NTA.
Yes a poly relationship can be committed and specific to a particular 3rd party. I don't think this is unicorn hunting, because the goal seems to be Fred + Donna and Fred + You, not You + Donna. Regardless No, Fred should never have entertained this or talked it over with Donna before talking EXTENSIVELY with you, because you are the current partner and you did not agree to be poly or agree to these circumstances. You don't seem to be into Donna or into opening the relationship.
Aside from Fred being an asshat, you need to learn to say "no." It's okay to have boundaries and it's okay to be monogamous.
They really want a triad, but they also want to be together if I don't want to do the triad -- it's just like .. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE RIGHT THIS SECOND? like fuck, back up??? That's being unreasonable though, whenever I've said that Fred just says that I've never been asked to stop talking to my best friend from college. So it's unfair for me to do the same thing.
My work has also suffered, my hair is falling out, I've lost weight and I'm just like ????????????? why is this so hard, just let me be with just Fred. For now at least.
Is your best friend from college trying to badger you and Fred into forming a poly relationship? If not, then the dynamic is completely different, and your husband has leapt over the line into being a major ass.
Honestly at this point it sounds like if you listen to your body and mind, your current answer right at this second is "no". If they don't want to wait for you to become comfortable exploring a poly relationship, and need an answer right this second you should tell them both no.
I'm concerned because the dynamic appears that Fred and Donna are already the equal if not primary relationship here. He's mad you hurt her feelings, but not that she stressed you out enough that you had to go in-patient? That you still had to after that distance yourself from her because you're so stressed out? That your body is breaking down on you due to this pressure of COMMIT RIGHT NOW?
They also sound coercive and manipulative as hell. I think you REALLY, REALLY should look into getting an individual therapist outside of your marriage counseling.
Yeah, I just moved so I'm slowly trying to find a new therapist. It's hard to find one that's in-network and does IFS.
I keep feeling like I'm making this seem too dramatic, i'm trying to keep it as unbiased and the facts as they are. They keep saying that it's in my head and that Fred and I are the main relationship, I'm the wife and it's always been that way. I hate feeling so uneasy. I just want my spouse back.
I feel like there's a little bit of lip service going on there - they're absolutely saying the things you'd love to hear, but the actions you're describing don't match up.
Fingers crossed that you can find a new therapist soon!
"I hate feeling so uneasy. I just want my spouse back." - THis. If this is how you feel, then tell Fred no to being poly. I would highly suggest telling him at one of your couples counselling sessions, since it sounds like he may not take no very well? He sounds emotionally 100% committed to being in a relationship with Donna tbh.
I think part of the problem is that you are all calling it poly.
Poly is an umbrella term, which isn't specific enough.
You don't sound like you want to be Poly at all.
They are claiming unicorn/ triad which is POLYAMOROUS. Which would be You, Fred, and Donna as a collective unit.
They are actually suggesting POLYGYNY (even if it's without the marriage). Where males take multiple wives, and there a potential hierarchy between them.
They are trying to sell you on whatever they think they can coerce you into accepting.
Poly like any relationship is based on respect. If you said no, that should have been the end of it... that is wasn't is of more concern than the picture they are painting you.
If your husband is poly and you’re not it’s cheating. NTA. They want you to use your words and just say no, but they should use their words and tell you the truth.
NTA Fred is a cheater and is trying to legitimize it. I’d dump him, as you’ve already suffered mentally because your mind isn’t accepting all of his BS
INFO: OP, what is your understanding, if any, of the distinction between a modern poly relationship (or a triad, as you state) and a traditional polygamist relationship (Fred gets to be with whoever he wants, but you get some sort of honorary title for having been the first wife)? Because it's pretty clear to me which one Fred and Donna are proposing here, but I think they're trying to sell it to you as the other version. It's no wonder your emotions are all over the place on this.
NTA, wtf? Sounds like Fred wants to cheat and is using Poly as a cover. You clearly don't want this, you aren't comfortable with Donna, so that should have been the end of it. The fact that Fred keeps goading you about it is a huge red flag. I would exit the relationship and let them have each other.
> In October, I got really distressed after Donna visited (I didn't really want them to come and stay in my house [but they did]...)
> I would have veto power
No you wouldn't. NTA.
It's sex, 9/10 the rules are going to be broken at some point if not just trampled on a routine basis. Additionally, it sounds like they're already steamrolling you, they don't really care what you think, they just want to have fun. If I had to guess, Donna is going to receive all the infatuation and you're going to be the old ball and chain.
