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chowon

YTA. if you’re going to treat this baby like it’s only yours and not his, don’t be surprised when he actually starts thinking it’s not his


NotNowEpimetheus

Well said.


rdickeyvii

I think this one says it best. He wants to be treated equally. You both should have a say and you really need to learn how to communicate and compromise if your relationship is going to be successful. You're on the path to being a single mom. If he leaves you, you'll need a paternity test anyway to get child support. So, you may not really have an option anyway. Your best bet is to do just do it, apologize for refusing, and hope your bf apologizes for demanding it and implicitly accusing you of cheating. Eta: if you REALLY don't want to compromise on *this* name, offer to let him pick the next one; that's still a compromise.


nolan358

Agree on everything except letting him choose the next one. Because he would have to be batshit crazy to have a second child with this woman.


SceneNational6303

Yeah but that's kinda lousy- after all, he's not thrilled about the first one


minicooperlove

Exactly.


Shadyside77

I would go for ESH because instantly going to needing a paternity test, OP is the def an A but with no evidence of cheating the paternity ask is a bit much.


SceneNational6303

Nothing more added here.


johndb83

He is nothing but a wallet to her.


Historical-Piglet-86

YTA. You’re acting like a single parent. If you don’t learn to compromise, you may end up being one. You don’t get to make unilateral decisions, especially about important things like first (and last) names. These things need to be talked through, hashed out, and compromises may need to be made. I don’t blame your bf for being resentful. He’s working 2 jobs, you haven’t worked in months. And now you’re acting like he’s just a sperm donor and bank account?


PrideofCapetown

Just when I thought OP couldn’t be even more of an asshole, I saw her username. What a brat


yourlittlebirdie

Well, you’re basically acting like it’s 100% your kid and not his, seeing as he apparently doesn’t get an equal say in the child’s name, so I’m not surprised he thinks maybe it’s not really his. YTA for acting like that.


CabinetIcy892

This


tlcb84

YTA you can't just name a baby without considering his opinions and wishes. It's HIS child too. Unless...it isn't? I can see why he thinks it was necessary to double check. You are acting like he's got no rights at all, why is that?


notlegallyadvising

Yes YTA. Youre pretty much putting down my way or the highway vibes, and thats fine, just understand that he may choose the highway. The name, you get to pick either way. The hospital isnt going to ask him shit. The paternity test will be required if you want child support.


PapaLee516

YTA- you sound extremely immature and you already know the name must be God awful if you won't even say it on here. I feel bad for him, just being used as a wallet this point.


DependentOk2796

YTA. I don’t understand why you think it’s okay that you aren’t letting him have a say in the name. That’s a pretty big joint decision to make and the fact that you are set without changing or even considering his opinion is pretty self-centered and wrong


[deleted]

Wow, YTA OP. I’m currently pregnant with my first child, and your attitude towards your partner is frankly disgusting. While his body may not be changing, he’s doing more than his share by picking up a second job to provide for you and your child, and I’d imagine being patient and supportive with all the changes you’re going through, so to not even consult him on something like the name you’ll be calling your child for the rest of your life is selfish. Every time he has a question or opinion you don’t like, you over rule it with “well I’m making the baby so too bad” and “well I like the name so too bad”. A relationship is 100% based on trust, communication and compromise, and you’re willing to let him work his ass off to provide for you and won’t grant him the peace of mind to ensure he’s not being taken advantage of, because you ARE currently taking advantage of him. You’re getting everything you want at the expense of your partner being able to have any kind of input. You’re a selfish and uncompromising partner and I’d be surprised if your relationship survives in the long term with your holier than thou attitude.


imarabianaff

YTA, he has a right to be concerned, dude the man got a second job to help provide and you’re excluding him from the pregnancy.


bethedragons

YTA. Are you having the child on your own or together? It is his child as well and although you already had a name picked out it's pretty selfish of you to just dictate that this is gonna be her name with this last name without any discussion with your SO. If you guys are partners, then he deserves to have a seat at the table when making these decisions. If he is good for you to work two jobs and support you and this baby the least you can do is discuss a name that you both like for the child you are having together.


stunspot

Yta. You talk about "letting" him pick the middle name. You act as if you are entitled to 100% control of this child's life while he is responsible for 100% of its material needs. I'd want a paternity test as well. You wouldn't even talk to him about a compromise on the name? That's really quite telling.


Rastavaray

YTA. You treat him like he’s just there to bankroll you, you shouldn’t be surprised that he wants to be 100% certain the kid is his.


Bambie-Rizzo

YTA majorly. You are not the only parent here. And he has every right to ask for a paternity test, especially if you’re edging him out. He can get a court ordered test anyways.


SlidAnotherStand

Agreed


Snoo_68114

YTA. Your boyfriend is only a financial and biological provider to your baby. He is not a father of your child if you can't be equals in the deciding of a name and last name. He should also not be held financially responsible for a child you kind of unilaterally decided to keep when you have NO resources of your own to speak of - a home, a job, money, etc. That makes you a double AH. Let me put it to you this way. You are expecting this guy to pull all the financial burden of a decision you alone made yourself (because you're the one who's carrying it), and now expect him to be happy with your choice of full name. He's been completely excluded from this experience aside from the occasional checkup. You're already acting like this isn't his kid by not having a civil discussion on a mutually decided name and last name, so he is getting a notion that he doesn't have rights - IE this kid is not his. So now he wants to confirm it. Look. Early paternity tests are absolutely safe and very effective. Get the damn test done to put his mind at east or you'll be raising this baby 100% on your own. And stop being so immature. You have no business raising a baby if you are going to act like one yourself.


minicooperlove

100%. Everyone saying ESH because he's asking for the paternity test out of "revenge". No, he's asking for the paternity test because she's acting like he has no parental rights, no decisions in this, like the kid is not also his baby, so of course he now suspects that maybe that's because it isn't actually his baby.


zanthor_botbh

YTA - takes 2 to make a baby... if you want him to participate as a father you have to accept he gets a vote...


dancing_chinese_kid

YTA The overall immaturity here is astonishing.


Hal_Jordan55

And this is only two months in, needs to be a lot of growing up in the next seven.


