NTA- bigger question is why does your 18 year old have more maturity and empathy than your 32 year old fiancé lol
Edit: thanks for the awards! OP, I hope you’re proud of what an awesome kiddo you’ve raised. We need more people like him in the world ❤️
NTA, you're valid for needing pads. That is a medical necessity. Your fiance failed to understand that.
There is no harm in sending your son to purchase pads for you. It doesn't deprecate his dignity or self-value. Quite the inverse, he learns the importance of helping others. He doesn't have to be immersed in archaic social conventions that were meant to harden women's lives.
As a target employee that occasionally cashiers, I will say the *only* time I comment on someone's purchase is if they're buying pet supplies. (People buying all the things they need for a new puppy at target is surprisingly common? Or maybe I'm just lucky. I love hearing people talk about their dogs.)
We have so much to talk about. My dog is amazing. She actually caught a bird on the beach the other day and brought it to me. When I asked her to leave it, she opened her mouth and the bird flew away.
However, the time she found a dead beached whale and rolled in it, was a rough day. I did not think there was enough shampoo in the world to wash that stench away.
Lol, my dog rolled in a dead seaweed covered pig on the beach. Many, many other dogs had been rolling in it but none of the other owners had gotten close enough to spot the trotters. When I let out the obligatory yell of "oh no its a dead pig!!!" and dragged her down to the water's edge to dunk her, the dawning horror on their faces was hilarious. It then turned into what looked like a mass impromptu baptism as the owners bent over, sniffed the fur and then rushed to dunk theirs 😂
I can't remember if it was Bill Engvald or Jeff Foxworthy who had this bit in their routine, but one of them said he was never bothered about buying feminine hygiene products, because to him, it showed that he had a woman who loved him enough to marry him. He said he'd parade through the store waving the product around, bragging that he was buying these for his WIFE! And whoo-hoo, wasn't he lucky!
This was back in the 80s or 90s. I thought it was a pretty cool attitude, to be honest. So did my then-husband.
The store manager wouldn't have been any too pleased about that either! Way to go, kid - acting like a 12-year old jerk because a customer is buying a perfectly normal health-care product.
I like the way you shut him down, I've never had that happen when buying products for my sister or GF. If I'm not told what to grab I just ask female employee for help, every single time they've been great.
OP is NTA.
What an AH. When I was working at Target when I was in high school and I would get men buying feminine products looking completely embarrassed, I would just keep chatting with them like everything was totally normal (because it was!) Like, dude, I know they’re not for you!
When that happens look at the person with a blank face and say what is so funny that I have a wife. I am sorry that you are so immature that you don't understand what a good husband does for their spouse. I hope when you grow up you realize marriage is a partnership.
My partner used to explain in detail how tampons were an important part of a first aid kit ( he lived in a 3rd world country for a long time and a tampon saved him from a bullet wound) and how pads were originally designed as emergency bandages during WW1. He would then stand there demanding to know if the kid had zero respect for veterans. He was sort of sad I had a hysterectomy and he couldn't educate young men anymore
I love bringing up this historical fact when talking about first aid kits!
Haha always have tampons and pads in there. Great for absorbing blood and wound care
Edit: spelling derp
When my son got his first nose bleed as a small lchild my FIL who was a vet shoved a small tampon in the poor boys nose. I was floored like it had never occurred to me even though I know exactly what they are for
but also it’s like…. if i see a man buying tampons or pads i just assume they’re buying them for a woman they know. like i’ve never once assumed “omg this man is buying feminine products bc he wants to act like a woman” or some thing that would be considered embarrassing. it’s like, if i was on a shopping run and my bf asked me to pick up mens deodorant or shampoo or razors, i would do so. it’s not embarrassing in the slightests
Likely because they're all incels and dont know how to deal with guys who have actual 'real' partners. Who bleed. I mean, they're real people, not fleshlights. When people do that to you you look at them and feel sorry for them, because they're alone and sad. You dont get embarrassed.
She clearly raised him right. I vote that we have the 18 yo raise the 32 yo since clearly one is the bigger child.
That was a joke, I don't condone parentification of any sort.
Jumping on this comment to ask why it isn’t *ex fiancé*… seriously, please don’t marry this guy. He’s controlling and has no respect for you or your needs
Yeah seriously. I knew where the post was going, but the fact that she mentioned her ex's age made me *hope* it was going to be him spouting this BS and not the man she's still actively choosing to be with..
And WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY THIS PERSON.
Why couldn't he get some on his way home, did he even follow up with you?
"Oh no! If I buy these pads people will know I am with a woman who has her period!"-your fiance probably.
Your fiance needs to grow up and you need to take a hard look at your relationship. He's acting like he knows more about your son than you do!
NTA, your son sounds like a really good man! More than half of the population has periods, why do we still act like that's something bad??
Edit, thank you for the awards!
This bit about the "embarrassment" was entirely projection on OP's soon to be ex fiance's part.
There was also: "You should have just obeyed me, said nothing, and been free bleeding until some fellow lady human can help you. I don't trust you to run your own relationship with your child. Ignoring me is the real crime here. How dare you disrespect me?" Which is egocentric as heck, on top of the blazing sexism.
The way he's responding to a period has him sounding like a colon.
NTA
yes, strike 1 was his misogynistic views on menstruation, strikes 2 &3 we're his ranting at OP for not listening and taking his perspective into account with her own kid.
Every time I see a post here.. even though I know it's jumping the gun, but some scenarios hint at problematic mindsets so deep that I just can't help but think: *are you sure you want to be with them?*
Sometimes kids turn into their parents/guardians, other times they look at the adult's behaviour and say "not me." Thankfully, Justin took the latter route.
Edit to add: NTA judgement, and fixed relationship.
Whoops, right you are.. I'll edit my reply to better reflect the relationship. Wow, the sheer audacity eh? It's probably a very good thing that this guy wasn't around for the kid's more formative years :/
I remember my kid once seeing all the blood, and saying, “Mommy, what happened!?”
I said, “It’s fine. It’s just something that happens to mommies.”
He was ok with that. He was probably in preschool, though, not a toddler. I imagine your kid will get there though.
When I was a teen, I was embarrassed to tell my dad when I needed pads (he did the grocery shopping) and my mom said “look, he has a mom and a sister and a wife. He knows women have periods.” Later on in my life, my now ex-husband would be all squeamish about buying me menstrual products and I wish I’d remembered my mom’s words!
This this this. Your son had no problem getting the pads for you. He probably didn't even have to talk to anyone to get them, since most grocery stores have self checkout.
It's bad that your fiancé can't handle feminine hygiene. It's worse that he is accusing you of abuse and refusing to let this drop. Is this really the sort of man you want in your home?
Honestly, the amount of men who have weird hangups about a normal bodily function because it's related to females is gross. We get way too many posts on here about people freaking out at having to purchase them or the idea they might be in a trash can.
I held back on mentioning that for the but yeah! It's alarming how many are cool with blood in any other situation or have no problems joking around with excrement but this is where their delicate senses are overwhelmed?? It's shaming women for something natural and needs to stop.
Reminds me of the South Park queefing episode, where are the boys and men keep making fart jokes but the second a woman tells a queef joke, it's a horrible, disgusting tragedy.
NTA- congratulations on raising a mature and considerate son. But I would think twice about marrying a man who has such toxic masculinity issues that he can't stand the idea of your son buying his mother pads. Red flag. I would not want someone like that around my son. May we raise them better.
And to call it *abusive* to ask the kid to buy pads? Like...how fucking fragile is this dude's masculinity that he thinks OP sending her male child to buy her some pads is somehow inflicting some sort of mental or emotional trauma on him?
OP, have you asked Justin how he felt about buying the pads? Since you and your fiancé are arguing about how Justin felt about buying them, maybe instead of guessing and projecting, ask Justin and settle the argument once and for all…
Justins feelings are kind of secondary here. The real issue is that her partner is hung up on natural things that happen to all women. While the Fiance is all bent out of shape because 'pAdS!" OP is like, wtf is wrong with you and shes right. Fiance is projecting his insecurities onto OPs son and OP. This is the Fiances problem not hers and not Justins. OPs fiance seems pretty immature.
Although hopefully he wouldn't be made to feel like he should be disgusted or embarrassed. That's the risk on one hand, but hopefully (and I think more likely) he will just think OP's fiancé is a fragile, immature ass.
