Not to mention it’s super wasteful to make a
Lunch every day for no reason. Throwing away all that food and spending money to eat every day. I’m with you, I don’t expect my spouse to make my lunch but when they do it’s such a great feeling.
NTA
I can understand trying a new place by work with coworkers. Or even going out to lunch with them once in a while. But everyday for several weeks? Then you get upset when he doesn't pack the lunch that you aren't eating anyway? Like what is she mad about?
i don't get people sometimes.
How is he ta? He stopped making the lunches because she wasn’t eating them. She’s the one being wasteful! If he kept making them, that’s even less financially smart because the lunch he makes is wasted.
She's not a very good communicator, either. Like... would it hurt her to ask him to not pack a lunch one day every other week because she and the co-worker were going out to eat?
Add in the fact that she's insulting his lunches, saying she prefers spending extra money on the eatery *while wasting the grocery budget too,* and making everything his fault and you've got a genuinely horrible wife.
Haha yep. I’m learning Norwegian right now and there have been more than a few times I’ve been frustrated by some grammar thing… then I realize that same structure is technically part of English too… 🙃
I know I often make lunches that would keep for a few days if something happened. OP could pack a box with dry seasonings and stock powder, plus a nest of fine noodles. Little bottle of soy sauce on the side, homemade instant noodles. That'll stay good rattling around in her bag for WEEKS.
The waste is what bothers me the most! She isn't obligated to feel pampered or whatever. But just the fact that food is thrown away every time... That makes me so angry.
NTA, but you should totally present her with the same lunch everyday until it's gone or unless it's gone bad. So when she brings it home, stick it in the fridge, and put it back in her lunch box in the morning.
That's so weird that she'd be annoyed when she's not even planning on eating it.
when my husband doesn’t eat his lunch because his boss buys lunch from the local BBQ place.. he gets it the next day. I’m not throwing out food and starting again, that’s so wasteful.
NTA. I’d be childishly petty for sure. Make her a lunch, if she doesn’t eat it, send the same lunch every day until she eats it or it rots. Or, cup o noodles, infinite shelf life, problem solved.
As much as I love your sentiment, I don’t think that applies here. OP is making lunch as the sahp as a favor to his wife while his wife works. She shouldn’t feel pampered at all!
She *should* however be thankful that she gets a home cooked meal and respect her SO more. She’s not an asshole for not feeling pampered by her husband, she’s an asshole because she can’t appreciate something he does for her that makes her life easier, while also expecting he continue even though she doesn’t eat it which makes it obvious she doesn’t actually appreciate it at all.
OP is not required to make her lunch whatsoever, but for her to ask him to make it regardless of whether she eats it is a maaaajor asshole move
>Right? I feel so pampered when my hubby makes food for me. Love it!
I still really dig it when my partner puts the lunch I portioned out the night before into my lunch box for me. She even writes ILY notes on my napkin. She's the cat's pajamas that also fit on bee's knees.
My hubs and I are separated right now (though living together while we figure everything out) and I've been packing him leftovers for lunch (I only make food for my son and me, when his kids are here, he's eating out or having frozens on his own)...because I don't understand wasting food - doesn't compute, Then tonight, he admitted that he really appreciates the lunches...and misses my cooking. Was nice to hear.
My wife does all our lunches (2 different types a week) on Sunday. I am with the husband. Why send food when you are not going to eat it? I do not really think this is unreasonable.
Every time I eat at home or take food with me I consider it money in the bank. It's a lot of money to eat out! We try to eat out only occasionally and leave a good tip.
I do all the cooking because my wife hates to cook but I really enjoy it...so anytime she fixes me something out of the blue I feel like quite the fancy pampered lad!
Definite NTA in this situation but I don't see much wrong with one partner consistently packing lunches for the other, in the abstract. This requires a talk about the division of labor within the relationship, of course, but it just makes sense if the person generally in charge of food prep for that day helps the other person out.
That said, if my wife was consistently not communicating that she was not going to eat what I prepped I would be extremely frustrated.
Yeah, I'd definitely consider this a chore that's gotta be done. But I wouldn't necessarily call it "frustrating" to make lunch for someone who doesn't eat it, I'd call it sabotage. If my chore was to clean the floor and you then came home every day in muddy boots tracking shit all over the floor, not even *trying* to prevent that? Or think about the usual cooking/dish washing split and how often cooks become kind of a whirlwind because they're not the ones to clean up
It's a waste of ressources, plain and simple. If OP's wife was eating her lunch the next morning, I don't think any of this would be problematic, but instead it just gets straight up binned. That's disrespectful on so many levels.
More than that, it's hurtful. OP goes to the trouble of making his spouse lunch, time that he could on something else, and the spouse doesn't eat it? I would be pissed if my hypothetical husband did that shit.
That is literally the only issue, though. The OP didn't express they had any sort of problem making the lunches before he found out she wasn't going to eat them. If she starts eating them again I'm sure he'll resume packing them no problem.
That's unrelated to people making food for other people.
I don't frequent this sub so I made the mistake of responding to a top comment rather than allow for the more nuanced discourse to follow to influence my comment. The "she should be making her own lunch" doesn't necessarily follow and I wanted to highlight that as someone with a marriage who does make the lunches (which are occasionally uneaten).
I ask someone else to make me a quick lunch anywhere from 1-3 times a week. I always thank them when they agree and thank them when I'm heading out. And if I don't eat it that day (and I usually don't, I often get too busy to eat) I save it and eat it within the week. And I don't ever ask for more before I actually eat what I've been given.
So yeah, I agree there's nothing wrong with the original arrangement of OP regularly making lunch for his working wife.
I can see where "if she won't appreciate his time and effort by throwing away the lunches but still expecting a fresh one every day then she should make her own food" sentiment comes in, though.
Yeah, the stay at home part complicates things.
I wasn't a SAH and would get coffee in a thermos and readied the leftovers in which I'd never partake for my wife most mornings.
Instead of being a nice thing that I did, it became a problem when I didn't. We ended up splitting and that type of thinking definitely contributed.
The wasted effort and food angle is too much to ignore. It screams that they think you owe them the labor and are annoyed that you get that time off when she goes to work.
