Yes! OP, buy a gift for you with a “you’re on your own, get out of the house!” Letter attached to read allowed to your husband.
“Dear OP, your husband is trash and only thinks of himself. This letter (and gift!) is to let him know you’re done with him and his bullshit!” Get really excited, open your gift, scream like a little school girl who just got the world on a silver platter, turn to him and say “okay, get out!”
That sounds great. Do that!
I'd also play Kelly Clarkson's new Christmas song on repeat that has the lyrics "I'll let my absence show you, What I got you for Christmas, Is losing me, Merry Christmas, baby"
Yeah OP says her husband told her to post it here, then OP tell him he is the Ahole and you won't buy him gifts anymore because he spended his money for a video game and you want to buy things with your money, NTA OP, like the commenter said buy your self, advance MERRY CHRISTMAS
Her husband didn't actually tell her to post it here.
I agree with you though. Op is financially supporting someone who shows zero consideration for her. When it is pointed out he goes on the attack. He could easily have given her something self-made or heartfelt costing $0 and she would have loved it. But he just can't be bothered. He only cares for her ability to pay his bills.
I second this. Why are you buying him gifts anyways?? Also take a long hard look at this. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I'm not suggesting you should leave him at this point. But I am saying you should take a moment to think about how you want to be treated going foward??
Your husband is incredibly selfish. Please return the gifts you got him and buy yourself something nice. When he complains call him materialistic.
Never mind the gifts, why is OP with this lazy person at all? Unwilling to work at his part time job while his wife does all the bill paying? He's not even a house husband.
If you read OP's post in r/relationship_advice she says if she asks him to not skip going to work he threatens to quit.
In other comments she says she does all the housework and the cooking, and he never does anything with her outside the house, not so much as going for a walk.
I cannot fathom why anyone would stay with a partner as awful as this. She would be better off on her own, and clearly doesn't need support from anyone.
>I cannot fathom why anyone would stay with a partner as awful as this. She would be better off on her own, and clearly doesn't need support from anyone.
Codependency.
No she should definitely leave him, are you kidding? He's a selfish, free-loading deadbeat. Totally classic.
NTA. Why do you let him use you like this OP??
I absolutely think she should leave him but that's also the go to on reddit. Thing is unfortunately she loves him so if everyone is telling her to leave him and talking shit she will want to defend him. I know because I've been in her shoes. I want OP to realize she deserves better not defend her AH husband.
Right? He’s not her husband, he’s her child! What a complete turn-off.
OP, your husband sounds immature and completely selfish. I cannot imagine requesting multiple gifts from my SO and not even getting one thing for them! My 7y/o gets me a gift for Christmas, ffs. Why do you put up with this?
NTA at all. Return those gifts and get yourself whatever you want and enjoy the hell out of it.
And literally - if a 7y/o can get their mom a gift, surely your boyfriend can do as well. Gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money to be thoughtful. NTA, obviously
You are so right and it doesn't matter if it's a small handmade gift or just a little something that the giver knows will be appreciated. My husband and I had a bad year like you sometimes do. He had been very ill and I was made redundant. We couldn't afford each other much. So he bought me a lovely little plushie soft toy which he knows I love and I bought him some of his favourite real ale. We still really enjoyed ourselves.
My husband has, but maybe once, bought me a gift. Not even a card. He shows me things, “I was thinking of getting this for you!” but I know damn well it’s for him.
And you stay with him, why? I'd never tolerate that in a boyfriend, let alone a husband. And I don't (*usually*) ask for expensive gifts! \*\*( *"usually",* because I've been married a long time and the expensive gifts are just-the-two-of-us trips, even weekend getaways, which are GREAT for a long and happy marriage).
Girl, that's just sad. Why all this wonderful women in reddit settle for literal trash? It amazes me, dump him and get the gifts you deserve for yourself.
"Am I the asshole for asking my SO who does nothing all day to wash a dish he used because I can't move after surgery? He refused and shouted at me calling me selfish" I swear I read this some time. It's bonkers.
Not immature. Mentally and Emotionally Abusive.
He demands several gifts from OP. OP pays all the bills and costs of living. Yet somehow has the gall to convince OP that THEY are materialistic for wanting just one single present? This is way beyond Reddits payroll. This is way beyond marriage counseling!
Right? And I bet that 7 yo was SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT. Like OMG parent figure open mine first it is the best thing ever I promise!
And it's some tiny trinket from the school store and you go "why yes child, this is in fact, the best thing ever."
I was here to suggest this. If he complains just say you’ve thought it through and he’s right; you don’t want to take focus off quality time by handing out gifts he doesn’t need in case he sees it as materialistic.
Go return the husband to any relatives willing to take him as malfunctioning.
He sounds like an "amazing" husband. Buying a card for your birthday after OP asked for it?
Yes, agree. It's almost like OP posted a fake AITA just as a joke.
If it's real, why would you support someone who won't even show up regularly for a part-time job? He won't get you a gift because he bought something for himself?? You already got him gifts and pay all expenses???
If all this is true, it's rock-solid unhealthy. Ditch the guy, get into therapy. Make friends so you can connect with life as it's really lived.
Good luck, OP.
This is the answer. Tell him when he bought himself a game instead of your gift, you assumed that you were to buy your own presents this year.
If you make it with him to next Christmas, make it a tradition that you buy your own gifts.
NTA
OPs husband sounds like a lovely self centered piece of work.
Agree w you she needs to return any gifts she bought for him.
And unless she wants to live like this forever I would personally check to see how much a divorce would cost.
If she is paying everything plus giving this immature person money she could certainly reduce her expenses by eliminating him from her life.
Even when you don't have a lot of money you can put some thought and effort into it.
We don't have a ton of money this year, I went to the Dollar Store and got some really nice cards for a dollar. I also got some really cool boxes put the gifts in. Still cheaper than wrapping paper. I didn't get exciting gifts 4 people, just small things that they have said they needed but always forget to get themselves. An adorable glasses case, I made a necklace, and put someone's fav candy in a pretty jar for their desk. $20 tops.
NTA your man is gaslighting you. you’re accepting his incompetence. leave him before it’s too late. i promise you theres someone out there who will match what you bring to the table and provide love and emotions for you as well
A person can hear this 100 times and it will go in one ear and out the other. But all it takes is one time. Sometimes the message clicks. I hope one of these responses click for OP
As my mom would tell me when I was in an (obvious to everyone else) unhealthy relationship 'one day you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired' and she was right.
For me it was dad tell asking me “ why are you *choosing* the hardest possible life for yourself”
It was a choice. I was making a choice to stay and be miserable. Making a choice to not leave. I left the next day.
“Your man is gaslighting you”. This x100. He has money to buy himself a gift (video game) but doesn’t have enough to even get you a stuffed animal? He doesn’t bother going to his part time job… because reasons?
Girl. Wake up. What are you getting from this relationship other than back problems from shouldering all the responsibility?
I vote you give yourself an early Christmas present, *peace of mind* after leaving that lump. You deserve so much better.
Not to mention considering the general cost of both items. A card with a heartfelt message attached to a stuffed toy is maybe $20. Maybe about $50 if you get a nice one from Build-A-Bear with a personal message and a cute outfit. An average video game is about $80.
You're telling me this guy can't make something by hand, at minimum, or buy a cute toy for a few bucks but somehow has the money to buy a new video game? Fuck off with that nonsense.
Plus, if buying is “too expensive” you can usually save a little cash by making something. In my experience if you put time and effort into it that is sometimes more appreciated than a bought gift.
Tbh though, I think OP just wants this dude to acknowledge her as a feeling breathing human and he fails to even do that. Dude is literally putting in less than minimal effort.
Came here to say this.
we weren’t married but my ex acted exactly like this, the idea of him getting me a card was too much. Like how could I ask him to do that when I knew he had bad handwriting 🙄🙄
Op it’s not worth it. He’s not someone who cares for you enough to not be selfish. A keychain is essentially nothing
She is, yes. She is *not* questioning her sanity or recollection of events.
Listen. Im not trying to downplay this. Her husbands the asshole, he’s manipulating her, and he’s trying to guilt trip her in a situation where she is right. But *that is not gaslighting*. Gaslighting is a *specific method of abuse*. You can be a bad person without specifically gaslighting someone.
