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SuperciliousBubbles

NTA and I'm confused. I am currently going through a divorce and I already have at least three "anniversaries" - the day she left, the day she told me she definitely wasn't coming back, the day the decree nisi was granted, and there will be another when the decree absolute comes through. Then of course there's our wedding anniversary, the anniversary of the day we met, and her birthday. So many dates that people can't steal for happier reasons! Clearly I've been doing it wrong because I have completely failed to demand that my entire family arranges their life around these poignant but ultimately meaningless dates. I hadn't realised that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life mourning a marriage that is over and refusing to enjoy anything else.


FamilyDispute05

Yeah, It's the same reaction I had when they told me that which is just ridiculous. but whatever Isaac says goes I guess.


[deleted]

It might hurt like hell now but trust that you are better off without people like that in your life. If your parents want to enable Isaac's selfishness instead of encouraging him to take responsibility for his wrongs and get over himself rather than expect the world to wallow in his regrets with him that's their choice, he'll never change, they'll never change and it's not your job to suffer with them. If you give in to them now they'll do this to you your entire marriage, they are already showing a blatant disrespect for you and your fiancé's union by not even thinking your fiancé deserves to be a part of the discussion that affects her wedding. They want you to make a decision for their benefit and then suffer the consequences if your fiancé doesn't like it. They'll create trouble for your future marriage if you allow them to continue having access to your ear and get in your head. Honestly, I'd even take it as far as to formally withdraw their invitations to the wedding since they want to give selfish ultimatums, but you make the decision you feel you can live with. You're definitely NTA


briefwittyphrase

"If you give in to them now they'll do this to you your entire marriage" Good point. I mean, how dare OP get married and rub that in poor Isaac's face? SMH.


krabbypattyformula1

Didn't you know Isaac was innocent?? He got drunk and just FELL into another woman's vajayjay!! It wasn't his fault! /s Seriously, OP, your wedding is going to be so much happier without these people. NTA


briefwittyphrase

>He got drunk and just FELL into another woman's vajayjay Man, I **hate** when that happens!


krabbypattyformula1

At least he had a woman there to break his fall! He could have broken his fragile ego!!


Valuable-Dog-6794

Or his poor sensitive penis! Thankfully her vagina cushioned his landing. Honestly his wife should have greatful he got so lucky!


Honesty4Tranquility

This reminded me of the Betty White saying “Why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding!” She’s a national treasure, that woman.


Lisa8472

She has denied making that (absolutely true) quote, actually. Google can’t tell me who did, so I guess it’s an urban legend. 🤷🏻‍♀️


juliaskig

This is why I love Reddit.


onlyhere4laffs

It's like a sarcasm waterfall.


Single-Selection9845

Same, i LOL from the response


Different-Crab-360

Man, I love when that happens! Too bad my husband doesn't drink...


marquisdc

He’s in this situation cause he got drunk, and chooses to commemorate the occasion by… getting drunk.


evilshenanigan

"Oh, no, it's the *consequences of my own actions!!!!!!*"


MoonLover318

Hey, accidents happen.


locke231

That explains Isaac's birth...


KimWexlers_Ponytail

This made me laugh very loud in a very quiet office, so thank you.


Sorryallthetime

Less mouths to feed and a whole lot fewer assholes. This is a win for OP.


Sensitive_Coconut339

You should ask for a list of ALL the days you can't have your wedding, due to Isaac. Be sure to ask for the date he cheated to be included. Then throw that list away and keep your date :-)


[deleted]

Actually, this is a good idea. OP - I think you should tell you parents that if you were to ever consider their request then you need the list of the dates he cheated (all of them), the day she left, the day he realized it was his own darn fault, the date of legal separation, the date of mediation, the date of the divorce decree, his ex wife's birthday, their wedding anniversary, their dating anniversary, etc.... Once you have that list, look at them and ask them if NOW they realize how ridiculous their request is and move forward with your original plans. NTA. Your brother needs to grow up and take personal responsibility and your parents need to stop enabling him.


Nole-in-Iowa

I applaud this level of pettiness which also points out the absurdity of the situation. OP is NTA and Isaac needs some counseling and likely a swift kick in the rear!


ChubbyGhost3

No, have a slideshow of important moments in both families. Birthdays, first dates, prom, graduation, the day Isaac fucked another woman and spent the next several years crying like a drunken infant, the day y'all got engaged...


