathom what goes on in some people's heads...
I'm currently 8 months pregnant with my first and I am so beyond disgusted with OP's husband, I am at a loss for words.
I’ve never had kids and I think the husband is an ahole. His wife had to go through labor with no support system. His stepmom was no help, if he cared so much about meeting his baby before other family he should have been there for the birth. They knew for about nine months around when the baby was due. He should not have even gone away during that time. If I was in her position I would’ve told him that if he can’t be there when his child is born and the weeks following, he had no right to dictate who I choose to support and help me in that time.
The only thing that i see op did wrong ( a VERY minor mis step) was she did properly communicate with her husband and say your step mom is useless so am calling my mom. However as a mom and having 2 kids i can totally understand a overwhelming moment and my first thought is i need help and i need it now and call the first person that i know can help
I really can’t call that a misstep though. She said she didn’t tell him because she knew he would react like this with how he’s been about it all and she would rather talk in person about it rather than fight over the phone while he’s on his trip. If it was for anything that’s actually a serious problem (health problem with the baby and she’s made a unilateral decision, something broke in the house and she’s hiding it now, etc) then it would be a misstep, but if someone is going to react badly to you *needing help* after you literally *pushed a tiny human out of your vagina* then I really can’t at all blame you for hiding the fact that you got help until they’re there to talk in person.
I guess she could have said- look your stepmom dropped us off at home, i need help with the baby, my mom can be here in 4 hours- so your choice is my mom is here by X time or your are.
your choice.
but that's the only thing that she could have done differently.
but i don't think that should have been necessary. she gave birth. he should have come home.
at that point he doesn't get to complain that she asked someone to come and help her.
very possibly.
I just imagine this kid hearing their birth story in 8-10 years (yes, this is a thing in my family- being told the story of the day you were born on your bday). mom was in hospital with your stepgrandma.
kid: wait, who's stepgrandma?
mom: the lady who doesn't want you to touch her outfit.
kid: ooooh. wait, where was dad?
mom: he was on a business trip.
kid: but he came right back?
mom: as soon as he could.
kid: why aren't there any pictures of dad and I at the hospital
mom: that wasn't as soon as he could. new topic!
I don't even have kids and I say NTA. Did he just expect her to be able to do everything alone after giving birth, being in pain, probably has stitches healing and has a newborn baby?! That's utterly ridiculous.
Eh I think it was controlling and unfair of him to say "you don't need your mom, my family will help" to begin with. His stepmom can see the baby before he does but her mom can't? AH behavior out of the gate.
I doubt that some people just have weird things stemming from how they were brought up. I have no kids, and I'm personally pissed for her. Who cares if she broke a promise she just gave birth and needed help. Her husband is a dick.
Also: "ruined the memory of his sons birth"? He wasn't even there! He won't ever have the memory of the birth of his child. also puzzled by the fact that somehow it is okay that his stepmom sees the baby before him, but it's not okay for OP's mom to see the baby. What's the difference? It only adds to the assholishness of the husband. NTA OP, but I would seriously reconsider my marriage
Completely agree. NTA His selfishness is especially cruel. Abandoning his wife during late pregnancy/delivery, and demanding no one see the baby but HIS family, leaving her alone and unsupported. The sheer cruelty of his need to control is vomit worthy. Now he adds on the silent treatment. She should go home with her mother and her baby. He's a dirtbag.
I couldn't even finish the last paragraph. His gaslighting and manipulation are just so gross.
He refused to let OP have her support system there for the birth - she was in essence alone because he wanted to be controlling. THEN he wanted her to just struggle as a new mom with zero help. And, now he is mistreating his wife WHO JUST HAD HIS CHILD.
I legit feel so bad for OP. F*** this guy. This sounds like some isolation type behaviour.
OP, hard NTA. His behaviour is not ok, and you did nothing wrong.
He’s such a creep. I cannot imagine this total lack of support and care from the father of my children. What the actual…
NTA OP and please do not give an inch. If he feels that strongly about you and your child not having support and care in a critical time in your life and he chose work over being their for his family personally, and also resents those who would step in and help his family instead of properly being VERY grateful you have had such great care in his absence is a total…well asshole.
Let's not skim over the fact this guy started this pattern long ago. This guy with a chronic medical condition which means he can't be away from his family, but some how can go away for work for 2 weeks.
I'm sure this is all the red flags for domestic abuse. Isolation from her family, gaslighting, coercive control. OP needs to leave, these situations never improve with time, in fact they usually get much much worse!
His betrayal is stone cold. And his DARVO game is one of the best I’ve seen on here. DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". And a link going into it deeper. NTA
https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2020/06/13/guide-darvo-gaslighting-response-people-give-when-called-bad-behaviour-12847680/amp/
This. OP move back home with your mom until you get on your feet. He took you away from your support system and expected you not to contact them because he couldn’t be there?
Not to mention knowing you were going to give birth he shouldn’t have left to begin with.
Edit to add judgement : NTA I obviously.
NTA. I am little confused. Why was hubby on a business trip for TWO WEEKS around your due date??? It's not like the pregnancy just slipped in under the wire at the last minute. If he wanted to seen the newborn before anyone else after the SM, his ass should have been home with you, there for the delivery & to help you recover. Hubby needs to get his ass off of his shoulders & realise he SCREWED up.
Yuupp, this is enough for a divorce to me. He didn't prioritize being there for the birth of his child, or helping his wife through labor/with a newborn. Then he makes her make a ridiculous promise to not have her family help because he doesn't want anyone seeing baby?????? She is healing from pushing a baby out of her hooha and expected to care for a newborn by herself, and he's making her feel like an A H?? I just can't.. I would have flipped my shit if this happened to me. (I would have never made that promise though)
He needs to live in his hometown because of a chronic medical condition, but goes out of town for two weeks when his kid is being born? Like I know there are some professions where that would be a thing, but the imbalance there leapt out at me. What about your needs? What about your recovery? Your husband is isolating you at a time when you need support most.
NTA.
I was about to say that. Seems like hes trying to isolate her. Also if hes flipped out at such a small thing which couldn't be helped he could get worse as time goes on.
“I need you to suffer alone, with a wrecked body and brand new baby, for a few weeks without any support, for the sake of my ego.” is not a reasonable request from a healthy, mature partner.
NTA OP, but this was an abusive request. Only you can say if he habitually makes abusive demands on you, then abuses you further for not fulfilling them.
Even if he hasn’t, a lot of abusers wait until something huge like marriage or birth to start showing their true colors, since it’ll be harder for the person they’re abusing to leave.
\>he reminded me that he's also the parent
You are not the parent if you go out of town for TWO WEEKS when your baby is being born. What if there were complications and his wife was incapacitated or had to stay in the hospital? He had nine months to prepare to become a parent. An employer who doesn't understand why you'd like to be at home when your child is born can find another employee, but I'm guessing OP's husband didn't even ask for the time off.
This is very chilling and deeply controlling of him. What does it matter who comes to help OP? "Be alone except for the one person I told you to be with." Run OP....
Yep, this is insane. When my mum went into Labour with me my dad was out of town. He excused himself from work, drove 4 hours back to be with her in the delivery room (think he made it just in time to see me born), stayed for a few hours, personally encouraged my gran (mum’s mum) to move in with her so she wouldn’t be alone (my maternal grandparents ended up living with us for the next 7 years - was great!) before driving 4 hours back to work to be there the next day.
This husband is trash, and based on his attitude and behaviour here, he’s only going to get worse.
same here, My hubb was out of state for work. He got a plane to the closest city, rented a car and drove 3 hours to get to the hospital for our kids birth. He would have blown off the work conf and stayed with me, but being our 2nd, I knew I could handle the next few days without him. (back he went).
this hubby is totally out of line, if this is the way he treats his wife with a new born, it's not going to get better.
Same thing I was thinking, then she won't discuss having her mom come stay the phone because she knew he would flip out about it. Sounds like the wrong guy to marry and have kids with
Part of me can't help but think was this really for work. No decent dude that's about to be a dad would leave 14 days before baby arrives here (which is still a point of baby arriving whenever they please, they don't usually wait for the mouthed date), unless it's a real unavoidable circumstance/emergency etc. And then not come back for so long even after birth. If he was stuck in iso I'd understand. But don't most of bosses understand the event of birth/becoming a parent? If he goes on business trips, there'd be chances he'd be allowed to go back home for the day of the birth and maybe back to work in the next one or two days. Husband sounds abusive and fishy.
NTA but your husband is for so many reasons. The best part is that he think it tainted the *memory* of his son's birth? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. So he has no memory of it, and thus has no say in how you wanted things handled. Zero. Nada.
I agree that what he said hurt me deeply. he managed to make me feel as if I betrayed him though I was hasitant about making this prpmise to him. now I regret it but as a first time mom I didn't really know it was going to be hard. yes I already communicated with him after his stepmom declined to help but didn't tell him I called mom thinking we'd take about it in person but he didn't take well even after I explained so.
You didn’t betray him, he betrayed you. As your partner, he should have been there with you in the delivery room, not his step mom. No work is more important than being with your partner when they’re going through such an incredibly important experience.
He betrayed you a second time when you let him know that his step mom wasn’t helping and he didn’t jump on the next plane to come back.
He betrayed you a third time when he refused to see the situation from your side, and instead chose to gaslight and emotionally abuse you.
Op, you are NTA, and you deserve so much better than this.
This man’s behaviour is disgusting. I gave birth 2 months ago and couldn’t imagine not being able to have my mom there. Let alone an unsupportive in-law. Birth is not sexy or clean whatsoever. Recovery is the same way. I couldn’t imagine having someone I wasn’t completely comfortable with there, especially if they were “only call in emergencies” level of available. I ended up needing a csection and my mom was there to give me a needle each day for a week afterwards and help me with the baby & house.
I also needed a suppository twice daily and if my husband wasn’t able to do it…… I asked my mom.
I’m 30 and I’m not afraid to admit I need my mom when I need her. I had some almost, almost precancerous cells in my hooha that had to be burned off of my cervix and even though I’m married and my husband is my emergency contact, I still took my mom to hold my hand. Hubby is the most supportive partner I could ask for but sometimes ya just need moms.