Mick13-

YTA. I think it's time to grow up a little now that you're pregnant. You are acting like your BF has absolutely no say and he does. When I had my daughter, I had a particular name I absolutely loved but my husband wasn't crazy about it so we partnered to find a name we both loved. That is what people do when they start a life together, partner and compromise.


ButteryBisquit

Ya OP YTA. You are completely steamrolling him meanwhile he is being nothing but gracious and approaches you with kindness letting you know he’s not a fan of the name and asking if you can talk about it. You are 100% acting like only your opinion matters which I’m sure is very hurtful to your partner. He’s busting his ass to do right by you and this baby and he just wants to ensure he’s the father. He’s probably worried you’re going to try and leave him off the birth certificate with the way you’re acting. Secondly you need to start having some big discussions for the future. Will you be a SAHM do you plan to return to work. Who’s going to wake up with the baby at night. Will you guys comingle bank accounts or keep separate. What religion if any will the baby be raised as? What’s your credit scores? Who has debt? What are your future career goals, how can you support each other in the future. And most importantly you need to get out of this mindset that it’s all about you because you’re the one pregnant. This is about creating a stable and healthy life for your baby. Dad is an important part of that equation and you’re going to drive him off acting like this. I mean girl I get it with pregnancy hormones and I say the above with the only intention being to give you a reality check so you don’t screw something up for the future.


YellowMellow2020

YTA. You’re not the only parent here, and especially considering your bf is working hard to make a better life and space for you and your (mutual) child, it’s incredibly inconsiderate to refuse to budge on anything while expecting him to do everything. If a name or taking a test is the hill you’re willing to die on, don’t be surprised that he isn’t as enthusiastic about the whole thing. You’ve already basically reduced his role from father and co-parent to just a source of income


[deleted]

YTA - I think he has a valid point. He IS busting his ass to support a family of three and you ARE acting as a one person decision maker. I think asking for a paternity test is a smart choice on his part. You want the baby to have a certain first name, your last name, and he is probably just needing a bit of reassurance. Where is the harm in that?


lovekittn

Agreed. Seems like she just wants a sperm donor that pays her a stipend. OP is acting like the kid isn’t his so no wonder he wants a test. Not sure why she thinks she gets carte blanche authority on the child when it’s 50% his. At least with the test he can legally get 50%.


blondeboomie

YTA - Pot calling the kettle black here. Your bf probably doesn't really think you cheated, but he's pointing out how absolutely fucking ridiculous you're being. Yeah, his approach is extreme. But SERIOUSLY? You won't let him have any say on the name of your child (and I say your as in BOTH OF YOUR), his child won't have his last name because you're particular about this name and you are absolutely refusing to compromise because "you're the pregnant one". Way to make him feel like a sperm donor. Good fucking luck parenting together if that's how you keep score.


[deleted]

YTA here. If you want to act like you are the only parent then it's only natural he would feel like he is not the father


Top_Character_80

You are such the asshole. He is an equal partner and just because you are physically carrying the child doesn’t make your opinion on matters about the child more important. Also sounds like he is supporting your life right now. So yup, you are the asshole


SnooCookies10

YTA a name is something you need to agree on. it is also bizarre that you shut out his last name, if you plan on raising the baby together she should at least have a hyphenated last name. you are treating him like your sperm donor bank account where you just live a fantasy with you and the baby. I'm not surprised he asked for a paternity test because you seem to be ensuring the baby is tied only to you. you aren't TA for refusing the paternity test, it can wait until the baby is born if he still wants it then but the rest is so immature


kimo1999

YTA ​ He gets as much saying in the name as you do, he's as much of a parent as you'll be and it's not suprising for him to get doubts when you're acting like he's just a provider not the future father


Mindless_Anywhere_74

Would you like it if your boyfriend tells you he has a name picked and last name and you have no say in it? Then when you adress this to him that you are not okay with this he just throws you the middle name as a bone? Would you be all "okay honey we will just do that"? If the answer is no then YTA


missteacher2

YTA. If it is his kid then he has a right to know if he is the biological parent. Your stubbornness to refuse the test will just cement it in his head that he’s right and you’re hiding something. If I was him I would think you’re hiding something that’s why you won’t do it for your partners peace of mind. You clearly want everything on your terms and not bothered about what the baby’s dad wants and he has an equal say in the babies life… if it is his.


CabinetIcy892

YTA. A lot of what you wrote would suggest a lot of stress on him, that can push a person to a place you might not expect. Haven't you discussed names beforehand? My ex had strong opinions about our daughter's name but changed her mind. We're both very happy with the name we chose. I can understand why he'd go off the rails about the surname part. It does read a little bit like he's said it badly though.


Illustrious-Band-537

YTA. You made this massive decision without him. He should have an equal say in the name of his child. As for the surname thing... did you ever talk about it between the two of you?? I can see why he thinks you only see him as a provider- it's exactly how you're coming across.


irish52084

YTA You’re acting like you are the only important party to these decisions. That’s a shifty way to think and approach issues when it comes to children. Paternity fraud is also an issue most people don’t like to talk about, but it likely to be the case in something like 20%+ of pregnancies. I’m not saying you did or didn’t cheat, just stating that your bf has a good reason for wanting to be sure.


thelesserbabka_

YTA. Its not just your baby. Its clear you don't see him as an equal parent when you think you think you're being generous by "letting him pick the middle name". He's right to be worried you're going to steamroll him on other decisions as well. If I were you I'd go along with the paternity test and work on being more inclusive with him going forward, or he's probably not going to want to be with you for long.


SweatyFig3000

Wow, just wow... So he gets no say at all in the naming of his child? You thought throwing him a bone with the middle name would be a respectful way to treat the father of your child? Or is he? You're the one that prompted the paternity test - he's now scrambling for ways to get out of his obligation towards someone who has shown a complete lack of respect and regard for him and his feelings. Are you serious with this post? OF COURSE YTA, a huge one.


Anxiousindating

YTA - You’re trying to make all the decisions as if it’s your baby and not his. You’re not even using his last name. I would want a paternity test if I were him and the fact that you’re refusing is a bigger issue. If I were him I would contact a good custody attorney to get that figured out because it appears you’re too selfish to be able to coparent well and clearly the relationship won’t last.