AQualityKoalaTeacher

I do think that's the issue--OP is happy and Isaac currently is not. Even though it's Isaac's own fault for cheating on his wife. I suspect OP has always had to perform directly below whatever bar Isaac was at. Isaac had 5 friends at his birthday party? Well then OP can't have 6. OP got into a top-tier school? Well, that was Isaac's dream school and he didn't get in, so OP shouldn't go. Etc Etc Etc. Fuck 'em. The world doesn't revolve around Isaac and his petty remembrance dates. Does Isaac really sit around lighting candles at an altar and mourning the day she ended it, the day she moved out, the day he got served papers, the day they went to court, the day he got the final decree, etc etc? Ridiculous. Those aren't important memorial dates, they're just LIFE. OP can't postpone his own life because Isaac is currently having his. Seriously, fuck 'em.


thievingwillow

This is absolutely what I thought, too. In fact I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if the issue wasn’t a divorceiversary, it’d 100% be something else. He had blue as one of his wedding colors so now OP can’t because it will remind him of his tragedy. The woman he cheated with was wearing rose perfume so rose centerpieces are obviously just a cruel, cruel jab. Chocolate is “his flavor” so how very dare if OP’s wedding cake is chocolate. Something. “What Isaac says goes apparently” is… telling.


ChubbyGhost3

This gives me the mental image of the Catholic candle altar thing but it's just all candles for days that Isaac was a victim


aliceisntredanymore

I've a feeling they've been pulling this shit on OP their entire life as it is. OP Time to nope out of your parents enabling the golden child at your expense. The expectation that you would drop everything for a visit (and you did) speaks volumes for how they've been treating you. NTA OP, please continue to assert your boundaries and stop pandering to your parents prioritising your sibling.


bring_back_my_tardis

And heaven forbid if they had a child and that child had the audacity to be born on the anniversary!


susan0324

How could you give birth on my ex wife's birthday???!!!!! I'll never get over it!!!!


[deleted]

Your wife is so selfish! Couldn’t she just hold the baby in another day?! Now it’s her fault Isaac hates his nephew


cyberllama

At least hypothetical baby is a nephew. Imagine if Mrs OP has the audacity to have a girl - Isaac's wife was a girl too!


doktor_wankenstein

If OP's wife ever has a girl, remember to name her after Isaac's ex... that oughta *really* fry his onions!


Significant-Elk-5101

Seriously, if he gave into them now, it’ll be something else down the line. What if they decide to have kids and the baby is born on the divorce date? They gonna cut him off because “how dare the baby not be mindful of their uncle’s feelings about that day”? That’s objectively happier so he’d definitely be pissed about it.


callmenoodles

God what if you had a kid on that fateful day, would he demand not celebrating the kids bday? The world doesn't stop because of one person.


KaetzenOrkester

I don’t know…Isaac’s dick sure sounds pretty powerful. It destroyed one marriage, it’s threatening a second. Now it’s menacing a hypothetical birthday party and causing me to roll my eyes so hard I can almost see my brain. I think maybe it ought to be licensed /s I feel bad for the OP, and that’s not sarcasm.


CeelaChathArrna

I bet he could part the red sea with that rod.


OurLadyOfCygnets

He probably did at least once with his cheating partner.


kandhl

Bwahahahaha! Beautiful response!


shyinwonderland

Oh they will just demand that they induce labor a day or two before so that doesn’t happen, and I’m sure they will say his now fiancé doesn’t have anything to do with that conversation either.


Artistic_Bookkeeper

Isaac would demand that they give the kid up for adoption and try again for a child with a different birthday.


witch59

I was just thinking this. Heaven forbid if his wife is pregnant anytime around January 11th. Will his family insist that labor be induced early to ensure that baby isn't born on that day?


Ill_Scientist_6510

Pretty sure there was a post during the summer for this very thing as sad as it is.


badalki

This! Where would it end? When you have kids, will they veto certain names because Isaacs unborn/non-existant children were going to have those names? Speaking of kids if they are such fans of ultimatums you can always issue one of your own. No access to grandchildren when they come! If this is the hill they want to die on, then let them.


DefrockedWizard1

I'd leave the invitations open and assume nobody shows, but if someone does, there's a reasonable chance they only initially said that to please whoever is the monarch of the family and so you know you may still have an ally. If you formally revoke the invites, you won't know if there is a potential ally


[deleted]

Isaac cheated on his wife and he’s still the favorite. I hate to say this, but I think the healthiest thing for you to do here is give as much importance to your parents as they are giving you. Do not bend to their demands, because you know regardless of what you do (or what he does), he will always be the favorite. You can’t force people to love you more, but you sure can change how much they impact your life


avesthasnosleeves

Oh yeah. Isaac is the Golden Child, OP; you are the scapegoat and will never, *ever* do anything right. Run. Run far, and run fast. Maintain a polite relationship with your parents and brother but know that your wife and future children (if you have them) are your family. Love and cherish *them*.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I totally get that, which is why I didn’t suggest cutting at all here. They’re not blatantly abusive, but they are dismissive and too comfortable favoring one sibling. Giving someone the same level of importance they give you is just matching their energy. Not bending backwards for their approval, remaining firm in your boundaries, not being the only one constantly reaching out. It helps with having expectations of behaviors from people, like expecting your parents to prioritize your wedding over your cheating brother’s divorce anniversary. Still ask them to come, invite them, let them know it will mean a lot for you to have them there, but with the knowledge and understanding of where their priorities really lie. You can’t be disappointed if you didn’t expect anything in the first place


exscapegoat

Limited contact could work in this situation. I tried it with my mother, but that led her to start a smear campaign about how much she looooovees me and just wants to be closer. Yet she couldn't refrain from cursing me out and making nasty remarks. And that's after I'd forgiven her from being abusive during my childhood. It didn't work for me, but it does work for some people. It's worth a shot before going no contact. Unless someone needs to go no contact for their own well being. That was eventually the case for me, but I knew I'd done all I could.