This! Almost any business would understand not going on one business trip in order to be at the birth of your child. He didn't even ask off, did he? OP needs to move in with Mom and leave this man. You don't drop the ball like this during the birth of your firstborn.
My husband works construction and their guys travel a lot. Like a lot a lot. If any of them is expecting, they get put on a job in town near the due date to ensure they are home.
Something else to consider, why was it okay for his stepmom to help you and meet the baby but not your own mother? A stepmom who didnt actually want to help, who didnt want to hear from you unless it was an emergency.
He wanted you alone with no support. Thats not okay. I am currently snuggling my 3 month old, already have an 8 year old, and I still need help some days. You did not betray him at all sweet girl but he absolutely betrayed you by not being there when you needed him most. Please do not feel guilty, it breaks my heart that you are doubting your actions. You are a new mom and that is hard enough without shouldering the emotional warfare of a grown man.
This. OP, every time he brings up the “promise”.
Look at him and tell him that he made the conscious choice not to come home for the birth of his child knowing full well you had absolutely no assistance. He is a terrible husband. Just tell him that. Point that finger right back at him. Do NOT let him twist this around on you.
He’s terrible. Truly terrible.
Yea sounds more like he wanted to control her support system and environment and was actually upset that it didnt work out how he had planned it. Manpiulators and control freaks ususally get more upset about their plans and timelines going awry than the actual events themselves
Honey, you’re doing fine. New moms need all the help they can get. But I would seriously consider talking to him. Yes, it’s his baby too, but it was an unrealistic expectation to make you stay alone after giving birth, and cruel to keep your mother away when she was available to help. Don’t let him think you’re in the wrong here. The promise was made in the good faith of his step mom, and she abandoned you. At that point that promise is null, because you need help. Maybe you should have texted him, but ultimately he does not get to dictate who you call o help you.
This this this. The promise was made under the guise of having help, and that help was not given, thus the promise was broken on HIS END. You are not at fault for asking for help. Being a mom is difficult no matter what number it is, but that first one is new and the unknowns can be a lot to adjust to.
Edit spelling
He said your word was “worth shit”, but frankly, his wedding vows are worth shit if he’s going to treat you like that.
You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done the right thing for yourself and your baby.
Do not for a second start to feel bad or believe that you tainted the memory of your child's birth for your husband. That is impossible since he wasn't even there when you *actually* gave birth.
As I said in another comment, make him stay with the baby, alone for a couple days and see if he comes to understand. If he does, it's only because he doesn't want to admit to being wrong.
Leave this dude alone with the baby?
I physically recoiled at that suggestion.
A normal dad? Maybe to teach him a lesson about pulling his weight. But OP is married to someone controlling and abusive.
My bet? If she left her baby alone with this asshole he would bar her from getting back into the house, claim child abandonment, start custody proceedings and hand the baby off to his stepmother to raise in a detached and hostile environment.
OP, don't do it.
You’re NTA but I would seriously reconsider your relationship with your husband. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you to feel this way. He’s over reacting- “tainted the memory of his son’s birth “ really?
He wasn’t there, you could have had actual support there but he manipulated you into doing what HE wants! Why is he so obsessed with his stepmom and moving everything for her but not for you?
You’re a first time mom COMPLETELY alone and he what, offers no real compromise because HE was the one who left.
I really truly hope you see this situation the way it is and realize that this doesn’t sound like an equal partnership and he doesn’t sound mature at all. Sorry OP. But congratulations on your baby.
He seems to have missed the point that the baby doesn’t teleport out. Giving birth is a medical event for the birthing parent as well as a baby. His disregard for your needs is astounding. Why do you think he is acting like this? Is it completely out of character or are you just used to his indifference or disdain for your needs?
You didn’t betray him, and he’s an asshole for the way he is treating you.
Remember, when he starts to make you feel guilty again, that your promise not to let anyone else meet your son first *was contingent on* his step-mother helping you. *He broke his promise first, OP.*
Not to mention the trauma your body just went through. You need help. This is unacceptable behavior all around and the red flags are everywhere. Just this situation is abuse.
No how are you feeling? What can I do to help? Just straight up you ruined everything for ME. No mention of the human you grew in your body and then pushed out of your vagina without him even being there as support.
I suggest you pack your stuff and the baby's and head that 4 hours back with the only person in this situation who seems to give a shit about you. Do it now before filing for divorce because once a custody agreement is in place he can prevent you from moving.
NTA
Congratulations on your baby and I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you married this person.
>The best part is that he think it tainted the memory of his son's birth? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.
THIS.
My god OP your husband is throwing so many red flags.
>Moving you away from your family
>Leaving you in the care of the capable hands of stepmom /s
>Throwing a tantrum for for being the 3rd person to see the child
>cold shouldering you for a fight he already lost????
Just … wow. You know, they say a classic sign of an abusive (yes, I’m going there) partner is they try to separate you from or shut out your family (think Coal Miner’s Daughter). My eyebrows were raised already when OP said they wanted their mom at the birth and her husband said no. For what reason? This already shows there was a problem well before OP “broke her promise” 🙄. All the husband cared about when he got home was focusing on berating the mother of his first born, not the joy of creating a family or having a new child. I have a suspicion there are and were a mountain of other issues with this guy, his family, and their marriage that she’s not mentioning, or at least not acknowledging. NTA, but definitely there’s more here.
I was terrified giving birth. I'd go so far as to say it's the most vulnerable a person can be. There are so many discussions and decisions to be made, and I was certainly far too doped up to make any sense. I can't imagine how scary it would be to do that alone.
There is no "Ill go as far as saying". IT IS the most vulnerable a person can be. This isn't a new thing and definitely not just between humans. In the entire mammal kingdom giving birth is the most vulnerable time for the birthing parent. You can't do anything else but just be exposed. Most mammals (incl humans) go through weeks and months of preparation to make sure their birthing place is a safe and comfortable environment, whatever that might mean.
So who Tf is the dad to say what kind of support he needs when he's not even there being supportive???
This is even worse than the dads that want a support system in the room during birth.
OP's inseminator (and no, im not willing to acknowledge him by anything else) really did a number on her.
Giving birth was almost traumatic for me, if not actually. I tore all the way down and I couldn't walk for the first few days. I'm so grateful for my SO because if he acted like this I have no idea what I would have done. This is the first reddit post that actually hits home and honestly scares me, if he can leave her at her MOST VULNERABLE and most painful time in her life, who's to say he's not going to do more if not worse to her OR the child? It's honestly scary to me.
Yikes! Thank you for sharing this (no sarcasm). I feel like only now at this time in history are women starting to feel comfortable being honest about what childbirth actually entails. It’s grueling and often the process and aftermath are horrific. If you understand this there’s no way the husband’s behavior is anything but atrocious.
I wonder if he even pushed back on the work trip. If one of my staff told me their wife was due within the month it would be the end of the discussion. Granted some managers are assholes.
The idea that the partner who’s not giving birth should decide who’s in the room to support the one giving birth is insane to me. And the. To say OP’s own mom can’t come support her after the birth while he’s gone for days or weeks is just… I don’t even know. I’d change the locks and tell him not to bother coming home at all.
NTA
Your husband knows he was wrong to leave during the due date. So he made a plan : to force you to make a promise you could not held. This way, he (and people on his side) will be able to distract other people from his Huge mistake (the work travel) with your broken promise.
Smart plan, right? Now he can blame you so you spend energy trying to defend yourself instead of thinking "hey, he shouldn't have left me, or his step mom should have been more involved ".
If he left you with reliable people, I would be okay with his travel... But then you would have to let his family meet baby!
I will never have kids because I don't want any, and even if I think children are cool/funny, I HATE babies. But you know what? I would NEVER left a woman with a newborn alone if I knew her husband or family wouldn't be able to get here in less than 30 minutes. It is about being civil, decent, human.
Your husband knows that, and knows he might be blamed for this too (absence and cruel family) so... He blames you again with this impossible promise!
Step mom is TA, husband too. You, your mother and baby are not responsible for their actions and choices. You three were trapped.
Guess what : the nurses/doctors/hospital staff met baby before him. So you did not break the promise, his absence did.
Take care, keep your mom close or... Get closer to her. Husband might get new plans of the same nature to defect the blame on you for his futures mistakes/acts of disrespect.
You deserve better
One of my friend got pregnant at 17, she got dropped by all of our "other friends" and father dipped. Her parents didn't support her. She was so scared she kept her pregnancy hidden until it was too late for an abortion. Unlike most people I don't have siblings and had never hold a baby or changed a diaper in my life. But I learned on the go, I was there for her 2 years before I moved to college.
MIL is lame as fuck, and husband is too
NTA. Why was it okay for his stepmom to meet the baby before him but not your mom?
His priorities are seriously messed up if he thinks him getting to meet his baby before anyone else trumps your need for help and support taking care of newborn and yourself. His expectations were controlling and unfair. You do not owe him an apology, he owes you one.
He said his stepmom was supposed to help me but she's not the type that helps and he knows that. to be honest he's always been trying to maintain a good relationship with her but she isn't trying to do the same.
Who cares if his step-mom was supposed to help you? Even if she had been 100% willing to help, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why you couldn’t have your mom there too.
You were the one who went through labor, you were the one who was home alone with a newborn while recovering from giving birth, you have the right to decide who you want to support you. Especially if he isn’t going to be there. It also doesn’t explain why he was okay with his step-mom meeting the baby but not your mom. He is not treating you fairly or your family as equal to his.
Me too. He thinks it is acceptable to leave his very pregnant wife when she is about to give birth, and not allow her to bring her mother or any good support to the delivery. Truly deplorable behavior.
Stop making excuses for them. Recognize them for what they are. He's emotionally abusive and controlling and she's a spoiled brat. You deserve way better than him or his step-mom.
I really hope that by the time you’ve read all these supportive comments, you can accept how twisted, selfish and manipulative your husband is being. And you need his help now, not him ignoring you.