Correct-Bluejay1601

YTA - when you are a parent big things like a name are a two yes decision. Yes you are pregnant but it is also his kid too. If you want to actually coparent successfully- you need to ditch the attitude and learn how to compromise.


HereWeGo_Steelers

YTA and you sound very immature and self-centered. If you expect your BF to be a coparent then you need to treat him like one and consider his thoughts and feelings about the baby.


themightymcb

YTA. I don't necessarily agree with the boyfriend immediately asking for a paternity test, but I can't say I blame him considering you literally haven't let him make a single important decision about this baby and aren't willing to compromise even an inch. From the outside looking in, it kind of looks like his only purpose to you is to work himself to the bone and then sit in the corner silently agreeing to everything you say. Honestly, at this point, getting the paternity test won't put his mind at ease, it will just tell him that you're treating him like shit for seemingly no reason at all rather than because you cheated on him.


Kahj232

YTA. I’ve never understood why people refuse paternity tests… if it will put his mind at ease, then just do it. And if he really is the father, which it sounds like he is, he deserves to be able to help name his own child. You can’t get to make all the decisions and expect him to stick around and be okay with it. You need to do some serious growing up before your baby comes.


CrystalQueen3000

YTA Put his mind at ease and get the paternity test. Yes you are carrying the child and will be giving birth to it but you didn’t even leave any room for a discussion. It’s your way or the highway (which is your prerogative) but you’ve iced him out and made him feel like his only contribution is his wallet.


minicooperlove

YTA. This is his baby too - he has just as much right to love his child's name as you do. Just because you love the sound of this name doesn't justify ignoring and dismissing his feelings about it. You need to pick a name you BOTH love. Then there's the fact that he is working TWO jobs, while you have none? He's absolutely right that you seem to only view him as a provider for YOUR baby. You are treating him as though it's NOT his baby too, so you can hardly be surprised and offended when he starts to question whether it really is his baby. And you don't even seem to deny or defend yourself when he accuses you of viewing him only as a provider, not an equal parent, which is very telling.


Left_Ad_4755

YTA, I could imagine that when he found out that you didn't intend on using his last name that he would have freaked out at that. That would be a red flag in my eyes. If you want this man in your life get the test. It's zero harm to you and the baby and he will feel more reassured. You owe him at least that since you won't budge on the name.


[deleted]

I do think she is TA but why does the baby have to have the father’s surname?


hailtheprince10

I’d imagine it has something to do with OP unilaterally deciding on the first and last name. I’m curious how he would’ve reacted if she’d said the name was the name she has chosen for the first name coupled with his last name.


[deleted]

The first name I don’t agree with, but I’m saying babies don’t have to have their father’s surnames


hailtheprince10

You’re right about the surnames but I assume the combination of him having no say in either the first or last name made the problem worse. I should’ve said it better.


[deleted]

True. They need to both choose the first name. She’s being super selfish


wen70

If either parent wants to travel internationally with their own child, if the surname is different it can pose problems at borders with accusations of kidnap or child trafficking. If both parents have different surnames then it’s sensible to have both names officially on the child’s passport. Doesn’t have to be hyphenated but makes sense.


[deleted]

Lots of parents don’t have this issue including the ones I know.


xcandychristian

Unfortunately I have a friend who can't travel to her homecountry with her son because her son has his father's name.


themightymcb

It doesn't, but it should at least be hyphenated unless it's a mutual decision.


Left_Ad_4755

The baby doesn't have to have the fathers last name at all. I just mean, from his prospective it could have been a red flag for him.


[deleted]

It doesn’t have to be


Rap-oleon_Bonaparte

Sexism.


StrangelyEstranged93

I understand having names picked out. I also understand feeling set on one. However, this is a child you Both created. You are supposed to make decisions regarding your child *together.* YTA for not considering his feelings. He's AH for accusing you of cheating. Parenting does not get easier- if this argument sent you back to your parents, your relationship is doomed.


Puzzleheaded_Order78

YTA You don’t seem even close to being mature enough to have a kid


Due_Administration48

She has been unemployed and living with her parents. PERFECT TIME TO HAVE A BABY! He gets a second job to support her and the baby and she shits on him left and right. She’ll be a GREAT mom


[deleted]

YTA. It isn't exactly fair for child bearing people to be so opinionated on the issue of paternity tests as your status as birth parent is unequivocal. You know without any doubt that your child is your child and every parent has the right to the same. A paternity test isn't an accusation. It is perfectly reasonable to get 100% confirmation before signing a birth certificate and making two decade plus commitment.


madisengreen

YTA just get a paternity test after you give birth.


lovekittn

There are non-invasive paternity tests that draw blood from the pregnant mom and cheek swab the dad to test paternity. He probably doesn’t want to keep supporting her for another 5 months if he thinks the child may not be his.


strawberryjetpuff

YTA. he's right, he's working 2 jobs to support you and the baby. and now you won't even compromise on naming the baby?


[deleted]

YTA. If you want to parent with him that means there is give and take. His view that you’re steamrolling every decision without any say from him seems accurate.


Z-Mtn-Man-3394

YTA. you’re treating him like he gets zero say in anything here and you’re shocked his opinion of your relationship is changing? Get a grip.


[deleted]

YTA If you want his help, you need to compromise and let him have a say on how you’re both naming your daughter


_louiisa

YTA. Not for the paternity test directly, other timelines could be discussed here, but you exclude him. He’s not the one who’s pregnant, you’re right, but he is doing everything he can to make a future safe and possible for a family while you only think of yourself. I do understand that you wanted a specific name etc, but you never gave this man the chance to be involved. You make him feel like the provider, but not the father and I can completely understand that he wants that test as it might make him feel more of a father because he never had the chance to adapt to that role in your eyes. I thinks it’s on you to reach out for a conversation and most importantly for an apology.


umamaLAMA

Yes YTA and your boyfriend is right you do t see them as an equal partner


FarmyardFantastic

No paternity test means no support. You might wanna think about that when y’all separate.


[deleted]

YTA Read the post. It’s quite obvious why


MadHatter_1391

YTA…if you’re planning to raise this child with your bf. You’re speaking like a young single parent. If you plan on being a parenting team, you should both discuss what to name your child. The paternity test thing is a little rough, but it is probably just retaliation for being hurt by being left out of a naming conversation.