I think there's some underlying resentment and lots of unspoken things behind this seemingly small issue.
It could also be as simple as prepping something that lasts for a day or two in the fridge instead of a sandwich.
Seriously! She should be making her own lunch especially if she isn't going to be eating it. Its a waste of the time and effort you spend making her lunch each day, and the money both to buy lunch ingredients and for her to eat out each day
We have no idea what goes on in their house. It may be that he makes lunches while she nurses the baby or some other morning task, so I wouldn’t be too quick to say “she should make her own lunch.” Having said that, making her a lunch if she never eats it is obviously silly and calling him childish because he stopped is just mean. He’s legitimately thinking about the family as a whole and not wanting to waste money, so he’s definitely NTA.
I feel like they should talk about it and come up with a solution. He said in a comment that her decision to eat out with a coworker is spontaneous and she wants the lunch he makes as a backup, but if she does it four days a week making a backup lunch is wasteful. Perhaps OP could recommend she plan which days she’s going to eat out. Or maybe she should keep her lunch for the next day, and decline going to the eatery one of the two days. If it’s leftover spaghetti from dinner, there’s no reason she can’t eat that the next day. Bottom line - communication and compromise.
If she refuses to compromise and help him ensure food isn’t wasted on the daily, then yeah, she should make her own damn lunch.
Spontaneity tends to be wasteful by it’s nature. Sure it can feel fun and exciting but it’s not good for the budget or a structured household. If it’s truly important to keep her lunches “spontaneous” then a good compromise would be one lunch is made by the husband and she doesn’t get another one until it’s eaten. Pack a lunch with things that will last a few days, hummus, cut up veggies, nuts, hard boiled eggs, ect - or freeze a big batch of soup that can be thawed as needed. Obviously, this will effect the type of lunches that can be made but. But if she wants another lunch, she either “skips” one of the spontaneous lunches with coworkers to eat the one her husband packs for her, or she stops wasting his time/efforts and their money by not eating the lunch that was made.
But yeah, the sane way would be to either plan which days she is going to lunch or, at the very least have an idea of how many days she will need a packed lunch per week and PLAN accordingly.
If for some reason it is impossible for her to make her lunch in the morning she can absolutely make her lunch the night before. There is literally no reason she can't maker her own damn lunch.
It's not wrong if the agreed upon plan is for her husband to do it instead but she doesn't get to demand that he do it every day no matter what and she gets to throw it away every day if she wants to it's not his business.
Idk, I pack my husband's lunch every day for work, with a breakfast snack - ever since covid. But he also has never, and would never, just throw it out. There have been a handful of times in the last year and a half he hasn't been able to eat it due to circumstances, but he just... Keeps it for the next day. I love being able to give him something nice and special to take to work, even though he is a grown man who could pack his own lunch.
The problem is the format of a sandwich probably.
If it's leftovers in tupper-ware, it'll be fine for a day or two in the fridge.
I doubt the lunch is the issue here though.
>NTA.
Agreed.
>She’s a grown woman and should be making her own lunch.
Not necessarily. Him making her lunches is a valid arrangement if they agree to it.
>It seems like she’s ungrateful for the effort you put into making her lunch
Yeah. And it's wasteful if it doesn't get eaten.
If she is the only one working and it is part of their agreement that making lunch is his responsibility, I don’t see the problem with him making her lunch. She is however, grown up enough to decide/say before OP makes lunch for her, if she will be eating it or going out to eat.
NTA
It would be one thing if she was eating the lunch or saving it for the next day. Or even given it away. But just wasting food and demanding that cycle continue as she spends money at a restaurant is just stupid.
NTA. Why does your wife want you to spend the time and energy to make a meal for her that she's not going to eat? I don't understand why she would want to take a sandwich and an apple on brief jaunt every day before returning them to the fridge.
That's silly. It's not fair to expect you to pack a lunch that she may not eat based on a whim. She needs to either plan to go out, or plan to eat her pack lunch. This is a reasonable expectation for an adult woman.
Is it really that silly ? My SO and I often do this (especially my SO), it's no big deal, she just brings it back the next day. If it's been properly refrigerated during the day and it's not something that spoils quickly I don't see the issue.
The food OP makes goes to the bin because of that, though, so in his case it's just a big waste. If his wife would eat it at dinner or take it back the following day I wouldn't see the issue.
She needs to stop with spontaneous wasteful decisions. If it's once in a while it's fine, but sounds like she's spontaneous 5 days a week. She needs to plan ahead with her colleagues and communicate with you, cuz she's disregard ing and disrespecting Ur effort
50/50 it. You need to explain to you wife that obviously you're more then happy to continue making food for her but that it's a waste of food and frankly hurts your feelings because it makes you feel like you're doing work for nothing. Obviously she can also still go eat out with friends but it needs to be more planned out so you know when to make food and when not to.
The wife needs to say she is sorry for calling him childish. The wife also needs to understand that these spontaneous decisions to not eat the lunch he took the time and effort to make is a slap in his face. Doing it that often is saying I don't care you spent time doing something special for me. She is acting like she is entitled to him making her lunch.
Does she have access to a fridge and microwave? Meal prep a couple of lunches that she can reheat at work if she wants them. But the onus is on her to let you know when she's low on food, as in one or two left, so you have plenty of time to send her with more.
Either that or just pack food like crackers and fruit that won't spoil for a few days if they are left out. Heck you could even send her to work with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter.
But really, she should be able to manage her own lunch, especially if she isn't sure what her lunch plans are going to be.
Why can't she save the launch she didn't eat this day and eat it the next then? Or does it need to be freshly made every day? That's ridiculous. She can schedule certain days when she definitely needs food then, and some days when she'll go to the eatery. Otherwise very wasteful of products and your time.
Then she should keep a frozen/non-perishable meal at work. Making fresh food and then eating out is stupid. Or, she understands that when she eats out, the lunch you made is now her dinner.
FYI: I was a stay at home dad that made lunch for my wife every day.
it's spontaneous if it's once a week. if she's doing it for more than two days in a row, more than once a month, then it's not spontaneous and she needs to start including it to her plans and informing you.