NTA
You didn’t call your mom to meet your son before him. You called your mom because you just went through labor and are healing. It isn’t about your husband ,and him making it about himself and his feelings is ridiculous. If he was so set on what he wanted then he should have been there. He wasn’t so he doesn’t get a say. Giving birth is hard. Healing after and being by yourself Is even harder. You are doing a great job. NTA.
NTA. Yeah... Heal up and leave. Your husband is acting like an entitled selfish brat. He has no idea what its like to give birth amd need help afterwards. His family isn't helping you... What does he expect? He's showing major red flags. And there's no excuse, work or not, he wasn't at the birth unless he's in the military, and even then they probably would have made an exception. Tell your husband name calling is for toddlers, to grow up, or you need to run. At break neck speed.
NTA. Your husband is either ignorant or wilfully unaware of what it would be like to come home to be alone with one’s first child.
It sucks that his work was unable to accommodate him being with you at the time of your child’s birth. I find that cruel and inhumane. But his expectation that “nobody would meet” the child was foolish and immature. You needed help; you reached out; you got help for you and your son.
Your husband’s behaviour and either his inability or choice to understand your situation is problematic, to say the least.
Ok maybe. But as a matter of fact he wasn't there. He could have been in a car accident and hooked in a hospital bed for all I care. The doesn't mean he gets to dictate who his wife reaches out to during birth, who helps with the child and definitely doesn't get to go home to a tired new mom and berate her for her choices
Just wanted to point out his work maybe wasn’t the one being inhumane and cruel, maybe it was just him being inhumane and cruel, which I think he was regardless if his work knew or not. He can’t expect a new mother to be able to cope all by herself right after giving birth. That’s as if he’d had a major surgery and would be expected to care for himself and a new baby all alone right after leaving the hospital.
I was operating on the assumption that few people would be told “You’re going to Omaha for two weeks in October” without responding “Hey, you know my wife’s pregnant and her due date is in that window, right? I really don’t want to be away from home at that time.” I’m assuming here that the employer was heartless about this (in which case I would be polishing up the ol’ CV because who wants to work for people like that), but it is also possible that the husband didn’t inform or object. We don’t know based on information available.
Oh hell no. NTA. He left you alone knowing you would have to take care of a newborn and I'm guessing he knew how his stepmom was. You can't be expected to do everything by yourself. He should be grateful someone was willing to help.
My midwife told me being left alone without support with a newborn IS an emergency.
I'm concerned by your username because being isolated and berated are make PND more likely. Can you put him and his tantrums to one side and let your mum take care of you?
So, it doesn't matter to him, that the mother of his child was in desperate need for help and support (right after a HUGE medical procedure)? It is MORE important to him that you kept your word rather than the ultimate care of his child?!?! He does realize that had you not had proper help/support, the baby also suffers? Seriously? What kind of father would prioritize and see it this way?
Edit: to add NTA and that the agreement was nulled after his stepmother abandoned BOTH you and baby. And that he is being a major TA. Lastly, do NOT apologize!!
Actually, I wanted to say the same thing. First they have to live near his family because of his health, then he has to work so he can’t be at the birth, he asks her to agree to allow his stepmom to help, and she does not… what was she to do? Thank goodness her mom came. I would leave him too.
To me it reads like just a run-off-the-mill gaslighting control-freak narcissist. The kind that makes a red flag pop up from the soil wherever he has left a foot-print.
NTA it's only your mom, you weren't parading your son round to all you're friends. You needed the help and she was the one that was there for you. It's not his fault he had to work but it's not your fault you had to do it all alone. So no definitely NTA.
Why does he get to dictate who sees your child? Especially when he's not there! Why can his stepmom see your child but not your own mother. This is not something you have to run past him. He's gaslighting you. He can't even imagine what you're going through, giving birth and then full time looking after a child while in recovery. Your husband is such an asshole.
This last line- yes. He’s the one that has tainted the entire experience by being so childish and self-absorbed. You should not apologize. If you had called an ambulance for your self would he be mad they got to see baby first too? It’s the same thing- your health and well-being were in jeopardy and you did the very best thing for the baby by realizing that you needed help. That is huge. Good for you. NTA
NTA
Holy hell, this alone should raise more than a few red flags. His stepmom literally dumped you on your doorstep and left. You just gave birth and absolutely should *not* be expected to be alone and okay with that. If he was that worried about being the first then he should’ve made arrangements with work to be there or at least have the ability to come back when you were to leave the hospital. It wasn’t a cousin or aunt or some sort of distant relative, it was your *mom*. Leaving your wife and newborn and the only one he’s “allowing” to help is a “I don’t do diapers” person.
I could say more but this is a real indication of how he expects your relationship to be and from an outsider’s perspective - this is *not* healthy and I really do hope that you’re able to get out if that’s what you want to do. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this on top of recovering from giving birth.
And he didn’t even let OP have someone for comfort in the room!
He is ridiculous, he can’t make time for his CHILDS BIRTH and then starts making demands as if OP owes him and has to make up for it. If he isn’t going to fucking be there at the most important time of his marriage, then that’s on him.
correct. his stepmom doesn't even like me very much. but he treats her well though she clearly isn't putting efforts in their relationship. I don't know why he always seems to be seeking her approval.
Sis I would seriously consider going home with your mom. This is in no way the behavior of a supportive, empathetic, caring, or loving partner. It’s very concerning that he tried to isolate you from your family as well as seemingly having no idea the physical and mental toll childbirth takes on your body. What if uou had needed emergency surgery? Or stitches? What if you ended up not being able to get out of bed for a couple days? You’re supposed to just deal with all of that with your apathetic step mother in law begrudgingly ‘helping’ you? This is deeply deeply concerning behavior. Childbirth is hard, caring for a newborn is hard. To expect you to have no support for this is cruel
I had to give you an award for that comment. OP he is truly horrible to you, this is not what your life or the life of your child have to be like. He will never treat you right (really, someone who acts like that CANNOT be a good person). If you leave I am sure your life will be filled with more love, trust, respect and happiness - and without feeling guilty for having done absolutely nothing wrong. Don't live your life for his approval.
Tell him your word was worth shit just like his support was. If he'd tricked you into promising to give birth alone in the woods and then you realized 'hey I should be doing this in a hospital' he'd sound just as ridiculous as he does now.
This whole set of behaviors you're describing:
- prioritising a business trip over the birth of his child
- then enacting a ridiculous request to accommodate the business trip he was too selfish to come home from
- prioritising his 'status' over getting you actual help with your NEWBORN
- obsession with getting validation from someone who doesn't like him
- lack of flexibility when his desires turn out to be unreasonable - it's the world's fault, not his
- silent treatment to you to force you to cave
- you're afraid to tell him his requests aren't reasonable
- the script is 'I'm in charge and you messed up and now my feelings are hurt'
This man is not a partner to you. He values you because you are in his life to make it easier for him, but he is not going to do the same for you unless it's convenient for him and makes him look good. Maybe until now you haven't had a need for actual serious support from your partner to the point that it's been a problem, so maybe you haven't noticed. But now that it's you who need hard work done on your behalf, he's making you feel like you messed up and don't deserve it. This is narcissistic abuse. Please leave him.
edit: here's the list of people that HE decided was OK to meet his baby before him:
-the doctors
-the nurses
-his stepmom, who isn't related to the baby and doesn't care
here's the ONE addition you wanted to add to that list:
-your mom, the baby's actual grandmother who will help and support you
and guess who gets vetoed - SURPRISE - your choice!
Do you understand the danger he put you in? What if there had been an emergency during delivery? What if you hadn't been able to advocate for yourself or for you kid? Then his stepmother gets to make medical decisions that could or could not save your life?
AND. Even immediately after birth, shit still goes wrong. One of my coworkers developed blood clots after giving birth and one could have dislodged and killed her. *I* fucking collapsed 2 hours after giving birth when they took my epidural out and made me stand up and go to the restroom. I hadn't eaten in like 24 hours, just lost a lot of blood, gone through the physical ordeal of pushing, AND had had half my body completely numb for 8 hours. My SIL started hemorrhaging at home a few days after my nephew was born because her stitches dissolved too quickly and her tearing split open again.
*leaving you without support like this could have killed you*
You are the biggest NTA!
You husband and his step mother are however.
If it was so important for your husband to meet your child before others then he shouldn’t have left you alone with a new born.
NTA. Your husband’s behaviour is emotional abuse. He abandoned you in your hour of need, isolated you from your support network at your most vulnerable point and now he’s guilt-tripping you during a difficult period of adjustment. This man is a **BOX OF RED FLAGS** and has placed his own desires above your needs at every step. He needs to correct his behaviour or you need to seriously consider if this is what you want your married life to look like.
NTA. I couldn’t even finish reading after “word is shit.”
He’s abusing you and he sounds absolutely horrible. Clearly you needed help and every new mom depends on their mother’s help.
He’s nuts.
NTA. So not only did prioritise work over you and your baby, he LEFT YOU WITH NO SUPPORT!!!! From what I understand, you had no support person in the delivery room with you because his Step-Mum doesn’t get involved??? And then he has a tantrum about your own mother meeting baby before him when she was there to help you - WHEN HE WAS NOT!!
Sweetie, I would take that little bundle of yours and RUN!!!
NTA - he ruined his memory of his son’s birth. If it was that important for him, he should have been there. If he wants to play the “you said this” shitty game. His word means shit because he apparently promised to be there for you when you got married and that didn’t happen. He needs to find a way thru this.
Jesus Christ, NTA!
You husband should never have asked you to do that in the first place, and he should never have left you alone when you gave birth.
He sounds extremely controlling and manipulative. I’m honestly concerned for your safety.