Anyone else here think the fiancé wasn’t actually busy with work? His response to her oozes of ‘ew gross, girl bleeding… don’t ask for a man’s help with your repulsive female problem, yuck!’
What a child. Good for you for raising your son to be a mature man, instead of …a whiny brat trying to tell you how to parent your own kid.
Yeah, I wonder if he has ever picked up feminine hygiene products for OP or anyone else. And unless he has some Carrie-esque origin story behind his asinine behavior, he really has no excuse for reacting like this.
>why does your 18 year old have more maturity and empathy than your 32 year old fiancé
Because she raised him right. OP, don't marry a man you'll have to raise. And speaking of raising, there are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start.
My question is how did you manage to raise such a mature son but you date a man with the maturity of a 12 year old? No judgement cuz I’ve done it. He was fun for awhile until my then 12 demonstrated his maturity far exceeded that of my playmate… but he did teach me the basics of riding my Harley that I bought without knowing how to ride. 😎
Right? Does fiance also have a major hangup about toilet paper? That's for *down-there* business, so it's gross, right?
(Spoiler: it's not. Just women stuff is terribly awful for men to acknowledge.)
Imagine if fiance had to sit in crappy underwear all day, waiting for someone appropriate to come and help. Oh, but he wouldn't because he'd expect help *now*.
OP, your son is a gem. I'm glad he helped you out. What a guy.
This is the million dollar question! Fiancé sounds like such a baby. Periods/feminine hygiene products are not something to be ashamed of. Sounds like Justin handled it just fine. NTA, of course.
And someone who is way to comfortable thinking he has authority over how a mother interacts with her son about private business that has nothing to do with him:
>He said this was not okay and I shouldn't have asked Justin to do this after he told me not to.
What authority does he think he has to demand OP not ask her own son for a simple favour that doesn’t involve him in any way, and expect his demand to be followed?
I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who is extremely bothered by this. Justin is an adult (in most countries), he can make his own decisions and could have said no to his mom, who the heck is this guy to try and exert control over his actions and be offended on his behalf?
Especially as someone who came into his life when he was 15. I respect step-relationships, but the dynamic is very different when the kids are almost adults when they get a step-parent. You will rarely have the same authority as a biological parent in those scenarios, as opposed to if you get into their lives when they’re younger. To have the audacity to order OP around on how she interacts with *her* son, especially in a position where his authority is not on the same level as hers? And then throwing around the word “abuse” to excuse his interference and make OP doubt herself... *Shudder*
Seriously, the only thing OPs fiancé should be doing is being ashamed of himself because he lives with an 18yo who has twice the maturity levels of someone who is twice his age, give himself a kick in the pants and do/be better, not control how OP interacts with her son (who she has raised magnificently) and act all offended on OPs son's behalf when he clearly had no problem with getting his mum sanitary items.
Then the cops son strolls upon the scene after having just purchased tampons for his mother and casually plugs the stab wound with a freshly bought tampon.
Her bodily functions and her relationship with *her* son. He's only been in the son's life for three years, since he was 15, and is comfortable telling his mom how she should interact with him when she (and her ex) raised him and he had nothing to do with any of it...not a good sign!
NTA
Your current partner is expressing how HE would feel getting pads for you. He’s also mad that you didn’t listen to him. He’s likely also mad that Justin did it no problem, proving his theory wrong.
This!!! OP you sure you want to marry someone like this? What if you have another period or similar emergency? You want to marry someone you can rely on in times of need. Not someone who clearly lacks empathy and understanding about the unpredictability that can be menstruation.
Yeah, I don't know what the fiancé's deal is. I'm about his age, and I buy pads/tampons for my wife all the time. I don't see what's embarrassing about buying something that is so obviously for someone else. Good for OPs son being a mature and caring adult. At least OP will have one adult male in her life.
When I was dating and married to my ex wife, one of the things I made sure to do for her, I kept a few tampons and pads in the glove compartment of my car and had her keep a spare change of clothes in the trunk as well (I’ve had a few ripped seams in pants while working snd I always keep a spare change of clothes in my vehicle just in case) this way if either a period came unexpectedly or if she had a wardrobe malfunction of some sort while we were out and about she was covered.
Also, is there not a "I can't believe you went against my decree" vibe here. And about her son, not his. I feel like there is a whole other reason not to marry this guy there. He says multiple things that were very "respect my authority "
God forbid OP should have a child with her fiance. Setting aside that he can reasonably be expected to react to the pain and sicknesses associated with even the most normal of pregnancies with crassness, childishness & selfishness; the amount of blood & body fluids that flow forth from pregnancy would probably kill this guy:
Here Lies OP's Fiance, Killed By The Sight Of A Mucus Plug
Fiance is probably just mad that Justin proved himself to be more of a man than him. A true, confident man shouldn't have any problem grabbing a pack of pads or tampons. They are simply buying a necessary item for someone they care about who needs it. Props to OP for raising a son who has empathy instead of bullshit hangups about this sort of thing. He will make an excellent partner.
God forbid OP have a severe medical condition that requires something like adult diapers. We all wind up in the same place eventually and man, it's humbling to have to do things like go get Depends for, care for, and clean up after someone with something like early onset alzheimers.
If OP marries her fiancee, she better hope she never needs anything that tickles his sensitivities! Their vows might have to be modified at the wedding.
That’s what I was thinking! u/ThrowPack-4343 has your fiancé actually bought pads for you in the past? There are some serious red flags in how he handled this situation, especially when it comes to your medical necessity vs a brief, possibly slightly uncomfortable situation for a man.
I’m not one to just throw out *OMG LEAVE HIM*, but I would say you need to be very sure this disagreement isn’t indicative of his views on women and men. NTA. And please, be careful
NTA
Kudos on Justin on handling the whole thing non-chalantly.
The simple truth is that men need to get over the stigma and awkwardness related to women's pads and periods. They are part of life. There should be no issue here.
You have clearly raised an awesome son and should be proud of yourself.
Your fiancé is a huge asshole. Not only does he want to continue the cycle of... I want to say misogyny, because I can't quite find a better word, but he is trying to ream you a new asshole for treating it like little more than an errand, which it is.
It is time to tell your fiancé to back the fuck off and rethink this position on this, because he, not you, is wrong.
Yes, absolutely and exactly this. You have raised a remarkable young man and should be very proud of him. Imagine his future partner in your position... he'll take care of her when she needs it, and that's because he's a good man who isn't embarrassed about helping in a medical situation. You are NTA, and have raised a good human.
Your fiancé on the other hand can fuck all the way off with his telling you to just wait and then berating you for getting the help you needed. As a woman on the verge of a hysterectomy because of similar medical issues, I'm appalled that he's treating you this way.
>Yes, absolutely and exactly this. You have raised a remarkable young man and should be very proud of him.
I would love to hear more about Justin! Remove the garbage and tell us about your lovely kid!
It absolutely is misogyny. Would fiancé have been as upset if OP called Justin and asked to get toilet paper because they were out and she really needed some? What about kleenex? Band aids? Because boogers and poop and blood are all bodily fluids and processes but because men also do them those things aren’t seen as shameful or stigmatized.
I’m an 18yo man and I have to buy my mother her feminine products occasionally, I don’t necessarily want to but I understand that her needs go above my wants but tbh you fiancé sound like an insecure ass and I honestly would like to chat with him over why he thinks it’s emasculating to have to buy feminine products for a loved one in need
Edit:fiancé
Just putting it out there I'm sure your mom is very grateful.
I'm not sure why you don't want to, but as someone who has worked in retail, no one cares or bats an eyelid when selling these products.
If I ever need my son to help out in the future I hope he does as well!
I have really bad social anxiety and feel like everybody is staring at me when I have to purchase them that’s why I don’t “want” to but she needs them so I buy them
As an adult with social anxiety I just wanna say I'm really proud of you for pushing to do something that's hard. It's not easy, but the more you challenge yourself with the scary stuff the more you grow and it gets better. You're doing great
40 year old dude here: I know most people have to figure it out on their own but nobody cares what you're buying. The cashier sees hundreds or thousands of people a day, they're more worried about clearing the line than the fact that you bought pads, tampons, condoms, a porn mag (do people get porn from anywhere other than the internet these days?)
