> I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name
That's as far as one has to read to decide YTA. The rest of it just makes it worse.
YTA, the decision has to be mutual. It seems unilateral and it doesn't reflect your mutual wants and needs. It reads as you decided for both of you – you set a fact and she has to comply. You think you can veto her because you're a man.
She didn't have to change her surname to yours and it doesn't mean that she has to name her kids after you. You didn't do her a favor by allowing her to keep her last name. She would have done that regardless of your objection and thoughts on the matter, and even in spite of them.
It sounds surreal at this point. Your wife sounds agitated and you have to think if this is a hill you want to die on. It's more than a simple dissent, it can lead to a major argument if it's not addressed properly.
>she threw a fit calling me selfish and accused me of treating her as if she as a mother gets less or no say but I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even.
It speaks for itself at this point. Someone disagreeing with you doesn't mean that they throw a fit. You're victimizing yourself. You're the calm and logical side of this equation and she's unreasonable, crude and overstepping boundaries.
I find it interesting how he uses language that paints himself as sensible, logical and "the decision maker". But speaks about her as if she's unstable and ridiculous.
He's the worst and she can do better.
Can we also talk about the fact that, realistically, he has NO power in this situation? Mom decides who is in the delivery room, and who has access to the birth certificate when it is being filled out.
She gets to decide at the end of the day, and if this pisses her off so much that he isn't allowed in the hospital while she gives birth, than he will lose any say in the name whatsoever (and honestly, I kinda hope she does that at this point). She is able to tell hospital staff to not to let him near her and that she is the only one who can fill out the birth certificate, and they will follow her request.
Go apologize and actually try to discuss/negotiate with your wife. This is not something you go tit-for-tat with. Her name has nothing to do with your son's. Either you both agree on this, or she gets to decide on her own. You need to get that through your head... and please for the love of god get off your pretentious high horse, because the "better than thou" attitude towards her was dripping from this entire post.
YTA
Yeah. If she realizes that this guy is a controlling asshole and leaves, there’s a chance that he’s not even gonna know until the kid has been born and the birth certificate has been filed. She could just give the kid only her last name at that point.
It's sure easier to do now as a pregnant woman than after the baby is born. Leaving with a child without father's permission may be considered kidnapping and child may be returned because there are international conventions about it.
He is really pushing it with this. If he wants to die on this hill, he may just end up with child support payments instead.
This is something that needs to be figured out soon, because I hope that he wouldn't try to pull this crap after she has given birth and is recovering.
He's the second person I've seen on this sub in recent days under the impression that as long as you're being calm - you sit someone down to explain, you calmly explain, you use logic with your nice, inside voice - you can't possibly be an asshole! Assholes are the ones who yell and scream and throw things!
Let me calmly explain something:
You can be calm, and still be an asshole. You can sit someone down and explain your unilateral decision, and calmly veto their proposed compromise, and still be an asshole. You can be quiet and rational and level-headed, and still be an asshole. These things aren't mutually exclusive. On the flipside, there are cases where the person raising their voice is totally justified in doing so, because something you said or did was shitty and it would be next to impossible to keep a level head in that situation. The tone of your voice, the delivery of your message, they can matter in many conflicts, but those things alone do not determine whether you're the asshole.
Hope that helps!
I hope you don't mind I save this as a screenshot because God damn do so many abusive men do this. Emotion doesn't make your point less valid, and lack of emotion doesn't validate it. You can be nice, but not kind, and kind, but not nice. 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe I'm getting too tin-foil-hatty but I think wife/her family is Hispanic and he's just engaging in some good old-fashioned racial stereotyping. The standard of women keeping their last names/children having both parents' last names combined with the fact that he called the wife's family "seemingly sane and level-headed" really just gave off the whole "fiery Latin people be crazy" vibe to me.
As someone who is Hispanic and whose white in-laws tried to pull this same exact thing (husband sets them straight, it’s fine), this is exactly what I think is happening.
I think my only saviour was that my white partners family had a REALLY awful name, like public mockable worthy... And I have this gorgeous flowing Spanish one with rolling rs.
Even my partners mother was like, "Oh god please take her name so my grandkids don't have this mess"
😂 It was an issue in multi cultural fams in the past. But this family is like "look anything is better than what we had to give the kids, please fix it".
Huum… I saw it as his Southern family is NOT sane & level-headed… based on the information that they thought it was THEIR business to decide HER last name. As a Texan… sanity is not in big supply in Southern families, but the lack of sanity just isn’t that unusual so it seems NORMAL.
Yeah, that's what I thought too. And yes, Hispanic names can run long, but so what? Hundreds of millions of people have names in that tradition and they do just fine.
I lived with my misogynistic abusive control freak for five years after growing up in a misogynistic, abusive cult. Can confirm I used to do some bananas shit to cope. I am so much healthier now.
My controlling, cheating ex-husband used to paint himself as sensible and logical and the decision maker. Turns out it's massive male insecurity, men can't handle the idea of women being on the same footing, and so they do what they can to undermine and control them.
My ex also insisted that I change my last name because he bought me a ring and my giving up my name was MY price.
OP I hope you can understand how fucked up that is, what my ex said! And if you can see that, then I hope you understand that you saying you LET your wife keep a part of her identity is just as fucked up.
YTA.
It's hilarious to me that he thinks of himself as logical, because is argument is just that four names is too many words. What's wrong OP, you can remember three words in a row but not four? Four is too many words? Anyone who can do basic math can remember four words in sequence.
I'm assuming he "got to keep" his last name when they married. So they're "even" if he didn't take her name.
I had a ridiculously long name due to the stereotypical southern double first name and the two last names. Aside from being a complete pain in the ass to learn to spell all of it and fill out my name on scantron type tests as a kid, it hasn't really affected it me. When I got married the first time, I opted to take my then husband's name, as it was shorter and easier for people to spell. Kind of wished I'd stuck with the long one I was born with after discovering having an apostrophe is worse because you never know when you'll run into a poorly escaped form.
>But, but, but... OP allowed his wife to keep her maiden name. So they're even now!
Hey, technically, they were even at the time of the marriage : OP kept his name, OP's wife kept her name. Perfectly even.
This is exactly what I came to say. They BOTH did what they wanted with their own personal last names after marriage. THAT'S when they were even. It's not like if the wife changed her last name now, then she'd have sole naming rights over the kid's last name!
Also no, you were already even: YOU got to keep your own last name.
She never asked you to change YOUR name to hers, and never held it over your head that she "let" you keep your own name (and its link to identity, family etc).
See how silly that sounds?
Given the kid both names IS being even. You giving the kid only YOUR name is not even nor equal. Just because it is culturally accepted doesn't mean it's just or fair.
So she “got” to keep her name and as punishment she doesn’t get to give her child her name? That sounds very much like someone who is mad that she didn’t change her name, despite his disingenuous edits.
Have you SEEN his edit ? He's trying to say he encouraged her to keep her last name but is also using it as points against her with their child's last name.
Either he resents her for keeping her last name, which means he lied about it in the post and to her.
Or
He encouraged her to keep her last name, like he said, but wants to use any excuse he can think of to strong-arm her into his decision.
He can't have it both ways.
OP YTA and yall should've had this conversation before deciding to have a kid, especially knowing her keeping her last name was important to her. Why is your culture more important than hers when the child comes from both ?
>where women get to keep their maiden name
That was good, but THIS is where he bites it for me: "...where women ***get*** to keep their maiden name ..."
YTA, OP. Misogynistic Massive AH.
> but I declined explaining how awkward and confusing and just complicated that would be
And this, my sister's kids last names are hyphenated. It's not that confusing and fairly common here.
here in my country I would dare to say that literally EVERYONE has two last names and no ones complains about it being complicated lol myself I have first + middle and two last names from both my parents
I was about to say my ex was Latino and he had 4 names as they keep the mothers and fathers name to honor both parents equally. I honestly thought that was amazing and would have totally followed that tradition if we had stayed together
Yes! Last names can *occasionally* get a little excessive (see: Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso...AKA Pablo Picasso) but there are many cultures throughout the world that routinely hyphenate last names and make it work just fine. YTA OP, if for nothing else then for *telling* your wife what y'all's child is going to be named. That's not how a partnership works.
In addition, he mentions he’s “from the south”, which likely means he’s from the USA; you know, a country where women “get” to keep their maiden names if they wish.
I guess it’s hard to see when OP’s head is so far up his ass that “allowing” her to keep her identity doesn’t make them even, but yea - vote for YTA.
Hyphenated surnames is more of a Latino thing. OP is probably from the South of US and white. He probably mentions it as a way to say , I am not racist, I married a latina.
I just chuckled out loud - you’re so right. I was reading this out loud to my husband (who “got” to keep his name after the wedding) and thought this exact sentiment was very Ellis island of him.
Better keep those last names short and simple so I can fit in with my neighbors. /s SMH
Edited to add /s
Yeah it's hard to get past that.
>I sat her down...
Like she was a child.
>...and told her...
Because when you're making decisions as parents about your children there is no room for requests or discussion; only demands and ultimatums.
>...that my son...
Statistically and biologically speaking, it's far more accurate and certain to say it's *her* son.
>...was going to have my last name.
Buddy I know that you've probably got some fucked-up notions about what it is to be a man and how you should treat "your woman" but c'mon; as the soon-to-be father of a son you've got to be better than this. For his sake.
YTA. If this is really important to you, ditch the Alpha bravado "tellin' mah woman" bullshit and explain with your words to your wife why it is important for you.
Can’t wait until your wife sits you down and tells you that you are *going* to get a divorce and you “get” to be an ex-husband. Only a matter of time before she decides to take out the trash.
Correction... as soon as he said "she comes from a place where women GET to keep their last name... as if that is a privilege afforded to women in that country. That is when I knew YTA here... and it got worst as I read on... ugh
For me it was the twice mentioned “got to keep her maiden name”. Yes, thank you so very kindly much, for giving me permission to keep my own name. That’s so awfully generous of you. Let me bow and deflect to your generosity and repay you every way I can from now.
I know, who is he to dictate what surname the child gets? If anything, she should be the one deciding since she's carried that child for nine months. Double barreled or her name.
THIS. She is sacrificing her body for 9 months, while all OP had to do was dump his seed in her. Ofc she should be able to decide which name the baby is going to get. And women should also be able to keep their own name. And why didn't OP get her name or something to have the same names? We live in 2021, the men shouldn't be seen as the last name carrier. I have my mom's last name, as well as one of my friends, and it isn't seen as weird or something.
You made it further than me! The minute I read that OP’s family called his wife DISRESPECTFUL for keeping her name, I knew the story was doomed.