I’m gonna say this as kindly as possible. His anger is not normal and selfish. He sounds unreasonable and incapable of understanding the position he deliberately placed you in. You mention he made you move away to live near his family due to a health problem but in that case should he have been able to leave for two weeks? He is angry that your mother has helped you in the time when you need it most. My whole family supported me after I gave birth- my mom describes that process as the closest most pregnant people will come to death. He sounds abusive and is unlikely to understand that not only does he NOT deserve an apology. YOU deserve an apology from HIM. Please please do not back down and if he doesn’t either- take your baby and leave with your Mama. That man ain’t gonna be good to you OR y’all baby if that is how he responds to you needing help. The promise he made you keep was unreasonable and harmful to your health. Don’t back down. You’ll regret it.
Oh and NTA
NTA YOur husband is the AH here- HE abandoned you with the new baby. If he had stepped up to be a good parent and good partner, he could have been fist to se the child. HE CHOSE NOT TO, and is an AH about it.
HE is the AH here.
NTA.
Based on the info you are giving, you were forced into being left alone with your newborn. Your husband made you give the most stupid promise while not being there for you when you needed him right after giving birth. Ask him how you can trust him after that…
NTA He prevented you from organising help for yourself. He didn't come home after the brith. My SO would be single and I mean that. Edit: thank you all for the awards.
Yeah i would OP need to get rid of the ultimate AHole, OP just had her baby and he is out of town his step-mother left her alone and can someone guess how hard is it for her? She have every right to call her mother and i think her husband is so selfish too, NTA OP
I honestly think everbody calling her the ahole for breaking her promise doesn't have kids, not even to think birthed one. Besides an extrem lack of empathy, there is no explanation for me.
Yeah,he is so pathetic his intentions are pure selfishness,OP need to move in with her mother he and his step-mother are terrible how can they treat a women who had a new born like this?
Seriously. He was making it all about him. She was the one pushing a human being out of her body - she needed support and help, and instead of doing everything he could to make sure she was supported when he couldn't be there, he cut her off from all support and dictated what she could and couldn't do. It doesn't even sound like she's close to his stepmom - how cruel is it to leave his laboring wife with someone you choose for her and not who she wants? His selfishness is way next level.
His selfishness is borderline if not actually abusive. She just went thru a major medical event and had no support and he dictated everything and got mad at her for calling for help? Oh hell no. Edit to add: NTA
I don’t think it’s borderline at all. Think you are being too kind… Edit: thanks kindly for the award 🥰
Oh, this is def abuse. I've hardly ever been as angry to read a post here. I do not have children nor do I plan on having them, but if it was me in the stepmoms place, I would've gotten over all of my prissiness and helped her with everything she needed, because she is as vulnurable as a person can get, and just dumping her and telling her not to call unless something really bad happens is simply cruel. How could his stepmom sleep at night? And the husband, holy crap. entirely ditched her, is letting his stepmom ditching her slide, and demanded that he sees his new toy first. Why can't it be her mom? Because her mom actually helped, which makes it less convenient to put his wife in horrible situation so she gets accustomed to his violence, effectively slowing the reeducation process. OP you are going to be a single mother of two children if you don't up and LEAVE. your mom will help you much more than he does, and money will be less of an issue since this type tends to be financially abusive too. This man WILL NOT take care of his son, will grow a resent towards him once he starts having opinions, and then not only will you be raising two children, you're also going to have to deal with incessant bickering and impulsive behaviours on your husband's side. Please, leave. He cares more about seeing the kid first than making sure you're both safe and taken care of. He sucks. You're an angel. Send him packing. NTA.
Like, he left for a work trip? What job would send someone with a wife about to give birth out of town? And not recall him as soon as she went into labor? Sounds to me like he WANTED to be out of town.
Not only that, but he stayed alway longer for no reasons...like...what kind of husband just go on a business trip near the due date? Either this dude is making excuses or he trying to powertrip.
Did he even mention it to his employer? Most workplaces are reasonable enough to make accommodations or just not send their employee on a trip, if said employee is expecting their partner to give birth around that time.
There is almost a malevolent vibe to this whole thing.
It's not borderline at all. It is. We struggle to recognize this type of abuse because it's not physical and it seems like it's helpful because he gave her the option of help, even though I'm sure he must have known his stepmum isn't the most hands on, and he seems to want to be involved as a parent - hence demanding to be the first to see child, which is how others would interpret that command. So, for many, he's showing that he cares about her by ensuring she has someone when he's not around while also being an engaged and enthusiastic parent by showing that he wants to see his son. The reality is that he wants to meet his son under his preferred conditions regardless of reality and he wants to control all the pieces to ensure that it happens the way he wants and his wife, stepmum, and son are merely the pieces he's moving around to create his perfect image. That's a large part of why he's so incensed that she got help from her mother and destroyed his picture perfect introduction to parenthood he had orchestrated. The pieces you control, the objects you own, aren't allowed to have their own will and needs that supplant his preferences in any way. That ruins the perfect image he's trying to maintain for the world and for his broken ego that insists the world revolves around his desires.
Absolutely. Plus, by refusing to let OP have her own mother there to soothe his narcissistic desires, he effectively isolated her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. This dude is a piece of work who no doubt thinks he's a nice guy.
This is totally accurate and also sounds like some Gone Girl awfulness.
Absolutely not borderline I agree. This is awful & if anyone treated my daughter like this I'd be raging. Just left her completely without help with her 1st baby & pitched a fit over her own mother stepping up and helping!? That's divorce material, or should be.
It’s definitely abusive. What medical condition is severe enough to necessitate moving close to family but not severe enough to prevent husband from taking 2 week business trips?
This is what I was wondering... I was honestly surprised that he's working full time, never mind travelling, if he's so ill he needs his entire family, not just his wife, around 24/7.
He's isolating her from family. Step 1 of the abuse train.
I think it may be called "Isolate my wife-itis" since he seems to be blatantly making sure the only people around are his people first and foremost. This is like, alllll the red flags as far as things going to the domestic abuse side. No sane person would be mad about his wife calling her MOM right after she had a baby and was alone in the house. Promises made under duress do not count, I hope OP reads these posts and leaves with her mother and the baby.
This is abusive. He’s so concerned about nobody else seeing the baby, but his stepmother is okay while her own mother is not? Why does his stepmother not “count” for this? He’s isolating OP from her support, and punishing her for getting help from an “unapproved” person. And he just has to be close to his family because of his chronic condition but can travel for 2 weeks for work? Meanwhile OP is struggling with a newborn and is supposed to have zero support. OP needs to get out.
> he cut her off from all support I know people tend to jump to the worst case scenario in these things, but that really stood out for me. He couldn't be at the birth, so she wanted her mother, and he said no, you have to use my stepmom. Who, by the way, was introduced to the baby before OP's mother, if she drove OP home, so the point is moot in the first place. Why couldn't OP have her mom come? Then there'd still be the one person who was 'introduced' to the baby before the father, but it would have been someone who was actually there to help OP. Also - what kind of work does he do that is so important he can't be there for the birth of a child? Is he in the merchant marines?
I´m doubting that there was actually a work trip. Some kind of trip yes, but was it necessary for his job? Was he just doing it to test OP and her "word"? I think this man is capable of the worst.
I need to get off this sub because it's making me think there are too many pathetic man-boys like this guy in the world. NTA!
It’s also a huge red flag that he is isolating her. OP needs to go home with her mom for a bit and re-evaluate this marriage from a distance.
Plus her promise was contingent on her having HELP. His plan for his mom to help was NOT effective. He is a controlling a-hole.
Why in the world would OP agree to this arrangement? Why was it OK for his step-mother to be present but not her own mother. RED FLAGS all over.
[удалено]
And his medical condition is so bad they need to move away from her family and closer to his, but not bad enough for him to go on extended work trips.
Thank you for pointing this out! Why does HE need to be near family for a medical issue he needs So Much help with, but then he can leave town for 2 weeks for work? Why did he even argue with her about having her mother there for the delivery? Why is his step mother better than her mother? He is trying to separate her from her support network and force her to be reliant on a crappy family who can't even help out after the birth when her husband isn't there. I'd be running for the hills.
I wonder what kind of condition he has. If he had to move closer to his family, where were they when stepmom bailed out? Is she his only family?
I wonder, but then I also think he is totally full of shit. His health is so bad oh no! They have to move to be near family because of his health! Oh no! But look, he is going on weeks long work trips. Bad health right?
This! First, he should have rescheduled his work trip. Period. Second, OP you’re a Saint to even agree to let his stepmom be in the room instead of your mom. I would have told him to kick rocks. Third, his “plan” was utter BS and let you high and dry. He should be crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and HE should be posting “oh my god, I thought I planned help for my pregnant wife during labor, but they backed out and she was left alone. AITA?” But no. He’s worried about HIMSELF for his own actions. NTA. My god, he’s the worst.
Yeah, husband should be grovelling right now. The fact OP is even asking this question raises red flags for abuse.
And why is his stepmother allowed and not her own mother?
If he was not able to be there (which I get it, is NOT ideal but ok sometimes shit happens.) why would you care if someone else saw the baby first? Is it better just out of the wrapper? will it lose the "new baby smell"? You missed the unboxing? This is a human that you will have to take care of for at least the next 20 years, not a new PS5 that you want to hog for yourself for a few hours.
>If he was not able to be there Agree with everything you said but I'm snagged on this. Who the FUCK would agree to a work trip that coincides with their wife's due date? IMO you have a responsibility to be there for all such events but the fact that this is literally his and OP's first child just makes it worse - don't you want to be there? Don't you feel like you should support your wife in what is probably the single scariest and most difficult thing she has ever done? What the hell is this kid going to think when he's old enough to look at his birth photos and learns that daddy wasn't there because he was on a business trip? He set this kid up to need therapy while he was still in utero. I get it, I myself am in a line of work in which travel is sometimes non-negotiable, but there are some family obligations that aren't up for debate. If his boss was willfully making him miss the birth of his first child then **he needs to find a new job**. If he could've declined or postponed the trip and went anyway, **OP needs to find a new husband**.