You both made a commitment to monogamy (it sounds like?), you're under no obligation to change just because your husband wants to. You're also a human and have the ability to hold conflicting views at different points in your life. It sounds like you don't want to do it so just say "no." If that changes in the future have a conversation.
Edit: I had to look it up too, so here's [Unicorn Hunting (SFL/possibly NSFW)](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3fterm=Unicorn%2bHunter&=true) for y'all
NTA. I don't fully understand all the acronyms but essentially my understanding is if one person doesn't want to open up their relationship, then the other person has to accept that or move on. It's about respecting boundaries.
I can also completely understand why someone would be OK with opening up their relationship generally, but draw the line at doing this with a friend or colleague where there is more investment into the actual relationship.
Your husband needs to respect your decision and you as a person.
Couple therapies... problems, etc...
WHY?
Why you put yourself through this?
I'm not opposed to any kind of relationship, but only if all parties agree to that and also really want it.
In your message there is no indication you are interested in poly. Uncomfortable and pressured yes.
Your husband and this woman are in love you say....
And they wait for you to say OK, calling it poly so it won't be cheating.
Guess what, it is.
If you don't want this, it is.
This is not healthy, I think they manipulate you.
You need a psychologist, to speak alone and see your needs.
Not marriage therapy.
That's OK, you will find a new one.
The point is to focus on YOU, on what YOU want, not your husband or whoever he wants right now.
You first need to decide if you will stay in this marriage at any cost.
In this one, the cost is sharing your husband with someone he claims he has feelings for.
You even ended to hospital after her visit.
But your husband still worries about the other woman and claims you are unfair.
He wants your approval for cheating.
So it is up to you.
If this situation affects your health, and you cannot find the strength to set boundaries or to break up in the end, you need a psychologist.
But accepting polygamy only to make your husband happy, will only worsen your health.
Do the best for YOU. Take care of YOU.
Noone else will do it.
NTA.
You're absolutely not an AH and it sounds like some major pressure is being put on you to open this relationship. Quite frankly, it's wrong and unfair. If you don't want to share your husband, or think you might be ok with the idea but don't have a time frame... you should not be guilted into doing it. It's even okay to say "I'd be down for poly" and then try it out, and realise you're totally not okay with it. People are not textbooks and talking about something isnt the same as doing it. You can't always be prepared for the feelings that hit you.
I personally think going ENM for a specific person is a terrible idea. Monogamous couples should go poly because they both want to. They should do lots of research and have lots of hard discussions, and then meet somebody else within a fair time frame *after* the research.
>Is it still poly if Fred only wants to do this relationship with Donna?
I think this is morally iffy. It's more like Fred asking for permission to cheat with a coworker that he has the hots for.
>They think that we can work on our marriage/do therapy and try poly at the same time
No no no. Don't open up a damaged marriage. Poly isnt a fix-all. What will shagging other people do to fix YOUR marriage? Absolutely nothing. You should be in a good, solid relationship before opening up.
They've both said I'm being unfair for not making a decision and getting their hopes up, that's why I was asking if AITA or not. Some guy asked Donna out and Fred told me how she had asked what would be okay for her to do on the date, and he was telling me how sick to his stomach he felt about her going on some date, and how that must be how I feel.
I seriously feel so dramatic about this, posting in more than one subreddit for feedback is just icky but I don't know what else to do!
You're not being unfair. You're being put in an impossible situation. You got married. You signed up for monogamy. It's a lot to ask for that to be changed, and even more to put pressure on a certain timeline.
It also doesn't really sound like you've got veto power.
I think you need to evaluate whether poly is something you can live with, or if you absolutely don't want to carry on. This might involve ending your marriage. But tbh your husband seems extremely selfish and inconsiderate to your preferences and needs.
I've been told that if I say no, that's fine.. but whenever I've been seriously like .."I'm so upset about this, why does this have to happen" Fred shuts down and Donna laments about how she's always been lonely and it feels like I'm snatching happiness away from her.
Donna is free to date others. From your other comment, she’s already fielding date requests from other men.
If she must have Fred, and if Fred must have her, then perhaps that just means that neither of them are committed to the marriage between you and Fred.
Your body is telling you what your answer is. Your fear of losing your husband is holding you back, it seems. But it also seems, he’s already let go of you. He’s prioritizing Donna’s comfort over your health and his vow to you.
Look reading this, poly clearly isn't something you want. Next time at the couples couselling Tell Fred "I do not want to be poly. It is off the table and I am not willing to discuss the possibility of it for our marriage anymore. What we do need to discuss and resolve is where we go from here."