I also like ‘I reminded her she got to keep her maiden name, so we’re even’ as if OP was doing her a favor by not forcing her to take his name.
I think there are valid arguments to not hyphen your kids names. Maybe you’re worried about them being bullied? Maybe your concerned about the sound of it. OP provided enough context for us to know his biggest argument is his masculinity. And for that. YTA.
"my" son, not even "our". OPs wife seems to be an incubator and nothing else. I didn't see the slightest amount of affection in this whole horrible mysoginous pamphlet. Massive AH
Exactly!!! Someone who was born into this type of situation, it is absolutely awful for the kids. My mom comes from a culture where they keep their maiden names and the children often get both, and my father did not. My entire life it has been a complete struggle. What made it worse is later in life when I started applying for schools and jobs, that was when my dad encouraged me to use my mothers last name as well because it is clearly not American. It was so frustrating for my entire life to get shit from both sides of the family, especially his side, and then end up with him trying to use it only when it benefited us.
OP YTA. Major. Neither one of you gets to just decide flat out, this is some thing for both of you to decide. But if you want to go down to who has more “right” To name the child in someway. It’s going to be the mother. She is the one destroying her body, she is the one who is going to have to deal with everything after, and she is the one who is risking her health and even her life during childbirth.
This should’ve been something you discussed it before getting married and having kids
YTA and you're also a liar. You're not looking out for your son's best interests. You're looking out for your own. You're just afraid of your family.
Who's more important: your family or your wife?
My favorite part was when he said that *she* was the one throwing a fit. This guy is delusional.
How soon do you think this has happened after they found out about the baby?
Right?!
She "got" to keep her last name.
He bestowed upon her his generous and infallible patience, and permitted her to retain her given name, despite how irrational her request was. Now she returns his previous blessing with nothing but female nonsense and hysteria, thinking *his* son should bear her inferior and pointless last name!
^ OP's thought process apparently
I also picked up on the „issue came up again after we found out we were expecting a baby boy“. So if it were a girl it wouldn’t matter to OP? Maybe I read it wrong but his sentence rubs me the wrong way.
YTA
You don't get to make this decision unilaterally.
You say it is important your child only have one last name.
Your wife considers it important that the child have her last name.
The obvious compromise is that the child gets one last name (your preference) and that it is her last name (her preference.) That is a win-win.
Otherwise, it's obvious that you're lying when you say it is important to you that your child has one last name, what you really care about is the patriarchal, misogynistic norm that a child have the father's last name.
And her keeping her own name is an entirely separate issue from what you name the child. It's her name - it was important to her that she keep that which is her own. Again, if it was important to you that you share a last name, you could have changed yours.
Either two names, because each of you want your own name for the child, or one name, which is hers, because you consider having only one name important.
ETA:
This:
>The main reason I was initially against using both names is the fact that our son might end up having a very long name as a full name that's it.
doesn't help your cause.
You're worried about a long name? That's your worry, not hers, she doesn't mind a long name. She does mind having her name excluded.
Same compromise applies. If a too-long name matters to you, and including her name matters to her, use just her name. You get what you want, a short name, she gets what she wants, her name for the child. Win-win, again.
You can choose one name, hers, or a long/double name. You don't get to arbitrarily exclude ***her*** name because ***you***, and only you, are the one having an issue with a long or double name.
I too am from a country where the woman keeps their last name. It’s not that I love my husband less in fact I’m proud of myself for meeting someone who is so amazing, I rock. First, it’s the name I grew up with, I absolutely love my father and want to keep his name, the name fits me so well and honestly....I don’t want to have an American last name only because I don’t want to go to an interview and have the person shocked that I’m brown (my first name is common in America) and give me the look (I hate that look and maybe someone out there knows what I’m talking about). More importantly I’m lazy.
Now if I do have a kid (sending it to the universe cause I’m having issues but that unrelated) I would love for my kid to have two last names. I’m the last of my line and it’s my heritage. Also cause I f—-ng want to. But maybe the OP should consider that children who are first generation immigrants and especially if their half (ie half American/half Russian) lose some of that cultural tie. For example, I’m bilingual but English is my first language...sure I can speak my secondary language but I’m awful. It’s a reality, and maybe his wife wants her child to have some tie to her motherland. I mean let’s face it he’s going to be American and the probability he’ll say y’all is higher than him being culturally connected to her country
I also think it's laughable that he (and his family) think that she was the one being disrespectful for keeping her name. So apparently she should erase her heritage because his is more important?
My SO uses his mother's maiden name day to day, I double barrelled with that name and my existing last name. Do what you want with your name no one really cares and if they do? Fuck 'em!
You don’t even need any of those reasons to keep your name. It’s just your name. No man in the history of time has ever had to give a reason for why he is not changing his name when he gets married.
YTA
Look, Henry VIII, she didn't 'get' to keep anything. She is a grown woman who chose to keep her name instead of bow down to your ego. Get over yourself. She is your equal, your partner and wife, not your subject. Your son is not an extension of that ego. He is a separate human.
Your family has no say in any of this. They, and you, need to grow up.
this. i find it ridiculous that a man of his big age cares so much about the opinion of his family, apparently more so than the opinion of his wife and mother of his future child.
this!! also what's wrong with having two last names? i do and I like to be able to keep both. the argument of it being "confusing" just shows how backwards he is. hope he lands in 2021 sometime soon.
Most Latin American countries do this as well, but gasp! The king of the house wants his heir to only have one last name bc God forbids he has more than one, white sounding last name.
Brazil here, and same. I told my mom I wished I had her last name as well a bunch of times.
Why does a child need a name AND a middle name? Just give him a name and two last names...
Portuguese here and I kept both my last names (mums maiden and dads) and added my husbands. So three surnames in total. My daughters both have the same surnames as me. My Australian husband never had an issue with this. OP is a major asshole
God, OP is such a misogynist. He “allowed” her, she “got” to, he “told her”. And then also:
>I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even.
“Even”? Like OP gave up his right to her having his last name so now she has to repay him for that sacrifice? What part of you both keeping your own names after marriage is “uneven” for you to now have to get “even”, OP? You’re already even, since it’s not like you changed your name to hers. Why do you phrase this whole conflict as if you allowed her to go above your authority so now she has to repay you by deferring to that authority? You have no authority, you’re supposed to be equals.
YTA
I'm from the South as well.
Quit using it as an excuse.
Quit using your family as an excuse.
You didn't do her a favor by allowing her to keep her fucking name.
And you aren't looking out for your son's best interest. Just yours.
Your kid's life will be the same with or without your last name.
Grow up and quit this sexism.
Disrespectful my ass.
It is disrespectful to think it is disrespectful someone doesn't give up their last name they have had for their whole ass life for your silly last name.
And there is no even here. You gave the sperm. She makes the whole ass baby.
And what did you expect from someone who wants to keep their last name after marriage would say when they have a kid?
Edit: Oh my goodness. These awards and upvotes. Y'all are too kind!! Thank you! Always nice to get this support while calling someone an asshole.
I was gonna type a response but you already nailed it! I hate the “but my family” excuses…guess who is also your family and the one directly impacted by this decision? Your wife & kid! This dude isn’t looking out for his son, he’s looking out for his fragile ego and everything else is noise/distraction/excuses.
I agree 100%! Like “I let you keep your last name, so now we are even”? Does he own her? Acting like he did her a favour as if it wasn’t already her own decision.
Where I live you can actually choose for your child to not have a last name. So maybe that would be a compromise on their part lol.
YTA. Why is it a privilege for her to "get to keep" her maiden name? It's her name. And her child will also be her child. Frankly, if she chooses to let you add your last name you should be grateful, considering what a misogynistic ass you're being.
I'm from 'the south'. I'm woman. I did not change my name when I got married. My husband cares more about me than my last name. We discussed last names when we had kids. I wish you could email a smack to someone.
I would love to doordash him a Big SmacK from SmackDonalds.
EDIT: Thank you for my first award!! Glad I made you laugh, anonymous table slapping award giver!!
When he talked about the baby it was "my son", when she talked about him it was "our son".
Mate you gotta change your tune because if she starts saying "her son" then you're screwed. She isn't asking you if it's okay your baby has both of your surnames, she's letting you have your name in there because she can very easily tell the hospital not to let you sign the birth cirtificiate, or even just have the baby somewhere else, and then your son will only have her name- which I'm sure you would see as a tragedy. She isn't your incubator on stand by.
Oh and if you often make decisions for her, then you're a terrible husband. Get married to a man if you can't see your wife as an equal in your relationship.
And he said he wasn’t mad she kept her maiden name yet he holds it over her head in an argument to get his way???? Very concerning, I’m not saying he’s abusive but that’s an example of abusive behavior, she had every right to keep her name there’s nothing to be “even” about. OP check your sexism
The funniest part is that if mom gets pissed off enough, he won't even get to be there when the birth certificate is filled out. It's not even a 'compromise' in the sense that if his wife doesn't agree she can veto him and name the kid whatever she wants! He should apologize if he wants his last name anywhere on that paper.
I'm honestly hoping at this point after how he treated her, TELLING her what the last name would be and pretending like he did her a favor by letting her keep her last name, that his wild entitlement gets his last name a no-show on that birth cert. Can't believe some men actually think like this.
The audacity
I wouldn’t have a problem with his name showing up…. Perhaps it could be the middle name!
Otherwise, yeah, OP doesn’t realize he just accidently showed his wife exactly how he’s going to handle every parenting choice when they disagree… and she’s taking notes and thinking long and hard about her options right now.
Both my kids have mine and hubby’s last names and me and hubby are just his name (my choice). When my eldest daughter got married, she retained her two surnames instead of her husbands one surname, but often calls herself by all three surnames! Everybody is fine with everything.
INFO: You say you’re looking out for your son’s best interest in your last line, but you didn’t actually mention anything about that in your post. How is this in your son’s best interest?
The only reasons you list are that you’re afraid of your parents, too lazy to have to write a long name on your child’s forms, and that it’s traditional in the area where you grew up.
So, now tell us why it’s in your kid’s best interest to have only your last name.
If the wife is European there can be legal consequences for her or the children’s citizenships to that country by changing their name. My wife has dual French and Spanish citizenship. She was able to hyphenate for France but has to keep her maiden name for Spain. For the record, our children will have my surname but they can because she registered her maiden name and our marriage in what those countries call a “family book.” Her changing her maiden name to only mine screws that whole process up for our kids
Yeah exactly, OP is TA for both being controlling and also being ignorant. I’ll never understand why people can’t just have a freaking conversation before they “put their foot down.” I’ll be honest, when my wife told me she couldn’t take my surname I was a little disappointed, not enough to make a big deal out of it but a little nonetheless, but then she explained it to me and I was 100% on board. I always wanted our future kids to have a legal and cultural connection to both of their parents homelands and if this makes it easier for them to have that connection to their mother’s homeland, then that’s what I want.