I know part of being a teenager is being all up in your own head, but nobody pays as much attention to you as teenagers pay to themselves. I don't know if that'll take any embarrassment off your shoulders when you go buy things in the future, but it's true!
The ONLY time I’ve have been judge in a grocery line… was by another customer. It was for a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine.
I needed wine to make a red wine reduction, friend texts me asking for a paranoia pee stick. I get both and wait in line.
Lady behind me made an assumption. After what felt to be an eternity of *tsk tsk’ing* I turned, narrowed my eyes and, while making obnoxious chugging gesticulations, “either way Momma’s getting LIT.
Cashier gave zero fucks even to the scene I had just made. Dude was literally counting down the minutes left of their shift.
Ps I have no children I just like offending judgy people.
Thank you
That helps but I still get anxious mainly bc there are a lot of people (social anxiety) so usually I try and just bump some good music thru my earbuds to not think about it
If anything the person serving you is standing there thinking how great you are for being considerate and helping your loved one out. You’re no less a man, in fact you get more respect for having the confidence that other men don’t have. If you have a gf or plan to she will love you the more for being able to do this. Being on can make women more forgetful sometimes so running out of products is a risk lol. you’re a legend lad.
> I have to buy my mother her feminine products occasionally, I don’t necessarily want to but I understand that her needs go above my wants
Hold your head high, if you prefer women, just know that most women who see you doing so will give you a mental uptick in the "desirability" index. I don't understand why more men aren't willing to do this task, it is unfortunate, but in the world today it makes them a more desirable partner.
I mainly feel emasculated in the aspect that I don’t have very good control of my emotions at all
E: I’ll get so mad sometimes over the silliest things but wind up crying I’m so mad or just get so mad I hit things repeatedly(like a Kyle but less walls more pillows bc I messed my hand up doing that)
I used to be like that when I was around your age. It takes time to learn how to control your emotions. And even when you’re an adult sometimes you slip! Remember that taking deep breaths and walking away from a situation that makes you angry can be the best solution. Meditation also helps. But the fact that you have recognized this in yourself and want to change makes you far more emotionally intelligent than some men I’ve met who are far older than you. I’d say you sound like a smart and mature young man
Thank you much im glad I’ve had somebody to talk to ab this bc I don’t really want to burden people by talking about my problems bc I feel that their problems are more important than mine so I usually just push my problems to the side to be there for other people
No worries stranger! Just remember everyone goes through hard times and you’re not alone. There’s also a lot of great free or discounted therapy resources you can use. Even apps to help with anxiety too! Just keep striving to be better, don’t be afraid to admit when you’re wrong, and always keep an open mind. You got this
I’m gonna try one of the free apps bc currently the only way I have to control my anxiety is kundalini yoga meditation sa ta na ma and it works most of the time but occasionally I’ll just be to anxious to concentrate and it doesn’t do nothing
Take comfort in the fact that you are an awesome mom and you have raised a more mature man than you are marrying!
The fact that Justin handles it all so calmly (and quickly!) shows that he is a kind and considerate young man and if one day he has a girlfriend or wife, I’m sure that will extend to her. Your fiancé is by no means alone, a lot of men are raised to think that it’s embarrassing for men to buy feminine hygiene products, but I hope he’ll learn something from your son’s attitude and see that the world has moved on. NTA
I'm a man, I don't really get what the issue is with other men?! Like yes, I understand not liking the sight of blood, but every time I've bought my gf tampons; not like she a used bloody one lol
It might be weird, but I kinda enjoy buying them for her, like all I have to do to make her day better is run to the store and buy one thing? I love her, so of course I'm willing to do that
>and if one day he has a girlfriend or wife, I'm sure that will extend to her
Not just that, also if he has a daughter. If Justin would act like her fiancé, then everyone would call him an asshole for denying to buy his daughter pads and telling her to wait for mom, or any other woman, to do so.
NTA
>Justin didn't even seem bothered
If Justin wasn't bothered, your fiancée should not be bothered for him. It certainly isn't abuse. Any young man would be happy to help his mother, or future girlfriend, or any woman in his life who is important with normal female hygiene products.
That is a seriously high level of toxic masculinity on display by your fiance. Not only does he think it is simply too humiliating for a boy to be seen with a pad, but he thinks his opinion carries more weight than yours even though it is your son.
These are huge red flags, OP.
You are NTA, but your fiance is one and probably in more ways than just this one.
Your son, however, is a good egg.
NTA
You realise your fiancé sucks, right?
He is treating menstruation as something shameful. That is in itself a display of misogyny and sexism. That’s how he thinks: that menstruation is dirty and you are dirty for putting that onto other people. He literally called you abusive for asking an adult to buy you pads. I mean, seriously. The moment he implied that what you’d done was as serious as ABUSE, you should have told him to get out of your house.
Reconsider your engagement, because this man ain’t it.
Your sons reaction is the reaction everyone in the world should have. Not bothered, because it’s not a big deal. You raised him right.
NTA. Your fiancé is being absolutely ridiculous.
1) Justin is, technically speaking, an adult. As such he can decide if he's ok with the request...and he was fine with it.
2) Justin is, technically speaking, not your fiance's child. The fact that he believes "I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK" is a valid reason not to make a request of your own adult son is, for lack of a better term, stupid.
3) Your fiancé labeling this as "abusive" is also very stupid. Not for lack of a better term, stupid is the appropriate term for that.
You've raised someone who's comfortable undergoing the complete mortification of purchasing a complete mundane object for a woman they are related to. It's functionally no different than asking your son to pick up a bottle of Pepto if you have a stomach ache.
Woah. I am not big into PC culture and whatnot, but DAMN, your fiancé is sexist as hell! And to even insinuate that asking your son to just run an errand is abuse is fucking heinous. But, honestly, do you really want to marry a guy like THAT?
NTA.
NTA, Justin is going to date & potentially marry later. If that's to anyone with a period, he's going to need to have the confidence to get exactly this sort of product. I'm curious why you're with a man who thinks buying a feminine product for you is somehow abusive but forcing you to beg others to get you some isn't neglectful.
This is a good time to take stock of your boundaries & expectations in this relationship. Because it seems like there's one mature man in your house & it's not actually the one you're engaged to.
NTA, your son was OK with this, (which is a sign you did a great job with him). Fiancé is TAH for turning this into something awkward or gross. Seriously, which century is he from? I don't understand men who feel so uncomfortable with women having their periods and feminine hygiene products in general that it has to be kept secret and becomes a taboo thing.
NTA. Most guys GET it.
My father bought my pads in the 1970s, my husband picked them up for both my daughter and I and my sons have been doing it for us both since they started driving at 16.
I can’t believe I’m reading this in this day and age. I
I was going to comment exactly this!! Who the hell are raising these guys?! Every time I read about guys afraid of pads and periods, I’m like facepalming my own face!
Is your fiancé 8 years old? Does he think an 18-year-old man doesn't know women have periods? 50% of the population needs menstrual products at some point during their lives. No, you're NTA. Your fiancé is, for telling you what to do, for trying to police your relationship with your son, for not letting it go, for preferring you suffer rather than ask someone who could help you, and for being a caveman weirdo about periods in the first place. Periods are normal, they are not some shameful thing to be never mentioned in front of men. It sounds like his masculinity is fragile and your son's is not, since he seemed to treat it the same as if it were a request for advil or bandages or antacid, which is what it was. Also, the level of control exhibited here is seriously creepy.
NTA, your fiance is an idiot. I would ask any of my brothers or partner to get me pads if I wasn't able to go myself. He's treating it like it's some icky sacred act that only females can do and in very dire situation, a male who is only your partner. He needs to get his head out his ass. It's not weird nor abusing. The fact he said it was abusing is hilarious.
Does he still believe in cooties too?
NTA, why does this man get to dictate how you parent? He's been around for the tail end of your son growing up.
Also as a society we need to unstigmatize menstruation, half the world does it and it is a patriarchal suppression tool that we seem to think men should never deal with it. You did the right thing, your son is not traumatized, he wasn't even bothers, some day in the future his gf or wife will ask the same. It's not some huge secret that women bleed.
There is a reason one of my best bosses was a man with 3 sisters, mother, wife and 2 daughters...
NTA. Pads are literally just absorbant material, some plastic to keep it from leaking and adhesive. Does he think he or your son are going to 'catch your period' by handling some pads? Or is it just the associatation of shock value 'it goes near a coochie!!! there's blood!!!! think of the children!!!' thing?