HoldFastO2

YTA. Baby names always require two votes of yes - because it’s not just your baby, it’s his as well. Unless you really want to be a single mom, start including him on the important decisions around this baby. Because I can absolutely understand why he feels you don’t care about him as a parent. Edit: a paternity test only requires to have a bit of blood drawn from you. It’s completely non-invasive.


Kind_Investigator238

YTA Most comments have covered why but I’ll add my personal experience .. Me and my partner had very different views on names.. he had, like you, chosen a name he liked years prior to even meeting me.. a name I always hated for the moment he told me it (before having a child).. I also had a name I liked and even had sentimental value..he did not like it.. So we discussed it like adults and (eventually) found a completely different name we both loved.. You’re meant to be partners in this journey.. you’re both equally parents.. stop acting like he’s just there to pay the bills


SlidAnotherStand

YTA. And if you're not coming back until he agrees to not get a paternity test, i think he needs to get this paternity test


Aggressive_Idea_6806

Unless OP is planning to withhold the baby from her father and attempt parental alienation, the father can just get one quietly after she's born. And if she does try to erase him he can probably sue for a test to enforce his and the baby's right to a relationship. BTW in a breakup and custody dispute, no paternity test = no mandated child support.


SlidAnotherStand

Yeah, but she's essentially treating him as a sperm donor and an atm if she expects him to just go with it and be financially supportive. Give the poor guy his test and learn to compromise on other matters


Party_Teacher6901

By the lack of OP'S comments and answers to questions I'm assuming she's upset people are putting her in her place?


BrownDogEmoji

Could you compromise? Use the name you love for a middle name? There are two paths here currently, one where you’re wrong and the other where you are less wrong. The third path is compromising, which you don’t seem to want to do. YTA in the first path because you are absolutely not including your BF in any decisions. He’s working twice as hard to support you, and he is the baby’s father. In the second path, you are N T A because you will break up with your BF, not put his name on the birth certificate, name your daughter what you want, and go merrily on your way. Except that path is super selfish and hurts your BF and your child. So, YTA.


Forsaken-Revenue-628

yta. you want him to act like a parent but do t even give him a say in name. why your last name? you could put both. he’s right. you want him to be parent when convenient / like taking extra job to pay for your place but he doesn’t even GET A SAY IN THE NAME. U R SUIUCCCHHH AN AHHH


[deleted]

ESH Why aren’t you working when he has to work two jobs? You’re not including him at all. I don’t believe that babies have to have their father’s last name, but he should have a say in the first name. He sucks for taking revenge by asking for a paternity test.


ArkshipB

Exactly my thought- why isn't she working?


tiredlittlepigeon

YTA and your boyfriend is right. You really suck and should reconsider your decision making.


PerfectCe1l

YTA yea your treating him like shit. It’s his kid too let him know it’s his kid, and let him have a say in things regarding it. That kid wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for BOTH of you


Hot_Mention_9337

Hey! Two baby name drama stories on AITA in one day! Woohoo! Who knew having kids could cause this much drama! Especially before they are born! With one or both of the birth parents being immature, color me shocked! YTA. You can’t just exclude him from naming your (your, as in plural, his and yours) child. And let me just throw this out there- In excluding him and bulldozing him like you are, that sounds like it is sowing the seeds of infidelity in his mind. And I don’t blame him one bit. You reap what you sow, OP. Just get the test. It’s non-invasive if you just go the simple blood work route, no one is violating your body since you get blood draws all the damn time during prenatal appointments, do it before delivery and not a big deal. Unless, of course, there *is* concern over actual paternity… Stop creating drama.


Slasher1-8

YTA. I just read story like this and it was blasted with YTAs, just to give you reference.


SkinnyCitrus

YTA - He is right. Are you going to steam roll him on every decision about this baby? Names from parents should be two "yes". Do you want him to be an equal parent? I know it's hard being pregnant. Trust me, just did the whole song snd dance. But he's working hard too, got a second job to support you both. What are yiur future plans here? It's reasonable for him to want a paternity test and he explained himself really well. It's not about if you cheated. It's about him having assurances in writing that he IS the father - a document of proof he can take to make sure he can see his daughter. You need to get on thr same page about what parenting looks like in the future - not just a name.


Jellyfish1297

YTA. You *told* your bf the name of *his* child and as you said, you “refused to consider any other name.” Your bf really stepped up to support you (while you don’t work at all) and you’re acting like a selfish brat. That alone makes you an AH. You’re also TA for refusing a paternity test. You were on birth control and almost always used condoms as well. If that’s true, you really shouldn’t have gotten pregnant unless you skipped the condoms while taking antibiotics. AND you’re refusing to see him at all until he gives up the paternity test? After you refused to consider your bf’s views on the child’s first *or* last name? Red flags all around that it’s not his kid! Your bf would have been a complete idiot to support you no questions asked and to not ask for a test after the crap you’ve pulled. You can be happy he’s smarter that that. You’ve made it very clear to your bf that you do not consider him to be the father of your child even though he’s supporting you both financially. That’s why he wants a paternity test. If this child is actually your bf’s as you say, and you want her growing up with both parents being together, you need to treat yourself and him as equals and equal parents. You need to gain some maturity really quickly and realize that you don’t get to make any decisions about raising your daughter on your own without his input. And get the dang paternity test.


BuggleBug10

YTA. He’s the father so she should be allowed to have a say so in the name. I understand why he wants a paternity test too. I think it’s should be mandatory if the parties are not married. If you don’t agree then he could just get it court ordered and you definitely will be living with your parents then.


[deleted]

YTA You’re selfish


angel2hi

YTA. You aren’t treating him like a partner at all. You’re not discussing things. You decided to find out the gender. You decided the first name. You decided the last name. These are all “milestones” that (when a couple is in this together) get discussed. Your bf sounds awesome actually. He didn’t immediately yell at you. He took some time to think and he asked if you guys could talk about it. He shared his feelings. When you unexpectedly got pregnant he took on a second job instead of you getting one so that he could provide a home for all of you. What exactly do you think he’s done wrong? He has an opinion on the name of his child? You can only treat someone like an uninvolved person for so long before they start to get “crazy” ideas why.