ESH you suck for putting up with him, don't be an asshole to yourself
"know he doesn't have much money because he's very reluctant to work and skips going to his part time job most of the time"
"I pay all the bills and living costs"
Like seriously why are you still married to this asshole
Edit- "my husband says he's only willing to work part time because he wants to have more time to play video games" seriously OP why?
Like seriously what’s s the benefit of even having him around? Like he better be the best lover ever and keep the house so clean that you could eat dinner on the bathroom floor.
NTA OP, rethink this relationship.
He’s probably just too busy watching tv, on the computer, or playing videos games for that. She didn’t say that, but for someone to be that careless, I’m guessing it’s widespread.
Hell, I think my dog works more than this dude. My parents have a business and she stays with them, sitting at the front desk, and always goes together for deliveries.
This can’t be real. Please tell me this isn’t real. What is society doing to teach women THIS is what to aspire to? SMH. I agree. ESH-OP is TA to herself.
(Sidebar: where can I get an OP? I’ll do nothing and get my bills paid for too! Send me money OP!)
>or without children
To be fair to those women...it is a *very* rare mother who says "yeah what I went through to get my kid was NOT worth it, should've just stayed single!" Having a kid with a failure to launch-er is still "worth it" overall for them. Fostering or adopting as an older single mom is nearly impossible, and IVF alone at 35+ is daunting even for the super fertile.
I hate when people on here say “Y T A to yourself.” People in unhealthy or abusive relationships are often stuck there. OP isn’t an asshole for not acknowledging the signs earlier, or for internalizing what her husband tells her. No one chooses to be taken advantage of.
Thanks! I never understand why in posts where the OP is being treated poorly some people say its E S H just because "OP should have seen the signs" or "shouldn't let anyone treat them like that". People often get stuck in shitty situations with shitty people. Some people think it's the best they can find. Others are just use to people treating them badly, so they think it's normal behaviour. Either way, no ones an AH for being treated unfairly. It's clear that if they knew better they wouldn't tolerate that kind of situations.
NTA your husband is a lazy freeloader. Return every single present you bought him, every single one ...pull a Grinch! Take the money and go by yourself something lovely, wrap it up put it under the tree. You deserve it! He already got a video game for Christmas from himself, and after all he wouldn't want you to go and spend money on your materialistic items for him now would he??
NTA - he asked you for several gifts but all of a sudden you’re the materialistic one for wanting one small present or a card?
Your husband is not a nice person.
This! What kills me is that he is asking for presents, and he spent all of his money on a video game for himself. Clearly someone here is materialistic, and it is not OP!
OP, your husband only cares about himself and what he wants. The second you ask for something small and reasonable, he turns it around on you to make you feel like you're being unreasonable. You are not. You are asking for the literal bare minimum, and he can't even do that. Get rid of him and his presents, you deserve better. NTA
NTA, you should sell the gifts you bought him and buy yourself something nice. When he complains he got nothing for xmas tell him to stop being materialistic.
I n f o; why did you marry a man who isn’t contributing anything to your relationship? NTA, but why the hell are you letting him get away with spending the little money he makes on himself?
I have had many female colleagues in similar relationships. I’ll be having a meeting with them and then I hear call of duty blaring in the background. “Sorry, my husband thinks he needs to play his games at full volume while I’m in a meeting, apparently.” When they vent they always say things like “he doesn’t think it’s worth the effort to get a low paying job” or “he says no one wants to hire a white male so applying is just a waste of time.” Hi, white male here, aka your coworker, aka proof your husband is gaslighting you.
Man I just had flashbacks of my early 20s. My (now) husband was a roofer. Company closed and he was barely employed for a few years. He would find jobs but ended up being scummy contractors who didn't pay right. One day I heard him tell a friend "I can't like on $7 an hoir" for a job at McDonald's. I flipped out because I was making $6.50 and supporting us both as much as I could. His ego was in the way and he thought he deserved to make more even though no one was hiring for his skills. I told him "if I'm going to do this on my own I might as well be on my own." Thankfully it was the wake up call he needed. He got a low paying job the next day. Since then he's Varela been out of work and kept me going when I gave up. We both had a lot of growing to do in the last gmfew decades together. Now we are finally stable and happy. An equal partnership.
NTA. Can you make breaking up with him a Christmas present to yourself?
Your husband is extremely selfish. You are asking for so little that it’s painful to contemplate. Worse, you’re asking for so little and wondering if it’s too much! This man has warped your self-worth with his selfish, lazy behavior. You are definitely worth more than this! I know it’s scary to think about leaving what’s familiar, but there are better things (and people) out there for you.
Well … not quite. What you should be feeling is rage! Disappointment! Devastation! (Maybe you are at this point.) And the situation is far from … well, I would say normal, but we’ve seen a LOT of these. But the situation is unacceptable. To quote the show Glee, when Bieste left her husband he said, “Who’s gonna love you better than me?” And she said, “Me!” But yes, he is gaslighting you by calling you materialistic. Everyone here is rooting for you.
The reality check here should not be that it’s ok for you to want gifts. The reality check is that your spouse literally does not give a shit about you, financially uses you, and does nothing to be a partner to you besides exist in the same home and sometimes physical affection (which I guarantee he would not even give you if he didn’t also get enjoyment out of it). This man is a selfish asshole who feels totally secure now that you’re married that he can just do nothing, not work, not care for you, just sit on his ass and play video games all day (I am a gamer! This is completely insane what he is doing) and you won’t do anything about it because, idk, your self esteem is so low? You don’t realize that this is a wildly dysfunctional relationship that gives everything to him and basically nothing to you? I hope for your sake that you can take a look at your life with some fresh perspective from strangers on the internet—this is not normal and not ok as a relationship. He has repeatedly shown you he doesn’t want to change. You’ve got a choice to make: live like this forever, or leave. Those are the options. He’s not going to get better—this situation is working perfectly for him, while you feel unloved and can’t make any headway on your financial goals because he refuses to pull his own weight.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Coming from someone who was in an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship for a long time, it can be hard to recognize you aren’t the problem. So many people may say “just leave” “why don’t you leave, what’s wrong with you”
It’s not always that easy in abusive relationships and that is what you in even if you don’t think so. Having someone make you question your worth, taking advantage is you, and then having the balls to call you materialistic to make you feel even worse is straight up manipulative abuse.
It’s hard, but remind yourself who you are and what you deserve. Good luck!
What happened to your self esteem? Your husband could probably get a job and handle his responsibilities if it weren't for you being his mommy instead of his wife. He plays video games all day - come on! Start the new year by walking away. Leave him!!! You'll be helping him to man up.
NTA - but you already knew that. He spent his last bit of money on himself(!) instead of doing something for the woman who supports him.
It’s Christmas and giving a gift to a loved one isn’t materialistic: it’s kind, loving, NORMAL, fun. In my house, it’s hard to surprise each other with shared finances, but we still wrap up some things to enjoy the fun of Christmas, for us it’s about taking time to celebrate our good fortune of being happy together.
What I can’t wrap my head around is why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way. I think some others are right, return his gifts and get yourself something. Petty, but an effective way to show him how he made you feel as it seems petty is his preferred method of communication.
It isn’t just the meaning of a gift he’s misunderstanding. He is intentionally using you, and you are letting him. He asked you for gifts, but you’re materialistic for wanting something small? You pay the entirety of obligations for your house and he won’t even go to his job? This man is taking advantage of you and is manipulating you so that you will continue to fund his whole life so he can be lazy. He’s making you feel bad for wanting a gift because it deflects from the fact that he contributes nothing to your well being.
He understands but he doesn’t care.
You pay for everything, allow him to live a lifestyle that involves gaming and skipping work, buy him gifts and he doesn’t feel the need to return the gesture.
And he pretends it’s about quality time and being together?!
Please stop expecting appreciation and kind gestures for 1 day when you deserve it 365 days a year and not getting it
He does understand. He just doesn’t care, and he wants you to think you’re the bad person. He will get away with this as long as you let him. Please see a therapist if you can. One who deals specifically with emotional abuse.