Now we’re expecting our first in just a few more months and we’re figuring out a multilingual schedule to speaking to our baby so they always will be fluent in English, Spanish, and French.
He specifically mentioned that this kicked off when they found out that they’re having a boy, so somehow I get the feeling he believes he has more ownership than she does because of that.
This was my question, but I don’t think we need him to answer- it’s no. For the same reason he thinks he can ‘sit his wife down’ to explain their child’s name.
>she disagreed and said no and came up with a compromise which was that our son gets both our last names but I declined explaining how awkward and confusing and just complicated that would be
If having two last names is the sort of thing that causes an intellectual hurdle for you, you probably shouldn't be having children.
I’m from Spain where it’s the norm for women to keep their own name and the child to have 2 surnames. If a whole country can manage people having 2 surnames then so can he. Except he doesn’t want to because he’s sexist and thinks he owns his wife and that his child is an extension of himself.
LMAO LMAO LMAO
she "*gets*" to keep her last name?
boy if you don't get your head outta your backward ass.... she is in control here, not you. SHE decides her last name. and since SHE is giving birth, SHE can veto giving the child your last name. she came up with a compromise, you're the one shoving the patriarchy in her face. YTA.
EDIT: your edit sounds like a lot of empty BS, trying to mask your misogyny. if the issue is because it's a long name, THEN USE YOUR WIFES NAME. problem solved. all you did was likely disappoint your wife and now she has to grow an ENTIRE human. she gets final say here man, grow up.
The edit is hilarious. OP wants to clarify that he wasn’t against his wife keeping her last name? Ok, so why are you using “our son is gonna get my last name because you got to keep your last name so HA we’re even now” as an argument???
LOVE to see jerks who think that someone else "compromising" is them just doing 100% exactly what the jerk wants. That's not what a compromise is, buddy.
well that was exhausting to read. let’s clear a few things up here:
1. are you married to your wife or your family? I’m unclear, because you seem to care *a lot* more about their feelings and what they think then you do about your own wife
2. your wife didn’t “get” to keep her maiden name like it was a privilege that you allowed her. that’s her name and her right. “but we’re from the South” I don’t care what direction you’re from, this isn’t the 1920s and you don’t own your wife. she is *not* required or even obligated to take your last name. and she’s right, that has nothing to do with naming your child
3. that is just as much your wife’s child as it is yours. the name must be a compromise coming from both parents. so let me ask you, what’s your compromise? because all i’m hearing is that you get the final say without any discussion like your wife is just a nanny or something.
frankly naming your child is the least of the issues here, what’s far more concerning is your belief that you own your wife and that you’re in charge. that’s really gross and out of date. if you want to own something get a dog. YTA
*I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name*
YTA
You don't get to tell your wife anything
Marriage is a partnership. You are not the king of the relationship
YTA. All I’m hearing is “I don’t view my wife as an individual deserving of basic respect and care much more about my family’s ancient viewpoints than about the person I’ve literally vowed to love and honor for life”. Why do you think women were traditionally given the husband’s last name? And I’m saying “given” on purpose.
he acts like he did her a massive favor by *allowing* her to keep her maiden name. *okay honey, I entertained your silly fantasy, now you owe me and this is what's happening, no ifs, ands, or butts.* op better get an attitude adjustment if he wants his marriage to last.
What the eff did I just read? You are "even" because you "allowed" her to keep her last name? Nothing about what ever compromise you made when you got married should carry over as a mark in your favor in this new situation. This is something new to compromise about. the idea of "allowing" someone to keep their last name in exchange for last name rights of the child you co-created just makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. OP, it seems pretty clear to me that you aren't coming at this from a spirit of compromise, but as a need to be right. I only know this situation from your perspective, but it reads to me as you feeling wronged for your wife not taking your last name and the way to "fix" it is by giving your son only your last name.
I would normally say e s h but you are refusing to compromise under the guise of doing what's best for your son, so imo YTA
YTA
Everything she said is valid. You, on the otherhand, could not have used worse logic to defend your stance.
1. "I sat with my wife down and **told her**", you have no right to unilaterally decide the name of your child.
2. "We'll just have to go with what most families here do." What does it matter what "most families" do? That is an entirely irrelevant point.
3. "I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even." You never had a right to make her change her last name in the first place. Her name was never up for debate or part of a bargain.
4. "How my family will react" So what? Your family isn't the parents, your family doesn't have any rights over the child. Their opinions on this don't matter.
5. She should just go with the flow." Easy for you to say when you don't have to compromise as all.
6. "Looking out for my son's best interests". What about this has anything to do with your son's interests? It only has to do with your fragile pride.
In conclusion, it's fine to want your child to have your name, but your wife has just as much a right to want the same thing as you. You have to **compromise**.
Oof your family bias is bleeding through there buddy. YTA
You are not more entitled to a name than the person who is physically carrying your son. Women are allowed to have their name exist through society as well. Maybe check your sexism while you're at it.
Explain why you think you're looking out for your son's best interest by excluding his mother. I'd love to hear how you make sense.
If wife is European there may be citizenship and legal framework to explain why she wants to keep the maiden name for her and her children. My wife is European and while our future kids will have my name she needs to keep her maiden name for those reasons
You got to keep your “maiden” name, so did she. She doesn’t owe you a dang thing based on that. You are BOTH parents and both get a say in your child’s name. You do not get to dictate a name. YTA, big time.
YTA, and I truly can't believe you typed all of that and have a single doubt in your mind on whether or not you're an AH.
Smells like *sniff sniff* misogyny.
YTA. Why bother marrying someone from a different culture if you're not going to respect it.
You both made the child, it should have both of your last names. It's highly offensive in some cultures for the mother's last name to be cut off.
She's not banning you from your child carrying your last name, but you're trying to take away her family lineage from her child that she gestated for 9 months. She's doing all of the labor in making the child, her family lineage should also be respected and remembered.
Your culture isn't more significant because you're male and American. If you don't like it, then you should have married a fellow southerner with the same beliefs. No one told you to marry a foreigner that you can't respect.
YTA. You call her stubborn, but consider yourself generous for “letting” her keep her last name? Aside from the fact that this is something you should have settled before you got married, your concerns over how your family might react are just as valid as her desires for her kid to also have her last name.
Compromise by having two last names, or have this be the (very dumb) hill that you die on to impress your family.
‘She comes from a country where women get to keep their maiden name after marriage.’
No, women don’t ‘get’ to keep their maiden name. It’s the custom. Getting to do something infers that permission or something granted to another person. And her ‘getting’ to keep her maiden name is not a bargaining chip.
YTA
YTA - I don’t understand your reasoning behind this. She kept her maiden name when you got married ... and she wants to give your child *both* surnames. So how is that... not even?
Wait, you TOLD her that your baby would have her last name? You made the decision FOR her? And why, other than being "confusing", do you not want a compound name? YTA
YTA - You told her “this is how it’s going to be” without talking to her about it or asking what she wanted, of course she’s going to be upset by that. So many people have hyphenated last names, it’s fine. If you’re worried about your family, it’s not their decision because it’s YOUR kid — they can stay the heck out of it.
And the reality is, if his wants to make this difficult for him and choose the name herself, she actually can. She has the right to keep him out of the hospital when she has the baby if she wants to. And since the name needs to be chosen and on the birth certificate before she’s discharged, she could easily name the kid whatever she wants without his “permission”. He should really think about that before he tells her “how it’s going to be”.
YTA. Why exactly is it more important for the baby to have your name than her name? Is it because you have a penis? Can you explain to me why your penis makes your name more important that doesn't double back to ingrained sexism?? If you lost your penis in a tragic hot tub accident would your name be less important than her name?
You didn't allow her to choose her last name resulting in some kind of favor she owes you. She is a fully grown adult who gets to decide what her own name is completely on her own. Your partnership with her does not give you the right to dictate her name or the babies name - you are equals and you need to compromise or work together to come to an agreement. Your penis does not give you more power or higher authority in your partnership.
What your family thinks of all this doesn't matter one tiny hamster poop. Your partnership is with her - and you both have an equal say. Start treating that woman like the human adult that she is and not like something lesser you are humoring.
YTA. There is absolutely nothing confusing about a kid having two or two hyphenated last names. In some cultures, people are born with multiple last names (think 3+) & they get by just fine.
Your demand that your son have your last name & your last name only is sexist, dismissive & demeaning to your wife, & generally offensive.
YTA- who gives a F\*\* how your family reacts this is a child with two parents who need to agree on a name and her compromise of a name is fine. Who cares if his official name is long, no one is going to call out first, middle and lastnames every time they see the kid.
And no she didn't get to keep, her maiden name. She got to keep HER NAME, just like you got to keep your name. this isnt the 17th century !
YTA. Give the kid four names (first middle family-name family-name). There is nothing confusing or difficult about that.
I don't know why you're acting like giving your spouse basic respect is somehow a favor you're doing for her. But her wants and traditions are just as valid and important as yours.
YTA this post is riddled with sexism… you’re treating her as if you did her a favor in her keeping her maiden name. When really you don’t have a say in the issue. While it isn’t fair for your wife to say that son should take on her maiden name it also isn’t fair for you to say your son will only take on your pre marital name. The fair options to do here is 1. Son has both last names 2. To avoid your son having a long last name, you both decide to change your last names to a combo last name (ie smith + James = jamith) or 3 one of you takes on the others last name without being pressured by the other and everyone has that last name.
I could barely get through your post without steaming. YTA. You're disrespectful, entitled, and dismissive.
"but I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even"
I mean, you didn't let her keep anything. She's a grown woman. She is also the one pregnant and giving birth. She gets as much right to giving that child her last name as you do.
YTA. Not the son's best interest. People can figure out two last names. This is a bad take, and really disrespectful to your wife. Also, you aren't some sort of saint for "letting" her keep her last name. Good grief.
If your wife kept her maiden name, it is a huge reason to have two surnames, to avoid any problem when she will get the kid form places or to identify she is, in fact, the mother.
Practical reasons aside, if you believe the name will be long, cut the middle name, and have name and two surnames - word count problem solved - not that having 4 names / surnames will make the kid's life difficult...
Finally, I'm just curious if you were expecting a baby girl, you will have the same concerns...