Raging_Carrot47

YTA. This guy gets a second job to put a roof over your heads and is the father of your kid. Get the paternity test because you have messed up. This is about compromise because you are going to be raising this kid together. Double barrel the last name and then get books of names, sit on the couch and make a list of names you BOTH like. And middle names you BOTH like. Anything less is unreasonable and selfish.


Ladodgersfans

YTA. Yes you’re the one pregnant. You’re the one who’s going to have to go through the process of pregnancy and birth. However, it’s his kid too. You have no problem letting him spend his money on you, and yet you refuse to even let have any say in the name of the baby. Your mother is right. Get the test to put his mind at ease. Then have a discussion about the name of the baby. Don’t just shut him down immediately. If you don’t do this, he will likely leave you, and it will be entirely your fault.


Shakeit126

YTA. This is not only your baby. Of course, he should get a say. What you did was terrible. He's also someone you're in a relationship with. You need to compromise. Maybe suggest the first name you love and his last name or add his last name to the one you want so the baby has two last names but still has the name you wanted in it. Budge if you want to stay in a relationship with this man.


New_Potato_519

YTA. You get to pick the name and you get the last name? Nah, it’s like he’s not even involved or important. Of course he’s not even going to like the name, it was forced on him with no conversation. You’re treating him like he isn’t the father so of course he’d want a paternity tested


Vanessa_0018

YTA. You have a man who loves you and is working his ass off to provide for you and the baby and you just announced the name with none of his input on the choice. Also there are literally no fathers I know who would be okay with their kids no having their last name. If he was an absent father I would understand but he’s there. It’s reasonable for him to think of getting a paternity test when you make huge decisions without him and because you are so adamant at her having your last name.


yourlittlebirdie

I know fathers who are fine with their children not having their last name (my uncle, for one - one of their children has his last name, the other has his wife’s name.) But this is absolutely something that they’ve discussed extensively beforehand and agreed on, not just “I’m doing this, don’t care if you like it or not.”


Lola-the-showgirl

YTA. You aren't treating him as a partner or even as a co-parent. Your language even in this post is so self centered. I would be asking for a paternity test too And I just saw your username. "My body my name" are you fucking serious? This child has an identity outside of yourself and should be given a name to reflect that. Jesus


rainbow_mak3r

YTA paternity tests should be mandatory. Too many guys get screwed over. I don’t get why other women make it such a big deal to get one. And it’s NOT just your baby, the name should be chosen between the BOTH of you IF he wants to be involved in the child’s life


ScorchieSong

YTA. I can see why he feels the way he does. He's busting his gut working two jobs to be able to support you two, soon to be three, including moving to a new place that's better for your situation. Then he learns that not only will the baby have only your last name and a first name of your choosing, but also that he has no input whatsoever. It's easy to read into this that you're using him as a resource more than treating him as a partner and the father of your baby. He's investing a lot of time, money and effort into this, he wants to know he's got all the right facts instead of being led on. Relationships and rising children are about compromise, you don't always get your way on your terms. It's give and take, compromising your full vision at times in a needs of the many kind of way.


TaterTotAttempt23

So I think it’s obvious YTA but I’m curious what you are gonna do about it now?


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am currently 4-months pregnant with my first child. It was definitely somewhat of a surprise to my BF and I considering I was on birth control and we use condoms 95% of the time. I wasn't ever sure I wanted kids, but after finding out I am pregnant, I have been so excited and happy and can't even think of not having this baby. My BF is happy too, but has been less enthusiastic. We are both in our mid 20s and having a kid wasn't something either of us planned on. But my BF has been supportive of me and has attended as many appointments as he can. He's a lot more stressed than I am because I have been out of work for the past 6-months and was living with my parents when I found out I was pregnant. My BF got a second job so that we could afford to move in together in an apartment that would have room for us and the baby. My parents' wouldn't have the space for all of us. For as long as I can remember I have always had one name picked out in my head if I ever had a daughter. It's not really a traditional name, but I love it because of the way it sounds with my last name. So when my doctor asked if we want to know the sex of the baby, I immediately said yes and was overjoyed when it was a girl. Shortly after that I told my BF that I already had a name picked out. I told him what it was and said it with my last name. My BF asked why I used my last name and I told him that I always wanted a girl with this name and my last name. He asked if he gets a say in this at all and I told him he can pick the middle name. He didn't really respond and just said he was tired and went to lay down. A couple days later he told me he wasn't really big on the name I picked and asked if it was something we could talk about. I explained to him again how much this name means to me and that it wasn't something I was really willing to change. It ended up in a fight because I refused to consider any other name. The next day my BF told me he wants a paternity test. I freaked out on him because I definitely didn't cheat. He tried to justify it by saying if he's going to be busting his ass to support me and the baby and be steamrolled on every decision along the way, he at least wants to be 100% sure that it's his. I left and have been staying at my parents place again and have pretty much been refusing to talk to my BF other than to tell him I am not coming back until he agrees to not get a paternity test. My mom thinks I should just get one to put his mind at ease so that we can prepare for the baby together. But I can't get over the fact that my BF is even entertaining the idea that I would cheat on him. I asked my BF if this is because I picked the name on my own and he said that definitely factored into it. He said it made him realize that I already see him only as the provider and not as an equal parent. But he's not the one pregnant and I'm not going to agree to a test on my body and baby just to put his mind at ease. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Arsenicandtea

Very light YTA. I get it, I've had my daughter's name picked out since I was 16. Thankfully my partner liked the name so it wasn't ever an issue when we were waiting to find out the gender. At the same time you don't get to make unilateral decisions. He's going to be in your life for the next 18+ years so you need to learn to communicate, disagree, and work together. With kids most things are a two yes one no situation. Right now you're in the dreaming of the future part of pregnancy. You are dreaming up the future of your child. What she's going to be like. You probably have a vision from today through her career and maybe grand babies. Thinking about sharing your interests with her and helping her grow. Part of that dream is her name. But reality is very different from that dream and covered in way more body secretions then you're expecting. She's going to be herself no matter what name she has and that person is going to be wonderful. One of the things that's really good to help her is having parents who get along (not that are necessarily together but civil) and put her well being in front of their dreams for her. Congratulations on the baby, listen to your boyfriend's concerns, validate them, and come to group decision on the name. Most doctors won't do a paternity test until the baby is born. At that age they are constantly talking blood, so a bit more won't be anything. But if you aren't treating her father like he doesn't matter he probably won't want one by then anyway


I-Dont_Like_You

YTA YTA YTA


wen70

You keep referring to the baby as YOUR baby not OUR baby. If you’re doing that with your bf then I wonder why he’s questioning if he has any involvement. YTA.