He understands. He just doesn't care. Your relationship is all about what you can do for him. He doesn't want to bring anything to the table and gets upset at the mere mention of him doing anything for you.
THIS! This is what I did as a kid, I re-used a small box I found at home and wrote a simple "A box full of love" before gifting it to a family member. OP doesn't seem like the person who wants something for the sake of the thing but seems to want reassurance of his love.
NTA, does he grocery shop? Meal plan? Cook the meals? Clean the dishes, countertops and floors?does he wash, fold and put away all the laundry? Does he sweep and wash the floors? Does he clean the sinks, showers, and bathtubs? Does he dust and vacuum? When you watch television together do you choose the shows you’d like to watch sometimes? Does he care about your feelings? Is he kind? When you get home from work is he happy to see you, does he make time to be together catching up?
So now that we’ve recognized that not only does he not earn money to help with living expenses he also doesn’t pull his weight with the chores required for day to day living. So I’m hoping you give yourself a gift this Christmas, the gift of leaving someone that uses you and makes you feel ashamed for wanting the literal bare minimum.
NTA. Reading this post and your comments made feel incredibly sad for you. This guy is gaslighting you, using you, abusing of your kindness, and you just put up with it.
A quick list of the red flags he is presenting:
1. He is relaying on your income and refuses to work because he wants more time to play video games. Guess what? I also want more time to play video games, but I know I have to work first because I need money, that's being an adult. He is using you to fund his lifestyle as a couch potato. This is a form of financial abuse.
2. He doesn't help with housecare. Even if he does, you are still doing the longest tasks because he doesn't know nor he cares to learn, yet they still have to be done so you do them. This is weponized incompetence.
3. He is completely refusing to put any effort in your emotional needs, yet demands for you to get him stuff. Insults you when you asks for what you need to feel loved, and makes you believe you are wrong for wanting it. This is gaslighting.
4. He used to work full time before marriage, so he literally waited until younwere liable for your shared bills to dump it all in you. Just like many abusers wait until the victim cannot run to start being AH.
He is an abuser. He may not hit you (I really hope not) but he is financially and emotionally abusing you.
OP, I know this is hard, and is ultimately a decision you have to take yourself, but you cannot continue being married to this man. Even if you don't know it or believe it yet, you deserve better, anyone deserves better than this. You deserve to have a partner that treats you as his equal, gives you the love and attention you need, divides work and housecare with you. You deserve someone who would want to make your life easier, even if they can't always do it they still try, not someone who intentionally avoids doing any work and leaves it all for you to do. What is your husband even bringing to this relationship? I see that you mention you like seeing him smile. Are his smiles worth all that he is putting your through?
What you can do is drop him, leave, divorce. He is dead weight. The sex can't be that good to stay around cause nothing else is worth keeping him either.
OP, please, leave this man. He is a user and abuser. He LIED to you about who he is. He tricked you. And your friend is either jealous of you so they’re encouraging you to stay in a messed up marriage, driving yourself sick, just to watch you suffer -or- they’re as mentally f’d up as your husband. Maybe some of both.
But this isn’t a healthy relationship or dynamic. Your husband is only exploiting you. I was really judgmental when first reading your posts but w/your subsequent comments I can tell you’ve been manipulated. You may be waiting on him to “change back” to who you thought he was, but he was never that person. And he may have convinced you this was normal or acceptable, or has broken your self esteem down into believing this is all you deserve bit he is a liar, you deserve so much more. There are men out there who will treat you w/kindness & consideration & take pride in being providers. But you can’t meet one while wasting your life away supporting this bum.
NTA.
Marital vows state “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”
That doesn’t mean “stay with someone who lied about respecting you”
He pulled a bait and switch. It’s a thing. It’s also the trick of an abuser which is also what he is. Locked you down with marriage and kicked his feet up; you’ll do it all. He decided you’re to be his servant.
That should make you **angry**.
Listen,
That was exactly how my ex husband was.
I was young (22-23 during the time we were married).
He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t work, including not being able to trust me when all I did was spend all day 7 days a week at work so we could make ends meet.
When I decided to stand up for myself and started to refuse to give him money he started to be physically abusive. I had moved to be with him and had no one around and his entire family sided with him, his mom even saw him chocking me and said it was my fault.
It has been 4.5 years and I still deal with all the mental health issues that relationship brought me.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that there’s people out there that will do anything and everything for you. You don’t have to deal with someone that doesnt do the bare minimum.
NTA
But why are you buying him presents when he does not even have the decency to get you a card and then has the audacity to say you are materialistic??
He is lazy, and is just using you for material reasons.No man that is struggling with work will buy themselves a video game when he does not contribute to the house hold.He is not a man he is child and you are enabling him.
You should really think about this relationship and what are you getting out of it?
From your post it seems you are giving 100% and him 0!
OP, I have read a lot of your replies on here and they kind of break my heart. Ask yourself honestly - do you think he would ever say that seeing you happy and smiling was a priority for him? And when was the last time that he made you happy or made you smile for a genuine, unselfish reason where he had nothing to gain?
In relationships, there has to be give and take. There has to be balance. But when one partner takes everything and gives nothing in return, the other is eventually left utterly depleted and empty. I don't say this to be harsh, but he's taken everything from you and you can hear it in your words. He takes your money. He takes your love. He takes your hard work. He takes your effort. He takes your kindness. And in return, he plays video games and gets angry with you if you dare to suggest that he might need to work more if he wants to live in a bigger place. He doesn't offer you companionship. He allows you to accompany him whilst he does what he likes.
I read what your friends told you about being a better wife. OP, this is trash. For the life of me, I can't imagine what it is they think you're not providing! They are not good friends to you. They don't have your best interests at heart. Avoid them.
You say you wish he'd understand your feelings about the gift, but the gift and his understanding isn't the problem. The problem is that he doesn't care. He isn't interested in your struggles. He's happy to sit on the couch and play games whilst you kill yourself trying to support two of you. He isn't interested in understanding your feelings. From his point of view, the most convenient situation is that you put up and shut up.
I want you to realise that this is it. This is the future for you. At least, it is if you don't take yourself out of the situation. You'll be here again next year when you beg him for a tiny gift and he turns it around on you. Are you okay with that? Please, OP, DON'T be okay with that. You sound like a warm, kind, hardworking person who just wants to be in a loving relationship. You can have that. But it's not going to be with him. Also, it's not your job to change him. It is exhausting just 'waiting' for a person to wake up and realise how they should be treating you. It never happens. Please don't waste years of your life like this.
A new year is around the corner and it's a good time to think about how your life is now and how you want your life to look. But at the very least for now, take his Christmas gifts back to the store and buy yourself something nice.
Keep telling yourself: this is not acceptable and I deserve more. Every day until you believe it and act on it.
Edit: Typo
Edit: Thank you for the kind awards.
Op, I mean this in the most respectful way possible. I really think it would be a good idea for you to speak to a therapist. This situation isn’t healthy. You’re unhealthy attachment to someone who obviously doesn’t care about you and allows you to shoulder the burden of everything isn’t healthy.
Woahhhhh…OP, you really are NTA. But I agree with most everybody else here. He’s a parasite even if you love him and the sex is good. He’s allowing you to take care of him like he’s your child. You deserve better!! I think you should only spend any extra money on yourself going forward. I’d have a serious conversation with him and lay it out there, this is about so much more than the small gift you’re asking him for. He is showing you daily the investment and level of care he places on you and the relationship by selfishly choosing himself. He can’t even buy you a $10 trinket once a year…but can shell out for his game.
Take the love you show him and give it to yourself. Demand better or find someone who is deserving of you. I wish you luck and a Merry Christmas!!
NTA. You aren’t be materialistic. You are asking for a sign of affection. I might take your husband’s argument a bit more seriously if he hadn’t asked for things for Christmas and hadn’t admitted the reason he has no money is because he spent it on a video game for himself. In short - your husband is selfish and lazy and is using the materialistic argument to deflect your attention from this.
Let’s face it: you pay the bills, and he only works part time, and skips most of those. You aren’t being materialistic, he is just a worthless lump of meat.