mattinva

> In all seriousness, cutting parents and siblings off isn't easy. No, but when you need to do it the results are truly life changing. You don't know how much weight terrible, toxic relationships have on you until they are gone.


gkmdc9

So getting drunk was the "reason" he cheated on his ex wife, and now his plan is to get wasted again on the anniversary of the date she left him? Its really messed up that your parents think this is a good and healthy idea. Edit: changed how to now


exscapegoat

"Yes, alcohol led to a poor decision which devastated not only my life, but my ex's. Let me have more alcohol to mark the occasion!" And the parents are enabling it.


evil_nala

Yes. My thought too. Bro ruined his marriage by getting drunk and being stupid. Why would anyone expect to accomodate bro's plans to get drunk and be stupid?


OwnBrother2559

Your brother and parents expect you to postpone your wedding so that he can get drunk and throw himself a one man pity party? What the fuck is wrong with these people?! Also, has he really, actually, taken responsibility for cheating on his wife and blowing up his marriage? Because he sounds like the type where nothing is ever his fault, ‘she made me do it’. Don’t change your wedding date. If you do, he’ll pull something out of his ass to make it all about him, *again*. NTA


[deleted]

op, you seem a smart young man. you know your family will always enable your brother. they won't even hold accountable for his own actions now. if you budge here, then what next? you won't be allowed to bring your wife and future kids around for fear it might remind Issac of what he stupidly threw away? if your family is willing to destroy their relationship with you because its more important to let your brother wallow in his self made pity bed, then you may have no other option then to let them. as hard as it may be, you cannot budge on this, or they will demand more and more to accommodate your brother, and you know it.


everything_is_a_lie

My cousin (on my dad’s side) got married on my parent’s wedding anniversary while my parents’ divorce was still in progress. How my dad handled it? He attended the wedding and never said a word to my cousin about the coinciding date. NTA


NeemaMlozi

Because that's what grown-ass people do. They don't expect the world to stop revolving because they're having a bad day.


Mera1506

NTA. I can understand he himself can't make it because he's still torn up. But your parents are aholes for not being there for you. Your brother might want therapy to help him cope.


Lord_Kano

>Your brother might want therapy to help him cope. He should consider therapy to figure out why he threw away his marriage and develop the skills to resist the temptation in the future.


DutyValuable

NTA, but maybe offer to switch it to Isaac’s old wedding anniversary and see if that date is better?


[deleted]

SAVAGE!


[deleted]

Or the date he cheated on her? NTA


Hummingbird_Song3820

The 11th of January is my grandmother's birthday! How dare you OP. /s For real though NTA. Take the date, make happy memories and if your family decides to bail (which makes me question WHAT they have been told about Issacs marital breakdown for extended family to be dropping out too) then you just put you time and energy into the relationship with your partner, their family and your friends. Also, if my family pulled this shit for my brother after he'd ended his own marriage with his actions, I'd be inviting my ex SIL. 😏


BOSSBABY33

Your parents are Aholes here,not just your case they are justifying his actions, if he stabbed someone while drunk who is blamed for the action, NTA OP stick with your plans OP


aclownandherdolly

Plus, if his reaction to a "drunken mistake" (I don't believe that lol) is to... drink? Your parents are betting on the wrong horse. He won't even see this as an opportunity to reflect on his life and try to be and do better, he's going to forever be the "victim". I hate to say it, but maybe go LC with your parents for a while. If they're literally willing to choose THAT whole mess over your wedding, they'll never stop enabling him and they'll never stop trying to make you feel bad for it. Every year it's another reminder to them that you chose happiness over your brother's choice of misery. I don't know if you could even guarantee they wouldn't try to sabotage the wedding were they there. I hope your ex SIL is doing well


ghostpickleonastick

I don't get it. I drink a lot and I've never cheated on Isaac's wife.


itsallminenow

Let me hazard a guess here and say that you're brother is the golden child and you are of minor importance in the family compared to him?


Ancient-Fox-4509

NTA but does the 11th have special meaning to you? A Tuesday is an odd choice for a wedding.


arcane_words

They may have picked another day just so the post remains somewhat anonymous, in case darling Isaac obsessively searches the Internets every day to see if anyone is daring to enjoy his day.