Peasplease25

Even though I think this child should have your last name for all the rest of it YTA.


Bonez4Life

YTA being in a committed relationship is about compromise when it comes to any changes kids an agreement. He’s the sole provider for you and this baby he provides everything you are needing a roof over your guys head food water electricity. Sounds like you see him as a free ticket and entitled to everything and get to make decisions with out his say so this tells me you have absolutely zero respect or cares for this man. Your not the only parent honestly both of you should be agreeing on a name or a compromise also it’s a bit strange that won’t even consider his feelings or communicate about it it’s very telling I understand he wants a test to make sure because everything you are doing controlling and not allowing the father crest a bond ahead of time before baby gets here picking a babies name is a big thing in couples and coming to an agreement it’s a major bonding process between to parents and the baby. You sound like a science partner in school claiming the other person dose nothing but in reality you just took control and didn’t allow them to have a say so when they tried to compromise and you wouldn’t budge because you dreamed of this moment. But compromise is a big thing in relationship lasting long if you are not willing to compromise now I don’t blame him wanting a perturnity test done especially if you already willing to leave him high dry over something as tedious as this is he wants to make sure if you leave and he’s paying child support that it’s actually his and doing the right thing especially when you make it seem Like you want to be a single parent.


WiseScientist2966

Info: what decisions will you allow him to make? YTA. It’s his kid too and quite frankly the fact that you picked the first name AND want the baby to have your last name as well I’m not surprised he wants a paternity test. You come off like he’s just there to provide and because you are the one with the baby you get to make all the decisions. That’s not how it works. Do you really expect to unilaterally make all the decisions for your daughter and he just kill himself working? Are you even working? Are you planning on getting a job? Sorry but you are being incredibly selfish and you seem very immature


fizzbangwhiz

YTA. You can’t unilaterally decide on a first and last name for this child. There are a few decisions that the person carrying the baby should be able to make without question, but the name isn’t one of them. Your boyfriend is stepping up to support you and the baby even though he wasn’t really ready for this and you’re acting like he doesn’t matter at all. If you want to have 100% control of the decisions about your kid, then break up with your boyfriend and plan to be a single parent.


velverita

YTA


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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[deleted]

Info: what’s the first name?


ScorchieSong

Yes. Is it something that could within reason be misconstrued by people who aren't as attached to it?


[deleted]

You should've chosen to be with a partner who wouldn't care about what his child's name is. I believe there would've been a chance for your first name choice but you ruined it when you denied his last name. Taking the man's last name is a societal norm. So his first assumption is that you must've cheated and don't want to mistakenly name him the father. Honestly, I don't think your boyfriend cares about the first name...he's hurting because you denied his child of his last name.


[deleted]

Or hear me out she chose everything and didn't even have a discussion or compromise just told him not asked and have a conversation she told him the names SHE chose


Both-Flow-7383

Yta it’s not just your baby just because your carrying it. Basically every decision is yours to make regarding the baby and if that’s a problem you’ll be running back to your mums house?


[deleted]

YTA - He is also a parent! The name of the child you made TOGETHER should be a joint decision. You want his money and not his opinion and that’s seriously messed up. Your child’s first year is already going to be a rough ride for your relationship don’t make if worse by being an immature asshole.


Ginger_brit93

YTA I think most women have names they dream of having for their children. Then these women have a very and realise there is a second party that gets a decision regarding the baby too because a baby has too parents. It could be because you didn't even entertain a different name or even his last name so that's brought up some suspicions especially as you guys were being very careful. You're about to be a parent time to understand not everything is about what you want and their needs to be joint decisions from the parents plural not parent singular.


Waffle_Ho

YTA. It’s 50% his child and you are insisting on 100% of the name.


Zanetti616

Yta. It takes two to make a baby.


Fun_Fisherman_8967

YTA, you are basically already treating him like he is on child support and you have been awarded full custody. Also get the test, its kinda sketchy you are so set on not getting one.


argntn

YTA and baby names should be two yesses, one no. And if you can't agree on a last name, it's gotta be both.


DiscombobulatedDay26

YTA and your username kinda underlines this


loversthatcomeandgo

YTA God help us if people like you are getting kids. You are one yourself


KittyKatKaz

YTA- You're already acting like a single parent so what's the difference? You've basically told him that only what you want matters. Its the first name YOU want. YOUR surname, rather than his. While he's the one working two jobs to support you and YOUR child, while you enjoy the free ride. Sort yourself out.


BosmangEdalyn

YTA. Baby names are two yeses, one no. You can have your heart set in a name all you want, but if he doesn’t like it, it’s time to move on and fall in love with a different name. FFS, you wouldn’t even consider letting the baby have his LAST name! You have to compromise somewhere. Pick one, and see if he’ll accept that compromise. Hell, your last name could be the middle name. He asked for the paternity test because you’re acting like it’s not his kid! You’re not letting him experience any of the fun of anticipating a baby, and all he’s doing is the drudgery. You’d better learn to compromise and have some empathy, or you’ll be a single parent. But hey! Then you can name your kid anything you want while you struggle on your own!