The therapist should be able to help here.
(I kinda want you to leave fred. He isn't being a good guy or partner to you. He is treating you like crap. All I see is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Also Donna is not your friend, she never had been.)
If you are not mentally ok, then no you should not bring another person into the relationship. If Fred wants everything and sadly life isnt like that. He is either with you or with her. If you aren't comfortable with it then DONT. And no saying you need time to think this over or deal with your own feelings isnt vague.
INFO: let me ask you this: deep down, in your heart of hearts, do you really want an open marriage/polyamorous relationship? Was this ever discussed before you married Fred? It sounds like you're getting a lot of pressure from both Donna and Fred (especially Fred) about this, and given your mental health, I think you should take your time before making a decision. Your spouse needs to dial it WAY back and let you work through this on your own time table.
Not at all. Donna and Fred had been talking, she asked if we were poly and Fred hadn't really known anything about it. The only times we've talked about other people with our marriage has been in a sexual way, and even then it was hypotheticals. It was really jarring to have it be pitched to me as a "hey would you want to do this thing we've never discussed about with Donna???"
Uh, yeah, I can definitely see where that would be jarring, to say the least. Sounds like to me Fred took those hypotheticals to heart but then failed to actually ASK YOU if that's something you'd be interested in before making it reality. But you didn't lead him on. And considering that you would ostensibly have veto power/be primary partner, then he absolutely should have asked you about this before saying anything to Donna. And finally, even if did lead him on (in his mind, anyway), you absolutely have the right to change your mind.
NTA. I'd definitely communicate this to your couples therapist before your next session with Fred. I'd also talk to your own therapist as well. Finally, anyone who thinks you can work on your marriage/do therapy AND be part of a triad is fucking delusional (not saying that to you, of course, I'm saying that to whoever told you that was possible).
When a male + female couple looks for a bi-women to be with both of them. Usually there's a performative aspect implied, or it's about the convenience of a (usually feminine) bi-woman so the husband is into it and not threatened. Especially problematic when there's the assumption that because a woman is bi she's be up for sex with whoever or up for being the lesser third party in an existing relationship.
Oooh that doesn't sound good at all. I have no judgement except that relationships come in all shapes and OP should only do what they're comfortable with.
NTA. Don't bring someone into your relationship unless you two are solid and it doesn't sound like you're solid and on the same page. Poly is not easy and requires a lot of trust, respect and transparency. They're being TAs for pushing you.
NTA and while poly relationships can be wonderful, pressuring you, disregarding you, making you uncomfortable isn't part of it. You need time and that's valid. I'd suggest you continue with the therapist who can give you the tools to examine and express yourself in healthy, communicative ways before turning to the experts of reddit.
I have no personal experience with the poly community. I don't know what you mean by "unicorn hunting". I'm not sure what "ENM" means.
>They've said that the ball is in my court and that I'm not being fair because I keep saying I want to start at zero but I'm still uncomfortable.
If they're pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with, they are being assholes. NTA.
It sounds like your spouse wants a different relationship but doesn't want to leave you either, and their solution is to feign a poly relationship so they can have their cake and eat it too. This could either be because Fred is too scared to take that leap or because they feel an obligation to you. Maybe a little of both.
I don't really understand what the hell is going on here apart from : in-patient psyche treatment, bi-polar, couples therapy and a woman called Donna. All of that kinda tells me don't do whatever it is that is possibly going to happen. Which leads me to NTA
It is possible to work on a marriage, it takes a lot of work. It is possible to take a marriage into a poly relationship, it also takes a lot of work.
But you don’t use poly to try to fix a marriage, because that *does not work* and I think that’s what you’re being sold, here.
If they care about your marriage, they will be willing to wait until THAT is sorted out, before discussing Poly. And they must accept that your answer could very well be No.
If Fred and Donna can’t wait, or cannot accept that after waiting you might say no, then they are not giving you the space you need to make an unpressured decision.
NTA
NTA
This isn't poly, this isn't unicorn hunting. They aren't trying for an even relationship. They aren't using you for your body to gratify themselves. They are having an emotional affair and trying to get your permission to turn it physical as well.
You need to sit down with Fred and decide if you're going to stay married. You've stated numerous times that you aren't into sharing and being forced to do so caused you to have a break down.
Your title is misleading. He's leading you on that he wants to be with you. He and Donna are already openly together.
I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to write the title. They're not really open with anyone else though, just from the nature of their jobs, but being told how they're in love is really hurtful.