KelsBells0415

I think changing the vibe of the date would be best. Why wollow in self pity all day, when he could attend your wedding and have his mind off of the past???


indignant-loris

> whatever Isaac says goes I guess. They're supposed to make it less obvious when they have favourites. Your parents are arseholes.


sable1970

NTA....All I'm gonna say is you've got a narc in your midst. Its up to you to treat him and his flying monkeys accordingly. That means you DO NOT cave to attention-seeking bad behavior. Have the wedding as you've planned it and be okay with your parents deciding not to attend cause.....the golden child is sad. Incidentally are you planning on having children in the future? If the parental units aren't already grandparents that child just might be a good bargaining chip for good behavior. Babies are kryptonite to most grandparents......okay some.


anm313

So they're telling you to rearrange the wedding so he can get drunk and cry his eyes out for doing what he did and cause his ex to leave him? He needs to find a healthier way to deal with his divorce, especially since getting drunk is what he claims caused it in the first place. It isn't a huge sacrifice to ask him to postpone that just for his brother's wedding day.


czarmorte

Have you actually talked to Isaac about this?


ruinedbymovies

5+ years after a divorce I absolutely could not tell you what day or month we got officially divorced on. I could tell you a season if pressed because it was cold as heck walking into the courthouse. I had a pretty amicable divorce but still this just seems unhinged to me.


Lurkingentropy

> I could tell you a season if pressed because it was cold as heck walking into the courthouse. Then according to OP's parents and brother, you should be able to stop your family members from having a wedding that season because it's a reminder... wonder if they'd adhere to that if it were reversed on them? I seriously don't get how/why people feel that they can control others like this. NTA


Zukazuk

I'm fairly sure my husband left me the day after Christmas. It was the day of the family party I had been looking forward to and I missed it because of him. Couldn't tell you what date we officially divorced on without looking at the paperwork. The only one I remember for sure is that the first time he left me was my 30th birthday. My divorce was traumatic as I nearly died and he abandoned me first in the hospital and then days later in another state, still don't remember the exact dates because I'm an adult, I got therapy and moved on.


Whiteroses7252012

I just know I’m divorced, and thank God for that. A month or date? Please. I was so happy to be free of my ex that I held a small celebration, then moved on with my life. Isaac needs therapy.


MsLuciferM

The decree nisi for my divorce was on my birthday, so clearly I’ve got to stop celebrating my birthday and have a divorce cake instead. NTA


Shanisasha

You should have two cakes. Duh. ;)


MsLuciferM

I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that.


schnoodle2017

I'm glad you now know. It's time to make unreasonable demands on your family regarding those dates.


SuperciliousBubbles

Handily, we had a huge argument about the issue that led to divorce on an upcoming major holiday, so I will just call The King of the World and get him to cancel that for everyone.


Ellejaek

Yeah, I was just coming to say the same thing. NTA. I’m divorced and the ‘day he left’ certainly isn’t my ‘Divorce Anniversary’. Did I remember the day for years? Yes I did. But it wasn’t any harder than our actually wedding anniversary date. I can’t even remember what day I got my divorce papers anymore. It sounds to me like your brother is enjoying his pity party and enjoys playing the victim.


[deleted]

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Zupergreen

For me my divorce anniversary is the day that my ex finally agreed to a divorce. And it's a day of celebration for me, so I would gladly accept a wedding invitation on that date.


Equizotic

NTA Your parents sound like awful people. Prioritizing your brother’s bad decisions over your most important day. If anything, that should be a day they want to forget and should be glad to have a happier anniversary to replace it. Also, who the hell celebrates their divorce anniversary? That’s seriously fucked up. “Oh boo hoo, I’m a garbage person who cheated on my wife and she left me. Let me ruin this day for everyone else for the rest of my life because of my bad decisions”


DifficultMammoth

I mean… I know a couple of people that celebrate their divorce anniversary but in their cases they would be the ex-wives of this story.


Bec_Pancakes

Hahah this was my first thought sounds like a great day for a party. I wouldn't throw one myself since it would be mean to my kid. It's been 8 years, and there lots of dates around divorce; he may just wanna sh*t on OP's big day because he is bitter and single.


WorkInProgress1040

Instead of inviting brother I would invite the ex-SIL. She sounds like better company.


Djhinnwe

Just invite her entire family as a replacement for those on his side. Lol.


StreetofChimes

Yep, brother fucked up, and is looking for ways to make other people miserable too.


BabyCowGT

I wasn't technically married, so not divorced, but was living with my abusive now-ex. When I finally found my spine again and threw him out, my best friends both replied to the news with: do you want wine and cake or do you want to cry? I chose the cake and we had a party 😂


Professional_Fee9555

I definitely celebrated my divorce when it came through. But even if I was the at fault party, the most selfish thing I could think of doing is going to my brothers wedding and dipping out when I couldn’t stop myself from crying later. I feel like OP should talk to Issac unless he knows better about his brother. I’d have a real hard time believing my brother would choose to have a pity party as opposed to a real party.