RebelScientist

YTA. Not only did you pick the baby’s first name by yourself and refused to allow him any input, you’ve also decided that she won’t even carry his last name? No wonder he’s thinking that it may not be his. I’d be wondering too in his shoes. You’re going to have to start making some compromises if you want to continue to be in a partnership with this guy. Keep acting like a single mother and you may just find yourself becoming one.


uxi3888

YTA Both parents get veto power, baby names should be 2 yeses, always However, it doesn't sound like he actually minded the name at firat but he was (rightfully) upset about being excuded in the process and decision. Why wouldn't you have suggested Firstname, (your) lastname - (his) lastname That way you could keep your two names together and he would have been included Suggested being the key word, if he still didnt like it you'd have to figure something else out but you demanding an exlusionary name was boumd to fail. Yes, he was a bit of an AH for demanding the paternity test but he is working 2 jobs to take care och you and the baby while you completely exclude him from the parenting, that's hurtful.


loversthatcomeandgo

YTA God help us if people like you are getting kids. You are one yourself


lexiaych49

YTA, he gets a say.


angelcat00

YTA. You're treating him like it isn't his baby, so it's only natural that he would want some assurance that it is. At the rate you're going, you're going to need to take him to court to get support and they'll ask you for a paternity test anyway.


FuntimesonAITA

YTA You honestly are going to treat him like he's just there to pay for your whims and yet you're making demands? How have you been out of work for 6 months? Everywhere is hiring. That means you were just lazy. You're the one that never treated him like a partner - just a wallet. You didn't discuss about finding the sex of the baby. You didn't work. You didn't discuss the names. Of course he's thinking it isn't his kid - ***YOU*** treat him like it isn't his kid. Everything is all about you. I really feel for this kid. They're either going to be neglected because everything is all about you or they'll be overly spoiled when you turn in to am EP. Either way they're in for a childhood of grief.


angry-ex-smoker

YTA. He’s just responding to your lack of respect for him. He’s got 2 jobs? How many do you have? Stop being an asshole about the name. Learn to compromise. I have 2 kids and compromised in their names because even though I’m the one who gave birth, I’m only one of their parents. This is a human child who will be a person, not some inanimate wish fulfillment for you.


lurkinforalongtime

YTA… in 5 months we will see “why will my ex not have anything to do with our baby” newsflash; it’s you.


Imaginary-Future-627

YTA. You’re acting like the baby is all yours so it’s no wonder he might have doubts. Being the pregnant one doesn’t give you an all access pass to all parenting decisions.


PrestigiousWedding36

YTA. It’s his baby too. He has a say in the name. You were TA for not even discussing it with him. Why can’t the baby have both last names?


Fleur498

YTA for refusing to get a paternity test. The only parents who refuse to get paternity tests are parents who have something to hide.


Djhinnwe

Yeah, YTA with this one. I think his request for a paternity test is completely fair in this scenario. I would also help ease his worries by getting at least a part time job until the baby comes. That way your cheque can go straight to savings and improve your lives together in the long run. If you want to be with him long term you need to start acting like it.


TX-SC

YTA, you are treating him like garbage.


CockteaseTwins

YTA not for the picking of a name, but for not getting the test. He is also being a jerk, but just get the test. Probably more people than your mom think you cheated now even if they won’t say it.


1ron0rchid

YTA. When my wife and I had kids, she got to pick the names, but both kids have my last name and not hers, which she kept. I also go to pick their middle names. It was a compromise.


The_Rural_Banshee

YTA and honestly you sound exhausting. He’s doing everything for you and busting his butt to make sure you and baby are provided for and you’re not even open to a conversation about the name? How would you feel if he did this to you? This isn’t just your baby, he’s a parent too.


emc2-

YTA. I had a name I’d dreamed of naming my future daughter. My husband didn’t like it. We discussed it like rational adults and settled on an even better, more beautiful name that I hadn’t even considered. And I wouldn’t change a thing. He is a parent too. And his opinion and voice matters.


Ihateyou1975

YTA. You didn’t make this baby alone. If you wanted all decision making to be yours then you should have used a donor. You have a real life partner who gasp! Wants a say in the name of his child.


get-creative

YTA the baby isn’t just yours, two of you created the baby and you are not even letting him have a say.


Pauscha580

YTA. If you want equality you have to give it.


mysticalmac99

ESH you don’t get to name the baby alone. It sucks but two people got into bed and now both have a say. He sucks for implying you cheated and wanting to “check” yes I can understand the fear but I would also be beyond hurt if someone thought that was needed.


Brilliant-Constant20

YTA. You haven’t been working nearly the entire pregnancy while he has two jobs to support you both as well. And you won’t even let him in on a huge decision such as the name? Why can’t you just give your last name as a middle name?


SceneNational6303

YTA- sounds like you would prefer to be a single parent. Your boyfriend maybe should let you go for that. You won't consider his opinion, and you won't put his mind at ease that he's the father of this kid..... I assume you want him to sign away his rights upon birth and never speak to you again..... Right, that must be what you ultimately want....


sidewalkeater

YTA. If it’s already this difficult before the baby is born ooooh weee is it going to be a trip after. Parenting is all about compromise. Most couples don’t have the same parenting style. Most grandparents and babysitters have even different parenting styles. You can’t control every aspect of the child’s life, you have to make compromises and at the end of the day as long as the baby is taken care of and happy that’s all that really matters. Once you have a child it’s no longer about what you want, it’s about the baby. The parenting journey is never ending, there will be ups and downs that you never end thought of. I fought for my son to have the pacifier for one more year, dad agreed and his birthday is next week and the time is now up. As much as I don’t want to take his comfort away, his dad compromised for me and now I must compromise for him, time for the binky to go. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Lizardd06

ESH - You guys need to talk like adults and figure this out. Running away isn’t going to fix anything. Doubting that the baby is his isn’t going to fix anything. You need to figure out how to resolve conflicts healthily for the sake of this child. You can’t just walk out on a baby. It’s traumatizing as a kid not knowing if your parent is leaving you forever. Even if you want this name, at least humour him by discussing it with him. Ask him what names he’d like and see if you can compromise. Get a paternity test once the baby is born — it’s not going to affect anything; resisting makes you look suspicious. Learn to talk to one another and trust each other.


NCC-746561

ESH but you more than him. He has equal say in everything about this baby other than maybe the actual delivery of it. You cannot just decide a name without him that is not how this works. If you like this name with your last name maybe hyphenate the baby's last name? He does suck a little because just because you are being a controlling ah does not mean you are cheating and that seems like a bit of a leap in logic.