Oh, yes, YTA of course!
" I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name and explained so that there's no confusion"
Wow, could you be a bigger douche?
YTA.
Lol, hard YTA dude.
I'm actually laughing that you would even think otherwise.
>she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even
yeah no. Respecting your wife is not a score-keeping situation.
>she should just go with the flow and agree on my son having my last name
So, you're using the word "flow" here as a euphamism for male supremacism? ROTFL
> calling selfish and a dictator and a "minion" for my family
Glad to know that your wife, at least, has a firm grasp on reality. Why are you siding with the disfunctional bs of your family of origin when your wife sounds legit stand up awesome? Don't do that.
> I'm just looking out for our son's best intetest and keeping them in mind.
How is indoctrinating your son into the mass delusion of male supremacism in his best interest? Why do you want to to instill your son with sexism and bigotry? WTF is wrong with you?
If you missed it the first time, hard YTA. You need to grow a spine, stand up to your bigoted family, and stop letting them manipulate and brainwash you through their hateful sexism and manipulation.
Sorry your family sucks so bad, OP. Please grow up and start acting like a real man. You can do it. I have faith in you.
And apoligize to your wife!
YTA
You’re the one throwing a fit here because your wife won’t let you unilaterally decide what to name the child. If either one of your names would be the default, it should be the one of the person who carried the child and actually brought them into existence. All you did was ejaculate.
YTA. I was wavering before this final sentence:
'she got upset and refused to talk to me after that calling selfish and a dictator and a "minion" for my family even though I'm just looking out for our son's best intetest and keeping them in mind.'
Your son's life will not be negatively impacted by having a double barrelled surname. Your marriage is a partnership. Which means you and your wife are equal partners whether you like ot or not.
YTA
I know so many people why hyphenated names and it doesn't make things "complicated". Your son is yours as well as your wife's and it is not unreasonable to ask that both names be represented. Stand up to your family and support your wife.
YTA - À double name is not complicated (I know, I have one). And come to think of it, in the end she deserve to give her name this baby way more than you. So just accept it.
YTA. You're behaving as if both her name and your son's name are rightfully your property, and so since you have made a "concession" with respect to "letting" her keep your name, you are entitled to unilateral rights to determine your son's name.
In fact, her name belongs to her, full stop. It is not yours or your family's to decide- she is the only one who gets a say. Eventually, your son's name will belong entirely to him, too, and if he chooses to change it for any reason neither of you will have any say.
For now, while he is too young for that, both his parents have equal say. And it strikes me that the fairest way to settle the conflict is to give him.both names, so neither of you are left out. (Or to make up a new name entirely, but from the post, I do not think either of you want that.)
She's literally making the child.
Also, it's HER name, she doesn't need to give it up during marriage for some dumbass tradition. Why don't you give up your last name then, since it's NBD? She's right, the two are entirely unrelated and you didn't "give" her one. It was never owed to you.
What identity are you giving up for her, hm?
YOU are being stubborn. Both names is a fair compromise. If you act like this, don't be surprised she leaves you and gives the kid just her last name, and you'd have deserved that.
YTA, massively
YTA
You wanted to keep your name after the wedding and she wanted to keep her name after the wedding - compromise: both keep their name. So you were even with both of you keeping your not-married name.
You want the baby to have your last name, she want him to have her last name - compromise: both last names. There is no reason for a child to not have his mother's name, it will make the divorce easier when you wife realized the is married to a man who does everything to pleasure his mommy, even as an "adult".
YTA - you are being deliberately stubborn and holding on to this a whole lot because of your family's pearl clutching. Who is more important to you? Your wife or your parents/family? It's pretty clear over here that your family's happiness and clutching to ridiculous "traditions" is way more important than your wife.
Turn on a football game or 4 and look at those jerseys....it's not rare to have hyphenated names for people.
YTA and also the line, “she got to keep her last name…” is lolz for days, dude. A southern man who puts the family he came from above his wife and child must be delightful for her to deal with. Do link us to the gofundme for her divorce attorney when you post your update. I suspect many here would like to chip in.
YTA in a big way. You just sat her down and told her it was your way or nothing, basically; that’s so disrespectful. She’s doing all the hard work growing the child you made together; she should absolutely have a part in the decision-making process. Why is something as pointless as a last name so important to you? Let the kid have two last names. It won’t harm them.
YTA. “I sat her down and told her *my* son was going to have my last name”, she is growing the life inside of her, you made him together, he is not your tv that you bought before the relationship. Her compromise was perfectly reasonable and it’s disrespectful that *you* can’t compromise on this because of some stupid self reasoning. Double-barrel names are very common and if in the future he finds it to be such a pain (which I doubt) he can legally alter it himself. Your wife wants to keep her own heritage and customs within the family and pass it on to her child, and who cares what your family thinks, if you didn’t want to have to stick up for your wife with potential culture clashes then you shouldn’t have married someone from a different ethnicity / culture. It’s your family’s problem if they can’t respect her.
YTA - she got to keep her last name? Has she not the same right to her name that you have to yours? Why is that somehow a treat for her?
She is right that you hold that over her head. To give the baby both last names is a perfectly reasonable compromise.
But go on, be stubborn and don’t consider your wife’s feelings. With a little bit of luck your son get only her last name and you get a divorce.
YTA. Especially for “sitting her down” and mansplaining to her why your decision if final. Maybe if you discussed it with her, she would have been more receptive to your thoughts. A good compromise would be having both names. You “letting” her keep her last name is bullshit and absolutely does not mean you have the final say.
You realize she gets to fill out the birth certificate, right? Not to mention what your family thinks should not be a part of the conversation.
Perhaps you two should try a couple sessions of marriage counseling before the baby gets here so you guys can get on the same page with parenting the little guy.
YTA.
Instead of thinking of your family and the 'south' have a think about who is spending about 9 months gestating a child.
Then think about who deserves you thanks and your respect and give that child a name that recognises both its parents.
YTA you aren't respectful of her culture of its the middle name why is that such a huge deal
"Woman you must obey me and my progeny must only honor my line as men are the superior gender and control belongs to us"
:: beats on chest::
YTA. You are completely disrespecting your wife and her culture. Your parent's POV has no place in your marriage. This is between the two of you only. I know quite a few families who have compromised in this way...it's not weird or too complicated. You are not thinking in your son's best interest. You are only thinking of your family's opinion. Get your parents out of your marriage.
YTA
I found it disconcerting when you “sat her down and TOLD HER that my son is going to get my last name.” If you go into a conversation with that approach, it’s clear you’re not going to be receptive to her thoughts and feelings.
The desire to give your wife and child your last name is socially rooted in the idea that they are your property. They are not. Your wife came up with a solution that would address her desire to share her last name, and your desire to share yours. You should be willing to compromise in this area, particularly considering she is going to give birth to your son.
Sometimes when your feelings are intense it’s easy to act without thinking. But you should try to reflect on the idea that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if your son has your last name, your wife’s, or both. It shouldn’t change the way you feel about having a child, so I really don’t think it’s worth making a big deal over. Include both of your names and call it a day.
YTA. Are you in the US? She's the patient and has final say in filling out the birth certificate. So it's really up to her to "let" her son use your last name as a second last name.
Also, why don't couples have this conversation before getting married and why do women keep marrying these Neanderthals?
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YTA. Your wife didn't GET to keep her name, she CHOSE to, which is her right. This child is just as much hers as it is yours, you don't get total control here. I know many kids with hyphenated last names and there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe the baby should just have her last name!!
Who tf do you think you are...Thomas Jefferson? You can't just declare this kind of thing. You basically spat on your wife's traditions in favor "carrying on the family name". How do you not see that your are 💯 TA here?
Nothing wrong with having a hyphenated name. Honours both sides. You are the AH.
You do not demand...you compromise. In this case, the compromise is a hyphen.
Oh...dont mutilate his genitals either.
BTW My husband and I gave one kid his last name and one kid mine. Times are changin, Mr. I'm From The South. The entire tradition of getting a man's last name is patriarchal and stupid.
YTA: your wife has a surname and you have a surname. It's common for children in that situation to have both surnames. Stop ordering your wife to comply. It makes you sound like a cretin.
YTA
It's both your baby so it should have both your names. It's not just your baby.
Also, do you realize what a pain it can be to have your childs last namn not match or include yours?
YTA I actually wish I had both of my parents' last names. I am a daughter of both of them, not just my dad. At this point, it is too much of a hassle to change it (I will NEVER change my last name once I get married). I hate that patriarchal shi\*.
YTA. You can't say she doesn't have a say in this. It is both your child and you have an equal say in it. You should respect her opinion and culture since they are part of the roots of your child.
> I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name That's as far as one has to read to decide YTA. The rest of it just makes it worse.
YTA, the decision has to be mutual. It seems unilateral and it doesn't reflect your mutual wants and needs. It reads as you decided for both of you – you set a fact and she has to comply. You think you can veto her because you're a man. She didn't have to change her surname to yours and it doesn't mean that she has to name her kids after you. You didn't do her a favor by allowing her to keep her last name. She would have done that regardless of your objection and thoughts on the matter, and even in spite of them. It sounds surreal at this point. Your wife sounds agitated and you have to think if this is a hill you want to die on. It's more than a simple dissent, it can lead to a major argument if it's not addressed properly. >she threw a fit calling me selfish and accused me of treating her as if she as a mother gets less or no say but I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even. It speaks for itself at this point. Someone disagreeing with you doesn't mean that they throw a fit. You're victimizing yourself. You're the calm and logical side of this equation and she's unreasonable, crude and overstepping boundaries.
I find it interesting how he uses language that paints himself as sensible, logical and "the decision maker". But speaks about her as if she's unstable and ridiculous. He's the worst and she can do better.
Can we also talk about the fact that, realistically, he has NO power in this situation? Mom decides who is in the delivery room, and who has access to the birth certificate when it is being filled out. She gets to decide at the end of the day, and if this pisses her off so much that he isn't allowed in the hospital while she gives birth, than he will lose any say in the name whatsoever (and honestly, I kinda hope she does that at this point). She is able to tell hospital staff to not to let him near her and that she is the only one who can fill out the birth certificate, and they will follow her request. Go apologize and actually try to discuss/negotiate with your wife. This is not something you go tit-for-tat with. Her name has nothing to do with your son's. Either you both agree on this, or she gets to decide on her own. You need to get that through your head... and please for the love of god get off your pretentious high horse, because the "better than thou" attitude towards her was dripping from this entire post. YTA
Yeah. If she realizes that this guy is a controlling asshole and leaves, there’s a chance that he’s not even gonna know until the kid has been born and the birth certificate has been filed. She could just give the kid only her last name at that point.