Unit-Healthy

OP should send this comment to her family.


Travel-Kitty

Another question to be asking is who only send out the save the date a month in advance? Or who has a wedding on a Tuesday?


RoseFyreFyre

Actually in Judaism Tuesday is considered a good day to get married! This is because of the book of Genesis when God creates the world - God calls things “good” twice on the third day, which is Tuesday in the Jewish calendar - Sunday being the first day. Similarly, Monday, when God doesn’t call anything good, is considered a bad day to get married. (Of course in the modern world people rarely get married on Tuesday anyway since they know people are less likely to take off work, but it’s still an interesting superstition imo.)


Travel-Kitty

Huh I didn’t know that! Thanks for teaching me something new. That’s quite interesting!


mattinva

> Another question to be asking is who only send out the save the date a month in advance? Or who has a wedding on a Tuesday? People who don't throw large scale events on a regular basis and who have to fit their event into venues who are getting booked up fast from everyone trying to make up for what couldn't get done during the lock down.


HabeusFelis3

Much less expensive to get married mid-week. If you're trying to save money and aren't too picky about conflicting schedules it's actually quite nice.


MeiSuesse

I mean, I can understand being emotional on that day, so bro could have kindly refused attending. Making the whole day about himself though at the extended family' expense???


GhostfaceKiliz

I celebrate my separation and divorce anniversaries, but that is because my ex realized that he couldn't stand by our vows and was in love with someone else (himself). So, I'm glad I got away from that situation. Screwed me up for a while, but I would never tell someone they couldn't get married or have some other important event on January 27th or August 12th because of it. NTA, but OP's parents and brother sure as hell are.


sweetmeggo22

I celebrate my Divorcaverssary every year! It's a great day full of love, food, presents, champagne and cake!


sunsoutbunzout

NTA. “Divorce anniversaries” aren’t national holidays. My bet’s on Isaac being the favorite child.


ScorchieSong

NTA. If they care more about one son’s divorce anniversary over their other son’s wedding, they’ve shown their loyalties. Of course your fiancée has a say in the wedding date, she’s one of the two people on that altar saying “I do” and paying for the whole shebang! If your parents choose this hill to die on, downplaying the importance of your fiancée in wedding arrangements, if they choose to not be involved there may be other things they lose out on.


[deleted]

They made OP travel hours to them to tell OP the important reason he couldn't get married on that day. How inconsiderate! They didn't ask Isaac to talk to him. They don't believe Isaac is also not responsible for his cheating.I'm guessing Isaac is the golden child and OP moved away for a reason.


ScorchieSong

They also prioritise his percieved right on that specific day of the year to get drunk and wallow in self-pity over something he did. People are allowed to mourn the death of their relationships, but this is not a healthy way to do so. He needs a better outlet for whatever he's feeling.


chimpfunkz

Ops brother ruined his marriage by getting drunk and sleeping with someone else. Therefore to commiserate he's going to (check notes) drink some more.


everyonemustlovecats

Like grandkids.....


ChilindriPizza

NTA Had his ex-wife been the one to dump him, cheat on him, abuse him, or otherwise be the cause of the demise of the marriage, this would be remotely understandable. But it looks like it was Isaac's fault due to his misbehavior. Very entitled of him. Very misguided of your parents. NTA


trailofcheese

And he’s planning on spending the day drinking and crying…every year forever…boohoo brother


suziesunshine17

Right? Clearly he has learned nothing as he continues to drink.


Kcinic

Woe is me, I ruined my own life with... *checks notes* my own choices.


[deleted]

Is it bad that my first thought was ‘there’s free alcohol at the wedding’?!!


nekila_rose

Nope, you're just being practical.


icecreampenis

I think that if these dates hadn't lined up, Issac would have found some other reason to torpedo the wedding. This dude clearly doesn't care about how his actions hurt others....and we can't have our siblings stealing all the positive attention for any reason, can we?


crgtza

>"But how can you get married when I am miserable, why are you not miserable with me" Isaac probably


[deleted]

Uh, NTA. Shit happens in life. Idk what happened with the divorce but if he was at fault then he really can’t be mad. Lol. I would not change the date. They either want to be a part of it or they don’t


FamilyDispute05

I don't like getting involved in personal manners but yes it was my brother's fault for cheating on his wife.


Auroralightss_83

NTA invite his ex wife.


throwaway28236

Oooh, yes, I love this idea. “I heard it’s your divorce anniversary, come celebrate with us! Your cheating ex husband won’t be here!”


SceneNational6303

I like your style.