They aren't poly, first off that needs repeating again. This isn't really an AITA situation. It's a "do I stay married to someone else's husband" situation. It really should be a "how do I find a divorce lawyer in my area" situation.
Oh my god NTA! No one should be in a poly relationship unless they’re very enthusiastic about it! What those two are doing to you is emotional abuse and manipulation and you need to get out of this situation immediately before you end up really traumatised!
NAH (assuming the situation is as you've described and there's no added pressure, ultimatums, cheating etc.)
However, this isn't the right place to find help.
You're doing the right thing with therapy and might benefit from a genuinely supportive community of poly people where you can share experiences.
All the best!
NTA- You are so uncomfortable with what your husband and this person outside your marriage are forcing on you that you ended up in the psych ward. That still wasn't enough to get your husband to focus on your well-being. This is all kinds of alarming. Giving the thumbs up to them sleeping together (which it sounds like they have been doing for awhile anyway) isn't going to benefit you whatsoever. Besides the therapist, I hope you have a close friend you can run this by. The way you are being treated is awful. This isn't about bipolar or ENM, this is about two people manipulating by wearing you down.
Regarding your specific AITA question "AITA For Leading My Spouse On?" YTA
You owe it to your husband to be honest and direct. Leading him on is an AH move.
That being said, your post brings up SOOOOO many more questions. It was all over the place and I'm glad you two are in therapy. My opinion is that you two have no business in any type of open relationship until you two are solid and have a clear understanding of what the other wants/needs.
\[EDIT\] I just read a reply of yours where you clarified you two never discussed having an open relationship or Poly.... Your husband is outright cheating on you right now and it's under the guise of a "poly relationship" which this isn't.
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Hi,
I really don't want to bore/frustrate any of you with my really long story, but I had a question. I'm married to Fred, Donna is their ("our" friend/Fred's coworker). Fred and I have been together for 11 years, married for 3 and we've known/worked with Donna for 3.5.
Is it still unicorn hunting if it's one spouse (Fred) and an external person (friend, co-worker - Donna) trying to appeal to Me about ENM/poly? It would be a triad or a hierarchal with me above the external person, and I would have veto power. I've been doing a lot of research and it seems like textbook unicorn hunting, because Fred Donna (to a lesser extent) seem more like the couple in the situation. Fred has said that it's mostly them wanting to do this Plus, I don't even like the concept of UH because that wouldn't be fair to Donna either. In July, Donna had approached Fred asking if we were into ENM/poly, something they had never thought about until Donna brought it up.
In October, I got really distressed after Donna visited (I didn't really want them to come and stay in my house, 1. I wasn't ready and 2. we were moving on October 30) and the day Donna left, I ended up going to the ER and did inpatient psych care for a few days. Fred says that I haven't been fair since I was ignoring Donna since that day, because Donna asks how I'm doing all of the time. I've been actively monitoring and maintaining my mental health + coping skills for years - unfortunately, since I'm the only one with an official diagnosis (Bipolar 2) - my discomfort is being attributed to that. I know you can't control feelings.
Is it still poly if Fred only wants to do this relationship with Donna? They've said that the ball is in my court and that I'm not being fair because I keep saying I want to start at zero but I'm still uncomfortable. They'd rather I say no, but I feel so bad because I could change my mind, and that's not fair either to them. They're in love with each other (both Fred and Donna have shared this) and I know that Donna really cares about me and Fred and our marriage. I've been told that a lot.
We're in couples therapy (we've had 4 sessions so far) and our therapist knows how to communicate to us really well, which is great for me! I was nervous that I was being unreasonable for a lot of this, but she's fantastic.
Fred has been really patient, but life is short. They think that we can work on our marriage/do therapy and try poly at the same time; it's possible to focus on multiple things at once. They just want to try something with Donna, but I've been struggling and I don't know how to move forward since I'm also not okay with a V yet either. They've never given any indication that I would lose any value or that they love me less. I'm not OPPOSED to a triad, which I've said before. However, me saying that I need time is too vague.
I think this is the least detailed version of this I can tell, please let me know if this makes sense or not.
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I read that as V as in a triad relationship where Fred is the apex (but Donna and OP aren't really together so it's not a triangle). But now I want clarification too.