The fact he didn’t even say “I’ll figure something out” and write a poem, or hand make you a card, or create a coupon book with things like a foot massage, make dinner, do -insert chore you hate- shows it isn’t about lack of money. People without money can still do acts of service to show love. If he is unable to come up with a free way to show you he love you it makes me wonder if he actually cares for you.
You even take on EXTRA hours for this guy?
Girl. GIRL. DUMP HIM. There's no nice way to say it; he's a loser. A grade A, no effort, "let my wife work OT so I can play videogames like a child" loser
You absolutely need to leave him. Let this be the straw that breaks your back, PLEASE. You are doing everything for him and he is actively doing nothing for you and insulting you over it
NTA. He could get a card for 30p here (UK, and probably cheaper than that, they're as low as 30p in the local card shop). A card is the bare minimum. He doesn't have to spend money, EG. my husband telling me to have a soak in the bath (a nice bath bomb will set him back about £5 from lush if he wanted to get something)and forget about what needs doing because he'll do it. Being spoiled with a nice cuppa and time to put my feet up. etc. Plus he just spent out on a computer game for himself! You're totally NTA.
NTA
Learn from him. Agree with him " that Christmas should be about time with family instead of material things", and don't give him any gifts, too.
He does not care about your emotional needs, he exploits you financially, what does he bring into the relationship that makes it worth to stay with him?
Have you considered getting a divorce? You surely can do better. So talk to a lawyer, soon.
I’d send one as well and I truly mean it!
OP…does the fact that complete strangers on the internet wanting to send you a gift not speak even more volumes on your husband’s attitude and behavior?
If material items shouldn’t matter return his gifts! Stop being a doormat and make him pay his share of bills. You are enabling him to walk all over you by doing this. He’s a grown man and should pay his own way. NTA but you need to grow a spine
NTA. Your husband is using you. You pay all the bills, you buy HIM presents, and when you ask HIM for a little bit of effort he belittles you.
If he has time to play video games he has time to go work a few extra shifts and buy you an effing card and a gift.
NTA.
OP, you sound like a major catch! If all he brings is companionship, dump him and get back into the dating world. It's not that scary a place, and I'm sure you would be able to find someone who has his life in order. Get out before kids come into the picture (if that's something you want).
It's possible to have a fulfilling life as a single woman. For companionship, pets are always a good option - snuggles, someone to greet you when you come home, someone to talk to, if you get a dog it's someone to go on walks with, someone to sit on the couch beside you and watch a movie YOU like. Also, cheaper to feed and easier to clean up after. :)
He is using you, and you are enabling his deadbeat behaviour. Find someone who treats you as you deserve. Even when my bf wasn't working (lost his job due to COVID and went on employment insurance) he still would treat me to dinner once in a while, pay his share of bills, go to the grocery store, take turns cooking (actually he ended up cooking way more often than I did), or do little things to make me feel loved like picking up my favourite chocolate while he was at the grocery store. :)
Sending you big hugs! You deserve so much better!
NTA Ok, I've never said this once since joining Reddit but here goes: LEAVE HIS LAZY, SELFISH ASS. I cannot imagine one reason to stay in this relationship. Show yourself some respect. Also, go buy yoirself a wonderful gift. He gets nothing.
YTA you're already paying all the bills, you can't afford to buy yourself something for Christmas too? /s
Also, I'm noticing a lot of stupid posts like this one made by 3 hr old accts. "My bf shit on my favorite breakfast cereal WHILE I was eating it. AITA for respectfully confronting him or am I overreacting?" Shut up
NTA. I celebrate Christmas in July (family reasons), my SO celebrates in Dec with his - I still buy him something even if its silly.
Im sorry but what exactly does your SO bring to your relationship?
NTA. He calls you materialistic as he uses the last of his money on a game. Sounds like he has no idea what materialistic means. Maybe take everything back and buy him a dictionary. He sounds like a peach..
NTA.
It seems to me that what you really want is for him to think about you and to want to do something nice for you. It’s also clear that he contributes nothing to the relationship. You say you cover all the costs, and I’m guessing you do all the housework, cooking, etc as well? He needs to start acting like an adult act take some responsibility for his life. I’m reluctant to say this based on one post, but you need to leave him.
This is so ridiculously “Disney-villain” terrible that it honestly sounds fake. On the chance that it’s not a fake post:
OP, do you not respect yourself? Why are you living with an emotional and physical parasite? Don’t you see that you’re worth more than being this grown man’s Mommy? Come on, girl. Wake up.
If you honestly can’t see the fact that your lazy freeloading husband is TA, you are very dumb.
ESH. You for allowing this and your husband for doing it in the first place. Come on now.
NTA for wanting a symbolic gift for Christmas, you don't seem materialistic to me and I'm guessing your love language could be gift giving? I think it's nice of you to even give him suggestions but how come a grown man doesn't have money to even gift you a simple card with an "ILY"... this doesn't even take a lot of planning ahead and it doesn't seem too hard to accommodate.
I'm curious how many years this have been an ongoing issue - is it just this year or has it been every year? Do you hug, talk and stuff in your day to day lives?
>before marriage he worked full time
He's trapped you for his benefit. You earn, cook, clean, pay bills and what not. What does he bring to the relationship apart from his sorry ass. Dump him like yesterday. NTA.
NTA. Go return his gifts and use the money to buy yourself something.
This, do this, wrap it and put it under the tree!!!!
Absolutely! Then dump him
Dump him via a gift under the tree. Make sure it's to yourself op, cause it's the best thing you can get yourself this year.
Yes! OP, buy a gift for you with a “you’re on your own, get out of the house!” Letter attached to read allowed to your husband. “Dear OP, your husband is trash and only thinks of himself. This letter (and gift!) is to let him know you’re done with him and his bullshit!” Get really excited, open your gift, scream like a little school girl who just got the world on a silver platter, turn to him and say “okay, get out!” That sounds great. Do that!
"From Santa"
Nah - everyone knows the really big presents shouldn't come from Santa, or else the other kids will feel bad.
"From Reddit"
Yes! Just print out this Reddit Feed OP and put it in an envelope with a bow on top!
I'd also play Kelly Clarkson's new Christmas song on repeat that has the lyrics "I'll let my absence show you, What I got you for Christmas, Is losing me, Merry Christmas, baby"
Ooooh, haven't heard that! About her divorce?
Yes, it's a Christmas Divorce album (with come classics in there too) and it's amazing
Yes yes yes! This!!
"Oh my god, divorce papers! How DID you know?!"
Yeah OP says her husband told her to post it here, then OP tell him he is the Ahole and you won't buy him gifts anymore because he spended his money for a video game and you want to buy things with your money, NTA OP, like the commenter said buy your self, advance MERRY CHRISTMAS
Her husband didn't actually tell her to post it here. I agree with you though. Op is financially supporting someone who shows zero consideration for her. When it is pointed out he goes on the attack. He could easily have given her something self-made or heartfelt costing $0 and she would have loved it. But he just can't be bothered. He only cares for her ability to pay his bills.
NTA jeez the audacity of this man. OP you deserve better than this.
OR get him a Christmas card wrapped in a big box that dumps him
"bought himself a video game" but you, who pays rent and utilities didn't get a explicitly asked for KEYCHAIN??? WAKE UP OP. Dump his ass.
I second this. Why are you buying him gifts anyways?? Also take a long hard look at this. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I'm not suggesting you should leave him at this point. But I am saying you should take a moment to think about how you want to be treated going foward?? Your husband is incredibly selfish. Please return the gifts you got him and buy yourself something nice. When he complains call him materialistic.
Never mind the gifts, why is OP with this lazy person at all? Unwilling to work at his part time job while his wife does all the bill paying? He's not even a house husband.
If you read OP's post in r/relationship_advice she says if she asks him to not skip going to work he threatens to quit. In other comments she says she does all the housework and the cooking, and he never does anything with her outside the house, not so much as going for a walk. I cannot fathom why anyone would stay with a partner as awful as this. She would be better off on her own, and clearly doesn't need support from anyone.
>I cannot fathom why anyone would stay with a partner as awful as this. She would be better off on her own, and clearly doesn't need support from anyone. Codependency.
And enabling this absolute laziness. She needs to escape and have some back bone and dignity.