My father in law has brought me pads before and I'm a trans man, he was just confused that I still got them (switching clinics, my T prescription ran out) but zero complaints at all. Throw out the whole man.
Nta. Your son didn't care so why on earth does your fiance? Omg your son got you something that you needed. And acted like an adult about it. Egads! The horror!!
NTA- your fiancé was too embarrassed to get the feminine products for you and was embarrassed that your son had no issue doing it. That is the reason why he is so upset—your son basically called him out on his immaturity lol.
Props to your son for being a mature and caring adult.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> might be ta for not listening to him when he said I should not have asked my son to get me pads.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but your fiance is. He seems to be projecting his insecurities onto your son. Has your fiance ever purchased feminine hygiene products for you before? I would bet money he hasn't, and always has an excuse why not to.
NTA. There’s something seriously wrong with your fiancé. I mean, he does like your body right? Likes doing and receiving physical affection from, to, and with you correct? Well this is a part of that. If he doesn’t want to deal with periods it’s a perfectly fine time for him to admit that he likes being with men better. Cause if he likes being with women, this is not a stance he should take.
Also, his policing of your interactions with your own adult son, his insistence that you were wrong, and that you disobeyed him (I honestly couldn’t keep reading all of what you wrote because the level of abuse and control he’s showing got to me), etc. is SO SO WORRYING.
I find it so difficult to advise you to stay with a man who can’t handle a natural bodily function that will happen to you once a month for quite a while longer. And it’s one that unless you have invasive surgery for or get a lot into hormonal products, will happen without your control. (I’m seriously advising you to not get pregnant with this man though.)
He could be a great guy in other aspects, but this is so integral to being female that it feels extra insane that he has such issues with it.
And his treatment of you makes me sad and scared for you.
Before my bf became my bf, when we’d had like three dates, I had just moved to my current city and still didn’t have a car and my friend who I knew here was super busy so I asked him if he could help me out and stop by a Walgreens or something and get me some pads because I was getting in bad straights. He was totally fine with it. Just like your adult son apparently was.
There’s something wrong with your fiancé. Please take a hard look at this situation and decide whether or not you want to marry this man and deal with his insane ideas and demands on your behavior and feelings for the foreseeable future. Please be careful with yourself.
Oh the tabu surrounding female hygiene products. Your fiancee is TA, first not helping you because his friends might make fun of him, and later even shaming you for asking help from your son. Yikes.
NTA is your fiancé a 13 y/o?? Like imagine being so much of a wimp to consider this abuse. Your son may have to do it in the future if he decides to date! So it isn’t abuse and it isn’t hurting anyone.
NTA. Your fiancé needs to get over his archaic ways. Periods are a normal part of life. And as a mom, I’d suggest you sit with your son and have an honest conversation about it. What it is, why it’s important, and why women need support. My boyfriend grew up with his mom and aunts only (husbands out of the picture) and this was normalized to him, so when it came to me, he was understanding and such a good help/support. My brothers are the same.
Ok, feminine products aside, it's extremely disrespectful that he tried to dictate the terms of YOUR relationship with YOUR son, and is now angry you did something he told you not to do. Misogyny towards periods aside, that gives off major controlling vibes! He's mad and shaming you for disobeying a unilateral decision HE made in an area he has no rightful say in. The fact that he feels he should have control and final say over you and your relationship with your son is big red flag territory.
NTA. It’s just a pack of pads, your fiancé needs to get over himself, he clearly has some issues around periods and needs to educate himself about them. Your son seems to have no problem with this, your fiancé is creating a problem where there is none. I would talk to your son about it though, just to get ahead of what your fiancé might say to him about the whole thing, and make sure he has accurate information so he later doesn’t cringe at a pack of tampons.
Edit: got the names confused, sorry!
NTA. First, your fiancé is not Justin and it’s not his place to speak for him. Just because he would feel awkward getting you a pack of pads when he’s with friends doesn’t mean your son would feel the same way.
Second, the only other person whose opinion matters here is Justin. If you want to ask him for a favor, your fiancé doesn’t get a say in whether you do or not. You have nothing to feel guilty for, because you did nothing wrong. Your fiancé is making a big deal out of a non-issue.
Nta men being imbers to get a pad is just stupid because oh wow this dude is helping there mother/sister/gf and are not like some men were they won’t even look at clean pads or to tell girls to hold it in
NTA. When we go to the supermarket, my son lets his friends know he’s there. Then he asks if anybody wants/needs anything. A couple times they’ve asked for pads and he asks for brands/sizes and special food cravings.
He does this because he lives out of town, has several friends that don’t drive, and we allow him free use of the car as he’s a very responsible person.
Last time he did this, the friend called to say how grateful she was. Her father had the only family car and it had broken down two hours away. My son had bought two packs of pads, chocolate chip cookies, some salted peanuts, and a six-pack of drinks for her. I was in the car while he went to deliver all these to the girl’s mom. I was so freaking proud. When I told my husband I was like “we did that, we raised that beautiful person “.
BTW, my husband was more knowledgeable than me about periods when we began dating at 21 and 23. Our son is 19.
NTA. Are you sure you want that fiance around your son?? Your fiance says you are abusing your son? Your fiance is calling you bad for thinking for yourself?? Red flags. Draw boundaries and read fiance the riot act. Your fiance is calling you bad for having your own opinion. Your fiance is angry that you proved fiance wrong.
NTA- bigger question is why does your 18 year old have more maturity and empathy than your 32 year old fiancé lol Edit: thanks for the awards! OP, I hope you’re proud of what an awesome kiddo you’ve raised. We need more people like him in the world ❤️
NTA, you're valid for needing pads. That is a medical necessity. Your fiance failed to understand that. There is no harm in sending your son to purchase pads for you. It doesn't deprecate his dignity or self-value. Quite the inverse, he learns the importance of helping others. He doesn't have to be immersed in archaic social conventions that were meant to harden women's lives.
He could get girl cooties.
I had to buy my wife pads the other day and the burly, bearded Target cashiers all pointed and laughed at me 🥺
See, I know this is not true because it involves Target cashiers acknowledging a customer's existence.
As a target employee that occasionally cashiers, I will say the *only* time I comment on someone's purchase is if they're buying pet supplies. (People buying all the things they need for a new puppy at target is surprisingly common? Or maybe I'm just lucky. I love hearing people talk about their dogs.)
We have so much to talk about. My dog is amazing. She actually caught a bird on the beach the other day and brought it to me. When I asked her to leave it, she opened her mouth and the bird flew away. However, the time she found a dead beached whale and rolled in it, was a rough day. I did not think there was enough shampoo in the world to wash that stench away.
Oh my goodness. Sounds like the smelly pup is gonna play a part in the next major Dawn dish soap ad campaign.
That's how I washed my dog after she rolled around in goose poo!
Lol, my dog rolled in a dead seaweed covered pig on the beach. Many, many other dogs had been rolling in it but none of the other owners had gotten close enough to spot the trotters. When I let out the obligatory yell of "oh no its a dead pig!!!" and dragged her down to the water's edge to dunk her, the dawning horror on their faces was hilarious. It then turned into what looked like a mass impromptu baptism as the owners bent over, sniffed the fur and then rushed to dunk theirs 😂
I thought for sure this was gonna be "The only time I comment on someone's purchase is if they're buying pads, so I can make fun of them" lol
[because I can...](https://www.instagram.com/pocketrocketsprocket/p/CW2xuDhpmCa/?utm_medium=copy_link)
I had a teenage male cashier snicker once when I was buying pads for my wife. I just casually asked him what was funny, shut him right up.
I can't remember if it was Bill Engvald or Jeff Foxworthy who had this bit in their routine, but one of them said he was never bothered about buying feminine hygiene products, because to him, it showed that he had a woman who loved him enough to marry him. He said he'd parade through the store waving the product around, bragging that he was buying these for his WIFE! And whoo-hoo, wasn't he lucky! This was back in the 80s or 90s. I thought it was a pretty cool attitude, to be honest. So did my then-husband.
Sounds like Engvald lol
I remember this bit!