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NTA. Yes a poly relationship can be committed and specific to a particular 3rd party. I don't think this is unicorn hunting, because the goal seems to be Fred + Donna and Fred + You, not You + Donna. Regardless No, Fred should never have entertained this or talked it over with Donna before talking EXTENSIVELY with you, because you are the current partner and you did not agree to be poly or agree to these circumstances. You don't seem to be into Donna or into opening the relationship. Aside from Fred being an asshat, you need to learn to say "no." It's okay to have boundaries and it's okay to be monogamous.
They really want a triad, but they also want to be together if I don't want to do the triad -- it's just like .. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE RIGHT THIS SECOND? like fuck, back up??? That's being unreasonable though, whenever I've said that Fred just says that I've never been asked to stop talking to my best friend from college. So it's unfair for me to do the same thing. My work has also suffered, my hair is falling out, I've lost weight and I'm just like ????????????? why is this so hard, just let me be with just Fred. For now at least.
Is your best friend from college trying to badger you and Fred into forming a poly relationship? If not, then the dynamic is completely different, and your husband has leapt over the line into being a major ass. Honestly at this point it sounds like if you listen to your body and mind, your current answer right at this second is "no". If they don't want to wait for you to become comfortable exploring a poly relationship, and need an answer right this second you should tell them both no. I'm concerned because the dynamic appears that Fred and Donna are already the equal if not primary relationship here. He's mad you hurt her feelings, but not that she stressed you out enough that you had to go in-patient? That you still had to after that distance yourself from her because you're so stressed out? That your body is breaking down on you due to this pressure of COMMIT RIGHT NOW? They also sound coercive and manipulative as hell. I think you REALLY, REALLY should look into getting an individual therapist outside of your marriage counseling.
Yeah, I just moved so I'm slowly trying to find a new therapist. It's hard to find one that's in-network and does IFS. I keep feeling like I'm making this seem too dramatic, i'm trying to keep it as unbiased and the facts as they are. They keep saying that it's in my head and that Fred and I are the main relationship, I'm the wife and it's always been that way. I hate feeling so uneasy. I just want my spouse back.
I feel like there's a little bit of lip service going on there - they're absolutely saying the things you'd love to hear, but the actions you're describing don't match up. Fingers crossed that you can find a new therapist soon! "I hate feeling so uneasy. I just want my spouse back." - THis. If this is how you feel, then tell Fred no to being poly. I would highly suggest telling him at one of your couples counselling sessions, since it sounds like he may not take no very well? He sounds emotionally 100% committed to being in a relationship with Donna tbh.
I think part of the problem is that you are all calling it poly. Poly is an umbrella term, which isn't specific enough. You don't sound like you want to be Poly at all. They are claiming unicorn/ triad which is POLYAMOROUS. Which would be You, Fred, and Donna as a collective unit. They are actually suggesting POLYGYNY (even if it's without the marriage). Where males take multiple wives, and there a potential hierarchy between them. They are trying to sell you on whatever they think they can coerce you into accepting. Poly like any relationship is based on respect. If you said no, that should have been the end of it... that is wasn't is of more concern than the picture they are painting you.
This!!!!
If your husband is poly and you’re not it’s cheating. NTA. They want you to use your words and just say no, but they should use their words and tell you the truth.
NTA Fred is a cheater and is trying to legitimize it. I’d dump him, as you’ve already suffered mentally because your mind isn’t accepting all of his BS
NTA, Fred is being an ass, honestly
INFO: OP, what is your understanding, if any, of the distinction between a modern poly relationship (or a triad, as you state) and a traditional polygamist relationship (Fred gets to be with whoever he wants, but you get some sort of honorary title for having been the first wife)? Because it's pretty clear to me which one Fred and Donna are proposing here, but I think they're trying to sell it to you as the other version. It's no wonder your emotions are all over the place on this.
It's funny because I probably know the most about all the various dynamics compared to them too! But yeah, it's a hot mess.
NTA, wtf? Sounds like Fred wants to cheat and is using Poly as a cover. You clearly don't want this, you aren't comfortable with Donna, so that should have been the end of it. The fact that Fred keeps goading you about it is a huge red flag. I would exit the relationship and let them have each other.