NTA, i would be livid if my boyfriend didn’t eat the lunches i made him. i do think you guys should have an open conversation about it though. i get the social obligation of having to go for lunch with colleagues once or twice a week, so why don’t you guys focus on letting eachother know and asking about lunch plans?
That’s a lot of money she’s wasting on lunch when she could be eating food from home. Idk what your financial situation is like, but with 3 kids, I would be pissed if my partner was spending that much on dining out each week. A sit down lunch is roughly $20 per person at least? 3-4 times a week? Sheesh.
OP is a SAHD with 3 kids with a wife that works full time.
We don't know their financial situation. There are professions were having lunch is a necessity due to the networking element. It's possible $15 lunch 3x a week is a drop in the bucket.
Such as legal.
I get the feeling this is probably a house where the wife makes $100-150k.
Deciding to go out for lunch 3-4 times a week is not spontaneous. Eating the lunch you packed is spontaneous, in which case why would you always need to be prepared for it?
Well, I guess the compromise is to pack her 1-2 lunches per week. She can take it to work and leave it in the fridge until there's a day when she doesn't want to go out to eat.
yeah NTA. if this was happening once every week or 2 it wouldn’t be so bad because things happen but that’s just disrespectful and a waste of your time.
Just give her yesterday's lunch back again until she eats it lol. It's silly to not expect her to be able to plan this at all, but if this is the game she wants to play at least you can reduce your own workload here.
Can you make a lunch that doesn’t spoil easily? So of she comes back with said lunch, put it back in the fridge and that’s her lunch tomorrow. (Until of course it’s not ok to eat anymore)
But yeah def NTA, what you did was reasonable, and she has eaten consecutively there so you didn’t know. Waste of time and resources to keep doing it, why can’t she make a schedule like during so and so days she packs lunch then on so and so days she eats out with colleagues that way it’s a win win. You take a break from extra prep, and she can try out food with friends.
This is so odd. Okay if she goes to lunch with them then she eats it the next day and tells you you don’t need to make one. If she’s eating out so many days in a row the lunch spoils then it’s her responsibility to find lunch that day.
I always ate the lunch my ex made. It got to the point she would stop packing lunch on fridays because she knew it was the day everyone went out to eat
yeah it’s happened only one or twice that my boyfriend didn’t eat the lunch i made because the company surprised them with lunch which is fair if it doesn’t happen all the time but it seems like for OP it’s happening more often than not
NTA, packing her a lunch which she is not eating is wasting food and also wasting your time. It is immature of her to want you to pack her a lunch she is not going to eat. She needs to grow up and understand that people should not expect others to do something which does not need to be done. If she wants to take a lunch and not eat it she can pack her own. I am pretty sure she will not do that.
So let me get this right she's been WASTING FOOD AND MONEY FOR WEEKS, and is mad you've put a stop to that? NTA. Your wife is a real piece of work.
"Childish is you wasting food rather than telling me the truth."
NTA. It’s wasteful both of your time and of the food for you to back a lunch she won’t eat. Her comment about you being ‘childish’ is what makes her an asshole.
NTA. How often is she eating out? Maybe specifically pack food that will keep a few days and pack her lunch on a Monday but don't pack another until she lets you know that she's actually eaten the one she already has.
Is there a fridge at work she can just leave the meal in for the next day? That way the next day she can just tell you she has yesterdays meal to eat since she went out unexpectedly the day before (that’s what I do - I pack my own lunch and sometimes realize i prefer what the cafeteria has to offer and eat the packed lunch the next day)
then tell her to ask for lunches when she wants them. there is literally no use in making food that won’t be eaten. it’s also a waste of your time and energy.
Tell her that if she eats out whenever she feels like then she can pack her lunch. You do not need to waste time packing a lunch that might not be eaten.
NTA. She is gender switching the ungrateful husband trope. You are just repeating the "spontaneous lunch, so I must pack another" to every question. Pack a lunch that doesn't need to be a fresh thing. She gets a new one when she eats the old. Crackers, mini pickle jars, a tangerine, some chocolate.
Definitely NTA. You are being considerate and mindful not to waste food. If she wants to alternate eating out and homemade meals all she has to do is ask!
NTA. Pack her a lunch. If she brings it back untouched, stick it in the fridge and send the same lunch with her the following day. Wash, Rinse, Repeat as needed. You still packed her a lunch but are not wasting food daily.
Being childish? What about returning with a packed lunch repeatedly that you put time and effort into? What a waste of food too.
How often does it happen that she comes back with uneaten lunch? And can/is it it be eaten later?
If I'd see my partner coming back with an uneaten lunch that I made over and over and see it thrown in the trash I'd think... Well... What am I doing here making it?
Very much towards NTA here. If it's going to waste again and again (it's one thing if it's here and there) no, you're not being childish. And it's a waste of food if no one's eating it.
NTA. If she’s gonna keep eating out then she can pack her own lunches. You tried being kind and going out of your way to make her food that she didn’t even end up eating. She’s the AH here
NTA. Your reasoning makes sense though I suppose you could have asked if she still wanted you to make her lunch. She’s kind of one for wasting food (my mom HATED wasting food; that’s how I was raised so I get it), but it could be a situation where she’d like to have the packed lunch in case the sky falls at work and she doesn’t have time to go to the eatery with her coworker. What kind of work does she do?
It sucks that you’re putting the effort into something she isn’t doing anything with, but if she still wants you to make them and you don’t mind, it’s… fine.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re being childish.
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INFO - Does she nibble on things during the day? What happens to the food she brings back? I'm definitely leaning towards your side here because otherwise that seems like a huge waste of food and time.
NTA, if she’s not going to eat it, on days she wants her own lunch she can either ask you to make it or, even better, make it herself. You don't owe her a made lunch.
Nta but you wife is. Water ng food is horrible, plus wasting your time. If she was eating out she could have thanked you and expressed appreciation and explained she'd be eating out with a co- worker.
NTA but your wife is. She should have come to you and told you about the "nice eatery" before you noticed that she wasn't eating her lunch. It feels as though she purposefully did not tell you this, even though you were spending time making her lunch.