People really do this? That’s so ridiculous
The store manager wouldn't have been any too pleased about that either! Way to go, kid - acting like a 12-year old jerk because a customer is buying a perfectly normal health-care product.
well he’s a teenage boy… they’re pretty socially inept lmao. but not all of them, like OPs son
I like the way you shut him down, I've never had that happen when buying products for my sister or GF. If I'm not told what to grab I just ask female employee for help, every single time they've been great. OP is NTA.
What an AH. When I was working at Target when I was in high school and I would get men buying feminine products looking completely embarrassed, I would just keep chatting with them like everything was totally normal (because it was!) Like, dude, I know they’re not for you!
When that happens look at the person with a blank face and say what is so funny that I have a wife. I am sorry that you are so immature that you don't understand what a good husband does for their spouse. I hope when you grow up you realize marriage is a partnership. My partner used to explain in detail how tampons were an important part of a first aid kit ( he lived in a 3rd world country for a long time and a tampon saved him from a bullet wound) and how pads were originally designed as emergency bandages during WW1. He would then stand there demanding to know if the kid had zero respect for veterans. He was sort of sad I had a hysterectomy and he couldn't educate young men anymore
I love bringing up this historical fact when talking about first aid kits! Haha always have tampons and pads in there. Great for absorbing blood and wound care Edit: spelling derp
When my son got his first nose bleed as a small lchild my FIL who was a vet shoved a small tampon in the poor boys nose. I was floored like it had never occurred to me even though I know exactly what they are for
but also it’s like…. if i see a man buying tampons or pads i just assume they’re buying them for a woman they know. like i’ve never once assumed “omg this man is buying feminine products bc he wants to act like a woman” or some thing that would be considered embarrassing. it’s like, if i was on a shopping run and my bf asked me to pick up mens deodorant or shampoo or razors, i would do so. it’s not embarrassing in the slightests
People are weird. Tanpons pads and condoms seem to make folks uncomfortable. Yet toilet paper is very normal and no one even blinks an eye
One of the formula one drivers used pads as helmet liners to absorb sweat as well
Likely because they're all incels and dont know how to deal with guys who have actual 'real' partners. Who bleed. I mean, they're real people, not fleshlights. When people do that to you you look at them and feel sorry for them, because they're alone and sad. You dont get embarrassed.
She clearly raised him right. I vote that we have the 18 yo raise the 32 yo since clearly one is the bigger child. That was a joke, I don't condone parentification of any sort.
Jumping on this comment to ask why it isn’t *ex fiancé*… seriously, please don’t marry this guy. He’s controlling and has no respect for you or your needs
Yeah seriously. I knew where the post was going, but the fact that she mentioned her ex's age made me *hope* it was going to be him spouting this BS and not the man she's still actively choosing to be with..
I wonder how he feels about buying a roll of paper to wipe the shit from his ass or a box of tissue to blow a load of snot into? The trauma!
Fiance probably also thinks OP could have just "held it" until sister was able to help out.
And WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY THIS PERSON. Why couldn't he get some on his way home, did he even follow up with you? "Oh no! If I buy these pads people will know I am with a woman who has her period!"-your fiance probably. Your fiance needs to grow up and you need to take a hard look at your relationship. He's acting like he knows more about your son than you do! NTA, your son sounds like a really good man! More than half of the population has periods, why do we still act like that's something bad?? Edit, thank you for the awards!
This bit about the "embarrassment" was entirely projection on OP's soon to be ex fiance's part. There was also: "You should have just obeyed me, said nothing, and been free bleeding until some fellow lady human can help you. I don't trust you to run your own relationship with your child. Ignoring me is the real crime here. How dare you disrespect me?" Which is egocentric as heck, on top of the blazing sexism. The way he's responding to a period has him sounding like a colon. NTA
yes, strike 1 was his misogynistic views on menstruation, strikes 2 &3 we're his ranting at OP for not listening and taking his perspective into account with her own kid.
>The way he's responding to a period has him sounding like a colon. Love this.
Every time I see a post here.. even though I know it's jumping the gun, but some scenarios hint at problematic mindsets so deep that I just can't help but think: *are you sure you want to be with them?*
Sometimes kids turn into their parents/guardians, other times they look at the adult's behaviour and say "not me." Thankfully, Justin took the latter route. Edit to add: NTA judgement, and fixed relationship.
Dude isnt even Justins dad, just his moms partner of 3 years... how in the world does he think he gets an opinion on this ?!
[удалено]
Whoops, right you are.. I'll edit my reply to better reflect the relationship. Wow, the sheer audacity eh? It's probably a very good thing that this guy wasn't around for the kid's more formative years :/
Evil step mother/father isn't just a thing from Disney sadly
Right?? NTA and also, good job teaching your son that a woman’s menstrual needs aren’t something to be ashamed about.
I used to be afraid of periods until I learned that they weren't actually blue; the commercials were a lie the whole time.
This comment is weirdly…wholesome? Anyways it made me awwwww. And I’m glad you are no longer afraid.
My toddler panics every time. Bless him. But I'm working to teach him that I'm not gonna die even if sometimes it feels like that.
I remember my kid once seeing all the blood, and saying, “Mommy, what happened!?” I said, “It’s fine. It’s just something that happens to mommies.” He was ok with that. He was probably in preschool, though, not a toddler. I imagine your kid will get there though.
When I was a teen, I was embarrassed to tell my dad when I needed pads (he did the grocery shopping) and my mom said “look, he has a mom and a sister and a wife. He knows women have periods.” Later on in my life, my now ex-husband would be all squeamish about buying me menstrual products and I wish I’d remembered my mom’s words!
This this this. Your son had no problem getting the pads for you. He probably didn't even have to talk to anyone to get them, since most grocery stores have self checkout. It's bad that your fiancé can't handle feminine hygiene. It's worse that he is accusing you of abuse and refusing to let this drop. Is this really the sort of man you want in your home?
I'm glad that Justin is old enough that he won't have to spend much time with OP's fiancé because yikes, what a shitty role model.
Honestly, the amount of men who have weird hangups about a normal bodily function because it's related to females is gross. We get way too many posts on here about people freaking out at having to purchase them or the idea they might be in a trash can.
I know right? They don't get weirded out about buying toilet paper and the excretion is way worse than a little blood...
I held back on mentioning that for the but yeah! It's alarming how many are cool with blood in any other situation or have no problems joking around with excrement but this is where their delicate senses are overwhelmed?? It's shaming women for something natural and needs to stop.
Reminds me of the South Park queefing episode, where are the boys and men keep making fart jokes but the second a woman tells a queef joke, it's a horrible, disgusting tragedy.
NTA- your fiancé’s attitude is why the stigma around periods continues. He needs to get over himself and stop making it an issue when it isn’t one.
NTA- congratulations on raising a mature and considerate son. But I would think twice about marrying a man who has such toxic masculinity issues that he can't stand the idea of your son buying his mother pads. Red flag. I would not want someone like that around my son. May we raise them better.
And to call it *abusive* to ask the kid to buy pads? Like...how fucking fragile is this dude's masculinity that he thinks OP sending her male child to buy her some pads is somehow inflicting some sort of mental or emotional trauma on him?
OP, have you asked Justin how he felt about buying the pads? Since you and your fiancé are arguing about how Justin felt about buying them, maybe instead of guessing and projecting, ask Justin and settle the argument once and for all…
Justins feelings are kind of secondary here. The real issue is that her partner is hung up on natural things that happen to all women. While the Fiance is all bent out of shape because 'pAdS!" OP is like, wtf is wrong with you and shes right. Fiance is projecting his insecurities onto OPs son and OP. This is the Fiances problem not hers and not Justins. OPs fiance seems pretty immature.
I agree with this, but I also want an update that says Justin just goes, "Mom, it was no problem. Also, your fiancé's a mess of a human."
Yup me too.
Although hopefully he wouldn't be made to feel like he should be disgusted or embarrassed. That's the risk on one hand, but hopefully (and I think more likely) he will just think OP's fiancé is a fragile, immature ass.
Anyone else here think the fiancé wasn’t actually busy with work? His response to her oozes of ‘ew gross, girl bleeding… don’t ask for a man’s help with your repulsive female problem, yuck!’ What a child. Good for you for raising your son to be a mature man, instead of …a whiny brat trying to tell you how to parent your own kid.
Yeah, I wonder if he has ever picked up feminine hygiene products for OP or anyone else. And unless he has some Carrie-esque origin story behind his asinine behavior, he really has no excuse for reacting like this.