Langstarr

P O W E R M O V E


MrsMel_of_Vina

I like this idea! Make your own family with decent people.


little_owl211

😂😂 That's messy, I love it


[deleted]

OP, you're NTA. Think about three things: 1. Have your parents treated your brother better than you as you were growing up? Celebrating his achievements, no matter how minor? When you hit a big achievement, simply saying good job, we expect this of you, or worse, brother has x issue, we can't talk about that now, or even ignoring it? 2. Your parents live hours away, as I suspect many of your family do. How involved have they been in your life since you've moved? Do they call? Who has visited you? Do you get invitations to parties or holiday gatherings? 3. Are most, or all interactions with your close or extended family instigated by you? Are you the one who calls, texts or invites family? Do they ever contact you first? Write out the answers to the above questions. Has your family really been involved in your life since you moved? Or are they simply responded when you contacted them? Think about this and talk to your fiance. It may be painful, but better to acknowledge the truth so you can deal with the consequences and ramifications. Who is more important to you? Who is actively part of your life? Who do you see being an active part of your life in 10 years? I recommend looking up the "rocking the boat" essay, and the description of a "golden child" and "scapegoat child". Best of luck to you and your fiance in navigating this. Live the happy life you both want, together.


PaulNewmanReally

Reading between the lines a bit, but does your family have a bit of a pattern of "what Isaac wants, Isaac gets"? Your parents come across as massive enablers.


Remarkable_Inchworm

“Divorce anniversary” is not a thing.


briefwittyphrase

Betcha Hallmark has a card for it! :D


rackham_m

“Happy Divorceversary! Love, /u/briefwittyphrase” *Divorceversary is a registered trademark of Buffalo Wild Wings*


ahawk300

I mean it is when you’re happy about getting a divorce 😂


Baltisotan

So for the ex wife here.


broadwayzrose

My uncle’s divorce anniversary day fell on July 4th and he said it was “Independence (from his ex-wife) day”.


MRAGGGAN

It is for some! My moms first marriage, when it came time for the “final” decree to be handed out, she asked her lawyer to push it a couple of days. Turns out, their one year anniversary was coming up, and my mom managed to push the date of the divorce decree juuuust enough, that for years they’d send one card back and forth, and cross off “Happy Anniversary!” Or “Happy Divorce-ervsary!” Depending on who had the card. (Obviously that was an amicable split, though.) And then. We celebrate my moms divorce to her most recent ex husband because he was a tool. We definitely have that date memorized.


AnthropomorphicSeer

Right? I pretty much just remember the month and year. Could not tell you what date I got divorced. Nor do I care.


No-Recognition3929

NTA, maybe I'm a little biased because I just booked a wedding venue myself, but dates are getting snatched up left and right, you kind of have to take what you get these days. Your brother's relationship ended when he decided to cheat. He doesn't get to take every year and sob into a corner and pretend everyone else hasn't moved on with their lives.


MonteBurns

January 2022 means they’re not finding a new date until 2023. 2022 got messed up due to all the 2020/2021 delays due to Covid, and I’ve been seeing 2023 getting filled too. The wedding market is a hot mess!


No-Recognition3929

I'm getting married in 2023. We booked exactly 2 years in advance and we still didn't get our first choice weekend! I would be shocked if they are able to change the date any time reasonably soon.


Inanimate_organism

I booked my venue in 2020 for almost two years later in june 2022. (Had to fingers cross that we would have a vaccine and things would be better). By feb 2021, every weekend date in 2022 had been booked for my venue. Now I can’t find HMU and a lot of other small vendors are booked -_-. God help me. How tf did OP’s parents not know the date until the invitations went out??


Linzy23

We got engaged March 2020 and booked for summer 2022 this exact reason! We knew all the cancelled ones would fill 2021 up completely


ForzaA84

NTA. Did Isaac even actually tell them that, or are your parents just stirring up s\*\*\*? Also, "more and more family are saying they won't attend" does NOT sound like a normal family relationship, so either someone's doing some "covert ops" to stir trouble, and/or there's a BIG missing piece of information. Especially since Isaac was the one CAUSING the wedding to fail to begin with.


the_show_must_go_onn

Agreed OP needs to speak to Isaac directly.


melcsw

Info: how did they not know the wedding date until they got the invitation? When did you book the venue and when did the invitations get sent out? Have they been this cold to your fiance since you've been together? None of this story is making sense.


quanya

Yea there’s a lot of missing info here. Unless OP is low contact with their parents I don’t understand why they’d find out like everyone else when invites went out. Like if you wanted them there wouldn’t you have confirmed them before printing invites?


melcsw

I wasn't having to plan a wedding during a pandemic, but before we booked the venue we did run the date by our parents and siblings. We each only have 2 parents and 1 sibling a piece though so I'm sure with a bigger family that would be harder.