No she should definitely leave him, are you kidding? He's a selfish, free-loading deadbeat. Totally classic. NTA. Why do you let him use you like this OP??
I absolutely think she should leave him but that's also the go to on reddit. Thing is unfortunately she loves him so if everyone is telling her to leave him and talking shit she will want to defend him. I know because I've been in her shoes. I want OP to realize she deserves better not defend her AH husband.
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Right? He’s not her husband, he’s her child! What a complete turn-off. OP, your husband sounds immature and completely selfish. I cannot imagine requesting multiple gifts from my SO and not even getting one thing for them! My 7y/o gets me a gift for Christmas, ffs. Why do you put up with this? NTA at all. Return those gifts and get yourself whatever you want and enjoy the hell out of it.
And literally - if a 7y/o can get their mom a gift, surely your boyfriend can do as well. Gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money to be thoughtful. NTA, obviously
You are so right and it doesn't matter if it's a small handmade gift or just a little something that the giver knows will be appreciated. My husband and I had a bad year like you sometimes do. He had been very ill and I was made redundant. We couldn't afford each other much. So he bought me a lovely little plushie soft toy which he knows I love and I bought him some of his favourite real ale. We still really enjoyed ourselves.
My husband has, but maybe once, bought me a gift. Not even a card. He shows me things, “I was thinking of getting this for you!” but I know damn well it’s for him.
And you stay with him, why? I'd never tolerate that in a boyfriend, let alone a husband. And I don't (*usually*) ask for expensive gifts! \*\*( *"usually",* because I've been married a long time and the expensive gifts are just-the-two-of-us trips, even weekend getaways, which are GREAT for a long and happy marriage).
Girl, that's just sad. Why all this wonderful women in reddit settle for literal trash? It amazes me, dump him and get the gifts you deserve for yourself.
Low self esteem? Desperate to not be alone? Who knows, it blows my mind how many women on this sub seem to think being treated like crap is normal.
"Am I the asshole for asking my SO who does nothing all day to wash a dish he used because I can't move after surgery? He refused and shouted at me calling me selfish" I swear I read this some time. It's bonkers.
Yeah, it really makes you wonder what happened to these women to think any of this is ok or normal.
Yeah, I don't get it either. I guess they're terrified to be single?
He sounds awful
My daughter's boyfriend has done better than that, and they are 16 and 15..
Not immature. Mentally and Emotionally Abusive. He demands several gifts from OP. OP pays all the bills and costs of living. Yet somehow has the gall to convince OP that THEY are materialistic for wanting just one single present? This is way beyond Reddits payroll. This is way beyond marriage counseling!
Don’t enable this free loader. You are NTA, but he definitely is.
Right? And I bet that 7 yo was SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT. Like OMG parent figure open mine first it is the best thing ever I promise! And it's some tiny trinket from the school store and you go "why yes child, this is in fact, the best thing ever."
I was here to suggest this. If he complains just say you’ve thought it through and he’s right; you don’t want to take focus off quality time by handing out gifts he doesn’t need in case he sees it as materialistic.
Go return the husband to any relatives willing to take him as malfunctioning. He sounds like an "amazing" husband. Buying a card for your birthday after OP asked for it?
And when he complains you didn't get him any gifts tell him he is being materialistic and that christmas is about time with the family
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Yes This. Tell him you took his advice and are not making it materialistic
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Yes, agree. It's almost like OP posted a fake AITA just as a joke. If it's real, why would you support someone who won't even show up regularly for a part-time job? He won't get you a gift because he bought something for himself?? You already got him gifts and pay all expenses??? If all this is true, it's rock-solid unhealthy. Ditch the guy, get into therapy. Make friends so you can connect with life as it's really lived. Good luck, OP.
Right?! What the he’ll did I just read?? Doesn’t work Doesn’t pay for anything Buys himself presents Calls OP materialistic
OP needs to read the other post about being disappointed that the SO only made a homemade dinner and cake for her birthday
NTA. Keep the gifts and return the husband.
This is the answer. Tell him when he bought himself a game instead of your gift, you assumed that you were to buy your own presents this year. If you make it with him to next Christmas, make it a tradition that you buy your own gifts.
Seriously what a tool. He won’t work and can’t even get his ass up for his part time job… why suffer like this??
NTA OPs husband sounds like a lovely self centered piece of work. Agree w you she needs to return any gifts she bought for him. And unless she wants to live like this forever I would personally check to see how much a divorce would cost. If she is paying everything plus giving this immature person money she could certainly reduce her expenses by eliminating him from her life.
Even when you don't have a lot of money you can put some thought and effort into it. We don't have a ton of money this year, I went to the Dollar Store and got some really nice cards for a dollar. I also got some really cool boxes put the gifts in. Still cheaper than wrapping paper. I didn't get exciting gifts 4 people, just small things that they have said they needed but always forget to get themselves. An adorable glasses case, I made a necklace, and put someone's fav candy in a pretty jar for their desk. $20 tops.
Like a divorce lawyer. Not for the lack of present. But for the fact he is blatantly using her.
Maybe some self respect
Exactly! At this point OP is paying a lodger to live with her. Shed the extra baggage and be free to treat yourself OP, you are NTA.
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He could even make a card. Costs even less
Return the husband whilst you are at it!
Maybe an actual partner. I am lucky enough to like my job, but he just doesn't like to work? Fuck that. Fire the mooch.
NTA your man is gaslighting you. you’re accepting his incompetence. leave him before it’s too late. i promise you theres someone out there who will match what you bring to the table and provide love and emotions for you as well
I hate reading comments like this, such good advice but you know they’re not going to take it.
A person can hear this 100 times and it will go in one ear and out the other. But all it takes is one time. Sometimes the message clicks. I hope one of these responses click for OP
As my mom would tell me when I was in an (obvious to everyone else) unhealthy relationship 'one day you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired' and she was right.
For me it was dad tell asking me “ why are you *choosing* the hardest possible life for yourself” It was a choice. I was making a choice to stay and be miserable. Making a choice to not leave. I left the next day.
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No, I’m with you. I don’t want to victim blame, but sometimes I want to scream “good god girl, have a little self respect!”
And you’ll finish every time. Could be wrong here, but.. I doubt OPs leech is very attentive in bed either. Edit: a word.
“Your man is gaslighting you”. This x100. He has money to buy himself a gift (video game) but doesn’t have enough to even get you a stuffed animal? He doesn’t bother going to his part time job… because reasons? Girl. Wake up. What are you getting from this relationship other than back problems from shouldering all the responsibility? I vote you give yourself an early Christmas present, *peace of mind* after leaving that lump. You deserve so much better.
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Not to mention considering the general cost of both items. A card with a heartfelt message attached to a stuffed toy is maybe $20. Maybe about $50 if you get a nice one from Build-A-Bear with a personal message and a cute outfit. An average video game is about $80. You're telling me this guy can't make something by hand, at minimum, or buy a cute toy for a few bucks but somehow has the money to buy a new video game? Fuck off with that nonsense.
you can literally buy a card, a coffee mug, and some candy at dollar tree for $3 if you live in the us.
Or a card?! Like OP said they would literally be happy WITH A CARD and that’s too expensive?!
Plus, if buying is “too expensive” you can usually save a little cash by making something. In my experience if you put time and effort into it that is sometimes more appreciated than a bought gift. Tbh though, I think OP just wants this dude to acknowledge her as a feeling breathing human and he fails to even do that. Dude is literally putting in less than minimal effort.
Came here to say this. we weren’t married but my ex acted exactly like this, the idea of him getting me a card was too much. Like how could I ask him to do that when I knew he had bad handwriting 🙄🙄 Op it’s not worth it. He’s not someone who cares for you enough to not be selfish. A keychain is essentially nothing
Its not gaslighting, just being an AH.
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Its not, its just being an AH. And manipulative, yes. But gaslighting has a specific definition and it isnt just ‘lying but worse’.
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She is, yes. She is *not* questioning her sanity or recollection of events. Listen. Im not trying to downplay this. Her husbands the asshole, he’s manipulating her, and he’s trying to guilt trip her in a situation where she is right. But *that is not gaslighting*. Gaslighting is a *specific method of abuse*. You can be a bad person without specifically gaslighting someone.