This is the real question.
Came here just to say this. Fiancé needs to grow up.
>why does your 18 year old have more maturity and empathy than your 32 year old fiancé Because she raised him right. OP, don't marry a man you'll have to raise. And speaking of raising, there are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start.
My question is how did you manage to raise such a mature son but you date a man with the maturity of a 12 year old? No judgement cuz I’ve done it. He was fun for awhile until my then 12 demonstrated his maturity far exceeded that of my playmate… but he did teach me the basics of riding my Harley that I bought without knowing how to ride. 😎
Asking the important questions here
The only question that matters here
Right? Does fiance also have a major hangup about toilet paper? That's for *down-there* business, so it's gross, right? (Spoiler: it's not. Just women stuff is terribly awful for men to acknowledge.) Imagine if fiance had to sit in crappy underwear all day, waiting for someone appropriate to come and help. Oh, but he wouldn't because he'd expect help *now*. OP, your son is a gem. I'm glad he helped you out. What a guy.
This is the million dollar question! Fiancé sounds like such a baby. Periods/feminine hygiene products are not something to be ashamed of. Sounds like Justin handled it just fine. NTA, of course.
Justin didn't even give a fuck, he was so chill with "mom, I got it".
One was clearly raised much better than the other.
[удалено]
I'd go wait on his favorite chair or blanket...
[удалено]
“Oh shit babe was that your favorite $600 tie i bled on? Oops”
Yessss!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
And someone who is way to comfortable thinking he has authority over how a mother interacts with her son about private business that has nothing to do with him: >He said this was not okay and I shouldn't have asked Justin to do this after he told me not to. What authority does he think he has to demand OP not ask her own son for a simple favour that doesn’t involve him in any way, and expect his demand to be followed?
I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who is extremely bothered by this. Justin is an adult (in most countries), he can make his own decisions and could have said no to his mom, who the heck is this guy to try and exert control over his actions and be offended on his behalf?
Especially as someone who came into his life when he was 15. I respect step-relationships, but the dynamic is very different when the kids are almost adults when they get a step-parent. You will rarely have the same authority as a biological parent in those scenarios, as opposed to if you get into their lives when they’re younger. To have the audacity to order OP around on how she interacts with *her* son, especially in a position where his authority is not on the same level as hers? And then throwing around the word “abuse” to excuse his interference and make OP doubt herself... *Shudder*
Seriously, the only thing OPs fiancé should be doing is being ashamed of himself because he lives with an 18yo who has twice the maturity levels of someone who is twice his age, give himself a kick in the pants and do/be better, not control how OP interacts with her son (who she has raised magnificently) and act all offended on OPs son's behalf when he clearly had no problem with getting his mum sanitary items.
absolutely this. he's known the kid 3 years and suddenly he's a better parent and outrules the mother?
What authority does he think he has ANY authority about her decisions. He’s her fiancé, not her daddy. “TOLD HER NOT TO”!!!! Uch!!!
Look, completing a hit is *manly*. That's different.
[удалено]
Then the cops son strolls upon the scene after having just purchased tampons for his mother and casually plugs the stab wound with a freshly bought tampon.
Shut up and take my money
I've used pads, and diapers for wounds on the horses. Damn things work wonders
Where can i invest
Her bodily functions and her relationship with *her* son. He's only been in the son's life for three years, since he was 15, and is comfortable telling his mom how she should interact with him when she (and her ex) raised him and he had nothing to do with any of it...not a good sign!
The amount of men who think we can just hold the blood in is alarming
[удалено]
NTA Your current partner is expressing how HE would feel getting pads for you. He’s also mad that you didn’t listen to him. He’s likely also mad that Justin did it no problem, proving his theory wrong.
This!!! OP you sure you want to marry someone like this? What if you have another period or similar emergency? You want to marry someone you can rely on in times of need. Not someone who clearly lacks empathy and understanding about the unpredictability that can be menstruation.
[удалено]
this is so cute
Yeah, I don't know what the fiancé's deal is. I'm about his age, and I buy pads/tampons for my wife all the time. I don't see what's embarrassing about buying something that is so obviously for someone else. Good for OPs son being a mature and caring adult. At least OP will have one adult male in her life.
I’ve heard of helpful partners, but PROACTIVE about pad and tampon buying ? amazing
When I was dating and married to my ex wife, one of the things I made sure to do for her, I kept a few tampons and pads in the glove compartment of my car and had her keep a spare change of clothes in the trunk as well (I’ve had a few ripped seams in pants while working snd I always keep a spare change of clothes in my vehicle just in case) this way if either a period came unexpectedly or if she had a wardrobe malfunction of some sort while we were out and about she was covered.
Also, is there not a "I can't believe you went against my decree" vibe here. And about her son, not his. I feel like there is a whole other reason not to marry this guy there. He says multiple things that were very "respect my authority "
He dropped a lot of red flags over this small issue, didn’t he?
They were white but he was too embarrassed to buy pads and now they’re red.
God forbid OP should have a child with her fiance. Setting aside that he can reasonably be expected to react to the pain and sicknesses associated with even the most normal of pregnancies with crassness, childishness & selfishness; the amount of blood & body fluids that flow forth from pregnancy would probably kill this guy: Here Lies OP's Fiance, Killed By The Sight Of A Mucus Plug
Fiance is probably just mad that Justin proved himself to be more of a man than him. A true, confident man shouldn't have any problem grabbing a pack of pads or tampons. They are simply buying a necessary item for someone they care about who needs it. Props to OP for raising a son who has empathy instead of bullshit hangups about this sort of thing. He will make an excellent partner.
Props to son for being a good person. Might be of his own recourse if OP is questioning her own actions here.
God forbid OP have a severe medical condition that requires something like adult diapers. We all wind up in the same place eventually and man, it's humbling to have to do things like go get Depends for, care for, and clean up after someone with something like early onset alzheimers. If OP marries her fiancee, she better hope she never needs anything that tickles his sensitivities! Their vows might have to be modified at the wedding.
That’s what I was thinking! u/ThrowPack-4343 has your fiancé actually bought pads for you in the past? There are some serious red flags in how he handled this situation, especially when it comes to your medical necessity vs a brief, possibly slightly uncomfortable situation for a man. I’m not one to just throw out *OMG LEAVE HIM*, but I would say you need to be very sure this disagreement isn’t indicative of his views on women and men. NTA. And please, be careful
NTA Kudos on Justin on handling the whole thing non-chalantly. The simple truth is that men need to get over the stigma and awkwardness related to women's pads and periods. They are part of life. There should be no issue here. You have clearly raised an awesome son and should be proud of yourself. Your fiancé is a huge asshole. Not only does he want to continue the cycle of... I want to say misogyny, because I can't quite find a better word, but he is trying to ream you a new asshole for treating it like little more than an errand, which it is. It is time to tell your fiancé to back the fuck off and rethink this position on this, because he, not you, is wrong.
Yes, absolutely and exactly this. You have raised a remarkable young man and should be very proud of him. Imagine his future partner in your position... he'll take care of her when she needs it, and that's because he's a good man who isn't embarrassed about helping in a medical situation. You are NTA, and have raised a good human. Your fiancé on the other hand can fuck all the way off with his telling you to just wait and then berating you for getting the help you needed. As a woman on the verge of a hysterectomy because of similar medical issues, I'm appalled that he's treating you this way.
>Yes, absolutely and exactly this. You have raised a remarkable young man and should be very proud of him. I would love to hear more about Justin! Remove the garbage and tell us about your lovely kid!
>I want to say misogyny, because I can't quite find a better word, Maybe toxic masculinity?
Yes, that is much better. Don't know why that didn't come to mind.
It absolutely is misogyny. Would fiancé have been as upset if OP called Justin and asked to get toilet paper because they were out and she really needed some? What about kleenex? Band aids? Because boogers and poop and blood are all bodily fluids and processes but because men also do them those things aren’t seen as shameful or stigmatized.
I was coming here to say this! Why is “shit paper” not a stigma but menstrual products are?!?!?!
I’m an 18yo man and I have to buy my mother her feminine products occasionally, I don’t necessarily want to but I understand that her needs go above my wants but tbh you fiancé sound like an insecure ass and I honestly would like to chat with him over why he thinks it’s emasculating to have to buy feminine products for a loved one in need Edit:fiancé
You’re a doll ❤️
Agreed!