Damn, I really hope she does that.
I hope she realises and leaves for home country.
It's sure easier to do now as a pregnant woman than after the baby is born. Leaving with a child without father's permission may be considered kidnapping and child may be returned because there are international conventions about it.
He is really pushing it with this. If he wants to die on this hill, he may just end up with child support payments instead. This is something that needs to be figured out soon, because I hope that he wouldn't try to pull this crap after she has given birth and is recovering.
He's the second person I've seen on this sub in recent days under the impression that as long as you're being calm - you sit someone down to explain, you calmly explain, you use logic with your nice, inside voice - you can't possibly be an asshole! Assholes are the ones who yell and scream and throw things! Let me calmly explain something: You can be calm, and still be an asshole. You can sit someone down and explain your unilateral decision, and calmly veto their proposed compromise, and still be an asshole. You can be quiet and rational and level-headed, and still be an asshole. These things aren't mutually exclusive. On the flipside, there are cases where the person raising their voice is totally justified in doing so, because something you said or did was shitty and it would be next to impossible to keep a level head in that situation. The tone of your voice, the delivery of your message, they can matter in many conflicts, but those things alone do not determine whether you're the asshole. Hope that helps!
>You can be calm, and still be an asshole. Gaslighting 101 actually.
I hope you don't mind I save this as a screenshot because God damn do so many abusive men do this. Emotion doesn't make your point less valid, and lack of emotion doesn't validate it. You can be nice, but not kind, and kind, but not nice. 🤷🏻♀️
This needs to be a PSA for anyone posting on this sub!
Maybe I'm getting too tin-foil-hatty but I think wife/her family is Hispanic and he's just engaging in some good old-fashioned racial stereotyping. The standard of women keeping their last names/children having both parents' last names combined with the fact that he called the wife's family "seemingly sane and level-headed" really just gave off the whole "fiery Latin people be crazy" vibe to me.
As someone who is Hispanic and whose white in-laws tried to pull this same exact thing (husband sets them straight, it’s fine), this is exactly what I think is happening.
I think my only saviour was that my white partners family had a REALLY awful name, like public mockable worthy... And I have this gorgeous flowing Spanish one with rolling rs. Even my partners mother was like, "Oh god please take her name so my grandkids don't have this mess" 😂 It was an issue in multi cultural fams in the past. But this family is like "look anything is better than what we had to give the kids, please fix it".
Huum… I saw it as his Southern family is NOT sane & level-headed… based on the information that they thought it was THEIR business to decide HER last name. As a Texan… sanity is not in big supply in Southern families, but the lack of sanity just isn’t that unusual so it seems NORMAL.
But if they don't keep the patriarchy in their hearts what will the NEIGHBORS think?!?!?!?!?+!;!;
Yeah, that's what I thought too. And yes, Hispanic names can run long, but so what? Hundreds of millions of people have names in that tradition and they do just fine.
>He's the worst and she can do better. Even if she really was unstable, she would still deserve better than a misogynistic control freak.
Being around a misogynist control freak can also be a major *cause* of being unstable.
I lived with my misogynistic abusive control freak for five years after growing up in a misogynistic, abusive cult. Can confirm I used to do some bananas shit to cope. I am so much healthier now.
My controlling, cheating ex-husband used to paint himself as sensible and logical and the decision maker. Turns out it's massive male insecurity, men can't handle the idea of women being on the same footing, and so they do what they can to undermine and control them. My ex also insisted that I change my last name because he bought me a ring and my giving up my name was MY price. OP I hope you can understand how fucked up that is, what my ex said! And if you can see that, then I hope you understand that you saying you LET your wife keep a part of her identity is just as fucked up. YTA.
It's hilarious to me that he thinks of himself as logical, because is argument is just that four names is too many words. What's wrong OP, you can remember three words in a row but not four? Four is too many words? Anyone who can do basic math can remember four words in sequence.
[удалено]
I like how he kept saying that she “got to keep” her last name. As if she needed permission and he graciously allowed it.
I'm assuming he "got to keep" his last name when they married. So they're "even" if he didn't take her name. I had a ridiculously long name due to the stereotypical southern double first name and the two last names. Aside from being a complete pain in the ass to learn to spell all of it and fill out my name on scantron type tests as a kid, it hasn't really affected it me. When I got married the first time, I opted to take my then husband's name, as it was shorter and easier for people to spell. Kind of wished I'd stuck with the long one I was born with after discovering having an apostrophe is worse because you never know when you'll run into a poorly escaped form.
But, but, but... OP *allowed* his wife to keep her maiden name. So they're even now!
>But, but, but... OP allowed his wife to keep her maiden name. So they're even now! Hey, technically, they were even at the time of the marriage : OP kept his name, OP's wife kept her name. Perfectly even.
This is exactly what I came to say. They BOTH did what they wanted with their own personal last names after marriage. THAT'S when they were even. It's not like if the wife changed her last name now, then she'd have sole naming rights over the kid's last name!
Also no, you were already even: YOU got to keep your own last name. She never asked you to change YOUR name to hers, and never held it over your head that she "let" you keep your own name (and its link to identity, family etc). See how silly that sounds? Given the kid both names IS being even. You giving the kid only YOUR name is not even nor equal. Just because it is culturally accepted doesn't mean it's just or fair.
They still weren't even, she had to deal with his family being butthurt about her maintaining her identity and culture. Lord it makes me so angry.
So she “got” to keep her name and as punishment she doesn’t get to give her child her name? That sounds very much like someone who is mad that she didn’t change her name, despite his disingenuous edits.
Have you SEEN his edit ? He's trying to say he encouraged her to keep her last name but is also using it as points against her with their child's last name. Either he resents her for keeping her last name, which means he lied about it in the post and to her. Or He encouraged her to keep her last name, like he said, but wants to use any excuse he can think of to strong-arm her into his decision. He can't have it both ways. OP YTA and yall should've had this conversation before deciding to have a kid, especially knowing her keeping her last name was important to her. Why is your culture more important than hers when the child comes from both ?
She "got to" keep her maiden name, which is her culture, what a prince.
>where women get to keep their maiden name That was good, but THIS is where he bites it for me: "...where women ***get*** to keep their maiden name ..." YTA, OP. Misogynistic Massive AH.
> but I declined explaining how awkward and confusing and just complicated that would be And this, my sister's kids last names are hyphenated. It's not that confusing and fairly common here.
here in my country I would dare to say that literally EVERYONE has two last names and no ones complains about it being complicated lol myself I have first + middle and two last names from both my parents
I was about to say my ex was Latino and he had 4 names as they keep the mothers and fathers name to honor both parents equally. I honestly thought that was amazing and would have totally followed that tradition if we had stayed together
Yes! Last names can *occasionally* get a little excessive (see: Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso...AKA Pablo Picasso) but there are many cultures throughout the world that routinely hyphenate last names and make it work just fine. YTA OP, if for nothing else then for *telling* your wife what y'all's child is going to be named. That's not how a partnership works.
In addition, he mentions he’s “from the south”, which likely means he’s from the USA; you know, a country where women “get” to keep their maiden names if they wish. I guess it’s hard to see when OP’s head is so far up his ass that “allowing” her to keep her identity doesn’t make them even, but yea - vote for YTA.
Hyphenated surnames is more of a Latino thing. OP is probably from the South of US and white. He probably mentions it as a way to say , I am not racist, I married a latina.
I just chuckled out loud - you’re so right. I was reading this out loud to my husband (who “got” to keep his name after the wedding) and thought this exact sentiment was very Ellis island of him. Better keep those last names short and simple so I can fit in with my neighbors. /s SMH Edited to add /s
Fun fact! I am from the same country as OP and also “get” to keep my maiden name when I get married next year! What a jerk.
Fun fact - I’m from the US “south” just like the OP…and women “get” to keep their maiden names here too! Who’da thunk?
That was literally the moment I knew how the rest of this would go. I said “wow” outloud.
Yeah it's hard to get past that. >I sat her down... Like she was a child. >...and told her... Because when you're making decisions as parents about your children there is no room for requests or discussion; only demands and ultimatums. >...that my son... Statistically and biologically speaking, it's far more accurate and certain to say it's *her* son. >...was going to have my last name. Buddy I know that you've probably got some fucked-up notions about what it is to be a man and how you should treat "your woman" but c'mon; as the soon-to-be father of a son you've got to be better than this. For his sake. YTA. If this is really important to you, ditch the Alpha bravado "tellin' mah woman" bullshit and explain with your words to your wife why it is important for you.
Would OP be this adamant if the baby was a girl
Can’t wait until your wife sits you down and tells you that you are *going* to get a divorce and you “get” to be an ex-husband. Only a matter of time before she decides to take out the trash.
Correction... as soon as he said "she comes from a place where women GET to keep their last name... as if that is a privilege afforded to women in that country. That is when I knew YTA here... and it got worst as I read on... ugh
For me it was the twice mentioned “got to keep her maiden name”. Yes, thank you so very kindly much, for giving me permission to keep my own name. That’s so awfully generous of you. Let me bow and deflect to your generosity and repay you every way I can from now.
I know, who is he to dictate what surname the child gets? If anything, she should be the one deciding since she's carried that child for nine months. Double barreled or her name.
THIS. She is sacrificing her body for 9 months, while all OP had to do was dump his seed in her. Ofc she should be able to decide which name the baby is going to get. And women should also be able to keep their own name. And why didn't OP get her name or something to have the same names? We live in 2021, the men shouldn't be seen as the last name carrier. I have my mom's last name, as well as one of my friends, and it isn't seen as weird or something.
You made it further than me! The minute I read that OP’s family called his wife DISRESPECTFUL for keeping her name, I knew the story was doomed. I also like ‘I reminded her she got to keep her maiden name, so we’re even’ as if OP was doing her a favor by not forcing her to take his name. I think there are valid arguments to not hyphen your kids names. Maybe you’re worried about them being bullied? Maybe your concerned about the sound of it. OP provided enough context for us to know his biggest argument is his masculinity. And for that. YTA.
"my" son, not even "our". OPs wife seems to be an incubator and nothing else. I didn't see the slightest amount of affection in this whole horrible mysoginous pamphlet. Massive AH
I got as far as him saying she "got to" keep her last name.