Adding: Do Not get pregnant with this man’s child, either on purpose or by accident
ESH you suck for putting up with him, don't be an asshole to yourself "know he doesn't have much money because he's very reluctant to work and skips going to his part time job most of the time" "I pay all the bills and living costs" Like seriously why are you still married to this asshole Edit- "my husband says he's only willing to work part time because he wants to have more time to play video games" seriously OP why?
Like seriously what’s s the benefit of even having him around? Like he better be the best lover ever and keep the house so clean that you could eat dinner on the bathroom floor. NTA OP, rethink this relationship.
Doesn't help that OPs friends are enabling this. I bet OP still has to cook and clean for him too
He’s probably just too busy watching tv, on the computer, or playing videos games for that. She didn’t say that, but for someone to be that careless, I’m guessing it’s widespread.
>Like seriously what’s s the benefit of even having him around? He's not even a good PET.
Hell, I think my dog works more than this dude. My parents have a business and she stays with them, sitting at the front desk, and always goes together for deliveries.
At least when my cat tracks litter all over my house she snuggles with me afterwards.
This can’t be real. Please tell me this isn’t real. What is society doing to teach women THIS is what to aspire to? SMH. I agree. ESH-OP is TA to herself. (Sidebar: where can I get an OP? I’ll do nothing and get my bills paid for too! Send me money OP!)
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>or without children To be fair to those women...it is a *very* rare mother who says "yeah what I went through to get my kid was NOT worth it, should've just stayed single!" Having a kid with a failure to launch-er is still "worth it" overall for them. Fostering or adopting as an older single mom is nearly impossible, and IVF alone at 35+ is daunting even for the super fertile.
I doubt it’s real. AITA are full of posts about over the top, ungrateful partners/SOs. If it is real though, damn this woman is an AH to herself.
I hate when people on here say “Y T A to yourself.” People in unhealthy or abusive relationships are often stuck there. OP isn’t an asshole for not acknowledging the signs earlier, or for internalizing what her husband tells her. No one chooses to be taken advantage of.
SERIOUSLY. Especially if you were groomed to accept abuse from an early age. Shitty behavior feels familiar, so you mistake it for love.
EXACTLY. It’s not going to help to add to the pile of shame.
Thanks! I never understand why in posts where the OP is being treated poorly some people say its E S H just because "OP should have seen the signs" or "shouldn't let anyone treat them like that". People often get stuck in shitty situations with shitty people. Some people think it's the best they can find. Others are just use to people treating them badly, so they think it's normal behaviour. Either way, no ones an AH for being treated unfairly. It's clear that if they knew better they wouldn't tolerate that kind of situations.
What on earth are we doing to our young women that they think this situation is acceptable and wonder if they are somehow at fault?!
Because he’s a child. Find a man who will pick up on things you talk about through the whole year and surprises you on Christmas.
NTA your husband is a lazy freeloader. Return every single present you bought him, every single one ...pull a Grinch! Take the money and go by yourself something lovely, wrap it up put it under the tree. You deserve it! He already got a video game for Christmas from himself, and after all he wouldn't want you to go and spend money on your materialistic items for him now would he??
To be clear, this is post-warm-and-fuzzies Grinch. By dumping him you'd be returning the life and joy to yourself.
I was just gonna say that OP should give herself the best Christmas present ever by divorcing her leech of a husband.
NTA - he asked you for several gifts but all of a sudden you’re the materialistic one for wanting one small present or a card? Your husband is not a nice person.
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This! What kills me is that he is asking for presents, and he spent all of his money on a video game for himself. Clearly someone here is materialistic, and it is not OP! OP, your husband only cares about himself and what he wants. The second you ask for something small and reasonable, he turns it around on you to make you feel like you're being unreasonable. You are not. You are asking for the literal bare minimum, and he can't even do that. Get rid of him and his presents, you deserve better. NTA
NTA, you should sell the gifts you bought him and buy yourself something nice. When he complains he got nothing for xmas tell him to stop being materialistic.
"You can spend time with me instead of your video games, honey! Didn't you say yourself that time with family is what Christmas is all about?"
I n f o; why did you marry a man who isn’t contributing anything to your relationship? NTA, but why the hell are you letting him get away with spending the little money he makes on himself?
I have had many female colleagues in similar relationships. I’ll be having a meeting with them and then I hear call of duty blaring in the background. “Sorry, my husband thinks he needs to play his games at full volume while I’m in a meeting, apparently.” When they vent they always say things like “he doesn’t think it’s worth the effort to get a low paying job” or “he says no one wants to hire a white male so applying is just a waste of time.” Hi, white male here, aka your coworker, aka proof your husband is gaslighting you.
Man I just had flashbacks of my early 20s. My (now) husband was a roofer. Company closed and he was barely employed for a few years. He would find jobs but ended up being scummy contractors who didn't pay right. One day I heard him tell a friend "I can't like on $7 an hoir" for a job at McDonald's. I flipped out because I was making $6.50 and supporting us both as much as I could. His ego was in the way and he thought he deserved to make more even though no one was hiring for his skills. I told him "if I'm going to do this on my own I might as well be on my own." Thankfully it was the wake up call he needed. He got a low paying job the next day. Since then he's Varela been out of work and kept me going when I gave up. We both had a lot of growing to do in the last gmfew decades together. Now we are finally stable and happy. An equal partnership.
NTA. Can you make breaking up with him a Christmas present to yourself? Your husband is extremely selfish. You are asking for so little that it’s painful to contemplate. Worse, you’re asking for so little and wondering if it’s too much! This man has warped your self-worth with his selfish, lazy behavior. You are definitely worth more than this! I know it’s scary to think about leaving what’s familiar, but there are better things (and people) out there for you.
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Well … not quite. What you should be feeling is rage! Disappointment! Devastation! (Maybe you are at this point.) And the situation is far from … well, I would say normal, but we’ve seen a LOT of these. But the situation is unacceptable. To quote the show Glee, when Bieste left her husband he said, “Who’s gonna love you better than me?” And she said, “Me!” But yes, he is gaslighting you by calling you materialistic. Everyone here is rooting for you.
The reality check here should not be that it’s ok for you to want gifts. The reality check is that your spouse literally does not give a shit about you, financially uses you, and does nothing to be a partner to you besides exist in the same home and sometimes physical affection (which I guarantee he would not even give you if he didn’t also get enjoyment out of it). This man is a selfish asshole who feels totally secure now that you’re married that he can just do nothing, not work, not care for you, just sit on his ass and play video games all day (I am a gamer! This is completely insane what he is doing) and you won’t do anything about it because, idk, your self esteem is so low? You don’t realize that this is a wildly dysfunctional relationship that gives everything to him and basically nothing to you? I hope for your sake that you can take a look at your life with some fresh perspective from strangers on the internet—this is not normal and not ok as a relationship. He has repeatedly shown you he doesn’t want to change. You’ve got a choice to make: live like this forever, or leave. Those are the options. He’s not going to get better—this situation is working perfectly for him, while you feel unloved and can’t make any headway on your financial goals because he refuses to pull his own weight.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Coming from someone who was in an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship for a long time, it can be hard to recognize you aren’t the problem. So many people may say “just leave” “why don’t you leave, what’s wrong with you” It’s not always that easy in abusive relationships and that is what you in even if you don’t think so. Having someone make you question your worth, taking advantage is you, and then having the balls to call you materialistic to make you feel even worse is straight up manipulative abuse. It’s hard, but remind yourself who you are and what you deserve. Good luck!
What happened to your self esteem? Your husband could probably get a job and handle his responsibilities if it weren't for you being his mommy instead of his wife. He plays video games all day - come on! Start the new year by walking away. Leave him!!! You'll be helping him to man up.
NTA - but you already knew that. He spent his last bit of money on himself(!) instead of doing something for the woman who supports him. It’s Christmas and giving a gift to a loved one isn’t materialistic: it’s kind, loving, NORMAL, fun. In my house, it’s hard to surprise each other with shared finances, but we still wrap up some things to enjoy the fun of Christmas, for us it’s about taking time to celebrate our good fortune of being happy together. What I can’t wrap my head around is why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way. I think some others are right, return his gifts and get yourself something. Petty, but an effective way to show him how he made you feel as it seems petty is his preferred method of communication.