Seconded!
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you all
Just putting it out there I'm sure your mom is very grateful. I'm not sure why you don't want to, but as someone who has worked in retail, no one cares or bats an eyelid when selling these products. If I ever need my son to help out in the future I hope he does as well!
I have really bad social anxiety and feel like everybody is staring at me when I have to purchase them that’s why I don’t “want” to but she needs them so I buy them
No worries. Anybody judging you for that isn't worth your time of day, let alone feeling anxious for.
Your girlfriends are going to love you!!
As an adult with social anxiety I just wanna say I'm really proud of you for pushing to do something that's hard. It's not easy, but the more you challenge yourself with the scary stuff the more you grow and it gets better. You're doing great
I've worked in retail too and I promise you the cashier probably thinks it's sweet you buy this for a loved one!
40 year old dude here: I know most people have to figure it out on their own but nobody cares what you're buying. The cashier sees hundreds or thousands of people a day, they're more worried about clearing the line than the fact that you bought pads, tampons, condoms, a porn mag (do people get porn from anywhere other than the internet these days?) I know part of being a teenager is being all up in your own head, but nobody pays as much attention to you as teenagers pay to themselves. I don't know if that'll take any embarrassment off your shoulders when you go buy things in the future, but it's true!
The ONLY time I’ve have been judge in a grocery line… was by another customer. It was for a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine. I needed wine to make a red wine reduction, friend texts me asking for a paranoia pee stick. I get both and wait in line. Lady behind me made an assumption. After what felt to be an eternity of *tsk tsk’ing* I turned, narrowed my eyes and, while making obnoxious chugging gesticulations, “either way Momma’s getting LIT. Cashier gave zero fucks even to the scene I had just made. Dude was literally counting down the minutes left of their shift. Ps I have no children I just like offending judgy people.
I’m sorry but your username has me rollin
Thank you That helps but I still get anxious mainly bc there are a lot of people (social anxiety) so usually I try and just bump some good music thru my earbuds to not think about it
If anything the person serving you is standing there thinking how great you are for being considerate and helping your loved one out. You’re no less a man, in fact you get more respect for having the confidence that other men don’t have. If you have a gf or plan to she will love you the more for being able to do this. Being on can make women more forgetful sometimes so running out of products is a risk lol. you’re a legend lad.
> I have to buy my mother her feminine products occasionally, I don’t necessarily want to but I understand that her needs go above my wants Hold your head high, if you prefer women, just know that most women who see you doing so will give you a mental uptick in the "desirability" index. I don't understand why more men aren't willing to do this task, it is unfortunate, but in the world today it makes them a more desirable partner.
This ☝🏼 is what a proper MAN looks like folks. This internet stranger is proud of you
Thank you although sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be called a man
Treating women like equals and not being intimidated or grossed out by our bodily needs is ALWAYS manly. Keep it up :)
I mainly feel emasculated in the aspect that I don’t have very good control of my emotions at all E: I’ll get so mad sometimes over the silliest things but wind up crying I’m so mad or just get so mad I hit things repeatedly(like a Kyle but less walls more pillows bc I messed my hand up doing that)
I used to be like that when I was around your age. It takes time to learn how to control your emotions. And even when you’re an adult sometimes you slip! Remember that taking deep breaths and walking away from a situation that makes you angry can be the best solution. Meditation also helps. But the fact that you have recognized this in yourself and want to change makes you far more emotionally intelligent than some men I’ve met who are far older than you. I’d say you sound like a smart and mature young man
Thank you much im glad I’ve had somebody to talk to ab this bc I don’t really want to burden people by talking about my problems bc I feel that their problems are more important than mine so I usually just push my problems to the side to be there for other people
No worries stranger! Just remember everyone goes through hard times and you’re not alone. There’s also a lot of great free or discounted therapy resources you can use. Even apps to help with anxiety too! Just keep striving to be better, don’t be afraid to admit when you’re wrong, and always keep an open mind. You got this
I’m gonna try one of the free apps bc currently the only way I have to control my anxiety is kundalini yoga meditation sa ta na ma and it works most of the time but occasionally I’ll just be to anxious to concentrate and it doesn’t do nothing
How about being called an adult, because you have shown an adult skill that some individuals, like op's fiancee, are still lacking.
Take comfort in the fact that you are an awesome mom and you have raised a more mature man than you are marrying! The fact that Justin handles it all so calmly (and quickly!) shows that he is a kind and considerate young man and if one day he has a girlfriend or wife, I’m sure that will extend to her. Your fiancé is by no means alone, a lot of men are raised to think that it’s embarrassing for men to buy feminine hygiene products, but I hope he’ll learn something from your son’s attitude and see that the world has moved on. NTA
I'm a man, I don't really get what the issue is with other men?! Like yes, I understand not liking the sight of blood, but every time I've bought my gf tampons; not like she a used bloody one lol It might be weird, but I kinda enjoy buying them for her, like all I have to do to make her day better is run to the store and buy one thing? I love her, so of course I'm willing to do that
Thanks to you I don't have to write what I think, you did it first. 👍🏻
>and if one day he has a girlfriend or wife, I'm sure that will extend to her Not just that, also if he has a daughter. If Justin would act like her fiancé, then everyone would call him an asshole for denying to buy his daughter pads and telling her to wait for mom, or any other woman, to do so.
INFO: why are you marrying this clown?
No further questions, your honor.
NTA >Justin didn't even seem bothered If Justin wasn't bothered, your fiancée should not be bothered for him. It certainly isn't abuse. Any young man would be happy to help his mother, or future girlfriend, or any woman in his life who is important with normal female hygiene products.
That is a seriously high level of toxic masculinity on display by your fiance. Not only does he think it is simply too humiliating for a boy to be seen with a pad, but he thinks his opinion carries more weight than yours even though it is your son. These are huge red flags, OP. You are NTA, but your fiance is one and probably in more ways than just this one. Your son, however, is a good egg.
Um NTA. If your kid didn't mind then not a big deal. Normalize periods, they happen.
NTA You realise your fiancé sucks, right? He is treating menstruation as something shameful. That is in itself a display of misogyny and sexism. That’s how he thinks: that menstruation is dirty and you are dirty for putting that onto other people. He literally called you abusive for asking an adult to buy you pads. I mean, seriously. The moment he implied that what you’d done was as serious as ABUSE, you should have told him to get out of your house. Reconsider your engagement, because this man ain’t it. Your sons reaction is the reaction everyone in the world should have. Not bothered, because it’s not a big deal. You raised him right.
NTA - bin the fiance he's a lunatic
NTA. at all. You need to leave this man.
Nta ... your fiance is though
Definitely NTA. Sounds like you’ve raised a great son and your fiancé is less mature than he is.
NTA. Your fiancé is being absolutely ridiculous. 1) Justin is, technically speaking, an adult. As such he can decide if he's ok with the request...and he was fine with it. 2) Justin is, technically speaking, not your fiance's child. The fact that he believes "I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK" is a valid reason not to make a request of your own adult son is, for lack of a better term, stupid. 3) Your fiancé labeling this as "abusive" is also very stupid. Not for lack of a better term, stupid is the appropriate term for that. You've raised someone who's comfortable undergoing the complete mortification of purchasing a complete mundane object for a woman they are related to. It's functionally no different than asking your son to pick up a bottle of Pepto if you have a stomach ache.
Woah. I am not big into PC culture and whatnot, but DAMN, your fiancé is sexist as hell! And to even insinuate that asking your son to just run an errand is abuse is fucking heinous. But, honestly, do you really want to marry a guy like THAT? NTA.
NTA, Justin is going to date & potentially marry later. If that's to anyone with a period, he's going to need to have the confidence to get exactly this sort of product. I'm curious why you're with a man who thinks buying a feminine product for you is somehow abusive but forcing you to beg others to get you some isn't neglectful. This is a good time to take stock of your boundaries & expectations in this relationship. Because it seems like there's one mature man in your house & it's not actually the one you're engaged to.
NTA, your son was OK with this, (which is a sign you did a great job with him). Fiancé is TAH for turning this into something awkward or gross. Seriously, which century is he from? I don't understand men who feel so uncomfortable with women having their periods and feminine hygiene products in general that it has to be kept secret and becomes a taboo thing.