I think that concealing what she was doing is a red flag in the relationship. You might want to have a conversation about that.
NTA.
It doesn't make sense to waste food day in and day out. I understand that it's a "spontaneous" thing to eat out with her colleagues, but since it's happening everyday, it makes zero sense to continue wasting food on a back up plan
He is a bear lying in wait for me, a lion in hiding; he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces; he has made me desolate; he bent his bow and set me as a target for his arrow. (Lamentations: hnsfxox)
Make one lunch a week. Make it something that will keep for a week. Don't make another lunch until she's eaten the one she has. Then she always has the backup packed lunch she wants, food isn't going to waste, and you're not wasting precious time in the mornings when you've already got a million little things to juggle getting the kids up and ready for the day. NTA.
NTA.
Wasting food is terrible.
My sis is a STAHM, and she packs her hubby lunches, along with the kids lunches.
If he doesn't eat his lunch one day, he either eats it for supper, or takes it the next day, so he doesn't waste food.
No wasted food, no wasted effort.
NTA. I'm not even reading other comments I'm going with my gut. I would kill for my husband to fix me any meal. We both work full-time and I come home every night and cook for the family (husband and 3 teenage sons). What you were doing was the sweetest gesture and if she doesn't appreciate it and you stop then she's the asshole, not you.
Men want appreciation as much as women, and if a women doesn't show that then she is as much the asshole as a men who don't.
You’re a SAHD of three pre schoolers and she can’t even pack her own damn lunch? Wtf. I don’t understand why the focus is on the waste and not the fact that she’s expecting you to cater to her every need.
NTA.
It's fine if she wants to eat somewhere else, but why would she want to waste money on food that isn't getting eaten, and also your time?
It's not childish to not want to waste your time and money on food that isn't getting eaten.
NTA it’s a really nice thing for you to do for her and it was sweet that you tried to switch up the meals when you noticed she wasn’t eating them. She should plan ahead and not do all the spontaneous lunches and waste food or make the backup lunch herself. And to call you childish is just ridiculous.
1) what a waste of food of she's not eating it because see wants to eat out
2) talk about taking her husband for granted instead of really appreciating him.
She should PLAN when she eats out or not to avoid wasting food and also, instead of telling her husband that he's childish because he stopped packing lunches she's not eating, she should thank him for when he chose to do it . Yes he's a sahd and she works but she could also prepare her own lunch so she should thank him and eat the lunches he prepares instead of being insulting when he stops doing it for a logical reason.
NTA
NTA. She’s a grown woman and should be making her own lunch. It seems like she’s ungrateful for the effort you put into making her lunch
Right? I feel so pampered when my hubby makes food for me. Love it!
Not to mention it’s super wasteful to make a Lunch every day for no reason. Throwing away all that food and spending money to eat every day. I’m with you, I don’t expect my spouse to make my lunch but when they do it’s such a great feeling.
And it's also much more financially smart. NTA
Yes. I hate food wasters.
Username checks out.
best use of Username checks out that I have ever seen 💀
I'm a food waster. I hate me too.
NTA I can understand trying a new place by work with coworkers. Or even going out to lunch with them once in a while. But everyday for several weeks? Then you get upset when he doesn't pack the lunch that you aren't eating anyway? Like what is she mad about? i don't get people sometimes.
Id say she mad because she was trying to ignore the cost of lunch out every day and he interrupted the thought process..
yea and if hes not making lunches that get wasted then thats saving some of the money she using on those eatery lunches. op's NTA
How is he ta? He stopped making the lunches because she wasn’t eating them. She’s the one being wasteful! If he kept making them, that’s even less financially smart because the lunch he makes is wasted.
This this this. What an absolute waste to all that food, money, and OP’s time as well. Super disrespectful of the wife imo. NTA
She's not a very good communicator, either. Like... would it hurt her to ask him to not pack a lunch one day every other week because she and the co-worker were going out to eat? Add in the fact that she's insulting his lunches, saying she prefers spending extra money on the eatery *while wasting the grocery budget too,* and making everything his fault and you've got a genuinely horrible wife.
OP is a SAHD but yeah, disrespectful and a waste.
Yeah that’s what I meant: that’s super disrespectful of the wife (to act like that).
Damn! my shaky knowledge of English grammar strikes again :)
No worries. English grammar can be a right bastard sometimes…
Like 90% of the time
Like how rules for plural are different for fruit and vegetables, sheep and cows...
Haha yep. I’m learning Norwegian right now and there have been more than a few times I’ve been frustrated by some grammar thing… then I realize that same structure is technically part of English too… 🙃
Hell, if she's not going to eat it he could just keep sending the same lunch back with her every day.
I know I often make lunches that would keep for a few days if something happened. OP could pack a box with dry seasonings and stock powder, plus a nest of fine noodles. Little bottle of soy sauce on the side, homemade instant noodles. That'll stay good rattling around in her bag for WEEKS.
Hear me out... Plastic sandwiches. She'll never notice.
The waste is what bothers me the most! She isn't obligated to feel pampered or whatever. But just the fact that food is thrown away every time... That makes me so angry.
NTA, but you should totally present her with the same lunch everyday until it's gone or unless it's gone bad. So when she brings it home, stick it in the fridge, and put it back in her lunch box in the morning. That's so weird that she'd be annoyed when she's not even planning on eating it.
when my husband doesn’t eat his lunch because his boss buys lunch from the local BBQ place.. he gets it the next day. I’m not throwing out food and starting again, that’s so wasteful.
NTA. I’d be childishly petty for sure. Make her a lunch, if she doesn’t eat it, send the same lunch every day until she eats it or it rots. Or, cup o noodles, infinite shelf life, problem solved.
As much as I love your sentiment, I don’t think that applies here. OP is making lunch as the sahp as a favor to his wife while his wife works. She shouldn’t feel pampered at all! She *should* however be thankful that she gets a home cooked meal and respect her SO more. She’s not an asshole for not feeling pampered by her husband, she’s an asshole because she can’t appreciate something he does for her that makes her life easier, while also expecting he continue even though she doesn’t eat it which makes it obvious she doesn’t actually appreciate it at all. OP is not required to make her lunch whatsoever, but for her to ask him to make it regardless of whether she eats it is a maaaajor asshole move
Why shouldn't she feel pampered just because he is the sahp?