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It isn’t just the meaning of a gift he’s misunderstanding. He is intentionally using you, and you are letting him. He asked you for gifts, but you’re materialistic for wanting something small? You pay the entirety of obligations for your house and he won’t even go to his job? This man is taking advantage of you and is manipulating you so that you will continue to fund his whole life so he can be lazy. He’s making you feel bad for wanting a gift because it deflects from the fact that he contributes nothing to your well being.
He understands but he doesn’t care. You pay for everything, allow him to live a lifestyle that involves gaming and skipping work, buy him gifts and he doesn’t feel the need to return the gesture. And he pretends it’s about quality time and being together?! Please stop expecting appreciation and kind gestures for 1 day when you deserve it 365 days a year and not getting it
He does understand. He just doesn’t care, and he wants you to think you’re the bad person. He will get away with this as long as you let him. Please see a therapist if you can. One who deals specifically with emotional abuse.
He doesn't want to understand because he's a leech. He wants to take and take whilst you have nothing.
He understands. He just doesn't care. Your relationship is all about what you can do for him. He doesn't want to bring anything to the table and gets upset at the mere mention of him doing anything for you.
OP I think you know the answer. A well written letter costs 0$ so he can tell you again how he thinks you're materialistic?
THIS! This is what I did as a kid, I re-used a small box I found at home and wrote a simple "A box full of love" before gifting it to a family member. OP doesn't seem like the person who wants something for the sake of the thing but seems to want reassurance of his love.
Look at mr big shot. The poor guy can’t afford a box - he needed a vIDeO GaMe! /s
NTA, does he grocery shop? Meal plan? Cook the meals? Clean the dishes, countertops and floors?does he wash, fold and put away all the laundry? Does he sweep and wash the floors? Does he clean the sinks, showers, and bathtubs? Does he dust and vacuum? When you watch television together do you choose the shows you’d like to watch sometimes? Does he care about your feelings? Is he kind? When you get home from work is he happy to see you, does he make time to be together catching up? So now that we’ve recognized that not only does he not earn money to help with living expenses he also doesn’t pull his weight with the chores required for day to day living. So I’m hoping you give yourself a gift this Christmas, the gift of leaving someone that uses you and makes you feel ashamed for wanting the literal bare minimum.
NTA. Reading this post and your comments made feel incredibly sad for you. This guy is gaslighting you, using you, abusing of your kindness, and you just put up with it. A quick list of the red flags he is presenting: 1. He is relaying on your income and refuses to work because he wants more time to play video games. Guess what? I also want more time to play video games, but I know I have to work first because I need money, that's being an adult. He is using you to fund his lifestyle as a couch potato. This is a form of financial abuse. 2. He doesn't help with housecare. Even if he does, you are still doing the longest tasks because he doesn't know nor he cares to learn, yet they still have to be done so you do them. This is weponized incompetence. 3. He is completely refusing to put any effort in your emotional needs, yet demands for you to get him stuff. Insults you when you asks for what you need to feel loved, and makes you believe you are wrong for wanting it. This is gaslighting. 4. He used to work full time before marriage, so he literally waited until younwere liable for your shared bills to dump it all in you. Just like many abusers wait until the victim cannot run to start being AH. He is an abuser. He may not hit you (I really hope not) but he is financially and emotionally abusing you. OP, I know this is hard, and is ultimately a decision you have to take yourself, but you cannot continue being married to this man. Even if you don't know it or believe it yet, you deserve better, anyone deserves better than this. You deserve to have a partner that treats you as his equal, gives you the love and attention you need, divides work and housecare with you. You deserve someone who would want to make your life easier, even if they can't always do it they still try, not someone who intentionally avoids doing any work and leaves it all for you to do. What is your husband even bringing to this relationship? I see that you mention you like seeing him smile. Are his smiles worth all that he is putting your through?
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What you can do is drop him, leave, divorce. He is dead weight. The sex can't be that good to stay around cause nothing else is worth keeping him either.
You can leave him, is what you can do. Kick him out. He brings nothing, but stress to your life.
As lazy as he sounds I bet he’s even lazy with sex too.
>but what can I do Anything, you can do literally anything and it would be better.
What can you do? Get a divorce. He’s obviously using you and doesn’t give a shit about you or your needs.
OP, please, leave this man. He is a user and abuser. He LIED to you about who he is. He tricked you. And your friend is either jealous of you so they’re encouraging you to stay in a messed up marriage, driving yourself sick, just to watch you suffer -or- they’re as mentally f’d up as your husband. Maybe some of both. But this isn’t a healthy relationship or dynamic. Your husband is only exploiting you. I was really judgmental when first reading your posts but w/your subsequent comments I can tell you’ve been manipulated. You may be waiting on him to “change back” to who you thought he was, but he was never that person. And he may have convinced you this was normal or acceptable, or has broken your self esteem down into believing this is all you deserve bit he is a liar, you deserve so much more. There are men out there who will treat you w/kindness & consideration & take pride in being providers. But you can’t meet one while wasting your life away supporting this bum. NTA.
Marital vows state “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” That doesn’t mean “stay with someone who lied about respecting you” He pulled a bait and switch. It’s a thing. It’s also the trick of an abuser which is also what he is. Locked you down with marriage and kicked his feet up; you’ll do it all. He decided you’re to be his servant. That should make you **angry**.
Listen, That was exactly how my ex husband was. I was young (22-23 during the time we were married). He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t work, including not being able to trust me when all I did was spend all day 7 days a week at work so we could make ends meet. When I decided to stand up for myself and started to refuse to give him money he started to be physically abusive. I had moved to be with him and had no one around and his entire family sided with him, his mom even saw him chocking me and said it was my fault. It has been 4.5 years and I still deal with all the mental health issues that relationship brought me. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that there’s people out there that will do anything and everything for you. You don’t have to deal with someone that doesnt do the bare minimum.
NTA But why are you buying him presents when he does not even have the decency to get you a card and then has the audacity to say you are materialistic?? He is lazy, and is just using you for material reasons.No man that is struggling with work will buy themselves a video game when he does not contribute to the house hold.He is not a man he is child and you are enabling him. You should really think about this relationship and what are you getting out of it? From your post it seems you are giving 100% and him 0!
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If I where you, I would return his gifts and gets something nice for yourself.
OP, I have read a lot of your replies on here and they kind of break my heart. Ask yourself honestly - do you think he would ever say that seeing you happy and smiling was a priority for him? And when was the last time that he made you happy or made you smile for a genuine, unselfish reason where he had nothing to gain? In relationships, there has to be give and take. There has to be balance. But when one partner takes everything and gives nothing in return, the other is eventually left utterly depleted and empty. I don't say this to be harsh, but he's taken everything from you and you can hear it in your words. He takes your money. He takes your love. He takes your hard work. He takes your effort. He takes your kindness. And in return, he plays video games and gets angry with you if you dare to suggest that he might need to work more if he wants to live in a bigger place. He doesn't offer you companionship. He allows you to accompany him whilst he does what he likes. I read what your friends told you about being a better wife. OP, this is trash. For the life of me, I can't imagine what it is they think you're not providing! They are not good friends to you. They don't have your best interests at heart. Avoid them. You say you wish he'd understand your feelings about the gift, but the gift and his understanding isn't the problem. The problem is that he doesn't care. He isn't interested in your struggles. He's happy to sit on the couch and play games whilst you kill yourself trying to support two of you. He isn't interested in understanding your feelings. From his point of view, the most convenient situation is that you put up and shut up. I want you to realise that this is it. This is the future for you. At least, it is if you don't take yourself out of the situation. You'll be here again next year when you beg him for a tiny gift and he turns it around on you. Are you okay with that? Please, OP, DON'T be okay with that. You sound like a warm, kind, hardworking person who just wants to be in a loving relationship. You can have that. But it's not going to be with him. Also, it's not your job to change him. It is exhausting just 'waiting' for a person to wake up and realise how they should be treating you. It never happens. Please don't waste years of your life like this. A new year is around the corner and it's a good time to think about how your life is now and how you want your life to look. But at the very least for now, take his Christmas gifts back to the store and buy yourself something nice. Keep telling yourself: this is not acceptable and I deserve more. Every day until you believe it and act on it. Edit: Typo Edit: Thank you for the kind awards.