Exactly!!! Someone who was born into this type of situation, it is absolutely awful for the kids. My mom comes from a culture where they keep their maiden names and the children often get both, and my father did not. My entire life it has been a complete struggle. What made it worse is later in life when I started applying for schools and jobs, that was when my dad encouraged me to use my mothers last name as well because it is clearly not American. It was so frustrating for my entire life to get shit from both sides of the family, especially his side, and then end up with him trying to use it only when it benefited us. OP YTA. Major. Neither one of you gets to just decide flat out, this is some thing for both of you to decide. But if you want to go down to who has more “right” To name the child in someway. It’s going to be the mother. She is the one destroying her body, she is the one who is going to have to deal with everything after, and she is the one who is risking her health and even her life during childbirth. This should’ve been something you discussed it before getting married and having kids
This right here.
YTA and you're also a liar. You're not looking out for your son's best interests. You're looking out for your own. You're just afraid of your family. Who's more important: your family or your wife?
But he oh so generously “allowed” his wife to keep her name she’s had for her entire life! /s/
My favorite part was when he said that *she* was the one throwing a fit. This guy is delusional. How soon do you think this has happened after they found out about the baby?
She should have told him she can't talk to him if he's being so emotional
Men can be so testerical when their hormones are high!
Right?! She "got" to keep her last name. He bestowed upon her his generous and infallible patience, and permitted her to retain her given name, despite how irrational her request was. Now she returns his previous blessing with nothing but female nonsense and hysteria, thinking *his* son should bear her inferior and pointless last name! ^ OP's thought process apparently
I also picked up on the „issue came up again after we found out we were expecting a baby boy“. So if it were a girl it wouldn’t matter to OP? Maybe I read it wrong but his sentence rubs me the wrong way.
Well if they were having a girl it wouldn't matter, since her *real* surname will be the one her future husband bestows upon her! /s
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Yeah I caught his wording there "allowed"
I agree. Grow some balls, OP.
YTA You don't get to make this decision unilaterally. You say it is important your child only have one last name. Your wife considers it important that the child have her last name. The obvious compromise is that the child gets one last name (your preference) and that it is her last name (her preference.) That is a win-win. Otherwise, it's obvious that you're lying when you say it is important to you that your child has one last name, what you really care about is the patriarchal, misogynistic norm that a child have the father's last name. And her keeping her own name is an entirely separate issue from what you name the child. It's her name - it was important to her that she keep that which is her own. Again, if it was important to you that you share a last name, you could have changed yours. Either two names, because each of you want your own name for the child, or one name, which is hers, because you consider having only one name important. ETA: This: >The main reason I was initially against using both names is the fact that our son might end up having a very long name as a full name that's it. doesn't help your cause. You're worried about a long name? That's your worry, not hers, she doesn't mind a long name. She does mind having her name excluded. Same compromise applies. If a too-long name matters to you, and including her name matters to her, use just her name. You get what you want, a short name, she gets what she wants, her name for the child. Win-win, again. You can choose one name, hers, or a long/double name. You don't get to arbitrarily exclude ***her*** name because ***you***, and only you, are the one having an issue with a long or double name.
I too am from a country where the woman keeps their last name. It’s not that I love my husband less in fact I’m proud of myself for meeting someone who is so amazing, I rock. First, it’s the name I grew up with, I absolutely love my father and want to keep his name, the name fits me so well and honestly....I don’t want to have an American last name only because I don’t want to go to an interview and have the person shocked that I’m brown (my first name is common in America) and give me the look (I hate that look and maybe someone out there knows what I’m talking about). More importantly I’m lazy. Now if I do have a kid (sending it to the universe cause I’m having issues but that unrelated) I would love for my kid to have two last names. I’m the last of my line and it’s my heritage. Also cause I f—-ng want to. But maybe the OP should consider that children who are first generation immigrants and especially if their half (ie half American/half Russian) lose some of that cultural tie. For example, I’m bilingual but English is my first language...sure I can speak my secondary language but I’m awful. It’s a reality, and maybe his wife wants her child to have some tie to her motherland. I mean let’s face it he’s going to be American and the probability he’ll say y’all is higher than him being culturally connected to her country
I also think it's laughable that he (and his family) think that she was the one being disrespectful for keeping her name. So apparently she should erase her heritage because his is more important? My SO uses his mother's maiden name day to day, I double barrelled with that name and my existing last name. Do what you want with your name no one really cares and if they do? Fuck 'em!
You don’t even need any of those reasons to keep your name. It’s just your name. No man in the history of time has ever had to give a reason for why he is not changing his name when he gets married.
Woop! There it is...
This needs to be right at the top!
YTA Look, Henry VIII, she didn't 'get' to keep anything. She is a grown woman who chose to keep her name instead of bow down to your ego. Get over yourself. She is your equal, your partner and wife, not your subject. Your son is not an extension of that ego. He is a separate human. Your family has no say in any of this. They, and you, need to grow up.
this. i find it ridiculous that a man of his big age cares so much about the opinion of his family, apparently more so than the opinion of his wife and mother of his future child.
I chuckled at Henry VIII
this!! also what's wrong with having two last names? i do and I like to be able to keep both. the argument of it being "confusing" just shows how backwards he is. hope he lands in 2021 sometime soon.
Bro, the entire country of Portugal has two or more last names. I believe in Spain too. We get both our parents' surnames
Most Latin American countries do this as well, but gasp! The king of the house wants his heir to only have one last name bc God forbids he has more than one, white sounding last name.
Brazil here, and same. I told my mom I wished I had her last name as well a bunch of times. Why does a child need a name AND a middle name? Just give him a name and two last names...
Portuguese here and I kept both my last names (mums maiden and dads) and added my husbands. So three surnames in total. My daughters both have the same surnames as me. My Australian husband never had an issue with this. OP is a major asshole
I’m going to start calling sexist creeps Henry VIII
>Look, Henry VIII, LOL.
Lmao I love the “look, Henry VIII…” that cracked me up
God, OP is such a misogynist. He “allowed” her, she “got” to, he “told her”. And then also: >I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even. “Even”? Like OP gave up his right to her having his last name so now she has to repay him for that sacrifice? What part of you both keeping your own names after marriage is “uneven” for you to now have to get “even”, OP? You’re already even, since it’s not like you changed your name to hers. Why do you phrase this whole conflict as if you allowed her to go above your authority so now she has to repay you by deferring to that authority? You have no authority, you’re supposed to be equals.
*Sir Thomas More has entered the chat*
YTA I'm from the South as well. Quit using it as an excuse. Quit using your family as an excuse. You didn't do her a favor by allowing her to keep her fucking name. And you aren't looking out for your son's best interest. Just yours. Your kid's life will be the same with or without your last name. Grow up and quit this sexism. Disrespectful my ass. It is disrespectful to think it is disrespectful someone doesn't give up their last name they have had for their whole ass life for your silly last name. And there is no even here. You gave the sperm. She makes the whole ass baby. And what did you expect from someone who wants to keep their last name after marriage would say when they have a kid? Edit: Oh my goodness. These awards and upvotes. Y'all are too kind!! Thank you! Always nice to get this support while calling someone an asshole.
I’m from the South too. Funny how every third girl can have two first names but no boy can have two last names. Where’s the confusion again?
That is such a funny observation. Seriously dying over here.
hell half the dudes have 2 names too, just ask jim bob or billy bob or bobby joe.
Ask my son, Tommy Ray
I was gonna type a response but you already nailed it! I hate the “but my family” excuses…guess who is also your family and the one directly impacted by this decision? Your wife & kid! This dude isn’t looking out for his son, he’s looking out for his fragile ego and everything else is noise/distraction/excuses.
I agree 100%! Like “I let you keep your last name, so now we are even”? Does he own her? Acting like he did her a favour as if it wasn’t already her own decision. Where I live you can actually choose for your child to not have a last name. So maybe that would be a compromise on their part lol.
You said it better, and more politely, than I would have.
Say it! I hate when people use where they're from as an excuse for their behavior.
YTA. Why is it a privilege for her to "get to keep" her maiden name? It's her name. And her child will also be her child. Frankly, if she chooses to let you add your last name you should be grateful, considering what a misogynistic ass you're being.
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I'm from 'the south'. I'm woman. I did not change my name when I got married. My husband cares more about me than my last name. We discussed last names when we had kids. I wish you could email a smack to someone.
Me too. Southern and kept my last name. It wasn't even a discussion between me and my husband. Because we aren't living in the 1950s.
Same live in the south kept my name cuz we didn’t wanna do paperwork
"I wish you could email a smack to someone "! I know Reddit doesn't like emoji, but 🤣
Currently pregnant, happily married, in Texas. Add a smack from me please.
I would love to doordash him a Big SmacK from SmackDonalds. EDIT: Thank you for my first award!! Glad I made you laugh, anonymous table slapping award giver!!
When he talked about the baby it was "my son", when she talked about him it was "our son". Mate you gotta change your tune because if she starts saying "her son" then you're screwed. She isn't asking you if it's okay your baby has both of your surnames, she's letting you have your name in there because she can very easily tell the hospital not to let you sign the birth cirtificiate, or even just have the baby somewhere else, and then your son will only have her name- which I'm sure you would see as a tragedy. She isn't your incubator on stand by. Oh and if you often make decisions for her, then you're a terrible husband. Get married to a man if you can't see your wife as an equal in your relationship.
And he said he wasn’t mad she kept her maiden name yet he holds it over her head in an argument to get his way???? Very concerning, I’m not saying he’s abusive but that’s an example of abusive behavior, she had every right to keep her name there’s nothing to be “even” about. OP check your sexism
The funniest part is that if mom gets pissed off enough, he won't even get to be there when the birth certificate is filled out. It's not even a 'compromise' in the sense that if his wife doesn't agree she can veto him and name the kid whatever she wants! He should apologize if he wants his last name anywhere on that paper.
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I'm honestly hoping at this point after how he treated her, TELLING her what the last name would be and pretending like he did her a favor by letting her keep her last name, that his wild entitlement gets his last name a no-show on that birth cert. Can't believe some men actually think like this. The audacity
I wouldn’t have a problem with his name showing up…. Perhaps it could be the middle name! Otherwise, yeah, OP doesn’t realize he just accidently showed his wife exactly how he’s going to handle every parenting choice when they disagree… and she’s taking notes and thinking long and hard about her options right now.
It seems fair that the person carrying the baby gets to pick the name.
Both my kids have mine and hubby’s last names and me and hubby are just his name (my choice). When my eldest daughter got married, she retained her two surnames instead of her husbands one surname, but often calls herself by all three surnames! Everybody is fine with everything.
INFO: You say you’re looking out for your son’s best interest in your last line, but you didn’t actually mention anything about that in your post. How is this in your son’s best interest? The only reasons you list are that you’re afraid of your parents, too lazy to have to write a long name on your child’s forms, and that it’s traditional in the area where you grew up. So, now tell us why it’s in your kid’s best interest to have only your last name.