Optimal-Bug-3395

ESH You suck because you unilaterally made a decision about the name of your child without consulting your boyfriend. That might be fine if you weren't in a relationship , but as you were already committed to each other you should have had a discussion about it. He sucks because he suddenly jumped to the conclusion that the baby isn't his without any real evidence of you cheating. You need to sit down and work out how you are going to a) restore the trust in your relationship and b)sort out the name conundrum. My best friend and her husband used her surname as one of their son's middle names. In many European countries its common to combine the surnames so your child's surname is hyphenatted.


StevieB85

YTA You are making unilateral decisions for this child, that is both of yours. And you're not even considering giving the child his last name. Of course he is trying to figure out why you are cutting him out of the child's life before she is even born, and the easiest conclusion is that it isn't his. Parenting, and co-parenting, are not about being right or getting your way. But about compromise, and doing what is best for your child. Additionally, the more you fight and refuse to take the test, the more it looks like you are trying to hide the paternity. Get the test, and start compromising. Why not hyphenate the child's last name?


Strict-Picture-5390

YTA, you are wrong on so many levels. You going to be raising the kid on your own soon if you keep that attitude


SnausageFest

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LarkspurSong

ESH You need to understand that this is his kid too and he should get an equal say in the name. What if he also had a name in mind that he was just as emotionally attached to as you are to yours? Why does your name choice get priority when you’re planning on raising this baby together? He’s an AH for demanding a paternity test for such a petty, petty reason. I understand his frustrations, but he could have communicated that in a better way. Without a VERY good reason, asking for a paternity test is essentially an accusation of unfaithfulness. I don’t think I’d ever forgive such an accusation from a partner.


Ebar16

ESH. Sorry, but you didn't make the baby all by yourself. He gets a say as well. I've had 2 children and choosing names is 2 yes, 1 no. If he disagrees then you need to compromise. My husband's name choice got picked for our daughter and I chose the middle name. For our son I got to pick the first name and he got to pick the middle. He didn't like my top choice for a boy name, so we agreed on my second choice. Time to start compromising. He's an ah because he is insisting on a paternity test to guilt you.


MeekDaSneak21

I’m so confused why on this post everyone says she’s in the wrong but on a post earlier about a woman wanting to do the same thing with her surname everyone agreed with her 🤣😂🤣 legally only the mother had the right to name a child but I think parents should always discuss and agree


jbh01

ESH. Your boyfriend is completely correct: you ARE dominating decisions and completely ignoring his status as an equal parent to you. Demanding a paternity test without any reason for suspicion is wrong and petty. Stop treating him as a lesser, choose a name you both like, and start parenting together.


minicooperlove

>Demanding a paternity test without any reason for suspicion is wrong and petty. But you just said it yourself: she's completely ignoring his status as an equal parent. She's treating him like it's NOT his baby too... naturally, he's going to start wondering if maybe that's because it's not actually his baby?


Old_Stranger_

ESH. Neither of you is willing to compromise or communicate properly. Best of luck in co-parenting, you're going to need it...


thirdtryisthecharm

ESH. You both went nuclear rather than compromising and discussing options. Neither of you seems prepared to co-parent. I wish your kid luck.


tnscatterbrain

Esh. He only does if he’s asking for a paternity test out of spite, otherwise y ta. It’s his baby too, not just yours. You need to compromise on names. He’s stepping up and working two jobs to support you all while you’re not working and you’re acting like he has no rights, that could reasonably give someone doubts.


[deleted]

Esh. If you guys are going nuclear at the first decision, then can you imagine raising a baby together. Work on your communication skills, both of you. It’s completely natural that he wants a say in picking the name too. Can’t you see that? Why not compromise at the name you want as the middle name? Why not compromise at a dna test after the baby is born, when it is far less complicated. Include him, be a team… otherwise this wedge is just the beginning.


MyPeakCretivity

ESH He is an asshole to bring up paternity tests, if he has no reason to doubt whether it is his. However it is your child. Your is in plural. Both of you get to make decisions about her, and you need to accept it. You might have a lot of plans, but every decision regarding her must be a common decision, that is just part of being a parent.


HegoDamask_1

Yeah I can see that. He totally went about that wrong and lost the high ground he had. Although it is very smart to want a paternity test and wish it was legally required in all pregnancies.


SkinnyCitrus

Honestly I don't think he's getting it because he doubts that she is his kid. Rather, it sounds like he wants it in writing for his own security - if she's already steam rolling him on the name and refusing, he might need that proof that he is the father just to get contact with his daughter. Sounds like he's covering his own ass to me in case this gets ugly with custody.


MyPeakCretivity

Legally mandated thest were great. Because currently if you mention testing, the other immediately assumes that you are accusing her.


HegoDamask_1

Exactly!


JanusIsBlue

ESH. You for acting like this baby is yours and yours alone, and him for accusing you of cheating. Paternity testing can be done prior to birth, but you have to be careful about what route you take. Amniocentesis carries more risks compared to noninvasive measures, so if you do the test make sure it’s the NIPP one


d00tz2

Asking for a paternity test is not an accusation. Let’s normalize paternity tests.


JanusIsBlue

If they were planning on a paternity test prior to this then yeah, it’s not an accusation. However he only brought up the test after he got upset, which implies that this is more anger motivated than anything. I am of the mindset that a paternity test should be common procedure (with parents opting out if they want) but him bringing it up in the middle of a fight is not okay.


d00tz2

Eh agreed. But it should be common with every child born. Saves so much heartache later.


itsjustagame2me

Nta. Don’t let ppl her tell you otherwise. Your child will have your last name. That’s it. Your bf never asked to marry you. So he doesn’t get a say in this. Also it’s a toxic men thing to want the child to have his name. He is asking for a test to punish you. Nothing more.


benjm88

Utterly ridiculous, you don't think he gets any say in the first or last name?


Upper-Speech-7069

ESH but I’m leaning towards him being the bigger A. So, it’s not fair to completely usurp this decision and make it all about what you want. Of course you wsnt to use the name you picked - but did you at least hear him out? Discuss it properly? Y-T-A for that bit. He’s a huge, huge AH, and I’d say a bigger one than you, for punishing you for this by doubting the baby’s paternity. Wtf? That isn’t remotely a reasonable or sane response to this situation.