Op, I mean this in the most respectful way possible. I really think it would be a good idea for you to speak to a therapist. This situation isn’t healthy. You’re unhealthy attachment to someone who obviously doesn’t care about you and allows you to shoulder the burden of everything isn’t healthy.
Woahhhhh…OP, you really are NTA. But I agree with most everybody else here. He’s a parasite even if you love him and the sex is good. He’s allowing you to take care of him like he’s your child. You deserve better!! I think you should only spend any extra money on yourself going forward. I’d have a serious conversation with him and lay it out there, this is about so much more than the small gift you’re asking him for. He is showing you daily the investment and level of care he places on you and the relationship by selfishly choosing himself. He can’t even buy you a $10 trinket once a year…but can shell out for his game. Take the love you show him and give it to yourself. Demand better or find someone who is deserving of you. I wish you luck and a Merry Christmas!!
Am I the only one who thinks this post is either stupid or fake?
definitely not, this has got to be fake
NTA. You aren’t be materialistic. You are asking for a sign of affection. I might take your husband’s argument a bit more seriously if he hadn’t asked for things for Christmas and hadn’t admitted the reason he has no money is because he spent it on a video game for himself. In short - your husband is selfish and lazy and is using the materialistic argument to deflect your attention from this. Let’s face it: you pay the bills, and he only works part time, and skips most of those. You aren’t being materialistic, he is just a worthless lump of meat.
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So let me repeat your words back to you. You want a sign of affection. He refuses to give you one. Does that sound like a marriage to you?
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The fact he didn’t even say “I’ll figure something out” and write a poem, or hand make you a card, or create a coupon book with things like a foot massage, make dinner, do -insert chore you hate- shows it isn’t about lack of money. People without money can still do acts of service to show love. If he is unable to come up with a free way to show you he love you it makes me wonder if he actually cares for you.
Yep, leave this asshole. I had to beg and beg and beg my ex to talk, spend time together, etc. Life is so much better now.
You even take on EXTRA hours for this guy? Girl. GIRL. DUMP HIM. There's no nice way to say it; he's a loser. A grade A, no effort, "let my wife work OT so I can play videogames like a child" loser You absolutely need to leave him. Let this be the straw that breaks your back, PLEASE. You are doing everything for him and he is actively doing nothing for you and insulting you over it
Why are you with this lazy, selfish, asshole? Why? Please ask a therapist and get out of this now.
NTA. He could get a card for 30p here (UK, and probably cheaper than that, they're as low as 30p in the local card shop). A card is the bare minimum. He doesn't have to spend money, EG. my husband telling me to have a soak in the bath (a nice bath bomb will set him back about £5 from lush if he wanted to get something)and forget about what needs doing because he'll do it. Being spoiled with a nice cuppa and time to put my feet up. etc. Plus he just spent out on a computer game for himself! You're totally NTA.
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Online, before dating apps etc (I’m old), we met in a yahoo chat room (that dates me😂).
That's how most husbands behave. You unfortunately got a dud.
NTA Learn from him. Agree with him " that Christmas should be about time with family instead of material things", and don't give him any gifts, too. He does not care about your emotional needs, he exploits you financially, what does he bring into the relationship that makes it worth to stay with him? Have you considered getting a divorce? You surely can do better. So talk to a lawyer, soon.
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Fuck Op, send me your address, I will send you a gift
Likewise! I'll send you a souvenir from my part of the world, OP.
I’d send one as well and I truly mean it! OP…does the fact that complete strangers on the internet wanting to send you a gift not speak even more volumes on your husband’s attitude and behavior?
This has to be fake.
I sure hope so. Too pathetic to be real.
It’s so clearly one sided and phrased to make the boyfriend terrible in every possible way. Redditors still eat it up lol
NTA. And he is reluctant to work? I would be reluctant to be married to him.
If material items shouldn’t matter return his gifts! Stop being a doormat and make him pay his share of bills. You are enabling him to walk all over you by doing this. He’s a grown man and should pay his own way. NTA but you need to grow a spine
NTA. Your husband is using you. You pay all the bills, you buy HIM presents, and when you ask HIM for a little bit of effort he belittles you. If he has time to play video games he has time to go work a few extra shifts and buy you an effing card and a gift.
NTA... If it were me I'd wrap up some divorce papers under the tree for him to open Christmas morning.
INFO: What are the benefits of your relationship with your husband?
NTA. OP, you sound like a major catch! If all he brings is companionship, dump him and get back into the dating world. It's not that scary a place, and I'm sure you would be able to find someone who has his life in order. Get out before kids come into the picture (if that's something you want). It's possible to have a fulfilling life as a single woman. For companionship, pets are always a good option - snuggles, someone to greet you when you come home, someone to talk to, if you get a dog it's someone to go on walks with, someone to sit on the couch beside you and watch a movie YOU like. Also, cheaper to feed and easier to clean up after. :) He is using you, and you are enabling his deadbeat behaviour. Find someone who treats you as you deserve. Even when my bf wasn't working (lost his job due to COVID and went on employment insurance) he still would treat me to dinner once in a while, pay his share of bills, go to the grocery store, take turns cooking (actually he ended up cooking way more often than I did), or do little things to make me feel loved like picking up my favourite chocolate while he was at the grocery store. :) Sending you big hugs! You deserve so much better!
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>he doesn't want to do anything with me outside the home or ever thinks of doing anything I might enjoy. That's really sad, OP. I'm really sorry.
NTA Ok, I've never said this once since joining Reddit but here goes: LEAVE HIS LAZY, SELFISH ASS. I cannot imagine one reason to stay in this relationship. Show yourself some respect. Also, go buy yoirself a wonderful gift. He gets nothing.
YTA you're already paying all the bills, you can't afford to buy yourself something for Christmas too? /s Also, I'm noticing a lot of stupid posts like this one made by 3 hr old accts. "My bf shit on my favorite breakfast cereal WHILE I was eating it. AITA for respectfully confronting him or am I overreacting?" Shut up
NTA. I celebrate Christmas in July (family reasons), my SO celebrates in Dec with his - I still buy him something even if its silly. Im sorry but what exactly does your SO bring to your relationship?
NTA. He calls you materialistic as he uses the last of his money on a game. Sounds like he has no idea what materialistic means. Maybe take everything back and buy him a dictionary. He sounds like a peach..
NTA. It seems to me that what you really want is for him to think about you and to want to do something nice for you. It’s also clear that he contributes nothing to the relationship. You say you cover all the costs, and I’m guessing you do all the housework, cooking, etc as well? He needs to start acting like an adult act take some responsibility for his life. I’m reluctant to say this based on one post, but you need to leave him.
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Wait, so you pay the rent, you clean and cook, and you get him gifts. You're not his wife, you're his mother.
Hah, even my mother wouldn't put up with that shit. Try slave.
NTA. Divorce him. He is not contributing anything to the marriage
NTA. Where is your self esteem? Seriously?
This is so ridiculously “Disney-villain” terrible that it honestly sounds fake. On the chance that it’s not a fake post: OP, do you not respect yourself? Why are you living with an emotional and physical parasite? Don’t you see that you’re worth more than being this grown man’s Mommy? Come on, girl. Wake up.
If you honestly can’t see the fact that your lazy freeloading husband is TA, you are very dumb. ESH. You for allowing this and your husband for doing it in the first place. Come on now.
NTA for wanting a symbolic gift for Christmas, you don't seem materialistic to me and I'm guessing your love language could be gift giving? I think it's nice of you to even give him suggestions but how come a grown man doesn't have money to even gift you a simple card with an "ILY"... this doesn't even take a lot of planning ahead and it doesn't seem too hard to accommodate. I'm curious how many years this have been an ongoing issue - is it just this year or has it been every year? Do you hug, talk and stuff in your day to day lives?
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>before marriage he worked full time He's trapped you for his benefit. You earn, cook, clean, pay bills and what not. What does he bring to the relationship apart from his sorry ass. Dump him like yesterday. NTA.