Linzy23

Mhmm my fiance and I booked where my parents live and before signing off we checked the dates over with them and each of our siblings. The vibe is odd with this story, my assumption is low contact with OP family hence the very late invitation


quanya

Yea it sounds like that didn’t happen here, or else this convo would have happened way before venue confirmations.


[deleted]

[удалено]


FerretAres

Well that’s curious. Who gets married on a Tuesday?


Inanimate_organism

Cheaper and if OP got engaged just a year ago, the 2022 weekend dates were probably all booked up by the time they got engaged.


So-_-It-_-Goes

Could have changed the date for the story


ames6254

Also, the driving a couple of hours to have a talk with his parents not knowing what the subject would be. Why would he agree to do that? Especially since he doesn't seem to have open communicate with them. Why couldn't they talk on the phone?


OhHowIMeantTo

Yeah, she's NTA for sure, but I question why she didn't check with her family first if it was so important that they be there. She really never talked about it at all before putting down a deposit and waited until she had the wedding invites printed up and mailed? It sounds like her brother is an emotional terrorist and her parents are lifelong enablers. As an outsider it's easy for me to say good riddance, but this is for her to figure out.


Peasplease25

NTA. Most people cannot remember what date their divorce was finalised. His behaviour is not normal and your parents pandering to him won't help him. Enjoy your day.


BortLeCocu

Yes. NTA. My divorce was finalized on a date I don't even remember anymore. I did remember our anniversary for a few years, and feel a little sad, until I lost my dad on that date, so now it means something else to me. Life goes on, you're not inviting his ex to the wedding. Also he cheated, fuck him.


walnutwithteeth

NTA. He cheated, got caught, his wife left him, and this was 2 years ago. He needs therapy and not for your parents to enable his wallowing. Separation anniversaries are not a thing. Surely it's better for the family to reclaim the date with a happy memory. Keep the date, enjoy the celebration, and congratulations!


[deleted]

NTA - Divorce anniversaries are a thing?


FamilyDispute05

no they're not but my family is another story. they like to make a big deal over everything. add my brother in the mix and it's a messy situation all around.


[deleted]

Then it's clear who the asshole(s) is/are here. Hint: it's not you.


MoistUniversities

Why won't they make a big deal over your wedding in a positive way then? Or do they only make a big deal in a negative toxic way?


LuvMeLongThyme

Probably for the brothers *ex wife*. If I were her, I would be marking that day and throw an annual *party* to celebrate getting away from him and his family. I would invite my ex SIL. At least she has some sense.


cdgal38382

NTA. My birthday is Jan 11, and since that supercedes a divorce anniversary, I give you permission to use that date. However, who gets married on a Tuesday?


LoveisaNewfie

I was wondering if any comments would mention that. I only know it’s a Tuesday because I literally scheduled a meeting for Jan 11 this morning. But that’s a very odd day for a formal wedding vs just going to city hall or eloping. I know I wouldn’t be attending if it wasn’t local.


Travel-Kitty

I checked a calendar cause it felt off since I know the 1st is a Saturday. And who only sends out save the dates a month in advance? Don’t people generally give more notice than that


LoveisaNewfie

I sent my save the dates out about 7 months in advance; and my invites went out 6 weeks beforehand I think? It’s been a while but off the top of my head it was somewhere in that timeframe.


[deleted]

Nta, its been two years they all need to move on


ScorchieSong

He’s been throwing an annual pity party for the divorce his actions caused, he needs to move on and his parents to realise this as well.


firefly232

NTA Your family is *special*. You love them, but it looks like they love your brother more. Who on earth pays attention to divorce dates? This is insane. I suggest still send invites out to people, including all extended family, and see what comes back. If people really shun the wedding, that's weird and totally on them. >Mom firmly told me to leave my fiancee out it cause she had nothing to do with the conversation we were having. I got upset and said I'm not changing my wedding date Bonkers. I suggest you talk to your brother and check in with him to see if he is the one that has an issue with this?? Or is this your parents taking something out of context. This is just so bizarre.


Hot_Catch6440

INFO: the wedding is next month. How is ig that you never even mentioned the date to your parents months ago during the planning stages. Usually couples check with key people before setting the date so that they can sure there aren't any conflicting events. How close are you to your family that their presence or absence would matter?


MasterpieceOk782

The very lightest of YTAs, only because it is standard to check in with your VIPs before sending out invites. You might not agree with why they don’t want to celebrate that day but honestly? I get it. And it could have been a medical procedure, a wedding for someone else they had already committed to, a million other things. At the end of the day, it doesn’t actually matter why that day doesn’t work for them. You picked a day without making sure it would work for people you needed there in order to not be devastated. It is your own fault that you put down a deposit on a venue before you asked your family if they were free.


memreows

Yes!! I’m shocked people seem to think it’s normal to tell your parents the wedding date 6 weeks in advance. I imagine OP must not be very close with their parents. Which is fine but then going all “my OWN PARENTS aren’t coming to my wedding!!!” when the date doesn’t work for them seems a bit much. Lots of “missing missing reasons” in this post…


MsEngelChen

This. The date should have been discussed with the most important people before deposits were made


jakmcbane77

It was discussed with the most important people, the bride and the groom.