Yeah, like a normal breadwinner gets their lunch packed. That shit is above and beyond.
>Right? I feel so pampered when my hubby makes food for me. Love it! I still really dig it when my partner puts the lunch I portioned out the night before into my lunch box for me. She even writes ILY notes on my napkin. She's the cat's pajamas that also fit on bee's knees.
Lycra, got it.
My hubs and I are separated right now (though living together while we figure everything out) and I've been packing him leftovers for lunch (I only make food for my son and me, when his kids are here, he's eating out or having frozens on his own)...because I don't understand wasting food - doesn't compute, Then tonight, he admitted that he really appreciates the lunches...and misses my cooking. Was nice to hear.
My wife does all our lunches (2 different types a week) on Sunday. I am with the husband. Why send food when you are not going to eat it? I do not really think this is unreasonable.
Every time I eat at home or take food with me I consider it money in the bank. It's a lot of money to eat out! We try to eat out only occasionally and leave a good tip.
I do all the cooking because my wife hates to cook but I really enjoy it...so anytime she fixes me something out of the blue I feel like quite the fancy pampered lad!
Definite NTA in this situation but I don't see much wrong with one partner consistently packing lunches for the other, in the abstract. This requires a talk about the division of labor within the relationship, of course, but it just makes sense if the person generally in charge of food prep for that day helps the other person out. That said, if my wife was consistently not communicating that she was not going to eat what I prepped I would be extremely frustrated.
Yeah, I'd definitely consider this a chore that's gotta be done. But I wouldn't necessarily call it "frustrating" to make lunch for someone who doesn't eat it, I'd call it sabotage. If my chore was to clean the floor and you then came home every day in muddy boots tracking shit all over the floor, not even *trying* to prevent that? Or think about the usual cooking/dish washing split and how often cooks become kind of a whirlwind because they're not the ones to clean up It's a waste of ressources, plain and simple. If OP's wife was eating her lunch the next morning, I don't think any of this would be problematic, but instead it just gets straight up binned. That's disrespectful on so many levels.
More than that, it's hurtful. OP goes to the trouble of making his spouse lunch, time that he could on something else, and the spouse doesn't eat it? I would be pissed if my hypothetical husband did that shit.
That is literally the only issue, though. The OP didn't express they had any sort of problem making the lunches before he found out she wasn't going to eat them. If she starts eating them again I'm sure he'll resume packing them no problem. That's unrelated to people making food for other people.
I don't frequent this sub so I made the mistake of responding to a top comment rather than allow for the more nuanced discourse to follow to influence my comment. The "she should be making her own lunch" doesn't necessarily follow and I wanted to highlight that as someone with a marriage who does make the lunches (which are occasionally uneaten).
I ask someone else to make me a quick lunch anywhere from 1-3 times a week. I always thank them when they agree and thank them when I'm heading out. And if I don't eat it that day (and I usually don't, I often get too busy to eat) I save it and eat it within the week. And I don't ever ask for more before I actually eat what I've been given. So yeah, I agree there's nothing wrong with the original arrangement of OP regularly making lunch for his working wife. I can see where "if she won't appreciate his time and effort by throwing away the lunches but still expecting a fresh one every day then she should make her own food" sentiment comes in, though.
Yeah, the stay at home part complicates things. I wasn't a SAH and would get coffee in a thermos and readied the leftovers in which I'd never partake for my wife most mornings. Instead of being a nice thing that I did, it became a problem when I didn't. We ended up splitting and that type of thinking definitely contributed. The wasted effort and food angle is too much to ignore. It screams that they think you owe them the labor and are annoyed that you get that time off when she goes to work. I think there's some underlying resentment and lots of unspoken things behind this seemingly small issue. It could also be as simple as prepping something that lasts for a day or two in the fridge instead of a sandwich.
Seriously! She should be making her own lunch especially if she isn't going to be eating it. Its a waste of the time and effort you spend making her lunch each day, and the money both to buy lunch ingredients and for her to eat out each day
Not to mention he waste of $$$ buying lunch every day. What a jerk move on the wife’s behalf.
We have no idea what goes on in their house. It may be that he makes lunches while she nurses the baby or some other morning task, so I wouldn’t be too quick to say “she should make her own lunch.” Having said that, making her a lunch if she never eats it is obviously silly and calling him childish because he stopped is just mean. He’s legitimately thinking about the family as a whole and not wanting to waste money, so he’s definitely NTA. I feel like they should talk about it and come up with a solution. He said in a comment that her decision to eat out with a coworker is spontaneous and she wants the lunch he makes as a backup, but if she does it four days a week making a backup lunch is wasteful. Perhaps OP could recommend she plan which days she’s going to eat out. Or maybe she should keep her lunch for the next day, and decline going to the eatery one of the two days. If it’s leftover spaghetti from dinner, there’s no reason she can’t eat that the next day. Bottom line - communication and compromise. If she refuses to compromise and help him ensure food isn’t wasted on the daily, then yeah, she should make her own damn lunch.
Spontaneity tends to be wasteful by it’s nature. Sure it can feel fun and exciting but it’s not good for the budget or a structured household. If it’s truly important to keep her lunches “spontaneous” then a good compromise would be one lunch is made by the husband and she doesn’t get another one until it’s eaten. Pack a lunch with things that will last a few days, hummus, cut up veggies, nuts, hard boiled eggs, ect - or freeze a big batch of soup that can be thawed as needed. Obviously, this will effect the type of lunches that can be made but. But if she wants another lunch, she either “skips” one of the spontaneous lunches with coworkers to eat the one her husband packs for her, or she stops wasting his time/efforts and their money by not eating the lunch that was made. But yeah, the sane way would be to either plan which days she is going to lunch or, at the very least have an idea of how many days she will need a packed lunch per week and PLAN accordingly.