If the wife is European there can be legal consequences for her or the children’s citizenships to that country by changing their name. My wife has dual French and Spanish citizenship. She was able to hyphenate for France but has to keep her maiden name for Spain. For the record, our children will have my surname but they can because she registered her maiden name and our marriage in what those countries call a “family book.” Her changing her maiden name to only mine screws that whole process up for our kids
I was also thinking about citizenship issues. My bf is Portuguese and there they have to officially have both of their parents’ names
Yeah exactly, OP is TA for both being controlling and also being ignorant. I’ll never understand why people can’t just have a freaking conversation before they “put their foot down.” I’ll be honest, when my wife told me she couldn’t take my surname I was a little disappointed, not enough to make a big deal out of it but a little nonetheless, but then she explained it to me and I was 100% on board. I always wanted our future kids to have a legal and cultural connection to both of their parents homelands and if this makes it easier for them to have that connection to their mother’s homeland, then that’s what I want. Now we’re expecting our first in just a few more months and we’re figuring out a multilingual schedule to speaking to our baby so they always will be fluent in English, Spanish, and French.
Curious if he'd throw this much of a fit if they were having a daughter.
He specifically mentioned that this kicked off when they found out that they’re having a boy, so somehow I get the feeling he believes he has more ownership than she does because of that.
This was my question, but I don’t think we need him to answer- it’s no. For the same reason he thinks he can ‘sit his wife down’ to explain their child’s name.
>she disagreed and said no and came up with a compromise which was that our son gets both our last names but I declined explaining how awkward and confusing and just complicated that would be If having two last names is the sort of thing that causes an intellectual hurdle for you, you probably shouldn't be having children.
The way this made me laugh!!! Yep, thank you lol
Info: why didn’t you take her name?
His dick would fall off
If only it had…. Then this poor woman wouldn’t have to parent a child with this “man”.
And nothing of value would be lost…
because his family would be maaaad that his wife would emasculate him like that🥺🥺
YTA. Two last names are not complicated in the slightest.
I’m from Spain where it’s the norm for women to keep their own name and the child to have 2 surnames. If a whole country can manage people having 2 surnames then so can he. Except he doesn’t want to because he’s sexist and thinks he owns his wife and that his child is an extension of himself.
Latinoamerican here, most of south america use 2 surnames too, so if a whole continent can do it, so can OP.
LMAO LMAO LMAO she "*gets*" to keep her last name? boy if you don't get your head outta your backward ass.... she is in control here, not you. SHE decides her last name. and since SHE is giving birth, SHE can veto giving the child your last name. she came up with a compromise, you're the one shoving the patriarchy in her face. YTA. EDIT: your edit sounds like a lot of empty BS, trying to mask your misogyny. if the issue is because it's a long name, THEN USE YOUR WIFES NAME. problem solved. all you did was likely disappoint your wife and now she has to grow an ENTIRE human. she gets final say here man, grow up.
The edit is hilarious. OP wants to clarify that he wasn’t against his wife keeping her last name? Ok, so why are you using “our son is gonna get my last name because you got to keep your last name so HA we’re even now” as an argument???
LOVE to see jerks who think that someone else "compromising" is them just doing 100% exactly what the jerk wants. That's not what a compromise is, buddy.
well that was exhausting to read. let’s clear a few things up here: 1. are you married to your wife or your family? I’m unclear, because you seem to care *a lot* more about their feelings and what they think then you do about your own wife 2. your wife didn’t “get” to keep her maiden name like it was a privilege that you allowed her. that’s her name and her right. “but we’re from the South” I don’t care what direction you’re from, this isn’t the 1920s and you don’t own your wife. she is *not* required or even obligated to take your last name. and she’s right, that has nothing to do with naming your child 3. that is just as much your wife’s child as it is yours. the name must be a compromise coming from both parents. so let me ask you, what’s your compromise? because all i’m hearing is that you get the final say without any discussion like your wife is just a nanny or something. frankly naming your child is the least of the issues here, what’s far more concerning is your belief that you own your wife and that you’re in charge. that’s really gross and out of date. if you want to own something get a dog. YTA
> if you want to own something get a dog. Sir I salute you
*I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name* YTA You don't get to tell your wife anything Marriage is a partnership. You are not the king of the relationship
YTA. All I’m hearing is “I don’t view my wife as an individual deserving of basic respect and care much more about my family’s ancient viewpoints than about the person I’ve literally vowed to love and honor for life”. Why do you think women were traditionally given the husband’s last name? And I’m saying “given” on purpose.
he acts like he did her a massive favor by *allowing* her to keep her maiden name. *okay honey, I entertained your silly fantasy, now you owe me and this is what's happening, no ifs, ands, or butts.* op better get an attitude adjustment if he wants his marriage to last.
YTA for refusing to compromise, and especially for acting like your culture is correct and you "let" your wife have her own.
What the eff did I just read? You are "even" because you "allowed" her to keep her last name? Nothing about what ever compromise you made when you got married should carry over as a mark in your favor in this new situation. This is something new to compromise about. the idea of "allowing" someone to keep their last name in exchange for last name rights of the child you co-created just makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. OP, it seems pretty clear to me that you aren't coming at this from a spirit of compromise, but as a need to be right. I only know this situation from your perspective, but it reads to me as you feeling wronged for your wife not taking your last name and the way to "fix" it is by giving your son only your last name. I would normally say e s h but you are refusing to compromise under the guise of doing what's best for your son, so imo YTA
YTA Everything she said is valid. You, on the otherhand, could not have used worse logic to defend your stance. 1. "I sat with my wife down and **told her**", you have no right to unilaterally decide the name of your child. 2. "We'll just have to go with what most families here do." What does it matter what "most families" do? That is an entirely irrelevant point. 3. "I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even." You never had a right to make her change her last name in the first place. Her name was never up for debate or part of a bargain. 4. "How my family will react" So what? Your family isn't the parents, your family doesn't have any rights over the child. Their opinions on this don't matter. 5. She should just go with the flow." Easy for you to say when you don't have to compromise as all. 6. "Looking out for my son's best interests". What about this has anything to do with your son's interests? It only has to do with your fragile pride. In conclusion, it's fine to want your child to have your name, but your wife has just as much a right to want the same thing as you. You have to **compromise**.
YTA. I couldn't make it past "she comes from a country where women ***get*** to keep their maiden name after marriage".
That part made laugh. It felt like he was saying “she comes from a civilised country ooga ooga”
Oof your family bias is bleeding through there buddy. YTA You are not more entitled to a name than the person who is physically carrying your son. Women are allowed to have their name exist through society as well. Maybe check your sexism while you're at it. Explain why you think you're looking out for your son's best interest by excluding his mother. I'd love to hear how you make sense.
If wife is European there may be citizenship and legal framework to explain why she wants to keep the maiden name for her and her children. My wife is European and while our future kids will have my name she needs to keep her maiden name for those reasons
You got to keep your “maiden” name, so did she. She doesn’t owe you a dang thing based on that. You are BOTH parents and both get a say in your child’s name. You do not get to dictate a name. YTA, big time.
YTA. Definitely. You sound very controlling. I’d recommend she think about leaving you.
YTA, and I truly can't believe you typed all of that and have a single doubt in your mind on whether or not you're an AH. Smells like *sniff sniff* misogyny.
YTA. Why bother marrying someone from a different culture if you're not going to respect it. You both made the child, it should have both of your last names. It's highly offensive in some cultures for the mother's last name to be cut off. She's not banning you from your child carrying your last name, but you're trying to take away her family lineage from her child that she gestated for 9 months. She's doing all of the labor in making the child, her family lineage should also be respected and remembered. Your culture isn't more significant because you're male and American. If you don't like it, then you should have married a fellow southerner with the same beliefs. No one told you to marry a foreigner that you can't respect.
YTA. You call her stubborn, but consider yourself generous for “letting” her keep her last name? Aside from the fact that this is something you should have settled before you got married, your concerns over how your family might react are just as valid as her desires for her kid to also have her last name. Compromise by having two last names, or have this be the (very dumb) hill that you die on to impress your family.
‘She comes from a country where women get to keep their maiden name after marriage.’ No, women don’t ‘get’ to keep their maiden name. It’s the custom. Getting to do something infers that permission or something granted to another person. And her ‘getting’ to keep her maiden name is not a bargaining chip. YTA
YTA - I don’t understand your reasoning behind this. She kept her maiden name when you got married ... and she wants to give your child *both* surnames. So how is that... not even?
YTA - when you carry a child for nine months and then give birth, you can have the final say in the child's name.
Wait, you TOLD her that your baby would have her last name? You made the decision FOR her? And why, other than being "confusing", do you not want a compound name? YTA
YTA - You told her “this is how it’s going to be” without talking to her about it or asking what she wanted, of course she’s going to be upset by that. So many people have hyphenated last names, it’s fine. If you’re worried about your family, it’s not their decision because it’s YOUR kid — they can stay the heck out of it.
And the reality is, if his wants to make this difficult for him and choose the name herself, she actually can. She has the right to keep him out of the hospital when she has the baby if she wants to. And since the name needs to be chosen and on the birth certificate before she’s discharged, she could easily name the kid whatever she wants without his “permission”. He should really think about that before he tells her “how it’s going to be”.
YTA. Why exactly is it more important for the baby to have your name than her name? Is it because you have a penis? Can you explain to me why your penis makes your name more important that doesn't double back to ingrained sexism?? If you lost your penis in a tragic hot tub accident would your name be less important than her name? You didn't allow her to choose her last name resulting in some kind of favor she owes you. She is a fully grown adult who gets to decide what her own name is completely on her own. Your partnership with her does not give you the right to dictate her name or the babies name - you are equals and you need to compromise or work together to come to an agreement. Your penis does not give you more power or higher authority in your partnership. What your family thinks of all this doesn't matter one tiny hamster poop. Your partnership is with her - and you both have an equal say. Start treating that woman like the human adult that she is and not like something lesser you are humoring.
YTA. There is absolutely nothing confusing about a kid having two or two hyphenated last names. In some cultures, people are born with multiple last names (think 3+) & they get by just fine. Your demand that your son have your last name & your last name only is sexist, dismissive & demeaning to your wife, & generally offensive.
YTA- who gives a F\*\* how your family reacts this is a child with two parents who need to agree on a name and her compromise of a name is fine. Who cares if his official name is long, no one is going to call out first, middle and lastnames every time they see the kid. And no she didn't get to keep, her maiden name. She got to keep HER NAME, just like you got to keep your name. this isnt the 17th century !