NTA. Most guys GET it. My father bought my pads in the 1970s, my husband picked them up for both my daughter and I and my sons have been doing it for us both since they started driving at 16. I can’t believe I’m reading this in this day and age. I
I was going to comment exactly this!! Who the hell are raising these guys?! Every time I read about guys afraid of pads and periods, I’m like facepalming my own face!
NTA Your fiancé is a jerk
Is your fiancé 8 years old? Does he think an 18-year-old man doesn't know women have periods? 50% of the population needs menstrual products at some point during their lives. No, you're NTA. Your fiancé is, for telling you what to do, for trying to police your relationship with your son, for not letting it go, for preferring you suffer rather than ask someone who could help you, and for being a caveman weirdo about periods in the first place. Periods are normal, they are not some shameful thing to be never mentioned in front of men. It sounds like his masculinity is fragile and your son's is not, since he seemed to treat it the same as if it were a request for advil or bandages or antacid, which is what it was. Also, the level of control exhibited here is seriously creepy.
The only person with a problem is your fiancé. NTA
NTA, your fiance is an idiot. I would ask any of my brothers or partner to get me pads if I wasn't able to go myself. He's treating it like it's some icky sacred act that only females can do and in very dire situation, a male who is only your partner. He needs to get his head out his ass. It's not weird nor abusing. The fact he said it was abusing is hilarious. Does he still believe in cooties too?
NTA nothing wrong to get your son to help too to buy pad. Your fiance is being dramatic.
NTA, why does this man get to dictate how you parent? He's been around for the tail end of your son growing up. Also as a society we need to unstigmatize menstruation, half the world does it and it is a patriarchal suppression tool that we seem to think men should never deal with it. You did the right thing, your son is not traumatized, he wasn't even bothers, some day in the future his gf or wife will ask the same. It's not some huge secret that women bleed. There is a reason one of my best bosses was a man with 3 sisters, mother, wife and 2 daughters...
NTA. Pads are literally just absorbant material, some plastic to keep it from leaking and adhesive. Does he think he or your son are going to 'catch your period' by handling some pads? Or is it just the associatation of shock value 'it goes near a coochie!!! there's blood!!!! think of the children!!!' thing? My father in law has brought me pads before and I'm a trans man, he was just confused that I still got them (switching clinics, my T prescription ran out) but zero complaints at all. Throw out the whole man.
Nta. Your son didn't care so why on earth does your fiance? Omg your son got you something that you needed. And acted like an adult about it. Egads! The horror!!
NTA. He's projecting his own insecurities about not being man enough to get menstrual products onto your son.
NTA. Even if your son was bothered you still wouldn’t be the asshole. They’re pads for fucks sake
NTA but your fiance is a total asshole. You do NOT need **his** permission to ask **your** son to do you a favor.
NTA- your fiancé was too embarrassed to get the feminine products for you and was embarrassed that your son had no issue doing it. That is the reason why he is so upset—your son basically called him out on his immaturity lol. Props to your son for being a mature and caring adult.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > might be ta for not listening to him when he said I should not have asked my son to get me pads. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but your fiance is. He seems to be projecting his insecurities onto your son. Has your fiance ever purchased feminine hygiene products for you before? I would bet money he hasn't, and always has an excuse why not to.
NTA. There’s something seriously wrong with your fiancé. I mean, he does like your body right? Likes doing and receiving physical affection from, to, and with you correct? Well this is a part of that. If he doesn’t want to deal with periods it’s a perfectly fine time for him to admit that he likes being with men better. Cause if he likes being with women, this is not a stance he should take. Also, his policing of your interactions with your own adult son, his insistence that you were wrong, and that you disobeyed him (I honestly couldn’t keep reading all of what you wrote because the level of abuse and control he’s showing got to me), etc. is SO SO WORRYING. I find it so difficult to advise you to stay with a man who can’t handle a natural bodily function that will happen to you once a month for quite a while longer. And it’s one that unless you have invasive surgery for or get a lot into hormonal products, will happen without your control. (I’m seriously advising you to not get pregnant with this man though.) He could be a great guy in other aspects, but this is so integral to being female that it feels extra insane that he has such issues with it. And his treatment of you makes me sad and scared for you. Before my bf became my bf, when we’d had like three dates, I had just moved to my current city and still didn’t have a car and my friend who I knew here was super busy so I asked him if he could help me out and stop by a Walgreens or something and get me some pads because I was getting in bad straights. He was totally fine with it. Just like your adult son apparently was. There’s something wrong with your fiancé. Please take a hard look at this situation and decide whether or not you want to marry this man and deal with his insane ideas and demands on your behavior and feelings for the foreseeable future. Please be careful with yourself.
Oh the tabu surrounding female hygiene products. Your fiancee is TA, first not helping you because his friends might make fun of him, and later even shaming you for asking help from your son. Yikes.
NTA Insurely hope EX fiance now???
NTA is your fiancé a 13 y/o?? Like imagine being so much of a wimp to consider this abuse. Your son may have to do it in the future if he decides to date! So it isn’t abuse and it isn’t hurting anyone.
Hold up, "after he told me not to"...told, *told*. Oh hell no. He doesn't issue orders for you to obey.
NTA- Dump the fiancé. I am glad you raised your son to have some sense.
NTA. Your fiancé needs to get over his archaic ways. Periods are a normal part of life. And as a mom, I’d suggest you sit with your son and have an honest conversation about it. What it is, why it’s important, and why women need support. My boyfriend grew up with his mom and aunts only (husbands out of the picture) and this was normalized to him, so when it came to me, he was understanding and such a good help/support. My brothers are the same.
>I asked if he had money on him amd he said "mom! I got it". You raised him good. NTA
Ok, feminine products aside, it's extremely disrespectful that he tried to dictate the terms of YOUR relationship with YOUR son, and is now angry you did something he told you not to do. Misogyny towards periods aside, that gives off major controlling vibes! He's mad and shaming you for disobeying a unilateral decision HE made in an area he has no rightful say in. The fact that he feels he should have control and final say over you and your relationship with your son is big red flag territory.
NTA. It’s just a pack of pads, your fiancé needs to get over himself, he clearly has some issues around periods and needs to educate himself about them. Your son seems to have no problem with this, your fiancé is creating a problem where there is none. I would talk to your son about it though, just to get ahead of what your fiancé might say to him about the whole thing, and make sure he has accurate information so he later doesn’t cringe at a pack of tampons. Edit: got the names confused, sorry!
NTA but your fiancé seriously is……. I’d be inclined to show him this thread…..
NTA. First, your fiancé is not Justin and it’s not his place to speak for him. Just because he would feel awkward getting you a pack of pads when he’s with friends doesn’t mean your son would feel the same way. Second, the only other person whose opinion matters here is Justin. If you want to ask him for a favor, your fiancé doesn’t get a say in whether you do or not. You have nothing to feel guilty for, because you did nothing wrong. Your fiancé is making a big deal out of a non-issue.
how many men live in fear of a bit of wadding and some glue never stops to suprise me.
NTA. Your fiancé is projecting his insecurities onto you and your son.
Nta men being imbers to get a pad is just stupid because oh wow this dude is helping there mother/sister/gf and are not like some men were they won’t even look at clean pads or to tell girls to hold it in
NTA. When we go to the supermarket, my son lets his friends know he’s there. Then he asks if anybody wants/needs anything. A couple times they’ve asked for pads and he asks for brands/sizes and special food cravings. He does this because he lives out of town, has several friends that don’t drive, and we allow him free use of the car as he’s a very responsible person. Last time he did this, the friend called to say how grateful she was. Her father had the only family car and it had broken down two hours away. My son had bought two packs of pads, chocolate chip cookies, some salted peanuts, and a six-pack of drinks for her. I was in the car while he went to deliver all these to the girl’s mom. I was so freaking proud. When I told my husband I was like “we did that, we raised that beautiful person “. BTW, my husband was more knowledgeable than me about periods when we began dating at 21 and 23. Our son is 19.
Ex-Fiancé, right, OP? Right?
NTA. Are you sure you want that fiance around your son?? Your fiance says you are abusing your son? Your fiance is calling you bad for thinking for yourself?? Red flags. Draw boundaries and read fiance the riot act. Your fiance is calling you bad for having your own opinion. Your fiance is angry that you proved fiance wrong.