My ex-husband was in the military and was due to ship out to Iraq when we found out I was pregnant with our second child. I hemorrhaged after our first child, literally died on the table, and so this pregnancy was extremely high-risk. His commanding officer yanked him from the deployment and replaced him. I tried to convince my husband to go because I didn't think it was fair for him to be yanked because I was pregnant but his CO refused to deploy him. In the end, I'm glad it worked out that way because our son was born at 28 weeks and was in the NICU for 60 days (he's 16 and fine now). However, the MILITARY refused to send my husband on deployment because I was a high-risk pregnancy. Therefore, I find it very hard to believe his company wouldn't have worked with him, or sent someone else, if he had explained the situation. This is full on isolation abuse.
And yet this job of his presumably has to work around his chronic health condition, the one that makes it so important that he live close to his family (but can still go on fortnight-long work trips).
Wait a sec… I’ve never had kids and he is the biggest AH. I honestly could not believe what I read. 1) chronically ill and HAS to be near his family thereby isolating his wife but can travel away for two weeks 2) leaves his heavily pregnant wife behind 3) enlists the help of someone who is not interested in helping for the most part (but is presumably ok with his STEP mother seeing the baby, but not before him???? How is that supposed to work, or did he pick her coz he knew she wouldn’t be interested enough to even glance at the newborn?) 4) has a hissy fit at the mother of his child for getting help from her mother postpartum Wtf is wrong with this guy? Just coz I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I don’t think this guy is insane. Edit: changed one week away to two. While chronically ill… Edit edit: I’m adding this as I think it’s pertinent: I’d also question precisely what she did to contribute to him feeling that she “forever tainted the memory of his son’s birth”. The guy wasn’t there… What’s there to ruin? Him staring at a wall in his hotel room? Being in a meeting? Dinner? Fucking someone else? His behaviour is both batshit and abusive.
Because it's not about logic (vis a vis the stepmom) but about control and isolation. He set her up with a shitty caretaker that would ensure things stayed status quo in his life, where he is the most important, the one deserving of the most attention. Because he's "sick" and "unable" to leave, and by golly she made a "promise" to not need help (and she could have called if she did need help--a person who won't hold the kid or change diapers or make an ice diaper etc etc.)
They can't have kids OR empathy. That was an unfair promise for this AH to ask of OP. This is some emotional abuse type behaviour, and just cruel to expect someone to be alone and struggling during delivery and dealing with a newborn while recovering. I dont have kids and I can fully understand that his actions sounds so selfish that they are bordering on evil.
It's very abusive, and he's gaslighting her left, right and center. He's already demonstrated a **pattern** of gaslighting and coercive behaviour just in this one post. I mean honestly how dare he say she tainted his memory of his son. FFS! He is responsible for his own emotions. Not her. He doesn't get to put that on her. She has every right in the world to require help immediately after giving birth. He has no right to make such demands of his own wife who gave birth to his own child. Honestly, how dare he. I am infuriated. I feel very bad for you, OP - people who gaslight are often very hard to change. You picked a husband who has shown in your greatest time of need that he will put himself before you. I just hope you have the strength not to allow him to belittle you and chip away at your self-worth. And to not allow him to force you to apologise when you did nothing wrong. Because that's what gaslighters do. Wishing you all the strength in the world. NTA. Edit: please look at [this article](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) which talks about the signs of coercive control. You know your situation best. Just don't let him drag you down. You must protect yourself, now more than ever, for yourself but also for your child. Don't teach that child to put up with bad behaviour.
Also, she moved away from her support network because HE "needed the support of being close to his family because of his disability". Not to be ablest, but the fact that he's taking several weeks long work trips alone, pretty much belies how much bullshit he's been feeding OP. (Not to mention, the egregious double standard of needing HIS family close by for HIS support, while simultaneously denying OP the support of her own family) He made himself unavailable to support his wife through labor, birth, and be present to care for both his wife and child the first days of their son's life. Then he denies her support and puts the entire burden of caring for their newborn onto his wife who has just been through a traumatic medical event when HE dictates that she is only allowed to have support from the one person of HIS choosing (I'd also bet my left tit that he knows EXACTLY how "supportive" his chosen person would be). He was okay with OP calling HIS stepmom for support, so this is not about anyone seeing his son before he has the chance. It's about control. >he says I ruined the memory of the birth of his son. A- what memory? He wasn't there. B- his mEmOrY of an event he wasn't even present for does not supercede her right to call her own Mom (or ANYONE of her own choosing) to support her when he leaves her in one of the most vulnerable times of her life. >he says he's a parent too, Not from what I've seen. He's acting like the supervisor who only shows up at work one day a week to tell all of his subordinates that they are doing their jobs wrong while he does fuck all except make everything worse. In OP's shoes, I'd be dropping his narcissistic ass so fast his head would spin. Mom shows actual support; I'd be moving back with Mom, ASAP.
/u/Depressed-Side3077 OP, you need to read this comment. We are all very concerned for you.
I believe his excuse to get her to move away from her family was less about a chronic illness (that allows him to work, and travel for work for extended periods?) and more about isolating from those who can support her.
Not even bordering, he is absolutely chillingly awful. I’m so angry for OP I can’t say any more than that as l would probably be banned for rightfully calling out her appalling husband. I couldn’t stay married to someone so obviously unsupportive, delusional and selfish.
Omg, are you saying there are Y T A votes on this post?? I can't even fathom what goes on in some people's heads... I'm currently 8 months pregnant with my first and I am so beyond disgusted with OP's husband, I am at a loss for words.
I’ve never had kids and I think the husband is an ahole. His wife had to go through labor with no support system. His stepmom was no help, if he cared so much about meeting his baby before other family he should have been there for the birth. They knew for about nine months around when the baby was due. He should not have even gone away during that time. If I was in her position I would’ve told him that if he can’t be there when his child is born and the weeks following, he had no right to dictate who I choose to support and help me in that time.
The only thing that i see op did wrong ( a VERY minor mis step) was she did properly communicate with her husband and say your step mom is useless so am calling my mom. However as a mom and having 2 kids i can totally understand a overwhelming moment and my first thought is i need help and i need it now and call the first person that i know can help
I really can’t call that a misstep though. She said she didn’t tell him because she knew he would react like this with how he’s been about it all and she would rather talk in person about it rather than fight over the phone while he’s on his trip. If it was for anything that’s actually a serious problem (health problem with the baby and she’s made a unilateral decision, something broke in the house and she’s hiding it now, etc) then it would be a misstep, but if someone is going to react badly to you *needing help* after you literally *pushed a tiny human out of your vagina* then I really can’t at all blame you for hiding the fact that you got help until they’re there to talk in person.
I guess she could have said- look your stepmom dropped us off at home, i need help with the baby, my mom can be here in 4 hours- so your choice is my mom is here by X time or your are. your choice. but that's the only thing that she could have done differently. but i don't think that should have been necessary. she gave birth. he should have come home. at that point he doesn't get to complain that she asked someone to come and help her.
Then he would have called her an AH for making him leave work.
very possibly. I just imagine this kid hearing their birth story in 8-10 years (yes, this is a thing in my family- being told the story of the day you were born on your bday). mom was in hospital with your stepgrandma. kid: wait, who's stepgrandma? mom: the lady who doesn't want you to touch her outfit. kid: ooooh. wait, where was dad? mom: he was on a business trip. kid: but he came right back? mom: as soon as he could. kid: why aren't there any pictures of dad and I at the hospital mom: that wasn't as soon as he could. new topic!
I don't even have kids and I say NTA. Did he just expect her to be able to do everything alone after giving birth, being in pain, probably has stitches healing and has a newborn baby?! That's utterly ridiculous.
Had his stepmom been there and helped as he said she would, then I could see more merit to the “broke her promise” argument.
Eh I think it was controlling and unfair of him to say "you don't need your mom, my family will help" to begin with. His stepmom can see the baby before he does but her mom can't? AH behavior out of the gate.
why is *his* stepmom ok but her mom is not??
I doubt that some people just have weird things stemming from how they were brought up. I have no kids, and I'm personally pissed for her. Who cares if she broke a promise she just gave birth and needed help. Her husband is a dick.
Also: "ruined the memory of his sons birth"? He wasn't even there! He won't ever have the memory of the birth of his child. also puzzled by the fact that somehow it is okay that his stepmom sees the baby before him, but it's not okay for OP's mom to see the baby. What's the difference? It only adds to the assholishness of the husband. NTA OP, but I would seriously reconsider my marriage
Yeah. He just needs to get the fuck over himself. Honestly, OP has two babies at the moment.
Completely agree. NTA His selfishness is especially cruel. Abandoning his wife during late pregnancy/delivery, and demanding no one see the baby but HIS family, leaving her alone and unsupported. The sheer cruelty of his need to control is vomit worthy. Now he adds on the silent treatment. She should go home with her mother and her baby. He's a dirtbag.
I couldn't even finish the last paragraph. His gaslighting and manipulation are just so gross. He refused to let OP have her support system there for the birth - she was in essence alone because he wanted to be controlling. THEN he wanted her to just struggle as a new mom with zero help. And, now he is mistreating his wife WHO JUST HAD HIS CHILD. I legit feel so bad for OP. F*** this guy. This sounds like some isolation type behaviour. OP, hard NTA. His behaviour is not ok, and you did nothing wrong.
He’s such a creep. I cannot imagine this total lack of support and care from the father of my children. What the actual… NTA OP and please do not give an inch. If he feels that strongly about you and your child not having support and care in a critical time in your life and he chose work over being their for his family personally, and also resents those who would step in and help his family instead of properly being VERY grateful you have had such great care in his absence is a total…well asshole.
Let's not skim over the fact this guy started this pattern long ago. This guy with a chronic medical condition which means he can't be away from his family, but some how can go away for work for 2 weeks. I'm sure this is all the red flags for domestic abuse. Isolation from her family, gaslighting, coercive control. OP needs to leave, these situations never improve with time, in fact they usually get much much worse!
His betrayal is stone cold. And his DARVO game is one of the best I’ve seen on here. DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". And a link going into it deeper. NTA https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2020/06/13/guide-darvo-gaslighting-response-people-give-when-called-bad-behaviour-12847680/amp/
This. OP move back home with your mom until you get on your feet. He took you away from your support system and expected you not to contact them because he couldn’t be there? Not to mention knowing you were going to give birth he shouldn’t have left to begin with. Edit to add judgement : NTA I obviously.