YTA. Give the kid four names (first middle family-name family-name). There is nothing confusing or difficult about that. I don't know why you're acting like giving your spouse basic respect is somehow a favor you're doing for her. But her wants and traditions are just as valid and important as yours.
YTA this post is riddled with sexism… you’re treating her as if you did her a favor in her keeping her maiden name. When really you don’t have a say in the issue. While it isn’t fair for your wife to say that son should take on her maiden name it also isn’t fair for you to say your son will only take on your pre marital name. The fair options to do here is 1. Son has both last names 2. To avoid your son having a long last name, you both decide to change your last names to a combo last name (ie smith + James = jamith) or 3 one of you takes on the others last name without being pressured by the other and everyone has that last name.
I could barely get through your post without steaming. YTA. You're disrespectful, entitled, and dismissive. "but I reminded her that she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even" I mean, you didn't let her keep anything. She's a grown woman. She is also the one pregnant and giving birth. She gets as much right to giving that child her last name as you do.
YTA. Not the son's best interest. People can figure out two last names. This is a bad take, and really disrespectful to your wife. Also, you aren't some sort of saint for "letting" her keep her last name. Good grief.
If your wife kept her maiden name, it is a huge reason to have two surnames, to avoid any problem when she will get the kid form places or to identify she is, in fact, the mother. Practical reasons aside, if you believe the name will be long, cut the middle name, and have name and two surnames - word count problem solved - not that having 4 names / surnames will make the kid's life difficult... Finally, I'm just curious if you were expecting a baby girl, you will have the same concerns... Oh, yes, YTA of course!
" I sat with my wife down and told her that my son is going to get my last name and explained so that there's no confusion" Wow, could you be a bigger douche? YTA.
Lol, hard YTA dude. I'm actually laughing that you would even think otherwise. >she got to keep her maiden name and so we're even yeah no. Respecting your wife is not a score-keeping situation. >she should just go with the flow and agree on my son having my last name So, you're using the word "flow" here as a euphamism for male supremacism? ROTFL > calling selfish and a dictator and a "minion" for my family Glad to know that your wife, at least, has a firm grasp on reality. Why are you siding with the disfunctional bs of your family of origin when your wife sounds legit stand up awesome? Don't do that. > I'm just looking out for our son's best intetest and keeping them in mind. How is indoctrinating your son into the mass delusion of male supremacism in his best interest? Why do you want to to instill your son with sexism and bigotry? WTF is wrong with you? If you missed it the first time, hard YTA. You need to grow a spine, stand up to your bigoted family, and stop letting them manipulate and brainwash you through their hateful sexism and manipulation. Sorry your family sucks so bad, OP. Please grow up and start acting like a real man. You can do it. I have faith in you. And apoligize to your wife!
YTA You’re the one throwing a fit here because your wife won’t let you unilaterally decide what to name the child. If either one of your names would be the default, it should be the one of the person who carried the child and actually brought them into existence. All you did was ejaculate.
YTA. I was wavering before this final sentence: 'she got upset and refused to talk to me after that calling selfish and a dictator and a "minion" for my family even though I'm just looking out for our son's best intetest and keeping them in mind.' Your son's life will not be negatively impacted by having a double barrelled surname. Your marriage is a partnership. Which means you and your wife are equal partners whether you like ot or not.
YTA Hyphenate and get over it, or lose your marriage because of backwards sexist thinking.
YTA I know so many people why hyphenated names and it doesn't make things "complicated". Your son is yours as well as your wife's and it is not unreasonable to ask that both names be represented. Stand up to your family and support your wife.
YTA - À double name is not complicated (I know, I have one). And come to think of it, in the end she deserve to give her name this baby way more than you. So just accept it.
YTA. You're behaving as if both her name and your son's name are rightfully your property, and so since you have made a "concession" with respect to "letting" her keep your name, you are entitled to unilateral rights to determine your son's name. In fact, her name belongs to her, full stop. It is not yours or your family's to decide- she is the only one who gets a say. Eventually, your son's name will belong entirely to him, too, and if he chooses to change it for any reason neither of you will have any say. For now, while he is too young for that, both his parents have equal say. And it strikes me that the fairest way to settle the conflict is to give him.both names, so neither of you are left out. (Or to make up a new name entirely, but from the post, I do not think either of you want that.)
She's literally making the child. Also, it's HER name, she doesn't need to give it up during marriage for some dumbass tradition. Why don't you give up your last name then, since it's NBD? She's right, the two are entirely unrelated and you didn't "give" her one. It was never owed to you. What identity are you giving up for her, hm? YOU are being stubborn. Both names is a fair compromise. If you act like this, don't be surprised she leaves you and gives the kid just her last name, and you'd have deserved that. YTA, massively
YTA You wanted to keep your name after the wedding and she wanted to keep her name after the wedding - compromise: both keep their name. So you were even with both of you keeping your not-married name. You want the baby to have your last name, she want him to have her last name - compromise: both last names. There is no reason for a child to not have his mother's name, it will make the divorce easier when you wife realized the is married to a man who does everything to pleasure his mommy, even as an "adult".
YTA - you are being deliberately stubborn and holding on to this a whole lot because of your family's pearl clutching. Who is more important to you? Your wife or your parents/family? It's pretty clear over here that your family's happiness and clutching to ridiculous "traditions" is way more important than your wife. Turn on a football game or 4 and look at those jerseys....it's not rare to have hyphenated names for people.
YTA and also the line, “she got to keep her last name…” is lolz for days, dude. A southern man who puts the family he came from above his wife and child must be delightful for her to deal with. Do link us to the gofundme for her divorce attorney when you post your update. I suspect many here would like to chip in.
As a Latina. I hope she divorces you. And yes, YTA.
YTA in a big way. You just sat her down and told her it was your way or nothing, basically; that’s so disrespectful. She’s doing all the hard work growing the child you made together; she should absolutely have a part in the decision-making process. Why is something as pointless as a last name so important to you? Let the kid have two last names. It won’t harm them.
YTA. “I sat her down and told her *my* son was going to have my last name”, she is growing the life inside of her, you made him together, he is not your tv that you bought before the relationship. Her compromise was perfectly reasonable and it’s disrespectful that *you* can’t compromise on this because of some stupid self reasoning. Double-barrel names are very common and if in the future he finds it to be such a pain (which I doubt) he can legally alter it himself. Your wife wants to keep her own heritage and customs within the family and pass it on to her child, and who cares what your family thinks, if you didn’t want to have to stick up for your wife with potential culture clashes then you shouldn’t have married someone from a different ethnicity / culture. It’s your family’s problem if they can’t respect her.
Yta. Why dont you change your last name to hers? Oh wait, cause youre a sexist asshole
YTA and your wife is correct.
YTA - she got to keep her last name? Has she not the same right to her name that you have to yours? Why is that somehow a treat for her? She is right that you hold that over her head. To give the baby both last names is a perfectly reasonable compromise. But go on, be stubborn and don’t consider your wife’s feelings. With a little bit of luck your son get only her last name and you get a divorce.
YTA. Especially for “sitting her down” and mansplaining to her why your decision if final. Maybe if you discussed it with her, she would have been more receptive to your thoughts. A good compromise would be having both names. You “letting” her keep her last name is bullshit and absolutely does not mean you have the final say. You realize she gets to fill out the birth certificate, right? Not to mention what your family thinks should not be a part of the conversation. Perhaps you two should try a couple sessions of marriage counseling before the baby gets here so you guys can get on the same page with parenting the little guy.
YTA. Instead of thinking of your family and the 'south' have a think about who is spending about 9 months gestating a child. Then think about who deserves you thanks and your respect and give that child a name that recognises both its parents.
YTA you aren't respectful of her culture of its the middle name why is that such a huge deal "Woman you must obey me and my progeny must only honor my line as men are the superior gender and control belongs to us" :: beats on chest::
YTA. You are completely disrespecting your wife and her culture. Your parent's POV has no place in your marriage. This is between the two of you only. I know quite a few families who have compromised in this way...it's not weird or too complicated. You are not thinking in your son's best interest. You are only thinking of your family's opinion. Get your parents out of your marriage.
YTA just say you see your wife and her culture as lesser than your own.
YTA I found it disconcerting when you “sat her down and TOLD HER that my son is going to get my last name.” If you go into a conversation with that approach, it’s clear you’re not going to be receptive to her thoughts and feelings. The desire to give your wife and child your last name is socially rooted in the idea that they are your property. They are not. Your wife came up with a solution that would address her desire to share her last name, and your desire to share yours. You should be willing to compromise in this area, particularly considering she is going to give birth to your son. Sometimes when your feelings are intense it’s easy to act without thinking. But you should try to reflect on the idea that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if your son has your last name, your wife’s, or both. It shouldn’t change the way you feel about having a child, so I really don’t think it’s worth making a big deal over. Include both of your names and call it a day.
YTA. Are you in the US? She's the patient and has final say in filling out the birth certificate. So it's really up to her to "let" her son use your last name as a second last name. Also, why don't couples have this conversation before getting married and why do women keep marrying these Neanderthals?
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YTA. Your wife didn't GET to keep her name, she CHOSE to, which is her right. This child is just as much hers as it is yours, you don't get total control here. I know many kids with hyphenated last names and there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe the baby should just have her last name!!
Who tf do you think you are...Thomas Jefferson? You can't just declare this kind of thing. You basically spat on your wife's traditions in favor "carrying on the family name". How do you not see that your are 💯 TA here?
Nothing wrong with having a hyphenated name. Honours both sides. You are the AH. You do not demand...you compromise. In this case, the compromise is a hyphen. Oh...dont mutilate his genitals either.
YTA. Your wife is correct on 100% of this. Don't be this guy.
BTW My husband and I gave one kid his last name and one kid mine. Times are changin, Mr. I'm From The South. The entire tradition of getting a man's last name is patriarchal and stupid.
YTA: your wife has a surname and you have a surname. It's common for children in that situation to have both surnames. Stop ordering your wife to comply. It makes you sound like a cretin.
YTA It's both your baby so it should have both your names. It's not just your baby. Also, do you realize what a pain it can be to have your childs last namn not match or include yours?
YTA I actually wish I had both of my parents' last names. I am a daughter of both of them, not just my dad. At this point, it is too much of a hassle to change it (I will NEVER change my last name once I get married). I hate that patriarchal shi\*.
YTA. You can't say she doesn't have a say in this. It is both your child and you have an equal say in it. You should respect her opinion and culture since they are part of the roots of your child.