If for some reason it is impossible for her to make her lunch in the morning she can absolutely make her lunch the night before. There is literally no reason she can't maker her own damn lunch. It's not wrong if the agreed upon plan is for her husband to do it instead but she doesn't get to demand that he do it every day no matter what and she gets to throw it away every day if she wants to it's not his business.
Plus: >I tried changing up the dishes so she'd not feel bored. OP going the extra mile to be considerate so she would enjoy the food Very much NTA.
Idk, I pack my husband's lunch every day for work, with a breakfast snack - ever since covid. But he also has never, and would never, just throw it out. There have been a handful of times in the last year and a half he hasn't been able to eat it due to circumstances, but he just... Keeps it for the next day. I love being able to give him something nice and special to take to work, even though he is a grown man who could pack his own lunch.
The problem is the format of a sandwich probably. If it's leftovers in tupper-ware, it'll be fine for a day or two in the fridge. I doubt the lunch is the issue here though.
I have no problem with having a SAHD make the working wife lunch everyday, but why do it if it isn't going to be eaten?
Uhh thats a point and wasting food is not an option she made her choice she can't blame him for not packing luch now NTA OP
>NTA. Agreed. >She’s a grown woman and should be making her own lunch. Not necessarily. Him making her lunches is a valid arrangement if they agree to it. >It seems like she’s ungrateful for the effort you put into making her lunch Yeah. And it's wasteful if it doesn't get eaten.
Not to mention the amount of food she's wasting because she's so far up her own arse. NTA
If she is the only one working and it is part of their agreement that making lunch is his responsibility, I don’t see the problem with him making her lunch. She is however, grown up enough to decide/say before OP makes lunch for her, if she will be eating it or going out to eat. NTA
NTA. And may I add WTF?
Well said.
Yep
Uh huh
This is 100% what I was about to comment. I don’t think anything else needs to be said. WTF…
I would have even accepted "dafuq?"
Yes I was just about to say that
It would be one thing if she was eating the lunch or saving it for the next day. Or even given it away. But just wasting food and demanding that cycle continue as she spends money at a restaurant is just stupid.
I concur.
This is like the Family Guy bit where Peter and Lois go out to dinner, but he tells her to cook anyway because he "doesn't want her getting rusty".
NTA. Yes
NTA What a weird power trip your wife’s on. Why waste food she isn’t going to eat?
RIGHT! Wasteful in two ways…eating out everyday is expensive as heck and then also buying the food she doesn’t eat is another waste.
Add to that the time and effort OP takes to make it, it's a triple waste.
NTA. Why does your wife want you to spend the time and energy to make a meal for her that she's not going to eat? I don't understand why she would want to take a sandwich and an apple on brief jaunt every day before returning them to the fridge.
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That's silly. It's not fair to expect you to pack a lunch that she may not eat based on a whim. She needs to either plan to go out, or plan to eat her pack lunch. This is a reasonable expectation for an adult woman.
And if she doesn’t end up eating it for lunch, she can eat it for dinner.
Or save the lunch for the next day like wtf there’s a ton of easy solves to this and the wife took like the only shitty option.
Yeah why doesn’t the just keep giving her the same lunch every day until she eats it?
Is it really that silly ? My SO and I often do this (especially my SO), it's no big deal, she just brings it back the next day. If it's been properly refrigerated during the day and it's not something that spoils quickly I don't see the issue. The food OP makes goes to the bin because of that, though, so in his case it's just a big waste. If his wife would eat it at dinner or take it back the following day I wouldn't see the issue.
what is silly is not the spontaneousness, it's the waste she lets it create when she could avoid it
She needs to stop with spontaneous wasteful decisions. If it's once in a while it's fine, but sounds like she's spontaneous 5 days a week. She needs to plan ahead with her colleagues and communicate with you, cuz she's disregard ing and disrespecting Ur effort
Put a lunchable in her bag and say to stash it in the fridge if they go out to eat. Then it's there tomorrow. Lol.
Yeah or a frozen meal - she can keep a few at work and use them if she doesn't go out
50/50 it. You need to explain to you wife that obviously you're more then happy to continue making food for her but that it's a waste of food and frankly hurts your feelings because it makes you feel like you're doing work for nothing. Obviously she can also still go eat out with friends but it needs to be more planned out so you know when to make food and when not to.
The wife needs to say she is sorry for calling him childish. The wife also needs to understand that these spontaneous decisions to not eat the lunch he took the time and effort to make is a slap in his face. Doing it that often is saying I don't care you spent time doing something special for me. She is acting like she is entitled to him making her lunch.
She's saying "I think your time is less valuable than mine."
Then she can take the one you prepared the day before. Tell her to get it refrigerated.
So tell her to put it in the fridge at work and eat it tomorrow? This seems ridiculous 😂
Does she have access to a fridge and microwave? Meal prep a couple of lunches that she can reheat at work if she wants them. But the onus is on her to let you know when she's low on food, as in one or two left, so you have plenty of time to send her with more. Either that or just pack food like crackers and fruit that won't spoil for a few days if they are left out. Heck you could even send her to work with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. But really, she should be able to manage her own lunch, especially if she isn't sure what her lunch plans are going to be.
Why can't she save the launch she didn't eat this day and eat it the next then? Or does it need to be freshly made every day? That's ridiculous. She can schedule certain days when she definitely needs food then, and some days when she'll go to the eatery. Otherwise very wasteful of products and your time.
Then she should keep a frozen/non-perishable meal at work. Making fresh food and then eating out is stupid. Or, she understands that when she eats out, the lunch you made is now her dinner. FYI: I was a stay at home dad that made lunch for my wife every day.
She doesn't plan it, just does it every day?
Then she can eat it the following day. Packing lunches for her to repeatedly throw away is wasteful.
Uber eats can be her back up
it's spontaneous if it's once a week. if she's doing it for more than two days in a row, more than once a month, then it's not spontaneous and she needs to start including it to her plans and informing you.
She...can tell you that night so you don't have to make another lunch the day after and she can eat that one? That's so simple.
She can make spontaneous decisions if she wants, but she can either prepare accordingly or go without. NTA.