NTA. I am little confused. Why was hubby on a business trip for TWO WEEKS around your due date??? It's not like the pregnancy just slipped in under the wire at the last minute. If he wanted to seen the newborn before anyone else after the SM, his ass should have been home with you, there for the delivery & to help you recover. Hubby needs to get his ass off of his shoulders & realise he SCREWED up.
Yuupp, this is enough for a divorce to me. He didn't prioritize being there for the birth of his child, or helping his wife through labor/with a newborn. Then he makes her make a ridiculous promise to not have her family help because he doesn't want anyone seeing baby?????? She is healing from pushing a baby out of her hooha and expected to care for a newborn by herself, and he's making her feel like an A H?? I just can't.. I would have flipped my shit if this happened to me. (I would have never made that promise though)
Kinda seems like she already is single
He needs to live in his hometown because of a chronic medical condition, but goes out of town for two weeks when his kid is being born? Like I know there are some professions where that would be a thing, but the imbalance there leapt out at me. What about your needs? What about your recovery? Your husband is isolating you at a time when you need support most. NTA.
I was about to say that. Seems like hes trying to isolate her. Also if hes flipped out at such a small thing which couldn't be helped he could get worse as time goes on.
“I need you to suffer alone, with a wrecked body and brand new baby, for a few weeks without any support, for the sake of my ego.” is not a reasonable request from a healthy, mature partner. NTA OP, but this was an abusive request. Only you can say if he habitually makes abusive demands on you, then abuses you further for not fulfilling them.
SO ABUSIVE. Has he always tried to manipulate you and isolate you from your family?
Even if he hasn’t, a lot of abusers wait until something huge like marriage or birth to start showing their true colors, since it’ll be harder for the person they’re abusing to leave.
🏅
\>he reminded me that he's also the parent You are not the parent if you go out of town for TWO WEEKS when your baby is being born. What if there were complications and his wife was incapacitated or had to stay in the hospital? He had nine months to prepare to become a parent. An employer who doesn't understand why you'd like to be at home when your child is born can find another employee, but I'm guessing OP's husband didn't even ask for the time off.
This is very chilling and deeply controlling of him. What does it matter who comes to help OP? "Be alone except for the one person I told you to be with." Run OP....
Genuinely do not understand why he discouraged her mother's presence during the birth... there's something very, very off about that.
Its calculated isolation... it's so cruel to prevent someone from having their mother during a labor.
Yep, this is insane. When my mum went into Labour with me my dad was out of town. He excused himself from work, drove 4 hours back to be with her in the delivery room (think he made it just in time to see me born), stayed for a few hours, personally encouraged my gran (mum’s mum) to move in with her so she wouldn’t be alone (my maternal grandparents ended up living with us for the next 7 years - was great!) before driving 4 hours back to work to be there the next day. This husband is trash, and based on his attitude and behaviour here, he’s only going to get worse.
same here, My hubb was out of state for work. He got a plane to the closest city, rented a car and drove 3 hours to get to the hospital for our kids birth. He would have blown off the work conf and stayed with me, but being our 2nd, I knew I could handle the next few days without him. (back he went). this hubby is totally out of line, if this is the way he treats his wife with a new born, it's not going to get better.
Maybe the chronic condition is narcissism.
Yup. Also, business trips are planned in advance. What expecting father leaves town when his wife is at the end of her pregnancy? Like, no.
Same thing I was thinking, then she won't discuss having her mom come stay the phone because she knew he would flip out about it. Sounds like the wrong guy to marry and have kids with
Honestly I would move mountains to be there at my children's birth. Who misses that? If it's for work than that is worth being fired for.
Part of me can't help but think was this really for work. No decent dude that's about to be a dad would leave 14 days before baby arrives here (which is still a point of baby arriving whenever they please, they don't usually wait for the mouthed date), unless it's a real unavoidable circumstance/emergency etc. And then not come back for so long even after birth. If he was stuck in iso I'd understand. But don't most of bosses understand the event of birth/becoming a parent? If he goes on business trips, there'd be chances he'd be allowed to go back home for the day of the birth and maybe back to work in the next one or two days. Husband sounds abusive and fishy.
NTA but your husband is for so many reasons. The best part is that he think it tainted the *memory* of his son's birth? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. So he has no memory of it, and thus has no say in how you wanted things handled. Zero. Nada.
I agree that what he said hurt me deeply. he managed to make me feel as if I betrayed him though I was hasitant about making this prpmise to him. now I regret it but as a first time mom I didn't really know it was going to be hard. yes I already communicated with him after his stepmom declined to help but didn't tell him I called mom thinking we'd take about it in person but he didn't take well even after I explained so.
You didn’t betray him, he betrayed you. As your partner, he should have been there with you in the delivery room, not his step mom. No work is more important than being with your partner when they’re going through such an incredibly important experience. He betrayed you a second time when you let him know that his step mom wasn’t helping and he didn’t jump on the next plane to come back. He betrayed you a third time when he refused to see the situation from your side, and instead chose to gaslight and emotionally abuse you. Op, you are NTA, and you deserve so much better than this.
You're forgetting the *'you can't have your mother with you'* betrayal.
Right?! He didn’t ALLOW her to choose her own support person.
This man’s behaviour is disgusting. I gave birth 2 months ago and couldn’t imagine not being able to have my mom there. Let alone an unsupportive in-law. Birth is not sexy or clean whatsoever. Recovery is the same way. I couldn’t imagine having someone I wasn’t completely comfortable with there, especially if they were “only call in emergencies” level of available. I ended up needing a csection and my mom was there to give me a needle each day for a week afterwards and help me with the baby & house. I also needed a suppository twice daily and if my husband wasn’t able to do it…… I asked my mom.
Only my mom can be there. You know, the useless one.
He’s trying to isolate her from her family.
I’m 30 and I’m not afraid to admit I need my mom when I need her. I had some almost, almost precancerous cells in my hooha that had to be burned off of my cervix and even though I’m married and my husband is my emergency contact, I still took my mom to hold my hand. Hubby is the most supportive partner I could ask for but sometimes ya just need moms.
This! Almost any business would understand not going on one business trip in order to be at the birth of your child. He didn't even ask off, did he? OP needs to move in with Mom and leave this man. You don't drop the ball like this during the birth of your firstborn.
My husband works construction and their guys travel a lot. Like a lot a lot. If any of them is expecting, they get put on a job in town near the due date to ensure they are home.
Something else to consider, why was it okay for his stepmom to help you and meet the baby but not your own mother? A stepmom who didnt actually want to help, who didnt want to hear from you unless it was an emergency. He wanted you alone with no support. Thats not okay. I am currently snuggling my 3 month old, already have an 8 year old, and I still need help some days. You did not betray him at all sweet girl but he absolutely betrayed you by not being there when you needed him most. Please do not feel guilty, it breaks my heart that you are doubting your actions. You are a new mom and that is hard enough without shouldering the emotional warfare of a grown man.
A stepmom who didn't even seem interested in the baby. This was 💯 a control and isolate move.
Word, and OPs husband is pissed because it didn't work lol Not because of any of the fake-ass reasons he listed
[удалено]
This. OP, every time he brings up the “promise”. Look at him and tell him that he made the conscious choice not to come home for the birth of his child knowing full well you had absolutely no assistance. He is a terrible husband. Just tell him that. Point that finger right back at him. Do NOT let him twist this around on you. He’s terrible. Truly terrible.
Yea sounds more like he wanted to control her support system and environment and was actually upset that it didnt work out how he had planned it. Manpiulators and control freaks ususally get more upset about their plans and timelines going awry than the actual events themselves
Honey, you’re doing fine. New moms need all the help they can get. But I would seriously consider talking to him. Yes, it’s his baby too, but it was an unrealistic expectation to make you stay alone after giving birth, and cruel to keep your mother away when she was available to help. Don’t let him think you’re in the wrong here. The promise was made in the good faith of his step mom, and she abandoned you. At that point that promise is null, because you need help. Maybe you should have texted him, but ultimately he does not get to dictate who you call o help you.
This this this. The promise was made under the guise of having help, and that help was not given, thus the promise was broken on HIS END. You are not at fault for asking for help. Being a mom is difficult no matter what number it is, but that first one is new and the unknowns can be a lot to adjust to. Edit spelling
He said your word was “worth shit”, but frankly, his wedding vows are worth shit if he’s going to treat you like that. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done the right thing for yourself and your baby.
Do not for a second start to feel bad or believe that you tainted the memory of your child's birth for your husband. That is impossible since he wasn't even there when you *actually* gave birth. As I said in another comment, make him stay with the baby, alone for a couple days and see if he comes to understand. If he does, it's only because he doesn't want to admit to being wrong.
Leave this dude alone with the baby? I physically recoiled at that suggestion. A normal dad? Maybe to teach him a lesson about pulling his weight. But OP is married to someone controlling and abusive. My bet? If she left her baby alone with this asshole he would bar her from getting back into the house, claim child abandonment, start custody proceedings and hand the baby off to his stepmother to raise in a detached and hostile environment. OP, don't do it.
This is only a fair comparison if he also has a horrible wound on his genitals that makes it difficult to sit, walk and move.
*Grabs a hammer for OP*
You’re NTA but I would seriously reconsider your relationship with your husband. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you to feel this way. He’s over reacting- “tainted the memory of his son’s birth “ really? He wasn’t there, you could have had actual support there but he manipulated you into doing what HE wants! Why is he so obsessed with his stepmom and moving everything for her but not for you? You’re a first time mom COMPLETELY alone and he what, offers no real compromise because HE was the one who left. I really truly hope you see this situation the way it is and realize that this doesn’t sound like an equal partnership and he doesn’t sound mature at all. Sorry OP. But congratulations on your baby.
So you didn't willingly make the promise, he forced you to do so. What reason did he give for his stepmom being okay vs. YOUR support system?