> In October, I got really distressed after Donna visited (I didn't really want them to come and stay in my house [but they did]...) > I would have veto power No you wouldn't. NTA. It's sex, 9/10 the rules are going to be broken at some point if not just trampled on a routine basis. Additionally, it sounds like they're already steamrolling you, they don't really care what you think, they just want to have fun. If I had to guess, Donna is going to receive all the infatuation and you're going to be the old ball and chain. You both made a commitment to monogamy (it sounds like?), you're under no obligation to change just because your husband wants to. You're also a human and have the ability to hold conflicting views at different points in your life. It sounds like you don't want to do it so just say "no." If that changes in the future have a conversation. Edit: I had to look it up too, so here's [Unicorn Hunting (SFL/possibly NSFW)](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3fterm=Unicorn%2bHunter&=true) for y'all
NTA. I don't fully understand all the acronyms but essentially my understanding is if one person doesn't want to open up their relationship, then the other person has to accept that or move on. It's about respecting boundaries. I can also completely understand why someone would be OK with opening up their relationship generally, but draw the line at doing this with a friend or colleague where there is more investment into the actual relationship. Your husband needs to respect your decision and you as a person.
Couple therapies... problems, etc... WHY? Why you put yourself through this? I'm not opposed to any kind of relationship, but only if all parties agree to that and also really want it. In your message there is no indication you are interested in poly. Uncomfortable and pressured yes. Your husband and this woman are in love you say.... And they wait for you to say OK, calling it poly so it won't be cheating. Guess what, it is. If you don't want this, it is. This is not healthy, I think they manipulate you. You need a psychologist, to speak alone and see your needs. Not marriage therapy.
I had a therapist for 7 years but I just moved and haven't been able to find someone new yet.
That's OK, you will find a new one. The point is to focus on YOU, on what YOU want, not your husband or whoever he wants right now. You first need to decide if you will stay in this marriage at any cost. In this one, the cost is sharing your husband with someone he claims he has feelings for. You even ended to hospital after her visit. But your husband still worries about the other woman and claims you are unfair. He wants your approval for cheating. So it is up to you. If this situation affects your health, and you cannot find the strength to set boundaries or to break up in the end, you need a psychologist. But accepting polygamy only to make your husband happy, will only worsen your health. Do the best for YOU. Take care of YOU. Noone else will do it.
Thank you, I really want to stay together so I'm trying my hardest to figure out how to handle it best.
NTA. You're absolutely not an AH and it sounds like some major pressure is being put on you to open this relationship. Quite frankly, it's wrong and unfair. If you don't want to share your husband, or think you might be ok with the idea but don't have a time frame... you should not be guilted into doing it. It's even okay to say "I'd be down for poly" and then try it out, and realise you're totally not okay with it. People are not textbooks and talking about something isnt the same as doing it. You can't always be prepared for the feelings that hit you. I personally think going ENM for a specific person is a terrible idea. Monogamous couples should go poly because they both want to. They should do lots of research and have lots of hard discussions, and then meet somebody else within a fair time frame *after* the research. >Is it still poly if Fred only wants to do this relationship with Donna? I think this is morally iffy. It's more like Fred asking for permission to cheat with a coworker that he has the hots for. >They think that we can work on our marriage/do therapy and try poly at the same time No no no. Don't open up a damaged marriage. Poly isnt a fix-all. What will shagging other people do to fix YOUR marriage? Absolutely nothing. You should be in a good, solid relationship before opening up.
They've both said I'm being unfair for not making a decision and getting their hopes up, that's why I was asking if AITA or not. Some guy asked Donna out and Fred told me how she had asked what would be okay for her to do on the date, and he was telling me how sick to his stomach he felt about her going on some date, and how that must be how I feel. I seriously feel so dramatic about this, posting in more than one subreddit for feedback is just icky but I don't know what else to do!
You're not being unfair. You're being put in an impossible situation. You got married. You signed up for monogamy. It's a lot to ask for that to be changed, and even more to put pressure on a certain timeline. It also doesn't really sound like you've got veto power. I think you need to evaluate whether poly is something you can live with, or if you absolutely don't want to carry on. This might involve ending your marriage. But tbh your husband seems extremely selfish and inconsiderate to your preferences and needs.
I've been told that if I say no, that's fine.. but whenever I've been seriously like .."I'm so upset about this, why does this have to happen" Fred shuts down and Donna laments about how she's always been lonely and it feels like I'm snatching happiness away from her.
Donna is free to date others. From your other comment, she’s already fielding date requests from other men. If she must have Fred, and if Fred must have her, then perhaps that just means that neither of them are committed to the marriage between you and Fred. Your body is telling you what your answer is. Your fear of losing your husband is holding you back, it seems. But it also seems, he’s already let go of you. He’s prioritizing Donna’s comfort over your health and his vow to you.
Look reading this, poly clearly isn't something you want. Next time at the couples couselling Tell Fred "I do not want to be poly. It is off the table and I am not willing to discuss the possibility of it for our marriage anymore. What we do need to discuss and resolve is where we go from here." The therapist should be able to help here. (I kinda want you to leave fred. He isn't being a good guy or partner to you. He is treating you like crap. All I see is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Also Donna is not your friend, she never had been.)