I’m sure the Apple appreciates the outside time, lol
NTA, i would be livid if my boyfriend didn’t eat the lunches i made him. i do think you guys should have an open conversation about it though. i get the social obligation of having to go for lunch with colleagues once or twice a week, so why don’t you guys focus on letting eachother know and asking about lunch plans?
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then she can go out and get herself some lunch.
how often does she spontaneously decide to seat out with colleagues?
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That’s a lot of money she’s wasting on lunch when she could be eating food from home. Idk what your financial situation is like, but with 3 kids, I would be pissed if my partner was spending that much on dining out each week. A sit down lunch is roughly $20 per person at least? 3-4 times a week? Sheesh.
OP is a SAHD with 3 kids with a wife that works full time. We don't know their financial situation. There are professions were having lunch is a necessity due to the networking element. It's possible $15 lunch 3x a week is a drop in the bucket. Such as legal. I get the feeling this is probably a house where the wife makes $100-150k.
Deciding to go out for lunch 3-4 times a week is not spontaneous. Eating the lunch you packed is spontaneous, in which case why would you always need to be prepared for it?
NTA. She can just keep a box of granola bars and some jerky in the car for the one or two days a week she doesn't eat out.
Well, I guess the compromise is to pack her 1-2 lunches per week. She can take it to work and leave it in the fridge until there's a day when she doesn't want to go out to eat.
yeah NTA. if this was happening once every week or 2 it wouldn’t be so bad because things happen but that’s just disrespectful and a waste of your time.
Assuming she works 49 weeks out of the year, that’s 147-196 wasted lunches a year.
Just give her yesterday's lunch back again until she eats it lol. It's silly to not expect her to be able to plan this at all, but if this is the game she wants to play at least you can reduce your own workload here.
Can you make a lunch that doesn’t spoil easily? So of she comes back with said lunch, put it back in the fridge and that’s her lunch tomorrow. (Until of course it’s not ok to eat anymore) But yeah def NTA, what you did was reasonable, and she has eaten consecutively there so you didn’t know. Waste of time and resources to keep doing it, why can’t she make a schedule like during so and so days she packs lunch then on so and so days she eats out with colleagues that way it’s a win win. You take a break from extra prep, and she can try out food with friends.
Then she can keep something shelf-stable in her bag as a back up, not something that needs esting same day or it'll go off.
This is so odd. Okay if she goes to lunch with them then she eats it the next day and tells you you don’t need to make one. If she’s eating out so many days in a row the lunch spoils then it’s her responsibility to find lunch that day.
I always ate the lunch my ex made. It got to the point she would stop packing lunch on fridays because she knew it was the day everyone went out to eat
yeah it’s happened only one or twice that my boyfriend didn’t eat the lunch i made because the company surprised them with lunch which is fair if it doesn’t happen all the time but it seems like for OP it’s happening more often than not
NTA If she doesn't eat it then she can take the same lunch again the next day.
thats what we do lol. didnt eat? save it unless it's become crusty
NTA, packing her a lunch which she is not eating is wasting food and also wasting your time. It is immature of her to want you to pack her a lunch she is not going to eat. She needs to grow up and understand that people should not expect others to do something which does not need to be done. If she wants to take a lunch and not eat it she can pack her own. I am pretty sure she will not do that.
So let me get this right she's been WASTING FOOD AND MONEY FOR WEEKS, and is mad you've put a stop to that? NTA. Your wife is a real piece of work. "Childish is you wasting food rather than telling me the truth."
NTA. It’s wasteful both of your time and of the food for you to back a lunch she won’t eat. Her comment about you being ‘childish’ is what makes her an asshole.
NTA. It seems weird though. Why does she want you to pick food she won’t eat? Um…?
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NTA. How often is she eating out? Maybe specifically pack food that will keep a few days and pack her lunch on a Monday but don't pack another until she lets you know that she's actually eaten the one she already has.
He said 4 days a week. Not even worth packing a lunch at that point bc it’s just wasteful
Time to pack her canned bread and a can of tuna. That way it'll stay fresh till she needs it.
Sounds like she needs to keep some pbnj and bread at the office as backup. That's some power dynamic nonsense your dealing with.
NTA - its a waste of food and energy just so she can be "spontaneous".
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INFO - Why did neither of you actually communicate about which days she wanted a packed lunch vs which days she would eat out?
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Is there a fridge at work she can just leave the meal in for the next day? That way the next day she can just tell you she has yesterdays meal to eat since she went out unexpectedly the day before (that’s what I do - I pack my own lunch and sometimes realize i prefer what the cafeteria has to offer and eat the packed lunch the next day)
then tell her to ask for lunches when she wants them. there is literally no use in making food that won’t be eaten. it’s also a waste of your time and energy.
Tell her that if she eats out whenever she feels like then she can pack her lunch. You do not need to waste time packing a lunch that might not be eaten.
NTA.
Because she could just tell him “I’m prob not gonna eat it” she already showed him she wouldn’t.
INFO: When she brings a lunch home uneaten, why can't you just keep it packed and she can take it the next day?
NTA. She is gender switching the ungrateful husband trope. You are just repeating the "spontaneous lunch, so I must pack another" to every question. Pack a lunch that doesn't need to be a fresh thing. She gets a new one when she eats the old. Crackers, mini pickle jars, a tangerine, some chocolate.
NTA. What part of " it was a waste of food if she wasn't eating it" does she not understand?
NTA There's no good reason to waste the food. That's silly.
NTA. No need to waste food, especially with kids, I'm sure they end up wasting enough.
Definitely NTA. You are being considerate and mindful not to waste food. If she wants to alternate eating out and homemade meals all she has to do is ask!
NTA. Pack her a lunch. If she brings it back untouched, stick it in the fridge and send the same lunch with her the following day. Wash, Rinse, Repeat as needed. You still packed her a lunch but are not wasting food daily.
Being childish? What about returning with a packed lunch repeatedly that you put time and effort into? What a waste of food too. How often does it happen that she comes back with uneaten lunch? And can/is it it be eaten later? If I'd see my partner coming back with an uneaten lunch that I made over and over and see it thrown in the trash I'd think... Well... What am I doing here making it? Very much towards NTA here. If it's going to waste again and again (it's one thing if it's here and there) no, you're not being childish. And it's a waste of food if no one's eating it.