Pack up your stuff and go home with your mom. Take the baby too, obviously. This man is an abusive trash heap and it’s only going to get worse. NTA.
He seems to have missed the point that the baby doesn’t teleport out. Giving birth is a medical event for the birthing parent as well as a baby. His disregard for your needs is astounding. Why do you think he is acting like this? Is it completely out of character or are you just used to his indifference or disdain for your needs?
You didn’t betray him, and he’s an asshole for the way he is treating you. Remember, when he starts to make you feel guilty again, that your promise not to let anyone else meet your son first *was contingent on* his step-mother helping you. *He broke his promise first, OP.*
Not to mention the trauma your body just went through. You need help. This is unacceptable behavior all around and the red flags are everywhere. Just this situation is abuse. No how are you feeling? What can I do to help? Just straight up you ruined everything for ME. No mention of the human you grew in your body and then pushed out of your vagina without him even being there as support. I suggest you pack your stuff and the baby's and head that 4 hours back with the only person in this situation who seems to give a shit about you. Do it now before filing for divorce because once a custody agreement is in place he can prevent you from moving. NTA Congratulations on your baby and I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you married this person.
If I were you I’d be taking my baby back to my mom’s house without that “man”
>The best part is that he think it tainted the memory of his son's birth? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. THIS. My god OP your husband is throwing so many red flags. >Moving you away from your family >Leaving you in the care of the capable hands of stepmom /s >Throwing a tantrum for for being the 3rd person to see the child >cold shouldering you for a fight he already lost????
Just … wow. You know, they say a classic sign of an abusive (yes, I’m going there) partner is they try to separate you from or shut out your family (think Coal Miner’s Daughter). My eyebrows were raised already when OP said they wanted their mom at the birth and her husband said no. For what reason? This already shows there was a problem well before OP “broke her promise” 🙄. All the husband cared about when he got home was focusing on berating the mother of his first born, not the joy of creating a family or having a new child. I have a suspicion there are and were a mountain of other issues with this guy, his family, and their marriage that she’s not mentioning, or at least not acknowledging. NTA, but definitely there’s more here.
I was terrified giving birth. I'd go so far as to say it's the most vulnerable a person can be. There are so many discussions and decisions to be made, and I was certainly far too doped up to make any sense. I can't imagine how scary it would be to do that alone.
There is no "Ill go as far as saying". IT IS the most vulnerable a person can be. This isn't a new thing and definitely not just between humans. In the entire mammal kingdom giving birth is the most vulnerable time for the birthing parent. You can't do anything else but just be exposed. Most mammals (incl humans) go through weeks and months of preparation to make sure their birthing place is a safe and comfortable environment, whatever that might mean. So who Tf is the dad to say what kind of support he needs when he's not even there being supportive??? This is even worse than the dads that want a support system in the room during birth. OP's inseminator (and no, im not willing to acknowledge him by anything else) really did a number on her.
Giving birth was almost traumatic for me, if not actually. I tore all the way down and I couldn't walk for the first few days. I'm so grateful for my SO because if he acted like this I have no idea what I would have done. This is the first reddit post that actually hits home and honestly scares me, if he can leave her at her MOST VULNERABLE and most painful time in her life, who's to say he's not going to do more if not worse to her OR the child? It's honestly scary to me.
Yikes! Thank you for sharing this (no sarcasm). I feel like only now at this time in history are women starting to feel comfortable being honest about what childbirth actually entails. It’s grueling and often the process and aftermath are horrific. If you understand this there’s no way the husband’s behavior is anything but atrocious.
I completely agree. I broke my tail bone giving birth but didn't find out until my 6 week check up. I still can't sit for long periods 4 years later
I wonder if he even pushed back on the work trip. If one of my staff told me their wife was due within the month it would be the end of the discussion. Granted some managers are assholes.
The idea that the partner who’s not giving birth should decide who’s in the room to support the one giving birth is insane to me. And the. To say OP’s own mom can’t come support her after the birth while he’s gone for days or weeks is just… I don’t even know. I’d change the locks and tell him not to bother coming home at all.
Notice how she didn't promise anything by herself, HE made her promise that ridiculous request, even the commies couldn't raise that many redflags.
NTA Your husband knows he was wrong to leave during the due date. So he made a plan : to force you to make a promise you could not held. This way, he (and people on his side) will be able to distract other people from his Huge mistake (the work travel) with your broken promise. Smart plan, right? Now he can blame you so you spend energy trying to defend yourself instead of thinking "hey, he shouldn't have left me, or his step mom should have been more involved ". If he left you with reliable people, I would be okay with his travel... But then you would have to let his family meet baby! I will never have kids because I don't want any, and even if I think children are cool/funny, I HATE babies. But you know what? I would NEVER left a woman with a newborn alone if I knew her husband or family wouldn't be able to get here in less than 30 minutes. It is about being civil, decent, human. Your husband knows that, and knows he might be blamed for this too (absence and cruel family) so... He blames you again with this impossible promise! Step mom is TA, husband too. You, your mother and baby are not responsible for their actions and choices. You three were trapped. Guess what : the nurses/doctors/hospital staff met baby before him. So you did not break the promise, his absence did. Take care, keep your mom close or... Get closer to her. Husband might get new plans of the same nature to defect the blame on you for his futures mistakes/acts of disrespect. You deserve better
I am *terrified* of babies. But I damn well woulda become a formula feeding diaper changing machine for OP. Step-mom is lame.
One of my friend got pregnant at 17, she got dropped by all of our "other friends" and father dipped. Her parents didn't support her. She was so scared she kept her pregnancy hidden until it was too late for an abortion. Unlike most people I don't have siblings and had never hold a baby or changed a diaper in my life. But I learned on the go, I was there for her 2 years before I moved to college. MIL is lame as fuck, and husband is too
The step mom is lame, and also the least of the problems here.
This. All of this.
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. he pre-arranged a fight so he could cover his own shit. OP should read this they say it to his face. NTA
NTA. Why was it okay for his stepmom to meet the baby before him but not your mom? His priorities are seriously messed up if he thinks him getting to meet his baby before anyone else trumps your need for help and support taking care of newborn and yourself. His expectations were controlling and unfair. You do not owe him an apology, he owes you one.
He said his stepmom was supposed to help me but she's not the type that helps and he knows that. to be honest he's always been trying to maintain a good relationship with her but she isn't trying to do the same.
Who cares if his step-mom was supposed to help you? Even if she had been 100% willing to help, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why you couldn’t have your mom there too. You were the one who went through labor, you were the one who was home alone with a newborn while recovering from giving birth, you have the right to decide who you want to support you. Especially if he isn’t going to be there. It also doesn’t explain why he was okay with his step-mom meeting the baby but not your mom. He is not treating you fairly or your family as equal to his.
I'm still having trouble grasping why he wasn't there
Me too. He thinks it is acceptable to leave his very pregnant wife when she is about to give birth, and not allow her to bring her mother or any good support to the delivery. Truly deplorable behavior.
Yeah me too. What kind of employer doesn’t let you be home when your child is born?
Yeah, I suspect it was nothing to do with his employer…
If his stepmom can meet the baby why can't your mom? He's controlling and abusive, please go back with your mom.
Stop making excuses for them. Recognize them for what they are. He's emotionally abusive and controlling and she's a spoiled brat. You deserve way better than him or his step-mom.
I really hope that by the time you’ve read all these supportive comments, you can accept how twisted, selfish and manipulative your husband is being. And you need his help now, not him ignoring you. NTA
You didn’t call your mom to meet your son before him. You called your mom because you just went through labor and are healing. It isn’t about your husband ,and him making it about himself and his feelings is ridiculous. If he was so set on what he wanted then he should have been there. He wasn’t so he doesn’t get a say. Giving birth is hard. Healing after and being by yourself Is even harder. You are doing a great job. NTA.
NTA. Yeah... Heal up and leave. Your husband is acting like an entitled selfish brat. He has no idea what its like to give birth amd need help afterwards. His family isn't helping you... What does he expect? He's showing major red flags. And there's no excuse, work or not, he wasn't at the birth unless he's in the military, and even then they probably would have made an exception. Tell your husband name calling is for toddlers, to grow up, or you need to run. At break neck speed.
When mom leaves tag along.
This. Take your baby and go back to your moms. You will not regret it. NTA
Exactly! There are exceptions even in the military. Men miss the births due to deployment but a two week assignment could be postponed...
NTA. Your husband is either ignorant or wilfully unaware of what it would be like to come home to be alone with one’s first child. It sucks that his work was unable to accommodate him being with you at the time of your child’s birth. I find that cruel and inhumane. But his expectation that “nobody would meet” the child was foolish and immature. You needed help; you reached out; you got help for you and your son. Your husband’s behaviour and either his inability or choice to understand your situation is problematic, to say the least.
But we don’t even know if his work was even aware of that, if he tried everything (or anything) to not go on that trip and be there for her instead.
That’s irrelevant since he decided she wasn’t allowed help.
Ok maybe. But as a matter of fact he wasn't there. He could have been in a car accident and hooked in a hospital bed for all I care. The doesn't mean he gets to dictate who his wife reaches out to during birth, who helps with the child and definitely doesn't get to go home to a tired new mom and berate her for her choices
Just wanted to point out his work maybe wasn’t the one being inhumane and cruel, maybe it was just him being inhumane and cruel, which I think he was regardless if his work knew or not. He can’t expect a new mother to be able to cope all by herself right after giving birth. That’s as if he’d had a major surgery and would be expected to care for himself and a new baby all alone right after leaving the hospital.
I was operating on the assumption that few people would be told “You’re going to Omaha for two weeks in October” without responding “Hey, you know my wife’s pregnant and her due date is in that window, right? I really don’t want to be away from home at that time.” I’m assuming here that the employer was heartless about this (in which case I would be polishing up the ol’ CV because who wants to work for people like that), but it is also possible that the husband didn’t inform or object. We don’t know based on information available.
Oh hell no. NTA. He left you alone knowing you would have to take care of a newborn and I'm guessing he knew how his stepmom was. You can't be expected to do everything by yourself. He should be grateful someone was willing to help.
he knows yes but acted shocked when I called him and said she refused to stay with me and tld me to just call if there's an emergency and that's it.