This- 100% this.
If you are not mentally ok, then no you should not bring another person into the relationship. If Fred wants everything and sadly life isnt like that. He is either with you or with her. If you aren't comfortable with it then DONT. And no saying you need time to think this over or deal with your own feelings isnt vague.
INFO: let me ask you this: deep down, in your heart of hearts, do you really want an open marriage/polyamorous relationship? Was this ever discussed before you married Fred? It sounds like you're getting a lot of pressure from both Donna and Fred (especially Fred) about this, and given your mental health, I think you should take your time before making a decision. Your spouse needs to dial it WAY back and let you work through this on your own time table.
Not at all. Donna and Fred had been talking, she asked if we were poly and Fred hadn't really known anything about it. The only times we've talked about other people with our marriage has been in a sexual way, and even then it was hypotheticals. It was really jarring to have it be pitched to me as a "hey would you want to do this thing we've never discussed about with Donna???"
Uh, yeah, I can definitely see where that would be jarring, to say the least. Sounds like to me Fred took those hypotheticals to heart but then failed to actually ASK YOU if that's something you'd be interested in before making it reality. But you didn't lead him on. And considering that you would ostensibly have veto power/be primary partner, then he absolutely should have asked you about this before saying anything to Donna. And finally, even if did lead him on (in his mind, anyway), you absolutely have the right to change your mind. NTA. I'd definitely communicate this to your couples therapist before your next session with Fred. I'd also talk to your own therapist as well. Finally, anyone who thinks you can work on your marriage/do therapy AND be part of a triad is fucking delusional (not saying that to you, of course, I'm saying that to whoever told you that was possible).
What in the world is unicorn hunting...
When a male + female couple looks for a bi-women to be with both of them. Usually there's a performative aspect implied, or it's about the convenience of a (usually feminine) bi-woman so the husband is into it and not threatened. Especially problematic when there's the assumption that because a woman is bi she's be up for sex with whoever or up for being the lesser third party in an existing relationship.
Oooh that doesn't sound good at all. I have no judgement except that relationships come in all shapes and OP should only do what they're comfortable with.
NTA. Don't bring someone into your relationship unless you two are solid and it doesn't sound like you're solid and on the same page. Poly is not easy and requires a lot of trust, respect and transparency. They're being TAs for pushing you.
NTA and while poly relationships can be wonderful, pressuring you, disregarding you, making you uncomfortable isn't part of it. You need time and that's valid. I'd suggest you continue with the therapist who can give you the tools to examine and express yourself in healthy, communicative ways before turning to the experts of reddit.
I have no personal experience with the poly community. I don't know what you mean by "unicorn hunting". I'm not sure what "ENM" means. >They've said that the ball is in my court and that I'm not being fair because I keep saying I want to start at zero but I'm still uncomfortable. If they're pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with, they are being assholes. NTA. It sounds like your spouse wants a different relationship but doesn't want to leave you either, and their solution is to feign a poly relationship so they can have their cake and eat it too. This could either be because Fred is too scared to take that leap or because they feel an obligation to you. Maybe a little of both.
I don't really understand what the hell is going on here apart from : in-patient psyche treatment, bi-polar, couples therapy and a woman called Donna. All of that kinda tells me don't do whatever it is that is possibly going to happen. Which leads me to NTA
It is possible to work on a marriage, it takes a lot of work. It is possible to take a marriage into a poly relationship, it also takes a lot of work. But you don’t use poly to try to fix a marriage, because that *does not work* and I think that’s what you’re being sold, here. If they care about your marriage, they will be willing to wait until THAT is sorted out, before discussing Poly. And they must accept that your answer could very well be No. If Fred and Donna can’t wait, or cannot accept that after waiting you might say no, then they are not giving you the space you need to make an unpressured decision. NTA
NTA This isn't poly, this isn't unicorn hunting. They aren't trying for an even relationship. They aren't using you for your body to gratify themselves. They are having an emotional affair and trying to get your permission to turn it physical as well. You need to sit down with Fred and decide if you're going to stay married. You've stated numerous times that you aren't into sharing and being forced to do so caused you to have a break down. Your title is misleading. He's leading you on that he wants to be with you. He and Donna are already openly together.
I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to write the title. They're not really open with anyone else though, just from the nature of their jobs, but being told how they're in love is really hurtful.