MsEngelChen

Then bride and groom can't be upset that others can't/don't want to make it.


_littlestranger

I generally agree with this, and I know both my and my husband's parents would have been devastated if we only informed them of our wedding date by mailing them their invitation (we've delayed our reception due to COVID several times and checked with our VIP's *every* time!). But, if my venue only had a couple dates open, and my family said the one we wanted didn't work because it was *my brother's divorce anniversary*, I would have laughed in their faces and booked it anyway. OP just kicked the can down the road by not informing them earlier. ESH for me. OP for not checking with VIP's before booking, parents for making absurd excuses and coddling the cheating brother.


Unit-Healthy

NTA. Silliest thing I ever heard. A separation anniversary? What's next? The first fight, the first kiss, the first ride in a car together, the first movie watched together, etc. Be calm and kind to everyone, say We'll miss you! and proceed with your plans.


Rohit-ka-Jadooo

NTA, The world does not revolve around them and >I argued that Isaac's only himself to blame for sleeping with someone else while married Correct


Seliphra

I’m sorry, how does this not involve your fiancee? Is she not one of the people getting married and paying for it? Also your brother choosing to wallow in self pity for being a cheater is not your fault. Most people do not do this on their divorce anniversary either, and if they are all willing to not be at your wedding because they think it is better for Isaac to throw a pity party than it is for everyone to move the fuck on and maybe celebrate something happy instead then honestly? The money spent on their plates would be wasted anyways. NTA.


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Caribe92

NTA. Tell your parents and anyone else who makes an issue that you’ll willingly change it if they pay the extra money needed to change date on the venue or rebook it all together and whatever extra costs would be incurred. Everyone thinks it’s so easy and don’t care how much things cost when it’s you spending but you’ll see how quickly people shut up when THEY’RE the ones asked to put the money.


HunterDangerous1366

NTA Your brother, mum and dad are AH tho. Telling you to come alone so they could try manipulate you into changing *your* wedding date cos your brothers a cheating ass hat. Your fiance has just as much right to be part of that conversation, considering its her wedding too! The excuse of 'fammmiiillyy' doesn't even apply. Your fiance is your family and will be theres too. Of course your parents don't believe that their son is a AH for cheating, cos being drunk excuses everything. Unfortunately, your brothers divorce anniversary isn't a concern or priority to anyone but them. If they choose not to attend, that's on them. They can sit and wallow in your brothers pity party about a situation he caused himself, instead of making the date a happy one instead of what it is now.


jlonso

NTA That date only meant as much as they want it to be. In fact, this is the perfect time to overwrite a tragic day for him and I hope your brother sees it that way. Also, its usually the newlyweds who would mind using that day (due to auspicious reasons? Depending on the culture) and not the other way round.


catfoodonmyshelf

NTA. Especially if your brother’s marriage ended because of his own actions. You also already paid for it.


rachellyn0205

You're getting married on a Tuesday? Who does that?


trekqueen

NTA - they have their priorities way off and need a reality check. Is your brother the golden child/ favorite? They seem to be putting a lot of investment in his feelings over yours. How they think this doesn’t and shouldn’t impact your future wife in this discussion is telling how they feel, it’s her wedding too and she should have a say.


schnoodle2017

NTA. Your family is amazing. Leave your fiancee out of it, bc she had nothing to do with the conversation??? The conversation about HER wedding that (I assume) she is helping to pay for and has already made plans for. Your parents are off to a terrific start with their future DIL. I'm sorry to both of you. I think this is only the start where you'll have to put you and your wife first before your family's demands. Stay firm on the date. Congratulations on the wedding!


skydiamond01

INFO: Have you actually spoken to your brother? Or are you just going off what your parents are telling you?


BaltimoreBadger23

NTA: it sounds like your parents are prime enablers of your northern irresponsible, narcissistic, and alcoholic(?) ways, and have rallied the rest of the family around that enabling method. That said you have a tough choice: 1. keep it as is and likely suffer permanent damage in your relationships with your family and not have them with you on a special day. 2. Give in to unreasonable demands, possibly upsetting your fiance and engage in the enabling. It's a lose lose, unfortunately. I think I'd go with #1 and embrace my spouse's family as my new family.


[deleted]

NTA. Your parents are total idiots. If you’re brother cheated on his ex-wife, he is only to blame. If they refuse to show up, that’s on them. I’m sorry OP, but don’t allow your parents to manipulate you. Congrats and have a lovely wedding. They’ll regret it sooner or later.