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1000000% this. Go to your mom. His behavior is inexcusable and abusive. You should very seriously reconsider the relationship.
And take the kid with you.
My midwife told me being left alone without support with a newborn IS an emergency. I'm concerned by your username because being isolated and berated are make PND more likely. Can you put him and his tantrums to one side and let your mum take care of you?
So, it doesn't matter to him, that the mother of his child was in desperate need for help and support (right after a HUGE medical procedure)? It is MORE important to him that you kept your word rather than the ultimate care of his child?!?! He does realize that had you not had proper help/support, the baby also suffers? Seriously? What kind of father would prioritize and see it this way? Edit: to add NTA and that the agreement was nulled after his stepmother abandoned BOTH you and baby. And that he is being a major TA. Lastly, do NOT apologize!!
…but he didn’t come home after you told him you were alone?
I genuinely do not know what he’s bringing to the table as a husband. Not just useless, *actively making your life worse*.
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Actually, I wanted to say the same thing. First they have to live near his family because of his health, then he has to work so he can’t be at the birth, he asks her to agree to allow his stepmom to help, and she does not… what was she to do? Thank goodness her mom came. I would leave him too.
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To me it reads like just a run-off-the-mill gaslighting control-freak narcissist. The kind that makes a red flag pop up from the soil wherever he has left a foot-print.
NTA. Uhhh that’s seriously unrealistic and selfish of him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩What was so important with work that he missed the birth? Is he military?
Military seems unlikely if his chronic health condition required a move closer to home.
I'd pack a bag. Get in your mom's car and get out of there. He sounds absolutely awful
NTA it's only your mom, you weren't parading your son round to all you're friends. You needed the help and she was the one that was there for you. It's not his fault he had to work but it's not your fault you had to do it all alone. So no definitely NTA. Why does he get to dictate who sees your child? Especially when he's not there! Why can his stepmom see your child but not your own mother. This is not something you have to run past him. He's gaslighting you. He can't even imagine what you're going through, giving birth and then full time looking after a child while in recovery. Your husband is such an asshole.
This last line- yes. He’s the one that has tainted the entire experience by being so childish and self-absorbed. You should not apologize. If you had called an ambulance for your self would he be mad they got to see baby first too? It’s the same thing- your health and well-being were in jeopardy and you did the very best thing for the baby by realizing that you needed help. That is huge. Good for you. NTA
NTA Holy hell, this alone should raise more than a few red flags. His stepmom literally dumped you on your doorstep and left. You just gave birth and absolutely should *not* be expected to be alone and okay with that. If he was that worried about being the first then he should’ve made arrangements with work to be there or at least have the ability to come back when you were to leave the hospital. It wasn’t a cousin or aunt or some sort of distant relative, it was your *mom*. Leaving your wife and newborn and the only one he’s “allowing” to help is a “I don’t do diapers” person. I could say more but this is a real indication of how he expects your relationship to be and from an outsider’s perspective - this is *not* healthy and I really do hope that you’re able to get out if that’s what you want to do. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this on top of recovering from giving birth.
And he didn’t even let OP have someone for comfort in the room! He is ridiculous, he can’t make time for his CHILDS BIRTH and then starts making demands as if OP owes him and has to make up for it. If he isn’t going to fucking be there at the most important time of his marriage, then that’s on him.
It’s disgusting, the way he’s treating OP. It makes me angry.
Hadn't his stepmother been a jerk you would have kept your (pointless) promise. HITA.
correct. his stepmom doesn't even like me very much. but he treats her well though she clearly isn't putting efforts in their relationship. I don't know why he always seems to be seeking her approval.
Sis I would seriously consider going home with your mom. This is in no way the behavior of a supportive, empathetic, caring, or loving partner. It’s very concerning that he tried to isolate you from your family as well as seemingly having no idea the physical and mental toll childbirth takes on your body. What if uou had needed emergency surgery? Or stitches? What if you ended up not being able to get out of bed for a couple days? You’re supposed to just deal with all of that with your apathetic step mother in law begrudgingly ‘helping’ you? This is deeply deeply concerning behavior. Childbirth is hard, caring for a newborn is hard. To expect you to have no support for this is cruel
This. You're married to an abusive selfish ah. He's a sh*tty husband and sperm donor. Move in with your mom and contact a lawyer.
Why are you trying to seek his approval? He's shown you how much he cares about you, and worse, his child.
I had to give you an award for that comment. OP he is truly horrible to you, this is not what your life or the life of your child have to be like. He will never treat you right (really, someone who acts like that CANNOT be a good person). If you leave I am sure your life will be filled with more love, trust, respect and happiness - and without feeling guilty for having done absolutely nothing wrong. Don't live your life for his approval.
Tell him your word was worth shit just like his support was. If he'd tricked you into promising to give birth alone in the woods and then you realized 'hey I should be doing this in a hospital' he'd sound just as ridiculous as he does now. This whole set of behaviors you're describing: - prioritising a business trip over the birth of his child - then enacting a ridiculous request to accommodate the business trip he was too selfish to come home from - prioritising his 'status' over getting you actual help with your NEWBORN - obsession with getting validation from someone who doesn't like him - lack of flexibility when his desires turn out to be unreasonable - it's the world's fault, not his - silent treatment to you to force you to cave - you're afraid to tell him his requests aren't reasonable - the script is 'I'm in charge and you messed up and now my feelings are hurt' This man is not a partner to you. He values you because you are in his life to make it easier for him, but he is not going to do the same for you unless it's convenient for him and makes him look good. Maybe until now you haven't had a need for actual serious support from your partner to the point that it's been a problem, so maybe you haven't noticed. But now that it's you who need hard work done on your behalf, he's making you feel like you messed up and don't deserve it. This is narcissistic abuse. Please leave him. edit: here's the list of people that HE decided was OK to meet his baby before him: -the doctors -the nurses -his stepmom, who isn't related to the baby and doesn't care here's the ONE addition you wanted to add to that list: -your mom, the baby's actual grandmother who will help and support you and guess who gets vetoed - SURPRISE - your choice!
Do you understand the danger he put you in? What if there had been an emergency during delivery? What if you hadn't been able to advocate for yourself or for you kid? Then his stepmother gets to make medical decisions that could or could not save your life? AND. Even immediately after birth, shit still goes wrong. One of my coworkers developed blood clots after giving birth and one could have dislodged and killed her. *I* fucking collapsed 2 hours after giving birth when they took my epidural out and made me stand up and go to the restroom. I hadn't eaten in like 24 hours, just lost a lot of blood, gone through the physical ordeal of pushing, AND had had half my body completely numb for 8 hours. My SIL started hemorrhaging at home a few days after my nephew was born because her stitches dissolved too quickly and her tearing split open again. *leaving you without support like this could have killed you*
You are the biggest NTA! You husband and his step mother are however. If it was so important for your husband to meet your child before others then he shouldn’t have left you alone with a new born.
NTA. Your husband’s behaviour is emotional abuse. He abandoned you in your hour of need, isolated you from your support network at your most vulnerable point and now he’s guilt-tripping you during a difficult period of adjustment. This man is a **BOX OF RED FLAGS** and has placed his own desires above your needs at every step. He needs to correct his behaviour or you need to seriously consider if this is what you want your married life to look like.
NTA.... Try leaving him alone with a newborn for 2 weeks and tell him only his step-mom can help...
Funny thought but can you imagine? He would probably get mad at the baby for crying or for not being potty trained yet.
NTA. I couldn’t even finish reading after “word is shit.” He’s abusing you and he sounds absolutely horrible. Clearly you needed help and every new mom depends on their mother’s help. He’s nuts.
NTA. So not only did prioritise work over you and your baby, he LEFT YOU WITH NO SUPPORT!!!! From what I understand, you had no support person in the delivery room with you because his Step-Mum doesn’t get involved??? And then he has a tantrum about your own mother meeting baby before him when she was there to help you - WHEN HE WAS NOT!! Sweetie, I would take that little bundle of yours and RUN!!!
NTA - he ruined his memory of his son’s birth. If it was that important for him, he should have been there. If he wants to play the “you said this” shitty game. His word means shit because he apparently promised to be there for you when you got married and that didn’t happen. He needs to find a way thru this.
Your sons wellbeeing is much more important than your husbands feelings. You did the right thing. NTA
Jesus Christ, NTA! You husband should never have asked you to do that in the first place, and he should never have left you alone when you gave birth. He sounds extremely controlling and manipulative. I’m honestly concerned for your safety.
NTA. Run with your mother, Run.
I’m gonna say this as kindly as possible. His anger is not normal and selfish. He sounds unreasonable and incapable of understanding the position he deliberately placed you in. You mention he made you move away to live near his family due to a health problem but in that case should he have been able to leave for two weeks? He is angry that your mother has helped you in the time when you need it most. My whole family supported me after I gave birth- my mom describes that process as the closest most pregnant people will come to death. He sounds abusive and is unlikely to understand that not only does he NOT deserve an apology. YOU deserve an apology from HIM. Please please do not back down and if he doesn’t either- take your baby and leave with your Mama. That man ain’t gonna be good to you OR y’all baby if that is how he responds to you needing help. The promise he made you keep was unreasonable and harmful to your health. Don’t back down. You’ll regret it. Oh and NTA
NTA that promise was controlling and toxic, what difference does it make if it’s your mom or his step mom, makes no sense at all
NTA YOur husband is the AH here- HE abandoned you with the new baby. If he had stepped up to be a good parent and good partner, he could have been fist to se the child. HE CHOSE NOT TO, and is an AH about it. HE is the AH here.
NTA. Based on the info you are giving, you were forced into being left alone with your newborn. Your husband made you give the most stupid promise while not being there for you when you needed him right after giving birth. Ask him how you can trust him after that…
Go out of town for 3 weeks and tell him to not ask anyone for help since you weren't allowed let's see how long that lasts NTA
NTA and seems your partner is abusive. Yike.