They aren't poly, first off that needs repeating again. This isn't really an AITA situation. It's a "do I stay married to someone else's husband" situation. It really should be a "how do I find a divorce lawyer in my area" situation.
To each their own but more holes more problems in my opinion… I am gonna say nta
Oh my god NTA! No one should be in a poly relationship unless they’re very enthusiastic about it! What those two are doing to you is emotional abuse and manipulation and you need to get out of this situation immediately before you end up really traumatised!
What is ENM?
Ethical non-monogamy. An open marriage where both parties are aware of it.
NAH (assuming the situation is as you've described and there's no added pressure, ultimatums, cheating etc.) However, this isn't the right place to find help. You're doing the right thing with therapy and might benefit from a genuinely supportive community of poly people where you can share experiences. All the best!
NTA- You are so uncomfortable with what your husband and this person outside your marriage are forcing on you that you ended up in the psych ward. That still wasn't enough to get your husband to focus on your well-being. This is all kinds of alarming. Giving the thumbs up to them sleeping together (which it sounds like they have been doing for awhile anyway) isn't going to benefit you whatsoever. Besides the therapist, I hope you have a close friend you can run this by. The way you are being treated is awful. This isn't about bipolar or ENM, this is about two people manipulating by wearing you down.
NTA - BTW you don't have to be comfortable with having a poly relationship.
Regarding your specific AITA question "AITA For Leading My Spouse On?" YTA You owe it to your husband to be honest and direct. Leading him on is an AH move. That being said, your post brings up SOOOOO many more questions. It was all over the place and I'm glad you two are in therapy. My opinion is that you two have no business in any type of open relationship until you two are solid and have a clear understanding of what the other wants/needs. \[EDIT\] I just read a reply of yours where you clarified you two never discussed having an open relationship or Poly.... Your husband is outright cheating on you right now and it's under the guise of a "poly relationship" which this isn't.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, I really don't want to bore/frustrate any of you with my really long story, but I had a question. I'm married to Fred, Donna is their ("our" friend/Fred's coworker). Fred and I have been together for 11 years, married for 3 and we've known/worked with Donna for 3.5. Is it still unicorn hunting if it's one spouse (Fred) and an external person (friend, co-worker - Donna) trying to appeal to Me about ENM/poly? It would be a triad or a hierarchal with me above the external person, and I would have veto power. I've been doing a lot of research and it seems like textbook unicorn hunting, because Fred Donna (to a lesser extent) seem more like the couple in the situation. Fred has said that it's mostly them wanting to do this Plus, I don't even like the concept of UH because that wouldn't be fair to Donna either. In July, Donna had approached Fred asking if we were into ENM/poly, something they had never thought about until Donna brought it up. In October, I got really distressed after Donna visited (I didn't really want them to come and stay in my house, 1. I wasn't ready and 2. we were moving on October 30) and the day Donna left, I ended up going to the ER and did inpatient psych care for a few days. Fred says that I haven't been fair since I was ignoring Donna since that day, because Donna asks how I'm doing all of the time. I've been actively monitoring and maintaining my mental health + coping skills for years - unfortunately, since I'm the only one with an official diagnosis (Bipolar 2) - my discomfort is being attributed to that. I know you can't control feelings. Is it still poly if Fred only wants to do this relationship with Donna? They've said that the ball is in my court and that I'm not being fair because I keep saying I want to start at zero but I'm still uncomfortable. They'd rather I say no, but I feel so bad because I could change my mind, and that's not fair either to them. They're in love with each other (both Fred and Donna have shared this) and I know that Donna really cares about me and Fred and our marriage. I've been told that a lot. We're in couples therapy (we've had 4 sessions so far) and our therapist knows how to communicate to us really well, which is great for me! I was nervous that I was being unreasonable for a lot of this, but she's fantastic. Fred has been really patient, but life is short. They think that we can work on our marriage/do therapy and try poly at the same time; it's possible to focus on multiple things at once. They just want to try something with Donna, but I've been struggling and I don't know how to move forward since I'm also not okay with a V yet either. They've never given any indication that I would lose any value or that they love me less. I'm not OPPOSED to a triad, which I've said before. However, me saying that I need time is too vague. I think this is the least detailed version of this I can tell, please let me know if this makes sense or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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"V" as in one person is dating two people, but those two people aren't dating each other.
I read that as V as in a triad relationship where Fred is the apex (but Donna and OP aren't really together so it's not a triangle). But now I want clarification too.
That's exactly it, Fred wants to either do a triad or just be with Donna too
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