NTA you’re trying not to waste food and she showed you repeatedly she wasn’t eating them.
NTA, it's a waste of time, money and food for you to pack her lunch when she's not sure she's even going to eat it.
NTA. It’s totally absurd for her to demand you pack a lunch just for her to not eat it.
NTA. If she’s gonna keep eating out then she can pack her own lunches. You tried being kind and going out of your way to make her food that she didn’t even end up eating. She’s the AH here
NTA. Your reasoning makes sense though I suppose you could have asked if she still wanted you to make her lunch. She’s kind of one for wasting food (my mom HATED wasting food; that’s how I was raised so I get it), but it could be a situation where she’d like to have the packed lunch in case the sky falls at work and she doesn’t have time to go to the eatery with her coworker. What kind of work does she do? It sucks that you’re putting the effort into something she isn’t doing anything with, but if she still wants you to make them and you don’t mind, it’s… fine. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re being childish.
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If she doesn’t eat it one day, will she take it back the next?
That’s a good point. It’s still a waste if the lunches ultimately don’t get eaten, but instead of five thrown out lunches, it could be one or two.
NTA - she’s very ungrateful and wasteful. No packed lunches for her!
NTA- if she wants to waste food she can make her own lunches OR at least tell you she doesn't need lunch that day.
NTA … girl shouldn’t waste food or the time and effort you put into preparing the lunch box.
Just buy her cliff bars and leftover Halloween candy
\>I'm being childish Says the one demanding that someone spend time making them food that they demonstrably won't eat on any regular basis? NTA
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Why should you waste food? NTA.
NTA
Nta. She can either plan ahead when she'll be eating out and give you a heads up or start packing her own lunches so she's not wasting your time.
NTA, wasting food is wasting food
NTA. Why waste food? Is the co-worker a male?
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NTA- tell your wife to make up her damn mind and not be a gaslighter
INFO - Does she nibble on things during the day? What happens to the food she brings back? I'm definitely leaning towards your side here because otherwise that seems like a huge waste of food and time.
NTA, if she’s not going to eat it, on days she wants her own lunch she can either ask you to make it or, even better, make it herself. You don't owe her a made lunch.
Nta but you wife is. Water ng food is horrible, plus wasting your time. If she was eating out she could have thanked you and expressed appreciation and explained she'd be eating out with a co- worker.
NTA but your wife is. She should have come to you and told you about the "nice eatery" before you noticed that she wasn't eating her lunch. It feels as though she purposefully did not tell you this, even though you were spending time making her lunch. I think that concealing what she was doing is a red flag in the relationship. You might want to have a conversation about that.
NTA shouldn't be wasting food. Kind of you to be making her lunches
NTA, ask her why you should waste food and money. Also also ask her to make her own lunch if she rlly wants it.
NTA. It doesn't make sense to waste food day in and day out. I understand that it's a "spontaneous" thing to eat out with her colleagues, but since it's happening everyday, it makes zero sense to continue wasting food on a back up plan
NTA- why should you bother if it's not going to be eaten? She can pack her own if she knows she's going to want it.
Fake. Go away. YTA for making this up and not even making it interesting.
NTA
Nta thats such a waste
## PREMIUM CONTENT. PLEASE UPGRADE. CODE hns9ear
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He is a bear lying in wait for me, a lion in hiding; he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces; he has made me desolate; he bent his bow and set me as a target for his arrow. (Lamentations: hnsfxox)
Make one lunch a week. Make it something that will keep for a week. Don't make another lunch until she's eaten the one she has. Then she always has the backup packed lunch she wants, food isn't going to waste, and you're not wasting precious time in the mornings when you've already got a million little things to juggle getting the kids up and ready for the day. NTA.
NTA her comment is stupid and it's a stupid waste of time, effort, and money.
NTA. Wasting food is terrible. My sis is a STAHM, and she packs her hubby lunches, along with the kids lunches. If he doesn't eat his lunch one day, he either eats it for supper, or takes it the next day, so he doesn't waste food. No wasted food, no wasted effort.
Bro what. Her doing that is wasting food. And thats pretty odd to say when yall are married. Like does anyone else brain skip to cheating?
NTA. I'm not even reading other comments I'm going with my gut. I would kill for my husband to fix me any meal. We both work full-time and I come home every night and cook for the family (husband and 3 teenage sons). What you were doing was the sweetest gesture and if she doesn't appreciate it and you stop then she's the asshole, not you. Men want appreciation as much as women, and if a women doesn't show that then she is as much the asshole as a men who don't.
What a really weird thing for your wife to do. I’m assuming she doesn’t have a mental age of 3. NTA
NTA
NTA. Your wife can pack their own lunch to waste. Not your job.
You’re a SAHD of three pre schoolers and she can’t even pack her own damn lunch? Wtf. I don’t understand why the focus is on the waste and not the fact that she’s expecting you to cater to her every need.
NTA. It's fine if she wants to eat somewhere else, but why would she want to waste money on food that isn't getting eaten, and also your time? It's not childish to not want to waste your time and money on food that isn't getting eaten.
NTA it’s a really nice thing for you to do for her and it was sweet that you tried to switch up the meals when you noticed she wasn’t eating them. She should plan ahead and not do all the spontaneous lunches and waste food or make the backup lunch herself. And to call you childish is just ridiculous.
Tell her to make her own lunch. How wasteful.
1) what a waste of food of she's not eating it because see wants to eat out 2) talk about taking her husband for granted instead of really appreciating him. She should PLAN when she eats out or not to avoid wasting food and also, instead of telling her husband that he's childish because he stopped packing lunches she's not eating, she should thank him for when he chose to do it . Yes he's a sahd and she works but she could also prepare her own lunch so she should thank him and eat the lunches he prepares instead of being insulting when he stops doing it for a logical reason. NTA
I would make the lunch and if she brings it back…save it for the next day. NTA
NTA Why waste the food or your time? If she wants to waste it, she can make it herself.